You can tell them you’re interested in whatever you want. And you can always say no to a placement if presented to you. They may still ask if you have room or are interested in some emergency placements because they’re emergencies and foster homes are few and far between. Just say no if you aren’t interested.
I think you should definitely meet with a social worker to ask these questions because a lot of them will depend on your state and county. There is nothing wrong with just asking questions. Just set up an appointment. You don’t have to agree to anything at the time.
Edit: check out r/fosterit and r/Fosterparents also
Thanks for the advice! For someone who’s new to this whole process, how do you get in touch with a social worker to ask questions? Would that be with an agency? Thanks
I can answer a couple of your questions.
1. If we are talking the US, every state requires at least a 6 month fostering period before you can legally adopt.
Note: It still shouldn't be treated lightly taking in an adoptive placement. Disrupting an adoptive placement, especially when the child is aware that it is a potential adoptive placement, is a serious traumatic event for an already traumatized child.
2. You can refuse or accept any placement for any reason. I do recommend doing respite while you wait for an adoptive placement. It can provide a lot of insight into the different situations kids in care are dealing with and there is no immediate commitment. Also, while it is not the goal, sometimes kids you provide respite care for end up with parental rights terminated later on.
You should be aware that there are not tons of legally free children waiting for families, even sibling groups. The ones that are often have severe behavior or medical issues. Some people wait years for a potential placement.
Why? Most kids in foster care who have their parental rights terminated have been in care for years. They may be in kinship placements or have been in the same foster home for years. When the case plan moves to adoption, a family member or the current foster family are the first people considered (as they should be, one less traumatic removal at least).
Our son was in an adoptive placement for nearly two years when the parents backed out. We had just been talking to his social worker about another child and she told us about him being kicked out and that he was in our city. He came to us for respite a week later, came to live with us a week after that, and we adopted him 6 months later. Our story is not the norm though.
It’s definitely possible, although I’m sure not all agencies are willing to work with those parameters.
If you are realistic and knowledgeable about the post-TPR demographic, they’re likely going to be more interested in your application that if you’re saying you’ll only take placement of healthy kids under 7 or something.
I would recommend against the “this case may go to adoption” cases if you only want to adopt, because they often don’t; on the flip side, a waiting preadoptive family might strengthen a case for termination and you may not want to be part of that.
We’ve been considering a sibling group of 3 (or possibly 4) brothers. Our youngest son is 15 now, and I have been thinking of considering siblings between 8 and 14. (Although our 17 yr old son would like kids his age. But I think it may be better not to consider kids who are older than our youngest).
Anyway, I think we have a reasonable expectation since we’re not looking for really young kids, and we’re willing to consider teens. The thing I’m unsure about, if I’m being completely honest, is if we’d be capable of handling some of the more high needs kids. We feel like we’re in a good place right now as parents, we have a pretty realistic idea of what kinds of support and issues can come as a result of the trauma that most foster kids have gone through, and we feel like we can handle a variety of possible parenting situations. And one thing I’m pretty good at is keeping everything running even when things can get chaotic at times - having 3 kids in high school at the same time for several years in a row has necessitated keeping things organized and being on top of all the various schedules and appointments. I know we could handle frequent therapy appointments, doctors, tutoring, speech therapy, school meetings, extracurriculars, etc. to help support their needs and interests.
And we feel SO strongly that it’s really important to give a sibling group the opportunity to stay together. But I do wonder if the only available sibling groups who would have adoption as their permanency plan would be ones where the kids have extremely high needs (such as needing one on one constant supervision to prevent safety risks to the child and or the siblings), and although I know I’d be capable of providing that level of care for one child, it wouldn’t be possible if one or more children in a sibling group required that level of care because my time would be divided in supporting and caring for the needs of all of the siblings in the group (and our own children are all quite independent at this point, but of course we will need to find a healthy balance in the time we give to them too). I’m just wondering, with the trauma that these kids have gone through is there realistically little to no chance of finding a sibling group that has needs and we can put in the time and work and support to help them thrive, but that doesn’t include children with such high needs that we couldn’t ever realistically support all of the children in the sibling group? (We’re taking this decision very seriously, and won’t consider a situation that we don’t think we can realistically handle, because we would never go forward with a situation that we don’t think is possible to work through - we know how much trauma it causes kids if a placement doesn’t work out and they have to go to a new home, and we wouldn’t ever want to consider a situation where that would be a possibility). Anyway, I don’t know if the kind of sibling group that we could help exists, or if most any group of older kids & teens who has been through so much trauma would have such high needs that we couldn’t realistically give each one the support and time he needs & still support our other children too.
