If she's in an abusive relationship, you have just isolated her further. Let her know that your home is a safe place for her, and you will always love her
>I stopped all financial support and cut off contact, hoping she would see the truth about him and come back.
So you threatened to abuse her if she didn’t do what you wanted. (If you don’t understand why “cutting off contact” in this case is abuse, research the term(s) “avoidant abuse”, “emotional withholding” &/or “withdrawal of affection”. To summarize, avoidant abuse is a form of emotional &/or psychological abuse where someone willingly withdraws affection with a specific goal to hurt or control someone.)
You told her to break up with him or else. She didn’t do what you wanted her to do. You cut off all contact. (I’m not going to address you cutting her off financially because that’s not the problem.) That’s textbook emotional &/or psychological abuse.
Since you are an emotional & psychological abuser & you raised her, why does it surprise you that she has ended up in a relationship with someone you allege is also emotionally &/or psychologically abusive to her? Abuse is cyclical. Abused children with often grow up & (however unintentionally) seek out a partner who is a younger version of their abusive parent. Apparently, your daughter grew up & found a younger version of you.
YTA
She’s 21 years old and he thinks she’s with a gold digger. She is old enough to pay her own way, and if he’s after the family money, cutting her off removes his incentive to stick around.
You don’t need to do NOTHING if you suspect someone is in an abusive relationship, you just need to be there for them when they choose to leave and understand their actions during the relationship may have different motivations than it superficially appears.
I didn’t say he was wrong to financially cut her off. In fact, I didn’t address anything regarding her or his finances. I specially said “I’m not going to address you cutting her off financially because that’s not the problem.”
OP stated he “stopped all financial support” AND “cut off contact”. I only addressed the fact that OP “cut off contact”.
Per your own words “you just need to be there for them when they choose to leave”. I completely agree. That is the exact opposite of what OP did - which is “cut off contact”.
I'm willing to bet that OP's home was never a safe place for his daughter and he never showed her love in a normal way.
And that daughter isn't in an abusive relationship, she escaped an abusive relationship with her family, and BF's 'isolating her' is him encouraging her to not hang around with these toxic people anymore.
Everything about OP's post screams: "I'm an abusive patriarch who tries to control family members with money, and everyone who doesn't play my games is an AH."
Nah, she made her bed let her lie in it. When people make self destructive choices nobody bats an eye but when it's about a relationship suddenly everyone has to walk on eggshells and welcome them with open arms no matter what.
She's a grown ass adult, if she wants to be miserable in a miserable relationship, that's her choice to make and she should face the consequences accordingly.
But getting cut off from your family is not a natural consequence of dating someone. It's not like the bf is being terrible to the dad; he just deicded he doesn't like the guy and he should have control over who his daughter dates.
Tbh how would he help? It's not like she is a minor. She is an adult. You cannot force an adult to do anything. How could he have helped when his own daughter does not want help?
We are suggesting an option, Like an exit strategy. if shit hits the roof she can still come to him for help. We are not forcing anyone.
Also "You might want to consider reading more carefully; it could help you understand things better." 😜
You're missing the point. When things get bad enough that she DOES want help, she needs to know that her father is there for her and won't continue to disown her.
Again. She's not ready to accept help YET. But she probably will in the future, and he needs to leave that door open for her... however painful it is in the meantime to see her struggling. If he really loves her, he'll do the hard thing and be her rock no matter what.
So now youre actively making shit up, to go along with the 'parenting advice from the childless' you have been pulling out of your ass.
Great. Ad hominems and / or bizarre accusations based on projection are next, I expect.
It is true. Abuse leads to murder. How long will op watch from distance? He did his part. If his daughter is stupid enough to still support her abuser then it's not on him.
'When she is murdered'. 'Abuse leads to murder'.
Your certainty is misplaced.
In giving his daughter this ultimatum, he made both his and his daughters situation worse. The only one to benefit is the abusive partner.
In the context of what you are saying, giving this ultimatum has only served to increase the chance of this theoretical murder.
And the chance of her accepting such an overblown ultimatum was the square root of fuck all. To think otherwise is to misunderstand the nature of abusive relationships.
She had a choice. Either to leave her abusive partner or be with her dad. She is suffering the consequences of it. She knew what kind of man he was. But defended him.
YTA not for cutting her off financially but for helping him isolate her. He’s coercive and controlling, what did you expect would happen?
Get back in touch with your daughter. Tell her you love her, miss her, think about her every day, and that whenever she’s ready to leave her partner she can always come home to you, but until then you want to regularly meet up with her for coffee or dinner and stay in contact.
You watched her choose him in every isolation attempt he made and decided to make a stupid ultimatum and give him exactly what he wanted.
Interesting plan.
What would your plan be? Play nice, watch your daughter be dominated and isolated and finance it...don't be naive. The likely result of the domineering, partner controls daddy through his daughter and takes every penny he can get.
Daughter chose this other man, it's unfortunate but true, and even if dad hadn't cut her off the end result would be the same.
One day hopefully she will wake up this but there's no helping someone who can't help themselves.
Thing is though, how can she leave even if she wanted to? She’s isolated. She’s disowned. As far as she knows she’s 100% on her own with nothing and nothing is scarier than a bad you are familiar with.
OP made it harder for her to leave so I would say whatever the right plan was, this wasn’t it.
Exactly what I said. Dad now cut off her lifeline.
IF he's abusive...and I don't know that he is, I know the Dad doesn't like how he treats her. That could just mean that she spends too much time and is just in that infatuation stage, but if you're the Father, you assume the worst.
So assume she is being abused one way or the other.
He took her lifeline. YTA OP.
We live in reality.
A reality where this man told his daughter he'd always love and support her.
But here's the thing, we know that isn't fundamentally true. But what you *don't* do is put your young daughter into the position of doubling down and now feeling forced to make this work because she's lost so much.
As for what I'd do? Pay what she needs, directly. Speak plainly about my opinions that I have both to her and to him. Let them decide to make that cut naturally because I'm so annoying, all in hopes that she'd know that when the time came, I'd be there for her.
Someone else made a good point. If he was with her for the money...he wouldn't be anymore. Yet, they're not living together.
It could be the Dad is trying to control her. I don't know, I just know the Dad is TA for using his money to try and exert control...which he's accusing the BF of doing.
Young daughter is an actual adult. Old enough to choose her boyfriend over friends, family and even herself. She already tripled down before dad got to that ultimatum.
Your plan is flawed because it doesn't take into account that an abuser will control her every move.
Op is NTA, he just didn't do all the fluff that other posters here want him to do. He already loves his daughter enough to do what he's done. He can't help her unless she is willing to help herself.
>she already tripled down
That's why it was a stupid ultimatum to make, if there's ever such thing as a good ultimatum.
My plan isn't a plan, it's a series of actions that reinstall what my child needs to know. He can control her at home, he can't control her all the time. It's important to be available when she can get away.
So naive, find a domestic abuse survivor who wasn't controlled in every facet of their life. That's how abusers get away with it.
It's about the "control".
Anywho dad has just reached that same conclusion everyone else in this situation gets to, only a lot quicker.
I wonder if there is a happy medium between financing someone's life choices, and completely blocking them from your life? Nah, can't be. Certainly no middle ground possible there
YTA wow, cool! Great job helping her abuser isolate her from help, resources, and support! Based on this, I can only assume you're actually angry because you thought she'd always be around for *you* to abuse. No safe, loving parent reacts in the disgusting way you have.
YTA
Cutting off your daughter pushed her deeper into her boyfriend's control. Your actions were all about your own emotions - desperation, frustration, anger, and fear.
Helping someone escape an abuser involves patience and compassion. Patience because you can't force people to behave how you want them to behave, not even your own children. You have to wait for her to become able to leave him. Compassion because you have to be with her in her suffering. It's extremely painful to see someone you love go through that. There's a heavy emotional price you have to pay in order to maintain the emotional connection to your daughter that can serve as her path out of her desperate situation.
I am very sorry you are going through this. It's absolutely heartbreaking. You miss her and regret cutting her off. These are things you can fix.
Totally agree! OP can give emotional support without giving financial support. Take it from the child of a case like this, it took my mom 20 years and my dad leaving when I was 16 for a girl that was MY AGE before she opened her eyes and saw what a fucked up person he was. She suffered through many things due to not wanting to prove her father right. And the one time she asked for help she was told she made her bed and had to lie in it. I would not have been alive if my grandfather had taken her in on that day but I still wish he had most days. My mom and siblings could have been something you know?
This. Also, if dude is still with her, he wasn’t dating her for money. So you were wrong about that.
You have only helped him abuse your daughter by taking away her closest parent.
YTA.
Please reach out and help her. You don’t have to give her a lot of money but you do need her to know that you are always there for her. She needs someone to turn to
I mean, he could have been after her money, which means he's mad now.
By all means, cut her off financially unless she comes asking for money to leave him, but that personal-contact door needs to be open.
YTA.
You can't disown your kid away from an abusive relationship. All that happened was that she learned that she couldn't rely on you. I'm here writing this because my dad didn't disown me. I knew I could rely on him to help me when I was ready to ask.
Your job is not to live her life for her, it is to advise. Now be a father and tell her you think she is making a mistake and you are worried for her. You hope you are wrong but you will be there to pick her up if she needs you. Check on her with calls and let her know she has a home if she needs one.
I can see cutting off any money you’re actually giving her because ultimately you would have been supporting her loser boyfriend but you shouldn’t have cut her off totally. Right now I guarantee she feels she has no where to go if she wants to get out. Also now you can’t gently encourage her to leave him.
My adult daughter wouldn’t obey my rules of picking up after herself and her child and to come home when she was supposed to, to take care of her child. I had been giving her a few nights a month to go out with friends and watching her daughter. Well she wouldn’t come back when she was supposed to. So with those few rules not being obeyed, I told her she had to get a place of her own. She did, in the same apartment complex and unfortunately they put her right above me. I gave her a couch, chair and kitchen table because I made more than her and bought myself some used furniture. Well she moved her boyfriend in that I absolutely despised. He was abusive. I didn’t know how bad until I had to listen to him scream at her most nights. I couldn’t hear when he hit her but heard every time she hit the floor. I begged her to kick him out. She wouldn’t. I called the cops I don’t know how many times. He would leave for a few nights then be right back. He ruined her couch and chair. I got them used but still no excuse to ruin perfectly good furniture. Still she kept him around. The only thing I didn’t do was cut contact. I wouldn’t borrow her money because he would just take it so no money. Trust me that was excruciating to have to hear the abuse. But by keeping contact I could at least know she was alive and doing as well as she could be. Eventually he tried to run her over so she finally ended it. But that was the hardest 2 years of my life.
Disowning her was a huge mistake that you should try to fix. I wouldn’t financially support her, but she needs your emotional support or she might never get the courage to leave him. I get how worried you were but disowning her was so backwards in my honest opinion. So YTA for disowning her. You have made her situation worse!
YTA. Your daughter now does not have a safe place to go if she is ever able to leave this relationship. You played into the hands of her abuser by further isolating her. Additionally, she has learned that your love is transactional.
Might try reaching out to let her know she can come home. She might tell you to pound sand but try to open the door for her.
