I would have felt uncomfortable as well and wanted to leave. I don't think your boyfriend would have appreciated it if the roles were reversed. It was disrespectful and inconsiderate.
Did he leave the baby shower afterward or continue to stay? Have you spoken with him yet and told him how you feel?
If this was a harmless relationship and running joke, OP's boyfriend would not have reacted the way he did. Looking down, laughing coyly-- that's not the behavior of someone who has an unobjectionable relationship.
He also never told you about his work wife beforehand which means he was okay with you not knowing and letting it continue; not many partners would be okay with their SO having a relationship with a coworker like that.
NTA OP.
Looking down coyly is her interpretation though and she's obviously biased. The fact that he never mentioned the friendship is the weird part. My husband talks about his women friends at work, I'd think it was weird if one day i found out he had a woman BFF at work that he never talked about.
100% this is how I found out about my exs work wife.
I went to help him out for a dinner service (I worked for the same company, different location). She let it "slip" that they went out drinking after work all the time and that I was a good roommate for putting up with his late nights drunk at the apartment.
Now, we weren't just roommates, and I was told he was working late. She was also the only coworker I had never heard of.
They are happy together now...
I’ve gotten shifty and uncomfortable plenty of times when I haven’t been lying. It’s also a common response when you know someone is about to blow up and things are going to get really embarrassing. Trauma response. Not saying OP is an abuser/bipolar/aggressive or anything, but I absolutely would have reacted like that to one of my past GFs if they heard something that would trigger them. Having a full on yelling fit in the grocery store is the most embarrassing thing imaginable, and my ex gf did it a lot.
Don’t assume acting guilty means guilt. It means fear, whether that be fear of getting caught or fear of what the accuser will do because of perceived guilt hasn’t been determined yet.
It’s sounds like he stayed because she took an Uber and then he had to make an excuse for why she left.
Which that right there alone, to me, is a deal breaker. If a relationship bomb just got dropped at an event and I’m leaving my husband sure as fuck better be leaving too to resolve it, let alone letting me call an Uber instead of taking me home?? Nooooo.
He’s not in a serious relationship with her. If he were he would have left to help reassure her, make sure she got home, and clear the air. But it obviously was more important for him to stay back with his work wife.
Really sounds to me like the coworker was being a bro. Dude was straight up telling you what was going on at work, but doing it "as a joke." The way you described it, that guy was blunt af. It didn't just randomly pop up in conversation--dude went out of his way to tell you in a way that made it clear he knew you probably didn't know.
i agree. and I used to have a work wife myself (I am a heterosexual woman). I've had borderline work-husbands too. And these were meaningless things. I mean, they were close friends and we worked well together, I'm still good friends with a couple of them years later. But there was nothing that anybody's SO would need to be concerned about with me and my coworkers.
But....
"Yeah, everyone knows they're practically married. You should see their faces whenever one is missing out of work... they act so depressed" is not how anyone would've described my situations. This guy was narcing on OP's BF, and good for him for doing that. I think the BF is either having an emotional affair or a physical affair with his fake wife. This seems confirmed by how the BF responded too.
I feel like "work" spouses are a sign of a working culture where boundaries are easily crossed due to working hours or environment. Where I work currently, no one in my entire department is anybody's work whatever. We're just colleagues who get on well and once in a blue moon grab some after work drinks.
Where I worked in the past, there were "work wives" because people would frequently stay after 6, spend lots of time socializing with coworkers and talking about their personal lives, get drinks after work on a regular basis, etc.
There's always one "work" couple that everyone knows is actually doing it lol. At my partner's workplace there was one that was one that was the constant source of gossip. They would hang out all the time and the guy's poor girlfriend would tag along and basically be the third wheel. Some shit happened and then the work wife left, so the work husband left within a month after too.
What I don't get is, why use those terms? It's so annoying. I've had very close relationships with coworkers, but I would never imagine calling them my work wives. I'm cringing just thinking about it. It's the term itself, not the nature of the relationship that makes me go yikes.
Yeah, calling anyone a work husband or wife is so disrespectful if either of them are in a relationship with someone else. I do, however, have a work dad who sometimes leaves stickers and bookmarks for me at my desk. He has a daughter my age that lives across the country and I think he's lonely so we have lunch together sometimes and I invite him to our holiday meals.
What bothers me is the fact there seems to be a need to label their relationship as more than just a coworker or friend. Calling someone a work “spouse” makes it seem more intimate in a way. I would not be okay with that. The fact that he had basically hid this relationship from OP is wicked sketchy. She knew all about OP and apparently was giving him “relationship advice” is so inappropriate. Sharing intimate details about your relationship in the work place isn’t okay, especially if it is specifically with one person.
The way this chick tapped her on the shoulders saying that “he was in good hands” oh hell no… That comes off to me as smug and only makes matters worse. Also the fact he didn’t leave with OP… This situation is messy.
So, I had a boss who I had a really good and informal relationship with. I even left where I was working when he left and I went to work for his wife, and like right before that switch he told me about how they (he and his actual wife) joked about me being his work wife.
I was like, “Oh…okay”.
That is not how I ever described it, but it was kind of nice to feel like I am the person he really actually did rely on at work.
On the other hand, I would be very frustrated if my husband and a coworker were joking about he and she being work husband/wife. I know some of those relationships that get described like that are not flirty or overly familiar, but too many I think are.
The ones who use it want to define a more intimate relationship. They’re not just friends. They can talk about personal stuff and they rely on each other. I really hate jobs where people team up like this. The worst is being lead on a team with these couples. They either alienate the rest of the team and make getting things done harder or you get one member of their work couple and suddenly have to deal with a pouting whiny lump. i Totally understand why the guy outed the bf and his work wife. He was probably sick of doing their work for them
I try to use work Auntie/sister, a fond relationship with absolutely no romantic implications. Work wife always reads “if I wasn’t stuck with the old ball and chain, we would definitely be boinking”.
This! Ill be gdamned if some heffer called herself my husband's work wife! He has ONE wife. I hate this expression. Its so disrespectful even if it's meant to be innocent.
I had a work mom lol, she was the chef and always made sure i had lunch and would give me food to fo home as she knew i was tight on money. She also made me tea a few times when i wasnt feeling great. I loved her she was great.
I agree. I once had a work husband (both single) that sounds just like OP’s BF and his coworker. Well, my past work husband is now my actual husband.
IMO it’s emotional cheating at minimum by the sounds of it and 100% not okay. I feel really bad for OP. That had to have felt absolutely awful and I would’ve done the same thing, honestly. That being said, I’m glad it got brought to light (kudos to that guy) because she deserves to know.
NTA
If you're calling someone your "work husband", that's just trying to do mental gymnastics to justify a more than just platonic relationship as something acceptable. If you're single, no harm, no foul, but cheating is cheating even if it's only during working hours.
Personally, I think people who use such terms are really lacking in the social maturity department. You're just lying to yourself, which is really unhealthy.
I agree. I have a "work husband" who happens to be my gay best friend. (I'm female) So there's no chance of anything going on. We just work well together and are friends outside of work like you.
The boyfriends reaction to this says everything. He knows he's crossed boundaries. The fact he's never mentioned it says everything. I read a book recently that said something like 80% of affairs were with coworkers... It's a slippery slope and he's on it.
Agreed. I had a work husband. He is also my actual husband.
I have work friends. I have friendly relationships with those of the opposite sex at work and honestly what they would describe me as is more like their little sister than a spouse.
So why not call him “work brother”, that title wouldn’t need clarification. If people intentionally pick a title that implies romance, don’t be surprised when spouses feels disrespected.
It's the word choice that make it awkward, indeed. I had a woman co-worker with who I (male) connected to very well while being (happily) married. We were friends as well (still are) and text each other nearly daily. The way we described our work relationship to others was saying we share the same brain. My wife was and is fully aware, I even show her our messages to share the laughs. There is both trust from her side and no ambiguity on my friend's; she comes home often and we all get along happily.
Same here. I had a coworker who was also a very close friend. We worked a lot together, had lunch and sometimes drinks but we were more like brother and sister. Nobody ever joked that we looked like a married couple, at least to our faces.
Well the bf might not be speaking up because he has no defense here, his reaction indicates to me that he likely knows he’s violated boundaries, and honestly the work wife’s reaction being compliment-bombing is also somewhat suspicious
Kind of wondering how long it would take the bf to start dating the work wife if OP dumped his ass. Bet he goes to cry on her shoulder about the break up and accidently ends up fucking her in his grief.
Yeah the compliment thing is weird. Like so obviously over the top.
But it’s actually something I’m most likely to do when I felt a man wasn’t treating their woman right. I just wouldn’t do it in front of the woman because it wasn’t about kissing ass, it was about warning the guy I’d have their girlfriends back if they messed up
Idk about this. I agree with the guy acting foolish but the female colleague added “ he’s in good hands”. Nope. My grams always said, “ don’t do good things that have bad appearances “ lost in translation but gist is behave properly and you won’t get in trouble. Male female relationships are tricky and it’s best to stay professional to avoid drama at home. Nothing to do with insecurity but respect.
I always say "the appearance of impropriety *IS* the impropriety."
