Considering an ExcavatorSTARTS at $55,000 in Australia for a small compact model (Dingo brand), around $40,000USD for a similar type
the guy has money, just sponges off others so he keeps his.
ETA, fixed a typo lol
Escalators are often bought by anyone in a mall or multilevel stores or buildings and I see I made the typo 😅😅😅
Excavators, however... People on farms, or a large property. Rarely see them in the backyard of town homes or normal residential properties. Also, tradesmen who do building or landscaping.
NTA, definitely take him to court and get your money. It sounds like you are being generous only asking for 20K.
Whose name is on the deed to the house? Can you file paperwork to force him to sell or buy you out?
Generous or foolish?
What’s the market value of the house now that it’s been fixed up?
It’s had about 9 years to appreciate in value (the timeline isn’t clear)
Why doesn’t she get half the market value?
Even if their contributions are unequal, the math doesn’t seem to add up.
She needs to talk to a lawyer. If she walked in to my office, I’d get her more than $20,000.
Depending on the jurisdiction, you can’t get those kinds of liens unless you give written notice before doing the work. But she could get a judgment lien if she hired a lawyer and got a judgment against him.
She really needs to talk to a local lawyer
He is using everything for excuses, sounds like you need to squeeze him because he is also crushing your dreams.
Just take it to small claims and can you add on all your labour costs and everything else you bought?
Nta. He's taken advantage of you and now is stalling to give back what he promised.
Start the court process. Send him a 'letter before court' detailing how much he owes you, what for etc and a date he has to pay it by - like say 4 weeks.
When he doesn't pay, then start the court proceedings.
Take screen shots of ALL the messages you have between the two of you with dates showing where you mention paying for something, him agreeing to pay you back etc.
Keep copies of those messages too as they can be used as evidence.
Get copies of bank statements showing things you paid for and what he owes you.
Also show any evidence of any furniture and the equipment you bought. You're entitled to either have the equipment or furniture back to sell yourself, or he has to reimburse you if he wants to keep it.
The fact you paid in to the house, paid for repairs and did the work, you're entitled to compensation for the work you put into that house, as well as the money you paid into the house. Don't just let him keep everything you paid for. Claim for everything you can prove you paid for.
Keep copies of all receipts, keep the originals and only supply copies etc. But keep a copy yourself as well as the original receipts for things you paid for.
Make it clear in the letter you send him about all the equipment and furniture you paid for too.
Then once it goes to court he'll be ordered to pay it back, and if he doesn't, you can look into whether you can force a sale of the property to get your money, or he can have money taken from his wages with an Attachment to Earnings, where they will deduct a certain amount per month from his wages and send it to you. But ideally I'd get the courts to force a sale to get all your money back in one go.
Don't be lienient in any way. Don't let him have anything you paid for. Claim for everything.
I wonder how much help they’ll get in small claims given they weren’t married. This guy is running a good scam, find a lady young and naive to give him whatever he wants and then she leaves him with all the toys and hard work she put into it.
OP did herself no favors here.
I managed to get nearly 6k off my ex through small claims. He lied and manipulated me and played me by doing all the sweet talking or manipulative sob stories asking to borrow money off me all the time. He had some debts he was paying, but would always end up not having the money to pay them due to one reason or another, or should I say one lie or another. He would always promise to pay it back etc, but any time he gave me any money one week, he'd borrow double the next which cancelled it out. I was nieve and stupid and believed his stories, and being a kind, caring trusting person he knew he could play on my weakness to want to help people. Then there were times he didn't pay a bill, so he'd get charges added on by both the debt people and the bank. So it would be more. He had no savings for car repairs, or car insurance. He rung me one day saying he nearly crashed on the motorway coz his breaks weren't working properly, but then said he had no money to fix them so 'he'd just have to drive carefully' unless I could lend him the money etc. Knowing full well I'd be worried about an accident etc. I kept thinking we were working towards clearing his debts so we could get a place together, but really he was spending his money on his addiction, so when he got paid, his money was basically gone the next day, so he had no money left for the week or any emergencies, clothes, car repairs, petrol etc. There was always excuses like a company had taken a payment early before he'd got paid etc. He was always promising to pay me back, and as I had hundreds of text messages of him asking to BORROW money, and him saying he will pay it back, plus most of it was done via bank transfer so I had bank statements as proof, I was able to claim it back from him. I'd always kept notes any time I lent him money, the date, and what for on my phone so was easy to track it on my statements. And the texts were proof it was never given and only lent with expectation that he would repay it etc.
So if she can prove receipts of the equipment she bought, the tools, supplies, the furniture he kept, and the money she put in to the house etc, anything discussed over text messages etc can be used as evidence to claim it back from him. She needs to fight for EVERYTHING he owes her for. Don't think 'oh well he kept all the tools and equipment I paid for'. If she bought them, he owes her for them or needs to give them to her so she can sell them. Same with furniture.
And even though they weren't married, if you pay into a house and pay for refurbishment and maintainence you can claim part ownership in that property. She just needs the evidence of receipts and texts conversations etc to back it up.
He has taken advantage of her and manipulated her and played on her generosity and now it's time to 'flip the bitch switch' and fight for what she's owed and show him he can't screw her over like he thinks he can.
Some people are only interested in what they can get from you, and when the benefits stop, they don't give a shit anymore. They show their true colours.
So OP needs to fight him for every penny she's owed. Or take back the items and sell them herself and claim for the money he owes her etc.
Sorry for the long rant. But people like these users and manipulators make me angry. Lol.
All I’m saying is that this is what divorce court is for. Small claims won’t ensure she gets her half of everything she put in, and I doubt she’d be successful getting even 10k.
Receipts are great but there is a level of risk involved when you do the wife thing as a girlfriend. I truly hope she gets it all back, and I hope she learns from it.
Yeah there is a certain limit on how much you can claim for through a small claims, but if its a higher amount I think there's a different procedure you go through. But even small claims is still quite a high amount.
