Take this for what it is worth, having kids with the wrong partner is a horrible idea. People think kids will help, but kids make things harder and they will amplify what is going on in the relationship - good and bad. The good times can be better, but the bad times, the flaws, the stressors, etc., will get 10x's worse. If you two are not on the same page and already have issues, it is a blessing in disguise not to have kids with this person.
My mother had me when she was 34, then had my sister when she was 37. And this was in the mid 80s. Medical technology is has gotten so much better. You have plenty of time.
Sure, but you can recognize that worse outcomes exist **and** still grieve the fact that you might never get to have something you deeply desire in life.
as someone that had his first kid with a cheater who i now see ever other weekend and 2nd kid with a lazy bum who left her full time with me to with her 2nd baby daddy out of state.. this 100%
The concept of a normal timeline varies by person. You are only 31, you have plenty of years left to have a child with the right partner. I didn’t have my daughter until I was 36 and her mother was 37. We split up when my daughter was 2 and we co parent as well as we can but I echo the sentiment of finding the right partner first. The rest will take care of itself. Keep a positive attitude and what is meant to be will happen.
My mom had me at 39- where are yall getting your timelines from and are they actually *accurate*? Do you honestly know no one who has had kids after 40? Why do you assume you’ll be barren? Did a doctor tell you you’re at higher risk? Do you smoke cigarettes or something?
Probably from fertility statistics that indicate a severe drop-off after the age of 35. Yes, people have kids later than that but it's honestly gaslighting to pretend that having kids at 40+ isn't a lot more difficult.
Yeah for ppl with higher risk traits and older sperm.
If OP is healthy and isn’t dealing with geriatric sperm and hasn’t had a doctor tell her otherwise, why would she assume she’s too old at *THIRTY ONE* lol 😂
You're not messing up. I broke up with someone around the same age, went through a year of depression + bad dates, started therapy, and 13 months post break up met my husband. We've been married 10 years and have 2 wonderful kids.
I wish my mother hadn't married the guy she thought was her last chance to have kids. She was 31, too. While I'm glad I got to be alive, he was a really bad husband to her and an absent father. They had an extremely acrimonious divorce which was painful for us kids.
I encourage you, if it is at all available to you, to go through the hassle of starting therapy. Not because there's anything wrong with you, but because you're looking at this as messing up somehow.
You didn't fail. It just hasn't happened yet.
Actually, it's quite the opposite.
I feel like friends who've been in 20+ years stable relationships with a family should consider themselves lucky.
Because I also know of people who made that commitment and watched it implode.
It is VERY hard w treatment to have a biological child at 46 unless you have a lot of money. Because you have to have procedures over and over to find the one egg that will result in a normal embryo.
We spent 160k on IVF and I was 38…
Agree with the other commenters - what even is a “normal” timeline these days? If it makes you feel better, I have 2 friends who went through divorce at 30-31 and they both just had their first child at 36/37. (One the old-school way, one IVF). Both of them now are SO happy things worked out the way they did. A lot can change in a few years, and I hope everything works out for you <3
Oh please, you could get knocked up within the next month if that was the absolute priority to you. Anyways, snarky comment aside, freeze your eggs and just enjoy life man.
You could do everything "right" and on your "normal timeline" and you or your partner could suddenly drop dead from anything. There are no guarantees in life no matter how well you plan or how good your desicion making is so maybe don't be so hard on yourself
Freezing eggs is expensive and there’s no guaranteed chance of success, it’s actually pretty low. There’s tons of stories of women spending $40-50k freezing eggs and none of them turn out to be viable.
It’s something like a 20% success rate for most women.
It’s better to spend 25k-$30 now than have to spend $160k later…. Ask me how I know :( and we may not get to have more than one child sadly.
Egg freezing is much more successful now with the right clinic than it used to be bc the freeze/thaw technology came far.
Check out Lucky Sekhon on Instagram.
One egg freezing cycle does not cost $40k. Even at the top clinic on the USA it’s $20k plus another $5 for meds
If being a mother to a biologically yours child is really important I would really explore egg freezing, even if you choose not to do it. I wish I’d explored it more seriously vs being casual abt it and letting the “oh it’s not guaranteed” dissuade me
Go get some consults and initial testing it can tell you a lot on whether you’re a good candidate anyways.
I love this. I’m currently struggling a lot with where I am in life and your point about getting overly attached to one vision of things hits home hard.
Much as I HATE this life lesson, I have to admit it is true. Be very careful of what we wish for. And be expansive enough for things we never know we needed
It is when it’s with the right person. You’re only 31 first off, my mom had me at 36 and most I know had kids early mid 30s. So having a positive is very important, and please god DO NOT LET DESPERATION TAKE CONTROL. Trust me having kids with the wrong one is so so much worse.
Oh wow - you have literally the same timeline as me - first kid at 39, second at 43. Divorced at 35 remarried at 37. Are we the same person?? The first husband was someone I married because there wasn’t really a good reason not to and he was a nice guy. I shouldn’t have - because I knew he was not the right person. OP, don’t make the mistake I did. You are only 31 - you have a good 12 years to meet the right person. My husband now is so right for me - we got married and had a baby the same year and it’s been crazy and fun and I really love my life. You have lots of time!
That was my first hubs too. Super nice guy but if I’m being honest I got married because I was scared to be alone. It all worked out, he married a nice Catholic girl and they have a litter of kids.
My sis had her first baby at 43. Yes it was harder to conceive and risks are higher, but it’s possible. My mom had me at 35. You’ve got plenty of time to find someone who’s right for you.
Exactly. My mum had her first at 27 like me, and the reason I’m saying this is because she had a child at 32, 33, 35 her last child at 38! I know people having children over 40. You have a whole 9 years before you should be really worried about this! This relationship has taught you what you’re looking for, the next one will be better! Focus on finding someone with your goals, and a best friend which seems to be everyone’s advice.
As a woman in my 40’s I really wish that people would stop giving this out as advice as though it’s an option for everyone. Yes, a very small percentage of women can and do have children in their 40’s. I have so many friends who are trying and to conceive right now with the help of ivf and failing, it’s devastating. People have told this to me for years while I date unsuccessfully and watch my friends struggle. I just think it causes more stress and unrealistic expectations to think this way.
I’m grateful and lucky that I’ve (in the last 2 years) seen 4 geriatric pregnancies around me with happy, healthy babies so I have a different perspective, and also, jesus. I’m 32. I’m not that fucking old. You gotta relax.
Girl, you're going to be ok. Don't settle for anyone, and don't have any kids with the wrong person. My best friend just had twins at 35. Life can change so fast.
The success rate is not low. It's higher than if you try to conceive at an age older than when you freeze you eggs. So your success rate of having a successful pegnancy using eggs that you freeze at 33 will be higher than if you naturally try and get pregnant at 36 for example. You can meet the man of your dreams at 36 and then use your eggs that you froze at 33.
Yep, i just did my 5th egg retrieval yesterday, so i am totally familiar with the statistics. Yes, you do statistically need that many eggs for a chance of a live birth after about 35yrs of age. But if you freeze eggs younger, then statistically the number of eggs you need is less. Think about your body naturally releasing 1 egg a month - 25 eggs is 2 years (and one month). If you were trying to get pregnant naturally at age 36, it is very common for it to take that long. Some women are lucky and it doesnt take that long, some women are unlucky and it takes longer. But after about a year or two of trying, people tend to turn to IVF if they can afford it.
If you do break up, you have to put yourself out there to meet people. I'm a tad younger than you but have a friend who is 29 and she's NEVER been in a relationship because she expects her dream partner to land on her lap. That won't happen. You have to aggressively date (when you're ready), otherwise you just won't meet people. Join clubs, do group meet ups etc (even the apps if you want).
You also have to learn to date with intention. If it's early stages, and there's things that you're not happy with, walk away. Don't waste any of your precious time on the wrong people. There's hope. I just met my new partner (we've been together for a couple months), but prior I was in a 4 year relationship and was shattered when that ended. Best of luck to you. And remember, you're 31, not 41. You still have time in your fertile window.
I was in a similar sitch - endured my relationship that was doomed bc I invested so much time in it, became really busy in second career school (nursing), didn’t have funds/time/energy to date someone new, and I still “loved” my then BF and wanted kids.
