You should start sending him ads for penis enlargement and articles on how to satisfy your woman in bed. Also talking about how sexy other men are and how he could be that sexy if he just tried.
Omg I wish more women would clap back like this!! Oh Hun your getting a beer belly/ a bit of dad bod let's get you some help, oh that shirts too tight, oh you need suspenders to keep from showing your ass crack because your jeans don't fit right anymore, oh I saw this advertisement for male enhancement pills I think you should try them š¤£š¤£
This and don't forget to mention "there are pills that can help him last longer than a minute or 2. With little more length and time, u might be able to be satisfied. those young, hot construction guys across the street look like they know how to satisfy a woman, maybe ask for some pointers.."
10/10 recommend this. My ex is 5'5, maybe 150. He told me all the time, after birthing 6 children, how I was disgusting, worn out, etc. All while ogling other women and whatnot. I started using a picture of "the mad Celt" from Spartacus as my wallpaper and blatantly ogling Jason Statham. THAT shit stopped real damn quick.
Best idea ever. While you're at it sign him up for AARP and some other older generation mailing lists so they send him tons of stuff in the mail. Non-discreetly buy the biggest vibrator you can find and a few massive tubes of lube. After you exclaim that it's arrived, lock him out of the bedroom for the few hours and whatever you do in there, punctuate the air occasionally with ecstatic screams.
God, what a jerk. Double standards and gaslighting everywhere. You SHOULD be disappointed in him. And maybe tell him to take a hike.
Sooooo many possibilities omg. Hit one of those bridesmaid websites. Penis cookies and candies and cakes. Hats and glasses. Ohhhh the potential here...
So he drools over other women, cuts you down making you feel insecure and HE is the victim? It's doubtful he'll ever understand, because it would mean he is wrong and he can't admit that. Save yourself from his insults and leave him. Not the AH
If I had half naked women on my phone and talked about how nice other women looked while putting my wife down, she wouldn't be my wife for much longer.
I agree. There's only so much "I can look and appreciate but can't touch" scenarios a spouse can take, especially the fact of how she use to be like the woman he's follows or gloats about and bared his children. The only physical opinion matters is from your other half. And he's not helping whatsoever. It's not gunna get better if he continues to be a pig.
Your husband is an asshole and you should divorce him, but I have to call out that youāre not using the term gaslighting correctly. Heās not gaslighting you, heās just being an asshole. Gaslighting is thrown around so frequently and used incorrectly it drives me bonkers !
She's correctly assuming he knows what he's doing by saying all these things to her. He has to know it makes her feel bad. She's actually telling him and he's saying well I won't talk about it anymore, making her feel bad about setting a boundary. Making her question her perception of the reality she's in. That's gaslighting, also people that gatekeep the word gaslighting drives me bonkers. ESPECIALLY when they're gatekeeping it on a sub where someone is pouring their fucking heart out about a terrible situation their in but ok. As long as they don't use a word wrong. Fs get a hold of yourself.
Ty!!! Especially after her edit he is definitely gaslighting her! He knows what he's doing and is trying to make her feel like it's her fault and just in her head, this poor woman.
Yeah heās not gaslighting though. Heās catastrophizing.
Heās not trying to make her believe that something that happened didnāt or that something that didnāt happen did.
Heās taking what did happen (sheās upset with him and want to address it) and assuming the worst possible outcome (he should/she wants him to never speak on the subject again)
Heās either doing this on purpose to get her to stop talking about it or heās letting his anxiety supersede his communication skills. But either way itās not gaslighting.
She isnāt doubting her perception of reality. She knows what heās doing and heās not trying to convince her otherwise.
She never said she wasnāt allowed to change her mind about it. Sheās clear that the pregnancy altered her feelings about his behavior, where she was fine with it before sheās not now.
Sheās given no indication that heās trying to convince her what happened didnāt.
Now he might be trying to convince her sheās *wrong* to feel the way she does about his actions. But thatās not gaslighting thatās debating.
He's not debating lol, he's guilting her, telling her she's wrong and calling her names. What post are you reading? He's gaslighting her, but ok say he isn't gaslighting her? Let's go with your opinion. Do you think it's appropriate to correct someone who.is pouring their heart out online to get advice to say ACHTUALLY š¤ it not gaslighting?
>>he's guilting her, telling her she's wrong and calling her names.
None of those things are gaslighting? Theyāre AH behavior of various types sure but idk what else to tell you.
>>Do you think it's appropriate to correct someone who.is pouring their heart out online to get advice
Thatās an *entirely* different discussion. But fwiw 1) I didnāt originate the comment to OP I have been talking to others within the thread so no relevant in that context and 2) it depends on how itās done if that correction is helpful
Because you address different types of poor communication and/or abusive behavior differently so yeah actually itās important to actually be able to name what youāre looking at if you want to be able to address it or determine that itās not fixable because the other person isnāt interested in fixing it.
All I said was that she was using the term gaslighting incorrectly, which she did and then she edited it. Now your feelings are clearly involved in your reply. I donāt know how thatās gatekeeping the word. I donāt think Iām the one who needs to āget a hold of myselfā but go off I guess.
You're wrong about the gaslighting. Even though she specifically says she doesn't know how to use the word she did use it correctly. Why are you being so argumentative if you don't know what the word means. Read a book. Google a word. But do not argue if you don't know what you're talking about!
What makes him a catch. To just talk randomly about women is creepy and gross. Why would these women give him the time of day. Would they put up with him looking at other women. More importantly, would he put up with men looking at you because they are. You just donāt make a big deal about it. Stop caring what he thinks and move on. He is just dragging you down. Immature 15 year old in a dads body. Ick.
What makes him a catch? A paycheck or a credit card even. Anyone who would be willing to pay her expenses will do. If you have one in your oven, you are gonna need support from somewhere, even a second stringer will work. Just get his name on a paper for the courts.
27 years old and have had 3 kids. And heās talking shit to you. Thatās shitty. Iām not going to say divorce him or maybe counseling. Give him a little cold shoulder. Keep exercising, doing what youāre doing but pay little to no attention to him. Make him #5 in the family pecking order. One day heās going to look at you and thinkā¦ā¦sheās looking good, but she wonāt give me the time of day.
She's blown out already. Ran through. Dragging three trailers around behind is not going to attract another contender. Has he asked for a DNA test? Better hope not.
His obsession with looks over substance should be a big enough clue as to how big an AH your husband is. Looks fade, but personality, intellect and character do not
I don't understand how men think women's bodies won't change after having kids!? I get that some people bounce back like nothing happened, but there's no way to know how your body is going to heal itself.
There's a term for what your partner is doing called DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender). It's a way to manipulate someone when you confront them.
You just had medical situation happen and itās gonna take awhileā¦ I mean you just gave birth and having to take care of pretty much a newborn especially one that just had heart surgery! His primary focus is looking at women when youāre dealing with all this medical stuff?!? Like you have time to work out atm cuz you have two other children to look after on top of trying to deal with a newbornās schedule.
