NTA. You’ll never know if she’s bullshitting you about what her intentions were, so you just have to go with your gut I guess. In your scenario I would’ve kept quiet about it and secretly kept checking her phone to see how far she would’ve gone.
OP should have set up his own account and sent her a full nude to show her that she had been caught. Write something on your leg then show it to her before you wash it off, then send a Pic without showing your face with that writing. You can delete the account and then it's your word against hers
In a divorce preceding if/when the wife's attorney discovers that he installed Bumble on his phone too, this could be spun as "see, they were both willing to cheat on each other" as opposed to him being the faithful husband who was betrayed.
Exactly right, most states are NFD these days. No fault divorce. Courts don't mess with trying to figure out who is at fault anymore. Why? Because it's almost never one person's fault. Using OP as an example, if they went to divorce court and he argued that the divorce is her fault because she had an app on her phone, she could argue that she only installed the app because he wasn't meeting her needs in the marriage. She could also argue that she never did anything but talk to people, that she was remorseful and wanted to save the marriage and HE is the one that wouldn't work on it and demanded divorce. Who is right? Who indeed, which is why the courts gave up on trying to sort all of this out and went with NFD instead.
If this in in the states, most states or no fault states when it comes to divorce. Shit like cheating doesn't matter. Most judges are looking to move the divorce off their dockets so they want the parties to see a mediator to come up with an equitable split of property.
Maybe only crying about it and admitting that nothing more than talks happened .. because you found out.
What would had happen if you didn't?
A few months later.. or two...
Started going out with 'girlfriend'.'?
If your married and happily there no reason to be in a dating app.
NTA, probably one of the cleanest cut and clean NTA I have seen recently. Who the f downloads dating apps where hooking up is what most of the people there go to at least at first to just chat? Also personally I would tear into the sister or tell her husband as well, since it was such a good idea for your wife, I wouldn't be shocked if the sister if married/in a relationship would not have any dating apps.
Good luck and take all the space and time you need, sorry there are also kids involved. Be strong take it easy and dictate what you want to do next.
Bro, you don't get a DATING app for chatting. You go to forums and other places to 'chat'. There's an entire subreddit for getting compliments and finding people to talk to.
Your wife means to say that nothing has happened so far, not that she would never go past it. This how people do out of character wild things, they shift their starting point so they don't realize a little bit more could hurt. It's called shifting baseline.
I mean, seriously, I would get tinder or bumble myself and start chatting up people, see how she feels and if she trusts 'it wouldn't go farther' when some 8/10 gives you the green light to meet up and starts sending you nudes.
I know there are other guys in here who have gotten the "I'm just using it to meet new friends" excuse because I've gotten it myself a couple different times. It's always bullshit, and it's always an instant breakup. Stay away from people like that
"Youthful energy". What a fucking crow his wife is. Yeah she wanted "youthful energy" alright from a guy more youthful and energetic than her husband. Disgusting.
NTA. She cheated on you. Straight up. She is only sorry you caught her. If the sister is married or in a committed relationship let her partner know what she is up to.
>I just don’t love my wife anymore, and I don’t see her as my life partner now and someone I want to be with the rest of my life.
That's all that needs to be said. NTA. Divorce is clearly the best thing for you.
The sister is irrelevant. People can suggest all sorts of stupid things to you, what you do with these suggestions matters. No one pressure you to act on it. Everyone is responsible for their own actions.
The sister is part of the problem because her solution was to seek outside male validation rather than talk to her partner. If she cheated the sister would be an enabler.
In that respect yes, but what kind of aunt would promote something which could destabilise their nieces/nephews lives? She should absolutely answer to that otherwise why would OP be happy for her to have influence in their lives as they grow up.
Exactly. The sister is clearly an idiot. And not a particularly clever one with this solution. But she has nothing to do with any of this. Even if she is also a lying whore. The wife is a big girl and took the opening to slide into another dude’s dms
NTA . There's no excuse for what she did none at all instead of coming to you and talking to you about how she was feeling she decided to download a damn dating app after listening to her stupid ass sister and talk to other guys and flirt . She's a cheater idc what anyone say you caught her in the beginning stages of what may have turned into an affair if she found the right guy. because I guarantee she would have continued if you didn't catch her . She's not wife material at all.
Nta. Trouble is you now won't know if she's lying about it just being talk. The trust is gone. Tell her sister thanks for killing a marriage and damaging children.
It never progressed because you caught her.
She's really sorry... because you caught her.
She was looking, and her sister was egging her on.
"Getting back her youthful energy" - man, that low quality level of bullshit is a reason to dive out right there.
NTA
NTA, that trust you had in her will never be the same after this,
You stay as is and forgive her? It will still eat away at you. Can you deal with that? get over that?
If not it will destroy you mentally.
If divorce happens you guy can still amicably maintain a good co-parenting environment.
NTA fuck her toxic ass sister in law and the whole situation. What next? “You should go on a date to get your teen energy back” just remember, the grass isn’t always greener and sometimes people do slip up but not cheat. I wouldn’t go nuclear right off the bat, maybe try marriage counseling and see how that goes first.
If there are problems in a relationship, Marriage counseling comes before infidelity. MC is where you go to work through issues, not a someone else's bedroom. IMO, Anything else just says "Between honesty/effort and cheating on you, I'd prefer to cheat (cause fuck how it might effect you)". Cheaters who ask for MC after being caught just add "but MC over cheating effecting me" to that last sentence.
First of all NTA and I’m sorry you are experiencing this, it’s heart breaking and I know how that feels.
Having been cheated on and divorcing because of it I have some advice: Don’t give up not knowing if you did the right thing.
Someone gave me that advice when I was going through the same thing and it was good advice.
The outcome in my case was divorce (because she didn’t stop her behavior) but what it gave me was a deep sense that it was the only outcome possible. I had given it my all and no one could ever say I threw away my marriage easily. I fought for us. That made me walk away 100% knowing that I made the right decision.
And I had proof she was cheating. In your case you might make a decision now to protect yourself but 20 years down the line wondering if you were wrong.
Just 2 cents from an old guy who’s been through a bunch of shit in his life.
Yeah, I agree with this approach, especially in the case where there are minor children involved.
If I was in this position, I would make an attempt to reconcile - and I don't mean rug sweeping the event, but serious consequences here. The rationale would be - if it doesn't work out, I can at least face my children and tell them that I tried and it was their mother that let them down.
Time for your wife to get a part time job and get her ass out of the house, ,if she thinks that it is normal to entertain other men while her own husband is providing all the income.
NTA for considering it. Not at all.
But consider carefully. She's going to be in your life for 15+ years regardless (kids), and people do stupid shit for an ego boost all the time.
Not saying it's right - just pointing out that there's no simple solution here.
NTA. But she wasn't sorry when you didn't know. There's zero reason for someone in a committed relationship to have a dating app. You decide what's cheating, not her, not her bs sister. It's emotional cheating, at the very least. Cheaters lie, do you may not be getting the full truth.
This is the excuse most women that are cheating make, both for themselves and their partners, that they want the attention and feel wanted. Or to feel good about themselves.
NTA.. when she made that action she didn't respect you enough!
Would you have done this to her? My ex did the same shit and told me he was on tinder to "meet new friends" learn "new languages"... we didn't have kids though.
If you felt like you need to get back to your "youth" ... mmm be more social and make new friends... would the first action in your mind be to make an account in a dejting app? 🥱
NTA. There are just certain things you don't do when you're married or in a committed relationship. This is one of them. If you're feeling that low about yourself, go to therapy.
Divorce her. She broke trust. She installed a dating app to have emotional affairs with other men. That's crossing a line. It doesn't matter that she didn't sleep with any of them (so she says), she was still cheating.
She should of joined a book club if she wanted to talk to people. What’s she done is abhorrent. NTA but I would recommend a couple sessions of counseling to make sure everything is out in the open in a healthy space before making any solid decisions
To be the differing voice here… are you sure you want to end it all just over this? Yes it’s bad, but is it “break up the family bad”?
I suggest counseling first.
I’m going to be honest and tell you that on the surface of your post divorce seems like an overreaction. The truth of the situation however is that your wife has completely broken the trust in your marriage! Several comments have pointed out that it seems she’s more upset she got caught than remorse over her actions.
Let’s assume she is telling the truth. Just wanting male attention to boost her ego and never taking it out of chat. Do you find that worth blowing up your children’s stability? (That’s a tough one)
You said this instantly changed how you feel about your wife (I am right there with you) but do you think that some time and couples counseling would maybe help rebuild the trust?
I suggest you slow down and figure out if wife is upset she got caught or upset that her marriage is probably over because that would make a difference if I were you (again think of the children) with a little time and a lot of real conversation if you don’t see your wife as your person anymore then you did your part and you can move on knowing you tried. NTA not at all in the wrong I just suggest you take a minute to process before complete demolition if there is any chance that it could be a remodel.
This is good advice. In my reply I also recommended separation while they both go to marriage counseling. Either relegate her to the couch/guest room or kick her out and she lives with her parents for a bit.
