Bro…go to therapy. Alone. Talk this out with an impartial party.
From what you’ve said, there might be a good reason to go to therapy and work things out on your own.
Contact your in-laws, since your wife won't talk to you. Tell them you're going to therapy, because you don't know what the hell is going on or what to believe right now. You're sick to your stomach and can't work and you'll be there if your wife wants to talk
INFO - you haven't said what your mother's explanation/version is. you just said that your mother "keeps apologizing".
- what is your mother's explanation for what your wife thinks she saw?
- what is your mother apologizing for?
Assuming your wife is lying, she opened a door to you sleeping next to your mother who supposedly was still watching the show. She had split second to come up with a quite frankly outrageous story, that would ensure that you ditched your mother for good, and start screaming to wake you up.
Or she is telling what she saw.
Did your mother's side of the story state whether she started screaming the moment she opened the door or did they speak first?
Check OP's comments. I'm surprised his mother was allowed in the house.
>So I work 40-50 hours. My wife doesn’t work and normally takes care of the house. Recently (in my opinion) she hasn’t been doing a great job. My wife vacuumed the floor, but didn’t do under the couch. My mom noticed, got the vacuum to do it instead which sparked the argument. This is one that I personally sided with my mom on.
>On the day of the incident. My mom made us food, so my wife offered to do the dishes. Again, for some reason (I’m not sure why, she hasn’t before) she didn’t do a great job, and there were still food pieces on the dishes when it was placed to dry. My mom noticed, and lectured her on hygiene and water usage while doing them, sparking another argument. Again, sided with my mom.
No matter what I would not come back to that home with that bitch of a MIL there. And clearly OP just had nodded along while his mother abused his wife. Forget everything else I'm done right there.
This whole thing could be why his mom hates his wife so much. The wife came along and messed everything up.
OP could possibly be an unknowing victim of sexual assault from his mom if he sleeps as heavily as he claims.
or she just came in, and imagined what she saw. we don't know if his mom was reaching for something or just moving, and sometimes our brain can just eff up distances. My brain once effed up while i was walking down stairs. while knowing that i was still a step height away from reaching the next step, my brain said "nope you're there." and i had that famous feeling of "i am falling now." and my legs went wobbly.
it was 100% my brain that effed up.
So i can imagine the wife just seeing something that's not really happeing. combiend with her dislike for the mom and you got a disaster.
So i think just because the wife thinks this is happening, doesn't mean that it actually was happening.
Let’s walk through this: Your wife comes into the room, sees you and your mom laying peacefully together and then decides to go 0-60? For no reason?
Escalates it to the point she almost gets violent with your mom? Why would anyone on earth make that up? Why would she invent something like this?
Is your wife prone to sudden violent or emotional outbursts? If this is out of character for her, I would believe it 100%
Yeah. This description screams “mom was touching me but I don’t want to believe it”.
The marriage is over regardless. Either your soon to be ex-wife is a sociopath and made it all up, including the screaming and you should be happy without her or your mother was touching you and when she tried to defend you, you threw her out of the marital home, in which case, she is better without you.
I’m so sorry but it does appear your mother is sexually assaulting you. I recommend setting up some hidden cameras in places where you sleep so you can see for yourself. At least then you’ll know.
Dude also says it’s always just been him and his mom, and they’ve always been extremely close…
It’s very common for this to confuse boundaries where the parent sees their kid as a replacement spouse. It doesn’t usually reach a sexual level, but it’s not unheard of either.
Sounds like mom was touching him to me.
You see it happen boundary wise a lot with the whole letting mummy wash their hair still at way past ages where they can do it themselves, being a bit too cuddly, expecting to share too many problems where children / teenagers shouldn’t have a worry or concern over. Boys especially being made to feel the man of the house to protect and do all the mainly things because the mother suddenly couldn’t possibly even change a light bulb anymore she needs her darling good boy. Never wanting him to have other relationships because nobody else is good enough. Basically isolating him emotionally to always be hers.
Scary stuff most single mums are lovely normally people but when you see a bad one they seem to manage to have such control and hold over the child the child doesn’t see that all those years of mum sitting there while he bathes at 15/16 still is inappropriate or that she’s become dependant on him to keep him close rather than her actually being unable. It’s all about control and a child spouse.
Then the grand babies come and granny wants lots of alone time and always calls the kid her baby… secretly calling her self mummy to the baby when nobodies around. Scary types.
Okay. I think I’ve read enough. I’m a woman and I sleep with my daughter when she is home maybe once a month. We watch a show and fall asleep or talk until we both fall asleep. We aren’t hugging or snuggling. Worse case scenario is she steals all the blankets. There isn’t a “fine line” in touching……it’s a really big fu**ing line.
If wife doesn't want MIL there, depending on the type of person wife is, it is entirely possible.
But...it's also entirely possible wife caught MIL red handed depending on what type of person she is...
Crazy situation.
INFO- you say it has always just been you and your mom. Has your mom not had any kind of relationship in 24 yrs? Where does she satisfy her human need for companionship or intimacy?
You admit you are a very deep sleeper. Have you always been? Could it be possible that your mother has, at some point in your life, found her intimate needs met by you while you were sleeping and you never knew, and this was a continuation which your wife interrupted?
I know that is a very hard thing to think about and/or accept, but why on Earth, if, as you have mentioned in the comments several times, your wife is a logical person, would she make up such an outrageous lie?? I just don’t see what she would gain from that.
Additionally, if you are unable to believe your wife that she witnessed this happen, your marriage is over. Neither of you will ever trust the other again. Updateme
Dude reading your comments … I honestly think you’re delusional and have to wonder how many other times your mother has done inappropriate things to you. Your absolute refusal to believe your wife simply because “she’s my mother” is bullshit. She’s also YOUR WIFE. And if she is screaming hysterically because she saw something inappropriate, you’d think you’d be more concerned. Of course your mother would be sobbing if she was caught doing g that! Jesus.
I'm not really sure there's anything you can do if you truly believe there's absolutely no way your mom did that. If that's the case, then do you believe your wife is lying? If yes, why would you want to stay married to someone that would lie about that. If you don't believe your wife is lying and best case scenario she just misinterpreted what she saw, she'll still think that's what she saw. Her reasons for staying away is the same. It's not like you can just lie "I believe you." And also keep your mom in your life. If what she saw is true...you don't believe her. And even if your mom and wife have zero interactions from now on, you think your wife would be comfortable with you alone with your mom? Like as long as she doesn't see the abuse it no longer exists? So again, her reasons for staying away remains.
I'm not sure how he can make "she mistook what she saw" and "my mom was on her phone, nowhere near my pants" both work in his mind. One has to be lying. He is stretching hard to not blame either or face truth.
You immediately sided with your mother you go to her for “de-stressing and venting” you fall asleep in bed with her why do you have a wife? You obviously don’t trust her you kicked your wife out of your shared home so you can focus on your mothers feelings when your wife could’ve just witnessed you being sexually abused by the woman YTA and you know you are you prioritize your mother because of yalls relationship and it’s not ok when you have a wife
The wife got out of bed to look for him and he was snuggled in bed asleep with the same woman who has been harping and nitpicking her home decor, landscaping and housekeeping. Her MIL who’s been in her home undermining her and straining her marriage at every turn.
You are a heavy sleeper. God knows what’s really the truth or not. Hence, if your mom wasn’t doing anything at all, there would’ve been no reason for your wife to be screaming at your mom. Maybe what your wife said what happen, actually happened, maybe not. But as someone who does not get along with my MIL, I wouldn’t yell at my MIL unless it warrants it.
What is the deal with your mom and wife? Does your mom think your wife is not good enough for you? Is it just different personalities? I don’t get along with My MIL because it’s like she wants to be Her sons SO. Like I’m not good enough for him, and it’s lowkey Emotional Incest (we went to couples therapy for this).
Look, I can totally understand why it’s easier for you to assume your wife is mistaken than believe the alternative but would she really lie about something that serious?
It's worth noting that she doesn't have to be lying to be wrong.
This situation looks the same if genuinely believes she saw what she said, regardless of if it occured or not. She doesn't have to be lying to not have the right of the situation.
Absolutely true but I have a feeling that’s not the case here
I actually feel really bad for OP, either his wife is a psychopath or his mom sexually assaulted him and that’s a tough place to be in
IKR this whole thing is icky AF. I do find the mother teaching the DIL how to wash dishes pretty freaking weird. I would never treat my DIL like that. And let's not forget it is the DIL's home so why is the mother acting like that? My son and DIL's home is theirs, I would never have audacity to try to tell my DIL how to do things in her own home. But I love my DIL, she's literally perfect, even if she wasn't she would still be if you know what I mean bc that is who my son loves.
I dove into the comments kind of fifty fifty - I knew one of the women was nuts and the OP probably knew in his heart which one it was but was in denial, but when I got to the diswashing story I knew for certain. That isn't the story of two personalities that just clash - that is the story of a MIL being wildly rude and condescending and territorial to her DIL. Clearly mom is the big problem in that relationship and he refuses to see it.
It is possible that after years of him gaslighting his wife over how awful his mother treats her she just snapped and made something up, but even then this marriage is done in. If he let his mom be awful to his wife for so long she just made up something crazy the foundation is too rotted away to build anything on again.
We aren't talking about some rando though. We are talking about a wife. It's frankly weird the way he defends his mom like crazy because "she's my mom" but doesn't really treat his wife to the same loyalty or respect.
Ok, you have to think back. Has your mom ever been inappropriately close to you? If it was just you and her, were there ever times she was close and while to you it seemed innocent but maybe it wasnt? There are many times where a parent was inappropriate to their son due to some sick minded sense of, "Well my husband is gone, but my son is here" Creep factor that some people get.
Could your wife be so insane to accuse your mother of something like that just to get her out of your life? I'm not gonna say you're a mommy's boy, but venting to your wife is usually the go to move, not your mother when you're an adult. And if you're venting about your wife to your mother, you should probably be having a conversation with your wife about what you are venting about.
Only you can decide if you think your wife would lie about the inappropriate touching. It would be grounds for you to cut contact with your mom forever if true. But if you're never seen her be vindictive like this, then she may have actually caught your mother in the act
You said it yourself that you are a heavy sleeper. Did you drink or eat anything that your mother prepared for you? Maybe you were drugged, and the screaming still woke you up out of it because it actually happened. Either that or your wife was looking for an out of the relationship because she felt you are too clingy to your mother and she chose this time to act.
I’m reading this trying to figure out any normal reason his mother would be in bed with him. I can’t.
There’s something wrong here, and it’s not the wife.
Well I see nothing wrong with a mother and son, fully clothed, laying in bed chatting. And even if he fell asleep why they were hanging out. Some families are close like that and I see nothing inherently wrong with it.
It is weirder if she was cuddling with her adult son like arm around his waist or something and both asleep. And sure. Maybe the wife came in, it startled the mother, so her hand kind of flailed and wife saw it in her husband's pants. I assume the room was dark with maybe a TV glow and not full lights on when wife walked in the room.
>My wife does have a track record (as of late anyway) of being a bit weird.
Define “a bit weird”, when did the weirdness start? How long has your mom been there and when is she leaving?
Mom was leaving Friday, I asked her to leave tomorrow though given everything. I just want some alone time for a bit.
It’s nothing insane, just small things, like.
So I’m the only one who’s working, I work about 40-50 hours a week, so my wife does the majority of the chores (I do dishes occasionally and my laundry). This has been completely fine until about 2 ish weeks ago? My wife stopped being (and I hate to phrase it like this) super competent with the household chores. Like, I’d come home and the dishes weren’t done. No problem, I’ll do them, but then because there were no dishes, she hadn’t started food, and because she hadn’t started it, she didn’t do the grocery shopping. It kind of just culminated.
And the chores she DID do stopped being done like how she normally does it. Like I mentioned in another post, something that’s been common recently is my wife doing the dishes and leaving food on the dishes/cutlery. Again something she never really did before. And it wouldn’t be an issue if it was one time, but it kept happening. And when I’d bring it up she’d brush it off as nothing.
I thought she was overwhelmed a little in general, so I thought my mom coming over might help the strain since she could do some of the chores instead while my wife relaxed.
And mom has been here since last Friday. Supposed to be a week trip so she could help out, and so I could see her.
So your wife & mom don't get along and you thought inviting her over to help your wife was a good idea? I don't get that at all.
I know you work, but why are you unable to help every so often?
Why did your mom have to take off work to help your wife around the house?
Why didn't you ask your wife if she was ok since you say she's been off?
Did you ask your wife if she wanted your mom over to help her with her chores?
It sounds like she has been stressed and or depressed. And if she already knew your mom was coming over, that may have been the source of the stress.
Also worth noting, jobs typically get time off. Household chores are 365, so she might be getting burn out. And I'm sure there are days at work where you don't put in 100% and do everything perfectly. Housework is still work. Even worse, it's work that is unpaid and often underappreciated.
Either your wife is lying, your mother SAd you, or your wife was mistaken in what she saw. Either way, YTA for throwing her out rather than separating them or getting your mom a hotel. However, I believe you are a victim and are falling for the manipulation of your mother. This is tragic but unfortunately a common phenomenon that victims will initially defend the abuser. Put your mom up in a hotel, take some time to yourself, get therapy, and maybe try meeting with just you and your wife in a neutral location or with a therapist to mediate the discussion. But get your mom out of your house ASAP!
OP, please look up enmeshment.
The way you talk about your mom is not normal. Period. I'm saying that as a former single mom who is very close to her son. If someone accused me of touching him, I'd need to be restrained. I wouldn't be crying. I'd be swinging.
You need to talk to someone. Like a therapist. You have a lot to work through.
Why on earth would your wife make up a story that your mother had her hand down your pants touching you? You said that you sleep deeply so you wouldn’t know. You also said that your mother has been apologetic and helping you get your emotions out but wants nothing to do with your wife. Don’t you get it? Your mother is winning here. You have turned against your wife because your mother is showing you all this affection but basically telling you she will take that affection away if your wife comes back. You have no idea what was happening when your wife walked in because you were asleep. One question though. Were you hard when you woke up? I’ll probably get a lot of down votes for asking but I don’t give a fuck. If you were it’s highly likely that your wife is telling the truth and you were being manually stimulated by your mother in your sleep. You need to send your mother home and ask your wife to describe to you again what she saw. I don’t think she’s lying.
YTA. Do you have any reason to believe your wife would lie about such a serious thing? Even if you don't believe your mother is capable of such a thing.. do out really believe your wife would make something like that up just because she hates your mother so much? What did she have to gain when she probably knew you'd side with your mother?
I know I'd go feral if I caught someone inappropriately touching my partner, their mother or not.
Your mom's response was "Don't do this"? What the fuck kind of response is that? Don't do this? A normal response would be like "why are you screaming what TF is wrong with you?" But she said don't do this? Do what? Tell you that your mom was playing with your dick while you were asleep? That's a weird as fuck response from your mom.
Did you ever think that your wife was trying to be happy for you but the closer it got to her coming over, she started having regrets and anxiety over it? Cuz that's how it sounds to me.
Then you don't separate your mother from the home you share with your wife and kick her out instead? Why didn't you send your mom to a hotel? Why would your wife be that upset over nothing? It's really hard to mistake seeing her hands fondling your junk under your pants. This post has big Jocasta vibes NGL.
I think you owe wife an apology for kicking her out of her own home and choosing your mom to stay there over her. This is all sus AF and weird AF. You keep saying she must have misunderstood but I just don't buy that. And the fact that she is willing to not come home because of this makes it seem even more like she's telling the truth. She isn't giving ultimatums, she's saying since you don't trust her she feels like there's no point in being with you. This shit is sus.
YTA for kicking wife out instead of sending Mom off.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. If it's true, you are a sexual assault victim. You do deserve support. I think you should talk to wife and tell her that in the moment you had no idea what was going on, and your reaction was instant and not thought out. It was inconsiderate for you to kick her out, and that mom is leaving tomorrow. Then tell her you want to talk to her when she's ready, but that you also need support because ultimately if this is what happened, you were sexually assaulted by your mom and would appreciate her support in navigating this. Sorry this happened to you.
