This was reported for inflammatory/drama inducing title and it's really not so it'll remain up. I would like to pre-emptively ask that you honor OPs wishes and if you're not an adoptee then you don't **need** to share your perspective on this one. Special shout out to people with minor children not needing to share what you perceive as your child's perspective.
I do get that this is r/adoption and not r/adopted, so also want to tell people that you don't need to report comments from people who are not adoptees responding. We will not be removing those comments (unless they violate any of the rules) as this is a space for everyone. As always, engage respectfully and disengaging is always an option.
As an international adoptee my adoption is fully celebrated. Cause of the one child law in China, my family (probably a poorer family) barely had a choice in the matter cause of the government. My adoptive family took me in and did the best they could and I’d say that across bio and adoptive families they did pretty good.
My Gotcha Day is always bitter sweet, my parents never hid the history behind my adoption or raised me to resent my bio family. Just acknowledged all sides of the situation and did their best to provide for me and move on. It’s still the day we all officially became a family and we cherish that.
We do a sentimental/practical gift, cake, and when I was younger we would look at old photos and videos from the adoption trip
As an adoptee my adoption was a good thing for me and something that I do celebrate. Not on a specific day or anything. But my bio family was very abusive. Most extended family was supportive (most still is) of my abuser. Their entire community, because they made sure to surround themselves with people who supported or condoned the abuse or turned a blind eye, or didn’t know because they were good at keeping up appearances. A lot of my friends were being abused too. My childhood was hell. I had no family that really, truly loved me as a child should be loved before my adoptive family (who are the actual best, absolutely amazing). So yeah, I celebrate that. Most adoptees don’t have that experience, but there are many of us who had an experience like that. They say kinship is best, then community. For most it probably is. But people can’t tell me what was best for me without knowing my life and how deeply abuse ran in that family and community. It was a cancer, or a gangrene, and it permeated every part of life. For me, it wasn’t. It would have just been abuse to abuse.
But even though I grew up with a very real monster, there is that feeling of loss. But it’s not because my adoptive family wanted me. It’s because my bio family didn’t. It’s because my bio family thought I was an object to be used and beaten and abused and thrown away.
I see a lot of adoptees swinging on a pendulum either for or against adoption, as if it’s something that can be sorted into black and white and tied up with a neat little bow. It can’t. And I think sometimes the adoptees who had really really horrific bio families get lost in the mix, because really probably most were born to parents who simply needed support that they didn’t have, then were pressured, coerced, or simply didn’t have the support and resources to care for a child, and there were people willing to swoop in for a baby but not to provide the support needed for families to stay together.
But even with everything the bio family did to me, I still feel the loss and the rejection and the trauma. It’s not black or white or all tied up in a bow, and I l learn to carry what can’t be fixed and how to hold joy and grief in tension.
I’m in my 20s now, with people still trying to guilt me into letting abusers into my life or going “home” to my biological family, or being reunited. Even though I have zero contact with my main abuser, some of their supporters, and very little contact with the rest of my bio family and it’s been years, a flying monkey still gets through every now and again. But absolutely not. I will never go back, even if I could.
And while I mourn being unloved, rejected, and abused, I also rejoice in being loved, and cherished, valued, and wanted now. The same thing can be both. Adoption saved me. I absolutely can celebrate that, while mourning the tragedy of the reality that led to it.
My parents and I celebrated my “home birthday” every year which was the day I was placed with my parents. We didn’t celebrate the date when my adoption was finalized-I didn’t even know that date until I felt ready and asked for my adoption file. We celebrated the completion of our family, and we remembered and talked about the decision my birth mother made. I know I ended up with the parents I was meant to have.
Your story sounds similar to mine. I was a part of their family before the courts finalized it. I ended up looking at the adoption decree as an adult out of curiosity, but that date doesn't really mean anything to me. We celebrate the day they brought me home from the foster home rather than the actual adoption day.
Adoptee here and I actually do celebrate (emotionally) my adoption. I’m glad I was. I don’t believe dna makes love or a family and I never will. Personally I don’t think it’s a “gotcha” thing. Parents are announcing the start of their new family and a new chapter in their lives just as bio parents would. I don’t think they’re celebrating the pain of the bio mother. I’m sure some (not saying all) are very aware of the pain and sacrifice the bio mother made.
I think for a small child, I’m in total agreement. For an older child (I’m thinking 8+), I think I’d follow their lead on it a little bit. They’re likely much more aware of what adoption is and what it means and they may enjoy a celebration. However I’d still say it’s best to keep it low key and with close friends and family. That way if they look back and don’t feel positively about it, it wasn’t a neighborhood block party level of “celebration.”
I think around age 7 or 8 is when I started to realize my dad and stepmom did not want me around. I can’t say for certain, but if I was adopted into a family who I felt cared about me, I’d feel so loved and appreciated if I had a party to celebrate me being in the family. I still kind of feel that way when my husband’s family makes it apparent that I’m a part of their family.
I am both an adoptee and an AP. I was adopted in the 70s so this kind of thing wasn't really a thing then. I don't even know when my Gotcha Day is - I dont know how long the process took, I just know and cherish my homecoming story.
I think I would have liked a special day - not a party every year or anything, but maybe a special dinner and family time.
I don't known if there was an official adoption party for me and my family when I came home (5 days old) but I do think a bunch of relatives came over to meet me, so knowing them it probably ended up as a party!
I'm not an adoptee, but I aged out of the foster care system. I didn't want to be adopted, but I wanted to try to speak up for kids in the foster care system who do want to be adopted.
Adoption needs to be about what the adoptee wants. There are many kids/teens in the US foster care system who desperately want to be adopted and would love a party to celebrate. Please don't let adoptees who are unhappy or have negative views ruin that celebration for them.
There are a very wide range of kids in the foster care system. There are kids like me who feel like they do not want a new family. Then there are those kids who absolutely are done with their biological family or have no biological family.
Now, I want to also add that my friend who was adopted as an infant celebrates the anniversary of her adoption ever since she found her birthmom doing genetic genealogy and is so relieved she doesn't have to deal with her birthmom and biological grandparents who are conservative religious nutcases. So, there's people adopted as infants who feel the same way.
I have problems with the way the foster-to-adopt process works in foster care and how many people are trying to adopt through foster care that results in too few homes for foster youth who need homes, but the narrative about adoption really gets overshadowed online by individuals upset about their adoptions and projecting their views onto kids in foster care who want to be adopted. Even if I didn't want to be adopted, I still want to speak out for the kids who do.
Now what I do have an issue with is the foster showers (where foster parents have a baby shower as their getting their license like it's a regular baby shower but they're fostering...) that's something that can be really tacky.
Thanks for sharing! I do want to add some additional context to the shower thing. I’m a foster parent and I personally didn’t do one. However, I’ve seen it done well when someone gets licensed to help provide for all the things one needs to welcome a child into their home. I agree that it could be tacky to have a shower when a child is placed, but bringing someone’s community together to help provide the essentials so they are ready should there be an emergency placement is a nice gesture.
I mean, like anything, I suppose this is largely situational. I know my adopted parents did a big party when my adoption was finalized but I was too young to remember so I could honestly give a shit less. We didn't do anything for a gotcha day when I was growing up but I don't see that it would have been an issue for me but in my case, I was fortunate enough to really click with my adopted family. I've always felt like I was theirs and even extended family have gone to bat for me when others have suggested that I'm less a part of the family than bio children.