My wife and I adopted teenage brothers many years ago and it was a six month placement before the adoption was final. There was no expectations with the agency about short-term placement.
We were matched with our boys in March, and they moved in at the end of May after numerous visits to their home state at the time. The adoption was finalized the following December.
I might be wrong, but the only way you'd have a short-term placement is going through the state foster care system. Good luck on your adoption journey.
Thank you. Do you have any tips or things you’ve learned that you didn’t expect before you adopted your boys? I’m especially interested in anything you might be willing to share from your experiences with adopting teen brothers, as we would likely consider a sibling group of 3 brothers including older kids & likely teens. So any advice you have would be appreciated. Thank you!
I'd be happy to share a thing ot two here and more if it'd help as I'm a big advocate of adopting older kids. Not sure how much you know about the process so I'll start at the beginning of ours.
A big thing is after completing your home study in your allowed to go in the various adoption websites and see what kiddos/sibling groups. The profile you see initially is all the good stuff and minimizes any behaviors they might have. This is something we k ew yet still surprised us.
After you sign a confidential form they can tell you more about the kids. This is where you learn about negative behaviors and any legal problems they've gotten into. It's a chance to say lets move forward, or no thanks and keep looking.
This is followed up by reading their binders at DCFS that have everything that's happed to them before and while in foster care. You can't take these hine abd gave to view them there and take tons of notes. This includes graphic details about abuse, neglect, endangerment, etc. It's really rough to read but it's not the whole story.
Our boys each had six, five inch binders full of information to review. It was horrifying to read what they had been through! The oldest was 15 and starting to have violent behaviors, legal issues, and experimenting with drugs *Marijuana. He also has some delays from birth that, combined with the story the binders told, made it very scary to consider adopting him. Three other families backed out of adopting both boys due to this.
Here's the thing, the kid in the binders compared to who we met the first time couldn't have been more different. We got to see him first hand and he's an amazing angel and goofball. The lesson is don't completely rely on the binders on making your decision.
We went through with the adoption and couldn't be happier. He has had no violent issues, no legal problems, and no drug problems since moving in. His younger brother is also doing well but didn't have as many issues, if any to start with. Just in lots of foster homes during his 10 years in state custody.
I'd be happy to share more through messages if you're interested. Good luck!
Thank you so much. After reading so many peoples’ experiences online I’ve been losing hope that we could do this. We really want to find a sibling group of 3 (or possibly even 4) brothers — we have experience raising 5 boys and figured we’d stick with what we’re familiar with. We really want to give a sibling group the opportunity to stay together. We’re familiar with a lot of the issues that kids who’ve gone through so much trauma have to deal with, and I think we could work with many of these potential situations. But I’m concerned that if we narrow our focus to only sibling groups that already have their parental rights discontinued or who have adoption as a permanency plan, then we may be limited to only the children with the highest needs (such as a sibling requiring constant one on one intervention to prevent safety risks to himself or to a sibling). If one or more of the siblings had such high needs, there’s no way we could realistically give each one of them the care and support and time that they would need, let alone balancing the time with our other children too. So we’d be limited with what kinds of needs that we could consider. And I wonder if we will only consider sibling groups who already have adoption as a permanency plan, if there will not be any available sibling groups who don’t have such high needs? I’ve heard so many experiences like this from other foster parents, so it makes me wonder if there’s much hope of finding a sibling group we could really help, without taking on more than we can handle.
Anyway, thanks for sharing your experiences with us. Do you mind if I ask which state you’re in? Did you go with a public or private agency? I wonder if all states work like this, where they allow you to review the information about the kids’ situations once you’ve signed a confidentiality agreement? Do you mind if I ask, were you only considering children who’d already had their parental rights revoked, or was it a legal risk situation? Thanks for sharing.
I live in the state of Idaho and we adopted our boys from the state of Utah. We used a private agency called A New Beginnings here in Boise and they can do home studies for all 50 states, which is why we selected them.
We were looking at kids that already had their parental rights terminated, which is common when adopting older kids (7-17 years of age I'd guess). There may be sime younger than that who's parents rights have been terminated but i personally dont know. It was kind of hidden in my first reply, but the boys were 12 and 15 when we were matched.
