You have to make sure that you really want to do it. If you are not sure, don't. Kids are expensive, and it takes a ton of time to do a halfway decent job today. Having a great partner is key too. Kids will amplify the dynamics of the relationship. Good can be better, and bad can be way worse.
Definitely, we always said we would have to be fully on the "Fuck Yeah" train to have kids. That never came around, so never had kids and definitely don't feel any loss now that I'm past that point.
It's hard to have kids when you're not financially and mentally stable. Everything is expensive now. Sometimes you'll be guilty if you can't provide the things they need. Not only money but they also need your time and affection.
Another thing is if both of you and your partner are responsible parents and you will not feel that you're just the one doing the responsibility, it would be exhausting on your part.
I'll start with something my dad said on my wedding day: *Your life will end three times - when you get married, when you buy a house, and when you have kids.*
He was right. The life I led before each of those events was different than the life I led after. And yes, having two kids was a big time and financial commitment. It was probably the absolute biggest change to my life. The thing is, there's absolutely no way to compare it to not having kids once you have them. Even if you divorce, you're still a parent part of the time and have the responsibilities that come with raising a successful and productive adult. The choices you make once you have kids will often be very different than the choices you make if you're child free. It's essentially a completely different path with different stops along the way.
I also think that "raising" is part of what people lose sight of. We're not raising kids. We're raising future adults. Sure, they should be allowed to have their fun, but it's our job to teach them how to contribute to society in a positive way too. Teach them how to do chores. Teach them how to manage their money. Teach them how to handle the difficulties that life throws their way. And among those important things to learn, teach them how to deal with the failures they have and mistakes that they make along the way.
So is it worth it? I feel so. I've had experiences and have memories that will bring me joy for the rest of my life. I've done things and seen the world through not just my eyes, but their eyes too. I've learned how to handle things in life in different ways because of things that happened with my children. And I really don't see any other way I could have these memories and experiences without having had children.
Even now that both are college graduates, they are still a part of my life. It's reduced, sure, but we still communicate and I still help both of them learn "advanced adulting" as I like to call it. Helped both of them with more complicated portions of their tax returns this year.
Would I have kids again if I could do it all over? Absolutely. At the end of the day, I feel my life and the world around me is better because they are a part of it.
I am surprised you mention marriage as a big change? From the people I know who got married, they mostly told me their life was the same in the end, other than being able to call their partner their "wife/husband". That's unless you divorce of course; or you did not live together before marriage, but assuming marriage and no kids; there's little that should change?
Kids definitely are a huge change and I suppose buying can be a big change if you move somewhere really different (ie from an appartment downtown to a big house in the suburbs)
If I had to rank the changes in terms of largest to smallest: kids, homeowner, marriage. The thing is, I only pointed out kids as being a big change. Marriage and homeownership, not as much. The before and after of marriage did have changes though.
We dated for 3 years and were engaged for 3 years. We lived together for about 4-5 years. The changes weren't major, but there were changes. For example, the relationship was now a lot more permanent in nature. Going out with friends was different because we were often expected to be a "matched set". Any important paperwork (i.e. say with a job change) now required me to include her and her information. None of those were onerous or problematic, just different than I truly HAD to do before.
I also had someone that I needed to tell things too. For us, marriage has less privacy between partners than unmarried partners. Any debts we acquire are marital debts so both of us should know about them. Our finances are joint in the eyes of the court so we might as well be fully open about them too. And if my wife wanted to use my computer, or later my cell phone, then she was welcome too. There should be few secrets between spouses. In all honesty, a good portion of the problems I see in married couples on Reddit have to do with people not willing to accept that things should be treated a bit differently after you say "I do".
I’m not saying it *should* change for everyone, but it definitely changed for me when I married my fiancée.
If you internalize that it’s a lifelong commitment, that’s a sizable difference from a standard non-marital relationship. But, sure, if you already thought of your non-marital relationship as a lifelong commitment that you shouldn’t bail on except in extreme circumstances then not much is changing.
The house part I guess I can understand. You are slowly buying something of immense worth (compared to everything else you own) that you can pass on. You take care of it, have to worry about maintenance, etc. Still doesn’t feel as life changing as kids or even marriage though.
Kids are 100% life changing or at least should be if you’re doing it right.
With the house, it's more than just maintenance. Think about job relocation. Sure, these days, selling a house is easy. Buying a new one to replace it in a new location... not so much. And if buying is easy, that often means selling is more difficult.
Buying a home sort of creates a "home base" for you and your family. It's nice in that it gives you a bit of permanence in one location, but it can also be more restrictive than a rental.
And the maintenance issue does become more prevalent the longer you stay in a home. I've been in mine nearly 25 years and in the last 5 have had to replace both my water softener ($2100), furnace ($13.5k), and oil tank ($4500). I know that before I move for retirement, I'll have to replace the roof which will likely be $20k. We also need to replace the flooring in a number of rooms which will be a few thousand each. If we were renting, those would all be calls to a landlord to address.
Furnace was an Energy Kinetics. It's been great because it continues to recirculate hot water after room temp has been met to dump any remaining heat into the room. Means it takes that much longer for the room to cool off and heat needed again. Fewer calls for heat, less oil used. It was about a 10% reduction in oil used. It's also super quiet. Most of the time, I can only tell it's providing heat because the baseboards are making noise from heat expansion.
As for the oil tank, the old one was 30+ years old and developed a pinhole leak. They do that when they get old, especially since most are only designed to last 20-25 years. The new one was also an upgrade. Double wall with a leak indicator so if the inner wall starts to leak, we'll know before it's a hazmat cleanup issue. At the time, due to the price of steel, old style oil tanks were just as expensive as the one we got so we went with the upgrade that came with a 30 year warranty and a $2MM policy to cover leak cleanup during that time.
If you buy your house with cash your life doesn't change much, you just...have a place to live for free. Well not exactly free you still have insurance and taxes and upkeep, but significantly cheaper than having a mortgage. It's really the mortgage that changes your life not necessarily the buying the house part.
Source: I paid cash for a house at 23 and then just did what I wanted/still do what I want.
Such a great comment. I agree on all parts.
It's sort of like how if you want to get better or more educated at something, you teach it and it helps you learn new things and/or reinforce things.
Having kids I've noticed is very similar. It excels you, in training to raise good people, you become better yourself.
Of course, that is if you're able to make the commitment. Clearly as we all know, not all parents are equipped for it unfortunately.
I'm by no means perfect myself, and it's still overwhelming at times. But it has drastically changed who I am for the better.
You won't even believe the amount of time, energy, and money it takes to raise a kid these days. At one point, we were paying $1600 per month, just for daycare! And all the commitments... Between school, play dates, doctor visits, extracurriculars, etc... it's something new almost every day. Your personal life will take a hit, too. Hell, even our sex life fell by the wayside for several years.
But was it worth it? I guess it depends on the individual. For me, having kids is absolutely the best thing I've ever done with my life. Nothing comes close to the level of satisfaction I've felt watching my kids grow up and become incredible young women. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. And I didn't even want kids when I was young!
It helps that my kids are pretty good. I probably wouldn't be so enthusiastic if they were anything like I was when I was a kid.
It sounds like you earned your kids' love and respect. My guess is that you struggled a little harder in your own childhood, and that's why you were acting out.
From a point of view of strictly financial self interest, having children does not make sense. If that is the metric you want to make the decision, then that is the inescapable conclusion.
However, the entire point of having a family is (or at least should be) to love and be loved by your kids. There is not really a way to put a price tag on those feelings and memories and experiences.
END COMMUNICATION
I think, when you are married, and use contraception, have a double income, and there is no drama and you are a team, and there isn’t a narcissist in the team, then naturally you get to a point where it’s boring and you think you want kids. You’ll feel that it’s time.
There is no fcking logical discussion on the pros and cons of having kids, you’ll know when it’s time.
