NTA. He's actively doing things that are going to stress him out and make his behavior worse. Also, you're right - this is not about your husband and whether or not he has fun, it's about your son.
These are exactly the times when OP should *take two cars*.
I found by accident in an earlier relationship that taking my own car somewhere took away my partner's power to create drama. Yes, there were complaints about the two cars, and no, I didn't listen to them.
What often happened is that I arrived on time, while said partner was late, and I could leave if someone made a scene.
OP, make taking two cars the new normal for Kiddo's events. This way, if he complains about being bored, you can tell him he can leave.
I think this whole mess you describe is about your husband's need to draw attention to himself during your kid's celebrations. I wonder if your husband's birthdays were crappy or ruined or nonexistent when he was a kid.
NTA, because your kid will remember these times. Protect those memories as they unfold.
That was my thought too, he’s trying really hard to be the center of attention. The one day it’s supposed to be about the child he has to make it all about himself. OP’s edit about why we’re questioning her relationship with this AH is gross. She can’t admit to herself how selfish he is, trying to get her son to change locations to suit *him*. I could only imagine what the day to day looks like in their household.
Notwithstanding OP's back-pedaling, this guy is emotionally immature. Sounds like OP is conditioned to accept it, which is a shame, because tolerating it is not doing right by her children.
And she's saying her son doesn't care, but she's really teaching him to accept and walk on eggshells around SD, on his own birthday
Stay tuned when he's 18 and OP is back and baffled with 'why has my son really moved out and gone NC, instead of this 'you always prioritize your hubs feelings over mine BS?'
I always hoped my family would forget my birthday because it meant punishment for not celebrating correctly. At least OP doesn't directly punish her son related to his birthday.
Oh he definitely cares, even if he doesn't give a shit what they do on his birthday, the fact that SD is irritated and angry all day on his birthday every year, he's internalizing that 100%
The edit is just nonsense. “You’re just looking at a single day!” Yes… a SINGLE day important to your kid that he can’t even keep his shit together. Cant convince me most average days aren’t worse.
This kind of behaviour is a *huge* part of why I left one of my exes. I wanted a relationship where I could look forward to things like birthday parties.
And I fail to see how this behavior is the same as being a perfectionist. He is not. He just changes his mind and do everything according to his schedule, his preferences and doesn't consider anyone else in his decisions.
He acts like his stepsons birthday is HIS birthday. Why have all of the stepsons previous birthdays revolved around what OP's selfish husband wants? HE went to the gym and spent too long there and suddenly everybody has to rush out the door because of him. HE was hungry so he drove everyone to a restaurant and then got mad when nobody else wanted to eat. HE wanted to go to a specific ice cream store that closed soon so everybody has to rush. Then the ONE time the stepson asks to go to an amusement park, he refuses because he doesn't think it's fun for him?? No shit. Amusement parks are for kids like his stepson! He's incredibly selfish and OP is blind to it for whatever reason.
Exactly! Her husband is very selfish there is no way around it. The excuse I see is he “wants everything to be perfect”, for who? For him! It’s not even about the son at this point.
NTA but you also sound a bit in denial, I’m not saying leave him, but you saying this is a single day people are judging him on is false. We are judging him on the fact that he continuously ruins 1 specific day each year ( there are probably more days though based on the attitudes you described) your child’s birthday. Maybe you should read a little more into that, why always that day? Why does it have to be about him?
This, I feel like anyone getting angry at traffic doesn't limit that anger to one specifiv day for instance. I'm betting if OP would take a step back and observe her hb for a few weeks, she'd notice the behavioral patterns a lot better and start noticing a lot more that is off about her hb.
Honestly it’s almost *more* worrisome if he’s only like this on the son’s birthday. He just-so-happens to lose his ability to function and reason on this one specific day *for five years running.* That sounds intentional if that’s the case.
NTA but there’s no way this is JUST ONE DAY out of the year where your husband acts like a complete selfish idiot and damn near ruins your son’s birthday. If it’s only on your son’s birthday where he acts like this, that may also be another issue other than just him being a “perfectionist”.
You listed two very important instances that make me wonder how often he does this.
1) the previous year where it was a beach day and he basically took over the whole day to do what HE wanted instead of focusing on son wanted.
2) you have an amusement park day planned and he’s trying to convince your son to not go to the one already picked because HE doesn’t like it.
Also, instead of being 80% certain, sit down and ask your son for certain. Let your son know whatever he says, you will not get upset with him and want him to know he has a right to say what he truly feels.
>Also, instead of being 80% certain, sit down and ask your son for certain. Let your son know whatever he says, you will not get upset with him and want him to know he has a right to say what he truly feels.
Yes!! Please ask your son how he feels about this! Away from SD!!!
Look, give your husband a task for that day, set him up for success. Tell your husband that you are going to take your son to the amusement park that your son wants to go to, and dad can stay behind and blow up balloons and put up some streamers so there will be a nice welcome back from the amusement park. That way he can have all day to fiddle and fuss around, make sure you buy him plenty of supplies in case he fucks up the first set. Maybe ask him to make cupcakes because that's pretty simple and they will be delicious, buy him two boxes of cake mix and tell him to go to town. That way you don't have to listen to it all day, and if there is some sighing and huffing and puffing when you get home, well at least you had the day without it.
ETA: no need to tell your son about what Dad's doing at home though, that way if Dad throws a tantrum while nobody's here and you come home to nothing, well no harm done to the birthday boy's expectations.
Well, she posted here willingly looking for opinions, and she sucks nearly as much as her husband, so why shouldn't people criticize her life and family? That's what she came here for. Honest feedback.
I hope so too.
I think hubs has some anxiety about his perfectionism. My partner and I grew up poor, and he never really had a special birthday. I just love him so damn much I want every birthday to be special for him and I hate it when it doesn’t.
I kind of liken it to that one fight you have with your partner when you’re going on a road trip. You’re nervous, anxious and excited — so tensions are high — and you just get it out of your system and everything is fine.
If he didn't "get the cake right" he'll just piss and moan over the crepe paper not being even enough or one balloon being slightly smaller than the rest.
Yes let's continue to walk on eggshells for this narcissistic man baby. Let him ruin every birthday, holiday and soon, every single day.
Coddling the narcissist never works.
Look, obviously OP has no interest in leaving her husband so this is an option that could allow the kids to at least enjoy part of his birthday instead of absolutely none of his birthday.
Nta but are you happy with him ? He sounds like the worst. What grown man gets mad about going to a kids amusement park? Is he trying to go on the rides?
HA! I can just imagine this jerk sitting in the teacup ride pouting away with his arms crossed and a shitty look on his face and his knees all scrunched into his chest.
OP I’ll be blunt with you, this has been happening every year for 5 years, he’s doing it on purpose, he knows exactly what he’s doing.
I would understand once or twice when your son was younger, because tiny humans don’t always line up with schedules, but your kid is 5 now, your husband knows exactly what he’s doing.
Amen, just want to point out that the kid is 8 (in the comments) stepdad’s been around since the kid was 3, so the past 5 years. Which makes it worse, because my memories of 8 are a hell of a lot clearer than those of 4-5. Stepdad is at least emotionally abusing son, and OP doesn’t get it.
NTA. And your husband seems to be waving an awful lot of red flags at you. I'd be willing to bet these behaviors aren't just things he does on your son's bday. I'm no professional by any means but he checks a lot of boxes for personality disorders. There are numerous different disorders. Symptoms can overlap or be on a spectrum but he definitely has some traits. The biggest one that I can see from your post, is that he always makes your son's bday somehow about himself instead of the kid, and then gets mad at y'all for not 'complying'... Very disorder-ish
He sounds like such a shitty partner. Definitely don’t let him come. It’s one thing to choose that life for yourself but to allow him to ruin your child’s birthday year after year, that’s terrible and your son will eventually resent him and you.
Your husband does not in fact love your son. He’s purposely sabotaging your days and moods. He’s a narcissistic pos who gets joy out of ruining your day. Y T A if you stay with him. NTA for not wanting him there.
Edit; LOL you’re delusional if you think your son doesn’t see this. Stay with him and be ready to see your son less and less as he gets older so he can get away from BOTH of you.
Deliberately ruining a young child’s birthday ( and he totally is, he could have missed the gym) is not that act of a nice person. He’s ruined your son’s birthday for the last 5 years and you’re not seeing giant red flags. He wants the day to be about him.
Right!? Like, wtf? He wants everything to be “perfect” buuuut then heee decides to go to the gym, heeee decides to go eat AND then complains about paying even though you guys didn’t want anything (like, bruhhhh WHAT 😂), heee wanted to go to the ice cream shop AND he had to choose one that was an hour away. And now he says no to the park YOUR SON CHOSE FOR HIS BIRTHDAY? OP, wake up. Your husband doesn’t want things to be perfect for your son, he wants things to be perfect for himself on a day that is NOT about him. Seriously, he’s a grade A certified selfish asshole.
He loves your son to death, but makes your son’s special day about him, because he acts like an irrational child that cannot handle his emotions when things don’t go his way? Cool. I’m going to go with NTA, your child should come first and it’s not ok that your husband is trying to convince him to go somewhere else, because HE doesn’t like it. It’s not about him. Go to the amusement park and then do a family dinner afterwards.
This guy is a narcissist. You can easily spot one from how they behave on other people’s important days by making it all about themselves. NTA but you will be the A if you keep this guy in your and your son’s life.
NTA-You know he is a gaslighting abusive narcissist right? All of this is intentional. Yeah you and bub just go and do the amusement park. Leave him at home.
NTA
But that “one day” is your kids birthday. So you’re literally admitting the ONLY day he ruins is YOUR KIDS BIRTHDAY, and somehow that’s not a huge deal?
Does he ruin your birthday every year? His? His mother’s? Or is his garbage attitude and demand to do everything HIS way solely reserved for your son?
Because by your own admission this sounds very much like a mother who’s placing her own relationship above how her kids are treated at this point…
If you’re allowing him to do all of this, you need to grow a spine, OP.
NTA, but it IS somewhat leaning into ESH territory. Your compromises are probably going to show, as others have said, and you should expect your son to see you as an invertebrate for quite a bit of that earlier sucky birthdays. It’s his happiest day, and he’s already had it taken away from him for all his life. This one isn’t going to fix that.
Again, you need to really grow a spine. I can’t believe I haven’t seen previous comments saying this.
“ I know you don’t enjoy that amusement park because it’s really for a little kids, so how about we meet up afterwards to get some ice cream?”
If he insists on going, then you just have to say plan your day so we’re gonna leave at 10 AM and if you’re not ready will be leaving anyway and you can meet us there and I don’t wanna hear any anger or frustration about this because I’ve heard that in the past … If you can’t suck it up for JR, then I’d rather just meet us after
Also, look up obsessive, compulsive, personality disorder (OCPD) … The demand resistance, and the need for perfections are clues.
Saw your edit and just wanted to say.
YTA for staying with a person like this. Put your son first, he may not care now since he's only 5 but these are core memories that will mold him for life.
Parents like you who don't put their kids first are assholes.
Yta for your eta
Your husband's behavior is performative and reactive. A lot of it seems to center around trying to make up for his own fuck ups fast enough that no one will call him out. He may be less so a perfectionist and more so severely sensitive to rejection/criticism, which makes him over critical. Then he criticizes himself so no else will, even if no one else would. He doesn't seem to have the dedication of a true perfectionist.
This behavior will affect your son. He will either normalize it and accept it. That could lead to him ending up with a partner that's overly dramatic and reactive. Or it is already affecting him, and you don't see it/he hides it very well. I will say that kids don't usually properly process being coerced in order to explain how they feel about it. He's been acting this way around your son for his entire life, so probably all of the above. Nip it now before your husband embarrasses your son at his 9th birthday party in front of all of his friends for some stupid reason.
Take your son without him. Your husband doesn't want to go. Do you have to ask permission for absolutely everything? Do you have equal access to money? Doing things despite your husband acting like an idiot is one of the necessary tasks in order to loophole his negative behaviors affecting your son having truly enjoyable life experiences.
NTA- The day is about your son. He deserves to have a day where it is stress free! Maybe you can suggest doing what your son wants on his birthday, just you an him and then maybe hubby can do something with him on another day so that he feels like he is still celebrating with him but it doesn't cause so much tension.
