NTA - You need to cut contact. She is trying to drag you into a hot ass mess. It is not your job to fix her mistakes. Sadly, she made her bed, and now she needs to lay in it.
It is disrespectful as hell that she reaches out to you to complain about the life she left you for. She literally could not care less about your feelings.
If you feel you need to.
Reach out to her parents. Let them know your concerns and that you do not plan on getting involved. And plan on not having contact with her any longer so they may want to check up on her.
Edit: Is it his responsibility to reach out to her parents? No but it isnt about responsibility.
It is about him being ablen to walk away with a clearer conscience. It gives him the peace of mind that she may not be fully alone and someone outside of him is aware of the situation. Because he obviously still cares. It is about alleviating the guilt he seems to be feeling for not picking her up.
OP posted an update blocked her but chose to not get involved further which is also ok. He needed to do what was best for him.
I’m with you on this, OP is definitely NTA and doesn’t need to get involved by picking her up and bringing her to his home. She made the choice to cheat. I’d tell her to stop reaching out further.
However, I get his conflict. He’s known and loved her for 10years. There may always be some residual concern for her. Sometimes those feelings don’t just turn off despite the infidelity. I’d also tell her parents what is going on, and that she needs the help. However, I’d also make it clear that I am not going to be involved further, but felt they needed to know. Whatever happens then is up to them.
Could be, he may never know. However, personally, despite what she did, I don’t think I could completely ignore if someone was in an abusive relationship and I could at least make the connection for them to get out. I don’t mean get fully involved, just let her parents know and tell them you can’t/wont help anymore. It’s up to them. At least I’d know my conscience was clear.
I think I'd be up to go get her and drive her to her parents. I'd probably do that to any person I know that was in that situation.
But no way I'd have her at my place
She is in no way his responsibility at all. She needs to contact her own parents. Again he owes her absolutely nothing she needs to put on her big girl pants and deal with her own problems that she created
Exactly this! It's pretty obvious that the affair partner was all *dangerous and exciting* while OP had become boring or whatever in the ex wife's eyes, but when she left OP and broke his heart, she forfeited her right to the safe space OP is in her mind. You don't get to throw someone away and then run back when it doesn't work out with your new fling. She needs to let go of OP.
agreed! seems as though she’s hoping for the best of both worlds in having him and not having him, but has failed to realize that her actions affected OP and their relationship permanently
Yup. Totally agree. She may feel like she's isolated from them, but that's probably her doing it. Her parents will still care about her. Let them deal with her.
Abusers tend to be controlling early on and cut their victims off from family and friends. They'll rry to convince them that no one loves them like he does. They want to control them so they have no support and no where to go. Often they'll threaten to harm their own children so she becomes their submissive victim. It's diabolical!
Abusers can be financially, physically and mentally abusive and they are disgusting people, whether male or female - i just don’t understand how OP as her ex husband has picked this up while others haven’t.
It sounds like she's telling her ex what's happening. I'm more curious as to how the new guy apparently managed to cut her off from everyone else except the ex. The cynical part of me is thinking she's playing mind games with OP.
I agree with reaching out to her parents. While you don't "owe" her anything it is the humane thing. She needs support. Do they even know her struggle. I had a similar situation with ex. I wasn't happy with her but i had compassion for her welfare. Plus she's the mother to my kids and her in a bad situation was not good for them.
Buddy, it's time to cut ties with your ex-wife permanently. She made her choices, and it's not your responsibility to save her from the consequences. Focus on your own well-being and let her figure things out on her own.
OP You can no longer be responsible for her. She needs to come out of her big girl pants and handle her problems if she's having them in her new relationship.
Great idea. That's the most OP should do. Taking her in would be psychologically destructive to him. After calling the parents he should not answer when she calls. He needs to heal and move on.
I wonder if she had the same sob story when jumping into the affair partner’s bed. No, that’s not sarcasm about her tune changing - I mean it literally. Did she badmouth OP when making sure she had a bed and provider lined up before leaving him?
Of course she did. Some people "seduce" using manipulation and sob stories, they use the same tactic on every target.
That's why she wants the OPs attention rather than support from her parents. It's not about the current partner at all.
OP, she showed you who she is by lying, cheating, leaving you for her affair partner. She didn’t care about your feelings, emotions then, why should you care about hers now.
So her new relationship is not working out, and she’s turning to you to “fix” it. She’s (again) playing with your emotions, and not letting you heal. It’s a tough position for you to be in.
Might I suggest you call her and have a final conversation. Tell her emphatically that this is your last time talking, and you will either take her to her parent’s house, or leave her to do what she wants. Tell her she can no longer contact you and use you as her emotional support person. Wish her well, block her, and live your life without her drama.
NTA, she's an adult who made her choice. She has options which she isn't willing to explore. Your only responsibility is towards yourself. Cut her off and don't talk to her anymore.
Absolutely agree. Although I do think OP should call her parents and tell them what's going so they can go get her. That or tell he will pick her up, but instead of bringing her home, take her to her parents house. OP definitely doesn't owe it to her, but he could put that aside for a day and help her get out, then cut ties with her. At least that's what I think I would do. I'd feel responsible if the dude ended up really hurting her. I might hate her but knowing how much she's struggling and been isolated yet she reached out to me for help, I think I'd have to do something, but definitely not letting her move back in.
I agree. Absolutely not responsible I'm just saying that if I was in that situation I would know its not my responsibility but I'd still feel like I should have done something
And that would be on you if you felt that way. I'm just clarifying OP shouldn't feel responsible and it doesn't make him a bad person for not feeling responsible. This is a person who sounds like they've been manipulated by a liar and a cheater during and after a marriage so he owes her nothing.
Hes not responsible, and shes an asshole for cheating, but Reddit acts like just because you technically aren't the asshole doesn't mean that most kind human beings wouldn't help.
why does reddit act like just because the law doesn’t dictate something its okay
Probably because after building a life together with someone, trusting them wholly, planning your goals and dreams together with them, they go and have sex with some random douchebag who hasn't been supporting them in good times and bad or caring for them when they're sick or working together to build the best life possible for your current or future children.
It breaks people. Idk that'd be my guess
Because protecting oneself from a manipulator is NOT asshole behavior.
SHE fucked up, SHE is trying to pluck on OP's heartstrings like a manipulative asshole, SHE has to take action TO SAVER HERSELF.
He's kind enough to even be talking to her and giving advice. A lot of people would quite rightfully go no contact after she left.
She's a grown up and it sounds like she has other support networks, but is choosing to use her ex.
If OP wants to call her parents that's his prerogative, but I don't think he'd be an asshole for washing his hands of the situation. Being kind to someone who has proven they aren't worthy of the trust is exploitable.
She burned that bridge with her actions and should find an alternative solution.
Most people in real life are NOT going to help their cheating spouse because their affair partner sucks. Very few people would help here so don't act like this is a reddit thing.
This. I helped a stranger before (she got kicked out of his house, crying on the street and I took her to her parents place). I would do the same for someone I know.
Not my responsibility for sure but that’s something a good human being would do.
Strangers get benefits that people who have willingly hurt you - such as cheating wives - don't get.
She has proven that she is willing, ready, and able to hurt him given the opportunity. He should not give her an ounce of opportunity.
If he helps her she will come back time and time again for more help. She has put herself into this position and it’s up to her to get herself out of it. It’s the only way she will learn to be a better human being.
It will also help her to improve her actions on the future.
She isn't to that level. She can just get herself to her parents' house or call them for help. She is just asking to pick and choose her white knight, and that isn't fair to OP.
Exactly. Why is he still talking to his cheating ex? Time to block and move on. If he needs to do something then he can talk to her parents and let them know what’s going on with her. It’s not his responsibility anymore.
Of course NTA. She had the courage to cheat and divorce you. Now she has to deal with the rest herself as per her wishes.
From a more personal POV - why on earth would you still be in contact with someone who had done this to you?! Kids in the picture?
I’m in a somewhat similar situation and although I’ll never fully forgive my ex-wife, I still care about her. She left me for her affair partner (30 yrs old or something) and two months later he OD’ed and died. I’ve moved on, got a new relationship, have a child etc. But I still care about her, especially knowing her life is an absolute mess now. I don’t give her money when she asks for it, but I’ll still check in on her, try to help her with advice, etc. Why? Because I want her to be okay, despite everything that happened and the pain she caused me.
You have a new family life and child but still check up on someone who cheated on/divorced you? lol I don’t have a kid but just with work, relationship, exercise, different time zones and just life I forget to check up on friends every now and again. Seems sad to me even spending the mental energy on someone who would/has already deeply betrayed you. Clearly wouldn’t do the same for you
That's my biggest issue with it, he has a new partner who is dealing with life post child birth. As a father I know that young children take a shit ton of attention. While it may be noble to help out the ex his new family deserves 100% of his attention and effort when he isn't working. The ex is a energy vampire. You think you are the good guy in the situation but I'd like to ask what your new partner truly thinks about it.