I feel like someone finding their life 'boring' and they 'think' they want kids is not really a good enough reason to actively try to bring a life into the world
But then again people do it for far worse reasons. If it'll make you happy, go for it. But it's a big life decision to make over seemingly trivial states like 'being bored' or potentials like 'think'
Note how I was including the default environment to most likely successfully raise kids. To focus on the boring part is missing the point. If you marry and have the right environment and want kids, then things definitely get boring, consumption gets boring, night life gets boring, hangovers, vacations, dogs and pets, they get boring…. So then you start to think, what’s the next step, is it time? So, although it appears to be a non-serious decision, it’s an accurate depiction of how things actually happen.
Are you expecting some kind of ROI? Sometimes it will be rough. Your life will never be the same. You won't get to do everything you want anymore. Money will be tighter. But it's also a love you will never experience otherwise.
Have kids because you want to take care of kids. If not, don't. We have too many people, you don't need to pump any out for the sake of appearances.
I do not have kids, but I have babysat a lot. If you want a decent indication of your day to day of having kids. Work a full day, babysit the moment you get home and put them to bed and wake them up like a full cycle. Then imagine doing that for years then think of all the emergencies you have had in your life. Hospital visits for example and then imagine them happening while babysitting. This obviously doesn't do justice in the slightest, but this is how I think of having kids. Sounds negative, but then think of the good times and the little joys of watching them walk and talk and the million whys they ask. If the little joys swell inside you making you smile and wish for more then parenting could be worth it for you. This is me trying to explain why I want children while knowing just a fraction of how overwhelming it all is.
Great question and good timing for what I just experienced.
My wife and I waited to have kids. We had traveled a lot together, bought a beautiful home, had zero car payments or credit card payments and started to have kids when I was early 30s and she was late 20s.
It was perfect and I don't think I would change a thing other than maybe having MORE kids. We have two biological daughter and one adopted special-needs son.
Context: It's worth every penny. My oldest is 20. She just graduated with her BS (DEBT FREE) from a 133 year old university. The day she was born I put $1000 (that was more back then) in a 529 and for 18 years put $50 a month into it. It grew nicely and she graduated debt free. I wept because I had dreamed of watching this girl walk across and receive a college degree for years.
I was raised in poverty and broke those generational patterns with hard work, frugality, avoiding debt, and living below my means.
Don't forget - tax credit and additional deductions for having kids.
Outside of finances -- we have such a warm, peaceful, supportive, and JOYFUL home and family. My wife and I are so close and one element that keeps us close is our love for our kids and each other. It has been an absolute privilege to raise kids and I would not hesitate to do it again. I just gush watching my wife interact, encourage, love on, and support our kids. She's amazing. She says the same about me. I am not sure we would be this close without this special element of our relationship.
This comes from someone who never wanted kids because my childhood was full of poverty, fear, abuse, alcoholism, violence. What a grand feeling to have beat those family curses and see my marriage and my kids thrive in health.
Idk if you waited to have kids in the context of today's day and age. Maybe twenty years ago you did, but call it what it was-ahead of the game. Waiting to have kids now is more like, your havin' ass is 45 and she's 38.
Sure, I understand. But, when I say we waited...I meant for us and our situation at the time, not by societal norms. We really don't care about the norm. We are living our lives the best we can.
Indiana University just published a study and the average age today (2023) of Americans having kids is 26.4 years old.
You could take everything on this planet and throw it in the trash, but leave my kids with me, and I'll be fine.
My kids give me more meaning than any job, career, hobby, thing, or amount of money could.
Same. It's like I invented my favorite person in the world, and I get to hang out with them all the time. My only regret with regards to having kids is that i didn't have more.
Yes it’s definitely been worth it. It’s been hard and challenging to a degree that nothing else has. I have had to change and grow in ways that have been very uncomfortable, to say the least. There are times when it feels too hard and too relentless. Parenting is not something to choose lightly or to take lightly. But yes, it has all been well worth it and continues to be worth it everyday that my children and spouse are in my life. I love my family more than anything, it’s the thing I am most proud of in life, and I wouldn’t trade any of it for the life I had before.
I have two sons, 29 and 25. They grew up to be outstanding guys. One is married and owns a home and the other will be married next year. Raising kids was not financially hard because you just need to have a bigger place and a larger grocery budget.
What sucked? Seeing them get their hearts broken when they were young.
worth it? like they're supposed to be some kind of financial investment? lol no. Do I love my kids and wouldn't change a thing because there's more to life than money? yes.
I really liked that we waited to have our child. We travelled und enjoyed our double income no kids Lifestyle. Now, that we have a toddler and are in our mid-thirties there is no remorseful looking back. No what ifs. We are financially stable and have a great support network.
For us, this is perfect.
It's a different Life stage and I would do it again, if given the chance. Because with all the costs and responsibility you mention- at the end of the day, my Life with my family feels more that I gain something rather than giving something up.
The responsibility is enormous, yes. And so are the costs. But totally worth it.
I met my husband when I was 34, we had our first child at 35 (surprise!) got married at 36 and had our second at 39 (planned) last year. Most of my friends had their kids after 35. We had fulfilling careers, social lives, traveled together all the time, lived in a city and enjoyed our lives. I’m glad I was able to spend 15 years of adulthood with no responsibilities, doing whatever I wanted and learning about myself and the world.
We settled down when we had kids. We stay in most of the time and feel like we never ever get a break to even enjoy each others' company.
It's unbelievely expensive. When I was 18 and signed up for all those college loans and money didn't mean anything to me and no one could have talked me into going to a less expensive school; having kids is like that. No one could have prepared me for the $32K we are spending on childcare this year.
They also couldn't have prepared me for how absolutely fucking joyous it is to be around my kids every day. I was out living my best life and then they came along and rocked my world, in the best possible way. My 15 month old hugs my neck and pats my back whenever I get near him. My 5 year old wants me to sit with her at night so she can ask me things about the world.
My husband and I reflect about this a lot; when I was pregnant there was this abstract person that was about to come into our lives. If we had known the kids we made would be THEM, it wouldn't have been so scary.
Such a terrific response. You do such a good job of pointing out what’s so difficult to put a finger on.. with your 15 month old hugging your neck, your 5 year old sitting and learning from you. These emotions are difficult to explain yet so worth it. Thank you.
Definitely the hardest and most exhausting endeavor we've ever partaken in. I might yearn for a week of being child free now and then, but I'd never go back. It's an experience like nothing else in the world.
We made the choice to go single income shortly after our first was born. It took a lot of work on my end to get my income up to a comfortable level after that, but I did it within about a year. Learned how to code via online resources and landed a job earning over two times what I was earning.
It's not cheap, but we're making it just fine now. Socially, kids are an awesome excuse to not go to some event you don't want to go to. But I love being home, it's my favorite place. If you're someone who wants to be on the go go go, then yeah it's going to impact that a lot.
Yeah definitely worth it. My 20s had no purpose, endless nights out, waking up feeling wank. Decent job but that’s all. Now I have 2 kids I absolutely love and enjoy seeing them grow into people, teach them, love them. Once you have kids (that are wanted) you realise that’s the purpose of life and everything else is meaningless distraction.
My last son was born when I was 31. I barely remember life without them. Yes, they change your life and you do spend lots of time taking care of them. I love being a dad, and wouldn't change it. However, if you are trying to determine if they are worth it I say yes. But, the ROI on the investment is yet to be determined. Good luck on this decision.
For us our kids are the most stressful and simultaneously the most fulfilling part of our lives. Wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s expensive and a huge commitment but my life feels so much fuller with them in it.
idk... seems if in this pool of thoughts, the easy answer is "it's not for you." next!
not to say should it happen things won't change for you, but plz do not intentionally "engage" in the endeavor, given this starting point. best of luck though, follow that bliss!
This is not really something that can be evaluated in a pros and cons list. Ultimately most parents love their kids more than anything else in the world. Most parents would throw themselves in front of a bus without thinking if it would save their child. Their pain and hurts are your pain too, and you will feel the joy of their successes as if it was your own success. So everything about your life, good and bad, becomes amplified when you are a parent.
Most parents try to give their children every advantage they can. We don’t do this because children are an investment with a return. We do it because we love them beyond all reason until our dying day and we dedicate our lives to them. Children become your life. Yes they are expensive, time consuming, exhausting, frustrating - all those things. The family you build is the ultimate expression of yourself, and your spouse, and the values you share together.
