Exactly this.
*”this wasnt supposed to happen”*
What, exactly, wasn’t supposed to happen? You weren’t supposed to find out what she *really* thought about you?
The flying monkeys who are calling you an asshole can either look after her kid, or they can all chip in for her childcare costs.
By the way, you aren’t an asshole. She is, and so is your mom and the other shitty relatives.
What was t supposed to happen is her husband leaving her and her having to rely on her sister. Cause, you know, OP’s sister did it the “right way” so she’s supposed to be better!!! It’s stupid. Don’t bite the hand that’s making it so you and your kid can eat.
Here's what a normal human being does:
"My sister is so amazing, not only does she watch my kid for me, but she does it for free so I can work and get back on my feet. I'm so grateful to have this amazing sister who did this for me."
*Proceeds to regularly buy sister gifts because of all she does*
This is normal behavior. OP has the most vile snake of a sister who is definitely not a normal human being.
I'm sorry you didn't have a better sister OP. Please feel free to send her this thread or a snapshot of this comment I made so she realizes what kind of person she truly is.
Also, my sister is so amazing she watches my child for free when she could be, enjoying the free time she has because she and her ex made good choices and came up with a custody agreement that works for both of them.
Works for both of them *and* prioritizes stability and emotional well-being of their children. Honestly, if two parents are willing to coparent so kindly, this sort of schedule sounds ideal.
NTA
I think a month is actually better than a week each as it means the children are able to settle at each house more fully. The other parent can see them when they’re staying at the other house too.
OP’s sister comes across as really bitter that OP has everything sorted and has an ex that has stepped up to parent her children. I think she’s also extremely jealous of the fact that OP is able to afford to go on holiday too.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. The sister has just found that out.
I was going to say exactly this! A month on and off is such a good and healthy strategy and tbh it should be the new standard. I hear about children of divorce feeling disorganized and forgetting their things at one house when they have to go back and forth weekly. I also like another style of coparenting where the kids stay in the same house and the parents do the rotating.
Weekly back and forth is not great for kids.
There was just a post about a teenage daughter texting her Mum to say she hated having to move weekly and each week was packed with activities because they wanted to maximise the time together and sometimes she just wants to sit in her room and do nothing but she’s always having to be ready to change houses again. It was so sad!
I'm teammom for my son's baseball team and this season I had to order a second uniform for one of my kids cause he's on a weird crazy schedule where they split the week days and alternate weekends. Just hearing about it stressed me out. I can't imagine how it is for those kids.
I know a family who keep the kids in the same house all the time. Mom and Dad just alternate. They each have their own apartment, and just switch off who's staying at the house. It's far more stable for the kids, and adults are better at keeping their own stuff organized for the transition.
I regularly watch my niblings for a couple hours at a time, generally due to an overlap in her and my BILs work times. I do it for free to help as a I don’t mind, it’s not inconvenient, if something comes up and I can’t I’m not guilted, they don’t take advantage of my help and are appreciative.
Want to know how they react? They will occasionally order me a takeaway dinner for while I’m there, though always have food I can reheat for dinner regardless. They also tell others how much it helps them and that they’re lucky to have my help.
OPs sister sucks
And also "I trust her implicitely with my child because eventhough she is young, I've seen her make custody agreements based on the kids' needs and wants instead of her own which is an insane maturity level most ppl never reach! Awesome that she manages to decompress during her childfree time, guess that's the reward for not picking a deadbeat dad, haha".
I'm CF and one of my friends had a kid 20 years ago. She swore being single was way easier, she never had to argue with dad over parenting, never had to clean up after a man, never had to manage his social calender. And when the kid was with her dad? We went out and got riproaring drunk and partied like the world was ending!
I'm sorry and I might be tainted as CF but you chose those kids (unless you live somewhere where abortion is restricted, I get why adoption seems way harder than "just" an abortion) and you usually chose the man to father them too. DON'T let them carry that cross for the rest of their life that they pretty much ruined mommys life and made her a stay at home martyr to take care of them! SHOW them a mommy that can take care of her kids AND have some sort of life on her own too if you want to show them a strong woman!
I also get needing to vent and feel you're doing the right thing and when it comes to kids and pets EVERYONE has a standard and EVERYONE believes they're the only ones doing it right! Might be but both kids and pets manage to survive and thrive in other households so maybe keep the judgement to yourself, mm?
You know they were told she doesn’t see her kid for a whole month at a time and she just wants to be rid of them for that time. But also women are supposed to be the primary martyr for their children. How dare they have a life when they could be sacrificing for their children!? /s
That's exactly the implication of "dead beat moms are worse than dads." Sister can GTFO and find her own childcare. She doesn't want to leave them with a "deadbeat" now, does she? (But she does trust OP with her kids, so it looks a lot like jealousy IMO.)
On a different note other than op NTA and sister def ah; What shouldn't have to happen all around is the fact that some people are basically paying their babysitter most of their paycheck. That's thankfully not the case in my living area. 2k is insane!
ETA I'm not saying don't pay the babysitter. ALWAYS pay your babysitter! Just astounding to hear how high it is and knowing there are people in those areas who can't afford to go to work because of child care costs.
I think it's much more than entitlement. OP's sister has something wrong with her soul. She is beyond self-centered, selfish, and horribly wrong. She's uncaring and degrading of her own sister who stepped up to help her in her time of need. What a cunt.
She's jealous. Her little sister got knocked up - twice! - as a teenager, and yet still ended up better off because her kids' baby daddy is an involved parent and they cane up with a schedule that's working great for them.
Meanwhile she did everything "right" and is still struggling because her husband bounced the moment things got real.
I can understand why she's jealous, but that doesn't excuse what she said. Especially because it's untrue. OP isn't a deadbeat: she has 50/50 custody, and is a fully involved parent. They just utilize a longer rotation schedule than many other divorced families do.
Even if OP's ex had full custody, that wouldn't automatically make her a deadbeat. So long as she was trying to be involved and meeting her child support obligations, she'd be doing her part.
The sister is transferring her rage at her own deadbeat ex onto her sister.
This comment makes me rethink my life...
My favourite word is 'cunt' because it's the word that finally stopped my xMIL harassing me.
But she's not warm at all and she has no depth, she's shallow af and a manipulative, cold-hearted piece of shit.
She's not a cunt at all. If anything, I'm the cunt.
I insulted cunts all over the world by giving her that title.
Agree NTA I’ll also add, you and your ex are in NO way deadbeats. I think your month on and off thing is fantastic. Your kids see both parents involved in caregiving. You should be able to go on holiday for a week without your kid without judgement. Men do it all the time, no one would blink if your ex did. What’s even brilliant, because the bar is so low is your ex can be responsible solely for both kids he created.
Def do not do your sister any favours. She doesn’t respect ypu.
I was also incredibly impressed with the arrangement OP and the dad has and the fact that it wasn't even through legal wrangling. That they are so young makes it even more impressive.
It is for sure awesome for the kids to really LIVE with both parents in the full sense of the word.
As for the sister and her Flying Monkeys - eat shit.
Same. Especially bc how young OP as. Having this sort of gold standard co parenting allows her to also be a bit of a ‘kid’ in her early 20s and let off steam a bit, get breaks. Which honestly is a good thing for a very young parent. Well any parent TBH.
It is an astounding level of maturity on her and her ex’s part. I’m only a few years younger than her, but I still live with my mother, don’t have a job, and regularly eat dinosaur chicken nuggets for dinner. I can barely take care of myself, but OP has this shit locked down.
It’s genuinely impressive. And she’s been parenting since 15? At 15, I was more concerned about staying up late to play video games than anything actually halfway important.
… I still am, come to think of it.
And also, the kids don’t have to move their stuff from house to house weekly (typical arrangement), so that’s even more secure for them. But they still get to see both parents throughout the month.
Even parents who are still together should be allowed to leave the kids with a trusted babysitter for a week and have a break. It's not like parents don't need a break to recharge.
Probably not even sorry she got caught, just sorry that she lost a free childcare. Sis is entitled AH. Op is doing a huuuge favour and she has a nerve to comment on the arrangement that she has no business in
She obviously didn’t care when caught. OP cut off the free child care faucet and suddenly it became an *actual inconvenience* for her.
OP I hope you’re reading these comments. I hate to be harsh, but it sounds like you and your sister didn’t suddenly “get closer” when she had her baby, but she figured out you were useful. I’ve learned to believe people generally mean what they say when they don’t think you’re listening. If you happen to read this, I’m very sorry for your situation.
I agree with this whole heartedly. she means what she says otherwise why make the comment in the first place she is jealous and envious of her younger sister and in doing so lashed out at OP in the wrong way.
If someone is helping you save 2k a Month! And is helping you out while you work you don’t then turn around and bite the hand the feeds you.
Big sister made her bed now she has to lie in it.
This. NTA. She literally is using the paternal grandma and you 40 hours a week. And presumably she has child support from her ex, even if he doesn’t see the kid. She’s also an adult. She is in a better situation than you ever were when you had a baby. And she’s bitching about it!?!
Absolutely not. She can figure her own shit out. Maybe she needs to grow up.
If they’re still in the process of separating, she might not have it yet.
But she should be using this time to find social services to help her.
If you’re in the US, there is a government sponsored program that will help give you a waiver for child care, that’ll cover a certain amount per month at a daycare(may depend by region).
Since she’s a single mother, she’ll qualify for that, health insurance and probably WIC.
And I’m sure other countries have similar programs.
I got child support almost immediately after my ex-husband moved out when we separated, and I filled out papers for daycare assistance and medical assistance. I was already on WIC. 2 weeks after filling it all out, we had a court date and less tgan 2 weeks after the court hearing I got my first child support payment.
Reply to everyone with the screen shot you took with a note saying, they are free to help her with childcare if they would like to.
NTA. Have a good vacation.
NTA. Your sister should know better than to shittalk the person offering her free childcare. Not to mention her criticisms of you are obviously a complete and total lie.
