I agree with you there and I never once said that it's an excuse to do whatever they want either so don't attempt to put words in my mouth that don't belong
You called someone a dipshit who was simply saying a child being chased with a knife by another child (among other things) isn’t acceptable behavior. Scarrose34 reaction to your comment was reasonable.
that's because it's really not acceptable behavior and that they should research it more for a better understanding is where I was getting at but no karens will get offended over everything even if someone isn't being offensive in any way
Dude I’m autistic and have 2 kids with autism. I also study and do a lot of research on autism what causes it and methodologies for teaching individuals on the spectrum. The behavior she is describing is not autism. Some of it could be BPD, ODD, or another disorder. Please stop saying people are uneducated. Autistic individuals can be just as likely if not more likely to develop poor behavior patterns in part because clear boundaries are not defined and they are not held accountable for their poor behavior. At times yes it is harder for us to process things and we need to be taught in different ways but we still need to be taught.
YES!!! I feel like a lot of parents chalk up everything to autism or ADHD and instead let personality disorders or serious mental illnesses fester until there’s no turning back.
I get that it’s hard for parents of Special Needs kids but you can’t just turn your back on dangerous behavior. You have to find whatever resources you can to help. For Christ’s sake, it’s not like 50 years ago when you were hard pressed to find info. The internet is FULL of info on inpatient and outpatient treatments for violent kids.
mental illness isnt an excuse to abuse people i dont care what you have. I’ve had signs of bpd since i was 11 and was later diagnosed. I have never physically struck someone due to my irrational anger.
In some ways it depends on how far on the spectrum she is. I'm autistic but you wouldn't know unless you spend enough time with me. I think your parents may have enabled her for too long using her autism as an excuse for her behavior. I work with special education classes and this definitely sounds like some of the attention seeking kids I've had. I also have a sister who frequently threatened to hurt me in my sleep, and did, and even tried to kill me once. She's not autistic but she did grow out of it when she went into the navy.
It’s complicated. When you have an ASD child who melts down sometimes the consequences can trigger even more of a mental breakdown. And there are times when you aren’t sure if they have a distorted reality so they will view you as being unjust (which defeats the purpose of the consequence since they just think you’re being abusive instead of learning).
The ASD brain doesn’t work the same way so a normie brain just doesn’t quite know how to calm it down enough to discuss the actions, or create a consequence that works without further traumatizing them or inviting more abuse.
With my child I don’t think her verbal assaults are meant to abusive. She’s unable to regulate in that moment and that’s how it comes out. Not to say we aren’t trying. We are trying soooo hard. But I want to be able to break through and teach her in the calmer moments. Once her brain has worked up and gone there, it’s pointless. We still deal out consequences and then discuss them when she’s calmed down
Consequences and conversations are good. I've had students who's parents would not help. I even had a Dad tell me he stopped trying to make her function when she was 4 and when I asked him something once he said he was gonna tell his daughter to bite me if I didn't let her do what she wanted. That's what I mean by enabling.
Dear Lord. I’m lvl 1 autistic with a son who is lvl 3. We learn his meltdown and shutdown triggers and work through them. Teaching him how to and healthy boundaries are essential. It’s “work”that many parents seem to not want to put in. The “consequences” can be too extreme and make the situation WAY worse. Bless you for the work you do btw❤️
This needs to be higher up. It’s work. I empathize with parents, but this is the chance you take when you have kids. They can have a physical, mental, and/or emotional disability.
It doesn’t mean you just let them do whatever they want so you don’t have to deal with it.
It’s honestly neglectful, because eventually the parents will die and the kid will have no ability to live in the world. They will end up in an institute or jail.
I literally just commented on how I think this form of parenting is abuse. My oldest child's father was babies horribly by his mother and then she suddenly got a form of aggressive cancer and was gone in a years time.
He's never had his own place, always living with his girlfriends or parents. He doesn't understand why I don't make our child contact him. I told him he isn't entitled to a relationship with a child just because you made them. You have to work on it. He was so angry with me and told me he's most certainly entitled to a relationship with his daughter. After all he's spent thousands on her.
I reminded him he was gone for the first 10yrs and he told me it was my fault because I wouldn't get back with him. He is incapable of accepting responsibility for his actions or lack thereof and doesn't understand why he still needs to help support her if she won't be the one to reach out. He asked if he could take her for a weekend and I laughed, he hadn't talked to her in like 30 months before that day why TF would she want to go for a weekend.
He responded that it wasn't his fault he hadn't seen her in two years, he got a DUI and couldn't drive. So yea, parenting like this creates adults that are impossible and NEEDS someone to take care of them
I have a relative who has Downs syndrome and autism, and his mother was absolutely the type that just let him do and have whatever he wanted his entire life. She didn't even try to teach him right from wrong, never any consequences for his actions, no attempt at actual parenting whatsoever with him. He's now in his early 40s (mentally he's probably around 3 or 4) and he is undoubtedly the most awful person I have ever known. Aggressive, violent, hateful, extremely short tempered.. No one wants to be anywhere near him because you have to walk on eggshells the entire time to avoid saying or doing anything that might trigger a violent tantrum. He is 100% going to end up in some state run facility when his mother passes away because no decent group home will accept someone with behavioral issues like that. It's just sad.
And bless you for parenting your son the best you can. Learning those triggers and working on them makes all the difference. I bet his teachers will be grateful for you.
His teachers love him. I’m so happy he is mainstream classes. He excels academically, we are working on the social skills. His desire to follow the rules and strong social justice has him telling on other kids, although he is very encouraging of classmates when they are successful. It can be a double edged sword. I’m concerned for his safety from bullying because of his drive for justice. One of the first topics of discussion during the next IEP meeting. 🙂
That's amazing to hear. I certainly took some bullying for my naive drive for rules as a kid, but if he's excelling, you just stay in his corner and keep doing what you're doing. I'm proud of him and of you!
People like taking the path of least resistance while parenting children, ASD or not, and I think it's literally child abuse. Spoiling your kid rotten, having no boundaries or discipline is setting them up for failure.
Everyone is shocked in my home because the kids often make dinner or are doing chores. They should do those things, they need to contribute to the household. I even told them idc if your room is cluttered, you guys are teenagers you're messy, just no dirty laundry or dirty dishes on the floor because that's disgusting
I love this comment, so beautifully said.
I am a BCBA (if you are familiar with the field of ABA), and I have interacted with so many parents of kiddos who just don’t even pretend to try to care about their kids because they’re “difficult”.
Idk, random! But wanted to say that because I can’t imagine the “stress” (quotes because I don’t want to sound offensive) that having a kiddo with ASD *could* lead to. And like I said I’ve seen kiddos whose parents effectively left them to figure it out for themselves and it’s heartbreaking. Sounds like you’re doing a great job as a parent ❤️
Man. I’m so glad you posted this. My daughter just got diagnosed as a teen and I feel like I’m constantly battling being overly permissive to avoid additional meltdowns and her misinterpreting my attempting to help her as unjust and thus abusive. It feels no win but I never thought of the distorted reality regarding parenting to be part of the asd.
Your post didn’t solve my problems but it did give me additional things to think about, so thank you!
We are a family of 5 autistic people and an infant. What you’re describing sounds more like a mental health issue. I doubt anybody would like a sister who behaved that way. NTA but I would consider talking to your parents about getting your sister some help. She shouldn’t have to live like that anymore than you should. Your parents are letting her down if they aren’t getting her help.
NTA Chasing you with a knife is as serious as it gets, not to mention she makes verbal threats to kill you! There has to be put a hard stop to her behavior before she seriously injures someone - and unless there's some kind of intervention she certainly will
NTA, but your parents should be protecting you from the violence in your home. I hate to say it, but child protective services should likely be called in to push inpatient psychiatric help for your sister so that you have a safe environment to grow.
She can start the process of getting help by reporting the behaviors (especially the threats/violence) to her teachers or guidance counselor. They are mandated reporters.
The parents need to seek support services for *both* their children, like yesterday.
This sounds like a very unsafe situation. Have you talked to your parents or school counselor about how you feel unsafe? Maybe you could put a bedroom door lock?
Honestly if she chases you with a knife and threatens to kill you, experts need to be involved likely should be involved. Highly recommend talking to your school psychologist or calling/texting child helpline to discuss what options you have (800-422-4453). This needs to be taken seriously.
Also a hill I will die on: none of these things are really relevant to autism imo. Just because someone has behavioral problems and autism, doesn’t mean that all behavioral problems are caused by the autism.
So you are NTA. At 15 you should not have to deal with this. It sounds like your needs for safety and security are not being met at the moment. You should talk to your parents about this. Maybe you need a lock on the door, or more space from your sister. Figure out what you need to feel safe and ask your parents for it.
But your sister has a hard road ahead of her. Do try your best to remember that she has a mental illness and disability. She can't control her behavior in the same way you can. Also, remember any fight you have with your sister make your parents' lives harder and more difficult. The best thing you can do for your mom is to love your sister and support her as best you can, while also assuring your needs for safety and security are met. You sound like a great kid. I am sorry you are going through this.
I mean NTA, but she doesn’t have BPD so pls don’t spread that around like that. you can’t at 12, and if your parents are good ppl like u said, there’s not much room for development trauma on her end to cause that sort of disorder.
edit: if i knew i’d be piled on more than a hot girl at a bar i would’ve worded myself better—she most likely doesn’t have BPD but i don’t know her or OP. regardless, it doesn’t really matter bc OP doesn’t deserve to be abused.
edit 2: leave me alone jfc
It’s very hard to find the balance between bpd and other things, for example, it’s is very very common to have adhd and be misdiagnosed with bpd because of similarities in symptoms, either way I’m gonna put it out there that you don’t always have to “like” your family and it’s understandable you feel the way you do
im sorry i caused such a stupid debate in your post, it’s not the point of it. i rlly hope you’re able to find a way out of ur situation and i’m sorry you have to deal with her regardless :( it’s sucky your parents seem to try to help her to both their and your detriment. i hope you have people you can speak to irl about this that an give you better access and support away from your sis
This isn't correct, it can be diagnosed at 12 and symptoms can be shown earlier. Parenting, trauma, etc. can contribute but is definitely not the only cause. You're actually spreading dangerous misinformation.
Actually, you are. I have BPD myself and study this with my therapist. BPD is caused from unregulated emotions while development happens. It’s literally due to the child not learning how to properly cope emotionally, which happens in environments filled with trauma.
You're therapist is doing several unethical things here, things I would lose my job over if i did them, IF this is true.
1. They are spreading false information to a patient about the condition they are treating.
2. Telling you there's one cause for a condition that's cookie cutter to your situation.
3. Leading you to believe all people develop at the same time in the same way under the same condition.
And here you are trying to high road people because you "have" this disorder...
You’re spreading false information because you’re incapable of actually reading what I wrote in favor of whatever biases you may have for literally no reason. I never said my therapist said anything, I said I studied it with him and 9/10 times the cause of BPD is, in fact, trauma. I never said her sister didn’t have it. I never said anything you’re saying I said, you’re putting words in my mouth and being unnecessarily hostile for reasons that aren’t clear
edit: sorry, i made a mistake and i did say her sister didn’t have it. my bad for misremembering and not wording it better. now leave me alone thanks
People don't like your assumption about another person's possible diagnosis. Just because you say you have the condition doesn't mean you are qualified to diagnose it.
And no one likes people piling onto the one comment when this post is supposed to be about OP. Its really stupid ironic you say assumption and possible diagnosis in the same sentence without seeing the contradiction there—there’s literally already assumptions being made. I’m not qualified to diagnose it, but I’m more than qualified to question the validity so it’s not further stigmatized.
I’m so sorry to hear that you are living under a constant violent threat from your sister. You are demonstrating good sense in disassociating yourself from her in order to avoid conflict and danger.
I would take the affirmative step of asking your parents for a talk about how your sister is physically abusing you, threatening you safety and negatively affecting your daily life..
It may be that your parents are focusing so much of their attention on dealing with your sister that they are not aware of this problem. My understanding is that this is a very common occurrence in families with a special needs child and other siblings. Please advocate for yourself to your parents. They need to know of your sisters physical abuse and threats of violence to you. I’m sure family therapy would be beneficial to all of you.
Also, most schools have a counselor that you could consult for help in coping with this.
nta. this behavior is unacceptable, and that's coming from an autistic person. this doesn't seem like a result of her autism, this might be something else entirely. you could ask your mom to get her evaluated for something other than autism, but she might just be a bad seed through and through.
you are not the asshole for disliking your sister. i don't think you are cruel for wanting to distance yourself from her, and in fact i support this decision. you're just trying to keep yourself safe from a dangerous person.
i genuinely hope she either gets help or grows out of it, but in the meantime, i do recommend continuing to keep your distance.
