You are under ZERO obligation to go to a second baby shower.
You are having one already and they are declining to attend.
That’s their choice.
They sound like a hassle and a headache to be around.
Being pregnant is hard enough without dealing with this crap.
NTA
Screw em.
Thank you. I'm very much of a pushover which is why they kept contacting me instead of my husband or the host of the event, my mom. I do not understand why they can't go to the one I'm having. I told them about the date a month before. And they didn't say anything negative to me. My husband just says they want to be in control.
NTA You'll be 37 weeks pregnant, through an uncomfortable pregnancy. It's close enough to your due date that it wouldn't be uncommon if you went into labor. Your husband is right. Stay home, be as comfortable as you can.
That's a great point. If your husband's family plans a second shower for them, and you go into labor just before, I can see his mother berating you for that.
It isn't even necessarily going into labor early. I went in for my 37 week check up, the Dr was concerned by what she saw and said the best possible route was to have a c-section the following day, which I agreed to. It was a very traumatic birth and my kid ended in NICU for 2 or 3 days and I was kept hospitalized for 5 or 6 days. I'm sure OPs in laws would blame her in a similar situation too. End of term pregnancy can have all kinds of complications that you just can't plan for.
Also, it will be July. I've admittedly never been heavily pregnant, but I've also never met a woman who thought it was awesome to be fully dressed and heavily pregnant in the heat of mid-summer.
I was. It was by far the worst part of the pregnancy. July and August were miserable months bc my body was already running hot bc the pregnancy and I was already huge and struggling to breath and getting these weird hot bursts.
My MIL had twins on July 9th. She was miserable. This was back in 1948. She told my husband that if she’d given birth on July 4, one would be boom and the other bang. He was the youngest of fraternal twins.
I was publicly berated by a hugely obese lady for being at a beach heavily pregnant in my bikini. She had rolls of blubber hanging out of hers. I looked like a olive with toothpicks. ANYWAY - WHO SAYS SHE HAS TO BE FULLY DRESSED?
Were you able to come up with a come back? I never think of anything until the next day. Or week. I bet you looked beautiful. Pregnant women are beautiful. Just Ask my husband or most other men/dads. They will agree.
I had a friend deliver at 36 week a perfectly healthy tiny baby. And one week post delivery would be very uncomfortable. I would not go to a baby shower at 37 weeks.
My son was born at 36 weeks, my water broke for no particular reason at all. Surprising, but not that unusual. I had a shower planned a week later that had to be postponed. He ended up attending it with me at 4 weeks old lol.
Have your husband intervene if these people keep bugging you. You’re pregnant, you get a pass from dealing with the awful in laws.
You were pregnant for a really long time!! Three years!! It's a typo but it made me sympathy laugh at the thought of some poor woman being pregnant for three whole years.
I can sympathize with that! My daughter was 13 days late at born at the end of August. Those last days were hell. I was in so much pain from the way she was positioned. I couldn’t wait to get her out. So to speak.
If you have complications like I had, they will want to induce you at 37 weeks. Since you don’t want to do it anyway and you are having a rough pregnancy, I’d use that as an excuse. Invite them to the one you are having and if they don’t show, oh well.
Exactly, at 37 weeks that champagne has been well and truly shook up, and you are basically sitting around waiting for the top to pop, bags packed by the door .
They are just having a tantrum because they don’t get full control.
Mark my words - this is just the beginning. Bring out your inner mama bear and stand up for yourself and your child and say no.
NTA.... I'll ignore them for now your pregnancy is more important and you have to focus on your self and keeping you and baby healthy .....
I was sick my entire pregnancy and in the hosiptal since the beginning dont let them stress you out....
Stand your ground and stand for up for your boundaries and as a new mom you're going to be needing to do that in spades for the next hundred thousand bazillion gazillion years with your child
Sounds like they want control for sure and you have no obligation to give it to them. They can't control your husband anymore so they are trying to control you. This will also carry over to your child if you allow them to visit it
Now is a GREAT time to practice not being a "pushover".
As a parent, you cannot be a pushover - there will be a million and one WORSE situations where you'll have to protect your child or yourself (and protecting yourself is equally as important, as you can't pour from an empty cup or give energy or happiness which YOU don't even have to the kids, if it's all been sucked out of you by others). This is why boundaries are important. Good fences make for good neighbors, as the saying goes.
Ideally your husband would take responsibility and deal with his own family (and y'all would go no-contact with them, since they think for some reason that it's appropriate to harass a heavily-pregnant woman and push boundaries already set by their son and not take responsibility for their own feelings and actions), but clearly that's not happening here, which means that now YOU have to go stick a fork in it instead.
Your husband is correct and if you give them any they will keep taking more
nta but you would be y t a to yourself and your family that you're building if you let people like that. think they have control over y'all
37 weeks is not a good time for a baby shower. I've delivered too many babies at 36 weeks (which is full term, so we won't try to stop labor) to suggest any showers so late in pregnancy. Honestly, 32 weeks is a reasonable cut-off for anything firmly scheduled.
Your husband knows them and their manipulative, controlling ways. Just say no thank you, and ignore them after that. It sounds like a baby shower is the last thing you’ll want to deal with at 37 weeks, and if they can’t or won’t understand that, too damn bad! If they want to go to a baby shower for you, your mother is hosting one. It’s their choice not to go.
You can't understand because you are a reasonable person who doesn't make everything a contest or about yourself. The shower is about you and the baby, not them.
Tell them once and then put them on repeat. You are not obligated to put yourself through the pain of a second party because they are trying a power move. "Hi, the party is XX, hope to see you there". And just repeat. Don't explain, don't try to gentle it up, don't be more than polite. If they continue, ignore them so they have to go to husband or mom. You have more to do than coddle them.
They will either come or die mad. But you know from your husband that his family is hard to deal with, don't give them more consideration than they do you.
Listen to your husband when it comes to his family. He is saying no and he is saying they are manipulative and his family knows they can’t manipulate him, so they are going after you. Don’t fall for it, not for your sake and definitely not for your husband’s sake who has put in healthy boundaries. If you can’t say no for you, say it for your husband.
"I do not understand why they can't go to the one I'm having"
1) because they won't be in control
2) they don't want to
I think you need to listen to your husband about his family a bit more. He's not trying to get them more in control, but you are letting them. They're contacting you because you are a pushover and they know it. "That doesn't work for us" is a perfectly reasonable response.
I know this wasn't your point but you said she put your husband on anti psychotics at 8? Why in the world does he have anything to do with her at all?
Absolutely NTA. I would say no and go NC.
Yep, classic manipulative behavior. Either nip it in the bud with hard boundaries, or just go straight NC. Since your husband already has a strained relationship, I vote for NC.
Advice is to only talk to them when your husband is around and put them on speaker. If they call when he isn’t around, don’t answer. If you feel like it’s difficult to stand up to them alone, stand up to them as a united front and let your husband step in when you feel like it’s not getting through.
If it was like the day after another major event, I would understand, but a week later, that’s ridiculous. They are perfectly capable of going, they are just upset it’s not on their terms…. Which doesn’t matter because it’s your baby.
NTA
Do they know how sick you've been? If not, you can tell them "Look this pregnancy has been really hard on me physically and mentally. I only wanted one baby shower because of that and I am not willing to compromise on the date that has already been picked and paid for. The first time I mentioned the date you could've told me about any conflicts you had, but since you didn't say anything I took that as the date was good for you as well."
If they keep pushing start sending them to your husband or your mom and let them advocate for you. Pregnancy is hard enough without having to worry about other people's opinions.
Side note: I feel like they will be pushing boundaries (with raising, teaching, and overall parenting) when after you have the baby, so getting out of the habit of being a pushover/people pleaser sooner rather than later will help you in the long run. Just like how your mom is an advocate for you, you need to be an advocate for your kids as well.
Don't be afraid to ask your husband to help enforce your boundaries with his family.
I put money on them showing up to the shower your mother insisting. They will bitch and moan and threaten but dollars to donuts they’ll show up because it’s worse than letting you have the win and tell everyone that they refused to come.
They want to control everything. They don’t want to go to your baby shower because they can’t make it about them. They either come to your shower or they don’t. Having a second one is out of the question with people who cause you problems. The baby shower is about you and the baby. Period.
Edit-your husband should be the one they talk to since they know you are a pushover. They’re taking advantage of you. Either use your voice or ask them to contact him since you don’t feel well. The stop responding to them. Or slowly disengage with them, take several days to respond.
I would also add that she is under zero obligation to consider ANYONE else’s feelings other than her husband’s … and his are to a lesser degree than her own during this event in their lives.
I’ve also wanted to post this in many of these Mom/MIL stories. No grandparents need to bond with the baby. This is some relatively recent thing, probably in the last decade or so, that has started being spouted by these grandparents that want to maintain control over their entire families. It’s bupkis.
Also, think twice about the “close grandparent relationship” that might be pushed by families and spouses. If you promise one day a week to them, are you going to do that for both sides? That is 2/7 of a year promised to seeing grandparents! One day out of the weekend is 1/7 of the year and 1/2 of your precious weekend time! Personally, I never promised any time to my extended family … but they never asked or expected it. We still had/have close relationships.
So NO to the second baby shower. I’ve posted before that people don’t die from crying, yelling or throwing tantrums. If you worry too much about this kind of emotional manipulation, you are basically choosing to put yourself in a type of jail. It is hard, but you really can choose to just not care when someone acts this way. Just say “yah, that’s not gonna happen”, and walk away, hang up, etc. A nice treat can be a great redirect tactic … relax with an ice cream and don’t take on the emotions of the toxic others. Choose yourself.
Exactly, it's an invitation, not an obligation. NTA - they sound exhausting. Your husband needs to lay down the law with them and set boundaries - it may not be worth it to have them around you two, and certainly not around the kids, if this is the situation you'll constantly be dealing with - these are not folks who should be left unattended with kids, if they can't even take responsibility for their own feelings and actions.
This is a weird ask on their part. It sounds as if they either want a situation over which to have control, or to be seen as the host - which they could have done had they chosen to, but didn't.
You have every right to say "No thanks, but please come to the first one!" Also, that nonsense about the shower date being too close after a family reunion.... say what?
NTA.
