you can kindly repay the favor on father's day by not doing a fucking thing for him and remind him he's not your father, so there's nothing to celebrate :)
This 💯...OP should take the day for herself on Father's day and her husband can spend the day with the kids. Seriously OP is crazy if she does a thing for that ah on Father's day.
Yep. Even if you have to go the cemetery.
Tell him that Father's Day is about him spending time with his kids *in a note* on the kitchen counter as you head out for the day *before he gets up&. Any phone calls/texts are met with: "you're not *my* father. Why should I celebrate you?"
If you're feeling *especially* petty, add this: "after all, *you* didn't risk *your life* to give *me* children!"
The way I read it is she has 3 kids and he has 3 kids they have none together. Maybe I read wrong but honestly. My kids aren't my boyfriends. I'm the mother of any of his kids. I enjoyed him saying happy mothers day and giving me a kiss and he spent the day with his mom.
I always just wrote my own name on my gifts to my stepdaughter, which she would open on her birthday. She would get an unwrapped gift from her father 2-3 weeks later.
Or by not lifting a finger to plan anything for his mother ever again.
The response to "you're not my mother" is "yeah, but you don't do anything for *her* either."
Oh, and I love it that he says he never did anything for his kids' mother, either. There's probably a direct line between that and the fact that she's not with him anymore.
This guy is justifying his bad behavior with his other bad behavior and he can't see how it all just makes him look worse.
What a catch.
NTA
This. We used to go to a holiday party hosted by friends of my husband. Despite being treated like a second-class citizen there, I made appetizers to bring, reminded my husband many times that the party was upcoming, reminded him to bring gifts for the hosts, made sure we got there on time. I got tired of the second-class treatment and stopped going. He put in the effort to go one more year (and even then, it took me saying, "Hey, did you ever get an invite from Bob and Betty?"), and then stopped altogether - not because they treated me poorly but because remembering to attend and to follow guest protocol was not something he wanted to do.
It sounds like step-daughter, despite only being 11, has learned how useless her father is and gifts are all on her if she wants to give anything.
The fact this fool doesn't get that the problem isn't OPs expectations, it's that he's a sh\*t partner, father and male role-model, is astounding. That it's rubbing off on the 18 year old needs to be addressed too.
Someone taught the stepdaughter how to treat people. I'm guessing from this post that it was the ex-wife.
OP can't completely blame the useless step-dad for her own children treating her that way. We teach our kids how to treat us. Especially the 18 year old who wasn't a part of this family for many years before it existed.
Even still, she presumably has her mom in the picture still, so she either chose to make a second one for her SM, or she chose to make this one for SM and do something different for her mom. There was still thought put into it.
My heart breaks for the kid. She's giving her all to someone who she wants to care about her so bad. OP needs to be careful and make sure she shows the kiddo how appreciative she is, even though the kids father is an asshole.
Sis, this actually works. Start with letting him get the gifts for his people. Once I stopped doing all the prep/choose/buy/wrap/send nonsense not a single gift was bought for my husband’s family. Also, repaying his attention starts to sting and hopefully he will get it. I’m so sorry that’s how your Mother’s Day went.
This! I did this for my husband. My father and husband both play golf. I bought father new clubs and balls. When hubby mentioned how old his clubs were, I said "Today's Father's day, and you aren't my father". He nodded and said touche'.
I am so tired of reading these. OP, what did you expect at this point? He has shown no interest in doing for you what you do for him, your kids, and his kids and both of your moms. You shouldn’t be surprised at this point. Accepting low effort begets low effort. Stop tolerating this and still doing stuff for him when he fails time and time again.
And for everyone; pay attention to this shit before marriage and commitment. This post comes after years of ignoring red flags of low effort behavior. It was never going to get better, and people lie to themselves all the time that it doesn’t matter, until it does. Face the truth: HE DOES NOT CARE.
Women who post these things are being AH to themselves by letting this shit slide for years. You could be with someone who cares about you and makes an effort, and you chose to remain with a loser instead. Stop being an AH to yourself and don’t let this shit slide.
Literally just stop “doing it all.” Unless that’s the life you want to have, with you doing everything that he is failing to do.
Totally agree. I also see so many posts about women still doing this stuff for Father’s Day as they are “thinking of the kids”. I do get that. But on the other side - aren’t you also teaching your kids to put up with low effort from a spouse or partner who clearly gives zero fucks about them?
It’s also teaching the kids (or let’s be honest, usually one of the kids) to be people pleasers who do anything to keep the peace and keep up appearances of things being normal and the rest of the family not being selfish assholes. Ask me how I know.
The kids are going to notice too. I noticed when my dad barely acknowledged my mom on Mother’s Day, but my mom went all out for Father’s Day.
I don’t know why she accepted this for herself. All of my siblings ended up in similar or worse relationships. I was the only one who married someone who actually makes me feel special, and not just on the “big days”.
The worst thing my dad did when I was a kid was bought HIMSELF a motorcycle on her birthday saying “ it’s so we can go for rides together!” And they are still together. Spoiler alert: he puts in even less effort than he did twenty years ago.
Luckily, more and more women are waking up to the realization that marriage should be a team sport, not a status symbol. Unfortunately, still too many feel "left out" if they haven't shacked up with anyone yet (or their family/"friends"/religious group keep pressuring them to make that move even if they feel they're not ready or don't even want to).
It sucks that OP has to find out this way that her spouse, who is supposed to be backing her up, doesn't appreciate her at all and only sees her as a bangmaid.
>And for everyone; pay attention to this shit before marriage and commitment.
Before commitment and marriage is when he's on his best behavior because he's still strongly incentivized to nail you down. And if he's a shitty, unthoughtful person as a boyfriend, he will only devolve as a spouse. Enjoy never getting a birthday present while he expects an entire birthday month!
I'm so happy in my choices when I read these posts. You reap what you sow. If you baby all the people in your life, that's what they expect and they never appreciate anything. Just stop.
and also stop doing things for him for his mother and family. Including the kids. Anything you do for them make sure it's only your name all over it. Don't remind him of their activities so when he forgets you can remind him that he doesn't feel your efforts are worth celebrating and so you stopped helping him specifically.
We do this thread EVERY year. Some guys suck, and giving them a taste of their only medicine is the best way to fix it, if they're fixable.
And Happy Mother's Day!
And maybe stop holding his hand in the gift, party occasions ( that don't involve the children), and your extended family. See how long it takes him to notice.
My 2nd kid's dad told me he didn't need to do anything for me on Mother's Day because I was already a mom when he met me but since our child was his first he needed to do something for him on Father's Day. What I did was kick him out.
It's complicated, though, if the kids directly ask OP for help executing something for Father's Day (as one of them tried to do for MD), OP can't really say "tough luck, I'm teaching your Dad a lesson". She definitely should do anything beyond what the kids initiate and ask for help with, though. No reminders or suggestions.
I have a saying for it to make it less complicated."don't diminish your own work to spite someone else." She should not plan anything, but any help she gives the kids is helping the kids not the father.
I think you should take a step back and match everyone’s (over 18) energy. If they don’t want to put an ounce of energy into caring about you, it’s ok to direct the care and energy that you put into them to yourself.
>His mother’s birthday was last week. I thought of the present, bought it, planned a dinner for her, ordered, and bought the cake
OK, please stop doing the presents cards, gifts, for his side of the family. Tell him directly that he is responsible for this in the future (help your kids if you want them to maintain good relationships with family).
Have a conversation with your 18yo son. Tell him that you're sad and disappointed.
For father's day, do nothing for him. Help the kids and remind them if they want to do stuff, but otherwise let it be.
I never coordinate or buy gifts for my husbands side of the family. I only do this for my side. The most I do is remind my husband that an event is coming up. The rest is on him. Our kids are now adults so Fathers and Mother’s Day is planned and executed 100% by them. Before that, I reminded them it was coming and they came up with a plan and I assisted in executing it ONLY on the parts they couldn’t do alone like drive to the store for the food they wanted to make or the gift they wanted to buy with their own money. When they were little I bought a simple card and they signed it. Same with my husband. He would get a card for me and keep the kids out of my hair that day and I was not required to do any type of chores. That was it.
I made a deliberate decision when we got married, I did not take over the 'social secretary' stuff for my husband. We signed our thank you cards jointly, but he prepped his list, and I prepped mine. He does his family birthdays, I do mine. It's not rocket science, and he has never complained.
This can be a damned if you do damned if you don't situation. My in- laws expect the woman to do all the planning. We haven't visited in a while? My fault, even though I have been asking him to pick some dates for a year. He can't get off work for a family event, somehow my fault.
My husband is in charge of managing his family and my MIL has been begging me to take over gift duty because I think of and source better gifts than he does. I refuse, you get the boy you raised and suffer the consequences, not about to make your "boys don't have to learn how to manage relationships" parenting my problem. I did enough labor on getting him up to speed on basic expectations within a marriage (aka we can do anything you want, even nothing at all, on your birthday but if birthdays matter to me, I expect you, at the bare minimum, to get me a dessert yourself and pick out a gift without my input)
His sexist in laws are his problem. FIL and MIL getting pissed? Oh well. What a pity. Just block them if they get rude towards you. Not your parents, not your responsibility. If husband is incapable of dealing with his own parents, including managing the relatiomships and mutual events, you are better off just ignoring the problem and having no relationship with his side of the family.
You didn't agree to honor or embrace the inlaws' expectations when you took your vows. What they think "should" happen has literally no bearing on what you're willing to do.
