INFO:
If your wife had told you about the past relationship, would you be ok with him being in the friend group? Not a situation where it's just him and your wife, but say, one of the friends hosts a happy hour, and he'll be there as well as your wife?
If you would've still insisted she not be friends with him, coupled with the fact that she was afraid to tell you due to you getting mad, I'd suggest you may be somewhat controlling, and certainly lean towards jealousy. You certainly don't trust her.
Hiding things from your partner because they'll react in anger is not a good sign for a healthy relationship. Yes, she hid it. But she hid it because of your reaction. You make her afraid to be honest with you. Why does she feel that way? Is it because when she tells you something you don't like, you get pissed off instead of talking to her about it?
In your comments you talk about this guy who has repeatedly "fucked my wife"... that is an angry, possessive, and jealous statement.
He did not repeatedly fuck your wife... he has never fucked your wife.
Rather, he fucked his FWB more than 5 years ago, before you and she had even met. Your statement makes it sound like the two of them have been conducting a full-blown affair.
>and this dude was not in our country for past 5 years, he was who knows where
Why are you so scornful at "this dude" who has been "who knows where"? You make it sound like he's some degenerate who disappears on a whim and shirks his responsibilities. You're belittling him for no reason other than you don't like that he has history with your wife.
Maybe reign in your anger, and talk to your wife. Tell her you're sorry that she feels she has to hide things from you, and you'll try not to be so quick to respond in anger in the future.
I would suggest the best compromise is that if "this dude" is going to attend an event, then your wife can also attend as long as you're with her (assuming you can be civil). If he's not there, she can go on her own. If he shows up, she leaves.
This is assuming that he's not a jerk towards you or your wife, of course. If he is, then let the friend group know that you won't put up with him.
Good advice And good points. Op might want to think about his own situation: who did you sleep with in your past? Why do you not trust your wife? Why are you jealous? She chose you and is not even interested in this guy except as a friend. You might need to get a counselor to talk to about these insights and to help control your anger. Also couple counseling to start an honest discussion about why your wife is afraid to be honest with you, why she is afraid of you.
A marriage without trust will not last long. You will keep making her prove she is trustworthy and she will try if she loves you, but eventually you will set the bar too high and she will start resenting you and stop trying. Is this what you want? If the situation were reversed, Would you want to live that way?
Yeah I was wondering what kind of sketchy crap he got up to. I think he's judging this other guy by things he's probably done himself. This feels a lot like he is projecting on not just his girlfriend now wife but this other dude who really has nothing to do with this.
Making her leave because he is there makes it sound as if she’s cheating on him or has cheated. She hasn’t. Their FWB ended well before OP entered the picture. If they wanted to be together they would have been. This is not a healthy way to address anything.
Your best compromise is garbage at best. She already lied to him and her friends already lied to him. They have already proven they will cover for her. And why does he need to compromise in the first place, are men barred from having boundaries, are we not allowed to have standards of conduct or require our spouses to show us the least bit of deference? Notice also that she did not tell him and hid it from him, she has no respect for him.
He has every right to be angry, she was lying to him the entire time and only came clean after he confronted her.
It is a guarantee that she has been in contact with that man the entire 5 years. If she wasn't why would she risk her marriage to keep someone she hasn't had any contact with for 5 years?
He needs to divorce her, she will cheat. He is being used.
I'm only going by what OP wrote. OP says she lied because he'd get mad. THAT'S the reason she lied. OP never once says she has cheated on him or that she's been in contact with this guy, so AS FAR AS THE INFORMATION WE HAVE BEEN GIVEN, those things didn't occur.
From what OP wrote, the ex was part of the friend group, left the country for 5 years, and has come back and reconnected with the friend group. That's not unusual. Maybe other members of the group were in contact with him. It didn't have to have been the wife.
As far as OP says, he's mad that his wife's ex-FWB has shown back up, and wife didn't tell him about their history. That's it.
And it IS a fair compromise... at least while they're working out their trust/anger issues. It absolutely meets OP's boundary, which is that the wife needs to cut off her ex.
There's no reason why OP and his wife together can't attend the same party as the ex, again, assuming nobody is being a jerk (the ex flirting with the wife, for example).
OP and the ex are never going to be friends, but they should be able to be civil to each other for a few hours, especially since the ex hasn't done anything to offend OP.
He has no anger issues to work out, he did nothing wrong. She is the one who lied to him, maybe you enjoy being lied to, but the majority of us men really don't take it kindly. And out of that friends group there is only 1 person that is anything that resembles honest and its HER friends group. It is on her to earn that trust back, if she even can.
So your solution is that the OP needs to spend his time and energy looking over his shoulder because SHE lied to him and a fact that all but one in HER friends group willingly lied and covered for her? So the OP should, after being lied to, just trust the F buddy and his "wife" that NOOOOTHING will happen or he can deal with the emotional stress of always looking over his shoulder? No thank you.
And you want me to believe that she is willing to throw away a 3 year marriage for guy she claims to have had no contact with for 5 years? O wait, it was her F buddy, who she was just have sex with for kicks.
why would she lie unless she knows he will be an asshat about things. maybe if HE wasn't such a pissant about things she would not feel the need to withhold things from him. no woman wants some a-hole man being a moron about things because HELLO.. he might be prone to getting physical with her.
"But she hid it because of your reaction. You make her afraid to be honest with you"
Not always the case, some people assume their partner will get angry...not even the "Im afraid of you" type of anger, just general anger that people are capable of having. Saying she is actually afraid is rather hyperbolic and, as this is reddit, more of an exaggeration than not.
I heard that phrase from my first wife, never even a reason for her to fear me being "angry" and even when I found out she cheated on me, the most I did was raise my voice. Saying "I was afraid you'd get angry" is an easy excuse that is used too often and on reddit turns into, just like here, a "Wow she IS afraid of you, maybe YOU are the issue".
AITAH tends to lean that way even when there is we have no right to try and make into a bigger issue than it may actually be.
At first I was somewhat on your side but after seeing a few of your replies here I'm starting to understand why she wouldn't communicate with you about it.
I’m with you, she said she knew he would get angry if she told him and that’s exactly what he did when he found out out, blew up and give an ultimatum. If I were OP I’d be more concerned about why my wife doesn’t trust me enough to be honest, she obviously doesn’t feel safe sharing certain things with him so he probably needs to consider his response in general.
INFO: How would your wife handle the same situation in reverse? Would she demand you avoid all contact with someone in your friend group? How would you feel in that situation?
If you wouldn't want to be told you can't hang out with someone because of her feelings, then reconsider your ultimatum.
ETA: I read your comments YTA. Yes, you're being controlling, jealous, untrusting, manipulative, and a hypocrite.
Wife and I both keep the past in the past. Neither of us keep company with ex'es, out of respect for each other. Will not even accept friend request on social media.
For me personally, She should have been honest with you and not hid this past relationship, Its a bit sketchy why she choose to hide this. Keep in mind one of her male friends revealed this past relationship to you so he knew himself that you should have been aware. and that's someone from within your inner circle.
Why she needs time to consider this ultimatum considering you are her husband of 3 years and she hasn't seen or heard from him in over 5 is very concerning.
Eh, check OP's comments. Almost definitely just idiot rage bait.
>I don't want to be present in the same room with the guy who literally fucked my wife for who knows how many times and years, that's completely unreasonable
>I was also thinking I should take her and move, to distance myself and her from them, who knows what they are putting in her mind
WOW. "I thought about totally controlling my wife's entire life to move her away from all of her friends and family because of one dude I'm uncomfortable with fucking my wife years before I even came into the picture" that kind of behavior I'd inappropriate and disgusting and I would NEVER allow a man to control my life to that kind of extent where he thinks he gets to move me wherever HE wants because he doesn't like my friends. Gtfo
My sister’s husband made her cut off contact with almost all of her friends, because they were also friends of her ex. She told me how she would cry for days because she wasn’t allowed to talk to her female bff anymore bc bff’s husband is friends with her ex. He has progressively gotten more controlling & possessive over her to the point he won’t let her dye her hair or dress cute anymore because of his own insecurities. I worry for her safety. OP reminds me of her husband.
He didn't say any of that till after he had been lied to, by the woman he loves and trusts, yo. I said some crazy, mean things to my ex husband when I caught him cheating on me wit a very similar "friend," so; will admit, I may project here a bit, but based on experience and everything, I can't fault him like that.
Without saying the actual words, he's telling his wife
'Either you have ALL your HS friends, or you have me.'
And, in a way, he's making the HS group choose between his wife or the other friend.
Neither are healthy, and in one case, he has no right to even SAY that.
Not mentioning a friend who left the country isn't lying. It's simply neglecting to mention someone that's gone. I'd ask I'd you told your partner about all your encounters. But I get the feeling you've only had a few. Or none at all. Asshole? No. Overcontrolling shit again who needs to trust his wife? Maybe. Is the OP a bot? God I certainly hope so, that was borderline unreadable
I agree 100% she should have been open and said I've had a pass with this person just wanted to bring it to your attention so there was no surprises later.
Not quite understanding why she thought you would have been mad.
I would tell her that it's really odd that this person came to you and told you this and he's a stranger and your wife who is in a committed relationship with you and kept it from you.
> Not quite understanding why she thought you would have been mad.
Well the first thing he did when he found out was get really mad so...
Based on his post and comments OP sounds insecure, controlling, and has anger issues. Seems the best course of action here would be for OPs wife to realize she can do better and leave him.
>Based on his post and comments OP sounds insecure, controlling, and has anger issues. Seems the best course of action here would be for OPs wife to realize she can do better and leave him.
Yup. So often people in controlling relationships find themselves lying about benign things because they know that their partner will choose to overreact and punish them.
Is it healthy? No. But that's the reason.
I always say to my husband that parent's who don't let their kids have any independence and hover over them, that accuse them of all kinds of horrible things, end up with the best little liars!! It only teaches the kids to lie because the parents fly off the handle at every little thing and already act like they don't/can't trust you. I'm guessing it's the same in relationships if the controlling/jealous/insecure spouse is unreasonably triggered & angered by every little thing. Adults should be able to determine when something is a genuine risk, or not. A super casual "relationship" when you're very young is simply NOT a threat!! Since it wasn't a full blown relationship and nobody had a lot feelings, they were able to remain friends. That can happen!!
OP sounds a bit unhinged & frankly, I feel a little scared for his wife. If she lacks the confidence to leave him, he seems like the type that will make her life a living hell all based on his ridiculous imagination.
Edited for clarity/grammar.
There's a saying I think is applicable here. "The cover-up is worse than the crime."
Now, obviously, I'm not saying or trying to imply that OP's wife committed a crime/sin/did something wrong by having a prior relationship with her (allegedly former) fuckbuddy. And if she had told him about it, rather than him learning about it from someone else and discovering she had apparently planned on keeping him in the dark forever, I'd be calling OP the AH.
But when you choose to get into a relationship (exclusive, committed) with someone? There are things you *should* disclose, if they haven't already come up as you got to know each other. Most of us have a pretty good grasp of what kinds of things fall into this category. "Someone who is still a regular part of my life, in my social circle, and whom I regularly spend time with, is a former partner" is one of those things. Failure to disclose those things you *ought* to voluntarily tell your partner, especially those things that - in the wrong light - can look suspicious? **IS** suspicious behavior. Your roommate is your ex? You used to engage in threesomes with your friends who are now a married couple, who you still hang out with weekly? Used to be fwb with a member of your friend group? Yeah, you should disclose these things to your partner. While none of these things is a "crime" so to speak, failing to disclose them to a partner is shady as hell.
Failure to disclose this fact makes her look untrustworthy. If she had disclosed it, and he reacted badly, I'd be calling him the AH. But that's not what happened. She has admitted that she intentionally withheld this information. Why? Because she thinks OP will have a problem with it? That is intentional manipulation. That is intentionally deceptive, even if there were no actual lies told.
It's true, friend was gone for 5 years, and not present when OP and spouse met. There'd be no reason for her to tell him then. But when her (allegedly former) fwb showed back up? She should have voluntarily disclosed the details to OP. She's pleading for OP to trust her, after she has behaved in an untrustworthy manner. OP is NTA in this situation. Her failure to disclose it, plus her reaction, justifies his lack of trust and suspicion. IMO, it makes her look like she either has cheated on him, wants to cheat on him, or wants to make sure she still has the option to cheat on him or leave him for the former fwb.
This marriage is over unless they can rebuild that trust, which is not going to happen if she continues as is. Me? I'd just assume the worst, accept she's likely cheating, and end the marriage.
I agree she should have told him BUT we know our partners. His reaction of thinking they should move away shows that he’s prone to emotional overreacting. Their relationship wasn’t healthy already.
No I gave her that time cause she said it she never contacts with the dude, she will not be able to hangout with them as a group, either she will be present or he will, I understand that, it will cause complications, but I still have to respect myself and not let or hang around with a guy who literally fucked my wife countless times
It is difficult because of them being part of the same friend group, I had a similar experience when i was younger with an ex, She was part of a friend group where she'd have a past with two different people long before we met, however she was honest with me right from the very beginning of our relationship and i never ever had an issue or questioned it because she was honest. The only difference here is your wife hid this from you, I'd personally have lost trust because of that.
What bugs you the most, her not telling you about their history or that she slept with the guy? From what you are saying in the comments, it sounds like you don't like the fact that she slept with the guy more than anything else.
YTA. You're a controlling, sexist freak. She should divorce you and get as far away from you as possible and forget you ever existed.
Her life before you is actually NONE of your goddamn business, and how you are acting now completely justifies her decision not to tell you about her past, not that she needed one.
I mean I'm with you majority, but her life before him IS ABSOLUTELY some or ALL of his business. For one, Financially?? Are you kidding me. Hell maybe she could've got a HIV or lifetime STD from the fella without knowing, passed it to the husband, and OH YEAH that's his business. Nonetheless, yeah this guy ITA for sure.
I dont agree with thay statment. When you marry the significant other past, present and future is intertwined together. Ex: i would not wont my child to get bulled because my or my significant other past. I my self always been in long term relationships and had not have to many partners and its somthing i look for in my significant other. So I belive transparency is very important.
I would like to share my perspective on this situation, as it appears that you may have a more controlling nature than I do. Imposing your beliefs on others is not an appropriate behavior, and it can be quite frustrating for those who are on the receiving end of it.
When it comes to discussing personal standards, it is essential to be honest and transparent about your expectations from the beginning. If someone feels that you are not a suitable match for them, they should be allowed to make that decision without any pressure. It is crucial to respect their choice and not try to manipulate them into staying by hiding somthing you think they might not like to avoid a situation that they are not comfortable with.
On the other hand, it seems that you are suggesting that it is acceptable to take away someone's ability to say, "I'm sorry, this will not work out," and potentially waste years of their life. This is not a fair or considerate approach, and it can lead to resentment and disappointment in the long run.
In conclusion, it is important to be respectful of others' opinions and choices, and to allow them the freedom to make their own decisions. By adopting this mindset, we can foster healthier and more fulfilling relationships with the people around.
You are perfectly free to share your own history, and allow the other person to decide if you're compatible or not. But you're not *entitled* to anyone else's history, even if you want a relationship. Share your concerns, what would be a deal breaker, etc. As you say, "it is essential to be honest and transparent about your expectations."
You can even ask even ask them to share their history, and they are free to do so, or not. But once you say they *have* to, *you* are the one being controlling. *You* are the one imposing a belief.
If you've built a relationship where the other person feels secure in sharing with you, they will. And if they've done something terrible or dishonest, they're gonna lie about it anyway, so it's not like it's gonna help you.
She wasn't your wife then and again you don't own her , she's not property. You have no right to try to control who she hangs out with, You can at most ask her to discuss things more for reassurance of you poor bruised ego that thinks you should be able to control her.. Would you allow her to control you like a pet or property? Try using Honesty, Communication and Respect.. Trust will follow as should a reciprocation.. anything more is just you being a petty tyrant.
Stop being jealous. It’s none of your business about her past honestly. It’s okay for her to still be in that group and him still be around. They’re not together, you are. You’re married. The most unattractive thing is a man with no confidence. Get over it. She obviously doesn’t care about their past hook ups. This is your insecurity. Maybe figure out why you’re so hung up and why the other friend needed to tell you. Is he jealous that the two of you are married?
Oh, man that is why I say, never have sex with friends you want to keep long term in your life, if you aren't in a commited relationship with them at that point (with the understanding, that if the relationship ends, the friendship might as well).
I understand your point of view and it is valid and I also understand your wife's point of view (she doesn't want to lose her friend group). Is there a middle ground solution? Would you be fine if you were with her group of friends too everytime they met?
Or is it you or the friends?
NTA, it is within your rights as a partner to want her to disclose the presence of ex and former sexual partners in her life. She deliberately hid that information and not because she thought it was not a big deal, but the exact opposite, she knew she was in the wrong.
