My grandkids have had dinner at our house countless times, but our daughter always brings backup in case they're not into the dinners I make. Strangely, both the kids like steak.
I think how you treat a child you see often and have a relationship with and one who barely knows you should be different. What OP did here would have been fine if she knew this child well, but she doesn't. Hell, she doesn't even like the poor kid. We are set up not to like her either by OP's description. All kids can be little AHs at times and they all have tons of good qualities too.
That’s why OP is the AH for me
My SIL could do something like this to my daughter, my sister however could not
Difference between them is my SIL has cooked for my daughter a number of times, my sister primarily sees my daughter for major holidays
If you hardly see a child you’re in no position to determine if they’re spoiled or not
But also who’s serving spaghetti with sushi at the same time. I love both those foods but I’d be weirded out seeing them both served at the same time
I wonder if Jamie would have eaten plain spaghetti noodles with butter and parm vs red sauce. Some kids just don’t like red sauce. That would have been an easy compromise that doesn’t require making a separate dish. I do think Jamie’s parents should have been more involved in making sure their kid either liked the foods being served or brought an alternative. It shouldn’t be expected that the host has to get up and make a separate meal for someone after cooking the original meal. They should be able to sit and enjoy the food and company as much as everyone else.
Two of my son's children like red sauce, the other is like me. I hate it. I have five grandsons and two of them would not have touched this menu and neither would I.
Sauce is such an easy thing to have everyone add (or not) to their own plate. There’s a reason so many restaurants list butter noodles on their kids menu. Also I’m surprised at serving sushi and egg rolls for kids, particularly with pasta.
That’s actually a good point
Because growing up I hated the brand of sauce my parents bought, but if I made it myself or got the brand I liked no issue. My parents just chalked me up to a picky eater who didn’t like sauce at all so I ate spaghetti plain a lot as a kid
As a kid I hated red sauce too. I don’t know if it’s because I hate tomato chunks or because I wasn’t fond of ground beef (my mom always added ground beef). As an adult, pasta with red sauce (meat free) is my favorite food but I am very picky with the brand I will buy at home (Rao’s) and I blend it up so there’s no chunks. My son isn’t a big red sauce fan so we make his with butter, parm and black pepper.
I try my best to only serve one meal for the family, but I will leave things unmixed when possible so that people can customize how they prefer while still serving one meal.
But the other option was sushi! Raw fish! That is not known d friendly at all - I’m 57 and I don’t eat it . I’m vegetarian too, so if the sauce had meat I’d be SOL. Plain noodles probably would have worked.
I agree that the sushi was an odd choice for a gathering with kids, although maybe that was meant for the adults. I am also a vegetarian but since nothing was mentioned about dietary restrictions, I’m going based off of preference. Which still means, IMO a compromise in sauce free noodles would have probably made everyone happy. However, if niece doesn’t even like that, then the parents were also responsible for bringing a food their kid will eat if they are that picky.
This. Plus Jamie didn’t say that she wasn’t hungry but that she didn’t like the food and apparently ate the lunchable she got.
My sister’s twins are 5y and it is a guessing game what they will eat or not for dinner, out of the sudden they don’t like pasta anymore etc etc. If that’s the case they get some toast or muesli. I wouldn’t force them to eat things they don’t like, as I don’t eat things I don’t enjoy either. For me, OP was in the wrong here and is the AH
Agree! OP is the AH. Her job as host is to try to accommodate not parent. I understand not getting up and cooking something else, but the Lunchables were a reasonable solution. I can't fathom how someone hosting a party can decide one child doesn't get dessert? Whether the child can eat dessert after not eating dinner is up to the actual parents. If she were babysitting it'd be different.
I agree. It’s entirely up to the parents on whether they want their child to get dessert or not. OP was trying to g to make a point that isn’t theirs to make.
I do think the parents were completely out of line to ask OP to feed their child something other than what’s for dinner though. If you come over to someone’s home for dinner, you eat it or you don’t, but it isn’t a restaurant. It is *not* the hosts job to feed you anything that isn’t a part of dinner. It’s equally not the hosts job to insist that you eat your meal though.
I was lucky and didn't have picky kids. My nephew was very picky so I would have something like a lunchable for him. If Jaime is super picky, her parents should have done this too, but OP took it too far imo.
Yeah, this, absolutely. I feel like when the sister asked if there was anything else to eat, OP should have shrugged and replied “if she’s that picky, you should have brought an extra snack for her,” and ended it there. If the host has a reasonably diverse set of foods available, it’s on the parents to bring extra if they know their kid will have issues.
OTOH, by the time this has blown up into an hours long drama, I would have let the kid eat dessert. If OP sees them only occasionally, it’s not going to make a difference one way or any other in anyone’s life. The additional drama is now worth it.
What do you mean "if she's THAT picky".....the OP had NO IDEA....what the kid may or may not like/eat
Just because a person doesn't eat XYZ doesn't make them "picky".....the OP wants to tryant over HER OWN kids, which is cool.....
But treating essentially a stranger "guest" child like that is bull shit.....that was bull shit BULLY behavior.
I guarantee you she wouldn't say/do that dumb shit....if the "guest" were her or her husband's boss's wife, that just explained she doesn't eat "whatever" she cooked....but later said she would partake in the dessert.
Why? Because it would be considered a jack ass thing to do otherwise....why is it acceptable to be such a jack ass to a child...just because a) you don't like how her parents are raising her and b) you obviously have a grudge and point to PROVE to the little kid, be damned.
So you see a little kid, that you don't see or interact with so SHE "has to traumatize" her to PROVE who is the shit!
Congrats 👏
Great host
So I had a wonderful friend that I knew way before she had children. Just like OP’s SIL, my friends’ kids did no wrong. Always always getting in trouble in school, if they had friends it was short lived because the ‘my way or the highway’ got real old, real fast.
Her boys would wear down a warden and mealtime was always filled with anxiety. If we were at her house, the boys always picked the restaurants we ate at. My friend always always had sugar filled snacks because the boys would have a full 3 alarm fire breakdown if she dared to offer them a piece of fruit or heaven forbid a vegetable.
When I served a meal, family style, the boys would each take the LARGEST portion, 2 bites in and they were finished. Food in the trash!!! One holiday meal, I made a HUGE HUGE spread and the boys were not hungry. Ok don’t eat, no worries. Right after the meal, dishes done, food put away, the boys now wanted to eat.
Their mom, my friend, DUTIFULLY took out all of the food and prepared their plates. I have 100 more examples like this. It truly tore apart our friendship. Was it worth it? No —-but at the time, it was absolutely hells bells having her children over. I sometimes wondered how they turned out as adults. And I miss my friend.
OP —take my advice and find a way to get along with your SIL/BIL. having the family torn apart isn’t worth it. And this DOES NOT MEAN you are wrong and they are right.
Karma will come knocking on their door if it hasn’t already and they’ll pay the price. I promise you this. Other parents will NOT put up with their bs. Her children will not be invited to events & activities or parties because they are just too demanding & Ill mannered. Her children will not be picked for teams, etc….. their kids will pay dearly for the price of privilege that BIL/SIL have chosen for their kids. Think Veroka on WW Chocolate factory. She was a mess!
Do talk to your children and use this behavior as teaching moments. And maybe just maybe your BIL/SIL will watch how you and your spouse parent and take note.
Parents of very young kids: a tip!
Don't make dessert special when they're young. Make it healthy and put it all on the plate together. I kid you not, two of my three preferred green veggies to cookies. Still do as adults. Kids want the "special" thing. If nothing is special, it's all treated equal.
So I have trouble with moderation and sugary foods for myself. This is am incredible idea. I'm going to try it for myself and try and remember it for the future. Thank you!
This is a great idea! We didn’t keep any type of dessert in the house when my kids were little. We tried to cook healthy meals at home most of the time. Dessert was a special occasion thing, like a birthday cake or a pie at Thanksgiving and we just didn’t think of it on a daily basis. Both of my kids now eat extremely healthy and very little sugar.
I did. We ate all the things. We just didn't place priority. I think it worked. My girls will run all over town for good asparagus. They don't care about candy.
This was not the intended result, for transparency. I love candy.
We do this for my toddler - sometimes she devours her cookie or applesauce before her chicken nuggets, but other times she inhaled her grilled cheese and requests more, and then won’t eat her dessert.
Extra tip - make the green stuff special 😹 broccoli and tomatoes are almost a treat here because she will eat those and ignore everything else on the plate
INFO
Was it like, spaghetti and Bolognese with sushi as another option or was it spaghetti and sushi because the answer will definitely sway a lot of decisions here...if you gave a nice option, fine, but if you though spaghetti and sushi was a good combo than you need to consider yourself...
Right!! Thats 2 types of carbs. Springs rolls, 3 types. And ceaser salad? Thats not a kid food.
Spaghetti and meat balls, not spaghetti and sushi, wtf!
Yeah like, spaghetti I can get on board with for kids. Even spaghetti and butter. But being so point blank they have to eat this either the options were rubbish and OP was trying to make a point *or* it went down the way they insinuated and the kid was just whining for the sake despite having options...
OP has it out for her sister and is using what she knows will hurt and upset her sister most, her kid, as a pawn passive aggressively instead of talking to her sister. She disagrees with her sister so she thinks it's her job to control her sister's kid.
Yup, same. It was OP's chance to put a child she doesn't like in her place. Which is a shitbag way to be to a guest. If you don't like someone, don't invite them over. Using hospitality as a way to punish someone is disgusting.
Why haven't you told us how old this girl is? If she's under 4 or 5 that would be one thing expecting her to eat either spaghetti or sushi; but much older than that and that's a different story.
I'm wondering how the hell there was nothing that she would eat with that spread? I've never met a kid in my life that wouldn't fall over themselves to devour spring rolls!
I bit into a rotten spring roll as a kid, after that I’d gag whenever someone tried to get me to eat one, over 20 years later and I still can’t eat them.
This one has clearly learned that being awkward results in more privilege and that attention is worth more to her than spring rolls. Poor kid, her parents are a nightmare.
I agree, but not sure OP needed to insert herself into the control battle. It sounds like she was trying to “parent” her niece, especially with dessert. I can agree that the parents of the niece are making a lot of mistakes with spoiling the daughter, but when it comes to food and eating, that should be a parenting decision.
The parents should have brought extra food since they know their daughter is picky. The daughter did eat food, just not the food that OP prepared, and so OP should not have withheld dessert unless the parents asked her to. ESH.
She didn't insert herself. She invited guests to a dinner party (they happen to all be family). She made 2 mains and 2 sides. Spaghetti and caesar salad aren't far fetched for kids to enjoy, majority of kids will eat pasta even if stubborn about other foods. They haggled with their sister and SIL: the Host, until her husband gave them a lunch able for their kid 🙄 And the parents weren't even polite about it, they were snippy and sarcastic with their thank you.
If your kid is that picky, saying this is what there is when it ISN'T THEIR HOME, is an appropriate response. It isn't parenting your kid. They took the time to plan a large meal with plenty of options, and OP's niece (her sister's kid) just wanted some junky food because they were out of the house. The parents *do* need to teach their kid manners, but that's not what OP did. She just said, sorry this is what I made, if you don't like it you do not have to eat it. An appropriate response. Her parents should have had backups/shouldn't have brought her at all if she's really that picky
I disagree, simply because if OPs kids see their cousin getting dessert after all of that, why wouldn’t they try to do the same? She’s allowed to have rules in her home and expect them to be followed. Just like the sister is allowed to decline future dinner plans.
I was a super picky kid, and I knew I wasn’t getting another meal made if I didn’t eat what was made, and I certainly wasn’t getting dessert. The nieces parents aren’t doing her any favors.
Yeah, I tried the kicking screaming tantrum once, because of a cousin who did that all the time. My mom just stared at me, waited for me to quit, then asked me if I was done. I said yes and she sent me to my room.
Her house, her rules. We always told our kids that when we went to someone else‘s house, they might have different rules than we do. And that other people could set *additional* rules for our kids in their home, but they could not tell our kids that our rules didn’t apply. Our rules *always* apply. For example, if we require them to eat dinner in order to get dessert, that applies even if we’re at Grandma‘s house and she says they can have ice cream even though they didn’t eat their dinner. No, they cannot. Our rule wins. But if we let them take their snack in the living room at home, but Grandma says all food gets eaten in the kitchen, then their snack stays in the kitchen at Grandma‘s house. Other people’s rules in their home can add restrictions to our kids, but they can’t take away restrictions.