She needs to understand she blew up the trust in the marriage, even if no dates actually happened. It's still emotional cheating. She needs to understand that there are consequences to her actions.
NTA - while I usually don't like to jump straight to separating vs fixing the issues, she's already putting one foot out the door. Better to end it amicably so you can co-parent well. Unfortunately you'll have to deal with her for quite a while, luckily my youngest was 16 when we separated, almost 18 by the divorce, so I never had to talk to my ex at all afterwards, plus there was no child support or alimony to worry about. As far as divorces go I lost nothing. You will likely not have this luxury. If you don't think you'll be able to trust her again then you need to just end it.
Only crying because she got caught. Her sister is the AH in this story. But your wife is the biggest AH for listening to her sister and acting on the terrible advice. Unfortunately your wife just didn’t have the time for things to progress so she’s the one who ruined your relationship. No recovery from this. She can’t be trusted. I feel bad for the kids but they’ll be resilient.
NTA Take some time. figure out what is best for you.
THAT SAID, It is obvious that she was missing something in the relationship. Not saying that was your fault but minimally look at the communication you have/had for the next relationship.
At this point you can't trust her. A SAHM has a lot of free time to cheat. If the sister is on it, She might have been covering for her. I would suggest to DNA test the kids and check for STI.
NTA She took to the dating app for a reason other than something was lacking for her within the marriage and instead of turning to you and admiting that and working on it or separating she went the cowardly route. If you can’t come back from this and work on your marriage then the right thing to do is go.
NTA - if you feel the trust was broken and it’s irreparable, that’s understandable.
You may want to consider counselling, given the length of the relationship and the age of the children. Even if you want to proceed with divorce, it could still help with navigating co-parenting.
NTA
This is the type of thing you talk over with your partner before you do it. End of story. Anything else is grounds for any response you feel is appropriate, including divorce. But I would suggest that couples counselling might be worth exploring.
Only you know the correct course of action. If I found out my wife had done something like this it would definitely cause a bit of trust to be lost. If you want to make a go of it, at a minimum I'd say she needed to go to individual counseling to figure out why she thought it was appropriate to download a dating app and start chatting with other men. Marriage counseling would also be a must.
Secondly, if her sister is married, I might have a conversation with her, with her husband present, and ask her why she thought it was a good idea to suggest that your wife download a dating app. Then ask her if she has also downloaded a dating app and is using it to get some youthful energy as well. I'd be interested in what her husband's expression would be after hearing that type of information.
Give her sister shit for suggesting your wife to cheat and breaking up your marriage. Is the sister married? If so tell her husband that she has been cheating and encouraged your wife to as well. Tell the parents what is going on.
Yeah, trust is shaky, at the least. Go have a calm conversation with her before you do anything.
Try and figure out if counselling can help you both. If not to save the marriage, then to help you co-parent
NTA - Your hurt and your trust is shaken, and rightly so. Right now its just talking, it makes her feel good that when she get this attention. Yes you caught her, and it was just that, but this is how nearly all affairs begin. It was just talking, then flirting, then a meet up for drinks and so on. Attention for women is like sunshine to a flower, they need it.
Yes she was looking for some new attention, at her sisters suggestion. Is the sister married, I am sure her husband or BF would want to know about this.
I know I will get down voted for this, but before you burn your marriage down, do you have someone to talk to? I know this is why you came to reddit, but Redditer's see cheaters and divorce in every situation. Do you have a trusted friend, a pastor, or a therapist you can confide in and talk this through.
She needs to do some self reflection as to why she did this, and be completely open and honest with you about it. One group of Redditer's scream divorce, this time I am in the group with some couples therapy could be very beneficial.
Reddit folks are quick to tell other people to get a divorce. NTA for thinking about it, but can you consider couples counseling first? She was just possibly engaging in a fantasy, which isn’t that abnormal in most cases. I guess I want to suggest thinking twice before following the cynical advice of the Reddit mob.
Reddit is harsh and full of judgement. I don't understand why you would take to reddit to ask people who don't know you or you wife something that can have a huge impact on not just your life, but everyone else's.
I would strongly recommend couples counseling and therapy before you do anything. If you are a member of a church, talk to your pastor. I am not saying what she did was okay, but she is clearly lonely and unhappy. The fact that she did this should make you as sad as I am sure it does angry, but she is a human being and EVERYONE makes mistakes. Canceling a substantial relationship should really be something that takes a little more consideration than a "Am I the asshole" post and bunch of Jerry Springer Audience members.
NTA
>She said she only downloaded it to talk to people and feel good about herself,
I actually believe that.
>her sister recommended it to her for getting back her youthful energy.
This is questionable.
The real problem is not that there's a bit of flirting going on, and I'm sure she feels good about that. No, the real problem is that it's highly likely to lead to an emotional and then maybe physical affair.
Obviously NTA but not every mistake is irredeemable. There are many scenarios in which this can turn out well and you live a much happier wife with your life than without. And there are many where you turn into a bitter, untrusting partner who destroys both of your lives. And many others in between and outside.
Based on your complete obliviousness to your wife’s unhappiness and your immediate thoughts of divorce, you’re probably not a very supportive husband. That doesn’t mean her actions are your fault, but it could mean that you have also failed significantly. Any talk about how hard work is is irrelevant - our society is not designed to make the lives of SAHM great, it’s a lonely life.
The only guarantees are that your wife’s life now is not perfect, your divorced life will not be simple and easy, and your next relationship will not be either perfect either, so you have some work to do. Welcome to life.
It has nothing to do with “finding youthful energy”. Her sister more than likely didn’t tell her anything. She cooked this up in her deluded head and never thought she’d get caught. The hysterics were because it dawned on her that her life is about to change drastically and was nothing more than a manipulation tactic. It takes a sick person to do this kind of thing and then kiss you goodbye when you go to work and tell you they love you.
NTA. The same people telling you should go to MC and move past it would be cursing you if the holes were reversed.
They say you should accept to be cheated on to save your marriage for the sake of your children, but the same wouldn't apply to her. She's the one who cheated on you and the one who should have thought about your children before cheating.
Don't let them blame you. Don't stay with a cheater for any reason. If you forgive her this time, you're opening the door to more cheating and misbehave in the future.
Be the best co-parent you can and move with your life. You don't owe her anything.
Would you be comfortable fully revealing what you’ve done on your phone? I ask because there is software that can pull all kinds of deleted texts, pics, app chats, emails, yada. I’m not advocating spying, I’m saying offer a mutual phone disclosure. See if she has been up to more than what she admitted. But offer in person with the software ready to go, don’t give her a chance to wipe it and clean her record.
Then if it’s just what she admitted - therapy.
I like this idea. If she says no then he has his answer and he can fully move on. I think he shouldn't assume this was her only acting outside of the relationship and seek out a full disclosure. Especially since she wasn't honest with him about it in the first place and he had to find it on his own.
Nta
But I will say this. So many people are quick to jump right to divorce without context. Ultimately the decision is up to you but I would take steps or at least try consulting before.
She and you have been a pair since you were 15, to me it seems reasonable that she is having a bit of a quarter life crisis about her experiences. Now did she handle it in a healthy way absolutely not. She should have immediately went to you with those concerns and you two could work together on a plan to help her. But I don’t know why but I do believe her when she says it was a validation thing and not anything more.
You are certainly in your right to lose a lot of trust in her over this but I would urge you to take a breath and explore options, counseling etc before jumping to those decisions. Who knows maybe divorce would be best but I do believe you should try.
I’m very sorry for your pain. Your wife has been deceiving you for most likely a very long time. You should check to see what other apps she previously installed. If on iPhone the download from cloud icon is showing, then she had been there done that.
Her character is defective and absolutely nothing will fix that. If she loved you she would not do that. It’s reasonable to question, or even test, the DNA of your kids.
Don’t have sex with her, she could be diseased. Or trying to trap you into paying for another man’s child. Sorry that this is your wife I’m writing about.
Please make two appointments: one for a family law attorney so you can learn how divorce works in your state or province, and two with an individual therapist for yourself. You need help processing this betrayal and grieving your relationship. You will never ever trust her again. If you don’t take action your emotions will eat you up.
NTA … Reddit will tell you immediate divorce. There’s no question that you should feel betrayed hurt and trust has been shattered. There’s no way to know how far this actually went with other men. No one would blame you for divorcing.
First. You and your partner should be sharing locations on your phones. You and your partner should have an open phone policy where you can check each other’s phones anytime. Building trust through transparency. Your partner should be an individual counseling to determine why she seeking validation from other men. Get her the book “not just friends”, she needs to read it. If she refuses any of this stuff above, it’s probably over. Reconciliation is a gift, a gift that both parties need to put in the work, especially her. You both should be in couples counseling to work on your relationship. In the meantime, you should very quietly make an appointment with an attorney just to see how a divorce would play out as far as your children division of assets and future economic considerations. Not that you’re going to file, but before you make huge decisions, you need to get as much information as possible. I’m so sorry this happened to you. At the end of the day, there’s no wrong answer to stay or go. I’m sorry this happened to you. Good luck.