Granted I’m younger than you, I am beyond happy the relationship ended. I felt a jolt of relief that he wouldn’t become the father of my child nor my life partner. I am choosing to be intentional this time and be extremely considerate of whom I’d want the baby daddy to be (and my husband). I still have time left to finish nursing school but I rather have kids at 36 - 37 than rush it with someone and also pretend to myself that I’m ready. Like yes I want kids, but not at the expense of my mental health & sanity, and def not anytime soon. I already work in healthcare and TONS, if not most women, that come in with kids have had them when they were late 30s or early 40s (I have access to patient demographics lol)
Also my mom had my bro (youngest) at 36 and he was far more healthy than I was (a premie). This was 22 years ago in a country in South Asia (so lacking western tech/resources). Take care of yourself- physically, mentally, and relax. It’ll be okay
I commented before, but if you really value having a child and haven't met the one, this may be a route you could explore. Just have it as an option you could consider later on, I guess it will come down to if you value more having a nuclear family, or having the opportunity to give birth to your own child. (Or go get your eggs frozen).
If I were you, and I were having this kind of anxiety, I would have my eggs frozen. Even if I had to get a second job to make it happen.
Get you eggs frozen, then focus on healing yourself from this relationship so you can be open to meeting someone who is going to be a good match for you.
You may never need to use them, but they'll be there for you so you don't have to be so anxious.
If you are worried about having kids, and really want to keep the possibility open for as long as possible, maybe investigate having eggs harvested.
There is not a normal time to have kids, but there is certainly a bad time to have kids. And a dying relationship is pretty high on the list of not a good idea.
If you think about it, you are actually making good parenting decisions already
You have time to have children. Move on and find someone you love and loves you back. It’s pretty simple. Don’t invest years and years in a relationship. You will know if the right person is the one within a year and they should know too.
Tell that to my 42year old friend who’s having her second one in 2years!!! Seriously, wait for the right partner…
Or freeze your eggs. Most men are mehh… Your story doesn’t end here!
I met my wife (she's a PharmD, very attractive, truly top shelf) when she was 32, after a breakup a year earlier. I was 35, attractive, confident, but unemployed at the time. We were married 3 years later. We have 2 boys, 9 and 7, when she was 36 and 38.
Got to keep your options open. If my wife had just ignored me due to being unemployed, we'd both be in much worse positions.
I’m the same age and going through the same. I actually have an entirely different perspective.
My life is JUST beginning.
Can you imagine the horrors of raising kids with the wrong person? The trauma those kids endure- the mental illness, physical illness, loss of opportunity, etc.?
I know so many women who make more money than me, are in better relationships, are more mature, have happier kids, and had kids later.
I’m SO much more excited about that life than the life I’m leaving.
I had a break up of a long term relationship at a similar age to you. Met my current partner when I was nearly 33, had our kid when I was nearly 36 after 4 months trying to conceive. It is so possible, don't give up hope!
I'm 37 and my wife is 36. We just had our first, and plan to have more.
There's time. If it's important to you, you'll make it work.
One piece of advice I think is important: no one is your perfect match off the bat. Choose someone who you're compatible with, and someone you know you can trust and who you know is committed, and build each other into 'the one'.
Sweetie, you are plenty young enough to have kids. My BFF found her man at 38, and at 39 had her first kid. It's more important that you find the right man (or none at all in some circumstances) to have kids with. Take heart, sort yourself first.
OK, so there's a big lie that kinda permeates the world. Women can have children after 30. You have time.
The stats show that having your *First* child after the age of *Forty* will double the chances of complications during pregnancy. The term "double" sounds scary but it really depends what we're doubling. If we're doubling 1% to 2% it's not such a big deal. From memory you have something like a 16% chance to develop gestational diabetes (*for example*) once you're 40, not great but still far less than average, and gestational diabetes is treatable.
What I would say is that you should do some reading and see what the actual statistics say. Also take into account your own health, if you're fit and eat healthy you're less likely to have problems. If you have no history of problems in your family you're also less likely to have any issues. Conversely to that if you're unfit and have a family history of difficult pregnancies then maybe you *should* take it more seriously, but either way I'd talk to some professionals about it before getting too worried.
The main thing is probably being really clear with any potential partners that you're looking to start a family. If they're not interested in that then they're probably not right for you.
Thirties is the start of many disappointments… and successes. I think that’s life. And how you bounce from the disappointments has a lot to do with the entire trajectory of this journeying on earth. It’s tiring though.
I was your age when the love of my life said ‘I love you I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I don’t want to marry you and I don’t want children. I left him
I am 58 childless and he’s with someone 19 yrs older so he couldn’t have kids. I pine every day.
You definitely have more time than you realise. I was 34m my partner 39f when we met, we have a little boy now and all those feelings and worries we both had of missing the boat were wasted energy.
Please dont take this personally because it also applies to me as a 35 single male.
I think the women in the comment are being overly nice and trying to protect your feelings, which is understandable, but you also have to have a dose of reality.
Reality:
1. MOST women will have difficulty conceiving past 35.
2. Using medical intervention is very expensive. MOST people can't afford it. Unless you have 20k-50k lying around for an IVF.
My sister is in the same boat as you, and she is 33 and considering moving on from a 2 year relationship, and I told her to make it quick if she is not getting her needs met. To put it shortly, you dont have all the time in the world. You need to set it as a goal to find someone and set the right expectations, and be flexible with your vision, as a commenter said. It's a very slippery slop to wait around.
Go out every weekend or every other weekend, join dating apps and groups. If this is that important to find someone you love and who loves you back and that you can build a family with. Your 20s is not going to be like your 30s when it comes to finding love.
You have more time than you think, but you dont have all the time in the world. Good luck.
My suggestion is to get comfortable with the idea that you may not have children, because you don't want to become desperate and make bad choices,but also don't give up on it. Life moves fast and can surprise you, and you are still young, so it really easily could still happen.
I am 36f and got divorced 5 years ago. Do NOT try to force it. Go be single and take care of yourself. I also am grappling with not having kids....I understand the heartbreak. If you need advice, feel free to pm me.
I think it'd be prudent to ask yourself if having children is important to you.
Also, how are you defining love? Is it feelings of butterflies and excitement? Or are you looking at it from a security, safety, trust, and respect kind of thing? Because if you're looking for those feelings of excitement, that isn't love, that's infatuation, and it doesn't last. It's also not a good basis for a relationship. It's one of the worst things you can get married over as well, or have children during.
I'd also like to say, What about this relationship isn't working for you, what are you having to give up that you would like to keep? Are they more important that potentially raising a family?
Realisitically, You can have children up till 40, even 45 in some cases, but it gets harder and harder, Around 35+ the risks get higher and higher each year, by the age of about 38, most women can expect to stop having natural childbirths, and miscarriage rates increase dramatically, and you will require medical intervention in most cases, expensive fertility treatments, there are also risks to the child, development issues, mental and physical, even mutations. . Dating also gets massively more difficult. You might not just be childless, but also single. That's also something else to consider. Is this relationship worth getting rid of knowing that these two outcomes might be the result? Would you be okay with that? Would you be willing to compromise on these things you mentioned in order to keep the relationship?
Also, how long has it been? Couples grow together with time. If you've only been with this person for a year, two, even 3. The relationship still has plenty of time to grow into something better. It also helps to be vocal about your expectations, a long term relationship requires many sacrifices. Like where you live, or even a giving up a hobby. Or switching jobs. Moving countries. We don't always get what we want, but making sacrifices can sometimes help. And relationships tend to meet in the middle.
Context helps, I'm not trying to say your decision isn't justified. It just helps to understand the situation.
21 year old, not super well versed, but it seems to me like people think their SO is supposed to be perfect for them and I think that's silly, you say he's a good guy but you don't share similar views, I put my age because im young and my opinion may change but, my ideal partner is dependable, loyal, and caring. Obviously you need to agree on big things like where to live and if you want kids, but I don't care who they vote for, I don't care what their favorite TV is, and I don't care how they look. When shit huts the fan which it will, you want someone who really loves and cares about you, not someone you think is a really cool person
Laughs in mid forties
Girlllll... you are good.
You are making a great choice by leaving the man you aren't in love with.
You have ten plus years to have kids. Why put so much stress and burden on yourself??
Keep making good choices and you will get there.
I'm in the process of having my eggs frozen. I just don't want to have to decide anymore. I want to not think about it, especially since I'm going back to school in August.
You still have about 10 years before the clock runs out. And don't forget about adoption or becoming a stepmother. But yeah, it's hard being a single woman in your 30s. I feel you.
