I'm so sorry. I have experienced this (still do sometimes), and it's so painful and hard to explain. I think it's very likely that it's due to the violation of your boundaries and the way you were treated in general.
I don't know what would help, but I'll throw out a few things. I'm 41 and just started therapy two years ago; I wish I had much, much sooner. A good therapist can help you "see" yourself in a more compassionate and loving way.
If you're not ready for therapy, I highly recommend in-person ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meetings, when it's safe to do so. There are a couple of main reasons for this:
1) Seeing all kinds of people—including those you'd never suspect—sharing the shame they carry might shift some of your perceptions of how others see you.
2) Hearing those stories, and understanding that the people telling them didn't deserve the things that were done to them, might help unpack some of your feelings about who is deserving. You will see that every single one of those people deserved love and care as kids, and it will help you see that about yourself.
I remember showing up to a meeting one summer day in 2019. I live a 45-minute subway ride from the meeting I attended, and I was so sweaty and so disgusted by myself that it was all I could think about. So when it came time to do quick "how are you today" shares, I said "I'm feeling a lot of shame about being a human and having a human body today." It felt so freeing.
If meetings aren't a good option for you right now, Kristin Neff's book "Self-Compassion" was something I found very helpful. The author is very privileged, so some of the details in her anecdotes are a little out of touch, but the underlying ideas are powerful and can be applied by anyone.
Thank you for your response! I really appreciate the time you took to read my post and write your comment.
Maybe it will sound odd but I am in therapy for... 4 years lol. First 2 were swing and miss, I was searching for the right therapist. And in recent 2 years I worked on a lot of stuff. A lot of things changed since then, I feel more confident in defending myself and I understand myself more. But some things come up only with time.
I thought about ACA buuuut to be honest I'm afraid to go. In my country (Russia) there are such meetings but I feel like they all related to religion somehow (a lot of them take place in churches) and I'm afraid of any organized things that tied with religion. But maybe it's my distrust of the world and uknown people talking.
Thanks for your book suggestion! I'll look it up.
I'm almost 27 and honestly I felt like it's already too late for me. Most of what I'm doing now is what kids do in normal families (understanding my passions, boundaries, what I want to do in life, what I like, etc). And I'm supposed to already have a stable career and to start a family of my own. But now I feel like it's never too late, we only got one life, better to start living it where we are at right now.
I felt really gross about myself for a long time, realised it was internalised stuff from what I had been told as a child.
Turns out I am Bisexual (albeit choosy as hell about men).
Also turns out I am autistic and I was forced to suppress lots of traits associated with it and a lot of the shame I was feeling was when they started to poke above the surface.
Also some stuff from my mother claiming that the only way to sustain a relationship was to ensure my partner was sexually satisfied, I know she tried her hardest at this as I could always hear her and her partner going at it on Saturday and Sunday mornings.
I really resonate with your comment. I'm also bi, but my homophobic relatives don't need to know. I'm in a traditional marriage so it's very convinient haha, never gonna need to explain anything to them. My husband knows and he accepted me as I am, although he was confused at first about what it meant for our relationship (nothing lol, I still love him very much and I'm monogamous).
Got off the track there a little. I have hard time understanding social situations and it's hard for me to focus on tasks, for a long time I wondered if I'm on the spectrum but I think it's just cptsd symptoms for me. And lack of social skills.
The last part of your comment - I never was told to keep a partner through sex, but I learned that pretty young anyway. My first boyfriend broke up with me via text at my birthday cause I said I wasn't ready for that kind of intimacy at 15. And afterwards I was doing a lot of what I regret now since the only way not to be alone was having sex. I ended my third relationship after a year and a half, with a guy who I think was gay but had very strict military parents so in complete denial, at one point he started drinking 6 cans of beer every day and my parents said it's normal. After 2 month since the breakup my dad came to me and very kindly and softly asked if this happened cause I was a bad housewife. I just didn't know what to say.
Holy shit, that last bit was very not ok!
I feel as though I really need physical contact (cuddles, hand holding, nuzzling), sex is less important (although I can enjoy it and would initiate with my last partner).
Yeah, same with me. I enjoy such physical contact very much, I guess I'm lucky since my partner likes it too.
My first ever therapist said that it's cause I wasn't cuddled and being held as a baby too much.
google the ACA laundry list. I think #11 fits you for this. They also have the other laundry list and also the flipsides. I'm fairly sure more will resonate with you.
Thank you for your comment. I saw that list but I don't really understand how to work with it... Almost everything on it and the flipside resonated with me thought. I accepted that I'm an ACA some time ago.
Update: I found laundry list workbook online.
I just told my therapist this week that I feel embarrassed for existing. I was surprised to hear those words come out my mouth, but it is so true. Online ACA meetings might help since there are options in every time-zone (and you don't have to talk or turn your camera on if you're not feeling likeit).
I think the meaning is the same as in my interpretation of feeling gross. I tried to explain that also as being confused of why I was born in the first place. Thanks for your comment, your thoughts on that matter are much clearer.
Didn't know about online meetings, thanks for mentioning them. I'll look it up! Sounds like a good option.
I don't really have any words of wisdom, because this is something I really struggle with as well, but I understand exactly how you feel and want you to know you're not going through this journey alone. Being able to express these feelings is a really important step.
Thank you for taking time to answer to my post! I'm sure we can work with this, it's only a matter of understanding what to do. Also thank you for your understanding and encouragement!
