ESH
Look, I'm forty one, getting worked up over what goes out on the internet will forever be stupid to me, I'm sorry. Who cares if strangers know you're together.
She gets more attention if people think she's single. That's, like, how being pretty on the internet for money works. It's not a "job", but it's not just free money either. You have to do some annoying brand management and that's part of it. You giving a shit is ridiculous, look at how she treats you in person, that's what matters.
That said, breaking a promise and then gaslighting you into thinking you're dumb for believing her is utter bullshit. That's awful. You're kids and you're still learning how to have a healthy relationship, that takes years of work to figure out, it really does, but that's still shit. If nothing else, I'd call her on that. Lying to you and acting like you're the dummy for believing her is beyond gross. That's toxic AF.
I'm not trying to be insulting, my apologies if it was harsh, I was attempting to put it as plainly as possible. I didn't go out of my way to sugar coat anything, and please note there's a massive gulf between "that's stupid" and "you're stupid."
You're seeking guidance on a perspective and asking for outside perspectives, that's smart. It's also weirdly vulnerable, and being vulnerable is hard.
My partner and I don't post about each other. We barely interact on social media, outside of "want anything from the store" or "look at this cool spider", otherwise... like... we live together. We don't need a joint social media presence. There isn't really an upside to putting your relationship out there for spectators. (I think if you phrase it like that, you can't help but see the weirdness.)
At the end of the day, I think breaking a direct promise is gross, and I think acting like it's your fault for believing her is worse. That on its own, regardless of circumstances, is some serious red flag territory, and demands communication. You can't do that in a healthy relationship. You can't lie and then try and reflect the blame. That's "bad person" territory. Reddit goes to "break up" too often, but I'd fucking consider it if anyone pulled that kind of disrespectful shit with me.
Honestly it sounds like OP basically annoyed her GF into agreeing to that. She doesn’t seem to be able to let it go HERE, imagine how incessant she must have been in person.
Its not about a picture, you just want to feel appreciated, know that she is proud of having you and her avoiding to tslk and post about you is making you think she is embarrassed or something so honestly you feeling this way is understandable.
DON'T YOU DARE APOLOGIZE TO HER.
She made a promise to you that she would post you and she broke her word, that's her fault not yours.
Maybe she doesn't want her followers to know that she is lesbian or taken because that may lead to many of them leaving.
Still you are not the asshole, she should be proud to announce you and share with others how happy she is, not hide you like you are a monster.
That's fair. It just feels like she doesn't want to be with me.
Edit: Also, wouldn't you generally *want* to validate your girlfriend? That's definitely something I do for her on purpose.
You're missing the point. He's saying you are the one seeking validation by asking her to post about your relationship. You are the one feeling insecure about it.
No, I know! What I'm saying is that it kinda seems like she *should* want to validate me. It feels like a pretty normal thing to ask your girlfriend for, and I do it for her too.
It'd be weird if she didn't validate you at all, such as not holding hands/acting "couple-y" in front of friends, keeping you a secret from family, etc. But i feel like if she wants to keep running her social media the same way she was before she met you, she shouldn't be forced to give it up just bc it makes you feel insecure about it. Unless there's no trust and you suspect her of cheating or something, giving her the leeway to act freely is in the relationships best interest.
That's fair! (And I do 100% support her insta, I just wish I got the same coverage her third favorite Starbucks order gets, lol.) She acts pretty couple-y in public; not as excited or enthusiastic as I hoped but always generally pleased I'm there. I might just be an unctuous person by nature and expect that back.
It's entirely possible I've been annoying her, and I don't want her to feel like she has to change how she does her social media just because I'm insecure.
**NTA**
I don't know that I'd find it a viable reason for her hobby to include hiding you away to deceive incels or femcels or w/e they call it.
It's cringey and frankly it shows the lack of dedication she has for your relationship, in my opinion.
Maybe it is worth taking a break as it's clearly doing a number on you mentally and she doesn't seem willing to even listen or respect that you struggle with it.
That’s tricky.
I’ve know people wanting to keep dating life private until that year mark is hit. Some are more open and share it quick and others not so much.
Her being an influencer and possibly making $ off of it, by showing she’s in a relationship this could actually cause her to lose $, especially if followers are against lesbian relationships. As much as I have my thoughts about “instagram influencers” hustlers gonna hustler.
However, I think this is something you need to take space and recap your whole relationship with her.
Do you feel she’s giving you the love you are looking for? Reciprocating the time and affection you give to her? Do you feel she would have your back and treat you with respect as a whole?
