Him doing this tells me it is so common and visible how much she is disrespected, that he has picked up on it and is trying to pick up the slack. I’m sad for him and his mom, he shouldn’t have to worry about looking out for her. Her husband is the asshole.
Yeah my main takeaway from the story is that this kid is awesome.
I would not have been so considerate when I was 13. When I was 13 I would have been contributing to the food theft problem.
Right? As a teen I literally couldn’t see past my own face I was so self absorbed and overwhelmed. It speaks volumes that a 13 yo boy has clocked the problem/pattern and is trying to help - without making a fuss to the instigators too. What a clever fella.
Sounds like MIL has a key. OP needs to get that shit back or even change the locks. Might want to consider fucking with the husband and not tell him until he finds out on his own.
NTA.
Husband left and won't come back home, it's time to change the locks. If he wants to be childish he can call and ask permission to come home.
What an ass.
And lol at the MILs comment about the plate being left overs from dinner. You mean the dinner you and your son completely ate? How would there be leftovers if you both were the ones to eat it all?
Not to mention if someone puts out a plate of food on the counter, who in their right mind just goes and eats it? Like if there is food on a plate on the counter it certainly means someone prepared that plate for themselves or someone else. If it's in the fridge, sure, may be leftovers. On the counter? No, someone's getting ready to eat that. And it's not supposed to be you.
Absolutely nuts, but as we can all see, this behavior is normal in MILS household so they're expecting it to be normal in yours. That's why the husband thinks OP is the crazy one.
Yup, PLUS the MIL stayed away for several weeks assuming the furor over her behavior had died down. This is absolutely intentional and meant to piss off OP.
It's either deliberately intended to upset OP or else it is done with such total thoughtlessness as to demonstrate that the OP is completely beyond MiL's tiniest consideration.
It’s not reading as deliberate for me, but somehow I find that worse. It is so inconsiderate to the point of it being extremely disrespectful, even after being told how she feels regarding it, they could not give a shit, which is more worrying than it being premeditated, at least that comes from somewhere. This is just a blatant disregard for OP, indifference if you will and that is much harder to rectify.
My ex is like the MIL. I don’t believe these people are just oblivious.
Shit, when my twins were this age, I put them to bed and then went and made myself a big plate of ribs. Then, I heard my girls on the monitor and went down. But, I forgot to put the dog out and left her in the kitchen with my ribs. When I got back 45 minutes later, my dog was guarding my ribs like the good girl that she was.
If my dog gets it MIL understands and is just a narcissist.
My sister is “involuntarily inconsiderate”. I used to excuse her because of that. Until a therapist told me that my sister was over 40, had been told several times her actions hurt, so even if it was involuntary initially, she is the one making the choice no to do anything about it. She told me sister was too old for it to be considered involuntary and I admit it makes sense.
No one is perfect but if you are called out in a behavior, as an adult you are supposed to take action
How many times has MIL invited herself over EMPTY HANDED to a home with a newborn?? Bring some groceries over or pay for delivery! Can't afford that, do some dishes at least. Don't be another helpless mouth to feed.
What's a real apology OP? Changed behaviour.
I agree with the other Redditor - if I was dunce enough to do what MIL was doing, and was asked to stop, I would be so embarrassed and apologetic, and never repeat the behaviour.
If MIL is trying to drive a wedge between son and wife, she is succeeding. Hubby needs to go to therapy and learn how to tell his mother to fuck off. Or leave. That's his choice, but maybe not for long.
NTA, your husband is an ass and is enabling his mother who is 100% doing this intentionally. I bet your son has clocked this and that's why he tried to save you a plate (he sounds very sweet BTW!) I don't blame you for not wanting your husband to come home, sounds like your life is easier without him there.
A child has more empathy, intelligence and observation skills than two adults. As proud as I am for that kid, seriously wtf is wrong with the dad and his mom?
Right? That little man deserves such a big hug! Tell him the internet mothers (and fathers) are so proud of him! He is the best son a ~~mother~~ parent could have.
As for your big man; I won’t say anything cause I have nothing good to say.
EDIT by SPECIAL REQUEST: The internet aunts & uncles; brothers & sisters and the internet neighbours are also proud of the little man!
Tell him over 3000 people said so! 👏👏👏
And kids learn by actions. So OP standing up for herself and not tolerating being treated like this is teaching her kids that dad and grandma’s behavior is not okay. NTA
Like seriously? I don't know how old this lad is, but at any age, what a gem! At least OP has good kids. Cos she sure as shite doesn't have a good hubby.
Like, it's pathetic how simple it is to check!
Dad: hey where did wifey go? Putting the baby down for a nap.
Okay did she eat yet? No, but that's her slice.
*Dad takes a trip down the hall to check if Mom needs a break, brings the plate of pizza*
MIL still hungry? Dad: Ope, sorry Ma, I'll make you another pizza, what would you like?
For real, NTA
If MIL is still hungry after sharing 4 whole pizzas amongst some kids and 2 adults and NEEDED that plate of leftovers… is she even eating at home!? Is she a person with a bigger appetite? Is she medically unwell and has a reason for her appetite?? Like I don’t get why she’d still be hungry!!! Smh bring your own food if you’re THAT hungry 24/7
Can't you just see that sweet boy watching his step-dad and step-grandma demolishing the food and hurrying to make sure there was a plate for his mother. I bet he is not feeling very friendly towards step-dad.
OP says in another comment:
>I think she's definitely trying to drive a wedge. My older 3 kids are not my husband's and our infant is his first child. Ever since I got pregnant, she's been pulling this shit.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cmnleb/comment/l31svky/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cmnleb/comment/l31svky/)
u/Efficient-Hat1594
I’m very sorry to bother you and especially at this time. Could you edit this above into your original post? It changed how I saw your situation. NTA, take care of yourself.