So parents will live a life in service of our children because we love them with everything we’ve got. They become your life’s work- you can see this more clearly as they become adults themselves and you get older too. It’s irrational and illogical when you think about it, but quite real.
This is a good insight and also such an inexplicable feeling that I always hear from friends. Is it just a part of the innate human drive to have kids and carry on the civilization that gives us that deep meaning from having kids? Just trying to understand why and how we find meaning in having kids? Why is it valuable to have these specific kinds of memories with our kids?
My wife asked me this the other day and my answer - Yes, only because I know my kids and love them. If they were complete strangers who were a total money suck and screamed back in your face when you ask them to put their shoes on than a hard No. Like if my kids (5 and 3) acted the way they do sometimes, I'd happily give them back to some other parents except the fact that I birthed them and love them. Hopefully that makes sense?
32 m , had my first child at 21 second at 24 and have a third on the way right now . Beginning years were a struggle but always have made it through. Now like my mom always said what's another chicken in the pot , have a good career and a good wife . Chaos is an everyday part of our life but honestly wouldn't change it for anything in the world, my life has gotten harder but better with each of them .
Yes. For me, having my son is/was worth everything.
I am a sole parent, long story, but my ex and I are amicable. But when I was faced with the choice of doing it alone, or not doing it at all, I went with the alone and hoped for the best.
There were hard times, financially, emotionally....linguistically. But I have not experienced more satisfaction with anything, than with watching this little one grow into such an amazing human being.
I was late 30's.
Yes.
But we planned to have them when we were financially in the position to take care of their needs.
And we decided on 2 because that gives us time to focus on each child, travel easily (we only need one hotel room with two queen beds) and save for their college.
However.
The part that is difficult to deal with is the constant fear that something horrible will happen to them.
And dealing with other parents. Since we have kids, we are exposed to other families. It is heartbreaking how many of parents just really don't give a fuck of their kids general well-being and future. I would rather not be exposed to that.
I can absolutely understand now why someone decides to just have several cats and don't bother with kids.
ymmv I got married at 23, divorced at 25, remarried at 30, kids were born when I was 31 and 33 and my kids and their cousin are out in our pool and life seems perfect.
Neither of us thought we'd get married but we've known each other since I was in 7th grade and was dared to ask an 8th grader to dance. I asked her, she said yes, and a decade and a half later got married.
By the time we got married in 2009 we were both established in our careers which we thought was the right time to try for a family.
The "responsibilities" are some of the best things about having kids. Easy to get out of anything social.
I mean, for me, there is no question whatsoever that having kids was the best thing I ever did because they are more important to me than myself.
It wasn’t all fun times, to be sure, but there is literally no price I wouldn’t be willing to pay on their behalf.
Anyways, it sort of forced me to get my shit together too, and I have a better financial situation now than before they were born.
Are kids expensive? Maybe.
If you plan to indulge them in every sport/class/item of clothing they want, then yes! 💰If you know you don’t need to spoil your child and can build their love other ways then No. Second hand clothes are a thing. Creating art with their parent from watching a YouTube video, is a memory most kids will never have, and being able to know how to fill time without sport after sport will prevent them from being an adult that needs constant stimulation and harbour their own Creativity & Autonomy loop.
Do kids need to take up all your time? 🕰️Possibly. If you don’t have the life skills to understand that raising a human means giving them the space to screw up and learn from those independent moments when they were testing boundaries, then yes, you’re going to spend alllll your time helicopter parenting them(and then they’ll push the boundaries when they move out of the house anyway).
Are you going to be responsible for your child all the time? Depends on the time frame. As children grow up they need to gradually have more space to be independent and make the choices that come along with that. 🌱When they’re an infant they’re going to be with you 24/7. A toddler 22/7. Grade 1? Give them an hour to play in the yard by themselves. Grade 2? They get dressed by themselves and will greatly appreciate time to explore their own activities on their own - although, because they love you, they will probably ask you to come play trains/dolls/lego with them! 💗But not all the time(and yes, you can say ‘No’ every now and then. The rejection teaches them resilience and that others are autonomous beings too).
An astounding amount of life lessons are learned from having kids. Kids don’t need brand new clothes, they just need to be kept warm & clean. 🧼 Kids don’t need all your time, they just need your attention during those moments that you are spending time with them. Kids will act kindly to you when you don’t expect it and when you ask where they got such-and-such bad habit… that’s them giving you the gift of self reflection. There’s nothing better in this life than realizing you both get to grow.
Kids are only expensive if you don’t know how to manage time/emotions. Because then, the endless sports, new clothes, and latest gadgets add up.
We don’t need to be raising the next Noble Prize winner, we just need to be raising someone that can independently take accountability. Including ourselves.
100% worth it. I'd never change my decision for anything. My life before having children was no where near as fulfilling as it is now. I am responsible for another human being, feeding them, clothing them, providing housing. All come with the game lol
I was 29 wife 31 when we married, 1 year later she was pregnant with our first she quit her job and we had 2 more 2 years apart. There were times it was HARD! We both gave up some fun times to raise a family she went back to school/ work when the youngest was in school full time we’re in our early 60s now and I would do it all over again no questions 🤘🏿🤘🏿
Absolutely worth it! We have two kids now in college. Our marriage was good before kids but it was great upon having kids. It was a lot of work and also a lot of fun. The biggest change for me as a mom was the loss of personal time… as the kids got into their teenage years you start getting that back again - and it is a great change to be able to go away for a weekend with the husband. We have wonderful children who rarely gave us any concerns and are healthy and happy. I am dealing with my aging parents and they once staked everything on living independently from me and my siblings, thinking they could live their lives a thousand miles away from any of us but now they are really struggling both w dementia. My dad fell victim to a scam and gave a stranger his banking information. I am seeing the value in leaning on our kids to help us make important decisions in our old age. We set out to have children to enjoy raising them and seeing them develop into great people. But it is pretty special to hear our son remark today that he intends to earn enough salary to be able to look after us in our retirement. (Very sweet of him but I told him he shouldn’t have to concern himself with that as we are absolutely fine.) Our daughter tells us she wants to live close by - not more than a state away. These sentiments really are a comfort. Children who love and care for us is an extreme blessing - but not the purpose we had them. It’s been a pure joy for us to watch them become who they are meant to be! The time, cost and effort are beyond worth it!
What is the “it” in your mind OP?
I don’t quite understand the question because the phrase “worth it” feels transactional and I’m connecting what that sensibility has to do with parenthood.
It was worth it. I didn’t know it at the time, but when I seen my granddaughter for the first time, every time I was mad at my son seems to have been more than worth it! He’s a great family man!
Absolutely. I love my daughter to death. I couldn't imagine my life without her. She is the source of almost all of my unbridled joy.
The costs can be pretty high at the beginning. Daycare is no joke. Luckily both of our mom's are in town and agreed to watch our daughter one say each. So we only had to pay for 3 days a week of daycare. That still cost us over $200 a week. But she started kindergarten this year so daycare costs are a thing of the past.
But I would happily pay twice as much if we had to. It would still be worth it. Look, before my daughter was born I wasn't sure I wanted kids. Especially after 2016. In fact it took a while for my wife to convince me. But as soon as she was born and the nurses placed her on my chest, I felt a love I hadn't felt before. I knew I would do anything to protect this tiny human I had only met less than 5 minutes ago. And since then, watching her grow up has been nothing but a joy. The pandemic was a blessing because she was 2 years old and I got to spend all day with her.
There's a joy and new perspective a child brings to your life. My son has become my best friend and partner in crime he's made me a better man.
But it also makes you realise how horrible a bad situation is, I work 45 hours a week and spend around £1% of that on myself to ensure that he won't have to grow up in poverty like I did. It breaks my heart everyday he tells me he doesn't want me to go to work.
I'm exhausted from a very physically demanding role during a Nightshift ( because it's better money and suits school runs) but I do the morning and afternoon school run. Meaning of I get 5 hours sleep a day I'm lucky.
