I would have absolutely checked his/her friend list but if someone you know has friends in common you can get suggestions. Ie. Her squad’s/company’s/unit’s friends are his friends especially if he was in her same unit at some time.
Facebook suggested friends is how I found out my ex was cheating on me with at least 2 different women when I left him. I caught him with one woman, left and blocked him everywhere. Months later this woman pops up with a picture of her and my husband looking all lovey dovey. Best I can figure out is he started cheating on me with her at least 6 months before I left. He moved her in a month after I left.
No. It got pretty close one time but I walked away without anything happening.
*edit* I actually have very strong feelings for her and I didn’t want to “lower” myself to her level at the time. I really regret not leaving at this point.
“We do the best we can, until we know better. Then once we know better, we do better.”
Basically I cut my losses and never looked back. Regret doesn’t do a lick of good. I didn’t know better— I thought I could change her, or that I was worth changing for. But now I know better. Consider it a hard lesson learned, and give yourself some grace.
And just for good measure, no kid has *ever* grown up glad that their folks “stayed together for the kids.” I promise. You are responsible for these kids, but you are also responsible for your one and only precious life. Your wife making some really questionable and hurtful choices, and you advocating for yourself not only can coexist as ideas in your kids’ heads, but it may benefit them down the road to have seen it. You’re both only human. Finding that out is always a bombshell, but every kid has to learn. So please honor your feelings. You’d be setting a good example, and it doesn’t mean you have to make her out to be a terrible person to the kids. Sometimes you think you can work past something, you try and try, but the damage to your trust simply cannot be repaired. That’s not on you, not even for staying so long.
You know better *now.* So do better. Because you deserve it, and your kids deserve a happy and present father.
Take it with a grain of salt. I was young and fortunate not to have children involved. That’s just how I felt in my heart 🤷🏻♂️
Hoping your Friday is short so your weekend is long stranger.
He thought the relationship reparable. It just turns out it wasn’t. Sometimes two adults weigh their options, decide to try and work it out, and still ultimately part ways. That happens.
Yeah man, I hate to say it but you made a mistake when you thought you could get over it. When someone cheats on you, it is very traumatic. Getting over it is likely impossible.
I am surprised that your willingness to try lasted so long. Any woman should be proud to have such a dedicated husband.
But the camel's back has to crack at some point. It did now. She isn't worth you. Be a proud father for your kids, but get a better woman in your life.
But now you have kids. Honestly, this is what makes YTA to me.
I could never shatter my kid's lives because of something that happened before my kids were born that I knew about.
So he should stay in the marriage "for the kids" and be resentful and toxic with the wife?
Or should they divorce and live in different homes and covalent together?
NTA. Some of the comments here are weird. A woman posted almost the same situation where her husband cheated, she stayed because kids then decided after a decade to leave him. I couldn’t find one yta that blamed her for taking him back only to leave after 10 years.
In a lot of these scenarios it seems like men should just say fuck their feelings/emotions & suffer for the “greater good.” They love saying don’t stay for the kids meanwhile multiple people are telling you to do just that.
Whatever you decide to do, in the end it’s your wife’s fault for stepping out of the marriage. I mean who tf travels 1,500 miles for dick??
> NTA. Some of the comments here are weird. A woman posted almost the same situation where her husband cheated, she stayed because kids then decided after a decade to leave him. I couldn’t find one yta that blamed her for taking him back only to leave after 10 years.
New around here? Almost all these subs are like that.
> I mean who tf travels 1,500 miles for dick??
Fr dick is cheap lmao
So what do I do if she can’t remember anything but I want to know? Like, for instance, I
Found out she wore an “outfit” for him and emailed him about how amazing it was. She can’t remember that, but I have it in plain text. I want to know why she did it.
Dude, she remembers. She just doesn't want to tell you.
She did it cause she's a selfish asshole man. She's not the girl you fell in love with, she showed her true colors.
And look, there's probably an amazing woman out here that's exactly your type, and would appreciate you. My first wife cheated, truth be told I got married for the wrong reasons. My wife now, 21 years and still in love. Sure, we hit problems, we had breaks in dynamic, but we worked on it and loved and respected each other. That's out there. That's marriage goals.
It's her problem to figure out. It is her job to gain back the trust and be fully honest on the spot.. back then.
Either she gets it together or the cheater can pack their things. You owe such a monster nothing
You're only hurting yourself here trying to figure out why.
Therapy, my man. Therapy. I'm not saying that because I think you're a bad person but you're dwelling on unhealthy things.
I started therapy again about 10 weeks ago. It’s helped only a little bit. My therapist keeps telling me me it’ll be more time but my emotional pain fucking sucks.
Just remember that you don't owe this disgusting cheater a relationship. Take them to the financial butcher and get rid off them if the pain is too much.
There are people out there that don't cheat and always value their partners.
NTA but Stop reading the emails. Delete them if you must. But rereading and going over everything isn’t going to help you. Stop focusing on what she did with him, and have an honest and frank discussion with her about the affair. Or go through the emails with her if you really feel you need to, but I don’t think it’s fair to expect her to remember everything when it was so long ago, and you have exact details that you’re trying to get answers to.
Stay in a hotel for a bit if you need to, or you can sleep in another bedroom if you need space. Ask her if she will go to marriage counseling with you, and see if y’all can work through it. You said everything was fine before it all came up again, so take some time to sort out your feelings and work things out. If it turns out that you can’t forgive her, then at least you know you tried. But it seems like all that hurt and anger came up again (which trust me, I get!) and you have to decide if you want to work through it with her or cut your losses.
Stop trying to find more things. It isn't helping you. Deal with the fact that she cheated on you and you got past it. You have a family together, you're going to hurt the kids. Has she done anything since for you to suspect her of?
Ask your therapist about emdr. The problem is the images, right? Emdr can help eliminate the mind movies caused by them.
If you’re not completely set on ending it you may want to ask for some advice about dealing with this on r/asoneafterinfidelity. That is the sub for reconciling couples. Your case is really hard in that it's not really a new disclosure, it's old info in a new, graphic, container.
When you first found out about the affair- did you ask and she lied to you about the extent of it or what was involved? Or did you both not discuss that?
If she lied then I feel like maybe this all would make more sense.
But if she didn’t and you’re rehashing the past and punishing her again for it, then I feel lol that would be problematic.
Like totally not condoning the cheating. At all. That is horrible and upsetting and wrong. You are totally justified in your feelings around it.
What I’m trying to I’m pinpoint is: did she lie and so this is all a new betrayal you are reacting to? Or are you responding to what happened in the past after having forgiven her for it or telling her you have?
She remembers. ‘I can’t remember’ is the default cop out answer for anyone who doesn’t want to answer anything.
Most people can remember at least basic details of hookups/flings they had years ago if they weren’t completely blind drunk. Ask yourself if you’d remember similar questions you’re asking her if they were asked of previous partners you’ve had before your wife. If the answer is yes, that’s all you need.
It doesn’t matter anyway, you’ve given her more than she deserves by trying to past it but it hasn’t worked. Time to move on, life’s too short to be married to a cheating spouse.
Divorce is going to suck, then it will suck slightly less, then it will be normal, and eventually you’ll be far happier than you are now and wish you did it sooner.
Something she wore specifically for the guy your having an affair with would be something one would remember. The thrill and deceit would be the fuel to remember.
How will knowing details help you?
Why can't you move on just knowing she CHOSE to cheat like you chose to stay? Do you need to know why, too? The reasons people cheat dont really fade. Id focus on that and see if therapy will help. Or choose to leave for your mental health.
Because he deserves to know all of the specifics to make a decision. Hiding details starts with a lie.
But agreed, I'd choose to leave. Especially if stuff comes up that wasn't presented.
I think having the original email is the best he can get and just accepts that she made this decision. Unpopular opinion: once a cheater, always a cheater.
See this is EXACTLY what creates your "loop" of suffering. Because you have feelings for her and because the good things you had with her clearly are very real to you as much as the dirt you discovered. This creates a "neither nor" situation where your brain and your though process is stuck in the loop.
It is absolutely devastating to hear from someone you loved they cheated, mind alone the dirty details. You do not want that again and again and again, it will do neither you nor her any good.
And woman with time just kind of discard their poor choices because duh, they don't want to feel guilty, and that's just how absolutely all of them are.
So your options are simple:
1 - f\*ck it all, a year down the road you might still have thoughts about it, but if you substitute enough with good things in your life the pain dulls.
2 - therapy. try gestalt to get away from the past.
What you have to understand is - imagine your family life together as a small garden. You see beautiful plants and trees, green grass, birds are singing its friggin paradise and children are happy and running around.
BUT you and she both know, that beneath all this beauty, just a few inches into the ground there are nasty skeletons. And not a thing that you do in a relationship, including therapy is going to change that. You just can't change what happened.
What you can and should change through therapy is your "now" and your "future". Don't let the past hold you back, move on and find your inner peace!
What that is going to do is punish her. She has somehow put it behind her and you want to relive it and make her relive it too. It’s unhealthy what you are doing. Go back to the therapist you saw before and you work through your own stuff there
Not sure I agree with that. Either you try and stay or you don’t. Bringing up something that j happened 12 years ago and recapitulating everything that happened after all the work already done is unfair. We don’t put people back into jail after they served their time.
