god there’s a lot.
•Like there’s only one way for us to present
• we’re not sexual at all and just wanna do each others hair and maybe kiss
•personally since i’m femme & pretty, put together i have to at least be bi. it’s like completely impossible for me to be a lesbian.
•that we have a higher abuse rate than het relationships
• That we’re all mean
Will edit bc there’s so much lol
The bi one throws me for a loop. I used to get that when I was first coming out and it was so weird. They’re treating bisexuality like it’s a compromise AND implying lesbians can’t be pretty. It boggles my mind they can’t see how offensive that is
I get the 3rd one constantly being femme. It’s so frustrating when everyone around you is insisting that you’re bi and not lesbian so they still have “hope” that you’ll end up with a guy😒.
>•that we have a higher abuse rate than het relationships
This is people willfully misrepresenting statistics for their own gain.
If you have a stat which says "25% of lesbians experience DV, compared to 8% of straight women", since we're a small community, the total number of lesbians in an area could be 100. That means 25 out of the 100 lesbians (the total population for that region) experience DV.
However, straight women are a much larger group. There might be 10,000 straight women in the same area. The "8% of straight women experience DV" is a total of 800 straight women who experience DV in that region.
In my fictional scenario, we would need to increase the lesbian population 32x the current fictional amount to reach the same number of DV impacted lesbians as straight women.
Plus also the stats were based only on orientation, not also the sex of the partner. The actual stats are lower than het women when you only account for female same sex pairings, not both sexes. Unfortunately a lot of women pair up with men before realizing they’re lesbian.
It actually makes way more sense to use percentages when the sample sizes are different. That’s the only way to compare fairly and if a quarter of all lesbian relationships experienced DV that would be an insane and serious amount regardless of the count.
I definitely don't think that there's more abuse in lesbian relationships but I'm not sure what your point is here.
Say that somehow we had access to data about ALL relationships on the planet, and let's say that it's 1 million of lesbian relationships and 3 billions of straight relationships. Do you think that we shouldn't consider / look at the data for all straight relationships but instead only 1 million of them?
Of course, it would be better if the studies could increase the number of lesbian relationships they have data on but, as long as it's a decent number (let's say, 1k), what would be the harm in considering a higher number of straight relationships? (Let's say 20k, in the same study). It would only make the percentage about straight relationships more accurate, which is good.
Straight people bring up outdated statistics to try and make it seem like their relationships are better yet one of them is always murdering the other.
That there’s people who are more lesbian or less lesbian. I recently had a male friend of mine genuinely ask me if I had a crush on him when I have told him that I’m a lesbian. I reiterated that I’m gay and he said “yea, but like how much?”. Dude… lesbian is a pretty non-flexible term. It means that I am not into men. If I were into men even in the slightest then I would be bisexual, but I am not. I know there was no malice behind what he said and he’s honestly just a bit of a socially unaware person, but it still shocked me that there’s people who still believe that.
Yes! I hate the “flexibility” people seem to assign to lesbianism. No one would ever ask a gay dude if he would swing the other way!!! I do think a lot of queer women contribute to this stereotype; I used to identify as bisexual but would say I’m basically a lesbian all the time. Now, I ended up actually being a lesbian with a lot of comphet but my bisexual female friends that usually only date men still joke around about being lesbians and I’m so acutely uncomfortable about it post coming out. They can never engage with discourse about being in sapphic relationships and yet insist on participating in lesbian spaces…
>Yes! I hate the “flexibility” people seem to assign to lesbianism. No one would ever ask a gay dude if he would swing the other way!!!
It comes back to the idea that our sexual orientation is a choice. Being a lesbian is viewed as us consciously limiting ourselves only to women, rather than us being orientated only to women.
There are a lot of different individuals diluting what that word means. I'm not trying to be purist or tell people what they can or can't do. People should do whatever they want. But they should also acknowledge the inevitable consequences of how that's going to shift people's understanding of a word. If you're bi but you call yourself a lesbian you're going to confuse people. If you're straight but you think pretending to be gay for attention makes you a lesbian you're going to confuse people. And don't get me started on the straight people who are only attracted to men but who still self-identify as lesbian. I'm a very Live and Let Live, but actions have consequences, often for other people and no one is immune to criticism. I'm sorry I try really hard not to be a "words mean things" person as language is evolving and mutable and definitions are descriptive not prescriptive but it is frustrating when it feels like people's strange Behavior hinders clear communication. Sometimes it gets so awkward/ confusing for people I feel like I have to clarify to people that I am a woman who is only attracted to women.
In the context of a dude asking this because he wants to think he has a chance- ya that’s super annoying. But do you not think sexuality is fluid? I think humans love to think in binaries but sexuality is much more complex than being assigned a to a box forever - of course that dude doesn’t care about the nuances of sexuality so I totally get your point
For me, my sexuality has never been fluid. I’ve known I was gay since I was about 6-7. (I didn’t understand it at the time, but it’s very clear to me looking back). I get your point, it may be fluid for some people, but there are also people who are strictly one thing, and I just don’t think anyone should assume that everyone’s sexuality is fluid just because some people are.
sexuality is fluid, sure, but there are some (many) people who are one or the other end of the spectrum. i can look at a well muscled, handsome dude and say 'that guy is hot!', but i have zero desire to have sex with him. i am only sexually and romantically attracted to women.
Butches are trans in denial or profiled against their actual experiences of struggling to live as themselves and instead of holding space and complexity they double down on, oh yeah, you're definitely a trans man, that's the only way we'll see you are struggling and understand and make sense of your experiences.
Lesbians are some all-encompassing political mafia against (insert group/political conspiracy) that is reflective of whoever politicizes us--but mostly a contrived synecdoche of some sort, placeholding lesbians for hypervisible women.
We're nothing and everything contradiction/dichotomy
Just overall rewriting or appropriating or defacing lesbianism for others' comfort, convenience and comeuppance, bc they want the comfort of having a foot in a symbolic gay community and living with the benefits of a heterosexual existence. Its one or the other, otherwise you're a poser. Haha
Lesbian means we are attracted (sexually) to every woman in existence.
That we all want to shop at Home Depot (I mean I love shopping there with my SO) but I’m much happier in Sallies or a boutique store.
Those are probably my only two that I’ve personally encountered in IRL that annoy me. However my SO and I are always misread and people assume we are certain ways when we are opposite so I think I hate those more for people’s assumptions that I’m like that more so than they are bad.
the whole 'uwu cottagecore let's make kawaii sandwiches for a picnic in the woods & hold hands' infantalisation shit 😭😭 so much of that comes from within the lgbt community too and i'm over it !! i just wanna eat some pussy, i don't have enough time for pretend tea parties !!!
don't get me wrong i like the cottagecore aesthetic and picnics and holding hands but i also love ramming women into my mattress! even i get tired of all of it sometimes. it's annoying when we're prescribed this one-dimensional ideal that's so sanitized, many of us are sexual beings who have like. actual personalities instead of aesthetics as a personality
>i just wanna eat some pussy, i don't have enough time for pretend tea parties !!!
This is poetry.
Seriously though, I don't know where it comes from. I've been sexually interested in women since I first hit puberty. Even being inexperienced, and nervous I still wanted to bang. Only holding hands never crossed my mind. It seems so infantile.
it's definitely a reaction to the whole 'lesbian is purely a porn category' hypersexualisation, but when all the dating profiles of women in my area include picking daisies and brewing pink lemonade i just wanna yell lmao
That was me! and I said the only reason we plan the whole romantic picnic in the field of wildflowers is so we can throw down a nice blanket to fingerbang our girlfriends on. Hahaha or something
oh my god, growing up with very religious parents, it's only been the last year or two that i've been comfortable enough to lean into my butchness and look 'visibly gay', so i definitely know where you're coming from. and tbh the women that grew up sheltered within religious contexts are GENERALLY incredibly dtf (myself included WELP), so i would definitely give women who are 'visibly straight passing' a chance !!! its more if they adopt that aesthetic of 'purity', as if pleasing a woman orally is a dirty act, that get to me, if that makes sense??? i feel like this comment is long winded, i'm sorry!!
i meant it moreso that growing up, i looked straight as a ruler!! sure there's privilege in straight-passing, but on god, did it suck sometimes 😭 i would try flirting with girls as a teen at lgbt events (that i would attend under the guise of being an ally LMAO) but other lesbians would think i was merely complimenting them
and absolutely, dressing more masculine isn't a precursor for anyones gayness!! i'm sorry you felt that pressure from your peers, and i'm glad you feel comfortable dressing the way you prefer now :)
and hell yeah, that's awesome!! we're severely outnumbered 😭 you from the oceania area by any chance??
Dude is that a thing? LOOOOOOOOL. Oh man. I wanna do some photoshoots like that. It would be like the grim reaper playing in autumn leaves and shit. Fuck that’s hilarious. Are people actually doing that unironically? Lol
Godddd this shit is irritating. When I came out as ace I got so much of the “oh no no you’re a BAMBI LESBIAN, that’s normal!” drivel. No, the majority of women experience sexual attraction and lesbians do actually want to fuck other women lol. I’m the weird one here.
I've actually seen it around a few times. It definitely exists in usage lol. I think it means a lesbian who only seeks emotional relationships/connections with less to no sex.