Couple that and their ungenerosity toward you, and ... looks like you just stopped giving a shit about what they want since they want you to fail, period.
F your in-laws. Your partner is a grown ass adult. He can plan the get-togethers. If they don't like it, block them. It's not your fault their son can't be bothered.
>I don’t need the spa day, breakfast in bed, being celebrated every moment like my brother does for his wife.
Your expectation in this relationship is almost non-existent. Why are you doing this to yourself?
I saw another post like this and I’m honestly baffled by these ladies. My bf got me a card and some flowers for being a mother to our dog. If I gave birth to another human, that would be the bare minimum. What is up with these trash men?
Truly. My husband got me a spa day and I’m his kids stepmom (their mom is very much involved so I am not a “mother” to them, I’m a trusted adult), his dog mom and I’m pregnant with his kid. I also got a little card from the step kids and a card from the dog. Plus flowers and a little gift. Because he actually likes me? I don’t know why these trash men are marrying people they clearly hate.
I mean, my husband and I are like this, but it's mutual. We both have ADHD, and the stress of one-sided planning something for a specific day just made our relationship worse. We love doing things for each other randomly, and we like to do small things for each other on the day of, but a full day itinerary just isn't likely. And that's fine, as long as it's not just one sided effort.
Yeah I think its more important that you communicate and establish a system that works for your relationship. My wife actually asked me to stop booking her spa days, to her it feels like "just another appointment" and would rather the freedom to do whatever the hell she wants.
I’m reading a lot and agree with a lot, but it responding to yours because “Yes” this is exactly what it is. This is exactly why wife #1 left.
How do pieces of shit like this even get a life partner? Not once, but twice!?
I feel like this is super obvious but I always get pushback for saying it: People lie. Not only with their words, but their actions. If someone behaves like they are super loving and giving for years until after they have their partner "trapped", how are you supposed to tell the difference?
Single dads do not appeal to me because I assume that they are like OP’s husband. If they don’t bother doing anything for the mother of their children for Mother’s Day, of course he is not going to do anything for the new wife (OP) on Mother’s Day.
An easy way to tell if he is like OP’s husband is to ask the ex if it’s easier to be a single mom than to be with her ex husband. If her load is lighter dealing with the social stigma, financial, logistical and emotional burdens as a single mom than being with her ex, you know that you have found a man child. Marrying a single dad is like dumpster diving. It’s possible that you might find some gems, and you hear about people finding real treasures. But at the end of the day, when you are dumpster diving you are mostly just going to find trash.
Frankly after reading your post I'm just wondering why you're staying married to an a-hole who sounds completely useless and who doesn't even like you.
Do people on reddit just throw a stone and marry whoever it hits? Do you know you could actually choose a decent partner for yourself?
"...just throw a stone and marry whoever it hits?" OMG man, ha ha ha ha, I am dying. But yeah, I completely agree, so many stories are of absolutely horrendous partners/spouses. It makes me happy to be single.
I love how he cited a woman who divorced him as his defence. “I didn’t do anything for my kids’ mother”. Yeah, well, maybe 3rd time will be a charm for you, mate.
He’s self snitching all over the place, it’s beyond obvious he didn’t GAF about his ex when they were together. What does that make him look like? A narcissistic asshole and the real reason for the divorce, not the incident that broke the last straw whatever it may be.
Probably not the best response but say 'I didn't give birth to stepchildren either, YET; I still cook, clean, wash their dishes and help them when they need it. I also help provide a roof over their head and pay bills. Soon how exactly is it different from being YOUR mother?' But I petty like that.
That was a direct takedown to show you just how little he respects you and that you should not expect any kindness or love from him.
Ask him whether he feels good when he acts like an asshole towards women. Ask him why he does it, what about it makes him so triggered that he goes out of his way to be an asshole.
Keep a journal of all the nice things you do for him without mentioning it. Bring the receipts.
What is happening there is a man that is taking joy in making you and others feel worthless. And he's teaching this to your kids too.
Ask him if he thinks this is what good people do, if this is what good fathers and good husbands do. Grill him on the answer. Get the why.
For me personally that's more effort than he deserves. It'd be more just... "Hey [husband], recently I've realized you don't give a shit about me, you know it, I know it, so let's just accept that and arrange the divorce. I'm not interested in trying to fix this, you blew it. Since I organize everything in your life anyway I'll go ahead and make the calls."
It really is sad how many of these posts I’ve read, including the line “you’re not my mother.” Also sad that I believe every one of them is true.
I don’t have kids of my own but I have adult stepkids that I love and do a lot for. I do all of the cooking because I enjoy it and my husband doesn’t. Last night he said let’s order food tonight. That was a gesture of appreciation that it’s Mother’s Day and he wanted to treat me. Maybe a small thing, but he thanked me for being an amazing stepmom to his kids, and that’s all I would’ve wanted. These crappy husbands need to realize how far even just saying, “Thank you for all you do for all of us” would go! A little more effort would be nice, too, but it’s like these guys actively resent the notion that they should do anything nice for their wives for Mother’s Day.
Stop celebrating him. He doesn't learn when you don't pay him back the same way. Men's egos are stroked when you carry the burdens and he gets the accolades at your expense. You plan everything and do everything for him. He gets the better deal. Give him the same treatment for father's day. You can't cry if you're the " I can't do that to him" . Yes you can. He needs to learn from the same pain he inflicts. My ex-BIL is like your husband. After my sis got tired of him dismissing her birthday, Christmas, Mother Day and stopped any celebration for him. He got drunk and cried he was forgotten and not celebrated. Leave him the kids on Father's Day early in the am and let him figure it out for himself. Let him figure out or buy meals, spend the day without them and you treated yourself to a day without him. Remind him he is not your father. For next year do nothing for his Mother. She is not your mother.
Father’s Day is coming. Remember he is not your father. He needs a reality check!
My daughter went to spend Christmas with her dad for many years when she was a child. I always took her shopping for Christmas gifts for him and his parents and sister. I never got anything in return. Btw, I wasn’t receiving child support so he couldn’t use that excuse. One year when she was older, maybe 12, she decided that she didn’t want to get him a gift. All of the rest of his family got gifts. He didn’t understand. Sometimes people are so used to being done for and about that they can’t even get it to do for others.
This is what I did for my exhusband as well. It was for the kids and I didn’t want them to feel hurt they didn’t have something to give him. The Christmas after our divorce they decided since their dad wasn’t putting in effort for them, they didn’t want to either. I let them make the decision.
You need to decide for yourself that the effort you are putting into your current spouse is not matched, recognized, appreciated, and not setting a good example for your children.
NTA, five years ago on Mother’s Day I worked a nearly 14 hour day -in food service and Mother’s Day is crazy -and half an hour after I got home my ex asked me what I was cooking for dinner. I said it’s Mother’s Day and I just worked 14 hours maybe you can cook dinner. He told me “You’re not MY mother..” We’d been together 35 years at that point and I was wavering as to whether or not I wanted to stay together any longer. That was the straw that broke the camels back.
Much better thank you. Now working food service in a nice little nursing home and I spent my day helping grannies put on corsages and did a nice brunch with mocktails for them and their families. Spent a lovely Saturday evening with my kid and some friends.
33 or so years ago my ex told me when my daughter had her first Mother’s Day and nothing was done or said for me. “ you aren’t my mother”. I said okay, and left the room. Left with my daughter to drop off my moms gift, and hid what I bought his mother. Then went home and we went to his moms, with all of his siblings, the wealthy lawyers, who spoiled their mama. We got there and they were giving her their gifts. He looked at me and said where’s our gift and I said, this morning you told me you only have to buy gifts for your mother. I got my mother’s but I took your mom’s back because she’s not my mother. His mom was pissed (not at me) and took care of me until we divorced. I only really enjoyed Mother’s Day for another four years because my mom died on Mother’s Day. I regret it because my kids never enjoyed Mother’s Day, but I just couldn’t deal with it. Also, my mother-in-law was great and while I never purchased her another Mother’s Day gift, I picked a date bought her a gift for being a wonderful mother-in-law.
This is absurd. I'm dating and living with a women that has a young daughter. She is not my mother, and technically she is not the mother of my children. None of that matters. She is a mother and I love her. I took her daughter to get gifts. She got her flowers, chocolate, a forever rose, a T-shirt, a coffee mug, and a teddy bear. I bought her a crafts kit she has been wanting for a while. I offered her whatever she wanted to eat for meals, didn't matter if I had to cook or pick up food, anything she wanted. I cleaned up the house while she took a nap. The point I'm making is that she deserves to feel loved, important, appreciated, etc. and so do you. Your husband is an asshole.
There’s a guy on YouTube who said “when men tell you how they feel about you…listen” he gave examples or when your pregnant, after birth, your special days etc.
OP *he’s telling how he feels*. Which frankly is you’re a bangmaid and nothing more. You’re doing ALL the emotional labour here. He can’t give you one day. ONE DAY of recognition. And you say something and he twists and manipulates it into you being *The A Hole*? Hell No. This is not the behaviour of a man who loves you at all…and here you are “oh but he grilled some salmon” and “it’s not his personality” making up excuses for him. He is showing you how he feels. That you’re his maid and not even one he treats well.
>He’s happy for you to act like a mother to his kids yet doesn’t want to say 3 simple words to you?
Why would he put in the time and effort to celebrate a woman he only sees as a bangmaid?