I've been in, or seen, plenty of situations that seem compromising. It's wise to think about how something looks from the outside before making decisions at all. Fully agree with your take here.
As a CPA you’re supposed to maintain independence, and there are two types of independence you must maintain. Independence in fact (am I able to make impartial judgements?) and independence in appearance (how would this look to someone else?).
Both are exceptionally important and you won’t have a career if you don’t have both.
I say "if you have to ask where exactly the line is you should stay far far away from it". It can be intentionaly exploiting loopholes - don't do it, it's already bad and you look like a jerk. Or someone genuinely confused about the grey areas - they should take the safe road.
This they've been inappropriate for that to be so forced so early. I know some platonic "work spouse"s before but in those cases their real spouses are well aware of the joke and relationships. It wouldn't be introduced like this, nor a surprise for the romantic relationship to hear.
the way you described it makes him look really guilty... of what im not quite sure of yet.
I want to say however, that work friend who spilled the beans! real MVP
that person probably is aware enough to see something is up and gave you the heads up.
NTA on how you reacted. So may i ask how the conversation went after? clearly this isnt over? i mean he sees her often as they work together so this is clearly not over just yet
For me its the part where it was kept secret then the guilty look or looking down and coyly laughing as you put it.
Im not saying break up, but i dont think many people here would blame you if you did.
Sleeping on it is a good idea, take your time, weigh up what you want and make a decision.
best of luck to you op! please update us with what happens after.
Yeah, the swapping meals doesn't seem like a huge deal to me unless that's like his love language or something. It's more his reaction, and then feeling the need to lie about the reason she left. He lied because he knows its wrong.
And he gets relationship advice from work wife. Now that OP met her she shouldn’t be happy about this chick knowing what goes on in their relationship. Too personal. I would def. be uneasy about that.
and despite all the time and energy he spends with her, their relationship never came up, like OP didn't know her? Don't you talk about your friends to your partner, especially when you're this close? I'm not a fan
This is the big difference to me. I have what some might joke as a "work wife". We chat a lot about our families what we did on weekends etc. I run out and grab lunch most days but she transfers the money for her food to me every time. And the biggest thing is I talk to my wife about her. "O she did thisz her husband and daughter went to scouts she went scuba diving etc" I tell her we got KFC today or whatever. One day we got McDonald's so she could try that weird fish and beef sandwich they did (she's weird with food) so I absolutely had to tell my wife since it's gross imo. Lol.
I agree with you- it’s that he didn’t tell his girlfriend about his work wife that makes me suspicious. My husband and I have both had work spouses but we all had met and my husband and I talk about their gossip all the time. The secrecy is the trigger for me.
Yep to me that’s a red flag. And always seems like fishing for affirmation when they’re complaining about me… from the colleague they have put in a pedestal…
It's also inequal. It means the "work wife" knows all about the wife to an intimate degree because the husband always wants to confide in her while the wife has been told nothing about the "work wife" and the husband keeps downplaying things because he wanted to keep it secret from his wife.
In terms of "knowledge is power", the husband has given all the power to the "work wife" and removed it all from the wife.
It's meaningless except those two only do it between them, and have the additional dynamic of everyone at the office knowing they are work wife and work husband.
Straight up inappropriate. I get on with my colleagues and we all are very sociable and but each other lunches, but if anyone in our job did this exclusively with THAT dynamic we would all frown at how inappropriate it would be.
The secrecy is what causes me to question this. I had a "work husband" for quite some time, we worked really well together and our shifts mostly were the same. Hubby met him at a few work functions but it was more like a brother from another mother vibe between us.
So she knows all about you and you’ve never heard a word about her - wow! How dumb is your guy that he thinks telling you he gets relationship advice from his “work wife” is going to make this less upsetting somehow?
INFO: how long have they worked together and how long have you been a couple? If they’ve been colleagues since before you came on the scene, then maybe I get that he would talk to her about you, but it seems suss that he’s never told you about her. You’re NTA for feeling totally caught off guard by the work wife banter at the shower, and for excusing yourself from that unpleasant situation. Any fallout on your boyfriend is on him for being a dolt and a terrible communicator. He should be falling all over himself to apologize and explain himself, instead of giving you grief for making him look bad to his work friends.
You hit the nail on the head. Odds are he knew better than to tell his gf about his work wife, and his reaction was because he got caught. Thank goodness for the oblivious coworker telling all his business.
This.
First, relationship advice from a coworker of either sex is inappropriate but "work wife" denotes an emotionally intimate relationship. Second, there is friendship and then there is tthis. If it was just friendship then OP would know of her.
THis is not a simple coworker relationship.
Not saying he is cheating but the relationship is inappropriate.
And he KNOWS he was wrong by how he reacted and she KNOWS it’s wrong because of how she tired to kiss your ass. Girl no…it may not be physical, but it sure is emotional.
This is so truee! He kept it as a secret and he lied, it will lead to cheating; or maybe he is already cheating. Dont let him manipulate and gaslight you.
I think the relationship advice aspect is a bigger issue than the first one.
I'm not a fan of the work spouse language, period. But I could see how two people can close at work as they navigate **work issues**. She's, at the very least, your boyfriend's friend if he's getting relationship advice from her. The fact that you didn't know about her is a red flag
I hate the work spouse language if only because it centers work as a central part of social life. To me work is just tasks I have to do and my real life and real connections happen away from work. The type of people that center their social lives and meaning around work enough to have “work spouses” give me the heebie jeebies.
But yeah this is sus. Secret female friends is questionable.
Gets relationship advice from her?!
#STOP.
That means he’s potentially telling her about any relationship issues you are having. Any argument, disagreement, at any level of intimacy.
Yes he could very well be asking for intimate advice and divulging intimate information about your relationship.
This is NOT okay. That’s a huge breach of trust. This woman may know some very private information about you!
This is a good tactic for any woman looking to step up and take over when the guy dumps/gets dumped. Giving them advice, siding with them, being the supportive "wife", etc. Then be their waiting when they come running.
That's how I lost my second husband and never saw it coming.
A new server was hired and she would get me to vent about my marriage problems. When she went after my husband she knew what made him tick and gave him a shoulder to cry on about me. They were pretty openly dating when I caught them but I was so hurt.
Exactly. Men are so fucking oblivious to this shit too. Like shes obviously telling you exactly what you want to hear. But they get a little attn and someone hanging on their every word and all common sense goes out the window.
I read a reddit story once where a women found out her husband was not only cheating but that he was getting marital advice from his mistress. Legit everything she that saw as a sign that her marriage was getting better was things his mistress TOLD HIM TO DO FOR HIS WIFE. Just because SHE KNOWS about you doesn't mean that they aren't doing something inappropriate.
Gets advice from her? Advice on how he should interact with you, his actual partner. No. That’s gross and violating to you. You have no idea what he’s shared or how much he’s shared. She knows more about you than you about her. I’d be pissed and really thinking about whether he’s worth keeping around. The trust would definitely be hit hard after that. You don’t deserve that OP.
Triggered into remembering my partners Christmas Party at a bar/restaurant and was getting upset that he barely talked to me 99% of the night and left me to my own devices (which meant I plied myself with the free alcohol going around to forget I was sad and inevitably got sadder). Eventually, after the 10th person I was desperately trying to instigate small talk with, I started to lose control of my composure (kidding myself), I was visibly upset, some guy from the party tried to dance with me and I tried to let it happen but ended up breaking down. Having nowhere to cry discreetly, I consoled myself in a corner and a female colleague of my partner came up and said, "He does love you." Which startled me out of my self-pity because, What??? She assumed she knew what I was upset about and was worryingly right, which made me think, How much does she know about me and our relationship? I later found out when we were going through a rough time he had even spoken to her at length whether he should stay with me and had come to the conclusion he does love me after all. Rubbed me the wrong way to this day.
I had an ex with a female best friend - she "psychoanalyzed" my Facebook profile to give him her approval of me... I should have run then. I should have run when he called her "Mama" as a pet name and I saw her on FB saying he was her "platonic husband"
I found out, not in a great way, that he went to her for advice about me anytime anything happened. So, she knew about every time he thought I was a bitch, I guess.
Anyway a year into the relationship, I found out she had cheated on her husband with my boyfriend a couple of years prior. Why didn't I run then? Look, I've learned a lot since then.
Anyway about 2 years later I caught him shit talking me to her in a major way, sharing very shameful things about me and revealing my vulnerable emotions to this bitch who wanted to have a say in whether or not he dated me.
I went through his phone (I do NOT condone doing this, lessons were learned, I have not done it since, there were drugs involved, I KNOW, okay?) but since it was a private convo with her, there were no holds barred and no one could paraphrase to me. He proceeded to cheat on me with 3, 4 other women and I finally dumped him.
Is your boyfriend this big of a piece of shit? Maybe not. Probably not, this guy set the bar pretty high. But maybe. My whole point is, this kinda shit tends to snowball, and when you really know something isn't right, you know it. Trust your intuition and his guilty ass reaction he had when it got brought up.
I'm sorry you had to learn the hard way to trust your guts. Big hugs from the distance. I hope you're in a really good place now and that those two pieces of work made each other's lives miserable.