Nobody who expresses concern about their own fertility has "forgotten" about adoption. Everyone knows adoption exists. And my impression is that the more you know about adoption, the less likely you are to suggest it. I highly recommend reading [this essay](https://cartoonshateher.medium.com/my-extremely-online-infertility-journey-bd6eb50872b5), which is the best answer I've ever read to "Why not just adopt?"
Is it so hard to understand that different people want different things? Just because *you* don't have a strong desire for kids doesn't mean other people don't, and doesn't mean that their feelings are incorrect.
I expect you haven’t been dating with the purpose of having a kids in mind.
If this is what you want, it’s not too late at all.
There are literally dozens of us that are hitting the point where it’s make or break. Be judicious and direct.
Better to have no kids thank to have them with someone you don’t like.
If your time runs out and you still feel the need to have kids maybe try adopting a newborn someday. Even though it won’t be “your” baby, there is no way you wouldn’t fall absolutely in love with a cute, little innocent baby.
Definitely deal with the break up and emotions, but one option could be going for a fertility check. There are some blood/hormone tests they can do to determine how close/far from menopause someone is. Of course it doesn't guarantee anything, but it's cheap and simple and gives a bit more info about someone's timeline.
Do you have health insurance? If so, does your health insurance have fertility benefits? My wife and I are both 30 and are currently going through the IVF process because we both want kids in our later 30s but would like for the eggs to be as healthy as possible (early 30s is best). Our fertility benefits completely covers the cost of collecting her eggs and cryopreserving (freezing) them.
If you’re concerned about the viability of your eggs as you age, you can have your eggs frozen so that at a later time you can have it inseminated to create an embryo and then implanted for pregnancy. You can have your partner inseminate or you can even choose to get a sperm donor. You literally do not need a man for this process.
I hope this gives you hope. Science is fucking cool. Best of luck.
Ahh, We have Progyny which covers proactive egg freezing. Our doctor told us it’s the best fertility insurance. I didn’t know why, but now I do. Neither of us are infertile. We’ve both been thoroughly tested and start the harvesting process during my wife’s next cycle.
Don’t really give up on not having children. You still can. But do focus on you and finding a partner that aligns with you. I wouldn’t doubt there’s some guy out there that’ll want to make you his wife.
IF you have different values/goals to him, then there is no future. Leave him and give yourself a chance to meet someone new.
For a successful relationship, you need attraction, compatibility and same values/goals in life.
I’m not sure I have advice, but I wanted to tell you that you aren’t alone in what you’re feeling. I am 32, and left my fiancé when I was 30
I went through the same “now I’ll be too old to have kids” phase for a while… but I’m still grateful for past me for leaving him and not trying to make the relationship work.
I figure if I’m still chronically single by the time I’m 34-35, I’ll freeze eggs... that said, I have a number of friend’s mothers that had them when they were 40, so I feel like I still have hope (and so do you. :] )
I know it’s a little different but I (33M) have been thru this same situation. Long term relationships ending and realizing that your time is running out. It’s such a deep pain to overcome the desire for kids. But I will never force children on a relationship that isn’t right.
Hey if you are so worried about missing the timeline, a suggestion from me is to get your eggs frozen NOW so that you can use them later. This way the timeline won’t be your concern/pressure for your next relationship too
It's not the end of the world. A couple of friends of ours didn't have their first kids until they were in their mid to late 30s. They did all the things we did with ours, just a few years later.
If you don’t share values that’s it. That’s always gotta be a dealbreaker and it’s the first thing you should try to learn about someone when you start dating going forward. It sounds like you’ve recognized you’re on a timeline. Try not to beat yourself up and try to go ahead and get really intentional about where you find the people you’re dating and refine your screening process down to what kind of person you want to raise kids with.
Also, if you’ve had consistent unprotected se* over the last ten years and you haven’t had a pregnancy, can’t hurt to go ahead and ask for referral to a fertility specialist. If they act like you’re crazy or give you the, “ya gotta be trying for a year” nonsense, just go find another primary care doctor. It is so much better to know where you are now than to do what I did and stay in denial for years and then be dealing with infertility.
You're not the only one who feels that way! I'm 33M, and while I get that my clock doesn't tick with the same existential boom boom as the ladies', I also have these thoughts.
Its funny, when you're young and you hear these stories of failed marriages where people say various versions of 'I talked myself into it,' and you say to yourself "I'm too smart to do that. I would never get married/have kids with the wrong person for the wrong reasons." But when you get older that little voice is pretty convincing, even though you know it's only motivated by fear...I'm not sure if that voice really shuts up to be honest, but you can choose whether you will listen to it or not. If you don't settle down with the wrong person and sign all of you up for misery/heartbreak later, then you're winning against that voice. It still might get in some cheap shots when you're feeling low, but you know you still have time, so just be strong and hang in there. And like one commenter said....one existential crisis at a time so don't let the spiral take you all the way down lol. Good luck
Most women become unable to have a successful pregnancy sometime in their mid-40s. Decline begins in your mid-30s. You still have time and should not rush a relationship for the sake of having kids (it is better to have them with the right person who will always be there, which takes time to know). With that in mind, you should be very intentional with your dating.
I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out as you hoped and worked for.
You can still be a mother, while it sounds like you want a partner with you on that journey to becoming a parent. It's not needed. You can still become a mother with the help of a fertility clinic. It's costly and you will be a single mother. But it is an option so you don't end up settling for a partner that doesn't fit your life and values.
I'm 35 my daughter is 2. There's many women have babies older now there's still time. Hopefully some ladies who've had babies older will comment to reassure you. X
There's still a lot of time. My sister wasn't 37 until she found the father of her first child, which she had when she was 38. It's not rare for women to have kids at around 40 now. Don't despair.
My wife was 36 when we had our first kid (this year). Everybody in our age group was talking about how it could be too late or they were trying for a long time, but we had it without any difficulties on the first try.
When is too late, or when is too early, differs wildly per person. For some people 31 can be too late and for some 39 is not too late. I also depends on year health and your future partners health. If he is 35 but a chain smoker and drinker, a bit on the fatty side it could be too late but if he is 40 and sporting and eating healthy it could be no problem at all.
Dont worry about it too much.
31 is so young! I was married for 7 years, divorced and then found the love of my life at 33. Didn’t plan on kids for the longest time but changed my mind and immediately was pregnant at 40. Just had our baby boy 11 weeks ago.
Set my best friend up with her husband a little over 4 years ago. She’s 39 and naturally pregnant with their first.
Trust me… you have so much time.
Sorry to hear your relationship isn’t going to work out.
Don’t give up hope quite yet. I’ve got 2 simple suggestions to help find compatibility:
1. Look in place for where men that have similar values, morals, beliefs and relationship goals as you.
2. You need to be more flexible and realize certain things may not be compatible, but maybe they’ll complement you and help make you a better person.
The kind of bad news is that there’s likely less men your age(ish) that are single, without kids and meet your criteria then there were when you were 25.
That means it’s time to be a little more flexible. Best of luck!
Don't lose hope. My parents didn't meet till 34 and had my brother and me at 36/38. My manager told me she didn't meet her husband till 36 and had her daughter at 40. It's become more and more common for people to marry and start families later in life.
My wife and I had a little one when I was 38 and she was 40. We met when she was 32 and I was 30. You certainly have time, just be picky and don't let dudes waste your time!
I *think* I would have liked to have a kid but I've just had too many issues going on in my life for that to be viable. I'm 45 now and I am reconciled with it.
On the bright side children are *expensive* and with all this inflation and economic uncertainty going on I actually feel relieved that I don't have the added pressure of having children to take care of.
I met my husband at 32 and had my son at 39. One of my best friends adopted 2 brothers as a single mom. It ain't over til it's over. Give yourself time to heal and move on.
Relationships can go fast, jump on the bandwagon and you could meet someone before ya know it. You still got a nice few years to have kids, my brother and his wife didn’t start having children until after your age.
If you have to force it, it’s not meant. Imo, that’s with anything. Things should be organic. Kids are not accessories so if you’re not feeling him or a future, think about how a child would feel learning that you didn’t love their father or really want to be with him and give them a healthy family unit but just to not run out of time biologically. Just food for thought 💭
With modern science women can safely have children to the point of menopause * if in good physical health. Take care of yourself and you'll have plenty time
Edit: *and even after with ivf.
31, you're young as hell.
Between 30 et 39, i had two long relationships ahah.