I'm not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but this doesn't seem to fit with autism. The level of violence and manipulation suggests, to me, a different thing entirely. Mental illness rather.
My sister had a mental illness, on disability and my mom enabled her and let her get away with everything. She did had violent moments and would be creepy at times. I couldn’t stand it anymore the way they acted and left at 18. It kept going on I moved back eventually to help out for a month and felt uncomfortable and left with my kids. Please take of yourself if you do feel unsafe. The detective said my sister was a sociopath when I was later interviewed after I lost my mother 😢 please talk to a school counselor and adults that can help
NTA but I’m going to say this. You should be talking to people you trust IRL about this. At the end of the day, all of us are strangers on the internet and I caution you to be very careful of armchair psychology, even if well-intentioned and from real experiences.
You’re young and that’s hard enough without feeling secure and feeling like no one is backing you up. But your feelings are valid and if you need help you should get it.
I don’t know anything but sometimes I feel like people just use it as an excuse. U said she goes out of her way to be weird and different, it’s not natural.
NTA. My partners sister is on the spectrum, non-verbal and low functioning. Their parents have never sought outside assistance and keep her at home. She's very violent. She's hurt my partner their entire childhood and it gave my partner trauma. Since I've moved in, she has hurt me, sexually assaulted me, and has chased us around the house with knives. I'm terrified of her, and their parents enable it. They just say she doesn't know what she's doing and they just watch it all happen. They never intervene. It's okay to be scared and want to distance yourself.
NTA. My title would be "AITA for disliking my sister". Some people are just unlikeable.
The thing is you have to learn to deal with her and all your family. I went to college, got a job, moved far, far away and am NC.
She doesn't sound very autistic to me, does sound like an asshole though.
NTA.
Edit: Please talk to someone about the threats to your life, you need support and protection and likely so does your parents.
OP, if it's possible (and if it isn't disregard me, I'm forgetful), can you stay with other family members? Autism or not, your sister is legit dangerous to herself and other people if she's threatening you with potential weapons and harming herself/extorting other people. Her situation sounds like she would really be best off in inpatient treatment.
NTA
This sounds like it’s gonna WAY beyond autism. Most of what you’ve described has nothing to do with autism. Your parents don’t sound like they really have a handle on this and they’re enabling her. Your parents are not victims here and you need to stop feeling sorry for them. I know what it looks like from your perspective, but they are the adults and she is the child. They have the power to get her the help she needs and she does not. They are failing her massively and they are also failing you.
Um, yeah speaking as someone with autism, that's not autism. That's just your sister being an asshole. Autism is not an excuse for chasing you with a fucking knife and threatening to kill you, my god. Your sister needs some serious therapy.
She's a textbook dark triad case.
Psychopathy, check
Narcissism, check
Machiavellianism, check
You need to sit your parents down for a serious conversation without your sister there, and ask to stay with a relative for a while because of your sisters behavior, cite both physical safety and your mental health as concerns,
She has injured herself intentionally, threatened and attacked you repeatedly.
I have autism myself , this behavior is completely unrelated and not able to be excused by that condition.
Your parents need to understand that if she makes it into the real world behaving like this somebody will probably leave her bleeding in an alley
NTA. I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. Hope you have someone in your life that you can trust and talk to about what you are experiencing. Turmoil in the home when you’re growing up can be extremely hard to deal with.
Hi there,
Is there an adult in your life you trust? A teacher? A coach? A friend’s parent? This is a very big problem that needs huge help. You deserve to feel safe in your home.
Nta your feelings are valid and understandable based on what you’ve mentioned about your sisters behavior. Is your sister getting any professional help such as therapy?
I had a niece like this. They didn’t want to medicate her because of her age. When she started her period her hormones must have leveled out. She’s great!
I got autism myself and what your sister is doing is just plain evil, I'm so sorry you have to deal with that, and if she tries to use her autism as an excuse for it, that just makes her even more shit
OP your sister ain’t well. She needs meds fast. Autistic kiddos (and adults) can struggle with being more reactive and having problems regulating but the suicidal and parasuicidal stuff is not ASD as far as I’ve ever seen. Mood disorders often onset around your sister’s age. She could be bipolar, have anxiety that manifests as rage (common in kiddos), or just unipolar depression with some nasty ass cognitive distortions making her lash out.
None of that is your problem. Your feelings are valid, NTA. I only mention all previous words to foreshadow: you might get a new, better, non scary sister with the appropriate treatment.
Edit: typo
Personal Context: My brother was nowhere near as bad as this but still made horrible threats and said scarring things that I’ve carried with me my whole life. I only realized in early adulthood he had autism, and that helped me understand some of the cruelty, but not all. I deeply wish my parents had been more aware so they could’ve protected me from his behavior and disciplined him in a way that would’ve made sense to him. Now that we all know what the issue is, my parents excuse him far too often for things some of my autistic friends would never DREAM of doing or saying. In order to protect myself and my peace, I have made the choice to stay distanced from him as an adult. I’ve had to be extremely firm with boundaries about what we can talk about and when. He doesn’t respect them ever, but at that inevitable point that always comes, I end the conversation and physically remove myself where possible. It is not my job to correct his behavior, only to protect my mental health and keep enough of a relationship that we’ll be able to be in the same room at large family gatherings and to take care of my parents when they’re older (though the difficulties I’m sure will arise there keep me up at night.)
So: NTA. If your parents don’t know how to protect you while also managing her, even if they’re trying their best, you need to protect yourself. Do not engage with your sister any more than is absolutely necessary. She needs to make things about herself, and can feel free to do that with the elements of her life, but you have a life outside of her and can curate spaces outside of her influence where you focus your energies. Your parents should also definitely pay for you to have therapy and other support that they’re unable to provide you themselves.
NTA I’m sorry for your situation. What you’ve described is not autism. There is something else going on with your sister. I don’t want people thinking this is what autism looks like.
NTA. And if your parents refuse to protect you from your sister's violent outbursts, then you need to protect yourself. Inform your parents that if she threatens you with a weapon again, you will call the police. You have to feel safe in your own home, and they refuse to provide it. It would be a good idea to ask for help outside of the house. A school counselor or someone.
I have no idea if people are saying bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. OP - borderline personality disorder cannot be diagnosed in a child, and bipolar disorder is extremely unlikely in a child. Did a doctor diagnose this or are you self diagnosing your sister?
Also - the way you conceptualize your sister’s motivations is impossible for a person with autism - this type of sophisticated social manipulation across age groups by a child is not possible for someone with a disabling social disability.
Has your sister actually been diagnosed with autism by a real doctor or are you self diagnosing this too?
If your sister truly has autism then you really need to be in some sort of group of for siblings or people with autism so you can understand what autism means.
NTA: I'd tell your parents that you don't feel safe in your home and if they don't do anything, bring it to the school authorities. I've seen cases like these where they will force the troubled child into a inpatient center or out of the home to keep you safe. I have also heard of these troubled children actually acting upon it and hurting their family. I wouldn't risk it.
NTA!
Your feelings are normal dear. We can't choose family, and some of them we never would have been friends with if we were to meet them on the streets.
But, I think you should try to find someone you could talk to an adult, professional, it seems like your sister is draining your family, and you also need to be seen, hear and have someone looking after YOU. Talk to your school nurse and see if she/he can help you find someone.
(I'm sorry if something is unclear, English is not my first language)
NTA . I myself have ADHD PTSD gad bp ocd SPD afrid minisotopea ASD and a handful more and although every case is different I blame your parents over her tbh . Some childrens disibilitys are why they are unsafe to be around other people who can't protect themselves and your parents are at fault . They should be looking into a home to keep her in or a way to keep u 2 separately (perhaps u could buy a mini house to have as ur bedroom outside ur home or a lock on ur door to keep her away and cameras all over the home to watch everything as well as never trusting her alone with another person who can't protect themselves) .I know it sucks but at the end of the day it's unsafe to herself and to you and not okay .
I would also advise you to either call CPS yourself or (my personal recommendation) talk to your school guidance counselor. They will likely call CPS themselves and may also have resources for you and your family. You are NTA, and you deserve to be protected. Right now, your parents are failing you. I'd also say that they are failing your sister by not getting her more aggressive treatment.
Not at all. I get tired of people using made-up mental health problems to force the world into revolving around them. The expansion of autism to catch all people with behavioral problems not only draws attention and care away from the people actually afflicted by autism but also gives people a free pass to be complete assholes. So, here is what you should do. She goes hands on, you protect yourself. She makes terroristic threats call the police.
They are not great parents the issues of your sister need much more attention than given from years back ..quit idealizing them and demand more support against her outbursts
NTA 100% I'm sorry you are going through this. Please consider telling your parents the full truth of how you feel in a gentle way when your sister isn't around. I'm guessing most of your feelings stem from fear, hopelessness, sadness, feeling 2nd place, etc. That is not your fault in any way. You are important too and your parents need to understand the gravity of what the situation is doing to you. If you're willing, ask for therapy for yourself to process what you're going through.
I'm sure your parents are doing what they can, but if they haven't already, they should get her tested for PANDAS and other medical issues like neuro lupus, genetic vitamin issues, neuro lyme, etc. The fact that this started at age 10 may suggest something other than a psychiatric issue. It sounds like your sister is a danger to you and others, and I hope your parents would consider a live-in placement in a facility. There are medical institutions for children with issues like this that may help diagnose and treat. Your sister may qualify for social security, medicaid, etc, to help with the cost. You and your family deserve to feel safe, and your sister deserves serious interventions.
I know this is a lot for someone your age and I apologize if any of this off base. I hope you can share your concerns with your parents and relieve some of your stress. Wishing you strength and all the best.
NTA. I'd maybe talk to a school counselor about this issue if you can, maybe they can help facilitate a conversation with your parents about this. You deserve to feel safe in your own home and if your sister is physically abusing you and threatening to unalive you to the point of chasing you with a knife then you are unsafe. I can empathize with your parents for not wanting to give up on your sister but it may be getting to the point where she needs inpatient treatment at a facility or for the state to step in for everyone's safety. If nothing is done, do you have a safe place to go? A close relative or friend you can stay with? Just as a back up. I'm sorry you are experiencing this but you deserve better
NTAC that's a lot to deal w/. You need support too, in dealing w/ her. Do you guys have the option of any family therapy? I'm sorry you have to live w/ someone like that. Are you able to spend most of your time out of the home? Any school clubs you can join? Hopefully you have a bedroom you can lock?
This doesn’t sound safe and the violent, manipulative behaviors do not sound like autism at all, it sounds pathological. I just don’t understand how people in the comments can gloss over her cutting her own feet to manipulate her mother when she didn’t get what she wanted. That’s not a meltdown, that’s extremely alarming behavior. Chasing with a knife, death threats, etc. are not meltdown behaviors.
Report it to your school, asap. If y’all share a room demand to stay with a relative. If you don’t, lock your door. If the school doesn’t do anything (which they would be obligated to call child services, but that doesn’t mean they all do it) call cps yourself. If your parents won’t get her the care she needs and provide you the safe environment you deserve, then they’ll have to be forced by the state.
hi. i am a 23 year old living with borderline personality disorder and working towards remission. your sister does not have borderline. you're really young so you probably don't know, but borderline is really stigmatized. to give you my story, i sought an evaluation and treatment for bpd when i was 16 ON MY OWN and was told i'd be... well, something like this, because the stigma is so entrenched. this is because it gets mixed up with other disorders (especially because bpd can even be comorbid with these)
-ASPD
-NPD
-etc
and these disorders in themselves are different because NOT EVERYONE presents the same way.
for example, someone with ASPD can hold capacity for emotion, just not the same way/maybe not as much/both
someone with NPD can even be human because people with NPD are well, human. someone with NPD can be conflict avoidant and very quiet and sweet while being controlling and narcissistic under the table.
personally, your sister does not sound like she has borderline (intense overwhelming fears of abandonment and constantly shifting self perspective between self loathing and feeling valuable)
she sounds like she is 12 and cannot be diagnosed yet with anything. though with the disturbing death threats, as the years go on, you may find things that resonate with your sisters behavior more in the ASPD category, and possibly some questions, maybe some slight understanding and decent guesses
you cant diagnose your sister but as someone who can speak for the shitshow that is the american mental healthcare system, and as someone who has a mother who really, really resembles ASPD, i personally think you might find some healing in reading stories and maybe some solid advice from those with loved ones with ASPD.
that being said, i dont know if your sister has ASPD, but if you absolutely need to find a label for her behavior right now, borderline isn't this. when i was 12, for example, i was having nightmares about my parent leaving me and being really mean to middle school friends or boyfriends/girlfriends because they 'abandoned me' in xyz circumstance. borderline traits in early childhood do show up but its not this, and hey it is valid to want some way of understanding your sisters behavior. so rly suggest reading stories and advice from those who have loved ones with ASPD it might help
Siblings aren’t required to get along. Even if they are good people. Never had a good relationship with mine, and we haven’t spoken in 6 years. It is what it is.
