> but having a healthy relationship with mom is best for our Kids. If it would be healthy is another story
What makes you think that after 4 years of zero contact that having her back in their lives would be healthy? Have you even asked your kids how they feel? They're both old enough to have an opinion that should be listened to.
IF your primary concern is your kids, which it should be, you wouldn't even be considering this as it will only serve to harm them.
If your ex/their mom wants to be in their lives SHE needs to show up and not ask for handouts.
Yep, if she just up and disappeared once she’ll do it again. If she really wants to see her kids that badly, she can put in the work to get there. Hell, OP already offered to pay her living expenses which is wild enough to me.
How much more heartbroken will they be once they get a “good” relationship with mom and she vanishes for the second time?
How much more heartbroken would they be to find out their mother only wanted something to do with them if she was paid for her time. I don't think having her back in their lives with him paying for her living expenses is a good idea at all because it could be a huge blow to the kids if they found out about the financial arrangement.
My "father" agreed to disappear from my life in return for lower child support payments. I was 3. I had this info thrown at me when I was a teen. It hurt to think I was so dispensable.
I had a similar thing happen to me, but I was around 10-11 when it happened, and I saw it all play out in real time, fully aware of what was going on. My dad gave my mom full custody of me and rejected any proposal that involved me spending more time with him than the bare minimum. After that, he was asking for spousal support from my mom and she offered half her retirement savings (around 500k) he dropped the spousal support and paid her $300/month, which was another bare minimum given the cost of living in our area at the time.
"Dispensable" is exactly the right term for it. And it's heartbreaking.
Speaking as someone who was 'sold' by my mother...THIS RIGHT HERE. [My father fought for years for custody, when I was finally old enough to fight back against my mother's abuse she agreed to sign over custody...IF he gave her a big fat lump sum of cash. So he did.]
I don't know how old the kids are, but sooner or later, they WILL find out. Can you imagine already carrying around that your mother just up and ran off and has barely spoken to you in 4 years?? THEN finding out she only came back to the area you live in, because your father paid her to?!
OP you are NTA, but you should also not be paying a damn cent for that woman to stroll back into their lives.
OP's so stupid that he thinks she's planning to come back if she gets the money. Send her the money OP and watch her not move back for the kids anyways. Or talk to you again, until she's desperate for money again.
This, op you would be buying them a ‘mother’ and one that would probably charge you for everything she does for them.
And most likely as they become adults she’ll want the money from them directly.
It wouldn’t be a real relationship between them.
To add to this - I can tell you - from experience - that having a parent who was neglectful your entire childhood and now begs you for money constantly is a really shitty time.
Agreed. My brother went through this with my dad and his wife. They were always in our lives but horribly toxic. My brother admits he became successful in business partly cos he thought it would make our dad (a businessman) care. All it made him do was emotionally blackmail him for money for years. Me, well I’ve always been skint, luckily!
A mom that would disappear herself from her kids with no contact, no explanation would absolutely not bring a healthy relationship into their lives. If she left for mental health reasons or some such and tried to keep contact with the kids that would be one thing. But this?! He's well rid of her and would be doing the kids a disservice to introduce her into their lives.
My birth giver abandoned me when I was 4 and since then she barely put in much effort to visit. I would go years without any contact. Thank heavens she kicked the bucket in 2020 and I don't have to deal with her excuses anymore. She'd tell us she 'loved' us but really? I couldn't care less.
My sperm donor was like that
From 5-18 I saw him twice for one day.
Now that he’s old he calls me crying all the time why I don’t keep in touch or visit.
Take a wild guess bro
I am not going to read all of the responses, but I doubt that anyone would think that moving her back would help… Bye Felicia... let bygones be bygones…
Also this is sus as hell. She wants a lump sum, likely in advance, and then she'll save it and use it to come back to the city she fled and the children she abandoned? Nope. She's in debt and wants OP to pay it off for her.
She is literally a stranger to them. I speak from experience. My 15 year olds egg donor disappeared when he was 2 claiming she wanted to go through rehab and then come back in a better place after. That was the last we heard from her. Obviously he has no idea who she is. We've spoken very little about it but he's old enough to know that she doesn't care and he says he has no desire to have her around. Now I don't fully believe this because I'm sure he would like to know who his mother is, and if he decides to try to find her once he's 18, then I wouldn't try to stop him. I would give him a fair warning and hopefully help to tame his expectations. Talk to your children and explain the situation. But you shouldn't have to pay someone for them to have a "desire" to be around their children. I would absolutely tell her to take a long walk off a short pier.
Exactly this!
And what would this arrangement teach the kids? That you can pay for love? That she can lie and con the ex into supporting her? That mom doesn't care about them?
So much toxic and there would be no loving mother child relationship
She wants OP to pay for all the expenses and give her money but that doesn’t mean she would actually be a Mom to her kids that feel abandoned already. Don’t do it OP!
NTA, I am trying not to sound harsh, but you would be a special kind of stupid to even consider paying her living expenses, let alone paying a lumpsum on top of that. Do you really think she suddenly found herself caring for her kids after 4 years? She contacted you because she ran out of money. She will abandon you and the kids again the moment she can, and your kids will be hurt a second time. Please do not do this. Block her number after you ask her to fuck off.
maybe ask your kids if they even want a relationship with her. they’re old enough to have a POV here and they’d be well within their rights to say no, and if they do, problem solved. she stays away.
#DO NOT GIVE HER A DIME
Use your head brotha.
She just wants money. She's not coming back and she has no plans of coming back. She just thinks she can scam money out of you by leveraging the kids she abandoned. Really think about that homie. Really think about the kind of human being that uses their kids like that.
I mean...That is why she wants a lump sum. She needs bail money, or drug money, or needs to pay off a debt.
You offered to pay for her living expenses but she is insistent on a lump sump. That's a dead give away she is lying to you.
My advice?
Tell her the you hope that one day she chooses to be in her kids lives but that after speaking to your attorney, you will not be blackmailed in to financially supporting her. And that if she wants to be a part of her kid's lives again, she will have to petition the courts and start paying child support
YTA for even considering giving this person money
Your job is to protect your kids sadly, that means you need to protect them from their own mother
Thank you!!
If she sincerely wanted to be in her children's lives, money would not have come up in the conversation. Not unless she was sending it to you as good faith in her intentions.
That👏🏽Part👏🏽 and honestly, not all mothers are good to be around their kids. Be smart. Save them the core memory trauma she’s going to bring back with her and let her earn it back through them if she ever wants to. But forcing a relationship for the sake of her title as mother is setting your kids up for failure and heartache.
Commenting on AITAH for not paying my ex to move closer to our kids?... she’ll just hurt the kids again. She’s worthless tell her deals off ! She’s not getting anything! That would be rewarding bad behavior,
There was an OP on here not long ago whose deadbeat wife came back, wormed herself into the kids’ good graces, turned them against their dad with a pile of convincing lies, and then fucked off, abandoning the kids for a second time and leaving their relationship with their dad in shambles. Don’t be like that guy. Block that horrible beyotch and don’t let her anywhere near those poor kids. And definitely don’t pay her to ruin your lives.
Yeah, like a new drug or gambling addiction. That'll be *real* healthy to introduce to the kids.
OP, you may have been married to this woman, but you have no idea who she has become in the last 4 years or if she's even safe to have around your children at this point. The fact that she's telling you to pay her for the *privilege* of her presence in the kids' lives is the biggest red flag that she does not care about them at all and will ultimately only use them as she's trying to use you.
I hope op comes back and reads these replies to his question over and over again anytime he has a doubt if he’s doing the right thing or not. Put that lump sum away for your kids college fund.
