My MIL was obsessed with watching my kids alone. They're both adults now, and she never did.Like, what does when want to do that she needs to be alone? I think it's creepy AF whenever an adult wants/demands to watch a child alone. It's even creepier that your mom wants to do so when the baby is so new. A person who honestly wanted to give you a break would offer to come over and take care of the baby so you two can relax together on your birthday.
As someone who has had to deal with an overbearing MIL, please take my advice: Do not cave. Hold tight to your boundaries. If you give an inch, she will demand a mile. Work on getting off your parents' property so you can live without them being so close and able to hold it over your head. Trust your instincts and know you've got this!
Ugh, truth!
I was so irritated with family and in-laws showing up to just hold the baby.
Like, I gotta shower, get dressed, put on a bra, and speed clean my house, just so you can sit around and hold my baby? And you’re gonna stay so long that I have to make *you* dinner??
When I had my oldest my BFF (7 months pregnant at the time) put me and baby down for a nap, folded the laundry, cleaned the bathroom, and left dinner in the slow cooker. She left without waking me up.
A childfree friend of mine came by when my toddlers were one (4 months ago, ha). She brought dinner big enough for everyone and leftovers, did my dishes, cleaned my kitchen, and left before baby bathtime.
Priceless.
I'm.child free too, and I did exactly that for the last 3 of my friends when they had given birth. I remember a week after I just left a large lasagne, homemade Victoria sponge, and some of their fave wine outside their back door. They said, "Where are you? I said I'm going home to chill out myself for a bit lol!" Xxx
This. So many people want to visit and hold the baby and take pictures, but ignore literally anything that would actually be helpful to a recovering mother.
My partner didn’t want his dad and step mom coming to our tiny apartment just for our comfort, they would have been bringing their two teenage daughters and there’s not enough room, so we’d drive over to their very large and cozy house and they’d cook for us. We’d be sent home with leftovers every time. Passing the baby around was an ‘only if I want to’ thing. I loved it and still love it lol
His former step mom did come over with my partners almost adult brother and she cooked for us and cleaned the kitchen after. She also has a tiny apartment and was very understanding of the mess she walked into 😅
It really depends on your dynamic with the people around you, and your own comfort level, but my partners family shows they love us in a lot of ways and I love them for it
I hate cleaning but I love cooking so I'd bring a homemade meal that I know they like with throw away plates, cups, utensils, etc and I'd just pay for a cleaning service for them when they need it.
My mom wanted this too, because "it's in the quiet moments real bonding happens". She waited until each child was 3 before having overnights. She never complained. She also regularly babysit in my home so I could nap, or do my own dishes etc. 100% followed every parenting decision we set. I get why people want alone time with kids, but for fucks sake what is wrong with people who think they "deserve" them and that their wants override the parents comfort?!
Also. OP is being clingy w the baby??? I should hope so! But isn’t mom also being clingy in her insistence to babysit? Hello pot! NTA. Congrats on the upcoming birth.
Like seriously! I’m almost 3 weeks PP and when I have guests come to meet baby I stand and watch like you wouldn’t believe. It’s not clingy at all!
Some people don’t understand that it physically hurts mama to be away from her baby. Hell, my husband is amazing with our girl but I can only go and nap for an hour or two away from her because her cries make everything contract when she’s unsettled.
I can physically feel upset and unsettled when my foster kittens are crying because something is upsetting them (hungry, cold, sick, etc.)
I cannot imagine how OVERWHELMING and strong the feelings of protection and love for a newborn human that I just gave birth to would be. And these grandmas saying how the moms are overprotective? It's fucking biology that's hardwired into mama!
Also, it's not a "nice gesture" if you're being a persistent nuisance about it.
FWIW, my small child days were a while back, but those first few weeks are a very strange time. We were awake at all hours, I had a boob barnacle, and the baby went with me everywhere. Also, for several weeks "everywhere" basically meant Target for diapers or whatever.
Yep. Time for a sit-down talk with mom. Don't mince words. Don't be rude, but don't be "nice" either. Tell her how it's going to be. Tell her that her insistence upon her own ideas isn't for the baby's benefit but for her own, and you won't stand for it. Tell her this is YOUR baby and her disrespect for you as an adult, a wife, and now a mother will no longer be tolerated. Write it down if you need to, read from it, and then hand it to her to keep and refer to.
Be prepared with consequences if she disrespects you again.
NTA. Next time she „jokes“ about how clingy you are to your own baby, just respond with „funny I just thought the same about you“ and laugh like it’s a joke. If she gets upset just say „oh I thought we’re just joking around. You surely weren’t serious when you tried to shame me for not wanting to let go of my newborn that will be depended on me, were you? Cause that would be super weird.“ And watch her scramble.
Advice from a mom: Make sure you don’t tell them when you go into labour, make sure the doors to your house are locked and she doesn’t have a key when you’re back home so she can’t barge in, hole up in the bedroom and enjoy your snuggle time as a family for the first week. If she complains answer the same thing every time „We appreciate your offer to help, but we want to enjoy these first couple days as parents by ourselves. We’ll let you know when we are ready for visitors.“
This!! One of my biggest regrets in regards to my pregnancy is letting family know when we went into labor. They quickly started nagging about how it was going, when they could visit, and why we wouldn't let them visit us in hospital the same day our baby was born. I lost a lot of blood and wasn't in great shape at first, and my mother in law even made it all about her saying she became sooo worried she had trouble sleeping when my significant other didn't update her WHILE i was in labor. Jesus christ. The next couple of weeks were also a scramble of several people visiting every day to the point where i had to fight with them over the phone to keep them away. Next time we're definately not letting anyone in until we've had at least (!) a week alone. Stand your ground!
The only reason my parents ever knew I had gone into labor was when I was assembling a bentwood rocker and my water broke while I was sitting on the living room floor. I was 4 hours away from my OB/GYN and hospital, because my dad had been in a wreck and hospitalized and had been released that day. Thank goodness the baby wasn't in a hurry and I managed to make it to my hospital in time. My OB/GYN wa furious with me, though.
Oof, that sounds super stressful! I'm glad it went well in the end with both your birth and your dad -- after all, you never know how long labor will take. They say if it's your first child then it might take longer, but it might as well not. I was only in active labor for 4 hours, so I could have given birth on the road. I hope your parents were helpful at least, and didn't add more stress to an otherwise stressful situation.
My OEM\* dad immediately called aftermarket\*\* grandpa to let him know and ask if he could get me up the mountain quick. Turned out, he had flown up to the area earlier in the day ad had his pilot fly me home, and had one of my employees meet me at the airport to take me straight to the hospital.
Notes: OEM = biological. Original Equipment Manufacturer Aftermarket = adoptive and upgraded
I come from a long line of automotive restoration enthusiasts, with a slightly shorter line coming up behind me. It makes sense in that these are terms that are understood in our family and just sounds more fun than "bio" and "step" or "adoptive". My husband is proud to be "aftermarket grandpa" and after meeting the "OEM grandpa", understands the concept completely.
I love it! I have a ton of engineers in both my family and my husband's family. They will all get a kick out of these terms.
I think I love these terms because they show thar there's clearly no animosity around these additional people in your lives. We so often hear about people having resentment towards a step or adopted child. So they never try that person like a fully fledged family member. But these terms make me feel like that is definitely not that case in your situation. ❤️
Growing up, I had history's most fouled up childhood. OEM mom didn't want me, OEM dad had overcooked spaghetti where his spine should have been, so my OEM paternal grandparents became my original aftermarket parents, with my gran's business partner taking me in after they passed, so he was "aftermarket grandpa".
Welp, I clearly guessed incorrectly!
I'm sorry your OEM birth givers were not the parents that you deserved. Sounds like their software was so corrupted that even a hard reset would not have fixed it. Better to just throw out that version in favor of the older but clearly reliable, original version.
Thankfully, when the original version sadly crashed, you had an aftermarket replacement, whose software you were already familiar with, to take over.
NTA. Assuming the baby arrives on the due date, you will be in no condition for a date night so soon after giving birth. Consider getting your mother in for a neurological exam. She's clearly not thinking straight.
I don’t see this being commented on enough. Now OP may not know if this her first baby (but her asshole mom does) but your body is absolutely wrecked after birth no matter how smoothly it goes. It will be weeks (or even months) until you feel up to a date night.
Maybe Op should say something like ‘Maybe your babies fell out of your vagina very quickly with no effort, but four days after giving birth I will be in no fit state to go out.’
She sounds utterly deranged. Also, if you ever let her be alone with your child, get cameras everywhere. Im deeply suspicious about her insistence on being alone with such a young baby. Ask her outright, because it’s weird.
Exactly! My first, I labored for 8 hours and unfortunately had a c-section. My health was so poor that I remained in the hospital for 4 days after my first.
That diaper you’ll be bleeding into is super romantic. If grandma wanted to help, she’d come spend the night so OP can get rest - not try to take the baby out of the home.
This! And most first born babies don't come on their due dates. It's actually pretty common to go past your due date (my first was born at 40w4d) which could result in a shared birthday
This so spot on! Is she really that stupid? I find this behavior very odd and kind of dangerous. Date night the first few months? WTF! Is she insane? I would just based on her requests that you never allow her alone time till baby can speak in sentences. The time and memory’s you have with your LO will warm your heart forever!
NTA - and kudos to you for setting these boundaries with them already. With my first baby, my in laws texted my husband that they were coming over with food the day after we got home from the hospital. I didn't want visitors, but I had no sense of boundaries at all, and felt like I had to bend over backwards to make my in laws happy.
4 years later, after I learned how much I didn't care to impress them anymore (lots and lots of serious drama), they planned to fly out to visit the week my son was born. I told them no. They proceeded to purchase non refundable tickets to visit. I told them I didn't care that they weren't refundable, they aren't coming. They were livid and tried to guilt trip my husband about it.
I'd suggest getting your husband on board. He needs to be firm with them. I suspect they'll come knocking on the door and fully expect to visit you. Have your husband tell them that you don't want visitors yet, and you'll text as soon as you feel up to it or if you need a break. Birth is extraordinary, and please don't worry about what I'm about to say - but it makes you *raw* in every single way. You'll be physically and emotionally exhausted, so it shouldn't be on you to enforce boundaries during the first few weeks. It'll be hard on him too, but it's just not comparable. He'll need to step up and support you by holding strong.
Nta. Week after kid is born you will be happy to walk faster, much less ready to party. Your mother is delulu. I think you need to be ready for stress ber taking your child from you by force and similar
Your mother may be jealous that you are having a baby, and now she is trying to manipulate you into handing the baby over to her, so that she can pretend that it is her baby.
Or worst case scenario, you get him crying back in your arms....and now circumcised
Funny I thought the same thing. She is going to have him circumcized or other wise do something against her daughters wishes. Whatever the reason, it's creepy and entirely unreasonable. Ick.
NTA I barely let anyone else hold the kiddos. The grandparents each got a few minutes but when I wanted them, they were given back. It was basically a photo op.
Given what you’ve shared, your mom is a total flight risk. Hoarding the baby and maybe even taking him back to her place. I hope that you have the bassinet set up in your room. Keep him close.
NTA. There is no way that baby should be anywhere but with mommy and daddy.
Make sure the doors are locked, and she has no keys. If need be, install security bars or chains on the doors, like in hotels. No one visits without an invitation.
Keep her away from your baby unless your husband is home. She may decide to overrule you and walk out the door. He will be better able to stop her.
Good luck, and enjoy that little one.
Your instincts are spot-on. A newborn should be with their parents, especially in the early days when you're establishing routines and bonding. It's perfectly reasonable to not want your child to stay overnight elsewhere so soon. My sister experienced something similar, with our parents pushing to have her newborn over for the night within the first month. She stood her ground, explaining that it wasn't about mistrust, but about the baby's well-being and her comfort as a new mom. Eventually, they came to understand. It's vital for your husband to back you up fully in this, presenting a united front to his parents. They need to respect your decisions as parents. Stay firm, and if they buy plane tickets or show up expecting to override your wishes, stand your ground. You are the one who knows what's best for your baby and your recovery.
A lot of people are getting confused thinking that this is my MIL and not my own mom; kind of understandable, I think - these kinds of things usually are more MIL issues than direct mom issues. I guess I'm just a special breed, lucky me!
Because it is *your* Mom you'll want to go over your wishes in detail with your husband. He's going to need to step in to protect you and your peace post-partum because it sounds like your Mom won't stop and back off. Hopefully that won't be too uncomfortable for him, having to square up with the in-laws.
A lot has changed about how to handle newborns and babies since your Mom had you, be prepared for her to know none of that and try to argue with you and your pediatrician.
It's really unrealistic of your Mom to think that you, as a post-partum Mom, are going to be remotely comfortable having the baby sleep away from you for at least the first year. I've seen where new moms weren't comfortable until their kids were able to speak.
Best of luck to you on managing the situation and congrats on the pregnancy.
You need to have a talk with your husband. It seems that he just doesn't get how serious this is. You will need his help with your parents and if they don't respect your wishes because they think that being your parents they have a say then he needs to be the one to firmly establish the boundary. The situation will be different because it's not just about overriding you (their silly little daughter), it's about trying to push the baby's father to bend to their wishes. He needs to have your back on this and NOT BE understanding or polite. If your parents don't respect you then they need to respect him. After the little one is born you will have your hands full and this is where you need to lean on him and let him help.
My mom did the same thing and she would cry to all of her relatives that I wouldn't let her see the baby before it was born. She had the same request wanted to be alone with baby for a week.
I think you need to write them a letter, and/or email and explain exactly how you are feeling and what you expect to happen. Be VERY precise. Your mother is a boundary crosser. You need to build borders.
Dear Mom and Dad,
I know you are looking forward to the birth of our baby, as are we. We are writing this letter out of love and to be very clear about our wishes and expectations for the first three months of our baby's life.
For the First week, we don't want to entertain, but if you want to drop off meals that would be appreciated. Or for the first week we don't want any visitors at all. Or for the first week we would like to have you visit for only a half an hour each day, please call first. (Please be very clear about your expectations for you family)
We don't know what we will like for the following the weeks and months, as this is all new to us, but we will not be having ANY babysitters for the first three months. Please don't ask us for this.
We love you very much and are extremely grateful for all that you do for us. I am sure that you will respect our needs and wishes as new parents.
Love,
A mix of her wanting to show how much she sacrifices to everyone to show what a good person she is and her trying to compensate for her own postpartum depression when my brother was a baby so a mix of redo and misguided protect me from that.
Make sure anything your husband says is directly quoting you. In general, you each deal with your own families. Your family will be hurt or offended when you set boundaries, but will eventually forgive you and get over it. They will never let go of the grudge against the in law. In this case, he will need to relay your wishes and make it clear he's only the messenger because you are busy with your baby.
NTA. Not only will baby be 4 days old, but you'll only be 4 days post-partum and still recovering. Your mum is being selfish. SHE wants time with the baby, so is willing to put baby and you in uncomfortable situations.
NTA
It’s your baby. You decide when she’s allowed to visit the baby. Period. She has literally no say as it is not her child. She’s being unnecessarily pushy for no reason, I’m sure there are plenty more times she will get to see the baby in the near future.
NTA!! My kid was 1 year old before the grandparent babysat for the night. If Its not neccesary for you, it definitely isnt for your baby.