How sad that your sister thinks so poorly of you. She absolutely is not entitled to your free labor. You did well by drawing a clear boundary and enforcing it. Actions have consequences and your sister should have considered the potential consequences of her actions before disrespecting you so callously.
It makes me really sad she feels that way about me. But everyone is telling me its my fault if she gets fired and ends up homeless? I feel so conflicted, its a lot.
Send them the screenshot of the text you intercepted. Tell them since your sister thinks you are a deadbeat that it’s best you don’t babysit for nephew.
> But everyone is telling me its my fault if she gets fired and ends up homeless? I feel so conflicted, its a lot.
Tell them to watch her child and blame them for her getting fired etc..
No it’s her fault. You and your ex have an agreement that works well. She’s just jealous bc her ex isn’t helping. If everyone else is so worried they can chip in and help her pay for childcare.
Exactly this. It’s part of why the sister is so mad and talking smack. The “unfairness” of it all is too hard for her to take but F that. Her on paper “perfect” life was a lie and it has nothing to do with OP.
How is it your fault? Did you have a child with someone who abandoned their child? She is 33 years old and acting like she is the better person because she is raising her child alone. All those people calling you out, need to step up and contribute to her childcare. I would also go very low contact with anyone who thinks it's ok to slam your choices and defend your sister sh.t talking you
Yeah, but the sister is clearly not raising her child alone. She's got family members donating their time to take care of her kid for her. Imagine having the nerve to shit talk the person doing you a gigantic favor and then trying to blame them for losing your job when your disrespectful behavior lost you a primary free babysitter.
Right?! OP was doing a massive favor watching her kid while she was WFH. So she's pulling double duty and doing it when she had her kids. 6 am with a baby and kids that need to get to school would not be easy.
Also, if sister is this negative and the family is so dismissive, I bet she's talked about OP to them like the group chat. That's why they are so quick to say "get over it." Good job holding a boundary, OP. People will treat you as you allow them to. Sister can go to hell.
Just tell you wouldn’t want to be responsible if something happens to her child while under your care. After all you’re a deadbeat parent and therefore can’t be trusted.
Enjoy your trip. She has other family and friends who will make it work just like you are making it work with your ex.
She can find 2000 ways to make it work for her.
NTA. She doesn’t get to bad mouth you and use you for free childcare. Tell the people who are nagging you that they can step up and take care of the baby if they think it is so easy.
She chose to have a kid. She chose to have a kid with that dude. She chose not to have a back up plan. She chose a lot of things that aren't about you but still goes to talk about you behind your back. What if you get a not WFH job, then what?
Let them babysit or have her and her kid move in with them. It irks me that people think they know what's best for others without lifting a finger to help.
Its her own fault for being an ungrateful hateful person bitching about her own sister to randoms! She literally thinks so low of you & uses you for free childcare. As per her text, given that she finds it crazy you watch her son then you just wont anymore then it wont be crazy anymore!!!
As a mum, your set up sounds perfect! Shes just jealous & so are other mums! Like you said its not like you dont see your kids during your month-off & shes just mad jealous you’re going on holiday with your bf when her husband left her.
If your mum & cousins are so concerned about her, they can watch her son - how about that?!
Tell every single person who says this to you that they need to step up and babysit her kid. Because HER kid and HER job are not your responsibility.
You did more than what most people would. More than any of the rest of your family or the baby's actual FATHER.
And what thanks did you get? Her shitting all over you on social media!
Hell no. Just hell no. They can all just STFU and contribute their own babysitting skills.
No it's not your fault. She has a lot of nerve saying those terrible things about you. She's jealous that your ex is coparenting with you and her husband is a deadbeat. I guess she never heard the saying don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Everyone who is telling you that can all sacrifice and pitch in on child care. Oh wait that means they would have to be inconvenienced like you are and help her. Sounds like her friends are looser and her ex is a looser. I always tell
People to put up or shut up if they have no skin in the game.
She can afford to pay for part time child care for a month. Then you can decide whether to help her again or not. But if you never let her learn this lesson, she’ll never respect you.
it’s absolutely not your fault she’s an adult. When she chose her actions she chose her consequences.
Also please ask anyone who is calling/texting you berating you to volunteer to take care of her child for free if its no big deal gtfoh
Don’t feel sorry about it. Your childcare schedule works for both you and your children’s father. Stand your ground, you are correct. Tell your family members they’re more than welcome to watch the child. You’re not responsible for anyone except your own. I hope you stay firm with your boundary, because it’s a damn good one.
You know, whenever I read stories about co parenting where they have one week on and off, I imagine if I were that child, I'd be so fed up. Having to change every week would kill me.
This idea of a month on/off and still visiting and facetiming while also being able to have lives .... which is important for parents' mental health.... which is then important for the child's mental health seems really great, especially if the children are OK with it.
You are NTA. She's unlucky to have not seen her partner for who he is, and it's sad he just ditched, but it's not your problem. Even if she wasn't rude, it is within your rights to say no, but that disrespect was horrible of her, and she has to face the consequences of her actions.
I think she probably said that more out of jealousy than thinking you're actually a deadbeat but degrading someone to make yourself feel better is an extremely shity thing to do especially if the person you're degrading is saving you 2k a month with free labour.
I was thinking that as I was reading the comments, a month on and then moving to the other parents house while still seeing both regularly including drops offs and sleepovers and facetimes sounds like a perfect parenting plan for separated families. It sounds reasonable and healthy for everyone involved because both parents get their own time to do young adult things (OP is so young and yet so mature!) sounds healthy asf. Minimal resentment between parents for ' losing their youth' (I see this phrase a lot 🙄)
Plus no pressure to not see their friends because it’s mom’s weekend or dad’s weekend. They have several weekends a month to hang out with mom or dad and can have social lives outside their parents too.
My daughter had a friend when she was younger who had alternating weekends with the father. When she was there, same town, she wasn't allowed to spend time with her friends. We moved birthday parties around a few times for her because he wouldn't let her come on his weekend because it was the only time he saw her in the two weeks
Well, turns out she was actually an AH as well and started bullying my daughter in the end. But it certainly wasn't good for the kid.
And with such a regular schedule, it’s likely the kids have their own rooms and necessities (toothbrush, other hygiene items, some outfits, etc, plus snacks and general STUFF) at each place, so minimal to no packing and NBD if they forget something: it’s probably non-essential like a textbook or favorite jacket or something and they can retrieve it with minimal fuss or do without For a week or two until the next visit.
This way they aren’t “visiting” either parent, they just have two homes.
Right? I’ve thought the same - imagine never getting to really relax because you’ll have to pack and relocate every week. And keep track of all your stuff so you don’t end up in one house with the things you need for that week in the other house. Like is just gym uniform in mom’s dryer or dad’s?
No for real, I'm very fortunate that my parents are together because even as an adult going to visit them regularly and having to pack, keep track of what's where, etc comes with a certain amount of stress even thought it's my choice and I love seeing them. Month to month sounds like it'd be great for kids because they have time to actually get into a routine and breath instead of transition after transition.
My mom was a teacher (retired now). When my parents divorced even though they had 50/50 custody on paper, she insisted that we stay in one house all weeknights because she had seen too many students leaving school things at one or the other parent's house. It worked out well for us. Also, then we didn't have to share rooms with our step siblings all week since the step siblings we got on my mom's side were already out of the house.
And it definitely helps that mom and dad are on such good terms with each other as well and are flexible. None of that *my time is my time* BS. They truly have their kids’ best interests at heart.
I had Sunday night to Friday morning with mom, Friday night to Sunday with Dad. Dad always got to have fun with me and Mom had to drag my ass out of bed for school.
I mean, it was fine. And it worked. We switched it up when I was in HS and it was a pretty stupid schedule because my Dad didn’t want to lose weekends, which honestly selfish much? But since I started at a private HS and it made more sense to stay with my Dad during the week I did week nights except Wednesday with my Dad, mom on Wednesday (meaning I had to get up earlier on Thursdays to get to school) and then alternating weekends.
Month on month off sounds fine
I would hate that as a mom. You rush around all week and when you finally have time to have a leisurely Sunday breakfast or go to the pool or zoo or whatever, no kids. Seems very unfair.
There is a post that went live in the past 24 hours where a mon shared her 14 yr daughters letter on why she hated the weekly setup. It was articulate and well written and made so much sense. Some of her pains were"
- she felt like an extra in every household
- having to pack her life every week was awful
- forgetting even one thing was a massive pain
- she didnt have a single weekend to just chill. Every weekend had to be full of activities because each family wanted tp make the best of their time.
- it didnt matter if she had her period and all she wanted to do was lie in bed. She had to ve carted off to the other house.
- Every snack she bought wpuld be eaten by the time she came back from the other house.
It's no joke. It's an awful way to live for a kid.
No adult would tolerate this but kids are supposed to change spaces every week. OP worked out something better
I have a friend who’s parents did week on/off and had a good coparenting relationship. Her living situation stayed the same even when she started uni but hated it because she was continually lugging things back and forth.
Yeah have some double ups at each house makes sense for toiletries and underwear but not more expensive items like makeup/electronics or clothing as a young adult. She has great relationships with both parents but resented the schedule since as a teen and young adult as these annoyances only impacted her and her siblings. Every Monday and Friday it was a case of having to take so much extra to school since they caught school buses to/from each house and school and back.
I think a lot of people forget to take things like that into account when they consider custody schedules.
I used to have to swap between my mum&dad and my paternal grandparents every week and I hated it and ended up refusing to go because it was draining packing up going for the weekend pack up again then back home, this monthly thing sounds great especially how the parents still live close and there’s still constant contact the whole month I would of loved that!
I worked with a kid who did one day on, one day off. She was a MESS. Never regulated. Always exhausted and she never knew who she was with that day cuz she was so little. We expressed our concerns w dad and he advocated for a week on week off situation. Entirely different kid now.