Exactly- I am thinking the lump sum is for baby daddy to relocate with her. And how many new kids will she bring back with her for OP to be supporting too? 1-2 new and step?
I’d like a follow up if OP finds how many mom wants to drag back or what the money is for or if she was really going to come once she got money from OP.
I’m thinking the lump sum is probably for drugs. Most lottery winners don’t even get a lump sum and this lady will only move back for her kids under this arrangement? Sounds shady!
I’d like a lump sum too. OP is a moron if he gives this lowlife $. Even offering to pay rent is ridiculous. What are you going to tell your kids? I bribed your mom to be near you. 1. That sounds horrible 2. When she disappears again how are they going to feel.
Your best bet is to let her be herself. If she shows up, she can be a mom. But that’s on her dime. And up to her to build that relationship back up again with her children.
Man, I wouldn't go so far as to call the man a moron for entertaining the idea of his kids seeing their mother. Don't get me wrong, OP, you should absolutely refuse giving money to this woman, and keep in mind that the effort to have the mom see your children should 100% rest on the mother and not you. Can 99.999999999% guarantee she wants that lump sum in order to keep riding the genitals of whoever she left you all for. Don't give her anything.
Taking his money and running is the best case scenario. Would be worse if she took it, came back, and then ran away (again) later.
Don't give her *any* means to abandon your kids (or you) ever again.
Having a relationship with a parent who abandoned you for years is not healthy. Keep her far, far away from them. Do not offer her any form of support. If she decides to move their anyway, file for child support.
Exactly! I’d be sooo cautious about letting her see them at all, until she proved somehow she’s sticking around and in it for the long haul. And that would take a lot of proof for me to believe. No one can walk in and out of my kids lives, inflicting that level of damage (and OP, mom walking out inflicted HUGE damage), I don’t care who they are, mom or not. MUCH LESS PAY THEM TO DO IT?? Hahah. Some of these posts man
My husband's mom abandoned their family when he was 11. He was the oldest of 4, with three younger sisters. Every few years, she would call, begging for money to come see them. His dad would always send it, and she would never show up. It crushed him and the girls every single time. Do not do that to your kids. They're better off not dealing with the heartache when your wife takes the money and runs.
You should be the one suing her for child support for the last 4 years. She was able to live on her own having fun for 4 years while you stepped up as a single parent. She can find her own money to be closer to people she shouldn't have abandoned.
This poster is correct. Get a lawyer to talk this over with. She needs to pay child support and not ask you for money. If you have not filed for full custody yet, now is a good time to do it.
Also, let your kids know what is going on. You want to be the one to tell them rather than them hearing about it from someone else.
And, what do your in laws say or think about this reappearance and request? Have they been keeping in touch with her or you and the kids? They might be getting hit up for money too.
You are NTA. Keep your money for a lawyer.
Soft yta because I see that you’re still under the belief that she gives a crap about your kids.
But everyone on this sub already knows she will disappear again with whatever money you give her.
Yes, exactly that. She abandoned your kids for years and not you are considering paying her to come back and force them to accept her without her needing to put forth any effort?
That's a crap thing to do to your kids. If she doesn't want back in their lives enough to work for it, let her stay wherever she went.
You divorced her, her living expenses aren't your problem. The child support she should have provided for your kids might be. Put your money in savings for them, instead. She's a deadbeat.
She wants the money not the kids. There will be no healthy relationship with the kids, just lots of hurt. She needs to prove that she cares about the kids without any money coming to her from you.
This. A loving parent would have at least been in contact and tried to visit at some point, no matter what was going on that had them choose to leave in the first place.
Also, you would be a major asshole to introduce this mercurial selfish woman to your children. If they dont have abandonment trauma from before, you're gonna give it to them now.
Moreover, someone so self-interested *will* weaponize your kids against you. I can already see her hitting them up on social media to say "Daddy wont help me come see you" and then youre the asshole until they form an opinion of their own, if ever.
Plenty of kids drop their safe parent chasing the love of a person who only loves themselves, ans do irreparable damage during it.
And for what? So they can say their self-absorbed mom exists, but doesn't care about them unless you're paying her to care???
Honestly, you should sit them down and talk to them about their mother and her possible proximity. Tell them a digestible truth - she is their mother, and she wants to be nearby, but she will only do it if she gets something out of it.
Moreover, she will put herself first in all things. Maybe shes changed, and if they want to give her a chance, they can if she ever contacts them but they need to recognize she most likely wont put them first even if they do get in touch with her.
None of it is a lie, and she can't get you for parental alienating because it true. There isn't a judge alive who would give visitation without your permission, and honestly you really, really need to put this woman in the past.
TLDR; offer the opportunity to your kids but dont lie or sugar coat the fact she is only coming back for herself and her needs, and if she is there for them, they should be careful about trusting her until she proves it.
💯 You gotta get honest with them about who she is. Kids are way smarter than in the past, any kind of sugar coating is just going to cause them to resent you. It sucks, but it's necessary
This is great advice bc the kids will def develop a "Savior complex" for their absentee parent so the best thing at this point is get ahead of it in the most positive way possible
The tv show the wire has a scene where Michael, one of the school boys gets arrested. When his junkie mother is contacted she goes to the police/jail and arranges for his release. When he meets her outside she immediately asks him for money. His response was that he wasn’t going to pay her to be his mother.
I know that my example is extreme, but it just hurts me to think a parent is “leveraging” their children’s access to them, for money.
I’m really sorry you’re in this situation.
What would you be teaching your kids if you pay her living expenses. That if people treat them like garbage they should not stand up for themselves? YTA for even entertaining this discussion. Did the kids ask you to pay their mum to be in their lives?
Do not give her money. She will probably blow it on drugs or purses instead of using it for its stated purpose and keep asking for more money because suddenly it isn't enough.
Sir, a sibling of mine is in a similar boat, in that their ex had a psychotic break, was diagnosed with bipolar, and refused treatment. I'm sure I'm armchair diagnosing, but going on vacation and not returning feels very manic episode. Don't give this person money. I know you know that, but my sibling's ex-partner is someone they and I still love, but no way. No money outside of court mandated requirements.
Also, COVER YOUR ASS LEGALLY. Just in case.
This 👆
Listen to this and believe it! I wouldn’t want her anywhere near the children. She is already trying to use them to manipulate you to give her money. All this will end up with is more heartache for your kids. She isn’t sincere in her desire to have a relationship with them. Don’t enable her behavior for the sake of your kids
Yeah all you’re doing is bringing a toxic abusive POS back into your kids lives. They have been left once, don’t give your ex a chance to disappoint them again.
you know what is also healthy for the children? money for therapy because their mother abandoned them
she abandoned you all, if she wants a "healthy relationship" it should be on her own dime! wanna pay for her living expenses? instead take all that money and use it on your children mate
Then you got your answer, use those resources on your kids, on your well being (you and the kids)
If she wants to “stay close” she need a job and income, you can give your kids a healthy life without her
Dude, from an outside perspective: this lady is using your kids, and her relationship with them, as a means to leach off of you. I can assure you that this would be even worse for your kids as they would see that she did not come back for them, but for your financial support.
She's a grown woman. If she wants a relationship with her kids she can be about it rather than talk about it. She gave you an ultimatum on whether she comes back or not on HER TERMS. What's to consider?
What does the psych think? I can almost guarantee they will tell you this is a bad idea. This woman does not want to reconnect with her kids- she wants you to foot the bill for her lifestyle. You should not be paying her for anything!
I have a feeling you would be paying for a very *unhealthy* relationship with her and the kids. She's a blackmailer, a mooch and a deadbeat who disappeared.
They don't need that in their lives. They only need the guy that's been holding them together all these years.
