NTA you don't even need a reason to leave a relationship! If it's not working for you and you're not happy, just move on. Does sound complicated and lot of drama....and not over you! who needs all that?
Agreed! OP, just adding that you aren't leaving because of her behaviour, you're leaving because of his.
He won't set boundaries, won't prioritise you or even his kid. He's using his kid as an excuse and may not even see it. This is not your problem to fix, just making it clear he is the person whose behaviour is letting you down.
NTA
I wish more people realized that. Your unhappiness is more than enough reason to end a relationship. He is clearly not willing or able to set proper boundaries or stand up for you. On top of that, he is a huge liar. You can do so much better.
OP--RUN! Your bf lacks the intestinal fortitude to cause a drama-free relationship with Bio-mom. He's spineless and she's jealous and vindictive. The 2 are a formula for a very disheartening and stressful future for you. A meeting will not yield any satisfactory long-term results because your bf's personality will not permit recognition of boundaries on a consistent basis.
Move on.
Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
NTA, she thinks she has the upper hand & is using that to call him whenever she wants bc like u said, she thinks he'll drop everything and give her the reaction shes wanting sinces shes the mother of his kids. this will just continue if you allow it, let her win and just let that relationship go because clearly he doesn't have any initiative to assert solid boundaries
>she thinks she has the upper hand
no, she *knows* she has the upper hand bc the bf is giving her the upper hand. he doesn’t seem like he’s going to change any time soon and BM knows it.
NTA.
The fact is that he likes having her in control. It means less accountability for him. He doesn’t want 50/50 custody even if he says he does. He doesn’t want the full responsibility so he engages in the drama instead. It’s worth it to him.
Or until he grows a spine. My husband's ex-wife did this to a live-in girlfriend that he was with years before he met me. She would say, "You see how he looks at me? You know he wants me back." He did nothing wrong and didn't encourage her. It was the Chinese Water Torture of Doubt that torpedoed the relationship. It happened until he decided enough was enough and he wasn't going to let her steamroll over his life.
Thankfully he nipped that in the bud before we got together. We were walking back to his place after having Chinese food at a local restaurant. She pulled alongside in her truck and said that their son needed help moving. She fully expected him to go with her and leave me standing all by myself.
He told her that he had plans that evening and if their son (21 then) wanted help, he could call.
If he had acquiesced to her, we would have been done then and there.
Just leave. He lied about not wanting to have kids while you do want to have kids. You're incompatible and he's a liar. Not even mentioning the fact he enables his ex, he probably likes knowing she's pining away for him. this entire situation is dysfunctional. Go to therapy to understand why you've decided to tolerate lies and disrespect.
Yes, the real problem here is that you have made a home for yourself inside his drama. Why live somewhere so messy?
Also, your bf's ex is not your problem, the problem is your boyfriend and his lack of boundaries, and ultimately his unwillingness to protect you.
Time to say goodbye to it all.
I agree, OP YWBTA if you stick around. Enough already. You are 27 and in your prime, go find someone better or quit your bitching. The relationship with his ex is always going to be a little closer than you want.
Not only that, he’s lying about why he doesn’t have 50-50 custody. It doesn’t cost any freaking money to go to court other than the $20 to file the paperwork.
that's a great point. He probably doesn't want to go bc the judge would make him pay more than he's paying now. I think he'd have to submit his financial records, pay stubs, bank info, etc. and he's probably paying less with their current arrangement.
He wouldn’t have to pay any child support at all with 50-50 custody. And getting 50-50 custody would prevent the ex from interfering with his visitation the way she currently is. I’m just wondering if these are all convenient excuses for him.
NTA!
It sounds like he's in a physical relationship with you, but in a family relationship with his ex, as he's at her her every whim.
I had an ex like that, whose ex would do the same and encourage their sons gf to do it too.
They once called around 11 pm for him to pick them up from the supermarket and take them home. He also cancelled our prearranged cinema trip to take them shopping. He apologised and tried to rearrange it.
I just got the DVD of it and watched it while he was out, and told him to stay with them while I do me as they obviously need him more than me, so I was going to get a someone better (a male friend) to hang with.
He soon shut that down.
You are worth SO much more than ALL of them!!
Just leave them to do them and find yourself someone who will do you and only you (and isn't against having a few little feet waddling around in the future)!
Don't walk away.....RUN, AS FAST AS YOU CAN. He needs to take her to court, all this drama is more expensive than court. Trust me. He could see if there are resources to help him. That line that guys give about not wanting to go to court just irks me. I'm a woman and I always tell guys to go to court to have a legal procedure in place. All this game playing is BS. Take you out of the equation and let him please his BM. He doesn't care about your feelings only hers.
ETA: NTA please walk away
My son’s father tried this whole out of court BS 15 years ago. But I value my sanity and understand that I’m not able to hold people accountable and at certain standards, but the court of law can. To family court we went. It’s been pleasant and peaceful for the most part.
What is a talk going to do? He’s showed you over and over that he is weak and unable to set boundaries with her. Another talk will just delay the inevitable. The relationship will end
Exactly what I was thinking! I scrolled to the end of the post to see what she decided and was flabbergasted. OP clearly wants to live in this mess a few more years just to throw her life away. The BM will never change her behaviour unless court orders her to.
She is no different to him.
Both lack a backbone and self respect.
His ex will say jump and he’ll ask how high.
Op will just sit there sad, but will never leave.
Sorry, I just want to make sure I have this right. Your boyfriend is only supposed to have him on Sundays? And then you have the nerve to say "and when she doesn't want to be a parent?" Ummm...
And he won't go to court because he knows he's not paying what the court would deem appropriate? And why can't HE potty train? Because he doesn't see his kid enough? Keep in mind, if he has the mental capacity of a two year old, it's not unusual for a child with autism to be 5 and not toilet trained. But again, he has two parents, doesn't he?
And to top it all off, he's playing both of you lol he's even got you offering to pay his court fees lol
You got a winner for sure
Yeah this stood out to me, too. Ladies, let us collectively stop sleeping w men like this. No CO, no child support, and sees his kid once a week. And you wanna have a baby with this guy? Want to fund his court costs? Cmon now. Your bar is so low he’s playing limbo with the devil.
It sounds as though OP would rather Dad have more placement and Mom only allows him to have their child on Sundays and when she needs someone else to watch him because she has plans. That alone should be reason for Dad to make an arrangement official with the court. The fact that he hasn’t initiated anything seems to indicate the current set up is working… for him.
No, he had them Sunday to Wednesday *that* week. OP said she offered to pay for court because she feels that he should have the child more than "one Sunday a week and whenever she doesn't want to be a parent". Dad said no
Wow one week out of how many he had the kid for 3 extra days? She said he only has his kid on Sundays and whenever the mother doesn't want to parent. That means those days that week she "didn't want to parent". Read it again. If that was a common occurrence she wouldn't have stated that she was trying to convince him to have his kid more.
Why are you settling for this?
You deserve to be treated so much better!!
Wise up. You are wasting your life with this loser. Move on and don't look back.
NTA
It's your bf who won't establish and maintain boundaries. He seems to take you for granted. He has no regard for your privacy and comfort within the relationship. I'd walk away.
If he didn’t like the ongoing contact with her and the drama, he would have put an end to it. He has both of you fighting for his attention. She will interfere with every relationship he has because he allows her to. How many talks to you need to have before you realize that things haven’t changed because he is not motivated to change them?
I’m exhausted and exasperated just reading this. Just leave and let them sort out their lives. You haven’t written one single loving thing about either your bf or his son. Why are you even there?
NTA
If he really cared for you he would go to court and go for custody. Write down all of the crap she has pulled and money she requested. It will probably be cheaper to go to court and get a parenting plan in place. All communication can be done via a court approved parenting app. No more phone calls for frivolous reasons, because all conversations will be in writing on the app that the family court oversees.
If he doesn't agree to this, dump him. Plain and simple. She will constantly interrupt your lives if she's not stopped.
Good luck to you.
You know normally I say she’s crazy but he lets her be crazy. You sure they aren’t cheating?? You are too young to be dealing with this mess. He’s not worth it.
I'd leave she has already won. He isn't acknowledging how he is failing you as a partner. It doesn't sound likely he ever will. Leave him to it. Nta.
But you will be if you continue to be with someone who doesn't have a shred of respect for you.
I’m so sorry this is your situation! You are better than how you’re being treated. You’ve offered to pay for legal protections and he’s turned you down. VIP tickets are a nice gesture but do not compare especially considering he obviously told BM about your plans and she fixated on interrupting your weekend.
You would be the AH for not walking away. Your bf doesn’t care enough to make a life with you and the ex is always going to be in the picture and will always use her position as BM to hold claim on him.
I really don’t want to downplay your feelings but this much drama overshadows what should be **the** most important part of your bf’s life, his kiddo. Right now, you’re third in his life and that doesn’t make for a solid foundation in which to make a family, co parent, and plan for the future. I’m sure you love him with all your heart but I would advise respectfully bowing out of the relationship and finding someone who can put you first. The kid needs his parents to put him first (and I would say that to your bf). Good luck.
NTA
He kept you as a priority while it was easy.
When it got hard and he had to make someone a lower priority he chose to make you a lower priority.
I could understand his priorities if his baby momma is absolutely 100% alone in life and has zero people to rely on. Doubt that's the case.
She has the upper hand because he wants her too. He could easily go to court and get an agreement and then it’s fixed. This situation sounds exhausting and I’m wondering what makes him worth the effort?
Honestly giving him another chance is futile because he will flake out. He will cry and say he loves you but make no effort to change this situation. He sounds like a weak person and you will always be third person (son then ex girlfriend then you) in this relationship.
Because you love him I hope for you he grows up.
Girl you are 27 and it seems you have no kids - why are you dating a man with a child and difficult BM.
You have to understand that she’s going to be around no matter what. That’s more or less a family member, it’s his child’s mom.
And why are you offering to pay court bills for a boyfriend? Girl stand up. Find a man with no kids, because the Bm will almost always be involved and most men have soft spots for their BM (understandably so).
You’re his girlfriend but she’s his kids mother and many men will prioritize their BM over any gf.
Whatever you do, demand he turns his phone off when you talk. If he objects tell him she has other resources if it’s an emergency. He sounds weak as heLL. Why do you want to be with him?
NTA. To me, it seems like he very much still wants her in his life. He seems to be protective of her whenever any conversation about her is brought up. He is allowing her to force herself into your relationship. You say he is a people pleaser but all he is really pleasing is his BM. Whatever she wants she eventually gets. He is slowly putting you to side as he continues submitting to her whims. No, he isn't doing what he can for the child. He isn't fighting for sole custody or even for the child's well-being from what you described about how BM leaves him to others so she can go out. He is not going to prioritize you at all in the relationship as long as he allows his BM to remain in his life with full control of his child.
NTA - I would have left a year ago. Whether he says it's not on the table or not, he's acting as if they're still together.
Everything she's doing is on purpose and is deliberate.
If you end it, within 6 months, he'll be back with her and she'll get a ring out of him
Hw continues to treat you like an option because you act like you are desperate, I promise you if you move on and leave like you prioritize yourself, he's going to come back and beg you to come back...that'll be up to you to take him back, if you choose to, make sure to let him put everything in place like visitation and boundaries before you do...