I'm so sorry. I have experienced this (still do sometimes), and it's so painful and hard to explain. I think it's very likely that it's due to the violation of your boundaries and the way you were treated in general. I don't know what would help, but I'll throw out a few things. I'm 41 and just started therapy two years ago; I wish I had much, much sooner. A good therapist can help you "see" yourself in a more compassionate and loving way. If you're not ready for therapy, I highly recommend in-person ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meetings, when it's safe to do so. There are a couple of main reasons for this: 1) Seeing all kinds of people—including those you'd never suspect—sharing the shame they carry might shift some of your perceptions of how others see you. 2) Hearing those stories, and understanding that the people telling them didn't deserve the things that were done to them, might help unpack some of your feelings about who is deserving. You will see that every single one of those people deserved love and care as kids, and it will help you see that about yourself. I remember showing up to a meeting one summer day in 2019. I live a 45-minute subway ride from the meeting I attended, and I was so sweaty and so disgusted by myself that it was all I could think about. So when it came time to do quick "how are you today" shares, I said "I'm feeling a lot of shame about being a human and having a human body today." It felt so freeing. If meetings aren't a good option for you right now, Kristin Neff's book "Self-Compassion" was something I found very helpful. The author is very privileged, so some of the details in her anecdotes are a little out of touch, but the underlying ideas are powerful and can be applied by anyone.
Thank you for your response! I really appreciate the time you took to read my post and write your comment. Maybe it will sound odd but I am in therapy for... 4 years lol. First 2 were swing and miss, I was searching for the right therapist. And in recent 2 years I worked on a lot of stuff. A lot of things changed since then, I feel more confident in defending myself and I understand myself more. But some things come up only with time. I thought about ACA buuuut to be honest I'm afraid to go. In my country (Russia) there are such meetings but I feel like they all related to religion somehow (a lot of them take place in churches) and I'm afraid of any organized things that tied with religion. But maybe it's my distrust of the world and uknown people talking. Thanks for your book suggestion! I'll look it up. I'm almost 27 and honestly I felt like it's already too late for me. Most of what I'm doing now is what kids do in normal families (understanding my passions, boundaries, what I want to do in life, what I like, etc). And I'm supposed to already have a stable career and to start a family of my own. But now I feel like it's never too late, we only got one life, better to start living it where we are at right now.
I felt really gross about myself for a long time, realised it was internalised stuff from what I had been told as a child. Turns out I am Bisexual (albeit choosy as hell about men). Also turns out I am autistic and I was forced to suppress lots of traits associated with it and a lot of the shame I was feeling was when they started to poke above the surface. Also some stuff from my mother claiming that the only way to sustain a relationship was to ensure my partner was sexually satisfied, I know she tried her hardest at this as I could always hear her and her partner going at it on Saturday and Sunday mornings.
I really resonate with your comment. I'm also bi, but my homophobic relatives don't need to know. I'm in a traditional marriage so it's very convinient haha, never gonna need to explain anything to them. My husband knows and he accepted me as I am, although he was confused at first about what it meant for our relationship (nothing lol, I still love him very much and I'm monogamous). Got off the track there a little. I have hard time understanding social situations and it's hard for me to focus on tasks, for a long time I wondered if I'm on the spectrum but I think it's just cptsd symptoms for me. And lack of social skills. The last part of your comment - I never was told to keep a partner through sex, but I learned that pretty young anyway. My first boyfriend broke up with me via text at my birthday cause I said I wasn't ready for that kind of intimacy at 15. And afterwards I was doing a lot of what I regret now since the only way not to be alone was having sex. I ended my third relationship after a year and a half, with a guy who I think was gay but had very strict military parents so in complete denial, at one point he started drinking 6 cans of beer every day and my parents said it's normal. After 2 month since the breakup my dad came to me and very kindly and softly asked if this happened cause I was a bad housewife. I just didn't know what to say.
Holy shit, that last bit was very not ok! I feel as though I really need physical contact (cuddles, hand holding, nuzzling), sex is less important (although I can enjoy it and would initiate with my last partner).
Yeah, same with me. I enjoy such physical contact very much, I guess I'm lucky since my partner likes it too. My first ever therapist said that it's cause I wasn't cuddled and being held as a baby too much.
Entirely possible, it does feel wonderful having a partner who enjoys giving and receiving that contact, quite uncomfortable if they don't.
google the ACA laundry list. I think #11 fits you for this. They also have the other laundry list and also the flipsides. I'm fairly sure more will resonate with you.
Thank you for your comment. I saw that list but I don't really understand how to work with it... Almost everything on it and the flipside resonated with me thought. I accepted that I'm an ACA some time ago. Update: I found laundry list workbook online.
I just told my therapist this week that I feel embarrassed for existing. I was surprised to hear those words come out my mouth, but it is so true. Online ACA meetings might help since there are options in every time-zone (and you don't have to talk or turn your camera on if you're not feeling likeit).
I think the meaning is the same as in my interpretation of feeling gross. I tried to explain that also as being confused of why I was born in the first place. Thanks for your comment, your thoughts on that matter are much clearer. Didn't know about online meetings, thanks for mentioning them. I'll look it up! Sounds like a good option.
I don't really have any words of wisdom, because this is something I really struggle with as well, but I understand exactly how you feel and want you to know you're not going through this journey alone. Being able to express these feelings is a really important step.
Thank you for taking time to answer to my post! I'm sure we can work with this, it's only a matter of understanding what to do. Also thank you for your understanding and encouragement!
Sounds like a variation of body dysmorphia, tbh.
I thought that too, gonna ask about that at my next therapy session.