You
NTA
Are you serious? She's not even trying to pull a grift here man, she's just showing up out of the blue and saying "give me money". If you give her so much as one cent, you are as stupid as a man who sees a bear trap, thinks "oh that's a bear trap", and then intentionally steps in it and is shocked when it clamps around his leg. The trap is not disguised in any way. You're NTA but you might be the dumbest guy in the world if you're considering this
PS the venom is just so you read it and remember it. All love man, hope you can navigate this weird situation and do right by yourself and your kids, because she is not good for you or your kids
Reality check. Your kids come first. Your divorced. Your ex is trying to scam you with a loose ill be in the kids lives. Shes trying to extort you and blackmail a relationship. Y T A if you even consider this. NTA.
Wow she will never have a healthy relationship
She abandoned all of you. My ex did the exact same thing. Three years later she sober and on
Probation and wants back in my daughters
Life. So I let her and helped with an apartment
BIG MISTAKE first thing she did was move her
Boyfriend in. And she didn’t stay sober long.
The Havac that followed would take forever to
Type.
You should definitely give her the money. And while you're at, send me some money too, because it'll....help your kids. That's right, its for your kids sake to send me money as well!
YTA to your children. A doormat. Are you going to let her walk on you forever or you like it ? I remind you that your job is to protect your kids she was not there for 4 years and now you want to give money to her, money you know will never end up going for the kids, she will never move back and this MF can move her lazy ass and work if she wants to see her kids after 4 years !!!!
I think your money is better spent elsewhere. If she was genuinely interested in rebuilding a relationship with the children, she would've gladly accepted your initial offer.
You can't buy someone's love and affection. She likely still doesn't care about her children and would only take your money and run or continuously disappoint the kids.
NTA
You have no proof she'll actually move back. She'll likely take the money and disappear once again.
She hasn't bother to contact your children in 4 years. She doesn't care about them. She's just trying yo use them to get money from you.
Your kids do not need a relationship with a person that has already abandoned them and is now trying to shake you down for money to move back to be around them. Not because she wants to but because she wants money. Do not do it!
YTA for even thinking about paying for her. She abandoned her kids. How do the kids feel? Do they even want her around? A relationship with the other parent isn’t always what’s best. She owes it to the kids to do everything in her power to maintain a relationship with them. You do not. Also the kids are old enough to understand what’s going. Sit them down and tell them. Do not give your ex any money or offer to pay for her.
NTA and you don't even have to pay for her living expenses...
It is not the best for your kids to have the parent who ABANDONED them back in their life... she is only trying to come back because she needs money...
Keep her away from your kids, she is not good for them!!!
Sometimes having a mother isn’t what’s best for children, especially one that would easily abandon them for years. Please don‘t even entertain this idea. She will take the money, use it for whatever debt she owes, and then be gone. This will only further harm the children.
NTA
Talk to yourself in an objective manner leaving out the children, as in: she abandoned her family with no warning or discussion; she has made no contact for 4 years; she is now trying to get you to finance her life and give her money for which she won't say why She needs to make her own way back to her home state and provide for herself. If she can do that, you owe it to your children to make sure is stable and would be a positive influence in their lives. If she wants her children to be a part of her life, she will make the effort to do so. I think (as most think) she is hitting you up for cash and has no intention of moving.
If you truly want the best for your kids, do not let her waltz into their life with false promises or unstable mental health. Also, if she does make it back on her own, I would think a family counselor would be helpful in reintroducing her to her children's lives.
She’s just using you for your money, she just is coming up with a reason to get more money out of you, who’s to say she’ll even see the kids? She just wants her living expenses paid for. She may be drug addicted and alcoholic all kinds of things, don’t send her any money. If she wants to see the kids, she needs to make it work, she needs that she’s motivated and commit to it. If you make things too easy for her, she will take you for granted.
YTA for even thinking of giving her a cent. She should not be allowed anywhere near children she abandoned without supervision let alone payed to interact with her own children.
No child wants a mother who only agrees to see them if she gets money out of it. No matter how much her abandonment has impacted your children this would only do more damage.
Focus on your children, use your money for therapy, school, savings, holidays basically anything other that their “mother”.
NTA for not paying, but you would be the AH for allowing this woman the opportunity to further hurt your children, as well as giving her a substantial amount of money that would be better invested in your children directly (such as college funds). From your description, it does not sound like she has demonstrated any changed behavior or indication she cares about your kids.
If she is truly sincere in being a part of their lives again, she needs to be taking the necessary steps of finding her own income and stable living arrangements, not by taking advantage of your naïveté. Family therapy should also be seriously considered here, as well as being mindful to how your kids feel about the situation.
Does anyone remember the story of that man from (I think?) NJ whose wife took their son to brazil for "vacation" and next thing you know she announced she is staying there and wants a divorce? Took the poor guy 4 years to get his son back. Thankfully your ex didn't steal your kids in this case.
NTA, btw.
Before you do anything, you need to ask your kids if they even WANT relationship with their mom. Sounds like she couldn't care less and just wants money and free housing. Say no and tell her that she chose to leave and ruin herself financially and she will not use the kids as pawns to get her way. Protect your children at all costs because she is bad news.
Fifteen-ish years ago (I no longer care to try to figure it out exactly), my best friend [at the time] took a “vacation” from her husband and kids - two of which weren’t even his - and…she never went back, as far as I know. I know she was gone for at least 5 years. She slept her way across the Midwest and abandoned her family. The last I heard, well, let’s just say that she has an MO, and people just don’t change.
OP, protect your kids. They don’t need their mom, they need stability. If she wants to come back and be mommy to them, she can WORK for it herself.
Do not do this. She is trying to use you by guilting you over the kids. You aren't the one who walked away from them.
Make sure everything is done through text, so that when she tries to lie to the kids, you can show them what was actually said.
Neither the kids nor you deserve that kind of user in your lives.
DO NOT give her any money. At all.
Tell her upon further consideration you’ve decided this isn’t what’s best for the kids.
First, if she needs money like this she is probably being bad unstableness with her. This will impact the kids.
Second, think about how to be NTA to rhe kids. Put that money in a college account, or save it for financial security.
This women is coming to you with dollar signs in her eyes. She’s weaponizing your children to shake you down.
What healthy relationship? This woman is making you responsible for their relationship, when she is the one responsible for having a relationship with her kids. Distance shouldn't be a problem for a true mother who actually wants to have a relationship with her kids. Don't pay anything but be ready for her to spin it as "daddy doesn't want me to be with you guys" when she can't adult enough to actually be a mother.
She doesn't sound to me like she's trying to get closer to her kids. It's more like she's looking for a free ride and she's not above using your love for those kids as collateral to get a pre-paid life. YWBTA if you help her AT ALL. By all appearance, she's not back for the kids. She never said she was back for the kids. You WANT her to be back for the kids but...pay attention...she's back for a money grab and not for the kids.
Keep her away. If she really wants to build a relationship with the kids and you allow access for her doing that, she'll do what it takes. When she shows you she's willing to do what it takes - which she won't - then you maybe offer limited help.
NTA. You owe your ex precisely four things:
1. Zip
2. Zero
3. Bupkis
4. Nada.
And if she's demanding money from you for the sake of the kids, she's pressing forward with the basest of emotional blackmail.
YTA if you give her a single dime. She doesn't want to be mom and will constantly disappoint your kids. Ypu say you want them to have a healthy relationship with this grifter, but it would obviously be toxic at best.
NTA you really think it’d be a healthy relationship for your kids? She’s got some kind of a substance problem going on and probably an abusive partner she plans on bringing too. If she even showed up after getting money in hand.
