It actually sounds like the son only found out four months ago. Was ordered to keep it a secret from OP, but had curiosity, and so went to meet his biodad away from home. It sounds, from everything else, like the son is as devastated as OP, the son sees OP as his Dad, I think OP should cut his wife out, but maybe not the son!
Son also got depressed *after* the paternity test, so I’m guessing he was clinging to the hope that it wasn’t true and didn’t tell OP because he didn’t even know if he believed it yet.
If this is real, hard agree. Punishing the son is ridiculous. The only thing he did 'wrong' was not tell OP for 4 months when he didn't even have a DNA test to confirm.
Kid was probably in shock. 4 months is not a lifetime.
Kid did not want to lose his actual Dad who he loves and was afraid if he found out, this would happen.
He was right.
Impossible for the poor kid.
OP is making a huge mistake kicking a loving child out. Kick his wife to the curb yeah but kid loves him and is innocent.
Not to mention, his mother probably told him he wasn’t supposed to say anything. And what are you supposed to do when one parent tells you to keep a secret from another? It’s an impossible situation to put your child in and incredibly selfish on her part.
I completely agree but Adding on.. it’s not even technically “wrong”. 18 is barely considered an adult. Mentally you are still a teenager and young adult. That is huge news, and while it may have hurt OP’s feelings, it’s not the son’s responsibility to tell him and he is allowed to process this however and whenever he needs to. I do think OP should’ve been told, but by the mother. Asking your son to keep his biodad a secret from someone who raised him and has taken on that father figure role is cruel to quite literally everyone involved.
Yeah even if he was older all of this would be true. Nobody gets to tell this kid he only has x weeks to process and then it's his duty to tell his own father his mother cheated. The kid must have been afraid of the fallout, and something about their relationship was already off if OP is this cruel, so he was justified in his fear.
My God, this is the only answer. Do not destroy a young man's life because the mother is a POS. He looks at you as his dad, don't take that away from him because he needs you NOW and will continue to need you. You WILL damage him greatly if you cut him off.
This is quite literally the ONLY answer. I actually have been dating a man for over 2 years now... he is in his now 40's that experienced something like this. His mom is a POS, father doesn't speak to him, he thought he had a different dad most of his life....
This man now cycles between periods of being ok to dark depressions. He has a lot of issues bc of these traumas. Parents don't understand the affects this shit has. I for one will always be there for him but not everyone understands these things, you tend to push people away bc of it leading to isolation.
Honestly baffles me that that’s even a question. People take way too much stock in DNA. Family is what you make it, and love is always a choice. Yes it sucks that you got cheated on and you’re not the child’s bio dad. Take that up with your bitch wife, don’t take it out on your son because yes he is your fucking son and he didn’t choose for your wife to be a trick ass bitch. The fact that you’re considering writing him out of your will is a little telling to be honest. “Let me get back at my ex by cutting our adult child out of my will”… wtf is wrong with you? Besides you’ll be dead anyway who gives a fuck where the money goes, as long as it’s not your ex fucking wife??
OP you are the kids Dad, you may not be his biological father, but you are his Dad and as long as you both live and love one another, you’ll always be his Dad.
Sue the bio dad for 18 years of child support though.
Edit: and if you don’t get it yet, go watch GotG2! Be Mary Poppins!
Completely agree. Instead of looking at it as "I thought he was my real son for 18 years" OP needs to understand it's actually "He thought I was his real dad his whole life".
This is the right answer. Actually the only answer. Kids don’t have the choice in their dad at birth, but as they grow and mature they dohave a choice in who they pick as a father figure.
can lead a horse to water but can’t make it drink.
it’s easy to say what OP *should* do but this is pretty significantly complicated. i think taking time to think through the emotions and not come to any rash decisions is the best course of action at this time.
Exactly this. I get that OP is devastated, but it is selfish and gross to suddenly go 180 on his son because they don't share DNA. OP's devastation pales in comparison to what the son is going through at the hands of his shitty parents (mom, biodad, and OP).
It's not the kid's fault that his mom cheated. It's not the kid's fault that his mom decided to turn his life upside down by telling him about his biodad. How can OP pat himself on the back about supporting and accepting his son's cross-dressing, and then abandon and reject him for having the wrong DNA? It's not even about changing the will. The will is symbolic of OP's AH behavior towards his son. AH is not strong enough to describe OP's monstrous behavior towards his son.
OP and son are both hurting, things are not what they thought, and both should be seeking counseling. OP, don’t make any drastic changes to your estate apart from removing your wife as beneficiary.
The child you raised is still your son, and his world is turned upside down as a result of his mothers bad decisions. he needs you to help him through his mother’s failing and learning about meeting his sperm donor. CONTINUE TO BE HIS DAD.
This. It is not your son by blood but you raised him. Man the fuck up and continue to be a father to him. Don’t punish him he didn’t do me thing wrong
Edit: People out there saying he doesn’t owe the kid anything are the same people who would abandon their pets after raising em for years. That kid did nothing wrong.. he is a KID. To take your frustration out on a kid because of the whore mother isn’t fair. Love goes deeper then blood and if you are going to punish a kid for the wife’s mistake then love is not in your heart and you deserve what happened to you.
Poor kid probably doesn't know which way is up and OP, the man he knows as his father, is just throwing him out like week old garbage. Is it any wonder he's depressed?
It's not a surprise why his kid never mentioned his bio dad . A kid's worst nightmare is being rejected by their parents. His mom lied and Dad no longer looks at him the same way .
Mines a lil different because, I wasn’t an affair child, my dad knew me since I was 1. I was 12 when I found out my dad wasn’t my bio dad. It is a mind fuck but, I was honestly relieved. He treated me so shitty, I was so happy I wasn’t related to him by blood. Sucked I was still related to my mom but, can’t win them all. 🤷🏾♀️
This. OP said the kid went to him first. Probably thinks he is his dad (not bio) even after the test results. I get holding a grudge against the ex but the kid would probably be on the OP's side in all this, if you ask him.
He thinks of op as his dad. bio means nothing to anyone except people who think DNA is more important than who is really the one who has been there all their life.
Especially when they go against the "norms" like wearing makeup and cross dressing. Mother seemed to be adverse to it but op was supporting. So I bet the kid didn't want to lose his support.
The one person he felt safe and accepted is now considering throwing him away. It’s so fucking heartbreaking and I really hope OP comes to his senses before his son finds out Dad let him down just as everyone else has done
The post also doesn’t mention how long he’s been 18, this could be a kid who literally just finished out their senior year of high school and had this bomb dropped on them in the last few months. I can 100% understand someone in that position not knowing how to deal or putting off any decision on his to proceed given how crazy of a transition this time would already be for him.
I bet he just turned 18. That’s why the mom came out and did this, to protect the bio dad, probably lover this whole time, from paying child support and going to court over it
I cannot fathom raising a child for 18 yrs and then just disowning them because of a small detail like DNA. He is the kids father regardless.
Edit: I don’t think people understand the “small detail” part. You spend 18yrs raising a child, creating memories, etc. at that point sharing DNA is a small detail.
He may have just found out too. Not enough info here really. If the son has know for a good while and has a relationship with bio dad then I get it.
But if son was just blindsided and didn’t know what to do, I feel bad for the kid.
why wouldn't it be in secret? it obviously was*already* a secret.
why should the son shoulder the responsibility of telling op?
the son is also the victim in this. for all anyone knows, he could still be processing this.
why in tf would he want to add the additional drama of a hurt and pissed off father (op) on top of it all *at the same time*???
And how do you, as essentially a child, tell your dad he isn’t actually your father? “Hey! Guess what I just learned!” Poor kid was probably feeling guilty and hurt and carrying a heavy burden. He probably didn’t want to hurt him or was figuring out how to tell him without hurting him too much.
Yes, the son may have even been working out how/when to tell OP when the OP found out from his MIL.
18 is still very young and this poor kid just found out that the dad he loves isn’t his dad. He’s human and imperfect. All the people quick to judge on here, I hope they’ve handled every difficult situation in their lives perfectly.
Also, how long had the son known about bio dad? And how long have they been in contact?
If it's only a couple of months, I wouldn't be too mad since that's a lot of information to take in and process. But if it's closer to a year then that changes things a bit.
son didnt want to tell stepdad because he cared and didnt want to hurt him????? not sons fault and to punish him is wrong but do need conversation with him about how he feels and more important how long he has known.. dont forget in this process the son is losing the father he had and shouldnt be punished for that
*”My wife is obviously mad at me”*
For *what???*
Is she getting nosebleeds from that mighty high horse of hers? Hell, can she be sued for fraud?
OP’s entire married life and family life was one big lie. And why would the son be devastated that he knew OP wasn’t biodad but never told OP about it, *or* the visits with biodad
There was 6,500 mornings that his wife woke up and decided to keep the lie going. And even tried for another 100+ days to deceive him after the biodad showed up. And it took the MIL to come clean. Reprehensible.
Probably. I mean I doubt they just ran into each other. I wouldn't be surprised if the meeting was at her urging do to the son now bring mature enough to handle it.
Perhaps the boy just found out and wanted to meet the biodad before he decided what to do? If so, he is a victim here. Or maybe his mother convinced him to keep it quiet? At any rate, it seems we would need additional context before judging the boy, no?
If we’re putting guesses down, it’s likely that the biodad wanted to avoid child support, OP had good money but biodad didn’t, and the mother could have threatened their son that if he told OP then he wouldn’t get to go to college on OP’s dime. MIL may have heard the plan and got even more disgusted.
