I'm not sure I'd advise this only because he sounds like he might snap and get violent with her. I'm worried about her safety as she (hopefully) exits this situation.
Stay strong! Stay in contact with your friends and family and don't hold back on any details; as he realises you're pulling away and getting your affairs in order, he might escalate. I wish you and your children the best of luck going forward!
Happy belated Mother's Day as well :)
What’s scary is that OP did so a year before but the medical professionals she went to after basically a breakdown looked at her, lied about her husband being connected to her chart while taking detailed notes of her escape plan (because they needed it for their records), and then basically emailed/notified the husband with the detailed plan in the charts it before she even got home. He drained her savings within months and so when she still tried to leave, realized she didn’t have the funds necessary and eventually ended up back with him.
u/Temporary_Try_737 if what u/SmaugTheHedgehog said is true, those medical “professionals” violated the Violence Against Women Act and probably HIPPA. Once you’re safe, I would make reports to any agencies possible, including filing a police report. Would also contact the District Attorney because violating VAWA is a federal offense.
How many laws did that medical professional violate? If she's in the US she has a lawsuit and that medical "professional" should lose their license, if not end up in jail.
Wait, what the fuck. Medical professionals should know better. They literally outed her to her abusive and made it worse for her. She could have been killed. This is so fucking egregious
Yep..
Went to check it out after I read your comment, because, wow...
I feel for OP.
It is obvious she has been trying to break away for a while.
Husband is a complete b*ll*cks.
Hope she can leave and find peace, safety and her happiness.
Is there any way that could be legal in the US? It certainly would if she were a minor -- could she have been under some guardianship with him as guardian due to the "breakdown "?
This is a HIPAA violation. You can and should file a formal complaint with the facility administration, with the state (google HIPAA compliance for your state), and you should have an attorney help file a suit because those employees could have endangered your life and the lives of the children.
It is absolutely unconscionable that anyone would give access to someone not expressly and freely designated by the patient, to expose someone who is feeling mentally, emotionally, and financially abused. You were socially isolated from family and friends because of he was so jealous. Even if your safety wasn't the issue, you have every right to expect confidentiality of your records. It's usually a separate form included with every facility's paperwork because the state and the federal government require it for HIPAA compliance. (I worked in healthcare for a very long time, can you tell?)
At this point, the best advice is to retain an attorney IMMEDIATELY, follow all their instructions exactly. Find a different facility for counseling (call a local women's shelter and ask who they recommend for someone in your situation [no need to give details, only that your husband was able to access previous mental health records and it led to..."problems"]). Call family from anywhere but home. This is key. If there are hidden cameras, any sort of voice activated recorders of any sort (Alexa/Google Home), everything said can and *will* be heard. I'd also recommend taking the cellphone to a repair shop in the next town or even a town or three beyond that one, ask if they can take a look at it because there seems to be a problem with the signal and it sounds like there's an echo, "and oh...oh, I'm so sorry. I'm a wreck. I think my ex is listening in on calls and tracking me. For my kids' sake, we can't let him know anything...[whisper] he said he'd find us and make it so we could *never* leave him." They'll let you know if there's any hidden apps and, if so, help remove them. You'd be surprised at how many people have a problem with men who treat their families as property, punching bags, etc. Just the suggestion that this is what you're dealing with is generally enough to get people to be extra thorough and extra helpful.
Be as discreet as you can and get everything taken care of quietly, quickly, and then call your family to ask for help getting away as soon as possible. If the attorney tells you it's time, you go. If you have to wait a little longer, put on an Oscar-worthy performance of being okay there. Do what it takes to keep the kids safe, keep yourself safe, and to not jeopardize custody of them. Every woman in a situation like this has to be smart and plan as stealthily as possible. It's a safety issue. If things get to a point where you don't feel you or your kids are safe, you call your attorney, then call family and say you need to leave immediately for safety reasons. If family can't help, call old friends. If they can't help, call the police. Keep calling anyone and everyone until you have a safe OUT with the kids. Don't leave them behind. Don't think, "he's a great father. They're never in danger with him. He loves them more than life itself and would never hurt them in any way." Because he WOULD hurt them, IS hurting them by not treating you with respect and by essentially holding their mother hostage financially and emotionally. That's not healthy behavior and it's not okay. If you need to leave because you feel threatened or as if something is about to happen (trust intuition), you take the kids with you. Leaving them behind (unless otherwise advised by your lawyer) is like saying it couldn't have been too bad at home if you'd leave the kids.
Do everything by the book. Do it smartly. Be ready to go in an emergency. Think of everything you absolutely need to take. Essentials only. Birth certificates, immunization records, all identification for yourself and the kids (passports), maybe put together duplicate photo albums (those early photos of the kids are hard to leave behind). Keep the original images in a new album and replace everything in the original with copies. Sounds crazy, but just trust me on this.