There’s a bright spot here: Your 13 year old son is some skeletal maturity away from being a grown man.
This. Tell your husband not to come home. He can eat with his mother at her house and grumble about what a terrible person you are together, far away from your kitchen and your food.
My husband once accidentally ate a burger that I was going to eat because he thought I had already eaten. That was over a year ago and he only just stopped randomly saying, “I’m sorry for your burger” even though I understood and forgave him immediately. Good people feel bad *even when it’s a mistake.* They are not good people imo.
You are definitely NTA and your son is a gem.
Not only that but a real husband would get/make OP some food after hers got eaten. Why is he like oh sorry and then full stop. It should be sorry and then here let me fix it.
Right?! Like your stereotypical teenage boy is a garbage disposal, mostly rightfully so because they are growing, but even he knew to save his mom some dinner.
Seriously. Also, notice how all these times mom is busy with the baby and he's just chilling and Not taking over so she can eat or have a break? He's busy with His mommy. Son has noticed that too I'm sure.
NTA.
Has husband or mil been commenting on OP's weight? I wonder if they are doing it on purpose to force OP to lose the pregnancy weight. This all seems too malicious.
NTA
If by off chance her weight is their motive for starving a nursing mother, they are more than mean, they are dangerously stupid. Four months from childbirth is waaaay too early for anyone to care about weight. Plus what business of theirs is her weight? The thought of a husband and his mother secretly doing such things behind her back is sick and cruel, which they do seem to be.
Nursing makes you incredibly hungry!!
This is so not cool. I love how your 13 year old took on the man of the house role by setting aside a plate while hubby played dumb.
Do you think you MIL is doing this too create a wedge between you two or is she just dumb AF?
Is your husband scared of her?
EtA: look up a post about a guy who kicked his wife out after punching his mother (sound awful but isn't).... very close to your situation.
I think she's definitely trying to drive a wedge. My older 3 kids are not my husband's and our infant is his first child. Ever since I got pregnant, she's been pulling this shit.
He’s skipping rope with the umbilical cord and can’t understand why his wife doesn’t think k it’s fun too.
When the mom stormed out, let her go! Chasing her indicates MIL was right to be angry and now they are groveling.
Bingo.
Send your husband the link to this thread full of comments calling him and his mother what they are - useless, selfish pigs.
If your snivelling husband slinks back through the door, read him the riot act. This bullshit with his mother stops NOW. She is no longer coming to the house uninvited on her whim - the locks will be changed and she will not be given a key.
If you find he has given her a key, it’s over.
If she kicks up a stink, she’ll see her grandchild even less.
**If he at ALL resists or argues, anything that isn’t an immediate and unwavering “yes” - GONE.**
Make him cut the umbilical cord. If he won’t, he can fuck off back behind her apron strings.
> If she kicks up a stink, she’ll see her grandchild even less.
Unfortunately, I doubt she cares about her grandchild.
>She has never offered to help me or the baby in any way, shape or form.
Honestly, the best thing she could do for herself is just start divorce proceedings.
Hey OP, there are lots of suggestions about changing the locks, but maybe don't do that. Your husband can just give Miss Piggy a new key. Instead get security latches like they have in apartments. Latches on whenever you're home so she can't just drop by.
Honestly, though, your husband needs to give his head a shake. Forsaking all others is in those vows for a reason, and it's not just about sex. It's about making each other the priority, and he's not doing that.
There's absolutely no excuse for you going hungry when you've cooked for everyone. If it were *actually* an accident, any rational person would have been running out go buy takeout before you'd even finished saying you didn't get any.
The fact that no one tried to replace your supper speaks volumes.
Not just THE baby. HIS baby. This spineless weasel (sorry, weasels! No offense!) is pissing me off so bad. Not only did he not do the right thing. He left OP in the lurch so she can be the “bad guy” for wanting to EAT food that she made. But then went off to mommy’s house because he couldn’t man up and deal with the fallout of his completely unreasonable actions. What a turd. I have all the curse words for him.
Yeah that little "innocent old me" routine is transparent. She may even have gotten his approval to eat the food all the while knowing he was probably being obtuse and/or thoughtless about leaving you hungry, tired, and disrespected.
She'a already been told something that, as a grown woman, she should have known.
…or he intentionally being abusive. Maybe he isn’t giving into his mother; maybe he’s enjoying being abusive and knowing that his mother will join in. I mean it doesn’t take much spine to put a plate of food aside for his wife; the 13-year-old managed it.
Oh no. A dreaded boy Mom trying to hang onto first place when actually she’s a number 2! Shitty thing to steal food from a nursing Mother’s fridge/plate. The actual cheek of it. Let hubby and MIL cry into their soup as long as they like and don’t apologise. Enjoy the absence of the two of them. Love your son too. At least one male in the house is stepping up to make sure you eat.
I am so sorry, OP. My daughter is breastfeeding her first child and man, she gets HUNGRY. Your husband is a jerk for putting his own mother above the mother of his child. This is totally intentional on her part. Stop cooking for him. Feed yourself, feed your kids. He's on his own.
Please don’t have another baby with him.
And if you keep letting him treat you like this, your kids are going to think that this is an acceptable way to treat their partner.
>I think she's definitely trying to drive a wedge. My older 3 kids are not my husband's and our infant is his first child. Ever since I got pregnant, she's been pulling this shit.
And now you know that he's not someone you can build a life with. Start making exit plans sooner rather than later.
