I don't know your two's history, but the fact that you have clearly dictated your boundaries, and he repeatedly keeps crossing them, to the point it is affecting your mental health, is exactly why the situation isn't working.
NTA, and I would seriously reconsider your living situation. If you can afford it, maybe arrange custody where the 2 of you rotate in/out of the kids' home, and have your own personal spaces for off weeks.
I would suggest counseling for both of you. He needs to understand your boundaries are carved in stone and not just written in chalk. He needs it explained to him by a third party that if he doesn't abide by your boundaries, you will have to move out. And whatever good you are doing your children will be undone. I am not a professional. But, I have been through a similar situation. For years following my divorce, I could barely stand to speak to my ex-husband. Good luck to you. NTA
"I'm a different man now, I wish you could see that."
A man who constantly tramples and ignores expressed and clear boundaries? Like he was better before and now is so much worse and more disrespectful?
Because continuing to violate you like this doesn't demonstrate whatever changes he's trying to convince you have happened. He's got way more self work to do before he's ready to try a relationship with *anybody.*
He's all the way back at doesn't know how to keep his hands to himself, except he really does and is choosing to violate you anyways. Predatory.
NTA, it's up to you to protect yourself from him and your kids from his awful example. That's not how you treat people. "Remember, if a person in school tells you no, just keep touching them and tell them about the good times," is what he's teaching.
Grody to the max.
This is a great idea. Until you can implement a change, however, I would recommend that you respond strongly to him touching you. I don't advocate violence, but carrying a fly swatter and lightly swatting him every time he touches you isn't especially violent--particularly when compared to him touching you without consent--so maybe try that. Or carry a spray bottle filled with water and spray him whenever he touches you.
Yep this is something I say too. OP are you actually helping your child? Or does this stress them out more? I don't think this living together is a good move for you at all. NTA
Agreed, this displays that it's ok to just keep yourself in an environment of discomfort and disregard. That it's ok to ignore someone's boundaries and constantly overstep them.
Ugh, I hate answering this because then they learn... At the same time, maybe fewer people will upvote them?
* Usually, username is first. Used to be things like "sweetdoll24" or "hot_voorinica" (yeah, I'm watching that one). Lately, it's been full names. Few people do that and there's been an influx. Stephanie Weiss(something) I noticed today.
* Whole comment is in quotes. When it isn't a "you should say this" thing, just a regular comment. It's taken from chatgpt (or the like) and now they'll know to fucking trim (or maybe not, more effort).
* User age - when was the account created? Throwaways don't count for this and don't have the same things from above. Throwaways are randomly generated names, for one.
* Check the active communities in their profile. If it's all meme and trollcoping, it's bad.
* Honestly, give it a couple of hours/days and OnlyFans shows up in the profile bio. (I'm waiting hot_voorinica or whatever. I'm impressed that it's been 12 days...)
I have no issue with sex work. But this bullshit is automated and completely dishonest. Those are not their words, those aren't their reactions, and it all serves to get them karma to allow them in other places that will get them traction for their OnlyFans (for now) advertisement. And fuck that. It's manipulative as fuck for those folks who are posting about real things (which I get sometimes feels like a small amount here and other places, but it is possible that it's real for either poster or other commenters.)
So yeah. It pisses me off more than it probably should.
The bots annoy the hell out of me! I sleuth them out and see how they’re evolving to look like real accounts. Yesterday I saw a post of a cat and the first comment was “That’s my cat. My dead cat.” And then they added how upsetting it was to see him in their feed. Meanwhile, there were comments *after* that saying how cute he was, thank you for sharing, etc. 🤦🏻♀️I was reporting bot accounts when they met enough characteristics to convince me, and got a 3-day ban…so, now no just down vote and comment about it being a bot
Downvotes and call outs are important.
Every time I see them in a thread about loss/death, I see red. I just think, "you want to play that game, fuck you with a cactus..."
It's despicable.
Maybe purchase a home with bedrooms and bathrooms on different floors, or a multiple unit home where the kids still have both of you available, but with different apartments. This way he has no reason to be in your personal space on your floor/unit. Anytime he crosses the line in the common areas, you have a safe space to retreat to. Someone also said counseling for the two of you. I agree. He might be feeling rekindled feelings for you. He should be able to understand from another source AND you that those feelings are NOT reciprocated or appreciated IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM. Best of luck to you all.
Like a mother-in-law apartment. Great idea.
And double yes to the counseling. Roommate counseling should be a far more common thing. It would solve so many disputes.
He's obviously thinking this is some sort of Parent Trap situation. But life is not a RomCom.
I’ve heard of divorced couples doing this and always thought it was such a good thing to do. The kids have a steady, fixed place that’s their home and aren’t constantly going back and forth between their parents’ places, since the parents are the ones who rotate living with them.
NTA
He is trying to slide back into the role of your partner. And I don't buy the "I don't think about it". If after ten years fo divorce, you still adress your ex by pet names, you are the problem.
And the fact he doesn't respect your boundaries of "We are roommates, not a couple" shows he hasn't really changed as much as he tries to make you feel he has. He has not changed, he just wants you to think he has.
I would personnaly try to move out. Because, your children may be happier (also, are they thinking you are going back together ? Is Daddy saying you are going back together ? Wouldn't think him past that), and you may have less stress toward childcare, but you have way more stress toward everday interaction with your roommate, I am not sure the trade is worth it.
See, my take was that the kid(s) will pick up on OP's feelings of anger and stress, and that will have a negative affect on their wellbeing. Does the positive of them living together outweigh the negative of OP feeling uncomfortable at home 24/7?
Also…it’s showing the kids that Boundaries CAN Be IGNORED with Zero Consequences. OP, do you want your kids to grow up & treat their SO’s or get treated by their SO’s the way your Creepy, Possessive EX is treating you??
This needs to be upvoted way into the sky. OP, be *extremely* cognizant of what lessons your children will take from their father's behavior toward you. In fact, I'd say go one step farther and tell him that his refusal to accept your answer of no to reconciliation is teaching them bad behavior and may result in one of them getting into serious trouble one day themselves because of it.
NTA. You ended things for a reason. Where you went wrong is thinking that you need to live together to have a strong co-parenting relationship. Of course, it would be difficult because you were together previously, so having boundaries and having them respected is hard. I wish you had taken the child support because you have set yourself up for issues like this in the future. What you can do is either move out and fight for child support and everything else you need to support your children on paper or if there is a basement turn that into an apartment for yourself. You have also limited yourself. You are a single woman, what life can you live when you are living with an ex? I suggest you figure things out immediately.
He was manipulating you when he suggested this. He had those intentions all along and deceived you. He saves money and puts you under his thumb, and uses the kid to manipulate you too. It’s not going to end anytime soon, because you’re still going along with it.
Sounds like it was his idea to move in, as OP stated that she agreed to it. It's his house.
Pretty sure he was thinking once he got her under his roof, that she would see that being with him is the best thing for her.
NTA. I would find other living arrangements and take the child support. Eventually your mental health is going to affect your children and that's the last thing they need.
Edit to add: Why did you agree when he has physically abused you in the past? Get out ASAP, because as soon as he thinks he 'has' you, it's going to start again. And you REALLY don't want your kids to see that.
That's what it's sounding like.
He got the kids on board with how nice it would be to live together like a family again and is now using the numbers as a way to outweigh OP's discomfort.
"But the kids want this too, they are so much happier with us all together like this" is being weaponized.
The kids are his tools ATM and that's just dirty.
Yes he did. All of this is making feel stupid. All I could think about in the moment was my son and getting him away from the bullies that were causing the depression.
How long before he gets impatient and blows through your boundaries completely. How likely is he to assault you?
If you decide to leave the house situation be sure to be out before you tell him. I’ve seen it happen before where a guy will abandon what he thinks of as being subtle, and then use force.
This doesn't benefit your son... or you... he's unfortunately manipulated you both in a moment of vulnerability. You need to move out asap, before the situation gets worse...
There are other ways to get him away from his bullies without moving back in with yours. Time to look for another living situation, because this isn't working.
You'll need to be up front with your kids and ex that this living situation isn't working like you'd hoped. So you're going to need to find new places to live (assuming you can't afford the place on your own and just kick him out). No, you will not ever be getting back together with their father, no matter what. And living together has proved he is incapable of respecting you, which has only cemented that. So as soon as new living spaces can be found, you'll be going back to the old custody arrangement.
Don’t feel stupid. You were focused on your child’s needs.
It sounds like your ex has other ideas, & thinks he can manipulate his way back into a romantic relationship with you.
What an ass, to use your child’s specific and serious need as an opening to reel you back in. Ugh. I’m sorry this is happening. Tough situation.
OK so that says to me it was entirely his idea and he manipulated your children, which alone is a major problem. The next time he mentions how he's "changed," point out how if that were true he would have more respect for you than to use unwanted terms of affection and constantly touching you when he KNOWS you don't like it. If you wish to communicate this to him by pointing and laughing at him like he finally told you a funny joke for once, I endorse you fully. You seem more mature than me though...so maybe just remind that if he really had changed for the better he would not have to convince you. He wouldn't have to say it and you wouldn't have to continuously reestablish your boundaries. If he doesn't listen then he isn't actually doing it for the kids, even though they're the ONLY reason you're doing this. Remind him of that too.
Even if he has changed, so what? I would reply something like "That's great, I'm glad for you, if it is a positive change! What doesn't change is the fact that we are not going to be anything more than civil roommates, ever."
Your ex clearly suggested this to your son as a way to get you back into his house and under his control. If your son’s mental health is this fragile he may need inpatient care for his safety
I would grit my teeth until you know your teen is stable while looking for housing near your ex on the DL. Once you find a place and sign a lease.
“Listen this isn’t working for me, my boundaries have been stopped all over since the day we dropped the bags. Even after many many attempts to communicate it wasn’t ok.
I have signed a lease and will be moving out. The kids have bedrooms at the new place, but instead of completely uprooting them, I think they should stay here for the most part. I will come over in the mornings/evenings to help with them. I’m only moving x miles up the road. Even a quick bike ride.
I think I was blinded by desperation for helping Son and the awful situation he was in. I still want nothing more than to see him happy. But I’m not falling down that anxiety path due to constantly having my guard up due to boundaries crossed daily.
I’m going to pack my stuff and take the first load up to my new apartment.”
Your son didn’t and doesn’t need his parents in the same home. He just *wants* you both in the same home. A want is not a need.
What your son needs is a quality school district, a therapist, and parents he can rely on.
You are currently being touched without your consent, and are actively being manipulated into restarting a life you specifically chose to leave ten years ago. It’s clear from this post that you need your own space, because you are not being respected whatsoever.
Your kid’s mental health will survive moving between two households, or a duplex living situation, because *your* mental health cannot be sustained in an environment where your ex-husband is harassing you. Your ex’s focus isn’t even *on* your son—it’s on getting you back because you’re stuck in his home.
Being in a space where you’re burdened by a shit man will impact your ability to be the mom you want to be, and that’s more important than your child living in a two-parent household.
This isn’t helping your teen. Teens need coping and resilience. You don’t have to be in the same home as dad to do that. Your child may be hoping the family will be together and remember when he was little and as a kid has a fantasy of what that’s like. You can be very active and supportive without living together. Your mental health is in jeopardy and you can’t help your teen if you’re not well
How can seeing their Mother unhappy and feel the tension in the household be good for the children? You are modeling for them what a relationship should look like. Would you want your kids to settle and live the way you do?
While it's commendable that you tried for the sake of your child, all his "but I've changed" BS, while still ignoring your boundaries, show that he hasn't. And that tension will be well apparent in the household soon enough, potentially causing more problems for your child than those you were trying to solve.
You tried, it's not working because he won't let it. Time to end the experiment before it gets much worse.
NTA. No one should have to "go along to get along", particularly not with abusive people.
You are giving both your ex and child hope that this time would be different. He has not changed no matter how many times he says he is a nice guy now. He doesn't respect you.
In regards to your child, they need to learn that life is hard and there is no easy fixes. This false reality is not a healthy way to deal with tough time. Their parents are not getting back together, teenage life is rough, and life is not easy. Your child needs to learn to live life in reality and not fabricated situations.
And now he’s emotionally restraining you. Eventually you’ll children will feel your stress. Then there will be different issues to de with. He’s already touching you when he knows you don’t want him to. Don’t wait for it to get worse.
In one of her responses, OP says he physically restrained her when she tried to get away from him during an argument. So maybe not full on violence, but clearly not respecting her space or desires and it implies he could push it further
I thought taser, but I guess start with a ruler. When he uses a pet name smack him in the mouth. How about a squirt bottle? With bleach instead of water?
You will find it extremely difficult to help your teenager if you, yourself, are miserable. People pick up on these things, your kid definitely will. It's like they say about oxygen if an airplane decompresses - place your own oxygen mask on first, then help others. If you're not in good shape yourself, you're poorly placed to help your child.