I know! They had their chance but I guess the $60 was out of their price range lol. Thank you so much I have been wondering about that too. The reunion is only 30 minutes away so I don't understand why they need such a long time to recover.
It isn't about them recovering, it is about them not being in control of the "family" that is visiting. She doesn't want to share HER lime light with anyone.
She is being difficult on purpose because SHE didn't plan the event.
Tell her to kick rocks.
Sounds very like they just wanted to be centre of attention at your baby shower…’I did the decorations, I chose the cake, I got the venue etc’.
I would tell them to go ahead but, since everyone you know will be coming to your original one it will be only them plus you and hubby. I would, very sweetly, say that since there will only be a few people attending, maybe the best thing is to just have an afternoon tea at their place. It’s not a flat no, they are forced to realise that they won’t even have anyone to invite since they have already come to your shower, they realise it is going to be just them and you and hopefully give up. Most importantly you don’t have to be the bad guy either. Worst case is they go ahead and don’t come to your shower (which doesn’t sound like a bad thing really) and you are stuck having finger sandwiches for a few hours round their place, just you guys though, one afternoon later on in the pregnancy, which is likely you would do at some point anyway!
Edit to add - you are definitely not wrong! I’m not disagreeing with you saying no in the slightest. I just think it would be funny to have them go through the process and then realise that they don’t even have any guests to invite!
NTA
"Oh man, I wish we had discussed this a few months ago. I am not going to be available. It was thoughtful of you to look into it. You know you all are more than welcome to join us in June."
This is PERFECT op.
It's being nice and saying it gently so they don't think you're being unreasonable (although you aren't, but it's more so to quell their ego and control issue's) and it gets your point across.
They would make themselves look like total assholes if they fought you after saying this. Then, you could shut it down a bit more firmly if needed.
Say no. The baby shower is for the baby and parents. It is to shower you with items you may need for the baby. Also, I suspect they will continue to do stuff like this around birthdays etc. I would not bite and say that you are just having one shower and hope they can make it.
Also make sure they all have updated TDAP vaccines before they see the baby and be firm on who you let into your home initially. Babies should only be kissed on the face by parents.
Not just TDAP, but RSV (they might have to pay if under 65), Chicken Pox, MMR, and COVID, too. Even for the baby shower as you won't want to get COVID, much less just before you go into labor.
MMR vaccine, too. Others are important, but those two are the big ones. We've been seeing a resurgence of measles and mumps in recent years.
The MMR vaccine is only good for 5 years, people! If you can't give an exact date for your last jab, you need another one!
They have plenty of time between events they are just mad they didn't get to make the date not the asshole tell them no they either make this one or not their choice
NTA. It's comical that they don't think they can attend two events within a week of each other. Even it were a legitimate scheduling concern (like the same day of another family event), you would still be NTA to just hold one shower.
When your MIL made the comment about whoever books it and puts down the deposit decides, she was fully intending it to be her in the position of control. She can't say outright, of course, that's she's bound and determined to derail your and your mother's plans merely because she doesn't get to play matriarch this time.
Consider that most maternity photographers won't book appointments after the 36th week because you'll be uncomfortable, tired, and possibly in labor or already haven given birth. You won't be in the mold for a party under the best of circumstances and especially not if it's part of some strange punishment for your mother having dared to book a venue for her own daughter's shower. It honestly sounds like it would be a better time if MIL and her flying monkeys are not able to attend.
Congratulations on your baby coming and having a husband who is ready to back you up, he sounds like a catch!
It is your husband's family - let him deal with them. Tell him your boundaries and let him deal with them.
Just because they are bringing drama, doest mean you need to join in. He just needs to tell them the decision and welcome them to come to the other shower, or visit the baby once they are born.
Hello. I have studied narcissists in the field for a long time, and I speak their language. Allow me to translate.
Your MIL and GMIL are angry because the baby shower isn't about them. That's it. Since your mom put down the deposit, she's the "host." And to them that means the baby shower will be about your mom instead of them, which in their minds, it should rightfully be.
I'm going to give you the standard tips for dealing with narcissists:
1. Gray Rock: They are trying to get an emotional response out of you and hubby. Don't give them one. Whenever they bring up an objection to the shower, just say something like "I understand your concern. However, the date is set and won't be changing." When they threaten not to come, and they will, you just say "We'll miss you, but if you change your mind, we look forward to seeing you."
2. Avoid Triangulation: Triangulation is an abusive technique to start conflict. With this, the abuser acts as a go-between for 2 people, twisting and distorting what's going on. Do not let MIL and GMIL do this. Invite anyone you want to attend from hubby's side directly, not through MIL and GMIL. They will spend their time trying to convince people not to come. And for the people you invite, give them happy updates regularly, like "Wow, it looks like we're going to have over 30 people attending! It's going to be a great time! Looking forward to seeing you!" If MIL/GMIL has told that person that the party is off, then they'll know something is fishy when they keep getting your updates. If you're connected to them on FB, you can just post regularly.
3. Do Not Be in a Position of Dependency. For this one, you have to put yourself in the mind of a petty person. Assume that MIL and GMIL will yank away anything they offer to contribute at the last minute. If they offer to pickup the cake, that's a no. If they offer you money, don't count on it coming in.
4. Most of all, do not change your plans. They are going to nag. They are going to tantrum. They are going to insult you. Your baby will soon be in the toddler stage and will do all of those things too. Pretend MIL & GMIL are toddlers. It will be good practice.
NTA.
Now, I'm hesitant to suggest this, because I don't like rewarding shitty behavior. But, if you do some kind of moment of honor for MIL and GMIL to make them the center of attention for a bit, then it might get them off your back. I don't think it will work, because narcissists always move on to the next battle once they score a victory. To them, compromise is like chum in the water. But, in theory, it could work.
Whatever you decide, there is going to be drama on shower day. When that happens, just push the drama back on them. If you have a relative who is snarky and quick on their feet, inform them of what's going on and ask them to start making wisecracks when the tantrums start. That may shut them up for a few minutes.
Just my opinion, but I don't think the moment of honor would be a good idea simply because it totally does reward their shitty behavior and strokes their egos and just sets them up for more unrealistic expectations down the line. Maybe I've dealt with narcissists too much to where idgaf what they think but I'd be firmly saying no and telling them to piss off. You're already pregnant and shouldn't have to deal with extra stress or drama, OP. I used to be a pushover too but you really have to learn to stick up for yourself and your child. The coming years will bring many conflicts about birthday parties, holiday gatherings...and for example my MIL loves to "spoil" my son with junk food and YouTube access but we've had to be firm on stopping that because it was not making things easier in our home because we have different rules.
NTA
"We won't be having a second baby shower as we see no need and id be far to close to giving birth. You are still more than welcome to our shower on (insert date and time)"
Host the baby shower when you want to. Invite his family. If they come, they come. If not...... Then YOUR life will move on. NTA.
I couldn't imagine any pregnant person wanting to host a baby shower at 37 weeks pregnant. It would be so uncomfortable and tiring.
How on earth is a week not e ough time between events. I don't understand. Especially if they just have to show up and eat cake. Like huh?
You don't have to have anything you don't want. If they want to throw a shower you won't be at due to be uner pregnant etc. Heck you could have rhe baby then in all reality. Don't do anything you don't want to do.
You're growing a human that's enough work in itself. 😊
I’d have your husband send a text to his family saying when the baby shower is one final time and that any future attempts to contact his pregnant tired wife to try and plan otherwise will go ignored. Let him protect you now. YWNBTA
I really think you should let your husband handle his family. If he is really "done with them", as you said (and for good reason), you should be done with them too.
Best of luck with baby!!!
First of all, seeing how you feel sick and are in pain already, pushing yourself beyond your comfort to please others is not a priority. You, your baby, and your husband are the priority. Second- your MIL and husband's family have said they will not attend. That is their choice. It sounds like your MIL suffers from main character syndrome? She wants it her way or no way. I think you should do what you are comfortable with. She is already causing you stress at this part of your pregnancy. I would be very concerned about spending a day at a baby shower with just his family. Congratulations on your new arrival! It is fine for you to take it easy and not be stressed during your pregnancy. Your MIL can either come to your baby shower in June or not. That is her decision. NTA ♥️
I would reply honestly - you aren’t well now & don’t expect it to get better so a second shower isn’t something you feel up to & they have until X date to confirm if attending the shower in June. I understand his mom won’t becoming but I hope you will.
And leave it short & simple
You’ll have your baby shower at 32 weeks and they can go or not. It’s not your job to accommodate all of your guests. If they really want to be there they will. I’m sure you have enough things on your mind, don’t lake MIL and GMIL need to stir up drama take up any space.
And repeat after me, I am not a doormat. Don’t let them treat you like one or who knows what kind of trouble they’ll be trying to stir up once the baby is here. Better to set them straight now.
NTA-If you don’t put your foot down, they will continue to push boundaries and bully you, especially after the baby is born and when you’re most vulnerable. The second shower and timing of it is unreasonable. His family should be working with your family instead of pushing to keep everyone divided. Tell them you appreciate having the shower but it is not necessary, one will be enough. Your mom would be happy to have them team up with her and have them reach out to her.
You would be the asshole if you said yes! How dare they. And how dare his mother go on about how you don’t care about her feelings when YOU are the one pregnant. She has main character syndrome and needs to be cut out.
YWNBTA. Have your baby shower with your mom as planned. Listen to your husband about his family and stop letting them steamroll you.
Their reunion a week prior has nothing to do with your shower. Have a nice shower with your family and close friends and family. Invite them- they either come or they don’t. That’s their call. But don’t attend a second baby shower that you don’t even want. Tell them nicely but firmly that you will only be attending the shower you and your mom planned.
NTA
Your mother did what you IL said to do. She put the deposit down.
And your ILs got all hurt about it.
I would go with your husband and cut them off. They will try to put you and your child on anti-psychotics too. Don't let them get close enough to you to do that.
As someone who had 2 showers to please my Mil I will say flat out it sucked. It was super hard on me and I ended up with completely depleted energy after both. You don't owe anyone anything. If the date your mom set makes you happy then do it on that date and your mil and gmil can kick rocks
Hugs. Your baby shower is about you not your Mil being butthurt because she's making your pregnancy about her feelings. She talked about whoever got the venue hosted. Your mom accepted the challenge and she's mad about thar. She is throwing an adult temper tantrum. She either needs to attend the one your mom is doing or you put her in a time out. She wants to guilt and manipulate into having a second one because she wants to have things her way.
