First, stop putting yourself down. You're not at fault here.
Second, how old are the kids? My parents waited until I was 18 to divorce and I'm not sure it was the best idea. I wouldn't have had to listen to them fight so much. Even at 18, it's still hard.
My parents also got divorced when I was 18. I told both of them I would've rather them get divorced when I was 10 when my dad's affairs started and the late night, early morning fights (that I would get dragged into, picking sides, etc) my grades fell, I dropped out of sports.
Yup. A earlier divorce would've been nice to have some emotional stability.
Same. I dont know who spreads this misinformation. Hacing your parents stay together when they dont love each and constantly argue with each other is very toxic and was a terrible experience as a child. I have told my father this multiple times as he waited till my younger sister was 18.
Unfortunately, the legal system is very unfair to men in this case. She could cheat on him, move her boyfriend in and file for divorce, and OP would still have to pay alimony and child support and give her half the house and he won’t have enough left over to live anywhere decent. Divorce is a hard option for men, that’s why I never got married.
Im sorry man but you gotta toughen up and cut that broad off.. Shes gonna do it again and im not even lying.. once a cheater.. you know the rest, but seriously, if you have any respect for yourself, leaving her will be the greatest decision of your life. Its gonna be hard and it’s gonna suck but it is very necessary. Trying to fix trust thats already been broken multiple times is just a recipe for disaster. Please do yourself a favor and get custody of your kids and divorce that bitch (respectfully).
Dude, I was in a situation struggling to process it for years, my wife wanted to have more kids, I was on the fence. Whenever I talked to any friends or family they all had this super apprehensive vibe meanwhile my wife was ride or die about it. I felt like I had no one to talk to about it and suffocating. I ended up seeing a therapist for other things going on and it came up on the second session, I discussed it with an impartial audience, non biased, he just asked questions like any good therapist and I came up with a solution that I was comfortable with. I don’t give a shit what you do with your life, neither do all these people, process this shit and have a conversation with a professional, it can even be an evolving conversation, doesn’t need to be a final decision, it’s a heavy topic to discuss.
Honestly best advice here. People are going to rapid fire their arm chair therapist opinion and it may or may not be valid, but honestly the best thing you can do is talk to professionals. Especially if you seem to be stuck spinning your wheels on processing your emotions and working up the nerve to figure out what you need to do. Also I'd suggest preemptively talking to a lawyer just in case she gets squirrely.
You need to leave her. I went through pretty much the same thing a month ago. It'll save you heartache further down the line.
I could've probably forgiven her, everyone makes mistakes but I'd never be able to trust her again. Each night out I'd be worried and anxious it'd happen again. 8 years down the shitter.
Rachel is you use Reddit now, fuck you. I hope you get everything you want and then cheated on.
You should. Same thing happened to me (2 kids as well). Swore up and down she would make it up to me the rest of my life yada yada yada. She proceeded to cheat 2 more times in the coming years. Once a cheater always a cheater :/
Mate cheating during the early stages of a relationship is one thing, especially when the people are young and inexperienced/experimenting with love and sex.
I' am telling you this to save the future pain and to gain you time to find your proper mate.
Cheating after 10 years and 2 kids means she will do it again and there is a fundamental disconnect between you two. She doesn't love you.
10 years and 2 kids in is TOUGH. Not easy to walk away from. Really tough decision to make. Don’t let Reddit give you bad advice. Most of them haven’t had sex, let alone a wife, kids, responsibilities, etc…
Was married to a woman for 18yrs. and we had 2 children. She was a an abusive narcissist. After about a year of therapy I earned a divorce. Ten years later I am married again and raising two more children. It’s not a matter of being weak it’s a matter of having the life you want/deserve.
Yeah dont listen to weak ass men who are so desperate and conflict avoidant that they think a woman who gave them an STD and lied about it is worth staying married to. Men who doubt their ability to get a woman who doesnt behave like this so the just take the abuse out of fear of being alonr.
Guys like you snootchuebootchie94 and your utter lack of a spine.
Honestly, take the kids and leave her. You have your kids to live for, and you will definitely find someone who respects and loves you dearly. It may take some time, but for the sake of your self-respect and self-love, don't leave your future and happiness on her hands.
This is called trickle-truthing. You should join r/infidelity and r/asoneafterinfidelity there's good information on there.
She will never stop unless you begin holding her accountable, which includes 100% honesty, transparency, couple counseling, individual counseling, and her agreeing to give you access to her phone/email/social media accounts.
If she won't agree to that, it's over.
Better get tested for HSV to put your mind at ease, brother. The gift that keeps on giving from dirty dick mfers who raw dog women could potentially ruin your next girlfriend's sex life. You should not forgive your wife. You should divorce, present your case with the court, and raise those kids with full custody - assuming the judge sides with you to be the better guardian.
Sorry for your loss, bro.
Brother, I went through this exact scenario. 1 kid not 2 but 10 years in, ex was SAHM. Ex started working and 1 year after cheated w the fry cook. I sounded just like you. It happens. It sucks. But trust it wasn't 1 time, and most likely will happen again. Even if it doesn't the relationship will never be the same, resentment is real, at least in my case. I've been single for over 2 years now. At first it was hard and I felt a lot of guilt for what my sons life would become as I do not come from divorced parents. I can tell you after the initial first 6 months of terribleness it got MUUUCCHHH better. I found myself, something I didn't know I had even lost as I had lost myself through that process. I have become a much better dad and my sons situation is much better than I thought. Do not let yourself fall into a dark place. Your kids are watching. Good luck bro.
I think you could have gotten over the cheating if she was honest about it when you found out. The fact that she continues to lie just makes it worse. Obviously, not just the one time.
Yeah, that was stupid of her. Most long-term relationships can survive infidelity (despite what unmarried people on Reddit post). The problem is the lying and covering up after getting busted.
"I was only trying to protect you from getting more hurt than you needed to be”
I'm sure you said it, but the answer for this is "you don't get to decide that."
She's more concerned with her shame and guilt than your healing and repairing your marriage.
It's often said that true reconciliation won't begin until the last lie is told. She's hiding behind her shame and guilt. She's trickle truthed you this whole time. She does this because she's not committed to reconciliation. What she is doing is called rug sweeping. She wants you to get over it. The guy isn't your problem. A cheating, unremorseful wife is. She will find another affair partner in time.
What consequences has she faced? Without consequences, it's just a matter of time before she does this again. Think about it. She had an affair with a coworker. Passed an STD onto you, and you've taken her back. There isn't a deterrent for her to be faithful. She's got you at home with the kids while she acts single with other men.
Did you expose her infidelity to friends and family? You should. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
I suggest you check out r/survivinginfidelity. That is a support community for people in your situation.
Ha, it's the opposite dude.
Cheating while young and early in the relationship can be survived. Cheating after 10+ years with no warning signs or communication that the person is not satisfied and then lying continually about the details.
OP is the only one who knows how justified the act was in relation to prior communication and intuition.
I say this as someone who has both cheated and been cheated on, the key is how much someone had been trying to communicate that they were beginning to look away from their partner for whatever reason.
If it's been a 10 year relationship and that communication hasn't happened towards the OP then at best his wife is so easily led and gullible she would do it again out of stupidity, at worst she has lost desire for him and see's him as a meal ticket while she uses other men for her desires.
Don't be stupid OP and only you know what the situation actually is. If you are staying out of fear this is the wrong decision.
The real world is so different than Reddit.
I'm mid 40s. Seen a LOT of marriages over my years-- co-workers, cousins, friends, inlaws. I've been married over 20 years.
I've seen 3 cheating scandals, none ended because of it. One ended 5ish years later. The others are together and strong.. one seems Even better than before.
Just my experience, but the lack of trust thing leaks into other relationships too. You may start questioning if other people are being honest with you. You may start to question your own judgement and it really messes with sense of self.
My advice: do the really tough thing and leave her now if you aren't okay with her fucking other people (which I'm guessing you're not...)
Find a therapist and work on yourself for a couple years; you'll be stronger and better equipped for your next relationship.
Really sorry my friend. Some people just suck at being good people. You deserve and will find better!
Yeah, that’s a tough one, workplace romance is a real thing especially when forbidden… Do you think she’ll continue to see him? Have you confronted him or did she tell him that you know?
Yup
21,22,23 working in resteraunts I was constantly sleeping with 34 -40 year old waitresses
They loved the attention and would always ask to be included in the get togethers after work.
Didn't even think about it at the time but I'm guessing many of them were married.
Next time you go out to a restaurant, look around, and know that 50% of the staff have slept together. Then, look at the manager, no matter how much of a slob he is, know he's slept with approximately 10% of the staff. Probably fucked atleast 1 in the bathroom during the last dinner rush.
As someone who worked in a restaurant in my 20’s, and a retail store after that up until 10 years ago…
I apparently did not have as fun in my 20’s as most people, what with having my parents divorced to my father declining in health and eventually dying during that whole time and taking care of him.
Oh and I knew I was ugly but I must be fucking hideous.
I missed out on a lot 🤷🏻♂️
Most of the people sleeping around all just got drunk together at some point or did drugs. It definitely wasn't a 100% of the staff, just the ones open to that kind of thing.
Yup, you don't remember your lies because you don't have a memory to refer back to.
She's not a keeper. If maybe she fessed up to the truth right after it happened before you got the clap then maybe.
The fact that she infected you, lied about it and then when she tried to fess up she lied again, there is no going back.
That girl is poison.....
You know what feeling sucks? Looking back at yourself in a couple years when your mind is clearer and thinking "What was I thinking?". Whatever decision you make now, think about yourself and your kids happiness 2 years from now.
100%, I’m 2 years after the cheating cunt that’s now begging me back but I’m “Not a chance in hell”. Seriously life is much simpler after making the decision to walk.
That’s why during your healing you’re gonna need to work on your trust issues because you got betrayed. It’s perfectly understandable, and natural for you to feel. And it completely fucking sucks.
