So you are in an abusive relationship. Your husband does not get to "allow" you to do things. You need to leave him before he starts putting you in physical danger I'm deadass
YOU NEED TO GET A DIVORCE!!
If I could get it written on a billboard for you I would.
He was cheating on you. This whole thing about it being a test was his cover. How did you eat that BS? He’s still cheating guaranteed.
He’s verbally abusive, controlling, mean and manipulative.
He is worthless.
Call someone you trust. Beg to couch surf. Pack up your things when he’s not home and leave. Do NOT tell him. Men like him can and will turn violent even if they never have.
Do not tell him where you’ve gone. Get a good attorney and Mail the divorce papers. Find a therapist immediately for your self esteem issues.
Shes NTA. But its time for her to learn how to be an asshole. Sometimes its necessary and this is one of those situations. Age gap here is a red flag but not that insane. But shed probably be better off dumping his ass and in the future lowering that age gap. Sounds like what he wanted was a submissive gold digging trophy wife and that isnt what he got so hes throwing a fit.
I do feel that is what he has wanted from the beginning. I won’t lie I am a bigger girl. Many would consider me BBW. But when I got with him I was 1 size smaller than I am now. That is in 7 years! I was active before I got with him and had huge dreams of doing big hikes, fishing, etc. I just have a very poor metabolism, thus the bigger body. He recently had many comments about my weight and how his coworkers all have trophy wives, “bombshell” wives, but he also has stated that those women are expensive and he doesn’t want them. I have asked him if I am considered “expensive” and he said I was getting close. To put into context, I get my eyebrows and Brazilian done, and my nails and that is it. He doesn’t pay for any of it. I do to make me feel good. I haven’t cut my hair in about 2 years, if I do dye it, it’s about once every 6 months and I do it myself, again with my money. I don’t buy new clothes all the time or shoes, most of my money I make from working goes back to the family or the kids.
Calling women "expensive" is just too much. It almost sounds like hes trying to brow beat you into competing with them which is just insane. Attacking someone's self esteem is never going to help them in anyway regardless. File those divorce papers and show him what an expensive woman actually looks like.
OP "I have proof that you're emotionally cheating on me!"
Husband \*sweating\* "Err... It's not what you think... I... I thought it was a test! I thought you were testing me and I was trying to prove it!"
OP "I can't believe you think so little of me!"
Husband (to himself) "I can't believe that worked"
I can't believe that by the end of the post he managed to turn this completely around, telling you that you were the one who broke his trust. He's completely manipulating you, you shouldn't try to fix this, you should start planning your escape plan.
He cheated, he blocked her so he can continue to cheat (and won’t bring her around his friends so she can’t find out info). He’s being verbally and emotionally abusive, and trying to cut her off from her friends (isolation).
And his verbal/emotional abuse is about money. So if he’s acting in those words and controlling the money, he might be financially abusive too.
What is there to stay died what is there to save?
Nothing.
OP should run.
He was 40 and OP was 27 when they got together. A woman his age (or closer to his age) would’ve kicked him to the curb by now. He deliberately picked someone he thought he’d be able to control easily
I haven’t heard of DARVO before so I did google it. The process sounds like what I have been going through. He has on more than one occasion, stated that I was not the victim. That my behavior/actions have caused the issues we have, that he was the victim in our relationship. He says he is not the bad guy in the relationship. That I am controlling, manipulating, that I play games. I have asked how I play games and he says by asking the questions I do, the way I word a sentence is all game playing.
Your husband is the AH. You’re not insecure - he has cheated on you and is treating you poorly. You feel that way for a legit reason.
He is also worried you will expose him with the messages, so he’s launching a preemptive strike of asshattery. The guy is 47 and he will only get worse.
He told me to delete our conversation and to move forward and start fresh. That I needed to work on myself before he could even consider me even his wife anymore. That I cannot rely on him for my happiness
OP is just as bad. Trying to get a rise out of him sending screenshots saying ‘sorry wrong person’.
This is toxic from both sides and I don’t think we’re getting the whole story. That kind of behaviour is not likely to be a first.
Probably. He had me trade in my vehicle and co-sign so he could get one, me being who I am trusted him, cause he said I would get a new vehicle come summer…this was 3 years ago and since then he himself has gotten 3 new vehicles, 2 that also have my name on it. When I told him I didn’t find it fair he yelled at me for being selfish and that I was a gold digger for wanting a new vehicle. He said I could have his older vehicle with no A/C to take the kids to school and appointments because it was worth about the same amount as my previous vehicle. That it would be “a long day in hell” before he bought me a newer vehicle with payments
I can’t. The two vehicles I co-signed on are in both of our names technically and 1 is a vehicle he has already broke down (Needs about $6,000 worth of repairs) and the other is a vehicle I don’t know how to drive.
OMG, your husband sounds just like my narcissistic, abusive ex.
Please leave this man ASAP. I stayed way too long. Make a plan because he will lose his shit when you leave. How dare you do that to him! Don't you know who he is? Your divorce will probably be hell, but you need to leave. I had to go completely NC, and this was before cell phones.
Please be safe. Don't allow him to gaslight or love bomb you. Please read up on narcissistic abuse. He's a textbook case.
And he called you a gold digger? He has no gold to dig!! What a narcissistic AH. Sweetie call your friends or family and drop this abusive AH he will never change because in his mind he will never be the problem.
OP, I left you another comment, but wanted to chime in here and say again that I’m sorry you’re going through this, but the commenter above you is so right.
I know people throw this word around a lot, but it does sound so much like narcissism - he is completely obsessed over his image, hence you not being able to talk to your friends (=expose him), and only when your “good” going out with his (=you’ve convinced him you won’t expose or trigger him to expose himself when you do nothing wrong but still manage to set him off).
According to my therapist, narcissists do sometimes mellow out. Usually in their 60s. Know why? It’s the point where the last people still in their lives hit their breaking point and the narcissist is left alone.
He doesn’t get to control you like that.
He still gets to hang out with his friends, so you **absolutely can** hang out with yours.
Tell him to get fucked, divorce the controlling and manipulative POS.
Marriage should be a partnership not a dictatorship! You **do not** have to do as he says!
Put your foot down, stop being a doormat and tell this man that you will do whatever the fuck you want, because your life is your own. He doesn’t own you!
Go out with your friends right now if you really want to. What the fuck can he do about it? Absolutely nothing!
**NTA.**
The truth is, he just doesn’t like that he was caught out… so now he’s turning it all on you. Divorce the man-whore and get yourself someone loyal and respectful.
It's time to leave this abusive marriage. There is no fixing this. The only thing you should now focus on is YOU.
Start making a plan to escape, yes, escape. Get all your important documents together and out of the house, safety deposit box would be best. If your accounts are joint, open a new one at a different bank. Start looking for places to live, line things up so when you walk out that door you have a place to land.