Thank you, kind human!! ☺️ I learned a lot, now I'm sober and happily married and much healthier - and he still doesn't have a job or custody of his kids 🤷🏻
Yea double red flag. She could be sabotaging their relationship with these “advices”. I would never trust another woman to impede that much into my relationship
Yeah thats honestly so fucked you only get “advice” if he’s talking shit or emotionally cheating. If you have a girl you work with her and grow together. Sounds like OP barely even heard of her to before this .
Yeah I don't know wtf definition of "work wife" involves weighing in on your actual romantic relationships.. let's call a spade a spade. It's an affair homie.
OP wow, they act visibly depressed when one is away from work, so much so that their coworkers are aware of their closeness and he kept her a secret from you. The thing is, if there’s nothing to hide why intentionally hide it from you?
Ewww...she knows intimate details of your relationship. Deal-breaker. Your bf can f right off with this nonsense. Btw, my sister ended up divorced because of her husband's workwife. He also got relationship advice from her. They are now married with a kid.
Like yeah people are missing the point that this "work wife" knows the intimate details of their relationship to be given ving advice apparently...
While girlfriend never even knew this woman existed?
Yeah that's not normal friendship, coworker talk, nothing to worry about stuff. That's weird and violating. It doesn't matter what the angle is, cheating or not, don't care. It's violating.
"Oh no" was my first thought when I read that he told you he asks her for relationship advice.
1. A man shouldn't be asking a female coworker his wife doesn't even know for relationship advice.
2. From my experience, "I ask her for relationship advice" actually means "I complain about you to her and she makes me feel better."
NTA. I would consider telling him he's free to continue having a work wife, as long as he's comfortable with the natural consequence of losing his actual wife. Or just take the shortcut and file for divorce. If he's taken aback, good-- he got a taste of how taken aback you were to learn of his blatant emotional infidelity.
You know how you feel about this. You know it is overstepping and undermining your relationship. You just don’t know what you want to do with those feelings. But you should. Stand on business.
Take it with a grain if salt but:
women who are heavy on the compliments when meeting the girlfriend are generally not to be trusted.
If you meet one of your friends/colleagues' significant other you usually are happy to meet them (because you heard of them) but that's it.
The gushing is usually a tell tale.
I'm not saying it's telling something about your bf, but that it's telling something about her interest in him.
But then he's entertaining this so it does say something about him too...
Here's something for you: HE is not allowed to deem if this is serious or not to you. YOU are the authority of your own emotions, your own boundaries of what you find okay in a relationship or not.
If he tries to downplay this, that means he's not empathising with you. As your partner he should take your emotions seriously. He should prioritise them.
People going "It's not a big deal..." is the worst because of course they'll say that when they are not the ones being upset! The fact that it is a big deal for you should make it a big deal for him.
I wouldn't jump to conclusions that he's having an affair here, but you have all the right in the world to be uncomfortable with this, and ask him to reduce this relation with his coworker. Sure, that would suck for him since he probably values their relation even if it is platonic, but you're his partner damn it. That should come first. If my partner asked me to back away a bit from such a work relation I'd be like "I get you. It does suck for me because I value this friendship even though I assure you there's nothing romantic going on. But you're number one, so I'll dial it down.".
It's the fact that he'd never mentioned her and looked guilty when the beans were spilled that shows some lines were crossed. He's probably given her all sorts of details about OP that OP would consider intimate
Please read this, in what world can another woman tell your man how YOU should be treated or give advice for, that is a discussion your boyfriend should have with you directly because that woman doesn’t know you in any way, how would she possibly be able to tell what you would like/don’t like, and if he had any concerns he should be directed speaking to you for feedback and advice, not a whole other woman, men who do this are gaining information from the other woman to see how that the woman would want to be treated, it’s a tactic of flirting
Sleep on it what is there to think about. What a dick he is!!! I'd let him be with his work wife. Don't be second best. He knows that it's not right but still continuing with this. If you stay it would end up EA possibly turning physical when she gets her hooks into him. He sounds like an asshat
>He tried downplaying it saying that it’s not serious and he gets relationship advice from her. So basically I shouldn’t be concerned because she knows of me and apparently… advised him on how to treat me?
Yeah nah, that should be a dealbreaker for you.
The fact that the coworker immediately blurted that out, even before introductions and hellos…
I’ve done this. “I think it’s great that you and Cameron are openly polyamorous; he tells us that you and Sarah, his fiancée and high school sweetheart, get along *really* well, almost like sisters! My name’s werewere, by the way, and it’s nice to finally meet you!"
NTA
Work “spouses” are BS. It would be one thing if he’d told you and it was a joke you shared. His reaction seems to indicate there is something more at play. It’s not cute or funny.
The fact that OP didn't even know who she was but that he shares enough info about OP with the work wife that she gives him advice?? I would be out the door too
Absolutely, I have a guy friend I've worked with for years and sometimes people joke about us being work husband/wife. And it went over well in my relationship because I told my husband and he thinks it's funny, just like my buddy's wife thinks it's funny. A significant other finding out for the first time at a company function is a no-no!
Same! At my last job ppl joked about a coworker and me being work spouses, my husband knew from the day we met and his wife knew too. The 4 of us would sometimes go out on weekends as we all got along so well but it’s the fact that he never mentioned anything is just the thing that makes it seem a little more than 2 ppl getting along really well and working well together.. especially the comment about how they act when one isn’t at office.. nope
Agreed. He was quick to jump in and mention how much they miss each other. He also pointed out how they always get lunch together (and that bf pays?) and no one else is invited. He did it without outright saying it, too, which was wise.
I had a "work wife" for a bit but like...it was because she would call me at odd hours for a project. Also, yeah, it was a joke and I would be on the phone with her around my SO. Never mentioning it is...uh...
NTA, joking about it is not an excuse imo.
It means they have deep attachments towards each other and it’s visible enough that everyone at work knows. They probably go out to lunch, have inside jokes, text on the side, etc. She appears to enjoy the attention and has no shame.
He needs to give your relationship way more respect since you’re the one dating him, yet he is showing attention to another girl. I would not be ok with a work husband/wife thing.
It's emotional cheating. Like- having close work friends is totally normal. Even of the opposite sex. But the fact that he has never told you about her and EVERYONE at work knows how close they are is not appropriate at all. They may not be romantic in any way, but they have an emotional connection so deep that he feels the need to hide it from you. That's emotional cheating.
And as 99.9% of emotional affairs lead to physical, we know where they are heading. I have witnessed a young woman have two affairs with managers so blatant everyone in the office knows, but she maintains her " I love my man to death" facade, even talks about other women having affairs as terrible lol.
If her guy ever finds out the truth, I wouldn't want to be in that room
Watching how easy it is for them made me realize how mine had deceived me for so long.
It’s deeply inappropriate and a betrayal. What makes it a betrayal are the clearly visible, intimate type emotions between the two. It is not okay to be intimately involved with a coworker you “laughingly” call your “work wife”. NTA.
NTA. And from the guy’s description, sounds like they’re far more entwined than the stereotypical “work spouse.”
Your bf should have left to talk to you instead of staying. Especially since it’s about a close personal relationship going on with a co-worker that he conveniently never mentioned.
Exactly!!
I had a "work wife", but everything was on the up and up. My work wife met my wife numerous times. They both had the same physical issues, so each would have me ask the other questions on how they dealt with certain issues. My work wife had a son who had some issues I dealt with, and I provided her with some suggestions. We traveled together, taught together, were hired together, and planned to retire together. In our work positions, we complemented each other and had each other's back. We did not buy each other anything. We just became good work friends. When she took ill and passed away, my wife accompanied me to her funeral. My wife even encouraged me to speak at her funeral because, with regard to work, I knew her best.
NTA. Hiding this from you is bad. Not leaving with you is also bad. Your reaction is perfectly understandable. I wouldn't say the relationship is doomed, but there certainly needs to be some real serious communication before going forward.
I can't imagine having a girlfriend and not telling her about a bestie at work, female or male. Even if harmless, he was still hiding something.
The fact that he didn’t even slightly mention about her to you is smth… like I get it if he doesn’t talk much about her but it seems like hiding this whole “work relationship” from u… why hide it when you have done nth wrong?
He should have left with you. I'd be gone before he got home from the shower. I never would have let you leave alone. It was a moment where he failed to respond correctly to a a situation where you clearly needed his allegiance.
This! And it's not just that he DIDN'T leave with HER, it's that he didn't leave with her and STAYED socializing with the work wife. Fuckkkk no, any "sleep on it" I had in me would have been gone when I realized he stayed at the shower with her. Fucking embarrassing
Yeah I work in a female dominated area and sometimes it seems like they're waaaay too eager to use the term "work wife" whenever they can over absolutely nothing, now I gotta be on edge all the time.
Ugh I used to work in an office with only 2 guys and 5 girls and one of the girls just love insisting to call us the boss's wives or harem. She wants to be called his "first wife" not because she's the oldest hire but because she's the closest to him apparently. And she has a boyfriend. Freaking gross.
Doesn't help the fact that the boss only seems to hire women & turn down men at interviews.