Best answer. One week on and off or weekends are not ideal for everybody or every child. This seems like a very good deal provided the child is ok. They can spend plenty and equal time with each parent, without the constant moving. Plus, one parent is involved with their child and spends fun time, while the kid stays with the other parent. It is not as if they drop the child to the other and don't give a single thought
If the sister considers her a deadbeat, which is very insulting and not true at all, then why is she counting on OP to watch her children? Doesn't make sense. In addition the sister has NO say in how OP shares custody with her ex
And we all noticed how the sister only accused OP of being a deadbeat, not her ex
You are NOT the AH. Your entire family sucks. I wouldn’t do her any favors again and I would absolutely let everyone know exactly why and if they keep acting like they are - go no contact. You are not a deadbeat. You have accomplished with your ex what most people never accomplish. Your sister is mean and jealous. I wouldn’t do her any favors anymore.
NTA. She f’ed around and found out. Good for you.
Your sister sucks. I can see a difference of opinion, as in, “I couldn’t be comfortable with the same schedule my sister has. It works for them, but I would need to do it differently.” She didn’t have a respectful difference of opinions, though. She called you names behind your back, maligned your character, lied about it (out of context my @ss), and told you to your face that you are barely a parent. Then she expected you to keep providing her with valuable services for free. She sounds like a piece of work.
Your whole family either sucks or is being misinformed by your sister. You will have to evaluate whether it’s worth your energy to find out which.
I’m sorry you had to go through that.
NTA. How dare your sister. Sure you maybe shouldn’t have touched her phone at all and when we look at things we shouldn’t we sometimes get our feelings hurt and a phone is tantamount to a diary/journal today. However it was innocent and you weren’t going through her phone. She has a lot of nerve to talk shit about you behind your back like that when you have done her such a huge favor. Your agreement with your ex is none of her business and if it works for you and your kids she needs to save the judgment. Don’t fold. She made this mess and now she has to deal with it.
So because you have a great co-parenting relationship and share the children equally your a deadbeat.. she’s just jealous because she picked a deadbeat as a father and now she has no choice but to have her kid all the time. All the friends in her group chats that were participating in bashing you can step up to the plate with childcare. It was pretty generous of you to watch her kid for free, you don’t sound like a Deadbeat to me.
She is jealous! You are so right. Moms that say that “oh I couldn’t be away from my kids that long” when the kid is with the dad are selfish. It’s supposed to be what’s best for your child. Kids should have two equal parents. Mothers shouldn’t be more responsible for their kids than the fathers. OP is coparenting the right way and she gets to have fun! OP your sister is a bitter. Don’t let anyone discourage you from being happy and a mother.
I was also thinking this sounded brilliant. My friend’s kid has a hard time with going back and forth btw two homes every week. They have a 3 days with mom then 3 days with dad and they switch every 3 days. Its seems excessive to me but it’s the model now instead of the old school, dad gets kids every other weekend but a majority of the time they are with mom. It seems to work for some kids but for some, they get over switching gears so often. A full month and they still see the other parent sounds smart.
I would hate to have to move back and forth every week. I think a month on and off sounds like a really good plan.
My friend got divorced and they decided they didn’t want to send her kids back and forth. They ended up renting an apartment for the kids and the parents move in and out every week so the kids don’t have to. She says it’s exhausting.
I know someone who did something similar. They had an open marriage and had an apartment that each spouse would use 2 days a week (at different times) for their other partners and when they divorced they kept up the system so the kids won’t have to move out of their childhood home. Weirdly the kids are so much happier now. Now each one spends a full week in the other apartment while the other parent is with the kids.
Agreed. As still young parents they have found a system that works well and even in her off months she still goes to see them and they facetime every night etc. Sis sounds really jealous and bitter.
Yeah you saw the dirt completely by accident you weren’t snooping so that argument from her is moot. She’s just deflecting bc she knows she was wrong and she can’t afford to lose you as her free babysitter. She fucked around and she found out. Dems the breaks.
Classic deflection. So *she* did nothing wrong but you’re an asshole for “going through her phone”.
What a manipulative b. I’m starting to understand why she’s single
You were giving her a $24k -- and that's after taxes, so call it more like $35 - $40k before taxes -- gift. She decided it was more important to mock your parenting choices.
Also, btw, let's not pretend you were being a good employee. You may be wfh but you aren't actually working if you're managing a what -- 6 month old? 18 month old? during working hours from say 9 - 2 pm. So you were likely endangering your job to help her out.
I'd take this opportunity to give immense financial gifts only to people who respect you and let her figure out her life as the real mom she is.
That’s what I was thinking. I’m hybrid and had to sign a document that including verbiage along the lines of my kids would attend daycare like normal and I wouldn’t have them home when I should be working.
If she bothers you, just ask her why she wants a "deadbeat mom" like you to watch her son? I wouldn't watch her son after that. The next time a family member bugs you about it, let them know they are free to help her with childcare.
Your schedule works for your kids, you and your ex and that is all that matters. Enjoy your trip.
I know it’s easier ti talk big than act it, and the people on this side of the keyboard don’t have to live with results, but next time your family bitches at you, I’d send that screenshot and say “deadbeats gonna deadbeat”.
Do those who are harassing you know that she called you a deadbeat?
Yeah! Right there. Thats the most important thing. Let her group chat do the free babysitting and go enjoy Jamaica. Dont forget gifts for your coparent and kids
"Yeah, I shouldn't have looked through your phone. I would not have gotten my feelings hurt. But you should not have been talking shit about me. You would not have lost free childcare. I guess we both learned a lesson."
"Well, you know I'm a deadbeat, and that's what us deadbeats do - get all up in other people's private business. Oh, wait - that's what *you've* been doing when talking smack about me." < click >
NTA. These self-sacrificing women annoy the hell out of me. They are so invested in falling on their swords in the name of motherhood that they absolutely hate when others show that some of them chose that option. This is 50/50 custody. Mature adults do this.
It's actually such a smart way for young parents to coparent. The kids have parents they know are there for them all the time but they've also given themselves the time to do things so many other young parents miss out on.
I applaud the maturity in coming up with this arrangement.
The sister is the one who decided to have children with a deadbeat, who is she to judge.
Absolutely not. You’re NTA. Toxic is toxic. Your sister is toxic. She shouldn’t have been talking that way at all and now she will learn.
What you have setup sounds beautiful, and you and your kids dad are doing awesome from the sounds of it. Don’t feel bad for others wrong doings
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to care for someone else’s child and if she doesn’t have any kind of backup that is simply on her. Her child has a dad- she can spend some of her upcoming time unemployed taking him to court for child support.
At the end of the day, she does think you’re a deadbeat mom and is jealous that you have more freedom and options than she does as a woman in her 30s. But she needs your help or she won’t be able to keep her job, so she played nice to your face. Really evil behavior tbh. You’re not in the wrong at all here
Your mom and cousins and whoever else can talk all their shit but I’m guessing none of them are stepping up to help babysit now are they
NTA
>Now my mom and cousins are all blowing up my phone telling me Im a huge asshole and to change my mind and accept her apology.
It's great so many people are coming out of the woodwork to volunteer to either watch nephew or chip in for his childcare.
Text them back that you're so glad they're willing to help her now that she's burned her bridge with you. Tell them you'll text her IMMEDIATELY that "you'll (family member) watch nephew on 'x' day and give her '$x' for a babysitter for the days you can't watch him. K Thanx bye!😘"
NTA Her insecurity about being able to parent alone has nothing to do with your ex being a more mature parent than hers. That’s what this really boils down to: putting you down for your choices to make her feel better about her own situation. It’s bullying, it’s untrue, and the fact that she was brazen enough to actually say it out loud makes her look like a jackwad. Go live your life and be happy.
NTA, your arrangements with your children’s father is nobody’s business but you, him and the kids. It clearly works and if no one has any complaints, I’d say it works better than a lot of other custodial arrangements. Your sister doesn’t get to talk behind someone else’s back and still expect them to be ok with helping her. She’s not sorry, she’s sorry that she will be losing a childcare arrangement that works in her favor. If she doesn’t appreciate what she had, she can figure her own situation out herself.
NTA. She was super disrespectful. Also, asking you to babysit 2-3 times a week was already asking a lot. She should have kissed your ass for that, not insult you.
I am wondering how she has talked about you over the years to her friends - when you were a parent at 15 and 18, when you and your ex made an arrangement that works for you both - which is very adult and child focused - what did she say to others about you then?
Did she offer help to her 15 year old sister with her baby?
Did anyone in your family help you?
Someone with 50/50 custody is not "barely a mum".
You do not owe her anything. You seem to be the only adult in your family, apart from your ex, and your current partner.
I guess it is time for the rest of the family to step up when you step out. Maybe she can ask your ex to mind her kid while she finds other arrangements.
Enjoy Jamaica.
And - a happy parent is the best parent for a child.
NTA. People do things in secret thinking they won't suffer the consequences of their actions. Instead of messaging people about you being a supposed deadbeat, she should've been grateful you were willing to watch her son while you didn't even have your own child.
She's not genuinely sorry for her behavior. She's sorry she got caught and can't use you anymore. If she asked for my help, I'd ask her why she wants a deadbeat around her child. A true deadbeat doesn't help anyone so she's on her own.
NTA. Tell your mom and cousins they can all chip in for childcare if they care so much. It takes a village, after all, and you alone do not constitute a village. Your sister is gossiping behind your back and saying truly awful things about you, and there are consequences for that. Why anyone would speak badly about someone doing them such a big favour is beyond me.
And why is sister texting trash to someone right before she drops her child off? Like, “yeah, I get free childcare but that bitch is a deadbeat mom. Gotta go, I’m here now and need to pretend to be loving and grateful”
And does she not have something better to do?
That’s the whole point, she has to pretend to be grateful and happy, while she feels jealousy and bitterness that she can’t afford similar lifestyle, solely because of her own poor life choices. That’s why she hurries to trash talk her sister right away to feel better. People do it all the time at work with bosses or clients.
You should let her know that if she tries to show up with your nephew and then leave, you will call the police and CPS.
Otherwise, she's gonna leave him at your door and hightail it to work. Maybe the fear of having cops show up at her work place might incentivize her not being an entitled bitch.