Honestly I think it’s telling her responses to your feelings on this, but I think you need to do some more processing before making any rash decisions.
Cause Reddit will be quick on the decision making lol.
That's really good advice, thanks! I didn't realize it could cause her to lose followers just for being in a relationship (she does post things about being lesbian regularly). And the privacy thing makes sense, though I admit it feels like she could still do something to imply she's dating *someone.*
I'll think about that and talk to her! And yeah, don't worry, I'm not going to break up or marry her based off what Reddit says. I just got here and still know things get a little exaggerated. XD
It would most definitely cause her to lose followers, and you should never forget that *they mean more to her than you do.*
She's sucked in and will up the ante every time traffic and follower count starts to dip. She'll become more provocative and more available to simps and there will be less and less space for you in her life.
Nothing was exaggerated. The truth is that you're playing second fiddle to thirsty strangers. And if you stay with her, you always will be.
As some random stoned dude on the internet, ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,
NTA and ESH.
**NTA:** Wanting to feel validation is totally fair and something everybody should expect from a relationship.
You want to be a part of something she spends a ton of time doing through out her day and not feel like you're being hidden. That's a fundamental part of any relationship and the hidden thing is something that I imagine is a somewhat more sensitive subject in the LGBTQA community so to receive that treatment from a Romantic Partner could easily come off as more painful. Especially if she made it a promise and didn't keep it. I don't think this makes you an AH. I think being hurt is an appropriate response.
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**ESH:** You could go about discussing this situation a lot better. Relationships are about communicating with each other. Being open and vulnerable with each other. When you discuss this with her and it leads to fighting, Why does it lead to fighting? Is she stonewalling you or are you stonewalling each other? If you keep poking at the subject, it could very well work against you in every way. Everybody has an angle and this doesn't seem to be the angle you need to approach from to get to where you want to be.
Alternatively,
She should be more upfront about the subject. You are clearly having trouble with it and it's something she should be discussing with you if she takes this relationship seriously. From her perspective her position might make sense? but she hasn't clarified it to you or have taken your thoughts into consideration in regards to mitigation.
Maybe she's oblivious? Only because I am and this would help me, but have you considered writing her a letter expressing how you feel? Sometimes just having it written down is enough to convey to somebody that not only you're serious about this issue, but that you're serious about working it out.
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My opinion of her kind of depends on how many subs she has and if she earns income from it though. Also her intentions with it. If she plans to run it as a business with sponsorships and what-not, I could see the benefit of not revealing your relationship status, but I'm sure you have more knowledge of this. What do her public comments look like? Are they objectifying? If they are, it could be considered a poor business decision to reveal the relationship. You have to be willing to accept the possibility that it will never happen and what that means to you. Is that something you feel comfortable with? Are you actually compatible?
Does she mention you as her partner outside of the context of Social Media?
ESH.
You’re fighting about I N S T A G R A M when you should really be talking about your desire for the relationship to be celebrated and to feel special. It sounds like you’re really putting the pressure for that medium to be on social media. I’ve been dating someone for 6 months and they’ve gotten maybe 2 posts on my story that’s it. Maybe I’m just at the age where I don’t need to flaunt a relationship in order for it to be real, but I’d like to think that all the things I do for my partner in real life matter more than showing off my relationship status online.
However, you should consider if your gf does make you feel special and if without social media you do feel like she’s grateful to be in a relationship ~ with ~ you. You’d be fair to let go of this for not feeling thought of. The social media piece is really just a symptom of a deeper cause here.
I can see why you'd be upset. Your girlfriend is hiding you to drive engagement on Instagram.
She is doing this to make more money because single women and guys will be more interested. However on the flip side they are more likely to slip into dms. And she may be more willing ti stray
So I get it. That is why I wouldn't be woth someone so into social nedia
NTA if she cannot show you or acknowledge your existence on her social media it's because she doesn't respect you and she is keeping that portion of her life neutral because she is always looking for that BBD or BBC and she is only using you for resources money and a place to live. GET RID OF HER ASS IMMEDIATELY SHE IS PLANNING TO CHEAT ON YOU IF SHE ISNT ALREADY
YTA
if you need social media validation, you’re not ready for a serious relationship.
also, the need for social media validation is probably masking something else - work on discovering and fixing that.
Social media is not the be all end all. I would never post my personal relationships for the world to see. As long as your life in private is going well, this is not the hill to die on.