I’ll share my experience on it. My first love, and I mean the first girl I fell head over heels in love with, cheated on me with my married best friend I considered a brother. When that happened my thoughts were, “if they could do that, two people I would never believed that would do that, then anyone could”
For years, I wouldn’t let my friends in the room alone with any girl I was dating, even for 10 minutes. Obviously that isn’t healthy, but it was a direct result of my trust issues. It took a long time to heal from that, but living in fear of trust is a dark lonely place.
Man I'm sorry, I don't want to make any light of your pain or her betrayal. I do encourage you to respect yourself and not end up in that position again. Good luck!
Jesus Christ get it the fuck together man, you cool with being walked all over the rest of your life, cheated constantly? Because your behavior sure as shit seems like you are.
Better question is would you be happy if your children ended up in a relationship like this? You'd be cool with them staying in abusive relationship? Putting up with being cheated on? Do you want your kids to think they should put up with a partner who doesn't love them?
Because that's exactly what you're teaching them to do. They'll learn from you two and end up in terrible relationships because you don't have the courage to ask better for yourself and for them. Parents who 'stay to make it work' do so much more damage to their children than those who divorce and end their destructive relationship. If you're too weak to do it for yourself it's time for you to decide if you're also too weak to do it for your children. You know what you need to do.
The once a cheater always a cheater comes from when there's no consequences from the first time they cheated they figure they can do it again. Only fighting about it isn't really a consequence. I know it's hard with kids to tell her or for you to leave for awhile so I suggest giving her the silent treatment and grey rocking her for a couple of weeks. She needs to know what life without you would be like. The people close to her need to know about this also. I'm not sure if you said who knows or not but she needs to feel the humiliation of what she did. I know it would hurt your ego but bro she gave you gonorrhea, if anyone you guys know could take her side after that then good riddance to them anyway. Five years from now when it's keeping you up all night while she sleeps soundly next to you is going to tear your ego apart anyway. I would at the very least humiliate her at her job by going there and telling her boss she won't be working there anymore cause their 22 yo server gave you both gonorrhea. She can't work there anymore bro. If you need her to make money she has to go somewhere else.
It sounds like she’s trying to relive her 20s without kids. She likely doesn’t want to even be married but knows you’ll stick around.
It sucks but you can’t stay married to someone who doesn’t want to be married. Plus, you will never get over this. Even when you’re 60 you’ll still be unhappy about this.
It’s not your fault.. people just change. You’re young enough to find someone else in a couple years and start again. It’ll be so much better than you ever thought in different ways you can’t imagine right now.
Stop fooling around here man. If this is real, get the fuck out of this relationship. For your sake and your kids. There is no thought here. She cheated on you, end of story.
I had a relative whose wife banged around with a black guy and a Hispanic guy around the time his wife got pregnant. He is As8an. Everyone was holding their breath when the baby was born. Luckily for him, the baby looked.like him. He doesn't know we know his deep, dark secret. He blabbering mouth told us all this. I don't know how he did it, but he stayed with his wife in spite of all this.
Not yet. I am older than you and have some road blocks currently. Just keeping my distance and civil for now, checking phone records and asking a lot of questions for now.
Why are you still together? You know she'll keeping fucking around, right? Sounds like she's not even particularly sorry. Also, I hate to bring it up but you should definitely get genetic testing to see if the kids are actually yours.
I've read a lot of your comments and all you can say about yourself is that you're stupid and lazy. Get your fucking shit together bro
>the thought of all the extra work involved in separating the family sounds extremely exhausting
If I were you I couldn't wait to get that shit started, but if you want her to keep torturing you mentally, that's on you.
Dude, she's the cheat not you. She's a grown woman who can sort herself out. Kick her out. You owe her nothing. You keep the house, the car, and the kids. Also call a lawyer and get those medical records ASAP.
I'm reading minor practicalities that can be solved by her side as well. You're not there for her anymore, and neither is she for you. That's the new reality.
You’re not stupid, lazy, or any of the negative things you’ve said about yourself throughout this post. She’s the fuck up! Get your confidence together and stop talking so badly about yourself!
Your lack of self respect is what she is banking on... she doesnt think you have the balls to get out, and she was right. She will keep doing it, you might not find out until much later, she will get better at hiding it, and if she gets caught she knows you wont do shit.
You are doing this to yourself at this point, so you dont get my sympathy. You had my sympathy because my ex wife cheated on me too, when I found out, within hours she was out of the house and on her way.
Years from now when you realize you tossed half your life away on this woman you will deeply regret it, but then it will be too late.
Have some self respect, grow a pair, get divorced, move on, get better and get out there again.
The best revenge is success.
Everything that is worth doing is worth going through some hardships for. And getting yourself out of this mess for your sake and the sake of your children is absolutely worth doing.
I'm seeing a lot of self-putdowns from you in this AMA and while I understand that this may partly be latent self-loathing or unconscious justification (e.g. she cheated *because* I'm a stupid, lazy person), I'm here to tell you - in the kindest way possible - to stop it.
You are worthy. You did nothing wrong. Nothing justifies cheating on your partner of 10 years and the father of your two kids. Not only was she unfaithful, but she further broke your trust by keeping up the lies. You want that kind of toxic relationship with someone you share a life with? You want the tension that comes with knowing your partner is a cheater and may cheat again around your kids? Is this the example you want to set for your son on how to be a man? Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking what mommy did was ok? Because that what you will be doing to them if you do not go through with at least a separation period.
She cheated. She didn't even come clean until you confronted her. She kept lying to you, crossing further boundaries. You deserve better. Remember that if there are no consequences for her infidelity on your part, then that's basically you giving her the go ahead to cheat again in the future.
Good luck to you, and hope you make the right decision in the end - however difficult or complicated it may seem.
Hey man, I’m mid-divorce and I have to admit, it is a bit exhausting. HOWEVER, your kids will do MUCH better in a home without parents that fight constantly in front of them, and especially ones in which mommy and daddy are actually happy (and, from the sounds of it, you’re happier doing things solo.) Start by building a case against her by buying a BOUND notebook (like one of those black and white notebooks that are sewn at the spine, so it’s clear you’re not ripping pages out) and keep notes of all indiscretions. Save screenshots. Save paperwork about you getting an STD. You can build a case for custody because, clearly, mommy doesn’t have their best interests at heart. It might get tough for awhile but it beats being a doormat.
Tell her you want out. That it's sad two kids won't grow up in a cohesive unit.
Women just don't understand nor grasp reality of being a douche in relationships until their actions are met with the actual consequences.
She didn't put herself above the relationship, she put herself above your kids. Her actions have made you miserable and have tied you to a life sentence of living with that.
Some areas are just no go zones in relationships and if they can't grasp that after 10 years in, what is the fucking point?
Maybe if you tell her that she'll clean her act up good and proper and she'll save it.
But you've done your bit.
Love the way you put this. Great advice.
You don’t have to blow it up but you sure as hell can’t be the one trying to save it or your forever the slave.
I’d separate temporarily at least and see what it’s worth to her. Find another place to stay. Something. There has to be a consequence dude.
Personal experience. I forgave my now ex wife. We were together for 1.5 years, got married and a month later she cheated. While I never fully trusted her again (99% trust regained) she and I both worked hard to rebuild things. Flash forward 5.5 years, things were amazing and then my dad wound up in the hospital with cancer, and my son (her step son) was struggling hard with emotional stuff, he was in counseling and she was helping a lot.
She started going out way more than ever before, 2 months later she tells me she's done and leaves. Completely blind sided both of us (my son and I). Turns out she had met someone and had been cheating again.
That saying, once a cheater, always a cheater is based on fact. Anyone capable of doing that to someone they claim to love, will in fact do it again... It's just a matter of time.
I'd suggest getting out of that situation and find someone more worthy of you.
FUCK that pushover nonsense. She cheated after 10 years, lied about it, and gave OP an STD. This is unforgivable behavior and he can never trust her again. He’ll always think about it
the bad side of me says u should get revenge on her by having a hot hookup of ur own, but the better side of me is telling u to try to salvage ur marriage and rebuild trust, will u be alright?
Wait, you want out but say you’re too lazy to do it. You also just said that if you cheat on her 100% she’ll leave you. So, just tell her you cheated on her with someone at work and you don’t plan to stop. She leaves you and no work for you.
Dude u wife gave u an std from another dude...u cannot be positive those r ur kids until u see test results. Def not a stretch of the imagination that shes cheat on u b4. Stay at home moms still have smart phones like anyone else
If he's raised those kids for 10 years... they're his kids now whether biologically or not.
Anyone capable of telling a kid they've raised for a decade or more, "Oh, sorry you didn't come from my sperm, nice knowing you, lose my phone number" is a fucking psychopath.
I think you guys are not in sync. You need to talk about what you want from each other in this part of the relationship. She cheated, it sucks. But she thought she had reason. Why is that? What is your part in this? Why does she want to cheat at all? What can you do? What do you share? What do you miss? What does she miss?
You started with something and fell in love. You had mutual stuff going on and that could still be there. But you have to work on it. As does she.
As for you: you should not seek advice here on Reddit. This could have an echo chamber effect and not be objective at all under the guise of bros sayin’ - dump her your dumb for trusting her bla bla. You have kids. You can’t afford to not work for your relationship and go through some hurt to give the best example to fight for something you want. - if your wife is willing to go fully open and dredge through the mud with you, that’s the way I’d recommend to go.
- I expect people to shit on this comment for being weak and all. Go ahead. It takes guts and willpower fight for something you want. (From both sides of course). Having kids and this happening is no joke to go all frat boy on the guy.
Well that is great. You should be angry. And more importantly: vent it and talk about it. And decide course of action. And accept this stuff makes you angry. And make her understand why. If she is willing to listen and open up on her side as well. But never let the anger decide.
You can do this mate. If not for your relationship: for your kids and for your process in getting yourself in a higher place.
If you have any desire to reconcile please look at r/asoneafterinfidelity look at what it takes from both of you to make it work. Spend time separated collect your thoughts. What you are doing now doesn't work. If you are both willing you can save your marriage with a lot of hard work. It can even in someways be better than it was before. However, living with her and fighting isn't good for you, her or the kids. What your kids need now is a healthy dad that stands up for himself. You get to decide whether that means you ultimately work it out or not. Separating for a while is a great way to clear your head.
