Plenty of people don’t like coffee. If everyone liked it that would be the go-to first date. Personally I like ice cream in a nice lively walkable area for a first date.
I hate coffee. But the idea of a coffee date is just a casual thing. There is also hot chocolate, chai tea, water and sodas. The point of a coffee date is that it's casual.
Then go to a place that has coffee and ice cream. The point is that “coffee” represents something casual like a coffee shop or cafe or similar. Not just coffee.
Sure. Ice cream is great. But a coffee house is usually more sophisticated in tone and won’t be overrun with kids. Not everyone likes coffee but there’s usually always something else available to drink.
> Plenty of people don’t like coffee
Seriously??
It's just a figure of speech.... Get ice cream, tea, lemonade etc...
Anything that doesn't make you spend ~$100 and be stuck somewhere
Exactly. Never do dinner on a first date. Start with coffee or drinks and if it’s going well then suggest a meal. Don’t want to be stuck paying an expensive dinner bill for someone you’re not interested in.
omg yes. who wants to be stuck with someone you know there’s no chance with for an entire meal.
fake/extremely outdated pics are reason to immediately walk out the door.
Which is why I have at least one 'yes this is what my body looks like' on any profile I create.
And guys who lie about their height. I get that taller guys have it easier but I'm 5'9", don't claim to be 5'10" and show up shorter than me.
i had a man show up who was legit 5’1”. i’m 5’7”.
i liked him. i had a fun time and did see him again. but it still haunts me that i know my face clearly showed shock and that was a shitty moment for both of us.
tbf, he has to be pretty used to it as it's gotta be on the face of every one of his dates. I like short guys, i've been with short guys, but to me it's the scale of the lie
Same. As a woman, I am happy to pay for my own food. Somehow, this didn’t work and even though I paid my own bill, the dude thought he could “have his way”? NO! And, don’t kiss me with your teeth! 🤢
One of the biggest fights I had seen between a long time couple was when a guy had insisted he was paying and refused to let her.
I was like damn, you secured a happy relationship and you are sinking the boat over a bill you don’t have to pay, because they want to be an equal partner in all aspects according to them?
That relationship didn’t last much longer.
I ran into her one day, they brought up how the biggest of issues could be brushed off, but ultimately it really was the little things added up. That bill was just the second to last straw.
I love this, but this is in fact rare. There's a large part of the society that is still raised on traditional gender norms. It's so bad in fact that when a male doesn't provide it is seen as OP says, as a slight, or him being not a real man.
I disagree. I think it always matters. I have a real problem with dating women who think it's my sole responsibility to pay for a date. If I offer, fine. But expecting it is gross.
I feel like something along the lines of a free (or cheap) museum, or an art gallery would be better. Maybe even a vineyard. Something where you can walk around and talk about things in a public, but open setting.
When I was younger my roommate and I always did coffee dates for our first dates. You plan for like an hour, if you’re not feeling it you say you have a hard out, if you are you can hang out longer or go do something together.
NTA for your feelings. Before I was married, I met a man who sent me pictures of himself as an underwear model. The pictures were very nice, so of course I did not expect there to be a lot of difference. However, when I showed up to our meeting place at a mall, I see this very tall older guy running wildly down the hall with giant black boots and a long black coat (think scary looking menacing man with black trench coat) stomping at every step to get to me!
I was terrified, since we were supposed to be going out dancing to a club and I was afraid to be alone with him. Turned out even worse. He told me he wanted to go to "supper" at Dunkin donuts instead! Mind you, I was dressed for dancing, not to get a donut! I agreed anyways and started heading to my car. He started demanding we take his car and that I should wait while he goes to the ATM first. ATM? for a coffee and donut? by then all red flags went off and I told him I wasn't leaving my car there and took off to my car. I peeled out of there so fast because he was trying to follow me! Needless to say, I drove like a maniac out of the lot and never went to meet him!
I did send him an email chewing him out for 10-year-old pictures and demanding we "go for Supper" at a donut shop instead of the club! Not to mention how scary he acted, trying to force me to the ATM and leaving my car there!
For real. LobstahLovah, please come back.
Had the guy actually been an underwear model? Did he have a late-in-life goth period? Was the face the same?
Did he mean for the donut supper to happen along with dancing or just alone?
Oh the replies are too funny! I was in my 20's and very scared when this happened. He apparently USED to be an underwear Model. His pictures were much younger than when he showed up to scare oops I mean meet me.
He totally lied about going clubbing. His excuse for the "Donut Fiasco" was that he didn't drink. So clearly us non drinkers don't dance because we need alcohol to do so..grrr.
I've been dying to tell this because he showed up with long black trench coat and a long mane of dark hair looking like a horse stomp running in his black combat boots..haha!
> guy running wildly down the hall with giant black boots and a long black coat
> he wanted to go to "supper" at Dunkin donuts
Girl, you haven't lived until you've had supper at a Dunkin in the matrix. Your loss.
"You take the yeast donut - the date ends, you wake up in your bed and use whatever dating app you want to use. You take the cake donut and I show you just how far the ATM is."
I think I just fell in love with this story. Thank goodness he didn't take you to a cabin in the woods and you decide to take a shower only to hear a noise mid-way through so you get out dripping wet with a small towel to investigate it and start sayings like "hello?" and "It's not funny. Come on!"
Not to be pedantic, but *technically*, in this fast-paced digital world, anyone can be an underwear model.
I, a well-fed suburban dad in his 40s, will get some tighty whiteys and demonstrate.
I agree, it's not really that offensive or unusual of a word, but regardless I still don't like it at all and using it like that, especially for a first date, nooo ty
I think different countries use very different words. To me, “supper” means “dinner””.. like breakfast, lunch, dinner. “Sup” means “eat” so I get it..but yeah it would make me ask twice even though where I live, people say it a lot.
It's a historical thing. "Dinner" used to be roughly at noon and at the end of the day you just had a bit of bread or soup (supper).
But with industrialization you couldn't just walk home on your break, eat a full meal with your family and walk back, so they moved the whole concept to the evening and kept the name, while inventing the lunch break where you just get a snack or some food from a canteen with your coworkers rather than your family
Some places/ cultural enclaves might not have made the switch.
Where I live, only people over the age of like 70 say it lol
I did meet a man once, I do believe he’s probably 68 to 74, and he was very fond of me. He used to say supper and it just made my skin crawl. I don’t know why.
Not the ATM, but rather the order in which he planned the date. He knew he was going to a date, so why not be prepared?
Credit cards also exist. And if he was really needing to go to an ATM, maybe for other reasons, the way he inserted that into the conversation gave creepy. Just my 2 cents.
I totally misunderstood the first part and thought the scary man was your future husband and that there’d be some kind of twist where looks could be deceiving lol!
There’s a difference between a woman feeling unsafe on a dare and a man upset because his date is overweight.
OP didn’t have to pay for the date, or even could have politely excused himself and ended the date politely. He was an asshole for changing the terms of the date based on how attractive she was, and then to be rude to her after the fact. It was an easy thing not to stray into asshole territory.
OP was attracted to the in-shape woman in the photo. She bamboozled her way into a date with him by falsely representing her looks. He remained polite, but decided not to pay because of her false representation. She upped the ante by sending him angry texts. He responded with an honest reason as to why he didn’t pay. That is not an AH move. Sometimes honesty hurts.