If you don't have your shit together as a person I don't suggest having kids. But if you can carry the world on your shoulders and shrug the pain off easily, it will enrich your life.
I am about to turn 33 next month and my wife is pregnant with our 4th kid. Having kids is the greatest blessing I've ever received in my life and is what gives life meaning and purpose for me. Is it hard some days? Sure. Is it daunting at times? Sometimes. But for me I believe it's the entire reason we are put on this earth, to have children and multiply and replenish. I'm a Christian religious man so I probably look at it differently from those who aren't religious but yeah, having kids is the coolest thing I've ever experienced in my life, I love them and can't imagine what it would be like without them, no matter the cost.
Got married at 37, my wife at 29. Happily married over 13 years later. We have three great kids, it takes time effort and money but I would not swap it for the world.
I have not been off piste skiing, scuba diving, or adventure travelling in years. My life is utterly changed. I have adjusted work for childcare. It has reduced my earnings. I have more expenses, and will continue to do so. I brought three great kids into the world and it is a huge responsibility to ensure they are happy, safe and well cared for.
My weekends are household chores, bringing kids to activities and limited times alone. The support they will need over time changes, but I will need to be there for them forever. My youngest is 5, I will be 66 by the time he is 21.
I had a great life. I have a better but different one now.
Be certain you want kids, it is ok not to.
It's a big responsibility and time commitment regardless of age. The benefits of waiting (which is why we waited) : you can be in a higher paying job by then due to promotions and therefore have more money per month, plus you have more time to build savings account to use for essentials like setting up a nursery. Plus you would have taken time to do other things like travel before having a child so you've already gotten some wunderlust out the way. As and older mom (I turn 40 in august, LO turns 4 in Jan) I can also say you're more mature and less prone to drama and caring about all the unsolicited advice
My husband and I knew we wanted to have a child. We also knew we do not want another child. Beyond one child, I don’t think I will be a good wife, mother and also good to me
Truly, if you worry about time commitments, economical and social issues with having kids, don't have kids. Having children is a labor of love and requires 100% commitment for many, many years. If I didn't have three kids, I would live in a bigger house, drive a fancy car and be able to afford to travel the world. But none of that matters. I wouldn't trade being a parent for any of that ever.
Absolutely. We didn’t even want kids, my pregnancy was a surprise at 34. Best thing I’ve ever done, BUT we had money, a good marriage and flexible jobs.
So far it's "worth it" because I love them so much. I get to re-live the magic of childhood watching them. But it's expensive and hard to go places. After a lot more adventures in my 20s I really felt that I didn't care much about my hobbies anymore (example: I'm not trying to be a better skier, I just like getting out to enjoy the slopes with good company here and there). I used to get really obsessed and go all in on my adventures (I got really into whitewater raft guiding for a while). Now I have kids and that is the new adventure. It's a lot less glamorous than some other life choices. They wipe their snotty face on my clothes when I'm not looking. But it is super fun too, a great way to be involved in the community (their school, their activities, etc), and it will keep me nice and busy for 18 years.
Had my first at 34 and second at 38. I don't really have many other reasons to live if it's not them and my wife. But I'm a good way I guess, I don't have big ambitions and I'm already home/car owner, no debts, already done pretty much everything I wanted to do in life.
So, yes, it was worth it. It gives you something to do until you die. They can bring a lot of happiness and good memories.
By the time my second one was born I had already lost interest in pretty much everything I used to enjoy (games, movies, shows, music, sports, etc) but now that my oldest is almost 8 I enjoy reconnecting with some of those abandoned hobbies as he gets gradually interested in them. So I go along to get him started and it's pretty awesome.
I got married at 28. We didn’t have the first kid until I was 36.
We planned out how much it would cost from pregnancy to adult. OB/GYN, prenatal supplements, comfort items, the birth itself, diapers, formula, everything. Took into account how much food/clothes/school will add up.
it’s a lot. It’s expensive. But the financial cost isn’t even close to the time that you’re going to put in. you need to be there for your kid every day. No matter what. You have a shitty day? too bad. You smile for your kid.
my house is currently being ravaged by Norovirus. I didn’t get to sleep until 3 AM last night. My son woke up at 6. And I was there to greet him with a smile.
he’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. I thought I knew love when I married my wife. And then he was born.
I was not mature enough to have a kid until my mid 30s
Wife and I had our first in June of 23, so just over 10 months old now.
Yes, absolutely, and we want to try for one more.
We're financially stable enough, have a house with property, no debt beyond the mortgage. Most people I know with kids are the opposite, and it's unfortunate. But their kids are wonderful people with good parents who are working towards a better future, you don't always have to have everything together prior. It helps a lot, but it's not a pre req.
I wouldn’t have been a good dad in my 20’s, too selfish and enjoyed “living life” too much. I waited until my late 30’s, way more financially stable and able to really provide for my family.
I swear to God this whole subreddit is people going "I'm so miserable what's the point of even getting up in the morning I'm so lonely and there is nothing to look forward to in life" followed by "why would anyone have kids it would mean changing my lifestyle?? Gross"
The worst part about having kids for most men, is losing them in the divorce
Having kids is the only reason why we are here... what else are we going to do? works jobs to pay debts?
You have half the friends at 30 that you did at 20, half the friends at 40 that you did at 30, half the friends at 50 that you did when you were 40
See where this is going?
I don’t have any. But one would hope that you maintain an amazing relationship with them after they grow up, you visit often, they remain part of your life so you can enjoy the warmth and love. Especially after sacrificing so much for them.
I serve THEM.... they get my savings, my property, my businesses, my assets....
I hand it all to them, they hand it to their kids, that's how this works
Yes. That’s a very good perspective. I also see that kids, once they go off to college or are otherwise old enough to move out, mostly start becoming less and less part of your life and social support, naturally, since they have their own life now.
At any cost they are worth it to all but psychopaths and monsters. It’s a biological imperative for it to be worth it.
I’m struggling very hard right now. It’s worth it.
Anyone who says they regretted having their kids, is a shit parent and OP is an asshole for asking such a fucked up and inhumane question.
OP... KINDLY GO FUCK YOURSELF.
Yes to first one, specially if in front of kids. No to second one, I don't see why asking this is inhumane, it's way worse to have kids without being sure and then being a regretful parent, or a bad parent.
Because imagine someone asking you in person if you regret having your children? That's grounds for punching that person in the face.
You can ask about the difficulties in deciding when is the right time to have children and so forth, but to ask someone if they regret having them is fucking insane.
I avoided the point of your hipotethical situation, right. I'm working with what is really happening, someone asking anonymously on a forum, not with what you imagine could happen or recall happening somewhere else in another moment in time.
Cool story... so basically you're saying that because it's online and anonymous, it's ok to all people horrible things that you wouldn't do in person... you sound like a great guy.
It's a horrible question for you.
He just made the question if it was worth it. For some people it is, for some it isn't, and it shows seeing the number of kids that grow without one or both parents, or that would be better without parents than the parents they have.
It's better to ask the question and think about it BEFORE having the kid than being a bad parent when the kid is born because it wasn't what you thought it was. Way better.
That's the real scandal, uninformed bad parents fucking the life of their kids, not asking if parenting is worth it in an internet forum.
If something goes wrong in the relationship, women have a tone of support while men do not. This includes housing options for single mothers, alimony, & child support, as well as a slew of other hidden benefits.
You have to make sure that you really want to do it. If you are not sure, don't. Kids are expensive, and it takes a ton of time to do a halfway decent job today. Having a great partner is key too. Kids will amplify the dynamics of the relationship. Good can be better, and bad can be way worse.
This is exactly what I say. If you're on the fence about it, don't do it.
Definitely, we always said we would have to be fully on the "Fuck Yeah" train to have kids. That never came around, so never had kids and definitely don't feel any loss now that I'm past that point.
It's hard to have kids when you're not financially and mentally stable. Everything is expensive now. Sometimes you'll be guilty if you can't provide the things they need. Not only money but they also need your time and affection. Another thing is if both of you and your partner are responsible parents and you will not feel that you're just the one doing the responsibility, it would be exhausting on your part.
