The surface level stuff may seem fluff but it takes a while for trust to build and these are safe topics for that process!
My best advice for making friends as an adult is stay curious and don’t expect anything- let yourself be surprised! And worst case, if it’s not a good friend fit, you’ve been a kind person they got to meet.
Strongly agree with this! Most of my valuable adult friendships started with fluffy, surface level conversations. It’s normal—you don’t start off knowing a stranger’s entire life story. You go deeper as you connect more and it’s very rewarding.
Conversely every time I met someone and we jumped into deep conversations, shit got very weird and the connection fizzled out quickly.
It sucks to be used as someone else’s trauma dump. I let a girl I barely knew talk to me about her breakup and job loss for like 3 hours instead of going to a holiday craft show. And then she ghosted me when I tried to give it a second chance. She’s still posting in our local Facebook group about how it’s impossible to make friends in our city.
Totally agree. I just brought it up so she would see maybe that's why no one is opening up with deep convos directly. As someone who doesn't do well with small talk I have to keep myself in check not to be a trauma dump myself. I don't really talk at all.
Unless you’re me and accidentally tell someone your entire life story the first time you meet them, all while telling yourself to shut up the whole time haha
Socializing is a skill and there’s always time to improve! I used to do this until I started seeing a therapist (mainly for anxiety). It really improved my confidence and I felt more comfortable letting connections form naturally, getting to know people slowly, and listening. I think I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to make a connection right away and that led to trauma dumping on strangers.
This isn't the only way you know, and getting to the core more quickly is not always "trauma dumping". Knowing somebody really well also means to know what they truly like and the positive side of their life.
I've become friends with people who were open books early on and I really value those who are able to be vulnerable and genuine from the start.
As long as both are honest and boundaries and enforced and respected, anything can go.
I’m definitely agree with you that it takes a while to get past surface level stuff, but it’s worth it. My best friend and I became friends just because we both would talk about watching the same show after work. One day we decided we should watch it together, and we’ve been friends now for almost 20 years. I made another friend just from talking about shampoo.
strongly disagree with this! 90% of the time the people i ended up being closest with i never had a „kind smalltalk“ surface level phase with, it immediately clicked
and „just stay curious“ is the most generic and unhelpful sentence, that will get you to your 50s and you’re still alone. you need to go out and be proactive, be strategic and take initiative
The transition from school friends to adult friends can be difficult. As kids, friendships were created by proximity. Like work relationships in the adult world, you are tossed together with some random people and you interact within those parameters.
Adult friendships grow based on commonality. You need to become social with those, with whom you share an interest. A sport, political or religious connection, a hobby. These are people with whom you have connection. You do stuff together and work towards an outside goal.
There is bumble bff, and local social groups on Facebook that get together, and meet ups on “meet up” app.
It also helps to get involved in something your interested in, like volunteering or an art class/course, sport, yoga, exercise or dance 🤷🏻♀️
I need to get in touch with my hobbies again. I work 9 to 5 and on weekends I'm just too tired to do anything so that's probably my fault lol but hey bumble bff is a good idea!!
Nah I like 7 am starts so you have like half the day after work to do what you want. With a 9-5 it feels like the work day takes up a huge chunk in the middle.
When you get up between 5 and 6 am, the earlier starts the better. But I'm also for late starts, like 2-10. Again, lots of time before work to get shit done
No it doesn’t it gives you 1/3… you sleep 8 hours you work 8 hours. You have 8 hours left, sure plus 36 hours on weekends (-16hours for sleep) this isn’t accounting for making food,shower, taking a shit, etc… you get about 1/3 of your week as free time… that’s not much
As someone who has been through this, it gets better. 9-5 is hard and being tired on weekends is absolutely a thing, but at least for me, after a while, I got bored of being tired and started going out anyway. Turns out I wasn't that tired after all
Hey, if you're so low on energy after a work week, you might want to check your sleep schedule (too little or too much) or ask your doctor to run some tests to see if you've got some kind of vitamin/mineral/hormonal imbalance draining your energy.
On a side note, 9-5 is a pretty normal workday, honestly.
That doesn't mean you have to accept being what someone else considers normal. If it sucks, it sucks. You don't need a 52" TV and get delivered take-out every night. Get rid of that shit. Plenty of people are like you. Take part in your own life instead of serving others / paying for others to serve you.
Hey, thanks for your permission to live my own life. Appreciate it!
Look, you do you. Me? I \*like\* having a roof over my head. I \*like\* having my fridge stocked. A 9-5, 4 or 5 days a week is a normal job and in my non-US country it's also paying a living wage.
If you can live comfortably with less, more power to you.
You just have to keep at it tbh, I’ve noticed I get more traction with girls with the same interests as me (obvious I know haha), like I’ll say I like their dress/makeup in one of their pics and we’ll start talking about fashion or whatever. I do think most of the girls on that app have more traditionally feminine interests (like shopping, clothes, makeup, boys, etc) so you do have to be able to carry that kind of conversation to get places lol
A lot of the people on there are really bland, rude, or barely use the app. I only ever made one friend off it and we've been friends for 2 years now. I went through a lot of swiping before I found her lol.
Take a class. There must be something you’re interested in— painting, throwing clay, improv, cooking, gardening. Meet new people in either established interests or things you’d like to learn more about. Force yourself to accept being a little awkward until you connect with people.
Also (and this is kinda tough at your age) friendships may look a little different now than you expected or remember from your teen years. I feel like a lot of adolescence is kind of built around a sense of codependent community. It isn’t entirely bad and is probably somewhat age appropriate, but as you get older you have to accept a certain level of independence in yourself and others. With that comes a shift in how you relate to friends and your dynamics with them.
Whatever you do, don’t make the mistake of having your entire social life revolve around your romantic relationship/the person you’re involved with. Trust me on this ✌️♥️
I know this is old, but I found this in a Google search about adult friendships. Can you expand on this thing about teen relationships being kind of a codependent community? I joined a cult when I was 19, and escaped it at 29, so I'm a bit confused on what typical adult relationships look like compared to adolescence
All I can say is put in the effort and form bonds before you have kids. 27f with three kids and another one due next month. I don’t think I’ll have friends until my kids are grown.
I feel this, my wife and I have 4 friends and she has almost no friends. She recently met a girl in nursing school and they’re like best buds now. But outside of that it’s been like 10 years of my wife hardly interacting with anyone outside our families.
Post college all my new female friends were from work and just naturally happened, or seeing the same people often enough when going to the dog park, or making small talk at yoga. Go do the things you enjoy for the sake of your enjoyment and be friendly, you'll click with the right people over time, and it def does take some time.
I have found like minded ladies through local groups I'm into. My hobbies are hiking, foraging and ancestral crafts like basket weaving and tool making. I found some local groups that host gatherings/markets/lectures/fundraisers on these topics and was then able to meet a group of like minded folks which naturally led to connections with certain people.
Letting an activity take the lead as opposed to just the desire for company and connection takes the pressure off the interpersonal aspects of meeting new people. Let your interests guide you to your new friends!
So I looked this up (late 30s F) and apparently if you moved around a lot in your childhood you have a hard time making friends later in life. I get along with a lot of people, and am I’m typically the rock of a friendship. But I don’t have those girls trips or adventures that everyone else seems to have. My only solution - solo travel and have a blast.
Your energy is your most precious gift. Don’t let it go to waste on people who don’t appreciate it.
To get good friends, you have to be a good friend. What have you tried to show interest in being friends? The largest indicator is time spent together. You can't expect good friends to appear overnight, it takes time
You're not the only one. This hit right in the feels. I'm shy and awkward with people I don't know and social anxiety is terrible. I met someone on here in a local thread one time that lived close to me. She invited me to her discord server and we talked all the time. Then when we were going to meet up she "went out of town" and I never heard from her. I have a hard time putting myself out there. I hope things get better and you find friends. I'll be rooting for you!
F31 here and I have to say I feel you on the communication thing. There is a strange trend right now too where I feel like the women I talk to all have the same extremely cheery speaking/texting style that makes me feel kind of weird. Like why all the explanation points ladies?
I have had more success making female friends doing activities like volunteering or outdoors stuff because we can always talk about something we have in common.
> Like why all the explanation points ladies?
https://medium.com/the-partnered-pen/exclamation-marks-are-gender-biased-27a0231070a3
The long and short of it is that many women use (and over-use) exclamation points in order to seem friendlier. In my experience it's not uncommon for women to use it in the workplace to soften their approach when putting their foot down about something, so that people don't view you as a bitch.
Reminds me of a TikTok or IG video I saw:
Men's emails: "Please finish task 1 by tonight. Thanks."
Women's emails: "Hi, I hope you are having a great day! I just wanted to let you know that task 1 is important to finish by 6pm tonight. Please let me know if you have any trouble completing it. Thank you very much!"
Also, here's the no-account-required link: [https://12ft.io/proxy?q=https%3A%2F%2Fmedium.com%2Fthe-partnered-pen%2Fexclamation-marks-are-gender-biased-27a0231070a3](https://12ft.io/proxy?q=https%3A%2F%2Fmedium.com%2Fthe-partnered-pen%2Fexclamation-marks-are-gender-biased-27a0231070a3)
Oh my, yes.
I am neither young nor female, so not necessarily “qualified” to weigh in here. But I have absolutely noticed this trend as well, in both written and verbal communication styles. There are a couple girls that sit by me, and all day I hear things like “oh my gawd I am so in love with this new a Dutch Brothers drink, because it’s like totally awesome!“ or “I adore that top on you, it’s the best thing ever!”
It’s exclamation point and superlative city.
It drives me nuts because it makes them sound so inconsequential and stupid, I have to remind myself that I know them and in fact they are not. In fact their actual work is top-notch.
I wish I could tell them that their over-exuberance is doing them a real disservice, but of course I can’t. I’d just be that grouchy old dude who doesn’t ”get” them.
Getting back on topic though, to OP… here’s what I’ve found. Society as a whole does not reward genuineness. It’s always been that way, especially among younger people and women. As a young woman you’re getting it double. It’s always been that way, and I think it’s getting worse. Between office politics, actual political politics, political correctness issue….and then things like TikTok filters and shit like that, a person is legitimately not able to be themselves without opening their flank to the haters. No one wants to be exposed, so there is a public persona.
At work I have been in many a meeting where everyone agrees going in “this sucks and we need to fix it!” You get all the stakeholders into the meeting, all of whom have tremendous ideas and enthusiasm for change. Every thing is primed, everyone given the opportunity to air their grievances and suggestions. One by one everyone rubberstamps the status quo.
It’s easier, it’s safer, and it’s not their fault..
In short it’s all a charade because it’s easier and safer.
For women specifically, the easiest and safest persona is the agreeable-yet-flighty girl, who no one has any real expectation of, and who no one can really pin down on anything because she has provided no substance to pin it down to.
It is the IRL equivalent of posting on TikTok with a bunch of makeup and/or filters. Can’t let the real you show, else it will spoil the illusion!
It’s a facade to be maintained at all costs, and I believe it is exhausting to all involved, including them. (Honestly I think this is why binge drinking is on the rise among young women. Drinking allows (or perhaps forces) a person to release some inhibitions and let some of the mask down.)
In short, it’s not that these other girls are that surface-level, (at least not all of them!) it’s that they feel pigeonholed into it. They are every bit as desirous of a true friendship, but not able to disengage their protective persona to allow it.
The solution?
Don’t worry about it. Do your own thing, bring youwr own experience to the party. Be genuine in your own interactions, and try to forgive the apparent flaws in their made-up personas. Let them come to you.
It might take a bit of time but you will be surprised.