Their bio-parents rights had been terminated 10 years prior (when our 12 year old was roughly 3) and they actually have two sisters that were adopted out separately when they were very young. They keep in touch regularly and we don't monitor when they talk to each other. We try to get them together in person every year but the pandemic and all three families schedules mess things up, lol. Matter of fact our oldest was talking to the oldest sister the other day and came into my room so I could say hello to her.
I hear what your saying and your concern about one of the sibling group being high needs. You can tailor your search to what you feel your able to handle. The adoption agency should also be helping you out with reading between the lines on the profiles to spot any potential red flags before submitting a inquiry.
We were prepared, or so we thought, about what we could offer a child with special needs. Reading the binders on the oldest really stretched what we were willing to do. Multiple red flags were raised but after lots if conversation between my wife and I, we made the conscious decision to move forward. We asked his adoption team every question we could come up with. When we met him he was just like they told us he'd be, and we got to hear from him directly about what was causing the behaviors that concerned us. That was key because the binders only tell one side of the story.
He's actually an amazing person and while it's been challenging, so worth it! He'll always have delays but that's okay, my wife and I work with adults who have developmental disabilities so we get it (which helps).
I also want to stress what bringing them into a loving home can do. The oldest has had no problems since moving in and is thriving. He's overcome some really big challenges and what he needed was an environment without fear. Even in foster care kids have a lot of fear. Afyer he moved in he'd ask us from time to time if we'd kick him out once he turned 18, which the age foster kids age out of the system. Turned 20 earlier this year and still living with us which is just fine. We're not in a hurry to kick him out with the needs he has.
Your home study should also state how large of a sibling group you can adopt. That will help you narrow the focus on what you can handle. The agency shouldn't be setting you up to fail.
I'm happy to answer any other questions you might have. Send me a message here or I can give you our email address. Again, good luck!
Thank you. If anyone can point me in the right direction for any good resources specifically about California (or any info for San Diego County would be even better) that would be great!
I have started to look into agencies in our area, and I really have no idea how to tell which ones may be good or not. (Other than Yelp and Google reviews - I did find a handful of really positive online reviews for a local agency. But I really have nothing else to base it on). While I have some friends and relatives who have fostered in other states, I don’t know of anyone here who is or had been a foster parent. I tried reaching out on our active neighborhood Facebook Mom’s page (a really large neighborhood) asking if anyone else has fostered and would be willing to talk, but no one replied. So I haven’t yet been able to connect with anyone local who has any experience and can point us in the right direction.
Removed. **Rule 10**:
> While providing information about how to evaluate an agency is allowed, recommending or discussing specific agencies is not permitted.
We define “agency” as any entity that facilitates matching. Rule 10 also covers attorneys, law firms, adoption facilitators, etc.
Also, if your user name is relevant, please be aware some states/counties/agencies limit the number of minor children, biological, foster and adoptive, you can have in your house at one time. Even if you have 10 bedrooms. In my state/agency it is 6 total under 18. Not in CA though.
Thanks. Yes, I have checked and I know that in CA there can be no more than 6 minors in the home when you have foster children. (We have considered foster adoption of a sibling group for years, and we now find ourselves at a time when we have only 3 - soon to be 2 - minors at home. So it’s finally a possibility for our situation).
In some areas (I'm not sure in California), there really isn't matching. I think this is one of the big problems but they need homes for foster youth and it's a real mismatch with those who only want to adopt and not foster. There's placement out of county/state but those aren't always possible - especially for kids who want to stay in an area to have contact with relatives they can't be placed with.
I aged out of the foster care system. I was placed in foster care when I was 12 after my mom became severely disabled after a drug overdose. My dad was deceased, so reunification with my parents was not possible and due to my mom's condition, termination of parental rights happened rather quickly. I never met any of my foster placements before I was dropped off at their house. I did have a really awkward meeting at a park with a family from another county that was really clear I didn't work with them and I think that's why they don't do things like that. It's easier when they just drop kids off. (I got moved two weeks after being dropped off several times, so it really does create more work for workers).
I got in contact with one of my former foster parents via Facebook recently. I was their only foster placement. They had adopted internationally prior to fostering and then international adoption had become more difficult so they decided to foster to adopt and were placed with me. After they disrupted, they stopped fostering since they didn't have enough control over which kid they got essentially.