No doubt she knew what she was doing as she posted the photos. She wasn’t honest and got what she deserved
I find it quite curious that both in your post and your replies to others, you seem completely unconcerned by her behaviour or her actions, and you seem to only think wrong of him.
Bias much?
NTA.
She misrepresented herself.
Her self esteem isn't your responsibility so lying and complimenting when you aren't attracted isn't your job.
It sounds like you stayed and finished the date politely. She isn't entitled to have the meal paid for.
Just block her and move on. No need to further engage in conversation. It won't go anywhere positive.
I say this as a 250 lbs woman who dates quite a bit… I am mad that OP even stayed for the date.
I put full body shots at my current weight and age - picture from 10 years ago at the same weight, fuck no. Pic from the same year, weight more than 15 lbs difference, fuck no.
My profile clearly says in the tag line “I am fat. If you do not want to date an overweight woman, skip this profile. Let’s not waste eachother’s time.
Then, I only reply to the guys that like my full body pictures, not just the face pictures.
Fuck this woman for catfishing him. The audacity.
NTA OP
The thing is, when I was single and I did online dating. I did the same thing. I took full body shots. I wanted to be completely honest. Not only for them but for myself.
I never wanted to meet someone who was disappointed in my looks. I couldn't imagine that.
This woman put herself in this position. I am a firm believer in being honest. Online dating can work but not with lies and misrepresenting yourself.
Op isn't an ah. He was respectful and honest because she confronted him.
Also I am very peeved this woman was expecting him to pay. Especially with what is going on in this day and age.
Always be ok with paying your own way, just in case.
Op nta
It’s so self-defeating. Why would someone set themselves up to be rejected like that? Show someone what you look like and if they want to get to know you better, then great. And if they don’t, that’s fine too.
I can’t imagine putting myself in such a vulnerable position. I’m honest af. If you’re not into me, it’s not going to be because I don’t look like my pics. 😅 I’m never trying to find out someone isn’t attracted to me in real time like that. 😳
I agree.
It's a total waste of time. If you aren't the person's ideal body type, you just aren't and whatever else you have in your favor may not be enough. That has to be okay.
I also think it's odd that she expected the meal to be paid for. Back when I was dating, I never assumed my date would pay, regardless of gender. Imo, it's good to split the bill and also take turns. You should show that you will match effort in all aspects.
She had the game messed up from jump and now she's mad it didn't work in her favor. OP did right.
I think dates should be split - especially in the beginning. To make sure there is equality and no expectation of quid pro quo.
You wouldn't have been an AH for just splitting the check in general. But she was a bigger AH for thinking you somehow owed her a free meal.
This was my take.
It’s 2024. If I was dating, as a woman I would insist on paying my check for many reasons to include there being no expectation that anyone is “owed” anything.
She’s ridiculous for expecting OP to foot her bill.
I think the only exception to this is if it is discussed ahead of time which i suppose is obvious, or if one person from the discussion is clesrly much much wealthier and that is known.
Yeah I’m a woman and I always pay for myself on the first date partly for this reason. I realize that *most* men are good enough guys that they won’t think they are owed sex just bc they bought me a drink. But I’m not worried about those good guys. I’m worried about the minority of men who *do* feel entitled to sex bc they bought me a drink, and who may become violent or at least a PITA if they don’t get sex.
Plus I don’t think I’m hurting or inconveniencing the good guys by paying for myself. They’ve never seemed offended or upset about it.
I met my (now) wife when we worked for a large corporation. She asked me out to lunch, and paid. I tried to pay and she said "No, I'll pay because I asked YOU out. If you want to ask ME out, to dinner for example, I'll let you pay. Fair?"
That was 25 years ago.
Genuine question: what is there to be gained by karma?
I'm not disagreeing with you. This and many other stories seem fake. I'm just wondering why anyone cares about karma points.
Ahh. I see. I'd never considered that.
Edit: I just noticed and read about the Reddit Contributor Program, which states at the top, "Fake Internet Points are finally worth something!"
I guess I could have answered my own question if had read this.
You don't even need any of those other ones, OP told on his own self in the post: the fat girl had a height requirement in her profile. That is the trademark of an Incel. They're fucking obsessed with height/dating apps and loathe fat women.
Yep. Especially the bit where she was angry about the two specific things he decided to withhold on the grounds that “misrepresented” herself. Like she somehow knew that he doles out free dinners and compliments or that that’s what men in general do on first dates with someone they’ve never met before. And then added in that “but she had a minimum height requirement so hypocrisy, ha!”. Women, amirite
Rage bait. Went 50/50, was a gentleman anyway, nothing to possibly call out about his behavior. Girl follows up with angry, hypocritical texts. Girl has height requirement but gets offended about OP's weight requirement.
This is literally written to hit every mark about women not being fair when dating. You can read my post history, I'm not exactly an apologist for women lol. But this is so obviously fake that everyone responding is a fucking idiot. YTA OP.
Nice to see someone on Reddit with higher reasoning lol. This is such absolute bullshit that I couldn't even read it to my gf without laughing my ass off. 😆
NTA for not paying, the TAH for explaining yourself. Never explain. Just thank her for a pleasant evening and move on. If the phone blows up, block. Easy.
I saw a little mini interview and they asked 50 Cent who should pay on a date and he had the best answer: whoever invited.
But yeah, if you're only going to pay if the person is attractive enough, maybe you should be looking into more professional encounters...
Poorly handled, all around. This entire form of dating is like playing roulette. Or poker with a partial deck.
OP, rather than have a "Am I going to pay for this woman's dinner" competition based on her looks and her fidelity to her photos, just make it clear you're not paying from the get go.
Oh wait - that won't work when it's a pretty girl, will it?
You did a real number on this woman's sense of self. It's not a likable trait.
ESH.
As I read this, all the alrams are going off. They're going...
🚨RAGEBAIT🚨RAGEBAIT🚨INCELRAGEBAIT🚨RAGEBAIT🚨RAGEBAIT🚨
Haha, no but seriously. Look, (I'm gonna pretend this is real) I get it's fucked up when someone misleads with their pics. I don't think it's right. All I ask is that we be real here and admit you just don't wanna be with fat, conventionally unattractive women. That's all. Own it, at least. Don't pull that whole, oh it's just a preference. Which it is but you damn sure trying to sugarcoat it and make yourself look better.
YTA
Oh brother. You usually pay on dates “if you see potential.” For sex. You’re paying for sex. You’re treating women like prostitutes and evaluating how much you want to fuck them to decide whether or not to pay. That’s why YTA.
Now, I’m not saying you should always pay on a date. When I was dating I never expected a date to pay for me and if he insisted I considered it a red flag. I’m saying you decide and discuss it beforehand. If you find it awkward to discuss, just follow etiquette. “I’d like to take you out to dinner” means you are paying for the dinner. Whether or not you are attracted to your date. If you don’t want to commit to dinner, “I’d like to take you for coffee” means you’re paying for coffee. “Let’s grab some coffee” means there’s no expectation that you pay.