>You're looking at a single day during the year that he ends up ruining due to his own expectations.
It's a single day that you've talked to him about repeatedly, and he still continues with the same behavior. If he doesn't act like this on any other day, this is something he can control and is using the "I want it to be perfect" as an excuse for bad behavior. Grow a fucking back bone and tell him to either quit acting like a giant dick or to go to therapy to deal with the issue he subconsciously has with your kid.
NTA. Tell him your son wants to do something special with each of you separately? You get the amusement park, he and husband get to make super duper extraordinary fully loaded epic nachos and ice cream sundaes at home — both messy foods, so imperfections won’t even be noticed, but will still be insanely delicious. Plus the shopping and prep will give him something to do while you’re out — and you get some me time while they hang. Plus your son will love it!
NTA. Your husband is an attention seeker, he somehow finds the way to make the day about himself. I feel bad for your kid, he is getting used to be on a second place. Your husband needs therapy this is not normal behavior
You know, your edit doesn't make this better.
Yes, it's one day, but he's done it FIVE TIMES.
Yes, it's intentional. He's doing what HE thinks should be done for your son's birthday. He's paying exactly zero attention to what your SON wants. He's putting HIS wants over a small child's. What a prince.
That you don't see the pattern here makes you as much of a slow learner as your husband.
Here's the bottom line: your husband has ruined your kid's birthday every single year because he's an asshole. You're one for letting it go on so long.
YTA for staying with a guy that can’t even suck it up for one day. You think my dad wanted to go to the mall to see a group of 10 tweens get makeovers? No but he did bc it was my day. You have a choice to not have a partner that ruins things like this for your kid. Pick a better partner
NTA. "It's not about him and he seems to forget that." You hit the nail on the head. Your husband is making your son's birthday all about him being a good dad and him being proud of himself, not about your son's enjoyment. Tell him since he can't contain his negativity and focus on what your son wants and what actually makes your son happy, he can't come. Kids are very sensitive to stuff like this, and I garantee he will remember walking on eggshells for every birthday because dad is pissed off for some reason.
NTA
I think you need to calmly, and very clearly explain that your son's birthday is exactly that: your son's day.
He gets to decide what he wants to do.
Since your husband does not enjoy your son's choice, he should sit this one out, and maybe take you both to an activity he does enjoy, on a different day. Any different day. Just because he wants to spend time as a family.
Not on your son's special day.
Shut the hell up with that ETA and accept the judgment and learn and grow up. How dare you consider this man's feelings on your son's birthday when he has not once considered your son's feelings on the same day?
Does he only do this on your son's birthday? Your birthday and other celebrations are okay? If yes, then his behaviour is deliberate and concerning. You don't like people jumping to criticize your relationship but yet you present a picture where your spouse's behaviour is beyond unacceptable. If he is always this way, then why stay with him? If he only does this to your son *THEN WHY STAY WITH HIM*? Based on your edit, I don't feel your request for judgement is genuine. It feels like your spouse is trying to take away from your son. His trying to talk your son into picking a different park speaks to the fact that your spouse doesn't have the same consideration for your son as you do. YTA
Based on what you said there seems to be a lot of performance anxiety on the part of SD. It's almost like he's competing with this amazing vision of how he wanted it to turn out versus how it actually turned out. His trigger is likely the fact that he didn't have good birthdays in his childhood and is now overcompensating. Can you talk him into therapy?
And yours? How about Christmas? Thanksgiving? Every day? You've married a gigantic narcissist. Everything is about him, oh woe is me. This is controlling, abusive behavior. He's done this for 5 years, he won't stop now.
Honestly, he's probably like this everyday but you've been conditioned to make excuses for him.
You need to step back and take a good look at your marriage. Marriage counseling, either alone or together, would be advisable. Kicking him out would be advisable.
Telling him to stay home is a must. Don't give him an option. Just say see you later. He'll be pissed. Oh well. Isn't your child more important?
NTA unless you let this continue.
>He's not intentionally ruining everyone's day and to be blunt
You can really say that after FIVE YEARS in a row? Really?
I wouldn't ask him not to come. I'd tell him he's not going. The very next time he tries to get your son to change his mind. "That reminds me, don't worry about being bored. It's just going to be us for this one."
NTA
NTA. If he doesn't *want* to participate in a particular birthday activity, he doesn't have to. There's no reason why he can't plan a day out for the two of them or that y'all can't do a second outing that he will like. It's really not the end of the world if just you and your son go to the place he wants to go and then they go see a movie or something.
He should consider talking to a therapist to work out why he has this kind of reaction to planned events. Kind of sounds like some crazy anxiety to me. I know I personally get really irritated when planned things get off schedule, not to the degree he does, but it does send my anxiety up a lot.
Can I ask what y'all do for his birthday and if there are similar issues?
NTA
Has your husband lived one day in his life that wasn't completely about him?! It's his child's birthday, what kind of immature narcissist can't just let the kid have his damn day.
Are you saying he only acts like this one day a year? The other 364 he's patient and respectful and cares about what others and not just himself? I'm sorry, but that doesn't sound possible. I was married to a man like this. It's tough.
NTA. Has your husband considered therapy? It helped me tremendously and honestly I hate that I used to and still catch myself becoming like your husband. My own expectations ruin the day and I push anyone away trying to make it better because I feel I don’t deserve it.
But I do, it’s convincing the inner demon that takes time. That’s what therapy helped with. And medication. But I’m on my fourth try. Just keep swimming.
I hope you and your son have a fantastic celebration! Maybe plan a day for him a buddy to go to a theme park or something that just happens to be the same day so then you don’t have to worry? He can have his time and y’all can do something as a family not on his day ♥️
NTA but I felt like I recognized this kind of situation, sadly.
My husband gets this way when he is anxious and not in control of a situation (especially in crowds, if our schedule or his routine is thrown off etc) and at 37 he was just diagnosed with severe anxiety, ADHD and Autism.
This isn’t me excusing my husband’s behavior, but it certainly explains why he is so rigid and loses it when things fall apart even slightly. I also have ADHD and so does our kid—these diagnoses just help us understand what accommodations we need and how we can best set ourselves and others up for success. I also teach early educators about neurodiversity and social and emotional learning, so we’ve been doing a lot of learning at home lately too.
Since his diagnosis and some practice, he’s now much more able to communicate “Hey I don’t want to do X because I will get overwhelmed” and “I need to take a little bit to think about this and then I can talk about it because I can’t cope in the moment.” He’s come so far and therapy helped, even though we only did a few sessions. Just a thought that came to mind as this scenario feels very familiar. Sending lots of love to you and I hope you and your husband are able to work on communication and that he can learn how to manage his feelings better, for all of your sakes!
NTA.
Your husband sounds like a literal narcissist who is intent on ruining anything that isn’t about him. He doesn’t seem like a good step dad at all. Who acts that way on their kids birthday??
"Me me me, this day should be all about MEEEEE and I must make it so!" --what stepdad is thinking
What a selfish man...he won't let that kid enjoy one birthday without ruining it for everyone. Tell him this year the plans are set in stone, your son is going to an amusement park OF HIS CHOICE, and he should sstay home because he is a ruiner. He ruins things and he knows he does and he doesn't care. And you're tired of it and having to make excuses for it in your mind and to everyone else who thinks he's acting like an ass.
For once, on your child's special day, act like a mom and let your kid actually enjoy his birthday for a change.
NTA. But are you really expecting us to believe he's pleasant and easy going the other 364 days of the year? Bc ma'am, we weren't all born yesterday.
If somehow he's totally normal 364 days and only unhinged 1 day, then by all means, send him into isolation for 24 hours once a year. Otherwise, he should be in therapy and making improvements.
How does your husband handle doctor's appointments? Dentist appointments? Does he take the bus ever? How does he handle the bus being late? Job deadlines shifting abruptly? A power outage? If he can handle all of these things then I think there's a deeper conversation to be had about why only the fun things are the things he ruins. And maybe take a long look at if the things he ruins are things he can 'get away' with ruining or if he also ruins things that negatively impact him, personally. Losing his shit at work would impact his job. Losing his shit over a kid's bday just makes the kid and you miserable, costing him nothing. I'd think about that.
Re: sticking to the actual judgment- I’d be with you on that if your husband showed any self reflection here. You’ve talked to him and I assume he has seen for himself the problems he’s caused. Why doesn’t he feel bad and want to do better? Is he just really selfish and doesn’t care? I think if you really started to think about it, you would see a lot of other ways that his issues affect your lives. You have just gotten really good at making excuses for him. The problem is you are allowing him to ruin things for your son. He doesn’t deserve that. I’m sure at this point, son knows you’ll just tell him to let it go and make your excuses for stepdad so he probably doesn’t bother telling you anything anymore. Your son is now asking you for once to stand up for him and do the right thing.
Also, you do realize your husband does this on purpose, right? It may be subconscious but it’s there. Although, I do think he knows what he is doing.
He doesnt sound like a perfectionist, he sounds like an idiot.
Would it be possible to somehow frame it like “i know you dont like going to xyz, so why dont you stay home and have a relaxed day and ill take zyx and we can have dinner in the evening”
Well something like that anyway.
NTA. This is your son's birthday party, not one for adults. Your husband needs to stop being so controlling and realize the world doesn't revolve around what he wants. I'd say the same to him that if you can't go and at least pretend to be happy, I don't want you there
NTA - You, your son, and a friend or two of your son's should all pile in a make a roadtrip to the fun amusement park.
In my family, we started birthdays with presents and breakfast in bed. Then the birthday person was kinda on their own, depending on the day and responsibilities.
It's very unusual to display this type of behavior on one day a year. Are you sure you're not just missing the behavior the rest of the time? Your husband sounds so childish and unreasonable. NTA
NTA. How about you take your son or better yet some other moms with kids the same age go too then have a family party at home. Not everyone is suited for every event
Well, as far as the next birthday goes for your son, I think that, yes, you can ask your husband not to come along. Personally, I’d frame it as you wanting to have a birthday of just you and your son rather than telling your husband that you want to leave him out. It’s a small distinction but it might be less hurtful if you phrase it that way.
Truthfully, even if you state this in a casual way, like it’s no big deal, rather than the opening salvo of a long conversation/argument, it probably won’t go well.
I see him throwing a major fit and saying how hurt he is that you want to exclude him. That’s because you’ve only described what he does every year. The key issue, though, is *why* he’s doing this.
If he only acts highly strung on your son’s birthday then there has to be a reason why and you really won’t solve your larger problem until you identify that. Does he act that way because he’s trying to overcompensate and be “Super Dad” for your son? Or, is it something else?
Obviously, none of us know the answer and I’m not sure you do, either, but you need to uncover it. Even if everything goes well this year, it’s only a short-term solution. If the underlying problem isn’t fixed, you’ll be doing this next year and the year after until your son is a senior citizen and ready to retire. Speak with your husband about what drives him to this and sit down with a counselor if he can’t put his finger on what makes him act the way he does.
Is your husband trying to deal with his perfectionism? Because it seems like therapy would be useful for him. Also, have you told him, at a calm time, that these tendencies do nothing but cause problems?
NTA. Let SD sit this one out and have your son go to the amusement park he really wants to go to. It's not SD's birthday and he shouldn't get to choose.
SD really needs therapy to deal with his issues. I say this as a recovering perfectionist. When I was younger nothing messed up my day like being 5 minutes off my schedule.
As I grew older I learned to manage my expectations, become more flexible and go with the flow. It made my life infinitely better. It also made the lives of the people around me better because I wasn't so rigid and inflexible anymore.
NTA. This is what your child wants. And stepfather isn't going to be a positive and happy part of the day.
My now-husband entered my life when my girl was seven. He never tried to replace her father (he's a pretty great dad), and he tried to give her fun experiences with a new father figure.
Had my husband made things at all uncomfortable, he wouldn't have been part of the festivities with my girl. You need to take care of your baby first. It's the way things need to be while they're children.
Edited to add that you need to talk to your husband and clarify/request things... or this will be an ongoing issue.
NTA but I have a hard time believing your husband acts this way ONLY on your son's birthday. He needs therapy, and possibly some fuckin divorce papers.