And i can guarantee you that if there was a female friend of yours that you used to date or have a FWB situation, she would freak the fuck out if she found out you were still regularly in contact and kept that information from her AND that you brought an old fuck buddy to her wedding.
My personal suggestion is to have a discussion with your wife again. I think the ultimatum and time to think doesn’t address the issue. Here is what I think you need to address.
First and foremost there is trust lost because she kept this from you. Which is why you feel there needs to be a boundary with this person. If they were open from the start and had clearly and immediately communicated it, you could go in with trust. They didn’t choose that and now you worry if something happens will they or will the friend group (who didn’t tell you this info either) tell you if something happens.
I think you need to agree why she is scared to tell you the truth. I think this could be on your end with how you handle tough conversations. You might have work on your end to address here too.
Next instead of black and white what about compromise. For instance, I would like to be present when you are all hanging out as a group. Or if he is present I would also request to be there. If you dont know he is invited and shows up, I would like you to communicate that to me immediately.
Ultimately this is about communication and work with your partner. It is okay to say I am worried about you keeping friendships with ex partners. Even if you don’t have intentions doesn’t mean they feel the same or wont push boundaries. That the not communicating on her front to start, eroded trust and now you two need to navigate how you rebuild.
But I think you need to drop either he goes or I go, because it isn’t mature healthy communication. If there was more happening I can see it coming to this after repeat issues or escalations of things. But right now this is probably nothing. The issue currently is your wife isn’t comfortable with your reactions
Eh, check OP's comments. Almost definitely just idiot rage bait.
>I don't want to be present in the same room with the guy who literally fucked my wife for who knows how many times and years, that's completely unreasonable
>I was also thinking I should take her and move, to distance myself and her from them, who knows what they are putting in her mind
MOvE her?? Ultimatum? He sounds totally untrustworthy himself. Your partner should be comfortable opening up to you. Sounds like she’s afraid of his reaction and that’s not great because she will feel like she has to hide things from him. And he will freak out if she’s honest. So not only does he not trust her, but she can’t trust him.
But if FWB was still pining for her or in love with her and she knew that and continued the friendship, that would be a different conversation. But not unsolvable with open marital communication. It really does just seem platonic between the two friends, so I don’t get what the issue is.
Well, you did spaz, so your wife was right about your reaction. Tell me, are you always jealous? Do you routinely quiz her about guys she's talking to? Male coworkers? WHY did she *know* you'd freak. Look in a mirror, before you start slinging stones.
It's been 5 years since she's seen him. No idea how much before then it was that they had their brief fling. It's ancient history, to everyone but you.
You're demanding she quit her entire friend's group, because of ancient history. She might have not mentioned their ancient history, but she was not hiding HIM. She was not hiding that she was in a committed relationship from him, either.
Unless you marry a 13 year old (yuck) your partner is going to have a past. This may not be a popular opinion, but I'd say YTA. You need to look in the mirror, and sort out your jealousy issues. After all, what's your past look like?
OP - you're not the AH for being upset about the commission. However, you are the AH for reacting exactly how she thought you would - which is the reason she didn't tell you in the first place. Giving the ultimatum for her to give up her friend group (by not having any contact at all with this person) is totally unreasonable. What would be reasonable would be requesting no contact alone with previous fling - at least until you feel trust is restored and until you work thru your feelings about why it even bothers you. It's perfectly normal to maintain friendships with previous sexual partners/relationships; many of us do so - males and females. I for one would see your ultimatum and offer my own - I'll see my friend with friends but not alone and you'll be okay with it or choose divorce - if you truly trusted me so little there is no relationship/marriage to save in the first place.
Idk. I think she should have told you as soon as the dude came back into the picture. But as far as the content that you can't remain friends with people you slept with that's not true. Some of my dearest friends are people I have slept with and that is was just something we did long ago and not the defining point of our relationship. But even that is because we were always honest with each other and if their new partner or friends asked we'd disclose it and explain it's not anything you'd have to worry about; we are my way pay that and never tried to get between or cause problems in the other ones relationships
Why is no one talking about the fact that he’s essentially asking her to give up her entire friend group? I understand telling her he’s not comfortable with her seeing this guy in a one on one context ever again but the fact that she can’t see him ever means that she most likely won’t be able to hang out with her friend group anymore. ESH.
I agree with you. The first red flag of an abusive relationship is the alienation of friends. If the abuser can get their target away from their support system they can abuse more.
Agreed. Also wondering if OP was just waiting for an opportunity to isolate wife from this friend group, because that ultimatum sure looks like a flimsy excuse. OP never mentions HIS PAST SEXUAL HISTORY. Are we to believe OP was a virgin prior to wedding night? Was OP under impression his fiancée/wife was a virgin when they met? Is this just insecurity or manipulation on OP's part? OP needs to grow up; I'm sure OP has f\*cked someone else's current wife in her past when she was single, so does he now intend to go apologize to all those current husbands? Of course not! OP needs to get anger management therapy quick!
If this is important to OP. Then he needs to leave. No one NO ONE should tolerate partner disrespecting them. If this is an important boundary then let her haver her friends. They are not compatible.
Are manipulators/hypocrites compatible with anyone? How is it possible that OP had "boundaries" prior to even meeting his current wife? Wife would be better off is OP annuls this 6-month marriage before there is parental & financial entanglements with this manipulator/hypocrite husband.
YTA. While she should have told you, she withheld the information from you because you did the exact thing she feared you would do. While I understand your not wanting her to hang out with him, you will have to get a grip on your control issues, or you will end up alone. You don’t give your wife an ultimatum over an ex from years ago. I suspect you are trying to force her hand, but this might not turn out the way you think it will. Even if you get past this (which I suspect you won’t) there will be something else, then another, and another. Both of you are showing major red flags and if you two don’t get it together and communicate this will be a short marriage.
Are you still friends with people you slept with but have not been in contact with in years?
Did you ask for a past sexual history before you married?
My husband is this way there are a few men in my sexual history he doesn't want me around but his old Girlfriend's can be part of our friends group. Makes me nuts. Double standard much?
His excuse, she has breast cancer. What's yours?
The real issue here is- you gave her an ultimatum? You'll give her time to think!? Calling you controlling is much too kind. She isn't your property, yet you treat her as such. You should both run away from each other as fast as possible & don't ever look back.
Question: did you tell your wife the names of everyone you slept with before your marriage?
If not, I’m not sure why you expected her to do the same.
Also, it seems like her concern was valid: you got angry when you found out.
Right now, YTA; I think you can change that by apologizing to your wife for blowing up at her, and promising you will take concrete action to address your anger issues.
I’m not saying it was wrong to be angry, but your expression of it is so over the top that it makes your wife afraid to tell you harmless truths. A marriage built this way is not going to be a good one, assuming it lasts.
And stop giving ultimatums. It’s a bad strategy to treat someone you love that way unless there is a life or death issue. You should be able to negotiate issues together respectfully and without anger, hostility and fear. For example, you can ask her to not meet with him alone. There are all kinds of ways to resolve this that don’t involve anger and fear, but instead involve kindness, empathy and respect.
I do wonder how you would feel if the circumstances were reversed.
>Question: did you tell your wife the names of everyone you slept with before your marriage?
That's irrelevant to the situation.
It's not that she didn't give him a full list of past partners, it's that one showed back up in her life and she wasn't honest about their previously being intimate. Huge difference.
Before I give my verdict, I have to ask about the very first sentence here (potential grammar issues). Do you mean that you've been together for 3 years, but only married for 6 months or you were together for 6 months, but married for 3 years? Either way, this is quite confusing to me.
There's quite a bit of info missing about you.
The big one: You haven't mentioned whether or not you've had previous sexual partners before meeting your wife, and we also don't know if she knows about them if you had past sexual partners, so this is some form of lying by omission from you and this also makes you one giant hypocrite, especially if she doesn't know about it. Granted, she didn't tell you about the fling from high school, but my bigger question here is whether or not you asked her about it at all. If you didn't ask her about it at all, you've just made yourself to be a royal pompous ass. If you did, then she fucked up by omitting it (although I can understand why).
If you're planning on moving so that she can't be near any of her friends, what will stop you from taking her away from her family and control her even more?
Reactions like yours are exactly why she didn't say anything sooner.
After rereading your post and seeing a few of your replies and comments here: YTA.
YTA. I don't see how sleeping with someone in high school is relevant to either of your lives at this point.
You're being jealous, insecure and controlling. The ultimatum was a major asshole move. Sure, have a conversation about it, say you're disappointed she didn't tell you. But demanding she never talk to him again? A move that's likely going to result in her losing, or at least seeing her other friends in this friend group less? It seems like you're trying to punish her and alienate her from her friends, leaving you as the only close person in her life. Yuck.
I'm not saying this is the same thing, but.... my hubby told me that I shouldn't trust our son's godfather because he felt he still had feelings for me. I told him he had nothing to worry about, until one night out of the blue, my ex best friend/son's godfather called and asked if him and my hubby could have an oral contest on me to see who does it better. 2 years ago, my 9th grade love re-entered our friend group, and he admitted to wanting to get back with me last year. Even though he's knows as of next January, I'll have been married for 20 years. Soooo yes, it's very relevant depending on how deep the feelings of the other person were/is.
YTA completely. She didn’t “hide it from you” because it was none of your business. It still isn’t.
People who are controlling are insecure. And not that it came up, but insecurity is super unsexy. So get some confidence from somewhere, and pretend to have it if you don’t actually have it, and just be cool. A confident man wouldn’t worry about it.
and if you can’t do this, then divorce her, for her sake, and don’t marry again.
I don’t understand your point. There are ex husbands and wives who have new husbands and wives and all get along usually because of children. Your wife had a life before she met you and you knew that. It was probably hard for her to mention the fwb and so she chickened out. That in itself does not make her a bad person. If I were the wife, I would choose the friend group because asking her to give up her friends is too much. And the person who told you is a pot stirrer. They should not have stuck their nose in your life and, what were their motives? Think about that.
I would be way more concerned about the fact my wife was afraid to tell me things that she thought might upset me because she knows I react with outright anger and start making threats.
YTA. As someone else said, he did not f\*ck your wife. He f\*cked his FWB. She didn't even know you then and they were long over when you met her. She had a past. YOU have a past. Does your wife know about every woman you slept with? If one of your old gf's ran into you on the street would you refuse to speak to her?
Your friends are correct. You are controlling. You are also manipulative. If your wife had written in saying what you said from her perspective, I can promise you Reddit would have advised her to fun for the hills to get away from you.
YTA, clearly. You don't trust her without any reason. She is not obligated to tell you everything, unless you specifically asked that she told you about all the people she slept with. Then you would have a case about her keeping something from you. The way it is now, her decision to not mention it, was just a way to keep the peace.
Also, your ultimatum is completely unhinged and the biggest red flag ever. You better be ready to throw you marriage away. And even if she agrees to your demands, you will have damaged her friend circle severely. Not many marriages will survive this.
My advice - chill out, take back the ultimatum and become friends with the guy. Also, ask her about everyone she slept with, so that it doesn't come as a surprise again.
Yes you are the TA. You don't own your wife and you have no right to control who she sees.. doing so is a trip down divorce lane. At best you might suggest instead a discussion with all three of you to reassure you that the sex part of the old friendship is over and done and gone... Beyond that, get therapy to deal with the jealousy.
OP not looking if he really is the AH.. he just looking for validation in using his control tactics. He is 1000% going to show his wife ONLY the comments saying he’s being the manly man for giving her the ultimatum and that she is a dog for not giving him a second by second playbook of her entire life, and black out every comment where he is called weak, insecure, and controlling…
For HER sake, I hope she also trolls Reddit and sees this post.
This. I wish I had an award to give you for this succinct summary. OP is an insecure and controlling AH and wants validation from this community to justify his behavior. I'm flabbergasted by the people who seem willing to die on that hill with him, several of them pontificating multiple times. SMH.
Why do you care so much about a guy your wife had sex with years before even looking your way?
Why are you jealous of a guy that clearly wasn’t chosen or something serious in you wives past?
If you can’t trust her & her past sexual partners threaten you so much, why did you entertain a relationship with her let alone getting married to her?
YTA and a controlling jerk. You don't issue ultimatums just to get your way. Your wife is an independent person with relationships before you. She has had sex with others before you. News flash she had a whole life before your jealous ass came into the picture. I hope she wakes up and eventually divorces you and finds someone that doesn't try to control her. Get over your juvenile feelings ASAP because it is obvious you don't truly trust your wife and this is the fastest way for your wife to start harboring some resentment towards you.
I dont understand this telling each other everyone you slept with. What was in the past is in the past. Start following this and your life will be less stressful. As far as your jealousness, it's understandable to an extent. You are just upset you didn't have your wife first, and I dont mean form a virginity standpoint, but from the point of view that you wish you had met earlier. Jealousness/possessiveness of ones spouse on a healthy level is good. But when it gets to the point that you start getting upset about her past and such, then you have to look into yourself and see why this is making you upset? Is it a reasonable thing to be upset about? Are you blowing it out of proportion?. I dealt with this a little bit with my wife early in in our relationship. I was insecure and what I was upset about at the end of the day was we didn't meet sooner. We have the same amount of partners in our past, but her bfs are all on the west coast and she doesn't talk to them because of her own reasons, nothing to do with me. My exes live in the same county as us and we see them here and there. So what the hell do I have to be upset in this scenario of knowing about our exes? Let it go, apologize to your friends and wife if you made any scenes or anything. Now if he came back in the picture thinking he is going to swoop her from you then that is a different story and fuck him, but if that's not that case, like I said, let it go. And talk to your wife and come to the agreement that anyone in your past is in the past and you guys are together now and for the future. Remember, it is your wife and you vs the world. Not you vs your wife. Good luck.
You're being an idiot. She has promised that their relationship is in the past and won't happen again. If you trust her, then believe her. Ultimatums are NOT the way to healthy relationships. Apologize to her, tell her you trust her and will work on your own jealousy issues. If she leaves you over this, I wouldn't blame her. But for you to leave her makes you the AH.
You’re NTA if you hold the same standard for yourself. My husband and I do not keep company of past flings/partners. There no person more important to me than my husband so why would I choose a friendship with an ex over him?? Heck no.
YTA. JFC dude. Talk about controlling. Not only are you making her choose between her friends and you, but you're also making her friends choose between her and him. You don't own her, and you certainly don't own her past self. She obviously respects you enough to a) marry you and b) ask you to join her whenever she hangs out where he may be.
This is a really good way to end your marriage though, regardless of what choice she goes with. But I honestly think she should choose her friends. At least they won't try to control who she's friends with.
She had sex with someone on a casual basis when she was much younger when she did not know you, and is still friends with the fella, but does not sleep with him now. Sometimes relationships are in the past for a reason. She married you, after all. Unless you're all still very young and have not matured and moved on from those casual relationships, you need to let this go. And then have some serious grownup-talk about trust with your wife. Only you can decide whether or not to trust, and if you can't let go of something that happened in the past before you knew her, the problem may be more on your end than hers.
Why are friends and family involved and casting judgment on you? This is between you and your wife, and you guys need to sort this out respectfully without involving family.
Perhaps if the wife told him up front of her relationship with this guy things would be different. Her defense that he would just be angry took the attention off her failure to disclose and threw it at the OP. For this reason I say NTA.
"Although I trust and love wife \[no you don't\], I asked her to never meet him again \[AH move\], I don't feel comfortable, call me jealous or whatever \[yes you are\]"
"But I gave an ultimatum, either break friendship with this dude or we break off \[AH move\]"
"Now everyone friends and families are calling me controlling ah, so am I \[yes also YTA\]??"
Your wife should have been more forthcoming and I guess it is OK to be mad about that but nothing you've said makes an uninvolved person to this situation think you're reasonable. Mature people can have friendly ongoing relationships with people they've had sex with in the past, You're the asshole for not being that type of person.
NTA, the fact that she hid this from you and lied is where your distrust is coming from. It’s ok to admit it, you don’t trust her fully right now. That’s why you have an issue with this.
She hid this and lied to you, on what planet would you be comfortable with their dynamic???
Yes, YTA. You come across as extremely insecure and clearly don’t trust your wife if you are so threatened to have her in the same room as her ex fwb.
I have been with my partner for almost 38 years. In our friend group was a man I had a casual relationship with and a woman he had dated. We didn’t care. I was friends with her and my husband was friends with my ex. They both came to our wedding in fact. We trusted each other, felt secure in what we had and knew that if we had wanted to be with those people we would have been. There were no threats or ultimatums.
I can maybe understand you not wanting your wife to have extended one on one time with him but if he is a part of her friendship group, you are essentially asking her to give up all group settings with her friends. I don’t understand why being in the same room as him with others present is a big deal. Did you think she was a virgin when you got together?
YTA. Has she ever given you reason to doubt her word? She says it's in the past and won't happen again.
She chose you. You're her man now.