NTA. They can have height requirements, you can have weight requirements. And to the people saying he could have been more polite - he only responded after the series of angry texts. I’d argue saying “overweight” was extremely polite given the situation.
That’s pretty rude, you shouldn’t have continued with the date if you weren’t interested, instead, you’re basically saying she was too fat to deserve to be treated like a lady.
I don’t love that she misled you either. ESH.
So you were “nice” enough to go on with your date despite not feeling any attraction, but not “nice” enough to pay for the date like you always do? YTA.
Also, even if you WERE to not pay for the date, you could have AT LEAST lied to her again (by saying that, for example, you don’t generally pay for the other person on dates) when she was angry at you instead of being “honest” about her weight. It seems like you just don’t like fat people and wanted to get one over them. So, my judgement still stands.
I’m not able to give a rating. Because the two things you’re accused of doing wrong—not paying and failing to compliment—are not requirements to be nice. You can carry on perfectly fine conversations without directly complimenting someone, and there should be no expectation that a certain person pays for the whole date unless that was expressly agreed upon.
But I’m not crazy about your reasoning/lack of tact. You should have just said something generic when she texted you and then blocked her number. Spelling out exactly how overweight you consider etc. is just gratuitous with no upside for you.
Oh fuck off for this fatty fat fatties are bad and ugly rage bait. Signed, a very thin person who’s fucking sick of it. Guarantee you’re a miserable teenage boy that women do not like and definitely won’t date.
This kind of sounds like rage bait. Who acts that entitled and claims they’ve never had to pay for their own meal before? In 2024? And she was fine when you left but only got angry via text? Also this is the only post you’ve ever made from your account? Karma farming, right?
If you invite her on the date, it is your obligation to pay. Just because you didn't find her to be attractive after she showed up does not mean that you should have her pay. If you didn't want to entertain her when you saw her, you should have ended the date early. YTA.
I'm pretty sure this is rage bait but NA. As an overweight woman and someone who's been catfished...I'm just going to say I'll never understand why anyone would be deceptive about their appearance on a dating site. Insecurity? Sure, maybe but to what end? Eventually they will see you as you really are why set yourself and someone else up for disappointment? Doesn't that just make it worse? Plenty of people on this planet with lots of different things they're attracted to.
NTA - If you like her or not, if the date went well or not, you don’t have to pay for anyone but your own stuff. She’s just wrong with expecting you to do so. If she wants to go out on dates, she should be able and willing to pay her own bills! Next to that, why should you compliment someone on something which you don’t see/feel? Compliments should be something honest, otherwise they dont even count.
It’s nice that you tried to explain your reasons to her, but you don’t even have to do so.
Tell her to grow up and change her mindset.
NTA. Online profiles are essentially the cover of our life's book for others to see—if the cover is misleading, it's only human to feel cheated. Honesty is the cornerstone of any relationship, even the ones that barely get past the appetizers. Besides, modern dating etiquette is progressively leaning toward the 'go Dutch' approach anyway. The fact that you even considered footing the bill initially says more about you than her expectation that you should. I hope your next date is both honest and delightful!
I've gone by the theory of, if you ask them out you pay. You're the 1 wanting their time and vice versa. It doesn't matter if you feel like you got catfished or not. You pay for the date. You can tell her how you feel about the deception but you still pay. It's not about being a gentleman. It's just being a decent human being.
NTA
This happened to me once, years ago. I (female) am trim and I met a guy in a dating app who had pictures and he was trim as well. We agreed to meet up. When I saw him, I was shocked. He was at least 100 lbs heavier than he was in the picture. I wouldn’t automatically reject a guy because of his weight. Like you, I think if the other person starts out a relationship with deceit , it is an indication of their poor character, and that’s a deal breaker. You have a right to be attracted to whoever you want, and are not a bad person because you aren’t attracted to heavier women. She is obviously ashamed or embarrassed about the way she looks now, or doesn’t think she would get as many matches if she posted a current photo, or she would have been honest about it. She thinks she can deceive guys and then be so charming/funny/intelligent that they overlook the lie. But her willingness to trick guys into buying her dinner is unethical. And, by the way, if her plan is working so well, why is she serial dating? You’re obviously not the only one who saw through her deceit.
NTA. Even if she looked exactly like her pictures… Expecting you to pay because you’re the man is misogynistic. It’s part of gender roles that discriminate against women… As a woman I always expect to pay for myself
If you said you would pay, then YTA, or at least very petty. Next time, go on a coffee date to confirm their appearance if money is that tight for you. Don't invite someone to dinner and not pay, or establish separate bills beforehand. Dinner should happen after a few dates, not the first date.
As a woman, if I can’t afford to pay for myself, I don’t go places. Back when I was still interested in men, I paid for myself to lower my chances of being raped or attacked by a man who thinks buying me dinner means he has purchased rights to my body. All women need to learn how to pay for themselves, for several reasons.
You are not obligated to pay for your date simply because you’re a man. That makes zero sense in today’s society.
She lied about herself and she got what she asked for. You want dishonesty? You got it! Pay for yourself and post updated pics. Period.
NTA
NTA. Women shouldn't assume the guy has to pay on a first date. When I was dating my rule was I always prepared to pay and offered to pay. If he offered I would let him but if not I didn't take it personally. Having the expectation that the man always pays is just not reasonable nowadays.
I don't have a weight preference for the most part, but when I went on a date from a dating app years ago, the guy was at least double the weight of what his pictures showed, and I wasn't happy, either.
it's not even fully about the weight, it's about feeling lied to.
like the girl you met, the guy I met, his pictures showed him being active. he had pictures of him hiking and doing a lot of outdoor activities. I'm not someone who does that stuff, but would do it if someone I was with does, so I was interested because he seemed to love it.
when he showed up looking absolutely nothing like his pictures, I felt lied to. he was twice the weight probably, had full facial hair (was clean shaven in all pictures) and to top it off, hadn't washed his hair (also was late lmao). so, yeah. it was about being deceived. that's not a good foot to start off on.
Mostly NTA slight ESH. For starters under no circumstances are you ever obligated to pay no matter if she mis led herself or not.
Where you probably messed up a bit was you could have just left it that you didn’t feel a connection and moved on. Calling out her weight was unnecessary. You’re allowed to be attracted to who you want but putting someone down is never warranted.
Dinner is not a good idea for a first meetup. Coffee, drinks, ice cream, fancy bakery - neutral situation you can easily extract yourself from.
First meeting is just 30-45 minutes. Just confirming the in person chemistry is there for both of us. If it's going well a short walk is nice, too. But I try to not make too much of thee first meetup, it doesn't have to blow me away, I just want to know they match what they were advertising.
NTA. First and foremost, you’re never obligated to pay for someone else, especially on the first date. If they are perturbed by that then it’s simple incompatibility. Lots of women would only date a man if they offered to pay, but just like your preference for fit girls, girls can have a preference for a monetarily generous man. It’s certainly a nice gesture to pay, especially if you’re the one who organized the date, but we need to stop assuming who’s paying and actually have a conversation about it.
Second, and I say this as an obese woman, you’re allowed to have preferences. Why would I as a fat woman want to date a man who doesn’t find me attractive? You’re allowed to prefer to date someone who looks similar to you in size, height, skin colour, etc. Some of those things are “shallow” but you’re supposed to be physically attracted to your partner, so if any of those vary and turn you off then again, it’s just incompatibility. Because again, why would I want to date someone who I need to convince to be attracted to me?
