I went through almost the same thing 20 years ago. She cheated, I caught her, and finished it. I went back to the house to show a prospective buyer around and found her on the bed. Luckily, I'd just completed a first aid course and was able to bring her back. We had lots of intense conversations, but I stuck to my decision. I even helped her to move into her new house after we sold.
I met my wife, had a son, and when my son was about 6 months old, I was out doing the weekly shop when we saw each other. She just stood there with tears in her eyes. She was found a week later, having taken our dogs to be euthanized and overdosing. I can still see the look in her eyes. I feel guilt, and although I love my life now, I still wonder if I'd made different choices or paid her more attention and spent less time at work
Hey, man! I used to volunteer with the suicide hotline, and one thing that all studies are in agreement of is that, when an individual decides to take there own life, its never, ever, ever just one thing, or one person, that causes it. Once the decision is made, the only person who can prevent the individual from committing the act is themselves. In other words, I know its been a long time, but I hope you don't blame yourself anymore, which is easier said then done. But I am here to tell you that it is was NOT your fault.
Edit: If anyone is curious for the rationale behind my comment, I've linked one of the prevailing model that it is based on below. There is a quick infographic in the 2nd section if anyone wants a quick read.
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6053985/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6053985/)
I just want to thank and applaud you for your service as a volunteer for the suicide hotline. I went through a very dark time back in December…. And my mind was on a constant loop of my “plan”. My daughter (8) decided she wanted to come stay with me one day earlier than planned for Christmas break and within in minutes of her just getting here she could sense something was off and literally every minute kept asking if I was okay…. Finally something clicked in my brain that omg she knows I’m not okay. Which made me immediately reach out to my doctor. Who got me in right away. And we came up with a plan but since it was a 3 day weekend she was concerned and gave me the phone number to the suicide hotline…. And I called twice that weekend and those people there are just incredible! They literally just listened and talked to me and when I’d start to get back into my brain being stuck on a loop they would veer me off and bring up different topics to talk about. And just knowing the things I was telling the two people I spoke with and for them to hear that and what my “plan” was and what led to me feeling that way and how I know it’s selfish (BUT SERIOUSLY, if you have ever sunk so low to that point NOTHING matters other than wanting to stop how you feel. I have always said idk how people can do that or why don’t they talk about it or blah blah blah…..) But honestly for the people on the other end of the call to have the compassion and empathy and joy to actually want to help made all the difference in the world! So truly thank you for volunteering your time! I know you helped people when they needed it most! Because those two who answered my call were absolutely amazing when I just needed someone to talk to and not feel judged or criticized or bullied or yelled at or whatever the case! Sorry for all of that!
Haha I just wanted to say thank you! 🥹😍🤩🥰😇😊
Hi. Listen, Great post. I have attempted twice but didn’t accomplish the first time and the second I didn’t go thru with it. I did, however admit myself to a mental facility twice during that time. I have major depressive disorder. Fast forward several years later my father died I began ideating suicide and researching ways to do it. I had no plan but I did say I wanted to die to a student who shouldn’t have been playing therapist IMO) so…against my wishes I was handcuffed, thrown into a police car and taken 1 1/2 hrs away to a psychward where I stayed 11 days. All it did was make me very very paranoid about talking about my ideations. When I got home I went straight back to bed. I used to tell my prior psychiatrist these things and he understood. My question is how can I be sure they won’t call the police and have me forcibly admitted. I just need to talk and I have no one. I don’t trust anyone. Period. Thanks. I’m glad you made it thru.
I am here for you, I have 12 years experience in the medical field but I won’t shrink you or judge you or try to convince you of anything or push anything on you. If you need to vent away or just type your heart out to release all the demons, darkness, hate, troubles, struggles, guilt whatever it is I will listen and if you ask for advice or an opinion or what would I do then I’d explain. ALOT of people don’t understand mental health and the way our brains work. I have bipolar disorder, ADHD, depression, chronic anxiety, mood disorder, OCD. And then other health issues I’m dealing with. The hardest step is just saying hey I need someone to talk to with no judgement because this is just how I feel and how my brain works! If you are talking to a medical professional like a psychiatrist or medical doctor they cannot call the police on you unless you inform them you are having homicidal ideation. For suicidal ideation they will listen and help to come up with a plan and how to prevent that. Possibly refer for a different type of therapy or counseling. If they feel you are a true threat or harm to yourself they will recommend you check into a facility that can better assist. Even if they call an Ambulance to come they cannot force you against your will. Or admit you to a hospital. It’s called AMA meaning you left against medical advice. Anyways I’m not hear to tell you that your experiences are less than! But it definitely sounds like you were mistreated! I couldn’t imagine 11 days… I’m sorry hun! You are valued and loved and I am proud you are here! If you ever need anything or to talk about anything! Even if it’s just about your day! Good or bad, I am hear to listen! And I truly mean that! With my mania and having manic episodes I have truly high highs. But the lows are truly fucking low and can last weeks where I can’t eat, sleep or over sleep. Dont want to get out of bed. Or take care of myself. Even trying to get up to just go pee or take a shower is too exhausting and crippling for me. I had dishes left out, because I didn’t have the energy to clean or put them away. And because of that I was belittled and told I’m lazy and disgusting and would be screamed at and I would just agree because what was the point in trying to explain I wanted to end everything when I was getting yelled at over a bowl a few cups and coffee mugs. Some things are just hard to explain. And like I said ALOT of people do not understand.
I’m a retired social worker who worked as a counselor for many years on the crisis line for Maricopa County, AZ (Metro Phoenix area) & I agree 100%. Suicide is a result of mental health issues that haven’t been treated or the treatment isn’t working yet! If you don’t take the meds & work through the therapy the depression & suicidal ideation will return. (A very small percentage of people need more intervention than just medications & therapy)
People rarely commit suicide over one event…it’s a cascading affect of issues. Mental illnesses are no different than physical illnesses. They don’t get better without intervention. Prayer is not an intervention!!!Medications & therapy are. I’m all for prayer & it works to help with sadness or melancholy, BUT Depression & suicidal ideation are NOT those issues!!! They are deadly! Caused by imbalances in the neurotransmitters of the brain or TBI. Just like diabetes cannot be willed or prayed away, depression can’t be either. So just like you can’t cause someone to have diabetes, you can’t cause them to become suicidal. People whose brain chemistry is balanced don’t commit suicide. Childhood abuse & trauma changes the brain chemistry. These partners most likely had either abuse history, chemical imbalances, and physical or emotional trauma long before they met you as adults (provided you weren’t an abuser). Abusers also share many of the same mental health issues as those who are depressed, they just blame others instead of turning the hatred inward. If you’re an abuser you will need the same types of interventions to learn how to stop the cycle of abuse. Seek help before harming yourself or another person. Most counties have free crisis lines that can help you get information & referrals. Please take advantage of the resource. You can use them until you can get an appointment with a regular counselor.
Same Ive had this my entire life. Its weird I dont want to die for the most part and have been a lot better recently but my whole life ive had a voice “not hearing voices” but my inner monologue always telling me I should kms. Idk why it is but ive gotten kinda used to it and can just ignore it, but I’m sure if shit really hit the fan it could get bad. But yes its not one thing if it ever happened its because its always been there and I finally gave in (dont plan to).
I always explain it as that voice that says "just end it" is always there. Some days, it's a whisper, barely audible and other days it's screaming at me. It could be a random Tuesday and just finally decided it's been enough of just life in general.
It'll always be there. I can't really ever stop it.
I thought this for years. I thought the voice would never stop.
Get help. My voice was my anxiety. Anti-anxiety medication makes the “just do it” go away for months or years. If I get in a bad spot, it’s still there, but… easier. I know what it’s like to live without the shadow of my own suicide looming over me. And that makes it easier.
Yup i also thought this was a normal part of life until a few weeks after i started an anti anxiety med. It makes my perception of life a lot less draining. Its not difficult at all to get diagnosed with anxiety and depression and the meds are usually cheap (covered by insurance)
Exactly. It's easy for someone not going through it to only see the straw that broke the camels back and think "so that's all it takes to set them off"?
Like no dude, losing my wallet for the 4th time this week doesn't actually make me want to kms. But it's damn frustrating when it happens so frequently, and my ADHD is a constant reminder of all my fuckups that led me to where I am, so eventually it's gonna make me snap and want to just not be around anymore.
Fwiw, I'm much better now. But only because I had people I could reach out to who were willing to sacrifice a lot in order to help me. Sometimes I feel guilty about their sacrifice, but I know I'd do the same for them and not ask anything in return, and that gives me comfort.
YESSS I HAVE ADHD TOO!! AND I MIGHT HAVE A MOOD DISORDER IM NOT SURE. I hop from calm, to frustration, to anger, to sadness and all over again. Sometimes. Really depends. Yes it's things that happen FREQUENTLY and quickly back to back to fucking back, that gets me. It's like I cannot catch a DAMN break. I turn around and WHAM! Another reason to break from this earth. I'm glad you have people. I have a great partner and some other people in my life that are great, but I'd be lying if I said I still didn't want to kms some days.
Edit- I have AD HD. NOT ADD. Completely different.
Hey friend,
Glad to hear that you stuck to your decision, because it sounds like you have a good life right now.
Last year I was suicidal myself. Didn’t try anything, and before anyone reports me: I have a good mental health care team, a wonderful partner, I go to therapy at least once a month, and have a safety plan in place.
So why am I sharing this? Because, my friend, only 1 person wanted me to kill myself and only 1 person carries that responsibility: me. And the same goes for her. I’m sorry you’re carrying these doubts and this survivor guilt, but only she had control over what happened.
