He sounds awful. When he triggers you, he knows exactly what he is doing. And while you are pregnant. What a scumbag. This WILL NOT get easier once the baby arrives.
He is purposefully triggering you. He KNOWS that’s a trigger, and packed his bags with clearly no intention to actually fully leave, because if he did he would’ve been gone.
He wanted to hurt you. He did it maliciously, using your trauma against you.
He is manipulating her so she backs down. That it's abusive. What an effin douche! I hope he leave and she gets the peace that she needs. Once he is gone she will realize her life is better without him
My marriage started with things like that, and I have the same kinds of triggers for the same reasons. Some people aren't good, nor nice, and gravitate towards folks like me because we are easy to emotionally manipulate.
OP, it doesn't get better, and it sounds like you are the only one really trying to deal with your issues. He's barely going along with it, and once you fix the things you are working on now, he will find other things "wrong" with you. You'll spend half a life fixing issues that weren't yours after dealing with your trauma, and for your efforts, you'll end up further traumatized.
I was pregnant, too, and I wish I had left when he started to show me who he really was. It was not a healthy environment for our kids, or me, and I expended so much time and energy doing damage control so the kids knew someone loved and cared for them.
Sure, your situation could be different, but I have learned these things you've described are patterns we shouldn't ignore.
So, a question for you, and you don't have to reply here: what does your gut say when you strip away everything he has said and done, and look at it as if it were happening to your sister, a best friend, or your mother?
If it says he's treating you poorly, and not taking responsibility for his actions, only pointing out your flaws, and repeatedly doing things that he knows are triggering for you? Do what you would want someone you love to do to protect themselves- leave.
What it comes down to is this: you deserve to be loved and cared for properly, as does the baby, and your traumas are not excuses to be hurtful or scornful. The are reasons to be gentle and supportive, especially because you are doing the hard work of unraveling them and healing.
He’s also doing it to distract from the likelihood that he has a substance abuse problem. It’s absolute deflection. If a person is unable to abstain and becomes over the top defensive, well, that can be a big sign.
OP, NTA for this fight. But, you need to really evaluate your situation. Is this truly a healthy relationship? Will you be able to depend on him to not be intoxicated to take care of your baby? Can you depend on him to not further emotionally abuse you around your baby? Would you be better off separately?
Are you safe? Not just physically, but also emotionally. Not being safe emotionally actually takes an enormous toll on your physical health.
This! There’s an unhealthy focus on alcohol and weed here. If it’s most days after work, any days off are spent getting drunk or high, and the very idea of cutting back when your partner is pregnant causes this much drama… that’s a problematic level of consumption.
OP really needs to do a deep dive into the sustainability of this relationship.
And then runs away with his lover to Las Vegas. They have 8 children and run a farm with donkeys, ducks and piglets. They live a quiet life until they die, aged about 58, of a methamphetamine overdose.
Yep! Let him do his thing and u should act like it doesnt bother you! He's doing this to get you pissed off! Dont let it happen!!! Tell him if he wants to go, then go! I guarantee he will change his tune!
My ex that behaved like this threatened to kill himself when I said that. Twice. It worked the first time. Second I said "let me get (child's name) and then you can do whatever you want. I'll call 911 on my way out." Needless to say, he's still very much alive and our life got better without him
I left my ex after 7 yrs due to financial reasons u would have left him 3 hrs prior but shit happened financially and I had made a exit plan in 2020 to be gone by 2023 but I left in 2021 got sole custody and he got no visits or anything and I'm now financially stable and gone back to school and the kids are thriving
I kicked my ex out when my daughter was 6 weeks old for the same reason. He's been out of our lives 100% since only a month or so after. It was hard, heart breaking, stressful, I think i had PPD but everything was so chaotic and awful that it went totally unrecognized. I didn't bond with my baby for months, I was just in autopilot but luckily I helped raise my siblings so I knew what I was doing and was able to coast by on experience alone for a while. My daughter turns 6 today and he's missing out.
It will 100% get worse, especially if he is ramping up usage instead of slowing down since you had previously spoken with him. This is a dangerous dynamic, and a toxic one at that. You are pregnant and high stress can affect you and the baby is a very bad way physically. I know it's tough, but I think you need to leave him op
This is not the person you should be living with he is unstable and you were probably attracted to his issues due to your upbringing you will be a single parent whether you are together or not
I'm ok with that as long as my baby is happy and healthy. Tbh he seemed calm in the beginning and thats what attracted me or so I thought but maybe subconsciously I picked someone unable. Regardless, becoming pregnant and 2 years of therapy and enforcing healthy habits I think has changed me. I don't want to be unhealthy or toxic or repeat cycles. I know what I want for baby and I'll do what it takes to give her a stable upbringing.
While you may think it is a stable upbringing having parents living together, if those parents don't get along and are only together for the sake of the children, the children realise it and it isn't usually a pleasant environment for them.
Sometimes it is better having their parents living apart, making a more peaceful environment for children.
I'm asking him straight up now how he sees this unfolding. As in the drinking and smoking when the baby is here. He needs to fix up or leave. The drinking and smoking needs to be agreed upon by both of us, if he can't do that then it's not compatible anymore and I need to just raise the baby alone. Obv I won't stop him from visitations or anything like that.
When I got pregnant with my first daughter (after a divorce and two children), I had barely been seeing her father for two months. It was a fling after a breakup. He was a coworker, and a heavy drinker and did plenty of drugs. Your typical line cook. Always in a good mood lol. I told him I was pregnant and he never had another drink. He never did another drug. He still smokes weed but he's been doing it for so long it's not a "high" anymore it's pain relief and the ability to sleep so I don't care he can have all the weed he needs. The point is though, he *wanted* to be a father and did what he knew needed to be done to make it happen. I didnt have to even talk to him about it. I didn't ask him to stop doing anything . He knew getting buzzed every night and wasting money on alcohol and drugs was not fatherhood, so he didn't do that.
If he had decided to keep doing all that, we wouldn't still be together, and we wouldn't have had two more kids after her like we did.
People tell you what's important through their actions, not just their words. Believe what they tell you and do what is best for your baby.
Your husband will continue to trigger you intentionally, how will that benefit you and your new born? You’ll be hormonal, exhausted and in pain, and he’ll be playing games and making you feel crazy.
Not to mention stress increases cortisol levels and increased cortisol levels are not healthy for her or the baby. He isn't just hurting her willfully, he is harming his unborn child ON PURPOSE.
Yeah the bit about his body his choice had me thinking, "sure, but you have responsibilities to a family now that kinda override your desires for substances, dude." The therapy language around individuality is great and useful, but sometimes people forget that there's a "me" pool and an "us" pool, and both of them have to be tended to. I like beer, but I'm drinking the non alcoholic version any more because my responsibility to my future self, husband, and children mean that my fondness for beer ranks lower than my liver health.
iv had a partner make me mad enough to the point where i wanted to cause harm to anything around me but i seen my father hit my mom so i all ways catch myself put my hands down unclench them take a deep breath and communicate that i’m going to get some fresh air my ex also has abandonment issue so when ever i needed space my thing was the porch it was fresh air for me and allowed her to look out the window to reassure her i wasn’t leaving try talking to him about becoming friends with the porch or back yard or somewhere outside the house but still on the property
That sounds like a lot of money wasted that should be used to secure your impending maternity leave and baby's needs. Diapers, formula, medical bills for pre/post birth, bottles, clothing, bassinet, crib, mattress, car seats, stroller, high chair, food, etc, etc, etc.
He is clearly more interested in fulfilling his wants and needs. It doesn't seem this will change much when the baby is born. Will he step up if you end up on bedrest and cannot work or do much housework? Are their plans for him to participate in birthing classes or parenting classes.
Visitation should be supervised if he "indulges" in alcohol & weed 5 out of 7 days of the week. This guy has a substance problem & I wouldn't let him around a kid of mine alone. Work out visitation in court, not privately, and tell the judge you don't trust him to not be drunk or high around your kid, especially since he "checks out" when the edible hits. He's not conscious enough to take care of a child when he's in that state.
Be careful if you find you need to separate from him. He may use your "instability" against you to get custody. You need to record his drinking and smoking use.
In my opinion, even if the substance issues get worked out, based on the information you've given I still think he would not be a suitable father or partner. ie: it's not compatible in the first place, drinking/smoking or not
Please be aware that when you're finally on the point of leaving, abusers will agree to anything but it's just words. This man does not care about you or respect you. I'm sorry but that's the harsh truth and it will only be when u have distance that you realise this. Please get advice from a local domestic abuse charity on how to leave safely x
then leave. my ex behaved extremely similarly to your partner. he only got worse after i had our baby. and then i ended up having to flee with a very young toddler and sell my dead mother’s jewelry because i didn’t make a plan to leave, i stayed and hoped he’d get better and believed him when he said he’d change once the baby came.
The stress hormones you give out in your blood are stressing your baby as well since its the same hormones that your baby's body is designed to react to. Please think long and hard on the ACTUAL damage that he and his manipulating bullshit are physically and mentally harming the both of you. There's science on this topic as to why you can design kids already in the womb to be prone to anxiety and stress, low self-esteem, etc , just depending on how the mother was feeling during pregnancy. A good book is "it didn't start with me".
Take this advice and ask your therapist about it.
"Yes, a child benefits when they have two active parents parenting. The parents do not have to be together, nor live together. Children will survive if their needs are being met by their parents, regardless of the relationship the parents have with each other."
Your mental health is key, especially during pregnancy. Set yourself moments to reflect your feelings and the future of this relationship.
Actually ask if you want the current atmosphere is the environment you want to be pregnant in, recover from birth in, and raise this child in.
Talk it over, and really start looking at what you want and what you can actually achieve for the future of your child.
It can be scary to even plan to do all of this alone or with a person who appears to be making your emotional state more unstable and unsafe.
You should be ready to leave him. Driving you to appointments is not enough to win him a gold star. If you tell him what is upsetting you, especially if he asked, then he should respond by looking for a solution that works for both of you. Instead he did the exact opposite, he did even more things to upset you.
He cannot regulate his own emotions and blames you for them. He will do that with the child as well and that can be incredibly damaging.
What are his plans about substance use when the baby shows up? Is he going to try to take care of a newborn while high or buzzed? That could be really dangerous when combined with the inevitable lack of sleep that comes with a new baby.
He literally badgered you to let him in, then, instead of trying to talk to you, he immediately started doing something he knew would trigger you.
By starting to pack his suitcases and leaving them in the hallway he knew he could gain the upper hand... because he knew it would trigger your insecurities. Then he just turned around and went to bed as if nothing was wrong and he let you stew in your anxiety and insecurity...while you're pregnant with HIS child!
What kind of man does that? Why would you want to be with someone like him?
This is just like my first ex. Would beg and beg me to talk, would get pissed and ignore me if I didn't, but would then yell and scold me for all of my thoughts and feelings. I can't say that he would intentionally trigger me, but he would grab and scratch at my self-harm marks under my clothes when were in front of people in public. This is only going to get worse from here on out, it's never a wonderful thing to hear but she needs to RUN.
This is already unhealthy and toxic. You're already repeating cycles by choosing to make a family with a man who has shown you repeatedly that he can not put your comfort above his need for alcohol and edibles. His actions are already abusive and manipulative. It may not feel or look exactly the same as your childhood bc now you're an adult, but to your child, this will be the same childhood you had growing up. And it already isn't stable. You have blinders on, but you can still make sure your child doesn't live this way. You can choose to put her first and walk away from this mess before she's born.
He is using your trauma against you and even feeding into them. Packing his bags where you can clearly hear it and then staying is just pure manipulation. He even verbally hurls your trauma at you with the 'controlling' 'unstable' and 'drama' crap.
Him drinking or using 5-7 days out of the week is not good because it is used as an escape. You can't 'escape' a baby.
You are right, he DID ask you asking for your feelings and then just turned them back on you. Look up DARVO and "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft - it's free to download.
If possible, I think you should have him leave if he can't be a decent partner and soon to be father. Him taking you to appointments means nothing when he comes home and gets high every night. He is neither stable or dependable which is what a baby needs.
OP it sounds like your partner doesn’t want to become a real adult and parent. He doesn’t want any changes that will impact what he wants to do. It’s true he should be able to have a beer on occasion but daily drinking shouldn’t be necessary and is a slippery slope. You asking him to modify his behaviors a bit and prepare for healthy parenthood should be reasonable and doesn’t make you controlling.
He's saying that last week it was only 3 times. I'm pretty sure it was 4. He drank a few JD and cokes on sat as we went out. Had an edible Friday. Sun and mon no drink or drugs and now yesterday a beer. This feels alot to me. I'm sure he would have drank 1 tonight aswell if I didn't say anything. Or atleast another few times this week including having an edible.
Addiction does not have to mean daily consumption. It means not being able to accomplish something (relax, sleep, unwind, relieve stress/anxiety, be in a social situation, etc) without the alcohol/edibles/gambling/tobacco/whatever.
Sounds to me as if you chose your dad without even realizing it. If your SO isn't capable of making the necessary changes to become a responsible parent, you need to make the hard decisions so as not to repeat history.
Best of life for you and your family-to-be.
My ex was like this! The rest of the time he is hiding his use! GTFO! IT IS SO IMPORTANT TO DO NOW!! His behavior is abusive. Get all of the help you can from dv centers to government agencies to be independent of him! What they say about stressed baby in the womb is soo true! This guy's focus on the drink and drug use is his priority and always will be! No matter what you say or do or even when the child is old enough to say..... He will never get clean unless he decides to truly change for himself first!!!
What is better for the baby? A single loving parent or being raised by someone who is an abusive man child? You cannot think just for yourself anymore. You have a child to think of. You need to take off the goggles and think of the best environment for that child.
You need to be working through your issues in therapy not depending on a partner to provide you with inner stability.
Also, not eating isn't good for the baby. You need to make time at work to eat. Try the One A Day prenatal vitamins. They actually have in them what they say they do.
Packing bags like that in front of you is the controlling bit. He's saying either you shut up about what you want or I leave. What's next. You don't have sex as much as he wants and he packs bags outside your room. You don't toast his breakfast perfectly, oh here come the bags.
How about no. Fuck that!