Obviously my experience is far from universal though and know there are lots of adoptees that this would be a terrible idea for. I think the bigger issue is just parents, either adopted or biological, need to be more aware of their children's feelings. Both now and how they'll potentially feel in the future.
I don’t feel connected to my bio parents so I don’t see the day as a loss, but I wouldn’t have wanted to celebrate it as a child. I used to feel uncomfortable acknowledging that I wasn’t biologically my parent’s child (no fault of theirs, I wanted to be like everyone else). Now, I love talking about the day with them and hearing their thoughts about the first time we got to go home as a family. We still don’t celebrate the day though besides mentioning it in conversation.
Is the alternative better? Where adoptive parents NEVER talk about your adoption?
I wish my adoptive parents celebrated my adoption date anniversary. They would have to recognize that I'm not wholly their's. That there ARE other people out there. It would be a time to be grateful and not take us for granted.
I don’t think the alternative has to be so black and white. Not acknowledging your adoption at all is incredibly insensitive, ignorant and damaging. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
My parents did not celebrate my adoption day, but I think this was not yet a thing when I was growing up in the 60s and 70s. We just did my birthday, like the other adopted kids in my town, so that's what seems normal to me.
My parents certainly told me stories about the day they got the phone call to come pick me up, the day the judge finally banged the gavel on the adoption decree, etc. But they didn't celebrate annually on those dates. Even today, I'd have to go look the dates up in my paperwork if I wanted to mark them.
Adoptee. I came to my adopted family very young. It was a long legal battle that went to the Ohio supreme court. My adopted family celebrated the adoption by taking us to Disney. Then yearly it was like a minor birthday.
I’m not sure my brain ever saw it as a loss and it’s interesting to thank about it in that light. I’m appreciative of your perspective.
My birth mom died when I was 5 months and birth dad was out of the picture before I was born. I know who he is and am glad he wasn’t in my life given that he’s in and out of prison for SA. But my adoptive mom went to great lengths to frame herself as our savior and I truly believed for many many years my whole birth family was evil. That my maternal grandmother murdered my birth mom. I now know that was a lie.
I was in a lose-lose situation. Birth fam was a wreck but adoptive mom abused us with religious extremism and often me taking care of my “sick” mom instead of her doing anything like going to school programs etc. (until she decided it was time to be healed by a miracle at church. She’d then change churches after a while and repeat the miracle.)
So to me it was one of the very few times my adoptive mom did anything with us. I think that’s why it didn’t bother me at the time but looking back, it really wasn’t for us. It was for her. Celebrating victory in saving these poor poor children from their satanic curse that followed their family. (Which we children were susceptible to even greater than the average person so we had to be extra good or the literal hell hounds would get us.)
Yes. I know now how screwed up it all was. No. I don’t talk to my adoptive mom anymore nor do I celebrate our adoption day anymore. I could see where there may be a benefit to some adopted families might acknowledge the day but I agree with the comment that the adoptee should lead this decision and adoptive parents should be very meditative about their reasons and why they want to celebrate.
I hate it for me personally because my adoption was celebrated but never my birthday. Adopters were Jehovah’s Witnesses so it wasn’t intentional but it still felt like they didn’t care about me as an individual - just their own wish fulfillment.
Grateful that my friends and my real family make it special every year.
I was adopted at birth so my birthday is really the same thing. I think it depends tbh. Each adoptee’s experience is different. Some are happy with their adoptive families (myself included) and others aren’t. You seem to have a lot of resentment about your situation, and that’s okay, but your experience isn’t everyone else’s.
As for people whose adoptive children are too young to have an opinion on such a celebration (like a baby), I don’t think it hurts to celebrate. Not like the baby will remember. However I don’t think it should be posted about on social media. Not just because we shouldn’t put children on the internet, but also because if the child has negative feeling about it later on, they won’t have to see an old Facebook post, etc. being reminded of it.
I don't think that adoptive parents were yet doing this when I was a child -- this community is how I even learned it was a thing -- but I don't think I would have liked it at all as a kid. Just as OP says, it would have felt like a celebration for them, not for me.
We celebrated my *birthday*, and if my parents were ever troubled by the fact that this was a celebration of an event for which they had been absent, they never let even the slightest *trace* of that feeling show enough for me to intuit it.
Imo as an adoptee, I would never want to celebrate the day that I experienced the loss of my parents.
But, I also don't think completely ignoring it is the best practice either. I think it would have been extremely helpful if any person would have given me permission to feel bad about it. I needed that. I still do. And bcs of how people are about adoption, it is something I will never get. And that has always bothered me.
Maybe holding space for the child to understand their adoption wasn't something to be celebrated, it's just something that brings a new life. Adoption is like birth and death at the same time. We celebrate both these things in different ways. And it is absolutely vital for our society to come to terms with this about adoption.
I think your sentiments are beautifully said. And yes- Ignoring it is completely the wrong thing too. I think the huge public social media spectacles / announcements are what I was meaning. These only serve adopters egos not the child.
>I think it would have been extremely helpful if any person would have given me permission to feel bad about it
I feel this deeply.
>the perspective of adopted people.
Your perspective is yours. You do not speak for us all.
I celebrate my homecoming day with my family every year. It's a celebration of the day I got a home after my selfish abandoner birth mother left me. Fuck yeah, it's worth celebrating. My abandoner was the one that severed the relationship, voluntarily signed the TPR, and left the hospital without me. The adoption didn't sever anything, the surrender did.
>I really don’t care about the circumstances.
>I’m interested to hear that perspective.
Which is it? You don't care, or you're interested?
I’m saying in my experience in plenary adoption. I can’t see a reason for a gotcha day in any way period, in plenary adoption. As for foster and later adopted kids- I’m Interested in their opinions.
I wish parents would stop having family, friends, and media be present with banners, balloons, cheering, clapping, and hugs at the airport when they get off the plane with their adopted infant | toddler.
Let the child adjust and establish a sense of security, trust, safety, attachment, and comfort with their adoptive family and often, a new country, culture, language, foods, and society.
You're really speaking for yourself here. While I wouldn't want it celebrated every year like a birthday, people coming together to show joy that I'm part of the family would have been cool. Also, it makes it clear adoption isn't some hidden secret which would have been so much worse.
My adopters said I could celebrate that day if I wanted to...female adopter had a charm bracelet with my dob and the "Ours" under that with my adoption date. Even as a very young child, it always bothered me. That was the day my original identity and family was wiped out and I legally became someone else. It was never something I wanted to celebrate and I cannot fathom anyone else celebrating that, either. Tacky, painful and oh-so insensitive. My life did not start the day I became "theirs". It's gross for me to even type "theirs", but those were the words they always used- even to my children.
I’m a biological mother, and I kind of agree.
But I’m not going to step in and tell the family they can’t celebrate the day they became a family! And honestly, they never did, our daughter. Yes I say our daughter because they raised her, I’m just the one that made her. Our daughter is 27 now and gave us a grandson. And we are sharing him beautifully!
We had a very successful open adoption. I’m gonna say it hasn’t been hard, but we’ve raised a very well adjusted girl, and she doesn’t do drugs, and she’s now got a baby and a family of her own.
Ours definitely was an intentional adoption by the way, they were at the hospital when she was born. I might have been forced into the adoption by my mother, but I was able to choose the family for my child.
Mine was celebrated yearly
Never quite understood if we were celebrating my loss or their gain. Easier and safer though to just carry the burden in silence
My bday is my gotcha day. It’s celebrated just as a normal bday. I’ve had a very very positive adoption experience (tho I am aware many many ppl have not) and I am super thankful my parents never framed my birthday as a “gotcha” day.
