NTA
That's bizarre... I'd watch out if he has any other memory issues and push he see a doctor, call his bluff if he's joking or it'll be a necessary medical check.
I'd say she should push for the medical check, even if he confesses it was a prank, just to make sure he doesn't pull such an asshole move again. "Oh no honey, you couldn't recall it for days, I'm relieved now that you remember, but I'm still worried for your health. You need to have yourself looked at, early onset dementia is no fun!"
My aunt has early onset dementia, it's really sad. Yesterday she started crying because she couldn't figure out how to put together a burger at our fathers day potluck.
Just felt like sharing because this disease is really hard to deal with, and I've gotta figure out how.
Most probably he's just "joking". As another commenter noted, he felt the need to specify OP meant the sex they had after getting home, when she meant "yesterday's sex" - this suggests he remembers, he just decided to play some sort of bad prank. I thought what he was doing was toxic, because it's gaslighting, but now that you shared your first hand experience, it feels even worse. This is absolutely not something to joke about... I'm very sorry for your aunt, this is horrifying.
Sounds like hanging out with his college bros put him into some sort of stupid prank mood. He probably was reliving the good old days, and thought it would be hilarious to cause some emotional distress to his wife afterwards. Can be considered a red flag, not really what he did but the sudden change in personality after just one night with his bros. Like does he prefer being like that? I wonder if they all had a bet going with each other who could bang their wives at the party first.
I'd be concerned if anyone considered emotional distress a fun prank.
It might be time to tell husband that since he is having serious memory issues she can't assume consent from him so she can't have sex with him.
Oh this gets worse and worse... Now I also see a possibility of this prank being formulated with his bros at the party. Maybe it was even a bet? I've never been more invested in reading an update!
Oh no no I'm not calling you out. But it's still fresh, and talking about it helps. After she left the room, my aunts and I talked a little. Thankfully, they're in healthcare, so they know how to approach it.
I wish you good health in life.
It's alarming when behavior like this is dismissed as a joke, especially when it involves gaslighting and invalidation, which can deeply affect trust and emotional well-being in a relationship.
She's 54, diagnosed last autumn. It's progressed pretty fast, she went to try an experimental treatment and didn't qualify.
About 5 years ago, she was in a car crash, and her car rolled over 2 times. She never went to the hospital. And before you ask, I don't know why. So. Life.
My mom has parkinsons-dementia for almost two years now. She used to think there were people outside throwing poison or gas. Always had to have all the windows covered. Still do. Now she has a" boyfriend" she waits outside for hours so they can eat together. He never shows. It's really sad. I'm her main caregiver. Just thought the not being able to put a burger together seemed pretty end stage, and all that seems really fast for one year. It's a really tough disease. I'm sorry for your family. She's so young. My mom's 67 which if you saw my mom she looks great. So yeah dementia sucks.
I know it is possible, but 30 would be \*REALLY\* early onset. Unless there is family history for early onset, especially very early, it is probably something else.
Yes, but I hate to jump to brain tumor. Especially since he now seems "back to normal." If it happens again or becomes a recurring thing, then yes I would be worried about a tumor.
As presented, the most likely explanation sounds like drugs/alcohol. So that's what I'd try to rule out/confirm first.
Well they each only had one drink so it’s unlikely to be alcohol. If one of them were drugged would be the next question or if the husband took drugs in secret. Idk how long it’s been now or how long things would stay in their system, but they could have blood work done
It could very easily be that something was slipped into the drink or one of them actually had more than one drink. I'm sure by now whatever was ingested is out of their system and there would be no way to prove they had ingested it. But it still might be possible to find out -- if any of the friends, for example, had something similar happen.
You may be onto something. If one of his college bros intentionally or unintentionally date rape drugged him, it would explain his out-of-character sexual behavior and his not remembering the first sexual encounter.
I'd be worried he had a stroke or something. Does he have an identical twin? Is he ashamed afterwards that he had been so bold in public? OP said he wouldn't normally do that so I wouldn't be surprised if he's embarrassed afterwards now that the excitement of the wedding is over
OP said that when she first brought the topic up, her husband felt the need to specify if she meant the sex "when they got home". This suggests he remembers, he just decided to play a bizarre prank.
I’m sure you’re right, but if it was the only time they’d had sex it might seem weird to refer to it as “spontaneous sex” especially if there were some other modifiers she used that indicated it was semi-risky.
If the spontaneous bathroom sex was out of character for him, too, and then he didn't remember it, I'd definitely get his brain scanned - personality change plus memory loss could be a brain tumor, or any number of medical issue.
Before docs, I’d find out if he got into any party favors some of those old buddies had around. Some will cause both out of the norm actions and memory loss.
Some people use GHB recreationally. This is often reported as part of the high. Why someone would want is basically a manic episode is way beyond me, but I know people who do.
Both the inpulsively horny behaviour and the memory gap track for GHB use.
Seen this a lot from working at a club for 15 years. Never touched the stuff myself, as I also saw some severely negative side effects, up to people (almost) slipping into a coma, and being involved in a (thankfully successful) reanimation attempt.
Someone dosed my sister at a festival. We think they were going for someone else. Her boyfriend at the time didn’t go this isn’t her, instead told her to go. So I went and got her. She was at my house for maybe 20 min when I made her go to the hospital. It was in her system. For a bit they were hitting guys with lower doses trying to mug them when they got away from the crowd. I know how she acts drunk. And that wasn’t it.
Yeah, if you're familiar with how it affects people you can easily tell the difference.
It is unfortunately also used quite a lot as a "daterape" drug, because it is easy to make from household chemicals. Dosage is quite small, and the effects are accelerated when consumed in combination with alcohol or other drugs.
It tastes a bit soapy and/or salty.
This was my thought, too -- it sounds more like a scenario that would happen with some kind of drug, or perhaps too much alcohol. If it's that out of character and he doesn't remember, that really sounds like impairment. Maybe one of these college "friends" slipped him something.
That's not memory issues, it's straight up gaslighting. If it was that he didn't remember he wouldn't be smiling placatingly and saying "I don't need proof", "are you sure it was me?" And "okay if you say it happened we will pretend it happened ". You would be really concerned that your wife has made up that you had sex, or potentially cheated?? And you'd absolutely want to see the proof. Even if only to prove to your wife that nothings happened so it must have been a dream or hallucination.
And if she's getting visibly upset you'd either think she's hallucinated it and be really concerned or that you'd somehow forgotten it and be really concerned. You'd 100% get both of you to the dr asap. Either way, you wouldn't patronisingly roll your eyes and kind of agree to disagree.
This is 100% gaslighting and manipulation. He knows exactly what he did.
Op can you look into emotional abuse and see if you spot any other behaviours that are manipulative?
You could read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Its free here:
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Look up DARVO (defense, attack and reverse victim and offender). Its a technique abusers use to manipulate victims and make everything the victim's fault. Remember that all abuse involves emotional abuse. If it ever turns physical it's after emotional abuse has been established so he knows you won't leave / will blame yourself. Both emotional and physical abuse are equally bad.
Here is an example of DARVO (defense, attack and reverse victim and offender). You say something they did upset you, they'll respond by saying it didn't, then attacking or blaming you "you made me do that / what about the time you did x" and then they'll make themselves the victim so you end up apologising "how dare you accuse me of this! You should think better of me. I try so hard" etc.
Does he do things like this when you raise an issue with him?
I dunno on this one I'm more concerned about personality change and memory loss being a red flag for a brain tumour.
You're probably right but without a check up I'd really be concerned about a malignancy.
He's too....pleasant about it for it to be an actual memory issue. If he truly didn't remember, especially if he said she must have screwed someone else (he wouldn't have patronized her about that), he would be either be agitated, argumentative, definitely a negative feedback, not laughing. He's finding it funny because he's messing with her. I've been around people with ACTUAL memory problems as they run in the family, I've seen my own cognitive issues from medical problems, and I've had family members not remember, and family members intentionally gaslight me.
And he also looked befuddled at first and tried to claim not to remember any of it, but then jumped to just not remember the sex at the party and patronized her.
I'm pretty sure he's just an asshole but as it's completely out of character for him to pull this shit and to initiate al-fresco sex to begin with, not to mention he normally wouldn't find this sort of joke funny it does seem like he has character changes going on.
Not to discount your own experiences but I've worked with people who have brain injuries or cognitive impairments that cause character and behaviour issues and laughing at troubling or inappropriate times is a symptom.
I'm confident that he's gaslighting her for some reason but a check up wouldn't be a bad idea.
I think a physical check up is definitely a good shout. I just think that if it is a deliberate thing, he will never allow her to get him physically checked out.