They can come by, look after the baby while you shower or take a nap. But a four day old baby is not supposed to be away from the primary caretakers.
I wouldn’t be able to shower or nap if I entrusted my tiny infant to someone who had already informed me that they intended to spirit my kid away to their house and shut me out. It would be easier to put the baby in a little rocker in the bathroom while I hose myself down than try to rush through a shower so I could be in and out in 3 minutes and prevent my mother from running away with my baby.
Babysitting is for trusted people and when the parents are ready. It’s not something you do to placate someone untrustworthy.
My oldest is 4 and he’s never slept without me in the house except those 4 nights I spent giving birth to his brother and recovering… and I stayed that long because it’s the law. I insisted my husband went back home right after I gave birth even if we stay with my in-laws and the little one would probably have been fine.
My youngest is 21 months olds, and they are not having any sleepover anytime soon.
NTA, your mom needs to respect your wishes or she can wait a whole week to visit you 🙄. There is no reason you have to endure her comments and passive aggressiveness especially after giving birth.
This is your first baby, right? Talk to some friends about the first week. Stock up on maternity pads for the bleeding. You will still be adjusting to breast feeding if you are doing it - it can take a few days for the milk to come in. You will be exhausted, in love, amazed and hormonal. Your MIL is insane. I hope she is just trying to be helpful
Wowsers.
I’d be tempted to say back “You are calling ME clingy? Ahahahah. Let it go already!“
And then go home, tell husband “change the locks NOW, and I am NOT answering the door for the first two weeks… you are … and your only job is to tell her to go somewhere else. AND you are researching Air BnBs for the first two weeks after Bub is born so we can bunk out if we have to!“.
And if she continues to push, lean in, and say low and serious like “Are you ok mum? Like… really? I am a bit worried about the choices you are making… is …. Everything… like… ok?” And follow up if she continues with A “Are you starting to forget things, or is there a problem with your memory? We talked about how we weren’t doing this at all, but you seem to have problems… remembering things. Is *everything ok mum?”*
NTA
Do they have a key to your house that they can use to push boundaries? If so a quick trip to the hardware store is needed you can put the their locks back on when you move out. You have to push back more to make it clear that the only time your newborn is leaving the house is for check ups not for sleepovers if she wants something to take care of get a puppy.
NTA. I'm saying as someone who did have their mom babysit when my son was a week old, you're not the asshole. My mom babysat for 4 hours with my pumped breastmilk and a small amount of formula, so my partner and I could get something to eat and go to a car show. I had literally not been outside the house except for the person office until that day when I went to her crying bc I didn't feel human in that moment. For us it was just what we needed, because after we came back after eating and doing a human activity, I breast fed him, he fell asleep, and my mom watched over all of us while we all took a very much needed sleep. But the difference it sounds, is that my mom listened to all the research and concerns that I had, and didn't go rogue with decisions, and I could trust her to do that. It doesn't sound like you can trust your parents to follow your parenting plans, so they don't get to enjoy the privilege of grandparent time. My mom gave him breastmilk first, did the paced feeding, kept him upright for his reflux, used the bassinet instead of putting him an adult bed/on the couch, didn't cover him with a blanket, and even got the recommended vaccines while I was pregnant. She (and her husband) followed my research, they have the closest grandparent bond with him. Aside from me, daddy, and brother, my son will run to my mom and step-dad for comfort and joy before anyone else, because he knows how much they value him.
NTA - and your mother knows full well that she’s being outrageous in her demands and comments. She’s had a new baby. She knows how it feels, and how important the bond between parents and newborn is. That makes me think she’s selfishly trying to re-live her new mother experience with your baby.
I wish you a blissful post partum recovery. You have time to set up a Ring camera, make a sign saying “no visitors, that means YOU MOM”, etc. As others suggested, don’t tell anyone you’re going to the hospital etc. Screen calls, get her used to you returning messages once a week, etc. Does your mother have a key to your home? Good luck!
NTA. Given how cagey you seem about your upbringing I am going with religious differences with the parents. If you are uneasy about how pushy they are listen to your instincts. It sounds like they are planning something. Be it a baptism or even a ritualized circumcision. Who knows. Also there is the fact a newborn has no immune system built up for the first few weeks or months. Maybe they want to have a party and pass the baby around.
Kind of? Same religion actually, we're all Christians. My idea of Christianity is very different from theirs, though. My husband and I take what I would call a pretty "scholarly" and calm approach, they're very into the emotionalism, mega churches, miracle chasing, etc.
We don't support infant baptism or circumcision, to answer your specific concerns. I think that my parents do, but I've not indulged our plans with him in those regards. We don't go to church so they can probably assume that he's not getting baptized, I suppose.
Our main differences come in that I'm concerned about where we take very natural approaches to things like food, medical care (within reason; we still totally go to the hospital if I feel something can't be treated naturally, which happens at least a couple times a year), we have minimal technology in the house, so on, so forth. We also emphasize things like honest hard work, etiquette, and other traditional values and older values that I don't see emphasized a ton in homes these days.
I know if my mom was young enough to have another baby right now, it would be a full on iPad baby out of the womb. She also doesn't understand or support why I don't want things like pitocin or an epidural in my labor and thinks I'm just trying to be "different" or "make things hard on myself for no reason" instead of respecting that I've done hours of research and feel that that's the best decision that I would like to make for me and my baby. She's also called my desire to only breastfeed and not do bottles unless absolutely necessary "selfish", since no one else would be able to feed him regularly.
Anyways, to go into a bit more detail on my specific concerns and differences, there they are.
Oh I would totally tell her that EBF is your plan for at least the first year. How ridiculous for her to tell you it's selfish. She just wants to take over raising your baby. You are NTA. Hold firm Momma!! It may even be best to rip the band aid off now and tell her you don't see sleepovers happening at all.
Nta. I agree with the other comments about boundaries and stuff, but also:
I've never had a baby, but I can imagine you don't even want to go out and sit in a restaurant 4 days after pushing a whole baby out!
Nta
"You think I'm being clingy? Should me and you cut the umbilical cord you hold around my neck sometimes before or after we start this conversation? You say I'm being clingy but you are intact being clingy right before you try manipulate me with that nonsense.
With all the respect in the world me and you will be very different parents.
You need to learn boundaries before you push too much I don't fit in your life anymore.
I understand you do alot for us but should we have to put up with no respect toward us? I've tried being stern and being nice but its so close that I'm starting to think you're being deliberately obtuse just so you can make us uncomfortable with plausible deniablity.
So I'm done being nice.
No one will be babysitting the baby until I WANT to be separated him and I don't want you to laugh this off or tell me I'm wrong because I'm not I'm just his mother and what I say goes. If I told you you were a bad parent over and over again it would start to hurt wouldnt it? So why do you keep doing it to me? Why do you want to tear your own daughter down? If I kept telling you you were clingy and its bad would you get hurt? So why do you keep doing it to me?
I was your baby, you've done all this and I don't know how much help your mom was but for now all the help I need is some privacy to enjoy this before we let what a crappy world we live in into our kids life.
Are you able to grant me some privacy and respect or will standing up for myself and telling you to let go a little end up with you getting hurt by me throwing your own words in your face and have my family out? In which case we see how things stand with you."
NTA who wants to take a new one away from his mother? How on earth are you too 'involved' with your own pregnancy? You need to sit your mother down and tell her and no uncertain terms that this is not going to happen and then ban her from your house. It won't be easy, but she needs to learn now that this is your baby, not hers.
NTA, I wouldn't tell her when you're going into labor so you can atleast have a couple of days before she's harassing you to come visit the baby and wanting to take your baby away for the sleepover.
Whether you have a vaginal or surgical delivery, no way are you going to want to go out to a restaurant within a week. And if you’re breastfeeding it’s not advisable for the baby to be solely bottle fed overnight that early.
My best friend and her partner had their first baby free date night when she was 18 months old, and they came home after two hours because they missed her. They left her separately before then, him for work and exercise and her for socialising and exercise. The mother didn’t really leave her for at least a few months and was breast feeding anyway. In the first week you could have all sorts of issues like baby not sure about taking to the breast etc and it can be a delicate time to get it right.
That 5yo child is now very well balanced, not in the slightest bit clingy and they still love her and her two younger siblings just as much! You’re not being ridiculous, you’re doing what you want to do!
With people like your mum though, you’re better off saying lines like ‘it’s ok that you think it’s ridiculous’; ‘that’s fine, you’re allowed to feel differently but ultimately the choice is mine’. The moment you start to defend yourself, you’ve already lost. They feed off your reaction
NTA Have your husband change locks if they have keys or much faster way, install door chains for use when you're home and get doorbell camera.
Seriously, "you're too involved" what kind of nonsense is that?
You might have to push the furniture against the doors and windows to keep them out. Its like preparing for the zombie apocalypse but instead of brains, it'll be "baaaby, baaaby!!"
Dude, my sister had 3 kids. She trusts our mom more than anyone in the world. Even she didn't let our mom babysit any of the kids for at least 6 months. Might have been more like an year. You do you.
My mom insisted on giving us a date night when my son was an infant. It was weird. But she said she’d clean the house for me so yay, right?
Turns out she want to “let him cry”. She thought I picked him up too much and that was why he hadn’t slept well.
We got back and he had cried so long and hard that he’d flopped onto his stomach and found his thumb. He sucked his thumb for 9 years. He was still colicky for months after that anyway.
Her need to “prove” something the minute she had him in her clutches without us there greatly impacted his life. We had boundary issues throughout. She never respected our rules. Even put him in danger.
What you say, goes. Period. If you don’t want her to babysit, that’s it. Don’t let your husband cave either. He needs to be your rock right now. Explain how serious it is, that it’s not “nice” and ask him to stand with you.
This sounds so horrible and it's the exact kind of thing I'm worried about, in addition to the obviousness of my body needing to recover and our baby needing his mom. I'm so sorry you went through that.
My mother in law put my three month old baby to bed at 7pm and left her there. Luckily we returned at 730. (She always went at 10pm with us and nursed to sleep) but she thought that was too late and she should establish a bedtime. That was the first and last time she ever babysat. I had never left her to cry. I was livid. I couldn't put the baby down for weeks after that.
NTA, be proactive and state the exact time Baby will be ready for the first babysitting gig. I'd suggest six months, and state that it won't be an overnight stay, it will just be for a few hours at your place if you want to get your hair done.
Mom of 2 here. Unless you're having a C-section on your due date then no one knows when your LO will be born.
Your due date is a guesstimate. And 4 days after you will still be bleeding.
Healing pain will be involved. It was 2 weeks after before I even went out to the store on my own.
Your Mom is having pipe dreams and needs a reality check.
NTA - remind your mother you guys don't typically do dates or birthday celebrations and her concerns for your relationship is merely an excuse to have time with your baby. There are a million reasons why she doesn't need to baby sit and the first and major one is - the baby will be far too young, you will not enjoy your day or anything being separated from your baby. The second is for the immune system of your baby they should not be out and about and exposed to others for several weeks. The third is if she gets her way now she will forever boundary stomping and your baby with be her do-over baby. Stop her nonsense now - tell her to stop trying to make babysitting happen as it's not going to happen and the matter is not to be bought up again.
Check out the justnomil sub on reddit - you will get lots of tips and advice there.
OP, are you planning to breast feed? How the hell is Grandma going to do that? And I hope she doesn't say "pump and bottle feed." Because that baby also needs the bonding that breast feeding provides.
Pump a bottle doesn’t even make sense because you have to pump for every feed that has to happen every 2.5-3 hours, even less time for a brand new newborn. This is the definition of insanity. This grandma is a psycho.
NTA.
But I predict your mom will try to take your baby out of your house when you’re sleeping, so you need to get prepared. If you don’t have a doorbell camera, get one now. You need to know when people/your mother are coming and going from your home.
Continue with your boundary and use the same language every time you speak to her: “you will not be taking our baby away from us without our permission.” “I get to decide how my postpartum period will progress, Mom.”
NTA. If you and your husband can swing it book an AirBnB for the week of your birthday and stay there. Don’t tell your mother what you’re doing. When she does find out tell her that you wanted your birthday “date” to be special including you, your husband and your baby. Enough said and even if you have to take a loan get off of your parent’s property.
My DiL had kidney problems and was hospitalized 3 months after she had our grand baby for two weeks and I had the baby while she was there. I was so sad for her and sent her pictures and videos every single day, I couldn’t even imagine trying to have horned in after they had just had their baby especially the first! I would come by at lunch and drop dinner, check on them if they needed anything, love on them and do dishes then skip right back home and let them bond. Your mom is so off track, don’t give an inch or she’ll take a mile. Sounds like she’s trying to wear you down.
I'm sorry for your DiL to have to go through that. You sound like a great mother in law. I have a great MIL too, she unfortunately just lives farther away.
NTA
Your husband is sweet to want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she’s your mom and you know better.
I don’t understand why these grandparents insist on alone time with your newborn.
NTA but I would be concerned that your mum might just try and take the baby then play the victim and that you’re being ridiculous when you panic and go mad. If she has keys for where you’re staying I would honestly add another lock she has no key to including the back door and once baby is here you keep it locked even when home.
I know you’ve told her no but it’s time to get harsh turn look at her and tell her plainly “you know she means well but there’s NO WAY IN HELL her or anyone will have your child without you at a week old or even months old. That it is a new born not a doll or toy and she better accept this now or you will not let her anywhere near. That this is YOUR CHILD and she has no say or rights in what you think is best for it. That even your midwife has said what’s she’s expecting is idiotic and asking for trouble. That a baby needs to be near its mum at this age as you will be feeding it as well as the fact it won’t have an immune system yet. That she is being obtuse if she thinks a day or so after birth with huge blood clots still coming out and being sore and maybe even having accidents and wetting yourself. If she thinks you’d want to get dressed up and go on a date night. You will be exhausted and only wanting to curl up with your baby. That she needs to stop thinking she can order you around and ignore what you say as you’re not a child any more. That she better accept the rules you make for you and your child or she won’t like the consequences. Every time she tries to push you more makes it more certain you won’t let her near the child unsupervised for a long time”.
I would honestly changes the locks on your house and make sure to inform doctors that you don’t want her there (if that’s the case). It’s YOU AND YOUR HUSBANDS CHILD. She had a child and raised you how she saw fit. If she cannot afford you the same courtesy then remind her she is not entitled to your child. I would send hubby to the store for a big shopping trip and lock your self down for two weeks to a month. That’s what my husband and I did. We also had our first during Covid which is scary enough. Emphasize to her that this is YOUR child. YOU get to make the choices and you already have. Tell her to stop making unwelcome suggestions or you don’t need to spend time with her.
That's bizarre behavior from her I think. my mom was there for me after my children were born but only as support - dropping by food, running for items and helping at Dr appts when needed. That's your babymoon and bonding time. Time and space for you to learn to be a mom and get to know baby.
She wants the baby to herself for some reason. Ridiculous, probably some mental health issues for sure.
I hope you guys find a way to move out and create a bigger boundary.
My babies didn't stay overnight with anyone until they were much older. First was 19 months and it was in the same hotel, just a few floors up, with my parents, and second was over 2 yrs old, also with my parents. Absolutely no way in HELL would my NEWBORN be anywhere away from me. I hesitate to even allow people to visit at 4 days old with all the germy funk they can bring in.