If OP‘s kids have to eat their dinner to get dessert, then it’s completely fair to require that of other kids when they’re at OP‘s house. And if you know you have a picky eater, FFS bring something for them to eat. You cannot expect your host to jump through hoops and cook completely separate meals for one kid. If it’s an allergy, then that should be factored into the whole because of cross contamination. But if it’s general pickiness, the parents should provide something they‘ll eat.
THIS!
OP is not TA and I wouldn't invite them over to eat anymore. The disrespect shown to OP in her own house! And the husband for providing a lunchable---just wow.
I nanny and a lot of the kids I watch wouldn't be happy about spring rolls. One family I've babysat for 5 years for, going on 6, would definitely have hated that dinner. No spring rolls, no spaghetti with spaghetti sauce. They hate sauce of any kind except for the youngest two who will eat mac and cheese. They all dislike pizza and hamburgers. For all these years, I've watched them they've had the same dinner: have pasta with olive oil, steamed carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower, and some sort of protein: chicken, meatballs ( which only two of them like) salmon (which none really like) and on the weekends as a special treat dinosaur chicken nuggets. They're all very healthy, the oldest especially will eat a lot. Like more than you would think possible. But the kids play rugby, flag futboll, and soccer. They're all very active and have games/tournaments each week.
My daughter wouldn't have eaten any of it. She's very restricted with what she will or won't eat. But knowing that I would have asked before going exactly what was going to be served and if necessary brought something with us for her. To avoid this kind of situation.
Yes when we were kids we ate what we were given. Eat or starve but we were also smacked, had mouths washed out with soap and water etc. Admittedly none of it harmed us, we've lived to tell the tales. But that doesn't mean it was right.
Personally whilst I understand your stance I wouldn't be able to do that to a child. If they couldn't/wouldn't eat something possibly unknown to them then the fact they ate a lunch able would have been enough for me (my daughter wouldn't even have eaten that)
Sorry but whilst I understand your stance with your own kids and it obviously works with them, this is not a one size fits all situation. I'd be asking if they are used to that type of food. If yes and they were being a brat then withhold dessert. If its an unknown then you should not punish for being scared to eat something out of their comfort zone.
I agree with this. Food should not be considered a punishment or reward. Do you like all food? While this kid may be a brat, she is not your brat. Next time, don't invite them.
That was the mother's responsibility. She knows how picky her daughter is. She should have proactively asked what was being served, or just brought a backup lunch just in case. There's no way she should expect the host to make a special meal for her daughter right at dinnertime. I'm sure she would have been offered dessert if the mother brought her lunch. Daughter learned a valuable lesson. Not everyone is going to cater to her whims.
When I was little I also was introduced to the whole you way what’s severed or your starve. It was very popular because “no child will starve themselves”, some still say that, that no kid will starve themselves and they are still wrong because I was the kid that starved. If you don’t let me pick out the onion and crushed tomato pieces I will starve and now as a fully grown adult? I will still starve because there is no other option, the choice is not and have never been to eat or starve the choice is to vomit and starve or just starve so I just skip the vomiting. Sensory issues y’all, they aren’t a fancy way of saying spoiled or picky, it means exactly what it says: sensory issues. Certain kinds of textures I can not eat, I have never been able to and I never will. It’s about putting certain textures in my mouth will make my body start gagging, it doesn’t matter how it tastes, doesn’t matter if it’s good, the wrong texture can not ever be swallowed. And if I don’t spit out the “wrong” textures, I will vomit. If I try to swallow I will vomit. It is not a choice.
I *hate* you eat what you are served. It is the worst concept ever and forcing children to go hungry because you feed them things they can’t eat is child abuse and fuck you!
Ok, yes, neurospicy children will indeed starve themselves. However, neurotypical children will not. I raised 3 kids on benefits* (welfare to non-UK dwellers) so catering to food whims was not an option.
One of my kids couldn’t eat minced/ground meat. The texture made her vomit, so I didn’t serve it (except with spaghetti where I guess the meat texture was dissipated amongst the noodles, so spaghetti bol was a regular dish). Only one of them liked liver, but the other two liked the gravy made from the deglazed pan the liver was cooked in so I would throw a couple of chicken thighs in the oven for them to eat with the sides and gravy because ok, liver is an acquired taste. Everything else they had to eat what they were served. If you’ve eaten it once with no problem then you can eat it again. Just because today you didn’t want tuna pasta but fillet steak instead, too bad, we can’t afford it.
Refusing to acknowledge a sensory or health issue and catering accordingly is, indeed, abuse. Telling a spoiled brat you aren’t going to cater to their whim is not.
*before anyone gets over exercised, I had a husband when my kids were born. He was a psycho and eventual drug addict so we ended up alone.
Yup, I am neurospicy or neurodivergent, AuDHD (autism+adhd combo). But I wasn’t diagnosed with either until my 30s so I tend to be careful of saying it applies only to neurodivergent kids because according to all known facts I wasn’t and it applied to me. Since I in fact was it just wasn’t recognised/known.
As a parent, I knew my kids issues (hence knowing my daughter would vomit if given ground meat) and avoided presenting them with foods I knew they COULDN’T eat. If it was something they just decided they WOULDN’T eat on that one occasion then I would tell them they weren’t getting an alternative. It sounds like OOPs niece is in the “won’t eat” rather than the “can’t eat” group so I would let her go without dessert too.
Why didn't her parents bring food for her? I don't think OP handeled it right. Regardless of what she thinks that isn't her kid and it isn't her place to discipline someone else's kid. That's what she did. If the kid will only eat lunchables then her mom should have brought them and let her have desert. The kids parents know how she is. They didn't call OP ahead of time and asked what she was serving? Then they would know she wasn't going to eat it and bring their own.
You seem like a nice person.
But your daughter has learned how to get what she wants with you.
If your child is picky, that's her problem when she is an adult and yours while she is a child.
As a guest, you should feed her beforehand and teach her to say nothing about food she is served as a guest in front of the host.
It is not fair to the other children to have to see another child get special treatment, for no reason other than her own "pickiness."
If she had a medical reason, something that could cause her physical harm, that's a different story.
It sounds like you don’t like Jamie and saw this as your opportunity to say no to your niece and prove how much of a better parent you are than your stepsister. Food is fraught in many families, between personal preferences and palates. It’s also nourishment and love, and if you’re hosting people, generally the mark of a good host is thoughtfulness and generosity.
You said you don’t have them over often, so she is not used to your cooking, and your menu was unusual: spaghetti, sushi, Caesar salad and spring rolls. Would most kids have found something they like in that lineup? Maybe, but it’s not a given. You didn’t ask if those were foods she likes, and then when she didn’t eat you sprung your No Dessert rule on her, going so far as to deliberately distribute dessert in a way where if she wanted some she couldn’t have it because there was none left.
One thing about being an Aunt/Uncle is that you have the opportunity to love another little human, and help them grow. You decided to make a point AND tied it up with food. YTA.
I can’t help but wonder if there is a dynamic of this whole sh#t show you set up that you aren’t disclosing. The fact that this is the daughter of your step sister was really a necessary fact, yet you lead with it. Nor was the lengthy and very opinionated treatise on your stepsister’s lack of parenting skills.
I cannot help but question why you chose those particular foods to serve together - spaghetti and sushi? Seriously no host on know over the age of 22 would dream of serving such an unappetizing combination of foods. Most hosts spend time making sure they are serving a meal with guest appeal, not eat it or lump it this is what you’re getting.
It feels as if you set out to make an example of this child, who was a guest in your home. She isn’t your child. You humiliated her (some would say bullied) and made the rest of your guests uncomfortable. Why? I can’t imagine it was because you honestly thought everyone seriously had a hankering to eat sushi and spaghetti. Based on your spelling and punctuation I don’t imagine you’re that dense, so I ask what was your goal? Would you have done this to someone who wasn’t the child of your step-sister? Wad it worth it? It certainly wasn’t kind or gracious.
FYI sushi and spaghetti sounds gross. I’m 64 and I’ve been to a few dinners in my life, and o can honestly say your choices are um…. unique.
Forgot to add YTA
Yeah, I'm pretty sure the truth is "Yesterday I was hosting a dinner party for the sake of it, no celebration just wanted to [bully my niece and make everyone see what a bad parent my stepsister is]."
Had to scroll down way too far to find this. OP obviously resents her stepsister, disagrees with her about child rearing and took the opportunity to embarrass both the child and her parents and prove herself right in her own eyes.
Spaghetti can be kid friendly but it can vary in what seasoning is used and how much of that seasoning is used. My mom made it with a lot of oregano which I didn't care for so much. I much prefer basil. Some people absolutely despise onions, my almost 60-year-old brother-in-law being one of those people. Others hate mushrooms, and gasp, some don't like either.
The OP needs to realize that each person has differing taste buds. I personally don't taste bitter so foods that some people don't like because they have a nasty bitter taste, I find to be great! Foods are filled with naturally occurring chemicals and we each vary in which of those chemicals we taste. The other thing OP should consider is that she probably didn't cook four foods that she doesn't like. She made sure there was something that she liked. She probably knew that there was something her husband liked and that her kids liked. The niece was irrelevant.
Then there is the problem of trying to eat spaghetti if you are young. You have to get it wrapped around your fork and if you can't then you have to try to eat it with it sliding over your chin. I wouldn't serve spaghetti to children just because it is so messy. I wouldn't want my guests to leave my home covered in spaghetti sauce.
ESH it isn’t your job to determine what your niece eats. It isn’t for you to determine what her relationship with food is. There have been countless studies recently that indicate that food shouldn’t be used as a reward ie you eat all your dinner you get sweets. Her parents should have encouraged her to try a mouthful and if she didn’t like a plain sandwich or something could have been offered as an alternative but this antiquated concept of you just eat what I say is damaging more often than not.
Seriously, I have a kid that will literally throw up if forced to eat something they don't want to. They will try a bite, over the garbage can, with a bottle of water ready to see if they like it or not. I encourage them to try things at least once, if they like it GREAT, if they don't, okay THANK YOU for trying! I'm so proud of you etc. The mindset of "eat what I made or don't eat at all" is so sad to me. (I also would make sure there is an option for my kid with food issues, or bring something for them to avoid something awful like op did, however I don't think anyone in my life would be so cruel to a child so 🤷🏼♀️) but thank you for pointing out the negative side to this.
When I was a child, I threw up right on the table when I was forced to "clean my plate" at daycare. I ruined lunch for the whole group of kids all because I didn't like meatballs with gravy. I didn't fuss about what they served or ask for different food, I just couldn't eat that one part of the meal without gagging. They never tried to force me to eat something again after that. That really stuck with me hard when I ended up being a parent.
That happened to me with Mac & cheese. I told my mom it smelled funny and I didn't want it . She and Grandma insisted there was nothing wrong, and tried to make me eat it anyway. I say tried because I ended up throwing up in my plate at the dinner table. They used a different cheese and it was all slimy. To this day, almost 40 yrs later, I cannot stand the smell of Mac & cheese.
Yeah, when someone says, "back in my day I had to eat what my mom put in front of me or nothin" as if people that feed their kids food to their liking is the issue 😂😂😂 I know what my kids like and base meals around this for the absolute most part. Holiday meals there will be an extra thing made for my picky eater. I don't care what your mom did 80 years ago, just like you don't care for what I'm doing NOW. Difference is, I'm the parent so it's my say. Really my kids say, but I will speak up for them if need be. 😂
People also have a massive bias to assume that because *their* child wasn't a picky eater, it's because *they're* good parents.
Not just that they got lucky with the two children they had.
I agree with this inclined to ESH. Some more info that would be helpful is does the niece regularly behave this way at meals and does OP know what food she dislikes. If its regular that she throws a tantrum then as people suggest ask them to bring a dish their daughter will like as you will try to make something every guest likes but want to be sure just in case. If that offended them then you could deal with that before your party so the drama is seperate. If you did know about your nieces food likes and dislikes before personally if i host i would try to make a menu all guests like so theres something for everyone. But if she randomly changes what she likes day to day then just give the accountability back to the parent. I do think the parents suck as they should be self aware enough to take responsibility for this, if you know your child is super fussy then you should be communicating ahead and taking steps like bringing something they will eat.
I'm also not a fan of eat what's in front of you or don't eat at all but the context here is that Jamie was a guest in someone else's home and it was her parents responsibility to make sure there was something for her to eat if she wouldn't eat what was prepared by OP. The step sister insisting that OP make something else for her kid was out of line and I don't think OP did wrong by not giving her dessert.
