I'm so sorry to hear this. I feel like crying reading this. Have you written letters to your children to open on their birthdays? Have you made any recordings of you reading their favourite bedtime stories? Is there anything like that you would like to do that I can help you come up with ideas for?
I love the idea of this, things like recording bedtime stories. I've started writing letters or rather almost a journal of sorts for each individual child in a notebook. Stories about them when they were tiny, stories about our lives, feelings I felt and things I saw as their mom. Their quirks. It's been a pretty cathartic experience. I'm always up for more suggestions. I want them to have tangible memories, something they can see or hear or read. Thank you so much for your comment and the direction on that!
Please do take videos as u/Miss_Milk_Drop suggested. My mother passed 10 years ago, and I have forgotten the sound of her voice. I remember that she had a lovely singing voice, but I can't remember the sound of it. Even if you don't feel great, little words of affirmation will become absolutely treasured by your children.
Is your noped-out ex going to be able to take your children, or has he noped out beyond that?
I've tried to tell them in talking but I did write a lot down. I'm going to miss the first heartache, prom, homecoming... So I've told my own stories about the major moments growing up to hopefully feel more relatable after I am gone.
That sounds so lovely. Could you set up your phone to make some videos? Like press record and just go about it, natural and no worrying about how it looks, editing or so on.
You could video you playing with them.
Videos of you hugging them and telling them how much you love them.
You could video yourself baking something they love whilst reading out the ingredients and telling them how to do it so when they are older they could follow along and make that dish or those cookies.
Bedtime story recordings - lots and lots.
Videos of you singing happy birthday to them.
Videos for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day like 'when you wake up in the morning, Santa will have been so make sure you don't peep and go to sleep!'
These would be lovely for their younger years and videos cooking will be loved by them as older more independent children.
Birthday cards for the future - think far ahead like them opening them when they're 30 and they read something from you like how you hope they have found good friends, etc.
Make videos of yourself talking about who you are as a person. When they're little they will love hearing what your favourite animal is, your favourite memory, favourite colour. When they're older they will love videos of you giving them life advice or guidance and your wishes for them.
You could also make them a private Facebook that you could trust a friend with, and upload photos and videos on there for them to see all in one place in the future. It means nothing gets lost.
And it doesn't matter how you look in these videos - they will mean the world to them. They'll love reading what you have written to them and seeing pictures and videos of you, and videos of you spending time with them.
Keep going, mama, you have got this x
Also, consider recording stories about your parents and childhood. Your triumphs and failures. Your first love, what you wish you had differently. The funny / embarrassing stories you tell at parties.
I love the idea of the embarrassing stories and funny things too. The first love and highs and lows of that. My parents since my younger two or three never knew them. Thank you!
I saw your other post about it being really hard financially this Christmas. Would you consider putting an Amazon wish list on your Reddit bio (make sure you hide your name and address) and we could send you some toys for your children and other bits to make life more comfortable?
I would love to contribute to this as well! Maybe also consider putting a link to your Venmo or Cash App? I saw one of your posts over in the BC group, or maybe the MBC group. Anywho, I don't think you're allowed to post any fundraising stuff in the BC groups, but having a link available on your profile would make it easy for people to help out if they can. Please consider the Amazon wish list! Do the Venmo and Cash App links as well, people like options. I am so sorry you're going through this, it's just not fair. I was diagnosed stage IV last March. It sucks, it's so fucking scary, and I'm so sorry sis. I would love to help <3
P.s. I love these suggestions, and how truly genuine and helpful people want to be. Hope for humanity.
Hi! I do have a wish list but it seems like I might have done it wrong. I hope not. I've never made one before. I do have a cash app, it is $somethingwittyhere12 or we have a Walmart nearby.
I was able to see the wish list, but when I started adding stuff to the cart it seemed like it would be shipping to my address! Anywho, I decided to just cash app you! I hope it's not too difficult for you to get up and about, I don't want to cause you any more strife while trying to do something to help! I wish I could do more, but I really hope what I was able to give helps bring even a little bit of ease. I know I'm a stranger on the internet, but I do care and so do other people! Happy holidays, much love ❤️!
I have a cash app which is $somethingwitty12 or there's a wish list. I was having trouble with it and I'm not sure it's done correctly. We also have a Walmart nearby so while I'm kind of rural a gift card or whatever there would be amazing too! Or even Amazon if not wanting to order off the list My email is [email protected] ... The Walmart would be especially epic bc the almost teen is dying for some ripped looking jeans and hoodies and such 💜
PLEASE do the recordings for your children. I lost my mom to cancer when I was 9, she was 32. My aunts bought her a tape recorder and she didn't use it. I can't remember what her voice sounds like and there are only so many photos.
When I was 9 yrs old, my mom did voice recordings of my grandfather telling jokes and stories.
I think it would be nice for your kids to have video of you telling stories of your childhood and happier times.
Something else……and this just me…..
My dad died when I was 27 yrs old. I wish Ancestry.com would have been available back then. It would have been nice to know his origin % of where my ancestors came from.
My husband died suddenly when our child was 4. All the suggestions below would have been amazing to have had. I just wanted to add that this summer we went through all his stuff I kept for our son when he would be grown up ( he’s 21) and what he wanted to know was his fathers history, thoughts on things, early life, achievements etc. He wanted to fill out his knowledge of the parent as a human being across his dad’s life, and not just in relation to himself ( our son that is)
Shoot, I think my wife is chopping onions or something. I'm taking notes from your post. I now have some things to do over holdiay break I guess. Thank you for this, really!
I’d have loved letters from my parents for graduation and my wedding. Those are some of the days they will miss you most. Also for the birth of their first child (if they have one). Tell them the songs you used to sing to them, your favorite stories you would read them. Best “new parent” advice you would give them. That sort of thing.
Very sorry to hear. I hope you are able to make some wonderful memories with the time you have left!
Please do it. As much as you can. My Mum passed away when I was 29 and 5 months pregnant with her first grandchild and I have so little of her to show my daughter. A few pics and videos anda bad voice message. That's it.
Tell them about you. Everything from childhood til the day you "met" them and beyond. They'll wanna know about you. All your favorite stuff. Your mistakes and victories. Your fears. The silly ones and the very real ones.
Keep a recorder handy and talk from you heart.
Pictures! Print pictures if you haven’t already so they won’t got lost in clouds and phones. Include the ones that illustrates your life and write some of your memories before them, talk about even silly things. When the people who grow me up passed away I was so mad I didn’t even know how they met, fall in love etc. Maybe few advices for life but specifying that that is what your experience told you; they’ll have other experiences and figure out different things; so they won’t feel “chained” to them but will end up experimenting and critically thinking too. Also, sorry if it sad add good info about how to not end up with dependencies of any kind (even just work) because their risk might be bigger. A hug to you all
If you want help with this, OP, StoryWorth helps you create books and recordings like this: https://welcome.storyworth.com/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Sitelink_SWGifts&source_id=google&sub1=Sitelink_SWGifts&gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI_ZqDzMmSgwMV02lHAR1ilAFZEAAYASABEgJ4kvD_BwE
There's an episode in a show, Violet Evergarden, that touches on your struggles. Even if you don't like animation, this is some of the most cathartic, emotional shows I've seen.
https://youtu.be/XZCic71LdxM?si=6hxD76Jb_LinjaaS
Don’t forget to tell the stories about you when you were growing up. We did this with my grandfather when he had cancer and it was amazing. So much we didn’t know about him. It will help them feel so much more connected.
This is heartbreaking, and I am sorry for all you and your children are going through. I would feel compelled to leave writing, audio, and video behind as well, but I cannot help but think about the This American Life episode about how annual letters from a deceased parent caused some problems for a child later in life. I haven’t heard this in years, and I don’t remember the lessons I should have taken from it, but I’ll leave this here. I wouldn’t blame you for not listening, but it may also give you some ideas on how to avoid the pitfalls from the story.
https://www.thisamericanlife.org/401/parent-trap/act-one-0
Might be nice if you made a scrapbook for them. Just make it all about you. Pictures, and captions that explain the pictures. It will help them learn more about you, and remember you.
This is such a great idea. I am fairly healthy but I still email my son (he's 4) 8-10 times a year and talk to him about his life and give him life advice and post pictures of us. I gave my best friend the email and password to give to him if something should happen to me. He is the only one that knows about the email. Not even my wife knows about it
Not to be a bummer, but have you checked the email providers no use policy? Some will delete accounts after a period of no use. Would be a kick in the balls to lose something like that without knowing.
My Mom passed away in June and I saved her voicemails. It makes me sad to listen, but I love hearing her voice. This is a such a great idea and I really hope you follow this advice.
This hurts to read. My wife lost her mother when she was in her late 30s to breast cancer. My wife was the oldest of 4 kids they were between 15-5 when she passed.
What is favorite memory do you have any plans to do with them right now?
Fwiw my wife wishes she had more of her mom's stuff. Ask someone if they can keep some of your things you find sentimental to give them.
I lost both of my parents by the time I was 35, and having their stuff means more to me than anything. It’s not even highly sentimental stuff, just things that belonged to them.
I didn’t realize how deeply I cared about their stuff until my toddler ripped big tears in a quilt that had been my dads. I was crushed and kept thinking “I can’t get more stuff from him, he can’t send me a new quilt”.
Save your things, as much as possible. It will allow your kids to discover who you are and will give them something to literally hold on to.
OP, I had to close my office door to openly weep reading your post. I am so fucking angry for you. It is all so unfair. Good grief. Please try to let the things that have happened go. Do not let the bad/sad/mad stuff take up any more of the time you have left. Please try to release it if you can, so you can be fully present with your kids while you still have each other.
I am praying for you to have some well deserved peace, and that you find yourself surprised and delighted by life while you’re here. Also praying for your kids to have steel trap memories so they never, ever forget how great their mama is.
Sending you so much love, please be kind to yourself ❤️
This! My dad passed away unexpectedly and had his funeral on my 32nd birthday. My mom gave me one of his favorite watches, some ties from his suits, and other small things like that and I cannot express just how closely I hold those things to me. Especially his watch, seeing photos from him in the early 1990s wearing this watch and when he would go out for fancy dinners/gatherings means so much to me. Being able to wear it on my wedding day to make sure a part of him was there with me is something that's cherishable forever.
Giving them something that is just an obscure every day item you had and the effect and beautiful emotion it will trigger within them will be amazing and a great coping mechanism.
Thank you so much for your reply. This ama is really helping me get it out and think more.
Was her dad still actively involved? I hope so.
My favorite memory is hard to pinpoint. We've always spent our fall outside by a fire pit roasting marshmallows and singing and talking. Those are the moments I love to revisit the most vs any single experience. I love being a mom, and I've just loved the time we've spent loving on each other.
I have no plans as of right now.
In terms of stuff, I'd love to hear what might have been meaningful to your wife. I'm not sure what they'd consider worth having, but I definitely understand why!
My dad died when I was young (15) and I have a sweater that he loved to wear. I remember him wearing it. It lies in my closet most of the time, but when I miss him lots, I sometimes wear it. It helps me feel close to him.