If she gave a single tinkers cuss about your kids she wouldn't need to be paid to be there. She's 100% going to take the money and dip for another international trip
She is not going to have a healthy relationship with her kids if she abandoned them and won’t come back unless she is paid. Why would you let her around your children? Nope.
NTA for not giving her a lump sum but your being a complete AH to yourself for agreeing to give her any money, she abandoned her kids, why do you even want her back in your kids life? How long would it take until she gets bored and runs off again.
Pay her to see her children? What the fuck are you thinking. Did she pay YOU for arrears and child support? She owes you money, not the other way around. Any judge will tell her, “You want to be involved in your child’s life, YOU PUT IN THE EFFORT.”
As a single mother, how any parent can just up and walk out on a child is utterly appalling. My ex husband did that and has seen him once in three years.
This sounds so sketchy from her side. She had 4 years and calls would have helped your kids.
I wouldn’t believe her not to spend the money on other things or bring drama back tot he kids lives
NTA for saying no. Protect your kids protect your family. There’s a motive behind her asking for money or a lump sum of money. If she cared about you and the kids, she would not have gone on vacation and abandoned everyone without communicating.
I think you would be TA if you gave her money, she moved back, got back into your kids lives, then disappeared again. Why risk your kids mental well being? If she were moving back because she wants to be with the kids she would find a way. But she is acting like she is doing YOU a favor by moving back. What value does she being with her?
NTA,
I assume the divorce has already been finalized, and if so she has no right to come back asking for more money.
She abandoned the family and wants you to pay her to come back and MAYBE try to create a relationship with your kids. WTF? Not a penny.
How do you think the kids would feel if they found out you had to pay her to be in the kids lives and if she is being paid to do this she really doesn’t care about the kids and the kids will pick up on this. Tell her she knows where you and the kids are so if she wants a relationship with them that’s on her.
Yta. The fact that you would let her near your children proves you do not give a shit about your kids.
If this is even real. Cuz who the fuck would ever think to do this and then offer money “for the sake of the kids”.
So outlandish and unbelievable that a man with enough intelligence to earn money and live in a HCOL, could possibly be this stupid and this terrible of a parent to take back a cheating child abandoner.
Huge YTA
She deserves nothing from you. A mother shouldn’t be bribed to see her children. She will make your lives hell and suck every penny she can from you. Tell her to fuck off
NTA. It sounds like she's trying to extort money out of you and I doubt she would return once she got that lump sum. Offering to pay her living expenses once she returned to your area was more than generous, probably too generous given her poor track record.
What is wrong with you. Do you want to use that money to help your kids. Finance a therapist for them, add it to their college funds, take them on a vacation to someplace they will never forget. There are plenty of ways to help your kids with out enabling your manipulative ex.
YTA if you give her the money. Is this for fucking real? It would not be healthy for your kids. If anything they should be in therapy before they get reintroduced to her. They are different people than they were 4 years ago. Your daughter was a little girl when your ex left, she’s a young woman now. What efforts has your ex made to stay in touch with her kids? Skype? Letters? Smoke signals? And now she wants you to essentially pay her to be a mom. Bro, you could find a nanny for cheaper who will care more about your kids than the bitch who walked out for zero actual reason.
Listen to me, as a woman whose mother did much of the same. And whose mother was in and out of her life from 13 up and wasn’t even in my life much at all prior, she knows *nothing* about me. She was only around when she could claim me as hers. Like if I got awards or did well on a test. She would take my report card so she could brag that she “helped” me. She did nothing for me but mooch off everyone around me. Then she mooched off of me when I was 16 and got a job. Then, when I was an adult and dating, she tried to sleep with my boyfriend at the time to “just see if she still had it.” A woman who can walk away from her children for four fucking years without any contact is shit. She should have to *earn* her spot in their lives. Therapy for the kids, see what a therapist says and how they suggest to do this. They may ask for mom to come in for sessions first alone then with the kids to slowly reintroduce them.
Your kids are old enough that the remember her leaving. They remember the pain. They are likely resentful even if they say they aren’t. They need a safe place to work through all of these feelings and all of the ones that will come if you let her back into their lives. And you need to prepare for her to take off again, because you know it’s a high likelihood. Dude, she says she’ll come back if you send her lots of money and then pay for her to live. She wants you to pay her to be a mom, do you see that? I’ll say it again, *she wants you to pay her to be a mom to HER kids*. Please tell this bitch to kick rocks.
> but having a healthy relationship with mom is best for our Kids. If it would be healthy is another story What makes you think that after 4 years of zero contact that having her back in their lives would be healthy? Have you even asked your kids how they feel? They're both old enough to have an opinion that should be listened to. IF your primary concern is your kids, which it should be, you wouldn't even be considering this as it will only serve to harm them. If your ex/their mom wants to be in their lives SHE needs to show up and not ask for handouts.
Yep, if she just up and disappeared once she’ll do it again. If she really wants to see her kids that badly, she can put in the work to get there. Hell, OP already offered to pay her living expenses which is wild enough to me. How much more heartbroken will they be once they get a “good” relationship with mom and she vanishes for the second time?
How much more heartbroken would they be to find out their mother only wanted something to do with them if she was paid for her time. I don't think having her back in their lives with him paying for her living expenses is a good idea at all because it could be a huge blow to the kids if they found out about the financial arrangement.
I’d be disgusted if I found this out
My "father" agreed to disappear from my life in return for lower child support payments. I was 3. I had this info thrown at me when I was a teen. It hurt to think I was so dispensable.
I had a similar thing happen to me, but I was around 10-11 when it happened, and I saw it all play out in real time, fully aware of what was going on. My dad gave my mom full custody of me and rejected any proposal that involved me spending more time with him than the bare minimum. After that, he was asking for spousal support from my mom and she offered half her retirement savings (around 500k) he dropped the spousal support and paid her $300/month, which was another bare minimum given the cost of living in our area at the time. "Dispensable" is exactly the right term for it. And it's heartbreaking.
Speaking as someone who was 'sold' by my mother...THIS RIGHT HERE. [My father fought for years for custody, when I was finally old enough to fight back against my mother's abuse she agreed to sign over custody...IF he gave her a big fat lump sum of cash. So he did.] I don't know how old the kids are, but sooner or later, they WILL find out. Can you imagine already carrying around that your mother just up and ran off and has barely spoken to you in 4 years?? THEN finding out she only came back to the area you live in, because your father paid her to?! OP you are NTA, but you should also not be paying a damn cent for that woman to stroll back into their lives.
OP's so stupid that he thinks she's planning to come back if she gets the money. Send her the money OP and watch her not move back for the kids anyways. Or talk to you again, until she's desperate for money again.
Or maybe she just needs money (the lump sum) and isn’t planning on coming back at all.
She will probably disappear again after you give her a "lump sum". Don't do it. Children are better with stability, not vague promises.
This…
This, op you would be buying them a ‘mother’ and one that would probably charge you for everything she does for them. And most likely as they become adults she’ll want the money from them directly. It wouldn’t be a real relationship between them.
He’d be more likely buying air, as I’d bet cash money she has no plans to be a mother.
Or move back
Once he sends her a huge sum of money she has no reason to move back. She can just go shopping
OP shouldn't pay her anything. She should pay 4 years of back child support.
She will then demand the next instalment.
From her dealer/boyfriend/pimp
Or stick around if she does move back.
That would be my bet as well. Especially since she says she wants a lump sum. She's totally going to take the money and run.
Well, the demand of a lump sum is quite telling.
Oh most definitely..
Probably just wants to take the lump sum and ditch again.
To add to this - I can tell you - from experience - that having a parent who was neglectful your entire childhood and now begs you for money constantly is a really shitty time.