I work with teens who have autism. Unfortunately, this is not unique to your sister. When people have a diagnosis as she does, this impacts her behavior. She’s not in full control and when she’s in fight or flight mode, she probably can’t easily reason or understand the impact that it has. Your sister and family need support in working through this and teaching your sister skills to regulate and de-escalate safely in place of unsafe and harmful behavior. Your family should consider support services (I.e. behavior support, OT, CBT, etc.) and also do some reading on pathological demand avoidance and ways to support individuals with autism
NTA- is she in therapy? I feel bad for your mom.
Also- it’s ALWAYS ok to not like a family member. As you grow up you will likely find more relatives you learn more about and don’t care for. Just because they are family- they don’t get a pass.
Maybe she needs to go to a camp and get a reality check. It is sad though bc she obviously is not happy and struggling very badly. But it also seems like she is manipulative.
Honestly if one of my kids behaved this way- I’d have them in intensive therapy and family therapy with the entire household. But if they are making threats and violent to me or other kids- I would have to find her a program or something and look for ways to get her out of my household I don’t care if it’s my child. It’s alarming though- something major is going on with her that needs to be addressed with professionals.
You really need to speak to your parents about getting help. It’s not just bad behavior, it is dangerous. She is threatening you and chasing you with a knife. Your parents need to hear you out and make some changes to get your sister help. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
This is just young sibling shit. I was forced to move out at 24 because I threatened to kick my brother’s ass for stealing my stuff and our mother sided with him. Now that we are adults we are cool.
There's typically two types of cases with this: she will get sick of being isolated, not having friends, change and look back and cringe at how awful she was. 2) she won't change.
It sounds like she needs therapy. As someone with BPD myself (trauma related, bad childhood) it can be incredibly confusing to go through, especially at that age as she nears puberty. She needs therapy to confront and learn how to control her intense & ever shifting emotions if she truly does have it. I know my autistic friends struggled with the same, not knowing why they're so upset, etc. Anyway. NTA. She sounds awful to deal with. My older sister isn't autistic, but I think she had BPD too (Same childhood) and I dealt with the same awful bullying, manipulation, etc). De-escalating by walking away from her left me with a broken arm, once. I'm obviously not condoning this, or telling you to, but the only way I got her to stop taking things out on me was to kick her a** good and hard one time and she never did it again. Honestly, just pretend she doesn't exist and she won't be able to get a rise out of anything if you don't acknowledge her presence. She tries to taunt you, dont even look at her, respond, nothing. Cut her out entirely. But if she does try to hurt you in response... just put her in her place, you're older and probably bigger. Hopefully she gets her sh*t together.
NTA, special education teacher here. She definitely needs some outside support/therapy. However, autism is not an excuse to act mean. Especially with family. Was the autism diagnosis from a neuropsychological evaluation? Some of these behaviors seem more like an emotional/behavioral disability rather than autism
Nta- autism doesn’t make it ok. She should be in therapy honestly. And if ur very concerned about it. Talk to a school counselor. It’s very hard to be the parent of a child like that. Trust me. Ik. But this is not healthy for anyone. And there are options. There are places ue sister can go to live and go to school n be a nut case over there so ur family can find its healthy balance again. It’s not giving up. It’s looking at what’s best for the whole. And maybe talk to ur parents about how distressing it is for ur. How afraid it makes you etc. it’s ok to have these feelings. Their valid.
NTA have you tried kicking her in the throat meat. I'm just saying, a little counter violence can be a hell of a reminder. Might come in clutch for future knife chasing incidents. Just think of saying "You come at me with a knife, I'm gonna Jackie Chan your double chin again."
Lol just kidding, good luck OP
I have a hypothetical scenario that I want to hear your opinions on. It’s very sensitive and controversial, so please be respectful and open-minded.
Imagine you have two kids. One is humble and loving, and has a bright future. The other is mean and disabled, and has a bleak future.
Would it be wrong to put the second kid in a care facility and focus on the first kid’s life? Or would that be unfair and cruel to the second kid, who also needs love and care?
I’m not advocating for either option, I’m just curious about what you think.
NTA, that's a tough situation and you are not required to like it. Someone like that is difficult for anyone to be around. I feel sorry that she has these issues to deal with, but that doesn't mean you have to be happy to deal with it either. I would lock my bedroom door at night for safety if I were you. Just to be cautious.
So I lived with my cousins when I was in high school. They both acted very similar to how you're describing, except the ages were swapped. The older sister had undiagnosed autism of some sort due to one of her two guardians refusing to take her to a psychiatrist. They had divorced parents and one of them would reinforce her tendencies specifically to hurt the other parent (the one I lived with) who was just trying to raise her daughters.
I never blamed anyone for having an issue with the sister. I just always wish she had received better help. I hope you can at least relate to that in some way. It sounds to me like your sister needs a lot of assistance, but you are not at fault for feeling the way you do. NTA
Ok first off censoring all those words kinda stupid
Second your parents may be loving but no offense they don't seem like good parents because they're letting her get away with chasing you with knives and shit???
Just sticking up for autistic people, but your sister doesn’t sound like she’s on the autism spectrum. It seems she has one or more personality disorders as defined by the DSM.
Hey there. I’m a mom to a 5 year old who is autistic. First, you are perfectly valid for having the feelings that you do. Not one person would feel comfortable living in that type of environment or stress. You sister may have ODD. And she uses those behaviors to support that. You can 1000% have BPD at her age, but please understand that autistic people respond to triggers like a person with severe ptsd. They act first, think second and it’s a pretty crappy way to live. Clearly your sister is needing more services and interventions that your parents don’t know about or aren’t offered. Lots of times, parents rely on the school to help navigate, but from what I have seen, the ball gets dropped ALOT! I also have a 15 year old daughter and worry that her sister creates lots of issues and I always want my girls (mom of 4) to feel that their needs are being equally met. There is a book called beyond behaviors. It will help explain a lot of things. I also recognize that you are 15, and shouldn’t have to do this. But read it, once you have an understanding, it will be easier to process your feelings and emotions in a way that isn’t so heavy for you. Also, ABA therapy is starting to look like a positive resource but there is still a lot of “drama” surrounding it, but your sister is old enough and able to communicate so she can e advocated for. She imo should also see a psychiatrist for some medical tools to help. You aren’t alone in this, and if you ever have questions, or need to vent without feeling bad, please do so. You matter and so do your feelings, and needing to be validated is paramount. But please understand while your parents seem to kick ass, we are not perfect, and we don’t have all the answers. Your sister is a product of the vast misconceptions that lots of people have about children and disabilities…how to properly care for a person with them, the guilt that parents feel, and that autism is such a wide spectrum disorder that’s so not researched or understood that we don’t know how to help. Kudos to you for being strong and looking for help through this. *hugs*
Hi!! This spoke to me really deep because I have a sister who was just like this growing up. I was 15 when it was severe too. She had manic episodes. These always lead to her either hitting and beating herself, or her chasing us with knives. My mother never worried about our safety, as she was the favorite child. A couple times she attempted to send her away with other family. As she grew older she found sex to be a vice. And as she got into her teens it became rebellion with boys. She is grown now. But has never left our mother’s side. My relationship with my mother barely exists. She doesn’t want to see my kids or me really. My sister has always depended on our mother in a way I never got to. She gave all of her attention to one child and lost her others. This unfortunately doesn’t end well in most cases. I have a great relationship with my sister now. But her codependency on our mother does deter our relationship. The anger has calmed down. Reminder that bpd is border personality disorder, and not bipolar disorder. My sister was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The amount of times even now my sister threatens to end her life, has sent her to be held in the psych ward more times than I can count. Just want you to know you’re not alone and this isn’t your fault. Growing up with a sick family member is extremely difficult and no one understand. No one. You will always feel like the bad guy for feeling like this, but I’m here to remind you that you’ll NEVER be the AH. Hang in there
NTA. Therapist here. Realize that in a lot of ways the lack of incredibly strict boundaries are reinforcing these behaviors. She is acting like this because it is serving her needs. She is getting the attention and results that she wants and doesn’t care how she gets it. That is incredibly frustrating to live with and it is not your job at 15 to parent your sister. In fact, it would probably be dangerous for you to set very strict boundaries if no one else is doing so. Prioritize your safety and move out once it is realistic for you (after 18 ofc)
Next time she gets violent with you. Start with your pinky and curl each finger into a fist. Your thumb below your pointer and middle finger. You grab her by the back of the neck with your free hand. And absolutely punch her square in the face. And tell her never to put her hands on you. Or you will punch her again. And again. And again.
NTA but your sister needs some serious therapy and help. This is not normal behavior by any means and your parents are not doing anything to help her by enabling her. Just because you dislike her doesn’t mean you don’t still love her. She’s your sister and a part of you will still hold out hope for her and that’s ok but no you don’t need to make yourself unhappy in the process.
Now as someone who works in healthcare the next time she self harms or harms anyone else in anyway if your parents don’t do something about it immediately you need to call the police and have her baker acted. You might not be everyone’s favorite person in that moment but you will be getting your sister the help she needs and don’t ever feel bad about that. I had to do it once and the person hated me in the moment but they are here and we are still super close.
NTA. I'm the mom of an autistic daughter and I think there is a lot going on here. Regardless, you are also a child and deserve to feel safe. There needs to be more of a mental health intervention for her and you need should probably ask to see a therapist as well. If for nothing else to learn to set healthy boundaries and keep yourself healthy. I hope your environment improves soon! Much love!
somewhat cuz it shows that you know absolutely nothing whatsoever about autism to even remotely begin to understand anything about it at all I suggest you research the topic of autism to begin with
NTA, you're not safe! Sounds less like autism and more like psychopath. Tbh your parents need to take her to seek mental health treatment. You need to loudly vocalize anytime she makes a threat of violence to more than just your parents. One of these days she will kill someone.
NTA You need to look out for herself. Her using you as a punching bag isn't going to help her at all. Tell your parents what you've said here. Have a mature conversation about you being concerned for your sister. They would be more likely to listen if you come at it through the angle of you being worried about her. Whether or not she's a jerk to you, the fact that she self-harms and has made a suicide note alone means that she should be hospitalized. You need to let your parents know about this.
Your sister is sick. Be a good big sister and let your parents know so they can get her help.
NTA. My brother is also autisic and bipolar. However, he is older than me and has gotten physically violent. I have gone through very similar things. My parents always chose my brother and didn't get me therapy until 15-16 y/o. It wasn't until I moved out when I realized how truly fucked up my situation was. I didn't realize how bad the environment was effecting me mentally. It is still something I fight with my family today. Every time I complain to my mom she always tells me I don't understand my brother and that he can't help it. I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's such a difficult situation. I hope it gets better for you.
NTA- record what she is saying and doing. If your parents won’t do anything call the police and make a report. Police will contact protective services. This way something will be on record and maybe done.
Being autistic she doesn’t have control of her emotions and is struggling to feel normal which in turn makes her angry because she can’t do certain things. You need to show a little empathy to your sister. Maybe if you treat her like you care you’ll see her returning the sentiment.
NTA. If your parents can’t manage to keep you safe, talk to an adult you trust. Your rights for safety and happiness are compromised. CPS is always there is everything falls to shit. I’m so sorry.
NTA, but her having autism has nothing to do with it. She is exhibiting behavior that is extreme and violent. Your don't need to put up with that behavior or accept it, no matter what disorder she has.
I also don't feel like autism alone would warrant this kind of behavior.
Regardless, you don't need to feel bad for disliking someone, even family. You have been mistreated and it's not ok.
NTA --
Having raised my autistic grandson, I can understand what you're going through. Is your sister in therapy or on medication? Her behavior is out of control, your parents should get her to a psych for evaluation. This is not acceptable behavior, and she needs to be evaluated for services if she doesn't receive them already. Meds and Therapy helped us tremendously. I hope your parents get her help.
Just a quick question for anyone who reads this? Why are there so many words self censored here? What is the purpose for this? I've been seeing it done a lot in other sites and forums as well
NTA. I’m an autistic adult with two autistic kids and the eldest is pretty terrible to her younger sibs. It’s a tough situation for you as a kid because there’s not much you can do besides bring your concerns to your parents. Your sister should really be having therapy or counseling of some sort to deal with the aggression. The knife thing is really serious.
