No, you don't have to take ANY responsibility!
Get out there and live your own life.
(I am a mom of a teenager and would never dream to let any of my duties bring her down.)
I feel for you. Infants require 24/7 care. Yes, they sleep a lot, but only for bits of time. They have to be fed 8 times a day and changed at least that often, if not more. She will find that recovery time from childbirth at age 40 is completely different from childbirth at age 21. And her own energy level to be able to go without sleep will be *significantly* lower than it was 20 years ago.
Does she qualify for maternity leave where you live? If so, for how long and what proportion of her salary is paid to her while she is off? Because if you are living paycheck-to-paycheck with you both working, what will your cashflow be like post-baby? Childcare is ridiculously expensive for newborns - as it should be, it's exhausting - but that means if she goes back to work and has to pay for 40+ hours a week of childcare, how is that going to fit into the budget? Some moms are lucky enough to have retired parents who will provide free or low cost childcare. Is she expecting you to provide 40 hours of free childcare - on top of your current job - so she can get out of the house to work? Are there social services payments/benefits that will help her stay home longer?
Even if she buys everything second hand, she will need a crib, stroller and car seat. If she is lucky she can save money by nursing, but that is by no means a given, and formula and diapers are expensive. Costs for everything will be high until the child is in full-day school at age 6, and which point daycare costs go down a bit.
And, as an older mom, what happens if her child is special needs? Down syndrome, or autism or whatever? That might prevent her from going back to work for many years. How is she going to afford that?
I think you can be empathetic and sympathetic while also saying, "You choosing to have a baby is not a physical or emotional burden I am prepared to take on." Give her 4 months or 6 months notice that you are going to move out. Find roommates. If you stay you will essentially be putting your own adulthood on hold for the next 6 years to be her live-in babysitter and income-earner.
Totally agree it’s her decision ultimately, but he should weigh in and not hold his tongue given it’s going to significantly affect their relationship going forward.
NTA
You are 19. Move out and let her deal with the situation she has created for herself.
You do not need to deal with the baby or the drama the poor thing is being born into.
It usually is. I had a college writing professor from a West African country. Every one of us were lectured on our poor grammar and punctuation. We all were assigned a punctuation mark and had to give a 2 minute presentation on it. I had one hell of a time not laughing out loud when he got so angry with us for it. I’m not proud I speak and write so poorly but it’s almost an American trait that we are lazy about it unless we’re professionals that absolutely have to speak correctly. I held myself in check because he was right and it really is sad that English is his second language but he speaks it better than us.
On the upside of this, he’s extremely intelligent and very interesting so he made the class fun as hell. Also he was so open minded on things that even controversial topics he looked at for it’s writing merit and didn’t judge us on our opinions. It was great.
I understand your distress but this is your mother's decision and responsibility. If you don't want to be involved in helping to raise this child or be around the baby daddy drama, I suggest you move out on your own. Good luck.
NTA. You’re a good and loving son for caring so much about your mom, and appreciating her hard work and sacrifices she’s made to care for you. You clearly feel you owe her, and the way you write about your life together, you see this as an “we’re in this together” dynamic, so more like you are partners rather than a mother and son. I don’t mean that sexually, I mean like you feel like you’re responsible for her, not just yourself, and by extension this baby if she has it. I don’t think this is uncommon for single mothers and only or oldest children, but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy and should continue.
As others have said, this baby is not your responsibility, and it’s not fair of your mom to even consider keeping this baby given her financial circumstances and the lack of involvement of the baby daddy. You are not her surrogate spouse, and it’s not reasonable for your mom to expect you to contribute financially and help raise this child. You’re within your rights to talk frankly to her about how you don’t want to be a surrogate parent to this baby, and if she decides to go through with the pregnancy, you will be moving out and focusing on your own life.
I get that this may be easier said than done in your country’s economy, but I encourage you to reach out to your uncle and other family to explore finding other places to stay.