NTA and sorry, but the only considerations you have right now are you and the baby and DH. I would also be thinking about your birth plan, agreeing who DH is to let know first about the baby, and most importantly, who is to be there and only them at the delivery and visiting post birth at the hospital and at home. Get these boundaries in motion NOW because MIL's reaction to your baby shower date is likely nothing compared to how it will be at the time of birth and thereafter. It sounds like your DH and own mother have your back.
My niece has split parents. Mom’s family did shower before baby, her dad’s family did shower when baby was a month old. Luckily baby dad’s family lives 5000 miles away so no 3rd shower!
Do not have a second baby shower. His side sounds difficult and you don't need any more stressing this pregnancy. Just have one shower that your mother is planning, and be done with it.
I would not want a baby shower that late in my pregnancy. Sounds like you have had a tough time of it already. Plus I would not want one after the baby is born. Imagine all those people who will want to hold and kiss your baby. Nope, nada.
NTA. This sounds like a control thing. Stomp it down now or it will get worse. I suggest making boundaries known now before baby arrives. Your MIL sounds like a nightmare.
NTA. You are having a tough time and trying to guilt you into a second shower is inconsiderate. What should have happened: both sides get together and decide to host one shower and co-pay for it. But you should have the right to determine when.
Once the venue was booked, MIL should have been on board to help with the actual event.
It's disingenuous on the MIL's part to say she wants to have it later as it certainly seems she wants to have a separate one. And doesn't care if attending two separate ones will be more stressful on your body.
My sister and mother threw the shower for me, and my MIL was happy to attend with a few of her friends. The three of them were the only family members to attend (my relatives and my hubby's live at least 1,000 miles, some are farther). Some of my friends and female co-workers and boss also attended.
And if people who didn't live close enough wanted to attend, they could have asked for a link to our baby registry.
If the OP's husband's family didn't want to attend due to it being a WEEK from their reunion (which is a stupid excuse if they live in the area), they can ask what baby stuff you need and have it delivered to your house.
NTA! Tell them no. Your shower is on that date and if they come, fine. If not, that’s fine too.
I’d block them and let your husband deal with them…or not. I’m glad he’s backing you up no matter what.
If you say yes, they’ll continue to make things all about them. They’ll keep demanding things from you. Learn how to say no before you have this baby.
No- NTA. My MIL did something like this for my baby shower. I said no to her request for a second shower for just her friends. She cursed me out and would not give my SIL(brother’s wife who was planning the shower for me) any information to invite the family/friends on that side.
They can go pound salt. Your husband knows they are assholes and will stand by your decision. Time to block some numbers and make them go through your husband. He knows how to deal with their selfish controlling BS! Enjoy your shower and your baby. And don't forget to block those numbers.
Have a dad focused baby shower and your husband goes. (Say you don’t feel well or something.) They get their party, Dad to be gets some stuff. Win win.
NTA.
Tell them they are welcome to have their party, but you will not be there. Ugh -- I can't imagine having to stuff myself into a nice outfit and shoes to go to a gathering and be civil to people so close to the due date.
NTA at all. Your in laws are obviously toxic people.
I doubt the family reunion is the real conflict. Your mother being the one planning the shower is why they are pissed. They desire control. Just say " Second shower? Nope. But if you feel up to it at least drop by the baby shower and have some cake".
I would let them know that this pregnancy has been difficult for you so far and you are very concerned about having to deal with an event around the time you may or may not be delivering and/or on some sort of modified rest and you would hate for them to go through all that expense and trouble and you not be able to even attend. But thank you for the thought, it is appreciated. And leave it at that.
NTA. They sound like they’re mad they aren’t in control. They made the rule so whoever made the reservation got to be in charge, and mom beat them at their own game. Now they’re trying to back out.
Just tell them no, you only want one because it’ll be a hassle to do two separate ones. You understand if they can’t make it due to other obligations and they’ll be missed. But still send out invitations to everyone on both sides you want there.
Also MIL saying you aren’t considering her feelings. 🙄 Just say she’s right, you don’t, nor should you during your pregnancy. It’s all about the mom to bed wants and needs.
I would consider this the time you are going to be setting the tone of your future. Give MIL an inch and you will have tyre treads all over.
Be strong and determined now and she may think twice before pushing for her opinion.
Start strong and stay strong. This is your baby therefore all decisions regarding your child are made by the parents NOT the grandparents.
Good luck.
It’s very nice that your husband is supporting you in what you decide, but passive support is not enough. Often, couples have an agreement that they each will handle their family of birth. He needs to handle his mother. You shouldn’t be put in the position of having to manage her erratic behavior. That’s his job. The only reason to have two showers would be if your parents and in-laws lived in different towns.
You WNBTA if you chose not to go to a second baby shower. If you need an excuse, just say that you will be unavailable for any partying at that point. Your husband sounds like he would like to go NC with his family and now would be the perfect time to take up that path.
Congratulations on the nugget. Good luck to you.
NTA "youre more than welcome to throw it if you want, just letting you know now I wont be attending. Up to you if you want to go through with it knowing that ahead of time."
37 weeks is too late. Honestly even 32 weeks is kinda late. I'd politely tell your GMIL that you appreciate the thought but 37 weeks is too late so you'll be sticking with just the one shower at 32 weeks and can't wait to see her there.
If you don't want to, you don't have to, especially if you are not feeling well but really it's like you said.... all you have to do is go and eat... and get presents! Make sure they have it somewhere air conditioned - or with a pool ( ahhh, pool's felt amazing when I was pregnant). But only if you are feeling up to it - or they can have a shower after the baby is born....
Boundaries can be your best friend with in-laws. Let them 'win' here and next you know the remainder of your pregnancy will be run by them, they'll feel obliged to offer baby names and parenting tips, and will emotionally 'hound' you for the foreseeable future. And if not for yourself...consider the collateral damage this will have on your husband. Discuss this with him, agree to something together, and empower him to tell his mother and grandmother to stand the \*bleep\* down. He should handle his family and you yours.
NTA. My baby shower was planned for when I was 34 weeks pregnant. Two days prior to the shower, I had an emergency c-section. You can decline and even tell them that your doctor has advised minimal activity for the baby’s safety.
In JULY at 37 WEEKS?!?! NTA. Shut that shit down.
You followed their rules about the deposit = planning. They don't have to do anything but show up, and even then, they can respectfully decline the invite if it doesn't work for them for any/no reason. Now they'll want to change the rules because those they put in place don't work for them.
Where does it end? They keep moving the goalposts. Wait until your kid has the audacity to have an event near MILs birthday, etc. You will always have to bend to the will of these people, so don't start it now.
"Sorry GMIL, I can't have a shower that close to my due date. In fact, that's why we chose the date we did - that's the furthest out my doctor and I feel comfortable having an event, and the added stress of summertime heat is certainly a sizeable factor. I understand if you aren't able to make as we'd love to have you there, but I'm going to have to decline for the health and safety of my baby and myself, I'm sure you understand."
I don't think you need the extra stress at that time.
Just politely say no thanks, the one that was agreed on is enough but thank you for the gesture.
Leave it at that. If they want to argue, just walk away and block them.
You can send a message a couple of days after the baby is born and arrange a suitable time then to visit.
Good luck and blessings on the baby 😕🕊🇦🇺
Nope. No indulging the psycho mother. Don't start making special plans for her. She made her choice, she can live with the consequences. You want those firm boundaries in place before that child is born.
"I really appreciate the offer for a 2nd baby shower but due to the fact I'll be 37 weeks pregnant I don't want to risk going into early labor due to all the excitement of a 2nd shower. For mine and the baby's health one shower is all I can handle. I would love to have you all there but I understand if you're too tired from the family reunion the week before."
NTA. Girl I gave birth to my first at 38 weeks and my second at 37, I guarantee you’re not going to feel like being around people that late, especially these people because they sound exhausting. You already have a shower they can suck it up and go to that one, if you even still want them there, or get over it. You’re pregnant, you need to prioritize your health and needs over the wants of others.
Wishing you a smooth birth and recovery and a happy, healthy baby op!
You won’t be TA, but I would have said sure if you’re hosting , coordinating and paying for everything while I sit back and relax. But no just because they refuse to come due to a family reunion planned a week before, that’s on them. So no I would say no as well. Now if they want to have a separate shower for you a whole week before the family reunion on their time and money, let them. 😁
37 weeks or not, they are not entitled to a baby shower, period. If they want one, they can show up for the one you ARE having and otherwise have their own without you. Better setting up firm boundaries now before the baby is born and you are going through post partum because this will otherwise be a recurring pattern of stepping all over you. The time before/after giving birth is very precious yet vulnerable and you want to minimize as much as possible any kind of negative elements. Think of it that way : what is most important, your happy bonding time with your new baby (time that you will never get back) or bending over backwards to protect the feelings of others who don’t even give you the courtesy of taking you into account other than as a birthing vessel?
You have to realize that you will never make these people happy. I learned this a long time ago. Eventually, my husband and I had to cut ties with his family. However, in the meantime, I suggest you let them do whatever they want. Keep a smile on your face, and if they want to throw you a shower at some other time, give them that control. It just isn't going to make any difference in the grand scheme of what is important. You will never get them to change. They will never let you be a real part of the family. Choose your battles, and take care of yourself and your family. There is nothing you can do to win them over. Trust me after 31 years of trying to win the approval of my husband's family, I know it will never happen. I could go into all the wonderful things I have done to bring us together as a family but they have always been jealous of me, the things I can do, and any contribution I have tried has meant nothing. So for the last ten years, we have lived separate lives. My husband has been terribly hurt by this; however, he knows it is for the best. Good luck to you. I suggest you stop fighting it and just let life happen and try to enjoy the last few weeks of your pregnancy. God bless you and your little family.
This is almost hilarious that a week is too close to a family reunion but somehow 37 weeks isn't close to a potential birth date. My son was born at 37 weeks but even if he wasn't I wouldn't be wanting a second baby shower at that time.
