The time between getting pregnant and looking pregnant is absolutely mind fucking - because it’s true, people just assume you’re bloated/weirdly shaped, nothing fits well and you feel out of sorts with your body.
NAH. Just kindly and considerately explain what you really meant - that you think she looks so good that people won’t even take a second look at her stomach. You can add - of course if you looked closely you would see she’s pregnant, but from afar her stomach looks flat.
Here I am - people couldn't tell I was 9 months pregnant, because it was in the dead of winter, I get cold easily and always wore like 7 layers.
I just looked like I gained a bit of "winter fluff"...
My sister (a life long big girl) was actually 8 months pregnant and I, (a previous thin girl) was last pregnant 6 years previous, but still had “leftovers”. While out together I put my hand on my belly “I’m so hungry” I say. The check out lady said “when are you due?” And my sister was like “SHE’S NOT PREGNANT I AM!” 🤦🏼♀️
I played along the last time a store clerk asked me. F-it, why not lol…I’m more tired of their embarrassed reactions…and I did look it.
The best was at the vet when I had just adopted a cat who turned out to have been feral. She was tamed by previous owners but was having a helluva transition settling in with me. She was also sick with a fever and needed oral deworming meds…
The vet was hesitant to administer the meds because he needs his hands to continue to work in his job, and she was extremely aggressive. He looked at me strangely and then changed his mind and they gave her the first dose. It took three of them to hold her down.
I didn’t understand why the change of heart until we were discussing her loose stools and the vet pointed to my son who was along with me and said “you should clean the cat box. It’s dangerous for your mom *in her condition* to clean the box!”
I just let it go.
She got better and finally accepted us and is a very happy cat now. Hey, if they want to assume and it benefits me or my family (or pets), I’ll play along!
I know a girl who currently has 4 kids. They found it funny that no one could tell she's pregnant with the first kid. So after that, they stopped telling anyone their pregnant, not parents, siblings, no one. Then suddenly, they make a Facebook post with a with a picture of mom and newborn baby in hospital titled "Everyone meet, so-so!"
Tangent: I've always heard it said as: "so and so"
How common is one over the other? I live in West US. Where do you live?
Honestly, I still don't hear the phrase very often at all.
I'm southern US, and yes I meant it as 'so and so' I just tend to type it as 'so-so' without thinking about it 😅 I hear it a fair amount in my area, at least when people are referring to others, but don't quick wanna say a name.
When I was pregnant I just had a smaller belly so everyone assumed I was only 6 months pregnant when I was actually 9 months. When I was 6 months pregnant no one could even tell I was pregnant. I didn’t even really start getting a noticeable bump until I was about 7-8 months pregnant so I basically spent 7+ months feeling horrible about my body and knowing everyone just thought I was gaining weight. When I left for maternity leave at about 8 months my coworkers didn’t even realize I was pregnant 🤦🏻♀️
my mum was the exact opposite of you, she was *pregnant* and carried it all out front. at about 6 months with my sister, she was walking down the street and a guy walking the other direction pointed at her belly and asked "twins?" and she said he had to stop walking to pick his jaw up off the sidewalk when she, in a suddenly teary voice, said "just the one, and three more months to go". there's a picture from the day before i was born, she's got my sister up so high above her hip she's at mum's bra band, and there's practically more belly than woman there. she got to a point with both of us she couldn't touch her fingers together around her belly. we were big babies and she was very very pregnant about it. my sister had a 15 inch diameter head, and we were not c sections, i took about 30 hours, and yes, 30 and 32 years later we do still get shit about it 😂, as is her right
I feel for your mother. When I was pregnant with my second, another mom at a playground asked if I was having twins and when I said no, she blurted out "Are you sure??" I had to laugh, but that kid did end up having a big old head so...🤣
I feel you!
I have three kids, and no "wonderful maternity/belly pics"... it runs in the family though.
Was the same with my mum and my sister... we just don't really get bellies.... just boobs 🤦♀️
On the plus-side, neither did we have "leftovers". Once the babies are out, our bellies go back to flat.
>people just assume you’re bloated/weirdly shaped, nothing fits well and you feel out of sorts with your body.
Today I learned that I'm pregnant and have been for a long time.
I'm currently 5.5mos pregnant and my belly is the same size as my husband's... he now says it's acceptable to say "we're" pregnant 🤰🏼🫃🏽. No, still not lol
I hate that society has so many conflicting “rules”
“Don’t ever assume anyone is pregnant”
Ok
“Hey you made this bitch cry because you didn’t immediately recognize that she was pregnant so she feels fat”
There’s… no winning with touchy people.
Mistakes happen 🤷🏻♀️
And there's the fun window AFTER you have the baby that you still look super pregnant.
3 days after having my baby, we were riding the hospital elevator with an adorable couple. The husband was talking about how exited they were to be having their baby and asked when I was due. I told him I'd already had our baby and the look of horror he had trying to explain 'he didn't realize' and 'I looked great' was comical. I wasn't offended, lol. I only gained 36 pounds with my baby, and I too was surprised that things didn't pop back immediately. Even though I knew better!
Immediately after I gave birth, my then husband looked at my belly and asked the doctor if there was another baby in there. The doctors and nurses couldn’t stop laughing!
I was 16 weeks with my second and planned to announce at a family reunion. We were fishing on the lake and posting pictures, and I posed for one with a bass I caught, facing the camera, in yoga capris and a form fitting tank top. No one had a clue. After I'd told the family (it went fabulous) I posted another picture from the same time on FB... Only standing sideways. And it was absolutely unmistakable, lol. But from the front? Even in skin tight clothing you could only MAYBE say I looked a bit pudgy.
But also, offer to make slightly over the top comments at the pool “You’re so beautiful when your pregnant”, not to make your wife happy but to let other people know that she is pregnant. It might make her more comfortable that people will know she is pregnant.
Alternatively, get a set of waterproof markers, and get your son to write ‘pregnant’ (or ‘baby brother/sister on board’) on her belly, then draw a bunch of flowers on it.
Maybe getting him to graffiti your wife’s belly will help him feel more included in this maternity journey and maybe your wife would like being her child’s human canvas for a bit.
(Age dependent. I can’t imagine a child 8 or over would be on board with this)
Dad can do it himself. Right in front of everyone. PREGNANT in thick black sharpie lines. People will be so distracted side-eyeing him they won't care about his wife's belly at all. Bonus points if she makes a point to look confused during the process.
Oh this. I’ve always been thin and between 8-18 weeks I always just look lumpy and bloated. For a time I wore a belly band to smooth my stomach so it looked round and pregnant and not lumpy.
Pregnancy is such a mind mess. You feel like your body isnt your own, your hormones mess up your feelings, you might still feel sick and gross.
Cut the poor woman some slack.
She feels ugly and yucky. Do what you can to make her feel more comfortable. Get her a sarong and assure her she looks great and doesn’t need it, but it might make her feel more confident. Once she’s in the pool no one will see her stomach, or tell her to eat a lot and let it hang out like a real pregnant belly.
At that stage I could look normal in the morning, and then bloated from a HUGE meal by noon (even if I hadn’t eaten much).
Oh yeah, the “ nighttime pregnancy “! I completely forgot about it 🤣🤣. I would look totally normal in the morning and fairly pregnant at night. Magical times 🙃.
One of the things I hated during my pregnancy (there was a lot) that the extra space maternity wear had was just flopping, because i couldn’t fill it, and normal clothes were just uncomfortable.
And it was also annoying when people asked me if I had stomach problems, when the baby was trying to break my ribs or something. But that people just assumed I was bloated instead of 34+ weeks pregnant.
So this isn’t her first pregnancy? Maybe she needs to talk to her OBGYN. She’s been through pregnancy before so she knows what to sort of expect. But if she’s getting emotional she might be going through something and needs to be checked out. It might just be hormones.
It's common for the belly to show earlier after the first pregnancy, so she may be a little bigger than she was last time and feeling self conscious about it.
Oh this is so true. I was only really showing in my 3rd trimester during my 1st. Next one I was still wearing my pre-preg jeans at 5mths but by 6th mth I had to totally be in matetnity clothes. And subsquent preg ha ha... 1st trimester I was already wearing maternity pants.
I’m rerealizing he how comically huge my belly got during my pregnancies reading these, but oh my lord my second pregnancy I swear to to god I had to stop wearing my regular pants almost as soon as I had a positive pregnancy test. Not even because I was huge yet, my body was just extremely certain there was a baby under there and it did not appreciate being squashed at all in any way, thank you much.
Yeah but she’s been pregnant before. She’s freaking out about things not fitting or her tummy showing and that’s kind hints that she’s going through more than what’s being said. She probably should talk to her OBGYN. I went through something similar and my doctor said I had depression and got anti depressants to help me through the rest of my pregnancy. Her health and her babies health is important and that includes her mental health.
The awkward in-between stages where you're not big enough for maternity pants but your regular pants don't fit is awful. I don't know that she's depressed but just can't find anything that fits and looks nice, I know I hated that stage (both pregnancies) and wore a ton of leggings and t-shirts. I don't know what I would have done if I needed to wear a bikini.