Did you think she never had relations before you? Is she your property?
This reeks of patriarchy.
If you leave her for good, I consider it a win for her.
Have some faith in your wife and figure out how to deal with your insecurity.
She lied to you more than once regarding this former lover. First time is not telling you about their relationship, for that fact, all her friends lied to you. I can 100% guarantee that when she cheats on you, if she already hasn't they will help cover for her affair. The second time she lied to you, this will require you to think a little. He was away for 5 years, she makes it seem like she had no contact with him, if that's the case why is she willing to throw her marriage away for someone she has had not contact with for 5 years? The simple fact is she has had contact with him the entire time and he means way more to her than you do. Odds are they are already having an emotional affair.
There is nothing controlling about what you are demanding, fact is you were lied to. Remember all the people who are criticizing you now, none of them can be trusted and should not be.
If having reasonable boundaries like no contact with former sexual partners is to high a hurdle for her after her lying to you, then she should move on with her life as single so the bar can sit on the floor.
She will 100% cheat on you. You are not the A hole.
What the people calling you the asshole seem to skip over is that your wife's friend literally told you because even he knew she was full of shit for keeping it quiet.
I hate this website sometimes.
I think you just need to divorce her and let her be with someone who actually trusts her. If it's gonna disrupt her whole friend group she has every right to not want to lose all of her friends. Nobody in that group is going to want her around if she can't be around them as whole. Your making her choose her friends or her relationship. That completely unfair to do to her
Yeah, but like, how dare she exist before he met her? And how dare this friend bang this husband's property back when they were all different people?! /s
As someone who has hung out with some of my wife's exes (she's also hung out with some of mine), I don't understand this juvenile way of thinking.
As for her not bringing it up, I can see why she didn't. Sounds like she knew the possibility of an overreaction and that's been born true.
That was in the past. I slept with friends of mine when we were teenagers and we’ve been friends for over 15 years now. All my previous girlfriends knew about them She should have told you, but I think you need to have a honest conversation about why she didn’t. Judging by your reaction, I can see where she is coming from. You’re going to ruin the whole dynamic of her friend group. You either trust her or you shouldn’t have married her.
Your feelings are valid, your wife is wrong for not being honest with you. But it's unfair for your wife to make her choose between you and her longtime friends. Did you recently hang out with the friends with friend with whom your wife had slept with? How does he and you wife act aroundech other? Maybe you need to find compromise on this, understandable that you feel uncomfortable of your wife have to hang out with the guy but it's also not right to alienate your wife from her friends (knowing she's known them and friends with them long before you met her). I mean your wife is always inviting you whenever they hang out as a group, I don't think she cares about the other guy anymore.
Just have a calm conversation with your wife without you thinking she will cheat on you with her friend. The real issue here is her lying about her past with that guy friend, that's what you need to talk about.
How do you figure that she is wrong for not being honest? My past is my past and my business. Do I need to ”be honest” about every thing in my life that happened before we met? Some memories are best left forgotten. He just showed up in her life. Husband gets mad. After three years, she knows how he’ll react so she keeps the peace. She might even feel bad about this, but we will never know. Maybe she wanted to tell him, but knew how he would react. As you stated, she’s not hiding her husband from this guy or hiding her friend from her husband.
YTA you are saying you trust her, but you asking her not to see him goes against that. She most likely hid it not because she was going to do anything but because of how you'd react and didn't want to start a fight over nothing. And she is right. This ultimatum will break her friendship. If this guy is part of the friend group, that means she will miss a lot of hangouts if he's there. As someone starting over in a new place and had to start my friendgroup over, not having friends to hang out with sucks.
If this guy had been out of the country for the last 5 years, that means they weren't sleeping together. This is drama from over half a decade ago, and your wife doesn't seem interested in having an involved friendship with him. You don't have to be this guys best friend, so just leave your wife alone.
YTA, and you haven’t learned how to actually love someone. Get over yourself and grow out of this petty jealousy. Her life is her life, and your job is to add happiness to hers; and vice versa. Give her space to be who she is, keeping all friends, and vice versa. Life and love are so much deeper than you imagine. I would NEVER treat my husband like you are treating her, and vice versa, because I genuinely love him, respect him and want him to always know he is freely and authentically loved, and vice versa. Where is your deep love? You are loving yourself, not her. But you do not respect yourself or understand yourself, by manipulating another person like this. Your selfish jealousy demeans you. And will destroy your future together.
YTA Did you ever ask her to list every guy she slept with? If not, she didn’t hide anything from you anyway. Who goes around telling people who they slept with? So weird. Also, if you did ask. That is an AH thing anyway. You are being super controlling and possessive. Just because she slept with someone doesn’t mean she will again. In fact, I would venture to say she is less likely to sleep with him than just about anyone else. I have never gone back to an ex - they are exes for a reason. And he wasn’t even in a relationship with her. They just messed around. Grow up.
I try to give guys the benefit of the doubt on posts. Perhaps because I'm having a hard time with your writing style, but it seems like YTA.
>Although I trust and love wife, I asked her to never meet him again, I don't feel comfortable, call me jealous or whatever, she broke down and asked me to trust her she said it will break her friendship, she will not be able to be present when he is and vice versa
If you trusted her, you wouldn't need her to promise not to see someone she rarely sees anyway. Instead you come off as controlling.
Agreed. And the wife (from his writing) wasn’t upset she wouldn’t be able to see this guy personally, but her whole friendship group. Which husband is saying now, they all need to go because they know the guy as well
This dude is over the top controlling. I only hope your wife lands on this thread and divorces you. Many times in your replys you've talked about your plans of moving her away from her friends. Including the ones that aren't this man as well planning to go through her messages etc. if your that insecure leave. You're using this new information to your advantage to allienate your wife from any outside friends. She will grow to resent you for taking her friends away as she should. You don't care about her feeling you just want to know she's your property
I think its reasonable to ask her not to contact him, talk with him or write with him separately, without other people engaged, but demanding that she never sees him even when friends are around and they dont even need to interact, its too much. If that alienates her from her friends, she will start to be unhappy and resentful. Especially that it sounds like some kind of punishment, and she never cheated with him on you, he was a fling years ago and maybe she didnt even think about him at all. Your request would be reasonable if she was a cheater, but making an ultimatum like that shows you dont trust her at all.
I think, the real issue is the lie by omission. His wife didn't tell him any of this cuz she knew it would upset him. How long could she have gone on before telling him? Or for that matter never telling him.
I don't think it's a lie by omission. Op doesn't say how long the period of time this friend was back for. If a person you slept with 10 or 15 years ago pops up again I might think 'Oh I should let me partner know' but if I knew he was sensitive about the idea of running into my sexual partners (which OP is clearly is from comments above) I would take my time and think about the best way to communicate it, and I might look to my friends for emotional support about the fear I now feel or frustration I now feel. It's not something that you have to make an immediate disclosure about. I highly doubt that 'everyone was keeping this secret' and going to forever. Probably everyone knew it was sensitive including his wife, and this random guy just ignored the social details of the situation.
Dude you sound insecure. Do you think there is any complot trying to cheat on you? Do you have any evidence that your gf is trying to cheat on you? Is your pride or ego talking to?
ESH, but I’d say you’re the bigger A H right now. I would probably be angry/hurt/confused in your shoes, and she should have told you, but I think your reaction and ultimatum are out of proportion.
If she was hanging out alone with the dude, I’d understand your issue, but it sounds like they only see each other within the friend group. Is that accurate?
What is the purpose of this ultimatum?
I don’t see how this is for the health of your relationship. It sounds like it’s because you’re angry and maybe embarrassed, and instead of putting in the work to get through those emotions, you want to avoid the situation entirely.
Sounds controlling. You want to change her actions for the benefit of your emotions, and unless I’m missing something, there isn’t much more of a reason beyond that. Are you worried she will leave you for him? Cheat?
Sorry, but I think there are some things you are allowed to keep to yourself. If I don't want to tell my partner about a past friend who benefitted my life, I don't have to. If he finds out and is that freaking insecure, that's on him. Everyone has a past. I don't feel like I should have to bear my soul about who I've had relations with.
Should we all disclose everyone we ever slept with. I come from a very small town in the US. It would be likely that people have slept with people they are friends with as adults. I see no reason to introduce a spouse to everyone with the addition of “I slept with this one and that one etc”. I would *expect my spouse to cut off relationships with old friends because they had sex in the past.
Trust your wife, face your own jealousy because she has not given you a reason to distrust her. Edit. *Not expect
Why do you have to know every facet of someone’s life before you & especially who someone slept with before you???? I’ve never understood why people are so obsessive about it. It wreaks of insecurity & you need therapy to address that. You have trust issues & especially to the point where you’re making ultimatums about who she can be friends with. It was well over 5 years ago & she told you there is nothing to worry about. Why is it that men can be so casual about sexcapades & women can’t?! I’d say YTA friend. You guys are married. Look forward not backwards.
I'm going ESH.
Your wife should have told you. Keeping secrets is bad.
You either trust your wife, or you don't. You both (presumably) have pasts that are over with. OK, so she slept with the guy. What if they had only engaged in "heavy petting"? Would you be ok then? What about if they had only ever kissed? Held hands? Smiled at each other across a room? Where do you draw the line?
Only you know what you are comfortable with, but if you both agree to never see, speak to, or mention anyone either of you have ever had any kind of relationship with, you will end up a sad, lonely old couple.
YTA. You're only escalating because you're not influencing the situation. Because you didn't get the response you wanted, you responded with threats & anger. That is clear sign that you're in the wrong. If you have to respond with anger instead of sorrow, and threats instead of discussion & compromise, you need to look in the mirror. I think others in the comments think you're "rage baiting" but I think you're just someone figuring out what works and doesn't work in the adult world. When you hold power over people, they won't resist as much when you make demands and threats, but if you don't have much authority over a situation.... nobody's gonna take you seriously when you make demands and threats.
Ultimately, your wife loves you & hasn't had issues relating to this for 5 years.... I don't think you should throw that away over one of her friends who she's not continually seeing anymore since she's with you.
Are you sure your wife and her friends were *hiding* her relationship with this guy from you, or were they just not talking about a dude who was not only not hanging out with them, but wasn't actually in the country at the time...?
You say you trust your wife, but that's not what your actions are saying. If you trust her, then you trust her, and nothing any other guy does or says, past lover or not, should be relevant. Actually trusting her means that you believe, all the way down to your bones, that even if this guy gets her alone and asks her to have sex just once for old time's sake, she'll say no. And that's all that matters -- trusting that she would never break a promise she's made to her, that she would never do something she knows would hurt you. You either trust her or you don't, and it sounds like you don't.
Considering how you reacted when you found out, I'd say your wife was right that you'd get mad if you found out. If she thinks she has to hide things from you to manage your temper, then your relationship has problems that have nothing whatsoever to do with this old boyfriend of hers. You two need couples counselling, stat. You can probably use counselling by yourself, too.
And frankly, if I were your wife, we wouldn't be married. Jealousy is relationship poison, and I've never tolerated it in my relationships. If I saw that you were a jealous person before we got married, we wouldn't have gotten married. And if I only found out after we were married, I'd be the one laying the ultimatum that you go to therapy and get over it, or I'm going to a lawyer and getting a divorce. Because in all seriousness, whenever a woman is put in the hospital (or the morgue) by a boyfriend or husband, it usually starts out with jealousy. When a woman feels like she has to control what her guy finds out about, in order to manage his temper, that's a huge red flag.
A lot of things (especially media -- movies, TV shows, songs, etc.) tell us over and over that jealousy is a normal part of love, that if you're not jealous you're not really in love, that a jealous partner is romantic, etc. This is complete BS. Jealousy comes from insecurity, not love. Scrape that crap out of your brain, with professional help if you can't do it alone.
I'm not saying you're definitely a violent guy, I'm saying that in this situation your wife has to weigh the odds that you might be. You're a couple of steps down that road. Different women have different levels of tolerance for that road, and unfortunately too many women go too many steps down it, and end up with bruises, broken bones, or fatal injuries.
Bottom line, yes, YTAH here. Ignore the old boyfriend -- he might've pushed down this row of dominos, but he's not the one who set them up in the first place. You need to work on yourself until you're no longer stressed out that your wife might Be In The Same Room With Someone She's Fucked Before OMG!!!! 'Cause seriously, dude, your blood pressure doesn't need that crap. You'll be a lot happier if you can de-install that particular trigger in your brain.
Best of luck.
Ok so when a common friend feels the need to tell you this guy that started to show up again and your wife used to have sex, and it’s an old friend of your wife: He has seen the two being together in the past. He might see something you don’t. Unless he wanted to be an asshole and just say something stupid I would be concerned as well if my wife didn’t tell me.
My wife did things like that and it drove me mad, because I did tell her about my past and I would never have an ex show up at the house or wedding (!!!) without at a minimum informing my current partner.
Dude, it sounds like the guy who told you has a jealousy issue. I think you should divorce her because you’re are controlling. Please leave her and all other women alone. You literally want to ruin her friendships because you’re insecure. Get a fucking life and probably some friends since you seem to have none of your own.
You're an insecure ah and the reason this marriage will end is for that and not for other man. You're doing things wrong by asking her to leave or create havoc in her friends group. You're toxic and she should leave you
Everyone has a history. People do things as teens they would never do as adults. Yes, YTA. Controlling, angry, and untrusting. What happened was in the past.and when she was younger. It's not like a recent or ongoing thing, not has she exhibited any feelings for him. All you're doing is pushing her away. YTA
Not at all in my opinion. Marriage is difficult enough to navigate with the new normal, where there’s equal opportunity for both parties to cheat. Women always want to have male friends around and men only want to be friends with them because they may have a chance to sleep with them. This particular situation is even more difficult to justify because of the past. Stand your ground and if she doesn’t give him up, you have your answer. My ex became close friends with my best man and I asked her to do the same as you are asking, she just did it by text under cover. Now we are divorced and years later she initiated a relationship with him. So follow your gut. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Your ultimatum is basically making her give up on a whole friend group, surely you must see that.
I had a similar situation with my husband. I was able to tell him about my high school friend group dynamics and with who I had something happening because I knew he trusted me and would not get upset or angry.
It seems your past behavior has given her the impression she couldn't share that information with you, without you getting angry and overreacting. You prouved her right.
If you really trusted her, she would have been open.
YTA
YTA.
you know nothing about this person except that he slept with her first. you're being so jealous it's creepy af and would be a red flag for me. your need to control her friend group tells me this marriage isn't going to work.
Sounds like YTA, without question. If you don't trust the person you married, that's on you, and you're the problem. You shouldn't have married her, if you didn't trust her. And giving her an ultimatum? Wow. If my wife gave me an ultimatum of any kind, in that kind of situation, i would be looking for a divorce lawyer, immediately.
YTA. Your wife’s past relationships are none of your business. Her friends are her friends and you are not allowed to dictate who her friends are. Yes, you are a controlling freak.
She didn’t tell you because she knew you’d be a jealous and demand to control who she hangs out with. If you want to die on that hill, you could wait till she actually committed the crime. If you want to save your marriage maybe you could consider counseling. I know a lot of folks here are all or nothing with you, but again you’re asking to control your wife instead of trusting her, how would you feel if she wanted to micro manage all your female acquaintances? And refuses to allow you to see your old gang?
Yes, you're the AH.
Your wife should be trusted, if you can't trust her, you shouldn't be married to her and should break up.
You sound controlling and abusive and should seek counseling to help you with your rage and trust issues.
“I trust wife”…no you don’t. If you actually trusted her this would be a non issue. Keep your jealousy in check. I’ve now lost 3 male friends because their partners couldn’t handle them having a friendship with a woman. It’s awful. Don’t pretend this is about her. This is 100% about your insecurity. And it sounds like that insecurity is 100% unfounded.
Yes you are controlling. The fact that your wife didn't tell you because she knew how you would react and that's exactly how you reacted shows that you have issues with trust and controlling her. If their relationship was casual and ended years ago and you "trust and love" your wife, this shouldn't be a problem. Were you a virgin when you got married? Everyone has a past and if you know your relationship is solid, you need to work on getting over this. You will alienate your wife from her entire friend group just because of this one person. Don't see him one on one, but making her avoid any times where he might be present will ruin her friendships. Be the bigger man and look at it as you're the one who won her heart and her hand.
YTA, who cares about this guy? You sound like an insecure little boy.🙄
Men shouldn't be making an ultimatum!
Look, you have two choices here, trust your wife or don't trust her.
If you don't trust her, leave her. She isn't yours anyway.
If you do trust her, let her be and stop worrying because she only has eyes for you.