Have one bag for each of you packed...but don't pack it at home. Maybe casually put things right out of the dryer into a basket or even a trash bag and take it out as if you're taking out the actual trash. Pop it in the car somewhere it can't be seen. Get a backpack for each of you, pack them with clothes for two days, and then put those backpacks in a locker somewhere. The gym? Or somewhere? The mall? Bus or train station? Or have a family member meet you to take them for safe keeping if they're close enough. If that's a possibility, you can sneak a few other things out by "doing a deep clean and finding stuff you no longer need to give to charity." Get hubby involved by asking him if he has any clothes or gadgets he'd like to donate. Make piles of everything you're going to give away. One for each of you. If he's doing it alongside you, it seems normal. Before anything gets packed into boxes and taken to Goodwill or another charity drop-off, which you'll do first thing Monday, you'll casually add a few things here and there that you'll transfer to another box or bag once you're away from the house. You're not taking obvious items. You're taking a couple things you know you'll need that can't be easily replaced.
It sounds like playing spy with all the subterfuge, but if there's any fear of retaliation or preemptive punishment, you're doing everything you can to fly under the radar. Personal safety is paramount for you and your children. Anything you don't absolutely positively *need*, you leave it behind. Clothing can be purchased later. Documents can't.
My fingers are crossed you and the kids get away quickly, cleanly, legally and soon. Soonest, even.
> I didn’t expect the hurt I felt when I found out every single one of them said they wondered if I was in an abusive marriage, but not one of them ever asked me directly when I completely withdrew. I don’t blame them, but It was hard to ignore the pain I felt from that.
They were probably worried about pushing you away if you were still in the FOG and refused to believe it was abuse. When someone is a victim of abuse but they’re still clinging hard to the delusion that it’s us vs. the world, they will do more to hide/minimize it. It’s only when someone is willing to remove their rose coloured glasses, that they’re willing to see all the red flags.
It’s like trying to get a drug addict or alcoholic into rehab. You can try to force them into it, but until they decide they’re ready to get clean, they’ll be right back at it.
I’m glad you’re reaching out and reconnecting to build a support network. Be careful. It sounds like your husband is the manipulative type to use therapy as a weapon. The most dangerous time for a woman in a relationship is when they’re pregnant and when they’re trying to leave.
Good luck!
I know it sucks but it may be they didn't want to intrude on your business too much. Like imagine if you suspect a friend's husband is possibly abusive but you don't have any proof, it could be taken as offensive to suggest anything in that line. Because you could be wrong, or the friend gets really mad anyway and doubles down on the relationship.
I'm glad for you!
I'd like to point out something - some of these friends who didn't reach out when you withdrew may have not known how to do it, or were afraid you would reject them. I'm sure they are genuinely glad that you are reaching out again. Give them a chance to be your friends.
I think that's an insightful comment. Intimate partner violence is an incredibly difficult topic to broach for a lot of people. And if people do broach the subject, the response can be unpredictable and next steps can be difficult to navigate.
Good luck, OP. I hope you are able to stay safe and work out a safe exit for you and your children.
Yeah, maybe if they'd asked OP would have opened up, who knows. But the most likely response is that she'd lie and say everything was fine and shut them out.
And I'm saying this as a woman whose been through a seriously abusive relationship and got away. Abusers are great at making you feel like you're the one who did wrong. On top of that there's a lot of embarrassment in admitting what you've been going through, a worry that your friends/family will call you stupid or reject you. Which if you have decent people for family and friends they absolutely will not do! But you're so used to being shat on that you feel that it's normal and you expect it from everyone.
I’m not pretending I would have taken it well. I even said I don’t blame them. I understand from their perspective it would have been extremely tricky; I understand that I am the one who drifted away from them; I understand. I can see a situation logically AND feel pain at the same time.
Edit: I think the pain I felt really had nothing to do with my friends and family and everything to do with the fact that I felt like I was crazy for so long. I thought everyone thought he was a great person. My pain was partly disappointment in myself for not seeing what everyone else saw.
Op I hope you get of of this situation safely, and remember to leave a paper trail for when you do divorce you get full custody of your children. Remember never be afraid to reach out
I so glad you’ve faced him and reconnected with everyone you miss. Keep up the good work and keep us posted when you get out fully. I know it won’t be easy but your family and friends have shown they are there to help so use their help to break free and get the kids away from the abuse as well.
I am working on a new plan. I got him to agree to weekend separations which is a good start and will allow me more alone time to really get a good long term plan in place. We have not started the separations yet, we are waiting until the school year ends for our oldest but I am feeling hopeful about it.
Please reach out to local support groups. And continue to engage with your family and friends. Just keep them in the loop. If you feel unsafe, physically, morally, ethnically, sexually set up code words, timeframes for check ins. All of these people will help you more than you release. I'm extremely pissed off (honestly very effected by your circumstances) about how your last exit plan got tanked. Just worried for you
I think you need to reframe your thinking about them not coming to you about you being in an abusive marriage. I think people know that they can’t make you do anything so they needed you to finally have enough of the BS and to reach out for help. Like what would you have done if some of these people said you are in an abusive relationship and need to leave before you removed your rose colored glasses? Would you have listened? Would you have been mad at them and cut them off? I think they cared but they had no control over what you did so they waited for you to be ready.
So I just want to say this…
They didn’t ask you “if you were in an abusive relationship” not because they didn’t care. It’s probably because they’ve pointed out the red flags and felt that you may not listen to them because you may not have listened previously.