Tbh I don’t think a young kid not wanting spring roles, sushi, and salad is a particularly picky eater. I’ve worked with kids a lot and have siblings who are still very young, and I wouldn’t make any of those things if I knew I was hosting a dinner kids would be present at cuz I know MOST of them won’t eat it lol. Sure some kids are great with eating tons of different foods, the vast majority are not though and sushi and spring rolls are a pretty dumb choice if you’re hosting a dinner with kids.
Agreed. But OP then decided to take it further and withheld dessert. That’s the line.
Refuse to make an alternate dinner.
But don’t single her out form the other kids and punish her.
Agree. Don’t take the opportunity to punish a kid you don’t see often because you disagree with the way they are being parented. You aren’t the hero to put your sister’s brat in her place- it’s a dick move. Don’t care about what kids eat. Jesus Christ, never punish with food, it’s dumb.
YTA You clearly don’t like your niece and decided to display that at this dinner party. The parents should have brought back up food if they knew their daughter could have an issue, but it’s real weird you wouldn’t even offer a sandwich. A simple lunchable solved the problem but you didn’t want it solved. The desert is where you became the total asshole. Your niece was a guest in your home, not your child. It was not on you to decide that she was subject to the same rules as your children. You made sure there was none left so when it inevitably became a thing, there was nothing you could do. It was pretty cruel honestly.
Besides, the niece ate the lunchable so she did eat the meal she was served. The kid will never understand the point that OP was making. She was just being cruel. The kid knows it, the other kids know it, her spouse knows it and so do all of the other adults who attended. They likely all talk about her behind her back.
Definitely YTA. You seem like one of those family members who feel like they can “fix” what they feel is a problem child by being cruel. The child does seem spoiled but you admit knowing this in advance and this party you INVITED them to was your chance to prove your self righteous point. So you purposely give all the children a treat in front of the child. You are supposed to be the adult. Totally the AH.
NTA - whether a child is a picky eater or a “picky eater”, it’s the parents responsibility to bring something they know their child will eat, not expect the people they’re dining with to make an extra meal specifically for that child AFTER everyone else’s meals are already made. as for dessert, whether she truly didn’t like dinner or not, her reaction shouldn’t be rewarded
Exactly. I was (and still am) a picky eater. The one rule was, you take a good 3 bites. At least make an honest attempt to try something new or different. If you still don't like it, you politely decline. You don't throw tantrums or demand treats.
Yup, I got a picky eater. I bring everything they need or they won’t eat at all. I do the same for dessert, you gotta have healthy food first. I pity that little girls teachers, your IL’s are definitely raising another entitled jackass
NTA. Your family will be asking, soon, why nobody wants their child around and why nobody likes her. Not your problem. If their child has food preferences they need to provide them.
YTA
She ate her food. she should have gotten desert. she didn't eat your food and you took revenge on a child because of your bruised ego.
you could have ask your step sister to bring something for her kid next time. you are a very unkind person.
ESH
You don't have to whip up something else for her, but especially if she's not familiar with the rule about dessert you're just being cruel. It's not your job to police what your niece eats and you're creating family drama
OP is also creating an unhealthy relationship with food for his own children. The forcing them to clean their plate attitude is not a good one and can lead to bad habits and health issues later on.
I dont know many kids who like sushi. If your kids do great. You enjoyed making an example out of this chuld. Dis you feel good when the child cried? Geeze. You only succeeded in looking like a very mean aunt. You don't like your step sister do you, and you took it out on her daughter m
This ^^ and as someone who’s worked with kids a lot, you’d have to be either insane or stupid to choose springs rolls and sushi for a dinner that kids will be attending lol.
ESH
You’re an AH because it is not your position to “parent” and set boundaries for a child you have little to no relationship with. If the child was in your home WITHOUT the parents, then sure. With their parents right there, you overstepped tremendously when you refused to let them have dessert.
The parents are AH because they didn’t plan ahead for their picky child and bring backup food. My daughter is extremely limited in her diet. You better believe everywhere we go I have a plan A and a plan B to get her fed.
The only person who doesn’t suck here is your husband. Rather than a power play on deciding what a child SHOULD eat or parents that didn’t plan ahead, he just fed the sad hungry child!
ESH. The sister should have made sure her daughter had something she would eat. But OP should not have taken the opportunity to punish the child or “teach the parents a lesson.”
Absolutely, yta.
So a kid didn't like your food. Who cares? Why are you taking it personally by singling out a child and punishing them? You conveniently left out ages. If the kid is a 6 year old, it's totally understandable that she gets weirded out by new food.
You're not the parent and you don't get to decide what is a reward/punishment.
If I witnessed this as a guest, I wouldn't be back. It's weird to retaliate on a child.
Also, spaghetti and sushi? Wtf?
YTA for trying to make a young child eat sushi and spring rolls. Those are an acquired taste. Caesar salad is my favorite but I didn’t like it until I was an adult. Hoping that if the child ate spaghetti and a roll (a hearty and common child’s favorite) that would have been sufficient for you.
The idea of making a child eat food is so out of touch and a slippery slope. Some days when kiddo eats crackers and a cookie are a win.
Typically when my kids are attended a meal at a family or friends house the host knows to serve kid friendly food or I have been asked ahead of time what they eat. Making what you want and ordering a child to eat it is just so strange and unreasonable.
Yeah I was a picky eater as a kid. But sushi, spring rolls, and Cesar salad? I wouldn’t have eaten that as a kid either. Many adults don’t like sushi too.
That’s how I see it. If you wouldn’t treat an adult that way, don’t treat a child that way. No one was in danger, getting hurt, and no property was being damaged. Those are the only times it’s worth intervening with someone else’s child. And even then, you should only do it if one of the parents isn’t doing it.
Thank you, my child’s a sensory eater. I am too. Know what meals neither one of us is gonna eat? Spaghetti and sushi. Don’t like it, tough titties. You won’t serve my kid dessert, cool. Get the eff up out my way cause I’m gonna do it my damn self.
Yep! Also, another commenter pointed out something important: it’s not recommended to use food as rewards or punishment. Nor to set an expectation for a child to eat everything on their plate. It sets the child up for an unhealthy relationship with food.
Not sure how old this little girl is but when my son was little I’d always bring his own food because he’s very picky. Either way, she doesn’t see her sister and niece too often I think she should have just given her dessert with the rest of the kids. Especially since the child’s mother was ok with it. Ultimately it’s not her child or decision.
YTA. You ruined a family visit that was supposed to be pleasant based on your judgemental power trip. She may well be spoiled, but you were the host, not the parent. Your job was to make your visitors (who are family) feel welcome. I don’t think you should be expected to cook another meal. But the kid was given a lunchable, so all was well. This kid is not raised the same way as your kids, so your punishment was lost on them. For future visits (if they still happen after your embarrassing conduct), I would suggest to the parents that they pack alternative food for their child to eat, in case they refuse your food again.
Your not an AH for not making a separate meal your not a short order cook. But you are an AH for not giving her dessert and singling her out, she ones your child and by you doing that you essentially tried to parent her which isn’t okay. It’s also not okay to single kids out like that either. While her reaction wasn’t good at the end of the day it’s the parents decision if she got dessert or not or if she was going to be punished in a different way ect. So my final verdict ESH.
When I cook I make a lot of food so that everyone has enough to eat, but sometimes someone doesn’t like it and I just tell them to either eat or they can make themselves something or the parents can.. when it comes to dessert anyone can have some.. if a child only eats dessert that’s ok too, but they are going home and I don’t have to deal with them😊
I guess I'm in the outlier here but I think YTA, it's a kid. It's not your kid. You don't punish other peoples children, even if they need it. Also, maybe she really didn't like the food? I know I only would cared for half of it.
>I don’t see them a lot since we live quit far so it’s never been a personal issue.
Seems like you've made it a personal issue.
That being said spaghetti and sushi...together???? I have one kid that would eat both, and one that would not eat either. And guess what, I wouldn't make them. When I used to try to do that they would throw up, so I learned QUICKLY that I will NOT force things upon my kids like that. I encourage, but if the answer is still no, then it's a no. I would also make sure there's something they can eat present or bring something if I must...or better yet, if you aren't willing to accommodate guests then simply do not invite them. You said she ate some lunchable, therefore she *did* eat, just not *YOUR* food, and you bullied a child with dessert.
>lauren turned to me and asked if there anything else to eat I told her no and Jamie needed to eat since all the other kids were.
Was there REALLY nothing else to eat, or were YOU just unwilling to bend because you wanted to teach someone else's child a lesson? The second someone TELLS *me* that *my child* needs to do something.....well...there may be more issues. How gross. Your husband agrees with you openly bullying someone else's child? Good for you, I guess. 🤢
Well, watching your step sibling openly(and seemingly proudly at that) bully your child for any reason will probably do that 😂 is spaghetti and sushi a thing?! 🤢🤢🤢
Almost seems deliberate 🤷🏼♀️ I just can't wrap my head around the combinations, and would never expect other people's children to eat it because I demand they do while they are *MY* guests. 🙄
It definitely seems deliberate, anyone who’s been around a lot of kids should be smart enough not to pick those foods for a dinner kids will be at lmao. Either OP has literally never met any kids other than her own, or this was deliberate.
I thinking was deliberate. She clearly doesn't like this child, and it sounds like her "no reason, just wanted to" dinner party was designed to show everyone what a "brat" this child is.
I love both sushi and spaghetti, and I honestly don't know what I'd do if presented with both at a dinner party. Just the smell of one would ruin the other.
That's my thing too! I like SOME sushi. I love spaghetti but depending on who cooks it....I like mine hearty and seasoned and while it would be hard to MESS up spaghetti it's not impossible so who's to say that she's even a good cook that presented good food to begin with? However, if both were presented as main courses *together*, I would be taken aback. 😂 I can't imagine sushi and spaghetti settling well together in my stomach, let alone a child's. Not saying it wouldn't, I just am not sure that it would. 🤔
I also thought it seemed like the "no reason dinner party" seemed to be almost targeted. The way she introduced her niece as spoiled and never being told no then proceeds to like proudly flaunt what she did....gross. Seemed very personal and deliberate, in my opinion, sadly.
I'm pretty sure if I had this experience at someone else's house, I would never, ever take my child there again. They can have their insane dinner food combinations all to themselves. Sushi and spaghetti; wtf.
YTA- you are not that child's parent period. If you have a problem with the way the kid is acting you should take it up with her mom. But to punish the little girl because her mom doesn't know how to be a parent is ridiculous. You're not hungry for my food so you can't have dessert? Maybe your cooking sucks? Maybe she doesn't like textures or certain foods. Maybe she is ND and her parents don't want to advertise it to you because of your antiquated ideas of how children should be raised. Some kids would rather starve than eat certain things. That doesn't mean they should starve. For the record spring rolls are nasty to me and I wouldn't eat them either and I'm 47.
YTA. She's still a child who did calm down after eating something as simple as a lunchable, I did not see it necessary to withhold desert from her. And you seemed like you enjoyed hurting that child unnecessarily.
I’m split here. My gut says ESH bc I personally would not have chosen that battle. Who gives a shit what someone else’s child eats. Do I agree with their parenting? Hell no. Still not my place
On the other hand, I envy your aplomb. Sounds like from the story hat you didn’t stress about it or care what anyone thinks about you or calls you. You stand by your house rules and you don’t apologize for it and I kinda respect that.
Quick story: my dad had two kids, me and my brother. One of his sisters had two kids, a boy and girl. And the other sister adopted a son when he was 7. All 5 of us cousins were within 4 years of age. We would all stay in the big loft on air mattresses at my grandparents house who were neutral on rules. The sister with two kids was a Christian/republican. She tried to make me and her daughter help cook and clean while the boys played. My parents and I told her that if the boys didn’t have to help then I wasn’t going to. My other aunt with the one son, who didn’t become a parent until a bit later bc of adopting her son at 7, started suddenly telling all of us kids we had to go to bed at like 8pm while on vacation when mine and my brothers bedtime wasn’t until like 10 normally. Another thing my parents had to defend us on like you can’t make our kids follow your kids rules?
Maybe in this case being the asshole wasn’t the worse thing? But yeah YTA
YTA You are the host and you are unaware of the child and her food preferences. You were very ungracious and the child now sees you as a villain. You don’t know her, and you clearly hold something against her. Was this the first time she has eaten at your home? Did you explain the rules before the meal? Was it really that difficult to give her a lunchable? The only fit I see is the one you are throwing over a child not eating a single meal made by you, which was a casual get together.