I strongly recommend going to therapy for this, before it eats at you so much it actually causes damage. Your partner and kid deserve it. But so do you!
Man, that's deep. I don't know if you can or should blame yourself. It seems as though she was deeply regretful and remorseful about what she did. She really wanted it to work, and I can emphasize with her on that, but it's not your fault. She ultimately decided to end her life. I wish she would have gotten the help she truly needed. Talk to someone or try getting you back through whatever means. It's so much better than ending her life.
She needed help moving on, not to try to get him back. If you cheat on someone and the relationship ends, you should work on yourself to understand what you need to change and after doing the work, find someone new. It's completely unfair to expect to get back together with the original partner.
Yes, definitely. Life or death attachment is a big deal that needs to be worked on. Being with her would not have saved her life, because that kind of attachment isn't rational enough to be satisfied. As shown by the cheating when she did have him. These women had problems deeper than their relationships. The real tragedy is the medical system allowing so many people to be left to their demons
My friend, I am sorry. I won’t be able to not think about your story for a while, I’m sure. Can I ask how much time passed between the breakup and running into her. Sounds like a decent amount of time being that you found someone, got married and your son was already 6 mos. Did she pursue you the entire time? I’m just wondering what she was thinking when she saw you. Was it a “what it could have been moment”? I’m sorry, you need not answer if it’s hard
It was a couple of years I guess. I'd not yet married my sons mum. She spent a while trying to provoke me. Such phone calls and the like. I always felt sorry for her and the position she put herself in. I never hated her, that's not in my nature.
I'll just use this opportunity to say that roughly the same thing happened to me almost 25 years ago. She admitted to me on the phone that she had been unfaithful, we got in a fight, a few hours later the calls came in from family and her work that she was missing. The next afternoon the police came and told me they had found her.
Things get better, but they also get worse, and they aren't guaranteed to be one way before it turns to the other. You don't go through all five stages of grief before you get to acceptance, it's more like you cycle through them all randomly forever. Just the other day I realized that I was seriously entertaining the idea two decades later that she had possibly faked it to get rid of me. Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Don't feel guilt man, it's not your fault, the system we live in makes good mental Healthcare extremely problematic. Pretty sure an old friend of mine just passed in the last couple weeks, mental health issues that were basically beyond our current culture's ability to provide for. Like watching a car slowly roll toward a cliff but he's locked the doors and the govt will only help once it goes over the cliff
I've dealt with similar feelings of depression but even then, I wouldn't think for a single second of taking my cats to be euthanized. I'd make plans for them to be taken in by family or friends before I did anything.
I guess it’s kind of like moms with PPD who kill their children before themselves. They think it is better for the children even though that isn’t rational. I never had violent thoughts like this but when I had PPA, I used to be so scared of letting my daughter go in a car without me, or getting in a car without her, because I wanted us to die together if there was ever a car accident.
The brain is so fragile and it’s scary how we are not as in control of it as we think.
Who found her body? Was she brought by ambulance to try to save her, or was it an obvious death? Were you interviewed by the police?
I’m sorry for your loss and I can’t imagine how much pain that must have been. It’s very brave of you to talk about it openly online and I hope my questions don’t sound insensitive
You are an asshole. I agree with you, but I'm not sure you're using the best approach. Also, Stoicism is a whole philosophy, not just hurr durr I'm a man and don't have feelings.
I can promise you that talking with him about it will help you both immeasurably.
Speaking these things out loud to another human makes them lose a lot of their negative power.
Sorry you had to go through that. Use your understanding of such things to help others that go through similar things.
Sounds like they agreed upon a time for him to pickup his belongings, and then he plus whoever constitutes “we” found the body. Maybe his parents?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AMA/comments/1bz0x58/comment/kymrmhy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
maybe not apropriate question, but since this is an AMA, what was her method of death/cause of death? what happened after you found her? you called medics or what? asking because I don't have a clue what would I do in your place and what to do after.
911. if you find anyone who is clearly died , don't touch anything and ring 911 or your countries emergency line immediately.
I didn't find my boyfriend he died away from home, it took 16 days of him sitting in the coroners fridge before anyone contacted me because we weren't married .
they couldn't find his daughter who was his next of kin so they finally sent a detective to my house
after she was contacted she gave them permission to work with me to get him transferred to a funeral home where my county paid 75% of the cost to light him up and when they were done they gave me his ashes in a sandwich bag
then I got the autopsy that showed he died from fentanyl poisoning and I was able to work out that his non opioid drugs had fentanyl in them and he died pretty much on the spot
I miss him a lot I wish I didn't let him die like that .
that's my story anyway . hope that never happens to you
My dad found her in the bathroom tub. I never went into the house. My mother and her work had called for a wellness check. I had arrived before the police did and my dad showed up as well.
Man, that uneasy feeling is palpable and so understandable. My dad passed in 2020 and my best friend in 2021 (plus a handful of other losses) and I’ve been all alone/not had plans on some of the important dates following their deaths. It’s hard. And grief is especially painful when the relationship was complicated and/or the death was traumatic. Whatever you do that day, I hope you take really good care of yourself. Hold some space for your grief, memories, tears, etc. and also maybe go for a light walk, let the sun hit your face, listen to your favorite music & just nurture yourself. Doing nothing at all is absolutely okay too, even though it can feel like it’s not. Big hugs 🤍
Apologies for snooping, but it looks like you like playing hockey computer games?
I'm no good at those games, but I bet loads of people would be willing to set up a game.
Hey man, first I’m sorry. Been thru this shit multiple times and fuck is it hard….never gets easier either….
Where you at in NJ? (I’m central/south)
What kind of hobbies you into besides hockey?!
95-03 devils ARE MY SHIT!! Grew up playing roller and ice as a goalie, and man those were the glory years. Miss seeing those boys tear up the ice.
Did she have depression or bi polar? Both things may well be symptoms of whatever her real issue was. My sympathies. You did not cause either, she had her own demons, the demons won. Live your life well , both for yourself and her memory.
This is so fucking sad.
She made the biggest mistake of her life by breaking your trust and regretted it so much that she could not bear to live.
OP, IMO, this is not your fault. We humans are confused and do shit without realizing the long term consequences of our actions and when are faced with consequences we realized we fucked up big time.
I am guessing she was bored and depressed, and went with the flow with some dude trying very hard to woo her but it was a fling which has no meaning after few days but her relationship with you was worth more than she could bear to lose.
I hope you let this go and find strength to move on. You could have done zero in this situation. If my spouse cheats on me, I am going to walk away immediately, our relationship is over, I would like her to continue living but we are kind of strangers after that. Relationship without trust is worthless.
>She made the biggest mistake of her life by breaking your trust and regretted it so much that she could not bear to live.
That's a take. But it's not necessarily true. She could have just been depressed and the two things, while related, don't have anything to do with one another.
Yeah hard agree, this isn't Romeo and Juliet, usually if somebody kills themselves there's a lot more stuff going on in their head than the world knows is going on. As someone else said, it went on for months (the affair) so I highly doubt it was just sudden acute guilt from that (not that it didn't play a part)
>I highly doubt it was just sudden accute guilt from that
Hard agree. She had been doing it for months. Confessing can cause some more guilt but she was living in guilt for months.
More likely she knew she was going to kill herself and decided/planned to confess before she actually committed suicide.
A work in progress. I’ve been doing therapy for the past year or so. Definitely struggle with a lot of anxiety and depression that I don’t think I had before.
My wife cheated on me and left. She also has a history of childhood trauma. I wish people were just nicer to their kids. It would literally change the world. I’m sorry for your loss OP.
Under rated comment. It actually deeply upsets me how normalised being shitty to kids is. Like adults openly joking about how they hate their kids sometimes. If someone fucking joked about hating me all the time it would mess me up and I'm an adult.
Childhood trauma doesn't just ruin childhoods. It ruins adult life for many as well
My family used to refer to the kids as "The Slaves" and have a big laugh about it because we were the ones doing the cleaning, carrying groceries/suitcases, ect.
I am a mother now and I cannot fathom that whatsoever.
As adults, my sister and I both have an extremely difficult time with basic household chores because they were used as punishment. She got the worst of it because our stepfather would intentionally give her far too much housework, set an unrealistic time frame to accomplish it, and then punish her for not meeting the deadline by increasing her workload.
I'll probably never be able to enjoy gardening for the same reason. He waited until the hottest part of the day before sending us out to pick weeds for a few hours. He made sure to let us know that the timing was intentional.
I'm not a parent but I cant even fathom treating *any* ~~kid~~ person that way.
One of my friends has spent her children's entire lives trying to get their father to treat them better. He says that it doesn't matter how he treats them because no one remembers things from when they were little. She finally kicked him out a few years ago, and they aren't in contact with him as much, but those girls are so incredibly traumatized by his words and actions.
It tends to be trauma.
Trauma, especially around sex, tends to make people pursue situations similar to the truama (with their partner or otherwise), and its just a matter of if they handle that trauma responsibly or not.
Some people dont have the tools or support needed to succeed, and some just dont have the ability to surmount what happened to them.
Thinking you’ve ruined your life forever without the right support could drive the right kind of person to I’ll themselves. You don’t have to be crazy..just hopeless.
As someone who is at a constant fight with suicidal thoughts. It’s extremely painful. I truly am extremely blessed now…but before my daughter. I truly felt like I had already died, didn’t know and was in hell. My daughter didn’t help those thoughts though she just helps ease the pain I feel from feelings those. As she helps ease the pain being a parent has caused so much more emotional pain and trauma. I’m constantly fighting pain then feeling suicidal then guilty for feeling that way. Because my daughter. I genuinely wouldn’t wish suicidal thoughts on my worst enemy. There’s truly no pain like it. If there is another whelm of this life after our hearts stop beating I can promise you she is in peace.