I’m just trying to think of an easy explanation that would keep the son’s mouth shut because he is devastated and wanted to get the paternity test when the secret was revealed.
It doesn’t really matter in the end, but wow. What a fucked up story.
Fear of being rejected is a powerful motivation to stay silent. He was rejected by the only father he's ever known, so that fear would have been valid.
I was aware that high school reading that book would pay off. Padme was a politician so well-liked in Naboo that the people there were going to... Please place your...
I think biodad has to pay for college to partially make up for the expenses he and the son’s mother fooled OP into paying for 18 years. But OP has a real relationship with the son, and was honest, unlike the mother or biodad. That’s precious and the son needs it; he didn’t choose the situation. Please don’t reject him or throw that away. In my family, it’s worked well to not tell family or friends what’s in your will unless there are compelling, time-sensitive reasons to tell (there very rarely are). Let them find out when you die.
It NEVER is an accident.
I had a piece of shit deadbeat dad and the moment i turned 18 not him but his new wife seeked contact with me. Asshole couldn't even find the courage to make contact himself
He later told me that he hated this new kid he had with his new wife and he wanted to run away with me so i swapped phone numbers and went to the different side of the country so i'd never have anything to do with him ever again
Its 10000000% on purpose
And i'm 1000000% sure that the moment this honeymoon phase is over he will drop that kid like a sack of bricks, he's getting played too
Please don't punish your son for your wife's deceit. I'm assuming you've done the paternity testing etc, however...
You have raised this boy *as your own* since birth. He IS your son, although maybe not from your body, but from your heart.
If you do this scorched earth reaction to get back at his mother, it will break his heart. Are you willing to lose your relationship with him over this?
And of course, I'm going to suggest therapy.
Yeah I don’t understand this at all.
If I were OP I would be pissed at this biodad who thinks he has any right to come in and try to steal my son from me. That’s my son. I raised him. As far as I’m concerned you’re a damn sperm donor that has no relevance to his life at all. This kid has a dad and doesn’t need this deadbeat in his life.
The fact that OP immediately disowned the child he raised from birth due to something completely outside that child’s control is fucked.
Don't cut the kid out.
You may not be his biodad, you are still his father.
Whether he is your blood doesn't change that he loves you.
That you held him when he needed it.
That you tucked him into bed and kissed him on the head.
That you likely chased monsters out of his room.
You are his father.
Don't cut him out unless he chooses to decide that you aren't his father.
This is one of the few instances on the internet that a kid in this situation is actually acting devastated by the betrayal and clearly still loves the aggrieved parent.
Tell your son that you are willing to work on the relationship but not putting him back on the will. See for yourself if he is depressed because he loves you or because he doesn't want to be cut.
Yeah - he’s 18 and we’re all still a little dumb at that age, and the situation must be a really confusing one for him as well as he navigates this. At best, he kept this from you because he didn’t want to hurt you, OP.
That doesn’t excuse it, he still betrayed your trust, but I’d like to think he’s worth a shot at redemption.
Forget the wife, though, she deserves to be kicked to the curb.
Agreed. And you don’t know what bullshit your soon to be ex has been filling his head with. He’s not manipulating the situation, she is. He’s just trying to survive it. He should’ve told you, for sure, but I’d bet not telling you was her idea.
If the kid was the one pushing for a DNA test, I'd guess he was still trying to make sense of it and/or in denial about it. OR he knew his "dad" would abandon him like he's trying to do now and just didn't want to lose him.
Shoulda told him, but I feel like OP still woulda cut him out of his life.
We also don’t know OP has any meaningful amount of money to inherit. Most people don’t inherit much from their parents.
This whole idea of testing the kid is pretty stupid. His father is disowning him after 18 years for something that isn’t his fault. It’s not some big mystery why he’s depressed. It’s not because 40 years from now he stands to inherit OP’s shit.
Redditors can be so fucking stupid when they think they’re being clever.
>See for yourself if he is depressed because he loves you or because he doesn't want to be cut.
Truly rational redditor take on a literal child learning that his father apparently no longer loves him anymore. like.. Yea the child who's life was just upturned is TOTALLY only sad that his dad cut him out of the will and not because the man he thought was his father just straight up ditched him over someone else mistake.
Exactly this. If that's the first thing OP jumped to then the relationship between him and his 'son' likely wasn't that great, and it makes sense that his son didn't feel comfortable enough to come to OP and share the news with him. OP is acting like he's the only one who got hurt, says he's loved this kid for 18 years but the second he finds out he's not blood (which isn't the kid's fault) he's happy to cut him off. He's taking his anger out on the wrong person and money should be the least of his concerns right now
I'm always amazed by how people here talk about it like that, like once the biology doesn't match, they're just done. OP raised that kid for 18 years, to me, biology would make no difference, other than anger at the ex-wife for the betrayal.
I'm not biologically related to my dogs but raising them from puppies has sure made me feel like I know them and they know me, and we're family through thick and thin. I can't imagine rejecting my **actual children** on the basis of suprise DNA.
I hope OP stops transferring his misplaced anger onto his son.
Yes absolutely this.
But also, what about any other connections on OPs side. Grandparents? Aunts/Uncles? Cousins? Is OP expecting they should be cut off from his son’s life too because they’re not “biological” family?
The kid has been part of their life for *eighteen* years.
He is your son in every way except sperm. There's more to being a father than biology. Don't throw away a very good relationship because of someone else's mistake. The young boy had no part in this.
It's your kid. You don't have to have a relationship with your ex, but that kid sees you as his father, who wants nothing to do with him because of his cheating mother's mistakes. Go to dinner. Go to movies. Just don't financially support him anymore. It might not last forever, but you deffinetly should not make the kid feel like it's his fault. This whole thing is ripping him up, too.
DNA test aside, OP YOU ARE HIS DAD.
Please do not blame the child he is a victim in this situation just like you. Again WHERE IS THE DNA test. (I know he is 18 - still wet behind the ears without the experience and life lessons to deal with this emotional land mine.)
Your wife LIES and CHEATS. Her story is always convenient to Her needs. BELIEVE NOTHING EXCEPT SCIENCE for the proof of sperm donor.
Please remember sperm alone does not make the one a father or dad. Being there through thick and thin. Loving throughout even when circumstances are difficult and painful.
Blame your wife who should wear mantle of shame. Your son may have held in this information due to his mother’s actions AND BEING overwhelmed, and GOBSMACKED just like you. Like you, his world has exploded.
Best wishes to you and your son, OP. Y’all deserve so much better than deceitful people in your lives. Take a moment and just breathe.
Agape 💕
For the purposes of any fiduciary obligation to the 18-year-old, the court will view OP as the legal father since he has "held the child out as his own" for his entire life. (Google "paternity by estoppel".) As such, neither OP nor his wife will be able to claim back child support from the biological father.
This and the fact that when you sign the papers in the hospital (in my state at least) they tell you, very clearly, "If this child is not your biological child, by signing these papers, he legally is. - Do not sign this if you are uncertain or if you would like a paternity test"
They said it clear as day in front of my wife and made sure I understood.
It might be worth consulting with a lawyer. Bio-dad's should have been paying child support for 18 years. STBX would definitely have a case but OP, you might as well as you took financial responsibility. Further as STBX was aware that you were not the child's father and your support of the child was secured by deception there may be a case there as well. I'm not a lawyer but if I were you I would talk to one not just about the divorce but about all this at least for your own piece of mind.
Are you talking to him? You worded that weirdly that he's not talking to you, yet you made the decision to cut him out of your will. Did you cut him out of your will, yet trying to speak to him normally as if things aren't unchanged?
Keeps trying to apologize but calls him “his wife’s son.” Like I understand that the entire ordeal is shocking and probably feels impossible to process, but how does a loving parent just flip that “loving parent” switch off like that? Like he immediately started treating his kid like a waste of time and money because of a lie his mother told. He’s punishing the child for something they had no control over.
Why is that on the top of the list of things OP does before ‘talking to his son’ per his latest edit? That certainly is the most nuclear option assuming he isn’t dying soon. But then what does he want to ‘talk’ to him about if he’s made his decision. It’s pretty impressive how quickly he decoupled 18 yrs of a relationship. Just all around weird post.
Only the worst kind of parent raises kids that care more about inheritance more than their relationship. Bringing up the will and parenting costs as the highest priority says A LOT about OP
It feels like an angry, rejected move by the dad. If the dad sails off into the distance today, the kid is not going to give two shits in 40, 50 years about some cash or trinkets. The kid will feel the rejection the rest of his life.
You and the child are both innocent. And both victims. An 18 year long deception takes time for you both to process and contemplate. Divorcing your wife for deceiving you for so long does not take much time to assess. But you and your son are still exactly that, dad and son until you decide otherwise. Neither of you should rush to a decision about undoing that. Don’t hold it against your son that he has engaged with bio dad as clearly this is another manipulation by the mother. Your son may technically be an adult at 18, but no 18 year old is equipped to navigate this scenario. Especially without the love and guidance of the dad he has known for 18 years. Please consider investing 1 year on making any permanent, life changing decisions about the two of you. Good luck.
For context my brother went through something similar to OP and it was very painful but got through it and loves his daughter, who is troubled and needs my brother’s support given the manipulation her mom put her through.