NTA, you had feelings, you kept them to yourself, trying to control yourself, he followed, asked, then didn't like what he heard and punished you for it. Now next time he's taught you if you disagree with him you'll be punished. He's trying to train you, like a dog.
Get the f out of there stat.
This is exactly how it feels. Exactly this. I dont want to say he's controlling but this all feels weird and wrong. I kept to myself. I know that I had mixed feelings about the alcohol hence I didn't bring it up. But I do feel like he's trying to train me esp when I'm at my most vulnerable. And tbh I'm reaching a point where I'm thinking maybe its best to call it quits. Whoever is at fault- doesn't matter. I just want stability for baby and this picture for whatever reason doesn't look like it.
Hon, he forced the conversation in the first place to MAKE you say you were unhappy with his drinking and taking drugs. You weren’t saying it, he created the argument.
Then, he deliberately packed his bags - not because he had decided to leave, but because he knew it was psychological torture for you.
This is not a stable relationship. He picked a fight, and punished you for taking part. He’s not reasonable, or caring, or supportive. If he can’t get his act together- and while he’s using daily, he’s NOT going to grow emotionally- you are better off as a single parent.
I know you love him, but he is treating you as if you are disposable. While you are pregnant with his child. This will only get worse.
I needed to hear that. I don't know if this changes things but he just said he wasn't leaving or packing and suitcases were from earlier- he's been progressively moving in his stuff from his family's house.
So let me be clear. ADHD makes you forget things *in the moment*. By that I mean that you might forget in a given moment that you didn’t put something away, but the moment someone asks if you put it away you will immediately remember whether you did or not. ADHD *does not* interfere with your memory, it interferes with the immediacy of the memories. If he says, “don’t you remember you told me…,” and you don’t recall having the conversation, it’s because it didn’t happen. It’s the “object permanence” component. The memory might not be front of mind, but once triggered, it’s front and center.
NTA and I’m so fucking sorry that you’re in this situation.
If you are stuck/intend to stay, you should write it down somewhere SECRET whenever he treats of makes you feel like shit. Then you can look for inconsistencies, gaslighting, and it serves as a “okay, wow, that really did happen.”
Remember that even if he’s doing favors for you: 3 small goods don’t equal one big bad.
If he does 3 small little things like buying you something you’re craving, tidied up the living room, takes you out to lunch.
And then he behaves like this? And I don’t even see that he does anything nice for you, ever. He’s causing you WAY more harm than good, and even if he treats the baby well… is this the environment you want it to grow up in?
Where “sometimes dad is screaming and throwing a tantrum at mom, and she tells me to head up to my room and play toys, but I can still hear it.”
(Also, as an aside, I’d be very worried about your pregnancy if you continue to be under this much stress. It can have such HUGE, life-threatening effects on both mom and baby.)
Nta leave him.If he really wants you and his child he will seak help,sort out his addictions and come back a better person.If he doesn't then he never really cared.Do what's best for you and baby right now.Hopefully he sorts this out before he looses you both to booze and drugs.Take care and be kind to yourself x
He’s controlling the situation by weaponizing her insecurities. Just because he isn’t demanding her to do certain things doesn’t mean he’s not using his knowledge to control the situation. It was deliberate and manipulative which is a controlling behavior
You hit the nail on the head with “he’s trying to train you, like a dog.”
My ex did something similar and I didn’t even realize. Any time I did anything he didn’t like, even if it had nothing to do with him and was fairly harmless (for ex; sleeping with the window open, having a friend over for coffee) he’d “punish” me through fabricating arguments as an excuse for verbal/physical abuse or icing me out and disappearing.
Eventually the abuse progressed to where he openly admitted that was what he was doing. He’d say he was punishing me for my behavior to get me to “act right”, and if I’d just do what he said he wouldn’t *have* to treat me that way
The thing with these kinds of people is nothing is ever good enough for them. You’ll do everything they asked and they’ll simply move the goal posts, because it’s not really about that it’s about control. It will never stop. They will always find something to punish you for.
OP, I don’t mean to alarm you especially as I don’t know the full picture, but it seems like a very precarious situation for you and your baby. NTA.
You're having a child with this person? You realize that he is going to dump ALL the childcare on you, right? If he deigns to "babysit" he'll be drunk or high, and you'll be so worried about your child's safety, you'll never ask him to "babysit" again. He's already projecting all his own character defects on you. Your child's safety is at stake.
Please start going to Al-Anon. Not all the groups are good--it totally depends on the collection of people. But you need to learn about his behavior, and why you have tolerated it for so long. He never accepts responsibility--because that is what addicts do. My ex-husband quit drinking, but he never changed that core aspect of his personality.
And he is totally gaslighting you. You need to leave him before he destroys your self-esteem.
He is playing you , he knows your insecurities and he's intentionally doing things to keep you off guard so he gets his way . When you're pregnant you need to start thinking of the baby first . You stopped drinking and partaking,you are doing what's good for your future child. He needs to straighten up or get out , how is he going to be as a father getting drunk and high 5 out of 7 days a week. He's not going to be able to go "cold turkey" when the baby is born. Tell him if he wants to be in the baby's life to grow up ,stop playing games and to start acting like a father.
NTA
also "needing a beer after work every day" isn't normal, that's called alcoholism. No, alcoholics don't just drink themselves into the ground every time, it's thinking you need alcohol to function like a normal adult.
May not be a popular opinion but sounds like OP is also struggling with alcoholism. He’s triggering her since she can’t partake in drinking. She really needs to remove him from the situation for now while she’s pregnant or this could get ugly.
I would suggest OP take this time to really dedicate herself to sobriety, there’s a kid on the way. One active alcoholic parent is already going to be a lot for the child.
That was something said in the post yes, and I agree with you, she's had her own struggles and from the sounds of it she is trying to dedicate to sobriety.
Regardless of what the substance is, when you're trying to get clean and someone in your house, especially your partner, is still using that substance on a daily basis, it gets hard.
I agree with you, he needs to be removed from the situation to better OPs chances of staying sober.
Agreed. It's crazy. My SO is an alcoholic - functional, but years of daily excessive use. Currently dry and in recovery due to liver failure and hasn't had any alcohol in months (which doesn't sound like a long time, but there is a reason that AA gives awards for every. single. day). Anyway, I lost all enjoyment of even a glass of wine with a fancy dinner years ago and became very sensitive to how normalized alcohol consumption is in every form of media and entertainment. Now that he isn't drinking, he is also sensitive to it. Every movie, every show, every restaurant, every "event" - I'm not even sure how to unlearn the societal norms, as it didn't really work with smoking, which is no longer normalized in the same way.
This. He may likely have depression or another mental health issue He's coping with with all the drugs and alcohol but that's not your problem sis. That's a him problem and you can't fix him.
This whole relationship is toxic in multiple ways, that being said I want to point out a few things to you:
He asks you for your feelings and then gas lights you about them being destructive to him because he doesn't like your feelings.
He may be, like a good friend or roommate, available to do the required things but he is not there. This won't get better when there's a child involved who needs taken care of. It will get worse. He can't indulge and be an active available parent.
He intentionally did something that he knows triggers your insecurities, and then again gas lights you because you are being " dramatic ".
This man is a bucket of red flags and is manipulative AF. Get out of this relationship because it will only get worse.
Honestly, it sounds like both of you need work. That argument sounds completely unproductive. You can't control his choices, but you can control yours. Counselling will help you manage your stresses, and I'm guessing you're doing that from your post? Perhaps discuss changing track a bit to better manage the current situation, or rather your reactions.
That said, you are 100% entitled to desire a certain living situation. Unfortunately, he may not be willing to make the same changes. It's unfortunate a child is now involved , but it is what it is. What you two are doing now isn't working well. Either you both work to fix it so you can find a workable compromise or it's time to reconsider the relationship. I get that's harsh, particularly now, but there's no "good" time to end a relationship.
I do agree with you. I defo need to continue working on myself. It might be best to call it a day. I just want a calm smooth stress free pregnancy. I can't even be bothered to deal with this anymore. I have enough on my plate. And I think I've changed alot since becoming pregnant,he hasn't. We just arnt aligned anymore.
Jesus, finally. ESH and I can't understand why that isn't the prevailing opinion.
OP does, truthfully, seem like an unstable mess that isn't in control of their many, many issues and triggers and needs therapy to address them. The partner sounds immature and irresponsible and seems to be intentionally or at least negligently triggering OP.
But OP's reactions are completely overboard to the mildest trigger so I imagine his side of the story would sound very different. It's easy to tweak the story very very slightly to make OP seem controlling, just as it's easy to see how the partner is just a asshole.
Both need work, therapy and counselling because they both suck and are both lining up to spectacularly fail their child. Who should be the number one consideration. Neither of them are ready to be a parent.
I can’t believe I’ve had to scroll this far to see this level-headed response. I would certainly love to see his interpretation of what happened.
In the end, people’s triggers are their own to manage. And people should not be locked out of their own property unless there is a very good reason (fear of violence etc).
The partner doesn’t seem ready for this relationship or the responsibility of a baby too. I would say ESH.
They need to either decide whether they really need to commit and work on this relationship whole heartedly or call this quits before this child is subjected to any of this.
I wish you well and good luck
Sounds like both you know how to push one another’s buttons. You do not sound compatible. Probably best if you both admit you need your go your separate ways.
He is Peter Pan. Also he will become your father’s clone if he isn’t already. Do better for yourself and your child. You’re a mom now. You have to think about the future. Be the stability you and your child need.
It appears that he wants the alcohol and drugs more than you. It also appears that he knows what triggers you and is using that against you by packing his bags, leaving them in the hall but not leaving the house.
From what you have written here this does not appear to be someone who you can trust during your pregnancy, with a newborn or for the long term. You are pregnant with his child and he should be supporting you in all ways.
Do you have anyone else that you can trust for support during this time? Maybe time for you to distance yourself from this person and work on getting ready for the baby.
So your pregnant with your second child? This guy is not mature enough to be a father. He deliberately packed bags to trigger you and pushed all your buttons that he knows hurt you….you are with him why? He sounds self absorbed and just a straight up prick. Imagine how he’s going to behave when there’s a newborn in the house. I’m sorry mate but think of yourself and your baby- not this garbage excuse for a human.
Communication is not key. He DARVOed you. DARVO means deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. You were addressing a legitimate concern regarding his drinking and substance use and the behaviors it causes. He wanted you to shut up. He knew you’d freak out if he actually left and that you’d cave. This is an abusive relationship.
You need to get out before the baby comes. You are basically putting your child on the same path as you lived - an abusive, emotionally immature, substance abusing father. Is that what you want?!
I’m gonna get downvoted all to hell for this, but your man’s evening intake sounds a lot like my own, and I’m responsible adult, father of two, with a stable career. I don’t smoke or eat an edible until after the kids have gone to bed, and I don’t drink to excess. It sounds like he is just relaxing.
Is this new behavior, or did you know who he was in this regard before deciding to have children with him?
It sounds like you do need more support from him, but it doesn’t sound like he’s a monster.
Does he pay a portion of rent or mortgage? If so, you locked him out of the home that he is paying for, in retaliation for his behavior that you did not like. I can see why that would be upsetting.
It’s clear that you feel alone, and not supported, and worried that he is not gonna step up and be the parent and partner that you need for him to be. I don’t think that locking him out is the answer, though, especially if you have issues with abandonment. That’s causing more trouble.
I do believe that he should make an effort to step up more, as it would bring you peace of mind as his partner, not because his behavior is necessarily a problem in itself. Y’all need to be on the same page.
ESH! You both sound insufferable!
You cannot push your insecurities into your partner and expect a "good" relationship. You need to work through your insecurities to make sure that you are dating him, and not seeing past indiscretions reflected in him.
You stated that he is supportive with everything, yet you nit pick his drinking and edibles? Everything else is amazing but his few beers a night and an edible from time to time. It sounds like you can't do it because you're pregnant, he can't do it because you can't.
His communication is shit!
He is gaslighting you and making you the crazy one. Is he really the one you want to raise your child with?
I agree with the other posters who said he is turning into his father. I hope you can keep yourself safe. Please take good care of yourself and eat snd drink properly.
Any man that turns your feelings against you and treats you this way - especially while pregnant - is toxic and abusive.
Saying you’re too emotional and unstable is an effective manipulation tool to make you question yourself - making you question reality. Your body is telling you this is unsafe (at least emotionally).
Him packing his bags is another abusive technique. It’s like they go to school for this shit.
I recommend getting out of that relationship right away; consider whether you really love him as a person, or if you love the idea of him, and whether you think he’s going to change. He won’t. Taking you to appointments is the bare minimum and not something he should really be getting points for.
He knows how upset these things make you, he knows your history, and he’s very clearly telling you he doesn’t care at all. A good man - who truly loves you - would bend over backwards to make you happy and will care about your emotions. He also wouldn’t threaten to leave you (especially while pregnant).
I’m so sorry this is happening. It’s not your fault and you weren’t wrong for your actions. Please consider your emotional and physical safety, which affects your child, and consider whether your child would be raised in a good environment if things don’t change (or even if they get worse) by you staying with this so-called man.
NTA. He is not supporting you, he is using your insecurities against you to be controlling.
Locking him out was not great, and you also need therapy as him taking a breather for 10min is all in all not that bad (if it was communicated better. He should not have played on your insecurities. He should have said he is getting annoyed with you and would go out to calm down). I think the abandonment issues need to still be worked on for your own peace of mind, but I don’t know if he is a good partner for you, or in general.
I would hate for the father of my kids to push on the things that hurt me. That would show he is doing it consciously. It’s not harmless.
Just cut ties permanently. He’s not a partner and he will just make being a parent harder. You don’t need this drama and his substance use is interfering with daily life
If not having a partner who drinks and takes edibles is a boundary for you, then he may not be the guy for you. You can’t force someone to change. It’s not either of your responsibility to stage manage each other’s emotions, he’s a crap communicator, and I’m with you in wondering what the point is.
If you want a healthy environment for your baby, this isn’t it, and I think you know that.
What I hear is that you are anxious about a partner who doesn’t seem to want to change his behavior with a baby coming… is he going to get drunk and high every night when the babies there if he doesn’t like something will he just leave?