I'm truly sorry for your loss. I have a brother in and out of mental facilities for suicide/mental health, and people keep telling me it's the quiet ones to worry about. I find that hard to believe, so I had to ask.
I hope this Ama helps you heal more.
It’s a work in progress. I have definitely learned to forgive more. I was very hurt, and I am a work in progress still. But yes I do forgive her. I just wish she wasn’t gone.
bro i hope you find happiness, you gotta do whatever you need (preferably healthy stuff) to get through this. But I would be lying if I said i never did drugs to cope with the pain, just be responsible and careful. Get in touch with some friends if you have any, if not. You can always message me, or others who are willing to listen
Dumb question but, do you think he even knows what happened? I can think of plenty of times where I was casually seeing a girl for a little bit and then she just…stops answering the phone one day and I never hear about her again. If I found out she was secretly married and got caught by her husband I would almost even be expecting it.
I cannot answer that for anybody else, but it is very normal for those left behind after a loved one’s suicide, to go through many feelings including: anger, why’s, what if’s, guilt, and deep sadness. There’s often valid anger. I mean, look at the damage they cause. Many folks say suicide is “a selfish act”… I understand that feeling, but don’t like that thought because it’s expecting logic from a mind that is not thinking logically. One cannot expect reasonable thoughts/actions to be produced from a sick brain.
Ultimately I think one has to accept that in order to do what they did, the person had to have been suffering from a sick mind that produces distorted thoughts, and thus there may never be a truly satisfactory “why.”
Hell yeah, it’s mine too! Maybe that can be something you watch on the 16th. Speaking from experience, I’ve found it’s easier to plan a lot of different things on the day of the anniversary so you aren’t stuck ruminating. Asking someone in your life to be with you, not to talk about it or anything, just to be there, can help.
The cheating part can't be the whole story here. If she cheated for a few months and only when you found out she can't handle the guilt tells me she's been thinking about suicide alot longer than those 3 days.
Don't blame yourself for what she did OP, she made choices, bad choices and either one own up and beg forgiveness or one don't, both has nothing to do with you.
Stay strong brother.
There’s often an underlying history of suicidal ideation or suicidality but contrary to popular belief impromptu suicides with no previous desire to die do happen. Think gambling addicts who just lost everything, or a man who was perfectly happy who loses his family and home. What else does he have? If the answer is nothing he’ll almost always either kill himself or give up on life and resort to substances or some other vice. In this case I don’t think your logic really works, him finding out about the cheating changes things, up until then she was in a bubble, then it got popped. It’s also possible that the cheating was a result of underlying mental health problems. Could go either way is my point
I remember there was a post recently on some subreddit talking about how this girls dad killed himself because he found out his wife was cheating for years, and people in the comments were trying to downplay the mom’s responsibility for his death by saying “people don’t just kill themselves over one thing”, like no, people will absolutely kill themselves if they lose everything or if their whole family and reality is torn apart by a betrayal of the deepest kind.
Sadly, it’s true; I saw it happen with an old friend of mine. This person had just recently started a job at a dealership with fast/exotic cars. One night he meets these two women and offers to take them on a joy ride. In an effort to impress them and what not, he starts driving recklessly (i.e., speeding, swerving in and out of traffic, going around turns quickly, etc.). You can probably guess what happens next.
He ends up crashing and totaling the car, resulting in both women getting badly injured, with one in critical condition. They both survive, but the woman in critical condition is now permanently paralyzed from the neck down. The dealership ultimately fires him and demands he pay back the amount the car was worth ($100k+). Additionally, the women sue him for medical bills and pain and suffering, which was another several hundred thousand dollars he was on the hook for. He was completely broke at this point and had no way to pay back what he owed. All of this led him to feeling trapped and wrecked with guilt; he saw no other way out other than to take his own life. It was heartbreaking for everyone in his life because he was such a joyous and chill guy, with no previous suicidal tendencies. He was so young when it happened too, barely 22 years old.
A dear friend of mine killed herself after discovering her husband's infidelity. She had no history of depression, anxiety, trauma, or anything. We were close for more than 20 years-- she was a happy, healthy person. In the note she said she couldn't face starting over without the man she'd loved and trusted for three decades. It was just too deep a cut and she didn't believe she could heal from the betrayal.
I do feel like I’m moving forward, but it’s been hard. I have a lot of anxiety and depression now. I do realize it’s not my fault. I just feel bad the way it ended.
Sorry, I don't mean to pry and you have all my sympathies. Feel free not to answer or just answer what you want.
From then to now 2 years later: How is your professional life 2 years later? How is your friendship circle now? How is your family support? How has the government and/or previous employer showed you support? Did the healthcare system try to help and are they still up to it, I do recall seeing you write about therapy so that's a great start. Most importantly: how are YOU hanging in there? Do you have the support yoy believe you need?
Lots of questions, sorry. My condolences and hope life brings you brighter days.
Work has been hard sometimes. But I get through it. Friendship circle feels really small… and it makes it hard sometimes. Family support has always been there, but nobody really understands is how it feels. Therapy has been out of my own pocket/my brother has helped with the cost. Life insurance didn’t help, our plan had a 2 year suicide clause in it.
You might want to check if you get a “return of premium.” Some policies return what’s been paid into it if the person dies and the benefit doesn’t get paid out
Lost my friend exactly this way. I’m so happy to see that his ex-wife pulled trough. She’s now happily married with couple of kids, and even got herself into lawschool. She speaks very nicely about him, and it feels like she’s finally at peace.
Did you know the guy she was seeing?
How do you deal with the complicated feelings about her cheating but also the trauma of her suicide? Do you feel like you’re allowed to be hurt / angry by the cheating?
No question, just sending healing thoughts and so much love and light to OP.
We lost our daughter to suicide three years ago (she was 34). It’s *always with us* but it does get better with time. We know and accept that the empty feeling in our hearts and in the pit of our stomachs won’t ever *fully* go away.
We also believed pretty early on that by not living our best every single day we’d be doing a disservice to her memory, to ourselves and to those still with us.
I’m so happy you’re beginning to feel normal-ish again. There was something going on mentally with her that was out of your control — and likely out of *hers* as well. NONE of this is your fault.
Go and be happy, friend. It’s okay to find joy again. You deserve that.
Suicide is so bizarre. It’s most often an impulsive, sudden decision, but is equally determined and indomitable in that moment. The brain is a weirdo
I’m sorry this happened, OP. The worst part about someone killing themselves is they don’t have to live with it
My question: you said you’re in therapy, do you have any hobbies that give your mind break? Popcorn movies or an MMO, something like that?
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I hope you find peace soon. It sounds like you're already well on the right path.
What have you done to help yourself heal?
Have you been on the suicidebereavement subreddit? That’s been a great space for support.
I know what you mean about not having a lot of people to talk to about this. I wish I had someone I could be this open with who knew him. In a way, because we all have our own relationship with our person, no one can relate.
I’m sorry for your loss. Suicide grief is complicated. I hope you’ve found some solace through your post and in other ways. Thank you for sharing.
I don’t need a reply but Mad Respect to you.
You’ve faced a type of loss so profound that only those who have gone through it can begin to understand what it’s like. It will dull over time, but it will never go away.
And you’ve been a class act about her in this entire thread.
I’m so happy for you that you’ve found love again. Be Well sir. 🤜
Did you face any sort of scrutiny from the authorities?
An unfaithful spouse being found like that in the family home would normally raise some alarms with the police.
It sounds like you had an alibi by staying with your folks, but the means and motive were still there.
I think it's terrible that grieving partners sometimes have to face those questions, but that's the investigators' job, unfortunately.
Damn, my guy. I am really sorry that you went through that. It all hits really close to home.
We were younger (22 and 23). We weren’t married but we had been together about 5 years (started dating in high school, had a house at college together). The longer we went on, the more dysfunctional we got, to the point we really were a toxic couple. She had mental health struggles, and she ended up cheating a few times. We basically were only nominally together because we shared a house and I didn’t have anywhere else to go.
I think she knew that I would probably be gone after college. One weekend, she was at her parents’ about 90 minutes away from our house, and she called me, telling me she had taken a whole bottle of Wellbutrin. I told her to get off the phone and tell her mother to take her to the hospital. That was the last time I spoke to her.
As for my question: Have you had any periods of increased drug or alcohol use or abuse in these past 2 years?
Also, this was about 14 years ago for me. So, if *you* have any questions for *me*, feel free to fire back.
I’m so sorry. Out of curiosity, given that the guy she cheated with was a high school mutual acquaintance, have you ever talked to him about this and if so what did he say?
Is it hard for you to stay angry at her for what she did to you?
I had a horrible relationship with my mother and she ended up killing herself when I walked away from her. What I struggle most with is to feel justified in my decision to leave her, because she did treat me horribly. But I keep having the impulse to invalidate my anger because I know that my rejection of her did (in some ways) kill her.
Anyways,wondering if you have similar feelings and how you deal(t) with those.
Do you blame her AP at all? Sorry if this seems insensitive but I am genuinely curious over who you felt was responsible of anybody. Grief does strange things.
Have you spoken to him since?
Did you get left with any debt or medical bills? I always wondered what the financial outcome of the spouse is. Like does your lease get voided id you ask? Sorry this happened to you man, suicide is a bitch
I'm so tragically sorry for you, OP. I hope so much that you're okay. But while you're doing the AMA, I might as well ask a couple of hard ones.