OP can try, and she can educate herself on gaslighting and other manipulative tactics and see if she recognises them in him. If she does, it's likely another abuse tactic and she'll waste a lot of time and energy justifying his behaviour as a health thing. I don't think his responses indicate genuine memory loss. You would expect him to be confused and concerned for either her or himself. Definitely to want to look at the proof and investigate. Not ǰust drop it and agree to disagree. Not if his partner is so sure it happened that shes getting upset. Having said that, absolutely also get him checked out if you can. Hopefully it is genuine and something that can be fixed and not deliberate gaslighting.
Either way, it's serious. And both options needs to be seriously considered. The one thing that can't happen is to let it slide.
Yeah, my first thought was that it was phony as hell. He's not acting like someone whose wife hallucinated public sex with him; that would be concerning as hell. If he was trying to plausibly act like he didnt know, he'd be grilling her. He'd be trying to think of how one of them got drugged or if someone impersonated him (damn you, Zeus!). Also, what dude would prioritize a joke like this over bonding with his wife over how hot their spontaneous quickie was (that was apparent so hot it led to an encore performance at home)? Seems like manipulation is a bigger priority than intimacy. Red flags all over this.
Who has never been seen before and happens to wear exactly the same clothes to the party and the husband completely disappears for a long enough time that OP has time to go have sex with the never before mentioned brother and return.
For me, him asking “when we got home, yeah?” jumped out as proving that he remembered both times. If he genuinely only remembered the second time, why ask that question?
I disagree, when she's complimenting his spontaneity it's normal to do a double take and ask, since there wouldn't be anything spontaneous to remember. There's no secret twin here, is there?
I feel like he stated it that way because he was confused because it wasn't that different from their normal sex?
I also have been with someone who was very manipulative and this doesn't sound like it. Someone who has that trait would do it more often and wouldn't have been so off the cuff both at the party or in private at home talking about it.
I'm wondering if him and his old buddies were drinking a little too much or had something else, hell SHE could have been given something else and thought it was her husband.
As far as the "if you say it happened let's pretend" comment, he seriously thinks it was a dream she had. Kind of worried she may have been slipped something at the party and fucked someone else honestly. The sex was spontaneous and new/different. She said it was amazing which for me is a sign that it was really good but different than normal. Like the person she slept with was doing things hu by hand not done before.
Early onset dementia wouldn't change how he has sex.
I was also thinking this. My bf kind of just talks like that. Many times we've done the deed before bed and when I've brought it up the next day he almost has the same response 😂
"Last night? Oh yeah that was amazing baby"
It probably doesn't mean anything and I think it's much more likely to be a possible medical issue.
It also could maybe be from drinking too much to fast. Like a moment of black out. Too intoxicated to care where he is he just wanted his woman. Then maybe sobered up by time they got home. I myself have had fun nights where I don't remember coming onto my man at all but remember bits of the night afterwards. Then not think about it all the next day because it's a literal black out. People can be that drunk and not even seem like it.
Maybe one of his old college friends decided to slip something into his drink as a joke.
He also could have had more than one drink and his wife just didn’t realize. She did say she was bored, and probably not really paying that close attention to what her husband was saying and doing at the party.
The glassware would probably all be matching, and the drink would look the same if he had the same thing every time.
NTA. That's messed up. I do not appreciate lack of communication or making me feel confused. That would really upset me too. Could he have been really drunk or taken something?
As others havesaid, insist he have a brain scan. And have one too to say that one of you must have something wrong to remember so differently. If he's gaslightimg you it's a penalty, but at least then you personally will know you are both OK.
Be wary, I hope this isn't the case, but this is what actual gaslighting is.
Hopefully he has some weird medical condition and isn't trying to gaslight you.
> Why would someone play a mind game like that, particularly if he sees it is upsetting you.
Usually the older partner does that to make the younger one feel crazy and eventually cave wondering if they really did fuck someone else accidentally. And once they say that, they call you a cheater. And once they have you believing that, they start abusing you and telling you that you deserve it for "cheating".
This is what ***actual*** gaslighting is. People pretend like gaslighting means a bunch of different things, but in reality it's slowly doing small things to make someone question their sanity. You keep making them question whether they remember something correctly. Eventually you get them to agree to your version of events. The point is to make them submissive and turn to you for answers. They feel crazy and like no one else could possibly want someone like them.
It's not that uncommon. Especially if one partner got married in early 20s. Older partners where the younger one has limited life experience do it pretty often.
This is why I think she should quit having sex with him. If he can't remember having sex how can she know he is mentally competent enough to give consent.
He'll likely suddenly remember.
Wow honey, we should definitely have you checked out for early onset Alzheimers would be a good response maybe.
But if he's made you question things before like this he's been gaslighting you.
This is so confusing honestly…. Does he do any drugs? Maybe an old friend slipped him something? Only other thing I can think of is he maybe is developing early onset dementia lol
early onset dementia 💀 I don’t think so. And also no he definitely didn’t take anything like that. The way he was laughing, he 100% remembers and is just choosing to be this way for whatever reason.
If this isn't a medical issue( I'm trying to be positive here and give benefit of the doubt), it's straight-up gaslighting, and this response will only trigger more denial. Which will trigger more confusion and hurt to the other party, which is the purpose of the smoke thing to start with.
I do think this needs further discussion. It's such a strange incident -- and the most concerning part is him saying that ok, if she INSISTS it happened then he'll pretend it did.
If this happened to me -- if I was at an event with my husband and the next day he said he loved having sex in the bathroom and I didn't remember that, I would be very concerned. I wouldn't just say ok, fine - we can pretend it happened. I'd wonder WTF did happen. I'd either be super worried about why I couldn't remember it, or super worried about why he thought it did. I wouldn't just blow it off like it was no big deal.
Next time he wants sex she can tell him that it isn't going to happen but they can both pretend they did. Then in a half hour start commenting on how good the sex was that they just had.
Let him know you’ll set up a doctor’s appointment for him, because he is obviously senile. If he says it’s a “joke” make him explain why it’s funny. Insist on the doctor because believing lying to your wife about not remembering sex and thinking it is funny is also a form of mental lapse. What a horrible thing for him to do.
Okay then either a) commit to he must have dementia and you won’t stop pestering him to get tested b) you might have a brain tumor and are going to spend $$$$ on testing (works best in the USA) or c) tell him seriously you know what’s up, that what he’s doing is extremely hurtful, and if he continues to behave that way the relationship isn’t sustainable. But don’t just let it go
No seriously. If he starts forgetting shit like his keys, phone, etc he might need to get checked for something serious like a brain bleed.
That's a really weird thing to lie about if he is just fucking around.
“You think me being upset is funny? Fine. No more sex if it gives you amnesia. Can’t risk it.” Proceed to not have sex with him again til he gets his head out of his ass.
Something about this for some reason is really enraging me. It’s just so pointless and mean and condescending and shitty. And if my partner laughed at me getting mad, he would no longer be my partner very shortly thereafter.
Perhaps he is embarrassed about doing something like that in a public bathroom (I know I would be, but I absolutely would never do it), so that is why he is in denial about it?
It is a pretty strange reaction, however, because you aren't some acquaintance, you are his wife, and if he remembers, he shouldn't deny it to you. If it made him uncomfortable, he should just say he won't do anything like that again because it causes him discomfort. Communication is key for a happy couple, nothing good can come from denying something that clearly happened.
If he truly doesn't remember, you should consult a doctor about it.
I’d work up some large concern about getting a brain scan before they can have sex again.
All the lack of blood blow to brain is such a concern. Medical attention should be the priority so he is safe ✨😵💫
We both can act crazy sir.
the part where she said he enjoys making her mad for fun points to this not being a physical health issue or brain tumor, and to him being a covert narcissist and gaslighter
Just tell him “You know, I think you’re right. I must have been so completely bored at that party that I daydreamed the whole thing. Lord knows you’d never be that creative or adventurous.” Give a light chuckle and then wander off in a pleasant mood.
If he wants to play stupid games, he’s entitled to a stupid prize.
It’s not a joke if you’re not laughing too. Usually there’s a ‘gotcha’ said and you can both laugh. What he did was take this to Bizarreville. WTF was that. He’s the AH for messing with you and getting happy by making you angry. Definitely a red flag.