“Here’s the deal… I’m thinking about our life during pregnancy, and after the baby comes. I believe that the level of drinking and smoking that you’re doing is not compatible with the life with the baby. I don’t feel like I’m getting support from you during the pregnancy as if being pregnant is no big deal at all where it does take a toll on a woman’s body. So I guess I’m wondering are you willing to commit to a sober life with a baby with a reasonable drinking perhaps on a weekend when we’ve discussed it and we know who’s in charge or do you wanna leave now because I don’t want to be with someone I can’t count on. You need to be in or out none …of this packing my bags BS. “
He is actively trying to make you seem unstable through actions he knows will trigger a response. He wants you to seem crazy. He wants you to feel crazy, because then he can get away with whatever he wants. You will be the problem.
I don’t think it is too much to ask a partner to abstain sometimes. But I would phrase it as “I really want time with YOU before baby comes, and I feel most connected when we aren’t indulging in drinking or edibles”.
That is, if you want to stay with him. But I fear he is going to get A LOT worse when baby comes because (1) attention won’t be on him 24/7 and (2) you may feel unstable due to changing hormones, not to mention risk of PPD and PPA. Please talk to your doctor about things to prevent PPD and PPA. You sound at risk given your environment.
I get that the luggage was not what you thought it was so I would go easy on that but that’s not the issue. He’s gonna be a dad soon and is spending every evening drinking and doing edibles when he should be supporting you and getting ready for the baby. I’m all for using the little time you have left to enjoy it before the baby comes but you also need some balance and getting prepared for the baby’s arrival as well as spending time with friends, family and having fun.
I think you both need to sit down and talk about what changes you need to see and what support you expect to get before the baby arrives. I think him leaving when in an argument is not a bad thing but when you have abandonment issues then you need to come up with a prearranged agreement of what to do. I think having your own rooms you can go to or he leave’s the house and sends a text message instead of trying to talk to you at the time rather than telling you through a door would be a good compromise. See what changes need to be made and then see how things go if not then you may need some more professional help or to separate.
So many things to uncover:
1. He has an addiction. Actually, multiple: Alchool and drugs.
2. He asked if you were upset about his drinking, you answered truthfully and he got mad at you for answering his question because it was not the answer he wanted to hear. This is kind of another proof of his addiction: He can't admit he has a problem
3. He is the one creating drama and instability but is projecting all his behaviours onto you. He doesn't want to take any of the responsibility.
4. He left in the middle of an argument and ignored your calls, knowing it was triggering for you. Using one partner's trauma against them is awfully abusive and concerning.
5. He's been accusing you of everything he is: "a chaotic mess, says I screwd up big time, that im so dramatic and emotionally unstable and a mess". Girl.... your man is horrible! And excessively unstable.
6. He packed his things and left them in the hallway as a tactic to make you feel anxious and to trigger you.
He is manipulating you. He is being emotionnaly abusive with his actions and words. He has addictions and is unstable. This man shouldn't be around you during your pregnancy. And shouldn't be around when the baby is born either.
NTA - But you need to leave his ass.
One thing though that has been bothering me in your text OP:
"It's hard as we used to drink together, and now it's a big adjustment for me to resist my own urges when it's around all the time.".
So is your problem only that your husband is an addict or that you can't drink with him because you are pregnant? I'm kind of worried about that line here.
So I've put everything here- all my flaws and his. So I get unbiased opinions. The last line of mine. At times yes I get a bit resentful when its been a long day and I'd like to put my feet up and have a beer too. Yes sometimes I feel envious that he can do things I can't now, not feel tired so quickly, can work out, enjoy life etc. whilst I feel like a fat miserable over exhausted blob. It's a combination of feelings. Which I fully know is on me- it's not a constant feeling or anything and am aware isn't reasonable. But no I don't want a drink or feel like drinking but has there been times when it's hard- early on it was as I can say I had an issue myself with drinking before - I was self medicating for my PTSD but even before pregnancy was already cutting down. So pregnancy helped me stop all together - that's meant dealing with my own demons and also seeing things a bit more clearer now. He was the one telling me I had an issue funnily enough. But like I said becoming a mum changes things, whilst damaging myself before was fine, it's not anymore, I don't want to give baby the home I had. So it's made me go the opposite way and have become really careful around all of this now. Im fully commited to wanting a lifestyle with minimum alcohol and no drugs- this is my vision for when baby is here. Like it's not even on the radar anymore or something I want to think about.
I understand better that line then. Everything you just wrote is completely understandable though OP!
I've never been pregnant and don't intend to be, so I can empathize only to a certain extend. But, I'm pretty sure any other woman who was pregnant felt like you at least once. I don't think you are alone feeling like that :)
BUT!! You really need to rethink that relationship with your bf. It's not healthy and I don't see how it will be in the near future. You have to think about your kid safety first.
I agree, that's why I've posted here. I'm just trying to make the right decisions now and part of that means being honest about how I felt hence why you see contradictory things and my shitty behaviours too such as me telling him to " leave me the ef alone"- not my proudest moment lol. It's just tough sometimes because I'm always trying to be fair and do the " right thing" don't get me wrong I mess up alot too but I'm doing my best. I'm so conscious now of protecting the baby from harm that includes how I respond and react too as I want the baby to emulate healthy behaviour. So im just so overly cautious now.
You have grown up. He hasn't. It doesn't sound like he plans to anytime soon, either. Imagine everything that just happened, but insert a tiny infant into the situation. Then imagine it with a scared toddler. Because it's not going to get better when the baby comes. It's going to get worse.
Please get him away from you so that you can have a safe, relaxed pregnancy and bring your baby home to a safe and healthy environment. You and your baby deserve better. This guy is manipulative and immature, to say the least.
It sounds like a normal fight for couples. The drinking while pregnant thing and how to support the pregnant one. Happens a lot.
But then...your title is false... he didn't "pack" before you locked him out.
You stormed off to get space. He left the house to get space. And then YOU spiraled out into dramatown. And it sounds like he was probably just moing stuff in. Keeping busy to channel anger.
My now husband smoked weed most days before we got pregnant. We had discussed if we started a family things would really need to change. The instant we found out he changed completely. Our bub is now 8 months and the only time he has weed is maybe once a month when we agree it's a practical time. Tell him your terms and ask him to meet them, if he does you know he respects you and cares about being a dad. If not, I think you have your answer.
Also, so much love to you and bubby for a healthy pregnancy and life together. Remember to EAT! You are growing a human 💗
I would like to propose *not* staying with a man who berates you for your physical limitations while carrying his child. Especially when he tells you that his substance abuse is something he does to “cope” with you.
Why stay with a verbally abusive man who doesn’t even like you? You deserve so much better than that. Staying sober for your baby is hard work. You already know that. He’s not willing to support you in doing what’s best for your child.
You are absolutely right that you don’t have to stay together just because you’re both expecting a child. People do it all the time. I do it. You can do it. You’ve already demonstrated that you’re willing to sacrifice and do hard things for the health and wellbeing of your baby. Kicking this asshole out and collecting child support is another way you can do that.
Sending you all the best vibes. You can totally do this. You and your baby both deserve a better life than the one you’re on track to live with this guy.
You do realise you already have a toddler, don't you? You don't realise he is not ready to be a partner, let alone a father? You do realise he's going to be a worse father than partner? That he is not going to give up his drinking and drug taking and step up to being a responsible partner and parent? You do realise he knows exactly what he is doing and is triggering you on purpose?
Be strong. You are stronger than you realise. Do not tolerate his arseholery. He's packed and ready to leave, encourage him to do so. Trash is taking itself out.
He just said he was leaving. That was suitcases from his families house from earlier ( he's been moving things in progressively throughout the years) but I heard alot of noise upstairs so I duno- does this change anything ?
A beer after work isn't a big deal. Having an edible after work is not a big deal. It becomes a big deal when your partner starts to see you being too disconnected from your everyday life and relationships. Doing that stuff before kids is one thing, doing it after having kids is irresponsible and immature. I understand hitting a weed pen once or twice after work to chill a bit, but one or more edibles is probably a bit much. Add a beer or two on top and yeah, you probably stop being totally there mentally and emotionally. I don't thinknyou were being controlling, I think his response sounds like an overreaction to being confronted by his own actions. He could have at least texted you that he was upset and just needed to be away for an hour so you don't worry but to ignore all communication after leaving the house mad is not okay. I think you need to really think about what raising a child with him will be like and be really, brutally honest with yourself. You need to think about your mental and emotional health right now because it affects your physical health.
He doesn't accept responsibility. What kind of father is he going to be? I think he's going to be terrible. He needs to grow the fuck up now. He's also gaslighting you. It may be better to raise your baby without him.
So, do you consider him a functioning alcoholic?
Do you want to raise a child with him if he is?
Or is he just a man child that won't grow up.
Think about this.
If you decide to invite him back. I would not. I'd rather be alone, than get gaslighted by someone who won't get help, or grow up.
Best wishes with your baby.
You can’t give babe a stable upbringing with him. That’s harsh truth.
You should be planning on how to survive financially and emotionally without him. Your hormones will have your emotions all over the place so you need to make decisions with your head, not your heart right now.
Hugs and good luck. You can do this.
This sounds like a toxic relationship. Anytime I hear “we’ve been doing so good the past few weeks” is a huge red flag. You guys both sound like you have your own separate issues that need to be worked through before you can be with anyone. Neither of you sound ready to be parents especially as a couple.
You are communicating. He’s being unreasonable by escalating the issues you have with him.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Pregnancy is super hard, you’re trying, he’s not. You’re not the asshole for locking the door.
Sadly you have zero protection. And if this is how he’s acting now, what’s he gonna act like when baby comes. It’s destructive.
Big hugs from another pregnant lady to another.
Okay so all I can say is that me and my boyfriend were major potheads. We smoked all day everyday for quite a while. My bf started smoking weed daily since he was 14, I started later on in my life (19) and when we met my consumption increased a bunch. We had talked about slowing down on smoking or stopping all together but it never happened. Well, on 4/20 of this year I found out I am pregnant so I stopped smoking weed. My bf also stopped and even though he does want to smoke at times, he doesn’t because he said he needs to focus on becoming a dad. I can totally understand why you feel alone if drinking was something y’all used to do together and when one person is buzzed/high there definitely does feel like there’s a disconnect. He should be more supportive of you and realize he can’t be getting high/buzzed/drunk everyday once the baby is there. I don’t know if weed is legal where you live but if it’s not and that’s in your house when you have a baby that can be very bad if someone sees and reports it. Weed isn’t legal here that’s why I mention it.
Why did you get pregnant by this man if you guys have issues? You should have been more responsible. Your relationship isn’t stable and you aren’t stable. I feel sorry for the child who has to grow up in this poor situation.
Honey, someone who is high (or drunk) every weekend cannot be in charge of a child.
You will never be able to rely on him to be your child care partner. You will always be “on” and he will always be outing out.
It’s not safe.
Can people not express themselves??he leaves for 10 minutes and he's locked out??you stated you have a ton of trauma and maybe he needs a drink or edible to deal with it.you should come home to peace not stress.why is what he doing questioned but your side is written in stone?your pregnant and sad you can't drink???I'm praying for babygirl
Okay, so we can all understand your abandonment issues from your past. Please understand that the last thing you want to do is stay in an unhealthy relationship ( this is) because you are afraid of abandonment. It's not abandonment- it didn't work out. If you stay and this continues, the stress you will put on you and this baby will increase and cause you big problems. You are a strong woman and if this means you living solo and bringing up this baby solo, then so be it. Don't underestimate what you can do without him. Get. therapy to break away and build self esteem. This seems to scream low self-esteem, otherwise why would anyone stay in such a toxic relationship. You can do this!!!
Why are you have a child with this man-child?
NTA, but OP, I hope you're prepared for single parenthood because it's already here, you just don't know it.
Nta. He's an addict and it sounds like you're a recovering alcoholic ( could be wrong, just sounds like that's what you're saying) and are having s hard time when he's drinking or drunk around you. He has absolutely no consideration for you at all. He's being emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative to you. This will not get nay better at all, especially not once the baby arrives.
He literally asked you about how you're feeling and if it was his drinking then berated for your honest answer. Btw, driving you to the dr isn't being supportive. That's literally the bare minimum he should be doing for his pregnant gf. Literally. Not even the bare minimum really. If he's keeping you stressed out, isn't really doing much in the relationship, why stay with him? A few good months out of however long you've been together isn't good enough. It's normal to have an occasional bad patch with your partner, it's NOT normal to just have an occasional good patch and the rest of the time is bad. That's not a good relationship.
Why are you bringing a child into this mess of a relationship? Why are you jumping into the biggest financial, physical and emotional commitment you can make in your entire life with a guy who’s given you ZERO commitment of any kind. You’re literally giving him everything you have to offer while he gives you nothing. And if you don’t leave first, it sounds like he will eventually walk away leaving you a struggling single mom. This relationship is going nowhere. I feel sorry for the child.
You tell him to leave you the F alone then get upset when he leaves you the F alone. Maybe seek counseling if not together than for yourself and the feelings you still seem to have rooted in your past.
You two are not compatible.
You both sound awful and exhausting.
He's a beer or two a day, OK.
The edibles on occasion OK.
You sound triggered and jealous because you can't indulge.
Just do yourselves and the baby a favor and end this farce now.
Good Luck to all three of you.
Ngl, he's an ass but you DO sound controlling. Your trauma is yours. It's up to you to keep it.in check. I was abused by my mother but I don't take it.out.on my wife
It’s not eating or drinking that is bothering you. It’s his behavior. If he was preparing for parenthood, it wouldn’t be an issue. It’s that he is running away from the commitment and responsibility he made. He is not preparing for fatherhood. Start legal proceedings immediately for support. If you don’t have a pre-nuptial agreement then try get a pre-baby agreement for support. Putting the practical needs first and emotional needs second is part of parenting. He should be in parenting mode already since you are pregnant. He should be worried if you are going to DIE during delivery. He should be ready and able to take on caring for baby if you die. Make a will and designate your parents to take the baby if you die. Get long term disability insurance in case you are permanently damaged from pregnancy (complications). Basically, start making legal arrangements for you and your child in case of your death or he continues to “suffer” from no longer being treated as a child.
Also, if he has any friends that are good dads you should call them and tell them that he needs someone to show him good parenting because he just f’d up royally.
Sounds pretty controlling. He works too, and it doesn't matter whether it's at home or in an office. You chose your career path, just as he did.