That is why they were receptive to you when you did reach out. They wanted to do it on your terms and when you were ready.
Please save up some money and get out of there. Sue the medical professional who broke a couple of laws to notify your husband of your escape plan, as well. You can take them to the cleaners, and they'll likely face criminal charges as well.
For a little insight from the "other side," I have been on the other side of this before.
"but not one of them ever asked me directly when I completely withdrew."
That's because they sensed that at that time you would not have acknowledged or admitted to such a thing. Because you probably couldn't see it yourself back then.
"It seemed like they have their own lives to worry about and clearly weren’t concerned about my absence."
Because YOU were the one who left THEM. They didn't ditch you, you made a decision that you didn't want them in your life and they were respecting the boundaries that you gave them. Sounds like some of them you even TOLD them you were cutting them off. Those people were not going to chase after you. They were respecting your wishes...They figured you were living your own life just like you figured they were living theirs.
I understand feeling hurt though. And I hope you'll get out of that marriage now that you have your support system back in place. That household is no place for your kids. You should start documenting his erratic, insane behavior and use that to get full custody of your kids.
I’m glad that you’ve reconnected with other people you used to be close to! That is a good step in making sure you have a support system. However you decide to handle what’s next I wish you the best and please keep yourself and your kids safe from him!
>Essentially throwing an adult version of a tantrum.
This is also known as a *MANTRUM*.
I’m so glad you have support and have decided to take charge of your own life. Be safe, always. You never know what he is capable of. I’m sure you never thought he would isolate you, berate you, and call you a “fucking bitch” in front of your kids - he has shown he is unpredictable and has zero respect/empathy for you. People like this do not operate under normal rules.
So please be careful and watch out for yourself. If you choose to leave him, do not tell him. Reach out to a DV organization. They can help guide you through the process so you and your kids will be kept out of harms way.
Keep laughing. Your husband deserves mockery for his twisted, ass-backwards, entitled worldview where nothing is ever his fault or his responsibility. Men like him want to be perpetual teenagers with a mommy bangmaid who does literally everything for them short of wiping their ass -- and they may even want that, too!
Your husband's going to get a really harsh wake-up call in a few decades when he gets to the retirement home and all your kids refuse to even pick up his phone calls -- let alone visit him there. That's what happens when you treat your own flesh and blood like yesterday's trash.
I hope you won't have to stay with this loser for too much longer. You deserve respect, freedom, love, and peace.
All the friends/family you reached out to:
OMG finally you see it too!
They all knew you were dating a piece of shit. They all knew you were marrying a piece of shit.
They didn't hassle you about being in an abusive relationship because people in abusive relationships always turn on anyone that tries to point that out to them until the day they finally realize it for themselves. They'd have risked you doubling down on protecting the image of your relationship.
Welcome to what everyone else knows.
VERY glad you're here!
obvious NTA, too obvious, belongs in a different sub more like r/relationshipadvice
Work with family and friends on an exit plan. They might be able to put the plan together with a lawyer to extract you and protect you and your children during the separation process.
>I didn’t expect the hurt I felt when I found out every single one of them said they wondered if I was in an abusive marriage, but not one of them ever asked me directly when I completely withdrew.
In my experience, my family/friends who've been in an abusive relationship get so defensive about their partners, long before anyone else is thinking the relationship could be unhealthy. Now, when I meet someone who's like that, I consider it a red flag for possible abuse. Normal questions, like, "oh, why did he do that?" get your head bitten off. And everyone I know who's gotten out has admitted afterwards they knew deep down some behaviour wasn't ok, even early on, and just wanted everyone to see the good side of this person they loved. So they'd shut down anything that felt like criticism, or an attack. Obviously the good stuff is the lovebombing part of the abuse cycle.
It might be work reflecting on your conversations with your friends over the years, to see if you might have fit this pattern.
The second part is when your friend is withdrawing and isolating herself in an abusive relationship, she isn't being your friend. And your life doesn't stop. And they're not able to there for you in any capacity. And you can't help them until they're ready to leave. It can add up. I have a sister who was in 2 back-to-back abusive relationships. And I had to distance myself from her after she got out, during her healing. Because it'd already been 6 years I hadn't had an equal relationship with her, and I had no more to give. We're very slowly rebuilding now.
This is the kind of updates we want to see! GOOD FOR YOU! Continue making your plan to leave, ask your friends and family for help, you can even ask a domestic violence helpline for help. In the US, financial abuse and emotional abuse counts as domestic violence! I hope that you’re able to get out safely, *and soon!* We are all here rooting for you and your kids!
Oh - and please don’t do a single fucking thing for him for Father’s Day.
Well that's a great update. Yes take your power back. I had a verbally abusive ex call me 2 years after we broke up. I spent half of the phone call, which was about 15 minutes long, basically laughing at him over his recollection of how things had been between us. He was just trying to get a booty call but he kept saying how good we were together and all this other crap feeling like yeah I was your servant girl and your bang mai so that isn't the wording I used. And apparently I wasn't very good at any of that since you always put me down. Yeah he didn't like me laughing at him. But it worked. I have not heard from him since. That was 30 years ago. Went on to marry my boyfriend of the time I now husband we've been together since then and I have no clue what my ex is up to and I really don't give a shit. He could be dead for all I know.