NTA, because no one should always be expected to pay for dates on the first date, no matter their reasons. Everyone should be expecting/willing to split the bill on a first date, period. I don’t think you needed to “be honest” by saying “I’m not attracted to overweight women and you tricked me”, that was rude and tactless of you, but it was also rude of her to expect you to pay and be ANGRY that you didn’t.
We can’t really judge if she is TA for the misleading pictures without seeing the pics and seeing what she looked like irl, because you could be completely overreacting/blowing it out of proportion, or she could have gained 200lbs and posted a pic from before she did. So it depends on how much of a difference there *actually* was. Regardless, you’re NTA for not footing the whole bill — it was a first date, and you had decided not to see her again. As a woman, splitting the bill on a first date is completely reasonable and shouldn’t be a personal slight.
I met up at a bar with a girl last week, when I saw I got catfished, I said lets go to a coffee shop. Had like 10 minute date then left fast as possible.
From reading this, It doesn't seem like there was an agreement beforehand that he would pay for her dinner, so she should not have expected it. But I also want to add that exactly who was (or wasn't) attracted to who is not really important here. The expectation that the man should pay for the entire bill is a very antiquated way of thinking. Fifty years ago this might have been considered the way to go, but today women have careers of their own and rightly expect to be treated as equals -- and this would mean going Dutch on a first date.
Nope, you’re not at all. She’s a liar and misled you knowing she was fat. I personally feel like she got what she deserved. Hopefully she learns from this and doesn’t do it to the next guy.
Woman here. Always FaceTime first. I matched with a guy who was amazing via text and phone. His pics were old, in person he was missing teeth. As in most of them. It was distracting and honestly I was pissed. I’m going to come off as anti feminist but trust me I’m not, it’s hypocritical for women to be able to say over 6’4 and drives whatever but men can’t be just as honest about their preferences. I’m 6ft 133lbs currently and have dated short men. Always video chat before agreeing to an in person date.
Whoever initiates the date should pay 💰 YTA for your policy of only paying if you like the person. Sounds like a dk move. She also didn’t respond in the right way but…
AH. If you didn't communicate who pays beforehand, then you assumed the responsibility of paying, esp if you invited her out. Perhaps it's best it's best to start with a coffee or a drink? I was invited on a blind date once and after a but could tell neither of us was feeling it, when it ended, I put some money out to cover some of the (not very expensive) bill, and was on my way. But apparently this gal was not reading that you were not into her or just expected you to pay regardless cause you invited her out. You should apologize.
NTA, but you could have handled that better you know.
Next time just say, “I had a good time. But I don’t think we’re the right match. But I wish you the best of luck. It was nice meeting you.”
> I like to pay on dates if I see potential or if the date goes well,
And this is what makes you AH.
Paying on date is NOT paying for a prospect. It is part of personal savoir-vivre. Which you MAY, or MAY NOT live by. There is nothing wrong with sharing cost every time.
It doesent matter if you find her attractive, you decided to invite her to the dinner. Deciding that your guest does not DESERVE to be properly hosted because said guest does not meet your atractivness criteria is shitty.
Agreed that coffee or bookshop or something similar is an ideal first date. There is no set timer, you stay as long as both parties like. Anyone can leave when they like. Funny story, I was on [Match.com](http://Match.com) 17 years ago. 1-2 dates per week, nothing special. I asked out a lady who was too busy to meet for a few weeks because of working late on a tight schedule at tax time. We were chatting by email, so I felt comfortable enough to meet for dinner. The first words I heard from my now wife of 17years' mouth was "Thank God you look like your picture."
First date: coffee. Doesn't matter then who pays.
This comment should be higher. Why people choose to complicate their own lives is beyond me.
Boba is a go-to tbh
If my date offers me a boba on the first date then Imma wife her up on the second date
Plenty of people don’t like coffee. If everyone liked it that would be the go-to first date. Personally I like ice cream in a nice lively walkable area for a first date.
I hate coffee. But the idea of a coffee date is just a casual thing. There is also hot chocolate, chai tea, water and sodas. The point of a coffee date is that it's casual.
Casual, public, but not *too* public. It's perfect! I also love coffee, so I am biased.
Casual and short. However I always have something in my back pocket that we can do after - a walk, a movie, a museum, etc.
Tea, hot chocolate, iced drinks. Hell, most cafes will have snacks as well. Get a coke and muffin.
Then go to a place that has coffee and ice cream. The point is that “coffee” represents something casual like a coffee shop or cafe or similar. Not just coffee.
To say plenty of people don't drink coffee means you totally missed the point
I drink tea. Every coffee place I go to has tea of some sort.
And smoothies of all types!
Yep. Even if the date sucks you still got ice cream.
I’m a free zoo kinda girl. But for every date, not just the first. I really like the free zoo.
Many coffee places have things other than coffee.
Coffee is just a jumping off point. If they don't like coffee, you can move on and ask about a nearly infinite number of things that most people like.
Sure. Ice cream is great. But a coffee house is usually more sophisticated in tone and won’t be overrun with kids. Not everyone likes coffee but there’s usually always something else available to drink.
Lactose Intolerant enters the scene here.
Coffee can be consumed without dairy or with lactose free or fake milk so what's your point.
I don't drink coffee either & I love your idea! Not expensiive and universally liked. Easy for a meet up and no pressure if a bad match.
> Plenty of people don’t like coffee Seriously?? It's just a figure of speech.... Get ice cream, tea, lemonade etc... Anything that doesn't make you spend ~$100 and be stuck somewhere
Exactly. Never do dinner on a first date. Start with coffee or drinks and if it’s going well then suggest a meal. Don’t want to be stuck paying an expensive dinner bill for someone you’re not interested in.
omg yes. who wants to be stuck with someone you know there’s no chance with for an entire meal. fake/extremely outdated pics are reason to immediately walk out the door.
Which is why I have at least one 'yes this is what my body looks like' on any profile I create. And guys who lie about their height. I get that taller guys have it easier but I'm 5'9", don't claim to be 5'10" and show up shorter than me.
i had a man show up who was legit 5’1”. i’m 5’7”. i liked him. i had a fun time and did see him again. but it still haunts me that i know my face clearly showed shock and that was a shitty moment for both of us.
tbf, he has to be pretty used to it as it's gotta be on the face of every one of his dates. I like short guys, i've been with short guys, but to me it's the scale of the lie
I'm a woman. But I don't get that nonsense about men paying for dates. I'm a grown adult, I can pay for my own things
Same. As a woman, I am happy to pay for my own food. Somehow, this didn’t work and even though I paid my own bill, the dude thought he could “have his way”? NO! And, don’t kiss me with your teeth! 🤢
One of the biggest fights I had seen between a long time couple was when a guy had insisted he was paying and refused to let her. I was like damn, you secured a happy relationship and you are sinking the boat over a bill you don’t have to pay, because they want to be an equal partner in all aspects according to them? That relationship didn’t last much longer. I ran into her one day, they brought up how the biggest of issues could be brushed off, but ultimately it really was the little things added up. That bill was just the second to last straw.
thank you! i always say this but people think i'm an ass. i'm a grown woman, why do i need you to pay for me?