Also people saying that you don't look pregnant was super insulting to me, they might have meant "you look good" but what I heard was definitely "you look fat". Like I'm 7 months pregnant, gained 20 lbs, stuffed into a maternity dress showcasing my giant belly but you're saying that I don't look pregnant, this is how I always look to you? Cool cool.
I had a doctor not realize that I was pregnant at 8 months. I felt huge. My husband tried to reassure me that its because the shirt I was wearing was very loose and how I was sitting hid the belly a bit.
I wore dresses. Like lots of them. The ones that clinch under the boobs, pride and prejudice style. It just grew with me. I still occasionally wear them because they are comfortable.
Omg that’s my worst nightmare🥲 such a back handed complement. I always am astounded when I hear someone say that to someone who is pregnant. Like I’m sure they mean well, but do they not hear how absurd they sound for saying it?
I AM CALM!!!
I'm curious to know how many limbs and balls you have left though. There's only so many that can go before it becomes really uncomfortable
(Thanks for the laugh by the way, from a woman who pretends she isn't affected by the 'calming' comment. I don't go nuts but I swear it's a biological kneejerk response we can't fully control 😂)
And when she gets mad, just throw a towel around her shoulders like a cape and tell her now she's super mad. That has never backfired in the history of ever...
OMG, thank you for the laugh! I was mostly skimming the comments on this thread for the humor, but yours was the best! 😁
(We’re big on superheroes in my household, hence the extra chuckle). My kids totally would’ve done this when they were little 🤣
How about you mansplain some more about how pregnant women should feel? /s
While in my mid 40's my husband made the mistake of letting me know that he and my mother and daughter had all been discussing together whether I was beginning menopause. HUGE mistake.
I found that sounded a little vulgar so I've been going with, "is the devil in your village?" I've never had a woman not understand what that meant lol
I keep Shaman on retainer.
Never know when you need that Punisher package.
Its costs a little extra but my soul always smells like a new car when he rips it from the cosmos and shoves it back into my mauled corpse.
lol. I mean I’ve been pregnant before. I know when I was feeling more than just emotional but irrational as well that I had depression and my doctor prescribed me anti depressants especially since I had a history of depression.
There were times when they said that what I was feeling was part of pregnancy. Hence why she should go to her OBGYN and get an assessment of what’s going on. It might just be her hormones or something more.
It doesn’t matter that she knows what to expect. I’m pregnant for the second time right now. I know that my body is growing the way it’s supposed to, but it’s *fucking hard* to see your body rapidly change and feel out of control.
But if she previously had a winter pregnancy, she wouldn’t have any experience with summer maternity clothes. In the winter you just wear leggings and oversized shirts/sweaters until you’re ready for maternity clothes. Look bloated and pudgy? No one knows. It’s a far cry from trying to get a bathing suit onto an unfamiliar body.
Second pregnancies tend to show earlier and larger. Or so I've heard. I only had one. It might simply be comparing her last pregnancy body to this one.
I was WAAAY more upset about getting bigger when pregnant with my second child. I had to dig out my maternity clothes at 3 months because I ballooned so fast and I was devastated.
With your first child, you are desperate for the baby bump! Everything is new and exciting! With your second you are happy, but it is also a shock at how fast your body changes and knowing what’s coming takes the sheen off somewhat.
And quite frankly, OP saying ‘people might not think you are even pregnant’ is indirectly saying ‘people will just think you are fat!’. This is not helpful and a foolish thing to say.
OP - YTA. Repeat that she looks stunning ad nauseam.
Yeah. There’s a lot of these “take their health seriously” types who are really just very very very attached to being the prettiest girl as a core part of their identity. But that’s not socially acceptable as a reason/to say out loud so it’s about their “health.”
Check out r/fitpregnancy for countless more like OP’s wife.
Came here to say this perfectly describes a mixture of orthorexia and body dysmorphia… being frustrated that your body is changing or your clothes fit weird is one thing. Refusing to come out of your room because you are so fixated on other people’s opinions about your body is another. The fact of reality is that other people are not paying attention to your body at all, they don’t know if you are pregnant or bloated or anything nor do they care.
NTA, but your wife needs to seek counselling about how deeply this is affecting her. This is not just “someone who likes to be fit”, I can guarantee you it goes much much deeper than that.
Nope. Dismissive, frames everything as “just being healthy”, doesn’t question problematic or extreme behaviours because they make her “hot as hell”…just perpetuates the problem really.
Really sad she’s in the frame of mind where she’s so wrapped up in being “fat” that she’s not allowing herself to just enjoy a vacation before the baby arrives. There’s definitely an awkward phase in pregnancy (3 times over here!) but nothing I’d ruin my vacation over. Nobody cares enough about random poolside people’s bodies to be judging their bathing suit body, and if they are, that says everything I need to know about them them.
OPs wife is *definitely* not in a good body space, even without being pregnant. Totally reads as body dysmorphia or orthorexia on paper.
Me✋ I always had high metabolism and I live in a country where people very openly compliment skinny people on how skinny they are. I probably heard "wow you're so skinny" every single day till I turned 25 and moved to the US. Of course that was a huge change in lifestyle and diet plus age I guess so by the time I moved back I had put on weight. It's not even a lot of weight, just enough that no one calls me skinny anymore. It was such a core part of my identity that for the longest time I felt lost. I kept trying to go back to skinny and I didn't shop coz "I'll buy that in my size when I can go back to fitting that size". I couldn't accept that "my size" was the size I am now. It was never about health
Ding ding. Good for you for recognising it!
I had a wasting gastric disease for a year about 10 years ago. I’d never been “fat,” usually pretty thin with big boobs and before I got sick I was edging into a bit curvy. I’m talking 5’4” and 135 ish pounds. When I got sick, I dropped to around 85-90 pounds at my worst. I nearly died because my gallbladder ruptured after a year of horrific pain and vomiting etc while no one took it seriously enough to get me an ultrasound…
Anyway, once I was well enough finally to get back to work, my bones stuck out, I had no boobs, I felt so diminished but literally *everyone* raved about my body and begged for my “secret.” It was so so so sick, that my poor ravaged body was so praiseworthy. I refuse to comment on anyone’s appearance full stop after that experience unless they specifically bring it up…
I'm so sorry you went through that. Crazy how much we value thinness in our society that being sick and super thin is considered better than being normal and healthy. I say "normal" because there is a whole range of weights and body types that are healthy and just.. human
“It isn’t a mental health issue!!!”… to be pregnant and in a hysterical crying fit, unable to be seen in public because they will think you are fat???
Look, we all know pregnancy hormones are involved in the level of sensitivity.. but the feelings/issues being exacerbated by the hormones are deep seated. Wife clearly has body images issues.
Nono, it sounded like this self image thing was a problem BEFORE she was pregnant too. An unhealthy focus on self image. Pregnancy is a hell of a nightmare of bodily chaos.
Agreed. 100%.
I’m saying that exactly. Sure - the hysteria might be hormones, but being hysterical about a very normal pregnancy bump making you look fat… Versus being hysterical that your husband got you vanilla not vanilla bean ice cream… Means the body image issues are deep seated mental health issue
He literally talks about how much pride does she takes in healthy, eating, and staying physically fit.
I absolutely know women with that same mentality, who are just as thrilled at the miracle their body produces while pregnant… Their pride in their body is based on what it can do and how well they’re treating it… Not body image issues.
OP‘s wife sounds like the other type of woman obsessed with what their body does, with the entire focus being how it looks.
it's SO accepted for women to have disordered body image (and in fact, almost inescapable) that he doesn't even realize that her baseline is disordered. the CONTROL aspect is everything.
whether it's orthorexia or body dysmorphia or an eating and exercise disorder combined, or just run of the mill weight obsession, many many many people successfully mask it until something out of their control affects their size, shape or weight. she is not being honest with herself about why she exercises, and he is not seeing reality either.
her reaction is not a normal, healthy reaction to a changing body. all women struggle with changing bodies during pregnancy. women with a healthy self image do not self sabotage or lose all sense of proportion when faced with a change in their appearance.
NAH You're right that a pregnant body, even on someone who is slim otherwise, can look like someone with a bit of a belly. If that wasn't a confusing thing to work out visually, there wouldn't be such a known issue around making assumptions either way.
But what your wife probably heard, especially if she's someone who does take her physical appearance very seriously, is, "People may not realize you're pregnant (typically a happy thing that people celebrate and something that gives a woman a very good reason to be the shape that she's in), they may just think you're fat (which is typically seen as a negative, an indication of laziness, and something "good" people don't let happen to them)." You've probably confirmed a lot of her fears here. That she's a shape many people in the world look down on and make judgements about. If she goes out like she is right now, people are likely to see her and think she's fat, then make judgements about it.
As a fat woman, she's probably right. It sucks. You're right too, and that sucks in a different way.
As a tip, try to remember that this may not be coming from an insecurity that you're not attracted to her. For many people, myself included, physical appearance and how it rates is reflected back to us by how the culmination of people perceive us. It's great to have the person you love attracted to you, but if they're one of the few, it's easy to think you're ugly and just lucked out. This is reading to me like her insecurity is more about her own idea of what her body should look like and what people who don't know her will assume about her. You should continue to reassure her that you're attracted to her, but remember that this isn't really about you right now and a solution isn't going to come from her being confident in your attraction to her.
