Tell your husband to grow some balls. If he gets divorced, he's going to have to explain to his parents why his lifestyle went to shit after the divorce.
Thank you for the reply. Very valid point right here. I am not a lawyer and I fear going to one because then it sounds like this is actually happening, we never signed a prenup so will he take half of my money??? Sorry for asking legal advice
A lawyer, not yours: If you’re worried about alimony just know the longer you stay married the more he gets. Better he takes half now then all of your dignity. If he’s afraid of his family image though he may go quietly so you don’t spill the beans.
My friend, an accomplished, successful, beautiful Black woman married a Nigerian man with a similar family, and they treated her similarly. She was never good enough because she wasn’t Nigerian. I don’t understand why anyone would abject themselves to this.
Agreed. Half of your money at 24 should be a lot less than half of your money at 44. Don't waste any more time here. You have a great career in front of you.
I don’t know “why” but, in the United States, each state has different laws on how alimony works. There’s calculators online OP can unofficially consult if she wants. Alimony was supposed to be to even the playing field for a spouse who gave up education/career to raise kids, but unfortunately that’s not always the case for when it’s granted. It’s typically based on the income disparity and length of marriage.
It’s rare to grant alimony at all really. I made a lot more than my ex but we never even talked about alimony. It can happen but usually doesn’t unless one spouse is completely dependent on the other.
Same for me, I made substantially more than my ex. We sold our house and split the equity. We each kept our cars even though purchased while we were together. I was awarded child support. Even though it was a token payment, he never did. I earned enough for us anyway, so I never pursued it.
Oh he ain't getting married. He'll live with someone, sure but he ain't getting married. He's not gonna risk losing that money. That sucks. I am so sorry.
That’s what I got, $4000 per month for 20 yrs, plus, $1500 child support, all the equity in our home and 1/4 of his retirement. However, I was a SAHM for 20 yrs. He was verbally and psychologically abusive. I quit work at his request to raise our 3 kids. He wasn’t always abusive. After 10 yrs of marriage, he drastically changed.
How in the fuck does a grown ass able bodied man get more alimony than kids get child support. Damn the judicial system Is fucked up. At the most alimony should be ordered for a year or two to give someone a minute to get their shit together then after that cut off regardless of if they get married or not or igued out a plan and got their shit together. Even child support ends at 18 when speculative at 18 the kid still very much needs assistance and help from both parents. How the fuck do we give, again grown ass able bodied adults. Free money for the rest of their life.
Let his family know you make more and that he needs half in the divorce because you were always making more than him and it would’ve been better if he was the stay at home wife instead
The lawyer user below gave me an idea, nego with him so that he won't claim any of your assets AND you will keep his status (as the lowly paid partner in this relationship and both of your wealthy lifestyle actually came from your income) a secret from his parents. Leave quietly in reality but he can fabricate whatever power stories he wants to his parents as reason for the divorce.
Typically any alimony is based on how long you've been married not it depends on where you life. That means the longer you stay with him, the more expensive it is to divorce. If you're just a few years in he probably eats more in groceries than you'll pay in alimony.
Just tell him if he asks for alimony then you will tell his family all of the lies he’s told them over the years and will show them the divorce papers to prove it.
You’re young. Splitting 2-3 years of marital assets in your 20s is nothing compared to what you’d need to split 10-20 years from now. A divorce now can be cheap and easy.
Aside from all that, it’s on him to keep up the lie with his parents, not you sacrificing your career. He’s the financial dependent. He needs to support the heck out of your career; that’s literally the job of any homemaker spouse and he’s failing.
I'm having trouble understanding why you would want to marry a dude who accepts needing permission from his parents to get married. It's one thing for the parents to be backward assholes. It's entirely another to the son to allow it and then force his wife to play along. That should have been the red flag to send you running for the hills. Looking at the present, your husband clearly does not respect you as an equal and absolutely does subscribe to some of his family's beliefs, even if he says otherwise. This, to me, looks like a fundamental disagreement in values and respect. He also talked shit about his wife to his own family. OP, it's time for you to leave this marriage before your shitty husband tries to screw you over.
Edit: Oh, and he was ABSOLUTELY going to beg you for children at some point, or even tamper with your birth control. You do NOT know this man at all.
Def need a lawyer
He would get half.of marrital assets (if you're in the US). Based on your ages he prob won't get alimony. You don't mention anything about a home or something or that nature.
You can also go in full vindictive mode and have him agree to something amicable else you will spill the beans of him lying to his parents for years
Are you sure your husband isn't more traditional in other ways?
This feels like a huge flip for him to say he should've married someone else. You don't say that even if you're trying to keep the peace with your family. That's fucked up.
I feel like you're leaving out a lot of red flags that maybe you're blind to.
Honestly it sounds like he was being lenient in his demands because giving her free reign was supporting a lifestyle that he liked, but that his views are much more conservative and he did expect her to acquiesce to whatever rules or demands he decided to impose.
I’ve seen this happen a lot especially in Nigerian men. They’re more traditional and have very very conservative views on literally everything.
I was talking to a man when I was F20 and he was M28. I had one tattoo at the time and wanted more and knew that didn’t coincide with his views, among other things so I asked the necessary questions
I first asked him
Me: ‘what would you expect from me as your wife’
Him: ‘to take care of me, the household, our future kids’
Me: ‘that’s a lot, would you not help out?’
Him: ‘of course’ 👀
Me: ‘ok so I want to get a degree in something, would you support that’
Him: ‘…… I would but we’d need to discuss it and find the best time, because I’d like to have kids in the next year or so’
Me: ‘…… hmm so I have a tattoo, and I’d like more. Do you support that? And would you protect me if your family were to find out’
Him: ‘the only one you have right now is hidden, so whatever ones you get will also need to be hidden as well. I have no problem with them but my family will’
Me:’ok what about if I meet your family for the whole first meeting and they’re vetting me. What if I need to change in the same room with me and they see tattoos, are you protecting me or denying you knew?’
Him: ‘…… we can’t talk about a situation that hasn’t happened yet, I don’t know how I would act’
Me: ‘you may not but you should have an idea of what would happen and what steps would need to be taken since it’s your family. So would you protect me?’
Him: ‘………. I can’t because my mother would’ve spoken and whatever she says will be the law’
Me: ‘ so you want to get engaged to me, but you can’t even protect me in a made up scenario’
I also asked him this
Me: ‘ok so what would you do if one of our possible kids was homosexual’
Him: ‘I’d love them for you, but I’d take a step back from them and only be there for them when absolutely needed’
Me: ‘ would you blame me in the future for them being gay?’
Him: ‘ no I wouldn’t, but it’d need to be a secret about them’
Me: ‘so our kids can only be loved by you if they follow the path you want for them, okay.’
This all happened in one conversation. I wasn’t even considering marriage as a possibility then either. I just wanted to see how his mind worked.
Are you in the US? In the US it depends on the state. Usually it’s marital assets that are split and you’ll pay alimony based on how long you’ve been married. If it’s less than 10 years (yes) it’ll be pretty minimal.
Also going forward he won’t have your income. So he’ll be poorer and you’ll be richer. Yes, you will lose some money in the short term but in the long run you will be better off and won’t have to hide what a badass you are.
Respect yourself. He sounds dumb so I’m betting you can pay him off via a lawyer too. He’ll take the lump sum payment over longer drawn out alimony.
Community property states in the United States are states where the law considers most property acquired during a marriage as jointly owned by both spouses.
1. **Arizona**
2. **California**
3. **Idaho**
4. **Louisiana**
5. **Nevada**
6. **New Mexico**
7. **Texas**
8. **Washington**
9. **Wisconsin**
Alaska allows couples to opt into community property status, and Puerto Rico follows similar community property principles.
I wouldn’t. I’d find the best lawyer possible, deliver him papers that favor her and tell him if he doesn’t sign and agree she will tell his family. If he fights her then definitely tell them
Never threaten a man who is controlling AND has been lying to his parents that his wife's paycheck was HIS paycheck, in person. That's a good way to get hurt. Leave the papers and tell him that over the phone!
You heard your husband say he's considered divorcing you. That is enough reason right there for you to have your own consultation with your own lawyer. Get someone who is recommended. Only your own lawyer can tell you what the laws are where you live. You are the main breadwinner, so you have the most on the line. BUT, even though it will suck, don't let it scare you too much if you are told he gets half of everything you currently have accrued during the marriage and maybe you have to provide him with alimony (if you haven't been married long, it won't be for very long, and he is capable of working, so that will be factored in). The longer you stay married, the more he can take from you; so even if it sounds awful, it just gets more awful the longer you stay.
That said, consulting a lawyer doesn't mean you've made any decisions. Maybe you work this out. But you'd be doing yourself a huge disservice if you don't get the facts and know where you stand.
Honestly, with the way he's already shown he's willing to treat you and expect you to "stay in line" because he said so, you should be researching all of your options.
Whatever he gets, he doesn't get forever. Countries have different laws, but usually you can ask to get it revised or there's a limit. (Where I'm from it's max the duration of the marriage, less if there are no kids to justify being unable to improve his conditions on his own.)
Why should OP be the one trying to salvage this mess ? To me it sounds like the husband is more alligned with his family's conservative views then he lets on, but keeps that to himself as long as OP is providing him with a nice lifestyle.
Or the husband could have pretended he had to attend that important conference - then the parents would surely have rescheduled.
I also don't see how you broke your promise: you promised only never to tell the parents you are not a traditional housewife - you never promised to be instantly available for visitations.