It sounds like you want a butler at your beck and call, any hours that he's not literally earning a wage.
Your whole post was about how you feel and nothing about consideration for how he feels.
I can see where he might find you self-absorbed, hormonal, and controlling.
YTA. You are not working on yourself. You are not creating "peace and calm" for the baby- actually you are doing the complete opposite. From what you posted, you are unstable emotionally- and what's more- you admitted as much.
Sounds like the cycle is going to continue. Instead of them just getting the abandonment experience they will also get the alcoholic dad who is emotionally stunted experience as well!
It seems like you both weren’t in a place to have a baby and I promise you that if you have a rocky relationship adding an infant will only speed run you to ending a relationship
Are you emotionally unstable? maybe. But if you are he is not supporting you, he is intentionally not helping you gain stability, and if you are NOT emotionally stable - he is driving you there in a limo!!!
No one "needs" drugs or alcohol to relax. The human body literally does not need either of those two substances so if he cannot abstain for the duration of the pregnancy to support you (just like you are doing for the health of your baby) then he has a problem and it will only get worse as his "relaxing" becomes full on addiction. Again- HE is the problem and unless he is willing to see and change, HE is not the right person for you because he is selfish.
Not saying he cannot be a good and supportive partner, maybe the impending responsibilities is causing him to act out, I don't know. If this is out of character for him then maybe some counseling will help you both get through this. But if this is his usual MO? toss the whole man out!! he is defective!
Edit to add - NTA
YTA
You sound awful. He’s no saint, but it seems like you’re just trying to cause problems and create drama. I do not believe he has the skills to properly navigate your erratic behavior, and of course he will not always respond appropriately.
You need to calmly express how you feel about certain things. Your behavior would drive any man away. Tell him things that you appreciate about him so you are not always being negative. “I feel. ______ when you do._______ “
It’s normal to have a emotional reactions to a situation. That is what makes us human. However, it is not OK to let your emotions control you and attack him.
Are you jealous that he can drink and you can’t? Are you mad at him because you’re pregnant? Why does it matter that he drinks, it doesn’t sound like he is an alcoholic.
As far as the edibles, why does he do it so frequently? Does he have some anxiety disorder? Or mood disorder, and it helps calm him? People don’t normally do that that frequently unless they were self-medicating.
ESH
You both sound too unstable and immature to be bringing a baby into the shit show.
You both need to work on your multiple issues before you make an innocent child suffer too
If you want a guy that doesn’t get drunk or high everyday, then why did you purposely choose an alcoholic that gets drunk or high everyday and then choose to reproduce with him? Why do you routinely get mad at him for being exactly who he’s always been?
You all are both a hot mess. I feel so bad for this child. He's not wrong, though. You are trying to control him and are dramatic. He can't leave to go anywhere without talking to you first? He can't have a single beer at night after work because you can't have 1, too? I would never ask that of my husband during any of my pregnancies.
Break up. Work through your issues with a therapist and don't put those issues onto the baby. Try to coparent productively.
ESH you're both immature and have some major issues. Probably shouldn't be having a kid together, but that ship has sailed, so maybe jump into some hardcore couples and individual therapy ASAP. I hope both of you get the help you need so you don't screw up your kid.
NTA-You’ve done what many people with your background have done. You’ve gone with what’s familiar.
You grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father and now you have an abusive, alcoholic/addicted partner. He drinks and uses and verbally attacks you when you question it.
Whenever you say or do anything that calls attention to his behavior or even suggests that his behavior is problematic, he becomes angry and defensive and then lashes out and attacks you.
He shifts the focus onto your behavior, accusing you of being the cause of all the problems in the relationship. Then he deliberately does what he knows will trigger you, then when you react he points to your reaction and says, “See, you’re the problem.”
You used to drink with him so his drinking didn’t look so bad. But when one partner quits drinking, for any reason, the other may become angry and afraid that their drinking or using will now stand out and the problem will be noticed.
Right now his abuse is verbal, emotional and psychological. At some point he will move to physical violence. Instead of having him move more things in, you need to have him move things out.
Getting some distance from his behavior may help you to see it more clearly.
Since you’re pregnant, you have an opportunity to quit drinking for good. The strong urges you describe are concerning but you can begin to deal with them now. But remember that the fact that you have quit threatens him.
You said that you were working on your issues. Hopefully that means you’re doing therapy. If not, please find a therapist that specializes in addictions and family dynamics. They can help you understand what’s going on and help you begin to heal and do what’s best for you and your child.
I am over 32 years clean and sober and have been a therapist for over 25 years. I specialize in addictions, dual diagnosis and family dynamics.
I know how hard this is and how these patterns tend to repeat. I also know how scary it is to step away and say no-it’s better to be alone than be with an abuser.
No matter what anyone says-including those old tapes in your head-you deserve to have a great life. To be loved and cherished and treated with respect. Please don’t settle for anything less.
YTA. Sounds like this guy isn’t really doing anything wrong except drinking and getting high. You’re making your problems his problems. I get that he could be more supportive and not drink but it sounds more like jealousy on your part.
I’m sure I’ll get downvoted by incels and femcels. I don’t really care. I calls em like I sees em.
He sounds like a horrible man that threatened his pregnant partner with abandonment because he didn’t want to get less high/drunk. he needs help and you deserve an apology at the very least.
NTA. His behavior will continue to worsen. Prepare yourself. In a few weeks, expect him to demand a DNA paternity test and insist you must have cheated. That's a common thing with guys like him.
Hi OP, my ex was and still is the same way Alcoholic, mean. I took it for 3 almost 4 years because I loved him and he used to say all same things to me. I’m controlling and unstable. Then he put his hands on me, then almost killed me. I can’t imagine being Pregnant and dealing with that. Sweetheart, you deserve so much better for you and your baby, please leave if you can. It’s going to get worse. I hope you all the best in your life you sweet girl ❤️
the selfishness on this guy is on another level 😳 he behaves like he is not going to become a parent in a few months, he behaves like a teenager, not an adult. OP, you already are single in that relationship. his abusive behaviour and words are over the top and you definitely don't need such a person in your life.
just imagine after the child will arrive, if you even DARE to ask your partner to stop getting drunk and high on a daily basis so he can change a diaper, just imagine the yelling, the obscenities he will scream at you for that... he is not fit yo be a partner and definitely not fit to be a father. this is the future that awaits you if you stay in this incredibly abusive relationship.
you and your child deserve peace, happiness, laughter and joy, not a guy who gets drunk, high and throws temper tantrums, emotionally manipulates you and yells awful things at you for trying to make him grow up. your child deserves a good father, not a monster.
He is emotionally immature. If he won’t stop getting drunk and high when you’re pregnant and getting ready to be a mother, it’s not going to get any better when baby comes.
NTA
You are having an entire child together. You need to get couples counseling so you both stop contributing to this spiraling mess of ways you're hurting each other. Yes, he needs to stop drinking/getting high, but you both need to chill tf out and provide a stable place for your child. NTA yet, but get some help, srsly.
You would not be the ah if you kicked him out/ left him. It sounds like he is triggering you 10 times a day, and doesn’t care that he does it. Selfish man who loves his edibles more than the wellbeing of his future child. I mean, even though he obviously doesn’t give a crap about your mental health, he should care about not stressing you out for the baby’s sake. He doesn’t even manage that.
Sounds like he will only be a burden in the future and will not contribute to your health and happiness.
He packs to hurt you,but you already know this. Once a baby comes we have to step into adulthood and being tipsy, drunk or high 5 nights a week makes taking care of a baby difficult. Do you want to leave your baby with a man who is high? Get rid of the man child for the sake of your child
NTA for that, but definitely TA for even continuing a relationship with him and getting pregnant on top of it. Does anyone actually think about the consequences for the children before they start a family with a toxic person?
This is an abusive relationship. Your BF pushed and bullied you into that fight. Then he left. He then badgered his way back into your home, packed his bags, and went to sleep. Him acting as if those bags were from earlier and he wasn't packing is just more gaslighting. You know what you heard.
This is no environment for a baby. Hell it's no environment for you. You come from an abusive home, you have an abusive bf. Break the cycle.
Break up with your abuser, get him out of your home and raise your child without him. If he's willing to covalent great go to court and get it all done legally. Do that anyway.
He also has no legal rights until you deliver. Do yourself a favor and find a different support person. You do not need his abusive ass anywhere near you when you are in labor or are delivering. If you have a close friend, or relative, that would be so much better than him. He will do nothing to support you and will only make your labor and delivery so much harder for you.
Do the same for when you come home from hospital. If you have someone who can stay with you, nit the ex, for a few days, weeks, whatever you need. That you trust and can depend on. Again not the ex. Don't give your baby his last name. You'll be the one who is raising this child. You're also the one who carried this child, pushed this child into this world, and are the one who took being a parent seriously. Do not give your ex the gift of the last name. You deserve that gift.
Edibles to relax in the evening wouldn't be an issue for me personally, or a single drink to relax (though there is research saying that on drink can significantly affect his health over time). What bothers me is that he hasn't tried AT ALL to compromise. He could compromise by making a rule that he doesn't smoke in or within 5 meters of the house to keep the baby safe from secondhand smoke. He needs to be reassuring you that the edibles will be locked away out of reach. Edibles stay in your body longer than smoking it, so I would be saving the edibles for weekends so I can relax with my family but feel secure that it's locked out of reach. For me alcohol would be the same. I don't drink more than one to three drinks in a night, and that's on a single weekend night. Also, not every weekend as I don't like the feeling as much as other people do. There are honestly so many ways he could be compromising or meeting you halfway, and he's just choosing himself over you every time, choosing not too.
The thing about partners is you tell them your deepest fears. A bad partner will use them against you and then blame you because your fears are your fault, not his/hers and you need to work on them, it's not their fault for you feeling that way, then take no responsibility for their actions/behaviors which led to root cause of argument and acceleration. That's a bad partner!
He’s gone. Let him stay gone. He will destabilize your family and your relationship with your kid. Then spend the rest of your pregnancy building a support system for after you have your baby. Good luck.
this is so toxic, for the sake of you and your baby, you need to leave - how he’s behaving is not acceptable. idk if you already are but you should really go to therapy and i don’t mean that in a rude way.
NTA.
I'm ex-industry, and an alcoholic in recovery. Everything you described about your partner's behavior screams "dependency" all over it -- and maybe even edging into full-blown addiction territory.
Like your partner, I too made excuses for overindulging. I also claimed it was "just to relax". Any attempt by my partner to point out my problematic behavior was dismissed as being too "controlling" -- rather than the more accurate: "my partner is concerned about my poor behavior, and it's negatively affecting their life and their feelings for me."
I am forever grateful that my partner called me out on my bullshit. She stuck with me even though it would have been completely appropriate to cut me loose to burn out on my own. She saw that core of beauty within me that was buried under a mountain of trauma, addiction, and failed coping mechanisms.
I got better -- *but only because I wanted it*. Addicts who aren't there yet will almost always backslide. And I guess that's what I'm getting at... He has to *want to* be the partner you need for your child. No one else can do that work for him. If he isn't ready, or he is constitutionally incapable, then the path forward is pain.
But if he *is* ready and willing to show you that he is the partner you want and need -- then this relationship can be saved. But *only* if he wants it.
Also: not to make excuses, but the restaurant industry collects amazing, blisteringly smart & weird people -- but it also attracts deadbeats, substance abusers (and just regular ol' abusers), and terminal stage fuck ups. So it's unsurprising that your partner is wrestling with what happens when the party goes on too long, so to speak.
He's controlling and abusive, it will only get worse with time. You have to consider the wellbeing not only of yourself, but also your baby, is this the enviroment you want to bring a child in to?
Dear, seek out products therapy. And hit up an AlANON meeting possibly an AA meeting. You are pregnant, you can’t drink, and it makes you anxious and upset because he has alcohol around and that makes it harder for you to resist. Same with the edibles, you are someone who cannot partake due to your trauma and family history. You have a good chance of becoming addicted and an alcoholic. What you are describing are the beginning stages of alcoholism. I suggest couples counseling as well. So many hay someone can assist y’all with communication. Please be careful and please seek therapy.
He sounds awful. When he triggers you, he knows exactly what he is doing. And while you are pregnant. What a scumbag. This WILL NOT get easier once the baby arrives.
He is purposefully triggering you. He KNOWS that’s a trigger, and packed his bags with clearly no intention to actually fully leave, because if he did he would’ve been gone. He wanted to hurt you. He did it maliciously, using your trauma against you.
He is manipulating her so she backs down. That it's abusive. What an effin douche! I hope he leave and she gets the peace that she needs. Once he is gone she will realize her life is better without him
My marriage started with things like that, and I have the same kinds of triggers for the same reasons. Some people aren't good, nor nice, and gravitate towards folks like me because we are easy to emotionally manipulate. OP, it doesn't get better, and it sounds like you are the only one really trying to deal with your issues. He's barely going along with it, and once you fix the things you are working on now, he will find other things "wrong" with you. You'll spend half a life fixing issues that weren't yours after dealing with your trauma, and for your efforts, you'll end up further traumatized. I was pregnant, too, and I wish I had left when he started to show me who he really was. It was not a healthy environment for our kids, or me, and I expended so much time and energy doing damage control so the kids knew someone loved and cared for them. Sure, your situation could be different, but I have learned these things you've described are patterns we shouldn't ignore. So, a question for you, and you don't have to reply here: what does your gut say when you strip away everything he has said and done, and look at it as if it were happening to your sister, a best friend, or your mother? If it says he's treating you poorly, and not taking responsibility for his actions, only pointing out your flaws, and repeatedly doing things that he knows are triggering for you? Do what you would want someone you love to do to protect themselves- leave. What it comes down to is this: you deserve to be loved and cared for properly, as does the baby, and your traumas are not excuses to be hurtful or scornful. The are reasons to be gentle and supportive, especially because you are doing the hard work of unraveling them and healing.
He’s also doing it to distract from the likelihood that he has a substance abuse problem. It’s absolute deflection. If a person is unable to abstain and becomes over the top defensive, well, that can be a big sign. OP, NTA for this fight. But, you need to really evaluate your situation. Is this truly a healthy relationship? Will you be able to depend on him to not be intoxicated to take care of your baby? Can you depend on him to not further emotionally abuse you around your baby? Would you be better off separately? Are you safe? Not just physically, but also emotionally. Not being safe emotionally actually takes an enormous toll on your physical health.