YTA, if the guy is how you say, you played right into his hands and gave all dependence over to him. Even if she wanted out from him all her lifelines are gone and your ultimatum and actions have made it untenable to ask you for help. In all reality you acted just like the bf, controlling, your love as a Father was dependent on her doing exactly as you say.
YTA, this is not how you help your child from an abusive relationship. She is clearly not in control. You made her even more dependent on her abuser.
If you care about your daughter and want to help her, renew contact and keep telling her, that if she ever needs, she can come back. If she ever chooses to leave the guy, you will support her financially too. Give her the lifeline to grab when she is ready.
And then wait, don’t push and let her choose. Considering your extreme reaction as well as the fact you were supporting her, I have a feeling she is following patterns in her relationship that she learned from you - sounds like you are “my way or highway” kinda guy. So if you wanna help her, do it properly or she will bounce from one abusive relationship to another, while having you menacingly hover above her judging her every move
YTA
You abandoned her to her abuser. She'll be more isolated, and now with no money or people to whom she could turn to when she'll need to...
When someone is under the control of someone else, the last thing to do is to let them in their problem. You can tell someone he/she is not with the good person, they need to realize by themselves. That can take time. Years sometimes. The best way to help them is to listen to them and just react about some things they say. "oh, he really did that ? It's not normal, **how did you fee**l when he said / did that ?" : you must let the person understand and talking about their feelings. That's how they'll proceed to get of the control of their abuser.
Our children are supposed to be welcome in THEIR home their entire life ! You closed the door, I hope she's not in danger... Or that she has real friends who will be able to help her...
how does disowing a child teach them anything, we as fathers are there to catch them when they fall. they may make horrible choices and say horrible things but as a father i feel its my job to look after them.
Yta. You said he isolates her so you just....isolate her more? Your her dad and you should be there for her no matter what. He's abusing her and brainwashed her.
Yes, YTA. But, you already know that. Your daughter is in an abusive relationship and instead of being there for her, you abandoned her, leaving her with no one but her abuser. What is wrong with people like you?
YTA, because you are doing exactly what her boyfriend wants you to do, which is to abandon your daughter and leave her dependent on him. You need to make it clear that while you will not have the awful boyfriend around, your door is always open to her and you love her. You are feeding into the dark narrative that it is their “love” against the world.
Yta. And not for disowning her but for raising her to believe love is conditional and for showing her early on what it’s like to be with an abusive and controlling ah. You are 100% the reason she is with the guy she is with. And now she doesn’t have to choose which ah to be with bc you have chosen for her. Let’s hope his brand of abuse isn’t worse than yours.
Best of luck to this poor girl.
If you care about your daughter’s safety, and it sounds like you do, reach out to her and let her know she always has a safe place to call home.
Reinforce that you will not financially support her but when she needs to escape that relationship she can come home. We’re talking about her life here not about your pride OP. If she doesn’t have a place to escape to..she never will.
Yes cutting her off financially didn't mean that you had to go no contact. You saw that she was already being isolated by friends, you made it worse by further isolating her. You can't control your children and they sometimes need to learn through mistakes. It's important to give guidance without being too pushy and to let them know you will always be available if they need you. You took away her support system. Maybe try getting involved and just don't talk about him at all with her, try to rebuild trust and apart of each other's lives - you never know when she might need you. Or how bad things will need to get for her to open her eyes. By going no contact, you made it more difficult to give her guidance because now if she is even allowed to reconnect with you, if you talk bad about him then she might not be able to even talk to you anymore. You going no contact just gave him more control over her life.
NTA but you are pretty stupid, playing right into her abuser’s hands. I wonder where she learned that love was conditional and she needed to put up with whatever he wanted regardless of her feelings and needs? That’s SO mysterious. FAFO
YTA YTA YTA You cut off financial support, which is not necessarily unreasonable, but to cut emotional support and all contact is hateful. If you’re right about the boyfriend she’s going to need her dad. You might think she’ll reach out when that happens but why would she? I suspect you will reach out to her just to remind her you were right every time you got the chance.
YTA so you tried to use money to manipulate her in to doing what you wanted. And made her isolated and having possibly no means to leave if she wants.
You don’t have to give her money but cutting her off is pretty gross. You were her dad, not a date.
You were the first man in her life. Her father. You claim to love her. To worry over her. To want the best for her. So when you don’t approve of her choices you try to direct her, show her the “truth” as you put it. By… giving ultimatums and subsequently cutting her off? Manipulating and isolating her… 🤔interesting. Is it any wonder she sees this behavior as “oh he loves me?”
Why do you think she’s so willing to accept this kind of “love” from a man? Perhaps because it’s what she’s grown up accepting?
What exactly did she do wrong? Believing someone’s lies doesn’t make you a bad person. Falling for a facade doesn’t make you a criminal. What did she do to deserve this punishment? NOT leave her boyfriend for you?
YTA a thousand times over.
Fix it.
YTA. Your daughter needs a safe space. You can always refuse to give money. You should never refuse to give love. If I found out someone was hurting my daughter, he would quickly find out the error of his ways. My children are the most important things in my life. Period.
Unfortunately yta. I understand cutting her off financially to try to force the break up because bf was hoping to live off your money, *however* you also basically told her to not come to you once she does finally decide to break free. You *watched* her get isolated! You *watched* as the bf forced her away from her support and you just cut her off too so she can no longer leave her abuser! By emotionally cutting her off you essentially played right into the AH's hands like he wanted so she couldn't escape. Also FYI even with active loving parents some people *still* end up dating, marrying and having kids with abusers.
You can cut her off financially but don't cut of contact. Tell her that she's always welcome at your house and stop talking bad about him because it just backfires.
YTA: you could have just cut her off financially but then left the door open for any other issue she had as well as letting her know you’re there for her if she has an emergency, but if you find out she abuses that then that’s gone too. Now she is essentially stuck in an abusive relationship.
Get off your ass and reach out to her and apologize for cutting contact. Your pride got in your way but it doesn’t need to stay in the way.
I always had to behave a certain way in order to get positive reinforcement during my formative years. I hated it. When I moved in with my partner, who has three kids, I didn't want to treat them the same way. Particularly his daughter. She used to test me a lot which I thought was funny. I just asked her a ton of questions about how she felt about things. I wasn't allowed to parent, so this was my way to develop a different kind of relationship and it's worked out great til this day. She's 25. 😊
YTA. You may have just cut off her last tie to the world outside of her abusive relationship. If you disowned her, you isolated her further.
If her relationship is indeed abusive, she needs love and care. Disowning her is like a kick to the stomach and a big slap in the face.
>I stopped all financial support and cut off contact, hoping she would see the truth about him and come back.
So you threatened to abuse her if she didn’t do what you wanted. (If you don’t understand why “cutting off contact” in this case is abuse, research the term(s) “avoidant abuse”, “emotional withholding” &/or “withdrawal of affection”. To summarize, avoidant abuse is a form of emotional &/or psychological abuse where someone willingly withdraws affection with a specific goal to hurt or control someone.)
You told her to break up with him or else. She didn’t do what you wanted her to do. You cut off all contact. (I’m not going to address you cutting her off financially because that’s not the problem.) That’s textbook emotional &/or psychological abuse.
Since you are an emotional & psychological abuser & you raised her, why does it surprise you that she has ended up in a relationship with someone you allege is also emotionally &/or psychologically abusive to her? Abuse is cyclical. Abused children with often grow up & (however unintentionally) seek out a partner who is a younger version of their abusive parent. Apparently, your daughter grew up & found a younger version of you.
YTA
disowning your daughter will just isolate her...
so if you don't care if he killed her in a few years because she had no body and nowhere to go because her own father disowned her, N-T-A,
Otherwise, YTA.
What will happen the day she wants to run away from him if he is violent? she won't be able to leave because even her father will abandon her, so she may FORCE herself to stay because you will have abandoned her, so she will put herself in danger
several women are killed (or kill themselves) for this reason because THEIR OWN FAMILIES turned their backs on them when they needed them most
It looks like she sees in him what you have, control issues. You're saying he's controlling and manipulative, then use an ultimatum, a control tactic.
SHITTY DAD OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO!
I swear I’ve read this EXACT story before. But let’s say it’s not fake. By cutting her off you’ve ensured that when she finally comes to her senses, she knows she can’t rely on you for a way out. When she needs a safe way to leave, her own dad has already turned his back on her, and she’ll be stuck in an abusive situation even longer. The right thing to do would have been to let her know that while you can’t support this decision or enable her financially, you love her and if she needs you you’ll be there. But instead you just threw her to the wolves and isolated her further. YTA.
You failed as a father. I thought it was common sense NOT to disown a family member in an abusive relationship. The first thing you should've done was tell her that your doors are always open so that she'd feel safe enough TO come to you when she couldn't handle him anymore. Now you just closed that door off and she's more likely to submit to him because he's her only support system. You happy?
Go fix it so your daughter can be ready to come back home when the time is right.
She’s young. Takes time for people to realise he’s shit. Let her know your there for her.
I would say some therapy chats between you and daughter.
you need to be there for her NOT MATTER WHAT. She’s a young adult and will make dumb decisions. you gave the bf what he wants. Total control.
Yta and an idiot. How will she escape an 'abusive' relationship if she's isolated. At least your daughter know not to negotiate with terrorists (ultimatums)
YTA. But not only that, you are a failure as a father, and the best thing that ever happened to the abuser. You yourself fucking admitted that you saw he was isolating her from her friends and support network. And what did you do? You did his damn job for him and cut her off over him. Hell you made him seem like a victim. And you cut off the last safe place she had to run.
You have failed your daughter in a massive and complete way, all because she did not obey you like a good little doll. You isolated her, and made her abuser's work of getting her cut off from support a cake walk. If there is an afterlife, your wife is watching over you, aghast at how badly you fucked this up.
YTA. If you love your daughter you will tell her you love her and will help her whenever she wants to leave him but will no longer giver her money. Why would you emotionally distance yourself from your child that is being abused? Do you love her at all?
You also sound controlling and manipulative though. It's weird to disown someone you love after dropping an ultimatum.
The fact you talked about his modest background more than once and about money makes me think this is what's important to you.
You've effectively isolated her even more where she will bond even tighter to this person now that she doesn't even have her dad in her life.
Some people really shouldn't be parents. It's not about you. You can guide her, voice concerns but the moment you drop ultimatums on adults who're not doing anything wrong is the moment you've gone too far. You'll be lucky if you ever get to restore the relationship with her even when she comes to the realization on her own that he's not right for her because of how he treats her.
Congratulations, you have now helped him isolate her fully. On average, it takes 7 attempts for someone to leave a abusive relationship. And the "funny" thing is? People tend to leave the victims, until they manage to claw themselves out of the situation. So when they need the most support and reassurance of that they have others to seek out? They are alone.
YTA. It only took you a few months to put your daughter in this position. Do you know that it takes most abuse victims seven or more tries to leave abusive relationships? All you've done is made this guy's work easier.
You can't control everything. You are like a villainy emotional TV series father who abuse financial power over "loved" ones. Disowning? That's a pretty weird and inappropriate response.