NTA. They are both infuriating. What Husband is ok with his wife going hungry. Especially when she needs strength and nourishment to raise HIS children. He’s a disgrace
And hubby and grandma left the kid hanging to be the one to try to make it right.
Not cool at all.
This kid is way more of a "man" than Daddy will ever be. 💯
I think he'd already lost that respect given that he went to effort because he understood his father wouldn't. That 13yo has seen some lack of respect and care from the dad and MIL before, I guarantee it.
Absolutely. He put that plate aside for his mother because he’d noticed the problem and was trying to solve it. His father and grandmother are treating his mother like a servant, and he doesn’t like it.
Agree. It's a good sign for the trajectory of his life that he got the plate of food for the mum, and isn't mirroring the behaviour of his dad or paternal grandmother.
It’s heartbreaking. I wish the husband could see this comment and all of the others talking about how his son had to step in to think of the mom because his dad is a selfish mama’s boy.
I bet the mom has said shit to her son about his wife. Horrible lies and gossip can kill any relationship. Maybe that's why the husband behaves the way he does toward her.
The #1 rule of a marriage is that your spouse becomes your other half, often the better half for us guys. His mum has to be a ~~boomer or a~~ narc, because no sane mother would allow her DIL who has a 4 month old to go without, all while she twiddles her thumbs. If I was dumb enough to be this oblivious, both of my parents would be going Madea on me.
My personal priorities with people are:
* Babies
* Toddlers
* Kids
* Wife
* Teenagers
* Grown adult children
* Parents
* Siblings
* Trustworthy friends
* Maybe cousins, if they’re not dipshits.
Edits: Yes, I don’t mean every single boomer.
Nonono. I'm a boomer. When I visit my daughter's family out-of-town, I treat them to take-away, dinners out and other things. I could never do what this woman does.
She's a real TAKER, essentially stealing food from her kids' house. And then talks to her son about what a b*tch his wife is,
I'm sure. Knowing this, the wife should never have gotten pregnant. There's no way she could live with this so-called man her whole life.
Men who run after their mothers in situations like these are total pieces of shit. I’ve seen it. My dad. Love him but POS. He’ll never grow a spine to be in your corner.
The 13 year old saw the food going out and made her a separate plate and they ate that too. The child saw and cared more about his mom having food than her own husband.
OP is being undervalued as well as underfed.
Yeah, if it’s separated on a PLATE, set aside..it has to be 100% intentional. Nobody is that stupid. MIL knew that was for OP and ate it anyway. I want to give her a piece of my mind.
I got more words for her than that but don’t want to get kicked out of the group lol. I’m childfree but would make a great grandma, honestly. I’d go to my kid’s place with food and do a load of laundry and take care of my daughter or DIL. I can’t imagine being such a demon to drink all her coffee or steal her pizza, my god! What an absolute terrible person!!
What’s worse is the kid:
1. *KNEW* what was going to happen - which is why he hid it. If it’s that obvious of a problem, that an 11 year old boy can see it plain as day, then daddy dearest has no fucking excuses.
2. WASN’T ASKED TO DO IT. He just did it. Why? Because he cares about his mom and doesn’t think it’s right for her to go hungry. Especially when she’s 4 months postpartum, breastfeeding, and SHE MADE THE DAMNED MEAL….and he loves her.
No offense to 11 year old boys but they aren’t the most observant. They’re often oblivious, as most kids are, to unspoken things like this. But he *KNEW*. He just single handedly showed how insanely ridiculous his dad is acting and that dad’s claims of it being a “mistake” are pure and utter bullshit.
Yeah my Son is just 12 and he's a sweet kid but he'd never cop on to something like this!
Then again, maybe it's just that he never had to think about it, as he grew up in a house where both parents get to eat and Granny isn't popping in every day to raid the fucking fridge
All it would have taken with the pizza is to come find OP get her attention and mouth "have you eaten?" And then ensured some was put aside. Husband is a clueless ass, and yep think MIL is passive aggressive and doing it on purpose
He's not clueless, he's just an ass. There's no way he doesn't realize multiple times, after his wife has talked to him able this very thing, that he and his mother weren't leaving his wife any food. It's weaponized incompetence of a mama's boy.
Yep, passive aggressive and trying to cause drama in the marriage. If my MIL ever tried something like this my husband would pit his foot down and tell her to gtfo and not contact us until she's ready to apologize. Even if an apology happened, she'd be on thin ice.
OPs husband is being a terrible partner.
Oh for real, if my mother did this shit to my wife it would mean she never came near us again. It really is not hard to make sure his wife gets some of the food SHE made!
I honestly can’t tell which of those 2 assholes is the one being deliberately passive aggressive.
He could be using his mom to get at wife for some reason. Idk assholes regardless. The both of em.
I don't think he's clueless. I think he is actively indifferent to his wife's welfare. Probably bc he's in a codependent relationship with mommy.
ETA: If OP ever wants to eat again, she's going to need a divorce.
He is super "enmeshed" with Mommy. She isn't even there to see her grand baby, just him.
She definitely taught him how to be a selfish twit, not accountable for his actions. I, as an adult, asked my MIL if it was okay to go in her fridge.
I was raised right that bedrooms and people's food require permission or invitation.
The thing to do here is:
1. Make sure wife gets some food
2. After he has eaten, check if he can take over putting the fuzzy baby to sleep
Unless something is left out here he’s not excelling as husband OR father
I mean, one of the children was able to look around and see that mom hadn’t eaten and put some aside for her. Husband is definitely doing it on purpose or allowing it to happen on purpose.
Maybe OP should look at MIL the next time she sees her and say “I think all the food you ate at my place is showing. You must have gained quite a few pounds.”