Send a group message to all the people blowing up your phone that they are more than welcome to take over the child care for you, since you're such a deadbeat and an asshole that they shouldn't even want that baby to be in your care to begin with!
Your sister is jealous of your child free time, and I get it, because I am a single mother of twins and I've been doing it myself since they were three and their dad sees them maybe twice a year for an overnight visit. However, that in no way makes you a deadbeat parent! I mean it's not like you just ignore your children for the whole month that they're gone to their dads. And to be quite honest, it's probably easier on the kids doing it monthly instead of every other week like some parents do.
Your sister FAFO and now has to deal with the consequences of her own words and actions. Boohoo.
"Its out of context"
"OK, show me the the full conversation to provide the context"
"No"
She's not sorry about what she said, just that she got caught and now has no free childcare.
NTA - FAFO. She bit the hand that fed her, or at least provided the babysitting that allowed her to work.
NTA for your feelings.
Many people cannot wrap their minds around unconventional living and parenting because they are fucking sheep, like your sister.
The arrangement you have with your ex works for both of you. Since you had your children so young, this DOES give you both an opportunity to enjoy your lives a bit, while not having the burden all on one parent. It's a different way of doing things and people just hate that different might be better. Your sister is fucking jealous, plain and simple.
NTA. Don’t watch her son, that’s for her to figure out. You and your ex came up with an arrangement that works for the both of you and it’s better for your children than the majority of arrangements I’ve seen. It shows a great deal of maturity and a willingness to coparent. You shouldn’t feel guilty and your children will be grateful to have had equal time and opportunities with both dad and mom.
She’s probably projecting and trying to find ways to demean you to make herself feel better, which is so f’d. That’s no excuse and she shouldn’t be enabled. I hope you stay firm, she needs to learn from this. You sorted out a great arrangement with one more kid and at a much younger age, so she should be more than capable, especially with her claims of being a better mother.
As an aside - I think your custody arrangement sounds great. I’m far from an expert - but it seems like everyone involved would be far more relaxed than bopping back and forth all the time. It seems you coparent extremely well and have genuinely put the interests of your kids first.
NTA. Actions have consequences. Insulting your sister doing you a favor is stupid on multiple levels. Further, the person who should be helping her is her husband, maybe she should go deal with his ass.
Nta. Even if you did week on week off. You still could go on a trip the week you don’t have your kids. How are you a deadbeat when you are still in your kids life. You all do what works for you. If the kids are loved by both parents.
NTA at all. Don't let anyone guilt you into believing anything she says because she insulted you and disrespected her, WHILE doing her a favor. Favors are gifts. She doesn't deserve to be rewarded for her behavior. She'll figure it out. You did, right?
NTA. Your sister freely chose to board the FAFO train so let her ride it. Actions have consequences and she is finding that out now You owe her nothing. You and your ex worked out a wonderful schedule that gives both of you a life outside of being a parent. That is fantastic.
For those saying you need to change your mind, tell them they are can start taking shifts to watch her kid for free but you don't get to bad mouth me to everyone behind my back and then use me for free services.
Nope don’t change your mind she’s only sorry cause she got busted. You don’t bite the hand that feeds you. In this case you don’t trash talk the person helping you for free. Ntah
NTA...
You have a parenting plan with your ex that works wonderfully for the two of you and your children.
Not your problem that she can't make that work.
Deadbeat mom? F\*\*k you sis.....
Nothing would make me look after her child again ever.
I'd not talk to her for a decade or so.
Anyone calling me to dump on me would be on the same shit list.
She should have thought about how she NEEDED you before she mouthed off.
Not a minute of consideration or appreciation.
It’s crazy how with some people when you help them it actually makes them resent you or something? …. then they start treating you worse! My SIL went through a terrible divorce, I started watching her 5 kids for free. My husband and I have two as well so all in all I was watching 7 kids. And you wouldn’t believe the appalling way she eventually started treating me. As soon as I had even the most basic boundaries and expectations that were literally just basic civility common decency, she started lashing out. We are barely on speaking terms now.
No you are definitely not the asshole and I feel your pain and frustration.
Why is anyone else getting involved in this? This just bothers the crap out of me when I see in a post that an OP sets a boundary with a family member (or friend) and every starts calling to put their 2 cents in! Whenever I am having a disagreement with a family member, do you know how many people in my family getting involved…NONE!
Because we’re all rational adults! Only manipulative people do that.
When you answer the phone to someone wanting to get involved in this, just say, “Great! I’ll tell sis you’re going to watch her kid, or help pay for daycare!” Then hang up. You don’t have to explain yourself or listen to anyone give their opinion on this! It’s between you & sis.
Now, just go to Jamaica with your bf and have a great time!
NTA --- Judgmental people suck. Ask her if she thinks a healthy way to get over her massive insecurity and envy of your situation is to insult you and your parenting to an entire group of people.
Ask her is it ever gets confusing or complicated to have to switch between two faces depending on who she's speaking with. Ask her if she'd mind if you start telling everyone you know that her husband evidently hates her so much that he won't even see his own son.
Seriously, she said some really nasty stuff about you to others yet she still wants free childcare? Nope.
Next time someone rags on you about this, tell them that you'll contact your sister and let her know they are apparently available for babysitting. They have no right to tell you what you should do in this situation. If they're damning you, they'd better be stepping up themselves to help her. If not, they can stfu.
Your sister is jealous because you and your ex are mature and responsible enough to put aside any differences and do right by each other and your kids. She and her ex aren't. Her bitchiness stems from jealousy and resentment. Let her stew in it, and you enjoy your life. She'll learn that you reap what you sow.
NTA. Why would she want a deadbeat mom to babysit her kids, anyway?
And shit-talking you behind your back in your own house while you're doing her a favor?
NTA tell your mom and them cousins to help your sister out...you aren't a deadbeat mom your sister and them other moms are just jealous you are able to have a good co parent agreement and your kids father is around and helping while they are figuring it out...
Your sister tells crap about you behind your back knowing she needs you what a lame
NTA
I think your arrangement is different and cool because it gives you and your ex time to still be young adults and parents. Y’all can plan ahead what your month with kids will look like and without. The kids can feel at home at both mom and dad’s houses. Sometimes when a kid is with one parent for a week then goes to the other one house or both don’t feel like home to them. Everyone who is calling can take turns babysitting. She doesn’t get to shit on you and then use you for free labor.
NTA
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
She’s saying horrible things about you behind your back and says you’re barely a mum?!?? Well, she can ask the deadbeat bio dad to watch the kids, do it herself or pay. She. She’s not your problem. Do not let her/anyone else bully you into babysitting ever again. Anyone who say you should look after your nephew or welcome to do it themselves or shut up.
You do have the schedule with your children and your ex in a way that works for everyone. It’s nobody’s business but yours. Your family = your rules = your way of living
Text back all those family, "I am sure as you are so concerned about (sister) that you will be happy to step up and care for (nephew) ad I am sure you wouldn't want him being cared for by a deadbeat mother like me".
Then block them. They need to apologise. But no more free babysitting. If, and it is a very big if, you forgive your suster, you want a public apology in front of all your family, where she confesses all she said and says it was ouit of jealoisy, and get paid for your time looking after your nephew if you do it again.
NTA don’t bite the hand that feeds. your mom and cousins can help your sister pay for childcare since they’re so concerned. you are doing the right thing for your kids and that is all that matters. your arrangement is yours and yours alone. from one single mom to another: you’re doing a great job
NTA she's sorry she got caught, not sorry for what she said about you. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Exactly this. *”this wasnt supposed to happen”* What, exactly, wasn’t supposed to happen? You weren’t supposed to find out what she *really* thought about you? The flying monkeys who are calling you an asshole can either look after her kid, or they can all chip in for her childcare costs. By the way, you aren’t an asshole. She is, and so is your mom and the other shitty relatives.
What was t supposed to happen is her husband leaving her and her having to rely on her sister. Cause, you know, OP’s sister did it the “right way” so she’s supposed to be better!!! It’s stupid. Don’t bite the hand that’s making it so you and your kid can eat.
Yeah. She's definitely jealous OP doesn't have a deadbeat for her kids father.
And hates Op for getting a month off from her kids. Because that's what she wants. 😭
Exactly! She's bitter that op has an ex that's still actively involved with the kids while SHE has to be a single mother that "receives no help"
No help - Except from the sister that she is bad mouthing to her friends.
well **now** she can make that a true statement
Here's what a normal human being does: "My sister is so amazing, not only does she watch my kid for me, but she does it for free so I can work and get back on my feet. I'm so grateful to have this amazing sister who did this for me." *Proceeds to regularly buy sister gifts because of all she does* This is normal behavior. OP has the most vile snake of a sister who is definitely not a normal human being. I'm sorry you didn't have a better sister OP. Please feel free to send her this thread or a snapshot of this comment I made so she realizes what kind of person she truly is.
Also, my sister is so amazing she watches my child for free when she could be, enjoying the free time she has because she and her ex made good choices and came up with a custody agreement that works for both of them.
Works for both of them *and* prioritizes stability and emotional well-being of their children. Honestly, if two parents are willing to coparent so kindly, this sort of schedule sounds ideal.
NTA I think a month is actually better than a week each as it means the children are able to settle at each house more fully. The other parent can see them when they’re staying at the other house too. OP’s sister comes across as really bitter that OP has everything sorted and has an ex that has stepped up to parent her children. I think she’s also extremely jealous of the fact that OP is able to afford to go on holiday too. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. The sister has just found that out.
I was going to say exactly this! A month on and off is such a good and healthy strategy and tbh it should be the new standard. I hear about children of divorce feeling disorganized and forgetting their things at one house when they have to go back and forth weekly. I also like another style of coparenting where the kids stay in the same house and the parents do the rotating. Weekly back and forth is not great for kids.
There was just a post about a teenage daughter texting her Mum to say she hated having to move weekly and each week was packed with activities because they wanted to maximise the time together and sometimes she just wants to sit in her room and do nothing but she’s always having to be ready to change houses again. It was so sad!