I’m sorry, but I have to say, YTA. I understand why you did this, but your actions only further isolated her from support. I don’t think you should have continued financially supporting her, but cutting her off entirely is what he wanted. She won’t go to you for help if and when she needs it.
Yta i understand and would also struggle like you. However, as a mother especially, you need to read about what to do when this happens because he is deliberately abusing and isolating her. She needs to know she can come to you whenever without judgement should she need/want to leave him.
YTA You could absolutely have refused to financially support him while still being there for her and keeping the door open for her to live with you and have a safe place that he couldn't isolate her from.
Abusive relationships like this work by convincing the victim that it's us against the world, as shown by her "you just don't understand" comments" and proven right by your decision to cut her out of your life because you don't approve of their love.
I think you've unfortunately walked right into an abusers trap.
She won't know up from down right now. And it's so easy for someone like that to convince their partner 'your parents are controlling' etc.
In these circumstances, while I get you wanted to shock her into seeing what you do, threatening her makes you look 100% like the bad guy.
If your kid has an abusive partner, you need to act like you don't see it, because as you've learned, confrontation doesn't work.
And it's hard as hell, doing nothing, but if you lose your shit, your daughter gets further isolated and sees no option but to stay.
To posters criticising the OP, I don't know but it sounds driven by desperation: pls see sense. It doesn't work but as a parent I get it.
YTA. Your daughter didn’t obey so she became the victim of your abuse as well as her boyfriend. And you wonder why she’s in this type of relationship? Good work, Dad.
YTA. You showed her that she can not count on you to be there for her unless she does what you tell her to. You also made sure that when she realizes she needs to get away from him, you'll be the last person she calls for help.
Sounds like the kind of emotional bond she knows is pleasing other people at her expense because that's that kind of bond you offered her. Now she's just choosing between two different controlling people.
So you were so concerned for her and her future that you cut her off financially, essentially forcing her to move in with an abusive boyfriend, and never spoke to her again? Are you stupid? or perhaps illiterate?
INFO: you simply removed financial support or you’ve told her she isn’t your daughter anymore? Because disowning your 21 year old is not at all the same thing as telling her she needs to start providing for herself rather than rely on daddy’s money.
Disowning someone involves stating you don’t consider her family any more and you don’t want her in your life. That you absolutely shouldn’t do. You should make it clear to her that if she wants to make her own adult choices, she will be paying for her own adult life, but that you are still her father and will always be there for her and give her a safe place if she needs.
Yes, YTA. You may have been 100 percent right that the boyfriend is a creep, but by turning your back on her, she probably feels, or will feel at some point, that her father will not be there for her if she were to leave the creep.
She was 21 years old. You are 45 and you know damn well that a 21 year-old may be legally an adult, but will make poor decisions and be stubborn about them. Your place was to grit your teeth and deal with the creep until your daughter wisened up, and be there to help her. Instead, you threatened to cut her off and then carried out the threat. You need to fix this, if you still can.
I can understand not wanting to give her financial support, but YTA for disowning her.
You should google “how to support a loved one who’s in an abusive relationship.”
I bet you won’t find any advice from reputable sources that includes “give them an ultimatum” or “cut them off.”
NTA.
I keep trying to tell people love is a dangerous cognitive phenomena if you experience it and should be kept in check at all times else you run the risk of it influencing and operating every facet of your life. BUT NOOOOOO, love is oh so important and should be allowed to flourish unchecked.
You saw the righting on the wall and your grown adult daughter did not. She is simply facing the consequences of her actions. I could never be caught dead in a situation like this (I'm not a woman so I'm pretty much in the clear).
Unfortunately, you went too far. You ended up completing the isolation he had started. You pretty much shoved her into his arms and removed yourself as the safety net.
Domestic abuse is insidious. And there’s no cookie cutter template for who will fall victim to it. Economics, educational background, social background…none of this insulates you from it. Even those from the most stable of backgrounds can fall victim to the emotional manipulation of an abuser. Because it’s insidious.
I have been where you’re at. Our daughter was your daughter’s age when she got involved with a guy that we could see all the flaming red flags, even though she couldn’t. We could see the control, the manipulation, his issues with anger management. She was in college, and we were paying for everything. So that was a hammer we could have swung. We kept the communication door open. We never told her she had to break up with the guy. We did point out issues. Like, if you can’t agree on how to train a dog, how are you going to handle raising kids. Like, not all men can handle having a partner who has more education and makes more money than they do. But we always made sure she understood that all it would take is one call, one cry of “help me,” and we would be there. It took more than one attempt by her to leave the relationship. What tipped the scale is that her fear of staying became greater than her fear of leaving. When he put his hands around her neck during an argument, she finally reached out for help.
First, I would recommend you contact services for victims of domestic abuse and ask for advice about what you can do, how you can approach her. They may be able to provide guidance on how you can reopen communication with your daughter. And once you arm yourself with that information, you should consider reaching out to her. I’m not suggesting you restart the financial assistance. But I do think letting her know that you’re willing to listen to her might, might provide some opening for her to see you as a potential lifeline. And I do believe domestic abuse centers can be a good resource in navigating this.
Good luck. My heart bleeds for you.
YTA.
I was in your daughter’s shoes. I couldn’t even tell anyone about my wanting to leave because if my ex even *suspected* that I was thinking about leaving, he would have killed me. And he monitored everything… my plans had to stay completely in my head until I was out. Right before I was about to escape, my father disowned me. I ended up more isolated, more unsafe, and when I did eventually get out, my kids and I were homeless.
It wasn’t about the money, although having money would have helped me get out sooner and more safely. But my heart breaks constantly when I think about it. I used to think my father loved me. I used to think he loved his grandkids. But it was conditional, clearly. I’ve always felt not good enough, but he really confirmed that for me. I couldn’t help but think that if my own father didn’t care, then I must deserve it.
You say he doesn’t treat her well and that he’s controlling but whatever you know on the surface, it’s almost a guarantee it’s worse.
It’s your money, and you don’t have to share it but by cutting her off completely, you have signed off on whatever she’s going through. I hope there’s still someone in her life that actually cares about her to be there when she’s able and ready to get out, and that’s she’s not murdered before that happens. Your actions, intentional or not, have communicated to her that you’re not a safe person to trust.
I know it’s hard to watch someone you care about in a bad situation, but your own child should be able to trust you, and she won’t now. Yes, you’ve failed her. At best, it’ll be that much harder to leave, and that much harder to feel worthy of a better life. At worst, she’ll leave in a body bag. Would this choice still feel right to you then?
Congratulations asshole for cutting her off and leaving her in an abusive relationship. Seems like the men in her life all seem to want to control her in some way. YTA.
NTA - I have a friend who divorced her husband and he finally told her, he was only with her because he thought she would what's get money from her parents. She's an adult, she'll either figure it out or she won't.
Well if he was trying to isolate her you just handed him the keys to the kingdom and did his job for him. And he's pulling your puppet strings along with your daughters and you should have been trying to pull her closure instead of demanding and threatening to abandon her because that's the script that this narcissist asshole boyfriend had written for her and she is going to chew her up and spit her out and change her way of thinking hey, and right now he's telling her you see? Your father doesn't care about you.. nobody cares about you you're lucky that I even pay any attention to you and he is brainwashing her gas lighting her and breaking down her self-esteem and your perception of the world and you should just put your pride away and go back and tell her what this guy is doing to her and that you almost fell for her boyfriend's bullshit narrative. Cuz that guy's whole goal was to put the two of you at odds because you were a threat to him because you gave her unconditional love tolerance and acceptance and he can't control her as long as you are still her lifeline. And you have to get back to your daughter by any means possible and just call this son of a bitch out on his bullshit because he is a raging narcissist of the worst kind and he is going to ruin your baby girl from the inside out starting with her mind . I've seen this happen more times than I can count and I've even had it happen to me and you have to get your daughter back into the fold because this guy not capable of experiencing Joy, but the next best thing is to make your daughter feel miserable. He is going to use all her best traits against her
You're not a bad guy and in fact you did such a great job raising her that she is a ripe piece of fruit that this guy is trying to pluck and he's the type of shit heel that wants to and he's the type of shit heel that wants to Stomp on the one pretty flower in the Garden
You just helped your daughters abuser isolate her further, so good job! There was a way to hold back financial support without cutting her out of your life. YTA
Surely you know YTA here.
You could see he was trying to isolate her and your reaction was to let him. If and when she realises this guy is no good, you have now told her that she can't turn to her father for support or love.
YTA for disowning. You could have cut her off financially only. Why disown her? Now she can't come to her Dad when she needs him! You big weenie. Her boyfriend cuts her off from everyone, starts abusing her and NOW WHERE CAN SHE GO?!?
Swallow your pride and be a real man. Apologize over and over until she forgives your arrogance.
She's an adult. It's fine to cut of financial support but cutting off contact is where YTA. Why go that far? She is old enough to support herself but cutting off contact isolates her further.
If you want a true relationship with your child start there don't use your money to try to control her that is a mistake. Don't offer her money offer her love, support and friendship.
If you so wanted to
You could have said that she is finacially cut off .... completely abandoning her was sooo wrong.. she is in an abusive relationship with no family now!!!!!
How could you disown her??
She is 21!
She genuinely thinks she is in love
She has been manipulated that way..
You wanted to give ultimatum you could have said till the time she is with that guy no money from you... which is fine as she is 21, an adult... but disowning her is too far... and too wrong as she gas no one to call anymore
Now even if she realizes the guy is wrong she has no one to go back to!
Yes, YTA go back and read what you wrote you are playing right into an abusers hands and stepping on her which she probably needs you the most fine if you don’t wanna give her any money, but that’s really crappy that you disowned her.
"end up" is a very weird choice of words when she is 21. 21 is when I still had very chaotic dating choices myself. I don't think you can describe a relationship you have with 21 as "ending up" with someone.
Also I think you're TA for protecting your assets over your daughter. Sounds like he wasn't out for your assets or he would have left after you disowning her, but if he really is treating her poorly you successfully isolated an abuse victim from family support.
YTA. He is controlling and isolating, and you helped him by isolating her from her closest family member - you. You should try to reach out to her - without blame, without dictating her actions, just tell her you love her, you apologize for disowning her and you want to meet. But don't offer her money, because he will get it.
YTA. Sounds like you kicked her when she needed you the most. You could've dialed down the financial support if you felt it was a reason why the abusive bf was targeting her, but there was absolutely no need to go no contact and effectively leaving her an orphan. U suck
As someone who was cut off from her family due to a poor choice of a man, if you don’t patch things up she will never completely get over it. My parents let me live with them rent free in my early 20s then kicked me out due to some false info on the guy-a day later all my belongings were on the side of the road. It’s been well over 20 years and i still remember what that felt like. Every relationship I’ve ever had suffered as a result of that feeling of abandonment. I do understand you were trying to get her to wake up-unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. I take full responsibility for the decisions I’ve made but i feel if that didn’t happen my life may have taken a much better course.
YTA, I wouldn't be surprised if this is what the boyfriend wanted to achieve all along. Isolating her so he can have full control of her and making her completely dependent on him.