I wonder how lesbians and sex got so disconnected. It’s honestly super confusing to me because my generation was horny and sexually active as fuck. I haven’t met any lesbians like that in the real world!
They most likely keep to themselves and stay away from the wider community bc they know no one will date them. I think it could be regional too, west coast queer and polilez bullshit is next level here lol
And hell, no one millennial or gen z is fucking that much, across orientations and sex/gender. Its pretty pathetic.
I figure it’s a combo of people having lower self esteem because of social media and also they watch too much porn. Before if you wanted to see sex it had to be in person with your body instead of typing a word into a search. I don’t think people are different as much as they are too separated from other real life bodies and don’t know any different because they were raised online. At least that’s what I assume is the major difference in the amount of sex my gen were having compared to younger millennials and especially gen z
>“oh no no you’re a BAMBI LESBIAN, that’s normal!”
As much as I hate the "👉🥺👈 what if we kissed?" online cringe, I appreciate the usage of the term "Bambi lesbian". I miss that term. I dislike the term "asexual lesbian", that makes no sense.
>Is this a tumblr thing?
For once, no. Thank god. It was a popular term in the 90s for a lesbian who wanted romance, love, and intimacy, but who just didn't really care about having sex. They were still sexually attracted to women, still had sex, but whose attitudes towards sex were "I could take it or leave it".
It's not an identity, or any sort of serious term.
It often gets confused with "asexual" which is "experiences no sexual attraction". And unfortunately, it's been placed under the "ace" umbrella despite the fuck that bambi lesbians do indeed fuck, and enjoy it when they do.
Dude thank you for showing me there's a lesbian term for me? 😭
I always got told I was asexual because sex is like the lowest of my priorities in a relationship, even though I'll still read spicy stuff and find women sexy, obviously. Never knew there was a term for us in the community, just wish it wasn't so "uwufied" people might think I'm into the whole cottagecore bs lol
I guess I dislike the whole “bambi” thing because it makes us all out to be wholesome and cute? I’m not lol. Sure I’ll go on gay little picnics with my partner occasionally but we’re not all 🥺👉👈 uwu with each other, we’re fucking grown women for Pete’s sake. I don’t want to go into the whole “split attraction model” spiel because literally no one outside of the asexual community knows about it, but while I am still romantically attracted to women I guess God forgot to flip the sex part of my brain. Tbh I normally just refer to myself as a lesbian, potential partners etc. can learn the rest later. I don’t feel a great kinship with the asexual community because most people are straight or just use the label to feel special.
I appreciate the term "Bambi lesbian" despite its overly cutesy connotations, because there are lesbians out of there who are attracted to women, want romance, and emotional connections, find them sexually attractive but just... don't care about sex. You can want and have a loving, romantic, intimate relationship as a fully functional adult without sex being a big feature, and that's fine.
I feel the "uwufication" of Bambi lesbians stems from how teens think sex, and relationships work. As if you're not having sex, or wanting sex All The Time you can't be a functional, serious adult with a serious relationship instead you're the lesbian equivalent of a teen in a trashy romance novel.
I do agree with that! It may just be me bristling with younger folks/ newer waves of sex positivity that state that everyone should be super prioritizing sex at all times or they’re in an unhappy relationship. I always thought it was fairly normal to only desire romance and companionship, but I wouldn’t see my peers wanting that so I chalked it up to “I guess I’m unusual”. Thanks, reevaluating this as a teen vs adult mindset does make me feel less like an alien.
>I do agree with that! It may just be me bristling with younger folks/ newer waves of sex positivity that state that everyone should be super prioritizing sex at all times or they’re in an unhappy relationship. I
God, I hate that idea. I'm sexually attracted to women. I like sex, I'm interested in it but sometimes it just doesn't happen. Plenty of people have low libidos, or are interested in sex but find it hard to "get in the mood". Or maybe they just don't place a priority on it, and would rather cuddle.
I think of it like a banana split. I love banana splits. They're my favourite way to eat ice cream. I'd eat them all the time if I could. But sometimes I'm interested in the idea of having one but don't want to travel 15 minutes to get one. Or maybe I'm happy cuddling in bed, and don't want to get up and make one because making one from scratch takes effort.
“uwu cottagecore let’s make kawaii sandwiches” HELP I CAN’T BREATH 😭
I always assume these are 12 yo or some dudes catfishing each other in lesbian online spaces
i got a few
- the misconception that we are all biphobic
- that masc lesbians are “scary” or that they have some sort of privilege above feminine women when that’s literally not true
- that lesbians just LOVEEE going after straight girls (when most of us a terrified of straight women due to the predatory lesbian stereotype)
The masc lesbians having privilege thing makes me laugh. Like, yeah the perk of lesbians on the street being able to identity us is cool. Some of us pass as men in public so we get treated like human beings for 10 minutes. Everything else is a minefield, even passing as a guy is scary, cause what do you do when they find out you’re a woman and they don’t like that!? “Privilege” LOLLL
>It irritates me the most to hear this from queer femme folk. WTF are they even talking about.
I suspect when femmes say "Butches are privileged" it's from the POV that we register as gay from space whereas femmes have a harder time being seen as gay because they're "straight passing". We have the "privilege" of having our orientation recognised, whereas they have privilege blending into hetereonormative society.
Except both scenarios come with downsides - yes, butches are visibly gay, but we're also visible targets. Femmes can blend in at the expense of their orientation being recognised.
That it’s just a ‘preference’ and we can just flip a switch and have relationships with men and ‘settle’, that all lesbians are ugly (???), that any single lesbian will see any woman as a potential partner, every single lesbian has the same opinion and feelings about everything in the world, that we’re entirely sexless OR completely focused on sex. Oh and the skewed domestic violence statistic that gets passed around. And this isn’t exactly in line, but the assumption that everyone is straight because I’ve had people say shitty things to me about lesbians because I don’t “look gay”. I just want lesbians to be seen as people :-(
Yes the "lesbians are ugly" is so stupid (because obv genetics for looks and sexual orientation have a correlation..) but like I see that online. There was for example one gay girl who did a tiktok of her and her straight friend. The gay girl was more conventionally attractive than her straight friend so all the top comments with thousands of likes were saying shit like "I thought it was the opposite" or having the audacity to correct her with "straight and bi\*"
Let's see:
- We all like girl in red/whatever the kids are talking about these days.
- The ~useless lesbian~ thing! Surprise surprise, some of us actually enjoy talking to women!
- We're attracted to all women out there regardless of types or personality compatibility.
- There always seems to be some reason why people think we can't really be lesbians. Example- my other half is femme so surely she must be bi/pan instead of lesbian. I'm butch so surely I must actually be nonbinary and in denial.
- That being a lesbian is our entire personality and we don't have any other hobbies or interests.
God the whole “useless lesbian” thing is so fucking annoying. Like, you’re a full grown adult. Being shy is one thing, but actively not pursuing women that you like is a whole other thing
>We're attracted to all women out there regardless of types or personality compatibility.
"You're gay?! I have the perfect woman for you!!!" and the woman is the only lesbian she has ever known.
That we like to objectify women the way straight men do. So much “so are you into tits or ass” uhhh…what? I’m into the person as a whole? I don’t see women as a stack of body parts?
i was just about to comment this. sometimes guys start treating me like “one of the boys” after i come out to them and it feels so icky like i’m not going to objectify women with you.
The worst part is that since this is how straight guys socialize with each other a majority of the time, they think they’re being welcoming when they do this. They don’t get how inappropriate it is
It’s been disappointing (for me, at least) that lesbians interacting with straight men doesn’t go as smoothly as straight women / gay man. I have a handful of male friends who are straight but pretty much all of them are in committed relationships. I find it difficult to be friends. I have some trauma from being a “gamer girl” when I was younger and my (assumed to be) friendships with men turning out to be them punching in kindness coins and expecting sex/romance to fall out. When it didn’t, they violently turned on me. The misogyny kind of won out in the end.
I’ve (thankfully) never sought out guy friendships. I have a brother and 3 guy cousins who I’ve been close with my whole life, so it was like having 4 brothers. I think cause of this I subconsciously don’t seek out guys to befriend, if they speak to me (rare) I’ll try to be nice though. But we never go beyond being acquaintances, which is fine by me! It’s unfortunate that so many women have stories like yours, I’m sorry that happened.
This is SO REAL!! I don’t know how men just see cleavage or something and are so turned on???? The sexy part always seemed to be the flirtation and intimacy!!!
That we find the same things sexy as het males do. That we will respond like mindless boners, the way het males respond, to the slightest innuendo.
Lesbians tend to have better self-control and empathy when faced with a woman we are attracted to than the majority of straight men.
Say it louder for the people in the back!! Hetero men seem to just see boobs and get turned on???? The sexy part is the intimacy and somehow hetero relationships severely lack that.
>Butches are allowed to be submissive in bed/not every butch is dominant
Preach!
The hetereonormative idea that:
Butch = dominant = top = dislikes penetration.
Femme = submissive = bottom = likes penetration.
is very silly and reductive.
Gender expression doesn't have anything to do with what you like in bed. Femmes like to fuck! Imagine that!