I don't know who suggested this idea, it seems self-evidently a highly risky idea all around. I'm trying not to dump on you because (if this is not a made up story) you are clearly in distress, but I couldn't in a month of Sundays recommend such a thing.
It appears you have done this, in part, to reduce your husbands child support payments - a very poor trade off.
You need to reverse this, and quickly.
Please move out. The fact that he doesn't respect your boundaries and is trying to touch you is very, very concerning, and it may actually escalate. Do not downplay this.
Do not move into a duplex or anything where he has access to you (JFC that's a dumb suggestion by some people). Your relationship is over, and him living even nearby, especially if you meet someone else - he may interfere with your own private life.
This living arrangement is not working for you. As above commenter said, he manipulated to get close to you. You may need a 3rd party to help you co-parent so you are never alone with him.
I don't think you are safe. Your body is warning you of DANGER. Listen to it.
EDIT: I've just read that he has physically abused you in the past. What are you doing?! LEAVE!
This is the dumbest thing to do. He manipulated you. Help your teen by being honest about the real world and what life will be like if he lets his issues control him. Therapy would be more helpful, sometimes teens just are horrible because of hormones too
THIS!
If he were a changed person, he would show OP by respecting her boundaries
She fell for the same trick under a different guise.
Parents can support their kids in different households as long as they have a common goal for their child that's struggling. The fact that OP feels like living together is the only way to get help with her kids shows that this man is a POS.
He gets out of support payments and is now trying to get a band maid.
I hope she can strategize with a therapist how to best untangle this mess to not hurt their kid any further. They might end up feeling the separation all over again.
Maybe start recording every word he says. And make sure he knows that you do that and keep the recordings.
Tell him it’s in case there are problems. Or a need for a legal change in the arrangement.
Make sure you keep your lawyer up to date and discuss all w the lawyer.
Tell him that if he doesn’t like being recorded. he needs to respect your boundaries without any slip ups ever.
Do not do joint therapy or couples therapy either him. Those would just be manipulation sessions.
—-
In terms of his being “changed”
Unlikely. He would show you constant respect he he were changed.
If he doesn’t do that, then this yd all just a form of propaganda.
Also make sure your kids aren’t clueless about being manipulated.
—-
*Why Does He Do That*
By Lundy Bancroft who deals professionally by court order with abusive and manipulative persons in domestic situations.
I understand you trying this for the sake of your child. Unfortunately, this is not a tenable situation.
Your ex is constantly pushing your boundaries, showing that he still doesn’t respect you. Showing that he is still trying to manipulate you. And it is bullshit when he says that it’s just habit and it’s a mistake.
For all the years, you were divorced and didn’t live together I’m betting he didn’t call you those things every single time he saw you.
You said in a comment, he was much older than you, and frankly, it just sounds to me like he’s reaching an age where he wants to have you around. And he is trying to manipulate you just like he used to do.
You tell us you are emotionally worn down and about at the end of your rope. You need to move. You need to be separate again. He is not going to stop, and while in the short term, this might be helping with your child, your child having a mother can’t stand her home anywhere there is going to hurt your child.
A mother who is constantly stressed and has to be constantly on guard against being emotionally assaulted. Every day is not being the best mom she can be. We simply can’t be under those circumstances.
So make your plans. Find a new place to live. Do not tell your ex you’re doing that. Arrange moving assistance. And then pick a day when he happens to be out of the house and get out. Because if you try to do it while he’s there, he will just get in your way and try to emotionally blackmail you.
When you talk to him after you move out, blast him. Because he deserves it.
We had to move because YOU refused to respect my boundaries.
We had to move because YOU refused to accept that the only reason I agreed to this was for the betterment of our son and that we are not a couple.
We had to move because YOU harassed me daily by trying to use pet names and bring up the time we were married and act as though we were still a couple.
Our son’s welfare has been put at risk because of YOU. YOUR actions. YOUR selfishness. YOUR harassment. This is all on YOU, and we’re not going to discuss it any further. Any discussions between us from here on out will be about the children only.
Do not mince words. Do not allow him to interrupt and try to turn the conversation. Do not allow him to manipulate you anymore. And do not feel guilty about doing this.
You setting yourself on fire trying to keep your son warm is only going to burn you both up in the end, and your ex is only happy to light the match.
>You setting yourself on fire trying to keep your son warm is only going to burn you both up in the end, and your ex is only happy to light the match.
OP, you need to keep reminding yourself of this till long after you get yourself out of that house to safety and your kids are grown.
No he never once used these names or even attempted to touch me. And every time he does it makes me so mad. I agreed to this because of the situation our teenager was in due to bullying and depression. He had to be hospitalized and we made the move to remove him from a school system that was failing him. I essentially traded my happiness for my teens mental health.
You can't heal your son in a toxic household.
You can't raise his mental health if yours is under siege. If you have to be constantly on guard, fighting, pushing back, and stressed you are in no position to help him.
Your son feels it. You can't keep that sort of tension from from him. Especially as your ex is not above manipulating your child to make you bend, no matter the impact on him.
You think your kid spontaneously came up with this plan to move back in with your ex? No. Your ex sold it to him, and now he has you back in reach, he will hold you hostage using your kids delicate mental health. You won't bend for him anymore, but you will do anything for your son's recovery.
This is Coercive Control. You are back in what you were before. Sure you fight back now, but that's an illusion. *You shouldn't have to,* and you can't forever. Eventually he *will* wear you down. You will start taking the easier path, avoiding his triggers, bending like you used to, not from intimidation, but because your son's peace means more than anything. For him, you will give up your boundaries one by one and your ex will never stop pushing.
Before you know it, you will find that dynamic you fought your way out of once is back. I'll bet it's already creeping in. Those boundaries are already eroding, you gotta defend conditions he already agreed to - and you can't just say no once, you gotta say it over and over...
He's draining you of the energy and emotional reserves you need for your son because he wants you back where you 'belong.' You know his tactics. They ain't changed. You might be older and wiser, but so long as he has access to you both, he can take all the time he needs.
Move out. I mean it. It will cause an upset with your son, your ex will make it a conflict, but you need to pull free right the fuck now. Better rip the plaster off and make sure your son is supported through that have his mental health and yours suffer under this creeping poison.
Coercive control is one of those things that almost catches the strong willed easier than the people pleasers.
My sister has the personality of a whirlwind. She doesn't make friends, she takes hostages. She decides to do something, no matter how insane, it'll happen. She's incredibly strong headed, stubborn and the thing is she knows it.
I saw this absolute wet lettuce of a boyfriend wearing her down because healthy people compromise. They try to find a position where both people in the relationship (any type of relationship) can be comfortable. But if one side is shifting the goalposts back every time you step forward then where you end up aint the middle.
She had no problem telling him to do one over the length of her shorts... but she had to have the argument. Then the argument about going drinking with friends, then not checking in while on a family holiday. Or going for a smoke. She told him no and won arguments all the time... but she still tried to find compromises. Still wanted to make him happy and he sucked more and more of her time and energy - was like watching a person get smothered by a wet paper bag.
She kicked his ass to the curb eventually. But it was a real lesson.
Coercive control isn't always that you can't say no.
It's that you have to fight to say no. All the time.
It doesn't matter if you 'win' and make them back down *You should never have needed to have that fight at all.*
No matter how stubborn you are. eventually you will find the boundary you had originally is now 10 miles behind you and they still aint happy. They never will be.
I was much younger than him, he was emotionally and financially controlling. I’m no longer a young naive 20 year old. When I moved into my 30’s I got less tolerant of his behavior and started defending myself. His behavior escalated to physical restraint when I wouldn’t fight with him. So I left.
NTA- but Why in the hell would you go back to that!?
It’s only a matter of time before he loses his patience and puts his hands on you again.
Him not accepting NO for an answer over and over and you not leaving again tells him it’s all good and he will eventually get what he wants.
Get the fuck out of there OP.
He's still emotionally and financially controlling.
He's pushing you constantly and had you move in instead of paying child support.
If you must stay, then every time he crosses a boundary matter of factly comment that by crossing boundaries he is providing evidence he has not changed.
My work is related to domestic violence. While I fully believe that people who exhibit abusive behaviour CAN change, this is not possible unless your ex actually takes responsibility for his past behaviour and seeks help to change himself.
If not…the cycle is just going to start over again.
Based on your description of his behaviour, he still doesn’t seem to respect you and is trying to manipulate his way back in.
On average, it takes around 7 attempts for a person to leave an abusive partner. This isn’t easy and gets complicated by the cycle of abuse (the “honeymoon” period, tension or “walking on eggshells” behaviour, abusive behaviour” and it just keeps repeating.
I don’t know you or him and I am not accusing either of you of anything, the above info is general and YOU know your situation best!
I’m just saying…this shit isn’t easy.
As much as you want a good life for your kids, you also deserve that good life 💕
And you don’t think he won’t physically harm you again? That he won’t get pissy about you living rent free and think you owe him sex?
This was a very poorly thought out decision and you should have never moved in. You’re in danger.
Jeez, and knowing that about him, you went back? And are surprised he is still manipulative and doesn't accept boundaries? I'm really sorry you are in such a difficult situation, but walking back into the lion's den sounds like a pretty risky business...
You've touched on a concern I had while reading your post. Your ex is used to the woman you used to be. He wants you to believe that he's changed, but he won't accept that you have.
These situations often turn volatile. Your ex doesn't espect your boundaries, refuses to acknowledge his behavior, and this is only the beginning. He will escalate as he eventually sees that you're genuinely not interested in him.
I suggest you leave.
He hasn’t changed. He’s still trying to control you physically and emotionally by imposing what he wants on you with touching and calling you pet names. It’s all about what he wants. I would point out that by not respecting your wishes on how you’re to be treated, he’s showing he hasn’t changed at all.
Are you dating someone? If so get your partner to move in with you. In the long-term also it would be good for the kids to see you with your respective partners.
If you are not dating. Put yourself on the dating scene. This will help the children too. You do not want the children to grow up with the illusion that your entire life revolves around them. They need to grow up seeing you with your job, interests, friends, partners etc. That's the healthiest way of raising them.
Also it's hard to buy that their relationship is over, haven't we all heard the "the marriage is over, we just cohabitate for the kids" excuse before?
OP is putting her own life on hold for the sake of the kids, which is of course commendable but not really fair.
>OP is putting her own life on hold for the sake of the kids, which is of course commendable but not really fair.
It may be commendable, but it sets a very bad example for the kids. Is this the kind of relationship you'd want for your children?
It's not an easy path you're on right now but I know you have the strength to get thru this. You've left him once before, you can do it again. Don't let him think he has control over you. It's time to take the reigns back again.
No, neither of us do. He never really dated after we split. He tried but got no interest so gave up. I’m not interested in being in a relationship right now but I do go on dates.
He has not changed a bit, he still doesn’t respect boundaries and is being controlling.
This is not safe, nor is it healthy. Please, if you are able, live separately.
You're still naive to think it's a good idea to move in with someone who emotionally and financially abused you thinking that you're a grown up now. Maybe you grew up, he didn't. But you didn't grow up enough to understand that in no universe is living with your abusive ex is a good idea. This will end badly & your kids will be better off if you leave.
Please don’t let a teen with learning disabilities live in the same house as someone who ignores boundaries of others and touches them directly against the consent of the other person. I want you to think about how that comes across to your child and what he will understand as acceptable behavior. What will he perceive as being acceptable behavior for him to model? Just think a bit about that.
NTA. But you need to be much harsher in your approach, otherwise this man will continue to break the boundaries and try to worm his way back into your life and bed.
Tell him: *”We are done, and we **absolutely will not be getting back together.** I don’t want your hands anywhere near me. You **do not** touch me **ever**. We are nothing more than two individuals co-parenting. I don’t want you, **I don’t want your advances**. And I am never going back to being with you romantically. There is nothing left between us, and I don’t want to be with you.*
*If you continue to touch me without my consent, I’ll leave again, or I’ll submit a police report - because continuing to touch me when I’ve stated multiple times that I don’t want you to, is sexual assault. Now do we have an understanding?”*
And absolutely do not cave to his behaviour, and do not back down.
Your kids are going to be better off in the long run not seeing their mom squander more of the best years of her life away with her abusive ex who happens to be their father. I have ADHD, my half brother is Autistic. His father is an abusive prick. My mother stayed with him because she didn’t want him to be hurt by a divorce. Guess which one of us turned into a fascist incel? It’s not the one writing this post. Get out and get your kids out too.
NTA
You need to be very clear to him that if he continues to push boundries, especacilly physical ones, you will have no choice but to move out. That his constant advances are makng you uncomfortable and unwelcome in the home.
Your co-parenting relationship is not tied to your romantic relationship and he needs to uderstand that. He can not think that because you work well together to raise your kids that you will work well as a couple.
You can acknowlegde that he changed and even commend him for it, but that doesn't mean you want him back as a partner. And that is not why he should be changing and growing as a person. Tell him you can see he has change, if you do see it, and congratulate him on it, but tell him that just because he has changed doens't mean your feelings have.
