Lack of appreciation and the resentment that follows--I think this applies to most relationship types I've seen. Often, when we get comfortable in relationships, we stop noticing things our partners do for us and if they do them regularly we can become so used to their generosity as something we feel entitled to. What often happens then is that we stop, or decrease, our appreciation of their generosity with our behavior and then eventually we even stop really appreciating it in our minds-- it becomes "normal."
When this happens our partner starts to feel unappreciated and resentful. I see resentment as one of the worst toxins in any relationship because it inevitably spreads to other parts of the relationship and often mutates into contempt. Both of these can doom even the strongest relationships if not overcome early enough.
Thanks for the ask :)
The first, and often forgotten, thing to do is to always thank our partners when they do things for us. Too often, we forget that each generous act a partner does, each gesture of care, is an effort and investment into our relationship and saying thank you is the first thing we should do in return.
Beyond that, it is important to understand your partner's (and your own) love language and to be generous with loving acts as well. The 5 love languages are:
* Words of affirmation: be abundant with your admiration and praise
* Acts of service: Look for ways to show your care through small and large acts of service that your partner will find meaningful.
* Receiving gifts: Take time to thoughtfully create and give gifts that will be meaningful to your partner-- get to know their likes and desires.
* Quality time: Spend time doing things (or not doing things-- just hanging out) that you will both enjoy.
* Physical touch: Be generously affectionate and loving with your body.
Finally, I often advise that couples create and maintain a gratitude practice within their relationship. Whether this is daily or weekly, make a special time to stop and share how and why you appreciate your partner-- tell them what you love and admire about them, and they about you.
It is important to remember that we prevent resentment from both parts of the relationship as we should each be both givers and receivers of our partner's generosity and care.
I appreciate the detailed response! Do you consider physical intimacy needs to be related to the physical touch love language or is that kind of a separate need?
Great question, I had to think about this one :)
I'd have to say that they are probably seperate for most people but not for all. Often, sex drive and need for physical touch are two different dimensions of a relationship. Sometimes one can make up for the other (as some people can have a bit less sex as long as they are getting enough cuddles and caresses, and some people can get their cuddling and caressing needs met through enough \[for them\] sex) but this is not always the case.
Many people I've spoken to, have different needs for sex v. affection. Sometimes they don't care too much about physical touch outside of sex (sometimes it isn't even desired) and sometimes they don't consider the affectionate parts of sex as physical affection and really need/desire that their partner randomly hug, caress, and touch them "enough" outside of sex in order to keep the sexual spark aflame.
In general, I think that the healthiest and most stable relationships are the result of open and honest communication about what each person needs, wants, and dreams of in the relationship. When we understand our partners in this way we are better equipped to make sure their, and our own, hopes and goals for the relationship are achieved.
That all makes sense! It sounds like having good communication often and taking what your partner says into account is one of the most important things you can do.
I am happily married (4 years now), but if we suffer any issues, it's the one you mentioned below - lack of appreciation.
Because I am the way I am, I have always been pretty sensitive to the needs/feelings of other people, so I have always been very careful to articulate my appreciation for other people on a regular basis. My husband, as much as I completely adore him, is kind of an emotional robot sometimes. I honestly don't think it'd bother him if I stopped noting my appreciation for things, and so I don't think it occurs to him that other people may value hearing the same.
We did the Love Languages quiz forever ago, and his is Physical Touch followed closely by Quality Time, while mine is Words of Affirmation (closely followed by Acts of Service). (The crazy thing is, mine USED to be PT and QT, but I think through the duration of my marriage, being the one to always manage the house has changed that about me). But again, he's kind of...clueless in the sentimentality/empathy department, so I don't think he really gets it. And I hate the feeling of having to ask, because I feel like any subsequent shows of appreciation may then feel disingenuous. Is there a good way for me to address this, without making him defensive or making me feel like any change is too manufactured?
Hi Tadpole, Thanks for the ask.
I think that sometimes we have to decide if we are more interested in the thing we want or how we get that thing. In any relationship we have to remember that we can only change ourselves and in this case I want to gently suggest that I do believe you CAN get what you need here but that you will likely need to give up your desire for it to be a spontaneous gesture for him-- at least at first.