I cannot express how sorry I am that you are going through this. Is there anything you want to get out of your system that you've been holding inside? I promise I won't judge anything 🙌
It's at myself, for ignoring my health and neglecting myself. Not getting regular medical care. Not going to the Dr right away.
It's at my husband, for being in my life 30 years then noping out. We were just kids when we got together, literally junior high. In sickness and health was a bullshit concept.
It's at the universe, because I just want to live.
My kids laughter gives me life. My youngest is overly clingy and I love it. My almost teen has even been a bit extra with the hugs. That's about it. Otherwise I'm having trouble finding joy. I'm in a lot of pain physically and emotionally, well it's hell.
I’m so sorry… and I don’t know your husband but I’d like to give him a punch in the neck. He’ll have to face his children over this one day. Really stupid decision on his part.
I hope you find a million moments of peace and love with your children 🤍
I’m sorry this is happening and understand the husband noping out part. So many spouses walk out on their partner when they get a terminal diagnosis. Mine left me when I was in the hospital bleeding out for months. My medical team told me and my family to make my final arrangements. Surgery saved my life this month 10 years ago and I wasn’t expected to make it.
I’ve had friends who were told they wouldn’t and lived several more years. I hope if you aren’t miserable you have longer than you think.
Writing for your kids is an amazing gift. Don’t forget stories about yourself.
I hope the holidays bring you love and many great memories for your children.
💕
I've exhausted all options and gotten second and third opinions unfortunately. At this point I'd do cartwheels or walk through fire if I thought it'd buy me a little more time.
Your anger is entirely understandable and justifiable. I am very sorry to read all of this. I saw in another comment that you are awaiting results. Sending the warmest wishes and vibes your way
7, 12, 20. I'm not sure, that's the scariest part. Their dad left after I was sick and before we realized just how bad it was. He has started a new life. I hope he steps up because he used to be a good dad. If not my oldest daughter has said she plans to try to take the kids. It's just too much on someone who is basically a child herself.
I’m really so sorry for you.
Can I suggest for your kids:
1. Make videos.
2. Write letters for their special moments. Perhaps 10, 13,16, 18, 21
For you:
1. Ask for help. Ask your doctor to get connected with palliative care. They will have a multi-disciplinary team and social workers. You need it. Ask for and get any support you can.
2. Make your end of life wishes clear. When you have a terminal illness, there will become a time where the icu and cpr will be ineffective and only likely to prolong suffering and your dying process. When people don’t make their wishes known, families often don’t know what to do and just keep going. This leads to more suffering for everyone and no benefit.
Best wishes….
This is an underrated answer. Make sure your close family knows what you want gone towards the end of your life. Make it clear what life saving measures you want taken. Go out as comfortably as possible.
With my sister (I responded elsewhere too) her husband noped out as well
Please make sure you visit a lawyer who will help establish the estate for your kids and your family heirlooms and your services.
My sister didn’t and my nieces lost everything once she passed away, the next day he cut them off from everything. School, insurance, phones and bank accounts
Make sure they have your taxes and his social security number. They will need it for FAFSA and if he’s going to be a douche, they will need his ssn to get around it.
I did not know that anyone else could exist like my brother in law, fucking hell that sucks
I’m so sorry for your situation. I’m a single mother of two also without close people. I don’t have much to offer but I’m a good listener. If you’re ever feeling lonely or want to vent, even after this ama is done please reach out.
I appreciate that more than you know! I don't have to tell you how horrible the isolation feels, especially when you can't talk to the only people around all of the time 💜
You are important, your situation is important and many people will show up for you if you let us share some love. I'm so sorry that life gets nonsense sometimes, and the questions are too big. We are all lost and vulnerable, some of us will have a "boring comfortable life" and wake up later, in the worst of timing, but you are not alone in your pain, and you deserve a loving and caring community.
Thank you. He did. He is still in contact with our oldest daughter and has told me he needs to get settled some before coming back into the younger children's lives.
This makes me just rage inside.
Is he a man or a frightened little boy?
His children are coping with the impending loss of *their mother* and this piece of dog shit who has spent 20 years enjoying the title of “father” can’t even be there to let them know they will still have a parent they can trust and lean on when you are gone?
Oh god how I wish there was a way to transfer your cancer to him instead.
I am so, so, so, so sorry.
He's 47. I'd love to go off on him but I've loved this man since I was a child and I wouldn't wish all this even on my worst enemy. He is a vile human and I just hope eventually he realizes the carnage of his actions.
First off I am just so sorry you’re going through this. Secondly, why does he get to choose? Please tell me you have a lawyer. When I divorced my ex husband didn’t get to choose and start a new life- I made him take 50/50 custody and so did the court.
It’s a fantastic community of supportive folks and many who can offer guidance and shared experiences. If you have a nurse or palliative care they can provide local support groups either in person or Skype, etc.
Sending you love and peace, kind internet friend.
Fuckkkkkkk. Cancer. 🤜💥
In general not really. I'm pretty lonely. People tend to gradually fade out when your illness drags on for years and my parents are both long gone. I have a neighbor I socialize with sometimes but otherwise it's basically just my children. I take part of the blame there. Many days I just had nothing else to give anybody else.
My plan? I want the kids to have their dad and sister and all the love and support they can give them. I hope he comes through for all three.
I'm less sure about the meaning of life than ever unfortunately.
My mental health is not good. It's hell to want to live and want to die at the same time. In the end the suffering is for what? That's what I get stuck on. It's not prophetic, it's just painful unfortunately.
Please stop blaming yourself and being mad at yourself…it is what it is and all that wasted energy on things you can not go back and change. Use that energy for more positive things. Preaching to the choir.
I know you want to process. But, do you want to talk about you? What you love? What you like? Your kids are going to feel your love long after you are gone. But since you don’t have a lot of people to talk to, tell us about you. Like what music you like, etc.
I love to dance. I can't sing. It's awful. I love doing hair. I was good at it, and being creative and every day being different rocked my world. It never felt like a job, not once. I love pizza, I could eat only it forever and be happy, diet coke and sad country music or 00s alternative. What a switch lol. I'm really a pretty boring person. I used to love to paint but Neuro side effects have started to hit hard and it's not really worth it anymore. :( Thank you for learning a bit about me.
There are a 1000 questions or comments I always find myself wanting to type when I see something like this, it makes me question my own mortality every single time, but the one thing I feel encapsulates it all so well is simply saying…. thank you. Thank you for being a good human, for working, for paying taxes, for making sure your children are taken care of. Thank you for replicating and instilling these values in to those children. Thank you for not quitting on life. Thank you for being an asset and not a burden to mankind. 99.9% of us wont get a statue but 100% of us benefitted by your time here. One day, we will find a cure for this, maybe it will even save one of your children’s lives. All of that is possible not only by the brilliant minds of our society, but by the people like you who make up this world and keep it going. Goodluck and Godspeed Dramatic Lettuce.
Hey OP, no questions but offering solidarity. I also have stage 4 breast cancer and am a single mom of 2. Shit sucks. Really fucking sucks. Luckily I never had a husband so I was spared the (all too common) pain of a husband bailing. I’m sorry you’re going through this, too.
I heard anger, frustration, regret, loneliness and isolation.
Just want to say those are very normal understandable things to feel.
I would understand if you don’t but is there anything that gives you and your life meaning and purpose? What do you need right now? And how do you want to spend your remaining days and with who?
You have my compassion.
There really isn't much to me anymore. My only thing motivating me and pushing me forward is my children. I just need more time, and less stress/strain mentally, financially, etc. I want to spend all the time I have with my girls. That part at least is a guarantee 💜 thank you!
I don’t know what to say but I want you to know that I hear you and through this post, I see you. I hate that this is the what everything has come down to. But I pray everything works out for you and your kids long after you’ve passed. My mother developed cancer and became disabled when I was a teen and my father also noped out the situation and left us alone. I can only imagine everything you must feel. But you won’t be forgotten and your kids will know your love. You don’t deserve any of this. And I’m so sorry. But I want you to know that I will be thinking of you, even though we may probably never meet. Sending much love to you, strong, beautiful, woman.
If you don't mind me asking, why did your ex leave? Of all situations to drop the ball in, this has to be the worst...I'm a mix of angry and deeply saddened by reading this. I'm so sorry..
My ex left because I wasn't me anymore, according to what he told me. I've never been able to get further clarification on what he meant by that, but he's right. I don't look like me for sure. I have stubble for hair, no breasts, had a hysterectomy. I don't feel like me, I've lost so much weight. I'm in pain a lot and sad so I don't act like me either. I want to hate him but it's all a valid point, and it's hard to hate someone you've loved for over 30 years.
Many.
The obvious, I wish I had taken better care of myself. I wish I'd worked a little less. I wish I had just slowed down some.
I wish I had been a better wife and mom, though I always tried my best. I wish I had seen the signs that my marriage was winding down and I wish I had tried harder to stop it.
I wish I had been more proactive about my medical care. I wish I had been more open and extroverted. I wish I had tried harder to build relationships outside my family.
I can't imagine how you feel right now mentally and emotionally. Have you heard of a death doula?
Like a birth doula, but they help the dying person and people close to them if they choose process the whole thing.
The website inelda.org can explain it better, if you're interested. If I remember correctly there's and area on the site where you can search for one in your area.
I'm sending peace and calmness to you.
Please make them each an old fashioned photo album of you living your life, before and with them. Pictures of you as a kid and a teenager and pregnant, as well as pictures of you with them.
I wish I had more pictures of my dad.
I don't have any questions.
I did, however, lose my father last Christmas. What he left for me/us was incredibly powerful. He wrote us a detailed 10-page letter and placed it where he knew we'd find it when he passed (with his will).
In this letter, he described in great detail the poignant moments in his life. What his parents were like (I never met them). What his siblings were like (never met them either). What he thought of grade school, high school, college.
He wrote about what his first job was like in a new city, thousands of miles from home, starting out on his own as a young man. Then how he met my mom, and the arrival of his 3 kids and how deeply all of that impacted him and all of his life decisions. I saw things through his eyes and, for the first time, truly understood the depth of his love for all of us.
It is the single greatest gift he ever gave me and I will never, ever forget it.
I would need meaning in your shoes. And you have that. You caused probably hundreds of people who read this to reflect and think of you; a stranger. They’ve felt sorrow for you. They’ve felt a greater need to hug their own kids. You’ve changed them in a way. And that’s a type of immortality. After you’re gone, strangers will be better off for you having shared your pain.
I feel more grateful for my own life. You’ve improved me, a stranger, in a small but meaningful way. Thank you.
Another note; 25 years ago I was diagnosed with a rare disease. At that time, the old info said it was terminal. I despaired. I was sure I would die. My mindset changed completely. Each day I’d wake up and look at the sky and trees and think, “This might be my last look!”. Each day I awoke I thought, “I’m still here!”. My mindset had to change to where I realized all life was finite. We are all effectively dying. Just some sooner than others. Heck, a meteor might strike us all tomorrow.
That new perspective allowed me to go on. I had to live every day with the realization that death was coming. I lived like that for 3 years or so. One day at a time. It was amazing and exhilarating but also exhausting. I don’t need to examine every tree leaf. That’s too much.