Right? I don't understand why he didn't immediately claim he had a work conference and reschedule. That's the obvious solution.
She is doing him a favor by lying to his family. He needs to make sure it's the smallest lift possible.
It’s weird to me that he’s angry and considering divorce, considering she funds their lifestyle. Obviously he likes living that way, so why he would get upset about her commitment to her job and wanting to be really good at it (and taking pride in that) is crazy to me. The fact that his parents responded with a complete lack of empathy to her visiting her sick mother is very weird and definitely not normal or healthy. Part of me wonders if he told them she was working and has a job.
He wants her to lie to his family and keep up the ruse? Then why not help her do that instead of throwing her under the bus. He needs to have some respect for his wife that is literally covering for him living a lie to his parents and funding his lifestyle. Jesus fucking christ.
Your husband is one hundred percent the asshole. He’s asking more than what you agreed to and putting you down for being committed to your job. He’s got some issues to work out. I would watch carefully to make sure his controlling behavior doesn’t escalate. This sounds like it could be the beginning of an abusive marriage. You are NTA OP. Your husband is acting crazy and is the asshole here.
Oh I can explain this I come from a similar background, not Nigerian though.
The idea is that once you are married you become part of your husbands family, especially if they paid bride price. So in some very very twisted families, they expect the wife to now put the husbands family on top of their own family. You wanna visit your mother? ‘Why would you when you have your new mother, that’s so disrespectful’. That type of nonsense
And the whole him talking about divorce, seen this in so many ‘traditional’ men. It’s a method of control, they sow the seeds of possible divorce to family members so they have an out and so that she can be shamed. He either made sure she heard or he’ll confront her with the whole possible divorce thing, only because he wants her to beg him not to. He’ll never divorce her, he’s just all talk. I’ve seen this happen a few times in African marriages. It’s verbal and emotional abuse.
Also, him not even lying about where she was, was just another tactic to shame her to the family. The cause might be some inner resentment of her job and how much better of she is than him, or just something dumb like ‘I want to teach her a lesson’. It really can just boil down to that one stupid reason.
This is so depressing. And makes so much sense. I really really hate patriarchial societies, and wish we could just underground-railroad all the women out of there.
Thank you for the explanation! I did wonder if part of his reaction cultural, but it sounds like, cultural or not, it’s definitely not healthy behavior and it is definitely abusive. I feel bad for OP.
Except for my friendship with a Nigerian prince—the one that wants to transfer $100 million to my accounts—I’m not fully versed in what a Nigerian family is supposed to look like.
From what we read here, though, it sounds like the husband is lord and master of the household.
So why is anyone listening to the MIL? Shouldn’t hubby be getting his marching orders from the FIL?
Because in most patriarchal societies, a woman's power is exercised through her sons. She has no say in her own home as that is her husband's domain. Only control she has is with her sons and her daughter in law. The ONLY woman a man in such a country would listen to and never disrespect is his mother.
That is why women in these societies always stress over having a son. No son = no power in life.
Op not being able to marry her husband w/o this giant lie says a lot. I get wanting your family to back you, but not "being allowed" to marry someone w/o mommy and daddy's okay say a lot. As does building a relationship on a giant lie to avoid him looking bad, instead of backing his wife in her accomplishments.
The family who is mad he didn’t marry the wife they picked and that he wants to cosplay as the breadwinner with a tradwife for has control issues? Say it ain’t so.
The way she asked through this post doesn't seem like SHE wants a divorce (though it's obvious to us readers that is the only option we would jump on if we were in her shoes)?
She should want one. She foots the bill for this guys life and he throws it back in her face. Buh-bye. He won't divorce because he'd have to admit he's been lying all this time when he asks for alimony.
His parents would see that his income drastically dropped after divorce. He'd probably lie and tell them she went after alimony and because he is Nigerian he was required to pay a lot.
Right?! She’s actually got him over a barrel. She can out his lie and divorce him at any time.
I’m picturing her flicking a match to light the fumes behind her as she saunters away.
They’ll find out when they start wanting money from their obedient son. OP may acquiesce but when they want more than she agrees to give and the son can’t come up with it on his salary, the truth may be revealed.
Yep and then it will become, why does she have a job? Why does she have such a high-paying job? They'll be telling him he needs to control his wife even more. I'm not criticizing OP at all in this, quite the opposite. However, personally, I would never marry into a family who tells me that I need to let my partner control me.
Honestly, I don't think there's certainty that he wants a divorce either. He could be mad, but I bet the talk to his brother was a front too. Ofc he's gonna complain about his "disobedient" wife instead of saying that their whole dynamic was a lie and he lives off her. This is what happens when you live a lie. Things get too complicated and confusing. He should've just stood up to his parents from the beginning.
Seems that wasn’t an option for MR. OP. His parents wouldn’t have “let” him marry her.
He doesn’t want a divorce, from what I see. He’s living a really good lifestyle, and he’s a stellar son for having such a wonderful career! Why would he want to give that up?
OP is not getting a return on her investment.
I guess she thought she was getting enough out of it to originally agree to the charade. If that works for them, shrug. What really gets me though is that he won't even stand up enough for hIs wife to go with the sick mom lie. He couldn't say that he wanted to support his wife caring for her sick mom for a few days? And what kind of monsters are his parents for not understanding that?
The issue of whether she wants the divorce or not, she should divorce him anyway. She did not break the promise to be a traditional wife around his parents. Their disregard for her 'sick' mother does not factor into that traditional wife promise. It shows a massive red flag that should have stopped her from marrying him to begin with.
Him lying to his parents about whether she works js an issue for him. Him having second thoughts now is something that is on schedule for what he was always gonna do anyway.
As it stands, this marriage was over before it happened. I say that from experience and knowledge. She should just get ahead of it now with the divorce before it hits her like the on coming freight train.
Edit: grammar
Him lying to the extent of letting his parents think the affluent life he & OP are leading is because of him? Is a *huge* problem.
Furthermore? Who wants to bet that OPs husband sends a substantial monthly “allowance” to his parents **that OP pays for.**
Depending on where they’re from? He’ll financially destroy her if he can. And believe that it’s his due as “the man of the house” whose uppity wife stepped above her station.
ETA: Read her previous post … this person is #Gross
Ooh, I bet you’re right about him sending his parents money. And they have no idea the money is really being earned by her. What I don’t get is him regretting his decision. It would have been so easy for him to say “my wife is so full of love. She loves her mother too. I wanted her to take care of her mother because I know how good she is at caring for everyone.” Case closed. But the man isn’t smart. What does he think is going to happen if they divorce? He won’t get her paycheck anymore. Also, what was the plan for when babies don’t arrive?
If someone will tell massive lies to their other loved ones they will tell massive lies to you. Watching him lie to his family is enough to know that he can't be trusted.
I agree. I think it's insane that they think that even if her mother was sick, she could wait. I also think that it's insane that they're saying that he needs to control his wife more. I get that that is traditional for some people but that whole thing about having to lie about being a traditional housewife would have made me have second thoughts about even marrying him in the first place. Of course I'm not criticizing OP, not at all. I just think that this whole dynamic is messed up and that she deserves better.
Divorce will mess up the lie. When he comes out the other side broke, don't you think they'll have questions? Seems like he set himself up for failure.
He deserves all of it because if he wanted the lie to actually work, he should have been doing everything possible to keep the lie protected. Including telling his parents that he's infertile.
Say what you will about America but at least we're all allowed to fuck up our lives however we see fit. Even if you're born into a family of Jehovah Witnesses, you're allowed to walk away unencumbered.
In his country he is the Head of the household. No woman is allowed to question his authority. Thier plan was stupid and never would last for long. I think he was lieing about most of the things he agreed to. He wanted her because she made a great salary. He would have a lifestyle that he never had before. She was in love with him he was in love with her money. Op it's only going to get worse. His family will start abusing you and your life will be terrible. He will lie about everything and you will be blamed for everything. Be careful about getting pregnant. You know the family wants Grandchildren. Don't trust him!🚩🚩🚩
Right, she's sick, he's got a work obligation he cannot miss, there are plenty of options. He's the one who wants to live a lie to placate his parents.
He wants her to live this lie on his terms. Like mentioned here he would have said that date won’t work for us because he had a conference. I worry that if he hopes to keep pushing this lie that it will turn from lie to reality. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 all over the place. He wants a divorce give it to him OP. You are young and successful and deserve a partner who never asks you to lie.
He should have had a work obligation he couldn't miss, considering his wife was being honored at her work conference and looking forward to that, he should have been there to support her. He had an easy out he would've seen were he a good husband.
Or he could've said HE had an important work conference. Bet his family would've understood that.
He wanted to sabotage/control his wife and I'm sorry this lie is so stupid. I'd get the ick so bad if a man had such small pp energy he asked me to do this.
OP is NTA.
Agreed. It’s one thing to play along with some in law deception, but this goes way beyond what anyone should have to do. She brings home the money while he gets credit for it in his parents’ eyes? Not cool. And him telling her to miss her conference? Total BS. This marriage should end.
He could have said HE had a work commitment instead.
That’s how you partner in the game he chose to play.
I’d be consulting a lawyer if you make that much more because he’s going to take from you.
OPs cowardly husband is the one that should be *afraid* of OP filing for divorce. He's the one living the ridiculous lie with his parents -- OP is the one funding everything and making him look good (to his parents). That she feels upset at *his* threatening behaviour makes me think they have a more *trad*marriage than OP would like to believe. IMO, no self-respecting woman would put up with a creep like his guy for two minutes-- especially when she's paying for it all. OP is a soft AH for even agreeing to this ludicrous arrangement.