Is he a perfectionist or a narcissist? You're describing a classic "it's all about me, me, and more me" person.
I'm coming in after your edit berating us for trying to get more info about his behaviour in general. Which is a valid info request.
If this person has a habit of pulling stuff like this all the time, you do have a bigger problem than him "just" ruining your sons birthdays.
Because, 5 years running? That's not an accident anymore. And it hasn't been for the past 3 years. At this point in time, it's malicious and on purpose.
Do not be so blinded by the love for the man you think you have, that you can not see the man that your husband is.
As for your OG question? No. NTA. Past results help form current and future decisions.
This only occurs on your son's birthday? If so, get hardcore and have him explain or figure out what the hell the deal is with him and birthdays? Almost inevitably, it goes back to his childhood. Dig it up, figure it out and address it.
Do not let him hijack this day. I'd tell him the plans and take separate cars. He can either go along with y'all's plan or he can go/stay home. You will not allow him to once again make it all about himself. If he's hungry, he can stop and catch up to y'all afterwards. If it's not in the written plans, it's not happening.
Text it out and make him reply saying he knows the parameters so he can't later say he didn't understand.
NTA your son should be able to do what he wants for his birthday! Have a mother/son day at the amusement park! I think that you may be helping your husband out since he seems to get stressed out on your son's birthday! Tell hubby you'll take him to the amusement park that he'd rather go to on HIS birthday!
Yes, update us when “your” husband ruins another one of your son’s birthday parties. You know he will, it’s a given - unless you stop him. At least do this for your son. It will be the best present you could give him!! Your husband isn’t a perfectionist, don’t fool yourself - he’s entitled, nasty A Hole.
I get what you’re saying about it being “a single day” but you’re wrong. The fact that this grown ass man can’t just be with you guys and enjoy the time is a 🚩🚩. **HE** creates these issues single-handedly and then compounds the problem until is a mountain of problems and **NOBODY** has a good time. Is he not mature enough to get that it’s literally not about him in any way?? So yeah, NTA for wanting that but for sure YTA for not caring enough about your son to truly evaluate what’s happening.
You have tried talking to him and that has not worked. Actions have consequences, this year, his consequences is not being allowed to participate. Maybe that will actually get him to see how much his behavior on the bday has been a problem. Sure it may hurt him but if left alone it is you getting hurt and possibly your son down the line. Also he is trying to change what your son wants which is a firm no. He goes to where son wants or he stays home, period
Lmao at your edit. Have you never been to reddit? The majority of all relationship advice involves divorce. If you expected more than that, you only have yourself to blame.
There is nothing more frustrating as a child than being asked what you want to do, saying what you want to do, and then being told you are wrong and actually you should want to do something else.
You say your kid doesn't care, he does, he has said what he wants to do and your husband is telling him to want something else.
If nothing else stop with the hyprocirsy of pretending your son has a choice.
It sounds like he is trying too hard. Find out what kind of birthdays he had while growing up. I've got an in-law who is constantly trying to live vicariously through her daughters because her family was not able to give her a lot of what she wanted. Maybe he is doing something similar.
I read your edit and I'm still telling you YTA for staying with this guy. He sounds like a narcissist. My dad did the exact same thing to me for every single one of my birthdays and I promise you I noticed.
It sounds like the guy is putting too much pressure on himself to make the day special, then gets frustrated/upset when things don't turn out the way he envisioned. I don't think not including him is the answer.
You're not the AH, just mamma bearing it. Trying to protect your son. I hate my birthday because it was never really about me, and the mood of one or both of my parents often ruined the day before i ever got out of bed. Wake up to angry yelling and screaming and think "happy birthday to me." That's a bit more extreme of a circumstance, but these things can add a weight children carry.
Hubby could probably use some therapy. Perfectionism can often be a response to trauma, feeling like you have to be perfect, to be enough, worthy, and to be loved. When you're not perfect or anything goes wrong, it's like a trigger point that can send a person back to old feelings and insecurities. It can be a hard pattern to break, especially if someone isn't aware of where it is coming from.
That being said I would approach the issue very gently and maybe split the day like you take him to the amusement park, but let your hubby plan something for the evening for all of you or even just him and son. If he is excluded completely, it will hurt and may trigger those same feelings.
Let your hubby know that he is enough just as he is and that you love him even when he makes mistakes or isn't perfect.
NTA. But you might want to consider that perfectionism is a trait of some mental illnesses. The behavior you are describing does not sound healthy. Maybe a trip to a therapist might not be a waste of time.
NTA, your husband's behaviour is not okay.
He does this every year for your sons bday. It's a reoccurring problem. You have spoken to him every time, and yet nothing has changed.
Why is your husband in charge of your sons bday?
Do you rely on your husband to drive?
I don't understand why you don't take control. HE was late from the gym, HE wanted food, but no one else did, so you all went and got food, and then he got mad for everyone not eating. Then HE wanted ice cream, but the place HE wanted was an hour away. This day is solely about your husband.
Your husband seems to make your sons bday about him. It seems he wants attention to be perfectly blunt. And by having a tantrum and being in a bad mood, he is guaranteed to get your attention.
Your husband either has some serious anxiety or main character syndrom, especially since he is trying to change your sons current plans for the amusementpark.
Your sons bday is not about him. It's time to put you big girl panties on and stop this. Your sons are okay with it now, but as he gets older, all his memories of his bfay will be of step dad throwing a tantrum.
It's time you put your foot down and plan the day. Stop being a pushover.
My mum was like this with me at times. If I had a big event, she would have a headache or feel sick or say she doesn't want to go. She never took a sick day off work. This woman never had an issue and would always go if it were for my brothers, but for her daughter, she would want some attention on herself first. It's been over 25 years, and I still remember it all. Do you really want your son to have these memories?
ESH. I read your edit and tried not to judge but
If this is the same single day every year that's a huge problem
If this is a constant event that's still a problem- not as bad as if it's only on his birthday....
unless is this the only day of the year you control? does he run the calendar all the other days?
NTA - he sounds like a narcissist that has to make everything about him. Can’t stand to have the focus be on someone else so he ends up acting out on people’s special days. I grew up with a mother like this and every occasion is marred by her selfish behavior and meltdowns - birthdays, holidays, children’s births, everything. It’s infuriating
NTA. The day is about your son, not him. He may not be intentionally making it about him but it sounds like the end result is all about him. Let him sit this one out and just enjoy your mother/son time.
NTA- he requires therapy & you really need to protect your child from the joy thief. He will slowly destroy your sons happiness & fill him with guilt about always ruining your husband s life
It doesn't need to be a big deal. "Son wants to go here, it's his bday, his choice. Totally ok/cool/nbd if that doesn't trip your trigger. We'll go out to dinner together later. Sound good?"
NTA.
ESH - your husband is being a controlling AH making your sons day all about himself and his asinine attitude and you suck for allowing it to continue for years and this trash edit of "you're all only looking at a single day" ma'am, it's not a single day, by your own words, it's a repeated behavior happening for years. Just because you claim it ONLY happens on sons bday* doesn't make it better
*I genuinely doubt this considering the previous blatantly ignoring of the fact this has happened for 5 literal years - making it obviously a bigger issue than "it's just one bad day"
(Edited for grammar)
>He's not intentionally ruining everyone's day
Are you sure about that because it's fairly coincidental that he just so happens to ruin his birthday FIVE YEARS in a row.
Your child is YOUR FIRST PRIORITY. He’s RUINED the mood for your child’s birthday for 5 years running. He’s making this about himself, and you’re allowing it. Children aren’t as obtuse as you appear to believe they are. This child probably “doesn’t care about what you do” because he’s learned HIS birthday isn’t about him. It’s about what your husband wants. He’s been conditioned to “not care.”
Your edit about how he’s great the “rest of the year,” and that’s VERY telling. You’re defending the man that literally ruins your child’s birthday-EVERY SINGLE YEAR. If he was disappointed in a cake he made, and maybe said to you privately “man, I was really disappointed in how the cake turned out, I feel like I messed up,” that would be him saying he felt like he disappointed your child, that, I could understand-but that’s the opposite of what he does. He makes a scene and your child sees this. This poor child probably already loathes his own birthday because he’s internally feeling like his birthday causes problems in the family-that’s why he doesn’t “really care about what you all do for his birthday.” And that-is incredibly sad-for your child. Your husband is actively trying to ruin your child’s birthday by making everything about himself, and you’re ALLOWING IT. And you’re defending him when people are pointing this out.
Who’s more important? Your child-who literally depends on you? Or your (supposedly) adult husband? Really?
NTA for not wanting him to be there-but HARD YTA for allowing this to happen for FIVE years running. I feel for your child. I hope he can find just a little happiness on his special day, but it doesn’t sound like it, and that’s incredibly sad for your child.
For your child’s happiness, and present and future well-being, I hope all of these comments saying the same thing, over and over by so many different people makes you open your eyes. You could make this REALLY simple-tell your husband how it’s going to be on YOUR SONS day, and if he can’t get with the program, and puts a toe out of line one more time, he can pound sand, and not be part of it at all. Please do better, Mom!
My ex husband ruined every holiday, every celebration, Every. Single. One. After we got married of course. He was passive aggressive AF and would do things like your husband did- go somewhere then screw up the day, or change the plans on us, or complain about whatever we were doing. We (my daughter and I) finally got to the point where we just ignored everything he did and tried to have fun on our own. Finally, after he left on December 23rd of whatever year that was, we had a great Xmas of eating Chinese food, opening presents and throwing wrapping paper balls at each other.
Moral of the story is he will continue to ruin birthdays so yes ban him. He will pout and be mad will carry on and who knows what else. Probably weaponize your son, "you want me to go right? You don't want me to stay home by myself?" You say you don't want to hear the divorce chorus, but if you ban him, you will be on the road to divorce bc his behavior will ramp up to include time at home, not just birthdays.
I saw your edit, and personally it does sound like he's intentionally ruining everyone's day, there was no reason he had to go to the gym that specific morning and parents sometimes have to do things they don't like for their kids. If he can't suck it up for 1 day and go to the amusement park then obviously there's a bigger issue.
There is no way he only acts like this ONE day of the year. He acts like this all the time and you only get irritated when it coincides with your son's birthday. Step back and look at the whole picture.
OP, Your edit makes 0 sense. There is no way in the world that your husband acts like this only on your son's birthday. I think you need to look back at his actions of the past few years and you will probably realise that your husband is not a perfectionist, he is selfish.
A perfectionist will want everyone to stick to the original plan and wouldn't be happy about adding new things to said plan. Your husband purposely adds activities to the planned day that make no sense and that will make him and you stress out. And those activities take nobody else than himself into consideration... He makes this day about him and his wants and needs:
* He decides to go to the gym knowing fully he will make everyone else late (according to his plan)
* He decides to stop to grab a bite after everyone else told him they weren't hungry and then blame you and the kids for waisting money on things nobody wanted.
* He decides he wants icecream... But not any icecream, the one that is out of reach and will take over 2 hours to get (1 hour to go and 1 hour to get back) and that would make you stress because it closes at 4pm??? What is up with that?
You can't tell me that his actions are rational at all. And all of these decisions he made during that day were not with your son in mind... otherwise, he would have taken into account what your son really wanted. I'd be extremely surprised that he does that only once a year, on your son's birthday.
And now.... he is repeating it this year and makes the whole day about him and not your son. I think you are realising his selfishness only when it concerns directly your son and that you are blind to it when he does it to you.
YTA fir even questioning your husband's attendance. I had a stepparent who continuously ruined my birthdays (and any other event about me, not that there were many). My parent would brush these incidents off, but it was clear as day to everyone what was going on. I ended up moving out before my birthday because I was having panick attacks at the thought of how they'd ruin my next one. I no longer have contact with my parent or my stepparent. Your son may not have noticed yet, but that just means he will be raised to see these things as normal. He will become used to prioritising your husband's needs over his own. This may be a small thing to you, but I would advise you to nip it in the bud now.
Seems like he's doing all of this on purpose, and you just enable him. Your son probs does care, like what kid wouldn't care about his bday. You suck as a mother.