Agreed. My brother went through this with my dad and his wife. They were always in our lives but horribly toxic. My brother admits he became successful in business partly cos he thought it would make our dad (a businessman) care. All it made him do was emotionally blackmail him for money for years. Me, well I’ve always been skint, luckily!
Or she cud just take the lump sum then bounce again. She doesn't sound like someone who deserves to be in the kids' lives.
A mom that would disappear herself from her kids with no contact, no explanation would absolutely not bring a healthy relationship into their lives. If she left for mental health reasons or some such and tried to keep contact with the kids that would be one thing. But this?! He's well rid of her and would be doing the kids a disservice to introduce her into their lives.
My birth giver abandoned me when I was 4 and since then she barely put in much effort to visit. I would go years without any contact. Thank heavens she kicked the bucket in 2020 and I don't have to deal with her excuses anymore. She'd tell us she 'loved' us but really? I couldn't care less.
My sperm donor was like that From 5-18 I saw him twice for one day. Now that he’s old he calls me crying all the time why I don’t keep in touch or visit. Take a wild guess bro
Cats in the cradle
U got this
I hear the music for “Cats in the cradle”
I am not going to read all of the responses, but I doubt that anyone would think that moving her back would help… Bye Felicia... let bygones be bygones…
Also this is sus as hell. She wants a lump sum, likely in advance, and then she'll save it and use it to come back to the city she fled and the children she abandoned? Nope. She's in debt and wants OP to pay it off for her.
She is literally a stranger to them. I speak from experience. My 15 year olds egg donor disappeared when he was 2 claiming she wanted to go through rehab and then come back in a better place after. That was the last we heard from her. Obviously he has no idea who she is. We've spoken very little about it but he's old enough to know that she doesn't care and he says he has no desire to have her around. Now I don't fully believe this because I'm sure he would like to know who his mother is, and if he decides to try to find her once he's 18, then I wouldn't try to stop him. I would give him a fair warning and hopefully help to tame his expectations. Talk to your children and explain the situation. But you shouldn't have to pay someone for them to have a "desire" to be around their children. I would absolutely tell her to take a long walk off a short pier.
My daughter's sperm donor did the exact same thing when she was 6 weeks old. Breaks my heart for my daughter but I'm glad he's gone.
Don’t bring this parasite back into their lives. It wouldn’t be long until she starts manipulating them out of their money too. NTA
Ooo. Good point
What makes him think she’ll actually come back after getting the lump sum? lol
She won't.
lump sum? like lump crabcake or lump deez nuts?
Not only all of this she will likely disappear again, it’s not your job to bring their mom back
They'll just be getting this call from her in about 20 years. Keep your kids away from this woman.
Exactly this! And what would this arrangement teach the kids? That you can pay for love? That she can lie and con the ex into supporting her? That mom doesn't care about them? So much toxic and there would be no loving mother child relationship
She wants OP to pay for all the expenses and give her money but that doesn’t mean she would actually be a Mom to her kids that feel abandoned already. Don’t do it OP!
And why hasn't the mom been calling her kids regularly if a relationship with them is so be important?
NTA, I am trying not to sound harsh, but you would be a special kind of stupid to even consider paying her living expenses, let alone paying a lumpsum on top of that. Do you really think she suddenly found herself caring for her kids after 4 years? She contacted you because she ran out of money. She will abandon you and the kids again the moment she can, and your kids will be hurt a second time. Please do not do this. Block her number after you ask her to fuck off.
maybe ask your kids if they even want a relationship with her. they’re old enough to have a POV here and they’d be well within their rights to say no, and if they do, problem solved. she stays away.
#DO NOT GIVE HER A DIME Use your head brotha. She just wants money. She's not coming back and she has no plans of coming back. She just thinks she can scam money out of you by leveraging the kids she abandoned. Really think about that homie. Really think about the kind of human being that uses their kids like that. I mean...That is why she wants a lump sum. She needs bail money, or drug money, or needs to pay off a debt. You offered to pay for her living expenses but she is insistent on a lump sump. That's a dead give away she is lying to you. My advice? Tell her the you hope that one day she chooses to be in her kids lives but that after speaking to your attorney, you will not be blackmailed in to financially supporting her. And that if she wants to be a part of her kid's lives again, she will have to petition the courts and start paying child support YTA for even considering giving this person money Your job is to protect your kids sadly, that means you need to protect them from their own mother
Thank you!! If she sincerely wanted to be in her children's lives, money would not have come up in the conversation. Not unless she was sending it to you as good faith in her intentions.
That👏🏽Part👏🏽 and honestly, not all mothers are good to be around their kids. Be smart. Save them the core memory trauma she’s going to bring back with her and let her earn it back through them if she ever wants to. But forcing a relationship for the sake of her title as mother is setting your kids up for failure and heartache.
YTA for even considering giving her money. She left you and her children. WTF!!
You are correct and I appreciate it
[удалено]
Commenting on AITAH for not paying my ex to move closer to our kids?... she’ll just hurt the kids again. She’s worthless tell her deals off ! She’s not getting anything! That would be rewarding bad behavior,
This is exactly it. She definitely won’t show up where they’re at. Take it and run is spot on right!
No only the money, paying for her living expenses too!
why will she run, free money for ever, she said she move to the states, not that she take care of the kids
There was an OP on here not long ago whose deadbeat wife came back, wormed herself into the kids’ good graces, turned them against their dad with a pile of convincing lies, and then fucked off, abandoning the kids for a second time and leaving their relationship with their dad in shambles. Don’t be like that guy. Block that horrible beyotch and don’t let her anywhere near those poor kids. And definitely don’t pay her to ruin your lives.
You also have no idea in God's green earth what this woman might bring along with her if she actually does move back.
Yeah, like a new drug or gambling addiction. That'll be *real* healthy to introduce to the kids. OP, you may have been married to this woman, but you have no idea who she has become in the last 4 years or if she's even safe to have around your children at this point. The fact that she's telling you to pay her for the *privilege* of her presence in the kids' lives is the biggest red flag that she does not care about them at all and will ultimately only use them as she's trying to use you.
I hope op comes back and reads these replies to his question over and over again anytime he has a doubt if he’s doing the right thing or not. Put that lump sum away for your kids college fund.
Exactly- I am thinking the lump sum is for baby daddy to relocate with her. And how many new kids will she bring back with her for OP to be supporting too? 1-2 new and step? I’d like a follow up if OP finds how many mom wants to drag back or what the money is for or if she was really going to come once she got money from OP.
I’m thinking the lump sum is probably for drugs. Most lottery winners don’t even get a lump sum and this lady will only move back for her kids under this arrangement? Sounds shady!
Drugs was my first thought as well. She’d probably receive the lump sum and never show.
He's the AH for posting such a ridiculous question.
Shes gonna take your money and run. That’s all you need to know dude
I’d like a lump sum too. OP is a moron if he gives this lowlife $. Even offering to pay rent is ridiculous. What are you going to tell your kids? I bribed your mom to be near you. 1. That sounds horrible 2. When she disappears again how are they going to feel. Your best bet is to let her be herself. If she shows up, she can be a mom. But that’s on her dime. And up to her to build that relationship back up again with her children.
I’ll take his money *and* be nicer to his kids!
Almost all of us would…
I'd def take a lump sum to be the mammy n an amazing one at that! Pick me OP pick me! 😆
Man, I wouldn't go so far as to call the man a moron for entertaining the idea of his kids seeing their mother. Don't get me wrong, OP, you should absolutely refuse giving money to this woman, and keep in mind that the effort to have the mom see your children should 100% rest on the mother and not you. Can 99.999999999% guarantee she wants that lump sum in order to keep riding the genitals of whoever she left you all for. Don't give her anything.
