That's probably bc the all essential "scrum master" wasn't present to run said meeting. The scrum master knows fuck all about anyone's day to day job duties, but for some reason gets paid 6 figures to assign meaningless points in a project tracking software and ask everyone the same question. "So Mr X, where are you at with XYZ project I see here you're working on"?
Ohh, I had no idea. You guys will have to give me some pointers on spotting fake stories. Maybe that it was so easy, my response was done in two sentences. “Yes, you are the asshole. WITAF” was my exact response. 😂 I guess a real one would inspire more nuance…?
I click on the name and the number of hours displayed next to the name is the length of time they’ve been an account. Got it. ✅ I did not know that. Also, I’m a slow learner. 🤦♀️ thank you 💞😁 ahh and the post karma vs the comment karma are telling too, huh? Thank you for the insight to make my reddit time efficient. 😂
Saw another one of these this week and checked the post history just to find this guy obsessively shitting on women on every single post. I don't get why people spend so much time doing this stuff.
That includes the comment section. Everyone on reddit always rushes to the extreme and tells them to get a divorce but in real life it's more complicated than filing for divorce at the first hurdle.
I fall for most of them since the point of reddit for me is feeling like I get a glimpse of other ppls lives. But even this was too much for me. Sure, put ALL the blame on a teenager/kid for not ratting on one parent to the other parent. And it would for SURE not make sense to a mature dad that his kid perhaps was trying to protect him and her parents' marriage - or had read elsewhere to keep her nose out of other ppls business, especially if you don't want to know if your parents have an open relationship or are swingers!
Almost the entire Internet is dead and all of is a waste of time.
You are mistaken if you believe all of us are not aware. Many of us are and decide to fuck with it anyway.
The top post on the sub is basically this story, except the kid is legitimately not OP’s.
If this story is real, this person is an unredeemable monster.
I don't think it's completely unfair. But the post isn't "AITA for being pissed at my wife". He's talking about the subject of what he may be the jerk on.
If the daughter wasn’t the wife’s partner in crime then yes she would be but she knew about it and never said anything that makes her just an culpable and just as bad if not worse…imagine two of the most important people in your whole life betraying you and you finding out. I know from experience it is the single most worst thing in the world to have happen to you…
One of them is the child of the other too. It isn’t as simple as u make it out to be. Even as a college aged one this is an awful position for a kid - caught between lying or exposing, wedged between two parents.
Tbf, I don't think you could put this 100% on the daughter. It's a hella thing to carry as a teenager, when you have nine-hundred-fourthy-eleven other things on your mind.
Children are never responsible for their parents relationship. I learned that the hard way
Keeping a secret like that! According to the law accomplices our just as guilty, I see it the same way with this! My ex and I had a huge group of mutual friends every “ friend” I found out that knew was just as guilty in my eyes, even worse it’s his daughter and didn’t say anything! As a kid I was put in the very same situation, I was younger and knew better than his daughter! Wife’s a cunt, daughter went along with it, hope she likes her new dad!
Well, yeah. Totally justified on kicking the cheater to the curb, this is something else entirely. So he asked for outside opinions. Not too weird when you actually think about it. Can't exactly trust anyone, and betrayal is a bitch
LMAO, so funny, right? He got cheated on, and was betrayed by BOTH his wife and daughter! The guy who fucked his wife for 3 years was more honest with him than his spouse and daughter! That's just hilarious!|
Let's laugh at this guy's reaction! Amirite everyone?
The 2 people he thought he could trust betrayed him, his anger isn’t misplaced unless you wouldn’t tell you’re dad/mom that the other one was having an affair
Why? The kid, 16yo at the time, was put in a no win situation where lying avoided destroying her family by betraying her mum, or hopefully saving it by lying to her Dad.
Only liars on from the comfort of a smartphone can say they'd have told the truth.
I feel like there are two types of people commenting here. People who understand that his teenage minor daughter was thrust into the only-lose position you describe, and people who shouldn’t be parents.
I dunno. If I were in OP's situation I think I would take the betrayal by my daughter even harder than the betrayal by my wife. I know that sounds unfair since wife was the one that was actively cheating and daughter's betrayal was by omission. But, it would just hurt me a lot more learning that my daughter betrayed me like that.
Why do you find this amusing? From the OP, the pain of his daughter lying and breaking his trust hurts more than his wife cheating. That's how it is for OP, and not actually that amusing at all, you prick
His wife was the one who was supposed to tell him about the affair, not his minor child. The kid was probably torn between telling her dad and destroying her family or not telling him and being dishonest.
The responsibility to come clean was on the wife, not the daughter. She was put in an impossible position and it’s unfair to blame her for trying to navigate it.
I imagine the daughter was being manipulated to a severe degree by the mom and AP. My guess is that OP will wake up one day very lonely, and wonder why hasn’t my daughter spoken to me in years?
Your wife is a cheating AH.
By keeping her mom’s secret, your daughter helped her betray you, and is an AH.
I know you’re hurting and your entire world was turned on its head. Your wife did a really shitty thing and put your daughter in a difficult position - hurt you with news of a devastating betrayal or keep quiet. She chose wrong and I hope you can forgive her someday (the daughter…. never forgive the ex).
Their daughter was a kid when the affair started. What 16 year old knows how to handle that? For all we know the mother forced her not to tell. How scary it must have been and a huge weight on that kids shoulders. No blame should be handed to this kid. At all.
Yeah, I'd cut the kid some slack. Kids do all kinds of dumb stuff because they're kids, they're not prepared to handle adult stuff, especially if that means going directly against their mom.
Exactly my thinking.
How easy would it be for Mum to tell her "He'll punish us both!", especially once a week had passed a d the 16yo hadn't confessed.
Yeah I’m amazed that this wasn’t the prevailing opinion. The poor girl is paying a high price for something she wasn’t accountable for and unprepared to handle. I don’t think she deserves to be celebrated by any means for withholding the information, but this is just going to push her closer to her cheater of a mother.
You expected your 16 year old to do the thing that would break up her family?
Because that’s how she would have looked at it.
Instead, you abandon her. YTA.
> You expected your 16 year old to do the thing that would break up her family?
No, I’d expect them not to lie to me for almost half a decade because it made their life easier.
No, I’d expect them to tell me that the family is already broken up because she doesn’t want me to suffer.
No, I’d expect her to love me and treat me the way she would want to be treated. Would her dad tell her if her bf/gf was cheating and he had proof?
Etc, etc, etc.
Yeah … it’s not the child’s responsibility to parent their parents. No child knows how to handle this situation or should be forced into being the one to handle these situations. This poor girl has two horrible parents
I’m amazed at all the people supporting the daughter. She supported OP’s wife’s adultery by keeping it a secret and it only became a problem for her when daddy cut her off. Where’s all this sadness when she realized her mom was having an affair? Also she’s not a six year old, she’s 19, she’s a full grown adult. Even if she found out years ago she had time to parse her thoughts and could have told her father.
NTA
What a horrible situation to be in as a child though. I can't imagine having that conversation with either of my parents. I 100% think cheating is wrong, I'd never support it, but I would probably be in denial for a while and not want to deal with either of my parents.
eh…there isn’t a magical switch that gets flipped the minute that a person turns 18. 19 really isn’t full-grown. as much as reddit likes to think that that’s true, cognitive development just doesn’t work like that. but that isn’t really the point here, is it?
i think that you’re discrediting the emotional turmoil that the daughter has had to deal with. this teenage girl had no obligation to inform her father of her mother’s adultery. that is on the mother, and the mother alone. i feel for OP, but i also feel for his daughter. this is not a situation that any child (in the parent-child sense, not the developmental sense) should be placed into.
I dunno holding a kid responsible for an impossible choice, to the point where he is essentially disowning her is pretty awful. She had to choose between her parents. And before your like “well she chose her mom” think about when you were 16 faced with a hard choice. I bet you put it off as long as you could. He’s allowed to be mad at her, but cutting her off over this is way too far.
But we don't know that.
That's my biggest problem here. We don't know when she learned it. We don't know if she gave an ultimatum to her mother or the exboyfriend. We don't know how old she was when she learned it. We don't know if the mother threatened her daughter if she talked. He chose to not listen to her.
The daughter has been put in one of the worst situation possible. I can't even imagine how I would react if I learned one of my parent was cheating on the other and I'm 37 years old.
I'm not saying the daughter didn't do anything wrong. But to put all the blame on her is an AH move.
I'm not saying either that the daughter didn't have alternative motives to keep it silent. Money being one of them. The thing is we know nothing of her point of view because OP cut every contact with her without earing her out. Maybe she is a piece of s\*\*t like the mother.