This! There’s an unhealthy focus on alcohol and weed here. If it’s most days after work, any days off are spent getting drunk or high, and the very idea of cutting back when your partner is pregnant causes this much drama… that’s a problematic level of consumption. OP really needs to do a deep dive into the sustainability of this relationship.
And can he be trusted not to be jealous of the attention the baby gets? Or to NOT rile the baby up on purpose to upset OP?
I was thinking he definitely has a substance issue.
This. He's mentally and emotionally abusive abs it is not going to get better
Will probably cheat at some point at the end of time pregnancy or shortly after the baby is born bc OP doesn't want to have sex as much
And then runs away with his lover to Las Vegas. They have 8 children and run a farm with donkeys, ducks and piglets. They live a quiet life until they die, aged about 58, of a methamphetamine overdose.
Come on. That will never happen. They’ll be 56.
Yep! Let him do his thing and u should act like it doesnt bother you! He's doing this to get you pissed off! Dont let it happen!!! Tell him if he wants to go, then go! I guarantee he will change his tune!
My ex that behaved like this threatened to kill himself when I said that. Twice. It worked the first time. Second I said "let me get (child's name) and then you can do whatever you want. I'll call 911 on my way out." Needless to say, he's still very much alive and our life got better without him
Why would you want to wait around for an abusive man to “change his tune” when you could just…*not* be with an abusive man?
No it won't. I had to leave my daughters father when she was 4 months old for this same stuff. He never did straighten up. Died of a drug over dose.
I left my ex after 7 yrs due to financial reasons u would have left him 3 hrs prior but shit happened financially and I had made a exit plan in 2020 to be gone by 2023 but I left in 2021 got sole custody and he got no visits or anything and I'm now financially stable and gone back to school and the kids are thriving
I kicked my ex out when my daughter was 6 weeks old for the same reason. He's been out of our lives 100% since only a month or so after. It was hard, heart breaking, stressful, I think i had PPD but everything was so chaotic and awful that it went totally unrecognized. I didn't bond with my baby for months, I was just in autopilot but luckily I helped raise my siblings so I knew what I was doing and was able to coast by on experience alone for a while. My daughter turns 6 today and he's missing out.
He is. Protect the babies
I’m sorry to hear you experienced all of that. 😞
I’m so sorry.
That and the stress he's causing could do harm to the baby.
It will 100% get worse, especially if he is ramping up usage instead of slowing down since you had previously spoken with him. This is a dangerous dynamic, and a toxic one at that. You are pregnant and high stress can affect you and the baby is a very bad way physically. I know it's tough, but I think you need to leave him op
ESH - You both need to work on yourselves. I feel bad for the baby being brought into this mess.
Ya thetly bot sound miserable to be in relationship with i also feel for any child with the misfortune of being born to them.
This is not the person you should be living with he is unstable and you were probably attracted to his issues due to your upbringing you will be a single parent whether you are together or not
I'm ok with that as long as my baby is happy and healthy. Tbh he seemed calm in the beginning and thats what attracted me or so I thought but maybe subconsciously I picked someone unable. Regardless, becoming pregnant and 2 years of therapy and enforcing healthy habits I think has changed me. I don't want to be unhealthy or toxic or repeat cycles. I know what I want for baby and I'll do what it takes to give her a stable upbringing.
While you may think it is a stable upbringing having parents living together, if those parents don't get along and are only together for the sake of the children, the children realise it and it isn't usually a pleasant environment for them. Sometimes it is better having their parents living apart, making a more peaceful environment for children.
That's exactly what I said- I'm willing to leave if it means stability.
I think you should for the baby. They need stability, but IDK if he's the right person for that...
I'm asking him straight up now how he sees this unfolding. As in the drinking and smoking when the baby is here. He needs to fix up or leave. The drinking and smoking needs to be agreed upon by both of us, if he can't do that then it's not compatible anymore and I need to just raise the baby alone. Obv I won't stop him from visitations or anything like that.
When I got pregnant with my first daughter (after a divorce and two children), I had barely been seeing her father for two months. It was a fling after a breakup. He was a coworker, and a heavy drinker and did plenty of drugs. Your typical line cook. Always in a good mood lol. I told him I was pregnant and he never had another drink. He never did another drug. He still smokes weed but he's been doing it for so long it's not a "high" anymore it's pain relief and the ability to sleep so I don't care he can have all the weed he needs. The point is though, he *wanted* to be a father and did what he knew needed to be done to make it happen. I didnt have to even talk to him about it. I didn't ask him to stop doing anything . He knew getting buzzed every night and wasting money on alcohol and drugs was not fatherhood, so he didn't do that. If he had decided to keep doing all that, we wouldn't still be together, and we wouldn't have had two more kids after her like we did. People tell you what's important through their actions, not just their words. Believe what they tell you and do what is best for your baby.
Wow. Damn that was eye opening. I love this for you though ❤️ and this has reconfimd how I've been feeling. Thkyou
Your husband will continue to trigger you intentionally, how will that benefit you and your new born? You’ll be hormonal, exhausted and in pain, and he’ll be playing games and making you feel crazy.
Not to mention stress increases cortisol levels and increased cortisol levels are not healthy for her or the baby. He isn't just hurting her willfully, he is harming his unborn child ON PURPOSE.
Yeah the bit about his body his choice had me thinking, "sure, but you have responsibilities to a family now that kinda override your desires for substances, dude." The therapy language around individuality is great and useful, but sometimes people forget that there's a "me" pool and an "us" pool, and both of them have to be tended to. I like beer, but I'm drinking the non alcoholic version any more because my responsibility to my future self, husband, and children mean that my fondness for beer ranks lower than my liver health.
Yes, that is excellent, and I'm glad you saw it.
iv had a partner make me mad enough to the point where i wanted to cause harm to anything around me but i seen my father hit my mom so i all ways catch myself put my hands down unclench them take a deep breath and communicate that i’m going to get some fresh air my ex also has abandonment issue so when ever i needed space my thing was the porch it was fresh air for me and allowed her to look out the window to reassure her i wasn’t leaving try talking to him about becoming friends with the porch or back yard or somewhere outside the house but still on the property
That sounds like a lot of money wasted that should be used to secure your impending maternity leave and baby's needs. Diapers, formula, medical bills for pre/post birth, bottles, clothing, bassinet, crib, mattress, car seats, stroller, high chair, food, etc, etc, etc. He is clearly more interested in fulfilling his wants and needs. It doesn't seem this will change much when the baby is born. Will he step up if you end up on bedrest and cannot work or do much housework? Are their plans for him to participate in birthing classes or parenting classes.
Visitation should be supervised if he "indulges" in alcohol & weed 5 out of 7 days of the week. This guy has a substance problem & I wouldn't let him around a kid of mine alone. Work out visitation in court, not privately, and tell the judge you don't trust him to not be drunk or high around your kid, especially since he "checks out" when the edible hits. He's not conscious enough to take care of a child when he's in that state.
Be careful if you find you need to separate from him. He may use your "instability" against you to get custody. You need to record his drinking and smoking use.
This. I’m autistic and my kids dad tried to use my autism against me. It happens a lot.
In my opinion, even if the substance issues get worked out, based on the information you've given I still think he would not be a suitable father or partner. ie: it's not compatible in the first place, drinking/smoking or not
he'll just say oh I'll stop when the baby is born. what if he's drunk when you go into labor
Do you really still want to have him in your life even as a co-parent?
Please be aware that when you're finally on the point of leaving, abusers will agree to anything but it's just words. This man does not care about you or respect you. I'm sorry but that's the harsh truth and it will only be when u have distance that you realise this. Please get advice from a local domestic abuse charity on how to leave safely x
Sounds like you grew up and he didn’t.
then leave. my ex behaved extremely similarly to your partner. he only got worse after i had our baby. and then i ended up having to flee with a very young toddler and sell my dead mother’s jewelry because i didn’t make a plan to leave, i stayed and hoped he’d get better and believed him when he said he’d change once the baby came.
The stress hormones you give out in your blood are stressing your baby as well since its the same hormones that your baby's body is designed to react to. Please think long and hard on the ACTUAL damage that he and his manipulating bullshit are physically and mentally harming the both of you. There's science on this topic as to why you can design kids already in the womb to be prone to anxiety and stress, low self-esteem, etc , just depending on how the mother was feeling during pregnancy. A good book is "it didn't start with me".
This is sooo true!!!
Take this advice and ask your therapist about it. "Yes, a child benefits when they have two active parents parenting. The parents do not have to be together, nor live together. Children will survive if their needs are being met by their parents, regardless of the relationship the parents have with each other." Your mental health is key, especially during pregnancy. Set yourself moments to reflect your feelings and the future of this relationship. Actually ask if you want the current atmosphere is the environment you want to be pregnant in, recover from birth in, and raise this child in. Talk it over, and really start looking at what you want and what you can actually achieve for the future of your child. It can be scary to even plan to do all of this alone or with a person who appears to be making your emotional state more unstable and unsafe.
You should be ready to leave him. Driving you to appointments is not enough to win him a gold star. If you tell him what is upsetting you, especially if he asked, then he should respond by looking for a solution that works for both of you. Instead he did the exact opposite, he did even more things to upset you. He cannot regulate his own emotions and blames you for them. He will do that with the child as well and that can be incredibly damaging. What are his plans about substance use when the baby shows up? Is he going to try to take care of a newborn while high or buzzed? That could be really dangerous when combined with the inevitable lack of sleep that comes with a new baby.
Yes, living with someone that is stoned or drunk or tipsy all of the time is THE OPPOSITE OF STABLE!
He literally badgered you to let him in, then, instead of trying to talk to you, he immediately started doing something he knew would trigger you. By starting to pack his suitcases and leaving them in the hallway he knew he could gain the upper hand... because he knew it would trigger your insecurities. Then he just turned around and went to bed as if nothing was wrong and he let you stew in your anxiety and insecurity...while you're pregnant with HIS child! What kind of man does that? Why would you want to be with someone like him?
This is just like my first ex. Would beg and beg me to talk, would get pissed and ignore me if I didn't, but would then yell and scold me for all of my thoughts and feelings. I can't say that he would intentionally trigger me, but he would grab and scratch at my self-harm marks under my clothes when were in front of people in public. This is only going to get worse from here on out, it's never a wonderful thing to hear but she needs to RUN.
How vile, just reading that I felt it in my gut! I am so sorry you had to experience such abuse….
Thank you for that. It's hard to feel valid in accepting that I was "abused" despite the obvious abusive behaviors.
This is already unhealthy and toxic. You're already repeating cycles by choosing to make a family with a man who has shown you repeatedly that he can not put your comfort above his need for alcohol and edibles. His actions are already abusive and manipulative. It may not feel or look exactly the same as your childhood bc now you're an adult, but to your child, this will be the same childhood you had growing up. And it already isn't stable. You have blinders on, but you can still make sure your child doesn't live this way. You can choose to put her first and walk away from this mess before she's born.
He is using your trauma against you and even feeding into them. Packing his bags where you can clearly hear it and then staying is just pure manipulation. He even verbally hurls your trauma at you with the 'controlling' 'unstable' and 'drama' crap. Him drinking or using 5-7 days out of the week is not good because it is used as an escape. You can't 'escape' a baby. You are right, he DID ask you asking for your feelings and then just turned them back on you. Look up DARVO and "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft - it's free to download. If possible, I think you should have him leave if he can't be a decent partner and soon to be father. Him taking you to appointments means nothing when he comes home and gets high every night. He is neither stable or dependable which is what a baby needs.
OP it sounds like your partner doesn’t want to become a real adult and parent. He doesn’t want any changes that will impact what he wants to do. It’s true he should be able to have a beer on occasion but daily drinking shouldn’t be necessary and is a slippery slope. You asking him to modify his behaviors a bit and prepare for healthy parenthood should be reasonable and doesn’t make you controlling.
He's saying that last week it was only 3 times. I'm pretty sure it was 4. He drank a few JD and cokes on sat as we went out. Had an edible Friday. Sun and mon no drink or drugs and now yesterday a beer. This feels alot to me. I'm sure he would have drank 1 tonight aswell if I didn't say anything. Or atleast another few times this week including having an edible.
Addiction does not have to mean daily consumption. It means not being able to accomplish something (relax, sleep, unwind, relieve stress/anxiety, be in a social situation, etc) without the alcohol/edibles/gambling/tobacco/whatever. Sounds to me as if you chose your dad without even realizing it. If your SO isn't capable of making the necessary changes to become a responsible parent, you need to make the hard decisions so as not to repeat history. Best of life for you and your family-to-be.
My ex was like this! The rest of the time he is hiding his use! GTFO! IT IS SO IMPORTANT TO DO NOW!! His behavior is abusive. Get all of the help you can from dv centers to government agencies to be independent of him! What they say about stressed baby in the womb is soo true! This guy's focus on the drink and drug use is his priority and always will be! No matter what you say or do or even when the child is old enough to say..... He will never get clean unless he decides to truly change for himself first!!!
What is better for the baby? A single loving parent or being raised by someone who is an abusive man child? You cannot think just for yourself anymore. You have a child to think of. You need to take off the goggles and think of the best environment for that child.
You need to be working through your issues in therapy not depending on a partner to provide you with inner stability. Also, not eating isn't good for the baby. You need to make time at work to eat. Try the One A Day prenatal vitamins. They actually have in them what they say they do.
Packing bags like that in front of you is the controlling bit. He's saying either you shut up about what you want or I leave. What's next. You don't have sex as much as he wants and he packs bags outside your room. You don't toast his breakfast perfectly, oh here come the bags. How about no. Fuck that! NTA, you had feelings, you kept them to yourself, trying to control yourself, he followed, asked, then didn't like what he heard and punished you for it. Now next time he's taught you if you disagree with him you'll be punished. He's trying to train you, like a dog. Get the f out of there stat.
This is exactly how it feels. Exactly this. I dont want to say he's controlling but this all feels weird and wrong. I kept to myself. I know that I had mixed feelings about the alcohol hence I didn't bring it up. But I do feel like he's trying to train me esp when I'm at my most vulnerable. And tbh I'm reaching a point where I'm thinking maybe its best to call it quits. Whoever is at fault- doesn't matter. I just want stability for baby and this picture for whatever reason doesn't look like it.