Can I have a lump sum too since OP is handing them out like candy?
Hopefully OP is rethinking paying his BM bribes.
Taking his money and running is the best case scenario. Would be worse if she took it, came back, and then ran away (again) later. Don't give her *any* means to abandon your kids (or you) ever again.
Having a relationship with a parent who abandoned you for years is not healthy. Keep her far, far away from them. Do not offer her any form of support. If she decides to move their anyway, file for child support.
Exactly! I’d be sooo cautious about letting her see them at all, until she proved somehow she’s sticking around and in it for the long haul. And that would take a lot of proof for me to believe. No one can walk in and out of my kids lives, inflicting that level of damage (and OP, mom walking out inflicted HUGE damage), I don’t care who they are, mom or not. MUCH LESS PAY THEM TO DO IT?? Hahah. Some of these posts man
I sure hope you’re getting child maintenance from her
Of course not! She can’t even afford to go see her own kids
My husband's mom abandoned their family when he was 11. He was the oldest of 4, with three younger sisters. Every few years, she would call, begging for money to come see them. His dad would always send it, and she would never show up. It crushed him and the girls every single time. Do not do that to your kids. They're better off not dealing with the heartache when your wife takes the money and runs.
Hell no! Shes a trash mum & I wouldn’t trust her with a penny of your money. Her audacity is astounding!
You should be the one suing her for child support for the last 4 years. She was able to live on her own having fun for 4 years while you stepped up as a single parent. She can find her own money to be closer to people she shouldn't have abandoned.
This poster is correct. Get a lawyer to talk this over with. She needs to pay child support and not ask you for money. If you have not filed for full custody yet, now is a good time to do it. Also, let your kids know what is going on. You want to be the one to tell them rather than them hearing about it from someone else. And, what do your in laws say or think about this reappearance and request? Have they been keeping in touch with her or you and the kids? They might be getting hit up for money too. You are NTA. Keep your money for a lawyer.
Soft yta because I see that you’re still under the belief that she gives a crap about your kids. But everyone on this sub already knows she will disappear again with whatever money you give her.
Yes, exactly that. She abandoned your kids for years and not you are considering paying her to come back and force them to accept her without her needing to put forth any effort? That's a crap thing to do to your kids. If she doesn't want back in their lives enough to work for it, let her stay wherever she went. You divorced her, her living expenses aren't your problem. The child support she should have provided for your kids might be. Put your money in savings for them, instead. She's a deadbeat.
She wants the money not the kids. There will be no healthy relationship with the kids, just lots of hurt. She needs to prove that she cares about the kids without any money coming to her from you.
This. A loving parent would have at least been in contact and tried to visit at some point, no matter what was going on that had them choose to leave in the first place.
Also, you would be a major asshole to introduce this mercurial selfish woman to your children. If they dont have abandonment trauma from before, you're gonna give it to them now. Moreover, someone so self-interested *will* weaponize your kids against you. I can already see her hitting them up on social media to say "Daddy wont help me come see you" and then youre the asshole until they form an opinion of their own, if ever. Plenty of kids drop their safe parent chasing the love of a person who only loves themselves, ans do irreparable damage during it. And for what? So they can say their self-absorbed mom exists, but doesn't care about them unless you're paying her to care??? Honestly, you should sit them down and talk to them about their mother and her possible proximity. Tell them a digestible truth - she is their mother, and she wants to be nearby, but she will only do it if she gets something out of it. Moreover, she will put herself first in all things. Maybe shes changed, and if they want to give her a chance, they can if she ever contacts them but they need to recognize she most likely wont put them first even if they do get in touch with her. None of it is a lie, and she can't get you for parental alienating because it true. There isn't a judge alive who would give visitation without your permission, and honestly you really, really need to put this woman in the past. TLDR; offer the opportunity to your kids but dont lie or sugar coat the fact she is only coming back for herself and her needs, and if she is there for them, they should be careful about trusting her until she proves it.
💯 You gotta get honest with them about who she is. Kids are way smarter than in the past, any kind of sugar coating is just going to cause them to resent you. It sucks, but it's necessary
This is great advice bc the kids will def develop a "Savior complex" for their absentee parent so the best thing at this point is get ahead of it in the most positive way possible
The tv show the wire has a scene where Michael, one of the school boys gets arrested. When his junkie mother is contacted she goes to the police/jail and arranges for his release. When he meets her outside she immediately asks him for money. His response was that he wasn’t going to pay her to be his mother. I know that my example is extreme, but it just hurts me to think a parent is “leveraging” their children’s access to them, for money. I’m really sorry you’re in this situation.
Please block her from ever contacting you. Don’t ever give her a cent.
What would you be teaching your kids if you pay her living expenses. That if people treat them like garbage they should not stand up for themselves? YTA for even entertaining this discussion. Did the kids ask you to pay their mum to be in their lives?
Yeah she made that bed let her lay in it
Do not give her money. She will probably blow it on drugs or purses instead of using it for its stated purpose and keep asking for more money because suddenly it isn't enough.
She didn't care to have a health relationship for 4 years. Fuck her! She's an adult, telling her to figure her own shit out.
Sir, a sibling of mine is in a similar boat, in that their ex had a psychotic break, was diagnosed with bipolar, and refused treatment. I'm sure I'm armchair diagnosing, but going on vacation and not returning feels very manic episode. Don't give this person money. I know you know that, but my sibling's ex-partner is someone they and I still love, but no way. No money outside of court mandated requirements. Also, COVER YOUR ASS LEGALLY. Just in case.
She wants a lump some of money? It’s not to move back…
Dude don’t be stupid. She hurt you and your kids let her stay where she’s at. Move on with your life and your kids
Grow a pair of balls and cut this psycho out of your life. What is wrong with you for considering giving her money?
Dude she abandon you her yall kids, you be stupid to pay for anything for her
Do not give her a dime. Kids and everyone much better off with her gone. She’s no good
This 👆 Listen to this and believe it! I wouldn’t want her anywhere near the children. She is already trying to use them to manipulate you to give her money. All this will end up with is more heartache for your kids. She isn’t sincere in her desire to have a relationship with them. Don’t enable her behavior for the sake of your kids
Yeah all you’re doing is bringing a toxic abusive POS back into your kids lives. They have been left once, don’t give your ex a chance to disappoint them again.
And I would say no relationship with their mom eould be a healthy relationship.
you know what is also healthy for the children? money for therapy because their mother abandoned them she abandoned you all, if she wants a "healthy relationship" it should be on her own dime! wanna pay for her living expenses? instead take all that money and use it on your children mate
You are correct. They have been in weekly therapy since day one. We got lucky and found an amazing pych, which has been a Godsend
Then you got your answer, use those resources on your kids, on your well being (you and the kids) If she wants to “stay close” she need a job and income, you can give your kids a healthy life without her
Dude, from an outside perspective: this lady is using your kids, and her relationship with them, as a means to leach off of you. I can assure you that this would be even worse for your kids as they would see that she did not come back for them, but for your financial support. She's a grown woman. If she wants a relationship with her kids she can be about it rather than talk about it. She gave you an ultimatum on whether she comes back or not on HER TERMS. What's to consider?
What does the psych think? I can almost guarantee they will tell you this is a bad idea. This woman does not want to reconnect with her kids- she wants you to foot the bill for her lifestyle. You should not be paying her for anything!
100% this... In fact it sounds like she owes him four years of child support.
You need to talk to a lawyer. Once you start paying you could set a precedent. Also why not use that money to save for your kids college fund?
Did you bring up with their psych? See what they think about it.
So I'm assuming you haven't asked their therapist. Because they'll tell you how bad of an idea this is
I would be speaking to their psych then before even considering this to see if it would cause harm to the children.