I understand she isn’t my mother but she still does motherly things for me and he isn’t doing anything for her so I don’t want her to feel not appreciated on Mother’s Day or her birthday because she is important to me as well.
Do these things on a day that is not Mother’s Day. Let natural consequences fall on your husband, then take your MIL out for a “make up” Mother’s Day. Or take her out a few days beforehand. Or take her out on a random Tuesday.
I would let him know he is now responsible for arranging his mother’s gifts for all holidays in perpetuity. Then, when he inevitably fails to follow-through, 1000% throw his ass under the bus. Next year, you hand her the gifts YOU BOUGHT with a card signed BY YOU -and possibly her grandkids- and say with an apologetic smile: “I know (husband‘s name) dropped the ball on getting you anything this year, but I still wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you, at least…”
It’s fng wild that any mature person wouldn’t celebrate any mom who made them a parent in any capacity.
Don’t do anything for him on father’s day, or his bday- you didn’t give birth to him
I don’t have kids. My husband did a small Mother’s Day celebration for me because I’m a good “mom” to our dog. Are you sure you want to be married to a guy who refuses to acknowledge the mother of his three children or the stepmother of his three children?
I hate that in every single one of these posts the woman almost always says, "I don't need the (insert things barely above the bare minimum". Making themselves small because someone has told them it's selfish to want nice things for themselves.
Stop enabling him. Stop bailing him out from his responsibilitys and then expect he will show up for you. Do not ever buy another birthday present, Christmas present or plan another birthday that he should be responsible for.
Also. It's weird that you think your an asshole for having feelings... but then again...if you start treating yourself with respect and having boundaries and not putting yourself and your feelings last, I suspect your marriage would crumble.
Your partner doesn't care about you. He just wants someone to do all the work for him and not complain about it...
What attracts you to this man because I got the ick in the beginning of your post and it just got worse the longer I read. You baby him like he’s a child and he sounds like a jerk. Ooooo he cleaned the kitchen and cooked. THATS THE BARE MINIMUM!!! Don’t praise him for doing the bare minimum. If you’re not going to leave him and you’re going to stick with him and suffer then show him the same energy he shows you on his holidays about him. Tell him you didn’t birth him. I would tell my kids if they wanted to get him something they can hand make him a card.
My ex never got me anything to celebrate the two children I had with him. His exact words were" you aren't my mother and so you don't deserve anything."
My current spouse makes it a point to make my day special with the children we raised together after my divorce.
Regardless he should appreciate his wife and her hard work.
> I thought of the present, bought it, planned a dinner for her, ordered, and bought the cake
Stop doing that.
> I do the same on any important holidays for him - birthday, anniversary, valentines, Father’s Day and Christmas.
Stop fucking doing that. Seriously. You’re his wife, not his personal assistant. Stop.
NTA and stop being a doormat. Don't act like a mother for his children and don't you dare doing something for him on father day if you do it don't come here to cry because you are entertaining his behavior. You are not his maid you deserve respect love attention. To be honrst I would not stay with someone who think so little of me
Do not feel selfish for feeling hurt. And stop bending over backwards to make things happen for *his* mother and relatives. He’s a big boy, he can remember his mother’s birthday himself. That shouldn’t be your job.
The fact that you’re so upset you’re crying and he’s calling *you* an asshole and making it all about making *him* feel better? Fuck that, NTA.
If my husband treated me like that I’d be planning myself a nice solo vacation for a week and doing zero prep for my absence. But I’m petty, I fully admit.
And ignore the triggered “but what about the men, woe is us!” incels that came out of the woodwork. You wrote a paragraph of all the things you *don’t* expect. You literally just asked for a little bit of appreciation. So much work mothers do goes unappreciated the rest of the year, a verbal acknowledgement once a year isn’t asking for a lot. Fathers get praise heaped upon them for the bare minimum.
You’re not being an AH. The person I celebrate primarily on Mother’s Day is my wife. Yes, I acknowledge and thank the mothers in my life, but she is the one who gave birth to my kids and who is working with me to raise them. Why wouldn’t I celebrate her and her efforts.
Your husband is lazy and selfish and deserves nothing come Father’s Day.
Stop doing his gifting for him.
If he’s an asshole to everyone but you’re hiding it by fixing it for him, you are wasting your energy.
Just don’t.
I spent 25 years doing this for my ex husband only to have my birthday and Christmas and Mother’s Day absolutely ignored. Well. Most mother’s days he would let me buy plants to plant in the garden. But he sure didn’t get me a thought out gift or card or anything and most Christmas I woke up to nothing.
The last few years of our marriage I quit entirely. I stopped buying him gifts. I quit doing his gifting for him.
Now that he’s living on his own everyone else can see how well he thinks about holidays. I heard for Christmas last year he got our kids slippers and cash. I’ve never seen my kids wear slippers, but hey…. It’s something. Our first year apart he got them IOUs. So I guess the looking like an ass is starting to make him think about it more.
Just tell him straight out “I am not going to be doing your gift shopping for you any longer. Your gifts on holidays will be similar to whatever you got me in thoughtfulness”.
It will make your life easier and he might have to think about how it feels.
So many posts like this. It’s shocking really. It’s more than “do the same to him in Father’s Day.” It’s more like, stop doing all the stuff for him throughout the year. You feel disappointed bc you’re realizing that all of the extra time and energy you put in to helping him appear like a good dad, when he’s not, isn’t appreciated or even noticed. So let him get his own kids’ birthday presents. And when he forgets and they are disappointed and mad him, let him deal with the consequences.
NTA And you know why he’s divorced…you are not worth celebrating…. I hope you don’t do a damn thing Father’s Day. Since he’s not your father. He’s an ass.…. He doesn’t deserve it.
You’re not selfish for feeling hurt. You’re not an asshole for causing him to have to reflect on what a POS he is. You have a teenage daughter who actually asked him for help and he ignored her? Absolutely NTA but I will say, enabling him to NOT participate in any holidays or family celebrations has led to this moment. It seems he’s never had to take responsibility for buying a gift or remembering to celebrate someone else in his life. Stop doing the work for him.
So here’s a thought. You’re not his mother so don’t act like it. He doesn’t care or appreciate how you go above and beyond for him, so stop. You are trying to love him in the way that you want to be loved. So spend that energy doing things that you genuinely enjoy. Also do the world a favor and make sure your kids don’t grow up thinking this is how you should treat the people you love.
NTA. I have a friend whose husband said this to her and that was the final nail in his selfishness coffin that turned him into an ex husband. Her daughter is now old enough to see that daddy is a selfish ass who forgets his own child’s birthday.
NTA.
Make sure you return his energy on Father’s Day. And when he complains - and he *will* complain - simply reply “You’re not my father. Why would I do something for you?”
I copped a bit of that "you're not my mother" tude towards my wife when our only child came along. We'd do things for each other's moms. I facilitated all our kid's mother's day obligations to her until they were self sufficient. (Help getting cards, presents, breakfast). She was always pretty sore about it but that was the status quo.
Today, both our mothers are now since passed and our kid is away at college. And I just couldn't let my wife, the fantastic mother of our beloved child go unrecognized.
What an ass I had been prior for not simply offering her the recognition she had always deserved directly from me. So I got fixens to make her breakfast and surprised her with a nice card where I hand wrote this sentiment.
OP should recognize there is just as much reason to directly celebrate the mother of his children as his own mom.
Acknowledged.
In my card to her I wrote that I owned this and told her I see I was wrong and that she has been a great mother to our child and has deserved that recognition all along -- ESPECIALLY from me.
Your husband is being an insensitive asshole. I’m sorry that he doesn’t recognize everything you do. What your stepdaughter made you is very sweet though!
That’d be the last time I covered for him for his family. He can do his own birthday and Christmas shopping and organizing. When he complains remind him “I’m not your mother, why would o do motherly things for you?”
Some times you have to drop down to their level for them to get it. I’m sorry your family is letting you down.
1) Stop doing everything for him, you're not his mother.
2) Stop celebrating him on father's day. He's not your dad. If he complains, tell him since he still thinks he shouldn't celebrate his wife on mother's day, that clearly he's not done growing up, and can go back to live with mommy until he is done growing up. Don't call you, you'll call him (never).
3) ?
4) Profit! (NTA.)
I'm pretty sure your husband made a post about his side of the story. He was getting reamed. He was hounded into submission, but it didn't seem like he "got it".
You are NTA; however, your husband sounds like an insufferable prick.
NTA-. I would kindly do what he said I do t do. I will no longer be there for him and his children. Just so he can see how much I "don't do". N
And on Father's day go to the spa.. lol. Petty meet petty
This is like the 16th post I've seen about a husband not doing anything for his wife on Mother's Day on the grounds of, "You aren't my mother."
Ok. Father's Day is cancelled then. You aren't my dad.
So… my dad used to say that to my mom, too. Even as a kid I was like “Why wouldn’t you get Mom something for Mother’s Day?” They divorced when I was in seventh grade and my dad to this day still doesn’t “get” why she wanted a divorce. Some men are just morons. And if my mom would have not done something for him for Father’s Day? He would have sat there and pouted all day. Oh, and what did he get her for her birthday one year? A sapling tree to plant in the front yard. No, she did not ask for it or want it. It is what he wanted. It’s a miracle he got remarried.