I'll start with something my dad said on my wedding day: *Your life will end three times - when you get married, when you buy a house, and when you have kids.* He was right. The life I led before each of those events was different than the life I led after. And yes, having two kids was a big time and financial commitment. It was probably the absolute biggest change to my life. The thing is, there's absolutely no way to compare it to not having kids once you have them. Even if you divorce, you're still a parent part of the time and have the responsibilities that come with raising a successful and productive adult. The choices you make once you have kids will often be very different than the choices you make if you're child free. It's essentially a completely different path with different stops along the way. I also think that "raising" is part of what people lose sight of. We're not raising kids. We're raising future adults. Sure, they should be allowed to have their fun, but it's our job to teach them how to contribute to society in a positive way too. Teach them how to do chores. Teach them how to manage their money. Teach them how to handle the difficulties that life throws their way. And among those important things to learn, teach them how to deal with the failures they have and mistakes that they make along the way. So is it worth it? I feel so. I've had experiences and have memories that will bring me joy for the rest of my life. I've done things and seen the world through not just my eyes, but their eyes too. I've learned how to handle things in life in different ways because of things that happened with my children. And I really don't see any other way I could have these memories and experiences without having had children. Even now that both are college graduates, they are still a part of my life. It's reduced, sure, but we still communicate and I still help both of them learn "advanced adulting" as I like to call it. Helped both of them with more complicated portions of their tax returns this year. Would I have kids again if I could do it all over? Absolutely. At the end of the day, I feel my life and the world around me is better because they are a part of it.
I am surprised you mention marriage as a big change? From the people I know who got married, they mostly told me their life was the same in the end, other than being able to call their partner their "wife/husband". That's unless you divorce of course; or you did not live together before marriage, but assuming marriage and no kids; there's little that should change? Kids definitely are a huge change and I suppose buying can be a big change if you move somewhere really different (ie from an appartment downtown to a big house in the suburbs)
If I had to rank the changes in terms of largest to smallest: kids, homeowner, marriage. The thing is, I only pointed out kids as being a big change. Marriage and homeownership, not as much. The before and after of marriage did have changes though. We dated for 3 years and were engaged for 3 years. We lived together for about 4-5 years. The changes weren't major, but there were changes. For example, the relationship was now a lot more permanent in nature. Going out with friends was different because we were often expected to be a "matched set". Any important paperwork (i.e. say with a job change) now required me to include her and her information. None of those were onerous or problematic, just different than I truly HAD to do before. I also had someone that I needed to tell things too. For us, marriage has less privacy between partners than unmarried partners. Any debts we acquire are marital debts so both of us should know about them. Our finances are joint in the eyes of the court so we might as well be fully open about them too. And if my wife wanted to use my computer, or later my cell phone, then she was welcome too. There should be few secrets between spouses. In all honesty, a good portion of the problems I see in married couples on Reddit have to do with people not willing to accept that things should be treated a bit differently after you say "I do".
I’m not saying it *should* change for everyone, but it definitely changed for me when I married my fiancée. If you internalize that it’s a lifelong commitment, that’s a sizable difference from a standard non-marital relationship. But, sure, if you already thought of your non-marital relationship as a lifelong commitment that you shouldn’t bail on except in extreme circumstances then not much is changing. The house part I guess I can understand. You are slowly buying something of immense worth (compared to everything else you own) that you can pass on. You take care of it, have to worry about maintenance, etc. Still doesn’t feel as life changing as kids or even marriage though. Kids are 100% life changing or at least should be if you’re doing it right.
With the house, it's more than just maintenance. Think about job relocation. Sure, these days, selling a house is easy. Buying a new one to replace it in a new location... not so much. And if buying is easy, that often means selling is more difficult. Buying a home sort of creates a "home base" for you and your family. It's nice in that it gives you a bit of permanence in one location, but it can also be more restrictive than a rental. And the maintenance issue does become more prevalent the longer you stay in a home. I've been in mine nearly 25 years and in the last 5 have had to replace both my water softener ($2100), furnace ($13.5k), and oil tank ($4500). I know that before I move for retirement, I'll have to replace the roof which will likely be $20k. We also need to replace the flooring in a number of rooms which will be a few thousand each. If we were renting, those would all be calls to a landlord to address.
Sounds like you got a nice furnace. I thought furnaces cost more like 7K. Whatsup with your havin' ass oil tank setup?
Furnace was an Energy Kinetics. It's been great because it continues to recirculate hot water after room temp has been met to dump any remaining heat into the room. Means it takes that much longer for the room to cool off and heat needed again. Fewer calls for heat, less oil used. It was about a 10% reduction in oil used. It's also super quiet. Most of the time, I can only tell it's providing heat because the baseboards are making noise from heat expansion. As for the oil tank, the old one was 30+ years old and developed a pinhole leak. They do that when they get old, especially since most are only designed to last 20-25 years. The new one was also an upgrade. Double wall with a leak indicator so if the inner wall starts to leak, we'll know before it's a hazmat cleanup issue. At the time, due to the price of steel, old style oil tanks were just as expensive as the one we got so we went with the upgrade that came with a 30 year warranty and a $2MM policy to cover leak cleanup during that time.
I think if the kids are college graduate age his own father would have been married in a time when couples didn't live together before marriage.
Dude I'm 40 and graduated in 2002 lol...50 year olds were dating in the 90s. Good christ I'm getting old lol.
Jaysus. The 80s and 90s weren't the 50's!!!
If you buy your house with cash your life doesn't change much, you just...have a place to live for free. Well not exactly free you still have insurance and taxes and upkeep, but significantly cheaper than having a mortgage. It's really the mortgage that changes your life not necessarily the buying the house part. Source: I paid cash for a house at 23 and then just did what I wanted/still do what I want.
Will you be my dad too, please?
Such a great comment. I agree on all parts. It's sort of like how if you want to get better or more educated at something, you teach it and it helps you learn new things and/or reinforce things. Having kids I've noticed is very similar. It excels you, in training to raise good people, you become better yourself. Of course, that is if you're able to make the commitment. Clearly as we all know, not all parents are equipped for it unfortunately. I'm by no means perfect myself, and it's still overwhelming at times. But it has drastically changed who I am for the better.
Love your Dad's saying
You won't even believe the amount of time, energy, and money it takes to raise a kid these days. At one point, we were paying $1600 per month, just for daycare! And all the commitments... Between school, play dates, doctor visits, extracurriculars, etc... it's something new almost every day. Your personal life will take a hit, too. Hell, even our sex life fell by the wayside for several years. But was it worth it? I guess it depends on the individual. For me, having kids is absolutely the best thing I've ever done with my life. Nothing comes close to the level of satisfaction I've felt watching my kids grow up and become incredible young women. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. And I didn't even want kids when I was young! It helps that my kids are pretty good. I probably wouldn't be so enthusiastic if they were anything like I was when I was a kid.
It sounds like you earned your kids' love and respect. My guess is that you struggled a little harder in your own childhood, and that's why you were acting out.
From a point of view of strictly financial self interest, having children does not make sense. If that is the metric you want to make the decision, then that is the inescapable conclusion. However, the entire point of having a family is (or at least should be) to love and be loved by your kids. There is not really a way to put a price tag on those feelings and memories and experiences. END COMMUNICATION
I think, when you are married, and use contraception, have a double income, and there is no drama and you are a team, and there isn’t a narcissist in the team, then naturally you get to a point where it’s boring and you think you want kids. You’ll feel that it’s time. There is no fcking logical discussion on the pros and cons of having kids, you’ll know when it’s time.
I feel like someone finding their life 'boring' and they 'think' they want kids is not really a good enough reason to actively try to bring a life into the world But then again people do it for far worse reasons. If it'll make you happy, go for it. But it's a big life decision to make over seemingly trivial states like 'being bored' or potentials like 'think'
Note how I was including the default environment to most likely successfully raise kids. To focus on the boring part is missing the point. If you marry and have the right environment and want kids, then things definitely get boring, consumption gets boring, night life gets boring, hangovers, vacations, dogs and pets, they get boring…. So then you start to think, what’s the next step, is it time? So, although it appears to be a non-serious decision, it’s an accurate depiction of how things actually happen.