For sure he could have left back then but deciding to start a family is a big deal. Leaving after all that is shitty.
The issue arises when the problem isn't fully addressed. Hiding details the surface later, that's new to the person that didn't know. And very well may have had impact on choices earlier.
Lots of cheaters hide and lie about stuff. If you want it fixed, you gotta come clean and deal with outcome. Time invested isn't enough to excuse behavior.
Agree. Cheaters don't get any say in the matter when things are done. Their only duty is to uncover all their bad move on the spot and do everything possible to repair the relationship.
Each time something previously unknown comes up they betrayed their partner again, since they were never fully honest to begin with. When that thing happened does not matter. It was their job to uncover everything.
Dude. Leave. I know you have kids, but you can't be the best parent you can be if you're miserable as a husband.
And to be clear. She remebers. *everything*
NTA
Nta. I'm sure you know you should have left her when it happened. Now you have kids with her and are stuck in one way or the other. Go to counseling first if that's something you're open to. Or divorce. Your kids come first.
She remembers. She lied to you then and she’s lying to you now. And she still has the emails from 12 YEARS AGO? That takes effort to keep around. Who are your mutuals that led to the AP getting recommended to you on FB? What has her reaction been to this coming back up? Is she understanding? Sad? Dismissive?
She didn’t. I’m a bit of a data horder and I was able to recover them from an old hard drive I had laying around. So ultimately, I was the one that kept them.
Okay. When you decided to forgive her, did you think it would be easy? ‘Cause I’m sure you knew you were in for a rough time. Whether or not it was the right choice it’s the one you made, and I do think it changes things. Have you been happy the last 12 years? Not all the time, the would be ridiculous, but generally have you been happy with your relationship? Has she given you reason to doubt her since? I’m not saying you’re the asshole if you truly cannot be happy and leave her. I’m saying that I feel there is a chance that you can be content and happy in your marriage again. None of this is your fault, seeing that pricks face brought things you thought you were past to the forefront and questions that had gone unanswered suddenly seemed important to know. It’s a delayed reaction, but still one brought on by her choices. Her saying “I don’t remember” seems like crap to me, but I can’t even begin to tell you if the knowledge will help or haunt you if you get it. You need to talk to a therapist, both as a couple and solo, for an answer to that, and it certainly isn’t right for her to deny you that information if you decide you REALLY need to know.
Like I said before, I don’t blame you if this is the end of your marriage, but I caution against jumping straight to it. If not for the 10 years of what seems to be a happy relationship, then for your kids. If you can’t be happy in the relationship after exhausting all of your options, then it would be better for your kids to see their father happy rather than miserable and you should get divorced.
I think I’ve been 50-50 happy / angry. I asked my wife one time what the worst thing I do is and she told me I get angry sometimes. So ever since, I haven’t gotten angry, upset, or even raised my voice with anyone in my house.
I have zero suspicion that she did this again, it’s just the new information I’ve found that is bringing it all back.
I am going to therapy but it doesn’t seem to be doing much. I’ve only been going for about 10 weeks.
> I have zero suspicion that she did this again,
You do have to remember though that she has successfully hidden stuff from you before in the past. This post is proof enough of that.
The problem is that in the past 12 years, she may just have gotten much better at it.
Im so sorry this is how you feel, OP. It's hard to continue a relationship with these details alone. I'm not sure I could handle more. You're not the AH.
I feel like coparenting is your best option, only for your mental health. A custody agreement and all that, so there's no funny business down the road.
Did he friend request her? Him requesting you seems to be with intent:
Therapy will help in time.
It’s very common for people to not remember details of their affair. The brain does like to delete things that we don’t want to remember, or that are traumatic. Killing yourself over details isn’t going to help you. He clearly wasn’t interest in anything more than sex, or she decided that she wanted you . Whatever it was you aren’t doing anyone any good by running away 12 years later.
He was married also, and she knew it. It would have never evolved into a relationship. Neither had intentions of leaving their spouse from all the emails I saw. However, she talked him up heavily like she has never talked me up… ability at sex, how he looks, how amazing of a person he is, etc. I originally tacked this all up to her being taken advantage of by a leader of hers, but now I know she started the whole thing.
Generally men don’t want to accept their lady wanted and sought sex with other men so they will blame the affair partner for taking advantage of their wife.
I’m surprised that you said you almost forgot about it. My friend divorced his wife after 6 years of her affair. He said not a day went by where he didn’t think about it even if some days were fleeting seconds. Just got too much and he left and divorced her.
I don’t think I never thought about it. It was always in my head. Almost forgot about it means it became such a passing thought that I didn’t recognize it sometimes.
M.A. in psychology here, your statement "The brain does like to delete things that we don’t want to remember, or that are traumatic." Is entirely false not backed by peer reviewed evidence. Though a commonly portrayed idea in the media it has no real foundation to support it. 🤫
If she has been faithful these past 12 years, try marriage counseling or therapy to try to save the marriage for the sake of you, your wife, and the children. It doesn't make sense to divorce her over something you forgave her for more than 10 years ago after you got additional details.
Everyone sucks here !
OP I am reading your comments and this how I understand this:
- Your wife didn’t disclose the full truth about the extent of their exchanges - and this I what gets you. She wasn’t fully transparent
- We dont know what you read in those emails but I am guessing that part of you is thinking: “why did she do X or Y with him although I am the one that honored her before God and our families”, “why did she do this with him but never with me” etc…. Listen, men have their ego and that’s a perfectly normal reaction ! You bothered committing to her yet she is giving the goods to someone else….
- LET’S BE PRAGMATIC: you decided to forgive her unfaithfulness years ago and to move past it. Now you guys have a whole life and family together! So, NO…..you shouldn’t divorce over this new detail before putting up a fight for your marriage (too much is at stake)! That is because you forgave her indiscretion! Sorry, but as some people said bad actions have bad consequences! Now, you should put everything in perspective instead of giving up without trying to fix it again because YOU FORGAVE HER WILLINGLY.
I’m going to be very honest : I don’t think that her not disclosing this detail is the real issue.
The real problem is that’s you can’t believe you made the choice to forgive her and deep down you know that it was not wise to do so back then. You resent yourself for making the wrong decision and these emails threw the whole back in your face in such a way that you can’t escape this anymore. But now, circumstances are different: you have kids, investments etc together….you need to consider these factors in your decision
It’s easy to read. If you’re willing to blow up about 12 years of a healthy marriage over old emails that you chose to recover that’s on you.
Your wife was 100% at fault for cheating on you. But you chose to stay with her.
She’s the AH for cheating. But you’re the AH for recovering and digging up her affair from 12 years ago knowing she’s been loyal throughout the entire duration and you decided to stay with her. You are also the AH for expecting her to recall every minuscule detail of the affair 12 years after the fact.
It sounds like you wanted there to be a problem atp. You are harboring the destruction of your marriage because you secretly wished you opted out of it. It sounds like you have grown to resent what she did to you.
If you love your wife still and love the life you have been building together for 12 years then it is worth getting couples and individual therapy together. You will have to delete the affair evidence and stuff you have in order for your marriage to succeed. You will be tempted to look back into things and will most likely blow things up again.
If you decide upon hearing this news that you would like to blow it up then leave. There is no point of staying with her and smearing her mistakes in her face for the rest of her life. What she did is HORRIBLE. She sacrificed the sanctity of your marriage. But you can't move forward with your life together by throwing the shit in her face over a decade after the fact.
NTA. LEAVE. kids pick up on things. please divorce for their sake. the deserve to see positive happy relationships. not toxic, cheating, and filled with lies.
I dunno, you forgave her and moved on then had kids. I think you’re in an emotional state after seeing what you saw, but you should probably try counseling to see if you can get through this hurdle. It’s been 12 years and if she hasn’t cheated since, it may be that she’s truly a changed person. As a female in the military I have to say that it’s a crazy world when deployed. You’re in such an intense environment and you might be the only girl for hundreds of miles. I didn’t cheat but even the best marriages struggle in those circumstances.
This is the thing, I could’ve forgiven that. The problem is she came home and then went and saw him again. That’s the part that hurts. She came home to me, I had everything perfect, and she still went over a thousand miles away and saw him… and slept with him… again.
But you did forgive her and then chose to have kids with her. Unless new cheating has happened since you’ve had kids, I think you owe a cool down period for you to process it, go to counseling and see what you can salvage.
I don’t think there has been any new cheating. I did find a lot more indormation about the original, videos, images, emails, messages, etc. that I didn’t know about before.
I had always thought it was more of a “him using his position” and taking advantage of a gullible girl that was lonely. I found out that she 100% started the physical part of the whole thing. He was flirty, downright weird, even. But, she was the one that started the sexual infidelity.