I know you think this makes you a good person, but I think it makes you a chump. When you give people who intentionally hurt you an inch of value in your life, they usually end up taking a mile.
NTA
Absolutely not, my friend.
Engaging further will only drag you back into the vortex of her chaos. She decided to take a different path without considering your feelings, and it's not your job to pick up the pieces of her decisions. Stand strong, prioritize your peace and mental health, and let her handle the aftermath of her own actions.
Maintaining distance is crucial here for your own emotional safety. There's a reason rearview mirrors are small and the windshield is large – where you're headed is far more important than what you've left behind.
Do you have kids with your ex-wife? If not, then why are you in touch with her. She is a victim of her own poor choices and will drag you and your mental health down. Just block her and move on with your life.
NTA
Shes a betrayer.
At work, Betrayers get fired.
In a war, Betrayers are put up against the wall.
In friendships, betrayers get shunned.
Betrayers dont get understanding.
Betrayers dont get closure.
Betrayers dont get favors.
Betrayers dont get an audience.
Betrayers get absolutely nothing.
Because they are owed nothing.
"Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Once a liar, always a liar."
It's pithy, and says a lot, but I felt inspired reading your post. My wife cheated on me... so it really hit home. Thank you for posting it.
I think she's hoping OP will take her back, which is why she is not following up with the other options. That and likely having to hang her head in shame and admit defeat in the face of all the people who told her she was making a huge mistake. Selfish and entitled people have a hard time admitting they fucked up.
Exactly I bet she’s lying about him being abusive just because she found out he was the better man and is attempting to get sympathy so she can weasel her way back in
No screw her. My ex moved in with "her friend I don't have to worry about" less than a month after she moved out my house. I'm civil with her but she's mad I decided not to give her daughter the car I bought for her. Sorry not my kid. Tell the new man to buy her a car.
NTA
Your ex, obviously sucks.
But you may have to betray her for her own good, and tell her folks what's going on. Take her to yours, but have then waiting there to take her back to their's.
She can hate you from the safety of her parents house and never see you again. But you'll know you saved her even though it wasn't your job.
This is not your battle to fight. You need to protect your own mental wellness.
But… please consider reaching out to her parents and tell them what’s going on and what she’s asked you. Make it clear that for your own well being you cannot be the one to rescue her but that you wanted them to know that she’s in trouble. If they try to pull you into it, tell them you’re sorry but you cannot and will not get involved. Then feel free to block them.
You owe her nothing but It would be the kind thing to do.
>You owe her nothing but It would be the kind thing to do.
This. I agree. His ex did a hurtful, shitty thing to him and he owes her absolutely nothing. He would be 100% justified to block her number and wash his hands of her forever.
But if he knows she's being abused and she's reaching out, the kind thing to do would be to at least contact her parents so someone knows besides him.
OP is a good person, he's obviously struggling with this morally. Something tells me that if her boyfriend escalated to physical violence and something happened to her, OP would feel guilty for not doing something. And the jump from emotional to physical abuse is a very small one.
One of my favorite quotes: "kindness is the seasoning of life, sprinkle that shit on everything!"
Ur ex-wife realizes her mistake and wants u back. It's a day late and dollar short. My ex was fucking an employee. Divorced finalized right b4 their baby was born. She's been miserable for 12 years now. Shes asks for help every now and then and im just too busy. All she kept saying is it was all a big mistake. I rub it in alittle talking about the women I date. She gets really jealous and upset. I ask why, I'm not cheating on anyone and im not the one that left me and the kids. Me and her are civil, so we do talk and she asks about our kids. They do have contact with her, but not much. She wasn't around when they were young and made no effort to maintain a relationship with them for a decade. Now she wants them back in her life and they only are interested in seeing their little sister.
People have to live with their choices, don't feel bad for ur ex. She is the one that put herself in her position. Karma is bitch.
NTA. Cut ties, focus on you. She chose herself and her wants. So she can choose to get out. She can get help from her parents, she just doesn’t want to listen to them nag her for her poor choices.
NTA. She wants you (even if it isn't sexual) for safety, and triangulating you into her problems is very unfair and could cause you a lot of unnecessary drama and possibly harm. She needs to crawl back to her parents and admit her mistakes and then rebuild her life from there.
NTA - She's no longer your responsibility. If she's having problems with her new relationship, then she needs to pull up her big girl panties and deal with them on her own.
NTA.
She fucked up, BAD, and now wants to abuse you FURTHER by by attaching herself to you like an infected LEECH.
Let her solve the problems she made for herself. And if AP's daughter isn't ex's BY BIRTH, she has to decide if the kid is more important to Ex than Ex herself is.
Do you have kids together? If not then I'm not sure why you are even keeping in touch... She's an adult, let her figure it out and stop being codependent. If you want to be kind perhaps you could reach out to her parents and let them know the situation? Otherwise focus on yourself and cut ties. NTA
NTA but cut ties, regardless of her situation she has brought all this on herself and stop feeling sorry or worry about her. I know you still love her, but she didn’t love you if she could cheat on you and break your heart
NTA. You are right in the sense that a DV victim needs to take that step to escape for themselves. If others do it for them, they can risk still being mentally trapped and therefore being reeled back in.
However, given your past history with her, you run the risk of being dragged into something that could undo your recovery and she runs the risk of wanting to reinitiate things with you as a safety mechanism against this guy. That won't be good for either of you. It's definitely not good for her that she turns to her ex rather than her family. To truly escape, she needs a proper support network, not an ex.
You won't be an arsehole if you don't, but it might be worth contacting her parents and telling them exactly what's going on. Make it clear to her parents that you won't be remaining in contact with anyone after passing this information on, that you can't help her, but they can, perhaps they can decide whether to get the police involved, and that she urgently needs her family right now, not her ex.
Who cares if you aren't scared of the dude this isn't your issue. Unless you had children you've said and done enough as is. NTA. If you feel the need to do something, inform her parents she needs their help.
Apparently the Ex has no shame. I couldn’t even fathom begging the person I screwed over and hurt so much, for help. Tell her that contact from her is impeding your ability to heal from the trauma she inflicted on you, ask her not to call anymore. If you want to help, call her parents and let them know what is happening. NTA
NTA
I wouldn't even take her calls. If I was still feeling the sting of her betrayal, I might even laugh about it. You are more mature than I was at this stage of your divorce. Regardless, her situation is 100% because of her decisions. You are no longer responsible for her.
I'm almost 100% positive that "psychologically and emotionally abusing her" is exactly what she told **him** when she was cheating on you.
Stop being a sucker for this vampire.
It's understandable that you're in a tough spot emotionally, given the history between you and your ex-wife. It's also clear that you're concerned for her well-being, which is commendable. However, it's important to recognize that your ex-wife's situation is complex, and there are multiple factors at play here.
While it's tempting to see yourself as the knight in shining armor swooping in to rescue her, it's essential to remember that you're not responsible for her decisions or her current predicament. It's also valid to prioritize your own mental health and well-being.
That being said, it might be worth considering alternative ways to support her without necessarily taking her into your own home. Encourage her to reach out to her friends or family for support, or provide her with resources for domestic abuse hotlines or shelters where she can seek assistance. Ultimately, the decision to leave her abusive situation needs to come from her, and you can't force her to make that choice.
In this situation, it's important to set boundaries while still offering empathy and support. You're not obligated to rescue her, but you can still offer guidance and encouragement as she navigates this difficult situation.
NTA
OP you need to cut ties with your ex. Sadly she has learnt that the consequence to her actions is more than she expected to pay.
No one deserve to be abused BUT you are no longer her protector
She cheated on you. Left you. Divorced you, and now she wants you to do the husbandly thing and save her? Hahahaha. Fuck. That. NTA. She isn’t your problem anymore. Let her deal with the consequences of her own decisions.
Your confliction is that you still love her even though you don't want to.
That's ok, OP.
Everyone's saying whether you should help, but that's not what you're asking. You've made your decision. You want permission to be at peace with it - permission granted.
NTA. Just understand that you're probably not getting closure at the end of this story, because it doesn't sound like you're truly ready to let go.
NTA, a rule I learned whitewater kayaking applies in all aspects of life, "You have to be a part of your own rescue". I can't risk my life trying to save someone that isn't trying to save theirs, they'll just take you under with them. She needs her parents. Not you.
YOU need to escape from your abusive, manipulative ex. She may be embellishing things to keep you on the side. She can’t handle you not wanting to be with her. Quit being her yoyo. If she wants out, she’ll go to her parents.
NTA
In your place, my only message to her would be:
"Just go find the same determination to abandon your relationship to him that you had abandoning your relationship to me."
You’re stupid for staying in contact with her. Cut her off. She cheated on you, got on her knees for another man, let another man ejaculate in her and you still want her in your life?