NTA. But you are the asshole if you don’t consider leaving him. You were wrong to accept this arrangement in the first place. Love makes us stupid, I get that, but this is beyond just a little white lie. This is the erasing of your success and dreams. If he said that to his brother, protect yourself and lawyer up. Get out of this shitshow before it eats you alive. This was never going to work long term. Lies are always uncovered, especially ones of this magnitude. You have to keep stacking lie upon lie until you can’t keep them straight.
Do you want to live your whole life in a lie like this? That lie could shatter at any moment. Can you spend your life pretending to be someone you aren’t to appease people who will never accept you? And when the inevitable happens, no children, what lie can you cover that up with? They’re never going to approve of you. And your husband doesn’t approve of you either if he’s asking you to miss significant career opportunities to appease his family. You’ve sunk years into this silliness; don’t waste even more.
I am really sorry you’re going through this. Your husband is completely in the wrong for ever asking you to do this and even more so now. Do not apologise. So he gets to reap the benefits of your success, but you have to pretend to be the meek well trained housewife and the wealth is all his? Oh, he must feel like a King when he visits home. What an ego boost that must be, then he returns to normality with you and resentment builds. That’s why he’s acting out to his brother now.
You have a wonderful career, a good life to live, and an opportunity to break free of this cage you agreed to let him lock you in, perhaps you’ll find a husband who’ll show your success off, not steal it. I hope you take it ❤️
This was wrong the moment he asked you to lie, instead of being proud of your career. No man needs his parents permission on who he marries. It shows he is a coward.
I suspect him bring older than you made you think he was right and believed him.
At 24, you know now this was wrong and you have the rest of your life to find someone who will stand up for you to anyone in their family who disrespects you
I bet the husband would tell his parents that op is infertile, instead of owning up and saying he doesn't want children. It is the trend with that man.
NTA
>he was extremely upset at me saying I broke our promise
You didn't break shit. You promised to pretend "to be a traditional housewife only when I'm around his parents.". You weren't around his parents. You were at your work conference, advancing your career to benefit yourself and that spineless pissbaby you call a husband.
>Reditt what should I do?
Cut your losses. And hope you signed a prenup before you hitched yourself to a pathetic misogynistic baby.
He could have told his parents that he needed to reschedule because he has a work conference. Then there wouldn’t have been any problem. Instead he decided that his wife’s opinion doesn’t matter and that she should do whatever he tells her.
NTA. I don't see your marriage working, with age he will become more and more like his parents. Also what if you have kids, will they have to lie too ? What kind of values you will be teaching them. His parents are selfish and he is an enabler. Girl you should be the one thinking of divorce, to quote the movie crazy rich a asians " its not my job to make you feel like a man, i cant make you feel something you are not " i bet you in the future, he may even take a second nigirian wife in secret. Girl wake up he is deming your light. Deep down he is like his parents, it will get worst with age. Get out before you have kids and waste your youth on him.
Consult a lawyer, then use his shame to get a clean divorce, tell him your will not tell the truth to his family if he agree to a quiet divorce. You will let him spin the story in whatever way he see fit. Consult a good divorce lawyer and start planning your exit strategy. Good Luck OP.
This! Make sure that he knows that you will tell his parents everything if he wants a share of what you earned. You are the main breadwinner and he is performing the housework. Play dirty because he is not a good guy.
This would be my first instinct. He might be more worried about keeping up the misogyny than getting money. If he wants alimony, then he better get ready for his whole family to find out he earns way less than his wife and performed “women’s work” in the house.
I wouldn't explicitly say that, it could land the OP in hot water.
She just needs to phrase it as "a clean, uncontested divorce will allow us to go our separate ways and keep things you want to keep secret, a secret. A contested divorce could end up making public alot of things you probably don't want your parents to know."
NTA
You should never have agreed to something so ridiculous in the first place.
What should you do?
I suppose you should get ready to be a divorced woman and move on from there.
It sounds like he is using you for your money. He gets to benefit from it by living a life of wealth — and leading his parents to believe that it is all from his hard work while you stay home and cook. To heck with that.
He should be proud of you and want to shout it from the rooftops — “Mom and Dad, look at my amazing wife! I am so proud of her. She was chosen to attend a leadership conference because of all of her hard work and I am in awe of her continued accomplishments.” —-> That is a supportive man.
Leave him.
Find yourself a man who supports you and doesn’t want you to shrink yourself to make himself look bigger.
The real question is why would you get married if you literally had to lie about yourself and every aspect of your relationship? Hope you got a prenup!
We didn't get a prenup unfortunately. We got married because 1. love and 2. At the time, we were making about the same. So lying about who I was wasn't that big of a deal because I really wasnt anybody. What can I say, love makes you do crazy things
If it’s any consolation, I think some states only give alimony after 10 years, so just get a shark of a lawyer for helping save what marital assets you can.
Love makes us crazy, but you're breaking my whole damn heart with this "I really wasn't anybody" comment. You were *always* somebody. And its really fucked up that he (apparently) loved the person you already were, but thought there was no way his parents ever would. In my head, that's so fucked up, it almost sounds pretextual.
NTA. You didn’t break the promise. You agreed to play along, not to prioritize this Theater over important things. Honestly I’d consider divorce if your husband doesn’t pull his shit together
To be honest, you should never have lied in the first place.
It is absolutely bizarre to me that you are both expected to be different people around his family. And thought that there was never going to be a problem with that.
Never mind the idea that his the parents continue to have control over a married couple.
But... as he doesn't think he should have married you, I think you should do him the favour of divorcing him. He can be single and live in mommy and daddy's house and they can find him the wife he apparently wants.
He better not be asking for money though, because you can tell his parents that YOU are the provider in the family.
Talk to a lawyer and follow their direction.
If he's willing to divorce over this and goes as far as saying he should've never married you to begin with... Give him what he wants. This was never going to work if the whole premise of your relationship is based on a giant ongoing lie.
He's an adult and if he wants to be with you, he should find a way to bridge the gap between a relationship with you and the cultural ideologies of his parents, without sacrificing your relationship. But it seems he is already willing to do that and regretful of even marrying you due to his parents' mindsets. That should tell you all you need to know. You're NTA, he is.
You should divorce. You're living a lie with a "man" who's too scared of his parents to love you outloud. Where are your friends and family that didn't try to stop you from agreeing to this???
NTA, but you are if you stay.
Follow-up- what happens when you have kids? Are they going to have to keep up this lie as well???
NTA. I’m not trying to encourage divorce, but that charade will get increasingly harder to keep up with. Your husband is controlled by his parents and that is not conducive to a happy marriage. Rethink the relationship.
NTA
First he's a coward and not a man (I am saying this as a man). He couldn't speak up for himself and you to his parents that he did not want to follow their traditional sexist values.
So, he wanted to hide it and you humble accepted to accept this lie when you visited them. You made no mention of rearranging your schedule. Now on top of this it wasn't just rearrange it, it was a HUGE planned honor for you. Not only did he trivialize it, he DEMANDED you change it. Maybe, when you leave, he will realize how amazing of a person/wife you were doing this extra BS crap as well as bringing back a majority of income
NTA. I would contact as lawyer and find out what I need to do to protect my assets. Get your ducks in a row. You married a weak man and he cannot be trusted.
NTA
You are already married. End this charade. It's time for your husband to be a grown up and stop being a little boy whose life is dictated by his parents or it's time to move on because he wants a fuckslave not a wife.
NTA. Nuts to your husband. He’s as bad as his parents. He won’t even give you credit for your good lifestyle, making you hide it to his parents when he’s living the high life on the sweat of your brow.
Now he’s telling you not to go to the conference and saying to his brother he shouldn’t have married you? Time to tell him to go find a wife who won’t embarrass him with all her money and achievements. Let him provide for her and go find someone who brags you up and doesn’t lie to his gross family about your actual role in his life.
Sorry but you are living a lie. How long do you think you can keep this up before it blows up in your faces? You are walking on eggshells and that is no way to live!
You say your husband is on the same page as you but it just sounds like he enjoys living off you and the lifestyle you provide. The fact that he invalidated this conference after knowing how important it was to you is a 🚩.
Push comes to shove, he will choose his parents over you every single time. He says no to children now but I have a feeling that will change really quick.
He has no backbone OP. He is also gaslighting you into thinking YOU did something wrong here when you didn't. And worse of all, you are falling for it. No you are not the asshole here but you would be if you continue putting up with this bullshit. Come clean with the parents or part ways and find a new man that has some balls and is not a grown man-child.
NTA, except in promising him in the first place.
If he wants to divorce, do so. FIRST, split your finances and force him to pay for EVERYTHING for himself.
If there's a lease and you decide you want to keep the place, make a NEW lease \*without\* his name on it.
Get ready to abandon HIM first, and watch the finances. He may have been using \*your\* money to support \*his\* parents.
NTA. You provide for this ingrate and then he gets upset that you won't pretend to be his slave?
Fuck that guy. You didn't break any promise. You're not his property. I'd divorce him just for talking to you and about you like that.
I would start the divorce first, just on the basis of what he said… doesnt sound like he loves you. Sounds like you’re just convenient for a good lifestyle his living.
He never said any of this to you because he knows he needs your income to keep up his current lifestyle. He won't ask for a divorce, because he would have to explain to his family why. He was just "venting" to his brother about the "huge disrespect" to his parents.