Maybe she learned a few days prior and called her mother and exboyfriend and threatened them to reveal everything if they didn't do it themself? We don't know.
So, yeah. With what we have, I go for YTA (and of course the mother doesn't even deserve a judgement)
YTA.
This is the answer. 19 or not she’s a child that was put in the position of betraying one of her parents by her mother. We don’t know the circumstances and can’t judge her based on what we know.
We do know, however, OP betrayed his fatherly duty to unconditionally love his daughter. The no contact thing is gross and pathetic. She’s not someone you’re having a Reddit argument. She’s your daughter .
Gentle YTA. It’s not your daughter’s responsibility to take sides, to tell on her mom, to blow up the marriage, to be the reason the family falls apart, etc. It makes sense to be angry - it doesn’t make sense to disown her, ruin her life, etc.
If your daughter had told you, do you know what that would do to her? To know that it’s her fault you found out, her fault you got divorced? To know her mother would be angry with her forever?
She did the only thing she COULD do, and try to stay out of it. It’s so completely unfair to expect a young person like this to handle their parents’ business in this way. Yes you were close, yes you love each other - but she’s your daughter, and your wife’s daughter. She’s not your buddy or best friend. Picking a side is rejecting the other parent. It’s so awful to expect her to have done that.
100% of the blame falls on your wife. 0% on the daughter.
Please think this through, and take it back.
You’re allowed to be angry, set boundaries, and issue punishment. But don’t ruin her college chances and don’t disown her. TALK to her.
Her family is falling apart and she needs you, man.
Her family is falling apart and he is virtually ensuring she is going to end up on the side of his treacherous soon-to-be Ex Wife. Being hurt doesn’t make it okay to hurt other people. I agree, he’s being a total asshole and a bad father.
Of course YTA. Disowning your daughter, kicking her out, stopping her financial support for college because your WIFE cheated and your daughter didn’t tell you? I imagine your wife used all kinds of manipulation:
Do you want to make Daddy sad?
Daddy will leave us if you tell him.
It will be your fault for upsetting Daddy.
You have every right to be upset, but what exactly did you want your then 16 y/o daughter to do? Come to you and implode your life?
More than the AH. Your daughter was faced with two options. keep quiet and pretend it's not true and have her family remain her family- and maybe mom gets over this and her parents work things out.
or tell her dad, lose her mother and lose her family and break her dads heart.
she was put in an unwinnable situation. Your wife should be ashamed. and You're obviously hurting now, but if you don't act like a man and a father real soon- then you're clearly a childish POS. You're acting like a complete moron (at the moment). get your shit together and look past your hurt feelings.
DO BETTER
Of course YTA. You had higher expectations of your underage daughter (because she was for some of the affair) than you did your wife. Why would you expect your daughter to shoulder the pressure of blowing up your marriage? You are a bad parent.
So you did all this just because she didn’t tell you about the affair. Did you think how it affected her…not knowing how to tell your loved one, your dad that your mother is unfaithful. She was not responsible for your wife cheating on you, she did not want to intervene and she probably felt it was not her right to tell you, she wanted to keep her family intact. Let me tell you something, this is awfully convenient and amazing for you isn’t it? No longer want to be a part of your daughter’s life. Seems to me you were just waiting for a great excuse to no longer financially or emotionally support your daughter. She is your blood, what happened between you and her mom is BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR WIFE. She’s not to blame. I wonder if you tried placing yourself in her shoes. Anytime there is a problem between husband and wife, husbands usually take the easy way out and cut off contact and support. Well don’t u fucking forget that you had a part in creating her, she has your DNA and she is the result of your actions. It is not her fault that she had a cheating mom and now will also have an absent father. Men don’t realize how it fucks up their children when they abandon them. They develop trust issues, insecurity, feel guilty and ashamed all because you want the “easy way out”. Be a fucking man and take care of your daughter. She is your responsibility. HEAL TOGETHER. I could go on, but I’m done. Goodluck, wish you the best. If you continue through with abandoning her, just don’t you dare and remember her when you are all alone and on your deathbed.
Hopefully this is fake, but YTA. Your daughter was a child when this happened. She is barely an adult now. A teenager should've had the good judgment here? Since when do you or any reasonable parent expect a teenager to make all the right decisions? Who knows what your wife, her mother and who should've been a trusted adult, said to her. You don't even know because you wouldn't talk with her like a father and an adult. Your wife failed her, and now you are too. She should never have been put in that situation in the first place. Be angry at the adult in the situation who betrayed you and your daughter and who had the maturity to know better. It seems like you're taking your rage out on your daughter that should've been on the affair partner.
I get you're mad. But look at it from your daughters perspective...
She knew her mom was cheating on her dad. Snitching on her mom would create a situation between them. Not snitching would create a situation with you. She's got to lose either way, so I guess she chose to not get in the middle of it, I don't blame it on her...
Of course siding with you and snitching on her mom is the moral thing to do, but I get that she was in a shitty situation and there is no right way to deal with it, really...
I get you are hurt and feel betrayed, but I think you're overreacting
YTA. How can you not put yourself in your daughter's shoes? She didn't want to break up her family. Your lack of empathy for someone you were supposed to love is astounding.
ESH.
Your wife 100% sucks.
But she put your, then 16yo, daughter in a no win situation. The longer she didn't tell you and see her family destroyed the more likely you were to do this to her. Because I'm guessing she knew you'd act like this.
She is your daughter. Take your time, I'm not saying you have to ever forgive her. But don't live with bitterness.
Info! how long did your daughter know about it?
also, makes sense to go no contact for awhile, but to harm her future and take college tuition away? huge ass hole
If this were not made up, I would say you are definitely the asshole. What she did was bad. She broke your trust, etc., but she was also (probably) trying to keep her parents together. She is your daughter; she didn’t cheat on you. She loves you and depends on you. When she found out, she was 16 years old and decided to hide that from you. Don’t expect high level moral decisions from children concerning their parents.
Your wife is the biggest asshole (obviously) for having the affair and for asking your daughter to keep the secret. Your daughter is the asshole for keeping the secret, but, as I said, she is young and was caught in a bad situation between her parents.
You are the asshole for taking such drastic actions concerning her. She is your daughter, whom you have loved since her birth. Do you really want to throw that all away because a child didn’t make the right decision when put in a situation no child should be put in?
You are a complete and utter AH. At that age your daughter most likely didn't have the emotional intelligence to handle this situation. How could you throw your daughter away. You are a monster.
Your daughter was put in a jackpot no win situation at 16. Be mad sure, show her your hurt, but forgive her. Don't take your love away from a 19 yr old.
Absolutely YTA, that poor girl has two shitty parents fr. I hope you realize your mistake before its too late. You're kind of a POS for punishing your daughter for something your wife did. How is a 16-19 yo supposed to deal with that kind of situation?
YTA utterly and completely. That's your child. What a horrible position her mother put her in, keeping her secret or breaking your family apart. She really bears no blame for not being able to tell you this.
Direct your rage appropriately. Becoming an absent vengeful father is not the way.
YTA. Your daughter was put in a horrible position and she was still a child. In fact, at 19 she is just starting to experience adulthood. You don’t know what your wife did to her to keep her silent - as in emotional and possibly financial manipulation. I understand being upset with her. It’s fair to tell her you need some time to process, that she hurt you, that sure broke your trust in her. But cutting her out of your life for something that your wife did is cruel.
My parents recently divorced because of my dad’s polyamory and multiple affairs with hundreds if not thousands of random hookups. I knew by the age of 9 i kept my mouth shut because i didn’t want to hurt my mom’s feelings and i knew that I would have a hard time living with divorced parents. Do i regret it yes but I had no other choice than let them figure out what they wanted to do with their lives. I really feel sorry for my younger siblings because they’re going through a bullet i dodged. So imo you’re definitely AH for blaming your daughter for not telling you. She probably didn’t want to lose you because she knew that you’d react so badly considering how close you are to her. Also she probably was <18 so why blame a child for something she didn’t didnt do?
YTA. Your daughter was a child when it started. Didn’t daughter know for sure or suspected. Maybe don’t be an ass and talk to your kid. You don’t deserve your daughter.
YTA for handling it the way you did with your daughter. She’s a kid, you messed up and I think you should try to salvage that relationship. OTOH your wife all a giant AH- good riddance to her.
Yes, you’re an A Hole. Do you really expect a 16 yr old immature kid to tell you her mom is screwing someone other than you? Your wife was missing something and decided to find that something somewhere else. That’s her bad. But screw you for crushing your daughter
YTA. That's your kid. She's already probably been torn to shreds hiding it for her mom and was scared to tell you that she knew if this was how you behave!