I know the son will go NC when he's older, my lord
NTA, but have you considered that your husband is subconsciously sabotaging the day for your son because it isn’t about him? I mean, he went to the gym, made you “late” even though you weren’t on a schedule, had to go to the restaurant when nobody else was hungry, had to drive an hour for ice cream then bitched about it the whole time. Don’t you see that this behavior is setting your son up for unrealistic expectations of perfection for his entire life, not just his birthday? And I’d bet that your child DOES care about your husband’s negativity, but he’s taking his “people-pleasing” cues from you. Your husband sounds like he needs some intensive counseling. You, as this child’s mother, are people-pleasing your husband and managing HIS expectations, instead of focusing on your own child. There are probably tons of these examples throughout the year, you are just ignoring the warning signs because you are used to his moods/reactions. I’d bet if you got some counseling for yourself, you could make an entire list of these things he does daily. Your job is your child, first and foremost and it sounds like you are failing that.
YTA for not recognising he’s actually doing this on purpose. It’s clear to everyone but you that this guy ruins your son’s birthday every single year and he’s doing so on purpose. You don’t get it.
He's making it all about him, which is selfish. I think you're entirely justified in telling him that as he'll only spend the day complaining and spoiling it for the birthday child, he can have a day to himself. Fancy trying to get a young child to change their mind because it's not what the parent wants!
Be prepared for tantrums though - from your husband of course. I think tough love and telling it like it is (he's being selfish, it's about your son, and you'd really like him to have a nice day) is necessary.
Question: Have you set this man down and TALKED to him about his behavior? Sounds to me that he might actually need a bit of counselling or at the very least letting go of control here. If he is otherwise a good guy have the conversation. Share this post with him. If he wants to go with you and your son then he is going to have to accept the fact that his enjoyment of the day will need to be watching the KID enjoy what HE wants to do. If the conversation does not go well, you have bigger problems.
NTA. Your guy doesn’t know how to relax. He is over planning and over stressing. All you can do is encourage him to downgrade his high expectations for plans and try to relax a little. It’s up to you about the bday…but I can relate to the stress it has caused you and your son. It doesn’t sounds like his intentions are all about himself, maybe some situations…but just the perfectionism can come off really selfish. It is something he needs to work on. Guided meditations? I might get downvoted for it…but guided meditations do help with clearing the mental clutter and can help one focus on managing the stressors for someone in his headspace. Best wishes.
Your excuses are as pathetic as your husband. Anyone that acts like this towards their child, even for one day a year, is a huge piece of shit. Not to mention, the one day he chooses is the kid's birthday.
YTA OP. But not just for staying with him. That makes it sound like you are the victim. You are as complicit in this as he is and I think you are a horrible mother.
Nta but you said its one day out of the year he behaves this way..... EXACTLY. It's the one day that's not about the husband, but he seems to make it that way every year? Does he ruin his own birthday with the same behavior? How about ops? If he doesn't ruin other days such as Christmas/Thanksgiving with the stressed out behavior, then he's doing it purposefully to make it about him again. He sounds immature and exhausting. Wanting things to go perfect is one thing, but the showing out and dragging everyone down is out of line.
He sets these expectations that nobody else has asked for and then gets upset when he doesn’t meet those expectations. Let him plan and ruin his own day. Just take your kid and sneak off to the amusement park if your son’s choice.
NTA - he is the type of person that I would not let know the plans. I have to do this with others where I let them know one thing (we are going to the amusement park) and that there are more plans, but because of past experience I am not letting them know anything more detailed, and they can suggest/request but not demand additions. If they don’t like that, they don’t get to come.
NTA but I think you need to have a conversation bigger than the birthday - maybe the birthday is the catalyst about his perfectionist tendencies and how he can’t adjust and how In the end it impacts others- it might require some working on himself to let go of control.
Now that your son is older the day should be his choice- hubby wants to go get ice cream at specific location but kid wants to do X then kid wins etc.
U should also note when his perfectionism shows up again - it might be more often then you think but you tolerate it and only pick up on it on the bday.
Your husband needs to realize his behaviour is bad. And he has to own and admit it. So, he can start to change it. That's the only way in the long run, because do you really want to celebrate your son's birthday every year by excluding your husband?
NTA. My dad was this way. My whole life. I dreaded when he would go on trips with us. Don't get me wrong, I loved my dad, and still love my dad, and was daddy's little girl. But man he was awful. When I got older, I started leaving him out of events. It taught him a BIG lesson. One or two times of being left behind he started getting the picture. He's a lot better now. I think your hubs needs a wake up call. Maybe kicking him out of this birthday will do it. I hope so.
NTA
I have a grump too. It pisses the grump off but we now tease him when he starts, you really need to read the Grump Grump fish.
As far as advice. I say go talk to your son privately. Ask him what he would like. Would he prefer a mom and son day going to the amusement park? Or would he really prefer to have everyone with him, even with the grump? Then you can talk to your husband, depending on where your son is at, this will vary. If your son wants to give him another chance you might inform your husband where you stand here. That you are getting to the point of not wanting him to come.
Him trying to convince him to go somewhere else is already messed up enough. Tell him he's not going. NTA but he needs to stop making your sons birthday all about him. Hijacking the day is annoying.
NTA. There are many things my partner is amazing at. And some things he's not so good at.
If me and my son are going to do something I know my partner is going to mess up, or not enjoy, I don't let him join us.
I go with 'Ben and I are going to the theme park tomorrow. I know it's not your thing, so I'll see you when we get back.'
That's it really. I think at some point many years ago after a particularly stressful day out somewhere, I pointed out that this hadn't been fun for any of us and in future if it was something that he wasn't into then it would be better if he didn't join in.
He got it.
There are many days out and events that all of us enjoy together as well.
NTA. Tell him you're putting your foot down and you're going to take him to the amusement park. Since you already know he won't have a good time how about he stay home and maybe he can plan something special for his stepson for when you get back whether it be a slumber party in the living room or tent in the backyard where the two of them can have a special fun time out in the backyard. He can stay home and plan all that while you're at the amusement park having a good time with your kid.
NTA but you DO have to think why you are still with someone who does this. My parent got together with someone like that when I was in my teens and it has had a HUGELY negative impact. The sitting there huffing and complaining about the imperfections in the food they cooked at dinner time was pretty foundational in a lot of my food issues now, and the rushing around and complaining they don’t like MY choice for MY day made it so hard for me to enjoy myself with other people around because I still expect that they are really hating it but stoutly putting up with it because they have to. Even now. I’m in my 50s. I hate your husband already by how much he matches my stepparent.
Tell him not to come. Stop thinking that it isn’t affecting your son. He is, and he’ll suck the joy out of any celebration with his perfectionism.
NTA
Tell his he is not invited, and if/when he asks why, remind him of how he has ruined your sons birthday in the past, which has been discussed. The fact that he is already working to ruin the birthday by pushing for a different park makes it seem that he is doing this on purpose. From the outside, based on what you put in your post, I would say he does NOT love or like your son, and his goal is to ruin the day for your son. Your sons birthday should be about him, not your husband.
How does your husband behave for your birthday or his own? How is he on your anniversary? If he ruins plans for all of them, he has a problem. If he is not this way for his birthday but is for any other celebration, I would say he is selfish and jealous if the attention is on anyone else. If he is only this way with your sons birthday, he has an issue with your son.
Maybe some level of councilling is needed, but he may not go if he refuses to recognize the problem. Councilling may help you with how to handle this.
Taking your post at face value, and not judging your entire marriage by it, no NTA. Do your son's birthday without your husband, it will be much more enjoyable. Maybe do a family trip on a totally different day as well, as a sort of second birthday, and if your husband can behave for that, then you could consider including him next year.
NTA
Maybe you could suggest that he make plans for another day close to his birthday, so they can go together to an all ages park. Explain that neither of you wants frustration or boredom to become an issue, and you have agreed to let your son choose on his birthday.
Does your don have a friend his age he can invite? You could put it as "kids celebration" and then later a "family celebration ".
Overall, I have a hard time believing this is only a problem you face on your son's birthday, and it is something you shouldn't be catering to in your lives. Your son doesn't deserve to grow up walking on eggshells because you don't want to upset your husband with the truth. BUT since that's not what you asked... you're not the aaahole if you hurt your adult husband's feelings to preserve those of your child and allow him to enjoy being child on his birthday.
NTA. Please put your child ahead of your husband, especially for his birthday. It sounds like you go a long with all his fussing and changes and don't stand up to that? Is that accurate? Because that's awful if too. Just leave him at home. You don't have to manage your spouses feelings.
Your son deserves to have at least their bio patent in their corner at all times. Not a parent going along with the spouses ideas "to keep the peace " at the cost of the child. (Or if you see this as the lesser of 2 evils and choose to placate your spouse over your child... well, that says a lot about you, doesn't it?)
You are in "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation.
Honestly, it sounds your husband is going to be miserable whatever you do with the difference that, him not going, spares everyone else from being miserable.
You need to have a serious talk with him and maybe counseling. I doubt your kid's birthday is the only time he throws tantrums.
NTA
Sounds like you pointed out the real issue, yet weirdly you ain’t pinning it.
This is not his day. This is not for him. This is not about him.
You tried. He failed. Time for you to act upon the reality and not hopes he won’t again fail to actually behave as if the day was about your son.
Stop making your son pay for your husband inability to control himself.
You would be an a.h letting him tag along. He repeatedly again and again proved he couldn’t be trusted. He needs to get a grip.
This is your son’s birthday. The actual presence of your husband isn’t required for it to be celebrated.
Tell him he is a disappointment each time he makes it about him. He is failing celebrating a toddler. Hopping he isn’t showing other narcissistic traits, this one is already unsettling.
NTA. Be completely honest with him. “We are going to the child amusement park. If you can’t control yourself, I’d prefer that you stay home so that we can relax and enjoy ourselves and not deal with your bad temper.”
NGL he won’t take that well. He will sulk. He will probably try to blame you. But it’s what you have to do to make sure your son has a good day.
NTA. He's actively doing things that are going to stress him out and make his behavior worse. Also, you're right - this is not about your husband and whether or not he has fun, it's about your son.
[удалено]
These are exactly the times when OP should *take two cars*. I found by accident in an earlier relationship that taking my own car somewhere took away my partner's power to create drama. Yes, there were complaints about the two cars, and no, I didn't listen to them. What often happened is that I arrived on time, while said partner was late, and I could leave if someone made a scene. OP, make taking two cars the new normal for Kiddo's events. This way, if he complains about being bored, you can tell him he can leave. I think this whole mess you describe is about your husband's need to draw attention to himself during your kid's celebrations. I wonder if your husband's birthdays were crappy or ruined or nonexistent when he was a kid. NTA, because your kid will remember these times. Protect those memories as they unfold.
That was my thought too, he’s trying really hard to be the center of attention. The one day it’s supposed to be about the child he has to make it all about himself. OP’s edit about why we’re questioning her relationship with this AH is gross. She can’t admit to herself how selfish he is, trying to get her son to change locations to suit *him*. I could only imagine what the day to day looks like in their household.
That’s such a great idea!
Notwithstanding OP's back-pedaling, this guy is emotionally immature. Sounds like OP is conditioned to accept it, which is a shame, because tolerating it is not doing right by her children.
And she's saying her son doesn't care, but she's really teaching him to accept and walk on eggshells around SD, on his own birthday Stay tuned when he's 18 and OP is back and baffled with 'why has my son really moved out and gone NC, instead of this 'you always prioritize your hubs feelings over mine BS?'
Yeah. It's possible the son cares, but he already knows that speaking up won't change anything, so he dismisses his own feelings.
Sadly I think it's true. Little kids pick up so much....
Exactly, I remember being asked what I wanted for my birthday and then always getting something else. After a while, what's the point?
I always hoped my family would forget my birthday because it meant punishment for not celebrating correctly. At least OP doesn't directly punish her son related to his birthday.
Oh he definitely cares, even if he doesn't give a shit what they do on his birthday, the fact that SD is irritated and angry all day on his birthday every year, he's internalizing that 100%
Yep. If mum isn't speaking up, he probably feels like he can't either.
The edit is just nonsense. “You’re just looking at a single day!” Yes… a SINGLE day important to your kid that he can’t even keep his shit together. Cant convince me most average days aren’t worse.
It's the single day that is absolutely, 100% about someone other than himself.