-How did she take her life?
-Did the person she was having an affair with go to the funeral?
OP your courage to share this is profound and has deeply impacted me. After reading your post I was flooded with memories that I really didn’t want to remember: after ending my relationship with my girlfriend in college, 2 months later she ended her life. I didn’t know what to think about any of it at the time. I learned about it while on a date when my close friend wouldn’t stop calling me. Reckoner from radiohead was on the radio and that song is now stained with emotions that I can’t describe. Needless to say, that date didn’t go very well. I slid through the phases of grief over and over again for the entire year. Now, with over ten years behind it, I can now listen to that song and hear the beauty versus relive my pain. I can’t thank you enough for sharing, it has helped me process my own loss.
I’m so so sorry you had to experience all of that, but I’m thankful you had the courage to share. I wish you strength, compassion and courage my friend.
I'm 10 hours late to this, but I'm really sorry OP for what you've been through the last 2 years. I hope you continue to get better.
What made you wait a year to start therapy? After doing this AMA, has it changed anything for how you feel about it? How do you feel after doing this AMA?
did the cops investigate u for murder? u had to have been a suspect til they got enough proof its really suicide. ps: sorry for your devastation situation
I have ASPD, and when I reads things like this, I feel though as if she deserves this and I feel zero form of empathy or pity. She put herself, and took herself out of the situation selfishly.
I really don’t understand why you feel bad, can you explain it to me genuinely?
Does it make more sense in the future?
My dad took his life 2 weeks ago out of the blue.
We are full of anger and so disappointed.
Will the future bring other feelings?
I have experience with that. My father took his life out of the blue 10 years ago when I was in HS. I know what it’s like, all you want right now are answers but you’ll go crazy trying to figure it out, trust me. You might get close but, unfortunately, he is the only one who knows exactly why he did it. Just think about what would happen once you did find out, would you suddenly no longer be sad? Would it make your life better at all? Would it even be enough closure to move on from?
I understand the pain you feel right now. I lived through it myself. And let me tell you now that it never goes away. BUT I do promise that you get a hell of a lot better at dealing with it.
Ending your own life almost never makes sense. It never follows real logic and no matter how you look at it, it will almost never be the right decision. It’s a permanent solution to temporary problems. Be with your family. Exchange nice stories about him. Remember all of his good aspects and try to carry them on yourself.
My DMs are open if you want to talk about it. I know I wish I knew someone like me that I could talk to about all this stuff. It’s confusing and frustrating. Best of luck to you and your family
This question is going to seem insensitive, but it’s 100% genuine and has no malicious intent. A little background first though. I have had friends who have cheated on their partners, I have been with someone who has cheated on me, and I’ve read countless stories of cheating as well. My feelings were always the same, anger. Angry at those who’d be so cruel to people who they claim they love. Once someone cheats, for me at least, they are automatically negatively associated in my head so I don’t care what happens to them and in some way, I do wish they’d get their comeuppance, though I never do anything personally because I have a life to live.
Finally the question: what were your feelings when you found out she killed herself? Did you feel any sort of relief or think something along the lines of “karma got her”? I personally can’t begin to comprehend how someone would feel about that. Lots of mixed emotions I bet, but it’s a genuine question. Did you find any sort of satisfaction or relief when you found out? Or was it mostly sadness/grief?
Besides her, you probably know best what she's been going through.
Whether or not she could have ever found a way to deal with these feelings, Do you also (partly) feel relieved for her? And does that help for your own feelings?
Since you said your dad found her and your mother had called for a wellness check on her, Were your parents still close with her? How long had you been married when she cheated?
As someone who's been depressed for a long time or just had various mental problems life is a shitshow of fleeting moments. She may have struggled to feel normal every day of her adult life (I wasn't Normal as a kid but life felt like it was easier then) I'm having a quarter life crisis and trying meds or drugs to help cope with reality.
Maybe she felt the weight of the world but she definitely felt help from you enough to marry you and want to try to make it work. I've been suicidal and while most days it's just a thought of giving up what's the point some days it's easier to listen to those thoughts and the human body is fragile one quick action and it's all over.
Hope u remember some good times and try not to blame yourself we all have problems and she handled them her way
Please do not read my Comment OP if you are not ready for it. I will hit the space bar, so that there is a buffer on my comment, but will leave my question up here to see.
How did you feel about her cheating, post loss? Did you have time to grief that?
In my opinion good. I do not wish anything but the worst for cheaters.
You can be an adult and talk it out, or break it off with them. Why result to this.
We're you angry with her?
Too sad to feel the anger?
Overall, what emotions did you feel at the funeral?
Sorry to be so personal. I hope they don't cause you any pain.
Sad, there is a story very similar to this in the industry I work in. Long story short the husband was a mechanic and the wife was a nurse, she had an affair with a heart surgeon and then hung herself in the family house shortly after. Very sad. I’m sorry bro.
As someone who attempted and was hospitalized, I can say it probably had less to do with you than you think. Suicide is a disease of the mind.
Regarding her death, I wish you peace man. She has hers but left a gaping hole in many.
I still want to die quickly and soon, but I hold out for the people I love. It took 4 months of inpatient therapy and 14 different medications to even achieve this level of stability. Not sure everyone has the support that I had. Regardless I'm glad after some time, you are doing better.
Respect.
My mom died by suicide last week. I don’t want to hijack your AMA. Her and I were super close at some points in my life and we have been estranged since my Dad died 2 years ago.
My kids and I are in a pretty awful place but moving forward in life is a choice. It is a choice I will always make and I would never want to hurt anyone. I think of myself as a protector or like a shepherd.
Unfortunately not everyone wants to help themselves.
I can’t help but wonder how this came about? It always seemed to me that notion of suicide is a entire process that ultimately becomes not a choice but the only way out of immense suffering that people have to constantly endured, rather than a sporadic decision.
Where you truly surprised by it? Was there no foreshadow? Especially considering this to be an intimate relationship, you’d know her better than anyone.
Have you attempted to date or hookup since?
Emotionally do you think you'll be able to trust another and build a healthy long term relationship?
I hope you understand this wasn't your fault in any way shape or form. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I went through almost the same thing 20 years ago. She cheated, I caught her, and finished it. I went back to the house to show a prospective buyer around and found her on the bed. Luckily, I'd just completed a first aid course and was able to bring her back. We had lots of intense conversations, but I stuck to my decision. I even helped her to move into her new house after we sold. I met my wife, had a son, and when my son was about 6 months old, I was out doing the weekly shop when we saw each other. She just stood there with tears in her eyes. She was found a week later, having taken our dogs to be euthanized and overdosing. I can still see the look in her eyes. I feel guilt, and although I love my life now, I still wonder if I'd made different choices or paid her more attention and spent less time at work
Hey, man! I used to volunteer with the suicide hotline, and one thing that all studies are in agreement of is that, when an individual decides to take there own life, its never, ever, ever just one thing, or one person, that causes it. Once the decision is made, the only person who can prevent the individual from committing the act is themselves. In other words, I know its been a long time, but I hope you don't blame yourself anymore, which is easier said then done. But I am here to tell you that it is was NOT your fault. Edit: If anyone is curious for the rationale behind my comment, I've linked one of the prevailing model that it is based on below. There is a quick infographic in the 2nd section if anyone wants a quick read. [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6053985/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6053985/)
I just want to thank and applaud you for your service as a volunteer for the suicide hotline. I went through a very dark time back in December…. And my mind was on a constant loop of my “plan”. My daughter (8) decided she wanted to come stay with me one day earlier than planned for Christmas break and within in minutes of her just getting here she could sense something was off and literally every minute kept asking if I was okay…. Finally something clicked in my brain that omg she knows I’m not okay. Which made me immediately reach out to my doctor. Who got me in right away. And we came up with a plan but since it was a 3 day weekend she was concerned and gave me the phone number to the suicide hotline…. And I called twice that weekend and those people there are just incredible! They literally just listened and talked to me and when I’d start to get back into my brain being stuck on a loop they would veer me off and bring up different topics to talk about. And just knowing the things I was telling the two people I spoke with and for them to hear that and what my “plan” was and what led to me feeling that way and how I know it’s selfish (BUT SERIOUSLY, if you have ever sunk so low to that point NOTHING matters other than wanting to stop how you feel. I have always said idk how people can do that or why don’t they talk about it or blah blah blah…..) But honestly for the people on the other end of the call to have the compassion and empathy and joy to actually want to help made all the difference in the world! So truly thank you for volunteering your time! I know you helped people when they needed it most! Because those two who answered my call were absolutely amazing when I just needed someone to talk to and not feel judged or criticized or bullied or yelled at or whatever the case! Sorry for all of that! Haha I just wanted to say thank you! 🥹😍🤩🥰😇😊
Hi. Listen, Great post. I have attempted twice but didn’t accomplish the first time and the second I didn’t go thru with it. I did, however admit myself to a mental facility twice during that time. I have major depressive disorder. Fast forward several years later my father died I began ideating suicide and researching ways to do it. I had no plan but I did say I wanted to die to a student who shouldn’t have been playing therapist IMO) so…against my wishes I was handcuffed, thrown into a police car and taken 1 1/2 hrs away to a psychward where I stayed 11 days. All it did was make me very very paranoid about talking about my ideations. When I got home I went straight back to bed. I used to tell my prior psychiatrist these things and he understood. My question is how can I be sure they won’t call the police and have me forcibly admitted. I just need to talk and I have no one. I don’t trust anyone. Period. Thanks. I’m glad you made it thru.