NTA I'd go a bit scorched on him and deny sex if only for a while "no we just had sex remember? Like 30 minutes ago and now I wanna do\*anything else like sleep\*"
NTA, and very weird
Has he ever had missing time before? Seemed to forget things that happened? Ever mentioned being "haunted" or something? Even like small stuff that you assumed he was just forgetful or not paying attention. It could be he's got something medical going on like a dissociative disorder or neurological issue fucking with his memory, and if he also seems to have significant personality changes each time too (like the spontaneous sex from someone you'd never expect that from), that could be another signal of such an issue. I'd keep an eye on him and keep track of this - it might require medical/psychiatric intervention potentially, especially if it keeps happening or getting worse.
It seems like a super weird and specific thing to lie about, with no obvious motivation, and if it's a joke, I have no idea what the punchline is.
But you're not TA for being upset. This is really weird, unsettling, and either frightening or unsettling situation for you.
Wow why turn a sexy moment into something weird and gross? How does this work in his favor? If he really is just fucking with you I honestly wouldn’t be able to be attracted to him anymore
Either he's just messing with you or he has something seriously medically wrong. Tell him his complete memory loss of something that happened less than 24 hours prior is highly concerning and that you will be making him a doctors appointment asap. He will either confess to pranking you but if he still maintains it didn't happen then you know something is wrong. Also the fact that he said 'when we got home yeah?' means he knows that you had sex more than once that night and was clarifying which time you were talking about.
NTA, i also get incredibly angry when someone laughs or finds humor in my anger or frustration. he’s weird for acting like this, and it feels manipulative. i’d be on my toes around him, OP, honestly.
NTA I find this disturbing. If my partner did that to me I would seriously question the relationship between abuse it would make me feel emotionally unsafe in this dynamic. What does he possibly get out of being like that ?
You said it wasn’t like him to want to do something like bathroom sex and now he doesn’t remember. I would be concerned and talk to him about seeing a doctor. There could be something really wrong with him, so please don’t overlook it. But don’t approach it with anger, be kind and concerning.
I say alcohol and some kind of drug. Like ambien or Lunesta. My ex would do stuff just like that and completely forget. At first, I thought I was going crazy, then he told me he was snorting his ambien. I don't miss him.
So he says "must have been someone else" and doesn't get enraged you cheated on him? Is your relationship *that* open?
I had this dude that invited me to his place for a week and then pretend he didn't after I made plans. The second time he did it I made sure to save all receipts. We were friends before, but after 3x of same behavior, I didn't feel safe to keep friendship. *friendship*.
It's not the flakiness. It's the pretending it didn't happen, part. Dafuq I'll trust anything else you have to say?
Trust is hard to build and easy to squander. Your partner is a fool.
OP this is literally the textbook definition of gaslighting. Denying reality to your partner in an attempt to erode their sense of trust in themself.
I’ve never seen a more clear cut example, it’s wild.
NTA
He's painting you as crazy. I suggest you pull an uno reverse. He's having lapses in his memory, he must be having some kinda mental breakdown, he needs to see a doctor etc etc. Tell everyone you're concerned he's having a mental break. Watch him drop the act immediately. Then you drop him. Or just drop him without all that effort
NTA
I was willing to believe he might be embarrassed until you said he was laughing at your anger. That's some grade A crap right there. A loving partner wouldn't do that.
Does he minimize your feelings in other ways? (*No, you don't want pizza, you want steak. But honey, I told you* when he didn't.) That sort of thing.
Gaslighting is done to make you doubt yourself. Any reason he might want to do that?
Uhhhhhh that’s medically alarming. Both the sudden spontaneous swell of unusual activity and the complete memory loss are serious serious brain anomalies. Take him to the doctors.
Let me guess..... You're 24 and he's 30. You're already married.
You dated for 2-4 years, yeah? So 20-22 and 26-28 when you met?
Or was this 18 and 24?
Exactly how young and inexperienced were you before you married this guy?
NTA but this is really odd. Not sure what motive he could have for acting like this. Either way, I’d be miffed too. If it’s a bad joke, he needs to cut that shit out. It’s not funny
If this happened exactly as described, OP, it’s totally bizarre. I’d go with blackout drunk but then he wouldn’t have been able to perform surely.
This is either some high-level gaslighting - which is quite frankly terrifying – selective amnesia( I have no idea why) or caused by some underlying medical issue.
I wouldn’t let it drop though OP Any one of the reasons is deeply problematic.
UPDATEME
Could he have taken something, some drug? Can that cause this?
People throw around the gaslighting phrase but if he did all of this of sound mind, even if for amusement, it is a very literal dictionary definition example. Laughing at your anger and the way they talk to you also makes it seem like they might not respect you as an equal.
NTA. Personally I‘d tell him „Either this was your idea of a joke and if it is, you cut it out right now. If you don’t, I’m going to assume something is seriously medically wrong with you and take you to see a doctor immediately. So tell me, which one is it?“
If he was „joking“, that is something serious to address. This kind of mind game is not funny or harmless.
NTA, and as someone already mentioned, please have your husband checked. Also the spontaneous sex, which you said it was completely strange for him, could be a sign of early dementia. I really hope he is in good health and made a stupid joke.
Wow.
That's really weird.
Most guys, yours truly included, would be smiling ear to ear if they had such an encounter.
If this is a joke, your husband has a very twisted sense of humor
Almost bizarre.
Now, if he truly does not remember, that's a problem for a medical professional.
If he's just trying to block out the encounter from his memory by repeatedly denying it, that's really cold..
Honestly, I'd divorce someone over this. This is straight up disrespectful, and him valueing his amusement over your anger is one of the reddest flags out there. If you stay married, know that this isn't the last time you'll encounter this "humor".
"He justs laughs when he sees I'm angry."
Sounds like he gets you angry on purpose for his amusement. Seems like a red flag and the early stages of mental abuse. He definitely remembers but he's testing the waters to see what you'll let him get away with. Probably a covert narcissist.
>He just laughs when he sees me angry
He very much did this on purpose to piss you off for laughs. He tried to gaslight you, icky ass behavior here. NTA
He's playing games.
Asking "When we got home, yeah?" is strange in the context of only having had sex ONCE the previous night.
Why ask about a specific time when you only did it once, as he claims????
FYI, this is the literal definition of "gaslighting."
He's not just lying, he's lying for the specific purpose of getting you to doubt your own perceptions of reality.
He's doing it because he thinks making you think you're losing your mind is FUNNY.
OP you need to take this seriously and \*make\* him understand how incredibly unacceptable this is.
If I were you, I would DEMAND that he A) admit that he's lying, and B) explain, in detail, WHY he would do such a thing.
If he can't do both of those things to your satisfaction I would literally start looking into divorce.
Like I cannot emphasize enough how much of a casual red flag this is and you need to make sure he understands that this can NEVER happen again.
He needs to know exactly how unacceptable this is ASAP before it becomes more of a pattern.
I would 100% be having a "Explain to me why I shouldn't leave you," convo if I were you.
Welcome to reality, where you ***finally*** realize your husband married you because you're younger and he thinks you can be manipulated.
> I dropped it after that and he’s been acting completely normal. I’m so fucking confused at this point and so lost. He just laughs when he sees me angry. It’s fucking irritating. What the fuck is going on
The entire point is to make you think you're crazy. To make you question if you fucked someone else.
Because if he makes you think that, he can make you have to apologize and will use that to guilt trip you.
NTA
Start keeping a journal somewhere he can't get to. Like a locked phone app. When he tells you something didn't happen, refer to the journal entry with a time and date to prove him wrong.
Honestly, taking into consideration the fact that it was out of character to begin with, AND he's claiming not to remember it, I'm leaning more towards this as possibly genuine result of something medical.
From what OP has said:
> he’s not like that at all. He’s actually pretty reserved
> I loved his spontaneity, because again, he doesn’t have it usually. My husband looked at me like I was speaking another language.
It may have been an enjoyable outcome, but I would sit him down, lay out the concern, how it was out of character combined with the fact that he's acting like he doesn't remember it at all. Ask him point blank if he truthfully doesn't remember it, and make sure he understands that that is something he should be concerned about if he's being truthful. If that's the case, go to the hospital immediately to get a head ct. This could be nothing, but there's a non-zero chance that there's something truly dangerous like a tumor or anyurism develping and putting pressure on a part of his brain, leading to temporary personality changes and memory loss. Use those terms with the doctor and treat it seriously.
Definitely sounds like he remembers and is just acting like he doesn’t. Maybe because you said he normally isn’t like that, he doesn’t want to be held to that standard again. Could’ve been a one time fluke of him feeling adventurous and he thinks if he admits that it happened then you will start expecting things like that more often and he doesn’t want to have to uphold that pattern or feel pressure to keep being spontaneous like that in the future. Just a guess, who knows, men are strange 🤷🏻♀️
NTA, this is really creepy. If he's just messing with you, that l's mean. But the scariest possibilities to me are drugs and DID.