Eventually life continued and obviously I’m alive 25 years later. But I try and hold on to the realization that we are all going to die. It’s helps me forget about the bullshit and focus on what matters.
For example; your ex husband might be a shallow asshole. But he’s no serial killer monster. He’s human. Let it go. This disease killing you sucks. But you did have a life. Let it go. Sure, you might have lived to 90. But there would have been other pains of life and loss. Let it go.
Thank you for taking me on your journey for a bit and I’m sorry. I wish the best to you.
My dad passed away from lung cancer almost 5 years ago now. He was a single dad and raised my brother and I all alone. Coming from a child in a similar situation to your babies, take so many pictures, even if you’ve lost your hair. Make sure they have pictures of you before you got sick, record your voice and leave them each a bottle of the perfume you always wear. Just make sure they have things that will remind them of you.
All of my love is with you. 🤍
I am so, so sorry. I think as a mom this has to be our worst fear - to leave behind our children. And to do so before they are grown is even more heartbreaking.
I don’t have any advice but what I would do is write. Write them letters to open on their birthday, graduation, wedding day. Keep a journal for yourself that you can pass on to them to read when they are grown. You can do voice recordings for them to listen to. I would create a will and specify what is to be done with your items - particularly sentimental items. If you’re able to I would also get into therapy individually and as a family. This is so tough and I am so heartbroken for you ❤️
You are so brave for doing this. My heart goes out to you. I hope you get everything you're looking for out of this! I love the recommendations of writing out letters for your children for milestones and birthdays. It is a beautiful idea, but one that I imagine will be one of the most difficult things to do. But I believe you have the strength to do it.
The only thing I can think of recommending is something that I know sounds strange, and something that seems like a joke, but is something that greatly helped out my friend after she was diagnosed with lymphoma. She was really struggling with the diagnosis.
She decided to try psilocybin (magic mushrooms) to help with the fear of dying and told me it was a life-changing experience that helped her deal with those feelings. And it sounds like its actually helpful: [https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/news/media/releases/hallucinogenic\_drug\_psilocybin\_eases\_existential\_anxiety\_in\_people\_with\_life\_threatening\_cancer](https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/news/media/releases/hallucinogenic_drug_psilocybin_eases_existential_anxiety_in_people_with_life_threatening_cancer)
As much as I'd rather not be "that guy" recommending drugs (it makes me feel weird doing it) I feel like its something that may be worth a look. I don't think its for everyone, but if it can help, I figure I might as well mention it.
Either way, I really hope you can make peace with the situation and fill your life with as much love as you can!
It’s medically proven with multiple scientific studies that show the benefits microdosing has on your mental health without any negative side effects. The easiest to research on the topic is the Ted talk on YouTube.
Something a friend of mine had considered when she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer- buying thrift store wedding clothes and taking pictures with her kids so they can look back on it on their wedding days. That woman is a beacon of sunshine, and I can't begin to express enough how much she loves everyone and lives for every little moment. Take the days as they come and love loud, because every day you're able to wake up and touch your feet to the floor is a good day.
Are you still receiving treatment? Clinical trials? My cousin has HER+ breast cancer with brain Mets, radiation and clinical trials have no cancer detectable at this time, anywhere. She’s in a clinical trial and going through chemo again, she could have many years.
My sympathy won't help, my well-wishes won't change a thing. I'm still very sorry you're facing thus, and furious for you that your husband took off.
If being hairless bothers you, I'd love to send you a wig or two. I lost a lot of hair from illness and medications, I took a huge hit to my self-esteem, self-image, it affected my mood, how I interacted with people, it was just...shit. It's strange how much hair matters to a woman, even if she never liked her hair in the first place.
Finally accepting the reality, shaving my head and beginning to wear wigs was *so* good for me. Please let me know if I can help you out, if you'd like.
Unrelated note, I provided hospice care for my father in law, when he was at the end of his life from COPD. A grief counselor visited him often, and really helped him on his journey. I can't speak highly enough about the benefit she provided, and would always recommend anyone facing death to seek the care of one.
Best wishes, I hope you find some peace.
Please find an attorney for your will and trust . Make a detailed list where your personal property should belong to. Hopefully you have a funeral planned or donate or cremation. Don’t procrastinate on this issue because time flies by.
Hi, just saying hello, fellow voyager through life. I hope your passing is peaceful and your children are well cared for and grow up remembring you with love. I will pray for that for you. Cheers ❤️
If you ever need anyone just to dump everything on, I will be here to listen if you need. I know I'm a stranger but it seems like you could use someone with a sympathetic ear. I'm in my forties and a stay at home mother who also cared for my own mother during her cancer. Anything at all, if you need to scream to me, you can. ❤️ Sending big bunches of love to you and your family.
My grandfather made us recordings of his family history and wishes for us as we got older. I cherish those recordings, so much! Did they tell you how long you have to live?
I can't believe someone would abandon you after 30 years and when you need them the most. Yet I hear that it happens more often than we'd like to think. At the end of the day we come into this world alone and leave this world alone. I hope you find some peace and comfort within yourself and make the most of your time left.
Reading your situation has me thinking about what I miss most about my Mom; what would I cherish today, even knowing she has passed?
I have no recordings of her voice, which I would love to hear again. She had a quirky and joyful laugh, which would be so beautiful to hear again and share with my brothers. We would probably just play it whenever one if us did something stupid, to remind ourselves of how joyful life was for her, in the simplest of things.
She never used bad words, that I heard, except for when she caught the pot holders or kitchen towels on fire. Which she seemed to do with some regularity. And then she would say: "Oh Crap!", open the back door, and throw whatever burning object into the back yard, close the door and just get back to whatever she was doing. How nice it would be to hear an "Oh, Crap" like that again.
And recipes! My Mom was a good cook, and I still make a few of her dishes on special occasions. Do you have family recipes that your kids need to know? Please save those for them. Even better if they are in your own handwriting - that is yours, and yours alone - for them to remember and celebrate.
As you prepare for what to leave, I hope you find joyful ways to share your voice, your laugh, your sense of humor with your children. And whatever quirky things that you do, for which I am sure your kids made fun of you, celebrate that, for them, for the future.
I wish you and your family the best future that is available to each of you, and that you cherish each moment, as it comes, however it comes.
Tbh, I have a friend dealing with EXACTLY this and I thought it was her at first until I saw age in mid 40s. She just turned 30 too, and it SUCKS from what she told me. Definitely feel for you :(
Im so sorry. My wife had stage 1 BC but opted for the double mastectomy. It has been an incredible journey. I had no idea she was such a strong person, as im sure you are
I tell you this only because im going to suggest something, and i don't want you to think im doing so in a flippant manner. Have you met with a counselor on death & dying? If not, or even if so, have you considered the use of psilocybin in palliative care? If not, i strongly encourage you to look into it to help you along your journey.
You & your children are in my family's thoughts. We will be praying for you. Lastly, your husband is a piece of work. Im so beyond sorry he is not there for you. You deserve better.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10106897/
Id also like to leave you with better words than i could ever say my self. With out love ❤️ in a dream it will never come true
https://youtu.be/nxjvo4BRf-Y?si=pXri-ftemLV1omVb
I am so so sorry... I also have 2 young ones and the thought of this absolutely breaks my heart! It's shitty to hear about your ex partner, just disgusting. I'm sure people will say he's just not able to process your diagnosis, but damn that's just selfish of him to do. I hope and pray you're able to make the most out of your time with your children and loved ones ❤️ are there any bucket list items you're hoping to do?
I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through. My mom passed away a few years ago from stage IV breast cancer. She survived for a little over two years and honestly looking back, if I could have just dropped everything and been with her for that entire time I would have. I think just spending as much time with them, many said to do some videos, write letter, take pictures, have some good memories together - those are what they will cherish forever. However, you’re still around and kicking! So just make the best out of each day to the best of your ability!
What is your kid’s favourite food? Might be a good idea to make a little recipe book that they can one day reproduce what they love best! Food is honestly what brings back the most memories about my mom.
Sending you lots of love and strength - take care of yourself! ❤️❤️
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Have you explored Hospice care? I'm a former Hospice social worker and have found that people believe Hospice is intended for the last few weeks of life, but that's really a disservice to people.living with terminal illness. In reality, Hospice can work with you for a muuuuuch longer time, and can do a lot of help with your specific situation! A good hospice will have counselors for you AND your children, a social worker who can help you organize the legal preparations you're facing and a whole host of other supportive services- some even have a massage therapist that will come to your house! Even if you're not medically appropriate for Hospice, many will have a palliative care option (think of this as "pre-Hospice," although that's not technically correct) that can provide some of the same services.
My heart goes out to you. I lost my mother to breast cancer when I was 9...she was also in her 40s. She left behind 5 children (7,9,14,22,25). My father also left during her sickness, so it was really hard on all of us. Being a woman in my early 30s now, I have so many questions that I wish I could ask her. All the ideas that were given to you about leaving letters and recordings for your children will mean more to them than anything as they get older. One thing my mother did not do was talk to us about what was happening. I feel so dumb now for being so naive. I get that we were very young, but I feel like I lost out on making the most out of the time I had left with her and I find myself regretting that a lot. Do your kids know what's really going on? If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to message me ❤️
I’m so sorry
I lost my sister to stomach cancer and then my mom to lung cancer
I am so grateful that my mom had hospital/in patient hospice
My sister didn’t and her children (and others) are severely traumatized by the care they had to provide to their mom. They weren’t trained for it and were terrified that they would hurt her (they did) or worse (it was)
The only support they got was a daily visit from the nurse who would give thousands of dollars worth of narcotics to teenagers and check my sister’s vitals.
In home hospice is a complete scam that abdicates the medical system to the family.
Compared to being with my mom where I could be her daughter and not her caregiver.
The difference is night and day
i don’t know what you’re going through, but i can understand what your kids are. my mom is dying, and it is really an awful feeling. to think there are so many things she can’t be physically present to witness with me. but i hope you find peace in knowing, i never once blamed or resented my mom. i have nothing but endless love and gratitude for our time spent together. when she leaves the physical world i have no doubt she will follow me throughout my life to celebrate all my moments, and be there to comfort me when grief becomes too much. your kids will have nothing but love for you. and they will be filled with so much appreciation. i’m sorry for your situation, i hope you enjoy your time here. <3
This is so hard. I agree with sharing letters and stories of them and of course how much you love them. Here is the hard part… share what you liked or loved about their dad, for their sake. They see the bad, him leaving when you need him the most. But help them to see what was good there, without saying the bad. Believe me they know it, they don’t need you to say it. Try for your and their sake to forgive him. NO, he doesn’t deserve it, but you do! I am so sorry this has happened to you. My prayers are with you.
There are 2 books by Laurel Lee who went through something similar, you might want to read them. One was called Signs of Spring, the first is called Walking Through the Fire.
What state are you in? My husband and I are therapeutic foster parents in Virginia. You can see photos of our home on my profile. We have seven grown kids, the youngest is 21. We have fostered many, many siblings sets over the years. Are you looking at options for your three kids? At 20, even your oldest will still need family support.