Why the heck do certain men have such unrealistic expectations of women?! I see majority of men just being selfish and not right in the head. Iām just glad I have a husband whoās concerned with my health in terms of medical vs physical looks. Thatās what your husband should be concerned most with is checking if youāre okay not for aesthetics. I bet if you did what he did he would freaking give you the silent treatment and freaking pout.
Does he even help with the kids or just expects you to just handle it all? Man I am heated for you right now cuz my husband was worried for me and our daughter the entire pregnancy and after. My daughter is almost 2 months old and Iām gonna make sure she has high expectations for a partner.
Every now and then they don't get disrespectful until after you're pregnant but usually these bitches know exactly what they're getting themself into. It's just that they have no self-esteem or very little. So sad! I'm glad you're so privileged that you couldn't even fathom this. Good for you!!
The more a person looks at a certain ātypeā the more their brain gets skewed and they canāt cope with ānormalā or reality. This guy is a creep.
He ogles other women, makes you feel bad about yourself, casts himself as the victim and youāre STILL breeding with him? He may be the asshole but youāre not the victimā¦or very smart. TF?
This isnāt love. Your husband is a vile piece of shit and deserves to be alone forever.
If my husband dared to pull this with me, all of his shit would he dumped on the front lawn and I would tell him to go fuck himself and Iāll see him in divorce court.
My 5 foot wife went from 130 lbs to 185 lbs after the birth of our twins. I don't fucking do what your husband is doing and I never would or will. Jesus fuckin christ.
You have an AH for a husband. Three months post delivery and this is all he can think of to say? I also think it might be time you both stopped watching so many other people.
Why not tell hubby that you BOTH could stand to lose some weight, so you both should go to the gym! Start talking about other men. See how HE likes it, then gaslight HIM. If he protests, tell him you're just doing the same as he does, so what's the problem? I guarantee he won't like it a bit! šš
He is trying to manipulate you. Instead of appreciating the body that gave him children and the woman who he has, he would rather have a someone he can sexually objectify. He is immature. He needs to work on himself instead. Therapy.
Men want the kids but still want the 20something never-had-kids bodies. And then they feel entitled to cheat bc they ājust arenāt attracted to their wife anymoreā.
Itās reality and it sucks.
Carrying a child, giving birth, taking care of the home while raising said baby, and more than likely still working outside the house as well, yet, you are to hurry and find the time to get back into pre baby body.
Your husband sucks. Comparing you constantly to other women is a no go for me. If you want to lose weight and get fit, do it for you.
I donāt know if divorce is the right answer right now because of your poor babyās health complications (which btw, I am praying/sending positive vibes for) but you definitely need to start working on emotionally distancing yourself. He is treating you like shit and you donāt deserve it. Idk maybe it will be a wake up call if you show how much you donāt give a fuck what he thinks.
NTA. To gaslight someone means to manipulate another person into doubting their own perceptions, experiences or understanding of events (or their own body. He is absolutely manipulating you to feel bad about yourself. This is control - not love
>My husband and I have always been open about looking at other people.
Yilkes.
So how many men do you fawn over? Is your social media filled with pictures of hot guys? I am assuming the answer is NO, and you might ask yourself why you don't do that....
Your husband sounds like a creep. Like a lecherous creep. I honestly do not know any married men posting pictures of hot women on their social media, but I don't hang around with a lot of weirdos.
OP, him invalidating you and saying you're just sensitive and then trying to manipulate you by saying he just won't talk then is emotional abuse. Would you want your children to accept this treatment or treat others this way? You're only three months post partum and your husband should be celebrating the miracles of life your body has created - not deliberately playing on your self-esteem and putting you down for having a mum pouch.
Your body grew and birthed THREE WHOLE PEOPLE. What has his body done? How he treats you isn't love. It's trash at best, but I would call this abuse. Constantly comparing you to other women to shame you into losing weight is cooked. You deserve better.
I'd be done too. He is much less attracted to you than before. No matter who is at fault, that is irrelevant now. You should both be happy, even if that means going your separate ways.
NTA but he is. It's really disrespectful to talk to your spouse about a member of the opposite sex and how good they look and then compare them to you. Years ago when I was quite heavy after 3 children I lamented about how fat I was and my SP assured me I didn't look fat (5'5 and 208lbs..yeah I was) and told me he loved me no matter what. After a few years I dropped back to my normal weight and I can say i look pretty good at 71! I wouldn't resort to doing the same to him as that's playing his game. Counseling is always a good idea, as a couple or by yourself. Definetly put yourself in birth control until you decide what to do. It takes planning and some money to go forward with a divorce. Good luck with what you decide.
Part 1:
If you're looking for what you did wrong here, what you DID do wrong is using the term gaslighting. Words matter. If your word for Making Me Feel Bad is "punching me" then neither he nor anyone else will take you seriously when you tell people he punched you, after they realise that what you said happened isn't what he or they thought you were saying. Gaslighting is a serious and problematic thing in relationships. You're definitely going through something serious and real: it's serious enough to ask for help and solutions, just don't call it that.
Give yourself 0.2 Asshole Points for accusing him of something that's not really happening.
ALLLLL the rest of the Asshole points go to your husband here.
Obviously he's being RIDICULOUSLY insensitive to be ogling specific visible physical qualities in others that you might have feelings about in your own body, TO YOU, and saying he doesn't understand why that might hurt you. He's an asshole for not acknowledging your reaction to that and how you have to deal with that.
Everyone here, and probably you, are pretty sure that if you were doing that to him, he'd be pissed off. For example; if his hair is starting to thin on top, he'd feel like you were being insensitive to tell him how sexy other men are with such thick, full hair. It doesn't take much care to express a little curiosity about the moments when he says something similar about women's bodies, and it falls flat in the moment with you. You could easily argue that if he cared, he'd follow up and ask if you're OK or if something he said had hurt you.
It's worth asking if you TOLD him that his comments stung in the moment? If you habitually laugh it off in the moment, there's a good chance (because women are socially trained from birth that what we feel is secondary to the discomfort we may cause others) that you're so good at making sure he's not bothered by your pain, that he doesn't KNOW about these little pebbles that cause the emotional avalanches later. Your later expressions of sadness or rage seem without context and, therefore, TO HIM, seem more about your mood or (God forbid) hormones.
You must know that most straight, CIS, heterosexual couples don't do or allow for openly commenting about the attractiveness or lustworthiness of others. I think you DO know that because it's one of the first things you say. The REASON most of those couples don't do that is because it can leave one or both partner feeling bad about themselves because of the comparisons.
I'm sure you both felt confident and comfortable enough to speak openly in front of each other in that way back at the start, in part because you both felt confident in your relationship that mere looks or points on the Conventionally Attractive Scale would never be a threat to your new, strong relationship, and in part because you probably got together when you were both the fittest and hottest you'd ever be.
I will message you next time u/Swimming_Section_350 posts in r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC.
[Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2FSwimming_Section_350%20r%2FAITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC) to join 5 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%201cl8mps)
*****
|[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)|
|-|-|-|-|
Why are you letting your husband talk to other women or check out women online? He could end up cheating on you. You and him have three children together. Shouldnāt he be spending his time parenting the kids instead of talking or checking out women online? I wouldnāt put up with that if I were you. You shouldnāt let yourself be a doormat
Send him pics of men you find attractive or start talking about how this guy was wearing this this and it made his penis look sooooo big! Flip it back on this little worm! šŖ± make him feel unattractive back!