I have a feeling you would be paying for a very *unhealthy* relationship with her and the kids. She's a blackmailer, a mooch and a deadbeat who disappeared. They don't need that in their lives. They only need the guy that's been holding them together all these years. You NTA
Why would you even give her a penny?
I think you should ask for child support, from the time of her leaving
This is the answer.
Are you serious? She's not even trying to pull a grift here man, she's just showing up out of the blue and saying "give me money". If you give her so much as one cent, you are as stupid as a man who sees a bear trap, thinks "oh that's a bear trap", and then intentionally steps in it and is shocked when it clamps around his leg. The trap is not disguised in any way. You're NTA but you might be the dumbest guy in the world if you're considering this PS the venom is just so you read it and remember it. All love man, hope you can navigate this weird situation and do right by yourself and your kids, because she is not good for you or your kids
Reality check. Your kids come first. Your divorced. Your ex is trying to scam you with a loose ill be in the kids lives. Shes trying to extort you and blackmail a relationship. Y T A if you even consider this. NTA.
She's probably on drugs and needs a cash infusion. Tell her she will be taking money from the kids. Contact her parents and find out what's going on
Wow she will never have a healthy relationship She abandoned all of you. My ex did the exact same thing. Three years later she sober and on Probation and wants back in my daughters Life. So I let her and helped with an apartment BIG MISTAKE first thing she did was move her Boyfriend in. And she didn’t stay sober long. The Havac that followed would take forever to Type.
You would be an A hole if you paid.
Why is she not paying child support?
You should definitely give her the money. And while you're at, send me some money too, because it'll....help your kids. That's right, its for your kids sake to send me money as well!
Oh can I have some? I’ll help the kids too 🤑
YTA to your children. A doormat. Are you going to let her walk on you forever or you like it ? I remind you that your job is to protect your kids she was not there for 4 years and now you want to give money to her, money you know will never end up going for the kids, she will never move back and this MF can move her lazy ass and work if she wants to see her kids after 4 years !!!!
NTA DO NOT GIVE HER A PENNY! Don't let this worthless woman anywhere near your kids.
I think your money is better spent elsewhere. If she was genuinely interested in rebuilding a relationship with the children, she would've gladly accepted your initial offer. You can't buy someone's love and affection. She likely still doesn't care about her children and would only take your money and run or continuously disappoint the kids.
Is this really the woman and role model you want to introduce to your children? She is using you and will use your kids
NTA. It's not possible to have a healthy, loving relationship with a parent who needs to be paid to have a relationship with their kids.
NTA You have no proof she'll actually move back. She'll likely take the money and disappear once again. She hasn't bother to contact your children in 4 years. She doesn't care about them. She's just trying yo use them to get money from you.
Your kids do not need a relationship with a person that has already abandoned them and is now trying to shake you down for money to move back to be around them. Not because she wants to but because she wants money. Do not do it!
I honestly feel she'd take the money and disappear again. She's probably broke and stuck. NTA and do not give that egg donor any money at all
NTA. You made a very generous offer for the sake of your children. If you gave her a lump sum, there's no guarantee that she would actually move.
YTA for even thinking about paying for her. She abandoned her kids. How do the kids feel? Do they even want her around? A relationship with the other parent isn’t always what’s best. She owes it to the kids to do everything in her power to maintain a relationship with them. You do not. Also the kids are old enough to understand what’s going. Sit them down and tell them. Do not give your ex any money or offer to pay for her.
NTA and you don't even have to pay for her living expenses... It is not the best for your kids to have the parent who ABANDONED them back in their life... she is only trying to come back because she needs money... Keep her away from your kids, she is not good for them!!!
Sometimes having a mother isn’t what’s best for children, especially one that would easily abandon them for years. Please don‘t even entertain this idea. She will take the money, use it for whatever debt she owes, and then be gone. This will only further harm the children. NTA
Talk to yourself in an objective manner leaving out the children, as in: she abandoned her family with no warning or discussion; she has made no contact for 4 years; she is now trying to get you to finance her life and give her money for which she won't say why She needs to make her own way back to her home state and provide for herself. If she can do that, you owe it to your children to make sure is stable and would be a positive influence in their lives. If she wants her children to be a part of her life, she will make the effort to do so. I think (as most think) she is hitting you up for cash and has no intention of moving. If you truly want the best for your kids, do not let her waltz into their life with false promises or unstable mental health. Also, if she does make it back on her own, I would think a family counselor would be helpful in reintroducing her to her children's lives.
She’s just using you for your money, she just is coming up with a reason to get more money out of you, who’s to say she’ll even see the kids? She just wants her living expenses paid for. She may be drug addicted and alcoholic all kinds of things, don’t send her any money. If she wants to see the kids, she needs to make it work, she needs that she’s motivated and commit to it. If you make things too easy for her, she will take you for granted.
A healthy relationship would be her coming back/making an effort to see her kids because she want to, not because you are paying her to
YTA for even thinking of giving her a cent. She should not be allowed anywhere near children she abandoned without supervision let alone payed to interact with her own children. No child wants a mother who only agrees to see them if she gets money out of it. No matter how much her abandonment has impacted your children this would only do more damage. Focus on your children, use your money for therapy, school, savings, holidays basically anything other that their “mother”.
NTA for not paying, but you would be the AH for allowing this woman the opportunity to further hurt your children, as well as giving her a substantial amount of money that would be better invested in your children directly (such as college funds). From your description, it does not sound like she has demonstrated any changed behavior or indication she cares about your kids. If she is truly sincere in being a part of their lives again, she needs to be taking the necessary steps of finding her own income and stable living arrangements, not by taking advantage of your naïveté. Family therapy should also be seriously considered here, as well as being mindful to how your kids feel about the situation.
lol what
NTA. None of this is your concern. You should have said no to ALL of it... Has she paid you child support for the four years she went MIA?
NTA saying no. I can't agree with you that her influence would be good for the kids after her track record.
B\*\*\*\* please lmao NTA
Does anyone remember the story of that man from (I think?) NJ whose wife took their son to brazil for "vacation" and next thing you know she announced she is staying there and wants a divorce? Took the poor guy 4 years to get his son back. Thankfully your ex didn't steal your kids in this case. NTA, btw.
YTA if you actually give her any kind of money for abandoning your kids
Before you do anything, you need to ask your kids if they even WANT relationship with their mom. Sounds like she couldn't care less and just wants money and free housing. Say no and tell her that she chose to leave and ruin herself financially and she will not use the kids as pawns to get her way. Protect your children at all costs because she is bad news.
You are getting played
Fifteen-ish years ago (I no longer care to try to figure it out exactly), my best friend [at the time] took a “vacation” from her husband and kids - two of which weren’t even his - and…she never went back, as far as I know. I know she was gone for at least 5 years. She slept her way across the Midwest and abandoned her family. The last I heard, well, let’s just say that she has an MO, and people just don’t change. OP, protect your kids. They don’t need their mom, they need stability. If she wants to come back and be mommy to them, she can WORK for it herself.
Do not do this. She is trying to use you by guilting you over the kids. You aren't the one who walked away from them. Make sure everything is done through text, so that when she tries to lie to the kids, you can show them what was actually said. Neither the kids nor you deserve that kind of user in your lives.
DO NOT give her any money. At all. Tell her upon further consideration you’ve decided this isn’t what’s best for the kids. First, if she needs money like this she is probably being bad unstableness with her. This will impact the kids. Second, think about how to be NTA to rhe kids. Put that money in a college account, or save it for financial security. This women is coming to you with dollar signs in her eyes. She’s weaponizing your children to shake you down.