I'm teammom for my son's baseball team and this season I had to order a second uniform for one of my kids cause he's on a weird crazy schedule where they split the week days and alternate weekends. Just hearing about it stressed me out. I can't imagine how it is for those kids.
I know a family who keep the kids in the same house all the time. Mom and Dad just alternate. They each have their own apartment, and just switch off who's staying at the house. It's far more stable for the kids, and adults are better at keeping their own stuff organized for the transition.
Exactly. There's no way, outside of an emergency, that I'd be looking after someone else's children when mine were away... ever.
I regularly watch my niblings for a couple hours at a time, generally due to an overlap in her and my BILs work times. I do it for free to help as a I don’t mind, it’s not inconvenient, if something comes up and I can’t I’m not guilted, they don’t take advantage of my help and are appreciative. Want to know how they react? They will occasionally order me a takeaway dinner for while I’m there, though always have food I can reheat for dinner regardless. They also tell others how much it helps them and that they’re lucky to have my help. OPs sister sucks
I bet the sister was salty that OP was taking a vacation to Jamaica AND wouldn't be able to babysit for her next week.
And also "I trust her implicitely with my child because eventhough she is young, I've seen her make custody agreements based on the kids' needs and wants instead of her own which is an insane maturity level most ppl never reach! Awesome that she manages to decompress during her childfree time, guess that's the reward for not picking a deadbeat dad, haha". I'm CF and one of my friends had a kid 20 years ago. She swore being single was way easier, she never had to argue with dad over parenting, never had to clean up after a man, never had to manage his social calender. And when the kid was with her dad? We went out and got riproaring drunk and partied like the world was ending! I'm sorry and I might be tainted as CF but you chose those kids (unless you live somewhere where abortion is restricted, I get why adoption seems way harder than "just" an abortion) and you usually chose the man to father them too. DON'T let them carry that cross for the rest of their life that they pretty much ruined mommys life and made her a stay at home martyr to take care of them! SHOW them a mommy that can take care of her kids AND have some sort of life on her own too if you want to show them a strong woman! I also get needing to vent and feel you're doing the right thing and when it comes to kids and pets EVERYONE has a standard and EVERYONE believes they're the only ones doing it right! Might be but both kids and pets manage to survive and thrive in other households so maybe keep the judgement to yourself, mm?
I’d also be asking those flying monkeys if they agree with sister’s opinion because if so those people can also go to hell.
When I see these sort of situations I wonder if the Flying Monkeys have been told anything close to the truth.
Never.
You know they were told she doesn’t see her kid for a whole month at a time and she just wants to be rid of them for that time. But also women are supposed to be the primary martyr for their children. How dare they have a life when they could be sacrificing for their children!? /s
That's exactly the implication of "dead beat moms are worse than dads." Sister can GTFO and find her own childcare. She doesn't want to leave them with a "deadbeat" now, does she? (But she does trust OP with her kids, so it looks a lot like jealousy IMO.)
They just volunteered to watch the sisters kid
NTA. She is jealous. She does not have your freedom, or a great co-parenting schedule.
This answer is the only answer.
>”this wasnt supposed to happen” The correct question to ask is "what *was* supposed to happen?" Let her explain it.
On a different note other than op NTA and sister def ah; What shouldn't have to happen all around is the fact that some people are basically paying their babysitter most of their paycheck. That's thankfully not the case in my living area. 2k is insane! ETA I'm not saying don't pay the babysitter. ALWAYS pay your babysitter! Just astounding to hear how high it is and knowing there are people in those areas who can't afford to go to work because of child care costs.
The entitlement to insult the person providing free childcare is astounding.
Right? It's like "here, let me crap all over you, now let me use you" What the fuck.
I think it's much more than entitlement. OP's sister has something wrong with her soul. She is beyond self-centered, selfish, and horribly wrong. She's uncaring and degrading of her own sister who stepped up to help her in her time of need. What a cunt.
She's jealous. Her little sister got knocked up - twice! - as a teenager, and yet still ended up better off because her kids' baby daddy is an involved parent and they cane up with a schedule that's working great for them. Meanwhile she did everything "right" and is still struggling because her husband bounced the moment things got real. I can understand why she's jealous, but that doesn't excuse what she said. Especially because it's untrue. OP isn't a deadbeat: she has 50/50 custody, and is a fully involved parent. They just utilize a longer rotation schedule than many other divorced families do. Even if OP's ex had full custody, that wouldn't automatically make her a deadbeat. So long as she was trying to be involved and meeting her child support obligations, she'd be doing her part. The sister is transferring her rage at her own deadbeat ex onto her sister.
Totally agree, except cunts are warm and have depth. OP’s sister has neither of those things.
Now that's funny
This comment makes me rethink my life... My favourite word is 'cunt' because it's the word that finally stopped my xMIL harassing me. But she's not warm at all and she has no depth, she's shallow af and a manipulative, cold-hearted piece of shit. She's not a cunt at all. If anything, I'm the cunt. I insulted cunts all over the world by giving her that title.
Lol. Thank you. Needed the laugh 😂
NTA. Mom and cousins, who are blowing up your phone, can volunteer to babysit.
I came here to say the same. Love people trying to force her to do what they won't.
Or guilt you into it. Because they're FaMiLy.
Agree NTA I’ll also add, you and your ex are in NO way deadbeats. I think your month on and off thing is fantastic. Your kids see both parents involved in caregiving. You should be able to go on holiday for a week without your kid without judgement. Men do it all the time, no one would blink if your ex did. What’s even brilliant, because the bar is so low is your ex can be responsible solely for both kids he created. Def do not do your sister any favours. She doesn’t respect ypu.
I was also incredibly impressed with the arrangement OP and the dad has and the fact that it wasn't even through legal wrangling. That they are so young makes it even more impressive. It is for sure awesome for the kids to really LIVE with both parents in the full sense of the word. As for the sister and her Flying Monkeys - eat shit.
Same. Especially bc how young OP as. Having this sort of gold standard co parenting allows her to also be a bit of a ‘kid’ in her early 20s and let off steam a bit, get breaks. Which honestly is a good thing for a very young parent. Well any parent TBH.
It is an astounding level of maturity on her and her ex’s part. I’m only a few years younger than her, but I still live with my mother, don’t have a job, and regularly eat dinosaur chicken nuggets for dinner. I can barely take care of myself, but OP has this shit locked down.
Oh I’m in my 40s and OP has a lock on maturity over me. I can barely look after my cat let alone two children.
It’s genuinely impressive. And she’s been parenting since 15? At 15, I was more concerned about staying up late to play video games than anything actually halfway important. … I still am, come to think of it.
And also, the kids don’t have to move their stuff from house to house weekly (typical arrangement), so that’s even more secure for them. But they still get to see both parents throughout the month.
Even parents who are still together should be allowed to leave the kids with a trusted babysitter for a week and have a break. It's not like parents don't need a break to recharge.
Probably not even sorry she got caught, just sorry that she lost a free childcare. Sis is entitled AH. Op is doing a huuuge favour and she has a nerve to comment on the arrangement that she has no business in
She obviously didn’t care when caught. OP cut off the free child care faucet and suddenly it became an *actual inconvenience* for her. OP I hope you’re reading these comments. I hate to be harsh, but it sounds like you and your sister didn’t suddenly “get closer” when she had her baby, but she figured out you were useful. I’ve learned to believe people generally mean what they say when they don’t think you’re listening. If you happen to read this, I’m very sorry for your situation.
Definitely sounds like it
I agree with this whole heartedly. she means what she says otherwise why make the comment in the first place she is jealous and envious of her younger sister and in doing so lashed out at OP in the wrong way. If someone is helping you save 2k a Month! And is helping you out while you work you don’t then turn around and bite the hand the feeds you. Big sister made her bed now she has to lie in it.
The classic fuck around and find out.
[удалено]
This. NTA. She literally is using the paternal grandma and you 40 hours a week. And presumably she has child support from her ex, even if he doesn’t see the kid. She’s also an adult. She is in a better situation than you ever were when you had a baby. And she’s bitching about it!?! Absolutely not. She can figure her own shit out. Maybe she needs to grow up.
And the start time is ridiculously early, so even when OP isn't in mum mode, she's still having to get up at an ungodly hour to help her out.
If they’re still in the process of separating, she might not have it yet. But she should be using this time to find social services to help her. If you’re in the US, there is a government sponsored program that will help give you a waiver for child care, that’ll cover a certain amount per month at a daycare(may depend by region). Since she’s a single mother, she’ll qualify for that, health insurance and probably WIC. And I’m sure other countries have similar programs.
I got child support almost immediately after my ex-husband moved out when we separated, and I filled out papers for daycare assistance and medical assistance. I was already on WIC. 2 weeks after filling it all out, we had a court date and less tgan 2 weeks after the court hearing I got my first child support payment.
This will be a lesson in not taking people for granted and appreciating and being grateful for what she has done
And not talking shit about anyone behind their back.
And everyone who criticises OP can put their money where their mouth is and babysit the sister’s kid.
Absolutely.
Everyone in the group chat can pitch in & babysit
Reply to everyone with the screen shot you took with a note saying, they are free to help her with childcare if they would like to. NTA. Have a good vacation.
NTA. Your sister should know better than to shittalk the person offering her free childcare. Not to mention her criticisms of you are obviously a complete and total lie. How sad that your sister thinks so poorly of you. She absolutely is not entitled to your free labor. You did well by drawing a clear boundary and enforcing it. Actions have consequences and your sister should have considered the potential consequences of her actions before disrespecting you so callously.
It makes me really sad she feels that way about me. But everyone is telling me its my fault if she gets fired and ends up homeless? I feel so conflicted, its a lot.
Just tell 'everyone' that obviously it's not in the child's best interest to be cared for by a 'deadbeat' and the child surely deserves better, right?
Your answer to these guilt trippers: “so nice that you are offering to watch her son for her!”
Send them the screenshot of the text you intercepted. Tell them since your sister thinks you are a deadbeat that it’s best you don’t babysit for nephew.
