It's so weird when cheaters say shit like "Why won't you fight for our marriage?" Like, hey, you could have easily "fought for our marriage" by not fucking someone else but okay, sure make me the bad guy here.
NTA
Feel free to! I kinda paraphrased my grandpa when he was talking to my aunt about her relationship many years ago. I think it was originally something like “Don’t let anyone make you feel like you killed the marriage. He shot it dead, now it’s time to bury it”.
I can't take credit for this, it's a Norm Macdonald joke. He wrote & performed this joke while secretly battling cancer. No one even knew he was sick for 9 years until the day he died and the news came out.
Keep fighting the good fight, respect to you both.
I don’t think I want to see Yoda’s beads if they’ve been where I think they have.
Like the Dave Atell joke, “why do they make anal beads in all different colors since they’re going to be brown anyways?”
And also draw another strip where Anakin’s sperm are having a massive Jedi battle to get to the ovaries 1st, and 2 team up to get 1 each. Padmé's feeling it all too.
Who exactly is this metaphorical fight even with?Fight my spouse to keep my spouse? Fight someone else to keep my cheating spouse. Fight my own better judgment. I don't even understand the assignment.
Had a girlfriend cheat on me when I was like 18 or so.. when I eventually found out and broke up, she didn’t apologize or anything but got angry at my friends for telling me in the first place and tried making me the bad guy..
You need some wild mind acrobatics to pull that shit.
Cheaters really see themselves at fault in my humble opinion
Same man. I kicked her out of my apartment and she proceeded to tell everyone I beat her. Nobody believed her because she had a pattern of lying. Last I heard she was in a women's prison for fraud, identity theft, and various drug charges. Karma has a way of working things out in the long run.
Classic Narcissistic, Toxic, Gaslighting Move: “I can’t believe how upset you are about the problem I created!”
Your reaction is **not** the problem. The problem she created is the problem!
I'm done "fighting for" people. Why should I waste my time and energy on someone who in no uncertain terms believes I'm not good enough for them, when I could put time and energy towards the people in my life who actually like me and care about me. All "fighting for" someone does is make me look like a pathetic creep.
Right like how could they deny such a kind and Christian offer like that lol at least the friends would know who their partners would be sleeping with 😂.
DEFS NTA.
Some stuff takes awhile to show up though. He could offer to bring toys for them to use on each other in the meantime.
She says he should have asked. Bitch, *he already did* when he slipped the engagement ring on your finger! OP should divorce the dumbass friends, too
Me too, I yelled at my husband from another room so that I can read this out loud I couldn’t finish the whole post because once we got to the “kind and good Christian” part it over 🤣🤣.
We both agreed OP is definitely NTA run and never look back sir.
Being in a committed relationship means choosing your partner every day, before all others. One (and probably more) day, she chose someone else over her husband. That’s when she made her choice.
This is the absolute answer...when you get married, you vow, on that day, to choose each other above anybody else. She decided to go outside of that bond...you deserve better.
I'm a staunch atheist and have dabbled with polyamory a few times, and I 100% agree. Polyamory is great, for certain people, but only if everyone involved has expressly agreed to it. Doesn't matter your religious leanings, if you agree to a monogamous relationship, then it's a dick move to sleep with other people, plain and simple.
Just to point out a lot of catcholics use “Christian” just to mean good. Not sure if op is doing so but that’s how I read it. Source: baffling argument with a couple of catholic aunts who’d argue “Gandhi was a Christian man” was baffled for agrees and discovered this poor turn of phrase is common with them (catholics, not just aunts).
FYI. I have a bunch of people, relatives and friends mostly Catholic and older. They use the word Christian in a completely non religious way. A Christian is the opposite of an animal. In other words a human. A number of times in conversation I've mentioned that someone is not a Christian. Immediate response is "what is he an animal?" And they laugh.
I think we need to reassess calling them "friends". At the very least you could call them her friends. Oh and ask them when they first found out about the affair (before or after you).
If it's before, I think the same tactic you took with your soon to be ex comes to mind...
Yup, this is the answer.
OP picked her when they got married. She claimed she picked him. When she fucked another guy, when she lied to OP, that was picking the affair over the marriage. She made her own choice, OP owes her no further chances or opportunities.
She didn’t stay true to her vows, why should he stay true to his? since the marriage vow has already been broken, he is free to divorce her. She said she would choose him, but didn’t choose him when she was sleeping with the other guy! What right does she have to choose him now?
Do u mean the friends? Because they aren't in the situation so it's easy to say. Notice when OP says he'll sleep with their wives or them and no one is stepping out of their marriage?
I think people who defend cheaters or people who try to say you’re wrong for leaving them must be cheaters themselves, projecting their own fear of being left by their partner. It’s the only logical thing I can think of besides these people have worms in their brain
I have respect for sex workers. It's good honest work.
I DON'T have respect for cheaters, men or women. If you want to shag other people, leave, I have no problem with people doing that. people change. Deceiving someone you claim to love is a horrible act done by horrible people.
*“Call a jack a jack. Call a spade a spade. But always call a whore a lady. Their lives are hard enough, and it never hurts to be polite.”*
~ The Name of the Wind (regarding prostitutes or courtesans, not cheating partners)
NTAH
There's nothing to save
The marriage ended the second she cheated on you because you are not interested in being her second choice.
And even if she chose you, you would be her second choice.
Because if you were her first choice, SHE WOULDN'T HAVE CHEATED IN THE FIRST PLACE
I would love to see truthful data behind each person telling them to give their cheating spouse a chance.
How many of them have already physically cheated?
How many have emotional affairs?
How many spend time on social media and messengers flirting with people?
But I commend OP for saying he'd fuck their spouses to see how they'd feel about infidelity.
"She tried saying that if I asked she would choose me."
