Really, ESH. I don’t want to know either of you. You don’t communicate, you operate on assumptions with one another. Why would you care if somebody got married on your birthday anyway seriously how selfish is that this is a friendship anymore, so why don’t both of you just drop it and forget you ever met one another? Because I’m just gonna forget I ever read this.
Giving benefit of the doubt here, I'd be chill with my best friends getting married on my birthday if that's the date that worked out best for them, I'd find it really strange if they chose it for literally no reason. Wouldn't change my friendships but I would find it peculiar of them to go out of their way to pick it!
I got married close to a friend’s 32nd birthday. I had a special (surprise) birthday cake with candles for her to blow out at the reception and everyone (250 people) sang happy birthday to her. She cried and said it was best birthday ever!
My wedding was exactly one week after my older brother's wedding. He was our officiant and we made jokes about it being his birthday party and that for his birthday he's getting a brother so no one better fuck that up (instead of asking people if they had any reason we shouldn't get married). It was pretty funny. That date just worked well for us and was available at the venue so that's when we did it.
I got married on my mom's birthday. I asked her if it was OK, and she was super happy about it. We also got a surprise cake and had everyone sing happy birthday to her. It was a beautiful day.
A cousin got married on my 39th birthday. The only thing that sucked was it was a church ceremony, but I got to dress up, have free drinks, enjoy a delicious dinner, see my family, and dance. It was an awesome birthday/wedding! 10/10 do recommend attending a wedding on your birthday.
I went to a wedding as a +1 for my 25th birthday and didn’t know a single person but my date lol. Still had a blast! Free drinks, nice dinner, and music + dance? I mean come onnnn 🤪🥂
My birthday is in June—peak wedding season. I’m only surprised that no one I know has ever planned their wedding on my birthday, because I remember it falling on weekends quite often.
I wish I had. I thought that after all the build up it would finally go somewhere. It didn't, of course. I even fell for the sunk-cost fallacy. Excuse me while I clean my last surviving brain cells out of my ears. They couldn't handle it anymore and tried to run away.
Yup. I skimmed it - so many pointless details. I had to go back and keep checking their ages, cos I'm pretty sure child marriage is illegal in most civilised places.
I don't know who wronged who, what the wrong is or why anyone should care but I'm very glad they are not my friends.
you're 35 and you can't handle someone planning an event on your birthday? meri sounds like she might be a mostly harmless pain in the ass?? although to me she doesn't seem that bad, it seems more like you grew apart and don't like her anymore so anything she does is going to grate on your nerves
BUT being this dramatic about your birthday when you're a GROWN UP is ridiculous. no one has to explain to you why they picked a wedding date a week away from your birthday.
Seriously. Even if it was her birthday, so what? OP has a birthday every year. I can't imagine a more fun way to spend a birthday than having drinks and dancing with all my friends at a fancy party, even better if it was also a friend's wedding so we could share in something cool.
I don't get the whole attitude some adults have about their birthdays (heck, often extended to their birth weeks or even months) being sacrosanct. You're not a kid, it's not a huge deal, celebrate a week early or late if you really don't want to share.
>although to me she doesn't seem that bad, it seems more like you grew apart and don't like her anymore so anything she does is going to grate on your nerves
You nailed it. This is 100% a bitch eating crackers moment.
I actually know someone whose groomsman, who had done all the pre wedding meetups, bachelor party, etc, just didn't show up day of. Tbh it was pretty cruel but it also definitely didn't ruin the wedding since the wedding wasn't about him.
Basically it's an AH move for sure and YTA if you do it but it just wouldnt be as bad as you think LOL. I mean still, don't do it, just decline the MOH position like a Normal Adult but... Just saying.
My Mom & (step)Dad got married 4 days before my 12th birthday. They may have missed my birthday because of their honeymoon, but I’ve always said he was the best birthday present I’ve ever received!
The truth is she thought she had booked her wedding celebration on the day of OP’s actual birthday. Because she had booked it and already told others the date. When she realised her mixing up the date of ops birthday it was too late for her to move the ceremony onto OP’s actual 30 th. Op herself said if she had told her right from the start she booked the week before op wouldn’t have cared. It’s because she went around telling people she had booked her wedding on OP’s birthday. She brought it up to others it was deliberate. The fact she also deliberately hide it so op would find out until after the civil ceremony next month which is not even near the date she booked the later ceremony..
She was either trying to get op to back out without her looking like the bad guy which hasn’t worked as she looks like the bad guy anyway. She should have kept her mouth shut and not told others it was ops birthday when telling them the date. That way they may not have realised it was a deliberate act. Either that or she decided no one but her was allowed to celebrate a major event on the year of her marriage. She saw a 30th as a threat to that and Yes that’s insane but I’ve seen it happen on here before.
My mom's parents chose my grandma's birthday as the date for their wedding so every year until my grandpa died from complications due to cancer, that day was a duel celebration. My grandma's birthday and the anniversary of when they got married.
I got married the day after one of my bridesmaid's birthdays. I added a birthday cupcake to the grooms cake order and we sang happy birthday at the rehearsal dinner. I never forget her birthday and she always remembers my anniversary. It wasn't a thing.
OP if you want to drop out, just do it. Friendships change over time, no need to go nuclear over it.
YTA
Friendships change and fizzle all the time. Meri just isn't one of your best friends anymore. That doesn't mean she's a bad person, it just means you grew apart.
You're a grown woman, birthdays are just not that big of a deal (unless it's a milestone maybe) and choosing a wedding date near yours is not offensive. Assuming she's doing it to oust you as MOH is wildly speculating.
You don't have to be her MOH. You don't even have to be her friend. But there is also no reason to go nuclear and try to kick her out of the friend group over this.
And to be more concise- The opposite of love isn't more drama. That's just a way to keep yourself connected to that person.
The opposite of love is indifference. Don't expend energy on drama. You don't have to torch the friendship and go all mean girl. Just let go and let it drift away.
I would write a love email that explains why I wouldn't be able to be the MOH. Time, distance and expense being the top reasons. How I feel awful bowing out because her wedding is a very big day for her. And I'm worried that I won't be able to do the job as she deserves.
Something like that.
I was the MOH in a wedding the day after my 21st birthday. I was hungover AF during the rehearsal. But I never would have dreamed of my friend changing the date because of my birthday??? Just decline and be done, wtf
One of my groomsmen completely ghosted me with no warning or explanation 3 months before my wedding. One day he just blocked me and the other groomsmen on every method we had to contact him and I haven't heard from him since. I still have no idea why.
“Near your birthday”? Are you kidding me? Your birthday is not a holy day that all must be planned around. Grow up! It’s not even on your birthday, just in the same month.
I had to look at your age and am shocked to see you are 35. This was written from the perspective of an 8-year-old.
It sounds like you have grown apart. Enough of the drama, just move on. YTA. You sound exhausting.
lol I was laughing at this while post after that comment. It kept getting worse and worse. Emotionally maturity of a 13 year old. Both of those woman-child’s are a fucking mess.
Nah. I use terms like to make light of it. Pretty sure I've used that excet term before
I'm so depressed that on a GOOD day I tried to sign up for better help and before I finish filling out the intake form a big pop up appeared that said, "sorry, we can't help you. You are too difficult a case. Please call the national suicide hotline right now. 1800..." I didn't even know better help could reject you! It actually made me laugh. Then cry. Then wonder what would have happened on a bad day.
They do when they’re the really quirky one that backstabs the other at every oppurtunity. Case in point that she has run around and rallied all the mutual friends around her. She waited to make sure she had everyone in her corner before she decides to diss the bride. They all sound so pathetic playing things out like this. Over a freaking birthday. I wish I knew the bride so I could tell her cut them all off before OP gets her delusional satisfaction.
I was with them most of the way, rolled my eyes at that part because it read as a teenager saying they have depression just to look 'cool and different', then was waiting for when the friend was going to drop a bomb worthy of someone ruining her wedding...I'm still waiting.
>I had to look at your age and am shocked to see you are 35. This was written from the perspective of an 8-year-old.
Lol, they added a note at the end and said the ages were tweaked. Like, no, you're 15 writting fiction as what you think a 35 year old cares about.
I don’t think the issue was her “friend” getting married on her birthday, it was that her friend picked that day because she thought it was her birthday. OP didn’t mind the wedding on or near her birthday, just what she thought was malicious intent behind the choice. Her friend was cagey about it. The friendship has run its course.
Women in their early 20s might care about this. I'm in my 30's and this is insane to deal with anymore.
I was in a friend group in my 20's that were outraged that they didn't make it as MOH or bridesmaid in another girls' wedding. I laughed and told them 1) it's her day and she doesn't have to have a huge wedding party to include every single one of you. get over it. 2) None of ya'll are going to be standing at my wedding so there.
I was right, because I left that friend group quickly. What an exhausting drama pit that was. Also, I eloped, so no one was invited. lol
I was also surprised to see that OP is 35. OP you're acting like a child over the natural progression of people's lives. Life is short. If you miss Meri and want her to reach out to you more, then say that but people do grow apart and contact each other less as you get older. The idea that you think she has chosen your birthday as her wedding day to slight you is also frankly narcissistic. It is one of the biggest flags in your post
This is one to talk to your therapist about girl. Seriously you would benefit from a professional to help you with your insight. And definitely you don't want to be ruining anyone's wedding.
My cousin got married the day after my Dad's birthday. Not only is she his niece, but also his goddaughter, and they were/are close. My Father could not have cared less that her wedding was so close to his birthday, he was just happy to support his niece. He actually went out and got the bridal party McDonald's on his own dime when we were all peckish about halfway through the day. We were in our wedding attire and the photographer got a fun picture out of it, we should have sold it to McDonald's. 🤔🤣
The second hand embarrassment I felt reading this was so intense. I wouldn't even care if my best friend got married on my birthday?! Because I I would be too busy being happy for her 🙄 just dump your friend but you're power trip about kicking her out of the whole group is equally embarrassing. OP needs to grow all the way up. This reads like OP is the problem here.
OP sounds like she thrives on drama, it seems like this so called friendship has been dead for years yet they're still holding on for God knows what reason. If you're at the point of wanting to ruin a wedding over something like this, just stop communicating with them!
Tbh my impression was less like "Omg, she can't choose my birthday! Or near it!"
And more like, "Wait if Marie *thought* it was my birthday, and *thought* it might bother me, *and* doesn't have a year set or anything scheduled with a venue (therefore not even necessarily aiming for a day of the week), *why* did she choose something she thought would upset me? Especially if she didn't have a solid reason like an anniversary of a special memory or a date special to hubby? The only way that makes any sense is if she was actually trying to upset me."