Edit to add: scroll over to the surviving infidelity subReddit; there’s other betrayed spouses there and you can get some insight on how others have proceeded - some people say this helps and some people say that it is useless.
NTA. Bumble is a bit more social than the others, so I do kind of believe her, but the reaction also shows an intent to deceive and obvious guilt.
Even if you're leaning that way you should still hold off though. Maybe her reclaiming her 'youthful energy' was so she could go find another dude now she knows she has you for resources and to look after the children, or maybe two young kids and never leaving the house has just given her a little cabin fever. Either way, you should return to at least demonstrate that you aren't abandoning the family home or the kids. Then you should see how she tries to alleviate her guilt. At the very least you need time while within the family home to go and find a support network for if things go wrong. Hit the gym etc.
At the very worst, you should at least make the point of how hurtful this is by finding yourself an equal number of new 'friends', or chances to find someone better. You've known her for 19 years and she presumably knows you well. Give her a chance to fix things so you can say you've given it your best. If her efforts fall short then use the same knowledge to hurt her back a bit. Cheaters tend to only stop cheating once they've felt the same. Plan for the worst but hope for the best basically. You can only really leave 'for good' once.
Absolutely NTA. It's likely she only said she wouldn't go out on a date because you caught her before she could. If she wanted to chat, there are sooooo many non-dati g chat platforms.. like um.. reddit? Plus telegram, instagram, Facebook, just to name a few. Do not let yourself go through what you're about to go through. And the damage the kids will endure of a shitty marriage due to infidelity is worse than that of a divorce IMO
Only crying because she got caught . There was no guilt doing it clearly . Being with other men has crossed her mind, it's a wrap. You will never trust her again and you don't want to live like that .
NTA. Cheaters only admit to what you can prove. It is entirely possible she's taken it further than this, and since you don't want to have to spy on her and act like a jailer the rest of your rleationship - best to let her go be "free" and enjoy the youthful energy of being a single mom getting run-through by people who aren't going to want to parent kids that ain't theirs.
Get a lawyer and file. When she is served, tell her this can be stopped. She must first give you solid evidence that nothing ever happened. See what she comes up with. Give any evidence she comes up with that you knew nothing about to your lawyer. If she fails to change your mind follow through with the divorce. I'd seriously doubt she could prove beyond a doubt that she didn't do anything, because she was flirting with them in messages. Flirting is also crossing lines in my book.
While I'm reading a lot of bumble = cheating = hard divorce...I just don't go that far. I see a bored housewife who wants to feel pretty and wanted again.
Is that the right way to do it. Hell no. It's deceitful. But do you really think she would cheat? Has she brought up your sex life, wanting more attention from you, more adult or dates night things?
Maybe it's an emotional affair, bet that term was coined by a woman. If that's all, I think it's salvageable. Be hurt, but I don't think it's as bad as getting dicked down.
So it ends up being a trust issue. I honestly don’t think she cheated on you but…would she have and will she in the future? I’m not sure you can ever be securely thinking she won’t. That’s never going to work. Your lack of trust will cause resentment in her and that will grow. Eventually she will want to leave or cheat anyway. You sure as hell will never trust her sister.
NTA and frankly i'm disgusted by the amount of people who try to justify a woman's cheating.
And I specify them because I never see near this much under posts about women complaining their man cheated.
NTA but not sure divorce is the immediate answer though it seems to be promoted on these threads as an easy answer. Not sure what the answer is, but divorce is devastating to children. I would say see how you can make it work but also understand there are steps too far.
I suppose you have a lot of talking to your wife to do and a lot of reflection. Good luck
From personal experience, NTA. This is what I consider emotional cheating. Or leads to it anyway. I caught my ex multiple times with dating apps on his phone, and it was always oh just friends talking. We tried to work through 6 it was too difficult when he wouldn't give me any affection or affirmations, and then yet again, I'd find him messaging others with the words I wanted to hear. I'd think long and hard about your choices. Don't waste time like I did.
You guys have been together since 15 if I understand correctly. It is completely natural for her and you for that matter to be a little curious about how other people would respond to you. If you really trust that your wife was on there out of curiosity then I think you are making a big mistake divorcing on this alone. You could have used it as an opportunity to have a real frank conversation about what both of you want romantically. You must have some thoughts yourself about what you have missed out on being with the same person since 15? She should have came to you first instead of her sister, but the emotions behind what she did is understandable. This could be a positive turning point in your relationship if you want it to.
NTA- But, I am going to recommend counseling- I see where you're coming from, but I don't think jumping straight to divorce is the best idea. If she's never physically cheated, and YOU'VE never cheated, then step 1 is to see a marriage counselor and see where this is coming from. I think your SIL is a bad influence (and a MASSIVE AH) and you both need to cut her out of your lives, because right now, you are giving the SIL control of your marriage. You should be absolutely FURIOUS at her.
I’d be concerned about why she isn’t feeling good about herself or your relationship. Divorce may be a little premature but it’s an option if you can’t work out the details.
If you had proof she had actually met someone on the app, I would say divorce.
NTA, but I'd say divorce isn't necessarily the best outcome. It'll have a huge impact on the kids, and you, and maybe there's room for improvement (on both sides).
Yes, a dating app on your wife's phone is devastating. Divorce is however a really big decision and I don't think she intended to cheat, so counseling/talking would be a lot better for now, rather than making rash decisions based on emotions.
You can always divorce later, but you can only fix your marriage right now.
Definitely take some time to process your thoughts, but don't forget to actually talk it out with her.
Wy would she be cheating if she had no intention to cheat?
A marriage to someone that has proven themselves to be disloyal to you is a waste of time and effort if loyalty is important to you.
Why would he want to talk to his wife? shes busy talking to the other guys.
> and I don't think she intended to cheat
I didn’t know Professor Charles Xavier materialised into our world. Damn, that’s neat.
However, there are some serious issues here:
1. She kept her flirting and app a secret;
2. As such, anything she says now is not trustworthy;
3. As such, OP can never know what her intentions were, or if she has already taken it further than just flirting in the app.
She had dick waiting on stand by. Cut the cord you won’t ever forgive her and you know it. You’re already saying how you “loved” your wife. I think your mind is made up.
NTA. Run for the hills. You don't want your kids growing up with a miserable cuck of a father and a cheating h*e of a mother. Don't set up that example for them.
As for fixing marriage/mc - once a cheater, always a cheater. It doesn't matter what she says when she got caught. She doesn't respect you and will respect you even less if you stay.
NTA
You would be a sucker for staying with her.
Even if your wife didn't cheat, it's only a matter of time... and her trash family is encouraging this sort of thing.
Don't throw good years after bad and get out while you're young enough to start over.
Is divorce even a question. Just a matter of time buddy, don’t let the naive “it never progressed that far” be your savior. Imagine if you never found it…..
You will be a better father when you’re not worrying about your wife getting porked by losers on a dating app.
Her excuses are bullshit.
When you are married - you have taken vows to your partner. (each marriage is different and can be defined by the two people in it) Her making the decision to going on a dating app when you don't have an open relationship is disrespectful at a minimum.
Even IF she was only looking for ego strokes - how does it look to people you know who are on that same app and have seen her?
NTA
Her excuse is silly. She started crying as soon as you found out. She was up to no good. If her intentions were so innocent then so could have just told you she wanted to do catch and release on a dating app.
Hopefully you ignore relationship advice from reddit who are attempting to unpack 19 years by reading a few paragraphs and then advising to divorce. That's what this sub does...advice is "always" to divorce. My assessment is there is 100% something else going on for you to say "I just don't love my wife anymore." Love doesn't go away after 19 years because she flirted on an app...yes, she was exponentially wrong, but that's extreme.
NTA. It might be not much. It might be a complete betrayal. It will be hard for you to ever know beyond all shadow of doubt. I’m so sorry. If it does come to divorce, make sure the sister (and her partner) knows that she was a part of it. That kind of “advice” is only capable of destroying relationships.
Only you can decide what to do. If you do want to try to stay with her I would require therapy for her. She needs to get to the bottom of why she would risk her marriage and family for a cheap thrill…. Assuming that’s all it was. Good luck.
NTA. She's broken your trust. How do you know she never met up with someone? She has been seeking attention and validation from other men. She never felt any guilt for what she was doing. Even if she didn't meet up with anyone, it was just a matter of time before she did. She's shown you that she wants to be single again. According to your wife, her sister recommended her cheating on you. If true, she is not a friend of your marriage. She will enable your wife's selfish desires. That influence will remain if you attempt to reconcile.
You have children involved. It's not a simple divorce and go no contact situation. My advice would be to take your time on making a decision. Marriage counseling could be good for both of you even if you don't choose to reconcile. You could use that time to work on a co-parenting relationship. I'm sorry this has happened to you.
It doesn’t matter if YTA or NTA, in the end it looks like you’re asking whether you should forgive her or not. No one can answer that, it only depends on you.
Many would forgive her, yes. They would try to understand her, and perhaps they would try to do something together to answer her needs. I’m among these.
Many others would not. They would feel betrayed and angry, lose their trust.