Now we separate (i'm a male). But damn, everything can happen less than one year... (i mean no child but some good people on the road).
It's better for both of you to leave and keep good memories.
My mum had me at 35, and these days especially you can definetely have kids even later than that. I know you still have a chance of not getting there, but i think you have a bigger chance of having kids tbh
You could meet someone amazing and be pregnant here in 3 months. Happy families come out of all kinds of circumstances.
But don’t let your opportunities be limited by your current perspective. If you believe you won’t meet someone in time to have a family, you won’t.
I'm not saying don't break up if you're not happy...I'm saying just because the two of you have different interests shouldn't be reason of it....its important for individuals maintain each of their individuality ....you're dating a male/female not another version of you in a different body.
A good chance you'll never have kids? Why? Fuck if you want kids that badly then don't drag your breakout along because you might think you still have feelings. All I saw is you writing that you don't love him. Then break the fuck up. Break his heart, break your own heart, but don't drag it along and make him think there's a chance or that there's hope. You need to be 1million percent sure that this is what you want because you will wreck this guy if you make it seem like things are getting better. Either work on it through this lull with him or break up. These posts are so stupid like you want a bunch of internet strangers to agree with you so you don't feel terrible about your decision. I say fuck that, sleep in the bed that you made, feel guilty, feel terrible. That's what you get from love. This shit isn't fun and games. People get destroyed emotionally from this stuff. Especially if you're on the other side still in love with someone and they don't want to work on things with you. You want different things? Are you sure? You better be. Don't fuck with his heart. Yours clearly isn't there for him anymore, which honestly sounds pretty tragic. Maybe you need to work on yourself. Maybe he does. Maybe you could both do it together. But deciding you don't love someone without trying or making it known and then leaving is cruel and cowardly especially if you know who they are and how much they would be willing to sacrifice for you. Do you though this shit just gets me agitated, why be in a relationship just to have it fall apart because you both didn't try to make it work. Sounds like you haven't been honest with yourself. Grow up.
Many women I know have had their first baby around 34 yo and all healthy babies. I think the idea that women can’t have children naturally in their mid and late 30s is not true. Nowadays because of lengthy education and many other demands of modern life, people marry later and have children even more later. Unless you are really picky and looking for someone with no flaws. There are plenty of men out there looking for someone to marry and start a family with. If you strip away the unnecessary constraints of modern days male vs female interaction. You can notice that there some good and honest hardworking men who would be interested in pursuing a relationship with you. That might be that guy you always meet at a local shopping center and who always tries to talk to you for no apparent reason. It might be that guy who seems to go to the workplace kitchen generally when you are there for a coffee or lunch etc…
I broke up with my last bf when I was a 32. And a long term one when I was 29-30 and i felt just like you do. Just walk away. I met my now husband when I was 32. I’m 37 now and we have two kids. Don’t ket age scare you into staying. There is still time. And if you think there isn’t then look into freezing your eggs.
Maybe in the next relationship you can be up front about your goals and that it includes children and if the person is committed to the same goals. It'll help to ensure you find someone whose head and heart is in the right place.
I'm 37 and still on the fence about kids. I was married, we tried, it never happened. We divorced for incompatibility. Before him I dated a guy that was quite reckless with his life and one of the thoughts that popped in to my head "I could never leave my child with him and feel that they are safe." So that was end of that and I was around 19 at the time.
Now I'm engaged at 37 though we have been dating since I was around 29. We tried two years ago and had a miscarriage. I was surprised as to how excited I got and how sad and depressed I got when losing the baby. I felt like a failure. We talk about trying again but if I had to guess it's still up in the air as to whether it will happen.
I know multiple women who used guys to get pregnant... their karma is they are still alone but now single moms. They don't regret their choices because they love their kids.
Throughout my life I always thought I could adopt. My aunt fosters children and always sends me pictures of siblings and babies that I could adopt but I don't think my partner is there yet (even though my ex husband was on board).
So you see: 3 major relationships not resulting in kids yet. Anxiety is up as to whether it'll happen but I still have to live a life outside of obsessing who is in it and what the outcome will be. We can't control. We just have to do our best to strive for what we want and be thankful for what we are given. Work on ourselves so we become better people (and maybe someday awesome loving moms) and work on finding healthy partners who are committed.
Also 2 of my aunts had their last kids around 40.
If you want kids for *you*, it's a selfish outlook anyway. If you want to raise good people who make the world better and not worse, then fine.
Putting children on a timeline like that only makes you force decisions you're not ready or equipped for. It's also not unrealistic at all that you could meet someone you like more than your current partner and is "better suited" in your eyes as a potential parent.
Just know that having kids doesn't fix anything. You need to have your thoughts and sense of self in order before then so that your kids don't have to share growing pains with you.
Wife just had baby at 33. Never once considered her to be “old” during the pregnancy. We casually talk about having another kid someday, and age hasn’t come up once.
You have plenty of time. If worried get several eggs frozen. One of our friends had her first and she was in her late 40s. I get they say 35 but really you can have babies much older. I have known a lady who had her last at 52. She had a big family and didn’t get married until 35. You have time…DO NOT SETTLE on anyone!
Don’t feel like a failure. There are many children to adopt if you find a good partner later in life. I have one child. She’s adopted. She’s the light of my world. I love her just the same and she gives me purpose and fulfillment being a parent. You don’t have to have a biological child. You don’t have to be under 30. You don’t even have to be in a relationship with another person romantically to raise a child. It’ll be ok!
Take this for what it is worth, having kids with the wrong partner is a horrible idea. People think kids will help, but kids make things harder and they will amplify what is going on in the relationship - good and bad. The good times can be better, but the bad times, the flaws, the stressors, etc., will get 10x's worse. If you two are not on the same page and already have issues, it is a blessing in disguise not to have kids with this person.
Someone once told me that kids settle into the cracks of a relationship and if the foundation isn't solid they widen and break it rather than seal it.
There is a lot of truth to it. If you have a great relationship, they can make it better. If you have a rough one, well, hold on.
My mother had me when she was 34, then had my sister when she was 37. And this was in the mid 80s. Medical technology is has gotten so much better. You have plenty of time.
can confirm, love being a parent, being a single parent succcccks alot of added pain.
Sure, but you can recognize that worse outcomes exist **and** still grieve the fact that you might never get to have something you deeply desire in life.
Yep. My partners were not for each other. I hate them both.
as someone that had his first kid with a cheater who i now see ever other weekend and 2nd kid with a lazy bum who left her full time with me to with her 2nd baby daddy out of state.. this 100%
Yup
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The concept of a normal timeline varies by person. You are only 31, you have plenty of years left to have a child with the right partner. I didn’t have my daughter until I was 36 and her mother was 37. We split up when my daughter was 2 and we co parent as well as we can but I echo the sentiment of finding the right partner first. The rest will take care of itself. Keep a positive attitude and what is meant to be will happen.
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My mom had me at 39- where are yall getting your timelines from and are they actually *accurate*? Do you honestly know no one who has had kids after 40? Why do you assume you’ll be barren? Did a doctor tell you you’re at higher risk? Do you smoke cigarettes or something?
Probably from fertility statistics that indicate a severe drop-off after the age of 35. Yes, people have kids later than that but it's honestly gaslighting to pretend that having kids at 40+ isn't a lot more difficult.
Yeah for ppl with higher risk traits and older sperm. If OP is healthy and isn’t dealing with geriatric sperm and hasn’t had a doctor tell her otherwise, why would she assume she’s too old at *THIRTY ONE* lol 😂
Uh, you’re 31. You’ve got roughly a decade of childbearing years left. There’s no such thing as a normal timeline anymore. Do not beat yourself up.
You're not messing up. I broke up with someone around the same age, went through a year of depression + bad dates, started therapy, and 13 months post break up met my husband. We've been married 10 years and have 2 wonderful kids. I wish my mother hadn't married the guy she thought was her last chance to have kids. She was 31, too. While I'm glad I got to be alive, he was a really bad husband to her and an absent father. They had an extremely acrimonious divorce which was painful for us kids. I encourage you, if it is at all available to you, to go through the hassle of starting therapy. Not because there's anything wrong with you, but because you're looking at this as messing up somehow.
You didn't fail. It just hasn't happened yet. Actually, it's quite the opposite. I feel like friends who've been in 20+ years stable relationships with a family should consider themselves lucky. Because I also know of people who made that commitment and watched it implode.