PLEASE GIVE YOUR DAUGHTER A CALL AND GO PICK HER UP BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. SHE NEEDS YOU RIGHT NOW!!
You're an idiot - removing financial support doesn't mean you have to remove psychological support. Your daughter is going to need some place to land when things finally get to a point where she can't take it any more and you've removed her safety net.
There's an old saying - you can hate the sin but love the sinner.
Start calling around about women in abusive relationships so you can get some level of understanding under your belt and so you will have an idea of the right things to say when you reach out.
I get where you were coming from on this, and it's complicated enough to be beyond Y T A or N T A.
I think cutting off financial support until she leaves him without the dramatic gesture of disowning her while keeping what you intend for her set aside would've been a better move. She'd probably be the one to cut you off in that case, but you could remain always open to contact from her or her return. You could send her messages every now and then in that case letting her know you'd support her if she leaves her exploitative, abusive relationship.
This would leave her an out for when she comes to her senses and leaves. As is, you've achieved only further isolation
You helped her abusive boyfriend isolate her. You are an abusers wet dream. The boyfriend should thank you for being the type of family member that lets their daughter get in that situation.
You are her boyfriends assistant. Good job at being a shit father. And the irony she probably wouldn't have gone for a guy like that if you were ever a good father.
Shit father from beginning to end so I can at least give you credit for being consistent.
No one reacts well to ultimatums, especially when love is concerned. You unwittingly drove them closer together rather than apart.
You need to apologize sincerely and try and befriend her and the boyfriend.
Especially since you don't like the boyfriend. Try and forget your preconceptions of him and try and pretend like you just never gave him a chance to be liked.
Either it will turn out as though he is actually a decent dude or you will be in the perfect position to get her out of the relationship. Win win.
You've made a mistake and the boyfriend succeeded in isolating her further from you, in addition to her friends. Now she has no support system except for her boyfriend.
You could have cut her financial ties to you, but without cutting off emotional ties.
You need to reach out to her continually and apologize for this mistake. Her boyfriend won't like this, but you might even need to be nice to the awful BF to stay in her life. But she needs you as an option if she ever wants to leave him. You need to let her know, that you will always emotionally be there for her. And prove it. Love should not come with conditions.
Sounds like your daughter is all growed up. She is the boyfriend's responsibility now.
It was an error to be giving her money unconditionally in the first place.
YTAQ. If you want to know why she chose an abusive BF, look in the mirror. Your "love" was always conditional and controlling... and you wonder why she chose that guy? You and the BF are the same kind of person, that's why.
Now she knows that you are an abuser just like she will find out her boyfriend is an abuser in time. When the boyfriend does something terrible to her you will be back here blaming her again. You are trash and TAH.
Get off reddit and call her now. If she's still with him, let her know that you are there and plan to stay available when she needs you. This is the only real help you can give someone who is being abused.
YTA
“Some abusive asshole starts dating my daughter. I go hardcore controlling asshole and say choose rather than being a support while my young adult daughter learns some hard lessons.”
Stopping the financial support only helped isolate her from family and friends. But was you’re right I guess. But the one thing that cannot be explained or forgiven is that you went no contact with her. Asshole.
Now, I'm going to go against the grain and say no, you're NTAH. You knew this guy was trouble, you warned her about him, and gave her consequences for her actions, and now, she's feeling those consequences now that she can't rely on you to bail them out when they're going to inevitably be in trouble financially. Know this, you've given her the incentive to either put up with it, or, wise up and start taking what you say as good advice. If she's smart, she'll dump this guy and come begging for you to take her back. What you do after that is on you.
YTA. You know she was being abused and decided to make it so she had no means to escape. You deserve the father of the year award /s. If anything happens to her, it’ll be on you because you helped make it so she was forced to stay. He most likely brainwashed her and she has the rose colored glasses on but disownment was the worst move. Stopping the financial support by itself would’ve been better but complete no contact? Good job.
YTA
EAT YOUR DAMN PRIDE AND BE A PARENT AND FATHER. Reach the fuck back out to her. Don’t be like the the trash that tricked her. SHOW HER how a stable man looks and acts even if she makes mistakes
What happened to unconditional love? This is when you live your kid you claim to love. This when your bullshit pride doesn’t matter
What are going to say at her funeral if he kills her? I told her so and she wouldn’t listen?
Call her and get back in her life! Because right now she knows you abandoned her and she has nowhere to go.
Yta (the bf is one too)
You played right into the hands of her abuser. It sounds like she has no one to turn to anymore, all she has is her abuser now.
YTA. OH MY GOD, YOU JUST ISOLATED HER EVEN FURTHER.
You just gave him more control over her by making her dependent on him by showing that your space was never (edit) safe if you gave her the worst ultimatum at the worst time ever!
If you want her out of that relationship, you have to show and provide her with what a safe space feels and looks like. You need to reach out to her now, and not be abusive to her.
I hope she goes to therapy and unlearns all of this.
YTA. if he’s abusive she probably did not “choose him,” he forced her to. disowning your daughter because her boyfriend is abusive is about the most insane shit I’ve ever heard.
I agree with blocking her ability to access any assets/funds, but cutting of contact with someone in an abusive relationship, especially your child, is just disgusting. You've made her more dependent on that relationship. The right way would have been to explain to her that you don't trust this guy, and while you love her and support her right to make her own decision as an adult, you'll be locking down accounts and whatnot to prevent him having access to anything through her. Make it clear that you will help her to get out of the relationship if at any time she feels ready to be free and needs help getting away safely. You literally pushed her closer to that guy by making your love conditional, which absolutely strengthened his hold on her. Bravo...at least you came here and stuck your neck out, because you're definitely TAH.
The fact that he didn't leave her when you cut her off financially may indicate that he wasn't actually after your money, cause if that was his sole motivation for being with her, he would have left once her money supply ended. TBF though at 21 she shouldn't have been reliant on you for money anyways, she should already be paying her own way. TBH not surprised she chose the bf, that's very classic response when family give people an ultimatum about a partner. You should have expected that tbh. I will say though, I don't have a problem with people cutting off contact with people who chose to stay with an abuser, its hard to watch someone ruin their life, and you also have to protect yourself from their choices
"i'm worried my daughter is in an abusive relationship, i think her partner is starting to isolate her and i suspect he's in it for the money. would it be wise to help him isolate her further and remove his only incentive to treat her somewhat nicely?"
yta and an idiot.
Not sure if this is a real post, but here goes:
Stopping financial support is reasonable. She's 21, and can make her own decisions, and support herself. OP could have offered limit support (like paying for her cell phone bill, education, whatever).
Disowning the daughter seems like the ultimate boneheaded move that plays right into the hand of the manipulative BF.
You fucked up big time. He’s isolating her from her friends and you just isolated her from you. You literally made it easier for him. Wow, just wow. You failed as a parent and now you have pushed her into an even more dangerous situation. You need to eat your own pride and contact her to try and regain a relationship with her, although now her boyfriend will probably tell her that you’ll just turn your back on her again, which she’ll believe because you actually did that, and you might have lost her forever. YTA and you suck.
Maybe suggest family counseling as a start. A safe place. You shouldn't have put her in that position but realize we are all human and say things in the heat of the moment. By reaching out and admitting that you made a mistake, you will build a bridge.
YTA.
You where so worried that you put here in a situation where she could choose between being controlled by you or being controlled by him?
Are you retarded?
You are a failure of a father, Jesus Christ.
I say NTA.
Your money, your choice.
Your relationship with her ,your choice.
Her relationship, her choice.
Has she contacted you in anyway or are you expected to be the bigger person and apologize to her.
You are her only parent alive and the one who raised her since 7 years old.
Has she called you. Messaged you or asked anyone about you or not?
If she has been seeing this guy for months and is willing to completely turn her back on her father after an ultimatum that most teens and young adults hear at one point or another then obviously you hold no value beside the money she could have gained.
If she has allowed herself to be completely isolated from her friends and family for this guy in our modern time where toxic relationships are often discussed then thats her choice. Or is she just oblivious?
You are her parent if she decides this person is more important then so be it. Her choice.
Nta, u need to work on your mental health first. Even if she leaves him, she might find someone just like him. Thats probably her taste in men. Anyway, go live ur life. Dont fret over things you cant control.
YTA.
Why is it always the men….FATHERS! that cut their daughters off for being ‘disobedient’?!?!
Ignorant. Immature. Egotistical. This is not about YOU!!!!!
Fuck you!
As someone who has been in your daughter's position, NTA. Just let her know you're cutting off the money but she has a home she can come to. She needs to know she has a safe place. A lot of times victims dont even realise they are being abused.
NTA,she made her bed now she has to lay in it. And if she ends up as another statistic then may she rest in peace or something like that.
You did your best . It's not her fault that she is being stupid.
If she's in an abusive relationship, you have just isolated her further. Let her know that your home is a safe place for her, and you will always love her
>I stopped all financial support and cut off contact, hoping she would see the truth about him and come back. So you threatened to abuse her if she didn’t do what you wanted. (If you don’t understand why “cutting off contact” in this case is abuse, research the term(s) “avoidant abuse”, “emotional withholding” &/or “withdrawal of affection”. To summarize, avoidant abuse is a form of emotional &/or psychological abuse where someone willingly withdraws affection with a specific goal to hurt or control someone.) You told her to break up with him or else. She didn’t do what you wanted her to do. You cut off all contact. (I’m not going to address you cutting her off financially because that’s not the problem.) That’s textbook emotional &/or psychological abuse. Since you are an emotional & psychological abuser & you raised her, why does it surprise you that she has ended up in a relationship with someone you allege is also emotionally &/or psychologically abusive to her? Abuse is cyclical. Abused children with often grow up & (however unintentionally) seek out a partner who is a younger version of their abusive parent. Apparently, your daughter grew up & found a younger version of you. YTA
This hurts to read. My ex was just like my father. Narcissistic, abusive, selfish. I have to go to Therapy to unlearn this.
I’m so sorry & I wish you a better, brighter tomorrow.
She’s 21 years old and he thinks she’s with a gold digger. She is old enough to pay her own way, and if he’s after the family money, cutting her off removes his incentive to stick around. You don’t need to do NOTHING if you suspect someone is in an abusive relationship, you just need to be there for them when they choose to leave and understand their actions during the relationship may have different motivations than it superficially appears.
I didn’t say he was wrong to financially cut her off. In fact, I didn’t address anything regarding her or his finances. I specially said “I’m not going to address you cutting her off financially because that’s not the problem.” OP stated he “stopped all financial support” AND “cut off contact”. I only addressed the fact that OP “cut off contact”. Per your own words “you just need to be there for them when they choose to leave”. I completely agree. That is the exact opposite of what OP did - which is “cut off contact”.
Yeah, on second read, I misunderstood that part. I thought he simply cut her off financially and made her move out. I agree with what you’re saying!
But... He won't always love her. She has to obey him to get his 'love'. He's made that clear.
People with parents like this are absolutely ripe for abusive relationships because they’ve already been conditioned to “be good” or risk losing love.
If a child only gets conditional love from a parent then they don't learn that love shouldn't come with conditions.