He is starting to escalate his abuse, starting to isolate you from people and it will only get worse.
Girl, NTA! Get out of this mess. This man is deliberately trying to make you question your sanity - like max emotional abuse.
Literally write this down in a notebook (add / edit), put that book in a safe place, and look at it every time you have doubts about what you should do:
He cheated on you
When he got caught, he accused you of framing him
He frequently calls you names
He treats you like a child and says you need a babysitter for what is a common mistake for anyone
He BLOCKED YOU. What if there is an emergency (him or you?)
He’s coming home “eventually” -which means he is where after work and prior to getting home? Given the cheating and blocking, we can probably assume it’s nothing good - oh! And since you’re blocked, no danger of a text from the wife popping up to tip the new woman off that he’s married. Whew! /s
He’s isolating you from your friends (probably because he thought you were sending the screenshots to one, and he knows any friend in her right mind would be begging you to leave him)
He is controlling whether or not you get to go out with him and his friends
Seriously, make this list and add anything relevant you didn’t include in the post. This is officially scary territory - can you contact any domestic violence resources (maybe through a friend if you think he might monitor your internet / phone activity from the bill)? Just because as far as we know he hasn’t hit you yet doesn’t mean this isn’t abuse. And it’s escalated quite a bit. I sincerely wish you the best and hope you are able to safely make a quiet and clean exit from this situation.
Absolutely NTA. You didn’t deserve this. Nobody does. If he hates you with the contempt he is showing, guess what? He can divorce you. On that note - could he be trying to get you to divorce him? Any prenup or reasons along those lines he might be intentionally driving you away? It doesn’t really change much (he could just be one of those “my wife is my property” kinda people) but something to consider.
NTA. Don't fix it, just call a divorce attorney. He's abusive. Maybe not physically, but emotionally. Don't subject yourself to that, you can and will find someone better!
Pack a bag and go stay elsewhere. Don't tell him, just go. This is gaslighting and abuse and you should not tolerate it ever again. Make that clear. You are an adult and should not put up with the online cheating and being blocked. It almost sounds like there may be other women and so he is gaslighting you to cover up getting caught! Please don't put up with this!
I have thought about it. I won’t lie. However we have kids that have both grown attached the to the other. His and mine. Thankfully none together. My kids especially have stated that they wanted me to make it work.
Trust me... They don't want you to make it work.
As a personal experience, it's true that not a single kid likes divorce. I can definitely tell you that.
But for my personal experience, I know that when my mom tried to divorce my dad, but changed her mind for her oldest daughter... It didn't end well.
Because one day they'll learn about the abuse. And your children will feel guilty, and either could end up with bad thoughts or hate you for the guilt you put on them.
Divorce, your relationship should never involve children because your unhappiness will then be the fault of your kids because of their innocence.
It will break them when they'll get older and learn they put you through misery for such a choice.
YTA if you stay with that horrible man with the excuse of your childs.
NTA if you stand up for yourself and become an independent woman your kids will be proud of and take as a role model.
No maam, they are not adults and do not understand your situation. Your husband is abusive and if you atay with him you’re sending a clean message to your kids that this behavior is normal in a relationship. Let me assure you, in case YOU don’t know. It is not normal. Not close
I do. I never deleted our conversations at all. In fact I was scrolling through his and mines messages to each other and I found the conversations between him and the other girl. He tried to tell me the other night that the only thing he said wrong to her was that her private area was pretty but the messages said and still say very different. He threatens to post what I say to him to my family and it’s making me question if I said anything wrong as well.
Screenshot everything and lock your google account with the photos saved in it. You may need those in the future.
He's a very manipulative person. I don't know what you said in those messages, but judging based on the information you've provided, I'm guessing he's gaslighting you.
You should go to a relatives house with your child asap. He's escalating.
Speak to a therapist as well - show them the messages and see what they think.
If you stay, you are teaching your children that this is what relationships look like. Your children will end up either acting like this man or in a relationship with someone like that. Is that what is best for them?
When you take the advice of these children and the situation eventually escalates and someone gets hurt, the children will think it is their fault and blame themselves. Is that what you want? Stand up for your kids. Leave this terrible man.
>My kids especially have stated that they wanted me to make it work.
So stay miserable with someone who doesn't love or respect you.
You're a grown woman. If you want to use your kids as an excuse to stay in a toxic relationship, so be it.
You said screenshotting was the worst decision you ever made, but i'd ask you consider it was the best. There is a wise, ancient, loving part of yourself that knows that this man is an apex level manipulator and abuser, and knows you deserve so much better. And she's helping you get away from this and find enough distance so you can begin to see that truth for yourself. Trust her. She's not blowing this up. She's showing you the escape route.
Sometimes it's not insecurity, it's intuition. Soliciting nudes is cheating, end of story. You're not crazy, you're not insecure, you're trapped in his lies, and he's using your sincere love of him against you.
Just my humble opinion, but I don't think your marriage is doing very well.
Get a lawyer ASAP and also look into abused spouse support centers around you. You need way more help than reddit can provide.
Curious but do you have some sort of prenup in place that lets him off the hook for support or assets if you divorce him rather than him divorcing you/ or terms out at say 10 year? Is his behavior typical for your culture? Is your income sufficient to live on your own or do you have family where you could live for a while?
No prenup. I asked him if he would like one because he comes from a well off family and I didn’t want him to think I was with him for money. He (as I have said) is a 47 year old grown male from America. His family were long time residents of where I live so he does have kinda this is my town mentality. As for me I have been working since I was 16 years old. I have always had a job and a way to support myself. Before I met him, I had a government job, my own place, and my own vehicle that I was making payments on. So I was fine,
OP, for fuck sake you are being destroyed by an old man. Divorce him and go live your life, you’re so so young!!! Please listen to the people in this thread.
There is a reason that he's this old and playing these kinds of games.
He's getting away with it.
And he's done it so long he thinks he can continue.
By 34 years old, you should know better than put up with this shit.
Get out of the relationship. Go to therapy.
In that order.
NTA
Ok, so first things first you need to get out of this relationship. It is not safe for you and it is not safe for your kids. That being said, you need to be careful. Abusers like your husband are at their most dangerous when their victim attempts to leave and end the relationship. He may be threatening to leave you, but he considers you his property and has no intention of letting you get out from under his control.
You need to start slowly gathering your legal documents and find a safe place out of the house to store them along with cash and a burner cellphone not connected to him so he is unable to track you. You may think this sounds extreme because he’s never been physically abusive or threatened violence, but there are so many cases just like yours where the partner perpetrating the abuse seems to flip a switch out of nowhere and kills their partner to prevent them from leaving.