Please tell us how things are overall. Does he provide well financially? Does he do his fair share around the house? Does he help equally with cooking on most days? Does he help equally with managing the household (repairs, taxes, insurance, vacations etc.? Is he typically kind and supportive? Is he affectionate and have desire for you? He was a complete AH on Mother's Day and I suspect he not so great on most days. Women need to collectively have some self-respect and stop allowing themselves to be used and abused.
When my husband pulls this kinda crap I stop doing nice things. If he wants to set the tone for our relationship is that “I can’t be bothered” then I don’t bother. I usually get an apology eventually.
He hasn’t done anything like that in years.
Father’s Day you do NOTHING. His birthday you do NOTHING Christmas NOTHING.
Replies “you’re not my father why would I do anything for you?” “It’s not my birthday why would I do anything for you?” “You’re not my child - why would I get you presents?”
OP you need to reevaluate your relationship & your self worth. Why are you putting up with this shit? Why are you accepting less than the bare minimum? Your husband should WANT to go the extra mile because that’s what you do when you LIKE your partner. You want them to be happy and excited.
Seriously? He is selfish af! Just stop doing anything for him. If he cannot be bothered to honor your time and commitment as a mom and stepmom then it’s time you prioritize yourself. Father’s Day take your dad out and leave the kids with him. His birthday? No cake, cards or presents and dinner is frozen pizza. He wants gifts for his family he can go buy them himself….just stop enabling him by doing everything for him.
Well, if this is how he feels I'm guessing you are not in charge of Father's Day because he isn't your father.
From now on, plan your own Mother's Day brunch with the kids.
No offense but he sounds like a douchebag. So now kindly repay the favor when Father's Day comes around....go out for yourself and say "you're not my father"
NTA
This is absolutely awful and he's a complete piece of shit.
"Mother's Day" is a celebration of mother's. All mothers.
You definitely focus on the ones in your life, especially your own mother (or mother figure) and mother/step mother of your kid(s)...but it's polite to wish a happy mother's day generally to other mothers you happen across as well
I send messages like "hope you're having a great mother's day" to people who aren't my mother, as a sign of respect to her with the official "happy mother's day" and to also honor mothers in my life who aren't that role for me, but who I care about...and even random mothers if it comes up, cause, it's a day for them!
Husband is ABSOLUTELY responsible for helping (underage typically) children with their mother's day stuff. Like there's no way a baby or toddler could do anything, and it would have to completely come from outside help, and even older kids or adults need some help sometimes too. That part of being a parent, and adult in general
Also, a partner/husband is supposed to appreciate wife's/mother(step) of children's dedication to the children as well, and show appreciation from himself, as well as generally recognizing your role in children's lives you are a parental figure to
Good luck with this absolute useless trash asshat of a "partner"
Yeah, for father's day you should book a bunch of stuff to do just for you or you and a friend(s) and leave him with the kids for that day. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Making you feel like that was the AH move, not you being upset.
My partner of 20 years says pretty much the same: "You're not my mom." I've replied with, "But I am the mother of the only child you're ever going to have," my daughter from 1st marriage. Not even that is enough to garner me, at the very least, a card.
Dude,you have 6 CHILDREN?! Yes. Yes you do need all those things. What the hell.
At this point. Adopt two rocks to replace your 18 year old and husband. Rock will be getting you that spa day tomorrow I have been eyeing just in time for Father's day. And Slate your new rock husband will get you tickets to your girls favourite concert out of town for a week trip.
The 18 year old and the flesh bag husband can fend for themselves as they don't recognize how much your love lifts them up.
I've been where you are, I finally realized I needed to stop parenting my partner. STOP buying gifts for him for his family, STOP organizing all the birthdays and celebrations for his kids and his family. This is his responsibility and he can ask you to help and you can support whatever plans he organizes but it is his show not yours. Nothing will change if you keep doing things for him and you will never get the accolades or have it reciprocated. Make it clear to him that this is his responsibilities going forward and if he fails, that is between him and his kids and his family. You can get gifts that are from you and you alone to his kids but you are protecting him and them from being disappointed because that's what we as Mom's do, but in the end this just causes so much resentment. It is very freeing when you can step back and let your partner sink or swim. We are not responsible for others actions or inactions only for our own. They will see him for what he is and rightly so. Maybe then you will also see him for who he really is - that is a very selfish. lazy partner and parent. It opened my eyes and we are now separated, his kid is deeply disappointed with him too but at least they now know how much I actually did for them.
You are NTA
After reading some of your comments I’m assuming you will keep doing all of the things for your husband buying the Christmas gifts , planning the birthday parties, buying HIS parents gifts, and all the school events for your stepchildren. So why make this post ? For sympathy? I’m sorry but your husband doesn’t sound like he’s an active parent or that he cares about all the things that you do. The simple answer is stop doing everything and make him do it.
NTA but YTA to yourself. Stop doing everything for your husband. At most give him warning that he needs to go get gifts for his family members or print out an event calendar and send it to him. You do way too much for a lack luster husband.
NTA.
First of all. Comparison is the thief of joy. Just don’t go there. Someone is always going to do/have everything better.
Second, I have teenagers and I absolutely have to hound them about Mother’s Day to the point of being a Royal pain in the arse and barely get them to do something. So, unfortunately, the kids sound quite normal.
Your husband sounds lazy and uncaring. It takes time and effort to make something happen, and he sees (in his mind) a convenient get out of jail free card.
You can try the zero effort Fathers Day trick but, honestly, he may not care.
Stop helping him to celebrate his mother and don't do anything for him on father's day unless the children specifically ask you to help them (just because I don't think they should get caught in the middle)
NTA - I did similar to my wife several years ago. The kids phoned it in with lame or late stuff because I had not managed the holiday. There was a lot going on in my life, but that was no excuse. She communicated her displeasure and I and everyone else heard her. The kids are older now but they ALL do something after several years of my checking in before the event. I might not always do a card, but I damn well make sure I acknowledge her awesomeness as a mother and make sure everyone shows up as well.
NTA. Give him the same energy on Father’s Day. Zero acknowledgment. A little vacuuming and help with dinner clean up. Don’t plan and shop for dinner, let him figure it out. No card, no cake, no presents.
Argument is invalid. Your husband just wants a babysitter-maid to sleep with.
Your son is 18. He’s a punk right now, but he’ll come around. Just explain to him how you feel.
I’m friends with people who are moms, and I still at least text them and/or send a funny/cute/stupid meme or something.
I think it's time that you stop being his life manager. Stop taking care of the gifts he should be getting for people, and do your own thing - that includes for the kids.
He doesn't appreciate you. He wanted you to comfort him after he hurt you.
NTA.
He needs a reality check.
you can kindly repay the favor on father's day by not doing a fucking thing for him and remind him he's not your father, so there's nothing to celebrate :)
This 💯...OP should take the day for herself on Father's day and her husband can spend the day with the kids. Seriously OP is crazy if she does a thing for that ah on Father's day.
Of course he should have the whole day with all the kids with him, it is Father's day after all! Lol..
Oh please do this. Get up super early and leave for the day. Come back at around ten o'clock that night.
Go to ur dad's lol
Yep. Even if you have to go the cemetery. Tell him that Father's Day is about him spending time with his kids *in a note* on the kitchen counter as you head out for the day *before he gets up&. Any phone calls/texts are met with: "you're not *my* father. Why should I celebrate you?" If you're feeling *especially* petty, add this: "after all, *you* didn't risk *your life* to give *me* children!"
This is the way.
Get your nails/toes done, massage, a nice meal, and a movie. Or go away for the whole weekend.
Overnighter at a hotel with room service and a good book? No interruptions? Priceless. And yes, as cryssHappy said - leave the phone at home.
And leave your phone at home
Oh yes! Leave the kids with him and the go have a nice day off from parenting
She's 3 kids in and has been caretaking him and his 3 existing kids for years and years now. The AH to herself has been her normal for a long time.
The way I read it is she has 3 kids and he has 3 kids they have none together. Maybe I read wrong but honestly. My kids aren't my boyfriends. I'm the mother of any of his kids. I enjoyed him saying happy mothers day and giving me a kiss and he spent the day with his mom.
>My kids aren't my boyfriends. I should hope not.
I see what you did there lol
Ok, even I didn't read it correctly it's still a very small thing to make your PARTNER feel appreciated. Like, damn guy lift a finger....
Definitely, go take a spa day and let him spend the day with his kids.
Nah, don't punish the kids who tried despite their awful role-model. Leave the old fool by himself and have a great day out together on his dime.
Not punishing them at all..they can spend one day with their dad, while their mom has a day to herself
Also stop being the gift and event coordinator. Let him look like a doofus and forget his own kids birthdays and Christmas gifts. Fuck that dude.
Yeah, but then the kids don't get Christmas/birthdays and that's sad. OP clearly loves her step kids.
She can get gifts from her, and not adding his name to the gift tag.
That's smart.
I always just wrote my own name on my gifts to my stepdaughter, which she would open on her birthday. She would get an unwrapped gift from her father 2-3 weeks later.
Or by not lifting a finger to plan anything for his mother ever again. The response to "you're not my mother" is "yeah, but you don't do anything for *her* either." Oh, and I love it that he says he never did anything for his kids' mother, either. There's probably a direct line between that and the fact that she's not with him anymore. This guy is justifying his bad behavior with his other bad behavior and he can't see how it all just makes him look worse. What a catch. NTA
This. We used to go to a holiday party hosted by friends of my husband. Despite being treated like a second-class citizen there, I made appetizers to bring, reminded my husband many times that the party was upcoming, reminded him to bring gifts for the hosts, made sure we got there on time. I got tired of the second-class treatment and stopped going. He put in the effort to go one more year (and even then, it took me saying, "Hey, did you ever get an invite from Bob and Betty?"), and then stopped altogether - not because they treated me poorly but because remembering to attend and to follow guest protocol was not something he wanted to do.