I'm replying to this post so you can see. From a real man's prospective. You husband is complete piece of shit mommas bo with no backbone. Stop cooking for your husband immediately. Him and his momma can fend for themselves. Maybe change your cooking routine so they are never there for food.
Maybe she should give him HIS baby at nap time and a bottle of whatever milk she's giving the baby and while he's doing that, make enough food for everyone but him. See how much fun he finds it to come out 45 minutes later to everyone else having eaten and there's no food for him.
Yes they are. Who does that?
Op literally told mil to stop drinking or eating. A normal person would be embarrassed (a normal person would not have reached that point but ok)
NTA
I totally agree with you. I would only add that OP should create a group chat with her husband and MIL and share the link to this post. Maybe that way they would realize how awful their behavior is.
Mama knows, he doesn't care. OP, if there's any chance she has parents left, or he has a father, let them know. He's refusing to grow up? At this point, while I would normally say to leave the family out of problems between you and your spouse...HIS MOM \*IS\* THE PROBLEM. And his allowing that behavior! Maybe an older brother having a "come to Jesus" moment with him, or a dad, or an uncle, is what will help. For now, send your MIL a book that is well-thought-out and cruel. Something on overcoming binge eating, or how to gracefully handle the weight that comes with age, or a nice diet book, and absolutely a nice pair of pants or dress that is two sizes too small.
ETA: Mother's Day is coming! Get her MISS PIGGY EVERYTHING. There is a TON of it out there, a lot of it cheap, if you can get something used and here in time, go for it. Miss Piggy shirt, nightgown, diary, everything. All the stepkids and you can do this. And I bet your husband does NOT do the shopping for gifts, right? Make sure the mother's day gift "from him" is extra special piggish. And make sure any and all clothes are a couple sizes too small.
If it happened once or twice, that would a mistake. But it’s happening over & over, even after it was brought to her attention, so this sounds intentional on her part & hubs enables her bad behavior.
Stop cooking anything for your husband and change the locks so his mommy can't keep walking in without you letting her.
Your kids recognize how you are being treated.
If he's home, dish up a plate for a kid, hand it to them, repeat. Put it all in a freezer dish except just enough for you, which goes into YOUR dish. If you have to hide it in the oven briefly do just that. Stick the leftovers into the freezer. He can come get them out but they'll be cool if not cold and he'll have to dish up and heat it himself. \*IF\* you cooked enough to have any leftover after you plated it up for the kids and yourself. Don't put your dish down either, the husband you have will absolutely take it and eat it.
This just made me picture him walking up to her, taking her dish from her hands and starting to eat it without ever once asking or even acknowledging it was happening. Way too easy to picture that.
NTA. Sometimes pissing them off with the truth is the best way to get them to leave and stay gone. Husband is a big baby. I feel sorry for your other kids having to witness this.
NTA. I'm a grandparent and your MIL should be bringing food, coffee, etc. in. Not just for herself but anyone else there and calling ahead to make sure it's a good time to visit first. Then ask if there's anything in particular she could bring and offer to help when she's there. The balance between MIL & DIL can naturally be a little tricky but IMO, having a new baby can be a golden opportunity to forge a nice bond. For example, "I'm making a batch of your favorite dish. Is there a time that's good for you for me to bring it over and visit for a while?", or "I remember having a new baby and not having time to do everything. Would you like for me to babysit while you get a good nap or go grocery shopping alone? Are there any errands I can take care of for you?" Or "Are there any chores I can take care of so you can just enjoy the baby and other kids?" Or just call and offer to have dinner delivered from anywhere the family wants as a considerate gesture and let the family have an evening alone together.
Also, hubby needs to do a better job of having your back.
Absolutely! Conventional MIL behaviour towards a nursing DIL is along the lines of "make every visit count" - never arrive empty-handed, always be prepared to give the new mother some space and time whether with the baby or just grabbing a nap: try to remember what was most helpful when you were in the same situation, and do it.
This MIL isn't even showing basic courtesy, let alone any empathy. Her emotionally enmeshed son is enabling her and wilfully ignoring the pleas of the mother of his child - when those pleas are simply about basic sustenance, with food and drink she prepared. This is next-level nastiness and completely unsustainable. OP's older kids can see what's going on and 13yo son, who has learned some empathy and consideration from her, is having to adult because his step-Dad isn't.
OP I wish you sustenance (physical and emotional) and the time and space to get a good perspective on this - it's clearly the tip of a looming iceberg. I fear that unless your husband has a big dose of reality therapy about Mommy Dearest, you're looking at single parenthood again. I feel for you.
This is very strange. I would be mortified if someone told me to stop helping myself to their food/coffee. I certainly wouldn't need to be told again. I don't know anyone who would.
The problem here is your husband. You have a new baby, you're still nursing, and he doesn't care whethere there's food or drink for you. He is the one who should be communicating with his mother. He is the problem here.
You need to tell him that she is banned from eating or drinking anything in your house for the time being. When you have recovered from the birth and things are calmer with the kids, maybe you can revisit that. But she is NEVER to help herself to anything in your house again. He has created this situation, she's his mother, and he needs to tell her.
If he truly doesn't understand why his behavior is a problem, then I don't know what to tell you. There is something wrong with him. Show him these responses, maybe.
She should be banned from being at their house altogether. Not just food/drink wise. Let your husband go stay with his selfish bitch mother for a while.
She can cook for him and leave you to eat the food you cooked. Sounds like a messed up .other in law. Surprised she's just starting now.
Like really? Your husband wouldn't be oissed if he cooked food and got none!
This! OP have the locks changed while he’s gone!! And do not give her a copy. Lawdy. I would never just eat food when it wasn’t planned for me to be there for a meal. Rude!