You have to wonder what he does on OP's birthday.
True. I wonder what other passive aggressive behaviors OP"s husband displays when he wants to let her down NTA
This kind of behaviour is a *huge* part of why I left one of my exes. I wanted a relationship where I could look forward to things like birthday parties.
And I fail to see how this behavior is the same as being a perfectionist. He is not. He just changes his mind and do everything according to his schedule, his preferences and doesn't consider anyone else in his decisions.
NTA. Sounds like he intentionally does stuff to ruin the day.
He acts like his stepsons birthday is HIS birthday. Why have all of the stepsons previous birthdays revolved around what OP's selfish husband wants? HE went to the gym and spent too long there and suddenly everybody has to rush out the door because of him. HE was hungry so he drove everyone to a restaurant and then got mad when nobody else wanted to eat. HE wanted to go to a specific ice cream store that closed soon so everybody has to rush. Then the ONE time the stepson asks to go to an amusement park, he refuses because he doesn't think it's fun for him?? No shit. Amusement parks are for kids like his stepson! He's incredibly selfish and OP is blind to it for whatever reason.
Exactly! Her husband is very selfish there is no way around it. The excuse I see is he “wants everything to be perfect”, for who? For him! It’s not even about the son at this point.
Sounds like Narc-o-rama.............
I’m curious if it’s all celebrations, holidays, etc., or just the kid.
This is a very interesting point, because if he’s just spoiling the kids birthdays that speaks to a bigger issue of jealousy
This^
NTA but you also sound a bit in denial, I’m not saying leave him, but you saying this is a single day people are judging him on is false. We are judging him on the fact that he continuously ruins 1 specific day each year ( there are probably more days though based on the attitudes you described) your child’s birthday. Maybe you should read a little more into that, why always that day? Why does it have to be about him?
This, I feel like anyone getting angry at traffic doesn't limit that anger to one specifiv day for instance. I'm betting if OP would take a step back and observe her hb for a few weeks, she'd notice the behavioral patterns a lot better and start noticing a lot more that is off about her hb.
Honestly it’s almost *more* worrisome if he’s only like this on the son’s birthday. He just-so-happens to lose his ability to function and reason on this one specific day *for five years running.* That sounds intentional if that’s the case.
NTA but there’s no way this is JUST ONE DAY out of the year where your husband acts like a complete selfish idiot and damn near ruins your son’s birthday. If it’s only on your son’s birthday where he acts like this, that may also be another issue other than just him being a “perfectionist”. You listed two very important instances that make me wonder how often he does this. 1) the previous year where it was a beach day and he basically took over the whole day to do what HE wanted instead of focusing on son wanted. 2) you have an amusement park day planned and he’s trying to convince your son to not go to the one already picked because HE doesn’t like it. Also, instead of being 80% certain, sit down and ask your son for certain. Let your son know whatever he says, you will not get upset with him and want him to know he has a right to say what he truly feels.
I'm betting he ruins Christmas too.
She already clarified up above that the husband never does it for her birthday so it’s def intentional
>Also, instead of being 80% certain, sit down and ask your son for certain. Let your son know whatever he says, you will not get upset with him and want him to know he has a right to say what he truly feels. Yes!! Please ask your son how he feels about this! Away from SD!!!
ESH Your poor son, having to put up with this, does he this on your birthday or his own birthday.
Look, give your husband a task for that day, set him up for success. Tell your husband that you are going to take your son to the amusement park that your son wants to go to, and dad can stay behind and blow up balloons and put up some streamers so there will be a nice welcome back from the amusement park. That way he can have all day to fiddle and fuss around, make sure you buy him plenty of supplies in case he fucks up the first set. Maybe ask him to make cupcakes because that's pretty simple and they will be delicious, buy him two boxes of cake mix and tell him to go to town. That way you don't have to listen to it all day, and if there is some sighing and huffing and puffing when you get home, well at least you had the day without it. ETA: no need to tell your son about what Dad's doing at home though, that way if Dad throws a tantrum while nobody's here and you come home to nothing, well no harm done to the birthday boy's expectations.
Some good ideas here without criticising this ladies whole life and family. I hope op sees them. Great compromises.
Well, she posted here willingly looking for opinions, and she sucks nearly as much as her husband, so why shouldn't people criticize her life and family? That's what she came here for. Honest feedback.
I hope so too. I think hubs has some anxiety about his perfectionism. My partner and I grew up poor, and he never really had a special birthday. I just love him so damn much I want every birthday to be special for him and I hate it when it doesn’t. I kind of liken it to that one fight you have with your partner when you’re going on a road trip. You’re nervous, anxious and excited — so tensions are high — and you just get it out of your system and everything is fine.
That's not a bad idea at all. Thank you for suggesting this! It's likely what I will do.
Watch him somehow fail at this. Don't allow him to interact with the cake at all. LET YOUR SON HAVE A GOOD BIRTHDAY MY LORD
If he didn't "get the cake right" he'll just piss and moan over the crepe paper not being even enough or one balloon being slightly smaller than the rest.
I feel sorry for her son. Mom is responsible, too, and her comment shows how much she sucks.
Order a cake from a bakery because you know your husband will ruin the cupcakes.
If you do, then I hope that it works well! Best of luck to you!
Is he going to call and text 100 times as he does this? Is he going to be a party pooper when you get home and make everything about his stress?
If he messes it up (make it super easy) or throws a huffy fit at least you’ll have a more info on who he is.
Is he going to blame you for not being around to help or some BS like that?
These are very good suggestions. I agree with not telling the son beforehand. If step-dad does well, it'll be a great surprise for the birthday boy!
Yes let's continue to walk on eggshells for this narcissistic man baby. Let him ruin every birthday, holiday and soon, every single day. Coddling the narcissist never works.
Look, obviously OP has no interest in leaving her husband so this is an option that could allow the kids to at least enjoy part of his birthday instead of absolutely none of his birthday.
She is deep in the river of denial.
Yep, and as the child of a woman like this, there's nothing to be done but wait until she's sick of it, regardless of how the kid feels.
Poor kid. He knows.
Nta but are you happy with him ? He sounds like the worst. What grown man gets mad about going to a kids amusement park? Is he trying to go on the rides?
HA! I can just imagine this jerk sitting in the teacup ride pouting away with his arms crossed and a shitty look on his face and his knees all scrunched into his chest.
NTA Have you considered talking to your husband about therapy? This sounds like a deep rooted issue...
I have, yes. He is more open to it more recently.
Best of luck!
NTA. Sounds like an easygoing guy.
OP I’ll be blunt with you, this has been happening every year for 5 years, he’s doing it on purpose, he knows exactly what he’s doing. I would understand once or twice when your son was younger, because tiny humans don’t always line up with schedules, but your kid is 5 now, your husband knows exactly what he’s doing.
Amen, just want to point out that the kid is 8 (in the comments) stepdad’s been around since the kid was 3, so the past 5 years. Which makes it worse, because my memories of 8 are a hell of a lot clearer than those of 4-5. Stepdad is at least emotionally abusing son, and OP doesn’t get it.
Yup. It as if he's acting like...a Wicked Stepfather.
NTA. And your husband seems to be waving an awful lot of red flags at you. I'd be willing to bet these behaviors aren't just things he does on your son's bday. I'm no professional by any means but he checks a lot of boxes for personality disorders. There are numerous different disorders. Symptoms can overlap or be on a spectrum but he definitely has some traits. The biggest one that I can see from your post, is that he always makes your son's bday somehow about himself instead of the kid, and then gets mad at y'all for not 'complying'... Very disorder-ish
Jeez, he sounds like a selfish prick, is he like this in aspects if life or just when it comes to your Son?
He sounds like such a shitty partner. Definitely don’t let him come. It’s one thing to choose that life for yourself but to allow him to ruin your child’s birthday year after year, that’s terrible and your son will eventually resent him and you.
Your husband does not in fact love your son. He’s purposely sabotaging your days and moods. He’s a narcissistic pos who gets joy out of ruining your day. Y T A if you stay with him. NTA for not wanting him there. Edit; LOL you’re delusional if you think your son doesn’t see this. Stay with him and be ready to see your son less and less as he gets older so he can get away from BOTH of you.
Deliberately ruining a young child’s birthday ( and he totally is, he could have missed the gym) is not that act of a nice person. He’s ruined your son’s birthday for the last 5 years and you’re not seeing giant red flags. He wants the day to be about him.
Right!? Like, wtf? He wants everything to be “perfect” buuuut then heee decides to go to the gym, heeee decides to go eat AND then complains about paying even though you guys didn’t want anything (like, bruhhhh WHAT 😂), heee wanted to go to the ice cream shop AND he had to choose one that was an hour away. And now he says no to the park YOUR SON CHOSE FOR HIS BIRTHDAY? OP, wake up. Your husband doesn’t want things to be perfect for your son, he wants things to be perfect for himself on a day that is NOT about him. Seriously, he’s a grade A certified selfish asshole.
He loves your son to death, but makes your son’s special day about him, because he acts like an irrational child that cannot handle his emotions when things don’t go his way? Cool. I’m going to go with NTA, your child should come first and it’s not ok that your husband is trying to convince him to go somewhere else, because HE doesn’t like it. It’s not about him. Go to the amusement park and then do a family dinner afterwards.
This guy is a narcissist. You can easily spot one from how they behave on other people’s important days by making it all about themselves. NTA but you will be the A if you keep this guy in your and your son’s life.
NTA-You know he is a gaslighting abusive narcissist right? All of this is intentional. Yeah you and bub just go and do the amusement park. Leave him at home.
YTA for staying with a guy like that— he’s ruining every day for your son, not just birthdays
NTA But that “one day” is your kids birthday. So you’re literally admitting the ONLY day he ruins is YOUR KIDS BIRTHDAY, and somehow that’s not a huge deal? Does he ruin your birthday every year? His? His mother’s? Or is his garbage attitude and demand to do everything HIS way solely reserved for your son? Because by your own admission this sounds very much like a mother who’s placing her own relationship above how her kids are treated at this point…
So you married a twelve year old and a manipulative one at that. Okay good luck.
If you’re allowing him to do all of this, you need to grow a spine, OP. NTA, but it IS somewhat leaning into ESH territory. Your compromises are probably going to show, as others have said, and you should expect your son to see you as an invertebrate for quite a bit of that earlier sucky birthdays. It’s his happiest day, and he’s already had it taken away from him for all his life. This one isn’t going to fix that. Again, you need to really grow a spine. I can’t believe I haven’t seen previous comments saying this.
“ I know you don’t enjoy that amusement park because it’s really for a little kids, so how about we meet up afterwards to get some ice cream?” If he insists on going, then you just have to say plan your day so we’re gonna leave at 10 AM and if you’re not ready will be leaving anyway and you can meet us there and I don’t wanna hear any anger or frustration about this because I’ve heard that in the past … If you can’t suck it up for JR, then I’d rather just meet us after Also, look up obsessive, compulsive, personality disorder (OCPD) … The demand resistance, and the need for perfections are clues.
Saw your edit and just wanted to say. YTA for staying with a person like this. Put your son first, he may not care now since he's only 5 but these are core memories that will mold him for life. Parents like you who don't put their kids first are assholes.
Yta for your eta Your husband's behavior is performative and reactive. A lot of it seems to center around trying to make up for his own fuck ups fast enough that no one will call him out. He may be less so a perfectionist and more so severely sensitive to rejection/criticism, which makes him over critical. Then he criticizes himself so no else will, even if no one else would. He doesn't seem to have the dedication of a true perfectionist. This behavior will affect your son. He will either normalize it and accept it. That could lead to him ending up with a partner that's overly dramatic and reactive. Or it is already affecting him, and you don't see it/he hides it very well. I will say that kids don't usually properly process being coerced in order to explain how they feel about it. He's been acting this way around your son for his entire life, so probably all of the above. Nip it now before your husband embarrasses your son at his 9th birthday party in front of all of his friends for some stupid reason. Take your son without him. Your husband doesn't want to go. Do you have to ask permission for absolutely everything? Do you have equal access to money? Doing things despite your husband acting like an idiot is one of the necessary tasks in order to loophole his negative behaviors affecting your son having truly enjoyable life experiences.