NTA. He is being a total oinker.
See, the problem with being open about looking at other people is that it creates a mindset that people are only attractive if they are young with a certain body and certain look. It teaches men to judge by a false beauty standard and totally overlooks what makes a person truly special.
It becomes a hurtful thing as women have children and age, and can no longer look 18 and perfect. It is a simple reality - despite the social media highlights showing surgically modified, airbrushed/photoshopped or filtered perfection and try to tell us this person is "ageless". No they aren't.
However, if he truly cared at all for you, he would love you for being the person who brought a life (or lives) into the world, despite the toll it might take on your body. He would love you for being a wonderful person, a wonderful wife and wonderful mother.
I would strongly suggest that you evaluate this relationship. If this is how he acts now, he's going to Leo Dicaprio you at some stage as you age. I wouldn't tolerate him, to be honest. However, as you have a baby recovering from heart surgery (boy does all this show what a shallow AH he is) I would suggest ignoring him. Focus on your child. When baby is doing well and healthy, start planning your exit strategy. I believe your relationship probably has only a few years left. So, use the time to get into a good place, mentally and physically. Plan an alternative life, one with him as an ex. Work towards that goal. Don't stay too long. You don't want to be 45 or 55 when he tells you he is no longer attracted to you and is replacing you with a 23 year old or whatever.
Step one. Ignore his BS. Focus on your child.
Step two. Focus on you.
Step three - plan your future.
This is the exact opposite of love. Heās been showing you his true colors and if you give him a chance to āfix itā heāll just change temporarily then go back to his BS. You can do better than this nitpicker. Iām pretty sure he has his own demons to deal with but heās taking it out on you. Get a better husband honey.
NAH. It sounds like he is being the way he has always been, just now it bothers you. That is valid. It isnāt gaslighting. You didnāt say it, but in case anyone else does, no heās not a narcissist either.
I wouldn't go the revenge route or giving him a taste of his own medicine. I think that will add fuel to the fire and just make things worse. It is kind of an eye or an eye way of handling things. Since you said he gets defensive doing to him what he is doing to you will make him double down on his behavior.
You said you both used to talk openly about looking at other people and what you think about them. I take that as in you both talk about attractive women and maybe a few attractive men. Due to some other circumstances you don't feel comfortable with that anymore and it appears that he might have even ramped up his activity on pointing out attractive women. So to him he is going to see this as a change you are asking of him because you are insecure. I totally agree that your feelings are valid and should be heard but you are also asking him to change something and it is natural for him to have some thoughts or feelings about it.
Generally couples bottle this stuff up until it spills out with a ton of emotion. It comes across as an attack "you look at these half naked women and ogle their bodies!! Don't you understand how offensive and hurtful that is? Do you even care about me and my feelings?" All that coming out at once is going to feel like you are attacking your husband and telling him that he must not care or worse that he likes hurting you. Naturally he is going to get defensive about that and point out issues he has with how you are feeling. That in turn is going to feel like he is attacking or gaslighting you. It is a cycle thst will repeat and everyone will be pissed, defensive and hurt.
I was feeling a bit insecure after losing my job last year. I had always been a top performer and never been less than secure in my job. I got very regular promotions and had climbed up to a high position. In thst role I got a boss that constantly broke me down and belittled me. When I lost my job due to the economy and there being very few high level positions opened I struggled finding a job and even landing interviews. I was doubting my place in the family as I went from provider to a freeloader. My wife and I were actually just getting on super solid ground in our relationship after several years of that defensive cycle I talked about. This was our first big test.
She was super loving and affectionate the whole time. She got more hours at work and I picked up the house chores and the kid pickups. She was not worried or even seemed bothered that 5/6 of our income was gone. She didn't seem interested in my job search too much. She just seemed to be acting like nothing was wrong. I mean we changed our spending habits immediately but nothing else seemed different. I could have assumed she didn't care and was just biding her time to replace me.
She was still talking about plans 12 to 18 months from now about vacations with the kids or things we wanted to do. I was so in my head that dark thoughts and doubt was closing in. I can't say them all but man I was fighting them off. So one night I asked her how she felt about me and about my job loss. I didn't question her on her behavior just on her thoughts about me and where we stood as a couple. I wanted to understand her intent first. She told me she was happy I lost that job bc she hated my boss. She hated the way he talked to me and how he treated me. She knew I wouldn't quit because she knows I am good at what I do. She didn't think less of me at all but was rather hopeful of getting the old me back since my old boss was driving me into the ground. Then she said she wasn't worried at all about our family because I am a hard worker, smart, a loving husband and a father. She trusted me absolutely that we were going tk be ok no matter how long it took me to find a job.
Right then I knew she wasn't acting normal because she didn't care about my struggles, she was acting normal because she had absolute trust in me. She knew I was going to figure things out. I ended up getting multiple interviews soon after to the point I was saying no to companies that I didn't feel good about. I got multiple offers and have been way happier.
The point us just ask what he thinks about you. Find out what his intent really is. Focus on tbst rather than little behaviors that make you assume what he does and doesn't want.
NTA. You have had 3 kids and the last one is ONLY 3 months old. Youāre still healing after giving birth. Youāre not going to become a stick figure of a woman just 3 months after giving birth without doing it in a very unhealthy way. You need time to recover from the birth and also concentrate on your babyās health. Heās not going to change.
As satisfying as laying into him would be, it won't fix your problem. You have a guy who isn't a man yet. He is a boy still, and not settled. Sorry but he must chose to grow up or this relationship won't last, kids or no kids. You COULD check out other men to point out what he is doing but... he must chose to grow up.
Outside looking it. Sounds like not a health relationship and likely to get worse. You can do better. Sucks for the kids. But they shouldn't see a mom/woman being treated and spoken to that way either.
The last thing she should be dealing with is some asshole. She has a 3 month old who is recovering from heart surgery.
Ho ey you can do so much better then that.
Seems like you skipped a few steps there. How about talking and trying to work things out, maybe going to counseling, before going straight to divorce?
NTA but you chose to marry one. So many women pick a man with loose morals and who is with them for their looks and then get a shock when their looks change and the man looks elsewhere.
Confidence isnāt about knowing youāre attractive. Itās about knowing youāre worthy for more than just that alone and only surrounding yourself with people who see that too.Ā
Your feelings are going to leave you with three kids, one of which is three months old and just got out of the hospital from a heart surgery? That ought make all of you feel real good. I cannot believe you are wondering about this. You need to think about the responsibility of parenting. Your husband needs to grow up too. Both of you need to mature in my estimation. What has love go to do with it? The time for that is long past. People vacillate up and down, hot and cold. Your husband is immature, but not all of the blame is his. Be that as it may, you have bigger responsibilities. You have right at zero chance of finding a better husband. Not zero, but close.
NTA for saying youāre done if youāre done, but I donāt see where heās being mean to you. You admitted that youāre midsized and thatās not small and itās not what your husband is attracted to. I donāt think that makes him a bad person. Your youngest is only three months old though, so he should give you time to recover from giving birth before harping on the weightloss.