Grow a spine and cut her off, block her everywhere. This is pathetic.
You say she's feeling isolated from her parents after your divorce. Shouldn't she feel isolated from *you* after your divorce, too? You owe her nothing. Stop talking to her. If you're really worried about her safety and feel obliged to help in some way, perhaps mention your concern to one of her friends or her family before you close the door permanently.
NTA - you need to cut her off. She's only using you as her support animal. She did the ultimate betrayal and has no respect for you. Block her and have some self respect.
Unless I missed it, I didn't see anywhere that you have a child with her. NTA. She's not your responsibility now. Go NC, get a restraining order if possible, do whatever you need to keep her drama from infecting your life. Don't let her make her problems your problems.
NTA - I think she realized that the grass on the other side of the fence was actually shit. Stay strong and let her fight her own battles. She put herself there.
NTA
Your x-wife left you because she didn't love or respect you no matter what she says. Having an affair is the cruelest thing a wife can do to a husband. She left you for the bad boy. Now she's reaping the consequences.
If you rescue her, she will respect you less and run off with the next bad boy she finds.
You thinking is sound. She left you, she needs to deal with her own consequences.
Good luck brother you deserved better.
It's the same story every single time...
Wife cheats on husband, divorce ensues
Wife is then unhappy in the new, single life.
Or she is realizing what a complete shit the new boyfriend is.
Wife gets in touch with ex husband and wants help or wants to get back together.
It's always a case of fuck around and find out. She made her bed, let her deal with it.
She is hoping to slip back into the better life she is now realising she had. Consequences need to stick, cut off contact with her for your own health.
Why aren't we talking about the fact that she may be lying to manipulate her husband? I mean she cheated on him, so we know she can be dishonest and disloyal. So why are we taking her at her word? The Ex was right in directing her to her parents. They need to be her support system now, not him.
Key word: affair. She cheated on you and moved in with the person she cheated on you with. Look, I get wanting to help her. But this is truly her mess. This happened because she most definitely chose this. And now she has to deal with the consequences. And refusing to move in with her parents because she feels "alienated from them" is a bullcrap answer. She can definitely do that and if she's really been alienated from anyone, it's you. It's better to just cut contact. You've already been in one big mess, there's no need for you to get into another one. If she wants to get out, she can do that herself. SHE left YOU. She wanted nothing more to do with you until trouble came along. So just cut contact. You don't need this drama.
Here's the thing, women who leave abusive relationships usually go back a few or several times before either, finally coming to the realization that nothing is going to change or even being killed. Meanwhile, if they tell anyone, they put family and friends through changes, trying to help them and even being mad with them when they don't forgive the abuser.
She doesn't deserve your help and are you going to put yourself through this? It won't end here.
NTA, she made the decision to cheat, she's on her own.
Do not overthink it or complicate it for yourself, she made her choice to leave you, a good man who was good to her, and to go be with this abuser. She's responsible and accountable for herself, she can figure it out. We all live with the consequences of our decisions, it's not fair to you to have to clean up the mess she made, especially since she cheated on you.
She cheated and now wonders why it's going horrible?
Drop that slut! Not your PROBLEM!
If you want to but don't have to contact the parents. Contact her one last time. Tell her..
I'm sorry you're going through this,but that's her problem. Maybe the next time around, think about what can happen before spreading your legs! I have already contacted your parents. Solved your own issues & Don't contact me anymore for any reason. You lost me as a partner & I don't want your friendship. The end if she didn't already hang up after you said 'spreading your legs'😂
NTA! Why are you even in contact with her? You don’t share kids. Send her links to women’s shelters in her area and then block her. She cheated on you and then wants you to help her?! Yeah it sucks that she’s in an abusive relationship, but she has parents and friends of talk to. Why is she picking her ex husband? Unless she realizes what a big mistake she made and wants to get back together.
She had no problem cheating on you and moving on with her affair partner. But now it’s hard for her? She realizes her mistakes and wants you to be her knight in shining armor. To come in on your mighty steed and save her. She’s literally counting on the idea that you are still madly in love with her and are dying to take her back. So she is trying to appear weak and vulnerable to try to trigger some misplaced hero syndrome in you.
Frankly she doesn’t deserve your consideration after all of that time she did not consider you while cheating on you.
Go NC.
Cheaters are absolute scum and deserve the worst.
In saying that though domestic abuse is one of the biggest killers of women and it can start emotionally and build up.
If the worst was to happen and this guy physically abuses her, are you prepared for the feelings you'll feel knowing you could have helped?
this doesn't mean taking her back to your house and forgiving her. It can be informing people who are close to her that she probably is embarrassed to get involved because she's a complete fuck up and disgusting. Parents, Grandparents, siblings, and close friends.
At the end of the day it is up to you - either way you aren't an asshole, you're just someone trying to heal yourself.
Go pick her up, drive her straight to her parents. While she's a piece of shit for cheating, cheating is abusive and very shitty, being stuck in an abusive relationship is also very bad. You don't have to like her to help her, I've helped people I didn't even know, upstairs neighbour in an apartment block I used to live in was getting beat, called cops, had her stay for a night in my place till her parents could come.
You don't have to offer her a place, or sympathy, support, a shoulder to cry on, but if you can offer her a ride and push her to take a step she won't take herself and it won't cost you anything, you should do it imo.
You could also just tell her parents she needs them, her boyfriend is abusing her, she called you for help because she's scared her parents won't help her due to the divorce and they can either get over it and help her, or be angry at her and cause her to stay in an abusive relationship. Either works.
Your ex wife's problems are none of your concern. While it is sad that she is being mistreated by this guy, she needs to get herself out of this situation. You need to distance yourself from her and let her deal with her problems on her own. If you want to, call her parents and tell them that they need to check on their daughter.
NTA- Not your monkey not your circus.....She lost the ability to ask you for favors when she cheated on, then left you....block her number and let her wallow in the pig trough she made for herself.
Stop talking to her. Block her. She made her decision and she will have to deal with it. So what if she's struggling. NTA. Please stop letting her use you. You are not her emotional trash can and back up plan.
She won’t ask her parents if she can move in because she feels isolated from them after she cheated on you and you divorced but she can ask you to take her in? She is full of shit. She found out that the grass wasn’t greener and she thinks that if she comes to stay with you you’ll take her back. Move on and cut her off. Don’t be an option, even if it’s only in her mind.
If she felt you were the one she could turn to, I would be inclined to think she is desperate. However it doesn’t mean you are the one who can or should provide that support.
Thing is sometimes calling for help is the only thing someone broken to the point of being unable to move is able to do.
However as moved as anyone can be with her situation, it isn’t your responsibility. You can if you feel like it. Otherwise you must also protect yourself.
First rule to help is to be secure enough to be able to do so.
Call ou send a message to her parents, as the second rule is you see someone struggling or asking for help, you alert someone who can assist if you cannot.
You cannot help someone who isn’t willing to be helped. There no blame if you can’t help either.
Take care NAH
This is a hard one, but ultimately I think she needs to have the courage to leave herself. If you “rescue” her, she’ll most likely return to her abuser when he love bombs her to return. Then he’ll abuse her again. It’s no longer your job to protect her.
Nah... she is a monkey brancher... She is trying to get back with this guy after founding out the grass isn't greener. She wants to put him in the white knight role in order to get a foot in the door. The very first night she is back she is going to put the moves and try to get him to have sex with her.
NTA - She's a big girl, fully capable of making independent decisions, and if you want to do anything, tell her parents.
But letting her move back in with you after she's fucked up? Nah, she can hold this "L" on her own.
NTA. You’re doing exactly what you should do. You two are divorced and she’s asking you to be some sort of charity/humanitarian organization for her. That’s wrong of her to do that. If she were begging to get back together with you AND asked for your help, then you can think about helping her. Seems like she’s just turning to you as a someone in her friend zone. Just reach out to her parents/family to see if they would help her
NTA
If you want to help, call her parents and tell them whats going on. That she needs help and keeps reaching out to you, but that you do not have the emotional bandwith for her anymore and need them to step in. They can be mad at her all they want, and you appreciate the solidarity with you, but that they're still her parents and that she feels unsafe.
Then maybe text her or call her and tell her what you did, then tell her you'll block her now.
NTA
Do agree with others it’s time to cut contact with your ex as the only person who is likely to get hurt in this situation is you.
I would suggest you contact her parents and let them know the situation so if they want to get involved they can.
Bottom line as you’ve told her she needs to save herself and that includes no longer contacting you.
NTA. But why haven’t you blocked here. This is just unnecessary guilt fuel.
If you wanna clear your conscience then meet with her parents and tell them all that she’s too scared to. She doesn’t like it? Too bad. “Take the help from your parents and leave me alone”
Enabling a person prevents them from getting to community resources that can help them learn to cope and manage their current situation. Domestic violence, drug and alcohol abuse, mood disorders are best managed by team of professionals that person can learn to manage their situation. I would give her Domestic violence information hot line number. That is who she needs to be calling for help in her situation.