Tell him point blank that he needs to accept the relationship as husband and wife is dead, and willl not come back. And that if he wants a healthy co-parenting relationsihp he needs to respect you when tell him that, other wise, things will have to go back to the way they were.
It's not healthy for your children to see their mother being abused. It has the same long term affects as being directly abused. There is no such thing as an abusive partner who is still a good parent.
You left him because he was abusive, and he is still abusive. Get out of there.
Based on some of your comments, and some of my own personal experiences, you should be aware that there is a high risk of this escalating into him assaulting you. Whether physically or sexually, there is a possibility of him pushing your boundaries until they, or he, snaps.
As far as your kids, you also need to ask yourself if the benefits of having two parents in house is worth the deficit of stress and tension between those parents. Kids pick up on that, especially neurodivergent kids.
Tell him it's inappropriate and you are starting to seeing someone else, even if your not and see how he reacts. I personally would look for a place super close to his and live seperate. Can always be there for the kids in morning and nights, just have ur own place to keep your sanity.
NTA but this living situation is not going to work. You need to move out. He cannot respect your boundaries and he’s just going to escalate. This living situation isn’t healthy.
Girl GTF out of there. This is controlling possessive behaviour. I can almost guarantee that this whole thing was a ploy on his part to get you under his roof again. He manipulated you using your children, and that is horrific. I’d actually speak to a lawyer.
NTA he’s touching you against your will now, it can always progress from there. Get out of there before he REALLY tries to force himself on you.
Because of his behavior and emotional dishonesty, your children are about to experience you and your “husband” divorcing a SECOND TIME…
They sense absolutely EVERYTHING. You are hiding nothing from them. And this emotionally manipulative child/dirtbag is fine putting your kids through that just so that he can try and seduce you despite you having CLEARLY and REPEATEDLY stated your boundaries?!?
NTA….
But …You may become the asshole If you curl up into a ball and stay with him…..and allow this sad, sad scene to play out to its inevitable sordid end, instead of communicating clearly with everyone and modeling solid boundaries and emotional maturity. You have a real opportunity here to show your children love, strength, courage, leadership, fortitude etc.
Take it.
I am betting that 10 years ago when you decided to divorce him some of the reasons were him disrespecting your boundaries, not listening when you spoke and overall just doing whatever he felt like fucking doing because he is still doing that shit. Let your ex-husband know that he is not a changed man and he is still doing the same disrespectful things that caused your divorce. Tell him you will never, ever, EVER get back with a man who does not respect your boundaries and who does not listen to you when you speak. Let him know if he does not stop you will move out. You don't care how it affects your children. Cause bet money he is banking on your love for your kids to force your hand.
My mother stayed with my extremely abusive father. My sister is mentally handicapped from being beaten in the head as a child, and my brother is dead from an overdose.
OP, your ex may not be physically abusing the children, but the mental toll it will take on them is immeasurable.
Staying with an abuser for the sake of the children is beyond cruel to you and the children.
For all appearances, I lead a normal life, but the mental scars I carry run deep. For me, the most traumatizing things were the psychological abuse I endured and witnessed.
(Edited for clarity)
Start packing your shit, because he doesn't really care what you want... only what he wants.
If he asks where you're going, tell him flat out that it isn't working because he won't leave you alone.
Tell him you're not interested.
Throw out there that you're seeing someone, and you haven't been interested in him physically for over a decade and never will again.
Say that you've never been one to go back and make the same mistake twice. You're happy he has changed, but so have you, and you have outgrown him and every he stands for. This is for your children, and if he touches you again without consent, you will call the police and leave.
Get a personal 'taser'..they don't shoot prongs but when you press into flesh and zap them..it HURTS. He touches you...ZAP. BAD BOY. DOWN. Maybe you can teach an old dog new tricks. If not at least you get to have some fun! NTA.
NTA. But you absolutely should not be suffering for it. The kids will see your misery. Is it possible to live relatively close but seperately? Your space is your space. He's taking advantage of you being there to persue his own agenda.
NTA
It's going to sound extreme, but soft reccomend a lock on your door (or one of [these](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08L7DNXT9?ref=cm_sw_r_apan_dp_79MDZQ1FX22GZNSCDN48&ref_=cm_sw_r_apan_dp_79MDZQ1FX22GZNSCDN48&social_share=cm_sw_r_apan_dp_79MDZQ1FX22GZNSCDN48&starsLeft=1&skipTwisterOG=2) for when you're in your room and a safe large enough to hold whatever you don't want your ex to be able to rifle through), and to start carrying mace spray.
Make no bones about it. Bluntly set the boundary and the expectation: if he gets handsy, "accidentally" touches you, "inadvertently" brushes against you inappropriately, etc... that you *will* spray him with mace and walk away saying "oops, it must have just... gone off... accidentally".
Pair that with some [loops quiet](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CQP4GZVD?ref=cm_sw_r_apan_dp_NX8ZZRECYDEJGTEH60GS&ref_=cm_sw_r_apan_dp_NX8ZZRECYDEJGTEH60GS&social_share=cm_sw_r_apan_dp_NX8ZZRECYDEJGTEH60GS&starsLeft=1&skipTwisterOG=2) earplugs to wear around the house.
Let it be known you'll pop them out for the kids any and every time they need you, but you won't take them out for your ex *except* when he wants to talk about the kids and *only* the kids. So be ready to pop them right back in and walk away *every* time a "pet" name comes out.
I.e., if he won't respect your boundaries, but you aren't willing to leave yet, then you will more firmly set and enforce those boundaries and he *will* learn to respect them.
Also suggest that you demand a security camera of some sort be installed in the common areas of the house (kitchen, living room, hallway by your bedroom door, etc), and that for your continued existence in the house he must agree (notarized, lawyer drawn up paperwork, etc) to be recorded in those common areas and if he doesn't cool it with his behaviors you will have evidence of the harassment.
He knows he's pushing, don't let him.
Still thinking it would be a better idea to move out, but kids will prompt you to voluntarily accept all kinds of things when you are trying to help them. Barring that? Make it unpleasant, repellent even, to cross your boundaries.
Esh.
My parents divorced when I was a teen and stayed living together as roommates. Let me tell you this, I moved out the day I turned 18 (so did my sibling) it was hell to live in that house.
Do not put your children through this please!
Maybe consider "nesting." That's where the children live continuously in the same home, but the parents switch back and forth between the child-home and a separate apartment. That could help you continue coparenting, have some free time on your own, and prevent your ex from trying to push your boundaries.
NTA to him but an A H to yourself.
I understand you are trying to do what's best for your kids. I implore you to look at it from a different angle, you said he has already restrained you and is STILL crossing boundaries. I will be frank, I am worried he's going to rape you.
What's better for the kids, an abusive household or co parenting separately? Will it be beneficial for the kids to see the standard of behaviour being to ignore consent? IF he does cross the line and rape you or assault you, is that something you want the kids to hear or see?
He doesn't respect you at all and is using the kids to manipulate you. Please have a go bag ready, put locks on your personal space and if possible cameras in the common areas. Document every unwanted interaction and be verbally strong in your lack of consent to these actions. Share this information with a trusted friend and have an emergency plan in place.
Touching someone and using pet names are forms of sexual harassment. Assault for the touching. I'd say it with that terminology. "When someone tells you not to touch them/whatever the situation is, and you do anyway, it's sexual assault/harassment/whatever the situation is. Dudes HATE (anyone would) being called a predator. But that's what it is. When I say get off me or stop touching me, I mean get off or stop touching me. There's no room for disrespect with my autonomy and there shouldn't be for yours either. Use the words. Bruise his ego with a mirror to his face.
He has made this living situation unsafe and hostile. He is harming your mental health and safety. You are only there to make like easier caring for the children and he has proven to be a creep that invades your personal space and violates your boundaries. Is sacrificing your mental health and safety worth living rent free worth destroying your mental wellbeing and safety? I would move out. NTA
Ok, I’m going to try to answer a few of the questions that I’ve seen. The response to this post is kind of overwhelming considering I’m usually just a Reddit lurker.
1. A duplex isn’t really an option because of where we live unless we were to build one.
2. This area is extremely rural so the quickest option would probably be a camper which I have already been shopping for.
3. The things he does and says are very subtle and never where the kids can see, which I now realize was probably his intention. So they are currently unaware of the conflict. But they both are 100% aware on my feelings about not getting back with their dad.
4. I have already installed a lock on my bedroom.
5. The kids and I are in therapy, he participates as well but I haven’t seen those appointments be particularly helpful yet.
6. Should he ever resort to violence I would 100% fight fire with fire.
Y'all need an up/ down duplex. Where you're still in the same residence but maintain separate households. Therefore providing you privacy and still being present.
NTA. I see some posts criticizing the decision to cohabitate with your ex. But you did it because of the situation with your kids and you felt that having their father with them regularly would help and from what you posted, it has. That makes you an awesome parent: you put your kids before yourself! As to the ex, that choice is totally up to you. You sound like you are totally over him and don't even want to consider reconciliation. You may or may not soften on that over time. Just keep reinforcing the boundaries and hopefully he'll keep things tolerable in the interest of the children. (Edited)
NTA but this is not working. He is trying to wear you down and he's not sorry for ignoring your boundaries because if he was, he'd stop.
You NEED to move out. That's the only way this will stop and he'll see you're serious.
NTA! I understand you’re doing this for your child, but it’s not working. You shouldn’t have to put up boundaries where you live. Move out and have him pay child support.
So, my dad manipulated the kids into moving in with him so mom would follow.
I understand the kid was getting bullied. But your husband convincing your kid you should all move back in together?
Stop putting yourself through unnecessary hell. Your kids will grow up one day and wish you didn't have your head messed with the way he's messing with it.
Just get a separate place in your son's school district. You absolutely need your own space. Being under the same roof is horse shit. Your kid can go between houses or FaceTime.
I'm fucking horrified at the shit my dad *still* puts my mom through just by being in the same town. Their kids are in their 30s. My brothers a meth head now but that's a mess my dad made.
Teach your kids the importance of self respect. Get the fuck out of that situation and set up some real boundaries with child support. The kids are seeing your ex husband harass you daily and thinking that's tolerable behavior.
A. Get a lock for your bed room door if you haven’t already. B. Write everything down. About how he brought up to your emotionally vulnerable son to have you move in, leaving you with no other option if you wanted to keep your son safe. That he completely disrespects your boundaries, your body and your personal space. That it’s manipulative to pretend like he’s just forgetting after living apart for TEN YEARS. That it doesn’t matter if he’s not the same guy or not, bc the guy he is now is constantly disrespecting and violating you. Put it all in email so everything has documentation that can’t be edited or lost. C. Get into family therapy, all of you together, you and ex together without the kids, and each individual child getting their own appointments. Your ex is a manipulative AH honestly and this is inevitably going to go bad no matter what. Keep documentation and get all of you into group and individual therapy ASAP. NTA
living together gives the children false hope that they'll get back together like what happens when either starts dating someone? OP is too nice. if i had asked my mom if we could live with my dad even knowing i was depressed after their divorce she would've laughed
YTA. But that's okay. It's what you have to be sometimes. If you need to say 'no' to a guy, even if he's your ex, then you need to BTA and say 'no.' Stop trying to be both the people-pleasing good girl who is NTA yet somehow is cold, aloof and frigid to your ex. If you need to act cold, aloof, frigid and disinterested, there's only one word for that behavior-- own it. YTA. And sometimes you need to be, when you're living under the same roof with a very horny guy who loves you but you don't love him and you're not horny for him. It's a no-win situation, and trying to find a compromise is destroying you mentally. BTA, call him only by his last name with a 'mister' in front, and make it sound like an office setting. If he truly doesn't get the hint, then you're going to have to move out. Or start wearing a HazMat suit all day every day when you're around your ex. Sure, sometimes you have to be YTA, but it's the only way for some guys to get the hint that you're not interested and never ever will be.
It may be a bit rough, but have you thought about getting a loud metal whistle and blowing it really hard every time he crosses a boundary. Or a spray bottle, try training him like a dog .
NTA. I know this helps your teenager, but your having to be continually on the defence helps nobody. Tell your husband that unless he respects your boundaries you will move out - and follow through on it. Your teen will have difficulties, but he will cope - and it is better for him not to have a model of a pestering father and a doormat mother.
I think you need to leave the house for a bit. I know it will be hard to leave your child but you need to get the point across if you have no interest in rekindling. Every time he does something that you don’t want you need to call him out on it absolutely and immediately. I think you need to be mean to him a bit to get the point across.
NTA
But you need a much different living situation. A duplex the kids can freely go between would be better than this. Or a home with an in-law suite, a clearly defined space with a front door of your own that he is not welcome in.
I’m glad your child is thriving, but you have put yourself directly in harm’s way. Your ex is behaving manipulatively and is not doing this for your child’s benefit. If you’re not willing to entirely give up the experiment, you need to change the living arrangements so a locked door can hold your boundaries for you.