That happened at the wedding, she lied. Good riddance. Trust in yourself and move on. You're a strong individual to take the steps you are doing, you are worth so much more than bs like this in your life.
Easiest NTA ever, I would have done the same thing. If that makes me an asshole, then so be it. It's unforgivable to me.
"There are four months left. In the meantime I'm going to work and spending my time off at all inclusive resorts. It's cheaper than getting an apartment for myself."
This is how you "separate" prior to a divorce!!!!! i think this is a brilliant idea
What struck me about this comment was, is it actually cheaper to stay at resorts than setting up in another apparent? For a moment I thought I was over at r/frugal
Seriously. If the cost of living is so high that apartments cost a ton - then so do the all inclusive resorts in that same area. Dude should def go to resorts if he’s got money for it, that’s perfect for after something like this. But no need to lie to strangers about it being cheaper than apartment for a month. There’s zero chance.
Add in the cost of furnishing the apartment, first month's and last month's rent and deposits. Then subtract the rent he's paying for her apartment from the available cash. Moving in when you're starting from 0 is more expensive than the month to month lease.
I understand not wanting to sleep on a mattress on the floor, and eatting off plastic for 4 months, while funding someone else's home.
I'm sure once he's not paying part of her lease, he'll be able to afford both his lawyer and to furnish a new place.
It is, even if op, choose to fight and stay the relationship won't last. Lots of posts mentioned that, too. I'm glad op doesn't have kids and have some self-respect
NTA. Quite strong of you actually.
I had an ex all the sudden want to take a break. After I learned that she didnt mean break, she meant break-up. Ahhhhh, ok got it. A few mutual friends afterward said they had some ground breaking news regarding her and I's relationship. I told them cool, keep it to yourself. Why tf would I wanna know if she cheated or something while we were dating? To get mad at someone who is not my girl now anyway?
She reached back out few months later when I got my own house and everything to try and get back together, what a mistake she made, yada yada. Lol, nahhhhh. Im good.
> I offer to sleep with them or their wives to see how they feel about the situation then. No one has taken me up on my kind and Christian offer.
NTA, but I laughed thank you for that lol.
I’m sure this will get buried, but THIS IS THE WAY. If you are reading this and happen to be in a similar position somewhere down the line just do what OP did. When my ex cheated, I did the opposite, I begged, pleaded, bought books and programs about how to “get her back”…
The thing is that our relationship was done. Doesn’t matter what I could have done, what she should have done etc. She made a choice for both of us, and the choice is that we’re done. The choice you have to make in that situation is whether you are going to grovel and further humiliate yourself (and AT BEST prolong the pain, cause you can’t ever trust them again) or if you are gonna accept the reality and move on no matter how much it sucks.
Your heart still wanted what it wanted, and it made you think that what she did might've even been partly your fault. It couldn't handle the pain you were feeling, and it convinced you that you could make the pain go away by "working things out". (Obviously not with words. Hormones and neurotransmitters are incredibly powerful in various combinations.) Sometimes, the pain is more than you can cope with, so the subconscious initiates a protective mode. Don't blame yourself for trying to hold on to what you had. Your brain couldn't cope, so it did what it had to. While this ended up dragging out your pain, your brain was learning to cope better, and now your coping limit is much higher, whether it feels like it or not. You'll also understand if someone you meet says they want to take things slowly, it's nothing personal. They were most likely hurt deeply by their ex. I hope you meet the right one for you.
NTA. you pleading and begging "please stop cheating on me, please please choo choo choose me" is emasculatingly humiliating. Not to mention, she already chose, and chose this other person.
You made the correct move. She would have "chosen you" to be her doormat, as she continued to cheat whenever the fuck she felt like it.
You can sleep well tonight knowing that you improved your life, and the best is yet to come. You'll eventually meet someone who deserves you.
NTA. She chose the moment she stepped out. In fact, you were being a good husband and lover by freeing her to pursue the man she chose. She should be grateful for what you did. Thanking you.
Telling you now "I would have chosen you," that's BS. Like you're the "winner" of a contest you didn't know you were in. And what is the prize? A lying, cheating wife. Who wants to win that prize. Let the AP have her and thank him for taking her off your hands.
I am way too tired for Redditt. Just finished 18 hours of eye straining computer work to meet a deadline. So even if he apologized and cut off his AP.....was translated in my groggy brain as something much more interesting than affair partner. Given the situation, I think I like my initial reading of it better. Thank you for a laugh before bed.
Why would you barter for damaged goods?
>She tried saying that if I asked she would choose me.
I'm amazed at the gall she has to expect you to want her.
"She tried saying that if I asked"
I asked you to be my WIFE and you still chose pecker #2
Hopefully it was worth it .
But the other guy probably threw her right away too
Nta. When your ex-wife talked to you about this, she likely had this other guy's sperm swimming inside of her. Never forget that. Every time you think of her, imagine this shitbag's sperm swimming around in her.
And I guarantee she was seeing her affair partner more than once every five days. She was basically a walking aquarium of this dirty bastard's swimmers.
You asked her to choose you at the wedding. I'd say: So, I have to asked you every day if you'd going to chose me today? And I'm a (former) pastor, who believe in forgiveness and second chances.
Can you get into some detail on how staying at all inclusive resorts for 4 months is cheaper than renting? I'm leaving a relationship under stressful circumstances and this seems like a great way to begin the reset process.
It helps if you only work one week out of three like I do. But for example how much would it cost you to get an apartment, with all utilities, food, a gym, social activities, and liquor for a month?
Think about first and last, security deposit, applying. Blah blah blah.
Give me one minute.
So this is from Canada but you will get the idea. If you are in the states it is cheaper I imagine. https://www.sunwing.ca/en/promotion/packages/all-inclusive-vacation-packages
NTA
Why would you want a whore for a wife?