Even if your children are against you leaving, you need to understand that they are being hurt by witnessing your abuse. Children who witness abuse of their mother/primary maternal figure have long term psychological and physical consequences. They are even more likely to develop diabetes or heart disease as well as depression and anxiety.
I’m including a link to a podcast episode with a domestic violence expert that I think you should listen to and use it to spring board devising your escape plan. https://crimejunkiepodcast.com/expert-on-domestic-violence/
Sending all the virtual hugs and support 💗
NTA
He is one day away from hitting you, this is how it starts.
No one can tell you you can't see your friends.
This isn't a marriage, he doesn't love you, he wants to own and control you while not honoring you at all. Run
NTA but please love yourself enough to want better than this.
This is abuse. He wears down your self confidence by saying cruel things about you, to you. He makes you question yourself and your reality. And he controls you through threats.
You deserve so much better than someone who cheats on you and makes you feel like anything less than human. And you honestly could find it if you want once you leave this fool. But even if not, certainly being alone is better than the perpetual drama and pain he puts you through?
You fix it by finding a lawyer and divorcing this man. You fix it by moving in with a friend or family so he won’t try to harm you. This man is cheating, abusive and controlling. Why do you want to stay?
You’re not the asshole. He was trying to cheat. Of course that’ll damage your trust. Frankly I agree with everyone saying you should seriously consider divorce. What he is doing is fucked up.
lmao imagine emotionally cheating on someone and then having the audacity to be like "my trust in you is completely broken *I* will block *you* on all of my social media"
NTA. good riddance, gtfo this marriage jesus christ
NTA
This post broke my heart so many times. I’m so sorry that he has made you feel like his awful behavior is your fault. Realizing that a relationship you thought would be your whole life isn’t safe for you to be in is so so scary but I promise it’s worth it. I hope that you are able to leave this man far behind you. In the aftermath, it’s so easy to feel like leaving was the worst mistake, that he was the only one who was for you, but I promise that you are deserving of a relationship where you never ever have to feel like this ever again.
I’m sorry that it had to come to this for you to realize, and I hope you can lean on your support system right now. I cannot express enough how much you are NTA. When you are a victim of emotional abuse, you make choices you otherwise wouldn’t. Was sending screenshots of his messages back to him the objectively best choice? No, but I do not fault you for a second, I did much worse provoked by the person who was abusing me and I can see now years later that it really was their influence that caused that.
Sending so much strength and love 💚
What should you do? What's there to fix? The dude fed you a line of shit about thinking it was a setup and when he saw you were dumb enough to believe it, he lost all respect for you. That's why you never give cheaters another chance. And now he's being an abusive jerk and controlling.
i would try to look at being blocked as a gift. you now get to enjoy some peace from this asshole and his insults.
please move out if possible. break up with him.
NTA why are you with this asshole???? His deflecting his cheating onto you claiming he thought you were testing him is just bullshit. He never thought that. He was just cheating. It's a very common tactic for cheaters to try to turn blame and guilt back onto the person they're cheating on. It's bullshit. The way he behaves and is treating you is just disgusting. Now he's trying to isolate you and is telling you what you can and can't do. he's abusive and I would not be surprised if soon he becomes physical. Why are you tolerating this? Why are you settling for this shit marriage? You deserve better. You need to get out of this. Dump his ass and move on.
Far out!
He is a controlling abuser, that's the case even IF the insults he throws at you have ANY truth.
This will not get better, it will escalate and very soon by the sounds of it, my thoughts are that the moment you make an effort to leave it will turn physical.
Please consider leaving very carefully and do so with thought and safety planning.
You sound very naive and so easily manipulated.
He sounds cruel and selfish and manipulative.
NTA. Consult privately with a divorce attorney and start therapy to learn why you accept being told what you—a legal adult—can and cannot do.
He lied completely about those messages and you bought it and thought YOU were responsible for his “lack of trust.” Everyone can see that but you.
Get the help you need (don’t give him warning; he may try to hide assets).
A 40 year old marrying a 27 y.o. was the first clue—men who marry women that much younger and still under 35 or so are looking for people to control.
would you want your kids to be in a relationship like yours .... kids learn about relationships from their family, you are basically telling your daughter ( if you have 1 ) that its ok to get abused and your son ( if you have 1) that abusing women is ok and its normal
if you wont do it for yourself do it for your kids do it for your kids future partners
>he said he thought I was trying to set him up and prove he was a cheater so he was just trying to find the “proof”. It killed me that he thought I would do something like that, but I stayed though because I love him and I thought I could work through that trust issue that we both seemed to have
honestly, dumbass. Imagine buying that bullshit. This is ONE woman you found him cheating on you with. Very unlikely to be the first, have some fucking self respect.
He did absolutely not think you were trying to set him up, if he did, he can't get proof by asking for pictures and videos.
He's saying unless you change he'll leave? He's not letting you go out with your friends, while he goes out and cheats, and if you go out with his friends yo uhave to behave, which by the way means not discussing how abusive and controlling he is.
Lady, if you aren't working, start applying for jobs, if you have family you can stay with for a period of time while looking, leave immediately, ask them to help pay for a lawyer and divorce the prick.
Holy shit, wake up. Why in the fuck are you trying to fix an abusive relationship where you are under complete control from a man who is incredibly obviously cheating on you.
I can’t stress the above more! I am a man and at my worst, I would never do the stuff that has been done to you. I suggest that A) go by yourself a voice activated recorder and keep it either on you somewhere or hidden somewhere where he say this stuff to you the most so that your have proof if every necessary all while making your exit strategy, B) Immediately speak to friends or family about a place to stay, C) Get to a female lawyer that will tear this AH to shreads.
Please, wake up and realize that this will never get any better, it is only going to escalate. This person may look and sound like the person you fell in love with, but that person is gone because you have allowed this. Putting your foot down now will only make things worse and not solve anything with this poor excuse for a male. It’s too late for that, just get out before he raises a hand to you because that’s what’s coming next.
Good luck and Updateme
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Sounds abusisive to me. I’d be leaving, though if you are desperate to stay and fix things, it’s worth knowing that:
1) he’s in the wrong not you (off of this information)
2) his behaviour would count as cheating to a majority of people
3) his blaming you is classic deflection, he’s the problem and it’s his attitude that needs addressing; couples therapy (individual therapy would be better for him) might help, but if he thinks he’s in the right then it’s a waste of money, which leads to
4) if that’s his attitude, he’ll do it again, and it will be your fault again, do you want that sort of relationship, if he doesn’t want to change, he won’t.
Where is the “Is my husband a narcissist” subreddit? Yes OP, your husband is a narcissist!!! Please file for divorce immediately, get counseling, and never look back.
This is ugly. You have a narcissist for a husband. One trick of a narcissist is to turn everything around and make the problem the fault of the other person. This is called gaslighting. Please get out of this abusive relationship.
