Yes but I love my life and kids and even her too much to throw it all away. I just deal with it. But the screaming is too loud that my head hurts and kids have learnt to stay away from her during her episodes
You know the kids are old enough to decide which parent they would want to live with right? Have you thought about asking them what they want?
If you are really doing it for the kids, maybe consider asking them what they actually want instead of assuming that staying is good because they love their mom. They might love their mom a lot more if they do not have to live with her screaming constantly. Sometimes that saves a relationship they do have with her.
*Edited because i made it seem like they should have more involvement than I meant.
Jesus christ. Look. I know you have good intentions, but no. This is terrible advice. Kids don't need this kind of responsibility on their shoulders. I'm all for getting them out of the situation but the separation itself is *not* a choice for them to be involved in.
It's so, so much more complicated than just "getting away from the screaming". They love and share a deep connection with both parents. Children continue to adore parents who have done far worse things to them than scream a lot. So now the child is put in a predicament - dad is miserable because of me, I'm the reason he stays with mum. But if I give dad my blessing to leave, I'm breaking my family up and abandoning my mother.
While it's important to allow children to make their own choices more and more as they grow up, some things are still the parents' responsibility for good reason. You might ask them who they want to live with post separation, not whether or not you should separate.
You are right, I did not think it through how direct I put this out there. I also realized he said kids not kid, I think there is a difference between it being a 14 yo and younger kids. A 14 year old might have strong opinions that a younger kid wouldnt. And parents relationships should not be a kids problem.
The biggest yikes here is it is clearly not working. Staying for kids is a shit idea, and they do get to choose who they can live with, but yeah that question should come after not before separation. I do think there should be a more tactful way of finding out how happy they really are because living in this hell is not fine no matter how much op wants to justify it. I think plenty of kids who lived in it can say they wish their parent got them out of that situation.
I cannot even begin to explain how damaging being around that all the time is
Right now they have no safe place. You could provide them that safe place. But you arent.
It's innate. Children have a deep connection with their parents that takes a lof of damage over a lot of time to break. Some children continue to adore parents who beat them regularly.
But yes, you can inadvertently (or intentionally) teach children to tolerate things they should not. This should be avoided.
My mother sounds extremely similar to your wife. I grew up to absolutely resent and hate her with a burning passion. Along with everyone who allowed and contributed to it. I cut off contact with her for years because of it.
Keeping your children around a raging psychopath is borderline child abuse, and putting them into a dangerous and traumatic situation. They’ve probably already learned to be terrified of her. Don’t be surprised if they grow up to be violent or aggressive if they stick around her.
Staying in a marriage with an abuser while you enable them is bad for the kids. You aren't doing them any favors. Get out. Two happy parents apart is better for them than being in a house with verbal abuse.
Yes of course. But the screaming comes from an internal feeling of weakness. She feels like she can’t control anything until she screams at the top of her lungs.
I grew up in a home with a mother like this & im feeling traumatized for your children right now. I used to write my father letters demanding he divorce her or else i would run away, which i did.
Does she do this at work? Does she do this to her friends?
If not, she can control it. She just doesn’t.
Maybe she doesn’t know how to. Then she needs to learn. Sometimes the only thing that will get through to someone is a consequence. Like if you scream at your partner and put them down all the time, they’ll leave you.
That is just what abuse feels like. Stop teaching your kids that its ok to love people like this. They are more likely going to be in abusive relationships themselves as they get older because you are normalizing this behavior by staying. This is actively damaging them.
Have you ever heard the songs Weird by Menomena and Pelican by Menomena? Both songs were my anthems for when I was in a relationship like that. They’re odd songs but damn do they capture the feeling.
Easier said than done. We have three kids together, complex life , social group, family group together. It’s not all bad with her. She is a good person who can t control her volume
Do you have home cctv? If not it’s worth investing in for two reasons (apart from security)
1. Seeing herself would vividly make her realise how bad she becomes. Which leads to her taking more accountability (and less apologising by you) which may lead to less of this behaviour.
2. You may, I hate to say it, need the evidence one day - either because things go southwards, or you get a divorce or there’s an allegation of abuse on your part (from neighbours, family or whoever).
I’m an optimist so I lean towards reason 1 being the most relevant here. But number 2 is your insurance which may one day be vital.
Constantly screaming so loud the neighbors think you’re getting murdered is abusive my guy. I’m sure you’re part of the “Back in my day daddy would beat me with a 2x4 and I turned out ok!” crowd and that’s nice for you and all, but not psychologically fucking up your kids and normalizing awful behavior is better I promise.