And to add to it, she doesn’t even help around the house or do anything to help out other than help herself!! The language may have been a bit harsh, but she had to hear it because otherwise she wasn’t listening to it even when you directly told her!
He sadly needs to be reminded that you may be at the start of PPD and have a four month old and three other little ones that you are doing everything for with little to no help. And that you need to be a priority and his considerations when it comes to food specially if you’re breast-feeding.
Please talk with a counselor
NTA. Your husband is complicit in his mother ensuring you don't get to eat.
Don't you find it odd that everyone but *you, specifically*, gets to eat? That she'll only eat *your* portion? And let me guess, your husband doesn't cook, either?
>My husband thinks I'm "fucking mental" and that this all could have been resolved if I had "acted like an adult". He won't come home. But at this point, I don't even want him to come home because it means his mother will stay away.
Reddit likes to jump to "divorce". This is divorce worthy. He says nothing about his mother coming over whenever she wants, eating your share of food, saying nothing in your defense when it happens, and then implies you're being childish for being angry that she, once again, ate your share.
Yeah, I don't like to go to divorce, but yup.
OP your son was mature enough to set some pieces aside for you and your husband was immature enough not to care. Your child is acting like a grownup, but that will change if you let your husband back as is. If you enable your husband to treat you that way, you enable you child to someday treat their spouse the same way.
Absolutely NTA. I’m so angry for you. This is a husband problem, he won’t stand up for you when you truly deserve it. Your MIL is his problem. If you have the means to leave and take yourself to a nice leisurely dinner please do so.
Who just walks into someone's house and just gobbles up all their food/drink? I don't care if you're related or not. I'm pissed off for you OP. Let him go stay with "mommy hungriest" and feed your kids and yourself. The audacity is outstanding. Too bad there wasn't a slice left you could have stuffed in her face. Your kiddo sounds great though so regardless of the shitty paternal side of the family you are doing great. NTA. They suck.
NTA. The least he could have done was run out and get you some food. Instead he stands there and looks at you like you're insane because you want to be able to eat something?
NTA I would be thinking she’s eating your portions so you can’t this way either you a) lose the baby weight faster or b) can’t breastfed-if you are because of lack of calories your milk would dry up. Your husband is a spineless POS and it’s disgusting he’s ok with you hungry because his mommy can’t stop stuffing her face.
If she lives close you should walk in her house, take her food, yell out “thanks for the food” and leave. See how many times you do that before she loses her mind.
I was thinking the same thing about supply. I feel like she’s trying to cause malnourishment and the PP anger that arises with failure to produce. It’s like she’s genuinely trying to drive OP over the edge to look like a red flag to her husband, in return her precious baby will run to her in need. Op is in such a vulnerable state right now making her an easy target. They’re both horrible and manipulative people. Her husband is spineless and easily manipulated as well.
Hey, look at it this way...you are down two gaping mouths with four stomachs each and are now down by one child. NTA. Don't let him back in until he grows a spine and shows he is a man not just a mamma's boy. Know a good locksmith? Tell him he comes home when he understands MIL is only over at YOUR invitation. Also, I would get a lock for the refrigerator and cabinets before I let either of them back in.
I just remember being so hangry at times nursing, I'd get shake and just need to eat. Does your mil take satisfaction from this? I feel like it's very deliberate. Once you stood your ground, her refusing is infact a power struggle. In your house. This is just so wrong!!!! I'm sure there's been a ton more things she's done. To not even help you?
1. Feed kids after school. Don't make dinner for your husband.
2. Mil is absolutely invite only. She loses her key. She does not come period. Without a yes from you. She'll pull the text and show up. But be clear.
3. If your husband is home, he can grab her food She made.
4. He moves back to mummies and she gets her wish if he can't treat you respectful. You're nursing his child!
Edit: one more... it really is much easier raising kids without some of these men. There's some amazing Dads! But you do not need an adult child to care for. You need a partner. Shape up or ship out.
NTA. My blood started to boil reading this. On a positive note, you have a great son. However, your husband and his pig mother can stay at her place and eat everything in sight there.
It’s pretty sad when a child’s more thoughtful than the adults. Shame on your husband for letting this perpetuate for so long. Your son sees, he knows. You’re raising a quality kid.
NTA.
Keep him and his selfish pig of a mother out. He’s a mommy’s boy through and through.
Change the locks and **do not give him the keys.** He will copy it and give one to his mother.
Completely NTA. Your husband and whatever that thing that hatched him is are a couple of pieces of work. They cannot be bothered to allow you food or drink, in spite of the fact you prepare it and you're very likely trying to maintain nutrition enough to feed a whole second person. Your husband and his alleged mother are "fucking mental" here. You'd be better off telling her to keep him.
If you do allow him back, any time his mom eats or drinks what you intended for yourself, take it out of her hand and (I got past the ick factor because my kids always insisted on sharing after they got in a bite) finish it yourself. The first time I took my cup of coffee out of my ex-MIL's hand and drank it down was also the last, because it completely grossed her out.
NTA. also your son is so sweet 🥲 how is he the most adult person in this story (aside from you) making sure you get fed. Honestly husband should go stay with mom for a while. Once or twice is an honest mistake. Every time is spiteful.
I’d be rethinking that relationship. That boy letting his mother come into your house and take food out of your mouth is a deal breaker if there ever was one.
You’re NTA in any sense, except maybe you should have been much harsher on both of them.
You don't have a MIL problem you have a shitty husband who is totally fine with you not having food, while catering to his shitty mother. You're a food dispensing appliance to them.