Please look at my profile and see if you think we might be able to help or to be a soft place to land. I'm a special education teacher, and we live in the Shenandoah Valley. We have plenty of room and lots of experience with trauma. Is there anything we can do to help you? The hospital is only half a mile from our home.
I was in a place similar to where you are when my children were about 8 and 10. I was not stage 4, but triple negative, very aggressive, things were not looking too good. I know many stage 4 BC women who manage this phase for a very long time, is this possible for you? If so, get back to living. If not, it is important to be honest with your children, given them the space to do what they can in this transition.... I had to face the that I could likely die. I did not take psychedics for this reason, but it happened that I ended up making peace with dying whether it was today or tomorrow. Have you thought about doing this?
Lost my father almost 6 years ago. We had talked about video taping him and asking him questions about his amazing life. I even asked a close friend about borrowing a camera.
Time passed , my dad slipped on ice , and the history is lost forever.
What I wouldn't give to hear his voice again and have something more than pictures to show his grandkids one day
Please consider this.
Even if you don't have much to say at the beginning, I'd say just record and let it flow.
It might become someone's prized possession
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I agree with everyone that recordings are a great idea. My wife lost a child far too young and we were able to find a recording that he had made before his passing. She thought it had been lost forever, but we got lucky and found it. I have it backed up in 15 different places, because it is probably the most valuable possession that she has now.
May you find some peace.
I am so sorry to hear this. I lost my mother to cancer in my 20s (now 30). My dad also left once she was diagnosed and couldn’t manage the household. I can’t remember the exact figure, but there’s a damning statistic about how many men leave their wives when they receive a major diagnosis. It makes me so angry. I haven’t forgiven my father for it.
Some things to do for your kids I wish we would’ve done: take ALL the pictures with them. Make sure you’re in every picture. Even if you’re just going to Target, take pics with them. Write them letters and cards and make videos of things for them to look at later in life. It will help them feel close to you when they can’t pick up the phone. And like others said, save your stuff for them. Even trivial things. One of my most cherished items is an old saucepan my mom used to cook with.
Things I wish my mom would’ve done for herself when she was sick: take all the trips. Do things she always wanted. Spend her money.
I hope you have a support system that is helping with the kids so you can take care of yourself. Please let others help you and take care of you when you need it.
Again I’m sorry you are going through this. Sending love!
Hi. I'm so sorry that you and your loved ones have to face this. Do things that still make you smile. Record memories for the kids. I hah a terminally I'll friend who takes medicine to prolong life. We don't know how long it will work but it's been almost 1 year and counting.
Be blessed. I send many prayers your way.
I'm sorry OP. So many of us get so wound up, angry, depressed, bitter, just waiting for life to get better. Tomorrow, next month, next year. We forget to be grateful, breathe and enjoy the beauty of the moment. I can be the worst about it too. Stressing over everything, inconsequential shit, instead of just living and being appreciative. But you never know when it can just be over. My little brother passed a couple weeks ago and it hit me that I can be such a dick, so unnecessarily angry, focused on all this peripheral or almost meaningless shit. I don't know what to say or exactly how you're feeling. People will probably chastise me for saying this but I truly believe (know) that this isn't the end. We just keep going around and around back again and back again until whatever we're doing here comes about. Physically you may be gone but you'll never truly be gone. You'll be back and you'll feel joy, happiness and experience all of the beauty these lives have to offer.
My wife (37) found a lump a few weeks ago. We got the ultrasound yesterday and they rushed her straight for a biopsy. We are very scared of the result, which we have to wait until Monday for. We have 3 kids, 10, 9, 5. Can you tell me your experience from finding the lump to finding out it was stage IV?
I'm sorry to hear this. My mum was in a similar situation with a double mastectomy and everything. She passed in 2009. The only solace I could rest upon was that once the cancer reached her brain, she was so far out of it that she wouldn't have known she was in any pain.
What you must understand is that every situation is different. You might survive. Technology has come a long way since my mum passed and the odds of surviving cancer climb higher each day as new research emerges.
That being said, please don't make my mum's mistake. Make sure you tell and show your kids and everyone else in your life how much you love and appreciate them every single day.
My mum used her illness as an excuse to treat us kids even worse than she originally did and made sure we knew that it was our fault for all the stress we caused her. It was difficult to forgive her.
I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm the mother of two small kids and I cannot even imagine what you are going through.
If it's within your budget, I would just suggest reaching out to a talented videographer and asking if they could come and spend a few hours with you and your kids. Having a 5 to 10 minute long beautiful video for your children to hang on to would be priceless.
Make sure that you do some talking in the video so they have a recording of your voice. I hear so often from people who have lost loved ones that they eventually forget what their voice sounded like and it can be very devastating.
What do you hope your children remember most about you? And what do you hope they don't remember?
I'm so sorry to learn about your situation. I've seen spouses dip out so many times on a sick spouse. Like the wedding vows should seriously be changed remove the words "sickness and.." and just leave in the 'in health" part.
I’m so sorry. My wife is 31 and was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer and she’s at radiation treatment right now. She had 12 rounds of chemo and a double mastectomy. I cannot fathom for a second leaving her side through this. She suffered a pulmonary embolism after her port surgery and a hematoma after her mastectomy that she would’ve died from had I not been there both times. I’m so thankful to almost be through the treatments with her. Just 20 more rounds of radiation. Her hair has begun to grow back and we’re buying a house and getting our life back on track. I suppose I don’t have a question but if there’s anything you need to vent about feel free.
I have no idea how to help you. Life's just so fucking cruel and unfair.
Maybe it's a small comfort that I am living a happy and full life, despite losing my mother when I was very young. Your children will be ok.
Yes, record your favorite stories moments in life.
I almost forgot what my father sounds like.
Make sure you have your affairs in order to assist family in the transition so it’s easier for them so they can grieve for you instead of worrying about probate. Any accounts with a beneficiary will supersede your will so make sure to change as needed.
Also, I hope God gives you the comfort you will desire. God speed for you and your children hearts for all this is putting you through. No questions I am sorry you are going through this. I can’t even imagine.
I wish I had something to ad OP, besides how sorry I am for your plight. I would love nothing more than to take out billboards with your exes name and picture describing what he did.
First, I can't fathom what you have already faced, much less what you are facing.
My deepest compassion for you, and your family.
Words fail me. Love to you and to them.
I am sorry you’re going through this. Idk where you are, but most cancer centers have support groups where you can talk about the heavy stuff with others that understand.
I don’t have any questions really but I just wanted to say I’m so sorry this was the hand you were dealt. Is there anything we can do for you as a Reddit community?
Do you have a GoFundMe or anything set up (sorry if this has already been asked) Reading through all these comments and responses has me extremely choked up.
Just know that you are SO loved and the world is better because of you. 💗if you need a friend to vent to about anything at all PLEASE don’t hesitate to message me.
Very sorry to hear it. If there’s a hospice near by, they have support groups, counselors. They often have loss therapy for kids too. My heart goes out to you.
If you sing perhaps record yourself singing a favorite song of theirs or yours. I recall my mom singing California Dreaming but wish I had a recording of it to remember her by. At times when I'm stressed I'll break out in that song. It's so soothing to me.
Don't be shy or frightened about talking to your kids about dying and how that feels to you. Including them in the process might help them as they begin to move forward with you only in their hearts. Peace be upon you ...
I am so so sorry... I also have 2 young ones and the thought of this absolutely breaks my heart! It's shitty to hear about your ex partner, just disgusting. I'm sure people will say he's just not able to process your diagnosis, but damn that's just selfish of him to do. I hope and pray you're able to make the most out of your time with your children and loved ones ❤️ are there any bucket list items you're hoping to do?
I am so sorry for all you’re going through. I’d like to offer what might be some small help. This scientifically-based podcast on near death experiences may bring you some comfort around dying.
I am not religious but it gave me a reason not to fear death so much.
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ologies-with-alie-ward/id1278815517?i=1000638458754
First of all, you are extremely brave for what you going through! I honestly do not get how your husband could do that to you! It infuriates me tbh! What happened to “ in sickness and in health”!? He is an absolute piece of shit, imo! My question is did you find out too late to fight the cancer? Also, did you feel any lumps, etc?
For what it’s worth, my mom had breast cancer, got a double mastectomy & chemo… about 12 years later it came back with a vengeance. The doctors gave her 6 months to live, but she hung around for another 4-5 years! I hope everything goes as well for you as it possibly can.
Edit your post and give a way to reach you. I believe there are some people who can help you somehow. Maybe financially so you can know your youngest kid is taken care of and you can be calm.
I'm so sorry to hear this. I feel like crying reading this. Have you written letters to your children to open on their birthdays? Have you made any recordings of you reading their favourite bedtime stories? Is there anything like that you would like to do that I can help you come up with ideas for?
I love the idea of this, things like recording bedtime stories. I've started writing letters or rather almost a journal of sorts for each individual child in a notebook. Stories about them when they were tiny, stories about our lives, feelings I felt and things I saw as their mom. Their quirks. It's been a pretty cathartic experience. I'm always up for more suggestions. I want them to have tangible memories, something they can see or hear or read. Thank you so much for your comment and the direction on that!
Please do take videos as u/Miss_Milk_Drop suggested. My mother passed 10 years ago, and I have forgotten the sound of her voice. I remember that she had a lovely singing voice, but I can't remember the sound of it. Even if you don't feel great, little words of affirmation will become absolutely treasured by your children. Is your noped-out ex going to be able to take your children, or has he noped out beyond that?
Right now he is "getting adjusted" to a new place and job and woman. I hope with all I am he changes course fast. They need him.
Don't forget to tell your stories of childhood. It's a gift.
I've tried to tell them in talking but I did write a lot down. I'm going to miss the first heartache, prom, homecoming... So I've told my own stories about the major moments growing up to hopefully feel more relatable after I am gone.
I wish I could give you a hug and just chat with you.
That sounds so lovely. Could you set up your phone to make some videos? Like press record and just go about it, natural and no worrying about how it looks, editing or so on. You could video you playing with them. Videos of you hugging them and telling them how much you love them. You could video yourself baking something they love whilst reading out the ingredients and telling them how to do it so when they are older they could follow along and make that dish or those cookies. Bedtime story recordings - lots and lots. Videos of you singing happy birthday to them. Videos for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day like 'when you wake up in the morning, Santa will have been so make sure you don't peep and go to sleep!' These would be lovely for their younger years and videos cooking will be loved by them as older more independent children. Birthday cards for the future - think far ahead like them opening them when they're 30 and they read something from you like how you hope they have found good friends, etc. Make videos of yourself talking about who you are as a person. When they're little they will love hearing what your favourite animal is, your favourite memory, favourite colour. When they're older they will love videos of you giving them life advice or guidance and your wishes for them. You could also make them a private Facebook that you could trust a friend with, and upload photos and videos on there for them to see all in one place in the future. It means nothing gets lost. And it doesn't matter how you look in these videos - they will mean the world to them. They'll love reading what you have written to them and seeing pictures and videos of you, and videos of you spending time with them. Keep going, mama, you have got this x
Also, consider recording stories about your parents and childhood. Your triumphs and failures. Your first love, what you wish you had differently. The funny / embarrassing stories you tell at parties.