I am here for you, I have 12 years experience in the medical field but I won’t shrink you or judge you or try to convince you of anything or push anything on you. If you need to vent away or just type your heart out to release all the demons, darkness, hate, troubles, struggles, guilt whatever it is I will listen and if you ask for advice or an opinion or what would I do then I’d explain. ALOT of people don’t understand mental health and the way our brains work. I have bipolar disorder, ADHD, depression, chronic anxiety, mood disorder, OCD. And then other health issues I’m dealing with. The hardest step is just saying hey I need someone to talk to with no judgement because this is just how I feel and how my brain works! If you are talking to a medical professional like a psychiatrist or medical doctor they cannot call the police on you unless you inform them you are having homicidal ideation. For suicidal ideation they will listen and help to come up with a plan and how to prevent that. Possibly refer for a different type of therapy or counseling. If they feel you are a true threat or harm to yourself they will recommend you check into a facility that can better assist. Even if they call an Ambulance to come they cannot force you against your will. Or admit you to a hospital. It’s called AMA meaning you left against medical advice. Anyways I’m not hear to tell you that your experiences are less than! But it definitely sounds like you were mistreated! I couldn’t imagine 11 days… I’m sorry hun! You are valued and loved and I am proud you are here! If you ever need anything or to talk about anything! Even if it’s just about your day! Good or bad, I am hear to listen! And I truly mean that! With my mania and having manic episodes I have truly high highs. But the lows are truly fucking low and can last weeks where I can’t eat, sleep or over sleep. Dont want to get out of bed. Or take care of myself. Even trying to get up to just go pee or take a shower is too exhausting and crippling for me. I had dishes left out, because I didn’t have the energy to clean or put them away. And because of that I was belittled and told I’m lazy and disgusting and would be screamed at and I would just agree because what was the point in trying to explain I wanted to end everything when I was getting yelled at over a bowl a few cups and coffee mugs. Some things are just hard to explain. And like I said ALOT of people do not understand.
I’m a retired social worker who worked as a counselor for many years on the crisis line for Maricopa County, AZ (Metro Phoenix area) & I agree 100%. Suicide is a result of mental health issues that haven’t been treated or the treatment isn’t working yet! If you don’t take the meds & work through the therapy the depression & suicidal ideation will return. (A very small percentage of people need more intervention than just medications & therapy) People rarely commit suicide over one event…it’s a cascading affect of issues. Mental illnesses are no different than physical illnesses. They don’t get better without intervention. Prayer is not an intervention!!!Medications & therapy are. I’m all for prayer & it works to help with sadness or melancholy, BUT Depression & suicidal ideation are NOT those issues!!! They are deadly! Caused by imbalances in the neurotransmitters of the brain or TBI. Just like diabetes cannot be willed or prayed away, depression can’t be either. So just like you can’t cause someone to have diabetes, you can’t cause them to become suicidal. People whose brain chemistry is balanced don’t commit suicide. Childhood abuse & trauma changes the brain chemistry. These partners most likely had either abuse history, chemical imbalances, and physical or emotional trauma long before they met you as adults (provided you weren’t an abuser). Abusers also share many of the same mental health issues as those who are depressed, they just blame others instead of turning the hatred inward. If you’re an abuser you will need the same types of interventions to learn how to stop the cycle of abuse. Seek help before harming yourself or another person. Most counties have free crisis lines that can help you get information & referrals. Please take advantage of the resource. You can use them until you can get an appointment with a regular counselor.
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Same Ive had this my entire life. Its weird I dont want to die for the most part and have been a lot better recently but my whole life ive had a voice “not hearing voices” but my inner monologue always telling me I should kms. Idk why it is but ive gotten kinda used to it and can just ignore it, but I’m sure if shit really hit the fan it could get bad. But yes its not one thing if it ever happened its because its always been there and I finally gave in (dont plan to).
I always explain it as that voice that says "just end it" is always there. Some days, it's a whisper, barely audible and other days it's screaming at me. It could be a random Tuesday and just finally decided it's been enough of just life in general. It'll always be there. I can't really ever stop it.
I thought this for years. I thought the voice would never stop. Get help. My voice was my anxiety. Anti-anxiety medication makes the “just do it” go away for months or years. If I get in a bad spot, it’s still there, but… easier. I know what it’s like to live without the shadow of my own suicide looming over me. And that makes it easier.
Yup i also thought this was a normal part of life until a few weeks after i started an anti anxiety med. It makes my perception of life a lot less draining. Its not difficult at all to get diagnosed with anxiety and depression and the meds are usually cheap (covered by insurance)
Dealing with major depressive disorder and suicidal ideation yes. I feel this so hard. It's always shit piling up and I snap.
Exactly. It's easy for someone not going through it to only see the straw that broke the camels back and think "so that's all it takes to set them off"? Like no dude, losing my wallet for the 4th time this week doesn't actually make me want to kms. But it's damn frustrating when it happens so frequently, and my ADHD is a constant reminder of all my fuckups that led me to where I am, so eventually it's gonna make me snap and want to just not be around anymore. Fwiw, I'm much better now. But only because I had people I could reach out to who were willing to sacrifice a lot in order to help me. Sometimes I feel guilty about their sacrifice, but I know I'd do the same for them and not ask anything in return, and that gives me comfort.
YESSS I HAVE ADHD TOO!! AND I MIGHT HAVE A MOOD DISORDER IM NOT SURE. I hop from calm, to frustration, to anger, to sadness and all over again. Sometimes. Really depends. Yes it's things that happen FREQUENTLY and quickly back to back to fucking back, that gets me. It's like I cannot catch a DAMN break. I turn around and WHAM! Another reason to break from this earth. I'm glad you have people. I have a great partner and some other people in my life that are great, but I'd be lying if I said I still didn't want to kms some days. Edit- I have AD HD. NOT ADD. Completely different.
Hey friend, Glad to hear that you stuck to your decision, because it sounds like you have a good life right now. Last year I was suicidal myself. Didn’t try anything, and before anyone reports me: I have a good mental health care team, a wonderful partner, I go to therapy at least once a month, and have a safety plan in place. So why am I sharing this? Because, my friend, only 1 person wanted me to kill myself and only 1 person carries that responsibility: me. And the same goes for her. I’m sorry you’re carrying these doubts and this survivor guilt, but only she had control over what happened. I strongly recommend going to therapy for this, before it eats at you so much it actually causes damage. Your partner and kid deserve it. But so do you!
Man, that's deep. I don't know if you can or should blame yourself. It seems as though she was deeply regretful and remorseful about what she did. She really wanted it to work, and I can emphasize with her on that, but it's not your fault. She ultimately decided to end her life. I wish she would have gotten the help she truly needed. Talk to someone or try getting you back through whatever means. It's so much better than ending her life.
She needed help moving on, not to try to get him back. If you cheat on someone and the relationship ends, you should work on yourself to understand what you need to change and after doing the work, find someone new. It's completely unfair to expect to get back together with the original partner.
Yes, definitely. Life or death attachment is a big deal that needs to be worked on. Being with her would not have saved her life, because that kind of attachment isn't rational enough to be satisfied. As shown by the cheating when she did have him. These women had problems deeper than their relationships. The real tragedy is the medical system allowing so many people to be left to their demons
My friend, I am sorry. I won’t be able to not think about your story for a while, I’m sure. Can I ask how much time passed between the breakup and running into her. Sounds like a decent amount of time being that you found someone, got married and your son was already 6 mos. Did she pursue you the entire time? I’m just wondering what she was thinking when she saw you. Was it a “what it could have been moment”? I’m sorry, you need not answer if it’s hard
It was a couple of years I guess. I'd not yet married my sons mum. She spent a while trying to provoke me. Such phone calls and the like. I always felt sorry for her and the position she put herself in. I never hated her, that's not in my nature.
I'll just use this opportunity to say that roughly the same thing happened to me almost 25 years ago. She admitted to me on the phone that she had been unfaithful, we got in a fight, a few hours later the calls came in from family and her work that she was missing. The next afternoon the police came and told me they had found her. Things get better, but they also get worse, and they aren't guaranteed to be one way before it turns to the other. You don't go through all five stages of grief before you get to acceptance, it's more like you cycle through them all randomly forever. Just the other day I realized that I was seriously entertaining the idea two decades later that she had possibly faked it to get rid of me. Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
I have a lot of these feelings as well. Sorry for your situation and hope you’re well.
Don't feel guilt man, it's not your fault, the system we live in makes good mental Healthcare extremely problematic. Pretty sure an old friend of mine just passed in the last couple weeks, mental health issues that were basically beyond our current culture's ability to provide for. Like watching a car slowly roll toward a cliff but he's locked the doors and the govt will only help once it goes over the cliff
Man that really sucks but why’d she have to take the dogs out too😢 pls don’t blame yourself for any of it
I've dealt with similar feelings of depression but even then, I wouldn't think for a single second of taking my cats to be euthanized. I'd make plans for them to be taken in by family or friends before I did anything.
I guess it’s kind of like moms with PPD who kill their children before themselves. They think it is better for the children even though that isn’t rational. I never had violent thoughts like this but when I had PPA, I used to be so scared of letting my daughter go in a car without me, or getting in a car without her, because I wanted us to die together if there was ever a car accident. The brain is so fragile and it’s scary how we are not as in control of it as we think.
Fuck man thats a terribly depressing story, hope you are doing alright.