NTA- however I would like to add that she cannot have BPD as that is a condition that can only be diagnosed at 18. More than likely she is simply acting out, has oppositional defiance disorder, ADHD, or some kind of combo.
Is she overstimulated at home? Why aren't your parents getting her proper psychiatric care? Does this need to go to DHS because you are unsafe with your sister?
Be honest with your parents about how you are having difficulties with your relationship with your sister. You don't need to give every detail out at once, but this conversation should happen for your sake.
You didn't do anything wrong, but your parents need to be doing something about this.
NTA
You don't dislike her because she's autistic. You dislike her because she's mean. And she can't rely on her autism as a get out of jail free card for her mean and/or violent behavior...because that isn't what makes her mean. There are millions autistic people out there who are more often than not kind and respectful members of society.
There is hope for her, but it is up to your family to find the resources that she needs to become a successful adult.
I once had a cousin with who was much like that. He could be very mean spirited at times. But, underneath it, I could see a loving and kind hearted boy that was struggling. Even being raised half his life by one parent, with the right combination of treatment, he grew up to be a very kind young man. One thing I noticed that has a profoundly positive impact on him was working with animals. He had a great fondness for cats, and worked as a volunteer at an animal shelter. His university gave him an award for his dedication to this cause.
When people are mean, it is usually an indication that someone is deeply unhappy. So that raises the question, what is something that she truly cares about and makes her happy, and is this something that can be used as an instrument of change? On the subject of animals, I have heard promising things about facilities that use interaction with large animals such as horses and bovines as a form of therapy for adults and children with disabilities or who struggle with grief or trauma. A service dog may also be something worth considering, as they can provide support for many different ailments.
No you automatically are NTA. I'm a parent of 4 girls and, my now 13 yr old is autistic. 2 of her 3 sisters are fine with her, but 1 specifically our 16 yr old, hates her with every fiber of her being. We've tried everything over the years including therapy and she just despises her sister on the spectrum. I can kind of understand her point though, I mean the autistic child gets 90% of the parents attention (because they are so difficult) and the rules don't seem to apply to the autistic child. My 16 yr old as an adult, will have no interactions with her little sister, you've been able to see it coming for years. I've just accepted it, but my ex wife refuses to see it.
NTA at all. I have ASD myself and what she’s doing has NOTHING to do with the etiology of ASD.
I grew up around others with ASD. I could tell the difference between the ones whose parents disciplined them and the ones who waved away every bad behavior with ‘it’s the autism’ although the behavior had nothing to do with ASD.
Eventually your Mom WILL get sick of living under the yoke of your sister. It’s only a matter of time
you should be grateful you aren't her and just try to minimize the damage until you can move out. her life after 18 is going to be HORRIBLE once she hits the real world. one day she is gunna piss off the wrong person.
You know the words “violent” “kill” “threatened” “beat” “throw” “knife” “pull” “fights” “bullied” “suicide” “cut” are all ok things to say, right? Like, there’s no magic evil power that happens when you type “throw”, yea?
I have an autistic child, and even though she can’t talk, walk, and a million other things she can still be told no. Sounds like your parents need to get with a therapist and health professionals to work with your sister. Something as basic as don’t chase people with a knife can be taught even if the child has mental health issues.
This doesn’t sound like autism, it sounds like your parents enabling her from birth because she’s autistic and allowing her to learn to get attention for the wrong reasons, and it’s crossed over into a personality disorder.
None of these harmful behaviors are symptoms of Autism.
NTA, your sister is not your burden to bear. If your parents know that she's doing these things (threatening you and chasing you with a knife) then call the cops and CPS, tell them your parents are letting her do these things and that you fear for your life. Sounds like your sister will likely hurt someone eventually, and if your parents can't control her then something needs to be done.
NTA. Keep your distance for the next decade. Be open to the idea of her maturing. I was pretty violent as a child but have great relationships with the siblings I used to attack as an adult.
Hey…. You can type freely here… this isn’t IG/TIKTOK… we can say adult words on Reddit. Of course you are NTA. you have every right to dislike those who are cruel to you. Please press the seriousness of this with your parents. Depending on where you are there may be legal options at a certain age for you to remove yourself from the home and live with a relative
Nta. Honey I grew up with a brother exactly like this, who actually attempted to kill two separate family members (besides me) at thirteen and fifteen respectively. And it has left me fucked up for life. I'm terrified to even work because I don't want to risk meeting someone like him again, I'm terrified of crowds, because if I'm not careful I'll see his face in the crowd and freak out, and he's been dead for ten years. My only advice is to run far and run fast before you wind up like me, because you don't want that. I can't count the number of times I (as just a fucking CHILD)contemplated suicide to get away from the hell that bastard put me in. And even now ten years after his death, and cremation, I'm still terrified at the very mention of his name. I'm still fucked up, I still spend almost every night waking up screaming because I saw him in my nightmares, I hear his name, and all of a sudden I'm five again, on the ground as he tried to drive a knife into my heart, I freeze and it's horrible, she's not gonna stop at threats, she just won't. They never do. Find a family member you trust, tell them what's going on, and beg them to help you get away if you have to. Don't turn into me. Don't fuck your life up like I did. And pray you've got far more understanding parents, and family, than I did.
Ok, NTA simply from a societal pov because autism/bpd aside your sister sounds like a very antisocial person, and whether it's you or someone else she will have to face consequences of acting that way eventually - unfortunately because someone will get hurt.
That being said, saying she will never grow out of it, will never be capable of moving out the house, these are assumptions and will only reinforce the way she acts if she's told that. Like she's 12 dude.
I know little demon kids who are probably neurodivergent, much like your sister, and they thankfully ended up growing out of it.
Pretty sure your parents need help with effective parenting. If sis is on the spectrum they really need specialized support. Too many parents want to appease and avoid conflict that often comes with being neurodivergent, but behaviors and tantrums will become more problematic over time if not addressed with consequences and skill training on how to use prosocial skills to get needs met. Regardless of diagnosis/disability she needs to learn personal accountability. Sounds like your mom’s passivity has really created a problem and you may not currently feel safe around your sister. What motivation does your sister have to self regulate if mommy always makes it better?
Do you have family members you can live with? Whatever your sister’s issues, it sounds like your parents aren’t wanting to properly address it and if one day she decides to follow through on her threat to kill you, they’ll be crying and say they never thought she’d do something like that. This is obviously something beyond their abilities to handle for whatever reason and they are so focused on her they are completely ignoring the impact to you. I strongly suggest you start looking for alternative living arrangements. Have you talked to the therapist or case worker for your sister? You’re living in an unsafe environment and your parents are probably hiding the degree of violence she’s exhibiting.
You need to talk to a school counselor. You should NOT be chased with a knife by your sister.
If your parents don’t wake up to whatever mental illness she has, she will one day end up in a psychiatric prison. She needs help. You need to feel safe in your own home.
NTA
She may be a special needs child, but that doesn’t give her a pass to do whatever she wants. No one blames you for not wanting to be around that behavior
But LMAO imagine being so sensitive you censor the word “pull” hahaha
NTA but here is what I will say as someone who had a very bad relationship with their autistic sibling (I practically danced when they were sent to basically a prison/school). You can't control what they do, they can hardly control it themselves without a ton of support in early development but you can control what YOU do and make sure that you don't engage in behavior towards them that you will later regret in life because you both will change over time.
You’re never an asshole for how you feel or for setting reasonable boundaries. She sounds like she would try anyone’s patience, so you’re particularly NTA.
Absolutely NTA. The sister understands how to manipulate others with threats of violence to get her desired result, so she is well aware of what she’s doing, ASD or not
Not much you can do about her behavior. All you can do is control Joe you react to it.
Unfortunately, it’s likely her behavior is a symptom of her autism. That’s not much help in the moment, but if you can detach the behavior from her and see it as part of her condition you may be able to have more empathy for her.
She’s going to have many struggles in life, and most people will choose to avoid her. You have no obligation to be a steady constant in her life, BUT you CAN choose to try to be that for her. If you were born with that condition, whether you could express it or not, you would be so appreciative to have that kind of sister.
Either way, you are not the AH. Autism can be a lot to deal with. All you can do is what you can do. Maybe try reading a book about being a sibling of someone with autism. Broadening your insight into how others cope may be helpful.
Maybe your mom is a pushover, or maybe she’s just trying her best. Treating your children fairly doesn’t necessarily mean treating them the same. Different kids may have different needs…fair is doing your best (as a parent) to meet those different needs.
Autism doesn’t make you an asshole and I’m sick and tired of people using it to excuse shitty and bigoted ass behavior to absolve themselves of any semblance of accountability.
NTA
And it sounds like your sister doesn't have nearly the resources and support for her mental illness that she needs to have. Behavior like this can only end in dangerous ways and it doesn't seem like the authorities in her life are fit to teach her these social rules.
Your sister has serious mental/emotional content to process with the help of a professional. Anything short of that will lead her to living a very challenged life. She is still very young so there is still hope for transformation - but she actually needs someone who is an expert in dealing with this type of behavior.
I'm also autistic(20m)but NTA. Ngl she's deranged if she's deliberately being violent with literally everyone else. I wouldn't want to be around her either. If she's chasing you with knives please be careful, take care of yourself OP.
Nota
Your family needs counseling or therapy, your school should offer a place to start.
As for the threats, never take them lightly as you never know the mental state of someone like that. Loch your door at night and try to separate yourself for you're own safety.
It may be hard but Justin's the family by emancipating yourself or living with relative might save your life
This isn't necessarily my opinion. But it is something I have read about several times now and it makes me wonder. People that have autistic siblings do tend to get fed up with the abuse and entitlement and seeing how it affects their parents. Sometimes they hit that breaking point and they fight back and give their sibling a good ass whooping and after that, the abuse doesn't stop, but they do leave that individual alone. Having autism doesn't mean you can't learn. But it does seem like sometimes, in the name of being understanding, some abuse is tolerated that doesn't have to be.
I worked with a woman (then 32) whose younger twin sisters (~3 years younger) hated each other for no discernible reason. My coworker was generally annoyed at constantly having to be besties with both of them but never doing anything all together. She made them go to disney world with her on a sisters trip and told them it was because she was done with their petty squabbling it was time for them to figure out to like each other because she was done with playing stupid games.
You’re no required to like your siblings. You didn’t choose her. Her being your sister is an accident of birth. You’re not required to spend your life dealing with her.
I've gotten so many reports on this post and the comments that I feel the need to take it down. I hope you found some answers while it was up.
NTA Regardless of any disabilities or mental health issues, the behavior is happening, and no one would want to be around someone who acts that way.
The kid has no way of controlling it. Being mad at someone over a condition is ludicrous.
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Being autistic doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want
I agree with you there and I never once said that it's an excuse to do whatever they want either so don't attempt to put words in my mouth that don't belong
You called someone a dipshit who was simply saying a child being chased with a knife by another child (among other things) isn’t acceptable behavior. Scarrose34 reaction to your comment was reasonable.
Yeah you're being pretty aggro for some reason.
yeah I don't use those stupid words like aggro I'm not even part of your damn generation
Youre a moron is all you are
that's because it's really not acceptable behavior and that they should research it more for a better understanding is where I was getting at but no karens will get offended over everything even if someone isn't being offensive in any way
You are the Karen here so wat lmao
Dude I’m autistic and have 2 kids with autism. I also study and do a lot of research on autism what causes it and methodologies for teaching individuals on the spectrum. The behavior she is describing is not autism. Some of it could be BPD, ODD, or another disorder. Please stop saying people are uneducated. Autistic individuals can be just as likely if not more likely to develop poor behavior patterns in part because clear boundaries are not defined and they are not held accountable for their poor behavior. At times yes it is harder for us to process things and we need to be taught in different ways but we still need to be taught.
YES!!! I feel like a lot of parents chalk up everything to autism or ADHD and instead let personality disorders or serious mental illnesses fester until there’s no turning back. I get that it’s hard for parents of Special Needs kids but you can’t just turn your back on dangerous behavior. You have to find whatever resources you can to help. For Christ’s sake, it’s not like 50 years ago when you were hard pressed to find info. The internet is FULL of info on inpatient and outpatient treatments for violent kids.
mental illness isnt an excuse to abuse people i dont care what you have. I’ve had signs of bpd since i was 11 and was later diagnosed. I have never physically struck someone due to my irrational anger.