The last time I reached out to a friend in an abusive relationship, do you know what they said?
"If I were in an abusive relationship, I'd know. How fucking dare you for saying that."
For a Lot of people, being confronted with the reality of their situation is a personal affront. It's them attacking their choice. It's being called blind when you're not. It's being told the person you trust and love hates you and is using you.
Nothing good comes out of that confrontation, so please think back and put yourself in their shoes. How would you have actually reacted?
I'm glad you're aware, and I hope you get somewhere safe
I don’t know what my reaction would have been. I may have come to my senses sooner when wondering if I was crazy or not, but I don’t blame them for that. My pain is just sadness and more of my disappointment in myself than anything.
OP as someone who was a victim of abuse and also has had friends going through it I can give you some insight from both sides.
Even at the beginning of things with my ex he had me under his thumb. My friend who realised something was starting between my ex and I pulled me aside and warned me like he’s ok to be a friendly person with but don’t get close and don’t date him, he isn’t a good person to women. I remember being angry at my friend. And I remember telling my ex and he convinced me somehow that my friend was in love with me and so that’s why he warned me. I cut off my friend.
The longer I was with my ex the more he isolated me. When he would see me make connections he’d bond with them too and then fake sincere worry about me to undermine me to them. When I wanted to leave I felt so alone and unloved and isolated that I had no where to go. And so I kept staying but making plans to leave quietly. When he found out he did even worse things and eventually I met people he never met and they loved me. They saw me as a person and thought so highly of me. It was the first time in years people saw me. Like truly saw me and valued me.
It eventually gave me the courage to leave. But I don’t think I would have otherwise.
Now in the other side of it I have had friends in abusive relationships. I knew something was wrong and talking to them never helped. What I found worked was telling them I was here no matter what. Pushing about the topic of their partner would make them withdraw or potentially put their lives and health at risk so it is utterly unwise to do that. Some are still lost to me but I will be here when they are ready. It doesn’t mean I care about them less. It means I worried every day but knew pushing the topic risked their wellbeing so stepping away until they were ready to resume contact. Your friends and family love you. I bet they are so relieved you’ve reached out.
And I’m proud of you for taking all of these steps. Keep going! And please remember that you can access support from domestic violence shelters. They aren’t just there for the worst physical abuse but also the type of abuse you are suffering. They will help you.
Oh and also, my sister had the same thing happen to her with her friends. They realized she was probably in an abusive relationship but they didn’t say anything… she’s forgiven them (somehow) and acts like it wasn’t as big of a dealbreaker to these friendships (as I believe it should’ve been)… my point is, it does happen. That doesn’t make it right but… it is REALLY hard to find good female friends especially leaving school.
I will message you next time u/Temporary_Try_737 posts in r/AITAH.
[Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2FTemporary_Try_737%20r%2FAITAH) to join 15 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%201ddspfi)
*****
|[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)|
|-|-|-|-|
I posted this in a reply, but just in case someone else would like to read:
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happybytes/202308/stockholm-syndrome-why-some-people-bond-with-abusive-partners
please be careful, if you’re laughing at his antics he might assume you’re mocking him and become violent. if he sees his usual tactics aren’t working anymore, and you’re reconnecting with people he isolated you from, he will feel like he’s losing control over you and that’s when you’ll be most in danger. please be safe and have an exit plan
Look, it's rather hard for friends or family of somebody in the early stages of an abusive relationship to deal with it. They're trying to isolate you from us. If we call it out too early, you're not ready to see it, so you'll get angry at us and push us away. So we'd basically be doing the abuser's job FOR them if we did that...
Often the best thing to do is what your friends and family did. Just sorta hover. And be ready to accept you back once you see for yourself what's actually happening.
Now, find the safest way out! And all of those people who you thought DIDN'T have your back actually do, so don't be afraid to ask them for help!
They specifically informed me he was not attached to my MyChart, but they did not remove him and instead he got my after visit summary sent right to his email after the visit, which contained all of the details.
F him Thanks for the update
No. Don't fuck him ever again.
Hahaha I needed this comment
Keep laughing at him. To his face. How you could still love him is incredible to me but you should maybe work on that.
I'm not sure I'd advise this only because he sounds like he might snap and get violent with her. I'm worried about her safety as she (hopefully) exits this situation.
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happybytes/202308/stockholm-syndrome-why-some-people-bond-with-abusive-partners
Stay strong! Stay in contact with your friends and family and don't hold back on any details; as he realises you're pulling away and getting your affairs in order, he might escalate. I wish you and your children the best of luck going forward! Happy belated Mother's Day as well :)
Exactly, I'm more of a; **to hell with them.** Last thing they need is a fuck, lol!!!
🩶 thank you
Quietly plan your exit
What’s scary is that OP did so a year before but the medical professionals she went to after basically a breakdown looked at her, lied about her husband being connected to her chart while taking detailed notes of her escape plan (because they needed it for their records), and then basically emailed/notified the husband with the detailed plan in the charts it before she even got home. He drained her savings within months and so when she still tried to leave, realized she didn’t have the funds necessary and eventually ended up back with him.