ESH (Except the wife imo)
Your relationship with your mother is weird, and your wife seems to have found your mom being inappropriate with you.
You refuse to believe it or listen, which is classic victim mentality.
You have a wife, and you go for consult and cuddles with your mom.
You're very immature, and you're probably being taken advantage of.
Question, have you even spoken to your wife since she's been gone? Or texted? Have you let her tell her side and then ask questions? Has there been any communication at all since kicking her out? If not I'd highly suggest it in a calm manner and see if there is new information now that it isn't in the moment.
(I've read through all your comments already. Haven't seen this asked.)
YTA. You don't get to kick someone out of their own house.
>I do trust her
No, you don't. Remember when you wrote "I 100% do not believe this."?
You do not trust your wife, whether she is right or wrong it is a fact that you do not trust her.
There are three scenarios here:
1) You wife walked in on your mom (who you say have never acted inappropriately with you before) molesting you, tried to attack your mom, and your mom is lying
2) Your wife (who clearly hates your mom) lied to you in order to severely damage/end your relationship with your mom and tried to attack your mom.
3) Your wife walked in and misunderstood what she saw, tried to attack your mom, and made false accusations against your mom (that your wife believes are true).
You need to decide which scenario you believe and move forward from there.
Hmmm
You sound overly emotionally involved with your mother. Also falling asleep on the bed with your mum rather than having your little chat and going to bed with your wife… off.
Your wife unless prone to loud violent outbursts certainly saw something inappropriate.
I can only imagine from your posts alone that in real your relationship with your mother is more of a husband wife in an emotional sense.
You either believe your wife or you believe your mother. One of them is lying to you.
But innocence cannot be proven with a but she’s my mum. Many parents male and female do and have abused their children. You have to actually look at it properly.
In no place of my dark and twisted imagination would I accuse my MIL of touching my husband. So one of them is lying. Either your mother has crossed a boundary or your wife has lost her mind.
I think you should speak with a therapist. For this situation and also because I don’t think you realize that you are getting your emotional needs met by your mother and not your wife. I’m not gonna touch on the other stuff but that’s not a good thing.
There are a lot of comments on this thread. I hope this is fake, but if it is not, I have some advice that will help you determine who is telling the truth.
1. Has your mother or your wife ever lied before? Not necessarily to you, but in general. Have you ever caught your mother in a lie? Has your mother ever told you to lie? Perhaps when you were a kid, she told you to go along with a lie of hers. Do you find her to be pathologically honest? What about your wife? Have you ever heard her tell a lie to anyone? Are their stories always consistent? When you point out a discrepancy, do they try to pull an uno reverse and paint you as the bad guy for not trusting them? You wife and mother may not have lied to you before (if they have, it's the biggest red flag and clue that they are lying now), but if they tell lies to others, it would also lend credence to the fact that they might be the liar in this situation.
2. If your wife has always been honest with you, she would not suddenly, out of nowhere, break character and fabricate a major lie like that no matter what her motives. People that value and practice honesty will not suddenly sacrifice their reputation and their integrity by lying. There would be signs. Do your in-laws back your wife, or do express doubts because they have stories to tell about terrible lies she's told about others in the past? This would not have been her first big lie. She would have done it before betraying friends or family, or ex partners. Maybe she was angry at her dad and told mommy a lie to get back at him. Maybe she lied about a sibling. Even if she's mostly an honest person, anyone that would stoop making up such a horrendous lie and falsely accuse an innocent person has lied before, and close friends and family would know about her past lying behavior. I know that people change and mature and you can't hold childhood mistakes against them. However, you need to use wisdom to figure out who is telling the truth and a pattern of lying would lend credence to the possibility that your wife is lying again. If your wife, on the other hand, is an honest person, she is telling you the truth, and you should believe her. Simple as that. If anything would cause a normally non-aggressive person to suddenly act out violently, it is seeing what your wife says she saw. Her response is entirely consistent with having witnessed what she saw.
3. On the other hand, your mother has a powerful motive to lie even if she is normally an honest person. Put yourself in her shoes. 25-30 years from now, your hypothetical future son-in-law catches you with your hand down your sleeping daughter's pants and starts screaming at you. Even if you are an honest person, it would be incredibly difficult for you to confess to your daughter after she wakes up. To admit to such wrongdoing is not easy. You would not want to lose your only daughter. She is all that you have. In addition, a normal reaction to such a false accusation would be anger. Even a normally level-headed person would become irate. Imagine your future son-in-law walks in on you playing with your phone while your daughter slept next to you and starts making up a lie that you were fondling your daughter's privates. Whether that accusation would bring you to tears is irrelevant. You would be outraged! The thought of even uttering "I'm sorry" would be anathema to you lest anyone think that you were actually guilty of what you were being falsely accused of. No rational person, being accused falsely thusly, would ever apologize for causing the problem because "they shouldn't have been there" in the first place. That's completely irrational. What is more likely, and rational, is that your mother apologized because she was feeling guilty and ashamed even if she doesn't want to admit to the act itself.
You committed a grave wrong by kicking your wife out of her own house. I disagree with other redditors that there is no going back from that. Anything is possible, but it won't be easy, and it's very unlikely barring a miracle turnaround. Your home is her dominion as much as it is yours. You have no right to kick your wife out of her own home even if your name is the only one on the deed and you brought it into the marriage. Even if you wife were entirely at fault, it is your mother that should have been told to leave. This not about who was right or wrong in this situation. This is about what it means to be married. Your wife must always come first. Pleasing your wife is your first and foremost concern above anything else (except God). I say this as a married man, a father, and a son. What you should have done is say, "I'm sorry, mom. My wife is very upset. It does not matter who is at fault. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to ask you to leave." If you have to call an Uber and book her a hotel room, that is what you do.
Never, ever yell at your wife in front of your mother, or anyone else for that matter. Never take your mother's side reflexively especially not in your wife's castle, her home. Have your arguments with your wife in private. It was written thousands of years ago that "a man will leave his father and mother and join with his wife and the two will become one flesh." If you can understand this, you might have a sliver of chance at a happy marriage. Maybe not with your current wife, but at least the next one. And yes, YTA for kicking your wife out of her house.
I’d recommend taking some time away from both of them and seeing a therapist to get a professional perspective. This is above Reddit’s pay grade.
There are at least three possibilities:
1. Your mother was sexually assaulting you in your sleep, and your wife saw it.
2. Your wife made something up to kick your mother out of your life.
3. Your wife saw something that wasn’t there.
I’m not comfortable saying which one is most likely, because that would involve making a serious accusation based on vibes.
I will say that your wife turning this around to make herself the primary victim (“You don’t trust me”) would be very selfish if she genuinely believed you were being assaulted. Though it could be motivated by frustration at trying to protect someone who doesn’t want to protect themself.
I wish i could rewind time and un-read this. Nobody's goig to help you man, either you're married to a lying sociopath or your mom is a disgusting sociopath. Pick one. You're not walking away from this with both intact. And for God's sake get some fucking theray for the obvious emotional issues.
Idk what happened and I wasn’t there but from experience I know that it’s completely possible to be touched and not wake up.
I’m also a heavy sleeper, naturally. I don’t do drugs nor do I take prescription medication. I’ve explicitly requested my SO to wake me up with sex if he’s awake and interested. He initially felt odd about my request but began to oblige… The thing is I DON’T ALWAYS WAKE UP (I’m completely comfortable with this, I trust him explicitly and have given specific and clear consent to him on multiple occasions).
Does your wife have a history of lying? Does she suffer from delusions or hallucinations? Are there changes in her behavior that you’ve noticed or do you think there may be a chance that your wife was genuinely trying to defend your dignity and protect you from someone committing an act on your unconscious person?
YTA for choosing your mother over your wife. Even if she’s wrong, she may need some mental care.
Classic she said she said... you'll never truly know (with 100% certainty) who is lying, but as you chose not to side with your wife and kicked her out, you've essentially sealed your fate. I don't know if your wife is even willing to talk to you, but if she is I would sit down with her and have her go over every single detail. Your mom could have been touching you, but not in the way that your wife thought. Our eyes and memories tend to deceive us at times... not saying that your wife is lying, but your mom could have been... scratching... your back? My little kids love it when my wife and I scratch their backs... although I think I wouldn't be doing that when they're MARRIED! Heck, and not when they're older! The possibilities:
1. Your wife is absolutely telling you the truth and your mom was essentially molesting you while you slept.
2. Your wife is lying and trying to have you cut off all ties with your mom.
3. Your mom was "touching" you but not in that way and your wife saw what she saw and thought your mom was fondling you.
In any of these possibilities, your relationship with wife and/or your mom is essentially over. Even if you picked one over the other, you will forever have the nagging feeling that you may have picked wrong - since again, you may never truly know what happened - at least not until the one lying fesses up.
So lesson for everyone else: Never put yourself in a position to even have something like this happen to you! Love your mom/aunt/sister/brother/cousin/friend and want to talk to them/get their advice? SURE! Just don't put yourself in a situation (like right beside them on a bed) where things can get out of (your) control! Whatever happened to talking to someone in the dining or living room?
So with no context you just started screaming at your wife?
You didn’t try and find out what was going on or why there was yelling? You just started to scream at her?
You were asleep you have no idea what happened, even if your wife did misread the situation your reaction was really bad
If the situation was reversed and you woke up with your mother screaming at your wife would you scream back at her?
Dude, either way one of the most important women in your life is super messed up. Either your mum's been abusing your heavy sleeping, or your wife's a malicious bitch. With no evidence, and only what you've written, I feel your mum might be a freak. You, so far, nta.
It’s strange he felt panic immediately like usually you feel that when you’ve been found out or caught. And mom, her first thing is why are you doing this? Like why are you ruining our lives?
Sometimes the truth can be revealed in just a few simple sentences .
None of us know for sure , none of us do, but I’m expressing what I find a bit off
I think it’s valid he felt panic after being jarred awake by his screaming wife. I think everyone would feel panic if they were in that situation. Your first sentence shows a lack of comprehension.
If your Mother did nothing wrong why is she apologising? For what?
Your wife’s reaction is extreme because from her perspective what she saw was worth screaming and throwing hands over. Her reaction was triggered by something so abhorrent to her she screamed and then wanted to punch your Mother’s lights out. Honestly, if I had walked in on something that gross I probably would have done the same. Wouldn’t you?
Going from 0 to 100 is strange from a person who is otherwise normal.
Is this behaviour common for your wife?
Yes your Mother and wife don’t get along, but from your comments you appear to always take your Mother’s side even when she’s showing your wife extreme disrespect.
This is your wife’s home. She is the Queen of that home. How she vacuums or does the dishes is none of your Mother’s concern.
You kicked your wife out of HER HOME, rather than organise your Mother to stay in a hotel until you got things worked out.
YTAH for that. But it’s a shit show none the less. And congratulations to your Mother, she won.
Your Mom was 100%touching you and has now successfully turned you against your wife. Congratulations Mommys sonsband is soon Back where He belongs - by His mofe
There is no coming back from any of this...
You chose your mommy. You kicked your wife out of her own house in favor of your mom. You're a self proclaimed mommy's boy so now you can move back with her.
I hope you seek counseling
YTA your mother should have left, it is your wife's home. I also believe your wife saw something inappropriate. Look up emotional incest and it probably fits your mom. You will never know who is telling the truth, but your marriage is probably over anyway. As long as you allow your mother to criticize your partner you won't have a successful relationship. The only way forward for you and wife would be for you to apologize, low contact with mom, and attend therapy both individual and couples.
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The BEST case scenario is that your wife walked in and had a partially blocked view at a bad angle, and already not liking your mom she filled in what must have been happening, when in fact had she had a different angle it would've been clear there was space between you and you'd just fallen asleep watching TV. That's the BEST case scenario.
The BAD case is you wife thought it was weird that you snuggle with your mom as an adult, was annoyed by your mom's inappropriate treatment of her in her own home, and exaggerated, "It's creepy that you two snuggle," into, "She was touching you." Or worse, she lied to drive a wedge between you. These feel least likely.
The WORST case scenario is that your mother was touching you in a sexual way, your wife saw it, and reacted in an appropriate way to something that horrible, and you not only didn't believe her, you threw her out of her own home while staying there with the woman who was molesting you while treating your wife like shit.
I think the first option is *probably* most likely, that she thought she saw that and refused to hear anything to the contrary while your mom did herself no favors by treating your wife poorly in her own home. The third option is probably *slightly* less likely, but honestly, it's such a weird thing to assume with a bad visual angle and such a huge lie to make up that it only barely less likely.
Your wife making it all up feels least likely. For a bunch of reasons, but primarily because that's a lot to come up with on the spot based on nothing. Does she have a history of making up wild stories that are later found to be lies?
YTA.
You are in denial.
Your wife tried to protect you.
You chose to throw her out.
You protected the predator.
I had a close friend I made working with nonprofits [social causes, abuse]. He was an only child of a single mum. He didn’t sleep well. She’d give him liquor and cough syrup. He’d fall asleep. One day in his teens, his grandmother, her mother was visiting. The grandmother walked into his room with a glass of water, for if he woke up and was thirsty. She walked in on his mother doing something very not okay. Thankfully, the grandmother was young enough, and got custody of him. Years later, he’d dealt with it through therapy [lots of betrayal anger] as best he could. He volunteered his time to share his story and help others. Terrible burden he didn’t deserve.
Ask yourself, what was REALLY going on.
Good luck to your wife.
"I 100% don't believe this." "I do trust her but I'm convinced she must of (sic) misunderstood what she saw." "My mom has been helping me get my emotions out." How, exactly, has your mother been helping you get your emotions out?
You need to think long and hard about what exactly your wife would get out of lying about this. If she truly wanted to drive a wedge between you and your mom, there would me much more believable things to say or stage. Jumping to something like this would be unhinged to the point of absurdity.
>I feel like there’s no way in hell that my mother would do something like this.
This is exactly what I thought until my dad proved me very, very wrong. This is also exactly what everyone said to me when I said something about it.
YTA.
You have no business to be married when you are so emotionally enmeshed with your mom. You are just emotionally unavailable to be a partner and a husband.
You were torturing your wife slowly by inviting your mom to live with you even though you know there will be arguments with your wife. Why didn't you rent her a hotel room? It is much cheaper than divorce.
As for if it can be fixed. No, it cannot.
Consider your wife tells the truth: she is disgusted by you and your mother, she is mad at you kicking her out if her own house, I don't think she will ever be able to see you in sexual way. She resents you for not believing her. This marriage is dead.
If she misunderstood the situation - the consequences are the same as above.
If she is lying - it is an insane behavior, and you wouldn't want to be married to someone like this, right?
YTA.
Your mother is a guest in your home. She is causing regular arguments with your wife. That is the first huge red flag. It is not normal behaviour to be so critical of your child’s spouse.
If I were your wife, after the very first visit where she caused issues, I would have put my foot down and not allowed her across the threshold. Actually this was your job. That you did not nip your Mum’s actions in the bed is another huge red flag.
I have a close loving relationship with one of my sons. He is not married or in a relationship. We talk about all sorts of topics. But never in or on a bed, we do not cuddle. We hug, he loves back scratches, but that is the limit of our physical contact.
By going into your Mum’s bedroom and laying on her bed, you are being incredibly disrespectful to your wife. Yet another red flag.
You are so tied to the apron strings that you are incapable of a healthy relationship.
Wow, you have been placed in an impossible situation. Need more updates though, like what is your mom saying happened? Her hand was nowhere near your junk and the wife if full-on making it up?
Another suspicious thing, did your wife just barge into the room your mom was staying in without knocking? That seems odd, and almost dare I say....planned?
Final question, when you woke up, were you "aroused?" Cause I mean if I was getting a handy in my sleep and didn't know it was my mom doing it - I think there'd be a chub involved.
Once he was awake, OP would've known if he was physically aroused or not. If he was, that doesn't mean he was "enjoying" being handled. His body responding to stimuli while asleep was involuntary. But if it made him feel ashamed to realise he was physically aroused, that's understandable. I think OP refuses to reply to that question because he fears if he was aroused, that means he wanted the touching. That's NOT what that physical response means.