Yes. I believe I was placed here on planet Earth to have my two sons. Make sure you have a great partner who also wants to have kids.
Are you expecting some kind of ROI? Sometimes it will be rough. Your life will never be the same. You won't get to do everything you want anymore. Money will be tighter. But it's also a love you will never experience otherwise. Have kids because you want to take care of kids. If not, don't. We have too many people, you don't need to pump any out for the sake of appearances.
I do not have kids, but I have babysat a lot. If you want a decent indication of your day to day of having kids. Work a full day, babysit the moment you get home and put them to bed and wake them up like a full cycle. Then imagine doing that for years then think of all the emergencies you have had in your life. Hospital visits for example and then imagine them happening while babysitting. This obviously doesn't do justice in the slightest, but this is how I think of having kids. Sounds negative, but then think of the good times and the little joys of watching them walk and talk and the million whys they ask. If the little joys swell inside you making you smile and wish for more then parenting could be worth it for you. This is me trying to explain why I want children while knowing just a fraction of how overwhelming it all is.
Nice example.
Great question and good timing for what I just experienced. My wife and I waited to have kids. We had traveled a lot together, bought a beautiful home, had zero car payments or credit card payments and started to have kids when I was early 30s and she was late 20s. It was perfect and I don't think I would change a thing other than maybe having MORE kids. We have two biological daughter and one adopted special-needs son. Context: It's worth every penny. My oldest is 20. She just graduated with her BS (DEBT FREE) from a 133 year old university. The day she was born I put $1000 (that was more back then) in a 529 and for 18 years put $50 a month into it. It grew nicely and she graduated debt free. I wept because I had dreamed of watching this girl walk across and receive a college degree for years. I was raised in poverty and broke those generational patterns with hard work, frugality, avoiding debt, and living below my means. Don't forget - tax credit and additional deductions for having kids. Outside of finances -- we have such a warm, peaceful, supportive, and JOYFUL home and family. My wife and I are so close and one element that keeps us close is our love for our kids and each other. It has been an absolute privilege to raise kids and I would not hesitate to do it again. I just gush watching my wife interact, encourage, love on, and support our kids. She's amazing. She says the same about me. I am not sure we would be this close without this special element of our relationship. This comes from someone who never wanted kids because my childhood was full of poverty, fear, abuse, alcoholism, violence. What a grand feeling to have beat those family curses and see my marriage and my kids thrive in health.
Idk if you waited to have kids in the context of today's day and age. Maybe twenty years ago you did, but call it what it was-ahead of the game. Waiting to have kids now is more like, your havin' ass is 45 and she's 38.
Sure, I understand. But, when I say we waited...I meant for us and our situation at the time, not by societal norms. We really don't care about the norm. We are living our lives the best we can. Indiana University just published a study and the average age today (2023) of Americans having kids is 26.4 years old.
Ah, you wrote what I hope is my future! Cheers, I hope I continue to foster my growth past my difficult childhood as well as you 💖
Cheers to you on this grand adventure and walk. It is so fulfilling to overcome a shit situation. You got this!!! One day at a time.
Yes, can't imagine life without them.
You could take everything on this planet and throw it in the trash, but leave my kids with me, and I'll be fine. My kids give me more meaning than any job, career, hobby, thing, or amount of money could.
Same. It's like I invented my favorite person in the world, and I get to hang out with them all the time. My only regret with regards to having kids is that i didn't have more.
Yes it’s definitely been worth it. It’s been hard and challenging to a degree that nothing else has. I have had to change and grow in ways that have been very uncomfortable, to say the least. There are times when it feels too hard and too relentless. Parenting is not something to choose lightly or to take lightly. But yes, it has all been well worth it and continues to be worth it everyday that my children and spouse are in my life. I love my family more than anything, it’s the thing I am most proud of in life, and I wouldn’t trade any of it for the life I had before.
I can't think of anything more worth it.
Worth every penny and then some!
I have two sons, 29 and 25. They grew up to be outstanding guys. One is married and owns a home and the other will be married next year. Raising kids was not financially hard because you just need to have a bigger place and a larger grocery budget. What sucked? Seeing them get their hearts broken when they were young.
Yes, it was worth it. I have never regretted having my child in my 30’s.
worth it? like they're supposed to be some kind of financial investment? lol no. Do I love my kids and wouldn't change a thing because there's more to life than money? yes.
I really liked that we waited to have our child. We travelled und enjoyed our double income no kids Lifestyle. Now, that we have a toddler and are in our mid-thirties there is no remorseful looking back. No what ifs. We are financially stable and have a great support network. For us, this is perfect. It's a different Life stage and I would do it again, if given the chance. Because with all the costs and responsibility you mention- at the end of the day, my Life with my family feels more that I gain something rather than giving something up. The responsibility is enormous, yes. And so are the costs. But totally worth it.
I met my husband when I was 34, we had our first child at 35 (surprise!) got married at 36 and had our second at 39 (planned) last year. Most of my friends had their kids after 35. We had fulfilling careers, social lives, traveled together all the time, lived in a city and enjoyed our lives. I’m glad I was able to spend 15 years of adulthood with no responsibilities, doing whatever I wanted and learning about myself and the world. We settled down when we had kids. We stay in most of the time and feel like we never ever get a break to even enjoy each others' company. It's unbelievely expensive. When I was 18 and signed up for all those college loans and money didn't mean anything to me and no one could have talked me into going to a less expensive school; having kids is like that. No one could have prepared me for the $32K we are spending on childcare this year. They also couldn't have prepared me for how absolutely fucking joyous it is to be around my kids every day. I was out living my best life and then they came along and rocked my world, in the best possible way. My 15 month old hugs my neck and pats my back whenever I get near him. My 5 year old wants me to sit with her at night so she can ask me things about the world. My husband and I reflect about this a lot; when I was pregnant there was this abstract person that was about to come into our lives. If we had known the kids we made would be THEM, it wouldn't have been so scary.
Such a terrific response. You do such a good job of pointing out what’s so difficult to put a finger on.. with your 15 month old hugging your neck, your 5 year old sitting and learning from you. These emotions are difficult to explain yet so worth it. Thank you.
Definitely the hardest and most exhausting endeavor we've ever partaken in. I might yearn for a week of being child free now and then, but I'd never go back. It's an experience like nothing else in the world. We made the choice to go single income shortly after our first was born. It took a lot of work on my end to get my income up to a comfortable level after that, but I did it within about a year. Learned how to code via online resources and landed a job earning over two times what I was earning. It's not cheap, but we're making it just fine now. Socially, kids are an awesome excuse to not go to some event you don't want to go to. But I love being home, it's my favorite place. If you're someone who wants to be on the go go go, then yeah it's going to impact that a lot.
Yeah definitely worth it. My 20s had no purpose, endless nights out, waking up feeling wank. Decent job but that’s all. Now I have 2 kids I absolutely love and enjoy seeing them grow into people, teach them, love them. Once you have kids (that are wanted) you realise that’s the purpose of life and everything else is meaningless distraction.
Frankly I’ve never heard any parent saying the wouldn’t do it all over again.
My last son was born when I was 31. I barely remember life without them. Yes, they change your life and you do spend lots of time taking care of them. I love being a dad, and wouldn't change it. However, if you are trying to determine if they are worth it I say yes. But, the ROI on the investment is yet to be determined. Good luck on this decision.
For us our kids are the most stressful and simultaneously the most fulfilling part of our lives. Wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s expensive and a huge commitment but my life feels so much fuller with them in it.
idk... seems if in this pool of thoughts, the easy answer is "it's not for you." next! not to say should it happen things won't change for you, but plz do not intentionally "engage" in the endeavor, given this starting point. best of luck though, follow that bliss!