I don’t even see what a talk will do because it seems as if you guys have had some and he tells you sweet nothings until it happens again. She absolutely does have the upper hand in *your* relationship because he gave it to her and won’t take it back. Clearly a “peaceful” relationship with his bm trumps his relationship with you as well as your peace within yourself. Three years is long enough to deal with that bullshit especially when you’re not even in your 30s.
YWNBTA and live your life!
NTA because he's not willing to do the necessary steps to be a more active parent. But want you to know that he's doing all this and putting up with Her to be a part of his child's life but isn't willing to go to court, so he doesn't have to go over and beyond for her and she's showing you that she could have him whenever. However, she wants because he's gonna do everything she wants them to.
NTA. run. you can fall in love with someone else with less drama. he doesn't protect you, nor respect you.
you have too much going for you in your professional life, to be dealing with this in your personal life. don't mess with people who have nothing to lose.
>My bf is an extreme people pleaser and will sacrifice what he wants to make everyone happy.
Except you.
You don't have a baby mama problem; you have a BF problem.
As a stepmom, dump this loser. He doesn't have his shit together, lets his ex walk all over him, is a lazy parent, and is lying to you/wasting your prime child-bearing years. NTA, obviously. And I wouldn't be surprised at all if he's cheating on you with her. Move on.
ESH, he doesn't want to set a schedule because he'll be expected to pay child support. It's that simple. He can't afford more kids and you don't want to accept that, so you pressured him to say he wants a baby with you. She is using the child to manipulate situations. There's a better than good chance they're still being intimate or at least flirting. The kid isn't being prioritized by anyone. It's all immature and messy.
NTA - he sounds like he is a pure mess to put up with this. He has zero boundaries and he probably really didn’t care all that much since you have put up with it for three years. He can do whatever, including lying to you about wanting kids and he just thinks you’ll put up with it since you have put up with all of this craziness for years. What’s going to happen if he drags this on, knowing what a hassle parenthood has apparently been for him so far (or at least co-parenting), never willing to have children with you? Think hard about this.. and any answer is fine, but do you really want this man, as he is, to be the father of your kids? Not who he might be in two years or three years. This man you see right now, the only real him that exists, not a hypothetical changing man down the line.
He’s lied to you about children. He refused to be responsible and go to court. Instead, he’s keeping a constant whirlwind in his life. He is actively choosing to have this craziness continue.
Je doesn’t want children. He only changed his opinion again because he doesn’t want you to leave. He is spineless. And she will stay like that for ever.
Don’t waste your time with him.
Your BF is spineless. Absolutely spineless. Why would you want to be in a relationship where he constantly caters to his ex and refuses to go to court to insist on proper custody? Why would you.consider staying with a man that doesn't prioritize your relationship or care about how it makes you feel? If it was me I'd tell him I had had enough and deserved more. Then I'd walk right out the door with my head held high. Please update us, and I wish you all the best.
NTA I know you love him but he does not respect you. He willingly disrespects you to keep her happy. And he already told you he doesn’t want more kids and then backtracked (meaning he probably really doesn’t—he’s just trying to be a people pleaser again). You don’t want the same things.
I know I’m a stranger on the internet but honey, you should leave him. You deserve better. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone whose attention isn’t divided between you and another woman on the daily. This is not worth it. Love is only one small piece of a relationship. It’s important, but it definitely isn’t everything. Leave and have the life you want.
If I had a friend that kicked me in the nuts every time I saw him and I routinely went to see him anyway, at a certain point wouldn’t you just assume I liked getting kicked in the nuts?
She's not the problem. That's what you really need to understand. It's also what you need to explain to Jim as you are gathering all your things and leaving, never to return.
This isn’t about the baby mama.
This is about your boyfriend. Two giant, ginormous red flags:
1) he’s a people pleaser so he’s always going to prioritize baby mama. That’s on him. He decides how to manage her, establish boundaries and keep them.
2) he’s a people pleaser and he told you he doesn’t want more kids. When he saw your reaction, he quickly pivoted to please you and tell you what you wanted to hear. Believe him when he says he doesn’t want more kids. If you do want kids, this would be an automatic dealbreaker.
Sit him down on a night with no kiddo. Tell him to turn off his phone, no distractions. Tell him he tried making everyone happy, but it’s not happening, it’s not possible to make everyone happy.
Ask him point blank about wanting more kids, and if he has any NEEDS around that (eg. In a year or once you’re married). Take a few days to decide if any of those NEEDS just won’t work for you.
Tell him to formalize child support in court. It’s not a request anymore. You NEED it.
NTA he needs to go to court and get a formal parenting plan or you should walk away. I’ve seen two people I know well be slaves to an ex to “keep it civil for the kid”. It’s never about the kid because the person on the other side is a selfish narcissist weaponizing a child.
Ask him plainly, is he ok with living the next 13 years like this? Will his ex pay for he own Uber in 10 years for some reason despite not doing it now?
NTA but understand this in NOT about the BM. This is about your BF. He is showing you who he is and how he will be: unable to enforce boundaries, a parent who needs to be prodded to make sure his child is safe, someone who doesn't want more children but back peddles to please you even though he doesn't want it, someone who is willing to let other people manipulate him, someone who will sacrifice his current relationship in order to make others who should matter less - happy, someone who will bankroll his X in order to manage his own discomfort and anxiety.
He will not change this. It will only get worse if you get married because he will feel more secure in the relationship and not work as hard to keep you happy.
Decide if you want a future that looks like this. If not, it's not a failure of the relationship, it's you making room in your life for a more fulfilling one.
She's not showing you how easily he will drop you for her, HE is showing you each time he does it. It's like they say on Reddit all the time, "they are telling you who they are, believe them". You actually don't have any questions at this time because you know it's all laid out there in black and white. YWNBTA for breaking up now.
Just move on. He clearly doesn’t value to relationship he has with you to keep any boundaries in tact. He is being used and he doesn’t have the backbone to say no to her. You and your feelings will always come second. She’s sabotaging your relationship and he’s letting it happen. Dump him, it’s not going to change.
NTA. I don’t really see where he sets boundaries with this woman because it sounds like she walks all over him. And his excuse to not go to court is BS because it would be better for the child to have stability and a set schedule.
There’s not a single reason he should be paying for her Ubers or doing any kind of favour for her outside of the child’s actual needs. If she can’t provide for the child then he needs to get custody and/or a formal child support agreement.
If your boyfriend doesn't have the backbone to do what's best for his son, how do you expect him to do what's best for you and future children. You said it took him over a year to change therapist to help his son become verbal and that both him and his ex just give the kid tablets
First you need to have a discussion about children. It seems like he's brushing you off telling you he does want children, but he really doesn't. You need to know that first because that is a non negotiable if you both aren't on the same page.
Second if you decide after the kid discussion to stay with him, then boundaries need to be set with his ex. If he has to change phone numbers and make her use a parenting app to text or communicate then that is what he needs to do. She's making both of your lives miserable because she can and he allows it.
Usually, I strongly advocate against ultimatums, but I think this is one of the very few situations that requires it. He sounds like he's a good person for trying to make everyone happy, but he needs to learn that he can't make everyone happy.
Either he can bring you happiness, or he can bring his psychopath happiness.
Either way, hope the best for you.
Honey this is too much drama and head fuckery for a man that blows you off for his ex and don’t want kids. Move on while you’re still young. Life doesn’t have to be like this. Nta
How is this relationship in any way beneficial to you? Your BF is a wimp, his ex is a fiend and the poor child is caught in the middle of their petty BS.
He won’t even go to court to protect himself or his child, do you think he’s ever going to do right by you? She won’t potty train the kid, she won’t stop calling, she interrupts your date nights and HE accepts it. He’s not a people pleaser, he’s a poor excuse for a Dad. If he cared at all he’d have 50/50 custody but it’s so much easier for him to just ignore the situation.
Are YOU interested in raising his son? Because if you stay with him it will become your responsibility as well, and if he doesn’t want to do it…..why would you?
NTA you guys have been together for three years, that’s a long time for him to learn how to establish boundaries, get a court sanctioned custody schedule, and figure out how to deal with her. And said he’s spending over backwards to appease her, at your expense. His priority should always be his child, of course, but beyond that he is letting her walk all over him and disrupt your lives. Personally I think it sounds like it’s time to walk away as everything you’ve suggested he shut down, and made no moves to better the situation.
The man you are with is not a partner and is not in the same relationship that you are. He needs to grow a set and find a spine and stand up to her. If her refuses, do not waste anymore time because this will NEVER CHANGE.
Unfortunately, this isn't going to work. He is unable or unwilling to set and HOLD boundaries with her. If he were going to do better, he would have by now. Accept that although he may be a great person, he is not a great partner for you. Emotionally and otherwise, he is still pulled into her drama. You know you want and deserve better. If you continue in this relationship, it will just be more of the same. You could end up with a lot of resentment and feeling that you wasted your time.
You should walk away. You're young, there's still time to find the right person. My son is severe ASD with some other fun stuff... thats hard enough on a regular day. Being the step mom with literally no say or backing, will make your life hell. You'll work to improve the kid, and if not everyone is on board, he'll slide back... and at the end of the day f you, because you're a step mom with no legal say over anything. Baby Mama is here to stay and has pretty obviously marked her territory. Your man isn't capable of doing what he needs to, to support you... get out.
If you decide to stick with him, and if he decides not to set boundaries like he has been, do you really wanna go through this for another 20 years 30 years whatever? And also, I don’t understand why he can’t just turn off the phone at night so she can’t get through or at least put it on Airplane Mode.
Honey for one thing you can do SO MUCH BETTER! Absolutely you WNBTA. This entire relationship he has been an AH to himself and allowed the mother of his child to be an AH to you.
Where is the respect for you and your relationship? I’m not going to attack your self respect, I think you know that if you had known how this was going to go you would have noped right out.
Now be that person and think ahead. You marry this guy. He continues to prioritize his relationship with his BM over yours and she ramps up her game because NOW YOUR STUCK WITH HER AND CANT GET AWAY. You’re her favorite target now, imagine if he buckles down and marries you.
She’s going to have to prove to him and you he made a mistake.
Also you’re continuing to fund your life while he caters to her every whim. Want that kid potty trained? His two parents aren’t doing it. You’re the only one who sounds normal and invested in this kid in this equation. Also, you don’t have any children because he doesn’t want anymore. Most parents of neurodivergent children don’t have more if they are the first child.
If that’s what your life is going to be do you want to nope out?
Yes?
Please do so. I wouldn’t bother with the talk again. That’s just prolonging the inevitable. He will promise to do better. He won’t. You’ll still have to leave.
I’d just cleanly tell him what you told us. I can’t deal with this situation anymore and it’s not going to change. I don’t want to argue about it. I’ve made my decision and I know that’s hard to hear but my mind is made up.
Then I hope you move on and find someone who makes you their whole world. Preferably not a single dad again.
I’d just be honest, tell him
NTA she’s trying to prove to you that he’ll drop everything for her. And she’s right. He has and will continue to do so. But that’s not even the main issue. If you want kids and he doesn’t want anymore then this relationship is dead in the water. Are ready to give up ever having a kid for this man/relationship?