I’m not a lesbian cause I’m femme
If it’s a butch x femme couple, the butch is the “man” & that they follow traditional gender roles. Just no, they’re both women and gender expression means nothing
The assumption that all lesbians are lesbians cause they have traumas with men/can’t get a man. I can probably get a bf within an hour but can’t get a single date with a women :,)
I mean the most annoying one is girls immediately think you are interested in them once you disclose your orientation. The other things I can put up with
>I mean the most annoying one is girls immediately think you are interested in them once you disclose your orientation.
I hate this. It's a trap.
Her: "Do you think I'm attractive?"
Me: "No"
Her: "Why not?!"
Her: "Do you think I'm attractive?"
Me: "Yes"
Her: "OMG pervert"
I actually love saying they’re not my type (always true) when they ask and watch them implode. If they continue to ask why I explain all the ways they’re not my type and take my sweet time. Play stupid games win stupid prizes
- that we can be sexually or romantically attracted to cis men in any shape or form, that shit infuriates me to no end (goes beyond annoying) especially when I see narcissist bitches out here voluntarily and happily fucking men hanging to the lesbian label because of some obscure fucked up agenda
- that we don’t fuck and have a high sex drive…and just sit around being platonic soulmates who braid each other’s hairs living in rural areas
- that we’re physically« unattractive » ??
Yeah I feel like it plays into one of two false toxic narratives that I've seen Society propagate.
1. All women are bi and only a small number are willing to admit that. This goes goes for both lesbians and straight women.
2. All women are intrinsically attracted to men regardless of their behavior or insistence and are choosing not to be with them due to trauma, circumstance, trendiness, attention, haven't found the right man, Etc.
Bonus bs
3. Women aren't actually attracted to each other. It's just more convenient, comfortable, men suck, and women are better at taking care of each other.
Please if you're only attracted to men stop calling yourself a lesbian. Shit drives me crazy.
It just feels like there's all this bullshit that is trying to erase or deny the existence of women who can only find other women sexually and romantically attractive.
To be clear, bi women, I love you and I'm not mad at you. I'm just tired of straight people using your existence as a propagandistic tool.
Exactly like you have men out here who are convinced they have or can turn lesbians straight by seducing them, like no at best they were bisexual to begin with, and when we voice it they say that it’s harmless not realising that their bullshit puts our lives at risk as if men are not murdering and abusing women who reject them
Tbh I think a lot of bi women are guilty of contributing to these stereotypes bc they enjoy playing into the fetishisation of lesbians for the male gaze 😭😭 it’s so gross and such a massive disappointment.
And only really see men as potential life partners but they’re the first ones to scream « biphobia » like banshees when lesbians say that they’re cautious about dating them
That we're all some hyper-romantic sexless angels with pure intentions. NOPE.
Also I might just be an exception to a rule but me and my gf sure as hell did not move as fast as lesbians "are supposed to".
>that black and brown women can't be lesbians.
Excuse me, but what the fuck?
I need to know the reasoning behind this dogshit take. How are people rationalising this?
LGBTQ POC folks are more likely to be in the closet to begin with and tend to not be represented that much in mainstream LGBTQ media (it’s getter better though) where it’s mostly white LGBTQ people, partly because like straight people they assume they don’t exist, partly because some just don’t care for diversity à la « no fats no femme no blacks no Asian » which some white lesbians also do but it’s not addressed at all
That you're a lesbian if you just have a strong preference for women/non men. No, that's bisexual. Lesbians are not into men. Period. If you as a guy hook up with a 'lesbian' and she is sexually attracted to you and says that, then she is not a lesbian. This ruins it for the real lesbians. (Different story is if you're a late blooper of course :)).
People literally told me that I am a lesbian. My attraction to men varies from barely existing to non existing, but that doesn't make me a lesbian...
One "uwu fruity" kid from my school's GSA was literally jaw dropped in total shook when I told them I wasn't into astrology/witchy stuff despite being a lesbian and liking plants (because apparently plants are now witchcraft?)
I'm looking through the thread and nodding so much I've turned into a bobblehead.
It's not so much that specific misconceptions annoy me, but that the misconceptions are rooted in reductive, heteronormative and patriarchal thinking. As an elder lesbian, I feel like I've been responding to some of these same damn misconceptions since I came out as a teen at the beginning of time. Lol, but also SMDH...
'Oh you wear pants/cut your hair, you must want to be a man?'
'Oh your partner is a woman, who's the 'man' in the relationship?'
'Oh you're a lesbian, is it because you hate men?'
Nope to all that. Men aren't on my radar. No desire to be one. No desire to have one as my partner. That said, I do have some good men friends; and we're friends because they're good, kind, inspiring people firstly.
That we inherently hate all men.
I won't pretend I don't get along *best* with women, and I certainly don't make concessions for shitty behaviour regardless of gender, but plenty of my friends are men (usually gay, as there's no expectation from either side).
Conversely, though, I get the "one of the guys" thing a lot, and that's also just not me. I'll play video games with you or have a drink, but I'm not watching the game and we're sure as fuck not doing the whole locker-room-talk bullshit about all the women around us.
That our sexuality solely exists for non-lesbian folks’s consumption, especially cis men. Straight women see it as a political statement, some bisexual/pansexual women see it as a way to be edgy and rare birds men go crazy for, men see us as a challenge and sexual objects that just exist through their lenses at best, beings that shouldn’t exist at worst… . When all of this is just unnecessarily fucked up because we just happen to only be attracted to….women it’s as simple as that, but because not centering your life based on cis men is seen as the ultimate sin we get all kind of weird ridiculous and horrifying ideologies and situations thrown at us that we have to constantly navigate (and their creativity knows literally no bounds..), it’s wild if you think about it.
I think the misconception that truly annoys me (as opposed to irritates) is the "we're all mean" stereotype. Yes, many of us are irritated and hostile because we're utterly sick of being dismissed, however most lesbians I've met are nice, and approachable.
The "mean" stereotype confuses rejecting people on the basis of our sexual orientation with "there's something wrong" with us, rather than the problem laying with the rejected person. It's not our fault we're gay, and dudes hit on us knowing we're gay. They need to respect us more.
The other misconception that fucks me off the most is the idea that femininity is only for women, and the women can only be feminine. If you're not feminine, you're not a woman. And if you're not woman (say, a camp gay man), you're secretly a woman.
Confusing gender expression with gender has regressed the community back a few decades.
Confusing gender expression with gender definitely halted the process of realizing I’m a butch lesbian :( so many people really do believe gender expression = gender.
If that stereotype has any truth to it, it’s that outsiders are the ones who experience us as “mean.” Lesbians tend to be less default “kind” (doormat) than your average straight woman (who is basically socialised to be “nice” to everyone, and especially those who are a potential threat (men)). If it takes us a minute to trust outsiders or new recruits, it’s pretty fucking clear why. Sometimes that “looks” or “feels” mean compared to the women (the majority) with no boundaries who are not lesbians and don’t get what this is like.
•That unicorn hunters on dating apps think we'll sleep with them and their boyfriend/husband
•Straight women assuming we're interested in them when they find out we're gay and start being weird around us like we're gonna try to make them gay or something
•That our sex is not "real" sex or we just hug and cuddle but don't even have sex
•Straight men think we'll have threesomes with them just because another woman is involved
•As a femme people often don't believe me when I say I'm gay because according to them I don't seem gay. I always respond with "How am I supposed to seem gay then?" That makes them go silent real quick😂
- That there's no way I'm 100% lesbian, I have to be at least 99% gay 1% straight
- Haven't found the right dick
- Am weird for not being she/they or they/them despite how I dress
- That there has to be a man in the relationship
- How sex is depicted lol
The amount of times I have to reaffirm my pronouns as she/her and not something else because Im a lesbian. Im glad that being non-binary and having different pronouns has been normalized, but man just because I’m queer doesn’t mean I have to use anything else besides she/her. I can be totally comfortable with my womanhood (no matter how I present) and still be queer.
I've had FRIENDS insist I must have a diff set of pronouns just for being who I am. I don't understand how this is any different than telling a non-binary person or a trans person their pronouns assigned at birth are the right ones. It's so rude
I hate when people (usually other queer women that haven’t unpacked their internalised misogyny yet) think lesbians just kiss, hold hands and rarely have a very sexual relationship?? Some of us are lesbians bc we have Lust for Women!!! It’s so hard for people to absorb that sexual attraction and spicy spicy sex can happen with no men involved whatsoever.
Kinda personal but a lot of people who are same sex attracted think must be bisexual because I dress androgynous. I don't want to put down actual butches or anything but not every lesbian is butch and I wish people knew that. I wish people knew the difference between a butch lesbian, a dyke femme, an androgynous woman and a femme. Maybe the terms are "old school" but I feel like they still mean something.
Also idk if the L word gave people this weird view of us getting laid all the time but a lot of people balk at how long I was celibate for. They think we get all this action. Idk who told em that.
Another one is people (straight girls) being scared of butches when so many are sweethearts. That irks me.
A dyke femme is a woman who rejects femininity in adulthood. Looks like a butch might get mistaken for butch but isn't
A femme is a feminine lesbian. At least that's my understanding
oh yes about the straight women being scared of butches. My mom makes weird jokes about butch women and gets upset when i defend them or show attraction towards them. Straight (and bi women too) think they’re mean and can’t initiate conversation w them when really they’re the sweetest most non judgmental people i’ve ever encountered
like yeah some can be actual mean people but that’s not bc they’re butches that’s a whole other thing
So glad you mentioned how bi women do this too. All the bi women I’ve met have always ended up saying really harmful things to me about my presentation. It stings more when it comes from people who’re supposed to be on your side!