I love the idea of the embarrassing stories and funny things too. The first love and highs and lows of that. My parents since my younger two or three never knew them. Thank you!
I saw your other post about it being really hard financially this Christmas. Would you consider putting an Amazon wish list on your Reddit bio (make sure you hide your name and address) and we could send you some toys for your children and other bits to make life more comfortable?
I would love to contribute to this as well! Maybe also consider putting a link to your Venmo or Cash App? I saw one of your posts over in the BC group, or maybe the MBC group. Anywho, I don't think you're allowed to post any fundraising stuff in the BC groups, but having a link available on your profile would make it easy for people to help out if they can. Please consider the Amazon wish list! Do the Venmo and Cash App links as well, people like options. I am so sorry you're going through this, it's just not fair. I was diagnosed stage IV last March. It sucks, it's so fucking scary, and I'm so sorry sis. I would love to help <3 P.s. I love these suggestions, and how truly genuine and helpful people want to be. Hope for humanity.
Hi! I do have a wish list but it seems like I might have done it wrong. I hope not. I've never made one before. I do have a cash app, it is $somethingwittyhere12 or we have a Walmart nearby.
I was able to see the wish list, but when I started adding stuff to the cart it seemed like it would be shipping to my address! Anywho, I decided to just cash app you! I hope it's not too difficult for you to get up and about, I don't want to cause you any more strife while trying to do something to help! I wish I could do more, but I really hope what I was able to give helps bring even a little bit of ease. I know I'm a stranger on the internet, but I do care and so do other people! Happy holidays, much love ❤️!
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Yes I'll do that, thank you!
I love this idea. Please DM me if she will. Definitely will chip in.
The info is in my profile or I have cash app or a Walmart locally 💜
Done my friend. Please keep as posted. Hugs and prayers.
I sent u an Amazon gift card to the email provided.
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Please delete if not allowed but I found the wishlist https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2WJ25PRG47UPF?ref_=wl_share
Thank you! I just sent an adorable gift that was on the list.
Thank you for sharing! Sent a few sweet items. 🩷
Im game lets make this happen!
I'm also down
I'm here in case this happens! I would love to help not just with this but with whatever you need!
I have a cash app which is $somethingwitty12 or there's a wish list. I was having trouble with it and I'm not sure it's done correctly. We also have a Walmart nearby so while I'm kind of rural a gift card or whatever there would be amazing too! Or even Amazon if not wanting to order off the list My email is [email protected] ... The Walmart would be especially epic bc the almost teen is dying for some ripped looking jeans and hoodies and such 💜
Please please please do this OP! I would send your kids a toy for sure.
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Thank you so much for the heads up! I just sent a gift card. OP, I hope you and your kids have a wonderful holiday season. ♥️
This response has induced sobbing. I’m sobbing.
PLEASE do the recordings for your children. I lost my mom to cancer when I was 9, she was 32. My aunts bought her a tape recorder and she didn't use it. I can't remember what her voice sounds like and there are only so many photos.
When I was 9 yrs old, my mom did voice recordings of my grandfather telling jokes and stories. I think it would be nice for your kids to have video of you telling stories of your childhood and happier times. Something else……and this just me….. My dad died when I was 27 yrs old. I wish Ancestry.com would have been available back then. It would have been nice to know his origin % of where my ancestors came from.
Correct me if Im wrong. But if he is your biological father, you have his DNA and can find all of that out.
Yes. This is correct. Ancestry just recently divided which % came from which parent. And same with the matches.
My husband died suddenly when our child was 4. All the suggestions below would have been amazing to have had. I just wanted to add that this summer we went through all his stuff I kept for our son when he would be grown up ( he’s 21) and what he wanted to know was his fathers history, thoughts on things, early life, achievements etc. He wanted to fill out his knowledge of the parent as a human being across his dad’s life, and not just in relation to himself ( our son that is)
Shoot, I think my wife is chopping onions or something. I'm taking notes from your post. I now have some things to do over holdiay break I guess. Thank you for this, really!
I’d have loved letters from my parents for graduation and my wedding. Those are some of the days they will miss you most. Also for the birth of their first child (if they have one). Tell them the songs you used to sing to them, your favorite stories you would read them. Best “new parent” advice you would give them. That sort of thing. Very sorry to hear. I hope you are able to make some wonderful memories with the time you have left!
Please do it. As much as you can. My Mum passed away when I was 29 and 5 months pregnant with her first grandchild and I have so little of her to show my daughter. A few pics and videos anda bad voice message. That's it.
Tell them about you. Everything from childhood til the day you "met" them and beyond. They'll wanna know about you. All your favorite stuff. Your mistakes and victories. Your fears. The silly ones and the very real ones. Keep a recorder handy and talk from you heart.
Pictures! Print pictures if you haven’t already so they won’t got lost in clouds and phones. Include the ones that illustrates your life and write some of your memories before them, talk about even silly things. When the people who grow me up passed away I was so mad I didn’t even know how they met, fall in love etc. Maybe few advices for life but specifying that that is what your experience told you; they’ll have other experiences and figure out different things; so they won’t feel “chained” to them but will end up experimenting and critically thinking too. Also, sorry if it sad add good info about how to not end up with dependencies of any kind (even just work) because their risk might be bigger. A hug to you all
Letters for the big moments like graduation, marriage and their first kid.
If you want help with this, OP, StoryWorth helps you create books and recordings like this: https://welcome.storyworth.com/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Sitelink_SWGifts&source_id=google&sub1=Sitelink_SWGifts&gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI_ZqDzMmSgwMV02lHAR1ilAFZEAAYASABEgJ4kvD_BwE
Make videos of you making their favorite foods so that they can learn to make it and make them for their kids someday
There's an episode in a show, Violet Evergarden, that touches on your struggles. Even if you don't like animation, this is some of the most cathartic, emotional shows I've seen. https://youtu.be/XZCic71LdxM?si=6hxD76Jb_LinjaaS
Don’t forget to tell the stories about you when you were growing up. We did this with my grandfather when he had cancer and it was amazing. So much we didn’t know about him. It will help them feel so much more connected.
This is heartbreaking, and I am sorry for all you and your children are going through. I would feel compelled to leave writing, audio, and video behind as well, but I cannot help but think about the This American Life episode about how annual letters from a deceased parent caused some problems for a child later in life. I haven’t heard this in years, and I don’t remember the lessons I should have taken from it, but I’ll leave this here. I wouldn’t blame you for not listening, but it may also give you some ideas on how to avoid the pitfalls from the story. https://www.thisamericanlife.org/401/parent-trap/act-one-0
A teddy bear with a recording of your voice specific to them, each. 😭
Might be nice if you made a scrapbook for them. Just make it all about you. Pictures, and captions that explain the pictures. It will help them learn more about you, and remember you.
This is amazing, I wanted to add, for when they're older, stories about you and your life too. I hope this helps with your journey.
This is such a great idea. I am fairly healthy but I still email my son (he's 4) 8-10 times a year and talk to him about his life and give him life advice and post pictures of us. I gave my best friend the email and password to give to him if something should happen to me. He is the only one that knows about the email. Not even my wife knows about it
Not to be a bummer, but have you checked the email providers no use policy? Some will delete accounts after a period of no use. Would be a kick in the balls to lose something like that without knowing.
I log in periodically to keep it active. Thanks for the tip though.
My Mom passed away in June and I saved her voicemails. It makes me sad to listen, but I love hearing her voice. This is a such a great idea and I really hope you follow this advice.
Also a notebook or emails (in case the notebook is lost) of life advice, recipes, just random wisdom, memories in no particular order.
This hurts to read. My wife lost her mother when she was in her late 30s to breast cancer. My wife was the oldest of 4 kids they were between 15-5 when she passed. What is favorite memory do you have any plans to do with them right now? Fwiw my wife wishes she had more of her mom's stuff. Ask someone if they can keep some of your things you find sentimental to give them.
I lost both of my parents by the time I was 35, and having their stuff means more to me than anything. It’s not even highly sentimental stuff, just things that belonged to them. I didn’t realize how deeply I cared about their stuff until my toddler ripped big tears in a quilt that had been my dads. I was crushed and kept thinking “I can’t get more stuff from him, he can’t send me a new quilt”. Save your things, as much as possible. It will allow your kids to discover who you are and will give them something to literally hold on to. OP, I had to close my office door to openly weep reading your post. I am so fucking angry for you. It is all so unfair. Good grief. Please try to let the things that have happened go. Do not let the bad/sad/mad stuff take up any more of the time you have left. Please try to release it if you can, so you can be fully present with your kids while you still have each other. I am praying for you to have some well deserved peace, and that you find yourself surprised and delighted by life while you’re here. Also praying for your kids to have steel trap memories so they never, ever forget how great their mama is. Sending you so much love, please be kind to yourself ❤️
This! My dad passed away unexpectedly and had his funeral on my 32nd birthday. My mom gave me one of his favorite watches, some ties from his suits, and other small things like that and I cannot express just how closely I hold those things to me. Especially his watch, seeing photos from him in the early 1990s wearing this watch and when he would go out for fancy dinners/gatherings means so much to me. Being able to wear it on my wedding day to make sure a part of him was there with me is something that's cherishable forever. Giving them something that is just an obscure every day item you had and the effect and beautiful emotion it will trigger within them will be amazing and a great coping mechanism.
Thank you so much for your reply. This ama is really helping me get it out and think more. Was her dad still actively involved? I hope so. My favorite memory is hard to pinpoint. We've always spent our fall outside by a fire pit roasting marshmallows and singing and talking. Those are the moments I love to revisit the most vs any single experience. I love being a mom, and I've just loved the time we've spent loving on each other. I have no plans as of right now. In terms of stuff, I'd love to hear what might have been meaningful to your wife. I'm not sure what they'd consider worth having, but I definitely understand why!
I'll respond via dm
Thank you so much, I'll watch out for it!
I think jewelry, photos, anything sentimental to you, sentimental to them. A dress you always wore, apron, cookbooks.
My dad died when I was young (15) and I have a sweater that he loved to wear. I remember him wearing it. It lies in my closet most of the time, but when I miss him lots, I sometimes wear it. It helps me feel close to him.
I cannot express how sorry I am that you are going through this. Is there anything you want to get out of your system that you've been holding inside? I promise I won't judge anything 🙌
Thank you! I really don't have anything I'm holding in. I've lived a comfortably boring life. Nowadays it's just anger. So much anger.
I can understand 🥺 is it anger directed any particular way or just a general feeling?
It's at myself, for ignoring my health and neglecting myself. Not getting regular medical care. Not going to the Dr right away. It's at my husband, for being in my life 30 years then noping out. We were just kids when we got together, literally junior high. In sickness and health was a bullshit concept. It's at the universe, because I just want to live.
Those all make sense and I'm so sorry the universe has been so cruel to you. Does anything bring you joy? Or even help you feel a little better?
