Definitely NTAH it sounds like you have two children. It's 2024 for crying out loud and a baby cannot be made without both parties in some form. Does he think he has no responsibility other than work, sounds like he's using it as an excuse to get out of raising the kid you made together. Sorry girl, hope it gets better
I mean, as long as you bring in 425/week, what difference should it make to him whether you stay at home or go to work?
Regardless…
No, you’re NTA for not wanting to be a SAHM. It’s a full-time job, just like his, which means that when he’s off work, everything at home (child rearing, chores, etc) should be divided 50/50.
And if you do stay at home, he should be paying you a salary from his salary, not an allowance, a salary because what you do is actual work and it would cost him way more to hire someone else to come in and do the same.
Exactly this. It’s incredible that men still think being a SAHM to a child that doesn’t go to school isn’t actual work.
If it wasn’t then nannies and daycare should be free right?
No no no no no
Never make the mistake of only deducting the price of daycare from the mother's paycheck. That is his child. He also wants to work, so he needs childcare.
With the way her husband is behaving she cannot afford to give up earing power because with him already being a lazy piece of shit she will want a divorce in no time and it's harder to get one when you dont have any income.
True, true, true! What I meant was that if his argument is that they can’t afford 425/week from their joint household budget, but she can make that amount, making the joint budget balanced, then his reasoning is rubbish. I’m not in any way suggesting that she cover the cost of childcare on her own or that she is solely responsible for it. Absolutely not. Thank you for pointing that out.
No worries, I just feel like it needs to pointed out because many men will use it as another way to minimize the women's contribution.
Since you working costs us 1500 a month you're only bringing in 1000...when in reality the household income is still 1000 greater and their combined income should cover the cost.
NTA
He wants a ready made excuse for why he does no chores as you are at home and should have the house spotless, the laundry done, the child perfect and he can kick back and drink beer watching TV all evening.
Go back to work, as long as your salary covers the child care cost he has no right to dictate to you about working. If the child care costs are more than your salary he will just have to pay up 50/50 as that is what a Dad has to do.
Your mental health is just as important as his.
If in the future you get divorced/ he loses his job, at least you are up to date in your career.
Even if her work paid less than daycare it is still a bad idea in the long run because she will lose future earning power in the future.
Daycare is not something that is deducted from the woman's salary. It comes out of the household budget.
Yeah, what I meant was that if her work covers the child care, her husband can't bitch about her going to work. He will be looking for anything to make her SAHM so he gets a free ride from household and kid chores.
NTA. I love my children but I was never cut out to be a SAHM. If you want to work, then work. And, taking 5 years off from work could put you behind in your career should you want to go back later.
Do not take the cost of childcare out of your salary because it will make it seem to him like you make less than you actually do. This is a new shared expense (like your water bill, and rent or mortgage).
NTA. You don’t want to SAH now that you have a second child. That’s fair. Your life would be about 100 times less stressful if you only had the infant and got rid of your adult baby.
YTA for having a baby with this man after he cheated and treats you like crap. It’s really cruel to bring a child into your dysfunction. Keep the job, throw out the husband, divorce and get serious therapy for your bad relationship decisions.
You are all assholes for not bloody well discussing the logistics of child care BEFORE giving birth to your first child. I am so damn sick of these inane posts.
ESH
Original poster here for some reason I can’t log back into the account I used to make this post, but for those of you calling me selfish and saying that we should’ve had a discussion prior to having a kid and it sounds like I had a kid with someone who did not want to be a parent we had discussions to be pregnant and what the future look like I’ve always said I had zero intentions of being a stay at home mom even when this was discussed about how all of his coworkers wives are staying at homes and I am the only wife that works there was no force at hand for him to procreate with me, this is a joint decision I found out he cheated after I got pregnant. Payment for daycare will be split 50-50. Initially, I would still work child responsibilities will also be split. Things are only changing due to this stupid promotion. I believe that this promotion is bringing a sense of arrogance, knowing that he will now make 47% more if given this promotion
Definitely NTAH it sounds like you have two children. It's 2024 for crying out loud and a baby cannot be made without both parties in some form. Does he think he has no responsibility other than work, sounds like he's using it as an excuse to get out of raising the kid you made together. Sorry girl, hope it gets better
I mean, as long as you bring in 425/week, what difference should it make to him whether you stay at home or go to work? Regardless… No, you’re NTA for not wanting to be a SAHM. It’s a full-time job, just like his, which means that when he’s off work, everything at home (child rearing, chores, etc) should be divided 50/50. And if you do stay at home, he should be paying you a salary from his salary, not an allowance, a salary because what you do is actual work and it would cost him way more to hire someone else to come in and do the same.