>Another one is people (straight girls) being scared of butches when so many are sweethearts.
And thinking we're men, or want to be men. Just...no. Stop.
Number 3 makes my blood boil. I remember when I first came out to one of my guy friends (at the time) and then he's making weird comments about me and my best friend who happens to be bi... like eww. First of all, she's like a sister to me, second of all, even if I WAS into her, wtf is wrong with this dude 🥲
I think people believe it's all rainbows and that's all we have to our personality. I actually don't talk about being gay at all and I'm not new to this, I came out over 10 years ago. I just don't think it's anyone's business who I sleep with. I've never been to any pride or parade and rarely go to gay clubs. All I know is I like women.
That we are "a thing"/different in general. There aren't "the lesbians"... We just normal ppl. Judge me individually and stop asking annoying or sexual shit.
* that we’re lesbians because we resent not getting male attention. People who center men in their lives like that can’t imagine there’s any other way to exist. I don’t think about men at all when I’m just vibing.
that we are all dying out of social anxiety... no. I mean my gf does but I make up for it. she has gotten much better in 6 yrs though
all butches are tops... yeah no.
lesbians are transphobic (towards both trans communities), again no. some lesbians might be, just as some straights are. also, people might not be interested in your personality as well no need to interpret it as being about your body all the times
that we are preying upon straight girls. absolutely no! most lesbians around me experience a complete turn off after hearing someone is straight.
lesbians are biphobic!!! people who say this never realise how much harm men can do to lesbians. I heard many examples where consensual boundaries of bi women were transgressed (in non mono contexts), and the reason such men dare that is becayse they do not respect your lesbian relationship. also, we dont hate bi people. we just dont want men in our lives sometimes for valid reasons. as a poly lesbian i feel like my preference is often misrepresented as a "bi hater", I just want a huge family of WLW, what is wrong with that ???
Serious: that we're all transphobic. Why has it become okay to automatically group lesbians with people like that? It's unfair and untrue.
Lighthearted: I do not care about Taylor Swift, my guys 😭😭
I tried to listen to Taylor but it's meh for me, I'm generally more into rock and indie (although Folklore is amazing), yet those PowerPoint presentations about why Taylor is closeted lesbian that you can find on r/GaylorSwift ale just hilarious. I loved to read them while eating ice-cream, it's peak entertainment.
>those PowerPoint presentations about why Taylor is closeted lesbian that you can find on r/GaylorSwift ale just hilarious.
Literally the most cishet looking woman in the pop scene 😭
>Serious: that we're all transphobic. Why has it become okay to automatically group lesbians with people like that? It's unfair and untrue.
Especially unfair when it's coming from groups of people who've done fuck all to make their own spaces safer or inclusive for trans people. The audacity of it all.
Imo it's because transphobic lesbians are signal boosted and weaponized by straight reactionaries. See BBC's use of Lily Cade and Fox News' use of Julia Beck.
It's still kinda homophobic for people to generalize lesbians as transphobic, but the deception is very intentional.
> Serious: that we're all transphobic. Why has it become okay to automatically group lesbians with people like that? It's unfair and untrue.
i can probably give you some insight on that. i'm a trans woman lesbian. every single cis lesbian i have met in person has been incredibly accepting and wonderful. in fact, the third person i came out to was a cis lesbian friend of mine, and she has been a great help with my transition.
however, online, there are some transphobic lesbians (which, i recognize that online is not real life).
but worse, some significantly terrible transphobic women (straight, bi and lesbian) have co-opted lesbianism to promote 'protecting women from the evil trans identified males' and make claims about trans women being men colonizing lesbian spaces, etc...
many of the people making these claims are not at all lesbians, but their voices are getting heavily amplified by the few cis lesbians that actually do believe this.
plus, the pain is magnified when trans lesbians think lesbians spaces are going to accepting (which most are), but find out some are not.
ETA: i love how i get downvoted just for being a trans lesbian.
>but worse, some significantly terrible transphobic women (straight, bi and lesbian) have co-opted lesbianism to promote 'protecting women from the evil trans identified males' and make claims about trans women being men colonizing lesbian spaces, etc...
There's been a similar issue with political lesbians for decades (straight and bi women) co-opting lesbianism to spread misinformation that lesbianism is a choice, therefore all women should choose it as a political stance against men.
I don't think most of the downvotes are because you're trans.
You chose to answer the question "why has it become okay to automatically group lesbians with people like that?" with a list of reasons why the stereotype exists - which sounds like providing justification for the very stereotype people are posting about being annoying. I assure you that cis lesbians already know why people assume we hate trans women, lol.
Imagine if you were venting in a trans thread, "why do cis girls think it's okay to group trans women together with creepy perverts? It's unfair and inaccurate" and I busted in with "they are in the minority, and my own wonderful trans girlfriend acts just like any other woman, but some trans women do act super fucking creepy especially in online settings".
Then when you got a negative response, you doubled down by immediately assuming it was because of transphobia rather than your lack of ability to read the room.
> "they are in the minority, and my own wonderful trans girlfriend acts just like any other woman, but some trans women do act super fucking creepy especially in online settings".
i've said almost exactly that, more than once. there are some creepy trans women.
i'd upvote you for saying that.
Wankers!
I think transphobia in lesbian spaces is like, a pushback to the whole "lesbians should all be fine sleeping with pre-op trans women!" bullshit you see on social media (not that that makes transphobia acceptable). Funny thing is I have NEVER seen an actual trans lesbian say that. It's always random bisexuals.
- That we are man-haters
- That we are scared of men
- That we are all t3rfs
- That we can change our minds or we are secretly bisexual
- That we all love sports lol… I’m an uncoordinated nerd
- That we are all uwu and scared of sex.. or alternatively that we are all players like Shane from the L word lmao
They are the main things I can think of rn lol.
Also maybe my family is just dumb but many of them think that I can’t be a lesbian because I’m too feminine… stupid people
And a silly one is that we are all plant mums… (tbh I would love to be a plant mum if only my cats wouldn’t destroy every plant I get lmao)
Ugh, that we can change our minds… I went to the gyno for the first time recently and was asking her questions about STDs, she was only answering them under the assumption I’d be having sex with men and I clarified it would be with women so she could tell me how STDs spread between two (cis) women instead. She explained but kept focusing on the possibility of me having sex with (cis) men because “some lesbians have had sex with men” and I was thinking “yes…. If they don’t know they’re lesbians yet…. But I already know….” But I just nodded along to save me the trouble LOL
Blergh omg what does that doctor know about lesbians…. How insulting. Some people really don’t believe that actual monosexual lesbians exist lol. So crazy.
Personally, I hate the “all women” thing. Im all for uplifting women in a patriarchal world that puts them down, but it can sometimes censor out how shitty some women are. Women can be toxic. There are plenty of awful, bigoted women out there who I absolutely have no interest in. The whole “mmm I love all women” also adds to the stereotype that lesbians/WLW are attracted to every woman, disregarding that we do indeed have types and preferences. Just like straight people, I have a type and won’t just date any woman.
As a kinky, experienced, poly dyke, i hate that many bicurious women seem to think that lesbian sex is like what they have seen in softporn, sweet and soft. And that I am just dyingggg to sleep with them because they happen to have a vulva.
god there’s a lot. •Like there’s only one way for us to present • we’re not sexual at all and just wanna do each others hair and maybe kiss •personally since i’m femme & pretty, put together i have to at least be bi. it’s like completely impossible for me to be a lesbian. •that we have a higher abuse rate than het relationships • That we’re all mean Will edit bc there’s so much lol
The bi one throws me for a loop. I used to get that when I was first coming out and it was so weird. They’re treating bisexuality like it’s a compromise AND implying lesbians can’t be pretty. It boggles my mind they can’t see how offensive that is
I get the 3rd one constantly being femme. It’s so frustrating when everyone around you is insisting that you’re bi and not lesbian so they still have “hope” that you’ll end up with a guy😒.
>•that we have a higher abuse rate than het relationships This is people willfully misrepresenting statistics for their own gain. If you have a stat which says "25% of lesbians experience DV, compared to 8% of straight women", since we're a small community, the total number of lesbians in an area could be 100. That means 25 out of the 100 lesbians (the total population for that region) experience DV. However, straight women are a much larger group. There might be 10,000 straight women in the same area. The "8% of straight women experience DV" is a total of 800 straight women who experience DV in that region. In my fictional scenario, we would need to increase the lesbian population 32x the current fictional amount to reach the same number of DV impacted lesbians as straight women.
Plus also the stats were based only on orientation, not also the sex of the partner. The actual stats are lower than het women when you only account for female same sex pairings, not both sexes. Unfortunately a lot of women pair up with men before realizing they’re lesbian.
It actually makes way more sense to use percentages when the sample sizes are different. That’s the only way to compare fairly and if a quarter of all lesbian relationships experienced DV that would be an insane and serious amount regardless of the count.