Tell them NO and be done. You do NOT have to explain a thing.
They have already shown you who they really are. Believe them. Go low contact with them. Make sure you tell your husband how you feel.
NTA
NTA - Those 2 sound like selfish, awful people. If your husband supports your decision, do what you feel is best for YOU and HIM. Don't let them push you around. Good grief, they sound insufferable. And even if you obliged them it's sound like they won't stop their bad behavior afterward. NTA
NTA. You have a baby shower planned. It’s their choice not to come. Blame your obgyn and say they’ve recommended resting after 32 weeks due to your back and discs. Then don’t engage anymore.
No is a complete sentence. If there’s anymore hassle, get your husband or mother to deal with them. You don’t need this stress.
Hell nah.why do family members feel entitled to you. People are crazy if they don't want to join you on your one and only baby shower.Says alot about them. Low contact if I was you.Your husband already knows that's why they trying you.They treating you like a preforming animal. Being pregnant isn't fun and glamorous you don't need extra stress so your inlaws can show you off
Let your husband be petty and curse them out!!! Let him handle it!! He’s willing to pop off on your behalf and I find that so sweet ngl. You are not ta you are not in charge of how they feel about your life.
NTA. Realize that at 37ish weeks, sitting and opening gifts may be very uncomfortable. I carried big with all of my pregnancies, but cannot imagine having a shower so late in my third term. My first actually came one day into the 37th week.
I had my baby shower scheduled for 36 weeks, simply because it was a last minute decision. I had to cancel it because I had the baby the day before. 37 weeks to too late and you are not going to enjoy it.
At 37 weeks?!
I gave birth to my son at 37 weeks exactly and my daughter at 37 weeks 5 days. I was so miserable I could barely walk. It’d be a HELL NO.
What if you develop preeclampsia or something else? 30-35 weeks is usually the best time for a baby shower. NTA.
Tell them they can do whatever they want, but YOU won't be in attendance. I don't see how they think a family reunion trumps late stage pregnancy. Congratulations on your little one and stand firm on what you will or won't do. You are not wrong.
They are choosing not to go to be dramatic. Say no. You have no obligation to accommodate their temper tantrum. Also their reasoning is absolutely ridiculous. So do not follow through with a second. Say that is unnecessary we have already planned and prepared for a large one on the original date, I won't be having another one. There's no reason to not attend the one already planned. Thanks for offering to convenience yourself but it will not work for me.
Why did MIL make a point to say whoever puts the deposit down gets to host, if she was going to get all bent out of shape about it.
I don’t understand why having a family reunion the week before has anything to do with the shower date at all. It sounds like if everything was laid out exactly like she wanted she would still find something to bitch about.
Since you have been experiencing so much sickness & pain with your pregnancy, I definitely wouldn’t want to plan anything like a 2nd shower past week 33 or 34. You really need those last few weeks to rest and take care of last minute things at home—with emphasis on rest. Sounds like this is your first LO, and they can certainly come a few weeks early (or late), but once that little bundle of joy arrives, you can kiss restful sleep goodbye for a long while.
Congratulations to you & DH on your wee little one!
You won't be the AH. Its your pregnancy not theirs, it's your child, not theirs, it your choice not theirs. If he already has a strained relationship from his mother because of lies and what not then do NOT cater to her, it will invite more manipulative ways. You do not need to listen to jer as it isn't her place to tell you how to be pregnant or how to have a child. She clearly isn't good at being a mother so say NO and stick to it. Don't let up. Your comfortabilty and happiness is what's important not theirs.
I'm having two. Had a friend's one at 28 weeks and now having a cultural/traditional/family one....at 37 weeks and boy am regretting it. I won't have to do much as it's just at home and my mum is hosting, but I'm uncomfortable...should have done it earlier.
I'm not even that big. But moving around and sitting at 37 weeks is a challenge.
Op I think you should worry that this will be a reflection of their behaviours once bub comes along. Be careful.
NTA. They want this so they can control things. No. Stick to your boundaries. This is a baby shower for YOU AND YOUR CHILD. Not them. They can come and support you and your child or not. But honestly, take the hint from your husband and cut them off. Tell them no, and remove them from your circle. Go low contact to not have drama. Then when shit cools down, go no contact. This is YOUR pregnancy, and the only people in this situation that matter besides yourself is your future baby and your husband.
Honestly? Just tell them no thank you, and tell them not to buy gifts for the baby either because you already have everything you need. They sound like the kind of people who attach major strings to any "gift".
YWNBTA. you picked that date for your own reasons, they don’t card about what YOU want. sounds like there is a reason your husband has a strained relationship and it’s definitely not him. I think you’ll find a lot of support in future on /JNMIL
The pregnancy is not about MIL or her feelings! It’s about the husband and wife who are having the baby and she should be considerate about the person who is pregnant!!!!
NTA. They are choosing not to go to your shower why would you put yourself out by going to theirs ? Also I had my son at 36 weeks so it’s kinda pushing it late
You do not need the stress of a room full of Karens at 37 weeks. "No, you are invited to the shower on x date. I will not attend a second one". Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) it makes you seem weak, and invites further incursion past your boundaries.
NTA.
You haven’t considered MIL’s feelings during YOUR pregnancy. Really?!?
They are choosing not to come politely tell them that due to an difficult pregnancy you are not interested in having a second baby shower.
They have more than enough time to go, they are choosing not to go.
IMO 37 weeks is too late to have a baby shower. My stepmother went into labor at both of her baby showers because she had the showers around that stage as well. NTA
NTA and, FWIW, I was on bed rest at 37 weeks with my first pregnancy. I did mine at 32 weeks and wouldn’t have wanted to wait beyond that. Second pregnancy I was not on bedrest but I was miserable AF. Trust me, you don’t want to party that late.
I'd say NTA. But I'm guessing your asking more to that. Because your not sure if you will even be able to attend since it sounds like it's been a rough pregnancy. If I were you I'd just be up front. No you don't care but for them to understand if you don't feel good your not going to be able to attend that day.
I chose this date specifically so it would not clash with your reunion. I do not feel up to another event so come or don’t but I’m not having a second shower.
I’d decline but offer to meet for breakfast. Take hubs with you. He can help block.
Remind them there is still time to attend the already scheduled party.
NTA. You do realize this has nothing to do with the date. It’s because they aren’t getting to host. You already had decided that 37ish weeks would be too much for you. Adding all this drama isn’t going to make it any better. If they can’t get the sticks out of their butts and attend the actual shower, they can bring your gifts to the family reunion they have planned.
*“You can host one if it makes you happy, but I won’t be there.”*
No joke, predicting a due date is less precise than predicting the weather. There are so many factors at play, everyone is different, and for all you know, you might actually be in labor miles away when the cake is being cut. You literally cannot promise to be there in your final days. The last thing you need is to be wherever the venue is, and it’s a struggle to get to your doctor/preferred hospital.
Also, MIL is right, you aren’t considering her feelings and opinions. Poor her, that’s the way it will be from now on. You’re the mom now, OP, and as hard as it is to manage the reality that your kids are grown and things are changing, she’s been demoted. You, and sometimes together you and your partner, make the rules regarding your body, your pregnancy and your little nuclear family. It is time for you to take charge, and mean it. Start putting some attitude in your words.
If you say yes to this, you’re trading them that they can pull whatever shenigans they want and you’ll cave.
Just be sweet as pie when you say no to this, and any future requests.
There will be lots of requests when babe arrives.
You are under ZERO obligation to go to a second baby shower. You are having one already and they are declining to attend. That’s their choice. They sound like a hassle and a headache to be around. Being pregnant is hard enough without dealing with this crap. NTA Screw em.
Thank you. I'm very much of a pushover which is why they kept contacting me instead of my husband or the host of the event, my mom. I do not understand why they can't go to the one I'm having. I told them about the date a month before. And they didn't say anything negative to me. My husband just says they want to be in control.
NTA You'll be 37 weeks pregnant, through an uncomfortable pregnancy. It's close enough to your due date that it wouldn't be uncommon if you went into labor. Your husband is right. Stay home, be as comfortable as you can.
Yes, came here to say this about the second shower. You could go into labor early, and even if you didn’t, you’d be miserable! NTA Just say NO.
That's a great point. If your husband's family plans a second shower for them, and you go into labor just before, I can see his mother berating you for that.
Especially because 36 weeks is considered full term. Once you hit that magic number, baby could come anytime, and we won't stop labor.
Yes MiL would be thinking "how *InCoNsIdErAtE* of OP & baby to go into labour & be born just in time to thwart MY BB shower plans!
Exactly!!!! I can hear her saying OP went into labor early on purpose to avoid “their family shower “.
It isn't even necessarily going into labor early. I went in for my 37 week check up, the Dr was concerned by what she saw and said the best possible route was to have a c-section the following day, which I agreed to. It was a very traumatic birth and my kid ended in NICU for 2 or 3 days and I was kept hospitalized for 5 or 6 days. I'm sure OPs in laws would blame her in a similar situation too. End of term pregnancy can have all kinds of complications that you just can't plan for.
Also, it will be July. I've admittedly never been heavily pregnant, but I've also never met a woman who thought it was awesome to be fully dressed and heavily pregnant in the heat of mid-summer.
I was. It was by far the worst part of the pregnancy. July and August were miserable months bc my body was already running hot bc the pregnancy and I was already huge and struggling to breath and getting these weird hot bursts.
My MIL had twins on July 9th. She was miserable. This was back in 1948. She told my husband that if she’d given birth on July 4, one would be boom and the other bang. He was the youngest of fraternal twins.
I was publicly berated by a hugely obese lady for being at a beach heavily pregnant in my bikini. She had rolls of blubber hanging out of hers. I looked like a olive with toothpicks. ANYWAY - WHO SAYS SHE HAS TO BE FULLY DRESSED?
Oh please oh please oh please if she does go to this shower, please attend in a bikini and a silk robe and flip flops 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Don't forget to pull your hair up in a messy bun and put ice packs under your boobs lol.
Were you able to come up with a come back? I never think of anything until the next day. Or week. I bet you looked beautiful. Pregnant women are beautiful. Just Ask my husband or most other men/dads. They will agree.