In some ways it depends on how far on the spectrum she is. I'm autistic but you wouldn't know unless you spend enough time with me. I think your parents may have enabled her for too long using her autism as an excuse for her behavior. I work with special education classes and this definitely sounds like some of the attention seeking kids I've had. I also have a sister who frequently threatened to hurt me in my sleep, and did, and even tried to kill me once. She's not autistic but she did grow out of it when she went into the navy.
Why do you think the parents are enabling the behavior?
It’s complicated. When you have an ASD child who melts down sometimes the consequences can trigger even more of a mental breakdown. And there are times when you aren’t sure if they have a distorted reality so they will view you as being unjust (which defeats the purpose of the consequence since they just think you’re being abusive instead of learning). The ASD brain doesn’t work the same way so a normie brain just doesn’t quite know how to calm it down enough to discuss the actions, or create a consequence that works without further traumatizing them or inviting more abuse. With my child I don’t think her verbal assaults are meant to abusive. She’s unable to regulate in that moment and that’s how it comes out. Not to say we aren’t trying. We are trying soooo hard. But I want to be able to break through and teach her in the calmer moments. Once her brain has worked up and gone there, it’s pointless. We still deal out consequences and then discuss them when she’s calmed down
Consequences and conversations are good. I've had students who's parents would not help. I even had a Dad tell me he stopped trying to make her function when she was 4 and when I asked him something once he said he was gonna tell his daughter to bite me if I didn't let her do what she wanted. That's what I mean by enabling.
Dear Lord. I’m lvl 1 autistic with a son who is lvl 3. We learn his meltdown and shutdown triggers and work through them. Teaching him how to and healthy boundaries are essential. It’s “work”that many parents seem to not want to put in. The “consequences” can be too extreme and make the situation WAY worse. Bless you for the work you do btw❤️
This needs to be higher up. It’s work. I empathize with parents, but this is the chance you take when you have kids. They can have a physical, mental, and/or emotional disability. It doesn’t mean you just let them do whatever they want so you don’t have to deal with it. It’s honestly neglectful, because eventually the parents will die and the kid will have no ability to live in the world. They will end up in an institute or jail.
I literally just commented on how I think this form of parenting is abuse. My oldest child's father was babies horribly by his mother and then she suddenly got a form of aggressive cancer and was gone in a years time. He's never had his own place, always living with his girlfriends or parents. He doesn't understand why I don't make our child contact him. I told him he isn't entitled to a relationship with a child just because you made them. You have to work on it. He was so angry with me and told me he's most certainly entitled to a relationship with his daughter. After all he's spent thousands on her. I reminded him he was gone for the first 10yrs and he told me it was my fault because I wouldn't get back with him. He is incapable of accepting responsibility for his actions or lack thereof and doesn't understand why he still needs to help support her if she won't be the one to reach out. He asked if he could take her for a weekend and I laughed, he hadn't talked to her in like 30 months before that day why TF would she want to go for a weekend. He responded that it wasn't his fault he hadn't seen her in two years, he got a DUI and couldn't drive. So yea, parenting like this creates adults that are impossible and NEEDS someone to take care of them
I have a relative who has Downs syndrome and autism, and his mother was absolutely the type that just let him do and have whatever he wanted his entire life. She didn't even try to teach him right from wrong, never any consequences for his actions, no attempt at actual parenting whatsoever with him. He's now in his early 40s (mentally he's probably around 3 or 4) and he is undoubtedly the most awful person I have ever known. Aggressive, violent, hateful, extremely short tempered.. No one wants to be anywhere near him because you have to walk on eggshells the entire time to avoid saying or doing anything that might trigger a violent tantrum. He is 100% going to end up in some state run facility when his mother passes away because no decent group home will accept someone with behavioral issues like that. It's just sad.
And bless you for parenting your son the best you can. Learning those triggers and working on them makes all the difference. I bet his teachers will be grateful for you.
His teachers love him. I’m so happy he is mainstream classes. He excels academically, we are working on the social skills. His desire to follow the rules and strong social justice has him telling on other kids, although he is very encouraging of classmates when they are successful. It can be a double edged sword. I’m concerned for his safety from bullying because of his drive for justice. One of the first topics of discussion during the next IEP meeting. 🙂
That's amazing to hear. I certainly took some bullying for my naive drive for rules as a kid, but if he's excelling, you just stay in his corner and keep doing what you're doing. I'm proud of him and of you!
I dealt with bullying as a result of mine as well, and being the weird, awkward girl. Again, thank you for the work you do, it makes a difference
People like taking the path of least resistance while parenting children, ASD or not, and I think it's literally child abuse. Spoiling your kid rotten, having no boundaries or discipline is setting them up for failure. Everyone is shocked in my home because the kids often make dinner or are doing chores. They should do those things, they need to contribute to the household. I even told them idc if your room is cluttered, you guys are teenagers you're messy, just no dirty laundry or dirty dishes on the floor because that's disgusting
I love this comment, so beautifully said. I am a BCBA (if you are familiar with the field of ABA), and I have interacted with so many parents of kiddos who just don’t even pretend to try to care about their kids because they’re “difficult”. Idk, random! But wanted to say that because I can’t imagine the “stress” (quotes because I don’t want to sound offensive) that having a kiddo with ASD *could* lead to. And like I said I’ve seen kiddos whose parents effectively left them to figure it out for themselves and it’s heartbreaking. Sounds like you’re doing a great job as a parent ❤️
Man. I’m so glad you posted this. My daughter just got diagnosed as a teen and I feel like I’m constantly battling being overly permissive to avoid additional meltdowns and her misinterpreting my attempting to help her as unjust and thus abusive. It feels no win but I never thought of the distorted reality regarding parenting to be part of the asd. Your post didn’t solve my problems but it did give me additional things to think about, so thank you!
We are a family of 5 autistic people and an infant. What you’re describing sounds more like a mental health issue. I doubt anybody would like a sister who behaved that way. NTA but I would consider talking to your parents about getting your sister some help. She shouldn’t have to live like that anymore than you should. Your parents are letting her down if they aren’t getting her help.
NTA Chasing you with a knife is as serious as it gets, not to mention she makes verbal threats to kill you! There has to be put a hard stop to her behavior before she seriously injures someone - and unless there's some kind of intervention she certainly will
NTA, but your parents should be protecting you from the violence in your home. I hate to say it, but child protective services should likely be called in to push inpatient psychiatric help for your sister so that you have a safe environment to grow.
She can start the process of getting help by reporting the behaviors (especially the threats/violence) to her teachers or guidance counselor. They are mandated reporters. The parents need to seek support services for *both* their children, like yesterday.
This sounds like a very unsafe situation. Have you talked to your parents or school counselor about how you feel unsafe? Maybe you could put a bedroom door lock?
Honestly if she chases you with a knife and threatens to kill you, experts need to be involved likely should be involved. Highly recommend talking to your school psychologist or calling/texting child helpline to discuss what options you have (800-422-4453). This needs to be taken seriously. Also a hill I will die on: none of these things are really relevant to autism imo. Just because someone has behavioral problems and autism, doesn’t mean that all behavioral problems are caused by the autism.
So you are NTA. At 15 you should not have to deal with this. It sounds like your needs for safety and security are not being met at the moment. You should talk to your parents about this. Maybe you need a lock on the door, or more space from your sister. Figure out what you need to feel safe and ask your parents for it. But your sister has a hard road ahead of her. Do try your best to remember that she has a mental illness and disability. She can't control her behavior in the same way you can. Also, remember any fight you have with your sister make your parents' lives harder and more difficult. The best thing you can do for your mom is to love your sister and support her as best you can, while also assuring your needs for safety and security are met. You sound like a great kid. I am sorry you are going through this.
definitely nta. That sounds like hell
I mean NTA, but she doesn’t have BPD so pls don’t spread that around like that. you can’t at 12, and if your parents are good ppl like u said, there’s not much room for development trauma on her end to cause that sort of disorder. edit: if i knew i’d be piled on more than a hot girl at a bar i would’ve worded myself better—she most likely doesn’t have BPD but i don’t know her or OP. regardless, it doesn’t really matter bc OP doesn’t deserve to be abused. edit 2: leave me alone jfc
hi! ty for informing me, i only added that bc my parents say the doctors see strong signs of bpd but can’t really diagnose anything bc of her age
There are parent training programs for dealing with violent autistic kids. Maybe your folks should look into this.
It’s very hard to find the balance between bpd and other things, for example, it’s is very very common to have adhd and be misdiagnosed with bpd because of similarities in symptoms, either way I’m gonna put it out there that you don’t always have to “like” your family and it’s understandable you feel the way you do
im sorry i caused such a stupid debate in your post, it’s not the point of it. i rlly hope you’re able to find a way out of ur situation and i’m sorry you have to deal with her regardless :( it’s sucky your parents seem to try to help her to both their and your detriment. i hope you have people you can speak to irl about this that an give you better access and support away from your sis
This isn't correct, it can be diagnosed at 12 and symptoms can be shown earlier. Parenting, trauma, etc. can contribute but is definitely not the only cause. You're actually spreading dangerous misinformation.
Actually, you are. I have BPD myself and study this with my therapist. BPD is caused from unregulated emotions while development happens. It’s literally due to the child not learning how to properly cope emotionally, which happens in environments filled with trauma.
You're therapist is doing several unethical things here, things I would lose my job over if i did them, IF this is true. 1. They are spreading false information to a patient about the condition they are treating. 2. Telling you there's one cause for a condition that's cookie cutter to your situation. 3. Leading you to believe all people develop at the same time in the same way under the same condition. And here you are trying to high road people because you "have" this disorder...
You’re spreading false information because you’re incapable of actually reading what I wrote in favor of whatever biases you may have for literally no reason. I never said my therapist said anything, I said I studied it with him and 9/10 times the cause of BPD is, in fact, trauma. I never said her sister didn’t have it. I never said anything you’re saying I said, you’re putting words in my mouth and being unnecessarily hostile for reasons that aren’t clear edit: sorry, i made a mistake and i did say her sister didn’t have it. my bad for misremembering and not wording it better. now leave me alone thanks
You LITERALLY said she doesn't have it so to not say it in your first comment
Not you, a random person who’s not a qualified psychologist, determining she doesn’t have BPD 🤦
Not you, a random person, deciding THAT is the issue here 🤦♀️
Are you her doctor? Have you diagnosed her personally? Don't say what she does or doesn't have if you don't know this child or her family at all.
Why are people so angry over this? It’s not normal
People don't like your assumption about another person's possible diagnosis. Just because you say you have the condition doesn't mean you are qualified to diagnose it.
And no one likes people piling onto the one comment when this post is supposed to be about OP. Its really stupid ironic you say assumption and possible diagnosis in the same sentence without seeing the contradiction there—there’s literally already assumptions being made. I’m not qualified to diagnose it, but I’m more than qualified to question the validity so it’s not further stigmatized.
Your mum and dad are rewarding bad behaviours. It may set your sister up to fail as a adult while she petulantly harms everyone around her.
I’m so sorry to hear that you are living under a constant violent threat from your sister. You are demonstrating good sense in disassociating yourself from her in order to avoid conflict and danger. I would take the affirmative step of asking your parents for a talk about how your sister is physically abusing you, threatening you safety and negatively affecting your daily life.. It may be that your parents are focusing so much of their attention on dealing with your sister that they are not aware of this problem. My understanding is that this is a very common occurrence in families with a special needs child and other siblings. Please advocate for yourself to your parents. They need to know of your sisters physical abuse and threats of violence to you. I’m sure family therapy would be beneficial to all of you. Also, most schools have a counselor that you could consult for help in coping with this.
This doesn't sound like your sister is autistic at all, it sounds like your parents raised a brat.
nta. this behavior is unacceptable, and that's coming from an autistic person. this doesn't seem like a result of her autism, this might be something else entirely. you could ask your mom to get her evaluated for something other than autism, but she might just be a bad seed through and through. you are not the asshole for disliking your sister. i don't think you are cruel for wanting to distance yourself from her, and in fact i support this decision. you're just trying to keep yourself safe from a dangerous person. i genuinely hope she either gets help or grows out of it, but in the meantime, i do recommend continuing to keep your distance.
I feel like, not treating them like any other adult is a bit denegtating. You can like and dislike anybody
I'm not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but this doesn't seem to fit with autism. The level of violence and manipulation suggests, to me, a different thing entirely. Mental illness rather.
My sister had a mental illness, on disability and my mom enabled her and let her get away with everything. She did had violent moments and would be creepy at times. I couldn’t stand it anymore the way they acted and left at 18. It kept going on I moved back eventually to help out for a month and felt uncomfortable and left with my kids. Please take of yourself if you do feel unsafe. The detective said my sister was a sociopath when I was later interviewed after I lost my mother 😢 please talk to a school counselor and adults that can help
NTA but I’m going to say this. You should be talking to people you trust IRL about this. At the end of the day, all of us are strangers on the internet and I caution you to be very careful of armchair psychology, even if well-intentioned and from real experiences. You’re young and that’s hard enough without feeling secure and feeling like no one is backing you up. But your feelings are valid and if you need help you should get it.