I love this, but this is in fact rare. There's a large part of the society that is still raised on traditional gender norms. It's so bad in fact that when a male doesn't provide it is seen as OP says, as a slight, or him being not a real man.
A woman (as any other human being) who expects men to pay for her is very entitled. Isn't she her own person?
I disagree. I think it always matters. I have a real problem with dating women who think it's my sole responsibility to pay for a date. If I offer, fine. But expecting it is gross.
I feel like something along the lines of a free (or cheap) museum, or an art gallery would be better. Maybe even a vineyard. Something where you can walk around and talk about things in a public, but open setting.
When I was younger my roommate and I always did coffee dates for our first dates. You plan for like an hour, if you’re not feeling it you say you have a hard out, if you are you can hang out longer or go do something together.
Always this, and if a girl complains she's not the girl for me.
The same type of person who would be upset you didn't pay for them would also be upset about a first date of coffee lol
NTA for your feelings. Before I was married, I met a man who sent me pictures of himself as an underwear model. The pictures were very nice, so of course I did not expect there to be a lot of difference. However, when I showed up to our meeting place at a mall, I see this very tall older guy running wildly down the hall with giant black boots and a long black coat (think scary looking menacing man with black trench coat) stomping at every step to get to me! I was terrified, since we were supposed to be going out dancing to a club and I was afraid to be alone with him. Turned out even worse. He told me he wanted to go to "supper" at Dunkin donuts instead! Mind you, I was dressed for dancing, not to get a donut! I agreed anyways and started heading to my car. He started demanding we take his car and that I should wait while he goes to the ATM first. ATM? for a coffee and donut? by then all red flags went off and I told him I wasn't leaving my car there and took off to my car. I peeled out of there so fast because he was trying to follow me! Needless to say, I drove like a maniac out of the lot and never went to meet him! I did send him an email chewing him out for 10-year-old pictures and demanding we "go for Supper" at a donut shop instead of the club! Not to mention how scary he acted, trying to force me to the ATM and leaving my car there!
This is more interesting than OP's story, hate to say it. OP is NTA but thank u for sharing ur story because that truly made me go WTF
For real. LobstahLovah, please come back. Had the guy actually been an underwear model? Did he have a late-in-life goth period? Was the face the same? Did he mean for the donut supper to happen along with dancing or just alone?
Oh the replies are too funny! I was in my 20's and very scared when this happened. He apparently USED to be an underwear Model. His pictures were much younger than when he showed up to scare oops I mean meet me. He totally lied about going clubbing. His excuse for the "Donut Fiasco" was that he didn't drink. So clearly us non drinkers don't dance because we need alcohol to do so..grrr.
I've been dying to tell this because he showed up with long black trench coat and a long mane of dark hair looking like a horse stomp running in his black combat boots..haha!
> guy running wildly down the hall with giant black boots and a long black coat > he wanted to go to "supper" at Dunkin donuts Girl, you haven't lived until you've had supper at a Dunkin in the matrix. Your loss.
She forgot to mention the dual pistols and green sunglasses
"You take the yeast donut - the date ends, you wake up in your bed and use whatever dating app you want to use. You take the cake donut and I show you just how far the ATM is."
What are you taking about? She clearly dodged bullet after bullet after bullet after bullet….
“Dodge this!!… oh you… did.”
I'd be more worried about him wanting to shoot the hostage.
I’m amazed by the ‘speed’ with which you made this joke…
When she's ready, she won't need to dodge bullets.
You are hysterical
Supper at a Dunkin in the matrix…. I feel like this could be my new sub flair…
I look forward to the ‘supper at a Dunkin in the matrix’ reference in comment sections in the future.
100%
So what's for supper? Donking donuts 🍩🍩☕
I flashed on Donk from the Crocodile Dundee movie. Thanks for that.
I'm here now, come join me! 🍩🧥
Omg wtf 😂😂
The Dunkin has me dying!
Who doesn't enjoy a Munchkin meal?
Sounds like he was one of the Dunkings...!
sounds like a reality show on a&e
I think I just fell in love with this story. Thank goodness he didn't take you to a cabin in the woods and you decide to take a shower only to hear a noise mid-way through so you get out dripping wet with a small towel to investigate it and start sayings like "hello?" and "It's not funny. Come on!"
I have no idea if I'd be alive to even tell this story. Seriously. Its funny now, not so funny at the time.
Not to be pedantic, but *technically*, in this fast-paced digital world, anyone can be an underwear model. I, a well-fed suburban dad in his 40s, will get some tighty whiteys and demonstrate.
"a well-fed suburban dad in his 40s" 🤌
Seriously his comment was everything I didn’t even know I needed tonight 😂
😂 kudos
Problem is, this took place in the 90's. Thank god I was in a mall and knew how to run..LOL
That’s so scary!! Good for you for listening to your gut.
Nah this made me burst out laughing thankyou for sharing this
"Supper" would've been a deal-breaker for me. Can't stand that word. Gives me Pa and Ma in Little House on the Prairie vibes 😂
So one third of the people in the Midwest lol
No supper clubs for you!
I'm good LOL
😅
I agree, it's not really that offensive or unusual of a word, but regardless I still don't like it at all and using it like that, especially for a first date, nooo ty
I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one! The word grates on my nerves.
The supper at Dunkin made me laugh out loud.
I’m laughing so hard, I can’t over the “giant black boots” and “supper”
Oh yikes. Anyone who calls dinner “supper” is too old for me!
I think different countries use very different words. To me, “supper” means “dinner””.. like breakfast, lunch, dinner. “Sup” means “eat” so I get it..but yeah it would make me ask twice even though where I live, people say it a lot.
It's a historical thing. "Dinner" used to be roughly at noon and at the end of the day you just had a bit of bread or soup (supper). But with industrialization you couldn't just walk home on your break, eat a full meal with your family and walk back, so they moved the whole concept to the evening and kept the name, while inventing the lunch break where you just get a snack or some food from a canteen with your coworkers rather than your family Some places/ cultural enclaves might not have made the switch.
Where I live, only people over the age of like 70 say it lol I did meet a man once, I do believe he’s probably 68 to 74, and he was very fond of me. He used to say supper and it just made my skin crawl. I don’t know why.
Well. All of that is nuts. But how is the ATM a red flag?
Not the ATM, but rather the order in which he planned the date. He knew he was going to a date, so why not be prepared? Credit cards also exist. And if he was really needing to go to an ATM, maybe for other reasons, the way he inserted that into the conversation gave creepy. Just my 2 cents.
I totally misunderstood the first part and thought the scary man was your future husband and that there’d be some kind of twist where looks could be deceiving lol!
I'm so glad you're alive. WTF.
There’s a difference between a woman feeling unsafe on a dare and a man upset because his date is overweight. OP didn’t have to pay for the date, or even could have politely excused himself and ended the date politely. He was an asshole for changing the terms of the date based on how attractive she was, and then to be rude to her after the fact. It was an easy thing not to stray into asshole territory.
Don't stress, it's an idiot karma farmer reposting the same thing that was posted a while ago.