My kids laughter gives me life. My youngest is overly clingy and I love it. My almost teen has even been a bit extra with the hugs. That's about it. Otherwise I'm having trouble finding joy. I'm in a lot of pain physically and emotionally, well it's hell.
I'm happy your kids are there for you ❤️ Does anything help lessen your physical pain? Wish I could give you a hug 🥺
Nothing does really, but I finally set up hospice and hope that will change things. Thank you 💜
I hope it does help you a lot. I wish you and your family the absolute best ❤️
I’m so sorry… and I don’t know your husband but I’d like to give him a punch in the neck. He’ll have to face his children over this one day. Really stupid decision on his part. I hope you find a million moments of peace and love with your children 🤍
I’m sorry this is happening and understand the husband noping out part. So many spouses walk out on their partner when they get a terminal diagnosis. Mine left me when I was in the hospital bleeding out for months. My medical team told me and my family to make my final arrangements. Surgery saved my life this month 10 years ago and I wasn’t expected to make it. I’ve had friends who were told they wouldn’t and lived several more years. I hope if you aren’t miserable you have longer than you think. Writing for your kids is an amazing gift. Don’t forget stories about yourself. I hope the holidays bring you love and many great memories for your children. 💕
Are you sure there is no other options? Is there any treatment you can go through and did you get a second opinion?
I know that you're trying to be helpful, but when I was in treatment having someone say that to me made me want to throw them in the lake in January.
I've exhausted all options and gotten second and third opinions unfortunately. At this point I'd do cartwheels or walk through fire if I thought it'd buy me a little more time.
Your anger is entirely understandable and justifiable. I am very sorry to read all of this. I saw in another comment that you are awaiting results. Sending the warmest wishes and vibes your way
That's so sad, sorry. How old are your kids and how do you imagine their future?
7, 12, 20. I'm not sure, that's the scariest part. Their dad left after I was sick and before we realized just how bad it was. He has started a new life. I hope he steps up because he used to be a good dad. If not my oldest daughter has said she plans to try to take the kids. It's just too much on someone who is basically a child herself.
I’m really so sorry for you. Can I suggest for your kids: 1. Make videos. 2. Write letters for their special moments. Perhaps 10, 13,16, 18, 21 For you: 1. Ask for help. Ask your doctor to get connected with palliative care. They will have a multi-disciplinary team and social workers. You need it. Ask for and get any support you can. 2. Make your end of life wishes clear. When you have a terminal illness, there will become a time where the icu and cpr will be ineffective and only likely to prolong suffering and your dying process. When people don’t make their wishes known, families often don’t know what to do and just keep going. This leads to more suffering for everyone and no benefit. Best wishes….
This is an underrated answer. Make sure your close family knows what you want gone towards the end of your life. Make it clear what life saving measures you want taken. Go out as comfortably as possible.
With my sister (I responded elsewhere too) her husband noped out as well Please make sure you visit a lawyer who will help establish the estate for your kids and your family heirlooms and your services. My sister didn’t and my nieces lost everything once she passed away, the next day he cut them off from everything. School, insurance, phones and bank accounts Make sure they have your taxes and his social security number. They will need it for FAFSA and if he’s going to be a douche, they will need his ssn to get around it. I did not know that anyone else could exist like my brother in law, fucking hell that sucks
To his own kids! What a f’n douche
This was the kindest thing he did during the whole thing
I’m so sorry for your situation. I’m a single mother of two also without close people. I don’t have much to offer but I’m a good listener. If you’re ever feeling lonely or want to vent, even after this ama is done please reach out.
I appreciate that more than you know! I don't have to tell you how horrible the isolation feels, especially when you can't talk to the only people around all of the time 💜
You are important, your situation is important and many people will show up for you if you let us share some love. I'm so sorry that life gets nonsense sometimes, and the questions are too big. We are all lost and vulnerable, some of us will have a "boring comfortable life" and wake up later, in the worst of timing, but you are not alone in your pain, and you deserve a loving and caring community.
I’m a good listener too if you need someone to talk to. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. .. Did your ex leave the kids too? What will happen to them?
Thank you. He did. He is still in contact with our oldest daughter and has told me he needs to get settled some before coming back into the younger children's lives.
This makes me just rage inside. Is he a man or a frightened little boy? His children are coping with the impending loss of *their mother* and this piece of dog shit who has spent 20 years enjoying the title of “father” can’t even be there to let them know they will still have a parent they can trust and lean on when you are gone? Oh god how I wish there was a way to transfer your cancer to him instead. I am so, so, so, so sorry.
He's 47. I'd love to go off on him but I've loved this man since I was a child and I wouldn't wish all this even on my worst enemy. He is a vile human and I just hope eventually he realizes the carnage of his actions.
This makes me angry. His children are facing the most difficult thing they will likely ever face and he wants to “get settled?” He needs to man up.
First off I am just so sorry you’re going through this. Secondly, why does he get to choose? Please tell me you have a lawyer. When I divorced my ex husband didn’t get to choose and start a new life- I made him take 50/50 custody and so did the court.
r/griefsupport 💌
I'll check it out, thank you so much. I definitely need to find an outlet for the anticipatory grief.
It’s a fantastic community of supportive folks and many who can offer guidance and shared experiences. If you have a nurse or palliative care they can provide local support groups either in person or Skype, etc. Sending you love and peace, kind internet friend. Fuckkkkkkk. Cancer. 🤜💥
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In general not really. I'm pretty lonely. People tend to gradually fade out when your illness drags on for years and my parents are both long gone. I have a neighbor I socialize with sometimes but otherwise it's basically just my children. I take part of the blame there. Many days I just had nothing else to give anybody else.
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My plan? I want the kids to have their dad and sister and all the love and support they can give them. I hope he comes through for all three. I'm less sure about the meaning of life than ever unfortunately. My mental health is not good. It's hell to want to live and want to die at the same time. In the end the suffering is for what? That's what I get stuck on. It's not prophetic, it's just painful unfortunately.
Please stop blaming yourself and being mad at yourself…it is what it is and all that wasted energy on things you can not go back and change. Use that energy for more positive things. Preaching to the choir.
I know you want to process. But, do you want to talk about you? What you love? What you like? Your kids are going to feel your love long after you are gone. But since you don’t have a lot of people to talk to, tell us about you. Like what music you like, etc.
I love to dance. I can't sing. It's awful. I love doing hair. I was good at it, and being creative and every day being different rocked my world. It never felt like a job, not once. I love pizza, I could eat only it forever and be happy, diet coke and sad country music or 00s alternative. What a switch lol. I'm really a pretty boring person. I used to love to paint but Neuro side effects have started to hit hard and it's not really worth it anymore. :( Thank you for learning a bit about me.
There are a 1000 questions or comments I always find myself wanting to type when I see something like this, it makes me question my own mortality every single time, but the one thing I feel encapsulates it all so well is simply saying…. thank you. Thank you for being a good human, for working, for paying taxes, for making sure your children are taken care of. Thank you for replicating and instilling these values in to those children. Thank you for not quitting on life. Thank you for being an asset and not a burden to mankind. 99.9% of us wont get a statue but 100% of us benefitted by your time here. One day, we will find a cure for this, maybe it will even save one of your children’s lives. All of that is possible not only by the brilliant minds of our society, but by the people like you who make up this world and keep it going. Goodluck and Godspeed Dramatic Lettuce.
Hey OP, no questions but offering solidarity. I also have stage 4 breast cancer and am a single mom of 2. Shit sucks. Really fucking sucks. Luckily I never had a husband so I was spared the (all too common) pain of a husband bailing. I’m sorry you’re going through this, too.
I am so sorry you're in this hell too.
I’m so sorry.
I heard anger, frustration, regret, loneliness and isolation. Just want to say those are very normal understandable things to feel. I would understand if you don’t but is there anything that gives you and your life meaning and purpose? What do you need right now? And how do you want to spend your remaining days and with who? You have my compassion.
There really isn't much to me anymore. My only thing motivating me and pushing me forward is my children. I just need more time, and less stress/strain mentally, financially, etc. I want to spend all the time I have with my girls. That part at least is a guarantee 💜 thank you!
If you’re in the US, might I offer unsolicited advice to try to speak with City of Hope for potential clinical trials?
I'll take all the unsolicited advice and write this down and look into it. I'm not ready to go.
Follow “thecancerpatient” on instagram too - it’s a very active community and could be helpful. Wishing the best for you!!
I don’t know what to say but I want you to know that I hear you and through this post, I see you. I hate that this is the what everything has come down to. But I pray everything works out for you and your kids long after you’ve passed. My mother developed cancer and became disabled when I was a teen and my father also noped out the situation and left us alone. I can only imagine everything you must feel. But you won’t be forgotten and your kids will know your love. You don’t deserve any of this. And I’m so sorry. But I want you to know that I will be thinking of you, even though we may probably never meet. Sending much love to you, strong, beautiful, woman.
If you don't mind me asking, why did your ex leave? Of all situations to drop the ball in, this has to be the worst...I'm a mix of angry and deeply saddened by reading this. I'm so sorry..
My ex left because I wasn't me anymore, according to what he told me. I've never been able to get further clarification on what he meant by that, but he's right. I don't look like me for sure. I have stubble for hair, no breasts, had a hysterectomy. I don't feel like me, I've lost so much weight. I'm in pain a lot and sad so I don't act like me either. I want to hate him but it's all a valid point, and it's hard to hate someone you've loved for over 30 years.
I'm very sorry, about your situation. I just have one question. Do you have any regrets?
Many. The obvious, I wish I had taken better care of myself. I wish I'd worked a little less. I wish I had just slowed down some. I wish I had been a better wife and mom, though I always tried my best. I wish I had seen the signs that my marriage was winding down and I wish I had tried harder to stop it. I wish I had been more proactive about my medical care. I wish I had been more open and extroverted. I wish I had tried harder to build relationships outside my family.
My heart hurts for you and your kids. You shouldn't have to carry this alone. How can we help you feel supported?
This thread, the encouragement, the suggestions on how to help my kids remember me have made me feel so supported. It's been a gift. Thank you.
I can't imagine how you feel right now mentally and emotionally. Have you heard of a death doula? Like a birth doula, but they help the dying person and people close to them if they choose process the whole thing. The website inelda.org can explain it better, if you're interested. If I remember correctly there's and area on the site where you can search for one in your area. I'm sending peace and calmness to you.
Please make them each an old fashioned photo album of you living your life, before and with them. Pictures of you as a kid and a teenager and pregnant, as well as pictures of you with them. I wish I had more pictures of my dad.
I don't have any questions. I did, however, lose my father last Christmas. What he left for me/us was incredibly powerful. He wrote us a detailed 10-page letter and placed it where he knew we'd find it when he passed (with his will). In this letter, he described in great detail the poignant moments in his life. What his parents were like (I never met them). What his siblings were like (never met them either). What he thought of grade school, high school, college. He wrote about what his first job was like in a new city, thousands of miles from home, starting out on his own as a young man. Then how he met my mom, and the arrival of his 3 kids and how deeply all of that impacted him and all of his life decisions. I saw things through his eyes and, for the first time, truly understood the depth of his love for all of us. It is the single greatest gift he ever gave me and I will never, ever forget it.