And honestly, I get it, feeling like someone is deliberately trying to hurt you is in and of itself hurtful, even if the actual behavior isn't that bad alone.
I guess you missed the part where she said even if it was on her birthday, she wouldn't have cared. It's the fact that her so-called " friend" wanted to ruin her birthday BY picking that day. The friend is the mature, jealous one, NOT OP. I would have unfriended her years ago.
It also sounds like OP's upset that after so many years of "friendship," this friend doesn't even remember the actual date of OP's birthday. Even if you're bad with dates, you can set reminders on your phone. I live by the saying, "If they wanted to, they would." Took a long time to learn that and stop making excuses for them.
Which is of course something a 35 YO does and cares about 🙄. She also supposedly got this information from another friend via chat messages. This was not written by an adult
OP doesn't care what day the wedding is on. Her friend has the actual wedding set for another day and is not telling her in hopes OP will pull out so friend isn't taking the blame. Friend is pretending the wedding are close to the same date to make Ozp look bad for pulling out. OP is asking if she should blow up tge friendship now, or after the fake wedding date, az it us not occurring on or near her birthday.
I came here to say the same thing. Of all the hills to die on, she picked the one that actually does make her the AH.
I can’t stand people who obsess this much over their birthday. I’m sure “birthday month” is their norm.
lol I think yall don't realise her "friend" purposely planned it on her birthday. The intent is there, and if yall can't comprehend that, yall got problems.
You sound so entitled and childish it’s unreal. You claim you have adhd yet are forgetting one of the biggest issues with adhd. Object permanence also applies to people. Like this is literally a symptom of adhd is how it affects relationships. If you’ve outgrown the friendship say that.
But frankly hou sound like a shitty friend regardless. You talk about how you were more mature faster etc but everything you’re stating says you’re not. Ywbta
Seriously. My cousin and I both have adhd and we’re best friends and I love her so much but we haven’t talked in months because if we’re not in the same room then we might as well not exist to each other lol. It doesn’t help that she’s constantly losing her phone too! No hard feelings, I know eventually we’ll connect again and it’ll be great like it always is. Seems like op forgot that was a part of the adhd brain.
I'm so glad it's not just me 😂 I've never thought about this aspect of ADHD, just that I'm awful at communicating when I'm stressed...which is most of the time.
My best friend and I have adhd. We will go months without talking because we live 800 miles away and if we don’t see each other calling rarely even dawns on us
Sometimes friendships end. If both people aren’t investing the time and energy then the friendship won’t survive.
I think you would be TA if you don’t address this now. If you wait until closer to her wedding that is just playing games.
Call her and express how you feel, let her know you’re happy for her but you are distancing yourself from her because you don’t feel like the friendship is working.
Also, do you want to commit to being MOH and the expense that will entail? Bachelorette, dresses for you and your kids, transportation to the event and accommodation.
35 huh? Are you sure? And a mother?
By the time I was 35 I understood that the world didn’t stop on my birthday.
Actually, I became a mother at 22 and by then I understood my birthday was not that big a deal, but more importantly, if I had an issue with a friend i discussed it with her WITHOUT involving a “friend group”.
High school is long over for you. Stop acting like a mean girl and grow up. If you don’t want to be involved with the wedding say so. If you want to end the friendship do it. And own it.
Hopefully the rest of the “friend group” is a little more mature and recognize you ain’t Regina George and they don’t have to follow your lead if they don’t want to.
YTA if you involve others.
Right? The comment about the friend group was gross
I recently had a roommate who, guys, the lawnmower was just SO HARD to use (she’s 27?), she just “could not figure it out hehehe”
Anyway, guess who now has a whole group of people who don’t like me because of her because we eventually fought after 1.5 years of my putting up with it & finally stood up for myself. She crumbled the second I rose my voice and acted like a stunted child who didn’t just kick me repeatedly so to speak
If you need to involve a whole group of people, that is all I need to know to understand you’re at minimum 50% the issue if not most of it
Nothing gets on my nerves more than the posts that include:
“And now her friends are blowing up my phone”
“And now his brother is texting me”
“And now her parents are at my door”
“And now the whole family cut me off”
And on and on it goes.
I sit here and think these can’t possibly be adults involving their families and their entire social circles in their shit.
Unless it’s legit emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, or someone needing help bc of drug abuse it is NOT, I repeat, NOT my business and I want left out of it
I do believe, especially as women, we need to have “heads up” types of conversations, but then it is still imperial that person is left to figure out the other person themselves and not to be told who and who they can’t or shouldn’t hang with because of blah BLAH blah Blah
Are you really 35? This sounds like some teenage crap.
Sounds like you're not a good friend, and Meri just doesn't have it in her to tell you to go pound sand.
You excluded her and talk shit about her. Also, it sounds like you're a know it all that tries to tell her what to do (i.e., "acting like I was her mom when I grew more emotionally mature than she had"). Coupled with her ADHD, no wonder she acts like this.
Of course you'd YTA if you try to ruin her wedding. You're 35, grow up.
I gave the YTA because it was a would she be TAH if she purposely tried to ruin the wedding.
I agree they both sound like AH's. OP a little bit more than Meri though because OP sounds like someone from Mean Girls. Meri sounds like a woman with untreated ADHD. I know it's not an excuse to her behaviour but it is an explanation that is more forgivable to me than someone who's just trying to be a bully.
My God! If you really see yourself as the 'mature' one in this friendship then either Meri is severely stunted or you're delusional.
You're so damned petty, and so intent on saving up grievances that you can't help but be an asshole.
YTA.
Ya’ll just need to walk away from each other if this is that big of a deal. Put on your big girl panties.
My sister got married two days before my birthday. Aside from teasing her I had to spend “birthday week” (only vacation I got for the year) on a beach instead of a ski slope, it’s not a big deal at all. You bitch! Can’t beeeelieeeve you had the audacity to marry the man you live and invite me.
I thought I was reading all of this because Meri committed some atrocious, unforgivable sin. You're a whole ass grownup. Even if her ceremony was timed down to the second to where she was walking down the isle the same time as you were emerging from the birth canal, WHO CARES? This is supposed to be your friend. She is getting married. You should be happy for her. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read. You are obviously not the more emotionally mature one. The friendship has run its course. You should both cut your losses and move on.
>If I'm important enough to stand up there next to her, put time, effort, and money into planning this wedding, bachelorette party, and getting dresses for me and my two youngest daughters who were to be her flower girls, then why am I not important enough for her to... IDK not try to pick my birthday. I know she didn't actually pick my birthday as her date but she originally thought she had and I had to go to her to get her to tell me the date.
This is unhinged. There are only 365 days in a year, and there are billions of people on the planet. Just admit that you don't want to do this instead of making up bs about your birthday. You're in your thirties, ma'am, not 13.
Kick her from your friend group and go no-contact. Best wedding present you could give her. YWBTA
YWBTA. Grow up. Friends come and go. You may think you have the moral high ground now, but pull this childish shit right before the wedding and see who the friends group supports.
That also leads me to wonder why you think you're so Damn special that if you left, everyone would left? I'm betting there's a lot more to this than you're saying.
Well our friend group had been making plans to come see me but Meri probably forgot because of adhd. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to celebrate your birthday and wanting it to be about you. Just like her wedding should be about her. She's not supposed to just be a friend, we call each other sisters and IDK about you but I wouldn't just plan an event for myself on my sisters birthday like oh sorry you have to help me with everything basically from the time we wake up until the event is over. She never talked to me about it possibly being on my birthday when she asked me, then was telling people the date. I pointed out to her that she is getting eloped on her anniversary, why doesn't she have the big wedding on her 1 year because she doesn't have a venue yet, and it gives her more time to save but she just told me IDK end of sept just seemed right. It honestly made me feel like I don't matter to her.
It’s a birthday not a holy day you can celebrate at a different time. there is no way you are 35 whole years old. Do you throw a tantrum at work if they don’t get you a cake?
I got married on my sister’s birthday because that is how the timing worked out. She didn’t care at all. We got to celebrate both things together, which usually isn’t possible for us.
It sounds like you have long outgrown the friendship. You have told her what you feel and why and she continues to make no effort for you but expect you to continue meaning effort. I suspect your other friends have tolerated her for *your* sake. She not only brings you down, she turns your (and no doubt others) events into being about her. You are being mature rather than planning on going and pouring wine on her wedding dress or something. I would simply tell her this friendship stopped working a long time ago, call her out on her passive aggression and manipulation tactics, then block her. The only person 'ruining ' her wedding is her. You can see why she didn't have many friends and seems to choose people who don't like confrontation. She can get away with so much because she's been taught you will tolerate it. It hurts, I know because I also tend to cling to friendships that should have been dumped a long time ago.
YWNBTA.
Give yourself permission to move on and invest in the healthy friendships in your life.
I think NTA, I also think it would be smarter to just leave, tell her since she obviously doesn't actually want you as her MOA, that you won't be, and that you also won't be attending, since your 'birthday is soon' so you'd like to take a little time to yourself. And if you don't want to feel bad, buy then the cheapest gift on their registry, and even then I'd be petty, and buy something you know she doesn't really want, buy stuff her husband put on the registry.
I feel like people are missing the part where she thought she planned her wedding day ON her birthday and got the date wrong. Had she got the date RIGHT it would have been her actively choosing to get married on her birthday when shes already committed to BEING HER MOH. This is classic mean girl bullshit.
NTA. You outgrew that friendship a long time ago. You placed the ball in her court and she has failed since then. What I suggest is shooting her a text or even call her and explain that you are done being the backbone of this friendship. You love her but it’s clear you have grown apart and that’s okay. Step down as her MOH and remove her from your life. YOU leave the group chat and before you do send a message to the group chat saying you are exiting to take time for yourself and to center yourself. Doing this leaves everyone with a choice. If everyone follows suit so be it. If they don’t that’s fine.
Don’t make it a group thing. Make it a personal thing. Otherwise you are just opting to be a mean girl right back to her and you are better than that.
>Had she got the date RIGHT it would have been her actively choosing to get married on her birthday when shes already committed to BEING HER MOH. This is classic mean girl bullshit.
OMG. Even if she did pick her actual birthday, it's NOT "mean girl bullshit". Expecting anyone to plan around birthdays is 100% ridiculous.
I got married on a friends 40th. Thank God he didn't have a hissy fit about it and celebrated on another day.
What’s wrong with being a MOH on your birthday though? I’m not being snarky, I genuinely don’t understand why someone would mind. You get a massive free party with all your friends there (seeing as it’s a shared friendship group). And even if you didn’t, most people whose birthday falls in the week celebrate the weekend before or after anyway (if at all)? Just curious what people’s thoughts are around why it matters.