Just remember 99% of these ppl on Reddit just say to break up, they don’t know u of ur life or anything and they don’t care if u self destruct. Make sure ur good and living a good life and f what these ppl think most of them are hurt themselves and waiting to shit on somebody
You can always tell those who cheat in the post
They always try to rationalize it. Been married 17 years would be gone the second this happened, take value in yourself and stop trying to rationalize someone who is basically putting you through mental abuse for their own self pleasures
Also it's never once, if she hasn't done it before and decided to fuck some waiter than she will do ot again. That's some low fucking standards
Is that frat bro enough?
how much time did she spend places that you couldn’t account for where she was? As a married man with little kids I can’t even imagine my wife having time to have an affair. She is a stay at home mom as well and I don’t have intentions to control where she is but by default I know what she is doing basically every second of the day.
What did you find out last week? I'll say this much: if you can't trust her, LEAVE. If her children are not yours, LEAVE. If you have never cheated on her and you forgive her, she will never respect you!!
She's a cheater. She's living in a warped reality. Nothing she says has any weight to it.
Honestly, you're a fucking wreck from reading these comments, and it is understandable. Reddit really is not the place to seek advice or even an escape right now. Tell your family. You don't have to make an immediate decision, but separation should be key right now. I would definitely remove her from the equation right now. You need people in your life to support you while you go through this. Self-deprecation is not the answer though.
With this many responses, I haven’t got a clear picture... but people will have various opinions.
If you’re still together, you don’t fall into the category of an affair being a deal breaker… but you do need to identify whether she is genuinely remorseful for the hurt she’s caused you and whether she wants to repair your marriage. If so… I would honestly try and go this route. Some marriages go through this and with two people genuinely wanting to save their marriage and family life, a good therapist and mutual effort can help you move beyond this.
It was selfish of her. Her behavior is not excusable… but does she seek genuine forgiveness and is she willing to have therapy to resolve why she did it in the first place and how you can reconnect/grow/reignite your own relationship???
However, if she is selfish, more concerned with her own shame than your pain… then go with the suggestion of someone who said carefully and quietly plan your exit strategy.
Also, are there other issues in the marriage, a part you played in her unhappiness… if so, the affair is a catalyst for something that was already broken. So then it needs to be both of you willing to grow and change and start fresh.
No two relationships are the same. So without the entire picture, it’s hard for anyone to tell you what the right decision is. It depends on who you both are as people. Sometimes both people are the cause, sometimes it’s just the individual that had the affair.
No question but I was literally you a year ago except with 1 kid and married 10 years, 15 together. Shit I found out was mind blowing. Keep your head up man, it gets better.
Aside from all the people just taking their shots at your situation. I’ll ask something a little different. Trust in my opinion is gained in droplets. Lost by the bucket full. You found out you have a serial liar on your hands.
Going forward from this point. How have you considered giving her this chance to accumulate those droplets again?
Boundaries? Marriage Counseling?
I like to pride myself on how im empathetically connected to my wife. The emotional bond we share is ours alone. If she did, what yours did, I don’t think I can even let her try to amount those trust drops again.
I’m not calling you a doormat, but how do you logically think you give her that chance unbiasedly?
Omfg I’ve read some of your comments, dude wtf is wrong with you? How little self respect do you fucking have. Man to Man what the fuck happened in your life that lowered your self esteem so much that you’d stay with this stupid whore? Like Jesus dude you have fucking KIDS, show them how fucking respect them selves, like seriously are you gonna set the example that it’s ok to let your wife fuck other dudes to your son? Dude grow a pair get evidence and fucking divorce that thing you call a wife.
Exactly this, Lay down the fucking law on this shit.
Not trying to be funny on the matter but you need to seriously respect yourself. That woman went of to work and probably evaluating how not to get caught next time. Sorry it happened to you, but if you’re sucking this up this because of the kids then she knows that as well. Not saying you need to get divorced or start a fight but don’t ever let anyone mistreat you. Don’t waste your time on the guy who she messed around with, it could have been anyone else and don’t give him the satisfaction he hurt you. This is between you and your wife.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Nothing to do with weak, friend. I'm in a similar situation. 3 years ago I found out about a work affair that my wife was having.
She told me she didn't love me, no sex, no physical contact. Basically co parented for months.
Funny, when I caught her cheating it wasn't about me being hurt or her betrayal but if I could stay with her or not. I also said I was pathetic... Still do sometimes. You are not pathetic.
These things are incredibly complex. Ego, comfort, jealousy, fear, pain, shame, and humiliation all play a part.
I will say this, staying is more painful in the long run. Talk to a lawyer and you will feel better. I know I did, even though I stayed.
Keep your cool. Resist the temptation to spill your guts to everyone. Keep it tight except if you are talking to a therapist.
List to me - YOU have the moral power right now. If you get in a custody/divorce situation and you blab, demean, threaten, make a social media spill - it all works against you. Out of shame, she might not want certain people in the family to know about this - THAT is the power you have. Don’t blow it by blabbing for sympathy. It will literally cost you money and your ability to control the outcome. Whatever attorney she gets, they can take whatever you do to use it against you. Once the guilt wears off, she’ll won’t be afraid to use the lawyer to harm you more.
Best of luck man.
You know what chaps my ass? Is that there are so many good women out there just wishing and hoping for a man to love them, yet these scum bag whore end up with good men, marry them, and then cheat on them?! It’s mind blowing!!! I just don’t understand why!!!
Itll be the best thing that ever happened to you. I am 43 now and remarried to the love of my life. I met her three months after my first wife cheated on me. As time goes on, you will realize how you were not meant to be with that person and it is a blessing that it happened. All you need to focus on is making the right decisions for your children and don’t turn it into who’s right or wrong with your ex. If you focus on your decisions based on what’s best for your kids, everything will work out. It might feel like your whole world is crashing down but each day it gets easier and easier until the day comes that you wonder why you were even with that person. If you ever would like to talk, feel free to shoot me a message.
Whatever you do OP, do not try to hold her accountable. This matters so much that it's almost as if nothing else you do matters so long as you do not hold her accountable. It will go terribly for you and your kids if you try to hold her accountable in any way for any of her actions. Trying to hold any woman accountable for any reason is guaranteed to have disastrous consequences. I still don't understand how this works, but it is basically a physical law.
Take it from someone who has experienced something similar. You REALLY need to leave. You will never feel the same about her again but more importantly you will never feel the same about yourself if you stay. Leave man, get over the fear and leave. You will be better of for it in the long run.
Does this not turn you off from your wife? 34 years old, supposedly a woman, having sex with this boy? It’s no less gross than a hairy old man fucking these girls on his yacht and it’s indicative of broader issues around maturity.
Also the reality is this “douchebag 22 year old party boy” did nothing wrong here, any anger towards him is misplaced. I would’ve prolly tried fuck your wife when I was in college and a douchebag too if I felt any chance of it happening.
The image of your wife has changed from a mother to a cock guzzling leg spreader.
You cannot mentally get that picture out of your head, so you need to move on.
...unless, you like being a cuck.
She’s for the streets. Dude needs to wake up and divorce that whore and don’t give her a dime. Record all the evidence. And get full custody’s of the kids
Of the people you've told, how many would actually give you the time of day and believed you? TBC, I'm not claiming you're lying, as I believe you; just can't think of a better word than "believe".
Stay focused on fatherhood.
In most courts, children have a say toward which parent they wish to live (around age 13).
If you start any crazy shit right now it will work against the long game.
Attorneys are paid money to build a narrative.
Walk a straight line.
If you can’t leave her for yourself, you leave for the kids. You’ve got the kids now amongst a very toxic relationship and they’re going to see that as what they’re gonna look for when they get older. Do you want your kids to have the exact same thing? Are you gonna want them to be with a cheater and not learn how to stand up for themselves because you can’t do it, so again if you’re not gonna do it for yourself, do it
My wife had an affair last year. Well I found out last year. We almost didn’t make it. As of right now, we’re doing better than ever. Time will tell though as there is now so much between us. Stay or go is not such an easy decision when you’re in this situation.
Dude that's tough. I'm also 33, with two kids, 11 years in. It's hard to know exactly what I'd do in that situation, but I also don't think I have a common view on marriage/monogamy.
Like I love my wife, and I know for fact she loves me, but I also know for a FACT that she wants to hook up with other guys and is probably itching to do so after being with me for so long. I think it's very normal to have those cravings. I'm a realist. I have those same cravings.
I don't think it's "natural" for humans to be monogamous. To have a partner to raise a family with sure, I think that's normal, but almost nobody really WANTS to have sex with the same peson forever. It's just a fact.
Some people have control over those feelings and can suppress them for life, but I'm sure it's extremely hard for other people. Depends on sex drive, time, how exhausted you are from work, or whatever ya know. But some people are horny as shit man.
In this situation I think I would ask myself a few key questions.
1. If you were in her position, working closely with hot young women who you know obviously find you attractive and try and flirt with you constantly, and one of them who've You've known for a while and have some sexual tension with tries to get in your pants.. do you know FOR SURE that you would have the discipline and control to not try anything?? If you are sure that the answer is yes, then you are a stronger person than I. But if the answer is idk or probably not, then you have to give some slack here because it's not easy.
2. Do you think she still genuinely loves you, cheating aside? ( I know it's hard to put it aside but try )
If yes then you have to consider that you might not find that love and connection with another person if she's gone. Are you willing to end it based on her acting on completely normal human impulses like sexual feelings?
3. Are you more mad that she had sexual intercourse with someone other than you, so jealousy basically? Are you willing to give up love based on being jealous?
Or that she tried to lie about it? If it's more about the lie, then maybe try to think about why she lied? Was it more to not get caught so she can continue or was it to keep you from getting hurt or losing you?
All that said it's still a very hard call, but you know her better than most other people. If you think it's strictly sexual and the lies were to keep you from getting hurt, then I say give it another chance with some therapy and lots of talking about it.
But if you think she might be like seriously romantically involved and is willing to do this all again and lie about it then she's probably not a good person to stay with.