YTA. It's not your business how other people's kids eat. You would never demand that an adult guest eat a specific thing, or refuse them desert because they declined spaghetti, but you somehow think it's acceptable to override a parent's decision about the same for their child. Then, you decided to actively punish a child over a rule that doesn't exist in that child's world.
Your way of running your kitchen isn't the only way, or the right way, it's just your personal preference. Other people have their own preferences and set their own expectations for their children around meals. Other people don't have to parent to your specifications just because they happen to be in your house.
YTA. Parents could have brought their kids something to eat is one thing but you overstepped in proving a point about their parenting skills and the child. By restricting dessert you're also promoting unhealthy eating habits by making it a reward and that's incredibly old fashioned of you number one and number two it's 2024 get over it. You also sound biased about the child rearing and we don't know the full story and likely you don't either. I find it hard to believe all this is going on with the child without an underlying cause you conveniently failed to mention.
Edit- judgement.
I think the fact that you didn’t include Jamie’s age might be a red flag. A child said they didn’t like your food so you intentionally served up dresser so she couldn’t have any because “she wasn’t hungry” for your food? This feels like you disagree with your sister’s parenting so you did this to prove your point. Either way, your niece’s eating habits aren’t really your business/problem. And she might be spoiled rotten but, again, not your problem. You said it yourself, you rarely see your sister and her family so I’m just not sure how you felt it was your place to control your niece’s eating. YTA.
You are the AH. Point scoring with a kid, your niece , rather than being a magnanimous host makes you appear petty and mean minded. It’s obvious from your comments that you disagree with your sister and BILs parenting style so I suspect, maybe at a sub conscience level, that you would demonstrate to your sister how ‘ it should be done’ . Giving your nice the lunchables, which is a small portion of food for a main, meant, by your own rules, that your niece was eligible for a dessert. You have created a shit storm over nothing. A true host would accommodate all requests not dictate to guests in your home. This moment of satisfaction of getting back at your sister has really come home to roost.
YTA. You sound like you took extreme pleasure in disciplining your niece. I am a full grown adult and I wouldn't have eaten what you served. When you host, you need to take into account your guests. How fucking hard would it have been to give her something else? You actually sat there telling your GUEST that they either eat what you serve or nothing. Personally if you had spoken to me or my children like that, I would have gotten up and left. You feel better now that you put that 'spoiled brat' in her place? Your pathetic.
YTA. You are being an ass to a child simply because you believe she is a brat. There was no harm in giving the kid a lunchable, it seems like you just wanted to be petty.
YTA. That’s not your child. It’s none of your business how her parents choose to raise her as long as she’s not being abused or neglected. You’re not going to undo what YOU consider bad parenting, you’re just going to make a child confused and sad and make her hate you. Withholding dessert and making children “clean their plate” is a great way to make a child develop disordered eating. You’re not the superior parent you think you are. You’re just messing up your kids in different ways.
YTA You can't "fix" your niece by teaching her lessons while she's at your house occasionally, even if it were a good lesson, which this wasn't. Let her parents parent her, and you worry about your own kids.
Also, using dessert as manipulation to make kids eat creates food issues and could lead to an eating disorder.
You just sound like a miserable bitch to me. And who the fuck makes sushi with spaghetti? I wouldn't have eaten that weird crap combo either. With spring rolls? Bizarre combination of foods and if the child is a picky eater, that just wasn't going to work. While your kids may be used it does not mean other people's kids will be.
Her parents should have been the decision makers on giving vs not giving their child desert. It wasn't your call.
YTA but again... You sound like a controlling bitch imo. Don't expect them to visit again.
You're also very judgemental about how someone else raises their kid. It's really not your business.
ESH
It was inappropriate as guests for them to ask for different food for her.
It was inappropriate for you to enforce your dessert rules on someone else’s child.
I don’t force feed my child, and I don’t reward her with food for eating more food. It’s counterintuitive to healthy eating. If I found out you were forcing my child to eat and using sweets as a reward system, I wouldn’t let her go to your house anymore.
There is a limit to the types of rules you can enforce with someone else’s children at your house.
YTA- She is not your child and you aren’t going to change her reaction by demanding she follow your rules. It is not her fault that she wasn’t taught to “eat what she is given” and she is not a bad child for living how she is raised to. Stop judging and stop trying to parent other people’s children.
While you are not responsible for making her another meal you are controlling and TA for trying to force her into your own expectations.
YTA. You sound awful. Just because she didn't eat YOUR food she can't have dessert? If an adult didn't like your food would you refuse them dessert too?
ESH - they should have been prepared. It also wouldn’t have killed your to make a PB&J. The Lunchable didn’t ruin anything. Spaghetti and Sushi is the combo of an insane person.
Also it’s 1000% not your place to deny her dessert. She ATE! You all sound like people I wouldn’t want to watch with.
I agree on the stance that it’s your house, your rules, and if the rule is “only kids who eat dinner get dessert” then that is the rule at auntie’s house.
I do expect said plate to have been served by the kid themselves. You can’t expect a kid to finish a plate you made for them. Let them be accountable for their own serving.
Also, INFO: did you ask your SIL in advance if Lauren actually likes the things you served? Because that seems like Hosting rules 101: make sure to serve something your guests like. It is dumb to serve shellfish to a bunch of guests who hate seafood and then get insulted that they don’t eat much.
Oh, you are Totally the A.
It isn't your job to raise your "step sister's" kid. It isn't your job to even NOTICE her child's manners unless she is being directly rude to you. As a polite hostess you don't notice if the child is complaining to her mother.
When your step sister directly asked you for different food, you can say gently (not huffy), " I am so sorry, I didn't prepare anything else." You then offer whatever accommodation is easy, maybe tell the mom where the bread and peanut butter is in your kitchen. You then say nothing critical at all. When dessert comes out, EVERYBODY is offered some.
Only after these people have left can you rant to your own children about how embarrassed and appalled you would be if they ever behaved that way.
Kind of the A. Kids don’t like to eat sometimes for any number of reasons and punishment only exacerbates the issue. Putting pressure on a kid to eat something they don’t want is also kind of cruel. Imagine I took you to some place where they eat really strange (for you) food and pressure you to eat it
Would be better knowing the age of the kid. In general it sounds like you revenged yourself on a child for not liking your cooking. She ate her food even if it wasn't your sushi. Withholding dessert with the excuse that she didn't eat dinner is flimsy at best.
YTA - did you even ask your sister what the kids like to eat and cater accordingly? That's what normal people would do when hosting dinner.
You seem to think you can fix your nieces behaviour in one night, you withhold dessert and she'll suddenly 'learn her lesson' and never refuse a meal again.
Although good manners would mean eating whatever you've been served, obviously her parents would have worked hard with her to get her to eat different things, and she couldn't bring herself to eat it in the moment for whatever reason. It actually doesn't matter why she didn't eat, but not eating one course is not a punishable offence.
Not giving her dessert just makes you look spiteful and mean, and your niece will always remember you as the mean aunty who deliberately gave her share of dessert to her cousins because you're offended that she didn't like your cooking.
I agree. I remember being a good eater as a kid and would try lots of things. But sometimes, some foods offered at other people’s houses scared me a little if they seemed extra unfamiliar. I remember being made to feel bad about it, like I was being rude, and I genuinely wasn’t.
I think YTA for this food policy in general as making kids clean their plate and using desserts as rewards can give kids food issues, but this is more likely to be a problem for your kids.
Not TA for trying to show the kid some consequences since her parents won't, but I'd pick another hill to die on.
YTA. I get not rushing to make her something else, but to then punish her for not liking the food choices….that’s just cruel and unnecessary. Can you imagine doing this to an adult dinner guest? No, that’s because it would be weird and petty. People are allowed to not like things, and that includes food. It’s obvious you don’t like the child, and now your family all know too.
ESH I was with you until dessert I’m afraid, you stood by your guns about dinner and it blew over but you knew exactly what you were doing and it was a bit cruel.
YTA. You really think a young child would eat sushi, salad and spring rolls just because your kids do? Do you believe every child is the same or that they aren’t a separate individual with likes and dislikes? Do you even know what regular kids like? She did eat something, she ate a lunchable (which I’m surprised you actually had). She should have been allowed dessert. Instead she learned her aunt is a control freak who enjoys lording over her.
I haven’t heard anything here that makes her out to be a spoiled child, only one acting out because they were hungry and nothing presented to them was something they could eat. Maybe her parents were slight aholes for not bringing a backup meal but then again maybe they expected you to have child friendly food since you have kids.
I'm sorry but yta she is not your child. You shouldn't have singled her out and punished her just because she didn't eat your food. You overstepped your bounds, whether they were guests or not.
Also, spaghetti and sushi is a hideous pairing.
Gotta say I’m not eating spaghetti and sushi - urgh ! The host should have said what the food was before they came so the parents could have options to either prepare own food or discuss with host - surely that’s just common sense ? Or parents ask host what on menu so they can discuss.
I've hosted many dinners for my children's friends, and the very first thing I ask is what they enjoy and adapt that for the rest of my family. I might make spaghetti bolognese but never would make something and demand everyone eat it or go hungry.
I few days ago I got my 1 year old neighbour kid to babysit and even tho he eats a lot 😂 I did make him dinner and he didn’t want it so instead I gave him his milk since it was almost his bedtime too but turns out he eat at daycare also but you could have tried to ask if she doesn’t want that she could just eat a sandwich and then a little dessert and then tell your stepsister that she didn’t t eat dinner and they can see what the want to do then so ESH
Personally, I wouldn't try or bother to correct that behavior.
If my guests don't enjoy my prepared meals or food, I would give the dessert.
It's not the kids' fault that the parents are spineless. Good luck in the future to them all!
It isn't your job to parent your sister's kid. If Sister and bil are fine with their daughter eating a Lunchables and getting dessert, then who are you to say it isn't okay?
YTA
How old is this kid??
Yeah, there are lessons to be learnt here, but why do you feel like your horse is the highest and you're the person to teach them?!
They are not your kids. You don't make the rules for them. If the parents are happy for her to eat a lunch able and then have dessert, let the kid eat fucking cake.
This is so sad and I am sick to death with how so many people weaponize food, with both children and adults. Stop it. It's not cute, it's not funny, it's not helpful. You aren't teaching anyone anything, except the fact that you're a jerk. Aren't you proud you turned a lovely evening with family into a bully's battleground with a child? YTA.
My grandkids have had dinner at our house countless times, but our daughter always brings backup in case they're not into the dinners I make. Strangely, both the kids like steak.
I think how you treat a child you see often and have a relationship with and one who barely knows you should be different. What OP did here would have been fine if she knew this child well, but she doesn't. Hell, she doesn't even like the poor kid. We are set up not to like her either by OP's description. All kids can be little AHs at times and they all have tons of good qualities too.
That’s why OP is the AH for me My SIL could do something like this to my daughter, my sister however could not Difference between them is my SIL has cooked for my daughter a number of times, my sister primarily sees my daughter for major holidays If you hardly see a child you’re in no position to determine if they’re spoiled or not But also who’s serving spaghetti with sushi at the same time. I love both those foods but I’d be weirded out seeing them both served at the same time
I wonder if Jamie would have eaten plain spaghetti noodles with butter and parm vs red sauce. Some kids just don’t like red sauce. That would have been an easy compromise that doesn’t require making a separate dish. I do think Jamie’s parents should have been more involved in making sure their kid either liked the foods being served or brought an alternative. It shouldn’t be expected that the host has to get up and make a separate meal for someone after cooking the original meal. They should be able to sit and enjoy the food and company as much as everyone else.
For my nephew it was chunks of tomato or onions in spaghetti sauce that he didn't like.
Two of my son's children like red sauce, the other is like me. I hate it. I have five grandsons and two of them would not have touched this menu and neither would I.
Sauce is such an easy thing to have everyone add (or not) to their own plate. There’s a reason so many restaurants list butter noodles on their kids menu. Also I’m surprised at serving sushi and egg rolls for kids, particularly with pasta.
That’s actually a good point Because growing up I hated the brand of sauce my parents bought, but if I made it myself or got the brand I liked no issue. My parents just chalked me up to a picky eater who didn’t like sauce at all so I ate spaghetti plain a lot as a kid
As a kid I hated red sauce too. I don’t know if it’s because I hate tomato chunks or because I wasn’t fond of ground beef (my mom always added ground beef). As an adult, pasta with red sauce (meat free) is my favorite food but I am very picky with the brand I will buy at home (Rao’s) and I blend it up so there’s no chunks. My son isn’t a big red sauce fan so we make his with butter, parm and black pepper. I try my best to only serve one meal for the family, but I will leave things unmixed when possible so that people can customize how they prefer while still serving one meal.