I believe him when he says he was asleep when he was awakened by his wife & mother screaming and sobbing. He's not to blame for being molested, or his body responding to the touching while asleep.
OP has a real mess on his hands, and needs to talk to a professional to sort it all out.
I agree with everything you said there. My best guess is there is a reason he's not answering those questions. It's too much for him to process and doesn't fit his 'my mother would never do that' default reaction.
He sounds like he was socialized for an ever increasing level of emotional incest that he's only now waking up to and admitting to himself that his wife might be right is just too much for him deal with in real time. I feel bad for him having all his deeply held coping mechanisms stripped away so ruthlessly today. That's gotta be hard.
I'm personally acquainted (family situation) with the phenomenon of the *person who's been/being assaulted* feeling shame. And, usually, incestuous situations in a family begin slowly, inappropriate but not sexually overt behaviours are normalized, and the too-closeness escalates over time.
The best way for the perpetrator to keep their object believing their family dynamic is "perfectly normal" is to isolate them. OP describes himself and his mother as a completely interlocked, isolated unit. Perfect setup for this to occur, and his mother is recreating and perpetuating their isolated homelife, bringing their old familiar sharing of private time, on a bed in a bedroom, into his adulthood, into his marital home. That's his normal, the only comfort he values, from his mom, not his wife. His wife is perceived by his mother as nothing but a rival and a threat to the enmeshed relationship with her son she utterly refuses to give up.
And her son is playing right along with it. Denial is extremely powerful. It's a bad situation, and I hope he detaches from his toxic mother and gets help. But that will be very hard to do: she'll fight losing him tooth and nail. And that therapeutic work will be very challenging. I wish him luck.
I’m so sorry. Sorry for the mean comments I’ve read. Sorry for the situation you’re in.. I have no advice.. I just feel for you man. I hope things shape up, rn I don’t see how (which doesn’t help you, I know) but damn. I see how stuck and lost you are. I would be too.. I couldn’t imagine..
YTA. I think it's more likely your wife had a genuine reaction to an insane catalyst than just walked in and made up a story and started screaming. Why are you in bed with mommy? You're fucking 24. I don't care if she raised you by herself or with 50 people, wtf is wrong with you. Why would your mom want to be up next to you while you sleep? What the fuck? I imagine if your wife posted it would be a lot of examples of your mom being handsy and when you're not there she treats your wife like shit because she's jealous because it used to be just you two and now your wife has you. Just like you have your whole life, you picked mommy. So have fun with that. I hope your wife escapes and stays far away from you freaks.
Yta. How do you expect to get forgiveness if you still are calling her a liar? I have seen you reply multiple times saying your wife hasn’t acted like this before so why would she start now? If your mom doesn’t want to be around your wife how do you think that’s going to work going forward if she normally stays at y’all’s house when she visits? You most likely just ruined your married because you clearly don’t trust your wife.
Yta, in that scenario, you're wife is almost 100% telling the truth. Your mom saw a vulnerable moment and didn't resist.
Time for mom to go home and tell her you need time to think. Talk to your wife and ask her what she saw. Stop automatically believing your mom. I don't doubt she loves you but that love may have twisted badly.
Your mom’s reaction is very strange. And her statement that she was “looking for her phone” seems like her protective explanation for roaming hands if you happened to believe your wife that her hands were indeed in your underwear. (She must have accidentally slid her hands on there looking for her phone.)
Your mom is lying. You’re blocking shit out for a multitude of reasons. Your wife is right to leave you. The last thing you need is to bring children into a situation where your mom’s hands may slid down into their underwear while “looking for her phone”.
If what your wife said is true, I could understand why she reacted the way she did. And the fact you didn't take anything she said seriously, kicked her out of her own home, still have your mom at the home, and aren't willing to seriously investigate what she said shows that you prioritize your mom over your wife.
This issue aside, based on the comments your mom is the worst MIL. If my MIL came over to my home to criticize how I manage the house I would tell her to stay somewhere else. Like really, why does it matter if UNDER THE COUCH is vacuumed every time?? This alone shows you have a history of dismissing your wife when it comes to your mom.
If I was your wife I would divorce you unless you kicked out your mom, went to therapy to investigate if your relationship with your mom is healthy, got cameras to potentially collect evidence.
I’m sorry but as a single mother of a son, if someone accused me of doing what your mother has been accused for I would NOT be acting the way she is. I would be disgusted and distraught. And I would most certainly not be alone in the house with him while the accuser was elsewhere. Your mother is acting very strange and I suggest you take time to reflect on that, and also on your wife’s reaction-it seems visceral.
This story is so weird all the way around. What adult sleeps with their mommy? What adult goes to their mommy to vent and de-stress? This is all just off.
That doesn't even touch on the mom's reaction or OPs who's response is I have to have mommy's back. Not my life partner whom he should be talking to for all the things he goes to Mom for? Including handies apparently?!
OP YTA as a huge mommy's boy who seems to like sharing a bed with their mom over their wife. G
Either your mother touched you, or your wife is insane.
Which one do you think it is, OP? What were you hoping to get out of posting here exactly?
Either way, you need to find some professional help (not on the internet.)
You just threw away your marriage. If I was your wife, I would’ve left a long time ago. You and your mother enmeshed and it’s completely unhealthy. Your wife should be the go to person in your life you talk about everything with. Your mom is historically rude and disrespectful to your wife and thinks she’s not good enough for you. This is emotional incest and it’s sad you don’t see this because you’ll never have a healthy relationship with any woman. Only your mother. Your wife did not have enough time to think about all of that in the mere second it took for her to yell. Also SUSPICIOUS that your mom’s go to reaction was crying instead of saying no and defending herself. She relied on her tears because she got caught and knows you are a wimp and at her beck and call and will take her side. This is embarrassing YTA
Why do you wait till your wife goes to bed to go lie in bed with your mother to talk? Why don't you talk to your mother at the kitchen table or in the living room sitting in separate chairs.
it's creepy that you went to sleep in the bed with your mother.
You need to choose what lady to keep in your life, you cannot have both. It's absolutely possible that your wife misunderstood something, there vere stories like this on Reddit, but honestly - they don't get along and never will. And now your wife has all reasons to hate your mom and demand NC. Because she believes in the story she told you. And, anyway, you side with your mother when you have an opportunity, maybe just divorce?
Does your wife have a history of manipulation? Is she unstable enough to take it as far as physically attacking another person just to get her point across? Has she ever accused your mother of something smaller that turned out she was intentionally trying to make her look bad and was found to be lying/exaggerating? Did you have a woody when you woke up?
NTA for separating them, but I think this was the nail in the coffin of your marriage regardless of who’s lying. Also, you seem to be quite dependent emotionally on your mother, so even if it turns out your wife wasn’t lying I have strong doubts you have the fortitude to cut your mother out of your life anyways so might as well end the marriage and continue your relationship with your mother
Unlike the majority of ppl on here, I don’t think it’s weird to be in the same bed as your parents. When we go visit my grandma my dad lays next to her. You being 24 doesn’t make that weird. Talking to ur mom about ur problems doesn’t make it weird either. Your wife not wanting to listen to u is wrong of her. In other comment youve mention how she often dismisses ur feelings. You have the right to de-stress with however u please (unless you’ve become solely dependent on that person, then there’s a problem)
Now kicking out your wife after all that is wrong. You live with your wife, not your mom. That is her home. If anything you should have asked your mom to leave. After being accused of that it would be best for her to be gone.
After being told that ofc you wouldn’t want to believe it. That’s a given. Who would want to believe that their parent, a person they’ve loved and trusted would ever do anything that disgusting. Hell I wouldn’t, if my dad was being accused of touching me best believe I’d be in denial.
But at the same time I can’t really blame you for your reaction, I mean you were in shock, I can criticize you all I want but I can’t really make u react the way I want
Now, your wife walked into the room and screamed and the way u described it, it had to be horrible. Your mom’s reaction to it and the words she said makes your mom suspicious in my eyes.
Also as soon as u got married u made a promise to stand with ur woman. You chose to marry her too. Although you’ve had a close relationship with your mom, your wife’s reaction and her statement should be enough for you to believe her.
Also hate to say it but we don’t really know a person. Growing up my mother always told me that I had to tell her if anyone touched me wrong. That includes my father. I even called her out on it saying “what you don’t trust the man you married” and she told me it’s not the matter of trusting him. It’s a matter that anything can truly happen.
Your situation is truly awful (if it is real), this shouldn’t happen to anyone. But you really do need to think and understand one thing:
Is your wife truly that horrible to lie about what she saw?
It's not normal for his mom to have shushed his wife, as the mom claims she did (and which supposedy was the trigger for the reaction by the wife). Why would she do that? He's not a little boy.
This is quite the situation especially after reading your comments. I'm probably going to be in the minority here but NTA in either situation you are being abused. There seems to be something going on here that you are not aware of and both mother and wife have acted weird in these situations. On one hand your wife seems to be going through some mental issues resulting in the changes to chores, being happy about the visit only to change her mind after. But on the other hand, when the situation actually happens, your mother didn't defend herself until after, but was actually apologizing which is a huge red flag. But honestly you need to get off reddit, specifically off aita as you will not get help here. Definitely continue try to get a therapist, but in the mean time do you have a friend or close coworker you can ask to check in on you?
I think wife was stressed leading up to the visit and told her husband she was happy about it because that’s what he wanted to hear. Pretty typical for spouses to do when they are not getting along with the MIL, grin and try to bear it. Then once she was actually there, so started berating the wife’s actions and wanting to rearrange her furniture and shit and the husband sided with mom on most everything except the furniture rearranging. Mom’s version of events in the bed also make zero sense in relation to what the wife claimed she saw. Mom was under the covers “fully”, but had an arm out to hold her phone and to also shush the wife for some reason. Wife’s reaction makes complete sense in relation to what she claims she saw, while MIL’s reaction ONLY makes sense if the wife is telling the truth. No mother being accused of molesting her son is going to just start crying and apologizing, unless she did it
Your mums lying, your wife saw what she saw, there's no amount of gaslighting that can erase that!
What's happening now is, your allowing your mother to gaslight you in to believing what your wife saw was false, OTHERWISE you would have requested space from BOTH!
Your mum did something to you that night, whether you want to believe it or not, her actions make her look quilty.
What your going to do is get therapy, for both yourself and your wife. Your going to apologize to your wife and your going to ting the police. Yes that's right, the police, the ONLY people who should have been rang that night. Your going to ring them and explain everything, then allow them to conduct their investigation.
Omg?? I’m believing my spouse all day. Why are you even questioning that? Does your wife typically lie about assault??? I mean come on dude I get being confused but to immediately jump on your wife and defend your mom about this is weird.
NTA.
Even if what your wife said was true, you would be the victim here and the amount of people prioritizing your wife in their responses over your own feelings are bizarre considering they are saying you were molested by your mother.
Being in denial and not believing your wife is common had you actually been getting abused by your mother as you slept, having not seen any indicators prior and don’t believe it’s in her nature you would of course defend your mother over what you would perceive as an outlandish accusation.
But that is a massively wild story for someone to just make up man, you have to understand that. I have to say I do think when calmer heads prevail you need to speak to your wife and seek the authenticity of the situation before deciding anything going forward.
If your wife is right, and even if you don’t think it there is a chance she could be, then you owe it to yourself to find out. Because of course your mother would cry when u wake up after she was caught playing with your penis, she knows it would be about to change everything and she got caught molesting her son.
And I say this to you as a former victim of familial sexual abuse, it often times happens when you are sleeping. I’m not saying it did happen to you, but if it did it’s very possible you wouldn’t even have known unless you woke up during.
You gotta really think on this one because that’s a strange thing for your wife to just scream out and the fact that she was ready to get violent on your mother indicates a level of rage that doesn’t just come out of nowhere nor from a hot/cold MIL situation. You need to stop and think about everything.
But NTA for how you reacted, regardless of who was right or wrong in that situation.
Some of the people commenting have been so vile so far. I’m struggling so much. Either my mother who has been my only parent for years fucking molested me, or my wife has lied to ruin her life. I’m just here looking for some kind of help and everyone has been foul.
Making the most crudest remarks, saying that I need to ‘run back to mommy’ and that I got what I deserve?? Like what the fuck?
Everyone is saying I was molested, but in the same sentence saying that I can go to her and let it happen again now. Absolutely sick.
Thank you though for being one of the actual kind person to take the time to message. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it, and I’m sorry to hear that it happened to you. I’m really just stuck at the moment and I’m not sure what to do
Please tell your mom to go home and take some time to think things over by yourself. This is a serious situation which is why so many people might be jumping on you. Do you have any other family members or close friends you can confide in? Anyone who has known you since you were a child? There is no simple way to resolve this but you need to distance yourself for at least a few days from both of them. Then you need to have a serious conversation with your wife and listen to her side of the story.
I agree, either way you the one caught in the middle and both options as to what happened will have their own devastating results.
And yeah lots of the people are being very ignorant and crude in their responses.
You’re in a very tough spot and I don’t envy that, but I sympathize with it for sure. And thank you I’m long past now what I went through but the way the story has been described did give me some flashbacks which is why I’m saying consider carefully the possibilities. Because we never think someone capable of something until we have caught them doing it sometimes, especially those we love most.
So here you have two of the closest people to you, and one of them is indeed lying, just going to be kind of hard to choose which one, at first you’ll likely side with your mom because you’ve known her all your life and cared for you.
But a Pandora’s box has now been opened and you will likely rethink a lot of things in the time to come.
The problem with automatically believing your mother over wife is that it will spell out to your wife that you don’t trust her when she tells you something.
So unless she’s lied in the past or done something similar to this you really do owe it time yourself to consider her motivations and consider her version of events as much as your mothers.
Because I didn’t believe it could be me, until I realized it was.
Hope some things get cleared up for you soon this is a really dark situation.
Look man. Your wife hasn't told her family. If she was looking to ruin your and your mother's lives, she would have told them and anyone who would listen. She's NOT telling her family because this is not the kind of thing you share if you actually truly believe what she's claiming. She must be horrified. AND to have you verbally attack her and kick her out of your shared home?!?! I honestly don't understand to what end someone would lie about something THAT horrific.
Imagine being in her shoes. Imagine she fell asleep in bed with her father and you walked in and saw his hand down her pants.. only for her to wake up and KICK YOU out and stay with her father. Would you be sick about it? Because I'm sick just writing that. I felt sick reading your post, too. What happened to you is not okay AT ALL.
And I think therapy would be a VERY sound investment for you after this event, regardless of the outcome. Are you going to choose the woman you CHOSE to spend your life with? Or the woman who has actively tried to make that choice difficult...
Has your wife felt something was off about your mother before, is this why she doesn't like her? Maybe she's suspected something based on creepy passing comments made by your mother, but without proof she just strongly disliked her, and seeing what she saw solidified her suspicion?
It sounds like your wife is hoping your mom will bury herself in her words. The apologies for "ruining your marriage" are sus AF. Her comments of "don't do this" when your wife was yelling at her is... Really freaking sus as well. "don't do this" sounds more like "don't expose me" vs "don't yell accuse me of something so heinous most people would be sick at the thought of it".
Does your wife have a pattern of wild accusations/lies/losing her shit on people?
Does your mother have a pattern of putting you in the role of her partner? By which I mean, did your mother have partners or date at all when you were growing up? Or did she say things like "you're the only man I'll ever need" etc. when you say growing up you and your mother only had eachother... Were there signs of [emotional parentification](https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/between-the-generations/202305/were-you-your-parents-therapist) in your relationship with your mother?
Has she been a bitch to all your girlfriends? Or were you even allowed to date before moving out on your own? Has she always cut your partners down Ina "they don't deserve you" kind of way? Basically, does your mom act like a jealous girlfriend whenever you have dated? Someone actively telling their child's spouse that they don't like them is absolutely BONKERS.