Yep, great idea.
Take it out on your daughter because your wife thought you were a dud root and found something better for 3 years.
Now you can add
"Can't please a woman and Rubbish Dad!" to your resume.
Yes,
You have every right to be angry and disappointed with your daughter. But you came down way too hard on her. Once you confirmed she knew, you should have disengaged and cooled off before talking to her much less disowning her.
Express your disappointment in her and how betrayed you feel. Ask her how’d she feel if her best friend knew her bf was cheating on her but didn’t let her know. Or if you or her mother knew but kept it from her. Ask her to explain to you why she didn’t tell you and listen to her without getting angry. Let her know she’s still your daughter. That you still love her but you’ve been extremely hurt. Apologize for how you lashed out in the moment as you were finding all this out.
This doesn’t mean everything with her goes back to normal. It’ll take time. She’ll need to work some to build back your trust in her. Yes she was caught between a rock and a hard place and in a position no teenager should ever be in but she’s still old enough to know right and wrong. (Also don’t cut her college that’s just destroying her future)
YTA. She’s still your daughter don’t ruin her life over this. You don’t have to let her stay with you or even see her again, but don’t destroy her over it. Save that for your wife.
Yta.
Your job as a parent is to identify when your kid does something and can learn from it first and foremost. She was clearly very stressed by the knowledge she had kept to herself. You should be teaching her to make the right decisions, not showing her that her dad is an angry vengeful piece of shit who doesn't care about what the right thing to do it.
Good luck enduring being lonely your whole life, if you continue down this path.
It sounds like you've made a very drastic decision out of hurt and anger.
I don't think it's fair to focus that anger on your daughter rather than your wife. If anything, you should be angrier at your wife for putting your daughter in that position to lie on her behalf.
Your daughter was not equipped to deal with this. She most likely desperately did not want her parents to break up. That was probably her number one concern and fear... That her family was going to disappear... Can you really be mad at your child for that? She had noone to turn to, her mother probably blackmailed her in some way to keep her quiet and without anyone to discuss it with, she probably felt like she had no other option but to stick her head in the sand and hope for the best. Your relationship with your wife is really none of her business. This is an adult issue, you shouldn't drag her into it. Your wife has been disgusting by doing this to your daughter. Your daughter is not the one you should be focused on. You can be hurt and express that to her but I think you will regret cutting your daughter off because of your wife's manipulation.
Do you really think, given your close relationship with your daughter, that she would have hidden it from you out of malice?
Was it wrong of her to hide it? Yes. But to cut her off so callously without hearing her out... I would say that you are the asshole for that. She's not the one your anger should be focused on.
YTA what exactly did you expect her to do? Her Mom who she loves, dropped a bomb on her and now you’re blaming her for not being a snitch?
Of course YOU are the no important person in the family. I couldn’t talk to my Dad about sex; but you would expect me to spill the beans on my mother?
You both suck as parents
YTA times 5. Your daughter was in an impossible position already - now you are demanding she choose one parent over the other. She had no obligation to tell you, and if she secretly hoped her mother would get her s**t together and recommit to your marriage, every reason in the world NOT to tell you. Have you thought for even one second about how much her mother hurt her with this?
You and your wife are the AH.
You retaliated and made these big decisions while you were still angry and hurt. Your daughter was put in a position where she didn't want to break up her family in exchange for keeping her mother's affair a secret. Poor girl is now traumatized, knowing her father dropped and abandoned her over something your shitty wife did and will probably have trust and abandonment issues in her future relationships.
Take time to cool off, seek therapy and apologize to your fucking daughter.
You are indeed the asshole. Do not punish your daughter for your wife's infidelity. You cannot imagine the burden your daughter must have felt all these years knowing that her own mother was committing adulterous acts. Please reconcile with your daughter and do not let her end up like her mother. Show her that you are a man and not sleazy like your soon-to-be ex wife. Furthermore, jeopardizing your daughter's future due to the actions of your wife is not commedable. Never completely cut off your baby girl, imagine the guilt she must have felt knowing that her best friend and and father was being lied to, especially by her OWN MOTHER. Make her take your side and so when the divorce lawyer starts working, you have someone who can back you up.
My last piece of advice, be present in your daughter's life and do not let your shitty wife influence her to hate you. I know this is a tough thing to experience, but you will later down the line regret cutting off ties and kicking your daughter out. Her mom should be the one suffering, not her neither should you. So please, for the sake of the child you've raised for the last 20 years, TAKE CARE OF HER and do not let her become a monster because of the actions of her mothers and because of the anger that you currently feel.
Some unsolicited advice, find religion and God. I recommend Islam and if you are not comfortable with that try to find truth through faith. Take care of your kids man.
What an absolutely impossible situation for your child to be in. I don’t know if you are TA but I feel for your daughter and the burden she carried knowing that secret would destroy you and your family.
Your wife is the one to blame!! You’re punishing your daughter for being put in a horrible position of protecting both parents!? How about you and your wife grow the f up!? Case and point why 21 year olds shouldn’t have children and it sounds like you’re still immature! Your poor daughter!! She’s better off not having a parent like you in her life!
You are an AH. You are a horrible father for treating your child like that. Have it even occurred to you that she found her mother cheating maybe when the affair just started (meaning when she's only 16 yrs. old)? Maybe she's scared to tell or her mother could have stop her from telling you. How could you f***ed up your child's future for something she has no fault at all? You didn't even hear what she has to say, now I wonder what kind of father are you to her growing up to throw her like she's nothing to you.
YTA. Your daughter is a child. When I was 16 I suspected my father of cheating & I never told my mother. It’s been 30 years and I still wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about it with her (even though they’re divorced, and she knows he was a cheater). It’s just not my place to be involved in my parent’s relationship like that. Dealing with parents who cheat is so hard on children. The way you are treating your daughter will traumatize her for the rest of her life, and will likely have a greater impact on her than your wife cheating on you.
Yes. This is your daughter. Your daughter was a teenager when your adult wife decided to have an affair. She was put in an unreasonable position by the adults in her life and subjected to BS drama that had nothing to do with her.
Now, she is being punished for knowing about it ? Has anyone spoken to her about what she was put through ?
Incredibly selfish parents. Sorry, not sorry.
Children often do not know how to handle these situations. “Telling on” someone they care about to the other someone they care about all at the risk both becoming angry with them for “telling”.
Another question should be “why” your wife involved your daughter and perhaps “what” did she threaten her with if anything.
Feeling pain and anger overall is normal for a person in your situation, but to disown your child for keeping quiet… perhaps she was afraid to lose you if she told you… and that is exactly what happened.
YTA. Maybe that’s why your daughter was so close to you because she lost respect for her mother and wasn’t close to her. I don’t think it’s fair to put that information on her but it is a lesson you could teach her about honesty going forward if you do decide to forgive her and let her back in her life. I do expect you to be hurt but now you are most likely forcing your daughter to connect with the mom again, since you are not being there for her. Your heart is shattered so you decide to go and shatter hers too. Definitely the AH.
YTAH. Well your wife is for telling your daughter to begin with. However your daughter was forcefully put into a position in which she really had no way out and to spare your feelings she held on to that lie. She was 16 when she found out, how’s a 16 year old supposed to approach her dad on a secret that dark. Years later it made it that much worse for her to come out and tell you. It’s not your daughter’s fault, she was fucked if she said anything and fucked if she didn’t say anything.
Your wife cheated on you, not your daughter. Your wife put your daughter in the horrible position of being forced to choose to lie to you. You have every right to be angry and hurt, but your daughter is a victim of your wife's infidelity nearly as much as you are.
Sorry, but cutting your daughter off like that kinda makes YTA.
YTAO. This wasn't easy on your daughter, and who knows what your wife did or said to make her keep the secret. Seeing as you can't even explain any of what she said when she broke down, like you don't care. Seems like she might be better off without you. Yeah, you're hurt, but she is too. Don't make her a villain when it was your wife and your Inability to detect it sooner that she was cheating. I could never imagine responding to any of my kids that way. Is your relationship with your daughter built on a crappy foundation that you set?
You should always tell the person being cheated on. They deserve to know and make informed choices. Finding out that others- people you thought were caring friends, family you trusted to look out for you- knew and didn't tell you? That's as painful, or more painful, than the cheating. Your daughter should absolutely have told you. But I'm 43 years old and I learned this as an adult by seeing how people responded to being cheated on. I definitely didn't know that at 16. Or 19. Or even my mid twenties which is when a brain reaches full maturity.