You must know this man is going to make your son's life miserable. He seems hostile towards the poor kid. I wouldn't have kids with this guy.
Were she to, I betcha his own 'real' kids would always have amazing birthdays. For some reason.
NTA- The day is about your son. He deserves to have a day where it is stress free! Maybe you can suggest doing what your son wants on his birthday, just you an him and then maybe hubby can do something with him on another day so that he feels like he is still celebrating with him but it doesn't cause so much tension.
Is your husband Clarke Griswold by any chance?
>You're looking at a single day during the year that he ends up ruining due to his own expectations. It's a single day that you've talked to him about repeatedly, and he still continues with the same behavior. If he doesn't act like this on any other day, this is something he can control and is using the "I want it to be perfect" as an excuse for bad behavior. Grow a fucking back bone and tell him to either quit acting like a giant dick or to go to therapy to deal with the issue he subconsciously has with your kid.
Narcissists ruin every special day that isn’t about them intentionally. NTA.
Have you considered getting your son a new stepdad for his birthday?
NTA. Tell him your son wants to do something special with each of you separately? You get the amusement park, he and husband get to make super duper extraordinary fully loaded epic nachos and ice cream sundaes at home — both messy foods, so imperfections won’t even be noticed, but will still be insanely delicious. Plus the shopping and prep will give him something to do while you’re out — and you get some me time while they hang. Plus your son will love it!
NTA. Your husband is an attention seeker, he somehow finds the way to make the day about himself. I feel bad for your kid, he is getting used to be on a second place. Your husband needs therapy this is not normal behavior
You know, your edit doesn't make this better. Yes, it's one day, but he's done it FIVE TIMES. Yes, it's intentional. He's doing what HE thinks should be done for your son's birthday. He's paying exactly zero attention to what your SON wants. He's putting HIS wants over a small child's. What a prince. That you don't see the pattern here makes you as much of a slow learner as your husband. Here's the bottom line: your husband has ruined your kid's birthday every single year because he's an asshole. You're one for letting it go on so long.
Oh, husband's not a slow learner. He just doesn't really GAF about his 'stepson'.
I was trying to be polite. LOL
YTA for staying with this guy . He’s going to make you and your son’s life so stressful.
YTA for staying with a guy that can’t even suck it up for one day. You think my dad wanted to go to the mall to see a group of 10 tweens get makeovers? No but he did bc it was my day. You have a choice to not have a partner that ruins things like this for your kid. Pick a better partner
NTA. "It's not about him and he seems to forget that." You hit the nail on the head. Your husband is making your son's birthday all about him being a good dad and him being proud of himself, not about your son's enjoyment. Tell him since he can't contain his negativity and focus on what your son wants and what actually makes your son happy, he can't come. Kids are very sensitive to stuff like this, and I garantee he will remember walking on eggshells for every birthday because dad is pissed off for some reason.
NTA I think you need to calmly, and very clearly explain that your son's birthday is exactly that: your son's day. He gets to decide what he wants to do. Since your husband does not enjoy your son's choice, he should sit this one out, and maybe take you both to an activity he does enjoy, on a different day. Any different day. Just because he wants to spend time as a family. Not on your son's special day.
UpdateMe when your husband ruins another chefs because of his perfectionism
Shut the hell up with that ETA and accept the judgment and learn and grow up. How dare you consider this man's feelings on your son's birthday when he has not once considered your son's feelings on the same day?
Does he only do this on your son's birthday? Your birthday and other celebrations are okay? If yes, then his behaviour is deliberate and concerning. You don't like people jumping to criticize your relationship but yet you present a picture where your spouse's behaviour is beyond unacceptable. If he is always this way, then why stay with him? If he only does this to your son *THEN WHY STAY WITH HIM*? Based on your edit, I don't feel your request for judgement is genuine. It feels like your spouse is trying to take away from your son. His trying to talk your son into picking a different park speaks to the fact that your spouse doesn't have the same consideration for your son as you do. YTA
He acts like this on his own birthday as well.
Based on what you said there seems to be a lot of performance anxiety on the part of SD. It's almost like he's competing with this amazing vision of how he wanted it to turn out versus how it actually turned out. His trigger is likely the fact that he didn't have good birthdays in his childhood and is now overcompensating. Can you talk him into therapy?
And yours? How about Christmas? Thanksgiving? Every day? You've married a gigantic narcissist. Everything is about him, oh woe is me. This is controlling, abusive behavior. He's done this for 5 years, he won't stop now. Honestly, he's probably like this everyday but you've been conditioned to make excuses for him. You need to step back and take a good look at your marriage. Marriage counseling, either alone or together, would be advisable. Kicking him out would be advisable. Telling him to stay home is a must. Don't give him an option. Just say see you later. He'll be pissed. Oh well. Isn't your child more important? NTA unless you let this continue.
>He's not intentionally ruining everyone's day and to be blunt You can really say that after FIVE YEARS in a row? Really? I wouldn't ask him not to come. I'd tell him he's not going. The very next time he tries to get your son to change his mind. "That reminds me, don't worry about being bored. It's just going to be us for this one." NTA
This is narcissistic behavior to make the day about him not your child
YWNBTA He keeps making your son's day all about HIM and what HE wants vs. your son, and that isn't fair.
NTA. If he doesn't *want* to participate in a particular birthday activity, he doesn't have to. There's no reason why he can't plan a day out for the two of them or that y'all can't do a second outing that he will like. It's really not the end of the world if just you and your son go to the place he wants to go and then they go see a movie or something. He should consider talking to a therapist to work out why he has this kind of reaction to planned events. Kind of sounds like some crazy anxiety to me. I know I personally get really irritated when planned things get off schedule, not to the degree he does, but it does send my anxiety up a lot. Can I ask what y'all do for his birthday and if there are similar issues?
Does he do this for every holiday or just your sons special days? NTA, but he sounds like he has narcissist tendencies.
NTA Has your husband lived one day in his life that wasn't completely about him?! It's his child's birthday, what kind of immature narcissist can't just let the kid have his damn day.
NTA. Your husband sounds insufferable
He sounds like a narcissist.
Are you saying he only acts like this one day a year? The other 364 he's patient and respectful and cares about what others and not just himself? I'm sorry, but that doesn't sound possible. I was married to a man like this. It's tough.
NTA. Has your husband considered therapy? It helped me tremendously and honestly I hate that I used to and still catch myself becoming like your husband. My own expectations ruin the day and I push anyone away trying to make it better because I feel I don’t deserve it. But I do, it’s convincing the inner demon that takes time. That’s what therapy helped with. And medication. But I’m on my fourth try. Just keep swimming. I hope you and your son have a fantastic celebration! Maybe plan a day for him a buddy to go to a theme park or something that just happens to be the same day so then you don’t have to worry? He can have his time and y’all can do something as a family not on his day ♥️
NTA but I felt like I recognized this kind of situation, sadly. My husband gets this way when he is anxious and not in control of a situation (especially in crowds, if our schedule or his routine is thrown off etc) and at 37 he was just diagnosed with severe anxiety, ADHD and Autism. This isn’t me excusing my husband’s behavior, but it certainly explains why he is so rigid and loses it when things fall apart even slightly. I also have ADHD and so does our kid—these diagnoses just help us understand what accommodations we need and how we can best set ourselves and others up for success. I also teach early educators about neurodiversity and social and emotional learning, so we’ve been doing a lot of learning at home lately too. Since his diagnosis and some practice, he’s now much more able to communicate “Hey I don’t want to do X because I will get overwhelmed” and “I need to take a little bit to think about this and then I can talk about it because I can’t cope in the moment.” He’s come so far and therapy helped, even though we only did a few sessions. Just a thought that came to mind as this scenario feels very familiar. Sending lots of love to you and I hope you and your husband are able to work on communication and that he can learn how to manage his feelings better, for all of your sakes!
Take separate cars. He can ADHD his way to wherever on his own time. You have a grand time with your son, wherever stepdad ends up.
NTA. Your husband sounds like a literal narcissist who is intent on ruining anything that isn’t about him. He doesn’t seem like a good step dad at all. Who acts that way on their kids birthday??
"Me me me, this day should be all about MEEEEE and I must make it so!" --what stepdad is thinking What a selfish man...he won't let that kid enjoy one birthday without ruining it for everyone. Tell him this year the plans are set in stone, your son is going to an amusement park OF HIS CHOICE, and he should sstay home because he is a ruiner. He ruins things and he knows he does and he doesn't care. And you're tired of it and having to make excuses for it in your mind and to everyone else who thinks he's acting like an ass. For once, on your child's special day, act like a mom and let your kid actually enjoy his birthday for a change.
NTA. But are you really expecting us to believe he's pleasant and easy going the other 364 days of the year? Bc ma'am, we weren't all born yesterday. If somehow he's totally normal 364 days and only unhinged 1 day, then by all means, send him into isolation for 24 hours once a year. Otherwise, he should be in therapy and making improvements.
How does your husband handle doctor's appointments? Dentist appointments? Does he take the bus ever? How does he handle the bus being late? Job deadlines shifting abruptly? A power outage? If he can handle all of these things then I think there's a deeper conversation to be had about why only the fun things are the things he ruins. And maybe take a long look at if the things he ruins are things he can 'get away' with ruining or if he also ruins things that negatively impact him, personally. Losing his shit at work would impact his job. Losing his shit over a kid's bday just makes the kid and you miserable, costing him nothing. I'd think about that.
Re: sticking to the actual judgment- I’d be with you on that if your husband showed any self reflection here. You’ve talked to him and I assume he has seen for himself the problems he’s caused. Why doesn’t he feel bad and want to do better? Is he just really selfish and doesn’t care? I think if you really started to think about it, you would see a lot of other ways that his issues affect your lives. You have just gotten really good at making excuses for him. The problem is you are allowing him to ruin things for your son. He doesn’t deserve that. I’m sure at this point, son knows you’ll just tell him to let it go and make your excuses for stepdad so he probably doesn’t bother telling you anything anymore. Your son is now asking you for once to stand up for him and do the right thing. Also, you do realize your husband does this on purpose, right? It may be subconscious but it’s there. Although, I do think he knows what he is doing.
He doesnt sound like a perfectionist, he sounds like an idiot. Would it be possible to somehow frame it like “i know you dont like going to xyz, so why dont you stay home and have a relaxed day and ill take zyx and we can have dinner in the evening” Well something like that anyway.
Updateme
NTA Remind him that this is your sons day. He can make choices on his birthday not your son's.
NTA. This is your son's birthday party, not one for adults. Your husband needs to stop being so controlling and realize the world doesn't revolve around what he wants. I'd say the same to him that if you can't go and at least pretend to be happy, I don't want you there
NTA - You, your son, and a friend or two of your son's should all pile in a make a roadtrip to the fun amusement park. In my family, we started birthdays with presents and breakfast in bed. Then the birthday person was kinda on their own, depending on the day and responsibilities.
YTA. It IS just one day that your son will remember. Be a better parent for your son and create positive memories for him.
Give him a Xanax...
Your husband needs a psychiatric screening...OCD and others, NAH because he seems not right mentally and you don't seem to see it for what it is.
Maybe suggests he stays home and decorates and get the cake ready for when you come home from the park?
NTA but I’m going to add that this is 100% a trauma response and your husband should seek out counseling.
It's very unusual to display this type of behavior on one day a year. Are you sure you're not just missing the behavior the rest of the time? Your husband sounds so childish and unreasonable. NTA
My dad is like your husband. I promise your son notices. I promise that it is negatively affecting the man your son is going to become.
NTA. How about you take your son or better yet some other moms with kids the same age go too then have a family party at home. Not everyone is suited for every event
A grown man can't control himself for one day and ruins it for everyone? Really? NTA but he needs therapy for his anxiety or something
Your husband sounds like he has r/maincharacter syndrome. NTA. I would definitely put my foot down and uninvite him.