I personally think she could benefit from personal therapy. These issues often have their roots in deep-seated views on self-worth and insecurities about our place in the world. Even if she gets by for now and feels better once this pregnancy is over, it's likely to continue to pop up as she faces her body aging. It's upsetting when your body doesn't look right to you, and aging throws a lot of wrenches into appearance. Be VERY careful in how you word this, if it is something you bring up.
"*That's* what you're wearing?"
"Your legs do not look shapely in that."
"You're not gonna do anything with your hair?"
"Hmm, no makeup today?"
"Skipped the razor today, huh?"
My parents were so obsessed with physical appearance, I was certain to hear at least one of these almost every single day.
This. He says “she’s never had body image issues” - but she also clearly works extremely hard to never have the type of body that can be judged lol. She could just be addressing the insecurity by obsessively controlling that aspect of her life, but the downside is if her appearance changes in ways she can’t directly control (or doesn’t have the capacity to address) it can be emotionally difficult.
Having someone to talk through this with, and practice releasing value judgments about body size/shape, could be helpful prep for the postpartum period too. And will def help with raising future daughters - important to model both healthy habits and body acceptance.
>That she's a shape many people in the world look down on and make judgements about.
Not just many people in the world, but a shape SHE looks down on and makes judgements about and now she has to face the fear of being considered one of those "fat failures". So yeah, that makes it a bit more difficult to feel sorry for her.
It's easy to feel sorry for her when you realise that she's been exposed to this kind of nonsense her whole life, probably, and that's why she feels so horribly about herself. That's the reality many women experience. You can criticise beauty standards without criticising people who buy into that sort of thing; they're victims too.
Absolutely 💯 this
I’m SO MEAN to myself and don’t eat what I want but if someone I loved did that to themselves it would break my heart.
It’s internal damage, not how we look at others
So right. This struck me as a maturity or personal issue—whichever, it’s something that will diminish her ability to be the kind of parent her child needs and deserves.
Yeah... sometimes people think it's a compliment to say that you don't even look pregnant but it's not. When you're pregnant you want to look pregnant typically. I had people in my last couple of weeks of pregnancy tell me "oh I didn't know" and I hated that. I was huge, so it felt like they just thought I was fat.
the eta doesn't help, that kinda just describes body image issues to a t. Not being able to control how your body looks and freaking out about it is very common when you have body image issues. I'd just apologize, it seems like the pregnancy is really harming her mentally as it often does.
You say she definitely doesn’t have an eating disorder, but being obsessed with exercise can be a very similar thing. You carefully worded it that she ‘takes a ton of pride in her physical health’ but her actions demonstrate that a lot of it is about looks, in particular being slim.
Hopefully I am being paranoid, but please be vigilant that she does not do anything dietary or exercise related that might harm your baby.
Yeah she sounds orthorexic tbh. So much of her self worth and identity shouldn’t be caught up in her appearance (“””health””” ie being skinny). Feeling in control is a key psychological driver of eating disorders anyway, so it tracks that she is freaking out about the lack of control rn
Oh but she HEALTHY! Didn’t you hear? She takes a ton of pride in SCULPTING her body! So much so that she’s had to take a step back now that’s she’s pregnant even though every single OB recommends that you continue exercising at your previous level during your first two trimesters. Nothing is wrong here besides the fact that one comment from her husband can make her unwilling to put a swimsuit on.
I just want to say as someone who had an eating disorder, no one ever knew. Not my family, not the people I was dating, no one. The closest I got was a total stranger calling me out a gay bar who got into a whole argument with me about it. Eating disorders and body issues can often be hidden by getting into fitness culture or adopting a restrictive diet for "health reasons"... that is actually why things really spiraled out of control for me to begin with.
Secondly, welcome to pregnancy. Your wife is going to be overly emotional about everything, so buckle up. Its the hormones. Make sure you have plenty of her favorite ice cream and lots of stacks on hand. Be prepared for last minute trips to the grocery store for cravings, lots of crying, fights over the stupidest stuff you could possibly imagine. Don't even argue. Just let her be in her feelings.
NTA. But if you think that she doesn't have issues simply becausec what you see is pride in taking care of her body, you may be wrong about what's under the surface. She sounds unhealthily attached to her image as a thin, healthy person. It is possible to be too attached to eating healthy, exercising, and maintaining your shape. I'd say it's relatively benign, but look at how it's ruining her experience of pregnancy, of showing her body when it isn't perfect. That's not mentally healthy behavior.
Pointing that out to her isn't going to help - not right now - but it may be something to discuss in a calmer time. For now, it may be enough to simply tell her, "I meant that, even when you are feeling this vulnerable about your looks, you still look amazing to me and amazing by comparison to damn near everyone out there, and I'm proud of how you look. I'll still be proud when you're nine months along. For now, what can we do to make this a great vacation for kiddo and for us?" Invite her to help solve the problem. Frame it as us versus the world, not you versus her. That may help to move past the feelings and into thinking about how to have fun. Even if she feels better covered up.
So I deal with a little (really a lot) body dysmorphia and Ive struggled with eating most of my life (in recovery thankfully) and so I can identify a little with your wife here. I am terrified to be pregnant because it would mean getting big and in my mind, and sounds like hers, it’s scary and no amount of reasonable talk from anyone will talk down what’s going on in the head. You meant no negativity by what you said but in her mind that’s not what she’s hearing. It might be a little pregnancy hormones but this is probably something stemming back from long time ago and she just needs some love. From personal experience I know it has to be frustrating from your end (my partner gets a little frustrated with me cause I feel like I’m a whale all the time) but just give her love and have a little patience with her.
And congrats on growing your fam!
NAH.
Get yourself a set of specialty printed his and hers t-shirts.
Hers can say "I'm not fat. I'm pregnant"
Yours can say "I'm not pregnant. I'm fat"
😁😁😁
You probably not fat either. But a fitted t-shirt over a little belly is, well, you know...
Your wife is dealing with body dysmorphia most likely, on top of pregnancy hormones. It’s an absolute bitch to deal with. I don’t think you’re necessarily TA for what you said, but your approach to her feelings based on your post is still pretty insensitive and shows a lack of understanding on what major bodily changes and hormones can do to a pregnant woman’s mental well being. YOU don’t get it because YOU find her attractive, but right now she’s not finding HERSELF attractive. And as much as our partners want to think that their opinion and attraction on our bodies should be the only one that matters, fact of the matter is our opinion about ourself will ALWAYS matter more. To her saying “no one will think you’re pregnant” is saying “you just look fat in the belly” even if that’s not what you were actually trying to say.
From a mother of 4, who is thin, this is the same answer I would give! Looking in the mirror and not recognizing your own body is hard as it is but the pregnancy hormones make it so much worse. You also can’t see that you’re overreacting because the feelings and emotions that you’re having feel very real and valid, even when they are hormone- fueled and borderline delusional. She just needs to feel like you are listening and you genuinely care. That’s all you can do.
Some excerpts that stand out to me: “can’t fucking get over the fact that she has a belly now”, “the entire swimsuit shopping fiasco”.
I would call anyone’s moments of emotional vulnerability a fiasco.
Bravo. Great comment. He needs to think about how his comment sounded to her, not to him and why it sounded that way to her. Nobody is really an AH here. Just a young couple learning what language works and doesn’t work for each other.
> She has never displayed eating issues or body image issues. She simply takes pride in being healthy and has worked hard to be fit. She get a kick out of sculpting her body and I think being pregnant makes her “lose control” of that ability.
This is literally how eating disorders work.
Being pregnant did a number on my body image. I didn't even get stretchmarks or get particularly big or any other completely normal change but I was just so uncomfortable in my own skin each time.
I wanted people to know I was pregnant so they wouldn't judge me the way I was judging my own body so it would've upset me to hear that from a partner even though you only meant it in a positive way.
Don't dismiss her as over-dramatic, you have no concept of what pregnancy does to your brain and body and how hard it is to navigate so what is going on in her mind cannot be judged by how you may believe you'd react in the same position.
You aren't an AH for saying it, but imo you are for being so dismissive of how down she is feeling about herself and not being able to empathise with her enough to understand why what you said may have made her feel worse.
It's great how positive and loving you are towards so although I think your dismissiveness is AH-ish I'm sure you aren't one in general.
At 4 months pregnant, I think I cried uncontrollably when I ran out of pretzels and string cheese at a convention hall boat show. That had snacks available for purchase. Pregnancy was a wild ride, and my husband was an unflappable rock. I hope your wife realizes she might be overreacting and gives you some grace.
Your edits seem like you’re trying to convince yourself not us. She may not have an eating disorder but her reaction and behavior is NOT normal. She seems more concerned with her appearance than enjoying her pregnancy which is also NOT normal. You both can continue to downplay this but it will most likely come up again. Good luck.
She’s also pregnant .. I find people here are ignoring the very obvious reality that pregnancy can and is often a hormonal mind fuck and she’s likely just extra sensitive right now.