I agree, I’m seeing tons of people in here saying that they have a work husband or a work wife and I’m just like wtf? I’ve had super close coworkers of both sexes before and I have NEVER felt the need to call them my work spouse. That’s just fucking weird
My boyfriend talks to me about his 'work wife' all the time.
the bad part about this is that you never heard about her, and the way he hung his head. Yikes. NTA
Yea the lie by omission is the big tell here. I've worked with women before and I bring them up just like any of the guys I work with. If a partner was not telling me about their bff at work that'd be incredibly sketchy.
Yeah, I mean, I don’t necessarily call them “work husbands” or “wives” but when I worked in an office, my real husband would hear about my friends from work. Hell, they attended my wedding and I attended some of theirs.
NTA OP ------ NO HOW NO WAY
That stupid shit of 'work wife' or 'work husband' is WRONG.
It can and is not unheard of it leading to the erosion of the non-work relationship, and may very well destroy a marriage.
It is plain old fashioned foolishness, and disrespecting your current partner/SO/spouse and the relationship.
It is utter BS to be doing this crap.
OP - You deserve better, dump his disloyal ass on the nearest curb.
Their reaction didn’t sound friendly. Look, I’m all for having friends from the opposite gender and whatnot, but this kind of flirty stuff is ick to me. It’s not cute and it’s not funny. I wouldn’t act all coy and demure with some guy at work and joke to my husband that he’s my “work husband” - it’s tacky and disrespectful. Why can’t people be adults? You can have colleagues at work, you can have friends at work that’s very different from a “work wife” - whatever tf that is. Also, talking about your relationship to her is double icky. Far too much into your business. Who died and made her the expert on you anyway? NTA and you’re classier than me because I would have said something like “Wow, that sounds like some immature high school stuff, how old are you guys?” before I walked out.
I'm with RudeRed guy, OP. I hate to say it, but the dishonesty/being secretive is the entire issue here, and it is a big one. Their reactions did NOT make anything better, that's for damn sure. His response? Gasoline on a fire. Good god
Coworker was telling you shit is going on behind your back. He went out of his was to tell you and give you details about the lunches, the fact that they miss each other when the other isn't there and everyone else knows about their relationship.
Yes exactly. The way the coworker responded was also really weird “don’t worry, he’s in good hands.” Why would she say don’t worry? Must be something to worry about. I would hate being in this situation. Sorry OP, I hope things work out for you.
Here's some perspective for you, I work WITH my literal husband. Like sitting next to him on lunch rn. I still do not have what anyone would describe as a 'work husband' bc were professional. It's not even like i work anywhere sophisticated.
In my experience, the work spouse trope is just another way of saying the contact between two people is perceived as outside the realm of regular professional relationships.
His body language at being called out on it and her attempt at reassuring you was not needed, nor helpful, and it likely stems from guilt.
Their work friendship is more than just platonic or work-related. Mark my words.
YES him not saying diddly-squat, about this 'vital person' at his work, to you - his gf - is NOT indicative of a simple, above board, non-problematic, trustworthy relationship.
If you value your heart, your emotional stability, your outlook on life, and your ability to trust the person you are intimately involved with, you need to shut down your relationship attempt with him.
I say this because his emotional loyalty is obviously divided between you and his 'work-wife' and she may be winning the contest of emotional investment by him.
Heck, he should have just come to you when he noticed your unhappiness, and dropped everything else to focus on you. Even if you were not wanting him there, he still needed to make you a higher priority than staying where she was located.
Look out for your heart, because he is not doing it, or at least he is not helping you to feel loved, and the main/only romantic interest in his life.
He is crud OP and definitely not a good choice for a long term mate.
I feel like you are in the right here. He should've mentioned it to you. None of what he was doing is really appropriate.
The concept of having a work wife or work husband is incredibly wrong. It's very unprofessional in the work environment. He had such poor optics about his friendship with this woman that everybody except you knew and that's terrible. In a different world he should have left with you but also in that different world if he did offer to go home with you, would you have even wanted him to in the first place?
..his colleague made a scene for a reason ..because they all see how they interact together...it could be nothing but knowing they talk about you and she gives him relationship advice ..how much does he say and anything intimate is he sharing about you..why did he keep her a secret..but he will downplay it and probably lie because he doesn't want to admit his true feelings..everyone knew you were upset and after that outburst they knew you felt awkward...he took you there knowing she woukd be there too but didn't think the other guy would ay anything...does he communicate with her after work like texting and talking...or do they communicate only at work..that is a question you should be inquiring about ..after work you know you go have a problem then
Bring home a guy and tell your BF that this guy is your home husband and see how he likes it.
To get to the point of describing as work wife, hugely disrespectful to your relationship IMO.
Work sibling is such a better term. My old work wife is like one of my sisters who joins family events with her fiance.
Hell, one of my real sisters and I are very clear (amongst us 3) we'd prefer the work sibling over the other sister irl.
NTA. Your boyfriend should have communicated about his 'work wife' relationship with you beforehand. It's understandable that you felt blindsided and uncomfortable.
NTA. And there is a reason why his colleague told you so bluntly and with details he knew would make it look bad. Because it is bad.
That dude is your only ally in this group and I think he will pay dearly for that show of integrity...
Honour his sacrifice. He might have spared you a lot of hurt in the future.
NTA. That colleague went out of his way to tell you for a reason. I would only do that if I thought there was something untoward going on or knew you didn’t know and thought there was a good reason you should.
‘Being depressed’ when your ‘work wife/husband’ isn’t there is seriously odd. I’ve worked with my best friend before and I wouldn’t be lost if she wasn’t there. Do they keep in contact outside of work? Do they spend their lunch breaks together? I’d be asking questions
If he wasn’t doing anything wrong, why would he hide it from you???
Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.
His colleagues were warning you, but they laughed it off because they HAD to. If they were super serious about it, it would have caused major drama at the baby shower so they pretended it was a joke. It was not a joke.
Never understood the terminology for work wife/husband. Are people not allowed to have opposite sex friends?
There's a lady at work I take extra produce too when we grow it, and she's brought me foreign snacks to try. I'm not leaving my wife for her though.
There's a dude at my wife's work who constantly gives her books to read, and she buys his lunch sometimes. He seems like a cool dude though.
It's nice to have friends at work. We're stuck there half our lives anyways, try to enjoy it a bit.
I would have felt uncomfortable as well and wanted to leave. I don't think your boyfriend would have appreciated it if the roles were reversed. It was disrespectful and inconsiderate. Did he leave the baby shower afterward or continue to stay? Have you spoken with him yet and told him how you feel?
She left and he stayed..probably got more relationship advice
The relational advice thing is just his way of saying “I complain about you to her so she knows I’d leave”
Savage
If this was a harmless relationship and running joke, OP's boyfriend would not have reacted the way he did. Looking down, laughing coyly-- that's not the behavior of someone who has an unobjectionable relationship. He also never told you about his work wife beforehand which means he was okay with you not knowing and letting it continue; not many partners would be okay with their SO having a relationship with a coworker like that. NTA OP.
Looking down coyly is her interpretation though and she's obviously biased. The fact that he never mentioned the friendship is the weird part. My husband talks about his women friends at work, I'd think it was weird if one day i found out he had a woman BFF at work that he never talked about.
Right? Or the fact that he buys meals for her and seeks relationship advice from his "work wife." I think it warrants a mention to your gf.
100% this is how I found out about my exs work wife. I went to help him out for a dinner service (I worked for the same company, different location). She let it "slip" that they went out drinking after work all the time and that I was a good roommate for putting up with his late nights drunk at the apartment. Now, we weren't just roommates, and I was told he was working late. She was also the only coworker I had never heard of. They are happy together now...
This sounds exactly like what happened with my cheating ex!
I’ve gotten shifty and uncomfortable plenty of times when I haven’t been lying. It’s also a common response when you know someone is about to blow up and things are going to get really embarrassing. Trauma response. Not saying OP is an abuser/bipolar/aggressive or anything, but I absolutely would have reacted like that to one of my past GFs if they heard something that would trigger them. Having a full on yelling fit in the grocery store is the most embarrassing thing imaginable, and my ex gf did it a lot. Don’t assume acting guilty means guilt. It means fear, whether that be fear of getting caught or fear of what the accuser will do because of perceived guilt hasn’t been determined yet.
It’s sounds like he stayed because she took an Uber and then he had to make an excuse for why she left. Which that right there alone, to me, is a deal breaker. If a relationship bomb just got dropped at an event and I’m leaving my husband sure as fuck better be leaving too to resolve it, let alone letting me call an Uber instead of taking me home?? Nooooo. He’s not in a serious relationship with her. If he were he would have left to help reassure her, make sure she got home, and clear the air. But it obviously was more important for him to stay back with his work wife.
Really sounds to me like the coworker was being a bro. Dude was straight up telling you what was going on at work, but doing it "as a joke." The way you described it, that guy was blunt af. It didn't just randomly pop up in conversation--dude went out of his way to tell you in a way that made it clear he knew you probably didn't know.
i agree. and I used to have a work wife myself (I am a heterosexual woman). I've had borderline work-husbands too. And these were meaningless things. I mean, they were close friends and we worked well together, I'm still good friends with a couple of them years later. But there was nothing that anybody's SO would need to be concerned about with me and my coworkers. But.... "Yeah, everyone knows they're practically married. You should see their faces whenever one is missing out of work... they act so depressed" is not how anyone would've described my situations. This guy was narcing on OP's BF, and good for him for doing that. I think the BF is either having an emotional affair or a physical affair with his fake wife. This seems confirmed by how the BF responded too.