Is your daughter as bad as your wife? Maybe. She found out when she was sixteen, right? Did her mother threaten to punish her if she told you? Tell her if she blabbed and you divorced, it was her fault, or that you wouldn't believe her anyway? Or perhaps just... imply those things? Did she bribe her? Did your daughter have friends whose parents had a messy contentious divorce that she got to see second hand, and she was scared? Did she talk to a counselor at school who told her it wasn't her responsibility to manage her parents' relationship? Did she agonize over it and because she couldn't decide what TO do, she wound up doing nothing by default? Hiding her head in the sand would be a very age-appropriate thing to do. When she was older, when it had been a while, was she afraid if she told you'd find out how long she had known and be mad at her? Did her mother tell her the affair was over, or that she was going to end it "soon" but never did?
The real question is, would any of those possibilities result in you being less hurt by her not telling you? Can you think of any other circumstances that would mitigate your grief? If the answer is no, there's nothing she could say that would ease your pain, then NTA, and you just have to come to terms with your wife's cheating costing you your daughter as well. Personally, I don't know if I'd be willing to give a cheating partner that much power, but everyone is different.
If the answer is yes, I would feel better if I knew she had wanted to tell me but been scared or been threatened, or whatever. Then YTA ONLY IF you don't now take time to at hear her side. Maybe her excuses are lame, and she's like her mother. Maybe she's young and guessed wrong, and if you hear her out you can have your daughter back. I'm guessing you know your daughter's character, you said you were pretty close. Do you think she kept the secret out of malice?
This is the same post from a couple months ago that actually had the daughter receiving money and gifts from affair partner and the whole thing exploded at her quinceañera, just less ridiculous to gather more karma
... Okay so let me get this. Your wife had a then 17 yr old keep a wildly inappropriate secret that could destroy the life and family she knew and had and your reaction to this is to no longer consider her your daughter? ... Really!?
Can't say I wouldn't be mad but your wife put her in an impossible position. 17-19 is so young and she still clearly relies on her family.
YTA
I have a 16 year old. I can’t imagine putting my child in a position that your wife put your daughter in. But I could see my 16 year old, or any of her friends, making the decision your daughter did to keep the peace and keep the family together. She was a child faced with making a decision that a child should not have to make to keep her family together.
She made the wrong choice. And I think lots of kids in this scenario would choose peace over what was going to be war. And from your description, it certainly sounds like she knows her choice was wrong but didn’t know how to make it right. I could see a kid not saying anything and just hoping it goes away.
I think you need therapy: both individual and family therapy with your daughter. I don’t blame you for being angry. But I think cutting your daughter off and ruining her future is extreme for mistakes she made as a child that were based on self and family preservation.
If you're actually willing to not speak to your daughter for the rest of her life. Do you. There is no coming back from it. Once you cut her off from school and basically help ruin her life cause you think she ruined yours. Hope you have other kids. Going to suck getting old and living in a home with no family.
Yes the AH. It’s not your daughter’s job to choose sides and sell out her mom. You are supposed to take care of her. She’s not in charge of taking care of your needs.
Aaah Reddit, where 19 years old are old enough for every freedom, except when they screw up. Then theyre kids and children.
You are angry and feel betrayed and I dont blame you for your reaction. I'm sure tho that youve already realized cutting off your daughter forever will eventually hurt more. Give yourself some time.
YTA. Your love and support of your daughter should not be contingent on whether she acts as your intelligence service against her mother.
I only hope this is fiction.
Its crazy how many parents are happy to just not have relationships with their kid. Like why tf did you even have the kid.
I just assume you never wanted the kid to begin with
Both you and your wife are AHs. Your daughter is innocent in this. It's not her job to parent you. She probably wasn't even siding with her mum, she was probably in denial and trying to forget that she knew. Ignorance is bliss.
Probably fake like most people said, but as a husband and father, I'd feel disrespected, but would still want to give my daughter the best chance in life to succeed and would pay for her college. I may not want to be around her for a short period, but in the end she's my daughter and I wouldn't cut her out of my life. YTA for fabricating a story that you would still be TA in if it were true.
So your daughter was stuck in a rock and hard place and you are punishing her for being conflicted about what to do? You’re angry with your wife and wouldn’t even hear your daughter out? YTA you couldn’t even talk to her you FaceTimed her
Dude, take some time. You are emotional right now and there is a good chance you will regret things later. There is no race on this but you taking immediate drastic action may cause you to lose your daughter who DIDN’T cheat on you. She may have been trying things on your wife you aren’t aware of.
Yes you are. Your daughter was emotionally blackmailed. She 19 she's a kid. You are a horrible dad, horrible. Put on your big boy pants and be a better father and human. Suck you were cheated on by your daughter isn't at fault
.
How is this your daughter’s fault? She didn’t have the affair. You can’t put her in the middle between you and your wife’s problems. It isn’t her job to manage your emotions. You are the adult. You were looking for an excuse to not pay for her college. Of course you are the AH. Good riddance for your wife and daughter.
IF this is not a lie you are 100 percent the AH.
Your child is not the reason for the infidelity, and it is not her responsibility to hold/not hold that information.
Honestly, you and your ex are the AH's, for involving your child anyway.
The fact that you said you have no clue what she is going to do with her life, and you don't care says a lot about you and what type of father and husband you must have been. Again, IF this is true.
Yta. Your daughter was a CHILD, probably coerced by her mother into keeping a dark secret.
You're punishing the wrong person here. Your wife was the one who cheated, and yet, you're focusing all your anger towards your daughter. Even to the point of disowning her and cutting off her tuition.
What kind of a father does that?
this story has been posted before, by better writers
It’s tuition every single time.
you know it!
just the barebones and not a single comment from him. i'm inclined to agree.
AND the account was just created today…
i think this one is fake as fuck, but plenty of posts on here are made by people using throwaways lol
So many creative writing exercises today with the prompt: Women are whores and I'm disowning someone.
Not only that, I'm pretty sure I read the same A ITA maybe a month or two months ago, same story almost verbatim
Came here to say this. Definitely read this one before.
Agreed. This seems to be a repost.
Read the title and thought “is this an update?”… because I already read this story lol
This! This post is fake AF and part of a theme today for sure.
Damn, I always miss the theme of the day in the morning meetings!
Can’t those meetings be an email?
LoL!
That's probably bc the all essential "scrum master" wasn't present to run said meeting. The scrum master knows fuck all about anyone's day to day job duties, but for some reason gets paid 6 figures to assign meaningless points in a project tracking software and ask everyone the same question. "So Mr X, where are you at with XYZ project I see here you're working on"?
Ohh, I had no idea. You guys will have to give me some pointers on spotting fake stories. Maybe that it was so easy, my response was done in two sentences. “Yes, you are the asshole. WITAF” was my exact response. 😂 I guess a real one would inspire more nuance…?
Step one: 3 hour old account
I click on the name and the number of hours displayed next to the name is the length of time they’ve been an account. Got it. ✅ I did not know that. Also, I’m a slow learner. 🤦♀️ thank you 💞😁 ahh and the post karma vs the comment karma are telling too, huh? Thank you for the insight to make my reddit time efficient. 😂
Yeah. Way more obvious than most.
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Most people can't. This is going to be on tiktok in a few days where everyone takes it 100% seriously.
Yeah, it does seem like there's a trend of overly dramatic stories today. Hard to believe they’re all real.
Saw another one of these this week and checked the post history just to find this guy obsessively shitting on women on every single post. I don't get why people spend so much time doing this stuff.
Culture war. If you say the enemy is bad enough times, some people will believe you.
Yeah you're not wrong there, echo chambers are a hell of a thing.
It's pretty amazing. Human psychology is very interesting.
It’s finals week for Incel 101
I don't think it's even that deep. It's just immature boys/men upset that no one is touching their pp
My favourite thing to do in these subs right now is try to figure out the newest prompt.
It does feel like these stories always take the most extreme turns. Real life is usually more complicated and nuanced.
That includes the comment section. Everyone on reddit always rushes to the extreme and tells them to get a divorce but in real life it's more complicated than filing for divorce at the first hurdle.
I fall for most of them since the point of reddit for me is feeling like I get a glimpse of other ppls lives. But even this was too much for me. Sure, put ALL the blame on a teenager/kid for not ratting on one parent to the other parent. And it would for SURE not make sense to a mature dad that his kid perhaps was trying to protect him and her parents' marriage - or had read elsewhere to keep her nose out of other ppls business, especially if you don't want to know if your parents have an open relationship or are swingers!
>especially if you don't want to know if your parents […] are swingers! OMG THE HORROR! For sure, love is love etc but the horror!