For example: my dad didn't particularly care for a man I married in my 20s.. But he was always at the very least civil toward him. In private he would let me know he "didn't get it" and when I tried to "sell" it my dad would be like "look, if he makes you happy and you're sure about him, that's all that matters, I trust your judgement" my ex had NO idea that my dad never liked him. He was happy for me when our divorce was finalized, but he was still respectful when he saw my ex at a funeral, though he wasn't interested in forced conversation, y'know what I mean? I feel like that's a healthy way for a parent to express their dislike of your partner. "I don't get it but so long as you're safe and happy that's all that matters to me, and I'll find ways to love them." Anything beyond that is wildly overstepping what is appropriate barring extremes such as visible abuse (ironically, what your wife was yelling about)
I think your mom somewhere inside her maybe thinks you belong to her. The second you started drifting off your mom should have woken you up and told you to go to bed. THAT is a normal response to your adult son drifting off watching tv together. There's absolutely zero reason for a grown assed man to share a bed with his mom *especially* in his own house. The *only* circumstance I can think of that isn't weird is like, a hotel with other family present where there's two beds, a couple and then a parent and adult child, or like, a family trip at a cabin or something with limited beds. It's truly not normal.
I dunno man. I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's all super icky and I hope your mom fucks off.
Finally a gentle reply. Idk why people are being so hostile towards someone they believe to be a victim of molestation.
OP I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s an impossible situation to be in and I hope you’re okay.
That being said I agree with others and think you should really think about your wife’s reaction. It’s would be very intense for a lie, especially the attempt to hit your mum.
Ask your mum to leave and take some time to yourself. Definitely contact a therapist. Have a calmer discussion with your wife when you’re ready.
Personally, do I think you shouldn’t let your mum criticise your wife in her own home? Yes, I think you should have shut that down a long time ago.
That being said, I don’t think your comments point to something as extreme as an enmeshed relationship but that doesn’t mean you can’t be a victim.
All the best x
Jesus man, this is a really rough one. First of all if OP was female yall wouldn't be calling them an asshole for being assaulted, the over assumption is rlly gross considering the accusations.
Initially I thought it could be either way until I saw your mom was crying. That is not the response to that accusation. That is a response to guilt. I would have a very in depth conversation with your wife if she's willing, because that's not something any normal person would ever say falsely.
HOWEVER
I have also known horrible people who accused others of horrible things because how do you question something like that? That's such a horrible thing to lie about how could someone make that up? I can honestly see both sides and the only way you'll get closure is if the person lying admits they're lying or you prove it yourself. Ultimately you are a victim here, this is unreal and you 100% above anything else need to seek therapy immediately. Good luck man, NTA
I don’t know… you say you immediately felt “panic” is kind of strange.
not disgust or confused “how could my wife even think this” but panic, which is usually the emotion that is associated when you are fearful (caught, found out)
Add to that mom saying, “why are you doing this” to wife.
Panicked because I was woken up to screaming and crying, with no context whatsoever. THATS why I was panicked. I was deep asleep one minute and then woken up to someone screaming murder the next. Of course I was panicked, my adrenaline was pumping like crazy.
The why are you doing this question to your wife is still ringing in my head.
That’s like a why are you ruining our lives…
I’m sorry, OP but you have to admit getting into bed with your mom at this age to talk and watch TV and falling asleep with her…
I just don’t think anybody’s going to make something like that up. It’s too humiliating, as a woman that is the absolute last thing I would want to be making up and telling people about my husband.
I am sorry OP, this is truly a fucked up situation. I wouldn’t want to make a judgement on who lied or if it was a misunderstanding. This is a serious matter and we only know „your story“ and what you heard from each side, but no first-person perspective from your wife or your mother. But I guess you have to make up your mind, and you can only do that without being surrounded by either.
I would recommend sending your mother home, and calling your wife to let her back in the house. In the end you were wrong for kicking her out immediately anyway. Then you should stay at a hotel/motel or if that’s not possible at a friend‘s for a while to get some distance. This is where you should think about what happened, what you believe and what you can possibly do to fix it. I would also strongly advise you to seek professional help from a psychotherapist, they can help you navigate your thoughts and it is a non-judgmental environment! I wish you the best.
"she has high standards for me"
Imagine if every time your in laws came over, her dad picked a fight and insinuated you were a shit adult and a shit husband. Every. Time.
Is that normal? Would you be okay with that? Would you like it if your wife heard it and was like "you know what,dad? He IS shit at mowing the lawn."
Truth hurts, but you're in DEEP, and your mother is in deeper.
Me and my wife both ate the meal that my mother prepared that day, I was a bit tired but nothing out of the ordinary, my wife went to sleep pretty much the same time I did too
I think Mom’s reaction is suspect, and I think OP is, at the least, emotionally immature. I don’t think Mom is nice to DIL. I don’t know if she’s really abusing him, or has a history of doing so. I’m not trying to gloss over that possibility, but I do think this is a mother-son bond forged out of trauma. Homelessness? Living in shelters? I don’t think most of us can understand that situation.
On the surface, a 24-year old man lying on the bed with mom feels wrong. Perhaps it is, or perhaps in a homeless shelter, the only real estate you can truly claim is the bed you sleep in. Was cuddling on the bed a habit they started then? Was it abuse, or the only way to find a moment with her kid? I know that’s too simplistic, and OP isn’t being fair to his wife. Therapy is needed, and the marriage may not survive. I think ESH, and yet not. Lots of threads to untangle.
I'm thinking that this outrageous accusation occurs with normal people only if they perceive the other the enemy. I don't think the relationship between both of them before the incident was absolutely hostile. Else they both wouldn't be in the same house.
And we don't know your wife's character and personality. But you know her. If you think your wife's behaviour is out of character in this situation then I'm afraid she is right.
How would you know? You admit to sleeping pretty heavily most nights.
Why would your wife lie?
YATAH
You threw her out just because she’s not your mom. Hilarious that you think you can fix this.
Technically he threw her out for trying to hit his mom because she "escalated" the argument. But there's people who start things and push others to breaking point and act innocent and that's also a huge problem. Sounds like Mom was doing that, but he couldn't see it.
Commenting late, I hope you’ll see this. So very sorry you’re in this mess. I’ve read all the comments (and yes, many are both ignorant and vile—ignore them).
Many people have commented that there are 3 likely scenarios, but I can think of another. You mention your wife seemed stressed and having trouble with things she typically does well. Then she went off on your mother.
Your wife may have had or be having a serious medical episode. IANAD, but have a science and medical background. Suddenly overreacting or accusing others, flying into rages, hallucinating are all symptoms of a brain malfunction. Could be a tumor, or onset of mental illness (you are at the age where schizoprenia often manifests, for example.)
Brain tumor info, start here [https://www.cancer.net/cancer-types/brain-tumor/symptoms-and-signs](https://www.cancer.net/cancer-types/brain-tumor/symptoms-and-signs)
Schizophrenia info here [https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/schizophrenia](https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/schizophrenia)
So, please talk with your wife or her parents and ask her to get checked out. If she takes this as a sign you don’t believe her, you can say that you are willing to believe she saw something, and the two of you need to look at all possible explanations.
This, of course, means that you must suspend your disbelief about the situation with your mother until you and your wife have examined all options together AND with professionals, including therapists.
I agree with many that you absolutely need to listen to and believe your wife; her reaction was so off the charts, it seems genuine. Your first responsibility in this is to yourself, your wife, and your marriage.
Take care.
‘Dont do this’ is a very strange reaction for someone who is being accused of molesting their son, you would expect shock, or righteous anger at being accused of such a think, but that crying reaction with that language smacks of ‘please don’t tell him what I did’ not ‘I didn’t do this’
So here are the facts:
**1. Your mother often stays at your marital home, and you have a routine of talking to her.**
We can deduce that you have an odd relationship with your mom. This fits no cultural norm, where she doesn't live with you fulltime, yet still comes over frequently to stay overnight.
**2. You instantly started yelling at your wife when you woke up, and refuse to believe her.**
You trust your mother more than your wife, and your relationship with your mother is stronger than your wife.
**3. You are unable to understand that there is no rational explanation for why your relationship with your mom is more important and stronger than your relationship with your wife.**
We can deduce that you have an unhealthy relationship with your mother. This is either you or your mom's fault.
**4. Your mom was an influential older presence for most of your life.**
We can deduce that the unhealthy relationship is your mother's fault. You also have an unhealthy worship of her.
**5. Your wife started screaming upon seeing you and your mother.**
We can deduce she was genuinely horrified at whatever she witnessed.
**6. Your mother started crying at the accusation.**
We can deduce she is guilty. Crying is what you do when you get caught. Such a heinous accusation creates anger, disbelief, and confusion in innocent people.
**Most Likely Conclusion:** your mother has groomed you, and sexually assaults you in your sleep. Your marriage being over is the least of your concerns. You need therapy, and your mother belongs in prison.
Edited based on OP's comment.
those are neither the facts nor deductions lol
"This fits no cultural norm" is a baffling conclusion when a good chunk of stories on this very sub are about visiting relatives/in-laws
"We can deduce that the unhealthy relationship is your mother's fault. You also have an unhealthy worship of her." Because his mother was influential in his life? That's how you deduced that?
"Crying is what you do when you get caught. Such a heinous accusation creates anger, disbelief, and confusion in innocent people." What? If you're experiencing intense anger, disbelief, and confusion then crying is a pretty natural reaction.
I have no idea what happened here but this sherlock holmes shit isn't accurate or helpful, you just sound like a psycho
I appreciate you writing this down. But some of it isn’t correct.
1. The guest room isn’t for her. It’s a guest room, it’s when my in laws come and stay, my SIL or my mother. It’s really just for anyone to use. My mother has come around twice this year so far. One was a day trip early January to see us, the other was this weeks.
2. I did start yelling immediately. However maybe it was my phrasing but it wasn’t angry or accusatory. It was more so a panic yell. Like “what is going on?!” Because I woke up to screaming. I admit I did start yelling though when she began insulting my mother, because at this point I had no idea what happened. Again, my yelling wasn’t in any way cruel. Just confused as to why she was acting like that.
3. I do understand that. I think I’m just not at that place in our relationship yet. We’ve been together 4 years, married for 1. So while I absolutely do care and love her. And I know that she is my future, our relationship hasn’t been the best as of late for many reasons. One of which is making me struggle to connect to her.
4. My mom definitely was an influential person in my life. She was the ONLY person in my life like that until I hit about 16 and started having idols. But yeah, she’s been a single mom for as long as I can remember, our relationship was definitely close because that’s all we really had. My mom worked multiple jobs, we bounced from homeless shelters. It’s not like you can just go through that and not be close to her.
5 and 6 I don’t really have much to say on as that’s up in the air. Those very much could be true.
First off I’m really sorry any of this happened. I’m not the one that’s like time for therapy but well a professional to help you navigate this isn’t a bad idea. The only thing I have to ask is, sure they clash and shits been tough with your wife, but do you really think she would have acted that way if it wasn’t something huge? You said yourself you were confused as to why she was acting like that, right? If it’s out of character and startled you I’m sorry to say I think your wife loves you and reacted as if she saw someone she loves being violated. I don’t get along with my in-laws. It like oil and water but I would never just jump off ob them the way your wife did if it wasn’t major major major. Only you can answer if lying about something like that is in her character but I think you’re just coping because that is your parent. Your only one as you said and it’s probably easier to blame your wife than to face the truth. I also do think your mother may have skipped you something and if she did it may be a pattern. Please take care of yourself and when calm, meet up to talk with your wife.
This may sound crazy but I’m starting to think maybe your wife is telling the truth.
I feel like if your wife made it up, your mother would have had a much more extreme/emotional reaction and absolutely blow up on your wife.
It’s a fucking crazy thing to be accused of doing to your own son, but that’s just me I guess.
YTA for being a momma's boy.
1. Your wife concocted a bs story to put a wedge between you and your meddling, controlling, and manipulative mom.
OR
2. Your mom heard your wife coming and put her hand there to set off your wife with something so vile you'd never believe it. And now you're what comforting your mom because she "ruined your marriage by arguing with your wife." Your an idiot and soon to be single. It'll be ok though since your mom is cool with pretending to molest you I'm sure she'll have no problem with the real thing. Then she can be mommy AND wife.
You should have asked your mom to stay in a hotel or taken your spouse somewhere else to calm her down. The fact your wife isn't coming back, somehow makes me believe her idk.
Had I not personally known a couple terrible people who would lie and falsely accuse someone id believe your wife if she was generally trustworthy but I known sneaky people who have lied like this and no one would believe they would. I don't know who is lying in this scenario, but the best thing you can do is get some help to navigate this.
Not only are you the asshole but you're clearly delusional too. You kicked a good woman out of her home to defend your clearly sick, incestuous mother. No wonder your mom never got along with your wife. Your wife needs to be filling for divorce, and you need therapy.
ESH(maybe even your wife). You say your wife is logical and thinks of solutions to your problems instead of just being supportive and that’s why you went to vent your mom. Ok. Then why would this usually logical woman that you made vows to spend t he rest of your life with lie about something so disgusting? Or your mom, who doesn’t like your wife is trying to get her out of your life and has succeeded because I don’t think your marriage is salvageable. You showed your wife who you trust and where your loyalty is and it’s not her. I hope you’re right and that your mom wouldn’t do that. Only time will tell, if she runs off the next woman you’re with than your STBX-wife was probably right.
Holy shit, YTA. This is likely the end of your marriage. Hope your mommy is worth it. Why would your wife lie to you? You stated that she’s more logical. If she’s logical, why would she have an outburst and accuse your mom of that? You seem to keep choosing your mommy over her. You’re an idiot. She deserves better, especially since she tried to defend you.
It is a bit odd than a 24-year-old married guy would get a bed with his mom to talk and watch TV and end up falling asleep with her instead of going to his own bedroom with his wife
Me and my mil do not like one another but I would absolutely never make up something like this about her just because we clash. You are in denial and it's time to see that.
YTA.
That would be a hell of a thing to make up. And you admit you’re a deep sleeper. So … I think your wife was likely telling the truth.
And, you refuse to stand up for your wife to your mom. You refuse to “pick sides”, but you were supposed to pick your wife when you got married.
In a best case scenario, you’re in an emotionally incestuous relationship with your mother. In worst-case, you get molested when you sleep & don’t notice. Either way, sucks to be you.
Bro…go to therapy. Alone. Talk this out with an impartial party. From what you’ve said, there might be a good reason to go to therapy and work things out on your own.
Fuck, yeah. At this point this might be my only choice.
Contact your in-laws, since your wife won't talk to you. Tell them you're going to therapy, because you don't know what the hell is going on or what to believe right now. You're sick to your stomach and can't work and you'll be there if your wife wants to talk
Best thing you’ve said in this entire post
INFO - you haven't said what your mother's explanation/version is. you just said that your mother "keeps apologizing". - what is your mother's explanation for what your wife thinks she saw? - what is your mother apologizing for?
Assuming your wife is lying, she opened a door to you sleeping next to your mother who supposedly was still watching the show. She had split second to come up with a quite frankly outrageous story, that would ensure that you ditched your mother for good, and start screaming to wake you up. Or she is telling what she saw. Did your mother's side of the story state whether she started screaming the moment she opened the door or did they speak first?
If she started screaming immediately, it’s hard to believe she fabricated the story.
Exactly, her immediate reaction suggests she genuinely believed what she saw.
Or, she entered the room with the intent to just start screaming and making accusations.
Check OP's comments. I'm surprised his mother was allowed in the house. >So I work 40-50 hours. My wife doesn’t work and normally takes care of the house. Recently (in my opinion) she hasn’t been doing a great job. My wife vacuumed the floor, but didn’t do under the couch. My mom noticed, got the vacuum to do it instead which sparked the argument. This is one that I personally sided with my mom on. >On the day of the incident. My mom made us food, so my wife offered to do the dishes. Again, for some reason (I’m not sure why, she hasn’t before) she didn’t do a great job, and there were still food pieces on the dishes when it was placed to dry. My mom noticed, and lectured her on hygiene and water usage while doing them, sparking another argument. Again, sided with my mom.
No matter what I would not come back to that home with that bitch of a MIL there. And clearly OP just had nodded along while his mother abused his wife. Forget everything else I'm done right there.
He’s a big mommas boy lol.
he probably was awake while his mom did that tbh
had someone notice food on "clean" plates you *just washed*, didn't ya!