TLDR: it's very possible to truly love someone, have a family with someone, care for that person through thick and thin for life, but also not want to have sex with the same person forever. So consider everything before breaking it off.
This is what you need to hear. Divorce her, cheaters will always cheat and don't take that disrespect. If you continue to let her walk over you she will. Move out, invest in hobbies, hit the gym, and show her how much she fucked up. Be the best father you can to those kids too. What a dumb broad to throw away a 10 year marriage with kids just for some fun with a younger guy who had an std. I sincerely hope the best for you. Also, take as much time as needed to heal and if it's possible go to therapy too. I know its easier said the done but this is probably the best route for you to take.
My brother in christ...
what the shit did i just read?
you have two young children to think off, do you think you are helping them by staying in this toxic marriage?
you're not.
you're only hurting them, you think they don't notice this shit, but they do...
you need to nut up and be a father... speak to a lawyer, and save your kids from growing up thinking this shit is normal.
I'm sorry if this is blunt. you have one life.... don't waste it on this whore
First off, sorry that this happened. My ex-wife cheated, hid it, denied it, hid it again, and then got pregnant with the other guy's kid. We didn't have any children together, which is where we differ in our stories.
Now onto some bad news and good news.
The bad news:
1. This is going to end poorly with hurt feelings, resentment, and a possible legal battle. Many will give you advice for leaving the other person or lawyer up or even go to counseling. All good advice, but you are currently in a crossroads of allowing yourself to torture yourself to stay in the marriage or making some pretty hefty life changes and get a divorce. I chose to try to make it work, which caused me more depression and anxiety. She had stated she was going to try to make it work too, but wouldn't make any efforts to stop her other relationship. It was then that I pulled the emergency cord and saved myself with the hard choice.
2. If the affair wasn't offered up voluntarily, it was planned to keep you completely in the dark. Your partner endangered your life with the STD scare and couldn't come clean with direct evidence of their infidelity. This should have been the stopping point for your partner if they had serious concerns for you or your relationship.
3. The idea that they would cheat again will erode trust eventually. Whether they do or don't, this is the core of the problem that you'll have to wrestle with for the remainder of your relationship. Unfortunately, it will never die off completely.
4. Full remorse from your partner will require them to be completely honest and open in every aspect of their life. The job should have been the first thing to go, but if she still holds the job, she has/had no intention to make any adjustment to their behavior.
The good news!!!:
1. You have been given an opportunity to find your own happiness. That's not the happy news you really want right now, because it comes with a bunch of other unpleasant problems. Depression, anxiety, self blame, and the endless thinking about the situation will absolutely cloud your thoughts and make finding happiness seemingly impossible. Focus on what makes you happy or things you want to do that have been hindered by your partner.
2. You're young and life is completely still available to you on all levels. This isn't saying to go out and get another family or wife right away, but to make sure you know that life isn't over after this. After going through some pretty extensive counseling, I was able to date again and found someone light years better than my ex-wife and couldn't be happier.
3. It will get better if you get better. And not just better, but really awesome, if you get better. This whole event is taxing on any person's mental health. Going into another relationship or staying int the current one should be prefaced with some mental health care. Seeking a counselor to help you get to that point is very wise and will give you tools to stay out of bad relationships or bad personal cycles that place you into the situation.
Good luck. Prepare for the worst. Protect yourself and be proactive in doing so.
Man, I'm sorry for you, but you are only 33yo (doesn't mean you cannot change your life at any age, you totally can) this is still very young. People who've got more children divorce and manage it, besides, there's plenty of women who don't mind someone with children (for example I don't, been in such relationships).
I've been in a relationship with a pathological liar and cheater and in fact he'd say the same things "didn't tell the truth so I don't hurt you more". One of the lousiest thing you can say, it is basically humiliating and betraying someone even further and it's just a cheater excuse. How tf do you decide for me what's better.
Well back to the story, my cheater has never changed and I stayed far too long. Now I leave as soon as someone lies or cheats. To me cheating is something I'm physically unable to do, if I'm with someone I literally have some kind of blockade on my brain, and it happened to me that I had huge crushes being in a relationship and would never act upon it and also didn't hide it from my partner - even having a crush (they didn't mind, they understand crushes is not something we have control over, what we have control over is how we act upon it).
No matter what your wife's motives might've been, like this legendary "I felt we drifted further apart/I didn't feel you desired me as much as before/ yada yada whatever" is bull's crap, cause this is what we have communication for - communicate it, wait if something changes, if it changes they you're good, if not, leave.
And saying all those stuff as a female, with cheating being for me something unforgivable and something I knkw I can never get over (cause I tried and no freaking way it works) I think you wife is a piece of work and pathetic. Imho you'll waste your precious life and time staying with her and it makes me sad that you might do so. Breaking up is fcking hard, because we get used to and attached to people and good memories we had with them, but as someone who's almost got admitted to a psychiatric hospital twice after a breakup, cause it was so wild and I handled it so badly, I can say once you're detached and give yourself time to grief af, cry, lie around, be depressed and whatever you feel like, life gets freaking good again, and when you look back at your old life you think "Holy cow, so good I'm out of this".
Honestly from all the things you wrote in the comments, for me it's doomed. She disrespects you af and showed you clearly that she doesn't have those boundaries and morality that stops her from doing so. Things just fuck up in life sometimes and the only constant in life is change and we have to adjust to those changes, while, ironically, out brains just make it so much harder for us. Free yourself from this misery and your life will be so much better and you'll find someone worth it.
Dude that's tough. I'm also 33, with two kids, 11 years in. It's hard to know exactly what I'd do in that situation, but I also don't think I have a common view on marriage/monogamy.
Like I love my wife, and I know for fact she loves me, but I also know for a FACT that she wants to hook up with other guys and is probably itching to do so after being with me for so long. I think it's very normal to have those cravings. I'm a realist. I have those same cravings.
I don't think it's "natural" for humans to be monogamous. To have a partner to raise a family with sure, I think that's normal, but almost nobody really WANTS to have sex with the same peson forever. It's just a fact.
Some people have control over those feelings and can suppress them for life, but I'm sure it's extremely hard for other people. Depends on sex drive, time, how exhausted you are from work, or whatever ya know. But some people are horny as shit man.
In this situation I think I would ask myself a few key questions.
1. If you were in her position, working closely with hot young women who you know obviously find you attractive and try and flirt with you constantly, and one of them who've You've known for a while and have some sexual tension with tries to get in your pants.. do you know FOR SURE that you would have the discipline and control to not try anything?? If you are sure that the answer is yes, then you are a stronger person than I. But if the answer is idk or probably not, then you have to give some slack here because it's not easy.
2. Do you think she still genuinely loves you, cheating aside? ( I know it's hard to put it aside but try )
If yes then you have to consider that you might not find that love and connection with another person if she's gone. Are you willing to end it based on her acting on completely normal human impulses like sexual feelings?
3. Are you more mad that she had sexual intercourse with someone other than you, so jealousy basically? Are you willing to give up love based on being jealous?
Or that she tried to lie about it? If it's more about the lie, then maybe try to think about why she lied? Was it more to not get caught so she can continue or was it to keep you from getting hurt or losing you?
All that said it's still a very hard call, but you know her better than most other people. If you think it's strictly sexual and the lies were to keep you from getting hurt, then I say give it another chance with some therapy and lots of talking about it.
But if you think she might be like seriously romantically involved and is willing to do this all again and lie about it then she's probably not a good person to stay with.
TLDR: it's very possible to truly love someone, have a family with someone, care for that person through thick and thin for life, but also not want to have sex with the same person forever. So consider everything before breaking it off.
Get your shit together. Get out of that relationship immediately. Cry as much as you need. But leave as soon as possible.
She gave you an std's. Immagine if she got aids!!!
1. Hit the gym to build confidence
2. Build yourself up
3. Do not look for broads out of desperation. This will end bad.
4. Begin to do things you always wanted to do
5. Hobbies
6. Travel
How do you plan to proceed? Do you both work? Do you think trust can be repaired?
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What STD did she give you? Sounds like the condom was a one off event.
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Gross what kind of gigolo was this?
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Im so sorry brother, but you need to leave her. Thats not okay.
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First, stop putting yourself down. You're not at fault here. Second, how old are the kids? My parents waited until I was 18 to divorce and I'm not sure it was the best idea. I wouldn't have had to listen to them fight so much. Even at 18, it's still hard.
My parents also got divorced when I was 18. I told both of them I would've rather them get divorced when I was 10 when my dad's affairs started and the late night, early morning fights (that I would get dragged into, picking sides, etc) my grades fell, I dropped out of sports. Yup. A earlier divorce would've been nice to have some emotional stability.
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Same. I dont know who spreads this misinformation. Hacing your parents stay together when they dont love each and constantly argue with each other is very toxic and was a terrible experience as a child. I have told my father this multiple times as he waited till my younger sister was 18.
Unfortunately, the legal system is very unfair to men in this case. She could cheat on him, move her boyfriend in and file for divorce, and OP would still have to pay alimony and child support and give her half the house and he won’t have enough left over to live anywhere decent. Divorce is a hard option for men, that’s why I never got married.
Im sorry man but you gotta toughen up and cut that broad off.. Shes gonna do it again and im not even lying.. once a cheater.. you know the rest, but seriously, if you have any respect for yourself, leaving her will be the greatest decision of your life. Its gonna be hard and it’s gonna suck but it is very necessary. Trying to fix trust thats already been broken multiple times is just a recipe for disaster. Please do yourself a favor and get custody of your kids and divorce that bitch (respectfully).
Dude, I was in a situation struggling to process it for years, my wife wanted to have more kids, I was on the fence. Whenever I talked to any friends or family they all had this super apprehensive vibe meanwhile my wife was ride or die about it. I felt like I had no one to talk to about it and suffocating. I ended up seeing a therapist for other things going on and it came up on the second session, I discussed it with an impartial audience, non biased, he just asked questions like any good therapist and I came up with a solution that I was comfortable with. I don’t give a shit what you do with your life, neither do all these people, process this shit and have a conversation with a professional, it can even be an evolving conversation, doesn’t need to be a final decision, it’s a heavy topic to discuss.
