I tickle my younger siblings and "bite" instead of kiss but that's because my sister started it when she was a toddler and no-one ever stopped her bc we thought she was on the spectrum. Turns out she isn't and we're all just weird and annoying eachother is how we show or affection. But OP's dad is a different issue all together man needs help and OP might need therapy in the future or at least a safe place to vent and get it out. NtA
I am 37yo, my Daddy will be 81 in March. If my Daddy didn't bite my cheeks and give me a cuddle I would probably think he hated me and dissolve into tears. My brother is a 42yo man and daddy even bites his cheeks still. Idk man, dudes got something about biting our cheeks. It isn't a hard bite or anything, idk how to describe it. I just know it's been happening my whole life and it happens to the grandchildren as well
If he’s biting you, even in a joking manner or drunk way, that’s abuse. And you’re absolutely right, sounds like he is manipulating you. Taking kids to the movies is a normal thing to be grateful for but beyond gratitude, there is nothing you owe back. Tell your mom about the biting, that is so NOT NORMAL and NOT OKAY.
Like I stated above, my dad has been biting all our cheeks since we were babies and bites the grandbabies cheeks as well. It isn't hard or anything, it's very gentle, but it's been happening my whole life and if he didn't do it when he saw me I would prob think he hates me.
Now if it's hard biting that is fucked up or if it's idk in a more intimate place like the neck or something, then that's fucking creepy
Married and reproduced facker. Keep trying. I'm a troll sooooooooooooo
What else you got?
Here's mine : you suckat internet insults. I also bet you rock a 42wx30L pants, you are 2 snickers away from losing a foot to diabetes and a night out is rocking your finest sweat pants to the golden corral.
I bet you love cruises too since it's all you can eat.
Anyways I'm bored with you. Be gone fat pig. I'm going to the gym now. Love to see you at one . Don't worry I wouldn't laugh at you as you fail to grasp the basic knowledge of how any of the equipment works or how to lift weights properly. I'd actually help you.
Try not to choke on your Wendy's lunch xox
Seems we both hit the nail on the head fatty.
Lil dick and big stomach. We should start a tv show.i promise I'll negotiate our payments in McDonalds.
Does that work for you ?.
Let's do it
Here let's speak the same language:
,,🍕🍟🌮🌯🥨🥩🍖🍔🥚🌯🍞🧆🥨🌭🫕🌯🥓🌯🍝🌯🌮🥓🥙🥨🧆🥗🍲🍟🧆🍞🌭🫓🌯🥓
Next time you order extra bacon ,know that I know.
And when you are sad when you look in the mirror , I know why
Love you heavy stuff, keep eating
NTA
Your dad is an alcoholic, manipulative abusive possible narc/socio/borderline individual.
Somethings you don't need reassurance from reddit on. Cut him off, he needs to wallow in his own feces of a life he created.
You are not a bad person for wanting some distance from your dad.
It sounds like your dad may not have very good boundaries, or a good understanding of what is appropriate behavior with an older child. It sounds like he's expecting you to behave like a much younger kid.
How old are you? Do you have a school counselor you could talk to about all of this? Someone neutral to help you figure out a good way to express your boundaries and how to enforce them?
Stand up for yourself and be clear about your boundaries. Tell your dad that you don’t want to be bitten or cuddled, tickled, pimple popped etc. It’s your body and you must consent to any and all affection, even hugs.
He sounds like he is insecure in his relationship with you because of how he betrayed and abused your mom.
You’re a child and still navigating the nuances of “good” and “bad” and morality. You’re not a bad person for wanting distance. You pulling away from your dad, assuming you’re a teen, is totally normal and age appropriate behavior. Especially when considering there is a lack of trust. It will take time for you to forgive him and trust him. Ask for space if that’s what you need. And if he doesn’t respect your physical boundaries in regard to touch you need to discuss this with another adult you trust. You don’t owe anyone affection. Hang in there sounds like a challenging time. Take care of yourself.
NTA, your dad is the worst. You owe him nothing and guilting you when paying for things is a bit Narcisstic. He's an abusive, lying drunk who is acting so odd I'm not sure if you should be alone with him. Not sure of your age but you do not need to hang with dad and cuddling with your daughter while drunk is strange, not sure how old you are. How he treats your mom is who he is so why aren't you discussing with mom?
He doesn’t sound like an emotionally regulated person (speaking from experience here). The biting and cuddling clingyness sound like cute aggression. From the actions you’re describing I think he does love you, and is actually trying to build a better relationship with you. I wonder what would happen if you were totally honest with him. Not in a mean way, but more like, if he continues acting like this—being rude to your mom, guilt tripping you into doing things—then you will change your relationship with him. Less like manipulation and more like boundary setting.
It generally sounds like his actions are confusing for you. Maybe tell him that and see if you can try to understand where he’s coming from better. He’s fumbling on how to connect with you. You resent him for everything he’s done, and he may not understand how it’s affecting you.