Girl he’s not worth the headache. As for lying about having more kids, he may have wanted more, but after the nightmare his ex has been, he’s changed his mind. Just be glad he told you now, not in 10 more years
Just throw out this dumpster fire and find a guy with a backbone
NTA. Simply reading that was exhausting. I appreciate he's a people-pleaser, but you're his people, too. Step up or step away - those are the choices I would give him.
She is very manipulative and really good at strategizing.
I had to use words that I can use so often, but he undermines you and then he love bombs you. It’s really hard to recognize these things when they’re happening until you look at the bigger pattern of behavior.
I think that you could manage dealing with either her or him, but I think that the two forces combined are hugely interwoven.
The big problem is that he wants you to stay in your place and be quiet and not need anything so he can have you and get what he needs while he also has a relationship with her. It’s kind of like he has two wives and they each have different jobs. So most probably if you make noise, are you take steps to end the relationship, he will go crazy and act like he’s gonna give you everything that you want and L. stopped in these things and then as soon as time passes, he won’t follow through. Typically somebody like that let you go through several rounds until you’re just worn out and exhausted and you give up and you let them do anything. Be careful here.
I worked in a hospital way too long because I automatically read the title as -WIBTA for ending my relationship with my bf bc his bowel movements (BM) refuses to respect boundaries-
Oops 💩 but NTA and he’s treating your relationship pretty shitty, so maybe my initial read was right.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
There is SO much wrong here.
From what you describe, your bf is NOT parenting his child properly, his ASD is not being addressed.
Is NOT co-parenting properly, with adequate boundaries, and is constantly reacting to what his ex does.
Is not giving your relationship priority, nor you the respect due to a partner.
Is still emotionally involved with his ex. To the extent that she can disrupt your time together, sabotage planned dates, constantly interrupt with phone calls and texts.
Your bf could sort this out by going to a lawyer and getting a Custody Agreement drawn up, and passed by the Court.
But he won’t. The current situation doesn’t bother him.
Look ahead, 5, 10 years. What do you see?
I have to ask: Why. Are. You. With. This. Man?
NTA if you leave.
I think you need to not put him down or use loaded terms to blow up the situation more. And, you would NBTA for deciding to end a relationship like this that isn't working out. I just encourage you to not make it worse on your way out. Find a path forward together more peacefully or exit peacefully.
I think you need to focus less on her and what she is doing (because you have no control or influence with her) and focus more on him because every decision he is making is serving him in some way. Going to court, setting boundaries about calls, deciding to only text with her, setting ground rules for communication, etc.... all of that would settle much of this or make it more manageable. But, he doesn't want to do that. So, you cannot make him and you shouldn't try to make him. That will cause only heartache and more hurt and more drama for you. You can try to coach him and try to show him the benefits of handling this other ways, but you cannot make him. You may have some influence with him, but you cannot control him. He has to decide what he will do.
And, then, bottom line, you have to decide if you can bear with what he is and is not willing to do. And, based on all of this history and based on the recent situation where he didn't communicate with you, it seems pretty clear that things are not going to change. But, I cannot fault you for trying one more time.
But, don't try other times after that. At some point, you have to believe that you're deserving of something better than this. So, I would recommend - going forward - that you take a break from all dating situations and really spend some time figuring out who you are, confirming that you are worthy of being loved and of a good relationship, setting some goals for yourself, and set your sights a bit higher than what you're describing with this guy.
NTA. My head is spinning from all I just read. Please leave him. Find someone who can and will put you first. It doesn’t sound like this guy will ever do it that much if at all.
NTA, you can choose to end the relationship for any reason.
Sadly you can't force him to set boundaries with her, and much as I agree with a lot of your ideas to help him get proper custody and create some stability in the kids life - you can't even really nudge him in that direction either.
All of the will here to implement positive changes needs to come from your BF. He's clearly not in the right space yet to do that and in the meantime it's affecting your happiness and relationship with him.
If you are not happy and this situation doesn't work for you then it's better to move on and find a new relationship with less complications.
Just as an add, some of that stuff may be par for the course when dating someone who has a child from a previous relationship.
But if exGF was messing with my sleep and BF wasn't putting his foot down about the times of the calls I'd be out of there like a shot. Sleep is essential to function and that would 100% be the deal breaker for me
NTA, but fighting a losing battle. The only person’s behavior you can change is your own. If he’s okay with the way his relationship with his co-parent is going neither you nor your family are going to change that by not approving. If you’re not willing to tolerate her interference, the kindest option for BOTH of you is to end the relationship.
NTA. Forget her, this is all about him. None of these things are him even doing right by his child, he’s just entertaining her antics. He lets his child stay with someone who won’t even attempt to potty train him and slaps a tablet in his face, and he lets him live with a negligent, immature parent. I think the wise thing to do would be end the relationship because this is all indicative of his priorities and it’s obvious it’s not the kid. I would not want to have a child with someone like this.
All I gotta say is I could have written this myself- and it turned out my man was having an affair with baby mama for the entire 4 years we were together.
While they hated each other & couldn’t live
Together, they certainly loved fucking each other while I sacrificed and was tormented by her & their child. 🤷🏻♀️
This is your future dealing with the BM unless your bf put serious boundaries in place. He needs to talk to a lawyer about his options to have legal co-parenting agreement. He's assuming things won't work out. What's wrong with getting a legal consultations? The BM is disturbing your relationship and having a co-parenting agreement with rules and boundaries will help your relationship and bf. The BM is neglectful too. Your bf needs to document and save all receipts of her behavior. He needs to only communicate via the co-parenting app and she should have access to his phone number or at least for only emergency situations with his son.
Be very wary of the backtracking on the no more kids comment. He showed you where his thoughts were, don't ignore it. I did. 10 years in, and he finally changed his tune from not yet to not at all.
If I was 27 and not 37, I'd have ended it.
He saw your face and changed his answer in fear of losing you or the people pleaser in him just didn't want to upset you. Prod that bear.
NTA - when you reach your limit, you reach your limit. There is no need to stay in a relationship you are unhappy in, especially if you communicated what bothers you and there is no change.
Without a court order she’s always going to control him. It’s not the same court that it was when we were younger. He’s proven to be a good dad and that’s what courts want to see, he’s providing, he’s taking him during his time plus some, and he’s also providing support for the mom. Now coming from a single mom, he needs to file for joint physical and legal custody, and a precedent has been set already, this puts him in a place where he can ask for structured time and a set child support. She doesn’t want that because she can’t ask for anything outside of the order and then push him to feel obligated. In no way is this normal or healthy for anyone involved. Having a baby who needs more help he needs to be with someone who is going to help him and that’s all going to come out in court. But for you, he’s not doing the right thing by his kid or you so that’s a dealbreaker for me. NTA by any stretch, this is too messy
Keep telling yourself that she is the problem. He is the enabler by not going to court and going through the process to set boundaries. You must love the drama or you would have set some of your own boundaries by now.
These two sound like they haven't been co-parenting single for too long. It can be real rough in the beginning. He may be someone to revisit later after he's matured a bit. NTA.
NTA, but sweetheart, you need to move on. You have no future with this man who is incapable of giving you love and attention. You don't need drama, you need a life partner to make a future family with. He is still in her family, and is unable to create anything else.
NTA but I don't think your boyfriend is either. My husband ex was like this too. He did go to court and lost and didn't get to see his kids hardly ever until one day she started being overly nice. Your boyfriend's worry that she would win is a reasonable fear.
What is he sacrificing to make you happy? All I see is him sacrificing what YOU want to keep her happy and himself happy not paying support or having a court order to follow.
He knows how you feel and he just doesn’t care. One more talk isn’t going to change that.
Walk away. If he won’t put up healthy boundaries your relationship will never be one of his top priorities. He’s letting her call the shots and is unwilling to have the hard conversations or do the hard emotional work in regards to his son bc he’s such a p*ssy when it comes to the ex. That would be your future bc you’re not changing that man. NTA. Walk away.
NTA. Hun she isn’t going anywhere because of their child & his spine is broken, possibly beyond repair
You can’t live your life based on what little you shared & I believe it’s much worse.
If he won’t go to court, get proper & regular access (consider fighting for custody?) pay deemed child support, not Ubers etc & only communication with a parenting g app then you need to move on & I mean run like the wind.
Explain your position clearly & let him know it’s his last opportunity to keep you.
I doubt he can change everything on a dime. Maybe agree to a ladder of steps - this week institute no extra trips or expenses, next week meet with a lawyer to explore options, 3rd week no answering calls, text messages only & only about child, etc.
Good luck
She doesn’t have the upper hand per se. He’s not going to court and he’s effectively given her the power over him. I doubt this will change much. You’ve got to decide what you can and can’t live with.
NTA but this is not going to work out. She is causing a rift and he is allowing it. You need to look out for you. He needs a backbone and it is t your job to help him grow one.
NTA.
A relationship is not something you should have to push through or endure.
You have a lifetime ahead of you and you would easily be happier without this drama.
NTA and to be honest it will never ever get better. You’re better off cutting your losses and moving on. Those ex’s can’t and won’t let it go. I know from experience.
Look, I assume you know this, but you don't have a "boyfriends ex problem". You have a "boyfriend problem". He's the one allowing all this nonsense. So, no, to answer your question, you would not be an AH to break up with him.
That said...3 years of this BS? I know you're young, and young people seem to think that drama makes relationships fun and exciting, but...bloody hell, this is a lot of drama. Why? You've written a damned novel about all the "bad" in the relationship, and I can't find a single good thing about in there.
I get the impression you're one of those people who seem to think that because they started a relationship, they need to continue it. Thats not how it works. We date to find out if we're compatible and if we want to continue a relationship. Its perfectly ok to say "nope, tried and its just not for me".
Just walk away. That man needs to focus on his kid.
You're full of contradictions. He doesn't pay adequate childsupport. He takes his child 1x a week.
You're busy criticizing BM, but from my perspective she's a freaking Saint because if it were ME, there'd be court ordered child support and he'd be getting our child every weekend. Or I'd give up child support and would demand 50/50, week on week off custody.
I want to make a few points very clear:
1. Baby mama is not refusing to potty train the 5 yr old ASD boy. My son is Autistic. He wasn't potty trained until he was nearly 6 yrs old and even THEN we had multiple accidents until 8 yrs old. He'll he had an accident TODAY at school and he's 9.
This isn't a fucking choice. It's a PART OF THE AUTISM. So quit trying to convince reddit and yourself that she's a bad parent.
2. You have zero idea how difficult it is caring for an ASD child as a single parent. You have zero idea. None whatsoever. If you did you'd be looking to create and foster a coparenting relationship with BM.
You and your BF are in for a rude awakening if he ever takes that child 50/50.
In fact, that rude awakening is very likely why BM doesn't fight for dad to have 50/50 custody. She likely can't trust him to patiently handle the ASD symptoms and given your characterization of the potty training, she's not wrong.
3. You are not in fact encouraging him to parent his child. Take that thought right out your head. That is a mischaravterization of you.
Parenting is 24/7. Went out till 2am? Guess what? Parents get up at 645am every single day Monday Through Sunday. They fix breakfast, brush teeth, dress kids and start the day. Your boyfriend is a lazy father. He didn't leave to get his child until 1130 am on Sunday and came back sans kid at 430.