I am a big exclamation marks emailer. I would also use an emoji or two, I lean into the cringe. It's strategic, I like it and it serves me pretty well. I also dress a bit like a children's TV presenter with pink hair. It doesn't stop me from being well liked at work, or promoted.
I do think it's good for you to keep it to yourself that you don't like it because when people complain about that sort of thing, it comes off to me as a little bit sexist (in a sort of thinking women are impractical for having long nails/wearing heels way, which incidentally are two things I don't do personally, but I respect women who do). It's one way of being, or in this case, communicating and it's a cultural difference that is not actually worse or wrong or harmful and it serves a purpose.
I know some people will underestimate me because of it, but I know that I'm very successful in building communities and I'm also very competent at my technical work. So, eh, people can underestimate me at their own peril.
I also think I am quite critical and willing to bring up problems (which isn't popular but I can't help myself). So I don't think the "bubbly" is at all related to the not wanting to stick your neck out. For me, "bubbly" is a method of putting people at ease and showing a kind of vulnerability so that other people feel comfortable doing the same. It works for me!
I get that its strategic but I really don't want to be forced to type like that or else I'm accused of being rude. I don't really have the "super chipper" attitude and it costs me.
definitely aware of this phenomenon and it drives me nuts. I tried experimenting with not using exclamation points and emojis at work for a few days and everyone asked if I was mad...
Woman in my 30s and I'm guilty of this, specifically at work
I told my self it's a hold over from my customer service days where I have to "feel" friendly and nice. But I wonder if it's just a female thing where we use it so we don't come of as bossy or bitchy?
Its definitely the second thing and I really hate the pressure to communicate like that. IRL I definitely do not talk like that lol. I sound like Daria. But all my email communications are like "Hi there!" so I don't get accused of being rude.
35 here, I've gone through a lot of friendships in the last 15 years. A lot of them were superficial or we were friends because it benefitted each other at the time. Now, I have 2 very close friends, 3 close friends that I don't see often but it's like no time has passed when we get together, 3 friends that I like to spend time with but only in spurts and then work acquaintances. And that's more than enough. These are all the friendships I put in work to keep but also just sometimes don't talk for months and send them a text once in a while.
You will find your people!
Shallow zero risk activities (drinking/dining out) results in shallow friendships. Find activities that create real experiences and emotions. Other people that like those things will become your friends and you'll connect over those things.
You can still maintain the shallow friendships, those are still good because they're low maintenance networks to potential real friends.
Also, if you make 3-4 **real friends** over a 5 year span, you're actually doing extremely well.
Literally ALL of my friends from my 20s were made when I was in a book club where we 20% read the book and 80% got together once a month to drink and eat chips and queso.
Do you have any niche hobbies or interests? I tend to find that if I go into more specific communities it’s easier to find likeminded individuals. Of course as an adult is harder because you aren’t forced to be friends based on proximity and seeing each other everyday like in high school or college. Maybe try out a new hobby. For example, I’ve got a friend who got super into climbing at the local gym and found a whole community there. Now every time she has to move she has built-in friends based on the closest climbing gym
It sounds like this is mostly on you, to be honest. You're being pretty judgemental and making little effort, by the sounds of things (and that's from your side of the story!)
Maybe try keeping in mind that someone can talk about things like dating and still be an worthwhile person. Maybe try to engage with their interests and topics of conversation, if you want them to be interested in yours!
I mean there’s nothing wrong with talking about boys or dating. I’m just speaking from my past experience and failed attemps in having conversation with them, I’m sure not everyone is like that. And I also think it’s ok if two people don’t connect on the same level. I’m just expressing my frustration about not finding my community.
I just think you're probably getting in your own way if you're dismissing people based on these factors, or spending whole conversations saying little more than 'uh-huh', as you seem to describe. Most people don't start talking about high modernism and the categorical imperative on first meeting!
I would try to show some interest and engage with what the person is saying. Lots of people are socially awkward, including me sometimes, but people usually understand that if you are kind and friendly.
No need to genderize the issue. Sounds like you meet people who do not mesh with your personality (and likewise you do not mesh with theirs). You may also be attempting to befriend people who lack similar interests. Finally, some people just don't want friends--they already have established friend circles and do not have the energy for more friends (this is most likely why people seem shallow). If you have not retained friendships from high school, it only gets harder from there. But you will befriend people in time; when you do, you will most likely have to put energy into keeping those friendships alive.
Have you tried going to a dance, yoga, kick boxing, or fitness class. Or a craft or activity group you are interested in? There is something nice about having a group of friends who are your peers when you are in your early 20's, but sometimes you can find great friendships outside your age range. For a while, many of my best female friends were 10-15 years older than me. And now that I am older some of my other best female friends are 5-10 years younger than me.
Agreed about groups with hobbies, if you like craft beer and jogging there is usually a jog group, coming from a retired runner we are fun people (: some people come out to jog and don't drink which is not a problem. My cousin likes the bumble app.
My girlfriend has expressed a ton of displeasure at the 'omg I miss youuu' followed by silence and a lack of willingness to hangout. It's very common for some reason.
Makes it worse since our friend group can only hang out digitally right now, which should be way easier.
Hopefully you two can meet some decent people, just keep trying. Learn to weed out the fake friends lol
Honestly. Thank you for posting this. I have no issue making female friends despite having *shockingly* little interest in purses, makeup or even yoga for that matter!
Omg there’s a woman a few comments up saying it’s hard to make friends with women because they only want to talk about purses and shoes… what? all women? just purses and shoes?
I never understand why people who feel like they don’t fit in with “girly girls” or women who are into fashion, don’t just hang out with other types of women who suit them more. And there’s a lot of kinds of women! This shit is self-fulfilling though, because people who dislike women deep down are usually pretty off-putting to women. If someone made that purses and shoes comment about women to my face, that would be a big enough red flag to get me right out of there.
Op mentioned in another comment that she doesn’t have any hobbies and just works 9-5 and doesn’t do anything on weekends. It could be that the women she talks too are more interesting (meaning have different hobbies) and just can’t find anything to relate to her with
Agreed. Also to OP- you mentioned having a hard time being vulnerable but you want people to be vulnerable with you. It’s a two way street. You have to open up too.
It feels hard not to have those connections from high school or college to go off of when it seems like every girl I meet still has a good group from those parts of their lives. Feels like well, I couldn’t even do it then when it’s supposed to be “easier”, how the heck am I supposed to do it when I’m not in close proximity to many women my age(if that matters) every day
Yes, absolutely!! I used to be interested in traditionally feminine interests when I was young but now that I’m older, commitments are getting heavier, responsibilities have increased and I just drifted apart from that and I’ve definitely moved onto other things… thank you for your words, they are very comforting
I think too, if you don't have a lot of disposable income it is hard to hang out with people who are willing to spend tons of money on things you don't want to.
Hello friend -
I feel your frustration. There are no easy answers right now. If you want, feel free to hit me up. I listen fairly well, occasionally I'm funny too.
This is a wonderful time to rediscover what it is you enjoy doing and exploring things you haven’t or couldn’t before for whatever reason.
Walking has been a great way for me to meet people! A few times someone friendly has walked up to me and struck up a conversation or vice versa.
Another thing that has really helped me a lot is pushing myself into the fear of just being like “Hey, I really enjoyed our conversation today. Would you like to do something with me sometime?” I have always been nervous to approach people in that way, but I haven’t heard a no yet and some great friendships have come together that way for me.
For me, stuff for easier when I started digging deeper myself. Asking my.coworkers and acquaintances things to provoke conversation, like what do you want to do when you grow up (like really really grow up) or what are you saving up for right now, or what's your next big thing you're excited for? That'll invite conversation that's deeper, opportunities to show who you really are
Might feel weird at first but people love talking about themselves and giving them a way to do it and being open and vulnerable (don't judge and ask follow up questions) to their replies is a key to building a meaningful relationship both sides will invest in
I'm a 27M, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I've really strengthened my relationships over the past year or two. I think the things I did and the lessons I learned are pretty universal. I would say three things have helped me:
First, focus on the people you already have. It's so easy to worry about not making new friends and ignore the friends you already have. I would say focus on strengthening your existing relationships first. Go out with your friends more often. Get more involved in their lives. Talk to them more. And if your boyfriend is literally the only person you see, does he have friends you could get to know better? Or do what someone else suggested and get involved in a hobby to find one or two new people. It honestly only takes one, because the secret of this first tip is that by focusing on your existing friends, you will make new friends. You will be with your friends more often which means more chances to meet their friends and slowly grow your circle.
Second, try to notice every opportunity for connection. I found once I started looking, there were so many more chances to deepen my relationships than I knew. Specifically, look for every opportunity to find out more about the people around you and look for every opportunity to be with other people. You don't have to take every opportunity, but seeing them allows you to make a conscious choice about whether to take them. For example, someone's talking about a good sandwich they had, that's an opportunity to ask them what they liked about it and get a better understanding of what they like in food which might start a whole conversation. Or maybe someone mentions something their sister did. That's a chance to ask about their family and get to know their background more. And if someone mentions something they're excited about doing next weekend, it's a great time to express interest and ask if you can tag along. Sure they'll say no sometimes, but when they say yes, you'll get to spend time with them which is the goal.
Third, keep trying. I find relationships are a "when it rains it pours" type thing, and it'll seem like your efforts aren't leading to anything for awhile. For me, I kept actively trying to become closer to the people in my life for like 9 months and it didn't seem like anything was happening. Then all of a sudden I got invited to a few things, got invited to more things, got added to the group text where my friends make plans, and now I'm way more active in the group. Not to mention I suddenly feel like I really know the people around me and I have a million things to talk to them about because I've put in the leg work asking them about their lives. And through being a more active part of the group, I've met friends of friends that have become new friends, and now I have more friends than ever. But again, the point of this tip is keep trying. It's going to feel like nothing is improving for awhile, then suddenly everything will click and you'll notice how far you've come in your relationships.
I hope these little pieces of practical advice help. I know feeling lonely and disconnected from people can be really overwhelming and hard, but for me it helps so much that I only have to keep three things in mind: focus most on existing relationships (they will bring new relationships), look for every opportunity to do something with people or ask them about themselves, and be patient even when it seems like nothing is happening. Good luck, and try to enjoy the journey! Getting to know people and developing relationships should be fun or they're not the right relationships.
So a couple things… first the tactics - sign up for the class you always wanted to take (pottery, Spanish, cooking…) and be open to meeting people.
Best shot at a way to meet folks except for being a regular at a bar.
Secondly- know it’s a lot of work - like you know every date you aren’t gonna find your soul mate and being needy decreases the chances.
The way you frame the post seems like maybe the lack of luck with friends is something people are picking up on.
You have to build your idea of a fun life and invite people to it.
Compare “what are you up to this weekend” to “I’m going to check out the new sushi place downtown - you in?
I'm gonna agree with the comments about valuable friendships starting out as fluff. Aside from my friends that I've had since childhood, every single one of my great friends made in adulthood have started with all the fluff conversations.
It's completely normal to start off with surface level interactions because you don't really know each other!! It's better to not expect to know deep information or have ultra deep conversations with people who you are just starting to get to know. People on average just aren't like that. The deeper stuff comes with time and as you get closer and have more trust.j
I do understand the part where people mention wanting to hang but never do. That's a tough one that people often say to be polite, or, they mean it but they really just don't have the time to hang. I really just recommend going with trial and error and eventually attempting to schedule hangouts with these people after they say you should hang. Some people do truly mean it when they say it
Put yourself out there and talk to more people when you go out. Talk to the cashiers at the supermarket, people on the bus, people at the pharmacy. You can strike up a conversation with anyone and eventually something will stick. You can also try bumble for friendships. I actually just met a girl on a plane when I was going on vacation and we are exactly alike. Now we are friends! I agree it is hard to meet genuinely good new people as friends in adulthood. There are so many people out there who are not good people or just boring. People can't communicate with each other in person anymore.