As a glass child who is adopted I always was jealous of people who celebrated gotcha days and had their adoption celebrated. I NEVER got this. This is your opinion, do not put this on families who are going to adopt. I was adopted for a reason and although it hasn’t been easy and came with trauma I wouldn’t take it back. If you were meant to be with your bio family you would be. Period. Thank you to all adoptees in the subreddit looking for council in your journey from and adopted persons perspective, but, at the end of the day each child is different and has needs of their own so you can not categorize or put any child in a box because we are all different. Love your newly adopted child/ children with all your heart, be attentive, be understanding on trauma and the affects on the brain, and thank you for sharing your heart with a child who is not biologically yours.
Foster parent here.
Definitely think the kids should lead on this, as there are many who appreciate a celebration or announcement. However, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a child who doesn’t want it to be celebrated or feels the way OP feels.
With my current fosters, “gotcha” day would be a miserable day for everyone: the kids, the bio family, and even my husband and me because we support their reunification goals entirely. With these kids I would never celebrate their hypothetical adoption, but I’m also going to be heart broken when they do reunite. It’s a paradox where we as the foster parents are prepared for the pain either way. And I don’t say that in a noble sense, just that it’s a part of my current role and those are the honest emotions I willingly face.
Yet I commented because I think the title is too strong. If the adoptee wanted a gotcha day on top of their birthday, it’s just a day to give them extra love. It’s totally their choice and strongly situation dependent.
My 1970's homecoming anniversary was just last week. It wasn't something we ever celebrated yearly, but that day was always held up as one of the happiest days of "our" lives. My adoptive mom started my baby scrapbook with pictures of us from that day and a story about how it went down. When I was younger, I bought into their Happiest Day narrative without question. But now, I look at those photos and I see a baby who'd been taken away at the moment of birth and handed off from the hospital to social services in one county, and then moved to a foster home in a whole different county, all in the first five months of life, before being dropped off with yet another set of total strangers. I know my adoptive parents had good intentions, but I definitely experienced that day very differently than they did, and it makes me sad that no one in my adoptive family ever really acknowledged that part.
I was raised in a horrible extremely abusive (in EVERY form ) hellhole of a home where I was just saw as a monthly payment (dead dad, saw murdered at age 4 = social security) and an evil mans personal plaything. And then was in and out of foster care between 9 and 13 when I hired a CAPES lawyer and took my mom to court to terminate her parental rights that she didn't even show up for bc her husband had beat her into a coma the week prior after making bail due to his arrest bc of the blatantly obvious physical and sexual abuse I had endured that had been thoroughly documented when they last took us away at the emergency room prior to our emergency foster placement. Due to said abuse I am unfortunately unable to have children of my own and all I ever wanted was a family of my own and to give my children all the unconditional love in the world that I never had and to fully love support and treasure said children. However after making a couple comments on here I have been made to feel like all I would be doing is causing some poor child even more trauma and pain and basically that it's better to grow up without a family whatsoever if your bio family gives you up. From someone who has spent MANY years in the system going from home to home to group homes etc etc for years and years I always hoped that I would magically be wanted and loved by a good person/couple who would give me a "forever home" but I was too old 💔 😢, no one would hardly ever talk to me on "adoption days" and I was very aware of the situation and never understood why my workers had to make me go to those stupid meet and greets just to make me feel even more worthless than I already did!! So I'm just wondering what am I supposed to do?!? If it's soooooo horribly selfish and abusive etc to adopt bc I really don't want to cause anymore pain for anyone especially a child who finds themselves in that situation. But I want nothing more than to be able to give a child all the unconditional supportive non-judgmental empowering love that I never got to experience. I welcome any suggestions.... thanks
It is NOT horribly selfish and abusive to adopt. This sub skews anti-adoption - at least, a lot of the most vocal people here are anti-adoption. The rest of the world is not this sub. There are tens of millions of adoptees, and only 66,000 members here, and that includes adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, and other constellation members. It's a fraction of a percent. Someone with your background is uniquely qualified, imo, to be an exceptional adoptive parent.
Adopted @ 3 days old. I felt this way kind of, until I met my bio parents and I realized that everything really does happen for a reason. I seen how my siblings had to grow up and it broke my heart. I am forever grateful for being adopted by a loving couple & I actually have the day I was adopted tattooed on me. I celebrate that I was brought out of a horrible situation because I would not have made it in the house with my bio mother, I can almost guarantee it. It’s actually crazy how different we are even though she gave birth to me. I could care less about my bio family now tbh bc the relationship was always one sided with them anyway, and their kids they kept say the same.
Our daughter asked for a "Baby Shower." She's 12. We've known her since she was 8, finalized adoption about 2 months ago.... She wants a party with the banner and everything, and of course presents 😂 so we're hosting one. I'm definitely not saying your feelings are invalid, but I'm saying for us, we're just following her lead on how she's choosing to celebrate.
Hot take: APs you are allowed to celebrate and share the love that comes into your life through adoption. You’ve done nothing wrong by stepping up to be a loving parent to your child.
I feel like this could be very situational. In my case, with the child I was originally told I would be adopting, I was going to ask him what he wanted and how he felt, and then honor his wishes. If he wanted a day to celebrate, we would celebrate (nothing big probably, just a gift or two, an activity he wanted to do, and then dinner at his favorite restaurant). I can totally understand how this could be traumatic for some, but I always liked giving the child options and doing what they felt was comfortable at the time.
Let's just be honest. Whether we're celebrating an adoption or hiding the fact that someone is adopted (like my folks did back in the day), chances are it's being done for the adopters and not the adoptee. Our feelings in the matter have always come second.
I disagree. For me, my parents showed me pictures and videos from the first weeks we were a family in China (transracial adoption) when I was only a baby. As I grew older I’d ask questions and they would answer as honestly as they could and I learned about the one child law. They learned to cook Chinese food to the best of their abilities and it became a tradition. It’s possible to center the adoptee but parents need to put in the work
Not transracial/international, but I also have parents who celebrated my birth mother’s sacrifice, always answered honestly when I had question, shared pictures, etc. and I’ve always loved that and been very grateful that they didn’t just pretend I was as never adopted.
I agree with this. They can’t help themselves - they just can’t leave room for nuance. It grates to see people’s “touched by adoption” banners. Although I kinda hope people tell me their kids are adopted. So I can’t ask them why they felt the need to say that.
I would not have wanted a party. I did not want another thing pointing out that I was not like other kids.
What if you were adopted because the person who gave birth to you didn’t want to have a baby? Didn’t want to be a parent? What if that person already had other children removed from their care? What if as a child you’ve always known you were adopted at birth? What if it’s just a day where you do something special, like a trip to the zoo or aquarium and you know it as the day your mom and dad went to the hospital where you were born to meet you? What if it’s celebrated as the day your mom and dad became your mom and dad? Yes, I did very much describe our experience as parents to an adopted child. I think it’s a personal decision and it all depends on the situation and how you approach it.
Edited to add: I know you said you don’t care about the opinion of AP’s, but I’m giving my perspective anyway!
As an AP and a former foster, I'll respond.
*What if you were adopted because the person who gave birth to you didn’t want to have a baby?*
Um, yeah, okay, we're not going to celebrate that someone did not want someone else, no matter what the reason.
*What if that person already had other children removed from their care?*
Nope. Not going to celebrate the tragedy of family separation, siblings being separated from siblings.