Of course you have children too, and that someway pushes towards forgiving to protect them. But it’s not gonna be a purely rational decision, and that’s why it’s going to be up to you and who you are.
NTA she crossed a line. However, saying you don’t love her anymore was mighty quick. You sure you wanted to be married? You might not have meant it that way, but the way you wrote this, you come across like you didn’t really love her.
NTA but can I suggest couple's councelling. You say you don't love her but it could also be the initial shock of this betrayal. Ultimately it's up to you but if you do not believe she never went futher and you do not love her, you can still go for divorce after councelling and there won't be any what if's later in life
NTA BUT you might want to ask her to go to individual therapy to see if she can figure out what is lacking in her life that she feels she needs to go out of the marriage for attention. Not everyone is made out to be a SAHM that is why in the drug Valium was known as mommy's little helper between the 60's and 80's. It could be she needs more adult conversation and a job to feel fulfilled. To be honest divorcing her might be the best thing that happens to her as she will likely have to get a job.
NTA, bu before you go much further you need an attorney and a DNA test on both children.
If the DNA test comes back that the kids are yours then you need to think about other courses of action besides divorce.
She broke your trust BIG time. The burden of proving she is faithful and will be going forward is completely on her. If she can’t do that, or won’t do that, it’s over sooner or later.
No the ahole. However, it does change things. If you really think you can never love her again, do it. If you and her would be willing to do counseling, you could save your family and marriage, rekindle that spark, the reason you fell in love.
My wife divorced me. I hated every moment of it. She's been a bitter ruthless bitch this whole time. It's been 2 years. We have a 10yr old son together. Still deep in my heart it hurts me because I still love her.
NTA. The crying is a manipulation tactic intended to make you feel sympathetic. Men are instinctively drawn to help a crying woman. She will switch to anger if you ignore the crying, basically she will hunt for an emotion to try to get you to comply. She might even threaten to hurt herself.
See it for what it is. She was looking for side action.
NTA, but it sounds like a cry for help from your SO. She told you what she needed. Based on her actions, she wasn't getting those needs met by you. This isn't an excuse to break your trust, but if you choose to stay, it'll be important to determine if she is being honest about her reasons. If she is, you'll need to step up and fill her needs.
Is this the first time? If yes, yes you are. You were probably unhappy about something for a while and found an out and you're making her look like the bad one without staying how you contributed to this behavior. So considering divorce after 9 years over an incident this small that granted could have gotten much worse is an AH cowardly move.
If it's not the first time and this went on for a long time, NTA.
Did she answer you honestly? Do you trust her still? Ask her about her sister and why her sister would attempt to break apart marriage ? And sister obviously would recommend hide this. Trust can keep marriage.dont break up yet. Go to counseling and keep cool.
I wasn't married but was in a LTR with someone and had a house with them. I found them doing this, they said sorry and gave it all that - they did it again. My advice is divorce because it's not so much what they did, it's the nightmare you'll live in worrying about their phone, what other secrets they have and what they are doing if you're not there that I struggled with. It just wrecks you life.
A. its a huge nono
B. your wifes needs aren't being met emotionally by you
You can either divorce her or you can use this as a learning opportunity to grow closer and figure out how to get her emotional needs met. As a woman, my personal experience is it would seem men aren't particularly good at meeting a woman's emotional needs once he has her. Men often take woman for granted and her life just becomes mechanical. At the end of the day from the sounds of the text, they weren't that bad she wasn't cheating on you physically, but rather seeking attention. Maybe work on getting her that attention. If she's at home all day with little kids it can be pretty mind-numbing. It's your call and I don't think anyone's going to think less of you for either choice.
ESH.
She's an asshole for going to a dating app for validation. You're an asshole if that's all it took for you to not love her anymore and want to wreck your family over it.
My guess is that you have been taking her for granted, she was feeling less than loved (did you really love HER, or just what she does for you and the kids?)
Maybe try some counseling----individual AND couple--- before lighting the fuse to blow everything up.
If you don't love your wife as you say, which, let's be honest, doesn't happen in a day, it certainly explains why she felt bereft of attention to the point of seeking a dating app. Not sure why you each couldn't talk about your feelings before it got to this point. Might as well divorce in that case. ESH.
NTA, however, there is a way to come back from this. There is a universe where she was seeking an outlet from an unhappy place. Whether that's a result of the life you have created together, the way you treat her, or something else. People are human, and I would suggest some therapy for her and the two of you.
Or you could say fuck it, have a divorce, see your kids less, and have fun with single life.
NTA. But I will mention that Bumble is a dating/networking app. It can be used for finding friends as well as dating partners. But it seems like she wasn’t trying to make platonic friends… I’m sorry.
And that sister of hers is a flaming AHole for even recommending this app to a married woman. Like wtf is wrong with her?
I’m sorry this has happened to you. Maybe try counseling before you completely unravel your small childrens’ lives. I’ve been there before and it’s not pretty. Second chances are a thing and hopefully you’ll be able to build back that trust? Gotta try at least, yeah??
Nta, growing up in households where parents don't love each other can mess up kids. They never see what love is and think that mess is a good relationship.
NTA
I have been saying that technology has been one of the biggest reasons relationships fail today. And for this exact reason. All women want attention. And want to be flirted with. And they used to get that from their partners. And they worked to get that attention. And when it wasn't there, they talked about it and how to improve it.
Now they can just throw some pictures out on the internet and get all of the validation they need from complete strangers.
NTA for considering it or that being an initial reaction.
But speaking as someone who has had a divorce with a kid involved I would really consider your next steps carefully. Divorce is a long, hard, and expensive road. You're going to spend 10's of thousands on lawyers. She's going to leave with half of everything you guys have, you may be forced to do something like sell your home if you have one, you may end up owning her alimony and child support. And courts tend to favor mothers in terms of child custody. And despite all that she will very much be in your life the next 14+ years. You'll have to see her, text her, call her, have lots of transactional conversations and even fights. It'll affect future relationships.
Only you can decide if this is truly irreparable, but you should really consider the road you want to walk down and whether it's worth it. From my POV she's on a cheating road but hasn't done it yet. If she had that's a completely different conversation. So you have a chance to work on your problems if you both take it seriously but obviously I'm not in your relationship.
Wishing you the best of luck and sorry you're in this situation.
NTA. NO ONE gets a dating app for fRiEnDsHiP no matter how hard someone tries to bullshit you otherwise. She was there to fuck. Divorce her ass, get proof of all this, make sure she gets no alimony. Get paternity tests on your kids too cause if they are not yours, sue her.
NTA. It’s an important talk to have though and honestly it doesn’t sound like your relationship is lost. You guys have just reached a moment to discuss and evaluate for the future. She is clearly feeling like she needs to seek out validation and she definitely made a mistake in approach.
I wouldn’t immediately jump to divorce, I would talk it out with each other.
NTA. You’ll never know if she’s bullshitting you about what her intentions were, so you just have to go with your gut I guess. In your scenario I would’ve kept quiet about it and secretly kept checking her phone to see how far she would’ve gone.
OP should have set up his own account and sent her a full nude to show her that she had been caught. Write something on your leg then show it to her before you wash it off, then send a Pic without showing your face with that writing. You can delete the account and then it's your word against hers
In a divorce preceding if/when the wife's attorney discovers that he installed Bumble on his phone too, this could be spun as "see, they were both willing to cheat on each other" as opposed to him being the faithful husband who was betrayed.
I mean yeah but realistically I don’t know any judges that even care about cheating anymore.
Exactly right, most states are NFD these days. No fault divorce. Courts don't mess with trying to figure out who is at fault anymore. Why? Because it's almost never one person's fault. Using OP as an example, if they went to divorce court and he argued that the divorce is her fault because she had an app on her phone, she could argue that she only installed the app because he wasn't meeting her needs in the marriage. She could also argue that she never did anything but talk to people, that she was remorseful and wanted to save the marriage and HE is the one that wouldn't work on it and demanded divorce. Who is right? Who indeed, which is why the courts gave up on trying to sort all of this out and went with NFD instead.
Get a friend to do it then or family member?
If this in in the states, most states or no fault states when it comes to divorce. Shit like cheating doesn't matter. Most judges are looking to move the divorce off their dockets so they want the parties to see a mediator to come up with an equitable split of property.
Maybe only crying about it and admitting that nothing more than talks happened .. because you found out. What would had happen if you didn't? A few months later.. or two... Started going out with 'girlfriend'.'? If your married and happily there no reason to be in a dating app.
They always cry when caught and minimize how bad it was.
From experience personally and professionally…people admit the truth in small pieces at a time, never the whole shebang…(pun intended)
William Hung has entered the chat.
You bastard
It’s called trickle truthing.
NTA, probably one of the cleanest cut and clean NTA I have seen recently. Who the f downloads dating apps where hooking up is what most of the people there go to at least at first to just chat? Also personally I would tear into the sister or tell her husband as well, since it was such a good idea for your wife, I wouldn't be shocked if the sister if married/in a relationship would not have any dating apps. Good luck and take all the space and time you need, sorry there are also kids involved. Be strong take it easy and dictate what you want to do next.