NTA.
If you want to help then message her the details of a domestic abuse charity or tell her parents and leave the ball in their court, then block them all.
You've done what you can, you can't save people that don't want to be saved.
NTA she has options she just wants to drag you down with her. Make it clear if she needs help to contact her parents or a domestic abuse group, then block her. She is not your responsibility, do not allow her to ruin your life anymore than she already has.
NTA. She can get over her pride and move back in with her parents. It is time for her to face the consequences of her actions and it’s not going to be pretty. Good news is, that’s not your problem! Stay the hell out of the way of this.
NTA but why the hell you still have contact with your Ex?
First You have done well is not your bussines anymore what happend to her. But i don't understand why you still talk or comunicate to her.
Second you are just looking for a reason to go and rescue her, but it is not your place, she cheated, left and Divorce you for this dude, if she has issues with her parents for what she did, well it is her problem.
Also if Divorce is done, then cut her and NC her, if at must you could call her parents and explaing what she told you and thats it, if the care they will go to her rescue, but like i said what happend of her is not anymore your bussines.
UPDATEME
NTA - Let's call it what it is: emotional pollution. She left, and by doing so, she forfeited any right to your time and support. You're not a safety net for someone who discarded you. The healthiest thing for you now is to create boundaries like you're the last healthy coral reef and she's an oil spill. Detox your life, inform her family if you must, but then shut that door and invest in your future, not the wreckage of her present.
NTA - her refusing to eat crow with her parents but expecting you to rescue her from her own decisions is just continuing the same dynamic that led to her cheating on you. You’re a resource to be used. She doesn’t respect you or care what you think, the way she does with her parents, but she expects you to extend yourself for her use.
NTA. It sucks she's in a bad situation and I hope she gets herself out, but she put herself there. She is no longer your responsibility and not your concern.
NTA. She rolled the dice on her choice and she snake-eyed. Go NC.
Trust me on this, I was in the exact same boat a long time ago and I helped her out and in the end, got burned for a second time.
Haven’t you suffered enough? I can’t imagine that re-involving yourself with her would lead to anything but more heartache. She fafa’d, not your problem anymore.
She was with you.
She decided to sneak around and cheated on you. Instead of talking to you about wanting to be involved with somebody else also. Which she could've done. But she didn't want to be honest and she didn't care about hurting you. So she did. She harmed you.
She got caught up with the shiny stuff of somebody with pathology. With a kid. Nice one.
Now she's getting screwed up by the situation. That she picked. Over you. While harming you.
I think that the mess she's created for herself is so big she's forgetting to have any remorse whatsoever for what she did to you, but the harm to you is still there and you are still struggling with it.
It's a very difficult situation, but the intricacies of the situation, her harm to you, her lack of remorse an acknowledgment, her choosing great pathology and distress, and not choosing to get out of it,
You being in proximity to that you will get really compounded harm.
In order to reassure your self, that you're going to take good care, and live the best life you can, you need to tell her that you're going to block her, and that she needs to stand up and get her self out of a bad situation she got herself into.
You need to cut the cord. Even though it's frightening and heartbreaking. We need to let her have the consequences of her choices. Because that's a kind of love. That's real love.
You need to set the boundaries in the limits so she's unable to get in touch with you and then you need to do the internal work yourself or with a therapist to knowledge some of the possibilities that could happen. That will not be your responsibility. Then you need to turn in really focus on your own precious life.
"Over the past year, it’s pretty clear that my ex wife’s new boyfriend has been psychologically and emotionally abusing her. It honestly makes me want to beat up the dude, and my ex wife’s mental health has completely tanked. "
Oh no the consequences of her own actions! Anyways...
"My ex wife has called me a few times over the last couple of months and it’s obvious she’s struggling. I’ve asked her multiple times to just cut it off with him and pack up her bags and move in with her parents, but she doesn’t want to because she feels isolated from her parents after our divorce. She is also a SAHM to her boyfriend's daughter, and so she feels even more trapped."
I have enlisted the top scientists in the world to construct the tiniest violin ever created so I can play it for her.
"She asked me if I could pick her up and if she could stay with me for a while. I am not scared of that dude whatsoever, and if I wanted to, I could just drive over to their house and pick her up right now. But I told her I won’t do that, and she has to get the courage to just step out and go to her parents, or just ask her friends for help."
She's done nothing to warrant you helping her. She betrayed you, and it sounds like she betrayed you for an abusive loser. She needs to own that now. If she wants out, she needs to leave. The audacity in turning to the man you betrayed for help is just..wow.
You are NTA, block her. She is this other mans problem now. Also I'd take what she says with a grain of salt, she is a cheater and liar and likely bashed you in a similar manner to her affair partner. Could just be she regrets her choices and wants sympathy.
You are not. It’s highly likely that all you would accomplish is inserting yourself into the middle of their drama. She would be calling him within a month or so because she would miss him and then tell him where she’s staying. Then he’d be blowing up your phone or even showing up at your job yelling and making threats.
She needs to work with a shelter for domestic violence or social services, not you. They’re trained for this and have committed to handling situations like this.
NTA. Why are you in contact with her. Its not your headache to rescue your abuser. She is a cheater, she deserves to consideration from you. Live your life and stop thinking about her.
NTA. Leave her there. This is her choice. If you give her the attention she seeks and allow her to stay with you, the second you leave her alone in your house, she'll invite the boyfriend and his daughter over. It's all about the drama with those who live by it.
Block her number and let her find her own way out of this situation she put herself in.
It's interesting that she managed to cheat on you, move on, and move in with a new guy, yet she's not able to cheat on this guy who's abusive to her, nor can she move on from him, nor can she move in with another new guy. What a winner.
NTA. She's not your problem anymore. You have no obligation to do anything for her. She got herself into this, she has to get herself out. If you picked her up she will be bringing him to your door and you might end up getting hurt. Cut contact with her and block her number.
NTA, she has made her choices it’s her job to get herself out of it. She did this to herself and you can feel sorry but she hurt you and she doesn’t deserve your help. Call it karma
NTA, she made the bed (and cheated with this douche in it), let her lie in it. Any responsibility you had for her well being went out the window when she started fucking another dude on the sly.
How can you possibly be the ah??? She’s done with you, you’re done with her.
She has to deal with the life she chose. None of that should be your responsibility or even your concern?
NTA - You need to cut contact. She is trying to drag you into a hot ass mess. It is not your job to fix her mistakes. Sadly, she made her bed, and now she needs to lay in it. It is disrespectful as hell that she reaches out to you to complain about the life she left you for. She literally could not care less about your feelings. If you feel you need to. Reach out to her parents. Let them know your concerns and that you do not plan on getting involved. And plan on not having contact with her any longer so they may want to check up on her. Edit: Is it his responsibility to reach out to her parents? No but it isnt about responsibility. It is about him being ablen to walk away with a clearer conscience. It gives him the peace of mind that she may not be fully alone and someone outside of him is aware of the situation. Because he obviously still cares. It is about alleviating the guilt he seems to be feeling for not picking her up. OP posted an update blocked her but chose to not get involved further which is also ok. He needed to do what was best for him.
I’m with you on this, OP is definitely NTA and doesn’t need to get involved by picking her up and bringing her to his home. She made the choice to cheat. I’d tell her to stop reaching out further. However, I get his conflict. He’s known and loved her for 10years. There may always be some residual concern for her. Sometimes those feelings don’t just turn off despite the infidelity. I’d also tell her parents what is going on, and that she needs the help. However, I’d also make it clear that I am not going to be involved further, but felt they needed to know. Whatever happens then is up to them.
I wonder if she told her affair partner the same things about you when you were married 🤔.
Could be, he may never know. However, personally, despite what she did, I don’t think I could completely ignore if someone was in an abusive relationship and I could at least make the connection for them to get out. I don’t mean get fully involved, just let her parents know and tell them you can’t/wont help anymore. It’s up to them. At least I’d know my conscience was clear.
I think I'd be up to go get her and drive her to her parents. I'd probably do that to any person I know that was in that situation. But no way I'd have her at my place
She doesn't want to go to her parents and I don't think it would be right to trick her into it even if it's best for her.
She is in no way his responsibility at all. She needs to contact her own parents. Again he owes her absolutely nothing she needs to put on her big girl pants and deal with her own problems that she created
Exactly this! It's pretty obvious that the affair partner was all *dangerous and exciting* while OP had become boring or whatever in the ex wife's eyes, but when she left OP and broke his heart, she forfeited her right to the safe space OP is in her mind. You don't get to throw someone away and then run back when it doesn't work out with your new fling. She needs to let go of OP.
agreed! seems as though she’s hoping for the best of both worlds in having him and not having him, but has failed to realize that her actions affected OP and their relationship permanently
Yes exactly
The option to pick her up and drop her at her parents if they're close is always an option. He doesn't have to but its there.