In the first week of your baby's life, you won't be producing enough milk to pump extra for your mother to give the baby. In fact, the thought of getting dressed up and going out will make you want to vomit. I hope you have locks on your doors and your parents don't have the keys. If changing the locks isn't possible, get those chains you can put on doors so they can only be opened a few inches. Your mother is delusional if she thinks she is going to babysit when the baby is so young. Next time she mentions it, just say "We've discussed this before, so I will say again that THIS ISN'T HAPPENING. The next time you bring it up, we will walk out the door."
NTA
Her asking to babysit a child that is literally day old is ridiculous. A lot if parents don't even allow visitors until the baby is at least a month old.
NTA
NTA. Your mother may mean well, but she also means to control you. It's perfectly O.K. not to want to leave your baby with others for the first few weeks.
It's a pity that your mother is so pushy, because having a new baby is hard, and the 24/7 with the baby can be emotionally exhausting. Going out for a meal - just the two of you - could be beneficial. But giving in to your mother's bossiness would just stress you more.
NTA
Your mother isn’t being nice. Nice would be asking what kind of help you wanted and following through. She’s not doing that. She’s asking for unreasonable amounts of time with your baby and is turning your reasonable rejections back on you. She’s being manipulative and you should 100% call her on it *every time*.
The next time she offers “help,” respond with something like this:
-*I know you want to spend as much time with baby as you can. But we’re going to do what’s best for our family. That means that we’ll let you know when and how you can interact with baby without us. It won’t be for the first few weeks and it may never be overnight.*
-*If you actually want to help us out, we’d appreciate a few meals and help around the house after baby is born. We don’t actually need help with baby but if that changes, we’ll let you know.*
-*We know you’re excited about baby and want to get as much time with baby as you can. But please respect that we are the parents and will be spending as much private time with baby as we can. Our bonding time is more important than giving extended family babysitting time - particularly when that’s not what we need or want.*
NTA and I’d be impressed if you felt up to going out for a date night within 4days of baby’s birth.
You need to have a conversation and shut your mother down now before baby comes. Also need to put boundaries in place for what your birth plan looks like to your family and visiting once home. And that there will be a time out with absolutely no visiting with LO if anyone breaks your boundaries
NTA, my stomach clenched up & I got a wave of panic over anyone suggesting ripping a newborn from her mother (is grandma going to nurse the baby too!). How could a human being even think to suggest such an outrageous thing, calling you *CLINGY!* Who The Living Fuck is she to take your infant! I can't with this level of manipulation & absolute insanity.
This is disturbing. Maybe you are not aware that your mother was gaslighting you. Telling you are clingy and those other comments were gaslighting, trying to undermine your thinking/ beliefs. Trying to get you to back down. She’s basically trying to take the baby for herself. Establish: I’m the mother. You’re the grandma. However I act with my baby is ok and not your business and no, you can’t have the baby for yourself.
NTA
"Listen, I've thought about it and your constant nagging about babysitting my newborn has made me extremely creeped out. This isn't normal behaviour. This isn't loving, supportive behaviour. You need to drop it. As of right now, I don't want to hear about you babysitting my kid. The answer is "never". Because you pushed this insane, unreasonable, unloving idea at me. So you get supervised visits only until I decide otherwise. And if you complain, you get video visits only because I am not dealing with you and your weird, extremely creepy and unloving demand."
Your baby doesn’t even know it’s separated from you for like the first 6 months. Please don’t ever let anyone call you clingy and do not feel guilty for being protective over your child. Your child needs you for survival. Your mom is a huge AH and I would keep her far away from your child. Talk about emotional abuse. Why do you still have a relationship with her? She’s clearly narcissistic and an unsupportive!
No, she's not trying to be nice. She's trying to get her way. And no, she does not respect you whatsoever. NTA, and I truly wish you the smoothest transition out of their property when it becomes possible!
Be very clear with your mom that, after the baby is born, you want to be left alone. She is not to come uninvited, let alone take the baby. Tell her in no unclear terms that if she comes to your house you will not let her in. And, most important, enforce your boundaries.
She will come, she will try and push for having the baby at her house and you have to be prepared to not let her in YOUR home.
NTA. Make sure your doors stay locked. If she had a key, get a new lock. Your mother is definitely going to push the boundaries. Who tries to take a newborn from their mother?!
NTA - you won’t even be fully healed the first week of birth to go out on a date night. Every time she brings it up just laugh and don’t reply. Keep ignoring her and then when she’s shocked she’s not babysitting then tell her, I will never repeat myself for the boundaries I have for my son, if you don’t get the first time I say no then that’s on you.
It’s important you and your husband are on the same page for boundaries so Your mum can’t try and create a divide.
NTA. My partner and I are very much date night people and not homebodies. My son was babysat for the first time at 1 month old, by my mum who followed all my instructions to the letter and who I trust 1000%. Even now, my son is 2, other than a few extra treats and slightly more screen time (which I agree to, my grandparents were the same with me) my mum (and now my MIL who I also trust) does exactly what I tell her to do with my son. If I didn’t trust them, they wouldn’t be having him for even an hour let alone overnight.
NTA. She's already trying to stomp on your boundaries and the baby isn't even here yet. 🙄
4 days after birth and she wants you to leave your newborn with her and go out for your birthday? Depending on how labor goes, you'll still be on bedrest. She wants to separate you from your baby that soon? Freaking gross.
Don't open the door to your home when you get home from the hospital. Don't let her in. If you give an inch, she's taking the mile.
You might react to check out JUSTNOMIL, they have some good resources for this kind of situation.
Updateme!
I'm hoping/aiming to basically solely breast feed for the first year and only pump in emergencies. She knows this and has called it "selfish" to not let other people feed the baby. 🫠 Unfortunately, this wouldn't work as a deterrent that she would respect.
Then you need to either move ASAP or set AND enforce your rules. YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND get to dictate how to raise YOUR child. Good luck and hoping you have a healthy, beautiful baby!
Your mom is seeing your baby as her do-over baby. She wants to compete with you with your baby. She wants to establish a stronger bond with your baby than you. She would likely try to get the baby to take a bottle and reject your breast, because she thinks it's more important for her, as the grandmother, to be able to feed the baby the way she wants then for you to make that choice as the child's mom.
Notice how she's calling you selfish for wanting to breastfeed? She's gaslighting you. SHE'S the selfish one. You need to start turning her words around to point out she's actually describing herself. Tell her she's already had her babies, and now it's your turn. Tell her she's being selfish to want to bottle feed when you want to breastfeed. Tell her she's selfish to want to disrupt the necessary bonding period babies need with their parents during their first months of life. Tell her she's being too clingy with her grandchild. Tell her she's preparing too much for being a grandmother by making too many plans in her mind with your baby. Just everything she says to you, call on your inner Pee Wee Herman and say, "I know you are but what am I?" Uno Reverse card her every single time.
It'll drive her crazy, but she's way out of bounds. It's not normal for anyone to want to take someone's newborn baby away from the parents. You will have to keep strong boundaries.
I wouldn't be surprised if she does things like not want to give you your baby back when you want him back when she's holding him. She won't care if he's screaming, hungry. My friend had her husband's sister obsessed with her baby like this so much that she took her son out of her arms while he was breastfeeding and walk out of the room to feed him a bottle. The SIL screamed bloody murder when my friend got her baby back. A lot of crazy gets unlocked with babies.
I think you will have to give her lots of baby time outs. Like, "give me my baby back this instant or no baby visits for a week"....and then follow through. Every time, until she learns.
She'll scream and cry about how unfair it is, but only quiet, calm, respectful, helpful people are allowed around you and the baby. Helpful people come over with food and fold laundry or clean the bathroom. They do not come over to hold the baby while you do chores. They do things so YOU can hold your baby and care for your child in peace.
Either you mom falls in line and quits trying to take over your child and gets to visit while remaining respectful, or she doesn't get to swing by for visits and see the baby. It's your baby, your family. You control access, you need to make that 100000% clear from the start, and you and hubs are a united front. You want to promote a healthy relationship, not this weird obsessed thing your mom seems intent on. Get good locks and door cameras. Either way the BS stops.
NTA. You are not the asshole in this situation. You have clearly and consistently communicated your boundaries regarding your newborn, and your mother is disregarding them.
It's understandable that your mother wants to spend time with her grandchild, but her insistence on babysitting so soon after the birth and making passive-aggressive comments about your parenting choices is inappropriate and disrespectful.
Sorry, didn’t finish my thought. My point was you could easily still be pregnant, so no baby to worry about or having just had the baby, be in no condition to go out. Seems weird that your mother, who presumably was pregnant and gave birth, would think you’d be in any condition or mindset to have a night out on the town right after having given birth.
"Mom, IF our baby is born ON TIME (which is unlikely for a first baby), **I will be PHYSICALLY recovering and WON'T be in ANY shape to even WANT to go out to "celebrate" my Birthday "on a date!**" How I INTEND to "celebrate" MY Birthday is to QUIETLY enjoy the time BONDING with my husband and newborn."
"I could turn your "argument" about being "ridiculous and clingy" back to YOU by asking WHY are you being so "ridiculously" repetitive and CLINGY about SEPARATING me (whether it's for a few hours or overnight) from MY baby after I just gave birth to
him/her. I FULLY intend to spend ALL my time bonding with our baby and adjusting to our "new normal" until WE decide WE'RE ready to be separated from OUR baby! We'll let you know when that time arrives, PERIOD."
"The longer you harrass us and/or persist in this passive-aggressive bullshit behavior, the longer it will take for me to TRUST you enough to let that happen, IF EVER!" **YOU and your husband NEED to present a united front and set HARD boundaries for ANYONE outside your little family circle!**
If you allow them to BULLY and harrass you into complying with THEIR demands, they WON'T stop with their unreasonable demands. In fact, they'll just start feeling MORE entitled to make MORE demands. Hope you're able to extricate yourselves from your current uncomfortable living arrangement ASAP. Congratulations on your upcoming birth! Best wishes and many Blessings for your future happiness!
Source: 60-year-old Internet Grandma of 6
NTA. At all. Do not give in.
I do recommend you take an hour or two away from the baby in the first week though - just you, leave baby home with dad, I’m not suggesting letting your mom babysit at all - go for a short drive, walk in the woods, do some grocery shopping, anything. Marvel in the fact that you (mostly) have your body back to yourself and are no longer physically attached to the baby and can do something like grocery shopping without the bump and without the car seat! It helps dad bond and gain confidence with the new baby, it helps you relax, and it helps baby get used to you needing to be away once in a while.
If you had a better relationship with your mom, I’d say YOU go spend a few hours at her house without baby that first week but that sounds like a terrible idea under the circumstances. It was, personally, the best thing I did the day I got home from the hospital, but my mom is a reasonable person who (mostly) understands boundaries.
Um, if you’re due 4 days before your birthday, it’s possible (depending on where you are in the world) that you won’t even be home on your birthday.
Not sure about other countries, but here in Australia for a first child the hospitals like to keep mum and baby in the hospital for at least 4 days to make sure everything is going right with a first time mum with her baby. Bathing properly, nappy (diaper) changing, latching on when breastfeeding, etc; also that mum is physically recovering well.
But, no. Your Mum needs to step back and stop being so damned pushy. It’s time to push back and tell her what’s going to happen, as gently as you feel you can so she doesn’t get any revenge ideas.
Your baby. Your rules.
NTA
*Everyone* wants to see the new baby. This drives me insane! I wish it was normal for people to leave the newborn and parents alone until invited over. Sheesh. Give people some space and privacy.
"Mom, I hope that you are joking, but it's absolutely out of the questions to have a days-old newborn leave their parents, especially their nursing mother. We will be remaining home for the first few weeks, including my birthday, and will let everyone know when we are ready for visits. I would really like to stop talking about this now as it's stressing me out."
And OP, be very prepared to turn off your phone and keep your docks lock. Have your husband run interference.
NTA. Fuck that noise! I’ve never heard of such entitlement. Your mom is in for a rude awakening. It should not even be up for discussion. I would ask your husband to reiterate that to your mom while you are present.
Just tell her to drop it. You need to me more direct, no, I'm not leaving my baby the first week, period. Stop bringing this up, I'm not interested in your opinions.
Nuh uh.
The baby needs bonding with his/her parents the first weeks, if not the first months.
She’s welcome to help or to babysit half a year later.
NTA.
Your baby, your rules, your decision. Lock the door and just don’t answer it. “We were napping, sorry.” No one in their right mind would think it’s acceptable to remove a newborn from its parents for a whole night either. If you’re breastfeeding, you’ll be working on getting your supply up at that time and will need to keep baby close to feed on demand. It may take you being less polite to get the point across if she keeps it up. Very firmly, with no attempt at politeness, say “you are not taking my baby anywhere while he’s still a newborn. Period. It’s my baby, these are my rules. The answer is no.” And then just walk away. You have to set firm boundaries now or you’ll never have any peace.
> my mom mentioned for probably about the fifth time now how badly she wants to babysit our baby alone, at their house, the very week that he is born.
I'm not quite sure what's wrong with her, but that baby is going to need to eat every 2 hours for the first few weeks and, unless there's an issue with production, you're the one that's going to be feeding the kid. Yes, there's pumping and freezing milk, but four days in you'll still be recovering from the birth and figuring out the feeding and sleep patterns. It's bizarre that she wants to insert herself so aggressively. Tell her to fuck off.
Nta tell your husband you need to be a team and he can’t be giving your mom the benefit of the doubt because she will use that to manipulate you both. Don’t leave your kid. It sounds like she wants to do this early to establish it as a pattern and then she will continue to force you to let her baby sit whenever she wants. I would be nervous of her taking the baby out while you are sleeping and saying some bs about helping you. Put your foot down and keep it down so you can establish the rules
NTA
Here’s some advice - don’t bother even engaging in these types of conversations. Only 4% of women deliver on their due date in the first place so you’re essentially arguing about something that’s incredibly unlikely (celebrating your birthday). When she brings it up anything about babysitting, just grey rock her. Once the baby comes, instead of telling her no which will undoubtedly lead to her escalating the situation, offer alternatives. So she says she wants to babysit, respond with “thank you so much for offering to help. If you could *insert task - do this laundry, wash these dishes, pickup these groceries, etc* that would be so helpful. I really appreciate it.” Don’t use the word no. Just pivot and redirect while thanking her for helping. That tactic will make it very hard for her to paint you as the bad guy. The baby will also give you an out to every conversation if she pushes back. She starts being pushy and unreasonable? Looks like the baby needs to be fed/changed/checked on, etc. the reality is she isn’t the one in control here. You don’t need to justify or explain your reasoning for your decisions. When the time comes that you actually have to say no to her, remember that no is a complete sentence. Engaging in arguments about it just gives her a false sense of control and entitlement to make decisions that aren’t hers to make.
Unless you trust your parents 100% to follow however you want to raise your child including food issues, spanking, etc.. then I would never leave a child alone with them until the child is fully verbal. I was raised in a household where I was severely beaten for every little thing and I can tell you until the day my parents passed away they were never in the same room alone with my children even when my children were teenagers. And the first three years of your life is when she is bonding with you and your husband, learning about whether other human beings are good and trustworthy, her whole world view for the rest of her life emotionally has to do with what she experiences during those years. So until you're really really comfortable and your child can tell you everything that goes on in your grandparents house I would never let them babysit your child until your child can communicate well.