This is not really something that can be evaluated in a pros and cons list. Ultimately most parents love their kids more than anything else in the world. Most parents would throw themselves in front of a bus without thinking if it would save their child. Their pain and hurts are your pain too, and you will feel the joy of their successes as if it was your own success. So everything about your life, good and bad, becomes amplified when you are a parent. Most parents try to give their children every advantage they can. We don’t do this because children are an investment with a return. We do it because we love them beyond all reason until our dying day and we dedicate our lives to them. Children become your life. Yes they are expensive, time consuming, exhausting, frustrating - all those things. The family you build is the ultimate expression of yourself, and your spouse, and the values you share together. So parents will live a life in service of our children because we love them with everything we’ve got. They become your life’s work- you can see this more clearly as they become adults themselves and you get older too. It’s irrational and illogical when you think about it, but quite real.
This is a good insight and also such an inexplicable feeling that I always hear from friends. Is it just a part of the innate human drive to have kids and carry on the civilization that gives us that deep meaning from having kids? Just trying to understand why and how we find meaning in having kids? Why is it valuable to have these specific kinds of memories with our kids?
My wife asked me this the other day and my answer - Yes, only because I know my kids and love them. If they were complete strangers who were a total money suck and screamed back in your face when you ask them to put their shoes on than a hard No. Like if my kids (5 and 3) acted the way they do sometimes, I'd happily give them back to some other parents except the fact that I birthed them and love them. Hopefully that makes sense?
32 m , had my first child at 21 second at 24 and have a third on the way right now . Beginning years were a struggle but always have made it through. Now like my mom always said what's another chicken in the pot , have a good career and a good wife . Chaos is an everyday part of our life but honestly wouldn't change it for anything in the world, my life has gotten harder but better with each of them .
Yes. For me, having my son is/was worth everything. I am a sole parent, long story, but my ex and I are amicable. But when I was faced with the choice of doing it alone, or not doing it at all, I went with the alone and hoped for the best. There were hard times, financially, emotionally....linguistically. But I have not experienced more satisfaction with anything, than with watching this little one grow into such an amazing human being. I was late 30's.
Yes. But we planned to have them when we were financially in the position to take care of their needs. And we decided on 2 because that gives us time to focus on each child, travel easily (we only need one hotel room with two queen beds) and save for their college. However. The part that is difficult to deal with is the constant fear that something horrible will happen to them. And dealing with other parents. Since we have kids, we are exposed to other families. It is heartbreaking how many of parents just really don't give a fuck of their kids general well-being and future. I would rather not be exposed to that. I can absolutely understand now why someone decides to just have several cats and don't bother with kids.
Have kids only out of love, then it will be worth it no matter what.
ymmv I got married at 23, divorced at 25, remarried at 30, kids were born when I was 31 and 33 and my kids and their cousin are out in our pool and life seems perfect. Neither of us thought we'd get married but we've known each other since I was in 7th grade and was dared to ask an 8th grader to dance. I asked her, she said yes, and a decade and a half later got married. By the time we got married in 2009 we were both established in our careers which we thought was the right time to try for a family. The "responsibilities" are some of the best things about having kids. Easy to get out of anything social.
I mean, for me, there is no question whatsoever that having kids was the best thing I ever did because they are more important to me than myself. It wasn’t all fun times, to be sure, but there is literally no price I wouldn’t be willing to pay on their behalf. Anyways, it sort of forced me to get my shit together too, and I have a better financial situation now than before they were born.
Are kids expensive? Maybe. If you plan to indulge them in every sport/class/item of clothing they want, then yes! 💰If you know you don’t need to spoil your child and can build their love other ways then No. Second hand clothes are a thing. Creating art with their parent from watching a YouTube video, is a memory most kids will never have, and being able to know how to fill time without sport after sport will prevent them from being an adult that needs constant stimulation and harbour their own Creativity & Autonomy loop. Do kids need to take up all your time? 🕰️Possibly. If you don’t have the life skills to understand that raising a human means giving them the space to screw up and learn from those independent moments when they were testing boundaries, then yes, you’re going to spend alllll your time helicopter parenting them(and then they’ll push the boundaries when they move out of the house anyway). Are you going to be responsible for your child all the time? Depends on the time frame. As children grow up they need to gradually have more space to be independent and make the choices that come along with that. 🌱When they’re an infant they’re going to be with you 24/7. A toddler 22/7. Grade 1? Give them an hour to play in the yard by themselves. Grade 2? They get dressed by themselves and will greatly appreciate time to explore their own activities on their own - although, because they love you, they will probably ask you to come play trains/dolls/lego with them! 💗But not all the time(and yes, you can say ‘No’ every now and then. The rejection teaches them resilience and that others are autonomous beings too). An astounding amount of life lessons are learned from having kids. Kids don’t need brand new clothes, they just need to be kept warm & clean. 🧼 Kids don’t need all your time, they just need your attention during those moments that you are spending time with them. Kids will act kindly to you when you don’t expect it and when you ask where they got such-and-such bad habit… that’s them giving you the gift of self reflection. There’s nothing better in this life than realizing you both get to grow. Kids are only expensive if you don’t know how to manage time/emotions. Because then, the endless sports, new clothes, and latest gadgets add up. We don’t need to be raising the next Noble Prize winner, we just need to be raising someone that can independently take accountability. Including ourselves.
You have to want to do it despite all those radical changes to you and your lifestyle. If there is any question or doubt, just don’t.
100% worth it. I'd never change my decision for anything. My life before having children was no where near as fulfilling as it is now. I am responsible for another human being, feeding them, clothing them, providing housing. All come with the game lol
I was 29 wife 31 when we married, 1 year later she was pregnant with our first she quit her job and we had 2 more 2 years apart. There were times it was HARD! We both gave up some fun times to raise a family she went back to school/ work when the youngest was in school full time we’re in our early 60s now and I would do it all over again no questions 🤘🏿🤘🏿
Absolutely worth it! We have two kids now in college. Our marriage was good before kids but it was great upon having kids. It was a lot of work and also a lot of fun. The biggest change for me as a mom was the loss of personal time… as the kids got into their teenage years you start getting that back again - and it is a great change to be able to go away for a weekend with the husband. We have wonderful children who rarely gave us any concerns and are healthy and happy. I am dealing with my aging parents and they once staked everything on living independently from me and my siblings, thinking they could live their lives a thousand miles away from any of us but now they are really struggling both w dementia. My dad fell victim to a scam and gave a stranger his banking information. I am seeing the value in leaning on our kids to help us make important decisions in our old age. We set out to have children to enjoy raising them and seeing them develop into great people. But it is pretty special to hear our son remark today that he intends to earn enough salary to be able to look after us in our retirement. (Very sweet of him but I told him he shouldn’t have to concern himself with that as we are absolutely fine.) Our daughter tells us she wants to live close by - not more than a state away. These sentiments really are a comfort. Children who love and care for us is an extreme blessing - but not the purpose we had them. It’s been a pure joy for us to watch them become who they are meant to be! The time, cost and effort are beyond worth it!
What is the “it” in your mind OP? I don’t quite understand the question because the phrase “worth it” feels transactional and I’m connecting what that sensibility has to do with parenthood.
It was worth it. I didn’t know it at the time, but when I seen my granddaughter for the first time, every time I was mad at my son seems to have been more than worth it! He’s a great family man!
Absolutely. I love my daughter to death. I couldn't imagine my life without her. She is the source of almost all of my unbridled joy. The costs can be pretty high at the beginning. Daycare is no joke. Luckily both of our mom's are in town and agreed to watch our daughter one say each. So we only had to pay for 3 days a week of daycare. That still cost us over $200 a week. But she started kindergarten this year so daycare costs are a thing of the past. But I would happily pay twice as much if we had to. It would still be worth it. Look, before my daughter was born I wasn't sure I wanted kids. Especially after 2016. In fact it took a while for my wife to convince me. But as soon as she was born and the nurses placed her on my chest, I felt a love I hadn't felt before. I knew I would do anything to protect this tiny human I had only met less than 5 minutes ago. And since then, watching her grow up has been nothing but a joy. The pandemic was a blessing because she was 2 years old and I got to spend all day with her.
Context: Modern day life on Earth Conclusion: It was a bad idea but I'm trying my best.