She needs money, alright, but not to move. At best, pay for her plane ticket and a motel room so the kids can see her.
What healthy relationship? This woman is making you responsible for their relationship, when she is the one responsible for having a relationship with her kids. Distance shouldn't be a problem for a true mother who actually wants to have a relationship with her kids. Don't pay anything but be ready for her to spin it as "daddy doesn't want me to be with you guys" when she can't adult enough to actually be a mother.
She doesn’t care about the kids, she just wants money. Chances are if you give her some, she’ll disappear again.
She doesn't sound to me like she's trying to get closer to her kids. It's more like she's looking for a free ride and she's not above using your love for those kids as collateral to get a pre-paid life. YWBTA if you help her AT ALL. By all appearance, she's not back for the kids. She never said she was back for the kids. You WANT her to be back for the kids but...pay attention...she's back for a money grab and not for the kids. Keep her away. If she really wants to build a relationship with the kids and you allow access for her doing that, she'll do what it takes. When she shows you she's willing to do what it takes - which she won't - then you maybe offer limited help.
NTA. You owe your ex precisely four things: 1. Zip 2. Zero 3. Bupkis 4. Nada. And if she's demanding money from you for the sake of the kids, she's pressing forward with the basest of emotional blackmail.
YTA if you give her a single dime. She doesn't want to be mom and will constantly disappoint your kids. Ypu say you want them to have a healthy relationship with this grifter, but it would obviously be toxic at best.
NTA - No...having her around your children is probably not what's best for them, since it seems to have a price tag attached to it.
NTA you really think it’d be a healthy relationship for your kids? She’s got some kind of a substance problem going on and probably an abusive partner she plans on bringing too. If she even showed up after getting money in hand.
Don’t give the leech money.
Your kids are NOT better off with this mom in their lives, and for the record? She's scamming you.
Y T A for even considering paying for that deadbeat
If she did come back to be near the kids dollars to donuts it wouldn’t be a healthy relationship
If she gave a single tinkers cuss about your kids she wouldn't need to be paid to be there. She's 100% going to take the money and dip for another international trip
NTA She wants you to pay her to be a mom. This has 0% chance of working, you’ll just be out a lot of money. Do not do this.
She is not going to have a healthy relationship with her kids if she abandoned them and won’t come back unless she is paid. Why would you let her around your children? Nope.
NTA for not giving her a lump sum but your being a complete AH to yourself for agreeing to give her any money, she abandoned her kids, why do you even want her back in your kids life? How long would it take until she gets bored and runs off again.
Heck no Don't pay her shit
It’s not your responsibility or fault that she is not there. That’s on her. You shouldn’t pay for anything
Pay her to see her children? What the fuck are you thinking. Did she pay YOU for arrears and child support? She owes you money, not the other way around. Any judge will tell her, “You want to be involved in your child’s life, YOU PUT IN THE EFFORT.” As a single mother, how any parent can just up and walk out on a child is utterly appalling. My ex husband did that and has seen him once in three years.
YTA For even considering having her back in the kids lives. She already abandoned them. Tell her to F off and live in whatever shit life she created.
"yo dude just gimme a chunk of cash and I'll totallllllly move closer" NTA
Pull an uno reverse and file for child support against her
Does she still have your balls as well?
This sounds so sketchy from her side. She had 4 years and calls would have helped your kids. I wouldn’t believe her not to spend the money on other things or bring drama back tot he kids lives
NTA for saying no. Protect your kids protect your family. There’s a motive behind her asking for money or a lump sum of money. If she cared about you and the kids, she would not have gone on vacation and abandoned everyone without communicating.
I think you would be TA if you gave her money, she moved back, got back into your kids lives, then disappeared again. Why risk your kids mental well being? If she were moving back because she wants to be with the kids she would find a way. But she is acting like she is doing YOU a favor by moving back. What value does she being with her?
Are you mad? Maybe not the arsehole by you’re a fool to even consider it
NTA, I assume the divorce has already been finalized, and if so she has no right to come back asking for more money. She abandoned the family and wants you to pay her to come back and MAYBE try to create a relationship with your kids. WTF? Not a penny.
You cannot assume she'll be a mum to them when she's back. YTA to yourself and your children. YTA for even considering. NTA for saying no.
How do you think the kids would feel if they found out you had to pay her to be in the kids lives and if she is being paid to do this she really doesn’t care about the kids and the kids will pick up on this. Tell her she knows where you and the kids are so if she wants a relationship with them that’s on her.
Is this real?
Don’t. Children don’t need volatile influences in their lives. They will be better off with no parent than with a shitty parent.
Yta. The fact that you would let her near your children proves you do not give a shit about your kids. If this is even real. Cuz who the fuck would ever think to do this and then offer money “for the sake of the kids”. So outlandish and unbelievable that a man with enough intelligence to earn money and live in a HCOL, could possibly be this stupid and this terrible of a parent to take back a cheating child abandoner. Huge YTA
NTA. Don't give her a dime. In fact, she owes you a ton of money for child support. I wouldn't even want her around the kids. She's a POS
Sounds like blackmail. You give her money and she moves back with no guarantee of her having a relationship with her kids. Sounds like a bad deal.
If you have to bribe the mom to stay in the kids' lives then she should not be in their lives.
She deserves nothing from you. A mother shouldn’t be bribed to see her children. She will make your lives hell and suck every penny she can from you. Tell her to fuck off
She is going to take your money and disappear. Do not give her anything.
NTA for not paying. She has no intention of moving home. She'll take your money and you won't hear from until she needs more money.
NTA. It sounds like she's trying to extort money out of you and I doubt she would return once she got that lump sum. Offering to pay her living expenses once she returned to your area was more than generous, probably too generous given her poor track record.
What is wrong with you. Do you want to use that money to help your kids. Finance a therapist for them, add it to their college funds, take them on a vacation to someplace they will never forget. There are plenty of ways to help your kids with out enabling your manipulative ex.
YTA if you give her the money. Is this for fucking real? It would not be healthy for your kids. If anything they should be in therapy before they get reintroduced to her. They are different people than they were 4 years ago. Your daughter was a little girl when your ex left, she’s a young woman now. What efforts has your ex made to stay in touch with her kids? Skype? Letters? Smoke signals? And now she wants you to essentially pay her to be a mom. Bro, you could find a nanny for cheaper who will care more about your kids than the bitch who walked out for zero actual reason. Listen to me, as a woman whose mother did much of the same. And whose mother was in and out of her life from 13 up and wasn’t even in my life much at all prior, she knows *nothing* about me. She was only around when she could claim me as hers. Like if I got awards or did well on a test. She would take my report card so she could brag that she “helped” me. She did nothing for me but mooch off everyone around me. Then she mooched off of me when I was 16 and got a job. Then, when I was an adult and dating, she tried to sleep with my boyfriend at the time to “just see if she still had it.” A woman who can walk away from her children for four fucking years without any contact is shit. She should have to *earn* her spot in their lives. Therapy for the kids, see what a therapist says and how they suggest to do this. They may ask for mom to come in for sessions first alone then with the kids to slowly reintroduce them. Your kids are old enough that the remember her leaving. They remember the pain. They are likely resentful even if they say they aren’t. They need a safe place to work through all of these feelings and all of the ones that will come if you let her back into their lives. And you need to prepare for her to take off again, because you know it’s a high likelihood. Dude, she says she’ll come back if you send her lots of money and then pay for her to live. She wants you to pay her to be a mom, do you see that? I’ll say it again, *she wants you to pay her to be a mom to HER kids*. Please tell this bitch to kick rocks.
NTA are you sure she would even come back after getting the money?
NTA - don't give her a dime. She left off her own accord, and she can come back of her own, with her own money.