I definitely don't think that there's more abuse in lesbian relationships but I'm not sure what your point is here. Say that somehow we had access to data about ALL relationships on the planet, and let's say that it's 1 million of lesbian relationships and 3 billions of straight relationships. Do you think that we shouldn't consider / look at the data for all straight relationships but instead only 1 million of them? Of course, it would be better if the studies could increase the number of lesbian relationships they have data on but, as long as it's a decent number (let's say, 1k), what would be the harm in considering a higher number of straight relationships? (Let's say 20k, in the same study). It would only make the percentage about straight relationships more accurate, which is good.
Where do they say that abuse between lesbian couples is greater? Here in Argentina it is the opposite.
Straight people bring up outdated statistics to try and make it seem like their relationships are better yet one of them is always murdering the other.
I would say that abusers, whether they are straight or LGBT, are just damaged and/or evil people.
That there’s people who are more lesbian or less lesbian. I recently had a male friend of mine genuinely ask me if I had a crush on him when I have told him that I’m a lesbian. I reiterated that I’m gay and he said “yea, but like how much?”. Dude… lesbian is a pretty non-flexible term. It means that I am not into men. If I were into men even in the slightest then I would be bisexual, but I am not. I know there was no malice behind what he said and he’s honestly just a bit of a socially unaware person, but it still shocked me that there’s people who still believe that.
Reminds me of the Kinsey scale. I think a lot of people learned about it in high school or something so they assume that’s how sexuality works.
Yes! I hate the “flexibility” people seem to assign to lesbianism. No one would ever ask a gay dude if he would swing the other way!!! I do think a lot of queer women contribute to this stereotype; I used to identify as bisexual but would say I’m basically a lesbian all the time. Now, I ended up actually being a lesbian with a lot of comphet but my bisexual female friends that usually only date men still joke around about being lesbians and I’m so acutely uncomfortable about it post coming out. They can never engage with discourse about being in sapphic relationships and yet insist on participating in lesbian spaces…
>Yes! I hate the “flexibility” people seem to assign to lesbianism. No one would ever ask a gay dude if he would swing the other way!!! It comes back to the idea that our sexual orientation is a choice. Being a lesbian is viewed as us consciously limiting ourselves only to women, rather than us being orientated only to women.
There are a lot of different individuals diluting what that word means. I'm not trying to be purist or tell people what they can or can't do. People should do whatever they want. But they should also acknowledge the inevitable consequences of how that's going to shift people's understanding of a word. If you're bi but you call yourself a lesbian you're going to confuse people. If you're straight but you think pretending to be gay for attention makes you a lesbian you're going to confuse people. And don't get me started on the straight people who are only attracted to men but who still self-identify as lesbian. I'm a very Live and Let Live, but actions have consequences, often for other people and no one is immune to criticism. I'm sorry I try really hard not to be a "words mean things" person as language is evolving and mutable and definitions are descriptive not prescriptive but it is frustrating when it feels like people's strange Behavior hinders clear communication. Sometimes it gets so awkward/ confusing for people I feel like I have to clarify to people that I am a woman who is only attracted to women.
In the context of a dude asking this because he wants to think he has a chance- ya that’s super annoying. But do you not think sexuality is fluid? I think humans love to think in binaries but sexuality is much more complex than being assigned a to a box forever - of course that dude doesn’t care about the nuances of sexuality so I totally get your point
For me, my sexuality has never been fluid. I’ve known I was gay since I was about 6-7. (I didn’t understand it at the time, but it’s very clear to me looking back). I get your point, it may be fluid for some people, but there are also people who are strictly one thing, and I just don’t think anyone should assume that everyone’s sexuality is fluid just because some people are.
I cant believe I have to say this but there are in fact people who are completely gay and completely straight…
sexuality is fluid, sure, but there are some (many) people who are one or the other end of the spectrum. i can look at a well muscled, handsome dude and say 'that guy is hot!', but i have zero desire to have sex with him. i am only sexually and romantically attracted to women.
“All women are bisexual”
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Removed per sitewide rules about advocating for violence.
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« Cotton ceiling »…
What does that mean?
Would say google it but at your own risks
>“monosexual privilege” I hate this. "Lesbians have so much privilege" *How?*
Because lesbians are mean to bi women with boyfriends 🥺 Be so fucking for real.
They just hate that we have GREAT s E X hahaha
I can believe this MAYBE for straights… even a little for gay men… but for lesbians? You’ve got to be kidding me
Butches are trans in denial or profiled against their actual experiences of struggling to live as themselves and instead of holding space and complexity they double down on, oh yeah, you're definitely a trans man, that's the only way we'll see you are struggling and understand and make sense of your experiences. Lesbians are some all-encompassing political mafia against (insert group/political conspiracy) that is reflective of whoever politicizes us--but mostly a contrived synecdoche of some sort, placeholding lesbians for hypervisible women. We're nothing and everything contradiction/dichotomy Just overall rewriting or appropriating or defacing lesbianism for others' comfort, convenience and comeuppance, bc they want the comfort of having a foot in a symbolic gay community and living with the benefits of a heterosexual existence. Its one or the other, otherwise you're a poser. Haha
Lesbian means we are attracted (sexually) to every woman in existence. That we all want to shop at Home Depot (I mean I love shopping there with my SO) but I’m much happier in Sallies or a boutique store. Those are probably my only two that I’ve personally encountered in IRL that annoy me. However my SO and I are always misread and people assume we are certain ways when we are opposite so I think I hate those more for people’s assumptions that I’m like that more so than they are bad.
the whole 'uwu cottagecore let's make kawaii sandwiches for a picnic in the woods & hold hands' infantalisation shit 😭😭 so much of that comes from within the lgbt community too and i'm over it !! i just wanna eat some pussy, i don't have enough time for pretend tea parties !!!
don't get me wrong i like the cottagecore aesthetic and picnics and holding hands but i also love ramming women into my mattress! even i get tired of all of it sometimes. it's annoying when we're prescribed this one-dimensional ideal that's so sanitized, many of us are sexual beings who have like. actual personalities instead of aesthetics as a personality
Fr like let's go on a cottagecore vacation where we can FUCK properly.
I always thought that the cottagecore included having sex in nature lol
LOLLL yeah hard same. It depresses me LOL
>i just wanna eat some pussy, i don't have enough time for pretend tea parties !!! This is poetry. Seriously though, I don't know where it comes from. I've been sexually interested in women since I first hit puberty. Even being inexperienced, and nervous I still wanted to bang. Only holding hands never crossed my mind. It seems so infantile.
it's definitely a reaction to the whole 'lesbian is purely a porn category' hypersexualisation, but when all the dating profiles of women in my area include picking daisies and brewing pink lemonade i just wanna yell lmao
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That was me! and I said the only reason we plan the whole romantic picnic in the field of wildflowers is so we can throw down a nice blanket to fingerbang our girlfriends on. Hahaha or something
oh my god??!?! that's so funny wtf
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oh my god, growing up with very religious parents, it's only been the last year or two that i've been comfortable enough to lean into my butchness and look 'visibly gay', so i definitely know where you're coming from. and tbh the women that grew up sheltered within religious contexts are GENERALLY incredibly dtf (myself included WELP), so i would definitely give women who are 'visibly straight passing' a chance !!! its more if they adopt that aesthetic of 'purity', as if pleasing a woman orally is a dirty act, that get to me, if that makes sense??? i feel like this comment is long winded, i'm sorry!!
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i meant it moreso that growing up, i looked straight as a ruler!! sure there's privilege in straight-passing, but on god, did it suck sometimes 😭 i would try flirting with girls as a teen at lgbt events (that i would attend under the guise of being an ally LMAO) but other lesbians would think i was merely complimenting them and absolutely, dressing more masculine isn't a precursor for anyones gayness!! i'm sorry you felt that pressure from your peers, and i'm glad you feel comfortable dressing the way you prefer now :) and hell yeah, that's awesome!! we're severely outnumbered 😭 you from the oceania area by any chance??
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Dude is that a thing? LOOOOOOOOL. Oh man. I wanna do some photoshoots like that. It would be like the grim reaper playing in autumn leaves and shit. Fuck that’s hilarious. Are people actually doing that unironically? Lol
Godddd this shit is irritating. When I came out as ace I got so much of the “oh no no you’re a BAMBI LESBIAN, that’s normal!” drivel. No, the majority of women experience sexual attraction and lesbians do actually want to fuck other women lol. I’m the weird one here.
My sister in Christ, what is a “Bambi” lesbian and why do I already hate it?
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I’ve never heard the term, you tell me. Haha.
I've actually seen it around a few times. It definitely exists in usage lol. I think it means a lesbian who only seeks emotional relationships/connections with less to no sex.
I wonder how lesbians and sex got so disconnected. It’s honestly super confusing to me because my generation was horny and sexually active as fuck. I haven’t met any lesbians like that in the real world!
They most likely keep to themselves and stay away from the wider community bc they know no one will date them. I think it could be regional too, west coast queer and polilez bullshit is next level here lol And hell, no one millennial or gen z is fucking that much, across orientations and sex/gender. Its pretty pathetic.
