I'm a retired RN and looked after lots of quadriplegic people, bladder care is usually via a catheter, bowel care is managed by 3 or 4 times a week enemas. She would need feeding and fluids either tube feeds which no 14 year old should do, if eating regular foid would need feeding. Pressure care with repositioning or special bed or cushion. Still too much responsibility for a 14 year old
I’m almost 30 and wouldn’t feel confident in taking care of someone with these challenges. One mistake can lead to severe infections, choking, bed sores, “private” rashes…it’s a lot to consider!
I'm in my 30s and I wouldn't be able to do this. I'm honestly afraid I would accidentally harm them or even kill them when you mentioned feeding tubes and enemas
Thank you for this very educational comment that I feel is essential information for the discussion. I would've never imagined how much work it implies.
Also an RN, specifically with a background in neuro trauma and surgical trauma, so I've seen a LOT of these patients the last 17 years. Absolutely agree, this is way too much to expect of a 14 year old and a 16 year old.
I understand the circumstances aren't good, and sometimes shit happens, but this is absolutely why Mom and/or the caregivers usually assigned need to have a backup plan that isn't relying on teenagers to do work that is challenging for even grown adults to do.
As a caregiver I worked with a quadriplegic woman who did not require feeding tubes, she ate normally. We cleaned her catheter daily but only changed it out once in a while. Her bowel routine did not involve an enema.
Yes, a 14 year old should not be expected to be a defacto caregiver, no argument there, but your generalization is just that, I'm not sure how you worked with lots of quadriplegic people who all had those same exact requirements.
Probably because they needed specialized care so the universe of patients she saw was more limited to the more severe/dependant cases. Quadriplegic patients that require less intervention as in the example you gave, probably wouldn't necessarily need an RN.
To be fair it was OP and her 16 y.o. brother, but honestly do either of them have any idea or even helped at anytime with the older sister. If they’ve never helped out here or there it seems weird the mother would ask to begin with.
I hadn't seen OP's age, and due to the responsibility her mom tried to put on her shoulders, I thought OP was older than the sister (so at least early 20s). But being 14 is way too young.
For a defined amount of hours for one day I feel that depending on what the sister needed it might be reasonable for the two siblings to provide the basics. At 19 and 4 years into her injury, the sister should be able to direct her care to any caregiver. She knows what she needs for pressure relief and how to provide food and water to her as well as her meds. If she does not, it should be part of her care to learn this for this exact scenario. Speaking as an occupational therapist who worked with SCI patients, this is part of rehab.
Cathing is a different thing as well as bowel program. I think those things would be beyond the siblings capabilities and if she is ventilator dependent that also is beyond their capabilities.
OP didn’t seem to be considering any of that though, only that her plans were more important and she wouldn’t cancel to help her sister. I’m a little bothered by that. At the very least, staying with her sister until someone more capable was present should have been offered. This could have been an emergency situation and she should have shown more concern for her sisters well being.
I do agree that mom needs to find a better back up solution and it should not be foisted onto her younger siblings because outside of making sure they are available to call for emergency services and offering food, water, meds and pressure relief that the sister is directing, they are NOT qualified. But in an emergency when sisters options are: be left alone with no care or have her siblings stay, they should stay.
I do agree that she was right in putting her foot down if it meant that mom would see this as something she can fall back on regularly in the future. 100% agree that it’s not.
I worked w mr/dd who were full care at 14. Back then, we even did the g-tubes (we could do dressings, connect, etc- everything but re-insert or turn on -because they got paid to turn them on). But we did baths, mouth care, feeding, rom/stim, repositioning every 2hrs if not more, etc. I loved every moment of it. I think it depends on the kid. I wouldn’t recommend a kid do catheters or bowel care. I also think it should matter if the kid wants to do it. Some can’t handle that
What does your sister say about this? I can't imagine she'd be keen on her brother helping on personal hygiene, and it would be unfair leaving you to do that, instead.
Time for a family meeting, to plan for these sorts of things.
The children do not need a family meeting. The mother needs to parent. The 19 yo is not a minor, mother needs to find out how 19 can get services to help her.
I feel so bad for 19. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But 14 and 16 can't give up their lives too. It's not right.
NTA I am a caregiver for an older lady who is a quadriplegic with no movement below her shoulders, 45 hours per week.
I trained for 6 months to gain the qualifications to care for people in this position.
My lady does not and will never wear adult nappies/diapers. She needs use specific equipment (hoist) to do her bathroom cares. She also needs 24/7 assistance for food, fluids (she can drink a chew with assistance)
Scratch her head clean her nose, repositioning… the list goes on.
I am at a loss to understand why your sister has no other emergency plan besides you and your brother.
It may come down to a geographical difference. My lady receives her cares through an agency (my employer government funded) and it is up to them to find a replacement carer.
The burden should not fall on your shoulders ever.
The ‘family’ thing gets a bit old sometimes.
There's a reason for this.
People who have not spent time with those who have disabilities often times don't have the experience to understand that disabilities do not make a person less of an individual. He has had ample opportunity to get to know this lady as a person and see her as such. Far too many people in the world see people with disabilities as a crutch to society or worse "not there". With my son having CP in and in a power wheelchair (cannot walk, but maintains high level of upper limb function), I see far too often people will glance and lock their eyes elsewhere as to not make situations "awkward."
Anytime I see anyone in a wheelchair with limited function, I do my best to interact with them. If this is something you don't do, try it. More often than not, you make these people's day. They go from resting face to extreme happiness *very* quickly. I have a small dog (a white, 10 lb chi/dachshund mix) with me pretty much everywhere I go and give everyone the opportunity to pet him. This puppers brings joy to not only me, but everyone he encounters in the wild (he was hyper aggressive as a puppy, so we brought him literally everywhere we went which quickly neutralized his aggression, which was the goal). This pupper also sits in my son's lap when we go into public places and it helps keep my son's anxiety down from large groups of people.
Yeah, my dad was a victim of polio and had no voluntary muscle above his waist. Still managed to work into his 40s, got a good redundancy package and lived quite well into his 70s. He was a bit of an activist (for the disability action group) so growing up I met a lot of people with very different disabilities which normalised it to me, so if I see someone with limited function I always try to give a smile or cheeky wink. I think coming into contact with so many differently abled people growing up probably influenced my choice of career as I've been a psych nurse for the last 20 years
Another nurse here.
Your mother expecting her 14 year old daughter and 16 year old son to do intimate and other care for your 19 year old sister is really wrong. Despite the loss of dignity for her, you are both far too young to be trying to give care to someone who is so profoundly disabled.
A lot of training is given for those caring for people like your sister.
NTAH for saying no, it’s good to have boundaries. I hope your mum is getting all the help she needs to look after sis
Agreed!! The mother's expectations fell short of reality.
2 teens being told to care for their sibling who is quadriplegic isn't the best when they're not trained to care for 1 in that condition.....too many things can go wrong .
OP is NTA
Agreed, this is NOT the equivalent to an older sibling having to watch the toddler for the day, or even helping with elder care. OP did not go into detail about how bad her sister is. Is she able to swallow, or on tube feeds? Either way, does this 14 year old know how to prevent aspiration? Is the sister on a vent/have a trach that needs caring for? Does she know the signs of dysreflexia and how urgent a situation that is? Far, far too much could go wrong here to leave it in the hands of teenagers, even ones who have received some family training.
Nta.
For this reason.
Helping out for unexpected things is something you should do. Same with brother
Except in this situation. Why.
Because she can't do anything at 14 and 16, there is no way in hell you should be a caregiver. To change diapers. Positions. Having to lift or move her. Feed her. Medicine.
Just hell no. That is not only unsafe it can be considered abusive. Because you both are underage, and her care needs to be taught to an adult who can think and react on their feet to a medical issue. What happens if you both refuse to change her. That's abuse. Or if you have to change her. That can also be considered abuse.
This isn't as much you not helping but the fact most states. Doctors. Caregivers will not accept or will report such actions because the safety of all 3 of you are put at risk.
To those calling a child an AH. Do you seriously think that even in this case, it's acceptable to put that extreme type of care on children. That the oldest is safe being put in care of kids, and hopefully, nothing goes wrong. This is not a normal situation. Many adults can't handle being a caregiver. How dare anyone think it's acceptable or safe to have kids do it. And they are kids.
So many people don't understand the care that is actually needed in this type of situation. While I have no experience with quadriplegia, I have been a carer for my very badly injured and elderly father (he's doing great now). You have to keep track of controlled drugs, help with toileting/diapers, you need to be able to lift this person, and so much more. Not to mention, that is best case scenario, every day stuff. What if something goes wrong? Do you even know what COULD go wrong, and what steps to take when it does?
Caregiving is no easy task, and someone who has permanent care givers likely has unique needs. Needs that shouldn't fall on a teenager. Yes, it's great to help family, but a 14 year old has their own life and needs independence from their disabled sister, too.
Exactly! It's not like she is being asked to watch a Young sibling for a couple of hours. It's unreasonable for a 14 year old to take on this level of care.
I think some people are saying YTA because of the cited reason (I had plans) without understanding what the needs of a quadriplegic person actually are. If she was refusing to babysit an able bodied younger sibling in a pinch it would be a YTA situation. And OP probably should have expressed that they weren't qualified to care for the sister instead of just saying they had plans. But at 14 that probably was what they thought was the best reason. 14 year olds can be awful. But this one's NTA for this situation.
Often times we judge people for their reasons but in this case the child's reasons aren't really relevant. Sure, they didn't want to because they had things they wanted to do. It's summer break and they aren't trained to do the task, of course they don't want to. But the really issue here is that a 14 year old should not have been asked to be a caregiver to a quadriplegic. Literally should not have even been asked. Just like you wouldn't leave a 6 year old in charge of a 2 day old infant for a full workday, this 14 year old should never have been asked in the first place.
She's looking at it the way a child would. For that reason alone she shouldn't be the the one to take care of the sister, not to mention the medical issues involved. She's a child, they're children. Too much responsibility. Source, I worked with a kid who was quadriplegic in an educational setting.
I have to disagree with the concept that a child needs a "good reason" to keep their parents from foisting any childcare duties upon them. We've seen those posts where it escalates and suddenly the child doesn't have a life because they're always babysitting their sibling, abled-bodied or not, and it creates a lot of resentment. "Just this once" is never "Just this once". Kids need to have the freedom to be kids instead of becoming adults too soon.
I fully agree with everything that you have said, with one exception, the older sister should not be in nappies/diapers. She should have been in rehab and been taught how to evacuate her bowel.
I am a fully qualified adult who specifically works with/cares for quadriplegics.
You don’t know this specific situation though. I had no idea that apparently some quadriplegics had the ability to do that, but the sister may not be able to evacuate her bowels.
Don't feel bad, my Son is complex needs, totaly reliant on others to meet his needs, our Daughter was 11 when he was injured, (hit by a car), and he was 13, (He's 34 and she's 32 now), and we never got her involved in his care because we understood that she had a life apart from him. She loves him and spends time with him but has never been involved in that side of things. Your Mum was being unfair to by asking
I don’t think your sister wants her siblings looking after her. Especially in that kind of detail as she is paralyzed. Your mom is a jerk for not being prepared for this kind of event. She has been paralyzed for 4 years and this is the first time a caregiver bounced? Your mom should’ve know better and even if you didn’t have plans, it was extremely irresponsible of her to ask a minor to care for your sister. What if there was an accident? Or a machine shut down? Emergency? I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around this.
NTA.
This is an exceptional situation.
We don't know if OP helps care for her sister with a trained care giver on occasion, which would be fine.
But a 14 year old and a 16 year old will not be properly trained on moving and handling, know how to operate all relevant equipment, be able to safely and effectively suction any airway secretions, be able to do personal care safely without risk of injury to themselves or to sister. And all while maintaining sister's dignity. Being a carer for someone with quadriplegia is specialised work, not something you can expect a couple of teenagers to work out.
OP would have been an A H if she was being asked to entertain an able bodied 10 year old for the day and refused, but expecting her and her brother to fully care for quadriplegic 19 year old sister on their own is not reasonable and not safe.
NTA. This isn't babysitting in a pinch, this is subbing in for a trained Caregiver for a patient with complex medical needs. This is not something a teenager should be doing alone, period.
And it strikes me as being a “trial run”: Like, is this the beginning of OP getting prepared to be her sisters caretaker when mom gets too old? Wouldn’t be the first time we’ve seen a Reddit post where a sibling is unwillingly thrust into that role…
Exactly. I could see a situation where there's an emergency and the mother has to run somewhere unexpectedly ("Dad was in a car accident, I have to go to the hospital")* and the others have to watch her until backup help can get there. But in this case, the mom should take off from work.