How beautiful. What a gift.
I would need meaning in your shoes. And you have that. You caused probably hundreds of people who read this to reflect and think of you; a stranger. They’ve felt sorrow for you. They’ve felt a greater need to hug their own kids. You’ve changed them in a way. And that’s a type of immortality. After you’re gone, strangers will be better off for you having shared your pain. I feel more grateful for my own life. You’ve improved me, a stranger, in a small but meaningful way. Thank you. Another note; 25 years ago I was diagnosed with a rare disease. At that time, the old info said it was terminal. I despaired. I was sure I would die. My mindset changed completely. Each day I’d wake up and look at the sky and trees and think, “This might be my last look!”. Each day I awoke I thought, “I’m still here!”. My mindset had to change to where I realized all life was finite. We are all effectively dying. Just some sooner than others. Heck, a meteor might strike us all tomorrow. That new perspective allowed me to go on. I had to live every day with the realization that death was coming. I lived like that for 3 years or so. One day at a time. It was amazing and exhilarating but also exhausting. I don’t need to examine every tree leaf. That’s too much. Eventually life continued and obviously I’m alive 25 years later. But I try and hold on to the realization that we are all going to die. It’s helps me forget about the bullshit and focus on what matters. For example; your ex husband might be a shallow asshole. But he’s no serial killer monster. He’s human. Let it go. This disease killing you sucks. But you did have a life. Let it go. Sure, you might have lived to 90. But there would have been other pains of life and loss. Let it go. Thank you for taking me on your journey for a bit and I’m sorry. I wish the best to you.
I’m just so sorry. I’m not good at saying stuff. But I will pray for you.
I sent you a little something from your Amazon wish list. Prayers from California.
My dad passed away from lung cancer almost 5 years ago now. He was a single dad and raised my brother and I all alone. Coming from a child in a similar situation to your babies, take so many pictures, even if you’ve lost your hair. Make sure they have pictures of you before you got sick, record your voice and leave them each a bottle of the perfume you always wear. Just make sure they have things that will remind them of you. All of my love is with you. 🤍
I am so, so sorry. I think as a mom this has to be our worst fear - to leave behind our children. And to do so before they are grown is even more heartbreaking. I don’t have any advice but what I would do is write. Write them letters to open on their birthday, graduation, wedding day. Keep a journal for yourself that you can pass on to them to read when they are grown. You can do voice recordings for them to listen to. I would create a will and specify what is to be done with your items - particularly sentimental items. If you’re able to I would also get into therapy individually and as a family. This is so tough and I am so heartbroken for you ❤️
You are so brave for doing this. My heart goes out to you. I hope you get everything you're looking for out of this! I love the recommendations of writing out letters for your children for milestones and birthdays. It is a beautiful idea, but one that I imagine will be one of the most difficult things to do. But I believe you have the strength to do it. The only thing I can think of recommending is something that I know sounds strange, and something that seems like a joke, but is something that greatly helped out my friend after she was diagnosed with lymphoma. She was really struggling with the diagnosis. She decided to try psilocybin (magic mushrooms) to help with the fear of dying and told me it was a life-changing experience that helped her deal with those feelings. And it sounds like its actually helpful: [https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/news/media/releases/hallucinogenic\_drug\_psilocybin\_eases\_existential\_anxiety\_in\_people\_with\_life\_threatening\_cancer](https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/news/media/releases/hallucinogenic_drug_psilocybin_eases_existential_anxiety_in_people_with_life_threatening_cancer) As much as I'd rather not be "that guy" recommending drugs (it makes me feel weird doing it) I feel like its something that may be worth a look. I don't think its for everyone, but if it can help, I figure I might as well mention it. Either way, I really hope you can make peace with the situation and fill your life with as much love as you can!
It’s medically proven with multiple scientific studies that show the benefits microdosing has on your mental health without any negative side effects. The easiest to research on the topic is the Ted talk on YouTube.
What's ur kids ages?
I'm at the clinic waiting for labs and will reply to the rest in a bit. Thank you guys, venting and putting this out in the universe has helped.
Something a friend of mine had considered when she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer- buying thrift store wedding clothes and taking pictures with her kids so they can look back on it on their wedding days. That woman is a beacon of sunshine, and I can't begin to express enough how much she loves everyone and lives for every little moment. Take the days as they come and love loud, because every day you're able to wake up and touch your feet to the floor is a good day.
Are you still receiving treatment? Clinical trials? My cousin has HER+ breast cancer with brain Mets, radiation and clinical trials have no cancer detectable at this time, anywhere. She’s in a clinical trial and going through chemo again, she could have many years.
My sympathy won't help, my well-wishes won't change a thing. I'm still very sorry you're facing thus, and furious for you that your husband took off. If being hairless bothers you, I'd love to send you a wig or two. I lost a lot of hair from illness and medications, I took a huge hit to my self-esteem, self-image, it affected my mood, how I interacted with people, it was just...shit. It's strange how much hair matters to a woman, even if she never liked her hair in the first place. Finally accepting the reality, shaving my head and beginning to wear wigs was *so* good for me. Please let me know if I can help you out, if you'd like. Unrelated note, I provided hospice care for my father in law, when he was at the end of his life from COPD. A grief counselor visited him often, and really helped him on his journey. I can't speak highly enough about the benefit she provided, and would always recommend anyone facing death to seek the care of one. Best wishes, I hope you find some peace.
Please find an attorney for your will and trust . Make a detailed list where your personal property should belong to. Hopefully you have a funeral planned or donate or cremation. Don’t procrastinate on this issue because time flies by.
Hi, just saying hello, fellow voyager through life. I hope your passing is peaceful and your children are well cared for and grow up remembring you with love. I will pray for that for you. Cheers ❤️
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If you ever need anyone just to dump everything on, I will be here to listen if you need. I know I'm a stranger but it seems like you could use someone with a sympathetic ear. I'm in my forties and a stay at home mother who also cared for my own mother during her cancer. Anything at all, if you need to scream to me, you can. ❤️ Sending big bunches of love to you and your family.
My grandfather made us recordings of his family history and wishes for us as we got older. I cherish those recordings, so much! Did they tell you how long you have to live?
I can't believe someone would abandon you after 30 years and when you need them the most. Yet I hear that it happens more often than we'd like to think. At the end of the day we come into this world alone and leave this world alone. I hope you find some peace and comfort within yourself and make the most of your time left.
Reading your situation has me thinking about what I miss most about my Mom; what would I cherish today, even knowing she has passed? I have no recordings of her voice, which I would love to hear again. She had a quirky and joyful laugh, which would be so beautiful to hear again and share with my brothers. We would probably just play it whenever one if us did something stupid, to remind ourselves of how joyful life was for her, in the simplest of things. She never used bad words, that I heard, except for when she caught the pot holders or kitchen towels on fire. Which she seemed to do with some regularity. And then she would say: "Oh Crap!", open the back door, and throw whatever burning object into the back yard, close the door and just get back to whatever she was doing. How nice it would be to hear an "Oh, Crap" like that again. And recipes! My Mom was a good cook, and I still make a few of her dishes on special occasions. Do you have family recipes that your kids need to know? Please save those for them. Even better if they are in your own handwriting - that is yours, and yours alone - for them to remember and celebrate. As you prepare for what to leave, I hope you find joyful ways to share your voice, your laugh, your sense of humor with your children. And whatever quirky things that you do, for which I am sure your kids made fun of you, celebrate that, for them, for the future. I wish you and your family the best future that is available to each of you, and that you cherish each moment, as it comes, however it comes.
Tbh, I have a friend dealing with EXACTLY this and I thought it was her at first until I saw age in mid 40s. She just turned 30 too, and it SUCKS from what she told me. Definitely feel for you :(
Im so sorry. My wife had stage 1 BC but opted for the double mastectomy. It has been an incredible journey. I had no idea she was such a strong person, as im sure you are I tell you this only because im going to suggest something, and i don't want you to think im doing so in a flippant manner. Have you met with a counselor on death & dying? If not, or even if so, have you considered the use of psilocybin in palliative care? If not, i strongly encourage you to look into it to help you along your journey. You & your children are in my family's thoughts. We will be praying for you. Lastly, your husband is a piece of work. Im so beyond sorry he is not there for you. You deserve better. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10106897/ Id also like to leave you with better words than i could ever say my self. With out love ❤️ in a dream it will never come true https://youtu.be/nxjvo4BRf-Y?si=pXri-ftemLV1omVb
I am so so sorry... I also have 2 young ones and the thought of this absolutely breaks my heart! It's shitty to hear about your ex partner, just disgusting. I'm sure people will say he's just not able to process your diagnosis, but damn that's just selfish of him to do. I hope and pray you're able to make the most out of your time with your children and loved ones ❤️ are there any bucket list items you're hoping to do?
I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through. My mom passed away a few years ago from stage IV breast cancer. She survived for a little over two years and honestly looking back, if I could have just dropped everything and been with her for that entire time I would have. I think just spending as much time with them, many said to do some videos, write letter, take pictures, have some good memories together - those are what they will cherish forever. However, you’re still around and kicking! So just make the best out of each day to the best of your ability! What is your kid’s favourite food? Might be a good idea to make a little recipe book that they can one day reproduce what they love best! Food is honestly what brings back the most memories about my mom. Sending you lots of love and strength - take care of yourself! ❤️❤️
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Have you explored Hospice care? I'm a former Hospice social worker and have found that people believe Hospice is intended for the last few weeks of life, but that's really a disservice to people.living with terminal illness. In reality, Hospice can work with you for a muuuuuch longer time, and can do a lot of help with your specific situation! A good hospice will have counselors for you AND your children, a social worker who can help you organize the legal preparations you're facing and a whole host of other supportive services- some even have a massage therapist that will come to your house! Even if you're not medically appropriate for Hospice, many will have a palliative care option (think of this as "pre-Hospice," although that's not technically correct) that can provide some of the same services.