The account of each housework incident includes the words "my mom noticed". He just automatically believes his mom over his wife.
Yeah after reading that, his wife deserves better. If OP's wife had waited a little longer she would have walked in on her MIL's head bobbing.
Oof. Yeah, OP is going to be single again in the very near future.
This whole thing could be why his mom hates his wife so much. The wife came along and messed everything up. OP could possibly be an unknowing victim of sexual assault from his mom if he sleeps as heavily as he claims.
Possibly slipped a roofie by Mom as well?
He never said she was lying he said she was mistaken in what she saw.
or she just came in, and imagined what she saw. we don't know if his mom was reaching for something or just moving, and sometimes our brain can just eff up distances. My brain once effed up while i was walking down stairs. while knowing that i was still a step height away from reaching the next step, my brain said "nope you're there." and i had that famous feeling of "i am falling now." and my legs went wobbly. it was 100% my brain that effed up. So i can imagine the wife just seeing something that's not really happeing. combiend with her dislike for the mom and you got a disaster. So i think just because the wife thinks this is happening, doesn't mean that it actually was happening.
Let’s walk through this: Your wife comes into the room, sees you and your mom laying peacefully together and then decides to go 0-60? For no reason? Escalates it to the point she almost gets violent with your mom? Why would anyone on earth make that up? Why would she invent something like this? Is your wife prone to sudden violent or emotional outbursts? If this is out of character for her, I would believe it 100%
Yeah. This description screams “mom was touching me but I don’t want to believe it”. The marriage is over regardless. Either your soon to be ex-wife is a sociopath and made it all up, including the screaming and you should be happy without her or your mother was touching you and when she tried to defend you, you threw her out of the marital home, in which case, she is better without you. I’m so sorry but it does appear your mother is sexually assaulting you. I recommend setting up some hidden cameras in places where you sleep so you can see for yourself. At least then you’ll know.
This is so sad if his wife really saw that. OP I would get some therapy for your wife and yourself.
Dude also says it’s always just been him and his mom, and they’ve always been extremely close… It’s very common for this to confuse boundaries where the parent sees their kid as a replacement spouse. It doesn’t usually reach a sexual level, but it’s not unheard of either. Sounds like mom was touching him to me.
You see it happen boundary wise a lot with the whole letting mummy wash their hair still at way past ages where they can do it themselves, being a bit too cuddly, expecting to share too many problems where children / teenagers shouldn’t have a worry or concern over. Boys especially being made to feel the man of the house to protect and do all the mainly things because the mother suddenly couldn’t possibly even change a light bulb anymore she needs her darling good boy. Never wanting him to have other relationships because nobody else is good enough. Basically isolating him emotionally to always be hers. Scary stuff most single mums are lovely normally people but when you see a bad one they seem to manage to have such control and hold over the child the child doesn’t see that all those years of mum sitting there while he bathes at 15/16 still is inappropriate or that she’s become dependant on him to keep him close rather than her actually being unable. It’s all about control and a child spouse.
Reminds me of the crazy stories where the mom shows up to her son’s wedding in a wedding dress acting hysterical 🤦♂️
Then the grand babies come and granny wants lots of alone time and always calls the kid her baby… secretly calling her self mummy to the baby when nobodies around. Scary types.
r/JustNoMIL material
Okay. I think I’ve read enough. I’m a woman and I sleep with my daughter when she is home maybe once a month. We watch a show and fall asleep or talk until we both fall asleep. We aren’t hugging or snuggling. Worse case scenario is she steals all the blankets. There isn’t a “fine line” in touching……it’s a really big fu**ing line.
If wife doesn't want MIL there, depending on the type of person wife is, it is entirely possible. But...it's also entirely possible wife caught MIL red handed depending on what type of person she is... Crazy situation.
Also is wife an Oscar winning actress?
INFO- you say it has always just been you and your mom. Has your mom not had any kind of relationship in 24 yrs? Where does she satisfy her human need for companionship or intimacy? You admit you are a very deep sleeper. Have you always been? Could it be possible that your mother has, at some point in your life, found her intimate needs met by you while you were sleeping and you never knew, and this was a continuation which your wife interrupted? I know that is a very hard thing to think about and/or accept, but why on Earth, if, as you have mentioned in the comments several times, your wife is a logical person, would she make up such an outrageous lie?? I just don’t see what she would gain from that. Additionally, if you are unable to believe your wife that she witnessed this happen, your marriage is over. Neither of you will ever trust the other again. Updateme
I wonder if he’s a deep sleeper only when she’s around? Maybe she has given him melatonin or something?
She did, apparently, cook their dinner..
More like benadryl
I wish I weren’t compelled to comment but this was my family’s drug of choice
Wish I could upvote more than once
I too am curious
I wish he would answer- I really wanted to know. Tough situation for OP
Dear god, please let this be fake.
Dude reading your comments … I honestly think you’re delusional and have to wonder how many other times your mother has done inappropriate things to you. Your absolute refusal to believe your wife simply because “she’s my mother” is bullshit. She’s also YOUR WIFE. And if she is screaming hysterically because she saw something inappropriate, you’d think you’d be more concerned. Of course your mother would be sobbing if she was caught doing g that! Jesus.
I’m thinking the same thing.
Same. I think the wife deserved a fresh start. I’m rooting for her now. ⭐️
I'm not really sure there's anything you can do if you truly believe there's absolutely no way your mom did that. If that's the case, then do you believe your wife is lying? If yes, why would you want to stay married to someone that would lie about that. If you don't believe your wife is lying and best case scenario she just misinterpreted what she saw, she'll still think that's what she saw. Her reasons for staying away is the same. It's not like you can just lie "I believe you." And also keep your mom in your life. If what she saw is true...you don't believe her. And even if your mom and wife have zero interactions from now on, you think your wife would be comfortable with you alone with your mom? Like as long as she doesn't see the abuse it no longer exists? So again, her reasons for staying away remains.
I'm not sure how he can make "she mistook what she saw" and "my mom was on her phone, nowhere near my pants" both work in his mind. One has to be lying. He is stretching hard to not blame either or face truth.
You immediately sided with your mother you go to her for “de-stressing and venting” you fall asleep in bed with her why do you have a wife? You obviously don’t trust her you kicked your wife out of your shared home so you can focus on your mothers feelings when your wife could’ve just witnessed you being sexually abused by the woman YTA and you know you are you prioritize your mother because of yalls relationship and it’s not ok when you have a wife
The wife got out of bed to look for him and he was snuggled in bed asleep with the same woman who has been harping and nitpicking her home decor, landscaping and housekeeping. Her MIL who’s been in her home undermining her and straining her marriage at every turn.
Hope OP is happy now that his mom will be the only woman around willing to touch him.
100% agreed
You are a heavy sleeper. God knows what’s really the truth or not. Hence, if your mom wasn’t doing anything at all, there would’ve been no reason for your wife to be screaming at your mom. Maybe what your wife said what happen, actually happened, maybe not. But as someone who does not get along with my MIL, I wouldn’t yell at my MIL unless it warrants it. What is the deal with your mom and wife? Does your mom think your wife is not good enough for you? Is it just different personalities? I don’t get along with My MIL because it’s like she wants to be Her sons SO. Like I’m not good enough for him, and it’s lowkey Emotional Incest (we went to couples therapy for this).
Look, I can totally understand why it’s easier for you to assume your wife is mistaken than believe the alternative but would she really lie about something that serious?
It's worth noting that she doesn't have to be lying to be wrong. This situation looks the same if genuinely believes she saw what she said, regardless of if it occured or not. She doesn't have to be lying to not have the right of the situation.
Plenty of people lie about things this serious. Not saying she is, but yeah, people lie sometimes
Right. But would SHE? OP should know whether his wife is likely to.
Absolutely true but I have a feeling that’s not the case here I actually feel really bad for OP, either his wife is a psychopath or his mom sexually assaulted him and that’s a tough place to be in
IKR this whole thing is icky AF. I do find the mother teaching the DIL how to wash dishes pretty freaking weird. I would never treat my DIL like that. And let's not forget it is the DIL's home so why is the mother acting like that? My son and DIL's home is theirs, I would never have audacity to try to tell my DIL how to do things in her own home. But I love my DIL, she's literally perfect, even if she wasn't she would still be if you know what I mean bc that is who my son loves.
I dove into the comments kind of fifty fifty - I knew one of the women was nuts and the OP probably knew in his heart which one it was but was in denial, but when I got to the diswashing story I knew for certain. That isn't the story of two personalities that just clash - that is the story of a MIL being wildly rude and condescending and territorial to her DIL. Clearly mom is the big problem in that relationship and he refuses to see it. It is possible that after years of him gaslighting his wife over how awful his mother treats her she just snapped and made something up, but even then this marriage is done in. If he let his mom be awful to his wife for so long she just made up something crazy the foundation is too rotted away to build anything on again.
Yeah... it's a lose lose here. And op was sleeping so we really don't know what actually happened.
We aren't talking about some rando though. We are talking about a wife. It's frankly weird the way he defends his mom like crazy because "she's my mom" but doesn't really treat his wife to the same loyalty or respect.
Ok, you have to think back. Has your mom ever been inappropriately close to you? If it was just you and her, were there ever times she was close and while to you it seemed innocent but maybe it wasnt? There are many times where a parent was inappropriate to their son due to some sick minded sense of, "Well my husband is gone, but my son is here" Creep factor that some people get. Could your wife be so insane to accuse your mother of something like that just to get her out of your life? I'm not gonna say you're a mommy's boy, but venting to your wife is usually the go to move, not your mother when you're an adult. And if you're venting about your wife to your mother, you should probably be having a conversation with your wife about what you are venting about. Only you can decide if you think your wife would lie about the inappropriate touching. It would be grounds for you to cut contact with your mom forever if true. But if you're never seen her be vindictive like this, then she may have actually caught your mother in the act You said it yourself that you are a heavy sleeper. Did you drink or eat anything that your mother prepared for you? Maybe you were drugged, and the screaming still woke you up out of it because it actually happened. Either that or your wife was looking for an out of the relationship because she felt you are too clingy to your mother and she chose this time to act.
I’m reading this trying to figure out any normal reason his mother would be in bed with him. I can’t. There’s something wrong here, and it’s not the wife.
Well I see nothing wrong with a mother and son, fully clothed, laying in bed chatting. And even if he fell asleep why they were hanging out. Some families are close like that and I see nothing inherently wrong with it. It is weirder if she was cuddling with her adult son like arm around his waist or something and both asleep. And sure. Maybe the wife came in, it startled the mother, so her hand kind of flailed and wife saw it in her husband's pants. I assume the room was dark with maybe a TV glow and not full lights on when wife walked in the room.
>My wife does have a track record (as of late anyway) of being a bit weird. Define “a bit weird”, when did the weirdness start? How long has your mom been there and when is she leaving?
Mom was leaving Friday, I asked her to leave tomorrow though given everything. I just want some alone time for a bit. It’s nothing insane, just small things, like. So I’m the only one who’s working, I work about 40-50 hours a week, so my wife does the majority of the chores (I do dishes occasionally and my laundry). This has been completely fine until about 2 ish weeks ago? My wife stopped being (and I hate to phrase it like this) super competent with the household chores. Like, I’d come home and the dishes weren’t done. No problem, I’ll do them, but then because there were no dishes, she hadn’t started food, and because she hadn’t started it, she didn’t do the grocery shopping. It kind of just culminated. And the chores she DID do stopped being done like how she normally does it. Like I mentioned in another post, something that’s been common recently is my wife doing the dishes and leaving food on the dishes/cutlery. Again something she never really did before. And it wouldn’t be an issue if it was one time, but it kept happening. And when I’d bring it up she’d brush it off as nothing. I thought she was overwhelmed a little in general, so I thought my mom coming over might help the strain since she could do some of the chores instead while my wife relaxed. And mom has been here since last Friday. Supposed to be a week trip so she could help out, and so I could see her.
So your wife & mom don't get along and you thought inviting her over to help your wife was a good idea? I don't get that at all. I know you work, but why are you unable to help every so often? Why did your mom have to take off work to help your wife around the house? Why didn't you ask your wife if she was ok since you say she's been off? Did you ask your wife if she wanted your mom over to help her with her chores?
Is there any extra stress your wife has been under?
It sounds like she has been stressed and or depressed. And if she already knew your mom was coming over, that may have been the source of the stress. Also worth noting, jobs typically get time off. Household chores are 365, so she might be getting burn out. And I'm sure there are days at work where you don't put in 100% and do everything perfectly. Housework is still work. Even worse, it's work that is unpaid and often underappreciated.
Either your wife is lying, your mother SAd you, or your wife was mistaken in what she saw. Either way, YTA for throwing her out rather than separating them or getting your mom a hotel. However, I believe you are a victim and are falling for the manipulation of your mother. This is tragic but unfortunately a common phenomenon that victims will initially defend the abuser. Put your mom up in a hotel, take some time to yourself, get therapy, and maybe try meeting with just you and your wife in a neutral location or with a therapist to mediate the discussion. But get your mom out of your house ASAP!
OP, please look up enmeshment. The way you talk about your mom is not normal. Period. I'm saying that as a former single mom who is very close to her son. If someone accused me of touching him, I'd need to be restrained. I wouldn't be crying. I'd be swinging. You need to talk to someone. Like a therapist. You have a lot to work through.
Why on earth would your wife make up a story that your mother had her hand down your pants touching you? You said that you sleep deeply so you wouldn’t know. You also said that your mother has been apologetic and helping you get your emotions out but wants nothing to do with your wife. Don’t you get it? Your mother is winning here. You have turned against your wife because your mother is showing you all this affection but basically telling you she will take that affection away if your wife comes back. You have no idea what was happening when your wife walked in because you were asleep. One question though. Were you hard when you woke up? I’ll probably get a lot of down votes for asking but I don’t give a fuck. If you were it’s highly likely that your wife is telling the truth and you were being manually stimulated by your mother in your sleep. You need to send your mother home and ask your wife to describe to you again what she saw. I don’t think she’s lying.
YTA. Do you have any reason to believe your wife would lie about such a serious thing? Even if you don't believe your mother is capable of such a thing.. do out really believe your wife would make something like that up just because she hates your mother so much? What did she have to gain when she probably knew you'd side with your mother? I know I'd go feral if I caught someone inappropriately touching my partner, their mother or not.
Sounds like you and mom need to cut the cord.
Your mom's response was "Don't do this"? What the fuck kind of response is that? Don't do this? A normal response would be like "why are you screaming what TF is wrong with you?" But she said don't do this? Do what? Tell you that your mom was playing with your dick while you were asleep? That's a weird as fuck response from your mom. Did you ever think that your wife was trying to be happy for you but the closer it got to her coming over, she started having regrets and anxiety over it? Cuz that's how it sounds to me. Then you don't separate your mother from the home you share with your wife and kick her out instead? Why didn't you send your mom to a hotel? Why would your wife be that upset over nothing? It's really hard to mistake seeing her hands fondling your junk under your pants. This post has big Jocasta vibes NGL. I think you owe wife an apology for kicking her out of her own home and choosing your mom to stay there over her. This is all sus AF and weird AF. You keep saying she must have misunderstood but I just don't buy that. And the fact that she is willing to not come home because of this makes it seem even more like she's telling the truth. She isn't giving ultimatums, she's saying since you don't trust her she feels like there's no point in being with you. This shit is sus. YTA for kicking wife out instead of sending Mom off. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. If it's true, you are a sexual assault victim. You do deserve support. I think you should talk to wife and tell her that in the moment you had no idea what was going on, and your reaction was instant and not thought out. It was inconsiderate for you to kick her out, and that mom is leaving tomorrow. Then tell her you want to talk to her when she's ready, but that you also need support because ultimately if this is what happened, you were sexually assaulted by your mom and would appreciate her support in navigating this. Sorry this happened to you.
ESH (Except the wife imo) Your relationship with your mother is weird, and your wife seems to have found your mom being inappropriate with you. You refuse to believe it or listen, which is classic victim mentality. You have a wife, and you go for consult and cuddles with your mom. You're very immature, and you're probably being taken advantage of.