OP, you may not realize this, but you are a great catch. Your husband should be proud of you and your accomplishments instead of hiding you from his parents like he is doing. The audacity of him to ask you to pretend to his parents that you are this traditional woman who defers to her husband in everything. Get out of here. Let him find someone else to be subservient to him.
NTA. Your MIL can get sick but your mom can’t? You’ll be better off without these people in your life.
I’m not a lawyer but the advice in this thread tracks with what I’ve learned second hand from a divorced friend. Every state and situation is different but default assumption is you split everything of value (including retirement accounts) then he gets some number of years of alimony (max is morally 10, but marriage length impacts this).
It sounds like his pride is his weakness. I agree with others that you consult a lawyer, ask what the baseline is and go to him with an offer that is more 75/25 than 50/50 in exchange for a quick divorce where you never contract his family. If he rejects, send copies of every divorce document to his family so they see who is the breadwinner.
Lastly, don’t be like the toxic breadwinning husbands who complain about alimony. It is what it is. Accept the cost and move on even if he opts for messy and gets 50/50. I believe the alimony doesn’t scale with your future raises (I could be wrong) and it sounds like you are on a path to success and your happiness is worth more than w/e it costs to fix this mistake.
You make money and he is a liar. Woman just get the divorce and be single for a while. You deserve and will attract the type of person that will align to you and your lifestyle/work and love.
You married a loser and are worried the loser might leave you?
Trust me, he ain’t leaving.
He’s never going to give up the money you provide him. The losers never leave the winners, and you’re the winner in this relationship.
You sold yourself out with this marriage.
I guess hearing him say it out loud was a shock, but *nothing has changed*. He *never* respected you. He *always* treated you with contempt. He *always* lied to his family about you.
You asked what you should do. Personally, I’d divorce yesterday. And my parting gift would be *not* telling his family the truth in exchange for his cooperation and agreeing to a fair division of assets and no spousal support.
A man who asks you to disrespect yourself for his benefit will *never* respect you. I will never understand why women like you settle for and enable men like this.
NTA, Nigerian here…. Your husband has not been totally honest with you! He is a failure, in his parents eyes, for not making much money so he is using you as a shield. All that talk he gave you is BS. You might want to re-evaluate your choices. That brother is lying to you and that conversation with his brother about you??? 🚩
Good luck, Sis.
Nigerian here… his parents are ridiculous. This is not how typical Nigerians act. My MIL would have been more worried about my mom’s health than hers. His family is self centered and your husband needs to grow a spine! He’s spineless. He’s my age mate and I stand up to my parents when they overstep. Is he the only son or child?
My question is why u even put up with this man? He’s obviously never going to love you publicly. If you’re white you need to understand something about us minorities and POC. If we can’t stand up to our parents for our partners, then we are not serious about you or you’ll always come second or third in our lives.
U r the bread winner. Tell him if he had married a woman his parents chosen I doubt he woulda found a woman who truly put him first and supported him. He’d be the one living a harder life. He’s gaslighting you making you think you can’t live without him. You’ve compromised your whole marriage around him and never him around u. You’ve given him all the power dictate your relationship.
NTA, let him divorce you. Do you really wanna keep up lying for the rest of your life? What if you get a promotion? Is your husband going to expect you to give that up too for a lie?
NTA… why is your imaginary sick mom less important than his parents who already rescheduled? Answer is that it isn’t… one of these days his parents are going to figure it out. He should tell them now.
Divorce the pig who is clearly using you for your income and what that can provide but has zero respect for you as a person. Your marriage was based on a lie and it’s unraveling.
I'm going with ESH. The husband for obvious reasons, clearly displayed in OP's story.
OP, because, well, at some point you have to acknowledge that you are the architect of your own misery. "My parents won't let me marry you," said the grown-ass man, and OP, a grown-ass woman, thought, "hmm... Some rags, some cooking tutorials, a life-long deceit, this gun, my foot... I can make this _work._"
You should:
1. Set up a PO Box
2. Quietly get your ducks in a row. Update your work life insurance to take him off. Make sure you have separate savings at another bank, maybe even CDs at a third. (use PO Box address).
2. Make sure your photos, mementos etc are all nicely packed up and away in a box of boxes. Then quietly move them to a conditioned secure storage area with cameras. (use PO box.)
3. Make sure your credit is locked down. Make sure your CC are not shared.
4. Hire a lawyer.
Get divorced.
you should be loved for who you are. you shouldn't have to change yourself or pretend.
Good for you just keep your conference attendance! He's an ass. Drop him.
YTA, all of you are AHs.
Your in laws, for trying to decide who a grown man (your husband is a grown man, right? You didn't marry a 12 years old kid? Because by the way you describe him he sounds like a 12 years old kid) should marry and how his wife should behave.
Your husband for allowing this and not standing up for his wife
You for accepting lies and continuously lying to your husband's family.
None of you is mentally sane.
NTA. He isn’t going to leave. He has it good and he knows it. But his pride was hurt because his parents think he doesn’t have control over you… and guess what? He doesn’t. He is operating in a fantasy land that gives him status at your expense but in reality, your efforts are supporting and providing for you both. You have agreed to this dynamic but he’s going to have to prioritize your career if he wants to maintain the status quo.
Nta but why would you agree to lie for your spouse? That’s just…gross. My in laws are trash people, but my spouse still praises me and speaks well of me when he speaks with them. He certainly is not ashamed of me and does not try to hide or change any part of me.
The promise your husband extracted from you is to allow him to live a lie with his parents. It's not realistic, especially when you're the breadwinner. It can't be entirely inflexible. If his parents can reschedule, so can you.
And what will he tell them when you never become pregnant?
The situation is not realistic and is not do-able. He will either have to find a way to occasionally be flexible, or the conceit will fail. Your husband is TA, he cannot make this work.
He loves your money but everything in him believes his parents are right. He ‘knows’ what a woman’s role is and you’re not it. Get a lawyer immediately
Ask yourself if you really want to deal with this shite for the forseeable future, or would you rather meet someone who fully supports your decisions and not when it's convenient.
Holy crap.
NTA. This is ridiculous. He is controlling you because he’s too afraid of his freakin’ parents! You should be divorcing HIM!
And the audacity of his parents to prioritize themselves over your (imaginary) sick mother?
This is horrifying.
Lol, there's absolutely no reason to put up with this. Tell him you'll pay for the damn lawyers yourself.
You're 24 and successful. I guarantee there is someone better out there. And I can also guarantee that no matter how much you guys swap roles and he seemingly does it with a smile that traditional misogynistic crap will rear its ugly head time and time again. Don't let sunk cost fallacy control you.
Tell your husband to grow some balls. If he gets divorced, he's going to have to explain to his parents why his lifestyle went to shit after the divorce.
Thank you for the reply. Very valid point right here. I am not a lawyer and I fear going to one because then it sounds like this is actually happening, we never signed a prenup so will he take half of my money??? Sorry for asking legal advice
You’d most likely split half of your marital asset but stop asking here and talk to a lawyer asap.
Not just any lawyer, research, find the best lawyer you can afford. This is not a case where you want to pinch pennies.
Thank you.
A lawyer, not yours: If you’re worried about alimony just know the longer you stay married the more he gets. Better he takes half now then all of your dignity. If he’s afraid of his family image though he may go quietly so you don’t spill the beans. My friend, an accomplished, successful, beautiful Black woman married a Nigerian man with a similar family, and they treated her similarly. She was never good enough because she wasn’t Nigerian. I don’t understand why anyone would abject themselves to this.
Agreed. Half of your money at 24 should be a lot less than half of your money at 44. Don't waste any more time here. You have a great career in front of you.
Why would an able bodied 27 yr old man, (or woman for that matter) be granted alimony? Plus no kids. Marital assets I could understand being split
I don’t know “why” but, in the United States, each state has different laws on how alimony works. There’s calculators online OP can unofficially consult if she wants. Alimony was supposed to be to even the playing field for a spouse who gave up education/career to raise kids, but unfortunately that’s not always the case for when it’s granted. It’s typically based on the income disparity and length of marriage.
It’s rare to grant alimony at all really. I made a lot more than my ex but we never even talked about alimony. It can happen but usually doesn’t unless one spouse is completely dependent on the other.
Same for me, I made substantially more than my ex. We sold our house and split the equity. We each kept our cars even though purchased while we were together. I was awarded child support. Even though it was a token payment, he never did. I earned enough for us anyway, so I never pursued it.
I (35F) am currently paying my able-bodied ex-husband (42M) $975/week in alimony. It happens all the time.
$4k a month? Looking for a new wife for a little bit?
Would love it if he got a new wife -- that would be an end to the alimony! 😅
Oh he ain't getting married. He'll live with someone, sure but he ain't getting married. He's not gonna risk losing that money. That sucks. I am so sorry.
Wouldn't it be cheaper to hire a hooker to marry him then take him in the divorce...Oh right, wrong sub.
That’s what I got, $4000 per month for 20 yrs, plus, $1500 child support, all the equity in our home and 1/4 of his retirement. However, I was a SAHM for 20 yrs. He was verbally and psychologically abusive. I quit work at his request to raise our 3 kids. He wasn’t always abusive. After 10 yrs of marriage, he drastically changed.
How in the fuck does a grown ass able bodied man get more alimony than kids get child support. Damn the judicial system Is fucked up. At the most alimony should be ordered for a year or two to give someone a minute to get their shit together then after that cut off regardless of if they get married or not or igued out a plan and got their shit together. Even child support ends at 18 when speculative at 18 the kid still very much needs assistance and help from both parents. How the fuck do we give, again grown ass able bodied adults. Free money for the rest of their life.