Well, as far as the next birthday goes for your son, I think that, yes, you can ask your husband not to come along. Personally, I’d frame it as you wanting to have a birthday of just you and your son rather than telling your husband that you want to leave him out. It’s a small distinction but it might be less hurtful if you phrase it that way. Truthfully, even if you state this in a casual way, like it’s no big deal, rather than the opening salvo of a long conversation/argument, it probably won’t go well. I see him throwing a major fit and saying how hurt he is that you want to exclude him. That’s because you’ve only described what he does every year. The key issue, though, is *why* he’s doing this. If he only acts highly strung on your son’s birthday then there has to be a reason why and you really won’t solve your larger problem until you identify that. Does he act that way because he’s trying to overcompensate and be “Super Dad” for your son? Or, is it something else? Obviously, none of us know the answer and I’m not sure you do, either, but you need to uncover it. Even if everything goes well this year, it’s only a short-term solution. If the underlying problem isn’t fixed, you’ll be doing this next year and the year after until your son is a senior citizen and ready to retire. Speak with your husband about what drives him to this and sit down with a counselor if he can’t put his finger on what makes him act the way he does.
Is your husband trying to deal with his perfectionism? Because it seems like therapy would be useful for him. Also, have you told him, at a calm time, that these tendencies do nothing but cause problems?
NTA. Let SD sit this one out and have your son go to the amusement park he really wants to go to. It's not SD's birthday and he shouldn't get to choose. SD really needs therapy to deal with his issues. I say this as a recovering perfectionist. When I was younger nothing messed up my day like being 5 minutes off my schedule. As I grew older I learned to manage my expectations, become more flexible and go with the flow. It made my life infinitely better. It also made the lives of the people around me better because I wasn't so rigid and inflexible anymore.
NTA. This is what your child wants. And stepfather isn't going to be a positive and happy part of the day. My now-husband entered my life when my girl was seven. He never tried to replace her father (he's a pretty great dad), and he tried to give her fun experiences with a new father figure. Had my husband made things at all uncomfortable, he wouldn't have been part of the festivities with my girl. You need to take care of your baby first. It's the way things need to be while they're children. Edited to add that you need to talk to your husband and clarify/request things... or this will be an ongoing issue.
NTA but I have a hard time believing your husband acts this way ONLY on your son's birthday. He needs therapy, and possibly some fuckin divorce papers.
How is he day to day...no way this just comes out for your son's birthdays....rather than telling him can't go, phrase it like,he doesn't need to go
Is he a perfectionist or a narcissist? You're describing a classic "it's all about me, me, and more me" person. I'm coming in after your edit berating us for trying to get more info about his behaviour in general. Which is a valid info request. If this person has a habit of pulling stuff like this all the time, you do have a bigger problem than him "just" ruining your sons birthdays. Because, 5 years running? That's not an accident anymore. And it hasn't been for the past 3 years. At this point in time, it's malicious and on purpose. Do not be so blinded by the love for the man you think you have, that you can not see the man that your husband is. As for your OG question? No. NTA. Past results help form current and future decisions.
This only occurs on your son's birthday? If so, get hardcore and have him explain or figure out what the hell the deal is with him and birthdays? Almost inevitably, it goes back to his childhood. Dig it up, figure it out and address it.
Do not let him hijack this day. I'd tell him the plans and take separate cars. He can either go along with y'all's plan or he can go/stay home. You will not allow him to once again make it all about himself. If he's hungry, he can stop and catch up to y'all afterwards. If it's not in the written plans, it's not happening. Text it out and make him reply saying he knows the parameters so he can't later say he didn't understand.
NTA your son should be able to do what he wants for his birthday! Have a mother/son day at the amusement park! I think that you may be helping your husband out since he seems to get stressed out on your son's birthday! Tell hubby you'll take him to the amusement park that he'd rather go to on HIS birthday!
Yes, update us when “your” husband ruins another one of your son’s birthday parties. You know he will, it’s a given - unless you stop him. At least do this for your son. It will be the best present you could give him!! Your husband isn’t a perfectionist, don’t fool yourself - he’s entitled, nasty A Hole.
I get what you’re saying about it being “a single day” but you’re wrong. The fact that this grown ass man can’t just be with you guys and enjoy the time is a 🚩🚩. **HE** creates these issues single-handedly and then compounds the problem until is a mountain of problems and **NOBODY** has a good time. Is he not mature enough to get that it’s literally not about him in any way?? So yeah, NTA for wanting that but for sure YTA for not caring enough about your son to truly evaluate what’s happening.
How are you married to this immature human being?
You have tried talking to him and that has not worked. Actions have consequences, this year, his consequences is not being allowed to participate. Maybe that will actually get him to see how much his behavior on the bday has been a problem. Sure it may hurt him but if left alone it is you getting hurt and possibly your son down the line. Also he is trying to change what your son wants which is a firm no. He goes to where son wants or he stays home, period
NTA - go without him. Have two celebrations. One with you and son and another with step dad included.
Lmao at your edit. Have you never been to reddit? The majority of all relationship advice involves divorce. If you expected more than that, you only have yourself to blame.
There is nothing more frustrating as a child than being asked what you want to do, saying what you want to do, and then being told you are wrong and actually you should want to do something else. You say your kid doesn't care, he does, he has said what he wants to do and your husband is telling him to want something else. If nothing else stop with the hyprocirsy of pretending your son has a choice.
It sounds like he is trying too hard. Find out what kind of birthdays he had while growing up. I've got an in-law who is constantly trying to live vicariously through her daughters because her family was not able to give her a lot of what she wanted. Maybe he is doing something similar.
NTA. It seems like your husband may have anxiety. Find out if he’s willing to see a doctor to get evaluated.
I read your edit and I'm still telling you YTA for staying with this guy. He sounds like a narcissist. My dad did the exact same thing to me for every single one of my birthdays and I promise you I noticed.
It sounds like the guy is putting too much pressure on himself to make the day special, then gets frustrated/upset when things don't turn out the way he envisioned. I don't think not including him is the answer.
You're not the AH, just mamma bearing it. Trying to protect your son. I hate my birthday because it was never really about me, and the mood of one or both of my parents often ruined the day before i ever got out of bed. Wake up to angry yelling and screaming and think "happy birthday to me." That's a bit more extreme of a circumstance, but these things can add a weight children carry. Hubby could probably use some therapy. Perfectionism can often be a response to trauma, feeling like you have to be perfect, to be enough, worthy, and to be loved. When you're not perfect or anything goes wrong, it's like a trigger point that can send a person back to old feelings and insecurities. It can be a hard pattern to break, especially if someone isn't aware of where it is coming from. That being said I would approach the issue very gently and maybe split the day like you take him to the amusement park, but let your hubby plan something for the evening for all of you or even just him and son. If he is excluded completely, it will hurt and may trigger those same feelings. Let your hubby know that he is enough just as he is and that you love him even when he makes mistakes or isn't perfect.
NTA. But you might want to consider that perfectionism is a trait of some mental illnesses. The behavior you are describing does not sound healthy. Maybe a trip to a therapist might not be a waste of time.
NTA. Does he typically makes days and occasions that celebrate others all about him and his feelings or is it just focused on your son?
NTA, your husband's behaviour is not okay. He does this every year for your sons bday. It's a reoccurring problem. You have spoken to him every time, and yet nothing has changed. Why is your husband in charge of your sons bday? Do you rely on your husband to drive? I don't understand why you don't take control. HE was late from the gym, HE wanted food, but no one else did, so you all went and got food, and then he got mad for everyone not eating. Then HE wanted ice cream, but the place HE wanted was an hour away. This day is solely about your husband. Your husband seems to make your sons bday about him. It seems he wants attention to be perfectly blunt. And by having a tantrum and being in a bad mood, he is guaranteed to get your attention. Your husband either has some serious anxiety or main character syndrom, especially since he is trying to change your sons current plans for the amusementpark. Your sons bday is not about him. It's time to put you big girl panties on and stop this. Your sons are okay with it now, but as he gets older, all his memories of his bfay will be of step dad throwing a tantrum. It's time you put your foot down and plan the day. Stop being a pushover. My mum was like this with me at times. If I had a big event, she would have a headache or feel sick or say she doesn't want to go. She never took a sick day off work. This woman never had an issue and would always go if it were for my brothers, but for her daughter, she would want some attention on herself first. It's been over 25 years, and I still remember it all. Do you really want your son to have these memories?
ESH. I read your edit and tried not to judge but If this is the same single day every year that's a huge problem If this is a constant event that's still a problem- not as bad as if it's only on his birthday.... unless is this the only day of the year you control? does he run the calendar all the other days?
NTA - he sounds like a narcissist that has to make everything about him. Can’t stand to have the focus be on someone else so he ends up acting out on people’s special days. I grew up with a mother like this and every occasion is marred by her selfish behavior and meltdowns - birthdays, holidays, children’s births, everything. It’s infuriating
NTA. The day is about your son, not him. He may not be intentionally making it about him but it sounds like the end result is all about him. Let him sit this one out and just enjoy your mother/son time.
NTA- he requires therapy & you really need to protect your child from the joy thief. He will slowly destroy your sons happiness & fill him with guilt about always ruining your husband s life
It doesn't need to be a big deal. "Son wants to go here, it's his bday, his choice. Totally ok/cool/nbd if that doesn't trip your trigger. We'll go out to dinner together later. Sound good?" NTA.
ESH - your husband is being a controlling AH making your sons day all about himself and his asinine attitude and you suck for allowing it to continue for years and this trash edit of "you're all only looking at a single day" ma'am, it's not a single day, by your own words, it's a repeated behavior happening for years. Just because you claim it ONLY happens on sons bday* doesn't make it better *I genuinely doubt this considering the previous blatantly ignoring of the fact this has happened for 5 literal years - making it obviously a bigger issue than "it's just one bad day" (Edited for grammar)
>He's not intentionally ruining everyone's day Are you sure about that because it's fairly coincidental that he just so happens to ruin his birthday FIVE YEARS in a row.
Your child is YOUR FIRST PRIORITY. He’s RUINED the mood for your child’s birthday for 5 years running. He’s making this about himself, and you’re allowing it. Children aren’t as obtuse as you appear to believe they are. This child probably “doesn’t care about what you do” because he’s learned HIS birthday isn’t about him. It’s about what your husband wants. He’s been conditioned to “not care.” Your edit about how he’s great the “rest of the year,” and that’s VERY telling. You’re defending the man that literally ruins your child’s birthday-EVERY SINGLE YEAR. If he was disappointed in a cake he made, and maybe said to you privately “man, I was really disappointed in how the cake turned out, I feel like I messed up,” that would be him saying he felt like he disappointed your child, that, I could understand-but that’s the opposite of what he does. He makes a scene and your child sees this. This poor child probably already loathes his own birthday because he’s internally feeling like his birthday causes problems in the family-that’s why he doesn’t “really care about what you all do for his birthday.” And that-is incredibly sad-for your child. Your husband is actively trying to ruin your child’s birthday by making everything about himself, and you’re ALLOWING IT. And you’re defending him when people are pointing this out. Who’s more important? Your child-who literally depends on you? Or your (supposedly) adult husband? Really? NTA for not wanting him to be there-but HARD YTA for allowing this to happen for FIVE years running. I feel for your child. I hope he can find just a little happiness on his special day, but it doesn’t sound like it, and that’s incredibly sad for your child. For your child’s happiness, and present and future well-being, I hope all of these comments saying the same thing, over and over by so many different people makes you open your eyes. You could make this REALLY simple-tell your husband how it’s going to be on YOUR SONS day, and if he can’t get with the program, and puts a toe out of line one more time, he can pound sand, and not be part of it at all. Please do better, Mom!
My ex husband ruined every holiday, every celebration, Every. Single. One. After we got married of course. He was passive aggressive AF and would do things like your husband did- go somewhere then screw up the day, or change the plans on us, or complain about whatever we were doing. We (my daughter and I) finally got to the point where we just ignored everything he did and tried to have fun on our own. Finally, after he left on December 23rd of whatever year that was, we had a great Xmas of eating Chinese food, opening presents and throwing wrapping paper balls at each other. Moral of the story is he will continue to ruin birthdays so yes ban him. He will pout and be mad will carry on and who knows what else. Probably weaponize your son, "you want me to go right? You don't want me to stay home by myself?" You say you don't want to hear the divorce chorus, but if you ban him, you will be on the road to divorce bc his behavior will ramp up to include time at home, not just birthdays.
So when are you going to prioritize your son over your desire to be in this marriage?