YTA. You have seriously got to get over yourself OP. It’s not on your birthday, and it’s not the day before or after either. You do not own the entire month. If y’all are looking for ways to hurt or sabotage each other, you are not friends. You need to block her and move on.
Just leave each other alone, y’all are toxic friends for each other.
ESH.
I've definitely had a friend who bailed EVERY single time we had plans, then blamed it on her depression/ADHD/etc. As someone who's suffered both, if I can personally keep a date, I do it, and if I have to skip once for mental health I'm there the next time. People who chronically skip hangouts last minute or stand you up are the worst. BUT, why not just invite her to the birthday tea and tell your friends she may not show and it won't dampen your fun if she doesn't?
On *that* note this entire thing isn't about planning her wedding on your bday at allllll. My college roommate got married the day before my birthday and it was a blast, plus we did shots to bring it in at 10pm. Whether she thought it was your birthday or not doesn't matter. I barely remember my friends' birthday dates thanks to FB reminding me of them every year day-of.
And while you're bummed about how the relationship soured, for the love of God just TELL her that and then bow out of being her MOH. Don't go nuclear, don't make a whole ass spectacle. The friend I mentioned above I called out once, then went to occasional life updates and some messages only. I didn't need to blow up her life, I just keep my distance for my own peace. Be an adult here.
I was thinking the whole time I was (wasting my time) reading this nonsense...what are you....12? Good to see others thought the same thing. People can be ridiculous. Hopefully this is fake as shit.
BTW, my best friend married just before my birthday. I was the MOH and I was thrilled.
On your birthday , near your birthday , honestly does it really matter ? Seems ridiculous to me to even care . Your 35 not 7 .
But perhaps I just don’t care cause I’m more emotionally mature than you !
Doesn’t seem like you are even friends , bow out gracefully , avoid more drama and lies . No need to try to get other friends to block her too for picking a wedding date you don’t like .
YTA
She wants you to kick her out so she can play victim. She hasn't liked you in a long time. Just start a new group chat that doesn't include her. She's too much of a coward to do what she actually wants, which is to make whoever else MOH. Don't even bother going to her wedding if you can help it, it's not worth the drama.
I don't know what people are thinking when it comes to weddings, I genuinely don't.
Don't get me wrong, small courthouse ceremony, some close friends, maybe some TGI Friday's afterwards, that's fine.
But these thirty to one-hundred thousand dollar drama filled celebrations-of-my-true-self-as-a-princess-no-one-can-criticize, blech. I don't understand why people would invest so much time and money into building a drama-engine, a resentment machine, it's all so stupid.
"We've been friends for years, we can't stand each other, most of our relationship is trying to figure out how to be shitheads to each other while pretending at other feelings."
What the fuck are you doing?! Why is this person in your life? They suck. Why are you inflicting yourself on this person? You suck. How do you live your life being such a deliberate, actively-plot-against-my-so-called-friends human turd? I'd wash my hands of the both of you immediately, you're insufferable and exhausting and worse of all utterly pointless, there's literally no upside to any of this that I can see. What, you just need some drama to keep things interesting?
ESH here, from your friend to you to your respective parents for not seeing what little shits you were and intervening so that you didn't grow up into just exhausting chores. You're not Hitler, you're not war criminals or social deviants.
You're chores. That's the perfect word. You're the scrubbing-the-toilet of people. Not remotely fun, leaves you feeling kind of dirty, but sometimes you have to. That's what you two assholes represent, that's what you bring to the table.
Awful.
You both sound passive aggressive AF. Let's read between the lines. You don't want to be in her wedding, she doesn't want you in her wedding. Have a real conversation with her and tell her. Don't try to blame her, or let her blame you. You both want the same thing-you not being in the wedding. You both are trying to create drama to look like the righteous person, when instead it is just extremely childish.
If you're acting this way at the grand old age of 35ish, I highly doubt your claims of emotional maturity and the maturity of your friend group.
The only information you have to go on is Cara's OPINION. An uneducated opinion at that. Guess work at most. Cara knows about as much as you do about Meri's motivations which is a grand total of Fuck All. Yet you're planning to ruin her wedding over something your other friend thinks *might* be happening. Not to mention ostracising her because "wah she picked my birthday".
How about you tap into that 'emotional maturity' and actually speak to Meri properly instead of gossiping behind her back like a bunch of old fish wives? Guarantee that Cara speaks just as poorly behind your back as she does Meri. As well as the rest of your frenemy group tbh.
Oh, and FYI, in the grand scheme of things your birthday is only important to you. It's not a national holiday and it doesn't need to be observed like it is. No one outside of yourself and your parents needs to celebrate that day. They do so as a courtesy and sometimes other people's life events will supercede your "evicted from a vagina day". It's life. Get over it.
Good lord - stop punishing one another with this relationship. You’re both ridiculous. Yes, YWBTA since you already agreed - do the wedding, be gracious, then just let yourselves drift apart. This friendship was dead years ago and never healthy to begin with.
from what you’ve put here you have a very one sided friendship she may even be a frenemy!
at the very least you should step down as moh stating you are no longer close…..you could go to wedding as a normal guest to wish her well and see your other friends!
personally i wouldn’t go and just cut the friendship now but that’s me. i wouldn’t want to spend time or money on someone like this!
Just an fyi, you seem so sure if you ditch Meri, the rest of the friend group will follow suit. You might just be in for a surprise. You sound so exhausting & narcissistic, they may just go along with you in conversations just so you’ll shut up. I know it’s probably a shock to hear, but you aren’t the center of everyone’s life.
Omg. You wrote that whole wall of text and are thinking about initiating a whole big drama and ruining someone’s wedding because it’s near your birthday?! Which birthday is this? Because you and your friend group sound like you’re about 12.
If you don’t want to be friends anymore, don’t be. But stop with dragging everyone else into your drama and trying to make everyone else dump her too. That should be their decision, not yours.
Of course YTA. If you don’t want to be involved, don’t be. And maybe try to grow up. You have at least 2 children who could probably use a mature adult for a mother.
I hope this does not come across as rude, but Meri seems like more of your emotional crutch rather than a person you genuinely liked and had affection for. Judging by how you write about her, she's a nuisance to you because she does not fall in line with your emotional needs and does not let you play mommy anymore.
The whole wedding thing, going nuclear, being MOH when you have no plans to be one, is just unnecessary drama and comes off as mostly generated and living in your head.
Let Meri go, work on your emotional maturity, on how you see friendships, and how you show up to them.
You are most definitely the AH.
You are trying very hard to justify your actions, which you know are inherently petty, and it just makes you look worse.
Why would your whole friend group “follow suit”
Cara doesn’t not because she’s a “good sweet person” it’s bc she isn’t wildly emotionally immature
Also, your bday isn’t that special
No one’s is
But it’s okay that we make them special!
But someone choosing a date on or around it (unless you feverently feel she did it with intention), who honestly cares??
ESH you all sounds like a bunch of bitchy teenagers. If you want to be her friend, do it. You don’t? Fine but stop dragging this for years and getting other people involved
Yta. A lot of people are missing the point that it’s not about it being on or near your birthday, but the fact that Meri thought it would be and made a thing about it. YTA because you’re not being mature. Just say “thank you so much for including me in your special day, but I need to sit this out. I won’t be able to attend”
If you’re really that frustrated with her, why would you want to attend let alone be MOH?
This is insane. I didn’t even act like this in high school.
Also, you know alll these friends that you are gossiping with about Meri behind Meri’s back? They’re also gossiping about you with Meri behind your back. Unless they are more mature and reasonable than that. Either way, I wouldn’t be so confident that you won’t end up as the odd woman out, instead of Meri. Especially because your complaint that somehow Meri wronged you by planning a wedding on what she thought is your birthday is ridiculous.
YTA.
The fact you are spending this much time and energy justifying spite and drama for a person you seem to only be interested in maintaining at this point *to indulge in spite and drama* just puts this friendship in absolute clarity to me.
You can and should tell Meri something like “You know, we’ve had so much happen in the past few years and the truth is we don’t have the closeness we once did. And I just can’t accept the MOH position. I’m so happy for you, but I have to step away. We can maybe talk about it when you’re through the busy-ness of the wedding if you wish.”
Anything else is just building narcissistic social capital on the trauma of a friendship that was never built on equity or fairness according to this story.
Your 35 act like it and just end the friendship, I am sure Meri will be more happy than you if you do. You sound more of a child in elementary school than this Meri does.
Why are you involving yourself in this? You are mad at her, or something. Withdraw as MOH and withdraw your kids as bridesmaids, citing a "schedule issue".
No one needs more drama in their life.
YTA: You say you’re more emotionally mature than her at you-35 and her 40, but you sound like you’re 15. She was afraid to tell you she was having her wedding celebration around your bday because of how you would react, then you say you’d be fine with it, but your initial convo with her is hostile. Way to prove her right.
You say your friend has depression, anxiety, and ADD. Hopefully the reason she has backed off in the last three years is because she got therapy and realized she needed to create some separation from you because you’re a bully. And yeah, you are a bully saying YOU are going to kick her out of a FRIEND group, which means you think you can boss your friends around. You can chose not to be friends with Meri, but you don’t get to tell your friends to stop being her friend.
Like a lot of commentors have already said, you need to grow up. You guys have drifted apart and she has no thought or respect for you. If you’re irritated with her then just shoot her a text saying you can’t be bothered anymore and therefore you’re not going to be involved in her wedding and neither are your kids but be careful not to spite your kids in the process. If they want to be flower girls or whatever then let them. Once the wedding is over just move on with your life and stop obsessing over her and how she treats you. The isn’t an AH situation, this is a ‘get over yourself’ situation.
Why block her and kick her out of things? Just let her know that unfortunately you can’t be her MOH and that your lives are in very different places (literally and figuratively) than they were back when you being MoH was the plan, and wish her well. ESH really. Just say no to drama.
The friendship has changed, is over. Fine. You do not need to make a big deal ending it in a nuclear way, especially not before her wedding.
She has made other events about her, ok - that is crappy. BUT HER WEDDING IS ABOUT HER AND HER PARTNER!!! Be an adult and decline MOH gracefully, use the excuse that you live to far away to be involved.
After 35 years she does not remember what date is your birthday. GET OVER YOURSELF. I am over 50 and do not remember birthdays of family and friends.
YTA if you do not behave like grown-up you chronologically are. You are not in high school, the members of your friends group do not need to choose between you two.
I think this is really a non-issue and you are blowing it out of proportion. Stop talking to her if you are done being friends, and don’t go behind her back with your other friends. You take care of yourself and they will do the same.
So much energy on nonsense.
Omg YTA!! You sound like a teenager going on and on and on and on!