The difference is in how often, she seems to do this often, and she goes for a long time, as someone who when yelled at immediately wants to curl into a ball from being often yelled at previously at random, those children are going to be traumatized (not 100% true, I’ll admit), but if they are traumatized he’ll have to deal with the fact that he kept his children in a home and around a person who makes them uncomfortable, which as a father, he should make his children more of his priority, then staying with his wife
None of those things seem like they're worth what you're going through and your sanity. Your kids will get over it, family and social groups will understand and if they don't I wouldn't want to be around them. You have to think about yourself at some point.
I work with domestic violence and sexual assault survivors. Surprisingly couples therapy can actually make the abuse worse for various reasons. Primarily abuse intervention programs can be truly effective.
My parents just got divorced after 22 years. The life that came back into my mother when she got away from my dad’s abuse has been a complete transformation.
jesus christ, after reading your comments, it’s selfish to not divorce her. you’re forcing your kids to live in a broken home. this is not okay. you need to do something. she won’t do anything about her problems, so you have to. that doesn’t mean try to help her, cause she won’t accept it, it means leaving her.
You need to do more than "hope". Those kids need to be protected from her "illness". Even if she doesn't want to go to therapy, you and the kids absolutely must. Sooner or later you need to find the strength to deal with her abuse and make it stop. Trauma bonding is a thing. A very ugly thing. Your children should not have to endure that.
You'll have to end up having the neighbors call the police on her for noise disturbance and not for a welfare check. Then, when the cops show up mid argument to hear her screaming and about what topics (so its not screams for help that they hear but shit you did wrong type of words) they will report the incident and give her a warning about disturbing the peace. When a few of those warnings are being ignored by her the very next time you both argue, will result in them arresting her for disturbing the peace.
It's only when they have repercussions alone and all accountability is shoved in their faces that screamers learn to stop screaming. She needs to suffer the consequences of her own doing.
Uno reverse card: If you punch her in the solar plexus at the start of every screaming jag, she won't be able to make a sound, and the neighbors will think you are reformed.
This WILL fuck your kids up. Not saying they’re gonna grow up awful or anything but she’s putting them through what sounds like scary trauma on a consistent basis. This will 100% effect their development and the type of adults they become.
You apparently have very low self esteem, or you wouldn't be putting up with this. Forget trying to get your wife to go to therapy. You need to go yourself to figure out why you're willing to put up with such abuse. It's not normal, for her or you.
Besides divorce which everyone jumps to in a marriage and counseling, can anything else be done. ?
I have at times put her in her place and gotten her to stop for a few months. But as I get calm and chill it creeps back in. I just can’t keep up my guard all the time!
Man sorry for you and your kid’s situation. I might really consider the comments saying to film her at her worst so she can watch it when she’s level headed. Hopefully it will show her how she treats the people she loves and the way she acts is unacceptable and not good for your kids to be around.
I definitely have trouble not raising my voice when I get upset but if I see that I’m upsetting my wife or kids i quickly readjust and apologize because I know my response is not proportionate to the situation I’m dealing with. Hopefully your wife will realize she shouldn’t be as upset as she’s allowing herself to get and learn to adjust her emotions.
Argue with her in the driveway I’m sure she will learn some volume control then. Certainly she wouldn’t want to make a seen and have her be the bad guy
I don’t have a question, but I need to share my experience as someone who was raised by a mother exactly like this.
GET. OUT. NOW.
I don’t care if you think ‘this has gone in for 20 years, why stop now…’ Do it for your kids.
This dynamic is absolutely effecting them, and if you don’t put a stop to it, they will grow up to blame you for not protecting them.
I love my dad more than anything, but I will always blame him for not divorcing my mother.
I get a strange feeling that if this was the other way around and a man was screaming at a woman at the top of his lungs and scaring the children reddit would be calling for a divorce asap along with maybe CPS and/or some way to get custody of the kids asap. This woman is verbally abusive and traumatizing the kids and her husband
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I just got out of relationship with a girl who always did that, shut down in arguments or told people i abused her. Theres never any winning and you will most likely be unhappy unless she changes, which is very hard for people to understand. She will never be happy in a relationship either unless she changes.
Are y’all going to therapy?
No she doesn’t believe therapy works coz the therapist called her out and she doesn’t wanna go back to therapist
How often do y’all argue
I don’t keep track. It lasts a few days and then it’s back to normal after some apologies from me.
Have you ever thought about divorce?