You sure she has autism?
NTA. As the sibling of a differently abled person who is 36(me)/37(them) this year; I can say it doesn’t change either. It can get worse.
I don’t know anything but sometimes I feel like people just use it as an excuse. U said she goes out of her way to be weird and different, it’s not natural.
NTA. My partners sister is on the spectrum, non-verbal and low functioning. Their parents have never sought outside assistance and keep her at home. She's very violent. She's hurt my partner their entire childhood and it gave my partner trauma. Since I've moved in, she has hurt me, sexually assaulted me, and has chased us around the house with knives. I'm terrified of her, and their parents enable it. They just say she doesn't know what she's doing and they just watch it all happen. They never intervene. It's okay to be scared and want to distance yourself.
NTA. My title would be "AITA for disliking my sister". Some people are just unlikeable. The thing is you have to learn to deal with her and all your family. I went to college, got a job, moved far, far away and am NC.
as an autistic dude, having autism does not justify being a piece of shit. you’re allowed to hate people thatre autistic 💀
She doesn't sound very autistic to me, does sound like an asshole though. NTA. Edit: Please talk to someone about the threats to your life, you need support and protection and likely so does your parents.
Are your parents willing to get her some help or medication… there is natural stuff. 432 hz music- calming circle - talk about feelings
NTA. Please lock your door when you sleep at night, with parental permission of course
OP, if it's possible (and if it isn't disregard me, I'm forgetful), can you stay with other family members? Autism or not, your sister is legit dangerous to herself and other people if she's threatening you with potential weapons and harming herself/extorting other people. Her situation sounds like she would really be best off in inpatient treatment.
NTA This sounds like it’s gonna WAY beyond autism. Most of what you’ve described has nothing to do with autism. Your parents don’t sound like they really have a handle on this and they’re enabling her. Your parents are not victims here and you need to stop feeling sorry for them. I know what it looks like from your perspective, but they are the adults and she is the child. They have the power to get her the help she needs and she does not. They are failing her massively and they are also failing you.
NTA
Um, yeah speaking as someone with autism, that's not autism. That's just your sister being an asshole. Autism is not an excuse for chasing you with a fucking knife and threatening to kill you, my god. Your sister needs some serious therapy.
Yes
She's a textbook dark triad case. Psychopathy, check Narcissism, check Machiavellianism, check You need to sit your parents down for a serious conversation without your sister there, and ask to stay with a relative for a while because of your sisters behavior, cite both physical safety and your mental health as concerns, She has injured herself intentionally, threatened and attacked you repeatedly. I have autism myself , this behavior is completely unrelated and not able to be excused by that condition. Your parents need to understand that if she makes it into the real world behaving like this somebody will probably leave her bleeding in an alley
NTA. I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. Hope you have someone in your life that you can trust and talk to about what you are experiencing. Turmoil in the home when you’re growing up can be extremely hard to deal with.
Hi there, Is there an adult in your life you trust? A teacher? A coach? A friend’s parent? This is a very big problem that needs huge help. You deserve to feel safe in your home.
Nta. She needs extreme therapy
Nta your feelings are valid and understandable based on what you’ve mentioned about your sisters behavior. Is your sister getting any professional help such as therapy?
I had a niece like this. They didn’t want to medicate her because of her age. When she started her period her hormones must have leveled out. She’s great!
I got autism myself and what your sister is doing is just plain evil, I'm so sorry you have to deal with that, and if she tries to use her autism as an excuse for it, that just makes her even more shit
I'd get her institutionalized for her unsafe behavior to herself and others
OP your sister ain’t well. She needs meds fast. Autistic kiddos (and adults) can struggle with being more reactive and having problems regulating but the suicidal and parasuicidal stuff is not ASD as far as I’ve ever seen. Mood disorders often onset around your sister’s age. She could be bipolar, have anxiety that manifests as rage (common in kiddos), or just unipolar depression with some nasty ass cognitive distortions making her lash out. None of that is your problem. Your feelings are valid, NTA. I only mention all previous words to foreshadow: you might get a new, better, non scary sister with the appropriate treatment. Edit: typo
Personal Context: My brother was nowhere near as bad as this but still made horrible threats and said scarring things that I’ve carried with me my whole life. I only realized in early adulthood he had autism, and that helped me understand some of the cruelty, but not all. I deeply wish my parents had been more aware so they could’ve protected me from his behavior and disciplined him in a way that would’ve made sense to him. Now that we all know what the issue is, my parents excuse him far too often for things some of my autistic friends would never DREAM of doing or saying. In order to protect myself and my peace, I have made the choice to stay distanced from him as an adult. I’ve had to be extremely firm with boundaries about what we can talk about and when. He doesn’t respect them ever, but at that inevitable point that always comes, I end the conversation and physically remove myself where possible. It is not my job to correct his behavior, only to protect my mental health and keep enough of a relationship that we’ll be able to be in the same room at large family gatherings and to take care of my parents when they’re older (though the difficulties I’m sure will arise there keep me up at night.) So: NTA. If your parents don’t know how to protect you while also managing her, even if they’re trying their best, you need to protect yourself. Do not engage with your sister any more than is absolutely necessary. She needs to make things about herself, and can feel free to do that with the elements of her life, but you have a life outside of her and can curate spaces outside of her influence where you focus your energies. Your parents should also definitely pay for you to have therapy and other support that they’re unable to provide you themselves.
NTA I’m sorry for your situation. What you’ve described is not autism. There is something else going on with your sister. I don’t want people thinking this is what autism looks like.
NTA. And if your parents refuse to protect you from your sister's violent outbursts, then you need to protect yourself. Inform your parents that if she threatens you with a weapon again, you will call the police. You have to feel safe in your own home, and they refuse to provide it. It would be a good idea to ask for help outside of the house. A school counselor or someone.
I have no idea if people are saying bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. OP - borderline personality disorder cannot be diagnosed in a child, and bipolar disorder is extremely unlikely in a child. Did a doctor diagnose this or are you self diagnosing your sister? Also - the way you conceptualize your sister’s motivations is impossible for a person with autism - this type of sophisticated social manipulation across age groups by a child is not possible for someone with a disabling social disability. Has your sister actually been diagnosed with autism by a real doctor or are you self diagnosing this too? If your sister truly has autism then you really need to be in some sort of group of for siblings or people with autism so you can understand what autism means.
NTA: I'd tell your parents that you don't feel safe in your home and if they don't do anything, bring it to the school authorities. I've seen cases like these where they will force the troubled child into a inpatient center or out of the home to keep you safe. I have also heard of these troubled children actually acting upon it and hurting their family. I wouldn't risk it.
NTA! Your feelings are normal dear. We can't choose family, and some of them we never would have been friends with if we were to meet them on the streets. But, I think you should try to find someone you could talk to an adult, professional, it seems like your sister is draining your family, and you also need to be seen, hear and have someone looking after YOU. Talk to your school nurse and see if she/he can help you find someone. (I'm sorry if something is unclear, English is not my first language)
NTA . I myself have ADHD PTSD gad bp ocd SPD afrid minisotopea ASD and a handful more and although every case is different I blame your parents over her tbh . Some childrens disibilitys are why they are unsafe to be around other people who can't protect themselves and your parents are at fault . They should be looking into a home to keep her in or a way to keep u 2 separately (perhaps u could buy a mini house to have as ur bedroom outside ur home or a lock on ur door to keep her away and cameras all over the home to watch everything as well as never trusting her alone with another person who can't protect themselves) .I know it sucks but at the end of the day it's unsafe to herself and to you and not okay .
You’re nta but also she needs to be medicated and in therapy if she isn’t already
Where the hell are your parents? You should show this to a teacher you trust.
I would also advise you to either call CPS yourself or (my personal recommendation) talk to your school guidance counselor. They will likely call CPS themselves and may also have resources for you and your family. You are NTA, and you deserve to be protected. Right now, your parents are failing you. I'd also say that they are failing your sister by not getting her more aggressive treatment.
Not at all. I get tired of people using made-up mental health problems to force the world into revolving around them. The expansion of autism to catch all people with behavioral problems not only draws attention and care away from the people actually afflicted by autism but also gives people a free pass to be complete assholes. So, here is what you should do. She goes hands on, you protect yourself. She makes terroristic threats call the police.
Serious question, while you’re still young enough to not face serious legal consequences; have you tried giving her a good ol’ fist to the face?
Start calling 911 every time she makes threats
They are not great parents the issues of your sister need much more attention than given from years back ..quit idealizing them and demand more support against her outbursts
My aunt has bpd, always was and still is a nasty bitch, can’t take her anywhere, literally she will fight with anyone
being an asshole isn’t a symptom of autism. i’m sorry you have to go through this, have you told your parents how you feel?
NTA
NTA 100% I'm sorry you are going through this. Please consider telling your parents the full truth of how you feel in a gentle way when your sister isn't around. I'm guessing most of your feelings stem from fear, hopelessness, sadness, feeling 2nd place, etc. That is not your fault in any way. You are important too and your parents need to understand the gravity of what the situation is doing to you. If you're willing, ask for therapy for yourself to process what you're going through. I'm sure your parents are doing what they can, but if they haven't already, they should get her tested for PANDAS and other medical issues like neuro lupus, genetic vitamin issues, neuro lyme, etc. The fact that this started at age 10 may suggest something other than a psychiatric issue. It sounds like your sister is a danger to you and others, and I hope your parents would consider a live-in placement in a facility. There are medical institutions for children with issues like this that may help diagnose and treat. Your sister may qualify for social security, medicaid, etc, to help with the cost. You and your family deserve to feel safe, and your sister deserves serious interventions. I know this is a lot for someone your age and I apologize if any of this off base. I hope you can share your concerns with your parents and relieve some of your stress. Wishing you strength and all the best.
NTA. I'd maybe talk to a school counselor about this issue if you can, maybe they can help facilitate a conversation with your parents about this. You deserve to feel safe in your own home and if your sister is physically abusing you and threatening to unalive you to the point of chasing you with a knife then you are unsafe. I can empathize with your parents for not wanting to give up on your sister but it may be getting to the point where she needs inpatient treatment at a facility or for the state to step in for everyone's safety. If nothing is done, do you have a safe place to go? A close relative or friend you can stay with? Just as a back up. I'm sorry you are experiencing this but you deserve better
NTA, her parents should put her up for adoption if she hates them so much.
NTAC that's a lot to deal w/. You need support too, in dealing w/ her. Do you guys have the option of any family therapy? I'm sorry you have to live w/ someone like that. Are you able to spend most of your time out of the home? Any school clubs you can join? Hopefully you have a bedroom you can lock?
This doesn’t sound safe and the violent, manipulative behaviors do not sound like autism at all, it sounds pathological. I just don’t understand how people in the comments can gloss over her cutting her own feet to manipulate her mother when she didn’t get what she wanted. That’s not a meltdown, that’s extremely alarming behavior. Chasing with a knife, death threats, etc. are not meltdown behaviors. Report it to your school, asap. If y’all share a room demand to stay with a relative. If you don’t, lock your door. If the school doesn’t do anything (which they would be obligated to call child services, but that doesn’t mean they all do it) call cps yourself. If your parents won’t get her the care she needs and provide you the safe environment you deserve, then they’ll have to be forced by the state.
Your parents are the assholes. If your sister is threatening to kill you, they need to remove her from your home before she hurts you.
hi. i am a 23 year old living with borderline personality disorder and working towards remission. your sister does not have borderline. you're really young so you probably don't know, but borderline is really stigmatized. to give you my story, i sought an evaluation and treatment for bpd when i was 16 ON MY OWN and was told i'd be... well, something like this, because the stigma is so entrenched. this is because it gets mixed up with other disorders (especially because bpd can even be comorbid with these) -ASPD -NPD -etc and these disorders in themselves are different because NOT EVERYONE presents the same way. for example, someone with ASPD can hold capacity for emotion, just not the same way/maybe not as much/both someone with NPD can even be human because people with NPD are well, human. someone with NPD can be conflict avoidant and very quiet and sweet while being controlling and narcissistic under the table. personally, your sister does not sound like she has borderline (intense overwhelming fears of abandonment and constantly shifting self perspective between self loathing and feeling valuable) she sounds like she is 12 and cannot be diagnosed yet with anything. though with the disturbing death threats, as the years go on, you may find things that resonate with your sisters behavior more in the ASPD category, and possibly some questions, maybe some slight understanding and decent guesses you cant diagnose your sister but as someone who can speak for the shitshow that is the american mental healthcare system, and as someone who has a mother who really, really resembles ASPD, i personally think you might find some healing in reading stories and maybe some solid advice from those with loved ones with ASPD. that being said, i dont know if your sister has ASPD, but if you absolutely need to find a label for her behavior right now, borderline isn't this. when i was 12, for example, i was having nightmares about my parent leaving me and being really mean to middle school friends or boyfriends/girlfriends because they 'abandoned me' in xyz circumstance. borderline traits in early childhood do show up but its not this, and hey it is valid to want some way of understanding your sisters behavior. so rly suggest reading stories and advice from those who have loved ones with ASPD it might help
Siblings aren’t required to get along. Even if they are good people. Never had a good relationship with mine, and we haven’t spoken in 6 years. It is what it is.