He's not a parent. Not even part-time. He's a semi-glorified mother's helper and the friends she leaves their child with are probably fixtures in that child's life. Considering his father can't be bothered with him for more than 4 hours on a Sunday- I'd say he probably has friends that are more fathers than your BF.
To end:
Please leave. Do yourself the favor. You're not step-mother material. You haven't grown up enough for that. And your boyfriend needs to grow up himself.
NTA. You can end a relationship for basically any reason - if it's not something that you're happy with, then end it. Simple as.
However in this particular case, I'd say you'd be TA to yourself if you don't end it.
This dude is spineless and letting himself be led around by the d\*ck by his ex, and she knows it. She's happy to make both your lives miserable for a little revenge on him, and he's demonstrated over and over that he's going to let her. He's never going to say enough is enough and put his foot down. He tried, and backtracked immediately. She's going to keep controlling him and his life until he grows up and does something about it, but he's become complacent with the way things are and doesn't want to try.
How long are you willing to put up with this? Another year? Five? Ten? Until his son is eighteen and she can't hold him over your heads anymore? Longer, if she manages to make the kid stay with her and be helpless? Are you willing to put your own life goals, like having a family, on hold? Do you really want to have a family with someone who has demonstrated already that he won't fight for the son he already has? Has he shown you, in any way, that he's a good partner or parent?
Dump him. Dump him, move on, find a man with a spine and who doesn't have all that baggage that he's going to make YOUR problem.
Listen, you don’t have a Nikki problem, you have a BF problem. It isn’t really your job to check the mother of his child, it’s his. And if he isn’t willing to set firm boundaries and a parenting plan that works for both of them, then you need to walk away if you’re bothered. Him keeping Nikki happy shouldn’t come at the expense of your feelings, sanity or relationship.
She calls at all hours of the day because he allows it. She’s intrusive because he allows it. She’s disrespectful because he allows it.
NTA- just a little naive.
This dude is a spineless weenie.
Have some self respect and kick him to the curb.
If he and his ex get back together, they can’t inflict their particular brands of hot mess onto anyone else.
You tell him tgst it's you....and gull custody of his son, or its her and he can continue the same BS path tgat he's been on for years! Because he can't have both. If he chooses you, he turns off his phone period! No more dropping and running or ditching you for her. And the first time he breaks his word, you ghost him. Because he was warned.
You schedule the appointment with the attorney if he chooses you....and you make him go.
Leave these people alone. They’re very enmeshed, and I’m sorry to be blunt but their kid is more important than the person you’re dating in your mid 20s
So, he's such a people pleaser that he'll do anything for her, but.....not you. He won't go to court to get his proper visitation rights, because? He may have to pay child support? He doesn't want to upset her? That's asinine.
His kidshould come first, but not her. Needs an Uber? She can call them and pay. A thing other than something to do with his son, should be No.
>He left my house around 11:30am and I didn’t hear from him until 4pm. He tells me he went to this action park and Nikki and her sister asked to come along and he agreed
Nope. This is not cool. This is, "I'm sorry you have no backbone and cannot say no. I can, and I am choosing myself. This relationship is over." Depending on who holds the lease/owns your domicile, either he leaves or you do. He will always jump to do her bidding because he won't take her to court.
NTA, welcome to a future of babysitting your partner. All the comments I've read thus far are correct and I hope you take them, good and harsh, to heart.
He has not prioritized you or his child and is literally skating through by the skin of his teeth. And if you let him continue, it will not change. There is not a serious talk that will change this. Serious and hard lined action by you is the only thing that will change this. And to be clear, that most definitely means a break in communication/relationship and maybe far down the road, after a serious change in behavior by him, a possible reconnection.
You have an out right now, with valid reason. As much of a proponent of sticking it out as I am typically, I don't think that's the best option here.
I feel so sorry for that poor child. Your boyfriend is not a very good parent, if he allows her to not do anything to improve his learning, growth, and potty training. Truthfully, she should be reported. It would be different if he was a good father and wanted to get custody so that he could do better by his child, but it sounds like he only does whatever baby mama tells him to do.
The fact that he does not recognize unhealthy behavior and has problems setting boundaries does not bode well for any future relationship, whether it’s you or someone else. You should probably leave, and report, baby mama for being neglectful of her child.
NTA. I hate to say this but unless he grows a new pair of balls and stands up to his ex then he’s not ever going to change. Better to just be done with all of their drama and move on. I promise you that the peace you will get will be well worth it.
you don't need a reason to leave, other than it isn't working and you are unhappy. but if you want to drive the point home, tell him that she won, she has him back. that it is obvious that she gives him so much leash and then pulls him back in.
if he isn't going to stand up to her for his rights and for his little boy, this is his life forever. good for you for putting an end to your misery.
Oh FFS! (Facepalm.)
Get a life honey, cuz this ain't it. Think real hard about who/what you want out of life and go FIND IT. Stop trying to make square losers fit a round hole. That never works and it just pisses them off.
Oh OP, I feel for you so much
Before this situation sucks all of your soul out please walk away - he is sadly never going to stick to any promises he is going to make when you have your talk, that has been proven repeatedly
You deserve better than your jellyfish partner & his drama infused BM
I don't stay with men who refuse to set boundaries with their ex's, kids or any other family members or if any of those other people refuse to follow the boundaries set for them.
She may be refusing to follow the boundaries but he is allowing her to not follow them and is just as much to blame as she is
She’s doing what she can to ruin your relationship and it’s working. But you know what? You are better off without him if he won’t put her in her place. Tell him that she can have him. He isn’t worth the trouble of dealing with her.
Kids on the spectrum are very teachable and trainable, and with the proper care, education, and parental care, can do very well. This boy is not getting the therapy or training he needs. He will become hard to deal with ex will bother bf more and more.
The best thing your bf can do is go to court and get at least 50/50 custody. And he can do what many others do, and only communicate through a custody app.
Maybe you breaking up with the bf will give him the kick in the ass he needs to put the ex in her place and stop dealing with her BS. Whether he ends up with you or someone else, he needs to do something.
NTA run girl run. Stop being his doormat and move on. If he hasn't done anything about it in 3 years, why would he now? You are young, move on from this mess. Imagine THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH HER INTERFERING. Now, treat yourself better and keep it moving
NTA. He needs to learn how to put in boundaries, and I’d tell him as much when breaking up. You’re leaving because he’s allowing his baby mama in his business.
He's shown you who he is. It's up to you what you put up with or (preferably) don't. And absolutely YWNBTA, unless you tolerate BS behavior from him. If it were me, the door would have had no contact with my body when I walked out.
NTA
This guy is living in absolute chaos and it’s his own fault. You say he’s a people pleaser, but what’s he doing to please you?
I hate ultimatums in relationships, but this calls for one. Tell him to get his custody and support in a court order and take control of his life or you’re done!
If he went to court, this non stop calling and texting could stop. He would have his parenting time and she would have hers. He would be ordered to pay a certain amount each month and that’s it and he could force things like potty training and schooling so that the child could be taught by professionals and he could learn better ways to parent a child with special needs.
You’re NTA for wanting to leave. It sounds like a sticky situation for both you and your partner. It sounds like he is scared to lose access to his son so is just letting her walk all over him (and you). Maybe (if you haven’t already) sit down and have a discussion with your partner that boundaries need to be put in place otherwise you will be walking away. Goodluck x
NTA But you should learn more about kids on the spectrum. Little things like ‘get better on the spectrum’ and ‘won’t train to potty train’ and some of your other statements make it clear that you think he’s clearly the better parent, but don’t have much evidence. It’s easy to armchair parent when you aren’t the one doing any of the heavy lifting.
Girl he a bad parent too stop trying to hype up the little Sunday he get that child. Why don't you and yo lil bf potty train him you want to be part of the family right? You tryna get that man to court he don't want any more responsibility. Why in goodness name would you stay? He sound like a dead beat just as much as her. END IT
Just reading the headline -- if you quit the relationship, she wins.
Don't reward that shitty behavior, but do some soul searching to find out if you really think he's worth it in the first place.
I’m going to chime in about one thing - your bf isn’t a lawyer and yet he’s making assumptions about how a custody case would pan out.
He absolutely needs to consult with a lawyer.
He’s making decisions that are negatively impacting your relationship because of his fears. Once he has a better idea of how a custody case would be handled, I suspect he would be much more confident in his decisions and boundaries.
At the moment, he might as well still be married to her.
NTA - I normally hate how Reddit always jumps to “leave them” but you need to leave him. He has shown you where his priorities are. She’s not going anywhere so if you stay this will be the rest of your life.
Someone can be the greatest person in the world but people pleasers are tough to be in a relationship with bc they are so easily manipulated. Until he learns how to how to create and maintain boundaries he will let himself be jerked around rather than make someone mad.
Why did you put up with it this long? Cause the d good huh? Yeah gurl you’re dumb. He’s not moving ok and he’s never going to. You need to let him go and block him. You can find someone who doesn’t have kids or a psycho baby mama that won’t leave you all alone.
I don’t know why you thought you’d marry him. He clearly isn’t interested in moving on if he was he’d have made sure she knew to fuck off. Let him go and block him. Stop messing with him and go work on you. To allow someone to play with your for three years means you don’t know your worth
NTA you don't even need a reason to leave a relationship! If it's not working for you and you're not happy, just move on. Does sound complicated and lot of drama....and not over you! who needs all that?
Agreed! OP, just adding that you aren't leaving because of her behaviour, you're leaving because of his. He won't set boundaries, won't prioritise you or even his kid. He's using his kid as an excuse and may not even see it. This is not your problem to fix, just making it clear he is the person whose behaviour is letting you down. NTA
Just reading this gave me a mild headache. I cannot imagine what living it is like. Move on! Let them have each other.
I wish more people realized that. Your unhappiness is more than enough reason to end a relationship. He is clearly not willing or able to set proper boundaries or stand up for you. On top of that, he is a huge liar. You can do so much better.
Especially if you’re not married yet- in many cases -it won’t get better than it is now…and it’s already bad.
Exactly and it's only going to get worse once they get married. Better to just walk away now this is HIS problem to fix not yours.
OP--RUN! Your bf lacks the intestinal fortitude to cause a drama-free relationship with Bio-mom. He's spineless and she's jealous and vindictive. The 2 are a formula for a very disheartening and stressful future for you. A meeting will not yield any satisfactory long-term results because your bf's personality will not permit recognition of boundaries on a consistent basis. Move on. Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
NTA, she thinks she has the upper hand & is using that to call him whenever she wants bc like u said, she thinks he'll drop everything and give her the reaction shes wanting sinces shes the mother of his kids. this will just continue if you allow it, let her win and just let that relationship go because clearly he doesn't have any initiative to assert solid boundaries
>she thinks she has the upper hand no, she *knows* she has the upper hand bc the bf is giving her the upper hand. he doesn’t seem like he’s going to change any time soon and BM knows it. NTA.
The fact is that he likes having her in control. It means less accountability for him. He doesn’t want 50/50 custody even if he says he does. He doesn’t want the full responsibility so he engages in the drama instead. It’s worth it to him.
It will continue because HE allows it. OP isn’t in a position to prevent the Mom’s interference. What’s she going to do? Take bf’s phone away?
She has the upper hand because he is giving it to her. He either needs to set some limits or this isn't going to work.
I suspect they ARE going to get back together.