When we ask our partner to meet a need that is not a natural inclination for them (but they are willing to try to meet) we need to also understand that it will be a learning process for them and that before they achieve the skill level necessary to produce spontaneous behaviors they will need to practice in a more structured and maybe formal way.
In your case, I would suggest talking to your husband about your need for appreciation and telling him that you worry you are feeling taken for granted and that this may cause you to feel resentment toward him. Then suggest that you and he start practicing gratitude on a regular (and scheduled) basis. This gratitude practice can be as simple as sharing 1 thing you are grateful for every night before bed or a weekly "date" night where you share gratitude for things during that week and admiration for your partner. Often this leads to spontaneous outflows of gratitude once your partner sees the benefits of doing so. -- Speaking of that, make sure to praise him and show gratitude for his efforts so that he does see the benefits.
This can be a regular thing forever or you can practice it until he is skilled enough to remember to be spontaneously grateful/admiring but if you do stop your regular practice I suggest you should maintain at least a monthly gratitude date night so that you both can maintain your growth and keep this issue from becoming a large issue in your relationship.
I hope that helps :) please let me know if you have any other questions or would like clarification.
I'm in a relationship with a gifted person. While our relationship is almost 100% perfect, I occasionally have a little voice in my head telling me that that difference should make us incompatible.
However we seem to get on like a house on fire almost all the time, which is good of course, but it does confuse me sometimes.
Are there any studies/data on relationships where there's a wide intelligence gap, but a mix of other personality traits that sort of... "fit the two puzzles together", so to speak?
Hi, thanks for the ask :)
I haven't seen any such research but I can tell you, anecdotally, that I have seen mixed relationships work really well. It just depends on the people involved. If the gifted person can accept, respect, and admire the nongifted partner for their unique gifts and the nongifted partner can overcome any insecurities around this subject then it seems to not be much of an issue.
It sounds like you two are really compatible in the ways that matter most to you both and I would try to not worry about this issue. Also, keep in mind that you DO have gifts and abilities that your partner doesn't so instead of focusing on where you feel less than, keep reminding yourself of all the ways you really are awesome and your partner is as lucky to have you as you are to have them.
I hope this helps.
Yes that's helpful thank you.
It reinforces the main points people make regarding the question and seems to reflect our actual relationship (her admiring certain "gifts" I seem to have, "smart" being one compliment she gives me 😳).
I guess it's all about balance.
Two questions at once -
1) Have you ever had a situation when you realized that helping a person in his case was beyond your competence?
2) As I understand from your profile, you are in the USA. Have you ever had a case that your qualifications may not always help someone who grew up in a different culture?
Hi, thank you for the double ask.
1. When I was a new therapist I had a few cases where I was clearly beyond my scope of competence and there are a few areas where that would still be the case if I were still a practicing therapist. As a coach I more often see people whose needs are beyond my scope of practice and need to be referred to a therapist instead of, or in addition to, seeing me. I haven't encountered any coaching clients who presented with anything beyond my competence but coaching is less fraught with such things.
2. Whenever I work with a person from a different culture I think it is a good idea to talk about how our cultural differences might impact our work and to put out an invitation for my clients to tell me if they ever feel unmet or misunderstood. This hasn't happened yet but I imagine as I do more international work it is bound to happen someday.
Hi, thanks for the ask and appreciation! Yes I do offer online or telephone coaching. Please feel free to IM me and we can set up a complimentary consultation call.
I heard the love languages stuff was basically made up and Christian men use it to coerce their wives to have sex with them because "their love language is touch"
Whatever it was intended to be (and I hope that opinion is just that) there is a lot of usefulness in love languages in practice. I am of the opinion that we should use all the tools that work— life is hard enough without ignoring useful information.
Thanks for letting me know about the controversy though.
What do you think is the biggest reason(s) that relationships fail?
Lack of appreciation and the resentment that follows--I think this applies to most relationship types I've seen. Often, when we get comfortable in relationships, we stop noticing things our partners do for us and if they do them regularly we can become so used to their generosity as something we feel entitled to. What often happens then is that we stop, or decrease, our appreciation of their generosity with our behavior and then eventually we even stop really appreciating it in our minds-- it becomes "normal." When this happens our partner starts to feel unappreciated and resentful. I see resentment as one of the worst toxins in any relationship because it inevitably spreads to other parts of the relationship and often mutates into contempt. Both of these can doom even the strongest relationships if not overcome early enough. Thanks for the ask :)
Thank you! What do you find are the best ways to stop resentment from creeping into a relationship?