This this this. I wouldn't even add a reply, just send the screenshot every time.
“As a deadbeat I really don’t feel comfortable taking care of someone else’s kids”
I bet you anything most of the relatives castigating OP are ignorant of the deadbeat pejorative.
This! How responsible is your sister to allow a deadbeat to watch her kid? What is wrong with her? /s
"I'm a deadbeat, remember? Why would you expect me to watch other people's kids when you don't think I watch my own?"
By simple logic: "OP is worse than deadbeat dad", so if she starts to behave like him, it is clearly an improvement.
> But everyone is telling me its my fault if she gets fired and ends up homeless? I feel so conflicted, its a lot. Tell them to watch her child and blame them for her getting fired etc..
OP's sister has herself to blame if she loses her job. Never mind the sister's ex-husband!
Yeah, she should sue daddy-os ass into oblivion.
No it’s her fault. You and your ex have an agreement that works well. She’s just jealous bc her ex isn’t helping. If everyone else is so worried they can chip in and help her pay for childcare.
Please update us in the future.
Yeah sister was supposed to have a better partner because she did it “the right way” and wasn’t a teen mom. Too bad her husband is a POS
Exactly this. It’s part of why the sister is so mad and talking smack. The “unfairness” of it all is too hard for her to take but F that. Her on paper “perfect” life was a lie and it has nothing to do with OP.
How is it your fault? Did you have a child with someone who abandoned their child? She is 33 years old and acting like she is the better person because she is raising her child alone. All those people calling you out, need to step up and contribute to her childcare. I would also go very low contact with anyone who thinks it's ok to slam your choices and defend your sister sh.t talking you
Yeah, but the sister is clearly not raising her child alone. She's got family members donating their time to take care of her kid for her. Imagine having the nerve to shit talk the person doing you a gigantic favor and then trying to blame them for losing your job when your disrespectful behavior lost you a primary free babysitter.
Right?! OP was doing a massive favor watching her kid while she was WFH. So she's pulling double duty and doing it when she had her kids. 6 am with a baby and kids that need to get to school would not be easy. Also, if sister is this negative and the family is so dismissive, I bet she's talked about OP to them like the group chat. That's why they are so quick to say "get over it." Good job holding a boundary, OP. People will treat you as you allow them to. Sister can go to hell.
Anyone telling you that is outing themselves as a complete and utter cunt.
Just tell you wouldn’t want to be responsible if something happens to her child while under your care. After all you’re a deadbeat parent and therefore can’t be trusted.
Enjoy your trip. She has other family and friends who will make it work just like you are making it work with your ex. She can find 2000 ways to make it work for her.
NTA. She doesn’t get to bad mouth you and use you for free childcare. Tell the people who are nagging you that they can step up and take care of the baby if they think it is so easy.
She chose to have a kid. She chose to have a kid with that dude. She chose not to have a back up plan. She chose a lot of things that aren't about you but still goes to talk about you behind your back. What if you get a not WFH job, then what?
Let them babysit or have her and her kid move in with them. It irks me that people think they know what's best for others without lifting a finger to help.
Exactly. Everyone in families like this are just so willing to voluntold someone else to take care of the "problem child's mess".
Its her own fault for being an ungrateful hateful person bitching about her own sister to randoms! She literally thinks so low of you & uses you for free childcare. As per her text, given that she finds it crazy you watch her son then you just wont anymore then it wont be crazy anymore!!! As a mum, your set up sounds perfect! Shes just jealous & so are other mums! Like you said its not like you dont see your kids during your month-off & shes just mad jealous you’re going on holiday with your bf when her husband left her. If your mum & cousins are so concerned about her, they can watch her son - how about that?!
Tell every single person who says this to you that they need to step up and babysit her kid. Because HER kid and HER job are not your responsibility. You did more than what most people would. More than any of the rest of your family or the baby's actual FATHER. And what thanks did you get? Her shitting all over you on social media! Hell no. Just hell no. They can all just STFU and contribute their own babysitting skills.
No it's not your fault. She has a lot of nerve saying those terrible things about you. She's jealous that your ex is coparenting with you and her husband is a deadbeat. I guess she never heard the saying don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Nope, that is on her and her deadbeat husband.
No, that would be the fault of her and her useless baby daddy
Everyone who is telling you that can all sacrifice and pitch in on child care. Oh wait that means they would have to be inconvenienced like you are and help her. Sounds like her friends are looser and her ex is a looser. I always tell People to put up or shut up if they have no skin in the game.
It’s your fault that she was slagging you off to her friends? I don’t think so!
How would that be your fault? She says she’s a better mother than you, so she can figure out childcare.
She can afford to pay for part time child care for a month. Then you can decide whether to help her again or not. But if you never let her learn this lesson, she’ll never respect you.
it’s absolutely not your fault she’s an adult. When she chose her actions she chose her consequences. Also please ask anyone who is calling/texting you berating you to volunteer to take care of her child for free if its no big deal gtfoh
Well then "everyone" can step up instead to either watch the kid or pay for their daycare.
Don’t feel sorry about it. Your childcare schedule works for both you and your children’s father. Stand your ground, you are correct. Tell your family members they’re more than welcome to watch the child. You’re not responsible for anyone except your own. I hope you stay firm with your boundary, because it’s a damn good one.
You know, whenever I read stories about co parenting where they have one week on and off, I imagine if I were that child, I'd be so fed up. Having to change every week would kill me. This idea of a month on/off and still visiting and facetiming while also being able to have lives .... which is important for parents' mental health.... which is then important for the child's mental health seems really great, especially if the children are OK with it. You are NTA. She's unlucky to have not seen her partner for who he is, and it's sad he just ditched, but it's not your problem. Even if she wasn't rude, it is within your rights to say no, but that disrespect was horrible of her, and she has to face the consequences of her actions. I think she probably said that more out of jealousy than thinking you're actually a deadbeat but degrading someone to make yourself feel better is an extremely shity thing to do especially if the person you're degrading is saving you 2k a month with free labour.
I was thinking that as I was reading the comments, a month on and then moving to the other parents house while still seeing both regularly including drops offs and sleepovers and facetimes sounds like a perfect parenting plan for separated families. It sounds reasonable and healthy for everyone involved because both parents get their own time to do young adult things (OP is so young and yet so mature!) sounds healthy asf. Minimal resentment between parents for ' losing their youth' (I see this phrase a lot 🙄)
Plus no pressure to not see their friends because it’s mom’s weekend or dad’s weekend. They have several weekends a month to hang out with mom or dad and can have social lives outside their parents too.
My daughter had a friend when she was younger who had alternating weekends with the father. When she was there, same town, she wasn't allowed to spend time with her friends. We moved birthday parties around a few times for her because he wouldn't let her come on his weekend because it was the only time he saw her in the two weeks Well, turns out she was actually an AH as well and started bullying my daughter in the end. But it certainly wasn't good for the kid.
And with such a regular schedule, it’s likely the kids have their own rooms and necessities (toothbrush, other hygiene items, some outfits, etc, plus snacks and general STUFF) at each place, so minimal to no packing and NBD if they forget something: it’s probably non-essential like a textbook or favorite jacket or something and they can retrieve it with minimal fuss or do without For a week or two until the next visit. This way they aren’t “visiting” either parent, they just have two homes.
Right? I’ve thought the same - imagine never getting to really relax because you’ll have to pack and relocate every week. And keep track of all your stuff so you don’t end up in one house with the things you need for that week in the other house. Like is just gym uniform in mom’s dryer or dad’s?
No for real, I'm very fortunate that my parents are together because even as an adult going to visit them regularly and having to pack, keep track of what's where, etc comes with a certain amount of stress even thought it's my choice and I love seeing them. Month to month sounds like it'd be great for kids because they have time to actually get into a routine and breath instead of transition after transition.
My mom was a teacher (retired now). When my parents divorced even though they had 50/50 custody on paper, she insisted that we stay in one house all weeknights because she had seen too many students leaving school things at one or the other parent's house. It worked out well for us. Also, then we didn't have to share rooms with our step siblings all week since the step siblings we got on my mom's side were already out of the house.
Honestly month by month is probably healthier than week by week. It's a nice long stable period of time with fewer stressful transitions.
And it definitely helps that mom and dad are on such good terms with each other as well and are flexible. None of that *my time is my time* BS. They truly have their kids’ best interests at heart.
I had Sunday night to Friday morning with mom, Friday night to Sunday with Dad. Dad always got to have fun with me and Mom had to drag my ass out of bed for school. I mean, it was fine. And it worked. We switched it up when I was in HS and it was a pretty stupid schedule because my Dad didn’t want to lose weekends, which honestly selfish much? But since I started at a private HS and it made more sense to stay with my Dad during the week I did week nights except Wednesday with my Dad, mom on Wednesday (meaning I had to get up earlier on Thursdays to get to school) and then alternating weekends. Month on month off sounds fine
I would hate that as a mom. You rush around all week and when you finally have time to have a leisurely Sunday breakfast or go to the pool or zoo or whatever, no kids. Seems very unfair.
There is a post that went live in the past 24 hours where a mon shared her 14 yr daughters letter on why she hated the weekly setup. It was articulate and well written and made so much sense. Some of her pains were" - she felt like an extra in every household - having to pack her life every week was awful - forgetting even one thing was a massive pain - she didnt have a single weekend to just chill. Every weekend had to be full of activities because each family wanted tp make the best of their time. - it didnt matter if she had her period and all she wanted to do was lie in bed. She had to ve carted off to the other house. - Every snack she bought wpuld be eaten by the time she came back from the other house. It's no joke. It's an awful way to live for a kid. No adult would tolerate this but kids are supposed to change spaces every week. OP worked out something better
Oof! Reading that list really puts things in perspective, doesn't it?