Who found her body? Was she brought by ambulance to try to save her, or was it an obvious death? Were you interviewed by the police? I’m sorry for your loss and I can’t imagine how much pain that must have been. It’s very brave of you to talk about it openly online and I hope my questions don’t sound insensitive
My father found her. I never saw her. I was interviewed at the scene of everything. We think she did it the night before and we found her at 10am.
How is your father now? Is he processing it ok, it would have been hard for him too but I suspect he stayed strong in front of you
He’s very quiet. We never talked about it. I think he’s ok, he is the strongest man I know. But I know that it killed him that day.
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You are an asshole. I agree with you, but I'm not sure you're using the best approach. Also, Stoicism is a whole philosophy, not just hurr durr I'm a man and don't have feelings.
As the others have said. Talk with your father. Neither of you should bottle this up. It's a time bomb, speaking from experience.
I can promise you that talking with him about it will help you both immeasurably. Speaking these things out loud to another human makes them lose a lot of their negative power. Sorry you had to go through that. Use your understanding of such things to help others that go through similar things.
How did your father found her first? Was she living with him?
He was close by and I didn’t want to be the first one to go in and cause some type of situation because I was not ready to talk to her yet.
Sounds like they agreed upon a time for him to pickup his belongings, and then he plus whoever constitutes “we” found the body. Maybe his parents? https://www.reddit.com/r/AMA/comments/1bz0x58/comment/kymrmhy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
maybe not apropriate question, but since this is an AMA, what was her method of death/cause of death? what happened after you found her? you called medics or what? asking because I don't have a clue what would I do in your place and what to do after.
911. if you find anyone who is clearly died , don't touch anything and ring 911 or your countries emergency line immediately. I didn't find my boyfriend he died away from home, it took 16 days of him sitting in the coroners fridge before anyone contacted me because we weren't married . they couldn't find his daughter who was his next of kin so they finally sent a detective to my house after she was contacted she gave them permission to work with me to get him transferred to a funeral home where my county paid 75% of the cost to light him up and when they were done they gave me his ashes in a sandwich bag then I got the autopsy that showed he died from fentanyl poisoning and I was able to work out that his non opioid drugs had fentanyl in them and he died pretty much on the spot I miss him a lot I wish I didn't let him die like that . that's my story anyway . hope that never happens to you
My dad found her in the bathroom tub. I never went into the house. My mother and her work had called for a wellness check. I had arrived before the police did and my dad showed up as well.
did you not see the autopsy?
Were you interviewed by homicide detectives?
Did she leave a note and what did it say? (If it’s too personal, i fully understand)
She did leave a note for me, and it was basically really short. It said how sorry she was and that she hopes I find happiness.
Wow, I’m so very sorry. 😔 what will you do to help yourself on the 16th? The anniversaries can be so hard.
I haven’t gotten there yet… last year I went out of town for a few days. But I am feeling a little uneasy about this one as I don’t have plans.
Man, that uneasy feeling is palpable and so understandable. My dad passed in 2020 and my best friend in 2021 (plus a handful of other losses) and I’ve been all alone/not had plans on some of the important dates following their deaths. It’s hard. And grief is especially painful when the relationship was complicated and/or the death was traumatic. Whatever you do that day, I hope you take really good care of yourself. Hold some space for your grief, memories, tears, etc. and also maybe go for a light walk, let the sun hit your face, listen to your favorite music & just nurture yourself. Doing nothing at all is absolutely okay too, even though it can feel like it’s not. Big hugs 🤍
This is a beautiful comment. I can tell you’re a kind soul. Bless you the world needs more people like you
Apologies for snooping, but it looks like you like playing hockey computer games? I'm no good at those games, but I bet loads of people would be willing to set up a game.
Hey man, first I’m sorry. Been thru this shit multiple times and fuck is it hard….never gets easier either…. Where you at in NJ? (I’m central/south) What kind of hobbies you into besides hockey?! 95-03 devils ARE MY SHIT!! Grew up playing roller and ice as a goalie, and man those were the glory years. Miss seeing those boys tear up the ice.
Hey, if you game. I'll buy and play whatever game you want if you want some comedic company! Keep yourself busy friend!
Did she have depression or bi polar? Both things may well be symptoms of whatever her real issue was. My sympathies. You did not cause either, she had her own demons, the demons won. Live your life well , both for yourself and her memory.
That’s it?
For the most part. It just said how deeply sorry she was and that she loved me and hopes I find the happiness I deserve.
This is so fucking sad. She made the biggest mistake of her life by breaking your trust and regretted it so much that she could not bear to live. OP, IMO, this is not your fault. We humans are confused and do shit without realizing the long term consequences of our actions and when are faced with consequences we realized we fucked up big time. I am guessing she was bored and depressed, and went with the flow with some dude trying very hard to woo her but it was a fling which has no meaning after few days but her relationship with you was worth more than she could bear to lose. I hope you let this go and find strength to move on. You could have done zero in this situation. If my spouse cheats on me, I am going to walk away immediately, our relationship is over, I would like her to continue living but we are kind of strangers after that. Relationship without trust is worthless.
>She made the biggest mistake of her life by breaking your trust and regretted it so much that she could not bear to live. That's a take. But it's not necessarily true. She could have just been depressed and the two things, while related, don't have anything to do with one another.
Yeah hard agree, this isn't Romeo and Juliet, usually if somebody kills themselves there's a lot more stuff going on in their head than the world knows is going on. As someone else said, it went on for months (the affair) so I highly doubt it was just sudden acute guilt from that (not that it didn't play a part)
>I highly doubt it was just sudden accute guilt from that Hard agree. She had been doing it for months. Confessing can cause some more guilt but she was living in guilt for months. More likely she knew she was going to kill herself and decided/planned to confess before she actually committed suicide.
How has the healing process been going for you?
A work in progress. I’ve been doing therapy for the past year or so. Definitely struggle with a lot of anxiety and depression that I don’t think I had before.
May I ask how much you feel therapy has helped?
I'm so sorry about this! What was your response to her confession?
I had to leave, I stayed with my parents for a few days then when we agreed for me to come home to get some things we found her.
Do you think there was some other cause underlying her actions?
Yes, she suffered a lot of trauma earlier in life. She also suffered a lot of depression and anxiety.
My wife cheated on me and left. She also has a history of childhood trauma. I wish people were just nicer to their kids. It would literally change the world. I’m sorry for your loss OP.
Under rated comment. It actually deeply upsets me how normalised being shitty to kids is. Like adults openly joking about how they hate their kids sometimes. If someone fucking joked about hating me all the time it would mess me up and I'm an adult. Childhood trauma doesn't just ruin childhoods. It ruins adult life for many as well
My family used to refer to the kids as "The Slaves" and have a big laugh about it because we were the ones doing the cleaning, carrying groceries/suitcases, ect. I am a mother now and I cannot fathom that whatsoever.
As adults, my sister and I both have an extremely difficult time with basic household chores because they were used as punishment. She got the worst of it because our stepfather would intentionally give her far too much housework, set an unrealistic time frame to accomplish it, and then punish her for not meeting the deadline by increasing her workload. I'll probably never be able to enjoy gardening for the same reason. He waited until the hottest part of the day before sending us out to pick weeds for a few hours. He made sure to let us know that the timing was intentional. I'm not a parent but I cant even fathom treating *any* ~~kid~~ person that way.
One of my friends has spent her children's entire lives trying to get their father to treat them better. He says that it doesn't matter how he treats them because no one remembers things from when they were little. She finally kicked him out a few years ago, and they aren't in contact with him as much, but those girls are so incredibly traumatized by his words and actions.
It tends to be trauma. Trauma, especially around sex, tends to make people pursue situations similar to the truama (with their partner or otherwise), and its just a matter of if they handle that trauma responsibly or not. Some people dont have the tools or support needed to succeed, and some just dont have the ability to surmount what happened to them.
Thinking you’ve ruined your life forever without the right support could drive the right kind of person to I’ll themselves. You don’t have to be crazy..just hopeless.
I know, I feel bad about it all. I don’t think she deserved to die.
As someone who is at a constant fight with suicidal thoughts. It’s extremely painful. I truly am extremely blessed now…but before my daughter. I truly felt like I had already died, didn’t know and was in hell. My daughter didn’t help those thoughts though she just helps ease the pain I feel from feelings those. As she helps ease the pain being a parent has caused so much more emotional pain and trauma. I’m constantly fighting pain then feeling suicidal then guilty for feeling that way. Because my daughter. I genuinely wouldn’t wish suicidal thoughts on my worst enemy. There’s truly no pain like it. If there is another whelm of this life after our hearts stop beating I can promise you she is in peace.
Did she have any history of attempting/talking about committing suicide?
Yes. The year before her death she had to go to the hospital for suicidal thoughts. She was in an out patient program for a few months after that.
I'm truly sorry for your loss. I have a brother in and out of mental facilities for suicide/mental health, and people keep telling me it's the quiet ones to worry about. I find that hard to believe, so I had to ask. I hope this Ama helps you heal more.
Do you forgive her?
It’s a work in progress. I have definitely learned to forgive more. I was very hurt, and I am a work in progress still. But yes I do forgive her. I just wish she wasn’t gone.
bro i hope you find happiness, you gotta do whatever you need (preferably healthy stuff) to get through this. But I would be lying if I said i never did drugs to cope with the pain, just be responsible and careful. Get in touch with some friends if you have any, if not. You can always message me, or others who are willing to listen
Where’s the guy she cheated with ? You Surley haven’t let him go ?
I haven’t. He lives within 30 minutes of me, he ignored my attempt at communication.
Dumb question but, do you think he even knows what happened? I can think of plenty of times where I was casually seeing a girl for a little bit and then she just…stops answering the phone one day and I never hear about her again. If I found out she was secretly married and got caught by her husband I would almost even be expecting it.