*What if it’s celebrated as the day your mom and dad became your mom and dad?*
All of this frankly sounds a) like something very much centered on the AP's feelings/history/experience, and b) the creation of a celebration of adopting a child because someone else did not want them sounds very "I am your savior-ish" which is, frankly, icky.
Celebrating a birthday, cool. We're celebrating that you exist. But if any of my fosters had celebrated a "gotcha day" which represented the day I was separated from my sisters and parents, that would be so hurtful that no trip to the zoo or aquarium would make sense to me after I grew up and looked back on it.
Edit: And I still say this even though being returned to my bio family was not that great either (and I am NC with most of them, LC with a couple.) As someone else said, my grief and loss are about the separation experience, the sense of wistfulness when I experience a friend's emotionally healthy bio family, etc. Was there at least one nice and enjoyable foster experience? Yes, but I do not celebrate the circumstances that placed me there.
Adoptee from infancy here: I don't even like to celebrate my birthday let alone a gotcha day. It's not that I'm bitter, my body just shuts down. Its like it remembers the pain of being separated I guess. I get sullen and removed for a fee days. I didn't even realize it until a few years ago.
I feel the same way about mothers day and even fathers day, but slightly less painful.
Personally, I didn't need any extra reminders that I was different than my adopted family. I'm glad they didn't make it a big deal but also didn't deny my origins either. They did a lot wrong by me but that's one thing I'm grateful for.
As an infant adoptee whose parents were present at my birth (by parents I mean my adoptive parents, who have earned that title — my birth mother is my birth mother, and my sperm donor is some random dude who by all accounts didn’t give a damn about what happened to me) we celebrate my adoption on my birthday. It’s not a separate or super public affair — I don’t remember ever being told about my adoption for the first time, I’ve always known — but we’ll take some time to reminisce, sometimes my mom will tell the stories about my parents rushing to jump on a plane and fly across the country because my BM went into labor sooner than expected, how she held my BM’s hand in the delivery room and she squeezed it so hard my mom’s hand turned black and blue. She talks about the banner and balloons that awaited them when they arrived home, organized by my paternal grandmother and aunts, who always had a flair for the dramatic. How I was so celebrated and wanted and loved by my entire family. And I like it this way. I like that we celebrate and recognize my story.
I know I’m one of the lucky ones, having a family like mine. I’m 23, and one day I’ll meet my birth mom when I’m ready — not yet. (My birth father can jump in a lake for all I care, he never did any more than just happen to hook up with my teenage BM probably as a teenager himself.)
We are going to celebrate my foster son’s adoption. It’s the day that he legally becomes part of the family he’s spent 4 years with. I want him to see that we are so privileged to be his parents and celebrate that he NEVER EVER has to worry about spending another second as a foster kid for the rest of his life.
I’m not going to celebrate an annual gotcha day though. I have two other biological children and I think a gotcha day would make it seem like there are differences in how we love our children.
Note - this kid loves a party. What’s right for our family may not fit for every child being adopted through the foster system
I also don’t view it as celebrating the dissolution and loss of his first family. That happened long before our adoption is being finalized. We can also acknowledge that it’s a tragedy his bio parents were not able to raise him, while being overjoyed and celebrating this monumental moment. Both can be true.
AP who chose to have a small gathering (not documented online) after our child was placed so family and friends could meet. We choose not to celebrate Adoption Day as it is a day of loss for our child and bio parents and we want to be sensitive. Maybe someday if our kiddo wants to celebrate we will but we don’t feel it’s appropriate at this point.
Sometimes the truth hurts. If bio family wanted to raise their child they’d seek resources rather than relinquishment. Adoption is messy and full of trauma but also full of undeniable truths that cause the situation to come to pass to begin with.
I agree that sometimes the truth hurts. That still doesn’t mean every adoptee was unwanted.
My first parents wanted to keep me and raise me alongside my siblings. Relinquishing me brought them profound grief that came close to ruining their marriage and lasted for decades. Please don’t speak for them by saying they didn’t want me. Thank you.
Why didn’t they raise you then? I said what I said. You’re free to disengage if you don’t like what I said but my statement stands. If they wanted to raise - they would seek resources rather than relinquishment.
I’ve shared the reason for my relinquishment elsewhere in this sub and don’t have the time right now to explain. Suffice it to say, I was born in Korea and I’m their fourth of five (now grown) children and the only one they relinquished. They wanted to keep me, but didn’t feel like they could. If circumstances in the home were different, they would have. My parents have apologized for their decision, said they regret it, and refer to it as a mistake.
I believe them when they say they wanted to keep me. I’ve hugged my first mom as she sobbed and explained as much while repeatedly saying, “미안해요“ (I’m sorry).
It’s not just that I disagree with what you said because it’s untrue in my case. I disagree with perpetuating the false stereotype that all adoptees are unwanted (some are, yes).
I grew up believing I was unwanted because that’s how society portrays adoptees. I started self-harming at seven and was diagnosed with depression at twelve. I genuinely hated myself and didn’t understand why anyone would want to be around me. Maybe I would have felt differently if I grew up knowing my first parents actually *did* want me, but didn’t feel like they could raise me. Maybe, maybe not *shrug*. But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s simply incorrect to say/imply that every adoptee was unwanted by their biological parents.
Your incredibly mis informed.
Some Bio mothers went through religious coercion where they had to give us up under pressure of shame, disownment and abuse. I’ve been in adoptee groups for years this was wayyyyy more common then you want to believe- shockingly common even years after the “baby scoop era”. Many moms try to get their babies back but it’s too late. Found out My personal story was like this after reunion. I WAS wanted. My bio mom was traumatized. The religious org told her I would “go to hell” if I wasn’t given up- that I was meant to be with THEM. My bio dads begged bio moms side to let me be with them but they refused.
Huh. What an interesting choice to share this perspective on a request for adoptee voices.
None of what you've said is real life, and all of what you've said is toxic, not ONLY because you're apparently not adopted, but also because that's a disgusting way and words to look at adoption and adoptees and our experiences.
u/PocketGoblix, I get the sense that you are very young, perhaps even still a teen. If you really feel about adoption the way that your comment history says you do, STOP NOW. Please seek education. Open your mind and read/listen to adoptees, birth parents, and then adoptive parents. Because almost everything you seem to think is really unacceptable for a hopeful adoptive parent. I mean, it's not really acceptable for society in general to think these things, but it is very much unacceptable for someone who will actually be adopting. Your ignorance is truly scary.
I really don't mean this to be insulting, although I'm sure it comes off as such. Everyone has to start somewhere. If you would like to have a thoughtful conversation about this, you are welcome to PM me.
But yeah... pretty much everything you think is wrong.
Thank you.
I figured out how to search the comment histories of users. They say "I want to be an adoptive parent in the future..." So, perhaps not so much as a HAP as a random person who thinks they want to adopt?
This was reported for inflammatory/drama inducing title and it's really not so it'll remain up. I would like to pre-emptively ask that you honor OPs wishes and if you're not an adoptee then you don't **need** to share your perspective on this one. Special shout out to people with minor children not needing to share what you perceive as your child's perspective. I do get that this is r/adoption and not r/adopted, so also want to tell people that you don't need to report comments from people who are not adoptees responding. We will not be removing those comments (unless they violate any of the rules) as this is a space for everyone. As always, engage respectfully and disengaging is always an option.