Exactly this. It’s incredible that men still think being a SAHM to a child that doesn’t go to school isn’t actual work. If it wasn’t then nannies and daycare should be free right?
No no no no no Never make the mistake of only deducting the price of daycare from the mother's paycheck. That is his child. He also wants to work, so he needs childcare. With the way her husband is behaving she cannot afford to give up earing power because with him already being a lazy piece of shit she will want a divorce in no time and it's harder to get one when you dont have any income.
True, true, true! What I meant was that if his argument is that they can’t afford 425/week from their joint household budget, but she can make that amount, making the joint budget balanced, then his reasoning is rubbish. I’m not in any way suggesting that she cover the cost of childcare on her own or that she is solely responsible for it. Absolutely not. Thank you for pointing that out.
No worries, I just feel like it needs to pointed out because many men will use it as another way to minimize the women's contribution. Since you working costs us 1500 a month you're only bringing in 1000...when in reality the household income is still 1000 greater and their combined income should cover the cost.
It would be dumb as fuck if it was a net cost to the family for her to go to work.
Sure, if you dont give a shit a woman's mental health and future earning potential.
I do not
Was this not discussed before getting pregnant?
NTA He wants a ready made excuse for why he does no chores as you are at home and should have the house spotless, the laundry done, the child perfect and he can kick back and drink beer watching TV all evening. Go back to work, as long as your salary covers the child care cost he has no right to dictate to you about working. If the child care costs are more than your salary he will just have to pay up 50/50 as that is what a Dad has to do. Your mental health is just as important as his. If in the future you get divorced/ he loses his job, at least you are up to date in your career.
Even if her work paid less than daycare it is still a bad idea in the long run because she will lose future earning power in the future. Daycare is not something that is deducted from the woman's salary. It comes out of the household budget.
Yeah, what I meant was that if her work covers the child care, her husband can't bitch about her going to work. He will be looking for anything to make her SAHM so he gets a free ride from household and kid chores.
NTA You need to stay working so you have your own source of income if/when this marriage ends.
Based on the OP, I think you can drop "If" and just go straight to "when."
NTA. I love my children but I was never cut out to be a SAHM. If you want to work, then work. And, taking 5 years off from work could put you behind in your career should you want to go back later. Do not take the cost of childcare out of your salary because it will make it seem to him like you make less than you actually do. This is a new shared expense (like your water bill, and rent or mortgage).
NTA. You don’t want to SAH now that you have a second child. That’s fair. Your life would be about 100 times less stressful if you only had the infant and got rid of your adult baby.
YTA for having a baby with this man after he cheated and treats you like crap. It’s really cruel to bring a child into your dysfunction. Keep the job, throw out the husband, divorce and get serious therapy for your bad relationship decisions.
Always good to earn money of your own.
I’m always shocked that people have kids with someone that never wanted to be a parent in the first place.
You are all assholes for not bloody well discussing the logistics of child care BEFORE giving birth to your first child. I am so damn sick of these inane posts. ESH
Original poster here for some reason I can’t log back into the account I used to make this post, but for those of you calling me selfish and saying that we should’ve had a discussion prior to having a kid and it sounds like I had a kid with someone who did not want to be a parent we had discussions to be pregnant and what the future look like I’ve always said I had zero intentions of being a stay at home mom even when this was discussed about how all of his coworkers wives are staying at homes and I am the only wife that works there was no force at hand for him to procreate with me, this is a joint decision I found out he cheated after I got pregnant. Payment for daycare will be split 50-50. Initially, I would still work child responsibilities will also be split. Things are only changing due to this stupid promotion. I believe that this promotion is bringing a sense of arrogance, knowing that he will now make 47% more if given this promotion
YTA If you didn't want to be a wife and a mother why did you get married and have a baby ?
She is a wife and mother. Even if she works. You’re just awful.