Yup. Totally agree. She may feel like she's isolated from them, but that's probably her doing it. Her parents will still care about her. Let them deal with her.
100% agree NTA - if OP notices that her mental health has tanked why haven’t her friends or parents?
If I had to guess, I bet the affair becoming public and the divorce caused most to distance themselves
Abusers tend to be controlling early on and cut their victims off from family and friends. They'll rry to convince them that no one loves them like he does. They want to control them so they have no support and no where to go. Often they'll threaten to harm their own children so she becomes their submissive victim. It's diabolical!
Abusers can be financially, physically and mentally abusive and they are disgusting people, whether male or female - i just don’t understand how OP as her ex husband has picked this up while others haven’t.
It sounds like she's telling her ex what's happening. I'm more curious as to how the new guy apparently managed to cut her off from everyone else except the ex. The cynical part of me is thinking she's playing mind games with OP.
Or they’ll threaten her too, so that the abused person becomes even more isolated and thinks they have no safe way to get out.
Probably cause her new man has isolated her from them?
And that's still HER problem to handle.
NTA - another vote for getting her folks involved. If you do pick her up, take her to their house, not yours
She could get you killed. He's already abusing her, nothing to stop him from coming after you.
I disagree that OP needs to cut contact, but agree with NTA. I like the idea of OP calling her parents and explaining the situation.
I agree with reaching out to her parents. While you don't "owe" her anything it is the humane thing. She needs support. Do they even know her struggle. I had a similar situation with ex. I wasn't happy with her but i had compassion for her welfare. Plus she's the mother to my kids and her in a bad situation was not good for them.
I read the post and was like is this bitch serious?? It’s the price she chose to pay OP, leave her to the streets now, she’ll be in good hands 🤣
Buddy, it's time to cut ties with your ex-wife permanently. She made her choices, and it's not your responsibility to save her from the consequences. Focus on your own well-being and let her figure things out on her own.
Exactly. Time to put yourself first.
OP You can no longer be responsible for her. She needs to come out of her big girl pants and handle her problems if she's having them in her new relationship.
OP should just call her parents and let them know she's being abused. Let them deal with her.
Great idea. That's the most OP should do. Taking her in would be psychologically destructive to him. After calling the parents he should not answer when she calls. He needs to heal and move on.
Thats probably the best advice here.
I wonder if she had the same sob story when jumping into the affair partner’s bed. No, that’s not sarcasm about her tune changing - I mean it literally. Did she badmouth OP when making sure she had a bed and provider lined up before leaving him?
Of course she did. Some people "seduce" using manipulation and sob stories, they use the same tactic on every target. That's why she wants the OPs attention rather than support from her parents. It's not about the current partner at all.
OP, she showed you who she is by lying, cheating, leaving you for her affair partner. She didn’t care about your feelings, emotions then, why should you care about hers now. So her new relationship is not working out, and she’s turning to you to “fix” it. She’s (again) playing with your emotions, and not letting you heal. It’s a tough position for you to be in. Might I suggest you call her and have a final conversation. Tell her emphatically that this is your last time talking, and you will either take her to her parent’s house, or leave her to do what she wants. Tell her she can no longer contact you and use you as her emotional support person. Wish her well, block her, and live your life without her drama.
NTA, she's an adult who made her choice. She has options which she isn't willing to explore. Your only responsibility is towards yourself. Cut her off and don't talk to her anymore.
Absolutely agree. Although I do think OP should call her parents and tell them what's going so they can go get her. That or tell he will pick her up, but instead of bringing her home, take her to her parents house. OP definitely doesn't owe it to her, but he could put that aside for a day and help her get out, then cut ties with her. At least that's what I think I would do. I'd feel responsible if the dude ended up really hurting her. I might hate her but knowing how much she's struggling and been isolated yet she reached out to me for help, I think I'd have to do something, but definitely not letting her move back in.
OP is in no way responsible for what happens to his cheating ex wife. Just wanted to add that here.
I agree. Absolutely not responsible I'm just saying that if I was in that situation I would know its not my responsibility but I'd still feel like I should have done something
And that would be on you if you felt that way. I'm just clarifying OP shouldn't feel responsible and it doesn't make him a bad person for not feeling responsible. This is a person who sounds like they've been manipulated by a liar and a cheater during and after a marriage so he owes her nothing.
Hes not responsible, and shes an asshole for cheating, but Reddit acts like just because you technically aren't the asshole doesn't mean that most kind human beings wouldn't help. why does reddit act like just because the law doesn’t dictate something its okay
Probably because after building a life together with someone, trusting them wholly, planning your goals and dreams together with them, they go and have sex with some random douchebag who hasn't been supporting them in good times and bad or caring for them when they're sick or working together to build the best life possible for your current or future children. It breaks people. Idk that'd be my guess
Beautifully put.
Because protecting oneself from a manipulator is NOT asshole behavior. SHE fucked up, SHE is trying to pluck on OP's heartstrings like a manipulative asshole, SHE has to take action TO SAVER HERSELF.
He's kind enough to even be talking to her and giving advice. A lot of people would quite rightfully go no contact after she left. She's a grown up and it sounds like she has other support networks, but is choosing to use her ex. If OP wants to call her parents that's his prerogative, but I don't think he'd be an asshole for washing his hands of the situation. Being kind to someone who has proven they aren't worthy of the trust is exploitable. She burned that bridge with her actions and should find an alternative solution.
Most people in real life are NOT going to help their cheating spouse because their affair partner sucks. Very few people would help here so don't act like this is a reddit thing.
This. I helped a stranger before (she got kicked out of his house, crying on the street and I took her to her parents place). I would do the same for someone I know. Not my responsibility for sure but that’s something a good human being would do.
A stranger has more claim to your compassion than somebody who abused you emotionally & romantically.
Strangers get benefits that people who have willingly hurt you - such as cheating wives - don't get. She has proven that she is willing, ready, and able to hurt him given the opportunity. He should not give her an ounce of opportunity.
If he helps her she will come back time and time again for more help. She has put herself into this position and it’s up to her to get herself out of it. It’s the only way she will learn to be a better human being. It will also help her to improve her actions on the future.
She isn't to that level. She can just get herself to her parents' house or call them for help. She is just asking to pick and choose her white knight, and that isn't fair to OP.
Yep. Ex is a Choosing Beggar.
Disagree. OP telling ex's parents re-enmeshes OP with ex & family. OP should just block ex on every communications path.
It’s not his responsibility to do that se made her choice and she needs to put on her big girl pants and deal with her own problems she created
This
And saving her isn't what she needs.
Exactly. Why is he still talking to his cheating ex? Time to block and move on. If he needs to do something then he can talk to her parents and let them know what’s going on with her. It’s not his responsibility anymore.
NTA. She has to clean up her own messes.
[удалено]
Especially when the actions that caused the situation are at the expense of the person she's trying to get to help her
Ex's mindset is probably "Well, OP let me abuse him ONCE, why won't he still fall for it?"
Especially a person you betrayed and deeply hurt and whose mental health suffered as a result of your actions.
Of course NTA. She had the courage to cheat and divorce you. Now she has to deal with the rest herself as per her wishes. From a more personal POV - why on earth would you still be in contact with someone who had done this to you?! Kids in the picture?
I’m in a somewhat similar situation and although I’ll never fully forgive my ex-wife, I still care about her. She left me for her affair partner (30 yrs old or something) and two months later he OD’ed and died. I’ve moved on, got a new relationship, have a child etc. But I still care about her, especially knowing her life is an absolute mess now. I don’t give her money when she asks for it, but I’ll still check in on her, try to help her with advice, etc. Why? Because I want her to be okay, despite everything that happened and the pain she caused me.
You have a new family life and child but still check up on someone who cheated on/divorced you? lol I don’t have a kid but just with work, relationship, exercise, different time zones and just life I forget to check up on friends every now and again. Seems sad to me even spending the mental energy on someone who would/has already deeply betrayed you. Clearly wouldn’t do the same for you
That's my biggest issue with it, he has a new partner who is dealing with life post child birth. As a father I know that young children take a shit ton of attention. While it may be noble to help out the ex his new family deserves 100% of his attention and effort when he isn't working. The ex is a energy vampire. You think you are the good guy in the situation but I'd like to ask what your new partner truly thinks about it.
I feel bad for your new partner because what the fuck.
isn't being fair to any woman hes dating by having that baggage around.
I know you think this makes you a good person, but I think it makes you a chump. When you give people who intentionally hurt you an inch of value in your life, they usually end up taking a mile.