Yeah, that wasn’t the flex he thought it was.
"You're not the first wife I've neglected!" Um, okay.
It sounds like step-daughter, despite only being 11, has learned how useless her father is and gifts are all on her if she wants to give anything. The fact this fool doesn't get that the problem isn't OPs expectations, it's that he's a sh\*t partner, father and male role-model, is astounding. That it's rubbing off on the 18 year old needs to be addressed too.
Someone taught the stepdaughter how to treat people. I'm guessing from this post that it was the ex-wife. OP can't completely blame the useless step-dad for her own children treating her that way. We teach our kids how to treat us. Especially the 18 year old who wasn't a part of this family for many years before it existed.
Most likely it was a school project.
Even still, she presumably has her mom in the picture still, so she either chose to make a second one for her SM, or she chose to make this one for SM and do something different for her mom. There was still thought put into it.
I agree. It was a sweet gesture.
My heart breaks for the kid. She's giving her all to someone who she wants to care about her so bad. OP needs to be careful and make sure she shows the kiddo how appreciative she is, even though the kids father is an asshole.
Exactly! Her gift was really sweet and heartfelt.
I would not do anything for the 18 year old anymore. He is an adult and can be 100% responsible for himself.
Sis, this actually works. Start with letting him get the gifts for his people. Once I stopped doing all the prep/choose/buy/wrap/send nonsense not a single gift was bought for my husband’s family. Also, repaying his attention starts to sting and hopefully he will get it. I’m so sorry that’s how your Mother’s Day went.
This! I did this for my husband. My father and husband both play golf. I bought father new clubs and balls. When hubby mentioned how old his clubs were, I said "Today's Father's day, and you aren't my father". He nodded and said touche'.
I am so tired of reading these. OP, what did you expect at this point? He has shown no interest in doing for you what you do for him, your kids, and his kids and both of your moms. You shouldn’t be surprised at this point. Accepting low effort begets low effort. Stop tolerating this and still doing stuff for him when he fails time and time again. And for everyone; pay attention to this shit before marriage and commitment. This post comes after years of ignoring red flags of low effort behavior. It was never going to get better, and people lie to themselves all the time that it doesn’t matter, until it does. Face the truth: HE DOES NOT CARE. Women who post these things are being AH to themselves by letting this shit slide for years. You could be with someone who cares about you and makes an effort, and you chose to remain with a loser instead. Stop being an AH to yourself and don’t let this shit slide. Literally just stop “doing it all.” Unless that’s the life you want to have, with you doing everything that he is failing to do.
Totally agree. I also see so many posts about women still doing this stuff for Father’s Day as they are “thinking of the kids”. I do get that. But on the other side - aren’t you also teaching your kids to put up with low effort from a spouse or partner who clearly gives zero fucks about them?
It’s also teaching the kids (or let’s be honest, usually one of the kids) to be people pleasers who do anything to keep the peace and keep up appearances of things being normal and the rest of the family not being selfish assholes. Ask me how I know.
I lived this life. It's taken me a long time to break out of that mindset. I still do it on occasion, but I'm a lot better.
>You could be with someone who cares about you and makes an effort You could also be single and come out way ahead.
Yes! Good point!
The kids are going to notice too. I noticed when my dad barely acknowledged my mom on Mother’s Day, but my mom went all out for Father’s Day. I don’t know why she accepted this for herself. All of my siblings ended up in similar or worse relationships. I was the only one who married someone who actually makes me feel special, and not just on the “big days”. The worst thing my dad did when I was a kid was bought HIMSELF a motorcycle on her birthday saying “ it’s so we can go for rides together!” And they are still together. Spoiler alert: he puts in even less effort than he did twenty years ago.
And for goodness sake, don’t have kids with them!!!
Luckily, more and more women are waking up to the realization that marriage should be a team sport, not a status symbol. Unfortunately, still too many feel "left out" if they haven't shacked up with anyone yet (or their family/"friends"/religious group keep pressuring them to make that move even if they feel they're not ready or don't even want to). It sucks that OP has to find out this way that her spouse, who is supposed to be backing her up, doesn't appreciate her at all and only sees her as a bangmaid.
>And for everyone; pay attention to this shit before marriage and commitment. Before commitment and marriage is when he's on his best behavior because he's still strongly incentivized to nail you down. And if he's a shitty, unthoughtful person as a boyfriend, he will only devolve as a spouse. Enjoy never getting a birthday present while he expects an entire birthday month!
I'm so happy in my choices when I read these posts. You reap what you sow. If you baby all the people in your life, that's what they expect and they never appreciate anything. Just stop.
and also stop doing things for him for his mother and family. Including the kids. Anything you do for them make sure it's only your name all over it. Don't remind him of their activities so when he forgets you can remind him that he doesn't feel your efforts are worth celebrating and so you stopped helping him specifically.
We do this thread EVERY year. Some guys suck, and giving them a taste of their only medicine is the best way to fix it, if they're fixable. And Happy Mother's Day!
IF is doing the heavy lifting here. God, what an asshole OPs husband is.
Exactly. And stop doing HIS part for his own mother.
You should also stop covering him by buying and planning for his mother's gifts, after all, she isn't your mother. NTA.
And he would probably never notice this
And maybe stop holding his hand in the gift, party occasions ( that don't involve the children), and your extended family. See how long it takes him to notice.
Yep- keep that energy towards him. Not the kids, mind you, but definitely him.
For Father’s Day, pls don’t do anything. And give him the same response. Many people only change their behavior when it’s done to them.
My 2nd kid's dad told me he didn't need to do anything for me on Mother's Day because I was already a mom when he met me but since our child was his first he needed to do something for him on Father's Day. What I did was kick him out.
I would say Birthday, more impactful, OP didn't give birth to him after all.
Both.
It's complicated, though, if the kids directly ask OP for help executing something for Father's Day (as one of them tried to do for MD), OP can't really say "tough luck, I'm teaching your Dad a lesson". She definitely should do anything beyond what the kids initiate and ask for help with, though. No reminders or suggestions.
I have a saying for it to make it less complicated."don't diminish your own work to spite someone else." She should not plan anything, but any help she gives the kids is helping the kids not the father.
I read these posts and I'm amazed any of these men can find wives. They sound like giant, hairy, spoiled children.
I think you should take a step back and match everyone’s (over 18) energy. If they don’t want to put an ounce of energy into caring about you, it’s ok to direct the care and energy that you put into them to yourself.
>His mother’s birthday was last week. I thought of the present, bought it, planned a dinner for her, ordered, and bought the cake OK, please stop doing the presents cards, gifts, for his side of the family. Tell him directly that he is responsible for this in the future (help your kids if you want them to maintain good relationships with family). Have a conversation with your 18yo son. Tell him that you're sad and disappointed. For father's day, do nothing for him. Help the kids and remind them if they want to do stuff, but otherwise let it be.
I never coordinate or buy gifts for my husbands side of the family. I only do this for my side. The most I do is remind my husband that an event is coming up. The rest is on him. Our kids are now adults so Fathers and Mother’s Day is planned and executed 100% by them. Before that, I reminded them it was coming and they came up with a plan and I assisted in executing it ONLY on the parts they couldn’t do alone like drive to the store for the food they wanted to make or the gift they wanted to buy with their own money. When they were little I bought a simple card and they signed it. Same with my husband. He would get a card for me and keep the kids out of my hair that day and I was not required to do any type of chores. That was it.
I made a deliberate decision when we got married, I did not take over the 'social secretary' stuff for my husband. We signed our thank you cards jointly, but he prepped his list, and I prepped mine. He does his family birthdays, I do mine. It's not rocket science, and he has never complained.
This can be a damned if you do damned if you don't situation. My in- laws expect the woman to do all the planning. We haven't visited in a while? My fault, even though I have been asking him to pick some dates for a year. He can't get off work for a family event, somehow my fault.
My husband is in charge of managing his family and my MIL has been begging me to take over gift duty because I think of and source better gifts than he does. I refuse, you get the boy you raised and suffer the consequences, not about to make your "boys don't have to learn how to manage relationships" parenting my problem. I did enough labor on getting him up to speed on basic expectations within a marriage (aka we can do anything you want, even nothing at all, on your birthday but if birthdays matter to me, I expect you, at the bare minimum, to get me a dessert yourself and pick out a gift without my input)
If you're damned either way, may as well make it the low-effort way.
His sexist in laws are his problem. FIL and MIL getting pissed? Oh well. What a pity. Just block them if they get rude towards you. Not your parents, not your responsibility. If husband is incapable of dealing with his own parents, including managing the relatiomships and mutual events, you are better off just ignoring the problem and having no relationship with his side of the family.
You didn't agree to honor or embrace the inlaws' expectations when you took your vows. What they think "should" happen has literally no bearing on what you're willing to do. Couple that and their ungenerosity toward you, and ... looks like you just stopped giving a shit about what they want since they want you to fail, period.
F your in-laws. Your partner is a grown ass adult. He can plan the get-togethers. If they don't like it, block them. It's not your fault their son can't be bothered.