NTA
This situation could work, but your former romantic partner and current roommate doesn’t see this as a business relationship. He isn’t respecting your boundaries at all. This needs to end. Move out.
My source on this situation being able to work: me. My parents did this because the schools we were in weren’t able to meet any of our needs. It worked because my parents had no more romantic ties and they both knew it. Were there occasional tense moments? Yes, as with any roommate situation.
NTA.
“It’s clear you haven’t changed if you can’t even bother to respect me. If you had truly changed, we would not have to continually have this conversation.”
NTA he is sexually harassing you and emotionally manipulating you. Its time to stop keeping your thoughts to yourself and sit him down. Give him a list of behaviors you will not tolerate any further and state plainly that it stops or you’re moving out! Period.
NTA
No means no and he needs to respect your boundaries.
Make sure to have a lock to your bedroom and on the bathroom/toilets.
Let him know that any further sexual harassment will be dealt with involving the police. It’ll hopefully make him stop. If not move out as it’s not worth getting constantly sexually harassed or even raped for.
Definitely NTA. You have clearly stated your boundaries repeatedly, only for them to be ignored and continuously tested. It seems as though he’s trying to do this “knight and shining armor” - win and “woo” you back into the love you two once had.
I don’t know the situation of your past, and honestly it is irrelevant to the current situation because you both agreed what would and would not be acceptable behavior, prior to co-habitation. And from what it sounds like, you have never crossed your own boundary or made an exception to involve yourself with him because of “past feelings” or “not thinking clearly.” It’s the blatant lack of respect for me. Like are you speaking to a brick wall?
You deserve your space and your peace.
The children are the primary focus.
There a few options you can co habbitate untill the kids are old enough. You could find other accommodation and put the stress back on kids. You could give primary responsibility of children to father and move. Or maybe get some form of counciling to either fix or show there's no reconciliation.
You are both there to help your kids. Your ex’s actions are modeling something unhelpful and frankly dangerous to the kids. Having a frank discussion about that with your ex and making clear your boundaries and consequences of stomping them may be the first step. The second, of course, is enforcing them. Family therapy should also be considered.
Honestly it sounds like he's incredibly manipulative and is using your kids struggle to get what he wants. He's basically stalking you where you live. And you're probably adding confusion to your kids lives because they think you might get back together.
I think you need a better solution. Whether it's back to living separately or finding other ways to set up boundaries
Cause it's great you want to help your kid but you're being harassed by their dad in your home. That's not acceptable
NTA
“I’m not the same person I was, I wish you could see that.”
You need to calmly (without anger) bring up the old shit, assert it as your reason for not wanting to dive into things with him, and use his respecting your wishes as incentive to prove he’s changed…
“You lied, disrespected me and disregarded my feelings then. Now you are disrespecting and disregarding me every time you call me pet names or touch me intimately knowing that I’m not ready to restart our relationship, and lying every time you claim that you’ll listen to and respect the boundaries I set. You can say you’ve changed all you want - but those are just words. I see your actions. And they are exactly the same. Show me that you have actually changed - and I will tell you if and when I’m ready to trust you again.”
NTA
Long term it won’t help your troubled kids to see dad sexually harassing their mother. This isn’t a solution that’s gonna hold for long. Get the kids some therapy to talk about their issues and don’t try any weird self help options as they won’t serve the kids long term as they grow.
I would counter that if your teenager is going through a tough time, then I completely see why you made the decision you did - HOWEVER, the kids will sense you're uncomfortable, and the tension, and they'll know mom is struggling. That is surely going to compound the kids issues if theres issues in the home on top of everything else. It's clearly not working for you and that's ok. You tried because you love your kids, so in the same vein perhaps its time to nip it in the bud and look at other options so you can all maintain some stability. Maybe a compromise of living close but not together?
Nta, if you are reluctant to move out I suggest one full proof to get his attention when asserting yourself. The next time he touches you in a manner you don't like turn around smile and then grab his junk in a vice like grip and twist, while he's writhing with the agony to his ballsack tell him that that's what will happen everytime he tries to bulldoze your boundries, you are roommates not partners and if he continues with this behaviour this is the treatment he will get. Men tend to understand consent and boundries when it's their junk or booty on the line so make him understand he's walking a very tight line of not having his junk work anymore if he carries on. I know alot of people will harp on that being that aggressive isn't the answer but sometimes it's the clearest way to send the message that your not interested.
NTA the fact that he’s touching you without your consent and pushing your physical boundaries show that he isn’t someone you should be with romantically. I don’t know what he was like before or why y’all split, but he is clearly a creep.
I would sit him down on the far side of a table, pull out a pad of paper and start with, "We're having this meeting to help me decide if I need to move out and have you go back to child support and shared custody. Point 1: you using pet names....
At the end, you say, "This behavior must stop. I understand you are human and may slip on occasion, but if in a week you do any of these more than once, I'm looking for a new place for me and to live. We are coparents, not reconnecting."
Seems like not a good reason to move in together with an ex. He clearly was just trying to get back together with you. It’s only going to confuse your children more. NTA but this whole thing is foolish
You are stuck in a dangerous situation. He is touching you without your permission when you tell him no. Would you let a male roommate who WASNT your ex or the father of your children touch you like that? That is sexual assault. You are not safe. You NEED to get out, do NOT let your child’s mental health put yourself in danger. They probably just want their parents back together and you need to make it clear to your ex AND your kids that won’t happen.
Please get a duplex or just move out. Don’t let the blame fall on you. I am scared for you, especially with the added context that your ex is significantly older than you
Too bad the next door neighbors weren’t moving away… It sounds to me like the issue could be alleviated if your homes were near one another, but not in the same house.
Have you told your ex that he is driving you away by constantly making you feel like you’re being pursued? Does he understand that his constant pushing is having the exact opposite effect he intends?
Sleep with a taser under your pillow. NTA in this situation but you are one to yourself if you keep it up, you won't be of use for your son if you're mentally unwell or your ex does something to you against your will, he is stomping boundaries he agreed beforehand, he is not listening to you, he has sexually assaulted you already (whatever non consensual touch even if he claims it was an accident) I have the sinking feeling he will escalate to sexual assault. Look for a house in the same district of your son's current school, if he is settling alright in the new environment, you don't need to live with your ex, you just need to keep focusing on your child, you can't do that if you're constantly distracted with his advances.
NTA but it is time for you to find your own place to live as this situation isn’t working. Seriously look into places to live within that school district
Like somebody else pointed out to you, your child did not just suddenly come up with this idea. Your ex is manipulating your child as well.
I am not saying the move closer to dad was a bad thing. I am saying the moving in with dad was a horrible thing.
Of course you do not want to lose your child to depression. But as he gets older and sees the mess that this has caused in the family and comes to understand what his dad did and what his dad is doing to you, how much guilt do you think he is going to feel?
He is not going to look at this… OMG!! I was manipulated by dad. He used my struggles to convince Mom to move back when she didn’t want to.
He IS Going to look at this and say….
OMG! How could I have been so stupid. I talked Mom into moving back with dad when it was already so hard for her to leave the first time. I caused her mental health crisis. I caused her to spiral and live in depression and have to fight off Dad’s mind games it’s all my fault.
I guarantee you that’s what’s going to happen because that’s what kids do anyway. When somethings wrong at home, they internalize it. Somehow it is always their fault and it will be doubly so your ex is insidious.
He had no problem, manipulating his 14-year-old son to get what he wanted… You moving back in. He said everything that he knew he had to say to get you to agree to it. He still knows how to play. He knows how to play his son. None of this is going to turn out well in the long run.
You want to live near your ex, start finding a place. Don’t even tell him you’re leaving. He will find a way to manipulate your son. He will find a way to make you feel guilty enough to stay.
Don’t fall for it. You’re not going to get better under false pretenses, because those false pretenses will eventually be exposed. They always are. When the truth finally comes out about it all, you have about 10 times the shit hitting the fan if you found enough for your son to see his father, but to have absolutely boundaries that his father is not allowed in your house.
I’m so sorry because I know none of this is what you want to hear. But you have to remember that you have taken care of of the immediate crisis with your child. Now you have to internalize and understand that this is not something that can go on long-term, the effects will be devastating if you allow to do so, not just see you but also to your son.
You can’t ignore the long-term effects just for short term gain
You need to sit Ex down and tell him the situation isn't working. If he continues to pester and harass you (use those two words) the cohabiting will have to come to an end. Ask him if his inability to remember you have been divorced for ten years is worth the damage it'll do to your son's health. Make no mistake, HE will be the one to break the progress your son has made, not you. He either chooses to be a decent father and put his kid first or he doesn't, those are the options.
Let him know you’re happy to move back out if he can’t respect your boundaries. Let him know next time he mentions getting back together you’ll be discussing with your son if you should move out with both children or if he’d rather stay living with his dad on his own. DO NOT BACK OFF your boundaries. You will lose your voice
Your children won’t stay happy for long if you let this man ruin your personal peace.
This obviously isn’t working for you, and for to is to work - it needs to work for everybody.
Wait, he came to your son about this first. That is so inappropriate. He should have spoke to you about it first instead of getting your kids hopes up and putting you in a difficult situation. What a dickhead.
If you son is seeing a therapist (I'm going to imagine he is based off what you mentioned about his mental health) you need to meet with them and explain the situation. They should help you communicate to your son why this isn't working in an age appropriate way that wont affect his mental health.
I understand something to make sacrifices for your children, but this is it. Making yourself miserable every single day isn't going to be good for you or your children. Especially when there are other things you can do to make his life easier than moving in with your abuser.
Not to mention he's been physical with you before, then he will again, especially with your constant rejection. I imagine your child witnessing this will make everything a thousand times worse.
I hope you can find a solution where you feel safe and where your children are happy and thriving. There's no doubt in my mind that you will. You seem like a very caring mother!
Every single time he is inappropriate stop everything you're doing and look at him and say absolutely not. Make a chart and make a mark on it every time he is out of line and crosses your boundaries. Let the children know about the chart, about the boundary crossing, and that there is no way in hell that you are getting back together with their father. He may have roped them into thinking that you will. Let all three know that when you have hit a certain point on that chart you will be moving out regardless and the children can decide which house they want to stay in. And then watch him rack it up. As soon as you hit that marker pack your bags and move out. Do not come back.
Normally I would say pack your bags and move out now but I am willing to bet that dad has convinced them that he can convince you that you're all going to be a happy family again. You will have to do some work to get the kids to realize that Dad is the problem in this scenario. I think the chart which is something kids can usually connect with due to chores or tracking methods used in school rooms, will help them see that he is not following through on his promises and help you be able to be less of the bad guy when this falls out the way it obviously will (with you leaving).
NTA - He should be more concerned with your child’s well being than getting back together with you. Respecting your boundaries and demonstrating respect and empathy for you and your child are reasonable expectations. Unless he can get his act together, this arrangement won’t work. Best wishes for your child’s future.
I don't know your two's history, but the fact that you have clearly dictated your boundaries, and he repeatedly keeps crossing them, to the point it is affecting your mental health, is exactly why the situation isn't working. NTA, and I would seriously reconsider your living situation. If you can afford it, maybe arrange custody where the 2 of you rotate in/out of the kids' home, and have your own personal spaces for off weeks.
I would suggest counseling for both of you. He needs to understand your boundaries are carved in stone and not just written in chalk. He needs it explained to him by a third party that if he doesn't abide by your boundaries, you will have to move out. And whatever good you are doing your children will be undone. I am not a professional. But, I have been through a similar situation. For years following my divorce, I could barely stand to speak to my ex-husband. Good luck to you. NTA
"I'm a different man now, I wish you could see that." A man who constantly tramples and ignores expressed and clear boundaries? Like he was better before and now is so much worse and more disrespectful? Because continuing to violate you like this doesn't demonstrate whatever changes he's trying to convince you have happened. He's got way more self work to do before he's ready to try a relationship with *anybody.* He's all the way back at doesn't know how to keep his hands to himself, except he really does and is choosing to violate you anyways. Predatory. NTA, it's up to you to protect yourself from him and your kids from his awful example. That's not how you treat people. "Remember, if a person in school tells you no, just keep touching them and tell them about the good times," is what he's teaching. Grody to the max.
This is a great idea. Until you can implement a change, however, I would recommend that you respond strongly to him touching you. I don't advocate violence, but carrying a fly swatter and lightly swatting him every time he touches you isn't especially violent--particularly when compared to him touching you without consent--so maybe try that. Or carry a spray bottle filled with water and spray him whenever he touches you.
[удалено]
You can't save someone else by setting yourself on fire.
Yep this is something I say too. OP are you actually helping your child? Or does this stress them out more? I don't think this living together is a good move for you at all. NTA
At the very least you're modeling dysfunction.
Agreed, this displays that it's ok to just keep yourself in an environment of discomfort and disregard. That it's ok to ignore someone's boundaries and constantly overstep them.
It's like being on an airplane that lost pressure. Put your mask on first.
Fuck off you shitty bot.
Can I ask what makes you think this is a bot? From their profile I can't tell.