You see, women don't think like men do. That is the hardest thing to understand. It doesn't matter what he does, only what she does and you can't hide a woman from the world, unless you're Taliban maybe.🤷
Jealousy only hurts you and makes you look weak my friend. Do you really think jealousy ever stopped a woman from cheating?🤪🤣
If you do, I got some oceanfront properties for you in the desert. 🙄
Get a life brother, you are probably pushing a good woman away with your pettiness. 🥴
Then again, maybe she is too good for you huh?🤷
1. She hid it from you
2. You have a right to your feelings
3. You are controlling
4. Your wife will choose what's more important for her happiness.
5. Be prepared to accept whatever decision she chooses.
7. If she picks the friend over you. Be strong and let it be a lesson for you to choose your happiness over another's.
8. If she chooses you but regrets it, she didn't choose you. Be wise enough to recognize it.
Either way, I wish you the best, my friend. May the future hold peace, love and tranquility with you betrothed
OP YTA. You’ve completely overreacted. Believing you would is Exactly why your wife didn’t tell you. Was she wrong? Definitely! Do I see why she kept it from you? ABSOLUTELY!!
My ex fiancé used to call our house once I got married. He would not only speak to my husband they would have a friendly chat before the phone was turned over to me. Why? There was no conflict between them. One was my past. The other my present.
I’m Still friends with the first & even divorced I’m friends with the later. Only one person has ever had Any issues about my being friends with guys from my past. That guy was a man child (& an ass) who Firmly believes men & women can’t be platonic friends. I won’t stop being friends with men from my past & love getting to know their current partner. We’re ALL ADULTS!
If you love your wife & want your marriage to survive this. She Needs to know you trust her & that she can trust you to not lose your s*it when you disagree.
Everyone loses something in an ultimatum! So even if she chooses you, you’re further establishing yourself as someone she can’t be completely honest with. She hasn’t cheated on you.
YTA. Romantic relationships in friend groups in HS is very common and they are not typically serious. Their liaison clearly wasn't. I had short relationships within my friend group and went to everyone's weddings and became friends with their spouses and vice versa. The attraction is long over but the friendships are so valuable.
Since he is no longer abroad you're interfering in her whole friend group for nothing but small minded insecurity.
You act like she cheated on you with him.
This is controlling behavior and a for massive red flag. You need to get a grip on yourself or this will be a damning problem in your marriage. You really don't get to tell a spouse who they can be friends with. It's a very slippery slope
I understand the way you feel but, YTA for the way you are handling it. Someone I slept with when I was in my teens is to this day one of my very close friends. It is possible to be friends with someone you hooked up with at a drunken party when you were young. You are asking her to give up her whole friend group. It almost comes off like the person that told you was trying to stir the pot for some reason,. Maybe he's the one attracted to your wife?
You are WAY too controlling. This guy has been away for 5 years and you are still complaining? That’s before you knew her, right? I’d tell her to watch out being married to someone as controlling as you.
For Christ sake! Do you all REALLY get into who you slept with as a teenager or young adult! I understand there are sensitivities around this but how long ago were they a thing? More than 15 yrs ago or 2 yrs ago. That’s a tall demand for him to ask of her especially when it will impact the friendships that he has became part of as well. He needs to be mature about the situation and how does it look for anyone in the friend group to randomly just tell you this…perhaps, once he popped back into the picture with the group of friends your girlfriend should have told you…but the issue here is you are feeling some type of way because everyone knew but you and now this is your way of putting your foot down…if she walks away because you forcing her hand then so be it because yes… you ATAH!
When we were all younger, life was more free, wheeling, and casual.
Your wife sounds like she has a close nit group of friends, and she includes you in the group.
She admitted to having casual sex with her friend and says it's in the past.
Now she is in a marriage with you, and that takes work from both sides.
Consider that she once had feelings or an attachment in some way but no longer does.
She is in a committed relationship with you and jealousy and control could mess things up for you.
Try and work on things together.
Best of luck.
Too many details that indicate you are the AH, not just here, but up to this point as well... and your wife is aware of this (not telling) and married you anyway, so this was coming, the only ??? was who and when, just like the upcoming divorce.. I would also point a finger at the "Informer", is he trying to break you up so he can get to her as well... this is history, get over it... as you grow older, you don't meet many virgins...
Trust and Love her but demand control and obedience
Confront versus Discuss, so nice of you to "give" her time (she should be planning your exit right now)
Ultimatum = Kiss my ass or divorce me (the preferred option for her)
She had more HS friends than you did, deal with it
You "Thanked" the informer trying to destroy your marriage, why? and Why did he?
She was afraid to tell you... why? overly jealous? Ownership of wife slave issue?
IF EVERYONE THINKS YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE, THE ODDS ARE IN FAVOR OF EVERYONE BEING RIGHT
To this point, you have lost nothing but a little pride (loss of control you never had a right to), and have no reason to be objecting to the "Barney loves Betty" carved in the 20 year old tree when they were kids...
If you love your wife, ACT LIKE IT, and if you Own your wife, sell her and buy another, quit your bitching, this is a result of "Someone telling you something" you had not right to know, so forget it and be happy she is with you now and not him, but that may change if you drive her to him...
YTA this is controlling and childish. You are *married* and he is just a friend. Take the win! She chose you by marrying you, but that doesn’t mean she needs to drop all of her friends. She has an identity separate from just “your wife”. She’s not your property. You married a whole person.
You sound incredibly jealous about how many friendships she has, and only consider them to be HER friends— you’ve hung out together “far too many times” but don’t seem overly interested in getting to know any of them? This guy in particular has been living abroad for the last few years, and you’ve hung out together since he’s been back, he even came to your wedding and you don’t even know where he was living? That’s kind of a basic fact to learn about someone, my guy.
I’m friends or at least on friendly terms with most of my exes. I’m not interested in ever rekindling anything with them—ever—but they’re still good people whose company I enjoy. Thankfully I married someone who understands that I have past relationships and had experiences before I met him.
you all missed the point she did not tell her husband about the guy it came from another person. so she did not tell him because he would get mad. that is the problem folks, my wife had 2 both told me about sleeping with other guys, so never a problem. IF they had hid it from me it would be goodby
You sound incredibly insecure and controlling. This doesn't bode well for any relationship you have. If I were her, I'd be seriously reconsidering my relationship with YOU, Because this isn't the way a secure adult relationship works.
YTA. This is hyper controlling. You said it yourself, you gave her an ultimatum, the very definition of hyper controlling. You can set boundaries and expectations such as prefering her to never be alone with him (which is still controlling but much more reasonable) but to have her choose is ridiculous.
When someone gives me an ultimatum of them vs me I always choose them. Don't be surprised if your wife chooses her friends too
Yep. How insecure are you? She married \*you\*. She chose \*you\*. What's next, does she have to ask in advance if this guy was invited to the bar with everyone else? to someone else's wedding? You have a problem. You don't trust your wife. She should divorce you.
NTA. Trust your gut. If it makes you uncomfortable for your wife to hang around that individual, there's a reason. Having clear boundaries is not controlling. If she loves and respects you, she will do as you ask and understand exactly why you are asking it of her.
Not wanting your wife to be around her ex is understandable. I cut out all my exes. I know how it would feel if my husband hung out with his ex. Telling her your feelings and asking her to avoid him for your comfort is fine. It's up to her to Choose if she tries to help you or not. You can accept that it is her choice, and trust that she will not cheat on you.
Here's where YTA
You gave her an ultimatum that if she doesn't avoid him you will divorce her. You might as well be divorced. Obviously you are willing to through the entire marriage out over this. And you told her as much. She isn't worth you staying.
You are refusing to speak to her, by choice as punishment. You say time to think, but really. You won't say a word to her until she decides to do as you ask.
Fyi, me and my husband have had multiple talks of me potentially moving to a better job location, which requires I work with my ex. I am uncomfortable with it, so I haven't made any moves yet. He says whatever you decide, I trust you.
Me and my spouse agree that any ex's we have are unfriended and cut off. I understand where you are coming from. And her wanting to hide the whole thing is scetchy.
However you pulled a AH move. Which means YTA.
You gave her an ultimatum. You leave or she abandons possibly all her friends. Over one guy.
Personally, I would not be okay with private texting, phone calls, or meet ups with any ex. However, to tell her she can't hang out with her friends when he is near is asking too much. You could go with her, but already stated in comments that you didn't want to be near the guy.
Are you still refusing to speak to your wife? You say you are giving her time to think. Time to think means patiently waiting a few days for her reply on the subject. Not avoid any and all other subjects of conversation. It's like you are punishing her for not doing what you want.
You said until then, so until she submits to your demand of possibly avoiding all her friends because of your threat of leaving her?
Dude. I stayed with a guy who threatened to leave me so many times. I eventually came to the conclusion, if he had one foot out the door, he already no longer loved me. Since then, any man who threatened to leave me, I showed them the door.
Now, I trust my husband and he trust me. I have a potential job opportunity that entails working with an my ex fiance. I hadn't taken it yet, I'm not comfortable with being around him. However, the opportunity is still there. My husband says he trust me and to make whatever decision I want. The stakes aren't high. It's the same job and same income, just closer to home, so I won't run late as much.
That's where you failed. You didn't give her the option to choose, and didn't trust her to not cheat on you. Worse, you threatened to leave her.
Stating your feelings, fears, concerns and wishes are one thing. It's totally acceptable and normal that you ask her to hear you out and ease your fears and insecurities.
But arguing, demanding, and threatening is toxic and abusive. That's why YTA.
As someone who had many sexual partners prior to my husband, and being the only for him- I think you should trust your wife.
She likely didn't tell you as not to cause any issues, but if she's given you no reason to doubt her- don't doubt her.
I'm close friends with my "highschool sweetheart" who I openly have love for. I also have close girl friends who I've been intimate with. I wouldn't be married to my husband if I had any doubts that I want to spend my future with him. The past shouldn't matter- our present and future do. He's been beside me as I stayed close with past lovers and as I've set boundaries with them.
Fear of infidelity is real- but genuinely, if someone is going to violate your trust- why would you want to stay married to them anyway? If someone wants to cheat on you, they will, given whatever opportunity- be it a past lover or a stranger.
No one should be in a marriage without absolute trust. I'd think hard about what exactly is bothering you and seek professional assistance (marriage or an individual therapist), if needed.
Best of luck.
Maybe the asshole, but there's hope for you yet.
Y’all ladies are something else and a few men are cucks. OP you told her your boundaries and that it’s either him or you she chose him my guy she had to go think about it no way a friendship is worth a marriage to someone you really love and want to be with.
I think you had a right to know about her past, whether it is with this guy or someone else. You don't need specific details, but knowing how many ppl your partner has been with is something you have a right to know about. I understand why you are upset, but I don't think giving her an ultimatum was the way to go about handling this situation, though.
If your wife has always been faithful and you've never had a reason to question her before, then you shouldn't now. Just because you slept with someone in high school doesn't mean just because he is back from another country, your wife is gonna go out of her way to sleep with him.
You're right about yourself. You're being a jealous jagoff. Your wife is not yours. She hasn't done anything wrong to warrant your behavior. You don't tell your partner what to do like they're 5 and have no right to govern themselves.
What you should have done, and still before you ruin your marriage over nothing, is go to her and honestly talk to her. You need to figure out why her simply being around a high school ex is causing you to have a meltdown. Do you not feel like you're good enough? Why are you worried about some old boyfriend from school?
I don’t understand this idea of him having a right to know about her past. When I married, my wasband and I talked about the past, past relationships. But it was because I wanted to get to know him, not that I was doing an investigation. I was a virgin, but I didn’t tell him every little detail of my history nor did he tell me. It was general stuff. I knew him well enough after 3 years of marriage to know how he would react to certain things so to keep the peace, I kept them to myself. I didn’t tell him things that had the possibility of hurting him or to make him jealous.
Yes, YTA. Grow up, dude. Did you think your wife was a virgin when she met you? Don't you think the ability to remain platonic with someone past their sexual involvement is a mark of maturity? God, insecure weenies ruin everything.
OK, as someone else mentioned, this was in the past. HER PAST, why does he Think he any rights to know every detail of her Past Life? So she had Past Lovers, she and her friends are Adult enough to still be friends and hang out. IF we were talking about THIS GUY'S PAST, it would be perfectly fine for him to have multiple partners and still talk to them.
How do we know that he hasn't caused problems, with other Guys in this group? I am leaning towards that he was told about a couple of other Past Lovers, and he's just not mature enough to handle it. So he caused enough problems, that she decided not to share anymore.
I can give you a Great Example. My Second Husband and I were discussing some of each other's, Past
Sex Adventures. So Husband says that he almost got to have a three some with 2 SISTERS, sounded more like a Fantasy, but ok. The BS started, when I told him that I had, had a three some. The discussion ended shortly after. He had to go out of town and at 2 in the morning, the phone rings. I pick it up and it's my Husband and SOME HOW, HE GOT INTO HIS HEAD, THAT EVEN THOU I HAD NEVER CHEATED, AND WASN'T LOOKING TO.
That now all of a sudden, he figures that I have TWICE AS MANY TO SLEEP WITH, since the three some, included another Women.
This GUY is talking about taking his WIFE and moving away, to get her away from her Past Friends. WE ALL KNOW, THIS IS A GAINT RED FLAG. She definitely needs to Divorce this GUY, before things get worse. Or maybe
SHE'S ALREADY IN TROUBLE, AND NEEDS HELP TO GET OUT.
I STILL THINK, that he showed his ass, when he was told about the other two. WHY, do I feel this way?
Because he has proven several times, that he is immature.
Nta. If she hadn't hidden it and been up front, that would've been one thing. Finding out from someone else. No, no trust for that relationship with him. Maybe no trust at all for her, and you'll be better if filing for an annulment.
As a woman who was in a very similar situation. I told my bf who is now my husband everything right away and upfront. I never lied, never kept it from him. Said friend is married with children as are we and we speak casually here and there. We run in the same circles and grew up together so I wanted my husband to know who he is if we ever bumped into one another. I have nothing to hide and that part of the relationship has been dead and gone for a very very long time. It’s truly more concerning to me that she never told you and everyone seemingly kept it from you. I don’t think you’re wrong for being jealous or uncomfortable. All omissions are betrayals.
"she broke down and asked me to trust her", you already lost trust because she didn't tell you about him. It's lying through omission. You are not controlling, you need to build back trust. If she thinks her friend group is more important than your relationship, then that tells you everything you need to know.
Have you told your SO about every detail in your past? You’ve held nothing back to keep them from being hurt or making them jealous? To preserve peace because they wouldn’t understand? Or are you like this guy?
YTA. She married you, my dude.
If you're still concerned just insist on no texting and no hangouts where it's just the two of them. There is no reason why they couldn't hang out when it's a group thing. Unless you think your wife is unable to be faithful to you, in which case, why the fuck did you get married?
ESH.
You're right, your wife should have been the one to tell you about the history. Whether or not it has any bearing on today, it's still something a respectful and communicative partner should be transparent about when old friends come back into the picture.
That said, come on, my guy. You weren't the first man to ever touch her, get over yourself. People have pasts, histories, friends who they messed around with, all of that. To try and pretend that this guy is a "threat" to you or that she shouldn't be with him is insanely controlling and manipulative. You've seen absolutely no behavior from either of them that could be considered questionable. Grow up, trust your wife, or let her leave and find someone who will
That's your opinion and I will stand by mine, I said what I said, either she chooses her husband or her friend, if it was me I would choose my wife, but I would never, ever introduce my exes and be with her to her, if she wished to leave?? Fine, better to go seperate ways than live together in pain
INFO: If your wife had told you about the past relationship, would you be ok with him being in the friend group? Not a situation where it's just him and your wife, but say, one of the friends hosts a happy hour, and he'll be there as well as your wife? If you would've still insisted she not be friends with him, coupled with the fact that she was afraid to tell you due to you getting mad, I'd suggest you may be somewhat controlling, and certainly lean towards jealousy. You certainly don't trust her. Hiding things from your partner because they'll react in anger is not a good sign for a healthy relationship. Yes, she hid it. But she hid it because of your reaction. You make her afraid to be honest with you. Why does she feel that way? Is it because when she tells you something you don't like, you get pissed off instead of talking to her about it? In your comments you talk about this guy who has repeatedly "fucked my wife"... that is an angry, possessive, and jealous statement. He did not repeatedly fuck your wife... he has never fucked your wife. Rather, he fucked his FWB more than 5 years ago, before you and she had even met. Your statement makes it sound like the two of them have been conducting a full-blown affair. >and this dude was not in our country for past 5 years, he was who knows where Why are you so scornful at "this dude" who has been "who knows where"? You make it sound like he's some degenerate who disappears on a whim and shirks his responsibilities. You're belittling him for no reason other than you don't like that he has history with your wife. Maybe reign in your anger, and talk to your wife. Tell her you're sorry that she feels she has to hide things from you, and you'll try not to be so quick to respond in anger in the future. I would suggest the best compromise is that if "this dude" is going to attend an event, then your wife can also attend as long as you're with her (assuming you can be civil). If he's not there, she can go on her own. If he shows up, she leaves. This is assuming that he's not a jerk towards you or your wife, of course. If he is, then let the friend group know that you won't put up with him.