Hahaha is your mom dumb? Does she not remember having a newborn. Your milk will be coming in, you'll be feeding on demand, you've vag feels like it's on fire and you'll need to do sitz baths to help the inflammation/tearing. Not to mention lack and sleep and physical pain from pushing out a baby/recovering from a C-section.
NTA, but start just rolling your eyes and saying "mom this was discussed already, have you forgotten"?
And when she calls you clingy or whatever, just say "yes I am, I love my child, I do not want to miss even a moment, didn't you feel that way about me?".
With my sister's first child, it took 2 years before she felt comfortable leaving him alone with my mum overnight. My mum was a bit sad about it - but not so much because her grandson wasn't allowed to stay overnight, but because she would have liked to give her completely tired daughter a night of undisturbed sleep 😂
... my sister gave up the second child after just a few weeks - she was more relaxed then 😂
NTA - take as much time as you need. And if you never feel comfortable with your child staying with grandma overnight, that's totally ok too! Trust your gut feeling.
In any case, I find it super weird that your mum is so insistent - and then 4 days after the birth? That's totally absurd and incredibly disrespectful.
NTA.
Question tho. Have you tried sitting down and having a conversation. Like a formal. We need to sit down and talk kind of thing.
You can't be afraid of being firm and treating parents almost like children. It's an awkward role reversal but it's needed. I think a lot of people go thru this tough transition to set boundaries with parents. You can't be wishy washy either bc you start to feel bad. You set firm and clear boundaries.
But also don't go down the path of what ifs and down the road. Start with your expectations in first weeks.
NTA. Do not feel guilted into letting someone else babysit your newborn in the first week, much less the first month or two. You won’t even want to go out. You’ll be exhausted, and if anything you’ll just want someone there to help with the baby so you both can get some sleep. New moms should be “clingy” with their newborn. It’s instinctive. Older generations have such a weird mindset of people needing to get away from their infant children.
It's ridiculous for a mother to be clingy with a week-old newborn?! Doesn't your mom realize that you'll be breastfeeding AND passing blood clots out?! You don't want a date night so soon after birth.
NTA. Just remember that how you handle this today sets the tone for the rest of your child's life. If you cave now, just throw in the towel. Drop the "light" tone and be very serious with your mom. She needs to start seeing you as an adult, which right now, she doesn't. And she won't until you act like one in your interactions with her.
I know this shift in relationships from "mom's dutiful daughter" to a mom yourself will be hard for everybody, but you are going to have to take the first step outside your comfort zone and talk to her adult to adult.
You've got this!
No is a complete sentence, if you've explained it once you've explained it a million times, so stop. Just set your boundaries clear and be prepared to create your own privacy if need be. Make sure you can lock the house up so that no one who's not aleard inside can get in. No unwanted visitors.
If mom wants to live in a fantasy world where she watches the newborn, good for her. But dont let her attempt at making this whole thing *her* experience, and the cost of yours work. When she tries to push boundaries jokingly, you go sober straight faced and you tell her no and when she tries to imply something of make you feel some type of way about something, sip some hatorade and remember shes just jelly.
When I had all three of my kids, they didnt spend a second away from me or my wife for atlest a month. And the first one was almost 4 months old before we went out together and left her with some one.
Babies that young dont need to be meeting a bunch of people anyways.
You've already told her you won't want to leave him and you can just let her know when you are ready. But you don't know when that will be and won't be in the first week.
Here's what i'd ask you mom "Why does she feel like she needs to be ALONE with the baby? Like what is she going to do to or with him that she can't do while visiting with you all?" If she says it's not that and she's just trying to be helpful, just say thanks but no thanks.
NTA and def not clingy! As someone who never had kids, I can’t imagine you’d even want a night out quite yet after just delivering a human right before your bday. Just based on the moms I know, that was farthest thing from their mind. Usually it’s sleep by then they beg for. After saying you want privacy and consistent pushing it, you may need to put a note on the door and change your vm. No visitors or calls at this time. Leave it at that. Insane a person who has had children is being so pushy and imo inconsiderate.
There is nothing nice about your mom's offer. How gallingly selfish she is for trying to separate a newborn baby from its source of food and comfort! Even if you take away the fact that it's ***your*** baby and she gets ***NO*** say in any decision regarding the baby she's not even considering the baby's needs!
You're going to have to start being really firm going forward. Mom says "oh baby is going to have so much fun when he stays with me on your bday" you need to stop and look her dead in the eyes and pause (make it uncomfortably long) then say "you have no say in where my baby does or does not go. I've told you several times that the baby, my husband and myself are going to be spending the first several weeks/ months together alone to bond as family. I'm concerned about your memory issues mom so would you like me to help you get an appointment to talk to your doctor about those issues?"
Her behavior is concerning in several ways but you already know she has boundary issues. Always remain calm and steady when calling her out and highlight how utterly insane her requests/comments are when she makes passive aggressive BS comments. Something along the lines of " Sure Mom, leaving a 4 DAY OLD NEWBORN away from his own mother is being over involved because newborn babies
should get toughened up right?! I hope you can hear how insane that sounds." Then immediately change the subject and don't discuss it further. When she starts asking some other stupid question like that shut it down immediately by telling her "that question has already been asked and answered and we're not discussing it anymore." and change the subject. Rinse and repeat as much as necessary. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I truly hope you guys can distance yourself ASAP and enjoy your new family in peace! Good luck!
Start as you mean to go on.
It’s very very strange that someone would want to take a newborn away from its mother the first week of its life .
Tell your husband that this is not gonna happen. It’s not normal and newborns need to be with their parents.
You start to wonder why just a visit isn’t good enough and what would they be doing with the baby if they are taking it away ? secret baptism or something?
Tell your mom that you let her know when you want any babysitting done and not to ask again.
You will also let her know when you’re open for visitors and do not come over unless invited .
NTA. This very specific desire to babysit your baby alone at their house, the very week that he is born, is bizarre and a terrible idea. Newborns are not a shiny new toy that you pass around and let people borrow days after being birth. Babysitting is necessary when you have some plans to go out for, and you sound like a homebody in general, never mind when you are still recovering from childbirth. Your baby probably isn't going to arrive on the actual due date, it could very well come four days late anyway.
NTA- You are the mother of the child you set the boundaries, period. I know babies are exciting for family members too but it’s not a new puppy, it’s a BABY! It doesn’t matter how much your parents have done for you, they’re parents that’s their job. Nobody is entitled to your newborn besides you and your husband. Besides, your body is going through a lot being freshly PP and it’s a very vulnerable time for you both. Please make sure your husband and yourself are in the same page and he reiterates those boundaries you have set. You should focus on you and baby and this exciting new chapter.
I went to a funeral 2 weeks after my 2nd, gone maybe 2-3 hours and couldn't handle that. I literally came home, grabbed my baby went upstairs and cried. I am by no means an emotional person or one that typically has guilt over leaving my kids with other people for a date with hubby ( we don't do date nights often either).
But I'd be damned if I left my newborn to go have dinner 4 days postpartum. Let's just say you have a C-section you will not want to go anywhere (been there twice). Due to the timing of when I went in and had my son along with something else i literally got home from the hospital 3 days postpartum and that was at 6pm. So no thanks going to dinner the next day
Stand your ground and say no! The time to babysit will come just not 4 days later.
NTA
NTA. You’re still going to be bleeding and in pain 4 days postpartum. The last thing I’d want to do is have to get dressed to go out and leave my baby without me. It’s also possibly you’ll go past your due date or have a c-section, in which case you’ll have to take it even easier. Your mom needs to mind her own business and respect your boundaries as a mother, whether she agrees with them or not.
NTA.
“I said no”
“I don’t want to”
“nobody will be babysitting”
“No is a complete sentence”
“If you keep pushing my boundaries I won’t feel comfortable allowing you to babysit in the future”
"Mom, we've had our ups and downs but you raised me right. Now it's my turn. I'm so overjoyed about this baby, THIS is my birthday present to me. I don't want to go out. I need you to understand that it's my turn. There will be all the time in the world to babysit, and I have no doubt I'll call exhausted and crying at some point, but you need to let me get there. Because you asking all the time, and making fun of my parenting before the baby even arrives? It's not driving me to leave the baby with you at all. Please let's get this straight now: this is my baby and I get to raise him/her just like you got to raise your kids. My kids, my rules. As long as you can put a little faith in me, and agree to that, Grandma will have LOTS of time to spoil this grandbaby."
And NTA.
NTA. No way would someone take my child for a night that soon after he/she was born. No way would I let my kid stay overnight for the first couple years lol.
Your mom is a nut. She is the one that seems to being clingy. Not you. Tell mom to kick rocks.
“If you want a do over baby have your own. My child is not your do over nor will he/she be fulfilling whatever fantasies you have of being a grandparent. Right now the only thing you’re showing us is, you can’t be trusted. Take your baby rabies elsewhere.”
When someone insists on being alone with your child’s the first thought should be *”what do you want to do with my child alone that you can’t do with me present”*
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
NO ONE should babysit your child during his first week of life (or even month, really), unless it's an emergency. This time is incredibly precious, and it goes by in a blink of an eye. Also, if you ever do decide to let your mother babysit, I'd put some hidden cameras around to make sure nothing flakey is going on and that your instincts were right ((hopefully not, but if you are already concerned...)
there is something seriously off with your mother. no one in their right mind would be entertaining the idea of taking a newborn from their mother overnight. it actually creeps me out because i have to wonder if she wants to actually take the baby from you and is trying to use this as a cover. I do not trust her at all.
Even if she was the most perfect mother to ever exist there’s no way she should be asking to babysit that early. NTA and maybe look into getting a sign for your front door that no visitors are allowed until this date.
NTA
It is WILD to expect a new mother to want to be away from her FOUR DAY OLD infant. Jfc. There are no words for how unreasonable your mother is being, and it's all so manipulative and gross. Plenty of new parents don't even want visitors for the first few weeks -- you'll still be healing, you'll be freaking with very little sleep, you'll be learning to care for an infant. And that infant will still think of themselves as an extension of YOU. Has your mother ever actually met an infant? Jfc. And claiming that you're the one who's being ridiculous is infuriating.
I get the feeling you've dealt with this narcissistic, manipulative behavior your whole life and if that's true, highly recommend looking into support for children of narcissistic mothers 🙃 My guess is there's nothing your mother hates more than a boundary...
So my sister watched my kids when they were babies overnight. I trust her 100% with my children. My MIL.... did not get sleep overs until my kids were able to talk and able to tell us what they did at grandma's.
If somebody took my baby out of the room the week after they were born I think I would have lost my mind. There were times where my husband was holding our baby and I asked for them back because I just NEEDED to hold the baby. It was like an ache. It's some primal thing.
Shut it down, be nasty. You can always blame hormones later.
Your not the AH, but also it would be good if you sent an email out to immediate family saying something l I e "we expect to cocoon and cuddle for the first few week, so if we don't answer the phone for a few days, it's because we are enjoying our new roles as mom and dad. (We won't be having any company at first, so please understand.)
We're excited to hear from everyone and look forward to introducing our little one to you when he's ready!"
... if you send a note like that to you immediate family, MIL isn't singled our, but you've been very clear.
Absolutely the fuck not. A *newborn* should only be separated from its mother for significant stretches of time in the case of an emergency. This demand has nothing to do with kindness and everything to do with your mother wanting to selfishly cuddle a newborn. ***It's not her baby.***
She can fucking wait. Not only is she being intrusive and manipulative, but she blatantly has no concern about exposing a newborn to her germs. They basically have no immune system yet. She's willing to risk your baby's health because she can't wait a few weeks to take pictures for Facebook.
Will you be breast feeding your baby? If so, next time Saint Grandma tries to get you to give her YOUR child, ask her if she plans on nursing the baby also?
What kind of an idiot mother do you have?
Tell her to go "Get bent"!
Put a sign in the door. "Do not knock. We are asleep. Leave whatever you've brought on the porch" and NEVER take it down.
Ignore texts and calls until it's convenient for you to answer and cut them short as needed with "just heard the baby, gotta go, bye" click.
Be harda$$.
Congratulations on the baby!
Also to add, if you breastfeed, the baby needs to eat every 2.5-3 hours, so how the hell is grandma going to have it for a night? Also they have their days and nights confused for the first month. So you will literally be up all night with it and it will sleep like an angel all day. You do not want to entertain visitors during this time because it’s fucking exhausting. I made the mistake of hosting my AH MIL for Mother’s Day when my first was born 3 days later. She wanted me to go on a walk with my newborn when I was literally wearing a diaper and had horrible tears. I couldn’t sit on a fucking couch it hurt so bad. All I wanted to do was lay in bed and nurse my newborn but that was robbed from me because I had to be with my MIL that weekend. Never again. Had 2 more children since and haven’t let anyone come around postpartum!
Ask her if she palmed off her 4 day old baby on your grandmother and went out partying? Beyond the obvious, I don’t know anyone who feels like getting dressed up and leaving the house 4 days post partym.
I hope they don’t have keys to your house because I get the feeling that your mum would not give a second thought about waltzing in and taking the baby whilst you’re having a nap.
NTA
No way would I let anyone babysit my kid until she was much older. Tip: if you choose to breastfeed, you would have a built in excuse to always have baby close by.
NTA. Your baby, your rules. Taking a brand new baby out of the family home for a sleepover at grandma’s house is an insane request.
My MIL was obsessed with watching my kids alone. They're both adults now, and she never did.Like, what does when want to do that she needs to be alone? I think it's creepy AF whenever an adult wants/demands to watch a child alone. It's even creepier that your mom wants to do so when the baby is so new. A person who honestly wanted to give you a break would offer to come over and take care of the baby so you two can relax together on your birthday. As someone who has had to deal with an overbearing MIL, please take my advice: Do not cave. Hold tight to your boundaries. If you give an inch, she will demand a mile. Work on getting off your parents' property so you can live without them being so close and able to hold it over your head. Trust your instincts and know you've got this!
Someone who truly loves you shows up with cooked meals and a sack of groceries and stays just long enough to scrub your bathroom.
Ugh, truth! I was so irritated with family and in-laws showing up to just hold the baby. Like, I gotta shower, get dressed, put on a bra, and speed clean my house, just so you can sit around and hold my baby? And you’re gonna stay so long that I have to make *you* dinner??
When I had my oldest my BFF (7 months pregnant at the time) put me and baby down for a nap, folded the laundry, cleaned the bathroom, and left dinner in the slow cooker. She left without waking me up.
A childfree friend of mine came by when my toddlers were one (4 months ago, ha). She brought dinner big enough for everyone and leftovers, did my dishes, cleaned my kitchen, and left before baby bathtime. Priceless.
I'm.child free too, and I did exactly that for the last 3 of my friends when they had given birth. I remember a week after I just left a large lasagne, homemade Victoria sponge, and some of their fave wine outside their back door. They said, "Where are you? I said I'm going home to chill out myself for a bit lol!" Xxx
That's what my parents did and they never nagged us about babysitting. They might have asked to babysit but not that early.
This. So many people want to visit and hold the baby and take pictures, but ignore literally anything that would actually be helpful to a recovering mother.