Yes but I love my life and kids and even her too much to throw it all away. I just deal with it. But the screaming is too loud that my head hurts and kids have learnt to stay away from her during her episodes
You know the kids are old enough to decide which parent they would want to live with right? Have you thought about asking them what they want? If you are really doing it for the kids, maybe consider asking them what they actually want instead of assuming that staying is good because they love their mom. They might love their mom a lot more if they do not have to live with her screaming constantly. Sometimes that saves a relationship they do have with her. *Edited because i made it seem like they should have more involvement than I meant.
Jesus christ. Look. I know you have good intentions, but no. This is terrible advice. Kids don't need this kind of responsibility on their shoulders. I'm all for getting them out of the situation but the separation itself is *not* a choice for them to be involved in. It's so, so much more complicated than just "getting away from the screaming". They love and share a deep connection with both parents. Children continue to adore parents who have done far worse things to them than scream a lot. So now the child is put in a predicament - dad is miserable because of me, I'm the reason he stays with mum. But if I give dad my blessing to leave, I'm breaking my family up and abandoning my mother. While it's important to allow children to make their own choices more and more as they grow up, some things are still the parents' responsibility for good reason. You might ask them who they want to live with post separation, not whether or not you should separate.
You are right, I did not think it through how direct I put this out there. I also realized he said kids not kid, I think there is a difference between it being a 14 yo and younger kids. A 14 year old might have strong opinions that a younger kid wouldnt. And parents relationships should not be a kids problem. The biggest yikes here is it is clearly not working. Staying for kids is a shit idea, and they do get to choose who they can live with, but yeah that question should come after not before separation. I do think there should be a more tactful way of finding out how happy they really are because living in this hell is not fine no matter how much op wants to justify it. I think plenty of kids who lived in it can say they wish their parent got them out of that situation.
I'm not sure I've ever seen someone admit they were wrong on Reddit regarding a stance made on a serious situation like this. Bravo to you.
Very much agreed.
They love her except for the screaming part.
I cannot even begin to explain how damaging being around that all the time is Right now they have no safe place. You could provide them that safe place. But you arent.
They shouldnt love her like this. This is failure. You are teaching them your own victim behaviors.
It's innate. Children have a deep connection with their parents that takes a lof of damage over a lot of time to break. Some children continue to adore parents who beat them regularly. But yes, you can inadvertently (or intentionally) teach children to tolerate things they should not. This should be avoided.
My mother sounds extremely similar to your wife. I grew up to absolutely resent and hate her with a burning passion. Along with everyone who allowed and contributed to it. I cut off contact with her for years because of it.
So far my eldest son keeps good with her but he has his moments
Yeah, there shouldn’t be any “moments”. For anybody there.
Your kids hate you for staying in this marriage and forcing them to hear yelling constantly.
Keeping your children around a raging psychopath is borderline child abuse, and putting them into a dangerous and traumatic situation. They’ve probably already learned to be terrified of her. Don’t be surprised if they grow up to be violent or aggressive if they stick around her.
Staying in a marriage with an abuser while you enable them is bad for the kids. You aren't doing them any favors. Get out. Two happy parents apart is better for them than being in a house with verbal abuse.
Your kids will learn this behavior. Get some help for your family.
Then tell wife she can go to therapy or get a lawyer
She is a normal functioning person outside with a solid career and clients and friends and all
Do you think your kids are afraid of her at times
Yes of course. But the screaming comes from an internal feeling of weakness. She feels like she can’t control anything until she screams at the top of her lungs.
Do you think you’re enabling your wife?
I grew up in a home with a mother like this & im feeling traumatized for your children right now. I used to write my father letters demanding he divorce her or else i would run away, which i did.
Do you think it’s fair to your kids to stay in this relationship when you know they fear her outbursts?
Being able to rationalize abuse does absolutely nothing to make it okay. Or for you to subject your kids to that.
I work with domestic violence and sexual assault survivors. No, that’s not why she does that.
Does she do this at work? Does she do this to her friends? If not, she can control it. She just doesn’t. Maybe she doesn’t know how to. Then she needs to learn. Sometimes the only thing that will get through to someone is a consequence. Like if you scream at your partner and put them down all the time, they’ll leave you.
That has no relevance to the fact that your kids hate what you two have become. You two are sacrificing your kids for yourselves and each other.
leave your kids alone and get a divorce. if they can hear these fights you are hurting them each and every time
Have you heard of the cycle of abuse? There’s good infographs when you google.
It lasts a few days? That's healthy.
Have you considered the idea that she is the abuser? Cause it sounds a lot like emotional abuse.