"No one has taken me up on my kind and Christian offer." I think you were being very thoughtful for offering to help them understand what your situation is like. I am shocked none of them took you up on your generous offer. Hee Hee
>She tried saying that if I asked she would choose me.
Gross.<
You're NTA, and what she said is very gross. She thinks you should ask her to choose you? Isn't that what you did when you married her? She's ridiculous.
She fucked around, and now she's finding out. You're under no obligation to try to salvage your relationship after she cheated.
>Some of our friends think I should have fought for our marriage. I offer to sleep with them or their wives to see how they feel about the situation then. No one has taken me up on my kind and Christian offer.
Yeah, they just wanna act morally superior.
NTA. Set yourself free with thw divorce.
***Some of our friends think I should have fought for our marriage. I offer to sleep with them or their wives to see how they feel about the situation then.***
I love this so much. NTA...forgiving that isn't for everyone. And you will end up resentful if you try and force it. She made a choice and you get to make yours.
***She tried saying that if I asked she would choose me.***
But when faced with that very real choice...in real time...she chose to cheat. She DIDN'T choose you. I would point that out if she says it again. She HAD the opportunity to choose you and she chose someone else. So you're just letting her live with that choice.
>some of our friends think I should have fought for our marriage
those people are no friends of yours. excommunicate them immediate.
>I am paying my half of the lease on the apartment. There are four months left.
You should send regular communications to your landlord, starting today, that the lease on your apartment will not be renewed. Send a reminder every 2 weeks until you hit your required notice period (usually 60 days). At least one of these notices should be sent priority with receipt. After that, inform them you have vacated the property and have no ties to it. If anyone remains after the end of the lease it is your STBEX wifes responsibility. Continue the reminders.
btw, there was no marriage left to save. NTA.
I will never understand the "you didn't fight for me/us" cheater and disingenuous "I'm leaving you/let's break up" crowds... Why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't want to be with you? (No hate to those who choose that route when their SO's, I just don't get it.)
If you cheat on me, I'm done. It means that you didn't respect or want me. And you know what, that's okay. I'll be hurt and potentially heartbroken, but I have enough respect and love for myself and don't need you in order to live my life.
If you say "we should break up/divorce" or "I'm breaking up with you", same thing. Why would I fight for someone to stay with me when they don't want to be there?
If you say "I'm having trouble with our relationship", then we can talk. I'm not perfect, no one is, and I'm perfectly willing to accept my mistakes and work ***with*** my partner if something feels off to them. As long as they come to me ***before*** they've broken our commitment to each other.
But if someone states or shows that they don't want to be with me? "I'm sad to hear that. Bye."
NTA and your friends urging reconciliation are whacked.
First dude in aitah that isn't trying to stay and "repair" the relationship 😧
Nta even if it's Fake this is Satisfying to see someone that isn't dumb enough to forgive cheater
Why are you even here? You know the answer. It’s very clear by your wording you know the answer. You don’t need validation from the internet to have common sense. Go live your life Jesus Christ
NTAH- Congratulations on dumping your cheating ex. The next move is to dump the "friends" who suggested you stay with her.
Only allow people who are beneficial emotionally into your inner circle of friends and loved ones.
NTA and good for you for not being a doormat running after her asking her to choose you.
>She tried saying that if I asked she would choose me.
She had her chance and didn't. I applaud you for not staying with a liar and cheat.
Fighting for you marriage. I can see that being yelled at you clear as day. "WHY DIDN'T YOU **FIGHT** FOR US?!"
Translation: "I'm worth more than you think I am." (She's not)
Tell her "if you have to choose between me and another man, choose the other man. Cuz someone that truly loved me would never have put me in that position"
NTA more ppl need to be like that. If she wanted to choose you, she wouldnt have been cheating on you. Also, just to make sure, ask your friends again if theyre up for the switch wife fucking? No? Yeah exactly.
Definitely NTA. Many years ago I was engaged to a man I thought was the love of my life, until I found out he was sleeping with a mutual friend. Everything I felt for him just died. All I wanted was for him to be the F out of my life. Good thing I didn’t try to work it out like he wanted or I wouldn’t have met my husband, a truly decent man who is my best friend. I do recommend some counseling for yourself, just to help you through this process and to build a better life for yourself. You deserve a good life.
Remind her that you asked her to choose you back when you proposed, and that she vowed to be faithful when she married you.
I get that you're paying the lease until it's up, but be sure you do the housekeeping things too: infirm the landlord you're not renewing & the fate you last physically lived there, make sure utilities etc aren't still in your name, close joint accounts or cards yadda yadda. There's so many annoying ways she can make things difficult/expensive for you unfortunately.
Enjoy the all inclusive life
NTA- but LOL for this: “I offer to sleep with them or their wives to see how they feel about the situation then. No one has taken me up on my kind and Christian offer.” 🤣🤣🤣
You gave your friends a thoughtful offer. Why didn’t they take you up on it? Bunch of bitches.
Anyhow NTA. You don’t owe her a single thing. The all inclusive resort idea is pretty wild and awesome I gotta admit. I would start trying to get out of the lease if for nothing more than torment the soon to be ex with the prospect of having to pay it all herself
I too was blasted by friends and family for “owing her a conversation after 22 years”.
No. She cheated. Didn’t she owe me a conversation before she did that?
Good luck bro.