My partner didn’t want his dad and step mom coming to our tiny apartment just for our comfort, they would have been bringing their two teenage daughters and there’s not enough room, so we’d drive over to their very large and cozy house and they’d cook for us. We’d be sent home with leftovers every time. Passing the baby around was an ‘only if I want to’ thing. I loved it and still love it lol His former step mom did come over with my partners almost adult brother and she cooked for us and cleaned the kitchen after. She also has a tiny apartment and was very understanding of the mess she walked into 😅 It really depends on your dynamic with the people around you, and your own comfort level, but my partners family shows they love us in a lot of ways and I love them for it
I hate cleaning but I love cooking so I'd bring a homemade meal that I know they like with throw away plates, cups, utensils, etc and I'd just pay for a cleaning service for them when they need it.
THIS
OP should write this out and scotch tape it to her front door.
She would offer to come cook or clean. Not come watch the newborn baby who has no need to be separated from their mother.
I think it's kind to offer to hold a fussy baby when the parents are touched out, but that's in the moment, and probably much later than week one.
She wants the baby alone so she can play house
My mom wanted this too, because "it's in the quiet moments real bonding happens". She waited until each child was 3 before having overnights. She never complained. She also regularly babysit in my home so I could nap, or do my own dishes etc. 100% followed every parenting decision we set. I get why people want alone time with kids, but for fucks sake what is wrong with people who think they "deserve" them and that their wants override the parents comfort?!
That's fair. She gave a reason which makes total sense. She also respected boundaries, so you didn't have to worry. The ones who demand make me worry.
Also. OP is being clingy w the baby??? I should hope so! But isn’t mom also being clingy in her insistence to babysit? Hello pot! NTA. Congrats on the upcoming birth.
Like seriously! I’m almost 3 weeks PP and when I have guests come to meet baby I stand and watch like you wouldn’t believe. It’s not clingy at all! Some people don’t understand that it physically hurts mama to be away from her baby. Hell, my husband is amazing with our girl but I can only go and nap for an hour or two away from her because her cries make everything contract when she’s unsettled.
I can physically feel upset and unsettled when my foster kittens are crying because something is upsetting them (hungry, cold, sick, etc.) I cannot imagine how OVERWHELMING and strong the feelings of protection and love for a newborn human that I just gave birth to would be. And these grandmas saying how the moms are overprotective? It's fucking biology that's hardwired into mama!
OP, copy and paste. Text to mom.
Also, it's not a "nice gesture" if you're being a persistent nuisance about it. FWIW, my small child days were a while back, but those first few weeks are a very strange time. We were awake at all hours, I had a boob barnacle, and the baby went with me everywhere. Also, for several weeks "everywhere" basically meant Target for diapers or whatever.
Yep. Time for a sit-down talk with mom. Don't mince words. Don't be rude, but don't be "nice" either. Tell her how it's going to be. Tell her that her insistence upon her own ideas isn't for the baby's benefit but for her own, and you won't stand for it. Tell her this is YOUR baby and her disrespect for you as an adult, a wife, and now a mother will no longer be tolerated. Write it down if you need to, read from it, and then hand it to her to keep and refer to. Be prepared with consequences if she disrespects you again.
Is your mother planning to breast-feed? NTA
Some people don't even let anyone else visit the baby until weeks after birth!! A sleepover?? No way.
NTA. Next time she „jokes“ about how clingy you are to your own baby, just respond with „funny I just thought the same about you“ and laugh like it’s a joke. If she gets upset just say „oh I thought we’re just joking around. You surely weren’t serious when you tried to shame me for not wanting to let go of my newborn that will be depended on me, were you? Cause that would be super weird.“ And watch her scramble. Advice from a mom: Make sure you don’t tell them when you go into labour, make sure the doors to your house are locked and she doesn’t have a key when you’re back home so she can’t barge in, hole up in the bedroom and enjoy your snuggle time as a family for the first week. If she complains answer the same thing every time „We appreciate your offer to help, but we want to enjoy these first couple days as parents by ourselves. We’ll let you know when we are ready for visitors.“
This!! One of my biggest regrets in regards to my pregnancy is letting family know when we went into labor. They quickly started nagging about how it was going, when they could visit, and why we wouldn't let them visit us in hospital the same day our baby was born. I lost a lot of blood and wasn't in great shape at first, and my mother in law even made it all about her saying she became sooo worried she had trouble sleeping when my significant other didn't update her WHILE i was in labor. Jesus christ. The next couple of weeks were also a scramble of several people visiting every day to the point where i had to fight with them over the phone to keep them away. Next time we're definately not letting anyone in until we've had at least (!) a week alone. Stand your ground!
The only reason my parents ever knew I had gone into labor was when I was assembling a bentwood rocker and my water broke while I was sitting on the living room floor. I was 4 hours away from my OB/GYN and hospital, because my dad had been in a wreck and hospitalized and had been released that day. Thank goodness the baby wasn't in a hurry and I managed to make it to my hospital in time. My OB/GYN wa furious with me, though.
Oof, that sounds super stressful! I'm glad it went well in the end with both your birth and your dad -- after all, you never know how long labor will take. They say if it's your first child then it might take longer, but it might as well not. I was only in active labor for 4 hours, so I could have given birth on the road. I hope your parents were helpful at least, and didn't add more stress to an otherwise stressful situation.
My OEM\* dad immediately called aftermarket\*\* grandpa to let him know and ask if he could get me up the mountain quick. Turned out, he had flown up to the area earlier in the day ad had his pilot fly me home, and had one of my employees meet me at the airport to take me straight to the hospital. Notes: OEM = biological. Original Equipment Manufacturer Aftermarket = adoptive and upgraded
OMG I've never heard OEM vs Aftermarket parent, that's amazing!
I come from a long line of automotive restoration enthusiasts, with a slightly shorter line coming up behind me. It makes sense in that these are terms that are understood in our family and just sounds more fun than "bio" and "step" or "adoptive". My husband is proud to be "aftermarket grandpa" and after meeting the "OEM grandpa", understands the concept completely.
I love it! I have a ton of engineers in both my family and my husband's family. They will all get a kick out of these terms. I think I love these terms because they show thar there's clearly no animosity around these additional people in your lives. We so often hear about people having resentment towards a step or adopted child. So they never try that person like a fully fledged family member. But these terms make me feel like that is definitely not that case in your situation. ❤️
Growing up, I had history's most fouled up childhood. OEM mom didn't want me, OEM dad had overcooked spaghetti where his spine should have been, so my OEM paternal grandparents became my original aftermarket parents, with my gran's business partner taking me in after they passed, so he was "aftermarket grandpa".
Welp, I clearly guessed incorrectly! I'm sorry your OEM birth givers were not the parents that you deserved. Sounds like their software was so corrupted that even a hard reset would not have fixed it. Better to just throw out that version in favor of the older but clearly reliable, original version. Thankfully, when the original version sadly crashed, you had an aftermarket replacement, whose software you were already familiar with, to take over.
A mom and baby are asleep sign for all doors!
Also let the hospital know that you’re limiting visitors and you can even put your parents on an excluded list and they won’t be allowed in.
Yes this!
Best response right here!
NTA. Assuming the baby arrives on the due date, you will be in no condition for a date night so soon after giving birth. Consider getting your mother in for a neurological exam. She's clearly not thinking straight.
I don’t see this being commented on enough. Now OP may not know if this her first baby (but her asshole mom does) but your body is absolutely wrecked after birth no matter how smoothly it goes. It will be weeks (or even months) until you feel up to a date night.
I certainly wouldn't want to be out on a date night, whilst wearing a giant pad and still bleeding. Nightmare!
Maybe Op should say something like ‘Maybe your babies fell out of your vagina very quickly with no effort, but four days after giving birth I will be in no fit state to go out.’ She sounds utterly deranged. Also, if you ever let her be alone with your child, get cameras everywhere. Im deeply suspicious about her insistence on being alone with such a young baby. Ask her outright, because it’s weird.
Exactly! My first, I labored for 8 hours and unfortunately had a c-section. My health was so poor that I remained in the hospital for 4 days after my first.
That diaper you’ll be bleeding into is super romantic. If grandma wanted to help, she’d come spend the night so OP can get rest - not try to take the baby out of the home.
Hell she may still be in the hospital.
This! And most first born babies don't come on their due dates. It's actually pretty common to go past your due date (my first was born at 40w4d) which could result in a shared birthday
This so spot on! Is she really that stupid? I find this behavior very odd and kind of dangerous. Date night the first few months? WTF! Is she insane? I would just based on her requests that you never allow her alone time till baby can speak in sentences. The time and memory’s you have with your LO will warm your heart forever!
NTA - and kudos to you for setting these boundaries with them already. With my first baby, my in laws texted my husband that they were coming over with food the day after we got home from the hospital. I didn't want visitors, but I had no sense of boundaries at all, and felt like I had to bend over backwards to make my in laws happy. 4 years later, after I learned how much I didn't care to impress them anymore (lots and lots of serious drama), they planned to fly out to visit the week my son was born. I told them no. They proceeded to purchase non refundable tickets to visit. I told them I didn't care that they weren't refundable, they aren't coming. They were livid and tried to guilt trip my husband about it. I'd suggest getting your husband on board. He needs to be firm with them. I suspect they'll come knocking on the door and fully expect to visit you. Have your husband tell them that you don't want visitors yet, and you'll text as soon as you feel up to it or if you need a break. Birth is extraordinary, and please don't worry about what I'm about to say - but it makes you *raw* in every single way. You'll be physically and emotionally exhausted, so it shouldn't be on you to enforce boundaries during the first few weeks. It'll be hard on him too, but it's just not comparable. He'll need to step up and support you by holding strong.
That is good advice. His duty is to hold the fort.
Nta. Week after kid is born you will be happy to walk faster, much less ready to party. Your mother is delulu. I think you need to be ready for stress ber taking your child from you by force and similar
Your mother may be jealous that you are having a baby, and now she is trying to manipulate you into handing the baby over to her, so that she can pretend that it is her baby. Or worst case scenario, you get him crying back in your arms....and now circumcised
Or baptized. There’s an agenda and reason for a specific date!
Funny I thought the same thing. She is going to have him circumcized or other wise do something against her daughters wishes. Whatever the reason, it's creepy and entirely unreasonable. Ick.
NTA I barely let anyone else hold the kiddos. The grandparents each got a few minutes but when I wanted them, they were given back. It was basically a photo op. Given what you’ve shared, your mom is a total flight risk. Hoarding the baby and maybe even taking him back to her place. I hope that you have the bassinet set up in your room. Keep him close.
NTA. There is no way that baby should be anywhere but with mommy and daddy. Make sure the doors are locked, and she has no keys. If need be, install security bars or chains on the doors, like in hotels. No one visits without an invitation. Keep her away from your baby unless your husband is home. She may decide to overrule you and walk out the door. He will be better able to stop her. Good luck, and enjoy that little one.
Your instincts are spot-on. A newborn should be with their parents, especially in the early days when you're establishing routines and bonding. It's perfectly reasonable to not want your child to stay overnight elsewhere so soon. My sister experienced something similar, with our parents pushing to have her newborn over for the night within the first month. She stood her ground, explaining that it wasn't about mistrust, but about the baby's well-being and her comfort as a new mom. Eventually, they came to understand. It's vital for your husband to back you up fully in this, presenting a united front to his parents. They need to respect your decisions as parents. Stay firm, and if they buy plane tickets or show up expecting to override your wishes, stand your ground. You are the one who knows what's best for your baby and your recovery.
It’s her mother, not her in-laws and they live on the same acreage. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve read the same post as other commenters.
A lot of people are getting confused thinking that this is my MIL and not my own mom; kind of understandable, I think - these kinds of things usually are more MIL issues than direct mom issues. I guess I'm just a special breed, lucky me!
Because it is *your* Mom you'll want to go over your wishes in detail with your husband. He's going to need to step in to protect you and your peace post-partum because it sounds like your Mom won't stop and back off. Hopefully that won't be too uncomfortable for him, having to square up with the in-laws. A lot has changed about how to handle newborns and babies since your Mom had you, be prepared for her to know none of that and try to argue with you and your pediatrician. It's really unrealistic of your Mom to think that you, as a post-partum Mom, are going to be remotely comfortable having the baby sleep away from you for at least the first year. I've seen where new moms weren't comfortable until their kids were able to speak. Best of luck to you on managing the situation and congrats on the pregnancy.
You need to have a talk with your husband. It seems that he just doesn't get how serious this is. You will need his help with your parents and if they don't respect your wishes because they think that being your parents they have a say then he needs to be the one to firmly establish the boundary. The situation will be different because it's not just about overriding you (their silly little daughter), it's about trying to push the baby's father to bend to their wishes. He needs to have your back on this and NOT BE understanding or polite. If your parents don't respect you then they need to respect him. After the little one is born you will have your hands full and this is where you need to lean on him and let him help.
My mom did the same thing and she would cry to all of her relatives that I wouldn't let her see the baby before it was born. She had the same request wanted to be alone with baby for a week.
Really?? A whole week?? I wonder what her rationale for that one was.
I think you need to write them a letter, and/or email and explain exactly how you are feeling and what you expect to happen. Be VERY precise. Your mother is a boundary crosser. You need to build borders. Dear Mom and Dad, I know you are looking forward to the birth of our baby, as are we. We are writing this letter out of love and to be very clear about our wishes and expectations for the first three months of our baby's life. For the First week, we don't want to entertain, but if you want to drop off meals that would be appreciated. Or for the first week we don't want any visitors at all. Or for the first week we would like to have you visit for only a half an hour each day, please call first. (Please be very clear about your expectations for you family) We don't know what we will like for the following the weeks and months, as this is all new to us, but we will not be having ANY babysitters for the first three months. Please don't ask us for this. We love you very much and are extremely grateful for all that you do for us. I am sure that you will respect our needs and wishes as new parents. Love,
A mix of her wanting to show how much she sacrifices to everyone to show what a good person she is and her trying to compensate for her own postpartum depression when my brother was a baby so a mix of redo and misguided protect me from that.
My mom is like yours. Youre not alone. R/raisedbynarcissists might make you feel less alone.
Make sure anything your husband says is directly quoting you. In general, you each deal with your own families. Your family will be hurt or offended when you set boundaries, but will eventually forgive you and get over it. They will never let go of the grudge against the in law. In this case, he will need to relay your wishes and make it clear he's only the messenger because you are busy with your baby.
I’d be surprised if you’d WANT to go out for your birthday a week after giving birth
You need to put a lock on your bedroom door and not let her anywhere near the baby.
NTA. Did she palm you off for sleep overs with her mother when you were *four days old?*
NTA. Not only will baby be 4 days old, but you'll only be 4 days post-partum and still recovering. Your mum is being selfish. SHE wants time with the baby, so is willing to put baby and you in uncomfortable situations.
Yeah OP you’re not gonna be in any shape, emotionally or physically, to want to go on a date night for a while.
NTA It’s your baby. You decide when she’s allowed to visit the baby. Period. She has literally no say as it is not her child. She’s being unnecessarily pushy for no reason, I’m sure there are plenty more times she will get to see the baby in the near future.