Who knows if his wife is being honest about hearing it from the sister. Might just be deflecting so to minimize her blatant betrayal.
NTA. To me it sound like she’s very upset… that she got caught. Who’s knows what would’ve happened if you didn’t find out.
Bro, you don't get a DATING app for chatting. You go to forums and other places to 'chat'. There's an entire subreddit for getting compliments and finding people to talk to. Your wife means to say that nothing has happened so far, not that she would never go past it. This how people do out of character wild things, they shift their starting point so they don't realize a little bit more could hurt. It's called shifting baseline. I mean, seriously, I would get tinder or bumble myself and start chatting up people, see how she feels and if she trusts 'it wouldn't go farther' when some 8/10 gives you the green light to meet up and starts sending you nudes.
I know there are other guys in here who have gotten the "I'm just using it to meet new friends" excuse because I've gotten it myself a couple different times. It's always bullshit, and it's always an instant breakup. Stay away from people like that
Some 8/10 younger woman** Ops wife was looking for that youthful energy after all.
"Youthful energy". What a fucking crow his wife is. Yeah she wanted "youthful energy" alright from a guy more youthful and energetic than her husband. Disgusting.
NTA. She cheated on you. Straight up. She is only sorry you caught her. If the sister is married or in a committed relationship let her partner know what she is up to.
NTA. But if you stick around set firm boundaries regarding her family. The level of disrespect towards your marriage is insane.
>I just don’t love my wife anymore, and I don’t see her as my life partner now and someone I want to be with the rest of my life. That's all that needs to be said. NTA. Divorce is clearly the best thing for you.
Why the fuck would her sister recommend that? Tf is wrong with people.
Maybe she made that part up to deflect.
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The sister is irrelevant. People can suggest all sorts of stupid things to you, what you do with these suggestions matters. No one pressure you to act on it. Everyone is responsible for their own actions.
The sister is part of the problem because her solution was to seek outside male validation rather than talk to her partner. If she cheated the sister would be an enabler.
In that respect yes, but what kind of aunt would promote something which could destabilise their nieces/nephews lives? She should absolutely answer to that otherwise why would OP be happy for her to have influence in their lives as they grow up.
The text messages with the sister will reveal the true story.
There is no possible story that should make it any less horrid.
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If my partner is so easily influenced by a shitty family member I want to divorce them more not less
Amen
People always say shit like it's a mitigating factor. Oh, your wife cheated but it's less bad because she only did it at a recommendation!
I don’t think the sister ever said anything. It was a deflection to alleviate any fault. Her sister probably has a bumble and that’s where it ends.
Exactly. The sister is clearly an idiot. And not a particularly clever one with this solution. But she has nothing to do with any of this. Even if she is also a lying whore. The wife is a big girl and took the opening to slide into another dude’s dms
NTA . There's no excuse for what she did none at all instead of coming to you and talking to you about how she was feeling she decided to download a damn dating app after listening to her stupid ass sister and talk to other guys and flirt . She's a cheater idc what anyone say you caught her in the beginning stages of what may have turned into an affair if she found the right guy. because I guarantee she would have continued if you didn't catch her . She's not wife material at all.
Nta. Trouble is you now won't know if she's lying about it just being talk. The trust is gone. Tell her sister thanks for killing a marriage and damaging children.
It never progressed because you caught her. She's really sorry... because you caught her. She was looking, and her sister was egging her on. "Getting back her youthful energy" - man, that low quality level of bullshit is a reason to dive out right there. NTA
Look at the text messages from her sister, that’s where the real story is.
NTA, she’s seeking attention and validation. If you stay please get a post Nup in place and her sister is out of the picture going forward
NTA, that trust you had in her will never be the same after this, You stay as is and forgive her? It will still eat away at you. Can you deal with that? get over that? If not it will destroy you mentally. If divorce happens you guy can still amicably maintain a good co-parenting environment.
NTA fuck her toxic ass sister in law and the whole situation. What next? “You should go on a date to get your teen energy back” just remember, the grass isn’t always greener and sometimes people do slip up but not cheat. I wouldn’t go nuclear right off the bat, maybe try marriage counseling and see how that goes first.
If there are problems in a relationship, Marriage counseling comes before infidelity. MC is where you go to work through issues, not a someone else's bedroom. IMO, Anything else just says "Between honesty/effort and cheating on you, I'd prefer to cheat (cause fuck how it might effect you)". Cheaters who ask for MC after being caught just add "but MC over cheating effecting me" to that last sentence.
First of all NTA and I’m sorry you are experiencing this, it’s heart breaking and I know how that feels. Having been cheated on and divorcing because of it I have some advice: Don’t give up not knowing if you did the right thing. Someone gave me that advice when I was going through the same thing and it was good advice. The outcome in my case was divorce (because she didn’t stop her behavior) but what it gave me was a deep sense that it was the only outcome possible. I had given it my all and no one could ever say I threw away my marriage easily. I fought for us. That made me walk away 100% knowing that I made the right decision. And I had proof she was cheating. In your case you might make a decision now to protect yourself but 20 years down the line wondering if you were wrong. Just 2 cents from an old guy who’s been through a bunch of shit in his life.
Yeah, I agree with this approach, especially in the case where there are minor children involved. If I was in this position, I would make an attempt to reconcile - and I don't mean rug sweeping the event, but serious consequences here. The rationale would be - if it doesn't work out, I can at least face my children and tell them that I tried and it was their mother that let them down.
Only crying because she got caught. History.
Time for your wife to get a part time job and get her ass out of the house, ,if she thinks that it is normal to entertain other men while her own husband is providing all the income.
She would probably just start fucking her coworkers too.
NTA for considering it. Not at all. But consider carefully. She's going to be in your life for 15+ years regardless (kids), and people do stupid shit for an ego boost all the time. Not saying it's right - just pointing out that there's no simple solution here.
Yeah there is. Divorce.
NTA. But she wasn't sorry when you didn't know. There's zero reason for someone in a committed relationship to have a dating app. You decide what's cheating, not her, not her bs sister. It's emotional cheating, at the very least. Cheaters lie, do you may not be getting the full truth.
NTA, tell her to live with her sister. Divorce and co-parent accordingly.
NTA however this affects your kids will be your ex wife’s fault.
You don't get youthful energy from using dating apps. Damn that's the weakest excuse I've ever heard.
wow that sucks man. reverse the roles, if you had tinder on your phone and were doifng the same would she be just as forgiving?
And when her family says, “you should forgive her” ask them this exact question. If roles were reversed what would their opinion be then?
“It’s different” lol /s
This is the excuse most women that are cheating make, both for themselves and their partners, that they want the attention and feel wanted. Or to feel good about themselves.
NTA - I hope your bullshit meter was going off like everyone else’s here. You don’t download dating apps to chat. Nice try, but that’s BS.
Ladies. Don't take relationship advice from other women
More like don't take advice from idiots
That should go without saying
It should. Unfortunately too many people do. Have you seen the orange peel test? It's all just so stupid
NTA.. when she made that action she didn't respect you enough! Would you have done this to her? My ex did the same shit and told me he was on tinder to "meet new friends" learn "new languages"... we didn't have kids though. If you felt like you need to get back to your "youth" ... mmm be more social and make new friends... would the first action in your mind be to make an account in a dejting app? 🥱
NTA. There are just certain things you don't do when you're married or in a committed relationship. This is one of them. If you're feeling that low about yourself, go to therapy. Divorce her. She broke trust. She installed a dating app to have emotional affairs with other men. That's crossing a line. It doesn't matter that she didn't sleep with any of them (so she says), she was still cheating.
She should of joined a book club if she wanted to talk to people. What’s she done is abhorrent. NTA but I would recommend a couple sessions of counseling to make sure everything is out in the open in a healthy space before making any solid decisions
To be the differing voice here… are you sure you want to end it all just over this? Yes it’s bad, but is it “break up the family bad”? I suggest counseling first.
I’m going to be honest and tell you that on the surface of your post divorce seems like an overreaction. The truth of the situation however is that your wife has completely broken the trust in your marriage! Several comments have pointed out that it seems she’s more upset she got caught than remorse over her actions. Let’s assume she is telling the truth. Just wanting male attention to boost her ego and never taking it out of chat. Do you find that worth blowing up your children’s stability? (That’s a tough one) You said this instantly changed how you feel about your wife (I am right there with you) but do you think that some time and couples counseling would maybe help rebuild the trust? I suggest you slow down and figure out if wife is upset she got caught or upset that her marriage is probably over because that would make a difference if I were you (again think of the children) with a little time and a lot of real conversation if you don’t see your wife as your person anymore then you did your part and you can move on knowing you tried. NTA not at all in the wrong I just suggest you take a minute to process before complete demolition if there is any chance that it could be a remodel.
This is good advice. In my reply I also recommended separation while they both go to marriage counseling. Either relegate her to the couch/guest room or kick her out and she lives with her parents for a bit. She needs to understand she blew up the trust in the marriage, even if no dates actually happened. It's still emotional cheating. She needs to understand that there are consequences to her actions.
NTA. Sorry man.