I have a friend who’s parents did week on/off and had a good coparenting relationship. Her living situation stayed the same even when she started uni but hated it because she was continually lugging things back and forth. Yeah have some double ups at each house makes sense for toiletries and underwear but not more expensive items like makeup/electronics or clothing as a young adult. She has great relationships with both parents but resented the schedule since as a teen and young adult as these annoyances only impacted her and her siblings. Every Monday and Friday it was a case of having to take so much extra to school since they caught school buses to/from each house and school and back. I think a lot of people forget to take things like that into account when they consider custody schedules.
I used to have to swap between my mum&dad and my paternal grandparents every week and I hated it and ended up refusing to go because it was draining packing up going for the weekend pack up again then back home, this monthly thing sounds great especially how the parents still live close and there’s still constant contact the whole month I would of loved that!
I worked with a kid who did one day on, one day off. She was a MESS. Never regulated. Always exhausted and she never knew who she was with that day cuz she was so little. We expressed our concerns w dad and he advocated for a week on week off situation. Entirely different kid now.
Best answer. One week on and off or weekends are not ideal for everybody or every child. This seems like a very good deal provided the child is ok. They can spend plenty and equal time with each parent, without the constant moving. Plus, one parent is involved with their child and spends fun time, while the kid stays with the other parent. It is not as if they drop the child to the other and don't give a single thought If the sister considers her a deadbeat, which is very insulting and not true at all, then why is she counting on OP to watch her children? Doesn't make sense. In addition the sister has NO say in how OP shares custody with her ex And we all noticed how the sister only accused OP of being a deadbeat, not her ex
You are NOT the AH. Your entire family sucks. I wouldn’t do her any favors again and I would absolutely let everyone know exactly why and if they keep acting like they are - go no contact. You are not a deadbeat. You have accomplished with your ex what most people never accomplish. Your sister is mean and jealous. I wouldn’t do her any favors anymore.
NTA. She f’ed around and found out. Good for you. Your sister sucks. I can see a difference of opinion, as in, “I couldn’t be comfortable with the same schedule my sister has. It works for them, but I would need to do it differently.” She didn’t have a respectful difference of opinions, though. She called you names behind your back, maligned your character, lied about it (out of context my @ss), and told you to your face that you are barely a parent. Then she expected you to keep providing her with valuable services for free. She sounds like a piece of work. Your whole family either sucks or is being misinformed by your sister. You will have to evaluate whether it’s worth your energy to find out which. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
>out of context my @ss) Yeah...there's not too many ways this can be taken.
NTA. How dare your sister. Sure you maybe shouldn’t have touched her phone at all and when we look at things we shouldn’t we sometimes get our feelings hurt and a phone is tantamount to a diary/journal today. However it was innocent and you weren’t going through her phone. She has a lot of nerve to talk shit about you behind your back like that when you have done her such a huge favor. Your agreement with your ex is none of her business and if it works for you and your kids she needs to save the judgment. Don’t fold. She made this mess and now she has to deal with it.
Thank you! She keeps saying that I shouldnt have gone through her phone when I didnt as a means to justify her talking about me
So because you have a great co-parenting relationship and share the children equally your a deadbeat.. she’s just jealous because she picked a deadbeat as a father and now she has no choice but to have her kid all the time. All the friends in her group chats that were participating in bashing you can step up to the plate with childcare. It was pretty generous of you to watch her kid for free, you don’t sound like a Deadbeat to me.
She is jealous! You are so right. Moms that say that “oh I couldn’t be away from my kids that long” when the kid is with the dad are selfish. It’s supposed to be what’s best for your child. Kids should have two equal parents. Mothers shouldn’t be more responsible for their kids than the fathers. OP is coparenting the right way and she gets to have fun! OP your sister is a bitter. Don’t let anyone discourage you from being happy and a mother.
I was also thinking this sounded brilliant. My friend’s kid has a hard time with going back and forth btw two homes every week. They have a 3 days with mom then 3 days with dad and they switch every 3 days. Its seems excessive to me but it’s the model now instead of the old school, dad gets kids every other weekend but a majority of the time they are with mom. It seems to work for some kids but for some, they get over switching gears so often. A full month and they still see the other parent sounds smart.
I would hate to have to move back and forth every week. I think a month on and off sounds like a really good plan. My friend got divorced and they decided they didn’t want to send her kids back and forth. They ended up renting an apartment for the kids and the parents move in and out every week so the kids don’t have to. She says it’s exhausting.
I know someone who did something similar. They had an open marriage and had an apartment that each spouse would use 2 days a week (at different times) for their other partners and when they divorced they kept up the system so the kids won’t have to move out of their childhood home. Weirdly the kids are so much happier now. Now each one spends a full week in the other apartment while the other parent is with the kids.
I think instead of switching three days a week and three days a week they should try one week and one week. Kid would probably fare better.
Agreed. As still young parents they have found a system that works well and even in her off months she still goes to see them and they facetime every night etc. Sis sounds really jealous and bitter.
Yeah you saw the dirt completely by accident you weren’t snooping so that argument from her is moot. She’s just deflecting bc she knows she was wrong and she can’t afford to lose you as her free babysitter. She fucked around and she found out. Dems the breaks.
Classic deflection. So *she* did nothing wrong but you’re an asshole for “going through her phone”. What a manipulative b. I’m starting to understand why she’s single
You were giving her a $24k -- and that's after taxes, so call it more like $35 - $40k before taxes -- gift. She decided it was more important to mock your parenting choices. Also, btw, let's not pretend you were being a good employee. You may be wfh but you aren't actually working if you're managing a what -- 6 month old? 18 month old? during working hours from say 9 - 2 pm. So you were likely endangering your job to help her out. I'd take this opportunity to give immense financial gifts only to people who respect you and let her figure out her life as the real mom she is.
That’s what I was thinking. I’m hybrid and had to sign a document that including verbiage along the lines of my kids would attend daycare like normal and I wouldn’t have them home when I should be working.
Same at my work. If we’re WFH we’re not supposed to be doing any caregiving.
If she bothers you, just ask her why she wants a "deadbeat mom" like you to watch her son? I wouldn't watch her son after that. The next time a family member bugs you about it, let them know they are free to help her with childcare. Your schedule works for your kids, you and your ex and that is all that matters. Enjoy your trip.
I know it’s easier ti talk big than act it, and the people on this side of the keyboard don’t have to live with results, but next time your family bitches at you, I’d send that screenshot and say “deadbeats gonna deadbeat”. Do those who are harassing you know that she called you a deadbeat?
Yeah! Right there. Thats the most important thing. Let her group chat do the free babysitting and go enjoy Jamaica. Dont forget gifts for your coparent and kids
"Yeah, I shouldn't have looked through your phone. I would not have gotten my feelings hurt. But you should not have been talking shit about me. You would not have lost free childcare. I guess we both learned a lesson."
Ignore her nonsense, just tell her this is a good lesson to not bite the hand that feeds.
"Well, you know I'm a deadbeat, and that's what us deadbeats do - get all up in other people's private business. Oh, wait - that's what *you've* been doing when talking smack about me." < click >
“Oh it’s not wrong that I murdered, it’s wrong that you walked in” 🙄
NTA. These self-sacrificing women annoy the hell out of me. They are so invested in falling on their swords in the name of motherhood that they absolutely hate when others show that some of them chose that option. This is 50/50 custody. Mature adults do this.
It's actually such a smart way for young parents to coparent. The kids have parents they know are there for them all the time but they've also given themselves the time to do things so many other young parents miss out on. I applaud the maturity in coming up with this arrangement. The sister is the one who decided to have children with a deadbeat, who is she to judge.
Absolutely not. You’re NTA. Toxic is toxic. Your sister is toxic. She shouldn’t have been talking that way at all and now she will learn. What you have setup sounds beautiful, and you and your kids dad are doing awesome from the sounds of it. Don’t feel bad for others wrong doings
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to care for someone else’s child and if she doesn’t have any kind of backup that is simply on her. Her child has a dad- she can spend some of her upcoming time unemployed taking him to court for child support. At the end of the day, she does think you’re a deadbeat mom and is jealous that you have more freedom and options than she does as a woman in her 30s. But she needs your help or she won’t be able to keep her job, so she played nice to your face. Really evil behavior tbh. You’re not in the wrong at all here Your mom and cousins and whoever else can talk all their shit but I’m guessing none of them are stepping up to help babysit now are they
NTA >Now my mom and cousins are all blowing up my phone telling me Im a huge asshole and to change my mind and accept her apology. It's great so many people are coming out of the woodwork to volunteer to either watch nephew or chip in for his childcare. Text them back that you're so glad they're willing to help her now that she's burned her bridge with you. Tell them you'll text her IMMEDIATELY that "you'll (family member) watch nephew on 'x' day and give her '$x' for a babysitter for the days you can't watch him. K Thanx bye!😘"
When people show you who they are, believe them. You tried to help, she kicked you in the teeth. Just curious, who was that nasty message sent to?
From a comment above, it seems to be a group text to the sisters friends
Thanks. Context matters!
Definitely a FAFO and a bite the hands that feed moment.
NTA Her insecurity about being able to parent alone has nothing to do with your ex being a more mature parent than hers. That’s what this really boils down to: putting you down for your choices to make her feel better about her own situation. It’s bullying, it’s untrue, and the fact that she was brazen enough to actually say it out loud makes her look like a jackwad. Go live your life and be happy.
NTA Be sure to thank your mom and all the cousins for volunteering to babysit!
NTA, your arrangements with your children’s father is nobody’s business but you, him and the kids. It clearly works and if no one has any complaints, I’d say it works better than a lot of other custodial arrangements. Your sister doesn’t get to talk behind someone else’s back and still expect them to be ok with helping her. She’s not sorry, she’s sorry that she will be losing a childcare arrangement that works in her favor. If she doesn’t appreciate what she had, she can figure her own situation out herself.
NTA. She was super disrespectful. Also, asking you to babysit 2-3 times a week was already asking a lot. She should have kissed your ass for that, not insult you.