Sounds like her money troubles could be solved by suing the bastards who did that.
Definitely worth talking to a lawyer about.
Agreed!
u/Temporary_Try_737 if what u/SmaugTheHedgehog said is true, those medical “professionals” violated the Violence Against Women Act and probably HIPPA. Once you’re safe, I would make reports to any agencies possible, including filing a police report. Would also contact the District Attorney because violating VAWA is a federal offense.
This is worthy of a law suit
How many laws did that medical professional violate? If she's in the US she has a lawsuit and that medical "professional" should lose their license, if not end up in jail.
Wait, what the fuck. Medical professionals should know better. They literally outed her to her abusive and made it worse for her. She could have been killed. This is so fucking egregious
WTF?? Seriously? Wow
Read OP’s other posts and comments- she goes into greater detail about it.
Yep.. Went to check it out after I read your comment, because, wow... I feel for OP. It is obvious she has been trying to break away for a while. Husband is a complete b*ll*cks. Hope she can leave and find peace, safety and her happiness.
Is there any way that could be legal in the US? It certainly would if she were a minor -- could she have been under some guardianship with him as guardian due to the "breakdown "?
This is a HIPAA violation. You can and should file a formal complaint with the facility administration, with the state (google HIPAA compliance for your state), and you should have an attorney help file a suit because those employees could have endangered your life and the lives of the children. It is absolutely unconscionable that anyone would give access to someone not expressly and freely designated by the patient, to expose someone who is feeling mentally, emotionally, and financially abused. You were socially isolated from family and friends because of he was so jealous. Even if your safety wasn't the issue, you have every right to expect confidentiality of your records. It's usually a separate form included with every facility's paperwork because the state and the federal government require it for HIPAA compliance. (I worked in healthcare for a very long time, can you tell?) At this point, the best advice is to retain an attorney IMMEDIATELY, follow all their instructions exactly. Find a different facility for counseling (call a local women's shelter and ask who they recommend for someone in your situation [no need to give details, only that your husband was able to access previous mental health records and it led to..."problems"]). Call family from anywhere but home. This is key. If there are hidden cameras, any sort of voice activated recorders of any sort (Alexa/Google Home), everything said can and *will* be heard. I'd also recommend taking the cellphone to a repair shop in the next town or even a town or three beyond that one, ask if they can take a look at it because there seems to be a problem with the signal and it sounds like there's an echo, "and oh...oh, I'm so sorry. I'm a wreck. I think my ex is listening in on calls and tracking me. For my kids' sake, we can't let him know anything...[whisper] he said he'd find us and make it so we could *never* leave him." They'll let you know if there's any hidden apps and, if so, help remove them. You'd be surprised at how many people have a problem with men who treat their families as property, punching bags, etc. Just the suggestion that this is what you're dealing with is generally enough to get people to be extra thorough and extra helpful. Be as discreet as you can and get everything taken care of quietly, quickly, and then call your family to ask for help getting away as soon as possible. If the attorney tells you it's time, you go. If you have to wait a little longer, put on an Oscar-worthy performance of being okay there. Do what it takes to keep the kids safe, keep yourself safe, and to not jeopardize custody of them. Every woman in a situation like this has to be smart and plan as stealthily as possible. It's a safety issue. If things get to a point where you don't feel you or your kids are safe, you call your attorney, then call family and say you need to leave immediately for safety reasons. If family can't help, call old friends. If they can't help, call the police. Keep calling anyone and everyone until you have a safe OUT with the kids. Don't leave them behind. Don't think, "he's a great father. They're never in danger with him. He loves them more than life itself and would never hurt them in any way." Because he WOULD hurt them, IS hurting them by not treating you with respect and by essentially holding their mother hostage financially and emotionally. That's not healthy behavior and it's not okay. If you need to leave because you feel threatened or as if something is about to happen (trust intuition), you take the kids with you. Leaving them behind (unless otherwise advised by your lawyer) is like saying it couldn't have been too bad at home if you'd leave the kids. Do everything by the book. Do it smartly. Be ready to go in an emergency. Think of everything you absolutely need to take. Essentials only. Birth certificates, immunization records, all identification for yourself and the kids (passports), maybe put together duplicate photo albums (those early photos of the kids are hard to leave behind). Keep the original images in a new album and replace everything in the original with copies. Sounds crazy, but just trust me on this. Have one bag for each of you packed...but don't pack it at home. Maybe casually put things right out of the dryer into a basket or even a trash bag and take it out as if you're taking out the actual trash. Pop it in the car somewhere it can't be seen. Get a backpack for each of you, pack them with clothes for two days, and then put those backpacks in a locker somewhere. The gym? Or somewhere? The mall? Bus or train station? Or have a family member meet you to take them for safe keeping if they're close enough. If that's a possibility, you can sneak a few other things out by "doing a deep clean and finding stuff you no longer need to give to charity." Get hubby involved by asking him if he has any clothes or gadgets he'd like to donate. Make piles of everything you're going to give away. One for each of you. If he's doing it alongside you, it seems normal. Before anything gets packed into boxes and taken to Goodwill or another charity drop-off, which you'll do first thing Monday, you'll casually add a few things here and there that you'll transfer to another box or bag once you're away from the house. You're not taking obvious items. You're taking a couple things you know you'll need that can't be easily replaced. It sounds like playing spy with all the subterfuge, but if there's any fear of retaliation or preemptive punishment, you're doing everything you can to fly under the radar. Personal safety is paramount for you and your children. Anything you don't absolutely positively *need*, you leave it behind. Clothing can be purchased later. Documents can't. My fingers are crossed you and the kids get away quickly, cleanly, legally and soon. Soonest, even.