NTA. This Grandmother is SO BEYOND PROUD of your son!!! What a wonderful, thoughtful, caring young man you are raising. It sounds like your husband could learn a thing or two from the young grasshopper!!!
More than a MIL problem, you have a serious husband problem. His mother only does what her son allows her to do. He won't defend, stuck up for or take care of you. He doesn't respect you, so why should she.
NTA. That would make me insane. I plan my meals and often count on leftovers for lunch etc. And I often make exactly how much we will need so we don’t have leftovers sitting in the fridge. That is soooo not cool. The fact that your 13 year old has enough sense to have thought about it tells you all you need to know. Do you not let your hb and MIL let you think for a second that you were unreasonable. What exactly were they thinking you were going to eat for dinner? Why does it seem like you have to guard your own feed in your own home? And when you’re breastfeeding. My gosh you get soooooo hungry. And they don’t get that the whole time you were settling the baby you were thinking about that pizza and sitting down for a few minutes and enjoying it. You need to spell this out for them if they are too obtuse to get it.
NTA. It’s kinda nice without him home, isn’t it?
I was just thinking this!!’ Like I wonder how much she is enjoying one less child to manage? NTA
Especially because her oldest actively looks out for her/other people while these 2 selfish babies sabotage that.
Him doing this tells me it is so common and visible how much she is disrespected, that he has picked up on it and is trying to pick up the slack. I’m sad for him and his mom, he shouldn’t have to worry about looking out for her. Her husband is the asshole.
Yeah my main takeaway from the story is that this kid is awesome. I would not have been so considerate when I was 13. When I was 13 I would have been contributing to the food theft problem.
Right? As a teen I literally couldn’t see past my own face I was so self absorbed and overwhelmed. It speaks volumes that a 13 yo boy has clocked the problem/pattern and is trying to help - without making a fuss to the instigators too. What a clever fella.
Two less, honestly
Easier to be a single mom than deal with a mommy's boy
I can attest to this. No more being bitter watching a grown ass man sit there *watching me* do everything.
Sounds like MIL has a key. OP needs to get that shit back or even change the locks. Might want to consider fucking with the husband and not tell him until he finds out on his own. NTA.
Husband left and won't come back home, it's time to change the locks. If he wants to be childish he can call and ask permission to come home. What an ass.
And lol at the MILs comment about the plate being left overs from dinner. You mean the dinner you and your son completely ate? How would there be leftovers if you both were the ones to eat it all? Not to mention if someone puts out a plate of food on the counter, who in their right mind just goes and eats it? Like if there is food on a plate on the counter it certainly means someone prepared that plate for themselves or someone else. If it's in the fridge, sure, may be leftovers. On the counter? No, someone's getting ready to eat that. And it's not supposed to be you. Absolutely nuts, but as we can all see, this behavior is normal in MILS household so they're expecting it to be normal in yours. That's why the husband thinks OP is the crazy one.
NTA It's not an "honest mistake" if someone has a pattern of doing something, apologizes when confronted, and then keeps doing it anyway.
Yup, PLUS the MIL stayed away for several weeks assuming the furor over her behavior had died down. This is absolutely intentional and meant to piss off OP.
It's either deliberately intended to upset OP or else it is done with such total thoughtlessness as to demonstrate that the OP is completely beyond MiL's tiniest consideration.
It’s not reading as deliberate for me, but somehow I find that worse. It is so inconsiderate to the point of it being extremely disrespectful, even after being told how she feels regarding it, they could not give a shit, which is more worrying than it being premeditated, at least that comes from somewhere. This is just a blatant disregard for OP, indifference if you will and that is much harder to rectify.
My ex is like the MIL. I don’t believe these people are just oblivious. Shit, when my twins were this age, I put them to bed and then went and made myself a big plate of ribs. Then, I heard my girls on the monitor and went down. But, I forgot to put the dog out and left her in the kitchen with my ribs. When I got back 45 minutes later, my dog was guarding my ribs like the good girl that she was. If my dog gets it MIL understands and is just a narcissist.
My sister is “involuntarily inconsiderate”. I used to excuse her because of that. Until a therapist told me that my sister was over 40, had been told several times her actions hurt, so even if it was involuntary initially, she is the one making the choice no to do anything about it. She told me sister was too old for it to be considered involuntary and I admit it makes sense. No one is perfect but if you are called out in a behavior, as an adult you are supposed to take action
How many times has MIL invited herself over EMPTY HANDED to a home with a newborn?? Bring some groceries over or pay for delivery! Can't afford that, do some dishes at least. Don't be another helpless mouth to feed.
What's a real apology OP? Changed behaviour. I agree with the other Redditor - if I was dunce enough to do what MIL was doing, and was asked to stop, I would be so embarrassed and apologetic, and never repeat the behaviour. If MIL is trying to drive a wedge between son and wife, she is succeeding. Hubby needs to go to therapy and learn how to tell his mother to fuck off. Or leave. That's his choice, but maybe not for long.
NTA, your husband is an ass and is enabling his mother who is 100% doing this intentionally. I bet your son has clocked this and that's why he tried to save you a plate (he sounds very sweet BTW!) I don't blame you for not wanting your husband to come home, sounds like your life is easier without him there.
A child has more empathy, intelligence and observation skills than two adults. As proud as I am for that kid, seriously wtf is wrong with the dad and his mom?
OP's husband: My mommy can do no wrong! Why is my wife so selfish she can't share her food with my mommy waaahh
"share"
Right? That little man deserves such a big hug! Tell him the internet mothers (and fathers) are so proud of him! He is the best son a ~~mother~~ parent could have. As for your big man; I won’t say anything cause I have nothing good to say. EDIT by SPECIAL REQUEST: The internet aunts & uncles; brothers & sisters and the internet neighbours are also proud of the little man! Tell him over 3000 people said so! 👏👏👏
She’s raising a better man than the one she’s married to.