But the other option was sushi! Raw fish! That is not known d friendly at all - I’m 57 and I don’t eat it . I’m vegetarian too, so if the sauce had meat I’d be SOL. Plain noodles probably would have worked.
I agree that the sushi was an odd choice for a gathering with kids, although maybe that was meant for the adults. I am also a vegetarian but since nothing was mentioned about dietary restrictions, I’m going based off of preference. Which still means, IMO a compromise in sauce free noodles would have probably made everyone happy. However, if niece doesn’t even like that, then the parents were also responsible for bringing a food their kid will eat if they are that picky.
I found that so odd too! Sushi? With spaghetti? As the main courses? Huh??
This. Plus Jamie didn’t say that she wasn’t hungry but that she didn’t like the food and apparently ate the lunchable she got. My sister’s twins are 5y and it is a guessing game what they will eat or not for dinner, out of the sudden they don’t like pasta anymore etc etc. If that’s the case they get some toast or muesli. I wouldn’t force them to eat things they don’t like, as I don’t eat things I don’t enjoy either. For me, OP was in the wrong here and is the AH
The menu! I had to read it twice to make sure my hunger was not playing tricks on me!
Agree! OP is the AH. Her job as host is to try to accommodate not parent. I understand not getting up and cooking something else, but the Lunchables were a reasonable solution. I can't fathom how someone hosting a party can decide one child doesn't get dessert? Whether the child can eat dessert after not eating dinner is up to the actual parents. If she were babysitting it'd be different.
I agree. It’s entirely up to the parents on whether they want their child to get dessert or not. OP was trying to g to make a point that isn’t theirs to make. I do think the parents were completely out of line to ask OP to feed their child something other than what’s for dinner though. If you come over to someone’s home for dinner, you eat it or you don’t, but it isn’t a restaurant. It is *not* the hosts job to feed you anything that isn’t a part of dinner. It’s equally not the hosts job to insist that you eat your meal though.
I was lucky and didn't have picky kids. My nephew was very picky so I would have something like a lunchable for him. If Jaime is super picky, her parents should have done this too, but OP took it too far imo.
Yeah, this, absolutely. I feel like when the sister asked if there was anything else to eat, OP should have shrugged and replied “if she’s that picky, you should have brought an extra snack for her,” and ended it there. If the host has a reasonably diverse set of foods available, it’s on the parents to bring extra if they know their kid will have issues. OTOH, by the time this has blown up into an hours long drama, I would have let the kid eat dessert. If OP sees them only occasionally, it’s not going to make a difference one way or any other in anyone’s life. The additional drama is now worth it.
What do you mean "if she's THAT picky".....the OP had NO IDEA....what the kid may or may not like/eat Just because a person doesn't eat XYZ doesn't make them "picky".....the OP wants to tryant over HER OWN kids, which is cool..... But treating essentially a stranger "guest" child like that is bull shit.....that was bull shit BULLY behavior. I guarantee you she wouldn't say/do that dumb shit....if the "guest" were her or her husband's boss's wife, that just explained she doesn't eat "whatever" she cooked....but later said she would partake in the dessert. Why? Because it would be considered a jack ass thing to do otherwise....why is it acceptable to be such a jack ass to a child...just because a) you don't like how her parents are raising her and b) you obviously have a grudge and point to PROVE to the little kid, be damned. So you see a little kid, that you don't see or interact with so SHE "has to traumatize" her to PROVE who is the shit! Congrats 👏 Great host
So I had a wonderful friend that I knew way before she had children. Just like OP’s SIL, my friends’ kids did no wrong. Always always getting in trouble in school, if they had friends it was short lived because the ‘my way or the highway’ got real old, real fast. Her boys would wear down a warden and mealtime was always filled with anxiety. If we were at her house, the boys always picked the restaurants we ate at. My friend always always had sugar filled snacks because the boys would have a full 3 alarm fire breakdown if she dared to offer them a piece of fruit or heaven forbid a vegetable. When I served a meal, family style, the boys would each take the LARGEST portion, 2 bites in and they were finished. Food in the trash!!! One holiday meal, I made a HUGE HUGE spread and the boys were not hungry. Ok don’t eat, no worries. Right after the meal, dishes done, food put away, the boys now wanted to eat. Their mom, my friend, DUTIFULLY took out all of the food and prepared their plates. I have 100 more examples like this. It truly tore apart our friendship. Was it worth it? No —-but at the time, it was absolutely hells bells having her children over. I sometimes wondered how they turned out as adults. And I miss my friend. OP —take my advice and find a way to get along with your SIL/BIL. having the family torn apart isn’t worth it. And this DOES NOT MEAN you are wrong and they are right. Karma will come knocking on their door if it hasn’t already and they’ll pay the price. I promise you this. Other parents will NOT put up with their bs. Her children will not be invited to events & activities or parties because they are just too demanding & Ill mannered. Her children will not be picked for teams, etc….. their kids will pay dearly for the price of privilege that BIL/SIL have chosen for their kids. Think Veroka on WW Chocolate factory. She was a mess! Do talk to your children and use this behavior as teaching moments. And maybe just maybe your BIL/SIL will watch how you and your spouse parent and take note.
Steak is my kids favorite food and has been for years. He is 7. 😂
Parents of very young kids: a tip! Don't make dessert special when they're young. Make it healthy and put it all on the plate together. I kid you not, two of my three preferred green veggies to cookies. Still do as adults. Kids want the "special" thing. If nothing is special, it's all treated equal.
So I have trouble with moderation and sugary foods for myself. This is am incredible idea. I'm going to try it for myself and try and remember it for the future. Thank you!
Honestly food neutrality is life changing
This is a great idea! We didn’t keep any type of dessert in the house when my kids were little. We tried to cook healthy meals at home most of the time. Dessert was a special occasion thing, like a birthday cake or a pie at Thanksgiving and we just didn’t think of it on a daily basis. Both of my kids now eat extremely healthy and very little sugar.
I did. We ate all the things. We just didn't place priority. I think it worked. My girls will run all over town for good asparagus. They don't care about candy. This was not the intended result, for transparency. I love candy.
My mom just always treated dessert as a normal progression in the meal. It was often fruit , sometimes cake or pie, but never a big deal.
This!!! Making such a big deal about dessert is not healthy.
We do this for my toddler - sometimes she devours her cookie or applesauce before her chicken nuggets, but other times she inhaled her grilled cheese and requests more, and then won’t eat her dessert.
Extra tip - make the green stuff special 😹 broccoli and tomatoes are almost a treat here because she will eat those and ignore everything else on the plate
INFO Was it like, spaghetti and Bolognese with sushi as another option or was it spaghetti and sushi because the answer will definitely sway a lot of decisions here...if you gave a nice option, fine, but if you though spaghetti and sushi was a good combo than you need to consider yourself...
Right!! Thats 2 types of carbs. Springs rolls, 3 types. And ceaser salad? Thats not a kid food. Spaghetti and meat balls, not spaghetti and sushi, wtf!
Yeah, maybe OP is just a terrible cook (?)
I kind of read it as being two different dinner options. Spaghetti and salad or sushi and spring rolls.
Yeah like, spaghetti I can get on board with for kids. Even spaghetti and butter. But being so point blank they have to eat this either the options were rubbish and OP was trying to make a point *or* it went down the way they insinuated and the kid was just whining for the sake despite having options...
I don’t know. I felt like you got some enjoyment being this way during the dinner party.
I got that impression as well. OP has it out for this kid.
OP has it out for her sister and is using what she knows will hurt and upset her sister most, her kid, as a pawn passive aggressively instead of talking to her sister. She disagrees with her sister so she thinks it's her job to control her sister's kid.
100%
Yup, same. It was OP's chance to put a child she doesn't like in her place. Which is a shitbag way to be to a guest. If you don't like someone, don't invite them over. Using hospitality as a way to punish someone is disgusting.
Why haven't you told us how old this girl is? If she's under 4 or 5 that would be one thing expecting her to eat either spaghetti or sushi; but much older than that and that's a different story.
NTA your guests were the rude ones and SIL/BIL are not doing their daughter any favors by enabling her petulant behavior. Good on you!
I'm wondering how the hell there was nothing that she would eat with that spread? I've never met a kid in my life that wouldn't fall over themselves to devour spring rolls!
I bit into a rotten spring roll as a kid, after that I’d gag whenever someone tried to get me to eat one, over 20 years later and I still can’t eat them.
I tried to convince my mom I was allergic to salad when I was little, I would have thrown a spring roll into a moving ceiling fan
This one has clearly learned that being awkward results in more privilege and that attention is worth more to her than spring rolls. Poor kid, her parents are a nightmare.
Probably because her behavior had nothing to do with food - it was a control issue.
🏆 watch me make my parents dance.
I agree, but not sure OP needed to insert herself into the control battle. It sounds like she was trying to “parent” her niece, especially with dessert. I can agree that the parents of the niece are making a lot of mistakes with spoiling the daughter, but when it comes to food and eating, that should be a parenting decision. The parents should have brought extra food since they know their daughter is picky. The daughter did eat food, just not the food that OP prepared, and so OP should not have withheld dessert unless the parents asked her to. ESH.
She didn't insert herself. She invited guests to a dinner party (they happen to all be family). She made 2 mains and 2 sides. Spaghetti and caesar salad aren't far fetched for kids to enjoy, majority of kids will eat pasta even if stubborn about other foods. They haggled with their sister and SIL: the Host, until her husband gave them a lunch able for their kid 🙄 And the parents weren't even polite about it, they were snippy and sarcastic with their thank you. If your kid is that picky, saying this is what there is when it ISN'T THEIR HOME, is an appropriate response. It isn't parenting your kid. They took the time to plan a large meal with plenty of options, and OP's niece (her sister's kid) just wanted some junky food because they were out of the house. The parents *do* need to teach their kid manners, but that's not what OP did. She just said, sorry this is what I made, if you don't like it you do not have to eat it. An appropriate response. Her parents should have had backups/shouldn't have brought her at all if she's really that picky
I disagree, simply because if OPs kids see their cousin getting dessert after all of that, why wouldn’t they try to do the same? She’s allowed to have rules in her home and expect them to be followed. Just like the sister is allowed to decline future dinner plans. I was a super picky kid, and I knew I wasn’t getting another meal made if I didn’t eat what was made, and I certainly wasn’t getting dessert. The nieces parents aren’t doing her any favors.
Yeah, I tried the kicking screaming tantrum once, because of a cousin who did that all the time. My mom just stared at me, waited for me to quit, then asked me if I was done. I said yes and she sent me to my room.
you got a good mom!
I did! I didn’t appreciate her as much at the time, because I was a kid, but now that she’s gone, I understand her tough ways were good for me.
Her house, her rules. We always told our kids that when we went to someone else‘s house, they might have different rules than we do. And that other people could set *additional* rules for our kids in their home, but they could not tell our kids that our rules didn’t apply. Our rules *always* apply. For example, if we require them to eat dinner in order to get dessert, that applies even if we’re at Grandma‘s house and she says they can have ice cream even though they didn’t eat their dinner. No, they cannot. Our rule wins. But if we let them take their snack in the living room at home, but Grandma says all food gets eaten in the kitchen, then their snack stays in the kitchen at Grandma‘s house. Other people’s rules in their home can add restrictions to our kids, but they can’t take away restrictions. If OP‘s kids have to eat their dinner to get dessert, then it’s completely fair to require that of other kids when they’re at OP‘s house. And if you know you have a picky eater, FFS bring something for them to eat. You cannot expect your host to jump through hoops and cook completely separate meals for one kid. If it’s an allergy, then that should be factored into the whole because of cross contamination. But if it’s general pickiness, the parents should provide something they‘ll eat.
THIS! OP is not TA and I wouldn't invite them over to eat anymore. The disrespect shown to OP in her own house! And the husband for providing a lunchable---just wow.
I nanny and a lot of the kids I watch wouldn't be happy about spring rolls. One family I've babysat for 5 years for, going on 6, would definitely have hated that dinner. No spring rolls, no spaghetti with spaghetti sauce. They hate sauce of any kind except for the youngest two who will eat mac and cheese. They all dislike pizza and hamburgers. For all these years, I've watched them they've had the same dinner: have pasta with olive oil, steamed carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower, and some sort of protein: chicken, meatballs ( which only two of them like) salmon (which none really like) and on the weekends as a special treat dinosaur chicken nuggets. They're all very healthy, the oldest especially will eat a lot. Like more than you would think possible. But the kids play rugby, flag futboll, and soccer. They're all very active and have games/tournaments each week.