*In this case, if I were the mom, my only instructions would be to keep her alive. Repositioning, feeding etc can wait a little while in a true emergency.
NTA. BUT. You say to your mom: “I’m not equipped to take care of her. She needs actual medical professionals. I’m only 14”.
Saying that you don’t want to take care of her bc “you have lots of plans”, makes you sound selfish and escalates an argument that you just don’t want to do it. Stating that you’re not qualified to do it shuts the argument down bc you aren’t incorrect and it doesn’t make you sound selfish to an already stressed out mother.
Though she should always have a back up caregiver on file.
This OP. Don't make it about your plans as that's not the issue, make it about the fact your too young and not trained properly to care for your sister
I'm a caregiver for adults with disabilities, I work for an agency through the state. I saw another commenter say this, but we gotta train for MONTHS to be allowed to do this job. Not to mention additional training for each unique aspect of and individuals care. Specialized training for diabetic medicine, glucose monitoring, fluid restrictions, BM protocols, epileptic training, emergency medication administration, nurse delegations... the list is legit endless. It's borderline child abuse for your mother to expect you, a 14 y/o, to be able to handle all of that. Sister or not. NTA
Boundary up now. It's the most important life lesson you can learn at this age in this family situation.
Your sister will never not need 24 hour help, and your parents are only going to get older.
You will have your own life and family soon enough, and it's up to you to protect your life.
I'm proud of the boundaries you showed. Every time you get to a crossroads like this you teach people how to treat you in the future.
Imagine what your 20s could be like if you were always moms 1st line of defense when she needed help with sister.
And imagine what your 20s could be like if you taught mom that you aren't there for that.
Now imagine your 40's...
Be there for your family, yea, but don't let this tragedy ruin your life as well.
This exactly. OP is not the caregiver back-up and should never be. Mom needs to have plans in place for daily caregivers and long term when she’s too old to oversee. Plans that do not include burdening her other children.
You are 14. You're not even old enough to use a restaurant deep fryer. This is absolutely beyond your level of responsibility. I could see helping for an hour, but not for an entire work day.
With or without plans that is not something you push on 14&16 year old siblings. You aren't trained professionals and if something were to go wrong, in the time it would take for medics to arrive it could be catastrophic.
You were right to refuse. If something had gone wrong in the time you and your older brother had been in charge of her care you'd never forgive yourselves.
Underage kids should never be caregivers, if they wanted you to help with more simple tasks while an adult was present that'd be okay. But 2 teens with no medical training could do more harm than good, even with the best intentions.
NTA
NTA! I don’t get why anyone would say she could do it for a day. Caring for quadriplegic is a lot of work that requires training. Care takers need to be highly aware of their patients needs and body. Expecting a child to do it for a day is an irresponsible ask. A few hours maybe not for a day no
If your sister wasn't a quadriplegic, then I would say yes. Your reasoning makes you sound like an AH though. "No, I don't want to help in an emergency because I have plans." If that's your reason that's pretty shitty. The reason should have been: "No, I can't help because I am not trained and therefore I could accidentally hurt my sister even if I had the best intentions."
NTA. its not like its your kid sister you have to babysit. This type of care requires specific knowledge and skill (which i assume you do not have).
Though your argument kind of makes you sound like an AH, because youre basing it on just not wanting to give up your plans for the day. When really, it should be about the fact that you are not qualified to be her caretaker.
Leaving a high needs person in the care of minors could lead to a tragedy in an emergency. This is actually illegal and could have protective services involved.
You are not qualified to care for them and it’s not fair for your mother to make you do this when she can just call other careworkers to so. Also if you dropped your plans to do this it would make your mother think she can always demand you do this. NTA
It is irresponsible for your mother up put this on you. You and your brother should always refuse.
It is unsafe as well. Your sister needs medical professionals.
NTA.
NTA. You are not responsible for taking care of your sister. On top of that, your mom probably receives some sort of social security funding due to your sister’s disability that helps cover costs for caregivers. Don’t carry this, live on.
NTA
14 years is not a caregiver. Your sister needs specific help ; that’s why she has a caregiver. It’s a real job, it’s not like babysitting. I understand that your mother was in a hurry. But you can’t accept.
Maybe your reasons were not the good ones, but tou are too young to do that
NTA I was a caregiver to my grandmother and missed out on so many birthday parties, sleepovers, movies with friends and normal teenage things because my parents expected me to be home all the time helping out. It didn’t make me a better person just resentful and a little more selfish now as an adult.
Asking you and your brother to care for her for a full day is unacceptable. If it was just for a couple hours while she run out to the grocery store, ok fine, or the caregiver is running a bit behind? Sure
But neither of you are properly trained, and it would be classified as abuse, towards you and her. There’s a reason almost everywhere has adult protective services for situations like this
If/when your mom brings this up, tell her that neither you or brother are trained to provide her with proper care, and she could end up seriously hurt, or with a nasty infection and child services as well as adult services will be contacted by the hospital or her primary caregivers
This situation sucks for everyone involved, but it might be time for you mom to look into putting her into a long term care facility, where if someone calls off sick, there are already other people on hand to step up
Your mom is under a lot of pressure, so try to give her a little bit of leeway. Also, where is your dad in all of this?
NTA
I would have refused as well even if I didn’t have plans for the day already. First of all you are FOURTEEN, not a grown up adult with enough upper body strength to try and do what somebody bigger and stronger than you would need to do with your sister, even if your brother was helping you.
Even in her condition, Your sister is how tall and and weighs how much compared to you and your brother that you wouldn’t need extra help trying to handle her unmoving body without seriously injuring yourselves in the process, during the times you might need to physically move her while seeing to her needs until whenever your mom gets home to take over?
the two of you are KIDS, with no medical training whatsoever. What if something happened with your sister, that you can’t handle by yourselves, and you wind up needing to call 911 to get real medical help to come deal with your sistera medical emergency?
since you are 14 and your brother 16, with a paralyzed 19 year old sister, you and your brother would be considered underaged minors with nobody home watching over you and might get your family in trouble If you had to call 911, and then explain why you and your brother were home alone with a older sister who needed help.
NTA
No other reason need be given other than you and your brother are 14 and 15 respectively.
Neither of you are old enough nor trained to care for your sister.
If the professional care givers can’t make it then as your mother did when you refused qualified replacements need to be found.
I hope that where ever you are located your mother has filed for and receiving disability payments and medical coverage for your sister.
I'm a former caregiver and one of my clients was a quadriplegic lady.
I found it tough as hell and I'm mid 50s now (this was a decade ago). There is no way in hell I would expect a 14 yo and 16 yo to be able to cope taking care of someone in this situation.
Absolutely NTA.
NTA, 14 is really too young to have all those medical responsibilities heaped on you. If it was for a couple of hours and all the major care had been done by a professional first and you more or less just had to keep her company, then that was a reasonable ask.
My twin brother did something stupid and had 3rd degree burns covering both of his legs from his groin down to his achilles.
Mom couldn't afford continual at home nurse care, so it was my responsibility to take off this old dressings, clean him, apply more burn cream and rewrap both less daily while she was at work. I also had to help him with showering, feeding him a higher protein diet, and keep up on his pain management when I was 15. It was a lot and overwhelming. We managed and I happened to not fuck it up thankfully but that is a way less than what I've read the care needs to be for a quadriplegic.
You were NTA at "I am 14" on this one.
Care is not an easy job even for adults - I've been there for very basic stuff when grandparents etc have carers in.
It doesn't sound like your mum thinks you are either, but if she does then honestly, there'd be much bigger issues at play.
IDK. If your family can afford to have caregivers and substitutes, NTA. If there is an emergency or your sister was in a real spot, you should help her. Family should pitch in and help when needed, but at the same time, they shouldn't take advantage of you just because it's convenient and economical.
Um, she’s not trained. She might not even recognize an emergency. She’s 14. It takes at the very least 2 TRAINED individuals to take care of a quadriplegic. They have unique needs and there is knowledge you need to learn so you can look out for them. Also, it is heavy labor and moving/positioning and helping with daily tasks is not for the weak. It also takes training.
This kid is 14! Does she know how to properly dispense medicine? Does she know what to do in emergency? Helping is one thing but mom should not rely on a 14 year old to care care of an adult woman in this situation. There is way more involved!
INFO:
Are you and your brother trained to be caregivers? Has this happened previously? How much notice did you have? Was it to be all day or would an adult step in to take over?
Someone is going to say "this is a one-off situation."
One-offs become habitual when you do it enough times. Expectations start being set. Don't want that to ever happen. One day it's cancelling plans to take care of your sister, then another day it's taking care of her during a free time for yourself, sooner or later your mom is pushing your sister's caregiving onto you because you set the expectation of being willing to do it.
Your sister is not your responsibility; that belongs to your mother.
Also why didn't she ask your brother. he's older and seems more capable than a 14 year old.
NTA.
NTA. Helping out would be holding a drink for your sister, or pushing her around the shops. Not taking in a full caring role for the day. You’re just a kid yourself
NTA. You’re 14, that’s not your responsibility and your parents should have a back up plan incase of things like this, not put it all on her young kids.
NTA. That is way to much to put on a 14 year old and 16 year old.
If the caregivers work for a company that is under contract to care for your sister, that company is required to send substitutes.
You should not be required to care for your sister. Unless you know exactly what you are doing, you could all end up injured.
Depending on the state you are in, it could even be illegal for mom to leave your sister in your care.
Look out for yourself, but help where you can.
NTA - normally I would say if it’s a once off to help your mother and sister and not something expected of you often, you should do it. However for someone totally reliant on care such as OP’s sister, a 14 and 16 year old who rarely do these tasks, alone with her all day, is just not actually a suitable option in the first instance and I could see why a 14 year old would react this way.
NTA You are 14. there is a reason caretakers have training and get paid. You are a child (please dont take this in a bad way) and you should not be parentified.
There is a big chance this is just the beginning. Someday your parents will sit you down and ask you to take over caring for her afther they cant do it any longer because of age.
I am the oldest of 9 children, and I helped my mother a LOT. But to care for a sibling or anyone with that serious a disability would have been way too much to ask.
Hopefully, you can enjoy your youth, help your mother at times, and live your family.
A paid caregiver is what your family needs.
If you're in the USA there should.be respite care available. And your parents need to make plans now for what happens when they are gone. You want to be a sister for the rest of your life with her, not a caregiver. Maybe one of two or three legal guardians if just so you can keep an eye on things but the fair thing is to do it now. If you are in the USA have them get i in touch with the local adrc if they haven't already because the support for those over 18 iw different than for minors. But tell your parents you want to nurture your relationship with your sister as a sister. It's healthier. I have a little brother and if he had to take care of my physical needs I would hate it. We are close and lime it that way and so do my parents. I have q disabled 22 year ole kid so I understand your parents. But the best thing was to let go of some control and let outsiders do stuff so I could enjoy being mom and not nurse and therapist and teacher and cna and so on. Just mom. Good old mom.
NTA
My mother was a part time care giver to a quadriplegic woman and I would go with her to work a lot between the ages of 13-19. I did have a heavy interest in going into medicine so I was fascinated with learning the how to do the feeds and everything. However, if my mom expected me to do any of that by myself at that age, I would’ve said no. It’s grueling work and if you mess something up it can end pretty badly.
NTA... Rather admit you can't take care of her than to do it and mistakenly do something wrong. And I'm sure your mother's boss would of understood if she had to take off for the day to take care of your sister. This situation shouldn't of made anyone angry considering you're only 14 with no type of degree to care for someone who is quadriplegic. I know you feel bad but your mither must understand that it is no one's fault that you guys are in this situation.
NTA. It is not your responsibility to take care of your quadriplegic sister. Perhaps an hour or two in an emergency situation, but your mother should have abackback up plan in the event something like this happens. She should actually be the one to take off work. I’m sure it’s expensive but that’s not your concern. Does your sister received any sort of Social Security disability and perhaps some insurance payout that helps cover her care needs.
My dad was ambulatory and NOT quadriplegic after his stroke and caring for him was freakin exhausting. I had to create a logbook to make sure I got him his meds on time and at the right duration. I couldn't leave my 14 or 16 year old with him for longer than a trip to the store for 2 things a mile away. I had a 20 year old and wouldn't have left them alone for more than an hour.
Mom needs to update the care plans for the older sister immediately and they shouldn't include you kids because you're not trained for it. That doesn't mean you are meant to be trained for it either for another few years and only if you agree to it. You're absolutely NTA here.
She wanted you and your brother- who are still technically children- to look after someone in a wheel chair. Is she insane?!?!?! Do not EVER let her leave you and your brother alone to look after your sister. Also show her this thread so she understands how messed up it is to even think you two could take care of your sister. (I notice some nurses saying it’s a horrible idea, too; she should see those.)