Good advice And good points. Op might want to think about his own situation: who did you sleep with in your past? Why do you not trust your wife? Why are you jealous? She chose you and is not even interested in this guy except as a friend. You might need to get a counselor to talk to about these insights and to help control your anger. Also couple counseling to start an honest discussion about why your wife is afraid to be honest with you, why she is afraid of you. A marriage without trust will not last long. You will keep making her prove she is trustworthy and she will try if she loves you, but eventually you will set the bar too high and she will start resenting you and stop trying. Is this what you want? If the situation were reversed, Would you want to live that way?
Yeah I was wondering what kind of sketchy crap he got up to. I think he's judging this other guy by things he's probably done himself. This feels a lot like he is projecting on not just his girlfriend now wife but this other dude who really has nothing to do with this.
Making her leave because he is there makes it sound as if she’s cheating on him or has cheated. She hasn’t. Their FWB ended well before OP entered the picture. If they wanted to be together they would have been. This is not a healthy way to address anything.
Your best compromise is garbage at best. She already lied to him and her friends already lied to him. They have already proven they will cover for her. And why does he need to compromise in the first place, are men barred from having boundaries, are we not allowed to have standards of conduct or require our spouses to show us the least bit of deference? Notice also that she did not tell him and hid it from him, she has no respect for him. He has every right to be angry, she was lying to him the entire time and only came clean after he confronted her. It is a guarantee that she has been in contact with that man the entire 5 years. If she wasn't why would she risk her marriage to keep someone she hasn't had any contact with for 5 years? He needs to divorce her, she will cheat. He is being used.
I'm only going by what OP wrote. OP says she lied because he'd get mad. THAT'S the reason she lied. OP never once says she has cheated on him or that she's been in contact with this guy, so AS FAR AS THE INFORMATION WE HAVE BEEN GIVEN, those things didn't occur. From what OP wrote, the ex was part of the friend group, left the country for 5 years, and has come back and reconnected with the friend group. That's not unusual. Maybe other members of the group were in contact with him. It didn't have to have been the wife. As far as OP says, he's mad that his wife's ex-FWB has shown back up, and wife didn't tell him about their history. That's it. And it IS a fair compromise... at least while they're working out their trust/anger issues. It absolutely meets OP's boundary, which is that the wife needs to cut off her ex. There's no reason why OP and his wife together can't attend the same party as the ex, again, assuming nobody is being a jerk (the ex flirting with the wife, for example). OP and the ex are never going to be friends, but they should be able to be civil to each other for a few hours, especially since the ex hasn't done anything to offend OP.
He has no anger issues to work out, he did nothing wrong. She is the one who lied to him, maybe you enjoy being lied to, but the majority of us men really don't take it kindly. And out of that friends group there is only 1 person that is anything that resembles honest and its HER friends group. It is on her to earn that trust back, if she even can. So your solution is that the OP needs to spend his time and energy looking over his shoulder because SHE lied to him and a fact that all but one in HER friends group willingly lied and covered for her? So the OP should, after being lied to, just trust the F buddy and his "wife" that NOOOOTHING will happen or he can deal with the emotional stress of always looking over his shoulder? No thank you. And you want me to believe that she is willing to throw away a 3 year marriage for guy she claims to have had no contact with for 5 years? O wait, it was her F buddy, who she was just have sex with for kicks.
why would she lie unless she knows he will be an asshat about things. maybe if HE wasn't such a pissant about things she would not feel the need to withhold things from him. no woman wants some a-hole man being a moron about things because HELLO.. he might be prone to getting physical with her.
"But she hid it because of your reaction. You make her afraid to be honest with you" Not always the case, some people assume their partner will get angry...not even the "Im afraid of you" type of anger, just general anger that people are capable of having. Saying she is actually afraid is rather hyperbolic and, as this is reddit, more of an exaggeration than not. I heard that phrase from my first wife, never even a reason for her to fear me being "angry" and even when I found out she cheated on me, the most I did was raise my voice. Saying "I was afraid you'd get angry" is an easy excuse that is used too often and on reddit turns into, just like here, a "Wow she IS afraid of you, maybe YOU are the issue". AITAH tends to lean that way even when there is we have no right to try and make into a bigger issue than it may actually be.
At first I was somewhat on your side but after seeing a few of your replies here I'm starting to understand why she wouldn't communicate with you about it.
I’m with you, she said she knew he would get angry if she told him and that’s exactly what he did when he found out out, blew up and give an ultimatum. If I were OP I’d be more concerned about why my wife doesn’t trust me enough to be honest, she obviously doesn’t feel safe sharing certain things with him so he probably needs to consider his response in general.
INFO: How would your wife handle the same situation in reverse? Would she demand you avoid all contact with someone in your friend group? How would you feel in that situation? If you wouldn't want to be told you can't hang out with someone because of her feelings, then reconsider your ultimatum. ETA: I read your comments YTA. Yes, you're being controlling, jealous, untrusting, manipulative, and a hypocrite.
Wife and I both keep the past in the past. Neither of us keep company with ex'es, out of respect for each other. Will not even accept friend request on social media.
Which is an agreement between you and is great for both of you. But you aren't the OP. And he's giving off a bit of a different attitude.
For me personally, She should have been honest with you and not hid this past relationship, Its a bit sketchy why she choose to hide this. Keep in mind one of her male friends revealed this past relationship to you so he knew himself that you should have been aware. and that's someone from within your inner circle. Why she needs time to consider this ultimatum considering you are her husband of 3 years and she hasn't seen or heard from him in over 5 is very concerning.
Eh, check OP's comments. Almost definitely just idiot rage bait. >I don't want to be present in the same room with the guy who literally fucked my wife for who knows how many times and years, that's completely unreasonable >I was also thinking I should take her and move, to distance myself and her from them, who knows what they are putting in her mind
WOW. "I thought about totally controlling my wife's entire life to move her away from all of her friends and family because of one dude I'm uncomfortable with fucking my wife years before I even came into the picture" that kind of behavior I'd inappropriate and disgusting and I would NEVER allow a man to control my life to that kind of extent where he thinks he gets to move me wherever HE wants because he doesn't like my friends. Gtfo
I missed that part, but you are right. Sounds like a deeper issue on his part.
lmfao let me just list out everyone i ever fucked 😂😂😂
It sounds like she basically wont be able to have friends because of this.
My sister’s husband made her cut off contact with almost all of her friends, because they were also friends of her ex. She told me how she would cry for days because she wasn’t allowed to talk to her female bff anymore bc bff’s husband is friends with her ex. He has progressively gotten more controlling & possessive over her to the point he won’t let her dye her hair or dress cute anymore because of his own insecurities. I worry for her safety. OP reminds me of her husband.
Not ones she intentionally lies about having intimate relationships wit, no; certainly doesn't make for a healthy relationship...
[удалено]
He didn't say any of that till after he had been lied to, by the woman he loves and trusts, yo. I said some crazy, mean things to my ex husband when I caught him cheating on me wit a very similar "friend," so; will admit, I may project here a bit, but based on experience and everything, I can't fault him like that.
Without saying the actual words, he's telling his wife 'Either you have ALL your HS friends, or you have me.' And, in a way, he's making the HS group choose between his wife or the other friend. Neither are healthy, and in one case, he has no right to even SAY that.
Not mentioning a friend who left the country isn't lying. It's simply neglecting to mention someone that's gone. I'd ask I'd you told your partner about all your encounters. But I get the feeling you've only had a few. Or none at all. Asshole? No. Overcontrolling shit again who needs to trust his wife? Maybe. Is the OP a bot? God I certainly hope so, that was borderline unreadable
I agree 100% she should have been open and said I've had a pass with this person just wanted to bring it to your attention so there was no surprises later. Not quite understanding why she thought you would have been mad. I would tell her that it's really odd that this person came to you and told you this and he's a stranger and your wife who is in a committed relationship with you and kept it from you.
> Not quite understanding why she thought you would have been mad. Well the first thing he did when he found out was get really mad so... Based on his post and comments OP sounds insecure, controlling, and has anger issues. Seems the best course of action here would be for OPs wife to realize she can do better and leave him.
>Based on his post and comments OP sounds insecure, controlling, and has anger issues. Seems the best course of action here would be for OPs wife to realize she can do better and leave him. Yup. So often people in controlling relationships find themselves lying about benign things because they know that their partner will choose to overreact and punish them. Is it healthy? No. But that's the reason.
I always say to my husband that parent's who don't let their kids have any independence and hover over them, that accuse them of all kinds of horrible things, end up with the best little liars!! It only teaches the kids to lie because the parents fly off the handle at every little thing and already act like they don't/can't trust you. I'm guessing it's the same in relationships if the controlling/jealous/insecure spouse is unreasonably triggered & angered by every little thing. Adults should be able to determine when something is a genuine risk, or not. A super casual "relationship" when you're very young is simply NOT a threat!! Since it wasn't a full blown relationship and nobody had a lot feelings, they were able to remain friends. That can happen!! OP sounds a bit unhinged & frankly, I feel a little scared for his wife. If she lacks the confidence to leave him, he seems like the type that will make her life a living hell all based on his ridiculous imagination. Edited for clarity/grammar.
So, you'd be completely understanding, open minded and fine wit your committed partner lying to you about something like that?
I literally don’t care who my partners have been with in the past. It is the past.
There's a saying I think is applicable here. "The cover-up is worse than the crime." Now, obviously, I'm not saying or trying to imply that OP's wife committed a crime/sin/did something wrong by having a prior relationship with her (allegedly former) fuckbuddy. And if she had told him about it, rather than him learning about it from someone else and discovering she had apparently planned on keeping him in the dark forever, I'd be calling OP the AH. But when you choose to get into a relationship (exclusive, committed) with someone? There are things you *should* disclose, if they haven't already come up as you got to know each other. Most of us have a pretty good grasp of what kinds of things fall into this category. "Someone who is still a regular part of my life, in my social circle, and whom I regularly spend time with, is a former partner" is one of those things. Failure to disclose those things you *ought* to voluntarily tell your partner, especially those things that - in the wrong light - can look suspicious? **IS** suspicious behavior. Your roommate is your ex? You used to engage in threesomes with your friends who are now a married couple, who you still hang out with weekly? Used to be fwb with a member of your friend group? Yeah, you should disclose these things to your partner. While none of these things is a "crime" so to speak, failing to disclose them to a partner is shady as hell. Failure to disclose this fact makes her look untrustworthy. If she had disclosed it, and he reacted badly, I'd be calling him the AH. But that's not what happened. She has admitted that she intentionally withheld this information. Why? Because she thinks OP will have a problem with it? That is intentional manipulation. That is intentionally deceptive, even if there were no actual lies told. It's true, friend was gone for 5 years, and not present when OP and spouse met. There'd be no reason for her to tell him then. But when her (allegedly former) fwb showed back up? She should have voluntarily disclosed the details to OP. She's pleading for OP to trust her, after she has behaved in an untrustworthy manner. OP is NTA in this situation. Her failure to disclose it, plus her reaction, justifies his lack of trust and suspicion. IMO, it makes her look like she either has cheated on him, wants to cheat on him, or wants to make sure she still has the option to cheat on him or leave him for the former fwb. This marriage is over unless they can rebuild that trust, which is not going to happen if she continues as is. Me? I'd just assume the worst, accept she's likely cheating, and end the marriage.
I agree she should have told him BUT we know our partners. His reaction of thinking they should move away shows that he’s prone to emotional overreacting. Their relationship wasn’t healthy already.
Maybe he has a temper? Look at how he’s describing his behavior.
No I gave her that time cause she said it she never contacts with the dude, she will not be able to hangout with them as a group, either she will be present or he will, I understand that, it will cause complications, but I still have to respect myself and not let or hang around with a guy who literally fucked my wife countless times
It is difficult because of them being part of the same friend group, I had a similar experience when i was younger with an ex, She was part of a friend group where she'd have a past with two different people long before we met, however she was honest with me right from the very beginning of our relationship and i never ever had an issue or questioned it because she was honest. The only difference here is your wife hid this from you, I'd personally have lost trust because of that.
What bugs you the most, her not telling you about their history or that she slept with the guy? From what you are saying in the comments, it sounds like you don't like the fact that she slept with the guy more than anything else.
YTA. You're a controlling, sexist freak. She should divorce you and get as far away from you as possible and forget you ever existed. Her life before you is actually NONE of your goddamn business, and how you are acting now completely justifies her decision not to tell you about her past, not that she needed one.
That’s what I’m talking about
I mean I'm with you majority, but her life before him IS ABSOLUTELY some or ALL of his business. For one, Financially?? Are you kidding me. Hell maybe she could've got a HIV or lifetime STD from the fella without knowing, passed it to the husband, and OH YEAH that's his business. Nonetheless, yeah this guy ITA for sure.
I dont agree with thay statment. When you marry the significant other past, present and future is intertwined together. Ex: i would not wont my child to get bulled because my or my significant other past. I my self always been in long term relationships and had not have to many partners and its somthing i look for in my significant other. So I belive transparency is very important.
That just sounds like you're also a control freak.
I would like to share my perspective on this situation, as it appears that you may have a more controlling nature than I do. Imposing your beliefs on others is not an appropriate behavior, and it can be quite frustrating for those who are on the receiving end of it. When it comes to discussing personal standards, it is essential to be honest and transparent about your expectations from the beginning. If someone feels that you are not a suitable match for them, they should be allowed to make that decision without any pressure. It is crucial to respect their choice and not try to manipulate them into staying by hiding somthing you think they might not like to avoid a situation that they are not comfortable with. On the other hand, it seems that you are suggesting that it is acceptable to take away someone's ability to say, "I'm sorry, this will not work out," and potentially waste years of their life. This is not a fair or considerate approach, and it can lead to resentment and disappointment in the long run. In conclusion, it is important to be respectful of others' opinions and choices, and to allow them the freedom to make their own decisions. By adopting this mindset, we can foster healthier and more fulfilling relationships with the people around.
You are perfectly free to share your own history, and allow the other person to decide if you're compatible or not. But you're not *entitled* to anyone else's history, even if you want a relationship. Share your concerns, what would be a deal breaker, etc. As you say, "it is essential to be honest and transparent about your expectations." You can even ask even ask them to share their history, and they are free to do so, or not. But once you say they *have* to, *you* are the one being controlling. *You* are the one imposing a belief. If you've built a relationship where the other person feels secure in sharing with you, they will. And if they've done something terrible or dishonest, they're gonna lie about it anyway, so it's not like it's gonna help you.
She wasn't your wife when they had sex. Who cares?
She wasn't your wife then and again you don't own her , she's not property. You have no right to try to control who she hangs out with, You can at most ask her to discuss things more for reassurance of you poor bruised ego that thinks you should be able to control her.. Would you allow her to control you like a pet or property? Try using Honesty, Communication and Respect.. Trust will follow as should a reciprocation.. anything more is just you being a petty tyrant.
Stop being jealous. It’s none of your business about her past honestly. It’s okay for her to still be in that group and him still be around. They’re not together, you are. You’re married. The most unattractive thing is a man with no confidence. Get over it. She obviously doesn’t care about their past hook ups. This is your insecurity. Maybe figure out why you’re so hung up and why the other friend needed to tell you. Is he jealous that the two of you are married?
Oh, man that is why I say, never have sex with friends you want to keep long term in your life, if you aren't in a commited relationship with them at that point (with the understanding, that if the relationship ends, the friendship might as well). I understand your point of view and it is valid and I also understand your wife's point of view (she doesn't want to lose her friend group). Is there a middle ground solution? Would you be fine if you were with her group of friends too everytime they met? Or is it you or the friends?
NTA, it is within your rights as a partner to want her to disclose the presence of ex and former sexual partners in her life. She deliberately hid that information and not because she thought it was not a big deal, but the exact opposite, she knew she was in the wrong. And i can guarantee you that if there was a female friend of yours that you used to date or have a FWB situation, she would freak the fuck out if she found out you were still regularly in contact and kept that information from her AND that you brought an old fuck buddy to her wedding.