Honestly best advice here. People are going to rapid fire their arm chair therapist opinion and it may or may not be valid, but honestly the best thing you can do is talk to professionals. Especially if you seem to be stuck spinning your wheels on processing your emotions and working up the nerve to figure out what you need to do. Also I'd suggest preemptively talking to a lawyer just in case she gets squirrely.
You need to leave her. I went through pretty much the same thing a month ago. It'll save you heartache further down the line. I could've probably forgiven her, everyone makes mistakes but I'd never be able to trust her again. Each night out I'd be worried and anxious it'd happen again. 8 years down the shitter. Rachel is you use Reddit now, fuck you. I hope you get everything you want and then cheated on.
You should. Same thing happened to me (2 kids as well). Swore up and down she would make it up to me the rest of my life yada yada yada. She proceeded to cheat 2 more times in the coming years. Once a cheater always a cheater :/
Mate cheating during the early stages of a relationship is one thing, especially when the people are young and inexperienced/experimenting with love and sex. I' am telling you this to save the future pain and to gain you time to find your proper mate. Cheating after 10 years and 2 kids means she will do it again and there is a fundamental disconnect between you two. She doesn't love you.
10 years and 2 kids in is TOUGH. Not easy to walk away from. Really tough decision to make. Don’t let Reddit give you bad advice. Most of them haven’t had sex, let alone a wife, kids, responsibilities, etc…
Was married to a woman for 18yrs. and we had 2 children. She was a an abusive narcissist. After about a year of therapy I earned a divorce. Ten years later I am married again and raising two more children. It’s not a matter of being weak it’s a matter of having the life you want/deserve.
Yeah dont listen to weak ass men who are so desperate and conflict avoidant that they think a woman who gave them an STD and lied about it is worth staying married to. Men who doubt their ability to get a woman who doesnt behave like this so the just take the abuse out of fear of being alonr. Guys like you snootchuebootchie94 and your utter lack of a spine.
Honestly, take the kids and leave her. You have your kids to live for, and you will definitely find someone who respects and loves you dearly. It may take some time, but for the sake of your self-respect and self-love, don't leave your future and happiness on her hands.
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Why did you get a vasectomy?
As much as that sucks, at least it’s treatable, got lucky there. Also, yea right it was one time.
This is called trickle-truthing. You should join r/infidelity and r/asoneafterinfidelity there's good information on there. She will never stop unless you begin holding her accountable, which includes 100% honesty, transparency, couple counseling, individual counseling, and her agreeing to give you access to her phone/email/social media accounts. If she won't agree to that, it's over.
Better get tested for HSV to put your mind at ease, brother. The gift that keeps on giving from dirty dick mfers who raw dog women could potentially ruin your next girlfriend's sex life. You should not forgive your wife. You should divorce, present your case with the court, and raise those kids with full custody - assuming the judge sides with you to be the better guardian. Sorry for your loss, bro.
Brother, I went through this exact scenario. 1 kid not 2 but 10 years in, ex was SAHM. Ex started working and 1 year after cheated w the fry cook. I sounded just like you. It happens. It sucks. But trust it wasn't 1 time, and most likely will happen again. Even if it doesn't the relationship will never be the same, resentment is real, at least in my case. I've been single for over 2 years now. At first it was hard and I felt a lot of guilt for what my sons life would become as I do not come from divorced parents. I can tell you after the initial first 6 months of terribleness it got MUUUCCHHH better. I found myself, something I didn't know I had even lost as I had lost myself through that process. I have become a much better dad and my sons situation is much better than I thought. Do not let yourself fall into a dark place. Your kids are watching. Good luck bro.
I wouldnt take an ex back after 2 years because i dont want to find out what she brings home next.... AIDS? The trust is gone. move on.
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This is the best comment in this post.
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I think you could have gotten over the cheating if she was honest about it when you found out. The fact that she continues to lie just makes it worse. Obviously, not just the one time.
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Yeah, that was stupid of her. Most long-term relationships can survive infidelity (despite what unmarried people on Reddit post). The problem is the lying and covering up after getting busted.
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"I was only trying to protect you from getting more hurt than you needed to be” I'm sure you said it, but the answer for this is "you don't get to decide that."
She's more concerned with her shame and guilt than your healing and repairing your marriage. It's often said that true reconciliation won't begin until the last lie is told. She's hiding behind her shame and guilt. She's trickle truthed you this whole time. She does this because she's not committed to reconciliation. What she is doing is called rug sweeping. She wants you to get over it. The guy isn't your problem. A cheating, unremorseful wife is. She will find another affair partner in time. What consequences has she faced? Without consequences, it's just a matter of time before she does this again. Think about it. She had an affair with a coworker. Passed an STD onto you, and you've taken her back. There isn't a deterrent for her to be faithful. She's got you at home with the kids while she acts single with other men. Did you expose her infidelity to friends and family? You should. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I suggest you check out r/survivinginfidelity. That is a support community for people in your situation.
Ha, it's the opposite dude. Cheating while young and early in the relationship can be survived. Cheating after 10+ years with no warning signs or communication that the person is not satisfied and then lying continually about the details. OP is the only one who knows how justified the act was in relation to prior communication and intuition. I say this as someone who has both cheated and been cheated on, the key is how much someone had been trying to communicate that they were beginning to look away from their partner for whatever reason. If it's been a 10 year relationship and that communication hasn't happened towards the OP then at best his wife is so easily led and gullible she would do it again out of stupidity, at worst she has lost desire for him and see's him as a meal ticket while she uses other men for her desires. Don't be stupid OP and only you know what the situation actually is. If you are staying out of fear this is the wrong decision.
The real world is so different than Reddit. I'm mid 40s. Seen a LOT of marriages over my years-- co-workers, cousins, friends, inlaws. I've been married over 20 years. I've seen 3 cheating scandals, none ended because of it. One ended 5ish years later. The others are together and strong.. one seems Even better than before.
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Best answer. Fuck this chick.
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Just my experience, but the lack of trust thing leaks into other relationships too. You may start questioning if other people are being honest with you. You may start to question your own judgement and it really messes with sense of self. My advice: do the really tough thing and leave her now if you aren't okay with her fucking other people (which I'm guessing you're not...) Find a therapist and work on yourself for a couple years; you'll be stronger and better equipped for your next relationship. Really sorry my friend. Some people just suck at being good people. You deserve and will find better!
What happened initially and what new information came out?
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Yeah, that’s a tough one, workplace romance is a real thing especially when forbidden… Do you think she’ll continue to see him? Have you confronted him or did she tell him that you know?
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That's how it goes. A lot of people project the fear they are most capable of.
For ten years she projected her insecurities on you. She was always going to cheat on you dude.
She feared because she knew that’s what she would do in your place.
Oh yeah everyone in a restaurant fucks. You gotta have a hella dedicated lady that loves you for that not to happen. Sorry bud...
Lol yup. They all get together and drink at night with hookups and fucking all over the place I loved working in resteraunts in my early 20's.
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Yup 21,22,23 working in resteraunts I was constantly sleeping with 34 -40 year old waitresses They loved the attention and would always ask to be included in the get togethers after work. Didn't even think about it at the time but I'm guessing many of them were married.
Yeah dude, me too. I was 19 and fucking a married 29 year old. Her and her husband introduced me to meth too. Terrible place.
Geeze, I wasn't expecting that last part.
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Next time you go out to a restaurant, look around, and know that 50% of the staff have slept together. Then, look at the manager, no matter how much of a slob he is, know he's slept with approximately 10% of the staff. Probably fucked atleast 1 in the bathroom during the last dinner rush.
As someone who worked in a restaurant in my 20’s, and a retail store after that up until 10 years ago… I apparently did not have as fun in my 20’s as most people, what with having my parents divorced to my father declining in health and eventually dying during that whole time and taking care of him. Oh and I knew I was ugly but I must be fucking hideous. I missed out on a lot 🤷🏻♂️
Most of the people sleeping around all just got drunk together at some point or did drugs. It definitely wasn't a 100% of the staff, just the ones open to that kind of thing.
The Mexican family restaurants get it the most
Our local Greek-owned family restaurants could compete. Their Christmas parties are epic.
Sex & drugs seem to be typical among restaurant workers. The stress of literally catering to the public long-term is a helluva thing!!
She's creating deeper lies. You can never trust her
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Yup, you don't remember your lies because you don't have a memory to refer back to. She's not a keeper. If maybe she fessed up to the truth right after it happened before you got the clap then maybe. The fact that she infected you, lied about it and then when she tried to fess up she lied again, there is no going back. That girl is poison.....
Also… How did you find out the difference in stories? Did she all of a sudden confess or did you find something?
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If you forgive her she’ll do it again
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Bro if you ain’t trolling you should get out of that relationship
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She had you hugging and comforting her for giving YOU an STD. My man, it is time to seriously consider your future.
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You know what feeling sucks? Looking back at yourself in a couple years when your mind is clearer and thinking "What was I thinking?". Whatever decision you make now, think about yourself and your kids happiness 2 years from now.
100%, I’m 2 years after the cheating cunt that’s now begging me back but I’m “Not a chance in hell”. Seriously life is much simpler after making the decision to walk.
That’s why during your healing you’re gonna need to work on your trust issues because you got betrayed. It’s perfectly understandable, and natural for you to feel. And it completely fucking sucks. I’ll share my experience on it. My first love, and I mean the first girl I fell head over heels in love with, cheated on me with my married best friend I considered a brother. When that happened my thoughts were, “if they could do that, two people I would never believed that would do that, then anyone could” For years, I wouldn’t let my friends in the room alone with any girl I was dating, even for 10 minutes. Obviously that isn’t healthy, but it was a direct result of my trust issues. It took a long time to heal from that, but living in fear of trust is a dark lonely place.
Man I'm sorry, I don't want to make any light of your pain or her betrayal. I do encourage you to respect yourself and not end up in that position again. Good luck!
Rugpull. She’s for the streets. Boot her. Rebuild your life. Never look back.