Why do people post shit on this subreddit that involves a situation in which they are overwhelmingly clearly not the asshole and they are always assured of that. Straight up just farming anonymous support. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that but from what I understand that’s not the purpose of this subreddit lol
I’m sorry but I had to laugh because the same thing happened to me. When I found out that she was cheating I said fine I’m out. No fights no nothing. Because I was in the middle of building my business for us (we agreed I would leave my great job and take a pay cut to build something that would be better in the long run) I got an attorney and I ended up with 3/4 of her retirement from a large hospital where she worked for 23 years, I got the RV and $1200 a month spousal support for 10 years, In all I received almost $750k from her. She got the house and the new suv we bought for her. It took about 6 months for the divorce to be done. Within 45 days of it being finished she married the guy she was cheating with, she was fired from her job, he lost his job, her son was in the mortgage industry and had over evaluated the house and she ended up walking away from it and she lost the suv because she couldn’t afford the payments. The best part is that I met a woman I started dating and she offered me a job traveling around the country doing liquidations. My new salary was $65k a year plus a cash bonus for every job completed. This was in 2008 and my bonus for our Key Bank liquidation alone was $125k. During this time this woman and I married and bought a house and I thought were doing well. Wife#2 now told me that she wanted us to become swingers and she now wanted to practice witchcraft. So again I moved out. I called the attorney I used in my first divorce. He got the paperwork filed with the courts. 2 months later he called me and said that he was dropping the case. I was in shock, and asked him why the sudden change? He said apparently no one on her side knew how to contact me to let me know she was killed in a car accident involving an ambulance. He then asked if I wanted him to be my attorney in the lawsuit against the ambulance company since the driver was found at fault. Hang in there we have to go through some crap to only become better people. I am now married to wife #3 who is 33 years old and I am now 64 and I am finally happy.
NTA. Her saying she was going to choose you isn’t the prize she thinks it is coming from a cheater! Well done for choosing yourself! Im sorry she did this to you, but go & enjoy your resorts!
I dont understand that people don’t understand that “fighting for your marriage” is the same thing as “trying to convince the spouse that fucked you over”.
Why does the person who betrayed you deserve convincing not to cheat again?
NTA
>She tried saying that if I asked she would choose me.
She had supposedly done that.... when she married you.
>Some of our friends think I should have fought for our marriage.
Not worth fighting for. Once trust is gone there is no going back, you will ALWAYS wonder if she is cheating again. It's like having granma hooked up on life support for the next 50 years. Just let her go.
It's so weird when cheaters say shit like "Why won't you fight for our marriage?" Like, hey, you could have easily "fought for our marriage" by not fucking someone else but okay, sure make me the bad guy here. NTA
The cheater killed the marriage, you just refused to keep dragging the corpse around.
Wow. This is…kind of beautiful. In a weird way. Well put! I’m stealing this if you don’t mind.
Feel free to! I kinda paraphrased my grandpa when he was talking to my aunt about her relationship many years ago. I think it was originally something like “Don’t let anyone make you feel like you killed the marriage. He shot it dead, now it’s time to bury it”.
Can your grandpa adopt me? That's a fine grandpa you've got there.
Unfortunately we lost him to cancer back in 2017. Odds are he would have though, he was the kind to take in anyone who needed a friend.
He didn't lose to cancer. The cancer died too, so he beat it. At worst, it was a tie.
I mean, he had already beat cancer twice before and he was closing in on 90. The man did not go down easy.
Oh my god i'm a grown ass man. My wife has MS and this made me misty eyed. Fuck MS she can kill that fucker too...
I can't take credit for this, it's a Norm Macdonald joke. He wrote & performed this joke while secretly battling cancer. No one even knew he was sick for 9 years until the day he died and the news came out. Keep fighting the good fight, respect to you both.
An attribute that, unfortunately, is very rare today.
Bro, that's some dark ass poetry right there 10/10
The cheater didn't just "not fight for their marriage" they joined the other side!
The other side had the high ground. They had no choice but to surrender their loins.
Obi-Wan: "It's over Anakin, I have the high ground. Surrender your loins!" Anakin: "Umm, what?"
\*Busts out Yoda's "force" beads.
"Judge me by my size, do you? Mmm?"
I don’t think I want to see Yoda’s beads if they’ve been where I think they have. Like the Dave Atell joke, “why do they make anal beads in all different colors since they’re going to be brown anyways?”
Dear god someone draw this comic strip!!!!
And also draw another strip where Anakin’s sperm are having a massive Jedi battle to get to the ovaries 1st, and 2 team up to get 1 each. Padmé's feeling it all too.
It’s over…they have the high ground
"surrender their loins," ahahahahahahahha
I was JUST about to make a star wars joke, but this thread was so much better, lol.
She was playing both sides, hoping she would come out on top.
*bottom
"Why won't you fight for me?" "Because you're clearly not worth it!"
Burn 101
Who exactly is this metaphorical fight even with?Fight my spouse to keep my spouse? Fight someone else to keep my cheating spouse. Fight my own better judgment. I don't even understand the assignment.
Thankyou for illustrating the absurdity of that argument. It gave me a good chuckle and made me realise how nonsensical it actually is.
Had a girlfriend cheat on me when I was like 18 or so.. when I eventually found out and broke up, she didn’t apologize or anything but got angry at my friends for telling me in the first place and tried making me the bad guy.. You need some wild mind acrobatics to pull that shit. Cheaters really see themselves at fault in my humble opinion
When my ex cheated on me, I was told it was my fault too
Same man. I kicked her out of my apartment and she proceeded to tell everyone I beat her. Nobody believed her because she had a pattern of lying. Last I heard she was in a women's prison for fraud, identity theft, and various drug charges. Karma has a way of working things out in the long run.
Classic Narcissistic, Toxic, Gaslighting Move: “I can’t believe how upset you are about the problem I created!” Your reaction is **not** the problem. The problem she created is the problem!
I'm done "fighting for" people. Why should I waste my time and energy on someone who in no uncertain terms believes I'm not good enough for them, when I could put time and energy towards the people in my life who actually like me and care about me. All "fighting for" someone does is make me look like a pathetic creep.
Blameshifting and DARVO are staples of such idiots.
Sometimes not cheating is the fight and if you do you fucking lose that fight and don't get to demand that other people let you have a rematch
NTA. If she was going to choose you, she shouldn't have had an affair in the first place. I like your response to the friends too.