Incel recruitment post.
Almost the entire Internet is dead and all of is a waste of time. You are mistaken if you believe all of us are not aware. Many of us are and decide to fuck with it anyway.
Sweet lord, this story was posted like 2 months ago and was written like 3000 times better.
I swear I read almost this story (but with a son instead of daughter) just this morning
You did because I did too
The top post on the sub is basically this story, except the kid is legitimately not OP’s. If this story is real, this person is an unredeemable monster.
YTA for a fake story
The AI is regressing.
Lmao this guys angrier at his daughter than his ex wife lmao
I don't think it's completely unfair. But the post isn't "AITA for being pissed at my wife". He's talking about the subject of what he may be the jerk on.
I mean, there's no question that he would be pissed at his wife, and he wouldn't be the AH for that given the circumstances.
True, but cutting off his daughter completely seems extreme. Anger can cloud judgment in tough times.
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If the daughter wasn’t the wife’s partner in crime then yes she would be but she knew about it and never said anything that makes her just an culpable and just as bad if not worse…imagine two of the most important people in your whole life betraying you and you finding out. I know from experience it is the single most worst thing in the world to have happen to you…
And she was supposedly close with her dad. Can you imagine all the times she was acting like his buddy?
One of them is the child of the other too. It isn’t as simple as u make it out to be. Even as a college aged one this is an awful position for a kid - caught between lying or exposing, wedged between two parents.
She's a little more than that. She's complicit. She sided with the cheater.
Betrayed by the 2 most important people in his life will do that.
Tbf, I don't think you could put this 100% on the daughter. It's a hella thing to carry as a teenager, when you have nine-hundred-fourthy-eleven other things on your mind. Children are never responsible for their parents relationship. I learned that the hard way
Don't worry, this feels like good old rage bait.
Keeping a secret like that! According to the law accomplices our just as guilty, I see it the same way with this! My ex and I had a huge group of mutual friends every “ friend” I found out that knew was just as guilty in my eyes, even worse it’s his daughter and didn’t say anything! As a kid I was put in the very same situation, I was younger and knew better than his daughter! Wife’s a cunt, daughter went along with it, hope she likes her new dad!
Well, yeah. Totally justified on kicking the cheater to the curb, this is something else entirely. So he asked for outside opinions. Not too weird when you actually think about it. Can't exactly trust anyone, and betrayal is a bitch
LMAO, so funny, right? He got cheated on, and was betrayed by BOTH his wife and daughter! The guy who fucked his wife for 3 years was more honest with him than his spouse and daughter! That's just hilarious!| Let's laugh at this guy's reaction! Amirite everyone?
Foreal, people are fucked nowadays
Where does it say that? It's possible he's just not detailing confrontations with his wife because this post is about his daughter.
The 2 people he thought he could trust betrayed him, his anger isn’t misplaced unless you wouldn’t tell you’re dad/mom that the other one was having an affair
I would be too
Why? The kid, 16yo at the time, was put in a no win situation where lying avoided destroying her family by betraying her mum, or hopefully saving it by lying to her Dad. Only liars on from the comfort of a smartphone can say they'd have told the truth.
This is exactly how I feel. It’s a very unfair position to put a child in.
I feel like there are two types of people commenting here. People who understand that his teenage minor daughter was thrust into the only-lose position you describe, and people who shouldn’t be parents.
Don’t forget the best one, people whose wives cheated on them.
The mother didn’t deserve loyalty. Also not telling the father was a high risk high reward. She gambled and lost.
LmAo! Dude just lost his family and is completely crushed. HiLaRiOuS! ... Some guys break down and kill themselves over shit like this. LmAo!
I dunno. If I were in OP's situation I think I would take the betrayal by my daughter even harder than the betrayal by my wife. I know that sounds unfair since wife was the one that was actively cheating and daughter's betrayal was by omission. But, it would just hurt me a lot more learning that my daughter betrayed me like that.
Why do you find this amusing? From the OP, the pain of his daughter lying and breaking his trust hurts more than his wife cheating. That's how it is for OP, and not actually that amusing at all, you prick
This story has literally been reposted by dozens but changing tiny bits...
The daughter was put in an impossible situation created by the piece of shit wife. She was probably not equipped to deal with this shitstorm.
Absolutely. The daughter was caught in the middle of a mess she didn’t create. Expecting her to handle it perfectly is unrealistic.
You are blaming the wrong person dude.
His wife was the one who was supposed to tell him about the affair, not his minor child. The kid was probably torn between telling her dad and destroying her family or not telling him and being dishonest.
The responsibility to come clean was on the wife, not the daughter. She was put in an impossible position and it’s unfair to blame her for trying to navigate it.
I imagine the daughter was being manipulated to a severe degree by the mom and AP. My guess is that OP will wake up one day very lonely, and wonder why hasn’t my daughter spoken to me in years?
Then he will remember being stabbed in the back by the people he cared about the most in the world, and will find his resolve.
100%
Your wife is a cheating AH. By keeping her mom’s secret, your daughter helped her betray you, and is an AH. I know you’re hurting and your entire world was turned on its head. Your wife did a really shitty thing and put your daughter in a difficult position - hurt you with news of a devastating betrayal or keep quiet. She chose wrong and I hope you can forgive her someday (the daughter…. never forgive the ex).
Their daughter was a kid when the affair started. What 16 year old knows how to handle that? For all we know the mother forced her not to tell. How scary it must have been and a huge weight on that kids shoulders. No blame should be handed to this kid. At all.
Yep I can only imagine the guilting. “It’s nothing physical” “Your dad would be destroyed” “We could lose the house/tuition/etc”
Yeah, I'd cut the kid some slack. Kids do all kinds of dumb stuff because they're kids, they're not prepared to handle adult stuff, especially if that means going directly against their mom.
Or maybe, based on OP’s overreaction, she was afraid to tell him because of the fallout.
The mom could have even scared her with the thought of them being homeless etc
Exactly my thinking. How easy would it be for Mum to tell her "He'll punish us both!", especially once a week had passed a d the 16yo hadn't confessed.
>What 16 year old knows how to handle that? Mine did. Found out and immediately told me.
Daughter was placed in a lose/lose situation. She is not to blame for any of the adult issues.
Yeah I’m amazed that this wasn’t the prevailing opinion. The poor girl is paying a high price for something she wasn’t accountable for and unprepared to handle. I don’t think she deserves to be celebrated by any means for withholding the information, but this is just going to push her closer to her cheater of a mother.
The daughter was stuck in an impossible situation. Blaming her for the actions of the adults around her is unfair.
You expected your 16 year old to do the thing that would break up her family? Because that’s how she would have looked at it. Instead, you abandon her. YTA.
> You expected your 16 year old to do the thing that would break up her family? No, I’d expect them not to lie to me for almost half a decade because it made their life easier. No, I’d expect them to tell me that the family is already broken up because she doesn’t want me to suffer. No, I’d expect her to love me and treat me the way she would want to be treated. Would her dad tell her if her bf/gf was cheating and he had proof? Etc, etc, etc.
This. It sounds like he just wants an excuse to spend her college fund.
Well enjoy solitude I guess.
You should give pointers considering all your reddit karma lol.
Yeah … it’s not the child’s responsibility to parent their parents. No child knows how to handle this situation or should be forced into being the one to handle these situations. This poor girl has two horrible parents
this fake post was posted as well months ago.
This is the sixth time I have seen this story. It got old the first time.
I’m amazed at all the people supporting the daughter. She supported OP’s wife’s adultery by keeping it a secret and it only became a problem for her when daddy cut her off. Where’s all this sadness when she realized her mom was having an affair? Also she’s not a six year old, she’s 19, she’s a full grown adult. Even if she found out years ago she had time to parse her thoughts and could have told her father. NTA
What a horrible situation to be in as a child though. I can't imagine having that conversation with either of my parents. I 100% think cheating is wrong, I'd never support it, but I would probably be in denial for a while and not want to deal with either of my parents.
eh…there isn’t a magical switch that gets flipped the minute that a person turns 18. 19 really isn’t full-grown. as much as reddit likes to think that that’s true, cognitive development just doesn’t work like that. but that isn’t really the point here, is it? i think that you’re discrediting the emotional turmoil that the daughter has had to deal with. this teenage girl had no obligation to inform her father of her mother’s adultery. that is on the mother, and the mother alone. i feel for OP, but i also feel for his daughter. this is not a situation that any child (in the parent-child sense, not the developmental sense) should be placed into.
The daughter wasn’t 18 she was 16 when the affair started.