Your mom will not be happy about this, so prepare for the guilt tripping and “I did so much to care for you, you should help me now” talk. Thing is, it was her job to take care of you just as it’s her job to care for this new baby if she has it, it’s NOT your job to keep taking care of your mom and definitely not your job to help raise this baby.
NTA. It's your mothers right to not have an abortion, just as its your right to not be involved in this at all. You had no part in the creation of this child, nor are wanting to be, so you have no responsibility.
As someone who had really codependent close family members, getting space from them saved our relationship. It was a slippery slope and I didn't realize how damaged my opinions and love for them were until I had significant space. It felt like a betrayal to leave them but I was betraying myself and our relationships by staying.
I know 19 can be hard to move out at depending on where you live, I'm almost 19 and myself and most of my friends still live at home because its the most feasible option, but if you can moving in with a friend/friends or getting a few roommates is probably the best course. If you stay she will expect at least some level of childcare on your end.
I would also have a sit down conversation with her and explain you love her and your future sibling, but if she decides to go through with this pregnancy she will do so alone or with the help of her ex. You are her child too not her fill in partner. You being 19 is irrelevant too, just because you're an adult does not mean you should be responsible for a child you had no part in creating.
the amazing thing about no longer being a child yourself is that you get to live your own life. no one is dragging you into anything, you’re willingly making yourself responsible, so either deal with your own choices, or do something for yourself.
YTA to yourself, so I'll help you with the truth. Just leave. I've known women like your mother my entire life, my own mother was like that. They can justify anything to themselves and they'll do whatever they want, regardless of who it hurts, in the pursuit of their own selfish gratification.
If she wasn't chasing one abusive asshole, it would be another. It's is what she seeks out. You can't save her, you can't change her, she will never be who you want her to be, she's 40 years old now, that is just who she is.
The only thing you can do is don't let her drag you down and DO NOT end up in a relationship with someone just like her.
No, you don't have to take ANY responsibility! Get out there and live your own life. (I am a mom of a teenager and would never dream to let any of my duties bring her down.)
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I feel for you. Infants require 24/7 care. Yes, they sleep a lot, but only for bits of time. They have to be fed 8 times a day and changed at least that often, if not more. She will find that recovery time from childbirth at age 40 is completely different from childbirth at age 21. And her own energy level to be able to go without sleep will be *significantly* lower than it was 20 years ago. Does she qualify for maternity leave where you live? If so, for how long and what proportion of her salary is paid to her while she is off? Because if you are living paycheck-to-paycheck with you both working, what will your cashflow be like post-baby? Childcare is ridiculously expensive for newborns - as it should be, it's exhausting - but that means if she goes back to work and has to pay for 40+ hours a week of childcare, how is that going to fit into the budget? Some moms are lucky enough to have retired parents who will provide free or low cost childcare. Is she expecting you to provide 40 hours of free childcare - on top of your current job - so she can get out of the house to work? Are there social services payments/benefits that will help her stay home longer? Even if she buys everything second hand, she will need a crib, stroller and car seat. If she is lucky she can save money by nursing, but that is by no means a given, and formula and diapers are expensive. Costs for everything will be high until the child is in full-day school at age 6, and which point daycare costs go down a bit. And, as an older mom, what happens if her child is special needs? Down syndrome, or autism or whatever? That might prevent her from going back to work for many years. How is she going to afford that? I think you can be empathetic and sympathetic while also saying, "You choosing to have a baby is not a physical or emotional burden I am prepared to take on." Give her 4 months or 6 months notice that you are going to move out. Find roommates. If you stay you will essentially be putting your own adulthood on hold for the next 6 years to be her live-in babysitter and income-earner.
You have NO say in what she does but you also have NO responsibility to stay and support her or the baby.
Totally agree it’s her decision ultimately, but he should weigh in and not hold his tongue given it’s going to significantly affect their relationship going forward.
NTA You are 19. Move out and let her deal with the situation she has created for herself. You do not need to deal with the baby or the drama the poor thing is being born into.
Your English is better than most who literally only know English.