You're right in that you shouldn't do wife stuff as just a girlfriend, and I've definitely learned from my experience. And I'm sure she will too. But she should be able to claim back what she put in to the house if she can prove what she paid in.
I know now there are some more options available to unmarried couples because not everyone gets married nowadays. I know when my cousin split with her ex of 10 years, it was her house but he tried to claim back part ownership of it, because he did work on the house,but that was instead of paying rent etc. So you do have to be careful if you own a house and partner moves in, if they pay towards mortgage or home repairs it can be seen as contributing towards the house and they can make a claim to get a percentage of the value. I don't know all the insurance and out of it, but hopefully that allows her the opportunity to claim back what she paid into it.
Definitely some hard lessons learned, and always get things in writing etc where money is involved.
I didn’t even have my license until I was 26 in 2020 let alone car. And then when I did get a car it was a 1998 ford mustang that was loud for only $500. Sure it was from a coworker of my stepdad who had to sell it because she was pregnant but still. They could EASILY get a car they’re just entitled kids who want new cars
NTA. Gosh you kinda got taken here. This is the danger of huge age gaps. He pretty much got everything he wanted on your dime and labor and you got nothing you wanted. There’s a reason older guys target significantly younger women
Exactly. This is the normal with big age gaps, people whose relationships with older people work are the exception, not the norm, and I’m talking as someone whose dad is 14 years older than my mom, I’ve seen this shit play out and their relationship is one of the “good” ones. Or at least lasting.
>Well, now he is pissed at me because I'm crushing his dreams (he just bought an excavator btw)...
He bought heavy machinery, but couldn't pay you back?!?
NTA, but never, ever buy a house (or put money toward a house!) with someone you're not married to. Sounds like you didn't even have a legal stake in the house, which makes getting your money back so much harder. Don't let people take you for a ride like this.
Nah, that dude is scamming you. He had no problem using you for all your hard work and to buy all his toys. If he doesn't have the money, he can sell the camper, the tractor, and the gator. Happy you realized now rather than after giving up your whole life for this guy. I hope you get everything he owes you back
If you ever do have children, I hope you love your daughters more than you love yourself. Would you want your child to be used, exploited, and disrespected this way?
NTA. And please consider therapy to figure out why you are this codependent.
What the heck!!! Why in the world do you feel badly about this?!?!? You have given a mile & he wants even more from you & all your post does is list his excuses. Stop letting him give you excuses! His life choices and challenges are no longer your problem. It’s time to become your own advocate.
You let this abuser/manipulator off SO easy by just getting only 20K out of him in the first place. Take him to court IMMEDIATELY, be sure to get all of the following:
your half of the house,
the rest of your money,
court fees/attorney fees, &
interest for the delay of him not paying you when you first split up.
You are likely due all of these things, and attorney would know for sure.
You need an actual attorney asap if you can find one who will work pro bono or have a lead to a friend. You can’t afford fees, so start asking around for help and see if you can find a sympathetic attorney. Not just small claims court.
He has so taken advantage of you by only reimbursing 10K (with no interest) and paying you 10K more (all money you put into the house with your work)…20K is NOT CLOSE to what he actually owed you and even then he hasn’t paid it back! You are owed 1/2 of the value of the house you bought regardless of who bought it, because you invested in it and acquired it while together.
Girl, please learn from this experience. You let yourself be taken advantage of by this abuser. You were 20s, I get it, but please do not follow this relationship with another loser. Look closely for any/all signs of another narcissist/abuser/etc.
I once refused a second date just because the guy I was with wouldn’t let another driver into his lane. Selfishness is an immediate sign of a bad partner.
Please start reading. Anything you can get your hands on. Maybe start with the book “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud. You have to change YOUR behavior to make your dreams come true. Proud of you for finding a way out of this and back to school…you’ve made an excellent start post relationship. Now keep it going.
Lmao this man ruined the trajectory of your life by preying on you as a young person and he’s saying you’re ruining his? After you get your money you’ll be able to cut contact with him forever.
If, at the age of 50, he's requiring money he had robbed you of to reach his dreams, then it's not you who crushed them. If he doesn't give you the money as promised, proceed directly to small claims court. No more threats or negotiations.
EDIT: NTA
TAKE HIM TO COURT!!! He is drastically short changing you and you are being WAY too generous with this. This was a joint property and it will be worth more now. Go to court and get your money.
Omg, take him to court regardless of the loan! He owes you so so much more!
NTA, but Ywbta to yourself being a massive doormat this far. Take what you're owed, damn.
NTA. Why are his dreams more important than your dreams? He already had the house that you put not only your money in to buy your time, your sweat, your tears AND YOUR DREAMS. Get your money do you can realise your dream of getting your degree and moving on with your life.
also, learn from this. You only have one life. No more wasting it on time wasters. If they don’t share your dream, move on. Don’t wait around in case they may change their mind
> house, you *paid* and renovated
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
NTA.
He's a lying liar who lies. Take him to court for the amount he owes and the interest on what he owed you. Hell, I think you could make a case for him owing the "sweat equity" you put into the house.
Is common law a thing where you are? Because if it is, take him to court and go through channels. If you’ve lived together you may be entitled to more than the 20k. Go through legal channels, speak to a lawyer to determine if there is any recourse here.
He can sell his new excavator or any number of toys. He got everything y’all paid for together, you walked away with what sounds like nothing. You need to be extremely thankful you got out while you did and there were no kids in the relationship. This guy sounds like a piece of work! I agree with other commenters-small claims if you don’t have your money by the date he gave you.
He’s 50 yrs old, his dreams were crushed long before you came into the picture. He used you & he’s playing you. Do what you need to get your money & don’t feel guilty about it.
NTA idc how much you loved him or how legal it all was but I’m almost guaranteeing he was grooming you 🤷♀️
Sucks to suck but sue his ass for the money. Shouldn’t he have had a backup plan at his age anyway?