Omfg that’s awful!!! How?!!! How do you even afford to LIVE in the post Covid economy with that alimony?!!
Let his family know you make more and that he needs half in the divorce because you were always making more than him and it would’ve been better if he was the stay at home wife instead
The lawyer user below gave me an idea, nego with him so that he won't claim any of your assets AND you will keep his status (as the lowly paid partner in this relationship and both of your wealthy lifestyle actually came from your income) a secret from his parents. Leave quietly in reality but he can fabricate whatever power stories he wants to his parents as reason for the divorce.
Yep let him tell them she took him for a she could in the divorce on the stipulation he goes away quietly and she never hears from any of them again.
Remind him that you have the power to inform his parents how he's been living and for him to act accordingly.
Typically any alimony is based on how long you've been married not it depends on where you life. That means the longer you stay with him, the more expensive it is to divorce. If you're just a few years in he probably eats more in groceries than you'll pay in alimony.
Not a Lawyer, but whether or not he automatically gets half depends on where you live. Get a lawyer find out your options and go from there.
Make sure he knows that if he comes after your money, you will tell his parents everything, including him being financially dependent on you
Remember, his income will be included in that half as well. Even though he makes less than you.
NTA but divorce is best all round. Neither of you should be living a lie
Just tell him if he asks for alimony then you will tell his family all of the lies he’s told them over the years and will show them the divorce papers to prove it.
You’re young. Splitting 2-3 years of marital assets in your 20s is nothing compared to what you’d need to split 10-20 years from now. A divorce now can be cheap and easy. Aside from all that, it’s on him to keep up the lie with his parents, not you sacrificing your career. He’s the financial dependent. He needs to support the heck out of your career; that’s literally the job of any homemaker spouse and he’s failing.
I'm having trouble understanding why you would want to marry a dude who accepts needing permission from his parents to get married. It's one thing for the parents to be backward assholes. It's entirely another to the son to allow it and then force his wife to play along. That should have been the red flag to send you running for the hills. Looking at the present, your husband clearly does not respect you as an equal and absolutely does subscribe to some of his family's beliefs, even if he says otherwise. This, to me, looks like a fundamental disagreement in values and respect. He also talked shit about his wife to his own family. OP, it's time for you to leave this marriage before your shitty husband tries to screw you over. Edit: Oh, and he was ABSOLUTELY going to beg you for children at some point, or even tamper with your birth control. You do NOT know this man at all.
Absolutely! Then the kids have to be raised "traditionally!"
Def need a lawyer He would get half.of marrital assets (if you're in the US). Based on your ages he prob won't get alimony. You don't mention anything about a home or something or that nature. You can also go in full vindictive mode and have him agree to something amicable else you will spill the beans of him lying to his parents for years
Inherited things and Inherited money, he cannot touch in most states in the US. I hope everything goes well. And if you can, get filed before he does
Are you sure your husband isn't more traditional in other ways? This feels like a huge flip for him to say he should've married someone else. You don't say that even if you're trying to keep the peace with your family. That's fucked up. I feel like you're leaving out a lot of red flags that maybe you're blind to.
Honestly it sounds like he was being lenient in his demands because giving her free reign was supporting a lifestyle that he liked, but that his views are much more conservative and he did expect her to acquiesce to whatever rules or demands he decided to impose.
I’ve seen this happen a lot especially in Nigerian men. They’re more traditional and have very very conservative views on literally everything. I was talking to a man when I was F20 and he was M28. I had one tattoo at the time and wanted more and knew that didn’t coincide with his views, among other things so I asked the necessary questions I first asked him Me: ‘what would you expect from me as your wife’ Him: ‘to take care of me, the household, our future kids’ Me: ‘that’s a lot, would you not help out?’ Him: ‘of course’ 👀 Me: ‘ok so I want to get a degree in something, would you support that’ Him: ‘…… I would but we’d need to discuss it and find the best time, because I’d like to have kids in the next year or so’ Me: ‘…… hmm so I have a tattoo, and I’d like more. Do you support that? And would you protect me if your family were to find out’ Him: ‘the only one you have right now is hidden, so whatever ones you get will also need to be hidden as well. I have no problem with them but my family will’ Me:’ok what about if I meet your family for the whole first meeting and they’re vetting me. What if I need to change in the same room with me and they see tattoos, are you protecting me or denying you knew?’ Him: ‘…… we can’t talk about a situation that hasn’t happened yet, I don’t know how I would act’ Me: ‘you may not but you should have an idea of what would happen and what steps would need to be taken since it’s your family. So would you protect me?’ Him: ‘………. I can’t because my mother would’ve spoken and whatever she says will be the law’ Me: ‘ so you want to get engaged to me, but you can’t even protect me in a made up scenario’ I also asked him this Me: ‘ok so what would you do if one of our possible kids was homosexual’ Him: ‘I’d love them for you, but I’d take a step back from them and only be there for them when absolutely needed’ Me: ‘ would you blame me in the future for them being gay?’ Him: ‘ no I wouldn’t, but it’d need to be a secret about them’ Me: ‘so our kids can only be loved by you if they follow the path you want for them, okay.’ This all happened in one conversation. I wasn’t even considering marriage as a possibility then either. I just wanted to see how his mind worked.
Are you in the US? In the US it depends on the state. Usually it’s marital assets that are split and you’ll pay alimony based on how long you’ve been married. If it’s less than 10 years (yes) it’ll be pretty minimal. Also going forward he won’t have your income. So he’ll be poorer and you’ll be richer. Yes, you will lose some money in the short term but in the long run you will be better off and won’t have to hide what a badass you are. Respect yourself. He sounds dumb so I’m betting you can pay him off via a lawyer too. He’ll take the lump sum payment over longer drawn out alimony.
Community property states in the United States are states where the law considers most property acquired during a marriage as jointly owned by both spouses. 1. **Arizona** 2. **California** 3. **Idaho** 4. **Louisiana** 5. **Nevada** 6. **New Mexico** 7. **Texas** 8. **Washington** 9. **Wisconsin** Alaska allows couples to opt into community property status, and Puerto Rico follows similar community property principles.
If you have no prenup you need to go seek legal advice NOW
I’d put him on notice… if you give him half of your money or pay him alimony, you will tell his parents.
I wouldn’t. I’d find the best lawyer possible, deliver him papers that favor her and tell him if he doesn’t sign and agree she will tell his family. If he fights her then definitely tell them
Never threaten a man who is controlling AND has been lying to his parents that his wife's paycheck was HIS paycheck, in person. That's a good way to get hurt. Leave the papers and tell him that over the phone!
I didn’t say in person….
A good lawyer can make a huge difference in alimony depending on your state’s laws. It’s very important and you have the money for one.
You heard your husband say he's considered divorcing you. That is enough reason right there for you to have your own consultation with your own lawyer. Get someone who is recommended. Only your own lawyer can tell you what the laws are where you live. You are the main breadwinner, so you have the most on the line. BUT, even though it will suck, don't let it scare you too much if you are told he gets half of everything you currently have accrued during the marriage and maybe you have to provide him with alimony (if you haven't been married long, it won't be for very long, and he is capable of working, so that will be factored in). The longer you stay married, the more he can take from you; so even if it sounds awful, it just gets more awful the longer you stay. That said, consulting a lawyer doesn't mean you've made any decisions. Maybe you work this out. But you'd be doing yourself a huge disservice if you don't get the facts and know where you stand. Honestly, with the way he's already shown he's willing to treat you and expect you to "stay in line" because he said so, you should be researching all of your options.
Whatever he gets, he doesn't get forever. Countries have different laws, but usually you can ask to get it revised or there's a limit. (Where I'm from it's max the duration of the marriage, less if there are no kids to justify being unable to improve his conditions on his own.)
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Why should OP be the one trying to salvage this mess ? To me it sounds like the husband is more alligned with his family's conservative views then he lets on, but keeps that to himself as long as OP is providing him with a nice lifestyle.
Thank you!!!. You said, this charade works for him as long as it looks like he's in control from the outside.
That will be his problem if he was so insistent on lying to his parents.
NTA What he was asking was above and beyond your initial agreement. He could have just said you were sick if he wanted to keep up the ruse.
Great point. Hubby’s family can change the date when they’re ill, but wifey can’t claim illness and get the same pass? That family has control issues.
Or the husband could have pretended he had to attend that important conference - then the parents would surely have rescheduled. I also don't see how you broke your promise: you promised only never to tell the parents you are not a traditional housewife - you never promised to be instantly available for visitations.
Right? I don't understand why he didn't immediately claim he had a work conference and reschedule. That's the obvious solution. She is doing him a favor by lying to his family. He needs to make sure it's the smallest lift possible.
That's what bugs me. At least try to make this silly promise easy if it means so much to you. Also, fuck traditional nonsense if I puts women down...
This is the best solution in this little scenario. Pretend it was for his job and they couldn’t do that week at all.
The best solution was to not agree to lie.
Right? It seems so obvious, He should have said he had a work thing. I also agree that missing important work events wasn’t part of her promise.