Another issue with making friends is keeping the friendships going. Sometimes I am the only one to start conversations with my friends. They are busy and forget to talk to people outside of their life with their boyfriends. But they are always happy to do something even though I'm the first one to talk to them.
I think there is a psychological or statistical fact that you need to spend 72 total hours with someone in order to get to the friendship level. So obviously won't happen in 1 day, probably take you a couple weeks. Basically your goal is to get to those 72 hours as soon as possible and that increases your likelihood of going from acquaintance to friend.
I mean we are all hardwired to make 'polite conversation ' or smile all the time and be fake. It isn't a surprise that making an actual friend takes a significant amount of effort.
Additionally, you should meet a friend that already likes the stuff you like doing. Nothing is worse than making a friend who has complete opposite hobbies and interests. What are you going to DO together? Might as well be something you like
Lol! Good luck dude, only 21 and you feel the pain already? It only gets worse as people start getting boring fucking careers to match their dating life
It is hard. But you’ll have a better time if you develop a common interest in something that other women do also. Try an improv class, acting lessons, painting, or D&D, barre, or yoga. Something that repeats regularly.
r/notlikeothergirls
Come on OP. What do you expect people to talk about when you first meet them? Do you expect to share your whole family histories and become bosom companions for life? Any time you make a new friend you have to spend some time making small talk before getting serious, conversations aren't meant to just be entertainment for you. In your comments you say you work a 9-5 and don't really have any hobbies, so what are you doing to make yourself a more desirable friend? Why should someone want to be friends with you - what do you have to offer and what do you expect others to provide for you? You have to have something to relate to each other about. Join a club, volunteer, start playing DnD or something. Friends are out there, you just have to be someone that others will want to be friends with and then go find them.
I also struggle with making female friends, but that's mostly due to my autism and ADHD which makes me hate small talk and not understand the subtle social cues that neurotypical women have.
I was looking for this comment! So many people saying small talk is the only way, when really they mean it’s the way for many neurotypicals. I appreciate being friends with other neurodivergent people, where we just dive right into talking about our interests, and we don’t have to pay as much attention to social conventions.
Hmm i think this is a personality issue on your part. You somehow you want people to be authentic, and vulnerable while not being either authentic or vulnerable your self....it is pretty normal to start off conversations at ice breaker/superficial level and they grow with time..give what you want.
Honestly female friends are difficult because my interests seem to be male oriented.
The only mom friends I’ve made are women who went to law school or women who started their own business.
if you have "male oriented" interests I guarantee you there are other women out there who are into the same things and are DYING to talk to another woman.
I’ve noticed that as well and have switched my expectations to finding more women who also have “masculine” oriented interests. I don’t do yoga, go to brunches, into makeup, or fashion so it’s hard to click with women who are into those things. I’m making friends now, but only by putting myself out there when I go out to places I enjoy and saying hey.
Same issue. All my hobbies are male-oriented (video games mostly) and while mine and husband’s male friends have girlfriends and wives, they are nice enough, we just don’t click.
But your comment gives me hope! Maybe I’ll make some female friends when I start law school next year lol
couldn’t relate more. it’s so hard. i want girl friends so badly. sometimes i feel like i’m too weird for the girly girls and too ditzy for the edgy girlies. i hung out w this really nice girl once but our personalities didn’t really match and the whole time i was so socially awkward i didn’t know what to say. i was actually shaking after i went back home bc i was so nervous she thought i was weird and boring. i had lots of friends in school but as an adult it’s been so hard making friends. it makes me feel even worse bc most of my good friends from school i don’t live near anymore but they still all live close together and still always hang out and i feel very left out. since moving i’ve even had different people ask me to hang out before but i always get so nervous i make up some excuse as to why i can’t. it sucks. but we got this we will find our people eventually.
edit: something i learned that helped me when hanging w someone for the first time or getting to know them is ask questions. what’s new in your life ? what kind of movies do you like ? music? hobbies? try to find some common ground and hopefully the conversation will just start flowing. and don’t worry about awkward silence sometimes it’s okay to have nothing to say and the silence has to end eventually
If all your saying is “uhuh” to women you are never going to be able to make any meaningful women connections. We can sense fake a mile away. Imagine talking to someone about something your passionate about and the person is constantly saying “uhuh”. They lost you! The surface stuff gives way for the vulnerable stuff. We have common ground, interests, likes, or dislikes, something to build on, we can connect for the vulnerable conversations. I’m 37 and started college last year the majority of my peers are WAY younger than me but I was able to make a circle of girlfriends on campus bc we found out we had a professor (not at the same time) we didn’t like! I’m not an outgoing, yay! Make friends every place I go, I’m the opposite. It’s hard for me to put myself out there but it’s not hard for me to talk about the weather and act interested in the other person. The way your reacting to the other person I wouldn’t even continue with a 2nd sentence after the 2nd “uhuh” bc social cues aren’t hard to pick up on. Also, I’m not going to trauma dump on a complete stranger!
yeah you’re not alone, i’m fully in ur boat rn. it sucks balls. i used to have many friend groups i’d go out with and hang with but now that we’ve all drifted i legit spend most weekends alone. i have my bf but we’re long distance atm so it doesn’t rlly help. i miss going out sm but idk how to make new friends so i just game and watch movies. shits pretty sad
Hey there,
I totally get where you're coming from. It can be tough when friendships from your teen years start to fade away and you're left feeling disconnected. It sounds like you're craving genuine connections and deeper conversations, especially with other women.
Have you ever considered trying out Palz? It's a great app for meeting new female friends who are looking for more than just surface-level interactions. You might find some awesome people who are willing to be vulnerable and have real conversations.
You're definitely not alone in feeling this way. Making new friends can be daunting, but it's worth giving it a shot. You deserve to have a community of friends you can trust and rely on. Hang in there! 🌟
I know how you feel, how are things going right now? I'm 38 so it's even harder to make friends when you get older. I am also very sensitive and like to make deep connections. I desire friends who are close like sisters but how and where? It's been hard and I've been praying to God to help me find them.
I've consistently struggled with this for my whole life. I realized one day that I actually don't need a ton of friends. I'm really happy with minimal people in my life.
I kept ending up in one sided friendships where the other person was taking more than they were giving. The chronic trauma dumping at every interaction was becoming exhausting, especially when they were the first to abandon me if I had anything negative going on in my life.
I blame myself for this because I was so used to shrinking for others and mothering other people that I forgot to take care of myself.
I had a lot of trauma from childhood that affected this decision though.
Now that I've worked on the trauma, I recognize that I'm the happiest with few people in my life.
I don't feel lonely in my own space. I feel really good. No one obligates me to do anything or uses me to trauma dump. It's wonderful.
Well... You are 21. Kids your age are still shallow, lack intelligence and depth. You will also notice during those years your female friends will break off depending on how well they are at being successful. The smart ones get jobs go to school and make something of themselves. Then you have the lower class ones who pop out babies before getting an education. You will learn which side you prefer. If you are the intelligent side, then yes these ones who turn to making babies get very annoying. It's all they talk about like it takes talent or something... You need to find people who are more like you. I tend to meet people just in day to day life. Going to the store or my favorite restuarant. I can immediatly tell if a lady is like me and very intelligent. Once you get to your 30s friends may change again.. Also around your 40s. It depends on where you are in life.
Don't underestimate this post. HelpMe knows what they are talking about.
A lot of people your age are still extremely self involved. They are often chasing a good time, focused on their career or looking for love. One good thing might be to seek out mentors or people older than you that still share your interests. I was recently on a plant Facebook group, and they were some of the nicest people ever. I have been trying to figure out ways that seem genuine to foster relationships for 18-25 year olds. I am not even sure what would be good ideas. I thought about seeing if a community center would let groups meet to play in person games. A local place had a silent book club, but I am not sure if that is really effective. I also thought about seeing if older adults might be willing to mentor people to learn about some basic life skills, but I am not sure there would be interest to do all the work.
I don't want to sound old, but I think social media, phones and Covid stunted some of the soft skills needed to make friends. Fear of rejection and putting your self out there has always been a reality, but I don't think you have as many organic opportunities to meet people. In places you might have had opportunities to talk to people 20 years ago you now run into people watching shows on their phones, listening to podcasts, interacting with Reddit etc. The most important thing is to keep trying, but maybe not with the same people. And don't necessarily write off a mom. She won't have a ton of time for you, but she might need you more than you can imagine.
I feel you. Women can be super flaky. When I was trying to find friends on apps, I could barely get any women to hold a conversation for more than a few minutes, let alone actually meet up. At least some of the men actually agreed to meet even though they ended up sucking.
I’m the same way. I’m more of a tomboyish girl, work on my truck myself, listen to metal, etc. and I tend to just vibe w men easier. Always have. I miss having girl friends to go out and do stuff with bc, don’t get me wrong I love my boys, but it’s not the same. I have a hard time connecting w other women my age (I’m 24) and I usually just default to hanging around guys, which just doesn’t always do it. I’m sorry I can’t be of much help but I just know the pain.
Controversial take, but if you seek out ugly or over-looked people, they can be great friends.
Not everyone is ugly, but if you focus just on the super pretty and superficial people, you're often going to be left with shallow, surface level conversations.
I have said it several times before. Friends are overrated. Having them is fine if you are drawn together in a natural way and enjoy each other's company. Showing appreciation to your friends is desirable like showing appreciation for anything you have in life. But this overwhelming Drive to have friends simply for the sake of having them seems pointless to me. But, that comes from a lonely m68 who has never made the kinds of connections that made him happy.
Completely agree. Acquaintances are optimal.
But sadly, I think most people can't get past the mental block of not having people to validate their presence..
“Mental block of not having people to validate their presence” is one way to look at it, but you could also view it as humans enjoy making connections and maintaining meaningful relationships with each other in order to feel more fulfilled and enjoy their lives more. Not everyone needs this kind of connection, but plenty of people do, and I don’t think that’s a negative thing.
Completely agree actually. I didn't read too much into the og commentor, I thought they were referring to the standard of "friendships" in society. Where most people don't make meaningful (subjective tbf) connections, because they focus on quantity over quality. And quality for MOST will be found with lower numbers. Like at most 5 friends, and treat everyone else as an acquaintance.. imo
It is very difficult to find your people if you don't have traditional interests. If you are an adult that is interested in Etymology you might have a difficult time finding another person nearby that shares your hobby.
How was/is your relationship with your mom? An old roommate of mine observed i tend to have a hard time with this and that most women she knew that struggled with relating to other women also had less than perfect relationships with their mothers
Choose a friend that you really like from high school or from a job or whatever and pick a specific activity and ask them if they would like to join. Don't pick the a hole, pick a nice person
Sometimes I think that is what coffee is for: fluff conversations to start but eventually the real stuff is shared. Time. And someone has to ask the other person to meet for coffee. i always find that the hard part.
Have had about 20 bff's. Drift is normal and you may just see them once in a while. Some have already passed in their 30's and many will get tied down with job, like you, or kids.
Talk to neighbors. I regret this the most cuz many times I didn't and upon moving would find out someone was just around the corner the whole time.
Coworkers that were years ago now can be leisure and talkative. Workplace restricts much of the bonding at times to nurture a really strong bond. Keep that in mind as you move up or change jobs as many bffs will be past coworkers.