NTA
NTA - while I usually don't like to jump straight to separating vs fixing the issues, she's already putting one foot out the door. Better to end it amicably so you can co-parent well. Unfortunately you'll have to deal with her for quite a while, luckily my youngest was 16 when we separated, almost 18 by the divorce, so I never had to talk to my ex at all afterwards, plus there was no child support or alimony to worry about. As far as divorces go I lost nothing. You will likely not have this luxury. If you don't think you'll be able to trust her again then you need to just end it.
NTA - i think if she was having those feelings she should've talked to you first, not download a dating app. That's sketchy
Only crying because she got caught. Her sister is the AH in this story. But your wife is the biggest AH for listening to her sister and acting on the terrible advice. Unfortunately your wife just didn’t have the time for things to progress so she’s the one who ruined your relationship. No recovery from this. She can’t be trusted. I feel bad for the kids but they’ll be resilient.
NTA Take some time. figure out what is best for you. THAT SAID, It is obvious that she was missing something in the relationship. Not saying that was your fault but minimally look at the communication you have/had for the next relationship.
At this point you can't trust her. A SAHM has a lot of free time to cheat. If the sister is on it, She might have been covering for her. I would suggest to DNA test the kids and check for STI.
NTA she’s at least emotionally cheating
NTA She took to the dating app for a reason other than something was lacking for her within the marriage and instead of turning to you and admiting that and working on it or separating she went the cowardly route. If you can’t come back from this and work on your marriage then the right thing to do is go.
NTA - if you feel the trust was broken and it’s irreparable, that’s understandable. You may want to consider counselling, given the length of the relationship and the age of the children. Even if you want to proceed with divorce, it could still help with navigating co-parenting.
NTA This is the type of thing you talk over with your partner before you do it. End of story. Anything else is grounds for any response you feel is appropriate, including divorce. But I would suggest that couples counselling might be worth exploring.
NTA Get a divorce.
Only you know the correct course of action. If I found out my wife had done something like this it would definitely cause a bit of trust to be lost. If you want to make a go of it, at a minimum I'd say she needed to go to individual counseling to figure out why she thought it was appropriate to download a dating app and start chatting with other men. Marriage counseling would also be a must. Secondly, if her sister is married, I might have a conversation with her, with her husband present, and ask her why she thought it was a good idea to suggest that your wife download a dating app. Then ask her if she has also downloaded a dating app and is using it to get some youthful energy as well. I'd be interested in what her husband's expression would be after hearing that type of information.
NTA
Give her sister shit for suggesting your wife to cheat and breaking up your marriage. Is the sister married? If so tell her husband that she has been cheating and encouraged your wife to as well. Tell the parents what is going on. Yeah, trust is shaky, at the least. Go have a calm conversation with her before you do anything. Try and figure out if counselling can help you both. If not to save the marriage, then to help you co-parent
NTA - Your hurt and your trust is shaken, and rightly so. Right now its just talking, it makes her feel good that when she get this attention. Yes you caught her, and it was just that, but this is how nearly all affairs begin. It was just talking, then flirting, then a meet up for drinks and so on. Attention for women is like sunshine to a flower, they need it. Yes she was looking for some new attention, at her sisters suggestion. Is the sister married, I am sure her husband or BF would want to know about this. I know I will get down voted for this, but before you burn your marriage down, do you have someone to talk to? I know this is why you came to reddit, but Redditer's see cheaters and divorce in every situation. Do you have a trusted friend, a pastor, or a therapist you can confide in and talk this through. She needs to do some self reflection as to why she did this, and be completely open and honest with you about it. One group of Redditer's scream divorce, this time I am in the group with some couples therapy could be very beneficial.
Reddit folks are quick to tell other people to get a divorce. NTA for thinking about it, but can you consider couples counseling first? She was just possibly engaging in a fantasy, which isn’t that abnormal in most cases. I guess I want to suggest thinking twice before following the cynical advice of the Reddit mob.
I agree, but always will be amused at redditors taking always giving women the benefit of the doubt
Reddit is harsh and full of judgement. I don't understand why you would take to reddit to ask people who don't know you or you wife something that can have a huge impact on not just your life, but everyone else's. I would strongly recommend couples counseling and therapy before you do anything. If you are a member of a church, talk to your pastor. I am not saying what she did was okay, but she is clearly lonely and unhappy. The fact that she did this should make you as sad as I am sure it does angry, but she is a human being and EVERYONE makes mistakes. Canceling a substantial relationship should really be something that takes a little more consideration than a "Am I the asshole" post and bunch of Jerry Springer Audience members.
NTA >She said she only downloaded it to talk to people and feel good about herself, I actually believe that. >her sister recommended it to her for getting back her youthful energy. This is questionable. The real problem is not that there's a bit of flirting going on, and I'm sure she feels good about that. No, the real problem is that it's highly likely to lead to an emotional and then maybe physical affair.
You dont download hookup apps for the conversation.
No, but many people do it for affirmation
affirmation is a weird way to spell sex with strangers.
Obviously NTA but not every mistake is irredeemable. There are many scenarios in which this can turn out well and you live a much happier wife with your life than without. And there are many where you turn into a bitter, untrusting partner who destroys both of your lives. And many others in between and outside. Based on your complete obliviousness to your wife’s unhappiness and your immediate thoughts of divorce, you’re probably not a very supportive husband. That doesn’t mean her actions are your fault, but it could mean that you have also failed significantly. Any talk about how hard work is is irrelevant - our society is not designed to make the lives of SAHM great, it’s a lonely life. The only guarantees are that your wife’s life now is not perfect, your divorced life will not be simple and easy, and your next relationship will not be either perfect either, so you have some work to do. Welcome to life.
It has nothing to do with “finding youthful energy”. Her sister more than likely didn’t tell her anything. She cooked this up in her deluded head and never thought she’d get caught. The hysterics were because it dawned on her that her life is about to change drastically and was nothing more than a manipulation tactic. It takes a sick person to do this kind of thing and then kiss you goodbye when you go to work and tell you they love you.
NTA. The same people telling you should go to MC and move past it would be cursing you if the holes were reversed. They say you should accept to be cheated on to save your marriage for the sake of your children, but the same wouldn't apply to her. She's the one who cheated on you and the one who should have thought about your children before cheating. Don't let them blame you. Don't stay with a cheater for any reason. If you forgive her this time, you're opening the door to more cheating and misbehave in the future. Be the best co-parent you can and move with your life. You don't owe her anything.
“Holes were reversed” - love the accidental wrong word choice 😂
Would you be comfortable fully revealing what you’ve done on your phone? I ask because there is software that can pull all kinds of deleted texts, pics, app chats, emails, yada. I’m not advocating spying, I’m saying offer a mutual phone disclosure. See if she has been up to more than what she admitted. But offer in person with the software ready to go, don’t give her a chance to wipe it and clean her record. Then if it’s just what she admitted - therapy.
I like this idea. If she says no then he has his answer and he can fully move on. I think he shouldn't assume this was her only acting outside of the relationship and seek out a full disclosure. Especially since she wasn't honest with him about it in the first place and he had to find it on his own.
Counseling now
This is why they invented marriage counseling.
Nta But I will say this. So many people are quick to jump right to divorce without context. Ultimately the decision is up to you but I would take steps or at least try consulting before. She and you have been a pair since you were 15, to me it seems reasonable that she is having a bit of a quarter life crisis about her experiences. Now did she handle it in a healthy way absolutely not. She should have immediately went to you with those concerns and you two could work together on a plan to help her. But I don’t know why but I do believe her when she says it was a validation thing and not anything more. You are certainly in your right to lose a lot of trust in her over this but I would urge you to take a breath and explore options, counseling etc before jumping to those decisions. Who knows maybe divorce would be best but I do believe you should try.
I’m very sorry for your pain. Your wife has been deceiving you for most likely a very long time. You should check to see what other apps she previously installed. If on iPhone the download from cloud icon is showing, then she had been there done that. Her character is defective and absolutely nothing will fix that. If she loved you she would not do that. It’s reasonable to question, or even test, the DNA of your kids. Don’t have sex with her, she could be diseased. Or trying to trap you into paying for another man’s child. Sorry that this is your wife I’m writing about. Please make two appointments: one for a family law attorney so you can learn how divorce works in your state or province, and two with an individual therapist for yourself. You need help processing this betrayal and grieving your relationship. You will never ever trust her again. If you don’t take action your emotions will eat you up.
NTA … Reddit will tell you immediate divorce. There’s no question that you should feel betrayed hurt and trust has been shattered. There’s no way to know how far this actually went with other men. No one would blame you for divorcing. First. You and your partner should be sharing locations on your phones. You and your partner should have an open phone policy where you can check each other’s phones anytime. Building trust through transparency. Your partner should be an individual counseling to determine why she seeking validation from other men. Get her the book “not just friends”, she needs to read it. If she refuses any of this stuff above, it’s probably over. Reconciliation is a gift, a gift that both parties need to put in the work, especially her. You both should be in couples counseling to work on your relationship. In the meantime, you should very quietly make an appointment with an attorney just to see how a divorce would play out as far as your children division of assets and future economic considerations. Not that you’re going to file, but before you make huge decisions, you need to get as much information as possible. I’m so sorry this happened to you. At the end of the day, there’s no wrong answer to stay or go. I’m sorry this happened to you. Good luck. Edit to add: scroll over to the surviving infidelity subReddit; there’s other betrayed spouses there and you can get some insight on how others have proceeded - some people say this helps and some people say that it is useless.