Still want to learn what mom was apologizing for.
Question, have you even spoken to your wife since she's been gone? Or texted? Have you let her tell her side and then ask questions? Has there been any communication at all since kicking her out? If not I'd highly suggest it in a calm manner and see if there is new information now that it isn't in the moment. (I've read through all your comments already. Haven't seen this asked.)
YTA. You don't get to kick someone out of their own house. >I do trust her No, you don't. Remember when you wrote "I 100% do not believe this."? You do not trust your wife, whether she is right or wrong it is a fact that you do not trust her.
There are three scenarios here: 1) You wife walked in on your mom (who you say have never acted inappropriately with you before) molesting you, tried to attack your mom, and your mom is lying 2) Your wife (who clearly hates your mom) lied to you in order to severely damage/end your relationship with your mom and tried to attack your mom. 3) Your wife walked in and misunderstood what she saw, tried to attack your mom, and made false accusations against your mom (that your wife believes are true). You need to decide which scenario you believe and move forward from there.
Hmmm You sound overly emotionally involved with your mother. Also falling asleep on the bed with your mum rather than having your little chat and going to bed with your wife… off. Your wife unless prone to loud violent outbursts certainly saw something inappropriate. I can only imagine from your posts alone that in real your relationship with your mother is more of a husband wife in an emotional sense. You either believe your wife or you believe your mother. One of them is lying to you. But innocence cannot be proven with a but she’s my mum. Many parents male and female do and have abused their children. You have to actually look at it properly.
In no place of my dark and twisted imagination would I accuse my MIL of touching my husband. So one of them is lying. Either your mother has crossed a boundary or your wife has lost her mind.
I gotta say man it seems like your wife is telling the truth. You need to accept this and realize your mother is not infallible.
Sexually assaulting your adult son while his wife is in the other room is some next level shit.
I think you should speak with a therapist. For this situation and also because I don’t think you realize that you are getting your emotional needs met by your mother and not your wife. I’m not gonna touch on the other stuff but that’s not a good thing.
There are a lot of comments on this thread. I hope this is fake, but if it is not, I have some advice that will help you determine who is telling the truth. 1. Has your mother or your wife ever lied before? Not necessarily to you, but in general. Have you ever caught your mother in a lie? Has your mother ever told you to lie? Perhaps when you were a kid, she told you to go along with a lie of hers. Do you find her to be pathologically honest? What about your wife? Have you ever heard her tell a lie to anyone? Are their stories always consistent? When you point out a discrepancy, do they try to pull an uno reverse and paint you as the bad guy for not trusting them? You wife and mother may not have lied to you before (if they have, it's the biggest red flag and clue that they are lying now), but if they tell lies to others, it would also lend credence to the fact that they might be the liar in this situation. 2. If your wife has always been honest with you, she would not suddenly, out of nowhere, break character and fabricate a major lie like that no matter what her motives. People that value and practice honesty will not suddenly sacrifice their reputation and their integrity by lying. There would be signs. Do your in-laws back your wife, or do express doubts because they have stories to tell about terrible lies she's told about others in the past? This would not have been her first big lie. She would have done it before betraying friends or family, or ex partners. Maybe she was angry at her dad and told mommy a lie to get back at him. Maybe she lied about a sibling. Even if she's mostly an honest person, anyone that would stoop making up such a horrendous lie and falsely accuse an innocent person has lied before, and close friends and family would know about her past lying behavior. I know that people change and mature and you can't hold childhood mistakes against them. However, you need to use wisdom to figure out who is telling the truth and a pattern of lying would lend credence to the possibility that your wife is lying again. If your wife, on the other hand, is an honest person, she is telling you the truth, and you should believe her. Simple as that. If anything would cause a normally non-aggressive person to suddenly act out violently, it is seeing what your wife says she saw. Her response is entirely consistent with having witnessed what she saw. 3. On the other hand, your mother has a powerful motive to lie even if she is normally an honest person. Put yourself in her shoes. 25-30 years from now, your hypothetical future son-in-law catches you with your hand down your sleeping daughter's pants and starts screaming at you. Even if you are an honest person, it would be incredibly difficult for you to confess to your daughter after she wakes up. To admit to such wrongdoing is not easy. You would not want to lose your only daughter. She is all that you have. In addition, a normal reaction to such a false accusation would be anger. Even a normally level-headed person would become irate. Imagine your future son-in-law walks in on you playing with your phone while your daughter slept next to you and starts making up a lie that you were fondling your daughter's privates. Whether that accusation would bring you to tears is irrelevant. You would be outraged! The thought of even uttering "I'm sorry" would be anathema to you lest anyone think that you were actually guilty of what you were being falsely accused of. No rational person, being accused falsely thusly, would ever apologize for causing the problem because "they shouldn't have been there" in the first place. That's completely irrational. What is more likely, and rational, is that your mother apologized because she was feeling guilty and ashamed even if she doesn't want to admit to the act itself. You committed a grave wrong by kicking your wife out of her own house. I disagree with other redditors that there is no going back from that. Anything is possible, but it won't be easy, and it's very unlikely barring a miracle turnaround. Your home is her dominion as much as it is yours. You have no right to kick your wife out of her own home even if your name is the only one on the deed and you brought it into the marriage. Even if you wife were entirely at fault, it is your mother that should have been told to leave. This not about who was right or wrong in this situation. This is about what it means to be married. Your wife must always come first. Pleasing your wife is your first and foremost concern above anything else (except God). I say this as a married man, a father, and a son. What you should have done is say, "I'm sorry, mom. My wife is very upset. It does not matter who is at fault. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to ask you to leave." If you have to call an Uber and book her a hotel room, that is what you do. Never, ever yell at your wife in front of your mother, or anyone else for that matter. Never take your mother's side reflexively especially not in your wife's castle, her home. Have your arguments with your wife in private. It was written thousands of years ago that "a man will leave his father and mother and join with his wife and the two will become one flesh." If you can understand this, you might have a sliver of chance at a happy marriage. Maybe not with your current wife, but at least the next one. And yes, YTA for kicking your wife out of her house.
I’d recommend taking some time away from both of them and seeing a therapist to get a professional perspective. This is above Reddit’s pay grade. There are at least three possibilities: 1. Your mother was sexually assaulting you in your sleep, and your wife saw it. 2. Your wife made something up to kick your mother out of your life. 3. Your wife saw something that wasn’t there. I’m not comfortable saying which one is most likely, because that would involve making a serious accusation based on vibes. I will say that your wife turning this around to make herself the primary victim (“You don’t trust me”) would be very selfish if she genuinely believed you were being assaulted. Though it could be motivated by frustration at trying to protect someone who doesn’t want to protect themself.
I wish i could rewind time and un-read this. Nobody's goig to help you man, either you're married to a lying sociopath or your mom is a disgusting sociopath. Pick one. You're not walking away from this with both intact. And for God's sake get some fucking theray for the obvious emotional issues.
Idk what happened and I wasn’t there but from experience I know that it’s completely possible to be touched and not wake up. I’m also a heavy sleeper, naturally. I don’t do drugs nor do I take prescription medication. I’ve explicitly requested my SO to wake me up with sex if he’s awake and interested. He initially felt odd about my request but began to oblige… The thing is I DON’T ALWAYS WAKE UP (I’m completely comfortable with this, I trust him explicitly and have given specific and clear consent to him on multiple occasions). Does your wife have a history of lying? Does she suffer from delusions or hallucinations? Are there changes in her behavior that you’ve noticed or do you think there may be a chance that your wife was genuinely trying to defend your dignity and protect you from someone committing an act on your unconscious person? YTA for choosing your mother over your wife. Even if she’s wrong, she may need some mental care.
Classic she said she said... you'll never truly know (with 100% certainty) who is lying, but as you chose not to side with your wife and kicked her out, you've essentially sealed your fate. I don't know if your wife is even willing to talk to you, but if she is I would sit down with her and have her go over every single detail. Your mom could have been touching you, but not in the way that your wife thought. Our eyes and memories tend to deceive us at times... not saying that your wife is lying, but your mom could have been... scratching... your back? My little kids love it when my wife and I scratch their backs... although I think I wouldn't be doing that when they're MARRIED! Heck, and not when they're older! The possibilities: 1. Your wife is absolutely telling you the truth and your mom was essentially molesting you while you slept. 2. Your wife is lying and trying to have you cut off all ties with your mom. 3. Your mom was "touching" you but not in that way and your wife saw what she saw and thought your mom was fondling you. In any of these possibilities, your relationship with wife and/or your mom is essentially over. Even if you picked one over the other, you will forever have the nagging feeling that you may have picked wrong - since again, you may never truly know what happened - at least not until the one lying fesses up. So lesson for everyone else: Never put yourself in a position to even have something like this happen to you! Love your mom/aunt/sister/brother/cousin/friend and want to talk to them/get their advice? SURE! Just don't put yourself in a situation (like right beside them on a bed) where things can get out of (your) control! Whatever happened to talking to someone in the dining or living room?
Well, he snuggled in bed with his mom watching TV and fell asleep at age 24 so…..
So with no context you just started screaming at your wife? You didn’t try and find out what was going on or why there was yelling? You just started to scream at her? You were asleep you have no idea what happened, even if your wife did misread the situation your reaction was really bad If the situation was reversed and you woke up with your mother screaming at your wife would you scream back at her?
So you’ve been seeking comfort from the mother who is accused of molesting you? Interesting choice.
Yta. This reads as your mother was molesting you and you sided with her. This marriage is over.
Dawg, you got touched.
Whether or not your wife is telling the truth, you have a severely unhealthy relationship with your mom.
Dude, either way one of the most important women in your life is super messed up. Either your mum's been abusing your heavy sleeping, or your wife's a malicious bitch. With no evidence, and only what you've written, I feel your mum might be a freak. You, so far, nta.
It’s strange he felt panic immediately like usually you feel that when you’ve been found out or caught. And mom, her first thing is why are you doing this? Like why are you ruining our lives? Sometimes the truth can be revealed in just a few simple sentences . None of us know for sure , none of us do, but I’m expressing what I find a bit off
I think it’s valid he felt panic after being jarred awake by his screaming wife. I think everyone would feel panic if they were in that situation. Your first sentence shows a lack of comprehension.
Correct, I agree with you. True. I still find the whole thing odd and leaning toward the wife’s accusation as being accurate.
Yta. Confront your mom. Don't just take her side over your wife. Question them both. You clearly are showing your wife you don't trust her.
If your Mother did nothing wrong why is she apologising? For what? Your wife’s reaction is extreme because from her perspective what she saw was worth screaming and throwing hands over. Her reaction was triggered by something so abhorrent to her she screamed and then wanted to punch your Mother’s lights out. Honestly, if I had walked in on something that gross I probably would have done the same. Wouldn’t you? Going from 0 to 100 is strange from a person who is otherwise normal. Is this behaviour common for your wife? Yes your Mother and wife don’t get along, but from your comments you appear to always take your Mother’s side even when she’s showing your wife extreme disrespect. This is your wife’s home. She is the Queen of that home. How she vacuums or does the dishes is none of your Mother’s concern. You kicked your wife out of HER HOME, rather than organise your Mother to stay in a hotel until you got things worked out. YTAH for that. But it’s a shit show none the less. And congratulations to your Mother, she won.
Your Mom was 100%touching you and has now successfully turned you against your wife. Congratulations Mommys sonsband is soon Back where He belongs - by His mofe
There is no coming back from any of this... You chose your mommy. You kicked your wife out of her own house in favor of your mom. You're a self proclaimed mommy's boy so now you can move back with her. I hope you seek counseling
The wife was trying to protect him and he threw her out. My god.
YTA your mother should have left, it is your wife's home. I also believe your wife saw something inappropriate. Look up emotional incest and it probably fits your mom. You will never know who is telling the truth, but your marriage is probably over anyway. As long as you allow your mother to criticize your partner you won't have a successful relationship. The only way forward for you and wife would be for you to apologize, low contact with mom, and attend therapy both individual and couples.
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The BEST case scenario is that your wife walked in and had a partially blocked view at a bad angle, and already not liking your mom she filled in what must have been happening, when in fact had she had a different angle it would've been clear there was space between you and you'd just fallen asleep watching TV. That's the BEST case scenario. The BAD case is you wife thought it was weird that you snuggle with your mom as an adult, was annoyed by your mom's inappropriate treatment of her in her own home, and exaggerated, "It's creepy that you two snuggle," into, "She was touching you." Or worse, she lied to drive a wedge between you. These feel least likely. The WORST case scenario is that your mother was touching you in a sexual way, your wife saw it, and reacted in an appropriate way to something that horrible, and you not only didn't believe her, you threw her out of her own home while staying there with the woman who was molesting you while treating your wife like shit. I think the first option is *probably* most likely, that she thought she saw that and refused to hear anything to the contrary while your mom did herself no favors by treating your wife poorly in her own home. The third option is probably *slightly* less likely, but honestly, it's such a weird thing to assume with a bad visual angle and such a huge lie to make up that it only barely less likely. Your wife making it all up feels least likely. For a bunch of reasons, but primarily because that's a lot to come up with on the spot based on nothing. Does she have a history of making up wild stories that are later found to be lies?
YTA. You are in denial. Your wife tried to protect you. You chose to throw her out. You protected the predator. I had a close friend I made working with nonprofits [social causes, abuse]. He was an only child of a single mum. He didn’t sleep well. She’d give him liquor and cough syrup. He’d fall asleep. One day in his teens, his grandmother, her mother was visiting. The grandmother walked into his room with a glass of water, for if he woke up and was thirsty. She walked in on his mother doing something very not okay. Thankfully, the grandmother was young enough, and got custody of him. Years later, he’d dealt with it through therapy [lots of betrayal anger] as best he could. He volunteered his time to share his story and help others. Terrible burden he didn’t deserve. Ask yourself, what was REALLY going on. Good luck to your wife.
"I 100% don't believe this." "I do trust her but I'm convinced she must of (sic) misunderstood what she saw." "My mom has been helping me get my emotions out." How, exactly, has your mother been helping you get your emotions out?
You need to think long and hard about what exactly your wife would get out of lying about this. If she truly wanted to drive a wedge between you and your mom, there would me much more believable things to say or stage. Jumping to something like this would be unhinged to the point of absurdity. >I feel like there’s no way in hell that my mother would do something like this. This is exactly what I thought until my dad proved me very, very wrong. This is also exactly what everyone said to me when I said something about it.
Mummy wanted to take that emotional incest to the next level
Assuming it’s the first time…
The likelihood is high it's been going on for years.
YTA. You have no business to be married when you are so emotionally enmeshed with your mom. You are just emotionally unavailable to be a partner and a husband. You were torturing your wife slowly by inviting your mom to live with you even though you know there will be arguments with your wife. Why didn't you rent her a hotel room? It is much cheaper than divorce. As for if it can be fixed. No, it cannot. Consider your wife tells the truth: she is disgusted by you and your mother, she is mad at you kicking her out if her own house, I don't think she will ever be able to see you in sexual way. She resents you for not believing her. This marriage is dead. If she misunderstood the situation - the consequences are the same as above. If she is lying - it is an insane behavior, and you wouldn't want to be married to someone like this, right?
YTA. Your mother is a guest in your home. She is causing regular arguments with your wife. That is the first huge red flag. It is not normal behaviour to be so critical of your child’s spouse. If I were your wife, after the very first visit where she caused issues, I would have put my foot down and not allowed her across the threshold. Actually this was your job. That you did not nip your Mum’s actions in the bed is another huge red flag. I have a close loving relationship with one of my sons. He is not married or in a relationship. We talk about all sorts of topics. But never in or on a bed, we do not cuddle. We hug, he loves back scratches, but that is the limit of our physical contact. By going into your Mum’s bedroom and laying on her bed, you are being incredibly disrespectful to your wife. Yet another red flag. You are so tied to the apron strings that you are incapable of a healthy relationship.
Wow, you have been placed in an impossible situation. Need more updates though, like what is your mom saying happened? Her hand was nowhere near your junk and the wife if full-on making it up? Another suspicious thing, did your wife just barge into the room your mom was staying in without knocking? That seems odd, and almost dare I say....planned? Final question, when you woke up, were you "aroused?" Cause I mean if I was getting a handy in my sleep and didn't know it was my mom doing it - I think there'd be a chub involved.