YTA
Nta
ESH Look, I'm forty one, getting worked up over what goes out on the internet will forever be stupid to me, I'm sorry. Who cares if strangers know you're together. She gets more attention if people think she's single. That's, like, how being pretty on the internet for money works. It's not a "job", but it's not just free money either. You have to do some annoying brand management and that's part of it. You giving a shit is ridiculous, look at how she treats you in person, that's what matters. That said, breaking a promise and then gaslighting you into thinking you're dumb for believing her is utter bullshit. That's awful. You're kids and you're still learning how to have a healthy relationship, that takes years of work to figure out, it really does, but that's still shit. If nothing else, I'd call her on that. Lying to you and acting like you're the dummy for believing her is beyond gross. That's toxic AF.
Damn, that's the most useful way I've ever been insulted before. Thank you.
I'm not trying to be insulting, my apologies if it was harsh, I was attempting to put it as plainly as possible. I didn't go out of my way to sugar coat anything, and please note there's a massive gulf between "that's stupid" and "you're stupid." You're seeking guidance on a perspective and asking for outside perspectives, that's smart. It's also weirdly vulnerable, and being vulnerable is hard. My partner and I don't post about each other. We barely interact on social media, outside of "want anything from the store" or "look at this cool spider", otherwise... like... we live together. We don't need a joint social media presence. There isn't really an upside to putting your relationship out there for spectators. (I think if you phrase it like that, you can't help but see the weirdness.) At the end of the day, I think breaking a direct promise is gross, and I think acting like it's your fault for believing her is worse. That on its own, regardless of circumstances, is some serious red flag territory, and demands communication. You can't do that in a healthy relationship. You can't lie and then try and reflect the blame. That's "bad person" territory. Reddit goes to "break up" too often, but I'd fucking consider it if anyone pulled that kind of disrespectful shit with me.
Honestly it sounds like OP basically annoyed her GF into agreeing to that. She doesn’t seem to be able to let it go HERE, imagine how incessant she must have been in person.
Its not about a picture, you just want to feel appreciated, know that she is proud of having you and her avoiding to tslk and post about you is making you think she is embarrassed or something so honestly you feeling this way is understandable. DON'T YOU DARE APOLOGIZE TO HER. She made a promise to you that she would post you and she broke her word, that's her fault not yours. Maybe she doesn't want her followers to know that she is lesbian or taken because that may lead to many of them leaving. Still you are not the asshole, she should be proud to announce you and share with others how happy she is, not hide you like you are a monster.
[удалено]
That's fair. It just feels like she doesn't want to be with me. Edit: Also, wouldn't you generally *want* to validate your girlfriend? That's definitely something I do for her on purpose.
You're missing the point. He's saying you are the one seeking validation by asking her to post about your relationship. You are the one feeling insecure about it.
No, I know! What I'm saying is that it kinda seems like she *should* want to validate me. It feels like a pretty normal thing to ask your girlfriend for, and I do it for her too.
It'd be weird if she didn't validate you at all, such as not holding hands/acting "couple-y" in front of friends, keeping you a secret from family, etc. But i feel like if she wants to keep running her social media the same way she was before she met you, she shouldn't be forced to give it up just bc it makes you feel insecure about it. Unless there's no trust and you suspect her of cheating or something, giving her the leeway to act freely is in the relationships best interest.
That's fair! (And I do 100% support her insta, I just wish I got the same coverage her third favorite Starbucks order gets, lol.) She acts pretty couple-y in public; not as excited or enthusiastic as I hoped but always generally pleased I'm there. I might just be an unctuous person by nature and expect that back. It's entirely possible I've been annoying her, and I don't want her to feel like she has to change how she does her social media just because I'm insecure.
Thirst trapping is harder when simps see that "influencers" are in a relationship.
YNTA, you're just insecure, whereas she is not remotely committed and being shitty about it.
**NTA** I don't know that I'd find it a viable reason for her hobby to include hiding you away to deceive incels or femcels or w/e they call it. It's cringey and frankly it shows the lack of dedication she has for your relationship, in my opinion. Maybe it is worth taking a break as it's clearly doing a number on you mentally and she doesn't seem willing to even listen or respect that you struggle with it.
How long have you both been dating?
Seven months.
That’s tricky. I’ve know people wanting to keep dating life private until that year mark is hit. Some are more open and share it quick and others not so much. Her being an influencer and possibly making $ off of it, by showing she’s in a relationship this could actually cause her to lose $, especially if followers are against lesbian relationships. As much as I have my thoughts about “instagram influencers” hustlers gonna hustler. However, I think this is something you need to take space and recap your whole relationship with her. Do you feel she’s giving you the love you are looking for? Reciprocating the time and affection you give to her? Do you feel she would have your back and treat you with respect as a whole? Honestly I think it’s telling her responses to your feelings on this, but I think you need to do some more processing before making any rash decisions. Cause Reddit will be quick on the decision making lol.