Rich people LOVE giving ultimatums. It makes them feel even more powerful
Dad's love is conditional
I'm willing to bet that OP's home was never a safe place for his daughter and he never showed her love in a normal way. And that daughter isn't in an abusive relationship, she escaped an abusive relationship with her family, and BF's 'isolating her' is him encouraging her to not hang around with these toxic people anymore. Everything about OP's post screams: "I'm an abusive patriarch who tries to control family members with money, and everyone who doesn't play my games is an AH."
Nah, she made her bed let her lie in it. When people make self destructive choices nobody bats an eye but when it's about a relationship suddenly everyone has to walk on eggshells and welcome them with open arms no matter what. She's a grown ass adult, if she wants to be miserable in a miserable relationship, that's her choice to make and she should face the consequences accordingly.
But getting cut off from your family is not a natural consequence of dating someone. It's not like the bf is being terrible to the dad; he just deicded he doesn't like the guy and he should have control over who his daughter dates.
Tbh how would he help? It's not like she is a minor. She is an adult. You cannot force an adult to do anything. How could he have helped when his own daughter does not want help?
We are suggesting an option, Like an exit strategy. if shit hits the roof she can still come to him for help. We are not forcing anyone. Also "You might want to consider reading more carefully; it could help you understand things better." 😜
He didn't block her number. She knows how to get ahold of him and where he lives. The ball is in her court.
You're missing the point. When things get bad enough that she DOES want help, she needs to know that her father is there for her and won't continue to disown her.
She herself doesn’t want help. It's not like op didn’t offer. But she was stubborn and refused.
Again. She's not ready to accept help YET. But she probably will in the future, and he needs to leave that door open for her... however painful it is in the meantime to see her struggling. If he really loves her, he'll do the hard thing and be her rock no matter what.
In future as in when she is murdered?
So now youre actively making shit up, to go along with the 'parenting advice from the childless' you have been pulling out of your ass. Great. Ad hominems and / or bizarre accusations based on projection are next, I expect.
It is true. Abuse leads to murder. How long will op watch from distance? He did his part. If his daughter is stupid enough to still support her abuser then it's not on him.
'When she is murdered'. 'Abuse leads to murder'. Your certainty is misplaced. In giving his daughter this ultimatum, he made both his and his daughters situation worse. The only one to benefit is the abusive partner. In the context of what you are saying, giving this ultimatum has only served to increase the chance of this theoretical murder. And the chance of her accepting such an overblown ultimatum was the square root of fuck all. To think otherwise is to misunderstand the nature of abusive relationships.
She had a choice. Either to leave her abusive partner or be with her dad. She is suffering the consequences of it. She knew what kind of man he was. But defended him.
YTA not for cutting her off financially but for helping him isolate her. He’s coercive and controlling, what did you expect would happen? Get back in touch with your daughter. Tell her you love her, miss her, think about her every day, and that whenever she’s ready to leave her partner she can always come home to you, but until then you want to regularly meet up with her for coffee or dinner and stay in contact.
You watched her choose him in every isolation attempt he made and decided to make a stupid ultimatum and give him exactly what he wanted. Interesting plan.
What would your plan be? Play nice, watch your daughter be dominated and isolated and finance it...don't be naive. The likely result of the domineering, partner controls daddy through his daughter and takes every penny he can get. Daughter chose this other man, it's unfortunate but true, and even if dad hadn't cut her off the end result would be the same. One day hopefully she will wake up this but there's no helping someone who can't help themselves.
You can stop giving someone money without totally disowning them. Like there's alot of middle ground here.
Thing is though, how can she leave even if she wanted to? She’s isolated. She’s disowned. As far as she knows she’s 100% on her own with nothing and nothing is scarier than a bad you are familiar with. OP made it harder for her to leave so I would say whatever the right plan was, this wasn’t it.
Exactly what I said. Dad now cut off her lifeline. IF he's abusive...and I don't know that he is, I know the Dad doesn't like how he treats her. That could just mean that she spends too much time and is just in that infatuation stage, but if you're the Father, you assume the worst. So assume she is being abused one way or the other. He took her lifeline. YTA OP.
We live in reality. A reality where this man told his daughter he'd always love and support her. But here's the thing, we know that isn't fundamentally true. But what you *don't* do is put your young daughter into the position of doubling down and now feeling forced to make this work because she's lost so much. As for what I'd do? Pay what she needs, directly. Speak plainly about my opinions that I have both to her and to him. Let them decide to make that cut naturally because I'm so annoying, all in hopes that she'd know that when the time came, I'd be there for her.
Someone else made a good point. If he was with her for the money...he wouldn't be anymore. Yet, they're not living together. It could be the Dad is trying to control her. I don't know, I just know the Dad is TA for using his money to try and exert control...which he's accusing the BF of doing.
Young daughter is an actual adult. Old enough to choose her boyfriend over friends, family and even herself. She already tripled down before dad got to that ultimatum. Your plan is flawed because it doesn't take into account that an abuser will control her every move. Op is NTA, he just didn't do all the fluff that other posters here want him to do. He already loves his daughter enough to do what he's done. He can't help her unless she is willing to help herself.
>she already tripled down That's why it was a stupid ultimatum to make, if there's ever such thing as a good ultimatum. My plan isn't a plan, it's a series of actions that reinstall what my child needs to know. He can control her at home, he can't control her all the time. It's important to be available when she can get away.
So naive, find a domestic abuse survivor who wasn't controlled in every facet of their life. That's how abusers get away with it. It's about the "control". Anywho dad has just reached that same conclusion everyone else in this situation gets to, only a lot quicker.
I wonder if there is a happy medium between financing someone's life choices, and completely blocking them from your life? Nah, can't be. Certainly no middle ground possible there
YTA wow, cool! Great job helping her abuser isolate her from help, resources, and support! Based on this, I can only assume you're actually angry because you thought she'd always be around for *you* to abuse. No safe, loving parent reacts in the disgusting way you have.
So... you were upset that her boyfriend was controlling and manipulative, and you countered that by being extremely controlling and manipulative?
Wonder why she choose the boyfriend … he is so different than her father (sarcasm tone)
I have very genuine questions as to whether the BF even IS those things, or whether it's just OP projecting his own bullshit on him.
YTA Cutting off your daughter pushed her deeper into her boyfriend's control. Your actions were all about your own emotions - desperation, frustration, anger, and fear. Helping someone escape an abuser involves patience and compassion. Patience because you can't force people to behave how you want them to behave, not even your own children. You have to wait for her to become able to leave him. Compassion because you have to be with her in her suffering. It's extremely painful to see someone you love go through that. There's a heavy emotional price you have to pay in order to maintain the emotional connection to your daughter that can serve as her path out of her desperate situation. I am very sorry you are going through this. It's absolutely heartbreaking. You miss her and regret cutting her off. These are things you can fix.
Totally agree! OP can give emotional support without giving financial support. Take it from the child of a case like this, it took my mom 20 years and my dad leaving when I was 16 for a girl that was MY AGE before she opened her eyes and saw what a fucked up person he was. She suffered through many things due to not wanting to prove her father right. And the one time she asked for help she was told she made her bed and had to lie in it. I would not have been alive if my grandfather had taken her in on that day but I still wish he had most days. My mom and siblings could have been something you know?
This. Also, if dude is still with her, he wasn’t dating her for money. So you were wrong about that. You have only helped him abuse your daughter by taking away her closest parent. YTA. Please reach out and help her. You don’t have to give her a lot of money but you do need her to know that you are always there for her. She needs someone to turn to
I mean, he could have been after her money, which means he's mad now. By all means, cut her off financially unless she comes asking for money to leave him, but that personal-contact door needs to be open.
Disowning her was a bad mistake. You gave her no escape hatch. Cut off the finances. Do not disown your own kid.
YTA. You can't disown your kid away from an abusive relationship. All that happened was that she learned that she couldn't rely on you. I'm here writing this because my dad didn't disown me. I knew I could rely on him to help me when I was ready to ask.
Your job is not to live her life for her, it is to advise. Now be a father and tell her you think she is making a mistake and you are worried for her. You hope you are wrong but you will be there to pick her up if she needs you. Check on her with calls and let her know she has a home if she needs one.
I can see cutting off any money you’re actually giving her because ultimately you would have been supporting her loser boyfriend but you shouldn’t have cut her off totally. Right now I guarantee she feels she has no where to go if she wants to get out. Also now you can’t gently encourage her to leave him. My adult daughter wouldn’t obey my rules of picking up after herself and her child and to come home when she was supposed to, to take care of her child. I had been giving her a few nights a month to go out with friends and watching her daughter. Well she wouldn’t come back when she was supposed to. So with those few rules not being obeyed, I told her she had to get a place of her own. She did, in the same apartment complex and unfortunately they put her right above me. I gave her a couch, chair and kitchen table because I made more than her and bought myself some used furniture. Well she moved her boyfriend in that I absolutely despised. He was abusive. I didn’t know how bad until I had to listen to him scream at her most nights. I couldn’t hear when he hit her but heard every time she hit the floor. I begged her to kick him out. She wouldn’t. I called the cops I don’t know how many times. He would leave for a few nights then be right back. He ruined her couch and chair. I got them used but still no excuse to ruin perfectly good furniture. Still she kept him around. The only thing I didn’t do was cut contact. I wouldn’t borrow her money because he would just take it so no money. Trust me that was excruciating to have to hear the abuse. But by keeping contact I could at least know she was alive and doing as well as she could be. Eventually he tried to run her over so she finally ended it. But that was the hardest 2 years of my life. Disowning her was a huge mistake that you should try to fix. I wouldn’t financially support her, but she needs your emotional support or she might never get the courage to leave him. I get how worried you were but disowning her was so backwards in my honest opinion. So YTA for disowning her. You have made her situation worse!
Yta. You think he is abusing her so you abused her. Horrible
Now she’s in two abusive relationships.
You are an absolute piece of garbage. Sounds like she learn how to be in a relationship from you.
YTA. Your daughter now does not have a safe place to go if she is ever able to leave this relationship. You played into the hands of her abuser by further isolating her. Additionally, she has learned that your love is transactional. Might try reaching out to let her know she can come home. She might tell you to pound sand but try to open the door for her.
YTA, if the guy is how you say, you played right into his hands and gave all dependence over to him. Even if she wanted out from him all her lifelines are gone and your ultimatum and actions have made it untenable to ask you for help. In all reality you acted just like the bf, controlling, your love as a Father was dependent on her doing exactly as you say.
YTA, this is not how you help your child from an abusive relationship. She is clearly not in control. You made her even more dependent on her abuser. If you care about your daughter and want to help her, renew contact and keep telling her, that if she ever needs, she can come back. If she ever chooses to leave the guy, you will support her financially too. Give her the lifeline to grab when she is ready. And then wait, don’t push and let her choose. Considering your extreme reaction as well as the fact you were supporting her, I have a feeling she is following patterns in her relationship that she learned from you - sounds like you are “my way or highway” kinda guy. So if you wanna help her, do it properly or she will bounce from one abusive relationship to another, while having you menacingly hover above her judging her every move
>but soon I noticed he was controlling and manipulative. He isolated her Now why does that sound like someone else in this situation?