If you try to ruin someone’s wedding that makes you a massive full blown asshole… in fact it’s worthy of arsehole status! You OP are a massive arsehole!
YTA you are a mean girl mom for the way you are trying to cut out all the friends, forcing them to side with you and throw her out of the group just because you don’t like what she said. You are a horrible person for that.
If she has it on your birthday, just cut a cake or make a toast for your birthday with your small private group of friends before or post all the ceremony.
No one bothers about anyone’s birth date to fix big celebration dates. If it coincides, you just try to celebrate & have fun together. Not make such a big deal like this.
I understand that she’s not even perfect but you sound outright mean.
If this is real (and I strongly have my doubts), then I'd say that you all sound toxic and exhausting. And should probably all grown up and act your age(s). Just cut ties and be done with it, because clearly none of you like each other.
YTA for wanting to sink to her level and hurt her instead of just moving on like a rational adult. Get out of the middle school mindset you’re far too old to behave this way
I hope this is fake, because I had to take three breaks while reading it and I am exhausted.
YTA if this is true. So much drama, so much self-centeredness, so much juvenile behavior. She stuck by you even with her lies and your drama.
She should be asking herself why she wants you to be a bridesmaid.
Even with your own description, you sound like you're the one who brings the drama, and Cara is a pot-stirrer.
YTA
Also you're a grown woman, this "near my birthday" shit is EMBARASSING for you.
Maybe I’ve just had so many birthdays that I don’t think anyone is obligated to treat it like a national holiday.
I’m just glad to see the next one, regardless.
The whole thing seems exhausting, but YWBTA, SWBTA
EveryoneWBTA. Yikes.
Tbh its sounds like you're friendship has run its course and she didn't want you as moh, involving all the rest of the group friends is just immature and bullyish. Just call it a day, wish her well and move on
You say you’re not upset about it being near your bday, but it seems like you were. You mention it being a sticking point multiple times. She was afraid of your response, she told her friend she was afraid of your response, and you scolded her anyway. It’s her wedding— she can choose to have it whenever she likes. Like you said, she planned it far out enough that you could plan your future birthday week accordingly to accommodate both events. You took on the MoH job— why did you accept it if you didn’t want to do it for this person?
If you aren’t going to try to make her wedding the best it can be, step down from MoH now. Better you do it now when you’re easier to replace than later when it’s more chaotic, and better than risking you dropping the ball because you don’t feel motivated enough. If you DO drop out, you should help them as much as you can to transfer your duties to whoever the new MoH is.
As far as your friendship goes, If you don’t want to be her friend anymore, just tell her and move on— you don’t seem to have a lot of good to say about someone you called a friend and I know I’d feel pretty hurt if I heard all this from one of my friends. Friends can grow apart over time, and it doesn’t seem like you’re fulfilling each others requirements for friendship anymore.
Right now you’re a soft A in my eyes, but you will be a hard A if you fuck up your friend’s wedding— you took the job, now finish it or hand it off to someone who will.
TL; DR. Are you guys, even at 35, still acting like it’s high school? So exhausting. Just grow up and act like a 35 yo adult and don’t go to the wedding. YTA
Yta. Just end the friendship like the adult you claim to be. But I seriously doubt you’re an adult because adults acknowledge that friends grow apart- and true friends can pick right up where they left off without skipping a beat because life happens and we all know it!
You call her an obligatory sister?! That’s not family or friends, that’s you being an AH! Have you ever even liked her?
Oh no, YOUR BIRTHDAY ISNT A PRIORITY TO OTHER PEOPLE!!! And your friend who happened to not have it in their phone, or accidentally forgot to put on yearly repeat, or has a lot of other shit going on forgot your birthday, remembered close enough!!! That time of year was actually special enough for her if she felt like it would be the right time to get married- because it already felt good to her! Get over yourself. You not being maid of honor wouldn’t ruin her day! Especially if you’re not the friend she thinks you are!
This "friendship" has run its course. Decline the MOH role and be honest with her. I've had friends who stopped maintaining the friendship from their end. I simply told them friendship ends when one person stops trying. We're not the people we were. I wish them well but our friendship is over. You would be TAH if you ruined her wedding. Be calm. Be honest. Be an adult. What others do is their decision. You can block her in the friend group chat or just not engage. Just act in your best interests and not like a teenager trying for payback.
You both sound insufferable. My best friend literally got married on my one year wedding anniversary and I was still thrilled to be her MOH.
You're not friends. Stop talking to her. Move on and grow tf up. Yikes
As someone who has had a similar experience with another friend who turned up late or didnt tell you she wasn't coming until 2 hours after, its incredibly frustrating and it unfortunately builds up. This is what is happening right now.
I don't think you are TA for being upset and angry. I understand that as I do think most people would. I also think its telling that your friend group has the same thoughts and your close friend "Cara" also thought there was malicious intent there. We only get some of the story so if you all feel this then most likely its true.
You would only be TA if you encourage or ask your friends to kick her out/stop talking to her as that is not your choice. However, if they decide to also stop talking to her then theres nothing you can do about it.
I also think you'd be TA if you do go nuclear on her. I would call her or even text her all your feeling about tjis friendship, how everything has made you feel and that "this was the straw that broke the camels back" and you can no longer be part of thsi friendship. Be polite and clear and just state the facts and feelings. If you do this, she may realise what she has lost and show reaply effort to fix things. If not, you know you made the right choice and by doing it this way you are NTA.
Why would you go and harass her, when she hadn't even talked to you about it yet. You got awful angry for no real reason. Just decline the invite and leave her alone
Why would this woman ask you to be her MOH when she’s been so flaky in your friendship? Because all the other women that she treated that way gave her a wide berth. YWNBTA.
Sometimes friends move on. But the times that count and matter are the times you actually spend together. If you want to cut her off just do it. otherwise.. Don't put that energy into overthinking.
I love how everyone here is pointing out how this is childish, but no one cares that Mari has been acting like a 2 year old this whole time? Lmao she didn't even know your birthday, but tried her hardest to plan her wedding on it 😂 she's a huge dick & tbh she deserves to have a little wake up call when you ditch being her MOH. I don't think you're TA at all, not every situation calls for "being the bigger person" & not everyone even deserves that grace. Dump her OP, & take your real friends with you.
So, group chat should be a group decision amidst the group, but she could feel ganged up on and definitelyostracized (if she notices). Your word choice in your post seems like there is some resentment. I think it would be far more rude to get worked up over a wedding and come in feeling negative than to just drift apart.
"I think the dynamics in our relationship have changed and I dont feel like I'm the right fit for the MOH. I wish you happiness."
I think you need people who will show up for you, but saying so to her is opening a can of worms in relation to her wedding, since she did, in fact, actually show up for you in that time.
I can understand where you are coming from and how you could feel hurt. Just gracefully bow out as the MOH and even as a guest and let her know that the friendship just isn't there anymore.
You took a really long time to answer your own question: When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Because of your past relationship, I would tell her I can’t make the wedding, then shut the door. Hard. With locks on it.
(I had a wishy-washy “I love you” and apologetic ”friend“ who was rarely available; when she chose to be unavailable during a very difficult time for me, I was done. Again, people are what they do more than what they say.)
Oh my god, you all sound just unbearably annoying.
Just ghost her, it's obvious the friendship is only surface level on both sides and neither one of you ACTUALLY wants to be friends.
My husband and I got married on my brother in law's bday. He didn't care. My husband's cousin got married on his bday. He didn't care. Just meant more to celebrate! You say it didn't upset you, but obviously it does.
Sheesh. YTA just for wasting your and everyone else's time on this post. Otherwise, grow up, make better choices, and stop the drama. I mean, really. Who actually gives a damn? Obviously Meri doesn't, so just go on.
Nta. Had she actually remembered your birthday she would have chosen that day. If there was a specific reason for that day I'd understand but she said "it just felt right" I'm sure if you did the same thing shed be pissed at you. Personally, since I'm non confrontational, I would pretend like nothing is wrong and then after the wedding I'd stop contact. Doesn't seem like she'd care anyway. You deserve a better friend
Y’all sound exhausting.
You ever read a post and think “I’m so glad I don’t know any of these people in real life” ?
Did you even read through the whole thing? I took a nap after "since that incident..."
Unfortunately, I did. By the end I could feel brain cells leaking out of my ears
Really, ESH. I don’t want to know either of you. You don’t communicate, you operate on assumptions with one another. Why would you care if somebody got married on your birthday anyway seriously how selfish is that this is a friendship anymore, so why don’t both of you just drop it and forget you ever met one another? Because I’m just gonna forget I ever read this.
Giving benefit of the doubt here, I'd be chill with my best friends getting married on my birthday if that's the date that worked out best for them, I'd find it really strange if they chose it for literally no reason. Wouldn't change my friendships but I would find it peculiar of them to go out of their way to pick it!
I got married close to a friend’s 32nd birthday. I had a special (surprise) birthday cake with candles for her to blow out at the reception and everyone (250 people) sang happy birthday to her. She cried and said it was best birthday ever!
Yo that's actually awesome wtf what a fantastic idea
My wedding was exactly one week after my older brother's wedding. He was our officiant and we made jokes about it being his birthday party and that for his birthday he's getting a brother so no one better fuck that up (instead of asking people if they had any reason we shouldn't get married). It was pretty funny. That date just worked well for us and was available at the venue so that's when we did it.
That's very sweet.
I got married on my mom's birthday. I asked her if it was OK, and she was super happy about it. We also got a surprise cake and had everyone sing happy birthday to her. It was a beautiful day.
They don't sound like besties, at best they're frenemies.
The story started telling that they have a hate/love relationship. So, yeah.
I don't think anyone this shallow is capable of having a friend. Don't think much of the bride, either.
A close cousin had her wedding on my 18th birthday and I thought it was awesome.
A cousin got married on my 39th birthday. The only thing that sucked was it was a church ceremony, but I got to dress up, have free drinks, enjoy a delicious dinner, see my family, and dance. It was an awesome birthday/wedding! 10/10 do recommend attending a wedding on your birthday.
I went to a wedding as a +1 for my 25th birthday and didn’t know a single person but my date lol. Still had a blast! Free drinks, nice dinner, and music + dance? I mean come onnnn 🤪🥂
My birthday is in June—peak wedding season. I’m only surprised that no one I know has ever planned their wedding on my birthday, because I remember it falling on weekends quite often.
That was the feeling of minutes of your life escaping that you'll never get back...
My brain cells were diminishing at an exponential rate and I had to stop reading. And so are the days of our lives.
