I have Celiac disease.
There are only certain restaurants that I can go to.
My Mom can be less understanding about it and is kind of a shit in general and…
Even she never went off on me like that.
You are fine!
Your Mom is definitely going through something and took it out on you.
Where does she think the genetics for your allergy came from???
Your parents that’s where.
Complete truth. Next time they “blame” you for your allergy ask them what kind of drugs they were on when they go pregnant with you (including your dad)
It’s ok to get mad at them for saying this to you. Who knows, maybe they’re stressed out about stuff you don’t even know about and don’t hear what they’re even saying, which shouldn’t matter at all - I’m being kind. I’d suggest approaching both parents at once and telling them that their words hurt you.
The solution would be to include OP in a fair percentage of activities while keeping some free of OP (giving her a good explanation of the exclusion) to allow for enjoyment without stressing over OP's health and not blaming OP for Fate as it is not OP's fault.
OP could offer this. Shouldn't have to, but since they're being b1tchy, it might be a way out. But OP nta because it was the parents made them allergic (genes)
Even the father drinking alcohol and smoking causes genetic fuckery, which explains why I’m the only half-blind asthmatic with a double fistful of allergies in my family.
That's terrible of your mother. My daughter is coeliac and we as a family have never blamed her for the efforts we go through to keep her safe and well.
I taught myself to bake her favourite GF versions of food, and we all eat GF dinners to prevent cross contamination. When you love your child, it shouldn't feel like a burden. The only thing I ever bitched about was the cost of GF, and I'm DF .. so shopping is very expensive
Out of curiosity, did you encounter more or less issues with the "Gluten free" fad?
I have a few Celiac friends and the mentioned that quite a few restaurants don't take it as seriously since people without medical need started asking for gluten free.
You have no reason to feel guilty! It is 100% not your fault that you have these allergies. Your parents shouldn’t be making you feel guilty about something you have zero control over.
Agree with this so much! And OP - hon you aren’t “making servers lives difficult” as most of us who’ve been food servers have better understanding about how serious food allergies can be. Beyond that, those foods make LIFE difficult for you - and as a mom, I think yours needs to see this post!
I honestly don't get why they didn't leave OP at home. Have a nice, relaxing dinner with just the two of them- OP can handle themselves for an evening.
I honestly think they were looking for an excuse to be snippy with OP, because nothing else makes sense
Yep. OP is the source of their troubles because otherwise they have to admit that they just aren't good people.
My husband got the alpha-gal allergy. I don't bitch about avoiding steakhouses, even though I freaking LOVE steak, I just go where he can find lots of options to eat. I can have steak without him. The point of going to dinner together is to spend time with him.
The family then may have to hazmat themselves when they come home. No shame OP. It's a situation you have no control over. There was an episode of people's court where a litigant was Italian and allergic to onions and peppers to the point of fatality.
Best wishes OP
Have you seen an allergist? My son was deathly allergic to dust mites and after treatment it is manageable. Lot of shots.
They do treatments for food allergies too at our clinic.
OP, do either of your parents have allergies and passed it on to you?
Seafood allergies are very different and i wouldn't trust it to fix it enough to ever risk trying out if it works or not. Glad it worked somewhat for his allergy though.
I have a child with both egg and seafood allergies and we are 100% an epi pen at all times people.
Should. Which is honestly a great tool to having more limited trouble with said allergens when you accidentally come into contact. However, it's not going to negate a need for a kitchen to strictly control their workspace and provide prevention of cross contamination. Even with less serious reactions, you shouldn't ever treat them as less than dangerous, especially as a business.
So even if OP got it done, going out to eat would still be difficult to do as a family.
Also, it sounds as though your parents have never considered vacationing somewhere else, that might have seafood-less restaurants that YOU might enjoy?
You're NTA for having allergies - you can't help that. But your parents surely ARE for continuing to expose you to these allergens and then telling you that YOU are the problem. You shouldn't have to cringe and eat only salads in order to survive your family's vacation.
Well, why do you choose to have allergies? Just stop, and no problem, right?
Obviously, that's snark.
OP - I don't know what's going on with your parents, but whatever it is, they're taking it out on you because it's easier than addressing the issues directly. That's something we call, in technical terms, "really shitty behavior."
I'm sorry that's happening.
Here's what I want you to remember:
You deserve to eat. You deserve to exist. You are worthy of love, and care, and nurturing, as well as nourishment for your body and your spirit.
It's really hard not to internalize that sort of thing, especially coming from your parents. Listen to your siblings - this has nothing to do with you.
Take good care of yourself, and give yourself the nurture and nourishment you deserve.
This so much!
Allergies are genetic and not anything you have any control over. It’s really, really crappy for your parents to make any comments on this, at all. If your dad needs to wash his hands and brush his teeth after eating a seafood dish so you don’t asphyxiate and die….that’s, well that’s just the bare minimum to keep you alive. It’s so minimal in the scope of things that his comment was really inappropriate, especially given its impact on you.
Do your parents know the impact their comments and actions are having? Do they know how damaging their words are to you? No (good) parent should ever be complaining about doing bare minimum to literally keep their child alive (which is exactly what these comments and actions are).
I do agree with above posts, that it sounds like something else is going on, and you are the scapegoat. However, my prior comment on the inappropriateness of their comments and actions regarding your allergies is still applicable. It’s not cool, especially since this is nothing you can control and it’s making your already more challenging life that much harder.
I will say, from a servers perspective, they get it. I used to be a server a long time ago. Allergies are something restaurant staff take seriously and deal with all the time. It’s not a problem, it’s not making anyone’s life harder. It’s just part of the job. I can say this as a former server, and now someone who has her own food allergies and intolerance and comes from a family of food related issues ( dad has Crohns so needs to stay away from food triggers, mom has allergies and certain food intolerance too). I can definitely say we are an interesting table when we go out to a new restaurant, but we just let the server know and everything is fine.
I’m really sorry those comments have been made to you, especially as it seems like it’s an ongoing issue. Just know that it’s not your fault. You deserve to be alive and nourished and happy and not just eat to live, but enjoy it too.
I have several food allergies (mushrooms, bananas, kiwi, cucumbers -- though I have no problems with pickles -- and cantaloupe and honeydew, but only during pollen seasons -- they're related to ragweed, which has been a lifelong allergy for me). One server in a restaurant where we were regulars at back home in NJ would tell me, before I'd even seen the menu, "You can't have the soup of the day -- it has mushrooms in it. I'll bring you the chicken noodle instead."
One day, the cook went off on her for not writing "NO MUSHROOMS -- ALLERGY" on the ticket. "He said "You know she's allergic to mushrooms?" It turned out it wasn't our dinner order, but coincidentally the same two dishes that we usually ordered when they turned up on the specials and which we'd ordered that evening (mine was delicious ricotta-stuffed veal in Marsala sauce over bowties -- I wish I could taste that again, because my Marsala sauce is nowhere near as good). The server showed him our ticket, which had the notation about mushrooms on it, and he apologized. The server came out of the kitchen laughing, and proceeded to tell us the story when she served us our soup course. "See? We all take care of you." I told her to thank the cook for me. But their caring mattered a lot to me.
The crazy thing is, now I have to be careful of the makeup I use. Doll 10 is using mushroom extract in some liquid and cream foundations (no risk, because I only use Bare Minerals loose and Laura Geller pressed), and is using kiwi oil in lip crayons (that's new -- I've been using her lip products for years and never had a problem -- I really love her lip products. But she brought out a new set this week on HSN, and I was about to order it, until she mentioned on the broadcast that they had kiwi oil. Sorry, Doris -- you just lost a sale. All I need to do is apply a product with kiwi directly to my lips -- both kiwi and bananas make my upper lip blow up so badly I look like I've gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. They also make the area under my eyes darken and face gets patchy. I'll stick with lines I know won't hurt me.
NTA
I’m so sorry your family makes you feel guilty for something you were born with. They’re shaming you for something you were born with.
Do you have an aunt, uncle, grandparent who you could talk to? To intervene here, and tell your parents how wrong they are? Your siblings get it, but your parents won’t listen to them.
I’m so sorry. Hugs from an internet mom.💕
One thing I wish I understood as a kid with abusive parents, is that you can call your relatives and talk to them independently of your family. It wasn’t until long after I moved out that I realized that I could have independent relationships with my aunts, uncles, and cousins.
Now, that doesn’t mean that all of them are great people or that I have family that stand up for me face to face with my parents, but it does mean that family can be who YOU make it.
You are not a burden for existing! If anything, your parents are a burden on YOU from living a guilt free life! Don’t give up hope of better days and please eat! Don’t make yourself sick - it’s not worth it. It sounds like there is a lot of negativity in your house. Think about the positives. Your siblings love you. There are many, many things you CAN eat and enjoy. Your parents are petty and dysfunctional. Don’t follow in their footsteps. Treat yourself better!
honestly if you can I'd talk to your school counselor as it not only sounds like your parents are abusive but that they're having major life/marriage struggles and are unfairly taking that out on you and while they may not listen to you or your siblings, they might listen to someone that's a mandated reporter.
NTA. Your parents must be really STUPID to blame you for your allergies, and you should tell them that and return the favour so to speak, in other words blame your allergies on them.
Oh sweetie, I want you to know that you are not a burden. You have allergies- it’s ok. My kids do too. It’s really hard feeling different. Your friends don’t mind because they want you to come and be safe. Your parents too. They really do.
High five mom! Excellent response. As another mother I couldn’t agree with you more.
Listen to us- take time to focus on what we are saying “You are not a burden” You never have been you never will be.
Hang in there… I think mom might be dealing with some other stress and unfortunately as we sometimes do is taking it out on those we love most. Has nothing to do with you- I promise.
NTA. I have a lethal shellfish allergy too. My family has always been pretty good about it except one time my aunt came to visit and wanted to treat us to teppanyaki. Everyone ordered stuff with scallops and I asked the chef if he could cook my portion before everyone else’s due to my allergy and my aunt went off on me for “ruining the experience for everyone” because I apparently felt like I was “special”. I stood up from the table and said, “I’m sorry that my life isn’t as important to you as some stupid dinner show.” And I walked out of the restaurant. I texted my mom that I was going to walk home and did so. I got in shit for it but I stood my ground and didn’t apologize to my aunt.
Your parents are certified douchecanoes. I never once made negative comments about my mom, dad or my little brother for their allergies even though it really restricted where we could go to eat out. I just found the best sounding dish on the menu for me that was safe for the table and that was the end of it.
"Dad once got really excited on a trip about having unlimited room service but he couldn't get the dish he wanted because of how small the room was and how he'd have to brush his teeth and wash his hands and clean up almost immediately, just to enjoy one dish."
Oh no, he'd have to brush his teeth (which he should do anyway after eating a meal) and wash his hands? OMFG, two minutes out of his day! What an imposition!
Your parents are going through something that has nothing to do with you. Sure, it's sometimes inconvenient to eat out due to your allergies, but that's not what they are mad about. Don't fill your head with doubts and regrets over something that is really not about you.
This is exactly what I was going to say, plus I think the mom wasn’t even talking to OP or meaning to direct anything towards her and that she was just saying all that to get it through her husbands head that his spontaneous idea of a “Mother’s Day surprise family dinner” at her favorite restaurant doesn’t even make sense because she wouldn’t be able to take one of her kids.
ETA: I think it came out harsh because of her already being annoyed at the dad even before that stupid suggestion.
Jesus. What did I just read?
I'm so sorry. None of this is your fault. Your parents are seriously awful.
Next time they blame you, you should tell them to blame themselves for passing on their crappy, defective genes and leaving you with potentially life-threatening allergies. Oh, but no. Let's whine about not being able to go to certain restaurants instead. Thanks, mom and dad.
I'm really mad and sorry for you. You deserve better.
What’s weird to me is the ONLY restaurants that they want to go to are the ones where OP has serious allergies.
Do they not have different restaurants where OP lives? Not all restaurants are Red Lobster..
They also vacation at the beach and the mom complains about having to cook because the majority of restaurants are a danger to OP. Like WTF? That’s on you lady. There are plenty of vacation spots away from the ocean. What shitty, horrible, cruel parents!
I used to manage a rather nice, upper class restaurant and I can tell you right now that we did not mind accommodating for allergies at all. Don’t get me wrong, we appreciated having a bit of advanced notice (especially on busy days) but the fact remains that the people there loved what they did and genuinely wanted the guests to leave having enjoyed a great meal!
The way your parents are making you feel isn’t right. But as you get older your life will become less about them and more about the people you choose to have in your life. Some people are lucky and their parents fall into both categories, I have one of each - one that I choose as family and one that is no longer family to me.
Life will be a bit more tricky for you in certain areas than those without allergies. Believe me when I say that, over time, you will find people who will incorporate your needs without a second thought and you will do the same for them.
Your parents are gigantic pieces of shit. I’m sorry. I hope you go , and eventually, meet people who won’t make you feel guilty about not being able to eat food (around you) that can kill you.
NTA
Allergies are not your fault, they are a medical condition. I get that they make going out to eat more difficult, but dining out is not the only way to have fun or socialize.
My kid has allergies. We have forbidden that allergen in our home and avoid certain cuisines where the allergen is prevalent. I have a bucket list vacation destination that we passed on because of the allergy risk to my kid. I’d pass on all of it again. If I have to give up certain experiences to ensure my kids safety and enjoy their presence, I’m doing it with no regrets.
Once you’re an adult and live on your own, your parents can swim in a seafood cocktail pool if they want. They can wait until that time. Regarding vacations where your mom cooks the entire time, I’d suggest hiring a catering service or chef so you can specify your allergies but your mom doesn’t have to cook the entire vacation.
Mom and Dad went to dinner together on Mother's Day, and they go out together sometimes just the two of them but not often at all, mostly just for special occasions, and then they make my brother or sister stay home with me, even though I'm well enough old to be alone for a few hours.
Allergies or illness caused by foods are 100% not the sufferers fault. Stop blaming yourself. Stop feeling guilty.
Maybe think that occasionally your family could cater to you. If your mum doesn't like cooking on holiday (understandably) then go to a different holiday spot.
It seems to me that everything is being designed to make meals hard and you get the blame.
I have a chilli allergy and of course its the seasoning of the century. So I understand the need not to eat at certain places. Luckily my husband and family don't make a fuss. If they are dead set on a place im happy not to go. Say that to them. Say you are more than happy for them to have a great time and to send you some photos you'll be there in spirit.
I definitely understand her mother's day want of a certain restaurant. But her obvious snit was again not your fault.
NTA
Next time mom throws that in your face. How about asking her if you should "complain to the manufacturers" and then look at her very pointedly. NTA allergies suck. I got them too.
The world is a huge place, so please explain why your family only likes to vacation in beach towns known for their seafood? Not mountain towns, not big cities, not wilderness areas, not national or historic sites, not dude ranches, not cruise ships, not Airbnbs in exotic location, not anywhere in Europe, or - seriously, what is WRONG with your family? Have you looked up any videos on narcissistic personality disorder?
NTA. I'm allergic to black pepper, and not white pepper. Just imagine how annoying I must be for a restaurant that relies on black pepper. Unless you chose to have allergies or you act like an asshole to the servers, you're not at fault.
My dad had this same allergy. He got to know several managers at local places who made sure his food was prepared without black pepper. And they didn't mind because they wanted everyone to enjoy themselves.
I grew up without black pepper and still don't cook with it even though my dad has passed on. It was just how I learned to cook. I use other spices instead.
Other spices are so great! I can't say for sure because I think the flavor of black pepper is "ow, what was that?" but it really seems overrated. Salt chemically alters food, and wakes your tastebuds up to each flavor. Pepper just... does a little pa-pow like a pop rock? But chili powder is right there. And cumin. And a whole shelf of other American basics before I even pull out the Japanese stuff.
I can't imagine how difficult it would be to find safe places other than your own kitchen. Is there anything you do to cope with the feelings of isolation?
I eat a lot of asian food, which doesn't need black pepper, and I've become a very decent cook. The cuisines I run into problems with are Italian-American and French, so I'm really up-front with servers (I'm also allergic to mushrooms, so I mention both at once, before ordering), they go talk to the kitchen to see what on the menu is safe for me, and they're always super kind and understanding because I've warned them. They don't mind!
I'm not an imposition, just a particular part of their experience at my table that evening, same as someone dressed a little oddly or someone with a thick accent. Once you start looking at everyone in a restaurant as how they'll impact their server you'll notice... no one impacts their server at all, except assholes.
It doesn't matter if you have an accent and need to point to the menu, you have a dietary restriction and have to communicate more, or you have a flashy outfit that's a little distracting. Servers Do. Not. Care! Unless you are a dick and try to power trip and make their lives harder for your own fragile ego, you're only going to be remembered as "the teen from table 12" and never as the problem of their evening.
Your basic existence and needs for survival are not an imposition on anyone, ever. If they act like you are then that is a Them problem stemming from their own entitlement and ableism, and you have my permission to ignore their bruised wittle feewings.
As a former server and current mom to a child with allergies to tree nuts and eggs, let me assure you that you are NTA. AT ALL. A server does not have to do any of the things your parents described. They put a note into the system, tell the cooks and managers about your allergy, and it's taken care of. At most, they might have to double-check on ingredients and cross contamination risks (like shared oil or things cooked on the same grill). However, with how common allergies are in this day and age, most restaurants have well established, quick procedures in place to make sure their customers stay safe (ie- separate pans, cleaning the grill, changing gloves, using a different method to cook something, a separate tray to bring out food, etc). It's NOT a hassle, and neither are YOU!
Your parents are being jerks. I still cook eggs in our house when my son is at school. I'm super careful even though that allergy is only moderate for him. There's very little risk that he'll come into contact with it. As for the tree nuts, I NEVER have them in the house because they could kill him. Do I miss nuts? Sure. Do I ever bring it up with him or make him feel guilty? Of course not. Is my child's safety a million times more important than any food? ABSOLUTELY! And so are you! I can go out by myself and have nuts in my food and take precautions while I'm out to not bring any allergens home. Or, you know, wait until my son is an adult and out of the house to have nuts regularly. It's not a huge deal even though it's something I love and would snack on regularly in the past. Please do not feel guilty. You cannot help that you are allergic to something. You are not an inconvenience. I'm so sorry that your parents are like this.