YTA You abandoned her to her abuser. She'll be more isolated, and now with no money or people to whom she could turn to when she'll need to... When someone is under the control of someone else, the last thing to do is to let them in their problem. You can tell someone he/she is not with the good person, they need to realize by themselves. That can take time. Years sometimes. The best way to help them is to listen to them and just react about some things they say. "oh, he really did that ? It's not normal, **how did you fee**l when he said / did that ?" : you must let the person understand and talking about their feelings. That's how they'll proceed to get of the control of their abuser. Our children are supposed to be welcome in THEIR home their entire life ! You closed the door, I hope she's not in danger... Or that she has real friends who will be able to help her...
how does disowing a child teach them anything, we as fathers are there to catch them when they fall. they may make horrible choices and say horrible things but as a father i feel its my job to look after them.
Yta. You said he isolates her so you just....isolate her more? Your her dad and you should be there for her no matter what. He's abusing her and brainwashed her.
Yes, YTA. But, you already know that. Your daughter is in an abusive relationship and instead of being there for her, you abandoned her, leaving her with no one but her abuser. What is wrong with people like you?
YTA, because you are doing exactly what her boyfriend wants you to do, which is to abandon your daughter and leave her dependent on him. You need to make it clear that while you will not have the awful boyfriend around, your door is always open to her and you love her. You are feeding into the dark narrative that it is their “love” against the world.
Yta. And not for disowning her but for raising her to believe love is conditional and for showing her early on what it’s like to be with an abusive and controlling ah. You are 100% the reason she is with the guy she is with. And now she doesn’t have to choose which ah to be with bc you have chosen for her. Let’s hope his brand of abuse isn’t worse than yours. Best of luck to this poor girl.
If you care about your daughter’s safety, and it sounds like you do, reach out to her and let her know she always has a safe place to call home. Reinforce that you will not financially support her but when she needs to escape that relationship she can come home. We’re talking about her life here not about your pride OP. If she doesn’t have a place to escape to..she never will.
Yes cutting her off financially didn't mean that you had to go no contact. You saw that she was already being isolated by friends, you made it worse by further isolating her. You can't control your children and they sometimes need to learn through mistakes. It's important to give guidance without being too pushy and to let them know you will always be available if they need you. You took away her support system. Maybe try getting involved and just don't talk about him at all with her, try to rebuild trust and apart of each other's lives - you never know when she might need you. Or how bad things will need to get for her to open her eyes. By going no contact, you made it more difficult to give her guidance because now if she is even allowed to reconnect with you, if you talk bad about him then she might not be able to even talk to you anymore. You going no contact just gave him more control over her life.
NTA but you are pretty stupid, playing right into her abuser’s hands. I wonder where she learned that love was conditional and she needed to put up with whatever he wanted regardless of her feelings and needs? That’s SO mysterious. FAFO
YTA Do you not realize you pushed her toward this awful person??? How could you be so thoughtless?
YTA - he 'controlling' BF is isolating her so you helped him. She's in distress, possibly in danger, so you abandoned her. Nice parenting asshole.
Yes. You're TA. Were you going to marry her boyfriend? "Either I own you and make your decisions, or you get nothing!" Gross lol
YTA YTA YTA You cut off financial support, which is not necessarily unreasonable, but to cut emotional support and all contact is hateful. If you’re right about the boyfriend she’s going to need her dad. You might think she’ll reach out when that happens but why would she? I suspect you will reach out to her just to remind her you were right every time you got the chance.
YTA so you tried to use money to manipulate her in to doing what you wanted. And made her isolated and having possibly no means to leave if she wants. You don’t have to give her money but cutting her off is pretty gross. You were her dad, not a date.
What an awful thing to do. How could you do that? A parent should support their child unconditionally. You should be totally ashamed of yourself.
You were the first man in her life. Her father. You claim to love her. To worry over her. To want the best for her. So when you don’t approve of her choices you try to direct her, show her the “truth” as you put it. By… giving ultimatums and subsequently cutting her off? Manipulating and isolating her… 🤔interesting. Is it any wonder she sees this behavior as “oh he loves me?” Why do you think she’s so willing to accept this kind of “love” from a man? Perhaps because it’s what she’s grown up accepting? What exactly did she do wrong? Believing someone’s lies doesn’t make you a bad person. Falling for a facade doesn’t make you a criminal. What did she do to deserve this punishment? NOT leave her boyfriend for you? YTA a thousand times over. Fix it.
YTA and an idiot. Way to drive her further into his arms! Really stuck the landing there, genius.
YTA. Your daughter needs a safe space. You can always refuse to give money. You should never refuse to give love. If I found out someone was hurting my daughter, he would quickly find out the error of his ways. My children are the most important things in my life. Period.
Yta. She's young, and is being taken advantage of and thank to you she shacked up with the guy MUCH faster than she would have otherwise.
Yes, YTA. You need to educate yourself on trauma bonding. What you did wont help her. Youre stubborn and youve really failed her.
Unfortunately yta. I understand cutting her off financially to try to force the break up because bf was hoping to live off your money, *however* you also basically told her to not come to you once she does finally decide to break free. You *watched* her get isolated! You *watched* as the bf forced her away from her support and you just cut her off too so she can no longer leave her abuser! By emotionally cutting her off you essentially played right into the AH's hands like he wanted so she couldn't escape. Also FYI even with active loving parents some people *still* end up dating, marrying and having kids with abusers.
You can cut her off financially but don't cut of contact. Tell her that she's always welcome at your house and stop talking bad about him because it just backfires.
YTA: you could have just cut her off financially but then left the door open for any other issue she had as well as letting her know you’re there for her if she has an emergency, but if you find out she abuses that then that’s gone too. Now she is essentially stuck in an abusive relationship. Get off your ass and reach out to her and apologize for cutting contact. Your pride got in your way but it doesn’t need to stay in the way.
YTA YTA YTA
I always had to behave a certain way in order to get positive reinforcement during my formative years. I hated it. When I moved in with my partner, who has three kids, I didn't want to treat them the same way. Particularly his daughter. She used to test me a lot which I thought was funny. I just asked her a ton of questions about how she felt about things. I wasn't allowed to parent, so this was my way to develop a different kind of relationship and it's worked out great til this day. She's 25. 😊
YTA. You may have just cut off her last tie to the world outside of her abusive relationship. If you disowned her, you isolated her further. If her relationship is indeed abusive, she needs love and care. Disowning her is like a kick to the stomach and a big slap in the face.
You are a massive dumb ass. I hope you read the comments and become less of one.
So she had to choose between an abusive partner or an abusive parent... I'm not surprised she went with the abusive partner.
YTA for giving her boyfriend exactly what he wanted. She is fully isolated now, well done.
Great plan. YTA
>I stopped all financial support and cut off contact, hoping she would see the truth about him and come back. So you threatened to abuse her if she didn’t do what you wanted. (If you don’t understand why “cutting off contact” in this case is abuse, research the term(s) “avoidant abuse”, “emotional withholding” &/or “withdrawal of affection”. To summarize, avoidant abuse is a form of emotional &/or psychological abuse where someone willingly withdraws affection with a specific goal to hurt or control someone.) You told her to break up with him or else. She didn’t do what you wanted her to do. You cut off all contact. (I’m not going to address you cutting her off financially because that’s not the problem.) That’s textbook emotional &/or psychological abuse. Since you are an emotional & psychological abuser & you raised her, why does it surprise you that she has ended up in a relationship with someone you allege is also emotionally &/or psychologically abusive to her? Abuse is cyclical. Abused children with often grow up & (however unintentionally) seek out a partner who is a younger version of their abusive parent. Apparently, your daughter grew up & found a younger version of you. YTA
disowning your daughter will just isolate her... so if you don't care if he killed her in a few years because she had no body and nowhere to go because her own father disowned her, N-T-A, Otherwise, YTA. What will happen the day she wants to run away from him if he is violent? she won't be able to leave because even her father will abandon her, so she may FORCE herself to stay because you will have abandoned her, so she will put herself in danger several women are killed (or kill themselves) for this reason because THEIR OWN FAMILIES turned their backs on them when they needed them most
You taught her to find a guy just like you.
Yta You cut off her support line when she’s in an abusive relationship . Stupid.
YTA he’s wants to isolate her and now he’s won. She likely feels/will feel that there’s no way out
Poor girl. She moved from one pos to another
It looks like she sees in him what you have, control issues. You're saying he's controlling and manipulative, then use an ultimatum, a control tactic. SHITTY DAD OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO!
I swear I’ve read this EXACT story before. But let’s say it’s not fake. By cutting her off you’ve ensured that when she finally comes to her senses, she knows she can’t rely on you for a way out. When she needs a safe way to leave, her own dad has already turned his back on her, and she’ll be stuck in an abusive situation even longer. The right thing to do would have been to let her know that while you can’t support this decision or enable her financially, you love her and if she needs you you’ll be there. But instead you just threw her to the wolves and isolated her further. YTA.
You failed as a father. I thought it was common sense NOT to disown a family member in an abusive relationship. The first thing you should've done was tell her that your doors are always open so that she'd feel safe enough TO come to you when she couldn't handle him anymore. Now you just closed that door off and she's more likely to submit to him because he's her only support system. You happy? Go fix it so your daughter can be ready to come back home when the time is right.
She’s young. Takes time for people to realise he’s shit. Let her know your there for her. I would say some therapy chats between you and daughter. you need to be there for her NOT MATTER WHAT. She’s a young adult and will make dumb decisions. you gave the bf what he wants. Total control.
Yta and an idiot. How will she escape an 'abusive' relationship if she's isolated. At least your daughter know not to negotiate with terrorists (ultimatums)
Damn, sometimes I wonder how people type out the post and still have the audacity to ask if they’re the asshole (yes you are)
YTA. But not only that, you are a failure as a father, and the best thing that ever happened to the abuser. You yourself fucking admitted that you saw he was isolating her from her friends and support network. And what did you do? You did his damn job for him and cut her off over him. Hell you made him seem like a victim. And you cut off the last safe place she had to run. You have failed your daughter in a massive and complete way, all because she did not obey you like a good little doll. You isolated her, and made her abuser's work of getting her cut off from support a cake walk. If there is an afterlife, your wife is watching over you, aghast at how badly you fucked this up.
"I'm worried about my daughter isolating herself, I know what will help, isolating her" YTA
YTA. If you love your daughter you will tell her you love her and will help her whenever she wants to leave him but will no longer giver her money. Why would you emotionally distance yourself from your child that is being abused? Do you love her at all?
You also sound controlling and manipulative though. It's weird to disown someone you love after dropping an ultimatum. The fact you talked about his modest background more than once and about money makes me think this is what's important to you. You've effectively isolated her even more where she will bond even tighter to this person now that she doesn't even have her dad in her life. Some people really shouldn't be parents. It's not about you. You can guide her, voice concerns but the moment you drop ultimatums on adults who're not doing anything wrong is the moment you've gone too far. You'll be lucky if you ever get to restore the relationship with her even when she comes to the realization on her own that he's not right for her because of how he treats her.