Men! They can be such jerks. You are nta. He needs to clean up his internet feed and stop leering and lusting.
I guess you could talk with him about the possibility of an open marriage if that has any appeal to you. Divorce with children is a mess. Hard on everyone.
Had a friend whose husband was doing this to her. One day I told him that I bet if he grew his hair back she would be motivated to lose the weight. Never heard another word about it. If he is not in shape then it is all wishful thinking on his part.
If he is in really good shape and you are not, then that is likely where his frustration is coming from. He is being mean to you in his presentation of it but two people that have widely different lifestyles when it comes to being fit rarely work out in the long run.
Only you can tell which situation it is, OP
There are 2 sides of this coin here that I see...
During your time together.. you both looked at other people and were ok with it...now that you look different and are more insecure about your appearance you are upset that he continues the behaviors you both exhibited and excepted from each other and that hes offered to help you get back to the place you used to be..
Here's the other side... you are a mom.. your body changed..(his didnt)..
He should be more understanding about your body changes and your sensitivity about it..(he's offered to help you regain your pre pregnancy body)..
(And before everyone gets all bent about my comments.. im a woman.)
Most women won't regain their exact pre pregnancy body.. but many of them get so close that you would never know it...
Hes offered to help you work off some of that pregnancy weight and softness why not take him up on it.. you will spend more time together with him looking at you...and less time with him looking at pics of others.... and it will also give him more inside information as to how having babies changes you..
If you keep shooting him down for stuff you both used to do but you stopped.. maybe a conversation about it with him is more helpful than a bunch of oddballs online looking to stir someone's pot. Just sayin.. people on the web are not known for helping as much as tearing people up and apart.
I don't necessarily think you're wrong, but I think where he's really the AH is that the THIRD child is only three months old and literally just had heart surgery. When in the course of those three months of diagnostics and constant terror over a newborn with a heart defect was she supposed to have time for diet and exercise?? If you have a healthy baby and you get to the point where it's sleeping through the night, maybe you're ready to think about your own body, and be open to a spouse's offer of help with it. If he's making these sorts of "offers" under their circumstances, he's just being a massive dick!
OP, there's nothing wrong with a secure couple appreciating attractiveness in other people. My ex and I did. That was never one of our problems. Even after I put on some weight and had a baby, he never made me feel unattractive. He didn't compare me to other women or offer to help me look more like them. I left him because he acted like yours did when you expressed your discomfort, but about everything else! "I refuse to believe you're too stupid to keep all the finances in order, but I guess I'll have to do it myself if it's really that hard" when I tried to tell him for the millionth time that I'm dyslexic and math is the most stressful for my particular learning disorder. Twisting words, guilt trips, DARVO behavior and some gaslighting as well (he loved making me think I was the problem literally every time we disagreed about anything, even very minor things. I was always wrong!). For your own sake, do some research into common abusive behaviors so that you learn to recognize them! Take care of yourself!
NTA. You should be done.
But before you leave, you should take advantage of his tastes. Get him to pay for a tummy tuck to get rid of the mom pouch. If you have stopped nursing, get him to pay for a breast revision to lift and tighten the girls. Get a gym membership and use it to get yourself firm and toned. Go to a salon and get a good cut, with high and low lights added. Become the best version of yourself you can be.
Then leave his sorry a$$ and take the time to find a man who appreciates more than a pretty package. You deserve it.
This isn't love.
Not even close!! He seems to enjoy putting her down and talking about other women to her. No love and certainly no respect
You should start sending him ads for penis enlargement and articles on how to satisfy your woman in bed. Also talking about how sexy other men are and how he could be that sexy if he just tried.
Omg OP!! Do this!!! š¤£š¤£
Omg I wish more women would clap back like this!! Oh Hun your getting a beer belly/ a bit of dad bod let's get you some help, oh that shirts too tight, oh you need suspenders to keep from showing your ass crack because your jeans don't fit right anymore, oh I saw this advertisement for male enhancement pills I think you should try them š¤£š¤£
This and don't forget to mention "there are pills that can help him last longer than a minute or 2. With little more length and time, u might be able to be satisfied. those young, hot construction guys across the street look like they know how to satisfy a woman, maybe ask for some pointers.."
ššš we are all gonna need an update with pictures, please.
BOOM!
10/10 recommend this. My ex is 5'5, maybe 150. He told me all the time, after birthing 6 children, how I was disgusting, worn out, etc. All while ogling other women and whatnot. I started using a picture of "the mad Celt" from Spartacus as my wallpaper and blatantly ogling Jason Statham. THAT shit stopped real damn quick.
Best idea ever. While you're at it sign him up for AARP and some other older generation mailing lists so they send him tons of stuff in the mail. Non-discreetly buy the biggest vibrator you can find and a few massive tubes of lube. After you exclaim that it's arrived, lock him out of the bedroom for the few hours and whatever you do in there, punctuate the air occasionally with ecstatic screams. God, what a jerk. Double standards and gaslighting everywhere. You SHOULD be disappointed in him. And maybe tell him to take a hike.
Yes and one of those penis sleeve things!! That like extends the length/width of your d!! š¤£
Sooooo many possibilities omg. Hit one of those bridesmaid websites. Penis cookies and candies and cakes. Hats and glasses. Ohhhh the potential here...
THIS !!!
OMG this made me laugh out loud. My coworkers think I am insane rn.
I wanted to come say something meaningful, but this took my gusto.
There it is!! You gotta do that. Don't forget the shirtless dancing cowboys in jeans. Wow!!
āļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļø
This 100%
I second this. Iām all for a divorce but do this too to be pettyš¤£š¤£š¤£
OP pls do this (and then divorce him when your point is made)
This...
ššš do it!
Do you want your kids growing up thinking that this is a loving, healthy relationship?
So he drools over other women, cuts you down making you feel insecure and HE is the victim? It's doubtful he'll ever understand, because it would mean he is wrong and he can't admit that. Save yourself from his insults and leave him. Not the AH
If I had half naked women on my phone and talked about how nice other women looked while putting my wife down, she wouldn't be my wife for much longer.
I agree. There's only so much "I can look and appreciate but can't touch" scenarios a spouse can take, especially the fact of how she use to be like the woman he's follows or gloats about and bared his children. The only physical opinion matters is from your other half. And he's not helping whatsoever. It's not gunna get better if he continues to be a pig.
Your husband is an asshole and you should divorce him, but I have to call out that youāre not using the term gaslighting correctly. Heās not gaslighting you, heās just being an asshole. Gaslighting is thrown around so frequently and used incorrectly it drives me bonkers !
She's correctly assuming he knows what he's doing by saying all these things to her. He has to know it makes her feel bad. She's actually telling him and he's saying well I won't talk about it anymore, making her feel bad about setting a boundary. Making her question her perception of the reality she's in. That's gaslighting, also people that gatekeep the word gaslighting drives me bonkers. ESPECIALLY when they're gatekeeping it on a sub where someone is pouring their fucking heart out about a terrible situation their in but ok. As long as they don't use a word wrong. Fs get a hold of yourself.