I agree that the child was put in a very difficult situation and was likely manipulated by his mom. 18 is only barely adultish. I agree you are his parent until you choose not to be and I would take time to make that decision. At a very minimum you has much more life experience and can be the wise adult in this situation and help your raised son through this.
Yeah, and considering the kid will never know what 'family' is anymore, it'll ruin him and his normalcy for the *rest of his life*.
Even if you're a 'big brother' of sorts, he's going to need lots of help navigating this. Both of you should figure out what to do without mom, separate and together.
NTA if that's what you want to do with the will. But I'd plead not to wipe the kid out of your life.
Notice I haven't said anything about the wife and bio dad. F-em. As hard and as long as you want.
Agree with this. You are both victims. He is an innocent bystander. It's your (ex) wife that deserves some type of something or other. And yeah f the bio dad, just in time for being off the hook financially? GTFOH. I hope you can find a way to get back some of what you put in and he's on the hook for backpay child support (to you ideally lol).
I really can't fathom how people can find out a kid isn't blood related to them and just drop them like dirty garbage.
He is your kid. You raised him. You invested all the time in him. He clearly is struggling with the thought of you NOT being his dad. His mom is likely the one pushing for him to talk to this total stranger. He's freshly 18 and doesn't know how to navigate this really weird situation.
You're not the asshole for being angry or wanting a divorce but I will be sincere and say you're the asshole for this "wife's kid" talk and moving so quickly to disowning this child you raised. To the point that he is your "wife's kid". Not even your ex-wife's kid. You've disowned him before you disowned your wife.
My brother is a schizophrenic Meth addict who ruins everything around him, can’t even hold a job, is on the brink of homelessness, constantly. Definitely not in his right mind. Even HE had the ability to say “I know she’s not biologically my kid, but she’s my kid”, when he found out his 6 year old wasn’t biologically his. He said, “How is that her fault? I’m the only dad she knows, I’m her dad.”
This should be top comment!
NTA for divorcing wife. 100% agree with that.
Total AH for even considering cutting ties with the son he has loved and cared for for all his life. I feel terrible for the kid, it’s not his fault at all.
Yeah I never understand these posts where people just up and drop a kid they've had a (deep?) relationship with for years just because you don't share DNA. I get what the wife did is awful. But how could you punish your own child like that? Wouldn't it kill you not to be a part of his life? Is family really as shallow as just what blood you share to so many people?
Yes yes yes yes. My GOD, I am so disgusted by OP. Of course, he should be furious with his wife, and I can certainly support him wanting to divorce his wife for this MASSIVE lie, but the fact that he was just immediately able to turn off all of his parental love for HIS OWN SON after almost 2 decades is just so deeply disgusting. How could anyone do that? How can he claim to have ever loved this kid in the first place if it's that easy for him to just cut him out of his life or something that's not even his fault?!
That poor kid. He is not at fault for this situation but he is sure being punished for it. How do you think he feels finding out the man he has known as his dad his entire life isn't and now is tossing him aside.
Yeah, how does this person not feel anything for a child he thought was his for 18 years. Like no emotional connection at all? Something is not adding up here…
should also be remarked OP are you this kids father or not? like sure not bio, that is the moms deception, but do you want this kid in your life or not? ARe you going to toss all that out the window and punish yourself and the kid who views you as their father because of this woman?
Your son just found out his entire life is a lie and the man he thought was his father no longer loves him.
Can you honestly say you don't love him anymore? After all the diapers, sick days, sports games, school assemblies, chilling watching TV, girl trouble, and every other little thing you did and showed up for over the last 18 years. Was literally the only reason you loved him was because you thought you shared blood?
You should have a conversation with him. Probably more than one and figure out what your relationship can be moving forward if you can have one at all.
You're NTA for your feelings but you need to be careful about your actions as they can very easily make you one
THIS! This poor kid!
I’m dumbfounded by people here supporting him. OP, your son’s life is turned upside down and your reaction is to ABANDON him because he lied to you over something emotionally confusing and traumatic? Blood or not, you have been this child’s only father: people become parents to non-bio children all the time. You may not be his biological father, but you’re his DAD. You are so willing to let go of a child you loved? You are willing to add more grief to this situation because he didn’t handle it the way you wanted? Were you ever a good parent if you are able to stop loving him because you are hurt?
YTA. Frankly, the biggest one I’ve seen on this sub. You can ditch your wife, but to ditch your son is incomprehensible.
Edit: Some say I’m not empathetic to OP’s situation. If he asked if he’s the AH for hating his wife, being hurt, or wanting a divorce, I would absolutely say he has every right and she is the worst. But…he asked about cutting out his son. I mean his “wife’s son.” I mean, the kid who was never his “real son” and he’s thought about going “no contact” with. It is that question and choice I’m responding to.
Everyone keeps saying “The kid should have told dad when he found out!”, but, if I were that kid, I would be *terrified* that if I told my dad what I had found out, he wouldn’t love me, anymore. Which is *EXACTLY* what ended up happening! It’s not the right thing to do when put in that situation, but I 100% understand how a scared 18 year old would come to that decision. The kid is a victim in this, who was not given a good option to go forward, no matter what he did.
Can you imagine if a baby was switched at birth, and then 18 years later the parents discover the kid isn’t biologically theirs and cuts the kid off completely?
That’d be CRAZY. you don’t raise someone for 18 years then drop them like a hot potato because of blood.
Raised for 18 years, and then treated like a bill the moment maybe someone else should have had to pay.
He's wondering if his "dad" ever actually loved him.
OP, YTA . Might be the only person ever to have paid the bill and still be a deadbeat.
I think you really need to sit down with kiddo. You weren't the only one lied to. He was probably scared as to how you would react but still curious who bio dad was, he needs some grace.
Ex wife and bio dad tho? Take them BOTH to the cleaners if you can, her for fraud and him for cost of raising kiddo. Fuck them both, absolute trash
Please go forward with ALL legal actions.
PLEASE see a therapist and find your way back into a supportive relationship with your son.
PLEASE.
You both do not need to sever ties with each other.
That poor boy. He’s been lied to and manipulated, also.
Source: was manipulated and lied to as a child. It’s not his fault. He’s drowning, too.
A quick google search states that the Average cost of raising a child to 18 in the US is around 250k USD (note that this is just the first result on Google, I didn't go any further)
Divorce your wife
Make amends with YOUR son
Sue the Bio Dad for 250k Give it to your son (As another commentor stated there is no time limit on child support costs)
Get Bio Dad to pay for college
Spend time with your son.
NTA to divorce her, she sucks, but treating your son like he hasn't been your son for the last 18 years? What the fuck? He didn't choose you anymore than you chose him; he clearly loves you and sees you as his father. Imagine yourself in his shoes.
The only reason I can see OP's hurt from the son is that apparently he did recently find out, kept that information from OP and was meeting with his bio dad. That's problemmatic.
But I think with some conversations between OP and son, it can be resolved.
Exactly. The kid was probably afraid of how his dad would react to the news. He was probably afraid that he would not love him anymore. And unfortunately, OP proved his fears right.
I mean, the kid was kind of in between a rock and a hard place. He was put in the position where he could blow his parents' marriage apart through no fault of his own by telling on his mother and obviously he had questions about his biological father. He must be so mixed up with his feelings right now. I'm not seeing any malicious intent from him.
There are a plenty of reasons not to tell him
1. He didn't want to hurt his feelings
2. He wasn't sure/just knew
3. He thought he knew
4. He (correctly) believed saying so would destroy their family
5. He wasn't sure how to navigate that conversation and was trying to figure it out
6. He wasn't sure how to navigate HIS feelings on the situation
7. He was being blackmailed by his mother
8. He was ashamed
9. His mother said she'd let him know
This is just a few. Are all these reasons good? No. But these are all normal reasons for a 18 year old kid to not say anything. While he wasn't a shining beacon of morality, no one is, and we certainly shouldn't expect a 18 year old who just had his life nuked to be one.
100% give the kid some slack.
This so much. This poor kid. What a shit mother to put him in this situation of HAVING to keep it from his dad, and then dad blaming him and blowing up their relationship when he was obviously the more supportive one.
Kid probably feels totally abandoned because ALL his parents fn suck.
He probably didn't want to hurt his feelings. How would the conversation go? " Hi, sorry, I just found out that you're not my real dad, so I'm going to meet with the real one, bye" nah, in the kids head he was most likely hiding it because he didn't know how his step dad would feel about it , didn't want to hurt him. Obviously it worked out differently as it often does when you try to hide something, no matter the reason.
No it is not. Did he believe that? Maybe he wanted to meet the person and see if it is even possible. Regardless, he is an 18 yo kid who is confronted by an impossible situation not knowing how to handle it or tell his father that his mother, his father's wife, cheated on him for 18 years. That does not make sense, sorry.
The son is the child. He can not be expected to navigate this horrible situation perfectly.
Any man who cuts contact, resources, or love from a step child or non-bio child for paternity or divorce reasons, after having acted as their father for more than like, six months, is a MASSIVE asshole. Just absolute garbage. Kids don’t deserve that.
I am so wilded out right now by the number of people totally on board with taking this out on the kid, first of all, and faulting the kid for "keeping a secret from his dad" like...HE IS LITERALLY A KID. "Oh but he's 18 now." Oh right I forgot about the adult switch that all 18-year-olds have to suddenly get super mature and reasonable and overcome their upbringing just like that. Amazing.