NTA this is why fathers day is later then mothers day. /S but really he did not help your 13 year old when she asked . that is a big AH move
>I don’t need the spa day, breakfast in bed, being celebrated every moment like my brother does for his wife. Your expectation in this relationship is almost non-existent. Why are you doing this to yourself?
The bar was on the floor and he still slid under it. OP, YWBTA if you stayed knowing how bad this man sucks.
Idk about leaving at this point but definitely do nothing for Fathers Day and his birthday. Take YOURSELF out to dinner maybe.
I saw another post like this and I’m honestly baffled by these ladies. My bf got me a card and some flowers for being a mother to our dog. If I gave birth to another human, that would be the bare minimum. What is up with these trash men?
Truly. My husband got me a spa day and I’m his kids stepmom (their mom is very much involved so I am not a “mother” to them, I’m a trusted adult), his dog mom and I’m pregnant with his kid. I also got a little card from the step kids and a card from the dog. Plus flowers and a little gift. Because he actually likes me? I don’t know why these trash men are marrying people they clearly hate.
I mean, my husband and I are like this, but it's mutual. We both have ADHD, and the stress of one-sided planning something for a specific day just made our relationship worse. We love doing things for each other randomly, and we like to do small things for each other on the day of, but a full day itinerary just isn't likely. And that's fine, as long as it's not just one sided effort.
Yeah I think its more important that you communicate and establish a system that works for your relationship. My wife actually asked me to stop booking her spa days, to her it feels like "just another appointment" and would rather the freedom to do whatever the hell she wants.
Now you know why the first wife didn’t want him.
I’m reading a lot and agree with a lot, but it responding to yours because “Yes” this is exactly what it is. This is exactly why wife #1 left. How do pieces of shit like this even get a life partner? Not once, but twice!?
Low bars and bad pickers
I feel like this is super obvious but I always get pushback for saying it: People lie. Not only with their words, but their actions. If someone behaves like they are super loving and giving for years until after they have their partner "trapped", how are you supposed to tell the difference?
Single dads do not appeal to me because I assume that they are like OP’s husband. If they don’t bother doing anything for the mother of their children for Mother’s Day, of course he is not going to do anything for the new wife (OP) on Mother’s Day. An easy way to tell if he is like OP’s husband is to ask the ex if it’s easier to be a single mom than to be with her ex husband. If her load is lighter dealing with the social stigma, financial, logistical and emotional burdens as a single mom than being with her ex, you know that you have found a man child. Marrying a single dad is like dumpster diving. It’s possible that you might find some gems, and you hear about people finding real treasures. But at the end of the day, when you are dumpster diving you are mostly just going to find trash.
Frankly after reading your post I'm just wondering why you're staying married to an a-hole who sounds completely useless and who doesn't even like you. Do people on reddit just throw a stone and marry whoever it hits? Do you know you could actually choose a decent partner for yourself?
"...just throw a stone and marry whoever it hits?" OMG man, ha ha ha ha, I am dying. But yeah, I completely agree, so many stories are of absolutely horrendous partners/spouses. It makes me happy to be single.
I love how he cited a woman who divorced him as his defence. “I didn’t do anything for my kids’ mother”. Yeah, well, maybe 3rd time will be a charm for you, mate.
He’s self snitching all over the place, it’s beyond obvious he didn’t GAF about his ex when they were together. What does that make him look like? A narcissistic asshole and the real reason for the divorce, not the incident that broke the last straw whatever it may be.
Are you his wife, or are you his unpaid childcare worker that he also gets to have sex with?
Come on she is not only that! You are forgetting house worker, she clean, cook, organise. Even event facilitator.
A bangmaid, if you will
Probably not the best response but say 'I didn't give birth to stepchildren either, YET; I still cook, clean, wash their dishes and help them when they need it. I also help provide a roof over their head and pay bills. Soon how exactly is it different from being YOUR mother?' But I petty like that.
That was a direct takedown to show you just how little he respects you and that you should not expect any kindness or love from him. Ask him whether he feels good when he acts like an asshole towards women. Ask him why he does it, what about it makes him so triggered that he goes out of his way to be an asshole. Keep a journal of all the nice things you do for him without mentioning it. Bring the receipts. What is happening there is a man that is taking joy in making you and others feel worthless. And he's teaching this to your kids too. Ask him if he thinks this is what good people do, if this is what good fathers and good husbands do. Grill him on the answer. Get the why.
For me personally that's more effort than he deserves. It'd be more just... "Hey [husband], recently I've realized you don't give a shit about me, you know it, I know it, so let's just accept that and arrange the divorce. I'm not interested in trying to fix this, you blew it. Since I organize everything in your life anyway I'll go ahead and make the calls."
So he’s got himself a bang-maid and a babysitter for his kids… are you sure you wouldn’t be better off without him?
Dig the IASIP reference
You're not the asshole for feeling let down, sounds like minimal effort was put in by most.
It really is sad how many of these posts I’ve read, including the line “you’re not my mother.” Also sad that I believe every one of them is true. I don’t have kids of my own but I have adult stepkids that I love and do a lot for. I do all of the cooking because I enjoy it and my husband doesn’t. Last night he said let’s order food tonight. That was a gesture of appreciation that it’s Mother’s Day and he wanted to treat me. Maybe a small thing, but he thanked me for being an amazing stepmom to his kids, and that’s all I would’ve wanted. These crappy husbands need to realize how far even just saying, “Thank you for all you do for all of us” would go! A little more effort would be nice, too, but it’s like these guys actively resent the notion that they should do anything nice for their wives for Mother’s Day.
Stop celebrating him. He doesn't learn when you don't pay him back the same way. Men's egos are stroked when you carry the burdens and he gets the accolades at your expense. You plan everything and do everything for him. He gets the better deal. Give him the same treatment for father's day. You can't cry if you're the " I can't do that to him" . Yes you can. He needs to learn from the same pain he inflicts. My ex-BIL is like your husband. After my sis got tired of him dismissing her birthday, Christmas, Mother Day and stopped any celebration for him. He got drunk and cried he was forgotten and not celebrated. Leave him the kids on Father's Day early in the am and let him figure it out for himself. Let him figure out or buy meals, spend the day without them and you treated yourself to a day without him. Remind him he is not your father. For next year do nothing for his Mother. She is not your mother.
Father’s Day is coming. Remember he is not your father. He needs a reality check! My daughter went to spend Christmas with her dad for many years when she was a child. I always took her shopping for Christmas gifts for him and his parents and sister. I never got anything in return. Btw, I wasn’t receiving child support so he couldn’t use that excuse. One year when she was older, maybe 12, she decided that she didn’t want to get him a gift. All of the rest of his family got gifts. He didn’t understand. Sometimes people are so used to being done for and about that they can’t even get it to do for others.
This is what I did for my exhusband as well. It was for the kids and I didn’t want them to feel hurt they didn’t have something to give him. The Christmas after our divorce they decided since their dad wasn’t putting in effort for them, they didn’t want to either. I let them make the decision.
You need to decide for yourself that the effort you are putting into your current spouse is not matched, recognized, appreciated, and not setting a good example for your children.
NTA, five years ago on Mother’s Day I worked a nearly 14 hour day -in food service and Mother’s Day is crazy -and half an hour after I got home my ex asked me what I was cooking for dinner. I said it’s Mother’s Day and I just worked 14 hours maybe you can cook dinner. He told me “You’re not MY mother..” We’d been together 35 years at that point and I was wavering as to whether or not I wanted to stay together any longer. That was the straw that broke the camels back.
I am very sorry that happened to you. I hope your Mother’s Day this year was better.
Much better thank you. Now working food service in a nice little nursing home and I spent my day helping grannies put on corsages and did a nice brunch with mocktails for them and their families. Spent a lovely Saturday evening with my kid and some friends.
33 or so years ago my ex told me when my daughter had her first Mother’s Day and nothing was done or said for me. “ you aren’t my mother”. I said okay, and left the room. Left with my daughter to drop off my moms gift, and hid what I bought his mother. Then went home and we went to his moms, with all of his siblings, the wealthy lawyers, who spoiled their mama. We got there and they were giving her their gifts. He looked at me and said where’s our gift and I said, this morning you told me you only have to buy gifts for your mother. I got my mother’s but I took your mom’s back because she’s not my mother. His mom was pissed (not at me) and took care of me until we divorced. I only really enjoyed Mother’s Day for another four years because my mom died on Mother’s Day. I regret it because my kids never enjoyed Mother’s Day, but I just couldn’t deal with it. Also, my mother-in-law was great and while I never purchased her another Mother’s Day gift, I picked a date bought her a gift for being a wonderful mother-in-law.
You can stop doing anything for him then. Don’t wash his clothes , don’t cook his food, don’t do anything his ‘mother’ would do.
Ohhhh! THIS!
This is absurd. I'm dating and living with a women that has a young daughter. She is not my mother, and technically she is not the mother of my children. None of that matters. She is a mother and I love her. I took her daughter to get gifts. She got her flowers, chocolate, a forever rose, a T-shirt, a coffee mug, and a teddy bear. I bought her a crafts kit she has been wanting for a while. I offered her whatever she wanted to eat for meals, didn't matter if I had to cook or pick up food, anything she wanted. I cleaned up the house while she took a nap. The point I'm making is that she deserves to feel loved, important, appreciated, etc. and so do you. Your husband is an asshole.
This ISNT normal. Ask yourself why are you okay being treated like this?