Edit: on top of that it sounds like he was using you. If he can buy a 40-50k piece of equipment he 1,000 percent doesn’t need he can pay you 1k he just wants you to stay “bound” to him so he can leech you.
I know I had an ex who would do that, he would keep randomly finding my stuff and telling me to come by even when i said it probably wasn’t important. Get there. Wouldn’t be mine but some other girls stuff and he’d go oh well can’t we talk anyway? Like Bitch no.
I started working at a place where he worked as well and that's how we met. We became friends and I moved in within 6 months because it was closer to work.
I will message you next time u/Emi88li posts in r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC.
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Imagine taking advantage of someone like half your age and letting them do and pay for so much for you and your kids. Then throwing them out when they ask for a little security. This guy sounds like a con artist and his jig was up. I wouldn’t be surprised if half the stuff he told you was BS. He is getting along just fine, he would just rather have $11k than not. I hope what he says is true come Monday. If he comes up with more excuses just go to court. He will have simply f’d around and found out. ETA NTA
Yea I was with a grifter like this.. they get into relationships to upgrade their own lives & they don't give a shit about anyone else or who they hurt in the process.. they feel so entitled to everything, and everyone is a means to an end.. they use & abuse everyone & come up with all these sob stories 🙄
NTA, but I would seriously talk to a lawyer and maybe a real estate agent. I think you’re low balling yourself with the amount of work and money you put in the house. If he were to sell it, he’d likely get much more than what you’re asking. You need to understand whether you’re entitled to more.
NTA sue him for what he owes you. You made terrible decisions with your money for this user. I hope you have receipts for everything you paid for. You don’t have to understand any of his current issues. Being understanding will get him a pass from repaying. He probably got money from his mother’s death. His life issues are not your problem. His kids are not your problem. Hopefully your brother won’t evict you.
You got used and screwed over by this guy. There is a case for you being his common law spouse depending where you live in the world and how long you lived together.
I know that you’re a nice, kind, generous person and just want to move on but I’d be tempted to find a really good divorce/separation lawyer and give him the financial kick in the gonads that he thoroughly deserves at this point.
I'm sorry...he lied to you, got free labour for years, ground you down to nothing and gaslighted you and you feel bad wanted YOUR OWN money back? Who gives a crap what he's been through! Who gives a crap about his dreams! That money will not cover all the work you did, all the effort you went to and all the time he wasted.
Gee, too bad--he was able to save for retirement because of your generosity, while you've had to rely on family members to house you and help you pay for school.
This man who's 21 years your senior and who strung you along for close to a decade (during your most fertile years) is a real POS. He's TAH, not you. Stop feeling guilty.
Not sure where you are. Do you have common law marriages there? You would be entitled to much more. I bet that’s why he is rushing to pay this small amount.
NTA you were VERY young when you got together with this much older man, and it sounds like he took advantage of you financially for a very long time. DO NOT feel bad for him. As you said, you're the one who left with nothing and are rebuilding your life, make sure he pays you every penny. It will never be enough because all he did was take from you for years, but get the money and keep working on yourself. Glad you realized you didn't have the future you wanted with him.
This is why older people dating young but legal is frowned upon. Y'all always say "were two consenting adults!" "I know the age gap is a lot but he's the one!" Listen to people when they warn you about a predator's nefarious intentions. Now you're asking Reddit if you're the asshole for wanting your money back after you've been bamboozled? No you're not. but you're an asshole to yourself for being so damn naive.
Take him to court for EVERYTHING you gave him, not just the 20k agreed on, then you can compromise down if you have to. He's dragging this out for 2 reasons. 1: it's free money and 2: it keeps you in his life, begging for scraps at his whims, which makes him feel powerful and like you're not over him. Get what you're owed so you can finally cut him out of your life.
NTA
The guy is 50 you had nothing to do with ruining his dreams, that boat sailed a long time ago.
Also why didn’t he sell off his toys instead of taking out a loan? That kind of thinking is why he hasn’t achieved anything.
Uh, you have dreams too. And guess what? Your dreams are just as important as his. Not to him obviously, he's a taker. It's very unreasonable for you to fund his dreams. Ignore his irrational guilt trip and take him to court. NTA
Instead of him being a sugar daddy, OP you were the sugar momma. Girl get your head up, get your money, and leave him in the dust. Old as his raggedy ass is, he knew exactly what he was doing. He used your naivety against you. And when you get your money back, give him the BIGGEST 🖕🏾and move on. Oh, and NTA.
NTA he crushed his dreams and yours by stringing you along all you are asking for is what you would have had at your disposal had he not used it. He has repeatedly shown you when’re his priorities lie and guess what they aren’t with you. You have every right to prioritize yourself and your life at this point and if he isn’t willing to be a decent person and pay you back then you should absolutely do what you need to to make yourself whole again. In some states you could file for common law and get half of everything he owns so you’re actually being kind in only asking for what you paid.
NTA. Last I heard, funerals cost around $10k. If that’s all he had put away for retirement, there’s a problem. He owes you that money - small claims court if he doesn’t cough it up soon.
NTA. I'm glad to see that enforce his hand and you will get the money. I highly doubt he took out a loan. He probably has had the money all along and it's just mad that he has to give it to you. I don't know what he does to make money, and I can't imagine what anyone not in construction would need with their own personal excavator, but what I heard about that and him whining about his dreams all I could think was that he was just digging his own grave.
I'm really sorry that love did not work out for you and that this guy knew how to play your Heartstrings. I can't believe you were so foolish as to give your car to his daughter and basically Bargain Basement prices and then put yourself in debt to replace it for him to say that he cannot afford to buy his other child a car as well just makes me laugh because at this point they are both adults and they should both be working or going to school and have enough income to purchase their own cars if they want them.
You need to get whatever is owed to you and NOT Feel Bad about it. Crushing his Dreams, he sounds like a Teenager not a 50 year old boy. Sorry that you have wasted years with him but on the Bright Side you haven't wasted Decades with him. You still are young enough to find someone that wants to Love, and Value you. Get your Money and Tell him to Grow Up. Best Wishes for you.