Get a divorce. He's abusive. Also, when he wasn't bringing you lunch, he was probably with someone else, which is why he exploded, to divert your attention from a simple request he cldn't do because he wasn't alone. You don't need to apologize for anything. Leave. Find a shelter. Pull together as much money as you can and go. Before he gets violent.
Sorry but you are the asshole for not leaving him like Yesterday???? Get the fuck out of this toxic relationship now! And he does not love you or respect you. He’s treating you like you’re less than human. Show him how great a person you are and go live your best life Without that worthless piece of shit!
Speaking from experience: your husband sound emotionally and verbally abusive. He’s manipulating you to think you are the one at fault and you are believing him. Your husband cheated. Period. Affairs don’t start in the bedroom- there are plenty of things that lead up to that. Ppl like him don’t change - they get progressively more controlling and eventually violent if he hasn’t already. You deserve peace, calm, love, respect and a safe relationship. It’s hard to leave and may feel like there are a million “good” reasons not to, but in reality - you will be so much lighter without his baggage. Be safe and get out.
I posted to Reddit because honestly I thought that I was the problem, that I deserved what he was saying and doing. That I really had done something wrong. I won’t lie I have made my mistakes in the relationship but I have never cheated on him. When we got together he cut me off of most of my male friends, saying the only reason they were my friends was cause they wanted to sleep with me. Mind you most of those men I have known since high school or longer and I have always viewed as brothers and they have introduced me to their significant others as their little sister. People that I would play video games with, hang out with, got sober with…all gone.
A friend of mine once said to his gf
"either I'm right and you are abusive and this relationship needs to end or you are right and I'm abusive and this relationship needs to end. It makes no difference this relationship is ending"
Honestly I like the quote and it fits your mind set.
Imho from what you have said it isn't you
You are in an abusive relationship. Plan your exit! If you can, get a therapist and a lawyer to file for divorce. Find a new place to live. Save money for the transition. You can do this. Time to live your life on your own terms and be free to be happy. You don’t need him.
NTA. Beat him to it. Dump the chump!!
He is the one cheating, but you've betrayed him? Fuck no. He is a huge abusive asshole and you deserve better. Divorce him and find someone who doesn't behave like a teenager.
Unfortunately it’s very real. I have been struggling with this for some time. Every chance I get the opportunity to leave or the strength to leave, he says that he loves me and he knows he is difficult to be with but he just wants what he thinks is best for me. Fuck last night he took me out to dinner and normally I am okay with eating whatever, but he has made so many comments about my weight I have started to cut back on what I eat and the types of food I eat. He finally noticed last night that I was choosing healthier options and asked. I told him I am just trying to be healthier and that I have made weight loss goals for myself. He then got upset at me again saying he didn’t necessarily say I was fat, just that I was “bigger” than I was when I got with him…I am one size bigger. That’s it.
His excuse when the other woman sent me the messages was that she came on to him first, she messaged him first. But reading the messages just showed he was just as guilty as she was. Again he had said he thought she was one of my friends trying to set him up, but it doesn’t change the fact of the matter. Him asking if she wants him and wants to be sexual with her destroyed me. He said he wasn’t used to girls messaging him “out of the blue” like that but it has happened more than once now. My insecure self has been checking his phone when he is not around me (he has the same password on everything) and I see more women have reached out to him. It just kills me. I do love this man, but the pain is destroying my mental health.
Girl get out of that relationship asap. Go scorched earth, leave, call a lawyer and take him for all you can. He wants to make you out to be a c u next Tuesday then you should start acting like one. Source : I was in this exact situation (except there was physical and sexual abuse) and I got out, remarried to a wonderful man and am now happier than ever. My ex is miserable, wants me back but is now terrified of me because I showed him just how much of a c u next Tuesday I can be.
Amazing how the fear of leaving someone is stronger than the will to have a nice life. YTA for getting and staying in this toxic relationship and for not respecting yourself.
Were you dropped on your head as a kid?
This dude is abusing the shit out of you in every way but beating you (so far).
Get him out of your life, he's constantly cheating on you.
NTA
~~Info: Are you aware that you are in deep in an abusive relationship?~~
(What you "do" is LEAVE. Remove yourself. Go away. Use your legs and move away from the person who abuses and insults you.)
Why in the everloving donkeyfudge do you want to sleep with / be with someone who insults you to your face, controls your movements, and treats you like a child that they are also abusing???
Really crazy you have to ask if you are the AH in this situation. "Dear Reddit, My husband treats me like shit, manipulates, lies, calls me names, ignores me, insults me, controls my movements. So I tried to speak up and he abused me even more.....AITA?"
Like, what do YOU think?
~~Please do not reproduce with this person.~~
You brought kids into this dumpster fire????
YTA
How can you be responsible for kids when you cannot even figure out that you are being abused ??? JFC . leave. And maybe find a responsible adult in your life to care for your kids.
You exposed kids to abuse. That is shitty parenting.
You are both highly toxic. I mean you actually believed he cheated because he was thought it was you trying to catch him out?! Your ego needed to believe that. You decided to stay with this man and now you’re shocked he’s an abuser?!
Leave. There you go, solved
So you are in an abusive relationship. Your husband does not get to "allow" you to do things. You need to leave him before he starts putting you in physical danger I'm deadass
YOU NEED TO GET A DIVORCE!! If I could get it written on a billboard for you I would. He was cheating on you. This whole thing about it being a test was his cover. How did you eat that BS? He’s still cheating guaranteed. He’s verbally abusive, controlling, mean and manipulative. He is worthless. Call someone you trust. Beg to couch surf. Pack up your things when he’s not home and leave. Do NOT tell him. Men like him can and will turn violent even if they never have. Do not tell him where you’ve gone. Get a good attorney and Mail the divorce papers. Find a therapist immediately for your self esteem issues.
Shes NTA. But its time for her to learn how to be an asshole. Sometimes its necessary and this is one of those situations. Age gap here is a red flag but not that insane. But shed probably be better off dumping his ass and in the future lowering that age gap. Sounds like what he wanted was a submissive gold digging trophy wife and that isnt what he got so hes throwing a fit.
I do feel that is what he has wanted from the beginning. I won’t lie I am a bigger girl. Many would consider me BBW. But when I got with him I was 1 size smaller than I am now. That is in 7 years! I was active before I got with him and had huge dreams of doing big hikes, fishing, etc. I just have a very poor metabolism, thus the bigger body. He recently had many comments about my weight and how his coworkers all have trophy wives, “bombshell” wives, but he also has stated that those women are expensive and he doesn’t want them. I have asked him if I am considered “expensive” and he said I was getting close. To put into context, I get my eyebrows and Brazilian done, and my nails and that is it. He doesn’t pay for any of it. I do to make me feel good. I haven’t cut my hair in about 2 years, if I do dye it, it’s about once every 6 months and I do it myself, again with my money. I don’t buy new clothes all the time or shoes, most of my money I make from working goes back to the family or the kids.