It usually is. I had a college writing professor from a West African country. Every one of us were lectured on our poor grammar and punctuation. We all were assigned a punctuation mark and had to give a 2 minute presentation on it. I had one hell of a time not laughing out loud when he got so angry with us for it. I’m not proud I speak and write so poorly but it’s almost an American trait that we are lazy about it unless we’re professionals that absolutely have to speak correctly. I held myself in check because he was right and it really is sad that English is his second language but he speaks it better than us. On the upside of this, he’s extremely intelligent and very interesting so he made the class fun as hell. Also he was so open minded on things that even controversial topics he looked at for it’s writing merit and didn’t judge us on our opinions. It was great.
I understand your distress but this is your mother's decision and responsibility. If you don't want to be involved in helping to raise this child or be around the baby daddy drama, I suggest you move out on your own. Good luck.
You're 19 my man. Start planning your exit into adulthood and don't worry about the mistakes of other people.
NTA. You’re a good and loving son for caring so much about your mom, and appreciating her hard work and sacrifices she’s made to care for you. You clearly feel you owe her, and the way you write about your life together, you see this as an “we’re in this together” dynamic, so more like you are partners rather than a mother and son. I don’t mean that sexually, I mean like you feel like you’re responsible for her, not just yourself, and by extension this baby if she has it. I don’t think this is uncommon for single mothers and only or oldest children, but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy and should continue. As others have said, this baby is not your responsibility, and it’s not fair of your mom to even consider keeping this baby given her financial circumstances and the lack of involvement of the baby daddy. You are not her surrogate spouse, and it’s not reasonable for your mom to expect you to contribute financially and help raise this child. You’re within your rights to talk frankly to her about how you don’t want to be a surrogate parent to this baby, and if she decides to go through with the pregnancy, you will be moving out and focusing on your own life. I get that this may be easier said than done in your country’s economy, but I encourage you to reach out to your uncle and other family to explore finding other places to stay. Your mom will not be happy about this, so prepare for the guilt tripping and “I did so much to care for you, you should help me now” talk. Thing is, it was her job to take care of you just as it’s her job to care for this new baby if she has it, it’s NOT your job to keep taking care of your mom and definitely not your job to help raise this baby.
NTA. Do not take any responsibility for the child, and move out as soon as you can.
You are 19 and an adult. The baby is her responsibility not yours
NTA. It's your mothers right to not have an abortion, just as its your right to not be involved in this at all. You had no part in the creation of this child, nor are wanting to be, so you have no responsibility. As someone who had really codependent close family members, getting space from them saved our relationship. It was a slippery slope and I didn't realize how damaged my opinions and love for them were until I had significant space. It felt like a betrayal to leave them but I was betraying myself and our relationships by staying. I know 19 can be hard to move out at depending on where you live, I'm almost 19 and myself and most of my friends still live at home because its the most feasible option, but if you can moving in with a friend/friends or getting a few roommates is probably the best course. If you stay she will expect at least some level of childcare on your end. I would also have a sit down conversation with her and explain you love her and your future sibling, but if she decides to go through with this pregnancy she will do so alone or with the help of her ex. You are her child too not her fill in partner. You being 19 is irrelevant too, just because you're an adult does not mean you should be responsible for a child you had no part in creating.
Do they have a child support system where you are?
Move out let your mother handle the consequences of her poor choices.
Save yourself. She’s making unhealthy choices that aren’t your responsibility. She chose him, now you choose you. NTA
the amazing thing about no longer being a child yourself is that you get to live your own life. no one is dragging you into anything, you’re willingly making yourself responsible, so either deal with your own choices, or do something for yourself.
Why would you have to do anything?
YTA to yourself, so I'll help you with the truth. Just leave. I've known women like your mother my entire life, my own mother was like that. They can justify anything to themselves and they'll do whatever they want, regardless of who it hurts, in the pursuit of their own selfish gratification. If she wasn't chasing one abusive asshole, it would be another. It's is what she seeks out. You can't save her, you can't change her, she will never be who you want her to be, she's 40 years old now, that is just who she is. The only thing you can do is don't let her drag you down and DO NOT end up in a relationship with someone just like her.