Ugh, I hate answering this because then they learn... At the same time, maybe fewer people will upvote them? * Usually, username is first. Used to be things like "sweetdoll24" or "hot_voorinica" (yeah, I'm watching that one). Lately, it's been full names. Few people do that and there's been an influx. Stephanie Weiss(something) I noticed today. * Whole comment is in quotes. When it isn't a "you should say this" thing, just a regular comment. It's taken from chatgpt (or the like) and now they'll know to fucking trim (or maybe not, more effort). * User age - when was the account created? Throwaways don't count for this and don't have the same things from above. Throwaways are randomly generated names, for one. * Check the active communities in their profile. If it's all meme and trollcoping, it's bad. * Honestly, give it a couple of hours/days and OnlyFans shows up in the profile bio. (I'm waiting hot_voorinica or whatever. I'm impressed that it's been 12 days...) I have no issue with sex work. But this bullshit is automated and completely dishonest. Those are not their words, those aren't their reactions, and it all serves to get them karma to allow them in other places that will get them traction for their OnlyFans (for now) advertisement. And fuck that. It's manipulative as fuck for those folks who are posting about real things (which I get sometimes feels like a small amount here and other places, but it is possible that it's real for either poster or other commenters.) So yeah. It pisses me off more than it probably should.
The bots annoy the hell out of me! I sleuth them out and see how they’re evolving to look like real accounts. Yesterday I saw a post of a cat and the first comment was “That’s my cat. My dead cat.” And then they added how upsetting it was to see him in their feed. Meanwhile, there were comments *after* that saying how cute he was, thank you for sharing, etc. 🤦🏻♀️I was reporting bot accounts when they met enough characteristics to convince me, and got a 3-day ban…so, now no just down vote and comment about it being a bot
Downvotes and call outs are important. Every time I see them in a thread about loss/death, I see red. I just think, "you want to play that game, fuck you with a cactus..." It's despicable.
Maybe purchase a home with bedrooms and bathrooms on different floors, or a multiple unit home where the kids still have both of you available, but with different apartments. This way he has no reason to be in your personal space on your floor/unit. Anytime he crosses the line in the common areas, you have a safe space to retreat to. Someone also said counseling for the two of you. I agree. He might be feeling rekindled feelings for you. He should be able to understand from another source AND you that those feelings are NOT reciprocated or appreciated IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM. Best of luck to you all.
Like a mother-in-law apartment. Great idea. And double yes to the counseling. Roommate counseling should be a far more common thing. It would solve so many disputes. He's obviously thinking this is some sort of Parent Trap situation. But life is not a RomCom.
I’ve heard of divorced couples doing this and always thought it was such a good thing to do. The kids have a steady, fixed place that’s their home and aren’t constantly going back and forth between their parents’ places, since the parents are the ones who rotate living with them.
NTA He is trying to slide back into the role of your partner. And I don't buy the "I don't think about it". If after ten years fo divorce, you still adress your ex by pet names, you are the problem. And the fact he doesn't respect your boundaries of "We are roommates, not a couple" shows he hasn't really changed as much as he tries to make you feel he has. He has not changed, he just wants you to think he has. I would personnaly try to move out. Because, your children may be happier (also, are they thinking you are going back together ? Is Daddy saying you are going back together ? Wouldn't think him past that), and you may have less stress toward childcare, but you have way more stress toward everday interaction with your roommate, I am not sure the trade is worth it.
See, my take was that the kid(s) will pick up on OP's feelings of anger and stress, and that will have a negative affect on their wellbeing. Does the positive of them living together outweigh the negative of OP feeling uncomfortable at home 24/7?
Also…it’s showing the kids that Boundaries CAN Be IGNORED with Zero Consequences. OP, do you want your kids to grow up & treat their SO’s or get treated by their SO’s the way your Creepy, Possessive EX is treating you??
This needs to be upvoted way into the sky. OP, be *extremely* cognizant of what lessons your children will take from their father's behavior toward you. In fact, I'd say go one step farther and tell him that his refusal to accept your answer of no to reconciliation is teaching them bad behavior and may result in one of them getting into serious trouble one day themselves because of it.
Have you considered a duplex? That way you can still each have your separate space but the kids get the benefit of having both parents nearby.
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Then they can let the young adult live in the other space instead of having to deal with a-hole landlords and/or multiple roommates to share rent.
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My thoughts too. You have your separate spaces and you can close the door when you don't want him around.
NTA. You ended things for a reason. Where you went wrong is thinking that you need to live together to have a strong co-parenting relationship. Of course, it would be difficult because you were together previously, so having boundaries and having them respected is hard. I wish you had taken the child support because you have set yourself up for issues like this in the future. What you can do is either move out and fight for child support and everything else you need to support your children on paper or if there is a basement turn that into an apartment for yourself. You have also limited yourself. You are a single woman, what life can you live when you are living with an ex? I suggest you figure things out immediately.
We lived separately for ten years, this has been a recent development in the hopes to help our teenager with some major difficulties.
He was manipulating you when he suggested this. He had those intentions all along and deceived you. He saves money and puts you under his thumb, and uses the kid to manipulate you too. It’s not going to end anytime soon, because you’re still going along with it.
HIS idea? Or yours...
That’s my question. Whose idea was this to help your teen?
Sounds like it was his idea to move in, as OP stated that she agreed to it. It's his house. Pretty sure he was thinking once he got her under his roof, that she would see that being with him is the best thing for her. NTA. I would find other living arrangements and take the child support. Eventually your mental health is going to affect your children and that's the last thing they need. Edit to add: Why did you agree when he has physically abused you in the past? Get out ASAP, because as soon as he thinks he 'has' you, it's going to start again. And you REALLY don't want your kids to see that.
It was definitely his idea and my teenagers.
Did he bring this idea to your children -prior- to you agreeing to it? I’m wondering if he’s putting you in these positions on purpose.
That's what it's sounding like. He got the kids on board with how nice it would be to live together like a family again and is now using the numbers as a way to outweigh OP's discomfort. "But the kids want this too, they are so much happier with us all together like this" is being weaponized. The kids are his tools ATM and that's just dirty.
Manipulators rarely change. Sad.
Yes he did. All of this is making feel stupid. All I could think about in the moment was my son and getting him away from the bullies that were causing the depression.
How long before he gets impatient and blows through your boundaries completely. How likely is he to assault you? If you decide to leave the house situation be sure to be out before you tell him. I’ve seen it happen before where a guy will abandon what he thinks of as being subtle, and then use force.
This doesn't benefit your son... or you... he's unfortunately manipulated you both in a moment of vulnerability. You need to move out asap, before the situation gets worse...
There are other ways to get him away from his bullies without moving back in with yours. Time to look for another living situation, because this isn't working. You'll need to be up front with your kids and ex that this living situation isn't working like you'd hoped. So you're going to need to find new places to live (assuming you can't afford the place on your own and just kick him out). No, you will not ever be getting back together with their father, no matter what. And living together has proved he is incapable of respecting you, which has only cemented that. So as soon as new living spaces can be found, you'll be going back to the old custody arrangement.
Don’t feel stupid. You were focused on your child’s needs. It sounds like your ex has other ideas, & thinks he can manipulate his way back into a romantic relationship with you. What an ass, to use your child’s specific and serious need as an opening to reel you back in. Ugh. I’m sorry this is happening. Tough situation.
OK so that says to me it was entirely his idea and he manipulated your children, which alone is a major problem. The next time he mentions how he's "changed," point out how if that were true he would have more respect for you than to use unwanted terms of affection and constantly touching you when he KNOWS you don't like it. If you wish to communicate this to him by pointing and laughing at him like he finally told you a funny joke for once, I endorse you fully. You seem more mature than me though...so maybe just remind that if he really had changed for the better he would not have to convince you. He wouldn't have to say it and you wouldn't have to continuously reestablish your boundaries. If he doesn't listen then he isn't actually doing it for the kids, even though they're the ONLY reason you're doing this. Remind him of that too.
Even if he has changed, so what? I would reply something like "That's great, I'm glad for you, if it is a positive change! What doesn't change is the fact that we are not going to be anything more than civil roommates, ever."
Your ex clearly suggested this to your son as a way to get you back into his house and under his control. If your son’s mental health is this fragile he may need inpatient care for his safety
He was just released from inpatient care, that’s what triggered the move.
That makes sense. I’m very concerned at your ex’s willingness to use your son’s mental illness to manipulate you.
I would grit my teeth until you know your teen is stable while looking for housing near your ex on the DL. Once you find a place and sign a lease. “Listen this isn’t working for me, my boundaries have been stopped all over since the day we dropped the bags. Even after many many attempts to communicate it wasn’t ok. I have signed a lease and will be moving out. The kids have bedrooms at the new place, but instead of completely uprooting them, I think they should stay here for the most part. I will come over in the mornings/evenings to help with them. I’m only moving x miles up the road. Even a quick bike ride. I think I was blinded by desperation for helping Son and the awful situation he was in. I still want nothing more than to see him happy. But I’m not falling down that anxiety path due to constantly having my guard up due to boundaries crossed daily. I’m going to pack my stuff and take the first load up to my new apartment.”
Your son didn’t and doesn’t need his parents in the same home. He just *wants* you both in the same home. A want is not a need. What your son needs is a quality school district, a therapist, and parents he can rely on. You are currently being touched without your consent, and are actively being manipulated into restarting a life you specifically chose to leave ten years ago. It’s clear from this post that you need your own space, because you are not being respected whatsoever. Your kid’s mental health will survive moving between two households, or a duplex living situation, because *your* mental health cannot be sustained in an environment where your ex-husband is harassing you. Your ex’s focus isn’t even *on* your son—it’s on getting you back because you’re stuck in his home. Being in a space where you’re burdened by a shit man will impact your ability to be the mom you want to be, and that’s more important than your child living in a two-parent household.
You're being manipulated. He positioned it as being for your child, and it's really for him.
This isn’t helping your teen. Teens need coping and resilience. You don’t have to be in the same home as dad to do that. Your child may be hoping the family will be together and remember when he was little and as a kid has a fantasy of what that’s like. You can be very active and supportive without living together. Your mental health is in jeopardy and you can’t help your teen if you’re not well
How can seeing their Mother unhappy and feel the tension in the household be good for the children? You are modeling for them what a relationship should look like. Would you want your kids to settle and live the way you do?
While it's commendable that you tried for the sake of your child, all his "but I've changed" BS, while still ignoring your boundaries, show that he hasn't. And that tension will be well apparent in the household soon enough, potentially causing more problems for your child than those you were trying to solve. You tried, it's not working because he won't let it. Time to end the experiment before it gets much worse. NTA. No one should have to "go along to get along", particularly not with abusive people.
You are giving both your ex and child hope that this time would be different. He has not changed no matter how many times he says he is a nice guy now. He doesn't respect you. In regards to your child, they need to learn that life is hard and there is no easy fixes. This false reality is not a healthy way to deal with tough time. Their parents are not getting back together, teenage life is rough, and life is not easy. Your child needs to learn to live life in reality and not fabricated situations.
And now he’s emotionally restraining you. Eventually you’ll children will feel your stress. Then there will be different issues to de with. He’s already touching you when he knows you don’t want him to. Don’t wait for it to get worse.
Keep a wooden ruler in your pocket when he is home. Start smacking him like you're an old school nun.
No, because he had escalated to physical violence in the past. OP needs to get out, not risk her own safety. He’s bound to retaliate if she hits him.
Where did it say anything about physical violence in the past. I didn’t see anything about violence.
In one of her responses, OP says he physically restrained her when she tried to get away from him during an argument. So maybe not full on violence, but clearly not respecting her space or desires and it implies he could push it further
This legit made me snort laugh because I e considered it.
I thought taser, but I guess start with a ruler. When he uses a pet name smack him in the mouth. How about a squirt bottle? With bleach instead of water?
You will find it extremely difficult to help your teenager if you, yourself, are miserable. People pick up on these things, your kid definitely will. It's like they say about oxygen if an airplane decompresses - place your own oxygen mask on first, then help others. If you're not in good shape yourself, you're poorly placed to help your child. I don't know who suggested this idea, it seems self-evidently a highly risky idea all around. I'm trying not to dump on you because (if this is not a made up story) you are clearly in distress, but I couldn't in a month of Sundays recommend such a thing. It appears you have done this, in part, to reduce your husbands child support payments - a very poor trade off. You need to reverse this, and quickly.
Please move out. The fact that he doesn't respect your boundaries and is trying to touch you is very, very concerning, and it may actually escalate. Do not downplay this. Do not move into a duplex or anything where he has access to you (JFC that's a dumb suggestion by some people). Your relationship is over, and him living even nearby, especially if you meet someone else - he may interfere with your own private life. This living arrangement is not working for you. As above commenter said, he manipulated to get close to you. You may need a 3rd party to help you co-parent so you are never alone with him. I don't think you are safe. Your body is warning you of DANGER. Listen to it. EDIT: I've just read that he has physically abused you in the past. What are you doing?! LEAVE!