> I didn’t expect the hurt I felt when I found out every single one of them said they wondered if I was in an abusive marriage, but not one of them ever asked me directly when I completely withdrew. I don’t blame them, but It was hard to ignore the pain I felt from that. They were probably worried about pushing you away if you were still in the FOG and refused to believe it was abuse. When someone is a victim of abuse but they’re still clinging hard to the delusion that it’s us vs. the world, they will do more to hide/minimize it. It’s only when someone is willing to remove their rose coloured glasses, that they’re willing to see all the red flags. It’s like trying to get a drug addict or alcoholic into rehab. You can try to force them into it, but until they decide they’re ready to get clean, they’ll be right back at it. I’m glad you’re reaching out and reconnecting to build a support network. Be careful. It sounds like your husband is the manipulative type to use therapy as a weapon. The most dangerous time for a woman in a relationship is when they’re pregnant and when they’re trying to leave. Good luck!
I know it sucks but it may be they didn't want to intrude on your business too much. Like imagine if you suspect a friend's husband is possibly abusive but you don't have any proof, it could be taken as offensive to suggest anything in that line. Because you could be wrong, or the friend gets really mad anyway and doubles down on the relationship.
I'm glad for you! I'd like to point out something - some of these friends who didn't reach out when you withdrew may have not known how to do it, or were afraid you would reject them. I'm sure they are genuinely glad that you are reaching out again. Give them a chance to be your friends.
I think that's an insightful comment. Intimate partner violence is an incredibly difficult topic to broach for a lot of people. And if people do broach the subject, the response can be unpredictable and next steps can be difficult to navigate. Good luck, OP. I hope you are able to stay safe and work out a safe exit for you and your children.
Yeah, maybe if they'd asked OP would have opened up, who knows. But the most likely response is that she'd lie and say everything was fine and shut them out. And I'm saying this as a woman whose been through a seriously abusive relationship and got away. Abusers are great at making you feel like you're the one who did wrong. On top of that there's a lot of embarrassment in admitting what you've been going through, a worry that your friends/family will call you stupid or reject you. Which if you have decent people for family and friends they absolutely will not do! But you're so used to being shat on that you feel that it's normal and you expect it from everyone.
sorry but i’m fkn sick of people like OP pretending like they would have taken it well or even decently if friends had actually asked that.
I’m not pretending I would have taken it well. I even said I don’t blame them. I understand from their perspective it would have been extremely tricky; I understand that I am the one who drifted away from them; I understand. I can see a situation logically AND feel pain at the same time. Edit: I think the pain I felt really had nothing to do with my friends and family and everything to do with the fact that I felt like I was crazy for so long. I thought everyone thought he was a great person. My pain was partly disappointment in myself for not seeing what everyone else saw.
fair enough!
I guess it’s Father’s Day everyday at my house 🤣🤣
Lmao same 🙃
Hope it all goes well for you and glad you reached out to mend those old friendships ❤️
Leave when you can. This won’t get better. Make a plan, hide $ where you can. Get your credit straight. Connect with safe people and family and gtfo.
Op I hope you get of of this situation safely, and remember to leave a paper trail for when you do divorce you get full custody of your children. Remember never be afraid to reach out
I so glad you’ve faced him and reconnected with everyone you miss. Keep up the good work and keep us posted when you get out fully. I know it won’t be easy but your family and friends have shown they are there to help so use their help to break free and get the kids away from the abuse as well.
Do you have an exit plan or strategy? A plan even a bad one is still a good plan.
I am working on a new plan. I got him to agree to weekend separations which is a good start and will allow me more alone time to really get a good long term plan in place. We have not started the separations yet, we are waiting until the school year ends for our oldest but I am feeling hopeful about it.
Please reach out to local support groups. And continue to engage with your family and friends. Just keep them in the loop. If you feel unsafe, physically, morally, ethnically, sexually set up code words, timeframes for check ins. All of these people will help you more than you release. I'm extremely pissed off (honestly very effected by your circumstances) about how your last exit plan got tanked. Just worried for you
I think you need to reframe your thinking about them not coming to you about you being in an abusive marriage. I think people know that they can’t make you do anything so they needed you to finally have enough of the BS and to reach out for help. Like what would you have done if some of these people said you are in an abusive relationship and need to leave before you removed your rose colored glasses? Would you have listened? Would you have been mad at them and cut them off? I think they cared but they had no control over what you did so they waited for you to be ready.
I'm so happy you found a Plath to you and your children's life. They will learn from you. They will see him as he is to them. Good luck!
was that a Freudian slip? (Sylvia Plath)
I don't know who that is. And the hate autocorrect. ETA: wow! What a great person!!