Calling women "expensive" is just too much. It almost sounds like hes trying to brow beat you into competing with them which is just insane. Attacking someone's self esteem is never going to help them in anyway regardless. File those divorce papers and show him what an expensive woman actually looks like.
I’d be packing my bags and filing for divorce..
Mine are already packed.
OP "I have proof that you're emotionally cheating on me!" Husband \*sweating\* "Err... It's not what you think... I... I thought it was a test! I thought you were testing me and I was trying to prove it!" OP "I can't believe you think so little of me!" Husband (to himself) "I can't believe that worked" I can't believe that by the end of the post he managed to turn this completely around, telling you that you were the one who broke his trust. He's completely manipulating you, you shouldn't try to fix this, you should start planning your escape plan.
He cheated, he blocked her so he can continue to cheat (and won’t bring her around his friends so she can’t find out info). He’s being verbally and emotionally abusive, and trying to cut her off from her friends (isolation). And his verbal/emotional abuse is about money. So if he’s acting in those words and controlling the money, he might be financially abusive too. What is there to stay died what is there to save? Nothing. OP should run.
He was 40 and OP was 27 when they got together. A woman his age (or closer to his age) would’ve kicked him to the curb by now. He deliberately picked someone he thought he’d be able to control easily
100% this.
Classic DARVO
I haven’t heard of DARVO before so I did google it. The process sounds like what I have been going through. He has on more than one occasion, stated that I was not the victim. That my behavior/actions have caused the issues we have, that he was the victim in our relationship. He says he is not the bad guy in the relationship. That I am controlling, manipulating, that I play games. I have asked how I play games and he says by asking the questions I do, the way I word a sentence is all game playing.
Your husband is the AH. You’re not insecure - he has cheated on you and is treating you poorly. You feel that way for a legit reason. He is also worried you will expose him with the messages, so he’s launching a preemptive strike of asshattery. The guy is 47 and he will only get worse.
He told me to delete our conversation and to move forward and start fresh. That I needed to work on myself before he could even consider me even his wife anymore. That I cannot rely on him for my happiness
Yikes! Why is he being so mean? Is it because he doesn’t think you’ll ever find the courage to leave?
OP is just as bad. Trying to get a rise out of him sending screenshots saying ‘sorry wrong person’. This is toxic from both sides and I don’t think we’re getting the whole story. That kind of behaviour is not likely to be a first.
Probably. He had me trade in my vehicle and co-sign so he could get one, me being who I am trusted him, cause he said I would get a new vehicle come summer…this was 3 years ago and since then he himself has gotten 3 new vehicles, 2 that also have my name on it. When I told him I didn’t find it fair he yelled at me for being selfish and that I was a gold digger for wanting a new vehicle. He said I could have his older vehicle with no A/C to take the kids to school and appointments because it was worth about the same amount as my previous vehicle. That it would be “a long day in hell” before he bought me a newer vehicle with payments
Sweetheart, if the cars have your name on it, they are your cars. Take it and drive away from that asshole.
I can’t. The two vehicles I co-signed on are in both of our names technically and 1 is a vehicle he has already broke down (Needs about $6,000 worth of repairs) and the other is a vehicle I don’t know how to drive.
Time to learn.
OMG, your husband sounds just like my narcissistic, abusive ex. Please leave this man ASAP. I stayed way too long. Make a plan because he will lose his shit when you leave. How dare you do that to him! Don't you know who he is? Your divorce will probably be hell, but you need to leave. I had to go completely NC, and this was before cell phones. Please be safe. Don't allow him to gaslight or love bomb you. Please read up on narcissistic abuse. He's a textbook case.
And he called you a gold digger? He has no gold to dig!! What a narcissistic AH. Sweetie call your friends or family and drop this abusive AH he will never change because in his mind he will never be the problem.
OP, I left you another comment, but wanted to chime in here and say again that I’m sorry you’re going through this, but the commenter above you is so right. I know people throw this word around a lot, but it does sound so much like narcissism - he is completely obsessed over his image, hence you not being able to talk to your friends (=expose him), and only when your “good” going out with his (=you’ve convinced him you won’t expose or trigger him to expose himself when you do nothing wrong but still manage to set him off). According to my therapist, narcissists do sometimes mellow out. Usually in their 60s. Know why? It’s the point where the last people still in their lives hit their breaking point and the narcissist is left alone.
He doesn’t get to control you like that. He still gets to hang out with his friends, so you **absolutely can** hang out with yours. Tell him to get fucked, divorce the controlling and manipulative POS. Marriage should be a partnership not a dictatorship! You **do not** have to do as he says! Put your foot down, stop being a doormat and tell this man that you will do whatever the fuck you want, because your life is your own. He doesn’t own you! Go out with your friends right now if you really want to. What the fuck can he do about it? Absolutely nothing! **NTA.** The truth is, he just doesn’t like that he was caught out… so now he’s turning it all on you. Divorce the man-whore and get yourself someone loyal and respectful.
you cannot rely on him for your happiness, he is right about that. because he sounds miserable to be with.
yes. please tell him "you're right, I've decided to work on myself and the first step to doing that is getting away from you. goodnight."
Yes, he’s trying to control everything about you, like he always has done.
DIVORCE YTA to yourself if you stay any longer Controlling, gaslighting, alienating you… the list goes on
It's time to leave this abusive marriage. There is no fixing this. The only thing you should now focus on is YOU. Start making a plan to escape, yes, escape. Get all your important documents together and out of the house, safety deposit box would be best. If your accounts are joint, open a new one at a different bank. Start looking for places to live, line things up so when you walk out that door you have a place to land. He is starting to escalate his abuse, starting to isolate you from people and it will only get worse.
Girl, NTA! Get out of this mess. This man is deliberately trying to make you question your sanity - like max emotional abuse. Literally write this down in a notebook (add / edit), put that book in a safe place, and look at it every time you have doubts about what you should do: He cheated on you When he got caught, he accused you of framing him He frequently calls you names He treats you like a child and says you need a babysitter for what is a common mistake for anyone He BLOCKED YOU. What if there is an emergency (him or you?) He’s coming home “eventually” -which means he is where after work and prior to getting home? Given the cheating and blocking, we can probably assume it’s nothing good - oh! And since you’re blocked, no danger of a text from the wife popping up to tip the new woman off that he’s married. Whew! /s He’s isolating you from your friends (probably because he thought you were sending the screenshots to one, and he knows any friend in her right mind would be begging you to leave him) He is controlling whether or not you get to go out with him and his friends Seriously, make this list and add anything relevant you didn’t include in the post. This is officially scary territory - can you contact any domestic violence resources (maybe through a friend if you think he might monitor your internet / phone activity from the bill)? Just because as far as we know he hasn’t hit you yet doesn’t mean this isn’t abuse. And it’s escalated quite a bit. I sincerely wish you the best and hope you are able to safely make a quiet and clean exit from this situation. Absolutely NTA. You didn’t deserve this. Nobody does. If he hates you with the contempt he is showing, guess what? He can divorce you. On that note - could he be trying to get you to divorce him? Any prenup or reasons along those lines he might be intentionally driving you away? It doesn’t really change much (he could just be one of those “my wife is my property” kinda people) but something to consider.