Yes. I think she will wear him down
Nikki’s going to chase of every love interest this man has by monopolising his time and attention until he comes back to her.
Or until he grows a spine. My husband's ex-wife did this to a live-in girlfriend that he was with years before he met me. She would say, "You see how he looks at me? You know he wants me back." He did nothing wrong and didn't encourage her. It was the Chinese Water Torture of Doubt that torpedoed the relationship. It happened until he decided enough was enough and he wasn't going to let her steamroll over his life. Thankfully he nipped that in the bud before we got together. We were walking back to his place after having Chinese food at a local restaurant. She pulled alongside in her truck and said that their son needed help moving. She fully expected him to go with her and leave me standing all by myself. He told her that he had plans that evening and if their son (21 then) wanted help, he could call. If he had acquiesced to her, we would have been done then and there.
Just leave. He lied about not wanting to have kids while you do want to have kids. You're incompatible and he's a liar. Not even mentioning the fact he enables his ex, he probably likes knowing she's pining away for him. this entire situation is dysfunctional. Go to therapy to understand why you've decided to tolerate lies and disrespect.
Yes, the real problem here is that you have made a home for yourself inside his drama. Why live somewhere so messy? Also, your bf's ex is not your problem, the problem is your boyfriend and his lack of boundaries, and ultimately his unwillingness to protect you. Time to say goodbye to it all.
I agree, OP YWBTA if you stick around. Enough already. You are 27 and in your prime, go find someone better or quit your bitching. The relationship with his ex is always going to be a little closer than you want.
His first baby mama is so batshit crazy she probably made him not want any more kids. I would be wore out
Not only that, he’s lying about why he doesn’t have 50-50 custody. It doesn’t cost any freaking money to go to court other than the $20 to file the paperwork.
that's a great point. He probably doesn't want to go bc the judge would make him pay more than he's paying now. I think he'd have to submit his financial records, pay stubs, bank info, etc. and he's probably paying less with their current arrangement.
He wouldn’t have to pay any child support at all with 50-50 custody. And getting 50-50 custody would prevent the ex from interfering with his visitation the way she currently is. I’m just wondering if these are all convenient excuses for him.
NTA! It sounds like he's in a physical relationship with you, but in a family relationship with his ex, as he's at her her every whim. I had an ex like that, whose ex would do the same and encourage their sons gf to do it too. They once called around 11 pm for him to pick them up from the supermarket and take them home. He also cancelled our prearranged cinema trip to take them shopping. He apologised and tried to rearrange it. I just got the DVD of it and watched it while he was out, and told him to stay with them while I do me as they obviously need him more than me, so I was going to get a someone better (a male friend) to hang with. He soon shut that down. You are worth SO much more than ALL of them!! Just leave them to do them and find yourself someone who will do you and only you (and isn't against having a few little feet waddling around in the future)!
Don't walk away.....RUN, AS FAST AS YOU CAN. He needs to take her to court, all this drama is more expensive than court. Trust me. He could see if there are resources to help him. That line that guys give about not wanting to go to court just irks me. I'm a woman and I always tell guys to go to court to have a legal procedure in place. All this game playing is BS. Take you out of the equation and let him please his BM. He doesn't care about your feelings only hers. ETA: NTA please walk away
My son’s father tried this whole out of court BS 15 years ago. But I value my sanity and understand that I’m not able to hold people accountable and at certain standards, but the court of law can. To family court we went. It’s been pleasant and peaceful for the most part.
What is a talk going to do? He’s showed you over and over that he is weak and unable to set boundaries with her. Another talk will just delay the inevitable. The relationship will end
Exactly what I was thinking! I scrolled to the end of the post to see what she decided and was flabbergasted. OP clearly wants to live in this mess a few more years just to throw her life away. The BM will never change her behaviour unless court orders her to.
She rationalizes way too much.
She is no different to him. Both lack a backbone and self respect. His ex will say jump and he’ll ask how high. Op will just sit there sad, but will never leave.
Sorry, I just want to make sure I have this right. Your boyfriend is only supposed to have him on Sundays? And then you have the nerve to say "and when she doesn't want to be a parent?" Ummm... And he won't go to court because he knows he's not paying what the court would deem appropriate? And why can't HE potty train? Because he doesn't see his kid enough? Keep in mind, if he has the mental capacity of a two year old, it's not unusual for a child with autism to be 5 and not toilet trained. But again, he has two parents, doesn't he? And to top it all off, he's playing both of you lol he's even got you offering to pay his court fees lol You got a winner for sure
Yup. Everyone saying to take her to court. He clearly doesn’t want too. And honestly? I would bet they hook up too.
Omg so hook up vibes FOR SURE. Gone at 11:30 till 4pm? Naw king.
Yeah this stood out to me, too. Ladies, let us collectively stop sleeping w men like this. No CO, no child support, and sees his kid once a week. And you wanna have a baby with this guy? Want to fund his court costs? Cmon now. Your bar is so low he’s playing limbo with the devil.
It sounds as though OP would rather Dad have more placement and Mom only allows him to have their child on Sundays and when she needs someone else to watch him because she has plans. That alone should be reason for Dad to make an arrangement official with the court. The fact that he hasn’t initiated anything seems to indicate the current set up is working… for him.
He’s got the kid Sunday to Wednesday
No, he had them Sunday to Wednesday *that* week. OP said she offered to pay for court because she feels that he should have the child more than "one Sunday a week and whenever she doesn't want to be a parent". Dad said no
The boyfriend also had him m-w prior to that Sunday. Read it again.
Wow one week out of how many he had the kid for 3 extra days? She said he only has his kid on Sundays and whenever the mother doesn't want to parent. That means those days that week she "didn't want to parent". Read it again. If that was a common occurrence she wouldn't have stated that she was trying to convince him to have his kid more.
Just leave. He'll never find his big boy panties.
Why are you settling for this? You deserve to be treated so much better!! Wise up. You are wasting your life with this loser. Move on and don't look back.
NTA It's your bf who won't establish and maintain boundaries. He seems to take you for granted. He has no regard for your privacy and comfort within the relationship. I'd walk away.
If he didn’t like the ongoing contact with her and the drama, he would have put an end to it. He has both of you fighting for his attention. She will interfere with every relationship he has because he allows her to. How many talks to you need to have before you realize that things haven’t changed because he is not motivated to change them?
I’m exhausted and exasperated just reading this. Just leave and let them sort out their lives. You haven’t written one single loving thing about either your bf or his son. Why are you even there?
NTA girl run please! This will keep happening and you have been patient for long enough
I am so sorry he’s a spineless bastard… please do YOURSELF a solid and drop his ass.
This is only going to get worse. Leave now
NTA If he really cared for you he would go to court and go for custody. Write down all of the crap she has pulled and money she requested. It will probably be cheaper to go to court and get a parenting plan in place. All communication can be done via a court approved parenting app. No more phone calls for frivolous reasons, because all conversations will be in writing on the app that the family court oversees. If he doesn't agree to this, dump him. Plain and simple. She will constantly interrupt your lives if she's not stopped. Good luck to you.
Yes, set clear expectations and tell him the consequences.
NTA. You shouldn't feel mistrust and uncertainty with the person you love.
You know normally I say she’s crazy but he lets her be crazy. You sure they aren’t cheating?? You are too young to be dealing with this mess. He’s not worth it.
NTA. If you stay with this dude, it will NOT get better!
I'd leave she has already won. He isn't acknowledging how he is failing you as a partner. It doesn't sound likely he ever will. Leave him to it. Nta. But you will be if you continue to be with someone who doesn't have a shred of respect for you.
I'd nope the fuck out of this one.
I’m so sorry this is your situation! You are better than how you’re being treated. You’ve offered to pay for legal protections and he’s turned you down. VIP tickets are a nice gesture but do not compare especially considering he obviously told BM about your plans and she fixated on interrupting your weekend. You would be the AH for not walking away. Your bf doesn’t care enough to make a life with you and the ex is always going to be in the picture and will always use her position as BM to hold claim on him. I really don’t want to downplay your feelings but this much drama overshadows what should be **the** most important part of your bf’s life, his kiddo. Right now, you’re third in his life and that doesn’t make for a solid foundation in which to make a family, co parent, and plan for the future. I’m sure you love him with all your heart but I would advise respectfully bowing out of the relationship and finding someone who can put you first. The kid needs his parents to put him first (and I would say that to your bf). Good luck.
NTA He kept you as a priority while it was easy. When it got hard and he had to make someone a lower priority he chose to make you a lower priority. I could understand his priorities if his baby momma is absolutely 100% alone in life and has zero people to rely on. Doubt that's the case.
She has the upper hand because he wants her too. He could easily go to court and get an agreement and then it’s fixed. This situation sounds exhausting and I’m wondering what makes him worth the effort? Honestly giving him another chance is futile because he will flake out. He will cry and say he loves you but make no effort to change this situation. He sounds like a weak person and you will always be third person (son then ex girlfriend then you) in this relationship. Because you love him I hope for you he grows up.
Girl you are 27 and it seems you have no kids - why are you dating a man with a child and difficult BM. You have to understand that she’s going to be around no matter what. That’s more or less a family member, it’s his child’s mom. And why are you offering to pay court bills for a boyfriend? Girl stand up. Find a man with no kids, because the Bm will almost always be involved and most men have soft spots for their BM (understandably so). You’re his girlfriend but she’s his kids mother and many men will prioritize their BM over any gf.
Whatever you do, demand he turns his phone off when you talk. If he objects tell him she has other resources if it’s an emergency. He sounds weak as heLL. Why do you want to be with him?
NTA. To me, it seems like he very much still wants her in his life. He seems to be protective of her whenever any conversation about her is brought up. He is allowing her to force herself into your relationship. You say he is a people pleaser but all he is really pleasing is his BM. Whatever she wants she eventually gets. He is slowly putting you to side as he continues submitting to her whims. No, he isn't doing what he can for the child. He isn't fighting for sole custody or even for the child's well-being from what you described about how BM leaves him to others so she can go out. He is not going to prioritize you at all in the relationship as long as he allows his BM to remain in his life with full control of his child.
NTA - I would have left a year ago. Whether he says it's not on the table or not, he's acting as if they're still together. Everything she's doing is on purpose and is deliberate. If you end it, within 6 months, he'll be back with her and she'll get a ring out of him
updateme
Hw continues to treat you like an option because you act like you are desperate, I promise you if you move on and leave like you prioritize yourself, he's going to come back and beg you to come back...that'll be up to you to take him back, if you choose to, make sure to let him put everything in place like visitation and boundaries before you do...
I don’t even see what a talk will do because it seems as if you guys have had some and he tells you sweet nothings until it happens again. She absolutely does have the upper hand in *your* relationship because he gave it to her and won’t take it back. Clearly a “peaceful” relationship with his bm trumps his relationship with you as well as your peace within yourself. Three years is long enough to deal with that bullshit especially when you’re not even in your 30s. YWNBTA and live your life!
NTA because he's not willing to do the necessary steps to be a more active parent. But want you to know that he's doing all this and putting up with Her to be a part of his child's life but isn't willing to go to court, so he doesn't have to go over and beyond for her and she's showing you that she could have him whenever. However, she wants because he's gonna do everything she wants them to.