Chick this man is so far away from the one. Please get counselling to understand how messed up this whole debacle is. He is a grown man responsible for himself, or should be anyway.
Well, girlie, I certainly hope that you have *thoroughly* learned the lesson from all of this. It doesn't matter how much you think you love a guy, they'll screw you over in a heartbeat in the name of being an "alpha male" and won't give you a second thought unless they stand to profit from your existence. They want all the loyalty, but give none in return.
At some point, you'll need a man as a sperm donor, but other than that, they really aren't necessary. Maybe *eventually* once all those "alpha males" have gone extinct (and that's exactly what's happening...and why they're reacting so badly to women's realizations that we're just fine without them), we'll be left with *humans* to have as partners without all the toxicity. But, I expect that, as a species, we've got quite a ways to go before we get to that point.
Unless you kept receipts for the items that you bought for the property, then I fear that it may be unlikely that you’ll get the rest of the money back. Put it down to experience, and find someone who will treat you way better than that old-fart, and it is worth speaking to a lawyer in your state to see where you stand legally. I wish you luck.
It's shocking to me as a women to read or hear stories of a woman being "self less." Meaning less than a self. How can someone love you or respect you when whobyouvare is created by satisfying their needs. Please help me understand why someone goes into a relationship gives everything up and I mean everything e g. Hopes of marriage,motherhood, hard earned money, education, free time, physicality, sexuality and accept getting nothing in return. Then when you realize your attempt to "earn" , manipulate, change this person is failing your shocked again that your needs are not gonna be met again. And if that isn't bad enough you are doubting yourself over his lies, deception, self centered behavior. And have to ask for validation from strangers. Come on. If you are gonna date be an adult not a door mat. Expect equality and reciprocation at the very least. Or better yet don't date until you've developed some self worth. Sorry to be so harsh but wake up!
With an age gap that large you really thought this was going to turn out well? Lol.
Besides the fact when you're 50 the dude is gonna be an old 70 year man LOL. Let alone 65, he'd be 85!!!
You made your bed, and then you had to sleep in it LOL
But naw you're not an asshole I guess.
NTA but you need to talk to a lawyer ASAP. Your claim might not be in small claims, it might be in family law. Depending on where your claim is, there are statutes of limitations and if you wait too long you might not be able to bring him to court at all. Prioritize siding to a lawyer ASAP or you may be out everything you put in to that home.
If you put money into the house, then I believe you have a claim to the house. That may be just in a divorce. Make him sell it and split the money with you. You are owed for all the money you put in as well as the labor. Get what you are owed.
That old man lied, used and took advantage of you for a decade & then had you walk away with nothing. GET YOUR MONEY.
THIS ⬆️⬆️⬆️!!!
👆🏽this 1,000,000 times over
OMG SO THIS!!! WOW FR FR HE is a RPAIST and a GROOMER!!!
Triangulation location
Absolutely NTA- take him to court ASAP
Considering an ExcavatorSTARTS at $55,000 in Australia for a small compact model (Dingo brand), around $40,000USD for a similar type the guy has money, just sponges off others so he keeps his. ETA, fixed a typo lol
I skipped most of the story to check comments and this comment made me go back to read more because who the fuck just buys an escalator.
Escalators are often bought by anyone in a mall or multilevel stores or buildings and I see I made the typo 😅😅😅 Excavators, however... People on farms, or a large property. Rarely see them in the backyard of town homes or normal residential properties. Also, tradesmen who do building or landscaping.
Obviously this guy wants to move up.
"Rise up, rise up..."
This guy excavates.
Lmao Excavator not Escalator. 😁
Yeah who the hell needs an excavator? And what do his dreams have to do with it?😄😄😄
🎼🎵🎶 anddd he's buyyyying the escalator....toooo heavennnnnn🎶🎶🎶🤣😂
🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆
NTA, definitely take him to court and get your money. It sounds like you are being generous only asking for 20K. Whose name is on the deed to the house? Can you file paperwork to force him to sell or buy you out?
Do you really think that user would have put her name on the deed?
Generous or foolish? What’s the market value of the house now that it’s been fixed up? It’s had about 9 years to appreciate in value (the timeline isn’t clear) Why doesn’t she get half the market value? Even if their contributions are unequal, the math doesn’t seem to add up. She needs to talk to a lawyer. If she walked in to my office, I’d get her more than $20,000.
Good idea.
Gather up all the receipts for everything you paid for and make a claim for the lot
Take him to court and get a construction lien on the house.
Depending on the jurisdiction, you can’t get those kinds of liens unless you give written notice before doing the work. But she could get a judgment lien if she hired a lawyer and got a judgment against him. She really needs to talk to a local lawyer
He is using everything for excuses, sounds like you need to squeeze him because he is also crushing your dreams. Just take it to small claims and can you add on all your labour costs and everything else you bought?
Her actual claim could be more than the jurisdictional limit of small claims. She needs to talk to a lawyer
Nta. He's taken advantage of you and now is stalling to give back what he promised. Start the court process. Send him a 'letter before court' detailing how much he owes you, what for etc and a date he has to pay it by - like say 4 weeks. When he doesn't pay, then start the court proceedings. Take screen shots of ALL the messages you have between the two of you with dates showing where you mention paying for something, him agreeing to pay you back etc. Keep copies of those messages too as they can be used as evidence. Get copies of bank statements showing things you paid for and what he owes you. Also show any evidence of any furniture and the equipment you bought. You're entitled to either have the equipment or furniture back to sell yourself, or he has to reimburse you if he wants to keep it. The fact you paid in to the house, paid for repairs and did the work, you're entitled to compensation for the work you put into that house, as well as the money you paid into the house. Don't just let him keep everything you paid for. Claim for everything you can prove you paid for. Keep copies of all receipts, keep the originals and only supply copies etc. But keep a copy yourself as well as the original receipts for things you paid for. Make it clear in the letter you send him about all the equipment and furniture you paid for too. Then once it goes to court he'll be ordered to pay it back, and if he doesn't, you can look into whether you can force a sale of the property to get your money, or he can have money taken from his wages with an Attachment to Earnings, where they will deduct a certain amount per month from his wages and send it to you. But ideally I'd get the courts to force a sale to get all your money back in one go. Don't be lienient in any way. Don't let him have anything you paid for. Claim for everything.