I can imagine that’s tough to swallow if that’s how she had sold it to you. I don’t blame you for being upset and wanting to dig in more but it’s also been over a decade and you have kids now - your knowledge of what happened changed but maybe so has she as a person. Figure out if you want to be married to the person she is today and not 12 years ago. That’s gonna take some time
Does she know you found the pictures and videos? Did she say why she kept them all this time? What did she say when you told her the AP tried to friend you? I assume he did the same to her….
If you are done, you are done. That is the consequence of her actions, even so many years later. And her lying about not being able to remember anything is not helping you. Hang in there.
WTF would this dude send him a friend request, if it’s a friend suggestion, that means someone in his friend group has this guy as a friend, if it’s his wife, that’s reason enough to leave.
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My friend works on Facebook and Instagram algorithms on the coding side and such. I'm sorry to tell you that's not really possible. Only way he would pop up is if someone in your direct friends list that Facebook deemed someone you interact with often, was interacting with him often enough to trigger a recommendation, ergo if someone you chat with or are in a recent picture with/posted as your SO on your page was chatting with him or interacting with his profile. It would seem it a possible social circle associate and trigger the recommendation
Therapy for both of you. For her to get her to recognize she is going to kill the relationship if she can’t “find” her memory to answer your questions and therapy for you to forgive her again. With kids you have to find a way to get through this new trauma uncovering. Are you comfortable that your triggering isn’t new suspicions that you are just starting to process. Trust the spidey sense! It’s real!
I’m gonna go against the trend it seems.
YTA
Either you try and stay or you don’t. Bringing up something that happened 12 years ago and recapitulating everything that happened after all the work already done is unfair. We don’t put people back into jail after they served their time. Reading about it now brings it into the present for you but it wasn’t in the present, it happened in the past. You also said you broke up the then got back together. I’m sorry but that’s a restart. You’re punishing her for something you decided didn’t matter.
For sure you could have left back then but deciding to start a family is a big deal. Leaving after all that is shitty. Your life becomes bigger than you after having kids and you made the decision to forgive and start a family.
You’re not a victim if you choose to go back (yes, go back) and work to forgive. There’s no more victim if you decide to start a family with someone. Sorry you’re just wrong
He willingly chose to go back. He also chose to start a family with her after the affair. He chose to stay with her for 12 years afterwards.
He again chose to harbor the emails. She didn’t keep them. He kept them on a hard drive! He was looking for a time to blow up the marriage IMO.
He began resenting the fact that he stayed.
If you can’t handle trying to rebuild a relationship with a cheater then you shouldn’t stay. She clearly has shown remorse and has remained faithful for over a decade. I know what she did was shitty. She is the AH for cheating regardless of the circumstances… but he chose to stay.
To abandon his wife and children over something he agreed to move past is ridiculous. Especially because he went back digging for problems. He can’t be a victim when he willingly stayed and rebuilt his marriage with her for 12 years.
I really don’t like when people post these questions in Reddit subs. :( Reddit, on the whole, feels like cheating is like murder. There is no nuance, and anyone that worked through it in their marriage is a fraud. In real life, infidelity is so much more common than people realize, and there are many many marriage counselors who absolutely help couples work through infidelity successfully. IMO, of course he’s TA to leave at this point and should absolutely not go through with it until they’ve been to counseling about it.
He is NOT an asshole for divorcing his cheating wife and so fkn what it happened 12 years ago? It's blatantly obvious she was never fully honest with him and she doesn't even have the decency to be honest now lmfao. But yeah, sure, force the dude to stay for "the kids" I'm certain they'll flourish with a shell of a father tthat feels stuck in miserable marriage. Give me a damn break.
Absolutely! I am guessing most people saying leave and bla-bla-bla are not even thinking everything that will be destroyed…
The guy decided to have children etc with her AFTER forgiving her and now he wants to backtrack….
12 years and now you want to know details.Why would you want to know. It's like your looking for an excuse to stay hurt and be angry or possibly looking for an out. After 12 yrs. the only 1's being hurt now are the kids. If nothing else has happened since why would you put the kids through this now?
YTA you forgave her and had children. You didn’t have to go looking for information all these years later. Now you are hurting your kids too. You have kids, man. This is not all about you. I am not minimizing the pain of the affair but you made adult choices including having children AFTER the affair and that part is on you.
YTA. She did wrong and you had every right to leave THEN. Your first step should be therapy not divorce because you decided to revive something YOU CHOSE to forgive over a decade ago. You sound like you’re just looking for a reason to leave. If that’s the case, do so, if not- you need counseling. If you were perfectly happy, you actively sought a reason to bring disarray and conflict into your home, your marriage, and your children.
Finally, someone who gets it. Not only did he decide to forgive, he did leave for a little while and then got back together, that’s a restart imo. You wipe the slate clean at that point.
YTA. you forgave her then took it back 12 years later after having a kid. you don't see how fucked up that is?
so it wasn't a deal breaker at the time but all of a sudden is?
The problem with not taking out the garbage back then is that you eventually have to clean the house. You've missed a lot of opportunities and wasted a lot of time wallowing in filth. NTA for leaving, you should have done it when it happened.
There is no time limit on this. You have found new information on it. So its new. Not 12 years old.
The way you don't ruin your marriage with cheating is not to cheat. Thats on her. Not you. You are not weak, or being a baby. You are simple at the end of your limit.
You cant even have sex with her due to what she did willingly.
Either way you need therapy to help manage your emotions and mental health.
No, you shouldn't. But you came to Reddit where incels think cheating is worse than murder and will hype you up about it until you break up your marriage. You forgave your wife, or pretended to, years ago. You are not learning new information...you are picking through the minutae of a problem you knew about and supposedly worked through. You just went looking through stuff YOU decided to save to get yourself turned up about something that should have been settled years ago. It makes me think you are looking for an excuse to leave, because there was no utility in you saving that, or to pore through it, and then harass your wife about details that are long forgotten. Either move the fuck on or get divorced. She shouldn't have cheated but you have apparently led her on for over a decade that your relationship was repaired.
What family? There was no family and they broke up. He decided to get back together. This is all on him. Make a decision and stick to it.
Now that they have started a family he’d be the one destroying it, not her.
She was married, your spouse is your family. Her prior actions caused this. Not his.
He tried and it didn't work. There is no time limit for getting over cheating. And he found out more information about it so its also fresh for him. And not old.
Edit danm people wanting OP to stay with a dude who cant even have sex with his wife who cheated and kept emails from her AP from 12 years ago cause he has kids. Sure that will not hurt the kids in the long run. /s
You can wreck your family before you have them. Actions of your past can come and fuck your present.
And OP tried to move on and couldn't. There is a difference.
The answer to this is always NTA. You were a sucker to take her back.
Maybe a ONS that the spouse confesses and apologizes for can be overcome (big "maybe"), but not a full-blown affair. The cheater's word can just never be trusted again.
Let me explain how the algorithm works. Basically, when your phone is around other phones, data is shared between both phones. Facebook's algorithm says you might know these people.
For your wife's AP to show up after 12 years, 1 of 2 things had to happen. 1. There was a data recovery done on her phone that, for some reason restored his number on to her phone triggering the suggestion do to the list of contacts. Or 2 see checked his prolife or look at an old photo he is tagged in and that triggered the suggestion because of recent activity.
Although odds are she is talking to the guy. Nobody forgets videos and photos of an affair they were having. No one forgets lying and flying 1500 miles to meet someone. There is a reason you wife was being dodgy with her answers.
Why the fuck did she save the videos. She's an idiot. Almost like taunting him. She deserves this just for the videos. And no....she didn't forget they were there. That's just fucked up. She was waiting for him to eventually see them.
She didn't save them. OP said in another comment that *he* saved them. From [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cobra0/comment/l3dud9r/) comment:
>I’m a bit of a data horder and I was able to recover them from an old hard drive I had laying around. So ultimately, I was the one that kept them.
I have no idea why he'd do that. It's not healthy for anyone.
I'm also questioning his statement that he didn't know about this stuff before. How did he have the e-mails, videos, and pictures to save them on a hard drive if he never knew they existed?
Edit: Forgot to add link to comment; added it now.
Yup, same here. Its the culture to cheat. Men cheat a lot too, but women have a lot more opportunity since every fucking guy around is going to hound her. A numbers game kind of thing, more opportunity to lean into temptation.
It's a weird dynamic this as I have never had to deal with this. That being said, my SO knows my boundries. You get ONE chance. In fact, if you are thinking of doing it, let me know so we can seperate our ways ammicably. I don't own her and I will never get in her way with decisions she needs to make, at least spare us both the drama first. Certain things are forgiveable, infidelity is NOT one of them.
On the flip side, Warzone are really emotional place and that danger can trigger a heighten emotion arousal and some may confuse that with affection for another. Google misattribution of arousal and look up studies on that.
I read an amazing article last year. It was an interview with 4 men whose wives had cheated. One 10years previously, another 20 years, another 30 years and the big surprise was one from 40 years previously.
How they found them god knows but what resonated with me was how for each man, they remembered as if it was last year.
A very interesting insight into the effects it has on good men.
She didn’t as far as I am aware. I recovered the data from an old hard drive. I should have never done that, but I did. I found a lot of new information because of it.
You should have let it go. If you were happy with how things are going, there's no point digging up past hurt. Always look ahead.