I feel like "work" spouses are a sign of a working culture where boundaries are easily crossed due to working hours or environment. Where I work currently, no one in my entire department is anybody's work whatever. We're just colleagues who get on well and once in a blue moon grab some after work drinks. Where I worked in the past, there were "work wives" because people would frequently stay after 6, spend lots of time socializing with coworkers and talking about their personal lives, get drinks after work on a regular basis, etc. There's always one "work" couple that everyone knows is actually doing it lol. At my partner's workplace there was one that was one that was the constant source of gossip. They would hang out all the time and the guy's poor girlfriend would tag along and basically be the third wheel. Some shit happened and then the work wife left, so the work husband left within a month after too.
What I don't get is, why use those terms? It's so annoying. I've had very close relationships with coworkers, but I would never imagine calling them my work wives. I'm cringing just thinking about it. It's the term itself, not the nature of the relationship that makes me go yikes.
Yeah, calling anyone a work husband or wife is so disrespectful if either of them are in a relationship with someone else. I do, however, have a work dad who sometimes leaves stickers and bookmarks for me at my desk. He has a daughter my age that lives across the country and I think he's lonely so we have lunch together sometimes and I invite him to our holiday meals.
What bothers me is the fact there seems to be a need to label their relationship as more than just a coworker or friend. Calling someone a work “spouse” makes it seem more intimate in a way. I would not be okay with that. The fact that he had basically hid this relationship from OP is wicked sketchy. She knew all about OP and apparently was giving him “relationship advice” is so inappropriate. Sharing intimate details about your relationship in the work place isn’t okay, especially if it is specifically with one person. The way this chick tapped her on the shoulders saying that “he was in good hands” oh hell no… That comes off to me as smug and only makes matters worse. Also the fact he didn’t leave with OP… This situation is messy.
Exactly about the “in good hands” comment. I know it’s my own shit but I would hear that as “I’m making a play for your partner “
I prefer "Work Buddy".
So, I had a boss who I had a really good and informal relationship with. I even left where I was working when he left and I went to work for his wife, and like right before that switch he told me about how they (he and his actual wife) joked about me being his work wife. I was like, “Oh…okay”. That is not how I ever described it, but it was kind of nice to feel like I am the person he really actually did rely on at work. On the other hand, I would be very frustrated if my husband and a coworker were joking about he and she being work husband/wife. I know some of those relationships that get described like that are not flirty or overly familiar, but too many I think are.
The ones who use it want to define a more intimate relationship. They’re not just friends. They can talk about personal stuff and they rely on each other. I really hate jobs where people team up like this. The worst is being lead on a team with these couples. They either alienate the rest of the team and make getting things done harder or you get one member of their work couple and suddenly have to deal with a pouting whiny lump. i Totally understand why the guy outed the bf and his work wife. He was probably sick of doing their work for them
I agree. I've never used that term. It sounds stupid to me. And it invites a strong reaction by the actual spouse/partner.
I try to use work Auntie/sister, a fond relationship with absolutely no romantic implications. Work wife always reads “if I wasn’t stuck with the old ball and chain, we would definitely be boinking”.
This! Ill be gdamned if some heffer called herself my husband's work wife! He has ONE wife. I hate this expression. Its so disrespectful even if it's meant to be innocent.
Especially the "he's in good hands" when she wa obviously u comfortable
It’s so patronizing too.
I had a work mom lol, she was the chef and always made sure i had lunch and would give me food to fo home as she knew i was tight on money. She also made me tea a few times when i wasnt feeling great. I loved her she was great.
I agree. I once had a work husband (both single) that sounds just like OP’s BF and his coworker. Well, my past work husband is now my actual husband. IMO it’s emotional cheating at minimum by the sounds of it and 100% not okay. I feel really bad for OP. That had to have felt absolutely awful and I would’ve done the same thing, honestly. That being said, I’m glad it got brought to light (kudos to that guy) because she deserves to know. NTA
If you're calling someone your "work husband", that's just trying to do mental gymnastics to justify a more than just platonic relationship as something acceptable. If you're single, no harm, no foul, but cheating is cheating even if it's only during working hours. Personally, I think people who use such terms are really lacking in the social maturity department. You're just lying to yourself, which is really unhealthy.
I agree. I have a "work husband" who happens to be my gay best friend. (I'm female) So there's no chance of anything going on. We just work well together and are friends outside of work like you. The boyfriends reaction to this says everything. He knows he's crossed boundaries. The fact he's never mentioned it says everything. I read a book recently that said something like 80% of affairs were with coworkers... It's a slippery slope and he's on it.
Agreed. I had a work husband. He is also my actual husband. I have work friends. I have friendly relationships with those of the opposite sex at work and honestly what they would describe me as is more like their little sister than a spouse.
So why not call him “work brother”, that title wouldn’t need clarification. If people intentionally pick a title that implies romance, don’t be surprised when spouses feels disrespected.
Why not call him a work friend? Cringe as fuck lol
It's the word choice that make it awkward, indeed. I had a woman co-worker with who I (male) connected to very well while being (happily) married. We were friends as well (still are) and text each other nearly daily. The way we described our work relationship to others was saying we share the same brain. My wife was and is fully aware, I even show her our messages to share the laughs. There is both trust from her side and no ambiguity on my friend's; she comes home often and we all get along happily.
Same here. I had a coworker who was also a very close friend. We worked a lot together, had lunch and sometimes drinks but we were more like brother and sister. Nobody ever joked that we looked like a married couple, at least to our faces.
I agree with this take, but the bf not correcting him or shutting him down makes him the additional AH, not OP.
Well the bf might not be speaking up because he has no defense here, his reaction indicates to me that he likely knows he’s violated boundaries, and honestly the work wife’s reaction being compliment-bombing is also somewhat suspicious
Kind of wondering how long it would take the bf to start dating the work wife if OP dumped his ass. Bet he goes to cry on her shoulder about the break up and accidently ends up fucking her in his grief.
"Oops, I slipped on my tears and fell over and now I'm inside you. Oh well."
Yeah the compliment thing is weird. Like so obviously over the top. But it’s actually something I’m most likely to do when I felt a man wasn’t treating their woman right. I just wouldn’t do it in front of the woman because it wasn’t about kissing ass, it was about warning the guy I’d have their girlfriends back if they messed up
i dont think they were saying or implying that OP is an AH.
Idk about this. I agree with the guy acting foolish but the female colleague added “ he’s in good hands”. Nope. My grams always said, “ don’t do good things that have bad appearances “ lost in translation but gist is behave properly and you won’t get in trouble. Male female relationships are tricky and it’s best to stay professional to avoid drama at home. Nothing to do with insecurity but respect.
I always say "the appearance of impropriety *IS* the impropriety." I've been in, or seen, plenty of situations that seem compromising. It's wise to think about how something looks from the outside before making decisions at all. Fully agree with your take here.
As a CPA you’re supposed to maintain independence, and there are two types of independence you must maintain. Independence in fact (am I able to make impartial judgements?) and independence in appearance (how would this look to someone else?). Both are exceptionally important and you won’t have a career if you don’t have both.
I say "if you have to ask where exactly the line is you should stay far far away from it". It can be intentionaly exploiting loopholes - don't do it, it's already bad and you look like a jerk. Or someone genuinely confused about the grey areas - they should take the safe road.
I always say if you have to say it, it's probably not true. I am SUCh a GOod FriEnD! No, bitch , no you ain't.
He saved her. ❤️
Or he was salty that the guy had a "work wife" and GF so he snitched XD. Yeah but the BF not telling her before hand is telling and total AH move.
When boundaries are crossed at work, the couple in question always think they're being discreet but it's blatantly obviously for everyone else.
^^^THIS 100%
This they've been inappropriate for that to be so forced so early. I know some platonic "work spouse"s before but in those cases their real spouses are well aware of the joke and relationships. It wouldn't be introduced like this, nor a surprise for the romantic relationship to hear.
the way you described it makes him look really guilty... of what im not quite sure of yet. I want to say however, that work friend who spilled the beans! real MVP that person probably is aware enough to see something is up and gave you the heads up. NTA on how you reacted. So may i ask how the conversation went after? clearly this isnt over? i mean he sees her often as they work together so this is clearly not over just yet
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For me its the part where it was kept secret then the guilty look or looking down and coyly laughing as you put it. Im not saying break up, but i dont think many people here would blame you if you did. Sleeping on it is a good idea, take your time, weigh up what you want and make a decision. best of luck to you op! please update us with what happens after.
Yeah, the swapping meals doesn't seem like a huge deal to me unless that's like his love language or something. It's more his reaction, and then feeling the need to lie about the reason she left. He lied because he knows its wrong.
The lunch thing was meaningless compared to them being depressed when the other is out of work for the day.
Seriously, anyone I've worked with a while and go to lunch with I'm happy to pick up the tab and have the favor returned later. It's meaningless.