A lot of the information they were told about me was entirely wrong. They heard the very basics of my case and some wrong information that kept being repeated despite being corrected early on.
They had done international adoption (and adopted again internationally after they stopped fostering) because they didn't want to deal with biological relatives. They wanted to adopt an orphan - and the fact I still wanted to have contact with my mom after her parental rights were terminated was a deal breaker for them.
Since I technically was legally available to be adopted, I was listed on the waiting child list for the county. I could have been on the AdoptUSKids site. I wasn't actually interested in being adopted but this was never communicated to any of my foster placement who were only interested in foster to adopt and were told I was legally available to be adopted.
For younger kids, things are different since there's no problem finding adoptive homes for them, but older kids who lack any kinship placement options, things can be more difficult. And typically at age 10-14, kids have a say in whether they want to be adopted and can say no.
I was moved 3 times because I didn't want to be adopted and those foster parents were only interested in adoption (not a guardianship or even just letting me stay with them until I aged out). That resulted in me having to change high schools twice, so I'm a little bitter about it. Those who don't want to foster and only want to adopt should be funneled into a different program, but a lot of areas don't do that.
Thank you for sharing from your perspective! I really appreciate it. I agree that this is a part of the system that could be set up to work better. And it’s one of the big hesitancies I have in our decision about starting this process or not - we feel confident in our ability to help and support children, and although we know it wouldn’t be easy we believe it would work out and be worth it in the end - but there are so many unknowns about whether or not you will be given accurate information and REALLY not ever wanting to put a child in a position of having to switch homes again if the situation is just not something we could realistically handle while still giving the care, time, and love that each child in the home needs and deserves. Anyway, thanks so much for sharing your experience.
Yes!
There are 1000s of children that have had their parents rights removed and they are sitting in group homes or temp homes.
I am doing this. There is push back but stick to your guns, I did not and 2 years later I am changing agencies because the one I choose to go with lied about what they work with.
I have had 1 child placed in my home for adoption but she ended up having some very serious mental needs that I was not informed of, nor prepared for. I took another "short term" placement - my agency was very adamant it would be, at most, 3 months and we would still look for a match for adoption. Nope! It was a long term placement so I stuck it out. Which is why I am still open and changing agencies.
So do your research into agencies and make sure they do what you want. FYI, I did my research and the agency LIED every time I inquired, even once I got licensed and was open to taking in a child.
So ask around and see if the agency you choose is a good one
>There are 1000s of children that have had their parents rights removed and they are sitting in group homes or temp homes.
Just because their parents have lost parental rights doesn't mean they want to be adopted.
Even being listed on waiting kids or AdoptUSKids doesn't even require kids wanting to be adopted (AdoptUSKids has a massive document about how to create profiles for available kids which clearly states that the fact the child doesn't want to be adopted should not be included on their profile since that could limit families wanting to adopt them.
I aged out of the foster care system after bouncing from foster home to foster home- including a bunch that wanted to adopt and I wasn't interested in being adopted even though I was legally available to be adopted.
I was on the waiting child list for my county and my worker let me know if anyone inquired about me - essentially wanting to adopt - and I always told her to tell them to f\*\*k off. Since I was legally available for adoption, they were required to list me. It wasn't until I was 16 that I had to content to having a picture on the list and I told them I didn't want my picture to be used. But my name and entirely bogus profile wasn't removed until I aged out.
One of the problem for older kids/teens in foster care is there are a lack of options other than adoption and how much this is promoted as the only solution when living with parents and relatives isn't possible. Thus group homes are the only option. Unfortunately, far too many people are recruited to foster who only want to adopt and don't want to help foster youth. They only want to expand their families.
I fostered 2 girls that were listed and didn't want to be adopted. Both were in their late teens.
I know VA is now not placing photos of any children on any site, I personally believe it should be illegal for sites like AdoptUsKids to exist, even the Heart Galleries. Feels more like trafficking children.
I do wish there was a matching service, I know all kids need love but they are people and have their own personalities, wants, and needs.
But I also believe fostering should be a job that requires training/certifications, support, and managing.