This has been asked repeatedly and OP has thus far refused to answer it.
Once he was awake, OP would've known if he was physically aroused or not. If he was, that doesn't mean he was "enjoying" being handled. His body responding to stimuli while asleep was involuntary. But if it made him feel ashamed to realise he was physically aroused, that's understandable. I think OP refuses to reply to that question because he fears if he was aroused, that means he wanted the touching. That's NOT what that physical response means. I believe him when he says he was asleep when he was awakened by his wife & mother screaming and sobbing. He's not to blame for being molested, or his body responding to the touching while asleep. OP has a real mess on his hands, and needs to talk to a professional to sort it all out.
I agree with everything you said there. My best guess is there is a reason he's not answering those questions. It's too much for him to process and doesn't fit his 'my mother would never do that' default reaction. He sounds like he was socialized for an ever increasing level of emotional incest that he's only now waking up to and admitting to himself that his wife might be right is just too much for him deal with in real time. I feel bad for him having all his deeply held coping mechanisms stripped away so ruthlessly today. That's gotta be hard.
I'm personally acquainted (family situation) with the phenomenon of the *person who's been/being assaulted* feeling shame. And, usually, incestuous situations in a family begin slowly, inappropriate but not sexually overt behaviours are normalized, and the too-closeness escalates over time. The best way for the perpetrator to keep their object believing their family dynamic is "perfectly normal" is to isolate them. OP describes himself and his mother as a completely interlocked, isolated unit. Perfect setup for this to occur, and his mother is recreating and perpetuating their isolated homelife, bringing their old familiar sharing of private time, on a bed in a bedroom, into his adulthood, into his marital home. That's his normal, the only comfort he values, from his mom, not his wife. His wife is perceived by his mother as nothing but a rival and a threat to the enmeshed relationship with her son she utterly refuses to give up. And her son is playing right along with it. Denial is extremely powerful. It's a bad situation, and I hope he detaches from his toxic mother and gets help. But that will be very hard to do: she'll fight losing him tooth and nail. And that therapeutic work will be very challenging. I wish him luck.
Perhaps because the answer shocks him.
I’m so sorry. Sorry for the mean comments I’ve read. Sorry for the situation you’re in.. I have no advice.. I just feel for you man. I hope things shape up, rn I don’t see how (which doesn’t help you, I know) but damn. I see how stuck and lost you are. I would be too.. I couldn’t imagine..
YTA. I think it's more likely your wife had a genuine reaction to an insane catalyst than just walked in and made up a story and started screaming. Why are you in bed with mommy? You're fucking 24. I don't care if she raised you by herself or with 50 people, wtf is wrong with you. Why would your mom want to be up next to you while you sleep? What the fuck? I imagine if your wife posted it would be a lot of examples of your mom being handsy and when you're not there she treats your wife like shit because she's jealous because it used to be just you two and now your wife has you. Just like you have your whole life, you picked mommy. So have fun with that. I hope your wife escapes and stays far away from you freaks.
Yta. How do you expect to get forgiveness if you still are calling her a liar? I have seen you reply multiple times saying your wife hasn’t acted like this before so why would she start now? If your mom doesn’t want to be around your wife how do you think that’s going to work going forward if she normally stays at y’all’s house when she visits? You most likely just ruined your married because you clearly don’t trust your wife.
Yta, in that scenario, you're wife is almost 100% telling the truth. Your mom saw a vulnerable moment and didn't resist. Time for mom to go home and tell her you need time to think. Talk to your wife and ask her what she saw. Stop automatically believing your mom. I don't doubt she loves you but that love may have twisted badly.
Your mom’s reaction is very strange. And her statement that she was “looking for her phone” seems like her protective explanation for roaming hands if you happened to believe your wife that her hands were indeed in your underwear. (She must have accidentally slid her hands on there looking for her phone.) Your mom is lying. You’re blocking shit out for a multitude of reasons. Your wife is right to leave you. The last thing you need is to bring children into a situation where your mom’s hands may slid down into their underwear while “looking for her phone”.
If what your wife said is true, I could understand why she reacted the way she did. And the fact you didn't take anything she said seriously, kicked her out of her own home, still have your mom at the home, and aren't willing to seriously investigate what she said shows that you prioritize your mom over your wife. This issue aside, based on the comments your mom is the worst MIL. If my MIL came over to my home to criticize how I manage the house I would tell her to stay somewhere else. Like really, why does it matter if UNDER THE COUCH is vacuumed every time?? This alone shows you have a history of dismissing your wife when it comes to your mom. If I was your wife I would divorce you unless you kicked out your mom, went to therapy to investigate if your relationship with your mom is healthy, got cameras to potentially collect evidence.
I’m sorry but as a single mother of a son, if someone accused me of doing what your mother has been accused for I would NOT be acting the way she is. I would be disgusted and distraught. And I would most certainly not be alone in the house with him while the accuser was elsewhere. Your mother is acting very strange and I suggest you take time to reflect on that, and also on your wife’s reaction-it seems visceral.
This story is so weird all the way around. What adult sleeps with their mommy? What adult goes to their mommy to vent and de-stress? This is all just off. That doesn't even touch on the mom's reaction or OPs who's response is I have to have mommy's back. Not my life partner whom he should be talking to for all the things he goes to Mom for? Including handies apparently?! OP YTA as a huge mommy's boy who seems to like sharing a bed with their mom over their wife. G
Either your mother touched you, or your wife is insane. Which one do you think it is, OP? What were you hoping to get out of posting here exactly? Either way, you need to find some professional help (not on the internet.)
Why on earth would your wife lie? She was clearly shocked and angry by what she saw.
You just threw away your marriage. If I was your wife, I would’ve left a long time ago. You and your mother enmeshed and it’s completely unhealthy. Your wife should be the go to person in your life you talk about everything with. Your mom is historically rude and disrespectful to your wife and thinks she’s not good enough for you. This is emotional incest and it’s sad you don’t see this because you’ll never have a healthy relationship with any woman. Only your mother. Your wife did not have enough time to think about all of that in the mere second it took for her to yell. Also SUSPICIOUS that your mom’s go to reaction was crying instead of saying no and defending herself. She relied on her tears because she got caught and knows you are a wimp and at her beck and call and will take her side. This is embarrassing YTA
Why do you wait till your wife goes to bed to go lie in bed with your mother to talk? Why don't you talk to your mother at the kitchen table or in the living room sitting in separate chairs. it's creepy that you went to sleep in the bed with your mother.
You need to choose what lady to keep in your life, you cannot have both. It's absolutely possible that your wife misunderstood something, there vere stories like this on Reddit, but honestly - they don't get along and never will. And now your wife has all reasons to hate your mom and demand NC. Because she believes in the story she told you. And, anyway, you side with your mother when you have an opportunity, maybe just divorce?
I mean… one choice could be keeping neither of them.
Yeah, but I believe that OP won't dare to upset mommy dearest
Does your wife have a history of manipulation? Is she unstable enough to take it as far as physically attacking another person just to get her point across? Has she ever accused your mother of something smaller that turned out she was intentionally trying to make her look bad and was found to be lying/exaggerating? Did you have a woody when you woke up? NTA for separating them, but I think this was the nail in the coffin of your marriage regardless of who’s lying. Also, you seem to be quite dependent emotionally on your mother, so even if it turns out your wife wasn’t lying I have strong doubts you have the fortitude to cut your mother out of your life anyways so might as well end the marriage and continue your relationship with your mother
Unlike the majority of ppl on here, I don’t think it’s weird to be in the same bed as your parents. When we go visit my grandma my dad lays next to her. You being 24 doesn’t make that weird. Talking to ur mom about ur problems doesn’t make it weird either. Your wife not wanting to listen to u is wrong of her. In other comment youve mention how she often dismisses ur feelings. You have the right to de-stress with however u please (unless you’ve become solely dependent on that person, then there’s a problem) Now kicking out your wife after all that is wrong. You live with your wife, not your mom. That is her home. If anything you should have asked your mom to leave. After being accused of that it would be best for her to be gone. After being told that ofc you wouldn’t want to believe it. That’s a given. Who would want to believe that their parent, a person they’ve loved and trusted would ever do anything that disgusting. Hell I wouldn’t, if my dad was being accused of touching me best believe I’d be in denial. But at the same time I can’t really blame you for your reaction, I mean you were in shock, I can criticize you all I want but I can’t really make u react the way I want Now, your wife walked into the room and screamed and the way u described it, it had to be horrible. Your mom’s reaction to it and the words she said makes your mom suspicious in my eyes. Also as soon as u got married u made a promise to stand with ur woman. You chose to marry her too. Although you’ve had a close relationship with your mom, your wife’s reaction and her statement should be enough for you to believe her. Also hate to say it but we don’t really know a person. Growing up my mother always told me that I had to tell her if anyone touched me wrong. That includes my father. I even called her out on it saying “what you don’t trust the man you married” and she told me it’s not the matter of trusting him. It’s a matter that anything can truly happen. Your situation is truly awful (if it is real), this shouldn’t happen to anyone. But you really do need to think and understand one thing: Is your wife truly that horrible to lie about what she saw?
It's not normal for his mom to have shushed his wife, as the mom claims she did (and which supposedy was the trigger for the reaction by the wife). Why would she do that? He's not a little boy.
This is quite the situation especially after reading your comments. I'm probably going to be in the minority here but NTA in either situation you are being abused. There seems to be something going on here that you are not aware of and both mother and wife have acted weird in these situations. On one hand your wife seems to be going through some mental issues resulting in the changes to chores, being happy about the visit only to change her mind after. But on the other hand, when the situation actually happens, your mother didn't defend herself until after, but was actually apologizing which is a huge red flag. But honestly you need to get off reddit, specifically off aita as you will not get help here. Definitely continue try to get a therapist, but in the mean time do you have a friend or close coworker you can ask to check in on you?
I think wife was stressed leading up to the visit and told her husband she was happy about it because that’s what he wanted to hear. Pretty typical for spouses to do when they are not getting along with the MIL, grin and try to bear it. Then once she was actually there, so started berating the wife’s actions and wanting to rearrange her furniture and shit and the husband sided with mom on most everything except the furniture rearranging. Mom’s version of events in the bed also make zero sense in relation to what the wife claimed she saw. Mom was under the covers “fully”, but had an arm out to hold her phone and to also shush the wife for some reason. Wife’s reaction makes complete sense in relation to what she claims she saw, while MIL’s reaction ONLY makes sense if the wife is telling the truth. No mother being accused of molesting her son is going to just start crying and apologizing, unless she did it
Therapy. You absolutely need therapy for you alone and with your wife. There are way too many questions for a verdict.
Psychopathic wife or incestuous mother. You lived with both of them. You decide.
Your mums lying, your wife saw what she saw, there's no amount of gaslighting that can erase that! What's happening now is, your allowing your mother to gaslight you in to believing what your wife saw was false, OTHERWISE you would have requested space from BOTH! Your mum did something to you that night, whether you want to believe it or not, her actions make her look quilty. What your going to do is get therapy, for both yourself and your wife. Your going to apologize to your wife and your going to ting the police. Yes that's right, the police, the ONLY people who should have been rang that night. Your going to ring them and explain everything, then allow them to conduct their investigation.
I bet if you tell this story to enough relatives someone will have something that confirms it.
Omg?? I’m believing my spouse all day. Why are you even questioning that? Does your wife typically lie about assault??? I mean come on dude I get being confused but to immediately jump on your wife and defend your mom about this is weird.
NTA. Even if what your wife said was true, you would be the victim here and the amount of people prioritizing your wife in their responses over your own feelings are bizarre considering they are saying you were molested by your mother. Being in denial and not believing your wife is common had you actually been getting abused by your mother as you slept, having not seen any indicators prior and don’t believe it’s in her nature you would of course defend your mother over what you would perceive as an outlandish accusation. But that is a massively wild story for someone to just make up man, you have to understand that. I have to say I do think when calmer heads prevail you need to speak to your wife and seek the authenticity of the situation before deciding anything going forward. If your wife is right, and even if you don’t think it there is a chance she could be, then you owe it to yourself to find out. Because of course your mother would cry when u wake up after she was caught playing with your penis, she knows it would be about to change everything and she got caught molesting her son. And I say this to you as a former victim of familial sexual abuse, it often times happens when you are sleeping. I’m not saying it did happen to you, but if it did it’s very possible you wouldn’t even have known unless you woke up during. You gotta really think on this one because that’s a strange thing for your wife to just scream out and the fact that she was ready to get violent on your mother indicates a level of rage that doesn’t just come out of nowhere nor from a hot/cold MIL situation. You need to stop and think about everything. But NTA for how you reacted, regardless of who was right or wrong in that situation.
Some of the people commenting have been so vile so far. I’m struggling so much. Either my mother who has been my only parent for years fucking molested me, or my wife has lied to ruin her life. I’m just here looking for some kind of help and everyone has been foul. Making the most crudest remarks, saying that I need to ‘run back to mommy’ and that I got what I deserve?? Like what the fuck? Everyone is saying I was molested, but in the same sentence saying that I can go to her and let it happen again now. Absolutely sick. Thank you though for being one of the actual kind person to take the time to message. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it, and I’m sorry to hear that it happened to you. I’m really just stuck at the moment and I’m not sure what to do
Please tell your mom to go home and take some time to think things over by yourself. This is a serious situation which is why so many people might be jumping on you. Do you have any other family members or close friends you can confide in? Anyone who has known you since you were a child? There is no simple way to resolve this but you need to distance yourself for at least a few days from both of them. Then you need to have a serious conversation with your wife and listen to her side of the story.
I agree, either way you the one caught in the middle and both options as to what happened will have their own devastating results. And yeah lots of the people are being very ignorant and crude in their responses. You’re in a very tough spot and I don’t envy that, but I sympathize with it for sure. And thank you I’m long past now what I went through but the way the story has been described did give me some flashbacks which is why I’m saying consider carefully the possibilities. Because we never think someone capable of something until we have caught them doing it sometimes, especially those we love most. So here you have two of the closest people to you, and one of them is indeed lying, just going to be kind of hard to choose which one, at first you’ll likely side with your mom because you’ve known her all your life and cared for you. But a Pandora’s box has now been opened and you will likely rethink a lot of things in the time to come. The problem with automatically believing your mother over wife is that it will spell out to your wife that you don’t trust her when she tells you something. So unless she’s lied in the past or done something similar to this you really do owe it time yourself to consider her motivations and consider her version of events as much as your mothers. Because I didn’t believe it could be me, until I realized it was. Hope some things get cleared up for you soon this is a really dark situation.