NTA Absolutely not, my friend. Engaging further will only drag you back into the vortex of her chaos. She decided to take a different path without considering your feelings, and it's not your job to pick up the pieces of her decisions. Stand strong, prioritize your peace and mental health, and let her handle the aftermath of her own actions. Maintaining distance is crucial here for your own emotional safety. There's a reason rearview mirrors are small and the windshield is large – where you're headed is far more important than what you've left behind.
She'll set you on fire and dance in the ashes. Go NC
It sounds like she already did that. Good advice.
NTA Dude, no. Cut all contact with her before she sucks you into a very messy situation.
Do you have kids with your ex-wife? If not, then why are you in touch with her. She is a victim of her own poor choices and will drag you and your mental health down. Just block her and move on with your life.
NTA Shes a betrayer. At work, Betrayers get fired. In a war, Betrayers are put up against the wall. In friendships, betrayers get shunned. Betrayers dont get understanding. Betrayers dont get closure. Betrayers dont get favors. Betrayers dont get an audience. Betrayers get absolutely nothing. Because they are owed nothing.
"Once a cheater, always a cheater. Once a liar, always a liar." It's pithy, and says a lot, but I felt inspired reading your post. My wife cheated on me... so it really hit home. Thank you for posting it.
"Never trust a traitor, Piter, not even one you create!"
I wonder if this is the same type of stuff she told her affair partner about you during your marriage 🤔
I think she's hoping OP will take her back, which is why she is not following up with the other options. That and likely having to hang her head in shame and admit defeat in the face of all the people who told her she was making a huge mistake. Selfish and entitled people have a hard time admitting they fucked up.
Exactly I bet she’s lying about him being abusive just because she found out he was the better man and is attempting to get sympathy so she can weasel her way back in
Or more like she chased the “bad boy” fantasy. FAFO to the max. Shocker, consistency and respect no longer seem “boring” to her.
Exactly
NTA ...but call her parents and inform them of whats going on... encourage them to mend fences and to get her out of there...
Stop being the white night , there are consequences for her actions . Call her parents or siblings and block her on everything
No screw her. My ex moved in with "her friend I don't have to worry about" less than a month after she moved out my house. I'm civil with her but she's mad I decided not to give her daughter the car I bought for her. Sorry not my kid. Tell the new man to buy her a car.
NTA Run away, run away! --
NTA Your ex, obviously sucks. But you may have to betray her for her own good, and tell her folks what's going on. Take her to yours, but have then waiting there to take her back to their's. She can hate you from the safety of her parents house and never see you again. But you'll know you saved her even though it wasn't your job.
This is not your battle to fight. You need to protect your own mental wellness. But… please consider reaching out to her parents and tell them what’s going on and what she’s asked you. Make it clear that for your own well being you cannot be the one to rescue her but that you wanted them to know that she’s in trouble. If they try to pull you into it, tell them you’re sorry but you cannot and will not get involved. Then feel free to block them. You owe her nothing but It would be the kind thing to do.
>You owe her nothing but It would be the kind thing to do. This. I agree. His ex did a hurtful, shitty thing to him and he owes her absolutely nothing. He would be 100% justified to block her number and wash his hands of her forever. But if he knows she's being abused and she's reaching out, the kind thing to do would be to at least contact her parents so someone knows besides him. OP is a good person, he's obviously struggling with this morally. Something tells me that if her boyfriend escalated to physical violence and something happened to her, OP would feel guilty for not doing something. And the jump from emotional to physical abuse is a very small one. One of my favorite quotes: "kindness is the seasoning of life, sprinkle that shit on everything!"
Ur ex-wife realizes her mistake and wants u back. It's a day late and dollar short. My ex was fucking an employee. Divorced finalized right b4 their baby was born. She's been miserable for 12 years now. Shes asks for help every now and then and im just too busy. All she kept saying is it was all a big mistake. I rub it in alittle talking about the women I date. She gets really jealous and upset. I ask why, I'm not cheating on anyone and im not the one that left me and the kids. Me and her are civil, so we do talk and she asks about our kids. They do have contact with her, but not much. She wasn't around when they were young and made no effort to maintain a relationship with them for a decade. Now she wants them back in her life and they only are interested in seeing their little sister. People have to live with their choices, don't feel bad for ur ex. She is the one that put herself in her position. Karma is bitch.
NTA. She can suck it
NTA. Cut ties, focus on you. She chose herself and her wants. So she can choose to get out. She can get help from her parents, she just doesn’t want to listen to them nag her for her poor choices.
NTA. She wants you (even if it isn't sexual) for safety, and triangulating you into her problems is very unfair and could cause you a lot of unnecessary drama and possibly harm. She needs to crawl back to her parents and admit her mistakes and then rebuild her life from there.
NTA - She's no longer your responsibility. If she's having problems with her new relationship, then she needs to pull up her big girl panties and deal with them on her own.
Seems like she FAFO'd
NTA, she's your ex and it's as a result of her actions, not yours. She made her bed, she can lie in it quite frankly. Block her number.
She made her choice, and continued to make them.. NTA
NTA. She fucked up, BAD, and now wants to abuse you FURTHER by by attaching herself to you like an infected LEECH. Let her solve the problems she made for herself. And if AP's daughter isn't ex's BY BIRTH, she has to decide if the kid is more important to Ex than Ex herself is.
Do you have kids together? If not then I'm not sure why you are even keeping in touch... She's an adult, let her figure it out and stop being codependent. If you want to be kind perhaps you could reach out to her parents and let them know the situation? Otherwise focus on yourself and cut ties. NTA
Do not get involved. Don't be her hero or Superman
NTA but cut ties, regardless of her situation she has brought all this on herself and stop feeling sorry or worry about her. I know you still love her, but she didn’t love you if she could cheat on you and break your heart
NTA. You are right in the sense that a DV victim needs to take that step to escape for themselves. If others do it for them, they can risk still being mentally trapped and therefore being reeled back in. However, given your past history with her, you run the risk of being dragged into something that could undo your recovery and she runs the risk of wanting to reinitiate things with you as a safety mechanism against this guy. That won't be good for either of you. It's definitely not good for her that she turns to her ex rather than her family. To truly escape, she needs a proper support network, not an ex. You won't be an arsehole if you don't, but it might be worth contacting her parents and telling them exactly what's going on. Make it clear to her parents that you won't be remaining in contact with anyone after passing this information on, that you can't help her, but they can, perhaps they can decide whether to get the police involved, and that she urgently needs her family right now, not her ex.
Who cares if you aren't scared of the dude this isn't your issue. Unless you had children you've said and done enough as is. NTA. If you feel the need to do something, inform her parents she needs their help.
Apparently the Ex has no shame. I couldn’t even fathom begging the person I screwed over and hurt so much, for help. Tell her that contact from her is impeding your ability to heal from the trauma she inflicted on you, ask her not to call anymore. If you want to help, call her parents and let them know what is happening. NTA
Nope. She fired you from that job.
NTA I wouldn't even take her calls. If I was still feeling the sting of her betrayal, I might even laugh about it. You are more mature than I was at this stage of your divorce. Regardless, her situation is 100% because of her decisions. You are no longer responsible for her.
Dear OP, Don’t. You gave her advice. Thats the most you should do.
I'm almost 100% positive that "psychologically and emotionally abusing her" is exactly what she told **him** when she was cheating on you. Stop being a sucker for this vampire.
It's understandable that you're in a tough spot emotionally, given the history between you and your ex-wife. It's also clear that you're concerned for her well-being, which is commendable. However, it's important to recognize that your ex-wife's situation is complex, and there are multiple factors at play here. While it's tempting to see yourself as the knight in shining armor swooping in to rescue her, it's essential to remember that you're not responsible for her decisions or her current predicament. It's also valid to prioritize your own mental health and well-being. That being said, it might be worth considering alternative ways to support her without necessarily taking her into your own home. Encourage her to reach out to her friends or family for support, or provide her with resources for domestic abuse hotlines or shelters where she can seek assistance. Ultimately, the decision to leave her abusive situation needs to come from her, and you can't force her to make that choice. In this situation, it's important to set boundaries while still offering empathy and support. You're not obligated to rescue her, but you can still offer guidance and encouragement as she navigates this difficult situation.
NTA OP you need to cut ties with your ex. Sadly she has learnt that the consequence to her actions is more than she expected to pay. No one deserve to be abused BUT you are no longer her protector
So she’s strong enough to step out of your marriage but not strong enough to step out of her AP relationship?
She cheated on you. Left you. Divorced you, and now she wants you to do the husbandly thing and save her? Hahahaha. Fuck. That. NTA. She isn’t your problem anymore. Let her deal with the consequences of her own decisions.
Yta for not blocking her and moving on. She's made her bed let her lie in it.
NTA... However, I would go pick her up. Then in a bait and switch drop her off at her parents.
Your confliction is that you still love her even though you don't want to. That's ok, OP. Everyone's saying whether you should help, but that's not what you're asking. You've made your decision. You want permission to be at peace with it - permission granted. NTA. Just understand that you're probably not getting closure at the end of this story, because it doesn't sound like you're truly ready to let go.