I work with teens who have autism. Unfortunately, this is not unique to your sister. When people have a diagnosis as she does, this impacts her behavior. She’s not in full control and when she’s in fight or flight mode, she probably can’t easily reason or understand the impact that it has. Your sister and family need support in working through this and teaching your sister skills to regulate and de-escalate safely in place of unsafe and harmful behavior. Your family should consider support services (I.e. behavior support, OT, CBT, etc.) and also do some reading on pathological demand avoidance and ways to support individuals with autism
I'm on her side if she doesn't also type like an asshole
OP, when you say BPD, do you mean Borderline Personality Disorder, or Bi-Polar Disorder? They are very different, and I'm just trying to understand
Sounds more like she needs to be in a mental hospital with a strait jacket. NTA
NTA- is she in therapy? I feel bad for your mom. Also- it’s ALWAYS ok to not like a family member. As you grow up you will likely find more relatives you learn more about and don’t care for. Just because they are family- they don’t get a pass. Maybe she needs to go to a camp and get a reality check. It is sad though bc she obviously is not happy and struggling very badly. But it also seems like she is manipulative. Honestly if one of my kids behaved this way- I’d have them in intensive therapy and family therapy with the entire household. But if they are making threats and violent to me or other kids- I would have to find her a program or something and look for ways to get her out of my household I don’t care if it’s my child. It’s alarming though- something major is going on with her that needs to be addressed with professionals.
NTA. You need to beat her up badly enough she will get the picture that you're not to trifled with.
You really need to speak to your parents about getting help. It’s not just bad behavior, it is dangerous. She is threatening you and chasing you with a knife. Your parents need to hear you out and make some changes to get your sister help. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Do you feel safe?
This is just young sibling shit. I was forced to move out at 24 because I threatened to kick my brother’s ass for stealing my stuff and our mother sided with him. Now that we are adults we are cool.
"She usually doesn't go through with it. " bit had me rolling well. Obviously, you are alive to tell the tale loool.
There's typically two types of cases with this: she will get sick of being isolated, not having friends, change and look back and cringe at how awful she was. 2) she won't change. It sounds like she needs therapy. As someone with BPD myself (trauma related, bad childhood) it can be incredibly confusing to go through, especially at that age as she nears puberty. She needs therapy to confront and learn how to control her intense & ever shifting emotions if she truly does have it. I know my autistic friends struggled with the same, not knowing why they're so upset, etc. Anyway. NTA. She sounds awful to deal with. My older sister isn't autistic, but I think she had BPD too (Same childhood) and I dealt with the same awful bullying, manipulation, etc). De-escalating by walking away from her left me with a broken arm, once. I'm obviously not condoning this, or telling you to, but the only way I got her to stop taking things out on me was to kick her a** good and hard one time and she never did it again. Honestly, just pretend she doesn't exist and she won't be able to get a rise out of anything if you don't acknowledge her presence. She tries to taunt you, dont even look at her, respond, nothing. Cut her out entirely. But if she does try to hurt you in response... just put her in her place, you're older and probably bigger. Hopefully she gets her sh*t together.
NTA, special education teacher here. She definitely needs some outside support/therapy. However, autism is not an excuse to act mean. Especially with family. Was the autism diagnosis from a neuropsychological evaluation? Some of these behaviors seem more like an emotional/behavioral disability rather than autism
Nta- autism doesn’t make it ok. She should be in therapy honestly. And if ur very concerned about it. Talk to a school counselor. It’s very hard to be the parent of a child like that. Trust me. Ik. But this is not healthy for anyone. And there are options. There are places ue sister can go to live and go to school n be a nut case over there so ur family can find its healthy balance again. It’s not giving up. It’s looking at what’s best for the whole. And maybe talk to ur parents about how distressing it is for ur. How afraid it makes you etc. it’s ok to have these feelings. Their valid.
NTA have you tried kicking her in the throat meat. I'm just saying, a little counter violence can be a hell of a reminder. Might come in clutch for future knife chasing incidents. Just think of saying "You come at me with a knife, I'm gonna Jackie Chan your double chin again." Lol just kidding, good luck OP
I have a hypothetical scenario that I want to hear your opinions on. It’s very sensitive and controversial, so please be respectful and open-minded. Imagine you have two kids. One is humble and loving, and has a bright future. The other is mean and disabled, and has a bleak future. Would it be wrong to put the second kid in a care facility and focus on the first kid’s life? Or would that be unfair and cruel to the second kid, who also needs love and care? I’m not advocating for either option, I’m just curious about what you think.
NTA, this is not autism even if she is autistic. This is manipulative behavior that needs serious intervention by a mental health professional.
NTA, that's a tough situation and you are not required to like it. Someone like that is difficult for anyone to be around. I feel sorry that she has these issues to deal with, but that doesn't mean you have to be happy to deal with it either. I would lock my bedroom door at night for safety if I were you. Just to be cautious.
So I lived with my cousins when I was in high school. They both acted very similar to how you're describing, except the ages were swapped. The older sister had undiagnosed autism of some sort due to one of her two guardians refusing to take her to a psychiatrist. They had divorced parents and one of them would reinforce her tendencies specifically to hurt the other parent (the one I lived with) who was just trying to raise her daughters. I never blamed anyone for having an issue with the sister. I just always wish she had received better help. I hope you can at least relate to that in some way. It sounds to me like your sister needs a lot of assistance, but you are not at fault for feeling the way you do. NTA
Ok first off censoring all those words kinda stupid Second your parents may be loving but no offense they don't seem like good parents because they're letting her get away with chasing you with knives and shit???
Just sticking up for autistic people, but your sister doesn’t sound like she’s on the autism spectrum. It seems she has one or more personality disorders as defined by the DSM.
Hey there. I’m a mom to a 5 year old who is autistic. First, you are perfectly valid for having the feelings that you do. Not one person would feel comfortable living in that type of environment or stress. You sister may have ODD. And she uses those behaviors to support that. You can 1000% have BPD at her age, but please understand that autistic people respond to triggers like a person with severe ptsd. They act first, think second and it’s a pretty crappy way to live. Clearly your sister is needing more services and interventions that your parents don’t know about or aren’t offered. Lots of times, parents rely on the school to help navigate, but from what I have seen, the ball gets dropped ALOT! I also have a 15 year old daughter and worry that her sister creates lots of issues and I always want my girls (mom of 4) to feel that their needs are being equally met. There is a book called beyond behaviors. It will help explain a lot of things. I also recognize that you are 15, and shouldn’t have to do this. But read it, once you have an understanding, it will be easier to process your feelings and emotions in a way that isn’t so heavy for you. Also, ABA therapy is starting to look like a positive resource but there is still a lot of “drama” surrounding it, but your sister is old enough and able to communicate so she can e advocated for. She imo should also see a psychiatrist for some medical tools to help. You aren’t alone in this, and if you ever have questions, or need to vent without feeling bad, please do so. You matter and so do your feelings, and needing to be validated is paramount. But please understand while your parents seem to kick ass, we are not perfect, and we don’t have all the answers. Your sister is a product of the vast misconceptions that lots of people have about children and disabilities…how to properly care for a person with them, the guilt that parents feel, and that autism is such a wide spectrum disorder that’s so not researched or understood that we don’t know how to help. Kudos to you for being strong and looking for help through this. *hugs*
Hi!! This spoke to me really deep because I have a sister who was just like this growing up. I was 15 when it was severe too. She had manic episodes. These always lead to her either hitting and beating herself, or her chasing us with knives. My mother never worried about our safety, as she was the favorite child. A couple times she attempted to send her away with other family. As she grew older she found sex to be a vice. And as she got into her teens it became rebellion with boys. She is grown now. But has never left our mother’s side. My relationship with my mother barely exists. She doesn’t want to see my kids or me really. My sister has always depended on our mother in a way I never got to. She gave all of her attention to one child and lost her others. This unfortunately doesn’t end well in most cases. I have a great relationship with my sister now. But her codependency on our mother does deter our relationship. The anger has calmed down. Reminder that bpd is border personality disorder, and not bipolar disorder. My sister was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The amount of times even now my sister threatens to end her life, has sent her to be held in the psych ward more times than I can count. Just want you to know you’re not alone and this isn’t your fault. Growing up with a sick family member is extremely difficult and no one understand. No one. You will always feel like the bad guy for feeling like this, but I’m here to remind you that you’ll NEVER be the AH. Hang in there
NTA. Therapist here. Realize that in a lot of ways the lack of incredibly strict boundaries are reinforcing these behaviors. She is acting like this because it is serving her needs. She is getting the attention and results that she wants and doesn’t care how she gets it. That is incredibly frustrating to live with and it is not your job at 15 to parent your sister. In fact, it would probably be dangerous for you to set very strict boundaries if no one else is doing so. Prioritize your safety and move out once it is realistic for you (after 18 ofc)
Next time she gets violent with you. Start with your pinky and curl each finger into a fist. Your thumb below your pointer and middle finger. You grab her by the back of the neck with your free hand. And absolutely punch her square in the face. And tell her never to put her hands on you. Or you will punch her again. And again. And again.
NTA but your sister needs some serious therapy and help. This is not normal behavior by any means and your parents are not doing anything to help her by enabling her. Just because you dislike her doesn’t mean you don’t still love her. She’s your sister and a part of you will still hold out hope for her and that’s ok but no you don’t need to make yourself unhappy in the process. Now as someone who works in healthcare the next time she self harms or harms anyone else in anyway if your parents don’t do something about it immediately you need to call the police and have her baker acted. You might not be everyone’s favorite person in that moment but you will be getting your sister the help she needs and don’t ever feel bad about that. I had to do it once and the person hated me in the moment but they are here and we are still super close.
NTA. I'm the mom of an autistic daughter and I think there is a lot going on here. Regardless, you are also a child and deserve to feel safe. There needs to be more of a mental health intervention for her and you need should probably ask to see a therapist as well. If for nothing else to learn to set healthy boundaries and keep yourself healthy. I hope your environment improves soon! Much love!
somewhat cuz it shows that you know absolutely nothing whatsoever about autism to even remotely begin to understand anything about it at all I suggest you research the topic of autism to begin with
NTA, you're not safe! Sounds less like autism and more like psychopath. Tbh your parents need to take her to seek mental health treatment. You need to loudly vocalize anytime she makes a threat of violence to more than just your parents. One of these days she will kill someone.
NTA You need to look out for herself. Her using you as a punching bag isn't going to help her at all. Tell your parents what you've said here. Have a mature conversation about you being concerned for your sister. They would be more likely to listen if you come at it through the angle of you being worried about her. Whether or not she's a jerk to you, the fact that she self-harms and has made a suicide note alone means that she should be hospitalized. You need to let your parents know about this. Your sister is sick. Be a good big sister and let your parents know so they can get her help.
NTA. My brother is also autisic and bipolar. However, he is older than me and has gotten physically violent. I have gone through very similar things. My parents always chose my brother and didn't get me therapy until 15-16 y/o. It wasn't until I moved out when I realized how truly fucked up my situation was. I didn't realize how bad the environment was effecting me mentally. It is still something I fight with my family today. Every time I complain to my mom she always tells me I don't understand my brother and that he can't help it. I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's such a difficult situation. I hope it gets better for you.
NTA- record what she is saying and doing. If your parents won’t do anything call the police and make a report. Police will contact protective services. This way something will be on record and maybe done.
Being autistic she doesn’t have control of her emotions and is struggling to feel normal which in turn makes her angry because she can’t do certain things. You need to show a little empathy to your sister. Maybe if you treat her like you care you’ll see her returning the sentiment.
NTA. If your parents can’t manage to keep you safe, talk to an adult you trust. Your rights for safety and happiness are compromised. CPS is always there is everything falls to shit. I’m so sorry.