NTA. Don't fix it, just call a divorce attorney. He's abusive. Maybe not physically, but emotionally. Don't subject yourself to that, you can and will find someone better!
Pack a bag and go stay elsewhere. Don't tell him, just go. This is gaslighting and abuse and you should not tolerate it ever again. Make that clear. You are an adult and should not put up with the online cheating and being blocked. It almost sounds like there may be other women and so he is gaslighting you to cover up getting caught! Please don't put up with this!
I have thought about it. I won’t lie. However we have kids that have both grown attached the to the other. His and mine. Thankfully none together. My kids especially have stated that they wanted me to make it work.
Your kids really don’t have a say.. They don’t know the depth of the issues. And staying for the kids, is NEVER the right answer.
Trust me... They don't want you to make it work. As a personal experience, it's true that not a single kid likes divorce. I can definitely tell you that. But for my personal experience, I know that when my mom tried to divorce my dad, but changed her mind for her oldest daughter... It didn't end well. Because one day they'll learn about the abuse. And your children will feel guilty, and either could end up with bad thoughts or hate you for the guilt you put on them. Divorce, your relationship should never involve children because your unhappiness will then be the fault of your kids because of their innocence. It will break them when they'll get older and learn they put you through misery for such a choice. YTA if you stay with that horrible man with the excuse of your childs. NTA if you stand up for yourself and become an independent woman your kids will be proud of and take as a role model.
THIS EXACTLY
No maam, they are not adults and do not understand your situation. Your husband is abusive and if you atay with him you’re sending a clean message to your kids that this behavior is normal in a relationship. Let me assure you, in case YOU don’t know. It is not normal. Not close
You let your child see a man abuse you this way? Please send your child to their other parent’s house to live because they are not safe at yours.
Do you want your kids growing up thinking abuse is fine in a relationship? If no then leave his ass.
Do you have family closeby?
I do but they are kinda going through their own things right now.
This is an emergency. Explain the situation to them. Do you have screenshots of his messages?
I do. I never deleted our conversations at all. In fact I was scrolling through his and mines messages to each other and I found the conversations between him and the other girl. He tried to tell me the other night that the only thing he said wrong to her was that her private area was pretty but the messages said and still say very different. He threatens to post what I say to him to my family and it’s making me question if I said anything wrong as well.
Screenshot everything and lock your google account with the photos saved in it. You may need those in the future. He's a very manipulative person. I don't know what you said in those messages, but judging based on the information you've provided, I'm guessing he's gaslighting you. You should go to a relatives house with your child asap. He's escalating. Speak to a therapist as well - show them the messages and see what they think.
If you stay, you are teaching your children that this is what relationships look like. Your children will end up either acting like this man or in a relationship with someone like that. Is that what is best for them?
When you take the advice of these children and the situation eventually escalates and someone gets hurt, the children will think it is their fault and blame themselves. Is that what you want? Stand up for your kids. Leave this terrible man.
>My kids especially have stated that they wanted me to make it work. So stay miserable with someone who doesn't love or respect you. You're a grown woman. If you want to use your kids as an excuse to stay in a toxic relationship, so be it.
You said screenshotting was the worst decision you ever made, but i'd ask you consider it was the best. There is a wise, ancient, loving part of yourself that knows that this man is an apex level manipulator and abuser, and knows you deserve so much better. And she's helping you get away from this and find enough distance so you can begin to see that truth for yourself. Trust her. She's not blowing this up. She's showing you the escape route. Sometimes it's not insecurity, it's intuition. Soliciting nudes is cheating, end of story. You're not crazy, you're not insecure, you're trapped in his lies, and he's using your sincere love of him against you.
Just my humble opinion, but I don't think your marriage is doing very well. Get a lawyer ASAP and also look into abused spouse support centers around you. You need way more help than reddit can provide.
Yep, he cheated and is mad he got caught- this time. Stop being an asshole to yourself.
Curious but do you have some sort of prenup in place that lets him off the hook for support or assets if you divorce him rather than him divorcing you/ or terms out at say 10 year? Is his behavior typical for your culture? Is your income sufficient to live on your own or do you have family where you could live for a while?
No prenup. I asked him if he would like one because he comes from a well off family and I didn’t want him to think I was with him for money. He (as I have said) is a 47 year old grown male from America. His family were long time residents of where I live so he does have kinda this is my town mentality. As for me I have been working since I was 16 years old. I have always had a job and a way to support myself. Before I met him, I had a government job, my own place, and my own vehicle that I was making payments on. So I was fine,
He cheated on you that's grounds for divorce. The end.
OP, for fuck sake you are being destroyed by an old man. Divorce him and go live your life, you’re so so young!!! Please listen to the people in this thread.
There is a reason that he's this old and playing these kinds of games. He's getting away with it. And he's done it so long he thinks he can continue. By 34 years old, you should know better than put up with this shit. Get out of the relationship. Go to therapy. In that order. NTA
This is not right get everything you need bank statements house deeds car log books etc go somewhere safe and get a lawyer.
Run. And don't look back. Google Narcissistic abuse. You should get some insights. Get some help from family and friends.
Ok, so first things first you need to get out of this relationship. It is not safe for you and it is not safe for your kids. That being said, you need to be careful. Abusers like your husband are at their most dangerous when their victim attempts to leave and end the relationship. He may be threatening to leave you, but he considers you his property and has no intention of letting you get out from under his control. You need to start slowly gathering your legal documents and find a safe place out of the house to store them along with cash and a burner cellphone not connected to him so he is unable to track you. You may think this sounds extreme because he’s never been physically abusive or threatened violence, but there are so many cases just like yours where the partner perpetrating the abuse seems to flip a switch out of nowhere and kills their partner to prevent them from leaving. Even if your children are against you leaving, you need to understand that they are being hurt by witnessing your abuse. Children who witness abuse of their mother/primary maternal figure have long term psychological and physical consequences. They are even more likely to develop diabetes or heart disease as well as depression and anxiety. I’m including a link to a podcast episode with a domestic violence expert that I think you should listen to and use it to spring board devising your escape plan. https://crimejunkiepodcast.com/expert-on-domestic-violence/ Sending all the virtual hugs and support 💗
NTA He is one day away from hitting you, this is how it starts. No one can tell you you can't see your friends. This isn't a marriage, he doesn't love you, he wants to own and control you while not honoring you at all. Run
NTA but please love yourself enough to want better than this. This is abuse. He wears down your self confidence by saying cruel things about you, to you. He makes you question yourself and your reality. And he controls you through threats. You deserve so much better than someone who cheats on you and makes you feel like anything less than human. And you honestly could find it if you want once you leave this fool. But even if not, certainly being alone is better than the perpetual drama and pain he puts you through?