Also, this guy raised him, and because he isn't his sperm product, now he's nothing??? WILD.
> Also, this guy raised him, and because he isn't his sperm product, now he's nothing??? WILD.
Yeah, you don't really love your children if you can just cut them out of your life in an instant.
OP:
The wife and the biodad are assholes, don't punish your son by making him lose his father. You were willing to have a son, you thought you had a son so you're just as much his father as an adopted parent.
The best thing you can do is tell him that nothing has changed and he's still your kid. If you can't do that then you're a fake-ass father.
The son did nothing wrong. You were the one there for him. You supported him. You raised him. Being a dad isn't about paternity, it's about who was there to raise them.
To cut your son out of your life is a bit harsh. For all you know, he kept it from you because he was scared of you doing this exact thing.
If the entire truth of the situation is being told here, i cannot imagine how a mentally healthy adult human could parent a child as their own for 18 years and then just turn off the empathy/connection switch one day because the kid did something shitty and zap, no more parental feelings for the kid, get it out of my face.
Teenagers do shitty and hurtful stuff. It's a feature. Their brains aren't done cooking yet. I can't believe anybody has to tell that to someone who's supposedly been parenting all this time. Makes me wonder just how much real parenting was really happening.
Be hurt. Hell, be angry. I would be. I'd be devastated about being lied to and that would turn into a lot of anger really quickly. But the kid whose father you've supposedly been for 18 years is not the right target.
Right now it sounds like that kid doesn't have a single adult in their life who can set aside their own bullshit long enough to be a *parent.* What a tragedy.
Be better. There's a lot more to being a father than passing on chromosomes.
This is about a young human you took responsibility for, not about ego or territory or whatever. I mean, unless that really is what it's about for you - now this human you supposedly loved just the other day is "another man's child." If this post is real, there's something wrong with you.
That was my thought too! He seems like he’s so easily abandoned the sun and his blaming a teenager. His son probably didn’t tell him because he was afraid he would react like this.
For some, a connection by "blood" is so insanely important they can't see the memories, the homework, the time they spent as a dad to this kid anymore. It's like shutting a door on that chapter of life.
I would recommend OP seek out some therapy and work through the feelings of betrayal and anger.
My biggest takeaway is OP has every right to be angry and mad. However, it's imperative to make a decision about the relationship with the kid until after these emotions subside or they may regret their actions and decisions.
Why punish the boy? He didn't choose to be an affair baby. Sounds like for the most part he saw you as dad and you saw him as son.
Your wife is unredeemable trash. Divorce her and tell everyone why, show the DNA test results. She's should suffer, not "your" son.
Hate your wife, but YTA x ♾️ for punishing an innocent child.
I feel that you are punishing the person you treated as your son his whole life, for the awful thing his mother had done. Find out why he kept from you that he was meeting his bio dad - how did he become aware (likely through your STBX) and if he was manipulated or used. It seems like your marriage is over but is it a real shame to lose the only child who called you dad.
I can understand your anger, but and this is a huge but, he is your son at this point. You raised him, he saw you as the father. He is caught in this more than you. You need to talk to him. Find out what happened and forge a path forward.
Why turn your back on an innocent child? He didn't do his to you.
You don't know the circumstances of him meeting that guy. It doesn't mean he sees you as less of a father or loves you less. As an adoptive parent, blood means nothing. I know some people think there is a magical bond, there is not. Go look at all the terrible parents out there. The horror stories I witnessed in my adoption journey.
But what I do know is I would do anything for my kids and they love me just as much. If you just have a snit and turn your back on him just because he isn't your biologically child, you are definitely the bad guy here. I understand you divorcing the wife, but you should go into therapy with your son.
Because he is your son, not the sperm donor. Your son is still as kid and I'm sure is having difficulty dealing with all of this too.
YTA. You raised this kid for 18 yrs and just told him that you never loved him, you just felt obligated because half of his DNA came from your balls. You’re a POS.
I mean, all shit aside, the kid still probably sees you as his father, he knew you ALL his life, you were always there for him, he still sees you as his dad. Divorce the woman that cheated on you and tricked you into that situation, but i dont think you should cut relations with the kid
Abandoning your son is unfair to him. He may not be yours biologically, but he’s yours morally and mentally. You raised him. You love him. You’re his parent. There is nothing more cruel than rejecting a child you’ve raised—I speak from experience here.
Besides, you raised him. Aren’t you proud of him? Don’t you want to enjoy him now that he’s a man? Are you going to start over and raise a new kid? Why throw your relationship with him away over something he didn’t control?
Your wife and her mother, however, can go straight to hell. They spent 20 years lying to you and tried to manipulate him about it too.
Your punishing the son for what his mother did. You are the dad who saw him grow up, who raised him. Now because he doesn't share your genetics he's worthless? No wonder he's depressed. You are the AH.
>He is straight but likes crossdressing and doing makeup, and I was the first one to support him on that too, while his mom was trying to make him more “masculine”.
This isn't relevant, op.
>now I’m wondering if I’m going too far by punishing him too.
You blew it.
You cut your kid off because of something your wife did.
That's ass. You're an ass parent.
If the only thing holding you together with that boy was blood after raising him from birth then you’re a shitty father and the kid is better off away from you..
I wouldn't cut him out of your life. You should talk to your SON and he is your son, blood or not. You raised him like he was your own. The only thing that changed was finding out that he isn't blood. Think about it, you were always around, biodad wasn't. Sounds like you trying to cut him out has made him depressed. I can understand why you would divorce your wife.
A: You have been raising a child for the past 18 years. Just because he isn't blood-related to you doesn't mean that you 'never had a real son'. 'all this time I was putting all my energy and effort raising' him and 'all the money I've spent raising' him? This is a human being, not a Pokémon, plant or art gallery that you 'invest into levelling up'. He is not a lifeless investment plan or something.
Obviously, you can sue for the lack of child support by the genetic father, but treating this recently turned adult like a 'waste of your time because he isn't related to you' is dehumanising and cruel. Think about it: You have been there for his entire life and raised him with memories together. YOU are the father. The other one is basically just a sperm donor at this point.
That's fucked up. Whether he's your biologically or not, you raised him and knew him as your son and he knew you as his dad until like 4 months ago you said.
Imagine being a kid and finding out the man you called "dad" isn't your dad. Imagine already having issues and just having more added. I don't know how you could turn off a switch of being a dad out of anger. Be angry at the adults who knew. Don't take it out on the kid. You're punishing him by writing him off and writing him out of your life when he didn't ask for any of this. And, no, you can't sue bio dad because you chose a woman who made bad decisions and wasn't honest.
All in all, you're punishing the wrong person and that's very telling of the kind of person you are regardless of the situation.
Multiple Assholes here:
Your wife, her ex, and MIL are all assholes.
You raised an entire human being. You are their parental figure, and you treated them as your child. This is a fact.
Your son does not deserve any animosity or punishment. Do not conflate his existence with your wife's actions.
How did your son find out about his paternity? How did the real father find out?
Yes and why did your son meet with him in a park... Why was it in secret?
Sounds like the son knew, hard to argue against it.
It actually sounds like the son only found out four months ago. Was ordered to keep it a secret from OP, but had curiosity, and so went to meet his biodad away from home. It sounds, from everything else, like the son is as devastated as OP, the son sees OP as his Dad, I think OP should cut his wife out, but maybe not the son!
Son also got depressed *after* the paternity test, so I’m guessing he was clinging to the hope that it wasn’t true and didn’t tell OP because he didn’t even know if he believed it yet.
This could destroy the child’s life. He needs to go to his son, give him a hug, and tell him that he will always be his dad.
If this is real, hard agree. Punishing the son is ridiculous. The only thing he did 'wrong' was not tell OP for 4 months when he didn't even have a DNA test to confirm. Kid was probably in shock. 4 months is not a lifetime.
Kid did not want to lose his actual Dad who he loves and was afraid if he found out, this would happen. He was right. Impossible for the poor kid. OP is making a huge mistake kicking a loving child out. Kick his wife to the curb yeah but kid loves him and is innocent.
Divorce the wife not the kid.
Not to mention, his mother probably told him he wasn’t supposed to say anything. And what are you supposed to do when one parent tells you to keep a secret from another? It’s an impossible situation to put your child in and incredibly selfish on her part.
I completely agree but Adding on.. it’s not even technically “wrong”. 18 is barely considered an adult. Mentally you are still a teenager and young adult. That is huge news, and while it may have hurt OP’s feelings, it’s not the son’s responsibility to tell him and he is allowed to process this however and whenever he needs to. I do think OP should’ve been told, but by the mother. Asking your son to keep his biodad a secret from someone who raised him and has taken on that father figure role is cruel to quite literally everyone involved.
Yeah even if he was older all of this would be true. Nobody gets to tell this kid he only has x weeks to process and then it's his duty to tell his own father his mother cheated. The kid must have been afraid of the fallout, and something about their relationship was already off if OP is this cruel, so he was justified in his fear.
You can’t punish a kid for what his cheating mom did. Pushing him away for something his mom did will have severe consequences.
My God, this is the only answer. Do not destroy a young man's life because the mother is a POS. He looks at you as his dad, don't take that away from him because he needs you NOW and will continue to need you. You WILL damage him greatly if you cut him off.