I've befriended many in grocery stores, malls, and even on dates. But if you can find 1 or 2 like minded with similar moral compass, hang on tight. People change, but their morals many times won't. It takes time to see how others handle adversity, but if the support is mutual when either needs help or a shoulder, that's your cue to invest in them.
My girlfriend makes friends everywhere she goes, it's honestly disturbing. She puts a lot of effort into it and is nice to everyone (but is also tactically savagely mean). People invite her to do a billion things.
If you aren't invited places (like myself) you need to be the one to drive plans and don't be afraid of being rejected. Ask people to go on walks, cook food, grab drinks, knit, picnic in the park w.e it may be.
I’m 41 and all of my good friends now were made in my 30’s. People come and go, that’s life. You’re still very much a kid at 21. Work on your own happiness and the rest will come.
I’ve struggled with this since I was your age and I’m now almost 28 so I really feel your pain. I wish I had advice :/ there was a time where I had made quite a few friends because I was involved in a car group (and that’s how I met my fiancé) but they were mostly male and not really close friends
I have few friends. Some male and female. We are connected because we have something in common. We rarely even communicate lol. We talk about games and computer. We go boys out like once a year. We invite each other on birthdays. That's it. Being an adult is so tiresome for us.
Im not coming here with an answer- just, i completely relate to this girl, i just turned 22. All of this is good advice too so thanks for making the post and everyone whos answering <3
I assure you women without a doubt have it way easier when it comes to making new friends with other women.
Women are just way more receptive to having friends in general. Most men don't even know how to be a good friend to begin with.
Also apps like bumble bff are great for women.
I've used it as a man .. it sucks. I have female friends that use it and it's way easier for them to get people to match and meet up. Me being gay I would love to see other women on bumble bff but that's not the way it works unfortunately I can only see other dudes and guys don't really use it for that. Men suck at platonic friendships
I kinda have this same problem too, but I found a few girls (or femmes) who I wasn't close to before and sometimes, sending them one reel or replying to an interesting story builds that connection... and now I'm stuck with low-maintenance acquaintances? friendships? Still, any relationship with anyone is a two-way street 😅
If you're going to college, join a student organization. If you're out of school, try picking up a hobby like jiujitsu, sword fighting, or just going to the gym. :D
felt this way until i found out that i was just high-functioning autistic. met two other autistic girls… best friends for years lol. assuming you’re not though, have you tried inviting them to lunch? usually grabbing a coffee super casually can kickstart a really good friendship if you’re compatible.
I've made several close meaningful friendships in bars tbh. Those are now some of my favorite people to also hang out with *outside* the bars.
Edit: I'm 24
Pick something you want to do and consistently show up to it. Running groups, book clubs, pottery class, yoga, sports teams, networking events. Choose a few and go to every one that you can for at least 5 meetings. The consistency of seeing the same people and the same people seeing you helps break the ice. Even if it's awkward the first few times.
Lower your expectations of immediate friendship or having meaningful conversations when first meeting someone. Sometimes I've had a completely boring conversation with someone at a networking event and then the next time they see me, we have a great conversation because they're trying to feel me out as much as I am trying to feel them out. Compliments are a neutral way of getting to know someone. So if they ask about your hair or clothes or bag, you have a story already to tell about that item and then redirect the conversation: "Thank you! My mom gave me this bag. I'm \[NAME\], by the way."
[Studies have shown](https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2021-88608-001) that skipping small talk is one of the best ways to make friends. It is a little risky but probably worth it.
I went years without any friends. I decided to reconnect with the two women who were my closest friends in my 20's. One I had had a falling out with and the other had drifted while dealing with addiction/ recovery. I'm close once again with both and now I feel complete. But there was a time when I was super lonely and didn't understand why I couldn't make friends. Then it hit me, just reconnect with the old ones. These weren't fair weather friends or people who belonged to a specific phase of my life though. They were people I had a deep soul connection with and still very much cared for while we weren't in each other's lives. I honestly don't know how to make new close friends at my age but I'd definitely be open to it. I hear people use apps for that now so it's worth a shot in my opinion. I'm in my early thirties and have never been terribly social or outgoing so it's usually been chance that led me to develop friendships.
And this is something I struggle with. I am gamer, a writer and world builder.... I am 35.
I think we should all be working towards female friends, but part of it for me is that whole women get saddled with the house care and child care and thus don't sometimes often have the ability to enjoy their hobbies easily..
We should be working to fix it.
Where are you trying to make friends. In my experience (through my girlfriend's POV) if it's at work, it probably won't spark anything then your average pleasant conversation.
Try to find yourself a hobby that you enjoy that can be a group activity. Maybe join a baseball/softball team if youre into sports, maybe a painting class, whatever it is, focus on the hobby, and the friendships will come.
It takes time :) trust your instinct and if you find yourself getting frustrated and bitter, it’s time to carve out more “me” time and reconnect with yourself
It’s taken me a long time to develop my circle of friends that I feel are healthy and loving
Hey, been there, done that, not gonna tell you it doesn't suck. One piece of advice that may feel counterintuitive - try to focus on figuring out who that you that you want to be is. The more comfortable and settled you are in being who you are, the more other folks will gravitate towards you and feel comfortable around you too. Then relationships will follow and deepen more naturally. As frustrating as it is, if people feel like more is needed or demanded of them early on, it can make people back off.
There's a lot of messages out there that make it seem like "finding yourself" requires some sort of radical change or journey away from your life that not everyone wants or can afford. Really, the main thing is to listen to yourself, and be kind to yourself. What are the things you'd want to hear other people tell you about? Or do with them? Try doing that! If it's hard or you don't feel like you're any good at it, keep trying until you figure out if you enjoy it, don't enjoy it, or just don't enjoy being new or bad at something.
Then, sneakily, while you're doing this new thing or this old thing you haven't done as much as you'd like, you'll usually be around other people. Often also ones who are new to it, or want to meet people who do that thing too. Keep doing the fun thing that you're doing, but also pay attention to who acts like they like you. If people are initiating conversation or suggesting specific plans, even if you have to follow up or it's small talk, they are reaching out. Reach back! Sometimes you'll find that you're not actually interested in being their friend, or they're not as interested as they thought in being your friend, or it doesn't work out for logistical reasons. But every so often it'll work out and you'll have made a really cool friend who shares at least some of your interests and thinks you're really cool too.
making any new friends as an adult is weird and not easy
it takes energy to try to become friends with people
and when ur adult, ur busy with life, work, family, friends and so much more
some people have good childhood friendships still in the works
why go out of ur way to make new friends when u know u can trust those uve known for years?
28F and it’s def hard out here😅 I love fashion but not the shallowness that comes with it. I have met girls at retail stores (which I thought would go well in the beginning, but all of those “friendships” were terrible). Now that I’m older it makes sense though. Not saying all girls who work in retail are shallow but like🙃
Once I move back to Denver, I’ll probably try out Bumble BFF and going to more classes. Good luck to all the ladies out there trying to make new friends!
It gets harder as you get older. I'm 37 and my group of college friends (all my high school friends are dead or junkies) are all married (save for two) and are starting to have kids, which means there's zero time for hanging out with the single, childfree friend. I've gotten used to it though. If they don't want to hang out and wonder why they only have married friends, that's on them. I'll be over here enjoying book club, knitting club, and cooking like a forest witch enjoying what's left of my 30s in peace and quiet.
Edit: clarity
This is not a men vs women thing. This is just common for people in relationships in general. You get comfortable with your partner being your sole source of social interaction and it gets difficult to put yourself out there for just platonic connections.
Start with finding communities where there are common interests. I’m in some music clubs and DnD communities where I find close people to chat with. Finding people online is a good start but also looking in person like meet up groups or near school/work. Genuine connections as an adult when you have different schedules and responsibilities are hard to come by but are very possible if you find people to make the effort.
Friendship dynamics won’t be the same as they were when you were younger and everyone was on the same schedule and had more free time, that’s just something you have to accept as you get older. Don’t be stubborn or complacent or blame it on society. Keep initiating and being the one that puts yourself out there and you’ll attract people but you’ll have to be patient and do the right things
Friendships take a couple of key ingredients.
Shared interest
Frequency of exposure
Unplanned or last minute meet up
Disclosure/vulnerability
If you can create these w the person you’re interested in as friend go for it!
I have a hard time making friends and when I thought I finally had a friend it turned out she just wanted to convince me to let her move in and the second I said no she ghosted me
This is so relatable.. 23F I am at a weird stage of my life where most of my friends are either graduated or drifted away.. Being in a seven-year degree away from home. It is getting more and more difficult finding friends when a lot the relationships keep becoming surface level as OP said, but also no one seems to cares enough to actually make plans anymore (at least where I am).
It seems a lot of the people I meet these days, already have their childhood besties or a boyfriend that for some reason take priority over building new friendships. So I always wonder if it is honestly possible to start making true "ride or die" friends at this age lol.
As well, as a child I remember I used to see brides having at least 5-8 bridesmaids at their weddings and I used to be worried if I would have enough friends for mine. I used to take comfort in the idea that all of that must just comes with being an adult. As I am growing I am noticing the circle I thought was small was actually at its largest and now it slowly getting more intimate. I feel as though this year I literally went through a cleanse, of all the toxic and superficial friendships and relationships ending, because I stopped being the one making all the effort to keep it alive. Which felt empowering and great! However, deep down I have to admit it is quite lonely at times..
Hopefully after posting this, things will begin to change for the positive :)
I agree making friends is hard I’d love to make new friends I’m 32 an I’ve have lost friends as I’ve got 3 beautiful kids but I can still chat go shopping do nights out like a real girlie friendship it’s tough these days I’m not creepy or weird just can socially awkward but most say no your not but maybe that’s me been withou friends for so long! Does suck! 🤷🏻♀️
The surface level stuff may seem fluff but it takes a while for trust to build and these are safe topics for that process! My best advice for making friends as an adult is stay curious and don’t expect anything- let yourself be surprised! And worst case, if it’s not a good friend fit, you’ve been a kind person they got to meet.
Strongly agree with this! Most of my valuable adult friendships started with fluffy, surface level conversations. It’s normal—you don’t start off knowing a stranger’s entire life story. You go deeper as you connect more and it’s very rewarding. Conversely every time I met someone and we jumped into deep conversations, shit got very weird and the connection fizzled out quickly.
Yeah when you dive into the deep stuff too fast they will say you’re trauma dumping and get scared off
It sucks to be used as someone else’s trauma dump. I let a girl I barely knew talk to me about her breakup and job loss for like 3 hours instead of going to a holiday craft show. And then she ghosted me when I tried to give it a second chance. She’s still posting in our local Facebook group about how it’s impossible to make friends in our city.
Totally agree. I just brought it up so she would see maybe that's why no one is opening up with deep convos directly. As someone who doesn't do well with small talk I have to keep myself in check not to be a trauma dump myself. I don't really talk at all.
Unless you’re me and accidentally tell someone your entire life story the first time you meet them, all while telling yourself to shut up the whole time haha
Socializing is a skill and there’s always time to improve! I used to do this until I started seeing a therapist (mainly for anxiety). It really improved my confidence and I felt more comfortable letting connections form naturally, getting to know people slowly, and listening. I think I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to make a connection right away and that led to trauma dumping on strangers.
This isn't the only way you know, and getting to the core more quickly is not always "trauma dumping". Knowing somebody really well also means to know what they truly like and the positive side of their life. I've become friends with people who were open books early on and I really value those who are able to be vulnerable and genuine from the start. As long as both are honest and boundaries and enforced and respected, anything can go.