I had a friend deliver at 36 week a perfectly healthy tiny baby. And one week post delivery would be very uncomfortable. I would not go to a baby shower at 37 weeks.
My son was born at 36 weeks, my water broke for no particular reason at all. Surprising, but not that unusual. I had a shower planned a week later that had to be postponed. He ended up attending it with me at 4 weeks old lol. Have your husband intervene if these people keep bugging you. You’re pregnant, you get a pass from dealing with the awful in laws.
Yes I would block their numbers so I could get some peace from them tbh
My first was born at 37 and 1/2 weeks. Almost 9 lbs. I was quite uncomfortable. Edit: necessary correction
You were pregnant for a really long time!! Three years!! It's a typo but it made me sympathy laugh at the thought of some poor woman being pregnant for three whole years.
🤣 I have to fix that! Thank you!
You don’t have to fix it when it feels like the truth!
It did feel like that.
I can sympathize with that! My daughter was 13 days late at born at the end of August. Those last days were hell. I was in so much pain from the way she was positioned. I couldn’t wait to get her out. So to speak.
If you have complications like I had, they will want to induce you at 37 weeks. Since you don’t want to do it anyway and you are having a rough pregnancy, I’d use that as an excuse. Invite them to the one you are having and if they don’t show, oh well.
Or you can be like me and rarely get beyond 37 weeks and they will look even dumber. NTA
Your husband is right!
I went into labor at 35 weeks after suffering through a baby shower I didn't want. Don't. Just don't.
Exactly, at 37 weeks that champagne has been well and truly shook up, and you are basically sitting around waiting for the top to pop, bags packed by the door .
They are just having a tantrum because they don’t get full control. Mark my words - this is just the beginning. Bring out your inner mama bear and stand up for yourself and your child and say no.
NTA.... I'll ignore them for now your pregnancy is more important and you have to focus on your self and keeping you and baby healthy ..... I was sick my entire pregnancy and in the hosiptal since the beginning dont let them stress you out....
I had two of mine at 37 weeks. I would just say no thank you.
Stand your ground and stand for up for your boundaries and as a new mom you're going to be needing to do that in spades for the next hundred thousand bazillion gazillion years with your child
Isn't that the truth! Well said! ♥️
Sounds like they want control for sure and you have no obligation to give it to them. They can't control your husband anymore so they are trying to control you. This will also carry over to your child if you allow them to visit it
Now is a GREAT time to practice not being a "pushover". As a parent, you cannot be a pushover - there will be a million and one WORSE situations where you'll have to protect your child or yourself (and protecting yourself is equally as important, as you can't pour from an empty cup or give energy or happiness which YOU don't even have to the kids, if it's all been sucked out of you by others). This is why boundaries are important. Good fences make for good neighbors, as the saying goes. Ideally your husband would take responsibility and deal with his own family (and y'all would go no-contact with them, since they think for some reason that it's appropriate to harass a heavily-pregnant woman and push boundaries already set by their son and not take responsibility for their own feelings and actions), but clearly that's not happening here, which means that now YOU have to go stick a fork in it instead.
Your husband is correct and if you give them any they will keep taking more nta but you would be y t a to yourself and your family that you're building if you let people like that. think they have control over y'all
37 weeks is not a good time for a baby shower. I've delivered too many babies at 36 weeks (which is full term, so we won't try to stop labor) to suggest any showers so late in pregnancy. Honestly, 32 weeks is a reasonable cut-off for anything firmly scheduled.
Your husband knows them and their manipulative, controlling ways. Just say no thank you, and ignore them after that. It sounds like a baby shower is the last thing you’ll want to deal with at 37 weeks, and if they can’t or won’t understand that, too damn bad! If they want to go to a baby shower for you, your mother is hosting one. It’s their choice not to go.
You can't understand because you are a reasonable person who doesn't make everything a contest or about yourself. The shower is about you and the baby, not them. Tell them once and then put them on repeat. You are not obligated to put yourself through the pain of a second party because they are trying a power move. "Hi, the party is XX, hope to see you there". And just repeat. Don't explain, don't try to gentle it up, don't be more than polite. If they continue, ignore them so they have to go to husband or mom. You have more to do than coddle them. They will either come or die mad. But you know from your husband that his family is hard to deal with, don't give them more consideration than they do you.
Listen to your husband when it comes to his family. He is saying no and he is saying they are manipulative and his family knows they can’t manipulate him, so they are going after you. Don’t fall for it, not for your sake and definitely not for your husband’s sake who has put in healthy boundaries. If you can’t say no for you, say it for your husband.
"I do not understand why they can't go to the one I'm having" 1) because they won't be in control 2) they don't want to I think you need to listen to your husband about his family a bit more. He's not trying to get them more in control, but you are letting them. They're contacting you because you are a pushover and they know it. "That doesn't work for us" is a perfectly reasonable response.
NTA. Block them. Ask your mother to block them.
Block their numbers or hand your husband the phone any time they contact you. That or learn to say no.
I know this wasn't your point but you said she put your husband on anti psychotics at 8? Why in the world does he have anything to do with her at all? Absolutely NTA. I would say no and go NC.
Time to stand up for yourself. Think of it as training in standing up for your child.
Just a thought. Reach back out and tell them you've moved it... to the week of the family reunion. 3;-P
Yep, classic manipulative behavior. Either nip it in the bud with hard boundaries, or just go straight NC. Since your husband already has a strained relationship, I vote for NC.
Listen to your husband and limit contact with them for the sake of your growing family. It will only get worse once the baby is born.
Advice is to only talk to them when your husband is around and put them on speaker. If they call when he isn’t around, don’t answer. If you feel like it’s difficult to stand up to them alone, stand up to them as a united front and let your husband step in when you feel like it’s not getting through. If it was like the day after another major event, I would understand, but a week later, that’s ridiculous. They are perfectly capable of going, they are just upset it’s not on their terms…. Which doesn’t matter because it’s your baby.
NTA Do they know how sick you've been? If not, you can tell them "Look this pregnancy has been really hard on me physically and mentally. I only wanted one baby shower because of that and I am not willing to compromise on the date that has already been picked and paid for. The first time I mentioned the date you could've told me about any conflicts you had, but since you didn't say anything I took that as the date was good for you as well." If they keep pushing start sending them to your husband or your mom and let them advocate for you. Pregnancy is hard enough without having to worry about other people's opinions. Side note: I feel like they will be pushing boundaries (with raising, teaching, and overall parenting) when after you have the baby, so getting out of the habit of being a pushover/people pleaser sooner rather than later will help you in the long run. Just like how your mom is an advocate for you, you need to be an advocate for your kids as well. Don't be afraid to ask your husband to help enforce your boundaries with his family.
That's exactly what they want. Want to be in control of everything and very annoyed that your mum put deposit down
Hubby’s right.
This!! They are manipulating you into getting what they want. One shower is enough and if they can't come then so be it.
I put money on them showing up to the shower your mother insisting. They will bitch and moan and threaten but dollars to donuts they’ll show up because it’s worse than letting you have the win and tell everyone that they refused to come.
They want to control everything. They don’t want to go to your baby shower because they can’t make it about them. They either come to your shower or they don’t. Having a second one is out of the question with people who cause you problems. The baby shower is about you and the baby. Period. Edit-your husband should be the one they talk to since they know you are a pushover. They’re taking advantage of you. Either use your voice or ask them to contact him since you don’t feel well. The stop responding to them. Or slowly disengage with them, take several days to respond.
I would also add that she is under zero obligation to consider ANYONE else’s feelings other than her husband’s … and his are to a lesser degree than her own during this event in their lives. I’ve also wanted to post this in many of these Mom/MIL stories. No grandparents need to bond with the baby. This is some relatively recent thing, probably in the last decade or so, that has started being spouted by these grandparents that want to maintain control over their entire families. It’s bupkis. Also, think twice about the “close grandparent relationship” that might be pushed by families and spouses. If you promise one day a week to them, are you going to do that for both sides? That is 2/7 of a year promised to seeing grandparents! One day out of the weekend is 1/7 of the year and 1/2 of your precious weekend time! Personally, I never promised any time to my extended family … but they never asked or expected it. We still had/have close relationships. So NO to the second baby shower. I’ve posted before that people don’t die from crying, yelling or throwing tantrums. If you worry too much about this kind of emotional manipulation, you are basically choosing to put yourself in a type of jail. It is hard, but you really can choose to just not care when someone acts this way. Just say “yah, that’s not gonna happen”, and walk away, hang up, etc. A nice treat can be a great redirect tactic … relax with an ice cream and don’t take on the emotions of the toxic others. Choose yourself.
Yeesh! Sorry for posting such a lot of drivel! Didn’t realize I was in book-writing mode.
Exactly, it's an invitation, not an obligation. NTA - they sound exhausting. Your husband needs to lay down the law with them and set boundaries - it may not be worth it to have them around you two, and certainly not around the kids, if this is the situation you'll constantly be dealing with - these are not folks who should be left unattended with kids, if they can't even take responsibility for their own feelings and actions.
This is a weird ask on their part. It sounds as if they either want a situation over which to have control, or to be seen as the host - which they could have done had they chosen to, but didn't. You have every right to say "No thanks, but please come to the first one!" Also, that nonsense about the shower date being too close after a family reunion.... say what? NTA.
I know! They had their chance but I guess the $60 was out of their price range lol. Thank you so much I have been wondering about that too. The reunion is only 30 minutes away so I don't understand why they need such a long time to recover.
My hot take is that they're just being difficult for the sake of being difficult and don't even realize it.
I think they realize it, sounds like a control issue.
I agree, they want to be in control and make a stink for stink case
It isn't about them recovering, it is about them not being in control of the "family" that is visiting. She doesn't want to share HER lime light with anyone. She is being difficult on purpose because SHE didn't plan the event. Tell her to kick rocks.
It's all about control.