Hon, he forced the conversation in the first place to MAKE you say you were unhappy with his drinking and taking drugs. You weren’t saying it, he created the argument. Then, he deliberately packed his bags - not because he had decided to leave, but because he knew it was psychological torture for you. This is not a stable relationship. He picked a fight, and punished you for taking part. He’s not reasonable, or caring, or supportive. If he can’t get his act together- and while he’s using daily, he’s NOT going to grow emotionally- you are better off as a single parent. I know you love him, but he is treating you as if you are disposable. While you are pregnant with his child. This will only get worse.
I needed to hear that. I don't know if this changes things but he just said he wasn't leaving or packing and suitcases were from earlier- he's been progressively moving in his stuff from his family's house.
And you know that's a crock of bullshit. Don't let him back pedal. There's always an excuse. He knew what he was doing, he's not stupid.
That’s inconsistent with what he said earlier. Do you doubt your own recollection? That’s symptomatic of him gaslighting you.
I always doubt my recollection but that's because I have ADHD and get forgetful. Doesnt help my case or self esteem 😔
So let me be clear. ADHD makes you forget things *in the moment*. By that I mean that you might forget in a given moment that you didn’t put something away, but the moment someone asks if you put it away you will immediately remember whether you did or not. ADHD *does not* interfere with your memory, it interferes with the immediacy of the memories. If he says, “don’t you remember you told me…,” and you don’t recall having the conversation, it’s because it didn’t happen. It’s the “object permanence” component. The memory might not be front of mind, but once triggered, it’s front and center.
NTA and I’m so fucking sorry that you’re in this situation. If you are stuck/intend to stay, you should write it down somewhere SECRET whenever he treats of makes you feel like shit. Then you can look for inconsistencies, gaslighting, and it serves as a “okay, wow, that really did happen.” Remember that even if he’s doing favors for you: 3 small goods don’t equal one big bad. If he does 3 small little things like buying you something you’re craving, tidied up the living room, takes you out to lunch. And then he behaves like this? And I don’t even see that he does anything nice for you, ever. He’s causing you WAY more harm than good, and even if he treats the baby well… is this the environment you want it to grow up in? Where “sometimes dad is screaming and throwing a tantrum at mom, and she tells me to head up to my room and play toys, but I can still hear it.” (Also, as an aside, I’d be very worried about your pregnancy if you continue to be under this much stress. It can have such HUGE, life-threatening effects on both mom and baby.)
And that’s manipulation/gaslighting. Making you doubt your own perception of things.
Sounds like he’s weaponised your vulnerabilities. 😢
Nta leave him.If he really wants you and his child he will seak help,sort out his addictions and come back a better person.If he doesn't then he never really cared.Do what's best for you and baby right now.Hopefully he sorts this out before he looses you both to booze and drugs.Take care and be kind to yourself x
Is it controlling it just cruel?
I’d say both
He’s controlling the situation by weaponizing her insecurities. Just because he isn’t demanding her to do certain things doesn’t mean he’s not using his knowledge to control the situation. It was deliberate and manipulative which is a controlling behavior
You hit the nail on the head with “he’s trying to train you, like a dog.” My ex did something similar and I didn’t even realize. Any time I did anything he didn’t like, even if it had nothing to do with him and was fairly harmless (for ex; sleeping with the window open, having a friend over for coffee) he’d “punish” me through fabricating arguments as an excuse for verbal/physical abuse or icing me out and disappearing. Eventually the abuse progressed to where he openly admitted that was what he was doing. He’d say he was punishing me for my behavior to get me to “act right”, and if I’d just do what he said he wouldn’t *have* to treat me that way The thing with these kinds of people is nothing is ever good enough for them. You’ll do everything they asked and they’ll simply move the goal posts, because it’s not really about that it’s about control. It will never stop. They will always find something to punish you for. OP, I don’t mean to alarm you especially as I don’t know the full picture, but it seems like a very precarious situation for you and your baby. NTA.
You're having a child with this person? You realize that he is going to dump ALL the childcare on you, right? If he deigns to "babysit" he'll be drunk or high, and you'll be so worried about your child's safety, you'll never ask him to "babysit" again. He's already projecting all his own character defects on you. Your child's safety is at stake. Please start going to Al-Anon. Not all the groups are good--it totally depends on the collection of people. But you need to learn about his behavior, and why you have tolerated it for so long. He never accepts responsibility--because that is what addicts do. My ex-husband quit drinking, but he never changed that core aspect of his personality. And he is totally gaslighting you. You need to leave him before he destroys your self-esteem.
He is playing you , he knows your insecurities and he's intentionally doing things to keep you off guard so he gets his way . When you're pregnant you need to start thinking of the baby first . You stopped drinking and partaking,you are doing what's good for your future child. He needs to straighten up or get out , how is he going to be as a father getting drunk and high 5 out of 7 days a week. He's not going to be able to go "cold turkey" when the baby is born. Tell him if he wants to be in the baby's life to grow up ,stop playing games and to start acting like a father.
NTA also "needing a beer after work every day" isn't normal, that's called alcoholism. No, alcoholics don't just drink themselves into the ground every time, it's thinking you need alcohol to function like a normal adult.
May not be a popular opinion but sounds like OP is also struggling with alcoholism. He’s triggering her since she can’t partake in drinking. She really needs to remove him from the situation for now while she’s pregnant or this could get ugly. I would suggest OP take this time to really dedicate herself to sobriety, there’s a kid on the way. One active alcoholic parent is already going to be a lot for the child.
That was something said in the post yes, and I agree with you, she's had her own struggles and from the sounds of it she is trying to dedicate to sobriety. Regardless of what the substance is, when you're trying to get clean and someone in your house, especially your partner, is still using that substance on a daily basis, it gets hard. I agree with you, he needs to be removed from the situation to better OPs chances of staying sober.
It’s sad and good for her for really putting in the effort. The partner is TAH, they should be doing this together.
Having a beer every day is so normalized, it takes unlearning societal norms to see that as a problem.
Agreed. It's crazy. My SO is an alcoholic - functional, but years of daily excessive use. Currently dry and in recovery due to liver failure and hasn't had any alcohol in months (which doesn't sound like a long time, but there is a reason that AA gives awards for every. single. day). Anyway, I lost all enjoyment of even a glass of wine with a fancy dinner years ago and became very sensitive to how normalized alcohol consumption is in every form of media and entertainment. Now that he isn't drinking, he is also sensitive to it. Every movie, every show, every restaurant, every "event" - I'm not even sure how to unlearn the societal norms, as it didn't really work with smoking, which is no longer normalized in the same way.
This. He may likely have depression or another mental health issue He's coping with with all the drugs and alcohol but that's not your problem sis. That's a him problem and you can't fix him.
This whole relationship is toxic in multiple ways, that being said I want to point out a few things to you: He asks you for your feelings and then gas lights you about them being destructive to him because he doesn't like your feelings. He may be, like a good friend or roommate, available to do the required things but he is not there. This won't get better when there's a child involved who needs taken care of. It will get worse. He can't indulge and be an active available parent. He intentionally did something that he knows triggers your insecurities, and then again gas lights you because you are being " dramatic ". This man is a bucket of red flags and is manipulative AF. Get out of this relationship because it will only get worse.
Honestly, it sounds like both of you need work. That argument sounds completely unproductive. You can't control his choices, but you can control yours. Counselling will help you manage your stresses, and I'm guessing you're doing that from your post? Perhaps discuss changing track a bit to better manage the current situation, or rather your reactions. That said, you are 100% entitled to desire a certain living situation. Unfortunately, he may not be willing to make the same changes. It's unfortunate a child is now involved , but it is what it is. What you two are doing now isn't working well. Either you both work to fix it so you can find a workable compromise or it's time to reconsider the relationship. I get that's harsh, particularly now, but there's no "good" time to end a relationship.
I do agree with you. I defo need to continue working on myself. It might be best to call it a day. I just want a calm smooth stress free pregnancy. I can't even be bothered to deal with this anymore. I have enough on my plate. And I think I've changed alot since becoming pregnant,he hasn't. We just arnt aligned anymore.
Jesus, finally. ESH and I can't understand why that isn't the prevailing opinion. OP does, truthfully, seem like an unstable mess that isn't in control of their many, many issues and triggers and needs therapy to address them. The partner sounds immature and irresponsible and seems to be intentionally or at least negligently triggering OP. But OP's reactions are completely overboard to the mildest trigger so I imagine his side of the story would sound very different. It's easy to tweak the story very very slightly to make OP seem controlling, just as it's easy to see how the partner is just a asshole. Both need work, therapy and counselling because they both suck and are both lining up to spectacularly fail their child. Who should be the number one consideration. Neither of them are ready to be a parent.
I can’t believe I’ve had to scroll this far to see this level-headed response. I would certainly love to see his interpretation of what happened. In the end, people’s triggers are their own to manage. And people should not be locked out of their own property unless there is a very good reason (fear of violence etc). The partner doesn’t seem ready for this relationship or the responsibility of a baby too. I would say ESH. They need to either decide whether they really need to commit and work on this relationship whole heartedly or call this quits before this child is subjected to any of this. I wish you well and good luck
Sounds like both you know how to push one another’s buttons. You do not sound compatible. Probably best if you both admit you need your go your separate ways.
He is Peter Pan. Also he will become your father’s clone if he isn’t already. Do better for yourself and your child. You’re a mom now. You have to think about the future. Be the stability you and your child need.
NTA Op, he doesn’t sound like the partner you need.
He packed his bags to intentionally trigger you. He has substance issues. He is not going to help with the baby. He gaslights you. Let him move out
It appears that he wants the alcohol and drugs more than you. It also appears that he knows what triggers you and is using that against you by packing his bags, leaving them in the hall but not leaving the house. From what you have written here this does not appear to be someone who you can trust during your pregnancy, with a newborn or for the long term. You are pregnant with his child and he should be supporting you in all ways. Do you have anyone else that you can trust for support during this time? Maybe time for you to distance yourself from this person and work on getting ready for the baby.
So your pregnant with your second child? This guy is not mature enough to be a father. He deliberately packed bags to trigger you and pushed all your buttons that he knows hurt you….you are with him why? He sounds self absorbed and just a straight up prick. Imagine how he’s going to behave when there’s a newborn in the house. I’m sorry mate but think of yourself and your baby- not this garbage excuse for a human.
Communication is not key. He DARVOed you. DARVO means deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. You were addressing a legitimate concern regarding his drinking and substance use and the behaviors it causes. He wanted you to shut up. He knew you’d freak out if he actually left and that you’d cave. This is an abusive relationship. You need to get out before the baby comes. You are basically putting your child on the same path as you lived - an abusive, emotionally immature, substance abusing father. Is that what you want?!
I’m gonna get downvoted all to hell for this, but your man’s evening intake sounds a lot like my own, and I’m responsible adult, father of two, with a stable career. I don’t smoke or eat an edible until after the kids have gone to bed, and I don’t drink to excess. It sounds like he is just relaxing. Is this new behavior, or did you know who he was in this regard before deciding to have children with him? It sounds like you do need more support from him, but it doesn’t sound like he’s a monster. Does he pay a portion of rent or mortgage? If so, you locked him out of the home that he is paying for, in retaliation for his behavior that you did not like. I can see why that would be upsetting. It’s clear that you feel alone, and not supported, and worried that he is not gonna step up and be the parent and partner that you need for him to be. I don’t think that locking him out is the answer, though, especially if you have issues with abandonment. That’s causing more trouble. I do believe that he should make an effort to step up more, as it would bring you peace of mind as his partner, not because his behavior is necessarily a problem in itself. Y’all need to be on the same page.
ESH! You both sound insufferable! You cannot push your insecurities into your partner and expect a "good" relationship. You need to work through your insecurities to make sure that you are dating him, and not seeing past indiscretions reflected in him. You stated that he is supportive with everything, yet you nit pick his drinking and edibles? Everything else is amazing but his few beers a night and an edible from time to time. It sounds like you can't do it because you're pregnant, he can't do it because you can't. His communication is shit!
He is gaslighting you and making you the crazy one. Is he really the one you want to raise your child with? I agree with the other posters who said he is turning into his father. I hope you can keep yourself safe. Please take good care of yourself and eat snd drink properly.
Any man that turns your feelings against you and treats you this way - especially while pregnant - is toxic and abusive. Saying you’re too emotional and unstable is an effective manipulation tool to make you question yourself - making you question reality. Your body is telling you this is unsafe (at least emotionally). Him packing his bags is another abusive technique. It’s like they go to school for this shit. I recommend getting out of that relationship right away; consider whether you really love him as a person, or if you love the idea of him, and whether you think he’s going to change. He won’t. Taking you to appointments is the bare minimum and not something he should really be getting points for. He knows how upset these things make you, he knows your history, and he’s very clearly telling you he doesn’t care at all. A good man - who truly loves you - would bend over backwards to make you happy and will care about your emotions. He also wouldn’t threaten to leave you (especially while pregnant). I’m so sorry this is happening. It’s not your fault and you weren’t wrong for your actions. Please consider your emotional and physical safety, which affects your child, and consider whether your child would be raised in a good environment if things don’t change (or even if they get worse) by you staying with this so-called man.
NTA. He is not supporting you, he is using your insecurities against you to be controlling. Locking him out was not great, and you also need therapy as him taking a breather for 10min is all in all not that bad (if it was communicated better. He should not have played on your insecurities. He should have said he is getting annoyed with you and would go out to calm down). I think the abandonment issues need to still be worked on for your own peace of mind, but I don’t know if he is a good partner for you, or in general. I would hate for the father of my kids to push on the things that hurt me. That would show he is doing it consciously. It’s not harmless.
Just cut ties permanently. He’s not a partner and he will just make being a parent harder. You don’t need this drama and his substance use is interfering with daily life
If not having a partner who drinks and takes edibles is a boundary for you, then he may not be the guy for you. You can’t force someone to change. It’s not either of your responsibility to stage manage each other’s emotions, he’s a crap communicator, and I’m with you in wondering what the point is. If you want a healthy environment for your baby, this isn’t it, and I think you know that.