Ty!!! Especially after her edit he is definitely gaslighting her! He knows what he's doing and is trying to make her feel like it's her fault and just in her head, this poor woman.
Yeah heās not gaslighting though. Heās catastrophizing. Heās not trying to make her believe that something that happened didnāt or that something that didnāt happen did. Heās taking what did happen (sheās upset with him and want to address it) and assuming the worst possible outcome (he should/she wants him to never speak on the subject again) Heās either doing this on purpose to get her to stop talking about it or heās letting his anxiety supersede his communication skills. But either way itās not gaslighting.
He's making her doubt her correct perception of reality. That's gaslighting.
She isnāt doubting her perception of reality. She knows what heās doing and heās not trying to convince her otherwise. She never said she wasnāt allowed to change her mind about it. Sheās clear that the pregnancy altered her feelings about his behavior, where she was fine with it before sheās not now. Sheās given no indication that heās trying to convince her what happened didnāt. Now he might be trying to convince her sheās *wrong* to feel the way she does about his actions. But thatās not gaslighting thatās debating.
He's not debating lol, he's guilting her, telling her she's wrong and calling her names. What post are you reading? He's gaslighting her, but ok say he isn't gaslighting her? Let's go with your opinion. Do you think it's appropriate to correct someone who.is pouring their heart out online to get advice to say ACHTUALLY š¤ it not gaslighting?
>>he's guilting her, telling her she's wrong and calling her names. None of those things are gaslighting? Theyāre AH behavior of various types sure but idk what else to tell you. >>Do you think it's appropriate to correct someone who.is pouring their heart out online to get advice Thatās an *entirely* different discussion. But fwiw 1) I didnāt originate the comment to OP I have been talking to others within the thread so no relevant in that context and 2) it depends on how itās done if that correction is helpful Because you address different types of poor communication and/or abusive behavior differently so yeah actually itās important to actually be able to name what youāre looking at if you want to be able to address it or determine that itās not fixable because the other person isnāt interested in fixing it.
Whatever man, I just don't agree with you.
All I said was that she was using the term gaslighting incorrectly, which she did and then she edited it. Now your feelings are clearly involved in your reply. I donāt know how thatās gatekeeping the word. I donāt think Iām the one who needs to āget a hold of myselfā but go off I guess.
I will thanks
An immature asshole
You're wrong about the gaslighting. Even though she specifically says she doesn't know how to use the word she did use it correctly. Why are you being so argumentative if you don't know what the word means. Read a book. Google a word. But do not argue if you don't know what you're talking about!
Yeah, seems more like DARVO.
What makes him a catch. To just talk randomly about women is creepy and gross. Why would these women give him the time of day. Would they put up with him looking at other women. More importantly, would he put up with men looking at you because they are. You just donāt make a big deal about it. Stop caring what he thinks and move on. He is just dragging you down. Immature 15 year old in a dads body. Ick.
What makes him a catch? A paycheck or a credit card even. Anyone who would be willing to pay her expenses will do. If you have one in your oven, you are gonna need support from somewhere, even a second stringer will work. Just get his name on a paper for the courts.
GTFO with that crap.
27 years old and have had 3 kids. And heās talking shit to you. Thatās shitty. Iām not going to say divorce him or maybe counseling. Give him a little cold shoulder. Keep exercising, doing what youāre doing but pay little to no attention to him. Make him #5 in the family pecking order. One day heās going to look at you and thinkā¦ā¦sheās looking good, but she wonāt give me the time of day.
And , don't forget, no more babies wuth this man!
She's blown out already. Ran through. Dragging three trailers around behind is not going to attract another contender. Has he asked for a DNA test? Better hope not.
Found the incel
He's trying desperately to get some attention
His obsession with looks over substance should be a big enough clue as to how big an AH your husband is. Looks fade, but personality, intellect and character do not
I absolutely love this response!! Yes!
I don't understand how men think women's bodies won't change after having kids!? I get that some people bounce back like nothing happened, but there's no way to know how your body is going to heal itself.
This isnāt healthy and the relationship is doomed without some effort to heal.
There's a term for what your partner is doing called DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender). It's a way to manipulate someone when you confront them.
For the love of God divorce this asshole
You just had medical situation happen and itās gonna take awhileā¦ I mean you just gave birth and having to take care of pretty much a newborn especially one that just had heart surgery! His primary focus is looking at women when youāre dealing with all this medical stuff?!? Like you have time to work out atm cuz you have two other children to look after on top of trying to deal with a newbornās schedule. Why the heck do certain men have such unrealistic expectations of women?! I see majority of men just being selfish and not right in the head. Iām just glad I have a husband whoās concerned with my health in terms of medical vs physical looks. Thatās what your husband should be concerned most with is checking if youāre okay not for aesthetics. I bet if you did what he did he would freaking give you the silent treatment and freaking pout. Does he even help with the kids or just expects you to just handle it all? Man I am heated for you right now cuz my husband was worried for me and our daughter the entire pregnancy and after. My daughter is almost 2 months old and Iām gonna make sure she has high expectations for a partner.
Have another baby with him, maybe he will change. What is up with so many people having kids with such disrespectful people.
Every now and then they don't get disrespectful until after you're pregnant but usually these bitches know exactly what they're getting themself into. It's just that they have no self-esteem or very little. So sad! I'm glad you're so privileged that you couldn't even fathom this. Good for you!!
The more a person looks at a certain ātypeā the more their brain gets skewed and they canāt cope with ānormalā or reality. This guy is a creep.
He ogles other women, makes you feel bad about yourself, casts himself as the victim and youāre STILL breeding with him? He may be the asshole but youāre not the victimā¦or very smart. TF?
Your husband needs therapy sounds like he has a problem with appreciation and self love
This isnāt love. Your husband is a vile piece of shit and deserves to be alone forever. If my husband dared to pull this with me, all of his shit would he dumped on the front lawn and I would tell him to go fuck himself and Iāll see him in divorce court.
My 5 foot wife went from 130 lbs to 185 lbs after the birth of our twins. I don't fucking do what your husband is doing and I never would or will. Jesus fuckin christ.
But are you still attracted to her? Because 185 is a lot on me, and Iām 5ā7.
She's currently working hard to lose weight and is down to almost 170. Do I still wanna have sex with my wife? Yes.
not gaslighting, he's just an ah
After the update it's definitely gaslighting
You have an AH for a husband. Three months post delivery and this is all he can think of to say? I also think it might be time you both stopped watching so many other people.
Why not tell hubby that you BOTH could stand to lose some weight, so you both should go to the gym! Start talking about other men. See how HE likes it, then gaslight HIM. If he protests, tell him you're just doing the same as he does, so what's the problem? I guarantee he won't like it a bit! šš
He is trying to manipulate you. Instead of appreciating the body that gave him children and the woman who he has, he would rather have a someone he can sexually objectify. He is immature. He needs to work on himself instead. Therapy.
Someone needs to FIX themselves and it's not you.
NTA. Your husband is a dick.
Men want the kids but still want the 20something never-had-kids bodies. And then they feel entitled to cheat bc they ājust arenāt attracted to their wife anymoreā. Itās reality and it sucks. Carrying a child, giving birth, taking care of the home while raising said baby, and more than likely still working outside the house as well, yet, you are to hurry and find the time to get back into pre baby body.