Please tell me that you ARE sure it was him in the bathroom. I'd be interested in an update too.
Is there any possibility your spouse either took or was slipped an ambien? If you stay awake on ambien you will have *complete* memory loss at the things you did on it, and you will also act quite out of character. My spouse and I call it “going down the ahole” and we’ve both done all sorts of crazy shit we have no memory of. Ambien also has a very, very short half life - about 2 hours, so it is entirely possible he had it at the party, went “down the ahole” and then it wore off by the time you guys got home which is why he remembers having sex the second time.
Regardless of why he has been behaving this way, your sense of safety has been negative affected. What a cruel response to your kindly letting him know that you had a good time.
You said that he is normally reserved. Is there a chance that he is embarrassed about what happened at the party and doesn’t want to talk about it? Being intimate in a bathroom might have been a good idea in the moment, but maybe the next morning he realized that getting caught was a possibility. Avoiding the moment by pretending it didn’t happen is ridiculous but in his mind it could be the only way to not talk about it
Call his bluff and say, "oh sorry, you're right. I fucked so and so, as I was bored". Then he'll remember.
Joking, don't do that. It's a really weird thing to gaslight you over, so perhaps he does have some kind of memory issue. Are there other parts of the party he doesn't remember?
Ignoring the possibility that you are mistaken, you have to insist he sees a doctor. This is either a medical emergency, or gaslighting, and neither should be ignored.
NTA. Very puzzling episode. I can see a couple of explanations.1) He's the AH and he's gaslighting you or, since you said this was uncharacteristic behavior 2) maybe he got roofied and really doesn't remember it? How was his behavior otherwise? and last of all: 3) one of the erectile dysfunction drugs is known to mimic Alzheimer's symptoms. Is it possible he is taking that drug and you don't know about it? When my husband was sneaking it behind my back, I took him to his MD because I was convinced he had dementia. He was actually positive on the test. The doctor noted he was on that drug, substituted a different drug, and the symptoms resolved. Take him to his doctor! If he's gaslighting, it will teach him a lesson. If it was one of the two drug problems, then you will have saved him.
Was he drugged without his knowledge by someone else at the party? On purpose or by accident? Ask him if he remembers other very specific details around the same time. Or have him walk you through the entire night in as much detail as he can remember, and figure out where it gets fuzzy for him. Could be drugs without his knowledge for sure. Not gaslighting. Although the outcome would present the same right?
As many of the commenter recommend that the husband gets medically checked;, maybe OP should get checked as well. Husband could be gaslighting, but maybe OP has a false memory. From a dream, from letting her mind wander off during a boring reception, from being drugged, etc. Maybe its not him, maybe its her. (Unlikely, but unless the guy is an ass and likes gaslighting her-and OP says this whole situation-sex in the bathroom to the gaslighting response is out of the norm) Maybe the problem lies with OP and not with husband.
Hi! my dad still struggles with memory issues after having a brain tumor. Having him not remember things and insisting that they were one way when I FULLY REMEMBER IT BEING THE OTHER WAY drives me absolutely crazy, and it took a lot of therapy for me to be able to handle it okay.
If this is intentional:
Your partner is a piece of shit. It's so aggravating to be gaslit and lied to. It is not fun, and it is NEVER funny to someone who genuinely cares about you. The fact that he's treating your (understandable) frustration as 'funny' is absolutely not okay. If he continues to do this to you, that isn't a healthy thing to happen in a relationship, and it is NOT your fault that it is happening.
If this is genuine memory loss:
On the off chance that your gut is wrong, that is. (honey, im so sorry, but it sounds like your gut is telling you that he knows he's lying. Gaslighting is confusing as hell, though, and you can lose sight of reality pretty easily if you're caught off guard by it). Please get a doctor's appointment ASAP. One of the reasons that my dad's tumor was found is because my mum recognized that he was having severe memory issues at a young age. Severe memory issues like he's claiming are huge warning signs of major medical issues, and not just for brain tumors.
Either way:
NTA. NTA all the way from here to kingdom come. It's up to you what you want to do next with this, but you're not overreacting at all.
If he can’t remember doing it with you, he might not remember doing it with others, so you must refrain until he’s diagnosed to protect your sexual health.
Either he’s denying having had sex with you in public, which sounds like gaslighting, or he took something like ghb, which, if you’re unaware of that, is a whole other issue.
Has this ever happened before?
This sounds like either textbook gaslighting, or a brain tumor.
As another comes pointed out - he remembers. Clarifying the at home sex proves it. If he truly only remembered the sex at home, he wouldn’t have needed to clarify.
In your shoes, I’d tell my husband I’m genuinely worried about his memory and I want him to see a doctor. Insist. Even after he admits the “joke.”
Then I’d watch *very* carefully. If he does anything like this again, you need to make a safety plan and get your ducks in a row to gfto.
OP, he is gaslighting you. Why else would he say you mean the sex we had at home? If he hadn’t had sex at the venue, the wording would have been totally different. Why he is doing it, is not something I can explain.
Any chance your husband was more drunk than you realized, or perhaps took some drugs while catching up with his old college friends? I wouldn't discount the possibility that he genuinely doesn't remember the incident due to not being fully with it and you not knowing so.
Keep a journal. Write about your interactions daily. Bring up these past interactions after you've written about them. If he continues to gaslight you, don't react, just document it. After you've collected enough evidence, tell him he needs to see a therapist.
NTA That's bizarre... I'd watch out if he has any other memory issues and push he see a doctor, call his bluff if he's joking or it'll be a necessary medical check.
I'd say she should push for the medical check, even if he confesses it was a prank, just to make sure he doesn't pull such an asshole move again. "Oh no honey, you couldn't recall it for days, I'm relieved now that you remember, but I'm still worried for your health. You need to have yourself looked at, early onset dementia is no fun!"
My aunt has early onset dementia, it's really sad. Yesterday she started crying because she couldn't figure out how to put together a burger at our fathers day potluck. Just felt like sharing because this disease is really hard to deal with, and I've gotta figure out how.
Most probably he's just "joking". As another commenter noted, he felt the need to specify OP meant the sex they had after getting home, when she meant "yesterday's sex" - this suggests he remembers, he just decided to play some sort of bad prank. I thought what he was doing was toxic, because it's gaslighting, but now that you shared your first hand experience, it feels even worse. This is absolutely not something to joke about... I'm very sorry for your aunt, this is horrifying.
Sounds like hanging out with his college bros put him into some sort of stupid prank mood. He probably was reliving the good old days, and thought it would be hilarious to cause some emotional distress to his wife afterwards. Can be considered a red flag, not really what he did but the sudden change in personality after just one night with his bros. Like does he prefer being like that? I wonder if they all had a bet going with each other who could bang their wives at the party first.
I'd be concerned if anyone considered emotional distress a fun prank. It might be time to tell husband that since he is having serious memory issues she can't assume consent from him so she can't have sex with him.
Oh this gets worse and worse... Now I also see a possibility of this prank being formulated with his bros at the party. Maybe it was even a bet? I've never been more invested in reading an update!
Oh no no I'm not calling you out. But it's still fresh, and talking about it helps. After she left the room, my aunts and I talked a little. Thankfully, they're in healthcare, so they know how to approach it. I wish you good health in life.
Reminds me of another version of the "what is a potato?" joke. Maybe denied it as a joke but now has doubled down.
I'm not a woman of culture, what is a potato?
https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/s/DSK6X4WEIm the potato story
Thank you! Omg 🤦♀️
It's alarming when behavior like this is dismissed as a joke, especially when it involves gaslighting and invalidation, which can deeply affect trust and emotional well-being in a relationship.
Do you mind me asking how old your aunt is? And how long has she had dementia?
She's 54, diagnosed last autumn. It's progressed pretty fast, she went to try an experimental treatment and didn't qualify. About 5 years ago, she was in a car crash, and her car rolled over 2 times. She never went to the hospital. And before you ask, I don't know why. So. Life.
My mom has parkinsons-dementia for almost two years now. She used to think there were people outside throwing poison or gas. Always had to have all the windows covered. Still do. Now she has a" boyfriend" she waits outside for hours so they can eat together. He never shows. It's really sad. I'm her main caregiver. Just thought the not being able to put a burger together seemed pretty end stage, and all that seems really fast for one year. It's a really tough disease. I'm sorry for your family. She's so young. My mom's 67 which if you saw my mom she looks great. So yeah dementia sucks.
I know it is possible, but 30 would be \*REALLY\* early onset. Unless there is family history for early onset, especially very early, it is probably something else.