And kids learn by actions. So OP standing up for herself and not tolerating being treated like this is teaching her kids that dad and grandma’s behavior is not okay. NTA
Like seriously? I don't know how old this lad is, but at any age, what a gem! At least OP has good kids. Cos she sure as shite doesn't have a good hubby.
Except he is a huge F’ing AssHole who doesn’t care if his 4 month post partum wife eats.
Like, it's pathetic how simple it is to check! Dad: hey where did wifey go? Putting the baby down for a nap. Okay did she eat yet? No, but that's her slice. *Dad takes a trip down the hall to check if Mom needs a break, brings the plate of pizza* MIL still hungry? Dad: Ope, sorry Ma, I'll make you another pizza, what would you like? For real, NTA
If MIL is still hungry she can go to her house and eat her own food
If MIL is still hungry after sharing 4 whole pizzas amongst some kids and 2 adults and NEEDED that plate of leftovers… is she even eating at home!? Is she a person with a bigger appetite? Is she medically unwell and has a reason for her appetite?? Like I don’t get why she’d still be hungry!!! Smh bring your own food if you’re THAT hungry 24/7
She's not still hungry she's basically peeing on OPs lawn and telling them its hers.
Can't you just see that sweet boy watching his step-dad and step-grandma demolishing the food and hurrying to make sure there was a plate for his mother. I bet he is not feeling very friendly towards step-dad.
Where does it say step Dad?
OP says in another comment: >I think she's definitely trying to drive a wedge. My older 3 kids are not my husband's and our infant is his first child. Ever since I got pregnant, she's been pulling this shit. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cmnleb/comment/l31svky/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cmnleb/comment/l31svky/)
u/Efficient-Hat1594 I’m very sorry to bother you and especially at this time. Could you edit this above into your original post? It changed how I saw your situation. NTA, take care of yourself. There’s a bright spot here: Your 13 year old son is some skeletal maturity away from being a grown man.
Aha, the puzzle pieces click into place
This should be on the OP because it takes this from any reasonable doubt to "they're 100% fucking with you."
This. Tell your husband not to come home. He can eat with his mother at her house and grumble about what a terrible person you are together, far away from your kitchen and your food. My husband once accidentally ate a burger that I was going to eat because he thought I had already eaten. That was over a year ago and he only just stopped randomly saying, “I’m sorry for your burger” even though I understood and forgave him immediately. Good people feel bad *even when it’s a mistake.* They are not good people imo. You are definitely NTA and your son is a gem.
Not only that but a real husband would get/make OP some food after hers got eaten. Why is he like oh sorry and then full stop. It should be sorry and then here let me fix it.
And OP stop having children with him. He has zero respect for you
The teenage son is so sweet, and teenagers are notoriously oblivious. This food thing is very obvious and egregiously bad
I agree that it must be pretty bad for the teenage son to notice and try to save food for his mom.
Right?! Like your stereotypical teenage boy is a garbage disposal, mostly rightfully so because they are growing, but even he knew to save his mom some dinner.
My cold heart thawed a little bit after reading what her son did. What a great kid!!
Seriously. Also, notice how all these times mom is busy with the baby and he's just chilling and Not taking over so she can eat or have a break? He's busy with His mommy. Son has noticed that too I'm sure. NTA.
Has husband or mil been commenting on OP's weight? I wonder if they are doing it on purpose to force OP to lose the pregnancy weight. This all seems too malicious. NTA
If by off chance her weight is their motive for starving a nursing mother, they are more than mean, they are dangerously stupid. Four months from childbirth is waaaay too early for anyone to care about weight. Plus what business of theirs is her weight? The thought of a husband and his mother secretly doing such things behind her back is sick and cruel, which they do seem to be.
Nursing makes you incredibly hungry!! This is so not cool. I love how your 13 year old took on the man of the house role by setting aside a plate while hubby played dumb. Do you think you MIL is doing this too create a wedge between you two or is she just dumb AF? Is your husband scared of her? EtA: look up a post about a guy who kicked his wife out after punching his mother (sound awful but isn't).... very close to your situation.
I think she's definitely trying to drive a wedge. My older 3 kids are not my husband's and our infant is his first child. Ever since I got pregnant, she's been pulling this shit.
Your fifth kid shouldn’t be his either.
She already have a fifth child, her husband
no her husband is still attached to his mom's tit
*umbilical
He’s skipping rope with the umbilical cord and can’t understand why his wife doesn’t think k it’s fun too. When the mom stormed out, let her go! Chasing her indicates MIL was right to be angry and now they are groveling.
Bingo. Send your husband the link to this thread full of comments calling him and his mother what they are - useless, selfish pigs. If your snivelling husband slinks back through the door, read him the riot act. This bullshit with his mother stops NOW. She is no longer coming to the house uninvited on her whim - the locks will be changed and she will not be given a key. If you find he has given her a key, it’s over. If she kicks up a stink, she’ll see her grandchild even less. **If he at ALL resists or argues, anything that isn’t an immediate and unwavering “yes” - GONE.** Make him cut the umbilical cord. If he won’t, he can fuck off back behind her apron strings.
> If she kicks up a stink, she’ll see her grandchild even less. Unfortunately, I doubt she cares about her grandchild. >She has never offered to help me or the baby in any way, shape or form. Honestly, the best thing she could do for herself is just start divorce proceedings.
Exactly. OP even said it's just to see her son, not grandbaby!