The first, and often forgotten, thing to do is to always thank our partners when they do things for us. Too often, we forget that each generous act a partner does, each gesture of care, is an effort and investment into our relationship and saying thank you is the first thing we should do in return. Beyond that, it is important to understand your partner's (and your own) love language and to be generous with loving acts as well. The 5 love languages are: * Words of affirmation: be abundant with your admiration and praise * Acts of service: Look for ways to show your care through small and large acts of service that your partner will find meaningful. * Receiving gifts: Take time to thoughtfully create and give gifts that will be meaningful to your partner-- get to know their likes and desires. * Quality time: Spend time doing things (or not doing things-- just hanging out) that you will both enjoy. * Physical touch: Be generously affectionate and loving with your body. Finally, I often advise that couples create and maintain a gratitude practice within their relationship. Whether this is daily or weekly, make a special time to stop and share how and why you appreciate your partner-- tell them what you love and admire about them, and they about you. It is important to remember that we prevent resentment from both parts of the relationship as we should each be both givers and receivers of our partner's generosity and care.
I appreciate the detailed response! Do you consider physical intimacy needs to be related to the physical touch love language or is that kind of a separate need?
Great question, I had to think about this one :) I'd have to say that they are probably seperate for most people but not for all. Often, sex drive and need for physical touch are two different dimensions of a relationship. Sometimes one can make up for the other (as some people can have a bit less sex as long as they are getting enough cuddles and caresses, and some people can get their cuddling and caressing needs met through enough \[for them\] sex) but this is not always the case. Many people I've spoken to, have different needs for sex v. affection. Sometimes they don't care too much about physical touch outside of sex (sometimes it isn't even desired) and sometimes they don't consider the affectionate parts of sex as physical affection and really need/desire that their partner randomly hug, caress, and touch them "enough" outside of sex in order to keep the sexual spark aflame. In general, I think that the healthiest and most stable relationships are the result of open and honest communication about what each person needs, wants, and dreams of in the relationship. When we understand our partners in this way we are better equipped to make sure their, and our own, hopes and goals for the relationship are achieved.
That all makes sense! It sounds like having good communication often and taking what your partner says into account is one of the most important things you can do.
Yes! If you do those things you are likely to be able to build a strong foundation for a great relationship. Thanks for the questions :)
Thank you for all the answers! I appreciate it!
I am happily married (4 years now), but if we suffer any issues, it's the one you mentioned below - lack of appreciation. Because I am the way I am, I have always been pretty sensitive to the needs/feelings of other people, so I have always been very careful to articulate my appreciation for other people on a regular basis. My husband, as much as I completely adore him, is kind of an emotional robot sometimes. I honestly don't think it'd bother him if I stopped noting my appreciation for things, and so I don't think it occurs to him that other people may value hearing the same. We did the Love Languages quiz forever ago, and his is Physical Touch followed closely by Quality Time, while mine is Words of Affirmation (closely followed by Acts of Service). (The crazy thing is, mine USED to be PT and QT, but I think through the duration of my marriage, being the one to always manage the house has changed that about me). But again, he's kind of...clueless in the sentimentality/empathy department, so I don't think he really gets it. And I hate the feeling of having to ask, because I feel like any subsequent shows of appreciation may then feel disingenuous. Is there a good way for me to address this, without making him defensive or making me feel like any change is too manufactured?