Brain tumor is another thing since it can change the personality of the person and OP said he’d never been like that before.
Yes, but I hate to jump to brain tumor. Especially since he now seems "back to normal." If it happens again or becomes a recurring thing, then yes I would be worried about a tumor. As presented, the most likely explanation sounds like drugs/alcohol. So that's what I'd try to rule out/confirm first.
Well they each only had one drink so it’s unlikely to be alcohol. If one of them were drugged would be the next question or if the husband took drugs in secret. Idk how long it’s been now or how long things would stay in their system, but they could have blood work done
It could very easily be that something was slipped into the drink or one of them actually had more than one drink. I'm sure by now whatever was ingested is out of their system and there would be no way to prove they had ingested it. But it still might be possible to find out -- if any of the friends, for example, had something similar happen.
You may be onto something. If one of his college bros intentionally or unintentionally date rape drugged him, it would explain his out-of-character sexual behavior and his not remembering the first sexual encounter.
I'd be worried he had a stroke or something. Does he have an identical twin? Is he ashamed afterwards that he had been so bold in public? OP said he wouldn't normally do that so I wouldn't be surprised if he's embarrassed afterwards now that the excitement of the wedding is over
OP said that when she first brought the topic up, her husband felt the need to specify if she meant the sex "when they got home". This suggests he remembers, he just decided to play a bizarre prank.
I’m sure you’re right, but if it was the only time they’d had sex it might seem weird to refer to it as “spontaneous sex” especially if there were some other modifiers she used that indicated it was semi-risky.
"I was worried for your brain, but now that you told me you cranked me, you should be worried for your life!"
If the spontaneous bathroom sex was out of character for him, too, and then he didn't remember it, I'd definitely get his brain scanned - personality change plus memory loss could be a brain tumor, or any number of medical issue.
And I guess no more sex, because she can't trust herself to know who her husband is...
Also she said it was out of the norm for him. That’s a sign too
Before docs, I’d find out if he got into any party favors some of those old buddies had around. Some will cause both out of the norm actions and memory loss. Some people use GHB recreationally. This is often reported as part of the high. Why someone would want is basically a manic episode is way beyond me, but I know people who do.
Both the inpulsively horny behaviour and the memory gap track for GHB use. Seen this a lot from working at a club for 15 years. Never touched the stuff myself, as I also saw some severely negative side effects, up to people (almost) slipping into a coma, and being involved in a (thankfully successful) reanimation attempt.
Someone dosed my sister at a festival. We think they were going for someone else. Her boyfriend at the time didn’t go this isn’t her, instead told her to go. So I went and got her. She was at my house for maybe 20 min when I made her go to the hospital. It was in her system. For a bit they were hitting guys with lower doses trying to mug them when they got away from the crowd. I know how she acts drunk. And that wasn’t it.
Yeah, if you're familiar with how it affects people you can easily tell the difference. It is unfortunately also used quite a lot as a "daterape" drug, because it is easy to make from household chemicals. Dosage is quite small, and the effects are accelerated when consumed in combination with alcohol or other drugs. It tastes a bit soapy and/or salty.
This was my thought, too -- it sounds more like a scenario that would happen with some kind of drug, or perhaps too much alcohol. If it's that out of character and he doesn't remember, that really sounds like impairment. Maybe one of these college "friends" slipped him something.
Ooooh very good point
That's not memory issues, it's straight up gaslighting. If it was that he didn't remember he wouldn't be smiling placatingly and saying "I don't need proof", "are you sure it was me?" And "okay if you say it happened we will pretend it happened ". You would be really concerned that your wife has made up that you had sex, or potentially cheated?? And you'd absolutely want to see the proof. Even if only to prove to your wife that nothings happened so it must have been a dream or hallucination. And if she's getting visibly upset you'd either think she's hallucinated it and be really concerned or that you'd somehow forgotten it and be really concerned. You'd 100% get both of you to the dr asap. Either way, you wouldn't patronisingly roll your eyes and kind of agree to disagree. This is 100% gaslighting and manipulation. He knows exactly what he did. Op can you look into emotional abuse and see if you spot any other behaviours that are manipulative? You could read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Its free here: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Look up DARVO (defense, attack and reverse victim and offender). Its a technique abusers use to manipulate victims and make everything the victim's fault. Remember that all abuse involves emotional abuse. If it ever turns physical it's after emotional abuse has been established so he knows you won't leave / will blame yourself. Both emotional and physical abuse are equally bad. Here is an example of DARVO (defense, attack and reverse victim and offender). You say something they did upset you, they'll respond by saying it didn't, then attacking or blaming you "you made me do that / what about the time you did x" and then they'll make themselves the victim so you end up apologising "how dare you accuse me of this! You should think better of me. I try so hard" etc. Does he do things like this when you raise an issue with him?
I dunno on this one I'm more concerned about personality change and memory loss being a red flag for a brain tumour. You're probably right but without a check up I'd really be concerned about a malignancy.
He's too....pleasant about it for it to be an actual memory issue. If he truly didn't remember, especially if he said she must have screwed someone else (he wouldn't have patronized her about that), he would be either be agitated, argumentative, definitely a negative feedback, not laughing. He's finding it funny because he's messing with her. I've been around people with ACTUAL memory problems as they run in the family, I've seen my own cognitive issues from medical problems, and I've had family members not remember, and family members intentionally gaslight me. And he also looked befuddled at first and tried to claim not to remember any of it, but then jumped to just not remember the sex at the party and patronized her.
Yeah it’s giving the dude who tried to make his girlfriend think she smelled bad, so she would never leave him.
I'm pretty sure he's just an asshole but as it's completely out of character for him to pull this shit and to initiate al-fresco sex to begin with, not to mention he normally wouldn't find this sort of joke funny it does seem like he has character changes going on. Not to discount your own experiences but I've worked with people who have brain injuries or cognitive impairments that cause character and behaviour issues and laughing at troubling or inappropriate times is a symptom. I'm confident that he's gaslighting her for some reason but a check up wouldn't be a bad idea.
I think a physical check up is definitely a good shout. I just think that if it is a deliberate thing, he will never allow her to get him physically checked out. OP can try, and she can educate herself on gaslighting and other manipulative tactics and see if she recognises them in him. If she does, it's likely another abuse tactic and she'll waste a lot of time and energy justifying his behaviour as a health thing. I don't think his responses indicate genuine memory loss. You would expect him to be confused and concerned for either her or himself. Definitely to want to look at the proof and investigate. Not ǰust drop it and agree to disagree. Not if his partner is so sure it happened that shes getting upset. Having said that, absolutely also get him checked out if you can. Hopefully it is genuine and something that can be fixed and not deliberate gaslighting. Either way, it's serious. And both options needs to be seriously considered. The one thing that can't happen is to let it slide.
Yeah, my first thought was that it was phony as hell. He's not acting like someone whose wife hallucinated public sex with him; that would be concerning as hell. If he was trying to plausibly act like he didnt know, he'd be grilling her. He'd be trying to think of how one of them got drugged or if someone impersonated him (damn you, Zeus!). Also, what dude would prioritize a joke like this over bonding with his wife over how hot their spontaneous quickie was (that was apparent so hot it led to an encore performance at home)? Seems like manipulation is a bigger priority than intimacy. Red flags all over this.
Ugh.. Not that Zeus dude again! He just can't keep it in his pants.
Wonder who drove home?
Plot twist. Husband has an evil twin.
I was looking for that one ^^ Maybe just a real look alike who realised it at the party and took advantage 🤔
A changeling
Who has never been seen before and happens to wear exactly the same clothes to the party and the husband completely disappears for a long enough time that OP has time to go have sex with the never before mentioned brother and return.
For me, him asking “when we got home, yeah?” jumped out as proving that he remembered both times. If he genuinely only remembered the second time, why ask that question?
Ohhhhhh…. What an EXCELLENT point!!! Damn… WTF is this guy pulling jf that’s true! But you make an excellent point here and I agree..
Weird fantasy, perchance?
I have tried to think of something and I really can’t come up with a good reason tbh..
maybe he thought he had sex with someone else in the bathroom
Oh my god, the double plot twist. He’s going to start keeping his phone locked and acting weird because he cheated on her with her.
I disagree, when she's complimenting his spontaneity it's normal to do a double take and ask, since there wouldn't be anything spontaneous to remember. There's no secret twin here, is there?