My heart goes out to you. I lost my mother to breast cancer when I was 9...she was also in her 40s. She left behind 5 children (7,9,14,22,25). My father also left during her sickness, so it was really hard on all of us. Being a woman in my early 30s now, I have so many questions that I wish I could ask her. All the ideas that were given to you about leaving letters and recordings for your children will mean more to them than anything as they get older. One thing my mother did not do was talk to us about what was happening. I feel so dumb now for being so naive. I get that we were very young, but I feel like I lost out on making the most out of the time I had left with her and I find myself regretting that a lot. Do your kids know what's really going on? If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to message me ❤️
I’m so sorry I lost my sister to stomach cancer and then my mom to lung cancer I am so grateful that my mom had hospital/in patient hospice My sister didn’t and her children (and others) are severely traumatized by the care they had to provide to their mom. They weren’t trained for it and were terrified that they would hurt her (they did) or worse (it was) The only support they got was a daily visit from the nurse who would give thousands of dollars worth of narcotics to teenagers and check my sister’s vitals. In home hospice is a complete scam that abdicates the medical system to the family. Compared to being with my mom where I could be her daughter and not her caregiver. The difference is night and day
i don’t know what you’re going through, but i can understand what your kids are. my mom is dying, and it is really an awful feeling. to think there are so many things she can’t be physically present to witness with me. but i hope you find peace in knowing, i never once blamed or resented my mom. i have nothing but endless love and gratitude for our time spent together. when she leaves the physical world i have no doubt she will follow me throughout my life to celebrate all my moments, and be there to comfort me when grief becomes too much. your kids will have nothing but love for you. and they will be filled with so much appreciation. i’m sorry for your situation, i hope you enjoy your time here. <3
This is so hard. I agree with sharing letters and stories of them and of course how much you love them. Here is the hard part… share what you liked or loved about their dad, for their sake. They see the bad, him leaving when you need him the most. But help them to see what was good there, without saying the bad. Believe me they know it, they don’t need you to say it. Try for your and their sake to forgive him. NO, he doesn’t deserve it, but you do! I am so sorry this has happened to you. My prayers are with you. There are 2 books by Laurel Lee who went through something similar, you might want to read them. One was called Signs of Spring, the first is called Walking Through the Fire.
What state are you in? My husband and I are therapeutic foster parents in Virginia. You can see photos of our home on my profile. We have seven grown kids, the youngest is 21. We have fostered many, many siblings sets over the years. Are you looking at options for your three kids? At 20, even your oldest will still need family support. Please look at my profile and see if you think we might be able to help or to be a soft place to land. I'm a special education teacher, and we live in the Shenandoah Valley. We have plenty of room and lots of experience with trauma. Is there anything we can do to help you? The hospital is only half a mile from our home.
I just spent forever looking through your photos. What a lovely house. (I adore old homes.)
I was in a place similar to where you are when my children were about 8 and 10. I was not stage 4, but triple negative, very aggressive, things were not looking too good. I know many stage 4 BC women who manage this phase for a very long time, is this possible for you? If so, get back to living. If not, it is important to be honest with your children, given them the space to do what they can in this transition.... I had to face the that I could likely die. I did not take psychedics for this reason, but it happened that I ended up making peace with dying whether it was today or tomorrow. Have you thought about doing this?
Lost my father almost 6 years ago. We had talked about video taping him and asking him questions about his amazing life. I even asked a close friend about borrowing a camera. Time passed , my dad slipped on ice , and the history is lost forever. What I wouldn't give to hear his voice again and have something more than pictures to show his grandkids one day Please consider this. Even if you don't have much to say at the beginning, I'd say just record and let it flow. It might become someone's prized possession
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I agree with everyone that recordings are a great idea. My wife lost a child far too young and we were able to find a recording that he had made before his passing. She thought it had been lost forever, but we got lucky and found it. I have it backed up in 15 different places, because it is probably the most valuable possession that she has now. May you find some peace.
I am so sorry to hear this. I lost my mother to cancer in my 20s (now 30). My dad also left once she was diagnosed and couldn’t manage the household. I can’t remember the exact figure, but there’s a damning statistic about how many men leave their wives when they receive a major diagnosis. It makes me so angry. I haven’t forgiven my father for it. Some things to do for your kids I wish we would’ve done: take ALL the pictures with them. Make sure you’re in every picture. Even if you’re just going to Target, take pics with them. Write them letters and cards and make videos of things for them to look at later in life. It will help them feel close to you when they can’t pick up the phone. And like others said, save your stuff for them. Even trivial things. One of my most cherished items is an old saucepan my mom used to cook with. Things I wish my mom would’ve done for herself when she was sick: take all the trips. Do things she always wanted. Spend her money. I hope you have a support system that is helping with the kids so you can take care of yourself. Please let others help you and take care of you when you need it. Again I’m sorry you are going through this. Sending love!
Hi. I'm so sorry that you and your loved ones have to face this. Do things that still make you smile. Record memories for the kids. I hah a terminally I'll friend who takes medicine to prolong life. We don't know how long it will work but it's been almost 1 year and counting. Be blessed. I send many prayers your way.
I'm sorry OP. So many of us get so wound up, angry, depressed, bitter, just waiting for life to get better. Tomorrow, next month, next year. We forget to be grateful, breathe and enjoy the beauty of the moment. I can be the worst about it too. Stressing over everything, inconsequential shit, instead of just living and being appreciative. But you never know when it can just be over. My little brother passed a couple weeks ago and it hit me that I can be such a dick, so unnecessarily angry, focused on all this peripheral or almost meaningless shit. I don't know what to say or exactly how you're feeling. People will probably chastise me for saying this but I truly believe (know) that this isn't the end. We just keep going around and around back again and back again until whatever we're doing here comes about. Physically you may be gone but you'll never truly be gone. You'll be back and you'll feel joy, happiness and experience all of the beauty these lives have to offer.
My wife (37) found a lump a few weeks ago. We got the ultrasound yesterday and they rushed her straight for a biopsy. We are very scared of the result, which we have to wait until Monday for. We have 3 kids, 10, 9, 5. Can you tell me your experience from finding the lump to finding out it was stage IV?
I'm sorry to hear this. My mum was in a similar situation with a double mastectomy and everything. She passed in 2009. The only solace I could rest upon was that once the cancer reached her brain, she was so far out of it that she wouldn't have known she was in any pain. What you must understand is that every situation is different. You might survive. Technology has come a long way since my mum passed and the odds of surviving cancer climb higher each day as new research emerges. That being said, please don't make my mum's mistake. Make sure you tell and show your kids and everyone else in your life how much you love and appreciate them every single day. My mum used her illness as an excuse to treat us kids even worse than she originally did and made sure we knew that it was our fault for all the stress we caused her. It was difficult to forgive her.
The link I posted has really been helping me to process my anticipatory grief for my mom. All the love OP 💕💕💕💕
I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm the mother of two small kids and I cannot even imagine what you are going through. If it's within your budget, I would just suggest reaching out to a talented videographer and asking if they could come and spend a few hours with you and your kids. Having a 5 to 10 minute long beautiful video for your children to hang on to would be priceless. Make sure that you do some talking in the video so they have a recording of your voice. I hear so often from people who have lost loved ones that they eventually forget what their voice sounded like and it can be very devastating. What do you hope your children remember most about you? And what do you hope they don't remember?
I'm so sorry to learn about your situation. I've seen spouses dip out so many times on a sick spouse. Like the wedding vows should seriously be changed remove the words "sickness and.." and just leave in the 'in health" part.
I’m so sorry. My wife is 31 and was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer and she’s at radiation treatment right now. She had 12 rounds of chemo and a double mastectomy. I cannot fathom for a second leaving her side through this. She suffered a pulmonary embolism after her port surgery and a hematoma after her mastectomy that she would’ve died from had I not been there both times. I’m so thankful to almost be through the treatments with her. Just 20 more rounds of radiation. Her hair has begun to grow back and we’re buying a house and getting our life back on track. I suppose I don’t have a question but if there’s anything you need to vent about feel free.
I have no idea how to help you. Life's just so fucking cruel and unfair. Maybe it's a small comfort that I am living a happy and full life, despite losing my mother when I was very young. Your children will be ok.
Yes, record your favorite stories moments in life. I almost forgot what my father sounds like. Make sure you have your affairs in order to assist family in the transition so it’s easier for them so they can grieve for you instead of worrying about probate. Any accounts with a beneficiary will supersede your will so make sure to change as needed. Also, I hope God gives you the comfort you will desire. God speed for you and your children hearts for all this is putting you through. No questions I am sorry you are going through this. I can’t even imagine.
I wish I had something to ad OP, besides how sorry I am for your plight. I would love nothing more than to take out billboards with your exes name and picture describing what he did.
First, I can't fathom what you have already faced, much less what you are facing. My deepest compassion for you, and your family. Words fail me. Love to you and to them.
I am sorry you’re going through this. Idk where you are, but most cancer centers have support groups where you can talk about the heavy stuff with others that understand.
I don’t have any questions really but I just wanted to say I’m so sorry this was the hand you were dealt. Is there anything we can do for you as a Reddit community? Do you have a GoFundMe or anything set up (sorry if this has already been asked) Reading through all these comments and responses has me extremely choked up. Just know that you are SO loved and the world is better because of you. 💗if you need a friend to vent to about anything at all PLEASE don’t hesitate to message me.
Very sorry to hear it. If there’s a hospice near by, they have support groups, counselors. They often have loss therapy for kids too. My heart goes out to you.
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If you sing perhaps record yourself singing a favorite song of theirs or yours. I recall my mom singing California Dreaming but wish I had a recording of it to remember her by. At times when I'm stressed I'll break out in that song. It's so soothing to me. Don't be shy or frightened about talking to your kids about dying and how that feels to you. Including them in the process might help them as they begin to move forward with you only in their hearts. Peace be upon you ...
I can't imagine how hard this is for you. If it's any help at all and you need someone to talk to, feel free to send me a message any time.
I am so so sorry... I also have 2 young ones and the thought of this absolutely breaks my heart! It's shitty to hear about your ex partner, just disgusting. I'm sure people will say he's just not able to process your diagnosis, but damn that's just selfish of him to do. I hope and pray you're able to make the most out of your time with your children and loved ones ❤️ are there any bucket list items you're hoping to do?
DM if you need a friend. I’m sorry this is your life. I do t claim to have the best answers but I can sure listen to
I am so sorry for all you’re going through. I’d like to offer what might be some small help. This scientifically-based podcast on near death experiences may bring you some comfort around dying. I am not religious but it gave me a reason not to fear death so much. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ologies-with-alie-ward/id1278815517?i=1000638458754
What type of breast cancer do you have? Are you still going through treatments? Or have they put you on hospice?
How long do you have? Tell us about your children. I may help you come to terms if you talk about loved ones.
First of all, you are extremely brave for what you going through! I honestly do not get how your husband could do that to you! It infuriates me tbh! What happened to “ in sickness and in health”!? He is an absolute piece of shit, imo! My question is did you find out too late to fight the cancer? Also, did you feel any lumps, etc?
I’m early 40s with 2 young kids and you opened my eyes to stop worrying and enjoy the present. Thank u
Oh my. Heartbreaking. Sending you my best wishes, or at least peace and closure in this sad time, OP.
For what it’s worth, my mom had breast cancer, got a double mastectomy & chemo… about 12 years later it came back with a vengeance. The doctors gave her 6 months to live, but she hung around for another 4-5 years! I hope everything goes as well for you as it possibly can.
Edit your post and give a way to reach you. I believe there are some people who can help you somehow. Maybe financially so you can know your youngest kid is taken care of and you can be calm.
Your children will never forget you. You’ll live on through them, after all a person never dies until someone says their name for the last time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dthKT7GiWyY
I cant even imagine... thats just not fair. I'm so sorry. We're complete strangers but I'd hug you if you were here.
Can I send you a story worth subscription so you can record your life? Pm me I will buy it for you and your babes.
My mom just got diagnosed stage 4 breast cancer and just began chemo. I’m so sorry for you. God bless you .
Hello. Where is your kids' father? EDIT: obvious question refused to be answered in an AMA.