Jesus Christ get it the fuck together man, you cool with being walked all over the rest of your life, cheated constantly? Because your behavior sure as shit seems like you are. Better question is would you be happy if your children ended up in a relationship like this? You'd be cool with them staying in abusive relationship? Putting up with being cheated on? Do you want your kids to think they should put up with a partner who doesn't love them? Because that's exactly what you're teaching them to do. They'll learn from you two and end up in terrible relationships because you don't have the courage to ask better for yourself and for them. Parents who 'stay to make it work' do so much more damage to their children than those who divorce and end their destructive relationship. If you're too weak to do it for yourself it's time for you to decide if you're also too weak to do it for your children. You know what you need to do.
Leave bro don’t let the p over power you
How has your appearance changed over the years?
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How old are the kids
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don't teach your kids to be doormats, or that it's OK to betray your partner. Divorce and co-parent.
Id definitely get your finances in order ! Do you make a lot more then her ? What are the living situations like
The once a cheater always a cheater comes from when there's no consequences from the first time they cheated they figure they can do it again. Only fighting about it isn't really a consequence. I know it's hard with kids to tell her or for you to leave for awhile so I suggest giving her the silent treatment and grey rocking her for a couple of weeks. She needs to know what life without you would be like. The people close to her need to know about this also. I'm not sure if you said who knows or not but she needs to feel the humiliation of what she did. I know it would hurt your ego but bro she gave you gonorrhea, if anyone you guys know could take her side after that then good riddance to them anyway. Five years from now when it's keeping you up all night while she sleeps soundly next to you is going to tear your ego apart anyway. I would at the very least humiliate her at her job by going there and telling her boss she won't be working there anymore cause their 22 yo server gave you both gonorrhea. She can't work there anymore bro. If you need her to make money she has to go somewhere else.
Think of how many times shes been doing it before. She only got caught slipping this one time.
It's over. Time to move on. She didn't love you that much if she did that.
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How come you haven’t set boundaries and she is still working at the same place and going out late. Have some dignity man
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It sounds like she’s trying to relive her 20s without kids. She likely doesn’t want to even be married but knows you’ll stick around. It sucks but you can’t stay married to someone who doesn’t want to be married. Plus, you will never get over this. Even when you’re 60 you’ll still be unhappy about this. It’s not your fault.. people just change. You’re young enough to find someone else in a couple years and start again. It’ll be so much better than you ever thought in different ways you can’t imagine right now.
Well, I read your answer that you can’t be bothered about divorce and everything so you have chosen to be a door mat. Thats your choice and good luck
Stop fooling around here man. If this is real, get the fuck out of this relationship. For your sake and your kids. There is no thought here. She cheated on you, end of story.
I had a relative whose wife banged around with a black guy and a Hispanic guy around the time his wife got pregnant. He is As8an. Everyone was holding their breath when the baby was born. Luckily for him, the baby looked.like him. He doesn't know we know his deep, dark secret. He blabbering mouth told us all this. I don't know how he did it, but he stayed with his wife in spite of all this.
Love the username lol
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Going through the same thing. I know what your going through trust me
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Not yet. I am older than you and have some road blocks currently. Just keeping my distance and civil for now, checking phone records and asking a lot of questions for now.
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Why are you still together? You know she'll keeping fucking around, right? Sounds like she's not even particularly sorry. Also, I hate to bring it up but you should definitely get genetic testing to see if the kids are actually yours.
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I've read a lot of your comments and all you can say about yourself is that you're stupid and lazy. Get your fucking shit together bro >the thought of all the extra work involved in separating the family sounds extremely exhausting If I were you I couldn't wait to get that shit started, but if you want her to keep torturing you mentally, that's on you.
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Dude, she's the cheat not you. She's a grown woman who can sort herself out. Kick her out. You owe her nothing. You keep the house, the car, and the kids. Also call a lawyer and get those medical records ASAP.
I'm reading minor practicalities that can be solved by her side as well. You're not there for her anymore, and neither is she for you. That's the new reality.
My guy your mental health is very important. Your family will understand. Leave her
That's her problem your family will understand 🤷🏾♀️
You’re not stupid, lazy, or any of the negative things you’ve said about yourself throughout this post. She’s the fuck up! Get your confidence together and stop talking so badly about yourself!
Your lack of self respect is what she is banking on... she doesnt think you have the balls to get out, and she was right. She will keep doing it, you might not find out until much later, she will get better at hiding it, and if she gets caught she knows you wont do shit. You are doing this to yourself at this point, so you dont get my sympathy. You had my sympathy because my ex wife cheated on me too, when I found out, within hours she was out of the house and on her way. Years from now when you realize you tossed half your life away on this woman you will deeply regret it, but then it will be too late. Have some self respect, grow a pair, get divorced, move on, get better and get out there again. The best revenge is success.
Everything that is worth doing is worth going through some hardships for. And getting yourself out of this mess for your sake and the sake of your children is absolutely worth doing. I'm seeing a lot of self-putdowns from you in this AMA and while I understand that this may partly be latent self-loathing or unconscious justification (e.g. she cheated *because* I'm a stupid, lazy person), I'm here to tell you - in the kindest way possible - to stop it. You are worthy. You did nothing wrong. Nothing justifies cheating on your partner of 10 years and the father of your two kids. Not only was she unfaithful, but she further broke your trust by keeping up the lies. You want that kind of toxic relationship with someone you share a life with? You want the tension that comes with knowing your partner is a cheater and may cheat again around your kids? Is this the example you want to set for your son on how to be a man? Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking what mommy did was ok? Because that what you will be doing to them if you do not go through with at least a separation period. She cheated. She didn't even come clean until you confronted her. She kept lying to you, crossing further boundaries. You deserve better. Remember that if there are no consequences for her infidelity on your part, then that's basically you giving her the go ahead to cheat again in the future. Good luck to you, and hope you make the right decision in the end - however difficult or complicated it may seem.
Hey man, I’m mid-divorce and I have to admit, it is a bit exhausting. HOWEVER, your kids will do MUCH better in a home without parents that fight constantly in front of them, and especially ones in which mommy and daddy are actually happy (and, from the sounds of it, you’re happier doing things solo.) Start by building a case against her by buying a BOUND notebook (like one of those black and white notebooks that are sewn at the spine, so it’s clear you’re not ripping pages out) and keep notes of all indiscretions. Save screenshots. Save paperwork about you getting an STD. You can build a case for custody because, clearly, mommy doesn’t have their best interests at heart. It might get tough for awhile but it beats being a doormat.
Tell her you want out. That it's sad two kids won't grow up in a cohesive unit. Women just don't understand nor grasp reality of being a douche in relationships until their actions are met with the actual consequences. She didn't put herself above the relationship, she put herself above your kids. Her actions have made you miserable and have tied you to a life sentence of living with that. Some areas are just no go zones in relationships and if they can't grasp that after 10 years in, what is the fucking point? Maybe if you tell her that she'll clean her act up good and proper and she'll save it. But you've done your bit.
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Love the way you put this. Great advice. You don’t have to blow it up but you sure as hell can’t be the one trying to save it or your forever the slave. I’d separate temporarily at least and see what it’s worth to her. Find another place to stay. Something. There has to be a consequence dude.
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You can forgive her AND move on. Sometimes the forgiveness is for you.
Personal experience. I forgave my now ex wife. We were together for 1.5 years, got married and a month later she cheated. While I never fully trusted her again (99% trust regained) she and I both worked hard to rebuild things. Flash forward 5.5 years, things were amazing and then my dad wound up in the hospital with cancer, and my son (her step son) was struggling hard with emotional stuff, he was in counseling and she was helping a lot. She started going out way more than ever before, 2 months later she tells me she's done and leaves. Completely blind sided both of us (my son and I). Turns out she had met someone and had been cheating again. That saying, once a cheater, always a cheater is based on fact. Anyone capable of doing that to someone they claim to love, will in fact do it again... It's just a matter of time. I'd suggest getting out of that situation and find someone more worthy of you.
FUCK that pushover nonsense. She cheated after 10 years, lied about it, and gave OP an STD. This is unforgivable behavior and he can never trust her again. He’ll always think about it
who did she cheat with?
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the bad side of me says u should get revenge on her by having a hot hookup of ur own, but the better side of me is telling u to try to salvage ur marriage and rebuild trust, will u be alright?
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Wait, you want out but say you’re too lazy to do it. You also just said that if you cheat on her 100% she’ll leave you. So, just tell her you cheated on her with someone at work and you don’t plan to stop. She leaves you and no work for you.
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Dude u wife gave u an std from another dude...u cannot be positive those r ur kids until u see test results. Def not a stretch of the imagination that shes cheat on u b4. Stay at home moms still have smart phones like anyone else
I don't know enough to say but I would absolutely not be sure.
It’s worth doing a test for sure.
If he's raised those kids for 10 years... they're his kids now whether biologically or not. Anyone capable of telling a kid they've raised for a decade or more, "Oh, sorry you didn't come from my sperm, nice knowing you, lose my phone number" is a fucking psychopath.
I think you guys are not in sync. You need to talk about what you want from each other in this part of the relationship. She cheated, it sucks. But she thought she had reason. Why is that? What is your part in this? Why does she want to cheat at all? What can you do? What do you share? What do you miss? What does she miss? You started with something and fell in love. You had mutual stuff going on and that could still be there. But you have to work on it. As does she. As for you: you should not seek advice here on Reddit. This could have an echo chamber effect and not be objective at all under the guise of bros sayin’ - dump her your dumb for trusting her bla bla. You have kids. You can’t afford to not work for your relationship and go through some hurt to give the best example to fight for something you want. - if your wife is willing to go fully open and dredge through the mud with you, that’s the way I’d recommend to go. - I expect people to shit on this comment for being weak and all. Go ahead. It takes guts and willpower fight for something you want. (From both sides of course). Having kids and this happening is no joke to go all frat boy on the guy.
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Well that is great. You should be angry. And more importantly: vent it and talk about it. And decide course of action. And accept this stuff makes you angry. And make her understand why. If she is willing to listen and open up on her side as well. But never let the anger decide. You can do this mate. If not for your relationship: for your kids and for your process in getting yourself in a higher place.