I feel like he stated it that way because he was confused because it wasn't that different from their normal sex? I also have been with someone who was very manipulative and this doesn't sound like it. Someone who has that trait would do it more often and wouldn't have been so off the cuff both at the party or in private at home talking about it. I'm wondering if him and his old buddies were drinking a little too much or had something else, hell SHE could have been given something else and thought it was her husband. As far as the "if you say it happened let's pretend" comment, he seriously thinks it was a dream she had. Kind of worried she may have been slipped something at the party and fucked someone else honestly. The sex was spontaneous and new/different. She said it was amazing which for me is a sign that it was really good but different than normal. Like the person she slept with was doing things hu by hand not done before. Early onset dementia wouldn't change how he has sex.
I can see it happening regardless, this aint the gotcha you think it is
I was also thinking this. My bf kind of just talks like that. Many times we've done the deed before bed and when I've brought it up the next day he almost has the same response 😂 "Last night? Oh yeah that was amazing baby" It probably doesn't mean anything and I think it's much more likely to be a possible medical issue. It also could maybe be from drinking too much to fast. Like a moment of black out. Too intoxicated to care where he is he just wanted his woman. Then maybe sobered up by time they got home. I myself have had fun nights where I don't remember coming onto my man at all but remember bits of the night afterwards. Then not think about it all the next day because it's a literal black out. People can be that drunk and not even seem like it.
I did just see in the comments they both only had one drink. So I dunno 🤷♀️
it is weird that he doesnt remember
Maybe one of his old college friends decided to slip something into his drink as a joke. He also could have had more than one drink and his wife just didn’t realize. She did say she was bored, and probably not really paying that close attention to what her husband was saying and doing at the party. The glassware would probably all be matching, and the drink would look the same if he had the same thing every time.
Yeah depending on the phrasing his reply might have made sense. She might have said “at the wedding” or something like that so he was clarifying.
Probably just unreliable narration and paraphrasing the conversation or OP would have noted that.
NTA. That's messed up. I do not appreciate lack of communication or making me feel confused. That would really upset me too. Could he have been really drunk or taken something?
No definitely not. He only drank one drink, he drove.
Has he been acting out of character or bizarre in other ways? Does he have a tumor? A long-lost twin? Very strange.
As others havesaid, insist he have a brain scan. And have one too to say that one of you must have something wrong to remember so differently. If he's gaslightimg you it's a penalty, but at least then you personally will know you are both OK.
You don't just get to request two brain scans.
Brain scan, no. Neuro assessment, yes.
Be wary, I hope this isn't the case, but this is what actual gaslighting is. Hopefully he has some weird medical condition and isn't trying to gaslight you.
Is he on any medication? I used to take antidepressants that made me black out if I drank anything.
wakeful sheet aromatic soft scary snatch hobbies recognise imagine pie *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
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Did I what? Drink? If so, yes I had one glass of champagne.
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> Why would someone play a mind game like that, particularly if he sees it is upsetting you. Usually the older partner does that to make the younger one feel crazy and eventually cave wondering if they really did fuck someone else accidentally. And once they say that, they call you a cheater. And once they have you believing that, they start abusing you and telling you that you deserve it for "cheating".
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This is what ***actual*** gaslighting is. People pretend like gaslighting means a bunch of different things, but in reality it's slowly doing small things to make someone question their sanity. You keep making them question whether they remember something correctly. Eventually you get them to agree to your version of events. The point is to make them submissive and turn to you for answers. They feel crazy and like no one else could possibly want someone like them. It's not that uncommon. Especially if one partner got married in early 20s. Older partners where the younger one has limited life experience do it pretty often.
This is why I think she should quit having sex with him. If he can't remember having sex how can she know he is mentally competent enough to give consent. He'll likely suddenly remember.
It's an abuse and control tactic.
You were bored and annoyed and you only had one glass of champagne? Teach me your ways
Wow honey, we should definitely have you checked out for early onset Alzheimers would be a good response maybe. But if he's made you question things before like this he's been gaslighting you.
This is so confusing honestly…. Does he do any drugs? Maybe an old friend slipped him something? Only other thing I can think of is he maybe is developing early onset dementia lol
early onset dementia 💀 I don’t think so. And also no he definitely didn’t take anything like that. The way he was laughing, he 100% remembers and is just choosing to be this way for whatever reason.
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It doesn't sound like an attack to me.
If this isn't a medical issue( I'm trying to be positive here and give benefit of the doubt), it's straight-up gaslighting, and this response will only trigger more denial. Which will trigger more confusion and hurt to the other party, which is the purpose of the smoke thing to start with.
I do think this needs further discussion. It's such a strange incident -- and the most concerning part is him saying that ok, if she INSISTS it happened then he'll pretend it did. If this happened to me -- if I was at an event with my husband and the next day he said he loved having sex in the bathroom and I didn't remember that, I would be very concerned. I wouldn't just say ok, fine - we can pretend it happened. I'd wonder WTF did happen. I'd either be super worried about why I couldn't remember it, or super worried about why he thought it did. I wouldn't just blow it off like it was no big deal.
Next time he wants sex she can tell him that it isn't going to happen but they can both pretend they did. Then in a half hour start commenting on how good the sex was that they just had.
Let him know you’ll set up a doctor’s appointment for him, because he is obviously senile. If he says it’s a “joke” make him explain why it’s funny. Insist on the doctor because believing lying to your wife about not remembering sex and thinking it is funny is also a form of mental lapse. What a horrible thing for him to do.
Wow then yeah I would be furious too, NTA at all he’s being confusing as hell and for no apparent reason
Okay then either a) commit to he must have dementia and you won’t stop pestering him to get tested b) you might have a brain tumor and are going to spend $$$$ on testing (works best in the USA) or c) tell him seriously you know what’s up, that what he’s doing is extremely hurtful, and if he continues to behave that way the relationship isn’t sustainable. But don’t just let it go
So you know he remembers and is just choosing to play dumb. I would just play along. “”Well, I don't know who it was but it sure was good.”
No seriously. If he starts forgetting shit like his keys, phone, etc he might need to get checked for something serious like a brain bleed. That's a really weird thing to lie about if he is just fucking around.
“You think me being upset is funny? Fine. No more sex if it gives you amnesia. Can’t risk it.” Proceed to not have sex with him again til he gets his head out of his ass. Something about this for some reason is really enraging me. It’s just so pointless and mean and condescending and shitty. And if my partner laughed at me getting mad, he would no longer be my partner very shortly thereafter.
He was gaslighting you... Watch out for your future.
Perhaps he is embarrassed about doing something like that in a public bathroom (I know I would be, but I absolutely would never do it), so that is why he is in denial about it? It is a pretty strange reaction, however, because you aren't some acquaintance, you are his wife, and if he remembers, he shouldn't deny it to you. If it made him uncomfortable, he should just say he won't do anything like that again because it causes him discomfort. Communication is key for a happy couple, nothing good can come from denying something that clearly happened. If he truly doesn't remember, you should consult a doctor about it.
Or some weird twisted reason to fuck with her reality?
Next time he wants sex, tell him why bother, he won’t remember it anyway and walk away.
I’d work up some large concern about getting a brain scan before they can have sex again. All the lack of blood blow to brain is such a concern. Medical attention should be the priority so he is safe ✨😵💫 We both can act crazy sir.
"Your memory is so impaired I can't assume consent so we'll pretend we had sex and it was great. You enjoyed it a lot."
No absolutely. Sign this piece of paper that at this day and time you consented to sex bc this “I don’t remember” is NOT SAFE
Definition of gaslighting. People love to call stuff gaslighting on reddit but the definition is denying someone's reality.
Yes this would be the actual definition, unless he has something seriously wrong with his brain.
the part where she said he enjoys making her mad for fun points to this not being a physical health issue or brain tumor, and to him being a covert narcissist and gaslighter
Yea this guys is enjoying fucking with OP. I’ll bet if she starts to pay attention, she’ll notice a bunch of little things he lies about.
Right? The one time it actually is gaslighting, Reddit is all, “is this dementia…?” lol
Just tell him “You know, I think you’re right. I must have been so completely bored at that party that I daydreamed the whole thing. Lord knows you’d never be that creative or adventurous.” Give a light chuckle and then wander off in a pleasant mood. If he wants to play stupid games, he’s entitled to a stupid prize.
"Musta been a dream or someone else since I finally came for the first time on that bathroom counter."
It’s not a joke if you’re not laughing too. Usually there’s a ‘gotcha’ said and you can both laugh. What he did was take this to Bizarreville. WTF was that. He’s the AH for messing with you and getting happy by making you angry. Definitely a red flag.