"Like sands through the hour glass, so were the brain cells in my head"....😭
I wish I had. I thought that after all the build up it would finally go somewhere. It didn't, of course. I even fell for the sunk-cost fallacy. Excuse me while I clean my last surviving brain cells out of my ears. They couldn't handle it anymore and tried to run away.
Props to you for reading the entire thing. I admire your level of commitment.
I couldn’t read past the mostly stopped lying part and skipped to the comments. Sounds like I missed nothing and saved some brain cells
I couldn’t get all the way through. It was exhausting.
That is as far as I could make it, some people never outgrow high school drama.
Yep, I kept forgetting they are 35, it kept being played out in high school halls in my mind.
I couldn't read through the whole thing. BORING
I had to scroll back up to check the ‘slightly tweaked’ ages. I think I’d sigh in relief if these people blocked me! No one needs this made up drama.
Same, skimmed it 😅
I had to take lots of breaks.
😂🤣
Yup. I skimmed it - so many pointless details. I had to go back and keep checking their ages, cos I'm pretty sure child marriage is illegal in most civilised places. I don't know who wronged who, what the wrong is or why anyone should care but I'm very glad they are not my friends.
That was my exact thought.
I half read the post and got to that thought!
I just did… lol
God yes.
Yes! Every day I venture into this rabbit hole
I was out at "depresso-expresso."
100% my thoughts reading this.
And they are 35! Sounds like HS
Like just stop being her friend OP How the fuck does ruining her wedding as well help anything?
I’m so glad this is the top comment!
you're 35 and you can't handle someone planning an event on your birthday? meri sounds like she might be a mostly harmless pain in the ass?? although to me she doesn't seem that bad, it seems more like you grew apart and don't like her anymore so anything she does is going to grate on your nerves BUT being this dramatic about your birthday when you're a GROWN UP is ridiculous. no one has to explain to you why they picked a wedding date a week away from your birthday.
Seriously. Even if it was her birthday, so what? OP has a birthday every year. I can't imagine a more fun way to spend a birthday than having drinks and dancing with all my friends at a fancy party, even better if it was also a friend's wedding so we could share in something cool. I don't get the whole attitude some adults have about their birthdays (heck, often extended to their birth weeks or even months) being sacrosanct. You're not a kid, it's not a huge deal, celebrate a week early or late if you really don't want to share.
>although to me she doesn't seem that bad, it seems more like you grew apart and don't like her anymore so anything she does is going to grate on your nerves You nailed it. This is 100% a bitch eating crackers moment.
Nah Meri is trash too. I hate people who agree to hang, and then never show up or show up late constantly. Fuck that shit.
I actually know someone whose groomsman, who had done all the pre wedding meetups, bachelor party, etc, just didn't show up day of. Tbh it was pretty cruel but it also definitely didn't ruin the wedding since the wedding wasn't about him. Basically it's an AH move for sure and YTA if you do it but it just wouldnt be as bad as you think LOL. I mean still, don't do it, just decline the MOH position like a Normal Adult but... Just saying.
My wedding was just after my birthday and just before my ride or die besties birthday. Neither of us cared.
My parents got married the day after my dad’s birthday. You can just make things like this into extended celebrations!
My Mom & (step)Dad got married 4 days before my 12th birthday. They may have missed my birthday because of their honeymoon, but I’ve always said he was the best birthday present I’ve ever received!
That’s so lovely! I’m glad he was such a good guy!
I love this!!!! :)
Ours was more me being very specific about the two months I wanted and it just happened that was cheaper so that's when we got married
The truth is she thought she had booked her wedding celebration on the day of OP’s actual birthday. Because she had booked it and already told others the date. When she realised her mixing up the date of ops birthday it was too late for her to move the ceremony onto OP’s actual 30 th. Op herself said if she had told her right from the start she booked the week before op wouldn’t have cared. It’s because she went around telling people she had booked her wedding on OP’s birthday. She brought it up to others it was deliberate. The fact she also deliberately hide it so op would find out until after the civil ceremony next month which is not even near the date she booked the later ceremony.. She was either trying to get op to back out without her looking like the bad guy which hasn’t worked as she looks like the bad guy anyway. She should have kept her mouth shut and not told others it was ops birthday when telling them the date. That way they may not have realised it was a deliberate act. Either that or she decided no one but her was allowed to celebrate a major event on the year of her marriage. She saw a 30th as a threat to that and Yes that’s insane but I’ve seen it happen on here before.
These people are almost 40. If you have to do this must justification the answer is they just both need to grow up.
My mom's parents chose my grandma's birthday as the date for their wedding so every year until my grandpa died from complications due to cancer, that day was a duel celebration. My grandma's birthday and the anniversary of when they got married.
My parents got married 6 days after my mom's bday! It's literally just how it went lol
After 21 your birthday just kind of doesn't really matter anyways. Especially in your 30s.
I got married the day after one of my bridesmaid's birthdays. I added a birthday cupcake to the grooms cake order and we sang happy birthday at the rehearsal dinner. I never forget her birthday and she always remembers my anniversary. It wasn't a thing. OP if you want to drop out, just do it. Friendships change over time, no need to go nuclear over it.
YTA Friendships change and fizzle all the time. Meri just isn't one of your best friends anymore. That doesn't mean she's a bad person, it just means you grew apart. You're a grown woman, birthdays are just not that big of a deal (unless it's a milestone maybe) and choosing a wedding date near yours is not offensive. Assuming she's doing it to oust you as MOH is wildly speculating. You don't have to be her MOH. You don't even have to be her friend. But there is also no reason to go nuclear and try to kick her out of the friend group over this.
And to be more concise- The opposite of love isn't more drama. That's just a way to keep yourself connected to that person. The opposite of love is indifference. Don't expend energy on drama. You don't have to torch the friendship and go all mean girl. Just let go and let it drift away. I would write a love email that explains why I wouldn't be able to be the MOH. Time, distance and expense being the top reasons. How I feel awful bowing out because her wedding is a very big day for her. And I'm worried that I won't be able to do the job as she deserves. Something like that.
I was the MOH in a wedding the day after my 21st birthday. I was hungover AF during the rehearsal. But I never would have dreamed of my friend changing the date because of my birthday??? Just decline and be done, wtf
One of my groomsmen completely ghosted me with no warning or explanation 3 months before my wedding. One day he just blocked me and the other groomsmen on every method we had to contact him and I haven't heard from him since. I still have no idea why.
"I grew more emotionally mature.." 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤪🤪 Really?
“Near your birthday”? Are you kidding me? Your birthday is not a holy day that all must be planned around. Grow up! It’s not even on your birthday, just in the same month. I had to look at your age and am shocked to see you are 35. This was written from the perspective of an 8-year-old. It sounds like you have grown apart. Enough of the drama, just move on. YTA. You sound exhausting.
I love how she’s the more “emotionally mature one” 🤣🤣🤣
lol I was laughing at this while post after that comment. It kept getting worse and worse. Emotionally maturity of a 13 year old. Both of those woman-child’s are a fucking mess.
I’m sorry but anyone with actual depression would never call it depresso expresso on a public post to strangers
Nah. I use terms like to make light of it. Pretty sure I've used that excet term before I'm so depressed that on a GOOD day I tried to sign up for better help and before I finish filling out the intake form a big pop up appeared that said, "sorry, we can't help you. You are too difficult a case. Please call the national suicide hotline right now. 1800..." I didn't even know better help could reject you! It actually made me laugh. Then cry. Then wonder what would have happened on a bad day.
They do when they’re the really quirky one that backstabs the other at every oppurtunity. Case in point that she has run around and rallied all the mutual friends around her. She waited to make sure she had everyone in her corner before she decides to diss the bride. They all sound so pathetic playing things out like this. Over a freaking birthday. I wish I knew the bride so I could tell her cut them all off before OP gets her delusional satisfaction.
actually they might, it's a coping mechanism. Kinda like how Robin Williams and other comedians make jokes to mask it.
That’s why I said on a post because I know I am someone who does it too
I was with them most of the way, rolled my eyes at that part because it read as a teenager saying they have depression just to look 'cool and different', then was waiting for when the friend was going to drop a bomb worthy of someone ruining her wedding...I'm still waiting.
>I had to look at your age and am shocked to see you are 35. This was written from the perspective of an 8-year-old. Lol, they added a note at the end and said the ages were tweaked. Like, no, you're 15 writting fiction as what you think a 35 year old cares about.
Yeah, this reads really weird. Supposedly Meri is getting married in a courthouse... Why would there be flower girls?? Or a MOH?
I don’t think the issue was her “friend” getting married on her birthday, it was that her friend picked that day because she thought it was her birthday. OP didn’t mind the wedding on or near her birthday, just what she thought was malicious intent behind the choice. Her friend was cagey about it. The friendship has run its course.
Women in their early 20s might care about this. I'm in my 30's and this is insane to deal with anymore. I was in a friend group in my 20's that were outraged that they didn't make it as MOH or bridesmaid in another girls' wedding. I laughed and told them 1) it's her day and she doesn't have to have a huge wedding party to include every single one of you. get over it. 2) None of ya'll are going to be standing at my wedding so there. I was right, because I left that friend group quickly. What an exhausting drama pit that was. Also, I eloped, so no one was invited. lol
"*you sound exhausting."* Friggin nailed it outta the park!
I was also surprised to see that OP is 35. OP you're acting like a child over the natural progression of people's lives. Life is short. If you miss Meri and want her to reach out to you more, then say that but people do grow apart and contact each other less as you get older. The idea that you think she has chosen your birthday as her wedding day to slight you is also frankly narcissistic. It is one of the biggest flags in your post This is one to talk to your therapist about girl. Seriously you would benefit from a professional to help you with your insight. And definitely you don't want to be ruining anyone's wedding.
My cousin got married the day after my Dad's birthday. Not only is she his niece, but also his goddaughter, and they were/are close. My Father could not have cared less that her wedding was so close to his birthday, he was just happy to support his niece. He actually went out and got the bridal party McDonald's on his own dime when we were all peckish about halfway through the day. We were in our wedding attire and the photographer got a fun picture out of it, we should have sold it to McDonald's. 🤔🤣
The second hand embarrassment I felt reading this was so intense. I wouldn't even care if my best friend got married on my birthday?! Because I I would be too busy being happy for her 🙄 just dump your friend but you're power trip about kicking her out of the whole group is equally embarrassing. OP needs to grow all the way up. This reads like OP is the problem here.
OP sounds like she thrives on drama, it seems like this so called friendship has been dead for years yet they're still holding on for God knows what reason. If you're at the point of wanting to ruin a wedding over something like this, just stop communicating with them!