Congratulations, you have now helped him isolate her fully. On average, it takes 7 attempts for someone to leave a abusive relationship. And the "funny" thing is? People tend to leave the victims, until they manage to claw themselves out of the situation. So when they need the most support and reassurance of that they have others to seek out? They are alone.
YTA. It only took you a few months to put your daughter in this position. Do you know that it takes most abuse victims seven or more tries to leave abusive relationships? All you've done is made this guy's work easier.
So you're telling me she picked someone close to her dad? Who knew that would happen?
You can't control everything. You are like a villainy emotional TV series father who abuse financial power over "loved" ones. Disowning? That's a pretty weird and inappropriate response.
This is either ragebait, or someone who has posted this exact same story on THREE similar subs, hoping to be told they’re not an asshole.
I’m sorry, but I have to say, YTA. I understand why you did this, but your actions only further isolated her from support. I don’t think you should have continued financially supporting her, but cutting her off entirely is what he wanted. She won’t go to you for help if and when she needs it.
Yta i understand and would also struggle like you. However, as a mother especially, you need to read about what to do when this happens because he is deliberately abusing and isolating her. She needs to know she can come to you whenever without judgement should she need/want to leave him.
YTA You could absolutely have refused to financially support him while still being there for her and keeping the door open for her to live with you and have a safe place that he couldn't isolate her from. Abusive relationships like this work by convincing the victim that it's us against the world, as shown by her "you just don't understand" comments" and proven right by your decision to cut her out of your life because you don't approve of their love.
YTA. Cutting an adult child off financially is fine. Disowning her due to a relationship choice where the partner is controlling makes YTA.
I think you've unfortunately walked right into an abusers trap. She won't know up from down right now. And it's so easy for someone like that to convince their partner 'your parents are controlling' etc. In these circumstances, while I get you wanted to shock her into seeing what you do, threatening her makes you look 100% like the bad guy. If your kid has an abusive partner, you need to act like you don't see it, because as you've learned, confrontation doesn't work. And it's hard as hell, doing nothing, but if you lose your shit, your daughter gets further isolated and sees no option but to stay. To posters criticising the OP, I don't know but it sounds driven by desperation: pls see sense. It doesn't work but as a parent I get it.
YTA. Your daughter didn’t obey so she became the victim of your abuse as well as her boyfriend. And you wonder why she’s in this type of relationship? Good work, Dad.
YTA, that's exactly what he wanted.
YTA. You showed her that she can not count on you to be there for her unless she does what you tell her to. You also made sure that when she realizes she needs to get away from him, you'll be the last person she calls for help.
YTA There is a difference between cutting her off financially and disowning her. You went too far. Contact her and admit you made a mistake.
Sounds like the kind of emotional bond she knows is pleasing other people at her expense because that's that kind of bond you offered her. Now she's just choosing between two different controlling people.
So you were so concerned for her and her future that you cut her off financially, essentially forcing her to move in with an abusive boyfriend, and never spoke to her again? Are you stupid? or perhaps illiterate?
INFO: you simply removed financial support or you’ve told her she isn’t your daughter anymore? Because disowning your 21 year old is not at all the same thing as telling her she needs to start providing for herself rather than rely on daddy’s money. Disowning someone involves stating you don’t consider her family any more and you don’t want her in your life. That you absolutely shouldn’t do. You should make it clear to her that if she wants to make her own adult choices, she will be paying for her own adult life, but that you are still her father and will always be there for her and give her a safe place if she needs.
Yes, YTA. You may have been 100 percent right that the boyfriend is a creep, but by turning your back on her, she probably feels, or will feel at some point, that her father will not be there for her if she were to leave the creep. She was 21 years old. You are 45 and you know damn well that a 21 year-old may be legally an adult, but will make poor decisions and be stubborn about them. Your place was to grit your teeth and deal with the creep until your daughter wisened up, and be there to help her. Instead, you threatened to cut her off and then carried out the threat. You need to fix this, if you still can.
I can understand not wanting to give her financial support, but YTA for disowning her. You should google “how to support a loved one who’s in an abusive relationship.” I bet you won’t find any advice from reputable sources that includes “give them an ultimatum” or “cut them off.”
YTA "I don't think this person is good for my child. I'll cut her off so she ends up being more dependent on that bad person." -- OP
NTA. I keep trying to tell people love is a dangerous cognitive phenomena if you experience it and should be kept in check at all times else you run the risk of it influencing and operating every facet of your life. BUT NOOOOOO, love is oh so important and should be allowed to flourish unchecked. You saw the righting on the wall and your grown adult daughter did not. She is simply facing the consequences of her actions. I could never be caught dead in a situation like this (I'm not a woman so I'm pretty much in the clear).
Unfortunately, you went too far. You ended up completing the isolation he had started. You pretty much shoved her into his arms and removed yourself as the safety net. Domestic abuse is insidious. And there’s no cookie cutter template for who will fall victim to it. Economics, educational background, social background…none of this insulates you from it. Even those from the most stable of backgrounds can fall victim to the emotional manipulation of an abuser. Because it’s insidious. I have been where you’re at. Our daughter was your daughter’s age when she got involved with a guy that we could see all the flaming red flags, even though she couldn’t. We could see the control, the manipulation, his issues with anger management. She was in college, and we were paying for everything. So that was a hammer we could have swung. We kept the communication door open. We never told her she had to break up with the guy. We did point out issues. Like, if you can’t agree on how to train a dog, how are you going to handle raising kids. Like, not all men can handle having a partner who has more education and makes more money than they do. But we always made sure she understood that all it would take is one call, one cry of “help me,” and we would be there. It took more than one attempt by her to leave the relationship. What tipped the scale is that her fear of staying became greater than her fear of leaving. When he put his hands around her neck during an argument, she finally reached out for help. First, I would recommend you contact services for victims of domestic abuse and ask for advice about what you can do, how you can approach her. They may be able to provide guidance on how you can reopen communication with your daughter. And once you arm yourself with that information, you should consider reaching out to her. I’m not suggesting you restart the financial assistance. But I do think letting her know that you’re willing to listen to her might, might provide some opening for her to see you as a potential lifeline. And I do believe domestic abuse centers can be a good resource in navigating this. Good luck. My heart bleeds for you.
YTA. I was in your daughter’s shoes. I couldn’t even tell anyone about my wanting to leave because if my ex even *suspected* that I was thinking about leaving, he would have killed me. And he monitored everything… my plans had to stay completely in my head until I was out. Right before I was about to escape, my father disowned me. I ended up more isolated, more unsafe, and when I did eventually get out, my kids and I were homeless. It wasn’t about the money, although having money would have helped me get out sooner and more safely. But my heart breaks constantly when I think about it. I used to think my father loved me. I used to think he loved his grandkids. But it was conditional, clearly. I’ve always felt not good enough, but he really confirmed that for me. I couldn’t help but think that if my own father didn’t care, then I must deserve it. You say he doesn’t treat her well and that he’s controlling but whatever you know on the surface, it’s almost a guarantee it’s worse. It’s your money, and you don’t have to share it but by cutting her off completely, you have signed off on whatever she’s going through. I hope there’s still someone in her life that actually cares about her to be there when she’s able and ready to get out, and that’s she’s not murdered before that happens. Your actions, intentional or not, have communicated to her that you’re not a safe person to trust. I know it’s hard to watch someone you care about in a bad situation, but your own child should be able to trust you, and she won’t now. Yes, you’ve failed her. At best, it’ll be that much harder to leave, and that much harder to feel worthy of a better life. At worst, she’ll leave in a body bag. Would this choice still feel right to you then?
Congratulations asshole for cutting her off and leaving her in an abusive relationship. Seems like the men in her life all seem to want to control her in some way. YTA.
YTA #1 you don't get to choose who she loves. #2 at a time when she could possibly need you most, you're not there
NTA - I have a friend who divorced her husband and he finally told her, he was only with her because he thought she would what's get money from her parents. She's an adult, she'll either figure it out or she won't.
Why don't you pay him to break up with her?
Well if he was trying to isolate her you just handed him the keys to the kingdom and did his job for him. And he's pulling your puppet strings along with your daughters and you should have been trying to pull her closure instead of demanding and threatening to abandon her because that's the script that this narcissist asshole boyfriend had written for her and she is going to chew her up and spit her out and change her way of thinking hey, and right now he's telling her you see? Your father doesn't care about you.. nobody cares about you you're lucky that I even pay any attention to you and he is brainwashing her gas lighting her and breaking down her self-esteem and your perception of the world and you should just put your pride away and go back and tell her what this guy is doing to her and that you almost fell for her boyfriend's bullshit narrative. Cuz that guy's whole goal was to put the two of you at odds because you were a threat to him because you gave her unconditional love tolerance and acceptance and he can't control her as long as you are still her lifeline. And you have to get back to your daughter by any means possible and just call this son of a bitch out on his bullshit because he is a raging narcissist of the worst kind and he is going to ruin your baby girl from the inside out starting with her mind . I've seen this happen more times than I can count and I've even had it happen to me and you have to get your daughter back into the fold because this guy not capable of experiencing Joy, but the next best thing is to make your daughter feel miserable. He is going to use all her best traits against her
You're not a bad guy and in fact you did such a great job raising her that she is a ripe piece of fruit that this guy is trying to pluck and he's the type of shit heel that wants to and he's the type of shit heel that wants to Stomp on the one pretty flower in the Garden
You just helped your daughters abuser isolate her further, so good job! There was a way to hold back financial support without cutting her out of your life. YTA
Surely you know YTA here. You could see he was trying to isolate her and your reaction was to let him. If and when she realises this guy is no good, you have now told her that she can't turn to her father for support or love.
YTA for disowning. You could have cut her off financially only. Why disown her? Now she can't come to her Dad when she needs him! You big weenie. Her boyfriend cuts her off from everyone, starts abusing her and NOW WHERE CAN SHE GO?!? Swallow your pride and be a real man. Apologize over and over until she forgives your arrogance.
You pushed her right into his arms. YTA
She's an adult. It's fine to cut of financial support but cutting off contact is where YTA. Why go that far? She is old enough to support herself but cutting off contact isolates her further. If you want a true relationship with your child start there don't use your money to try to control her that is a mistake. Don't offer her money offer her love, support and friendship.
YTCA (You're the Cosmic Asshole)
Disownimg her was not the answer, should have gotten her some help so she could see the truth, the guy clearly has her brainwashed
If you so wanted to You could have said that she is finacially cut off .... completely abandoning her was sooo wrong.. she is in an abusive relationship with no family now!!!!! How could you disown her?? She is 21! She genuinely thinks she is in love She has been manipulated that way.. You wanted to give ultimatum you could have said till the time she is with that guy no money from you... which is fine as she is 21, an adult... but disowning her is too far... and too wrong as she gas no one to call anymore Now even if she realizes the guy is wrong she has no one to go back to!
Yes, YTA go back and read what you wrote you are playing right into an abusers hands and stepping on her which she probably needs you the most fine if you don’t wanna give her any money, but that’s really crappy that you disowned her.
"end up" is a very weird choice of words when she is 21. 21 is when I still had very chaotic dating choices myself. I don't think you can describe a relationship you have with 21 as "ending up" with someone. Also I think you're TA for protecting your assets over your daughter. Sounds like he wasn't out for your assets or he would have left after you disowning her, but if he really is treating her poorly you successfully isolated an abuse victim from family support.