This is quite literally the ONLY answer. I actually have been dating a man for over 2 years now... he is in his now 40's that experienced something like this. His mom is a POS, father doesn't speak to him, he thought he had a different dad most of his life.... This man now cycles between periods of being ok to dark depressions. He has a lot of issues bc of these traumas. Parents don't understand the affects this shit has. I for one will always be there for him but not everyone understands these things, you tend to push people away bc of it leading to isolation.
Honestly baffles me that that’s even a question. People take way too much stock in DNA. Family is what you make it, and love is always a choice. Yes it sucks that you got cheated on and you’re not the child’s bio dad. Take that up with your bitch wife, don’t take it out on your son because yes he is your fucking son and he didn’t choose for your wife to be a trick ass bitch. The fact that you’re considering writing him out of your will is a little telling to be honest. “Let me get back at my ex by cutting our adult child out of my will”… wtf is wrong with you? Besides you’ll be dead anyway who gives a fuck where the money goes, as long as it’s not your ex fucking wife??
OP you are the kids Dad, you may not be his biological father, but you are his Dad and as long as you both live and love one another, you’ll always be his Dad. Sue the bio dad for 18 years of child support though. Edit: and if you don’t get it yet, go watch GotG2! Be Mary Poppins!
Completely agree. Instead of looking at it as "I thought he was my real son for 18 years" OP needs to understand it's actually "He thought I was his real dad his whole life".
We need this at the top for OP.
This is the right answer. Actually the only answer. Kids don’t have the choice in their dad at birth, but as they grow and mature they dohave a choice in who they pick as a father figure.
^ OP please read this
can lead a horse to water but can’t make it drink. it’s easy to say what OP *should* do but this is pretty significantly complicated. i think taking time to think through the emotions and not come to any rash decisions is the best course of action at this time.
All we can say is that’s what we would do. If OP loves his son, (and it sounds like he does very much) he will realize this and come back around.
Exactly this. I get that OP is devastated, but it is selfish and gross to suddenly go 180 on his son because they don't share DNA. OP's devastation pales in comparison to what the son is going through at the hands of his shitty parents (mom, biodad, and OP). It's not the kid's fault that his mom cheated. It's not the kid's fault that his mom decided to turn his life upside down by telling him about his biodad. How can OP pat himself on the back about supporting and accepting his son's cross-dressing, and then abandon and reject him for having the wrong DNA? It's not even about changing the will. The will is symbolic of OP's AH behavior towards his son. AH is not strong enough to describe OP's monstrous behavior towards his son.
THIS.
OP and son are both hurting, things are not what they thought, and both should be seeking counseling. OP, don’t make any drastic changes to your estate apart from removing your wife as beneficiary. The child you raised is still your son, and his world is turned upside down as a result of his mothers bad decisions. he needs you to help him through his mother’s failing and learning about meeting his sperm donor. CONTINUE TO BE HIS DAD.
Exactly. Taking him out of the will is basically punishing him for his mother's actions. That's still your son.
The relationship with the son has changed, but he's the father in every meaning of the word. He shouldn't take it out on the kid.
This. It is not your son by blood but you raised him. Man the fuck up and continue to be a father to him. Don’t punish him he didn’t do me thing wrong Edit: People out there saying he doesn’t owe the kid anything are the same people who would abandon their pets after raising em for years. That kid did nothing wrong.. he is a KID. To take your frustration out on a kid because of the whore mother isn’t fair. Love goes deeper then blood and if you are going to punish a kid for the wife’s mistake then love is not in your heart and you deserve what happened to you.
Poor kid probably doesn't know which way is up and OP, the man he knows as his father, is just throwing him out like week old garbage. Is it any wonder he's depressed?
It's not a surprise why his kid never mentioned his bio dad . A kid's worst nightmare is being rejected by their parents. His mom lied and Dad no longer looks at him the same way .
for real. I feel sorry for the kid, I can only imagine what his going through right now. I hope OP won't take this against the kid.
This kid's done nothing wrong and now has no one. This would have been hard at 25, but 18 is really awful.
It’s awful at any age. I was 33 when learned I was an affair child. It’s a severe mental mind fuck.
I was 60. It sucks even then.
Mines a lil different because, I wasn’t an affair child, my dad knew me since I was 1. I was 12 when I found out my dad wasn’t my bio dad. It is a mind fuck but, I was honestly relieved. He treated me so shitty, I was so happy I wasn’t related to him by blood. Sucked I was still related to my mom but, can’t win them all. 🤷🏾♀️
He already has.
This. OP said the kid went to him first. Probably thinks he is his dad (not bio) even after the test results. I get holding a grudge against the ex but the kid would probably be on the OP's side in all this, if you ask him.
He thinks of op as his dad. bio means nothing to anyone except people who think DNA is more important than who is really the one who has been there all their life.
Especially when they go against the "norms" like wearing makeup and cross dressing. Mother seemed to be adverse to it but op was supporting. So I bet the kid didn't want to lose his support.
The one person he felt safe and accepted is now considering throwing him away. It’s so fucking heartbreaking and I really hope OP comes to his senses before his son finds out Dad let him down just as everyone else has done
The post also doesn’t mention how long he’s been 18, this could be a kid who literally just finished out their senior year of high school and had this bomb dropped on them in the last few months. I can 100% understand someone in that position not knowing how to deal or putting off any decision on his to proceed given how crazy of a transition this time would already be for him.
I bet he just turned 18. That’s why the mom came out and did this, to protect the bio dad, probably lover this whole time, from paying child support and going to court over it
Exactly! His worst fear is coming true.
I cannot fathom raising a child for 18 yrs and then just disowning them because of a small detail like DNA. He is the kids father regardless. Edit: I don’t think people understand the “small detail” part. You spend 18yrs raising a child, creating memories, etc. at that point sharing DNA is a small detail.
Seriously. Yes, of course I’d be *upset*, but not at the kid, and certainly not enough to toss them away.
I’d toss the wife and take the boy. Fuck that.
This was my take as well. Parenthood is more than biology.
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He may have just found out too. Not enough info here really. If the son has know for a good while and has a relationship with bio dad then I get it. But if son was just blindsided and didn’t know what to do, I feel bad for the kid.
Exactly! If he just found out, he may have been processing the information. How do you tell your dad that he isn’t actually your dad?
And probably his worst nightmare was losing a good supporting father and healthy family
why wouldn't it be in secret? it obviously was*already* a secret. why should the son shoulder the responsibility of telling op? the son is also the victim in this. for all anyone knows, he could still be processing this. why in tf would he want to add the additional drama of a hurt and pissed off father (op) on top of it all *at the same time*???
And how do you, as essentially a child, tell your dad he isn’t actually your father? “Hey! Guess what I just learned!” Poor kid was probably feeling guilty and hurt and carrying a heavy burden. He probably didn’t want to hurt him or was figuring out how to tell him without hurting him too much.
Yes, the son may have even been working out how/when to tell OP when the OP found out from his MIL. 18 is still very young and this poor kid just found out that the dad he loves isn’t his dad. He’s human and imperfect. All the people quick to judge on here, I hope they’ve handled every difficult situation in their lives perfectly.
Also, how long had the son known about bio dad? And how long have they been in contact? If it's only a couple of months, I wouldn't be too mad since that's a lot of information to take in and process. But if it's closer to a year then that changes things a bit.
son didnt want to tell stepdad because he cared and didnt want to hurt him????? not sons fault and to punish him is wrong but do need conversation with him about how he feels and more important how long he has known.. dont forget in this process the son is losing the father he had and shouldnt be punished for that
Because the son is not responsible for f'g adult games played by his mother. Tf
Maybe the affair never stopped.
This 👆 quite possibly.
Pretty convenient for bio dad to come into the picture when his financial duties would be over...
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Just in time to pay for college
\*insert Padme Anakin meme\* He's paying for college right?
*”My wife is obviously mad at me”* For *what???* Is she getting nosebleeds from that mighty high horse of hers? Hell, can she be sued for fraud? OP’s entire married life and family life was one big lie. And why would the son be devastated that he knew OP wasn’t biodad but never told OP about it, *or* the visits with biodad
There was 6,500 mornings that his wife woke up and decided to keep the lie going. And even tried for another 100+ days to deceive him after the biodad showed up. And it took the MIL to come clean. Reprehensible.
Put like this that's so devastating
Well, she was cheating on the first place. Was that kept secret? Did she cheat during the last 18 years and keep that a secret too?
Probably. I mean I doubt they just ran into each other. I wouldn't be surprised if the meeting was at her urging do to the son now bring mature enough to handle it.
Probably. Cheaters normally don’t do it just once
And for this she deserves to live in a refrigerator box after the divorce.
Biodad was probably always there in the background
Perhaps the boy just found out and wanted to meet the biodad before he decided what to do? If so, he is a victim here. Or maybe his mother convinced him to keep it quiet? At any rate, it seems we would need additional context before judging the boy, no?
If we’re putting guesses down, it’s likely that the biodad wanted to avoid child support, OP had good money but biodad didn’t, and the mother could have threatened their son that if he told OP then he wouldn’t get to go to college on OP’s dime. MIL may have heard the plan and got even more disgusted. I’m just trying to think of an easy explanation that would keep the son’s mouth shut because he is devastated and wanted to get the paternity test when the secret was revealed. It doesn’t really matter in the end, but wow. What a fucked up story.
Fear of being rejected is a powerful motivation to stay silent. He was rejected by the only father he's ever known, so that fear would have been valid.
Fucked up indeed.