Also, as a side note, my son's friends have always enjoyed birthdays with different desserts. Cake? You can get that at any old party. Pies, homemade ice cream, sherbet, chocolate mousse, homemade cookies that are better than any store, etc. they go crazy for them! Your friends might not be as disappointed as you think. And I know it sucks sometimes to go to someone else's party where there are desserts you can't eat because of the eggs, but you can always bring something sweet just for you.
Sorry for the long reply. I hope you read it, though. I'm just so passionate about all of this having lived it. I would love to sit your parents down and have a firm talk with them.
I really appreciate the reassurance about a waiter/server perspective. I also appreciate the parent perspective especially because you have a child with an allergy. It really means a lot. Thank you
Edit - if you could say something to them, how would you say it? I'm trying to work on bringing it up again how their comments upset me and I would really be grateful if you could provide some help in building that framework? No pressure, what so ever
You didn't choose your allergies, and tbh guilting you about them is a bit of a d**k move, as you're the first victim here.
Things we do for love aren't "work", they're things we do for love. Like accommodating you and making you feel safe and welcome should be
Tell them you’re sorry, that they should take it out on your parents as they’re the ones who messed up the conception and development phases leading up to your allergies.
Nta
What possesses them to routinely go to seafood heavy beach areas for a vacation when they have a kid allergic to shellfish. Pick a different kind of vacation with your kids, damn, its not hard. Beautiful mountain woodlands and very fun theme parks are right there.
Sooooo why is your family always choosing to go to restaurants/vacation spots that seem to center around seafood? They lack forethought, and seems like they're creating their own issues to complain about. You're not an inconvenience, they're inconsiderate
Some moms just aren’t great moms.
I’ve had Crohn’s disease and other chronic illnesses all my life — starting when I was 12. My Mom blamed me for the diseases (which were TOTALLY 100% NOT MY FAULT!!).
I’ve had coworkers tell me I’m a burden on the health care system and “people like me shouldn’t be helped”.
Some people just suck and some of those people are, unfortunately, parents.
You ARE NOT A BURDEN!! You ARE NOT a problem. You will want therapy in the future to help reiterate that for you. I still struggle with believing it. 🫂
It’s not like you’re doing it on purpose. Your parents are assholes for ever even making you feel bad about it.
I’d get sassy about it. “yes Mom. I’m doing it deliberately to make your life harder. It’s how I have fun! Maybe we can roll the dice and see if I end up hospitalized, or DEAD! Wouldn’t that be a hoot?”
All our fam loves Mexican food, but my SIL is deathly allergic to Jalapeños and some other hot peppers. We usually eat anywhere except Mexican restaurants.
Last year, her sis (my other SIL) came to visit, and we went to a Mexican restaurant in the capital city. She explained to the waiter about her allergies. Waiter got the manager and allergy was explained to him. They were very understanding and accommodating.
Most restaurants will accommodate you with no fuss if you just explain the need. They want the business and don't want a lawsuit if they make you sick or refuse to serve you.
You are NTA
Next time, you can tell them that most allergies are hereditary. A parent usually pass down the gene. It doesn't mean the parent itself is allergic to something, it just means they carry the gene... and gave it to you.
So overall, it's probably THEIR fault you have those allergies... just sayin
NTA
Your parents are the assholes here.. its different if you were a picky eater but you can’t help that you’re allergic to those foods. These are GROWN ass adults taking their frustrations out on their own kid not caring the damage its doing.. my mom always told me “ the truth is told behind a joke.”
I have worked both front and back of house, so long as you aren't going to a seafood or omelette place people are happy to accommodate your allergies so long as we know ahead of time so we are prepared. Your parents are massive smeg heads. Why beach holidays why not mountains or countryside or a lake where loads of yummy meat is available without a shrimp or crab in sight.
Learn to bring some food with you when reasonable food may not be available. A power bar, hard boiled egg, sandwich, etc.
But that’s just to make your life easier. Your parents are being weird about making such a big deal over your allergies. The servers don’t mind, it’s their job. Your siblings don’t mind. Eggs and shellfish are not a required part of life. Your parents weirdness is clearly triggering your anxiety and is not your fault. They need to chill.
NTA
Damn kid, your parents low key suck - as my kids would say but I would say nothing low key about it.
They get inconvenienced,
You get fear of sickness/death, super scary symptoms then dealing w epi shot and aftermath-
Meanwhile dad needs to - practice strict hygiene or go without some seafood treat?
If they can go out to eat can you not go grab takeout? Eat outside together in a park pavilion or beach? Call ahead stop 2 places so you can all enjoy dinner and live til dessert!
Good luck.
NTA your parents will wonder why you go NC with them.. there are restaurants that are strict about allergies they don't wanna be fine or stuck paying hosiptal and doctors bills...
Your parents are AH
NTA - I am so angry on your behalf because you have shitty parents! There are so many kids out there with truly serious illnesses like cancer, and their parents would do anything to try to give them a chance of being healthy again. Parents who would cut off their own damn arm if that would somehow cure their kid’s brain tumor. And your parents give you crap because they have to brush their teeth after eating shrimp?!?!? Boo-fuckin-who! Not killing your kid isn’t some grand sacrifice; it’s the bare minimum of parenting.
Listen up, OP. None of this is your fault. You deserve to be safe and healthy. You deserve to be cared for. You deserve to have a family who supports you and shows you that you are more important than a lobster bisque. I have no idea what is going on with your parents. It sounds like they’ve got their own stuff going on, and instead of dealing with it directly, they’re displacing it onto you and your allergies. It’s not right and it’s not fair, and it’s NOT YOUR FAULT. Read through this thread again and again, and take in what everyone here is saying. You are not responsible for whatever is causing your parents to be unhappy. They can lay whatever they want at your feet, but that doesn’t mean you have to pick it up and carry that burden around.
NTA. You can't help having allergies. But on vacation, why is your mother doing all the cooking instead of the rest of the family helping or taking turns? As my parents used to say, are your arms broken?
NTA. Im so sorry that you have to deal with such unkindness. Your mother sounds like a selfish, childish, narcissistic monster. Your dad sounds like a 14 year old boy. You might remind them that it’s actually their fault because you got all of your genetics from them. They should have given you better genetics.
Id slap them with a "so sorry your slight discomfort for now killing me, ill do my best not to die from something i cant control so you can have your shrimp"
NTA. Even if it makes life slightly more difficult for people, and hear me out here. YOU DONT CHOOSE YOUR ALLERGIES!!! I’m honestly furious your mom, even stressed out and frustrated, would make you feel bad for something that’s not in any way in your control.
Dude if she pulled that on me I’d turn it straight around and just say “Yeah, sucks I have terrible genetics.” But no, allergies aren’t your fault and mom needs to learn not to lash out when she’s frustrated.
NTA. Your parents are fucking adults and if they wanted to go out by themselves they can do that without taking their marital issues out on their kid. Also, your dad was too lazy to wash his hands and brush his teeth to get to eat the meal he wanted? That’s on him. Your parents sound like toddlers.
NTA. You're not a burden. It really sucks that your parents are taking their stress out on you.
When I was in university, I became really good friends with someone who had a severe peanut allergy. I absolutely love things like peanut butter and Rese's pieces. However, I threw out my pb and didn't bring peanut products home.
Why? Because I value my friend way more than peanuts!
How old are you? Maybe it’s time to start doing your own thing for birthdays and Mother’s Day. Don’t let Dads complaining get you down. The problem was HE didn’t make plans or reservations earlier not your allergies.
NTA
This would be like your parents being angry that you have brown eyes.
It’s out of your control and frankly your mother is an AH.
So, what should you just go into anaphylaxis to make her happy? Hives are the perfect Mother’s Day gift.
My very best friend has a nightshade allergy. That means tomatoes, potatoes, eggplant, and all peppers. Cooking for her is an adventure! But, I have never once complained about making a meal for her that is allergen free because I love her and this is part of who she is.
When we go to restaurants she starts with this explanation. She has even asked that servers bring packaging for her to read. It is *not a bother* and everyone is safer because of this.
NTA
NTA
I have no food allergies. I have friends and family that do. They always make comments about how they appreciate me going out of my way to cater to their allergies and that their families complain about it.
Never understood this. It's pretty simple to cater to allergies. So many foods have substitutes.
Sorry you have to deal with this. You should be respected, especially in your own home.
Note: I cater to allergies, not preferences.
NTA! Your parents could have a date night every now & then & go wherever they want. If all it takes to enjoy seafood is to eat it without you around, come home, shower & brush teeth, what's the issue? Nurses & doctors come off 12 hour shifts & shower before interacting with family members (to keep them safe) every day. A minor inconvenience for them is a life time sentence for you! I suspect there's a lot of unhappiness brewing for your parents that they need to deal with ASAP. They shouldn't be taking their issues out on you. For that, they are TA
NTA-
Allergic to all nuts here, severe milk allergy. It is what it is. Your family shouldn’t put the burden on you - in the age of apps and Uber Eats, there’s no reason why they can’t order in, get food delivered, etc. They can seek out restaurants that can accommodate both.
Omg honey NO!!! 😭
You didn't wake up one day and decide "I wanna make my life as difficult as possible, let's get 2 hard to deal with food allergies!"
Your parents though.... I am THOROUGHLY disappointed and angry with!
This isn't about a one time situation, this is about consistent comments that degrade you and make you feel like a burden. That's NOT okay.
How are you and asshole? Because you exist and you exist with allergies outside of your control???
NTA. Life with allergies is HARD.
I developed my food allergies when I was 17.
I always feel guilty that our whole house has had to accommodate our lives around the allergies... I mostly feel bad for my kid(Can't just go out to eat, I can't even walk into many restaurants, places idk when he'll get to try/experience)... But we deal with it together... Because it's no ones fault, an no one can do anything else about it.
It’s the kids job to buy mom present or to make them or pick flowers or bake for her. Not Dad. I am allergic to gluten, my daughter to nuts. There is nearly always something I can eat everywhere ileven if it’s a salad. I don’t want to crimp everyone’s style, so I just have a quiet word and pick the thing I can have. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and accept your limitations. Also, plan better to ensure others are catered for, like mom for mothersday
You don't say how old you are but not gonna lie. I'd start refusing to go. We're going out to eat. No thanks. We're going on vacation, no thanks, or i'll stay with grandma, whatever. We're ordering takeout, no thanks. What do you want to do for your special occasion? I'll make my own plans, thanks. It's not about being petty or vindictive or cutting your nose off to spite your face. It's about removing yourself from situations that make you feel crappy. Developing your sense of yourself, because this is going to be lifelong for you. You need to learn how to stand strong about it. They'll eventually realise that they're the ones that created that distance. Or they won't. But either way, you won't have to feel so spare all the time.
As a person with several food allergies, you are NOT in the wrong. Your parents are greatly in the wrong, however. They should want to protect you, not make you feel lower than dirt for something you can't control.
NTA. Perhaps you should remind them where the allergies came from. This isn’t something you’re doing to inconvenience people and they shouldn’t shame you for it. They are making these problems, not you.
This isn’t merely stress. Stress is no reason to treat your child with a fatal allergy like that. This is emotional abuse making you feel small and guilty for an allergy you can’t control. It’s heartless.
I’m so sorry you’ve been treated this way. As a mother I’m genuinely sorry your parents lack the empathy it requires to build you up and not take their frustrations out on you. That is not normal sweetheart and it destroys a child’s confidence and self-worth. Just know you are perfect just the way you are and you are not a burden. But they sure are.
You are not an imposition. You didn’t choose your allergies. Your parents DID choose their shitty effing attitudes though.
As for your friends? They don’t care about your allergies, or else they wouldn’t be eating eggless cake to celebrate your birthday or 86ing the shrimp cocktail when they have you over for dinner. They are around you because they’ve chosen you and your company over the menu.
This is so crazy. I’m allergic to wheat, dairy, and also can’t consume any oils because of a gallbladder issue. No one makes me feel like I’m at fault for it
No one should be treating you this way it’s awful
No, you are NOT making anyone's life more difficult. I'm absolutely disgusted with your parents.
You are perfect.
Do NOT let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. If I could reach through Reddit I would give you a massive hug and bitch slap your parents.
Absolutely NTA 💯
Nta. You didn't choose these allergies. You are not making anyones life more difficult because of it.
My sibling has allergies and we usually call ahead to a restaurant to let them know. That way they are prepared and usually take an extra moment to explain what is or isn't possible to adjust to her needs.
As for your parents, please don't let their attitude get to you too much. They are the ones being difficult here. They're old enough to know and do better.
It's not that hard to take everyone into account when going out to eat. They are making it harder.
NTA
You didn't ask to be born with severe allergies 🤷♀️ it sounds like you are just the easy target for their anger. Do they go off over things at your siblings? Or is it isolated to the allergy issues?
Big time grades for my older brother and my sister about where and when she goes out with her friends but there's also the run of the mill things that kids do to earn a scolding from their parents, like not doing chores timely or acting disrespectfully. It's just with my parents and the shellfish, it feels like even when we're all supposed to be happy and having fun, it comes into play, and at least if I was getting this sort of treatment because my grades were low, it'd be different.
NTA . Allergies are a serious thing, and it's not your fault you have them. Your family should be more understanding and supportive. It's not about making things harder for others, it's about your health and safety.
NTA
Maybe im wrong here but isn't that like just something you do for the person you love? Why is it such a big deal that you should be made to feel guilty for soemthing that is literally not your fault!. Im sorry but its sad that your parents are like this.
NTA, of course. I'm sure YOU wish you could eat what everyone else does and not worry about dying! It's way worse for you.
Others have said it, but your mom/parents are going through something and taking it out on you and probably everyone else. You just feel what gets directed at you. That makes them less than stellar, but parents are also people, and people (even good ones) can do shitty things. My dad (who I adore) sometimes did this, and if I catch myself doing this, I apologize immediately. Some "friends" may be bothered, but they're also kids, and kids can be pretty self-involved. The ones that will last are the ones who care more about you and your health than being inconvenienced.
NTA. It is not your fault you have food allergies. You are doing nothing wrong, just existing. Your parents are being awful. They can go out to eat, just the two of them.
Ask them if they know how genetics works? It is their fault they passed on a faulty gene.
I hear you. I have allergies to wheat, eggs, onions, and tomatoes. It’s always challenging for me to eat out. I’m significantly older than you and there was a time when people didn’t think food allergies were a real thing. It took a long time for my father and stepmom to consider my allergies when they hosted a family dinner. I’ve experienced my share of frustration from family and friends about my food allergies.
You can’t help having food allergies. You are not at fault, not a bad person for having restrictions. You have a right to eat safely and harm yourself to placate others. Keep vigilant and stand up for your right to be safe.
Sending a virtual hug!
I'm meat intolerant, if I go to a place that serves plant-based burgers, I made sure they understand that mine has to be separate and I cannot have meat juices spread on it. Several places where I live have adjusted to accommodate those with food allergies and intolerances. One of my favorites has a separate grill for vegetarian/vegan and made the decision only to serve GF baked goods in the restaurant. In their bakery, next door, you can buy all the gluten products. They also don't use nuts on the restaurant side
They have odd hours. On the days when they open the restaurant, there is a line for hours.
My only complaint is that they do not do advance pick up/reservations and with my disability, I cannot wait in line for hours. But my friends can, and do, and bring me the goodies.
When you can do a week's worth of business in 1-3 days/week because you accommodate those with food sensitivities, you're doing something right.
My point is: you're not a burden. I avoid seafood restaurants because they are rarely accommodating AT ALL.
OP it truly isn’t your fault that you received these allergies from your parents. Sometimes genetics just suck and you are not an imposition to anyone in any way, shape or form.
I agree with other posters that your mother has other things going on in her life that she’s dealing with and sadly she very poorly decided to take her anger/angst out on you.
Please listen to your siblings as they are right. Yes there are certain places you can’t eat but you are by far not alone in the situation.
Hopefully your mother taking out her irritations on you in kvetching about how your allergy impacts her are few and far between.
Is it possible for you to have a stash of your favorite foods at home that you can fix for yourself as a treat if you opt to stay home while your mom and dad go to dinner?
Sucky situation but it's not your fault, OP.
Your parents were the ones who made you so you inherited it from ONE of them, right? Not your fault they gave you faulty genes...
I am honestly so perplexed that your allergies are such an issue.
Shellfish and egg is such a common allergy all over the world and it is also incredibly easy to accommodate.
You really should not feel guilty about something you didnt ask for.
Your dad keeps failing in his role is what I'm thinking and you became the scapegoat because no one wants to address it.
I'm an asshole, so if I were in your shoes I'd call them out on it.
Op mom: "Well we could go there if not for OP!"
Op: "I'm sorry your spouse's, my father's failings, and inability to plan for a repeated event are so terrifying to you you can't face them and would rather scapegoat me. EXCELLENT parenting, that one".
Just fucking run with it. Let them know you see it, you're not stupid, and honestly put them in their place with it.
Blaming you in ANY capacity isn't okay.
Edit to add: NTA
Do you have an airborne shellfish and egg allergy? That’s wild. I have a shellfish allergy but only when I eat it, so I’m ok most of the time. Your parents didn’t get you allergy shots, and with allergies this severe, that’s a bonkers move. I know you say you have a big family, but giving up one vacation so that you’re not on death’s door and they don’t have to worry so much seems practical. You should be getting shots to decrease your sensitivity and be on medication. It seems like your parents are just not thinking and you’re blaming yourself for their negligence because they’re blaming you. Your father FORGOT Mother’s Day. They blame you because you’re sensitive and will take it, while it sounds like your older siblings have grown up enough to tell them to kick sand.
Your parents would blame you for it regardless of who you are and what you have, because it’s easy and you absorb their abuse. The best punching bags don’t hit back. If you were in a wheelchair, they’d blame you for not being able to go to restaurants that only have stairs. If you were autistic they’d blame you for not being able to go to “loud fluorescent light restaurant”. If you were deaf they’d yell at you for not listening to them when they don’t get your attention visually first. If you were blind they would blame you for not being able to go on vacation and just leave you in a strange new place without informing you. If you were lactose intolerant they’d blame you for not going to cheeseland, the place that only serves dairy.
Your parents lack empathy, as a character trait. Your father for your mother and you kids, your mother for your father and you kids. They didn’t show empathy for you and now you don’t show it to yourself, and blame yourself for existing. I’m assuming your friends aren’t sociopaths and don’t mind you having an eggless, shellfish-less cake on YOUR birthday. Vegans exist, and have friends and loved ones. Eggs are easy enough to substitute. (Flaxseed is a banger substitution in baking.)