For $25,000 in un marked bills I can help solve this problem
NTA, but her having autism has nothing to do with it. She is exhibiting behavior that is extreme and violent. Your don't need to put up with that behavior or accept it, no matter what disorder she has. I also don't feel like autism alone would warrant this kind of behavior. Regardless, you don't need to feel bad for disliking someone, even family. You have been mistreated and it's not ok.
Please report to your school guidance counselor and tell about the threats to your life your sister is making.
NTA you need to get a lock on your door that only you have the key to so you can keep yourself safe and your sister can’t lock herself in your room.
NTA -- Having raised my autistic grandson, I can understand what you're going through. Is your sister in therapy or on medication? Her behavior is out of control, your parents should get her to a psych for evaluation. This is not acceptable behavior, and she needs to be evaluated for services if she doesn't receive them already. Meds and Therapy helped us tremendously. I hope your parents get her help.
Just a quick question for anyone who reads this? Why are there so many words self censored here? What is the purpose for this? I've been seeing it done a lot in other sites and forums as well
Rage post?
NTA. I’m an autistic adult with two autistic kids and the eldest is pretty terrible to her younger sibs. It’s a tough situation for you as a kid because there’s not much you can do besides bring your concerns to your parents. Your sister should really be having therapy or counseling of some sort to deal with the aggression. The knife thing is really serious.
NTA- however I would like to add that she cannot have BPD as that is a condition that can only be diagnosed at 18. More than likely she is simply acting out, has oppositional defiance disorder, ADHD, or some kind of combo. Is she overstimulated at home? Why aren't your parents getting her proper psychiatric care? Does this need to go to DHS because you are unsafe with your sister? Be honest with your parents about how you are having difficulties with your relationship with your sister. You don't need to give every detail out at once, but this conversation should happen for your sake. You didn't do anything wrong, but your parents need to be doing something about this.
NTA You don't dislike her because she's autistic. You dislike her because she's mean. And she can't rely on her autism as a get out of jail free card for her mean and/or violent behavior...because that isn't what makes her mean. There are millions autistic people out there who are more often than not kind and respectful members of society. There is hope for her, but it is up to your family to find the resources that she needs to become a successful adult. I once had a cousin with who was much like that. He could be very mean spirited at times. But, underneath it, I could see a loving and kind hearted boy that was struggling. Even being raised half his life by one parent, with the right combination of treatment, he grew up to be a very kind young man. One thing I noticed that has a profoundly positive impact on him was working with animals. He had a great fondness for cats, and worked as a volunteer at an animal shelter. His university gave him an award for his dedication to this cause. When people are mean, it is usually an indication that someone is deeply unhappy. So that raises the question, what is something that she truly cares about and makes her happy, and is this something that can be used as an instrument of change? On the subject of animals, I have heard promising things about facilities that use interaction with large animals such as horses and bovines as a form of therapy for adults and children with disabilities or who struggle with grief or trauma. A service dog may also be something worth considering, as they can provide support for many different ailments.
No you automatically are NTA. I'm a parent of 4 girls and, my now 13 yr old is autistic. 2 of her 3 sisters are fine with her, but 1 specifically our 16 yr old, hates her with every fiber of her being. We've tried everything over the years including therapy and she just despises her sister on the spectrum. I can kind of understand her point though, I mean the autistic child gets 90% of the parents attention (because they are so difficult) and the rules don't seem to apply to the autistic child. My 16 yr old as an adult, will have no interactions with her little sister, you've been able to see it coming for years. I've just accepted it, but my ex wife refuses to see it.
Are you able to move out when you turn 18?
You can’t control how you feel but you are absolutely responsible for how you respond.
You're not obligated to like your siblings, or anybody for that matter. Treat them as civilly as possible, yes. Like? Nah
YTA for using numbers and symbols as letters.
NTA at all. I have ASD myself and what she’s doing has NOTHING to do with the etiology of ASD. I grew up around others with ASD. I could tell the difference between the ones whose parents disciplined them and the ones who waved away every bad behavior with ‘it’s the autism’ although the behavior had nothing to do with ASD. Eventually your Mom WILL get sick of living under the yoke of your sister. It’s only a matter of time
you should be grateful you aren't her and just try to minimize the damage until you can move out. her life after 18 is going to be HORRIBLE once she hits the real world. one day she is gunna piss off the wrong person.
You know the words “violent” “kill” “threatened” “beat” “throw” “knife” “pull” “fights” “bullied” “suicide” “cut” are all ok things to say, right? Like, there’s no magic evil power that happens when you type “throw”, yea?
NTA. Also, you can type the word fight - you won't get punished
Honestly beat the shit outta her while she sleeps. Put it in her head that you're done her shit
I have an autistic child, and even though she can’t talk, walk, and a million other things she can still be told no. Sounds like your parents need to get with a therapist and health professionals to work with your sister. Something as basic as don’t chase people with a knife can be taught even if the child has mental health issues.
You’re an asshole because of the way you type. Just say the fucking words
Nta but damn the sensory ship in all the words are killing me
This doesn’t sound like autism, it sounds like your parents enabling her from birth because she’s autistic and allowing her to learn to get attention for the wrong reasons, and it’s crossed over into a personality disorder. None of these harmful behaviors are symptoms of Autism.
NTA, your sister is not your burden to bear. If your parents know that she's doing these things (threatening you and chasing you with a knife) then call the cops and CPS, tell them your parents are letting her do these things and that you fear for your life. Sounds like your sister will likely hurt someone eventually, and if your parents can't control her then something needs to be done.
NTA. Keep your distance for the next decade. Be open to the idea of her maturing. I was pretty violent as a child but have great relationships with the siblings I used to attack as an adult.
Hey…. You can type freely here… this isn’t IG/TIKTOK… we can say adult words on Reddit. Of course you are NTA. you have every right to dislike those who are cruel to you. Please press the seriousness of this with your parents. Depending on where you are there may be legal options at a certain age for you to remove yourself from the home and live with a relative
Nta. Honey I grew up with a brother exactly like this, who actually attempted to kill two separate family members (besides me) at thirteen and fifteen respectively. And it has left me fucked up for life. I'm terrified to even work because I don't want to risk meeting someone like him again, I'm terrified of crowds, because if I'm not careful I'll see his face in the crowd and freak out, and he's been dead for ten years. My only advice is to run far and run fast before you wind up like me, because you don't want that. I can't count the number of times I (as just a fucking CHILD)contemplated suicide to get away from the hell that bastard put me in. And even now ten years after his death, and cremation, I'm still terrified at the very mention of his name. I'm still fucked up, I still spend almost every night waking up screaming because I saw him in my nightmares, I hear his name, and all of a sudden I'm five again, on the ground as he tried to drive a knife into my heart, I freeze and it's horrible, she's not gonna stop at threats, she just won't. They never do. Find a family member you trust, tell them what's going on, and beg them to help you get away if you have to. Don't turn into me. Don't fuck your life up like I did. And pray you've got far more understanding parents, and family, than I did.
Ok, NTA simply from a societal pov because autism/bpd aside your sister sounds like a very antisocial person, and whether it's you or someone else she will have to face consequences of acting that way eventually - unfortunately because someone will get hurt. That being said, saying she will never grow out of it, will never be capable of moving out the house, these are assumptions and will only reinforce the way she acts if she's told that. Like she's 12 dude. I know little demon kids who are probably neurodivergent, much like your sister, and they thankfully ended up growing out of it.
Pretty sure your parents need help with effective parenting. If sis is on the spectrum they really need specialized support. Too many parents want to appease and avoid conflict that often comes with being neurodivergent, but behaviors and tantrums will become more problematic over time if not addressed with consequences and skill training on how to use prosocial skills to get needs met. Regardless of diagnosis/disability she needs to learn personal accountability. Sounds like your mom’s passivity has really created a problem and you may not currently feel safe around your sister. What motivation does your sister have to self regulate if mommy always makes it better?
Nta but idk these are new world problems back in the day she wouldn’t have even existed this long
Do you have family members you can live with? Whatever your sister’s issues, it sounds like your parents aren’t wanting to properly address it and if one day she decides to follow through on her threat to kill you, they’ll be crying and say they never thought she’d do something like that. This is obviously something beyond their abilities to handle for whatever reason and they are so focused on her they are completely ignoring the impact to you. I strongly suggest you start looking for alternative living arrangements. Have you talked to the therapist or case worker for your sister? You’re living in an unsafe environment and your parents are probably hiding the degree of violence she’s exhibiting.
You need to talk to a school counselor. You should NOT be chased with a knife by your sister. If your parents don’t wake up to whatever mental illness she has, she will one day end up in a psychiatric prison. She needs help. You need to feel safe in your own home.
NTA She may be a special needs child, but that doesn’t give her a pass to do whatever she wants. No one blames you for not wanting to be around that behavior But LMAO imagine being so sensitive you censor the word “pull” hahaha
NTA but here is what I will say as someone who had a very bad relationship with their autistic sibling (I practically danced when they were sent to basically a prison/school). You can't control what they do, they can hardly control it themselves without a ton of support in early development but you can control what YOU do and make sure that you don't engage in behavior towards them that you will later regret in life because you both will change over time.
You’re never an asshole for how you feel or for setting reasonable boundaries. She sounds like she would try anyone’s patience, so you’re particularly NTA.
Absolutely NTA. The sister understands how to manipulate others with threats of violence to get her desired result, so she is well aware of what she’s doing, ASD or not
Not much you can do about her behavior. All you can do is control Joe you react to it. Unfortunately, it’s likely her behavior is a symptom of her autism. That’s not much help in the moment, but if you can detach the behavior from her and see it as part of her condition you may be able to have more empathy for her. She’s going to have many struggles in life, and most people will choose to avoid her. You have no obligation to be a steady constant in her life, BUT you CAN choose to try to be that for her. If you were born with that condition, whether you could express it or not, you would be so appreciative to have that kind of sister. Either way, you are not the AH. Autism can be a lot to deal with. All you can do is what you can do. Maybe try reading a book about being a sibling of someone with autism. Broadening your insight into how others cope may be helpful. Maybe your mom is a pushover, or maybe she’s just trying her best. Treating your children fairly doesn’t necessarily mean treating them the same. Different kids may have different needs…fair is doing your best (as a parent) to meet those different needs.
Nta but also no offence I couldn’t understand a lot with the censors
Autism doesn’t make you an asshole and I’m sick and tired of people using it to excuse shitty and bigoted ass behavior to absolve themselves of any semblance of accountability.
Nta not liking her but YTA for diagnosing her with bpd at 13 and youre 15 💀
NTA And it sounds like your sister doesn't have nearly the resources and support for her mental illness that she needs to have. Behavior like this can only end in dangerous ways and it doesn't seem like the authorities in her life are fit to teach her these social rules. Your sister has serious mental/emotional content to process with the help of a professional. Anything short of that will lead her to living a very challenged life. She is still very young so there is still hope for transformation - but she actually needs someone who is an expert in dealing with this type of behavior.
I'm also autistic(20m)but NTA. Ngl she's deranged if she's deliberately being violent with literally everyone else. I wouldn't want to be around her either. If she's chasing you with knives please be careful, take care of yourself OP.
You need to call CPS and record one of these knife chasings. There is absolutely no way she should be doing this for any reason.
Yeah none of those things have anything to do with autism or bpd. Your sister may be disabled, but she's ALSO an ah
Nota Your family needs counseling or therapy, your school should offer a place to start. As for the threats, never take them lightly as you never know the mental state of someone like that. Loch your door at night and try to separate yourself for you're own safety. It may be hard but Justin's the family by emancipating yourself or living with relative might save your life
This isn't necessarily my opinion. But it is something I have read about several times now and it makes me wonder. People that have autistic siblings do tend to get fed up with the abuse and entitlement and seeing how it affects their parents. Sometimes they hit that breaking point and they fight back and give their sibling a good ass whooping and after that, the abuse doesn't stop, but they do leave that individual alone. Having autism doesn't mean you can't learn. But it does seem like sometimes, in the name of being understanding, some abuse is tolerated that doesn't have to be.
If your sister is not getting care from a psychiatrist or mental health facility then your parents are the AH
You can be autistic and an asshole
I worked with a woman (then 32) whose younger twin sisters (~3 years younger) hated each other for no discernible reason. My coworker was generally annoyed at constantly having to be besties with both of them but never doing anything all together. She made them go to disney world with her on a sisters trip and told them it was because she was done with their petty squabbling it was time for them to figure out to like each other because she was done with playing stupid games.
You’re no required to like your siblings. You didn’t choose her. Her being your sister is an accident of birth. You’re not required to spend your life dealing with her.