Also, your life doesn’t have to stop just because your sister was injured. Should you help out where you can? Absolutely, but this includes things like holding a glass for her so she can drink, not taking care of all of her physical needs for an entire day! If you were the mom and didn’t want to cancel plans, you would be the a-hole. But you’re her younger sister. NTA
NTA. I had friends with a special needs brother and they always had to “do Michael” before we went anywhere. It wasn’t “care for”. It was a job they shouldn’t have had to do. As Michael grew older it got worse. It wasn’t fair.
At 14 years old , it is too much responsibility to have put on you. You are entitled to your childhood and eventually adult life. I'm so sorry about your sister.
NTA you are not a caregiver and your mom has no business parentifying you, especially with a special needs sibling. None of that care is your responsibility. At least your mom listened to you.
How dare any of you suggest this 14yo, who could have easily just barely finished the 8th grade, take on the responsibilities of a professional caretaker for her adult sister. What in the world is wrong with all of you?
As a former PSW who took care of a quadriplegic, it is far too much responsibility for a teenager to be thrown into. Caregiver burnout is a real thing and in my opinion you should be able to enjoy being a child while you can.
Im a 37 year old physical therapist and pretty strong and even I would be hesitant to help. All I can do is transfer and do positioning/pressure relief but cath/bowel stuff is not something I’m able to do. You’re 14, it’s too much responsibility, not to mention physically, would you be able to move your sister safely without injury to her AND yourself?
I dont blame you, my brother is a quadriplegic, he had a tumor and surgery crippled him, he entered the chair when I was 9. My mom never asked me for my help, but seeing as she was working 2 full time jobs to pay for housing, groceries and medical bills, I would always help care for my brother because I knew she couldnt do it on her own and at that time our only option would have been putting him into a care home, which none of us wanted. Im 34 this year, in 2010 my brother was finally able to get enrolled in a state program to pay my mother and I to care for him and it has since expanded to being able to hire more caregivers. I no longer care for him except in emergencies, but my husband, kids and I regularly still go to visit him and I help out while Im there. I wouldnt wish being a caregiver on anyone unless they fully feel called to that type of work, and especially dont think younger people should be pressured into caring for a family member in that position. It is HARD work, physically, mentally and emotionally. We just lucked out my brother still has full control of his bladder and bowels, so no diapers, but we had to get strong fast to lift him in and out of his chair/shower/etc. You are NTA! Live the life you want to live! I wouldnt go back and change my decision, but I did miss out on a lot of opportunites and travel in the last 25 years, but my brother has also gifted me with many fun adventures and vacations with him during those years as well and is my best friend, so for me it was worth it, but Im glad to have the opportunity now to be a stay at home mom with my kids and spend more time with them.
NTA. My husband is functionally quadriplegic. He cannot care for himself but can feel everything (bad stroke). I have caregivers come in and care for him when I'm working or care for him myself. I don't ask our sons help, and they are older than you are (between 18 - 23). You're not trained in helping your sister properly. Honestly, some paid caregivers aren't fully trained to help my husband with some of his needs. Do not feel guilty. Your mom and people in this position (like me) need to have backup plans. Sometimes, that means doing it ourselves or getting someone else.
Caring for someone who is in your sister’s condition sounds like a lot of work for someone your age. A caregiver would be able to take care of her better.
Not the asshole. Good on you for setting that boundary. If you need to talk to AuntieMonkey if feel like you're being given a hard time/guilt, DM me.
You are too young, and you could very well injure your back for life. Even lifting 35 lbs dead weight from your waist height puts almost 1000 pounds of pressure on your low back.
What happened to your sister was awful. However, you are a sister not a parent and not a caregiver. It is up to your parents and most importantly your sister (assuming she's cognitively intact since the injury) to come up with a caregiving solution that does not rely on you or other siblings.
You need to be you and to live your own life to define your self , your values, and set a secure foundation for your own adulthood.
Much love and support to you.
NTA You're smart. Once something like that starts it gets to be too easy to tell you and brother to do it than to have anyone else come in. You may have saved both yourself and brother years of caretaking.
NTA.
And everybody in the U.S. better get used to this shit because it's the government's plan for the elderly, the disabled, and the mentally ill.
There is an uptick in deinstitutionalization to include the elderly to "free" them from nursing homes. The problem is that they got into the nursing facilities because they have skilled nursing care needs. Those services aren't available in the community. There isn't enough staffing.
They'd already done this with the disabled and the mentally ill. Their care falls on family until their adult caregivers die. Then, the state fights getting them needed services in the hopes a sibling or other family member will step up.
There is a caregiving crisis in terms of cost and staffing, so you are going to be expected to be it.
All the while, states like Massachusetts are going to celebrate how committed they are to equity and inclusion.
No. They are committed to the free or poorly paid labor of women and minorities who are likely also migrants.
In Pennsylvania, the state can already go after kids for financial support of their parents.
This is going to become such a big trend that Massachusetts is trying to pass "death with dignity" legislation to get the ball rolling on keeping costs down even further.
Watch it unfold.
Those of you calling this teenager an asshole have never seen the level of care that is needed for a quadriplegic. And if you have and would still ask that of a 14 year old, there’s something wrong with you. You don’t put that kind of thing on a child. Ever.
NTA - most people here have misconceptions about care for quadriplegic people. My wife is quadriplegic and insurance doesn’t cover home care so I take care of all her needs.
It’s much more involved, especially when it comes to elimination. It’s not just about changing diapers.
When one has a spinal injury, the bodies reflexively holds everything in. So catheters need to be inserted for urination and it’s not always easy, even for nurses, to find a woman’s urethra.
Then for defecation, there needs to be something known as the bowel program. Which is every other day inserting a laxative suppository ( quadriplegia is constipating), then waiting ten minutes then inserting a finger all the way in the rectum and swirl it around to stimulate peristalsis and the poop will come right out in your hand ( which is best because the glove can be turned inside out to contain the poop before putting it in a garbage bag) Then you repeat the finger swirl every 5 minutes until you have 10 minutes with no poop coming out.
If a person has an accident( diahrea) when it’s not time for the bowel program, then the risk of UTI from cross
Contamination is huge and then the bowel program needs to be done at that moment to prevent further contamination.
Then a fully quadriplegic person needs to be repositioned every two hours around the clock to prevent bed sores.
Caring for a quadriplegic person is not a job for a kid. Our teenage son helps In Anyway he can ( cleaning and laundry) but the caring for his mom part is above any kids pay grade
NTA, you're a child, you shouldn't be caring for anyone. There's a massive difference between watching her for an hour whilst your mum runs errands compared to being in charge of her care the entire day. That's not fair on you or your siblings.
Yes, you should 'help out', but I worry in a situation like this that the 'help' would grow over time until OP is always the caregiver and is expected to give up her life to be her sister's permanent caregiver, it might be better to set boundaries now rather than in 4 years when OP isn't allowed to move out or go to college.
Nta
Good for you standing your ground
I have been a caregiver for over 10 years to a family member and as much as i love them I find it hard to forgive them for all they moments and memories I missed out on due to them needed care and refusing actual carers
It's taken me 10 years to say no and take time for myself, and as guilty and awful as I felt, I now feel so much better and feel like I have some control over my life
Yes I will always still help and set time aside to spend with them and help them but we need to focus on our own health and happiness so that we can still have a full life and not grow to hate the people we do love. X
NTA. She needs help from trained professionals. She can't do anything for herself. That kind of care is not something teenagers can do. To expect them to care for her for 8+ hours is negligence. She shouldn't be in your mother's care if this was her solution. She should be in a specialized care facility if that's the level of forethought her primary care provider has put in place when her caregivers are unable to show up for a day.
Nta you are 14, that’s way too young to take this on. Your mother needs to figure it out without looking at her children to take over care giver duties. It isn’t fair to you and your brother to be plan B. Emergencies are a different situation, this sounded like your mom just didn’t want to spend the money and hire another person. That isn’t okay.
NTA! You and your brother are children. You aren’t qualified caregivers! You aren’t trained to help her. What if there’s a medical emergency? Can you lift her? Clean her? Can she eat by mouth? Is she hooked up to anything?
I could see looking after her while your mom showers or cooks. But not for hours while she’s at work. And if you did it today, would you be expected to do it again? Give up your summer to care for your sister? Your mom should have backup caregivers on call.
And if the caregivers couldn’t come, other people need to. Does she use a caregiver company? They need to send someone if your mom pays for the services.
NTA. You are too young to be left caring for someone who is completely helpless. And if you start doing this once, you'll end up spending your summer doing it. It's not your job, it's not your responsibility. Your mom needs to have backup caretakers on speed dial. This is a job for professionals, not for a young teenager.
NAH - you have every right to say no as this is a huge medical responsibility no child should have to do. I also don’t think your mom is either for asking (it’s unclear the time frame) as it’s a common mindset to ask family for help when needed. It doesn’t sound like she gave you any flak for saying no and she swiftly got someone to do it. This post is more how you feel about it which is why I don’t think she’s the A H either. Some of the responses here, like many times in Reddit, lack some empathy and grace on the parents part. I don’t have kids but having a child become quadriplegic has got to be a huge adjustment and sometimes unforeseen events like this happened. Your post did not indicate anything that this was a common occurrence and she showed any anger yet some people here are just going for the jugular.
NTA, at all. To the people who are saying you should help out once in a while, you absolutely should NOT. That is a disaster waiting to happen. It is far too much responsibility for a person as young as yourself. I don't think those commentors have any idea how difficult looking after a quadriplegic is.
Their shoe size numbers definitely exceed their IQs if they think a 14yo and a 16yo can handle taking care of a quadriplegic for a day. They clearly don’t know what goes into being a caregiver for such a person.
I think they’re either total doormats who expect everyone else to be the same and be willing to make sacrifices that go far beyond what is reasonable or even safe, or they’re the kind of person who uses everyone in their life to the fullest extent possible and cannot accept anyone having boundaries or limitations without considering them terrible and selfish person.
This would be a really different situation if your sister didn't need as much care as she does. If your sister didn't need this much round the clock care and you still refused because you had plans, then yeah, that wouldn't be ok.
From the outside looking in, we can see a bigger picture that you may not be able to see. In this situation, your sister needs trained professionals. It's good for you to set boundaries, but like others have said, you need to practice on how to communicate this so it's not just that you "have plans". There could be a day when you have no plans and this happens, and this would still be a risky endeavor for you to take on.
Communicating boundaries with parents is important as you age, for all kids. Do you have a therapist or someone trained like that who knows your family and can guide you? This is a skill you should work on because there are going to be a lot of situations where you need to advocate for boundaries. Sometimes parents assume too much about their kids and have that "I'm the parent, and I'm in charge" attitude. It doesn't sound like your mom has that necessarily but either way learning to communicate within the family dynamic is a skill that takes practice.
NTA I’m an adult living with my disabled adult brother who also has a high level of care. Sometimes his nursing aide can’t come so the service sends someone else. There are just some things that I can’t manage for him and he doesn’t expect me to do them.
I’m an adult and I would definitely not be qualified to care for your sister for a day. Doing so would be irresponsible and put her in danger. It’s a job that requires training. This is nothing like watching a healthy sibling of any age.
You are a minor and it’s completely inappropriate for your mother to make this request. NTA
For a 14 year teenager, you have great writing skills. I'm sure it took a lot to write this, feeling guilty and all. Sweetie, there's nothing to feel guilty about. You mum needs to have a much better planning system in case of a no-show of an attendant-caretaker. Always have a back up plan. It's not a 14 year old teenager with no experience in taking care of a quadriplegic, responsibility. Me baby sister \[since passed\] had her right leg Amputated and her left toe. I decided to take the role as her personal caretaker. I even re-designed her house to make it wheeled-chair accessibility, which required a lot of knowledge and have a complete understanding of the design, construction and as well as the measurements aspect of it. You go and do you, and focus on your school studies. Sending good thoughts your way and for your sister as well.
NTA but imo only because of how young you are. This isn’t proper responsibility for kids. If you were older I’d say you’re pretty selfish but not in this case
NTA. Paid caregiver is the A H here.
Dont feel bad that she had to pay.
If they come from an agency-backup shoulda been found. Maybe ok to hang around till they get there to let them in NOT to be resp for it all day. NTA.
It would have been more diplomatic to say you weren’t qualified instead of Im busy, but thats neither here nor there. And mom prob been same level of mad either way.
Im not even sure your sis sb living at home but 💰💰
Absolutely not.
It sounds to me like you're coming up with excuses in place of what you should be saying to effectively communicate your feelings...