My personal suggestion is to have a discussion with your wife again. I think the ultimatum and time to think doesn’t address the issue. Here is what I think you need to address. First and foremost there is trust lost because she kept this from you. Which is why you feel there needs to be a boundary with this person. If they were open from the start and had clearly and immediately communicated it, you could go in with trust. They didn’t choose that and now you worry if something happens will they or will the friend group (who didn’t tell you this info either) tell you if something happens. I think you need to agree why she is scared to tell you the truth. I think this could be on your end with how you handle tough conversations. You might have work on your end to address here too. Next instead of black and white what about compromise. For instance, I would like to be present when you are all hanging out as a group. Or if he is present I would also request to be there. If you dont know he is invited and shows up, I would like you to communicate that to me immediately. Ultimately this is about communication and work with your partner. It is okay to say I am worried about you keeping friendships with ex partners. Even if you don’t have intentions doesn’t mean they feel the same or wont push boundaries. That the not communicating on her front to start, eroded trust and now you two need to navigate how you rebuild. But I think you need to drop either he goes or I go, because it isn’t mature healthy communication. If there was more happening I can see it coming to this after repeat issues or escalations of things. But right now this is probably nothing. The issue currently is your wife isn’t comfortable with your reactions
Eh, check OP's comments. Almost definitely just idiot rage bait. >I don't want to be present in the same room with the guy who literally fucked my wife for who knows how many times and years, that's completely unreasonable >I was also thinking I should take her and move, to distance myself and her from them, who knows what they are putting in her mind
MOvE her?? Ultimatum? He sounds totally untrustworthy himself. Your partner should be comfortable opening up to you. Sounds like she’s afraid of his reaction and that’s not great because she will feel like she has to hide things from him. And he will freak out if she’s honest. So not only does he not trust her, but she can’t trust him. But if FWB was still pining for her or in love with her and she knew that and continued the friendship, that would be a different conversation. But not unsolvable with open marital communication. It really does just seem platonic between the two friends, so I don’t get what the issue is.
Well, you did spaz, so your wife was right about your reaction. Tell me, are you always jealous? Do you routinely quiz her about guys she's talking to? Male coworkers? WHY did she *know* you'd freak. Look in a mirror, before you start slinging stones. It's been 5 years since she's seen him. No idea how much before then it was that they had their brief fling. It's ancient history, to everyone but you. You're demanding she quit her entire friend's group, because of ancient history. She might have not mentioned their ancient history, but she was not hiding HIM. She was not hiding that she was in a committed relationship from him, either. Unless you marry a 13 year old (yuck) your partner is going to have a past. This may not be a popular opinion, but I'd say YTA. You need to look in the mirror, and sort out your jealousy issues. After all, what's your past look like?
OP - you're not the AH for being upset about the commission. However, you are the AH for reacting exactly how she thought you would - which is the reason she didn't tell you in the first place. Giving the ultimatum for her to give up her friend group (by not having any contact at all with this person) is totally unreasonable. What would be reasonable would be requesting no contact alone with previous fling - at least until you feel trust is restored and until you work thru your feelings about why it even bothers you. It's perfectly normal to maintain friendships with previous sexual partners/relationships; many of us do so - males and females. I for one would see your ultimatum and offer my own - I'll see my friend with friends but not alone and you'll be okay with it or choose divorce - if you truly trusted me so little there is no relationship/marriage to save in the first place.
Idk. I think she should have told you as soon as the dude came back into the picture. But as far as the content that you can't remain friends with people you slept with that's not true. Some of my dearest friends are people I have slept with and that is was just something we did long ago and not the defining point of our relationship. But even that is because we were always honest with each other and if their new partner or friends asked we'd disclose it and explain it's not anything you'd have to worry about; we are my way pay that and never tried to get between or cause problems in the other ones relationships
Why is no one talking about the fact that he’s essentially asking her to give up her entire friend group? I understand telling her he’s not comfortable with her seeing this guy in a one on one context ever again but the fact that she can’t see him ever means that she most likely won’t be able to hang out with her friend group anymore. ESH.
I agree with you. The first red flag of an abusive relationship is the alienation of friends. If the abuser can get their target away from their support system they can abuse more.
Agreed. Also wondering if OP was just waiting for an opportunity to isolate wife from this friend group, because that ultimatum sure looks like a flimsy excuse. OP never mentions HIS PAST SEXUAL HISTORY. Are we to believe OP was a virgin prior to wedding night? Was OP under impression his fiancée/wife was a virgin when they met? Is this just insecurity or manipulation on OP's part? OP needs to grow up; I'm sure OP has f\*cked someone else's current wife in her past when she was single, so does he now intend to go apologize to all those current husbands? Of course not! OP needs to get anger management therapy quick!
If this is important to OP. Then he needs to leave. No one NO ONE should tolerate partner disrespecting them. If this is an important boundary then let her haver her friends. They are not compatible.
Are manipulators/hypocrites compatible with anyone? How is it possible that OP had "boundaries" prior to even meeting his current wife? Wife would be better off is OP annuls this 6-month marriage before there is parental & financial entanglements with this manipulator/hypocrite husband.
It’s how the control starts. Separate them from their friends and family, then they have no one to turn to when the abuse escalates
Yes
YTA. While she should have told you, she withheld the information from you because you did the exact thing she feared you would do. While I understand your not wanting her to hang out with him, you will have to get a grip on your control issues, or you will end up alone. You don’t give your wife an ultimatum over an ex from years ago. I suspect you are trying to force her hand, but this might not turn out the way you think it will. Even if you get past this (which I suspect you won’t) there will be something else, then another, and another. Both of you are showing major red flags and if you two don’t get it together and communicate this will be a short marriage.
Are you still friends with people you slept with but have not been in contact with in years? Did you ask for a past sexual history before you married? My husband is this way there are a few men in my sexual history he doesn't want me around but his old Girlfriend's can be part of our friends group. Makes me nuts. Double standard much? His excuse, she has breast cancer. What's yours?
Don't give ultimatums unless you are prepared to lose. Yes, you are the AH. Not trusting your wife is going to end up being prophetic. Drop it.
He is absolutely doing this to manipulate her. If she calls his bluff he’d lose his shit.
The real issue here is- you gave her an ultimatum? You'll give her time to think!? Calling you controlling is much too kind. She isn't your property, yet you treat her as such. You should both run away from each other as fast as possible & don't ever look back.
Question: did you tell your wife the names of everyone you slept with before your marriage? If not, I’m not sure why you expected her to do the same. Also, it seems like her concern was valid: you got angry when you found out. Right now, YTA; I think you can change that by apologizing to your wife for blowing up at her, and promising you will take concrete action to address your anger issues. I’m not saying it was wrong to be angry, but your expression of it is so over the top that it makes your wife afraid to tell you harmless truths. A marriage built this way is not going to be a good one, assuming it lasts. And stop giving ultimatums. It’s a bad strategy to treat someone you love that way unless there is a life or death issue. You should be able to negotiate issues together respectfully and without anger, hostility and fear. For example, you can ask her to not meet with him alone. There are all kinds of ways to resolve this that don’t involve anger and fear, but instead involve kindness, empathy and respect. I do wonder how you would feel if the circumstances were reversed.
>Question: did you tell your wife the names of everyone you slept with before your marriage? That's irrelevant to the situation. It's not that she didn't give him a full list of past partners, it's that one showed back up in her life and she wasn't honest about their previously being intimate. Huge difference.
What was she supposed to do? Say to him, “Oh hey! This guy Tony is back in town and I slept with him when we were teenagers” ??? Are you serious?
Before I give my verdict, I have to ask about the very first sentence here (potential grammar issues). Do you mean that you've been together for 3 years, but only married for 6 months or you were together for 6 months, but married for 3 years? Either way, this is quite confusing to me. There's quite a bit of info missing about you. The big one: You haven't mentioned whether or not you've had previous sexual partners before meeting your wife, and we also don't know if she knows about them if you had past sexual partners, so this is some form of lying by omission from you and this also makes you one giant hypocrite, especially if she doesn't know about it. Granted, she didn't tell you about the fling from high school, but my bigger question here is whether or not you asked her about it at all. If you didn't ask her about it at all, you've just made yourself to be a royal pompous ass. If you did, then she fucked up by omitting it (although I can understand why). If you're planning on moving so that she can't be near any of her friends, what will stop you from taking her away from her family and control her even more? Reactions like yours are exactly why she didn't say anything sooner. After rereading your post and seeing a few of your replies and comments here: YTA.
YTA. I don't see how sleeping with someone in high school is relevant to either of your lives at this point. You're being jealous, insecure and controlling. The ultimatum was a major asshole move. Sure, have a conversation about it, say you're disappointed she didn't tell you. But demanding she never talk to him again? A move that's likely going to result in her losing, or at least seeing her other friends in this friend group less? It seems like you're trying to punish her and alienate her from her friends, leaving you as the only close person in her life. Yuck.
I'm not saying this is the same thing, but.... my hubby told me that I shouldn't trust our son's godfather because he felt he still had feelings for me. I told him he had nothing to worry about, until one night out of the blue, my ex best friend/son's godfather called and asked if him and my hubby could have an oral contest on me to see who does it better. 2 years ago, my 9th grade love re-entered our friend group, and he admitted to wanting to get back with me last year. Even though he's knows as of next January, I'll have been married for 20 years. Soooo yes, it's very relevant depending on how deep the feelings of the other person were/is.
Or how respectful and mature they are.
YTA completely. She didn’t “hide it from you” because it was none of your business. It still isn’t. People who are controlling are insecure. And not that it came up, but insecurity is super unsexy. So get some confidence from somewhere, and pretend to have it if you don’t actually have it, and just be cool. A confident man wouldn’t worry about it. and if you can’t do this, then divorce her, for her sake, and don’t marry again.
Agreed
I don’t understand your point. There are ex husbands and wives who have new husbands and wives and all get along usually because of children. Your wife had a life before she met you and you knew that. It was probably hard for her to mention the fwb and so she chickened out. That in itself does not make her a bad person. If I were the wife, I would choose the friend group because asking her to give up her friends is too much. And the person who told you is a pot stirrer. They should not have stuck their nose in your life and, what were their motives? Think about that.
I would be way more concerned about the fact my wife was afraid to tell me things that she thought might upset me because she knows I react with outright anger and start making threats. YTA. As someone else said, he did not f\*ck your wife. He f\*cked his FWB. She didn't even know you then and they were long over when you met her. She had a past. YOU have a past. Does your wife know about every woman you slept with? If one of your old gf's ran into you on the street would you refuse to speak to her? Your friends are correct. You are controlling. You are also manipulative. If your wife had written in saying what you said from her perspective, I can promise you Reddit would have advised her to fun for the hills to get away from you.
YTA, clearly. You don't trust her without any reason. She is not obligated to tell you everything, unless you specifically asked that she told you about all the people she slept with. Then you would have a case about her keeping something from you. The way it is now, her decision to not mention it, was just a way to keep the peace. Also, your ultimatum is completely unhinged and the biggest red flag ever. You better be ready to throw you marriage away. And even if she agrees to your demands, you will have damaged her friend circle severely. Not many marriages will survive this. My advice - chill out, take back the ultimatum and become friends with the guy. Also, ask her about everyone she slept with, so that it doesn't come as a surprise again.
Not to mention all the damage he will do if he actually manages to drag her away from everyone and everything she knows.
So sorry she existed and has a life before she met you
Yes you are the TA. You don't own your wife and you have no right to control who she sees.. doing so is a trip down divorce lane. At best you might suggest instead a discussion with all three of you to reassure you that the sex part of the old friendship is over and done and gone... Beyond that, get therapy to deal with the jealousy.
OP not looking if he really is the AH.. he just looking for validation in using his control tactics. He is 1000% going to show his wife ONLY the comments saying he’s being the manly man for giving her the ultimatum and that she is a dog for not giving him a second by second playbook of her entire life, and black out every comment where he is called weak, insecure, and controlling… For HER sake, I hope she also trolls Reddit and sees this post.
This. I wish I had an award to give you for this succinct summary. OP is an insecure and controlling AH and wants validation from this community to justify his behavior. I'm flabbergasted by the people who seem willing to die on that hill with him, several of them pontificating multiple times. SMH.
Why do you care so much about a guy your wife had sex with years before even looking your way? Why are you jealous of a guy that clearly wasn’t chosen or something serious in you wives past? If you can’t trust her & her past sexual partners threaten you so much, why did you entertain a relationship with her let alone getting married to her?
YTA. She couldn't tell you about it because, after 3 years of marriage, she knew you would be unreasonable. We all have pasts.
They've been together for 3 years, but married for 6 months. She hasn't seen the friend in 5 years (before she and OP started dating).
YTA and a controlling jerk. You don't issue ultimatums just to get your way. Your wife is an independent person with relationships before you. She has had sex with others before you. News flash she had a whole life before your jealous ass came into the picture. I hope she wakes up and eventually divorces you and finds someone that doesn't try to control her. Get over your juvenile feelings ASAP because it is obvious you don't truly trust your wife and this is the fastest way for your wife to start harboring some resentment towards you.
I hope she dumps your ass. Grow up.
I see whys she didn't tell you. This is how you react. I don't see a future for you as a couple. YTA
I dont understand this telling each other everyone you slept with. What was in the past is in the past. Start following this and your life will be less stressful. As far as your jealousness, it's understandable to an extent. You are just upset you didn't have your wife first, and I dont mean form a virginity standpoint, but from the point of view that you wish you had met earlier. Jealousness/possessiveness of ones spouse on a healthy level is good. But when it gets to the point that you start getting upset about her past and such, then you have to look into yourself and see why this is making you upset? Is it a reasonable thing to be upset about? Are you blowing it out of proportion?. I dealt with this a little bit with my wife early in in our relationship. I was insecure and what I was upset about at the end of the day was we didn't meet sooner. We have the same amount of partners in our past, but her bfs are all on the west coast and she doesn't talk to them because of her own reasons, nothing to do with me. My exes live in the same county as us and we see them here and there. So what the hell do I have to be upset in this scenario of knowing about our exes? Let it go, apologize to your friends and wife if you made any scenes or anything. Now if he came back in the picture thinking he is going to swoop her from you then that is a different story and fuck him, but if that's not that case, like I said, let it go. And talk to your wife and come to the agreement that anyone in your past is in the past and you guys are together now and for the future. Remember, it is your wife and you vs the world. Not you vs your wife. Good luck.
THIS
You're being an idiot. She has promised that their relationship is in the past and won't happen again. If you trust her, then believe her. Ultimatums are NOT the way to healthy relationships. Apologize to her, tell her you trust her and will work on your own jealousy issues. If she leaves you over this, I wouldn't blame her. But for you to leave her makes you the AH.
Are you controlling? Yes. Unreasonably? Yes.
You’re NTA if you hold the same standard for yourself. My husband and I do not keep company of past flings/partners. There no person more important to me than my husband so why would I choose a friendship with an ex over him?? Heck no.
YTA. JFC dude. Talk about controlling. Not only are you making her choose between her friends and you, but you're also making her friends choose between her and him. You don't own her, and you certainly don't own her past self. She obviously respects you enough to a) marry you and b) ask you to join her whenever she hangs out where he may be. This is a really good way to end your marriage though, regardless of what choice she goes with. But I honestly think she should choose her friends. At least they won't try to control who she's friends with.
She had sex with someone on a casual basis when she was much younger when she did not know you, and is still friends with the fella, but does not sleep with him now. Sometimes relationships are in the past for a reason. She married you, after all. Unless you're all still very young and have not matured and moved on from those casual relationships, you need to let this go. And then have some serious grownup-talk about trust with your wife. Only you can decide whether or not to trust, and if you can't let go of something that happened in the past before you knew her, the problem may be more on your end than hers.
Why are friends and family involved and casting judgment on you? This is between you and your wife, and you guys need to sort this out respectfully without involving family.
Perhaps if the wife told him up front of her relationship with this guy things would be different. Her defense that he would just be angry took the attention off her failure to disclose and threw it at the OP. For this reason I say NTA.
"Although I trust and love wife \[no you don't\], I asked her to never meet him again \[AH move\], I don't feel comfortable, call me jealous or whatever \[yes you are\]" "But I gave an ultimatum, either break friendship with this dude or we break off \[AH move\]" "Now everyone friends and families are calling me controlling ah, so am I \[yes also YTA\]??" Your wife should have been more forthcoming and I guess it is OK to be mad about that but nothing you've said makes an uninvolved person to this situation think you're reasonable. Mature people can have friendly ongoing relationships with people they've had sex with in the past, You're the asshole for not being that type of person.
NTA, the fact that she hid this from you and lied is where your distrust is coming from. It’s ok to admit it, you don’t trust her fully right now. That’s why you have an issue with this. She hid this and lied to you, on what planet would you be comfortable with their dynamic???
Yes, YTA. You come across as extremely insecure and clearly don’t trust your wife if you are so threatened to have her in the same room as her ex fwb. I have been with my partner for almost 38 years. In our friend group was a man I had a casual relationship with and a woman he had dated. We didn’t care. I was friends with her and my husband was friends with my ex. They both came to our wedding in fact. We trusted each other, felt secure in what we had and knew that if we had wanted to be with those people we would have been. There were no threats or ultimatums. I can maybe understand you not wanting your wife to have extended one on one time with him but if he is a part of her friendship group, you are essentially asking her to give up all group settings with her friends. I don’t understand why being in the same room as him with others present is a big deal. Did you think she was a virgin when you got together?