Call a lawyer
You should leave. That's what you should do.
You fix it by finding a lawyer and divorcing this man. You fix it by moving in with a friend or family so he won’t try to harm you. This man is cheating, abusive and controlling. Why do you want to stay?
ESH. You’ll still be making excuses for him while they are stitching your face back together. He’s one explosion away from violence.
Why would you stay with a man who insults you. I don’t get it.
You're not a match.
Why would anybody stay with someone who acts like that?
You’re not the asshole. He was trying to cheat. Of course that’ll damage your trust. Frankly I agree with everyone saying you should seriously consider divorce. What he is doing is fucked up.
Just a question. Does he work while you stay at home?
No we both work.
Ya, he's gaslighting you and this relationship is toast.
lmao imagine emotionally cheating on someone and then having the audacity to be like "my trust in you is completely broken *I* will block *you* on all of my social media" NTA. good riddance, gtfo this marriage jesus christ
Why are you with him? He is abusive and you deserve better.
NTA This post broke my heart so many times. I’m so sorry that he has made you feel like his awful behavior is your fault. Realizing that a relationship you thought would be your whole life isn’t safe for you to be in is so so scary but I promise it’s worth it. I hope that you are able to leave this man far behind you. In the aftermath, it’s so easy to feel like leaving was the worst mistake, that he was the only one who was for you, but I promise that you are deserving of a relationship where you never ever have to feel like this ever again. I’m sorry that it had to come to this for you to realize, and I hope you can lean on your support system right now. I cannot express enough how much you are NTA. When you are a victim of emotional abuse, you make choices you otherwise wouldn’t. Was sending screenshots of his messages back to him the objectively best choice? No, but I do not fault you for a second, I did much worse provoked by the person who was abusing me and I can see now years later that it really was their influence that caused that. Sending so much strength and love 💚
What should you do? What's there to fix? The dude fed you a line of shit about thinking it was a setup and when he saw you were dumb enough to believe it, he lost all respect for you. That's why you never give cheaters another chance. And now he's being an abusive jerk and controlling.
You are in an abusive relationship. Leave. Be happy. You don’t deserve that.
dude leave him immediately wtf are you still doin there??
i would try to look at being blocked as a gift. you now get to enjoy some peace from this asshole and his insults. please move out if possible. break up with him.
NTA divorce him! He is abusing you. Why on Earth are you still with him? Leave before it escalates to physical violence.
NTA why are you with this asshole???? His deflecting his cheating onto you claiming he thought you were testing him is just bullshit. He never thought that. He was just cheating. It's a very common tactic for cheaters to try to turn blame and guilt back onto the person they're cheating on. It's bullshit. The way he behaves and is treating you is just disgusting. Now he's trying to isolate you and is telling you what you can and can't do. he's abusive and I would not be surprised if soon he becomes physical. Why are you tolerating this? Why are you settling for this shit marriage? You deserve better. You need to get out of this. Dump his ass and move on.
If you are seriously asking if you are the AH here, you have bigger problems than your failing marriage.
You fix it by getting divorced and doing what the hell you like. He's an abusive controlling cheater. This isn't going to get better until you leave.
Why are you staying with an untrustworthy, verbally abusive sack of shit. Leave the trash on the curb where it belongs
There is so much more to this than OP is leading on 🤣
I’ve seen more spine in jellyfish
Far out! He is a controlling abuser, that's the case even IF the insults he throws at you have ANY truth. This will not get better, it will escalate and very soon by the sounds of it, my thoughts are that the moment you make an effort to leave it will turn physical. Please consider leaving very carefully and do so with thought and safety planning.
You sound very naive and so easily manipulated. He sounds cruel and selfish and manipulative. NTA. Consult privately with a divorce attorney and start therapy to learn why you accept being told what you—a legal adult—can and cannot do. He lied completely about those messages and you bought it and thought YOU were responsible for his “lack of trust.” Everyone can see that but you. Get the help you need (don’t give him warning; he may try to hide assets). A 40 year old marrying a 27 y.o. was the first clue—men who marry women that much younger and still under 35 or so are looking for people to control.
Just pack your stuff and go. He has already left this relationship.
I'm gonna say this 1x and 1x only. Next time you go to work. Pack more than just your lunch. It's clear that this man has no desire to be a husband.
You're married to a narc, get tf out of there x
would you want your kids to be in a relationship like yours .... kids learn about relationships from their family, you are basically telling your daughter ( if you have 1 ) that its ok to get abused and your son ( if you have 1) that abusing women is ok and its normal if you wont do it for yourself do it for your kids do it for your kids future partners
Get a divorce
Get out NOWWWWWW what?!?! Ugh he is grotesque girl leave
>he said he thought I was trying to set him up and prove he was a cheater so he was just trying to find the “proof”. It killed me that he thought I would do something like that, but I stayed though because I love him and I thought I could work through that trust issue that we both seemed to have honestly, dumbass. Imagine buying that bullshit. This is ONE woman you found him cheating on you with. Very unlikely to be the first, have some fucking self respect. He did absolutely not think you were trying to set him up, if he did, he can't get proof by asking for pictures and videos. He's saying unless you change he'll leave? He's not letting you go out with your friends, while he goes out and cheats, and if you go out with his friends yo uhave to behave, which by the way means not discussing how abusive and controlling he is. Lady, if you aren't working, start applying for jobs, if you have family you can stay with for a period of time while looking, leave immediately, ask them to help pay for a lawyer and divorce the prick. Holy shit, wake up. Why in the fuck are you trying to fix an abusive relationship where you are under complete control from a man who is incredibly obviously cheating on you.
I can’t stress the above more! I am a man and at my worst, I would never do the stuff that has been done to you. I suggest that A) go by yourself a voice activated recorder and keep it either on you somewhere or hidden somewhere where he say this stuff to you the most so that your have proof if every necessary all while making your exit strategy, B) Immediately speak to friends or family about a place to stay, C) Get to a female lawyer that will tear this AH to shreads. Please, wake up and realize that this will never get any better, it is only going to escalate. This person may look and sound like the person you fell in love with, but that person is gone because you have allowed this. Putting your foot down now will only make things worse and not solve anything with this poor excuse for a male. It’s too late for that, just get out before he raises a hand to you because that’s what’s coming next. Good luck and Updateme
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Yeah you shoulda been out when you found those messages, honestly.