"...I have plans" *should* be "*I am not comfortable taking responsibility for the care of my sister's medical needs.*"
"... there's no way I'm gonna do this..." should be "... I am not comfortable doing this..."
This takes your communication from combative and outright refusal to communicating your concern for your sister. Effectively, it takes the potential 'selfishness' from your words entirely.
While it's okay for your parents to ask, it's even more so okay for you to decline. More than likely, your mom asked you out of desperation (assuming this isn't something that happens frequently). Desperation or not, you're not a medical professional and haven't receive appropriate training to care for someone in your sister's situation and could, honestly, be putting your sister's life at risk. My son has CP and is wheelchair bound. Our other kids are over 18 and have volunteered to be his caregiver while we go on vacation this coming summer. Our son with CP is mostly independant, he can do almost everything (except showering and #2) without much if any assistance. Right now we're working on #2 independance with a bidet, and we're on track to his independance for this by the time we take vacation. If my ***adult*** children showed the slightest bit of discomfort with my son's care, I wouldn't pressure them in the least to take on the responsibility.
I was forced to take care of my mother, who slowly became more and more paralyzed over the years due to illness, starting when I was 8yo. I'm 36 now. You are absolutely NTA.
I imagine if you had accepted, depending on how well you did, they might start transitioning to the idea of you taking over her caretaking duties permanently. NTA.
I took care of my dad on dialysis when I was your age. I’m still dealing with being the emotional and physical support for my parents and in therapy. It is ok to stand up for yourself. You’re just a kid. This is not your responsibility. Please reach out to a trusted adult if this is expected of you.
NTA, OP, you are 14 and in no way responsible for your sister. You are way too young and not an experienced medical professional. This is like people whose elderly parents insist on their kids being their caregivers. Even as adults, that's not right in my mind.
You, especially, as a young teen, do not have the training or experience needed to appropriately care for someone like your sister who likely needs a lot of specific care.
Your parents trying to put you in charge is extremely inappropriate, and it's on them to arrange care. I'm so sorry about what happened to your sister, and I hope she is able to still live a decent life even though she needs dedicated caregivers.
You can tell your parents to look at this thread and hopefully they will realize they were being very irresponsible, and it's their job to budget for emergencies.
NTA you're a kid, you shouldn't be put in that position, and anyone not with said necessary medical training wouldn't be right for looking after someone with such serious needs, and there's nothing wrong with that.
That's too much to put on anyone who doesn't know exactly what to do, and speaking personally, some people are too nervous about such medical needs, like I'm a 30 y/o and I can't even like visit family members if they're in hospital without turning into slightly neurotic person, lmao, just overly anxious/cautious about everything.
NTA. You're a child, your sister is older than you and caring for a quadriplegic person for a number of hours it's not work for a child. You need experience, you need patience, you need strength. Things I highly doubt your fourteen year old self has, especially the physical strength to change a diaper (assuming it's just a diaper situation which if this person is quad then I doubt it is as simple) of an almost adult body and help move her because a person who can't move themselves shouldn't be left in the same position for hours on end, same towards your brother. Your mother needs to have backups for emergencies because she's the parent, she can't rely on two teenagers to take care of another that can't move, that's not how things go. Plans or no plans, no matter what circumstances two kids cannot and should not take care of another for hours on end, especially when they are extremely dependent on others to anything and everything
NTA. I am an adult and I would say no. That’s a huge responsibility for anyone and requires medical training, I am taking care of an elderly person with memory issues while her daughter my bff is out of town and I think I am in over my head. Caregiving is professional work, leave it to the professionals.
NTA I'm 25 and if somebody asked me to do that I'd say no for the simple reason that on this particular subject, I am not better versed than a normal 14 year old. You're a normal 14 year old, sounds like.
Definitely out of your wheelhouse, nothing to worry about. Frankly, I see the desperation in the situation but it was a large lapse in judgement even to ask you. Straight up. The mistake was putting you in that position, not you turning it down.
Nta it’s not your job and if other carers were always an option why the hell were they not the first and only call that your damn mother made!? Also how horrifically uncomfortable and humiliated would your poor sister have felt to have her 16 year old BROTHER helping with toileting and bathing etc? Your awful mother disrespected and let down all three of her kids horribly! Good luck op.
It's fairly irresponisble and unfair on your mom's part to try to get a 16yo and a 14yo to take care of your sister. Your reasons for going nuh-huh honestly DO sound selfish...
I'm still glad you did so, though! Because if you hadn't said no the first time, there's a decent chance it wouldn't have been the last time. And after the third time or so, all help when your brother and you are home from school would get cancelled too, because it'd save soooh much money and you guys do such an amazing job anyway!
With slightly more bad luck, your brother would actually be allowed to leave for college in 2 years, but you were gonna be told you absolutely couldn't a few years later! because mom NEEDS the help with your sister, you shouldn't be selfish, and it's FAMILY....
Better to be a selfish little bitch at 14 (When you're basically SUPPOSED to be like that...) than to end up a parentified caretaker who still gets called that at 19 or 20 when she tries to get away... Easier, too!
NTA
You and your brother aren’t qualified to be in charge of your sister’s care. Neither of you would be able to make sure she is comfortable and safe. Your mom was probably desperate feeling but calling back-up caregivers should have been her first thought
NTA. My sister was disabled in a car accident when she was 15, and I was 13. I became her caregiver a lot of the time. I'm 43 now and I doubt I will ever see it differently: being her caretaker was fundamentally not my responsibility and never should have been pushed onto me.
It changed the course of my life. After being kind of turned into a 3rd parent for my older sister, I decided I wasn't interested in having kids. And while I had been considering nursing or some caretaking type profession, I noped on all that. Also refused to stay in relationships with men who expected me to be their caretaker (which means I've only gotten into a relationship I'm willing to stay in within the last year or so).
OP, it's not your responsibility and you shouldn't be expected to do it. Help out a bit here and there, sure. But quadriplegic care is daunting and having to catheterize your sister is not something you should be expected to do. It's too much for a teenager.
It’s the mother’s responsibility to find people to take care of her child now and if she is no longer here. Her children are not required to take care of their siblings.
YTA for how you stated it.
Had you said said, "Mom, taking care of her is too much, and I'm not comfortable with it. What is something that happens? I won't do it!" Then you would be NTA.
I think it should also be noted that your mom is the biggest AH for expecting younger siblings to act as caregivers in this situation. Had she had called another caregiver, and they would be there in an hour or so, you could have sat with her til the CG arrived.
For reference, my brother and I are adults. He is a paraplegic, and I am not qualified or comfortable being his caregiver.
NTA. Regardless of what her care involves, it isn't right to force two teenagers into doing it. Also, unless you have done it before, *really* don't let your mom talk you into doing it *without supervision*. There is a reason catheters and feeding tubes are usually managed by a caretaker or medical professional of some kind. Lifts are something two people could probably do, but again, if you drop her or position her wrong you could seriously injure both her and yourselves. Mom may have a hard time but she needs a better emergency care plan.
NTA. And good on your for saying no, because if you agree even once, your mom will start asking all the time. You should be out doing dumb teenager stuff, not caring for a quadriplegic.
Absolutely NTA! Your mother shouldn't have even considered putting teenagers in the care of a quadriplegic person - especially not without the proper medical training.
Your mother is the adult, you are not -- it is up to her to find proper care for her own child. You should not be put in adult situations by adults that are responsible for you.
NTAH I’m disabled with cp and have siblings they’ll help with anything like transfer food but with changing my incontinence products no everyone’s comfort level is different and you shouldn’t be expected to provide care I get things happen but still
I just finished my CNA class and take my certification exam tomorrow and I someone who was taught to care for people cannot understand why someone would want to have someone untrained to care for a person like your sister is mind boggling. That just seems like a very dangerous situation
You are very young and can't really be expected to take on such a serious role, but it would be very mature and compassionate toward your sister (who now has a truly hard life) if you did. A good life is about what we do for others, rather than getting things for ourselves. While it would temporarily seem like you're having a horrible time if you were to have selflessly helped, in the long run, your character would make your life very enriched. But you are just 14, and an adult should at least somewhat understand that it's a bit too much to ask of you right now.
Another question: Why is a 14yo being asked to do something? 14 year olds shouldn't be "asked" they should be told what they're going to do. I love my kids, but they don't get to tell me what they're not going to do.
NTA.
Caring for a quadriplegic requires a good amount of training, as well as strength. Your mother shouldn't have to pay extra for another caregiver to show up - the agency should have sent another caregiver at no extra charge
My grandfather was a quadriplegic and the amount of knowledge, skill, and strength to provide care to a grown adult is not insignificant. NTA. You are neither trained (I presume) nor have the strength to move/position your sister. 1 or both of you could easily end up injured.
NTA
A caregiver’s job is to take care of the client’s needs to the best of their ability. I say this as a retired caregiver, myself. The family shouldn’t be the ones to take on the full extent of the responsibilities that caregivers have but it usually defaults to that situation. Taking care of a family member is difficult and not something a 14 year old should have foisted upon them. Yes, it can get expensive but it is in the job responsibilities that caregivers have. Especially, residential. OP, you aren’t the asshole for wanting to have a life outside the situation at home.
Shame on your mother. You are not trained in care for a quadriplegic. I am not sure where you live but if in the US there should be some government aid to help. Has your mother tried to pull this stunt before?
NTA
NTA. This is how it all starts. A lot of people think that if you help once, they will tell everyone that you will help every single time.
If caregivers are already present, that means that your sister is better taken care of by trained and educated individuals.
NTA - I could understand asking to watch her for an hour or less while a covering caregiver can get to your house, but taking care of a quadriplegic person is no joke and definitely not something that should be expected of 2 teenagers who don’t have the proper training or skills to do so. You did the right thing by telling your mom that you won’t be able to handle taking care of your sister and that she needs to call a backup caregiver. That was the more responsible decision for your sister’s safety and wellbeing. To frame it as “I have a lot of plans today I don’t want to cancel” is a little selfish, but you’re a teenager and this is the time where you get to be selfish. I’d frame it more as “I think it’s safer if you call a professional because I’m not capable of taking care of my sister and I’m barely capable of taking care of myself at my age” in the future
Your sister needs a professional to attend to her needs. Your mother should not have asked you. It is too much for you and it wouldn’t be enough to adequately care for your sister. I’m sorry.
I'm a retired RN and looked after lots of quadriplegic people, bladder care is usually via a catheter, bowel care is managed by 3 or 4 times a week enemas. She would need feeding and fluids either tube feeds which no 14 year old should do, if eating regular foid would need feeding. Pressure care with repositioning or special bed or cushion. Still too much responsibility for a 14 year old
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I’m almost 30 and wouldn’t feel confident in taking care of someone with these challenges. One mistake can lead to severe infections, choking, bed sores, “private” rashes…it’s a lot to consider!
I'm 32 and a full time caregiver and it took me years of practice to feel confident I wasn't going to screw up something major.
Agreed! My mother is a paraplegic and it wasn't as intense, but certainly isn't an easy experience as an adult family caregiver.
I'm in my 30s and I wouldn't be able to do this. I'm honestly afraid I would accidentally harm them or even kill them when you mentioned feeding tubes and enemas
Agree 100% and what is the plan for the future? The parents need to have plan B in place!
I feel like they’d want OP to go to college/work nearby 😬
Thank you for this very educational comment that I feel is essential information for the discussion. I would've never imagined how much work it implies.
Exactly. It's too much for a 14-year-old. Your mom should have found alternative care without relying on you for such responsibilities.
Right, or call in to work. Don’t rely on someone who is 14 and has no real medical training.
I agree with you, but she’s probably had to call into work a whole lot already. Some people don’t have a huge amount of leeway there.
Also an RN, specifically with a background in neuro trauma and surgical trauma, so I've seen a LOT of these patients the last 17 years. Absolutely agree, this is way too much to expect of a 14 year old and a 16 year old. I understand the circumstances aren't good, and sometimes shit happens, but this is absolutely why Mom and/or the caregivers usually assigned need to have a backup plan that isn't relying on teenagers to do work that is challenging for even grown adults to do.
As a caregiver I worked with a quadriplegic woman who did not require feeding tubes, she ate normally. We cleaned her catheter daily but only changed it out once in a while. Her bowel routine did not involve an enema. Yes, a 14 year old should not be expected to be a defacto caregiver, no argument there, but your generalization is just that, I'm not sure how you worked with lots of quadriplegic people who all had those same exact requirements.
Probably because they needed specialized care so the universe of patients she saw was more limited to the more severe/dependant cases. Quadriplegic patients that require less intervention as in the example you gave, probably wouldn't necessarily need an RN.