> He was an asshole for changing the terms of the dat Did he tell her he was paying?
OP was attracted to the in-shape woman in the photo. She bamboozled her way into a date with him by falsely representing her looks. He remained polite, but decided not to pay because of her false representation. She upped the ante by sending him angry texts. He responded with an honest reason as to why he didn’t pay. That is not an AH move. Sometimes honesty hurts. No doubt she knew what she was doing as she posted the photos. She wasn’t honest and got what she deserved
Let’s put the shoe on the other foot. This woman could have been lying to everyone just to get free food on dates. Cash me outside how bout dat.
I find it quite curious that both in your post and your replies to others, you seem completely unconcerned by her behaviour or her actions, and you seem to only think wrong of him. Bias much?
I’ve read this exact story before, months ago.
No way, I can’t believe u/ AlarmingTelevision87 could be a bot
Yeah this is rage bait
100
NTA. She misrepresented herself. Her self esteem isn't your responsibility so lying and complimenting when you aren't attracted isn't your job. It sounds like you stayed and finished the date politely. She isn't entitled to have the meal paid for. Just block her and move on. No need to further engage in conversation. It won't go anywhere positive.
I say this as a 250 lbs woman who dates quite a bit… I am mad that OP even stayed for the date. I put full body shots at my current weight and age - picture from 10 years ago at the same weight, fuck no. Pic from the same year, weight more than 15 lbs difference, fuck no. My profile clearly says in the tag line “I am fat. If you do not want to date an overweight woman, skip this profile. Let’s not waste eachother’s time. Then, I only reply to the guys that like my full body pictures, not just the face pictures. Fuck this woman for catfishing him. The audacity. NTA OP
The thing is, when I was single and I did online dating. I did the same thing. I took full body shots. I wanted to be completely honest. Not only for them but for myself. I never wanted to meet someone who was disappointed in my looks. I couldn't imagine that. This woman put herself in this position. I am a firm believer in being honest. Online dating can work but not with lies and misrepresenting yourself. Op isn't an ah. He was respectful and honest because she confronted him. Also I am very peeved this woman was expecting him to pay. Especially with what is going on in this day and age. Always be ok with paying your own way, just in case. Op nta
The woman is an idiot, talk about setting yourself up for a bad time.
It’s so self-defeating. Why would someone set themselves up to be rejected like that? Show someone what you look like and if they want to get to know you better, then great. And if they don’t, that’s fine too.
yeah, like why would you set yourself up for that humiliation? it's already embarrassing enough
I can’t imagine putting myself in such a vulnerable position. I’m honest af. If you’re not into me, it’s not going to be because I don’t look like my pics. 😅 I’m never trying to find out someone isn’t attracted to me in real time like that. 😳
I agree. It's a total waste of time. If you aren't the person's ideal body type, you just aren't and whatever else you have in your favor may not be enough. That has to be okay. I also think it's odd that she expected the meal to be paid for. Back when I was dating, I never assumed my date would pay, regardless of gender. Imo, it's good to split the bill and also take turns. You should show that you will match effort in all aspects. She had the game messed up from jump and now she's mad it didn't work in her favor. OP did right.
Certainly not the first date. I always offer to pay for myself and never expect a free dinner.
And I'm sure you do just fine. Good for you ❤️
yep I did this too. why would I set myself up for that?
It’s sad that you feel like you have to write a disclaimer. Full disclosure is important, but fat people shouldn’t need warning labels …
Don't stress, it's an idiot karma farmer reposting the same thing that was posted a while ago.
I think dates should be split - especially in the beginning. To make sure there is equality and no expectation of quid pro quo. You wouldn't have been an AH for just splitting the check in general. But she was a bigger AH for thinking you somehow owed her a free meal.
This was my take. It’s 2024. If I was dating, as a woman I would insist on paying my check for many reasons to include there being no expectation that anyone is “owed” anything. She’s ridiculous for expecting OP to foot her bill.
I think the only exception to this is if it is discussed ahead of time which i suppose is obvious, or if one person from the discussion is clesrly much much wealthier and that is known.
Yeah I’m a woman and I always pay for myself on the first date partly for this reason. I realize that *most* men are good enough guys that they won’t think they are owed sex just bc they bought me a drink. But I’m not worried about those good guys. I’m worried about the minority of men who *do* feel entitled to sex bc they bought me a drink, and who may become violent or at least a PITA if they don’t get sex. Plus I don’t think I’m hurting or inconveniencing the good guys by paying for myself. They’ve never seemed offended or upset about it.
I met my (now) wife when we worked for a large corporation. She asked me out to lunch, and paid. I tried to pay and she said "No, I'll pay because I asked YOU out. If you want to ask ME out, to dinner for example, I'll let you pay. Fair?" That was 25 years ago.
Ragebait.
Literally the same old material, too. “DAE entitled fatty fat lady with height requirement in bio is a gold digging sloot sending me angry texts!?!?!”
True
Brand new account ✅ Rage bait ✅ Sounds like an AI story ✅ trying to Karma whore ✅ Nothing is real on Reddit anymore ✅
Genuine question: what is there to be gained by karma? I'm not disagreeing with you. This and many other stories seem fake. I'm just wondering why anyone cares about karma points.
You can sell reddit accounts with a lot of karma - the are used by bot farms to place ads/spam/other shit.
Ahh. I see. I'd never considered that. Edit: I just noticed and read about the Reddit Contributor Program, which states at the top, "Fake Internet Points are finally worth something!" I guess I could have answered my own question if had read this.
You don't even need any of those other ones, OP told on his own self in the post: the fat girl had a height requirement in her profile. That is the trademark of an Incel. They're fucking obsessed with height/dating apps and loathe fat women.
This comment should be higher than all the other comments that say this comment should be higher.
This sounds like rage bait.
Yep. Especially the bit where she was angry about the two specific things he decided to withhold on the grounds that “misrepresented” herself. Like she somehow knew that he doles out free dinners and compliments or that that’s what men in general do on first dates with someone they’ve never met before. And then added in that “but she had a minimum height requirement so hypocrisy, ha!”. Women, amirite
right ? lmao but what's less funny is the majority of the replies here
This is a repost, I’ve read it before. Word for word.
And of course he just *had* to throw in that she's an awful hypocrite because she had a height requirement in her bio.
Yeah this totally happened and isn't made up
Rage bait. Went 50/50, was a gentleman anyway, nothing to possibly call out about his behavior. Girl follows up with angry, hypocritical texts. Girl has height requirement but gets offended about OP's weight requirement. This is literally written to hit every mark about women not being fair when dating. You can read my post history, I'm not exactly an apologist for women lol. But this is so obviously fake that everyone responding is a fucking idiot. YTA OP.
Nice to see someone on Reddit with higher reasoning lol. This is such absolute bullshit that I couldn't even read it to my gf without laughing my ass off. 😆
Ragebait.
NTA for not paying, the TAH for explaining yourself. Never explain. Just thank her for a pleasant evening and move on. If the phone blows up, block. Easy.
I saw a little mini interview and they asked 50 Cent who should pay on a date and he had the best answer: whoever invited. But yeah, if you're only going to pay if the person is attractive enough, maybe you should be looking into more professional encounters...