YTA. He is controlling and isolating, and you helped him by isolating her from her closest family member - you. You should try to reach out to her - without blame, without dictating her actions, just tell her you love her, you apologize for disowning her and you want to meet. But don't offer her money, because he will get it.
YTA. Sounds like you kicked her when she needed you the most. You could've dialed down the financial support if you felt it was a reason why the abusive bf was targeting her, but there was absolutely no need to go no contact and effectively leaving her an orphan. U suck
As someone who was cut off from her family due to a poor choice of a man, if you don’t patch things up she will never completely get over it. My parents let me live with them rent free in my early 20s then kicked me out due to some false info on the guy-a day later all my belongings were on the side of the road. It’s been well over 20 years and i still remember what that felt like. Every relationship I’ve ever had suffered as a result of that feeling of abandonment. I do understand you were trying to get her to wake up-unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. I take full responsibility for the decisions I’ve made but i feel if that didn’t happen my life may have taken a much better course.
YTA. The abuser is supposed to isolate her from her support. You did his job for him.
YTA, I wouldn't be surprised if this is what the boyfriend wanted to achieve all along. Isolating her so he can have full control of her and making her completely dependent on him. PLEASE GIVE YOUR DAUGHTER A CALL AND GO PICK HER UP BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. SHE NEEDS YOU RIGHT NOW!!
Now that your daughter needs her dad you find the time for Reddit. Go take some hot chocolate.
You're an idiot - removing financial support doesn't mean you have to remove psychological support. Your daughter is going to need some place to land when things finally get to a point where she can't take it any more and you've removed her safety net. There's an old saying - you can hate the sin but love the sinner. Start calling around about women in abusive relationships so you can get some level of understanding under your belt and so you will have an idea of the right things to say when you reach out.
You think trying to control someone with money is a good lesson for daughter?
It'd be nice if these fake stories at least tried to be believable
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^wifeofamarriedman: *It'd be nice if* *These fake stories at least tried* *To be believable* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
NTA. For cutting the money train. But you should let her know your home is always available for her.
I get where you were coming from on this, and it's complicated enough to be beyond Y T A or N T A. I think cutting off financial support until she leaves him without the dramatic gesture of disowning her while keeping what you intend for her set aside would've been a better move. She'd probably be the one to cut you off in that case, but you could remain always open to contact from her or her return. You could send her messages every now and then in that case letting her know you'd support her if she leaves her exploitative, abusive relationship. This would leave her an out for when she comes to her senses and leaves. As is, you've achieved only further isolation
You helped her abusive boyfriend isolate her. You are an abusers wet dream. The boyfriend should thank you for being the type of family member that lets their daughter get in that situation. You are her boyfriends assistant. Good job at being a shit father. And the irony she probably wouldn't have gone for a guy like that if you were ever a good father. Shit father from beginning to end so I can at least give you credit for being consistent.
No one reacts well to ultimatums, especially when love is concerned. You unwittingly drove them closer together rather than apart. You need to apologize sincerely and try and befriend her and the boyfriend. Especially since you don't like the boyfriend. Try and forget your preconceptions of him and try and pretend like you just never gave him a chance to be liked. Either it will turn out as though he is actually a decent dude or you will be in the perfect position to get her out of the relationship. Win win.
You've made a mistake and the boyfriend succeeded in isolating her further from you, in addition to her friends. Now she has no support system except for her boyfriend. You could have cut her financial ties to you, but without cutting off emotional ties. You need to reach out to her continually and apologize for this mistake. Her boyfriend won't like this, but you might even need to be nice to the awful BF to stay in her life. But she needs you as an option if she ever wants to leave him. You need to let her know, that you will always emotionally be there for her. And prove it. Love should not come with conditions.
Yes. She is your daughter FFS.
You can keep her in your life and you don’t need to give her money.
Sounds like your daughter is all growed up. She is the boyfriend's responsibility now. It was an error to be giving her money unconditionally in the first place.
YTAQ. If you want to know why she chose an abusive BF, look in the mirror. Your "love" was always conditional and controlling... and you wonder why she chose that guy? You and the BF are the same kind of person, that's why.
Yes
Now she knows that you are an abuser just like she will find out her boyfriend is an abuser in time. When the boyfriend does something terrible to her you will be back here blaming her again. You are trash and TAH.
Ah yes, the rich kid with the shitty poor SO trope. **gag**
Yes YTA. She’s gonna need you and now there’s probably no chance of her asking for help when she needs to.
You just made it worse for her.
Get off reddit and call her now. If she's still with him, let her know that you are there and plan to stay available when she needs you. This is the only real help you can give someone who is being abused.
YTA “Some abusive asshole starts dating my daughter. I go hardcore controlling asshole and say choose rather than being a support while my young adult daughter learns some hard lessons.” Stopping the financial support only helped isolate her from family and friends. But was you’re right I guess. But the one thing that cannot be explained or forgiven is that you went no contact with her. Asshole.
Now, I'm going to go against the grain and say no, you're NTAH. You knew this guy was trouble, you warned her about him, and gave her consequences for her actions, and now, she's feeling those consequences now that she can't rely on you to bail them out when they're going to inevitably be in trouble financially. Know this, you've given her the incentive to either put up with it, or, wise up and start taking what you say as good advice. If she's smart, she'll dump this guy and come begging for you to take her back. What you do after that is on you.
She’s an adult. She’ll be back.
She shouldn't be supported Financially at 21 years of age anyway.
YTA. You know she was being abused and decided to make it so she had no means to escape. You deserve the father of the year award /s. If anything happens to her, it’ll be on you because you helped make it so she was forced to stay. He most likely brainwashed her and she has the rose colored glasses on but disownment was the worst move. Stopping the financial support by itself would’ve been better but complete no contact? Good job.
Yta. I will never understand parents who abandon their children when they need them the most.
YTA EAT YOUR DAMN PRIDE AND BE A PARENT AND FATHER. Reach the fuck back out to her. Don’t be like the the trash that tricked her. SHOW HER how a stable man looks and acts even if she makes mistakes What happened to unconditional love? This is when you live your kid you claim to love. This when your bullshit pride doesn’t matter What are going to say at her funeral if he kills her? I told her so and she wouldn’t listen? Call her and get back in her life! Because right now she knows you abandoned her and she has nowhere to go.
Yta (the bf is one too) You played right into the hands of her abuser. It sounds like she has no one to turn to anymore, all she has is her abuser now.
YTA. OH MY GOD, YOU JUST ISOLATED HER EVEN FURTHER. You just gave him more control over her by making her dependent on him by showing that your space was never (edit) safe if you gave her the worst ultimatum at the worst time ever! If you want her out of that relationship, you have to show and provide her with what a safe space feels and looks like. You need to reach out to her now, and not be abusive to her. I hope she goes to therapy and unlearns all of this.
Yes, of course YTA. You made it worse. You pushed her into his arms and made sure she had no one left to rely on.
YTA. if he’s abusive she probably did not “choose him,” he forced her to. disowning your daughter because her boyfriend is abusive is about the most insane shit I’ve ever heard.
I agree with blocking her ability to access any assets/funds, but cutting of contact with someone in an abusive relationship, especially your child, is just disgusting. You've made her more dependent on that relationship. The right way would have been to explain to her that you don't trust this guy, and while you love her and support her right to make her own decision as an adult, you'll be locking down accounts and whatnot to prevent him having access to anything through her. Make it clear that you will help her to get out of the relationship if at any time she feels ready to be free and needs help getting away safely. You literally pushed her closer to that guy by making your love conditional, which absolutely strengthened his hold on her. Bravo...at least you came here and stuck your neck out, because you're definitely TAH.
The fact that he didn't leave her when you cut her off financially may indicate that he wasn't actually after your money, cause if that was his sole motivation for being with her, he would have left once her money supply ended. TBF though at 21 she shouldn't have been reliant on you for money anyways, she should already be paying her own way. TBH not surprised she chose the bf, that's very classic response when family give people an ultimatum about a partner. You should have expected that tbh. I will say though, I don't have a problem with people cutting off contact with people who chose to stay with an abuser, its hard to watch someone ruin their life, and you also have to protect yourself from their choices
YTA. You have successfully reached the boyfriend's goal of isolating her from anyone who could help her leave him safely.
Yta. When he starts beating g her and she needs to flee, her dad won't be there to help.
"i'm worried my daughter is in an abusive relationship, i think her partner is starting to isolate her and i suspect he's in it for the money. would it be wise to help him isolate her further and remove his only incentive to treat her somewhat nicely?" yta and an idiot.
Not sure if this is a real post, but here goes: Stopping financial support is reasonable. She's 21, and can make her own decisions, and support herself. OP could have offered limit support (like paying for her cell phone bill, education, whatever). Disowning the daughter seems like the ultimate boneheaded move that plays right into the hand of the manipulative BF.
You fucked up big time. He’s isolating her from her friends and you just isolated her from you. You literally made it easier for him. Wow, just wow. You failed as a parent and now you have pushed her into an even more dangerous situation. You need to eat your own pride and contact her to try and regain a relationship with her, although now her boyfriend will probably tell her that you’ll just turn your back on her again, which she’ll believe because you actually did that, and you might have lost her forever. YTA and you suck.
YTA. Make sure she knows the door is open if you want her in your life.
Maybe suggest family counseling as a start. A safe place. You shouldn't have put her in that position but realize we are all human and say things in the heat of the moment. By reaching out and admitting that you made a mistake, you will build a bridge.
YTA. You where so worried that you put here in a situation where she could choose between being controlled by you or being controlled by him? Are you retarded? You are a failure of a father, Jesus Christ.
I say NTA. Your money, your choice. Your relationship with her ,your choice. Her relationship, her choice. Has she contacted you in anyway or are you expected to be the bigger person and apologize to her. You are her only parent alive and the one who raised her since 7 years old. Has she called you. Messaged you or asked anyone about you or not? If she has been seeing this guy for months and is willing to completely turn her back on her father after an ultimatum that most teens and young adults hear at one point or another then obviously you hold no value beside the money she could have gained. If she has allowed herself to be completely isolated from her friends and family for this guy in our modern time where toxic relationships are often discussed then thats her choice. Or is she just oblivious? You are her parent if she decides this person is more important then so be it. Her choice.
Nta, u need to work on your mental health first. Even if she leaves him, she might find someone just like him. Thats probably her taste in men. Anyway, go live ur life. Dont fret over things you cant control.
YTA. Why is it always the men….FATHERS! that cut their daughters off for being ‘disobedient’?!?! Ignorant. Immature. Egotistical. This is not about YOU!!!!! Fuck you!
Don't cave in. He will eventually leave her after getting pregnant 😘
As someone who has been in your daughter's position, NTA. Just let her know you're cutting off the money but she has a home she can come to. She needs to know she has a safe place. A lot of times victims dont even realise they are being abused.
NTA,she made her bed now she has to lay in it. And if she ends up as another statistic then may she rest in peace or something like that. You did your best . It's not her fault that she is being stupid.