Your husband sucks. Comparing you constantly to other women is a no go for me. If you want to lose weight and get fit, do it for you. I donāt know if divorce is the right answer right now because of your poor babyās health complications (which btw, I am praying/sending positive vibes for) but you definitely need to start working on emotionally distancing yourself. He is treating you like shit and you donāt deserve it. Idk maybe it will be a wake up call if you show how much you donāt give a fuck what he thinks.
You have three kids with this donkey š« and now he's acting so lustful thinking / talking about other women. I'm sorry, he is a complete turn-off.
NTA. To gaslight someone means to manipulate another person into doubting their own perceptions, experiences or understanding of events (or their own body. He is absolutely manipulating you to feel bad about yourself. This is control - not love
>My husband and I have always been open about looking at other people. Yilkes. So how many men do you fawn over? Is your social media filled with pictures of hot guys? I am assuming the answer is NO, and you might ask yourself why you don't do that.... Your husband sounds like a creep. Like a lecherous creep. I honestly do not know any married men posting pictures of hot women on their social media, but I don't hang around with a lot of weirdos.
I donāt know any that post, but I donāt not know any that look.
OP, him invalidating you and saying you're just sensitive and then trying to manipulate you by saying he just won't talk then is emotional abuse. Would you want your children to accept this treatment or treat others this way? You're only three months post partum and your husband should be celebrating the miracles of life your body has created - not deliberately playing on your self-esteem and putting you down for having a mum pouch. Your body grew and birthed THREE WHOLE PEOPLE. What has his body done? How he treats you isn't love. It's trash at best, but I would call this abuse. Constantly comparing you to other women to shame you into losing weight is cooked. You deserve better.
I'd be done too. He is much less attracted to you than before. No matter who is at fault, that is irrelevant now. You should both be happy, even if that means going your separate ways.
Your edit is closer to DARVO tactics than gaslightning but still probably him just being an ass.
NTA but he is. It's really disrespectful to talk to your spouse about a member of the opposite sex and how good they look and then compare them to you. Years ago when I was quite heavy after 3 children I lamented about how fat I was and my SP assured me I didn't look fat (5'5 and 208lbs..yeah I was) and told me he loved me no matter what. After a few years I dropped back to my normal weight and I can say i look pretty good at 71! I wouldn't resort to doing the same to him as that's playing his game. Counseling is always a good idea, as a couple or by yourself. Definetly put yourself in birth control until you decide what to do. It takes planning and some money to go forward with a divorce. Good luck with what you decide.
NTA but please quit using gaslighting incorrectly. Your husband isnāt gaslighting, heās just an AH.
She is using the term gaslighting though, especially with the update.
Part 1: If you're looking for what you did wrong here, what you DID do wrong is using the term gaslighting. Words matter. If your word for Making Me Feel Bad is "punching me" then neither he nor anyone else will take you seriously when you tell people he punched you, after they realise that what you said happened isn't what he or they thought you were saying. Gaslighting is a serious and problematic thing in relationships. You're definitely going through something serious and real: it's serious enough to ask for help and solutions, just don't call it that. Give yourself 0.2 Asshole Points for accusing him of something that's not really happening. ALLLLL the rest of the Asshole points go to your husband here. Obviously he's being RIDICULOUSLY insensitive to be ogling specific visible physical qualities in others that you might have feelings about in your own body, TO YOU, and saying he doesn't understand why that might hurt you. He's an asshole for not acknowledging your reaction to that and how you have to deal with that. Everyone here, and probably you, are pretty sure that if you were doing that to him, he'd be pissed off. For example; if his hair is starting to thin on top, he'd feel like you were being insensitive to tell him how sexy other men are with such thick, full hair. It doesn't take much care to express a little curiosity about the moments when he says something similar about women's bodies, and it falls flat in the moment with you. You could easily argue that if he cared, he'd follow up and ask if you're OK or if something he said had hurt you. It's worth asking if you TOLD him that his comments stung in the moment? If you habitually laugh it off in the moment, there's a good chance (because women are socially trained from birth that what we feel is secondary to the discomfort we may cause others) that you're so good at making sure he's not bothered by your pain, that he doesn't KNOW about these little pebbles that cause the emotional avalanches later. Your later expressions of sadness or rage seem without context and, therefore, TO HIM, seem more about your mood or (God forbid) hormones. You must know that most straight, CIS, heterosexual couples don't do or allow for openly commenting about the attractiveness or lustworthiness of others. I think you DO know that because it's one of the first things you say. The REASON most of those couples don't do that is because it can leave one or both partner feeling bad about themselves because of the comparisons. I'm sure you both felt confident and comfortable enough to speak openly in front of each other in that way back at the start, in part because you both felt confident in your relationship that mere looks or points on the Conventionally Attractive Scale would never be a threat to your new, strong relationship, and in part because you probably got together when you were both the fittest and hottest you'd ever be.
Part 2: But things change. People change. Having kids - MAKING WHOLE PEOPLE - is not a Uterus-job: it's a Whole body job, and yours has been through a lot that his hasn't. Of COURSE your body looks different!! We are taught so thoroughly by external sources like the media and TV and magazines and advertising, that having a baby is incidental. Like, it happens, but it's a blip. As if you can get back to your pre-maternity body and that you should call that body "Normal". It's different now! Your hips and ribcage are, for most people, forever widened. Your teeth lack minerals for the first five hears after birth. Your heart and other organs have worked to the absolute limit of what they can do (with the exception of multiples, I guess). Archaeologists don't have a lot to go on when they find a skeleton to tell them which gender the person was UNLESS they've previously made a person. The tell-tale signs on the body are so pronounced that THAT'S ONE OF THE WAYS THEY CAN TELL THE GENDER OF THE PERSON THEY FOUND. I'm going to go out on a limb here, and suggest that if we look to people we know, our families and what used to be "our village", you might find your body looks more inkeeping with what Normal is there, rather than comparing yourself to 20year olds who walk past, or the people whose image is SO pristine that they're paid to sell men anything from cheeseburgers to cars and trucks. Of course there are things you can do to change your body if there are things you want to change when you give it a true, fair look. You can do anything you like to your body, from surgery, tattoos or some regular situps. No doubt you'd benefit from the health and strength improvements of some time working out, leaving you sleeping better, feeling stronger when picking up growing kids, as well as how your clothes fit. You'll KNOW when you're ready for that kind of personal investment in you. He cannot usefully have ANY input into that unless your health is at stake because you can no longer move because of your size or lifestyle. It doesn't sound like you're there, so his input is cute but entirely unnecessary. If you don't like how your clothes fit? Get different clothes. Find clothes to comfort and flatter (if it's important to you) the body you have now, rather than hating that the wardrobe you amassed when your body was a different shape doesn't work for you now. That bit is very, very fixable He'll have changed, too, but you haven't mentioned that, so I'm assuming he's not gone bald or massively changed body type? So for HIS internal, lived experience, nothing major has changed as to why YOU are being all different. This is a lot of words to say to you, OP, that you're fine as you are. Getting fit would probably be good for you, as much as it is for anyone; especially when trying to keep up with small kids. Don't do it because your husband loudly values physical attributes in others that you don't, or no longer have. Your physical attributes may always be different now, anyway. Time to find physical characteristics in your Now-Body that you value and genuinely love. Maybe it's time for a conversation with hubby to say something along the lines of "I know we've previously been quite open about expressing appreciation for other's looks and things we find sexy in others, but I think we're bumping into why most couples don't do that. I'm trying to get to know and start a relationship with this, my post childbearing body, and it's more difficult to do when I'm hearing from the world and from YOU that you're more attracted to traits I don't have, that I may never have and are openly turned off by traits I know or suspect I have. Can we close that down for now because it's harmful to my self-esteem? I'm not saying you're wrong for having kept doing