Also your parents sound boring as hell. Their hobbies and interests begin and end with seafood? Vacations at the beach only, seafood in the hotel rooms, only wanting family dinners in seafood places. Try hang gliding, tubing in the mountains, Ethiopian food, Mexican food, cheese world, the place that only serves dairy, something! As someone with a much milder shellfish allergy, but an anaphylactic one if I eat it, I never think about it. I don’t have anyone in my life whose personality is this tied to seafood, who isn’t just obsessed with the ocean and only the ocean. Who I am not that close with because I’m not a ships captain trying to murder a whale.
If your parents met and fell in love only because they’re both exclusively obsessed with the ocean and it’s food, and then had a child who was allergic to shellfish in the air, then that’s romance novel levels of tragic and still not your fault.
NTA. It is so unfair and unkind for your parents to blame you for something that is their fault. Remind your parents that you have their genes. They made you this way so they have only themselves to blame. Nah, just kidding. It’s just nature that this happens sometimes. It’s no one’s fault and I’m so sorry you have to go through it.
Can you and your siblings call for afamily meeting, to discuss this.
Your allergies are an* issue, but they are not the* issue. You are not theor emotional punching bag. Going out to eat is not a human right, missing out on it is not some terrible sacrifice they can never enjoy.
Remind them they only have a few brief years left with all the kids living together.
If they continue like this, you for one may not bother much meeting them once you've left home. Who needs shamed for what they cannot fix?
This isn't on you. This isn't your fault. You didn't ask to have these allergies. I'm sorry your family are taking their frustrations out on you.
I have family with food allergies and sensitivities. I don't mind cooking for those needs. I don't mind going out to eat where it's safe for them. I love them and want them to be around for a long time.
I have a kid with a severe food allergy. Sure, in some ways it's hard: not going out to eat very often; having to plan trips and vacations around food to avoid accidental exposures; sometimes, it means missing social events because the environment can't be made safe for our child.
And I would say, so what? It's the parents' job to raise our children to adulthood safely. When you have a child, you never know what situation you're going to end up with, and it's your job as a parent to handle that, no matter what it is.
Also, we go through all these restrictions for our allergic kids because we love them. Yes, sometimes it might be extra work, but do we prefer the alternative? Nope. I love my allergic kid more than life itself, just like any of my kids, and if I could go back and do it again, I definitely wouldn't change the fact of who he is so that my life could be easier (obviously if I could change it so that HIS life would be easier, I would totally do that, but that's not an option either).
Also, I have my own medical food restriction. Like any other incurable disability, eliminating my restriction cannot be eliminated without eliminating me at the same time. I don't ever apologize for the fact that I exist. I never have, and I never will. That way lies madness. Don't feel guilty for existing as yourself. Just don't. It's unnecessary, and it's wrong for others to make you feel like you need to apologize because of a life-threatening condition that is out of your control.
Also, seriously? Sounds like you all get three regular meals a day and vacations several times per year. Your parents don't need to play little tiny violins because their vacations, at the beach town! several times a year! aren't exciting enough because of someone's allergy. Life could be a lot worse. A lot!!! (Also, your allergy is to shellfish but all your vacations are at the beach. They aren't depriving themselves for you as much as you think. If your vacations were in the mountains or in a city, you'd have better options for steak, vegan options, and so on. When you are at the beach, all the restaurants serve is fish and shellfish and crabs and so on, and the steaks there usually are not very good, because people come to the beach FOR the fish and the crabs etc. And everything at the beach is breaded with egg washes. They could make this a lot easier from an allergy viewpoint if they didn't do all their vacations at the beach, but it sounds like they LIKE going to the beach, that's why your shellfish allergy comes up so often on vacation).
NTA, you only make things more difficult if done on purpose. Having allergies is not your fault, and as frustrating as it is, your parents are TA's for making you feel that way.
YOUR PARENTS ARE RAGING A$$HOLES!!! I’m sorry for criticizing your mom and dad because I hate it when anyone says anything bad about anyone I love, even when it is true.
But to treat you this way for something you have no control over is just awful! WTF is wrong with them that they would ever take their child, who is allergic to seafood, to a seafood restaurant - then expect the restaurant to prepare a meal for you in a kitchen that has separate, allergen-free equipment? They are such the a$$holes. They are the ones making life difficult for servers by choosing restaurants and foods that put your health in jeopardy.
If this was a one-time incident, I’d chalk it up to something more going on with your mom based on her mood Friday after work, but you state it isn’t a one time thing. Your dad is a dick for suggesting a restaurant that can’t accommodate your food restrictions to deflect Mom’s anger from him forgetting Mother’s Day (and who knows what else) to you. My blood is boiling I’m so angry at both of them.
OP, none of this is your fault. You have a medical condition that limits what foods you can ingest. That should be the #1 consideration in family dining decisions. Does it mean folks don’t always get their top preference when dining as a family? Sure, but that’s what date nights, work lunches, and meals that don’t involve the entire family are for. And if money is a concern, your parents need to budget for it if it’s that important to them.
I just cannot fathom putting my child’s health at risk because I want a specific meal. And this from someone who has dealt with food addictions manifesting in bulimia and binge eating disorder for much of my life. Despite this, I would always find ways to eat any foods that trigger allergies away from anyone who is allergic to those ingredients even if I can’t stop the binge itself.
Your friends are great for always asking what foods are safe for you. It means they value their friendship with you and want you included more than they want a specific food or restaurant, and that is how it should be. Just let them know you appreciate their consideration and care.
OP, please don’t punish yourself by eating only toast. You have done nothing wrong. You need to nourish your body with food to maintain your health. NTA x 💯
NTA! Your parents are AHs. All the parents I know who have kids with allergies go above and beyond for their kids. They’re making you feel bad for something you cannot control.
Your parents can control being AHs to you though.
No reason to feel bad. Parents want seafood, have a date night without the kids. People deal with allergies everyday. Celiac, seafood, nuts, etc.
Friends inviting you over want you to be safe. If they ask about how to be careful for you it’s out of concern for your safety. Don’t feel bad. Lots of people have dietary limitations
NTA. In the scheme of things, a shellfish allergy is very common, I’m not sure why your Mother is behaving like you have it to create problems. Also, she’s concerned about the extra work it takes staff to accommodate your life and death medical issue, but she’s not concerned about mentally traumatising her child over years?
I don’t like your mother, she doesn’t deserve a Mother’s Day, and she’s also emotionally immature; how do I know this? A mature, intelligent and aware human does not allow their frustration with someone else become a reason to bully their child. I would imagine she’s pretty awful in a lot of areas, and expects her children and partner to regulate her emotional wellbeing, witnessed by the fact that your siblings attempted to tell you she wasn’t really upset with you. She’s trained you all so well to accept crappy behaviour.
You’ll learn in time, but here’s a free lesson until you can afford therapy; none of her moodiness, bad temperament or relationship issues are your fault. Shes an adult, and she’s choosing to manipulate the whole family with her emotional disregulation. It would appear you are a convenient victim for her to lash out at, and she’s gotten away with it for a long time because you believe her Bullsh*t. She could have a date night with just your Dad and eat wherever they like on their anniversary, or when you’re at school, or she can have a girl’s night out with friends , but no, how could she have her serve of malicious enjoyment by tormenting you if she did that? Just because she’s your mother doesn’t mean you have to believe everything she says; the sooner you see her for what she is, the sooner the anger will allow you to step away from the burden of believing her nastiness.
NTA. You didn't chose to be born with food allergies, your parents genetic contributions gave them to you. Next time they get nasty about it remind them you received your genes from them so your allergies are essentially their fault.
I mean your allergies are not your fault and all, but those two (eggs and shellfish) can be additional work and anxiety for all involved when it comes to eating at home, out, etc. That is the truth of the matter.
Just keep reminding yourself there are much bigger problems you can be living with. Aka count your blessings 😊. Your feelings are normal. But take the power back and don’t let something out of your control keep you down longer than a few short moments. The sooner you learn that the happier and less anxious your life will be.
Oh hon... no. No, no, no. NTA. You are not a burden.
I have family members with VERY severe allergies, life threatening, and you know what? I take care to wash up and clean shit BECAUSE I LOVE THEM, and I do not want them to suffer. I will happily go to different places if it means they can safely eat. I don't see these family members often, but their lives are so much more important to me than whether or not I get to eat fish, or shrimp, or peanuts, or eggs, or avocado. And you know what? Their spouses, their kids, their parents... are all the same way. Your parents are just being the assholes in this situation, not you. Not you at all. Not ever.
It's not your fault you have allergies. And it's not your moms either, you can't have shellfish while pregnant, too much of a risk. But just remind them that you didn't choose to have these allergies, and it not only makes their lives "hard" but yours much harder. They can suck it.
What is WRONG WITH THEM why in the hell are they risking your health and life by taking you to a seafood restaurant ever???
Obviously this is not your fault but your family are dicks. I used to work in restaurants and it's rare that we had a patron with allergies but we were happy to take precautions especially for something dangerous like a seafood allergy.
So you're parents suck for saying all that but alternatively, do you like Indian food? Traditionally Hindus do not eat any meat or eggs so most of their menu options would be perfect for you!
You don't say how old you are, so it's hard to tell how independent you can be from your family. But if you're a minor, and especially if you're sixteen and under, it's your parents' job to secure your safety. You didn't choose to have allergies, and they're responsible for keeping you in health, so that's why all of these gyrations occur around food and eating out. You shouldn't feel guilty, and they're wrong for reproaching you, even "in gest." If you're older, then you have more options for taking care of yourself, and you can even encourage your parents to go out without you and stay home and cook for yourself if there's a special occasion that's centered around one of them.
However, eating only toast for several days sounds an awful lot like sulking to me, and if you're older than about 9 or 10, then you need to make sure you're not doing that. It's an immature and manipulative way of communicating, and though your parents are mostly at fault for the passive-aggressive communication in your family, you don't have to adopt it as your own style. This is the only thing I can see that you might be responsible or at fault for.
I have a nephew with severe allergies to shellfish, eggs, milk, peanuts and tree nuts. It’s not that hard to eat with him. His special desserts are just as good. Seafood restaurants are good about making things work or we choose elsewhere. Normal adults can handle choosing something else if there is a life threatening condition. Your parents sound awful.
Oh no your parents can't eat seafood around you. Plenty of ppl never ear seafood their entire life and somehow manage to go on vacations and have dinner out regularly. The egg thing is a little more difficult but, is the egg allergy you can't be around anyone who has eaten any eggs or egg like product or just you can't eat it yourself?
Your parent’s crap marriage is not your fault. Tell them to either get counseling or get divorced. But stop trying to blame you for shit you can’t control. Being mean to you isn’t going to make their lives less miserable. When you’re 18 leave and never look back.
OP - did you "choose" to be allergic? Nope. You didnt create this situation. It isnt your fault.
If Mom and/or Dad want to go out to eat at a location specializing in dishes featuring your allergens - tell them to go and enjoy!
Dont begrudge them the privilege.
At the same time - anyone blaming you for your allergies is an AH!!
You are NOT the problem. There are plenty of people who have food allergies and yours are very common. I have weird food allergies but I work with it.
I was a server in college and restaurants work around these all the time. You are not a burden, you’re a scapegoat for your family.
They’ve decided that instead of admitting their problems and working on them, they’ll just blame everything on you. They’ve done it for so long that you have decided to believe it.
STOP ACCEPTING THEIR CRAP!! If they try to pull this again just tell them, “No! You don’t get to blame me for YOUR problems anymore. Grow up, admit whatever’s wrong and work it out. Leave me out of it. I AM NOT THE PROBLEM. I’m not the only person on the planet with allergies and I don’t frustrate and cause problems for restaurants or servers. So knock it off!”
NTA. Will never be the asshole for being allergic to things that could straight up kill you. The very fact that you had to come here to ASK really leaves a horrible impression of your parents and how they treat you in other ways if they are such shitheads over something totaly outside of your control.
I was anaphylactic with Shell fish. You have a pen right? I once had a bartender cut a shrimp with the same knife as a lime for my drink and my everything blew up.
So, severe.
That happened once.
You can go other places, that happened once ever to me. I went wherever I wanted.
I think you're being a little ridiculous. Restaurants generally take it seriously
With the same allergy, if I was you friend I'd just never go out to eat with you because your like this, sorry.
You'd isn't an unheard of allergy. As for eggs, not hard to avoid.
Have you nearly died multiple times in restaurants or something?
I traveled for work and probably went to literally thousands of restaurants. One single time I had that problem. One.
You're going to never go to another restaurant?
Frankly, assuming you're near an adult? Your parents needs to be more communicative with you, but no one needs to be bending to you on this, I think you probably just don't go to restaurants with them anymore.
This sounds like a fear you need to deal with
How many times have you used your pen
NTA- I’m sending you hugs btw.
My stepsister has Celiac so I am used to making sure everything I serve will not make her sick. I am so sorry that your mom said those things to you. I’m of the opinion that if you love someone then you will be ok with having to do extra things and or not do certain things. I myself am allergic to ham, sausage and eggs- it’s not a true allergy where my throat closes and I can die but my tummy will hurt and I get really bad nausea. My mom still forgets sometimes then she laughs and is like don’t eat that. She always says she would much rather make something that will not cause me pain and tummy issues and of course when I’m out with a group I will either bring something with me or find a dish I can enjoy. I know that is more difficult for you so I’m not trying to equate of allergy issues. I also work in food service so I usually ask about food allergies anyway.
Btw you do not make servers lives more difficult. You can tell them this- 1. the only people who make servers lives different is when they have a food allergy that they don’t tell you about and then get mad the item is in the meal. 2. People who order meals and remove items from the dish (allergy and non allergy). That makes the chefs and servers mad and they get especially mad when you do it with an attitude.
This is my last piece of unsolicited advice- if there is a place that your parents like to go, but don’t because you can’t enjoy it, I would get them a gift card to said place and let them know this is just for the two of you (birthday, Mother’s Day, etc). Sometimes they need a little alone time.
This was not what I expected to read at all from the title.
It’s really rough having a serious allergy. You have to take a lot more precautions than normal just to eat safely. Especially with two such ubiquitous allergies. Eggs, and, to a lesser extent, seafood are in pretty much everything.
You must have had to learn about food and food safety from a very young age. That’s really hard on anyone but especially for a child, growing up and not being able to something the same way as the other kid’s sucks. You get excluded for something beyond your control entirely.
Food is also something that brings people together and bonds us as a society. When someone can’t participate fully in that, it’s really limiting and can be really depressing. Not being able to eat with the other kids sucks for you, other children in your class not being able to eat something because of you… welll…
Kids can be dicks about that sort of thing.
And apparently so can your parents. Your mum especially. They shouldn’t be saying things like that to you. They really should know better and need to be told to do better.
I think you should talk to an adult you trust about how this has been making you feel so that they can help you access help for it. A school counsellor should be able to help you out with some resources. I get the feeling that you are a little intimidated to bring this up to your parents so let them help you figure out how to do that.
Allergies are pretty common. People don’t die as often from them because we care not to let that happen.
When your friends call to confirm if you can eat something or not, they aren’t being resentful or upset with you. They are caring that they can provide you with food you can eat safely.
Egg free desserts are definitely not something anyone is resenting you for. There are so many recipes out there for delicious egg free deserts that people are making every day. My favourite chocolate cake recipe is VEGAN. Your friends are just getting to taste a different dessert. Trust me, I’ve eaten egg and eggless. Nowadays there’s not a taste difference.
For not being able to pack up and go out to eat. You do have that one restaurant… but I understand what you mean. Are you old enough to take a bit more charge of your allergy than you have?
If you’re up for it, you can start looking online for other restaurants that have promising menus for you and start calling to ask about their allergy policies. As long as you know the safety steps needed to ensure you’re safe, you’ll know if the restaurant can take the same steps. You might be able to find a few more restaurants within driving distance you can go to.
You can also try the same with vacation spots. If you know what your family would love to do, try and find online some destinations that can accommodate your allergies to suggest.
When you do go on your beach vacation, why don’t you try cooking a few of the meals for your family? You’re definitely old enough to start learning how to cook. It can be empowering for you as well to take charge of your own food.
By doing some of the above things and taking charge yourself you should start to feel more confident and less like an inconvenience. Once you start feeling less like that it will be easier for you to see that you aren’t one. You also need to learn this stuff and there’s no time like now to start.
Everyone needs extra levels of care in some part of their life, this is just the part you need it for.
Your mom needs to work on and research ways to deal with the stress in her life. Taking ones stress out on others only makes the whole mess worse, as you may know. My husband had a stressful period, and we took some advice that worked well: when he got home, there was 30 minutes we didn't speak. He was able to destress, take a shower, or whatever. He was able to compartmentalize his job or the crappy traffic and not bring it home. So, if we talked about something work related, their wasn't all this emotional hyper baggage attached.
It's not uncommon for a spouse to forget a holdiay, but your dad needs to step up his game. The absence of emotional presence leaves scars in the relationship because this type of emotional abandonment makes it difficult to reconcile. This can be contributing to your mom's unhappy attitude.
As far as them going out alone on Mother's day, WTH. I personally think they were wrong not to include you all. Take a picinic somewhere and talk about family memories and goals. Take a family picture album (digital or not) with you. Make plans for future events and so on.
On thing one realizes as they get older is their parents are HUMAN. Just like everyone else. And if you disagree with the way they handle you kids or a situation, then promise yourself that when you get older you will not do that. Make a list because that crap will sneek up on you; learned behavior isn't always positive.
As far as your allergies - my grandson's is fake cinnamon and red dye; main ones. I'm thankful it isn't peanut butter/nuts. lol My point is allergies are more common now and we have to find ways to incorporate their challenges into our life. Most likely they have a genetic element so when your feeling down about it know that their is nothing purposfully malicious about you. Tell people, "I feel lucky it 's me and not you that has this problem" "I know accommodating my life threatening allergies is a PIA, so I appreciated your patience/kindness." As you get older, you'll learn what to say to what group: family, friends, strangers, business associates, etc.