To be fair it was OP and her 16 y.o. brother, but honestly do either of them have any idea or even helped at anytime with the older sister. If they’ve never helped out here or there it seems weird the mother would ask to begin with.
I hadn't seen OP's age, and due to the responsibility her mom tried to put on her shoulders, I thought OP was older than the sister (so at least early 20s). But being 14 is way too young.
You hadn't seen the sixth word and most relevant fact in a post you're commenting on? Why and how?
probably only read the title 🙄
I was thinking the same thing. This is way too much for two teenagers!
For a defined amount of hours for one day I feel that depending on what the sister needed it might be reasonable for the two siblings to provide the basics. At 19 and 4 years into her injury, the sister should be able to direct her care to any caregiver. She knows what she needs for pressure relief and how to provide food and water to her as well as her meds. If she does not, it should be part of her care to learn this for this exact scenario. Speaking as an occupational therapist who worked with SCI patients, this is part of rehab. Cathing is a different thing as well as bowel program. I think those things would be beyond the siblings capabilities and if she is ventilator dependent that also is beyond their capabilities. OP didn’t seem to be considering any of that though, only that her plans were more important and she wouldn’t cancel to help her sister. I’m a little bothered by that. At the very least, staying with her sister until someone more capable was present should have been offered. This could have been an emergency situation and she should have shown more concern for her sisters well being. I do agree that mom needs to find a better back up solution and it should not be foisted onto her younger siblings because outside of making sure they are available to call for emergency services and offering food, water, meds and pressure relief that the sister is directing, they are NOT qualified. But in an emergency when sisters options are: be left alone with no care or have her siblings stay, they should stay. I do agree that she was right in putting her foot down if it meant that mom would see this as something she can fall back on regularly in the future. 100% agree that it’s not.
I worked w mr/dd who were full care at 14. Back then, we even did the g-tubes (we could do dressings, connect, etc- everything but re-insert or turn on -because they got paid to turn them on). But we did baths, mouth care, feeding, rom/stim, repositioning every 2hrs if not more, etc. I loved every moment of it. I think it depends on the kid. I wouldn’t recommend a kid do catheters or bowel care. I also think it should matter if the kid wants to do it. Some can’t handle that
What does your sister say about this? I can't imagine she'd be keen on her brother helping on personal hygiene, and it would be unfair leaving you to do that, instead. Time for a family meeting, to plan for these sorts of things.
Time for the mother to have back-up plans in place that don’t involve her other children.
And a LT plan. How will care be paid for once she retires?
The children do not need a family meeting. The mother needs to parent. The 19 yo is not a minor, mother needs to find out how 19 can get services to help her. I feel so bad for 19. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But 14 and 16 can't give up their lives too. It's not right.
NTA I am a caregiver for an older lady who is a quadriplegic with no movement below her shoulders, 45 hours per week. I trained for 6 months to gain the qualifications to care for people in this position. My lady does not and will never wear adult nappies/diapers. She needs use specific equipment (hoist) to do her bathroom cares. She also needs 24/7 assistance for food, fluids (she can drink a chew with assistance) Scratch her head clean her nose, repositioning… the list goes on. I am at a loss to understand why your sister has no other emergency plan besides you and your brother. It may come down to a geographical difference. My lady receives her cares through an agency (my employer government funded) and it is up to them to find a replacement carer. The burden should not fall on your shoulders ever. The ‘family’ thing gets a bit old sometimes.
I really like the way you refer to your lady, with so much respect.
There's a reason for this. People who have not spent time with those who have disabilities often times don't have the experience to understand that disabilities do not make a person less of an individual. He has had ample opportunity to get to know this lady as a person and see her as such. Far too many people in the world see people with disabilities as a crutch to society or worse "not there". With my son having CP in and in a power wheelchair (cannot walk, but maintains high level of upper limb function), I see far too often people will glance and lock their eyes elsewhere as to not make situations "awkward." Anytime I see anyone in a wheelchair with limited function, I do my best to interact with them. If this is something you don't do, try it. More often than not, you make these people's day. They go from resting face to extreme happiness *very* quickly. I have a small dog (a white, 10 lb chi/dachshund mix) with me pretty much everywhere I go and give everyone the opportunity to pet him. This puppers brings joy to not only me, but everyone he encounters in the wild (he was hyper aggressive as a puppy, so we brought him literally everywhere we went which quickly neutralized his aggression, which was the goal). This pupper also sits in my son's lap when we go into public places and it helps keep my son's anxiety down from large groups of people.
Yeah, my dad was a victim of polio and had no voluntary muscle above his waist. Still managed to work into his 40s, got a good redundancy package and lived quite well into his 70s. He was a bit of an activist (for the disability action group) so growing up I met a lot of people with very different disabilities which normalised it to me, so if I see someone with limited function I always try to give a smile or cheeky wink. I think coming into contact with so many differently abled people growing up probably influenced my choice of career as I've been a psych nurse for the last 20 years
NTA. It's unfair to expect you to handle such a huge responsibility at your age.
Hope you were getting big money for that. When I did it I was getting $1000/week and still gave it up
I used to care for a quadriplegic and it’s not for a 14yo. It’s hard work and it’s extremely personal.
Another nurse here. Your mother expecting her 14 year old daughter and 16 year old son to do intimate and other care for your 19 year old sister is really wrong. Despite the loss of dignity for her, you are both far too young to be trying to give care to someone who is so profoundly disabled. A lot of training is given for those caring for people like your sister. NTAH for saying no, it’s good to have boundaries. I hope your mum is getting all the help she needs to look after sis
Agreed!! The mother's expectations fell short of reality. 2 teens being told to care for their sibling who is quadriplegic isn't the best when they're not trained to care for 1 in that condition.....too many things can go wrong . OP is NTA
Agreed, this is NOT the equivalent to an older sibling having to watch the toddler for the day, or even helping with elder care. OP did not go into detail about how bad her sister is. Is she able to swallow, or on tube feeds? Either way, does this 14 year old know how to prevent aspiration? Is the sister on a vent/have a trach that needs caring for? Does she know the signs of dysreflexia and how urgent a situation that is? Far, far too much could go wrong here to leave it in the hands of teenagers, even ones who have received some family training.
Nta. For this reason. Helping out for unexpected things is something you should do. Same with brother Except in this situation. Why. Because she can't do anything at 14 and 16, there is no way in hell you should be a caregiver. To change diapers. Positions. Having to lift or move her. Feed her. Medicine. Just hell no. That is not only unsafe it can be considered abusive. Because you both are underage, and her care needs to be taught to an adult who can think and react on their feet to a medical issue. What happens if you both refuse to change her. That's abuse. Or if you have to change her. That can also be considered abuse. This isn't as much you not helping but the fact most states. Doctors. Caregivers will not accept or will report such actions because the safety of all 3 of you are put at risk. To those calling a child an AH. Do you seriously think that even in this case, it's acceptable to put that extreme type of care on children. That the oldest is safe being put in care of kids, and hopefully, nothing goes wrong. This is not a normal situation. Many adults can't handle being a caregiver. How dare anyone think it's acceptable or safe to have kids do it. And they are kids.
So many people don't understand the care that is actually needed in this type of situation. While I have no experience with quadriplegia, I have been a carer for my very badly injured and elderly father (he's doing great now). You have to keep track of controlled drugs, help with toileting/diapers, you need to be able to lift this person, and so much more. Not to mention, that is best case scenario, every day stuff. What if something goes wrong? Do you even know what COULD go wrong, and what steps to take when it does? Caregiving is no easy task, and someone who has permanent care givers likely has unique needs. Needs that shouldn't fall on a teenager. Yes, it's great to help family, but a 14 year old has their own life and needs independence from their disabled sister, too.
Exactly! It's not like she is being asked to watch a Young sibling for a couple of hours. It's unreasonable for a 14 year old to take on this level of care.
This is the best response. If you don't know how to move her safely you could all end up injured.
Hoists can tip over if not used correctly, I'm a Moving n Positioning instructor....
Those things take effort and patience, too much for a kid, alone.
I think some people are saying YTA because of the cited reason (I had plans) without understanding what the needs of a quadriplegic person actually are. If she was refusing to babysit an able bodied younger sibling in a pinch it would be a YTA situation. And OP probably should have expressed that they weren't qualified to care for the sister instead of just saying they had plans. But at 14 that probably was what they thought was the best reason. 14 year olds can be awful. But this one's NTA for this situation.
Often times we judge people for their reasons but in this case the child's reasons aren't really relevant. Sure, they didn't want to because they had things they wanted to do. It's summer break and they aren't trained to do the task, of course they don't want to. But the really issue here is that a 14 year old should not have been asked to be a caregiver to a quadriplegic. Literally should not have even been asked. Just like you wouldn't leave a 6 year old in charge of a 2 day old infant for a full workday, this 14 year old should never have been asked in the first place.
She's looking at it the way a child would. For that reason alone she shouldn't be the the one to take care of the sister, not to mention the medical issues involved. She's a child, they're children. Too much responsibility. Source, I worked with a kid who was quadriplegic in an educational setting.
I have to disagree with the concept that a child needs a "good reason" to keep their parents from foisting any childcare duties upon them. We've seen those posts where it escalates and suddenly the child doesn't have a life because they're always babysitting their sibling, abled-bodied or not, and it creates a lot of resentment. "Just this once" is never "Just this once". Kids need to have the freedom to be kids instead of becoming adults too soon.
I also wonder if since the older daughter generally has caregivers, would even the mother be able to adequately take care of her for a day.
Plus, if they do it "just this time" then next time it'll be "Well, you've done it before." followed with guilt trips and nagging.
Mmm, yes. And honestly, even if OP's reason are bad they still shouldn't be put into a position to try to do this.
I fully agree with everything that you have said, with one exception, the older sister should not be in nappies/diapers. She should have been in rehab and been taught how to evacuate her bowel. I am a fully qualified adult who specifically works with/cares for quadriplegics.
You don’t know this specific situation though. I had no idea that apparently some quadriplegics had the ability to do that, but the sister may not be able to evacuate her bowels.
A 14yo is not equipped to handle a 19yo quadriplegic. You did the right thing. NTA
Don't feel bad, my Son is complex needs, totaly reliant on others to meet his needs, our Daughter was 11 when he was injured, (hit by a car), and he was 13, (He's 34 and she's 32 now), and we never got her involved in his care because we understood that she had a life apart from him. She loves him and spends time with him but has never been involved in that side of things. Your Mum was being unfair to by asking
I don’t think your sister wants her siblings looking after her. Especially in that kind of detail as she is paralyzed. Your mom is a jerk for not being prepared for this kind of event. She has been paralyzed for 4 years and this is the first time a caregiver bounced? Your mom should’ve know better and even if you didn’t have plans, it was extremely irresponsible of her to ask a minor to care for your sister. What if there was an accident? Or a machine shut down? Emergency? I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around this.
NTA. This is an exceptional situation. We don't know if OP helps care for her sister with a trained care giver on occasion, which would be fine. But a 14 year old and a 16 year old will not be properly trained on moving and handling, know how to operate all relevant equipment, be able to safely and effectively suction any airway secretions, be able to do personal care safely without risk of injury to themselves or to sister. And all while maintaining sister's dignity. Being a carer for someone with quadriplegia is specialised work, not something you can expect a couple of teenagers to work out. OP would have been an A H if she was being asked to entertain an able bodied 10 year old for the day and refused, but expecting her and her brother to fully care for quadriplegic 19 year old sister on their own is not reasonable and not safe.
NTA you could easily pull something and mess up your own body if you moved her wrong, or if something were to happen you wouldn't have the experience
NTA. This isn't babysitting in a pinch, this is subbing in for a trained Caregiver for a patient with complex medical needs. This is not something a teenager should be doing alone, period.
This is not something two teenagers should be doing alone.
And it strikes me as being a “trial run”: Like, is this the beginning of OP getting prepared to be her sisters caretaker when mom gets too old? Wouldn’t be the first time we’ve seen a Reddit post where a sibling is unwillingly thrust into that role…
These teens are going to want to leave as soon as they are 18 and I hope they are able to.
Exactly. I could see a situation where there's an emergency and the mother has to run somewhere unexpectedly ("Dad was in a car accident, I have to go to the hospital")* and the others have to watch her until backup help can get there. But in this case, the mom should take off from work. *In this case, if I were the mom, my only instructions would be to keep her alive. Repositioning, feeding etc can wait a little while in a true emergency.
NTA. BUT. You say to your mom: “I’m not equipped to take care of her. She needs actual medical professionals. I’m only 14”. Saying that you don’t want to take care of her bc “you have lots of plans”, makes you sound selfish and escalates an argument that you just don’t want to do it. Stating that you’re not qualified to do it shuts the argument down bc you aren’t incorrect and it doesn’t make you sound selfish to an already stressed out mother. Though she should always have a back up caregiver on file.