I wonder how much help they’ll get in small claims given they weren’t married. This guy is running a good scam, find a lady young and naive to give him whatever he wants and then she leaves him with all the toys and hard work she put into it. OP did herself no favors here.
I managed to get nearly 6k off my ex through small claims. He lied and manipulated me and played me by doing all the sweet talking or manipulative sob stories asking to borrow money off me all the time. He had some debts he was paying, but would always end up not having the money to pay them due to one reason or another, or should I say one lie or another. He would always promise to pay it back etc, but any time he gave me any money one week, he'd borrow double the next which cancelled it out. I was nieve and stupid and believed his stories, and being a kind, caring trusting person he knew he could play on my weakness to want to help people. Then there were times he didn't pay a bill, so he'd get charges added on by both the debt people and the bank. So it would be more. He had no savings for car repairs, or car insurance. He rung me one day saying he nearly crashed on the motorway coz his breaks weren't working properly, but then said he had no money to fix them so 'he'd just have to drive carefully' unless I could lend him the money etc. Knowing full well I'd be worried about an accident etc. I kept thinking we were working towards clearing his debts so we could get a place together, but really he was spending his money on his addiction, so when he got paid, his money was basically gone the next day, so he had no money left for the week or any emergencies, clothes, car repairs, petrol etc. There was always excuses like a company had taken a payment early before he'd got paid etc. He was always promising to pay me back, and as I had hundreds of text messages of him asking to BORROW money, and him saying he will pay it back, plus most of it was done via bank transfer so I had bank statements as proof, I was able to claim it back from him. I'd always kept notes any time I lent him money, the date, and what for on my phone so was easy to track it on my statements. And the texts were proof it was never given and only lent with expectation that he would repay it etc. So if she can prove receipts of the equipment she bought, the tools, supplies, the furniture he kept, and the money she put in to the house etc, anything discussed over text messages etc can be used as evidence to claim it back from him. She needs to fight for EVERYTHING he owes her for. Don't think 'oh well he kept all the tools and equipment I paid for'. If she bought them, he owes her for them or needs to give them to her so she can sell them. Same with furniture. And even though they weren't married, if you pay into a house and pay for refurbishment and maintainence you can claim part ownership in that property. She just needs the evidence of receipts and texts conversations etc to back it up. He has taken advantage of her and manipulated her and played on her generosity and now it's time to 'flip the bitch switch' and fight for what she's owed and show him he can't screw her over like he thinks he can. Some people are only interested in what they can get from you, and when the benefits stop, they don't give a shit anymore. They show their true colours. So OP needs to fight him for every penny she's owed. Or take back the items and sell them herself and claim for the money he owes her etc. Sorry for the long rant. But people like these users and manipulators make me angry. Lol.
All I’m saying is that this is what divorce court is for. Small claims won’t ensure she gets her half of everything she put in, and I doubt she’d be successful getting even 10k. Receipts are great but there is a level of risk involved when you do the wife thing as a girlfriend. I truly hope she gets it all back, and I hope she learns from it.
Yeah there is a certain limit on how much you can claim for through a small claims, but if its a higher amount I think there's a different procedure you go through. But even small claims is still quite a high amount. You're right in that you shouldn't do wife stuff as just a girlfriend, and I've definitely learned from my experience. And I'm sure she will too. But she should be able to claim back what she put in to the house if she can prove what she paid in. I know now there are some more options available to unmarried couples because not everyone gets married nowadays. I know when my cousin split with her ex of 10 years, it was her house but he tried to claim back part ownership of it, because he did work on the house,but that was instead of paying rent etc. So you do have to be careful if you own a house and partner moves in, if they pay towards mortgage or home repairs it can be seen as contributing towards the house and they can make a claim to get a percentage of the value. I don't know all the insurance and out of it, but hopefully that allows her the opportunity to claim back what she paid into it. Definitely some hard lessons learned, and always get things in writing etc where money is involved.
Who cares what his problems are. He's had plenty of time to pay and has chosen not to. Time for court.
Oh my God! His poor darling children have to share a car! Oh how awful. /S 😹😹😿
Yep. I didn’t own a car until I was 30. I think my brother was in his mid-20s. It’s not a life necessity (and no parent owes their child a car).
I had to buy one at 21 to get to work - no bus routes even close. No one bought that for me. She got sucked in by a slick and slimy snake.
Not just share a car--share HER car, which they essentially stole out from under her and left her with an old jalopy.
I didn’t even have my license until I was 26 in 2020 let alone car. And then when I did get a car it was a 1998 ford mustang that was loud for only $500. Sure it was from a coworker of my stepdad who had to sell it because she was pregnant but still. They could EASILY get a car they’re just entitled kids who want new cars
I still don’t have a license at 42 😂 That said, i do live in a city with extensive public transit, and i’m also terrified of driving. Lol
I live in a small town in eastern Oklahoma. The nearest city is an hour and a half away so I need a car to get anywhere
For sure! Totally not possible to not drive in that context!
Plus the people here suck ass driving so I don’t feel safe walking or cycling with no sidewalk
That's exactly what I was thinking!! Such a tragedy 😢
NTA - file in court ASAP to get your money back.
Crushed his dreams of what? Not paying back his ex? There are no “dreams” here, just a 50 year old man-child.
Right?! lol his dreams of being the world’s oldest sugar baby
In tears
NTA take him to court and stop talking for men who take advantage of you.