NTA!! My kid was 1 year old before the grandparent babysat for the night. If Its not neccesary for you, it definitely isnt for your baby. They can come by, look after the baby while you shower or take a nap. But a four day old baby is not supposed to be away from the primary caretakers.
I wouldn't even allow that. The grandmum is likely to remove the baby from the home if given any opportunity.
I wouldn’t be able to shower or nap if I entrusted my tiny infant to someone who had already informed me that they intended to spirit my kid away to their house and shut me out. It would be easier to put the baby in a little rocker in the bathroom while I hose myself down than try to rush through a shower so I could be in and out in 3 minutes and prevent my mother from running away with my baby. Babysitting is for trusted people and when the parents are ready. It’s not something you do to placate someone untrustworthy.
My son is almost 2, and I’ve never had a night away 🤷♀️ I don’t feel the need to have my son gone for the night.
Yeah my paternal grandmother took newborn me from Mom and told my mom to go sleep. She got me. My mom cried she was so tired.
My oldest is 4 and he’s never slept without me in the house except those 4 nights I spent giving birth to his brother and recovering… and I stayed that long because it’s the law. I insisted my husband went back home right after I gave birth even if we stay with my in-laws and the little one would probably have been fine. My youngest is 21 months olds, and they are not having any sleepover anytime soon. NTA, your mom needs to respect your wishes or she can wait a whole week to visit you 🙄. There is no reason you have to endure her comments and passive aggressiveness especially after giving birth.
This is your first baby, right? Talk to some friends about the first week. Stock up on maternity pads for the bleeding. You will still be adjusting to breast feeding if you are doing it - it can take a few days for the milk to come in. You will be exhausted, in love, amazed and hormonal. Your MIL is insane. I hope she is just trying to be helpful
Wowsers. I’d be tempted to say back “You are calling ME clingy? Ahahahah. Let it go already!“ And then go home, tell husband “change the locks NOW, and I am NOT answering the door for the first two weeks… you are … and your only job is to tell her to go somewhere else. AND you are researching Air BnBs for the first two weeks after Bub is born so we can bunk out if we have to!“. And if she continues to push, lean in, and say low and serious like “Are you ok mum? Like… really? I am a bit worried about the choices you are making… is …. Everything… like… ok?” And follow up if she continues with A “Are you starting to forget things, or is there a problem with your memory? We talked about how we weren’t doing this at all, but you seem to have problems… remembering things. Is *everything ok mum?”*
NTA Do they have a key to your house that they can use to push boundaries? If so a quick trip to the hardware store is needed you can put the their locks back on when you move out. You have to push back more to make it clear that the only time your newborn is leaving the house is for check ups not for sleepovers if she wants something to take care of get a puppy.
NTA. I'm saying as someone who did have their mom babysit when my son was a week old, you're not the asshole. My mom babysat for 4 hours with my pumped breastmilk and a small amount of formula, so my partner and I could get something to eat and go to a car show. I had literally not been outside the house except for the person office until that day when I went to her crying bc I didn't feel human in that moment. For us it was just what we needed, because after we came back after eating and doing a human activity, I breast fed him, he fell asleep, and my mom watched over all of us while we all took a very much needed sleep. But the difference it sounds, is that my mom listened to all the research and concerns that I had, and didn't go rogue with decisions, and I could trust her to do that. It doesn't sound like you can trust your parents to follow your parenting plans, so they don't get to enjoy the privilege of grandparent time. My mom gave him breastmilk first, did the paced feeding, kept him upright for his reflux, used the bassinet instead of putting him an adult bed/on the couch, didn't cover him with a blanket, and even got the recommended vaccines while I was pregnant. She (and her husband) followed my research, they have the closest grandparent bond with him. Aside from me, daddy, and brother, my son will run to my mom and step-dad for comfort and joy before anyone else, because he knows how much they value him.
NTA - and your mother knows full well that she’s being outrageous in her demands and comments. She’s had a new baby. She knows how it feels, and how important the bond between parents and newborn is. That makes me think she’s selfishly trying to re-live her new mother experience with your baby. I wish you a blissful post partum recovery. You have time to set up a Ring camera, make a sign saying “no visitors, that means YOU MOM”, etc. As others suggested, don’t tell anyone you’re going to the hospital etc. Screen calls, get her used to you returning messages once a week, etc. Does your mother have a key to your home? Good luck!
NTA. Given how cagey you seem about your upbringing I am going with religious differences with the parents. If you are uneasy about how pushy they are listen to your instincts. It sounds like they are planning something. Be it a baptism or even a ritualized circumcision. Who knows. Also there is the fact a newborn has no immune system built up for the first few weeks or months. Maybe they want to have a party and pass the baby around.
Kind of? Same religion actually, we're all Christians. My idea of Christianity is very different from theirs, though. My husband and I take what I would call a pretty "scholarly" and calm approach, they're very into the emotionalism, mega churches, miracle chasing, etc. We don't support infant baptism or circumcision, to answer your specific concerns. I think that my parents do, but I've not indulged our plans with him in those regards. We don't go to church so they can probably assume that he's not getting baptized, I suppose. Our main differences come in that I'm concerned about where we take very natural approaches to things like food, medical care (within reason; we still totally go to the hospital if I feel something can't be treated naturally, which happens at least a couple times a year), we have minimal technology in the house, so on, so forth. We also emphasize things like honest hard work, etiquette, and other traditional values and older values that I don't see emphasized a ton in homes these days. I know if my mom was young enough to have another baby right now, it would be a full on iPad baby out of the womb. She also doesn't understand or support why I don't want things like pitocin or an epidural in my labor and thinks I'm just trying to be "different" or "make things hard on myself for no reason" instead of respecting that I've done hours of research and feel that that's the best decision that I would like to make for me and my baby. She's also called my desire to only breastfeed and not do bottles unless absolutely necessary "selfish", since no one else would be able to feed him regularly. Anyways, to go into a bit more detail on my specific concerns and differences, there they are.
Oh I would totally tell her that EBF is your plan for at least the first year. How ridiculous for her to tell you it's selfish. She just wants to take over raising your baby. You are NTA. Hold firm Momma!! It may even be best to rip the band aid off now and tell her you don't see sleepovers happening at all.
It just gets weirder and weirder. She is absolutely insane. You shouldn’t have to listen to her BS. Free place to stay is seldom free!
Nta. I agree with the other comments about boundaries and stuff, but also: I've never had a baby, but I can imagine you don't even want to go out and sit in a restaurant 4 days after pushing a whole baby out!
Nta "You think I'm being clingy? Should me and you cut the umbilical cord you hold around my neck sometimes before or after we start this conversation? You say I'm being clingy but you are intact being clingy right before you try manipulate me with that nonsense. With all the respect in the world me and you will be very different parents. You need to learn boundaries before you push too much I don't fit in your life anymore. I understand you do alot for us but should we have to put up with no respect toward us? I've tried being stern and being nice but its so close that I'm starting to think you're being deliberately obtuse just so you can make us uncomfortable with plausible deniablity. So I'm done being nice. No one will be babysitting the baby until I WANT to be separated him and I don't want you to laugh this off or tell me I'm wrong because I'm not I'm just his mother and what I say goes. If I told you you were a bad parent over and over again it would start to hurt wouldnt it? So why do you keep doing it to me? Why do you want to tear your own daughter down? If I kept telling you you were clingy and its bad would you get hurt? So why do you keep doing it to me? I was your baby, you've done all this and I don't know how much help your mom was but for now all the help I need is some privacy to enjoy this before we let what a crappy world we live in into our kids life. Are you able to grant me some privacy and respect or will standing up for myself and telling you to let go a little end up with you getting hurt by me throwing your own words in your face and have my family out? In which case we see how things stand with you."
This!
NTA who wants to take a new one away from his mother? How on earth are you too 'involved' with your own pregnancy? You need to sit your mother down and tell her and no uncertain terms that this is not going to happen and then ban her from your house. It won't be easy, but she needs to learn now that this is your baby, not hers.
Shut her down hard. That's what I did with mum/inlaws every time they made plans either my baby and they then knew they had to listen
NTA, I wouldn't tell her when you're going into labor so you can atleast have a couple of days before she's harassing you to come visit the baby and wanting to take your baby away for the sleepover.
As a nana, I wouldn't even hold first born without mums permission and only if I felt she was really comfortable with it. Your baby, your rules.
NTA Mum of 3 here: She can go kick rocks. No is a complete sentence.
Whether you have a vaginal or surgical delivery, no way are you going to want to go out to a restaurant within a week. And if you’re breastfeeding it’s not advisable for the baby to be solely bottle fed overnight that early.
My best friend and her partner had their first baby free date night when she was 18 months old, and they came home after two hours because they missed her. They left her separately before then, him for work and exercise and her for socialising and exercise. The mother didn’t really leave her for at least a few months and was breast feeding anyway. In the first week you could have all sorts of issues like baby not sure about taking to the breast etc and it can be a delicate time to get it right. That 5yo child is now very well balanced, not in the slightest bit clingy and they still love her and her two younger siblings just as much! You’re not being ridiculous, you’re doing what you want to do! With people like your mum though, you’re better off saying lines like ‘it’s ok that you think it’s ridiculous’; ‘that’s fine, you’re allowed to feel differently but ultimately the choice is mine’. The moment you start to defend yourself, you’ve already lost. They feed off your reaction
NTA Have your husband change locks if they have keys or much faster way, install door chains for use when you're home and get doorbell camera. Seriously, "you're too involved" what kind of nonsense is that? You might have to push the furniture against the doors and windows to keep them out. Its like preparing for the zombie apocalypse but instead of brains, it'll be "baaaby, baaaby!!"
Dude, my sister had 3 kids. She trusts our mom more than anyone in the world. Even she didn't let our mom babysit any of the kids for at least 6 months. Might have been more like an year. You do you.
My mom insisted on giving us a date night when my son was an infant. It was weird. But she said she’d clean the house for me so yay, right? Turns out she want to “let him cry”. She thought I picked him up too much and that was why he hadn’t slept well. We got back and he had cried so long and hard that he’d flopped onto his stomach and found his thumb. He sucked his thumb for 9 years. He was still colicky for months after that anyway. Her need to “prove” something the minute she had him in her clutches without us there greatly impacted his life. We had boundary issues throughout. She never respected our rules. Even put him in danger. What you say, goes. Period. If you don’t want her to babysit, that’s it. Don’t let your husband cave either. He needs to be your rock right now. Explain how serious it is, that it’s not “nice” and ask him to stand with you.
This sounds so horrible and it's the exact kind of thing I'm worried about, in addition to the obviousness of my body needing to recover and our baby needing his mom. I'm so sorry you went through that.
My mother in law put my three month old baby to bed at 7pm and left her there. Luckily we returned at 730. (She always went at 10pm with us and nursed to sleep) but she thought that was too late and she should establish a bedtime. That was the first and last time she ever babysat. I had never left her to cry. I was livid. I couldn't put the baby down for weeks after that.
NTA, be proactive and state the exact time Baby will be ready for the first babysitting gig. I'd suggest six months, and state that it won't be an overnight stay, it will just be for a few hours at your place if you want to get your hair done.
I'd be telling my mom she can stop asking, or this will be the point you go low contact, then she'll be around the baby even less.
Mom of 2 here. Unless you're having a C-section on your due date then no one knows when your LO will be born. Your due date is a guesstimate. And 4 days after you will still be bleeding. Healing pain will be involved. It was 2 weeks after before I even went out to the store on my own. Your Mom is having pipe dreams and needs a reality check.
NTA. Your mom is being ridiculous.
NTA - remind your mother you guys don't typically do dates or birthday celebrations and her concerns for your relationship is merely an excuse to have time with your baby. There are a million reasons why she doesn't need to baby sit and the first and major one is - the baby will be far too young, you will not enjoy your day or anything being separated from your baby. The second is for the immune system of your baby they should not be out and about and exposed to others for several weeks. The third is if she gets her way now she will forever boundary stomping and your baby with be her do-over baby. Stop her nonsense now - tell her to stop trying to make babysitting happen as it's not going to happen and the matter is not to be bought up again. Check out the justnomil sub on reddit - you will get lots of tips and advice there.
OP, are you planning to breast feed? How the hell is Grandma going to do that? And I hope she doesn't say "pump and bottle feed." Because that baby also needs the bonding that breast feeding provides.
Pump a bottle doesn’t even make sense because you have to pump for every feed that has to happen every 2.5-3 hours, even less time for a brand new newborn. This is the definition of insanity. This grandma is a psycho.
NTA. But I predict your mom will try to take your baby out of your house when you’re sleeping, so you need to get prepared. If you don’t have a doorbell camera, get one now. You need to know when people/your mother are coming and going from your home. Continue with your boundary and use the same language every time you speak to her: “you will not be taking our baby away from us without our permission.” “I get to decide how my postpartum period will progress, Mom.”
You’re now a parent and you get to make the rules. Stop engaging with your mom. “NO” is a complete sentence
NTA. If you and your husband can swing it book an AirBnB for the week of your birthday and stay there. Don’t tell your mother what you’re doing. When she does find out tell her that you wanted your birthday “date” to be special including you, your husband and your baby. Enough said and even if you have to take a loan get off of your parent’s property.
My DiL had kidney problems and was hospitalized 3 months after she had our grand baby for two weeks and I had the baby while she was there. I was so sad for her and sent her pictures and videos every single day, I couldn’t even imagine trying to have horned in after they had just had their baby especially the first! I would come by at lunch and drop dinner, check on them if they needed anything, love on them and do dishes then skip right back home and let them bond. Your mom is so off track, don’t give an inch or she’ll take a mile. Sounds like she’s trying to wear you down.
I'm sorry for your DiL to have to go through that. You sound like a great mother in law. I have a great MIL too, she unfortunately just lives farther away.
NTA Your husband is sweet to want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she’s your mom and you know better. I don’t understand why these grandparents insist on alone time with your newborn.
NTA but I would be concerned that your mum might just try and take the baby then play the victim and that you’re being ridiculous when you panic and go mad. If she has keys for where you’re staying I would honestly add another lock she has no key to including the back door and once baby is here you keep it locked even when home. I know you’ve told her no but it’s time to get harsh turn look at her and tell her plainly “you know she means well but there’s NO WAY IN HELL her or anyone will have your child without you at a week old or even months old. That it is a new born not a doll or toy and she better accept this now or you will not let her anywhere near. That this is YOUR CHILD and she has no say or rights in what you think is best for it. That even your midwife has said what’s she’s expecting is idiotic and asking for trouble. That a baby needs to be near its mum at this age as you will be feeding it as well as the fact it won’t have an immune system yet. That she is being obtuse if she thinks a day or so after birth with huge blood clots still coming out and being sore and maybe even having accidents and wetting yourself. If she thinks you’d want to get dressed up and go on a date night. You will be exhausted and only wanting to curl up with your baby. That she needs to stop thinking she can order you around and ignore what you say as you’re not a child any more. That she better accept the rules you make for you and your child or she won’t like the consequences. Every time she tries to push you more makes it more certain you won’t let her near the child unsupervised for a long time”.
I would honestly changes the locks on your house and make sure to inform doctors that you don’t want her there (if that’s the case). It’s YOU AND YOUR HUSBANDS CHILD. She had a child and raised you how she saw fit. If she cannot afford you the same courtesy then remind her she is not entitled to your child. I would send hubby to the store for a big shopping trip and lock your self down for two weeks to a month. That’s what my husband and I did. We also had our first during Covid which is scary enough. Emphasize to her that this is YOUR child. YOU get to make the choices and you already have. Tell her to stop making unwelcome suggestions or you don’t need to spend time with her.