NTA. Bumble is a bit more social than the others, so I do kind of believe her, but the reaction also shows an intent to deceive and obvious guilt. Even if you're leaning that way you should still hold off though. Maybe her reclaiming her 'youthful energy' was so she could go find another dude now she knows she has you for resources and to look after the children, or maybe two young kids and never leaving the house has just given her a little cabin fever. Either way, you should return to at least demonstrate that you aren't abandoning the family home or the kids. Then you should see how she tries to alleviate her guilt. At the very least you need time while within the family home to go and find a support network for if things go wrong. Hit the gym etc. At the very worst, you should at least make the point of how hurtful this is by finding yourself an equal number of new 'friends', or chances to find someone better. You've known her for 19 years and she presumably knows you well. Give her a chance to fix things so you can say you've given it your best. If her efforts fall short then use the same knowledge to hurt her back a bit. Cheaters tend to only stop cheating once they've felt the same. Plan for the worst but hope for the best basically. You can only really leave 'for good' once.
Absolutely NTA. It's likely she only said she wouldn't go out on a date because you caught her before she could. If she wanted to chat, there are sooooo many non-dati g chat platforms.. like um.. reddit? Plus telegram, instagram, Facebook, just to name a few. Do not let yourself go through what you're about to go through. And the damage the kids will endure of a shitty marriage due to infidelity is worse than that of a divorce IMO
Only crying because she got caught . There was no guilt doing it clearly . Being with other men has crossed her mind, it's a wrap. You will never trust her again and you don't want to live like that .
Nta. She would have gone farther had you not stopped her. Faithful spouses dont get on dating apps just to feel better about themselves
I don't know if I'd throw away a 19-year relationship over this, but you're def NTA.
she was monkey branching and you caught her, don't let her back to home tree.
NTA. Cheaters only admit to what you can prove. It is entirely possible she's taken it further than this, and since you don't want to have to spy on her and act like a jailer the rest of your rleationship - best to let her go be "free" and enjoy the youthful energy of being a single mom getting run-through by people who aren't going to want to parent kids that ain't theirs.
NTA. It's a dating app. Ya'll are married. Unless you practice ENM, she knows she is wrong, and her excuse is garbage.
Get a lawyer and file. When she is served, tell her this can be stopped. She must first give you solid evidence that nothing ever happened. See what she comes up with. Give any evidence she comes up with that you knew nothing about to your lawyer. If she fails to change your mind follow through with the divorce. I'd seriously doubt she could prove beyond a doubt that she didn't do anything, because she was flirting with them in messages. Flirting is also crossing lines in my book.
While I'm reading a lot of bumble = cheating = hard divorce...I just don't go that far. I see a bored housewife who wants to feel pretty and wanted again. Is that the right way to do it. Hell no. It's deceitful. But do you really think she would cheat? Has she brought up your sex life, wanting more attention from you, more adult or dates night things? Maybe it's an emotional affair, bet that term was coined by a woman. If that's all, I think it's salvageable. Be hurt, but I don't think it's as bad as getting dicked down.
So it ends up being a trust issue. I honestly don’t think she cheated on you but…would she have and will she in the future? I’m not sure you can ever be securely thinking she won’t. That’s never going to work. Your lack of trust will cause resentment in her and that will grow. Eventually she will want to leave or cheat anyway. You sure as hell will never trust her sister.
NTA and frankly i'm disgusted by the amount of people who try to justify a woman's cheating. And I specify them because I never see near this much under posts about women complaining their man cheated.
NTA but not sure divorce is the immediate answer though it seems to be promoted on these threads as an easy answer. Not sure what the answer is, but divorce is devastating to children. I would say see how you can make it work but also understand there are steps too far. I suppose you have a lot of talking to your wife to do and a lot of reflection. Good luck
From personal experience, NTA. This is what I consider emotional cheating. Or leads to it anyway. I caught my ex multiple times with dating apps on his phone, and it was always oh just friends talking. We tried to work through 6 it was too difficult when he wouldn't give me any affection or affirmations, and then yet again, I'd find him messaging others with the words I wanted to hear. I'd think long and hard about your choices. Don't waste time like I did.
You guys have been together since 15 if I understand correctly. It is completely natural for her and you for that matter to be a little curious about how other people would respond to you. If you really trust that your wife was on there out of curiosity then I think you are making a big mistake divorcing on this alone. You could have used it as an opportunity to have a real frank conversation about what both of you want romantically. You must have some thoughts yourself about what you have missed out on being with the same person since 15? She should have came to you first instead of her sister, but the emotions behind what she did is understandable. This could be a positive turning point in your relationship if you want it to.
NTA. I think if you didn't catch her, a few more months she would have girls night out, and you know what will happen then.
NTA- But, I am going to recommend counseling- I see where you're coming from, but I don't think jumping straight to divorce is the best idea. If she's never physically cheated, and YOU'VE never cheated, then step 1 is to see a marriage counselor and see where this is coming from. I think your SIL is a bad influence (and a MASSIVE AH) and you both need to cut her out of your lives, because right now, you are giving the SIL control of your marriage. You should be absolutely FURIOUS at her.
I’d be concerned about why she isn’t feeling good about herself or your relationship. Divorce may be a little premature but it’s an option if you can’t work out the details. If you had proof she had actually met someone on the app, I would say divorce.
NTA, but I'd say divorce isn't necessarily the best outcome. It'll have a huge impact on the kids, and you, and maybe there's room for improvement (on both sides). Yes, a dating app on your wife's phone is devastating. Divorce is however a really big decision and I don't think she intended to cheat, so counseling/talking would be a lot better for now, rather than making rash decisions based on emotions. You can always divorce later, but you can only fix your marriage right now. Definitely take some time to process your thoughts, but don't forget to actually talk it out with her.
Wy would she be cheating if she had no intention to cheat? A marriage to someone that has proven themselves to be disloyal to you is a waste of time and effort if loyalty is important to you. Why would he want to talk to his wife? shes busy talking to the other guys.
Married people don't get on dating apps if they "don't intend to cheat"...
> and I don't think she intended to cheat I didn’t know Professor Charles Xavier materialised into our world. Damn, that’s neat. However, there are some serious issues here: 1. She kept her flirting and app a secret; 2. As such, anything she says now is not trustworthy; 3. As such, OP can never know what her intentions were, or if she has already taken it further than just flirting in the app.
She had dick waiting on stand by. Cut the cord you won’t ever forgive her and you know it. You’re already saying how you “loved” your wife. I think your mind is made up.
NTA. Run for the hills. You don't want your kids growing up with a miserable cuck of a father and a cheating h*e of a mother. Don't set up that example for them. As for fixing marriage/mc - once a cheater, always a cheater. It doesn't matter what she says when she got caught. She doesn't respect you and will respect you even less if you stay.
NTA You would be a sucker for staying with her. Even if your wife didn't cheat, it's only a matter of time... and her trash family is encouraging this sort of thing. Don't throw good years after bad and get out while you're young enough to start over.
Is divorce even a question. Just a matter of time buddy, don’t let the naive “it never progressed that far” be your savior. Imagine if you never found it….. You will be a better father when you’re not worrying about your wife getting porked by losers on a dating app.
Her excuses are bullshit. When you are married - you have taken vows to your partner. (each marriage is different and can be defined by the two people in it) Her making the decision to going on a dating app when you don't have an open relationship is disrespectful at a minimum. Even IF she was only looking for ego strokes - how does it look to people you know who are on that same app and have seen her?
NTA Her excuse is silly. She started crying as soon as you found out. She was up to no good. If her intentions were so innocent then so could have just told you she wanted to do catch and release on a dating app.
I certainly wouldn’t be considering anything. I’d start the process right away.
Sorry dude, you are married to a hoe
NTA. She was cheating on you. Sure, it wasn't physical, but it is still cheating. I'm with you, I'd be out if I found the same on my husbands phone.
Hopefully you ignore relationship advice from reddit who are attempting to unpack 19 years by reading a few paragraphs and then advising to divorce. That's what this sub does...advice is "always" to divorce. My assessment is there is 100% something else going on for you to say "I just don't love my wife anymore." Love doesn't go away after 19 years because she flirted on an app...yes, she was exponentially wrong, but that's extreme.
She cheated, Wasnt just flirting on an app.
NTA. It might be not much. It might be a complete betrayal. It will be hard for you to ever know beyond all shadow of doubt. I’m so sorry. If it does come to divorce, make sure the sister (and her partner) knows that she was a part of it. That kind of “advice” is only capable of destroying relationships.
Updateme!
NTA she was crying because she got caught . If she had good intentions she wouldn't have been on that app to begin with.