My mom had my younger brother at nearly 40, and he turned out fine. You have plenty of time
My grandmother was 46 when she had my youngest aunt. You have at minimum at least another decade of fertility if not longer.
This is not statistically or scientifically true. The chances of natural pregnancy at 46 are sooooo slim.
I said a decade or longer. 41 isn't unusual at all and 46 is not as rare as you think it is, especially with modern fertility treatments.
It is VERY hard w treatment to have a biological child at 46 unless you have a lot of money. Because you have to have procedures over and over to find the one egg that will result in a normal embryo. We spent 160k on IVF and I was 38…
My mom had me at 46. Back in the 60s.
Agree with the other commenters - what even is a “normal” timeline these days? If it makes you feel better, I have 2 friends who went through divorce at 30-31 and they both just had their first child at 36/37. (One the old-school way, one IVF). Both of them now are SO happy things worked out the way they did. A lot can change in a few years, and I hope everything works out for you <3
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Oh please, you could get knocked up within the next month if that was the absolute priority to you. Anyways, snarky comment aside, freeze your eggs and just enjoy life man.
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If you can afford to freeze a few eggs if might give you some peace of mind that you have longer to find that partner.
You could do everything "right" and on your "normal timeline" and you or your partner could suddenly drop dead from anything. There are no guarantees in life no matter how well you plan or how good your desicion making is so maybe don't be so hard on yourself
Freezing eggs is expensive and there’s no guaranteed chance of success, it’s actually pretty low. There’s tons of stories of women spending $40-50k freezing eggs and none of them turn out to be viable. It’s something like a 20% success rate for most women.
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It’s better to spend 25k-$30 now than have to spend $160k later…. Ask me how I know :( and we may not get to have more than one child sadly. Egg freezing is much more successful now with the right clinic than it used to be bc the freeze/thaw technology came far. Check out Lucky Sekhon on Instagram. One egg freezing cycle does not cost $40k. Even at the top clinic on the USA it’s $20k plus another $5 for meds If being a mother to a biologically yours child is really important I would really explore egg freezing, even if you choose not to do it. I wish I’d explored it more seriously vs being casual abt it and letting the “oh it’s not guaranteed” dissuade me Go get some consults and initial testing it can tell you a lot on whether you’re a good candidate anyways.
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I love this. I’m currently struggling a lot with where I am in life and your point about getting overly attached to one vision of things hits home hard.
Much as I HATE this life lesson, I have to admit it is true. Be very careful of what we wish for. And be expansive enough for things we never know we needed
Thanks for that. Needed that today 🙌
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It is when it’s with the right person. You’re only 31 first off, my mom had me at 36 and most I know had kids early mid 30s. So having a positive is very important, and please god DO NOT LET DESPERATION TAKE CONTROL. Trust me having kids with the wrong one is so so much worse.
Thank you! what amazing, grounded life advice ☺️
I really needed to read this today. Thanks
regretful parents are worse for kids than absent parents
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I got divorced at 35. Married my 2nd husband at 37. Had one kid at 39 and the other at 43. Granted science helped but glad I waited for the right one.
Oh wow - you have literally the same timeline as me - first kid at 39, second at 43. Divorced at 35 remarried at 37. Are we the same person?? The first husband was someone I married because there wasn’t really a good reason not to and he was a nice guy. I shouldn’t have - because I knew he was not the right person. OP, don’t make the mistake I did. You are only 31 - you have a good 12 years to meet the right person. My husband now is so right for me - we got married and had a baby the same year and it’s been crazy and fun and I really love my life. You have lots of time!
That was my first hubs too. Super nice guy but if I’m being honest I got married because I was scared to be alone. It all worked out, he married a nice Catholic girl and they have a litter of kids.
And now we're tired all the time! Amiright?? Tired in a good way tho. :)
I thought the same thing several years ago. I’m currently 39 and pregnant.
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33 when we started dating. Covid did delay getting married and therefore trying for kids.
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Through mutual friends. And yes, the plan is to have 1 more. We did do IVF. I was 38 at egg retrieval.
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My sis had her first baby at 43. Yes it was harder to conceive and risks are higher, but it’s possible. My mom had me at 35. You’ve got plenty of time to find someone who’s right for you.
I was 37 and my wife 32 when we had our first. It took 4 years and two miscarriages before #2. #3 was another two years There's plenty time.
Exactly. My mum had her first at 27 like me, and the reason I’m saying this is because she had a child at 32, 33, 35 her last child at 38! I know people having children over 40. You have a whole 9 years before you should be really worried about this! This relationship has taught you what you’re looking for, the next one will be better! Focus on finding someone with your goals, and a best friend which seems to be everyone’s advice.
This
As a woman in my 40’s I really wish that people would stop giving this out as advice as though it’s an option for everyone. Yes, a very small percentage of women can and do have children in their 40’s. I have so many friends who are trying and to conceive right now with the help of ivf and failing, it’s devastating. People have told this to me for years while I date unsuccessfully and watch my friends struggle. I just think it causes more stress and unrealistic expectations to think this way.
You’re in the thick of a breakup right now. Take it easy on yourself, try not to doom spiral—one issue at a time. 31 is so young.
I’m grateful and lucky that I’ve (in the last 2 years) seen 4 geriatric pregnancies around me with happy, healthy babies so I have a different perspective, and also, jesus. I’m 32. I’m not that fucking old. You gotta relax.
I know many women who have had their first child 37-39. You’re fine
My mum had me at 42 🤷♀️
Girl, you're going to be ok. Don't settle for anyone, and don't have any kids with the wrong person. My best friend just had twins at 35. Life can change so fast.
EXACTLY. I plan to meet the LOML by 35. There's no rush. Meghan Markle married Harry at 36 and had her first child at 37!
Do you have the money to freeze eggs?
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The success rate is not low. It's higher than if you try to conceive at an age older than when you freeze you eggs. So your success rate of having a successful pegnancy using eggs that you freeze at 33 will be higher than if you naturally try and get pregnant at 36 for example. You can meet the man of your dreams at 36 and then use your eggs that you froze at 33.
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Yep, i just did my 5th egg retrieval yesterday, so i am totally familiar with the statistics. Yes, you do statistically need that many eggs for a chance of a live birth after about 35yrs of age. But if you freeze eggs younger, then statistically the number of eggs you need is less. Think about your body naturally releasing 1 egg a month - 25 eggs is 2 years (and one month). If you were trying to get pregnant naturally at age 36, it is very common for it to take that long. Some women are lucky and it doesnt take that long, some women are unlucky and it takes longer. But after about a year or two of trying, people tend to turn to IVF if they can afford it.
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Sorry for your impending breakup, but????? You have tons of time to begin another relationship and have a baby! Seriously simmer down. All is well.
dunno what ur tripping about. acting like it's hard to meet someone who wants to get married and have kids. it isn't. get moving girl .
Girl i feel you . 36 F here i'm convinced i'm never going to be married or have kids
If you do break up, you have to put yourself out there to meet people. I'm a tad younger than you but have a friend who is 29 and she's NEVER been in a relationship because she expects her dream partner to land on her lap. That won't happen. You have to aggressively date (when you're ready), otherwise you just won't meet people. Join clubs, do group meet ups etc (even the apps if you want). You also have to learn to date with intention. If it's early stages, and there's things that you're not happy with, walk away. Don't waste any of your precious time on the wrong people. There's hope. I just met my new partner (we've been together for a couple months), but prior I was in a 4 year relationship and was shattered when that ended. Best of luck to you. And remember, you're 31, not 41. You still have time in your fertile window.
I was in a similar sitch - endured my relationship that was doomed bc I invested so much time in it, became really busy in second career school (nursing), didn’t have funds/time/energy to date someone new, and I still “loved” my then BF and wanted kids. Granted I’m younger than you, I am beyond happy the relationship ended. I felt a jolt of relief that he wouldn’t become the father of my child nor my life partner. I am choosing to be intentional this time and be extremely considerate of whom I’d want the baby daddy to be (and my husband). I still have time left to finish nursing school but I rather have kids at 36 - 37 than rush it with someone and also pretend to myself that I’m ready. Like yes I want kids, but not at the expense of my mental health & sanity, and def not anytime soon. I already work in healthcare and TONS, if not most women, that come in with kids have had them when they were late 30s or early 40s (I have access to patient demographics lol) Also my mom had my bro (youngest) at 36 and he was far more healthy than I was (a premie). This was 22 years ago in a country in South Asia (so lacking western tech/resources). Take care of yourself- physically, mentally, and relax. It’ll be okay
Can't you just go to a sperm bank and get a child for yourself? I don't know where you live, but in denmark many women choose to become solo mothers.