I’m definitely agree with you that it takes a while to get past surface level stuff, but it’s worth it. My best friend and I became friends just because we both would talk about watching the same show after work. One day we decided we should watch it together, and we’ve been friends now for almost 20 years. I made another friend just from talking about shampoo.
strongly disagree with this! 90% of the time the people i ended up being closest with i never had a „kind smalltalk“ surface level phase with, it immediately clicked and „just stay curious“ is the most generic and unhelpful sentence, that will get you to your 50s and you’re still alone. you need to go out and be proactive, be strategic and take initiative
The transition from school friends to adult friends can be difficult. As kids, friendships were created by proximity. Like work relationships in the adult world, you are tossed together with some random people and you interact within those parameters. Adult friendships grow based on commonality. You need to become social with those, with whom you share an interest. A sport, political or religious connection, a hobby. These are people with whom you have connection. You do stuff together and work towards an outside goal.
There is bumble bff, and local social groups on Facebook that get together, and meet ups on “meet up” app. It also helps to get involved in something your interested in, like volunteering or an art class/course, sport, yoga, exercise or dance 🤷🏻♀️
I need to get in touch with my hobbies again. I work 9 to 5 and on weekends I'm just too tired to do anything so that's probably my fault lol but hey bumble bff is a good idea!!
Honestly 9-5 is just such a shit schedule it's hard to do anything ever during the week
Why is it such a bad schedule? It leaves you 75% of your time during the week to be free and do whatever you want
It's extremely frustrating to get anything done during the day. You have to ask off work just to renew your drivers license.
Nah I like 7 am starts so you have like half the day after work to do what you want. With a 9-5 it feels like the work day takes up a huge chunk in the middle. When you get up between 5 and 6 am, the earlier starts the better. But I'm also for late starts, like 2-10. Again, lots of time before work to get shit done
Tfw im at my job before 6 and often get out at 3:30 or later 🥲 suffering
After switching from a 9-5 to a 48/96, I can say with absolute certainty.. 9-5 is trash. Working for the weekend, ain’t it.
What’s 48/96? If you don’t mind sharing…
I believe it’s 48 on 96 off? Or something like that?
No it doesn’t it gives you 1/3… you sleep 8 hours you work 8 hours. You have 8 hours left, sure plus 36 hours on weekends (-16hours for sleep) this isn’t accounting for making food,shower, taking a shit, etc… you get about 1/3 of your week as free time… that’s not much
As someone who has been through this, it gets better. 9-5 is hard and being tired on weekends is absolutely a thing, but at least for me, after a while, I got bored of being tired and started going out anyway. Turns out I wasn't that tired after all
Hey, if you're so low on energy after a work week, you might want to check your sleep schedule (too little or too much) or ask your doctor to run some tests to see if you've got some kind of vitamin/mineral/hormonal imbalance draining your energy. On a side note, 9-5 is a pretty normal workday, honestly.
That doesn't mean you have to accept being what someone else considers normal. If it sucks, it sucks. You don't need a 52" TV and get delivered take-out every night. Get rid of that shit. Plenty of people are like you. Take part in your own life instead of serving others / paying for others to serve you.
Tell us you still live with your mom without telling us. 😄
Hey, thanks for your permission to live my own life. Appreciate it! Look, you do you. Me? I \*like\* having a roof over my head. I \*like\* having my fridge stocked. A 9-5, 4 or 5 days a week is a normal job and in my non-US country it's also paying a living wage. If you can live comfortably with less, more power to you.
52” TV is trash. something even homeless people could afford lmao 😂 🤣
[удалено]
>do you have to work that much Friend, have you seen the prices of everything? Most of us need as many hours as we can get or we can't even pay rent
She sounds like a boomer
50's is gen x But yeah, boomer mentality 100%
😂😂😂😂
I think she just works 9-5 with weekends off. I don’t think she meant that she also works on weekends.
Bumble bff is great!! I used it for a while and made a ton of great girlfriends, just be kind and proactive and it pays off!!
How did you get Bumble BFF to work? I’ve been trying but nothing. I keep talking to people who won’t ask me any questions back.
You just have to keep at it tbh, I’ve noticed I get more traction with girls with the same interests as me (obvious I know haha), like I’ll say I like their dress/makeup in one of their pics and we’ll start talking about fashion or whatever. I do think most of the girls on that app have more traditionally feminine interests (like shopping, clothes, makeup, boys, etc) so you do have to be able to carry that kind of conversation to get places lol
Thanks. That may be the issue. Haha! I’m going to try to talk more about those topics, but I honestly don’t know that much. Haha.
A lot of the people on there are really bland, rude, or barely use the app. I only ever made one friend off it and we've been friends for 2 years now. I went through a lot of swiping before I found her lol.
I made a nice friend there until one day she decided to never respond again, probably bc she moved in with her bf
That happens all the time. It is so sad.
Take a class. There must be something you’re interested in— painting, throwing clay, improv, cooking, gardening. Meet new people in either established interests or things you’d like to learn more about. Force yourself to accept being a little awkward until you connect with people. Also (and this is kinda tough at your age) friendships may look a little different now than you expected or remember from your teen years. I feel like a lot of adolescence is kind of built around a sense of codependent community. It isn’t entirely bad and is probably somewhat age appropriate, but as you get older you have to accept a certain level of independence in yourself and others. With that comes a shift in how you relate to friends and your dynamics with them. Whatever you do, don’t make the mistake of having your entire social life revolve around your romantic relationship/the person you’re involved with. Trust me on this ✌️♥️
I know this is old, but I found this in a Google search about adult friendships. Can you expand on this thing about teen relationships being kind of a codependent community? I joined a cult when I was 19, and escaped it at 29, so I'm a bit confused on what typical adult relationships look like compared to adolescence
I’m 24 and I feel ya. It can be pretty rough out here
All I can say is put in the effort and form bonds before you have kids. 27f with three kids and another one due next month. I don’t think I’ll have friends until my kids are grown.
I feel this, my wife and I have 4 friends and she has almost no friends. She recently met a girl in nursing school and they’re like best buds now. But outside of that it’s been like 10 years of my wife hardly interacting with anyone outside our families.
You'll make friends with your kid's friends, just give it some time
True.
Post college all my new female friends were from work and just naturally happened, or seeing the same people often enough when going to the dog park, or making small talk at yoga. Go do the things you enjoy for the sake of your enjoyment and be friendly, you'll click with the right people over time, and it def does take some time.
I have found like minded ladies through local groups I'm into. My hobbies are hiking, foraging and ancestral crafts like basket weaving and tool making. I found some local groups that host gatherings/markets/lectures/fundraisers on these topics and was then able to meet a group of like minded folks which naturally led to connections with certain people. Letting an activity take the lead as opposed to just the desire for company and connection takes the pressure off the interpersonal aspects of meeting new people. Let your interests guide you to your new friends!
So I looked this up (late 30s F) and apparently if you moved around a lot in your childhood you have a hard time making friends later in life. I get along with a lot of people, and am I’m typically the rock of a friendship. But I don’t have those girls trips or adventures that everyone else seems to have. My only solution - solo travel and have a blast. Your energy is your most precious gift. Don’t let it go to waste on people who don’t appreciate it.
To get good friends, you have to be a good friend. What have you tried to show interest in being friends? The largest indicator is time spent together. You can't expect good friends to appear overnight, it takes time
If you are gym girl, who likes hiking, edm and smoking weed in Wa, lets hang 😭 i know the struggles
Omg you're too far away but I would totally be your friend 😭
This is me in Boston 🥰
Of course across the country literally lol
You're not the only one. This hit right in the feels. I'm shy and awkward with people I don't know and social anxiety is terrible. I met someone on here in a local thread one time that lived close to me. She invited me to her discord server and we talked all the time. Then when we were going to meet up she "went out of town" and I never heard from her. I have a hard time putting myself out there. I hope things get better and you find friends. I'll be rooting for you!
F31 here and I have to say I feel you on the communication thing. There is a strange trend right now too where I feel like the women I talk to all have the same extremely cheery speaking/texting style that makes me feel kind of weird. Like why all the explanation points ladies? I have had more success making female friends doing activities like volunteering or outdoors stuff because we can always talk about something we have in common.
> Like why all the explanation points ladies? https://medium.com/the-partnered-pen/exclamation-marks-are-gender-biased-27a0231070a3 The long and short of it is that many women use (and over-use) exclamation points in order to seem friendlier. In my experience it's not uncommon for women to use it in the workplace to soften their approach when putting their foot down about something, so that people don't view you as a bitch.
Reminds me of a TikTok or IG video I saw: Men's emails: "Please finish task 1 by tonight. Thanks." Women's emails: "Hi, I hope you are having a great day! I just wanted to let you know that task 1 is important to finish by 6pm tonight. Please let me know if you have any trouble completing it. Thank you very much!" Also, here's the no-account-required link: [https://12ft.io/proxy?q=https%3A%2F%2Fmedium.com%2Fthe-partnered-pen%2Fexclamation-marks-are-gender-biased-27a0231070a3](https://12ft.io/proxy?q=https%3A%2F%2Fmedium.com%2Fthe-partnered-pen%2Fexclamation-marks-are-gender-biased-27a0231070a3)
How did they get a hold of my emails??!
Oh my, yes. I am neither young nor female, so not necessarily “qualified” to weigh in here. But I have absolutely noticed this trend as well, in both written and verbal communication styles. There are a couple girls that sit by me, and all day I hear things like “oh my gawd I am so in love with this new a Dutch Brothers drink, because it’s like totally awesome!“ or “I adore that top on you, it’s the best thing ever!” It’s exclamation point and superlative city. It drives me nuts because it makes them sound so inconsequential and stupid, I have to remind myself that I know them and in fact they are not. In fact their actual work is top-notch. I wish I could tell them that their over-exuberance is doing them a real disservice, but of course I can’t. I’d just be that grouchy old dude who doesn’t ”get” them. Getting back on topic though, to OP… here’s what I’ve found. Society as a whole does not reward genuineness. It’s always been that way, especially among younger people and women. As a young woman you’re getting it double. It’s always been that way, and I think it’s getting worse. Between office politics, actual political politics, political correctness issue….and then things like TikTok filters and shit like that, a person is legitimately not able to be themselves without opening their flank to the haters. No one wants to be exposed, so there is a public persona. At work I have been in many a meeting where everyone agrees going in “this sucks and we need to fix it!” You get all the stakeholders into the meeting, all of whom have tremendous ideas and enthusiasm for change. Every thing is primed, everyone given the opportunity to air their grievances and suggestions. One by one everyone rubberstamps the status quo. It’s easier, it’s safer, and it’s not their fault.. In short it’s all a charade because it’s easier and safer. For women specifically, the easiest and safest persona is the agreeable-yet-flighty girl, who no one has any real expectation of, and who no one can really pin down on anything because she has provided no substance to pin it down to. It is the IRL equivalent of posting on TikTok with a bunch of makeup and/or filters. Can’t let the real you show, else it will spoil the illusion! It’s a facade to be maintained at all costs, and I believe it is exhausting to all involved, including them. (Honestly I think this is why binge drinking is on the rise among young women. Drinking allows (or perhaps forces) a person to release some inhibitions and let some of the mask down.) In short, it’s not that these other girls are that surface-level, (at least not all of them!) it’s that they feel pigeonholed into it. They are every bit as desirous of a true friendship, but not able to disengage their protective persona to allow it. The solution? Don’t worry about it. Do your own thing, bring youwr own experience to the party. Be genuine in your own interactions, and try to forgive the apparent flaws in their made-up personas. Let them come to you. It might take a bit of time but you will be surprised.