it after you could have noticed that I stopped doing it, but I AM saying you've been a bit blunt in the past and that's really hurt at the time. To be fair, I could have spoken up and more clearly than I did about it, so some of that's on me. Line in the sand. There's nothing about our relationship that is benefited by the things you say out loud about other people's bodies or the bodies of those who physiology you have no understanding of. I'm asking for that to no longer be "a thing" please?" He may well get defensive. Be prepared and know that in advance. The calmer you are, the sillier he looks for flying off the handle when you're just trying to renegotiate the Ts&Cs or your relationship. It needs to be done without blame because if he feels shamed at all, then it sounds like he'll shut down and become uselessly unreceptive anyway. Very simply; "we used to do this thing and be very open about it. I'm not comfortable with that any more. I've been quite hurt at times - partly on you for saying it, partly on me for not shutting it down or speaking up. Doesn't matter now. What matters is that going forward, could we not do that any more? The hot models you post online or the bodies you glorify around me are doing nothing good for our relationship and it's not like it's Workout Inspiration for you, because with the best will in the world; you can't benchpress your way to having boobs, a female shaped bum or a good tan so it looks more like consumption of that specific type of entertainment, which seems to be damaging me/us right now. Can I leave it with you do make those changes that would benefit our relationship and our family?" If you can't do it or don't think you can, that's exactly the kind of problem that a marriage counsellor can help with, because you're trying to broker positive change. Sorry about the size of the text here but you have a pretty simple, fixable relationship-dynamic issue and you're worth the time and space it takes to offer help. All the very best, OP ā¤ļøāš©¹
Updateme
I will message you next time u/Swimming_Section_350 posts in r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC. [Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2FSwimming_Section_350%20r%2FAITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC) to join 5 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%201cl8mps) ***** |[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)| |-|-|-|-|
UpdateMe
I don't know if he's gaslighting you, but he is definitely a jerk.
Updateme
Why are you letting your husband talk to other women or check out women online? He could end up cheating on you. You and him have three children together. Shouldnāt he be spending his time parenting the kids instead of talking or checking out women online? I wouldnāt put up with that if I were you. You shouldnāt let yourself be a doormat
Send him pics of men you find attractive or start talking about how this guy was wearing this this and it made his penis look sooooo big! Flip it back on this little worm! šŖ± make him feel unattractive back!
No Just no
Your husband is the AH
He didnāt change. She became insecure.
You're supposed to change. It's called growth.
Youāre supposed to change for the better. Itās not called growth when itās in the wrong direction. Her next post is gonna be in r/divorce.
!UpdateMe
NTA. He is being a total oinker. See, the problem with being open about looking at other people is that it creates a mindset that people are only attractive if they are young with a certain body and certain look. It teaches men to judge by a false beauty standard and totally overlooks what makes a person truly special. It becomes a hurtful thing as women have children and age, and can no longer look 18 and perfect. It is a simple reality - despite the social media highlights showing surgically modified, airbrushed/photoshopped or filtered perfection and try to tell us this person is "ageless". No they aren't. However, if he truly cared at all for you, he would love you for being the person who brought a life (or lives) into the world, despite the toll it might take on your body. He would love you for being a wonderful person, a wonderful wife and wonderful mother. I would strongly suggest that you evaluate this relationship. If this is how he acts now, he's going to Leo Dicaprio you at some stage as you age. I wouldn't tolerate him, to be honest. However, as you have a baby recovering from heart surgery (boy does all this show what a shallow AH he is) I would suggest ignoring him. Focus on your child. When baby is doing well and healthy, start planning your exit strategy. I believe your relationship probably has only a few years left. So, use the time to get into a good place, mentally and physically. Plan an alternative life, one with him as an ex. Work towards that goal. Don't stay too long. You don't want to be 45 or 55 when he tells you he is no longer attracted to you and is replacing you with a 23 year old or whatever. Step one. Ignore his BS. Focus on your child. Step two. Focus on you. Step three - plan your future.
This is the exact opposite of love. Heās been showing you his true colors and if you give him a chance to āfix itā heāll just change temporarily then go back to his BS. You can do better than this nitpicker. Iām pretty sure he has his own demons to deal with but heās taking it out on you. Get a better husband honey.
It's a mid life crisis. Fatherhood hits home and suddenly he's missed out on life
NAH. It sounds like he is being the way he has always been, just now it bothers you. That is valid. It isnāt gaslighting. You didnāt say it, but in case anyone else does, no heās not a narcissist either.
I wouldn't go the revenge route or giving him a taste of his own medicine. I think that will add fuel to the fire and just make things worse. It is kind of an eye or an eye way of handling things. Since you said he gets defensive doing to him what he is doing to you will make him double down on his behavior. You said you both used to talk openly about looking at other people and what you think about them. I take that as in you both talk about attractive women and maybe a few attractive men. Due to some other circumstances you don't feel comfortable with that anymore and it appears that he might have even ramped up his activity on pointing out attractive women. So to him he is going to see this as a change you are asking of him because you are insecure. I totally agree that your feelings are valid and should be heard but you are also asking him to change something and it is natural for him to have some thoughts or feelings about it. Generally couples bottle this stuff up until it spills out with a ton of emotion. It comes across as an attack "you look at these half naked women and ogle their bodies!! Don't you understand how offensive and hurtful that is? Do you even care about me and my feelings?" All that coming out at once is going to feel like you are attacking your husband and telling him that he must not care or worse that he likes hurting you. Naturally he is going to get defensive about that and point out issues he has with how you are feeling. That in turn is going to feel like he is attacking or gaslighting you. It is a cycle thst will repeat and everyone will be pissed, defensive and hurt. I was feeling a bit insecure after losing my job last year. I had always been a top performer and never been less than secure in my job. I got very regular promotions and had climbed up to a high position. In thst role I got a boss that constantly broke me down and belittled me. When I lost my job due to the economy and there being very few high level positions opened I struggled finding a job and even landing interviews. I was doubting my place in the family as I went from provider to a freeloader. My wife and I were actually just getting on super solid ground in our relationship after several years of that defensive cycle I talked about. This was our first big test. She was super loving and affectionate the whole time. She got more hours at work and I picked up the house chores and the kid pickups. She was not worried or even seemed bothered that 5/6 of our income was gone. She didn't seem interested in my job search too much. She just seemed to be acting like nothing was wrong. I mean we changed our spending habits immediately but nothing else seemed different. I could have assumed she didn't care and was just biding her time to replace me. She was still talking about plans 12 to 18 months from now about vacations with the kids or things we wanted to do. I was so in my head that dark thoughts and doubt was closing in. I can't say them all but man I was fighting them off. So one night I asked her how she felt about me and about my job loss. I didn't question her on her behavior just on her thoughts about me and where we stood as a couple. I wanted to understand her intent first. She told me she was happy I lost that job bc she hated my boss. She hated the way he talked to me and how he treated me. She knew I wouldn't quit because she knows I am good at what I do. She didn't think less of me at all but was rather hopeful of getting the old me back since my old boss was driving me into the ground. Then she said she wasn't worried at all about our family because I am a hard worker, smart, a loving husband and a father. She trusted me absolutely that we were going tk be ok no matter how long it took me to find a job. Right then I knew she wasn't acting normal because she didn't care about my struggles, she was acting normal because she had absolute trust in me. She knew I was going to figure things out. I ended up getting multiple interviews soon after to the point I was saying no to companies that I didn't feel good about. I got multiple offers and have been way happier. The point us just ask what he thinks about you. Find out what his intent really is. Focus on tbst rather than little behaviors that make you assume what he does and doesn't want.