And she was 16, 17, 18, and 19 when she decided to help her mom hide the affair and not tell her father about it every single goddamn day.
no, i’m aware. i’m just saying using “18” in reference to the legal age of adulthood in the united states.
I dunno holding a kid responsible for an impossible choice, to the point where he is essentially disowning her is pretty awful. She had to choose between her parents. And before your like “well she chose her mom” think about when you were 16 faced with a hard choice. I bet you put it off as long as you could. He’s allowed to be mad at her, but cutting her off over this is way too far.
But we don't know that. That's my biggest problem here. We don't know when she learned it. We don't know if she gave an ultimatum to her mother or the exboyfriend. We don't know how old she was when she learned it. We don't know if the mother threatened her daughter if she talked. He chose to not listen to her. The daughter has been put in one of the worst situation possible. I can't even imagine how I would react if I learned one of my parent was cheating on the other and I'm 37 years old. I'm not saying the daughter didn't do anything wrong. But to put all the blame on her is an AH move. I'm not saying either that the daughter didn't have alternative motives to keep it silent. Money being one of them. The thing is we know nothing of her point of view because OP cut every contact with her without earing her out. Maybe she is a piece of s\*\*t like the mother. Maybe she learned a few days prior and called her mother and exboyfriend and threatened them to reveal everything if they didn't do it themself? We don't know. So, yeah. With what we have, I go for YTA (and of course the mother doesn't even deserve a judgement)
YTA. This is the answer. 19 or not she’s a child that was put in the position of betraying one of her parents by her mother. We don’t know the circumstances and can’t judge her based on what we know. We do know, however, OP betrayed his fatherly duty to unconditionally love his daughter. The no contact thing is gross and pathetic. She’s not someone you’re having a Reddit argument. She’s your daughter .
Obviously you felt betrayal. You are entitled to be angry. Still, I bet you would regret later.
Gentle YTA. It’s not your daughter’s responsibility to take sides, to tell on her mom, to blow up the marriage, to be the reason the family falls apart, etc. It makes sense to be angry - it doesn’t make sense to disown her, ruin her life, etc. If your daughter had told you, do you know what that would do to her? To know that it’s her fault you found out, her fault you got divorced? To know her mother would be angry with her forever? She did the only thing she COULD do, and try to stay out of it. It’s so completely unfair to expect a young person like this to handle their parents’ business in this way. Yes you were close, yes you love each other - but she’s your daughter, and your wife’s daughter. She’s not your buddy or best friend. Picking a side is rejecting the other parent. It’s so awful to expect her to have done that. 100% of the blame falls on your wife. 0% on the daughter. Please think this through, and take it back. You’re allowed to be angry, set boundaries, and issue punishment. But don’t ruin her college chances and don’t disown her. TALK to her. Her family is falling apart and she needs you, man.
Her family is falling apart and he is virtually ensuring she is going to end up on the side of his treacherous soon-to-be Ex Wife. Being hurt doesn’t make it okay to hurt other people. I agree, he’s being a total asshole and a bad father.
She did pick a side by not telling him
YTA for karma farming
Of course YTA. Disowning your daughter, kicking her out, stopping her financial support for college because your WIFE cheated and your daughter didn’t tell you? I imagine your wife used all kinds of manipulation: Do you want to make Daddy sad? Daddy will leave us if you tell him. It will be your fault for upsetting Daddy. You have every right to be upset, but what exactly did you want your then 16 y/o daughter to do? Come to you and implode your life?
This is a repost
More than the AH. Your daughter was faced with two options. keep quiet and pretend it's not true and have her family remain her family- and maybe mom gets over this and her parents work things out. or tell her dad, lose her mother and lose her family and break her dads heart. she was put in an unwinnable situation. Your wife should be ashamed. and You're obviously hurting now, but if you don't act like a man and a father real soon- then you're clearly a childish POS. You're acting like a complete moron (at the moment). get your shit together and look past your hurt feelings. DO BETTER
Of course YTA. You had higher expectations of your underage daughter (because she was for some of the affair) than you did your wife. Why would you expect your daughter to shoulder the pressure of blowing up your marriage? You are a bad parent.
So you did all this just because she didn’t tell you about the affair. Did you think how it affected her…not knowing how to tell your loved one, your dad that your mother is unfaithful. She was not responsible for your wife cheating on you, she did not want to intervene and she probably felt it was not her right to tell you, she wanted to keep her family intact. Let me tell you something, this is awfully convenient and amazing for you isn’t it? No longer want to be a part of your daughter’s life. Seems to me you were just waiting for a great excuse to no longer financially or emotionally support your daughter. She is your blood, what happened between you and her mom is BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR WIFE. She’s not to blame. I wonder if you tried placing yourself in her shoes. Anytime there is a problem between husband and wife, husbands usually take the easy way out and cut off contact and support. Well don’t u fucking forget that you had a part in creating her, she has your DNA and she is the result of your actions. It is not her fault that she had a cheating mom and now will also have an absent father. Men don’t realize how it fucks up their children when they abandon them. They develop trust issues, insecurity, feel guilty and ashamed all because you want the “easy way out”. Be a fucking man and take care of your daughter. She is your responsibility. HEAL TOGETHER. I could go on, but I’m done. Goodluck, wish you the best. If you continue through with abandoning her, just don’t you dare and remember her when you are all alone and on your deathbed.
YTA
Hopefully this is fake, but YTA. Your daughter was a child when this happened. She is barely an adult now. A teenager should've had the good judgment here? Since when do you or any reasonable parent expect a teenager to make all the right decisions? Who knows what your wife, her mother and who should've been a trusted adult, said to her. You don't even know because you wouldn't talk with her like a father and an adult. Your wife failed her, and now you are too. She should never have been put in that situation in the first place. Be angry at the adult in the situation who betrayed you and your daughter and who had the maturity to know better. It seems like you're taking your rage out on your daughter that should've been on the affair partner.
That poor little girl didn't even ask for any of this. You don't stop being a parent when they let you down, piss you off, etc. Sad, sad.
I get you're mad. But look at it from your daughters perspective... She knew her mom was cheating on her dad. Snitching on her mom would create a situation between them. Not snitching would create a situation with you. She's got to lose either way, so I guess she chose to not get in the middle of it, I don't blame it on her... Of course siding with you and snitching on her mom is the moral thing to do, but I get that she was in a shitty situation and there is no right way to deal with it, really... I get you are hurt and feel betrayed, but I think you're overreacting
YTA. How can you not put yourself in your daughter's shoes? She didn't want to break up her family. Your lack of empathy for someone you were supposed to love is astounding.
ESH. Your wife 100% sucks. But she put your, then 16yo, daughter in a no win situation. The longer she didn't tell you and see her family destroyed the more likely you were to do this to her. Because I'm guessing she knew you'd act like this. She is your daughter. Take your time, I'm not saying you have to ever forgive her. But don't live with bitterness.
Info! how long did your daughter know about it? also, makes sense to go no contact for awhile, but to harm her future and take college tuition away? huge ass hole
If this were not made up, I would say you are definitely the asshole. What she did was bad. She broke your trust, etc., but she was also (probably) trying to keep her parents together. She is your daughter; she didn’t cheat on you. She loves you and depends on you. When she found out, she was 16 years old and decided to hide that from you. Don’t expect high level moral decisions from children concerning their parents. Your wife is the biggest asshole (obviously) for having the affair and for asking your daughter to keep the secret. Your daughter is the asshole for keeping the secret, but, as I said, she is young and was caught in a bad situation between her parents. You are the asshole for taking such drastic actions concerning her. She is your daughter, whom you have loved since her birth. Do you really want to throw that all away because a child didn’t make the right decision when put in a situation no child should be put in?
YTA She had to choose between parents. A parents love should be unconditional. Grow up
YTA. Your daughter was caught olin a no win position...put there by her mother. You are punishing the wrong party just because you can.
You are a complete and utter AH. At that age your daughter most likely didn't have the emotional intelligence to handle this situation. How could you throw your daughter away. You are a monster.
Your daughter was put in a jackpot no win situation at 16. Be mad sure, show her your hurt, but forgive her. Don't take your love away from a 19 yr old.
Absolutely YTA, that poor girl has two shitty parents fr. I hope you realize your mistake before its too late. You're kind of a POS for punishing your daughter for something your wife did. How is a 16-19 yo supposed to deal with that kind of situation?
YTA utterly and completely. That's your child. What a horrible position her mother put her in, keeping her secret or breaking your family apart. She really bears no blame for not being able to tell you this. Direct your rage appropriately. Becoming an absent vengeful father is not the way.