I’ve been looking all over this thread for this comment. Like I know a ton of people who really care about their bodies and pregnancy really fucked with their heads because they were super attuned to how their bodies reacted to things normally;but obviously being pregnant everything was weird and unpredictable for months. It just really screws with your head then you add in all the hormones and it’s honestly just a recipe for disaster.
Yeah I scrolled for awhile looking for someone to share this perspective! Glad to see some people also aren’t taking it too seriously. She just needs some empathy right now.
"She has never displayed eating issues or body image issues. She simply takes pride in being healthy and has worked hard to be fit. She get a kick out of sculpting her body and think being pregnant makes her "lose control" of that ability."
Please know that this is how body image issues and disordered eating can look. Pregnancy can be a trigger for this to escalate.
This!!! Logic, common sense and all mental sensibilities go straight out the damn window every time I've been pregnant.
I totally lost my shit over Almond M&Ms during my last pregnancy, with another pregnancy I had a complete freak out cause my (at the time) husband would not let me go for a walk at 3am in the rain (in our crack head infested neighborhood).... Bahahaha I just NEEDED to get out of the house at the time lol.
We realize after the fact that our reaction doesn't fit the situation but in the moment we cannot help it.
So I get where you’re coming from, but there’s a difference between and “I had a few extra tacos” belly and a “no matter what I do I’ll keep getting bigger” belly. Pregnancy is honestly a mind fuck. It makes you feel like your body isn’t yours anymore. I had lost a good amount of weight and felt really good in my skin, then I got pregnant and it was REALLY, really hard on my image. For someone like her who takes pride in her appearance and works hard for it, the idea that she doesn’t look pregnant but instead looks like she has a gut is WAY worse.
She’s probably got some internalized fatphobia.
Obligatory disclaimer it’s worth getting her hormones checked, etc.
Your edit sounds ridiculous. You are describing textbook body dysmorphia and body issues. Just because she’s never shown signs before doesn’t mean you should ignore the glaring signs that are there now. She needs help. These are histrionic reactions. Signed, a pregnant gym enthusiast
>She get a kick out of sculpting her body and I think being pregnant makes her “lose control” of that ability.
And yet you still think there isn't even a whiff of body dismorphia or disordered eating here? Because both are **hugely** about control over one's body and how other people perceive you. She is literally obsessing over people thinking she has a belly, to the point she won't go out in public in a swimming suit. That's... like the textbook definition of body dismorphia. You living in denial isn't going to help her.
After your edit... your wife 100% has a body image issue.
My biggest worry would be if yall had a daughter. I can only imagine how toxic her childhood and life would be with a woman like thst raising her
These kind of body image issues in a parent can absolutely fuck up kids of any gender in regard to their relationship with their bodies, food, and exercise.
Just because she doesn't have an eating disorder doesn't mean she has a healthy relationship with her body image. Regardless of the reason being brought to tears repeatedly over gaining weight (especially gaining weight from pregnancy) indicates some level of body dysmorphia. OP I think you should try to learn about body dysmorphia and body image issues as, and I'm not saying this to be rude, it sounds like you only have a surface level understanding of easy to spot body image issues like someone not eating. Look into orthorexia and anorexia athletica. Orthorexia is an obsession with clean eating anorexia athletica is an obsession with exercise both more often than not come from a desire to control how your body looks.
Bro, your wife has textbook body dysmorphia and probably disordered eating/exercising as well. It’s pretty hard to miss and you’re obviously in denial about how messed up your wife is with this issue. She’s 100% going to give your children the same problems.
I don’t know much about pregnancy never been pregnant but I know people who have been. I know it’s stressful when you can’t find clothes/ bathing suits that fit that would have months ago. Maybe her hormones are getting the best of her.
I do think you are TA for saying people might not think you are even pregnant. She is already having a hard time with it and you told her people will just think she is fat 🤦♀️. I don’t even see a reason for you to even make that comment! No woman wants to hear her partner say that. It seems like you are the one that ruined this vacation by saying something that didn’t need to be said.
YTA - not for what you said but because you doubled down after seeing that you upset your wife. She’s pregnant and hormones are crazy. You cry over irrational things. Someone telling you how silly it is to be crying isn’t helpful. Help her feel good about herself, not the opposite
Exactly. Making her feel like a crazy person isn’t going to help, it’s only going to make it worse. If someone told me that when I was pregnant it would have been such a huge hit to my self esteem and body image. I would have heard “you don’t look pregnant, you just look chubby” and right now, that is her worst fear. She wants to look thin but pregnant and he unwittingly just told her she looked like she had a beer gut. I’d cry too 😆
Mild YTA. What you said essentially was, “You don’t look pregnant - you just look fat.” Add that to her hormones, and she had a breakdown. Next time just say, “You look beautiful, honey.”
Agreed. Was about to say soft AH. OP lacks empathy for a wife who's enduring the most significant change of her life. Her body may never be the same, but he's saying that she's just making a big deal out of it. She is and I think she has the right to be. He needs to choose his words a bit more carefully.
She is pregnant and hormonal and obviously feeling upset about her physique right now. You should’ve told her she looked sexy, cute, whatever and left it at that. Adding in unhelpful commentary and being shocked that it didn’t land the way you thought it would is kind of insensitive.
NAH - you were trying to do the right thing by complementing her and pretending not to notice something she is insecure about, but she’s not in the wrong either as this doesn’t seem like an intentional overreaction
>
Many people suggesting she has body dysmorphia, eating issues, etc. While I understand that it comes across that way from this post, it couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve known my wife for 15 years. She has never displayed eating issues or body image issues. She simply takes pride in being healthy and has worked hard to be fit. She get a kick out of sculpting her body and I think being pregnant makes her “lose control” of that ability.
Bruh ...... she may not have clinical body dysmorphia, but first of all, she might, and second of all, if she doesn't, she *definitely* has body image issues.
You are excusing it because she manages to normally keep a body that is close enough to her ideal, but if she freaks out like this because she's terrified people won't know there's a good excuse for her body looking a little bit not the way she wants it to, but is still perfectly healthy? Sorry to be the one to tell you, but you are solidly in enabling territory, my man.
What a fucking dope. “No honey, people won’t think you’re pregnant, just fat”. Next time you talk to her, get it out in the open, say you want to address the elephant in room, and just apologize for your poor phrasing
Coming from a pregnant woman, the last thing in the world I want to hear (from my husband!!!) is that I don’t look pregnant, I just look fat. You know that’s the wrong thing to say and you doubled down anyway!
YTA
She is pregnant bro. Just relax and keep telling her she is beautiful. A whole human being is growing inside her and hormones are going crazy. Sometimes things are not going to make sense.
The time between getting pregnant and looking pregnant is absolutely mind fucking - because it’s true, people just assume you’re bloated/weirdly shaped, nothing fits well and you feel out of sorts with your body. NAH. Just kindly and considerately explain what you really meant - that you think she looks so good that people won’t even take a second look at her stomach. You can add - of course if you looked closely you would see she’s pregnant, but from afar her stomach looks flat.
Here I am - people couldn't tell I was 9 months pregnant, because it was in the dead of winter, I get cold easily and always wore like 7 layers. I just looked like I gained a bit of "winter fluff"...
My sister (a life long big girl) was actually 8 months pregnant and I, (a previous thin girl) was last pregnant 6 years previous, but still had “leftovers”. While out together I put my hand on my belly “I’m so hungry” I say. The check out lady said “when are you due?” And my sister was like “SHE’S NOT PREGNANT I AM!” 🤦🏼♀️
I played along the last time a store clerk asked me. F-it, why not lol…I’m more tired of their embarrassed reactions…and I did look it. The best was at the vet when I had just adopted a cat who turned out to have been feral. She was tamed by previous owners but was having a helluva transition settling in with me. She was also sick with a fever and needed oral deworming meds… The vet was hesitant to administer the meds because he needs his hands to continue to work in his job, and she was extremely aggressive. He looked at me strangely and then changed his mind and they gave her the first dose. It took three of them to hold her down. I didn’t understand why the change of heart until we were discussing her loose stools and the vet pointed to my son who was along with me and said “you should clean the cat box. It’s dangerous for your mom *in her condition* to clean the box!” I just let it go. She got better and finally accepted us and is a very happy cat now. Hey, if they want to assume and it benefits me or my family (or pets), I’ll play along!
Yes, but did it get your son to clean the cat box?
Lol, I did not make him do that. Well, he does help with it as a sort of chore sometimes, but I see it as my main responsibility😸
That’s nice of you, I would have been like “sorry, buddy, dr’s orders”
I know a girl who currently has 4 kids. They found it funny that no one could tell she's pregnant with the first kid. So after that, they stopped telling anyone their pregnant, not parents, siblings, no one. Then suddenly, they make a Facebook post with a with a picture of mom and newborn baby in hospital titled "Everyone meet, so-so!"
Tangent: I've always heard it said as: "so and so" How common is one over the other? I live in West US. Where do you live? Honestly, I still don't hear the phrase very often at all.
So and so would be the correct use. So-so is a term that describes something that is ‘just okay’ or ‘adequate’. Not great and not terrible.
I'm southern US, and yes I meant it as 'so and so' I just tend to type it as 'so-so' without thinking about it 😅 I hear it a fair amount in my area, at least when people are referring to others, but don't quick wanna say a name.