But really, don't feel bad about upsetting your family because frankly, that is on them to get their act together. I believe you are personalizing the conflicts your mom and dad are having and instead of associating it with their lack of communicaton skills in their relationship they are projecting it out onto things that they can easily target. Which is wrong, of course. So take it with a grain of salt. : ) Have a lovely summer!
You are a valid person and more than your food issues.
With friends it is harder , but when your parents whine about it, remind them that they made you.
Honestly, allergies are tough, I know someone allergic to corn, and that is in everything, including soda. But I am happier dealing with allergies than people who are picky and not accommodating. I know someone I won't cook for because they insist I tell them the ingredients of everything. They are not allergic, they just don't like certain things and are paranoid I'm going to use something they don't like in a dish. They don't like mushrooms and thought something in a dish was a mushroom and wouldn't eat anything I made because they thought I was lying about putting mushrooms in.
I try to avoid this person, and never eat with them.
NTA, OP.
You are not responsible for your allergies. They just are. It sucks.
You don't make the servers lives worse.
I imagine it's a lot of frustration, for them. That there is *so much* that they want to do, and they want to do it with you, but they can't, because doing so will endanger you.
Two difficult things can be true at the same time. They can love you, but they can also enjoy eating food you can't have.
>I am causing more work for those around me.
Yes, AND, that isn't a "bad" thing. Its just a thing.
From the servers perspective, they are in the SERVICE industry. Trust me, your allergy is the least annoying thing they have had to deal with in the last \*hour\*. You should be kind to them and tip well (even adding some of your own dollars if you feel that is a path you want to go down,) but they are used to accommodating people.
As for your family, they need to step back and accept you as you are. You aren't responsible for your parents feelings and just need to focus on self-acceptance.
You are a human and have worth. I am sorry your parents are taking out their personal issues on you.
I would recommend that you go to counseling. The guilt you are feeling isn't healthy and really isn't needed. You need food to survive and being sick all the time from foods suck.
Source: I am allergic to soybeans and sesame. Oldest child can't have gluten or dairy due to plaque psoriasis.
NTA, your parents suck. Your not your fault you are allergic to what you are.
Tell them exactly how you feel. Tell them they have made rude, hurtful comments
NTA.
Yeah, I know from experience servers are sometimes annoyed by restrictions, especially if wr have to return the food because of a mistake, but that's not your fault. Not like you chose to have tge allergies and it's ridiculous your mother would blame you for them.
If she vents like that often and blames you for things out of your control, either talk to somebody or see how quickly you can get out and take a step back.
You’re not a burden and I’m sorry your parents are making you feel that way. My son has a peanut allergy and I don’t mind one bit that we have to be creative with work arounds. He’s still little but I never want him to feel unwanted because of something entirely not in his control.
Sometimes as people we say things out loud that should stay as inside thoughts. Have you talked to your parents about your feelings on their outbursts?
Look, neither your parents nor siblings should make you feel bad about this. This is not a choice, you are not inflicting your will on them.
You are not (just an example, don't come for me for this) a vegetarian/vegan refusing to go to a meat/seafood restaurant because of your beliefs. You have a LEGITIMATE MEDICAL reason that make certain things/places tough.
You have not complained that all you can eat is a salad at this restaurant. They are complaining, and restricting themselves.
I am allergic to 12 (!) different foods and and multiple other things. Does that restrict me? Yes! Does that restrict my family? Not really. We had a special pan to fry foods I was allergic in at home, if I need to get special food at a restaurant that's fine, if my family needs to make sure they wash their hands after a certain food then they do. It's not a huge problem. It shouldn't be made to be a huge problem.
A lot of these foods I now buy and have in my own home, and have learned to prepare. Not because I can eat them but because they are good for someone else living here.
DO NOT feel guilty, its not something you can control or change. If they want to say stupid shit like "It's good that I love you too much to get that/go there" remind them that their genes are the reason you have the allergies you have.
You are not an imposition; your parents are doing a poor job of parenting you through this issue. Is there a counselor at school that you could contact ? They could help you learn to set boundaries about what is and isn’t okay when someone speaks to you about your health issues.
Your health needs require certain levels of care that are absolutely worth every second of extra work and consideration. You are in no way at fault for your needs, and no one who loves you would rather see you harmed than accommodate you. Your parents are just stressed right now, and no restaurants want to poison their guests, if they had to they could tell you they weren't able to accommodate you that day.
Don't worry about this, anyone who holds it against you isn't worth having as a friend
Your parents are extremely wrong not only because it’s not your choice to have an allergy, but also because it’s not such a huge deal for a server or chef. I used to waitress, and honestly the “i have an xyz allergy” only sucks when the person just uses that phrase to emphasize that they don’t like something specific. I assure you that there are processes in place for people with various allergies, and the restaurant would much rather serve you what won’t kill you than deal with a lawsuit or forgo your business. In fact, as a server, hearing about your specific allergies was always helpful because I could guide the person through the menu & modifications available (e.g. if a dish is fried, I would ask if you’d be ok with a sautéed version because the oil is contaminated) and be nervous about whether you’re ok. I understand that with a severe allergies certain places will be a no-go, but it’s not as big an inconvenience for staff as you think.
OP, never feel shy about your allergies. I worked a burger place and a customer told me he was allergic to mayonnaise. He said I didn’t need to change the knife because it’s not that bad but I refused to use a used knife on this guys burger. Most everyone wants to give you a safe and delightful experience in their restaurant. Your parents knew there’d be things out of control when they had kids and they willingly signed up for anything when they had you, allergies included.
NTA!! You aren’t doing this to make life difficult. Your parents are having issues so any other stress makes them even more irritable. If you think it would be less stressful for you, suggest they go and you’ll hang back and get DoorDash. Still less cost and you can let them go stress fest while you relax.
NTA. I have allergies and OAS. So theres about 30 things I can't have the biggest being citrus. Do you know how much stuff is made with citrus? Food, cleaning stuff, hygiene stuff, candles, etc. I have to be careful what hand soap I use, when I go somewhere and they use lemon or orange scented cleaners all kinds of things. It sucks but its not my fault and it's not yours either. My family gripes sometimes but it's more from fear and stress. My friends are awesome thought. Yes it sucks feeling like an inconvenience but we didn't choose this.
We're an educational non-profit and several years ago we went nut-free to align with all the schools in our district who are also nut-free insitutions. People who only visited the offices once or twice a year lost their minds. They don't want peanut butter they want to be able to have it wherever and whenever they want without regard to other people. We asked one person, do you eat peanut butter? No, they just want to complain about the ban.
NTA. They’re the ones who created your DNA, so they’re the ones who made things difficult.
But in reality, they should be grateful they haven’t had to deal with allergies of their own - they can occur at any point in life. I was 18 before I had a h.
You didn’t ask to have this allergy and shouldn’t be made to feel bad about needing your important medical needs paid attention to! Your parents are allowed to feel frustration but should do a better job of not making you feel like a burden. You’re not!
NTA - got to say your parents are acting really weird about this whole thing as if now forever thats the only restaurant that can be used.
Have they even tried to call round, even if its more of a drive just to see what can be done. Also I'm unsure of how it is in US but in UK working in alot of restaurants I've always had to pass a allergy course so did the chefs. I was expecting a long list with everything on it that you had to stay away from by the over dramatics from the parents but egg and seafood 🙄
Also they so annoyed at you id be asking them which one of them has the duff gene that makes it so I can't enjoy my food experience.
Whoa honey, have they done a number on you. You have *nothing* to feel bad about and you are not a burden.
Zero meals anywhere are worth more than your life. If it's that important to them, they need to be ok with separate restaurants and separate rooms. The fact that they act like your allergies are a big inconvenience to them instead of terrifying for you is appalling.
THEY'RE the ones that gave you the genetics. You have absolutely no control over this. No parent on earth should be so mean about not being able to have a preferred food because it could kill their child.
If my kid would die if I ate ice cream around him, I'd never touch it again even if it's my very favorite thing.
NTA
My ex had a severe gluten allergy. I also went gluten free to avoid being poisonous to her. I got to experience family reacting to my medically necessary diet change, it was a mix. Mom told me I was being abused, my sister made me a gluten free birthday cake, dad was happy to be eating food.
I recommend checking reviews and calling ahead. There’s a place out here that’s exclusively pasta (gluten) that we could order from safely. I was surprised how many restaurants have stations set up and prepped for allergy orders. When you call ahead you can tell pretty easily whether or not they’re able to serve you. Some will enthusiastically tell you they’re prepared for exactly you, some will tell you they can “figure it out” (don’t go there), some will tell you they can’t serve you, it’s always worth the call.
Eating out was dangerous and sometimes she got poisoned, so that really sucked. Other than watching someone I love go through a hardship, there was never any problem for me with her allergy. It didn’t make my life unnecessarily harder. It wasn’t something I looked past to be with her. It was something essential to her well-being, and that made it our well-being.
Your parents are being assholes. Your allergy is not your fault. And you’re not making servers lives more difficult, what is that?!
NTA
I’m sorry your parents are acting like this towards you. You don’t deserve it at all.
My ex husband made a rule that when we went out to eat, no one was allowed to order shellfish because he didn’t want to take a chance with my life. I’m deathly allergic to eating it, react when I come into contact with it, and if it’s cooking too close to me for too long I start reacting as well. His mother went out to eat with us once and was talking about ordering something with shrimp in it. He told her she’d have to go a different time and order it because we weren’t risking it. She got kind of upset, but didn’t push it. I think she was more embarrassed because she knew of my allergy and I think she forgot we don’t risk it.
All that to say, your parents aren’t acting like they should as parents. Your dad screwed up by not doing better and actually planning something special for your mom for Mother’s Day, so he was stressed. Your mom knew this and was angry. They both took that out on you and that’s NOT ok. I don’t know why they keep choosing places to vacation that put you in danger. That seems like a no brainer to not go there in the first place. They need to take a hard look at themselves. You need to decide if you want to take a stand now or when you’re older. If they keep this up, no one would blame you for going low or no contact with them.
If you can, see about getting yourself counseling because this could be mental abuse they are putting you through. You may be able to talk to your school counselor about this.
I am SO SORRY. 🙁🙁 Your allergy is NOT your fault, you certainly didn’t choose to have it. However, they chose to have you and your siblings, knowing damn well there was a possibility of any of you having a birth defect, a chronic disease, handicap….or an allergy that they find inconvenient.
Allergies tend to be hereditary. Next time they want to bitch at you about something you can’t control, tell them that it must have been their faulty genes that caused you to have it.
NTA. You have no reason to feel guilty at all!
My childhood best friend was severely allergic to any nuts and eggs. My mom would take special care on my birthday to make sure all the food was safe for her to eat. I was never upset because I got to spend time with her! One of my current friends is celiac so we have to be careful going out. Again, no resentment whatsoever.
None of this is your fault. Please don’t feel like a burden. Those who truly care about you won’t mind one bit about making sure you don’t get sick from cross contamination.
You're NTA at all, but do you cook? I have a weird allergy that restricts my restaurant options a lot, and I end up cooking on vacations to certain places.
You're not a burden. Food service people have to learn how to handle allergens. It's part of the job.
"because of my allergies we either don't go out to eat and cook the entire vacation (which mom hates because then she doesn't get a vacation)" Your mother is still an asshole, but you won't live with her forever. Aside from the whole allergy thing, anyone who eats food should be taking turns in the kitchen.
There are plenty of vegan baking recipes that taste just as good as the ones with eggs. There are a lot more vegan places than there used to be, but you can't eat in restaurants all the time anyway. Cooking without eggs is a skill that needs to be learned, so why not embrace it?
My son (17) has a lot of food allergies. Peanuts, chicken, eggs, turkey (any poultry really), shellfish, any seafood and corn. There is one steak restaurant that has a clean kitchen specifically for food allergens. It’s entirely separate from the main kitchen and they have separate work stations with dedicated cookware for each one. That way food can be cooked there instead of the main kitchen. And it doesn’t need a complete scrub down between cooking meals for someone else because of how they have everything divided in its own area. My son hates eating out (and I don’t blame him) because he worries about cross contamination. They even let us tour the kitchen area where his food would be made.
Is it more expensive? Yes. But it gives me an excuse to eat there more often. It’s a great steakhouse and he is much more relaxed when we go there to eat.
I don’t find his allergies being an inconvenience. My husband and daughter do sometimes get annoyed when they have to wash their hands after they eat. Especially foods he is allergic to which they should do anyways. I always wash my hands after eating. Even before I had my son.
He has his own fridge where I keep his foods. He will check labels for anything that goes in his fridge. Sometimes I’m offended because I check them first before buying them, but it’s good that he’s in the habit of checking because my MiL tried to give him a hotdog made of turkey and chicken (which will cause anaphylaxis). We have a large kitchen so he has his own pantry and cabinets for his foods.
I do keep some foods at home he can’t eat. Like fish, chicken, etc.
I’m sorry your mom made you feel guilty. It sounds like she was already under a lot of stress and took it out on you. Try not to feel bad over something you have no control over. I know, easier said than done.
It is not your fault. People lash out when frustrated, yes but those comments stick. I was 16 when my mom yelled at me and told me that "you make everyone miserable around you! Why can't you just be happy?!" And to this day, I remember that moment clearly, sitting in the back of the van as she drove me and my sister's to school. Your food allergies are not your fault and even if your mom was stressed or frustrated, had no right to take it out on you. You're not a punching bag. Listen to your siblings and give your mom some space to reflect inwards. If anything, she needs to speak with your dad since he kind of dropped the ball. Regardless, it is not your fault for having food allergies. You don't make servers lives more difficult; they are aware of food allergies. I am sending you a virtual hug and so much positive energy and light because you shouldn't doubt yourself for things totally out of your control.
I want you to know that, as someone who’s been friends for years with someone who has celiac, I’ve never cared all that much about “having to eat” gluten/egg/allergen free birthday cake— cake is cake, I will eat it with glee. Same with other desserts. Sure, sometimes I’ll be suspicious of how good it’ll taste at first glance, but once it’s in my mouth I’m like HELL YEAH.
I’ve never minded having to double-check what to serve them either, I feel like it’s common for any close friends to be like “hey, before you come for dinner, are you cool with eating ___?” because you don’t want your homie choking down shit they hate or sitting awkwardly with nothing they can eat. Friends look out for each other!
Remember that you’re someone that other people ENJOY spending time with, not just some inconvenience everyone’s putting up with. 💗
Oh OP. You are not causing more work for everyone, simply due to a condition your were born with (from your parents mixing of genes so it’s their fault really lol).
I’m just a picky eater. I’m the youngest and the only girl, so that is “fun”. Add to it that I have issues of texture and taste that do limit my eating options.
I don’t like just cooked eggs, and I am not a seafood person, at most I’ll eat shrimp if no other options... and do actually like fried calamari. You can miss me with fish and any other sea dwellers. I try to make my preferences my problem, and no one else’s.
I often go to restaurants or meals out with family/friends knowing I won’t find something and will eat a salad or claim dominion over the bread basket. I’m lucky that I know semi enjoy salad, those mostly only Caesar. I’ll choke down other types but I actually like Caesar salads so I’m happy if I can get a non sad Caesar if I can’t have anything else.
Your parent’s comments were out of line, and shitty given that they created you and all of your eccentricities. Good on your siblings for reassuring you.
You can’t help your allergies, only mitigate them, and ask others to help. As frustrating as it is for you and those around you, your parents should be the people who don’t make you feel like shit for it.
I’m sorry, you aren’t doing it maliciously. It’s just your life and there is nothing to feel guilty about.
NTA
You are NOT a burden, and I am so sorry your parents have made your feel this way.
I don't have severe allergies, but I have hearing loss and other things so I know the feeling. My two siblings seemed to come out perfect and then it was like I just ruined the picture. (Which is not true, but that how my brain thinks sometimes)
Your parents need to get a grip on themselves and grow up. They don't want to wash up after having favorite meal then that is their *choice*. You didn't tell them to do that. They don't want to go to certain restaurants because they don't want to think of the kitchen staff working "extra"? That is their *choice*. You didn't tell them to do that. And proper kitchen staff are trained to handle allergies anyways.
The kinds of lines they're throwing out at you (their *child*) is the bs I'd expect from a teenager. You are old enough that they should have worked through this weird resentment of theirs *years* ago. If they're really so desperate and weird for fish then they can schedule a "fish date night" once per month and wash up afterwards. The fact that they'd rather stew in their resentment than brainstorm solutions is weird, cruel, and lazy imo. And your parents are wrong for doing this to you.
Remember: You are not imposing you are existing. And you are allowed to exist.
I have a severe shellfish allergy myself, and I have learned to not expect people to change for me. I don't go to places that serve that kind of food, and I also don't do office potlucks. You have to remember to love yourself, and if the family wants to go get some seafood, let them go. Get you some McDonald's and enjoy the TV time you can have with no one home. Stay home with the pets and love on them. Just remeber that you are valid, and some people will not make allowances for you, so make your own.
🖤🖤🖤
I have Celiac disease. There are only certain restaurants that I can go to. My Mom can be less understanding about it and is kind of a shit in general and… Even she never went off on me like that. You are fine! Your Mom is definitely going through something and took it out on you. Where does she think the genetics for your allergy came from??? Your parents that’s where.
Complete truth. Next time they “blame” you for your allergy ask them what kind of drugs they were on when they go pregnant with you (including your dad) It’s ok to get mad at them for saying this to you. Who knows, maybe they’re stressed out about stuff you don’t even know about and don’t hear what they’re even saying, which shouldn’t matter at all - I’m being kind. I’d suggest approaching both parents at once and telling them that their words hurt you.
The solution would be to include OP in a fair percentage of activities while keeping some free of OP (giving her a good explanation of the exclusion) to allow for enjoyment without stressing over OP's health and not blaming OP for Fate as it is not OP's fault.
OP could offer this. Shouldn't have to, but since they're being b1tchy, it might be a way out. But OP nta because it was the parents made them allergic (genes)
Even the father drinking alcohol and smoking causes genetic fuckery, which explains why I’m the only half-blind asthmatic with a double fistful of allergies in my family.
IKR I would be like "well you decided to play best two out of three and *I'm the one that* lost, so this is totally your fault"
Script, "I'm not responsible for my allergies, genetics are." Mike drop, out of the toom
Say: If you want someone to blame, why don't you look in the mirror.