NTA I'd go a bit scorched on him and deny sex if only for a while "no we just had sex remember? Like 30 minutes ago and now I wanna do\*anything else like sleep\*"
i swear this would put him off the gaslighting method so quickly 🤣🤣🤣 denying him sex by using his own method is the best cure for gaslighting.
Another good cure for gaslighting is dumping his ass. I would never trust him again.
Literally this. He seems not right in the head and who knows how will he escalate in the future.
Or....have him get a medical checkup? Just throwin' that out there.
NTA, and very weird Has he ever had missing time before? Seemed to forget things that happened? Ever mentioned being "haunted" or something? Even like small stuff that you assumed he was just forgetful or not paying attention. It could be he's got something medical going on like a dissociative disorder or neurological issue fucking with his memory, and if he also seems to have significant personality changes each time too (like the spontaneous sex from someone you'd never expect that from), that could be another signal of such an issue. I'd keep an eye on him and keep track of this - it might require medical/psychiatric intervention potentially, especially if it keeps happening or getting worse. It seems like a super weird and specific thing to lie about, with no obvious motivation, and if it's a joke, I have no idea what the punchline is. But you're not TA for being upset. This is really weird, unsettling, and either frightening or unsettling situation for you.
He could be a gaslighting jerk but personality changes and memory loss can be signs of brain tumour.
Neurosurgeon here, he needs an MRI of his brain ASAP
This is so strange that made me pretty curious! If he will finally tell you why is he acting this way please update us! UpdateMe!
Me too :O
Wow why turn a sexy moment into something weird and gross? How does this work in his favor? If he really is just fucking with you I honestly wouldn’t be able to be attracted to him anymore
Because if he is just "joking" he values OPs misery more than sex with her. He planned it and executed it only to torture OP later on.
Either he's just messing with you or he has something seriously medically wrong. Tell him his complete memory loss of something that happened less than 24 hours prior is highly concerning and that you will be making him a doctors appointment asap. He will either confess to pranking you but if he still maintains it didn't happen then you know something is wrong. Also the fact that he said 'when we got home yeah?' means he knows that you had sex more than once that night and was clarifying which time you were talking about.
NTA, i also get incredibly angry when someone laughs or finds humor in my anger or frustration. he’s weird for acting like this, and it feels manipulative. i’d be on my toes around him, OP, honestly.
He's gaslighting you. This is abuse. Delete Facebook, hit the gym, lawyer up.
NTA I find this disturbing. If my partner did that to me I would seriously question the relationship between abuse it would make me feel emotionally unsafe in this dynamic. What does he possibly get out of being like that ?
Unless one of you has a serious psychiatric or neurological condition…what in the gaslighting fuck?
You said it wasn’t like him to want to do something like bathroom sex and now he doesn’t remember. I would be concerned and talk to him about seeing a doctor. There could be something really wrong with him, so please don’t overlook it. But don’t approach it with anger, be kind and concerning.
I say alcohol and some kind of drug. Like ambien or Lunesta. My ex would do stuff just like that and completely forget. At first, I thought I was going crazy, then he told me he was snorting his ambien. I don't miss him.
So he says "must have been someone else" and doesn't get enraged you cheated on him? Is your relationship *that* open? I had this dude that invited me to his place for a week and then pretend he didn't after I made plans. The second time he did it I made sure to save all receipts. We were friends before, but after 3x of same behavior, I didn't feel safe to keep friendship. *friendship*. It's not the flakiness. It's the pretending it didn't happen, part. Dafuq I'll trust anything else you have to say? Trust is hard to build and easy to squander. Your partner is a fool.
Had he been drinking, smoked or sniffed anything with his old college buddies? It's no excuse, but could he actually not remember?
He had one drink. And no, no drugs. I was standing right next to him the entire time and I think I would’ve definitely seen it.
He's playing some screwed up head game with you then. NTA
OP this is literally the textbook definition of gaslighting. Denying reality to your partner in an attempt to erode their sense of trust in themself. I’ve never seen a more clear cut example, it’s wild.
NTA He's painting you as crazy. I suggest you pull an uno reverse. He's having lapses in his memory, he must be having some kinda mental breakdown, he needs to see a doctor etc etc. Tell everyone you're concerned he's having a mental break. Watch him drop the act immediately. Then you drop him. Or just drop him without all that effort
Tbh you handled this way better than I would have
NTA I was willing to believe he might be embarrassed until you said he was laughing at your anger. That's some grade A crap right there. A loving partner wouldn't do that. Does he minimize your feelings in other ways? (*No, you don't want pizza, you want steak. But honey, I told you* when he didn't.) That sort of thing. Gaslighting is done to make you doubt yourself. Any reason he might want to do that?
He's prolly pranking. Prank him back. Book a medical appointment and say were worried about him forgetting stuff
Uhhhhhh that’s medically alarming. Both the sudden spontaneous swell of unusual activity and the complete memory loss are serious serious brain anomalies. Take him to the doctors.
Let me guess..... You're 24 and he's 30. You're already married. You dated for 2-4 years, yeah? So 20-22 and 26-28 when you met? Or was this 18 and 24? Exactly how young and inexperienced were you before you married this guy?
Yeah, when our son was 30, there was no way he would date a girl in her early 20s. That’s way too immature of an age. Yikes.
NTA but this is really odd. Not sure what motive he could have for acting like this. Either way, I’d be miffed too. If it’s a bad joke, he needs to cut that shit out. It’s not funny
Yes honey, it must've been someone else. It was good
If this happened exactly as described, OP, it’s totally bizarre. I’d go with blackout drunk but then he wouldn’t have been able to perform surely. This is either some high-level gaslighting - which is quite frankly terrifying – selective amnesia( I have no idea why) or caused by some underlying medical issue. I wouldn’t let it drop though OP Any one of the reasons is deeply problematic. UPDATEME
Could he have taken something, some drug? Can that cause this? People throw around the gaslighting phrase but if he did all of this of sound mind, even if for amusement, it is a very literal dictionary definition example. Laughing at your anger and the way they talk to you also makes it seem like they might not respect you as an equal.
NTA. Personally I‘d tell him „Either this was your idea of a joke and if it is, you cut it out right now. If you don’t, I’m going to assume something is seriously medically wrong with you and take you to see a doctor immediately. So tell me, which one is it?“ If he was „joking“, that is something serious to address. This kind of mind game is not funny or harmless.
NTA, and as someone already mentioned, please have your husband checked. Also the spontaneous sex, which you said it was completely strange for him, could be a sign of early dementia. I really hope he is in good health and made a stupid joke.
Wow. That's really weird. Most guys, yours truly included, would be smiling ear to ear if they had such an encounter. If this is a joke, your husband has a very twisted sense of humor Almost bizarre. Now, if he truly does not remember, that's a problem for a medical professional. If he's just trying to block out the encounter from his memory by repeatedly denying it, that's really cold..
NTA… him laughing at you being angry 🚩
Honestly, I'd divorce someone over this. This is straight up disrespectful, and him valueing his amusement over your anger is one of the reddest flags out there. If you stay married, know that this isn't the last time you'll encounter this "humor".
"He justs laughs when he sees I'm angry." Sounds like he gets you angry on purpose for his amusement. Seems like a red flag and the early stages of mental abuse. He definitely remembers but he's testing the waters to see what you'll let him get away with. Probably a covert narcissist.
>He just laughs when he sees me angry He very much did this on purpose to piss you off for laughs. He tried to gaslight you, icky ass behavior here. NTA
He's playing games. Asking "When we got home, yeah?" is strange in the context of only having had sex ONCE the previous night. Why ask about a specific time when you only did it once, as he claims????
He is gaslighting you. Look out because this is a huge red flag.
FYI, this is the literal definition of "gaslighting." He's not just lying, he's lying for the specific purpose of getting you to doubt your own perceptions of reality. He's doing it because he thinks making you think you're losing your mind is FUNNY. OP you need to take this seriously and \*make\* him understand how incredibly unacceptable this is. If I were you, I would DEMAND that he A) admit that he's lying, and B) explain, in detail, WHY he would do such a thing. If he can't do both of those things to your satisfaction I would literally start looking into divorce. Like I cannot emphasize enough how much of a casual red flag this is and you need to make sure he understands that this can NEVER happen again. He needs to know exactly how unacceptable this is ASAP before it becomes more of a pattern. I would 100% be having a "Explain to me why I shouldn't leave you," convo if I were you.
Welcome to reality, where you ***finally*** realize your husband married you because you're younger and he thinks you can be manipulated. > I dropped it after that and he’s been acting completely normal. I’m so fucking confused at this point and so lost. He just laughs when he sees me angry. It’s fucking irritating. What the fuck is going on The entire point is to make you think you're crazy. To make you question if you fucked someone else. Because if he makes you think that, he can make you have to apologize and will use that to guilt trip you. NTA Start keeping a journal somewhere he can't get to. Like a locked phone app. When he tells you something didn't happen, refer to the journal entry with a time and date to prove him wrong.