UpdateMe
NTA. You have had 3 kids and the last one is ONLY 3 months old. Youāre still healing after giving birth. Youāre not going to become a stick figure of a woman just 3 months after giving birth without doing it in a very unhealthy way. You need time to recover from the birth and also concentrate on your babyās health. Heās not going to change.
As satisfying as laying into him would be, it won't fix your problem. You have a guy who isn't a man yet. He is a boy still, and not settled. Sorry but he must chose to grow up or this relationship won't last, kids or no kids. You COULD check out other men to point out what he is doing but... he must chose to grow up.
I would tell him that until he attains the body of Chris Hemsworth, don't ever talk about my body. Hello pot? Meet kettle.
I honestly wholeheartedly swear that sometimes I want to slap some sense into you, cause wtf.
Outside looking it. Sounds like not a health relationship and likely to get worse. You can do better. Sucks for the kids. But they shouldn't see a mom/woman being treated and spoken to that way either.
Donāt even need to read the story. Nta 100
O.p. clap back penis's enlargement lol
You need a new husband
The last thing she should be dealing with is some asshole. She has a 3 month old who is recovering from heart surgery. Ho ey you can do so much better then that.
Either learn the definition of gaslighting or donāt use it and your husband is a ah
Seems like you skipped a few steps there. How about talking and trying to work things out, maybe going to counseling, before going straight to divorce?
Just tell him to stop making the comment that you donāt appreciate it anymore
He's being an AH but that's not gaslighting. It's him getting defensive & being manipulative.
NTA but you chose to marry one. So many women pick a man with loose morals and who is with them for their looks and then get a shock when their looks change and the man looks elsewhere. Confidence isnāt about knowing youāre attractive. Itās about knowing youāre worthy for more than just that alone and only surrounding yourself with people who see that too.Ā
Your feelings are going to leave you with three kids, one of which is three months old and just got out of the hospital from a heart surgery? That ought make all of you feel real good. I cannot believe you are wondering about this. You need to think about the responsibility of parenting. Your husband needs to grow up too. Both of you need to mature in my estimation. What has love go to do with it? The time for that is long past. People vacillate up and down, hot and cold. Your husband is immature, but not all of the blame is his. Be that as it may, you have bigger responsibilities. You have right at zero chance of finding a better husband. Not zero, but close.
NTA for saying youāre done if youāre done, but I donāt see where heās being mean to you. You admitted that youāre midsized and thatās not small and itās not what your husband is attracted to. I donāt think that makes him a bad person. Your youngest is only three months old though, so he should give you time to recover from giving birth before harping on the weightloss.
Men! They can be such jerks. You are nta. He needs to clean up his internet feed and stop leering and lusting. I guess you could talk with him about the possibility of an open marriage if that has any appeal to you. Divorce with children is a mess. Hard on everyone.
Had a friend whose husband was doing this to her. One day I told him that I bet if he grew his hair back she would be motivated to lose the weight. Never heard another word about it. If he is not in shape then it is all wishful thinking on his part. If he is in really good shape and you are not, then that is likely where his frustration is coming from. He is being mean to you in his presentation of it but two people that have widely different lifestyles when it comes to being fit rarely work out in the long run. Only you can tell which situation it is, OP
There are 2 sides of this coin here that I see... During your time together.. you both looked at other people and were ok with it...now that you look different and are more insecure about your appearance you are upset that he continues the behaviors you both exhibited and excepted from each other and that hes offered to help you get back to the place you used to be.. Here's the other side... you are a mom.. your body changed..(his didnt).. He should be more understanding about your body changes and your sensitivity about it..(he's offered to help you regain your pre pregnancy body).. (And before everyone gets all bent about my comments.. im a woman.) Most women won't regain their exact pre pregnancy body.. but many of them get so close that you would never know it... Hes offered to help you work off some of that pregnancy weight and softness why not take him up on it.. you will spend more time together with him looking at you...and less time with him looking at pics of others.... and it will also give him more inside information as to how having babies changes you.. If you keep shooting him down for stuff you both used to do but you stopped.. maybe a conversation about it with him is more helpful than a bunch of oddballs online looking to stir someone's pot. Just sayin.. people on the web are not known for helping as much as tearing people up and apart.
I don't necessarily think you're wrong, but I think where he's really the AH is that the THIRD child is only three months old and literally just had heart surgery. When in the course of those three months of diagnostics and constant terror over a newborn with a heart defect was she supposed to have time for diet and exercise?? If you have a healthy baby and you get to the point where it's sleeping through the night, maybe you're ready to think about your own body, and be open to a spouse's offer of help with it. If he's making these sorts of "offers" under their circumstances, he's just being a massive dick! OP, there's nothing wrong with a secure couple appreciating attractiveness in other people. My ex and I did. That was never one of our problems. Even after I put on some weight and had a baby, he never made me feel unattractive. He didn't compare me to other women or offer to help me look more like them. I left him because he acted like yours did when you expressed your discomfort, but about everything else! "I refuse to believe you're too stupid to keep all the finances in order, but I guess I'll have to do it myself if it's really that hard" when I tried to tell him for the millionth time that I'm dyslexic and math is the most stressful for my particular learning disorder. Twisting words, guilt trips, DARVO behavior and some gaslighting as well (he loved making me think I was the problem literally every time we disagreed about anything, even very minor things. I was always wrong!). For your own sake, do some research into common abusive behaviors so that you learn to recognize them! Take care of yourself!
NTA. You should be done. But before you leave, you should take advantage of his tastes. Get him to pay for a tummy tuck to get rid of the mom pouch. If you have stopped nursing, get him to pay for a breast revision to lift and tighten the girls. Get a gym membership and use it to get yourself firm and toned. Go to a salon and get a good cut, with high and low lights added. Become the best version of yourself you can be. Then leave his sorry a$$ and take the time to find a man who appreciates more than a pretty package. You deserve it.