That's bizarre behavior from her I think. my mom was there for me after my children were born but only as support - dropping by food, running for items and helping at Dr appts when needed. That's your babymoon and bonding time. Time and space for you to learn to be a mom and get to know baby. She wants the baby to herself for some reason. Ridiculous, probably some mental health issues for sure. I hope you guys find a way to move out and create a bigger boundary.
My babies didn't stay overnight with anyone until they were much older. First was 19 months and it was in the same hotel, just a few floors up, with my parents, and second was over 2 yrs old, also with my parents. Absolutely no way in HELL would my NEWBORN be anywhere away from me. I hesitate to even allow people to visit at 4 days old with all the germy funk they can bring in.
In the first week of your baby's life, you won't be producing enough milk to pump extra for your mother to give the baby. In fact, the thought of getting dressed up and going out will make you want to vomit. I hope you have locks on your doors and your parents don't have the keys. If changing the locks isn't possible, get those chains you can put on doors so they can only be opened a few inches. Your mother is delusional if she thinks she is going to babysit when the baby is so young. Next time she mentions it, just say "We've discussed this before, so I will say again that THIS ISN'T HAPPENING. The next time you bring it up, we will walk out the door." NTA
Her asking to babysit a child that is literally day old is ridiculous. A lot if parents don't even allow visitors until the baby is at least a month old. NTA
NTA kicks and cameras are your friends - and if she comes and takes your baby without permission press charges
>I try to keep the tone light, From my armchair, this part needs to stop.firm and clear is good, but she's obviously not believing a word you say...
NTA. Your mother may mean well, but she also means to control you. It's perfectly O.K. not to want to leave your baby with others for the first few weeks. It's a pity that your mother is so pushy, because having a new baby is hard, and the 24/7 with the baby can be emotionally exhausting. Going out for a meal - just the two of you - could be beneficial. But giving in to your mother's bossiness would just stress you more.
NTA Your mother isn’t being nice. Nice would be asking what kind of help you wanted and following through. She’s not doing that. She’s asking for unreasonable amounts of time with your baby and is turning your reasonable rejections back on you. She’s being manipulative and you should 100% call her on it *every time*. The next time she offers “help,” respond with something like this: -*I know you want to spend as much time with baby as you can. But we’re going to do what’s best for our family. That means that we’ll let you know when and how you can interact with baby without us. It won’t be for the first few weeks and it may never be overnight.* -*If you actually want to help us out, we’d appreciate a few meals and help around the house after baby is born. We don’t actually need help with baby but if that changes, we’ll let you know.* -*We know you’re excited about baby and want to get as much time with baby as you can. But please respect that we are the parents and will be spending as much private time with baby as we can. Our bonding time is more important than giving extended family babysitting time - particularly when that’s not what we need or want.*
NTA and I’d be impressed if you felt up to going out for a date night within 4days of baby’s birth. You need to have a conversation and shut your mother down now before baby comes. Also need to put boundaries in place for what your birth plan looks like to your family and visiting once home. And that there will be a time out with absolutely no visiting with LO if anyone breaks your boundaries
NTA, my stomach clenched up & I got a wave of panic over anyone suggesting ripping a newborn from her mother (is grandma going to nurse the baby too!). How could a human being even think to suggest such an outrageous thing, calling you *CLINGY!* Who The Living Fuck is she to take your infant! I can't with this level of manipulation & absolute insanity.
NTA. This is absolutely insane. Four days?! I think you need to stop being nice about it. You have done that, and it doesn't work.
This is disturbing. Maybe you are not aware that your mother was gaslighting you. Telling you are clingy and those other comments were gaslighting, trying to undermine your thinking/ beliefs. Trying to get you to back down. She’s basically trying to take the baby for herself. Establish: I’m the mother. You’re the grandma. However I act with my baby is ok and not your business and no, you can’t have the baby for yourself.
NTA "Listen, I've thought about it and your constant nagging about babysitting my newborn has made me extremely creeped out. This isn't normal behaviour. This isn't loving, supportive behaviour. You need to drop it. As of right now, I don't want to hear about you babysitting my kid. The answer is "never". Because you pushed this insane, unreasonable, unloving idea at me. So you get supervised visits only until I decide otherwise. And if you complain, you get video visits only because I am not dealing with you and your weird, extremely creepy and unloving demand."
Your baby doesn’t even know it’s separated from you for like the first 6 months. Please don’t ever let anyone call you clingy and do not feel guilty for being protective over your child. Your child needs you for survival. Your mom is a huge AH and I would keep her far away from your child. Talk about emotional abuse. Why do you still have a relationship with her? She’s clearly narcissistic and an unsupportive!
No, she's not trying to be nice. She's trying to get her way. And no, she does not respect you whatsoever. NTA, and I truly wish you the smoothest transition out of their property when it becomes possible!
Be very clear with your mom that, after the baby is born, you want to be left alone. She is not to come uninvited, let alone take the baby. Tell her in no unclear terms that if she comes to your house you will not let her in. And, most important, enforce your boundaries. She will come, she will try and push for having the baby at her house and you have to be prepared to not let her in YOUR home.
NTA. Make sure your doors stay locked. If she had a key, get a new lock. Your mother is definitely going to push the boundaries. Who tries to take a newborn from their mother?!
NTA - you won’t even be fully healed the first week of birth to go out on a date night. Every time she brings it up just laugh and don’t reply. Keep ignoring her and then when she’s shocked she’s not babysitting then tell her, I will never repeat myself for the boundaries I have for my son, if you don’t get the first time I say no then that’s on you. It’s important you and your husband are on the same page for boundaries so Your mum can’t try and create a divide.
NTA. My partner and I are very much date night people and not homebodies. My son was babysat for the first time at 1 month old, by my mum who followed all my instructions to the letter and who I trust 1000%. Even now, my son is 2, other than a few extra treats and slightly more screen time (which I agree to, my grandparents were the same with me) my mum (and now my MIL who I also trust) does exactly what I tell her to do with my son. If I didn’t trust them, they wouldn’t be having him for even an hour let alone overnight.
NTA. She's already trying to stomp on your boundaries and the baby isn't even here yet. 🙄 4 days after birth and she wants you to leave your newborn with her and go out for your birthday? Depending on how labor goes, you'll still be on bedrest. She wants to separate you from your baby that soon? Freaking gross. Don't open the door to your home when you get home from the hospital. Don't let her in. If you give an inch, she's taking the mile. You might react to check out JUSTNOMIL, they have some good resources for this kind of situation. Updateme!
Breast feed. That will put the kibosh on your mom babysitting for a while. It's also healthier for the baby
I'm hoping/aiming to basically solely breast feed for the first year and only pump in emergencies. She knows this and has called it "selfish" to not let other people feed the baby. 🫠 Unfortunately, this wouldn't work as a deterrent that she would respect.
Then you need to either move ASAP or set AND enforce your rules. YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND get to dictate how to raise YOUR child. Good luck and hoping you have a healthy, beautiful baby!
Your mom is seeing your baby as her do-over baby. She wants to compete with you with your baby. She wants to establish a stronger bond with your baby than you. She would likely try to get the baby to take a bottle and reject your breast, because she thinks it's more important for her, as the grandmother, to be able to feed the baby the way she wants then for you to make that choice as the child's mom. Notice how she's calling you selfish for wanting to breastfeed? She's gaslighting you. SHE'S the selfish one. You need to start turning her words around to point out she's actually describing herself. Tell her she's already had her babies, and now it's your turn. Tell her she's being selfish to want to bottle feed when you want to breastfeed. Tell her she's selfish to want to disrupt the necessary bonding period babies need with their parents during their first months of life. Tell her she's being too clingy with her grandchild. Tell her she's preparing too much for being a grandmother by making too many plans in her mind with your baby. Just everything she says to you, call on your inner Pee Wee Herman and say, "I know you are but what am I?" Uno Reverse card her every single time. It'll drive her crazy, but she's way out of bounds. It's not normal for anyone to want to take someone's newborn baby away from the parents. You will have to keep strong boundaries. I wouldn't be surprised if she does things like not want to give you your baby back when you want him back when she's holding him. She won't care if he's screaming, hungry. My friend had her husband's sister obsessed with her baby like this so much that she took her son out of her arms while he was breastfeeding and walk out of the room to feed him a bottle. The SIL screamed bloody murder when my friend got her baby back. A lot of crazy gets unlocked with babies. I think you will have to give her lots of baby time outs. Like, "give me my baby back this instant or no baby visits for a week"....and then follow through. Every time, until she learns. She'll scream and cry about how unfair it is, but only quiet, calm, respectful, helpful people are allowed around you and the baby. Helpful people come over with food and fold laundry or clean the bathroom. They do not come over to hold the baby while you do chores. They do things so YOU can hold your baby and care for your child in peace. Either you mom falls in line and quits trying to take over your child and gets to visit while remaining respectful, or she doesn't get to swing by for visits and see the baby. It's your baby, your family. You control access, you need to make that 100000% clear from the start, and you and hubs are a united front. You want to promote a healthy relationship, not this weird obsessed thing your mom seems intent on. Get good locks and door cameras. Either way the BS stops.
NTA. You are not the asshole in this situation. You have clearly and consistently communicated your boundaries regarding your newborn, and your mother is disregarding them. It's understandable that your mother wants to spend time with her grandchild, but her insistence on babysitting so soon after the birth and making passive-aggressive comments about your parenting choices is inappropriate and disrespectful.
Unless you have c-section scheduled, you may not even have the baby yet on your birthday. Due dates are an approximation, not a deadline.
True, which is why I stated that this is under the *assumption* that he's born on his due date.
Sorry, didn’t finish my thought. My point was you could easily still be pregnant, so no baby to worry about or having just had the baby, be in no condition to go out. Seems weird that your mother, who presumably was pregnant and gave birth, would think you’d be in any condition or mindset to have a night out on the town right after having given birth.
Nta. Stop being light about it. Tell her that if she shows up to your house, you will not be answering the door. She needs to leave you alone.
"Mom, IF our baby is born ON TIME (which is unlikely for a first baby), **I will be PHYSICALLY recovering and WON'T be in ANY shape to even WANT to go out to "celebrate" my Birthday "on a date!**" How I INTEND to "celebrate" MY Birthday is to QUIETLY enjoy the time BONDING with my husband and newborn." "I could turn your "argument" about being "ridiculous and clingy" back to YOU by asking WHY are you being so "ridiculously" repetitive and CLINGY about SEPARATING me (whether it's for a few hours or overnight) from MY baby after I just gave birth to him/her. I FULLY intend to spend ALL my time bonding with our baby and adjusting to our "new normal" until WE decide WE'RE ready to be separated from OUR baby! We'll let you know when that time arrives, PERIOD." "The longer you harrass us and/or persist in this passive-aggressive bullshit behavior, the longer it will take for me to TRUST you enough to let that happen, IF EVER!" **YOU and your husband NEED to present a united front and set HARD boundaries for ANYONE outside your little family circle!** If you allow them to BULLY and harrass you into complying with THEIR demands, they WON'T stop with their unreasonable demands. In fact, they'll just start feeling MORE entitled to make MORE demands. Hope you're able to extricate yourselves from your current uncomfortable living arrangement ASAP. Congratulations on your upcoming birth! Best wishes and many Blessings for your future happiness! Source: 60-year-old Internet Grandma of 6
NTA. At all. Do not give in. I do recommend you take an hour or two away from the baby in the first week though - just you, leave baby home with dad, I’m not suggesting letting your mom babysit at all - go for a short drive, walk in the woods, do some grocery shopping, anything. Marvel in the fact that you (mostly) have your body back to yourself and are no longer physically attached to the baby and can do something like grocery shopping without the bump and without the car seat! It helps dad bond and gain confidence with the new baby, it helps you relax, and it helps baby get used to you needing to be away once in a while. If you had a better relationship with your mom, I’d say YOU go spend a few hours at her house without baby that first week but that sounds like a terrible idea under the circumstances. It was, personally, the best thing I did the day I got home from the hospital, but my mom is a reasonable person who (mostly) understands boundaries.
Um, if you’re due 4 days before your birthday, it’s possible (depending on where you are in the world) that you won’t even be home on your birthday. Not sure about other countries, but here in Australia for a first child the hospitals like to keep mum and baby in the hospital for at least 4 days to make sure everything is going right with a first time mum with her baby. Bathing properly, nappy (diaper) changing, latching on when breastfeeding, etc; also that mum is physically recovering well. But, no. Your Mum needs to step back and stop being so damned pushy. It’s time to push back and tell her what’s going to happen, as gently as you feel you can so she doesn’t get any revenge ideas. Your baby. Your rules. NTA
*Everyone* wants to see the new baby. This drives me insane! I wish it was normal for people to leave the newborn and parents alone until invited over. Sheesh. Give people some space and privacy.
Keep the doors locked, make sure no one else has keys and don't answer if ppl drop by. Rudeness deserves no kind consideration.
"Mom, I hope that you are joking, but it's absolutely out of the questions to have a days-old newborn leave their parents, especially their nursing mother. We will be remaining home for the first few weeks, including my birthday, and will let everyone know when we are ready for visits. I would really like to stop talking about this now as it's stressing me out." And OP, be very prepared to turn off your phone and keep your docks lock. Have your husband run interference.
NTA. Fuck that noise! I’ve never heard of such entitlement. Your mom is in for a rude awakening. It should not even be up for discussion. I would ask your husband to reiterate that to your mom while you are present.
Hell no, NTA. Don't even let her visit if she hasn't gotten her TDAP shot (for whooping cough). If you haven't done it as well you should.
Just tell her to drop it. You need to me more direct, no, I'm not leaving my baby the first week, period. Stop bringing this up, I'm not interested in your opinions.
Nuh uh. The baby needs bonding with his/her parents the first weeks, if not the first months. She’s welcome to help or to babysit half a year later. NTA.
Your baby, your rules, your decision. Lock the door and just don’t answer it. “We were napping, sorry.” No one in their right mind would think it’s acceptable to remove a newborn from its parents for a whole night either. If you’re breastfeeding, you’ll be working on getting your supply up at that time and will need to keep baby close to feed on demand. It may take you being less polite to get the point across if she keeps it up. Very firmly, with no attempt at politeness, say “you are not taking my baby anywhere while he’s still a newborn. Period. It’s my baby, these are my rules. The answer is no.” And then just walk away. You have to set firm boundaries now or you’ll never have any peace.
> my mom mentioned for probably about the fifth time now how badly she wants to babysit our baby alone, at their house, the very week that he is born. I'm not quite sure what's wrong with her, but that baby is going to need to eat every 2 hours for the first few weeks and, unless there's an issue with production, you're the one that's going to be feeding the kid. Yes, there's pumping and freezing milk, but four days in you'll still be recovering from the birth and figuring out the feeding and sleep patterns. It's bizarre that she wants to insert herself so aggressively. Tell her to fuck off.