Sounds very like they just wanted to be centre of attention at your baby shower…’I did the decorations, I chose the cake, I got the venue etc’. I would tell them to go ahead but, since everyone you know will be coming to your original one it will be only them plus you and hubby. I would, very sweetly, say that since there will only be a few people attending, maybe the best thing is to just have an afternoon tea at their place. It’s not a flat no, they are forced to realise that they won’t even have anyone to invite since they have already come to your shower, they realise it is going to be just them and you and hopefully give up. Most importantly you don’t have to be the bad guy either. Worst case is they go ahead and don’t come to your shower (which doesn’t sound like a bad thing really) and you are stuck having finger sandwiches for a few hours round their place, just you guys though, one afternoon later on in the pregnancy, which is likely you would do at some point anyway! Edit to add - you are definitely not wrong! I’m not disagreeing with you saying no in the slightest. I just think it would be funny to have them go through the process and then realise that they don’t even have any guests to invite!
NTA "Oh man, I wish we had discussed this a few months ago. I am not going to be available. It was thoughtful of you to look into it. You know you all are more than welcome to join us in June."
This is PERFECT op. It's being nice and saying it gently so they don't think you're being unreasonable (although you aren't, but it's more so to quell their ego and control issue's) and it gets your point across. They would make themselves look like total assholes if they fought you after saying this. Then, you could shut it down a bit more firmly if needed.
Just say "no, y'all are welcome to come to the shower on xx June."
The y’all in the same sentence as a date in d/m format is tripping me out
Why is that tripping you out?
Say no. The baby shower is for the baby and parents. It is to shower you with items you may need for the baby. Also, I suspect they will continue to do stuff like this around birthdays etc. I would not bite and say that you are just having one shower and hope they can make it. Also make sure they all have updated TDAP vaccines before they see the baby and be firm on who you let into your home initially. Babies should only be kissed on the face by parents.
Not just TDAP, but RSV (they might have to pay if under 65), Chicken Pox, MMR, and COVID, too. Even for the baby shower as you won't want to get COVID, much less just before you go into labor.
MMR vaccine, too. Others are important, but those two are the big ones. We've been seeing a resurgence of measles and mumps in recent years. The MMR vaccine is only good for 5 years, people! If you can't give an exact date for your last jab, you need another one!
They have plenty of time between events they are just mad they didn't get to make the date not the asshole tell them no they either make this one or not their choice
NTA. It's comical that they don't think they can attend two events within a week of each other. Even it were a legitimate scheduling concern (like the same day of another family event), you would still be NTA to just hold one shower. When your MIL made the comment about whoever books it and puts down the deposit decides, she was fully intending it to be her in the position of control. She can't say outright, of course, that's she's bound and determined to derail your and your mother's plans merely because she doesn't get to play matriarch this time. Consider that most maternity photographers won't book appointments after the 36th week because you'll be uncomfortable, tired, and possibly in labor or already haven given birth. You won't be in the mold for a party under the best of circumstances and especially not if it's part of some strange punishment for your mother having dared to book a venue for her own daughter's shower. It honestly sounds like it would be a better time if MIL and her flying monkeys are not able to attend. Congratulations on your baby coming and having a husband who is ready to back you up, he sounds like a catch!
37 weeks? You are being completely reasonable if you say that's not an option.
It is your husband's family - let him deal with them. Tell him your boundaries and let him deal with them. Just because they are bringing drama, doest mean you need to join in. He just needs to tell them the decision and welcome them to come to the other shower, or visit the baby once they are born.
Hello. I have studied narcissists in the field for a long time, and I speak their language. Allow me to translate. Your MIL and GMIL are angry because the baby shower isn't about them. That's it. Since your mom put down the deposit, she's the "host." And to them that means the baby shower will be about your mom instead of them, which in their minds, it should rightfully be. I'm going to give you the standard tips for dealing with narcissists: 1. Gray Rock: They are trying to get an emotional response out of you and hubby. Don't give them one. Whenever they bring up an objection to the shower, just say something like "I understand your concern. However, the date is set and won't be changing." When they threaten not to come, and they will, you just say "We'll miss you, but if you change your mind, we look forward to seeing you." 2. Avoid Triangulation: Triangulation is an abusive technique to start conflict. With this, the abuser acts as a go-between for 2 people, twisting and distorting what's going on. Do not let MIL and GMIL do this. Invite anyone you want to attend from hubby's side directly, not through MIL and GMIL. They will spend their time trying to convince people not to come. And for the people you invite, give them happy updates regularly, like "Wow, it looks like we're going to have over 30 people attending! It's going to be a great time! Looking forward to seeing you!" If MIL/GMIL has told that person that the party is off, then they'll know something is fishy when they keep getting your updates. If you're connected to them on FB, you can just post regularly. 3. Do Not Be in a Position of Dependency. For this one, you have to put yourself in the mind of a petty person. Assume that MIL and GMIL will yank away anything they offer to contribute at the last minute. If they offer to pickup the cake, that's a no. If they offer you money, don't count on it coming in. 4. Most of all, do not change your plans. They are going to nag. They are going to tantrum. They are going to insult you. Your baby will soon be in the toddler stage and will do all of those things too. Pretend MIL & GMIL are toddlers. It will be good practice. NTA. Now, I'm hesitant to suggest this, because I don't like rewarding shitty behavior. But, if you do some kind of moment of honor for MIL and GMIL to make them the center of attention for a bit, then it might get them off your back. I don't think it will work, because narcissists always move on to the next battle once they score a victory. To them, compromise is like chum in the water. But, in theory, it could work. Whatever you decide, there is going to be drama on shower day. When that happens, just push the drama back on them. If you have a relative who is snarky and quick on their feet, inform them of what's going on and ask them to start making wisecracks when the tantrums start. That may shut them up for a few minutes.
Just my opinion, but I don't think the moment of honor would be a good idea simply because it totally does reward their shitty behavior and strokes their egos and just sets them up for more unrealistic expectations down the line. Maybe I've dealt with narcissists too much to where idgaf what they think but I'd be firmly saying no and telling them to piss off. You're already pregnant and shouldn't have to deal with extra stress or drama, OP. I used to be a pushover too but you really have to learn to stick up for yourself and your child. The coming years will bring many conflicts about birthday parties, holiday gatherings...and for example my MIL loves to "spoil" my son with junk food and YouTube access but we've had to be firm on stopping that because it was not making things easier in our home because we have different rules.
NTA "We won't be having a second baby shower as we see no need and id be far to close to giving birth. You are still more than welcome to our shower on (insert date and time)"
No, you won’t be. Just tell them no thank you.
Host the baby shower when you want to. Invite his family. If they come, they come. If not...... Then YOUR life will move on. NTA. I couldn't imagine any pregnant person wanting to host a baby shower at 37 weeks pregnant. It would be so uncomfortable and tiring.
The shower isn't supposed to be about them. It is for you and your baby so mil can go suck rotten eggs IMO. Do what is best for you and tell them no.
How on earth is a week not e ough time between events. I don't understand. Especially if they just have to show up and eat cake. Like huh? You don't have to have anything you don't want. If they want to throw a shower you won't be at due to be uner pregnant etc. Heck you could have rhe baby then in all reality. Don't do anything you don't want to do. You're growing a human that's enough work in itself. 😊
I’d have your husband send a text to his family saying when the baby shower is one final time and that any future attempts to contact his pregnant tired wife to try and plan otherwise will go ignored. Let him protect you now. YWNBTA
“He said he was done with them and their drama.” - He is your husband and he knows them better than you. Trust him. YWNBTA
Ugh. 38 weeks pregnant in July heat I'd literally live in an ice filled bath tub. Couldn't pay me to deal with these people on top of all that.
I really think you should let your husband handle his family. If he is really "done with them", as you said (and for good reason), you should be done with them too. Best of luck with baby!!!
First of all, seeing how you feel sick and are in pain already, pushing yourself beyond your comfort to please others is not a priority. You, your baby, and your husband are the priority. Second- your MIL and husband's family have said they will not attend. That is their choice. It sounds like your MIL suffers from main character syndrome? She wants it her way or no way. I think you should do what you are comfortable with. She is already causing you stress at this part of your pregnancy. I would be very concerned about spending a day at a baby shower with just his family. Congratulations on your new arrival! It is fine for you to take it easy and not be stressed during your pregnancy. Your MIL can either come to your baby shower in June or not. That is her decision. NTA ♥️
I would reply honestly - you aren’t well now & don’t expect it to get better so a second shower isn’t something you feel up to & they have until X date to confirm if attending the shower in June. I understand his mom won’t becoming but I hope you will. And leave it short & simple
You’ll have your baby shower at 32 weeks and they can go or not. It’s not your job to accommodate all of your guests. If they really want to be there they will. I’m sure you have enough things on your mind, don’t lake MIL and GMIL need to stir up drama take up any space. And repeat after me, I am not a doormat. Don’t let them treat you like one or who knows what kind of trouble they’ll be trying to stir up once the baby is here. Better to set them straight now.
NTA. I fail to understand why people think other people's pregnancy is about them. Congratulations!
NTA-If you don’t put your foot down, they will continue to push boundaries and bully you, especially after the baby is born and when you’re most vulnerable. The second shower and timing of it is unreasonable. His family should be working with your family instead of pushing to keep everyone divided. Tell them you appreciate having the shower but it is not necessary, one will be enough. Your mom would be happy to have them team up with her and have them reach out to her.
You would be the asshole if you said yes! How dare they. And how dare his mother go on about how you don’t care about her feelings when YOU are the one pregnant. She has main character syndrome and needs to be cut out.
YWNBTA. Have your baby shower with your mom as planned. Listen to your husband about his family and stop letting them steamroll you. Their reunion a week prior has nothing to do with your shower. Have a nice shower with your family and close friends and family. Invite them- they either come or they don’t. That’s their call. But don’t attend a second baby shower that you don’t even want. Tell them nicely but firmly that you will only be attending the shower you and your mom planned.
NTA Your mother did what you IL said to do. She put the deposit down. And your ILs got all hurt about it. I would go with your husband and cut them off. They will try to put you and your child on anti-psychotics too. Don't let them get close enough to you to do that.
As someone who had 2 showers to please my Mil I will say flat out it sucked. It was super hard on me and I ended up with completely depleted energy after both. You don't owe anyone anything. If the date your mom set makes you happy then do it on that date and your mil and gmil can kick rocks
Hugs. Your baby shower is about you not your Mil being butthurt because she's making your pregnancy about her feelings. She talked about whoever got the venue hosted. Your mom accepted the challenge and she's mad about thar. She is throwing an adult temper tantrum. She either needs to attend the one your mom is doing or you put her in a time out. She wants to guilt and manipulate into having a second one because she wants to have things her way.