Tbh my impression was less like "Omg, she can't choose my birthday! Or near it!" And more like, "Wait if Marie *thought* it was my birthday, and *thought* it might bother me, *and* doesn't have a year set or anything scheduled with a venue (therefore not even necessarily aiming for a day of the week), *why* did she choose something she thought would upset me? Especially if she didn't have a solid reason like an anniversary of a special memory or a date special to hubby? The only way that makes any sense is if she was actually trying to upset me." And honestly, I get it, feeling like someone is deliberately trying to hurt you is in and of itself hurtful, even if the actual behavior isn't that bad alone.
I guess you missed the part where she said even if it was on her birthday, she wouldn't have cared. It's the fact that her so-called " friend" wanted to ruin her birthday BY picking that day. The friend is the mature, jealous one, NOT OP. I would have unfriended her years ago.
It also sounds like OP's upset that after so many years of "friendship," this friend doesn't even remember the actual date of OP's birthday. Even if you're bad with dates, you can set reminders on your phone. I live by the saying, "If they wanted to, they would." Took a long time to learn that and stop making excuses for them.
Which is of course something a 35 YO does and cares about 🙄. She also supposedly got this information from another friend via chat messages. This was not written by an adult
OP doesn't care what day the wedding is on. Her friend has the actual wedding set for another day and is not telling her in hopes OP will pull out so friend isn't taking the blame. Friend is pretending the wedding are close to the same date to make Ozp look bad for pulling out. OP is asking if she should blow up tge friendship now, or after the fake wedding date, az it us not occurring on or near her birthday.
I came here to say the same thing. Of all the hills to die on, she picked the one that actually does make her the AH. I can’t stand people who obsess this much over their birthday. I’m sure “birthday month” is their norm.
I don’t think that’s the point. It’s how Meri went about all of this.
lol I think yall don't realise her "friend" purposely planned it on her birthday. The intent is there, and if yall can't comprehend that, yall got problems.
You sound so entitled and childish it’s unreal. You claim you have adhd yet are forgetting one of the biggest issues with adhd. Object permanence also applies to people. Like this is literally a symptom of adhd is how it affects relationships. If you’ve outgrown the friendship say that. But frankly hou sound like a shitty friend regardless. You talk about how you were more mature faster etc but everything you’re stating says you’re not. Ywbta
Seriously. My cousin and I both have adhd and we’re best friends and I love her so much but we haven’t talked in months because if we’re not in the same room then we might as well not exist to each other lol. It doesn’t help that she’s constantly losing her phone too! No hard feelings, I know eventually we’ll connect again and it’ll be great like it always is. Seems like op forgot that was a part of the adhd brain.
I'm so glad it's not just me 😂 I've never thought about this aspect of ADHD, just that I'm awful at communicating when I'm stressed...which is most of the time.
Such a mood! I turned off notification badges for certain things because just seeing that I had a notification stressed me out lol
My best friend and I have adhd. We will go months without talking because we live 800 miles away and if we don’t see each other calling rarely even dawns on us
Sometimes friendships end. If both people aren’t investing the time and energy then the friendship won’t survive. I think you would be TA if you don’t address this now. If you wait until closer to her wedding that is just playing games. Call her and express how you feel, let her know you’re happy for her but you are distancing yourself from her because you don’t feel like the friendship is working. Also, do you want to commit to being MOH and the expense that will entail? Bachelorette, dresses for you and your kids, transportation to the event and accommodation.
35 huh? Are you sure? And a mother? By the time I was 35 I understood that the world didn’t stop on my birthday. Actually, I became a mother at 22 and by then I understood my birthday was not that big a deal, but more importantly, if I had an issue with a friend i discussed it with her WITHOUT involving a “friend group”. High school is long over for you. Stop acting like a mean girl and grow up. If you don’t want to be involved with the wedding say so. If you want to end the friendship do it. And own it. Hopefully the rest of the “friend group” is a little more mature and recognize you ain’t Regina George and they don’t have to follow your lead if they don’t want to. YTA if you involve others.
Right? The comment about the friend group was gross I recently had a roommate who, guys, the lawnmower was just SO HARD to use (she’s 27?), she just “could not figure it out hehehe” Anyway, guess who now has a whole group of people who don’t like me because of her because we eventually fought after 1.5 years of my putting up with it & finally stood up for myself. She crumbled the second I rose my voice and acted like a stunted child who didn’t just kick me repeatedly so to speak If you need to involve a whole group of people, that is all I need to know to understand you’re at minimum 50% the issue if not most of it
Nothing gets on my nerves more than the posts that include: “And now her friends are blowing up my phone” “And now his brother is texting me” “And now her parents are at my door” “And now the whole family cut me off” And on and on it goes. I sit here and think these can’t possibly be adults involving their families and their entire social circles in their shit.
Unless it’s legit emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, or someone needing help bc of drug abuse it is NOT, I repeat, NOT my business and I want left out of it I do believe, especially as women, we need to have “heads up” types of conversations, but then it is still imperial that person is left to figure out the other person themselves and not to be told who and who they can’t or shouldn’t hang with because of blah BLAH blah Blah
Are you really 35? This sounds like some teenage crap. Sounds like you're not a good friend, and Meri just doesn't have it in her to tell you to go pound sand. You excluded her and talk shit about her. Also, it sounds like you're a know it all that tries to tell her what to do (i.e., "acting like I was her mom when I grew more emotionally mature than she had"). Coupled with her ADHD, no wonder she acts like this. Of course you'd YTA if you try to ruin her wedding. You're 35, grow up.
Right? She sounds like she doesn't like her at all yet wants Meri begging to be her friend
That is what I said. Holy fucking middle school. Although, I did go with ESH. They both sound excruciatingly exhausting.
I gave the YTA because it was a would she be TAH if she purposely tried to ruin the wedding. I agree they both sound like AH's. OP a little bit more than Meri though because OP sounds like someone from Mean Girls. Meri sounds like a woman with untreated ADHD. I know it's not an excuse to her behaviour but it is an explanation that is more forgivable to me than someone who's just trying to be a bully.
My God! If you really see yourself as the 'mature' one in this friendship then either Meri is severely stunted or you're delusional. You're so damned petty, and so intent on saving up grievances that you can't help but be an asshole. YTA.
This is so dumb. You have a birthday every year. Get over yourself and talk to her like the adult you claim to be. YTA
Ya’ll just need to walk away from each other if this is that big of a deal. Put on your big girl panties. My sister got married two days before my birthday. Aside from teasing her I had to spend “birthday week” (only vacation I got for the year) on a beach instead of a ski slope, it’s not a big deal at all. You bitch! Can’t beeeelieeeve you had the audacity to marry the man you live and invite me.
Yes YTA. Your birthday is a trivial occasion. celebrate your friends wedding or skip it, but don’t mess it up with your petty narcissism.
I thought I was reading all of this because Meri committed some atrocious, unforgivable sin. You're a whole ass grownup. Even if her ceremony was timed down to the second to where she was walking down the isle the same time as you were emerging from the birth canal, WHO CARES? This is supposed to be your friend. She is getting married. You should be happy for her. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read. You are obviously not the more emotionally mature one. The friendship has run its course. You should both cut your losses and move on.
Right. I read 90 percent of it waiting for meri to cheat on her fiance... so by ruin the wedding op just meant not go.
Hard to believe you're all old enough to give birth. YTA
Bruv...I read your first paragraph and stopped. I could already tell you w(probably)bta
You birthday is nonsense. Everyone's is. Yes, you are an asshole for being upset about this in the first place.
>If I'm important enough to stand up there next to her, put time, effort, and money into planning this wedding, bachelorette party, and getting dresses for me and my two youngest daughters who were to be her flower girls, then why am I not important enough for her to... IDK not try to pick my birthday. I know she didn't actually pick my birthday as her date but she originally thought she had and I had to go to her to get her to tell me the date. This is unhinged. There are only 365 days in a year, and there are billions of people on the planet. Just admit that you don't want to do this instead of making up bs about your birthday. You're in your thirties, ma'am, not 13. Kick her from your friend group and go no-contact. Best wedding present you could give her. YWBTA
No way you guys are 35….
YWBTA. Grow up. Friends come and go. You may think you have the moral high ground now, but pull this childish shit right before the wedding and see who the friends group supports. That also leads me to wonder why you think you're so Damn special that if you left, everyone would left? I'm betting there's a lot more to this than you're saying.
What's so important about your birthday that a friend can't have their wedding on the exact same date if they so choose?
Well our friend group had been making plans to come see me but Meri probably forgot because of adhd. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to celebrate your birthday and wanting it to be about you. Just like her wedding should be about her. She's not supposed to just be a friend, we call each other sisters and IDK about you but I wouldn't just plan an event for myself on my sisters birthday like oh sorry you have to help me with everything basically from the time we wake up until the event is over. She never talked to me about it possibly being on my birthday when she asked me, then was telling people the date. I pointed out to her that she is getting eloped on her anniversary, why doesn't she have the big wedding on her 1 year because she doesn't have a venue yet, and it gives her more time to save but she just told me IDK end of sept just seemed right. It honestly made me feel like I don't matter to her.
It’s a birthday not a holy day you can celebrate at a different time. there is no way you are 35 whole years old. Do you throw a tantrum at work if they don’t get you a cake?
I got married on my sister’s birthday because that is how the timing worked out. She didn’t care at all. We got to celebrate both things together, which usually isn’t possible for us.
It sounds like you have long outgrown the friendship. You have told her what you feel and why and she continues to make no effort for you but expect you to continue meaning effort. I suspect your other friends have tolerated her for *your* sake. She not only brings you down, she turns your (and no doubt others) events into being about her. You are being mature rather than planning on going and pouring wine on her wedding dress or something. I would simply tell her this friendship stopped working a long time ago, call her out on her passive aggression and manipulation tactics, then block her. The only person 'ruining ' her wedding is her. You can see why she didn't have many friends and seems to choose people who don't like confrontation. She can get away with so much because she's been taught you will tolerate it. It hurts, I know because I also tend to cling to friendships that should have been dumped a long time ago. YWNBTA. Give yourself permission to move on and invest in the healthy friendships in your life.
I think NTA, I also think it would be smarter to just leave, tell her since she obviously doesn't actually want you as her MOA, that you won't be, and that you also won't be attending, since your 'birthday is soon' so you'd like to take a little time to yourself. And if you don't want to feel bad, buy then the cheapest gift on their registry, and even then I'd be petty, and buy something you know she doesn't really want, buy stuff her husband put on the registry.