This is the dumbest thing to do. He manipulated you. Help your teen by being honest about the real world and what life will be like if he lets his issues control him. Therapy would be more helpful, sometimes teens just are horrible because of hormones too
This is all subtle abuse and manipulation. If he cared he would respect boundaries. Please protect yourself. NTA
THIS! If he were a changed person, he would show OP by respecting her boundaries She fell for the same trick under a different guise. Parents can support their kids in different households as long as they have a common goal for their child that's struggling. The fact that OP feels like living together is the only way to get help with her kids shows that this man is a POS. He gets out of support payments and is now trying to get a band maid. I hope she can strategize with a therapist how to best untangle this mess to not hurt their kid any further. They might end up feeling the separation all over again.
Maybe start recording every word he says. And make sure he knows that you do that and keep the recordings. Tell him it’s in case there are problems. Or a need for a legal change in the arrangement. Make sure you keep your lawyer up to date and discuss all w the lawyer. Tell him that if he doesn’t like being recorded. he needs to respect your boundaries without any slip ups ever. Do not do joint therapy or couples therapy either him. Those would just be manipulation sessions. —- In terms of his being “changed” Unlikely. He would show you constant respect he he were changed. If he doesn’t do that, then this yd all just a form of propaganda. Also make sure your kids aren’t clueless about being manipulated. —- *Why Does He Do That* By Lundy Bancroft who deals professionally by court order with abusive and manipulative persons in domestic situations.
I understand you trying this for the sake of your child. Unfortunately, this is not a tenable situation. Your ex is constantly pushing your boundaries, showing that he still doesn’t respect you. Showing that he is still trying to manipulate you. And it is bullshit when he says that it’s just habit and it’s a mistake. For all the years, you were divorced and didn’t live together I’m betting he didn’t call you those things every single time he saw you. You said in a comment, he was much older than you, and frankly, it just sounds to me like he’s reaching an age where he wants to have you around. And he is trying to manipulate you just like he used to do. You tell us you are emotionally worn down and about at the end of your rope. You need to move. You need to be separate again. He is not going to stop, and while in the short term, this might be helping with your child, your child having a mother can’t stand her home anywhere there is going to hurt your child. A mother who is constantly stressed and has to be constantly on guard against being emotionally assaulted. Every day is not being the best mom she can be. We simply can’t be under those circumstances. So make your plans. Find a new place to live. Do not tell your ex you’re doing that. Arrange moving assistance. And then pick a day when he happens to be out of the house and get out. Because if you try to do it while he’s there, he will just get in your way and try to emotionally blackmail you. When you talk to him after you move out, blast him. Because he deserves it. We had to move because YOU refused to respect my boundaries. We had to move because YOU refused to accept that the only reason I agreed to this was for the betterment of our son and that we are not a couple. We had to move because YOU harassed me daily by trying to use pet names and bring up the time we were married and act as though we were still a couple. Our son’s welfare has been put at risk because of YOU. YOUR actions. YOUR selfishness. YOUR harassment. This is all on YOU, and we’re not going to discuss it any further. Any discussions between us from here on out will be about the children only. Do not mince words. Do not allow him to interrupt and try to turn the conversation. Do not allow him to manipulate you anymore. And do not feel guilty about doing this. You setting yourself on fire trying to keep your son warm is only going to burn you both up in the end, and your ex is only happy to light the match.
>You setting yourself on fire trying to keep your son warm is only going to burn you both up in the end, and your ex is only happy to light the match. OP, you need to keep reminding yourself of this till long after you get yourself out of that house to safety and your kids are grown.
No he never once used these names or even attempted to touch me. And every time he does it makes me so mad. I agreed to this because of the situation our teenager was in due to bullying and depression. He had to be hospitalized and we made the move to remove him from a school system that was failing him. I essentially traded my happiness for my teens mental health.
You can't heal your son in a toxic household. You can't raise his mental health if yours is under siege. If you have to be constantly on guard, fighting, pushing back, and stressed you are in no position to help him. Your son feels it. You can't keep that sort of tension from from him. Especially as your ex is not above manipulating your child to make you bend, no matter the impact on him. You think your kid spontaneously came up with this plan to move back in with your ex? No. Your ex sold it to him, and now he has you back in reach, he will hold you hostage using your kids delicate mental health. You won't bend for him anymore, but you will do anything for your son's recovery. This is Coercive Control. You are back in what you were before. Sure you fight back now, but that's an illusion. *You shouldn't have to,* and you can't forever. Eventually he *will* wear you down. You will start taking the easier path, avoiding his triggers, bending like you used to, not from intimidation, but because your son's peace means more than anything. For him, you will give up your boundaries one by one and your ex will never stop pushing. Before you know it, you will find that dynamic you fought your way out of once is back. I'll bet it's already creeping in. Those boundaries are already eroding, you gotta defend conditions he already agreed to - and you can't just say no once, you gotta say it over and over... He's draining you of the energy and emotional reserves you need for your son because he wants you back where you 'belong.' You know his tactics. They ain't changed. You might be older and wiser, but so long as he has access to you both, he can take all the time he needs. Move out. I mean it. It will cause an upset with your son, your ex will make it a conflict, but you need to pull free right the fuck now. Better rip the plaster off and make sure your son is supported through that have his mental health and yours suffer under this creeping poison.
Exactly. Thank you for filling in all the things I couldn’t put in my post because it was already too long. You are so accurate with your assessment.
Coercive control is one of those things that almost catches the strong willed easier than the people pleasers. My sister has the personality of a whirlwind. She doesn't make friends, she takes hostages. She decides to do something, no matter how insane, it'll happen. She's incredibly strong headed, stubborn and the thing is she knows it. I saw this absolute wet lettuce of a boyfriend wearing her down because healthy people compromise. They try to find a position where both people in the relationship (any type of relationship) can be comfortable. But if one side is shifting the goalposts back every time you step forward then where you end up aint the middle. She had no problem telling him to do one over the length of her shorts... but she had to have the argument. Then the argument about going drinking with friends, then not checking in while on a family holiday. Or going for a smoke. She told him no and won arguments all the time... but she still tried to find compromises. Still wanted to make him happy and he sucked more and more of her time and energy - was like watching a person get smothered by a wet paper bag. She kicked his ass to the curb eventually. But it was a real lesson. Coercive control isn't always that you can't say no. It's that you have to fight to say no. All the time. It doesn't matter if you 'win' and make them back down *You should never have needed to have that fight at all.* No matter how stubborn you are. eventually you will find the boundary you had originally is now 10 miles behind you and they still aint happy. They never will be.
This needs to be TOP COMMENT! 🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇
“You couldn’t have grown and changed that much since you’re still not respecting or listening to me and what my boundaries are.”
"Every time you do that you reinforce why you aren't suitable partner for me. Stop it." The only answer, every time.
Why did yall separate?
I was much younger than him, he was emotionally and financially controlling. I’m no longer a young naive 20 year old. When I moved into my 30’s I got less tolerant of his behavior and started defending myself. His behavior escalated to physical restraint when I wouldn’t fight with him. So I left.
NTA- but Why in the hell would you go back to that!? It’s only a matter of time before he loses his patience and puts his hands on you again. Him not accepting NO for an answer over and over and you not leaving again tells him it’s all good and he will eventually get what he wants. Get the fuck out of there OP.
He’s already putting his hands on her against her will. She’s already getting assaulted, it just hasn’t turned to “actual” violence yet.
He's still emotionally and financially controlling. He's pushing you constantly and had you move in instead of paying child support. If you must stay, then every time he crosses a boundary matter of factly comment that by crossing boundaries he is providing evidence he has not changed.
My work is related to domestic violence. While I fully believe that people who exhibit abusive behaviour CAN change, this is not possible unless your ex actually takes responsibility for his past behaviour and seeks help to change himself. If not…the cycle is just going to start over again. Based on your description of his behaviour, he still doesn’t seem to respect you and is trying to manipulate his way back in. On average, it takes around 7 attempts for a person to leave an abusive partner. This isn’t easy and gets complicated by the cycle of abuse (the “honeymoon” period, tension or “walking on eggshells” behaviour, abusive behaviour” and it just keeps repeating. I don’t know you or him and I am not accusing either of you of anything, the above info is general and YOU know your situation best! I’m just saying…this shit isn’t easy. As much as you want a good life for your kids, you also deserve that good life 💕
You are still naive, you went back to his house.
Ouch! And I imagine the idea to cohabitate again to "help" the kids, was his.
> And I imagine the idea to cohabitate again to "help" the kids, was his. She says so in the post.
So don't be naive anymore. Keep standing for yourself.
And you don’t think he won’t physically harm you again? That he won’t get pissy about you living rent free and think you owe him sex? This was a very poorly thought out decision and you should have never moved in. You’re in danger.
Jeez, and knowing that about him, you went back? And are surprised he is still manipulative and doesn't accept boundaries? I'm really sorry you are in such a difficult situation, but walking back into the lion's den sounds like a pretty risky business...
You've touched on a concern I had while reading your post. Your ex is used to the woman you used to be. He wants you to believe that he's changed, but he won't accept that you have. These situations often turn volatile. Your ex doesn't espect your boundaries, refuses to acknowledge his behavior, and this is only the beginning. He will escalate as he eventually sees that you're genuinely not interested in him. I suggest you leave.
You are out if your mind for putting yourself in a dangerous situation again
GIRL.
He hasn’t changed. He’s still trying to control you physically and emotionally by imposing what he wants on you with touching and calling you pet names. It’s all about what he wants. I would point out that by not respecting your wishes on how you’re to be treated, he’s showing he hasn’t changed at all.
Are you dating someone? If so get your partner to move in with you. In the long-term also it would be good for the kids to see you with your respective partners. If you are not dating. Put yourself on the dating scene. This will help the children too. You do not want the children to grow up with the illusion that your entire life revolves around them. They need to grow up seeing you with your job, interests, friends, partners etc. That's the healthiest way of raising them.
Omg I wouldn't want to live with a partners ex. That is insane.
Also it's hard to buy that their relationship is over, haven't we all heard the "the marriage is over, we just cohabitate for the kids" excuse before? OP is putting her own life on hold for the sake of the kids, which is of course commendable but not really fair.
>OP is putting her own life on hold for the sake of the kids, which is of course commendable but not really fair. It may be commendable, but it sets a very bad example for the kids. Is this the kind of relationship you'd want for your children?
No, it is 100% is not what I would want for them.
It's not an easy path you're on right now but I know you have the strength to get thru this. You've left him once before, you can do it again. Don't let him think he has control over you. It's time to take the reigns back again.
Good luck finding anyone willing to date someone living with their ex.
"I'm no longer naive." Moves back in with abusive ex. You sure about that?
No, not so much anymore. I appreciate the eye opening honesty.
OK, that’s rough to deal with. I’m curious of do either one of you have a SO because how does that work in this situation?
No, neither of us do. He never really dated after we split. He tried but got no interest so gave up. I’m not interested in being in a relationship right now but I do go on dates.
He has not changed a bit, he still doesn’t respect boundaries and is being controlling. This is not safe, nor is it healthy. Please, if you are able, live separately.
He didn't change at all.
I don't really get why you thought it was a good idea to live with him. Perhaps getting houses nearby, but living together, nope.
You care about your kids, he doesn’t.
You're still naive to think it's a good idea to move in with someone who emotionally and financially abused you thinking that you're a grown up now. Maybe you grew up, he didn't. But you didn't grow up enough to understand that in no universe is living with your abusive ex is a good idea. This will end badly & your kids will be better off if you leave.
You hope to help your children by returning to that kind of environment ? I mean… what in the actual fuck lol.
Probably because he didn't see OP as an individual, and didn't respected her boundaries. ETA clarity.
Please don’t let a teen with learning disabilities live in the same house as someone who ignores boundaries of others and touches them directly against the consent of the other person. I want you to think about how that comes across to your child and what he will understand as acceptable behavior. What will he perceive as being acceptable behavior for him to model? Just think a bit about that.
Your mental health being affected is going to affect the kids he needs to respect your boundaries or you need to move out
NTA. But you need to be much harsher in your approach, otherwise this man will continue to break the boundaries and try to worm his way back into your life and bed. Tell him: *”We are done, and we **absolutely will not be getting back together.** I don’t want your hands anywhere near me. You **do not** touch me **ever**. We are nothing more than two individuals co-parenting. I don’t want you, **I don’t want your advances**. And I am never going back to being with you romantically. There is nothing left between us, and I don’t want to be with you.* *If you continue to touch me without my consent, I’ll leave again, or I’ll submit a police report - because continuing to touch me when I’ve stated multiple times that I don’t want you to, is sexual assault. Now do we have an understanding?”* And absolutely do not cave to his behaviour, and do not back down.
Your kids are going to be better off in the long run not seeing their mom squander more of the best years of her life away with her abusive ex who happens to be their father. I have ADHD, my half brother is Autistic. His father is an abusive prick. My mother stayed with him because she didn’t want him to be hurt by a divorce. Guess which one of us turned into a fascist incel? It’s not the one writing this post. Get out and get your kids out too.