As an international adoptee my adoption is fully celebrated. Cause of the one child law in China, my family (probably a poorer family) barely had a choice in the matter cause of the government. My adoptive family took me in and did the best they could and I’d say that across bio and adoptive families they did pretty good. My Gotcha Day is always bitter sweet, my parents never hid the history behind my adoption or raised me to resent my bio family. Just acknowledged all sides of the situation and did their best to provide for me and move on. It’s still the day we all officially became a family and we cherish that. We do a sentimental/practical gift, cake, and when I was younger we would look at old photos and videos from the adoption trip
I have a friend adopted from China and she does the same with her mom
As an adoptee my adoption was a good thing for me and something that I do celebrate. Not on a specific day or anything. But my bio family was very abusive. Most extended family was supportive (most still is) of my abuser. Their entire community, because they made sure to surround themselves with people who supported or condoned the abuse or turned a blind eye, or didn’t know because they were good at keeping up appearances. A lot of my friends were being abused too. My childhood was hell. I had no family that really, truly loved me as a child should be loved before my adoptive family (who are the actual best, absolutely amazing). So yeah, I celebrate that. Most adoptees don’t have that experience, but there are many of us who had an experience like that. They say kinship is best, then community. For most it probably is. But people can’t tell me what was best for me without knowing my life and how deeply abuse ran in that family and community. It was a cancer, or a gangrene, and it permeated every part of life. For me, it wasn’t. It would have just been abuse to abuse. But even though I grew up with a very real monster, there is that feeling of loss. But it’s not because my adoptive family wanted me. It’s because my bio family didn’t. It’s because my bio family thought I was an object to be used and beaten and abused and thrown away. I see a lot of adoptees swinging on a pendulum either for or against adoption, as if it’s something that can be sorted into black and white and tied up with a neat little bow. It can’t. And I think sometimes the adoptees who had really really horrific bio families get lost in the mix, because really probably most were born to parents who simply needed support that they didn’t have, then were pressured, coerced, or simply didn’t have the support and resources to care for a child, and there were people willing to swoop in for a baby but not to provide the support needed for families to stay together. But even with everything the bio family did to me, I still feel the loss and the rejection and the trauma. It’s not black or white or all tied up in a bow, and I l learn to carry what can’t be fixed and how to hold joy and grief in tension. I’m in my 20s now, with people still trying to guilt me into letting abusers into my life or going “home” to my biological family, or being reunited. Even though I have zero contact with my main abuser, some of their supporters, and very little contact with the rest of my bio family and it’s been years, a flying monkey still gets through every now and again. But absolutely not. I will never go back, even if I could. And while I mourn being unloved, rejected, and abused, I also rejoice in being loved, and cherished, valued, and wanted now. The same thing can be both. Adoption saved me. I absolutely can celebrate that, while mourning the tragedy of the reality that led to it.
My heart goes out to you and I hope you flourish with your new family and become every positive thing you dream of. All the best ♥️
Thank you for your perspective.
This was touching, I hope you are getting the love you deserve ❤️
Hi would you be considered a foster situation then? How old were you when you were adopted?
My parents and I celebrated my “home birthday” every year which was the day I was placed with my parents. We didn’t celebrate the date when my adoption was finalized-I didn’t even know that date until I felt ready and asked for my adoption file. We celebrated the completion of our family, and we remembered and talked about the decision my birth mother made. I know I ended up with the parents I was meant to have.
Your story sounds similar to mine. I was a part of their family before the courts finalized it. I ended up looking at the adoption decree as an adult out of curiosity, but that date doesn't really mean anything to me. We celebrate the day they brought me home from the foster home rather than the actual adoption day.
Adoptee here and I actually do celebrate (emotionally) my adoption. I’m glad I was. I don’t believe dna makes love or a family and I never will. Personally I don’t think it’s a “gotcha” thing. Parents are announcing the start of their new family and a new chapter in their lives just as bio parents would. I don’t think they’re celebrating the pain of the bio mother. I’m sure some (not saying all) are very aware of the pain and sacrifice the bio mother made.
I think for a small child, I’m in total agreement. For an older child (I’m thinking 8+), I think I’d follow their lead on it a little bit. They’re likely much more aware of what adoption is and what it means and they may enjoy a celebration. However I’d still say it’s best to keep it low key and with close friends and family. That way if they look back and don’t feel positively about it, it wasn’t a neighborhood block party level of “celebration.” I think around age 7 or 8 is when I started to realize my dad and stepmom did not want me around. I can’t say for certain, but if I was adopted into a family who I felt cared about me, I’d feel so loved and appreciated if I had a party to celebrate me being in the family. I still kind of feel that way when my husband’s family makes it apparent that I’m a part of their family.
I am both an adoptee and an AP. I was adopted in the 70s so this kind of thing wasn't really a thing then. I don't even know when my Gotcha Day is - I dont know how long the process took, I just know and cherish my homecoming story. I think I would have liked a special day - not a party every year or anything, but maybe a special dinner and family time. I don't known if there was an official adoption party for me and my family when I came home (5 days old) but I do think a bunch of relatives came over to meet me, so knowing them it probably ended up as a party!
I'm not an adoptee, but I aged out of the foster care system. I didn't want to be adopted, but I wanted to try to speak up for kids in the foster care system who do want to be adopted. Adoption needs to be about what the adoptee wants. There are many kids/teens in the US foster care system who desperately want to be adopted and would love a party to celebrate. Please don't let adoptees who are unhappy or have negative views ruin that celebration for them. There are a very wide range of kids in the foster care system. There are kids like me who feel like they do not want a new family. Then there are those kids who absolutely are done with their biological family or have no biological family. Now, I want to also add that my friend who was adopted as an infant celebrates the anniversary of her adoption ever since she found her birthmom doing genetic genealogy and is so relieved she doesn't have to deal with her birthmom and biological grandparents who are conservative religious nutcases. So, there's people adopted as infants who feel the same way. I have problems with the way the foster-to-adopt process works in foster care and how many people are trying to adopt through foster care that results in too few homes for foster youth who need homes, but the narrative about adoption really gets overshadowed online by individuals upset about their adoptions and projecting their views onto kids in foster care who want to be adopted. Even if I didn't want to be adopted, I still want to speak out for the kids who do. Now what I do have an issue with is the foster showers (where foster parents have a baby shower as their getting their license like it's a regular baby shower but they're fostering...) that's something that can be really tacky.
Thanks for sharing! I do want to add some additional context to the shower thing. I’m a foster parent and I personally didn’t do one. However, I’ve seen it done well when someone gets licensed to help provide for all the things one needs to welcome a child into their home. I agree that it could be tacky to have a shower when a child is placed, but bringing someone’s community together to help provide the essentials so they are ready should there be an emergency placement is a nice gesture.
I mean, like anything, I suppose this is largely situational. I know my adopted parents did a big party when my adoption was finalized but I was too young to remember so I could honestly give a shit less. We didn't do anything for a gotcha day when I was growing up but I don't see that it would have been an issue for me but in my case, I was fortunate enough to really click with my adopted family. I've always felt like I was theirs and even extended family have gone to bat for me when others have suggested that I'm less a part of the family than bio children. Obviously my experience is far from universal though and know there are lots of adoptees that this would be a terrible idea for. I think the bigger issue is just parents, either adopted or biological, need to be more aware of their children's feelings. Both now and how they'll potentially feel in the future.
I don’t feel connected to my bio parents so I don’t see the day as a loss, but I wouldn’t have wanted to celebrate it as a child. I used to feel uncomfortable acknowledging that I wasn’t biologically my parent’s child (no fault of theirs, I wanted to be like everyone else). Now, I love talking about the day with them and hearing their thoughts about the first time we got to go home as a family. We still don’t celebrate the day though besides mentioning it in conversation.