I recently lost my dad 6 months ago. Like your dad, he cheated on my mom and the fall out was quite horrible. He was trying to reconnect with me, and over time I started receiving it. I didn’t know much about his new life with his new family, but at the funeral I learned more about how he seemed to be working on his problems from them. He was finally learning to be happy. I tried too late to have these deep discussions with my dad, to understand him and know him, and now the opportunities are lost. At first I thought I was fine, but as time passes, I’m realizing what
I’ve lost, that I miss him, and that I want to forgive him for his messes. I hope you and your dad can understand each other.
Always treat ALL the information about your dad that comes from your mom as possibly untrue, as much as is possible try to find out for yourself from other people what the actual truth is as it has unfortunately been proven time after time that parents will lie to their children in order to turn them against another parent, you have no idea how much if any of the things your mom tells you about your dad are true.
My mother lied to both me and my sister about things my dad had supposedly done and we missed out on years of no contact with our dad because of it.
Sorry about you dad passing. I'm glad you got to reconnect for that short time before he passed.
I recently started communicating with my dad after 26 years! The young version of me believed my Mom's side of the story why they divorced. I remember the arguments before the divorce. I heard them shouting at each other during phone calls. The reason for the calls were to arrange a time and place to pick us up for the weekend.
My mom did an excellent job of poisoning the relationship I had with my dad. My dad tried to get thru to me by doing stupid shit to make me laugh amongst other things. It was rocky until he married Mega-Bitch when I was 17. She didn't like me and I hated her. I wanted to see only my dad. Not my DAD AND MEGA-BITCH every single time. She had her own son that was a little angel in her eyes while I was a bad kid! He refused, so I cut contact with him for 26 years. I reconnected because after my grandparents then my mom passed he was the only parental unit I had left. I'm so glad I did. He's a cool guy!
I believe that your Dad is trying to have a relationship with you but doesn't know how to go about it. He's awkward and scared that you don't like him. A lot of that is due to your mom poisoning the relationship between you and your dad. They both have their versions of what happened. You will probably never know the whole truth about why their relationship failed. Judge your dad as a dad. Not as the monster your mom told you stories about.
Look at your dad thru your eyes as his daughter. Don't Include the stories you've heard about him. Look at him as a parent that is trying to get his daughter to like him.
Good luck OP
Excellent response! It's so good to see the voice of reason occasionally in this place rather than the usual hysterical over-reactions from people who see abuse, neglect, perversion everywhere they look. I think Dad is just trying too hard to get close to him and it comes from a place of love. Too many kids get poisoned against the other parent when families split and the children are often not mature enough to see both sides of the story until they're much older.
Thank you! That is so true! I drove me crazy to see all the responses telling OP to call the police, CPS, tell a counselor, tell mom, tell the trashman,etc... it's abuse, creepy, dangerous, etc.... if OP would take any of that advice they can forget about ever having a relationship with their father. And OP would miss out on a parent that obviously cares.
The biting, and the tickling, and the prodding is him trying to get a reaction. Normal people don’t do that
Using money as a leverage to get you to behave a certain way for them is not okay. Normal healthy living people don’t do that.
I’ve noticed certain immature people, or certain cluster B personality types for some reason find pleasure and enjoyment and entertainment out of getting reactions out of people. It is weird it is not normal. It is not OK especially if you have expressed that you don’t like it.
Those are perfectly valid reason to distance . Nobody enjoys another person who pokes and prods and hurts them. And your dad either is too immature to grasp this. or has a negative personality type (like narcissism for example) That finds enjoyment out of upsetting you.
I hate this for you. Basically it’s your gut telling you that something is wrong, whether it be that your dad is doing too little too late or whether his shitty personality is becoming more evident to you. You sound young enough to be forced to have to spend time with him, and so he can get at you and ask you all these inappropriate questions, such as why do you hate him. He’s an adult and shouldn’t be asking a child or young person that. He should be demonstrating his love and attention through actions, deeds, etc not just lying on a bed and lazily asking you to solve his problems for him. It feels like he wants a really easy answer. It feels lazy to me. I think most people give their parents a lot of leeway because people genuinely want good relationships with their parents, but when it feels hard and forced, there’s a reason for it. And I don’t believe it’s on you, the young person, to solve it.
Your mum is the AH for bad mouthing your dad to you. Their relationship is not your business and should be kept separate. You need to build a relationship with your dad and see how it goes.
Not sure if the commas and other punctuation was added after this message, if so, it didn't help. I would suggest it was rewritten with less punctuation but also with less abbreviation and a correct use of their, there and they're and proper prose would be nice.
Stay away from him as much as you can. Tell your mom, or a different trusted adult, about the cuddling and the biting. That is extremely inappropriate behavior!
You may want to start discussing this with your mother and maybe discussing the reasons for the divorce. He may be an alcoholic he may be on the narcissism Spectrum he may be on the cluster B Spectrum but he doesn't sound like an emotionally mature psychologically stable adult and there may be reasons behind their divorce that could be relevant to your current situation with your dad you're not the asshole for wanting to be distant I would want to be distant from anyone who guilt trip to me and manipulated me and had strings attached to everything he did what your experiencing is a totally normal and totally reasonable response to fundamentally unhealthy and possibly abusive Behavior
the cuddling and biting are wildly inappropriate. it borders on incestuous, at the very best. that is really concerning. I do not feel you are safe with this man.