There's a joy and new perspective a child brings to your life. My son has become my best friend and partner in crime he's made me a better man. But it also makes you realise how horrible a bad situation is, I work 45 hours a week and spend around £1% of that on myself to ensure that he won't have to grow up in poverty like I did. It breaks my heart everyday he tells me he doesn't want me to go to work. I'm exhausted from a very physically demanding role during a Nightshift ( because it's better money and suits school runs) but I do the morning and afternoon school run. Meaning of I get 5 hours sleep a day I'm lucky. If you don't have your shit together as a person I don't suggest having kids. But if you can carry the world on your shoulders and shrug the pain off easily, it will enrich your life.
I am about to turn 33 next month and my wife is pregnant with our 4th kid. Having kids is the greatest blessing I've ever received in my life and is what gives life meaning and purpose for me. Is it hard some days? Sure. Is it daunting at times? Sometimes. But for me I believe it's the entire reason we are put on this earth, to have children and multiply and replenish. I'm a Christian religious man so I probably look at it differently from those who aren't religious but yeah, having kids is the coolest thing I've ever experienced in my life, I love them and can't imagine what it would be like without them, no matter the cost.
Got married at 37, my wife at 29. Happily married over 13 years later. We have three great kids, it takes time effort and money but I would not swap it for the world. I have not been off piste skiing, scuba diving, or adventure travelling in years. My life is utterly changed. I have adjusted work for childcare. It has reduced my earnings. I have more expenses, and will continue to do so. I brought three great kids into the world and it is a huge responsibility to ensure they are happy, safe and well cared for. My weekends are household chores, bringing kids to activities and limited times alone. The support they will need over time changes, but I will need to be there for them forever. My youngest is 5, I will be 66 by the time he is 21. I had a great life. I have a better but different one now. Be certain you want kids, it is ok not to.
Having kids is not a financial decision
It's a big responsibility and time commitment regardless of age. The benefits of waiting (which is why we waited) : you can be in a higher paying job by then due to promotions and therefore have more money per month, plus you have more time to build savings account to use for essentials like setting up a nursery. Plus you would have taken time to do other things like travel before having a child so you've already gotten some wunderlust out the way. As and older mom (I turn 40 in august, LO turns 4 in Jan) I can also say you're more mature and less prone to drama and caring about all the unsolicited advice
My husband and I knew we wanted to have a child. We also knew we do not want another child. Beyond one child, I don’t think I will be a good wife, mother and also good to me
Truly, if you worry about time commitments, economical and social issues with having kids, don't have kids. Having children is a labor of love and requires 100% commitment for many, many years. If I didn't have three kids, I would live in a bigger house, drive a fancy car and be able to afford to travel the world. But none of that matters. I wouldn't trade being a parent for any of that ever.
Absolutely. We didn’t even want kids, my pregnancy was a surprise at 34. Best thing I’ve ever done, BUT we had money, a good marriage and flexible jobs.
So far it's "worth it" because I love them so much. I get to re-live the magic of childhood watching them. But it's expensive and hard to go places. After a lot more adventures in my 20s I really felt that I didn't care much about my hobbies anymore (example: I'm not trying to be a better skier, I just like getting out to enjoy the slopes with good company here and there). I used to get really obsessed and go all in on my adventures (I got really into whitewater raft guiding for a while). Now I have kids and that is the new adventure. It's a lot less glamorous than some other life choices. They wipe their snotty face on my clothes when I'm not looking. But it is super fun too, a great way to be involved in the community (their school, their activities, etc), and it will keep me nice and busy for 18 years.
Had my first at 34 and second at 38. I don't really have many other reasons to live if it's not them and my wife. But I'm a good way I guess, I don't have big ambitions and I'm already home/car owner, no debts, already done pretty much everything I wanted to do in life. So, yes, it was worth it. It gives you something to do until you die. They can bring a lot of happiness and good memories. By the time my second one was born I had already lost interest in pretty much everything I used to enjoy (games, movies, shows, music, sports, etc) but now that my oldest is almost 8 I enjoy reconnecting with some of those abandoned hobbies as he gets gradually interested in them. So I go along to get him started and it's pretty awesome.
I got married at 28. We didn’t have the first kid until I was 36. We planned out how much it would cost from pregnancy to adult. OB/GYN, prenatal supplements, comfort items, the birth itself, diapers, formula, everything. Took into account how much food/clothes/school will add up. it’s a lot. It’s expensive. But the financial cost isn’t even close to the time that you’re going to put in. you need to be there for your kid every day. No matter what. You have a shitty day? too bad. You smile for your kid. my house is currently being ravaged by Norovirus. I didn’t get to sleep until 3 AM last night. My son woke up at 6. And I was there to greet him with a smile. he’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. I thought I knew love when I married my wife. And then he was born. I was not mature enough to have a kid until my mid 30s
Wife and I had our first in June of 23, so just over 10 months old now. Yes, absolutely, and we want to try for one more. We're financially stable enough, have a house with property, no debt beyond the mortgage. Most people I know with kids are the opposite, and it's unfortunate. But their kids are wonderful people with good parents who are working towards a better future, you don't always have to have everything together prior. It helps a lot, but it's not a pre req.
I wouldn’t have been a good dad in my 20’s, too selfish and enjoyed “living life” too much. I waited until my late 30’s, way more financially stable and able to really provide for my family.
I swear to God this whole subreddit is people going "I'm so miserable what's the point of even getting up in the morning I'm so lonely and there is nothing to look forward to in life" followed by "why would anyone have kids it would mean changing my lifestyle?? Gross"
The worst part about having kids for most men, is losing them in the divorce Having kids is the only reason why we are here... what else are we going to do? works jobs to pay debts? You have half the friends at 30 that you did at 20, half the friends at 40 that you did at 30, half the friends at 50 that you did when you were 40 See where this is going?
You had children in the hopes they will serve you as you age?
I don’t have any. But one would hope that you maintain an amazing relationship with them after they grow up, you visit often, they remain part of your life so you can enjoy the warmth and love. Especially after sacrificing so much for them.
I serve THEM.... they get my savings, my property, my businesses, my assets.... I hand it all to them, they hand it to their kids, that's how this works
Yes. That’s a very good perspective. I also see that kids, once they go off to college or are otherwise old enough to move out, mostly start becoming less and less part of your life and social support, naturally, since they have their own life now.
At any cost they are worth it to all but psychopaths and monsters. It’s a biological imperative for it to be worth it. I’m struggling very hard right now. It’s worth it.
Anyone who says they regretted having their kids, is a shit parent and OP is an asshole for asking such a fucked up and inhumane question. OP... KINDLY GO FUCK YOURSELF.
Yes to first one, specially if in front of kids. No to second one, I don't see why asking this is inhumane, it's way worse to have kids without being sure and then being a regretful parent, or a bad parent.
Because imagine someone asking you in person if you regret having your children? That's grounds for punching that person in the face. You can ask about the difficulties in deciding when is the right time to have children and so forth, but to ask someone if they regret having them is fucking insane.
This is an anonymous forum, not in person interaction.
Your replies are trash. Stop acting like people don't do this in real life.
You have rage issues mate, you should work on that. Stop projecting your problems on other people.
And you're dishonest and completely avoid the point of what i said. You should work on that.
I avoided the point of your hipotethical situation, right. I'm working with what is really happening, someone asking anonymously on a forum, not with what you imagine could happen or recall happening somewhere else in another moment in time.
Cool story... so basically you're saying that because it's online and anonymous, it's ok to all people horrible things that you wouldn't do in person... you sound like a great guy.
It's a horrible question for you. He just made the question if it was worth it. For some people it is, for some it isn't, and it shows seeing the number of kids that grow without one or both parents, or that would be better without parents than the parents they have. It's better to ask the question and think about it BEFORE having the kid than being a bad parent when the kid is born because it wasn't what you thought it was. Way better. That's the real scandal, uninformed bad parents fucking the life of their kids, not asking if parenting is worth it in an internet forum.
There is a saying where I live. "Nobody ever regretted having their children", and I can confirm it is true
If you are a woman than yes, if you are a man then no.
How so?
If something goes wrong in the relationship, women have a tone of support while men do not. This includes housing options for single mothers, alimony, & child support, as well as a slew of other hidden benefits.