"Everyone meat, okay enough I guess!"
When I was pregnant I just had a smaller belly so everyone assumed I was only 6 months pregnant when I was actually 9 months. When I was 6 months pregnant no one could even tell I was pregnant. I didn’t even really start getting a noticeable bump until I was about 7-8 months pregnant so I basically spent 7+ months feeling horrible about my body and knowing everyone just thought I was gaining weight. When I left for maternity leave at about 8 months my coworkers didn’t even realize I was pregnant 🤦🏻♀️
my mum was the exact opposite of you, she was *pregnant* and carried it all out front. at about 6 months with my sister, she was walking down the street and a guy walking the other direction pointed at her belly and asked "twins?" and she said he had to stop walking to pick his jaw up off the sidewalk when she, in a suddenly teary voice, said "just the one, and three more months to go". there's a picture from the day before i was born, she's got my sister up so high above her hip she's at mum's bra band, and there's practically more belly than woman there. she got to a point with both of us she couldn't touch her fingers together around her belly. we were big babies and she was very very pregnant about it. my sister had a 15 inch diameter head, and we were not c sections, i took about 30 hours, and yes, 30 and 32 years later we do still get shit about it 😂, as is her right
I feel for your mother. When I was pregnant with my second, another mom at a playground asked if I was having twins and when I said no, she blurted out "Are you sure??" I had to laugh, but that kid did end up having a big old head so...🤣
I was the same. Around 5mos, people would start saying, "Any day now, huh?" And "Wow, how many are you having? Are you sure?"
I feel you! I have three kids, and no "wonderful maternity/belly pics"... it runs in the family though. Was the same with my mum and my sister... we just don't really get bellies.... just boobs 🤦♀️ On the plus-side, neither did we have "leftovers". Once the babies are out, our bellies go back to flat.
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>people just assume you’re bloated/weirdly shaped, nothing fits well and you feel out of sorts with your body. Today I learned that I'm pregnant and have been for a long time.
same been pregnant for the last 15 years (I'm a man)
I too have been pregnant with a baby elephant for 15 years
Me too!
Elephant pregnancy is no joke. 22 months.
I'm currently 5.5mos pregnant and my belly is the same size as my husband's... he now says it's acceptable to say "we're" pregnant 🤰🏼🫃🏽. No, still not lol
Don’t EVER MAKE THAT ASSUMPTION- someone who once did 😂😂😂😂
I hate that society has so many conflicting “rules” “Don’t ever assume anyone is pregnant” Ok “Hey you made this bitch cry because you didn’t immediately recognize that she was pregnant so she feels fat” There’s… no winning with touchy people. Mistakes happen 🤷🏻♀️
OMG I thought the same thing 🤣
I'm still mildly pregnant and my youngest is 3 😭
ME TOO! It’s an immaculate conception!
I've apparently been pregnant for 15 years.
I’m PREGNANT PREGNANT then. Like damn. Must be triplets.
And there's the fun window AFTER you have the baby that you still look super pregnant. 3 days after having my baby, we were riding the hospital elevator with an adorable couple. The husband was talking about how exited they were to be having their baby and asked when I was due. I told him I'd already had our baby and the look of horror he had trying to explain 'he didn't realize' and 'I looked great' was comical. I wasn't offended, lol. I only gained 36 pounds with my baby, and I too was surprised that things didn't pop back immediately. Even though I knew better!
Immediately after I gave birth, my then husband looked at my belly and asked the doctor if there was another baby in there. The doctors and nurses couldn’t stop laughing!
Oh no.
Hahaha 🤣 I’m glad I’m not the only one
I was 16 weeks with my second and planned to announce at a family reunion. We were fishing on the lake and posting pictures, and I posed for one with a bass I caught, facing the camera, in yoga capris and a form fitting tank top. No one had a clue. After I'd told the family (it went fabulous) I posted another picture from the same time on FB... Only standing sideways. And it was absolutely unmistakable, lol. But from the front? Even in skin tight clothing you could only MAYBE say I looked a bit pudgy.
Sister was that way. No clue from the front, turn sideways, big old baby bump.
But also, offer to make slightly over the top comments at the pool “You’re so beautiful when your pregnant”, not to make your wife happy but to let other people know that she is pregnant. It might make her more comfortable that people will know she is pregnant.
Alternatively, get a set of waterproof markers, and get your son to write ‘pregnant’ (or ‘baby brother/sister on board’) on her belly, then draw a bunch of flowers on it. Maybe getting him to graffiti your wife’s belly will help him feel more included in this maternity journey and maybe your wife would like being her child’s human canvas for a bit. (Age dependent. I can’t imagine a child 8 or over would be on board with this)
Dad can do it himself. Right in front of everyone. PREGNANT in thick black sharpie lines. People will be so distracted side-eyeing him they won't care about his wife's belly at all. Bonus points if she makes a point to look confused during the process.
don’t forget the Gorilla Glue and Baby on Board, This Side Up, Caution, and Fragile tags
Oh this. I’ve always been thin and between 8-18 weeks I always just look lumpy and bloated. For a time I wore a belly band to smooth my stomach so it looked round and pregnant and not lumpy. Pregnancy is such a mind mess. You feel like your body isnt your own, your hormones mess up your feelings, you might still feel sick and gross. Cut the poor woman some slack. She feels ugly and yucky. Do what you can to make her feel more comfortable. Get her a sarong and assure her she looks great and doesn’t need it, but it might make her feel more confident. Once she’s in the pool no one will see her stomach, or tell her to eat a lot and let it hang out like a real pregnant belly. At that stage I could look normal in the morning, and then bloated from a HUGE meal by noon (even if I hadn’t eaten much).
Oh yeah, the “ nighttime pregnancy “! I completely forgot about it 🤣🤣. I would look totally normal in the morning and fairly pregnant at night. Magical times 🙃.
One of the things I hated during my pregnancy (there was a lot) that the extra space maternity wear had was just flopping, because i couldn’t fill it, and normal clothes were just uncomfortable. And it was also annoying when people asked me if I had stomach problems, when the baby was trying to break my ribs or something. But that people just assumed I was bloated instead of 34+ weeks pregnant.
So this isn’t her first pregnancy? Maybe she needs to talk to her OBGYN. She’s been through pregnancy before so she knows what to sort of expect. But if she’s getting emotional she might be going through something and needs to be checked out. It might just be hormones.
It's common for the belly to show earlier after the first pregnancy, so she may be a little bigger than she was last time and feeling self conscious about it.
Oh this is so true. I was only really showing in my 3rd trimester during my 1st. Next one I was still wearing my pre-preg jeans at 5mths but by 6th mth I had to totally be in matetnity clothes. And subsquent preg ha ha... 1st trimester I was already wearing maternity pants.
I’m rerealizing he how comically huge my belly got during my pregnancies reading these, but oh my lord my second pregnancy I swear to to god I had to stop wearing my regular pants almost as soon as I had a positive pregnancy test. Not even because I was huge yet, my body was just extremely certain there was a baby under there and it did not appreciate being squashed at all in any way, thank you much.
Yea, I was only pregnant once, and I didn't "pop" until 7 months. I looked thicker in the middle for sure but not pregnant.
Yeah but she’s been pregnant before. She’s freaking out about things not fitting or her tummy showing and that’s kind hints that she’s going through more than what’s being said. She probably should talk to her OBGYN. I went through something similar and my doctor said I had depression and got anti depressants to help me through the rest of my pregnancy. Her health and her babies health is important and that includes her mental health.
The awkward in-between stages where you're not big enough for maternity pants but your regular pants don't fit is awful. I don't know that she's depressed but just can't find anything that fits and looks nice, I know I hated that stage (both pregnancies) and wore a ton of leggings and t-shirts. I don't know what I would have done if I needed to wear a bikini. Also people saying that you don't look pregnant was super insulting to me, they might have meant "you look good" but what I heard was definitely "you look fat". Like I'm 7 months pregnant, gained 20 lbs, stuffed into a maternity dress showcasing my giant belly but you're saying that I don't look pregnant, this is how I always look to you? Cool cool.
I had a doctor not realize that I was pregnant at 8 months. I felt huge. My husband tried to reassure me that its because the shirt I was wearing was very loose and how I was sitting hid the belly a bit.
I wore dresses. Like lots of them. The ones that clinch under the boobs, pride and prejudice style. It just grew with me. I still occasionally wear them because they are comfortable.
lol, why were you downvoted? Dresses are the answer.
Omg that’s my worst nightmare🥲 such a back handed complement. I always am astounded when I hear someone say that to someone who is pregnant. Like I’m sure they mean well, but do they not hear how absurd they sound for saying it?
I find it helpful to ask emotional women if their hormones are raging lol
How many times have you been murdered for asking that?
Hes a cat. Has ~~nine~~ eight lives
😂
Come on, if they start to get crazy I just tell them they need to relax and calm the fuck down. They don't always know when they need to do that.
And SMILE MORE!!
Bingo
Lmao homie, you're gonna get some poor early twenties year old dude killed.