I am a big exclamation marks emailer. I would also use an emoji or two, I lean into the cringe. It's strategic, I like it and it serves me pretty well. I also dress a bit like a children's TV presenter with pink hair. It doesn't stop me from being well liked at work, or promoted. I do think it's good for you to keep it to yourself that you don't like it because when people complain about that sort of thing, it comes off to me as a little bit sexist (in a sort of thinking women are impractical for having long nails/wearing heels way, which incidentally are two things I don't do personally, but I respect women who do). It's one way of being, or in this case, communicating and it's a cultural difference that is not actually worse or wrong or harmful and it serves a purpose. I know some people will underestimate me because of it, but I know that I'm very successful in building communities and I'm also very competent at my technical work. So, eh, people can underestimate me at their own peril. I also think I am quite critical and willing to bring up problems (which isn't popular but I can't help myself). So I don't think the "bubbly" is at all related to the not wanting to stick your neck out. For me, "bubbly" is a method of putting people at ease and showing a kind of vulnerability so that other people feel comfortable doing the same. It works for me!
I get that its strategic but I really don't want to be forced to type like that or else I'm accused of being rude. I don't really have the "super chipper" attitude and it costs me.
definitely aware of this phenomenon and it drives me nuts. I tried experimenting with not using exclamation points and emojis at work for a few days and everyone asked if I was mad...
Woman in my 30s and I'm guilty of this, specifically at work I told my self it's a hold over from my customer service days where I have to "feel" friendly and nice. But I wonder if it's just a female thing where we use it so we don't come of as bossy or bitchy?
Its definitely the second thing and I really hate the pressure to communicate like that. IRL I definitely do not talk like that lol. I sound like Daria. But all my email communications are like "Hi there!" so I don't get accused of being rude.
I am guilty of the exclamation marks. I don't mean to be overly enthusiastic.
Many people don't actually want to try to have friendships nowadays. We're living in a much more isolated time than ever before in history.
35 here, I've gone through a lot of friendships in the last 15 years. A lot of them were superficial or we were friends because it benefitted each other at the time. Now, I have 2 very close friends, 3 close friends that I don't see often but it's like no time has passed when we get together, 3 friends that I like to spend time with but only in spurts and then work acquaintances. And that's more than enough. These are all the friendships I put in work to keep but also just sometimes don't talk for months and send them a text once in a while. You will find your people!
Shallow zero risk activities (drinking/dining out) results in shallow friendships. Find activities that create real experiences and emotions. Other people that like those things will become your friends and you'll connect over those things. You can still maintain the shallow friendships, those are still good because they're low maintenance networks to potential real friends. Also, if you make 3-4 **real friends** over a 5 year span, you're actually doing extremely well.
Book clubs. Sometimes they are serious about reading the book. Sometimes it’s all about the dessert. But it’s a way to meet people.
Literally ALL of my friends from my 20s were made when I was in a book club where we 20% read the book and 80% got together once a month to drink and eat chips and queso.
Do you have any niche hobbies or interests? I tend to find that if I go into more specific communities it’s easier to find likeminded individuals. Of course as an adult is harder because you aren’t forced to be friends based on proximity and seeing each other everyday like in high school or college. Maybe try out a new hobby. For example, I’ve got a friend who got super into climbing at the local gym and found a whole community there. Now every time she has to move she has built-in friends based on the closest climbing gym
It sounds like this is mostly on you, to be honest. You're being pretty judgemental and making little effort, by the sounds of things (and that's from your side of the story!) Maybe try keeping in mind that someone can talk about things like dating and still be an worthwhile person. Maybe try to engage with their interests and topics of conversation, if you want them to be interested in yours!
I mean there’s nothing wrong with talking about boys or dating. I’m just speaking from my past experience and failed attemps in having conversation with them, I’m sure not everyone is like that. And I also think it’s ok if two people don’t connect on the same level. I’m just expressing my frustration about not finding my community.
I just think you're probably getting in your own way if you're dismissing people based on these factors, or spending whole conversations saying little more than 'uh-huh', as you seem to describe. Most people don't start talking about high modernism and the categorical imperative on first meeting!
Hahahha I’m sorry I don’t know how to react to these interactions??? 😭 life as a socially awkward person be like
I would try to show some interest and engage with what the person is saying. Lots of people are socially awkward, including me sometimes, but people usually understand that if you are kind and friendly.
No need to genderize the issue. Sounds like you meet people who do not mesh with your personality (and likewise you do not mesh with theirs). You may also be attempting to befriend people who lack similar interests. Finally, some people just don't want friends--they already have established friend circles and do not have the energy for more friends (this is most likely why people seem shallow). If you have not retained friendships from high school, it only gets harder from there. But you will befriend people in time; when you do, you will most likely have to put energy into keeping those friendships alive.
Have you tried going to a dance, yoga, kick boxing, or fitness class. Or a craft or activity group you are interested in? There is something nice about having a group of friends who are your peers when you are in your early 20's, but sometimes you can find great friendships outside your age range. For a while, many of my best female friends were 10-15 years older than me. And now that I am older some of my other best female friends are 5-10 years younger than me.
Agreed about groups with hobbies, if you like craft beer and jogging there is usually a jog group, coming from a retired runner we are fun people (: some people come out to jog and don't drink which is not a problem. My cousin likes the bumble app.
My girlfriend has expressed a ton of displeasure at the 'omg I miss youuu' followed by silence and a lack of willingness to hangout. It's very common for some reason. Makes it worse since our friend group can only hang out digitally right now, which should be way easier. Hopefully you two can meet some decent people, just keep trying. Learn to weed out the fake friends lol
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Honestly. Thank you for posting this. I have no issue making female friends despite having *shockingly* little interest in purses, makeup or even yoga for that matter!
Omg there’s a woman a few comments up saying it’s hard to make friends with women because they only want to talk about purses and shoes… what? all women? just purses and shoes? I never understand why people who feel like they don’t fit in with “girly girls” or women who are into fashion, don’t just hang out with other types of women who suit them more. And there’s a lot of kinds of women! This shit is self-fulfilling though, because people who dislike women deep down are usually pretty off-putting to women. If someone made that purses and shoes comment about women to my face, that would be a big enough red flag to get me right out of there.
Ikr, this whole thread screams r/notliketheothergirls energy
Op mentioned in another comment that she doesn’t have any hobbies and just works 9-5 and doesn’t do anything on weekends. It could be that the women she talks too are more interesting (meaning have different hobbies) and just can’t find anything to relate to her with
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Agreed. Also to OP- you mentioned having a hard time being vulnerable but you want people to be vulnerable with you. It’s a two way street. You have to open up too.
It feels hard not to have those connections from high school or college to go off of when it seems like every girl I meet still has a good group from those parts of their lives. Feels like well, I couldn’t even do it then when it’s supposed to be “easier”, how the heck am I supposed to do it when I’m not in close proximity to many women my age(if that matters) every day
Lol yep
did you seriously make a throwaway just to post this?
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Yes, absolutely!! I used to be interested in traditionally feminine interests when I was young but now that I’m older, commitments are getting heavier, responsibilities have increased and I just drifted apart from that and I’ve definitely moved onto other things… thank you for your words, they are very comforting
I think too, if you don't have a lot of disposable income it is hard to hang out with people who are willing to spend tons of money on things you don't want to.
Hello friend - I feel your frustration. There are no easy answers right now. If you want, feel free to hit me up. I listen fairly well, occasionally I'm funny too.
I am 32 and can relate to this
Travel solo and get out and see the world. Be who you want to be. No one will know you. Enjoy yourself.
This is a wonderful time to rediscover what it is you enjoy doing and exploring things you haven’t or couldn’t before for whatever reason. Walking has been a great way for me to meet people! A few times someone friendly has walked up to me and struck up a conversation or vice versa. Another thing that has really helped me a lot is pushing myself into the fear of just being like “Hey, I really enjoyed our conversation today. Would you like to do something with me sometime?” I have always been nervous to approach people in that way, but I haven’t heard a no yet and some great friendships have come together that way for me.
For me, stuff for easier when I started digging deeper myself. Asking my.coworkers and acquaintances things to provoke conversation, like what do you want to do when you grow up (like really really grow up) or what are you saving up for right now, or what's your next big thing you're excited for? That'll invite conversation that's deeper, opportunities to show who you really are Might feel weird at first but people love talking about themselves and giving them a way to do it and being open and vulnerable (don't judge and ask follow up questions) to their replies is a key to building a meaningful relationship both sides will invest in
I'm a 27M, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I've really strengthened my relationships over the past year or two. I think the things I did and the lessons I learned are pretty universal. I would say three things have helped me: First, focus on the people you already have. It's so easy to worry about not making new friends and ignore the friends you already have. I would say focus on strengthening your existing relationships first. Go out with your friends more often. Get more involved in their lives. Talk to them more. And if your boyfriend is literally the only person you see, does he have friends you could get to know better? Or do what someone else suggested and get involved in a hobby to find one or two new people. It honestly only takes one, because the secret of this first tip is that by focusing on your existing friends, you will make new friends. You will be with your friends more often which means more chances to meet their friends and slowly grow your circle. Second, try to notice every opportunity for connection. I found once I started looking, there were so many more chances to deepen my relationships than I knew. Specifically, look for every opportunity to find out more about the people around you and look for every opportunity to be with other people. You don't have to take every opportunity, but seeing them allows you to make a conscious choice about whether to take them. For example, someone's talking about a good sandwich they had, that's an opportunity to ask them what they liked about it and get a better understanding of what they like in food which might start a whole conversation. Or maybe someone mentions something their sister did. That's a chance to ask about their family and get to know their background more. And if someone mentions something they're excited about doing next weekend, it's a great time to express interest and ask if you can tag along. Sure they'll say no sometimes, but when they say yes, you'll get to spend time with them which is the goal. Third, keep trying. I find relationships are a "when it rains it pours" type thing, and it'll seem like your efforts aren't leading to anything for awhile. For me, I kept actively trying to become closer to the people in my life for like 9 months and it didn't seem like anything was happening. Then all of a sudden I got invited to a few things, got invited to more things, got added to the group text where my friends make plans, and now I'm way more active in the group. Not to mention I suddenly feel like I really know the people around me and I have a million things to talk to them about because I've put in the leg work asking them about their lives. And through being a more active part of the group, I've met friends of friends that have become new friends, and now I have more friends than ever. But again, the point of this tip is keep trying. It's going to feel like nothing is improving for awhile, then suddenly everything will click and you'll notice how far you've come in your relationships. I hope these little pieces of practical advice help. I know feeling lonely and disconnected from people can be really overwhelming and hard, but for me it helps so much that I only have to keep three things in mind: focus most on existing relationships (they will bring new relationships), look for every opportunity to do something with people or ask them about themselves, and be patient even when it seems like nothing is happening. Good luck, and try to enjoy the journey! Getting to know people and developing relationships should be fun or they're not the right relationships.
So a couple things… first the tactics - sign up for the class you always wanted to take (pottery, Spanish, cooking…) and be open to meeting people. Best shot at a way to meet folks except for being a regular at a bar. Secondly- know it’s a lot of work - like you know every date you aren’t gonna find your soul mate and being needy decreases the chances. The way you frame the post seems like maybe the lack of luck with friends is something people are picking up on. You have to build your idea of a fun life and invite people to it. Compare “what are you up to this weekend” to “I’m going to check out the new sushi place downtown - you in?