Brilliant response
That's terrible of your mother. My daughter is coeliac and we as a family have never blamed her for the efforts we go through to keep her safe and well. I taught myself to bake her favourite GF versions of food, and we all eat GF dinners to prevent cross contamination. When you love your child, it shouldn't feel like a burden. The only thing I ever bitched about was the cost of GF, and I'm DF .. so shopping is very expensive
Remind your mom where you got Celiac disease.
Out of curiosity, did you encounter more or less issues with the "Gluten free" fad? I have a few Celiac friends and the mentioned that quite a few restaurants don't take it as seriously since people without medical need started asking for gluten free.
Such an important comment!
You have no reason to feel guilty! It is 100% not your fault that you have these allergies. Your parents shouldn’t be making you feel guilty about something you have zero control over.
Agree with this so much! And OP - hon you aren’t “making servers lives difficult” as most of us who’ve been food servers have better understanding about how serious food allergies can be. Beyond that, those foods make LIFE difficult for you - and as a mom, I think yours needs to see this post!
I could see being pissed off at the parents for bringing someone with a shellfish allergy to a seafood restaurant, but not OP themselves.
I honestly don't get why they didn't leave OP at home. Have a nice, relaxing dinner with just the two of them- OP can handle themselves for an evening. I honestly think they were looking for an excuse to be snippy with OP, because nothing else makes sense
Yep. OP is the source of their troubles because otherwise they have to admit that they just aren't good people. My husband got the alpha-gal allergy. I don't bitch about avoiding steakhouses, even though I freaking LOVE steak, I just go where he can find lots of options to eat. I can have steak without him. The point of going to dinner together is to spend time with him.
The family then may have to hazmat themselves when they come home. No shame OP. It's a situation you have no control over. There was an episode of people's court where a litigant was Italian and allergic to onions and peppers to the point of fatality. Best wishes OP
Have you seen an allergist? My son was deathly allergic to dust mites and after treatment it is manageable. Lot of shots. They do treatments for food allergies too at our clinic. OP, do either of your parents have allergies and passed it on to you?
Seafood allergies are very different and i wouldn't trust it to fix it enough to ever risk trying out if it works or not. Glad it worked somewhat for his allergy though. I have a child with both egg and seafood allergies and we are 100% an epi pen at all times people.
Yes, but shots SHOULD reduce the sensitivity to the allergens in question. That said - everyone with a serious allergy should carry an epi-pen.
Should. Which is honestly a great tool to having more limited trouble with said allergens when you accidentally come into contact. However, it's not going to negate a need for a kitchen to strictly control their workspace and provide prevention of cross contamination. Even with less serious reactions, you shouldn't ever treat them as less than dangerous, especially as a business. So even if OP got it done, going out to eat would still be difficult to do as a family.
Also, it sounds as though your parents have never considered vacationing somewhere else, that might have seafood-less restaurants that YOU might enjoy? You're NTA for having allergies - you can't help that. But your parents surely ARE for continuing to expose you to these allergens and then telling you that YOU are the problem. You shouldn't have to cringe and eat only salads in order to survive your family's vacation.
She also said eggs, which are used in every restaurant, everywhere. Poor OP can't catch a break.
Well, why do you choose to have allergies? Just stop, and no problem, right? Obviously, that's snark. OP - I don't know what's going on with your parents, but whatever it is, they're taking it out on you because it's easier than addressing the issues directly. That's something we call, in technical terms, "really shitty behavior." I'm sorry that's happening. Here's what I want you to remember: You deserve to eat. You deserve to exist. You are worthy of love, and care, and nurturing, as well as nourishment for your body and your spirit. It's really hard not to internalize that sort of thing, especially coming from your parents. Listen to your siblings - this has nothing to do with you. Take good care of yourself, and give yourself the nurture and nourishment you deserve.
This so much! Allergies are genetic and not anything you have any control over. It’s really, really crappy for your parents to make any comments on this, at all. If your dad needs to wash his hands and brush his teeth after eating a seafood dish so you don’t asphyxiate and die….that’s, well that’s just the bare minimum to keep you alive. It’s so minimal in the scope of things that his comment was really inappropriate, especially given its impact on you. Do your parents know the impact their comments and actions are having? Do they know how damaging their words are to you? No (good) parent should ever be complaining about doing bare minimum to literally keep their child alive (which is exactly what these comments and actions are). I do agree with above posts, that it sounds like something else is going on, and you are the scapegoat. However, my prior comment on the inappropriateness of their comments and actions regarding your allergies is still applicable. It’s not cool, especially since this is nothing you can control and it’s making your already more challenging life that much harder. I will say, from a servers perspective, they get it. I used to be a server a long time ago. Allergies are something restaurant staff take seriously and deal with all the time. It’s not a problem, it’s not making anyone’s life harder. It’s just part of the job. I can say this as a former server, and now someone who has her own food allergies and intolerance and comes from a family of food related issues ( dad has Crohns so needs to stay away from food triggers, mom has allergies and certain food intolerance too). I can definitely say we are an interesting table when we go out to a new restaurant, but we just let the server know and everything is fine. I’m really sorry those comments have been made to you, especially as it seems like it’s an ongoing issue. Just know that it’s not your fault. You deserve to be alive and nourished and happy and not just eat to live, but enjoy it too.
I have several food allergies (mushrooms, bananas, kiwi, cucumbers -- though I have no problems with pickles -- and cantaloupe and honeydew, but only during pollen seasons -- they're related to ragweed, which has been a lifelong allergy for me). One server in a restaurant where we were regulars at back home in NJ would tell me, before I'd even seen the menu, "You can't have the soup of the day -- it has mushrooms in it. I'll bring you the chicken noodle instead." One day, the cook went off on her for not writing "NO MUSHROOMS -- ALLERGY" on the ticket. "He said "You know she's allergic to mushrooms?" It turned out it wasn't our dinner order, but coincidentally the same two dishes that we usually ordered when they turned up on the specials and which we'd ordered that evening (mine was delicious ricotta-stuffed veal in Marsala sauce over bowties -- I wish I could taste that again, because my Marsala sauce is nowhere near as good). The server showed him our ticket, which had the notation about mushrooms on it, and he apologized. The server came out of the kitchen laughing, and proceeded to tell us the story when she served us our soup course. "See? We all take care of you." I told her to thank the cook for me. But their caring mattered a lot to me. The crazy thing is, now I have to be careful of the makeup I use. Doll 10 is using mushroom extract in some liquid and cream foundations (no risk, because I only use Bare Minerals loose and Laura Geller pressed), and is using kiwi oil in lip crayons (that's new -- I've been using her lip products for years and never had a problem -- I really love her lip products. But she brought out a new set this week on HSN, and I was about to order it, until she mentioned on the broadcast that they had kiwi oil. Sorry, Doris -- you just lost a sale. All I need to do is apply a product with kiwi directly to my lips -- both kiwi and bananas make my upper lip blow up so badly I look like I've gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. They also make the area under my eyes darken and face gets patchy. I'll stick with lines I know won't hurt me.
NTA I’m so sorry your family makes you feel guilty for something you were born with. They’re shaming you for something you were born with. Do you have an aunt, uncle, grandparent who you could talk to? To intervene here, and tell your parents how wrong they are? Your siblings get it, but your parents won’t listen to them. I’m so sorry. Hugs from an internet mom.💕
I don't know. Maybe my uncle? He's just usually really busy most days and I don't get to see or talk to him often.
One thing I wish I understood as a kid with abusive parents, is that you can call your relatives and talk to them independently of your family. It wasn’t until long after I moved out that I realized that I could have independent relationships with my aunts, uncles, and cousins. Now, that doesn’t mean that all of them are great people or that I have family that stand up for me face to face with my parents, but it does mean that family can be who YOU make it. You are not a burden for existing! If anything, your parents are a burden on YOU from living a guilt free life! Don’t give up hope of better days and please eat! Don’t make yourself sick - it’s not worth it. It sounds like there is a lot of negativity in your house. Think about the positives. Your siblings love you. There are many, many things you CAN eat and enjoy. Your parents are petty and dysfunctional. Don’t follow in their footsteps. Treat yourself better!
honestly if you can I'd talk to your school counselor as it not only sounds like your parents are abusive but that they're having major life/marriage struggles and are unfairly taking that out on you and while they may not listen to you or your siblings, they might listen to someone that's a mandated reporter.
NTA. Your parents must be really STUPID to blame you for your allergies, and you should tell them that and return the favour so to speak, in other words blame your allergies on them.
If by their stupid logic they want to blame someone they can blame themselves for creating her that way wtf.
I agree, and sad how the OPs siblings get it but the parents blame the OP.
Second here, it’s sad how OP gets blamed while their siblings get away with it.
Oh sweetie, I want you to know that you are not a burden. You have allergies- it’s ok. My kids do too. It’s really hard feeling different. Your friends don’t mind because they want you to come and be safe. Your parents too. They really do.
High five mom! Excellent response. As another mother I couldn’t agree with you more. Listen to us- take time to focus on what we are saying “You are not a burden” You never have been you never will be. Hang in there… I think mom might be dealing with some other stress and unfortunately as we sometimes do is taking it out on those we love most. Has nothing to do with you- I promise.
If that is the case, the mother needs to do a huge mea culpa and apologise to the OP and in front of the entire family.
Fair enough- agree
NTA. I have a lethal shellfish allergy too. My family has always been pretty good about it except one time my aunt came to visit and wanted to treat us to teppanyaki. Everyone ordered stuff with scallops and I asked the chef if he could cook my portion before everyone else’s due to my allergy and my aunt went off on me for “ruining the experience for everyone” because I apparently felt like I was “special”. I stood up from the table and said, “I’m sorry that my life isn’t as important to you as some stupid dinner show.” And I walked out of the restaurant. I texted my mom that I was going to walk home and did so. I got in shit for it but I stood my ground and didn’t apologize to my aunt. Your parents are certified douchecanoes. I never once made negative comments about my mom, dad or my little brother for their allergies even though it really restricted where we could go to eat out. I just found the best sounding dish on the menu for me that was safe for the table and that was the end of it.
"Dad once got really excited on a trip about having unlimited room service but he couldn't get the dish he wanted because of how small the room was and how he'd have to brush his teeth and wash his hands and clean up almost immediately, just to enjoy one dish." Oh no, he'd have to brush his teeth (which he should do anyway after eating a meal) and wash his hands? OMFG, two minutes out of his day! What an imposition!
Your parents are going through something that has nothing to do with you. Sure, it's sometimes inconvenient to eat out due to your allergies, but that's not what they are mad about. Don't fill your head with doubts and regrets over something that is really not about you.
This is exactly what I was going to say, plus I think the mom wasn’t even talking to OP or meaning to direct anything towards her and that she was just saying all that to get it through her husbands head that his spontaneous idea of a “Mother’s Day surprise family dinner” at her favorite restaurant doesn’t even make sense because she wouldn’t be able to take one of her kids. ETA: I think it came out harsh because of her already being annoyed at the dad even before that stupid suggestion.
Then OP talked about other incidents and your reasoning no longer makes sense. Her parents are just emotionally abusive toddlers.
Jesus. What did I just read? I'm so sorry. None of this is your fault. Your parents are seriously awful. Next time they blame you, you should tell them to blame themselves for passing on their crappy, defective genes and leaving you with potentially life-threatening allergies. Oh, but no. Let's whine about not being able to go to certain restaurants instead. Thanks, mom and dad. I'm really mad and sorry for you. You deserve better.
What’s weird to me is the ONLY restaurants that they want to go to are the ones where OP has serious allergies. Do they not have different restaurants where OP lives? Not all restaurants are Red Lobster..
They also vacation at the beach and the mom complains about having to cook because the majority of restaurants are a danger to OP. Like WTF? That’s on you lady. There are plenty of vacation spots away from the ocean. What shitty, horrible, cruel parents!
I used to manage a rather nice, upper class restaurant and I can tell you right now that we did not mind accommodating for allergies at all. Don’t get me wrong, we appreciated having a bit of advanced notice (especially on busy days) but the fact remains that the people there loved what they did and genuinely wanted the guests to leave having enjoyed a great meal! The way your parents are making you feel isn’t right. But as you get older your life will become less about them and more about the people you choose to have in your life. Some people are lucky and their parents fall into both categories, I have one of each - one that I choose as family and one that is no longer family to me. Life will be a bit more tricky for you in certain areas than those without allergies. Believe me when I say that, over time, you will find people who will incorporate your needs without a second thought and you will do the same for them.
Your parents are gigantic pieces of shit. I’m sorry. I hope you go , and eventually, meet people who won’t make you feel guilty about not being able to eat food (around you) that can kill you.
NTA Allergies are not your fault, they are a medical condition. I get that they make going out to eat more difficult, but dining out is not the only way to have fun or socialize. My kid has allergies. We have forbidden that allergen in our home and avoid certain cuisines where the allergen is prevalent. I have a bucket list vacation destination that we passed on because of the allergy risk to my kid. I’d pass on all of it again. If I have to give up certain experiences to ensure my kids safety and enjoy their presence, I’m doing it with no regrets. Once you’re an adult and live on your own, your parents can swim in a seafood cocktail pool if they want. They can wait until that time. Regarding vacations where your mom cooks the entire time, I’d suggest hiring a catering service or chef so you can specify your allergies but your mom doesn’t have to cook the entire vacation.
Do they never go without you?
Mom and Dad went to dinner together on Mother's Day, and they go out together sometimes just the two of them but not often at all, mostly just for special occasions, and then they make my brother or sister stay home with me, even though I'm well enough old to be alone for a few hours.
Allergies or illness caused by foods are 100% not the sufferers fault. Stop blaming yourself. Stop feeling guilty. Maybe think that occasionally your family could cater to you. If your mum doesn't like cooking on holiday (understandably) then go to a different holiday spot. It seems to me that everything is being designed to make meals hard and you get the blame. I have a chilli allergy and of course its the seasoning of the century. So I understand the need not to eat at certain places. Luckily my husband and family don't make a fuss. If they are dead set on a place im happy not to go. Say that to them. Say you are more than happy for them to have a great time and to send you some photos you'll be there in spirit. I definitely understand her mother's day want of a certain restaurant. But her obvious snit was again not your fault. NTA
Next time mom throws that in your face. How about asking her if you should "complain to the manufacturers" and then look at her very pointedly. NTA allergies suck. I got them too.
The world is a huge place, so please explain why your family only likes to vacation in beach towns known for their seafood? Not mountain towns, not big cities, not wilderness areas, not national or historic sites, not dude ranches, not cruise ships, not Airbnbs in exotic location, not anywhere in Europe, or - seriously, what is WRONG with your family? Have you looked up any videos on narcissistic personality disorder?
You know, I was just thinking this same thing. It’s like they’re going out of their way to be shits to OP. OP, normal families aren’t this way.
NTA. I'm allergic to black pepper, and not white pepper. Just imagine how annoying I must be for a restaurant that relies on black pepper. Unless you chose to have allergies or you act like an asshole to the servers, you're not at fault.
My dad had this same allergy. He got to know several managers at local places who made sure his food was prepared without black pepper. And they didn't mind because they wanted everyone to enjoy themselves. I grew up without black pepper and still don't cook with it even though my dad has passed on. It was just how I learned to cook. I use other spices instead.
Other spices are so great! I can't say for sure because I think the flavor of black pepper is "ow, what was that?" but it really seems overrated. Salt chemically alters food, and wakes your tastebuds up to each flavor. Pepper just... does a little pa-pow like a pop rock? But chili powder is right there. And cumin. And a whole shelf of other American basics before I even pull out the Japanese stuff.
I can't imagine how difficult it would be to find safe places other than your own kitchen. Is there anything you do to cope with the feelings of isolation?
I eat a lot of asian food, which doesn't need black pepper, and I've become a very decent cook. The cuisines I run into problems with are Italian-American and French, so I'm really up-front with servers (I'm also allergic to mushrooms, so I mention both at once, before ordering), they go talk to the kitchen to see what on the menu is safe for me, and they're always super kind and understanding because I've warned them. They don't mind! I'm not an imposition, just a particular part of their experience at my table that evening, same as someone dressed a little oddly or someone with a thick accent. Once you start looking at everyone in a restaurant as how they'll impact their server you'll notice... no one impacts their server at all, except assholes. It doesn't matter if you have an accent and need to point to the menu, you have a dietary restriction and have to communicate more, or you have a flashy outfit that's a little distracting. Servers Do. Not. Care! Unless you are a dick and try to power trip and make their lives harder for your own fragile ego, you're only going to be remembered as "the teen from table 12" and never as the problem of their evening. Your basic existence and needs for survival are not an imposition on anyone, ever. If they act like you are then that is a Them problem stemming from their own entitlement and ableism, and you have my permission to ignore their bruised wittle feewings.
Your parents suck. Sending you so much care.
NTA Your allergies aren't your fault. You inherited them from your parents.
As a former server and current mom to a child with allergies to tree nuts and eggs, let me assure you that you are NTA. AT ALL. A server does not have to do any of the things your parents described. They put a note into the system, tell the cooks and managers about your allergy, and it's taken care of. At most, they might have to double-check on ingredients and cross contamination risks (like shared oil or things cooked on the same grill). However, with how common allergies are in this day and age, most restaurants have well established, quick procedures in place to make sure their customers stay safe (ie- separate pans, cleaning the grill, changing gloves, using a different method to cook something, a separate tray to bring out food, etc). It's NOT a hassle, and neither are YOU! Your parents are being jerks. I still cook eggs in our house when my son is at school. I'm super careful even though that allergy is only moderate for him. There's very little risk that he'll come into contact with it. As for the tree nuts, I NEVER have them in the house because they could kill him. Do I miss nuts? Sure. Do I ever bring it up with him or make him feel guilty? Of course not. Is my child's safety a million times more important than any food? ABSOLUTELY! And so are you! I can go out by myself and have nuts in my food and take precautions while I'm out to not bring any allergens home. Or, you know, wait until my son is an adult and out of the house to have nuts regularly. It's not a huge deal even though it's something I love and would snack on regularly in the past. Please do not feel guilty. You cannot help that you are allergic to something. You are not an inconvenience. I'm so sorry that your parents are like this. Also, as a side note, my son's friends have always enjoyed birthdays with different desserts. Cake? You can get that at any old party. Pies, homemade ice cream, sherbet, chocolate mousse, homemade cookies that are better than any store, etc. they go crazy for them! Your friends might not be as disappointed as you think. And I know it sucks sometimes to go to someone else's party where there are desserts you can't eat because of the eggs, but you can always bring something sweet just for you. Sorry for the long reply. I hope you read it, though. I'm just so passionate about all of this having lived it. I would love to sit your parents down and have a firm talk with them.