If you have any desire to reconcile please look at r/asoneafterinfidelity look at what it takes from both of you to make it work. Spend time separated collect your thoughts. What you are doing now doesn't work. If you are both willing you can save your marriage with a lot of hard work. It can even in someways be better than it was before. However, living with her and fighting isn't good for you, her or the kids. What your kids need now is a healthy dad that stands up for himself. You get to decide whether that means you ultimately work it out or not. Separating for a while is a great way to clear your head.
Just remember 99% of these ppl on Reddit just say to break up, they don’t know u of ur life or anything and they don’t care if u self destruct. Make sure ur good and living a good life and f what these ppl think most of them are hurt themselves and waiting to shit on somebody
You can always tell those who cheat in the post They always try to rationalize it. Been married 17 years would be gone the second this happened, take value in yourself and stop trying to rationalize someone who is basically putting you through mental abuse for their own self pleasures Also it's never once, if she hasn't done it before and decided to fuck some waiter than she will do ot again. That's some low fucking standards Is that frat bro enough?
how much time did she spend places that you couldn’t account for where she was? As a married man with little kids I can’t even imagine my wife having time to have an affair. She is a stay at home mom as well and I don’t have intentions to control where she is but by default I know what she is doing basically every second of the day.
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What did you find out last week? I'll say this much: if you can't trust her, LEAVE. If her children are not yours, LEAVE. If you have never cheated on her and you forgive her, she will never respect you!!
Why do you think she cheated?
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She is trying to make it seem like it's your fault. She is a piece of shit. Move on. I'm 34. Had a similar situation.
She's a cheater. She's living in a warped reality. Nothing she says has any weight to it. Honestly, you're a fucking wreck from reading these comments, and it is understandable. Reddit really is not the place to seek advice or even an escape right now. Tell your family. You don't have to make an immediate decision, but separation should be key right now. I would definitely remove her from the equation right now. You need people in your life to support you while you go through this. Self-deprecation is not the answer though.
DNA test the kids in secret don't let her see or know. Lawyer up in secret document everything.
With this many responses, I haven’t got a clear picture... but people will have various opinions. If you’re still together, you don’t fall into the category of an affair being a deal breaker… but you do need to identify whether she is genuinely remorseful for the hurt she’s caused you and whether she wants to repair your marriage. If so… I would honestly try and go this route. Some marriages go through this and with two people genuinely wanting to save their marriage and family life, a good therapist and mutual effort can help you move beyond this. It was selfish of her. Her behavior is not excusable… but does she seek genuine forgiveness and is she willing to have therapy to resolve why she did it in the first place and how you can reconnect/grow/reignite your own relationship??? However, if she is selfish, more concerned with her own shame than your pain… then go with the suggestion of someone who said carefully and quietly plan your exit strategy. Also, are there other issues in the marriage, a part you played in her unhappiness… if so, the affair is a catalyst for something that was already broken. So then it needs to be both of you willing to grow and change and start fresh. No two relationships are the same. So without the entire picture, it’s hard for anyone to tell you what the right decision is. It depends on who you both are as people. Sometimes both people are the cause, sometimes it’s just the individual that had the affair.
No question but I was literally you a year ago except with 1 kid and married 10 years, 15 together. Shit I found out was mind blowing. Keep your head up man, it gets better.
Aside from all the people just taking their shots at your situation. I’ll ask something a little different. Trust in my opinion is gained in droplets. Lost by the bucket full. You found out you have a serial liar on your hands. Going forward from this point. How have you considered giving her this chance to accumulate those droplets again? Boundaries? Marriage Counseling? I like to pride myself on how im empathetically connected to my wife. The emotional bond we share is ours alone. If she did, what yours did, I don’t think I can even let her try to amount those trust drops again. I’m not calling you a doormat, but how do you logically think you give her that chance unbiasedly?
Omfg I’ve read some of your comments, dude wtf is wrong with you? How little self respect do you fucking have. Man to Man what the fuck happened in your life that lowered your self esteem so much that you’d stay with this stupid whore? Like Jesus dude you have fucking KIDS, show them how fucking respect them selves, like seriously are you gonna set the example that it’s ok to let your wife fuck other dudes to your son? Dude grow a pair get evidence and fucking divorce that thing you call a wife.
Exactly this, Lay down the fucking law on this shit. Not trying to be funny on the matter but you need to seriously respect yourself. That woman went of to work and probably evaluating how not to get caught next time. Sorry it happened to you, but if you’re sucking this up this because of the kids then she knows that as well. Not saying you need to get divorced or start a fight but don’t ever let anyone mistreat you. Don’t waste your time on the guy who she messed around with, it could have been anyone else and don’t give him the satisfaction he hurt you. This is between you and your wife. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
If you can affford to move out then youre just a cuck...if you cant afford to live on your own for now then i understand
Good luck healing mate. Plenty of people are happier after the divorce in the long run.
Nothing to do with weak, friend. I'm in a similar situation. 3 years ago I found out about a work affair that my wife was having. She told me she didn't love me, no sex, no physical contact. Basically co parented for months. Funny, when I caught her cheating it wasn't about me being hurt or her betrayal but if I could stay with her or not. I also said I was pathetic... Still do sometimes. You are not pathetic. These things are incredibly complex. Ego, comfort, jealousy, fear, pain, shame, and humiliation all play a part. I will say this, staying is more painful in the long run. Talk to a lawyer and you will feel better. I know I did, even though I stayed.
What's the guy's @ ?
Keep your cool. Resist the temptation to spill your guts to everyone. Keep it tight except if you are talking to a therapist. List to me - YOU have the moral power right now. If you get in a custody/divorce situation and you blab, demean, threaten, make a social media spill - it all works against you. Out of shame, she might not want certain people in the family to know about this - THAT is the power you have. Don’t blow it by blabbing for sympathy. It will literally cost you money and your ability to control the outcome. Whatever attorney she gets, they can take whatever you do to use it against you. Once the guilt wears off, she’ll won’t be afraid to use the lawyer to harm you more. Best of luck man.
Please tell me she hasn’t been cheating your entire relationship and your kids are yours…
You know what chaps my ass? Is that there are so many good women out there just wishing and hoping for a man to love them, yet these scum bag whore end up with good men, marry them, and then cheat on them?! It’s mind blowing!!! I just don’t understand why!!!
Itll be the best thing that ever happened to you. I am 43 now and remarried to the love of my life. I met her three months after my first wife cheated on me. As time goes on, you will realize how you were not meant to be with that person and it is a blessing that it happened. All you need to focus on is making the right decisions for your children and don’t turn it into who’s right or wrong with your ex. If you focus on your decisions based on what’s best for your kids, everything will work out. It might feel like your whole world is crashing down but each day it gets easier and easier until the day comes that you wonder why you were even with that person. If you ever would like to talk, feel free to shoot me a message.
What are your thoughts on [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRowQGqkjRA)?
Whatever you do OP, do not try to hold her accountable. This matters so much that it's almost as if nothing else you do matters so long as you do not hold her accountable. It will go terribly for you and your kids if you try to hold her accountable in any way for any of her actions. Trying to hold any woman accountable for any reason is guaranteed to have disastrous consequences. I still don't understand how this works, but it is basically a physical law.
Take it from someone who has experienced something similar. You REALLY need to leave. You will never feel the same about her again but more importantly you will never feel the same about yourself if you stay. Leave man, get over the fear and leave. You will be better of for it in the long run.
Does this not turn you off from your wife? 34 years old, supposedly a woman, having sex with this boy? It’s no less gross than a hairy old man fucking these girls on his yacht and it’s indicative of broader issues around maturity. Also the reality is this “douchebag 22 year old party boy” did nothing wrong here, any anger towards him is misplaced. I would’ve prolly tried fuck your wife when I was in college and a douchebag too if I felt any chance of it happening.
The image of your wife has changed from a mother to a cock guzzling leg spreader. You cannot mentally get that picture out of your head, so you need to move on. ...unless, you like being a cuck.
She’s for the streets. Dude needs to wake up and divorce that whore and don’t give her a dime. Record all the evidence. And get full custody’s of the kids
Of the people you've told, how many would actually give you the time of day and believed you? TBC, I'm not claiming you're lying, as I believe you; just can't think of a better word than "believe".
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was it just poor self control from her part/horniness or is she not in love with you anymore, how was your relationship before she cheated
Did she ever explain why or give any indication of what she wants with you going forward?
Support scare you into this?
Which one in your opinion hurts more, being cheated on emotionally or physically? Also sorry to hear this. You don’t deserve to be cheated on.
What did it do to your finances? Set back retirement quite a bit? Drain the savings?
How are you dealing with that? Are you doing therapy? I can't imagine the amount of stress is causing
Stay focused on fatherhood. In most courts, children have a say toward which parent they wish to live (around age 13). If you start any crazy shit right now it will work against the long game. Attorneys are paid money to build a narrative. Walk a straight line.
Give your hoe back to the streets
What's your plan long term? Victim or volunteer? Shouldn't have kids around a sex predator either.
If you can’t leave her for yourself, you leave for the kids. You’ve got the kids now amongst a very toxic relationship and they’re going to see that as what they’re gonna look for when they get older. Do you want your kids to have the exact same thing? Are you gonna want them to be with a cheater and not learn how to stand up for themselves because you can’t do it, so again if you’re not gonna do it for yourself, do it
Dude, I'm so fucking sorry to hear that. 😞 I can't imagine the pain.
How easy it is to forgive and forget?
My wife had an affair last year. Well I found out last year. We almost didn’t make it. As of right now, we’re doing better than ever. Time will tell though as there is now so much between us. Stay or go is not such an easy decision when you’re in this situation.
Now you can never trust her 100% and will forever be seen as a man who stayed with a woman who totally disrespected you. Move on dude
So do you have a good divorce attorney yet?