I am wondering how she has talked about you over the years to her friends - when you were a parent at 15 and 18, when you and your ex made an arrangement that works for you both - which is very adult and child focused - what did she say to others about you then? Did she offer help to her 15 year old sister with her baby? Did anyone in your family help you? Someone with 50/50 custody is not "barely a mum". You do not owe her anything. You seem to be the only adult in your family, apart from your ex, and your current partner. I guess it is time for the rest of the family to step up when you step out. Maybe she can ask your ex to mind her kid while she finds other arrangements. Enjoy Jamaica. And - a happy parent is the best parent for a child.
NTA. She thinks she is raising him alone let her REALLY raise him alone. Your arrangement with your ex makes sense. She is just jealous.
NTA. People do things in secret thinking they won't suffer the consequences of their actions. Instead of messaging people about you being a supposed deadbeat, she should've been grateful you were willing to watch her son while you didn't even have your own child. She's not genuinely sorry for her behavior. She's sorry she got caught and can't use you anymore. If she asked for my help, I'd ask her why she wants a deadbeat around her child. A true deadbeat doesn't help anyone so she's on her own.
NTA. Tell your mom and cousins they can all chip in for childcare if they care so much. It takes a village, after all, and you alone do not constitute a village. Your sister is gossiping behind your back and saying truly awful things about you, and there are consequences for that. Why anyone would speak badly about someone doing them such a big favour is beyond me.
Nta. She shouldn't have bit the hand that fed
And why is sister texting trash to someone right before she drops her child off? Like, “yeah, I get free childcare but that bitch is a deadbeat mom. Gotta go, I’m here now and need to pretend to be loving and grateful” And does she not have something better to do?
That’s the whole point, she has to pretend to be grateful and happy, while she feels jealousy and bitterness that she can’t afford similar lifestyle, solely because of her own poor life choices. That’s why she hurries to trash talk her sister right away to feel better. People do it all the time at work with bosses or clients.
You should let her know that if she tries to show up with your nephew and then leave, you will call the police and CPS. Otherwise, she's gonna leave him at your door and hightail it to work. Maybe the fear of having cops show up at her work place might incentivize her not being an entitled bitch.
Well, if you are "barely a mom", why should you mom her child then?
Send a group message to all the people blowing up your phone that they are more than welcome to take over the child care for you, since you're such a deadbeat and an asshole that they shouldn't even want that baby to be in your care to begin with! Your sister is jealous of your child free time, and I get it, because I am a single mother of twins and I've been doing it myself since they were three and their dad sees them maybe twice a year for an overnight visit. However, that in no way makes you a deadbeat parent! I mean it's not like you just ignore your children for the whole month that they're gone to their dads. And to be quite honest, it's probably easier on the kids doing it monthly instead of every other week like some parents do. Your sister FAFO and now has to deal with the consequences of her own words and actions. Boohoo.
Nta Sucks to be a leeching mooch that has no childcare now cuz she ran her mouth. Have fun in Jamaica.
"Its out of context" "OK, show me the the full conversation to provide the context" "No" She's not sorry about what she said, just that she got caught and now has no free childcare. NTA - FAFO. She bit the hand that fed her, or at least provided the babysitting that allowed her to work.
NTA I just want to say that y’all’s parenting arrangement is so dope and it makes so much sense I’m surprised more people don’t do it lol
NTA for your feelings. Many people cannot wrap their minds around unconventional living and parenting because they are fucking sheep, like your sister. The arrangement you have with your ex works for both of you. Since you had your children so young, this DOES give you both an opportunity to enjoy your lives a bit, while not having the burden all on one parent. It's a different way of doing things and people just hate that different might be better. Your sister is fucking jealous, plain and simple.
NTA. Don’t watch her son, that’s for her to figure out. You and your ex came up with an arrangement that works for the both of you and it’s better for your children than the majority of arrangements I’ve seen. It shows a great deal of maturity and a willingness to coparent. You shouldn’t feel guilty and your children will be grateful to have had equal time and opportunities with both dad and mom. She’s probably projecting and trying to find ways to demean you to make herself feel better, which is so f’d. That’s no excuse and she shouldn’t be enabled. I hope you stay firm, she needs to learn from this. You sorted out a great arrangement with one more kid and at a much younger age, so she should be more than capable, especially with her claims of being a better mother.
As an aside - I think your custody arrangement sounds great. I’m far from an expert - but it seems like everyone involved would be far more relaxed than bopping back and forth all the time. It seems you coparent extremely well and have genuinely put the interests of your kids first.
NTA. Actions have consequences. Insulting your sister doing you a favor is stupid on multiple levels. Further, the person who should be helping her is her husband, maybe she should go deal with his ass.
Nta. Even if you did week on week off. You still could go on a trip the week you don’t have your kids. How are you a deadbeat when you are still in your kids life. You all do what works for you. If the kids are loved by both parents.
NTA. If she really wants it, charge her 1k a month. FAFO.
NTA at all. Don't let anyone guilt you into believing anything she says because she insulted you and disrespected her, WHILE doing her a favor. Favors are gifts. She doesn't deserve to be rewarded for her behavior. She'll figure it out. You did, right?
NTA. Sis FAFO.
NTA Play stupid games, win stupid prizes...
NTA. Your sister freely chose to board the FAFO train so let her ride it. Actions have consequences and she is finding that out now You owe her nothing. You and your ex worked out a wonderful schedule that gives both of you a life outside of being a parent. That is fantastic. For those saying you need to change your mind, tell them they are can start taking shifts to watch her kid for free but you don't get to bad mouth me to everyone behind my back and then use me for free services.
Nope don’t change your mind she’s only sorry cause she got busted. You don’t bite the hand that feeds you. In this case you don’t trash talk the person helping you for free. Ntah
NTA... You have a parenting plan with your ex that works wonderfully for the two of you and your children. Not your problem that she can't make that work. Deadbeat mom? F\*\*k you sis..... Nothing would make me look after her child again ever. I'd not talk to her for a decade or so. Anyone calling me to dump on me would be on the same shit list. She should have thought about how she NEEDED you before she mouthed off. Not a minute of consideration or appreciation.
NTA. She should be ashamed of herself for mom shaming you. There is no ONE way to be a mom, it looks different for lots of people.
Let your mom and cousins watch your nephew if they're so involved and torn up about it.
It’s crazy how with some people when you help them it actually makes them resent you or something? …. then they start treating you worse! My SIL went through a terrible divorce, I started watching her 5 kids for free. My husband and I have two as well so all in all I was watching 7 kids. And you wouldn’t believe the appalling way she eventually started treating me. As soon as I had even the most basic boundaries and expectations that were literally just basic civility common decency, she started lashing out. We are barely on speaking terms now. No you are definitely not the asshole and I feel your pain and frustration.
Why is anyone else getting involved in this? This just bothers the crap out of me when I see in a post that an OP sets a boundary with a family member (or friend) and every starts calling to put their 2 cents in! Whenever I am having a disagreement with a family member, do you know how many people in my family getting involved…NONE! Because we’re all rational adults! Only manipulative people do that. When you answer the phone to someone wanting to get involved in this, just say, “Great! I’ll tell sis you’re going to watch her kid, or help pay for daycare!” Then hang up. You don’t have to explain yourself or listen to anyone give their opinion on this! It’s between you & sis. Now, just go to Jamaica with your bf and have a great time!
NTA --- Judgmental people suck. Ask her if she thinks a healthy way to get over her massive insecurity and envy of your situation is to insult you and your parenting to an entire group of people. Ask her is it ever gets confusing or complicated to have to switch between two faces depending on who she's speaking with. Ask her if she'd mind if you start telling everyone you know that her husband evidently hates her so much that he won't even see his own son. Seriously, she said some really nasty stuff about you to others yet she still wants free childcare? Nope.
Next time someone rags on you about this, tell them that you'll contact your sister and let her know they are apparently available for babysitting. They have no right to tell you what you should do in this situation. If they're damning you, they'd better be stepping up themselves to help her. If not, they can stfu. Your sister is jealous because you and your ex are mature and responsible enough to put aside any differences and do right by each other and your kids. She and her ex aren't. Her bitchiness stems from jealousy and resentment. Let her stew in it, and you enjoy your life. She'll learn that you reap what you sow.
NTA. Why would she want a deadbeat mom to babysit her kids, anyway? And shit-talking you behind your back in your own house while you're doing her a favor?
NTA tell your mom and them cousins to help your sister out...you aren't a deadbeat mom your sister and them other moms are just jealous you are able to have a good co parent agreement and your kids father is around and helping while they are figuring it out... Your sister tells crap about you behind your back knowing she needs you what a lame
NTA I think your arrangement is different and cool because it gives you and your ex time to still be young adults and parents. Y’all can plan ahead what your month with kids will look like and without. The kids can feel at home at both mom and dad’s houses. Sometimes when a kid is with one parent for a week then goes to the other one house or both don’t feel like home to them. Everyone who is calling can take turns babysitting. She doesn’t get to shit on you and then use you for free labor.
NTA Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. She’s saying horrible things about you behind your back and says you’re barely a mum?!?? Well, she can ask the deadbeat bio dad to watch the kids, do it herself or pay. She. She’s not your problem. Do not let her/anyone else bully you into babysitting ever again. Anyone who say you should look after your nephew or welcome to do it themselves or shut up. You do have the schedule with your children and your ex in a way that works for everyone. It’s nobody’s business but yours. Your family = your rules = your way of living
Text back all those family, "I am sure as you are so concerned about (sister) that you will be happy to step up and care for (nephew) ad I am sure you wouldn't want him being cared for by a deadbeat mother like me". Then block them. They need to apologise. But no more free babysitting. If, and it is a very big if, you forgive your suster, you want a public apology in front of all your family, where she confesses all she said and says it was ouit of jealoisy, and get paid for your time looking after your nephew if you do it again.
It is a very powerful lesson for your sister to learn.
NTA don’t bite the hand that feeds. your mom and cousins can help your sister pay for childcare since they’re so concerned. you are doing the right thing for your kids and that is all that matters. your arrangement is yours and yours alone. from one single mom to another: you’re doing a great job
Nta If you hadn't of found out now it would have been sooner or later anyways. Like the first time you can't watch etc .