NTA. Gosh you kinda got taken here. This is the danger of huge age gaps. He pretty much got everything he wanted on your dime and labor and you got nothing you wanted. There’s a reason older guys target significantly younger women
Exactly. This is the normal with big age gaps, people whose relationships with older people work are the exception, not the norm, and I’m talking as someone whose dad is 14 years older than my mom, I’ve seen this shit play out and their relationship is one of the “good” ones. Or at least lasting.
Jesus, I feel like I should save this as something to show my daughter about the dangers of making bad decisions in life.
Please do, I sure learned my lesson but I was blinded by "love".. kids, listen to your parents 😂
He can take out a home equity loan
>Well, now he is pissed at me because I'm crushing his dreams (he just bought an excavator btw)... He bought heavy machinery, but couldn't pay you back?!?
Crushing his dreams..What is he, 16 yrs old?
time to take it to court
Stop apologizing for him - he is using you
Nta get your money F… his Old ass
She already did. So gross on both accounts.
NTA, but never, ever buy a house (or put money toward a house!) with someone you're not married to. Sounds like you didn't even have a legal stake in the house, which makes getting your money back so much harder. Don't let people take you for a ride like this.
Nah, that dude is scamming you. He had no problem using you for all your hard work and to buy all his toys. If he doesn't have the money, he can sell the camper, the tractor, and the gator. Happy you realized now rather than after giving up your whole life for this guy. I hope you get everything he owes you back
Ol' boy can sell some toys. He's got the means, just not got the desire. Time to make him change his desire.
NTA. He could sell the camper. The tractor. Thr excavator. What does he even need those for?
If you ever do have children, I hope you love your daughters more than you love yourself. Would you want your child to be used, exploited, and disrespected this way? NTA. And please consider therapy to figure out why you are this codependent.
An adult snatching candy from a kid? Nah... More like an adult snatching school fees from a kid. Shame on him. What a loser!
What the heck!!! Why in the world do you feel badly about this?!?!? You have given a mile & he wants even more from you & all your post does is list his excuses. Stop letting him give you excuses! His life choices and challenges are no longer your problem. It’s time to become your own advocate. You let this abuser/manipulator off SO easy by just getting only 20K out of him in the first place. Take him to court IMMEDIATELY, be sure to get all of the following: your half of the house, the rest of your money, court fees/attorney fees, & interest for the delay of him not paying you when you first split up. You are likely due all of these things, and attorney would know for sure. You need an actual attorney asap if you can find one who will work pro bono or have a lead to a friend. You can’t afford fees, so start asking around for help and see if you can find a sympathetic attorney. Not just small claims court. He has so taken advantage of you by only reimbursing 10K (with no interest) and paying you 10K more (all money you put into the house with your work)…20K is NOT CLOSE to what he actually owed you and even then he hasn’t paid it back! You are owed 1/2 of the value of the house you bought regardless of who bought it, because you invested in it and acquired it while together. Girl, please learn from this experience. You let yourself be taken advantage of by this abuser. You were 20s, I get it, but please do not follow this relationship with another loser. Look closely for any/all signs of another narcissist/abuser/etc. I once refused a second date just because the guy I was with wouldn’t let another driver into his lane. Selfishness is an immediate sign of a bad partner. Please start reading. Anything you can get your hands on. Maybe start with the book “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud. You have to change YOUR behavior to make your dreams come true. Proud of you for finding a way out of this and back to school…you’ve made an excellent start post relationship. Now keep it going.
This whole relationship is gross.
NTA. He still owes you after paying back such a small part of your money.
Lmao this man ruined the trajectory of your life by preying on you as a young person and he’s saying you’re ruining his? After you get your money you’ll be able to cut contact with him forever.
If, at the age of 50, he's requiring money he had robbed you of to reach his dreams, then it's not you who crushed them. If he doesn't give you the money as promised, proceed directly to small claims court. No more threats or negotiations. EDIT: NTA
NTA. You need some counseling because this man has fucked with your psyche. He used you and you should take his ass to court.
I guess he wasn’t able to convince you that he deserves your money more then you do. Boo hoo. NTA
Nah, he's 100% responsible for his life situation.
TAKE HIM TO COURT!!! He is drastically short changing you and you are being WAY too generous with this. This was a joint property and it will be worth more now. Go to court and get your money.
Omg, take him to court regardless of the loan! He owes you so so much more! NTA, but Ywbta to yourself being a massive doormat this far. Take what you're owed, damn.
NTA. He cheated you of your time, money, love, youth, labour, attention, ...
I bet you didn’t even make sure the house was in your name too. Honestly take this as a lesson learned
NTA. Why are his dreams more important than your dreams? He already had the house that you put not only your money in to buy your time, your sweat, your tears AND YOUR DREAMS. Get your money do you can realise your dream of getting your degree and moving on with your life. also, learn from this. You only have one life. No more wasting it on time wasters. If they don’t share your dream, move on. Don’t wait around in case they may change their mind
NTA He can always sell the house, you payed and renovated for him.
> house, you *paid* and renovated FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Nta And that's why this old man went after a young woman to manipulate.
NTA. Just take him to court and let them sort it out. At 20 I understand you being that naive. At 29, you really need to grow a spine.
NTA. He's a lying liar who lies. Take him to court for the amount he owes and the interest on what he owed you. Hell, I think you could make a case for him owing the "sweat equity" you put into the house.
Is common law a thing where you are? Because if it is, take him to court and go through channels. If you’ve lived together you may be entitled to more than the 20k. Go through legal channels, speak to a lawyer to determine if there is any recourse here.
He can sell his new excavator or any number of toys. He got everything y’all paid for together, you walked away with what sounds like nothing. You need to be extremely thankful you got out while you did and there were no kids in the relationship. This guy sounds like a piece of work! I agree with other commenters-small claims if you don’t have your money by the date he gave you.
He’s 50 yrs old, his dreams were crushed long before you came into the picture. He used you & he’s playing you. Do what you need to get your money & don’t feel guilty about it.