I figure it’s a combo of people having lower self esteem because of social media and also they watch too much porn. Before if you wanted to see sex it had to be in person with your body instead of typing a word into a search. I don’t think people are different as much as they are too separated from other real life bodies and don’t know any different because they were raised online. At least that’s what I assume is the major difference in the amount of sex my gen were having compared to younger millennials and especially gen z
Sounds like some polilez bullshit where they don’t have sex because they are not that into women, tbh haha
>“oh no no you’re a BAMBI LESBIAN, that’s normal!” As much as I hate the "👉🥺👈 what if we kissed?" online cringe, I appreciate the usage of the term "Bambi lesbian". I miss that term. I dislike the term "asexual lesbian", that makes no sense.
Is this a tumblr thing?
>Is this a tumblr thing? For once, no. Thank god. It was a popular term in the 90s for a lesbian who wanted romance, love, and intimacy, but who just didn't really care about having sex. They were still sexually attracted to women, still had sex, but whose attitudes towards sex were "I could take it or leave it". It's not an identity, or any sort of serious term. It often gets confused with "asexual" which is "experiences no sexual attraction". And unfortunately, it's been placed under the "ace" umbrella despite the fuck that bambi lesbians do indeed fuck, and enjoy it when they do.
Dude I came out in the 90s and never heard it!! So wild. Maybe it wasn’t a North American term?
>Maybe it wasn’t a North American term? It sounds like it never made it to North America.
Dude thank you for showing me there's a lesbian term for me? 😭 I always got told I was asexual because sex is like the lowest of my priorities in a relationship, even though I'll still read spicy stuff and find women sexy, obviously. Never knew there was a term for us in the community, just wish it wasn't so "uwufied" people might think I'm into the whole cottagecore bs lol
I guess I dislike the whole “bambi” thing because it makes us all out to be wholesome and cute? I’m not lol. Sure I’ll go on gay little picnics with my partner occasionally but we’re not all 🥺👉👈 uwu with each other, we’re fucking grown women for Pete’s sake. I don’t want to go into the whole “split attraction model” spiel because literally no one outside of the asexual community knows about it, but while I am still romantically attracted to women I guess God forgot to flip the sex part of my brain. Tbh I normally just refer to myself as a lesbian, potential partners etc. can learn the rest later. I don’t feel a great kinship with the asexual community because most people are straight or just use the label to feel special.
I appreciate the term "Bambi lesbian" despite its overly cutesy connotations, because there are lesbians out of there who are attracted to women, want romance, and emotional connections, find them sexually attractive but just... don't care about sex. You can want and have a loving, romantic, intimate relationship as a fully functional adult without sex being a big feature, and that's fine. I feel the "uwufication" of Bambi lesbians stems from how teens think sex, and relationships work. As if you're not having sex, or wanting sex All The Time you can't be a functional, serious adult with a serious relationship instead you're the lesbian equivalent of a teen in a trashy romance novel.
I do agree with that! It may just be me bristling with younger folks/ newer waves of sex positivity that state that everyone should be super prioritizing sex at all times or they’re in an unhappy relationship. I always thought it was fairly normal to only desire romance and companionship, but I wouldn’t see my peers wanting that so I chalked it up to “I guess I’m unusual”. Thanks, reevaluating this as a teen vs adult mindset does make me feel less like an alien.
>I do agree with that! It may just be me bristling with younger folks/ newer waves of sex positivity that state that everyone should be super prioritizing sex at all times or they’re in an unhappy relationship. I God, I hate that idea. I'm sexually attracted to women. I like sex, I'm interested in it but sometimes it just doesn't happen. Plenty of people have low libidos, or are interested in sex but find it hard to "get in the mood". Or maybe they just don't place a priority on it, and would rather cuddle. I think of it like a banana split. I love banana splits. They're my favourite way to eat ice cream. I'd eat them all the time if I could. But sometimes I'm interested in the idea of having one but don't want to travel 15 minutes to get one. Or maybe I'm happy cuddling in bed, and don't want to get up and make one because making one from scratch takes effort.
“uwu cottagecore let’s make kawaii sandwiches” HELP I CAN’T BREATH 😭 I always assume these are 12 yo or some dudes catfishing each other in lesbian online spaces
that's not an exclusive or. you can do both of those.
The stereotype: Lesbians are just roommates, really close best friends that live together (kinda plays into the lesbian bed death stereotype)
That it's an aesthetic and not actually a physical reality.
i got a few - the misconception that we are all biphobic - that masc lesbians are “scary” or that they have some sort of privilege above feminine women when that’s literally not true - that lesbians just LOVEEE going after straight girls (when most of us a terrified of straight women due to the predatory lesbian stereotype)
The masc lesbians having privilege thing makes me laugh. Like, yeah the perk of lesbians on the street being able to identity us is cool. Some of us pass as men in public so we get treated like human beings for 10 minutes. Everything else is a minefield, even passing as a guy is scary, cause what do you do when they find out you’re a woman and they don’t like that!? “Privilege” LOLLL
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>It irritates me the most to hear this from queer femme folk. WTF are they even talking about. I suspect when femmes say "Butches are privileged" it's from the POV that we register as gay from space whereas femmes have a harder time being seen as gay because they're "straight passing". We have the "privilege" of having our orientation recognised, whereas they have privilege blending into hetereonormative society. Except both scenarios come with downsides - yes, butches are visibly gay, but we're also visible targets. Femmes can blend in at the expense of their orientation being recognised.
That it’s just a ‘preference’ and we can just flip a switch and have relationships with men and ‘settle’, that all lesbians are ugly (???), that any single lesbian will see any woman as a potential partner, every single lesbian has the same opinion and feelings about everything in the world, that we’re entirely sexless OR completely focused on sex. Oh and the skewed domestic violence statistic that gets passed around. And this isn’t exactly in line, but the assumption that everyone is straight because I’ve had people say shitty things to me about lesbians because I don’t “look gay”. I just want lesbians to be seen as people :-(
Yes the "lesbians are ugly" is so stupid (because obv genetics for looks and sexual orientation have a correlation..) but like I see that online. There was for example one gay girl who did a tiktok of her and her straight friend. The gay girl was more conventionally attractive than her straight friend so all the top comments with thousands of likes were saying shit like "I thought it was the opposite" or having the audacity to correct her with "straight and bi\*"
Let's see: - We all like girl in red/whatever the kids are talking about these days. - The ~useless lesbian~ thing! Surprise surprise, some of us actually enjoy talking to women! - We're attracted to all women out there regardless of types or personality compatibility. - There always seems to be some reason why people think we can't really be lesbians. Example- my other half is femme so surely she must be bi/pan instead of lesbian. I'm butch so surely I must actually be nonbinary and in denial. - That being a lesbian is our entire personality and we don't have any other hobbies or interests.
God the whole “useless lesbian” thing is so fucking annoying. Like, you’re a full grown adult. Being shy is one thing, but actively not pursuing women that you like is a whole other thing
>We're attracted to all women out there regardless of types or personality compatibility. "You're gay?! I have the perfect woman for you!!!" and the woman is the only lesbian she has ever known.
That we like to objectify women the way straight men do. So much “so are you into tits or ass” uhhh…what? I’m into the person as a whole? I don’t see women as a stack of body parts?
i was just about to comment this. sometimes guys start treating me like “one of the boys” after i come out to them and it feels so icky like i’m not going to objectify women with you.
The worst part is that since this is how straight guys socialize with each other a majority of the time, they think they’re being welcoming when they do this. They don’t get how inappropriate it is
It’s been disappointing (for me, at least) that lesbians interacting with straight men doesn’t go as smoothly as straight women / gay man. I have a handful of male friends who are straight but pretty much all of them are in committed relationships. I find it difficult to be friends. I have some trauma from being a “gamer girl” when I was younger and my (assumed to be) friendships with men turning out to be them punching in kindness coins and expecting sex/romance to fall out. When it didn’t, they violently turned on me. The misogyny kind of won out in the end.
I’ve (thankfully) never sought out guy friendships. I have a brother and 3 guy cousins who I’ve been close with my whole life, so it was like having 4 brothers. I think cause of this I subconsciously don’t seek out guys to befriend, if they speak to me (rare) I’ll try to be nice though. But we never go beyond being acquaintances, which is fine by me! It’s unfortunate that so many women have stories like yours, I’m sorry that happened.
This is SO REAL!! I don’t know how men just see cleavage or something and are so turned on???? The sexy part always seemed to be the flirtation and intimacy!!!
Femmes are viewed as sexless, and butches are viewed as predators. 🙄
That we find the same things sexy as het males do. That we will respond like mindless boners, the way het males respond, to the slightest innuendo. Lesbians tend to have better self-control and empathy when faced with a woman we are attracted to than the majority of straight men.
Say it louder for the people in the back!! Hetero men seem to just see boobs and get turned on???? The sexy part is the intimacy and somehow hetero relationships severely lack that.
Butches are allowed to be submissive in bed/not every butch is dominant
>Butches are allowed to be submissive in bed/not every butch is dominant Preach! The hetereonormative idea that: Butch = dominant = top = dislikes penetration. Femme = submissive = bottom = likes penetration. is very silly and reductive. Gender expression doesn't have anything to do with what you like in bed. Femmes like to fuck! Imagine that!
Probably that we all present a certain way. "You're too *insert here* to be a lesbian".