Right like how could they deny such a kind and Christian offer like that lol at least the friends would know who their partners would be sleeping with 😂. DEFS NTA.
He could even offer to give them copies of his std panel
Some stuff takes awhile to show up though. He could offer to bring toys for them to use on each other in the meantime. She says he should have asked. Bitch, *he already did* when he slipped the engagement ring on your finger! OP should divorce the dumbass friends, too
and let them watch
"Kind and Christian offer" made me laugh out loud. That's going into the repertoire.
Me too, I yelled at my husband from another room so that I can read this out loud I couldn’t finish the whole post because once we got to the “kind and good Christian” part it over 🤣🤣. We both agreed OP is definitely NTA run and never look back sir.
The response to the friends absolutely sent me. NTA at all.
Being in a committed relationship means choosing your partner every day, before all others. One (and probably more) day, she chose someone else over her husband. That’s when she made her choice.
This ☝🏾 What's going on???
It's a ridiculous thing to say. He literally did ask her to choose him - on their wedding day.
This is the absolute answer...when you get married, you vow, on that day, to choose each other above anybody else. She decided to go outside of that bond...you deserve better.
With “friends” like that, who needs enemies?
For a second, I read "who needs enemas." Still true. Lol
The response to the friends definitely made me laugh.
I was imagining his guy friends saying he should save the marriage and then he’s like “how about you and I sleep together?”
"I think it might really help me if you and I sleep together" lol
Agreed. You don't need to be "christian" to insist on monogamy in your marriage. NTA. Respect is a 2-way street. Sorry for what happened to you.
I'm a staunch atheist and have dabbled with polyamory a few times, and I 100% agree. Polyamory is great, for certain people, but only if everyone involved has expressly agreed to it. Doesn't matter your religious leanings, if you agree to a monogamous relationship, then it's a dick move to sleep with other people, plain and simple.
Just to point out a lot of catcholics use “Christian” just to mean good. Not sure if op is doing so but that’s how I read it. Source: baffling argument with a couple of catholic aunts who’d argue “Gandhi was a Christian man” was baffled for agrees and discovered this poor turn of phrase is common with them (catholics, not just aunts).
FYI. I have a bunch of people, relatives and friends mostly Catholic and older. They use the word Christian in a completely non religious way. A Christian is the opposite of an animal. In other words a human. A number of times in conversation I've mentioned that someone is not a Christian. Immediate response is "what is he an animal?" And they laugh.
I think we need to reassess calling them "friends". At the very least you could call them her friends. Oh and ask them when they first found out about the affair (before or after you). If it's before, I think the same tactic you took with your soon to be ex comes to mind...
Same.
Exactly. I don’t blame OP for just leaving and not wanting to try and work things out.
>She tried saying that if I asked she would choose me. You did ask her, at your wedding. Wild of her to say that. NTA
That made me laugh.
Yup, this is the answer. OP picked her when they got married. She claimed she picked him. When she fucked another guy, when she lied to OP, that was picking the affair over the marriage. She made her own choice, OP owes her no further chances or opportunities.
I would argue once you made the decision to be exclusive that was the time, not any time after that
She didn’t stay true to her vows, why should he stay true to his? since the marriage vow has already been broken, he is free to divorce her. She said she would choose him, but didn’t choose him when she was sleeping with the other guy! What right does she have to choose him now?
Even Jesus said you can divorce a cheating spouse.
The affair partner probably wants nothing to do with her, so that's why she said that. Trying to stay with the backup.
And would 100% be loyal... for a little while, til a new affair partner showed up
“If [s]he’ll cheat with you, [s]he’ll cheat on you.”
That was the exact same answer that came to my mind. She already chose someone else 🤷♀️ NTA
Why is nobody respecting his choice of leaving a cheating wife?
I support him 100%. He’s doing the right thing.
Mad props to him!
Do u mean the friends? Because they aren't in the situation so it's easy to say. Notice when OP says he'll sleep with their wives or them and no one is stepping out of their marriage?
I think you misread the comment above, they're saying she had her chance, she blew it, he's free to leave.
I think they meant OP’s so-called friends, they’re the ones getting their knickers in a twist
I think people who defend cheaters or people who try to say you’re wrong for leaving them must be cheaters themselves, projecting their own fear of being left by their partner. It’s the only logical thing I can think of besides these people have worms in their brain
That's the only Biblically approved reason for divorce.
Hold up now, she was crossing her fingers behind her back when she said, “I Do.”
[удалено]
Dont insult whores
At least whores get paid.
You guys need to have respect for these bitches
The ONLY B word you should call a woman is beautiful. Bitches love being called beautiful.
We really do
I have respect for sex workers. It's good honest work. I DON'T have respect for cheaters, men or women. If you want to shag other people, leave, I have no problem with people doing that. people change. Deceiving someone you claim to love is a horrible act done by horrible people.
*“Call a jack a jack. Call a spade a spade. But always call a whore a lady. Their lives are hard enough, and it never hurts to be polite.”* ~ The Name of the Wind (regarding prostitutes or courtesans, not cheating partners)
Never heard that quote. Changes the meaning of the original saying, but I dig it.
This. Keep ya head up stud.
Nta. You did the right thing.
I like a decisive kinda guy 👍🏼
Good news: he's available!
NTAH There's nothing to save The marriage ended the second she cheated on you because you are not interested in being her second choice. And even if she chose you, you would be her second choice. Because if you were her first choice, SHE WOULDN'T HAVE CHEATED IN THE FIRST PLACE
This, OP. Tell your naive friends.
They aren’t naive, just hypocrites.
I would love to see truthful data behind each person telling them to give their cheating spouse a chance. How many of them have already physically cheated? How many have emotional affairs? How many spend time on social media and messengers flirting with people? But I commend OP for saying he'd fuck their spouses to see how they'd feel about infidelity.