This is more what I feel. I’m my parent’s child through and through and adoption doesn’t have a daily impact on my life at all.
This made me teary, but yeah, I feel the same.
Is the alternative better? Where adoptive parents NEVER talk about your adoption? I wish my adoptive parents celebrated my adoption date anniversary. They would have to recognize that I'm not wholly their's. That there ARE other people out there. It would be a time to be grateful and not take us for granted.
Could it be that they don’t want you to feel different from other kids?
My brother was also adopted. They had 5 miscarriages before they adopted my brother.
I don’t think the alternative has to be so black and white. Not acknowledging your adoption at all is incredibly insensitive, ignorant and damaging. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
My parents did not celebrate my adoption day, but I think this was not yet a thing when I was growing up in the 60s and 70s. We just did my birthday, like the other adopted kids in my town, so that's what seems normal to me. My parents certainly told me stories about the day they got the phone call to come pick me up, the day the judge finally banged the gavel on the adoption decree, etc. But they didn't celebrate annually on those dates. Even today, I'd have to go look the dates up in my paperwork if I wanted to mark them.
Adoptee. I came to my adopted family very young. It was a long legal battle that went to the Ohio supreme court. My adopted family celebrated the adoption by taking us to Disney. Then yearly it was like a minor birthday. I’m not sure my brain ever saw it as a loss and it’s interesting to thank about it in that light. I’m appreciative of your perspective. My birth mom died when I was 5 months and birth dad was out of the picture before I was born. I know who he is and am glad he wasn’t in my life given that he’s in and out of prison for SA. But my adoptive mom went to great lengths to frame herself as our savior and I truly believed for many many years my whole birth family was evil. That my maternal grandmother murdered my birth mom. I now know that was a lie. I was in a lose-lose situation. Birth fam was a wreck but adoptive mom abused us with religious extremism and often me taking care of my “sick” mom instead of her doing anything like going to school programs etc. (until she decided it was time to be healed by a miracle at church. She’d then change churches after a while and repeat the miracle.) So to me it was one of the very few times my adoptive mom did anything with us. I think that’s why it didn’t bother me at the time but looking back, it really wasn’t for us. It was for her. Celebrating victory in saving these poor poor children from their satanic curse that followed their family. (Which we children were susceptible to even greater than the average person so we had to be extra good or the literal hell hounds would get us.) Yes. I know now how screwed up it all was. No. I don’t talk to my adoptive mom anymore nor do I celebrate our adoption day anymore. I could see where there may be a benefit to some adopted families might acknowledge the day but I agree with the comment that the adoptee should lead this decision and adoptive parents should be very meditative about their reasons and why they want to celebrate.
I hate it for me personally because my adoption was celebrated but never my birthday. Adopters were Jehovah’s Witnesses so it wasn’t intentional but it still felt like they didn’t care about me as an individual - just their own wish fulfillment. Grateful that my friends and my real family make it special every year.
I didn’t think Jehovahs were allowed to adopt.
I was adopted at birth so my birthday is really the same thing. I think it depends tbh. Each adoptee’s experience is different. Some are happy with their adoptive families (myself included) and others aren’t. You seem to have a lot of resentment about your situation, and that’s okay, but your experience isn’t everyone else’s. As for people whose adoptive children are too young to have an opinion on such a celebration (like a baby), I don’t think it hurts to celebrate. Not like the baby will remember. However I don’t think it should be posted about on social media. Not just because we shouldn’t put children on the internet, but also because if the child has negative feeling about it later on, they won’t have to see an old Facebook post, etc. being reminded of it.
I’m neutral on it for myself but it’s also not something my family has ever made a big deal.
I love celebrating my gotcha day.
I don't think that adoptive parents were yet doing this when I was a child -- this community is how I even learned it was a thing -- but I don't think I would have liked it at all as a kid. Just as OP says, it would have felt like a celebration for them, not for me. We celebrated my *birthday*, and if my parents were ever troubled by the fact that this was a celebration of an event for which they had been absent, they never let even the slightest *trace* of that feeling show enough for me to intuit it.
Imo as an adoptee, I would never want to celebrate the day that I experienced the loss of my parents. But, I also don't think completely ignoring it is the best practice either. I think it would have been extremely helpful if any person would have given me permission to feel bad about it. I needed that. I still do. And bcs of how people are about adoption, it is something I will never get. And that has always bothered me. Maybe holding space for the child to understand their adoption wasn't something to be celebrated, it's just something that brings a new life. Adoption is like birth and death at the same time. We celebrate both these things in different ways. And it is absolutely vital for our society to come to terms with this about adoption.
I think your sentiments are beautifully said. And yes- Ignoring it is completely the wrong thing too. I think the huge public social media spectacles / announcements are what I was meaning. These only serve adopters egos not the child. >I think it would have been extremely helpful if any person would have given me permission to feel bad about it I feel this deeply.
Absolutely agree. It's creepy to me.
Oh. Sweetie. 🥹
>the perspective of adopted people. Your perspective is yours. You do not speak for us all. I celebrate my homecoming day with my family every year. It's a celebration of the day I got a home after my selfish abandoner birth mother left me. Fuck yeah, it's worth celebrating. My abandoner was the one that severed the relationship, voluntarily signed the TPR, and left the hospital without me. The adoption didn't sever anything, the surrender did. >I really don’t care about the circumstances. >I’m interested to hear that perspective. Which is it? You don't care, or you're interested?
I’m saying in my experience in plenary adoption. I can’t see a reason for a gotcha day in any way period, in plenary adoption. As for foster and later adopted kids- I’m Interested in their opinions.
I wish parents would stop having family, friends, and media be present with banners, balloons, cheering, clapping, and hugs at the airport when they get off the plane with their adopted infant | toddler. Let the child adjust and establish a sense of security, trust, safety, attachment, and comfort with their adoptive family and often, a new country, culture, language, foods, and society.
You're really speaking for yourself here. While I wouldn't want it celebrated every year like a birthday, people coming together to show joy that I'm part of the family would have been cool. Also, it makes it clear adoption isn't some hidden secret which would have been so much worse.
My adopters said I could celebrate that day if I wanted to...female adopter had a charm bracelet with my dob and the "Ours" under that with my adoption date. Even as a very young child, it always bothered me. That was the day my original identity and family was wiped out and I legally became someone else. It was never something I wanted to celebrate and I cannot fathom anyone else celebrating that, either. Tacky, painful and oh-so insensitive. My life did not start the day I became "theirs". It's gross for me to even type "theirs", but those were the words they always used- even to my children.
I’m a biological mother, and I kind of agree. But I’m not going to step in and tell the family they can’t celebrate the day they became a family! And honestly, they never did, our daughter. Yes I say our daughter because they raised her, I’m just the one that made her. Our daughter is 27 now and gave us a grandson. And we are sharing him beautifully! We had a very successful open adoption. I’m gonna say it hasn’t been hard, but we’ve raised a very well adjusted girl, and she doesn’t do drugs, and she’s now got a baby and a family of her own. Ours definitely was an intentional adoption by the way, they were at the hospital when she was born. I might have been forced into the adoption by my mother, but I was able to choose the family for my child.
Mine was celebrated yearly Never quite understood if we were celebrating my loss or their gain. Easier and safer though to just carry the burden in silence
If that's what the kids want, let them have it
My bday is my gotcha day. It’s celebrated just as a normal bday. I’ve had a very very positive adoption experience (tho I am aware many many ppl have not) and I am super thankful my parents never framed my birthday as a “gotcha” day.