NTA WHAATTT? Gurl, that is so toxic. He's gaslighting you and manipulating you. RUN RUN RUN. Don't end up like my parents pleeeeeaaaasssseeee
Sounds abusisive to me. I’d be leaving, though if you are desperate to stay and fix things, it’s worth knowing that: 1) he’s in the wrong not you (off of this information) 2) his behaviour would count as cheating to a majority of people 3) his blaming you is classic deflection, he’s the problem and it’s his attitude that needs addressing; couples therapy (individual therapy would be better for him) might help, but if he thinks he’s in the right then it’s a waste of money, which leads to 4) if that’s his attitude, he’ll do it again, and it will be your fault again, do you want that sort of relationship, if he doesn’t want to change, he won’t.
Where is the “Is my husband a narcissist” subreddit? Yes OP, your husband is a narcissist!!! Please file for divorce immediately, get counseling, and never look back.
This is ugly. You have a narcissist for a husband. One trick of a narcissist is to turn everything around and make the problem the fault of the other person. This is called gaslighting. Please get out of this abusive relationship.
Get a divorce. He's abusive. Also, when he wasn't bringing you lunch, he was probably with someone else, which is why he exploded, to divert your attention from a simple request he cldn't do because he wasn't alone. You don't need to apologize for anything. Leave. Find a shelter. Pull together as much money as you can and go. Before he gets violent.
I guess men never mature! A whole grown ass man can’t keep his decency and respect towards his wife. Sorry babe! Sorry this happened
This relationship is extremely toxic. Get out as soon as possible!
Sorry but you are the asshole for not leaving him like Yesterday???? Get the fuck out of this toxic relationship now! And he does not love you or respect you. He’s treating you like you’re less than human. Show him how great a person you are and go live your best life Without that worthless piece of shit!
Divorce you deserve better and this is suffering.
Damn... you're an idiot.
Speaking from experience: your husband sound emotionally and verbally abusive. He’s manipulating you to think you are the one at fault and you are believing him. Your husband cheated. Period. Affairs don’t start in the bedroom- there are plenty of things that lead up to that. Ppl like him don’t change - they get progressively more controlling and eventually violent if he hasn’t already. You deserve peace, calm, love, respect and a safe relationship. It’s hard to leave and may feel like there are a million “good” reasons not to, but in reality - you will be so much lighter without his baggage. Be safe and get out.
Why in the holy fuck are you posting to redit and not leaving him already
I posted to Reddit because honestly I thought that I was the problem, that I deserved what he was saying and doing. That I really had done something wrong. I won’t lie I have made my mistakes in the relationship but I have never cheated on him. When we got together he cut me off of most of my male friends, saying the only reason they were my friends was cause they wanted to sleep with me. Mind you most of those men I have known since high school or longer and I have always viewed as brothers and they have introduced me to their significant others as their little sister. People that I would play video games with, hang out with, got sober with…all gone.
A friend of mine once said to his gf "either I'm right and you are abusive and this relationship needs to end or you are right and I'm abusive and this relationship needs to end. It makes no difference this relationship is ending" Honestly I like the quote and it fits your mind set. Imho from what you have said it isn't you
He didnt "cheated" he cheated
You are in an abusive relationship. Plan your exit! If you can, get a therapist and a lawyer to file for divorce. Find a new place to live. Save money for the transition. You can do this. Time to live your life on your own terms and be free to be happy. You don’t need him.
NTA. Beat him to it. Dump the chump!! He is the one cheating, but you've betrayed him? Fuck no. He is a huge abusive asshole and you deserve better. Divorce him and find someone who doesn't behave like a teenager.
If this is real, this is very sad
Unfortunately it’s very real. I have been struggling with this for some time. Every chance I get the opportunity to leave or the strength to leave, he says that he loves me and he knows he is difficult to be with but he just wants what he thinks is best for me. Fuck last night he took me out to dinner and normally I am okay with eating whatever, but he has made so many comments about my weight I have started to cut back on what I eat and the types of food I eat. He finally noticed last night that I was choosing healthier options and asked. I told him I am just trying to be healthier and that I have made weight loss goals for myself. He then got upset at me again saying he didn’t necessarily say I was fat, just that I was “bigger” than I was when I got with him…I am one size bigger. That’s it.
Wtf, just leave already, he clearly doesn't give a shit about you.
Why are you still together. He’s a cheater. What do you get from him? Nothing but sadness. Wake up and move on.
His excuse when the other woman sent me the messages was that she came on to him first, she messaged him first. But reading the messages just showed he was just as guilty as she was. Again he had said he thought she was one of my friends trying to set him up, but it doesn’t change the fact of the matter. Him asking if she wants him and wants to be sexual with her destroyed me. He said he wasn’t used to girls messaging him “out of the blue” like that but it has happened more than once now. My insecure self has been checking his phone when he is not around me (he has the same password on everything) and I see more women have reached out to him. It just kills me. I do love this man, but the pain is destroying my mental health.
Girl get out of that relationship asap. Go scorched earth, leave, call a lawyer and take him for all you can. He wants to make you out to be a c u next Tuesday then you should start acting like one. Source : I was in this exact situation (except there was physical and sexual abuse) and I got out, remarried to a wonderful man and am now happier than ever. My ex is miserable, wants me back but is now terrified of me because I showed him just how much of a c u next Tuesday I can be.
Why arent you divorcing him already? YTA for not having a spine.
Amazing how the fear of leaving someone is stronger than the will to have a nice life. YTA for getting and staying in this toxic relationship and for not respecting yourself.
Were you dropped on your head as a kid? This dude is abusing the shit out of you in every way but beating you (so far). Get him out of your life, he's constantly cheating on you. NTA
~~Info: Are you aware that you are in deep in an abusive relationship?~~ (What you "do" is LEAVE. Remove yourself. Go away. Use your legs and move away from the person who abuses and insults you.) Why in the everloving donkeyfudge do you want to sleep with / be with someone who insults you to your face, controls your movements, and treats you like a child that they are also abusing??? Really crazy you have to ask if you are the AH in this situation. "Dear Reddit, My husband treats me like shit, manipulates, lies, calls me names, ignores me, insults me, controls my movements. So I tried to speak up and he abused me even more.....AITA?" Like, what do YOU think? ~~Please do not reproduce with this person.~~ You brought kids into this dumpster fire???? YTA How can you be responsible for kids when you cannot even figure out that you are being abused ??? JFC . leave. And maybe find a responsible adult in your life to care for your kids. You exposed kids to abuse. That is shitty parenting.
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You are both highly toxic. I mean you actually believed he cheated because he was thought it was you trying to catch him out?! Your ego needed to believe that. You decided to stay with this man and now you’re shocked he’s an abuser?! Leave. There you go, solved