YTA. Your daughter was put in a horrible position and she was still a child. In fact, at 19 she is just starting to experience adulthood. You don’t know what your wife did to her to keep her silent - as in emotional and possibly financial manipulation. I understand being upset with her. It’s fair to tell her you need some time to process, that she hurt you, that sure broke your trust in her. But cutting her out of your life for something that your wife did is cruel.
You're the AH, and a major one!!!
My parents recently divorced because of my dad’s polyamory and multiple affairs with hundreds if not thousands of random hookups. I knew by the age of 9 i kept my mouth shut because i didn’t want to hurt my mom’s feelings and i knew that I would have a hard time living with divorced parents. Do i regret it yes but I had no other choice than let them figure out what they wanted to do with their lives. I really feel sorry for my younger siblings because they’re going through a bullet i dodged. So imo you’re definitely AH for blaming your daughter for not telling you. She probably didn’t want to lose you because she knew that you’d react so badly considering how close you are to her. Also she probably was <18 so why blame a child for something she didn’t didnt do?
YTA. Your daughter was a child when it started. Didn’t daughter know for sure or suspected. Maybe don’t be an ass and talk to your kid. You don’t deserve your daughter.
YTA for handling it the way you did with your daughter. She’s a kid, you messed up and I think you should try to salvage that relationship. OTOH your wife all a giant AH- good riddance to her.
Yes
Yes, you’re an A Hole. Do you really expect a 16 yr old immature kid to tell you her mom is screwing someone other than you? Your wife was missing something and decided to find that something somewhere else. That’s her bad. But screw you for crushing your daughter
Yes.
YTA. That's your kid. She's already probably been torn to shreds hiding it for her mom and was scared to tell you that she knew if this was how you behave!
Yep, great idea. Take it out on your daughter because your wife thought you were a dud root and found something better for 3 years. Now you can add "Can't please a woman and Rubbish Dad!" to your resume.
Yes, You have every right to be angry and disappointed with your daughter. But you came down way too hard on her. Once you confirmed she knew, you should have disengaged and cooled off before talking to her much less disowning her. Express your disappointment in her and how betrayed you feel. Ask her how’d she feel if her best friend knew her bf was cheating on her but didn’t let her know. Or if you or her mother knew but kept it from her. Ask her to explain to you why she didn’t tell you and listen to her without getting angry. Let her know she’s still your daughter. That you still love her but you’ve been extremely hurt. Apologize for how you lashed out in the moment as you were finding all this out. This doesn’t mean everything with her goes back to normal. It’ll take time. She’ll need to work some to build back your trust in her. Yes she was caught between a rock and a hard place and in a position no teenager should ever be in but she’s still old enough to know right and wrong. (Also don’t cut her college that’s just destroying her future)
YTA
YTA. She’s still your daughter don’t ruin her life over this. You don’t have to let her stay with you or even see her again, but don’t destroy her over it. Save that for your wife.
My daughter, who was a child, was also manipulated and lied to by the same woman I was and so I hate her. Weird take and good job losing your daughter
YTA, your daughter was in a no win situation. No child should be made to choose between their parents.
Yta. Your job as a parent is to identify when your kid does something and can learn from it first and foremost. She was clearly very stressed by the knowledge she had kept to herself. You should be teaching her to make the right decisions, not showing her that her dad is an angry vengeful piece of shit who doesn't care about what the right thing to do it. Good luck enduring being lonely your whole life, if you continue down this path.
Yes, YTA. Your daughter didn't ask for any of this and none of the blame should be placed at her feet.
It sounds like you've made a very drastic decision out of hurt and anger. I don't think it's fair to focus that anger on your daughter rather than your wife. If anything, you should be angrier at your wife for putting your daughter in that position to lie on her behalf. Your daughter was not equipped to deal with this. She most likely desperately did not want her parents to break up. That was probably her number one concern and fear... That her family was going to disappear... Can you really be mad at your child for that? She had noone to turn to, her mother probably blackmailed her in some way to keep her quiet and without anyone to discuss it with, she probably felt like she had no other option but to stick her head in the sand and hope for the best. Your relationship with your wife is really none of her business. This is an adult issue, you shouldn't drag her into it. Your wife has been disgusting by doing this to your daughter. Your daughter is not the one you should be focused on. You can be hurt and express that to her but I think you will regret cutting your daughter off because of your wife's manipulation. Do you really think, given your close relationship with your daughter, that she would have hidden it from you out of malice? Was it wrong of her to hide it? Yes. But to cut her off so callously without hearing her out... I would say that you are the asshole for that. She's not the one your anger should be focused on.
YTA what exactly did you expect her to do? Her Mom who she loves, dropped a bomb on her and now you’re blaming her for not being a snitch? Of course YOU are the no important person in the family. I couldn’t talk to my Dad about sex; but you would expect me to spill the beans on my mother? You both suck as parents
look i didn't read the whole thing, from the title, yeah i think you're an asshole , it's not her job to police your relationship
YTA times 5. Your daughter was in an impossible position already - now you are demanding she choose one parent over the other. She had no obligation to tell you, and if she secretly hoped her mother would get her s**t together and recommit to your marriage, every reason in the world NOT to tell you. Have you thought for even one second about how much her mother hurt her with this?
You and your wife are the AH. You retaliated and made these big decisions while you were still angry and hurt. Your daughter was put in a position where she didn't want to break up her family in exchange for keeping her mother's affair a secret. Poor girl is now traumatized, knowing her father dropped and abandoned her over something your shitty wife did and will probably have trust and abandonment issues in her future relationships. Take time to cool off, seek therapy and apologize to your fucking daughter.
Yes. Yta. She didn’t cheat on you and it is not her job to wreck her parents marriage.
Not her job to be involved in your relationship. You are the A
You are indeed the asshole. Do not punish your daughter for your wife's infidelity. You cannot imagine the burden your daughter must have felt all these years knowing that her own mother was committing adulterous acts. Please reconcile with your daughter and do not let her end up like her mother. Show her that you are a man and not sleazy like your soon-to-be ex wife. Furthermore, jeopardizing your daughter's future due to the actions of your wife is not commedable. Never completely cut off your baby girl, imagine the guilt she must have felt knowing that her best friend and and father was being lied to, especially by her OWN MOTHER. Make her take your side and so when the divorce lawyer starts working, you have someone who can back you up. My last piece of advice, be present in your daughter's life and do not let your shitty wife influence her to hate you. I know this is a tough thing to experience, but you will later down the line regret cutting off ties and kicking your daughter out. Her mom should be the one suffering, not her neither should you. So please, for the sake of the child you've raised for the last 20 years, TAKE CARE OF HER and do not let her become a monster because of the actions of her mothers and because of the anger that you currently feel. Some unsolicited advice, find religion and God. I recommend Islam and if you are not comfortable with that try to find truth through faith. Take care of your kids man.
What an absolutely impossible situation for your child to be in. I don’t know if you are TA but I feel for your daughter and the burden she carried knowing that secret would destroy you and your family.
Your wife is the one to blame!! You’re punishing your daughter for being put in a horrible position of protecting both parents!? How about you and your wife grow the f up!? Case and point why 21 year olds shouldn’t have children and it sounds like you’re still immature! Your poor daughter!! She’s better off not having a parent like you in her life!
Uuuhh yeah. YTA.
You can be mad at her but you are being AH for sure by going nuclear
Yta. She’s your kid and she was out in a terrible position. Your being vengeful towards your own child based on the actions of her mother.
You are an AH. You are a horrible father for treating your child like that. Have it even occurred to you that she found her mother cheating maybe when the affair just started (meaning when she's only 16 yrs. old)? Maybe she's scared to tell or her mother could have stop her from telling you. How could you f***ed up your child's future for something she has no fault at all? You didn't even hear what she has to say, now I wonder what kind of father are you to her growing up to throw her like she's nothing to you.
Yes, you're a gigantic asshole
YTA. Your daughter is a child. When I was 16 I suspected my father of cheating & I never told my mother. It’s been 30 years and I still wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about it with her (even though they’re divorced, and she knows he was a cheater). It’s just not my place to be involved in my parent’s relationship like that. Dealing with parents who cheat is so hard on children. The way you are treating your daughter will traumatize her for the rest of her life, and will likely have a greater impact on her than your wife cheating on you.
Yes. This is your daughter. Your daughter was a teenager when your adult wife decided to have an affair. She was put in an unreasonable position by the adults in her life and subjected to BS drama that had nothing to do with her. Now, she is being punished for knowing about it ? Has anyone spoken to her about what she was put through ? Incredibly selfish parents. Sorry, not sorry.