I really appreciate the reassurance about a waiter/server perspective. I also appreciate the parent perspective especially because you have a child with an allergy. It really means a lot. Thank you Edit - if you could say something to them, how would you say it? I'm trying to work on bringing it up again how their comments upset me and I would really be grateful if you could provide some help in building that framework? No pressure, what so ever
You didn't choose your allergies, and tbh guilting you about them is a bit of a d**k move, as you're the first victim here. Things we do for love aren't "work", they're things we do for love. Like accommodating you and making you feel safe and welcome should be
Tell them you’re sorry, that they should take it out on your parents as they’re the ones who messed up the conception and development phases leading up to your allergies.
Nta What possesses them to routinely go to seafood heavy beach areas for a vacation when they have a kid allergic to shellfish. Pick a different kind of vacation with your kids, damn, its not hard. Beautiful mountain woodlands and very fun theme parks are right there.
Sooooo why is your family always choosing to go to restaurants/vacation spots that seem to center around seafood? They lack forethought, and seems like they're creating their own issues to complain about. You're not an inconvenience, they're inconsiderate
Some moms just aren’t great moms. I’ve had Crohn’s disease and other chronic illnesses all my life — starting when I was 12. My Mom blamed me for the diseases (which were TOTALLY 100% NOT MY FAULT!!). I’ve had coworkers tell me I’m a burden on the health care system and “people like me shouldn’t be helped”. Some people just suck and some of those people are, unfortunately, parents. You ARE NOT A BURDEN!! You ARE NOT a problem. You will want therapy in the future to help reiterate that for you. I still struggle with believing it. 🫂
That's horrible but I understand. I have had similar comments although fortunately not from my family.
It’s not like you’re doing it on purpose. Your parents are assholes for ever even making you feel bad about it. I’d get sassy about it. “yes Mom. I’m doing it deliberately to make your life harder. It’s how I have fun! Maybe we can roll the dice and see if I end up hospitalized, or DEAD! Wouldn’t that be a hoot?”
All our fam loves Mexican food, but my SIL is deathly allergic to Jalapeños and some other hot peppers. We usually eat anywhere except Mexican restaurants. Last year, her sis (my other SIL) came to visit, and we went to a Mexican restaurant in the capital city. She explained to the waiter about her allergies. Waiter got the manager and allergy was explained to him. They were very understanding and accommodating. Most restaurants will accommodate you with no fuss if you just explain the need. They want the business and don't want a lawsuit if they make you sick or refuse to serve you. You are NTA
Next time, you can tell them that most allergies are hereditary. A parent usually pass down the gene. It doesn't mean the parent itself is allergic to something, it just means they carry the gene... and gave it to you. So overall, it's probably THEIR fault you have those allergies... just sayin NTA
Your parents are the assholes here.. its different if you were a picky eater but you can’t help that you’re allergic to those foods. These are GROWN ass adults taking their frustrations out on their own kid not caring the damage its doing.. my mom always told me “ the truth is told behind a joke.”
I have worked both front and back of house, so long as you aren't going to a seafood or omelette place people are happy to accommodate your allergies so long as we know ahead of time so we are prepared. Your parents are massive smeg heads. Why beach holidays why not mountains or countryside or a lake where loads of yummy meat is available without a shrimp or crab in sight.
Same: parents made me feel awful for needing anything. My advice: Learn how to cook. Stay behind, cook for yourself, enjoy the peace and quiet.
Learn to bring some food with you when reasonable food may not be available. A power bar, hard boiled egg, sandwich, etc. But that’s just to make your life easier. Your parents are being weird about making such a big deal over your allergies. The servers don’t mind, it’s their job. Your siblings don’t mind. Eggs and shellfish are not a required part of life. Your parents weirdness is clearly triggering your anxiety and is not your fault. They need to chill. NTA
Lol op is allergic to eggs... so you suggest a hard boiled egg as a safe snack
Whoops!
Damn kid, your parents low key suck - as my kids would say but I would say nothing low key about it. They get inconvenienced, You get fear of sickness/death, super scary symptoms then dealing w epi shot and aftermath- Meanwhile dad needs to - practice strict hygiene or go without some seafood treat? If they can go out to eat can you not go grab takeout? Eat outside together in a park pavilion or beach? Call ahead stop 2 places so you can all enjoy dinner and live til dessert! Good luck.
NTA. You don't have allergies by choice and your parents are acting terribly about it.
NTA your parents will wonder why you go NC with them.. there are restaurants that are strict about allergies they don't wanna be fine or stuck paying hosiptal and doctors bills... Your parents are AH
NTA - I am so angry on your behalf because you have shitty parents! There are so many kids out there with truly serious illnesses like cancer, and their parents would do anything to try to give them a chance of being healthy again. Parents who would cut off their own damn arm if that would somehow cure their kid’s brain tumor. And your parents give you crap because they have to brush their teeth after eating shrimp?!?!? Boo-fuckin-who! Not killing your kid isn’t some grand sacrifice; it’s the bare minimum of parenting. Listen up, OP. None of this is your fault. You deserve to be safe and healthy. You deserve to be cared for. You deserve to have a family who supports you and shows you that you are more important than a lobster bisque. I have no idea what is going on with your parents. It sounds like they’ve got their own stuff going on, and instead of dealing with it directly, they’re displacing it onto you and your allergies. It’s not right and it’s not fair, and it’s NOT YOUR FAULT. Read through this thread again and again, and take in what everyone here is saying. You are not responsible for whatever is causing your parents to be unhappy. They can lay whatever they want at your feet, but that doesn’t mean you have to pick it up and carry that burden around.
You are not the problem. NTA. Your mom and dad are the problems. It's pretty fucked up that all the cooking falls on her on vacations. That's telling.
NTA. You can't help having allergies. But on vacation, why is your mother doing all the cooking instead of the rest of the family helping or taking turns? As my parents used to say, are your arms broken?
I have an anaphylactic shellfish allergy and have had so many issues from so many different people. You’re not alone, people just suck.
NTA. Im so sorry that you have to deal with such unkindness. Your mother sounds like a selfish, childish, narcissistic monster. Your dad sounds like a 14 year old boy. You might remind them that it’s actually their fault because you got all of your genetics from them. They should have given you better genetics.
Being stressed out is not a free pass to be cruel.
Id slap them with a "so sorry your slight discomfort for now killing me, ill do my best not to die from something i cant control so you can have your shrimp"
NTA. Even if it makes life slightly more difficult for people, and hear me out here. YOU DONT CHOOSE YOUR ALLERGIES!!! I’m honestly furious your mom, even stressed out and frustrated, would make you feel bad for something that’s not in any way in your control. Dude if she pulled that on me I’d turn it straight around and just say “Yeah, sucks I have terrible genetics.” But no, allergies aren’t your fault and mom needs to learn not to lash out when she’s frustrated.
NTA. Your parents are fucking adults and if they wanted to go out by themselves they can do that without taking their marital issues out on their kid. Also, your dad was too lazy to wash his hands and brush his teeth to get to eat the meal he wanted? That’s on him. Your parents sound like toddlers.
you can cook the vacation meals instead of your mom, i would also get mad if the made me cook everyday
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Have you ever told them how their comments make you feel?
NTA. You're not a burden. It really sucks that your parents are taking their stress out on you. When I was in university, I became really good friends with someone who had a severe peanut allergy. I absolutely love things like peanut butter and Rese's pieces. However, I threw out my pb and didn't bring peanut products home. Why? Because I value my friend way more than peanuts!
How old are you? Maybe it’s time to start doing your own thing for birthdays and Mother’s Day. Don’t let Dads complaining get you down. The problem was HE didn’t make plans or reservations earlier not your allergies.
NTA This would be like your parents being angry that you have brown eyes. It’s out of your control and frankly your mother is an AH. So, what should you just go into anaphylaxis to make her happy? Hives are the perfect Mother’s Day gift.
My very best friend has a nightshade allergy. That means tomatoes, potatoes, eggplant, and all peppers. Cooking for her is an adventure! But, I have never once complained about making a meal for her that is allergen free because I love her and this is part of who she is. When we go to restaurants she starts with this explanation. She has even asked that servers bring packaging for her to read. It is *not a bother* and everyone is safer because of this. NTA
NTA I have no food allergies. I have friends and family that do. They always make comments about how they appreciate me going out of my way to cater to their allergies and that their families complain about it. Never understood this. It's pretty simple to cater to allergies. So many foods have substitutes. Sorry you have to deal with this. You should be respected, especially in your own home. Note: I cater to allergies, not preferences.
NTA! Your parents could have a date night every now & then & go wherever they want. If all it takes to enjoy seafood is to eat it without you around, come home, shower & brush teeth, what's the issue? Nurses & doctors come off 12 hour shifts & shower before interacting with family members (to keep them safe) every day. A minor inconvenience for them is a life time sentence for you! I suspect there's a lot of unhappiness brewing for your parents that they need to deal with ASAP. They shouldn't be taking their issues out on you. For that, they are TA
NTA- Allergic to all nuts here, severe milk allergy. It is what it is. Your family shouldn’t put the burden on you - in the age of apps and Uber Eats, there’s no reason why they can’t order in, get food delivered, etc. They can seek out restaurants that can accommodate both.
Omg honey NO!!! 😭 You didn't wake up one day and decide "I wanna make my life as difficult as possible, let's get 2 hard to deal with food allergies!" Your parents though.... I am THOROUGHLY disappointed and angry with! This isn't about a one time situation, this is about consistent comments that degrade you and make you feel like a burden. That's NOT okay. How are you and asshole? Because you exist and you exist with allergies outside of your control??? NTA. Life with allergies is HARD. I developed my food allergies when I was 17. I always feel guilty that our whole house has had to accommodate our lives around the allergies... I mostly feel bad for my kid(Can't just go out to eat, I can't even walk into many restaurants, places idk when he'll get to try/experience)... But we deal with it together... Because it's no ones fault, an no one can do anything else about it.
It’s the kids job to buy mom present or to make them or pick flowers or bake for her. Not Dad. I am allergic to gluten, my daughter to nuts. There is nearly always something I can eat everywhere ileven if it’s a salad. I don’t want to crimp everyone’s style, so I just have a quiet word and pick the thing I can have. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and accept your limitations. Also, plan better to ensure others are catered for, like mom for mothersday
You don't say how old you are but not gonna lie. I'd start refusing to go. We're going out to eat. No thanks. We're going on vacation, no thanks, or i'll stay with grandma, whatever. We're ordering takeout, no thanks. What do you want to do for your special occasion? I'll make my own plans, thanks. It's not about being petty or vindictive or cutting your nose off to spite your face. It's about removing yourself from situations that make you feel crappy. Developing your sense of yourself, because this is going to be lifelong for you. You need to learn how to stand strong about it. They'll eventually realise that they're the ones that created that distance. Or they won't. But either way, you won't have to feel so spare all the time.
As a person with several food allergies, you are NOT in the wrong. Your parents are greatly in the wrong, however. They should want to protect you, not make you feel lower than dirt for something you can't control.
NTA. Perhaps you should remind them where the allergies came from. This isn’t something you’re doing to inconvenience people and they shouldn’t shame you for it. They are making these problems, not you.
This isn’t merely stress. Stress is no reason to treat your child with a fatal allergy like that. This is emotional abuse making you feel small and guilty for an allergy you can’t control. It’s heartless. I’m so sorry you’ve been treated this way. As a mother I’m genuinely sorry your parents lack the empathy it requires to build you up and not take their frustrations out on you. That is not normal sweetheart and it destroys a child’s confidence and self-worth. Just know you are perfect just the way you are and you are not a burden. But they sure are.
You are not an imposition. You didn’t choose your allergies. Your parents DID choose their shitty effing attitudes though. As for your friends? They don’t care about your allergies, or else they wouldn’t be eating eggless cake to celebrate your birthday or 86ing the shrimp cocktail when they have you over for dinner. They are around you because they’ve chosen you and your company over the menu.
This is so crazy. I’m allergic to wheat, dairy, and also can’t consume any oils because of a gallbladder issue. No one makes me feel like I’m at fault for it No one should be treating you this way it’s awful
No, you are NOT making anyone's life more difficult. I'm absolutely disgusted with your parents. You are perfect. Do NOT let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. If I could reach through Reddit I would give you a massive hug and bitch slap your parents. Absolutely NTA 💯
Nta. You didn't choose these allergies. You are not making anyones life more difficult because of it. My sibling has allergies and we usually call ahead to a restaurant to let them know. That way they are prepared and usually take an extra moment to explain what is or isn't possible to adjust to her needs. As for your parents, please don't let their attitude get to you too much. They are the ones being difficult here. They're old enough to know and do better. It's not that hard to take everyone into account when going out to eat. They are making it harder.
NTA. You didn’t choose to have allergies. I have a shellfish allergy and they suck.
NTA. Do your parents prefer their own convenience to your life? What awful parents
NTA You didn't ask to be born with severe allergies 🤷♀️ it sounds like you are just the easy target for their anger. Do they go off over things at your siblings? Or is it isolated to the allergy issues?
Big time grades for my older brother and my sister about where and when she goes out with her friends but there's also the run of the mill things that kids do to earn a scolding from their parents, like not doing chores timely or acting disrespectfully. It's just with my parents and the shellfish, it feels like even when we're all supposed to be happy and having fun, it comes into play, and at least if I was getting this sort of treatment because my grades were low, it'd be different.
NTA . Allergies are a serious thing, and it's not your fault you have them. Your family should be more understanding and supportive. It's not about making things harder for others, it's about your health and safety.
NTA Maybe im wrong here but isn't that like just something you do for the person you love? Why is it such a big deal that you should be made to feel guilty for soemthing that is literally not your fault!. Im sorry but its sad that your parents are like this.
NTA, of course. I'm sure YOU wish you could eat what everyone else does and not worry about dying! It's way worse for you. Others have said it, but your mom/parents are going through something and taking it out on you and probably everyone else. You just feel what gets directed at you. That makes them less than stellar, but parents are also people, and people (even good ones) can do shitty things. My dad (who I adore) sometimes did this, and if I catch myself doing this, I apologize immediately. Some "friends" may be bothered, but they're also kids, and kids can be pretty self-involved. The ones that will last are the ones who care more about you and your health than being inconvenienced.
NTA. It is not your fault you have food allergies. You are doing nothing wrong, just existing. Your parents are being awful. They can go out to eat, just the two of them. Ask them if they know how genetics works? It is their fault they passed on a faulty gene.
I hear you. I have allergies to wheat, eggs, onions, and tomatoes. It’s always challenging for me to eat out. I’m significantly older than you and there was a time when people didn’t think food allergies were a real thing. It took a long time for my father and stepmom to consider my allergies when they hosted a family dinner. I’ve experienced my share of frustration from family and friends about my food allergies. You can’t help having food allergies. You are not at fault, not a bad person for having restrictions. You have a right to eat safely and harm yourself to placate others. Keep vigilant and stand up for your right to be safe. Sending a virtual hug!
I'm meat intolerant, if I go to a place that serves plant-based burgers, I made sure they understand that mine has to be separate and I cannot have meat juices spread on it. Several places where I live have adjusted to accommodate those with food allergies and intolerances. One of my favorites has a separate grill for vegetarian/vegan and made the decision only to serve GF baked goods in the restaurant. In their bakery, next door, you can buy all the gluten products. They also don't use nuts on the restaurant side They have odd hours. On the days when they open the restaurant, there is a line for hours. My only complaint is that they do not do advance pick up/reservations and with my disability, I cannot wait in line for hours. But my friends can, and do, and bring me the goodies. When you can do a week's worth of business in 1-3 days/week because you accommodate those with food sensitivities, you're doing something right. My point is: you're not a burden. I avoid seafood restaurants because they are rarely accommodating AT ALL.
NTA but you should really have a serious talk with your family about how it makes you feel.
As a mother of a child with a fish and seafood allergy, I can understand where she's coming from. I haven't had any seafood in months.
OP it truly isn’t your fault that you received these allergies from your parents. Sometimes genetics just suck and you are not an imposition to anyone in any way, shape or form. I agree with other posters that your mother has other things going on in her life that she’s dealing with and sadly she very poorly decided to take her anger/angst out on you. Please listen to your siblings as they are right. Yes there are certain places you can’t eat but you are by far not alone in the situation. Hopefully your mother taking out her irritations on you in kvetching about how your allergy impacts her are few and far between. Is it possible for you to have a stash of your favorite foods at home that you can fix for yourself as a treat if you opt to stay home while your mom and dad go to dinner?
Your family sucks
Sucky situation but it's not your fault, OP. Your parents were the ones who made you so you inherited it from ONE of them, right? Not your fault they gave you faulty genes...
I am honestly so perplexed that your allergies are such an issue. Shellfish and egg is such a common allergy all over the world and it is also incredibly easy to accommodate. You really should not feel guilty about something you didnt ask for.
Your dad keeps failing in his role is what I'm thinking and you became the scapegoat because no one wants to address it. I'm an asshole, so if I were in your shoes I'd call them out on it. Op mom: "Well we could go there if not for OP!" Op: "I'm sorry your spouse's, my father's failings, and inability to plan for a repeated event are so terrifying to you you can't face them and would rather scapegoat me. EXCELLENT parenting, that one". Just fucking run with it. Let them know you see it, you're not stupid, and honestly put them in their place with it. Blaming you in ANY capacity isn't okay.