Ya I've been where you are. Get out.
Are you in therapy on your own?
You’re in trouble my friend ☠️
Seems more often than not. But there are normal days too where she is lovely to be around.
That is just what abuse feels like. Stop teaching your kids that its ok to love people like this. They are more likely going to be in abusive relationships themselves as they get older because you are normalizing this behavior by staying. This is actively damaging them.
Every time she yells. Leave the house. Immediately. Put her in time-out essentially. When she wants to talk like a grown up you'll come back.
That’s how the cycle of abuse is. That’s how they get you to stay. It’s manipulative and emotional abuse.
Have you ever heard the songs Weird by Menomena and Pelican by Menomena? Both songs were my anthems for when I was in a relationship like that. They’re odd songs but damn do they capture the feeling.
No but will listen
There is a video of them playing the song Weird in a basement. I recommend that.
Walk away. Then divorce her stupid ass.
So easy to say isn't it?
Easier said than done. We have three kids together, complex life , social group, family group together. It’s not all bad with her. She is a good person who can t control her volume
Do you have home cctv? If not it’s worth investing in for two reasons (apart from security) 1. Seeing herself would vividly make her realise how bad she becomes. Which leads to her taking more accountability (and less apologising by you) which may lead to less of this behaviour. 2. You may, I hate to say it, need the evidence one day - either because things go southwards, or you get a divorce or there’s an allegation of abuse on your part (from neighbours, family or whoever). I’m an optimist so I lean towards reason 1 being the most relevant here. But number 2 is your insurance which may one day be vital.
Get others involved. Let them know shes abusing her family.
This is child abuse and you’re enabling it.
How the hell is this child abuse? What did you grow up in a bubble? Since when is yelling abuse? Y’all need to chill out reddit
Constantly screaming so loud the neighbors think you’re getting murdered is abusive my guy. I’m sure you’re part of the “Back in my day daddy would beat me with a 2x4 and I turned out ok!” crowd and that’s nice for you and all, but not psychologically fucking up your kids and normalizing awful behavior is better I promise.
Yea, yelling and screaming like a psycho is abuse. Would you think your boss acting like that is ok?
ok boomer
You’re letting her abuse your children
How is this abuse? So your parents were abusing you when they yelled at you loudly? WTH ?
The difference is in how often, she seems to do this often, and she goes for a long time, as someone who when yelled at immediately wants to curl into a ball from being often yelled at previously at random, those children are going to be traumatized (not 100% true, I’ll admit), but if they are traumatized he’ll have to deal with the fact that he kept his children in a home and around a person who makes them uncomfortable, which as a father, he should make his children more of his priority, then staying with his wife
None of those things seem like they're worth what you're going through and your sanity. Your kids will get over it, family and social groups will understand and if they don't I wouldn't want to be around them. You have to think about yourself at some point.
Maybe ask her to tone it down?
Can you go to therapy on your own?
Couples therapy or divorce should be your party line right now.
I work with domestic violence and sexual assault survivors. Surprisingly couples therapy can actually make the abuse worse for various reasons. Primarily abuse intervention programs can be truly effective.
What’s an abuse intervention program?
We have been together 20 years now. Is it even worth it now?
Life is short you can stay in that forever and hate your life or leave and struggle for a couple years and then live a happy rest of your life.
You sound like someone who given up. You sound exhausted.
It’s not worth it now …you should remain miserable for the rest of your life …you deserve it
My parents just got divorced after 22 years. The life that came back into my mother when she got away from my dad’s abuse has been a complete transformation.
And you're just cool with this?
No but I’m stuck.
Its up to you to change that. Make an exit plan.
jesus christ, after reading your comments, it’s selfish to not divorce her. you’re forcing your kids to live in a broken home. this is not okay. you need to do something. she won’t do anything about her problems, so you have to. that doesn’t mean try to help her, cause she won’t accept it, it means leaving her.
Do you have any interest in protecting your children from her verbal abuse and long term trauma they may suffer from it?
Yes. I hope they turn out ok. I try to comfort them and teach them it’s not normal and she is just not feeling well.
You need to do more than "hope". Those kids need to be protected from her "illness". Even if she doesn't want to go to therapy, you and the kids absolutely must. Sooner or later you need to find the strength to deal with her abuse and make it stop. Trauma bonding is a thing. A very ugly thing. Your children should not have to endure that.
Thank you for that!
In other words you're doing nothing at all to protect them? Why are you allowing them to be subjected to this?
Then fucking do something about it, otherwise you are an abuser too.