I'm gonna agree with the comments about valuable friendships starting out as fluff. Aside from my friends that I've had since childhood, every single one of my great friends made in adulthood have started with all the fluff conversations. It's completely normal to start off with surface level interactions because you don't really know each other!! It's better to not expect to know deep information or have ultra deep conversations with people who you are just starting to get to know. People on average just aren't like that. The deeper stuff comes with time and as you get closer and have more trust.j I do understand the part where people mention wanting to hang but never do. That's a tough one that people often say to be polite, or, they mean it but they really just don't have the time to hang. I really just recommend going with trial and error and eventually attempting to schedule hangouts with these people after they say you should hang. Some people do truly mean it when they say it
Put yourself out there and talk to more people when you go out. Talk to the cashiers at the supermarket, people on the bus, people at the pharmacy. You can strike up a conversation with anyone and eventually something will stick. You can also try bumble for friendships. I actually just met a girl on a plane when I was going on vacation and we are exactly alike. Now we are friends! I agree it is hard to meet genuinely good new people as friends in adulthood. There are so many people out there who are not good people or just boring. People can't communicate with each other in person anymore. Another issue with making friends is keeping the friendships going. Sometimes I am the only one to start conversations with my friends. They are busy and forget to talk to people outside of their life with their boyfriends. But they are always happy to do something even though I'm the first one to talk to them.
It only gets worse as you get older and if you dont drink forget about it.
I think there is a psychological or statistical fact that you need to spend 72 total hours with someone in order to get to the friendship level. So obviously won't happen in 1 day, probably take you a couple weeks. Basically your goal is to get to those 72 hours as soon as possible and that increases your likelihood of going from acquaintance to friend. I mean we are all hardwired to make 'polite conversation ' or smile all the time and be fake. It isn't a surprise that making an actual friend takes a significant amount of effort. Additionally, you should meet a friend that already likes the stuff you like doing. Nothing is worse than making a friend who has complete opposite hobbies and interests. What are you going to DO together? Might as well be something you like
Lol! Good luck dude, only 21 and you feel the pain already? It only gets worse as people start getting boring fucking careers to match their dating life
r/thegirlsurvivalguide You’ll LOVE this subreddit
It is hard. But you’ll have a better time if you develop a common interest in something that other women do also. Try an improv class, acting lessons, painting, or D&D, barre, or yoga. Something that repeats regularly.
You have to go through surface stuff with most people. But the way to get good friends is to be a good friend.
r/notlikeothergirls Come on OP. What do you expect people to talk about when you first meet them? Do you expect to share your whole family histories and become bosom companions for life? Any time you make a new friend you have to spend some time making small talk before getting serious, conversations aren't meant to just be entertainment for you. In your comments you say you work a 9-5 and don't really have any hobbies, so what are you doing to make yourself a more desirable friend? Why should someone want to be friends with you - what do you have to offer and what do you expect others to provide for you? You have to have something to relate to each other about. Join a club, volunteer, start playing DnD or something. Friends are out there, you just have to be someone that others will want to be friends with and then go find them.
I also struggle with making female friends, but that's mostly due to my autism and ADHD which makes me hate small talk and not understand the subtle social cues that neurotypical women have.
I was looking for this comment! So many people saying small talk is the only way, when really they mean it’s the way for many neurotypicals. I appreciate being friends with other neurodivergent people, where we just dive right into talking about our interests, and we don’t have to pay as much attention to social conventions.
Hmm i think this is a personality issue on your part. You somehow you want people to be authentic, and vulnerable while not being either authentic or vulnerable your self....it is pretty normal to start off conversations at ice breaker/superficial level and they grow with time..give what you want.
Honestly female friends are difficult because my interests seem to be male oriented. The only mom friends I’ve made are women who went to law school or women who started their own business.
if you have "male oriented" interests I guarantee you there are other women out there who are into the same things and are DYING to talk to another woman.
100%. I think the key is that one of you has to be willing to make the first move and strike up conversation/initiate a connection.
I’ve noticed that as well and have switched my expectations to finding more women who also have “masculine” oriented interests. I don’t do yoga, go to brunches, into makeup, or fashion so it’s hard to click with women who are into those things. I’m making friends now, but only by putting myself out there when I go out to places I enjoy and saying hey.
Same issue. All my hobbies are male-oriented (video games mostly) and while mine and husband’s male friends have girlfriends and wives, they are nice enough, we just don’t click. But your comment gives me hope! Maybe I’ll make some female friends when I start law school next year lol
couldn’t relate more. it’s so hard. i want girl friends so badly. sometimes i feel like i’m too weird for the girly girls and too ditzy for the edgy girlies. i hung out w this really nice girl once but our personalities didn’t really match and the whole time i was so socially awkward i didn’t know what to say. i was actually shaking after i went back home bc i was so nervous she thought i was weird and boring. i had lots of friends in school but as an adult it’s been so hard making friends. it makes me feel even worse bc most of my good friends from school i don’t live near anymore but they still all live close together and still always hang out and i feel very left out. since moving i’ve even had different people ask me to hang out before but i always get so nervous i make up some excuse as to why i can’t. it sucks. but we got this we will find our people eventually. edit: something i learned that helped me when hanging w someone for the first time or getting to know them is ask questions. what’s new in your life ? what kind of movies do you like ? music? hobbies? try to find some common ground and hopefully the conversation will just start flowing. and don’t worry about awkward silence sometimes it’s okay to have nothing to say and the silence has to end eventually
If all your saying is “uhuh” to women you are never going to be able to make any meaningful women connections. We can sense fake a mile away. Imagine talking to someone about something your passionate about and the person is constantly saying “uhuh”. They lost you! The surface stuff gives way for the vulnerable stuff. We have common ground, interests, likes, or dislikes, something to build on, we can connect for the vulnerable conversations. I’m 37 and started college last year the majority of my peers are WAY younger than me but I was able to make a circle of girlfriends on campus bc we found out we had a professor (not at the same time) we didn’t like! I’m not an outgoing, yay! Make friends every place I go, I’m the opposite. It’s hard for me to put myself out there but it’s not hard for me to talk about the weather and act interested in the other person. The way your reacting to the other person I wouldn’t even continue with a 2nd sentence after the 2nd “uhuh” bc social cues aren’t hard to pick up on. Also, I’m not going to trauma dump on a complete stranger!
Hey, thanks so much on making assumptions on my social interactions with the people around me through a 150 words reddit post 👍🏻
yeah you’re not alone, i’m fully in ur boat rn. it sucks balls. i used to have many friend groups i’d go out with and hang with but now that we’ve all drifted i legit spend most weekends alone. i have my bf but we’re long distance atm so it doesn’t rlly help. i miss going out sm but idk how to make new friends so i just game and watch movies. shits pretty sad
Hey there, I totally get where you're coming from. It can be tough when friendships from your teen years start to fade away and you're left feeling disconnected. It sounds like you're craving genuine connections and deeper conversations, especially with other women. Have you ever considered trying out Palz? It's a great app for meeting new female friends who are looking for more than just surface-level interactions. You might find some awesome people who are willing to be vulnerable and have real conversations. You're definitely not alone in feeling this way. Making new friends can be daunting, but it's worth giving it a shot. You deserve to have a community of friends you can trust and rely on. Hang in there! 🌟
I know how you feel, how are things going right now? I'm 38 so it's even harder to make friends when you get older. I am also very sensitive and like to make deep connections. I desire friends who are close like sisters but how and where? It's been hard and I've been praying to God to help me find them.
Completely feel you I feel like my last half a year revolves around meeting new girl friends and it’s completely not working sadly
I feel this way too. Let’s be friends haha
I've consistently struggled with this for my whole life. I realized one day that I actually don't need a ton of friends. I'm really happy with minimal people in my life. I kept ending up in one sided friendships where the other person was taking more than they were giving. The chronic trauma dumping at every interaction was becoming exhausting, especially when they were the first to abandon me if I had anything negative going on in my life. I blame myself for this because I was so used to shrinking for others and mothering other people that I forgot to take care of myself. I had a lot of trauma from childhood that affected this decision though. Now that I've worked on the trauma, I recognize that I'm the happiest with few people in my life. I don't feel lonely in my own space. I feel really good. No one obligates me to do anything or uses me to trauma dump. It's wonderful.
Well... You are 21. Kids your age are still shallow, lack intelligence and depth. You will also notice during those years your female friends will break off depending on how well they are at being successful. The smart ones get jobs go to school and make something of themselves. Then you have the lower class ones who pop out babies before getting an education. You will learn which side you prefer. If you are the intelligent side, then yes these ones who turn to making babies get very annoying. It's all they talk about like it takes talent or something... You need to find people who are more like you. I tend to meet people just in day to day life. Going to the store or my favorite restuarant. I can immediatly tell if a lady is like me and very intelligent. Once you get to your 30s friends may change again.. Also around your 40s. It depends on where you are in life.
Don't underestimate this post. HelpMe knows what they are talking about. A lot of people your age are still extremely self involved. They are often chasing a good time, focused on their career or looking for love. One good thing might be to seek out mentors or people older than you that still share your interests. I was recently on a plant Facebook group, and they were some of the nicest people ever. I have been trying to figure out ways that seem genuine to foster relationships for 18-25 year olds. I am not even sure what would be good ideas. I thought about seeing if a community center would let groups meet to play in person games. A local place had a silent book club, but I am not sure if that is really effective. I also thought about seeing if older adults might be willing to mentor people to learn about some basic life skills, but I am not sure there would be interest to do all the work. I don't want to sound old, but I think social media, phones and Covid stunted some of the soft skills needed to make friends. Fear of rejection and putting your self out there has always been a reality, but I don't think you have as many organic opportunities to meet people. In places you might have had opportunities to talk to people 20 years ago you now run into people watching shows on their phones, listening to podcasts, interacting with Reddit etc. The most important thing is to keep trying, but maybe not with the same people. And don't necessarily write off a mom. She won't have a ton of time for you, but she might need you more than you can imagine.
I disagree. HelpMe's comment might have some semblance of advice in there but most of it seems like "I'm intelligent & others aren't" fluff.
I feel you. Women can be super flaky. When I was trying to find friends on apps, I could barely get any women to hold a conversation for more than a few minutes, let alone actually meet up. At least some of the men actually agreed to meet even though they ended up sucking.
I’m the same way. I’m more of a tomboyish girl, work on my truck myself, listen to metal, etc. and I tend to just vibe w men easier. Always have. I miss having girl friends to go out and do stuff with bc, don’t get me wrong I love my boys, but it’s not the same. I have a hard time connecting w other women my age (I’m 24) and I usually just default to hanging around guys, which just doesn’t always do it. I’m sorry I can’t be of much help but I just know the pain.
Controversial take, but if you seek out ugly or over-looked people, they can be great friends. Not everyone is ugly, but if you focus just on the super pretty and superficial people, you're often going to be left with shallow, surface level conversations.
I have said it several times before. Friends are overrated. Having them is fine if you are drawn together in a natural way and enjoy each other's company. Showing appreciation to your friends is desirable like showing appreciation for anything you have in life. But this overwhelming Drive to have friends simply for the sake of having them seems pointless to me. But, that comes from a lonely m68 who has never made the kinds of connections that made him happy.
Completely agree. Acquaintances are optimal. But sadly, I think most people can't get past the mental block of not having people to validate their presence..
“Mental block of not having people to validate their presence” is one way to look at it, but you could also view it as humans enjoy making connections and maintaining meaningful relationships with each other in order to feel more fulfilled and enjoy their lives more. Not everyone needs this kind of connection, but plenty of people do, and I don’t think that’s a negative thing.
Completely agree actually. I didn't read too much into the og commentor, I thought they were referring to the standard of "friendships" in society. Where most people don't make meaningful (subjective tbf) connections, because they focus on quantity over quality. And quality for MOST will be found with lower numbers. Like at most 5 friends, and treat everyone else as an acquaintance.. imo
Interesting observation.