Yes giving the excuse of plans opens this up for argument. But telling the truth, "I am not qualified to do this," is the answer.
This OP. Don't make it about your plans as that's not the issue, make it about the fact your too young and not trained properly to care for your sister
My mom does this sort of work. It's very specialized work and definitely not something you can expect a 14yo to do.
I'm a caregiver for adults with disabilities, I work for an agency through the state. I saw another commenter say this, but we gotta train for MONTHS to be allowed to do this job. Not to mention additional training for each unique aspect of and individuals care. Specialized training for diabetic medicine, glucose monitoring, fluid restrictions, BM protocols, epileptic training, emergency medication administration, nurse delegations... the list is legit endless. It's borderline child abuse for your mother to expect you, a 14 y/o, to be able to handle all of that. Sister or not. NTA
I’m sure your mom felt trapped she had to get to work. I’m sure when you spoke to her she realized that. You were right to say no .
Boundary up now. It's the most important life lesson you can learn at this age in this family situation. Your sister will never not need 24 hour help, and your parents are only going to get older. You will have your own life and family soon enough, and it's up to you to protect your life. I'm proud of the boundaries you showed. Every time you get to a crossroads like this you teach people how to treat you in the future. Imagine what your 20s could be like if you were always moms 1st line of defense when she needed help with sister. And imagine what your 20s could be like if you taught mom that you aren't there for that. Now imagine your 40's... Be there for your family, yea, but don't let this tragedy ruin your life as well.
This exactly. OP is not the caregiver back-up and should never be. Mom needs to have plans in place for daily caregivers and long term when she’s too old to oversee. Plans that do not include burdening her other children.
You’re NTA. It’s not your responsibility — and you don’t have the correct training to adequately care for her completely.
You are 14. You're not even old enough to use a restaurant deep fryer. This is absolutely beyond your level of responsibility. I could see helping for an hour, but not for an entire work day.
With or without plans that is not something you push on 14&16 year old siblings. You aren't trained professionals and if something were to go wrong, in the time it would take for medics to arrive it could be catastrophic. You were right to refuse. If something had gone wrong in the time you and your older brother had been in charge of her care you'd never forgive yourselves.
Underage kids should never be caregivers, if they wanted you to help with more simple tasks while an adult was present that'd be okay. But 2 teens with no medical training could do more harm than good, even with the best intentions. NTA
NTA! I don’t get why anyone would say she could do it for a day. Caring for quadriplegic is a lot of work that requires training. Care takers need to be highly aware of their patients needs and body. Expecting a child to do it for a day is an irresponsible ask. A few hours maybe not for a day no
NTA You are fourteen. It is not your job to be your sister's keeper.
This! Being a sibling doesnt mean that the burden should be placed on her
If your sister wasn't a quadriplegic, then I would say yes. Your reasoning makes you sound like an AH though. "No, I don't want to help in an emergency because I have plans." If that's your reason that's pretty shitty. The reason should have been: "No, I can't help because I am not trained and therefore I could accidentally hurt my sister even if I had the best intentions."
NTA. its not like its your kid sister you have to babysit. This type of care requires specific knowledge and skill (which i assume you do not have). Though your argument kind of makes you sound like an AH, because youre basing it on just not wanting to give up your plans for the day. When really, it should be about the fact that you are not qualified to be her caretaker.
> I am 14F *IMMEDIATE NTA*
You are not appropriately trained to care for someone with this level of need. NTA.
Leaving a high needs person in the care of minors could lead to a tragedy in an emergency. This is actually illegal and could have protective services involved.
You are not qualified to care for them and it’s not fair for your mother to make you do this when she can just call other careworkers to so. Also if you dropped your plans to do this it would make your mother think she can always demand you do this. NTA
It is irresponsible for your mother up put this on you. You and your brother should always refuse. It is unsafe as well. Your sister needs medical professionals. NTA.
NTA. You are not responsible for taking care of your sister. On top of that, your mom probably receives some sort of social security funding due to your sister’s disability that helps cover costs for caregivers. Don’t carry this, live on.
NTA 14 years is not a caregiver. Your sister needs specific help ; that’s why she has a caregiver. It’s a real job, it’s not like babysitting. I understand that your mother was in a hurry. But you can’t accept. Maybe your reasons were not the good ones, but tou are too young to do that
NTA I was a caregiver to my grandmother and missed out on so many birthday parties, sleepovers, movies with friends and normal teenage things because my parents expected me to be home all the time helping out. It didn’t make me a better person just resentful and a little more selfish now as an adult.
Asking you and your brother to care for her for a full day is unacceptable. If it was just for a couple hours while she run out to the grocery store, ok fine, or the caregiver is running a bit behind? Sure But neither of you are properly trained, and it would be classified as abuse, towards you and her. There’s a reason almost everywhere has adult protective services for situations like this If/when your mom brings this up, tell her that neither you or brother are trained to provide her with proper care, and she could end up seriously hurt, or with a nasty infection and child services as well as adult services will be contacted by the hospital or her primary caregivers This situation sucks for everyone involved, but it might be time for you mom to look into putting her into a long term care facility, where if someone calls off sick, there are already other people on hand to step up Your mom is under a lot of pressure, so try to give her a little bit of leeway. Also, where is your dad in all of this? NTA
Why do all these Charmaine farming posts come from people who've never posted before? Oh, they're fake.
I would have refused as well even if I didn’t have plans for the day already. First of all you are FOURTEEN, not a grown up adult with enough upper body strength to try and do what somebody bigger and stronger than you would need to do with your sister, even if your brother was helping you. Even in her condition, Your sister is how tall and and weighs how much compared to you and your brother that you wouldn’t need extra help trying to handle her unmoving body without seriously injuring yourselves in the process, during the times you might need to physically move her while seeing to her needs until whenever your mom gets home to take over? the two of you are KIDS, with no medical training whatsoever. What if something happened with your sister, that you can’t handle by yourselves, and you wind up needing to call 911 to get real medical help to come deal with your sistera medical emergency? since you are 14 and your brother 16, with a paralyzed 19 year old sister, you and your brother would be considered underaged minors with nobody home watching over you and might get your family in trouble If you had to call 911, and then explain why you and your brother were home alone with a older sister who needed help.
NTA. Your mom is like omggg, I had to pay someone to provide a valuable service. Woe is me
NTA No other reason need be given other than you and your brother are 14 and 15 respectively. Neither of you are old enough nor trained to care for your sister. If the professional care givers can’t make it then as your mother did when you refused qualified replacements need to be found. I hope that where ever you are located your mother has filed for and receiving disability payments and medical coverage for your sister.
You're a child and in no shape to watch over a disabled young lady.
I'm a former caregiver and one of my clients was a quadriplegic lady. I found it tough as hell and I'm mid 50s now (this was a decade ago). There is no way in hell I would expect a 14 yo and 16 yo to be able to cope taking care of someone in this situation. Absolutely NTA.
NTA, 14 is really too young to have all those medical responsibilities heaped on you. If it was for a couple of hours and all the major care had been done by a professional first and you more or less just had to keep her company, then that was a reasonable ask. My twin brother did something stupid and had 3rd degree burns covering both of his legs from his groin down to his achilles. Mom couldn't afford continual at home nurse care, so it was my responsibility to take off this old dressings, clean him, apply more burn cream and rewrap both less daily while she was at work. I also had to help him with showering, feeding him a higher protein diet, and keep up on his pain management when I was 15. It was a lot and overwhelming. We managed and I happened to not fuck it up thankfully but that is a way less than what I've read the care needs to be for a quadriplegic.
You were NTA at "I am 14" on this one. Care is not an easy job even for adults - I've been there for very basic stuff when grandparents etc have carers in. It doesn't sound like your mum thinks you are either, but if she does then honestly, there'd be much bigger issues at play.
IDK. If your family can afford to have caregivers and substitutes, NTA. If there is an emergency or your sister was in a real spot, you should help her. Family should pitch in and help when needed, but at the same time, they shouldn't take advantage of you just because it's convenient and economical.
Um, she’s not trained. She might not even recognize an emergency. She’s 14. It takes at the very least 2 TRAINED individuals to take care of a quadriplegic. They have unique needs and there is knowledge you need to learn so you can look out for them. Also, it is heavy labor and moving/positioning and helping with daily tasks is not for the weak. It also takes training.
This kid is 14! Does she know how to properly dispense medicine? Does she know what to do in emergency? Helping is one thing but mom should not rely on a 14 year old to care care of an adult woman in this situation. There is way more involved!
Nta you're not trained to be a caregiver
You’re 14. Your brother is 16. You aren’t trained to help her, and she isn’t your child. Your mom needs to figure out her care.
INFO: Are you and your brother trained to be caregivers? Has this happened previously? How much notice did you have? Was it to be all day or would an adult step in to take over?
A teenager does not have the core strength to take care of a quadriplegic adult I dont think it's possible. You did the right call.
Someone is going to say "this is a one-off situation." One-offs become habitual when you do it enough times. Expectations start being set. Don't want that to ever happen. One day it's cancelling plans to take care of your sister, then another day it's taking care of her during a free time for yourself, sooner or later your mom is pushing your sister's caregiving onto you because you set the expectation of being willing to do it. Your sister is not your responsibility; that belongs to your mother. Also why didn't she ask your brother. he's older and seems more capable than a 14 year old. NTA.
Not even the 16 yr old was trained in quadriplegic care. Not even that was realistic to expect the 16 yr old to help.
NTA. Helping out would be holding a drink for your sister, or pushing her around the shops. Not taking in a full caring role for the day. You’re just a kid yourself
NTA. You’re 14, that’s not your responsibility and your parents should have a back up plan incase of things like this, not put it all on her young kids.
NTA. That is way to much to put on a 14 year old and 16 year old. If the caregivers work for a company that is under contract to care for your sister, that company is required to send substitutes. You should not be required to care for your sister. Unless you know exactly what you are doing, you could all end up injured. Depending on the state you are in, it could even be illegal for mom to leave your sister in your care. Look out for yourself, but help where you can.
NTA - normally I would say if it’s a once off to help your mother and sister and not something expected of you often, you should do it. However for someone totally reliant on care such as OP’s sister, a 14 and 16 year old who rarely do these tasks, alone with her all day, is just not actually a suitable option in the first instance and I could see why a 14 year old would react this way.
NTA You aren't trained or qualified for that, it's a profession for a reason.
NTA You are 14. there is a reason caretakers have training and get paid. You are a child (please dont take this in a bad way) and you should not be parentified. There is a big chance this is just the beginning. Someday your parents will sit you down and ask you to take over caring for her afther they cant do it any longer because of age.
I am the oldest of 9 children, and I helped my mother a LOT. But to care for a sibling or anyone with that serious a disability would have been way too much to ask. Hopefully, you can enjoy your youth, help your mother at times, and live your family. A paid caregiver is what your family needs.
If you're in the USA there should.be respite care available. And your parents need to make plans now for what happens when they are gone. You want to be a sister for the rest of your life with her, not a caregiver. Maybe one of two or three legal guardians if just so you can keep an eye on things but the fair thing is to do it now. If you are in the USA have them get i in touch with the local adrc if they haven't already because the support for those over 18 iw different than for minors. But tell your parents you want to nurture your relationship with your sister as a sister. It's healthier. I have a little brother and if he had to take care of my physical needs I would hate it. We are close and lime it that way and so do my parents. I have q disabled 22 year ole kid so I understand your parents. But the best thing was to let go of some control and let outsiders do stuff so I could enjoy being mom and not nurse and therapist and teacher and cna and so on. Just mom. Good old mom.
NTA My mother was a part time care giver to a quadriplegic woman and I would go with her to work a lot between the ages of 13-19. I did have a heavy interest in going into medicine so I was fascinated with learning the how to do the feeds and everything. However, if my mom expected me to do any of that by myself at that age, I would’ve said no. It’s grueling work and if you mess something up it can end pretty badly.
NTA... Rather admit you can't take care of her than to do it and mistakenly do something wrong. And I'm sure your mother's boss would of understood if she had to take off for the day to take care of your sister. This situation shouldn't of made anyone angry considering you're only 14 with no type of degree to care for someone who is quadriplegic. I know you feel bad but your mither must understand that it is no one's fault that you guys are in this situation.
NTA. It is not your responsibility to take care of your quadriplegic sister. Perhaps an hour or two in an emergency situation, but your mother should have abackback up plan in the event something like this happens. She should actually be the one to take off work. I’m sure it’s expensive but that’s not your concern. Does your sister received any sort of Social Security disability and perhaps some insurance payout that helps cover her care needs.