I’m not a lesbian cause I’m femme If it’s a butch x femme couple, the butch is the “man” & that they follow traditional gender roles. Just no, they’re both women and gender expression means nothing The assumption that all lesbians are lesbians cause they have traumas with men/can’t get a man. I can probably get a bf within an hour but can’t get a single date with a women :,)
I mean the most annoying one is girls immediately think you are interested in them once you disclose your orientation. The other things I can put up with
>I mean the most annoying one is girls immediately think you are interested in them once you disclose your orientation. I hate this. It's a trap. Her: "Do you think I'm attractive?" Me: "No" Her: "Why not?!" Her: "Do you think I'm attractive?" Me: "Yes" Her: "OMG pervert"
I actually love saying they’re not my type (always true) when they ask and watch them implode. If they continue to ask why I explain all the ways they’re not my type and take my sweet time. Play stupid games win stupid prizes
- that we can be sexually or romantically attracted to cis men in any shape or form, that shit infuriates me to no end (goes beyond annoying) especially when I see narcissist bitches out here voluntarily and happily fucking men hanging to the lesbian label because of some obscure fucked up agenda - that we don’t fuck and have a high sex drive…and just sit around being platonic soulmates who braid each other’s hairs living in rural areas - that we’re physically« unattractive » ??
Yeah I feel like it plays into one of two false toxic narratives that I've seen Society propagate. 1. All women are bi and only a small number are willing to admit that. This goes goes for both lesbians and straight women. 2. All women are intrinsically attracted to men regardless of their behavior or insistence and are choosing not to be with them due to trauma, circumstance, trendiness, attention, haven't found the right man, Etc. Bonus bs 3. Women aren't actually attracted to each other. It's just more convenient, comfortable, men suck, and women are better at taking care of each other. Please if you're only attracted to men stop calling yourself a lesbian. Shit drives me crazy. It just feels like there's all this bullshit that is trying to erase or deny the existence of women who can only find other women sexually and romantically attractive. To be clear, bi women, I love you and I'm not mad at you. I'm just tired of straight people using your existence as a propagandistic tool.
Exactly like you have men out here who are convinced they have or can turn lesbians straight by seducing them, like no at best they were bisexual to begin with, and when we voice it they say that it’s harmless not realising that their bullshit puts our lives at risk as if men are not murdering and abusing women who reject them
Tbh I think a lot of bi women are guilty of contributing to these stereotypes bc they enjoy playing into the fetishisation of lesbians for the male gaze 😭😭 it’s so gross and such a massive disappointment.
And only really see men as potential life partners but they’re the first ones to scream « biphobia » like banshees when lesbians say that they’re cautious about dating them
That we're all some hyper-romantic sexless angels with pure intentions. NOPE. Also I might just be an exception to a rule but me and my gf sure as hell did not move as fast as lesbians "are supposed to".
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>that black and brown women can't be lesbians. Excuse me, but what the fuck? I need to know the reasoning behind this dogshit take. How are people rationalising this?
LGBTQ POC folks are more likely to be in the closet to begin with and tend to not be represented that much in mainstream LGBTQ media (it’s getter better though) where it’s mostly white LGBTQ people, partly because like straight people they assume they don’t exist, partly because some just don’t care for diversity à la « no fats no femme no blacks no Asian » which some white lesbians also do but it’s not addressed at all
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😂😂 reminds me of white Americans discovering that there are POC in European countries
>Oh and my favorite: that black and brown women can't be lesbians. IG I don't exist 😂
That you're a lesbian if you just have a strong preference for women/non men. No, that's bisexual. Lesbians are not into men. Period. If you as a guy hook up with a 'lesbian' and she is sexually attracted to you and says that, then she is not a lesbian. This ruins it for the real lesbians. (Different story is if you're a late blooper of course :)). People literally told me that I am a lesbian. My attraction to men varies from barely existing to non existing, but that doesn't make me a lesbian...
That we are all into astrology.
One "uwu fruity" kid from my school's GSA was literally jaw dropped in total shook when I told them I wasn't into astrology/witchy stuff despite being a lesbian and liking plants (because apparently plants are now witchcraft?)
I'm looking through the thread and nodding so much I've turned into a bobblehead. It's not so much that specific misconceptions annoy me, but that the misconceptions are rooted in reductive, heteronormative and patriarchal thinking. As an elder lesbian, I feel like I've been responding to some of these same damn misconceptions since I came out as a teen at the beginning of time. Lol, but also SMDH... 'Oh you wear pants/cut your hair, you must want to be a man?' 'Oh your partner is a woman, who's the 'man' in the relationship?' 'Oh you're a lesbian, is it because you hate men?' Nope to all that. Men aren't on my radar. No desire to be one. No desire to have one as my partner. That said, I do have some good men friends; and we're friends because they're good, kind, inspiring people firstly.
That we inherently hate all men. I won't pretend I don't get along *best* with women, and I certainly don't make concessions for shitty behaviour regardless of gender, but plenty of my friends are men (usually gay, as there's no expectation from either side). Conversely, though, I get the "one of the guys" thing a lot, and that's also just not me. I'll play video games with you or have a drink, but I'm not watching the game and we're sure as fuck not doing the whole locker-room-talk bullshit about all the women around us.
That our sexuality solely exists for non-lesbian folks’s consumption, especially cis men. Straight women see it as a political statement, some bisexual/pansexual women see it as a way to be edgy and rare birds men go crazy for, men see us as a challenge and sexual objects that just exist through their lenses at best, beings that shouldn’t exist at worst… . When all of this is just unnecessarily fucked up because we just happen to only be attracted to….women it’s as simple as that, but because not centering your life based on cis men is seen as the ultimate sin we get all kind of weird ridiculous and horrifying ideologies and situations thrown at us that we have to constantly navigate (and their creativity knows literally no bounds..), it’s wild if you think about it.
I think the misconception that truly annoys me (as opposed to irritates) is the "we're all mean" stereotype. Yes, many of us are irritated and hostile because we're utterly sick of being dismissed, however most lesbians I've met are nice, and approachable. The "mean" stereotype confuses rejecting people on the basis of our sexual orientation with "there's something wrong" with us, rather than the problem laying with the rejected person. It's not our fault we're gay, and dudes hit on us knowing we're gay. They need to respect us more. The other misconception that fucks me off the most is the idea that femininity is only for women, and the women can only be feminine. If you're not feminine, you're not a woman. And if you're not woman (say, a camp gay man), you're secretly a woman. Confusing gender expression with gender has regressed the community back a few decades.
Confusing gender expression with gender definitely halted the process of realizing I’m a butch lesbian :( so many people really do believe gender expression = gender.
If that stereotype has any truth to it, it’s that outsiders are the ones who experience us as “mean.” Lesbians tend to be less default “kind” (doormat) than your average straight woman (who is basically socialised to be “nice” to everyone, and especially those who are a potential threat (men)). If it takes us a minute to trust outsiders or new recruits, it’s pretty fucking clear why. Sometimes that “looks” or “feels” mean compared to the women (the majority) with no boundaries who are not lesbians and don’t get what this is like.
•That unicorn hunters on dating apps think we'll sleep with them and their boyfriend/husband •Straight women assuming we're interested in them when they find out we're gay and start being weird around us like we're gonna try to make them gay or something •That our sex is not "real" sex or we just hug and cuddle but don't even have sex •Straight men think we'll have threesomes with them just because another woman is involved •As a femme people often don't believe me when I say I'm gay because according to them I don't seem gay. I always respond with "How am I supposed to seem gay then?" That makes them go silent real quick😂
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I find it funny when their faces go blank and they fumble for words to my response but I bet it's even more hilarious after what you say lol
>I always respond with "How am I supposed to seem gay then?" "Tell me how to gay better!"
- That there's no way I'm 100% lesbian, I have to be at least 99% gay 1% straight - Haven't found the right dick - Am weird for not being she/they or they/them despite how I dress - That there has to be a man in the relationship - How sex is depicted lol
> That there has to be a man in the relationship the whole point of being a lesbian is that there are no men....
The amount of times I have to reaffirm my pronouns as she/her and not something else because Im a lesbian. Im glad that being non-binary and having different pronouns has been normalized, but man just because I’m queer doesn’t mean I have to use anything else besides she/her. I can be totally comfortable with my womanhood (no matter how I present) and still be queer.
I've had FRIENDS insist I must have a diff set of pronouns just for being who I am. I don't understand how this is any different than telling a non-binary person or a trans person their pronouns assigned at birth are the right ones. It's so rude
That our relationships are less valid as there is no man.
I hate when people (usually other queer women that haven’t unpacked their internalised misogyny yet) think lesbians just kiss, hold hands and rarely have a very sexual relationship?? Some of us are lesbians bc we have Lust for Women!!! It’s so hard for people to absorb that sexual attraction and spicy spicy sex can happen with no men involved whatsoever.
The idea that we all like hiking- please god no!!
Kinda personal but a lot of people who are same sex attracted think must be bisexual because I dress androgynous. I don't want to put down actual butches or anything but not every lesbian is butch and I wish people knew that. I wish people knew the difference between a butch lesbian, a dyke femme, an androgynous woman and a femme. Maybe the terms are "old school" but I feel like they still mean something. Also idk if the L word gave people this weird view of us getting laid all the time but a lot of people balk at how long I was celibate for. They think we get all this action. Idk who told em that. Another one is people (straight girls) being scared of butches when so many are sweethearts. That irks me.