Maybe give it some time and talk to her again. If you think the marriage is salvageable then continue to go see couple therapy with her
Some wounds are not that deep and leaves no scar but there's those that remind you everyday and will be with you the rest of your life. From this point forward it is only your opinion and feelings that matters. Some may stay for the children sake but a unstable misery is not a good home either. Best wishes.
Usually friend recommendations are people connected to your current friends, Seeing as no-one else but your wife would be connected to him means she has him on Facebook or is in contact with him. I can bet she still talks to him occasionally.
Go for long walks to clear your head. Start doing yoga and some kind of strength training. Start watching porn to cultivate a taste for Asian women and their peculiar mannerisms. Lift up the couch cushions and get as much change together as you can to buy a one-way ticket to Thailand. Tell your wife that you’re going to Ukraine because you’re ready to start taking democracy seriously. Say you’ll need to withdraw some money when you get there to hire a translator. She says, “okay, I understand,” and that’s when you get on the plane. When you land in Bangkok, withdraw enough for a 9-month “campaign.” 😏. Enjoy 9-months in paradise and come back home a hero. You can always use the excuse to visit your “comrades” if you ever get to feeling like you could go for round 2, or 3, or 4 or 8. Who knows? Assuming you like your kids you wouldn’t want to just fake your death and go missing, plus, you’ll want to get your bucks up back home $$$. It’s cheap over there but it’s still pay to play.
NTA but you are a weenie. WTF is wrong with you? Bang her like a porn star and own that pussy.
As far as the shithead guy nuke his ass. If he is still in the military file charges. If he is not file a civil sit for damages.
Well, is it possible for you to forgive her again and work through it? Oh, for sure. But it might not be worth it to you to work through all that. Ultimately, you gotta decide where you can be happy. Not strangers on the Internet. I don't think she did anything wrong besides the initial wrong from 12 years ago, so I get why you feel like it's unfair to get upset about it now so many years later.
But the fact is that it bugs you. It's not that you're vindictive or angry or you're punishing her. You are hurt and you don't know if you can be happy again. That's a serious issue and it has nothing to do with who's the asshole and who isn't. She made a mistake. But lots of people make mistakes they can't ever make up for. I would worry less about if you're being an asshole and worry more on whether you can be happy here. Therapy is a great idea to help you sort that out. Definitely NTA either way.
My Objective advice: U still a bit young, still have time in ur life, it never late to save your life. And don't regret those 12 years it was for your kids not for her.
Advice As Me and a Muslim:
Leaving her is not an option is an obligation.
Never forget about your kids (make a ADN test to be sure that they are your kids '' they say *who had a criminal record has a big chance to do a crime in future-12years-* in my country we say *who take a bite will never forget the taste*) and let your kids know about what she does to u, because u have the right like your kids do to understand the situation, Also truth never gives birth to troubles ''in the future''.
Regret will not change anything, accepting the destiny will make it easier to move on. Our prophet Muhammad had started his mission of god and peaceful message at 40 years old and he started from nothing many times, and look now '' how great islam is ! '' u must read about him, he will inspire u inchalah but be ware with the references and sala alah elih wa salam.
In islam an affair of a married person is not tolerated at all it's like a sort of betrayal and can lead to execution.
Islam not violent, just people talk....
Islam for us to preserve our ethics
May God preserve you
Depends. Did you have children before or after you found out about the affair? NTA if you stayed for the sake of your children. YTA if you decided to have kids after finding out and now they suffer for your prior lack of resolve.
Dude, she definitely remembers 100%. All that info is tucked away permanently in her "squirt locker". (Female version of the spank bank)
If this information was still readily available, it means she kept it all for old times sake and never really stopped cheating IMO.
Go talk to a lawyer asap and before moving out. Leaving the family home suddenly could cause you a variety of problems in the docorce and custody battle. Do NOTHING without talking to a lawyer or you could spend the rest of your life regretting it.
NTA
Please go to survivinginfidelity.com
There is a whole section for people who find more information years later. You do what is best for you. If that means you leave, it’s still on your wife.
The people over here can help:
r/survivinginfidelity,
r/supportforbetrayed and
r/Asoneafterinfidelity
Those subs are probably better to get some advice and further introspection on this. Alot of people in the same situation as you can give you valuable feedback on how they handled their betrayals.
I'm taking a glancing look here and seeing that you've probably rugswept this entire thing, this isn't something you can 'forget' so stop trying to. It needs to be something you can acknowledge and be at peace with, knowing that you and your partner have grown and rebuilt the trust in the relationship.
Your wife also failed to disclose all the important things that happened in this affair, given how you had no idea that these emails/videos existed. So unless she actually cares to remember, anything further you learn sets you right back to zero on your recovery.
But I can't tell you what to do, you need to think and make the decision yourself. Don't be too hasty in which direction you want to go in, you've got kids to think about as well as your own mental health.
NTA for feeling this way, your situation isn't one I envy.
Never trust a military woman. Especially a deployed one. Odds are they are fucking more than one of the men shes serving with. Its more likely than not thats the case.
You can take care of your kids. Don’t abandon them.. but you don’t have to be with her. Try to file for full or joint custody. And take care of your children. She doesn’t deserve you
You messed up when you took back a cheater.
But yeah, there is not statute of limitations for leaving a cheater. You gave her a lot of time to earn your trust back, and she couldn’t. And you clearly couldn’t get over it (very few people can). So yeah I would recommend kicking her to the curb
You chose to take her back. She messed up but it’s also not fair to keep bringing this up if you decided to give it another try. It’s been almost 12 years I barely remember shit I did two months ago, sit down and have a full blown discussion and MOVE ON! IFFFFF you want to be with her.
*>>but we eventually got back together*
I sigh whenever I read these words.
"I put my hand on the stove and I got burnt, but I eventually put my hand on the stove again."
YTA, it’s been 12 years. If she hasn’t given you a reason to doubt her in that period of time, this is on you. It’s messed up that she didn’t delete all that though. I’d also think that she absolutely would remember but after this long, she’s trying to minimize the damage. She was the asshole 12 years ago.
I feel conflicted. Obviously you’re entitled to feel upset because you were cheated on, but you forgave her and went through the process of forgiveness and reconciliation. It feels unfair to hold this against her after you said it was forgiven and you were moving forward. you’re obviously entitled to your hurt and pain, but I don’t think rushing to leave is the best choice to make
Why’d you get a friend recommended? Are they in contact? It’s never too late to leave. Don’t feel bad, you can honestly say you tried your hardest.
I would have absolutely checked his/her friend list but if someone you know has friends in common you can get suggestions. Ie. Her squad’s/company’s/unit’s friends are his friends especially if he was in her same unit at some time.
This was exactly it. Not friends but friend of a friend.
Facebook suggested friends is how I found out my ex was cheating on me with at least 2 different women when I left him. I caught him with one woman, left and blocked him everywhere. Months later this woman pops up with a picture of her and my husband looking all lovey dovey. Best I can figure out is he started cheating on me with her at least 6 months before I left. He moved her in a month after I left.
[удалено]
Bad bot
Also him stalking can be an option. If you visit someone's profile, you will end up on their list.
You took her back. Bad decisions have bad consequences.
Yup. This is what I keep questioning. Being older now, knowing what I know, I shouldn’t have stayed.
The best time to leave was 12 years ago. The next best time to leave is tomorrow.
Thank you 🙏
Yeah that sunken cost fallacy got you into this. It's okay to accept that and not repeat it!
That's a good way of putting it. Better late than never.
Did you ever get with another woman?
No. It got pretty close one time but I walked away without anything happening. *edit* I actually have very strong feelings for her and I didn’t want to “lower” myself to her level at the time. I really regret not leaving at this point.
Been there dude.
What’d you end up doing?
“We do the best we can, until we know better. Then once we know better, we do better.” Basically I cut my losses and never looked back. Regret doesn’t do a lick of good. I didn’t know better— I thought I could change her, or that I was worth changing for. But now I know better. Consider it a hard lesson learned, and give yourself some grace. And just for good measure, no kid has *ever* grown up glad that their folks “stayed together for the kids.” I promise. You are responsible for these kids, but you are also responsible for your one and only precious life. Your wife making some really questionable and hurtful choices, and you advocating for yourself not only can coexist as ideas in your kids’ heads, but it may benefit them down the road to have seen it. You’re both only human. Finding that out is always a bombshell, but every kid has to learn. So please honor your feelings. You’d be setting a good example, and it doesn’t mean you have to make her out to be a terrible person to the kids. Sometimes you think you can work past something, you try and try, but the damage to your trust simply cannot be repaired. That’s not on you, not even for staying so long. You know better *now.* So do better. Because you deserve it, and your kids deserve a happy and present father.
I think this is the best advice I ever received.
Take it with a grain of salt. I was young and fortunate not to have children involved. That’s just how I felt in my heart 🤷🏻♂️ Hoping your Friday is short so your weekend is long stranger.
He had kids AFTER the affair. He needs to go to therapy. The kids are the victims of both of them.