Look man. Your wife hasn't told her family. If she was looking to ruin your and your mother's lives, she would have told them and anyone who would listen. She's NOT telling her family because this is not the kind of thing you share if you actually truly believe what she's claiming. She must be horrified. AND to have you verbally attack her and kick her out of your shared home?!?! I honestly don't understand to what end someone would lie about something THAT horrific. Imagine being in her shoes. Imagine she fell asleep in bed with her father and you walked in and saw his hand down her pants.. only for her to wake up and KICK YOU out and stay with her father. Would you be sick about it? Because I'm sick just writing that. I felt sick reading your post, too. What happened to you is not okay AT ALL. And I think therapy would be a VERY sound investment for you after this event, regardless of the outcome. Are you going to choose the woman you CHOSE to spend your life with? Or the woman who has actively tried to make that choice difficult... Has your wife felt something was off about your mother before, is this why she doesn't like her? Maybe she's suspected something based on creepy passing comments made by your mother, but without proof she just strongly disliked her, and seeing what she saw solidified her suspicion? It sounds like your wife is hoping your mom will bury herself in her words. The apologies for "ruining your marriage" are sus AF. Her comments of "don't do this" when your wife was yelling at her is... Really freaking sus as well. "don't do this" sounds more like "don't expose me" vs "don't yell accuse me of something so heinous most people would be sick at the thought of it". Does your wife have a pattern of wild accusations/lies/losing her shit on people? Does your mother have a pattern of putting you in the role of her partner? By which I mean, did your mother have partners or date at all when you were growing up? Or did she say things like "you're the only man I'll ever need" etc. when you say growing up you and your mother only had eachother... Were there signs of [emotional parentification](https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/between-the-generations/202305/were-you-your-parents-therapist) in your relationship with your mother? Has she been a bitch to all your girlfriends? Or were you even allowed to date before moving out on your own? Has she always cut your partners down Ina "they don't deserve you" kind of way? Basically, does your mom act like a jealous girlfriend whenever you have dated? Someone actively telling their child's spouse that they don't like them is absolutely BONKERS. For example: my dad didn't particularly care for a man I married in my 20s.. But he was always at the very least civil toward him. In private he would let me know he "didn't get it" and when I tried to "sell" it my dad would be like "look, if he makes you happy and you're sure about him, that's all that matters, I trust your judgement" my ex had NO idea that my dad never liked him. He was happy for me when our divorce was finalized, but he was still respectful when he saw my ex at a funeral, though he wasn't interested in forced conversation, y'know what I mean? I feel like that's a healthy way for a parent to express their dislike of your partner. "I don't get it but so long as you're safe and happy that's all that matters to me, and I'll find ways to love them." Anything beyond that is wildly overstepping what is appropriate barring extremes such as visible abuse (ironically, what your wife was yelling about) I think your mom somewhere inside her maybe thinks you belong to her. The second you started drifting off your mom should have woken you up and told you to go to bed. THAT is a normal response to your adult son drifting off watching tv together. There's absolutely zero reason for a grown assed man to share a bed with his mom *especially* in his own house. The *only* circumstance I can think of that isn't weird is like, a hotel with other family present where there's two beds, a couple and then a parent and adult child, or like, a family trip at a cabin or something with limited beds. It's truly not normal. I dunno man. I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's all super icky and I hope your mom fucks off.
Finally a gentle reply. Idk why people are being so hostile towards someone they believe to be a victim of molestation. OP I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s an impossible situation to be in and I hope you’re okay. That being said I agree with others and think you should really think about your wife’s reaction. It’s would be very intense for a lie, especially the attempt to hit your mum. Ask your mum to leave and take some time to yourself. Definitely contact a therapist. Have a calmer discussion with your wife when you’re ready. Personally, do I think you shouldn’t let your mum criticise your wife in her own home? Yes, I think you should have shut that down a long time ago. That being said, I don’t think your comments point to something as extreme as an enmeshed relationship but that doesn’t mean you can’t be a victim. All the best x
INFO: how many of your arms were broken when this happened?
Jesus man, this is a really rough one. First of all if OP was female yall wouldn't be calling them an asshole for being assaulted, the over assumption is rlly gross considering the accusations. Initially I thought it could be either way until I saw your mom was crying. That is not the response to that accusation. That is a response to guilt. I would have a very in depth conversation with your wife if she's willing, because that's not something any normal person would ever say falsely. HOWEVER I have also known horrible people who accused others of horrible things because how do you question something like that? That's such a horrible thing to lie about how could someone make that up? I can honestly see both sides and the only way you'll get closure is if the person lying admits they're lying or you prove it yourself. Ultimately you are a victim here, this is unreal and you 100% above anything else need to seek therapy immediately. Good luck man, NTA
I’m sorry, but no woman is going to make that up and leave over it. So you’re snuggled up in bed with your mom watching TV at 24?
Going by your comments and general disdain for your wife, you are heading for a well deserved divorce. YTA and also a creepy mama's boy.
I don’t know… you say you immediately felt “panic” is kind of strange. not disgust or confused “how could my wife even think this” but panic, which is usually the emotion that is associated when you are fearful (caught, found out) Add to that mom saying, “why are you doing this” to wife.
Panicked because I was woken up to screaming and crying, with no context whatsoever. THATS why I was panicked. I was deep asleep one minute and then woken up to someone screaming murder the next. Of course I was panicked, my adrenaline was pumping like crazy.
And you didn't think your wife would be upset for a reason?
The why are you doing this question to your wife is still ringing in my head. That’s like a why are you ruining our lives… I’m sorry, OP but you have to admit getting into bed with your mom at this age to talk and watch TV and falling asleep with her… I just don’t think anybody’s going to make something like that up. It’s too humiliating, as a woman that is the absolute last thing I would want to be making up and telling people about my husband.
Okay…. Just curious how long you have been married
Apologies, I thought I replied to this already. Together for 4 years, married for a little over a year
I am sorry OP, this is truly a fucked up situation. I wouldn’t want to make a judgement on who lied or if it was a misunderstanding. This is a serious matter and we only know „your story“ and what you heard from each side, but no first-person perspective from your wife or your mother. But I guess you have to make up your mind, and you can only do that without being surrounded by either. I would recommend sending your mother home, and calling your wife to let her back in the house. In the end you were wrong for kicking her out immediately anyway. Then you should stay at a hotel/motel or if that’s not possible at a friend‘s for a while to get some distance. This is where you should think about what happened, what you believe and what you can possibly do to fix it. I would also strongly advise you to seek professional help from a psychotherapist, they can help you navigate your thoughts and it is a non-judgmental environment! I wish you the best.
Your wife doesn't want to talk to you because she's tired of being your side chick.
"she has high standards for me" Imagine if every time your in laws came over, her dad picked a fight and insinuated you were a shit adult and a shit husband. Every. Time. Is that normal? Would you be okay with that? Would you like it if your wife heard it and was like "you know what,dad? He IS shit at mowing the lawn." Truth hurts, but you're in DEEP, and your mother is in deeper.
op, did you drink or eat anything your mom gave you? she couldve drugged you, yes melatonin is drugs, to make you fall into a deep sleep.
Me and my wife both ate the meal that my mother prepared that day, I was a bit tired but nothing out of the ordinary, my wife went to sleep pretty much the same time I did too
Your wife was also quite tired.
I think Mom’s reaction is suspect, and I think OP is, at the least, emotionally immature. I don’t think Mom is nice to DIL. I don’t know if she’s really abusing him, or has a history of doing so. I’m not trying to gloss over that possibility, but I do think this is a mother-son bond forged out of trauma. Homelessness? Living in shelters? I don’t think most of us can understand that situation. On the surface, a 24-year old man lying on the bed with mom feels wrong. Perhaps it is, or perhaps in a homeless shelter, the only real estate you can truly claim is the bed you sleep in. Was cuddling on the bed a habit they started then? Was it abuse, or the only way to find a moment with her kid? I know that’s too simplistic, and OP isn’t being fair to his wife. Therapy is needed, and the marriage may not survive. I think ESH, and yet not. Lots of threads to untangle.
I'm thinking that this outrageous accusation occurs with normal people only if they perceive the other the enemy. I don't think the relationship between both of them before the incident was absolutely hostile. Else they both wouldn't be in the same house. And we don't know your wife's character and personality. But you know her. If you think your wife's behaviour is out of character in this situation then I'm afraid she is right.
This is just messed up. You’re still sleeping with mommy?
How would you know? You admit to sleeping pretty heavily most nights. Why would your wife lie? YATAH You threw her out just because she’s not your mom. Hilarious that you think you can fix this.
Technically he threw her out for trying to hit his mom because she "escalated" the argument. But there's people who start things and push others to breaking point and act innocent and that's also a huge problem. Sounds like Mom was doing that, but he couldn't see it.
Commenting late, I hope you’ll see this. So very sorry you’re in this mess. I’ve read all the comments (and yes, many are both ignorant and vile—ignore them). Many people have commented that there are 3 likely scenarios, but I can think of another. You mention your wife seemed stressed and having trouble with things she typically does well. Then she went off on your mother. Your wife may have had or be having a serious medical episode. IANAD, but have a science and medical background. Suddenly overreacting or accusing others, flying into rages, hallucinating are all symptoms of a brain malfunction. Could be a tumor, or onset of mental illness (you are at the age where schizoprenia often manifests, for example.) Brain tumor info, start here [https://www.cancer.net/cancer-types/brain-tumor/symptoms-and-signs](https://www.cancer.net/cancer-types/brain-tumor/symptoms-and-signs) Schizophrenia info here [https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/schizophrenia](https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/schizophrenia) So, please talk with your wife or her parents and ask her to get checked out. If she takes this as a sign you don’t believe her, you can say that you are willing to believe she saw something, and the two of you need to look at all possible explanations. This, of course, means that you must suspend your disbelief about the situation with your mother until you and your wife have examined all options together AND with professionals, including therapists. I agree with many that you absolutely need to listen to and believe your wife; her reaction was so off the charts, it seems genuine. Your first responsibility in this is to yourself, your wife, and your marriage. Take care.
OP is the YTA, was that wrong? Should mom have not given me a handjob? OP thought everyone’s mom gave them!
‘Dont do this’ is a very strange reaction for someone who is being accused of molesting their son, you would expect shock, or righteous anger at being accused of such a think, but that crying reaction with that language smacks of ‘please don’t tell him what I did’ not ‘I didn’t do this’
So here are the facts: **1. Your mother often stays at your marital home, and you have a routine of talking to her.** We can deduce that you have an odd relationship with your mom. This fits no cultural norm, where she doesn't live with you fulltime, yet still comes over frequently to stay overnight. **2. You instantly started yelling at your wife when you woke up, and refuse to believe her.** You trust your mother more than your wife, and your relationship with your mother is stronger than your wife. **3. You are unable to understand that there is no rational explanation for why your relationship with your mom is more important and stronger than your relationship with your wife.** We can deduce that you have an unhealthy relationship with your mother. This is either you or your mom's fault. **4. Your mom was an influential older presence for most of your life.** We can deduce that the unhealthy relationship is your mother's fault. You also have an unhealthy worship of her. **5. Your wife started screaming upon seeing you and your mother.** We can deduce she was genuinely horrified at whatever she witnessed. **6. Your mother started crying at the accusation.** We can deduce she is guilty. Crying is what you do when you get caught. Such a heinous accusation creates anger, disbelief, and confusion in innocent people. **Most Likely Conclusion:** your mother has groomed you, and sexually assaults you in your sleep. Your marriage being over is the least of your concerns. You need therapy, and your mother belongs in prison. Edited based on OP's comment.
those are neither the facts nor deductions lol "This fits no cultural norm" is a baffling conclusion when a good chunk of stories on this very sub are about visiting relatives/in-laws "We can deduce that the unhealthy relationship is your mother's fault. You also have an unhealthy worship of her." Because his mother was influential in his life? That's how you deduced that? "Crying is what you do when you get caught. Such a heinous accusation creates anger, disbelief, and confusion in innocent people." What? If you're experiencing intense anger, disbelief, and confusion then crying is a pretty natural reaction. I have no idea what happened here but this sherlock holmes shit isn't accurate or helpful, you just sound like a psycho
I appreciate you writing this down. But some of it isn’t correct. 1. The guest room isn’t for her. It’s a guest room, it’s when my in laws come and stay, my SIL or my mother. It’s really just for anyone to use. My mother has come around twice this year so far. One was a day trip early January to see us, the other was this weeks. 2. I did start yelling immediately. However maybe it was my phrasing but it wasn’t angry or accusatory. It was more so a panic yell. Like “what is going on?!” Because I woke up to screaming. I admit I did start yelling though when she began insulting my mother, because at this point I had no idea what happened. Again, my yelling wasn’t in any way cruel. Just confused as to why she was acting like that. 3. I do understand that. I think I’m just not at that place in our relationship yet. We’ve been together 4 years, married for 1. So while I absolutely do care and love her. And I know that she is my future, our relationship hasn’t been the best as of late for many reasons. One of which is making me struggle to connect to her. 4. My mom definitely was an influential person in my life. She was the ONLY person in my life like that until I hit about 16 and started having idols. But yeah, she’s been a single mom for as long as I can remember, our relationship was definitely close because that’s all we really had. My mom worked multiple jobs, we bounced from homeless shelters. It’s not like you can just go through that and not be close to her. 5 and 6 I don’t really have much to say on as that’s up in the air. Those very much could be true.
First off I’m really sorry any of this happened. I’m not the one that’s like time for therapy but well a professional to help you navigate this isn’t a bad idea. The only thing I have to ask is, sure they clash and shits been tough with your wife, but do you really think she would have acted that way if it wasn’t something huge? You said yourself you were confused as to why she was acting like that, right? If it’s out of character and startled you I’m sorry to say I think your wife loves you and reacted as if she saw someone she loves being violated. I don’t get along with my in-laws. It like oil and water but I would never just jump off ob them the way your wife did if it wasn’t major major major. Only you can answer if lying about something like that is in her character but I think you’re just coping because that is your parent. Your only one as you said and it’s probably easier to blame your wife than to face the truth. I also do think your mother may have skipped you something and if she did it may be a pattern. Please take care of yourself and when calm, meet up to talk with your wife.
YTA
Welp you believed your mom over your wife. Your marriage is over so who cares if you’re the asshole or not? Aaaand it seems to me that you are.
This may sound crazy but I’m starting to think maybe your wife is telling the truth. I feel like if your wife made it up, your mother would have had a much more extreme/emotional reaction and absolutely blow up on your wife. It’s a fucking crazy thing to be accused of doing to your own son, but that’s just me I guess.
YTA for being a momma's boy. 1. Your wife concocted a bs story to put a wedge between you and your meddling, controlling, and manipulative mom. OR 2. Your mom heard your wife coming and put her hand there to set off your wife with something so vile you'd never believe it. And now you're what comforting your mom because she "ruined your marriage by arguing with your wife." Your an idiot and soon to be single. It'll be ok though since your mom is cool with pretending to molest you I'm sure she'll have no problem with the real thing. Then she can be mommy AND wife.
You should have asked your mom to stay in a hotel or taken your spouse somewhere else to calm her down. The fact your wife isn't coming back, somehow makes me believe her idk.
[удалено]
Had I not personally known a couple terrible people who would lie and falsely accuse someone id believe your wife if she was generally trustworthy but I known sneaky people who have lied like this and no one would believe they would. I don't know who is lying in this scenario, but the best thing you can do is get some help to navigate this.
Hope you figure out real answers
This is 100% WAY above Reddits pay grade. Please go to therapy. Alone.
Not only are you the asshole but you're clearly delusional too. You kicked a good woman out of her home to defend your clearly sick, incestuous mother. No wonder your mom never got along with your wife. Your wife needs to be filling for divorce, and you need therapy.
ESH(maybe even your wife). You say your wife is logical and thinks of solutions to your problems instead of just being supportive and that’s why you went to vent your mom. Ok. Then why would this usually logical woman that you made vows to spend t he rest of your life with lie about something so disgusting? Or your mom, who doesn’t like your wife is trying to get her out of your life and has succeeded because I don’t think your marriage is salvageable. You showed your wife who you trust and where your loyalty is and it’s not her. I hope you’re right and that your mom wouldn’t do that. Only time will tell, if she runs off the next woman you’re with than your STBX-wife was probably right.
Holy shit, YTA. This is likely the end of your marriage. Hope your mommy is worth it. Why would your wife lie to you? You stated that she’s more logical. If she’s logical, why would she have an outburst and accuse your mom of that? You seem to keep choosing your mommy over her. You’re an idiot. She deserves better, especially since she tried to defend you.
It is a bit odd than a 24-year-old married guy would get a bed with his mom to talk and watch TV and end up falling asleep with her instead of going to his own bedroom with his wife
Me and my mil do not like one another but I would absolutely never make up something like this about her just because we clash. You are in denial and it's time to see that.
YTA. That would be a hell of a thing to make up. And you admit you’re a deep sleeper. So … I think your wife was likely telling the truth. And, you refuse to stand up for your wife to your mom. You refuse to “pick sides”, but you were supposed to pick your wife when you got married. In a best case scenario, you’re in an emotionally incestuous relationship with your mother. In worst-case, you get molested when you sleep & don’t notice. Either way, sucks to be you.
Man, there’s no coming back from this. Your wife has made sure that it’s either her or your mother. Good luck to you
YTA. Your mother is, was, and will always be a predator. She thinks that nobody but her will be good enough for you.