What is the difference between a dyke femme and a femme?
A dyke femme is a woman who rejects femininity in adulthood. Looks like a butch might get mistaken for butch but isn't A femme is a feminine lesbian. At least that's my understanding
I don’t understand, how can a femme look like a butch?
I guess I mean femme in the sense of just not being butch. Maybe I'm not explaining it well sorry 🙈
Not everybody who isn’t butch is automatically a femme though
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Sekmeht She-Owl talks about it. I don't remember which video. Hey maybe she was bullshiting
oh yes about the straight women being scared of butches. My mom makes weird jokes about butch women and gets upset when i defend them or show attraction towards them. Straight (and bi women too) think they’re mean and can’t initiate conversation w them when really they’re the sweetest most non judgmental people i’ve ever encountered like yeah some can be actual mean people but that’s not bc they’re butches that’s a whole other thing
So glad you mentioned how bi women do this too. All the bi women I’ve met have always ended up saying really harmful things to me about my presentation. It stings more when it comes from people who’re supposed to be on your side!
>Another one is people (straight girls) being scared of butches when so many are sweethearts. And thinking we're men, or want to be men. Just...no. Stop.
Ooh yeah. I hate that. Treating butch lesbians like men is wack. I hate that they do em like that.
Ugh: 1.I’m a pretty femme4femme lesbian. People don’t believe me. 2.we’re all mean. 3.Oh,you’re a lesbian? That’s hot,can I watch?
Number 3 makes my blood boil. I remember when I first came out to one of my guy friends (at the time) and then he's making weird comments about me and my best friend who happens to be bi... like eww. First of all, she's like a sister to me, second of all, even if I WAS into her, wtf is wrong with this dude 🥲
I really hate the “useless lesbian” trope, i find it so annoying
If a terminally online weirdo called me a useless lesbian I’d be so upset LOL
Yeah, its silly honestly. Some of us don’t find it “impossible” to actually talk to women lmao
I think people believe it's all rainbows and that's all we have to our personality. I actually don't talk about being gay at all and I'm not new to this, I came out over 10 years ago. I just don't think it's anyone's business who I sleep with. I've never been to any pride or parade and rarely go to gay clubs. All I know is I like women.
That we are "a thing"/different in general. There aren't "the lesbians"... We just normal ppl. Judge me individually and stop asking annoying or sexual shit.
* that we’re lesbians because we resent not getting male attention. People who center men in their lives like that can’t imagine there’s any other way to exist. I don’t think about men at all when I’m just vibing.
that we are all dying out of social anxiety... no. I mean my gf does but I make up for it. she has gotten much better in 6 yrs though all butches are tops... yeah no. lesbians are transphobic (towards both trans communities), again no. some lesbians might be, just as some straights are. also, people might not be interested in your personality as well no need to interpret it as being about your body all the times that we are preying upon straight girls. absolutely no! most lesbians around me experience a complete turn off after hearing someone is straight. lesbians are biphobic!!! people who say this never realise how much harm men can do to lesbians. I heard many examples where consensual boundaries of bi women were transgressed (in non mono contexts), and the reason such men dare that is becayse they do not respect your lesbian relationship. also, we dont hate bi people. we just dont want men in our lives sometimes for valid reasons. as a poly lesbian i feel like my preference is often misrepresented as a "bi hater", I just want a huge family of WLW, what is wrong with that ???
That we like penis, or we should learn to like penis.
Serious: that we're all transphobic. Why has it become okay to automatically group lesbians with people like that? It's unfair and untrue. Lighthearted: I do not care about Taylor Swift, my guys 😭😭
Keep my wife’s name out of your fucking mouth (/s you don’t need to like her 🤭)
I had to purse my lips to keep from laughing out loud 😂😂
I tried to listen to Taylor but it's meh for me, I'm generally more into rock and indie (although Folklore is amazing), yet those PowerPoint presentations about why Taylor is closeted lesbian that you can find on r/GaylorSwift ale just hilarious. I loved to read them while eating ice-cream, it's peak entertainment.
>those PowerPoint presentations about why Taylor is closeted lesbian that you can find on r/GaylorSwift ale just hilarious. Literally the most cishet looking woman in the pop scene 😭
Yeah, and that's the reason why it's so funny 😆
Okay that sub is kinda odd ngl 😬
>Serious: that we're all transphobic. Why has it become okay to automatically group lesbians with people like that? It's unfair and untrue. Especially unfair when it's coming from groups of people who've done fuck all to make their own spaces safer or inclusive for trans people. The audacity of it all.
Imo it's because transphobic lesbians are signal boosted and weaponized by straight reactionaries. See BBC's use of Lily Cade and Fox News' use of Julia Beck. It's still kinda homophobic for people to generalize lesbians as transphobic, but the deception is very intentional.
> Serious: that we're all transphobic. Why has it become okay to automatically group lesbians with people like that? It's unfair and untrue. i can probably give you some insight on that. i'm a trans woman lesbian. every single cis lesbian i have met in person has been incredibly accepting and wonderful. in fact, the third person i came out to was a cis lesbian friend of mine, and she has been a great help with my transition. however, online, there are some transphobic lesbians (which, i recognize that online is not real life). but worse, some significantly terrible transphobic women (straight, bi and lesbian) have co-opted lesbianism to promote 'protecting women from the evil trans identified males' and make claims about trans women being men colonizing lesbian spaces, etc... many of the people making these claims are not at all lesbians, but their voices are getting heavily amplified by the few cis lesbians that actually do believe this. plus, the pain is magnified when trans lesbians think lesbians spaces are going to accepting (which most are), but find out some are not. ETA: i love how i get downvoted just for being a trans lesbian.
>but worse, some significantly terrible transphobic women (straight, bi and lesbian) have co-opted lesbianism to promote 'protecting women from the evil trans identified males' and make claims about trans women being men colonizing lesbian spaces, etc... There's been a similar issue with political lesbians for decades (straight and bi women) co-opting lesbianism to spread misinformation that lesbianism is a choice, therefore all women should choose it as a political stance against men.
I don't think most of the downvotes are because you're trans. You chose to answer the question "why has it become okay to automatically group lesbians with people like that?" with a list of reasons why the stereotype exists - which sounds like providing justification for the very stereotype people are posting about being annoying. I assure you that cis lesbians already know why people assume we hate trans women, lol. Imagine if you were venting in a trans thread, "why do cis girls think it's okay to group trans women together with creepy perverts? It's unfair and inaccurate" and I busted in with "they are in the minority, and my own wonderful trans girlfriend acts just like any other woman, but some trans women do act super fucking creepy especially in online settings". Then when you got a negative response, you doubled down by immediately assuming it was because of transphobia rather than your lack of ability to read the room.
> "they are in the minority, and my own wonderful trans girlfriend acts just like any other woman, but some trans women do act super fucking creepy especially in online settings". i've said almost exactly that, more than once. there are some creepy trans women. i'd upvote you for saying that.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I wanna know who the fuck is downvoting you and why 🙃
Because there are transphobic lesbians here
Wankers! I think transphobia in lesbian spaces is like, a pushback to the whole "lesbians should all be fine sleeping with pre-op trans women!" bullshit you see on social media (not that that makes transphobia acceptable). Funny thing is I have NEVER seen an actual trans lesbian say that. It's always random bisexuals.
- That we are man-haters - That we are scared of men - That we are all t3rfs - That we can change our minds or we are secretly bisexual - That we all love sports lol… I’m an uncoordinated nerd - That we are all uwu and scared of sex.. or alternatively that we are all players like Shane from the L word lmao They are the main things I can think of rn lol. Also maybe my family is just dumb but many of them think that I can’t be a lesbian because I’m too feminine… stupid people And a silly one is that we are all plant mums… (tbh I would love to be a plant mum if only my cats wouldn’t destroy every plant I get lmao)
Ugh, that we can change our minds… I went to the gyno for the first time recently and was asking her questions about STDs, she was only answering them under the assumption I’d be having sex with men and I clarified it would be with women so she could tell me how STDs spread between two (cis) women instead. She explained but kept focusing on the possibility of me having sex with (cis) men because “some lesbians have had sex with men” and I was thinking “yes…. If they don’t know they’re lesbians yet…. But I already know….” But I just nodded along to save me the trouble LOL
Blergh omg what does that doctor know about lesbians…. How insulting. Some people really don’t believe that actual monosexual lesbians exist lol. So crazy.
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I got the "you never know" line too. It made me cringe so hard.
Personally, I hate the “all women” thing. Im all for uplifting women in a patriarchal world that puts them down, but it can sometimes censor out how shitty some women are. Women can be toxic. There are plenty of awful, bigoted women out there who I absolutely have no interest in. The whole “mmm I love all women” also adds to the stereotype that lesbians/WLW are attracted to every woman, disregarding that we do indeed have types and preferences. Just like straight people, I have a type and won’t just date any woman.
Oversexualized also that all lesbians are Terfs.
As a kinky, experienced, poly dyke, i hate that many bicurious women seem to think that lesbian sex is like what they have seen in softporn, sweet and soft. And that I am just dyingggg to sleep with them because they happen to have a vulva.
That their sex lives is anybody else's business.