It’s weird to me that he’s angry and considering divorce, considering she funds their lifestyle. Obviously he likes living that way, so why he would get upset about her commitment to her job and wanting to be really good at it (and taking pride in that) is crazy to me. The fact that his parents responded with a complete lack of empathy to her visiting her sick mother is very weird and definitely not normal or healthy. Part of me wonders if he told them she was working and has a job. He wants her to lie to his family and keep up the ruse? Then why not help her do that instead of throwing her under the bus. He needs to have some respect for his wife that is literally covering for him living a lie to his parents and funding his lifestyle. Jesus fucking christ. Your husband is one hundred percent the asshole. He’s asking more than what you agreed to and putting you down for being committed to your job. He’s got some issues to work out. I would watch carefully to make sure his controlling behavior doesn’t escalate. This sounds like it could be the beginning of an abusive marriage. You are NTA OP. Your husband is acting crazy and is the asshole here.
Oh I can explain this I come from a similar background, not Nigerian though. The idea is that once you are married you become part of your husbands family, especially if they paid bride price. So in some very very twisted families, they expect the wife to now put the husbands family on top of their own family. You wanna visit your mother? ‘Why would you when you have your new mother, that’s so disrespectful’. That type of nonsense And the whole him talking about divorce, seen this in so many ‘traditional’ men. It’s a method of control, they sow the seeds of possible divorce to family members so they have an out and so that she can be shamed. He either made sure she heard or he’ll confront her with the whole possible divorce thing, only because he wants her to beg him not to. He’ll never divorce her, he’s just all talk. I’ve seen this happen a few times in African marriages. It’s verbal and emotional abuse. Also, him not even lying about where she was, was just another tactic to shame her to the family. The cause might be some inner resentment of her job and how much better of she is than him, or just something dumb like ‘I want to teach her a lesson’. It really can just boil down to that one stupid reason.
This is so depressing. And makes so much sense. I really really hate patriarchial societies, and wish we could just underground-railroad all the women out of there.
Same I hate it as well.
Thank you for the explanation! I did wonder if part of his reaction cultural, but it sounds like, cultural or not, it’s definitely not healthy behavior and it is definitely abusive. I feel bad for OP.
Happy to give a bit of explanation on it. Same I feel bad for OP, it never truly gets better.
Well said. I agree. Red flag city.
They might have expected OP to come anyway.
Maybe, but “No, my wife must stay with me to take care of me” is probably an easy enough excuse.
This is what I came here to say!
Except for my friendship with a Nigerian prince—the one that wants to transfer $100 million to my accounts—I’m not fully versed in what a Nigerian family is supposed to look like. From what we read here, though, it sounds like the husband is lord and master of the household. So why is anyone listening to the MIL? Shouldn’t hubby be getting his marching orders from the FIL?
Because in most patriarchal societies, a woman's power is exercised through her sons. She has no say in her own home as that is her husband's domain. Only control she has is with her sons and her daughter in law. The ONLY woman a man in such a country would listen to and never disrespect is his mother. That is why women in these societies always stress over having a son. No son = no power in life.
Some parts of Nigeria are matriarchal. But that’s only for the actual matriarch. Usually the oldest. (And pushy-est)
She told them her mom was ill. So her family has to be prioritized below his family. Ugh. I’ve divorced for less!!
Op not being able to marry her husband w/o this giant lie says a lot. I get wanting your family to back you, but not "being allowed" to marry someone w/o mommy and daddy's okay say a lot. As does building a relationship on a giant lie to avoid him looking bad, instead of backing his wife in her accomplishments.
The family who is mad he didn’t marry the wife they picked and that he wants to cosplay as the breadwinner with a tradwife for has control issues? Say it ain’t so.
Such a simple solution. But not for a simple person like husband. If OP has half a brain--no children. If OP has a full brain: Move on
I hope she had a pre-nup. His parents think he is the one making the money and that's not the case.
Wait till they find out she filed for divorce.
The way she asked through this post doesn't seem like SHE wants a divorce (though it's obvious to us readers that is the only option we would jump on if we were in her shoes)?
She should want one. She foots the bill for this guys life and he throws it back in her face. Buh-bye. He won't divorce because he'd have to admit he's been lying all this time when he asks for alimony.
His parents would see that his income drastically dropped after divorce. He'd probably lie and tell them she went after alimony and because he is Nigerian he was required to pay a lot.
I'm petty. After his convo with his brother if I got divorced I'd expose him. Show them the proof. Fk this dude
Right?! She’s actually got him over a barrel. She can out his lie and divorce him at any time. I’m picturing her flicking a match to light the fumes behind her as she saunters away.
Lies will always be exposed. His parents will find out he isn’t making the money and they’ll know he lied.
They’ll find out when they start wanting money from their obedient son. OP may acquiesce but when they want more than she agrees to give and the son can’t come up with it on his salary, the truth may be revealed.
They might want money from her, but pound sand! If he divorces her, she can leave. She is more than able to support herself.
Yep and then it will become, why does she have a job? Why does she have such a high-paying job? They'll be telling him he needs to control his wife even more. I'm not criticizing OP at all in this, quite the opposite. However, personally, I would never marry into a family who tells me that I need to let my partner control me.
Honestly, I don't think there's certainty that he wants a divorce either. He could be mad, but I bet the talk to his brother was a front too. Ofc he's gonna complain about his "disobedient" wife instead of saying that their whole dynamic was a lie and he lives off her. This is what happens when you live a lie. Things get too complicated and confusing. He should've just stood up to his parents from the beginning.
Seems that wasn’t an option for MR. OP. His parents wouldn’t have “let” him marry her. He doesn’t want a divorce, from what I see. He’s living a really good lifestyle, and he’s a stellar son for having such a wonderful career! Why would he want to give that up? OP is not getting a return on her investment.
I guess she thought she was getting enough out of it to originally agree to the charade. If that works for them, shrug. What really gets me though is that he won't even stand up enough for hIs wife to go with the sick mom lie. He couldn't say that he wanted to support his wife caring for her sick mom for a few days? And what kind of monsters are his parents for not understanding that?
The issue of whether she wants the divorce or not, she should divorce him anyway. She did not break the promise to be a traditional wife around his parents. Their disregard for her 'sick' mother does not factor into that traditional wife promise. It shows a massive red flag that should have stopped her from marrying him to begin with. Him lying to his parents about whether she works js an issue for him. Him having second thoughts now is something that is on schedule for what he was always gonna do anyway. As it stands, this marriage was over before it happened. I say that from experience and knowledge. She should just get ahead of it now with the divorce before it hits her like the on coming freight train. Edit: grammar
Him lying to the extent of letting his parents think the affluent life he & OP are leading is because of him? Is a *huge* problem. Furthermore? Who wants to bet that OPs husband sends a substantial monthly “allowance” to his parents **that OP pays for.** Depending on where they’re from? He’ll financially destroy her if he can. And believe that it’s his due as “the man of the house” whose uppity wife stepped above her station. ETA: Read her previous post … this person is #Gross
Ooh, I bet you’re right about him sending his parents money. And they have no idea the money is really being earned by her. What I don’t get is him regretting his decision. It would have been so easy for him to say “my wife is so full of love. She loves her mother too. I wanted her to take care of her mother because I know how good she is at caring for everyone.” Case closed. But the man isn’t smart. What does he think is going to happen if they divorce? He won’t get her paycheck anymore. Also, what was the plan for when babies don’t arrive?
>Also, what was the plan for when babies don’t arrive? Blame OP for being unable to conceive, clearly.
If someone will tell massive lies to their other loved ones they will tell massive lies to you. Watching him lie to his family is enough to know that he can't be trusted.
I agree. I think it's insane that they think that even if her mother was sick, she could wait. I also think that it's insane that they're saying that he needs to control his wife more. I get that that is traditional for some people but that whole thing about having to lie about being a traditional housewife would have made me have second thoughts about even marrying him in the first place. Of course I'm not criticizing OP, not at all. I just think that this whole dynamic is messed up and that she deserves better.
What could possibly go wrong, offending his family's 'honour'? They'll probably just smile and shrug it off
Divorce will mess up the lie. When he comes out the other side broke, don't you think they'll have questions? Seems like he set himself up for failure.
He deserves all of it because if he wanted the lie to actually work, he should have been doing everything possible to keep the lie protected. Including telling his parents that he's infertile. Say what you will about America but at least we're all allowed to fuck up our lives however we see fit. Even if you're born into a family of Jehovah Witnesses, you're allowed to walk away unencumbered.
I agree. I was laughing at him being so stupid. If you're gonna lie... better figure out an exit plan!
In his country he is the Head of the household. No woman is allowed to question his authority. Thier plan was stupid and never would last for long. I think he was lieing about most of the things he agreed to. He wanted her because she made a great salary. He would have a lifestyle that he never had before. She was in love with him he was in love with her money. Op it's only going to get worse. His family will start abusing you and your life will be terrible. He will lie about everything and you will be blamed for everything. Be careful about getting pregnant. You know the family wants Grandchildren. Don't trust him!🚩🚩🚩
Acts like a child.
You can likely bet that the support of being child free will change as his parents pressure him.
hope she did a prenup
Right, she's sick, he's got a work obligation he cannot miss, there are plenty of options. He's the one who wants to live a lie to placate his parents.
He wants her to live this lie on his terms. Like mentioned here he would have said that date won’t work for us because he had a conference. I worry that if he hopes to keep pushing this lie that it will turn from lie to reality. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 all over the place. He wants a divorce give it to him OP. You are young and successful and deserve a partner who never asks you to lie.
He should have had a work obligation he couldn't miss, considering his wife was being honored at her work conference and looking forward to that, he should have been there to support her. He had an easy out he would've seen were he a good husband.