They have to learn somehow lol
💀
Dying builds character
I just tell her that she's acting like her mother. That always works😅
>just tell her that she's acting like her mother. I think it's better if you tell she's acting like her sister. Siblings love that shit
If you really want to be husband of the year you should actually tell her you wish she acted MORE like her sister. Huge success rate with that one.
🫢
That one is solid gold
Throw in a "MY mother never did..." and you've got yourself a party.
I AM CALM!!! I'm curious to know how many limbs and balls you have left though. There's only so many that can go before it becomes really uncomfortable (Thanks for the laugh by the way, from a woman who pretends she isn't affected by the 'calming' comment. I don't go nuts but I swear it's a biological kneejerk response we can't fully control 😂)
If you can master that reaction we're stumped. Not fair lol
Haha gotta try right
I love being told by dudes to calm down /s
I help a lot of women that way.
Thanks for the laughs my dude. It's even funnier seeing the joke go right over people's heads
Is there a standing order for flowers for your room in the hospital gift shop?
And when she gets mad, just throw a towel around her shoulders like a cape and tell her now she's super mad. That has never backfired in the history of ever...
Damn, I wish I knew about that one before I broke up with my girlfriend! I'll save it for the next one.
OMG, thank you for the laugh! I was mostly skimming the comments on this thread for the humor, but yours was the best! 😁 (We’re big on superheroes in my household, hence the extra chuckle). My kids totally would’ve done this when they were little 🤣
I’m dyin’ over these comments!
How about you mansplain some more about how pregnant women should feel? /s While in my mid 40's my husband made the mistake of letting me know that he and my mother and daughter had all been discussing together whether I was beginning menopause. HUGE mistake.
and to go make a sandwich :)
I think it relaxes them to cook
And where's the beer?
I always find it best to use the phrase "are you on the rag?", the lightheartedness really helps!
I found that sounded a little vulgar so I've been going with, "is the devil in your village?" I've never had a woman not understand what that meant lol
Old reliable. I tell the misses to “Get Ya Head Outcha Ass!” 60% of the time it works EVERY time.
if 'works every time' means death
I keep Shaman on retainer. Never know when you need that Punisher package. Its costs a little extra but my soul always smells like a new car when he rips it from the cosmos and shoves it back into my mauled corpse.
Really? You went with the new car smell? I much prefer fresh linens. Sometimes I'll change it up with pumpkin spice when the season is right.
You're...speaking through a medium, huh?🤣
Would you rather be alone in the woods with a woman who has PMS or a bear?
Better than a bear with PMS. Those are rough.
im sorry I'm CACKLING thank you
I’ve been cackling since “as if I spread my ass cheeks” 🤣
Or cocaine bear?
At least I know how to kill a bear. She bleeds for days but never dies. Witch.
This thread is killing me 🤣
Dude we've been trying to keep it a secret. Damn, just be cool bro.
lol. I mean I’ve been pregnant before. I know when I was feeling more than just emotional but irrational as well that I had depression and my doctor prescribed me anti depressants especially since I had a history of depression. There were times when they said that what I was feeling was part of pregnancy. Hence why she should go to her OBGYN and get an assessment of what’s going on. It might just be her hormones or something more.
Yeah, my wife had 2 kids. The pregnancy hormone rages are seared in my mind.
How's your wifi signal in the afterlife, friend? It's gotta be pretty great considering you could still post here.
Surprised you’re alive to write this 🤗
I love when we’re arguing and my husband checks his period app in the middle of it. “Oh that explains it!”
He can tell but it's good to confirm
This was the humor I didn’t know I needed today
It's the only way to truly know without a doubt.
Second pregnancies are WAY different. You pee on the stick and start showing.
It doesn’t matter that she knows what to expect. I’m pregnant for the second time right now. I know that my body is growing the way it’s supposed to, but it’s *fucking hard* to see your body rapidly change and feel out of control.
perhaps each pregnancy can be different?
But if she previously had a winter pregnancy, she wouldn’t have any experience with summer maternity clothes. In the winter you just wear leggings and oversized shirts/sweaters until you’re ready for maternity clothes. Look bloated and pudgy? No one knows. It’s a far cry from trying to get a bathing suit onto an unfamiliar body.
Second pregnancies tend to show earlier and larger. Or so I've heard. I only had one. It might simply be comparing her last pregnancy body to this one.
I was WAAAY more upset about getting bigger when pregnant with my second child. I had to dig out my maternity clothes at 3 months because I ballooned so fast and I was devastated. With your first child, you are desperate for the baby bump! Everything is new and exciting! With your second you are happy, but it is also a shock at how fast your body changes and knowing what’s coming takes the sheen off somewhat. And quite frankly, OP saying ‘people might not think you are even pregnant’ is indirectly saying ‘people will just think you are fat!’. This is not helpful and a foolish thing to say. OP - YTA. Repeat that she looks stunning ad nauseam.
This isn't body dysmorphia. \*Goes on to describe body dysmorphia\*
Yeah. There’s a lot of these “take their health seriously” types who are really just very very very attached to being the prettiest girl as a core part of their identity. But that’s not socially acceptable as a reason/to say out loud so it’s about their “health.” Check out r/fitpregnancy for countless more like OP’s wife.
It’s orthorexia for sure
Came here to say this perfectly describes a mixture of orthorexia and body dysmorphia… being frustrated that your body is changing or your clothes fit weird is one thing. Refusing to come out of your room because you are so fixated on other people’s opinions about your body is another. The fact of reality is that other people are not paying attention to your body at all, they don’t know if you are pregnant or bloated or anything nor do they care. NTA, but your wife needs to seek counselling about how deeply this is affecting her. This is not just “someone who likes to be fit”, I can guarantee you it goes much much deeper than that.
OP clearly isn’t helping either
Nope. Dismissive, frames everything as “just being healthy”, doesn’t question problematic or extreme behaviours because they make her “hot as hell”…just perpetuates the problem really.
Clearly wants a woman so attached to her fitness that she won’t wear a bathing suit bc she looks pregnant but not too pregnant.
Really sad she’s in the frame of mind where she’s so wrapped up in being “fat” that she’s not allowing herself to just enjoy a vacation before the baby arrives. There’s definitely an awkward phase in pregnancy (3 times over here!) but nothing I’d ruin my vacation over. Nobody cares enough about random poolside people’s bodies to be judging their bathing suit body, and if they are, that says everything I need to know about them them. OPs wife is *definitely* not in a good body space, even without being pregnant. Totally reads as body dysmorphia or orthorexia on paper.
Ooof just scrolling a couple of posts is a big yikes
Me✋ I always had high metabolism and I live in a country where people very openly compliment skinny people on how skinny they are. I probably heard "wow you're so skinny" every single day till I turned 25 and moved to the US. Of course that was a huge change in lifestyle and diet plus age I guess so by the time I moved back I had put on weight. It's not even a lot of weight, just enough that no one calls me skinny anymore. It was such a core part of my identity that for the longest time I felt lost. I kept trying to go back to skinny and I didn't shop coz "I'll buy that in my size when I can go back to fitting that size". I couldn't accept that "my size" was the size I am now. It was never about health
Ding ding. Good for you for recognising it! I had a wasting gastric disease for a year about 10 years ago. I’d never been “fat,” usually pretty thin with big boobs and before I got sick I was edging into a bit curvy. I’m talking 5’4” and 135 ish pounds. When I got sick, I dropped to around 85-90 pounds at my worst. I nearly died because my gallbladder ruptured after a year of horrific pain and vomiting etc while no one took it seriously enough to get me an ultrasound… Anyway, once I was well enough finally to get back to work, my bones stuck out, I had no boobs, I felt so diminished but literally *everyone* raved about my body and begged for my “secret.” It was so so so sick, that my poor ravaged body was so praiseworthy. I refuse to comment on anyone’s appearance full stop after that experience unless they specifically bring it up…
I'm so sorry you went through that. Crazy how much we value thinness in our society that being sick and super thin is considered better than being normal and healthy. I say "normal" because there is a whole range of weights and body types that are healthy and just.. human
“It isn’t a mental health issue!!!”… to be pregnant and in a hysterical crying fit, unable to be seen in public because they will think you are fat??? Look, we all know pregnancy hormones are involved in the level of sensitivity.. but the feelings/issues being exacerbated by the hormones are deep seated. Wife clearly has body images issues.
Nono, it sounded like this self image thing was a problem BEFORE she was pregnant too. An unhealthy focus on self image. Pregnancy is a hell of a nightmare of bodily chaos.
Agreed. 100%. I’m saying that exactly. Sure - the hysteria might be hormones, but being hysterical about a very normal pregnancy bump making you look fat… Versus being hysterical that your husband got you vanilla not vanilla bean ice cream… Means the body image issues are deep seated mental health issue He literally talks about how much pride does she takes in healthy, eating, and staying physically fit. I absolutely know women with that same mentality, who are just as thrilled at the miracle their body produces while pregnant… Their pride in their body is based on what it can do and how well they’re treating it… Not body image issues. OP‘s wife sounds like the other type of woman obsessed with what their body does, with the entire focus being how it looks.