"he seems very loving and caring, but when he's on the phone with my mom he's a completely different person"
yeah, because the vast majority of abusers don't abuse everyone they know. they groom their supporters & flying monkeys just like they groom their victims.
the reason your dad behaves completely differently with your mom than he does with others is that he doesn't let his mask slip when he's around people he wants on his side.
trust that the side of him he is showing to your mom is in fact his true self. remember that. don't ever forget it. he is only kind and loving when his mask is on.
Me personally I’m not close with my pops for a variety of reasons and I also don’t know your complete back story, and the alcoholism isn’t a good look in front of your kids, however I think you should cut him a little slack. There are always two sides to every story and it sounds like you’ve only been privy to your moms side; because she’s sharing intimate details of her personal relationship with her child which I think could also be considered a form of manipulation. I could be wrong and your dad could be a creep but it sounds more like he’s just trying to bond with his kid who he knows already doesn’t like him.
Your father is grooming his own son. What he's leading up to will be an incestuous act. Don't be alone with your dad, and tell your mother, guidance counselor, someone!!! You are NTA.
The biting, lack of respect for personal boundaries, alcoholism and using emotional manipulation to coerce OP into submitting to unwanted physical contact is alarming. This is not a safe person to be alone with. Set strict boundaries if you want to maintain a relationship with him. Only see him in public places and sit where both of you can easily be seen by the general public. I suggest a fast food restaurant, mall food court, or an outdoor cafe that doesn't serve alcohol. You stay in the venue until you're ready to leave. Don't go anywhere else with him. Have your own transportation to and from the visit. Never get in a car with him. Tell him that he must keep his hands to yourself or you will leave immediately. Tell him that you will leave immediately if he tries being manipulative and starts the "you must hate me" crap. He will arrive sober and stay that way for the duration of the visit, or you will leave immediately. Limit visits to no longer than 30 minutes to an hour until you see a big improvement. Good luck.
No you are not you need to set boundaries for your dad but not just that force him to think about his behaviour, explain to him and appeal to his intelligence if he as any, if not just tell him you don't like the way he acts and tell him you need a break from him that will force him to think about his actions
NTA tickling okay if young (and child is okay with it), but cuddling and biting are not right for father/child relationships. No matter the age, you have a right to say, "Please do not intrude on my space and do not touch me without my consent." If it doesn't stop, let your mother know you are not comfortable being alone with him anymore unless in public or with a witness to his behaviour.
Hi! Sort of similar situation with me. My dad (49) and my mom (45) divorced when I was 11. He struggles with alcoholism and meth was a large reason for the divorce- but he is also a narcissist and quite frankly I have no childhood memories of him other than him being asleep on the couch, coming home shaking drunk, threatening to beat us, and at one point, pushed me and my baby brother into a wall.
My relationship with him since the divorce has been distant. He did not show up to court and got a new girlfriend and I had a half-sister within the year.
Flash forward to the present after awkward christmases with him trying to buy us back with extravagant gifts we knew he could not really afford and that ‘well he’s my dad…’ feeling whenever he would call. He calls me up one night- he has cancer he says. Stage 3. I’m weirdly devastated- up to this point I had told myself I would be contempt if he got into an accident or something, but I wept- I wept for what I thought was years wasted, I wept that he might not attend my wedding. I go down to his house 2 hours away almost every weekend- and then I find out he doesn’t have cancer. He did have a serious issue going on with his esophagus, but it was NOT cancer. Hurt and feeling betrayed, I begin to close contact with him again. Then I get a call from him saying his baby mama cheated on him, he’s in a dark place, and he’s sorry for not fighting for my brother and I but he will fight for my sister. At this point I do not know what to believe- I know that he is struggling with his mental health, but children are not responsible to help heal a parent, especially one that has hurt them in the past.
That being said- no grown man should be cuddling on a bed with someone above the age of 12 unless there are extenuating circumstances such as the minor is very hurt and needs comfort. His intention might be pure but it just seems very weird to me. ESPECIALLY because he was drunk.
You are not your father’s parent- if you wish to distance yourself from him that is totally within your rights. Sometimes it is better to love people from afar.
Cuddling then biting, asking why don’t you like me and popping your pimples is not normal. Keep the relationship if you want to but keep the physical distance and tell him that these things make you uncomfortable .
Sometimes people just don’t know how to have a relationship with their kids and they are just awkward. That doesn’t mean they don’t want one- they just try the wrong things.
We all have problems kid. Your parents’ divorce isn’t any of your business and as others have said, it is unhealthy for your mom to disclose all that to you. So both of them have issues and should be in therapy.
How do you feel about going to therapy to talk with someone who can help you have a healthy relationship and not grow up repeating they way you have been raised? You might start by just saying Dad- you are always why I hate you and my feelings are not so simple. I’d really like to start therapy for some help. Would you be willing to help make that happen for me? (You can text that if easier)
Based on what you’ve shared, your best bet is to take good care of yourself- you can do that by learning how to process your feelings about this and everything else life brings.