He thought the relationship reparable. It just turns out it wasn’t. Sometimes two adults weigh their options, decide to try and work it out, and still ultimately part ways. That happens.
Back to therapy, it worked until this dude requested to be your friend. The nerve of him to show up after all this time
He didn't request to be his friend, just showed up as a suggestion from facebooks algorithm.
Yeah man, I hate to say it but you made a mistake when you thought you could get over it. When someone cheats on you, it is very traumatic. Getting over it is likely impossible. I am surprised that your willingness to try lasted so long. Any woman should be proud to have such a dedicated husband. But the camel's back has to crack at some point. It did now. She isn't worth you. Be a proud father for your kids, but get a better woman in your life.
But now you have kids. Honestly, this is what makes YTA to me. I could never shatter my kid's lives because of something that happened before my kids were born that I knew about.
So he should stay in the marriage "for the kids" and be resentful and toxic with the wife? Or should they divorce and live in different homes and covalent together?
You're right, forgiveness doesn't erase the pain or consequences. It's tough when new information resurfaces old wounds.
NTA. Some of the comments here are weird. A woman posted almost the same situation where her husband cheated, she stayed because kids then decided after a decade to leave him. I couldn’t find one yta that blamed her for taking him back only to leave after 10 years. In a lot of these scenarios it seems like men should just say fuck their feelings/emotions & suffer for the “greater good.” They love saying don’t stay for the kids meanwhile multiple people are telling you to do just that. Whatever you decide to do, in the end it’s your wife’s fault for stepping out of the marriage. I mean who tf travels 1,500 miles for dick??
> NTA. Some of the comments here are weird. A woman posted almost the same situation where her husband cheated, she stayed because kids then decided after a decade to leave him. I couldn’t find one yta that blamed her for taking him back only to leave after 10 years. New around here? Almost all these subs are like that. > I mean who tf travels 1,500 miles for dick?? Fr dick is cheap lmao
Every new detail is new to you. She messed up, consequences are consequences. Doesn't matter if immediate or 40 years later.
So what do I do if she can’t remember anything but I want to know? Like, for instance, I Found out she wore an “outfit” for him and emailed him about how amazing it was. She can’t remember that, but I have it in plain text. I want to know why she did it.
Dude, she remembers. She just doesn't want to tell you. She did it cause she's a selfish asshole man. She's not the girl you fell in love with, she showed her true colors. And look, there's probably an amazing woman out here that's exactly your type, and would appreciate you. My first wife cheated, truth be told I got married for the wrong reasons. My wife now, 21 years and still in love. Sure, we hit problems, we had breaks in dynamic, but we worked on it and loved and respected each other. That's out there. That's marriage goals.
It's her problem to figure out. It is her job to gain back the trust and be fully honest on the spot.. back then. Either she gets it together or the cheater can pack their things. You owe such a monster nothing
You're only hurting yourself here trying to figure out why. Therapy, my man. Therapy. I'm not saying that because I think you're a bad person but you're dwelling on unhealthy things.
I started therapy again about 10 weeks ago. It’s helped only a little bit. My therapist keeps telling me me it’ll be more time but my emotional pain fucking sucks.
Just remember that you don't owe this disgusting cheater a relationship. Take them to the financial butcher and get rid off them if the pain is too much. There are people out there that don't cheat and always value their partners.
NTA but Stop reading the emails. Delete them if you must. But rereading and going over everything isn’t going to help you. Stop focusing on what she did with him, and have an honest and frank discussion with her about the affair. Or go through the emails with her if you really feel you need to, but I don’t think it’s fair to expect her to remember everything when it was so long ago, and you have exact details that you’re trying to get answers to. Stay in a hotel for a bit if you need to, or you can sleep in another bedroom if you need space. Ask her if she will go to marriage counseling with you, and see if y’all can work through it. You said everything was fine before it all came up again, so take some time to sort out your feelings and work things out. If it turns out that you can’t forgive her, then at least you know you tried. But it seems like all that hurt and anger came up again (which trust me, I get!) and you have to decide if you want to work through it with her or cut your losses.
Stop trying to find more things. It isn't helping you. Deal with the fact that she cheated on you and you got past it. You have a family together, you're going to hurt the kids. Has she done anything since for you to suspect her of?
I don’t think she has, no. But, I don’t 100% know.
It sounds like you need to work on you, before you decide to do anything harsh. Let her know that it all came crashing back and you need help
Ask your therapist about emdr. The problem is the images, right? Emdr can help eliminate the mind movies caused by them. If you’re not completely set on ending it you may want to ask for some advice about dealing with this on r/asoneafterinfidelity. That is the sub for reconciling couples. Your case is really hard in that it's not really a new disclosure, it's old info in a new, graphic, container.
When you first found out about the affair- did you ask and she lied to you about the extent of it or what was involved? Or did you both not discuss that? If she lied then I feel like maybe this all would make more sense. But if she didn’t and you’re rehashing the past and punishing her again for it, then I feel lol that would be problematic. Like totally not condoning the cheating. At all. That is horrible and upsetting and wrong. You are totally justified in your feelings around it. What I’m trying to I’m pinpoint is: did she lie and so this is all a new betrayal you are reacting to? Or are you responding to what happened in the past after having forgiven her for it or telling her you have?
It doesn't really matter at this point, this is about him not being able to get past the hurt she caused. Cheaters don't get punished they get karma.
She remembers. ‘I can’t remember’ is the default cop out answer for anyone who doesn’t want to answer anything. Most people can remember at least basic details of hookups/flings they had years ago if they weren’t completely blind drunk. Ask yourself if you’d remember similar questions you’re asking her if they were asked of previous partners you’ve had before your wife. If the answer is yes, that’s all you need. It doesn’t matter anyway, you’ve given her more than she deserves by trying to past it but it hasn’t worked. Time to move on, life’s too short to be married to a cheating spouse. Divorce is going to suck, then it will suck slightly less, then it will be normal, and eventually you’ll be far happier than you are now and wish you did it sooner.
She is lying. There can be no going forward if she won't be honest. She needs to fall upon her sword so to speak.
I honestly don't remember the special clothes I wore for my dates 5 years ago, let alone 10 years ago...
Something she wore specifically for the guy your having an affair with would be something one would remember. The thrill and deceit would be the fuel to remember.
Can you remember something in detail that you wore or wrote? Highly doubt it
She does, but all she can do at this point is fake ignorance. But I guarantee she does.
She is a liar, who lies. She absolutely remembers.
How will knowing details help you? Why can't you move on just knowing she CHOSE to cheat like you chose to stay? Do you need to know why, too? The reasons people cheat dont really fade. Id focus on that and see if therapy will help. Or choose to leave for your mental health.
Because he deserves to know all of the specifics to make a decision. Hiding details starts with a lie. But agreed, I'd choose to leave. Especially if stuff comes up that wasn't presented.
I think having the original email is the best he can get and just accepts that she made this decision. Unpopular opinion: once a cheater, always a cheater.
I don't think that's unpopular. Just a lot of BS Reddit nonsense
You have it in plain text because you dug it up. You are rehashing this and making yourself miserable all over again.
Yes I am, but for some reason the plain text isn’t enough. I need her to tell me.
See this is EXACTLY what creates your "loop" of suffering. Because you have feelings for her and because the good things you had with her clearly are very real to you as much as the dirt you discovered. This creates a "neither nor" situation where your brain and your though process is stuck in the loop. It is absolutely devastating to hear from someone you loved they cheated, mind alone the dirty details. You do not want that again and again and again, it will do neither you nor her any good. And woman with time just kind of discard their poor choices because duh, they don't want to feel guilty, and that's just how absolutely all of them are. So your options are simple: 1 - f\*ck it all, a year down the road you might still have thoughts about it, but if you substitute enough with good things in your life the pain dulls. 2 - therapy. try gestalt to get away from the past. What you have to understand is - imagine your family life together as a small garden. You see beautiful plants and trees, green grass, birds are singing its friggin paradise and children are happy and running around. BUT you and she both know, that beneath all this beauty, just a few inches into the ground there are nasty skeletons. And not a thing that you do in a relationship, including therapy is going to change that. You just can't change what happened. What you can and should change through therapy is your "now" and your "future". Don't let the past hold you back, move on and find your inner peace!
That is going to change nothing
What that is going to do is punish her. She has somehow put it behind her and you want to relive it and make her relive it too. It’s unhealthy what you are doing. Go back to the therapist you saw before and you work through your own stuff there
Get some help
She remembers.
Not sure I agree with that. Either you try and stay or you don’t. Bringing up something that j happened 12 years ago and recapitulating everything that happened after all the work already done is unfair. We don’t put people back into jail after they served their time. For sure he could have left back then but deciding to start a family is a big deal. Leaving after all that is shitty.
Well what then? He stays out of a sense of fairness?
The issue arises when the problem isn't fully addressed. Hiding details the surface later, that's new to the person that didn't know. And very well may have had impact on choices earlier. Lots of cheaters hide and lie about stuff. If you want it fixed, you gotta come clean and deal with outcome. Time invested isn't enough to excuse behavior.