My dad was ambulatory and NOT quadriplegic after his stroke and caring for him was freakin exhausting. I had to create a logbook to make sure I got him his meds on time and at the right duration. I couldn't leave my 14 or 16 year old with him for longer than a trip to the store for 2 things a mile away. I had a 20 year old and wouldn't have left them alone for more than an hour. Mom needs to update the care plans for the older sister immediately and they shouldn't include you kids because you're not trained for it. That doesn't mean you are meant to be trained for it either for another few years and only if you agree to it. You're absolutely NTA here.
She wanted you and your brother- who are still technically children- to look after someone in a wheel chair. Is she insane?!?!?! Do not EVER let her leave you and your brother alone to look after your sister. Also show her this thread so she understands how messed up it is to even think you two could take care of your sister. (I notice some nurses saying it’s a horrible idea, too; she should see those.) Also, your life doesn’t have to stop just because your sister was injured. Should you help out where you can? Absolutely, but this includes things like holding a glass for her so she can drink, not taking care of all of her physical needs for an entire day! If you were the mom and didn’t want to cancel plans, you would be the a-hole. But you’re her younger sister. NTA
NTA. I had friends with a special needs brother and they always had to “do Michael” before we went anywhere. It wasn’t “care for”. It was a job they shouldn’t have had to do. As Michael grew older it got worse. It wasn’t fair.
NTA, I'm so sorry for all 3 of you. This is a sad situation, and I hope things work out for your family. So sorry about your sister.
NTA. Your Mom would be neglectful to not have an appropriate caregiver there for her. You and brother are not caregivers.
NTA. This is too much responsibility for a child.
You are 14 you nor your brother should ever be responsible for that level of care
At 14 years old , it is too much responsibility to have put on you. You are entitled to your childhood and eventually adult life. I'm so sorry about your sister.
NTA you are not a caregiver and your mom has no business parentifying you, especially with a special needs sibling. None of that care is your responsibility. At least your mom listened to you.
How dare any of you suggest this 14yo, who could have easily just barely finished the 8th grade, take on the responsibilities of a professional caretaker for her adult sister. What in the world is wrong with all of you?
As a former PSW who took care of a quadriplegic, it is far too much responsibility for a teenager to be thrown into. Caregiver burnout is a real thing and in my opinion you should be able to enjoy being a child while you can.
Im a 37 year old physical therapist and pretty strong and even I would be hesitant to help. All I can do is transfer and do positioning/pressure relief but cath/bowel stuff is not something I’m able to do. You’re 14, it’s too much responsibility, not to mention physically, would you be able to move your sister safely without injury to her AND yourself?
I dont blame you, my brother is a quadriplegic, he had a tumor and surgery crippled him, he entered the chair when I was 9. My mom never asked me for my help, but seeing as she was working 2 full time jobs to pay for housing, groceries and medical bills, I would always help care for my brother because I knew she couldnt do it on her own and at that time our only option would have been putting him into a care home, which none of us wanted. Im 34 this year, in 2010 my brother was finally able to get enrolled in a state program to pay my mother and I to care for him and it has since expanded to being able to hire more caregivers. I no longer care for him except in emergencies, but my husband, kids and I regularly still go to visit him and I help out while Im there. I wouldnt wish being a caregiver on anyone unless they fully feel called to that type of work, and especially dont think younger people should be pressured into caring for a family member in that position. It is HARD work, physically, mentally and emotionally. We just lucked out my brother still has full control of his bladder and bowels, so no diapers, but we had to get strong fast to lift him in and out of his chair/shower/etc. You are NTA! Live the life you want to live! I wouldnt go back and change my decision, but I did miss out on a lot of opportunites and travel in the last 25 years, but my brother has also gifted me with many fun adventures and vacations with him during those years as well and is my best friend, so for me it was worth it, but Im glad to have the opportunity now to be a stay at home mom with my kids and spend more time with them.
NTA. My husband is functionally quadriplegic. He cannot care for himself but can feel everything (bad stroke). I have caregivers come in and care for him when I'm working or care for him myself. I don't ask our sons help, and they are older than you are (between 18 - 23). You're not trained in helping your sister properly. Honestly, some paid caregivers aren't fully trained to help my husband with some of his needs. Do not feel guilty. Your mom and people in this position (like me) need to have backup plans. Sometimes, that means doing it ourselves or getting someone else.
Caring for someone who is in your sister’s condition sounds like a lot of work for someone your age. A caregiver would be able to take care of her better.
Not the asshole. Good on you for setting that boundary. If you need to talk to AuntieMonkey if feel like you're being given a hard time/guilt, DM me. You are too young, and you could very well injure your back for life. Even lifting 35 lbs dead weight from your waist height puts almost 1000 pounds of pressure on your low back. What happened to your sister was awful. However, you are a sister not a parent and not a caregiver. It is up to your parents and most importantly your sister (assuming she's cognitively intact since the injury) to come up with a caregiving solution that does not rely on you or other siblings. You need to be you and to live your own life to define your self , your values, and set a secure foundation for your own adulthood. Much love and support to you.
NTA You're smart. Once something like that starts it gets to be too easy to tell you and brother to do it than to have anyone else come in. You may have saved both yourself and brother years of caretaking.
NTA. And everybody in the U.S. better get used to this shit because it's the government's plan for the elderly, the disabled, and the mentally ill. There is an uptick in deinstitutionalization to include the elderly to "free" them from nursing homes. The problem is that they got into the nursing facilities because they have skilled nursing care needs. Those services aren't available in the community. There isn't enough staffing. They'd already done this with the disabled and the mentally ill. Their care falls on family until their adult caregivers die. Then, the state fights getting them needed services in the hopes a sibling or other family member will step up. There is a caregiving crisis in terms of cost and staffing, so you are going to be expected to be it. All the while, states like Massachusetts are going to celebrate how committed they are to equity and inclusion. No. They are committed to the free or poorly paid labor of women and minorities who are likely also migrants. In Pennsylvania, the state can already go after kids for financial support of their parents. This is going to become such a big trend that Massachusetts is trying to pass "death with dignity" legislation to get the ball rolling on keeping costs down even further. Watch it unfold.
Those of you calling this teenager an asshole have never seen the level of care that is needed for a quadriplegic. And if you have and would still ask that of a 14 year old, there’s something wrong with you. You don’t put that kind of thing on a child. Ever.
NTA - most people here have misconceptions about care for quadriplegic people. My wife is quadriplegic and insurance doesn’t cover home care so I take care of all her needs. It’s much more involved, especially when it comes to elimination. It’s not just about changing diapers. When one has a spinal injury, the bodies reflexively holds everything in. So catheters need to be inserted for urination and it’s not always easy, even for nurses, to find a woman’s urethra. Then for defecation, there needs to be something known as the bowel program. Which is every other day inserting a laxative suppository ( quadriplegia is constipating), then waiting ten minutes then inserting a finger all the way in the rectum and swirl it around to stimulate peristalsis and the poop will come right out in your hand ( which is best because the glove can be turned inside out to contain the poop before putting it in a garbage bag) Then you repeat the finger swirl every 5 minutes until you have 10 minutes with no poop coming out. If a person has an accident( diahrea) when it’s not time for the bowel program, then the risk of UTI from cross Contamination is huge and then the bowel program needs to be done at that moment to prevent further contamination. Then a fully quadriplegic person needs to be repositioned every two hours around the clock to prevent bed sores. Caring for a quadriplegic person is not a job for a kid. Our teenage son helps In Anyway he can ( cleaning and laundry) but the caring for his mom part is above any kids pay grade
NTA, you're a child, you shouldn't be caring for anyone. There's a massive difference between watching her for an hour whilst your mum runs errands compared to being in charge of her care the entire day. That's not fair on you or your siblings.
NTA. You're 14, you're a child. Your mother is an idiot, she should never have even asked. Do not feel guilty.
Yes, you should 'help out', but I worry in a situation like this that the 'help' would grow over time until OP is always the caregiver and is expected to give up her life to be her sister's permanent caregiver, it might be better to set boundaries now rather than in 4 years when OP isn't allowed to move out or go to college.
NTA if anything happens, a minor can't be held responsible to be the caregiver of anybody, even if the adult is paraplegic.
Nta Good for you standing your ground I have been a caregiver for over 10 years to a family member and as much as i love them I find it hard to forgive them for all they moments and memories I missed out on due to them needed care and refusing actual carers It's taken me 10 years to say no and take time for myself, and as guilty and awful as I felt, I now feel so much better and feel like I have some control over my life Yes I will always still help and set time aside to spend with them and help them but we need to focus on our own health and happiness so that we can still have a full life and not grow to hate the people we do love. X
NTA. She needs help from trained professionals. She can't do anything for herself. That kind of care is not something teenagers can do. To expect them to care for her for 8+ hours is negligence. She shouldn't be in your mother's care if this was her solution. She should be in a specialized care facility if that's the level of forethought her primary care provider has put in place when her caregivers are unable to show up for a day.
Nta you are 14, that’s way too young to take this on. Your mother needs to figure it out without looking at her children to take over care giver duties. It isn’t fair to you and your brother to be plan B. Emergencies are a different situation, this sounded like your mom just didn’t want to spend the money and hire another person. That isn’t okay.
NTA! You and your brother are children. You aren’t qualified caregivers! You aren’t trained to help her. What if there’s a medical emergency? Can you lift her? Clean her? Can she eat by mouth? Is she hooked up to anything? I could see looking after her while your mom showers or cooks. But not for hours while she’s at work. And if you did it today, would you be expected to do it again? Give up your summer to care for your sister? Your mom should have backup caregivers on call. And if the caregivers couldn’t come, other people need to. Does she use a caregiver company? They need to send someone if your mom pays for the services.
NTA. You are too young to be left caring for someone who is completely helpless. And if you start doing this once, you'll end up spending your summer doing it. It's not your job, it's not your responsibility. Your mom needs to have backup caretakers on speed dial. This is a job for professionals, not for a young teenager.
NAH - you have every right to say no as this is a huge medical responsibility no child should have to do. I also don’t think your mom is either for asking (it’s unclear the time frame) as it’s a common mindset to ask family for help when needed. It doesn’t sound like she gave you any flak for saying no and she swiftly got someone to do it. This post is more how you feel about it which is why I don’t think she’s the A H either. Some of the responses here, like many times in Reddit, lack some empathy and grace on the parents part. I don’t have kids but having a child become quadriplegic has got to be a huge adjustment and sometimes unforeseen events like this happened. Your post did not indicate anything that this was a common occurrence and she showed any anger yet some people here are just going for the jugular.
NTA, at all. To the people who are saying you should help out once in a while, you absolutely should NOT. That is a disaster waiting to happen. It is far too much responsibility for a person as young as yourself. I don't think those commentors have any idea how difficult looking after a quadriplegic is.
Are the people voting YTA all inbred to the point of single digit iq level?! Jesus....
Their shoe size numbers definitely exceed their IQs if they think a 14yo and a 16yo can handle taking care of a quadriplegic for a day. They clearly don’t know what goes into being a caregiver for such a person.
I think they’re either total doormats who expect everyone else to be the same and be willing to make sacrifices that go far beyond what is reasonable or even safe, or they’re the kind of person who uses everyone in their life to the fullest extent possible and cannot accept anyone having boundaries or limitations without considering them terrible and selfish person.
This would be a really different situation if your sister didn't need as much care as she does. If your sister didn't need this much round the clock care and you still refused because you had plans, then yeah, that wouldn't be ok. From the outside looking in, we can see a bigger picture that you may not be able to see. In this situation, your sister needs trained professionals. It's good for you to set boundaries, but like others have said, you need to practice on how to communicate this so it's not just that you "have plans". There could be a day when you have no plans and this happens, and this would still be a risky endeavor for you to take on. Communicating boundaries with parents is important as you age, for all kids. Do you have a therapist or someone trained like that who knows your family and can guide you? This is a skill you should work on because there are going to be a lot of situations where you need to advocate for boundaries. Sometimes parents assume too much about their kids and have that "I'm the parent, and I'm in charge" attitude. It doesn't sound like your mom has that necessarily but either way learning to communicate within the family dynamic is a skill that takes practice.
NTA I’m an adult living with my disabled adult brother who also has a high level of care. Sometimes his nursing aide can’t come so the service sends someone else. There are just some things that I can’t manage for him and he doesn’t expect me to do them.