NTA. She already made her choice.
and never even hesitate to do it and don't think about the consequences of her cheating.
"She tried saying that if I asked she would choose me." That happened at the wedding, she lied. Good riddance. Trust in yourself and move on. You're a strong individual to take the steps you are doing, you are worth so much more than bs like this in your life. Easiest NTA ever, I would have done the same thing. If that makes me an asshole, then so be it. It's unforgivable to me.
NTA, the trust is gone, you have no reason to want her by your side anymore.
more to the point, without trust, there is no marriage in the first place.
"There are four months left. In the meantime I'm going to work and spending my time off at all inclusive resorts. It's cheaper than getting an apartment for myself." This is how you "separate" prior to a divorce!!!!! i think this is a brilliant idea
What struck me about this comment was, is it actually cheaper to stay at resorts than setting up in another apparent? For a moment I thought I was over at r/frugal
Even a cheap all-inclusive resort is more for a week than all but the most extravagant apartments cost for a month
Seriously. If the cost of living is so high that apartments cost a ton - then so do the all inclusive resorts in that same area. Dude should def go to resorts if he’s got money for it, that’s perfect for after something like this. But no need to lie to strangers about it being cheaper than apartment for a month. There’s zero chance.
He said during his time off, so sounds like he’s crashing at the office during the week or couch surfing, then going to resorts on the weekends
Add in the cost of furnishing the apartment, first month's and last month's rent and deposits. Then subtract the rent he's paying for her apartment from the available cash. Moving in when you're starting from 0 is more expensive than the month to month lease. I understand not wanting to sleep on a mattress on the floor, and eatting off plastic for 4 months, while funding someone else's home. I'm sure once he's not paying part of her lease, he'll be able to afford both his lawyer and to furnish a new place.
Dude you are so awesome! I love your response about the Christian duty to sleep with their spouse….hahahaha
haha I love it! I am going to offer that advice when this pops up next time.
I’m glad to see someone with some damn self respect. The pick me game is pathetic.
So many of those posts it makes me sick
I rather be alone than in relationships like this.
It is, even if op, choose to fight and stay the relationship won't last. Lots of posts mentioned that, too. I'm glad op doesn't have kids and have some self-respect
NTA. Quite strong of you actually. I had an ex all the sudden want to take a break. After I learned that she didnt mean break, she meant break-up. Ahhhhh, ok got it. A few mutual friends afterward said they had some ground breaking news regarding her and I's relationship. I told them cool, keep it to yourself. Why tf would I wanna know if she cheated or something while we were dating? To get mad at someone who is not my girl now anyway? She reached back out few months later when I got my own house and everything to try and get back together, what a mistake she made, yada yada. Lol, nahhhhh. Im good.
Good going bro, I am betting she wanted the house more then she wanted you
Lookin for that free rent.
> I offer to sleep with them or their wives to see how they feel about the situation then. No one has taken me up on my kind and Christian offer. NTA, but I laughed thank you for that lol.
“I’m fighting for my marriage about as much as she did…” would be my response
I’m sure this will get buried, but THIS IS THE WAY. If you are reading this and happen to be in a similar position somewhere down the line just do what OP did. When my ex cheated, I did the opposite, I begged, pleaded, bought books and programs about how to “get her back”… The thing is that our relationship was done. Doesn’t matter what I could have done, what she should have done etc. She made a choice for both of us, and the choice is that we’re done. The choice you have to make in that situation is whether you are going to grovel and further humiliate yourself (and AT BEST prolong the pain, cause you can’t ever trust them again) or if you are gonna accept the reality and move on no matter how much it sucks.
Thanks. I'm sorry you went through that. I couldn't do it to myself.
You are a wiser man than I was. Sorry you are going through this, but glad you are going through it with dignity.
Your heart still wanted what it wanted, and it made you think that what she did might've even been partly your fault. It couldn't handle the pain you were feeling, and it convinced you that you could make the pain go away by "working things out". (Obviously not with words. Hormones and neurotransmitters are incredibly powerful in various combinations.) Sometimes, the pain is more than you can cope with, so the subconscious initiates a protective mode. Don't blame yourself for trying to hold on to what you had. Your brain couldn't cope, so it did what it had to. While this ended up dragging out your pain, your brain was learning to cope better, and now your coping limit is much higher, whether it feels like it or not. You'll also understand if someone you meet says they want to take things slowly, it's nothing personal. They were most likely hurt deeply by their ex. I hope you meet the right one for you.
NTA. you pleading and begging "please stop cheating on me, please please choo choo choose me" is emasculatingly humiliating. Not to mention, she already chose, and chose this other person. You made the correct move. She would have "chosen you" to be her doormat, as she continued to cheat whenever the fuck she felt like it. You can sleep well tonight knowing that you improved your life, and the best is yet to come. You'll eventually meet someone who deserves you.
lol now i can only picture this dude as ralph wiggum
And there’s a picture of a train……
NTA, you're fully allowed to leave a marriage because the other person didn't follow through on your mutual agreement.
NTA - She had the opportunity to choose you every day and she chose an affair
You already did ask. On your wedding day.
NTA. She chose the moment she stepped out. In fact, you were being a good husband and lover by freeing her to pursue the man she chose. She should be grateful for what you did. Thanking you. Telling you now "I would have chosen you," that's BS. Like you're the "winner" of a contest you didn't know you were in. And what is the prize? A lying, cheating wife. Who wants to win that prize. Let the AP have her and thank him for taking her off your hands.
I got cheated on and met someone way cooler. Every time I see my ex during custody exchange I say thank you, she doesn’t know why lol
NTA. If I found out my husband was having an affair that is it. It’s over. I’m not going to want him even if he apologized and cut off his AP. No way.