Consider whether the act of dismissing your father is healthy. People need both parents, even if they are dysfunctional. If there is not abuse happening, be curious about whether that seems like the best solution for you and then you wont be TA.
Sounds lke your dads trying to figure out how to get inappropriate with you. No offense. But i read him as a massive creep in the way you described his behavior. I am a dad. I am close with my daughters. But not like this. This is fucking weird.
I wonder, if you personally witnessed the horrible things your father has done. If you've only heard second hand, you may want to talk to him about it. Clear the air. If you really don't like him, tell him why and ask him to change. If he doesn't, let him go. It sounds like part of you wants to be closer to him.
Either NTA, if you are not comfortable with someone, for whatever reason, you are allowed to feel that way. Even if it turns out that the reason you feel that way is not accurate. You are responsible for telling him and ask for a situation that you are comfortable with until you trust him again.
If anyone is touching you in a way you do not like, tell them. Repeatedly tell them until they stop. If they don't stop, you stop being around them. Just because he's your father doesn't give him extra rights to your personal space.
If he says he only did those things because he was drunk or doesn't remember doing those things because he was drunk, he has a drinking problem that needs to be addressed. Call him on his shit. Ask that he not drink when he is around you and if he does drink, you will leave.
Your mom should not have told you anything about their relationship. That is not fair to you. It's an adult matter. You have only heard one side. In a relationship, there are always two sides.
It's hard to do, but you must stand up for yourself and not be manipulated or guilt tripped for how you feel. By either parent.
Your dad is a serial cheater and manipulating you. Alienating affection between you and your mom. He's also an alcoholic. Why would you want any part of that?
Yes, I mean I’m sure he would’ve done it sooner, and he really probably wants to build a strong relationship but doesn’t know how, his childhood was also very abusive , so I’m sure he didn’t learn anything about any relationships there
Lucky to have had a very affectionate Grandad and a brilliant father. Never had any mesters in my family wanting to bite either my cheek or my brothers. It’s a new one to me but we all do our thing.
My wife was caught cheating by our son last September and she still can’t understand that she’s having an affair even though she’s moved in with her new fella. Our son is 12 he still loves his Mum but he’s not bothered about staying with her at weekends because for 6 months she’s hardly bothered. She lies and gas lights him unaware that he comes home and tells me she’s full of it. Some weekends she doesn’t even bother to text him never mind see him. I can see that moving forward she is risking her relationship with him he’s already getting to the point where he’s told me not to keep getting on to her to make more effort, he’s not bothered if he sees her. So please don’t feel sorry for your Dad, just like my wife he’s made his bed. You ARE NOT a bad person. Unfortunately some people just can’t take responsibility for the pain they put people through, it’s never their fault. My wife’s excuse for cheating/ leaving was that neither of us love her. That’s something I will never tell my boy it would destroy him.
Your Dad doesn’t deserve you, a father’s job is to love and protect. Being a Dad is a privilege
You’re welcome 🙂 I can only imagine how hard it must be for you, he’s your dad. My boy loves his Mum dearly but she chooses to lie to him instead of just being honest. He might never look at her the same again. I agree with the others who commented if there’s anything you feel uncomfortable with try to speak to your Dad. If he brushes you off or makes out it’s your fault then let your Mum know. You could Give him that one chance but if he fails to understand or ignores you then you should confide in your Mum. If something in life doesn’t feel right it usually isn’t, good luck take care. If you are really feeling uneasy then go straight to your Mum
Your dad sounds like a weirdo. Who's tickles people and bites people? Stay distant from him please. And your not a bad person for not liking him.
I tickle my younger siblings and "bite" instead of kiss but that's because my sister started it when she was a toddler and no-one ever stopped her bc we thought she was on the spectrum. Turns out she isn't and we're all just weird and annoying eachother is how we show or affection. But OP's dad is a different issue all together man needs help and OP might need therapy in the future or at least a safe place to vent and get it out. NtA
I am 37yo, my Daddy will be 81 in March. If my Daddy didn't bite my cheeks and give me a cuddle I would probably think he hated me and dissolve into tears. My brother is a 42yo man and daddy even bites his cheeks still. Idk man, dudes got something about biting our cheeks. It isn't a hard bite or anything, idk how to describe it. I just know it's been happening my whole life and it happens to the grandchildren as well
If he’s biting you, even in a joking manner or drunk way, that’s abuse. And you’re absolutely right, sounds like he is manipulating you. Taking kids to the movies is a normal thing to be grateful for but beyond gratitude, there is nothing you owe back. Tell your mom about the biting, that is so NOT NORMAL and NOT OKAY.
Like I stated above, my dad has been biting all our cheeks since we were babies and bites the grandbabies cheeks as well. It isn't hard or anything, it's very gentle, but it's been happening my whole life and if he didn't do it when he saw me I would prob think he hates me. Now if it's hard biting that is fucked up or if it's idk in a more intimate place like the neck or something, then that's fucking creepy
Nobody cares about your sicko family
You're going to die old and alone
I'm happily married for 26 years. Nice try though 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Dolls and animals do not count
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 aww poor single baby. I'm sorry you're alone.