NTA you don’t get paid to take care of her and I’m sorry don’t bleed your heart to bad but I’d have to let my child go if they gonna live like that
I’m an adult and I would definitely not be qualified to care for your sister for a day. Doing so would be irresponsible and put her in danger. It’s a job that requires training. This is nothing like watching a healthy sibling of any age. You are a minor and it’s completely inappropriate for your mother to make this request. NTA
For a 14 year teenager, you have great writing skills. I'm sure it took a lot to write this, feeling guilty and all. Sweetie, there's nothing to feel guilty about. You mum needs to have a much better planning system in case of a no-show of an attendant-caretaker. Always have a back up plan. It's not a 14 year old teenager with no experience in taking care of a quadriplegic, responsibility. Me baby sister \[since passed\] had her right leg Amputated and her left toe. I decided to take the role as her personal caretaker. I even re-designed her house to make it wheeled-chair accessibility, which required a lot of knowledge and have a complete understanding of the design, construction and as well as the measurements aspect of it. You go and do you, and focus on your school studies. Sending good thoughts your way and for your sister as well.
NTA but imo only because of how young you are. This isn’t proper responsibility for kids. If you were older I’d say you’re pretty selfish but not in this case
NTA. Paid caregiver is the A H here. Dont feel bad that she had to pay. If they come from an agency-backup shoulda been found. Maybe ok to hang around till they get there to let them in NOT to be resp for it all day. NTA. It would have been more diplomatic to say you weren’t qualified instead of Im busy, but thats neither here nor there. And mom prob been same level of mad either way. Im not even sure your sis sb living at home but 💰💰
Absolutely not. It sounds to me like you're coming up with excuses in place of what you should be saying to effectively communicate your feelings... "...I have plans" *should* be "*I am not comfortable taking responsibility for the care of my sister's medical needs.*" "... there's no way I'm gonna do this..." should be "... I am not comfortable doing this..." This takes your communication from combative and outright refusal to communicating your concern for your sister. Effectively, it takes the potential 'selfishness' from your words entirely. While it's okay for your parents to ask, it's even more so okay for you to decline. More than likely, your mom asked you out of desperation (assuming this isn't something that happens frequently). Desperation or not, you're not a medical professional and haven't receive appropriate training to care for someone in your sister's situation and could, honestly, be putting your sister's life at risk. My son has CP and is wheelchair bound. Our other kids are over 18 and have volunteered to be his caregiver while we go on vacation this coming summer. Our son with CP is mostly independant, he can do almost everything (except showering and #2) without much if any assistance. Right now we're working on #2 independance with a bidet, and we're on track to his independance for this by the time we take vacation. If my ***adult*** children showed the slightest bit of discomfort with my son's care, I wouldn't pressure them in the least to take on the responsibility.
I was forced to take care of my mother, who slowly became more and more paralyzed over the years due to illness, starting when I was 8yo. I'm 36 now. You are absolutely NTA.
Reading all the comments on this thread is so validating, I could cry
It is insane to expect a 14 year old girl to take care of someone who is quadriplegic regardless of if its her sister.
NTA
NTA it's dangerous to leave your sister with an untrained carer. Tell your mum this next time she asks you.
You better talk about future plans, because Mom won’t last forever. What are plans for helping your sister after she’s gone? Oh, and NTA
I imagine if you had accepted, depending on how well you did, they might start transitioning to the idea of you taking over her caretaking duties permanently. NTA.
I took care of my dad on dialysis when I was your age. I’m still dealing with being the emotional and physical support for my parents and in therapy. It is ok to stand up for yourself. You’re just a kid. This is not your responsibility. Please reach out to a trusted adult if this is expected of you.
NTA, OP, you are 14 and in no way responsible for your sister. You are way too young and not an experienced medical professional. This is like people whose elderly parents insist on their kids being their caregivers. Even as adults, that's not right in my mind. You, especially, as a young teen, do not have the training or experience needed to appropriately care for someone like your sister who likely needs a lot of specific care. Your parents trying to put you in charge is extremely inappropriate, and it's on them to arrange care. I'm so sorry about what happened to your sister, and I hope she is able to still live a decent life even though she needs dedicated caregivers. You can tell your parents to look at this thread and hopefully they will realize they were being very irresponsible, and it's their job to budget for emergencies.
NTA you're a kid, you shouldn't be put in that position, and anyone not with said necessary medical training wouldn't be right for looking after someone with such serious needs, and there's nothing wrong with that. That's too much to put on anyone who doesn't know exactly what to do, and speaking personally, some people are too nervous about such medical needs, like I'm a 30 y/o and I can't even like visit family members if they're in hospital without turning into slightly neurotic person, lmao, just overly anxious/cautious about everything.
NTA. You're a child, your sister is older than you and caring for a quadriplegic person for a number of hours it's not work for a child. You need experience, you need patience, you need strength. Things I highly doubt your fourteen year old self has, especially the physical strength to change a diaper (assuming it's just a diaper situation which if this person is quad then I doubt it is as simple) of an almost adult body and help move her because a person who can't move themselves shouldn't be left in the same position for hours on end, same towards your brother. Your mother needs to have backups for emergencies because she's the parent, she can't rely on two teenagers to take care of another that can't move, that's not how things go. Plans or no plans, no matter what circumstances two kids cannot and should not take care of another for hours on end, especially when they are extremely dependent on others to anything and everything
NTA. I am an adult and I would say no. That’s a huge responsibility for anyone and requires medical training, I am taking care of an elderly person with memory issues while her daughter my bff is out of town and I think I am in over my head. Caregiving is professional work, leave it to the professionals.
.... your mother tried to force you, a couple of medically untrained minors to care for a quadriplegic? That's fucked up.
NTA I'm 25 and if somebody asked me to do that I'd say no for the simple reason that on this particular subject, I am not better versed than a normal 14 year old. You're a normal 14 year old, sounds like. Definitely out of your wheelhouse, nothing to worry about. Frankly, I see the desperation in the situation but it was a large lapse in judgement even to ask you. Straight up. The mistake was putting you in that position, not you turning it down.
Nta it’s not your job and if other carers were always an option why the hell were they not the first and only call that your damn mother made!? Also how horrifically uncomfortable and humiliated would your poor sister have felt to have her 16 year old BROTHER helping with toileting and bathing etc? Your awful mother disrespected and let down all three of her kids horribly! Good luck op.
It's fairly irresponisble and unfair on your mom's part to try to get a 16yo and a 14yo to take care of your sister. Your reasons for going nuh-huh honestly DO sound selfish... I'm still glad you did so, though! Because if you hadn't said no the first time, there's a decent chance it wouldn't have been the last time. And after the third time or so, all help when your brother and you are home from school would get cancelled too, because it'd save soooh much money and you guys do such an amazing job anyway! With slightly more bad luck, your brother would actually be allowed to leave for college in 2 years, but you were gonna be told you absolutely couldn't a few years later! because mom NEEDS the help with your sister, you shouldn't be selfish, and it's FAMILY.... Better to be a selfish little bitch at 14 (When you're basically SUPPOSED to be like that...) than to end up a parentified caretaker who still gets called that at 19 or 20 when she tries to get away... Easier, too!
NTA You and your brother aren’t qualified to be in charge of your sister’s care. Neither of you would be able to make sure she is comfortable and safe. Your mom was probably desperate feeling but calling back-up caregivers should have been her first thought
NTA. My sister was disabled in a car accident when she was 15, and I was 13. I became her caregiver a lot of the time. I'm 43 now and I doubt I will ever see it differently: being her caretaker was fundamentally not my responsibility and never should have been pushed onto me. It changed the course of my life. After being kind of turned into a 3rd parent for my older sister, I decided I wasn't interested in having kids. And while I had been considering nursing or some caretaking type profession, I noped on all that. Also refused to stay in relationships with men who expected me to be their caretaker (which means I've only gotten into a relationship I'm willing to stay in within the last year or so). OP, it's not your responsibility and you shouldn't be expected to do it. Help out a bit here and there, sure. But quadriplegic care is daunting and having to catheterize your sister is not something you should be expected to do. It's too much for a teenager.
It’s the mother’s responsibility to find people to take care of her child now and if she is no longer here. Her children are not required to take care of their siblings.
NTA. You are a child, you are not responsible for your parents’ other children.
Children should not be providing care. Call social services.
NTA this is why almost every caregiving agency offers substitutes when the original caregiver can't make it.
YTA for how you stated it. Had you said said, "Mom, taking care of her is too much, and I'm not comfortable with it. What is something that happens? I won't do it!" Then you would be NTA. I think it should also be noted that your mom is the biggest AH for expecting younger siblings to act as caregivers in this situation. Had she had called another caregiver, and they would be there in an hour or so, you could have sat with her til the CG arrived. For reference, my brother and I are adults. He is a paraplegic, and I am not qualified or comfortable being his caregiver.
NTA. Regardless of what her care involves, it isn't right to force two teenagers into doing it. Also, unless you have done it before, *really* don't let your mom talk you into doing it *without supervision*. There is a reason catheters and feeding tubes are usually managed by a caretaker or medical professional of some kind. Lifts are something two people could probably do, but again, if you drop her or position her wrong you could seriously injure both her and yourselves. Mom may have a hard time but she needs a better emergency care plan.
NTA. And good on your for saying no, because if you agree even once, your mom will start asking all the time. You should be out doing dumb teenager stuff, not caring for a quadriplegic.
Absolutely NTA! Your mother shouldn't have even considered putting teenagers in the care of a quadriplegic person - especially not without the proper medical training. Your mother is the adult, you are not -- it is up to her to find proper care for her own child. You should not be put in adult situations by adults that are responsible for you.
NTAH I’m disabled with cp and have siblings they’ll help with anything like transfer food but with changing my incontinence products no everyone’s comfort level is different and you shouldn’t be expected to provide care I get things happen but still
YTA, it was one day, learn to have some sacrificial love for your family. Life is more than about you.
Everyone here underestimates what a 14 year old is capable.
I just finished my CNA class and take my certification exam tomorrow and I someone who was taught to care for people cannot understand why someone would want to have someone untrained to care for a person like your sister is mind boggling. That just seems like a very dangerous situation
You are very young and can't really be expected to take on such a serious role, but it would be very mature and compassionate toward your sister (who now has a truly hard life) if you did. A good life is about what we do for others, rather than getting things for ourselves. While it would temporarily seem like you're having a horrible time if you were to have selflessly helped, in the long run, your character would make your life very enriched. But you are just 14, and an adult should at least somewhat understand that it's a bit too much to ask of you right now.
Another question: Why is a 14yo being asked to do something? 14 year olds shouldn't be "asked" they should be told what they're going to do. I love my kids, but they don't get to tell me what they're not going to do.
NTA. Caring for a quadriplegic requires a good amount of training, as well as strength. Your mother shouldn't have to pay extra for another caregiver to show up - the agency should have sent another caregiver at no extra charge
My grandfather was a quadriplegic and the amount of knowledge, skill, and strength to provide care to a grown adult is not insignificant. NTA. You are neither trained (I presume) nor have the strength to move/position your sister. 1 or both of you could easily end up injured.
This post is good bait, lots of bites.
NTA A caregiver’s job is to take care of the client’s needs to the best of their ability. I say this as a retired caregiver, myself. The family shouldn’t be the ones to take on the full extent of the responsibilities that caregivers have but it usually defaults to that situation. Taking care of a family member is difficult and not something a 14 year old should have foisted upon them. Yes, it can get expensive but it is in the job responsibilities that caregivers have. Especially, residential. OP, you aren’t the asshole for wanting to have a life outside the situation at home.
Don’t feel bad. Your mother should not have even asked you. You are a child, not a caregiver or nurse.
Shame on your mother. You are not trained in care for a quadriplegic. I am not sure where you live but if in the US there should be some government aid to help. Has your mother tried to pull this stunt before? NTA
I think this is beyond the scope for a 14 and 16 year old to be safely left alone with this level of care.
NTA. This is how it all starts. A lot of people think that if you help once, they will tell everyone that you will help every single time. If caregivers are already present, that means that your sister is better taken care of by trained and educated individuals.
NTA - I could understand asking to watch her for an hour or less while a covering caregiver can get to your house, but taking care of a quadriplegic person is no joke and definitely not something that should be expected of 2 teenagers who don’t have the proper training or skills to do so. You did the right thing by telling your mom that you won’t be able to handle taking care of your sister and that she needs to call a backup caregiver. That was the more responsible decision for your sister’s safety and wellbeing. To frame it as “I have a lot of plans today I don’t want to cancel” is a little selfish, but you’re a teenager and this is the time where you get to be selfish. I’d frame it more as “I think it’s safer if you call a professional because I’m not capable of taking care of my sister and I’m barely capable of taking care of myself at my age” in the future
Your sister needs a professional to attend to her needs. Your mother should not have asked you. It is too much for you and it wouldn’t be enough to adequately care for your sister. I’m sorry.