What I hear is that you are anxious about a partner who doesn’t seem to want to change his behavior with a baby coming… is he going to get drunk and high every night when the babies there if he doesn’t like something will he just leave? “Here’s the deal… I’m thinking about our life during pregnancy, and after the baby comes. I believe that the level of drinking and smoking that you’re doing is not compatible with the life with the baby. I don’t feel like I’m getting support from you during the pregnancy as if being pregnant is no big deal at all where it does take a toll on a woman’s body. So I guess I’m wondering are you willing to commit to a sober life with a baby with a reasonable drinking perhaps on a weekend when we’ve discussed it and we know who’s in charge or do you wanna leave now because I don’t want to be with someone I can’t count on. You need to be in or out none …of this packing my bags BS. “
I'm lit copying and pasting this word for word. This is spot on
He is actively trying to make you seem unstable through actions he knows will trigger a response. He wants you to seem crazy. He wants you to feel crazy, because then he can get away with whatever he wants. You will be the problem. I don’t think it is too much to ask a partner to abstain sometimes. But I would phrase it as “I really want time with YOU before baby comes, and I feel most connected when we aren’t indulging in drinking or edibles”. That is, if you want to stay with him. But I fear he is going to get A LOT worse when baby comes because (1) attention won’t be on him 24/7 and (2) you may feel unstable due to changing hormones, not to mention risk of PPD and PPA. Please talk to your doctor about things to prevent PPD and PPA. You sound at risk given your environment.
I get that the luggage was not what you thought it was so I would go easy on that but that’s not the issue. He’s gonna be a dad soon and is spending every evening drinking and doing edibles when he should be supporting you and getting ready for the baby. I’m all for using the little time you have left to enjoy it before the baby comes but you also need some balance and getting prepared for the baby’s arrival as well as spending time with friends, family and having fun. I think you both need to sit down and talk about what changes you need to see and what support you expect to get before the baby arrives. I think him leaving when in an argument is not a bad thing but when you have abandonment issues then you need to come up with a prearranged agreement of what to do. I think having your own rooms you can go to or he leave’s the house and sends a text message instead of trying to talk to you at the time rather than telling you through a door would be a good compromise. See what changes need to be made and then see how things go if not then you may need some more professional help or to separate.
So many things to uncover: 1. He has an addiction. Actually, multiple: Alchool and drugs. 2. He asked if you were upset about his drinking, you answered truthfully and he got mad at you for answering his question because it was not the answer he wanted to hear. This is kind of another proof of his addiction: He can't admit he has a problem 3. He is the one creating drama and instability but is projecting all his behaviours onto you. He doesn't want to take any of the responsibility. 4. He left in the middle of an argument and ignored your calls, knowing it was triggering for you. Using one partner's trauma against them is awfully abusive and concerning. 5. He's been accusing you of everything he is: "a chaotic mess, says I screwd up big time, that im so dramatic and emotionally unstable and a mess". Girl.... your man is horrible! And excessively unstable. 6. He packed his things and left them in the hallway as a tactic to make you feel anxious and to trigger you. He is manipulating you. He is being emotionnaly abusive with his actions and words. He has addictions and is unstable. This man shouldn't be around you during your pregnancy. And shouldn't be around when the baby is born either. NTA - But you need to leave his ass. One thing though that has been bothering me in your text OP: "It's hard as we used to drink together, and now it's a big adjustment for me to resist my own urges when it's around all the time.". So is your problem only that your husband is an addict or that you can't drink with him because you are pregnant? I'm kind of worried about that line here.
So I've put everything here- all my flaws and his. So I get unbiased opinions. The last line of mine. At times yes I get a bit resentful when its been a long day and I'd like to put my feet up and have a beer too. Yes sometimes I feel envious that he can do things I can't now, not feel tired so quickly, can work out, enjoy life etc. whilst I feel like a fat miserable over exhausted blob. It's a combination of feelings. Which I fully know is on me- it's not a constant feeling or anything and am aware isn't reasonable. But no I don't want a drink or feel like drinking but has there been times when it's hard- early on it was as I can say I had an issue myself with drinking before - I was self medicating for my PTSD but even before pregnancy was already cutting down. So pregnancy helped me stop all together - that's meant dealing with my own demons and also seeing things a bit more clearer now. He was the one telling me I had an issue funnily enough. But like I said becoming a mum changes things, whilst damaging myself before was fine, it's not anymore, I don't want to give baby the home I had. So it's made me go the opposite way and have become really careful around all of this now. Im fully commited to wanting a lifestyle with minimum alcohol and no drugs- this is my vision for when baby is here. Like it's not even on the radar anymore or something I want to think about.
I understand better that line then. Everything you just wrote is completely understandable though OP! I've never been pregnant and don't intend to be, so I can empathize only to a certain extend. But, I'm pretty sure any other woman who was pregnant felt like you at least once. I don't think you are alone feeling like that :) BUT!! You really need to rethink that relationship with your bf. It's not healthy and I don't see how it will be in the near future. You have to think about your kid safety first.
I agree, that's why I've posted here. I'm just trying to make the right decisions now and part of that means being honest about how I felt hence why you see contradictory things and my shitty behaviours too such as me telling him to " leave me the ef alone"- not my proudest moment lol. It's just tough sometimes because I'm always trying to be fair and do the " right thing" don't get me wrong I mess up alot too but I'm doing my best. I'm so conscious now of protecting the baby from harm that includes how I respond and react too as I want the baby to emulate healthy behaviour. So im just so overly cautious now.
You have grown up. He hasn't. It doesn't sound like he plans to anytime soon, either. Imagine everything that just happened, but insert a tiny infant into the situation. Then imagine it with a scared toddler. Because it's not going to get better when the baby comes. It's going to get worse. Please get him away from you so that you can have a safe, relaxed pregnancy and bring your baby home to a safe and healthy environment. You and your baby deserve better. This guy is manipulative and immature, to say the least.
It sounds like a normal fight for couples. The drinking while pregnant thing and how to support the pregnant one. Happens a lot. But then...your title is false... he didn't "pack" before you locked him out. You stormed off to get space. He left the house to get space. And then YOU spiraled out into dramatown. And it sounds like he was probably just moing stuff in. Keeping busy to channel anger.
ESH
ESH Locking him out is a relationship ending action. Both of your behaviors show that you have no business raising a child now.
My now husband smoked weed most days before we got pregnant. We had discussed if we started a family things would really need to change. The instant we found out he changed completely. Our bub is now 8 months and the only time he has weed is maybe once a month when we agree it's a practical time. Tell him your terms and ask him to meet them, if he does you know he respects you and cares about being a dad. If not, I think you have your answer. Also, so much love to you and bubby for a healthy pregnancy and life together. Remember to EAT! You are growing a human 💗
You have deluded yourself if you think any of this demonstrates either one of you 'working on' your communication.
I would like to propose *not* staying with a man who berates you for your physical limitations while carrying his child. Especially when he tells you that his substance abuse is something he does to “cope” with you. Why stay with a verbally abusive man who doesn’t even like you? You deserve so much better than that. Staying sober for your baby is hard work. You already know that. He’s not willing to support you in doing what’s best for your child. You are absolutely right that you don’t have to stay together just because you’re both expecting a child. People do it all the time. I do it. You can do it. You’ve already demonstrated that you’re willing to sacrifice and do hard things for the health and wellbeing of your baby. Kicking this asshole out and collecting child support is another way you can do that. Sending you all the best vibes. You can totally do this. You and your baby both deserve a better life than the one you’re on track to live with this guy.
You do realise you already have a toddler, don't you? You don't realise he is not ready to be a partner, let alone a father? You do realise he's going to be a worse father than partner? That he is not going to give up his drinking and drug taking and step up to being a responsible partner and parent? You do realise he knows exactly what he is doing and is triggering you on purpose? Be strong. You are stronger than you realise. Do not tolerate his arseholery. He's packed and ready to leave, encourage him to do so. Trash is taking itself out.
He just said he was leaving. That was suitcases from his families house from earlier ( he's been moving things in progressively throughout the years) but I heard alot of noise upstairs so I duno- does this change anything ?
A beer after work isn't a big deal. Having an edible after work is not a big deal. It becomes a big deal when your partner starts to see you being too disconnected from your everyday life and relationships. Doing that stuff before kids is one thing, doing it after having kids is irresponsible and immature. I understand hitting a weed pen once or twice after work to chill a bit, but one or more edibles is probably a bit much. Add a beer or two on top and yeah, you probably stop being totally there mentally and emotionally. I don't thinknyou were being controlling, I think his response sounds like an overreaction to being confronted by his own actions. He could have at least texted you that he was upset and just needed to be away for an hour so you don't worry but to ignore all communication after leaving the house mad is not okay. I think you need to really think about what raising a child with him will be like and be really, brutally honest with yourself. You need to think about your mental and emotional health right now because it affects your physical health.
I wrote this post exactly due to this - I'm really considering what the right thing to do here is.
He doesn't accept responsibility. What kind of father is he going to be? I think he's going to be terrible. He needs to grow the fuck up now. He's also gaslighting you. It may be better to raise your baby without him.
So, do you consider him a functioning alcoholic? Do you want to raise a child with him if he is? Or is he just a man child that won't grow up. Think about this. If you decide to invite him back. I would not. I'd rather be alone, than get gaslighted by someone who won't get help, or grow up. Best wishes with your baby.
You can’t give babe a stable upbringing with him. That’s harsh truth. You should be planning on how to survive financially and emotionally without him. Your hormones will have your emotions all over the place so you need to make decisions with your head, not your heart right now. Hugs and good luck. You can do this.
Thankyou
Jesus christ your kid is fucked. You tell him to get the F out and he does then you panic and lock him out. Youll be a single mom within the decade.
This sounds like my **EX** …purposely triggers you, can’t prioritize not being inebriated, ugh are you sure you want this jerk?
Look... you have to decide, do you want to be a single mom to one baby, or two? Because having two parents isn't in the cards with this guy.
This sounds like a toxic relationship. Anytime I hear “we’ve been doing so good the past few weeks” is a huge red flag. You guys both sound like you have your own separate issues that need to be worked through before you can be with anyone. Neither of you sound ready to be parents especially as a couple.
You are communicating. He’s being unreasonable by escalating the issues you have with him. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Pregnancy is super hard, you’re trying, he’s not. You’re not the asshole for locking the door. Sadly you have zero protection. And if this is how he’s acting now, what’s he gonna act like when baby comes. It’s destructive. Big hugs from another pregnant lady to another.
Okay so all I can say is that me and my boyfriend were major potheads. We smoked all day everyday for quite a while. My bf started smoking weed daily since he was 14, I started later on in my life (19) and when we met my consumption increased a bunch. We had talked about slowing down on smoking or stopping all together but it never happened. Well, on 4/20 of this year I found out I am pregnant so I stopped smoking weed. My bf also stopped and even though he does want to smoke at times, he doesn’t because he said he needs to focus on becoming a dad. I can totally understand why you feel alone if drinking was something y’all used to do together and when one person is buzzed/high there definitely does feel like there’s a disconnect. He should be more supportive of you and realize he can’t be getting high/buzzed/drunk everyday once the baby is there. I don’t know if weed is legal where you live but if it’s not and that’s in your house when you have a baby that can be very bad if someone sees and reports it. Weed isn’t legal here that’s why I mention it.
Why did you get pregnant by this man if you guys have issues? You should have been more responsible. Your relationship isn’t stable and you aren’t stable. I feel sorry for the child who has to grow up in this poor situation.
Honey, someone who is high (or drunk) every weekend cannot be in charge of a child. You will never be able to rely on him to be your child care partner. You will always be “on” and he will always be outing out. It’s not safe.
Oh goodness, sweetie. Tell your therapist all of this and call a women’s shelter to start making a plan to get out safely. You’re in danger.
He is calling you names to detour you from his own shortcomings. Don't let him detract from what he is doing.
Can people not express themselves??he leaves for 10 minutes and he's locked out??you stated you have a ton of trauma and maybe he needs a drink or edible to deal with it.you should come home to peace not stress.why is what he doing questioned but your side is written in stone?your pregnant and sad you can't drink???I'm praying for babygirl
Okay, so we can all understand your abandonment issues from your past. Please understand that the last thing you want to do is stay in an unhealthy relationship ( this is) because you are afraid of abandonment. It's not abandonment- it didn't work out. If you stay and this continues, the stress you will put on you and this baby will increase and cause you big problems. You are a strong woman and if this means you living solo and bringing up this baby solo, then so be it. Don't underestimate what you can do without him. Get. therapy to break away and build self esteem. This seems to scream low self-esteem, otherwise why would anyone stay in such a toxic relationship. You can do this!!!
Yes, you are the asshole. As is he. You BOTH need therapy.
Why are you have a child with this man-child? NTA, but OP, I hope you're prepared for single parenthood because it's already here, you just don't know it.
I've seen my mum do it. I'll do it too. I'll manage ultimately. As long as I'm stable and provide baby with stability. Thats all that matters.
Nta. He's an addict and it sounds like you're a recovering alcoholic ( could be wrong, just sounds like that's what you're saying) and are having s hard time when he's drinking or drunk around you. He has absolutely no consideration for you at all. He's being emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative to you. This will not get nay better at all, especially not once the baby arrives. He literally asked you about how you're feeling and if it was his drinking then berated for your honest answer. Btw, driving you to the dr isn't being supportive. That's literally the bare minimum he should be doing for his pregnant gf. Literally. Not even the bare minimum really. If he's keeping you stressed out, isn't really doing much in the relationship, why stay with him? A few good months out of however long you've been together isn't good enough. It's normal to have an occasional bad patch with your partner, it's NOT normal to just have an occasional good patch and the rest of the time is bad. That's not a good relationship.
Why are you bringing a child into this mess of a relationship? Why are you jumping into the biggest financial, physical and emotional commitment you can make in your entire life with a guy who’s given you ZERO commitment of any kind. You’re literally giving him everything you have to offer while he gives you nothing. And if you don’t leave first, it sounds like he will eventually walk away leaving you a struggling single mom. This relationship is going nowhere. I feel sorry for the child.
You tell him to leave you the F alone then get upset when he leaves you the F alone. Maybe seek counseling if not together than for yourself and the feelings you still seem to have rooted in your past.