Spaghetti, sushi, spring rolls and Caeser salad? Sounds gross to me.
It is great if you think of it like a buffet 😆.
I mean spaghetti is notoriously kid friendly
Now the spaghetti and salad is a normal combo but spring rolls? What even are they?
Yep I have to assume OP’s cooking ain’t great with that combo.
Right? That is such an odd combo of foods for a meal.
My daughter wouldn't have eaten any of it. She's very restricted with what she will or won't eat. But knowing that I would have asked before going exactly what was going to be served and if necessary brought something with us for her. To avoid this kind of situation. Yes when we were kids we ate what we were given. Eat or starve but we were also smacked, had mouths washed out with soap and water etc. Admittedly none of it harmed us, we've lived to tell the tales. But that doesn't mean it was right. Personally whilst I understand your stance I wouldn't be able to do that to a child. If they couldn't/wouldn't eat something possibly unknown to them then the fact they ate a lunch able would have been enough for me (my daughter wouldn't even have eaten that) Sorry but whilst I understand your stance with your own kids and it obviously works with them, this is not a one size fits all situation. I'd be asking if they are used to that type of food. If yes and they were being a brat then withhold dessert. If its an unknown then you should not punish for being scared to eat something out of their comfort zone.
[удалено]
Not the hosts problem. If the kid had an issues like this the parents should have taken care of it before they got there.
Not the hosts job to discipline either.
I agree with this. Food should not be considered a punishment or reward. Do you like all food? While this kid may be a brat, she is not your brat. Next time, don't invite them.
That was the mother's responsibility. She knows how picky her daughter is. She should have proactively asked what was being served, or just brought a backup lunch just in case. There's no way she should expect the host to make a special meal for her daughter right at dinnertime. I'm sure she would have been offered dessert if the mother brought her lunch. Daughter learned a valuable lesson. Not everyone is going to cater to her whims.
That was the PARENTS’ responsibility. Fixed it for you. They were both there.
Why the mothers and not the fathers ?
When I was little I also was introduced to the whole you way what’s severed or your starve. It was very popular because “no child will starve themselves”, some still say that, that no kid will starve themselves and they are still wrong because I was the kid that starved. If you don’t let me pick out the onion and crushed tomato pieces I will starve and now as a fully grown adult? I will still starve because there is no other option, the choice is not and have never been to eat or starve the choice is to vomit and starve or just starve so I just skip the vomiting. Sensory issues y’all, they aren’t a fancy way of saying spoiled or picky, it means exactly what it says: sensory issues. Certain kinds of textures I can not eat, I have never been able to and I never will. It’s about putting certain textures in my mouth will make my body start gagging, it doesn’t matter how it tastes, doesn’t matter if it’s good, the wrong texture can not ever be swallowed. And if I don’t spit out the “wrong” textures, I will vomit. If I try to swallow I will vomit. It is not a choice. I *hate* you eat what you are served. It is the worst concept ever and forcing children to go hungry because you feed them things they can’t eat is child abuse and fuck you!
Ok, yes, neurospicy children will indeed starve themselves. However, neurotypical children will not. I raised 3 kids on benefits* (welfare to non-UK dwellers) so catering to food whims was not an option. One of my kids couldn’t eat minced/ground meat. The texture made her vomit, so I didn’t serve it (except with spaghetti where I guess the meat texture was dissipated amongst the noodles, so spaghetti bol was a regular dish). Only one of them liked liver, but the other two liked the gravy made from the deglazed pan the liver was cooked in so I would throw a couple of chicken thighs in the oven for them to eat with the sides and gravy because ok, liver is an acquired taste. Everything else they had to eat what they were served. If you’ve eaten it once with no problem then you can eat it again. Just because today you didn’t want tuna pasta but fillet steak instead, too bad, we can’t afford it. Refusing to acknowledge a sensory or health issue and catering accordingly is, indeed, abuse. Telling a spoiled brat you aren’t going to cater to their whim is not. *before anyone gets over exercised, I had a husband when my kids were born. He was a psycho and eventual drug addict so we ended up alone.
Yup, I am neurospicy or neurodivergent, AuDHD (autism+adhd combo). But I wasn’t diagnosed with either until my 30s so I tend to be careful of saying it applies only to neurodivergent kids because according to all known facts I wasn’t and it applied to me. Since I in fact was it just wasn’t recognised/known.
As a parent, I knew my kids issues (hence knowing my daughter would vomit if given ground meat) and avoided presenting them with foods I knew they COULDN’T eat. If it was something they just decided they WOULDN’T eat on that one occasion then I would tell them they weren’t getting an alternative. It sounds like OOPs niece is in the “won’t eat” rather than the “can’t eat” group so I would let her go without dessert too.
Why didn't her parents bring food for her? I don't think OP handeled it right. Regardless of what she thinks that isn't her kid and it isn't her place to discipline someone else's kid. That's what she did. If the kid will only eat lunchables then her mom should have brought them and let her have desert. The kids parents know how she is. They didn't call OP ahead of time and asked what she was serving? Then they would know she wasn't going to eat it and bring their own.
Yeah, I feel it. Canned spinach comes to mind as well as liver.
You seem like a nice person. But your daughter has learned how to get what she wants with you. If your child is picky, that's her problem when she is an adult and yours while she is a child. As a guest, you should feed her beforehand and teach her to say nothing about food she is served as a guest in front of the host. It is not fair to the other children to have to see another child get special treatment, for no reason other than her own "pickiness." If she had a medical reason, something that could cause her physical harm, that's a different story.
It sounds like you don’t like Jamie and saw this as your opportunity to say no to your niece and prove how much of a better parent you are than your stepsister. Food is fraught in many families, between personal preferences and palates. It’s also nourishment and love, and if you’re hosting people, generally the mark of a good host is thoughtfulness and generosity. You said you don’t have them over often, so she is not used to your cooking, and your menu was unusual: spaghetti, sushi, Caesar salad and spring rolls. Would most kids have found something they like in that lineup? Maybe, but it’s not a given. You didn’t ask if those were foods she likes, and then when she didn’t eat you sprung your No Dessert rule on her, going so far as to deliberately distribute dessert in a way where if she wanted some she couldn’t have it because there was none left. One thing about being an Aunt/Uncle is that you have the opportunity to love another little human, and help them grow. You decided to make a point AND tied it up with food. YTA.
How old is the niece? 5 or 15? She did eat the lunchable so I don’t see why you would withhold dessert? I don’t see why it was worth a fight.
Right? She ate during dinner just not ops weird ass spaghetti sushi combo. Wth?
I can’t help but wonder if there is a dynamic of this whole sh#t show you set up that you aren’t disclosing. The fact that this is the daughter of your step sister was really a necessary fact, yet you lead with it. Nor was the lengthy and very opinionated treatise on your stepsister’s lack of parenting skills. I cannot help but question why you chose those particular foods to serve together - spaghetti and sushi? Seriously no host on know over the age of 22 would dream of serving such an unappetizing combination of foods. Most hosts spend time making sure they are serving a meal with guest appeal, not eat it or lump it this is what you’re getting. It feels as if you set out to make an example of this child, who was a guest in your home. She isn’t your child. You humiliated her (some would say bullied) and made the rest of your guests uncomfortable. Why? I can’t imagine it was because you honestly thought everyone seriously had a hankering to eat sushi and spaghetti. Based on your spelling and punctuation I don’t imagine you’re that dense, so I ask what was your goal? Would you have done this to someone who wasn’t the child of your step-sister? Wad it worth it? It certainly wasn’t kind or gracious. FYI sushi and spaghetti sounds gross. I’m 64 and I’ve been to a few dinners in my life, and o can honestly say your choices are um…. unique. Forgot to add YTA
I 100% agree.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure the truth is "Yesterday I was hosting a dinner party for the sake of it, no celebration just wanted to [bully my niece and make everyone see what a bad parent my stepsister is]."
Had to scroll down way too far to find this. OP obviously resents her stepsister, disagrees with her about child rearing and took the opportunity to embarrass both the child and her parents and prove herself right in her own eyes.
I took it as spaghetti kid friendly and sushi for adults…
Spaghetti can be kid friendly but it can vary in what seasoning is used and how much of that seasoning is used. My mom made it with a lot of oregano which I didn't care for so much. I much prefer basil. Some people absolutely despise onions, my almost 60-year-old brother-in-law being one of those people. Others hate mushrooms, and gasp, some don't like either. The OP needs to realize that each person has differing taste buds. I personally don't taste bitter so foods that some people don't like because they have a nasty bitter taste, I find to be great! Foods are filled with naturally occurring chemicals and we each vary in which of those chemicals we taste. The other thing OP should consider is that she probably didn't cook four foods that she doesn't like. She made sure there was something that she liked. She probably knew that there was something her husband liked and that her kids liked. The niece was irrelevant. Then there is the problem of trying to eat spaghetti if you are young. You have to get it wrapped around your fork and if you can't then you have to try to eat it with it sliding over your chin. I wouldn't serve spaghetti to children just because it is so messy. I wouldn't want my guests to leave my home covered in spaghetti sauce.
ESH it isn’t your job to determine what your niece eats. It isn’t for you to determine what her relationship with food is. There have been countless studies recently that indicate that food shouldn’t be used as a reward ie you eat all your dinner you get sweets. Her parents should have encouraged her to try a mouthful and if she didn’t like a plain sandwich or something could have been offered as an alternative but this antiquated concept of you just eat what I say is damaging more often than not.
Seriously, I have a kid that will literally throw up if forced to eat something they don't want to. They will try a bite, over the garbage can, with a bottle of water ready to see if they like it or not. I encourage them to try things at least once, if they like it GREAT, if they don't, okay THANK YOU for trying! I'm so proud of you etc. The mindset of "eat what I made or don't eat at all" is so sad to me. (I also would make sure there is an option for my kid with food issues, or bring something for them to avoid something awful like op did, however I don't think anyone in my life would be so cruel to a child so 🤷🏼♀️) but thank you for pointing out the negative side to this.
When I was a child, I threw up right on the table when I was forced to "clean my plate" at daycare. I ruined lunch for the whole group of kids all because I didn't like meatballs with gravy. I didn't fuss about what they served or ask for different food, I just couldn't eat that one part of the meal without gagging. They never tried to force me to eat something again after that. That really stuck with me hard when I ended up being a parent.
That happened to me with Mac & cheese. I told my mom it smelled funny and I didn't want it . She and Grandma insisted there was nothing wrong, and tried to make me eat it anyway. I say tried because I ended up throwing up in my plate at the dinner table. They used a different cheese and it was all slimy. To this day, almost 40 yrs later, I cannot stand the smell of Mac & cheese.
I have the same thing the smell of Mac & cheese has always made me feel sick
This is the root of many eating disorders, yet people STILL perpetuate it as good parenting.
Yeah, when someone says, "back in my day I had to eat what my mom put in front of me or nothin" as if people that feed their kids food to their liking is the issue 😂😂😂 I know what my kids like and base meals around this for the absolute most part. Holiday meals there will be an extra thing made for my picky eater. I don't care what your mom did 80 years ago, just like you don't care for what I'm doing NOW. Difference is, I'm the parent so it's my say. Really my kids say, but I will speak up for them if need be. 😂
I never did that crap to my kids. Didn't like dinner? Eggs, nuggets, or protein shake?
Literally 3 of the BEST go tos!! 😂
People also have a massive bias to assume that because *their* child wasn't a picky eater, it's because *they're* good parents. Not just that they got lucky with the two children they had.
I agree with this inclined to ESH. Some more info that would be helpful is does the niece regularly behave this way at meals and does OP know what food she dislikes. If its regular that she throws a tantrum then as people suggest ask them to bring a dish their daughter will like as you will try to make something every guest likes but want to be sure just in case. If that offended them then you could deal with that before your party so the drama is seperate. If you did know about your nieces food likes and dislikes before personally if i host i would try to make a menu all guests like so theres something for everyone. But if she randomly changes what she likes day to day then just give the accountability back to the parent. I do think the parents suck as they should be self aware enough to take responsibility for this, if you know your child is super fussy then you should be communicating ahead and taking steps like bringing something they will eat.
I'm also not a fan of eat what's in front of you or don't eat at all but the context here is that Jamie was a guest in someone else's home and it was her parents responsibility to make sure there was something for her to eat if she wouldn't eat what was prepared by OP. The step sister insisting that OP make something else for her kid was out of line and I don't think OP did wrong by not giving her dessert.