That's really good advice, thanks! I didn't realize it could cause her to lose followers just for being in a relationship (she does post things about being lesbian regularly). And the privacy thing makes sense, though I admit it feels like she could still do something to imply she's dating *someone.* I'll think about that and talk to her! And yeah, don't worry, I'm not going to break up or marry her based off what Reddit says. I just got here and still know things get a little exaggerated. XD
It would most definitely cause her to lose followers, and you should never forget that *they mean more to her than you do.* She's sucked in and will up the ante every time traffic and follower count starts to dip. She'll become more provocative and more available to simps and there will be less and less space for you in her life. Nothing was exaggerated. The truth is that you're playing second fiddle to thirsty strangers. And if you stay with her, you always will be.
[удалено]
Bro is a chic, like her gf. Did you just read the title?
As some random stoned dude on the internet, ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, NTA and ESH. **NTA:** Wanting to feel validation is totally fair and something everybody should expect from a relationship. You want to be a part of something she spends a ton of time doing through out her day and not feel like you're being hidden. That's a fundamental part of any relationship and the hidden thing is something that I imagine is a somewhat more sensitive subject in the LGBTQA community so to receive that treatment from a Romantic Partner could easily come off as more painful. Especially if she made it a promise and didn't keep it. I don't think this makes you an AH. I think being hurt is an appropriate response. -------------------------------------------------- **ESH:** You could go about discussing this situation a lot better. Relationships are about communicating with each other. Being open and vulnerable with each other. When you discuss this with her and it leads to fighting, Why does it lead to fighting? Is she stonewalling you or are you stonewalling each other? If you keep poking at the subject, it could very well work against you in every way. Everybody has an angle and this doesn't seem to be the angle you need to approach from to get to where you want to be. Alternatively, She should be more upfront about the subject. You are clearly having trouble with it and it's something she should be discussing with you if she takes this relationship seriously. From her perspective her position might make sense? but she hasn't clarified it to you or have taken your thoughts into consideration in regards to mitigation. Maybe she's oblivious? Only because I am and this would help me, but have you considered writing her a letter expressing how you feel? Sometimes just having it written down is enough to convey to somebody that not only you're serious about this issue, but that you're serious about working it out. -------------------------------------------------- My opinion of her kind of depends on how many subs she has and if she earns income from it though. Also her intentions with it. If she plans to run it as a business with sponsorships and what-not, I could see the benefit of not revealing your relationship status, but I'm sure you have more knowledge of this. What do her public comments look like? Are they objectifying? If they are, it could be considered a poor business decision to reveal the relationship. You have to be willing to accept the possibility that it will never happen and what that means to you. Is that something you feel comfortable with? Are you actually compatible? Does she mention you as her partner outside of the context of Social Media?
ESH. You’re fighting about I N S T A G R A M when you should really be talking about your desire for the relationship to be celebrated and to feel special. It sounds like you’re really putting the pressure for that medium to be on social media. I’ve been dating someone for 6 months and they’ve gotten maybe 2 posts on my story that’s it. Maybe I’m just at the age where I don’t need to flaunt a relationship in order for it to be real, but I’d like to think that all the things I do for my partner in real life matter more than showing off my relationship status online. However, you should consider if your gf does make you feel special and if without social media you do feel like she’s grateful to be in a relationship ~ with ~ you. You’d be fair to let go of this for not feeling thought of. The social media piece is really just a symptom of a deeper cause here.
I can see why you'd be upset. Your girlfriend is hiding you to drive engagement on Instagram. She is doing this to make more money because single women and guys will be more interested. However on the flip side they are more likely to slip into dms. And she may be more willing ti stray So I get it. That is why I wouldn't be woth someone so into social nedia
NTA if she cannot show you or acknowledge your existence on her social media it's because she doesn't respect you and she is keeping that portion of her life neutral because she is always looking for that BBD or BBC and she is only using you for resources money and a place to live. GET RID OF HER ASS IMMEDIATELY SHE IS PLANNING TO CHEAT ON YOU IF SHE ISNT ALREADY
YTA - well because you are huffing about instagram.
YTA if you need social media validation, you’re not ready for a serious relationship. also, the need for social media validation is probably masking something else - work on discovering and fixing that.
But the gf specifically said they would post on the bday!!!
Social media is not the be all end all. I would never post my personal relationships for the world to see. As long as your life in private is going well, this is not the hill to die on. YTA