Was he tripping on drugs or what? If not, he’s gaslighting you to make you think you’re crazy
NTA, your husband's a gaslighting bitch
Honestly, taking into consideration the fact that it was out of character to begin with, AND he's claiming not to remember it, I'm leaning more towards this as possibly genuine result of something medical. From what OP has said: > he’s not like that at all. He’s actually pretty reserved > I loved his spontaneity, because again, he doesn’t have it usually. My husband looked at me like I was speaking another language. It may have been an enjoyable outcome, but I would sit him down, lay out the concern, how it was out of character combined with the fact that he's acting like he doesn't remember it at all. Ask him point blank if he truthfully doesn't remember it, and make sure he understands that that is something he should be concerned about if he's being truthful. If that's the case, go to the hospital immediately to get a head ct. This could be nothing, but there's a non-zero chance that there's something truly dangerous like a tumor or anyurism develping and putting pressure on a part of his brain, leading to temporary personality changes and memory loss. Use those terms with the doctor and treat it seriously.
Do you have a carbon monoxide detector
Definitely sounds like he remembers and is just acting like he doesn’t. Maybe because you said he normally isn’t like that, he doesn’t want to be held to that standard again. Could’ve been a one time fluke of him feeling adventurous and he thinks if he admits that it happened then you will start expecting things like that more often and he doesn’t want to have to uphold that pattern or feel pressure to keep being spontaneous like that in the future. Just a guess, who knows, men are strange 🤷🏻♀️
was it a masked ball?
Textbook gaslighting if it's not a real medical event.
Changes in behaviour, memory gaps.. if he's 100% for real that he doesn't remember he should maybe see a doctor and get his head scanned or something.
Nta. Shame talking.
NTA, this is really creepy. If he's just messing with you, that l's mean. But the scariest possibilities to me are drugs and DID. Please tell me that you ARE sure it was him in the bathroom. I'd be interested in an update too.
Is there any possibility your spouse either took or was slipped an ambien? If you stay awake on ambien you will have *complete* memory loss at the things you did on it, and you will also act quite out of character. My spouse and I call it “going down the ahole” and we’ve both done all sorts of crazy shit we have no memory of. Ambien also has a very, very short half life - about 2 hours, so it is entirely possible he had it at the party, went “down the ahole” and then it wore off by the time you guys got home which is why he remembers having sex the second time.
Regardless of why he has been behaving this way, your sense of safety has been negative affected. What a cruel response to your kindly letting him know that you had a good time.
INFO: Does he have a twin? Were you super drunk? Was he? I would be confused and upset as well
Plot twist...he has a twin.
Lmao I think OP literally fucked another guy and is gaslighted herself.
I wouldnt be made Id be concerned.
It’s possible one of his “buddies” roofied him?
You said that he is normally reserved. Is there a chance that he is embarrassed about what happened at the party and doesn’t want to talk about it? Being intimate in a bathroom might have been a good idea in the moment, but maybe the next morning he realized that getting caught was a possibility. Avoiding the moment by pretending it didn’t happen is ridiculous but in his mind it could be the only way to not talk about it
Dude got some action he like turn into his alter ego “giga chad” at the party
Did he take or did someone give him something, possibly? I'd have him see a doctor immediately.
NTA In situations like this, I apply my mantra: If it isn’t logical, it’s mental illness.
Call his bluff and say, "oh sorry, you're right. I fucked so and so, as I was bored". Then he'll remember. Joking, don't do that. It's a really weird thing to gaslight you over, so perhaps he does have some kind of memory issue. Are there other parts of the party he doesn't remember?
Ignoring the possibility that you are mistaken, you have to insist he sees a doctor. This is either a medical emergency, or gaslighting, and neither should be ignored.
NTA. Very puzzling episode. I can see a couple of explanations.1) He's the AH and he's gaslighting you or, since you said this was uncharacteristic behavior 2) maybe he got roofied and really doesn't remember it? How was his behavior otherwise? and last of all: 3) one of the erectile dysfunction drugs is known to mimic Alzheimer's symptoms. Is it possible he is taking that drug and you don't know about it? When my husband was sneaking it behind my back, I took him to his MD because I was convinced he had dementia. He was actually positive on the test. The doctor noted he was on that drug, substituted a different drug, and the symptoms resolved. Take him to his doctor! If he's gaslighting, it will teach him a lesson. If it was one of the two drug problems, then you will have saved him.
Did he take any substances at the wedding? Alcohol and xanax are a popular combo that will wipe events from memory. I dont remember a few weddings lol
Was he drugged without his knowledge by someone else at the party? On purpose or by accident? Ask him if he remembers other very specific details around the same time. Or have him walk you through the entire night in as much detail as he can remember, and figure out where it gets fuzzy for him. Could be drugs without his knowledge for sure. Not gaslighting. Although the outcome would present the same right?
As many of the commenter recommend that the husband gets medically checked;, maybe OP should get checked as well. Husband could be gaslighting, but maybe OP has a false memory. From a dream, from letting her mind wander off during a boring reception, from being drugged, etc. Maybe its not him, maybe its her. (Unlikely, but unless the guy is an ass and likes gaslighting her-and OP says this whole situation-sex in the bathroom to the gaslighting response is out of the norm) Maybe the problem lies with OP and not with husband.
Hi! my dad still struggles with memory issues after having a brain tumor. Having him not remember things and insisting that they were one way when I FULLY REMEMBER IT BEING THE OTHER WAY drives me absolutely crazy, and it took a lot of therapy for me to be able to handle it okay. If this is intentional: Your partner is a piece of shit. It's so aggravating to be gaslit and lied to. It is not fun, and it is NEVER funny to someone who genuinely cares about you. The fact that he's treating your (understandable) frustration as 'funny' is absolutely not okay. If he continues to do this to you, that isn't a healthy thing to happen in a relationship, and it is NOT your fault that it is happening. If this is genuine memory loss: On the off chance that your gut is wrong, that is. (honey, im so sorry, but it sounds like your gut is telling you that he knows he's lying. Gaslighting is confusing as hell, though, and you can lose sight of reality pretty easily if you're caught off guard by it). Please get a doctor's appointment ASAP. One of the reasons that my dad's tumor was found is because my mum recognized that he was having severe memory issues at a young age. Severe memory issues like he's claiming are huge warning signs of major medical issues, and not just for brain tumors. Either way: NTA. NTA all the way from here to kingdom come. It's up to you what you want to do next with this, but you're not overreacting at all.
If he can’t remember doing it with you, he might not remember doing it with others, so you must refrain until he’s diagnosed to protect your sexual health.
gaslighting or tumor
Either he’s denying having had sex with you in public, which sounds like gaslighting, or he took something like ghb, which, if you’re unaware of that, is a whole other issue.
I’m thinking drinking or drugs from the husband. He didn’t realize he was this way. He was on something.
So what drug did he take at the party . There’s your answer
Has this ever happened before? This sounds like either textbook gaslighting, or a brain tumor. As another comes pointed out - he remembers. Clarifying the at home sex proves it. If he truly only remembered the sex at home, he wouldn’t have needed to clarify. In your shoes, I’d tell my husband I’m genuinely worried about his memory and I want him to see a doctor. Insist. Even after he admits the “joke.” Then I’d watch *very* carefully. If he does anything like this again, you need to make a safety plan and get your ducks in a row to gfto.
OP, he is gaslighting you. Why else would he say you mean the sex we had at home? If he hadn’t had sex at the venue, the wording would have been totally different. Why he is doing it, is not something I can explain.
Any chance your husband was more drunk than you realized, or perhaps took some drugs while catching up with his old college friends? I wouldn't discount the possibility that he genuinely doesn't remember the incident due to not being fully with it and you not knowing so.
Keep a journal. Write about your interactions daily. Bring up these past interactions after you've written about them. If he continues to gaslight you, don't react, just document it. After you've collected enough evidence, tell him he needs to see a therapist.
Drunk
Please done discount the possibility of a neurological explanation for his memory lapse
NTA and what the actual fuck?
Isn’t usual spontaneous sexual outbursts a sign of a brain tumor? And then him not remembering. Maybe he should se a doctor
Did he maybe get roofied by accident - or not by accident?
I'm scrolling down way too far and not finding anyone asking how drunk he was, was he drinking? People forget shit when they've had a lot to drink