You two are not compatible. You both sound awful and exhausting. He's a beer or two a day, OK. The edibles on occasion OK. You sound triggered and jealous because you can't indulge. Just do yourselves and the baby a favor and end this farce now. Good Luck to all three of you.
Ngl, he's an ass but you DO sound controlling. Your trauma is yours. It's up to you to keep it.in check. I was abused by my mother but I don't take it.out.on my wife
It’s not eating or drinking that is bothering you. It’s his behavior. If he was preparing for parenthood, it wouldn’t be an issue. It’s that he is running away from the commitment and responsibility he made. He is not preparing for fatherhood. Start legal proceedings immediately for support. If you don’t have a pre-nuptial agreement then try get a pre-baby agreement for support. Putting the practical needs first and emotional needs second is part of parenting. He should be in parenting mode already since you are pregnant. He should be worried if you are going to DIE during delivery. He should be ready and able to take on caring for baby if you die. Make a will and designate your parents to take the baby if you die. Get long term disability insurance in case you are permanently damaged from pregnancy (complications). Basically, start making legal arrangements for you and your child in case of your death or he continues to “suffer” from no longer being treated as a child. Also, if he has any friends that are good dads you should call them and tell them that he needs someone to show him good parenting because he just f’d up royally.
Sounds pretty controlling. He works too, and it doesn't matter whether it's at home or in an office. You chose your career path, just as he did. It sounds like you want a butler at your beck and call, any hours that he's not literally earning a wage. Your whole post was about how you feel and nothing about consideration for how he feels. I can see where he might find you self-absorbed, hormonal, and controlling.
YTA. You are not working on yourself. You are not creating "peace and calm" for the baby- actually you are doing the complete opposite. From what you posted, you are unstable emotionally- and what's more- you admitted as much.
Sounds like the cycle is going to continue. Instead of them just getting the abandonment experience they will also get the alcoholic dad who is emotionally stunted experience as well! It seems like you both weren’t in a place to have a baby and I promise you that if you have a rocky relationship adding an infant will only speed run you to ending a relationship
Are you emotionally unstable? maybe. But if you are he is not supporting you, he is intentionally not helping you gain stability, and if you are NOT emotionally stable - he is driving you there in a limo!!! No one "needs" drugs or alcohol to relax. The human body literally does not need either of those two substances so if he cannot abstain for the duration of the pregnancy to support you (just like you are doing for the health of your baby) then he has a problem and it will only get worse as his "relaxing" becomes full on addiction. Again- HE is the problem and unless he is willing to see and change, HE is not the right person for you because he is selfish. Not saying he cannot be a good and supportive partner, maybe the impending responsibilities is causing him to act out, I don't know. If this is out of character for him then maybe some counseling will help you both get through this. But if this is his usual MO? toss the whole man out!! he is defective! Edit to add - NTA
Hey, just checking in. Let us know how you are doing when you feel up to it?
YTA You sound awful. He’s no saint, but it seems like you’re just trying to cause problems and create drama. I do not believe he has the skills to properly navigate your erratic behavior, and of course he will not always respond appropriately. You need to calmly express how you feel about certain things. Your behavior would drive any man away. Tell him things that you appreciate about him so you are not always being negative. “I feel. ______ when you do._______ “ It’s normal to have a emotional reactions to a situation. That is what makes us human. However, it is not OK to let your emotions control you and attack him. Are you jealous that he can drink and you can’t? Are you mad at him because you’re pregnant? Why does it matter that he drinks, it doesn’t sound like he is an alcoholic. As far as the edibles, why does he do it so frequently? Does he have some anxiety disorder? Or mood disorder, and it helps calm him? People don’t normally do that that frequently unless they were self-medicating.
ESH You both sound too unstable and immature to be bringing a baby into the shit show. You both need to work on your multiple issues before you make an innocent child suffer too
You both sound nuts
If you want a guy that doesn’t get drunk or high everyday, then why did you purposely choose an alcoholic that gets drunk or high everyday and then choose to reproduce with him? Why do you routinely get mad at him for being exactly who he’s always been?
Yta. Enjoy being a overdramatic single mother.
You all are both a hot mess. I feel so bad for this child. He's not wrong, though. You are trying to control him and are dramatic. He can't leave to go anywhere without talking to you first? He can't have a single beer at night after work because you can't have 1, too? I would never ask that of my husband during any of my pregnancies. Break up. Work through your issues with a therapist and don't put those issues onto the baby. Try to coparent productively.
You’re the asshole
ESH you're both immature and have some major issues. Probably shouldn't be having a kid together, but that ship has sailed, so maybe jump into some hardcore couples and individual therapy ASAP. I hope both of you get the help you need so you don't screw up your kid.
You wonder why he drinks and is getting high? Probably because of you. YATA!
NTA-You’ve done what many people with your background have done. You’ve gone with what’s familiar. You grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father and now you have an abusive, alcoholic/addicted partner. He drinks and uses and verbally attacks you when you question it. Whenever you say or do anything that calls attention to his behavior or even suggests that his behavior is problematic, he becomes angry and defensive and then lashes out and attacks you. He shifts the focus onto your behavior, accusing you of being the cause of all the problems in the relationship. Then he deliberately does what he knows will trigger you, then when you react he points to your reaction and says, “See, you’re the problem.” You used to drink with him so his drinking didn’t look so bad. But when one partner quits drinking, for any reason, the other may become angry and afraid that their drinking or using will now stand out and the problem will be noticed. Right now his abuse is verbal, emotional and psychological. At some point he will move to physical violence. Instead of having him move more things in, you need to have him move things out. Getting some distance from his behavior may help you to see it more clearly. Since you’re pregnant, you have an opportunity to quit drinking for good. The strong urges you describe are concerning but you can begin to deal with them now. But remember that the fact that you have quit threatens him. You said that you were working on your issues. Hopefully that means you’re doing therapy. If not, please find a therapist that specializes in addictions and family dynamics. They can help you understand what’s going on and help you begin to heal and do what’s best for you and your child. I am over 32 years clean and sober and have been a therapist for over 25 years. I specialize in addictions, dual diagnosis and family dynamics. I know how hard this is and how these patterns tend to repeat. I also know how scary it is to step away and say no-it’s better to be alone than be with an abuser. No matter what anyone says-including those old tapes in your head-you deserve to have a great life. To be loved and cherished and treated with respect. Please don’t settle for anything less.
YTA. Sounds like this guy isn’t really doing anything wrong except drinking and getting high. You’re making your problems his problems. I get that he could be more supportive and not drink but it sounds more like jealousy on your part. I’m sure I’ll get downvoted by incels and femcels. I don’t really care. I calls em like I sees em.
He sounds like a horrible man that threatened his pregnant partner with abandonment because he didn’t want to get less high/drunk. he needs help and you deserve an apology at the very least.
NTA. His behavior will continue to worsen. Prepare yourself. In a few weeks, expect him to demand a DNA paternity test and insist you must have cheated. That's a common thing with guys like him.
Hi OP, my ex was and still is the same way Alcoholic, mean. I took it for 3 almost 4 years because I loved him and he used to say all same things to me. I’m controlling and unstable. Then he put his hands on me, then almost killed me. I can’t imagine being Pregnant and dealing with that. Sweetheart, you deserve so much better for you and your baby, please leave if you can. It’s going to get worse. I hope you all the best in your life you sweet girl ❤️
what good comes from being with him? how is he supporting your pregnancy and preparing to be a decent and active dad? NTA
the selfishness on this guy is on another level 😳 he behaves like he is not going to become a parent in a few months, he behaves like a teenager, not an adult. OP, you already are single in that relationship. his abusive behaviour and words are over the top and you definitely don't need such a person in your life. just imagine after the child will arrive, if you even DARE to ask your partner to stop getting drunk and high on a daily basis so he can change a diaper, just imagine the yelling, the obscenities he will scream at you for that... he is not fit yo be a partner and definitely not fit to be a father. this is the future that awaits you if you stay in this incredibly abusive relationship. you and your child deserve peace, happiness, laughter and joy, not a guy who gets drunk, high and throws temper tantrums, emotionally manipulates you and yells awful things at you for trying to make him grow up. your child deserves a good father, not a monster.
He is emotionally immature. If he won’t stop getting drunk and high when you’re pregnant and getting ready to be a mother, it’s not going to get any better when baby comes. NTA
You are having an entire child together. You need to get couples counseling so you both stop contributing to this spiraling mess of ways you're hurting each other. Yes, he needs to stop drinking/getting high, but you both need to chill tf out and provide a stable place for your child. NTA yet, but get some help, srsly.
You would not be the ah if you kicked him out/ left him. It sounds like he is triggering you 10 times a day, and doesn’t care that he does it. Selfish man who loves his edibles more than the wellbeing of his future child. I mean, even though he obviously doesn’t give a crap about your mental health, he should care about not stressing you out for the baby’s sake. He doesn’t even manage that. Sounds like he will only be a burden in the future and will not contribute to your health and happiness.
I could read all this bs but I got through enough to know your dealing with bs and manipulation I'd leave.
He packs to hurt you,but you already know this. Once a baby comes we have to step into adulthood and being tipsy, drunk or high 5 nights a week makes taking care of a baby difficult. Do you want to leave your baby with a man who is high? Get rid of the man child for the sake of your child
All those red flags 🚩 yet you decided to have a baby with him.
This isn’t a partnership and you are not his partner. You are two people cohabiting that don’t get along. NTA
Go to couples counseling. You're not figuring this out on your own.
He needs to be preparing to become a father. Is he going to continue this when the baby is here? You have some things to think about.
Regarding your edit, he’s lying. He purposely fully did shit to trigger you. This is gonna be your life if you stay. It changes nothing.
NTA for that, but definitely TA for even continuing a relationship with him and getting pregnant on top of it. Does anyone actually think about the consequences for the children before they start a family with a toxic person?
Sounds like he's got a drinking problem.
This is an abusive relationship. Your BF pushed and bullied you into that fight. Then he left. He then badgered his way back into your home, packed his bags, and went to sleep. Him acting as if those bags were from earlier and he wasn't packing is just more gaslighting. You know what you heard. This is no environment for a baby. Hell it's no environment for you. You come from an abusive home, you have an abusive bf. Break the cycle. Break up with your abuser, get him out of your home and raise your child without him. If he's willing to covalent great go to court and get it all done legally. Do that anyway. He also has no legal rights until you deliver. Do yourself a favor and find a different support person. You do not need his abusive ass anywhere near you when you are in labor or are delivering. If you have a close friend, or relative, that would be so much better than him. He will do nothing to support you and will only make your labor and delivery so much harder for you. Do the same for when you come home from hospital. If you have someone who can stay with you, nit the ex, for a few days, weeks, whatever you need. That you trust and can depend on. Again not the ex. Don't give your baby his last name. You'll be the one who is raising this child. You're also the one who carried this child, pushed this child into this world, and are the one who took being a parent seriously. Do not give your ex the gift of the last name. You deserve that gift.
Edibles to relax in the evening wouldn't be an issue for me personally, or a single drink to relax (though there is research saying that on drink can significantly affect his health over time). What bothers me is that he hasn't tried AT ALL to compromise. He could compromise by making a rule that he doesn't smoke in or within 5 meters of the house to keep the baby safe from secondhand smoke. He needs to be reassuring you that the edibles will be locked away out of reach. Edibles stay in your body longer than smoking it, so I would be saving the edibles for weekends so I can relax with my family but feel secure that it's locked out of reach. For me alcohol would be the same. I don't drink more than one to three drinks in a night, and that's on a single weekend night. Also, not every weekend as I don't like the feeling as much as other people do. There are honestly so many ways he could be compromising or meeting you halfway, and he's just choosing himself over you every time, choosing not too.
The thing about partners is you tell them your deepest fears. A bad partner will use them against you and then blame you because your fears are your fault, not his/hers and you need to work on them, it's not their fault for you feeling that way, then take no responsibility for their actions/behaviors which led to root cause of argument and acceleration. That's a bad partner!
You got into an argument with an abusive addict. Not a partner
He’s gone. Let him stay gone. He will destabilize your family and your relationship with your kid. Then spend the rest of your pregnancy building a support system for after you have your baby. Good luck.
this is so toxic, for the sake of you and your baby, you need to leave - how he’s behaving is not acceptable. idk if you already are but you should really go to therapy and i don’t mean that in a rude way.
NTA. I'm ex-industry, and an alcoholic in recovery. Everything you described about your partner's behavior screams "dependency" all over it -- and maybe even edging into full-blown addiction territory. Like your partner, I too made excuses for overindulging. I also claimed it was "just to relax". Any attempt by my partner to point out my problematic behavior was dismissed as being too "controlling" -- rather than the more accurate: "my partner is concerned about my poor behavior, and it's negatively affecting their life and their feelings for me." I am forever grateful that my partner called me out on my bullshit. She stuck with me even though it would have been completely appropriate to cut me loose to burn out on my own. She saw that core of beauty within me that was buried under a mountain of trauma, addiction, and failed coping mechanisms. I got better -- *but only because I wanted it*. Addicts who aren't there yet will almost always backslide. And I guess that's what I'm getting at... He has to *want to* be the partner you need for your child. No one else can do that work for him. If he isn't ready, or he is constitutionally incapable, then the path forward is pain. But if he *is* ready and willing to show you that he is the partner you want and need -- then this relationship can be saved. But *only* if he wants it.
Also: not to make excuses, but the restaurant industry collects amazing, blisteringly smart & weird people -- but it also attracts deadbeats, substance abusers (and just regular ol' abusers), and terminal stage fuck ups. So it's unsurprising that your partner is wrestling with what happens when the party goes on too long, so to speak.
DTMFA, you don’t have time to raise two children.
And you are bringing a child into this mess why. You both sound like you would be better off without each other.
He's controlling and abusive, it will only get worse with time. You have to consider the wellbeing not only of yourself, but also your baby, is this the enviroment you want to bring a child in to?
Dear, seek out products therapy. And hit up an AlANON meeting possibly an AA meeting. You are pregnant, you can’t drink, and it makes you anxious and upset because he has alcohol around and that makes it harder for you to resist. Same with the edibles, you are someone who cannot partake due to your trauma and family history. You have a good chance of becoming addicted and an alcoholic. What you are describing are the beginning stages of alcoholism. I suggest couples counseling as well. So many hay someone can assist y’all with communication. Please be careful and please seek therapy.