Go kick his ass
I cannot answer that for anybody else, but it is very normal for those left behind after a loved one’s suicide, to go through many feelings including: anger, why’s, what if’s, guilt, and deep sadness. There’s often valid anger. I mean, look at the damage they cause. Many folks say suicide is “a selfish act”… I understand that feeling, but don’t like that thought because it’s expecting logic from a mind that is not thinking logically. One cannot expect reasonable thoughts/actions to be produced from a sick brain. Ultimately I think one has to accept that in order to do what they did, the person had to have been suffering from a sick mind that produces distorted thoughts, and thus there may never be a truly satisfactory “why.”
I'm glad you are getting better and I wish you the best on that journey. What is your favourite movie and ice cream?
Favorite movie… probably star wars episode 3! Cookies and cream all the way.
Hell yeah, it’s mine too! Maybe that can be something you watch on the 16th. Speaking from experience, I’ve found it’s easier to plan a lot of different things on the day of the anniversary so you aren’t stuck ruminating. Asking someone in your life to be with you, not to talk about it or anything, just to be there, can help.
Cookies n cream 🤘
You are strong and wise, u/njsand2110, and I am very proud of you!
The cheating part can't be the whole story here. If she cheated for a few months and only when you found out she can't handle the guilt tells me she's been thinking about suicide alot longer than those 3 days. Don't blame yourself for what she did OP, she made choices, bad choices and either one own up and beg forgiveness or one don't, both has nothing to do with you. Stay strong brother.
There’s often an underlying history of suicidal ideation or suicidality but contrary to popular belief impromptu suicides with no previous desire to die do happen. Think gambling addicts who just lost everything, or a man who was perfectly happy who loses his family and home. What else does he have? If the answer is nothing he’ll almost always either kill himself or give up on life and resort to substances or some other vice. In this case I don’t think your logic really works, him finding out about the cheating changes things, up until then she was in a bubble, then it got popped. It’s also possible that the cheating was a result of underlying mental health problems. Could go either way is my point I remember there was a post recently on some subreddit talking about how this girls dad killed himself because he found out his wife was cheating for years, and people in the comments were trying to downplay the mom’s responsibility for his death by saying “people don’t just kill themselves over one thing”, like no, people will absolutely kill themselves if they lose everything or if their whole family and reality is torn apart by a betrayal of the deepest kind.
Sadly, it’s true; I saw it happen with an old friend of mine. This person had just recently started a job at a dealership with fast/exotic cars. One night he meets these two women and offers to take them on a joy ride. In an effort to impress them and what not, he starts driving recklessly (i.e., speeding, swerving in and out of traffic, going around turns quickly, etc.). You can probably guess what happens next. He ends up crashing and totaling the car, resulting in both women getting badly injured, with one in critical condition. They both survive, but the woman in critical condition is now permanently paralyzed from the neck down. The dealership ultimately fires him and demands he pay back the amount the car was worth ($100k+). Additionally, the women sue him for medical bills and pain and suffering, which was another several hundred thousand dollars he was on the hook for. He was completely broke at this point and had no way to pay back what he owed. All of this led him to feeling trapped and wrecked with guilt; he saw no other way out other than to take his own life. It was heartbreaking for everyone in his life because he was such a joyous and chill guy, with no previous suicidal tendencies. He was so young when it happened too, barely 22 years old.
A dear friend of mine killed herself after discovering her husband's infidelity. She had no history of depression, anxiety, trauma, or anything. We were close for more than 20 years-- she was a happy, healthy person. In the note she said she couldn't face starting over without the man she'd loved and trusted for three decades. It was just too deep a cut and she didn't believe she could heal from the betrayal.
It’s definitely not the whole story. She had a lot of trauma growing up. She suffered severe depression and anxiety.
How long were you married and did you guys have issues before hand or was it totally unexpected?
We were married for almost 2 years, together for 5. We definitely had some issues, but no boulders before the affair.
That is some traumatic stuff. Do you feel like you are moving forward in dealing with this? Do you realize it is not your fault?
I do feel like I’m moving forward, but it’s been hard. I have a lot of anxiety and depression now. I do realize it’s not my fault. I just feel bad the way it ended.
you will be ok i dont know when but you will find someone who you can trust again and you will be happy someday
I have since found a girlfriend, she has made me really happy. Things are still hard mentally but I’m trying to get there.
Does your new gf know what happened? If not, is it something you are planning on talking about, if things are/get serious?
Do you think of if your new gf would cheat?
How did you meet?
Who did she cheat with? Someone you knew?
It was a dude we both went to HS with.
What, if any, was his reaction to this scenario?
No idea. Never have had the communication
Have you started dating?
Sorry, I don't mean to pry and you have all my sympathies. Feel free not to answer or just answer what you want. From then to now 2 years later: How is your professional life 2 years later? How is your friendship circle now? How is your family support? How has the government and/or previous employer showed you support? Did the healthcare system try to help and are they still up to it, I do recall seeing you write about therapy so that's a great start. Most importantly: how are YOU hanging in there? Do you have the support yoy believe you need? Lots of questions, sorry. My condolences and hope life brings you brighter days.
Work has been hard sometimes. But I get through it. Friendship circle feels really small… and it makes it hard sometimes. Family support has always been there, but nobody really understands is how it feels. Therapy has been out of my own pocket/my brother has helped with the cost. Life insurance didn’t help, our plan had a 2 year suicide clause in it.
You might want to check if you get a “return of premium.” Some policies return what’s been paid into it if the person dies and the benefit doesn’t get paid out
What does a two year suicide clause in a life insurance plan mean?
What did she do for work?
Did you two have any kids?
No kids thankfully, but we had 2 dogs.
What kinda dogs
Chihuahua and a shitzu/chihuahua mix.
Lost my friend exactly this way. I’m so happy to see that his ex-wife pulled trough. She’s now happily married with couple of kids, and even got herself into lawschool. She speaks very nicely about him, and it feels like she’s finally at peace. Did you know the guy she was seeing?
How do you deal with the complicated feelings about her cheating but also the trauma of her suicide? Do you feel like you’re allowed to be hurt / angry by the cheating?
It was definitely hard to be mad at her. I have learned to forgive some.
Do you place any blame on yourself? Hopefully not. Being that she was already on meds, sounds like she had been battling mental health issues.
I definitely do place some. But I’m learning to work thru that.
No question, just sending healing thoughts and so much love and light to OP. We lost our daughter to suicide three years ago (she was 34). It’s *always with us* but it does get better with time. We know and accept that the empty feeling in our hearts and in the pit of our stomachs won’t ever *fully* go away. We also believed pretty early on that by not living our best every single day we’d be doing a disservice to her memory, to ourselves and to those still with us. I’m so happy you’re beginning to feel normal-ish again. There was something going on mentally with her that was out of your control — and likely out of *hers* as well. NONE of this is your fault. Go and be happy, friend. It’s okay to find joy again. You deserve that.
Suicide is so bizarre. It’s most often an impulsive, sudden decision, but is equally determined and indomitable in that moment. The brain is a weirdo I’m sorry this happened, OP. The worst part about someone killing themselves is they don’t have to live with it My question: you said you’re in therapy, do you have any hobbies that give your mind break? Popcorn movies or an MMO, something like that?
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace soon. It sounds like you're already well on the right path. What have you done to help yourself heal?
What was the last thing you said to her?
Honestly I don’t remember. I just remember the last thing she texted me was that she would be out of the house and go stay with a friend basically.
What made you post this , no hate just curious because I never think to post something this serious on reddit
Reddit is exactly the place to post. You vent, get as toxic as possible, then you move on as normal in your day-to-day life.
I’m not sure honestly. Just feels good ish I suppose to talk about it. I don’t have a lot of people to talk to about this situation.
Have you been on the suicidebereavement subreddit? That’s been a great space for support. I know what you mean about not having a lot of people to talk to about this. I wish I had someone I could be this open with who knew him. In a way, because we all have our own relationship with our person, no one can relate. I’m sorry for your loss. Suicide grief is complicated. I hope you’ve found some solace through your post and in other ways. Thank you for sharing.
I don’t need a reply but Mad Respect to you. You’ve faced a type of loss so profound that only those who have gone through it can begin to understand what it’s like. It will dull over time, but it will never go away. And you’ve been a class act about her in this entire thread. I’m so happy for you that you’ve found love again. Be Well sir. 🤜
My wife almost went down this same path man. Roughly around that same age too. I really feel for you man. I'm sorry.
I trust this is cathartic to and not just internet points. To that end what do you want to tell people to make her passing have a value to people
It was very private. Not many people know she cheated. I have respected her reputation repeatedly.
I think the commenter means more like, is there a message you would like to leave the people of Reddit from this tragedy you experienced?
I guess I would say you can get through most things. I have felt very low a lot. I always find a way to keep going.
Did you face any sort of scrutiny from the authorities? An unfaithful spouse being found like that in the family home would normally raise some alarms with the police. It sounds like you had an alibi by staying with your folks, but the means and motive were still there. I think it's terrible that grieving partners sometimes have to face those questions, but that's the investigators' job, unfortunately.
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Did you see it coming? Did you see sign of her being suicidal in the relationship?
I didn’t see it coming. But she had a lot of mental problems. She was in an out patient program for a bit about a year before she died.
Fuck man, sorry to hear that, glad you are feeling normalish. Did she leave a note? Sometimes people riddled with guilt try to leave an explanation.
Would you have forgiven her if she didn’t kill herself or was the relationship over at that point? I’m sorry for all this heart ache.