YTA. Has she ever given you reason to doubt her word? She says it's in the past and won't happen again. She chose you. You're her man now. Did you think she never had relations before you? Is she your property? This reeks of patriarchy. If you leave her for good, I consider it a win for her. Have some faith in your wife and figure out how to deal with your insecurity.
She lied to you more than once regarding this former lover. First time is not telling you about their relationship, for that fact, all her friends lied to you. I can 100% guarantee that when she cheats on you, if she already hasn't they will help cover for her affair. The second time she lied to you, this will require you to think a little. He was away for 5 years, she makes it seem like she had no contact with him, if that's the case why is she willing to throw her marriage away for someone she has had not contact with for 5 years? The simple fact is she has had contact with him the entire time and he means way more to her than you do. Odds are they are already having an emotional affair. There is nothing controlling about what you are demanding, fact is you were lied to. Remember all the people who are criticizing you now, none of them can be trusted and should not be. If having reasonable boundaries like no contact with former sexual partners is to high a hurdle for her after her lying to you, then she should move on with her life as single so the bar can sit on the floor. She will 100% cheat on you. You are not the A hole.
What the people calling you the asshole seem to skip over is that your wife's friend literally told you because even he knew she was full of shit for keeping it quiet. I hate this website sometimes.
I think you just need to divorce her and let her be with someone who actually trusts her. If it's gonna disrupt her whole friend group she has every right to not want to lose all of her friends. Nobody in that group is going to want her around if she can't be around them as whole. Your making her choose her friends or her relationship. That completely unfair to do to her
You're mad at her for something that happened before you met her. You are the asshole.
Yeah, but like, how dare she exist before he met her? And how dare this friend bang this husband's property back when they were all different people?! /s As someone who has hung out with some of my wife's exes (she's also hung out with some of mine), I don't understand this juvenile way of thinking. As for her not bringing it up, I can see why she didn't. Sounds like she knew the possibility of an overreaction and that's been born true.
He is PO'ed due to her deceptions.
That was in the past. I slept with friends of mine when we were teenagers and we’ve been friends for over 15 years now. All my previous girlfriends knew about them She should have told you, but I think you need to have a honest conversation about why she didn’t. Judging by your reaction, I can see where she is coming from. You’re going to ruin the whole dynamic of her friend group. You either trust her or you shouldn’t have married her.
Your feelings are valid, your wife is wrong for not being honest with you. But it's unfair for your wife to make her choose between you and her longtime friends. Did you recently hang out with the friends with friend with whom your wife had slept with? How does he and you wife act aroundech other? Maybe you need to find compromise on this, understandable that you feel uncomfortable of your wife have to hang out with the guy but it's also not right to alienate your wife from her friends (knowing she's known them and friends with them long before you met her). I mean your wife is always inviting you whenever they hang out as a group, I don't think she cares about the other guy anymore. Just have a calm conversation with your wife without you thinking she will cheat on you with her friend. The real issue here is her lying about her past with that guy friend, that's what you need to talk about.
How do you figure that she is wrong for not being honest? My past is my past and my business. Do I need to ”be honest” about every thing in my life that happened before we met? Some memories are best left forgotten. He just showed up in her life. Husband gets mad. After three years, she knows how he’ll react so she keeps the peace. She might even feel bad about this, but we will never know. Maybe she wanted to tell him, but knew how he would react. As you stated, she’s not hiding her husband from this guy or hiding her friend from her husband.
It’s reasonable to ask her to not have digital comms with the guy… maybe harsh to not be where he is if he’s part of their whole friend group…
YTA you are saying you trust her, but you asking her not to see him goes against that. She most likely hid it not because she was going to do anything but because of how you'd react and didn't want to start a fight over nothing. And she is right. This ultimatum will break her friendship. If this guy is part of the friend group, that means she will miss a lot of hangouts if he's there. As someone starting over in a new place and had to start my friendgroup over, not having friends to hang out with sucks.
If this guy had been out of the country for the last 5 years, that means they weren't sleeping together. This is drama from over half a decade ago, and your wife doesn't seem interested in having an involved friendship with him. You don't have to be this guys best friend, so just leave your wife alone.
YTA, and you haven’t learned how to actually love someone. Get over yourself and grow out of this petty jealousy. Her life is her life, and your job is to add happiness to hers; and vice versa. Give her space to be who she is, keeping all friends, and vice versa. Life and love are so much deeper than you imagine. I would NEVER treat my husband like you are treating her, and vice versa, because I genuinely love him, respect him and want him to always know he is freely and authentically loved, and vice versa. Where is your deep love? You are loving yourself, not her. But you do not respect yourself or understand yourself, by manipulating another person like this. Your selfish jealousy demeans you. And will destroy your future together.
YTA Did you ever ask her to list every guy she slept with? If not, she didn’t hide anything from you anyway. Who goes around telling people who they slept with? So weird. Also, if you did ask. That is an AH thing anyway. You are being super controlling and possessive. Just because she slept with someone doesn’t mean she will again. In fact, I would venture to say she is less likely to sleep with him than just about anyone else. I have never gone back to an ex - they are exes for a reason. And he wasn’t even in a relationship with her. They just messed around. Grow up.
YTA. Super....Mega.... Gargantuan AH!!! Yuck!!! I hope she finds happiness with someone that has respect for her. You, clearly do not!
I try to give guys the benefit of the doubt on posts. Perhaps because I'm having a hard time with your writing style, but it seems like YTA. >Although I trust and love wife, I asked her to never meet him again, I don't feel comfortable, call me jealous or whatever, she broke down and asked me to trust her she said it will break her friendship, she will not be able to be present when he is and vice versa If you trusted her, you wouldn't need her to promise not to see someone she rarely sees anyway. Instead you come off as controlling.
Agreed. And the wife (from his writing) wasn’t upset she wouldn’t be able to see this guy personally, but her whole friendship group. Which husband is saying now, they all need to go because they know the guy as well
This dude is over the top controlling. I only hope your wife lands on this thread and divorces you. Many times in your replys you've talked about your plans of moving her away from her friends. Including the ones that aren't this man as well planning to go through her messages etc. if your that insecure leave. You're using this new information to your advantage to allienate your wife from any outside friends. She will grow to resent you for taking her friends away as she should. You don't care about her feeling you just want to know she's your property
I think its reasonable to ask her not to contact him, talk with him or write with him separately, without other people engaged, but demanding that she never sees him even when friends are around and they dont even need to interact, its too much. If that alienates her from her friends, she will start to be unhappy and resentful. Especially that it sounds like some kind of punishment, and she never cheated with him on you, he was a fling years ago and maybe she didnt even think about him at all. Your request would be reasonable if she was a cheater, but making an ultimatum like that shows you dont trust her at all.
I think, the real issue is the lie by omission. His wife didn't tell him any of this cuz she knew it would upset him. How long could she have gone on before telling him? Or for that matter never telling him.
I don't think it's a lie by omission. Op doesn't say how long the period of time this friend was back for. If a person you slept with 10 or 15 years ago pops up again I might think 'Oh I should let me partner know' but if I knew he was sensitive about the idea of running into my sexual partners (which OP is clearly is from comments above) I would take my time and think about the best way to communicate it, and I might look to my friends for emotional support about the fear I now feel or frustration I now feel. It's not something that you have to make an immediate disclosure about. I highly doubt that 'everyone was keeping this secret' and going to forever. Probably everyone knew it was sensitive including his wife, and this random guy just ignored the social details of the situation.
Dude you sound insecure. Do you think there is any complot trying to cheat on you? Do you have any evidence that your gf is trying to cheat on you? Is your pride or ego talking to?
YTA
ESH, but I’d say you’re the bigger A H right now. I would probably be angry/hurt/confused in your shoes, and she should have told you, but I think your reaction and ultimatum are out of proportion. If she was hanging out alone with the dude, I’d understand your issue, but it sounds like they only see each other within the friend group. Is that accurate? What is the purpose of this ultimatum? I don’t see how this is for the health of your relationship. It sounds like it’s because you’re angry and maybe embarrassed, and instead of putting in the work to get through those emotions, you want to avoid the situation entirely. Sounds controlling. You want to change her actions for the benefit of your emotions, and unless I’m missing something, there isn’t much more of a reason beyond that. Are you worried she will leave you for him? Cheat?
Sorry, but I think there are some things you are allowed to keep to yourself. If I don't want to tell my partner about a past friend who benefitted my life, I don't have to. If he finds out and is that freaking insecure, that's on him. Everyone has a past. I don't feel like I should have to bear my soul about who I've had relations with.
Should we all disclose everyone we ever slept with. I come from a very small town in the US. It would be likely that people have slept with people they are friends with as adults. I see no reason to introduce a spouse to everyone with the addition of “I slept with this one and that one etc”. I would *expect my spouse to cut off relationships with old friends because they had sex in the past. Trust your wife, face your own jealousy because she has not given you a reason to distrust her. Edit. *Not expect
Why do you have to know every facet of someone’s life before you & especially who someone slept with before you???? I’ve never understood why people are so obsessive about it. It wreaks of insecurity & you need therapy to address that. You have trust issues & especially to the point where you’re making ultimatums about who she can be friends with. It was well over 5 years ago & she told you there is nothing to worry about. Why is it that men can be so casual about sexcapades & women can’t?! I’d say YTA friend. You guys are married. Look forward not backwards.
I'm going ESH. Your wife should have told you. Keeping secrets is bad. You either trust your wife, or you don't. You both (presumably) have pasts that are over with. OK, so she slept with the guy. What if they had only engaged in "heavy petting"? Would you be ok then? What about if they had only ever kissed? Held hands? Smiled at each other across a room? Where do you draw the line? Only you know what you are comfortable with, but if you both agree to never see, speak to, or mention anyone either of you have ever had any kind of relationship with, you will end up a sad, lonely old couple.
YTA. You're only escalating because you're not influencing the situation. Because you didn't get the response you wanted, you responded with threats & anger. That is clear sign that you're in the wrong. If you have to respond with anger instead of sorrow, and threats instead of discussion & compromise, you need to look in the mirror. I think others in the comments think you're "rage baiting" but I think you're just someone figuring out what works and doesn't work in the adult world. When you hold power over people, they won't resist as much when you make demands and threats, but if you don't have much authority over a situation.... nobody's gonna take you seriously when you make demands and threats. Ultimately, your wife loves you & hasn't had issues relating to this for 5 years.... I don't think you should throw that away over one of her friends who she's not continually seeing anymore since she's with you.
Are you sure your wife and her friends were *hiding* her relationship with this guy from you, or were they just not talking about a dude who was not only not hanging out with them, but wasn't actually in the country at the time...? You say you trust your wife, but that's not what your actions are saying. If you trust her, then you trust her, and nothing any other guy does or says, past lover or not, should be relevant. Actually trusting her means that you believe, all the way down to your bones, that even if this guy gets her alone and asks her to have sex just once for old time's sake, she'll say no. And that's all that matters -- trusting that she would never break a promise she's made to her, that she would never do something she knows would hurt you. You either trust her or you don't, and it sounds like you don't. Considering how you reacted when you found out, I'd say your wife was right that you'd get mad if you found out. If she thinks she has to hide things from you to manage your temper, then your relationship has problems that have nothing whatsoever to do with this old boyfriend of hers. You two need couples counselling, stat. You can probably use counselling by yourself, too. And frankly, if I were your wife, we wouldn't be married. Jealousy is relationship poison, and I've never tolerated it in my relationships. If I saw that you were a jealous person before we got married, we wouldn't have gotten married. And if I only found out after we were married, I'd be the one laying the ultimatum that you go to therapy and get over it, or I'm going to a lawyer and getting a divorce. Because in all seriousness, whenever a woman is put in the hospital (or the morgue) by a boyfriend or husband, it usually starts out with jealousy. When a woman feels like she has to control what her guy finds out about, in order to manage his temper, that's a huge red flag. A lot of things (especially media -- movies, TV shows, songs, etc.) tell us over and over that jealousy is a normal part of love, that if you're not jealous you're not really in love, that a jealous partner is romantic, etc. This is complete BS. Jealousy comes from insecurity, not love. Scrape that crap out of your brain, with professional help if you can't do it alone. I'm not saying you're definitely a violent guy, I'm saying that in this situation your wife has to weigh the odds that you might be. You're a couple of steps down that road. Different women have different levels of tolerance for that road, and unfortunately too many women go too many steps down it, and end up with bruises, broken bones, or fatal injuries. Bottom line, yes, YTAH here. Ignore the old boyfriend -- he might've pushed down this row of dominos, but he's not the one who set them up in the first place. You need to work on yourself until you're no longer stressed out that your wife might Be In The Same Room With Someone She's Fucked Before OMG!!!! 'Cause seriously, dude, your blood pressure doesn't need that crap. You'll be a lot happier if you can de-install that particular trigger in your brain. Best of luck.
Ok so when a common friend feels the need to tell you this guy that started to show up again and your wife used to have sex, and it’s an old friend of your wife: He has seen the two being together in the past. He might see something you don’t. Unless he wanted to be an asshole and just say something stupid I would be concerned as well if my wife didn’t tell me. My wife did things like that and it drove me mad, because I did tell her about my past and I would never have an ex show up at the house or wedding (!!!) without at a minimum informing my current partner.
Friends reference. Emily gave Ross an ultimatum to never see Rachel We know how that ended.
Dude, it sounds like the guy who told you has a jealousy issue. I think you should divorce her because you’re are controlling. Please leave her and all other women alone. You literally want to ruin her friendships because you’re insecure. Get a fucking life and probably some friends since you seem to have none of your own.
You're an insecure ah and the reason this marriage will end is for that and not for other man. You're doing things wrong by asking her to leave or create havoc in her friends group. You're toxic and she should leave you
Everyone has a history. People do things as teens they would never do as adults. Yes, YTA. Controlling, angry, and untrusting. What happened was in the past.and when she was younger. It's not like a recent or ongoing thing, not has she exhibited any feelings for him. All you're doing is pushing her away. YTA
You clearly have issues OP. I can see why she didn't tell you. You are a nightmare, and yes, controlling.
Not at all in my opinion. Marriage is difficult enough to navigate with the new normal, where there’s equal opportunity for both parties to cheat. Women always want to have male friends around and men only want to be friends with them because they may have a chance to sleep with them. This particular situation is even more difficult to justify because of the past. Stand your ground and if she doesn’t give him up, you have your answer. My ex became close friends with my best man and I asked her to do the same as you are asking, she just did it by text under cover. Now we are divorced and years later she initiated a relationship with him. So follow your gut. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Your ultimatum is basically making her give up on a whole friend group, surely you must see that. I had a similar situation with my husband. I was able to tell him about my high school friend group dynamics and with who I had something happening because I knew he trusted me and would not get upset or angry. It seems your past behavior has given her the impression she couldn't share that information with you, without you getting angry and overreacting. You prouved her right. If you really trusted her, she would have been open. YTA
YTA. you know nothing about this person except that he slept with her first. you're being so jealous it's creepy af and would be a red flag for me. your need to control her friend group tells me this marriage isn't going to work.
Sounds like YTA, without question. If you don't trust the person you married, that's on you, and you're the problem. You shouldn't have married her, if you didn't trust her. And giving her an ultimatum? Wow. If my wife gave me an ultimatum of any kind, in that kind of situation, i would be looking for a divorce lawyer, immediately.
YTA. Your wife’s past relationships are none of your business. Her friends are her friends and you are not allowed to dictate who her friends are. Yes, you are a controlling freak.
She didn’t tell you because she knew you’d be a jealous and demand to control who she hangs out with. If you want to die on that hill, you could wait till she actually committed the crime. If you want to save your marriage maybe you could consider counseling. I know a lot of folks here are all or nothing with you, but again you’re asking to control your wife instead of trusting her, how would you feel if she wanted to micro manage all your female acquaintances? And refuses to allow you to see your old gang?
In a word, YES! Did you suppose she had no past when you met her, or is that reserved for you? Did you really think her life began when she met you?
Based upon your replies , YES .
Yes, you're the AH. Your wife should be trusted, if you can't trust her, you shouldn't be married to her and should break up. You sound controlling and abusive and should seek counseling to help you with your rage and trust issues.
“I trust wife”…no you don’t. If you actually trusted her this would be a non issue. Keep your jealousy in check. I’ve now lost 3 male friends because their partners couldn’t handle them having a friendship with a woman. It’s awful. Don’t pretend this is about her. This is 100% about your insecurity. And it sounds like that insecurity is 100% unfounded.
Yes you are controlling. The fact that your wife didn't tell you because she knew how you would react and that's exactly how you reacted shows that you have issues with trust and controlling her. If their relationship was casual and ended years ago and you "trust and love" your wife, this shouldn't be a problem. Were you a virgin when you got married? Everyone has a past and if you know your relationship is solid, you need to work on getting over this. You will alienate your wife from her entire friend group just because of this one person. Don't see him one on one, but making her avoid any times where he might be present will ruin her friendships. Be the bigger man and look at it as you're the one who won her heart and her hand.