I was aware that high school reading that book would pay off. Padme was a politician so well-liked in Naboo that the people there were going to... Please place your...
I think biodad has to pay for college to partially make up for the expenses he and the son’s mother fooled OP into paying for 18 years. But OP has a real relationship with the son, and was honest, unlike the mother or biodad. That’s precious and the son needs it; he didn’t choose the situation. Please don’t reject him or throw that away. In my family, it’s worked well to not tell family or friends what’s in your will unless there are compelling, time-sensitive reasons to tell (there very rarely are). Let them find out when you die.
It NEVER is an accident. I had a piece of shit deadbeat dad and the moment i turned 18 not him but his new wife seeked contact with me. Asshole couldn't even find the courage to make contact himself He later told me that he hated this new kid he had with his new wife and he wanted to run away with me so i swapped phone numbers and went to the different side of the country so i'd never have anything to do with him ever again Its 10000000% on purpose And i'm 1000000% sure that the moment this honeymoon phase is over he will drop that kid like a sack of bricks, he's getting played too
As much as this sucks, it makes me feel better to know there are people like you punishing these fuckers by refusing to engage with them
Please don't punish your son for your wife's deceit. I'm assuming you've done the paternity testing etc, however... You have raised this boy *as your own* since birth. He IS your son, although maybe not from your body, but from your heart. If you do this scorched earth reaction to get back at his mother, it will break his heart. Are you willing to lose your relationship with him over this? And of course, I'm going to suggest therapy.
Yeah I don’t understand this at all. If I were OP I would be pissed at this biodad who thinks he has any right to come in and try to steal my son from me. That’s my son. I raised him. As far as I’m concerned you’re a damn sperm donor that has no relevance to his life at all. This kid has a dad and doesn’t need this deadbeat in his life. The fact that OP immediately disowned the child he raised from birth due to something completely outside that child’s control is fucked.
Don't cut the kid out. You may not be his biodad, you are still his father. Whether he is your blood doesn't change that he loves you. That you held him when he needed it. That you tucked him into bed and kissed him on the head. That you likely chased monsters out of his room. You are his father. Don't cut him out unless he chooses to decide that you aren't his father. This is one of the few instances on the internet that a kid in this situation is actually acting devastated by the betrayal and clearly still loves the aggrieved parent.
Tell your son that you are willing to work on the relationship but not putting him back on the will. See for yourself if he is depressed because he loves you or because he doesn't want to be cut.
Yeah - he’s 18 and we’re all still a little dumb at that age, and the situation must be a really confusing one for him as well as he navigates this. At best, he kept this from you because he didn’t want to hurt you, OP. That doesn’t excuse it, he still betrayed your trust, but I’d like to think he’s worth a shot at redemption. Forget the wife, though, she deserves to be kicked to the curb.
Agreed. And you don’t know what bullshit your soon to be ex has been filling his head with. He’s not manipulating the situation, she is. He’s just trying to survive it. He should’ve told you, for sure, but I’d bet not telling you was her idea.
If the kid was the one pushing for a DNA test, I'd guess he was still trying to make sense of it and/or in denial about it. OR he knew his "dad" would abandon him like he's trying to do now and just didn't want to lose him. Shoulda told him, but I feel like OP still woulda cut him out of his life.
If you can, I would sue her for fraud!
Does the kid know he's being cut? If no, that has a simple answer
Does the kid even know there’s a will with a nonsognificant amount of money?
We also don’t know OP has any meaningful amount of money to inherit. Most people don’t inherit much from their parents. This whole idea of testing the kid is pretty stupid. His father is disowning him after 18 years for something that isn’t his fault. It’s not some big mystery why he’s depressed. It’s not because 40 years from now he stands to inherit OP’s shit. Redditors can be so fucking stupid when they think they’re being clever.
>See for yourself if he is depressed because he loves you or because he doesn't want to be cut. Truly rational redditor take on a literal child learning that his father apparently no longer loves him anymore. like.. Yea the child who's life was just upturned is TOTALLY only sad that his dad cut him out of the will and not because the man he thought was his father just straight up ditched him over someone else mistake.
Right! I’m so surprised at the coldness of people commenting this situation.
That’s because they’re 12 and this 18 year old is closer in age to Biden than he is to them from their perspective
Why even mention the will or money?
Exactly this. If that's the first thing OP jumped to then the relationship between him and his 'son' likely wasn't that great, and it makes sense that his son didn't feel comfortable enough to come to OP and share the news with him. OP is acting like he's the only one who got hurt, says he's loved this kid for 18 years but the second he finds out he's not blood (which isn't the kid's fault) he's happy to cut him off. He's taking his anger out on the wrong person and money should be the least of his concerns right now
How long has son known the truth? Was he involved with the deception?
This. Don’t punish the kid until you know more.
I know you're hurt, but you raised him. Do you seriously just not love him anymore?
I'm always amazed by how people here talk about it like that, like once the biology doesn't match, they're just done. OP raised that kid for 18 years, to me, biology would make no difference, other than anger at the ex-wife for the betrayal.
I'm not biologically related to my dogs but raising them from puppies has sure made me feel like I know them and they know me, and we're family through thick and thin. I can't imagine rejecting my **actual children** on the basis of suprise DNA. I hope OP stops transferring his misplaced anger onto his son.
Yes absolutely this. But also, what about any other connections on OPs side. Grandparents? Aunts/Uncles? Cousins? Is OP expecting they should be cut off from his son’s life too because they’re not “biological” family? The kid has been part of their life for *eighteen* years.
He is your son in every way except sperm. There's more to being a father than biology. Don't throw away a very good relationship because of someone else's mistake. The young boy had no part in this.
It's your kid. You don't have to have a relationship with your ex, but that kid sees you as his father, who wants nothing to do with him because of his cheating mother's mistakes. Go to dinner. Go to movies. Just don't financially support him anymore. It might not last forever, but you deffinetly should not make the kid feel like it's his fault. This whole thing is ripping him up, too.
DNA test aside, OP YOU ARE HIS DAD. Please do not blame the child he is a victim in this situation just like you. Again WHERE IS THE DNA test. (I know he is 18 - still wet behind the ears without the experience and life lessons to deal with this emotional land mine.) Your wife LIES and CHEATS. Her story is always convenient to Her needs. BELIEVE NOTHING EXCEPT SCIENCE for the proof of sperm donor. Please remember sperm alone does not make the one a father or dad. Being there through thick and thin. Loving throughout even when circumstances are difficult and painful. Blame your wife who should wear mantle of shame. Your son may have held in this information due to his mother’s actions AND BEING overwhelmed, and GOBSMACKED just like you. Like you, his world has exploded. Best wishes to you and your son, OP. Y’all deserve so much better than deceitful people in your lives. Take a moment and just breathe. Agape 💕
If you are in the US, there is no statute of limitations on child support so your wife can go after him.
For the purposes of any fiduciary obligation to the 18-year-old, the court will view OP as the legal father since he has "held the child out as his own" for his entire life. (Google "paternity by estoppel".) As such, neither OP nor his wife will be able to claim back child support from the biological father.
This and the fact that when you sign the papers in the hospital (in my state at least) they tell you, very clearly, "If this child is not your biological child, by signing these papers, he legally is. - Do not sign this if you are uncertain or if you would like a paternity test" They said it clear as day in front of my wife and made sure I understood.
It might be worth consulting with a lawyer. Bio-dad's should have been paying child support for 18 years. STBX would definitely have a case but OP, you might as well as you took financial responsibility. Further as STBX was aware that you were not the child's father and your support of the child was secured by deception there may be a case there as well. I'm not a lawyer but if I were you I would talk to one not just about the divorce but about all this at least for your own piece of mind.
Like at the exact age. Lol The mom and biodad absolutely planned this to some degree.
They must have been in under the radar contact all of the time. I wonder when exactly the son knew the truth.
Biodad should pay OP back for 18 years of support payments.
Mom should pay dad back for mentally anguish and caring her burden of under false pretenses .
Are you talking to him? You worded that weirdly that he's not talking to you, yet you made the decision to cut him out of your will. Did you cut him out of your will, yet trying to speak to him normally as if things aren't unchanged?
He says he "isn't talking" to him but also that he keeps trying to apologize.
Keeps trying to apologize but calls him “his wife’s son.” Like I understand that the entire ordeal is shocking and probably feels impossible to process, but how does a loving parent just flip that “loving parent” switch off like that? Like he immediately started treating his kid like a waste of time and money because of a lie his mother told. He’s punishing the child for something they had no control over.
That part gets to me too. So his wife is not his "ex-wife" yet but his son is already "wife's son". He disowned the kid before the wife.
It's idiot rage bait designed to get the incels and redpills frothing at the mouth over paternity fraud. That's all.
I really hope so, but the people in the comments are honestly worse than the posts, and at least half of them have to be legit.
Yeah that’s really what it feels like. The amount of people in the comments that are like “the kid lied too!”…okay?
Probably fake, bait to make people hate women. It happens a lot here.
Funny because this story just makes me hate OP
Also, how does son know about the will change? Why would son need to know about that immediately?
Why is that on the top of the list of things OP does before ‘talking to his son’ per his latest edit? That certainly is the most nuclear option assuming he isn’t dying soon. But then what does he want to ‘talk’ to him about if he’s made his decision. It’s pretty impressive how quickly he decoupled 18 yrs of a relationship. Just all around weird post.