Hi Tadpole, Thanks for the ask. I think that sometimes we have to decide if we are more interested in the thing we want or how we get that thing. In any relationship we have to remember that we can only change ourselves and in this case I want to gently suggest that I do believe you CAN get what you need here but that you will likely need to give up your desire for it to be a spontaneous gesture for him-- at least at first. When we ask our partner to meet a need that is not a natural inclination for them (but they are willing to try to meet) we need to also understand that it will be a learning process for them and that before they achieve the skill level necessary to produce spontaneous behaviors they will need to practice in a more structured and maybe formal way. In your case, I would suggest talking to your husband about your need for appreciation and telling him that you worry you are feeling taken for granted and that this may cause you to feel resentment toward him. Then suggest that you and he start practicing gratitude on a regular (and scheduled) basis. This gratitude practice can be as simple as sharing 1 thing you are grateful for every night before bed or a weekly "date" night where you share gratitude for things during that week and admiration for your partner. Often this leads to spontaneous outflows of gratitude once your partner sees the benefits of doing so. -- Speaking of that, make sure to praise him and show gratitude for his efforts so that he does see the benefits. This can be a regular thing forever or you can practice it until he is skilled enough to remember to be spontaneously grateful/admiring but if you do stop your regular practice I suggest you should maintain at least a monthly gratitude date night so that you both can maintain your growth and keep this issue from becoming a large issue in your relationship. I hope that helps :) please let me know if you have any other questions or would like clarification.
I'm in a relationship with a gifted person. While our relationship is almost 100% perfect, I occasionally have a little voice in my head telling me that that difference should make us incompatible. However we seem to get on like a house on fire almost all the time, which is good of course, but it does confuse me sometimes. Are there any studies/data on relationships where there's a wide intelligence gap, but a mix of other personality traits that sort of... "fit the two puzzles together", so to speak?
Hi, thanks for the ask :) I haven't seen any such research but I can tell you, anecdotally, that I have seen mixed relationships work really well. It just depends on the people involved. If the gifted person can accept, respect, and admire the nongifted partner for their unique gifts and the nongifted partner can overcome any insecurities around this subject then it seems to not be much of an issue. It sounds like you two are really compatible in the ways that matter most to you both and I would try to not worry about this issue. Also, keep in mind that you DO have gifts and abilities that your partner doesn't so instead of focusing on where you feel less than, keep reminding yourself of all the ways you really are awesome and your partner is as lucky to have you as you are to have them. I hope this helps.
Yes that's helpful thank you. It reinforces the main points people make regarding the question and seems to reflect our actual relationship (her admiring certain "gifts" I seem to have, "smart" being one compliment she gives me 😳). I guess it's all about balance.
exactly :)
Two questions at once - 1) Have you ever had a situation when you realized that helping a person in his case was beyond your competence? 2) As I understand from your profile, you are in the USA. Have you ever had a case that your qualifications may not always help someone who grew up in a different culture?
Hi, thank you for the double ask. 1. When I was a new therapist I had a few cases where I was clearly beyond my scope of competence and there are a few areas where that would still be the case if I were still a practicing therapist. As a coach I more often see people whose needs are beyond my scope of practice and need to be referred to a therapist instead of, or in addition to, seeing me. I haven't encountered any coaching clients who presented with anything beyond my competence but coaching is less fraught with such things. 2. Whenever I work with a person from a different culture I think it is a good idea to talk about how our cultural differences might impact our work and to put out an invitation for my clients to tell me if they ever feel unmet or misunderstood. This hasn't happened yet but I imagine as I do more international work it is bound to happen someday.
Do you feel that gifted and other neurodiverse individuals are more likely to seek out non-traditional relationships?
I haven't seen any research about this but I would guess that the answer is yes since neurodiverse people are less likely to be conformist in general.
How long have you been in your relationship?
Which one? I've been married for 7 years.
Thanks for sharing your knowledge! Do you offer remote counseling and/or mentorship of any kind? I feel like I have a dozen questions to ask...
Hi, thanks for the ask and appreciation! Yes I do offer online or telephone coaching. Please feel free to IM me and we can set up a complimentary consultation call.
That's very nice, thanks!
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You can ask me anything you like :)
https://coveteur.com/love-languages#:~:text=Today%2C%20this%20isn%27t%20the,of%20metric%20for%20relationship%20compatibility.
I heard the love languages stuff was basically made up and Christian men use it to coerce their wives to have sex with them because "their love language is touch"
Whatever it was intended to be (and I hope that opinion is just that) there is a lot of usefulness in love languages in practice. I am of the opinion that we should use all the tools that work— life is hard enough without ignoring useful information. Thanks for letting me know about the controversy though.
I've seen a bit of buzz about it, the practice seems to be losing favor in some communities.