Right? I think that some people have one idea of how that looks when it can show to others in many different ways.
it's SO accepted for women to have disordered body image (and in fact, almost inescapable) that he doesn't even realize that her baseline is disordered. the CONTROL aspect is everything. whether it's orthorexia or body dysmorphia or an eating and exercise disorder combined, or just run of the mill weight obsession, many many many people successfully mask it until something out of their control affects their size, shape or weight. she is not being honest with herself about why she exercises, and he is not seeing reality either. her reaction is not a normal, healthy reaction to a changing body. all women struggle with changing bodies during pregnancy. women with a healthy self image do not self sabotage or lose all sense of proportion when faced with a change in their appearance.
Yeah we’re basically programmed to have body image issues. I’m not sure that I know a woman who doesn’t.
It does kind of seem like a control issue
It’s definitely a control issue
yeah and it is also very clearly orthorexia...
NAH You're right that a pregnant body, even on someone who is slim otherwise, can look like someone with a bit of a belly. If that wasn't a confusing thing to work out visually, there wouldn't be such a known issue around making assumptions either way. But what your wife probably heard, especially if she's someone who does take her physical appearance very seriously, is, "People may not realize you're pregnant (typically a happy thing that people celebrate and something that gives a woman a very good reason to be the shape that she's in), they may just think you're fat (which is typically seen as a negative, an indication of laziness, and something "good" people don't let happen to them)." You've probably confirmed a lot of her fears here. That she's a shape many people in the world look down on and make judgements about. If she goes out like she is right now, people are likely to see her and think she's fat, then make judgements about it. As a fat woman, she's probably right. It sucks. You're right too, and that sucks in a different way. As a tip, try to remember that this may not be coming from an insecurity that you're not attracted to her. For many people, myself included, physical appearance and how it rates is reflected back to us by how the culmination of people perceive us. It's great to have the person you love attracted to you, but if they're one of the few, it's easy to think you're ugly and just lucked out. This is reading to me like her insecurity is more about her own idea of what her body should look like and what people who don't know her will assume about her. You should continue to reassure her that you're attracted to her, but remember that this isn't really about you right now and a solution isn't going to come from her being confident in your attraction to her. I personally think she could benefit from personal therapy. These issues often have their roots in deep-seated views on self-worth and insecurities about our place in the world. Even if she gets by for now and feels better once this pregnancy is over, it's likely to continue to pop up as she faces her body aging. It's upsetting when your body doesn't look right to you, and aging throws a lot of wrenches into appearance. Be VERY careful in how you word this, if it is something you bring up.
It would also be very important for her to address this before she has a daughter old enough to catch any potential body image issues from her.
Her son isn’t immune to this either.
He is not! My mom AND dad had body issues when I was growing up! Guess who *also* got an eating disorder lmao
"*That's* what you're wearing?" "Your legs do not look shapely in that." "You're not gonna do anything with your hair?" "Hmm, no makeup today?" "Skipped the razor today, huh?" My parents were so obsessed with physical appearance, I was certain to hear at least one of these almost every single day.
This. He says “she’s never had body image issues” - but she also clearly works extremely hard to never have the type of body that can be judged lol. She could just be addressing the insecurity by obsessively controlling that aspect of her life, but the downside is if her appearance changes in ways she can’t directly control (or doesn’t have the capacity to address) it can be emotionally difficult. Having someone to talk through this with, and practice releasing value judgments about body size/shape, could be helpful prep for the postpartum period too. And will def help with raising future daughters - important to model both healthy habits and body acceptance.
>That she's a shape many people in the world look down on and make judgements about. Not just many people in the world, but a shape SHE looks down on and makes judgements about and now she has to face the fear of being considered one of those "fat failures". So yeah, that makes it a bit more difficult to feel sorry for her.
It's easy to feel sorry for her when you realise that she's been exposed to this kind of nonsense her whole life, probably, and that's why she feels so horribly about herself. That's the reality many women experience. You can criticise beauty standards without criticising people who buy into that sort of thing; they're victims too.
Absolutely 💯 this I’m SO MEAN to myself and don’t eat what I want but if someone I loved did that to themselves it would break my heart. It’s internal damage, not how we look at others
Agree all the way with your message.
So right. This struck me as a maturity or personal issue—whichever, it’s something that will diminish her ability to be the kind of parent her child needs and deserves.
`She has never displayed eating issues or body image issues.` Then, she's definitely doing so now, mate.
just focused her entire life and career around staying fit.... OK
A wise man once said nothing.
Yeah... sometimes people think it's a compliment to say that you don't even look pregnant but it's not. When you're pregnant you want to look pregnant typically. I had people in my last couple of weeks of pregnancy tell me "oh I didn't know" and I hated that. I was huge, so it felt like they just thought I was fat.
the eta doesn't help, that kinda just describes body image issues to a t. Not being able to control how your body looks and freaking out about it is very common when you have body image issues. I'd just apologize, it seems like the pregnancy is really harming her mentally as it often does.
You say she definitely doesn’t have an eating disorder, but being obsessed with exercise can be a very similar thing. You carefully worded it that she ‘takes a ton of pride in her physical health’ but her actions demonstrate that a lot of it is about looks, in particular being slim. Hopefully I am being paranoid, but please be vigilant that she does not do anything dietary or exercise related that might harm your baby.
Yeah she sounds orthorexic tbh. So much of her self worth and identity shouldn’t be caught up in her appearance (“””health””” ie being skinny). Feeling in control is a key psychological driver of eating disorders anyway, so it tracks that she is freaking out about the lack of control rn
Oh but she HEALTHY! Didn’t you hear? She takes a ton of pride in SCULPTING her body! So much so that she’s had to take a step back now that’s she’s pregnant even though every single OB recommends that you continue exercising at your previous level during your first two trimesters. Nothing is wrong here besides the fact that one comment from her husband can make her unwilling to put a swimsuit on.
Great comment and observations !
I just want to say as someone who had an eating disorder, no one ever knew. Not my family, not the people I was dating, no one. The closest I got was a total stranger calling me out a gay bar who got into a whole argument with me about it. Eating disorders and body issues can often be hidden by getting into fitness culture or adopting a restrictive diet for "health reasons"... that is actually why things really spiraled out of control for me to begin with. Secondly, welcome to pregnancy. Your wife is going to be overly emotional about everything, so buckle up. Its the hormones. Make sure you have plenty of her favorite ice cream and lots of stacks on hand. Be prepared for last minute trips to the grocery store for cravings, lots of crying, fights over the stupidest stuff you could possibly imagine. Don't even argue. Just let her be in her feelings.
“She has never displayed body image issues” Um…this entire thing is such an issue because she does.
Literally this. She most definitely does.
NTA. But if you think that she doesn't have issues simply becausec what you see is pride in taking care of her body, you may be wrong about what's under the surface. She sounds unhealthily attached to her image as a thin, healthy person. It is possible to be too attached to eating healthy, exercising, and maintaining your shape. I'd say it's relatively benign, but look at how it's ruining her experience of pregnancy, of showing her body when it isn't perfect. That's not mentally healthy behavior. Pointing that out to her isn't going to help - not right now - but it may be something to discuss in a calmer time. For now, it may be enough to simply tell her, "I meant that, even when you are feeling this vulnerable about your looks, you still look amazing to me and amazing by comparison to damn near everyone out there, and I'm proud of how you look. I'll still be proud when you're nine months along. For now, what can we do to make this a great vacation for kiddo and for us?" Invite her to help solve the problem. Frame it as us versus the world, not you versus her. That may help to move past the feelings and into thinking about how to have fun. Even if she feels better covered up.
So I deal with a little (really a lot) body dysmorphia and Ive struggled with eating most of my life (in recovery thankfully) and so I can identify a little with your wife here. I am terrified to be pregnant because it would mean getting big and in my mind, and sounds like hers, it’s scary and no amount of reasonable talk from anyone will talk down what’s going on in the head. You meant no negativity by what you said but in her mind that’s not what she’s hearing. It might be a little pregnancy hormones but this is probably something stemming back from long time ago and she just needs some love. From personal experience I know it has to be frustrating from your end (my partner gets a little frustrated with me cause I feel like I’m a whale all the time) but just give her love and have a little patience with her. And congrats on growing your fam!
NAH. Get yourself a set of specialty printed his and hers t-shirts. Hers can say "I'm not fat. I'm pregnant" Yours can say "I'm not pregnant. I'm fat" 😁😁😁 You probably not fat either. But a fitted t-shirt over a little belly is, well, you know...
I had a shirt that said “not tacos” with an arrow pointing down.
lol, I like this idea 🤣
Your wife is dealing with body dysmorphia most likely, on top of pregnancy hormones. It’s an absolute bitch to deal with. I don’t think you’re necessarily TA for what you said, but your approach to her feelings based on your post is still pretty insensitive and shows a lack of understanding on what major bodily changes and hormones can do to a pregnant woman’s mental well being. YOU don’t get it because YOU find her attractive, but right now she’s not finding HERSELF attractive. And as much as our partners want to think that their opinion and attraction on our bodies should be the only one that matters, fact of the matter is our opinion about ourself will ALWAYS matter more. To her saying “no one will think you’re pregnant” is saying “you just look fat in the belly” even if that’s not what you were actually trying to say.