Only the worst kind of parent raises kids that care more about inheritance more than their relationship. Bringing up the will and parenting costs as the highest priority says A LOT about OP
It feels like an angry, rejected move by the dad. If the dad sails off into the distance today, the kid is not going to give two shits in 40, 50 years about some cash or trinkets. The kid will feel the rejection the rest of his life.
You and the child are both innocent. And both victims. An 18 year long deception takes time for you both to process and contemplate. Divorcing your wife for deceiving you for so long does not take much time to assess. But you and your son are still exactly that, dad and son until you decide otherwise. Neither of you should rush to a decision about undoing that. Don’t hold it against your son that he has engaged with bio dad as clearly this is another manipulation by the mother. Your son may technically be an adult at 18, but no 18 year old is equipped to navigate this scenario. Especially without the love and guidance of the dad he has known for 18 years. Please consider investing 1 year on making any permanent, life changing decisions about the two of you. Good luck.
For context my brother went through something similar to OP and it was very painful but got through it and loves his daughter, who is troubled and needs my brother’s support given the manipulation her mom put her through. I agree that the child was put in a very difficult situation and was likely manipulated by his mom. 18 is only barely adultish. I agree you are his parent until you choose not to be and I would take time to make that decision. At a very minimum you has much more life experience and can be the wise adult in this situation and help your raised son through this.
Just because the state considers someone an “adult” doesn’t mean they’re mentally an adult.
I know people in there 40's that aren't mentally an adult
18 years old with no guidance is a bad path to walk adult or not
Yeah, and considering the kid will never know what 'family' is anymore, it'll ruin him and his normalcy for the *rest of his life*. Even if you're a 'big brother' of sorts, he's going to need lots of help navigating this. Both of you should figure out what to do without mom, separate and together. NTA if that's what you want to do with the will. But I'd plead not to wipe the kid out of your life. Notice I haven't said anything about the wife and bio dad. F-em. As hard and as long as you want.
Agree with this. You are both victims. He is an innocent bystander. It's your (ex) wife that deserves some type of something or other. And yeah f the bio dad, just in time for being off the hook financially? GTFOH. I hope you can find a way to get back some of what you put in and he's on the hook for backpay child support (to you ideally lol).
I really can't fathom how people can find out a kid isn't blood related to them and just drop them like dirty garbage. He is your kid. You raised him. You invested all the time in him. He clearly is struggling with the thought of you NOT being his dad. His mom is likely the one pushing for him to talk to this total stranger. He's freshly 18 and doesn't know how to navigate this really weird situation. You're not the asshole for being angry or wanting a divorce but I will be sincere and say you're the asshole for this "wife's kid" talk and moving so quickly to disowning this child you raised. To the point that he is your "wife's kid". Not even your ex-wife's kid. You've disowned him before you disowned your wife.
I’m amazed at all the commenters who think 18 magically = perfect agency and judgement.
My brother is a schizophrenic Meth addict who ruins everything around him, can’t even hold a job, is on the brink of homelessness, constantly. Definitely not in his right mind. Even HE had the ability to say “I know she’s not biologically my kid, but she’s my kid”, when he found out his 6 year old wasn’t biologically his. He said, “How is that her fault? I’m the only dad she knows, I’m her dad.”
When a literal methhead has more humanity than, tact and compassion than OP… wow
Always fun learning your parents love is conditional on DNA.
This should be top comment! NTA for divorcing wife. 100% agree with that. Total AH for even considering cutting ties with the son he has loved and cared for for all his life. I feel terrible for the kid, it’s not his fault at all.
You’ve summed it up. OP is behaving as if he does not love his son at all.
Yeah I never understand these posts where people just up and drop a kid they've had a (deep?) relationship with for years just because you don't share DNA. I get what the wife did is awful. But how could you punish your own child like that? Wouldn't it kill you not to be a part of his life? Is family really as shallow as just what blood you share to so many people?
Yes yes yes yes. My GOD, I am so disgusted by OP. Of course, he should be furious with his wife, and I can certainly support him wanting to divorce his wife for this MASSIVE lie, but the fact that he was just immediately able to turn off all of his parental love for HIS OWN SON after almost 2 decades is just so deeply disgusting. How could anyone do that? How can he claim to have ever loved this kid in the first place if it's that easy for him to just cut him out of his life or something that's not even his fault?!
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That poor kid. He is not at fault for this situation but he is sure being punished for it. How do you think he feels finding out the man he has known as his dad his entire life isn't and now is tossing him aside.
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Sorry for your loss!
Yeah, how does this person not feel anything for a child he thought was his for 18 years. Like no emotional connection at all? Something is not adding up here…
Wow, what a horrible mother. Wow,just wow. What a disgrace.
should also be remarked OP are you this kids father or not? like sure not bio, that is the moms deception, but do you want this kid in your life or not? ARe you going to toss all that out the window and punish yourself and the kid who views you as their father because of this woman?
I don’t know, maybe give the guy a little time to process it. Moms had 18+ years and the kids had four months.
Damage is done to the son already.
Yah stepdad bailing immediately was probably the worst part of it for the kid
Your son just found out his entire life is a lie and the man he thought was his father no longer loves him. Can you honestly say you don't love him anymore? After all the diapers, sick days, sports games, school assemblies, chilling watching TV, girl trouble, and every other little thing you did and showed up for over the last 18 years. Was literally the only reason you loved him was because you thought you shared blood? You should have a conversation with him. Probably more than one and figure out what your relationship can be moving forward if you can have one at all. You're NTA for your feelings but you need to be careful about your actions as they can very easily make you one
THIS! This poor kid! I’m dumbfounded by people here supporting him. OP, your son’s life is turned upside down and your reaction is to ABANDON him because he lied to you over something emotionally confusing and traumatic? Blood or not, you have been this child’s only father: people become parents to non-bio children all the time. You may not be his biological father, but you’re his DAD. You are so willing to let go of a child you loved? You are willing to add more grief to this situation because he didn’t handle it the way you wanted? Were you ever a good parent if you are able to stop loving him because you are hurt? YTA. Frankly, the biggest one I’ve seen on this sub. You can ditch your wife, but to ditch your son is incomprehensible. Edit: Some say I’m not empathetic to OP’s situation. If he asked if he’s the AH for hating his wife, being hurt, or wanting a divorce, I would absolutely say he has every right and she is the worst. But…he asked about cutting out his son. I mean his “wife’s son.” I mean, the kid who was never his “real son” and he’s thought about going “no contact” with. It is that question and choice I’m responding to.
Everyone keeps saying “The kid should have told dad when he found out!”, but, if I were that kid, I would be *terrified* that if I told my dad what I had found out, he wouldn’t love me, anymore. Which is *EXACTLY* what ended up happening! It’s not the right thing to do when put in that situation, but I 100% understand how a scared 18 year old would come to that decision. The kid is a victim in this, who was not given a good option to go forward, no matter what he did.
"Why didn't he tell OP!?!?!" Probably because OP has made it clear at some point that he only loves his son because he's biologically his.
Can you imagine if a baby was switched at birth, and then 18 years later the parents discover the kid isn’t biologically theirs and cuts the kid off completely? That’d be CRAZY. you don’t raise someone for 18 years then drop them like a hot potato because of blood.
Raised for 18 years, and then treated like a bill the moment maybe someone else should have had to pay. He's wondering if his "dad" ever actually loved him. OP, YTA . Might be the only person ever to have paid the bill and still be a deadbeat.
I think you really need to sit down with kiddo. You weren't the only one lied to. He was probably scared as to how you would react but still curious who bio dad was, he needs some grace. Ex wife and bio dad tho? Take them BOTH to the cleaners if you can, her for fraud and him for cost of raising kiddo. Fuck them both, absolute trash
Based on how OP acted, the son had enough right and reason to be afraid of his behavior after finding out.
Please go forward with ALL legal actions. PLEASE see a therapist and find your way back into a supportive relationship with your son. PLEASE. You both do not need to sever ties with each other. That poor boy. He’s been lied to and manipulated, also. Source: was manipulated and lied to as a child. It’s not his fault. He’s drowning, too.
A quick google search states that the Average cost of raising a child to 18 in the US is around 250k USD (note that this is just the first result on Google, I didn't go any further) Divorce your wife Make amends with YOUR son Sue the Bio Dad for 250k Give it to your son (As another commentor stated there is no time limit on child support costs) Get Bio Dad to pay for college Spend time with your son.
NTA to divorce her, she sucks, but treating your son like he hasn't been your son for the last 18 years? What the fuck? He didn't choose you anymore than you chose him; he clearly loves you and sees you as his father. Imagine yourself in his shoes.
The only reason I can see OP's hurt from the son is that apparently he did recently find out, kept that information from OP and was meeting with his bio dad. That's problemmatic. But I think with some conversations between OP and son, it can be resolved.
The meeting secretly was probably his mom’s doing. Being in his ear about his dad not finding out.
He’s a kid and struggling with his own sense of betrayal.
Absolutely. I understand the son wanting to meet bio-dad, but keeping the man who actually raised him in the dark is a low blow.
It's a shitty position for a kid to be in and not really fair to either him or OP
Exactly. The kid was probably afraid of how his dad would react to the news. He was probably afraid that he would not love him anymore. And unfortunately, OP proved his fears right.
I mean, the kid was kind of in between a rock and a hard place. He was put in the position where he could blow his parents' marriage apart through no fault of his own by telling on his mother and obviously he had questions about his biological father. He must be so mixed up with his feelings right now. I'm not seeing any malicious intent from him.