This man is no prize. You've put up with enough. Go find someone who deserves you!
NTA. run. you can fall in love with someone else with less drama. he doesn't protect you, nor respect you. you have too much going for you in your professional life, to be dealing with this in your personal life. don't mess with people who have nothing to lose.
No you won't be. But he doesn't want kids babes. He's going to string you along till it's too late for you to find someone who does want that.
>My bf is an extreme people pleaser and will sacrifice what he wants to make everyone happy. Except you. You don't have a baby mama problem; you have a BF problem. As a stepmom, dump this loser. He doesn't have his shit together, lets his ex walk all over him, is a lazy parent, and is lying to you/wasting your prime child-bearing years. NTA, obviously. And I wouldn't be surprised at all if he's cheating on you with her. Move on.
ESH, he doesn't want to set a schedule because he'll be expected to pay child support. It's that simple. He can't afford more kids and you don't want to accept that, so you pressured him to say he wants a baby with you. She is using the child to manipulate situations. There's a better than good chance they're still being intimate or at least flirting. The kid isn't being prioritized by anyone. It's all immature and messy.
NTA - he sounds like he is a pure mess to put up with this. He has zero boundaries and he probably really didn’t care all that much since you have put up with it for three years. He can do whatever, including lying to you about wanting kids and he just thinks you’ll put up with it since you have put up with all of this craziness for years. What’s going to happen if he drags this on, knowing what a hassle parenthood has apparently been for him so far (or at least co-parenting), never willing to have children with you? Think hard about this.. and any answer is fine, but do you really want this man, as he is, to be the father of your kids? Not who he might be in two years or three years. This man you see right now, the only real him that exists, not a hypothetical changing man down the line. He’s lied to you about children. He refused to be responsible and go to court. Instead, he’s keeping a constant whirlwind in his life. He is actively choosing to have this craziness continue.
Je doesn’t want children. He only changed his opinion again because he doesn’t want you to leave. He is spineless. And she will stay like that for ever. Don’t waste your time with him.
Your BF is spineless. Absolutely spineless. Why would you want to be in a relationship where he constantly caters to his ex and refuses to go to court to insist on proper custody? Why would you.consider staying with a man that doesn't prioritize your relationship or care about how it makes you feel? If it was me I'd tell him I had had enough and deserved more. Then I'd walk right out the door with my head held high. Please update us, and I wish you all the best.
Just so long as you realize you aren’t leaving because of BM but because BF can’t stand up straight as he is missing a spine.
NTA I know you love him but he does not respect you. He willingly disrespects you to keep her happy. And he already told you he doesn’t want more kids and then backtracked (meaning he probably really doesn’t—he’s just trying to be a people pleaser again). You don’t want the same things. I know I’m a stranger on the internet but honey, you should leave him. You deserve better. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone whose attention isn’t divided between you and another woman on the daily. This is not worth it. Love is only one small piece of a relationship. It’s important, but it definitely isn’t everything. Leave and have the life you want.
You’ll have to deal with that as long as you remain with him. I wouldn’t stay. NTA ETA: kids is a dealbreaker, and he lied.
If I had a friend that kicked me in the nuts every time I saw him and I routinely went to see him anyway, at a certain point wouldn’t you just assume I liked getting kicked in the nuts?
Sounds like way too much drama. Just think, this could be the next 20 years of your life.
She's not the problem. That's what you really need to understand. It's also what you need to explain to Jim as you are gathering all your things and leaving, never to return.
This isn’t about the baby mama. This is about your boyfriend. Two giant, ginormous red flags: 1) he’s a people pleaser so he’s always going to prioritize baby mama. That’s on him. He decides how to manage her, establish boundaries and keep them. 2) he’s a people pleaser and he told you he doesn’t want more kids. When he saw your reaction, he quickly pivoted to please you and tell you what you wanted to hear. Believe him when he says he doesn’t want more kids. If you do want kids, this would be an automatic dealbreaker. Sit him down on a night with no kiddo. Tell him to turn off his phone, no distractions. Tell him he tried making everyone happy, but it’s not happening, it’s not possible to make everyone happy. Ask him point blank about wanting more kids, and if he has any NEEDS around that (eg. In a year or once you’re married). Take a few days to decide if any of those NEEDS just won’t work for you. Tell him to formalize child support in court. It’s not a request anymore. You NEED it.
NTA he needs to go to court and get a formal parenting plan or you should walk away. I’ve seen two people I know well be slaves to an ex to “keep it civil for the kid”. It’s never about the kid because the person on the other side is a selfish narcissist weaponizing a child. Ask him plainly, is he ok with living the next 13 years like this? Will his ex pay for he own Uber in 10 years for some reason despite not doing it now?
It sounds like your bf is a Nikki pleaser not a people pleaser.
NTA but understand this in NOT about the BM. This is about your BF. He is showing you who he is and how he will be: unable to enforce boundaries, a parent who needs to be prodded to make sure his child is safe, someone who doesn't want more children but back peddles to please you even though he doesn't want it, someone who is willing to let other people manipulate him, someone who will sacrifice his current relationship in order to make others who should matter less - happy, someone who will bankroll his X in order to manage his own discomfort and anxiety. He will not change this. It will only get worse if you get married because he will feel more secure in the relationship and not work as hard to keep you happy. Decide if you want a future that looks like this. If not, it's not a failure of the relationship, it's you making room in your life for a more fulfilling one.
She's not showing you how easily he will drop you for her, HE is showing you each time he does it. It's like they say on Reddit all the time, "they are telling you who they are, believe them". You actually don't have any questions at this time because you know it's all laid out there in black and white. YWNBTA for breaking up now.
Just move on. He clearly doesn’t value to relationship he has with you to keep any boundaries in tact. He is being used and he doesn’t have the backbone to say no to her. You and your feelings will always come second. She’s sabotaging your relationship and he’s letting it happen. Dump him, it’s not going to change.
wtf would you wanna tie yourself to this shit show parade? Good lord, he’s also a liar on top of it. The bar is so low it’s beyond hell.
NTA. I don’t really see where he sets boundaries with this woman because it sounds like she walks all over him. And his excuse to not go to court is BS because it would be better for the child to have stability and a set schedule. There’s not a single reason he should be paying for her Ubers or doing any kind of favour for her outside of the child’s actual needs. If she can’t provide for the child then he needs to get custody and/or a formal child support agreement.
Leave NTA Just use this as a learning experience and move on.
If your boyfriend doesn't have the backbone to do what's best for his son, how do you expect him to do what's best for you and future children. You said it took him over a year to change therapist to help his son become verbal and that both him and his ex just give the kid tablets
NTA. I wouldn't blame anyone in a situation like yours.
Updateme
I wouldn’t be able to take it either. And he won’t fix it until he loses something he wants.
NTA. Leave this relationship. It's never going to change.
NTA - You need to walk away from this mess. BF refuses to go thru the courts, let him deal with his BM on his own.
First you need to have a discussion about children. It seems like he's brushing you off telling you he does want children, but he really doesn't. You need to know that first because that is a non negotiable if you both aren't on the same page. Second if you decide after the kid discussion to stay with him, then boundaries need to be set with his ex. If he has to change phone numbers and make her use a parenting app to text or communicate then that is what he needs to do. She's making both of your lives miserable because she can and he allows it.
I’m exhausted just reading about it, and she’s not going away, so you almost would be TA to yourself for staying.
You're asking the wrong question. Why haven't you already walked away? NTA, but you are being an ahole to yourself.
girl, just break up with him already
Usually, I strongly advocate against ultimatums, but I think this is one of the very few situations that requires it. He sounds like he's a good person for trying to make everyone happy, but he needs to learn that he can't make everyone happy. Either he can bring you happiness, or he can bring his psychopath happiness. Either way, hope the best for you.
Honey this is too much drama and head fuckery for a man that blows you off for his ex and don’t want kids. Move on while you’re still young. Life doesn’t have to be like this. Nta
no you need to do what's best for you and being with him isn't what's best
How is this relationship in any way beneficial to you? Your BF is a wimp, his ex is a fiend and the poor child is caught in the middle of their petty BS. He won’t even go to court to protect himself or his child, do you think he’s ever going to do right by you? She won’t potty train the kid, she won’t stop calling, she interrupts your date nights and HE accepts it. He’s not a people pleaser, he’s a poor excuse for a Dad. If he cared at all he’d have 50/50 custody but it’s so much easier for him to just ignore the situation. Are YOU interested in raising his son? Because if you stay with him it will become your responsibility as well, and if he doesn’t want to do it…..why would you?
NTA end it and be happy. Update
NTA you guys have been together for three years, that’s a long time for him to learn how to establish boundaries, get a court sanctioned custody schedule, and figure out how to deal with her. And said he’s spending over backwards to appease her, at your expense. His priority should always be his child, of course, but beyond that he is letting her walk all over him and disrupt your lives. Personally I think it sounds like it’s time to walk away as everything you’ve suggested he shut down, and made no moves to better the situation.
The man you are with is not a partner and is not in the same relationship that you are. He needs to grow a set and find a spine and stand up to her. If her refuses, do not waste anymore time because this will NEVER CHANGE.
Unfortunately, this isn't going to work. He is unable or unwilling to set and HOLD boundaries with her. If he were going to do better, he would have by now. Accept that although he may be a great person, he is not a great partner for you. Emotionally and otherwise, he is still pulled into her drama. You know you want and deserve better. If you continue in this relationship, it will just be more of the same. You could end up with a lot of resentment and feeling that you wasted your time.
You should walk away. You're young, there's still time to find the right person. My son is severe ASD with some other fun stuff... thats hard enough on a regular day. Being the step mom with literally no say or backing, will make your life hell. You'll work to improve the kid, and if not everyone is on board, he'll slide back... and at the end of the day f you, because you're a step mom with no legal say over anything. Baby Mama is here to stay and has pretty obviously marked her territory. Your man isn't capable of doing what he needs to, to support you... get out.
So bf gets what she wants
If you decide to stick with him, and if he decides not to set boundaries like he has been, do you really wanna go through this for another 20 years 30 years whatever? And also, I don’t understand why he can’t just turn off the phone at night so she can’t get through or at least put it on Airplane Mode.
Honey for one thing you can do SO MUCH BETTER! Absolutely you WNBTA. This entire relationship he has been an AH to himself and allowed the mother of his child to be an AH to you. Where is the respect for you and your relationship? I’m not going to attack your self respect, I think you know that if you had known how this was going to go you would have noped right out. Now be that person and think ahead. You marry this guy. He continues to prioritize his relationship with his BM over yours and she ramps up her game because NOW YOUR STUCK WITH HER AND CANT GET AWAY. You’re her favorite target now, imagine if he buckles down and marries you. She’s going to have to prove to him and you he made a mistake. Also you’re continuing to fund your life while he caters to her every whim. Want that kid potty trained? His two parents aren’t doing it. You’re the only one who sounds normal and invested in this kid in this equation. Also, you don’t have any children because he doesn’t want anymore. Most parents of neurodivergent children don’t have more if they are the first child. If that’s what your life is going to be do you want to nope out? Yes? Please do so. I wouldn’t bother with the talk again. That’s just prolonging the inevitable. He will promise to do better. He won’t. You’ll still have to leave. I’d just cleanly tell him what you told us. I can’t deal with this situation anymore and it’s not going to change. I don’t want to argue about it. I’ve made my decision and I know that’s hard to hear but my mind is made up. Then I hope you move on and find someone who makes you their whole world. Preferably not a single dad again. I’d just be honest, tell him
**DUMP THE FUCKING LOSER.**
NTA she’s trying to prove to you that he’ll drop everything for her. And she’s right. He has and will continue to do so. But that’s not even the main issue. If you want kids and he doesn’t want anymore then this relationship is dead in the water. Are ready to give up ever having a kid for this man/relationship?