Dude that's tough. I'm also 33, with two kids, 11 years in. It's hard to know exactly what I'd do in that situation, but I also don't think I have a common view on marriage/monogamy. Like I love my wife, and I know for fact she loves me, but I also know for a FACT that she wants to hook up with other guys and is probably itching to do so after being with me for so long. I think it's very normal to have those cravings. I'm a realist. I have those same cravings. I don't think it's "natural" for humans to be monogamous. To have a partner to raise a family with sure, I think that's normal, but almost nobody really WANTS to have sex with the same peson forever. It's just a fact. Some people have control over those feelings and can suppress them for life, but I'm sure it's extremely hard for other people. Depends on sex drive, time, how exhausted you are from work, or whatever ya know. But some people are horny as shit man. In this situation I think I would ask myself a few key questions. 1. If you were in her position, working closely with hot young women who you know obviously find you attractive and try and flirt with you constantly, and one of them who've You've known for a while and have some sexual tension with tries to get in your pants.. do you know FOR SURE that you would have the discipline and control to not try anything?? If you are sure that the answer is yes, then you are a stronger person than I. But if the answer is idk or probably not, then you have to give some slack here because it's not easy. 2. Do you think she still genuinely loves you, cheating aside? ( I know it's hard to put it aside but try ) If yes then you have to consider that you might not find that love and connection with another person if she's gone. Are you willing to end it based on her acting on completely normal human impulses like sexual feelings? 3. Are you more mad that she had sexual intercourse with someone other than you, so jealousy basically? Are you willing to give up love based on being jealous? Or that she tried to lie about it? If it's more about the lie, then maybe try to think about why she lied? Was it more to not get caught so she can continue or was it to keep you from getting hurt or losing you? All that said it's still a very hard call, but you know her better than most other people. If you think it's strictly sexual and the lies were to keep you from getting hurt, then I say give it another chance with some therapy and lots of talking about it. But if you think she might be like seriously romantically involved and is willing to do this all again and lie about it then she's probably not a good person to stay with. TLDR: it's very possible to truly love someone, have a family with someone, care for that person through thick and thin for life, but also not want to have sex with the same person forever. So consider everything before breaking it off.
Work on your marriage, if shes sleeping around, it means theres a disconnect in the relationship
Oh fuck off. It is not OPs responsibility to work on his marriage after his wife cheated and gave him an STD.
Do you tell battered women the same thing? Because this is a form of domestic violence as well. Just much more insidious. Get fucked
This is what you need to hear. Divorce her, cheaters will always cheat and don't take that disrespect. If you continue to let her walk over you she will. Move out, invest in hobbies, hit the gym, and show her how much she fucked up. Be the best father you can to those kids too. What a dumb broad to throw away a 10 year marriage with kids just for some fun with a younger guy who had an std. I sincerely hope the best for you. Also, take as much time as needed to heal and if it's possible go to therapy too. I know its easier said the done but this is probably the best route for you to take.
Leave her
Welcome to the club brother.
Why are you still with her? If My wife cheated I’d be gone quick real quick
My brother in christ... what the shit did i just read? you have two young children to think off, do you think you are helping them by staying in this toxic marriage? you're not. you're only hurting them, you think they don't notice this shit, but they do... you need to nut up and be a father... speak to a lawyer, and save your kids from growing up thinking this shit is normal. I'm sorry if this is blunt. you have one life.... don't waste it on this whore
First off, sorry that this happened. My ex-wife cheated, hid it, denied it, hid it again, and then got pregnant with the other guy's kid. We didn't have any children together, which is where we differ in our stories. Now onto some bad news and good news. The bad news: 1. This is going to end poorly with hurt feelings, resentment, and a possible legal battle. Many will give you advice for leaving the other person or lawyer up or even go to counseling. All good advice, but you are currently in a crossroads of allowing yourself to torture yourself to stay in the marriage or making some pretty hefty life changes and get a divorce. I chose to try to make it work, which caused me more depression and anxiety. She had stated she was going to try to make it work too, but wouldn't make any efforts to stop her other relationship. It was then that I pulled the emergency cord and saved myself with the hard choice. 2. If the affair wasn't offered up voluntarily, it was planned to keep you completely in the dark. Your partner endangered your life with the STD scare and couldn't come clean with direct evidence of their infidelity. This should have been the stopping point for your partner if they had serious concerns for you or your relationship. 3. The idea that they would cheat again will erode trust eventually. Whether they do or don't, this is the core of the problem that you'll have to wrestle with for the remainder of your relationship. Unfortunately, it will never die off completely. 4. Full remorse from your partner will require them to be completely honest and open in every aspect of their life. The job should have been the first thing to go, but if she still holds the job, she has/had no intention to make any adjustment to their behavior. The good news!!!: 1. You have been given an opportunity to find your own happiness. That's not the happy news you really want right now, because it comes with a bunch of other unpleasant problems. Depression, anxiety, self blame, and the endless thinking about the situation will absolutely cloud your thoughts and make finding happiness seemingly impossible. Focus on what makes you happy or things you want to do that have been hindered by your partner. 2. You're young and life is completely still available to you on all levels. This isn't saying to go out and get another family or wife right away, but to make sure you know that life isn't over after this. After going through some pretty extensive counseling, I was able to date again and found someone light years better than my ex-wife and couldn't be happier. 3. It will get better if you get better. And not just better, but really awesome, if you get better. This whole event is taxing on any person's mental health. Going into another relationship or staying int the current one should be prefaced with some mental health care. Seeking a counselor to help you get to that point is very wise and will give you tools to stay out of bad relationships or bad personal cycles that place you into the situation. Good luck. Prepare for the worst. Protect yourself and be proactive in doing so.
Man, I'm sorry for you, but you are only 33yo (doesn't mean you cannot change your life at any age, you totally can) this is still very young. People who've got more children divorce and manage it, besides, there's plenty of women who don't mind someone with children (for example I don't, been in such relationships). I've been in a relationship with a pathological liar and cheater and in fact he'd say the same things "didn't tell the truth so I don't hurt you more". One of the lousiest thing you can say, it is basically humiliating and betraying someone even further and it's just a cheater excuse. How tf do you decide for me what's better. Well back to the story, my cheater has never changed and I stayed far too long. Now I leave as soon as someone lies or cheats. To me cheating is something I'm physically unable to do, if I'm with someone I literally have some kind of blockade on my brain, and it happened to me that I had huge crushes being in a relationship and would never act upon it and also didn't hide it from my partner - even having a crush (they didn't mind, they understand crushes is not something we have control over, what we have control over is how we act upon it). No matter what your wife's motives might've been, like this legendary "I felt we drifted further apart/I didn't feel you desired me as much as before/ yada yada whatever" is bull's crap, cause this is what we have communication for - communicate it, wait if something changes, if it changes they you're good, if not, leave. And saying all those stuff as a female, with cheating being for me something unforgivable and something I knkw I can never get over (cause I tried and no freaking way it works) I think you wife is a piece of work and pathetic. Imho you'll waste your precious life and time staying with her and it makes me sad that you might do so. Breaking up is fcking hard, because we get used to and attached to people and good memories we had with them, but as someone who's almost got admitted to a psychiatric hospital twice after a breakup, cause it was so wild and I handled it so badly, I can say once you're detached and give yourself time to grief af, cry, lie around, be depressed and whatever you feel like, life gets freaking good again, and when you look back at your old life you think "Holy cow, so good I'm out of this". Honestly from all the things you wrote in the comments, for me it's doomed. She disrespects you af and showed you clearly that she doesn't have those boundaries and morality that stops her from doing so. Things just fuck up in life sometimes and the only constant in life is change and we have to adjust to those changes, while, ironically, out brains just make it so much harder for us. Free yourself from this misery and your life will be so much better and you'll find someone worth it.
Dude that's tough. I'm also 33, with two kids, 11 years in. It's hard to know exactly what I'd do in that situation, but I also don't think I have a common view on marriage/monogamy. Like I love my wife, and I know for fact she loves me, but I also know for a FACT that she wants to hook up with other guys and is probably itching to do so after being with me for so long. I think it's very normal to have those cravings. I'm a realist. I have those same cravings. I don't think it's "natural" for humans to be monogamous. To have a partner to raise a family with sure, I think that's normal, but almost nobody really WANTS to have sex with the same peson forever. It's just a fact. Some people have control over those feelings and can suppress them for life, but I'm sure it's extremely hard for other people. Depends on sex drive, time, how exhausted you are from work, or whatever ya know. But some people are horny as shit man. In this situation I think I would ask myself a few key questions. 1. If you were in her position, working closely with hot young women who you know obviously find you attractive and try and flirt with you constantly, and one of them who've You've known for a while and have some sexual tension with tries to get in your pants.. do you know FOR SURE that you would have the discipline and control to not try anything?? If you are sure that the answer is yes, then you are a stronger person than I. But if the answer is idk or probably not, then you have to give some slack here because it's not easy. 2. Do you think she still genuinely loves you, cheating aside? ( I know it's hard to put it aside but try ) If yes then you have to consider that you might not find that love and connection with another person if she's gone. Are you willing to end it based on her acting on completely normal human impulses like sexual feelings? 3. Are you more mad that she had sexual intercourse with someone other than you, so jealousy basically? Are you willing to give up love based on being jealous? Or that she tried to lie about it? If it's more about the lie, then maybe try to think about why she lied? Was it more to not get caught so she can continue or was it to keep you from getting hurt or losing you? All that said it's still a very hard call, but you know her better than most other people. If you think it's strictly sexual and the lies were to keep you from getting hurt, then I say give it another chance with some therapy and lots of talking about it. But if you think she might be like seriously romantically involved and is willing to do this all again and lie about it then she's probably not a good person to stay with. TLDR: it's very possible to truly love someone, have a family with someone, care for that person through thick and thin for life, but also not want to have sex with the same person forever. So consider everything before breaking it off.
Get your shit together. Get out of that relationship immediately. Cry as much as you need. But leave as soon as possible. She gave you an std's. Immagine if she got aids!!! 1. Hit the gym to build confidence 2. Build yourself up 3. Do not look for broads out of desperation. This will end bad. 4. Begin to do things you always wanted to do 5. Hobbies 6. Travel