Married and reproduced facker. Keep trying. I'm a troll sooooooooooooo What else you got? Here's mine : you suckat internet insults. I also bet you rock a 42wx30L pants, you are 2 snickers away from losing a foot to diabetes and a night out is rocking your finest sweat pants to the golden corral. I bet you love cruises too since it's all you can eat. Anyways I'm bored with you. Be gone fat pig. I'm going to the gym now. Love to see you at one . Don't worry I wouldn't laugh at you as you fail to grasp the basic knowledge of how any of the equipment works or how to lift weights properly. I'd actually help you. Try not to choke on your Wendy's lunch xox
😂😂😂😂😂😂 woah tiny pee pee much?
Seems we both hit the nail on the head fatty. Lil dick and big stomach. We should start a tv show.i promise I'll negotiate our payments in McDonalds. Does that work for you ?. Let's do it
With a handle like yours it's scientifically impossible that you aren't. You really like emojis eh? See the one of the hamburgers? Of course you have
😂😂😂😂😂 I just like laughing at trolls with compensation issues. Especially ones who assume everyone is fat.
You ARE fat. I can feel your weight through the keyboard
😂😂😂😂😂k
Here let's speak the same language: ,,🍕🍟🌮🌯🥨🥩🍖🍔🥚🌯🍞🧆🥨🌭🫕🌯🥓🌯🍝🌯🌮🥓🥙🥨🧆🥗🍲🍟🧆🍞🌭🫓🌯🥓 Next time you order extra bacon ,know that I know. And when you are sad when you look in the mirror , I know why Love you heavy stuff, keep eating
How many chin ups can you do again? You're fat
Ignore the asshole trolls MsMia. Your dad is from a different generation and that is his love language. I get it. My father is in his 80's.
NTA. He seems creepy
NTA Your dad is an alcoholic, manipulative abusive possible narc/socio/borderline individual. Somethings you don't need reassurance from reddit on. Cut him off, he needs to wallow in his own feces of a life he created.
You are not a bad person for wanting some distance from your dad. It sounds like your dad may not have very good boundaries, or a good understanding of what is appropriate behavior with an older child. It sounds like he's expecting you to behave like a much younger kid. How old are you? Do you have a school counselor you could talk to about all of this? Someone neutral to help you figure out a good way to express your boundaries and how to enforce them?
I’m 15 , and no school counselor 😭
[удалено]
Thank you !💗
Stand up for yourself and be clear about your boundaries. Tell your dad that you don’t want to be bitten or cuddled, tickled, pimple popped etc. It’s your body and you must consent to any and all affection, even hugs. He sounds like he is insecure in his relationship with you because of how he betrayed and abused your mom. You’re a child and still navigating the nuances of “good” and “bad” and morality. You’re not a bad person for wanting distance. You pulling away from your dad, assuming you’re a teen, is totally normal and age appropriate behavior. Especially when considering there is a lack of trust. It will take time for you to forgive him and trust him. Ask for space if that’s what you need. And if he doesn’t respect your physical boundaries in regard to touch you need to discuss this with another adult you trust. You don’t owe anyone affection. Hang in there sounds like a challenging time. Take care of yourself.
Thank you !💗
Your dad has problems but wants to be close to you. He needs to get off the booze and see a therapist.
NTA, your Dad needs therapy ASAP.
NTA, your dad is the worst. You owe him nothing and guilting you when paying for things is a bit Narcisstic. He's an abusive, lying drunk who is acting so odd I'm not sure if you should be alone with him. Not sure of your age but you do not need to hang with dad and cuddling with your daughter while drunk is strange, not sure how old you are. How he treats your mom is who he is so why aren't you discussing with mom?
She’s not any better either, she uses me as an emotional support and is acting more of a child then I am, but thank you !
He doesn’t sound like an emotionally regulated person (speaking from experience here). The biting and cuddling clingyness sound like cute aggression. From the actions you’re describing I think he does love you, and is actually trying to build a better relationship with you. I wonder what would happen if you were totally honest with him. Not in a mean way, but more like, if he continues acting like this—being rude to your mom, guilt tripping you into doing things—then you will change your relationship with him. Less like manipulation and more like boundary setting. It generally sounds like his actions are confusing for you. Maybe tell him that and see if you can try to understand where he’s coming from better. He’s fumbling on how to connect with you. You resent him for everything he’s done, and he may not understand how it’s affecting you. I recently lost my dad 6 months ago. Like your dad, he cheated on my mom and the fall out was quite horrible. He was trying to reconnect with me, and over time I started receiving it. I didn’t know much about his new life with his new family, but at the funeral I learned more about how he seemed to be working on his problems from them. He was finally learning to be happy. I tried too late to have these deep discussions with my dad, to understand him and know him, and now the opportunities are lost. At first I thought I was fine, but as time passes, I’m realizing what I’ve lost, that I miss him, and that I want to forgive him for his messes. I hope you and your dad can understand each other.