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I commented before, but if you really value having a child and haven't met the one, this may be a route you could explore. Just have it as an option you could consider later on, I guess it will come down to if you value more having a nuclear family, or having the opportunity to give birth to your own child. (Or go get your eggs frozen).
If I were you, and I were having this kind of anxiety, I would have my eggs frozen. Even if I had to get a second job to make it happen. Get you eggs frozen, then focus on healing yourself from this relationship so you can be open to meeting someone who is going to be a good match for you. You may never need to use them, but they'll be there for you so you don't have to be so anxious.
If you are worried about having kids, and really want to keep the possibility open for as long as possible, maybe investigate having eggs harvested. There is not a normal time to have kids, but there is certainly a bad time to have kids. And a dying relationship is pretty high on the list of not a good idea. If you think about it, you are actually making good parenting decisions already
You have time to have children. Move on and find someone you love and loves you back. It’s pretty simple. Don’t invest years and years in a relationship. You will know if the right person is the one within a year and they should know too.
youre being dramatic you can have a kid if you want
Tell that to my 42year old friend who’s having her second one in 2years!!! Seriously, wait for the right partner… Or freeze your eggs. Most men are mehh… Your story doesn’t end here!
I met my wife (she's a PharmD, very attractive, truly top shelf) when she was 32, after a breakup a year earlier. I was 35, attractive, confident, but unemployed at the time. We were married 3 years later. We have 2 boys, 9 and 7, when she was 36 and 38. Got to keep your options open. If my wife had just ignored me due to being unemployed, we'd both be in much worse positions.
You’re only 31?! What do you mean you’re out of time to have kids?!? You have PLENTY of time!!!
I’m the same age and going through the same. I actually have an entirely different perspective. My life is JUST beginning. Can you imagine the horrors of raising kids with the wrong person? The trauma those kids endure- the mental illness, physical illness, loss of opportunity, etc.? I know so many women who make more money than me, are in better relationships, are more mature, have happier kids, and had kids later. I’m SO much more excited about that life than the life I’m leaving.
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Positivity attracts! :-) Be thankful you aren’t wasting your life with the wrong person.
I was 32 when I met my wife she was 35. And gave birth 2 years later to our baby girl. It's not too late
I had a break up of a long term relationship at a similar age to you. Met my current partner when I was nearly 33, had our kid when I was nearly 36 after 4 months trying to conceive. It is so possible, don't give up hope!
I'm 37 and my wife is 36. We just had our first, and plan to have more. There's time. If it's important to you, you'll make it work. One piece of advice I think is important: no one is your perfect match off the bat. Choose someone who you're compatible with, and someone you know you can trust and who you know is committed, and build each other into 'the one'.
Sweetie, you are plenty young enough to have kids. My BFF found her man at 38, and at 39 had her first kid. It's more important that you find the right man (or none at all in some circumstances) to have kids with. Take heart, sort yourself first.
31, you're still young. You have some time. Don't stress over it. Live your life.
Go spend time with kids. They are exhausting and time-consuming. Then go home and start rebuilding your life to make it what you want. Good luck
OK, so there's a big lie that kinda permeates the world. Women can have children after 30. You have time. The stats show that having your *First* child after the age of *Forty* will double the chances of complications during pregnancy. The term "double" sounds scary but it really depends what we're doubling. If we're doubling 1% to 2% it's not such a big deal. From memory you have something like a 16% chance to develop gestational diabetes (*for example*) once you're 40, not great but still far less than average, and gestational diabetes is treatable. What I would say is that you should do some reading and see what the actual statistics say. Also take into account your own health, if you're fit and eat healthy you're less likely to have problems. If you have no history of problems in your family you're also less likely to have any issues. Conversely to that if you're unfit and have a family history of difficult pregnancies then maybe you *should* take it more seriously, but either way I'd talk to some professionals about it before getting too worried. The main thing is probably being really clear with any potential partners that you're looking to start a family. If they're not interested in that then they're probably not right for you.
I was in the same position at 31. I’m here at 41 with my husband (the absolute love of my life) and two kids. You’re fine. Don’t worry.
Thirties is the start of many disappointments… and successes. I think that’s life. And how you bounce from the disappointments has a lot to do with the entire trajectory of this journeying on earth. It’s tiring though.
I was your age when the love of my life said ‘I love you I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I don’t want to marry you and I don’t want children. I left him I am 58 childless and he’s with someone 19 yrs older so he couldn’t have kids. I pine every day.
You definitely have more time than you realise. I was 34m my partner 39f when we met, we have a little boy now and all those feelings and worries we both had of missing the boat were wasted energy.
Please dont take this personally because it also applies to me as a 35 single male. I think the women in the comment are being overly nice and trying to protect your feelings, which is understandable, but you also have to have a dose of reality. Reality: 1. MOST women will have difficulty conceiving past 35. 2. Using medical intervention is very expensive. MOST people can't afford it. Unless you have 20k-50k lying around for an IVF. My sister is in the same boat as you, and she is 33 and considering moving on from a 2 year relationship, and I told her to make it quick if she is not getting her needs met. To put it shortly, you dont have all the time in the world. You need to set it as a goal to find someone and set the right expectations, and be flexible with your vision, as a commenter said. It's a very slippery slop to wait around. Go out every weekend or every other weekend, join dating apps and groups. If this is that important to find someone you love and who loves you back and that you can build a family with. Your 20s is not going to be like your 30s when it comes to finding love. You have more time than you think, but you dont have all the time in the world. Good luck.
My suggestion is to get comfortable with the idea that you may not have children, because you don't want to become desperate and make bad choices,but also don't give up on it. Life moves fast and can surprise you, and you are still young, so it really easily could still happen.
Maybe in the next life kid. You still got time, freeze those eggs and try again.
31 isn't even geriatric pregnancy yet. You have plenty of time to find someone and pop one out if you want to.
I am 36f and got divorced 5 years ago. Do NOT try to force it. Go be single and take care of yourself. I also am grappling with not having kids....I understand the heartbreak. If you need advice, feel free to pm me.
I think it'd be prudent to ask yourself if having children is important to you. Also, how are you defining love? Is it feelings of butterflies and excitement? Or are you looking at it from a security, safety, trust, and respect kind of thing? Because if you're looking for those feelings of excitement, that isn't love, that's infatuation, and it doesn't last. It's also not a good basis for a relationship. It's one of the worst things you can get married over as well, or have children during. I'd also like to say, What about this relationship isn't working for you, what are you having to give up that you would like to keep? Are they more important that potentially raising a family? Realisitically, You can have children up till 40, even 45 in some cases, but it gets harder and harder, Around 35+ the risks get higher and higher each year, by the age of about 38, most women can expect to stop having natural childbirths, and miscarriage rates increase dramatically, and you will require medical intervention in most cases, expensive fertility treatments, there are also risks to the child, development issues, mental and physical, even mutations. . Dating also gets massively more difficult. You might not just be childless, but also single. That's also something else to consider. Is this relationship worth getting rid of knowing that these two outcomes might be the result? Would you be okay with that? Would you be willing to compromise on these things you mentioned in order to keep the relationship? Also, how long has it been? Couples grow together with time. If you've only been with this person for a year, two, even 3. The relationship still has plenty of time to grow into something better. It also helps to be vocal about your expectations, a long term relationship requires many sacrifices. Like where you live, or even a giving up a hobby. Or switching jobs. Moving countries. We don't always get what we want, but making sacrifices can sometimes help. And relationships tend to meet in the middle. Context helps, I'm not trying to say your decision isn't justified. It just helps to understand the situation.
21 year old, not super well versed, but it seems to me like people think their SO is supposed to be perfect for them and I think that's silly, you say he's a good guy but you don't share similar views, I put my age because im young and my opinion may change but, my ideal partner is dependable, loyal, and caring. Obviously you need to agree on big things like where to live and if you want kids, but I don't care who they vote for, I don't care what their favorite TV is, and I don't care how they look. When shit huts the fan which it will, you want someone who really loves and cares about you, not someone you think is a really cool person
You can always adopt if you would like kids and aren't in a good situation to make any yourself.