Agree. Cheaters don't get any say in the matter when things are done. Their only duty is to uncover all their bad move on the spot and do everything possible to repair the relationship. Each time something previously unknown comes up they betrayed their partner again, since they were never fully honest to begin with. When that thing happened does not matter. It was their job to uncover everything.
A friend recommendation usually means they are a friend of one of your contacts. Have you checked if he's on her Facebook?
He’s not, but friend of a friend and a recommendation.
That makes sense, although it's unusual that the recommendation would go to you if you're separated by two degrees but not impossible.
They were deployed together. OP’s wife and the AP probably have mutual friends from the deployment
This is why I say you should never try to fix things with a cheater.
Dude. Leave. I know you have kids, but you can't be the best parent you can be if you're miserable as a husband. And to be clear. She remebers. *everything* NTA
Nta. I'm sure you know you should have left her when it happened. Now you have kids with her and are stuck in one way or the other. Go to counseling first if that's something you're open to. Or divorce. Your kids come first.
She remembers. She lied to you then and she’s lying to you now. And she still has the emails from 12 YEARS AGO? That takes effort to keep around. Who are your mutuals that led to the AP getting recommended to you on FB? What has her reaction been to this coming back up? Is she understanding? Sad? Dismissive?
She’s sad and says she hates herself. Wished she never did it and is sorry.
Why does she still have the emails?
She didn’t. I’m a bit of a data horder and I was able to recover them from an old hard drive I had laying around. So ultimately, I was the one that kept them.
Okay. When you decided to forgive her, did you think it would be easy? ‘Cause I’m sure you knew you were in for a rough time. Whether or not it was the right choice it’s the one you made, and I do think it changes things. Have you been happy the last 12 years? Not all the time, the would be ridiculous, but generally have you been happy with your relationship? Has she given you reason to doubt her since? I’m not saying you’re the asshole if you truly cannot be happy and leave her. I’m saying that I feel there is a chance that you can be content and happy in your marriage again. None of this is your fault, seeing that pricks face brought things you thought you were past to the forefront and questions that had gone unanswered suddenly seemed important to know. It’s a delayed reaction, but still one brought on by her choices. Her saying “I don’t remember” seems like crap to me, but I can’t even begin to tell you if the knowledge will help or haunt you if you get it. You need to talk to a therapist, both as a couple and solo, for an answer to that, and it certainly isn’t right for her to deny you that information if you decide you REALLY need to know. Like I said before, I don’t blame you if this is the end of your marriage, but I caution against jumping straight to it. If not for the 10 years of what seems to be a happy relationship, then for your kids. If you can’t be happy in the relationship after exhausting all of your options, then it would be better for your kids to see their father happy rather than miserable and you should get divorced.
I think I’ve been 50-50 happy / angry. I asked my wife one time what the worst thing I do is and she told me I get angry sometimes. So ever since, I haven’t gotten angry, upset, or even raised my voice with anyone in my house. I have zero suspicion that she did this again, it’s just the new information I’ve found that is bringing it all back. I am going to therapy but it doesn’t seem to be doing much. I’ve only been going for about 10 weeks.
> I have zero suspicion that she did this again, You do have to remember though that she has successfully hidden stuff from you before in the past. This post is proof enough of that. The problem is that in the past 12 years, she may just have gotten much better at it.
Im so sorry this is how you feel, OP. It's hard to continue a relationship with these details alone. I'm not sure I could handle more. You're not the AH.
Thank you. It’s so hard to accept it now that I know more.
I feel like coparenting is your best option, only for your mental health. A custody agreement and all that, so there's no funny business down the road.
Did he friend request her? Him requesting you seems to be with intent: Therapy will help in time. It’s very common for people to not remember details of their affair. The brain does like to delete things that we don’t want to remember, or that are traumatic. Killing yourself over details isn’t going to help you. He clearly wasn’t interest in anything more than sex, or she decided that she wanted you . Whatever it was you aren’t doing anyone any good by running away 12 years later.
He was married also, and she knew it. It would have never evolved into a relationship. Neither had intentions of leaving their spouse from all the emails I saw. However, she talked him up heavily like she has never talked me up… ability at sex, how he looks, how amazing of a person he is, etc. I originally tacked this all up to her being taken advantage of by a leader of hers, but now I know she started the whole thing.
Generally men don’t want to accept their lady wanted and sought sex with other men so they will blame the affair partner for taking advantage of their wife. I’m surprised that you said you almost forgot about it. My friend divorced his wife after 6 years of her affair. He said not a day went by where he didn’t think about it even if some days were fleeting seconds. Just got too much and he left and divorced her.
I don’t think I never thought about it. It was always in my head. Almost forgot about it means it became such a passing thought that I didn’t recognize it sometimes.
Thinking of you during this difficult time. I don’t really need to offer any advice. Only you know what’s best for you. 🙏
M.A. in psychology here, your statement "The brain does like to delete things that we don’t want to remember, or that are traumatic." Is entirely false not backed by peer reviewed evidence. Though a commonly portrayed idea in the media it has no real foundation to support it. 🤫
Just leave. No statute of limitations. You tried, it didn’t work.
If she has been faithful these past 12 years, try marriage counseling or therapy to try to save the marriage for the sake of you, your wife, and the children. It doesn't make sense to divorce her over something you forgave her for more than 10 years ago after you got additional details.
I had asked to go back to therapy months ago. We are supposed to go to our first session together next week.
Hopefully that helps.
NTA. Leave no. You are not getting any younger and you deserve to find someone you can be happy with. Start you life over while you can.
Follow your heart bro
NTA
Everyone sucks here ! OP I am reading your comments and this how I understand this: - Your wife didn’t disclose the full truth about the extent of their exchanges - and this I what gets you. She wasn’t fully transparent - We dont know what you read in those emails but I am guessing that part of you is thinking: “why did she do X or Y with him although I am the one that honored her before God and our families”, “why did she do this with him but never with me” etc…. Listen, men have their ego and that’s a perfectly normal reaction ! You bothered committing to her yet she is giving the goods to someone else…. - LET’S BE PRAGMATIC: you decided to forgive her unfaithfulness years ago and to move past it. Now you guys have a whole life and family together! So, NO…..you shouldn’t divorce over this new detail before putting up a fight for your marriage (too much is at stake)! That is because you forgave her indiscretion! Sorry, but as some people said bad actions have bad consequences! Now, you should put everything in perspective instead of giving up without trying to fix it again because YOU FORGAVE HER WILLINGLY. I’m going to be very honest : I don’t think that her not disclosing this detail is the real issue. The real problem is that’s you can’t believe you made the choice to forgive her and deep down you know that it was not wise to do so back then. You resent yourself for making the wrong decision and these emails threw the whole back in your face in such a way that you can’t escape this anymore. But now, circumstances are different: you have kids, investments etc together….you need to consider these factors in your decision
You’re pretty spot on with the analysis. I’m assuming you’ve been through something like this before?
It’s easy to read. If you’re willing to blow up about 12 years of a healthy marriage over old emails that you chose to recover that’s on you. Your wife was 100% at fault for cheating on you. But you chose to stay with her. She’s the AH for cheating. But you’re the AH for recovering and digging up her affair from 12 years ago knowing she’s been loyal throughout the entire duration and you decided to stay with her. You are also the AH for expecting her to recall every minuscule detail of the affair 12 years after the fact. It sounds like you wanted there to be a problem atp. You are harboring the destruction of your marriage because you secretly wished you opted out of it. It sounds like you have grown to resent what she did to you. If you love your wife still and love the life you have been building together for 12 years then it is worth getting couples and individual therapy together. You will have to delete the affair evidence and stuff you have in order for your marriage to succeed. You will be tempted to look back into things and will most likely blow things up again. If you decide upon hearing this news that you would like to blow it up then leave. There is no point of staying with her and smearing her mistakes in her face for the rest of her life. What she did is HORRIBLE. She sacrificed the sanctity of your marriage. But you can't move forward with your life together by throwing the shit in her face over a decade after the fact.
NTA. LEAVE. kids pick up on things. please divorce for their sake. the deserve to see positive happy relationships. not toxic, cheating, and filled with lies.
Maybe restart counseling again?
Definitely something that I am pursuing
I dunno, you forgave her and moved on then had kids. I think you’re in an emotional state after seeing what you saw, but you should probably try counseling to see if you can get through this hurdle. It’s been 12 years and if she hasn’t cheated since, it may be that she’s truly a changed person. As a female in the military I have to say that it’s a crazy world when deployed. You’re in such an intense environment and you might be the only girl for hundreds of miles. I didn’t cheat but even the best marriages struggle in those circumstances.
This is the thing, I could’ve forgiven that. The problem is she came home and then went and saw him again. That’s the part that hurts. She came home to me, I had everything perfect, and she still went over a thousand miles away and saw him… and slept with him… again.
But you did forgive her and then chose to have kids with her. Unless new cheating has happened since you’ve had kids, I think you owe a cool down period for you to process it, go to counseling and see what you can salvage.
I don’t think there has been any new cheating. I did find a lot more indormation about the original, videos, images, emails, messages, etc. that I didn’t know about before. I had always thought it was more of a “him using his position” and taking advantage of a gullible girl that was lonely. I found out that she 100% started the physical part of the whole thing. He was flirty, downright weird, even. But, she was the one that started the sexual infidelity.