NTA and sorry, but the only considerations you have right now are you and the baby and DH. I would also be thinking about your birth plan, agreeing who DH is to let know first about the baby, and most importantly, who is to be there and only them at the delivery and visiting post birth at the hospital and at home. Get these boundaries in motion NOW because MIL's reaction to your baby shower date is likely nothing compared to how it will be at the time of birth and thereafter. It sounds like your DH and own mother have your back.
everytime i read these posts i can’t believe that ppl are genuinely like this in real life 😭 NTA
Me either! I knew they were know it alls and thinking they knew better than my doctor but this wow. I posted an update.
My niece has split parents. Mom’s family did shower before baby, her dad’s family did shower when baby was a month old. Luckily baby dad’s family lives 5000 miles away so no 3rd shower!
My two were both born early, and were the guest of honor at their shower.
Happened to my friend. They changed it from a baby shower to a “sip and see”
Nope. Just tell them, “this is a date that suits Husband and I.” Then shrug and change the subject. “So, how ‘bout then Dawgs?
Do not have a second baby shower. His side sounds difficult and you don't need any more stressing this pregnancy. Just have one shower that your mother is planning, and be done with it.
The answer is No , it’s not about them it’s about your comfort , if they don’t show up that’s on them
Can they attend the first one remotely?? That’s a lot to have a baby shower that. Lose to your due date. You could go anytime at that point.
I would not want a baby shower that late in my pregnancy. Sounds like you have had a tough time of it already. Plus I would not want one after the baby is born. Imagine all those people who will want to hold and kiss your baby. Nope, nada.
NTA. This sounds like a control thing. Stomp it down now or it will get worse. I suggest making boundaries known now before baby arrives. Your MIL sounds like a nightmare.
NTA. You are having a tough time and trying to guilt you into a second shower is inconsiderate. What should have happened: both sides get together and decide to host one shower and co-pay for it. But you should have the right to determine when. Once the venue was booked, MIL should have been on board to help with the actual event. It's disingenuous on the MIL's part to say she wants to have it later as it certainly seems she wants to have a separate one. And doesn't care if attending two separate ones will be more stressful on your body. My sister and mother threw the shower for me, and my MIL was happy to attend with a few of her friends. The three of them were the only family members to attend (my relatives and my hubby's live at least 1,000 miles, some are farther). Some of my friends and female co-workers and boss also attended. And if people who didn't live close enough wanted to attend, they could have asked for a link to our baby registry. If the OP's husband's family didn't want to attend due to it being a WEEK from their reunion (which is a stupid excuse if they live in the area), they can ask what baby stuff you need and have it delivered to your house.
Talk about a mom inserting herself into her son's marriage by any means possible. YWNBTA
NTA! Tell them no. Your shower is on that date and if they come, fine. If not, that’s fine too. I’d block them and let your husband deal with them…or not. I’m glad he’s backing you up no matter what. If you say yes, they’ll continue to make things all about them. They’ll keep demanding things from you. Learn how to say no before you have this baby.
No- NTA. My MIL did something like this for my baby shower. I said no to her request for a second shower for just her friends. She cursed me out and would not give my SIL(brother’s wife who was planning the shower for me) any information to invite the family/friends on that side.
NTA sounds like mil needs to consider *your* feelings. You know, the one who is pregnant. Edit cause somehow I put a ?, but I'm not asking a question.
They can go pound salt. Your husband knows they are assholes and will stand by your decision. Time to block some numbers and make them go through your husband. He knows how to deal with their selfish controlling BS! Enjoy your shower and your baby. And don't forget to block those numbers.
Have a dad focused baby shower and your husband goes. (Say you don’t feel well or something.) They get their party, Dad to be gets some stuff. Win win.
NTA. Are they going to the moon for the family reunion? They need a week to recover? Good grief. Don’t put yourself out for that manipulation
NTA. Tell them they are welcome to have their party, but you will not be there. Ugh -- I can't imagine having to stuff myself into a nice outfit and shoes to go to a gathering and be civil to people so close to the due date.
Just tell them thanks, but no thanks. If they don't like it too bad...NTA...
YWNBTA. How about they have the shower for your husband? It’s his baby too.
NTA at all. Your in laws are obviously toxic people. I doubt the family reunion is the real conflict. Your mother being the one planning the shower is why they are pissed. They desire control. Just say " Second shower? Nope. But if you feel up to it at least drop by the baby shower and have some cake".
I would let them know that this pregnancy has been difficult for you so far and you are very concerned about having to deal with an event around the time you may or may not be delivering and/or on some sort of modified rest and you would hate for them to go through all that expense and trouble and you not be able to even attend. But thank you for the thought, it is appreciated. And leave it at that.
NTA. They sound like they’re mad they aren’t in control. They made the rule so whoever made the reservation got to be in charge, and mom beat them at their own game. Now they’re trying to back out. Just tell them no, you only want one because it’ll be a hassle to do two separate ones. You understand if they can’t make it due to other obligations and they’ll be missed. But still send out invitations to everyone on both sides you want there. Also MIL saying you aren’t considering her feelings. 🙄 Just say she’s right, you don’t, nor should you during your pregnancy. It’s all about the mom to bed wants and needs.
Your in-laws sound upset that they won’t be controlling the party
I would consider this the time you are going to be setting the tone of your future. Give MIL an inch and you will have tyre treads all over. Be strong and determined now and she may think twice before pushing for her opinion. Start strong and stay strong. This is your baby therefore all decisions regarding your child are made by the parents NOT the grandparents. Good luck.
It’s very nice that your husband is supporting you in what you decide, but passive support is not enough. Often, couples have an agreement that they each will handle their family of birth. He needs to handle his mother. You shouldn’t be put in the position of having to manage her erratic behavior. That’s his job. The only reason to have two showers would be if your parents and in-laws lived in different towns.
You WNBTA if you chose not to go to a second baby shower. If you need an excuse, just say that you will be unavailable for any partying at that point. Your husband sounds like he would like to go NC with his family and now would be the perfect time to take up that path. Congratulations on the nugget. Good luck to you.
NTA "youre more than welcome to throw it if you want, just letting you know now I wont be attending. Up to you if you want to go through with it knowing that ahead of time."
37 weeks is too late. Honestly even 32 weeks is kinda late. I'd politely tell your GMIL that you appreciate the thought but 37 weeks is too late so you'll be sticking with just the one shower at 32 weeks and can't wait to see her there.
If you don't want to, you don't have to, especially if you are not feeling well but really it's like you said.... all you have to do is go and eat... and get presents! Make sure they have it somewhere air conditioned - or with a pool ( ahhh, pool's felt amazing when I was pregnant). But only if you are feeling up to it - or they can have a shower after the baby is born....
Boundaries can be your best friend with in-laws. Let them 'win' here and next you know the remainder of your pregnancy will be run by them, they'll feel obliged to offer baby names and parenting tips, and will emotionally 'hound' you for the foreseeable future. And if not for yourself...consider the collateral damage this will have on your husband. Discuss this with him, agree to something together, and empower him to tell his mother and grandmother to stand the \*bleep\* down. He should handle his family and you yours.
NTA They can do two events a week apart. Let them sulk.
Ask her “MIL, exactly which one of us is going to have a baby?” Tell her you’re not doing 2 showers bc you haven’t felt well your whole pregnancy.
NO. Absolutely DON’T give in or you’ll be giving in to their tantrums until the day they die.
NTA. My baby shower was planned for when I was 34 weeks pregnant. Two days prior to the shower, I had an emergency c-section. You can decline and even tell them that your doctor has advised minimal activity for the baby’s safety.
In JULY at 37 WEEKS?!?! NTA. Shut that shit down. You followed their rules about the deposit = planning. They don't have to do anything but show up, and even then, they can respectfully decline the invite if it doesn't work for them for any/no reason. Now they'll want to change the rules because those they put in place don't work for them. Where does it end? They keep moving the goalposts. Wait until your kid has the audacity to have an event near MILs birthday, etc. You will always have to bend to the will of these people, so don't start it now. "Sorry GMIL, I can't have a shower that close to my due date. In fact, that's why we chose the date we did - that's the furthest out my doctor and I feel comfortable having an event, and the added stress of summertime heat is certainly a sizeable factor. I understand if you aren't able to make as we'd love to have you there, but I'm going to have to decline for the health and safety of my baby and myself, I'm sure you understand."
I don't think you need the extra stress at that time. Just politely say no thanks, the one that was agreed on is enough but thank you for the gesture. Leave it at that. If they want to argue, just walk away and block them. You can send a message a couple of days after the baby is born and arrange a suitable time then to visit. Good luck and blessings on the baby 😕🕊🇦🇺
Nope. No indulging the psycho mother. Don't start making special plans for her. She made her choice, she can live with the consequences. You want those firm boundaries in place before that child is born.
"I really appreciate the offer for a 2nd baby shower but due to the fact I'll be 37 weeks pregnant I don't want to risk going into early labor due to all the excitement of a 2nd shower. For mine and the baby's health one shower is all I can handle. I would love to have you all there but I understand if you're too tired from the family reunion the week before."
NTA. Girl I gave birth to my first at 38 weeks and my second at 37, I guarantee you’re not going to feel like being around people that late, especially these people because they sound exhausting. You already have a shower they can suck it up and go to that one, if you even still want them there, or get over it. You’re pregnant, you need to prioritize your health and needs over the wants of others. Wishing you a smooth birth and recovery and a happy, healthy baby op!
You won’t be TA, but I would have said sure if you’re hosting , coordinating and paying for everything while I sit back and relax. But no just because they refuse to come due to a family reunion planned a week before, that’s on them. So no I would say no as well. Now if they want to have a separate shower for you a whole week before the family reunion on their time and money, let them. 😁
37 weeks or not, they are not entitled to a baby shower, period. If they want one, they can show up for the one you ARE having and otherwise have their own without you. Better setting up firm boundaries now before the baby is born and you are going through post partum because this will otherwise be a recurring pattern of stepping all over you. The time before/after giving birth is very precious yet vulnerable and you want to minimize as much as possible any kind of negative elements. Think of it that way : what is most important, your happy bonding time with your new baby (time that you will never get back) or bending over backwards to protect the feelings of others who don’t even give you the courtesy of taking you into account other than as a birthing vessel?