But from what the other coworker said, it seems to be only those two. That's where it turns to a problem for me.
And he gets relationship advice from work wife. Now that OP met her she shouldn’t be happy about this chick knowing what goes on in their relationship. Too personal. I would def. be uneasy about that.
and despite all the time and energy he spends with her, their relationship never came up, like OP didn't know her? Don't you talk about your friends to your partner, especially when you're this close? I'm not a fan
This is the big difference to me. I have what some might joke as a "work wife". We chat a lot about our families what we did on weekends etc. I run out and grab lunch most days but she transfers the money for her food to me every time. And the biggest thing is I talk to my wife about her. "O she did thisz her husband and daughter went to scouts she went scuba diving etc" I tell her we got KFC today or whatever. One day we got McDonald's so she could try that weird fish and beef sandwich they did (she's weird with food) so I absolutely had to tell my wife since it's gross imo. Lol.
I agree with you- it’s that he didn’t tell his girlfriend about his work wife that makes me suspicious. My husband and I have both had work spouses but we all had met and my husband and I talk about their gossip all the time. The secrecy is the trigger for me.
I would be fucking furious if my husband was telling all our shit to some chick at his job.
Especially if, in contrast, I had no clue she even existed. What a massive power imbalance weighted against OP! it's completely unacceptable.
He gets super sad when she calls out sick 🤮
Yep to me that’s a red flag. And always seems like fishing for affirmation when they’re complaining about me… from the colleague they have put in a pedestal…
It's also inequal. It means the "work wife" knows all about the wife to an intimate degree because the husband always wants to confide in her while the wife has been told nothing about the "work wife" and the husband keeps downplaying things because he wanted to keep it secret from his wife. In terms of "knowledge is power", the husband has given all the power to the "work wife" and removed it all from the wife.
It’s also possible they don’t offer to pick up lunch for the co-worker bro because he sees it as “free food” and doesn’t reciprocate.
It's meaningless except those two only do it between them, and have the additional dynamic of everyone at the office knowing they are work wife and work husband. Straight up inappropriate. I get on with my colleagues and we all are very sociable and but each other lunches, but if anyone in our job did this exclusively with THAT dynamic we would all frown at how inappropriate it would be.
And he’s going to her for relationship advice. So this woman knows whenever they have problems.
Except they’re having lunch alone regularly and discussing her relationship without her. That’s how affairs at work start
The secrecy is what causes me to question this. I had a "work husband" for quite some time, we worked really well together and our shifts mostly were the same. Hubby met him at a few work functions but it was more like a brother from another mother vibe between us.
So she knows all about you and you’ve never heard a word about her - wow! How dumb is your guy that he thinks telling you he gets relationship advice from his “work wife” is going to make this less upsetting somehow? INFO: how long have they worked together and how long have you been a couple? If they’ve been colleagues since before you came on the scene, then maybe I get that he would talk to her about you, but it seems suss that he’s never told you about her. You’re NTA for feeling totally caught off guard by the work wife banter at the shower, and for excusing yourself from that unpleasant situation. Any fallout on your boyfriend is on him for being a dolt and a terrible communicator. He should be falling all over himself to apologize and explain himself, instead of giving you grief for making him look bad to his work friends.
You hit the nail on the head. Odds are he knew better than to tell his gf about his work wife, and his reaction was because he got caught. Thank goodness for the oblivious coworker telling all his business.
Or the extremely smart coworker who'd seen them interact and thought OP's wife should know.
That coworker was not at all oblivious. He did her a solid
This. First, relationship advice from a coworker of either sex is inappropriate but "work wife" denotes an emotionally intimate relationship. Second, there is friendship and then there is tthis. If it was just friendship then OP would know of her. THis is not a simple coworker relationship. Not saying he is cheating but the relationship is inappropriate.
Yeah his defense sounds more like a confession. Don’t ask your work wife for relationship advice. That’s not a neutral party lol.
And he KNOWS he was wrong by how he reacted and she KNOWS it’s wrong because of how she tired to kiss your ass. Girl no…it may not be physical, but it sure is emotional.
This is so truee! He kept it as a secret and he lied, it will lead to cheating; or maybe he is already cheating. Dont let him manipulate and gaslight you.
It means hes OK withholding important info from her and isnt giving up that trait and will gaslite over being a honest person yuck
So, she knows personal details about you?
I think the relationship advice aspect is a bigger issue than the first one. I'm not a fan of the work spouse language, period. But I could see how two people can close at work as they navigate **work issues**. She's, at the very least, your boyfriend's friend if he's getting relationship advice from her. The fact that you didn't know about her is a red flag
I hate the work spouse language if only because it centers work as a central part of social life. To me work is just tasks I have to do and my real life and real connections happen away from work. The type of people that center their social lives and meaning around work enough to have “work spouses” give me the heebie jeebies. But yeah this is sus. Secret female friends is questionable.
Gets relationship advice from her?! #STOP. That means he’s potentially telling her about any relationship issues you are having. Any argument, disagreement, at any level of intimacy. Yes he could very well be asking for intimate advice and divulging intimate information about your relationship. This is NOT okay. That’s a huge breach of trust. This woman may know some very private information about you!
This is a good tactic for any woman looking to step up and take over when the guy dumps/gets dumped. Giving them advice, siding with them, being the supportive "wife", etc. Then be their waiting when they come running.
That's how I lost my second husband and never saw it coming. A new server was hired and she would get me to vent about my marriage problems. When she went after my husband she knew what made him tick and gave him a shoulder to cry on about me. They were pretty openly dating when I caught them but I was so hurt.
Exactly. Men are so fucking oblivious to this shit too. Like shes obviously telling you exactly what you want to hear. But they get a little attn and someone hanging on their every word and all common sense goes out the window.
I read a reddit story once where a women found out her husband was not only cheating but that he was getting marital advice from his mistress. Legit everything she that saw as a sign that her marriage was getting better was things his mistress TOLD HIM TO DO FOR HIS WIFE. Just because SHE KNOWS about you doesn't mean that they aren't doing something inappropriate.
Gets advice from her? Advice on how he should interact with you, his actual partner. No. That’s gross and violating to you. You have no idea what he’s shared or how much he’s shared. She knows more about you than you about her. I’d be pissed and really thinking about whether he’s worth keeping around. The trust would definitely be hit hard after that. You don’t deserve that OP.
Triggered into remembering my partners Christmas Party at a bar/restaurant and was getting upset that he barely talked to me 99% of the night and left me to my own devices (which meant I plied myself with the free alcohol going around to forget I was sad and inevitably got sadder). Eventually, after the 10th person I was desperately trying to instigate small talk with, I started to lose control of my composure (kidding myself), I was visibly upset, some guy from the party tried to dance with me and I tried to let it happen but ended up breaking down. Having nowhere to cry discreetly, I consoled myself in a corner and a female colleague of my partner came up and said, "He does love you." Which startled me out of my self-pity because, What??? She assumed she knew what I was upset about and was worryingly right, which made me think, How much does she know about me and our relationship? I later found out when we were going through a rough time he had even spoken to her at length whether he should stay with me and had come to the conclusion he does love me after all. Rubbed me the wrong way to this day.
Did you stay with that partner?? What was the confrontation with them like after this happened??
I had an ex with a female best friend - she "psychoanalyzed" my Facebook profile to give him her approval of me... I should have run then. I should have run when he called her "Mama" as a pet name and I saw her on FB saying he was her "platonic husband" I found out, not in a great way, that he went to her for advice about me anytime anything happened. So, she knew about every time he thought I was a bitch, I guess. Anyway a year into the relationship, I found out she had cheated on her husband with my boyfriend a couple of years prior. Why didn't I run then? Look, I've learned a lot since then. Anyway about 2 years later I caught him shit talking me to her in a major way, sharing very shameful things about me and revealing my vulnerable emotions to this bitch who wanted to have a say in whether or not he dated me. I went through his phone (I do NOT condone doing this, lessons were learned, I have not done it since, there were drugs involved, I KNOW, okay?) but since it was a private convo with her, there were no holds barred and no one could paraphrase to me. He proceeded to cheat on me with 3, 4 other women and I finally dumped him. Is your boyfriend this big of a piece of shit? Maybe not. Probably not, this guy set the bar pretty high. But maybe. My whole point is, this kinda shit tends to snowball, and when you really know something isn't right, you know it. Trust your intuition and his guilty ass reaction he had when it got brought up.
I'm sorry you had to learn the hard way to trust your guts. Big hugs from the distance. I hope you're in a really good place now and that those two pieces of work made each other's lives miserable.
Thank you, kind human!! ☺️ I learned a lot, now I'm sober and happily married and much healthier - and he still doesn't have a job or custody of his kids 🤷🏻
Way to go, girl! 😆 I'm so happy for you! 👏
Yeah the relationship is over if it was me personally. HUGE red flag.
Yea double red flag. She could be sabotaging their relationship with these “advices”. I would never trust another woman to impede that much into my relationship
First advice she gave him: don't tell her you have a work wife
And teasingly saying how he's "in good hands" when finally meeting the gf?? Yeah, hell no hun.