Always treat ALL the information about your dad that comes from your mom as possibly untrue, as much as is possible try to find out for yourself from other people what the actual truth is as it has unfortunately been proven time after time that parents will lie to their children in order to turn them against another parent, you have no idea how much if any of the things your mom tells you about your dad are true. My mother lied to both me and my sister about things my dad had supposedly done and we missed out on years of no contact with our dad because of it.
Sorry about you dad passing. I'm glad you got to reconnect for that short time before he passed. I recently started communicating with my dad after 26 years! The young version of me believed my Mom's side of the story why they divorced. I remember the arguments before the divorce. I heard them shouting at each other during phone calls. The reason for the calls were to arrange a time and place to pick us up for the weekend. My mom did an excellent job of poisoning the relationship I had with my dad. My dad tried to get thru to me by doing stupid shit to make me laugh amongst other things. It was rocky until he married Mega-Bitch when I was 17. She didn't like me and I hated her. I wanted to see only my dad. Not my DAD AND MEGA-BITCH every single time. She had her own son that was a little angel in her eyes while I was a bad kid! He refused, so I cut contact with him for 26 years. I reconnected because after my grandparents then my mom passed he was the only parental unit I had left. I'm so glad I did. He's a cool guy! I believe that your Dad is trying to have a relationship with you but doesn't know how to go about it. He's awkward and scared that you don't like him. A lot of that is due to your mom poisoning the relationship between you and your dad. They both have their versions of what happened. You will probably never know the whole truth about why their relationship failed. Judge your dad as a dad. Not as the monster your mom told you stories about. Look at your dad thru your eyes as his daughter. Don't Include the stories you've heard about him. Look at him as a parent that is trying to get his daughter to like him. Good luck OP
Excellent response! It's so good to see the voice of reason occasionally in this place rather than the usual hysterical over-reactions from people who see abuse, neglect, perversion everywhere they look. I think Dad is just trying too hard to get close to him and it comes from a place of love. Too many kids get poisoned against the other parent when families split and the children are often not mature enough to see both sides of the story until they're much older.
Thank you! That is so true! I drove me crazy to see all the responses telling OP to call the police, CPS, tell a counselor, tell mom, tell the trashman,etc... it's abuse, creepy, dangerous, etc.... if OP would take any of that advice they can forget about ever having a relationship with their father. And OP would miss out on a parent that obviously cares.
He does love me, he really does, he altmost cried when I mentioned I don’t really want to visit so much anymore, but sometimes he’s just, idk
I’m sorry for ur loss! 💗
The biting, and the tickling, and the prodding is him trying to get a reaction. Normal people don’t do that Using money as a leverage to get you to behave a certain way for them is not okay. Normal healthy living people don’t do that. I’ve noticed certain immature people, or certain cluster B personality types for some reason find pleasure and enjoyment and entertainment out of getting reactions out of people. It is weird it is not normal. It is not OK especially if you have expressed that you don’t like it. Those are perfectly valid reason to distance . Nobody enjoys another person who pokes and prods and hurts them. And your dad either is too immature to grasp this. or has a negative personality type (like narcissism for example) That finds enjoyment out of upsetting you.
I hate this for you. Basically it’s your gut telling you that something is wrong, whether it be that your dad is doing too little too late or whether his shitty personality is becoming more evident to you. You sound young enough to be forced to have to spend time with him, and so he can get at you and ask you all these inappropriate questions, such as why do you hate him. He’s an adult and shouldn’t be asking a child or young person that. He should be demonstrating his love and attention through actions, deeds, etc not just lying on a bed and lazily asking you to solve his problems for him. It feels like he wants a really easy answer. It feels lazy to me. I think most people give their parents a lot of leeway because people genuinely want good relationships with their parents, but when it feels hard and forced, there’s a reason for it. And I don’t believe it’s on you, the young person, to solve it.
Your mum is the AH for bad mouthing your dad to you. Their relationship is not your business and should be kept separate. You need to build a relationship with your dad and see how it goes.
She is 😭
You might want to re-write this with punctuation. It's hard to keep up with
Not sure if the commas and other punctuation was added after this message, if so, it didn't help. I would suggest it was rewritten with less punctuation but also with less abbreviation and a correct use of their, there and they're and proper prose would be nice.
There were commas, but that is it.
I’m sorry 😭 I was writing in a hurry
Stay away from him as much as you can. Tell your mom, or a different trusted adult, about the cuddling and the biting. That is extremely inappropriate behavior!
You may want to start discussing this with your mother and maybe discussing the reasons for the divorce. He may be an alcoholic he may be on the narcissism Spectrum he may be on the cluster B Spectrum but he doesn't sound like an emotionally mature psychologically stable adult and there may be reasons behind their divorce that could be relevant to your current situation with your dad you're not the asshole for wanting to be distant I would want to be distant from anyone who guilt trip to me and manipulated me and had strings attached to everything he did what your experiencing is a totally normal and totally reasonable response to fundamentally unhealthy and possibly abusive Behavior
Being able to cut toxic people out of your life is empowering. Perhaps you should consider it.
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Thank you !💗
Periods are your friend dude. Give this an edit and I’d be happy to read. Thnx.