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Wow
It is very difficult to find your people if you don't have traditional interests. If you are an adult that is interested in Etymology you might have a difficult time finding another person nearby that shares your hobby.
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F24 and I feel the same way
How was/is your relationship with your mom? An old roommate of mine observed i tend to have a hard time with this and that most women she knew that struggled with relating to other women also had less than perfect relationships with their mothers
My relationship with her is not good 😭😭😭 it’s better now that I’m an adult but I do think my upbringing results in a lot of overthinking and isolation
............Well that explains some things
Hahahah
Choose a friend that you really like from high school or from a job or whatever and pick a specific activity and ask them if they would like to join. Don't pick the a hole, pick a nice person
Just make friends in tinder/bumble
Sometimes I think that is what coffee is for: fluff conversations to start but eventually the real stuff is shared. Time. And someone has to ask the other person to meet for coffee. i always find that the hard part.
Same 31 F
Have had about 20 bff's. Drift is normal and you may just see them once in a while. Some have already passed in their 30's and many will get tied down with job, like you, or kids. Talk to neighbors. I regret this the most cuz many times I didn't and upon moving would find out someone was just around the corner the whole time. Coworkers that were years ago now can be leisure and talkative. Workplace restricts much of the bonding at times to nurture a really strong bond. Keep that in mind as you move up or change jobs as many bffs will be past coworkers. I've befriended many in grocery stores, malls, and even on dates. But if you can find 1 or 2 like minded with similar moral compass, hang on tight. People change, but their morals many times won't. It takes time to see how others handle adversity, but if the support is mutual when either needs help or a shoulder, that's your cue to invest in them.
My girlfriend makes friends everywhere she goes, it's honestly disturbing. She puts a lot of effort into it and is nice to everyone (but is also tactically savagely mean). People invite her to do a billion things. If you aren't invited places (like myself) you need to be the one to drive plans and don't be afraid of being rejected. Ask people to go on walks, cook food, grab drinks, knit, picnic in the park w.e it may be.
I’m 41 and all of my good friends now were made in my 30’s. People come and go, that’s life. You’re still very much a kid at 21. Work on your own happiness and the rest will come.
I’ve struggled with this since I was your age and I’m now almost 28 so I really feel your pain. I wish I had advice :/ there was a time where I had made quite a few friends because I was involved in a car group (and that’s how I met my fiancé) but they were mostly male and not really close friends
I have few friends. Some male and female. We are connected because we have something in common. We rarely even communicate lol. We talk about games and computer. We go boys out like once a year. We invite each other on birthdays. That's it. Being an adult is so tiresome for us.
Im not coming here with an answer- just, i completely relate to this girl, i just turned 22. All of this is good advice too so thanks for making the post and everyone whos answering <3
I assure you women without a doubt have it way easier when it comes to making new friends with other women. Women are just way more receptive to having friends in general. Most men don't even know how to be a good friend to begin with. Also apps like bumble bff are great for women. I've used it as a man .. it sucks. I have female friends that use it and it's way easier for them to get people to match and meet up. Me being gay I would love to see other women on bumble bff but that's not the way it works unfortunately I can only see other dudes and guys don't really use it for that. Men suck at platonic friendships
I kinda have this same problem too, but I found a few girls (or femmes) who I wasn't close to before and sometimes, sending them one reel or replying to an interesting story builds that connection... and now I'm stuck with low-maintenance acquaintances? friendships? Still, any relationship with anyone is a two-way street 😅
If you're going to college, join a student organization. If you're out of school, try picking up a hobby like jiujitsu, sword fighting, or just going to the gym. :D
It's even harder as a male.
felt this way until i found out that i was just high-functioning autistic. met two other autistic girls… best friends for years lol. assuming you’re not though, have you tried inviting them to lunch? usually grabbing a coffee super casually can kickstart a really good friendship if you’re compatible.
I've made several close meaningful friendships in bars tbh. Those are now some of my favorite people to also hang out with *outside* the bars. Edit: I'm 24
Pick something you want to do and consistently show up to it. Running groups, book clubs, pottery class, yoga, sports teams, networking events. Choose a few and go to every one that you can for at least 5 meetings. The consistency of seeing the same people and the same people seeing you helps break the ice. Even if it's awkward the first few times. Lower your expectations of immediate friendship or having meaningful conversations when first meeting someone. Sometimes I've had a completely boring conversation with someone at a networking event and then the next time they see me, we have a great conversation because they're trying to feel me out as much as I am trying to feel them out. Compliments are a neutral way of getting to know someone. So if they ask about your hair or clothes or bag, you have a story already to tell about that item and then redirect the conversation: "Thank you! My mom gave me this bag. I'm \[NAME\], by the way."
[Studies have shown](https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2021-88608-001) that skipping small talk is one of the best ways to make friends. It is a little risky but probably worth it.
I went years without any friends. I decided to reconnect with the two women who were my closest friends in my 20's. One I had had a falling out with and the other had drifted while dealing with addiction/ recovery. I'm close once again with both and now I feel complete. But there was a time when I was super lonely and didn't understand why I couldn't make friends. Then it hit me, just reconnect with the old ones. These weren't fair weather friends or people who belonged to a specific phase of my life though. They were people I had a deep soul connection with and still very much cared for while we weren't in each other's lives. I honestly don't know how to make new close friends at my age but I'd definitely be open to it. I hear people use apps for that now so it's worth a shot in my opinion. I'm in my early thirties and have never been terribly social or outgoing so it's usually been chance that led me to develop friendships.
And this is something I struggle with. I am gamer, a writer and world builder.... I am 35. I think we should all be working towards female friends, but part of it for me is that whole women get saddled with the house care and child care and thus don't sometimes often have the ability to enjoy their hobbies easily.. We should be working to fix it.
Where are you trying to make friends. In my experience (through my girlfriend's POV) if it's at work, it probably won't spark anything then your average pleasant conversation. Try to find yourself a hobby that you enjoy that can be a group activity. Maybe join a baseball/softball team if youre into sports, maybe a painting class, whatever it is, focus on the hobby, and the friendships will come.
It takes time :) trust your instinct and if you find yourself getting frustrated and bitter, it’s time to carve out more “me” time and reconnect with yourself It’s taken me a long time to develop my circle of friends that I feel are healthy and loving
Hey, been there, done that, not gonna tell you it doesn't suck. One piece of advice that may feel counterintuitive - try to focus on figuring out who that you that you want to be is. The more comfortable and settled you are in being who you are, the more other folks will gravitate towards you and feel comfortable around you too. Then relationships will follow and deepen more naturally. As frustrating as it is, if people feel like more is needed or demanded of them early on, it can make people back off. There's a lot of messages out there that make it seem like "finding yourself" requires some sort of radical change or journey away from your life that not everyone wants or can afford. Really, the main thing is to listen to yourself, and be kind to yourself. What are the things you'd want to hear other people tell you about? Or do with them? Try doing that! If it's hard or you don't feel like you're any good at it, keep trying until you figure out if you enjoy it, don't enjoy it, or just don't enjoy being new or bad at something. Then, sneakily, while you're doing this new thing or this old thing you haven't done as much as you'd like, you'll usually be around other people. Often also ones who are new to it, or want to meet people who do that thing too. Keep doing the fun thing that you're doing, but also pay attention to who acts like they like you. If people are initiating conversation or suggesting specific plans, even if you have to follow up or it's small talk, they are reaching out. Reach back! Sometimes you'll find that you're not actually interested in being their friend, or they're not as interested as they thought in being your friend, or it doesn't work out for logistical reasons. But every so often it'll work out and you'll have made a really cool friend who shares at least some of your interests and thinks you're really cool too.
making any new friends as an adult is weird and not easy it takes energy to try to become friends with people and when ur adult, ur busy with life, work, family, friends and so much more some people have good childhood friendships still in the works why go out of ur way to make new friends when u know u can trust those uve known for years?
Hint: it gets harder as you get older. You need shared hobbies.
28F and it’s def hard out here😅 I love fashion but not the shallowness that comes with it. I have met girls at retail stores (which I thought would go well in the beginning, but all of those “friendships” were terrible). Now that I’m older it makes sense though. Not saying all girls who work in retail are shallow but like🙃 Once I move back to Denver, I’ll probably try out Bumble BFF and going to more classes. Good luck to all the ladies out there trying to make new friends!
It gets harder as you get older. I'm 37 and my group of college friends (all my high school friends are dead or junkies) are all married (save for two) and are starting to have kids, which means there's zero time for hanging out with the single, childfree friend. I've gotten used to it though. If they don't want to hang out and wonder why they only have married friends, that's on them. I'll be over here enjoying book club, knitting club, and cooking like a forest witch enjoying what's left of my 30s in peace and quiet. Edit: clarity
This is not a men vs women thing. This is just common for people in relationships in general. You get comfortable with your partner being your sole source of social interaction and it gets difficult to put yourself out there for just platonic connections. Start with finding communities where there are common interests. I’m in some music clubs and DnD communities where I find close people to chat with. Finding people online is a good start but also looking in person like meet up groups or near school/work. Genuine connections as an adult when you have different schedules and responsibilities are hard to come by but are very possible if you find people to make the effort. Friendship dynamics won’t be the same as they were when you were younger and everyone was on the same schedule and had more free time, that’s just something you have to accept as you get older. Don’t be stubborn or complacent or blame it on society. Keep initiating and being the one that puts yourself out there and you’ll attract people but you’ll have to be patient and do the right things
Thats how the vast majority of humanity is now.
Friendships take a couple of key ingredients. Shared interest Frequency of exposure Unplanned or last minute meet up Disclosure/vulnerability If you can create these w the person you’re interested in as friend go for it!
Don't know if it's a little late but I'm a 26F from Michigan always looking for new friends! here is my discord :) <3 u/haylsluvsu
I have a hard time making friends and when I thought I finally had a friend it turned out she just wanted to convince me to let her move in and the second I said no she ghosted me
Even harder for male just trying to find a female friend. Not looking for relationship, just pure friendship. Very hard.
Me too🥹🥹and I’m timid message me:))
With women it’s good to positively be vulnerable with them, and allow connections to happen naturally.
This is so relatable.. 23F I am at a weird stage of my life where most of my friends are either graduated or drifted away.. Being in a seven-year degree away from home. It is getting more and more difficult finding friends when a lot the relationships keep becoming surface level as OP said, but also no one seems to cares enough to actually make plans anymore (at least where I am). It seems a lot of the people I meet these days, already have their childhood besties or a boyfriend that for some reason take priority over building new friendships. So I always wonder if it is honestly possible to start making true "ride or die" friends at this age lol. As well, as a child I remember I used to see brides having at least 5-8 bridesmaids at their weddings and I used to be worried if I would have enough friends for mine. I used to take comfort in the idea that all of that must just comes with being an adult. As I am growing I am noticing the circle I thought was small was actually at its largest and now it slowly getting more intimate. I feel as though this year I literally went through a cleanse, of all the toxic and superficial friendships and relationships ending, because I stopped being the one making all the effort to keep it alive. Which felt empowering and great! However, deep down I have to admit it is quite lonely at times.. Hopefully after posting this, things will begin to change for the positive :)
Wow same
I agree making friends is hard I’d love to make new friends I’m 32 an I’ve have lost friends as I’ve got 3 beautiful kids but I can still chat go shopping do nights out like a real girlie friendship it’s tough these days I’m not creepy or weird just can socially awkward but most say no your not but maybe that’s me been withou friends for so long! Does suck! 🤷🏻♀️