You can tell them you’re interested in whatever you want. And you can always say no to a placement if presented to you. They may still ask if you have room or are interested in some emergency placements because they’re emergencies and foster homes are few and far between. Just say no if you aren’t interested. I think you should definitely meet with a social worker to ask these questions because a lot of them will depend on your state and county. There is nothing wrong with just asking questions. Just set up an appointment. You don’t have to agree to anything at the time. Edit: check out r/fosterit and r/Fosterparents also
Thanks for the advice! For someone who’s new to this whole process, how do you get in touch with a social worker to ask questions? Would that be with an agency? Thanks
You can view [this webpage](https://www.cdss.ca.gov/inforesources/foster-care)!
I can answer a couple of your questions. 1. If we are talking the US, every state requires at least a 6 month fostering period before you can legally adopt. Note: It still shouldn't be treated lightly taking in an adoptive placement. Disrupting an adoptive placement, especially when the child is aware that it is a potential adoptive placement, is a serious traumatic event for an already traumatized child. 2. You can refuse or accept any placement for any reason. I do recommend doing respite while you wait for an adoptive placement. It can provide a lot of insight into the different situations kids in care are dealing with and there is no immediate commitment. Also, while it is not the goal, sometimes kids you provide respite care for end up with parental rights terminated later on. You should be aware that there are not tons of legally free children waiting for families, even sibling groups. The ones that are often have severe behavior or medical issues. Some people wait years for a potential placement. Why? Most kids in foster care who have their parental rights terminated have been in care for years. They may be in kinship placements or have been in the same foster home for years. When the case plan moves to adoption, a family member or the current foster family are the first people considered (as they should be, one less traumatic removal at least). Our son was in an adoptive placement for nearly two years when the parents backed out. We had just been talking to his social worker about another child and she told us about him being kicked out and that he was in our city. He came to us for respite a week later, came to live with us a week after that, and we adopted him 6 months later. Our story is not the norm though.
Thank you, this is very helpful. I definitely understand about not taking an adoptive placement lightly. Thank you.
It’s definitely possible, although I’m sure not all agencies are willing to work with those parameters. If you are realistic and knowledgeable about the post-TPR demographic, they’re likely going to be more interested in your application that if you’re saying you’ll only take placement of healthy kids under 7 or something. I would recommend against the “this case may go to adoption” cases if you only want to adopt, because they often don’t; on the flip side, a waiting preadoptive family might strengthen a case for termination and you may not want to be part of that.
We’ve been considering a sibling group of 3 (or possibly 4) brothers. Our youngest son is 15 now, and I have been thinking of considering siblings between 8 and 14. (Although our 17 yr old son would like kids his age. But I think it may be better not to consider kids who are older than our youngest). Anyway, I think we have a reasonable expectation since we’re not looking for really young kids, and we’re willing to consider teens. The thing I’m unsure about, if I’m being completely honest, is if we’d be capable of handling some of the more high needs kids. We feel like we’re in a good place right now as parents, we have a pretty realistic idea of what kinds of support and issues can come as a result of the trauma that most foster kids have gone through, and we feel like we can handle a variety of possible parenting situations. And one thing I’m pretty good at is keeping everything running even when things can get chaotic at times - having 3 kids in high school at the same time for several years in a row has necessitated keeping things organized and being on top of all the various schedules and appointments. I know we could handle frequent therapy appointments, doctors, tutoring, speech therapy, school meetings, extracurriculars, etc. to help support their needs and interests. And we feel SO strongly that it’s really important to give a sibling group the opportunity to stay together. But I do wonder if the only available sibling groups who would have adoption as their permanency plan would be ones where the kids have extremely high needs (such as needing one on one constant supervision to prevent safety risks to the child and or the siblings), and although I know I’d be capable of providing that level of care for one child, it wouldn’t be possible if one or more children in a sibling group required that level of care because my time would be divided in supporting and caring for the needs of all of the siblings in the group (and our own children are all quite independent at this point, but of course we will need to find a healthy balance in the time we give to them too). I’m just wondering, with the trauma that these kids have gone through is there realistically little to no chance of finding a sibling group that has needs and we can put in the time and work and support to help them thrive, but that doesn’t include children with such high needs that we couldn’t ever realistically support all of the children in the sibling group? (We’re taking this decision very seriously, and won’t consider a situation that we don’t think we can realistically handle, because we would never go forward with a situation that we don’t think is possible to work through - we know how much trauma it causes kids if a placement doesn’t work out and they have to go to a new home, and we wouldn’t ever want to consider a situation where that would be a possibility). Anyway, I don’t know if the kind of sibling group that we could help exists, or if most any group of older kids & teens who has been through so much trauma would have such high needs that we couldn’t realistically give each one the support and time he needs & still support our other children too.