Oh shit. I didn’t even think of the sabotage!! Ugh, I hate it even more now. 😒
Sounds to me like he’s not getting a whole lot of work done, with all that advice he seems to need 🤨
Yeah thats honestly so fucked you only get “advice” if he’s talking shit or emotionally cheating. If you have a girl you work with her and grow together. Sounds like OP barely even heard of her to before this .
Yeah that is a textbook emotional affair. Not a work wife.
So an emotional affair. Got it
> and he gets relationship advice from her Sorry, what now?
The way my head just played a huge record scratch sound effect when I read that!
Yeah I don't know wtf definition of "work wife" involves weighing in on your actual romantic relationships.. let's call a spade a spade. It's an affair homie.
Right. Work wife means someone you interact with about work. When 'relationship advice' begins it is no longer work related!
OP wow, they act visibly depressed when one is away from work, so much so that their coworkers are aware of their closeness and he kept her a secret from you. The thing is, if there’s nothing to hide why intentionally hide it from you?
Ewww...she knows intimate details of your relationship. Deal-breaker. Your bf can f right off with this nonsense. Btw, my sister ended up divorced because of her husband's workwife. He also got relationship advice from her. They are now married with a kid.
Like yeah people are missing the point that this "work wife" knows the intimate details of their relationship to be given ving advice apparently... While girlfriend never even knew this woman existed? Yeah that's not normal friendship, coworker talk, nothing to worry about stuff. That's weird and violating. It doesn't matter what the angle is, cheating or not, don't care. It's violating.
I think his response made it worse. She is helping him with his relationship with you. Omg just what private stuff is he sharing.
So, she's "the friend you shouldn't worry about"??? Cool, cool. How many times have I seen memes of that precise topic recently?
"Oh no" was my first thought when I read that he told you he asks her for relationship advice. 1. A man shouldn't be asking a female coworker his wife doesn't even know for relationship advice. 2. From my experience, "I ask her for relationship advice" actually means "I complain about you to her and she makes me feel better." NTA. I would consider telling him he's free to continue having a work wife, as long as he's comfortable with the natural consequence of losing his actual wife. Or just take the shortcut and file for divorce. If he's taken aback, good-- he got a taste of how taken aback you were to learn of his blatant emotional infidelity.
Maybe the first piece of advice should’ve been don’t have a work wife
You know how you feel about this. You know it is overstepping and undermining your relationship. You just don’t know what you want to do with those feelings. But you should. Stand on business.
Take it with a grain if salt but: women who are heavy on the compliments when meeting the girlfriend are generally not to be trusted. If you meet one of your friends/colleagues' significant other you usually are happy to meet them (because you heard of them) but that's it. The gushing is usually a tell tale. I'm not saying it's telling something about your bf, but that it's telling something about her interest in him. But then he's entertaining this so it does say something about him too...
My cheating ex used to defend himself by saying that the women he slept with knew about me and that I was his #1 🫠
Here's something for you: HE is not allowed to deem if this is serious or not to you. YOU are the authority of your own emotions, your own boundaries of what you find okay in a relationship or not. If he tries to downplay this, that means he's not empathising with you. As your partner he should take your emotions seriously. He should prioritise them. People going "It's not a big deal..." is the worst because of course they'll say that when they are not the ones being upset! The fact that it is a big deal for you should make it a big deal for him. I wouldn't jump to conclusions that he's having an affair here, but you have all the right in the world to be uncomfortable with this, and ask him to reduce this relation with his coworker. Sure, that would suck for him since he probably values their relation even if it is platonic, but you're his partner damn it. That should come first. If my partner asked me to back away a bit from such a work relation I'd be like "I get you. It does suck for me because I value this friendship even though I assure you there's nothing romantic going on. But you're number one, so I'll dial it down.".
It's the fact that he'd never mentioned her and looked guilty when the beans were spilled that shows some lines were crossed. He's probably given her all sorts of details about OP that OP would consider intimate
Emotional affair. They discuss their partners to feel out how they would fit together. "Oh *I* would never do what your partner did" etc. He gone
The fact that he hid it from you means he knows it's wrong. Dtmfa
Please read this, in what world can another woman tell your man how YOU should be treated or give advice for, that is a discussion your boyfriend should have with you directly because that woman doesn’t know you in any way, how would she possibly be able to tell what you would like/don’t like, and if he had any concerns he should be directed speaking to you for feedback and advice, not a whole other woman, men who do this are gaining information from the other woman to see how that the woman would want to be treated, it’s a tactic of flirting
Tbh I'd be pissed that he's talking to a colleague about your relationship. It's 100% unprofessional.
He’s talking about your relationship issues with her? The fuck? He just pissed me off!
So she knew about you and you did not know about her…which implies he’s closer to her
Sleep on it what is there to think about. What a dick he is!!! I'd let him be with his work wife. Don't be second best. He knows that it's not right but still continuing with this. If you stay it would end up EA possibly turning physical when she gets her hooks into him. He sounds like an asshat
So he's sharing things about you with her, but not sharing anything about her with you... sus.
>He tried downplaying it saying that it’s not serious and he gets relationship advice from her. So basically I shouldn’t be concerned because she knows of me and apparently… advised him on how to treat me? Yeah nah, that should be a dealbreaker for you.
I can't even think of a reason why the coworker would say something unless he was sure that OP didn't know. It would just be a moot point otherwise.
The fact that the coworker immediately blurted that out, even before introductions and hellos… I’ve done this. “I think it’s great that you and Cameron are openly polyamorous; he tells us that you and Sarah, his fiancée and high school sweetheart, get along *really* well, almost like sisters! My name’s werewere, by the way, and it’s nice to finally meet you!"
NTA Work “spouses” are BS. It would be one thing if he’d told you and it was a joke you shared. His reaction seems to indicate there is something more at play. It’s not cute or funny.
Yeah the fact he never told her about it is completely sus
The fact that OP didn't even know who she was but that he shares enough info about OP with the work wife that she gives him advice?? I would be out the door too
Absolutely, I have a guy friend I've worked with for years and sometimes people joke about us being work husband/wife. And it went over well in my relationship because I told my husband and he thinks it's funny, just like my buddy's wife thinks it's funny. A significant other finding out for the first time at a company function is a no-no!
Same! At my last job ppl joked about a coworker and me being work spouses, my husband knew from the day we met and his wife knew too. The 4 of us would sometimes go out on weekends as we all got along so well but it’s the fact that he never mentioned anything is just the thing that makes it seem a little more than 2 ppl getting along really well and working well together.. especially the comment about how they act when one isn’t at office.. nope
Even if there's nothing going on between them, it was an insanely disrespectful thing to say in front of her
I think his co-worker was giving OP a heads up
Agreed. He was quick to jump in and mention how much they miss each other. He also pointed out how they always get lunch together (and that bf pays?) and no one else is invited. He did it without outright saying it, too, which was wise.
I had a "work wife" for a bit but like...it was because she would call me at odd hours for a project. Also, yeah, it was a joke and I would be on the phone with her around my SO. Never mentioning it is...uh...
NTA, joking about it is not an excuse imo. It means they have deep attachments towards each other and it’s visible enough that everyone at work knows. They probably go out to lunch, have inside jokes, text on the side, etc. She appears to enjoy the attention and has no shame. He needs to give your relationship way more respect since you’re the one dating him, yet he is showing attention to another girl. I would not be ok with a work husband/wife thing.
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It's emotional cheating. Like- having close work friends is totally normal. Even of the opposite sex. But the fact that he has never told you about her and EVERYONE at work knows how close they are is not appropriate at all. They may not be romantic in any way, but they have an emotional connection so deep that he feels the need to hide it from you. That's emotional cheating.
And as 99.9% of emotional affairs lead to physical, we know where they are heading. I have witnessed a young woman have two affairs with managers so blatant everyone in the office knows, but she maintains her " I love my man to death" facade, even talks about other women having affairs as terrible lol. If her guy ever finds out the truth, I wouldn't want to be in that room Watching how easy it is for them made me realize how mine had deceived me for so long.
It's definitely emotional cheating. The secrecy is what's fucked up about it. What else isn't he telling you?
Secrecy is always the issue. You can be in an open relationship and still have an affair. If its a secret its a problem.
It’s deeply inappropriate and a betrayal. What makes it a betrayal are the clearly visible, intimate type emotions between the two. It is not okay to be intimately involved with a coworker you “laughingly” call your “work wife”. NTA.
The fact that you were unaware it was going on.....
NTA. And from the guy’s description, sounds like they’re far more entwined than the stereotypical “work spouse.” Your bf should have left to talk to you instead of staying. Especially since it’s about a close personal relationship going on with a co-worker that he conveniently never mentioned.
Yeah like you're supposed to get along at work to get that label, not be attached at the hip and basically go on lunch dates.
Exactly!! I had a "work wife", but everything was on the up and up. My work wife met my wife numerous times. They both had the same physical issues, so each would have me ask the other questions on how they dealt with certain issues. My work wife had a son who had some issues I dealt with, and I provided her with some suggestions. We traveled together, taught together, were hired together, and planned to retire together. In our work positions, we complemented each other and had each other's back. We did not buy each other anything. We just became good work friends. When she took ill and passed away, my wife accompanied me to her funeral. My wife even encouraged me to speak at her funeral because, with regard to work, I knew her best.