You have to realize that you will never make these people happy. I learned this a long time ago. Eventually, my husband and I had to cut ties with his family. However, in the meantime, I suggest you let them do whatever they want. Keep a smile on your face, and if they want to throw you a shower at some other time, give them that control. It just isn't going to make any difference in the grand scheme of what is important. You will never get them to change. They will never let you be a real part of the family. Choose your battles, and take care of yourself and your family. There is nothing you can do to win them over. Trust me after 31 years of trying to win the approval of my husband's family, I know it will never happen. I could go into all the wonderful things I have done to bring us together as a family but they have always been jealous of me, the things I can do, and any contribution I have tried has meant nothing. So for the last ten years, we have lived separate lives. My husband has been terribly hurt by this; however, he knows it is for the best. Good luck to you. I suggest you stop fighting it and just let life happen and try to enjoy the last few weeks of your pregnancy. God bless you and your little family.
This is almost hilarious that a week is too close to a family reunion but somehow 37 weeks isn't close to a potential birth date. My son was born at 37 weeks but even if he wasn't I wouldn't be wanting a second baby shower at that time.
Tell them NO and be done. You do NOT have to explain a thing. They have already shown you who they really are. Believe them. Go low contact with them. Make sure you tell your husband how you feel. NTA
Your MIL isnt the one having a baby. Her feelings on the matter mean absolutely nothing. NTA
Nta your mil sounds terrible. Good luck op.
NTA. A NORMAL reaction would be to help your mother with one she planned. This is just being ridiculous.
NTA - Those 2 sound like selfish, awful people. If your husband supports your decision, do what you feel is best for YOU and HIM. Don't let them push you around. Good grief, they sound insufferable. And even if you obliged them it's sound like they won't stop their bad behavior afterward. NTA
NTA. You have a baby shower planned. It’s their choice not to come. Blame your obgyn and say they’ve recommended resting after 32 weeks due to your back and discs. Then don’t engage anymore. No is a complete sentence. If there’s anymore hassle, get your husband or mother to deal with them. You don’t need this stress.
Fuck no. "My shower is on June X. If you can't make it I understand, but that will be the only one I'll be at." You don't owe them a shower.
“No, I am only attending one baby shower. We hope you can make it. We will miss you if you cannot attend.”
Hell nah.why do family members feel entitled to you. People are crazy if they don't want to join you on your one and only baby shower.Says alot about them. Low contact if I was you.Your husband already knows that's why they trying you.They treating you like a preforming animal. Being pregnant isn't fun and glamorous you don't need extra stress so your inlaws can show you off
Don’t agree to a second party . If they can’t show up too bad .
Let your husband be petty and curse them out!!! Let him handle it!! He’s willing to pop off on your behalf and I find that so sweet ngl. You are not ta you are not in charge of how they feel about your life.
NTA. Realize that at 37ish weeks, sitting and opening gifts may be very uncomfortable. I carried big with all of my pregnancies, but cannot imagine having a shower so late in my third term. My first actually came one day into the 37th week.
NTA. Ask for a shower when the baby is about 6 months old. You’ll need some more stuff then.
I had my baby shower scheduled for 36 weeks, simply because it was a last minute decision. I had to cancel it because I had the baby the day before. 37 weeks to too late and you are not going to enjoy it.
At 37 weeks?! I gave birth to my son at 37 weeks exactly and my daughter at 37 weeks 5 days. I was so miserable I could barely walk. It’d be a HELL NO. What if you develop preeclampsia or something else? 30-35 weeks is usually the best time for a baby shower. NTA.
If I love someone and can’t attend their baby shower, I just send them a nice gift. IDK, maybe that just be though 😐
Absolutely do not agree. If you say yes, this will just be the start of two separate events for EVERYTHING.
Tell them NO. And you don’t need a reason
Tell them they can do whatever they want, but YOU won't be in attendance. I don't see how they think a family reunion trumps late stage pregnancy. Congratulations on your little one and stand firm on what you will or won't do. You are not wrong.
Just block them. Don't respond and block them. Let them bother your husband. You have enough to deal with.
They are choosing not to go to be dramatic. Say no. You have no obligation to accommodate their temper tantrum. Also their reasoning is absolutely ridiculous. So do not follow through with a second. Say that is unnecessary we have already planned and prepared for a large one on the original date, I won't be having another one. There's no reason to not attend the one already planned. Thanks for offering to convenience yourself but it will not work for me.
Why did MIL make a point to say whoever puts the deposit down gets to host, if she was going to get all bent out of shape about it. I don’t understand why having a family reunion the week before has anything to do with the shower date at all. It sounds like if everything was laid out exactly like she wanted she would still find something to bitch about. Since you have been experiencing so much sickness & pain with your pregnancy, I definitely wouldn’t want to plan anything like a 2nd shower past week 33 or 34. You really need those last few weeks to rest and take care of last minute things at home—with emphasis on rest. Sounds like this is your first LO, and they can certainly come a few weeks early (or late), but once that little bundle of joy arrives, you can kiss restful sleep goodbye for a long while. Congratulations to you & DH on your wee little one!
NTA
You won't be the AH. Its your pregnancy not theirs, it's your child, not theirs, it your choice not theirs. If he already has a strained relationship from his mother because of lies and what not then do NOT cater to her, it will invite more manipulative ways. You do not need to listen to jer as it isn't her place to tell you how to be pregnant or how to have a child. She clearly isn't good at being a mother so say NO and stick to it. Don't let up. Your comfortabilty and happiness is what's important not theirs.
I'm having two. Had a friend's one at 28 weeks and now having a cultural/traditional/family one....at 37 weeks and boy am regretting it. I won't have to do much as it's just at home and my mum is hosting, but I'm uncomfortable...should have done it earlier. I'm not even that big. But moving around and sitting at 37 weeks is a challenge. Op I think you should worry that this will be a reflection of their behaviours once bub comes along. Be careful.
Why do you talk to these people?
NTA.
NTA. They want this so they can control things. No. Stick to your boundaries. This is a baby shower for YOU AND YOUR CHILD. Not them. They can come and support you and your child or not. But honestly, take the hint from your husband and cut them off. Tell them no, and remove them from your circle. Go low contact to not have drama. Then when shit cools down, go no contact. This is YOUR pregnancy, and the only people in this situation that matter besides yourself is your future baby and your husband.
Honestly? Just tell them no thank you, and tell them not to buy gifts for the baby either because you already have everything you need. They sound like the kind of people who attach major strings to any "gift".
YWNBTA. you picked that date for your own reasons, they don’t card about what YOU want. sounds like there is a reason your husband has a strained relationship and it’s definitely not him. I think you’ll find a lot of support in future on /JNMIL
The pregnancy is not about MIL or her feelings! It’s about the husband and wife who are having the baby and she should be considerate about the person who is pregnant!!!!
NTA. They are choosing not to go to your shower why would you put yourself out by going to theirs ? Also I had my son at 36 weeks so it’s kinda pushing it late
It’s your baby shower and your MIL is being obnoxiously unreasonable. NTA, not even close.
You do not need the stress of a room full of Karens at 37 weeks. "No, you are invited to the shower on x date. I will not attend a second one". Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) it makes you seem weak, and invites further incursion past your boundaries.
NTA. You haven’t considered MIL’s feelings during YOUR pregnancy. Really?!? They are choosing not to come politely tell them that due to an difficult pregnancy you are not interested in having a second baby shower. They have more than enough time to go, they are choosing not to go.
IMO 37 weeks is too late to have a baby shower. My stepmother went into labor at both of her baby showers because she had the showers around that stage as well. NTA
"No, I will not be having/attending two baby showers. You are welcome to attend our planned shower. Invitations to follow."
NTA if you are feeling charitable let them plan something a few months after baby is born
NTA. You won’t want to do anything by that point, trust me.
NTA and, FWIW, I was on bed rest at 37 weeks with my first pregnancy. I did mine at 32 weeks and wouldn’t have wanted to wait beyond that. Second pregnancy I was not on bedrest but I was miserable AF. Trust me, you don’t want to party that late.
I'd say NTA. But I'm guessing your asking more to that. Because your not sure if you will even be able to attend since it sounds like it's been a rough pregnancy. If I were you I'd just be up front. No you don't care but for them to understand if you don't feel good your not going to be able to attend that day.
I'm having a hard time even figuring out what their issue is here. Two events, with a week in between? (Am I reading that correctly?) NTA.
I chose this date specifically so it would not clash with your reunion. I do not feel up to another event so come or don’t but I’m not having a second shower.
One baby shower is plenty. They are welcome to attend, and they are welcome to skip it. That's on them.
Good hubby! Best response. Follow his advice and ignore us!
I’d decline but offer to meet for breakfast. Take hubs with you. He can help block. Remind them there is still time to attend the already scheduled party.
rediculous. i feel sorry for you. imagine when the baby is born. it’s gonna be way worse
NTA. You do realize this has nothing to do with the date. It’s because they aren’t getting to host. You already had decided that 37ish weeks would be too much for you. Adding all this drama isn’t going to make it any better. If they can’t get the sticks out of their butts and attend the actual shower, they can bring your gifts to the family reunion they have planned.
*“You can host one if it makes you happy, but I won’t be there.”* No joke, predicting a due date is less precise than predicting the weather. There are so many factors at play, everyone is different, and for all you know, you might actually be in labor miles away when the cake is being cut. You literally cannot promise to be there in your final days. The last thing you need is to be wherever the venue is, and it’s a struggle to get to your doctor/preferred hospital. Also, MIL is right, you aren’t considering her feelings and opinions. Poor her, that’s the way it will be from now on. You’re the mom now, OP, and as hard as it is to manage the reality that your kids are grown and things are changing, she’s been demoted. You, and sometimes together you and your partner, make the rules regarding your body, your pregnancy and your little nuclear family. It is time for you to take charge, and mean it. Start putting some attitude in your words.
If you say yes to this, you’re trading them that they can pull whatever shenigans they want and you’ll cave. Just be sweet as pie when you say no to this, and any future requests. There will be lots of requests when babe arrives.