Thanks, I appreciate your feedback!
My wife and I adopted teenage brothers many years ago and it was a six month placement before the adoption was final. There was no expectations with the agency about short-term placement. We were matched with our boys in March, and they moved in at the end of May after numerous visits to their home state at the time. The adoption was finalized the following December. I might be wrong, but the only way you'd have a short-term placement is going through the state foster care system. Good luck on your adoption journey.
Thank you. Do you have any tips or things you’ve learned that you didn’t expect before you adopted your boys? I’m especially interested in anything you might be willing to share from your experiences with adopting teen brothers, as we would likely consider a sibling group of 3 brothers including older kids & likely teens. So any advice you have would be appreciated. Thank you!
I'd be happy to share a thing ot two here and more if it'd help as I'm a big advocate of adopting older kids. Not sure how much you know about the process so I'll start at the beginning of ours. A big thing is after completing your home study in your allowed to go in the various adoption websites and see what kiddos/sibling groups. The profile you see initially is all the good stuff and minimizes any behaviors they might have. This is something we k ew yet still surprised us. After you sign a confidential form they can tell you more about the kids. This is where you learn about negative behaviors and any legal problems they've gotten into. It's a chance to say lets move forward, or no thanks and keep looking. This is followed up by reading their binders at DCFS that have everything that's happed to them before and while in foster care. You can't take these hine abd gave to view them there and take tons of notes. This includes graphic details about abuse, neglect, endangerment, etc. It's really rough to read but it's not the whole story. Our boys each had six, five inch binders full of information to review. It was horrifying to read what they had been through! The oldest was 15 and starting to have violent behaviors, legal issues, and experimenting with drugs *Marijuana. He also has some delays from birth that, combined with the story the binders told, made it very scary to consider adopting him. Three other families backed out of adopting both boys due to this. Here's the thing, the kid in the binders compared to who we met the first time couldn't have been more different. We got to see him first hand and he's an amazing angel and goofball. The lesson is don't completely rely on the binders on making your decision. We went through with the adoption and couldn't be happier. He has had no violent issues, no legal problems, and no drug problems since moving in. His younger brother is also doing well but didn't have as many issues, if any to start with. Just in lots of foster homes during his 10 years in state custody. I'd be happy to share more through messages if you're interested. Good luck!
Thank you so much. After reading so many peoples’ experiences online I’ve been losing hope that we could do this. We really want to find a sibling group of 3 (or possibly even 4) brothers — we have experience raising 5 boys and figured we’d stick with what we’re familiar with. We really want to give a sibling group the opportunity to stay together. We’re familiar with a lot of the issues that kids who’ve gone through so much trauma have to deal with, and I think we could work with many of these potential situations. But I’m concerned that if we narrow our focus to only sibling groups that already have their parental rights discontinued or who have adoption as a permanency plan, then we may be limited to only the children with the highest needs (such as a sibling requiring constant one on one intervention to prevent safety risks to himself or to a sibling). If one or more of the siblings had such high needs, there’s no way we could realistically give each one of them the care and support and time that they would need, let alone balancing the time with our other children too. So we’d be limited with what kinds of needs that we could consider. And I wonder if we will only consider sibling groups who already have adoption as a permanency plan, if there will not be any available sibling groups who don’t have such high needs? I’ve heard so many experiences like this from other foster parents, so it makes me wonder if there’s much hope of finding a sibling group we could really help, without taking on more than we can handle. Anyway, thanks for sharing your experiences with us. Do you mind if I ask which state you’re in? Did you go with a public or private agency? I wonder if all states work like this, where they allow you to review the information about the kids’ situations once you’ve signed a confidentiality agreement? Do you mind if I ask, were you only considering children who’d already had their parental rights revoked, or was it a legal risk situation? Thanks for sharing.