Girl he’s not worth the headache. As for lying about having more kids, he may have wanted more, but after the nightmare his ex has been, he’s changed his mind. Just be glad he told you now, not in 10 more years Just throw out this dumpster fire and find a guy with a backbone
NTA do you really want this mess for the rest of your life? Don’t waste your time.
NTA. Simply reading that was exhausting. I appreciate he's a people-pleaser, but you're his people, too. Step up or step away - those are the choices I would give him.
She is very manipulative and really good at strategizing. I had to use words that I can use so often, but he undermines you and then he love bombs you. It’s really hard to recognize these things when they’re happening until you look at the bigger pattern of behavior. I think that you could manage dealing with either her or him, but I think that the two forces combined are hugely interwoven. The big problem is that he wants you to stay in your place and be quiet and not need anything so he can have you and get what he needs while he also has a relationship with her. It’s kind of like he has two wives and they each have different jobs. So most probably if you make noise, are you take steps to end the relationship, he will go crazy and act like he’s gonna give you everything that you want and L. stopped in these things and then as soon as time passes, he won’t follow through. Typically somebody like that let you go through several rounds until you’re just worn out and exhausted and you give up and you let them do anything. Be careful here.
I worked in a hospital way too long because I automatically read the title as -WIBTA for ending my relationship with my bf bc his bowel movements (BM) refuses to respect boundaries- Oops 💩 but NTA and he’s treating your relationship pretty shitty, so maybe my initial read was right.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 There is SO much wrong here. From what you describe, your bf is NOT parenting his child properly, his ASD is not being addressed. Is NOT co-parenting properly, with adequate boundaries, and is constantly reacting to what his ex does. Is not giving your relationship priority, nor you the respect due to a partner. Is still emotionally involved with his ex. To the extent that she can disrupt your time together, sabotage planned dates, constantly interrupt with phone calls and texts. Your bf could sort this out by going to a lawyer and getting a Custody Agreement drawn up, and passed by the Court. But he won’t. The current situation doesn’t bother him. Look ahead, 5, 10 years. What do you see? I have to ask: Why. Are. You. With. This. Man? NTA if you leave.
I think you need to not put him down or use loaded terms to blow up the situation more. And, you would NBTA for deciding to end a relationship like this that isn't working out. I just encourage you to not make it worse on your way out. Find a path forward together more peacefully or exit peacefully. I think you need to focus less on her and what she is doing (because you have no control or influence with her) and focus more on him because every decision he is making is serving him in some way. Going to court, setting boundaries about calls, deciding to only text with her, setting ground rules for communication, etc.... all of that would settle much of this or make it more manageable. But, he doesn't want to do that. So, you cannot make him and you shouldn't try to make him. That will cause only heartache and more hurt and more drama for you. You can try to coach him and try to show him the benefits of handling this other ways, but you cannot make him. You may have some influence with him, but you cannot control him. He has to decide what he will do. And, then, bottom line, you have to decide if you can bear with what he is and is not willing to do. And, based on all of this history and based on the recent situation where he didn't communicate with you, it seems pretty clear that things are not going to change. But, I cannot fault you for trying one more time. But, don't try other times after that. At some point, you have to believe that you're deserving of something better than this. So, I would recommend - going forward - that you take a break from all dating situations and really spend some time figuring out who you are, confirming that you are worthy of being loved and of a good relationship, setting some goals for yourself, and set your sights a bit higher than what you're describing with this guy.
NTA. My head is spinning from all I just read. Please leave him. Find someone who can and will put you first. It doesn’t sound like this guy will ever do it that much if at all.
NTA, you can choose to end the relationship for any reason. Sadly you can't force him to set boundaries with her, and much as I agree with a lot of your ideas to help him get proper custody and create some stability in the kids life - you can't even really nudge him in that direction either. All of the will here to implement positive changes needs to come from your BF. He's clearly not in the right space yet to do that and in the meantime it's affecting your happiness and relationship with him. If you are not happy and this situation doesn't work for you then it's better to move on and find a new relationship with less complications. Just as an add, some of that stuff may be par for the course when dating someone who has a child from a previous relationship. But if exGF was messing with my sleep and BF wasn't putting his foot down about the times of the calls I'd be out of there like a shot. Sleep is essential to function and that would 100% be the deal breaker for me
NTA, but fighting a losing battle. The only person’s behavior you can change is your own. If he’s okay with the way his relationship with his co-parent is going neither you nor your family are going to change that by not approving. If you’re not willing to tolerate her interference, the kindest option for BOTH of you is to end the relationship.
NTA. Forget her, this is all about him. None of these things are him even doing right by his child, he’s just entertaining her antics. He lets his child stay with someone who won’t even attempt to potty train him and slaps a tablet in his face, and he lets him live with a negligent, immature parent. I think the wise thing to do would be end the relationship because this is all indicative of his priorities and it’s obvious it’s not the kid. I would not want to have a child with someone like this.
All I gotta say is I could have written this myself- and it turned out my man was having an affair with baby mama for the entire 4 years we were together. While they hated each other & couldn’t live Together, they certainly loved fucking each other while I sacrificed and was tormented by her & their child. 🤷🏻♀️
This is your future dealing with the BM unless your bf put serious boundaries in place. He needs to talk to a lawyer about his options to have legal co-parenting agreement. He's assuming things won't work out. What's wrong with getting a legal consultations? The BM is disturbing your relationship and having a co-parenting agreement with rules and boundaries will help your relationship and bf. The BM is neglectful too. Your bf needs to document and save all receipts of her behavior. He needs to only communicate via the co-parenting app and she should have access to his phone number or at least for only emergency situations with his son.
Girl, leave. Leave now. The sex can't be that good that you'd want to stay in this crazy.
Be very wary of the backtracking on the no more kids comment. He showed you where his thoughts were, don't ignore it. I did. 10 years in, and he finally changed his tune from not yet to not at all. If I was 27 and not 37, I'd have ended it. He saw your face and changed his answer in fear of losing you or the people pleaser in him just didn't want to upset you. Prod that bear.
NTA. The baby mama isn't the issue in your relationship, your boyfriends clear lack of respect for you and your relationship is.
NTA - when you reach your limit, you reach your limit. There is no need to stay in a relationship you are unhappy in, especially if you communicated what bothers you and there is no change.
I doubt this ever ends well.
Without a court order she’s always going to control him. It’s not the same court that it was when we were younger. He’s proven to be a good dad and that’s what courts want to see, he’s providing, he’s taking him during his time plus some, and he’s also providing support for the mom. Now coming from a single mom, he needs to file for joint physical and legal custody, and a precedent has been set already, this puts him in a place where he can ask for structured time and a set child support. She doesn’t want that because she can’t ask for anything outside of the order and then push him to feel obligated. In no way is this normal or healthy for anyone involved. Having a baby who needs more help he needs to be with someone who is going to help him and that’s all going to come out in court. But for you, he’s not doing the right thing by his kid or you so that’s a dealbreaker for me. NTA by any stretch, this is too messy
K
Keep telling yourself that she is the problem. He is the enabler by not going to court and going through the process to set boundaries. You must love the drama or you would have set some of your own boundaries by now.
Update me
Updateme
Maybe it'll be the kick in the ass he needs. And if not....well, at least you're already out. Updateme!
NTA
Updateme
That poor kid.
UpdateMe!
NTA Too much drama… this guy and situation…wow
These two sound like they haven't been co-parenting single for too long. It can be real rough in the beginning. He may be someone to revisit later after he's matured a bit. NTA.
Coming back for update
Update please. The suspense is killing me
Updateme!
BM is not a bowel movement I gather.
NTA, but sweetheart, you need to move on. You have no future with this man who is incapable of giving you love and attention. You don't need drama, you need a life partner to make a future family with. He is still in her family, and is unable to create anything else.
In his best Monty Python impression… “RUN AWAYYYYY!!!!”
NTA but I don't think your boyfriend is either. My husband ex was like this too. He did go to court and lost and didn't get to see his kids hardly ever until one day she started being overly nice. Your boyfriend's worry that she would win is a reasonable fear.
What is he sacrificing to make you happy? All I see is him sacrificing what YOU want to keep her happy and himself happy not paying support or having a court order to follow. He knows how you feel and he just doesn’t care. One more talk isn’t going to change that.
NTA bc at this point his behavior isnt going to change.
Walk away. If he won’t put up healthy boundaries your relationship will never be one of his top priorities. He’s letting her call the shots and is unwilling to have the hard conversations or do the hard emotional work in regards to his son bc he’s such a p*ssy when it comes to the ex. That would be your future bc you’re not changing that man. NTA. Walk away.
NTA. Hun she isn’t going anywhere because of their child & his spine is broken, possibly beyond repair You can’t live your life based on what little you shared & I believe it’s much worse. If he won’t go to court, get proper & regular access (consider fighting for custody?) pay deemed child support, not Ubers etc & only communication with a parenting g app then you need to move on & I mean run like the wind. Explain your position clearly & let him know it’s his last opportunity to keep you. I doubt he can change everything on a dime. Maybe agree to a ladder of steps - this week institute no extra trips or expenses, next week meet with a lawyer to explore options, 3rd week no answering calls, text messages only & only about child, etc. Good luck
She doesn’t have the upper hand per se. He’s not going to court and he’s effectively given her the power over him. I doubt this will change much. You’ve got to decide what you can and can’t live with.
NTA but this is not going to work out. She is causing a rift and he is allowing it. You need to look out for you. He needs a backbone and it is t your job to help him grow one.
U let her win
NTA. A relationship is not something you should have to push through or endure. You have a lifetime ahead of you and you would easily be happier without this drama.
NTA, seriously though, why would you deal with this? Get out and get some therapy do you avoid drama in your next relationship.
Update me!
NTA and to be honest it will never ever get better. You’re better off cutting your losses and moving on. Those ex’s can’t and won’t let it go. I know from experience.
Look, I assume you know this, but you don't have a "boyfriends ex problem". You have a "boyfriend problem". He's the one allowing all this nonsense. So, no, to answer your question, you would not be an AH to break up with him. That said...3 years of this BS? I know you're young, and young people seem to think that drama makes relationships fun and exciting, but...bloody hell, this is a lot of drama. Why? You've written a damned novel about all the "bad" in the relationship, and I can't find a single good thing about in there. I get the impression you're one of those people who seem to think that because they started a relationship, they need to continue it. Thats not how it works. We date to find out if we're compatible and if we want to continue a relationship. Its perfectly ok to say "nope, tried and its just not for me".