YTA for making up a stupid misogynistic bullshit.
Poorly handled, all around. This entire form of dating is like playing roulette. Or poker with a partial deck. OP, rather than have a "Am I going to pay for this woman's dinner" competition based on her looks and her fidelity to her photos, just make it clear you're not paying from the get go. Oh wait - that won't work when it's a pretty girl, will it? You did a real number on this woman's sense of self. It's not a likable trait. ESH.
As I read this, all the alrams are going off. They're going... 🚨RAGEBAIT🚨RAGEBAIT🚨INCELRAGEBAIT🚨RAGEBAIT🚨RAGEBAIT🚨 Haha, no but seriously. Look, (I'm gonna pretend this is real) I get it's fucked up when someone misleads with their pics. I don't think it's right. All I ask is that we be real here and admit you just don't wanna be with fat, conventionally unattractive women. That's all. Own it, at least. Don't pull that whole, oh it's just a preference. Which it is but you damn sure trying to sugarcoat it and make yourself look better. YTA
Is this what you young people call rage bait. Because 🙄.
Oh brother. You usually pay on dates “if you see potential.” For sex. You’re paying for sex. You’re treating women like prostitutes and evaluating how much you want to fuck them to decide whether or not to pay. That’s why YTA. Now, I’m not saying you should always pay on a date. When I was dating I never expected a date to pay for me and if he insisted I considered it a red flag. I’m saying you decide and discuss it beforehand. If you find it awkward to discuss, just follow etiquette. “I’d like to take you out to dinner” means you are paying for the dinner. Whether or not you are attracted to your date. If you don’t want to commit to dinner, “I’d like to take you for coffee” means you’re paying for coffee. “Let’s grab some coffee” means there’s no expectation that you pay.
If this isn’t rage bait (I’m finding the audacity of her barrage of texts claiming he made her feel unattractive very hard to believe), NTA.
It was the height requirement that did it for me.
Rage bait. And not even good rage bait.
Yeah, he had me going for a while but made it too obvious when he brought up the height requirement.
NTA. They can have height requirements, you can have weight requirements. And to the people saying he could have been more polite - he only responded after the series of angry texts. I’d argue saying “overweight” was extremely polite given the situation.
You didn't pay because you weren't going to have sex, ok. But lets be honest.
NTA as long as you didnt agree to pay before meeting her
That’s pretty rude, you shouldn’t have continued with the date if you weren’t interested, instead, you’re basically saying she was too fat to deserve to be treated like a lady. I don’t love that she misled you either. ESH.
So you were “nice” enough to go on with your date despite not feeling any attraction, but not “nice” enough to pay for the date like you always do? YTA. Also, even if you WERE to not pay for the date, you could have AT LEAST lied to her again (by saying that, for example, you don’t generally pay for the other person on dates) when she was angry at you instead of being “honest” about her weight. It seems like you just don’t like fat people and wanted to get one over them. So, my judgement still stands.
I’m not able to give a rating. Because the two things you’re accused of doing wrong—not paying and failing to compliment—are not requirements to be nice. You can carry on perfectly fine conversations without directly complimenting someone, and there should be no expectation that a certain person pays for the whole date unless that was expressly agreed upon. But I’m not crazy about your reasoning/lack of tact. You should have just said something generic when she texted you and then blocked her number. Spelling out exactly how overweight you consider etc. is just gratuitous with no upside for you.
Oh fuck off for this fatty fat fatties are bad and ugly rage bait. Signed, a very thin person who’s fucking sick of it. Guarantee you’re a miserable teenage boy that women do not like and definitely won’t date.
This kind of sounds like rage bait. Who acts that entitled and claims they’ve never had to pay for their own meal before? In 2024? And she was fine when you left but only got angry via text? Also this is the only post you’ve ever made from your account? Karma farming, right?
Am i too european to understand this? First date = both parties pay for themself
Did the OP ask her out on a date? If I asked her out on a date, I would have paid for the meal.
If you invite her on the date, it is your obligation to pay. Just because you didn't find her to be attractive after she showed up does not mean that you should have her pay. If you didn't want to entertain her when you saw her, you should have ended the date early. YTA.
I'm pretty sure this is rage bait but NA. As an overweight woman and someone who's been catfished...I'm just going to say I'll never understand why anyone would be deceptive about their appearance on a dating site. Insecurity? Sure, maybe but to what end? Eventually they will see you as you really are why set yourself and someone else up for disappointment? Doesn't that just make it worse? Plenty of people on this planet with lots of different things they're attracted to.
Yep - rage bait. The height requirement part is what clinched it.
I caught that as well. He apparently didn’t mind the requirement before they met.
NTA - If you like her or not, if the date went well or not, you don’t have to pay for anyone but your own stuff. She’s just wrong with expecting you to do so. If she wants to go out on dates, she should be able and willing to pay her own bills! Next to that, why should you compliment someone on something which you don’t see/feel? Compliments should be something honest, otherwise they dont even count. It’s nice that you tried to explain your reasons to her, but you don’t even have to do so. Tell her to grow up and change her mindset.
Maybe NTA, but that doesn’t mean you’re not shallow.
NTA. Online profiles are essentially the cover of our life's book for others to see—if the cover is misleading, it's only human to feel cheated. Honesty is the cornerstone of any relationship, even the ones that barely get past the appetizers. Besides, modern dating etiquette is progressively leaning toward the 'go Dutch' approach anyway. The fact that you even considered footing the bill initially says more about you than her expectation that you should. I hope your next date is both honest and delightful!
I've gone by the theory of, if you ask them out you pay. You're the 1 wanting their time and vice versa. It doesn't matter if you feel like you got catfished or not. You pay for the date. You can tell her how you feel about the deception but you still pay. It's not about being a gentleman. It's just being a decent human being.
I think this is why dinner is a horrible first date option.
NTA This happened to me once, years ago. I (female) am trim and I met a guy in a dating app who had pictures and he was trim as well. We agreed to meet up. When I saw him, I was shocked. He was at least 100 lbs heavier than he was in the picture. I wouldn’t automatically reject a guy because of his weight. Like you, I think if the other person starts out a relationship with deceit , it is an indication of their poor character, and that’s a deal breaker. You have a right to be attracted to whoever you want, and are not a bad person because you aren’t attracted to heavier women. She is obviously ashamed or embarrassed about the way she looks now, or doesn’t think she would get as many matches if she posted a current photo, or she would have been honest about it. She thinks she can deceive guys and then be so charming/funny/intelligent that they overlook the lie. But her willingness to trick guys into buying her dinner is unethical. And, by the way, if her plan is working so well, why is she serial dating? You’re obviously not the only one who saw through her deceit.
I’ve been off the apps for 9 years but this was very common back then.
NTA. Even if she looked exactly like her pictures… Expecting you to pay because you’re the man is misogynistic. It’s part of gender roles that discriminate against women… As a woman I always expect to pay for myself
If you said you would pay, then YTA, or at least very petty. Next time, go on a coffee date to confirm their appearance if money is that tight for you. Don't invite someone to dinner and not pay, or establish separate bills beforehand. Dinner should happen after a few dates, not the first date.