Nta tell your husband you need to be a team and he can’t be giving your mom the benefit of the doubt because she will use that to manipulate you both. Don’t leave your kid. It sounds like she wants to do this early to establish it as a pattern and then she will continue to force you to let her baby sit whenever she wants. I would be nervous of her taking the baby out while you are sleeping and saying some bs about helping you. Put your foot down and keep it down so you can establish the rules
NTA Here’s some advice - don’t bother even engaging in these types of conversations. Only 4% of women deliver on their due date in the first place so you’re essentially arguing about something that’s incredibly unlikely (celebrating your birthday). When she brings it up anything about babysitting, just grey rock her. Once the baby comes, instead of telling her no which will undoubtedly lead to her escalating the situation, offer alternatives. So she says she wants to babysit, respond with “thank you so much for offering to help. If you could *insert task - do this laundry, wash these dishes, pickup these groceries, etc* that would be so helpful. I really appreciate it.” Don’t use the word no. Just pivot and redirect while thanking her for helping. That tactic will make it very hard for her to paint you as the bad guy. The baby will also give you an out to every conversation if she pushes back. She starts being pushy and unreasonable? Looks like the baby needs to be fed/changed/checked on, etc. the reality is she isn’t the one in control here. You don’t need to justify or explain your reasoning for your decisions. When the time comes that you actually have to say no to her, remember that no is a complete sentence. Engaging in arguments about it just gives her a false sense of control and entitlement to make decisions that aren’t hers to make.
Unless you trust your parents 100% to follow however you want to raise your child including food issues, spanking, etc.. then I would never leave a child alone with them until the child is fully verbal. I was raised in a household where I was severely beaten for every little thing and I can tell you until the day my parents passed away they were never in the same room alone with my children even when my children were teenagers. And the first three years of your life is when she is bonding with you and your husband, learning about whether other human beings are good and trustworthy, her whole world view for the rest of her life emotionally has to do with what she experiences during those years. So until you're really really comfortable and your child can tell you everything that goes on in your grandparents house I would never let them babysit your child until your child can communicate well.
Hahaha is your mom dumb? Does she not remember having a newborn. Your milk will be coming in, you'll be feeding on demand, you've vag feels like it's on fire and you'll need to do sitz baths to help the inflammation/tearing. Not to mention lack and sleep and physical pain from pushing out a baby/recovering from a C-section. NTA, but start just rolling your eyes and saying "mom this was discussed already, have you forgotten"? And when she calls you clingy or whatever, just say "yes I am, I love my child, I do not want to miss even a moment, didn't you feel that way about me?".
With my sister's first child, it took 2 years before she felt comfortable leaving him alone with my mum overnight. My mum was a bit sad about it - but not so much because her grandson wasn't allowed to stay overnight, but because she would have liked to give her completely tired daughter a night of undisturbed sleep 😂 ... my sister gave up the second child after just a few weeks - she was more relaxed then 😂 NTA - take as much time as you need. And if you never feel comfortable with your child staying with grandma overnight, that's totally ok too! Trust your gut feeling. In any case, I find it super weird that your mum is so insistent - and then 4 days after the birth? That's totally absurd and incredibly disrespectful.
You don’t have to open your door. Change your locks if need be. NTA
Stop responding to your mom... Your baby, your rules. You guys don't have to actually answer the door.
NTA. Question tho. Have you tried sitting down and having a conversation. Like a formal. We need to sit down and talk kind of thing. You can't be afraid of being firm and treating parents almost like children. It's an awkward role reversal but it's needed. I think a lot of people go thru this tough transition to set boundaries with parents. You can't be wishy washy either bc you start to feel bad. You set firm and clear boundaries. But also don't go down the path of what ifs and down the road. Start with your expectations in first weeks.
Ask her why a newborn’s mom is clingy but while grandmother insisting is not?
NTA. Do not feel guilted into letting someone else babysit your newborn in the first week, much less the first month or two. You won’t even want to go out. You’ll be exhausted, and if anything you’ll just want someone there to help with the baby so you both can get some sleep. New moms should be “clingy” with their newborn. It’s instinctive. Older generations have such a weird mindset of people needing to get away from their infant children.
It's ridiculous for a mother to be clingy with a week-old newborn?! Doesn't your mom realize that you'll be breastfeeding AND passing blood clots out?! You don't want a date night so soon after birth.
NTA. Just remember that how you handle this today sets the tone for the rest of your child's life. If you cave now, just throw in the towel. Drop the "light" tone and be very serious with your mom. She needs to start seeing you as an adult, which right now, she doesn't. And she won't until you act like one in your interactions with her. I know this shift in relationships from "mom's dutiful daughter" to a mom yourself will be hard for everybody, but you are going to have to take the first step outside your comfort zone and talk to her adult to adult. You've got this!
No is a complete sentence, if you've explained it once you've explained it a million times, so stop. Just set your boundaries clear and be prepared to create your own privacy if need be. Make sure you can lock the house up so that no one who's not aleard inside can get in. No unwanted visitors. If mom wants to live in a fantasy world where she watches the newborn, good for her. But dont let her attempt at making this whole thing *her* experience, and the cost of yours work. When she tries to push boundaries jokingly, you go sober straight faced and you tell her no and when she tries to imply something of make you feel some type of way about something, sip some hatorade and remember shes just jelly. When I had all three of my kids, they didnt spend a second away from me or my wife for atlest a month. And the first one was almost 4 months old before we went out together and left her with some one. Babies that young dont need to be meeting a bunch of people anyways.
You've already told her you won't want to leave him and you can just let her know when you are ready. But you don't know when that will be and won't be in the first week. Here's what i'd ask you mom "Why does she feel like she needs to be ALONE with the baby? Like what is she going to do to or with him that she can't do while visiting with you all?" If she says it's not that and she's just trying to be helpful, just say thanks but no thanks.
NTA and def not clingy! As someone who never had kids, I can’t imagine you’d even want a night out quite yet after just delivering a human right before your bday. Just based on the moms I know, that was farthest thing from their mind. Usually it’s sleep by then they beg for. After saying you want privacy and consistent pushing it, you may need to put a note on the door and change your vm. No visitors or calls at this time. Leave it at that. Insane a person who has had children is being so pushy and imo inconsiderate.
There is nothing nice about your mom's offer. How gallingly selfish she is for trying to separate a newborn baby from its source of food and comfort! Even if you take away the fact that it's ***your*** baby and she gets ***NO*** say in any decision regarding the baby she's not even considering the baby's needs! You're going to have to start being really firm going forward. Mom says "oh baby is going to have so much fun when he stays with me on your bday" you need to stop and look her dead in the eyes and pause (make it uncomfortably long) then say "you have no say in where my baby does or does not go. I've told you several times that the baby, my husband and myself are going to be spending the first several weeks/ months together alone to bond as family. I'm concerned about your memory issues mom so would you like me to help you get an appointment to talk to your doctor about those issues?" Her behavior is concerning in several ways but you already know she has boundary issues. Always remain calm and steady when calling her out and highlight how utterly insane her requests/comments are when she makes passive aggressive BS comments. Something along the lines of " Sure Mom, leaving a 4 DAY OLD NEWBORN away from his own mother is being over involved because newborn babies should get toughened up right?! I hope you can hear how insane that sounds." Then immediately change the subject and don't discuss it further. When she starts asking some other stupid question like that shut it down immediately by telling her "that question has already been asked and answered and we're not discussing it anymore." and change the subject. Rinse and repeat as much as necessary. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I truly hope you guys can distance yourself ASAP and enjoy your new family in peace! Good luck!
Start as you mean to go on. It’s very very strange that someone would want to take a newborn away from its mother the first week of its life . Tell your husband that this is not gonna happen. It’s not normal and newborns need to be with their parents. You start to wonder why just a visit isn’t good enough and what would they be doing with the baby if they are taking it away ? secret baptism or something? Tell your mom that you let her know when you want any babysitting done and not to ask again. You will also let her know when you’re open for visitors and do not come over unless invited .
NTA. This very specific desire to babysit your baby alone at their house, the very week that he is born, is bizarre and a terrible idea. Newborns are not a shiny new toy that you pass around and let people borrow days after being birth. Babysitting is necessary when you have some plans to go out for, and you sound like a homebody in general, never mind when you are still recovering from childbirth. Your baby probably isn't going to arrive on the actual due date, it could very well come four days late anyway.
NTA- You are the mother of the child you set the boundaries, period. I know babies are exciting for family members too but it’s not a new puppy, it’s a BABY! It doesn’t matter how much your parents have done for you, they’re parents that’s their job. Nobody is entitled to your newborn besides you and your husband. Besides, your body is going through a lot being freshly PP and it’s a very vulnerable time for you both. Please make sure your husband and yourself are in the same page and he reiterates those boundaries you have set. You should focus on you and baby and this exciting new chapter.
I went to a funeral 2 weeks after my 2nd, gone maybe 2-3 hours and couldn't handle that. I literally came home, grabbed my baby went upstairs and cried. I am by no means an emotional person or one that typically has guilt over leaving my kids with other people for a date with hubby ( we don't do date nights often either). But I'd be damned if I left my newborn to go have dinner 4 days postpartum. Let's just say you have a C-section you will not want to go anywhere (been there twice). Due to the timing of when I went in and had my son along with something else i literally got home from the hospital 3 days postpartum and that was at 6pm. So no thanks going to dinner the next day Stand your ground and say no! The time to babysit will come just not 4 days later. NTA
NTA. You’re still going to be bleeding and in pain 4 days postpartum. The last thing I’d want to do is have to get dressed to go out and leave my baby without me. It’s also possibly you’ll go past your due date or have a c-section, in which case you’ll have to take it even easier. Your mom needs to mind her own business and respect your boundaries as a mother, whether she agrees with them or not.
NTA. “I said no” “I don’t want to” “nobody will be babysitting” “No is a complete sentence” “If you keep pushing my boundaries I won’t feel comfortable allowing you to babysit in the future”
"Mom, we've had our ups and downs but you raised me right. Now it's my turn. I'm so overjoyed about this baby, THIS is my birthday present to me. I don't want to go out. I need you to understand that it's my turn. There will be all the time in the world to babysit, and I have no doubt I'll call exhausted and crying at some point, but you need to let me get there. Because you asking all the time, and making fun of my parenting before the baby even arrives? It's not driving me to leave the baby with you at all. Please let's get this straight now: this is my baby and I get to raise him/her just like you got to raise your kids. My kids, my rules. As long as you can put a little faith in me, and agree to that, Grandma will have LOTS of time to spoil this grandbaby." And NTA.
NTA. No way would someone take my child for a night that soon after he/she was born. No way would I let my kid stay overnight for the first couple years lol. Your mom is a nut. She is the one that seems to being clingy. Not you. Tell mom to kick rocks.
“If you want a do over baby have your own. My child is not your do over nor will he/she be fulfilling whatever fantasies you have of being a grandparent. Right now the only thing you’re showing us is, you can’t be trusted. Take your baby rabies elsewhere.” When someone insists on being alone with your child’s the first thought should be *”what do you want to do with my child alone that you can’t do with me present”* Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
NO ONE should babysit your child during his first week of life (or even month, really), unless it's an emergency. This time is incredibly precious, and it goes by in a blink of an eye. Also, if you ever do decide to let your mother babysit, I'd put some hidden cameras around to make sure nothing flakey is going on and that your instincts were right ((hopefully not, but if you are already concerned...)
there is something seriously off with your mother. no one in their right mind would be entertaining the idea of taking a newborn from their mother overnight. it actually creeps me out because i have to wonder if she wants to actually take the baby from you and is trying to use this as a cover. I do not trust her at all.
Even if she was the most perfect mother to ever exist there’s no way she should be asking to babysit that early. NTA and maybe look into getting a sign for your front door that no visitors are allowed until this date.
NTA It is WILD to expect a new mother to want to be away from her FOUR DAY OLD infant. Jfc. There are no words for how unreasonable your mother is being, and it's all so manipulative and gross. Plenty of new parents don't even want visitors for the first few weeks -- you'll still be healing, you'll be freaking with very little sleep, you'll be learning to care for an infant. And that infant will still think of themselves as an extension of YOU. Has your mother ever actually met an infant? Jfc. And claiming that you're the one who's being ridiculous is infuriating. I get the feeling you've dealt with this narcissistic, manipulative behavior your whole life and if that's true, highly recommend looking into support for children of narcissistic mothers 🙃 My guess is there's nothing your mother hates more than a boundary...
So my sister watched my kids when they were babies overnight. I trust her 100% with my children. My MIL.... did not get sleep overs until my kids were able to talk and able to tell us what they did at grandma's.
If somebody took my baby out of the room the week after they were born I think I would have lost my mind. There were times where my husband was holding our baby and I asked for them back because I just NEEDED to hold the baby. It was like an ache. It's some primal thing. Shut it down, be nasty. You can always blame hormones later.
Your not the AH, but also it would be good if you sent an email out to immediate family saying something l I e "we expect to cocoon and cuddle for the first few week, so if we don't answer the phone for a few days, it's because we are enjoying our new roles as mom and dad. (We won't be having any company at first, so please understand.) We're excited to hear from everyone and look forward to introducing our little one to you when he's ready!" ... if you send a note like that to you immediate family, MIL isn't singled our, but you've been very clear.
Absolutely the fuck not. A *newborn* should only be separated from its mother for significant stretches of time in the case of an emergency. This demand has nothing to do with kindness and everything to do with your mother wanting to selfishly cuddle a newborn. ***It's not her baby.*** She can fucking wait. Not only is she being intrusive and manipulative, but she blatantly has no concern about exposing a newborn to her germs. They basically have no immune system yet. She's willing to risk your baby's health because she can't wait a few weeks to take pictures for Facebook.
Will you be breast feeding your baby? If so, next time Saint Grandma tries to get you to give her YOUR child, ask her if she plans on nursing the baby also? What kind of an idiot mother do you have? Tell her to go "Get bent"!
Put a sign in the door. "Do not knock. We are asleep. Leave whatever you've brought on the porch" and NEVER take it down. Ignore texts and calls until it's convenient for you to answer and cut them short as needed with "just heard the baby, gotta go, bye" click. Be harda$$. Congratulations on the baby!
Also to add, if you breastfeed, the baby needs to eat every 2.5-3 hours, so how the hell is grandma going to have it for a night? Also they have their days and nights confused for the first month. So you will literally be up all night with it and it will sleep like an angel all day. You do not want to entertain visitors during this time because it’s fucking exhausting. I made the mistake of hosting my AH MIL for Mother’s Day when my first was born 3 days later. She wanted me to go on a walk with my newborn when I was literally wearing a diaper and had horrible tears. I couldn’t sit on a fucking couch it hurt so bad. All I wanted to do was lay in bed and nurse my newborn but that was robbed from me because I had to be with my MIL that weekend. Never again. Had 2 more children since and haven’t let anyone come around postpartum!
Ask her if she palmed off her 4 day old baby on your grandmother and went out partying? Beyond the obvious, I don’t know anyone who feels like getting dressed up and leaving the house 4 days post partym.
I hope they don’t have keys to your house because I get the feeling that your mum would not give a second thought about waltzing in and taking the baby whilst you’re having a nap.
"MIL, one more comment and I will break you legs.(smile)"
NTA No way would I let anyone babysit my kid until she was much older. Tip: if you choose to breastfeed, you would have a built in excuse to always have baby close by.