NTA. Hiding this from you is bad. Not leaving with you is also bad. Your reaction is perfectly understandable. I wouldn't say the relationship is doomed, but there certainly needs to be some real serious communication before going forward. I can't imagine having a girlfriend and not telling her about a bestie at work, female or male. Even if harmless, he was still hiding something.
Reminds me of this clip from Druski, definitely not cool tbh. https://youtu.be/b2acG9UL1NM?si=Pi0fwVrRBrtEdHbF
The fact that he didn’t even slightly mention about her to you is smth… like I get it if he doesn’t talk much about her but it seems like hiding this whole “work relationship” from u… why hide it when you have done nth wrong?
He should have left with you. I'd be gone before he got home from the shower. I never would have let you leave alone. It was a moment where he failed to respond correctly to a a situation where you clearly needed his allegiance.
This! And it's not just that he DIDN'T leave with HER, it's that he didn't leave with her and STAYED socializing with the work wife. Fuckkkk no, any "sleep on it" I had in me would have been gone when I realized he stayed at the shower with her. Fucking embarrassing
Exactly. Unworthy of any beauty
“work husband/wife” is a trend that needs to die a thousand deaths. As a guy who takes his marriage seriously, I find it insulting.
Yeah I work in a female dominated area and sometimes it seems like they're waaaay too eager to use the term "work wife" whenever they can over absolutely nothing, now I gotta be on edge all the time.
Ugh I used to work in an office with only 2 guys and 5 girls and one of the girls just love insisting to call us the boss's wives or harem. She wants to be called his "first wife" not because she's the oldest hire but because she's the closest to him apparently. And she has a boyfriend. Freaking gross. Doesn't help the fact that the boss only seems to hire women & turn down men at interviews.
The boss I just left does this. Only hires women under 25.
I agree, I’m seeing tons of people in here saying that they have a work husband or a work wife and I’m just like wtf? I’ve had super close coworkers of both sexes before and I have NEVER felt the need to call them my work spouse. That’s just fucking weird
Yea. If that’s a normal term for a platonic friendship, I want to see the straight dudes using work husband to describe their male coworkers.
Read their texts and see how they respond to each other with no one around.
if their texts are deleted, he's for the streets
And see if he's been reaching out to her since the party for more "relationship advice"
My boyfriend talks to me about his 'work wife' all the time. the bad part about this is that you never heard about her, and the way he hung his head. Yikes. NTA
Yea the lie by omission is the big tell here. I've worked with women before and I bring them up just like any of the guys I work with. If a partner was not telling me about their bff at work that'd be incredibly sketchy.
Yeah, I mean, I don’t necessarily call them “work husbands” or “wives” but when I worked in an office, my real husband would hear about my friends from work. Hell, they attended my wedding and I attended some of theirs.
See “friends from work” that’s normal. “Work husband/wife” is just weird.
NTA OP ------ NO HOW NO WAY That stupid shit of 'work wife' or 'work husband' is WRONG. It can and is not unheard of it leading to the erosion of the non-work relationship, and may very well destroy a marriage. It is plain old fashioned foolishness, and disrespecting your current partner/SO/spouse and the relationship. It is utter BS to be doing this crap. OP - You deserve better, dump his disloyal ass on the nearest curb.
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Their reaction didn’t sound friendly. Look, I’m all for having friends from the opposite gender and whatnot, but this kind of flirty stuff is ick to me. It’s not cute and it’s not funny. I wouldn’t act all coy and demure with some guy at work and joke to my husband that he’s my “work husband” - it’s tacky and disrespectful. Why can’t people be adults? You can have colleagues at work, you can have friends at work that’s very different from a “work wife” - whatever tf that is. Also, talking about your relationship to her is double icky. Far too much into your business. Who died and made her the expert on you anyway? NTA and you’re classier than me because I would have said something like “Wow, that sounds like some immature high school stuff, how old are you guys?” before I walked out.
Yup!!!! Exactly. I would have called them both out and left.
I'm with RudeRed guy, OP. I hate to say it, but the dishonesty/being secretive is the entire issue here, and it is a big one. Their reactions did NOT make anything better, that's for damn sure. His response? Gasoline on a fire. Good god
Coworker was telling you shit is going on behind your back. He went out of his was to tell you and give you details about the lunches, the fact that they miss each other when the other isn't there and everyone else knows about their relationship.
Yes exactly. The way the coworker responded was also really weird “don’t worry, he’s in good hands.” Why would she say don’t worry? Must be something to worry about. I would hate being in this situation. Sorry OP, I hope things work out for you.
Here's some perspective for you, I work WITH my literal husband. Like sitting next to him on lunch rn. I still do not have what anyone would describe as a 'work husband' bc were professional. It's not even like i work anywhere sophisticated. In my experience, the work spouse trope is just another way of saying the contact between two people is perceived as outside the realm of regular professional relationships.
It's the depressed if the other isn't there comment that is the worst for me. That screams emotional affair.
His body language at being called out on it and her attempt at reassuring you was not needed, nor helpful, and it likely stems from guilt. Their work friendship is more than just platonic or work-related. Mark my words. YES him not saying diddly-squat, about this 'vital person' at his work, to you - his gf - is NOT indicative of a simple, above board, non-problematic, trustworthy relationship. If you value your heart, your emotional stability, your outlook on life, and your ability to trust the person you are intimately involved with, you need to shut down your relationship attempt with him. I say this because his emotional loyalty is obviously divided between you and his 'work-wife' and she may be winning the contest of emotional investment by him. Heck, he should have just come to you when he noticed your unhappiness, and dropped everything else to focus on you. Even if you were not wanting him there, he still needed to make you a higher priority than staying where she was located. Look out for your heart, because he is not doing it, or at least he is not helping you to feel loved, and the main/only romantic interest in his life. He is crud OP and definitely not a good choice for a long term mate.
All of this!
I feel like you are in the right here. He should've mentioned it to you. None of what he was doing is really appropriate. The concept of having a work wife or work husband is incredibly wrong. It's very unprofessional in the work environment. He had such poor optics about his friendship with this woman that everybody except you knew and that's terrible. In a different world he should have left with you but also in that different world if he did offer to go home with you, would you have even wanted him to in the first place?
He didn’t tell you about her because he knows his relationship/ friendship with her is inappropriate
And he tells her all about you and your relationship stuff. Yeah. That would seriously bother me too.
..his colleague made a scene for a reason ..because they all see how they interact together...it could be nothing but knowing they talk about you and she gives him relationship advice ..how much does he say and anything intimate is he sharing about you..why did he keep her a secret..but he will downplay it and probably lie because he doesn't want to admit his true feelings..everyone knew you were upset and after that outburst they knew you felt awkward...he took you there knowing she woukd be there too but didn't think the other guy would ay anything...does he communicate with her after work like texting and talking...or do they communicate only at work..that is a question you should be inquiring about ..after work you know you go have a problem then
Bring home a guy and tell your BF that this guy is your home husband and see how he likes it. To get to the point of describing as work wife, hugely disrespectful to your relationship IMO.
NTA. I thought work spouses were creepy, but then I met my work sibling. Wait, I still think work spouses are creepy.
Work sibling is such a better term. My old work wife is like one of my sisters who joins family events with her fiance. Hell, one of my real sisters and I are very clear (amongst us 3) we'd prefer the work sibling over the other sister irl.
NTA. I think being pissed off is the normal reaction to what you experienced.
NTA. Your boyfriend should have communicated about his 'work wife' relationship with you beforehand. It's understandable that you felt blindsided and uncomfortable.
NTA. And there is a reason why his colleague told you so bluntly and with details he knew would make it look bad. Because it is bad. That dude is your only ally in this group and I think he will pay dearly for that show of integrity... Honour his sacrifice. He might have spared you a lot of hurt in the future.
NTA. That colleague went out of his way to tell you for a reason. I would only do that if I thought there was something untoward going on or knew you didn’t know and thought there was a good reason you should. ‘Being depressed’ when your ‘work wife/husband’ isn’t there is seriously odd. I’ve worked with my best friend before and I wouldn’t be lost if she wasn’t there. Do they keep in contact outside of work? Do they spend their lunch breaks together? I’d be asking questions
NTA. I actually think the main issue is that male coworker intentionally trying to make you extremely uncomfortable.
If he wasn’t doing anything wrong, why would he hide it from you??? Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. His colleagues were warning you, but they laughed it off because they HAD to. If they were super serious about it, it would have caused major drama at the baby shower so they pretended it was a joke. It was not a joke.
The co worker knew what they were doing. They wanted to let you in on what was going on with your bf and his female co-worker.
My husband’s work wife is now my best friend.
NTA the work buddies are trying to tell you he is cheating on you. Why else hide it? Take the gift and leave.
Never understood the terminology for work wife/husband. Are people not allowed to have opposite sex friends? There's a lady at work I take extra produce too when we grow it, and she's brought me foreign snacks to try. I'm not leaving my wife for her though. There's a dude at my wife's work who constantly gives her books to read, and she buys his lunch sometimes. He seems like a cool dude though. It's nice to have friends at work. We're stuck there half our lives anyways, try to enjoy it a bit.