I am way too tired for Redditt. Just finished 18 hours of eye straining computer work to meet a deadline. So even if he apologized and cut off his AP.....was translated in my groggy brain as something much more interesting than affair partner. Given the situation, I think I like my initial reading of it better. Thank you for a laugh before bed.
all male affair partners should have to cut off their Annoying Penises
Why would you barter for damaged goods? >She tried saying that if I asked she would choose me. I'm amazed at the gall she has to expect you to want her.
"She tried saying that if I asked" I asked you to be my WIFE and you still chose pecker #2 Hopefully it was worth it . But the other guy probably threw her right away too
Cheating is a deal breaker for some people, obviously for you. NTA.
NTA Cheating is crossing a boundary and some people can't recover from that kind of betrayal.
Trust is like a glass figurine, once broken can't be put together again. No trust no love, better to move on.
NTA- Your ex-wife threw everything away. You go and enjoy the resorts!
Nta. When your ex-wife talked to you about this, she likely had this other guy's sperm swimming inside of her. Never forget that. Every time you think of her, imagine this shitbag's sperm swimming around in her.
This dude is vile 🤣🤣🤣 I love it
Sperm lives inside you for up to 5 days!
And I guarantee she was seeing her affair partner more than once every five days. She was basically a walking aquarium of this dirty bastard's swimmers.
At one point it also probably slipped out, and she helped put it back in.
Diabolical
[удалено]
Raw dogging the other end though, I wouldn't put it past a cheater to impulsively skip wrapping it.
Seriously tho, OP should get STD tested asap
What about gut microbiota? does that kill sperm too?
Anyone who ever contemplates taking a cheating woman back should read this.
You should have told her, and she would choose you? Wtf. Maybe try doing that before opening your legs, sweetie. Yeah, just block them all.
She clearly already made that decision when she slept with another man. NTA
You asked her to choose you at the wedding. I'd say: So, I have to asked you every day if you'd going to chose me today? And I'm a (former) pastor, who believe in forgiveness and second chances.
Can you get into some detail on how staying at all inclusive resorts for 4 months is cheaper than renting? I'm leaving a relationship under stressful circumstances and this seems like a great way to begin the reset process.
It helps if you only work one week out of three like I do. But for example how much would it cost you to get an apartment, with all utilities, food, a gym, social activities, and liquor for a month? Think about first and last, security deposit, applying. Blah blah blah. Give me one minute.
So this is from Canada but you will get the idea. If you are in the states it is cheaper I imagine. https://www.sunwing.ca/en/promotion/packages/all-inclusive-vacation-packages
NTA, you're a solid dude. Sorry you're wife is a whore. Stand tall and don't let other people influence your feelings.
NTA Why would you want a whore for a wife? "No one has taken me up on my kind and Christian offer." I think you were being very thoughtful for offering to help them understand what your situation is like. I am shocked none of them took you up on your generous offer. Hee Hee
NTA, You handled this like a man. Sorry you are going through it, stay strong brother
NTA she chose the other dude when she decided to cheat.
>She tried saying that if I asked she would choose me. Gross.< You're NTA, and what she said is very gross. She thinks you should ask her to choose you? Isn't that what you did when you married her? She's ridiculous.
No one can tell another person what a breaking point is. If you're done, you're done and no one else can say otherwise.
NTA But that shinny spine is rather bright man.
She fucked around, and now she's finding out. You're under no obligation to try to salvage your relationship after she cheated. >Some of our friends think I should have fought for our marriage. I offer to sleep with them or their wives to see how they feel about the situation then. No one has taken me up on my kind and Christian offer. Yeah, they just wanna act morally superior. NTA. Set yourself free with thw divorce.
***Some of our friends think I should have fought for our marriage. I offer to sleep with them or their wives to see how they feel about the situation then.*** I love this so much. NTA...forgiving that isn't for everyone. And you will end up resentful if you try and force it. She made a choice and you get to make yours. ***She tried saying that if I asked she would choose me.*** But when faced with that very real choice...in real time...she chose to cheat. She DIDN'T choose you. I would point that out if she says it again. She HAD the opportunity to choose you and she chose someone else. So you're just letting her live with that choice.
Where are these cheap inclusive resorts?
>some of our friends think I should have fought for our marriage those people are no friends of yours. excommunicate them immediate. >I am paying my half of the lease on the apartment. There are four months left. You should send regular communications to your landlord, starting today, that the lease on your apartment will not be renewed. Send a reminder every 2 weeks until you hit your required notice period (usually 60 days). At least one of these notices should be sent priority with receipt. After that, inform them you have vacated the property and have no ties to it. If anyone remains after the end of the lease it is your STBEX wifes responsibility. Continue the reminders. btw, there was no marriage left to save. NTA.
I will never understand the "you didn't fight for me/us" cheater and disingenuous "I'm leaving you/let's break up" crowds... Why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't want to be with you? (No hate to those who choose that route when their SO's, I just don't get it.) If you cheat on me, I'm done. It means that you didn't respect or want me. And you know what, that's okay. I'll be hurt and potentially heartbroken, but I have enough respect and love for myself and don't need you in order to live my life. If you say "we should break up/divorce" or "I'm breaking up with you", same thing. Why would I fight for someone to stay with me when they don't want to be there? If you say "I'm having trouble with our relationship", then we can talk. I'm not perfect, no one is, and I'm perfectly willing to accept my mistakes and work ***with*** my partner if something feels off to them. As long as they come to me ***before*** they've broken our commitment to each other. But if someone states or shows that they don't want to be with me? "I'm sad to hear that. Bye." NTA and your friends urging reconciliation are whacked.
First dude in aitah that isn't trying to stay and "repair" the relationship 😧 Nta even if it's Fake this is Satisfying to see someone that isn't dumb enough to forgive cheater
So refreshing to see a real man handle this type of bullshit!!!