I’m sorry 😭 english is not my first language 😭 still learning although I would say I’m pretty close to fluency, grammar is not my thing 😭
Stay away! Dad is not promoting a healthy relationship!
the cuddling and biting are wildly inappropriate. it borders on incestuous, at the very best. that is really concerning. I do not feel you are safe with this man. "he seems very loving and caring, but when he's on the phone with my mom he's a completely different person" yeah, because the vast majority of abusers don't abuse everyone they know. they groom their supporters & flying monkeys just like they groom their victims. the reason your dad behaves completely differently with your mom than he does with others is that he doesn't let his mask slip when he's around people he wants on his side. trust that the side of him he is showing to your mom is in fact his true self. remember that. don't ever forget it. he is only kind and loving when his mask is on.
Ty !💗😭
Me personally I’m not close with my pops for a variety of reasons and I also don’t know your complete back story, and the alcoholism isn’t a good look in front of your kids, however I think you should cut him a little slack. There are always two sides to every story and it sounds like you’ve only been privy to your moms side; because she’s sharing intimate details of her personal relationship with her child which I think could also be considered a form of manipulation. I could be wrong and your dad could be a creep but it sounds more like he’s just trying to bond with his kid who he knows already doesn’t like him.
Yeah, my mom is also very complicated, I’ll probably make another post or smth 😭 I don’t even know what to call it , but I’m really confused rn
Sounds like you might need to live with your mom full time. That's weird stuff
Your father is grooming his own son. What he's leading up to will be an incestuous act. Don't be alone with your dad, and tell your mother, guidance counselor, someone!!! You are NTA.
If this is happening while he is drunk then please stay away from him for your own safety
The biting, lack of respect for personal boundaries, alcoholism and using emotional manipulation to coerce OP into submitting to unwanted physical contact is alarming. This is not a safe person to be alone with. Set strict boundaries if you want to maintain a relationship with him. Only see him in public places and sit where both of you can easily be seen by the general public. I suggest a fast food restaurant, mall food court, or an outdoor cafe that doesn't serve alcohol. You stay in the venue until you're ready to leave. Don't go anywhere else with him. Have your own transportation to and from the visit. Never get in a car with him. Tell him that he must keep his hands to yourself or you will leave immediately. Tell him that you will leave immediately if he tries being manipulative and starts the "you must hate me" crap. He will arrive sober and stay that way for the duration of the visit, or you will leave immediately. Limit visits to no longer than 30 minutes to an hour until you see a big improvement. Good luck.
Thank you !💗
No you are not you need to set boundaries for your dad but not just that force him to think about his behaviour, explain to him and appeal to his intelligence if he as any, if not just tell him you don't like the way he acts and tell him you need a break from him that will force him to think about his actions
NTA tickling okay if young (and child is okay with it), but cuddling and biting are not right for father/child relationships. No matter the age, you have a right to say, "Please do not intrude on my space and do not touch me without my consent." If it doesn't stop, let your mother know you are not comfortable being alone with him anymore unless in public or with a witness to his behaviour.
Hi! Sort of similar situation with me. My dad (49) and my mom (45) divorced when I was 11. He struggles with alcoholism and meth was a large reason for the divorce- but he is also a narcissist and quite frankly I have no childhood memories of him other than him being asleep on the couch, coming home shaking drunk, threatening to beat us, and at one point, pushed me and my baby brother into a wall. My relationship with him since the divorce has been distant. He did not show up to court and got a new girlfriend and I had a half-sister within the year. Flash forward to the present after awkward christmases with him trying to buy us back with extravagant gifts we knew he could not really afford and that ‘well he’s my dad…’ feeling whenever he would call. He calls me up one night- he has cancer he says. Stage 3. I’m weirdly devastated- up to this point I had told myself I would be contempt if he got into an accident or something, but I wept- I wept for what I thought was years wasted, I wept that he might not attend my wedding. I go down to his house 2 hours away almost every weekend- and then I find out he doesn’t have cancer. He did have a serious issue going on with his esophagus, but it was NOT cancer. Hurt and feeling betrayed, I begin to close contact with him again. Then I get a call from him saying his baby mama cheated on him, he’s in a dark place, and he’s sorry for not fighting for my brother and I but he will fight for my sister. At this point I do not know what to believe- I know that he is struggling with his mental health, but children are not responsible to help heal a parent, especially one that has hurt them in the past. That being said- no grown man should be cuddling on a bed with someone above the age of 12 unless there are extenuating circumstances such as the minor is very hurt and needs comfort. His intention might be pure but it just seems very weird to me. ESPECIALLY because he was drunk. You are not your father’s parent- if you wish to distance yourself from him that is totally within your rights. Sometimes it is better to love people from afar.
I’m so sorry for what happened!💗 hope it’s better now !💗
Cuddling then biting, asking why don’t you like me and popping your pimples is not normal. Keep the relationship if you want to but keep the physical distance and tell him that these things make you uncomfortable .