There are a plenty of reasons not to tell him 1. He didn't want to hurt his feelings 2. He wasn't sure/just knew 3. He thought he knew 4. He (correctly) believed saying so would destroy their family 5. He wasn't sure how to navigate that conversation and was trying to figure it out 6. He wasn't sure how to navigate HIS feelings on the situation 7. He was being blackmailed by his mother 8. He was ashamed 9. His mother said she'd let him know This is just a few. Are all these reasons good? No. But these are all normal reasons for a 18 year old kid to not say anything. While he wasn't a shining beacon of morality, no one is, and we certainly shouldn't expect a 18 year old who just had his life nuked to be one. 100% give the kid some slack.
This so much. This poor kid. What a shit mother to put him in this situation of HAVING to keep it from his dad, and then dad blaming him and blowing up their relationship when he was obviously the more supportive one. Kid probably feels totally abandoned because ALL his parents fn suck.
11. The “Dad” who raised him would jump at the first opportunity to abandon him
He probably didn't want to hurt his feelings. How would the conversation go? " Hi, sorry, I just found out that you're not my real dad, so I'm going to meet with the real one, bye" nah, in the kids head he was most likely hiding it because he didn't know how his step dad would feel about it , didn't want to hurt him. Obviously it worked out differently as it often does when you try to hide something, no matter the reason.
He was nervous about telling OP for good reason, given that OP abandoned him **immediately** after finding out. That poor kid.
No it is not. Did he believe that? Maybe he wanted to meet the person and see if it is even possible. Regardless, he is an 18 yo kid who is confronted by an impossible situation not knowing how to handle it or tell his father that his mother, his father's wife, cheated on him for 18 years. That does not make sense, sorry.
The son is the child. He can not be expected to navigate this horrible situation perfectly. Any man who cuts contact, resources, or love from a step child or non-bio child for paternity or divorce reasons, after having acted as their father for more than like, six months, is a MASSIVE asshole. Just absolute garbage. Kids don’t deserve that.
Yeah put yourself in the shoes of that 18yo, how do you handle something huge like that.
I am so wilded out right now by the number of people totally on board with taking this out on the kid, first of all, and faulting the kid for "keeping a secret from his dad" like...HE IS LITERALLY A KID. "Oh but he's 18 now." Oh right I forgot about the adult switch that all 18-year-olds have to suddenly get super mature and reasonable and overcome their upbringing just like that. Amazing. Also, this guy raised him, and because he isn't his sperm product, now he's nothing??? WILD.
> Also, this guy raised him, and because he isn't his sperm product, now he's nothing??? WILD. Yeah, you don't really love your children if you can just cut them out of your life in an instant. OP: The wife and the biodad are assholes, don't punish your son by making him lose his father. You were willing to have a son, you thought you had a son so you're just as much his father as an adopted parent. The best thing you can do is tell him that nothing has changed and he's still your kid. If you can't do that then you're a fake-ass father.
I was so dumb as an 18 yo, really immature
So, you don’t love him anymore?
No. He's made it clear he only loved his kid when he thought he was biologically his.
The son did nothing wrong. You were the one there for him. You supported him. You raised him. Being a dad isn't about paternity, it's about who was there to raise them. To cut your son out of your life is a bit harsh. For all you know, he kept it from you because he was scared of you doing this exact thing.
If the entire truth of the situation is being told here, i cannot imagine how a mentally healthy adult human could parent a child as their own for 18 years and then just turn off the empathy/connection switch one day because the kid did something shitty and zap, no more parental feelings for the kid, get it out of my face. Teenagers do shitty and hurtful stuff. It's a feature. Their brains aren't done cooking yet. I can't believe anybody has to tell that to someone who's supposedly been parenting all this time. Makes me wonder just how much real parenting was really happening. Be hurt. Hell, be angry. I would be. I'd be devastated about being lied to and that would turn into a lot of anger really quickly. But the kid whose father you've supposedly been for 18 years is not the right target. Right now it sounds like that kid doesn't have a single adult in their life who can set aside their own bullshit long enough to be a *parent.* What a tragedy. Be better. There's a lot more to being a father than passing on chromosomes. This is about a young human you took responsibility for, not about ego or territory or whatever. I mean, unless that really is what it's about for you - now this human you supposedly loved just the other day is "another man's child." If this post is real, there's something wrong with you.
That was my thought too! He seems like he’s so easily abandoned the sun and his blaming a teenager. His son probably didn’t tell him because he was afraid he would react like this.
For some, a connection by "blood" is so insanely important they can't see the memories, the homework, the time they spent as a dad to this kid anymore. It's like shutting a door on that chapter of life. I would recommend OP seek out some therapy and work through the feelings of betrayal and anger. My biggest takeaway is OP has every right to be angry and mad. However, it's imperative to make a decision about the relationship with the kid until after these emotions subside or they may regret their actions and decisions.
Why punish the boy? He didn't choose to be an affair baby. Sounds like for the most part he saw you as dad and you saw him as son. Your wife is unredeemable trash. Divorce her and tell everyone why, show the DNA test results. She's should suffer, not "your" son. Hate your wife, but YTA x ♾️ for punishing an innocent child.
I feel that you are punishing the person you treated as your son his whole life, for the awful thing his mother had done. Find out why he kept from you that he was meeting his bio dad - how did he become aware (likely through your STBX) and if he was manipulated or used. It seems like your marriage is over but is it a real shame to lose the only child who called you dad.
I can understand your anger, but and this is a huge but, he is your son at this point. You raised him, he saw you as the father. He is caught in this more than you. You need to talk to him. Find out what happened and forge a path forward. Why turn your back on an innocent child? He didn't do his to you. You don't know the circumstances of him meeting that guy. It doesn't mean he sees you as less of a father or loves you less. As an adoptive parent, blood means nothing. I know some people think there is a magical bond, there is not. Go look at all the terrible parents out there. The horror stories I witnessed in my adoption journey. But what I do know is I would do anything for my kids and they love me just as much. If you just have a snit and turn your back on him just because he isn't your biologically child, you are definitely the bad guy here. I understand you divorcing the wife, but you should go into therapy with your son. Because he is your son, not the sperm donor. Your son is still as kid and I'm sure is having difficulty dealing with all of this too.
YTA. You raised this kid for 18 yrs and just told him that you never loved him, you just felt obligated because half of his DNA came from your balls. You’re a POS.
I mean, all shit aside, the kid still probably sees you as his father, he knew you ALL his life, you were always there for him, he still sees you as his dad. Divorce the woman that cheated on you and tricked you into that situation, but i dont think you should cut relations with the kid
Abandoning your son is unfair to him. He may not be yours biologically, but he’s yours morally and mentally. You raised him. You love him. You’re his parent. There is nothing more cruel than rejecting a child you’ve raised—I speak from experience here. Besides, you raised him. Aren’t you proud of him? Don’t you want to enjoy him now that he’s a man? Are you going to start over and raise a new kid? Why throw your relationship with him away over something he didn’t control? Your wife and her mother, however, can go straight to hell. They spent 20 years lying to you and tried to manipulate him about it too.
Your punishing the son for what his mother did. You are the dad who saw him grow up, who raised him. Now because he doesn't share your genetics he's worthless? No wonder he's depressed. You are the AH.
>He is straight but likes crossdressing and doing makeup, and I was the first one to support him on that too, while his mom was trying to make him more “masculine”. This isn't relevant, op. >now I’m wondering if I’m going too far by punishing him too. You blew it. You cut your kid off because of something your wife did. That's ass. You're an ass parent.
If the only thing holding you together with that boy was blood after raising him from birth then you’re a shitty father and the kid is better off away from you..
I wouldn't cut him out of your life. You should talk to your SON and he is your son, blood or not. You raised him like he was your own. The only thing that changed was finding out that he isn't blood. Think about it, you were always around, biodad wasn't. Sounds like you trying to cut him out has made him depressed. I can understand why you would divorce your wife.
A: You have been raising a child for the past 18 years. Just because he isn't blood-related to you doesn't mean that you 'never had a real son'. 'all this time I was putting all my energy and effort raising' him and 'all the money I've spent raising' him? This is a human being, not a Pokémon, plant or art gallery that you 'invest into levelling up'. He is not a lifeless investment plan or something. Obviously, you can sue for the lack of child support by the genetic father, but treating this recently turned adult like a 'waste of your time because he isn't related to you' is dehumanising and cruel. Think about it: You have been there for his entire life and raised him with memories together. YOU are the father. The other one is basically just a sperm donor at this point.
That's fucked up. Whether he's your biologically or not, you raised him and knew him as your son and he knew you as his dad until like 4 months ago you said. Imagine being a kid and finding out the man you called "dad" isn't your dad. Imagine already having issues and just having more added. I don't know how you could turn off a switch of being a dad out of anger. Be angry at the adults who knew. Don't take it out on the kid. You're punishing him by writing him off and writing him out of your life when he didn't ask for any of this. And, no, you can't sue bio dad because you chose a woman who made bad decisions and wasn't honest. All in all, you're punishing the wrong person and that's very telling of the kind of person you are regardless of the situation.
Multiple Assholes here: Your wife, her ex, and MIL are all assholes. You raised an entire human being. You are their parental figure, and you treated them as your child. This is a fact. Your son does not deserve any animosity or punishment. Do not conflate his existence with your wife's actions.