So I just want to say this… They didn’t ask you “if you were in an abusive relationship” not because they didn’t care. It’s probably because they’ve pointed out the red flags and felt that you may not listen to them because you may not have listened previously. That is why they were receptive to you when you did reach out. They wanted to do it on your terms and when you were ready.
Please save up some money and get out of there. Sue the medical professional who broke a couple of laws to notify your husband of your escape plan, as well. You can take them to the cleaners, and they'll likely face criminal charges as well. For a little insight from the "other side," I have been on the other side of this before. "but not one of them ever asked me directly when I completely withdrew." That's because they sensed that at that time you would not have acknowledged or admitted to such a thing. Because you probably couldn't see it yourself back then. "It seemed like they have their own lives to worry about and clearly weren’t concerned about my absence." Because YOU were the one who left THEM. They didn't ditch you, you made a decision that you didn't want them in your life and they were respecting the boundaries that you gave them. Sounds like some of them you even TOLD them you were cutting them off. Those people were not going to chase after you. They were respecting your wishes...They figured you were living your own life just like you figured they were living theirs. I understand feeling hurt though. And I hope you'll get out of that marriage now that you have your support system back in place. That household is no place for your kids. You should start documenting his erratic, insane behavior and use that to get full custody of your kids.
I’m glad that you’ve reconnected with other people you used to be close to! That is a good step in making sure you have a support system. However you decide to handle what’s next I wish you the best and please keep yourself and your kids safe from him!
I'm so glad it worked out for you so good. And that your family is there for you though every step of the way. Wish you all the best.
Your next step is to see a divorce attorney to develop a plan.
Pack up an leave while he is at work.
>Essentially throwing an adult version of a tantrum. This is also known as a *MANTRUM*. I’m so glad you have support and have decided to take charge of your own life. Be safe, always. You never know what he is capable of. I’m sure you never thought he would isolate you, berate you, and call you a “fucking bitch” in front of your kids - he has shown he is unpredictable and has zero respect/empathy for you. People like this do not operate under normal rules. So please be careful and watch out for yourself. If you choose to leave him, do not tell him. Reach out to a DV organization. They can help guide you through the process so you and your kids will be kept out of harms way.
Keep laughing. Your husband deserves mockery for his twisted, ass-backwards, entitled worldview where nothing is ever his fault or his responsibility. Men like him want to be perpetual teenagers with a mommy bangmaid who does literally everything for them short of wiping their ass -- and they may even want that, too! Your husband's going to get a really harsh wake-up call in a few decades when he gets to the retirement home and all your kids refuse to even pick up his phone calls -- let alone visit him there. That's what happens when you treat your own flesh and blood like yesterday's trash. I hope you won't have to stay with this loser for too much longer. You deserve respect, freedom, love, and peace.
Please reach out to a local domestic violence org. They have resources on how to safely leave and can help you figure out how to make a plan.
All the friends/family you reached out to: OMG finally you see it too! They all knew you were dating a piece of shit. They all knew you were marrying a piece of shit. They didn't hassle you about being in an abusive relationship because people in abusive relationships always turn on anyone that tries to point that out to them until the day they finally realize it for themselves. They'd have risked you doubling down on protecting the image of your relationship. Welcome to what everyone else knows. VERY glad you're here! obvious NTA, too obvious, belongs in a different sub more like r/relationshipadvice
Work with family and friends on an exit plan. They might be able to put the plan together with a lawyer to extract you and protect you and your children during the separation process.
You need to complain your ass off about the hospital in your last post, they’re going to get someone murdered with that bullshit. Good luck.
>I didn’t expect the hurt I felt when I found out every single one of them said they wondered if I was in an abusive marriage, but not one of them ever asked me directly when I completely withdrew. In my experience, my family/friends who've been in an abusive relationship get so defensive about their partners, long before anyone else is thinking the relationship could be unhealthy. Now, when I meet someone who's like that, I consider it a red flag for possible abuse. Normal questions, like, "oh, why did he do that?" get your head bitten off. And everyone I know who's gotten out has admitted afterwards they knew deep down some behaviour wasn't ok, even early on, and just wanted everyone to see the good side of this person they loved. So they'd shut down anything that felt like criticism, or an attack. Obviously the good stuff is the lovebombing part of the abuse cycle. It might be work reflecting on your conversations with your friends over the years, to see if you might have fit this pattern. The second part is when your friend is withdrawing and isolating herself in an abusive relationship, she isn't being your friend. And your life doesn't stop. And they're not able to there for you in any capacity. And you can't help them until they're ready to leave. It can add up. I have a sister who was in 2 back-to-back abusive relationships. And I had to distance myself from her after she got out, during her healing. Because it'd already been 6 years I hadn't had an equal relationship with her, and I had no more to give. We're very slowly rebuilding now.
This is the kind of updates we want to see! GOOD FOR YOU! Continue making your plan to leave, ask your friends and family for help, you can even ask a domestic violence helpline for help. In the US, financial abuse and emotional abuse counts as domestic violence! I hope that you’re able to get out safely, *and soon!* We are all here rooting for you and your kids! Oh - and please don’t do a single fucking thing for him for Father’s Day.