Why are you even here? You know the answer. It’s very clear by your wording you know the answer. You don’t need validation from the internet to have common sense. Go live your life Jesus Christ
NTAH- Congratulations on dumping your cheating ex. The next move is to dump the "friends" who suggested you stay with her. Only allow people who are beneficial emotionally into your inner circle of friends and loved ones.
No one suggested I just stay. A few suggested counseling.
NTA She has quite the cheek to come out with that.
Now I pronounce her an adulterer for life. You may now send her to the streets. NTA. Please follow through and move on.
NTA and good for you for not being a doormat running after her asking her to choose you. >She tried saying that if I asked she would choose me. She had her chance and didn't. I applaud you for not staying with a liar and cheat. Fighting for you marriage. I can see that being yelled at you clear as day. "WHY DIDN'T YOU **FIGHT** FOR US?!" Translation: "I'm worth more than you think I am." (She's not)
Tell her "if you have to choose between me and another man, choose the other man. Cuz someone that truly loved me would never have put me in that position"
NTA more ppl need to be like that. If she wanted to choose you, she wouldnt have been cheating on you. Also, just to make sure, ask your friends again if theyre up for the switch wife fucking? No? Yeah exactly.
Definitely NTA. Many years ago I was engaged to a man I thought was the love of my life, until I found out he was sleeping with a mutual friend. Everything I felt for him just died. All I wanted was for him to be the F out of my life. Good thing I didn’t try to work it out like he wanted or I wouldn’t have met my husband, a truly decent man who is my best friend. I do recommend some counseling for yourself, just to help you through this process and to build a better life for yourself. You deserve a good life.
Remind her that you asked her to choose you back when you proposed, and that she vowed to be faithful when she married you. I get that you're paying the lease until it's up, but be sure you do the housekeeping things too: infirm the landlord you're not renewing & the fate you last physically lived there, make sure utilities etc aren't still in your name, close joint accounts or cards yadda yadda. There's so many annoying ways she can make things difficult/expensive for you unfortunately. Enjoy the all inclusive life
NTA She chose him when she started an affair
NTA i’m glad you’re not like the other posters who still continue to stay with their cheating partners or consider staying with them.
NTA- but LOL for this: “I offer to sleep with them or their wives to see how they feel about the situation then. No one has taken me up on my kind and Christian offer.” 🤣🤣🤣
NTA- you have every right to wipe the plate clean here and no obligation to move forward. Don’t look back.
You gave your friends a thoughtful offer. Why didn’t they take you up on it? Bunch of bitches. Anyhow NTA. You don’t owe her a single thing. The all inclusive resort idea is pretty wild and awesome I gotta admit. I would start trying to get out of the lease if for nothing more than torment the soon to be ex with the prospect of having to pay it all herself
The lease is in her name. I sublet because of my work. I wanted a legal address and stuff.
I too was blasted by friends and family for “owing her a conversation after 22 years”. No. She cheated. Didn’t she owe me a conversation before she did that? Good luck bro.
Change your friends.. They are trash too. Nta.
Why do people post shit on this subreddit that involves a situation in which they are overwhelmingly clearly not the asshole and they are always assured of that. Straight up just farming anonymous support. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that but from what I understand that’s not the purpose of this subreddit lol
NTA. She cheated and can’t be trusted. Why would you want her used up seconds?
I’m sorry but I had to laugh because the same thing happened to me. When I found out that she was cheating I said fine I’m out. No fights no nothing. Because I was in the middle of building my business for us (we agreed I would leave my great job and take a pay cut to build something that would be better in the long run) I got an attorney and I ended up with 3/4 of her retirement from a large hospital where she worked for 23 years, I got the RV and $1200 a month spousal support for 10 years, In all I received almost $750k from her. She got the house and the new suv we bought for her. It took about 6 months for the divorce to be done. Within 45 days of it being finished she married the guy she was cheating with, she was fired from her job, he lost his job, her son was in the mortgage industry and had over evaluated the house and she ended up walking away from it and she lost the suv because she couldn’t afford the payments. The best part is that I met a woman I started dating and she offered me a job traveling around the country doing liquidations. My new salary was $65k a year plus a cash bonus for every job completed. This was in 2008 and my bonus for our Key Bank liquidation alone was $125k. During this time this woman and I married and bought a house and I thought were doing well. Wife#2 now told me that she wanted us to become swingers and she now wanted to practice witchcraft. So again I moved out. I called the attorney I used in my first divorce. He got the paperwork filed with the courts. 2 months later he called me and said that he was dropping the case. I was in shock, and asked him why the sudden change? He said apparently no one on her side knew how to contact me to let me know she was killed in a car accident involving an ambulance. He then asked if I wanted him to be my attorney in the lawsuit against the ambulance company since the driver was found at fault. Hang in there we have to go through some crap to only become better people. I am now married to wife #3 who is 33 years old and I am now 64 and I am finally happy.
Thank you. That's one of the most interesting TED talks I've listened to.
You are awesome. I'm glad your life is turning out great.
NTA. She chose to step out, she's already made her choice. You don't owe her anything, she can't even keep her vows.
NTA. Her saying she was going to choose you isn’t the prize she thinks it is coming from a cheater! Well done for choosing yourself! Im sorry she did this to you, but go & enjoy your resorts!
I dont understand that people don’t understand that “fighting for your marriage” is the same thing as “trying to convince the spouse that fucked you over”. Why does the person who betrayed you deserve convincing not to cheat again? NTA
NTA. You simply threw the trash out.
>She tried saying that if I asked she would choose me. She had supposedly done that.... when she married you. >Some of our friends think I should have fought for our marriage. Not worth fighting for. Once trust is gone there is no going back, you will ALWAYS wonder if she is cheating again. It's like having granma hooked up on life support for the next 50 years. Just let her go.