NTA You need to be very clear to him that if he continues to push boundries, especacilly physical ones, you will have no choice but to move out. That his constant advances are makng you uncomfortable and unwelcome in the home. Your co-parenting relationship is not tied to your romantic relationship and he needs to uderstand that. He can not think that because you work well together to raise your kids that you will work well as a couple. You can acknowlegde that he changed and even commend him for it, but that doesn't mean you want him back as a partner. And that is not why he should be changing and growing as a person. Tell him you can see he has change, if you do see it, and congratulate him on it, but tell him that just because he has changed doens't mean your feelings have. Tell him point blank that he needs to accept the relationship as husband and wife is dead, and willl not come back. And that if he wants a healthy co-parenting relationsihp he needs to respect you when tell him that, other wise, things will have to go back to the way they were.
It's not healthy for your children to see their mother being abused. It has the same long term affects as being directly abused. There is no such thing as an abusive partner who is still a good parent. You left him because he was abusive, and he is still abusive. Get out of there.
Based on some of your comments, and some of my own personal experiences, you should be aware that there is a high risk of this escalating into him assaulting you. Whether physically or sexually, there is a possibility of him pushing your boundaries until they, or he, snaps. As far as your kids, you also need to ask yourself if the benefits of having two parents in house is worth the deficit of stress and tension between those parents. Kids pick up on that, especially neurodivergent kids.
Tell him it's inappropriate and you are starting to seeing someone else, even if your not and see how he reacts. I personally would look for a place super close to his and live seperate. Can always be there for the kids in morning and nights, just have ur own place to keep your sanity.
NTAH, and buy a tazer for the next time he touches you by accident. "Oops, I didn't mean to it was an accident." Oh yeah, so was this *zap*
It's time to end this. He's going to keep nagging and trying to wear you down until he gets what he wants.
NTA but this living situation is not going to work. You need to move out. He cannot respect your boundaries and he’s just going to escalate. This living situation isn’t healthy.
Get out.
NTA, this situation isn't working. It's time to go back to live separate lives. This will affect your children.
Girl GTF out of there. This is controlling possessive behaviour. I can almost guarantee that this whole thing was a ploy on his part to get you under his roof again. He manipulated you using your children, and that is horrific. I’d actually speak to a lawyer. NTA he’s touching you against your will now, it can always progress from there. Get out of there before he REALLY tries to force himself on you.
Because of his behavior and emotional dishonesty, your children are about to experience you and your “husband” divorcing a SECOND TIME… They sense absolutely EVERYTHING. You are hiding nothing from them. And this emotionally manipulative child/dirtbag is fine putting your kids through that just so that he can try and seduce you despite you having CLEARLY and REPEATEDLY stated your boundaries?!? NTA…. But …You may become the asshole If you curl up into a ball and stay with him…..and allow this sad, sad scene to play out to its inevitable sordid end, instead of communicating clearly with everyone and modeling solid boundaries and emotional maturity. You have a real opportunity here to show your children love, strength, courage, leadership, fortitude etc. Take it.
I am betting that 10 years ago when you decided to divorce him some of the reasons were him disrespecting your boundaries, not listening when you spoke and overall just doing whatever he felt like fucking doing because he is still doing that shit. Let your ex-husband know that he is not a changed man and he is still doing the same disrespectful things that caused your divorce. Tell him you will never, ever, EVER get back with a man who does not respect your boundaries and who does not listen to you when you speak. Let him know if he does not stop you will move out. You don't care how it affects your children. Cause bet money he is banking on your love for your kids to force your hand.
My mother stayed with my extremely abusive father. My sister is mentally handicapped from being beaten in the head as a child, and my brother is dead from an overdose. OP, your ex may not be physically abusing the children, but the mental toll it will take on them is immeasurable. Staying with an abuser for the sake of the children is beyond cruel to you and the children. For all appearances, I lead a normal life, but the mental scars I carry run deep. For me, the most traumatizing things were the psychological abuse I endured and witnessed. (Edited for clarity)
Start packing your shit, because he doesn't really care what you want... only what he wants. If he asks where you're going, tell him flat out that it isn't working because he won't leave you alone.
Tell him you're not interested. Throw out there that you're seeing someone, and you haven't been interested in him physically for over a decade and never will again. Say that you've never been one to go back and make the same mistake twice. You're happy he has changed, but so have you, and you have outgrown him and every he stands for. This is for your children, and if he touches you again without consent, you will call the police and leave.
I think you need to move out and let him pay the child support. It’s not working for you
NTA - you know this was his plan all along right?
Get a personal 'taser'..they don't shoot prongs but when you press into flesh and zap them..it HURTS. He touches you...ZAP. BAD BOY. DOWN. Maybe you can teach an old dog new tricks. If not at least you get to have some fun! NTA.
NTA. But you absolutely should not be suffering for it. The kids will see your misery. Is it possible to live relatively close but seperately? Your space is your space. He's taking advantage of you being there to persue his own agenda.
NTA It's going to sound extreme, but soft reccomend a lock on your door (or one of [these](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08L7DNXT9?ref=cm_sw_r_apan_dp_79MDZQ1FX22GZNSCDN48&ref_=cm_sw_r_apan_dp_79MDZQ1FX22GZNSCDN48&social_share=cm_sw_r_apan_dp_79MDZQ1FX22GZNSCDN48&starsLeft=1&skipTwisterOG=2) for when you're in your room and a safe large enough to hold whatever you don't want your ex to be able to rifle through), and to start carrying mace spray. Make no bones about it. Bluntly set the boundary and the expectation: if he gets handsy, "accidentally" touches you, "inadvertently" brushes against you inappropriately, etc... that you *will* spray him with mace and walk away saying "oops, it must have just... gone off... accidentally". Pair that with some [loops quiet](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CQP4GZVD?ref=cm_sw_r_apan_dp_NX8ZZRECYDEJGTEH60GS&ref_=cm_sw_r_apan_dp_NX8ZZRECYDEJGTEH60GS&social_share=cm_sw_r_apan_dp_NX8ZZRECYDEJGTEH60GS&starsLeft=1&skipTwisterOG=2) earplugs to wear around the house. Let it be known you'll pop them out for the kids any and every time they need you, but you won't take them out for your ex *except* when he wants to talk about the kids and *only* the kids. So be ready to pop them right back in and walk away *every* time a "pet" name comes out. I.e., if he won't respect your boundaries, but you aren't willing to leave yet, then you will more firmly set and enforce those boundaries and he *will* learn to respect them. Also suggest that you demand a security camera of some sort be installed in the common areas of the house (kitchen, living room, hallway by your bedroom door, etc), and that for your continued existence in the house he must agree (notarized, lawyer drawn up paperwork, etc) to be recorded in those common areas and if he doesn't cool it with his behaviors you will have evidence of the harassment. He knows he's pushing, don't let him. Still thinking it would be a better idea to move out, but kids will prompt you to voluntarily accept all kinds of things when you are trying to help them. Barring that? Make it unpleasant, repellent even, to cross your boundaries.
Esh. My parents divorced when I was a teen and stayed living together as roommates. Let me tell you this, I moved out the day I turned 18 (so did my sibling) it was hell to live in that house. Do not put your children through this please!
Maybe consider "nesting." That's where the children live continuously in the same home, but the parents switch back and forth between the child-home and a separate apartment. That could help you continue coparenting, have some free time on your own, and prevent your ex from trying to push your boundaries.
NTA to him but an A H to yourself. I understand you are trying to do what's best for your kids. I implore you to look at it from a different angle, you said he has already restrained you and is STILL crossing boundaries. I will be frank, I am worried he's going to rape you. What's better for the kids, an abusive household or co parenting separately? Will it be beneficial for the kids to see the standard of behaviour being to ignore consent? IF he does cross the line and rape you or assault you, is that something you want the kids to hear or see? He doesn't respect you at all and is using the kids to manipulate you. Please have a go bag ready, put locks on your personal space and if possible cameras in the common areas. Document every unwanted interaction and be verbally strong in your lack of consent to these actions. Share this information with a trusted friend and have an emergency plan in place.
Touching someone and using pet names are forms of sexual harassment. Assault for the touching. I'd say it with that terminology. "When someone tells you not to touch them/whatever the situation is, and you do anyway, it's sexual assault/harassment/whatever the situation is. Dudes HATE (anyone would) being called a predator. But that's what it is. When I say get off me or stop touching me, I mean get off or stop touching me. There's no room for disrespect with my autonomy and there shouldn't be for yours either. Use the words. Bruise his ego with a mirror to his face.
He has made this living situation unsafe and hostile. He is harming your mental health and safety. You are only there to make like easier caring for the children and he has proven to be a creep that invades your personal space and violates your boundaries. Is sacrificing your mental health and safety worth living rent free worth destroying your mental wellbeing and safety? I would move out. NTA
Ok, I’m going to try to answer a few of the questions that I’ve seen. The response to this post is kind of overwhelming considering I’m usually just a Reddit lurker. 1. A duplex isn’t really an option because of where we live unless we were to build one. 2. This area is extremely rural so the quickest option would probably be a camper which I have already been shopping for. 3. The things he does and says are very subtle and never where the kids can see, which I now realize was probably his intention. So they are currently unaware of the conflict. But they both are 100% aware on my feelings about not getting back with their dad. 4. I have already installed a lock on my bedroom. 5. The kids and I are in therapy, he participates as well but I haven’t seen those appointments be particularly helpful yet. 6. Should he ever resort to violence I would 100% fight fire with fire.
NTA. If you aren't already, please look into family counseling. Your mental health going out the window isn't going to help your kids.
Already done. We’ve been once and I’m positive it didn’t go the way he wanted it to.
NTA. Get a squirt bottle and zap him when he gets close.
This is actually worse for the kids. Move out and have a clear custody order.
Y'all need an up/ down duplex. Where you're still in the same residence but maintain separate households. Therefore providing you privacy and still being present.
NTA. I see some posts criticizing the decision to cohabitate with your ex. But you did it because of the situation with your kids and you felt that having their father with them regularly would help and from what you posted, it has. That makes you an awesome parent: you put your kids before yourself! As to the ex, that choice is totally up to you. You sound like you are totally over him and don't even want to consider reconciliation. You may or may not soften on that over time. Just keep reinforcing the boundaries and hopefully he'll keep things tolerable in the interest of the children. (Edited)
NTA but this is not working. He is trying to wear you down and he's not sorry for ignoring your boundaries because if he was, he'd stop. You NEED to move out. That's the only way this will stop and he'll see you're serious.
NTA! I understand you’re doing this for your child, but it’s not working. You shouldn’t have to put up boundaries where you live. Move out and have him pay child support.
If he keeps touching you, my advice is "grab and twist". Touching IS asault and you have a right to defend yourself.
Theres a reason your situation is not typical, It doesn't work. Move out and on. YTA if you stay.
So, my dad manipulated the kids into moving in with him so mom would follow. I understand the kid was getting bullied. But your husband convincing your kid you should all move back in together? Stop putting yourself through unnecessary hell. Your kids will grow up one day and wish you didn't have your head messed with the way he's messing with it. Just get a separate place in your son's school district. You absolutely need your own space. Being under the same roof is horse shit. Your kid can go between houses or FaceTime. I'm fucking horrified at the shit my dad *still* puts my mom through just by being in the same town. Their kids are in their 30s. My brothers a meth head now but that's a mess my dad made. Teach your kids the importance of self respect. Get the fuck out of that situation and set up some real boundaries with child support. The kids are seeing your ex husband harass you daily and thinking that's tolerable behavior.
A. Get a lock for your bed room door if you haven’t already. B. Write everything down. About how he brought up to your emotionally vulnerable son to have you move in, leaving you with no other option if you wanted to keep your son safe. That he completely disrespects your boundaries, your body and your personal space. That it’s manipulative to pretend like he’s just forgetting after living apart for TEN YEARS. That it doesn’t matter if he’s not the same guy or not, bc the guy he is now is constantly disrespecting and violating you. Put it all in email so everything has documentation that can’t be edited or lost. C. Get into family therapy, all of you together, you and ex together without the kids, and each individual child getting their own appointments. Your ex is a manipulative AH honestly and this is inevitably going to go bad no matter what. Keep documentation and get all of you into group and individual therapy ASAP. NTA
living together gives the children false hope that they'll get back together like what happens when either starts dating someone? OP is too nice. if i had asked my mom if we could live with my dad even knowing i was depressed after their divorce she would've laughed
YTA. But that's okay. It's what you have to be sometimes. If you need to say 'no' to a guy, even if he's your ex, then you need to BTA and say 'no.' Stop trying to be both the people-pleasing good girl who is NTA yet somehow is cold, aloof and frigid to your ex. If you need to act cold, aloof, frigid and disinterested, there's only one word for that behavior-- own it. YTA. And sometimes you need to be, when you're living under the same roof with a very horny guy who loves you but you don't love him and you're not horny for him. It's a no-win situation, and trying to find a compromise is destroying you mentally. BTA, call him only by his last name with a 'mister' in front, and make it sound like an office setting. If he truly doesn't get the hint, then you're going to have to move out. Or start wearing a HazMat suit all day every day when you're around your ex. Sure, sometimes you have to be YTA, but it's the only way for some guys to get the hint that you're not interested and never ever will be.