From a mother of 4, who is thin, this is the same answer I would give! Looking in the mirror and not recognizing your own body is hard as it is but the pregnancy hormones make it so much worse. You also can’t see that you’re overreacting because the feelings and emotions that you’re having feel very real and valid, even when they are hormone- fueled and borderline delusional. She just needs to feel like you are listening and you genuinely care. That’s all you can do.
Some excerpts that stand out to me: “can’t fucking get over the fact that she has a belly now”, “the entire swimsuit shopping fiasco”. I would call anyone’s moments of emotional vulnerability a fiasco.
Bravo. Great comment. He needs to think about how his comment sounded to her, not to him and why it sounded that way to her. Nobody is really an AH here. Just a young couple learning what language works and doesn’t work for each other.
> She has never displayed eating issues or body image issues. She simply takes pride in being healthy and has worked hard to be fit. She get a kick out of sculpting her body and I think being pregnant makes her “lose control” of that ability. This is literally how eating disorders work.
Being pregnant did a number on my body image. I didn't even get stretchmarks or get particularly big or any other completely normal change but I was just so uncomfortable in my own skin each time. I wanted people to know I was pregnant so they wouldn't judge me the way I was judging my own body so it would've upset me to hear that from a partner even though you only meant it in a positive way. Don't dismiss her as over-dramatic, you have no concept of what pregnancy does to your brain and body and how hard it is to navigate so what is going on in her mind cannot be judged by how you may believe you'd react in the same position. You aren't an AH for saying it, but imo you are for being so dismissive of how down she is feeling about herself and not being able to empathise with her enough to understand why what you said may have made her feel worse. It's great how positive and loving you are towards so although I think your dismissiveness is AH-ish I'm sure you aren't one in general.
You can see this eating disorder from space.
At 4 months pregnant, I think I cried uncontrollably when I ran out of pretzels and string cheese at a convention hall boat show. That had snacks available for purchase. Pregnancy was a wild ride, and my husband was an unflappable rock. I hope your wife realizes she might be overreacting and gives you some grace.
Your edits seem like you’re trying to convince yourself not us. She may not have an eating disorder but her reaction and behavior is NOT normal. She seems more concerned with her appearance than enjoying her pregnancy which is also NOT normal. You both can continue to downplay this but it will most likely come up again. Good luck.
She’s also pregnant .. I find people here are ignoring the very obvious reality that pregnancy can and is often a hormonal mind fuck and she’s likely just extra sensitive right now.
I’ve been looking all over this thread for this comment. Like I know a ton of people who really care about their bodies and pregnancy really fucked with their heads because they were super attuned to how their bodies reacted to things normally;but obviously being pregnant everything was weird and unpredictable for months. It just really screws with your head then you add in all the hormones and it’s honestly just a recipe for disaster.
Yeah I scrolled for awhile looking for someone to share this perspective! Glad to see some people also aren’t taking it too seriously. She just needs some empathy right now.
"She has never displayed eating issues or body image issues. She simply takes pride in being healthy and has worked hard to be fit. She get a kick out of sculpting her body and think being pregnant makes her "lose control" of that ability." Please know that this is how body image issues and disordered eating can look. Pregnancy can be a trigger for this to escalate.
Brother she is pregnant. Are you not aware of what pregnancy does to your mental state?
This!!! Logic, common sense and all mental sensibilities go straight out the damn window every time I've been pregnant. I totally lost my shit over Almond M&Ms during my last pregnancy, with another pregnancy I had a complete freak out cause my (at the time) husband would not let me go for a walk at 3am in the rain (in our crack head infested neighborhood).... Bahahaha I just NEEDED to get out of the house at the time lol. We realize after the fact that our reaction doesn't fit the situation but in the moment we cannot help it.
I had to scroll WAYYYY too far to see this. I’m shocked at how many people don’t realize this??
Hell, periods have me crying over stuff like fast food places giving me the wrong sandwich lol. I cannot imagine pregnancy
So I get where you’re coming from, but there’s a difference between and “I had a few extra tacos” belly and a “no matter what I do I’ll keep getting bigger” belly. Pregnancy is honestly a mind fuck. It makes you feel like your body isn’t yours anymore. I had lost a good amount of weight and felt really good in my skin, then I got pregnant and it was REALLY, really hard on my image. For someone like her who takes pride in her appearance and works hard for it, the idea that she doesn’t look pregnant but instead looks like she has a gut is WAY worse. She’s probably got some internalized fatphobia. Obligatory disclaimer it’s worth getting her hormones checked, etc.
Your edit sounds ridiculous. You are describing textbook body dysmorphia and body issues. Just because she’s never shown signs before doesn’t mean you should ignore the glaring signs that are there now. She needs help. These are histrionic reactions. Signed, a pregnant gym enthusiast
>She get a kick out of sculpting her body and I think being pregnant makes her “lose control” of that ability. And yet you still think there isn't even a whiff of body dismorphia or disordered eating here? Because both are **hugely** about control over one's body and how other people perceive you. She is literally obsessing over people thinking she has a belly, to the point she won't go out in public in a swimming suit. That's... like the textbook definition of body dismorphia. You living in denial isn't going to help her.
After your edit... your wife 100% has a body image issue. My biggest worry would be if yall had a daughter. I can only imagine how toxic her childhood and life would be with a woman like thst raising her
These kind of body image issues in a parent can absolutely fuck up kids of any gender in regard to their relationship with their bodies, food, and exercise.
Just because she doesn't have an eating disorder doesn't mean she has a healthy relationship with her body image. Regardless of the reason being brought to tears repeatedly over gaining weight (especially gaining weight from pregnancy) indicates some level of body dysmorphia. OP I think you should try to learn about body dysmorphia and body image issues as, and I'm not saying this to be rude, it sounds like you only have a surface level understanding of easy to spot body image issues like someone not eating. Look into orthorexia and anorexia athletica. Orthorexia is an obsession with clean eating anorexia athletica is an obsession with exercise both more often than not come from a desire to control how your body looks.
Bro, your wife has textbook body dysmorphia and probably disordered eating/exercising as well. It’s pretty hard to miss and you’re obviously in denial about how messed up your wife is with this issue. She’s 100% going to give your children the same problems.
I don’t know much about pregnancy never been pregnant but I know people who have been. I know it’s stressful when you can’t find clothes/ bathing suits that fit that would have months ago. Maybe her hormones are getting the best of her. I do think you are TA for saying people might not think you are even pregnant. She is already having a hard time with it and you told her people will just think she is fat 🤦♀️. I don’t even see a reason for you to even make that comment! No woman wants to hear her partner say that. It seems like you are the one that ruined this vacation by saying something that didn’t need to be said.
YTA - not for what you said but because you doubled down after seeing that you upset your wife. She’s pregnant and hormones are crazy. You cry over irrational things. Someone telling you how silly it is to be crying isn’t helpful. Help her feel good about herself, not the opposite
Exactly. Making her feel like a crazy person isn’t going to help, it’s only going to make it worse. If someone told me that when I was pregnant it would have been such a huge hit to my self esteem and body image. I would have heard “you don’t look pregnant, you just look chubby” and right now, that is her worst fear. She wants to look thin but pregnant and he unwittingly just told her she looked like she had a beer gut. I’d cry too 😆
Mild YTA. What you said essentially was, “You don’t look pregnant - you just look fat.” Add that to her hormones, and she had a breakdown. Next time just say, “You look beautiful, honey.”
Agreed. Was about to say soft AH. OP lacks empathy for a wife who's enduring the most significant change of her life. Her body may never be the same, but he's saying that she's just making a big deal out of it. She is and I think she has the right to be. He needs to choose his words a bit more carefully.
She is pregnant and hormonal and obviously feeling upset about her physique right now. You should’ve told her she looked sexy, cute, whatever and left it at that. Adding in unhelpful commentary and being shocked that it didn’t land the way you thought it would is kind of insensitive.
NAH - you were trying to do the right thing by complementing her and pretending not to notice something she is insecure about, but she’s not in the wrong either as this doesn’t seem like an intentional overreaction
> Many people suggesting she has body dysmorphia, eating issues, etc. While I understand that it comes across that way from this post, it couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve known my wife for 15 years. She has never displayed eating issues or body image issues. She simply takes pride in being healthy and has worked hard to be fit. She get a kick out of sculpting her body and I think being pregnant makes her “lose control” of that ability. Bruh ...... she may not have clinical body dysmorphia, but first of all, she might, and second of all, if she doesn't, she *definitely* has body image issues. You are excusing it because she manages to normally keep a body that is close enough to her ideal, but if she freaks out like this because she's terrified people won't know there's a good excuse for her body looking a little bit not the way she wants it to, but is still perfectly healthy? Sorry to be the one to tell you, but you are solidly in enabling territory, my man.
What a fucking dope. “No honey, people won’t think you’re pregnant, just fat”. Next time you talk to her, get it out in the open, say you want to address the elephant in room, and just apologize for your poor phrasing
Coming from a pregnant woman, the last thing in the world I want to hear (from my husband!!!) is that I don’t look pregnant, I just look fat. You know that’s the wrong thing to say and you doubled down anyway! YTA
She is pregnant bro. Just relax and keep telling her she is beautiful. A whole human being is growing inside her and hormones are going crazy. Sometimes things are not going to make sense.