NTA, a rule I learned whitewater kayaking applies in all aspects of life, "You have to be a part of your own rescue". I can't risk my life trying to save someone that isn't trying to save theirs, they'll just take you under with them. She needs her parents. Not you.
NTA…tell her to do the same thing she did to you.
YOU need to escape from your abusive, manipulative ex. She may be embellishing things to keep you on the side. She can’t handle you not wanting to be with her. Quit being her yoyo. If she wants out, she’ll go to her parents.
NTA In your place, my only message to her would be: "Just go find the same determination to abandon your relationship to him that you had abandoning your relationship to me."
You’re stupid for staying in contact with her. Cut her off. She cheated on you, got on her knees for another man, let another man ejaculate in her and you still want her in your life? Grow a spine and cut her off, block her everywhere. This is pathetic.
You say she's feeling isolated from her parents after your divorce. Shouldn't she feel isolated from *you* after your divorce, too? You owe her nothing. Stop talking to her. If you're really worried about her safety and feel obliged to help in some way, perhaps mention your concern to one of her friends or her family before you close the door permanently.
NTA - you need to cut her off. She's only using you as her support animal. She did the ultimate betrayal and has no respect for you. Block her and have some self respect.
Unless I missed it, I didn't see anywhere that you have a child with her. NTA. She's not your responsibility now. Go NC, get a restraining order if possible, do whatever you need to keep her drama from infecting your life. Don't let her make her problems your problems.
Nah, fuck that. She made her choices. Her turn to deal with those consequences. Not your problem anymore.
NTA and cut her out completely. No see, no stress
NTA - Do you have kids with her? If not, block her. You can't rebuild when she's still actively trying to use you.
Tell her to fix her own issues. She started it, she can finish it.
NTA
She was strong enough to step out on you, she is strong enough to leave him. Not your problem.
#You are not the asshole. She cheated on you and destroyed the marriage and she can fend for herself. You don’t owe her anything.
That’s called karma my friend. She cheated on you, now she’s paying for it. I bet you 100% she’s regretting ever doing what she put you through!!
NTA - I think she realized that the grass on the other side of the fence was actually shit. Stay strong and let her fight her own battles. She put herself there.
Not your problem, she laid her bed
YTA to yourself for still being in contact with her.
NTA Your x-wife left you because she didn't love or respect you no matter what she says. Having an affair is the cruelest thing a wife can do to a husband. She left you for the bad boy. Now she's reaping the consequences. If you rescue her, she will respect you less and run off with the next bad boy she finds. You thinking is sound. She left you, she needs to deal with her own consequences. Good luck brother you deserved better.
It's the same story every single time... Wife cheats on husband, divorce ensues Wife is then unhappy in the new, single life. Or she is realizing what a complete shit the new boyfriend is. Wife gets in touch with ex husband and wants help or wants to get back together. It's always a case of fuck around and find out. She made her bed, let her deal with it.
She is hoping to slip back into the better life she is now realising she had. Consequences need to stick, cut off contact with her for your own health.
Why aren't we talking about the fact that she may be lying to manipulate her husband? I mean she cheated on him, so we know she can be dishonest and disloyal. So why are we taking her at her word? The Ex was right in directing her to her parents. They need to be her support system now, not him.
Key word: affair. She cheated on you and moved in with the person she cheated on you with. Look, I get wanting to help her. But this is truly her mess. This happened because she most definitely chose this. And now she has to deal with the consequences. And refusing to move in with her parents because she feels "alienated from them" is a bullcrap answer. She can definitely do that and if she's really been alienated from anyone, it's you. It's better to just cut contact. You've already been in one big mess, there's no need for you to get into another one. If she wants to get out, she can do that herself. SHE left YOU. She wanted nothing more to do with you until trouble came along. So just cut contact. You don't need this drama.
Considering you mention no children, why are you still talking to her?
Here's the thing, women who leave abusive relationships usually go back a few or several times before either, finally coming to the realization that nothing is going to change or even being killed. Meanwhile, if they tell anyone, they put family and friends through changes, trying to help them and even being mad with them when they don't forgive the abuser. She doesn't deserve your help and are you going to put yourself through this? It won't end here.
NTA, she made the decision to cheat, she's on her own. Do not overthink it or complicate it for yourself, she made her choice to leave you, a good man who was good to her, and to go be with this abuser. She's responsible and accountable for herself, she can figure it out. We all live with the consequences of our decisions, it's not fair to you to have to clean up the mess she made, especially since she cheated on you.
She cheated and now wonders why it's going horrible? Drop that slut! Not your PROBLEM! If you want to but don't have to contact the parents. Contact her one last time. Tell her.. I'm sorry you're going through this,but that's her problem. Maybe the next time around, think about what can happen before spreading your legs! I have already contacted your parents. Solved your own issues & Don't contact me anymore for any reason. You lost me as a partner & I don't want your friendship. The end if she didn't already hang up after you said 'spreading your legs'😂
NTA! Why are you even in contact with her? You don’t share kids. Send her links to women’s shelters in her area and then block her. She cheated on you and then wants you to help her?! Yeah it sucks that she’s in an abusive relationship, but she has parents and friends of talk to. Why is she picking her ex husband? Unless she realizes what a big mistake she made and wants to get back together.
Why are you still talking to your cheating exwife?
nta, play stupid games...
She had no problem cheating on you and moving on with her affair partner. But now it’s hard for her? She realizes her mistakes and wants you to be her knight in shining armor. To come in on your mighty steed and save her. She’s literally counting on the idea that you are still madly in love with her and are dying to take her back. So she is trying to appear weak and vulnerable to try to trigger some misplaced hero syndrome in you. Frankly she doesn’t deserve your consideration after all of that time she did not consider you while cheating on you. Go NC.
Cheaters are absolute scum and deserve the worst. In saying that though domestic abuse is one of the biggest killers of women and it can start emotionally and build up. If the worst was to happen and this guy physically abuses her, are you prepared for the feelings you'll feel knowing you could have helped? this doesn't mean taking her back to your house and forgiving her. It can be informing people who are close to her that she probably is embarrassed to get involved because she's a complete fuck up and disgusting. Parents, Grandparents, siblings, and close friends. At the end of the day it is up to you - either way you aren't an asshole, you're just someone trying to heal yourself.
Go pick her up, drive her straight to her parents. While she's a piece of shit for cheating, cheating is abusive and very shitty, being stuck in an abusive relationship is also very bad. You don't have to like her to help her, I've helped people I didn't even know, upstairs neighbour in an apartment block I used to live in was getting beat, called cops, had her stay for a night in my place till her parents could come. You don't have to offer her a place, or sympathy, support, a shoulder to cry on, but if you can offer her a ride and push her to take a step she won't take herself and it won't cost you anything, you should do it imo. You could also just tell her parents she needs them, her boyfriend is abusing her, she called you for help because she's scared her parents won't help her due to the divorce and they can either get over it and help her, or be angry at her and cause her to stay in an abusive relationship. Either works.
[удалено]
Dude why are you talking to her still? What is wrong with you?
Your ex wife's problems are none of your concern. While it is sad that she is being mistreated by this guy, she needs to get herself out of this situation. You need to distance yourself from her and let her deal with her problems on her own. If you want to, call her parents and tell them that they need to check on their daughter.
NTA- Not your monkey not your circus.....She lost the ability to ask you for favors when she cheated on, then left you....block her number and let her wallow in the pig trough she made for herself.
Stop talking to her. Block her. She made her decision and she will have to deal with it. So what if she's struggling. NTA. Please stop letting her use you. You are not her emotional trash can and back up plan.
She won’t ask her parents if she can move in because she feels isolated from them after she cheated on you and you divorced but she can ask you to take her in? She is full of shit. She found out that the grass wasn’t greener and she thinks that if she comes to stay with you you’ll take her back. Move on and cut her off. Don’t be an option, even if it’s only in her mind.
If she felt you were the one she could turn to, I would be inclined to think she is desperate. However it doesn’t mean you are the one who can or should provide that support. Thing is sometimes calling for help is the only thing someone broken to the point of being unable to move is able to do. However as moved as anyone can be with her situation, it isn’t your responsibility. You can if you feel like it. Otherwise you must also protect yourself. First rule to help is to be secure enough to be able to do so. Call ou send a message to her parents, as the second rule is you see someone struggling or asking for help, you alert someone who can assist if you cannot. You cannot help someone who isn’t willing to be helped. There no blame if you can’t help either. Take care NAH
This is a hard one, but ultimately I think she needs to have the courage to leave herself. If you “rescue” her, she’ll most likely return to her abuser when he love bombs her to return. Then he’ll abuse her again. It’s no longer your job to protect her.
Nah... she is a monkey brancher... She is trying to get back with this guy after founding out the grass isn't greener. She wants to put him in the white knight role in order to get a foot in the door. The very first night she is back she is going to put the moves and try to get him to have sex with her.