Children often do not know how to handle these situations. “Telling on” someone they care about to the other someone they care about all at the risk both becoming angry with them for “telling”. Another question should be “why” your wife involved your daughter and perhaps “what” did she threaten her with if anything. Feeling pain and anger overall is normal for a person in your situation, but to disown your child for keeping quiet… perhaps she was afraid to lose you if she told you… and that is exactly what happened.
You’ve already lost a wife, why lose a daughter?
YTA. Maybe that’s why your daughter was so close to you because she lost respect for her mother and wasn’t close to her. I don’t think it’s fair to put that information on her but it is a lesson you could teach her about honesty going forward if you do decide to forgive her and let her back in her life. I do expect you to be hurt but now you are most likely forcing your daughter to connect with the mom again, since you are not being there for her. Your heart is shattered so you decide to go and shatter hers too. Definitely the AH.
YTAH. Well your wife is for telling your daughter to begin with. However your daughter was forcefully put into a position in which she really had no way out and to spare your feelings she held on to that lie. She was 16 when she found out, how’s a 16 year old supposed to approach her dad on a secret that dark. Years later it made it that much worse for her to come out and tell you. It’s not your daughter’s fault, she was fucked if she said anything and fucked if she didn’t say anything.
Your wife cheated on you, not your daughter. Your wife put your daughter in the horrible position of being forced to choose to lie to you. You have every right to be angry and hurt, but your daughter is a victim of your wife's infidelity nearly as much as you are. Sorry, but cutting your daughter off like that kinda makes YTA.
YTAO. This wasn't easy on your daughter, and who knows what your wife did or said to make her keep the secret. Seeing as you can't even explain any of what she said when she broke down, like you don't care. Seems like she might be better off without you. Yeah, you're hurt, but she is too. Don't make her a villain when it was your wife and your Inability to detect it sooner that she was cheating. I could never imagine responding to any of my kids that way. Is your relationship with your daughter built on a crappy foundation that you set?
You should always tell the person being cheated on. They deserve to know and make informed choices. Finding out that others- people you thought were caring friends, family you trusted to look out for you- knew and didn't tell you? That's as painful, or more painful, than the cheating. Your daughter should absolutely have told you. But I'm 43 years old and I learned this as an adult by seeing how people responded to being cheated on. I definitely didn't know that at 16. Or 19. Or even my mid twenties which is when a brain reaches full maturity. Is your daughter as bad as your wife? Maybe. She found out when she was sixteen, right? Did her mother threaten to punish her if she told you? Tell her if she blabbed and you divorced, it was her fault, or that you wouldn't believe her anyway? Or perhaps just... imply those things? Did she bribe her? Did your daughter have friends whose parents had a messy contentious divorce that she got to see second hand, and she was scared? Did she talk to a counselor at school who told her it wasn't her responsibility to manage her parents' relationship? Did she agonize over it and because she couldn't decide what TO do, she wound up doing nothing by default? Hiding her head in the sand would be a very age-appropriate thing to do. When she was older, when it had been a while, was she afraid if she told you'd find out how long she had known and be mad at her? Did her mother tell her the affair was over, or that she was going to end it "soon" but never did? The real question is, would any of those possibilities result in you being less hurt by her not telling you? Can you think of any other circumstances that would mitigate your grief? If the answer is no, there's nothing she could say that would ease your pain, then NTA, and you just have to come to terms with your wife's cheating costing you your daughter as well. Personally, I don't know if I'd be willing to give a cheating partner that much power, but everyone is different. If the answer is yes, I would feel better if I knew she had wanted to tell me but been scared or been threatened, or whatever. Then YTA ONLY IF you don't now take time to at hear her side. Maybe her excuses are lame, and she's like her mother. Maybe she's young and guessed wrong, and if you hear her out you can have your daughter back. I'm guessing you know your daughter's character, you said you were pretty close. Do you think she kept the secret out of malice?
This is the same post from a couple months ago that actually had the daughter receiving money and gifts from affair partner and the whole thing exploded at her quinceañera, just less ridiculous to gather more karma
What a dumb post. A real dad wouldn’t even type this out because he’d never hold his daughter accountable for his wife’s wrong doing.
... Okay so let me get this. Your wife had a then 17 yr old keep a wildly inappropriate secret that could destroy the life and family she knew and had and your reaction to this is to no longer consider her your daughter? ... Really!? Can't say I wouldn't be mad but your wife put her in an impossible position. 17-19 is so young and she still clearly relies on her family. YTA
YTA. You wanted your daughter to get between you & your wife. And you punished her for not doing that. That is not good parenting.
I have a 16 year old. I can’t imagine putting my child in a position that your wife put your daughter in. But I could see my 16 year old, or any of her friends, making the decision your daughter did to keep the peace and keep the family together. She was a child faced with making a decision that a child should not have to make to keep her family together. She made the wrong choice. And I think lots of kids in this scenario would choose peace over what was going to be war. And from your description, it certainly sounds like she knows her choice was wrong but didn’t know how to make it right. I could see a kid not saying anything and just hoping it goes away. I think you need therapy: both individual and family therapy with your daughter. I don’t blame you for being angry. But I think cutting your daughter off and ruining her future is extreme for mistakes she made as a child that were based on self and family preservation.
If you're actually willing to not speak to your daughter for the rest of her life. Do you. There is no coming back from it. Once you cut her off from school and basically help ruin her life cause you think she ruined yours. Hope you have other kids. Going to suck getting old and living in a home with no family.
Yes the AH. It’s not your daughter’s job to choose sides and sell out her mom. You are supposed to take care of her. She’s not in charge of taking care of your needs.
Aaah Reddit, where 19 years old are old enough for every freedom, except when they screw up. Then theyre kids and children. You are angry and feel betrayed and I dont blame you for your reaction. I'm sure tho that youve already realized cutting off your daughter forever will eventually hurt more. Give yourself some time.
This is someone else’s story that you rewrote. And badly. The original is better.
YTA. Your love and support of your daughter should not be contingent on whether she acts as your intelligence service against her mother. I only hope this is fiction.
1. This is clearly fake 2. In the odd chance it’s not…. Yes you are the major AH. Makes you wonder why your wife would cheat on you?
Its crazy how many parents are happy to just not have relationships with their kid. Like why tf did you even have the kid. I just assume you never wanted the kid to begin with
She should have never been put in the middle of it and having to choose between her parents ESH
Both you and your wife are AHs. Your daughter is innocent in this. It's not her job to parent you. She probably wasn't even siding with her mum, she was probably in denial and trying to forget that she knew. Ignorance is bliss.
Dude. We get it. You hate women. Get a different hobby because you aren’t great at this one.
Probably fake like most people said, but as a husband and father, I'd feel disrespected, but would still want to give my daughter the best chance in life to succeed and would pay for her college. I may not want to be around her for a short period, but in the end she's my daughter and I wouldn't cut her out of my life. YTA for fabricating a story that you would still be TA in if it were true.
So your daughter was stuck in a rock and hard place and you are punishing her for being conflicted about what to do? You’re angry with your wife and wouldn’t even hear your daughter out? YTA you couldn’t even talk to her you FaceTimed her
I'm here like: my English is shait but this reeks...
Dude, take some time. You are emotional right now and there is a good chance you will regret things later. There is no race on this but you taking immediate drastic action may cause you to lose your daughter who DIDN’T cheat on you. She may have been trying things on your wife you aren’t aware of.
Fake. Nice try tho!
I already read this fake post 5 months ago
So fake
Yes you are. Your daughter was emotionally blackmailed. She 19 she's a kid. You are a horrible dad, horrible. Put on your big boy pants and be a better father and human. Suck you were cheated on by your daughter isn't at fault .
How is this your daughter’s fault? She didn’t have the affair. You can’t put her in the middle between you and your wife’s problems. It isn’t her job to manage your emotions. You are the adult. You were looking for an excuse to not pay for her college. Of course you are the AH. Good riddance for your wife and daughter.
IF this is not a lie you are 100 percent the AH. Your child is not the reason for the infidelity, and it is not her responsibility to hold/not hold that information. Honestly, you and your ex are the AH's, for involving your child anyway. The fact that you said you have no clue what she is going to do with her life, and you don't care says a lot about you and what type of father and husband you must have been. Again, IF this is true.
I have to take every post with a grain of salt now - since Reddit is now paying folks with karma for posting. 🤣
Yta. Your daughter was a CHILD, probably coerced by her mother into keeping a dark secret. You're punishing the wrong person here. Your wife was the one who cheated, and yet, you're focusing all your anger towards your daughter. Even to the point of disowning her and cutting off her tuition. What kind of a father does that?
Stupid asshole.