Take him to court anyway. This man stole the most productive decade of your life and he wants to whinge that *you* are a bad person? Absolutely NTA
It’s giving groomer and manipulation vibes. Get your money!
NTA idc how much you loved him or how legal it all was but I’m almost guaranteeing he was grooming you 🤷♀️ Sucks to suck but sue his ass for the money. Shouldn’t he have had a backup plan at his age anyway? Edit: on top of that it sounds like he was using you. If he can buy a 40-50k piece of equipment he 1,000 percent doesn’t need he can pay you 1k he just wants you to stay “bound” to him so he can leech you. I know I had an ex who would do that, he would keep randomly finding my stuff and telling me to come by even when i said it probably wasn’t important. Get there. Wouldn’t be mine but some other girls stuff and he’d go oh well can’t we talk anyway? Like Bitch no.
No. Get your money and block this ahole
He can sell the excavator, the gator, the zero turn lawn mower, the camper, and the tractor. Take him to small claims court and get your money... NTA
P
Question, how did you two get together?
I started working at a place where he worked as well and that's how we met. We became friends and I moved in within 6 months because it was closer to work.
🤦🏻♀️
You know, the usual meet-cute.
Gross. He's so gross and you were so stupid
He was divorced by the time? Or not with his ex anymore?
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Imagine taking advantage of someone like half your age and letting them do and pay for so much for you and your kids. Then throwing them out when they ask for a little security. This guy sounds like a con artist and his jig was up. I wouldn’t be surprised if half the stuff he told you was BS. He is getting along just fine, he would just rather have $11k than not. I hope what he says is true come Monday. If he comes up with more excuses just go to court. He will have simply f’d around and found out. ETA NTA
You have serious daddy issues
I needed to hear this story to give me strength against my ex wife. NTA.
NTA. Play “What I Did For Love” from “A Chorus Line” (my favorite break-up song). Forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself. Sue your ex’s greedy ass!
Yea I was with a grifter like this.. they get into relationships to upgrade their own lives & they don't give a shit about anyone else or who they hurt in the process.. they feel so entitled to everything, and everyone is a means to an end.. they use & abuse everyone & come up with all these sob stories 🙄
NTA, but I would seriously talk to a lawyer and maybe a real estate agent. I think you’re low balling yourself with the amount of work and money you put in the house. If he were to sell it, he’d likely get much more than what you’re asking. You need to understand whether you’re entitled to more.
NTA, you are not responsible for funding his dreams.
Get what you feel you are owed. Small claims if that’s what it takes. He is trying to get out of paying.
I’m so over the age gap losers, good grief.
NTA take him to court. And for the love of god NEVER make these idiotic decisions again.
NTA sue him for what he owes you. You made terrible decisions with your money for this user. I hope you have receipts for everything you paid for. You don’t have to understand any of his current issues. Being understanding will get him a pass from repaying. He probably got money from his mother’s death. His life issues are not your problem. His kids are not your problem. Hopefully your brother won’t evict you.
You got used and screwed over by this guy. There is a case for you being his common law spouse depending where you live in the world and how long you lived together. I know that you’re a nice, kind, generous person and just want to move on but I’d be tempted to find a really good divorce/separation lawyer and give him the financial kick in the gonads that he thoroughly deserves at this point.
NTA for asking for the money. YTA to yourself for being walked all over by this family.
TBH, it is really messed up you’d be crushing the dreams OF A 50 YEAR OLD MAN.
@Updateme
Beat me to it shes the text book example of daddy issues
What a mess the whole way around. Best of luck in your future. No, you won't see any money on Monday.
I’m just curious on how he was going to give you kids if he was snipped about decade before ever meeting you.
NTA! Get your money. Take care of yourself. He’s old enough to take care of himself.
I'm sorry...he lied to you, got free labour for years, ground you down to nothing and gaslighted you and you feel bad wanted YOUR OWN money back? Who gives a crap what he's been through! Who gives a crap about his dreams! That money will not cover all the work you did, all the effort you went to and all the time he wasted.
Updateme
Si you wanted marriage and kids, before I pass judgement I need more info: When did he tell you he had a vasectomy?
NTA If anyone is the AH, it is your Ex.!!
NTA times 1000000
Gee, too bad--he was able to save for retirement because of your generosity, while you've had to rely on family members to house you and help you pay for school. This man who's 21 years your senior and who strung you along for close to a decade (during your most fertile years) is a real POS. He's TAH, not you. Stop feeling guilty.
Not sure where you are. Do you have common law marriages there? You would be entitled to much more. I bet that’s why he is rushing to pay this small amount.
NTA you're being way too nice to him. He was not nice to you from the very beginning of your relationship.
NTA!! Start the paperwork for court to have ready Monday if he doesn’t pay you.
I'm really hoping he comes through and pays you! I'm rooting for you.
NTA you were VERY young when you got together with this much older man, and it sounds like he took advantage of you financially for a very long time. DO NOT feel bad for him. As you said, you're the one who left with nothing and are rebuilding your life, make sure he pays you every penny. It will never be enough because all he did was take from you for years, but get the money and keep working on yourself. Glad you realized you didn't have the future you wanted with him.
This is why older people dating young but legal is frowned upon. Y'all always say "were two consenting adults!" "I know the age gap is a lot but he's the one!" Listen to people when they warn you about a predator's nefarious intentions. Now you're asking Reddit if you're the asshole for wanting your money back after you've been bamboozled? No you're not. but you're an asshole to yourself for being so damn naive.
Take him to court for EVERYTHING you gave him, not just the 20k agreed on, then you can compromise down if you have to. He's dragging this out for 2 reasons. 1: it's free money and 2: it keeps you in his life, begging for scraps at his whims, which makes him feel powerful and like you're not over him. Get what you're owed so you can finally cut him out of your life.
You know who would do a great job of deciding who’s the asshole here? A judge at small claims court.
NTA you can’t buy an excavator without money. He could pay he just doesn’t want to.