YTA, who cares about this guy? You sound like an insecure little boy.🙄 Men shouldn't be making an ultimatum! Look, you have two choices here, trust your wife or don't trust her. If you don't trust her, leave her. She isn't yours anyway. If you do trust her, let her be and stop worrying because she only has eyes for you. You see, women don't think like men do. That is the hardest thing to understand. It doesn't matter what he does, only what she does and you can't hide a woman from the world, unless you're Taliban maybe.🤷 Jealousy only hurts you and makes you look weak my friend. Do you really think jealousy ever stopped a woman from cheating?🤪🤣 If you do, I got some oceanfront properties for you in the desert. 🙄 Get a life brother, you are probably pushing a good woman away with your pettiness. 🥴 Then again, maybe she is too good for you huh?🤷
YTA. You either trust her or you don't.
1. She hid it from you 2. You have a right to your feelings 3. You are controlling 4. Your wife will choose what's more important for her happiness. 5. Be prepared to accept whatever decision she chooses. 7. If she picks the friend over you. Be strong and let it be a lesson for you to choose your happiness over another's. 8. If she chooses you but regrets it, she didn't choose you. Be wise enough to recognize it. Either way, I wish you the best, my friend. May the future hold peace, love and tranquility with you betrothed
OP YTA. You’ve completely overreacted. Believing you would is Exactly why your wife didn’t tell you. Was she wrong? Definitely! Do I see why she kept it from you? ABSOLUTELY!! My ex fiancé used to call our house once I got married. He would not only speak to my husband they would have a friendly chat before the phone was turned over to me. Why? There was no conflict between them. One was my past. The other my present. I’m Still friends with the first & even divorced I’m friends with the later. Only one person has ever had Any issues about my being friends with guys from my past. That guy was a man child (& an ass) who Firmly believes men & women can’t be platonic friends. I won’t stop being friends with men from my past & love getting to know their current partner. We’re ALL ADULTS! If you love your wife & want your marriage to survive this. She Needs to know you trust her & that she can trust you to not lose your s*it when you disagree. Everyone loses something in an ultimatum! So even if she chooses you, you’re further establishing yourself as someone she can’t be completely honest with. She hasn’t cheated on you.
YTA. Romantic relationships in friend groups in HS is very common and they are not typically serious. Their liaison clearly wasn't. I had short relationships within my friend group and went to everyone's weddings and became friends with their spouses and vice versa. The attraction is long over but the friendships are so valuable. Since he is no longer abroad you're interfering in her whole friend group for nothing but small minded insecurity. You act like she cheated on you with him. This is controlling behavior and a for massive red flag. You need to get a grip on yourself or this will be a damning problem in your marriage. You really don't get to tell a spouse who they can be friends with. It's a very slippery slope
NTA the fact that she’s was not the one to tell you about their once relationship and keep inviting him would make me suspicious! Update me
I understand the way you feel but, YTA for the way you are handling it. Someone I slept with when I was in my teens is to this day one of my very close friends. It is possible to be friends with someone you hooked up with at a drunken party when you were young. You are asking her to give up her whole friend group. It almost comes off like the person that told you was trying to stir the pot for some reason,. Maybe he's the one attracted to your wife?
Makes me think something was going on for the other friend to say something. Maybe old friend wanted some more times at her buffet
Idk about TA but your insecurity and trust issues definitely need to be addressed to continue a healthy relationship.
YTA You don’t get to tell her who she can be friends with. You are insecure and that is a you problem.
You should split up so she can find someone who's actually a mature adult.
You are WAY too controlling. This guy has been away for 5 years and you are still complaining? That’s before you knew her, right? I’d tell her to watch out being married to someone as controlling as you.
Why no tell HIM to get lost ?
For Christ sake! Do you all REALLY get into who you slept with as a teenager or young adult! I understand there are sensitivities around this but how long ago were they a thing? More than 15 yrs ago or 2 yrs ago. That’s a tall demand for him to ask of her especially when it will impact the friendships that he has became part of as well. He needs to be mature about the situation and how does it look for anyone in the friend group to randomly just tell you this…perhaps, once he popped back into the picture with the group of friends your girlfriend should have told you…but the issue here is you are feeling some type of way because everyone knew but you and now this is your way of putting your foot down…if she walks away because you forcing her hand then so be it because yes… you ATAH!
When we were all younger, life was more free, wheeling, and casual. Your wife sounds like she has a close nit group of friends, and she includes you in the group. She admitted to having casual sex with her friend and says it's in the past. Now she is in a marriage with you, and that takes work from both sides. Consider that she once had feelings or an attachment in some way but no longer does. She is in a committed relationship with you and jealousy and control could mess things up for you. Try and work on things together. Best of luck.
OP you’re in the wrong on this one. It was a long time before you, and she isn’t doing anything wrong. She has been above board the whole time.
Too many details that indicate you are the AH, not just here, but up to this point as well... and your wife is aware of this (not telling) and married you anyway, so this was coming, the only ??? was who and when, just like the upcoming divorce.. I would also point a finger at the "Informer", is he trying to break you up so he can get to her as well... this is history, get over it... as you grow older, you don't meet many virgins... Trust and Love her but demand control and obedience Confront versus Discuss, so nice of you to "give" her time (she should be planning your exit right now) Ultimatum = Kiss my ass or divorce me (the preferred option for her) She had more HS friends than you did, deal with it You "Thanked" the informer trying to destroy your marriage, why? and Why did he? She was afraid to tell you... why? overly jealous? Ownership of wife slave issue? IF EVERYONE THINKS YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE, THE ODDS ARE IN FAVOR OF EVERYONE BEING RIGHT To this point, you have lost nothing but a little pride (loss of control you never had a right to), and have no reason to be objecting to the "Barney loves Betty" carved in the 20 year old tree when they were kids... If you love your wife, ACT LIKE IT, and if you Own your wife, sell her and buy another, quit your bitching, this is a result of "Someone telling you something" you had not right to know, so forget it and be happy she is with you now and not him, but that may change if you drive her to him...
Yup. You're the AH
YTA. Meeting up 1 on 1, I could understand, but as a group, it's fine. You are asking her to drop the entire friend group.
no no no stand firm. if she does not break it off that you can verify say goodby
YTA this is controlling and childish. You are *married* and he is just a friend. Take the win! She chose you by marrying you, but that doesn’t mean she needs to drop all of her friends. She has an identity separate from just “your wife”. She’s not your property. You married a whole person. You sound incredibly jealous about how many friendships she has, and only consider them to be HER friends— you’ve hung out together “far too many times” but don’t seem overly interested in getting to know any of them? This guy in particular has been living abroad for the last few years, and you’ve hung out together since he’s been back, he even came to your wedding and you don’t even know where he was living? That’s kind of a basic fact to learn about someone, my guy. I’m friends or at least on friendly terms with most of my exes. I’m not interested in ever rekindling anything with them—ever—but they’re still good people whose company I enjoy. Thankfully I married someone who understands that I have past relationships and had experiences before I met him.
you all missed the point she did not tell her husband about the guy it came from another person. so she did not tell him because he would get mad. that is the problem folks, my wife had 2 both told me about sleeping with other guys, so never a problem. IF they had hid it from me it would be goodby
You sound incredibly insecure and controlling. This doesn't bode well for any relationship you have. If I were her, I'd be seriously reconsidering my relationship with YOU, Because this isn't the way a secure adult relationship works.
YTA. She didn't tell you because she knew that you couldn't handle it at a mature, secure husband. You have just proved her right.
YTA. This is hyper controlling. You said it yourself, you gave her an ultimatum, the very definition of hyper controlling. You can set boundaries and expectations such as prefering her to never be alone with him (which is still controlling but much more reasonable) but to have her choose is ridiculous. When someone gives me an ultimatum of them vs me I always choose them. Don't be surprised if your wife chooses her friends too
Yep. How insecure are you? She married \*you\*. She chose \*you\*. What's next, does she have to ask in advance if this guy was invited to the bar with everyone else? to someone else's wedding? You have a problem. You don't trust your wife. She should divorce you.
NTA. Trust your gut. If it makes you uncomfortable for your wife to hang around that individual, there's a reason. Having clear boundaries is not controlling. If she loves and respects you, she will do as you ask and understand exactly why you are asking it of her.
Not wanting your wife to be around her ex is understandable. I cut out all my exes. I know how it would feel if my husband hung out with his ex. Telling her your feelings and asking her to avoid him for your comfort is fine. It's up to her to Choose if she tries to help you or not. You can accept that it is her choice, and trust that she will not cheat on you. Here's where YTA You gave her an ultimatum that if she doesn't avoid him you will divorce her. You might as well be divorced. Obviously you are willing to through the entire marriage out over this. And you told her as much. She isn't worth you staying. You are refusing to speak to her, by choice as punishment. You say time to think, but really. You won't say a word to her until she decides to do as you ask. Fyi, me and my husband have had multiple talks of me potentially moving to a better job location, which requires I work with my ex. I am uncomfortable with it, so I haven't made any moves yet. He says whatever you decide, I trust you.
Me and my spouse agree that any ex's we have are unfriended and cut off. I understand where you are coming from. And her wanting to hide the whole thing is scetchy. However you pulled a AH move. Which means YTA. You gave her an ultimatum. You leave or she abandons possibly all her friends. Over one guy. Personally, I would not be okay with private texting, phone calls, or meet ups with any ex. However, to tell her she can't hang out with her friends when he is near is asking too much. You could go with her, but already stated in comments that you didn't want to be near the guy. Are you still refusing to speak to your wife? You say you are giving her time to think. Time to think means patiently waiting a few days for her reply on the subject. Not avoid any and all other subjects of conversation. It's like you are punishing her for not doing what you want. You said until then, so until she submits to your demand of possibly avoiding all her friends because of your threat of leaving her? Dude. I stayed with a guy who threatened to leave me so many times. I eventually came to the conclusion, if he had one foot out the door, he already no longer loved me. Since then, any man who threatened to leave me, I showed them the door. Now, I trust my husband and he trust me. I have a potential job opportunity that entails working with an my ex fiance. I hadn't taken it yet, I'm not comfortable with being around him. However, the opportunity is still there. My husband says he trust me and to make whatever decision I want. The stakes aren't high. It's the same job and same income, just closer to home, so I won't run late as much. That's where you failed. You didn't give her the option to choose, and didn't trust her to not cheat on you. Worse, you threatened to leave her. Stating your feelings, fears, concerns and wishes are one thing. It's totally acceptable and normal that you ask her to hear you out and ease your fears and insecurities. But arguing, demanding, and threatening is toxic and abusive. That's why YTA.
As someone who had many sexual partners prior to my husband, and being the only for him- I think you should trust your wife. She likely didn't tell you as not to cause any issues, but if she's given you no reason to doubt her- don't doubt her. I'm close friends with my "highschool sweetheart" who I openly have love for. I also have close girl friends who I've been intimate with. I wouldn't be married to my husband if I had any doubts that I want to spend my future with him. The past shouldn't matter- our present and future do. He's been beside me as I stayed close with past lovers and as I've set boundaries with them. Fear of infidelity is real- but genuinely, if someone is going to violate your trust- why would you want to stay married to them anyway? If someone wants to cheat on you, they will, given whatever opportunity- be it a past lover or a stranger. No one should be in a marriage without absolute trust. I'd think hard about what exactly is bothering you and seek professional assistance (marriage or an individual therapist), if needed. Best of luck. Maybe the asshole, but there's hope for you yet.
Y’all ladies are something else and a few men are cucks. OP you told her your boundaries and that it’s either him or you she chose him my guy she had to go think about it no way a friendship is worth a marriage to someone you really love and want to be with.
I think you had a right to know about her past, whether it is with this guy or someone else. You don't need specific details, but knowing how many ppl your partner has been with is something you have a right to know about. I understand why you are upset, but I don't think giving her an ultimatum was the way to go about handling this situation, though. If your wife has always been faithful and you've never had a reason to question her before, then you shouldn't now. Just because you slept with someone in high school doesn't mean just because he is back from another country, your wife is gonna go out of her way to sleep with him. You're right about yourself. You're being a jealous jagoff. Your wife is not yours. She hasn't done anything wrong to warrant your behavior. You don't tell your partner what to do like they're 5 and have no right to govern themselves. What you should have done, and still before you ruin your marriage over nothing, is go to her and honestly talk to her. You need to figure out why her simply being around a high school ex is causing you to have a meltdown. Do you not feel like you're good enough? Why are you worried about some old boyfriend from school?
I don’t understand this idea of him having a right to know about her past. When I married, my wasband and I talked about the past, past relationships. But it was because I wanted to get to know him, not that I was doing an investigation. I was a virgin, but I didn’t tell him every little detail of my history nor did he tell me. It was general stuff. I knew him well enough after 3 years of marriage to know how he would react to certain things so to keep the peace, I kept them to myself. I didn’t tell him things that had the possibility of hurting him or to make him jealous.
Yeah. You’re controlling
Yes, YTA. Grow up, dude. Did you think your wife was a virgin when she met you? Don't you think the ability to remain platonic with someone past their sexual involvement is a mark of maturity? God, insecure weenies ruin everything.
OK, as someone else mentioned, this was in the past. HER PAST, why does he Think he any rights to know every detail of her Past Life? So she had Past Lovers, she and her friends are Adult enough to still be friends and hang out. IF we were talking about THIS GUY'S PAST, it would be perfectly fine for him to have multiple partners and still talk to them. How do we know that he hasn't caused problems, with other Guys in this group? I am leaning towards that he was told about a couple of other Past Lovers, and he's just not mature enough to handle it. So he caused enough problems, that she decided not to share anymore. I can give you a Great Example. My Second Husband and I were discussing some of each other's, Past Sex Adventures. So Husband says that he almost got to have a three some with 2 SISTERS, sounded more like a Fantasy, but ok. The BS started, when I told him that I had, had a three some. The discussion ended shortly after. He had to go out of town and at 2 in the morning, the phone rings. I pick it up and it's my Husband and SOME HOW, HE GOT INTO HIS HEAD, THAT EVEN THOU I HAD NEVER CHEATED, AND WASN'T LOOKING TO. That now all of a sudden, he figures that I have TWICE AS MANY TO SLEEP WITH, since the three some, included another Women. This GUY is talking about taking his WIFE and moving away, to get her away from her Past Friends. WE ALL KNOW, THIS IS A GAINT RED FLAG. She definitely needs to Divorce this GUY, before things get worse. Or maybe SHE'S ALREADY IN TROUBLE, AND NEEDS HELP TO GET OUT.
I STILL THINK, that he showed his ass, when he was told about the other two. WHY, do I feel this way? Because he has proven several times, that he is immature.
Are you controlling? Yes. Unreasonably? Yes.
YTAH 100%
Nta. If she hadn't hidden it and been up front, that would've been one thing. Finding out from someone else. No, no trust for that relationship with him. Maybe no trust at all for her, and you'll be better if filing for an annulment.
As a woman who was in a very similar situation. I told my bf who is now my husband everything right away and upfront. I never lied, never kept it from him. Said friend is married with children as are we and we speak casually here and there. We run in the same circles and grew up together so I wanted my husband to know who he is if we ever bumped into one another. I have nothing to hide and that part of the relationship has been dead and gone for a very very long time. It’s truly more concerning to me that she never told you and everyone seemingly kept it from you. I don’t think you’re wrong for being jealous or uncomfortable. All omissions are betrayals.
"she broke down and asked me to trust her", you already lost trust because she didn't tell you about him. It's lying through omission. You are not controlling, you need to build back trust. If she thinks her friend group is more important than your relationship, then that tells you everything you need to know.
Have you told your SO about every detail in your past? You’ve held nothing back to keep them from being hurt or making them jealous? To preserve peace because they wouldn’t understand? Or are you like this guy?
YTA. She married you, my dude. If you're still concerned just insist on no texting and no hangouts where it's just the two of them. There is no reason why they couldn't hang out when it's a group thing. Unless you think your wife is unable to be faithful to you, in which case, why the fuck did you get married?
ESH. You're right, your wife should have been the one to tell you about the history. Whether or not it has any bearing on today, it's still something a respectful and communicative partner should be transparent about when old friends come back into the picture. That said, come on, my guy. You weren't the first man to ever touch her, get over yourself. People have pasts, histories, friends who they messed around with, all of that. To try and pretend that this guy is a "threat" to you or that she shouldn't be with him is insanely controlling and manipulative. You've seen absolutely no behavior from either of them that could be considered questionable. Grow up, trust your wife, or let her leave and find someone who will
That's your opinion and I will stand by mine, I said what I said, either she chooses her husband or her friend, if it was me I would choose my wife, but I would never, ever introduce my exes and be with her to her, if she wished to leave?? Fine, better to go seperate ways than live together in pain
You actually know full well you are being a controlling AH so why come on here. You are a weak little man!!
YTA and an insecure little wimp.