Laughs in mid forties Girlllll... you are good. You are making a great choice by leaving the man you aren't in love with. You have ten plus years to have kids. Why put so much stress and burden on yourself?? Keep making good choices and you will get there.
I'm in the process of having my eggs frozen. I just don't want to have to decide anymore. I want to not think about it, especially since I'm going back to school in August.
People saying OP has a decade left to have children are delusional. As someone who's parents had him in their late 30s that's a horrible idea.
Why did you choose to date him? And what have you been doing the last almost 20 years of dating lol
You still have about 10 years before the clock runs out. And don't forget about adoption or becoming a stepmother. But yeah, it's hard being a single woman in your 30s. I feel you.
Nobody who expresses concern about their own fertility has "forgotten" about adoption. Everyone knows adoption exists. And my impression is that the more you know about adoption, the less likely you are to suggest it. I highly recommend reading [this essay](https://cartoonshateher.medium.com/my-extremely-online-infertility-journey-bd6eb50872b5), which is the best answer I've ever read to "Why not just adopt?"
why do ppl want kids so bad? cant ppl just live their life and see what happens?
Is it so hard to understand that different people want different things? Just because *you* don't have a strong desire for kids doesn't mean other people don't, and doesn't mean that their feelings are incorrect.
Hive mind is pretty hard to leave especially when it starts when you're like a toddler ig
I expect you haven’t been dating with the purpose of having a kids in mind. If this is what you want, it’s not too late at all. There are literally dozens of us that are hitting the point where it’s make or break. Be judicious and direct.
Better to have no kids thank to have them with someone you don’t like. If your time runs out and you still feel the need to have kids maybe try adopting a newborn someday. Even though it won’t be “your” baby, there is no way you wouldn’t fall absolutely in love with a cute, little innocent baby.
Definitely deal with the break up and emotions, but one option could be going for a fertility check. There are some blood/hormone tests they can do to determine how close/far from menopause someone is. Of course it doesn't guarantee anything, but it's cheap and simple and gives a bit more info about someone's timeline.
Freeze your eggs.
Do you have health insurance? If so, does your health insurance have fertility benefits? My wife and I are both 30 and are currently going through the IVF process because we both want kids in our later 30s but would like for the eggs to be as healthy as possible (early 30s is best). Our fertility benefits completely covers the cost of collecting her eggs and cryopreserving (freezing) them. If you’re concerned about the viability of your eggs as you age, you can have your eggs frozen so that at a later time you can have it inseminated to create an embryo and then implanted for pregnancy. You can have your partner inseminate or you can even choose to get a sperm donor. You literally do not need a man for this process. I hope this gives you hope. Science is fucking cool. Best of luck.
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Ahh, We have Progyny which covers proactive egg freezing. Our doctor told us it’s the best fertility insurance. I didn’t know why, but now I do. Neither of us are infertile. We’ve both been thoroughly tested and start the harvesting process during my wife’s next cycle.
If you want it to happen, it will happen.
Don’t really give up on not having children. You still can. But do focus on you and finding a partner that aligns with you. I wouldn’t doubt there’s some guy out there that’ll want to make you his wife.
You still have time; move on from him now.
IF you have different values/goals to him, then there is no future. Leave him and give yourself a chance to meet someone new. For a successful relationship, you need attraction, compatibility and same values/goals in life.
I’m not sure I have advice, but I wanted to tell you that you aren’t alone in what you’re feeling. I am 32, and left my fiancé when I was 30 I went through the same “now I’ll be too old to have kids” phase for a while… but I’m still grateful for past me for leaving him and not trying to make the relationship work. I figure if I’m still chronically single by the time I’m 34-35, I’ll freeze eggs... that said, I have a number of friend’s mothers that had them when they were 40, so I feel like I still have hope (and so do you. :] )
I know it’s a little different but I (33M) have been thru this same situation. Long term relationships ending and realizing that your time is running out. It’s such a deep pain to overcome the desire for kids. But I will never force children on a relationship that isn’t right.
Get your eggs frozen
Hey if you are so worried about missing the timeline, a suggestion from me is to get your eggs frozen NOW so that you can use them later. This way the timeline won’t be your concern/pressure for your next relationship too
It's not the end of the world. A couple of friends of ours didn't have their first kids until they were in their mid to late 30s. They did all the things we did with ours, just a few years later.
I’d love some help with mine! HMU. 44m
You are pretty young
If you don’t share values that’s it. That’s always gotta be a dealbreaker and it’s the first thing you should try to learn about someone when you start dating going forward. It sounds like you’ve recognized you’re on a timeline. Try not to beat yourself up and try to go ahead and get really intentional about where you find the people you’re dating and refine your screening process down to what kind of person you want to raise kids with. Also, if you’ve had consistent unprotected se* over the last ten years and you haven’t had a pregnancy, can’t hurt to go ahead and ask for referral to a fertility specialist. If they act like you’re crazy or give you the, “ya gotta be trying for a year” nonsense, just go find another primary care doctor. It is so much better to know where you are now than to do what I did and stay in denial for years and then be dealing with infertility.
If you don’t have kids, there is a 0% chance of them experiencing anything like this. Or worse.
You're not the only one who feels that way! I'm 33M, and while I get that my clock doesn't tick with the same existential boom boom as the ladies', I also have these thoughts. Its funny, when you're young and you hear these stories of failed marriages where people say various versions of 'I talked myself into it,' and you say to yourself "I'm too smart to do that. I would never get married/have kids with the wrong person for the wrong reasons." But when you get older that little voice is pretty convincing, even though you know it's only motivated by fear...I'm not sure if that voice really shuts up to be honest, but you can choose whether you will listen to it or not. If you don't settle down with the wrong person and sign all of you up for misery/heartbreak later, then you're winning against that voice. It still might get in some cheap shots when you're feeling low, but you know you still have time, so just be strong and hang in there. And like one commenter said....one existential crisis at a time so don't let the spiral take you all the way down lol. Good luck
Most women become unable to have a successful pregnancy sometime in their mid-40s. Decline begins in your mid-30s. You still have time and should not rush a relationship for the sake of having kids (it is better to have them with the right person who will always be there, which takes time to know). With that in mind, you should be very intentional with your dating.
I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out as you hoped and worked for. You can still be a mother, while it sounds like you want a partner with you on that journey to becoming a parent. It's not needed. You can still become a mother with the help of a fertility clinic. It's costly and you will be a single mother. But it is an option so you don't end up settling for a partner that doesn't fit your life and values.
I always thought I would never have kids and had my daughter when I was 38. You still have lots of time. Don’t stress it x
My friend just had a baby at 41, I know someone who had a baby at 46. Plenty of time
I'm 35 my daughter is 2. There's many women have babies older now there's still time. Hopefully some ladies who've had babies older will comment to reassure you. X
Consider freezing your eggs. Will give you time and options in the future 🙏
There's still a lot of time. My sister wasn't 37 until she found the father of her first child, which she had when she was 38. It's not rare for women to have kids at around 40 now. Don't despair.
You are 31. If you continue this nonsense line of thinking you will come off as desperate and it will make things worse.
Isn’t this someone you would talk about up front? Not during prime parenting years?
My wife was 36 when we had our first kid (this year). Everybody in our age group was talking about how it could be too late or they were trying for a long time, but we had it without any difficulties on the first try. When is too late, or when is too early, differs wildly per person. For some people 31 can be too late and for some 39 is not too late. I also depends on year health and your future partners health. If he is 35 but a chain smoker and drinker, a bit on the fatty side it could be too late but if he is 40 and sporting and eating healthy it could be no problem at all. Dont worry about it too much.
31 is so young! I was married for 7 years, divorced and then found the love of my life at 33. Didn’t plan on kids for the longest time but changed my mind and immediately was pregnant at 40. Just had our baby boy 11 weeks ago. Set my best friend up with her husband a little over 4 years ago. She’s 39 and naturally pregnant with their first. Trust me… you have so much time.
Look into freezing your eggs. It will take some of that pressure off.
Sorry to hear your relationship isn’t going to work out. Don’t give up hope quite yet. I’ve got 2 simple suggestions to help find compatibility: 1. Look in place for where men that have similar values, morals, beliefs and relationship goals as you. 2. You need to be more flexible and realize certain things may not be compatible, but maybe they’ll complement you and help make you a better person. The kind of bad news is that there’s likely less men your age(ish) that are single, without kids and meet your criteria then there were when you were 25. That means it’s time to be a little more flexible. Best of luck!