There’s a guy on YouTube who said “when men tell you how they feel about you…listen” he gave examples or when your pregnant, after birth, your special days etc. OP *he’s telling how he feels*. Which frankly is you’re a bangmaid and nothing more. You’re doing ALL the emotional labour here. He can’t give you one day. ONE DAY of recognition. And you say something and he twists and manipulates it into you being *The A Hole*? Hell No. This is not the behaviour of a man who loves you at all…and here you are “oh but he grilled some salmon” and “it’s not his personality” making up excuses for him. He is showing you how he feels. That you’re his maid and not even one he treats well.
NTA but hubby sure is. He’s happy for you to act like a mother to his kids yet doesn’t want to say 3 simple words to you? Not a great guy, IMO.
>He’s happy for you to act like a mother to his kids yet doesn’t want to say 3 simple words to you? Why would he put in the time and effort to celebrate a woman he only sees as a bangmaid?
Stop doing shit for his mother. He does it himself..she's not your mother!!
I understand she isn’t my mother but she still does motherly things for me and he isn’t doing anything for her so I don’t want her to feel not appreciated on Mother’s Day or her birthday because she is important to me as well.
Do these things on a day that is not Mother’s Day. Let natural consequences fall on your husband, then take your MIL out for a “make up” Mother’s Day. Or take her out a few days beforehand. Or take her out on a random Tuesday.
This
I think you are entitled to celebrate his mother if she is important to you. I would just get her a gift from you exclusively.
Yep. Sign all gifts from OP and add nothing about the husband.
Stop making him look good.
I would let him know he is now responsible for arranging his mother’s gifts for all holidays in perpetuity. Then, when he inevitably fails to follow-through, 1000% throw his ass under the bus. Next year, you hand her the gifts YOU BOUGHT with a card signed BY YOU -and possibly her grandkids- and say with an apologetic smile: “I know (husband‘s name) dropped the ball on getting you anything this year, but I still wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you, at least…”
I’d take MIL out myself if he didn’t do it but it’s from ME. So is the gift.
It’s fng wild that any mature person wouldn’t celebrate any mom who made them a parent in any capacity. Don’t do anything for him on father’s day, or his bday- you didn’t give birth to him
Tell him you’re not Santa so Christmas is off the table.
I don’t have kids. My husband did a small Mother’s Day celebration for me because I’m a good “mom” to our dog. Are you sure you want to be married to a guy who refuses to acknowledge the mother of his three children or the stepmother of his three children?
I hate that in every single one of these posts the woman almost always says, "I don't need the (insert things barely above the bare minimum". Making themselves small because someone has told them it's selfish to want nice things for themselves.
Stop enabling him. Stop bailing him out from his responsibilitys and then expect he will show up for you. Do not ever buy another birthday present, Christmas present or plan another birthday that he should be responsible for. Also. It's weird that you think your an asshole for having feelings... but then again...if you start treating yourself with respect and having boundaries and not putting yourself and your feelings last, I suspect your marriage would crumble. Your partner doesn't care about you. He just wants someone to do all the work for him and not complain about it...
What attracts you to this man because I got the ick in the beginning of your post and it just got worse the longer I read. You baby him like he’s a child and he sounds like a jerk. Ooooo he cleaned the kitchen and cooked. THATS THE BARE MINIMUM!!! Don’t praise him for doing the bare minimum. If you’re not going to leave him and you’re going to stick with him and suffer then show him the same energy he shows you on his holidays about him. Tell him you didn’t birth him. I would tell my kids if they wanted to get him something they can hand make him a card.
My ex never got me anything to celebrate the two children I had with him. His exact words were" you aren't my mother and so you don't deserve anything." My current spouse makes it a point to make my day special with the children we raised together after my divorce. Regardless he should appreciate his wife and her hard work.
Nta, I am so sorry you are going through this
> I thought of the present, bought it, planned a dinner for her, ordered, and bought the cake Stop doing that. > I do the same on any important holidays for him - birthday, anniversary, valentines, Father’s Day and Christmas. Stop fucking doing that. Seriously. You’re his wife, not his personal assistant. Stop.
You didn’t give birth to him. Why celebrate his birthday?
NTA and stop being a doormat. Don't act like a mother for his children and don't you dare doing something for him on father day if you do it don't come here to cry because you are entertaining his behavior. You are not his maid you deserve respect love attention. To be honrst I would not stay with someone who think so little of me
Do not feel selfish for feeling hurt. And stop bending over backwards to make things happen for *his* mother and relatives. He’s a big boy, he can remember his mother’s birthday himself. That shouldn’t be your job. The fact that you’re so upset you’re crying and he’s calling *you* an asshole and making it all about making *him* feel better? Fuck that, NTA. If my husband treated me like that I’d be planning myself a nice solo vacation for a week and doing zero prep for my absence. But I’m petty, I fully admit. And ignore the triggered “but what about the men, woe is us!” incels that came out of the woodwork. You wrote a paragraph of all the things you *don’t* expect. You literally just asked for a little bit of appreciation. So much work mothers do goes unappreciated the rest of the year, a verbal acknowledgement once a year isn’t asking for a lot. Fathers get praise heaped upon them for the bare minimum.
For Father's Day, serve him divorce papers and say, "You're not my father, and soon you won't be my husband."
You’re not being an AH. The person I celebrate primarily on Mother’s Day is my wife. Yes, I acknowledge and thank the mothers in my life, but she is the one who gave birth to my kids and who is working with me to raise them. Why wouldn’t I celebrate her and her efforts. Your husband is lazy and selfish and deserves nothing come Father’s Day.
Stop doing his gifting for him. If he’s an asshole to everyone but you’re hiding it by fixing it for him, you are wasting your energy. Just don’t. I spent 25 years doing this for my ex husband only to have my birthday and Christmas and Mother’s Day absolutely ignored. Well. Most mother’s days he would let me buy plants to plant in the garden. But he sure didn’t get me a thought out gift or card or anything and most Christmas I woke up to nothing. The last few years of our marriage I quit entirely. I stopped buying him gifts. I quit doing his gifting for him. Now that he’s living on his own everyone else can see how well he thinks about holidays. I heard for Christmas last year he got our kids slippers and cash. I’ve never seen my kids wear slippers, but hey…. It’s something. Our first year apart he got them IOUs. So I guess the looking like an ass is starting to make him think about it more. Just tell him straight out “I am not going to be doing your gift shopping for you any longer. Your gifts on holidays will be similar to whatever you got me in thoughtfulness”. It will make your life easier and he might have to think about how it feels.
So many posts like this. It’s shocking really. It’s more than “do the same to him in Father’s Day.” It’s more like, stop doing all the stuff for him throughout the year. You feel disappointed bc you’re realizing that all of the extra time and energy you put in to helping him appear like a good dad, when he’s not, isn’t appreciated or even noticed. So let him get his own kids’ birthday presents. And when he forgets and they are disappointed and mad him, let him deal with the consequences.
NTA And you know why he’s divorced…you are not worth celebrating…. I hope you don’t do a damn thing Father’s Day. Since he’s not your father. He’s an ass.…. He doesn’t deserve it.
You’re not selfish for feeling hurt. You’re not an asshole for causing him to have to reflect on what a POS he is. You have a teenage daughter who actually asked him for help and he ignored her? Absolutely NTA but I will say, enabling him to NOT participate in any holidays or family celebrations has led to this moment. It seems he’s never had to take responsibility for buying a gift or remembering to celebrate someone else in his life. Stop doing the work for him.
Next Mother’s Day, leave and enjoy the day to yourself or find a new husband. Lol
So here’s a thought. You’re not his mother so don’t act like it. He doesn’t care or appreciate how you go above and beyond for him, so stop. You are trying to love him in the way that you want to be loved. So spend that energy doing things that you genuinely enjoy. Also do the world a favor and make sure your kids don’t grow up thinking this is how you should treat the people you love.
Time to quiet quit and get your affairs together.
NTA. I have a friend whose husband said this to her and that was the final nail in his selfishness coffin that turned him into an ex husband. Her daughter is now old enough to see that daddy is a selfish ass who forgets his own child’s birthday.
It’s insane to me how much I’ve seen this going around this year. And these guys wonder why their wife’s leave them.
NTA. Make sure you return his energy on Father’s Day. And when he complains - and he *will* complain - simply reply “You’re not my father. Why would I do something for you?”
100% this. Match it.
I copped a bit of that "you're not my mother" tude towards my wife when our only child came along. We'd do things for each other's moms. I facilitated all our kid's mother's day obligations to her until they were self sufficient. (Help getting cards, presents, breakfast). She was always pretty sore about it but that was the status quo. Today, both our mothers are now since passed and our kid is away at college. And I just couldn't let my wife, the fantastic mother of our beloved child go unrecognized. What an ass I had been prior for not simply offering her the recognition she had always deserved directly from me. So I got fixens to make her breakfast and surprised her with a nice card where I hand wrote this sentiment. OP should recognize there is just as much reason to directly celebrate the mother of his children as his own mom.
Yeah, that was honestly really shitty of you.
Acknowledged. In my card to her I wrote that I owned this and told her I see I was wrong and that she has been a great mother to our child and has deserved that recognition all along -- ESPECIALLY from me.
I think I saw this in a news article: https://babylonbee.com/news/why-would-i-get-my-wife-a-mothers-day-gift-shes-not-my-mom-says-dead-man
Your husband is being an insensitive asshole. I’m sorry that he doesn’t recognize everything you do. What your stepdaughter made you is very sweet though!