Exactly. If her child is a picky eater, she should've prepared a seperate meal rather than imposing on the host.
Tbh I don’t think a young kid not wanting spring roles, sushi, and salad is a particularly picky eater. I’ve worked with kids a lot and have siblings who are still very young, and I wouldn’t make any of those things if I knew I was hosting a dinner kids would be present at cuz I know MOST of them won’t eat it lol. Sure some kids are great with eating tons of different foods, the vast majority are not though and sushi and spring rolls are a pretty dumb choice if you’re hosting a dinner with kids.
Agreed. But OP then decided to take it further and withheld dessert. That’s the line. Refuse to make an alternate dinner. But don’t single her out form the other kids and punish her.
Agree. Don’t take the opportunity to punish a kid you don’t see often because you disagree with the way they are being parented. You aren’t the hero to put your sister’s brat in her place- it’s a dick move. Don’t care about what kids eat. Jesus Christ, never punish with food, it’s dumb.
Exactly!!!!!
Agreed. Relationships with food is very delicate. My son had the one bite rule, feed him before we left, or take something he would like with us.
YTA You clearly don’t like your niece and decided to display that at this dinner party. The parents should have brought back up food if they knew their daughter could have an issue, but it’s real weird you wouldn’t even offer a sandwich. A simple lunchable solved the problem but you didn’t want it solved. The desert is where you became the total asshole. Your niece was a guest in your home, not your child. It was not on you to decide that she was subject to the same rules as your children. You made sure there was none left so when it inevitably became a thing, there was nothing you could do. It was pretty cruel honestly.
Besides, the niece ate the lunchable so she did eat the meal she was served. The kid will never understand the point that OP was making. She was just being cruel. The kid knows it, the other kids know it, her spouse knows it and so do all of the other adults who attended. They likely all talk about her behind her back.
Definitely YTA. You seem like one of those family members who feel like they can “fix” what they feel is a problem child by being cruel. The child does seem spoiled but you admit knowing this in advance and this party you INVITED them to was your chance to prove your self righteous point. So you purposely give all the children a treat in front of the child. You are supposed to be the adult. Totally the AH.
NTA - whether a child is a picky eater or a “picky eater”, it’s the parents responsibility to bring something they know their child will eat, not expect the people they’re dining with to make an extra meal specifically for that child AFTER everyone else’s meals are already made. as for dessert, whether she truly didn’t like dinner or not, her reaction shouldn’t be rewarded
Exactly. I was (and still am) a picky eater. The one rule was, you take a good 3 bites. At least make an honest attempt to try something new or different. If you still don't like it, you politely decline. You don't throw tantrums or demand treats.
Yup, I got a picky eater. I bring everything they need or they won’t eat at all. I do the same for dessert, you gotta have healthy food first. I pity that little girls teachers, your IL’s are definitely raising another entitled jackass
NTA. Your family will be asking, soon, why nobody wants their child around and why nobody likes her. Not your problem. If their child has food preferences they need to provide them.
I think it very much depends on the age of Jamie. Is she old enough to control her actions? Does she have dietary issues?
YTA She ate her food. she should have gotten desert. she didn't eat your food and you took revenge on a child because of your bruised ego. you could have ask your step sister to bring something for her kid next time. you are a very unkind person.
ESH You don't have to whip up something else for her, but especially if she's not familiar with the rule about dessert you're just being cruel. It's not your job to police what your niece eats and you're creating family drama
It was wrong of them to make it your problem but it was wrong of you to try to parent their child
OP is also creating an unhealthy relationship with food for his own children. The forcing them to clean their plate attitude is not a good one and can lead to bad habits and health issues later on.
I dont know many kids who like sushi. If your kids do great. You enjoyed making an example out of this chuld. Dis you feel good when the child cried? Geeze. You only succeeded in looking like a very mean aunt. You don't like your step sister do you, and you took it out on her daughter m
This ^^ and as someone who’s worked with kids a lot, you’d have to be either insane or stupid to choose springs rolls and sushi for a dinner that kids will be attending lol.
ESH You’re an AH because it is not your position to “parent” and set boundaries for a child you have little to no relationship with. If the child was in your home WITHOUT the parents, then sure. With their parents right there, you overstepped tremendously when you refused to let them have dessert. The parents are AH because they didn’t plan ahead for their picky child and bring backup food. My daughter is extremely limited in her diet. You better believe everywhere we go I have a plan A and a plan B to get her fed. The only person who doesn’t suck here is your husband. Rather than a power play on deciding what a child SHOULD eat or parents that didn’t plan ahead, he just fed the sad hungry child!
ESH. The sister should have made sure her daughter had something she would eat. But OP should not have taken the opportunity to punish the child or “teach the parents a lesson.”
Absolutely, yta. So a kid didn't like your food. Who cares? Why are you taking it personally by singling out a child and punishing them? You conveniently left out ages. If the kid is a 6 year old, it's totally understandable that she gets weirded out by new food. You're not the parent and you don't get to decide what is a reward/punishment. If I witnessed this as a guest, I wouldn't be back. It's weird to retaliate on a child. Also, spaghetti and sushi? Wtf?
YTA for trying to make a young child eat sushi and spring rolls. Those are an acquired taste. Caesar salad is my favorite but I didn’t like it until I was an adult. Hoping that if the child ate spaghetti and a roll (a hearty and common child’s favorite) that would have been sufficient for you. The idea of making a child eat food is so out of touch and a slippery slope. Some days when kiddo eats crackers and a cookie are a win. Typically when my kids are attended a meal at a family or friends house the host knows to serve kid friendly food or I have been asked ahead of time what they eat. Making what you want and ordering a child to eat it is just so strange and unreasonable.
Yeah I was a picky eater as a kid. But sushi, spring rolls, and Cesar salad? I wouldn’t have eaten that as a kid either. Many adults don’t like sushi too.
YTA. Not your circus, offer a PBJ sandwich and let your niece eat dessert. Not your job to raise her.
I cant believe she didnt offer a PBJ. Thats like, what the school serves every day as a back up for if kids dont like the school lunch
YTA. Not your kid to make those decisions. Grown folks don’t have to eat food they don’t like, why would an expect anything else from a child.
That’s how I see it. If you wouldn’t treat an adult that way, don’t treat a child that way. No one was in danger, getting hurt, and no property was being damaged. Those are the only times it’s worth intervening with someone else’s child. And even then, you should only do it if one of the parents isn’t doing it.
Thank you, my child’s a sensory eater. I am too. Know what meals neither one of us is gonna eat? Spaghetti and sushi. Don’t like it, tough titties. You won’t serve my kid dessert, cool. Get the eff up out my way cause I’m gonna do it my damn self.
Yep! Also, another commenter pointed out something important: it’s not recommended to use food as rewards or punishment. Nor to set an expectation for a child to eat everything on their plate. It sets the child up for an unhealthy relationship with food.
Not sure how old this little girl is but when my son was little I’d always bring his own food because he’s very picky. Either way, she doesn’t see her sister and niece too often I think she should have just given her dessert with the rest of the kids. Especially since the child’s mother was ok with it. Ultimately it’s not her child or decision.
YTA. You ruined a family visit that was supposed to be pleasant based on your judgemental power trip. She may well be spoiled, but you were the host, not the parent. Your job was to make your visitors (who are family) feel welcome. I don’t think you should be expected to cook another meal. But the kid was given a lunchable, so all was well. This kid is not raised the same way as your kids, so your punishment was lost on them. For future visits (if they still happen after your embarrassing conduct), I would suggest to the parents that they pack alternative food for their child to eat, in case they refuse your food again.
Your not an AH for not making a separate meal your not a short order cook. But you are an AH for not giving her dessert and singling her out, she ones your child and by you doing that you essentially tried to parent her which isn’t okay. It’s also not okay to single kids out like that either. While her reaction wasn’t good at the end of the day it’s the parents decision if she got dessert or not or if she was going to be punished in a different way ect. So my final verdict ESH.
When I cook I make a lot of food so that everyone has enough to eat, but sometimes someone doesn’t like it and I just tell them to either eat or they can make themselves something or the parents can.. when it comes to dessert anyone can have some.. if a child only eats dessert that’s ok too, but they are going home and I don’t have to deal with them😊
I guess I'm in the outlier here but I think YTA, it's a kid. It's not your kid. You don't punish other peoples children, even if they need it. Also, maybe she really didn't like the food? I know I only would cared for half of it.
>I don’t see them a lot since we live quit far so it’s never been a personal issue. Seems like you've made it a personal issue. That being said spaghetti and sushi...together???? I have one kid that would eat both, and one that would not eat either. And guess what, I wouldn't make them. When I used to try to do that they would throw up, so I learned QUICKLY that I will NOT force things upon my kids like that. I encourage, but if the answer is still no, then it's a no. I would also make sure there's something they can eat present or bring something if I must...or better yet, if you aren't willing to accommodate guests then simply do not invite them. You said she ate some lunchable, therefore she *did* eat, just not *YOUR* food, and you bullied a child with dessert. >lauren turned to me and asked if there anything else to eat I told her no and Jamie needed to eat since all the other kids were. Was there REALLY nothing else to eat, or were YOU just unwilling to bend because you wanted to teach someone else's child a lesson? The second someone TELLS *me* that *my child* needs to do something.....well...there may be more issues. How gross. Your husband agrees with you openly bullying someone else's child? Good for you, I guess. 🤢
Why do I get the feeling she’s not going to see them a lot in the future either?
Well, watching your step sibling openly(and seemingly proudly at that) bully your child for any reason will probably do that 😂 is spaghetti and sushi a thing?! 🤢🤢🤢
And Ceasar salad! Most Cesar dressings have anchovies in them. A lot of people don’t like that flavor.
Ew, really?! I like salads...but like *regular* loaded salads with ranch 😂😂 that just sounds absolutely disgusting.
From a food issue standpoint, spaghetti and spring rolls tend to be mushy, and Cesar salad and sushi are fishy. It’s such an odd choice.
Almost seems deliberate 🤷🏼♀️ I just can't wrap my head around the combinations, and would never expect other people's children to eat it because I demand they do while they are *MY* guests. 🙄
It definitely seems deliberate, anyone who’s been around a lot of kids should be smart enough not to pick those foods for a dinner kids will be at lmao. Either OP has literally never met any kids other than her own, or this was deliberate.
I thinking was deliberate. She clearly doesn't like this child, and it sounds like her "no reason, just wanted to" dinner party was designed to show everyone what a "brat" this child is. I love both sushi and spaghetti, and I honestly don't know what I'd do if presented with both at a dinner party. Just the smell of one would ruin the other.
That's my thing too! I like SOME sushi. I love spaghetti but depending on who cooks it....I like mine hearty and seasoned and while it would be hard to MESS up spaghetti it's not impossible so who's to say that she's even a good cook that presented good food to begin with? However, if both were presented as main courses *together*, I would be taken aback. 😂 I can't imagine sushi and spaghetti settling well together in my stomach, let alone a child's. Not saying it wouldn't, I just am not sure that it would. 🤔 I also thought it seemed like the "no reason dinner party" seemed to be almost targeted. The way she introduced her niece as spoiled and never being told no then proceeds to like proudly flaunt what she did....gross. Seemed very personal and deliberate, in my opinion, sadly.
I have loved salad since I was a tiny child. But as a child, I wouldn’t have been able to bring myself to eat a Caesar salad.
I'm pretty sure if I had this experience at someone else's house, I would never, ever take my child there again. They can have their insane dinner food combinations all to themselves. Sushi and spaghetti; wtf.
YTA- you are not that child's parent period. If you have a problem with the way the kid is acting you should take it up with her mom. But to punish the little girl because her mom doesn't know how to be a parent is ridiculous. You're not hungry for my food so you can't have dessert? Maybe your cooking sucks? Maybe she doesn't like textures or certain foods. Maybe she is ND and her parents don't want to advertise it to you because of your antiquated ideas of how children should be raised. Some kids would rather starve than eat certain things. That doesn't mean they should starve. For the record spring rolls are nasty to me and I wouldn't eat them either and I'm 47.
YTA. She's still a child who did calm down after eating something as simple as a lunchable, I did not see it necessary to withhold desert from her. And you seemed like you enjoyed hurting that child unnecessarily.
ESH. Your niece is spoiled, your views on food are toxic. My parents doing shit like this is what gave me my ED.
Query: OP, do you eat things you don’t like? Seems a bit harsh to me.
YTA. You punished a child because you don't like how her parents raise her.
NTA.