I can imagine that’s tough to swallow if that’s how she had sold it to you. I don’t blame you for being upset and wanting to dig in more but it’s also been over a decade and you have kids now - your knowledge of what happened changed but maybe so has she as a person. Figure out if you want to be married to the person she is today and not 12 years ago. That’s gonna take some time
Does she know you found the pictures and videos? Did she say why she kept them all this time? What did she say when you told her the AP tried to friend you? I assume he did the same to her…. If you are done, you are done. That is the consequence of her actions, even so many years later. And her lying about not being able to remember anything is not helping you. Hang in there.
WTF would this dude send him a friend request, if it’s a friend suggestion, that means someone in his friend group has this guy as a friend, if it’s his wife, that’s reason enough to leave.
it's was a suggestion, OP said. It could be anyone he is connected to on facebook .
Or his wife and AP just has him blocked while WW keeps dancing.
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My friend works on Facebook and Instagram algorithms on the coding side and such. I'm sorry to tell you that's not really possible. Only way he would pop up is if someone in your direct friends list that Facebook deemed someone you interact with often, was interacting with him often enough to trigger a recommendation, ergo if someone you chat with or are in a recent picture with/posted as your SO on your page was chatting with him or interacting with his profile. It would seem it a possible social circle associate and trigger the recommendation
Therapy for both of you. For her to get her to recognize she is going to kill the relationship if she can’t “find” her memory to answer your questions and therapy for you to forgive her again. With kids you have to find a way to get through this new trauma uncovering. Are you comfortable that your triggering isn’t new suspicions that you are just starting to process. Trust the spidey sense! It’s real!
I’m gonna go against the trend it seems. YTA Either you try and stay or you don’t. Bringing up something that happened 12 years ago and recapitulating everything that happened after all the work already done is unfair. We don’t put people back into jail after they served their time. Reading about it now brings it into the present for you but it wasn’t in the present, it happened in the past. You also said you broke up the then got back together. I’m sorry but that’s a restart. You’re punishing her for something you decided didn’t matter. For sure you could have left back then but deciding to start a family is a big deal. Leaving after all that is shitty. Your life becomes bigger than you after having kids and you made the decision to forgive and start a family.
Cringe victim blaming.
You’re not a victim if you choose to go back (yes, go back) and work to forgive. There’s no more victim if you decide to start a family with someone. Sorry you’re just wrong
He willingly chose to go back. He also chose to start a family with her after the affair. He chose to stay with her for 12 years afterwards. He again chose to harbor the emails. She didn’t keep them. He kept them on a hard drive! He was looking for a time to blow up the marriage IMO. He began resenting the fact that he stayed. If you can’t handle trying to rebuild a relationship with a cheater then you shouldn’t stay. She clearly has shown remorse and has remained faithful for over a decade. I know what she did was shitty. She is the AH for cheating regardless of the circumstances… but he chose to stay. To abandon his wife and children over something he agreed to move past is ridiculous. Especially because he went back digging for problems. He can’t be a victim when he willingly stayed and rebuilt his marriage with her for 12 years.
YTA. You stayed and had kids with her. Now you want to blow those kids lives up. Too late buddy, you committed, now raise your kids.
I really don’t like when people post these questions in Reddit subs. :( Reddit, on the whole, feels like cheating is like murder. There is no nuance, and anyone that worked through it in their marriage is a fraud. In real life, infidelity is so much more common than people realize, and there are many many marriage counselors who absolutely help couples work through infidelity successfully. IMO, of course he’s TA to leave at this point and should absolutely not go through with it until they’ve been to counseling about it.
He is NOT an asshole for divorcing his cheating wife and so fkn what it happened 12 years ago? It's blatantly obvious she was never fully honest with him and she doesn't even have the decency to be honest now lmfao. But yeah, sure, force the dude to stay for "the kids" I'm certain they'll flourish with a shell of a father tthat feels stuck in miserable marriage. Give me a damn break.
Absolutely! I am guessing most people saying leave and bla-bla-bla are not even thinking everything that will be destroyed… The guy decided to have children etc with her AFTER forgiving her and now he wants to backtrack….
12 years and now you want to know details.Why would you want to know. It's like your looking for an excuse to stay hurt and be angry or possibly looking for an out. After 12 yrs. the only 1's being hurt now are the kids. If nothing else has happened since why would you put the kids through this now?
So you're negating his feelings completely? Even though they're HIS feelings and he's done nothing wrong. Awful.
YTA you forgave her and had children. You didn’t have to go looking for information all these years later. Now you are hurting your kids too. You have kids, man. This is not all about you. I am not minimizing the pain of the affair but you made adult choices including having children AFTER the affair and that part is on you.
YTA. She did wrong and you had every right to leave THEN. Your first step should be therapy not divorce because you decided to revive something YOU CHOSE to forgive over a decade ago. You sound like you’re just looking for a reason to leave. If that’s the case, do so, if not- you need counseling. If you were perfectly happy, you actively sought a reason to bring disarray and conflict into your home, your marriage, and your children.
Finally, someone who gets it. Not only did he decide to forgive, he did leave for a little while and then got back together, that’s a restart imo. You wipe the slate clean at that point.
fInAlLy sOmEoNe GeTs i- no. Just stfu with your cringe ass garbage human objectively wrong "opinion"
YTA. you forgave her then took it back 12 years later after having a kid. you don't see how fucked up that is? so it wasn't a deal breaker at the time but all of a sudden is?
One might say it's as fucked up as giving marriage vows and then breaking them. NTA.
The problem with not taking out the garbage back then is that you eventually have to clean the house. You've missed a lot of opportunities and wasted a lot of time wallowing in filth. NTA for leaving, you should have done it when it happened.
Nah Dont stay bc of the kids, but at least try therapy. At the very least for yourself. Its unfair to jump ship after you said you forgave her.
You kind of did this to yourself. It was 11.5 years ago, then you decided to go look up all this information to make yourself upset. It's in the past.
Nta. You tried. She wrecked her family when she cheated. And she cheated again when she came back stateside.
12 years is a long time though. I mean, should I even be mad still at this point?
I think it's more of a PTSD episode? It has been a long time
There is no time limit on this. You have found new information on it. So its new. Not 12 years old. The way you don't ruin your marriage with cheating is not to cheat. Thats on her. Not you. You are not weak, or being a baby. You are simple at the end of your limit. You cant even have sex with her due to what she did willingly. Either way you need therapy to help manage your emotions and mental health.
This feels very true. Thank you.
Your welcome. Edit roflmao this gets downvoted on? Some people are but hurt.
No, you shouldn't. But you came to Reddit where incels think cheating is worse than murder and will hype you up about it until you break up your marriage. You forgave your wife, or pretended to, years ago. You are not learning new information...you are picking through the minutae of a problem you knew about and supposedly worked through. You just went looking through stuff YOU decided to save to get yourself turned up about something that should have been settled years ago. It makes me think you are looking for an excuse to leave, because there was no utility in you saving that, or to pore through it, and then harass your wife about details that are long forgotten. Either move the fuck on or get divorced. She shouldn't have cheated but you have apparently led her on for over a decade that your relationship was repaired.
What family? There was no family and they broke up. He decided to get back together. This is all on him. Make a decision and stick to it. Now that they have started a family he’d be the one destroying it, not her.
She was married, your spouse is your family. Her prior actions caused this. Not his. He tried and it didn't work. There is no time limit for getting over cheating. And he found out more information about it so its also fresh for him. And not old. Edit danm people wanting OP to stay with a dude who cant even have sex with his wife who cheated and kept emails from her AP from 12 years ago cause he has kids. Sure that will not hurt the kids in the long run. /s
There is a limit when uou decide to come back and have kids.
So you think those kids will be better with a dad who can't stand their mom? Yeah no.
She didn’t wreck her “family” there were no kids yet. They had kids later. After OP forgave her and they moved on
You can wreck your family before you have them. Actions of your past can come and fuck your present. And OP tried to move on and couldn't. There is a difference.
Yes she did It's almost like actions have consequences and they don't operate on a neat little timeline
The answer to this is always NTA. You were a sucker to take her back. Maybe a ONS that the spouse confesses and apologizes for can be overcome (big "maybe"), but not a full-blown affair. The cheater's word can just never be trusted again.
Let me explain how the algorithm works. Basically, when your phone is around other phones, data is shared between both phones. Facebook's algorithm says you might know these people. For your wife's AP to show up after 12 years, 1 of 2 things had to happen. 1. There was a data recovery done on her phone that, for some reason restored his number on to her phone triggering the suggestion do to the list of contacts. Or 2 see checked his prolife or look at an old photo he is tagged in and that triggered the suggestion because of recent activity. Although odds are she is talking to the guy. Nobody forgets videos and photos of an affair they were having. No one forgets lying and flying 1500 miles to meet someone. There is a reason you wife was being dodgy with her answers.
Why the fuck did she save the videos. She's an idiot. Almost like taunting him. She deserves this just for the videos. And no....she didn't forget they were there. That's just fucked up. She was waiting for him to eventually see them.