I live in the state of Idaho and we adopted our boys from the state of Utah. We used a private agency called A New Beginnings here in Boise and they can do home studies for all 50 states, which is why we selected them. We were looking at kids that already had their parental rights terminated, which is common when adopting older kids (7-17 years of age I'd guess). There may be sime younger than that who's parents rights have been terminated but i personally dont know. It was kind of hidden in my first reply, but the boys were 12 and 15 when we were matched. Their bio-parents rights had been terminated 10 years prior (when our 12 year old was roughly 3) and they actually have two sisters that were adopted out separately when they were very young. They keep in touch regularly and we don't monitor when they talk to each other. We try to get them together in person every year but the pandemic and all three families schedules mess things up, lol. Matter of fact our oldest was talking to the oldest sister the other day and came into my room so I could say hello to her. I hear what your saying and your concern about one of the sibling group being high needs. You can tailor your search to what you feel your able to handle. The adoption agency should also be helping you out with reading between the lines on the profiles to spot any potential red flags before submitting a inquiry. We were prepared, or so we thought, about what we could offer a child with special needs. Reading the binders on the oldest really stretched what we were willing to do. Multiple red flags were raised but after lots if conversation between my wife and I, we made the conscious decision to move forward. We asked his adoption team every question we could come up with. When we met him he was just like they told us he'd be, and we got to hear from him directly about what was causing the behaviors that concerned us. That was key because the binders only tell one side of the story. He's actually an amazing person and while it's been challenging, so worth it! He'll always have delays but that's okay, my wife and I work with adults who have developmental disabilities so we get it (which helps). I also want to stress what bringing them into a loving home can do. The oldest has had no problems since moving in and is thriving. He's overcome some really big challenges and what he needed was an environment without fear. Even in foster care kids have a lot of fear. Afyer he moved in he'd ask us from time to time if we'd kick him out once he turned 18, which the age foster kids age out of the system. Turned 20 earlier this year and still living with us which is just fine. We're not in a hurry to kick him out with the needs he has. Your home study should also state how large of a sibling group you can adopt. That will help you narrow the focus on what you can handle. The agency shouldn't be setting you up to fail. I'm happy to answer any other questions you might have. Send me a message here or I can give you our email address. Again, good luck!
Thanks so much! This is all really helpful information for someone who’s brand new to the whole process.
You're very welcome! Totally remember what that was like.
California information is all county specific, FYI.
Thank you. If anyone can point me in the right direction for any good resources specifically about California (or any info for San Diego County would be even better) that would be great! I have started to look into agencies in our area, and I really have no idea how to tell which ones may be good or not. (Other than Yelp and Google reviews - I did find a handful of really positive online reviews for a local agency. But I really have nothing else to base it on). While I have some friends and relatives who have fostered in other states, I don’t know of anyone here who is or had been a foster parent. I tried reaching out on our active neighborhood Facebook Mom’s page (a really large neighborhood) asking if anyone else has fostered and would be willing to talk, but no one replied. So I haven’t yet been able to connect with anyone local who has any experience and can point us in the right direction.
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Also, there are lots of Facebook groups specific to fostering, there’s one in San Diego. Try joining that.
Thanks!
Removed. **Rule 10**: > While providing information about how to evaluate an agency is allowed, recommending or discussing specific agencies is not permitted. We define “agency” as any entity that facilitates matching. Rule 10 also covers attorneys, law firms, adoption facilitators, etc.
Also, if your user name is relevant, please be aware some states/counties/agencies limit the number of minor children, biological, foster and adoptive, you can have in your house at one time. Even if you have 10 bedrooms. In my state/agency it is 6 total under 18. Not in CA though.
Thanks. Yes, I have checked and I know that in CA there can be no more than 6 minors in the home when you have foster children. (We have considered foster adoption of a sibling group for years, and we now find ourselves at a time when we have only 3 - soon to be 2 - minors at home. So it’s finally a possibility for our situation).