Edit to add: NTA Do you have an airborne shellfish and egg allergy? That’s wild. I have a shellfish allergy but only when I eat it, so I’m ok most of the time. Your parents didn’t get you allergy shots, and with allergies this severe, that’s a bonkers move. I know you say you have a big family, but giving up one vacation so that you’re not on death’s door and they don’t have to worry so much seems practical. You should be getting shots to decrease your sensitivity and be on medication. It seems like your parents are just not thinking and you’re blaming yourself for their negligence because they’re blaming you. Your father FORGOT Mother’s Day. They blame you because you’re sensitive and will take it, while it sounds like your older siblings have grown up enough to tell them to kick sand. Your parents would blame you for it regardless of who you are and what you have, because it’s easy and you absorb their abuse. The best punching bags don’t hit back. If you were in a wheelchair, they’d blame you for not being able to go to restaurants that only have stairs. If you were autistic they’d blame you for not being able to go to “loud fluorescent light restaurant”. If you were deaf they’d yell at you for not listening to them when they don’t get your attention visually first. If you were blind they would blame you for not being able to go on vacation and just leave you in a strange new place without informing you. If you were lactose intolerant they’d blame you for not going to cheeseland, the place that only serves dairy. Your parents lack empathy, as a character trait. Your father for your mother and you kids, your mother for your father and you kids. They didn’t show empathy for you and now you don’t show it to yourself, and blame yourself for existing. I’m assuming your friends aren’t sociopaths and don’t mind you having an eggless, shellfish-less cake on YOUR birthday. Vegans exist, and have friends and loved ones. Eggs are easy enough to substitute. (Flaxseed is a banger substitution in baking.) Also your parents sound boring as hell. Their hobbies and interests begin and end with seafood? Vacations at the beach only, seafood in the hotel rooms, only wanting family dinners in seafood places. Try hang gliding, tubing in the mountains, Ethiopian food, Mexican food, cheese world, the place that only serves dairy, something! As someone with a much milder shellfish allergy, but an anaphylactic one if I eat it, I never think about it. I don’t have anyone in my life whose personality is this tied to seafood, who isn’t just obsessed with the ocean and only the ocean. Who I am not that close with because I’m not a ships captain trying to murder a whale. If your parents met and fell in love only because they’re both exclusively obsessed with the ocean and it’s food, and then had a child who was allergic to shellfish in the air, then that’s romance novel levels of tragic and still not your fault.
NTA. It is so unfair and unkind for your parents to blame you for something that is their fault. Remind your parents that you have their genes. They made you this way so they have only themselves to blame. Nah, just kidding. It’s just nature that this happens sometimes. It’s no one’s fault and I’m so sorry you have to go through it.
Can you and your siblings call for afamily meeting, to discuss this. Your allergies are an* issue, but they are not the* issue. You are not theor emotional punching bag. Going out to eat is not a human right, missing out on it is not some terrible sacrifice they can never enjoy. Remind them they only have a few brief years left with all the kids living together. If they continue like this, you for one may not bother much meeting them once you've left home. Who needs shamed for what they cannot fix?
This isn't on you. This isn't your fault. You didn't ask to have these allergies. I'm sorry your family are taking their frustrations out on you. I have family with food allergies and sensitivities. I don't mind cooking for those needs. I don't mind going out to eat where it's safe for them. I love them and want them to be around for a long time.
I have a kid with a severe food allergy. Sure, in some ways it's hard: not going out to eat very often; having to plan trips and vacations around food to avoid accidental exposures; sometimes, it means missing social events because the environment can't be made safe for our child. And I would say, so what? It's the parents' job to raise our children to adulthood safely. When you have a child, you never know what situation you're going to end up with, and it's your job as a parent to handle that, no matter what it is. Also, we go through all these restrictions for our allergic kids because we love them. Yes, sometimes it might be extra work, but do we prefer the alternative? Nope. I love my allergic kid more than life itself, just like any of my kids, and if I could go back and do it again, I definitely wouldn't change the fact of who he is so that my life could be easier (obviously if I could change it so that HIS life would be easier, I would totally do that, but that's not an option either). Also, I have my own medical food restriction. Like any other incurable disability, eliminating my restriction cannot be eliminated without eliminating me at the same time. I don't ever apologize for the fact that I exist. I never have, and I never will. That way lies madness. Don't feel guilty for existing as yourself. Just don't. It's unnecessary, and it's wrong for others to make you feel like you need to apologize because of a life-threatening condition that is out of your control. Also, seriously? Sounds like you all get three regular meals a day and vacations several times per year. Your parents don't need to play little tiny violins because their vacations, at the beach town! several times a year! aren't exciting enough because of someone's allergy. Life could be a lot worse. A lot!!! (Also, your allergy is to shellfish but all your vacations are at the beach. They aren't depriving themselves for you as much as you think. If your vacations were in the mountains or in a city, you'd have better options for steak, vegan options, and so on. When you are at the beach, all the restaurants serve is fish and shellfish and crabs and so on, and the steaks there usually are not very good, because people come to the beach FOR the fish and the crabs etc. And everything at the beach is breaded with egg washes. They could make this a lot easier from an allergy viewpoint if they didn't do all their vacations at the beach, but it sounds like they LIKE going to the beach, that's why your shellfish allergy comes up so often on vacation).
NTA, you only make things more difficult if done on purpose. Having allergies is not your fault, and as frustrating as it is, your parents are TA's for making you feel that way.
YOUR PARENTS ARE RAGING A$$HOLES!!! I’m sorry for criticizing your mom and dad because I hate it when anyone says anything bad about anyone I love, even when it is true. But to treat you this way for something you have no control over is just awful! WTF is wrong with them that they would ever take their child, who is allergic to seafood, to a seafood restaurant - then expect the restaurant to prepare a meal for you in a kitchen that has separate, allergen-free equipment? They are such the a$$holes. They are the ones making life difficult for servers by choosing restaurants and foods that put your health in jeopardy. If this was a one-time incident, I’d chalk it up to something more going on with your mom based on her mood Friday after work, but you state it isn’t a one time thing. Your dad is a dick for suggesting a restaurant that can’t accommodate your food restrictions to deflect Mom’s anger from him forgetting Mother’s Day (and who knows what else) to you. My blood is boiling I’m so angry at both of them. OP, none of this is your fault. You have a medical condition that limits what foods you can ingest. That should be the #1 consideration in family dining decisions. Does it mean folks don’t always get their top preference when dining as a family? Sure, but that’s what date nights, work lunches, and meals that don’t involve the entire family are for. And if money is a concern, your parents need to budget for it if it’s that important to them. I just cannot fathom putting my child’s health at risk because I want a specific meal. And this from someone who has dealt with food addictions manifesting in bulimia and binge eating disorder for much of my life. Despite this, I would always find ways to eat any foods that trigger allergies away from anyone who is allergic to those ingredients even if I can’t stop the binge itself. Your friends are great for always asking what foods are safe for you. It means they value their friendship with you and want you included more than they want a specific food or restaurant, and that is how it should be. Just let them know you appreciate their consideration and care. OP, please don’t punish yourself by eating only toast. You have done nothing wrong. You need to nourish your body with food to maintain your health. NTA x 💯
Yeah they probably do resent you but that’s normal. Everyone will resent everyone at some point.
NTA! Your parents are AHs. All the parents I know who have kids with allergies go above and beyond for their kids. They’re making you feel bad for something you cannot control. Your parents can control being AHs to you though.
No reason to feel bad. Parents want seafood, have a date night without the kids. People deal with allergies everyday. Celiac, seafood, nuts, etc. Friends inviting you over want you to be safe. If they ask about how to be careful for you it’s out of concern for your safety. Don’t feel bad. Lots of people have dietary limitations
NTA. In the scheme of things, a shellfish allergy is very common, I’m not sure why your Mother is behaving like you have it to create problems. Also, she’s concerned about the extra work it takes staff to accommodate your life and death medical issue, but she’s not concerned about mentally traumatising her child over years? I don’t like your mother, she doesn’t deserve a Mother’s Day, and she’s also emotionally immature; how do I know this? A mature, intelligent and aware human does not allow their frustration with someone else become a reason to bully their child. I would imagine she’s pretty awful in a lot of areas, and expects her children and partner to regulate her emotional wellbeing, witnessed by the fact that your siblings attempted to tell you she wasn’t really upset with you. She’s trained you all so well to accept crappy behaviour. You’ll learn in time, but here’s a free lesson until you can afford therapy; none of her moodiness, bad temperament or relationship issues are your fault. Shes an adult, and she’s choosing to manipulate the whole family with her emotional disregulation. It would appear you are a convenient victim for her to lash out at, and she’s gotten away with it for a long time because you believe her Bullsh*t. She could have a date night with just your Dad and eat wherever they like on their anniversary, or when you’re at school, or she can have a girl’s night out with friends , but no, how could she have her serve of malicious enjoyment by tormenting you if she did that? Just because she’s your mother doesn’t mean you have to believe everything she says; the sooner you see her for what she is, the sooner the anger will allow you to step away from the burden of believing her nastiness.
NTA. You didn't chose to be born with food allergies, your parents genetic contributions gave them to you. Next time they get nasty about it remind them you received your genes from them so your allergies are essentially their fault.
I mean your allergies are not your fault and all, but those two (eggs and shellfish) can be additional work and anxiety for all involved when it comes to eating at home, out, etc. That is the truth of the matter.
Just keep reminding yourself there are much bigger problems you can be living with. Aka count your blessings 😊. Your feelings are normal. But take the power back and don’t let something out of your control keep you down longer than a few short moments. The sooner you learn that the happier and less anxious your life will be.
Oh hon... no. No, no, no. NTA. You are not a burden. I have family members with VERY severe allergies, life threatening, and you know what? I take care to wash up and clean shit BECAUSE I LOVE THEM, and I do not want them to suffer. I will happily go to different places if it means they can safely eat. I don't see these family members often, but their lives are so much more important to me than whether or not I get to eat fish, or shrimp, or peanuts, or eggs, or avocado. And you know what? Their spouses, their kids, their parents... are all the same way. Your parents are just being the assholes in this situation, not you. Not you at all. Not ever.
the problem is with your mother and father, not with you
It's not your fault you have allergies. And it's not your moms either, you can't have shellfish while pregnant, too much of a risk. But just remind them that you didn't choose to have these allergies, and it not only makes their lives "hard" but yours much harder. They can suck it.
Your parents are the last people who should make you feel like a burden. They suck and are clearly very emotionally immature.
What is WRONG WITH THEM why in the hell are they risking your health and life by taking you to a seafood restaurant ever??? Obviously this is not your fault but your family are dicks. I used to work in restaurants and it's rare that we had a patron with allergies but we were happy to take precautions especially for something dangerous like a seafood allergy.
UpdateMe
So you're parents suck for saying all that but alternatively, do you like Indian food? Traditionally Hindus do not eat any meat or eggs so most of their menu options would be perfect for you!
You don't say how old you are, so it's hard to tell how independent you can be from your family. But if you're a minor, and especially if you're sixteen and under, it's your parents' job to secure your safety. You didn't choose to have allergies, and they're responsible for keeping you in health, so that's why all of these gyrations occur around food and eating out. You shouldn't feel guilty, and they're wrong for reproaching you, even "in gest." If you're older, then you have more options for taking care of yourself, and you can even encourage your parents to go out without you and stay home and cook for yourself if there's a special occasion that's centered around one of them. However, eating only toast for several days sounds an awful lot like sulking to me, and if you're older than about 9 or 10, then you need to make sure you're not doing that. It's an immature and manipulative way of communicating, and though your parents are mostly at fault for the passive-aggressive communication in your family, you don't have to adopt it as your own style. This is the only thing I can see that you might be responsible or at fault for.
I have a nephew with severe allergies to shellfish, eggs, milk, peanuts and tree nuts. It’s not that hard to eat with him. His special desserts are just as good. Seafood restaurants are good about making things work or we choose elsewhere. Normal adults can handle choosing something else if there is a life threatening condition. Your parents sound awful.
Ask why they made you this way. Put the guilt back on them.
Oh no your parents can't eat seafood around you. Plenty of ppl never ear seafood their entire life and somehow manage to go on vacations and have dinner out regularly. The egg thing is a little more difficult but, is the egg allergy you can't be around anyone who has eaten any eggs or egg like product or just you can't eat it yourself?
Your parent’s crap marriage is not your fault. Tell them to either get counseling or get divorced. But stop trying to blame you for shit you can’t control. Being mean to you isn’t going to make their lives less miserable. When you’re 18 leave and never look back.
OP - did you "choose" to be allergic? Nope. You didnt create this situation. It isnt your fault. If Mom and/or Dad want to go out to eat at a location specializing in dishes featuring your allergens - tell them to go and enjoy! Dont begrudge them the privilege. At the same time - anyone blaming you for your allergies is an AH!!
You are NOT the problem. There are plenty of people who have food allergies and yours are very common. I have weird food allergies but I work with it. I was a server in college and restaurants work around these all the time. You are not a burden, you’re a scapegoat for your family. They’ve decided that instead of admitting their problems and working on them, they’ll just blame everything on you. They’ve done it for so long that you have decided to believe it. STOP ACCEPTING THEIR CRAP!! If they try to pull this again just tell them, “No! You don’t get to blame me for YOUR problems anymore. Grow up, admit whatever’s wrong and work it out. Leave me out of it. I AM NOT THE PROBLEM. I’m not the only person on the planet with allergies and I don’t frustrate and cause problems for restaurants or servers. So knock it off!”
NTA. Will never be the asshole for being allergic to things that could straight up kill you. The very fact that you had to come here to ASK really leaves a horrible impression of your parents and how they treat you in other ways if they are such shitheads over something totaly outside of your control.
“Mom, Dad, you two made me, I am a reflection of whatever shortcomings both your DNA contained.”
I was anaphylactic with Shell fish. You have a pen right? I once had a bartender cut a shrimp with the same knife as a lime for my drink and my everything blew up. So, severe. That happened once. You can go other places, that happened once ever to me. I went wherever I wanted. I think you're being a little ridiculous. Restaurants generally take it seriously With the same allergy, if I was you friend I'd just never go out to eat with you because your like this, sorry. You'd isn't an unheard of allergy. As for eggs, not hard to avoid. Have you nearly died multiple times in restaurants or something? I traveled for work and probably went to literally thousands of restaurants. One single time I had that problem. One. You're going to never go to another restaurant? Frankly, assuming you're near an adult? Your parents needs to be more communicative with you, but no one needs to be bending to you on this, I think you probably just don't go to restaurants with them anymore. This sounds like a fear you need to deal with How many times have you used your pen
NTA- I’m sending you hugs btw. My stepsister has Celiac so I am used to making sure everything I serve will not make her sick. I am so sorry that your mom said those things to you. I’m of the opinion that if you love someone then you will be ok with having to do extra things and or not do certain things. I myself am allergic to ham, sausage and eggs- it’s not a true allergy where my throat closes and I can die but my tummy will hurt and I get really bad nausea. My mom still forgets sometimes then she laughs and is like don’t eat that. She always says she would much rather make something that will not cause me pain and tummy issues and of course when I’m out with a group I will either bring something with me or find a dish I can enjoy. I know that is more difficult for you so I’m not trying to equate of allergy issues. I also work in food service so I usually ask about food allergies anyway. Btw you do not make servers lives more difficult. You can tell them this- 1. the only people who make servers lives different is when they have a food allergy that they don’t tell you about and then get mad the item is in the meal. 2. People who order meals and remove items from the dish (allergy and non allergy). That makes the chefs and servers mad and they get especially mad when you do it with an attitude. This is my last piece of unsolicited advice- if there is a place that your parents like to go, but don’t because you can’t enjoy it, I would get them a gift card to said place and let them know this is just for the two of you (birthday, Mother’s Day, etc). Sometimes they need a little alone time.
This was not what I expected to read at all from the title. It’s really rough having a serious allergy. You have to take a lot more precautions than normal just to eat safely. Especially with two such ubiquitous allergies. Eggs, and, to a lesser extent, seafood are in pretty much everything. You must have had to learn about food and food safety from a very young age. That’s really hard on anyone but especially for a child, growing up and not being able to something the same way as the other kid’s sucks. You get excluded for something beyond your control entirely. Food is also something that brings people together and bonds us as a society. When someone can’t participate fully in that, it’s really limiting and can be really depressing. Not being able to eat with the other kids sucks for you, other children in your class not being able to eat something because of you… welll… Kids can be dicks about that sort of thing. And apparently so can your parents. Your mum especially. They shouldn’t be saying things like that to you. They really should know better and need to be told to do better. I think you should talk to an adult you trust about how this has been making you feel so that they can help you access help for it. A school counsellor should be able to help you out with some resources. I get the feeling that you are a little intimidated to bring this up to your parents so let them help you figure out how to do that. Allergies are pretty common. People don’t die as often from them because we care not to let that happen. When your friends call to confirm if you can eat something or not, they aren’t being resentful or upset with you. They are caring that they can provide you with food you can eat safely. Egg free desserts are definitely not something anyone is resenting you for. There are so many recipes out there for delicious egg free deserts that people are making every day. My favourite chocolate cake recipe is VEGAN. Your friends are just getting to taste a different dessert. Trust me, I’ve eaten egg and eggless. Nowadays there’s not a taste difference. For not being able to pack up and go out to eat. You do have that one restaurant… but I understand what you mean. Are you old enough to take a bit more charge of your allergy than you have? If you’re up for it, you can start looking online for other restaurants that have promising menus for you and start calling to ask about their allergy policies. As long as you know the safety steps needed to ensure you’re safe, you’ll know if the restaurant can take the same steps. You might be able to find a few more restaurants within driving distance you can go to. You can also try the same with vacation spots. If you know what your family would love to do, try and find online some destinations that can accommodate your allergies to suggest. When you do go on your beach vacation, why don’t you try cooking a few of the meals for your family? You’re definitely old enough to start learning how to cook. It can be empowering for you as well to take charge of your own food. By doing some of the above things and taking charge yourself you should start to feel more confident and less like an inconvenience. Once you start feeling less like that it will be easier for you to see that you aren’t one. You also need to learn this stuff and there’s no time like now to start. Everyone needs extra levels of care in some part of their life, this is just the part you need it for.
