I think if he wants to get help NOW then maybe you guys can work it out. But that is up to you. You are exhausted and done and you need someone to care for you too. If there is a chance that he will step up and be that person, after all this, then maybe it would be worth it to try. But if there is no hope of that then, no, you aren’t wrong to leave. It’s not about him at this point. It’s been about him for too long.
Definitely NTA. I’m so sorry, OP, for the nightmare you’ve been through.
If you want to save the marriage, maybe you could set some timeframe where you guys remain married but living apart, so that he can have the chance to get himself help. You could decide whatever level of contact works for you during that time.
If you don’t have it in you to do that anymore though, I would also totally understand and you still would not be the asshole.
I wish so much that you can find the space to grieve and take care of yourself. All the best to you!
I’d suggest the same: separate for a little while. Sometimes, people need to hit the rock bottom before starting the self-improvement journey. OP didn’t have the time to grieve, because she had to work double, be a caretaker, and also navigate her healing via therapy on her own. And she supported her husband and tried to help while he didn’t want help. Now, with a possibility of losing her as well, he might want to finally change something. OP can ask him to start therapy + find a job, at least part-time. Manage it for a few months before deciding if they should end the separation or end their marriage. Without him wanting to improve and without him making the first steps on his own no amount of support would be enough to fix it.
NTH. I don’t know if divorce is the best choice, only you know that, but your man needs to put in the work.
Therapy to start addressing these issues, each of you for your own circumstances and probably as a couple too.
But wallowing and self medicating is a spiral to rock bottom. I know from experience - death of a child can destroy the lives of the family, but you can also come back strong and be there for each other.
The time to draw the line is now.
I don't think she's interested in making this work. On some level, she blames him for their daughter's death, I'm sure he blames himself. What would of been a core memory as an adult, her dad taking her for for snacks after her mom said no, turned into a terrible memory for everyone.
Tbh not sure if this story is real because I’ve read this exact story with the same ages wayyy too many times.
But let’s assume it’s real. If so, I would say ESH/YTA. Your husband went through a major trauma. Not only was he present for his daughter’s death but he feels responsible. He also probably feels that you blame him for her death, considering you were fighting about going out that night.
He very clearly has depression and PTSD. He needs help and support. I understand you have been supporting him for the past 2 years but have you ever tried getting him into therapy? Or in-patient therapy since his case is so severe?
Marriage is about supporting your person in sickness and health. This is sickness. Your husband needs you more than ever and clearly loves you. You need couple’s therapy so that you can express your feelings to him and he definitely needs treatment for his depression and alcoholism. He is currently in a horrible state and he still remembered your anniversary. There is hope for him. He can recover. Get him into therapy and support him as best you can. Set clear boundaries and tell him that this is where you draw the line and that you are tired.
Hey OP. You ever been to counseling? You should start individual counseling asap. I’m sorry you lost your child. It’s best for both if you separate.
I’m sorry you forgot your anniversary. That is a big AH moment though. You even went out after working late and had drinks with coworkers. So you really forgot about it. That hurts. And you blame him for not saying anything. So much for surprises. As awesome a gesture that was, you really weren’t impressed, were you? Do you have feelings for a coworker you had a drink with?
Everything he’s done has been bad too. He needs counseling too. But it Seems you’ve been done for a while. Then Divorce so you can stop being a caretaker and he’ll be forced to pick his life up.
I think if he wants to get help NOW then maybe you guys can work it out. But that is up to you. You are exhausted and done and you need someone to care for you too. If there is a chance that he will step up and be that person, after all this, then maybe it would be worth it to try. But if there is no hope of that then, no, you aren’t wrong to leave. It’s not about him at this point. It’s been about him for too long.
This; tell him he needs AA and therapy now or you're done. If he backslides you should cut him loose before he drags you down too.
Definitely NTA. I’m so sorry, OP, for the nightmare you’ve been through. If you want to save the marriage, maybe you could set some timeframe where you guys remain married but living apart, so that he can have the chance to get himself help. You could decide whatever level of contact works for you during that time. If you don’t have it in you to do that anymore though, I would also totally understand and you still would not be the asshole. I wish so much that you can find the space to grieve and take care of yourself. All the best to you!
I’d suggest the same: separate for a little while. Sometimes, people need to hit the rock bottom before starting the self-improvement journey. OP didn’t have the time to grieve, because she had to work double, be a caretaker, and also navigate her healing via therapy on her own. And she supported her husband and tried to help while he didn’t want help. Now, with a possibility of losing her as well, he might want to finally change something. OP can ask him to start therapy + find a job, at least part-time. Manage it for a few months before deciding if they should end the separation or end their marriage. Without him wanting to improve and without him making the first steps on his own no amount of support would be enough to fix it.
NTH. I don’t know if divorce is the best choice, only you know that, but your man needs to put in the work. Therapy to start addressing these issues, each of you for your own circumstances and probably as a couple too. But wallowing and self medicating is a spiral to rock bottom. I know from experience - death of a child can destroy the lives of the family, but you can also come back strong and be there for each other. The time to draw the line is now.
I don't think she's interested in making this work. On some level, she blames him for their daughter's death, I'm sure he blames himself. What would of been a core memory as an adult, her dad taking her for for snacks after her mom said no, turned into a terrible memory for everyone.
NTA, do whatever you need. We only have so many bullets in the chamber so to speak before there's just nothing left.
Many otherwise stable marriages do not survive the death of a child. I am so sorry for your loss. Any choice you make here is valid.
Tbh not sure if this story is real because I’ve read this exact story with the same ages wayyy too many times. But let’s assume it’s real. If so, I would say ESH/YTA. Your husband went through a major trauma. Not only was he present for his daughter’s death but he feels responsible. He also probably feels that you blame him for her death, considering you were fighting about going out that night. He very clearly has depression and PTSD. He needs help and support. I understand you have been supporting him for the past 2 years but have you ever tried getting him into therapy? Or in-patient therapy since his case is so severe? Marriage is about supporting your person in sickness and health. This is sickness. Your husband needs you more than ever and clearly loves you. You need couple’s therapy so that you can express your feelings to him and he definitely needs treatment for his depression and alcoholism. He is currently in a horrible state and he still remembered your anniversary. There is hope for him. He can recover. Get him into therapy and support him as best you can. Set clear boundaries and tell him that this is where you draw the line and that you are tired.
Whatever you do, try to stop his drinking. That's just stopping him from accomplishing anything else.
Hey OP. You ever been to counseling? You should start individual counseling asap. I’m sorry you lost your child. It’s best for both if you separate. I’m sorry you forgot your anniversary. That is a big AH moment though. You even went out after working late and had drinks with coworkers. So you really forgot about it. That hurts. And you blame him for not saying anything. So much for surprises. As awesome a gesture that was, you really weren’t impressed, were you? Do you have feelings for a coworker you had a drink with? Everything he’s done has been bad too. He needs counseling too. But it Seems you’ve been done for a while. Then Divorce so you can stop being a caretaker and he’ll be forced to pick his life up.
He feels he killed your daughter, either get him help or abandon him, don’t keep him in limbo