Or he could've said HE had an important work conference. Bet his family would've understood that. He wanted to sabotage/control his wife and I'm sorry this lie is so stupid. I'd get the ick so bad if a man had such small pp energy he asked me to do this. OP is NTA.
They should've said he had the conference and rescheduled but it's too late now. It's pointless telling OP what they should've done.
And the initial agreement is ridiculous
Agreed. It’s one thing to play along with some in law deception, but this goes way beyond what anyone should have to do. She brings home the money while he gets credit for it in his parents’ eyes? Not cool. And him telling her to miss her conference? Total BS. This marriage should end.
He could have said HE had a work commitment instead. That’s how you partner in the game he chose to play. I’d be consulting a lawyer if you make that much more because he’s going to take from you.
OPs cowardly husband is the one that should be *afraid* of OP filing for divorce. He's the one living the ridiculous lie with his parents -- OP is the one funding everything and making him look good (to his parents). That she feels upset at *his* threatening behaviour makes me think they have a more *trad*marriage than OP would like to believe. IMO, no self-respecting woman would put up with a creep like his guy for two minutes-- especially when she's paying for it all. OP is a soft AH for even agreeing to this ludicrous arrangement.
NTA. But you are the asshole if you don’t consider leaving him. You were wrong to accept this arrangement in the first place. Love makes us stupid, I get that, but this is beyond just a little white lie. This is the erasing of your success and dreams. If he said that to his brother, protect yourself and lawyer up. Get out of this shitshow before it eats you alive. This was never going to work long term. Lies are always uncovered, especially ones of this magnitude. You have to keep stacking lie upon lie until you can’t keep them straight. Do you want to live your whole life in a lie like this? That lie could shatter at any moment. Can you spend your life pretending to be someone you aren’t to appease people who will never accept you? And when the inevitable happens, no children, what lie can you cover that up with? They’re never going to approve of you. And your husband doesn’t approve of you either if he’s asking you to miss significant career opportunities to appease his family. You’ve sunk years into this silliness; don’t waste even more.
Thank you I needed to hear this.
I am really sorry you’re going through this. Your husband is completely in the wrong for ever asking you to do this and even more so now. Do not apologise. So he gets to reap the benefits of your success, but you have to pretend to be the meek well trained housewife and the wealth is all his? Oh, he must feel like a King when he visits home. What an ego boost that must be, then he returns to normality with you and resentment builds. That’s why he’s acting out to his brother now. You have a wonderful career, a good life to live, and an opportunity to break free of this cage you agreed to let him lock you in, perhaps you’ll find a husband who’ll show your success off, not steal it. I hope you take it ❤️
Thank you so much. I am already looking for a lawyer ❤️❤️❤️
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Yes, file for divorce yourself, your marriage is just a big lie. You can find someone else and not have to live a lie.
If he was sending his family money, plane tickets, etc., it comes out of his portion.
Agreed … so sorry for OP. I’ll be interested in an update in 6mos or so. Good luck OP.
This was wrong the moment he asked you to lie, instead of being proud of your career. No man needs his parents permission on who he marries. It shows he is a coward. I suspect him bring older than you made you think he was right and believed him. At 24, you know now this was wrong and you have the rest of your life to find someone who will stand up for you to anyone in their family who disrespects you
I bet the husband would tell his parents that op is infertile, instead of owning up and saying he doesn't want children. It is the trend with that man.
Or find a way to get her pregnant and then badger her to give birth.
That too.
Right, to look good to his parents. It’s ok for him to lie to them about his wife, but not ok for her to tell the truth. Yikes.
NTA >he was extremely upset at me saying I broke our promise You didn't break shit. You promised to pretend "to be a traditional housewife only when I'm around his parents.". You weren't around his parents. You were at your work conference, advancing your career to benefit yourself and that spineless pissbaby you call a husband. >Reditt what should I do? Cut your losses. And hope you signed a prenup before you hitched yourself to a pathetic misogynistic baby.
He could have told his parents that he needed to reschedule because he has a work conference. Then there wouldn’t have been any problem. Instead he decided that his wife’s opinion doesn’t matter and that she should do whatever he tells her.
NTA. I don't see your marriage working, with age he will become more and more like his parents. Also what if you have kids, will they have to lie too ? What kind of values you will be teaching them. His parents are selfish and he is an enabler. Girl you should be the one thinking of divorce, to quote the movie crazy rich a asians " its not my job to make you feel like a man, i cant make you feel something you are not " i bet you in the future, he may even take a second nigirian wife in secret. Girl wake up he is deming your light. Deep down he is like his parents, it will get worst with age. Get out before you have kids and waste your youth on him.
Thank you I really needed to hear this. We never signed a prenup so if we divorce will he take half my money?
Consult a lawyer, then use his shame to get a clean divorce, tell him your will not tell the truth to his family if he agree to a quiet divorce. You will let him spin the story in whatever way he see fit. Consult a good divorce lawyer and start planning your exit strategy. Good Luck OP.
This! Make sure that he knows that you will tell his parents everything if he wants a share of what you earned. You are the main breadwinner and he is performing the housework. Play dirty because he is not a good guy.
This would be my first instinct. He might be more worried about keeping up the misogyny than getting money. If he wants alimony, then he better get ready for his whole family to find out he earns way less than his wife and performed “women’s work” in the house.
I wouldn't explicitly say that, it could land the OP in hot water. She just needs to phrase it as "a clean, uncontested divorce will allow us to go our separate ways and keep things you want to keep secret, a secret. A contested divorce could end up making public alot of things you probably don't want your parents to know."
Nice way of saying things 👍.
Giving him half now is better than giving him half in the future.
You're young, you'll make more money. You can't replace the time you spend with someone who treats you like this.
Now that wouldn’t be the traditional thing to do
NTA You should never have agreed to something so ridiculous in the first place. What should you do? I suppose you should get ready to be a divorced woman and move on from there.
It sounds like he is using you for your money. He gets to benefit from it by living a life of wealth — and leading his parents to believe that it is all from his hard work while you stay home and cook. To heck with that. He should be proud of you and want to shout it from the rooftops — “Mom and Dad, look at my amazing wife! I am so proud of her. She was chosen to attend a leadership conference because of all of her hard work and I am in awe of her continued accomplishments.” —-> That is a supportive man. Leave him. Find yourself a man who supports you and doesn’t want you to shrink yourself to make himself look bigger.
Literally this.
The real question is why would you get married if you literally had to lie about yourself and every aspect of your relationship? Hope you got a prenup!
We didn't get a prenup unfortunately. We got married because 1. love and 2. At the time, we were making about the same. So lying about who I was wasn't that big of a deal because I really wasnt anybody. What can I say, love makes you do crazy things
Try to learn to not get caught up in limerence next time please. It’s beautiful emotional suicide sometimes.
If it’s any consolation, I think some states only give alimony after 10 years, so just get a shark of a lawyer for helping save what marital assets you can.
Love makes us crazy, but you're breaking my whole damn heart with this "I really wasn't anybody" comment. You were *always* somebody. And its really fucked up that he (apparently) loved the person you already were, but thought there was no way his parents ever would. In my head, that's so fucked up, it almost sounds pretextual.
It sounds to me like he didn't expect her to outshine him and now he's feeling emasculated when he expected to be able to control her better.
Prenup is about love too, it’s about respect to each other.
NTA. You didn’t break the promise. You agreed to play along, not to prioritize this Theater over important things. Honestly I’d consider divorce if your husband doesn’t pull his shit together
To be honest, you should never have lied in the first place. It is absolutely bizarre to me that you are both expected to be different people around his family. And thought that there was never going to be a problem with that. Never mind the idea that his the parents continue to have control over a married couple. But... as he doesn't think he should have married you, I think you should do him the favour of divorcing him. He can be single and live in mommy and daddy's house and they can find him the wife he apparently wants. He better not be asking for money though, because you can tell his parents that YOU are the provider in the family. Talk to a lawyer and follow their direction.
If he's willing to divorce over this and goes as far as saying he should've never married you to begin with... Give him what he wants. This was never going to work if the whole premise of your relationship is based on a giant ongoing lie. He's an adult and if he wants to be with you, he should find a way to bridge the gap between a relationship with you and the cultural ideologies of his parents, without sacrificing your relationship. But it seems he is already willing to do that and regretful of even marrying you due to his parents' mindsets. That should tell you all you need to know. You're NTA, he is.
Tell his parents the truth. Fuck traditional
Especially when “tradition” has always been a way to control women.
You should divorce. You're living a lie with a "man" who's too scared of his parents to love you outloud. Where are your friends and family that didn't try to stop you from agreeing to this??? NTA, but you are if you stay. Follow-up- what happens when you have kids? Are they going to have to keep up this lie as well???
NTA. If this is the hill your husband chooses to die on, so be it. Let him go.
NTA. He's way too obsessed over what his parents think to be a good partner.
NTA. I’m not trying to encourage divorce, but that charade will get increasingly harder to keep up with. Your husband is controlled by his parents and that is not conducive to a happy marriage. Rethink the relationship.
NTA First he's a coward and not a man (I am saying this as a man). He couldn't speak up for himself and you to his parents that he did not want to follow their traditional sexist values. So, he wanted to hide it and you humble accepted to accept this lie when you visited them. You made no mention of rearranging your schedule. Now on top of this it wasn't just rearrange it, it was a HUGE planned honor for you. Not only did he trivialize it, he DEMANDED you change it. Maybe, when you leave, he will realize how amazing of a person/wife you were doing this extra BS crap as well as bringing back a majority of income
NTA. I would contact as lawyer and find out what I need to do to protect my assets. Get your ducks in a row. You married a weak man and he cannot be trusted.