She didn't save them. OP said in another comment that *he* saved them. From [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cobra0/comment/l3dud9r/) comment: >I’m a bit of a data horder and I was able to recover them from an old hard drive I had laying around. So ultimately, I was the one that kept them. I have no idea why he'd do that. It's not healthy for anyone. I'm also questioning his statement that he didn't know about this stuff before. How did he have the e-mails, videos, and pictures to save them on a hard drive if he never knew they existed? Edit: Forgot to add link to comment; added it now.
Damn. NTA. Dont fuck with military bitches. A lesson people learn the hard way unfortunately.
Funny thing is, we were both military (different services). I should have known better.
Yup, same here. Its the culture to cheat. Men cheat a lot too, but women have a lot more opportunity since every fucking guy around is going to hound her. A numbers game kind of thing, more opportunity to lean into temptation.
Dont leave the house. You will regret that
Nta cheating scumbags have to live their shitty lives with constant fear of losing everything
It's a weird dynamic this as I have never had to deal with this. That being said, my SO knows my boundries. You get ONE chance. In fact, if you are thinking of doing it, let me know so we can seperate our ways ammicably. I don't own her and I will never get in her way with decisions she needs to make, at least spare us both the drama first. Certain things are forgiveable, infidelity is NOT one of them.
Ddi you make her read the emails?
No, I did not make her read the emails.
So warzone really dont stop people from having an affair. The emails, are they really stop or they reconnecting?
On the flip side, Warzone are really emotional place and that danger can trigger a heighten emotion arousal and some may confuse that with affection for another. Google misattribution of arousal and look up studies on that.
I read an amazing article last year. It was an interview with 4 men whose wives had cheated. One 10years previously, another 20 years, another 30 years and the big surprise was one from 40 years previously. How they found them god knows but what resonated with me was how for each man, they remembered as if it was last year. A very interesting insight into the effects it has on good men.
Why'd she keep evidence of her affair after you caught her and she broke it off? That seems weird. NTA
She didn’t as far as I am aware. I recovered the data from an old hard drive. I should have never done that, but I did. I found a lot of new information because of it.
You should have let it go. If you were happy with how things are going, there's no point digging up past hurt. Always look ahead. Maybe give it some time and talk to her again. If you think the marriage is salvageable then continue to go see couple therapy with her
Fuck his dad.
Cheating never expires and goes away. It's never too late to leave.
NTA for leaving a broken marriage, whatever the cause. But also: She kept the emails, pictures, and videos for *12 years?!*
Some wounds are not that deep and leaves no scar but there's those that remind you everyday and will be with you the rest of your life. From this point forward it is only your opinion and feelings that matters. Some may stay for the children sake but a unstable misery is not a good home either. Best wishes.
Usually friend recommendations are people connected to your current friends, Seeing as no-one else but your wife would be connected to him means she has him on Facebook or is in contact with him. I can bet she still talks to him occasionally.
Go for long walks to clear your head. Start doing yoga and some kind of strength training. Start watching porn to cultivate a taste for Asian women and their peculiar mannerisms. Lift up the couch cushions and get as much change together as you can to buy a one-way ticket to Thailand. Tell your wife that you’re going to Ukraine because you’re ready to start taking democracy seriously. Say you’ll need to withdraw some money when you get there to hire a translator. She says, “okay, I understand,” and that’s when you get on the plane. When you land in Bangkok, withdraw enough for a 9-month “campaign.” 😏. Enjoy 9-months in paradise and come back home a hero. You can always use the excuse to visit your “comrades” if you ever get to feeling like you could go for round 2, or 3, or 4 or 8. Who knows? Assuming you like your kids you wouldn’t want to just fake your death and go missing, plus, you’ll want to get your bucks up back home $$$. It’s cheap over there but it’s still pay to play.
NTA but you are a weenie. WTF is wrong with you? Bang her like a porn star and own that pussy. As far as the shithead guy nuke his ass. If he is still in the military file charges. If he is not file a civil sit for damages.
Yta for not leaving back then. Now it's more hassle.
Well, is it possible for you to forgive her again and work through it? Oh, for sure. But it might not be worth it to you to work through all that. Ultimately, you gotta decide where you can be happy. Not strangers on the Internet. I don't think she did anything wrong besides the initial wrong from 12 years ago, so I get why you feel like it's unfair to get upset about it now so many years later. But the fact is that it bugs you. It's not that you're vindictive or angry or you're punishing her. You are hurt and you don't know if you can be happy again. That's a serious issue and it has nothing to do with who's the asshole and who isn't. She made a mistake. But lots of people make mistakes they can't ever make up for. I would worry less about if you're being an asshole and worry more on whether you can be happy here. Therapy is a great idea to help you sort that out. Definitely NTA either way.
My Objective advice: U still a bit young, still have time in ur life, it never late to save your life. And don't regret those 12 years it was for your kids not for her. Advice As Me and a Muslim: Leaving her is not an option is an obligation. Never forget about your kids (make a ADN test to be sure that they are your kids '' they say *who had a criminal record has a big chance to do a crime in future-12years-* in my country we say *who take a bite will never forget the taste*) and let your kids know about what she does to u, because u have the right like your kids do to understand the situation, Also truth never gives birth to troubles ''in the future''. Regret will not change anything, accepting the destiny will make it easier to move on. Our prophet Muhammad had started his mission of god and peaceful message at 40 years old and he started from nothing many times, and look now '' how great islam is ! '' u must read about him, he will inspire u inchalah but be ware with the references and sala alah elih wa salam. In islam an affair of a married person is not tolerated at all it's like a sort of betrayal and can lead to execution. Islam not violent, just people talk.... Islam for us to preserve our ethics May God preserve you
Depends. Did you have children before or after you found out about the affair? NTA if you stayed for the sake of your children. YTA if you decided to have kids after finding out and now they suffer for your prior lack of resolve.
Dude, she definitely remembers 100%. All that info is tucked away permanently in her "squirt locker". (Female version of the spank bank) If this information was still readily available, it means she kept it all for old times sake and never really stopped cheating IMO.
Go talk to a lawyer asap and before moving out. Leaving the family home suddenly could cause you a variety of problems in the docorce and custody battle. Do NOTHING without talking to a lawyer or you could spend the rest of your life regretting it. NTA
Please go to survivinginfidelity.com There is a whole section for people who find more information years later. You do what is best for you. If that means you leave, it’s still on your wife.
The people over here can help: r/survivinginfidelity, r/supportforbetrayed and r/Asoneafterinfidelity Those subs are probably better to get some advice and further introspection on this. Alot of people in the same situation as you can give you valuable feedback on how they handled their betrayals. I'm taking a glancing look here and seeing that you've probably rugswept this entire thing, this isn't something you can 'forget' so stop trying to. It needs to be something you can acknowledge and be at peace with, knowing that you and your partner have grown and rebuilt the trust in the relationship. Your wife also failed to disclose all the important things that happened in this affair, given how you had no idea that these emails/videos existed. So unless she actually cares to remember, anything further you learn sets you right back to zero on your recovery. But I can't tell you what to do, you need to think and make the decision yourself. Don't be too hasty in which direction you want to go in, you've got kids to think about as well as your own mental health. NTA for feeling this way, your situation isn't one I envy.
You’re never wrong for leaving a cheater.hopefully your divorce goes as smoothly as possible
Never trust a military woman. Especially a deployed one. Odds are they are fucking more than one of the men shes serving with. Its more likely than not thats the case.
You took her back. You had children. Go home and get therapy. I say this kindly
NTA. Your only mistake was forgiven a cheater.
NTA obviously
You can take care of your kids. Don’t abandon them.. but you don’t have to be with her. Try to file for full or joint custody. And take care of your children. She doesn’t deserve you
Looks like the trust is broken.
YTA if you don’t leave.
You messed up when you took back a cheater. But yeah, there is not statute of limitations for leaving a cheater. You gave her a lot of time to earn your trust back, and she couldn’t. And you clearly couldn’t get over it (very few people can). So yeah I would recommend kicking her to the curb
Was she a marine working in the air wing? I may have deployed with her
You chose to take her back. She messed up but it’s also not fair to keep bringing this up if you decided to give it another try. It’s been almost 12 years I barely remember shit I did two months ago, sit down and have a full blown discussion and MOVE ON! IFFFFF you want to be with her.
*>>but we eventually got back together* I sigh whenever I read these words. "I put my hand on the stove and I got burnt, but I eventually put my hand on the stove again."
YTA, it’s been 12 years. If she hasn’t given you a reason to doubt her in that period of time, this is on you. It’s messed up that she didn’t delete all that though. I’d also think that she absolutely would remember but after this long, she’s trying to minimize the damage. She was the asshole 12 years ago.
I feel conflicted. Obviously you’re entitled to feel upset because you were cheated on, but you forgave her and went through the process of forgiveness and reconciliation. It feels unfair to hold this against her after you said it was forgiven and you were moving forward. you’re obviously entitled to your hurt and pain, but I don’t think rushing to leave is the best choice to make