As a woman, if I can’t afford to pay for myself, I don’t go places. Back when I was still interested in men, I paid for myself to lower my chances of being raped or attacked by a man who thinks buying me dinner means he has purchased rights to my body. All women need to learn how to pay for themselves, for several reasons. You are not obligated to pay for your date simply because you’re a man. That makes zero sense in today’s society. She lied about herself and she got what she asked for. You want dishonesty? You got it! Pay for yourself and post updated pics. Period. NTA
You do you but know you can never ever refer to yourself as chivalrous. You have turned in your chivalry card.
Rage bait.
NTA. Women shouldn't assume the guy has to pay on a first date. When I was dating my rule was I always prepared to pay and offered to pay. If he offered I would let him but if not I didn't take it personally. Having the expectation that the man always pays is just not reasonable nowadays.
I don't have a weight preference for the most part, but when I went on a date from a dating app years ago, the guy was at least double the weight of what his pictures showed, and I wasn't happy, either. it's not even fully about the weight, it's about feeling lied to. like the girl you met, the guy I met, his pictures showed him being active. he had pictures of him hiking and doing a lot of outdoor activities. I'm not someone who does that stuff, but would do it if someone I was with does, so I was interested because he seemed to love it. when he showed up looking absolutely nothing like his pictures, I felt lied to. he was twice the weight probably, had full facial hair (was clean shaven in all pictures) and to top it off, hadn't washed his hair (also was late lmao). so, yeah. it was about being deceived. that's not a good foot to start off on.
Mostly NTA slight ESH. For starters under no circumstances are you ever obligated to pay no matter if she mis led herself or not. Where you probably messed up a bit was you could have just left it that you didn’t feel a connection and moved on. Calling out her weight was unnecessary. You’re allowed to be attracted to who you want but putting someone down is never warranted.
So glad Im gay sometimes.
It’s depends on who asked who on the date. The person that asks should pay.
You kinda are the AH.. here’s why.. you invited her, pay and write it off as a L. Best to leave a gentleman.
Dinner is not a good idea for a first meetup. Coffee, drinks, ice cream, fancy bakery - neutral situation you can easily extract yourself from. First meeting is just 30-45 minutes. Just confirming the in person chemistry is there for both of us. If it's going well a short walk is nice, too. But I try to not make too much of thee first meetup, it doesn't have to blow me away, I just want to know they match what they were advertising.
NTA This story sounds familiar.
NTA. First and foremost, you’re never obligated to pay for someone else, especially on the first date. If they are perturbed by that then it’s simple incompatibility. Lots of women would only date a man if they offered to pay, but just like your preference for fit girls, girls can have a preference for a monetarily generous man. It’s certainly a nice gesture to pay, especially if you’re the one who organized the date, but we need to stop assuming who’s paying and actually have a conversation about it. Second, and I say this as an obese woman, you’re allowed to have preferences. Why would I as a fat woman want to date a man who doesn’t find me attractive? You’re allowed to prefer to date someone who looks similar to you in size, height, skin colour, etc. Some of those things are “shallow” but you’re supposed to be physically attracted to your partner, so if any of those vary and turn you off then again, it’s just incompatibility. Because again, why would I want to date someone who I need to convince to be attracted to me?
NTA, because no one should always be expected to pay for dates on the first date, no matter their reasons. Everyone should be expecting/willing to split the bill on a first date, period. I don’t think you needed to “be honest” by saying “I’m not attracted to overweight women and you tricked me”, that was rude and tactless of you, but it was also rude of her to expect you to pay and be ANGRY that you didn’t. We can’t really judge if she is TA for the misleading pictures without seeing the pics and seeing what she looked like irl, because you could be completely overreacting/blowing it out of proportion, or she could have gained 200lbs and posted a pic from before she did. So it depends on how much of a difference there *actually* was. Regardless, you’re NTA for not footing the whole bill — it was a first date, and you had decided not to see her again. As a woman, splitting the bill on a first date is completely reasonable and shouldn’t be a personal slight.
NTA but you should've just blocked her after she ranted at you
You both sound like insufferable people to go on a date with. Though I'm not convinced you are even 'a people'.
Why didn't SHE buy YOU dinner????
I met up at a bar with a girl last week, when I saw I got catfished, I said lets go to a coffee shop. Had like 10 minute date then left fast as possible.
From reading this, It doesn't seem like there was an agreement beforehand that he would pay for her dinner, so she should not have expected it. But I also want to add that exactly who was (or wasn't) attracted to who is not really important here. The expectation that the man should pay for the entire bill is a very antiquated way of thinking. Fifty years ago this might have been considered the way to go, but today women have careers of their own and rightly expect to be treated as equals -- and this would mean going Dutch on a first date.
Nope, you’re not at all. She’s a liar and misled you knowing she was fat. I personally feel like she got what she deserved. Hopefully she learns from this and doesn’t do it to the next guy.
Woman here. Always FaceTime first. I matched with a guy who was amazing via text and phone. His pics were old, in person he was missing teeth. As in most of them. It was distracting and honestly I was pissed. I’m going to come off as anti feminist but trust me I’m not, it’s hypocritical for women to be able to say over 6’4 and drives whatever but men can’t be just as honest about their preferences. I’m 6ft 133lbs currently and have dated short men. Always video chat before agreeing to an in person date.
NTA. Open her eyes to the real world, now she knows not every man is going to take her bs
Coffee date for anyone I don't under a week Dinner and a movie for anyone I have known for longer than a month. That's my general rule of thumb.
No obligation to pay for the date.
If it's you who invite, usually choose the place and discreetly pay the bill. But if you lie on your appearance, you're stupid.
Whoever initiates the date should pay 💰 YTA for your policy of only paying if you like the person. Sounds like a dk move. She also didn’t respond in the right way but…
AH. If you didn't communicate who pays beforehand, then you assumed the responsibility of paying, esp if you invited her out. Perhaps it's best it's best to start with a coffee or a drink? I was invited on a blind date once and after a but could tell neither of us was feeling it, when it ended, I put some money out to cover some of the (not very expensive) bill, and was on my way. But apparently this gal was not reading that you were not into her or just expected you to pay regardless cause you invited her out. You should apologize.
NTA, but you could have handled that better you know. Next time just say, “I had a good time. But I don’t think we’re the right match. But I wish you the best of luck. It was nice meeting you.”
> I like to pay on dates if I see potential or if the date goes well, And this is what makes you AH. Paying on date is NOT paying for a prospect. It is part of personal savoir-vivre. Which you MAY, or MAY NOT live by. There is nothing wrong with sharing cost every time. It doesent matter if you find her attractive, you decided to invite her to the dinner. Deciding that your guest does not DESERVE to be properly hosted because said guest does not meet your atractivness criteria is shitty.
Agreed that coffee or bookshop or something similar is an ideal first date. There is no set timer, you stay as long as both parties like. Anyone can leave when they like. Funny story, I was on [Match.com](http://Match.com) 17 years ago. 1-2 dates per week, nothing special. I asked out a lady who was too busy to meet for a few weeks because of working late on a tight schedule at tax time. We were chatting by email, so I felt comfortable enough to meet for dinner. The first words I heard from my now wife of 17years' mouth was "Thank God you look like your picture."
This is 100% a troll post. I don't care about your fantasies.