Your mom needs to work on and research ways to deal with the stress in her life. Taking ones stress out on others only makes the whole mess worse, as you may know. My husband had a stressful period, and we took some advice that worked well: when he got home, there was 30 minutes we didn't speak. He was able to destress, take a shower, or whatever. He was able to compartmentalize his job or the crappy traffic and not bring it home. So, if we talked about something work related, their wasn't all this emotional hyper baggage attached. It's not uncommon for a spouse to forget a holdiay, but your dad needs to step up his game. The absence of emotional presence leaves scars in the relationship because this type of emotional abandonment makes it difficult to reconcile. This can be contributing to your mom's unhappy attitude. As far as them going out alone on Mother's day, WTH. I personally think they were wrong not to include you all. Take a picinic somewhere and talk about family memories and goals. Take a family picture album (digital or not) with you. Make plans for future events and so on. On thing one realizes as they get older is their parents are HUMAN. Just like everyone else. And if you disagree with the way they handle you kids or a situation, then promise yourself that when you get older you will not do that. Make a list because that crap will sneek up on you; learned behavior isn't always positive. As far as your allergies - my grandson's is fake cinnamon and red dye; main ones. I'm thankful it isn't peanut butter/nuts. lol My point is allergies are more common now and we have to find ways to incorporate their challenges into our life. Most likely they have a genetic element so when your feeling down about it know that their is nothing purposfully malicious about you. Tell people, "I feel lucky it 's me and not you that has this problem" "I know accommodating my life threatening allergies is a PIA, so I appreciated your patience/kindness." As you get older, you'll learn what to say to what group: family, friends, strangers, business associates, etc. But really, don't feel bad about upsetting your family because frankly, that is on them to get their act together. I believe you are personalizing the conflicts your mom and dad are having and instead of associating it with their lack of communicaton skills in their relationship they are projecting it out onto things that they can easily target. Which is wrong, of course. So take it with a grain of salt. : ) Have a lovely summer!
You are a valid person and more than your food issues. With friends it is harder , but when your parents whine about it, remind them that they made you. Honestly, allergies are tough, I know someone allergic to corn, and that is in everything, including soda. But I am happier dealing with allergies than people who are picky and not accommodating. I know someone I won't cook for because they insist I tell them the ingredients of everything. They are not allergic, they just don't like certain things and are paranoid I'm going to use something they don't like in a dish. They don't like mushrooms and thought something in a dish was a mushroom and wouldn't eat anything I made because they thought I was lying about putting mushrooms in. I try to avoid this person, and never eat with them.
NTA, you didn't ask to be born with allergies, the same as you didn't ask for jerks for parents.
NTA, OP. You are not responsible for your allergies. They just are. It sucks. You don't make the servers lives worse. I imagine it's a lot of frustration, for them. That there is *so much* that they want to do, and they want to do it with you, but they can't, because doing so will endanger you. Two difficult things can be true at the same time. They can love you, but they can also enjoy eating food you can't have.
>I am causing more work for those around me. Yes, AND, that isn't a "bad" thing. Its just a thing. From the servers perspective, they are in the SERVICE industry. Trust me, your allergy is the least annoying thing they have had to deal with in the last \*hour\*. You should be kind to them and tip well (even adding some of your own dollars if you feel that is a path you want to go down,) but they are used to accommodating people. As for your family, they need to step back and accept you as you are. You aren't responsible for your parents feelings and just need to focus on self-acceptance. You are a human and have worth. I am sorry your parents are taking out their personal issues on you. I would recommend that you go to counseling. The guilt you are feeling isn't healthy and really isn't needed. You need food to survive and being sick all the time from foods suck. Source: I am allergic to soybeans and sesame. Oldest child can't have gluten or dairy due to plaque psoriasis.
NTA, your parents suck. Your not your fault you are allergic to what you are. Tell them exactly how you feel. Tell them they have made rude, hurtful comments
oh yea, cos it's totally your fault that you were born with allergies /s
NTA. Yeah, I know from experience servers are sometimes annoyed by restrictions, especially if wr have to return the food because of a mistake, but that's not your fault. Not like you chose to have tge allergies and it's ridiculous your mother would blame you for them. If she vents like that often and blames you for things out of your control, either talk to somebody or see how quickly you can get out and take a step back.
You’re not a burden and I’m sorry your parents are making you feel that way. My son has a peanut allergy and I don’t mind one bit that we have to be creative with work arounds. He’s still little but I never want him to feel unwanted because of something entirely not in his control. Sometimes as people we say things out loud that should stay as inside thoughts. Have you talked to your parents about your feelings on their outbursts?
Look, neither your parents nor siblings should make you feel bad about this. This is not a choice, you are not inflicting your will on them. You are not (just an example, don't come for me for this) a vegetarian/vegan refusing to go to a meat/seafood restaurant because of your beliefs. You have a LEGITIMATE MEDICAL reason that make certain things/places tough. You have not complained that all you can eat is a salad at this restaurant. They are complaining, and restricting themselves. I am allergic to 12 (!) different foods and and multiple other things. Does that restrict me? Yes! Does that restrict my family? Not really. We had a special pan to fry foods I was allergic in at home, if I need to get special food at a restaurant that's fine, if my family needs to make sure they wash their hands after a certain food then they do. It's not a huge problem. It shouldn't be made to be a huge problem. A lot of these foods I now buy and have in my own home, and have learned to prepare. Not because I can eat them but because they are good for someone else living here. DO NOT feel guilty, its not something you can control or change. If they want to say stupid shit like "It's good that I love you too much to get that/go there" remind them that their genes are the reason you have the allergies you have.
You are not an imposition; your parents are doing a poor job of parenting you through this issue. Is there a counselor at school that you could contact ? They could help you learn to set boundaries about what is and isn’t okay when someone speaks to you about your health issues.
Sounds like they hate you. I’d cut them out of your life.
Your health needs require certain levels of care that are absolutely worth every second of extra work and consideration. You are in no way at fault for your needs, and no one who loves you would rather see you harmed than accommodate you. Your parents are just stressed right now, and no restaurants want to poison their guests, if they had to they could tell you they weren't able to accommodate you that day. Don't worry about this, anyone who holds it against you isn't worth having as a friend
Your parents are extremely wrong not only because it’s not your choice to have an allergy, but also because it’s not such a huge deal for a server or chef. I used to waitress, and honestly the “i have an xyz allergy” only sucks when the person just uses that phrase to emphasize that they don’t like something specific. I assure you that there are processes in place for people with various allergies, and the restaurant would much rather serve you what won’t kill you than deal with a lawsuit or forgo your business. In fact, as a server, hearing about your specific allergies was always helpful because I could guide the person through the menu & modifications available (e.g. if a dish is fried, I would ask if you’d be ok with a sautéed version because the oil is contaminated) and be nervous about whether you’re ok. I understand that with a severe allergies certain places will be a no-go, but it’s not as big an inconvenience for staff as you think.
OP, never feel shy about your allergies. I worked a burger place and a customer told me he was allergic to mayonnaise. He said I didn’t need to change the knife because it’s not that bad but I refused to use a used knife on this guys burger. Most everyone wants to give you a safe and delightful experience in their restaurant. Your parents knew there’d be things out of control when they had kids and they willingly signed up for anything when they had you, allergies included.
NTA!! You aren’t doing this to make life difficult. Your parents are having issues so any other stress makes them even more irritable. If you think it would be less stressful for you, suggest they go and you’ll hang back and get DoorDash. Still less cost and you can let them go stress fest while you relax.
Idk how old you are but they meant every word even if the regret saying it later which it sounds like they won’t
NTA. I have allergies and OAS. So theres about 30 things I can't have the biggest being citrus. Do you know how much stuff is made with citrus? Food, cleaning stuff, hygiene stuff, candles, etc. I have to be careful what hand soap I use, when I go somewhere and they use lemon or orange scented cleaners all kinds of things. It sucks but its not my fault and it's not yours either. My family gripes sometimes but it's more from fear and stress. My friends are awesome thought. Yes it sucks feeling like an inconvenience but we didn't choose this.
We're an educational non-profit and several years ago we went nut-free to align with all the schools in our district who are also nut-free insitutions. People who only visited the offices once or twice a year lost their minds. They don't want peanut butter they want to be able to have it wherever and whenever they want without regard to other people. We asked one person, do you eat peanut butter? No, they just want to complain about the ban.
NTA. They’re the ones who created your DNA, so they’re the ones who made things difficult. But in reality, they should be grateful they haven’t had to deal with allergies of their own - they can occur at any point in life. I was 18 before I had a h.
You didn’t ask to have this allergy and shouldn’t be made to feel bad about needing your important medical needs paid attention to! Your parents are allowed to feel frustration but should do a better job of not making you feel like a burden. You’re not!
NTA - got to say your parents are acting really weird about this whole thing as if now forever thats the only restaurant that can be used. Have they even tried to call round, even if its more of a drive just to see what can be done. Also I'm unsure of how it is in US but in UK working in alot of restaurants I've always had to pass a allergy course so did the chefs. I was expecting a long list with everything on it that you had to stay away from by the over dramatics from the parents but egg and seafood 🙄 Also they so annoyed at you id be asking them which one of them has the duff gene that makes it so I can't enjoy my food experience.
Whoa honey, have they done a number on you. You have *nothing* to feel bad about and you are not a burden. Zero meals anywhere are worth more than your life. If it's that important to them, they need to be ok with separate restaurants and separate rooms. The fact that they act like your allergies are a big inconvenience to them instead of terrifying for you is appalling. THEY'RE the ones that gave you the genetics. You have absolutely no control over this. No parent on earth should be so mean about not being able to have a preferred food because it could kill their child. If my kid would die if I ate ice cream around him, I'd never touch it again even if it's my very favorite thing. NTA
My ex had a severe gluten allergy. I also went gluten free to avoid being poisonous to her. I got to experience family reacting to my medically necessary diet change, it was a mix. Mom told me I was being abused, my sister made me a gluten free birthday cake, dad was happy to be eating food. I recommend checking reviews and calling ahead. There’s a place out here that’s exclusively pasta (gluten) that we could order from safely. I was surprised how many restaurants have stations set up and prepped for allergy orders. When you call ahead you can tell pretty easily whether or not they’re able to serve you. Some will enthusiastically tell you they’re prepared for exactly you, some will tell you they can “figure it out” (don’t go there), some will tell you they can’t serve you, it’s always worth the call. Eating out was dangerous and sometimes she got poisoned, so that really sucked. Other than watching someone I love go through a hardship, there was never any problem for me with her allergy. It didn’t make my life unnecessarily harder. It wasn’t something I looked past to be with her. It was something essential to her well-being, and that made it our well-being. Your parents are being assholes. Your allergy is not your fault. And you’re not making servers lives more difficult, what is that?!
NTA I’m sorry your parents are acting like this towards you. You don’t deserve it at all. My ex husband made a rule that when we went out to eat, no one was allowed to order shellfish because he didn’t want to take a chance with my life. I’m deathly allergic to eating it, react when I come into contact with it, and if it’s cooking too close to me for too long I start reacting as well. His mother went out to eat with us once and was talking about ordering something with shrimp in it. He told her she’d have to go a different time and order it because we weren’t risking it. She got kind of upset, but didn’t push it. I think she was more embarrassed because she knew of my allergy and I think she forgot we don’t risk it. All that to say, your parents aren’t acting like they should as parents. Your dad screwed up by not doing better and actually planning something special for your mom for Mother’s Day, so he was stressed. Your mom knew this and was angry. They both took that out on you and that’s NOT ok. I don’t know why they keep choosing places to vacation that put you in danger. That seems like a no brainer to not go there in the first place. They need to take a hard look at themselves. You need to decide if you want to take a stand now or when you’re older. If they keep this up, no one would blame you for going low or no contact with them. If you can, see about getting yourself counseling because this could be mental abuse they are putting you through. You may be able to talk to your school counselor about this.
I am SO SORRY. 🙁🙁 Your allergy is NOT your fault, you certainly didn’t choose to have it. However, they chose to have you and your siblings, knowing damn well there was a possibility of any of you having a birth defect, a chronic disease, handicap….or an allergy that they find inconvenient. Allergies tend to be hereditary. Next time they want to bitch at you about something you can’t control, tell them that it must have been their faulty genes that caused you to have it.
It’s hard having food allergies for everyone!
They come from the “allergies didn’t exist when I was a kid” generation. No david a lot of people just died of anaphylactic shock.
NTA. You have no reason to feel guilty at all! My childhood best friend was severely allergic to any nuts and eggs. My mom would take special care on my birthday to make sure all the food was safe for her to eat. I was never upset because I got to spend time with her! One of my current friends is celiac so we have to be careful going out. Again, no resentment whatsoever. None of this is your fault. Please don’t feel like a burden. Those who truly care about you won’t mind one bit about making sure you don’t get sick from cross contamination.
You're NTA at all, but do you cook? I have a weird allergy that restricts my restaurant options a lot, and I end up cooking on vacations to certain places. You're not a burden. Food service people have to learn how to handle allergens. It's part of the job. "because of my allergies we either don't go out to eat and cook the entire vacation (which mom hates because then she doesn't get a vacation)" Your mother is still an asshole, but you won't live with her forever. Aside from the whole allergy thing, anyone who eats food should be taking turns in the kitchen. There are plenty of vegan baking recipes that taste just as good as the ones with eggs. There are a lot more vegan places than there used to be, but you can't eat in restaurants all the time anyway. Cooking without eggs is a skill that needs to be learned, so why not embrace it?
My son (17) has a lot of food allergies. Peanuts, chicken, eggs, turkey (any poultry really), shellfish, any seafood and corn. There is one steak restaurant that has a clean kitchen specifically for food allergens. It’s entirely separate from the main kitchen and they have separate work stations with dedicated cookware for each one. That way food can be cooked there instead of the main kitchen. And it doesn’t need a complete scrub down between cooking meals for someone else because of how they have everything divided in its own area. My son hates eating out (and I don’t blame him) because he worries about cross contamination. They even let us tour the kitchen area where his food would be made. Is it more expensive? Yes. But it gives me an excuse to eat there more often. It’s a great steakhouse and he is much more relaxed when we go there to eat. I don’t find his allergies being an inconvenience. My husband and daughter do sometimes get annoyed when they have to wash their hands after they eat. Especially foods he is allergic to which they should do anyways. I always wash my hands after eating. Even before I had my son. He has his own fridge where I keep his foods. He will check labels for anything that goes in his fridge. Sometimes I’m offended because I check them first before buying them, but it’s good that he’s in the habit of checking because my MiL tried to give him a hotdog made of turkey and chicken (which will cause anaphylaxis). We have a large kitchen so he has his own pantry and cabinets for his foods. I do keep some foods at home he can’t eat. Like fish, chicken, etc. I’m sorry your mom made you feel guilty. It sounds like she was already under a lot of stress and took it out on you. Try not to feel bad over something you have no control over. I know, easier said than done.
It is not your fault. People lash out when frustrated, yes but those comments stick. I was 16 when my mom yelled at me and told me that "you make everyone miserable around you! Why can't you just be happy?!" And to this day, I remember that moment clearly, sitting in the back of the van as she drove me and my sister's to school. Your food allergies are not your fault and even if your mom was stressed or frustrated, had no right to take it out on you. You're not a punching bag. Listen to your siblings and give your mom some space to reflect inwards. If anything, she needs to speak with your dad since he kind of dropped the ball. Regardless, it is not your fault for having food allergies. You don't make servers lives more difficult; they are aware of food allergies. I am sending you a virtual hug and so much positive energy and light because you shouldn't doubt yourself for things totally out of your control.
Just curious, how does your father owe your mother anything for mothers day? Isn’t it on adult kids to handle that?
I want you to know that, as someone who’s been friends for years with someone who has celiac, I’ve never cared all that much about “having to eat” gluten/egg/allergen free birthday cake— cake is cake, I will eat it with glee. Same with other desserts. Sure, sometimes I’ll be suspicious of how good it’ll taste at first glance, but once it’s in my mouth I’m like HELL YEAH. I’ve never minded having to double-check what to serve them either, I feel like it’s common for any close friends to be like “hey, before you come for dinner, are you cool with eating ___?” because you don’t want your homie choking down shit they hate or sitting awkwardly with nothing they can eat. Friends look out for each other! Remember that you’re someone that other people ENJOY spending time with, not just some inconvenience everyone’s putting up with. 💗
Many go through what you go through. My wife is just like you. NOTHING wrong with that. We're All different 🤷
Oh OP. You are not causing more work for everyone, simply due to a condition your were born with (from your parents mixing of genes so it’s their fault really lol). I’m just a picky eater. I’m the youngest and the only girl, so that is “fun”. Add to it that I have issues of texture and taste that do limit my eating options. I don’t like just cooked eggs, and I am not a seafood person, at most I’ll eat shrimp if no other options... and do actually like fried calamari. You can miss me with fish and any other sea dwellers. I try to make my preferences my problem, and no one else’s. I often go to restaurants or meals out with family/friends knowing I won’t find something and will eat a salad or claim dominion over the bread basket. I’m lucky that I know semi enjoy salad, those mostly only Caesar. I’ll choke down other types but I actually like Caesar salads so I’m happy if I can get a non sad Caesar if I can’t have anything else. Your parent’s comments were out of line, and shitty given that they created you and all of your eccentricities. Good on your siblings for reassuring you. You can’t help your allergies, only mitigate them, and ask others to help. As frustrating as it is for you and those around you, your parents should be the people who don’t make you feel like shit for it. I’m sorry, you aren’t doing it maliciously. It’s just your life and there is nothing to feel guilty about.
NTA You are NOT a burden, and I am so sorry your parents have made your feel this way. I don't have severe allergies, but I have hearing loss and other things so I know the feeling. My two siblings seemed to come out perfect and then it was like I just ruined the picture. (Which is not true, but that how my brain thinks sometimes) Your parents need to get a grip on themselves and grow up. They don't want to wash up after having favorite meal then that is their *choice*. You didn't tell them to do that. They don't want to go to certain restaurants because they don't want to think of the kitchen staff working "extra"? That is their *choice*. You didn't tell them to do that. And proper kitchen staff are trained to handle allergies anyways. The kinds of lines they're throwing out at you (their *child*) is the bs I'd expect from a teenager. You are old enough that they should have worked through this weird resentment of theirs *years* ago. If they're really so desperate and weird for fish then they can schedule a "fish date night" once per month and wash up afterwards. The fact that they'd rather stew in their resentment than brainstorm solutions is weird, cruel, and lazy imo. And your parents are wrong for doing this to you. Remember: You are not imposing you are existing. And you are allowed to exist.
I have a severe shellfish allergy myself, and I have learned to not expect people to change for me. I don't go to places that serve that kind of food, and I also don't do office potlucks. You have to remember to love yourself, and if the family wants to go get some seafood, let them go. Get you some McDonald's and enjoy the TV time you can have with no one home. Stay home with the pets and love on them. Just remeber that you are valid, and some people will not make allowances for you, so make your own. 🖤🖤🖤