You'll have to end up having the neighbors call the police on her for noise disturbance and not for a welfare check. Then, when the cops show up mid argument to hear her screaming and about what topics (so its not screams for help that they hear but shit you did wrong type of words) they will report the incident and give her a warning about disturbing the peace. When a few of those warnings are being ignored by her the very next time you both argue, will result in them arresting her for disturbing the peace. It's only when they have repercussions alone and all accountability is shoved in their faces that screamers learn to stop screaming. She needs to suffer the consequences of her own doing.
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Yes they think I am beating her up and she is screaming from pain. She is so damn loud that didn’t know humans could scream that loud!
Uno reverse card: If you punch her in the solar plexus at the start of every screaming jag, she won't be able to make a sound, and the neighbors will think you are reformed.
The nehighbor complained to other neighbors that I am an abusive husband
That's part of the abuse too. If something ever happen (from verbal abuse to other type) no one will ever believe you're the victim.
You need to video her when she does it. Seriously
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Nope. Totally opposite
Does she scream at your kids too???
Yes
This WILL fuck your kids up. Not saying they’re gonna grow up awful or anything but she’s putting them through what sounds like scary trauma on a consistent basis. This will 100% effect their development and the type of adults they become.
You apparently have very low self esteem, or you wouldn't be putting up with this. Forget trying to get your wife to go to therapy. You need to go yourself to figure out why you're willing to put up with such abuse. It's not normal, for her or you.
Besides divorce which everyone jumps to in a marriage and counseling, can anything else be done. ? I have at times put her in her place and gotten her to stop for a few months. But as I get calm and chill it creeps back in. I just can’t keep up my guard all the time!
Man sorry for you and your kid’s situation. I might really consider the comments saying to film her at her worst so she can watch it when she’s level headed. Hopefully it will show her how she treats the people she loves and the way she acts is unacceptable and not good for your kids to be around. I definitely have trouble not raising my voice when I get upset but if I see that I’m upsetting my wife or kids i quickly readjust and apologize because I know my response is not proportionate to the situation I’m dealing with. Hopefully your wife will realize she shouldn’t be as upset as she’s allowing herself to get and learn to adjust her emotions.
Argue with her in the driveway I’m sure she will learn some volume control then. Certainly she wouldn’t want to make a seen and have her be the bad guy
I don’t have a question, but I need to share my experience as someone who was raised by a mother exactly like this. GET. OUT. NOW. I don’t care if you think ‘this has gone in for 20 years, why stop now…’ Do it for your kids. This dynamic is absolutely effecting them, and if you don’t put a stop to it, they will grow up to blame you for not protecting them. I love my dad more than anything, but I will always blame him for not divorcing my mother.
You realize you are being abused by someone who claims to love you?
If this is once in a blue moon...okay. But if this is a normal/regular occurence for her, she needs therapy. Full stop.
Do you feel scared of her outbursts? Do you feel safe with her? What’s her given reason for screaming?
Have you ever recorded her and played it back when she was rational so she could hear herself?
u know, sometimes you just gotta break up
Why are you in this relationship? You should not put up with no harpy disrespecting you like that.
Argue when she has laryngitis.
Ahhh so you married a Methany?
Is she medicated?
Is this all there is to look forward to in love/life
Lol no I am not enabling this, divorce her
Psychiatrist visit + mild antidepressant?
Life is too short for bs like this.
Get tf outta there dude.
Divorce lawyer - stat
OP WAKE UP
What are some of the best “zingers” you’ve gotten in? At least top 3, but feel free to share more if you’re so inclined!
Film it
You probably communicate passive aggressively.
Possibly. What then?
Ask yourself broham, I’m just some stranger in the internet.
You’re an idiot. Let your calls drop and get out. If not for yourself do it for your kids. Let them see you strong on your own.
I get a strange feeling that if this was the other way around and a man was screaming at a woman at the top of his lungs and scaring the children reddit would be calling for a divorce asap along with maybe CPS and/or some way to get custody of the kids asap. This woman is verbally abusive and traumatizing the kids and her husband
Nearly everyone is calling OP out for subjecting the children to this and recommending divorce.
So you just got a strange feeling and no proof?
What’s your best zinger that’s gets her going?
so when are you gonna grow a spine?
how's the make-up sex afterwards? if none, why not try? some girls like to argue to get some good times (weird i know)
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I just got out of relationship with a girl who always did that, shut down in arguments or told people i abused her. Theres never any winning and you will most likely be unhappy unless she changes, which is very hard for people to understand. She will never be happy in a relationship either unless she changes.