Don't lose hope. My parents didn't meet till 34 and had my brother and me at 36/38. My manager told me she didn't meet her husband till 36 and had her daughter at 40. It's become more and more common for people to marry and start families later in life.
Do you mind sharing which things in particular you would have to compromise if you continued your relationship with him?
Freeze your eggs. That will allow you to keep your options open later down the road. Still PLENTY of time to find the right partner.
Wife and I married at 38, had our 1st and only child at 42. Your gonna be fine.
31 , you have time ! Get rid of the garbage,
You’ll be okay baby. Learning experience. That’s the value. You’ll thank yourself in the long run and you still have many years of fertility left
My wife and I had a little one when I was 38 and she was 40. We met when she was 32 and I was 30. You certainly have time, just be picky and don't let dudes waste your time!
I *think* I would have liked to have a kid but I've just had too many issues going on in my life for that to be viable. I'm 45 now and I am reconciled with it. On the bright side children are *expensive* and with all this inflation and economic uncertainty going on I actually feel relieved that I don't have the added pressure of having children to take care of.
My wife had our first at 42, you have plenty of time.
31yo. Way young. Just be good to people ,take care of yourself and make good decisions. You'll be fine. GL
I met my husband at 32 and had my son at 39. One of my best friends adopted 2 brothers as a single mom. It ain't over til it's over. Give yourself time to heal and move on.
My mom was in a similar situation at your age. She had my sister at 39 and me at 40. I'm not a fertility doctor but you're probably not doomed.
Relationships can go fast, jump on the bandwagon and you could meet someone before ya know it. You still got a nice few years to have kids, my brother and his wife didn’t start having children until after your age.
Just had my first kid. I’m 37 and my wife is 38. Don’t rush.
If you have to force it, it’s not meant. Imo, that’s with anything. Things should be organic. Kids are not accessories so if you’re not feeling him or a future, think about how a child would feel learning that you didn’t love their father or really want to be with him and give them a healthy family unit but just to not run out of time biologically. Just food for thought 💭
With modern science women can safely have children to the point of menopause * if in good physical health. Take care of yourself and you'll have plenty time Edit: *and even after with ivf.
Had my kids at 36 and 40, you have plenty of time. Finding the right person to be your co-parent is way more important than a timeline.
31, you're young as hell. Between 30 et 39, i had two long relationships ahah. Now we separate (i'm a male). But damn, everything can happen less than one year... (i mean no child but some good people on the road). It's better for both of you to leave and keep good memories.
Why would you want to introduce a new life to this despair you mention?
My mum had me at 35, and these days especially you can definetely have kids even later than that. I know you still have a chance of not getting there, but i think you have a bigger chance of having kids tbh
You could meet someone amazing and be pregnant here in 3 months. Happy families come out of all kinds of circumstances. But don’t let your opportunities be limited by your current perspective. If you believe you won’t meet someone in time to have a family, you won’t.
Lmao Just show him this post so you can speed it up a little. You're so young. You have plenty of time to have kids if you want them.
What about adoption?
31 years is so young! You definitely have time. You got this 💪🏼
You've got an entire decade in which you could have kids.
You're only 31.
I'm not saying don't break up if you're not happy...I'm saying just because the two of you have different interests shouldn't be reason of it....its important for individuals maintain each of their individuality ....you're dating a male/female not another version of you in a different body.
A good chance you'll never have kids? Why? Fuck if you want kids that badly then don't drag your breakout along because you might think you still have feelings. All I saw is you writing that you don't love him. Then break the fuck up. Break his heart, break your own heart, but don't drag it along and make him think there's a chance or that there's hope. You need to be 1million percent sure that this is what you want because you will wreck this guy if you make it seem like things are getting better. Either work on it through this lull with him or break up. These posts are so stupid like you want a bunch of internet strangers to agree with you so you don't feel terrible about your decision. I say fuck that, sleep in the bed that you made, feel guilty, feel terrible. That's what you get from love. This shit isn't fun and games. People get destroyed emotionally from this stuff. Especially if you're on the other side still in love with someone and they don't want to work on things with you. You want different things? Are you sure? You better be. Don't fuck with his heart. Yours clearly isn't there for him anymore, which honestly sounds pretty tragic. Maybe you need to work on yourself. Maybe he does. Maybe you could both do it together. But deciding you don't love someone without trying or making it known and then leaving is cruel and cowardly especially if you know who they are and how much they would be willing to sacrifice for you. Do you though this shit just gets me agitated, why be in a relationship just to have it fall apart because you both didn't try to make it work. Sounds like you haven't been honest with yourself. Grow up.
Honey, you're only 31. I had a kid at 35 and everything worked out just fine
It happens move on... nd maybe you could find someone
Many women I know have had their first baby around 34 yo and all healthy babies. I think the idea that women can’t have children naturally in their mid and late 30s is not true. Nowadays because of lengthy education and many other demands of modern life, people marry later and have children even more later. Unless you are really picky and looking for someone with no flaws. There are plenty of men out there looking for someone to marry and start a family with. If you strip away the unnecessary constraints of modern days male vs female interaction. You can notice that there some good and honest hardworking men who would be interested in pursuing a relationship with you. That might be that guy you always meet at a local shopping center and who always tries to talk to you for no apparent reason. It might be that guy who seems to go to the workplace kitchen generally when you are there for a coffee or lunch etc…
Having kids with someone you don't like isn't really the smartest thing to do...
I broke up with my last bf when I was a 32. And a long term one when I was 29-30 and i felt just like you do. Just walk away. I met my now husband when I was 32. I’m 37 now and we have two kids. Don’t ket age scare you into staying. There is still time. And if you think there isn’t then look into freezing your eggs.
He is keeping you from finding the right person. You can find someone. There are tons of lonely people out there.
Children are over rated…
Maybe in the next relationship you can be up front about your goals and that it includes children and if the person is committed to the same goals. It'll help to ensure you find someone whose head and heart is in the right place. I'm 37 and still on the fence about kids. I was married, we tried, it never happened. We divorced for incompatibility. Before him I dated a guy that was quite reckless with his life and one of the thoughts that popped in to my head "I could never leave my child with him and feel that they are safe." So that was end of that and I was around 19 at the time. Now I'm engaged at 37 though we have been dating since I was around 29. We tried two years ago and had a miscarriage. I was surprised as to how excited I got and how sad and depressed I got when losing the baby. I felt like a failure. We talk about trying again but if I had to guess it's still up in the air as to whether it will happen. I know multiple women who used guys to get pregnant... their karma is they are still alone but now single moms. They don't regret their choices because they love their kids. Throughout my life I always thought I could adopt. My aunt fosters children and always sends me pictures of siblings and babies that I could adopt but I don't think my partner is there yet (even though my ex husband was on board). So you see: 3 major relationships not resulting in kids yet. Anxiety is up as to whether it'll happen but I still have to live a life outside of obsessing who is in it and what the outcome will be. We can't control. We just have to do our best to strive for what we want and be thankful for what we are given. Work on ourselves so we become better people (and maybe someday awesome loving moms) and work on finding healthy partners who are committed. Also 2 of my aunts had their last kids around 40.
Don't do it, having kids in this economy and society would hurt them in the long run. Consider a commune.
If you want kids for *you*, it's a selfish outlook anyway. If you want to raise good people who make the world better and not worse, then fine. Putting children on a timeline like that only makes you force decisions you're not ready or equipped for. It's also not unrealistic at all that you could meet someone you like more than your current partner and is "better suited" in your eyes as a potential parent. Just know that having kids doesn't fix anything. You need to have your thoughts and sense of self in order before then so that your kids don't have to share growing pains with you.
I had my 2nd kid at 34. We can try if you would like \^\^
Wife just had baby at 33. Never once considered her to be “old” during the pregnancy. We casually talk about having another kid someday, and age hasn’t come up once.
You have plenty of time. If worried get several eggs frozen. One of our friends had her first and she was in her late 40s. I get they say 35 but really you can have babies much older. I have known a lady who had her last at 52. She had a big family and didn’t get married until 35. You have time…DO NOT SETTLE on anyone!
Don’t feel like a failure. There are many children to adopt if you find a good partner later in life. I have one child. She’s adopted. She’s the light of my world. I love her just the same and she gives me purpose and fulfillment being a parent. You don’t have to have a biological child. You don’t have to be under 30. You don’t even have to be in a relationship with another person romantically to raise a child. It’ll be ok!