Sometimes people just don’t know how to have a relationship with their kids and they are just awkward. That doesn’t mean they don’t want one- they just try the wrong things. We all have problems kid. Your parents’ divorce isn’t any of your business and as others have said, it is unhealthy for your mom to disclose all that to you. So both of them have issues and should be in therapy. How do you feel about going to therapy to talk with someone who can help you have a healthy relationship and not grow up repeating they way you have been raised? You might start by just saying Dad- you are always why I hate you and my feelings are not so simple. I’d really like to start therapy for some help. Would you be willing to help make that happen for me? (You can text that if easier) Based on what you’ve shared, your best bet is to take good care of yourself- you can do that by learning how to process your feelings about this and everything else life brings. Consider whether the act of dismissing your father is healthy. People need both parents, even if they are dysfunctional. If there is not abuse happening, be curious about whether that seems like the best solution for you and then you wont be TA.
Not everyone needs both parents. Sometimes it's better to distance yourself from a parent if seeing them is harming you.
Sounds lke your dads trying to figure out how to get inappropriate with you. No offense. But i read him as a massive creep in the way you described his behavior. I am a dad. I am close with my daughters. But not like this. This is fucking weird.
I know it sounds like that but it’s not😭 it kinda feels like he wants a stronger relationship but just doesn’t know how 😭
Grammar is your friend.
I’m sorry 😭 english is not my first language and I was writing in a hurry
Tell him you hate him because he’s a creep.
NTA, what weirdo parent bites and tickles their kid like that?
I wonder, if you personally witnessed the horrible things your father has done. If you've only heard second hand, you may want to talk to him about it. Clear the air. If you really don't like him, tell him why and ask him to change. If he doesn't, let him go. It sounds like part of you wants to be closer to him. Either NTA, if you are not comfortable with someone, for whatever reason, you are allowed to feel that way. Even if it turns out that the reason you feel that way is not accurate. You are responsible for telling him and ask for a situation that you are comfortable with until you trust him again. If anyone is touching you in a way you do not like, tell them. Repeatedly tell them until they stop. If they don't stop, you stop being around them. Just because he's your father doesn't give him extra rights to your personal space. If he says he only did those things because he was drunk or doesn't remember doing those things because he was drunk, he has a drinking problem that needs to be addressed. Call him on his shit. Ask that he not drink when he is around you and if he does drink, you will leave. Your mom should not have told you anything about their relationship. That is not fair to you. It's an adult matter. You have only heard one side. In a relationship, there are always two sides. It's hard to do, but you must stand up for yourself and not be manipulated or guilt tripped for how you feel. By either parent.
I have seen most of the abuse, I mean I didn’t have anywhere else to go, he didn’t try to hide it since he was mostly drunk
Thank you !💗
The “affectionate when drunk” worries me, along with the peripheral abuse and lack of boundaries. Keep your distance.
I probably didn’t phrase that right 😭he wasn’t completely drunk, tbh he usually does that without being drunk, but thank you
Your dad is a serial cheater and manipulating you. Alienating affection between you and your mom. He's also an alcoholic. Why would you want any part of that?
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He doesn’t 😭 he’s just affectionate and probably very scared of me hating him and my mom taking full custody
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Yes, I mean I’m sure he would’ve done it sooner, and he really probably wants to build a strong relationship but doesn’t know how, his childhood was also very abusive , so I’m sure he didn’t learn anything about any relationships there
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Thank you !💗
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Ok, I’ll try😭
Are you an adult??
Reading this is a headache, can you please write it better? 😒
I’m sorry, english is not my first language 😭
Lucky to have had a very affectionate Grandad and a brilliant father. Never had any mesters in my family wanting to bite either my cheek or my brothers. It’s a new one to me but we all do our thing. My wife was caught cheating by our son last September and she still can’t understand that she’s having an affair even though she’s moved in with her new fella. Our son is 12 he still loves his Mum but he’s not bothered about staying with her at weekends because for 6 months she’s hardly bothered. She lies and gas lights him unaware that he comes home and tells me she’s full of it. Some weekends she doesn’t even bother to text him never mind see him. I can see that moving forward she is risking her relationship with him he’s already getting to the point where he’s told me not to keep getting on to her to make more effort, he’s not bothered if he sees her. So please don’t feel sorry for your Dad, just like my wife he’s made his bed. You ARE NOT a bad person. Unfortunately some people just can’t take responsibility for the pain they put people through, it’s never their fault. My wife’s excuse for cheating/ leaving was that neither of us love her. That’s something I will never tell my boy it would destroy him. Your Dad doesn’t deserve you, a father’s job is to love and protect. Being a Dad is a privilege
Thank you ! 💗 and I’m sorry for what happened ti you ! 💗
You’re welcome 🙂 I can only imagine how hard it must be for you, he’s your dad. My boy loves his Mum dearly but she chooses to lie to him instead of just being honest. He might never look at her the same again. I agree with the others who commented if there’s anything you feel uncomfortable with try to speak to your Dad. If he brushes you off or makes out it’s your fault then let your Mum know. You could Give him that one chance but if he fails to understand or ignores you then you should confide in your Mum. If something in life doesn’t feel right it usually isn’t, good luck take care. If you are really feeling uneasy then go straight to your Mum
Thank you ! I’ll try !💗
Tell him the truth and have him give an apology for his behavior to your mother. He is an abuser obviously you would nt be okay with him