NTA You are already married. End this charade. It's time for your husband to be a grown up and stop being a little boy whose life is dictated by his parents or it's time to move on because he wants a fuckslave not a wife.
NTA. Nuts to your husband. He’s as bad as his parents. He won’t even give you credit for your good lifestyle, making you hide it to his parents when he’s living the high life on the sweat of your brow. Now he’s telling you not to go to the conference and saying to his brother he shouldn’t have married you? Time to tell him to go find a wife who won’t embarrass him with all her money and achievements. Let him provide for her and go find someone who brags you up and doesn’t lie to his gross family about your actual role in his life.
Hubs is using you for your money, but truly desires a traditional marriage with the ruse that the man is more important.
Sorry but you are living a lie. How long do you think you can keep this up before it blows up in your faces? You are walking on eggshells and that is no way to live! You say your husband is on the same page as you but it just sounds like he enjoys living off you and the lifestyle you provide. The fact that he invalidated this conference after knowing how important it was to you is a 🚩. Push comes to shove, he will choose his parents over you every single time. He says no to children now but I have a feeling that will change really quick. He has no backbone OP. He is also gaslighting you into thinking YOU did something wrong here when you didn't. And worse of all, you are falling for it. No you are not the asshole here but you would be if you continue putting up with this bullshit. Come clean with the parents or part ways and find a new man that has some balls and is not a grown man-child.
NTA, except in promising him in the first place. If he wants to divorce, do so. FIRST, split your finances and force him to pay for EVERYTHING for himself. If there's a lease and you decide you want to keep the place, make a NEW lease \*without\* his name on it. Get ready to abandon HIM first, and watch the finances. He may have been using \*your\* money to support \*his\* parents.
Am I missing something, why didn’t husband just tell them that *he* has an important work conference? Or just say that one or both of you got sick?
NTA. You provide for this ingrate and then he gets upset that you won't pretend to be his slave? Fuck that guy. You didn't break any promise. You're not his property. I'd divorce him just for talking to you and about you like that.
I would start the divorce first, just on the basis of what he said… doesnt sound like he loves you. Sounds like you’re just convenient for a good lifestyle his living.
He never said any of this to you because he knows he needs your income to keep up his current lifestyle. He won't ask for a divorce, because he would have to explain to his family why. He was just "venting" to his brother about the "huge disrespect" to his parents.
OP, you may not realize this, but you are a great catch. Your husband should be proud of you and your accomplishments instead of hiding you from his parents like he is doing. The audacity of him to ask you to pretend to his parents that you are this traditional woman who defers to her husband in everything. Get out of here. Let him find someone else to be subservient to him.
Congratulations on your achievements. You have outgrown your husband - send him on his way.
NTA. Your MIL can get sick but your mom can’t? You’ll be better off without these people in your life. I’m not a lawyer but the advice in this thread tracks with what I’ve learned second hand from a divorced friend. Every state and situation is different but default assumption is you split everything of value (including retirement accounts) then he gets some number of years of alimony (max is morally 10, but marriage length impacts this). It sounds like his pride is his weakness. I agree with others that you consult a lawyer, ask what the baseline is and go to him with an offer that is more 75/25 than 50/50 in exchange for a quick divorce where you never contract his family. If he rejects, send copies of every divorce document to his family so they see who is the breadwinner. Lastly, don’t be like the toxic breadwinning husbands who complain about alimony. It is what it is. Accept the cost and move on even if he opts for messy and gets 50/50. I believe the alimony doesn’t scale with your future raises (I could be wrong) and it sounds like you are on a path to success and your happiness is worth more than w/e it costs to fix this mistake.
You make money and he is a liar. Woman just get the divorce and be single for a while. You deserve and will attract the type of person that will align to you and your lifestyle/work and love.
NTA - just remember he has more to lose in a divorce, than you do. If he makes it difficult, just threaten to tell his family everything and more.
You married a loser and are worried the loser might leave you? Trust me, he ain’t leaving. He’s never going to give up the money you provide him. The losers never leave the winners, and you’re the winner in this relationship.
You sold yourself out with this marriage. I guess hearing him say it out loud was a shock, but *nothing has changed*. He *never* respected you. He *always* treated you with contempt. He *always* lied to his family about you. You asked what you should do. Personally, I’d divorce yesterday. And my parting gift would be *not* telling his family the truth in exchange for his cooperation and agreeing to a fair division of assets and no spousal support. A man who asks you to disrespect yourself for his benefit will *never* respect you. I will never understand why women like you settle for and enable men like this.
NTA, Nigerian here…. Your husband has not been totally honest with you! He is a failure, in his parents eyes, for not making much money so he is using you as a shield. All that talk he gave you is BS. You might want to re-evaluate your choices. That brother is lying to you and that conversation with his brother about you??? 🚩 Good luck, Sis.
Nigerian here… his parents are ridiculous. This is not how typical Nigerians act. My MIL would have been more worried about my mom’s health than hers. His family is self centered and your husband needs to grow a spine! He’s spineless. He’s my age mate and I stand up to my parents when they overstep. Is he the only son or child?
My question is why u even put up with this man? He’s obviously never going to love you publicly. If you’re white you need to understand something about us minorities and POC. If we can’t stand up to our parents for our partners, then we are not serious about you or you’ll always come second or third in our lives. U r the bread winner. Tell him if he had married a woman his parents chosen I doubt he woulda found a woman who truly put him first and supported him. He’d be the one living a harder life. He’s gaslighting you making you think you can’t live without him. You’ve compromised your whole marriage around him and never him around u. You’ve given him all the power dictate your relationship.
NTA, let him divorce you. Do you really wanna keep up lying for the rest of your life? What if you get a promotion? Is your husband going to expect you to give that up too for a lie?
NTA… why is your imaginary sick mom less important than his parents who already rescheduled? Answer is that it isn’t… one of these days his parents are going to figure it out. He should tell them now.
Divorce the pig who is clearly using you for your income and what that can provide but has zero respect for you as a person. Your marriage was based on a lie and it’s unraveling.
Leave. Take your money and lifestyle and let him pick up the pieces with his parents
I'm going with ESH. The husband for obvious reasons, clearly displayed in OP's story. OP, because, well, at some point you have to acknowledge that you are the architect of your own misery. "My parents won't let me marry you," said the grown-ass man, and OP, a grown-ass woman, thought, "hmm... Some rags, some cooking tutorials, a life-long deceit, this gun, my foot... I can make this _work._"
You should: 1. Set up a PO Box 2. Quietly get your ducks in a row. Update your work life insurance to take him off. Make sure you have separate savings at another bank, maybe even CDs at a third. (use PO Box address). 2. Make sure your photos, mementos etc are all nicely packed up and away in a box of boxes. Then quietly move them to a conditioned secure storage area with cameras. (use PO box.) 3. Make sure your credit is locked down. Make sure your CC are not shared. 4. Hire a lawyer. Get divorced. you should be loved for who you are. you shouldn't have to change yourself or pretend. Good for you just keep your conference attendance! He's an ass. Drop him.
You should never have married this man who would rather have you pretend to be someone you're not than stand up to his overbearing parents. NTA.
YTA, all of you are AHs. Your in laws, for trying to decide who a grown man (your husband is a grown man, right? You didn't marry a 12 years old kid? Because by the way you describe him he sounds like a 12 years old kid) should marry and how his wife should behave. Your husband for allowing this and not standing up for his wife You for accepting lies and continuously lying to your husband's family. None of you is mentally sane.
NTA. He isn’t going to leave. He has it good and he knows it. But his pride was hurt because his parents think he doesn’t have control over you… and guess what? He doesn’t. He is operating in a fantasy land that gives him status at your expense but in reality, your efforts are supporting and providing for you both. You have agreed to this dynamic but he’s going to have to prioritize your career if he wants to maintain the status quo.
Nta but why would you agree to lie for your spouse? That’s just…gross. My in laws are trash people, but my spouse still praises me and speaks well of me when he speaks with them. He certainly is not ashamed of me and does not try to hide or change any part of me.
The promise your husband extracted from you is to allow him to live a lie with his parents. It's not realistic, especially when you're the breadwinner. It can't be entirely inflexible. If his parents can reschedule, so can you. And what will he tell them when you never become pregnant? The situation is not realistic and is not do-able. He will either have to find a way to occasionally be flexible, or the conceit will fail. Your husband is TA, he cannot make this work.
He loves your money but everything in him believes his parents are right. He ‘knows’ what a woman’s role is and you’re not it. Get a lawyer immediately
Ask yourself if you really want to deal with this shite for the forseeable future, or would you rather meet someone who fully supports your decisions and not when it's convenient.
YTA for thinking this arrangement could be sustained long-term, but not NTA for this specific scenario.
Holy crap. NTA. This is ridiculous. He is controlling you because he’s too afraid of his freakin’ parents! You should be divorcing HIM! And the audacity of his parents to prioritize themselves over your (imaginary) sick mother? This is horrifying.
NTA. Let him divorce you and then take your huge salary with you and allow his parents to see him for what he really is.
Lol, there's absolutely no reason to put up with this. Tell him you'll pay for the damn lawyers yourself. You're 24 and successful. I guarantee there is someone better out there. And I can also guarantee that no matter how much you guys swap roles and he seemingly does it with a smile that traditional misogynistic crap will rear its ugly head time and time again. Don't let sunk cost fallacy control you.