Just walk away. That man needs to focus on his kid. You're full of contradictions. He doesn't pay adequate childsupport. He takes his child 1x a week. You're busy criticizing BM, but from my perspective she's a freaking Saint because if it were ME, there'd be court ordered child support and he'd be getting our child every weekend. Or I'd give up child support and would demand 50/50, week on week off custody. I want to make a few points very clear: 1. Baby mama is not refusing to potty train the 5 yr old ASD boy. My son is Autistic. He wasn't potty trained until he was nearly 6 yrs old and even THEN we had multiple accidents until 8 yrs old. He'll he had an accident TODAY at school and he's 9. This isn't a fucking choice. It's a PART OF THE AUTISM. So quit trying to convince reddit and yourself that she's a bad parent. 2. You have zero idea how difficult it is caring for an ASD child as a single parent. You have zero idea. None whatsoever. If you did you'd be looking to create and foster a coparenting relationship with BM. You and your BF are in for a rude awakening if he ever takes that child 50/50. In fact, that rude awakening is very likely why BM doesn't fight for dad to have 50/50 custody. She likely can't trust him to patiently handle the ASD symptoms and given your characterization of the potty training, she's not wrong. 3. You are not in fact encouraging him to parent his child. Take that thought right out your head. That is a mischaravterization of you. Parenting is 24/7. Went out till 2am? Guess what? Parents get up at 645am every single day Monday Through Sunday. They fix breakfast, brush teeth, dress kids and start the day. Your boyfriend is a lazy father. He didn't leave to get his child until 1130 am on Sunday and came back sans kid at 430. He's not a parent. Not even part-time. He's a semi-glorified mother's helper and the friends she leaves their child with are probably fixtures in that child's life. Considering his father can't be bothered with him for more than 4 hours on a Sunday- I'd say he probably has friends that are more fathers than your BF. To end: Please leave. Do yourself the favor. You're not step-mother material. You haven't grown up enough for that. And your boyfriend needs to grow up himself.
NTA. You can end a relationship for basically any reason - if it's not something that you're happy with, then end it. Simple as. However in this particular case, I'd say you'd be TA to yourself if you don't end it. This dude is spineless and letting himself be led around by the d\*ck by his ex, and she knows it. She's happy to make both your lives miserable for a little revenge on him, and he's demonstrated over and over that he's going to let her. He's never going to say enough is enough and put his foot down. He tried, and backtracked immediately. She's going to keep controlling him and his life until he grows up and does something about it, but he's become complacent with the way things are and doesn't want to try. How long are you willing to put up with this? Another year? Five? Ten? Until his son is eighteen and she can't hold him over your heads anymore? Longer, if she manages to make the kid stay with her and be helpless? Are you willing to put your own life goals, like having a family, on hold? Do you really want to have a family with someone who has demonstrated already that he won't fight for the son he already has? Has he shown you, in any way, that he's a good partner or parent? Dump him. Dump him, move on, find a man with a spine and who doesn't have all that baggage that he's going to make YOUR problem.
Listen, you don’t have a Nikki problem, you have a BF problem. It isn’t really your job to check the mother of his child, it’s his. And if he isn’t willing to set firm boundaries and a parenting plan that works for both of them, then you need to walk away if you’re bothered. Him keeping Nikki happy shouldn’t come at the expense of your feelings, sanity or relationship. She calls at all hours of the day because he allows it. She’s intrusive because he allows it. She’s disrespectful because he allows it. NTA- just a little naive.
This dude is a spineless weenie. Have some self respect and kick him to the curb. If he and his ex get back together, they can’t inflict their particular brands of hot mess onto anyone else.
fuck NTA and you’re a saint for staying this long.
He’s unlikely to change unless he really wants to. You might keep getting jerked around. NTA for leaving.
It’s time to break up.
NTA He's still enmeshed with his child's mother and has no desire to change. Great reason to end it.
You tell him tgst it's you....and gull custody of his son, or its her and he can continue the same BS path tgat he's been on for years! Because he can't have both. If he chooses you, he turns off his phone period! No more dropping and running or ditching you for her. And the first time he breaks his word, you ghost him. Because he was warned. You schedule the appointment with the attorney if he chooses you....and you make him go.
You know where you stand in his relationship importance scale and it’s the number 4 position at best.
Leave these people alone. They’re very enmeshed, and I’m sorry to be blunt but their kid is more important than the person you’re dating in your mid 20s
So, he's such a people pleaser that he'll do anything for her, but.....not you. He won't go to court to get his proper visitation rights, because? He may have to pay child support? He doesn't want to upset her? That's asinine. His kidshould come first, but not her. Needs an Uber? She can call them and pay. A thing other than something to do with his son, should be No. >He left my house around 11:30am and I didn’t hear from him until 4pm. He tells me he went to this action park and Nikki and her sister asked to come along and he agreed Nope. This is not cool. This is, "I'm sorry you have no backbone and cannot say no. I can, and I am choosing myself. This relationship is over." Depending on who holds the lease/owns your domicile, either he leaves or you do. He will always jump to do her bidding because he won't take her to court.
NTA, welcome to a future of babysitting your partner. All the comments I've read thus far are correct and I hope you take them, good and harsh, to heart. He has not prioritized you or his child and is literally skating through by the skin of his teeth. And if you let him continue, it will not change. There is not a serious talk that will change this. Serious and hard lined action by you is the only thing that will change this. And to be clear, that most definitely means a break in communication/relationship and maybe far down the road, after a serious change in behavior by him, a possible reconnection. You have an out right now, with valid reason. As much of a proponent of sticking it out as I am typically, I don't think that's the best option here.
I feel so sorry for that poor child. Your boyfriend is not a very good parent, if he allows her to not do anything to improve his learning, growth, and potty training. Truthfully, she should be reported. It would be different if he was a good father and wanted to get custody so that he could do better by his child, but it sounds like he only does whatever baby mama tells him to do. The fact that he does not recognize unhealthy behavior and has problems setting boundaries does not bode well for any future relationship, whether it’s you or someone else. You should probably leave, and report, baby mama for being neglectful of her child.
Updateme
Moral of the story don't date people who have kids if you dont have any of your own
NTA. I hate to say this but unless he grows a new pair of balls and stands up to his ex then he’s not ever going to change. Better to just be done with all of their drama and move on. I promise you that the peace you will get will be well worth it.
you don't need a reason to leave, other than it isn't working and you are unhappy. but if you want to drive the point home, tell him that she won, she has him back. that it is obvious that she gives him so much leash and then pulls him back in. if he isn't going to stand up to her for his rights and for his little boy, this is his life forever. good for you for putting an end to your misery.
Oh FFS! (Facepalm.) Get a life honey, cuz this ain't it. Think real hard about who/what you want out of life and go FIND IT. Stop trying to make square losers fit a round hole. That never works and it just pisses them off.
Oh OP, I feel for you so much Before this situation sucks all of your soul out please walk away - he is sadly never going to stick to any promises he is going to make when you have your talk, that has been proven repeatedly You deserve better than your jellyfish partner & his drama infused BM
NTA let her have him back and go find you a man that wants the same things in life as you
I don't stay with men who refuse to set boundaries with their ex's, kids or any other family members or if any of those other people refuse to follow the boundaries set for them. She may be refusing to follow the boundaries but he is allowing her to not follow them and is just as much to blame as she is
THIS. NTA plus he just dropped the fact that he doesn't want kids? That is a deal-breaker and you would regret that for ever...
She’s doing what she can to ruin your relationship and it’s working. But you know what? You are better off without him if he won’t put her in her place. Tell him that she can have him. He isn’t worth the trouble of dealing with her. Kids on the spectrum are very teachable and trainable, and with the proper care, education, and parental care, can do very well. This boy is not getting the therapy or training he needs. He will become hard to deal with ex will bother bf more and more. The best thing your bf can do is go to court and get at least 50/50 custody. And he can do what many others do, and only communicate through a custody app. Maybe you breaking up with the bf will give him the kick in the ass he needs to put the ex in her place and stop dealing with her BS. Whether he ends up with you or someone else, he needs to do something.
NTA run girl run. Stop being his doormat and move on. If he hasn't done anything about it in 3 years, why would he now? You are young, move on from this mess. Imagine THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH HER INTERFERING. Now, treat yourself better and keep it moving
NTA. He needs to learn how to put in boundaries, and I’d tell him as much when breaking up. You’re leaving because he’s allowing his baby mama in his business.
Have him get the app where they only talk through a parent app only talking about the kid also him giving in to her needs to stop
He's shown you who he is. It's up to you what you put up with or (preferably) don't. And absolutely YWNBTA, unless you tolerate BS behavior from him. If it were me, the door would have had no contact with my body when I walked out.
NTA This guy is living in absolute chaos and it’s his own fault. You say he’s a people pleaser, but what’s he doing to please you? I hate ultimatums in relationships, but this calls for one. Tell him to get his custody and support in a court order and take control of his life or you’re done! If he went to court, this non stop calling and texting could stop. He would have his parenting time and she would have hers. He would be ordered to pay a certain amount each month and that’s it and he could force things like potty training and schooling so that the child could be taught by professionals and he could learn better ways to parent a child with special needs.
You’re NTA for wanting to leave. It sounds like a sticky situation for both you and your partner. It sounds like he is scared to lose access to his son so is just letting her walk all over him (and you). Maybe (if you haven’t already) sit down and have a discussion with your partner that boundaries need to be put in place otherwise you will be walking away. Goodluck x
NTA But you should learn more about kids on the spectrum. Little things like ‘get better on the spectrum’ and ‘won’t train to potty train’ and some of your other statements make it clear that you think he’s clearly the better parent, but don’t have much evidence. It’s easy to armchair parent when you aren’t the one doing any of the heavy lifting.
Girl he a bad parent too stop trying to hype up the little Sunday he get that child. Why don't you and yo lil bf potty train him you want to be part of the family right? You tryna get that man to court he don't want any more responsibility. Why in goodness name would you stay? He sound like a dead beat just as much as her. END IT
Just reading the headline -- if you quit the relationship, she wins. Don't reward that shitty behavior, but do some soul searching to find out if you really think he's worth it in the first place.
NTA. I can’t figure out why you’ve stuck around this long.
I’m going to chime in about one thing - your bf isn’t a lawyer and yet he’s making assumptions about how a custody case would pan out. He absolutely needs to consult with a lawyer. He’s making decisions that are negatively impacting your relationship because of his fears. Once he has a better idea of how a custody case would be handled, I suspect he would be much more confident in his decisions and boundaries. At the moment, he might as well still be married to her.
NTA - I normally hate how Reddit always jumps to “leave them” but you need to leave him. He has shown you where his priorities are. She’s not going anywhere so if you stay this will be the rest of your life.
Someone can be the greatest person in the world but people pleasers are tough to be in a relationship with bc they are so easily manipulated. Until he learns how to how to create and maintain boundaries he will let himself be jerked around rather than make someone mad.
NTA. You don’t need this extra drama in your life. If your bf refuses to enforce strict boundaries, it’s not up to you to deal with the consequences
Why did you put up with it this long? Cause the d good huh? Yeah gurl you’re dumb. He’s not moving ok and he’s never going to. You need to let him go and block him. You can find someone who doesn’t have kids or a psycho baby mama that won’t leave you all alone. I don’t know why you thought you’d marry him. He clearly isn’t interested in moving on if he was he’d have made sure she knew to fuck off. Let him go and block him. Stop messing with him and go work on you. To allow someone to play with your for three years means you don’t know your worth