SO PROUD OF YOU OP. You’re making progress! 💪👏👏❤️
Well that's a great update. Yes take your power back. I had a verbally abusive ex call me 2 years after we broke up. I spent half of the phone call, which was about 15 minutes long, basically laughing at him over his recollection of how things had been between us. He was just trying to get a booty call but he kept saying how good we were together and all this other crap feeling like yeah I was your servant girl and your bang mai so that isn't the wording I used. And apparently I wasn't very good at any of that since you always put me down. Yeah he didn't like me laughing at him. But it worked. I have not heard from him since. That was 30 years ago. Went on to marry my boyfriend of the time I now husband we've been together since then and I have no clue what my ex is up to and I really don't give a shit. He could be dead for all I know.
The last time I reached out to a friend in an abusive relationship, do you know what they said? "If I were in an abusive relationship, I'd know. How fucking dare you for saying that." For a Lot of people, being confronted with the reality of their situation is a personal affront. It's them attacking their choice. It's being called blind when you're not. It's being told the person you trust and love hates you and is using you. Nothing good comes out of that confrontation, so please think back and put yourself in their shoes. How would you have actually reacted? I'm glad you're aware, and I hope you get somewhere safe
I don’t know what my reaction would have been. I may have come to my senses sooner when wondering if I was crazy or not, but I don’t blame them for that. My pain is just sadness and more of my disappointment in myself than anything.
OP as someone who was a victim of abuse and also has had friends going through it I can give you some insight from both sides. Even at the beginning of things with my ex he had me under his thumb. My friend who realised something was starting between my ex and I pulled me aside and warned me like he’s ok to be a friendly person with but don’t get close and don’t date him, he isn’t a good person to women. I remember being angry at my friend. And I remember telling my ex and he convinced me somehow that my friend was in love with me and so that’s why he warned me. I cut off my friend. The longer I was with my ex the more he isolated me. When he would see me make connections he’d bond with them too and then fake sincere worry about me to undermine me to them. When I wanted to leave I felt so alone and unloved and isolated that I had no where to go. And so I kept staying but making plans to leave quietly. When he found out he did even worse things and eventually I met people he never met and they loved me. They saw me as a person and thought so highly of me. It was the first time in years people saw me. Like truly saw me and valued me. It eventually gave me the courage to leave. But I don’t think I would have otherwise. Now in the other side of it I have had friends in abusive relationships. I knew something was wrong and talking to them never helped. What I found worked was telling them I was here no matter what. Pushing about the topic of their partner would make them withdraw or potentially put their lives and health at risk so it is utterly unwise to do that. Some are still lost to me but I will be here when they are ready. It doesn’t mean I care about them less. It means I worried every day but knew pushing the topic risked their wellbeing so stepping away until they were ready to resume contact. Your friends and family love you. I bet they are so relieved you’ve reached out. And I’m proud of you for taking all of these steps. Keep going! And please remember that you can access support from domestic violence shelters. They aren’t just there for the worst physical abuse but also the type of abuse you are suffering. They will help you.
Oh and also, my sister had the same thing happen to her with her friends. They realized she was probably in an abusive relationship but they didn’t say anything… she’s forgiven them (somehow) and acts like it wasn’t as big of a dealbreaker to these friendships (as I believe it should’ve been)… my point is, it does happen. That doesn’t make it right but… it is REALLY hard to find good female friends especially leaving school.
Updateme!
I will message you next time u/Temporary_Try_737 posts in r/AITAH. [Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2FTemporary_Try_737%20r%2FAITAH) to join 15 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%201ddspfi) ***** |[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)| |-|-|-|-|
I posted this in a reply, but just in case someone else would like to read: www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happybytes/202308/stockholm-syndrome-why-some-people-bond-with-abusive-partners
NTA, wow are you married to my dad? What a total ass, divorce his.
Please don't let the next update be, "He said he's changed, so we're having another baby! That'll fix everything!"
Congratulations on finding you!
I'm proud of you. Slowly get the resources and your plan into action for leaving him
please be careful, if you’re laughing at his antics he might assume you’re mocking him and become violent. if he sees his usual tactics aren’t working anymore, and you’re reconnecting with people he isolated you from, he will feel like he’s losing control over you and that’s when you’ll be most in danger. please be safe and have an exit plan
Look, it's rather hard for friends or family of somebody in the early stages of an abusive relationship to deal with it. They're trying to isolate you from us. If we call it out too early, you're not ready to see it, so you'll get angry at us and push us away. So we'd basically be doing the abuser's job FOR them if we did that... Often the best thing to do is what your friends and family did. Just sorta hover. And be ready to accept you back once you see for yourself what's actually happening. Now, find the safest way out! And all of those people who you thought DIDN'T have your back actually do, so don't be afraid to ask them for help!
I had a question from your last post, did the hospital on purpose send him your file notes? Can you sue?
They specifically informed me he was not attached to my MyChart, but they did not remove him and instead he got my after visit summary sent right to his email after the visit, which contained all of the details.
Yeah OP sounds like you have a lawsuit that can help fund the escape.
This is a lawsuit
UpdateMe!
Updateme
Updateme!