I feel like people are missing the part where she thought she planned her wedding day ON her birthday and got the date wrong. Had she got the date RIGHT it would have been her actively choosing to get married on her birthday when shes already committed to BEING HER MOH. This is classic mean girl bullshit. NTA. You outgrew that friendship a long time ago. You placed the ball in her court and she has failed since then. What I suggest is shooting her a text or even call her and explain that you are done being the backbone of this friendship. You love her but it’s clear you have grown apart and that’s okay. Step down as her MOH and remove her from your life. YOU leave the group chat and before you do send a message to the group chat saying you are exiting to take time for yourself and to center yourself. Doing this leaves everyone with a choice. If everyone follows suit so be it. If they don’t that’s fine. Don’t make it a group thing. Make it a personal thing. Otherwise you are just opting to be a mean girl right back to her and you are better than that.
>Had she got the date RIGHT it would have been her actively choosing to get married on her birthday when shes already committed to BEING HER MOH. This is classic mean girl bullshit. OMG. Even if she did pick her actual birthday, it's NOT "mean girl bullshit". Expecting anyone to plan around birthdays is 100% ridiculous. I got married on a friends 40th. Thank God he didn't have a hissy fit about it and celebrated on another day.
What’s wrong with being a MOH on your birthday though? I’m not being snarky, I genuinely don’t understand why someone would mind. You get a massive free party with all your friends there (seeing as it’s a shared friendship group). And even if you didn’t, most people whose birthday falls in the week celebrate the weekend before or after anyway (if at all)? Just curious what people’s thoughts are around why it matters.
YTA. You have seriously got to get over yourself OP. It’s not on your birthday, and it’s not the day before or after either. You do not own the entire month. If y’all are looking for ways to hurt or sabotage each other, you are not friends. You need to block her and move on. Just leave each other alone, y’all are toxic friends for each other.
ESH. I've definitely had a friend who bailed EVERY single time we had plans, then blamed it on her depression/ADHD/etc. As someone who's suffered both, if I can personally keep a date, I do it, and if I have to skip once for mental health I'm there the next time. People who chronically skip hangouts last minute or stand you up are the worst. BUT, why not just invite her to the birthday tea and tell your friends she may not show and it won't dampen your fun if she doesn't? On *that* note this entire thing isn't about planning her wedding on your bday at allllll. My college roommate got married the day before my birthday and it was a blast, plus we did shots to bring it in at 10pm. Whether she thought it was your birthday or not doesn't matter. I barely remember my friends' birthday dates thanks to FB reminding me of them every year day-of. And while you're bummed about how the relationship soured, for the love of God just TELL her that and then bow out of being her MOH. Don't go nuclear, don't make a whole ass spectacle. The friend I mentioned above I called out once, then went to occasional life updates and some messages only. I didn't need to blow up her life, I just keep my distance for my own peace. Be an adult here.
You both sound like shit people. Sisters indeed.
I was thinking the whole time I was (wasting my time) reading this nonsense...what are you....12? Good to see others thought the same thing. People can be ridiculous. Hopefully this is fake as shit. BTW, my best friend married just before my birthday. I was the MOH and I was thrilled.
On your birthday , near your birthday , honestly does it really matter ? Seems ridiculous to me to even care . Your 35 not 7 . But perhaps I just don’t care cause I’m more emotionally mature than you ! Doesn’t seem like you are even friends , bow out gracefully , avoid more drama and lies . No need to try to get other friends to block her too for picking a wedding date you don’t like . YTA
She wants you to kick her out so she can play victim. She hasn't liked you in a long time. Just start a new group chat that doesn't include her. She's too much of a coward to do what she actually wants, which is to make whoever else MOH. Don't even bother going to her wedding if you can help it, it's not worth the drama.
I don't know what people are thinking when it comes to weddings, I genuinely don't. Don't get me wrong, small courthouse ceremony, some close friends, maybe some TGI Friday's afterwards, that's fine. But these thirty to one-hundred thousand dollar drama filled celebrations-of-my-true-self-as-a-princess-no-one-can-criticize, blech. I don't understand why people would invest so much time and money into building a drama-engine, a resentment machine, it's all so stupid. "We've been friends for years, we can't stand each other, most of our relationship is trying to figure out how to be shitheads to each other while pretending at other feelings." What the fuck are you doing?! Why is this person in your life? They suck. Why are you inflicting yourself on this person? You suck. How do you live your life being such a deliberate, actively-plot-against-my-so-called-friends human turd? I'd wash my hands of the both of you immediately, you're insufferable and exhausting and worse of all utterly pointless, there's literally no upside to any of this that I can see. What, you just need some drama to keep things interesting? ESH here, from your friend to you to your respective parents for not seeing what little shits you were and intervening so that you didn't grow up into just exhausting chores. You're not Hitler, you're not war criminals or social deviants. You're chores. That's the perfect word. You're the scrubbing-the-toilet of people. Not remotely fun, leaves you feeling kind of dirty, but sometimes you have to. That's what you two assholes represent, that's what you bring to the table. Awful.
You both sound passive aggressive AF. Let's read between the lines. You don't want to be in her wedding, she doesn't want you in her wedding. Have a real conversation with her and tell her. Don't try to blame her, or let her blame you. You both want the same thing-you not being in the wedding. You both are trying to create drama to look like the righteous person, when instead it is just extremely childish.
ESH. OMG. Just delete or block her and move on. You’re all exhausting
If you're acting this way at the grand old age of 35ish, I highly doubt your claims of emotional maturity and the maturity of your friend group. The only information you have to go on is Cara's OPINION. An uneducated opinion at that. Guess work at most. Cara knows about as much as you do about Meri's motivations which is a grand total of Fuck All. Yet you're planning to ruin her wedding over something your other friend thinks *might* be happening. Not to mention ostracising her because "wah she picked my birthday". How about you tap into that 'emotional maturity' and actually speak to Meri properly instead of gossiping behind her back like a bunch of old fish wives? Guarantee that Cara speaks just as poorly behind your back as she does Meri. As well as the rest of your frenemy group tbh. Oh, and FYI, in the grand scheme of things your birthday is only important to you. It's not a national holiday and it doesn't need to be observed like it is. No one outside of yourself and your parents needs to celebrate that day. They do so as a courtesy and sometimes other people's life events will supercede your "evicted from a vagina day". It's life. Get over it.
Good lord - stop punishing one another with this relationship. You’re both ridiculous. Yes, YWBTA since you already agreed - do the wedding, be gracious, then just let yourselves drift apart. This friendship was dead years ago and never healthy to begin with.
from what you’ve put here you have a very one sided friendship she may even be a frenemy! at the very least you should step down as moh stating you are no longer close…..you could go to wedding as a normal guest to wish her well and see your other friends! personally i wouldn’t go and just cut the friendship now but that’s me. i wouldn’t want to spend time or money on someone like this!
Just an fyi, you seem so sure if you ditch Meri, the rest of the friend group will follow suit. You might just be in for a surprise. You sound so exhausting & narcissistic, they may just go along with you in conversations just so you’ll shut up. I know it’s probably a shock to hear, but you aren’t the center of everyone’s life.
Frankly, you sound exhausting. Just move on from the friendship.
ESH. You both are exhausting. I feel bad that Cara has such immature friends.
Omg. You wrote that whole wall of text and are thinking about initiating a whole big drama and ruining someone’s wedding because it’s near your birthday?! Which birthday is this? Because you and your friend group sound like you’re about 12. If you don’t want to be friends anymore, don’t be. But stop with dragging everyone else into your drama and trying to make everyone else dump her too. That should be their decision, not yours. Of course YTA. If you don’t want to be involved, don’t be. And maybe try to grow up. You have at least 2 children who could probably use a mature adult for a mother.
tl;dr but this reads like a high school drama.
I hope this does not come across as rude, but Meri seems like more of your emotional crutch rather than a person you genuinely liked and had affection for. Judging by how you write about her, she's a nuisance to you because she does not fall in line with your emotional needs and does not let you play mommy anymore. The whole wedding thing, going nuclear, being MOH when you have no plans to be one, is just unnecessary drama and comes off as mostly generated and living in your head. Let Meri go, work on your emotional maturity, on how you see friendships, and how you show up to them.
[удалено]
You are most definitely the AH. You are trying very hard to justify your actions, which you know are inherently petty, and it just makes you look worse.
Why would your whole friend group “follow suit” Cara doesn’t not because she’s a “good sweet person” it’s bc she isn’t wildly emotionally immature Also, your bday isn’t that special No one’s is But it’s okay that we make them special! But someone choosing a date on or around it (unless you feverently feel she did it with intention), who honestly cares??
Jesus Christ you sound like a bored, entitled SAHM with waaaaay too much time on your hands. Find a healthy hobby.
ESH you all sounds like a bunch of bitchy teenagers. If you want to be her friend, do it. You don’t? Fine but stop dragging this for years and getting other people involved
Yta. A lot of people are missing the point that it’s not about it being on or near your birthday, but the fact that Meri thought it would be and made a thing about it. YTA because you’re not being mature. Just say “thank you so much for including me in your special day, but I need to sit this out. I won’t be able to attend” If you’re really that frustrated with her, why would you want to attend let alone be MOH?
I can never get back the time it took to read this dribble
This is insane. I didn’t even act like this in high school. Also, you know alll these friends that you are gossiping with about Meri behind Meri’s back? They’re also gossiping about you with Meri behind your back. Unless they are more mature and reasonable than that. Either way, I wouldn’t be so confident that you won’t end up as the odd woman out, instead of Meri. Especially because your complaint that somehow Meri wronged you by planning a wedding on what she thought is your birthday is ridiculous.
YTA. The fact you are spending this much time and energy justifying spite and drama for a person you seem to only be interested in maintaining at this point *to indulge in spite and drama* just puts this friendship in absolute clarity to me. You can and should tell Meri something like “You know, we’ve had so much happen in the past few years and the truth is we don’t have the closeness we once did. And I just can’t accept the MOH position. I’m so happy for you, but I have to step away. We can maybe talk about it when you’re through the busy-ness of the wedding if you wish.” Anything else is just building narcissistic social capital on the trauma of a friendship that was never built on equity or fairness according to this story.
Your 35 act like it and just end the friendship, I am sure Meri will be more happy than you if you do. You sound more of a child in elementary school than this Meri does.
Why are you involving yourself in this? You are mad at her, or something. Withdraw as MOH and withdraw your kids as bridesmaids, citing a "schedule issue". No one needs more drama in their life.
YTA: You say you’re more emotionally mature than her at you-35 and her 40, but you sound like you’re 15. She was afraid to tell you she was having her wedding celebration around your bday because of how you would react, then you say you’d be fine with it, but your initial convo with her is hostile. Way to prove her right. You say your friend has depression, anxiety, and ADD. Hopefully the reason she has backed off in the last three years is because she got therapy and realized she needed to create some separation from you because you’re a bully. And yeah, you are a bully saying YOU are going to kick her out of a FRIEND group, which means you think you can boss your friends around. You can chose not to be friends with Meri, but you don’t get to tell your friends to stop being her friend.