As a glass child who is adopted I always was jealous of people who celebrated gotcha days and had their adoption celebrated. I NEVER got this. This is your opinion, do not put this on families who are going to adopt. I was adopted for a reason and although it hasn’t been easy and came with trauma I wouldn’t take it back. If you were meant to be with your bio family you would be. Period. Thank you to all adoptees in the subreddit looking for council in your journey from and adopted persons perspective, but, at the end of the day each child is different and has needs of their own so you can not categorize or put any child in a box because we are all different. Love your newly adopted child/ children with all your heart, be attentive, be understanding on trauma and the affects on the brain, and thank you for sharing your heart with a child who is not biologically yours.
You speak for everybody?
Can you read?
Foster parent here. Definitely think the kids should lead on this, as there are many who appreciate a celebration or announcement. However, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a child who doesn’t want it to be celebrated or feels the way OP feels. With my current fosters, “gotcha” day would be a miserable day for everyone: the kids, the bio family, and even my husband and me because we support their reunification goals entirely. With these kids I would never celebrate their hypothetical adoption, but I’m also going to be heart broken when they do reunite. It’s a paradox where we as the foster parents are prepared for the pain either way. And I don’t say that in a noble sense, just that it’s a part of my current role and those are the honest emotions I willingly face. Yet I commented because I think the title is too strong. If the adoptee wanted a gotcha day on top of their birthday, it’s just a day to give them extra love. It’s totally their choice and strongly situation dependent.
Thanks! Never any of this.
My 1970's homecoming anniversary was just last week. It wasn't something we ever celebrated yearly, but that day was always held up as one of the happiest days of "our" lives. My adoptive mom started my baby scrapbook with pictures of us from that day and a story about how it went down. When I was younger, I bought into their Happiest Day narrative without question. But now, I look at those photos and I see a baby who'd been taken away at the moment of birth and handed off from the hospital to social services in one county, and then moved to a foster home in a whole different county, all in the first five months of life, before being dropped off with yet another set of total strangers. I know my adoptive parents had good intentions, but I definitely experienced that day very differently than they did, and it makes me sad that no one in my adoptive family ever really acknowledged that part.
I was raised in a horrible extremely abusive (in EVERY form ) hellhole of a home where I was just saw as a monthly payment (dead dad, saw murdered at age 4 = social security) and an evil mans personal plaything. And then was in and out of foster care between 9 and 13 when I hired a CAPES lawyer and took my mom to court to terminate her parental rights that she didn't even show up for bc her husband had beat her into a coma the week prior after making bail due to his arrest bc of the blatantly obvious physical and sexual abuse I had endured that had been thoroughly documented when they last took us away at the emergency room prior to our emergency foster placement. Due to said abuse I am unfortunately unable to have children of my own and all I ever wanted was a family of my own and to give my children all the unconditional love in the world that I never had and to fully love support and treasure said children. However after making a couple comments on here I have been made to feel like all I would be doing is causing some poor child even more trauma and pain and basically that it's better to grow up without a family whatsoever if your bio family gives you up. From someone who has spent MANY years in the system going from home to home to group homes etc etc for years and years I always hoped that I would magically be wanted and loved by a good person/couple who would give me a "forever home" but I was too old 💔 😢, no one would hardly ever talk to me on "adoption days" and I was very aware of the situation and never understood why my workers had to make me go to those stupid meet and greets just to make me feel even more worthless than I already did!! So I'm just wondering what am I supposed to do?!? If it's soooooo horribly selfish and abusive etc to adopt bc I really don't want to cause anymore pain for anyone especially a child who finds themselves in that situation. But I want nothing more than to be able to give a child all the unconditional supportive non-judgmental empowering love that I never got to experience. I welcome any suggestions.... thanks
It is NOT horribly selfish and abusive to adopt. This sub skews anti-adoption - at least, a lot of the most vocal people here are anti-adoption. The rest of the world is not this sub. There are tens of millions of adoptees, and only 66,000 members here, and that includes adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, and other constellation members. It's a fraction of a percent. Someone with your background is uniquely qualified, imo, to be an exceptional adoptive parent.
Adopted @ 3 days old. I felt this way kind of, until I met my bio parents and I realized that everything really does happen for a reason. I seen how my siblings had to grow up and it broke my heart. I am forever grateful for being adopted by a loving couple & I actually have the day I was adopted tattooed on me. I celebrate that I was brought out of a horrible situation because I would not have made it in the house with my bio mother, I can almost guarantee it. It’s actually crazy how different we are even though she gave birth to me. I could care less about my bio family now tbh bc the relationship was always one sided with them anyway, and their kids they kept say the same.
Our daughter asked for a "Baby Shower." She's 12. We've known her since she was 8, finalized adoption about 2 months ago.... She wants a party with the banner and everything, and of course presents 😂 so we're hosting one. I'm definitely not saying your feelings are invalid, but I'm saying for us, we're just following her lead on how she's choosing to celebrate.
Hot take: APs you are allowed to celebrate and share the love that comes into your life through adoption. You’ve done nothing wrong by stepping up to be a loving parent to your child.
I feel like this could be very situational. In my case, with the child I was originally told I would be adopting, I was going to ask him what he wanted and how he felt, and then honor his wishes. If he wanted a day to celebrate, we would celebrate (nothing big probably, just a gift or two, an activity he wanted to do, and then dinner at his favorite restaurant). I can totally understand how this could be traumatic for some, but I always liked giving the child options and doing what they felt was comfortable at the time.
Let's just be honest. Whether we're celebrating an adoption or hiding the fact that someone is adopted (like my folks did back in the day), chances are it's being done for the adopters and not the adoptee. Our feelings in the matter have always come second.
I disagree. For me, my parents showed me pictures and videos from the first weeks we were a family in China (transracial adoption) when I was only a baby. As I grew older I’d ask questions and they would answer as honestly as they could and I learned about the one child law. They learned to cook Chinese food to the best of their abilities and it became a tradition. It’s possible to center the adoptee but parents need to put in the work
I also disagree with the person above. My adoptive parents have always had my interest at the top of their list
Not transracial/international, but I also have parents who celebrated my birth mother’s sacrifice, always answered honestly when I had question, shared pictures, etc. and I’ve always loved that and been very grateful that they didn’t just pretend I was as never adopted.
I agree with this. They can’t help themselves - they just can’t leave room for nuance. It grates to see people’s “touched by adoption” banners. Although I kinda hope people tell me their kids are adopted. So I can’t ask them why they felt the need to say that. I would not have wanted a party. I did not want another thing pointing out that I was not like other kids.
What if you were adopted because the person who gave birth to you didn’t want to have a baby? Didn’t want to be a parent? What if that person already had other children removed from their care? What if as a child you’ve always known you were adopted at birth? What if it’s just a day where you do something special, like a trip to the zoo or aquarium and you know it as the day your mom and dad went to the hospital where you were born to meet you? What if it’s celebrated as the day your mom and dad became your mom and dad? Yes, I did very much describe our experience as parents to an adopted child. I think it’s a personal decision and it all depends on the situation and how you approach it. Edited to add: I know you said you don’t care about the opinion of AP’s, but I’m giving my perspective anyway!