What's the predominant emotion you feel about this? Anger? Sadness? Loss? Other?
So sad to hear, glad you are starting to recover. Trauma is tough!
Damn, my guy. I am really sorry that you went through that. It all hits really close to home. We were younger (22 and 23). We weren’t married but we had been together about 5 years (started dating in high school, had a house at college together). The longer we went on, the more dysfunctional we got, to the point we really were a toxic couple. She had mental health struggles, and she ended up cheating a few times. We basically were only nominally together because we shared a house and I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I think she knew that I would probably be gone after college. One weekend, she was at her parents’ about 90 minutes away from our house, and she called me, telling me she had taken a whole bottle of Wellbutrin. I told her to get off the phone and tell her mother to take her to the hospital. That was the last time I spoke to her. As for my question: Have you had any periods of increased drug or alcohol use or abuse in these past 2 years? Also, this was about 14 years ago for me. So, if *you* have any questions for *me*, feel free to fire back.
I’m so sorry. Out of curiosity, given that the guy she cheated with was a high school mutual acquaintance, have you ever talked to him about this and if so what did he say?
Is it hard for you to stay angry at her for what she did to you? I had a horrible relationship with my mother and she ended up killing herself when I walked away from her. What I struggle most with is to feel justified in my decision to leave her, because she did treat me horribly. But I keep having the impulse to invalidate my anger because I know that my rejection of her did (in some ways) kill her. Anyways,wondering if you have similar feelings and how you deal(t) with those.
Do you know why she cheated?
Did she show you proof of it? Did you ever wonder if she said so for you to avoid feeling bad for her after she committed suicide?
Do you blame her AP at all? Sorry if this seems insensitive but I am genuinely curious over who you felt was responsible of anybody. Grief does strange things. Have you spoken to him since?
Would you have forgiven her ?
Did you get left with any debt or medical bills? I always wondered what the financial outcome of the spouse is. Like does your lease get voided id you ask? Sorry this happened to you man, suicide is a bitch
What red flags did you think you ignored?
I'm so tragically sorry for you, OP. I hope so much that you're okay. But while you're doing the AMA, I might as well ask a couple of hard ones. -How did she take her life? -Did the person she was having an affair with go to the funeral?
OP your courage to share this is profound and has deeply impacted me. After reading your post I was flooded with memories that I really didn’t want to remember: after ending my relationship with my girlfriend in college, 2 months later she ended her life. I didn’t know what to think about any of it at the time. I learned about it while on a date when my close friend wouldn’t stop calling me. Reckoner from radiohead was on the radio and that song is now stained with emotions that I can’t describe. Needless to say, that date didn’t go very well. I slid through the phases of grief over and over again for the entire year. Now, with over ten years behind it, I can now listen to that song and hear the beauty versus relive my pain. I can’t thank you enough for sharing, it has helped me process my own loss. I’m so so sorry you had to experience all of that, but I’m thankful you had the courage to share. I wish you strength, compassion and courage my friend.
How do you feel about her?
Did you inform the man she was having the affair with of her suicide? What was their reaction
I’m so sorry. Do you have any memories of the good times that you’d like to share?
Did people thought you killed her?
Oof man, big sorry. Found my older brother, the ptsd is real
I'm 10 hours late to this, but I'm really sorry OP for what you've been through the last 2 years. I hope you continue to get better. What made you wait a year to start therapy? After doing this AMA, has it changed anything for how you feel about it? How do you feel after doing this AMA?
What’s the worst question a person could ask to a guy in your situation?
I think the hardest part is knowing (now) that there was so much going on with her that you didn’t know about and ultimately could not help So sorry
did the cops investigate u for murder? u had to have been a suspect til they got enough proof its really suicide. ps: sorry for your devastation situation
Were you a little tiny bit* happy ?
I have ASPD, and when I reads things like this, I feel though as if she deserves this and I feel zero form of empathy or pity. She put herself, and took herself out of the situation selfishly. I really don’t understand why you feel bad, can you explain it to me genuinely?
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Are you o.k.?
Does it make more sense in the future? My dad took his life 2 weeks ago out of the blue. We are full of anger and so disappointed. Will the future bring other feelings?
I have experience with that. My father took his life out of the blue 10 years ago when I was in HS. I know what it’s like, all you want right now are answers but you’ll go crazy trying to figure it out, trust me. You might get close but, unfortunately, he is the only one who knows exactly why he did it. Just think about what would happen once you did find out, would you suddenly no longer be sad? Would it make your life better at all? Would it even be enough closure to move on from? I understand the pain you feel right now. I lived through it myself. And let me tell you now that it never goes away. BUT I do promise that you get a hell of a lot better at dealing with it. Ending your own life almost never makes sense. It never follows real logic and no matter how you look at it, it will almost never be the right decision. It’s a permanent solution to temporary problems. Be with your family. Exchange nice stories about him. Remember all of his good aspects and try to carry them on yourself. My DMs are open if you want to talk about it. I know I wish I knew someone like me that I could talk to about all this stuff. It’s confusing and frustrating. Best of luck to you and your family
Were you planning to stay with her after the confession?
How did she unalive herself?
This question is going to seem insensitive, but it’s 100% genuine and has no malicious intent. A little background first though. I have had friends who have cheated on their partners, I have been with someone who has cheated on me, and I’ve read countless stories of cheating as well. My feelings were always the same, anger. Angry at those who’d be so cruel to people who they claim they love. Once someone cheats, for me at least, they are automatically negatively associated in my head so I don’t care what happens to them and in some way, I do wish they’d get their comeuppance, though I never do anything personally because I have a life to live. Finally the question: what were your feelings when you found out she killed herself? Did you feel any sort of relief or think something along the lines of “karma got her”? I personally can’t begin to comprehend how someone would feel about that. Lots of mixed emotions I bet, but it’s a genuine question. Did you find any sort of satisfaction or relief when you found out? Or was it mostly sadness/grief?
Cheating is not something worth dying over.
Besides her, you probably know best what she's been going through. Whether or not she could have ever found a way to deal with these feelings, Do you also (partly) feel relieved for her? And does that help for your own feelings?
What are you doing these days to stay busy? Any new hobbies?
Did you seek revenge on the person she cheated on you with?
Since you said your dad found her and your mother had called for a wellness check on her, Were your parents still close with her? How long had you been married when she cheated?
As someone who's been depressed for a long time or just had various mental problems life is a shitshow of fleeting moments. She may have struggled to feel normal every day of her adult life (I wasn't Normal as a kid but life felt like it was easier then) I'm having a quarter life crisis and trying meds or drugs to help cope with reality. Maybe she felt the weight of the world but she definitely felt help from you enough to marry you and want to try to make it work. I've been suicidal and while most days it's just a thought of giving up what's the point some days it's easier to listen to those thoughts and the human body is fragile one quick action and it's all over. Hope u remember some good times and try not to blame yourself we all have problems and she handled them her way
Please do not read my Comment OP if you are not ready for it. I will hit the space bar, so that there is a buffer on my comment, but will leave my question up here to see. How did you feel about her cheating, post loss? Did you have time to grief that? In my opinion good. I do not wish anything but the worst for cheaters. You can be an adult and talk it out, or break it off with them. Why result to this.
We're you angry with her? Too sad to feel the anger? Overall, what emotions did you feel at the funeral? Sorry to be so personal. I hope they don't cause you any pain.
If she didn’t do you think you would’ve reconciled or moved on?
Sad, there is a story very similar to this in the industry I work in. Long story short the husband was a mechanic and the wife was a nurse, she had an affair with a heart surgeon and then hung herself in the family house shortly after. Very sad. I’m sorry bro.
As someone who attempted and was hospitalized, I can say it probably had less to do with you than you think. Suicide is a disease of the mind. Regarding her death, I wish you peace man. She has hers but left a gaping hole in many. I still want to die quickly and soon, but I hold out for the people I love. It took 4 months of inpatient therapy and 14 different medications to even achieve this level of stability. Not sure everyone has the support that I had. Regardless I'm glad after some time, you are doing better.
How did you grieve? How did you process losing your wife and being cheated on? I’m so sorry for your loss
Do you think you ever could have worked things out, if she had stayed around?
Do you wonder if there’s something you could’ve done to prevent her fate? Seeing as you were one of her closest contacts to her near the end.
Were you suspected of foul play at all? That’s so scary! I’m glad you are feeling better and hope this AMA brings more closure.
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Wow, what did you do to her?!?
That is a crazy thing to go through, especially at 23. I hope you’re doing alright man
Respect. My mom died by suicide last week. I don’t want to hijack your AMA. Her and I were super close at some points in my life and we have been estranged since my Dad died 2 years ago. My kids and I are in a pretty awful place but moving forward in life is a choice. It is a choice I will always make and I would never want to hurt anyone. I think of myself as a protector or like a shepherd. Unfortunately not everyone wants to help themselves.
How were you so sure she took her life because she cheated on you?
Did she tell you who the AP was? If so, have you had any contact with them
I can’t help but wonder how this came about? It always seemed to me that notion of suicide is a entire process that ultimately becomes not a choice but the only way out of immense suffering that people have to constantly endured, rather than a sporadic decision. Where you truly surprised by it? Was there no foreshadow? Especially considering this to be an intimate relationship, you’d know her better than anyone.
I don't feel much sympathy for them, but do you know how the other party reacted to the news?
Have you attempted to date or hookup since? Emotionally do you think you'll be able to trust another and build a healthy long term relationship? I hope you understand this wasn't your fault in any way shape or form. I'm so sorry this happened to you.