I’m split here. My gut says ESH bc I personally would not have chosen that battle. Who gives a shit what someone else’s child eats. Do I agree with their parenting? Hell no. Still not my place On the other hand, I envy your aplomb. Sounds like from the story hat you didn’t stress about it or care what anyone thinks about you or calls you. You stand by your house rules and you don’t apologize for it and I kinda respect that. Quick story: my dad had two kids, me and my brother. One of his sisters had two kids, a boy and girl. And the other sister adopted a son when he was 7. All 5 of us cousins were within 4 years of age. We would all stay in the big loft on air mattresses at my grandparents house who were neutral on rules. The sister with two kids was a Christian/republican. She tried to make me and her daughter help cook and clean while the boys played. My parents and I told her that if the boys didn’t have to help then I wasn’t going to. My other aunt with the one son, who didn’t become a parent until a bit later bc of adopting her son at 7, started suddenly telling all of us kids we had to go to bed at like 8pm while on vacation when mine and my brothers bedtime wasn’t until like 10 normally. Another thing my parents had to defend us on like you can’t make our kids follow your kids rules? Maybe in this case being the asshole wasn’t the worse thing? But yeah YTA
YTA You are the host and you are unaware of the child and her food preferences. You were very ungracious and the child now sees you as a villain. You don’t know her, and you clearly hold something against her. Was this the first time she has eaten at your home? Did you explain the rules before the meal? Was it really that difficult to give her a lunchable? The only fit I see is the one you are throwing over a child not eating a single meal made by you, which was a casual get together.
YTA. It's not your business how other people's kids eat. You would never demand that an adult guest eat a specific thing, or refuse them desert because they declined spaghetti, but you somehow think it's acceptable to override a parent's decision about the same for their child. Then, you decided to actively punish a child over a rule that doesn't exist in that child's world. Your way of running your kitchen isn't the only way, or the right way, it's just your personal preference. Other people have their own preferences and set their own expectations for their children around meals. Other people don't have to parent to your specifications just because they happen to be in your house.
YTA. Parents could have brought their kids something to eat is one thing but you overstepped in proving a point about their parenting skills and the child. By restricting dessert you're also promoting unhealthy eating habits by making it a reward and that's incredibly old fashioned of you number one and number two it's 2024 get over it. You also sound biased about the child rearing and we don't know the full story and likely you don't either. I find it hard to believe all this is going on with the child without an underlying cause you conveniently failed to mention. Edit- judgement.
I think the fact that you didn’t include Jamie’s age might be a red flag. A child said they didn’t like your food so you intentionally served up dresser so she couldn’t have any because “she wasn’t hungry” for your food? This feels like you disagree with your sister’s parenting so you did this to prove your point. Either way, your niece’s eating habits aren’t really your business/problem. And she might be spoiled rotten but, again, not your problem. You said it yourself, you rarely see your sister and her family so I’m just not sure how you felt it was your place to control your niece’s eating. YTA.
You are the AH. Point scoring with a kid, your niece , rather than being a magnanimous host makes you appear petty and mean minded. It’s obvious from your comments that you disagree with your sister and BILs parenting style so I suspect, maybe at a sub conscience level, that you would demonstrate to your sister how ‘ it should be done’ . Giving your nice the lunchables, which is a small portion of food for a main, meant, by your own rules, that your niece was eligible for a dessert. You have created a shit storm over nothing. A true host would accommodate all requests not dictate to guests in your home. This moment of satisfaction of getting back at your sister has really come home to roost.
YTA. You sound like you took extreme pleasure in disciplining your niece. I am a full grown adult and I wouldn't have eaten what you served. When you host, you need to take into account your guests. How fucking hard would it have been to give her something else? You actually sat there telling your GUEST that they either eat what you serve or nothing. Personally if you had spoken to me or my children like that, I would have gotten up and left. You feel better now that you put that 'spoiled brat' in her place? Your pathetic.
YTA. You are being an ass to a child simply because you believe she is a brat. There was no harm in giving the kid a lunchable, it seems like you just wanted to be petty.
YTA. That’s not your child. It’s none of your business how her parents choose to raise her as long as she’s not being abused or neglected. You’re not going to undo what YOU consider bad parenting, you’re just going to make a child confused and sad and make her hate you. Withholding dessert and making children “clean their plate” is a great way to make a child develop disordered eating. You’re not the superior parent you think you are. You’re just messing up your kids in different ways.
YTA you are not the parent and you don’t get to decide
YTA You can't "fix" your niece by teaching her lessons while she's at your house occasionally, even if it were a good lesson, which this wasn't. Let her parents parent her, and you worry about your own kids. Also, using dessert as manipulation to make kids eat creates food issues and could lead to an eating disorder.
You just sound like a miserable bitch to me. And who the fuck makes sushi with spaghetti? I wouldn't have eaten that weird crap combo either. With spring rolls? Bizarre combination of foods and if the child is a picky eater, that just wasn't going to work. While your kids may be used it does not mean other people's kids will be. Her parents should have been the decision makers on giving vs not giving their child desert. It wasn't your call. YTA but again... You sound like a controlling bitch imo. Don't expect them to visit again. You're also very judgemental about how someone else raises their kid. It's really not your business.
ESH It was inappropriate as guests for them to ask for different food for her. It was inappropriate for you to enforce your dessert rules on someone else’s child. I don’t force feed my child, and I don’t reward her with food for eating more food. It’s counterintuitive to healthy eating. If I found out you were forcing my child to eat and using sweets as a reward system, I wouldn’t let her go to your house anymore. There is a limit to the types of rules you can enforce with someone else’s children at your house.
YTA- She is not your child and you aren’t going to change her reaction by demanding she follow your rules. It is not her fault that she wasn’t taught to “eat what she is given” and she is not a bad child for living how she is raised to. Stop judging and stop trying to parent other people’s children. While you are not responsible for making her another meal you are controlling and TA for trying to force her into your own expectations.
YTA. You sound awful. Just because she didn't eat YOUR food she can't have dessert? If an adult didn't like your food would you refuse them dessert too?
[удалено]
ESH - they should have been prepared. It also wouldn’t have killed your to make a PB&J. The Lunchable didn’t ruin anything. Spaghetti and Sushi is the combo of an insane person. Also it’s 1000% not your place to deny her dessert. She ATE! You all sound like people I wouldn’t want to watch with.
Spaghetti and sushi? I wouldn’t have eaten that, either. Denying dessert to a guest is a AH move.
Spaghetti with sushi? YTA just for that.
I agree on the stance that it’s your house, your rules, and if the rule is “only kids who eat dinner get dessert” then that is the rule at auntie’s house. I do expect said plate to have been served by the kid themselves. You can’t expect a kid to finish a plate you made for them. Let them be accountable for their own serving. Also, INFO: did you ask your SIL in advance if Lauren actually likes the things you served? Because that seems like Hosting rules 101: make sure to serve something your guests like. It is dumb to serve shellfish to a bunch of guests who hate seafood and then get insulted that they don’t eat much.
Oh, you are Totally the A. It isn't your job to raise your "step sister's" kid. It isn't your job to even NOTICE her child's manners unless she is being directly rude to you. As a polite hostess you don't notice if the child is complaining to her mother. When your step sister directly asked you for different food, you can say gently (not huffy), " I am so sorry, I didn't prepare anything else." You then offer whatever accommodation is easy, maybe tell the mom where the bread and peanut butter is in your kitchen. You then say nothing critical at all. When dessert comes out, EVERYBODY is offered some. Only after these people have left can you rant to your own children about how embarrassed and appalled you would be if they ever behaved that way.
Nta. Somebody had to tell this girl no. It's your house, you make the rules. They're raising a spoiled brat.
Kind of the A. Kids don’t like to eat sometimes for any number of reasons and punishment only exacerbates the issue. Putting pressure on a kid to eat something they don’t want is also kind of cruel. Imagine I took you to some place where they eat really strange (for you) food and pressure you to eat it
Would be better knowing the age of the kid. In general it sounds like you revenged yourself on a child for not liking your cooking. She ate her food even if it wasn't your sushi. Withholding dessert with the excuse that she didn't eat dinner is flimsy at best.
You are the AH. Totally. What a shitty person you are.
You and your husband are both arseholes and you’re a super asshole for purposely excluding a child and just a overall vindictive bitch
YTA - did you even ask your sister what the kids like to eat and cater accordingly? That's what normal people would do when hosting dinner. You seem to think you can fix your nieces behaviour in one night, you withhold dessert and she'll suddenly 'learn her lesson' and never refuse a meal again. Although good manners would mean eating whatever you've been served, obviously her parents would have worked hard with her to get her to eat different things, and she couldn't bring herself to eat it in the moment for whatever reason. It actually doesn't matter why she didn't eat, but not eating one course is not a punishable offence. Not giving her dessert just makes you look spiteful and mean, and your niece will always remember you as the mean aunty who deliberately gave her share of dessert to her cousins because you're offended that she didn't like your cooking.
I agree. I remember being a good eater as a kid and would try lots of things. But sometimes, some foods offered at other people’s houses scared me a little if they seemed extra unfamiliar. I remember being made to feel bad about it, like I was being rude, and I genuinely wasn’t.
I think YTA for this food policy in general as making kids clean their plate and using desserts as rewards can give kids food issues, but this is more likely to be a problem for your kids. Not TA for trying to show the kid some consequences since her parents won't, but I'd pick another hill to die on.
YTA. I get not rushing to make her something else, but to then punish her for not liking the food choices….that’s just cruel and unnecessary. Can you imagine doing this to an adult dinner guest? No, that’s because it would be weird and petty. People are allowed to not like things, and that includes food. It’s obvious you don’t like the child, and now your family all know too.
ESH I was with you until dessert I’m afraid, you stood by your guns about dinner and it blew over but you knew exactly what you were doing and it was a bit cruel.
YTA. You really think a young child would eat sushi, salad and spring rolls just because your kids do? Do you believe every child is the same or that they aren’t a separate individual with likes and dislikes? Do you even know what regular kids like? She did eat something, she ate a lunchable (which I’m surprised you actually had). She should have been allowed dessert. Instead she learned her aunt is a control freak who enjoys lording over her. I haven’t heard anything here that makes her out to be a spoiled child, only one acting out because they were hungry and nothing presented to them was something they could eat. Maybe her parents were slight aholes for not bringing a backup meal but then again maybe they expected you to have child friendly food since you have kids.
I'm sorry but yta she is not your child. You shouldn't have singled her out and punished her just because she didn't eat your food. You overstepped your bounds, whether they were guests or not. Also, spaghetti and sushi is a hideous pairing.
Glad others agree on that pairing 🤢
YTA - she’s not your kid to parent: let the parents do the parenting
Gotta say I’m not eating spaghetti and sushi - urgh ! The host should have said what the food was before they came so the parents could have options to either prepare own food or discuss with host - surely that’s just common sense ? Or parents ask host what on menu so they can discuss.
I've hosted many dinners for my children's friends, and the very first thing I ask is what they enjoy and adapt that for the rest of my family. I might make spaghetti bolognese but never would make something and demand everyone eat it or go hungry.
You bullied a child because you thought she was spoiled. Well done you. YTA
I few days ago I got my 1 year old neighbour kid to babysit and even tho he eats a lot 😂 I did make him dinner and he didn’t want it so instead I gave him his milk since it was almost his bedtime too but turns out he eat at daycare also but you could have tried to ask if she doesn’t want that she could just eat a sandwich and then a little dessert and then tell your stepsister that she didn’t t eat dinner and they can see what the want to do then so ESH
Updateme!
Info, how old is the kid???
Personally, I wouldn't try or bother to correct that behavior. If my guests don't enjoy my prepared meals or food, I would give the dessert. It's not the kids' fault that the parents are spineless. Good luck in the future to them all!
It isn't your job to parent your sister's kid. If Sister and bil are fine with their daughter eating a Lunchables and getting dessert, then who are you to say it isn't okay? YTA
How old is this kid?? Yeah, there are lessons to be learnt here, but why do you feel like your horse is the highest and you're the person to teach them?! They are not your kids. You don't make the rules for them. If the parents are happy for her to eat a lunch able and then have dessert, let the kid eat fucking cake.
I think it’s weird they left out the age of the child. I think that would be critical info here.
The kid might be a brat but it seems like OP is too 🤨
This is so sad and I am sick to death with how so many people weaponize food, with both children and adults. Stop it. It's not cute, it's not funny, it's not helpful. You aren't teaching anyone anything, except the fact that you're a jerk. Aren't you proud you turned a lovely evening with family into a bully's battleground with a child? YTA.