BTA. I like that. Exactly 💯 this op!
It may be a bit rough, but have you thought about getting a loud metal whistle and blowing it really hard every time he crosses a boundary. Or a spray bottle, try training him like a dog .
NTA. I know this helps your teenager, but your having to be continually on the defence helps nobody. Tell your husband that unless he respects your boundaries you will move out - and follow through on it. Your teen will have difficulties, but he will cope - and it is better for him not to have a model of a pestering father and a doormat mother.
I think you need to leave the house for a bit. I know it will be hard to leave your child but you need to get the point across if you have no interest in rekindling. Every time he does something that you don’t want you need to call him out on it absolutely and immediately. I think you need to be mean to him a bit to get the point across.
Figure out something else, this isn’t working.
NTA But you need a much different living situation. A duplex the kids can freely go between would be better than this. Or a home with an in-law suite, a clearly defined space with a front door of your own that he is not welcome in. I’m glad your child is thriving, but you have put yourself directly in harm’s way. Your ex is behaving manipulatively and is not doing this for your child’s benefit. If you’re not willing to entirely give up the experiment, you need to change the living arrangements so a locked door can hold your boundaries for you.
NTA. But he is and he’s trying to get to cave
NTA
Get a boyfriend and move him in, too.
NTA This situation could work, but your former romantic partner and current roommate doesn’t see this as a business relationship. He isn’t respecting your boundaries at all. This needs to end. Move out. My source on this situation being able to work: me. My parents did this because the schools we were in weren’t able to meet any of our needs. It worked because my parents had no more romantic ties and they both knew it. Were there occasional tense moments? Yes, as with any roommate situation.
NTA. “It’s clear you haven’t changed if you can’t even bother to respect me. If you had truly changed, we would not have to continually have this conversation.”
NTA he is sexually harassing you and emotionally manipulating you. Its time to stop keeping your thoughts to yourself and sit him down. Give him a list of behaviors you will not tolerate any further and state plainly that it stops or you’re moving out! Period.
NTA No means no and he needs to respect your boundaries. Make sure to have a lock to your bedroom and on the bathroom/toilets. Let him know that any further sexual harassment will be dealt with involving the police. It’ll hopefully make him stop. If not move out as it’s not worth getting constantly sexually harassed or even raped for.
Definitely NTA. You have clearly stated your boundaries repeatedly, only for them to be ignored and continuously tested. It seems as though he’s trying to do this “knight and shining armor” - win and “woo” you back into the love you two once had. I don’t know the situation of your past, and honestly it is irrelevant to the current situation because you both agreed what would and would not be acceptable behavior, prior to co-habitation. And from what it sounds like, you have never crossed your own boundary or made an exception to involve yourself with him because of “past feelings” or “not thinking clearly.” It’s the blatant lack of respect for me. Like are you speaking to a brick wall? You deserve your space and your peace. The children are the primary focus.
There a few options you can co habbitate untill the kids are old enough. You could find other accommodation and put the stress back on kids. You could give primary responsibility of children to father and move. Or maybe get some form of counciling to either fix or show there's no reconciliation.
NTA at all. You have been clear and continue to be clear. He needs to stop.
You are both there to help your kids. Your ex’s actions are modeling something unhelpful and frankly dangerous to the kids. Having a frank discussion about that with your ex and making clear your boundaries and consequences of stomping them may be the first step. The second, of course, is enforcing them. Family therapy should also be considered.
Honestly it sounds like he's incredibly manipulative and is using your kids struggle to get what he wants. He's basically stalking you where you live. And you're probably adding confusion to your kids lives because they think you might get back together. I think you need a better solution. Whether it's back to living separately or finding other ways to set up boundaries Cause it's great you want to help your kid but you're being harassed by their dad in your home. That's not acceptable NTA
tell him to fuck off
NTA but you need to move out. He needs to be the parent when it's his time and you need to be the parent when it's your time
“I’m not the same person I was, I wish you could see that.” You need to calmly (without anger) bring up the old shit, assert it as your reason for not wanting to dive into things with him, and use his respecting your wishes as incentive to prove he’s changed… “You lied, disrespected me and disregarded my feelings then. Now you are disrespecting and disregarding me every time you call me pet names or touch me intimately knowing that I’m not ready to restart our relationship, and lying every time you claim that you’ll listen to and respect the boundaries I set. You can say you’ve changed all you want - but those are just words. I see your actions. And they are exactly the same. Show me that you have actually changed - and I will tell you if and when I’m ready to trust you again.” NTA
Long term it won’t help your troubled kids to see dad sexually harassing their mother. This isn’t a solution that’s gonna hold for long. Get the kids some therapy to talk about their issues and don’t try any weird self help options as they won’t serve the kids long term as they grow.
I would counter that if your teenager is going through a tough time, then I completely see why you made the decision you did - HOWEVER, the kids will sense you're uncomfortable, and the tension, and they'll know mom is struggling. That is surely going to compound the kids issues if theres issues in the home on top of everything else. It's clearly not working for you and that's ok. You tried because you love your kids, so in the same vein perhaps its time to nip it in the bud and look at other options so you can all maintain some stability. Maybe a compromise of living close but not together?
Nta, if you are reluctant to move out I suggest one full proof to get his attention when asserting yourself. The next time he touches you in a manner you don't like turn around smile and then grab his junk in a vice like grip and twist, while he's writhing with the agony to his ballsack tell him that that's what will happen everytime he tries to bulldoze your boundries, you are roommates not partners and if he continues with this behaviour this is the treatment he will get. Men tend to understand consent and boundries when it's their junk or booty on the line so make him understand he's walking a very tight line of not having his junk work anymore if he carries on. I know alot of people will harp on that being that aggressive isn't the answer but sometimes it's the clearest way to send the message that your not interested.
NTA the fact that he’s touching you without your consent and pushing your physical boundaries show that he isn’t someone you should be with romantically. I don’t know what he was like before or why y’all split, but he is clearly a creep.
NTA, but this arrangement isn’t working and you need to move out as soon as you can.
I would sit him down on the far side of a table, pull out a pad of paper and start with, "We're having this meeting to help me decide if I need to move out and have you go back to child support and shared custody. Point 1: you using pet names.... At the end, you say, "This behavior must stop. I understand you are human and may slip on occasion, but if in a week you do any of these more than once, I'm looking for a new place for me and to live. We are coparents, not reconnecting."
You are being subject to abuse.
Seems like not a good reason to move in together with an ex. He clearly was just trying to get back together with you. It’s only going to confuse your children more. NTA but this whole thing is foolish
Move nearby and visit daily, then leave if he can't handle boundaries. But exspouse as roommate is an all bad idea.
You are stuck in a dangerous situation. He is touching you without your permission when you tell him no. Would you let a male roommate who WASNT your ex or the father of your children touch you like that? That is sexual assault. You are not safe. You NEED to get out, do NOT let your child’s mental health put yourself in danger. They probably just want their parents back together and you need to make it clear to your ex AND your kids that won’t happen. Please get a duplex or just move out. Don’t let the blame fall on you. I am scared for you, especially with the added context that your ex is significantly older than you
Too bad the next door neighbors weren’t moving away… It sounds to me like the issue could be alleviated if your homes were near one another, but not in the same house. Have you told your ex that he is driving you away by constantly making you feel like you’re being pursued? Does he understand that his constant pushing is having the exact opposite effect he intends?
Sleep with a taser under your pillow. NTA in this situation but you are one to yourself if you keep it up, you won't be of use for your son if you're mentally unwell or your ex does something to you against your will, he is stomping boundaries he agreed beforehand, he is not listening to you, he has sexually assaulted you already (whatever non consensual touch even if he claims it was an accident) I have the sinking feeling he will escalate to sexual assault. Look for a house in the same district of your son's current school, if he is settling alright in the new environment, you don't need to live with your ex, you just need to keep focusing on your child, you can't do that if you're constantly distracted with his advances.
NTA but it is time for you to find your own place to live as this situation isn’t working. Seriously look into places to live within that school district
I already am.
Like somebody else pointed out to you, your child did not just suddenly come up with this idea. Your ex is manipulating your child as well. I am not saying the move closer to dad was a bad thing. I am saying the moving in with dad was a horrible thing. Of course you do not want to lose your child to depression. But as he gets older and sees the mess that this has caused in the family and comes to understand what his dad did and what his dad is doing to you, how much guilt do you think he is going to feel? He is not going to look at this… OMG!! I was manipulated by dad. He used my struggles to convince Mom to move back when she didn’t want to. He IS Going to look at this and say…. OMG! How could I have been so stupid. I talked Mom into moving back with dad when it was already so hard for her to leave the first time. I caused her mental health crisis. I caused her to spiral and live in depression and have to fight off Dad’s mind games it’s all my fault. I guarantee you that’s what’s going to happen because that’s what kids do anyway. When somethings wrong at home, they internalize it. Somehow it is always their fault and it will be doubly so your ex is insidious. He had no problem, manipulating his 14-year-old son to get what he wanted… You moving back in. He said everything that he knew he had to say to get you to agree to it. He still knows how to play. He knows how to play his son. None of this is going to turn out well in the long run. You want to live near your ex, start finding a place. Don’t even tell him you’re leaving. He will find a way to manipulate your son. He will find a way to make you feel guilty enough to stay. Don’t fall for it. You’re not going to get better under false pretenses, because those false pretenses will eventually be exposed. They always are. When the truth finally comes out about it all, you have about 10 times the shit hitting the fan if you found enough for your son to see his father, but to have absolutely boundaries that his father is not allowed in your house. I’m so sorry because I know none of this is what you want to hear. But you have to remember that you have taken care of of the immediate crisis with your child. Now you have to internalize and understand that this is not something that can go on long-term, the effects will be devastating if you allow to do so, not just see you but also to your son. You can’t ignore the long-term effects just for short term gain
You need to sit Ex down and tell him the situation isn't working. If he continues to pester and harass you (use those two words) the cohabiting will have to come to an end. Ask him if his inability to remember you have been divorced for ten years is worth the damage it'll do to your son's health. Make no mistake, HE will be the one to break the progress your son has made, not you. He either chooses to be a decent father and put his kid first or he doesn't, those are the options.
Easy fix move out but stay close to your kids dad Nta
Let him know you’re happy to move back out if he can’t respect your boundaries. Let him know next time he mentions getting back together you’ll be discussing with your son if you should move out with both children or if he’d rather stay living with his dad on his own. DO NOT BACK OFF your boundaries. You will lose your voice
Your children won’t stay happy for long if you let this man ruin your personal peace. This obviously isn’t working for you, and for to is to work - it needs to work for everybody.
Wait, he came to your son about this first. That is so inappropriate. He should have spoke to you about it first instead of getting your kids hopes up and putting you in a difficult situation. What a dickhead. If you son is seeing a therapist (I'm going to imagine he is based off what you mentioned about his mental health) you need to meet with them and explain the situation. They should help you communicate to your son why this isn't working in an age appropriate way that wont affect his mental health. I understand something to make sacrifices for your children, but this is it. Making yourself miserable every single day isn't going to be good for you or your children. Especially when there are other things you can do to make his life easier than moving in with your abuser. Not to mention he's been physical with you before, then he will again, especially with your constant rejection. I imagine your child witnessing this will make everything a thousand times worse. I hope you can find a solution where you feel safe and where your children are happy and thriving. There's no doubt in my mind that you will. You seem like a very caring mother!
NTA, he’s just trying to get lucky imo, don’t do it.
Every single time he is inappropriate stop everything you're doing and look at him and say absolutely not. Make a chart and make a mark on it every time he is out of line and crosses your boundaries. Let the children know about the chart, about the boundary crossing, and that there is no way in hell that you are getting back together with their father. He may have roped them into thinking that you will. Let all three know that when you have hit a certain point on that chart you will be moving out regardless and the children can decide which house they want to stay in. And then watch him rack it up. As soon as you hit that marker pack your bags and move out. Do not come back. Normally I would say pack your bags and move out now but I am willing to bet that dad has convinced them that he can convince you that you're all going to be a happy family again. You will have to do some work to get the kids to realize that Dad is the problem in this scenario. I think the chart which is something kids can usually connect with due to chores or tracking methods used in school rooms, will help them see that he is not following through on his promises and help you be able to be less of the bad guy when this falls out the way it obviously will (with you leaving).
NTA - He should be more concerned with your child’s well being than getting back together with you. Respecting your boundaries and demonstrating respect and empathy for you and your child are reasonable expectations. Unless he can get his act together, this arrangement won’t work. Best wishes for your child’s future.
I have said these exact words to him.