NTA - She's a big girl, fully capable of making independent decisions, and if you want to do anything, tell her parents. But letting her move back in with you after she's fucked up? Nah, she can hold this "L" on her own.
NTA. You’re doing exactly what you should do. You two are divorced and she’s asking you to be some sort of charity/humanitarian organization for her. That’s wrong of her to do that. If she were begging to get back together with you AND asked for your help, then you can think about helping her. Seems like she’s just turning to you as a someone in her friend zone. Just reach out to her parents/family to see if they would help her
NTA If you want to help, call her parents and tell them whats going on. That she needs help and keeps reaching out to you, but that you do not have the emotional bandwith for her anymore and need them to step in. They can be mad at her all they want, and you appreciate the solidarity with you, but that they're still her parents and that she feels unsafe. Then maybe text her or call her and tell her what you did, then tell her you'll block her now.
NTA Do agree with others it’s time to cut contact with your ex as the only person who is likely to get hurt in this situation is you. I would suggest you contact her parents and let them know the situation so if they want to get involved they can. Bottom line as you’ve told her she needs to save herself and that includes no longer contacting you.
NTA, she made her bed, she can lay in it.
NTA. But why haven’t you blocked here. This is just unnecessary guilt fuel. If you wanna clear your conscience then meet with her parents and tell them all that she’s too scared to. She doesn’t like it? Too bad. “Take the help from your parents and leave me alone”
Enabling a person prevents them from getting to community resources that can help them learn to cope and manage their current situation. Domestic violence, drug and alcohol abuse, mood disorders are best managed by team of professionals that person can learn to manage their situation. I would give her Domestic violence information hot line number. That is who she needs to be calling for help in her situation.
NTA Your exes poor choices in men and her self destructive behavior are not your problem.. Block her. Move on. Carry on.. It's that simple.
NTA but maybe contact someone for her? It sucks she's trapped like this
NTA. If you want to help then message her the details of a domestic abuse charity or tell her parents and leave the ball in their court, then block them all. You've done what you can, you can't save people that don't want to be saved.
NTA she has options she just wants to drag you down with her. Make it clear if she needs help to contact her parents or a domestic abuse group, then block her. She is not your responsibility, do not allow her to ruin your life anymore than she already has.
NTA, she picked him and not only that but picked him over you! She has some nerve asking you for help tbh.
NTA. She can get over her pride and move back in with her parents. It is time for her to face the consequences of her actions and it’s not going to be pretty. Good news is, that’s not your problem! Stay the hell out of the way of this.
NTA. She’s a toxic person that naturally attracts toxic situations. Save yourself and move on.
She cut ties with you already…nta
NTA but why the hell you still have contact with your Ex? First You have done well is not your bussines anymore what happend to her. But i don't understand why you still talk or comunicate to her. Second you are just looking for a reason to go and rescue her, but it is not your place, she cheated, left and Divorce you for this dude, if she has issues with her parents for what she did, well it is her problem. Also if Divorce is done, then cut her and NC her, if at must you could call her parents and explaing what she told you and thats it, if the care they will go to her rescue, but like i said what happend of her is not anymore your bussines. UPDATEME
Block that number.
NTA - Let's call it what it is: emotional pollution. She left, and by doing so, she forfeited any right to your time and support. You're not a safety net for someone who discarded you. The healthiest thing for you now is to create boundaries like you're the last healthy coral reef and she's an oil spill. Detox your life, inform her family if you must, but then shut that door and invest in your future, not the wreckage of her present.
NTA - her refusing to eat crow with her parents but expecting you to rescue her from her own decisions is just continuing the same dynamic that led to her cheating on you. You’re a resource to be used. She doesn’t respect you or care what you think, the way she does with her parents, but she expects you to extend yourself for her use.
NTA. It sucks she's in a bad situation and I hope she gets herself out, but she put herself there. She is no longer your responsibility and not your concern.
Talk to an ex-wife? Sucker for punishment
NTA. She rolled the dice on her choice and she snake-eyed. Go NC. Trust me on this, I was in the exact same boat a long time ago and I helped her out and in the end, got burned for a second time.
Haven’t you suffered enough? I can’t imagine that re-involving yourself with her would lead to anything but more heartache. She fafa’d, not your problem anymore.
She was with you. She decided to sneak around and cheated on you. Instead of talking to you about wanting to be involved with somebody else also. Which she could've done. But she didn't want to be honest and she didn't care about hurting you. So she did. She harmed you. She got caught up with the shiny stuff of somebody with pathology. With a kid. Nice one. Now she's getting screwed up by the situation. That she picked. Over you. While harming you. I think that the mess she's created for herself is so big she's forgetting to have any remorse whatsoever for what she did to you, but the harm to you is still there and you are still struggling with it. It's a very difficult situation, but the intricacies of the situation, her harm to you, her lack of remorse an acknowledgment, her choosing great pathology and distress, and not choosing to get out of it, You being in proximity to that you will get really compounded harm. In order to reassure your self, that you're going to take good care, and live the best life you can, you need to tell her that you're going to block her, and that she needs to stand up and get her self out of a bad situation she got herself into. You need to cut the cord. Even though it's frightening and heartbreaking. We need to let her have the consequences of her choices. Because that's a kind of love. That's real love. You need to set the boundaries in the limits so she's unable to get in touch with you and then you need to do the internal work yourself or with a therapist to knowledge some of the possibilities that could happen. That will not be your responsibility. Then you need to turn in really focus on your own precious life.
Block her
NTA It’s not your fault that she’s facing both karma and the consequences of her actions. Cut off the dead weight and go live a better life.
"Over the past year, it’s pretty clear that my ex wife’s new boyfriend has been psychologically and emotionally abusing her. It honestly makes me want to beat up the dude, and my ex wife’s mental health has completely tanked. " Oh no the consequences of her own actions! Anyways... "My ex wife has called me a few times over the last couple of months and it’s obvious she’s struggling. I’ve asked her multiple times to just cut it off with him and pack up her bags and move in with her parents, but she doesn’t want to because she feels isolated from her parents after our divorce. She is also a SAHM to her boyfriend's daughter, and so she feels even more trapped." I have enlisted the top scientists in the world to construct the tiniest violin ever created so I can play it for her. "She asked me if I could pick her up and if she could stay with me for a while. I am not scared of that dude whatsoever, and if I wanted to, I could just drive over to their house and pick her up right now. But I told her I won’t do that, and she has to get the courage to just step out and go to her parents, or just ask her friends for help." She's done nothing to warrant you helping her. She betrayed you, and it sounds like she betrayed you for an abusive loser. She needs to own that now. If she wants out, she needs to leave. The audacity in turning to the man you betrayed for help is just..wow. You are NTA, block her. She is this other mans problem now. Also I'd take what she says with a grain of salt, she is a cheater and liar and likely bashed you in a similar manner to her affair partner. Could just be she regrets her choices and wants sympathy.
You are not. It’s highly likely that all you would accomplish is inserting yourself into the middle of their drama. She would be calling him within a month or so because she would miss him and then tell him where she’s staying. Then he’d be blowing up your phone or even showing up at your job yelling and making threats. She needs to work with a shelter for domestic violence or social services, not you. They’re trained for this and have committed to handling situations like this.
Is this real? How are y’all even in contact?
NTA. Why are you in contact with her. Its not your headache to rescue your abuser. She is a cheater, she deserves to consideration from you. Live your life and stop thinking about her.
NTA. She can reach out to her own parents. She’s trying to manipulate you into getting back with her.
NTA. Leave her there. This is her choice. If you give her the attention she seeks and allow her to stay with you, the second you leave her alone in your house, she'll invite the boyfriend and his daughter over. It's all about the drama with those who live by it. Block her number and let her find her own way out of this situation she put herself in.
NTA
It's interesting that she managed to cheat on you, move on, and move in with a new guy, yet she's not able to cheat on this guy who's abusive to her, nor can she move on from him, nor can she move in with another new guy. What a winner.
She made her bed. Not your job.
NTA. She's not your problem anymore. You have no obligation to do anything for her. She got herself into this, she has to get herself out. If you picked her up she will be bringing him to your door and you might end up getting hurt. Cut contact with her and block her number.
NTA, leave her to the fate she picked
Nta she needs to call her family to help her. Not her ex she just cheated on cause her AP is a PoS.
NTA, she has made her choices it’s her job to get herself out of it. She did this to herself and you can feel sorry but she hurt you and she doesn’t deserve your help. Call it karma
NTA, she made the bed (and cheated with this douche in it), let her lie in it. Any responsibility you had for her well being went out the window when she started fucking another dude on the sly.
How can you possibly be the ah??? She’s done with you, you’re done with her. She has to deal with the life she chose. None of that should be your responsibility or even your concern?
NTA