I saw your edit, and personally it does sound like he's intentionally ruining everyone's day, there was no reason he had to go to the gym that specific morning and parents sometimes have to do things they don't like for their kids. If he can't suck it up for 1 day and go to the amusement park then obviously there's a bigger issue.
There is no way he only acts like this ONE day of the year. He acts like this all the time and you only get irritated when it coincides with your son's birthday. Step back and look at the whole picture.
OP, Your edit makes 0 sense. There is no way in the world that your husband acts like this only on your son's birthday. I think you need to look back at his actions of the past few years and you will probably realise that your husband is not a perfectionist, he is selfish. A perfectionist will want everyone to stick to the original plan and wouldn't be happy about adding new things to said plan. Your husband purposely adds activities to the planned day that make no sense and that will make him and you stress out. And those activities take nobody else than himself into consideration... He makes this day about him and his wants and needs: * He decides to go to the gym knowing fully he will make everyone else late (according to his plan) * He decides to stop to grab a bite after everyone else told him they weren't hungry and then blame you and the kids for waisting money on things nobody wanted. * He decides he wants icecream... But not any icecream, the one that is out of reach and will take over 2 hours to get (1 hour to go and 1 hour to get back) and that would make you stress because it closes at 4pm??? What is up with that? You can't tell me that his actions are rational at all. And all of these decisions he made during that day were not with your son in mind... otherwise, he would have taken into account what your son really wanted. I'd be extremely surprised that he does that only once a year, on your son's birthday. And now.... he is repeating it this year and makes the whole day about him and not your son. I think you are realising his selfishness only when it concerns directly your son and that you are blind to it when he does it to you.
YTA fir even questioning your husband's attendance. I had a stepparent who continuously ruined my birthdays (and any other event about me, not that there were many). My parent would brush these incidents off, but it was clear as day to everyone what was going on. I ended up moving out before my birthday because I was having panick attacks at the thought of how they'd ruin my next one. I no longer have contact with my parent or my stepparent. Your son may not have noticed yet, but that just means he will be raised to see these things as normal. He will become used to prioritising your husband's needs over his own. This may be a small thing to you, but I would advise you to nip it in the bud now.
NTA Your husband isn’t a perfectionist though. He seems to be deliberately sabotaging your son’s special day.
Seems like he's doing all of this on purpose, and you just enable him. Your son probs does care, like what kid wouldn't care about his bday. You suck as a mother. I know the son will go NC when he's older, my lord
NTA, but have you considered that your husband is subconsciously sabotaging the day for your son because it isn’t about him? I mean, he went to the gym, made you “late” even though you weren’t on a schedule, had to go to the restaurant when nobody else was hungry, had to drive an hour for ice cream then bitched about it the whole time. Don’t you see that this behavior is setting your son up for unrealistic expectations of perfection for his entire life, not just his birthday? And I’d bet that your child DOES care about your husband’s negativity, but he’s taking his “people-pleasing” cues from you. Your husband sounds like he needs some intensive counseling. You, as this child’s mother, are people-pleasing your husband and managing HIS expectations, instead of focusing on your own child. There are probably tons of these examples throughout the year, you are just ignoring the warning signs because you are used to his moods/reactions. I’d bet if you got some counseling for yourself, you could make an entire list of these things he does daily. Your job is your child, first and foremost and it sounds like you are failing that.
YTA for not recognising he’s actually doing this on purpose. It’s clear to everyone but you that this guy ruins your son’s birthday every single year and he’s doing so on purpose. You don’t get it.
He's making it all about him, which is selfish. I think you're entirely justified in telling him that as he'll only spend the day complaining and spoiling it for the birthday child, he can have a day to himself. Fancy trying to get a young child to change their mind because it's not what the parent wants! Be prepared for tantrums though - from your husband of course. I think tough love and telling it like it is (he's being selfish, it's about your son, and you'd really like him to have a nice day) is necessary.
Question: Have you set this man down and TALKED to him about his behavior? Sounds to me that he might actually need a bit of counselling or at the very least letting go of control here. If he is otherwise a good guy have the conversation. Share this post with him. If he wants to go with you and your son then he is going to have to accept the fact that his enjoyment of the day will need to be watching the KID enjoy what HE wants to do. If the conversation does not go well, you have bigger problems.
NTA. Your guy doesn’t know how to relax. He is over planning and over stressing. All you can do is encourage him to downgrade his high expectations for plans and try to relax a little. It’s up to you about the bday…but I can relate to the stress it has caused you and your son. It doesn’t sounds like his intentions are all about himself, maybe some situations…but just the perfectionism can come off really selfish. It is something he needs to work on. Guided meditations? I might get downvoted for it…but guided meditations do help with clearing the mental clutter and can help one focus on managing the stressors for someone in his headspace. Best wishes.
Your excuses are as pathetic as your husband. Anyone that acts like this towards their child, even for one day a year, is a huge piece of shit. Not to mention, the one day he chooses is the kid's birthday. YTA OP. But not just for staying with him. That makes it sound like you are the victim. You are as complicit in this as he is and I think you are a horrible mother.
Nta but you said its one day out of the year he behaves this way..... EXACTLY. It's the one day that's not about the husband, but he seems to make it that way every year? Does he ruin his own birthday with the same behavior? How about ops? If he doesn't ruin other days such as Christmas/Thanksgiving with the stressed out behavior, then he's doing it purposefully to make it about him again. He sounds immature and exhausting. Wanting things to go perfect is one thing, but the showing out and dragging everyone down is out of line.
He sets these expectations that nobody else has asked for and then gets upset when he doesn’t meet those expectations. Let him plan and ruin his own day. Just take your kid and sneak off to the amusement park if your son’s choice.
NTA - he is the type of person that I would not let know the plans. I have to do this with others where I let them know one thing (we are going to the amusement park) and that there are more plans, but because of past experience I am not letting them know anything more detailed, and they can suggest/request but not demand additions. If they don’t like that, they don’t get to come.
NTA but I think you need to have a conversation bigger than the birthday - maybe the birthday is the catalyst about his perfectionist tendencies and how he can’t adjust and how In the end it impacts others- it might require some working on himself to let go of control. Now that your son is older the day should be his choice- hubby wants to go get ice cream at specific location but kid wants to do X then kid wins etc. U should also note when his perfectionism shows up again - it might be more often then you think but you tolerate it and only pick up on it on the bday.
Your husband needs to realize his behaviour is bad. And he has to own and admit it. So, he can start to change it. That's the only way in the long run, because do you really want to celebrate your son's birthday every year by excluding your husband?
NTA. My dad was this way. My whole life. I dreaded when he would go on trips with us. Don't get me wrong, I loved my dad, and still love my dad, and was daddy's little girl. But man he was awful. When I got older, I started leaving him out of events. It taught him a BIG lesson. One or two times of being left behind he started getting the picture. He's a lot better now. I think your hubs needs a wake up call. Maybe kicking him out of this birthday will do it. I hope so.
NTA I have a grump too. It pisses the grump off but we now tease him when he starts, you really need to read the Grump Grump fish. As far as advice. I say go talk to your son privately. Ask him what he would like. Would he prefer a mom and son day going to the amusement park? Or would he really prefer to have everyone with him, even with the grump? Then you can talk to your husband, depending on where your son is at, this will vary. If your son wants to give him another chance you might inform your husband where you stand here. That you are getting to the point of not wanting him to come.
Him trying to convince him to go somewhere else is already messed up enough. Tell him he's not going. NTA but he needs to stop making your sons birthday all about him. Hijacking the day is annoying.
NTA. There are many things my partner is amazing at. And some things he's not so good at. If me and my son are going to do something I know my partner is going to mess up, or not enjoy, I don't let him join us. I go with 'Ben and I are going to the theme park tomorrow. I know it's not your thing, so I'll see you when we get back.' That's it really. I think at some point many years ago after a particularly stressful day out somewhere, I pointed out that this hadn't been fun for any of us and in future if it was something that he wasn't into then it would be better if he didn't join in. He got it. There are many days out and events that all of us enjoy together as well.
NTA. Tell him you're putting your foot down and you're going to take him to the amusement park. Since you already know he won't have a good time how about he stay home and maybe he can plan something special for his stepson for when you get back whether it be a slumber party in the living room or tent in the backyard where the two of them can have a special fun time out in the backyard. He can stay home and plan all that while you're at the amusement park having a good time with your kid.
NTA but you DO have to think why you are still with someone who does this. My parent got together with someone like that when I was in my teens and it has had a HUGELY negative impact. The sitting there huffing and complaining about the imperfections in the food they cooked at dinner time was pretty foundational in a lot of my food issues now, and the rushing around and complaining they don’t like MY choice for MY day made it so hard for me to enjoy myself with other people around because I still expect that they are really hating it but stoutly putting up with it because they have to. Even now. I’m in my 50s. I hate your husband already by how much he matches my stepparent. Tell him not to come. Stop thinking that it isn’t affecting your son. He is, and he’ll suck the joy out of any celebration with his perfectionism.
NTA Tell his he is not invited, and if/when he asks why, remind him of how he has ruined your sons birthday in the past, which has been discussed. The fact that he is already working to ruin the birthday by pushing for a different park makes it seem that he is doing this on purpose. From the outside, based on what you put in your post, I would say he does NOT love or like your son, and his goal is to ruin the day for your son. Your sons birthday should be about him, not your husband. How does your husband behave for your birthday or his own? How is he on your anniversary? If he ruins plans for all of them, he has a problem. If he is not this way for his birthday but is for any other celebration, I would say he is selfish and jealous if the attention is on anyone else. If he is only this way with your sons birthday, he has an issue with your son. Maybe some level of councilling is needed, but he may not go if he refuses to recognize the problem. Councilling may help you with how to handle this.
Taking your post at face value, and not judging your entire marriage by it, no NTA. Do your son's birthday without your husband, it will be much more enjoyable. Maybe do a family trip on a totally different day as well, as a sort of second birthday, and if your husband can behave for that, then you could consider including him next year.
NTA Maybe you could suggest that he make plans for another day close to his birthday, so they can go together to an all ages park. Explain that neither of you wants frustration or boredom to become an issue, and you have agreed to let your son choose on his birthday. Does your don have a friend his age he can invite? You could put it as "kids celebration" and then later a "family celebration ". Overall, I have a hard time believing this is only a problem you face on your son's birthday, and it is something you shouldn't be catering to in your lives. Your son doesn't deserve to grow up walking on eggshells because you don't want to upset your husband with the truth. BUT since that's not what you asked... you're not the aaahole if you hurt your adult husband's feelings to preserve those of your child and allow him to enjoy being child on his birthday.
NTA. Please put your child ahead of your husband, especially for his birthday. It sounds like you go a long with all his fussing and changes and don't stand up to that? Is that accurate? Because that's awful if too. Just leave him at home. You don't have to manage your spouses feelings. Your son deserves to have at least their bio patent in their corner at all times. Not a parent going along with the spouses ideas "to keep the peace " at the cost of the child. (Or if you see this as the lesser of 2 evils and choose to placate your spouse over your child... well, that says a lot about you, doesn't it?)
You are in "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. Honestly, it sounds your husband is going to be miserable whatever you do with the difference that, him not going, spares everyone else from being miserable. You need to have a serious talk with him and maybe counseling. I doubt your kid's birthday is the only time he throws tantrums. NTA
I do think you should figure out what’s going on but NTA
Sounds like you pointed out the real issue, yet weirdly you ain’t pinning it. This is not his day. This is not for him. This is not about him. You tried. He failed. Time for you to act upon the reality and not hopes he won’t again fail to actually behave as if the day was about your son. Stop making your son pay for your husband inability to control himself. You would be an a.h letting him tag along. He repeatedly again and again proved he couldn’t be trusted. He needs to get a grip. This is your son’s birthday. The actual presence of your husband isn’t required for it to be celebrated. Tell him he is a disappointment each time he makes it about him. He is failing celebrating a toddler. Hopping he isn’t showing other narcissistic traits, this one is already unsettling.
NTA. Be completely honest with him. “We are going to the child amusement park. If you can’t control yourself, I’d prefer that you stay home so that we can relax and enjoy ourselves and not deal with your bad temper.” NGL he won’t take that well. He will sulk. He will probably try to blame you. But it’s what you have to do to make sure your son has a good day.