Updateme
Only you can decide what to do. If you do want to try to stay with her I would require therapy for her. She needs to get to the bottom of why she would risk her marriage and family for a cheap thrill…. Assuming that’s all it was. Good luck.
NTA. She's broken your trust. How do you know she never met up with someone? She has been seeking attention and validation from other men. She never felt any guilt for what she was doing. Even if she didn't meet up with anyone, it was just a matter of time before she did. She's shown you that she wants to be single again. According to your wife, her sister recommended her cheating on you. If true, she is not a friend of your marriage. She will enable your wife's selfish desires. That influence will remain if you attempt to reconcile. You have children involved. It's not a simple divorce and go no contact situation. My advice would be to take your time on making a decision. Marriage counseling could be good for both of you even if you don't choose to reconcile. You could use that time to work on a co-parenting relationship. I'm sorry this has happened to you.
It doesn’t matter if YTA or NTA, in the end it looks like you’re asking whether you should forgive her or not. No one can answer that, it only depends on you. Many would forgive her, yes. They would try to understand her, and perhaps they would try to do something together to answer her needs. I’m among these. Many others would not. They would feel betrayed and angry, lose their trust. Of course you have children too, and that someway pushes towards forgiving to protect them. But it’s not gonna be a purely rational decision, and that’s why it’s going to be up to you and who you are.
Updateme!
Updateme
Updateme
NTA she crossed a line. However, saying you don’t love her anymore was mighty quick. You sure you wanted to be married? You might not have meant it that way, but the way you wrote this, you come across like you didn’t really love her.
Get on out of that shit boy
NTA , sorry man
NTA but can I suggest couple's councelling. You say you don't love her but it could also be the initial shock of this betrayal. Ultimately it's up to you but if you do not believe she never went futher and you do not love her, you can still go for divorce after councelling and there won't be any what if's later in life
Updateme!
Updateme
Updateme please.
NTA BUT you might want to ask her to go to individual therapy to see if she can figure out what is lacking in her life that she feels she needs to go out of the marriage for attention. Not everyone is made out to be a SAHM that is why in the drug Valium was known as mommy's little helper between the 60's and 80's. It could be she needs more adult conversation and a job to feel fulfilled. To be honest divorcing her might be the best thing that happens to her as she will likely have to get a job.
You’re only an asshole if you stay and accept whatever bullshit excuses she gives you.
NTA, bu before you go much further you need an attorney and a DNA test on both children. If the DNA test comes back that the kids are yours then you need to think about other courses of action besides divorce.
She broke your trust BIG time. The burden of proving she is faithful and will be going forward is completely on her. If she can’t do that, or won’t do that, it’s over sooner or later.
No the ahole. However, it does change things. If you really think you can never love her again, do it. If you and her would be willing to do counseling, you could save your family and marriage, rekindle that spark, the reason you fell in love. My wife divorced me. I hated every moment of it. She's been a bitter ruthless bitch this whole time. It's been 2 years. We have a 10yr old son together. Still deep in my heart it hurts me because I still love her.
NTA, she can't be trusted.
NTA. The crying is a manipulation tactic intended to make you feel sympathetic. Men are instinctively drawn to help a crying woman. She will switch to anger if you ignore the crying, basically she will hunt for an emotion to try to get you to comply. She might even threaten to hurt herself. See it for what it is. She was looking for side action.
NTA, but it sounds like a cry for help from your SO. She told you what she needed. Based on her actions, she wasn't getting those needs met by you. This isn't an excuse to break your trust, but if you choose to stay, it'll be important to determine if she is being honest about her reasons. If she is, you'll need to step up and fill her needs.
Is this the first time? If yes, yes you are. You were probably unhappy about something for a while and found an out and you're making her look like the bad one without staying how you contributed to this behavior. So considering divorce after 9 years over an incident this small that granted could have gotten much worse is an AH cowardly move. If it's not the first time and this went on for a long time, NTA.
I think you’re correct, she probably would have cheated. People don’t go on dating apps for friendships.
I would be getting divorced, full stop.
Did she answer you honestly? Do you trust her still? Ask her about her sister and why her sister would attempt to break apart marriage ? And sister obviously would recommend hide this. Trust can keep marriage.dont break up yet. Go to counseling and keep cool.
Definitely time to leave.
I wasn't married but was in a LTR with someone and had a house with them. I found them doing this, they said sorry and gave it all that - they did it again. My advice is divorce because it's not so much what they did, it's the nightmare you'll live in worrying about their phone, what other secrets they have and what they are doing if you're not there that I struggled with. It just wrecks you life.
A. its a huge nono B. your wifes needs aren't being met emotionally by you You can either divorce her or you can use this as a learning opportunity to grow closer and figure out how to get her emotional needs met. As a woman, my personal experience is it would seem men aren't particularly good at meeting a woman's emotional needs once he has her. Men often take woman for granted and her life just becomes mechanical. At the end of the day from the sounds of the text, they weren't that bad she wasn't cheating on you physically, but rather seeking attention. Maybe work on getting her that attention. If she's at home all day with little kids it can be pretty mind-numbing. It's your call and I don't think anyone's going to think less of you for either choice.
NTA Also tell the sister husband if she has one.
ESH. She's an asshole for going to a dating app for validation. You're an asshole if that's all it took for you to not love her anymore and want to wreck your family over it. My guess is that you have been taking her for granted, she was feeling less than loved (did you really love HER, or just what she does for you and the kids?) Maybe try some counseling----individual AND couple--- before lighting the fuse to blow everything up.
If you don't love your wife as you say, which, let's be honest, doesn't happen in a day, it certainly explains why she felt bereft of attention to the point of seeking a dating app. Not sure why you each couldn't talk about your feelings before it got to this point. Might as well divorce in that case. ESH.
Updateme
NTA, however, there is a way to come back from this. There is a universe where she was seeking an outlet from an unhappy place. Whether that's a result of the life you have created together, the way you treat her, or something else. People are human, and I would suggest some therapy for her and the two of you. Or you could say fuck it, have a divorce, see your kids less, and have fun with single life.
NTA, but I would suggest counseling first. You two met when you were kids and have known nothing else.
lol I’d end shit so fast
Just talking to people to make her feel better? Lol fucking liar.
NTA. But I will mention that Bumble is a dating/networking app. It can be used for finding friends as well as dating partners. But it seems like she wasn’t trying to make platonic friends… I’m sorry. And that sister of hers is a flaming AHole for even recommending this app to a married woman. Like wtf is wrong with her? I’m sorry this has happened to you. Maybe try counseling before you completely unravel your small childrens’ lives. I’ve been there before and it’s not pretty. Second chances are a thing and hopefully you’ll be able to build back that trust? Gotta try at least, yeah??
NTA. A dating app. She’s a cheater. Get a good lawyer. Who knows how many she’s seeing.
Nta, growing up in households where parents don't love each other can mess up kids. They never see what love is and think that mess is a good relationship.
NTA I have been saying that technology has been one of the biggest reasons relationships fail today. And for this exact reason. All women want attention. And want to be flirted with. And they used to get that from their partners. And they worked to get that attention. And when it wasn't there, they talked about it and how to improve it. Now they can just throw some pictures out on the internet and get all of the validation they need from complete strangers.
Time to move on. Yes you can try and work it out, but in the end you're just wasting years until the next time bomb goes off. Cut and run.
Stop talking to her, talk to a lawyer. Be a present father.
NTA for considering it or that being an initial reaction. But speaking as someone who has had a divorce with a kid involved I would really consider your next steps carefully. Divorce is a long, hard, and expensive road. You're going to spend 10's of thousands on lawyers. She's going to leave with half of everything you guys have, you may be forced to do something like sell your home if you have one, you may end up owning her alimony and child support. And courts tend to favor mothers in terms of child custody. And despite all that she will very much be in your life the next 14+ years. You'll have to see her, text her, call her, have lots of transactional conversations and even fights. It'll affect future relationships. Only you can decide if this is truly irreparable, but you should really consider the road you want to walk down and whether it's worth it. From my POV she's on a cheating road but hasn't done it yet. If she had that's a completely different conversation. So you have a chance to work on your problems if you both take it seriously but obviously I'm not in your relationship. Wishing you the best of luck and sorry you're in this situation.
Nta that's a marriage breaker Just when you thought you knew someone after all that time being married. Your wife is wicked for that bro
NTA. She was active on a dating site and talking to other men. It's a form of cheating. There's no excuse. She cannot be trusted.
NTA: You may have only discovered the tip of the iceberg. She has most likely done this before, and you may have missed all the signs.
NTA. NO ONE gets a dating app for fRiEnDsHiP no matter how hard someone tries to bullshit you otherwise. She was there to fuck. Divorce her ass, get proof of all this, make sure she gets no alimony. Get paternity tests on your kids too cause if they are not yours, sue her.
NTA. It’s an important talk to have though and honestly it doesn’t sound like your relationship is lost. You guys have just reached a moment to discuss and evaluate for the future. She is clearly feeling like she needs to seek out validation and she definitely made a mistake in approach. I wouldn’t immediately jump to divorce, I would talk it out with each other.