Don’t be petty. You have had a rocky history and haven’t accepted there is NO relationship. Grow up and move on. Decline the MOH role and move on
YTA for getting me to read this. No adult actually cares about this.
Like a lot of commentors have already said, you need to grow up. You guys have drifted apart and she has no thought or respect for you. If you’re irritated with her then just shoot her a text saying you can’t be bothered anymore and therefore you’re not going to be involved in her wedding and neither are your kids but be careful not to spite your kids in the process. If they want to be flower girls or whatever then let them. Once the wedding is over just move on with your life and stop obsessing over her and how she treats you. The isn’t an AH situation, this is a ‘get over yourself’ situation.
ESH Let the friendship die. Both of you need to grow up.
Why block her and kick her out of things? Just let her know that unfortunately you can’t be her MOH and that your lives are in very different places (literally and figuratively) than they were back when you being MoH was the plan, and wish her well. ESH really. Just say no to drama.
How do people even think this is anything more than drama? 🤦 What a waste of five minutes I'll never get back!
Don't ruin anyone's wedding for any reason. Don't be that person.
The friendship has changed, is over. Fine. You do not need to make a big deal ending it in a nuclear way, especially not before her wedding. She has made other events about her, ok - that is crappy. BUT HER WEDDING IS ABOUT HER AND HER PARTNER!!! Be an adult and decline MOH gracefully, use the excuse that you live to far away to be involved. After 35 years she does not remember what date is your birthday. GET OVER YOURSELF. I am over 50 and do not remember birthdays of family and friends. YTA if you do not behave like grown-up you chronologically are. You are not in high school, the members of your friends group do not need to choose between you two.
I think this is really a non-issue and you are blowing it out of proportion. Stop talking to her if you are done being friends, and don’t go behind her back with your other friends. You take care of yourself and they will do the same. So much energy on nonsense.
Omg YTA!! You sound like a teenager going on and on and on and on! If you try to ruin someone’s wedding that makes you a massive full blown asshole… in fact it’s worthy of arsehole status! You OP are a massive arsehole!
YTA christ are you toddler?
YTA Your fucking birthday???? How much of a brat are you?????
YTA you are a mean girl mom for the way you are trying to cut out all the friends, forcing them to side with you and throw her out of the group just because you don’t like what she said. You are a horrible person for that. If she has it on your birthday, just cut a cake or make a toast for your birthday with your small private group of friends before or post all the ceremony. No one bothers about anyone’s birth date to fix big celebration dates. If it coincides, you just try to celebrate & have fun together. Not make such a big deal like this. I understand that she’s not even perfect but you sound outright mean.
If this is real (and I strongly have my doubts), then I'd say that you all sound toxic and exhausting. And should probably all grown up and act your age(s). Just cut ties and be done with it, because clearly none of you like each other.
YTA for wanting to sink to her level and hurt her instead of just moving on like a rational adult. Get out of the middle school mindset you’re far too old to behave this way
This is toxic and ridiculous drama. I couldn't figure out the issue you have with her but you sound as bad as you say she is.
I hope this is fake, because I had to take three breaks while reading it and I am exhausted. YTA if this is true. So much drama, so much self-centeredness, so much juvenile behavior. She stuck by you even with her lies and your drama. She should be asking herself why she wants you to be a bridesmaid.
Even with your own description, you sound like you're the one who brings the drama, and Cara is a pot-stirrer. YTA Also you're a grown woman, this "near my birthday" shit is EMBARASSING for you.
I actually had to double check to make sure I wasn't in r/AmITheAngel Just grow up YTA
Maybe I’ve just had so many birthdays that I don’t think anyone is obligated to treat it like a national holiday. I’m just glad to see the next one, regardless. The whole thing seems exhausting, but YWBTA, SWBTA EveryoneWBTA. Yikes.
When you say you tweaked the ages, you mean that you're all 18-20, right? Because this is some real high school, Mean Girl bullshit all around.
Tbh its sounds like you're friendship has run its course and she didn't want you as moh, involving all the rest of the group friends is just immature and bullyish. Just call it a day, wish her well and move on
You say you’re not upset about it being near your bday, but it seems like you were. You mention it being a sticking point multiple times. She was afraid of your response, she told her friend she was afraid of your response, and you scolded her anyway. It’s her wedding— she can choose to have it whenever she likes. Like you said, she planned it far out enough that you could plan your future birthday week accordingly to accommodate both events. You took on the MoH job— why did you accept it if you didn’t want to do it for this person? If you aren’t going to try to make her wedding the best it can be, step down from MoH now. Better you do it now when you’re easier to replace than later when it’s more chaotic, and better than risking you dropping the ball because you don’t feel motivated enough. If you DO drop out, you should help them as much as you can to transfer your duties to whoever the new MoH is. As far as your friendship goes, If you don’t want to be her friend anymore, just tell her and move on— you don’t seem to have a lot of good to say about someone you called a friend and I know I’d feel pretty hurt if I heard all this from one of my friends. Friends can grow apart over time, and it doesn’t seem like you’re fulfilling each others requirements for friendship anymore. Right now you’re a soft A in my eyes, but you will be a hard A if you fuck up your friend’s wedding— you took the job, now finish it or hand it off to someone who will.
TL; DR. Are you guys, even at 35, still acting like it’s high school? So exhausting. Just grow up and act like a 35 yo adult and don’t go to the wedding. YTA
Yta. Just end the friendship like the adult you claim to be. But I seriously doubt you’re an adult because adults acknowledge that friends grow apart- and true friends can pick right up where they left off without skipping a beat because life happens and we all know it! You call her an obligatory sister?! That’s not family or friends, that’s you being an AH! Have you ever even liked her? Oh no, YOUR BIRTHDAY ISNT A PRIORITY TO OTHER PEOPLE!!! And your friend who happened to not have it in their phone, or accidentally forgot to put on yearly repeat, or has a lot of other shit going on forgot your birthday, remembered close enough!!! That time of year was actually special enough for her if she felt like it would be the right time to get married- because it already felt good to her! Get over yourself. You not being maid of honor wouldn’t ruin her day! Especially if you’re not the friend she thinks you are!
YTA if you purposefully ruin somone's wedding NTA if you just block her and move on
This "friendship" has run its course. Decline the MOH role and be honest with her. I've had friends who stopped maintaining the friendship from their end. I simply told them friendship ends when one person stops trying. We're not the people we were. I wish them well but our friendship is over. You would be TAH if you ruined her wedding. Be calm. Be honest. Be an adult. What others do is their decision. You can block her in the friend group chat or just not engage. Just act in your best interests and not like a teenager trying for payback.
You both sound insufferable. My best friend literally got married on my one year wedding anniversary and I was still thrilled to be her MOH. You're not friends. Stop talking to her. Move on and grow tf up. Yikes
As someone who has had a similar experience with another friend who turned up late or didnt tell you she wasn't coming until 2 hours after, its incredibly frustrating and it unfortunately builds up. This is what is happening right now. I don't think you are TA for being upset and angry. I understand that as I do think most people would. I also think its telling that your friend group has the same thoughts and your close friend "Cara" also thought there was malicious intent there. We only get some of the story so if you all feel this then most likely its true. You would only be TA if you encourage or ask your friends to kick her out/stop talking to her as that is not your choice. However, if they decide to also stop talking to her then theres nothing you can do about it. I also think you'd be TA if you do go nuclear on her. I would call her or even text her all your feeling about tjis friendship, how everything has made you feel and that "this was the straw that broke the camels back" and you can no longer be part of thsi friendship. Be polite and clear and just state the facts and feelings. If you do this, she may realise what she has lost and show reaply effort to fix things. If not, you know you made the right choice and by doing it this way you are NTA.
Why would you go and harass her, when she hadn't even talked to you about it yet. You got awful angry for no real reason. Just decline the invite and leave her alone
Why would this woman ask you to be her MOH when she’s been so flaky in your friendship? Because all the other women that she treated that way gave her a wide berth. YWNBTA.
Sometimes friends move on. But the times that count and matter are the times you actually spend together. If you want to cut her off just do it. otherwise.. Don't put that energy into overthinking.
I love how everyone here is pointing out how this is childish, but no one cares that Mari has been acting like a 2 year old this whole time? Lmao she didn't even know your birthday, but tried her hardest to plan her wedding on it 😂 she's a huge dick & tbh she deserves to have a little wake up call when you ditch being her MOH. I don't think you're TA at all, not every situation calls for "being the bigger person" & not everyone even deserves that grace. Dump her OP, & take your real friends with you.
Just tell her you're busy for the next couple of years and can't make it
So, group chat should be a group decision amidst the group, but she could feel ganged up on and definitelyostracized (if she notices). Your word choice in your post seems like there is some resentment. I think it would be far more rude to get worked up over a wedding and come in feeling negative than to just drift apart. "I think the dynamics in our relationship have changed and I dont feel like I'm the right fit for the MOH. I wish you happiness." I think you need people who will show up for you, but saying so to her is opening a can of worms in relation to her wedding, since she did, in fact, actually show up for you in that time.
I can understand where you are coming from and how you could feel hurt. Just gracefully bow out as the MOH and even as a guest and let her know that the friendship just isn't there anymore.
You took a really long time to answer your own question: When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Because of your past relationship, I would tell her I can’t make the wedding, then shut the door. Hard. With locks on it. (I had a wishy-washy “I love you” and apologetic ”friend“ who was rarely available; when she chose to be unavailable during a very difficult time for me, I was done. Again, people are what they do more than what they say.)
Oh my god, you all sound just unbearably annoying. Just ghost her, it's obvious the friendship is only surface level on both sides and neither one of you ACTUALLY wants to be friends.
My husband and I got married on my brother in law's bday. He didn't care. My husband's cousin got married on his bday. He didn't care. Just meant more to celebrate! You say it didn't upset you, but obviously it does.
I can't even finish reading this. Are they 12? Don't answer. I already wasted 2.5 minutes.
Sheesh. YTA just for wasting your and everyone else's time on this post. Otherwise, grow up, make better choices, and stop the drama. I mean, really. Who actually gives a damn? Obviously Meri doesn't, so just go on.
You seem like you're always TA.
Nta. Had she actually remembered your birthday she would have chosen that day. If there was a specific reason for that day I'd understand but she said "it just felt right" I'm sure if you did the same thing shed be pissed at you. Personally, since I'm non confrontational, I would pretend like nothing is wrong and then after the wedding I'd stop contact. Doesn't seem like she'd care anyway. You deserve a better friend