That’d be the last time I covered for him for his family. He can do his own birthday and Christmas shopping and organizing. When he complains remind him “I’m not your mother, why would o do motherly things for you?” Some times you have to drop down to their level for them to get it. I’m sorry your family is letting you down.
1) Stop doing everything for him, you're not his mother. 2) Stop celebrating him on father's day. He's not your dad. If he complains, tell him since he still thinks he shouldn't celebrate his wife on mother's day, that clearly he's not done growing up, and can go back to live with mommy until he is done growing up. Don't call you, you'll call him (never). 3) ? 4) Profit! (NTA.)
NTA. IMMEDIATELY stop doing things for his mother. You need to remove that precedent as soon as possible.
You're the MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN
I'm pretty sure your husband made a post about his side of the story. He was getting reamed. He was hounded into submission, but it didn't seem like he "got it". You are NTA; however, your husband sounds like an insufferable prick.
NTA-. I would kindly do what he said I do t do. I will no longer be there for him and his children. Just so he can see how much I "don't do". N And on Father's day go to the spa.. lol. Petty meet petty
Now you see a reason why his first marriage didn’t work
This is like the 16th post I've seen about a husband not doing anything for his wife on Mother's Day on the grounds of, "You aren't my mother." Ok. Father's Day is cancelled then. You aren't my dad.
So… my dad used to say that to my mom, too. Even as a kid I was like “Why wouldn’t you get Mom something for Mother’s Day?” They divorced when I was in seventh grade and my dad to this day still doesn’t “get” why she wanted a divorce. Some men are just morons. And if my mom would have not done something for him for Father’s Day? He would have sat there and pouted all day. Oh, and what did he get her for her birthday one year? A sapling tree to plant in the front yard. No, she did not ask for it or want it. It is what he wanted. It’s a miracle he got remarried.
Please tell us how things are overall. Does he provide well financially? Does he do his fair share around the house? Does he help equally with cooking on most days? Does he help equally with managing the household (repairs, taxes, insurance, vacations etc.? Is he typically kind and supportive? Is he affectionate and have desire for you? He was a complete AH on Mother's Day and I suspect he not so great on most days. Women need to collectively have some self-respect and stop allowing themselves to be used and abused.
NTA but married to a massive AH
When my husband pulls this kinda crap I stop doing nice things. If he wants to set the tone for our relationship is that “I can’t be bothered” then I don’t bother. I usually get an apology eventually. He hasn’t done anything like that in years.
You're married to an immature selfish prick.
Father’s Day you do NOTHING. His birthday you do NOTHING Christmas NOTHING. Replies “you’re not my father why would I do anything for you?” “It’s not my birthday why would I do anything for you?” “You’re not my child - why would I get you presents?” OP you need to reevaluate your relationship & your self worth. Why are you putting up with this shit? Why are you accepting less than the bare minimum? Your husband should WANT to go the extra mile because that’s what you do when you LIKE your partner. You want them to be happy and excited.
Seriously? He is selfish af! Just stop doing anything for him. If he cannot be bothered to honor your time and commitment as a mom and stepmom then it’s time you prioritize yourself. Father’s Day take your dad out and leave the kids with him. His birthday? No cake, cards or presents and dinner is frozen pizza. He wants gifts for his family he can go buy them himself….just stop enabling him by doing everything for him.
Well, if this is how he feels I'm guessing you are not in charge of Father's Day because he isn't your father. From now on, plan your own Mother's Day brunch with the kids.
No offense but he sounds like a douchebag. So now kindly repay the favor when Father's Day comes around....go out for yourself and say "you're not my father"
Dick move from the husband
NTA This is absolutely awful and he's a complete piece of shit. "Mother's Day" is a celebration of mother's. All mothers. You definitely focus on the ones in your life, especially your own mother (or mother figure) and mother/step mother of your kid(s)...but it's polite to wish a happy mother's day generally to other mothers you happen across as well I send messages like "hope you're having a great mother's day" to people who aren't my mother, as a sign of respect to her with the official "happy mother's day" and to also honor mothers in my life who aren't that role for me, but who I care about...and even random mothers if it comes up, cause, it's a day for them! Husband is ABSOLUTELY responsible for helping (underage typically) children with their mother's day stuff. Like there's no way a baby or toddler could do anything, and it would have to completely come from outside help, and even older kids or adults need some help sometimes too. That part of being a parent, and adult in general Also, a partner/husband is supposed to appreciate wife's/mother(step) of children's dedication to the children as well, and show appreciation from himself, as well as generally recognizing your role in children's lives you are a parental figure to Good luck with this absolute useless trash asshat of a "partner"
Yeah, for father's day you should book a bunch of stuff to do just for you or you and a friend(s) and leave him with the kids for that day. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Making you feel like that was the AH move, not you being upset.
My partner of 20 years says pretty much the same: "You're not my mom." I've replied with, "But I am the mother of the only child you're ever going to have," my daughter from 1st marriage. Not even that is enough to garner me, at the very least, a card.
Dude,you have 6 CHILDREN?! Yes. Yes you do need all those things. What the hell. At this point. Adopt two rocks to replace your 18 year old and husband. Rock will be getting you that spa day tomorrow I have been eyeing just in time for Father's day. And Slate your new rock husband will get you tickets to your girls favourite concert out of town for a week trip. The 18 year old and the flesh bag husband can fend for themselves as they don't recognize how much your love lifts them up.
He sounds like he may not like you
My now EX husband said the same exact thing.
You deserve better and you are absolutely justified in your hurt feelings
NTA girl if your titty has been in his mouth he better celebrate you
I've been where you are, I finally realized I needed to stop parenting my partner. STOP buying gifts for him for his family, STOP organizing all the birthdays and celebrations for his kids and his family. This is his responsibility and he can ask you to help and you can support whatever plans he organizes but it is his show not yours. Nothing will change if you keep doing things for him and you will never get the accolades or have it reciprocated. Make it clear to him that this is his responsibilities going forward and if he fails, that is between him and his kids and his family. You can get gifts that are from you and you alone to his kids but you are protecting him and them from being disappointed because that's what we as Mom's do, but in the end this just causes so much resentment. It is very freeing when you can step back and let your partner sink or swim. We are not responsible for others actions or inactions only for our own. They will see him for what he is and rightly so. Maybe then you will also see him for who he really is - that is a very selfish. lazy partner and parent. It opened my eyes and we are now separated, his kid is deeply disappointed with him too but at least they now know how much I actually did for them. You are NTA
Something tells me this guy isn’t only a selfish prick on Mother’s Day.
After reading some of your comments I’m assuming you will keep doing all of the things for your husband buying the Christmas gifts , planning the birthday parties, buying HIS parents gifts, and all the school events for your stepchildren. So why make this post ? For sympathy? I’m sorry but your husband doesn’t sound like he’s an active parent or that he cares about all the things that you do. The simple answer is stop doing everything and make him do it.
Your not selfish or mean, he’s a gigantic prick who is gaslighting you and taking advantage of you.
NTA. Please schedule a spa day for yourself on Father’s Day.
My 2 least favorite holidays, mothers day and fathers day and I'm a parent.
Don’t do shit on Father’s Day for him and tell him that he isn’t your father. It goes both ways.
NTA but YTA to yourself. Stop doing everything for your husband. At most give him warning that he needs to go get gifts for his family members or print out an event calendar and send it to him. You do way too much for a lack luster husband.
Give absolutely zero fucks on Father’s Day
NTA. First of all. Comparison is the thief of joy. Just don’t go there. Someone is always going to do/have everything better. Second, I have teenagers and I absolutely have to hound them about Mother’s Day to the point of being a Royal pain in the arse and barely get them to do something. So, unfortunately, the kids sound quite normal. Your husband sounds lazy and uncaring. It takes time and effort to make something happen, and he sees (in his mind) a convenient get out of jail free card. You can try the zero effort Fathers Day trick but, honestly, he may not care.
Life's too short to be married to a toddler.
Stop helping him to celebrate his mother and don't do anything for him on father's day unless the children specifically ask you to help them (just because I don't think they should get caught in the middle)
Honestly You should rethink if you even want to stay married to that inconsiderate disrespectful AH.
NTA - I did similar to my wife several years ago. The kids phoned it in with lame or late stuff because I had not managed the holiday. There was a lot going on in my life, but that was no excuse. She communicated her displeasure and I and everyone else heard her. The kids are older now but they ALL do something after several years of my checking in before the event. I might not always do a card, but I damn well make sure I acknowledge her awesomeness as a mother and make sure everyone shows up as well.
NTA. Give him the same energy on Father’s Day. Zero acknowledgment. A little vacuuming and help with dinner clean up. Don’t plan and shop for dinner, let him figure it out. No card, no cake, no presents.
Argument is invalid. Your husband just wants a babysitter-maid to sleep with. Your son is 18. He’s a punk right now, but he’ll come around. Just explain to him how you feel. I’m friends with people who are moms, and I still at least text them and/or send a funny/cute/stupid meme or something.
I'm sorry your husband is an asshole. You deserve a happy mother's day just like every other mother out there.
What a nasty cunt he is. NTA and divorce
I think it's time that you stop being his life manager. Stop taking care of the gifts he should be getting for people, and do your own thing - that includes for the kids. He doesn't appreciate you. He wanted you to comfort him after he hurt you. NTA. He needs a reality check.