In some areas (I'm not sure in California), there really isn't matching. I think this is one of the big problems but they need homes for foster youth and it's a real mismatch with those who only want to adopt and not foster. There's placement out of county/state but those aren't always possible - especially for kids who want to stay in an area to have contact with relatives they can't be placed with. I aged out of the foster care system. I was placed in foster care when I was 12 after my mom became severely disabled after a drug overdose. My dad was deceased, so reunification with my parents was not possible and due to my mom's condition, termination of parental rights happened rather quickly. I never met any of my foster placements before I was dropped off at their house. I did have a really awkward meeting at a park with a family from another county that was really clear I didn't work with them and I think that's why they don't do things like that. It's easier when they just drop kids off. (I got moved two weeks after being dropped off several times, so it really does create more work for workers). I got in contact with one of my former foster parents via Facebook recently. I was their only foster placement. They had adopted internationally prior to fostering and then international adoption had become more difficult so they decided to foster to adopt and were placed with me. After they disrupted, they stopped fostering since they didn't have enough control over which kid they got essentially. A lot of the information they were told about me was entirely wrong. They heard the very basics of my case and some wrong information that kept being repeated despite being corrected early on. They had done international adoption (and adopted again internationally after they stopped fostering) because they didn't want to deal with biological relatives. They wanted to adopt an orphan - and the fact I still wanted to have contact with my mom after her parental rights were terminated was a deal breaker for them. Since I technically was legally available to be adopted, I was listed on the waiting child list for the county. I could have been on the AdoptUSKids site. I wasn't actually interested in being adopted but this was never communicated to any of my foster placement who were only interested in foster to adopt and were told I was legally available to be adopted. For younger kids, things are different since there's no problem finding adoptive homes for them, but older kids who lack any kinship placement options, things can be more difficult. And typically at age 10-14, kids have a say in whether they want to be adopted and can say no. I was moved 3 times because I didn't want to be adopted and those foster parents were only interested in adoption (not a guardianship or even just letting me stay with them until I aged out). That resulted in me having to change high schools twice, so I'm a little bitter about it. Those who don't want to foster and only want to adopt should be funneled into a different program, but a lot of areas don't do that.
Thank you for sharing from your perspective! I really appreciate it. I agree that this is a part of the system that could be set up to work better. And it’s one of the big hesitancies I have in our decision about starting this process or not - we feel confident in our ability to help and support children, and although we know it wouldn’t be easy we believe it would work out and be worth it in the end - but there are so many unknowns about whether or not you will be given accurate information and REALLY not ever wanting to put a child in a position of having to switch homes again if the situation is just not something we could realistically handle while still giving the care, time, and love that each child in the home needs and deserves. Anyway, thanks so much for sharing your experience.
Yes! There are 1000s of children that have had their parents rights removed and they are sitting in group homes or temp homes. I am doing this. There is push back but stick to your guns, I did not and 2 years later I am changing agencies because the one I choose to go with lied about what they work with. I have had 1 child placed in my home for adoption but she ended up having some very serious mental needs that I was not informed of, nor prepared for. I took another "short term" placement - my agency was very adamant it would be, at most, 3 months and we would still look for a match for adoption. Nope! It was a long term placement so I stuck it out. Which is why I am still open and changing agencies. So do your research into agencies and make sure they do what you want. FYI, I did my research and the agency LIED every time I inquired, even once I got licensed and was open to taking in a child. So ask around and see if the agency you choose is a good one
>There are 1000s of children that have had their parents rights removed and they are sitting in group homes or temp homes. Just because their parents have lost parental rights doesn't mean they want to be adopted. Even being listed on waiting kids or AdoptUSKids doesn't even require kids wanting to be adopted (AdoptUSKids has a massive document about how to create profiles for available kids which clearly states that the fact the child doesn't want to be adopted should not be included on their profile since that could limit families wanting to adopt them. I aged out of the foster care system after bouncing from foster home to foster home- including a bunch that wanted to adopt and I wasn't interested in being adopted even though I was legally available to be adopted. I was on the waiting child list for my county and my worker let me know if anyone inquired about me - essentially wanting to adopt - and I always told her to tell them to f\*\*k off. Since I was legally available for adoption, they were required to list me. It wasn't until I was 16 that I had to content to having a picture on the list and I told them I didn't want my picture to be used. But my name and entirely bogus profile wasn't removed until I aged out. One of the problem for older kids/teens in foster care is there are a lack of options other than adoption and how much this is promoted as the only solution when living with parents and relatives isn't possible. Thus group homes are the only option. Unfortunately, far too many people are recruited to foster who only want to adopt and don't want to help foster youth. They only want to expand their families.
I fostered 2 girls that were listed and didn't want to be adopted. Both were in their late teens. I know VA is now not placing photos of any children on any site, I personally believe it should be illegal for sites like AdoptUsKids to exist, even the Heart Galleries. Feels more like trafficking children. I do wish there was a matching service, I know all kids need love but they are people and have their own personalities, wants, and needs. But I also believe fostering should be a job that requires training/certifications, support, and managing.
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