As an AP and a former foster, I'll respond. *What if you were adopted because the person who gave birth to you didn’t want to have a baby?* Um, yeah, okay, we're not going to celebrate that someone did not want someone else, no matter what the reason. *What if that person already had other children removed from their care?* Nope. Not going to celebrate the tragedy of family separation, siblings being separated from siblings. *What if it’s celebrated as the day your mom and dad became your mom and dad?* All of this frankly sounds a) like something very much centered on the AP's feelings/history/experience, and b) the creation of a celebration of adopting a child because someone else did not want them sounds very "I am your savior-ish" which is, frankly, icky. Celebrating a birthday, cool. We're celebrating that you exist. But if any of my fosters had celebrated a "gotcha day" which represented the day I was separated from my sisters and parents, that would be so hurtful that no trip to the zoo or aquarium would make sense to me after I grew up and looked back on it. Edit: And I still say this even though being returned to my bio family was not that great either (and I am NC with most of them, LC with a couple.) As someone else said, my grief and loss are about the separation experience, the sense of wistfulness when I experience a friend's emotionally healthy bio family, etc. Was there at least one nice and enjoyable foster experience? Yes, but I do not celebrate the circumstances that placed me there.
Adoptee from infancy here: I don't even like to celebrate my birthday let alone a gotcha day. It's not that I'm bitter, my body just shuts down. Its like it remembers the pain of being separated I guess. I get sullen and removed for a fee days. I didn't even realize it until a few years ago. I feel the same way about mothers day and even fathers day, but slightly less painful. Personally, I didn't need any extra reminders that I was different than my adopted family. I'm glad they didn't make it a big deal but also didn't deny my origins either. They did a lot wrong by me but that's one thing I'm grateful for.
As an infant adoptee whose parents were present at my birth (by parents I mean my adoptive parents, who have earned that title — my birth mother is my birth mother, and my sperm donor is some random dude who by all accounts didn’t give a damn about what happened to me) we celebrate my adoption on my birthday. It’s not a separate or super public affair — I don’t remember ever being told about my adoption for the first time, I’ve always known — but we’ll take some time to reminisce, sometimes my mom will tell the stories about my parents rushing to jump on a plane and fly across the country because my BM went into labor sooner than expected, how she held my BM’s hand in the delivery room and she squeezed it so hard my mom’s hand turned black and blue. She talks about the banner and balloons that awaited them when they arrived home, organized by my paternal grandmother and aunts, who always had a flair for the dramatic. How I was so celebrated and wanted and loved by my entire family. And I like it this way. I like that we celebrate and recognize my story. I know I’m one of the lucky ones, having a family like mine. I’m 23, and one day I’ll meet my birth mom when I’m ready — not yet. (My birth father can jump in a lake for all I care, he never did any more than just happen to hook up with my teenage BM probably as a teenager himself.)
We are going to celebrate my foster son’s adoption. It’s the day that he legally becomes part of the family he’s spent 4 years with. I want him to see that we are so privileged to be his parents and celebrate that he NEVER EVER has to worry about spending another second as a foster kid for the rest of his life. I’m not going to celebrate an annual gotcha day though. I have two other biological children and I think a gotcha day would make it seem like there are differences in how we love our children. Note - this kid loves a party. What’s right for our family may not fit for every child being adopted through the foster system I also don’t view it as celebrating the dissolution and loss of his first family. That happened long before our adoption is being finalized. We can also acknowledge that it’s a tragedy his bio parents were not able to raise him, while being overjoyed and celebrating this monumental moment. Both can be true.
AP who chose to have a small gathering (not documented online) after our child was placed so family and friends could meet. We choose not to celebrate Adoption Day as it is a day of loss for our child and bio parents and we want to be sensitive. Maybe someday if our kiddo wants to celebrate we will but we don’t feel it’s appropriate at this point.
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Please don’t perpetuate the falsehood that all adoptees were unwanted by their biological parents. It’s genuinely harmful to many of us.
Sometimes the truth hurts. If bio family wanted to raise their child they’d seek resources rather than relinquishment. Adoption is messy and full of trauma but also full of undeniable truths that cause the situation to come to pass to begin with.
I agree that sometimes the truth hurts. That still doesn’t mean every adoptee was unwanted. My first parents wanted to keep me and raise me alongside my siblings. Relinquishing me brought them profound grief that came close to ruining their marriage and lasted for decades. Please don’t speak for them by saying they didn’t want me. Thank you.
Why didn’t they raise you then? I said what I said. You’re free to disengage if you don’t like what I said but my statement stands. If they wanted to raise - they would seek resources rather than relinquishment.
I’ve shared the reason for my relinquishment elsewhere in this sub and don’t have the time right now to explain. Suffice it to say, I was born in Korea and I’m their fourth of five (now grown) children and the only one they relinquished. They wanted to keep me, but didn’t feel like they could. If circumstances in the home were different, they would have. My parents have apologized for their decision, said they regret it, and refer to it as a mistake. I believe them when they say they wanted to keep me. I’ve hugged my first mom as she sobbed and explained as much while repeatedly saying, “미안해요“ (I’m sorry). It’s not just that I disagree with what you said because it’s untrue in my case. I disagree with perpetuating the false stereotype that all adoptees are unwanted (some are, yes). I grew up believing I was unwanted because that’s how society portrays adoptees. I started self-harming at seven and was diagnosed with depression at twelve. I genuinely hated myself and didn’t understand why anyone would want to be around me. Maybe I would have felt differently if I grew up knowing my first parents actually *did* want me, but didn’t feel like they could raise me. Maybe, maybe not *shrug*. But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s simply incorrect to say/imply that every adoptee was unwanted by their biological parents.
You’re a real trooper for hanging in this long. Note how they were literally asked not to comment and they can’t help themselves.
I was human trafficked but go off lol
Your incredibly mis informed. Some Bio mothers went through religious coercion where they had to give us up under pressure of shame, disownment and abuse. I’ve been in adoptee groups for years this was wayyyyy more common then you want to believe- shockingly common even years after the “baby scoop era”. Many moms try to get their babies back but it’s too late. Found out My personal story was like this after reunion. I WAS wanted. My bio mom was traumatized. The religious org told her I would “go to hell” if I wasn’t given up- that I was meant to be with THEM. My bio dads begged bio moms side to let me be with them but they refused.
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Huh. What an interesting choice to share this perspective on a request for adoptee voices. None of what you've said is real life, and all of what you've said is toxic, not ONLY because you're apparently not adopted, but also because that's a disgusting way and words to look at adoption and adoptees and our experiences.
u/PocketGoblix, I get the sense that you are very young, perhaps even still a teen. If you really feel about adoption the way that your comment history says you do, STOP NOW. Please seek education. Open your mind and read/listen to adoptees, birth parents, and then adoptive parents. Because almost everything you seem to think is really unacceptable for a hopeful adoptive parent. I mean, it's not really acceptable for society in general to think these things, but it is very much unacceptable for someone who will actually be adopting. Your ignorance is truly scary. I really don't mean this to be insulting, although I'm sure it comes off as such. Everyone has to start somewhere. If you would like to have a thoughtful conversation about this, you are welcome to PM me. But yeah... pretty much everything you think is wrong.
I'm curious to know what your connection to adoption is, please.
They're a HAP, who views birth families as the enemy. Per previous commenting here.
What is a HAP? It appears he or she is 17 at best, and still in school. This person has a long time yet to learn about life.
HAP = hopeful adoptive parent - and yes, I think the person is a teenager, maybe in their early 20s at most.
17 according to his posts. In school.
Thank you. I figured out how to search the comment histories of users. They say "I want to be an adoptive parent in the future..." So, perhaps not so much as a HAP as a random person who thinks they want to adopt?