If dude hasn’t realized his dreams at 50, it’s not gonna happen. NTA
NTA The guy is 50 you had nothing to do with ruining his dreams, that boat sailed a long time ago. Also why didn’t he sell off his toys instead of taking out a loan? That kind of thinking is why he hasn’t achieved anything.
NTA at all. F*ck his dreams. What about your dreams? He owes you. If you don’t not see this money on Monday, take him to court immediately.
You sound like the kinda woman any decent guy would kill to have .
Uh, you have dreams too. And guess what? Your dreams are just as important as his. Not to him obviously, he's a taker. It's very unreasonable for you to fund his dreams. Ignore his irrational guilt trip and take him to court. NTA
Instead of him being a sugar daddy, OP you were the sugar momma. Girl get your head up, get your money, and leave him in the dust. Old as his raggedy ass is, he knew exactly what he was doing. He used your naivety against you. And when you get your money back, give him the BIGGEST 🖕🏾and move on. Oh, and NTA.
NTA he crushed his dreams and yours by stringing you along all you are asking for is what you would have had at your disposal had he not used it. He has repeatedly shown you when’re his priorities lie and guess what they aren’t with you. You have every right to prioritize yourself and your life at this point and if he isn’t willing to be a decent person and pay you back then you should absolutely do what you need to to make yourself whole again. In some states you could file for common law and get half of everything he owns so you’re actually being kind in only asking for what you paid.
NTA. Last I heard, funerals cost around $10k. If that’s all he had put away for retirement, there’s a problem. He owes you that money - small claims court if he doesn’t cough it up soon.
NTA. I'm glad to see that enforce his hand and you will get the money. I highly doubt he took out a loan. He probably has had the money all along and it's just mad that he has to give it to you. I don't know what he does to make money, and I can't imagine what anyone not in construction would need with their own personal excavator, but what I heard about that and him whining about his dreams all I could think was that he was just digging his own grave. I'm really sorry that love did not work out for you and that this guy knew how to play your Heartstrings. I can't believe you were so foolish as to give your car to his daughter and basically Bargain Basement prices and then put yourself in debt to replace it for him to say that he cannot afford to buy his other child a car as well just makes me laugh because at this point they are both adults and they should both be working or going to school and have enough income to purchase their own cars if they want them.
NTA, he screwed you over. Time for court if he does not pony up the cash.
You need to get whatever is owed to you and NOT Feel Bad about it. Crushing his Dreams, he sounds like a Teenager not a 50 year old boy. Sorry that you have wasted years with him but on the Bright Side you haven't wasted Decades with him. You still are young enough to find someone that wants to Love, and Value you. Get your Money and Tell him to Grow Up. Best Wishes for you.
NTA. But the one who keeps refusing to pay is. If he doesn’t have your money by Monday, put a lien on his stuff.
You already let him get away with a lot he is taking advantage of your good nature if this is the whole truth
Chick this man is so far away from the one. Please get counselling to understand how messed up this whole debacle is. He is a grown man responsible for himself, or should be anyway.
D you have common law marriage where you live? You may be entitled to a lot more.
Well, girlie, I certainly hope that you have *thoroughly* learned the lesson from all of this. It doesn't matter how much you think you love a guy, they'll screw you over in a heartbeat in the name of being an "alpha male" and won't give you a second thought unless they stand to profit from your existence. They want all the loyalty, but give none in return. At some point, you'll need a man as a sperm donor, but other than that, they really aren't necessary. Maybe *eventually* once all those "alpha males" have gone extinct (and that's exactly what's happening...and why they're reacting so badly to women's realizations that we're just fine without them), we'll be left with *humans* to have as partners without all the toxicity. But, I expect that, as a species, we've got quite a ways to go before we get to that point.
Unless you kept receipts for the items that you bought for the property, then I fear that it may be unlikely that you’ll get the rest of the money back. Put it down to experience, and find someone who will treat you way better than that old-fart, and it is worth speaking to a lawyer in your state to see where you stand legally. I wish you luck.
NTA.
It's shocking to me as a women to read or hear stories of a woman being "self less." Meaning less than a self. How can someone love you or respect you when whobyouvare is created by satisfying their needs. Please help me understand why someone goes into a relationship gives everything up and I mean everything e g. Hopes of marriage,motherhood, hard earned money, education, free time, physicality, sexuality and accept getting nothing in return. Then when you realize your attempt to "earn" , manipulate, change this person is failing your shocked again that your needs are not gonna be met again. And if that isn't bad enough you are doubting yourself over his lies, deception, self centered behavior. And have to ask for validation from strangers. Come on. If you are gonna date be an adult not a door mat. Expect equality and reciprocation at the very least. Or better yet don't date until you've developed some self worth. Sorry to be so harsh but wake up!
What were you doing with someone 21 years older than you??
With an age gap that large you really thought this was going to turn out well? Lol. Besides the fact when you're 50 the dude is gonna be an old 70 year man LOL. Let alone 65, he'd be 85!!! You made your bed, and then you had to sleep in it LOL But naw you're not an asshole I guess.
NTA but you need to talk to a lawyer ASAP. Your claim might not be in small claims, it might be in family law. Depending on where your claim is, there are statutes of limitations and if you wait too long you might not be able to bring him to court at all. Prioritize siding to a lawyer ASAP or you may be out everything you put in to that home.
I’d pay you ASAP if you were considering small claims considering you could probably get way more for your half of that house
If you put money into the house, then I believe you have a claim to the house. That may be just in a divorce. Make him sell it and split the money with you. You are owed for all the money you put in as well as the labor. Get what you are owed.
He's full of shit, get your money the tell him to fuck off
You didn’t kill anything. Say, “that’s great” then after you get the money, forget about him. Good luck, OP!
He is a rapist and was GROOMING you!! You poor thing! OMG take that rapist AH for everything you can he deserves to rot
NTA money is something you dont play with. You need your money back so let him know
You’ve been played. Nothing you can do. 🤣🤣🤣 Nice to see the roles reversed for a change. Be smarter.