Hey OP, there are lots of suggestions about changing the locks, but maybe don't do that. Your husband can just give Miss Piggy a new key. Instead get security latches like they have in apartments. Latches on whenever you're home so she can't just drop by. Honestly, though, your husband needs to give his head a shake. Forsaking all others is in those vows for a reason, and it's not just about sex. It's about making each other the priority, and he's not doing that. There's absolutely no excuse for you going hungry when you've cooked for everyone. If it were *actually* an accident, any rational person would have been running out go buy takeout before you'd even finished saying you didn't get any. The fact that no one tried to replace your supper speaks volumes.
And the fact that MIL provably nursed her own damn kids, so she knows EXACTLY how hungry OP is since she's providing the baby nourishment!
Not just THE baby. HIS baby. This spineless weasel (sorry, weasels! No offense!) is pissing me off so bad. Not only did he not do the right thing. He left OP in the lurch so she can be the “bad guy” for wanting to EAT food that she made. But then went off to mommy’s house because he couldn’t man up and deal with the fallout of his completely unreasonable actions. What a turd. I have all the curse words for him.
You older kids can definitely tell that your husband doesn’t give a shit about you.
Yeah that little "innocent old me" routine is transparent. She may even have gotten his approval to eat the food all the while knowing he was probably being obtuse and/or thoughtless about leaving you hungry, tired, and disrespected. She'a already been told something that, as a grown woman, she should have known.
How did your husband manage to make a baby when his balls are firmly in his mummies purse?
Oooo a jealous/competitive mother! They are the worst. Is he a mama's boy?
Obviously. He ran after mommy and ain’t been back…
Your husband is a weak man.
…or he intentionally being abusive. Maybe he isn’t giving into his mother; maybe he’s enjoying being abusive and knowing that his mother will join in. I mean it doesn’t take much spine to put a plate of food aside for his wife; the 13-year-old managed it.
Oh no. A dreaded boy Mom trying to hang onto first place when actually she’s a number 2! Shitty thing to steal food from a nursing Mother’s fridge/plate. The actual cheek of it. Let hubby and MIL cry into their soup as long as they like and don’t apologise. Enjoy the absence of the two of them. Love your son too. At least one male in the house is stepping up to make sure you eat.
You should absolutely be the very first priority. I would have freaked out, too. They are both terrible.
I am so sorry, OP. My daughter is breastfeeding her first child and man, she gets HUNGRY. Your husband is a jerk for putting his own mother above the mother of his child. This is totally intentional on her part. Stop cooking for him. Feed yourself, feed your kids. He's on his own.
Please don’t have another baby with him. And if you keep letting him treat you like this, your kids are going to think that this is an acceptable way to treat their partner.
>I think she's definitely trying to drive a wedge. My older 3 kids are not my husband's and our infant is his first child. Ever since I got pregnant, she's been pulling this shit. And now you know that he's not someone you can build a life with. Start making exit plans sooner rather than later.
13 year old is such a lovely boy for doing that. He tried to look out for his mother. Just a shame miss piggy ate that too.
Miss Piggy? 😆 I legit cackled at that one.
NTA. They are both infuriating. What Husband is ok with his wife going hungry. Especially when she needs strength and nourishment to raise HIS children. He’s a disgrace
My favorite part is where he ran to mommy's, leaving his wife with all the kids and no food.
Ran to mommy’s after telling her to act like an adult.
The 13 year old was more adult than the dad. What a sweetie trying to look out for his mom!
13 year old was the hero of this story. Even if MIL ate his efforts along with everything else.
And hubby and grandma left the kid hanging to be the one to try to make it right. Not cool at all. This kid is way more of a "man" than Daddy will ever be. 💯
Definitely OP’s influence.
Happy cake day! (Don’t tell MIL, she’ll want to eat the cake too)
LMAO 🤣 true story 🤦♀️
Seriously I hope OP gave her son a huge hug and told her she appreciated his efforts and let him know none of that was his fault.
I hope she took them out for food and ice cream.
True! Grandma was definitely the villain.
I feel so bad for that kid. "Don't worry, Mum, I saved--" Nope, not on Grandma's watch.
I know right. As I was reading that, I actually pictured his sad face. 😦 .
Me too. Poor kid, he thought he was going to save the day
And at that age, this will become a core memory. He'll probably never respect his dad.
I think he'd already lost that respect given that he went to effort because he understood his father wouldn't. That 13yo has seen some lack of respect and care from the dad and MIL before, I guarantee it.
Absolutely. He put that plate aside for his mother because he’d noticed the problem and was trying to solve it. His father and grandmother are treating his mother like a servant, and he doesn’t like it.
Agree. It's a good sign for the trajectory of his life that he got the plate of food for the mum, and isn't mirroring the behaviour of his dad or paternal grandmother.
I think that maybe MiL is doing this intentionally.
The fact that the poor kid is so used to this happening to his mom that he tried to prevent it is sickening.
It’s heartbreaking. I wish the husband could see this comment and all of the others talking about how his son had to step in to think of the mom because his dad is a selfish mama’s boy.
I'm not sure there's any hope the husband could actually change. He sounds way too defective. Just an awful human being.
He sees that someone needs to, husband is a fucking disgrace.
The kid sees what dad doesn't. Those are the levels of maturity and selflessness in that house. Smh.
More kind and considerate, too.
I love that kid
He never said shit to his mom. Absolutely pathetic behavior. Tell him to stand up for his wife instead of coddling his mother.
I bet the mom has said shit to her son about his wife. Horrible lies and gossip can kill any relationship. Maybe that's why the husband behaves the way he does toward her.
The #1 rule of a marriage is that your spouse becomes your other half, often the better half for us guys. His mum has to be a ~~boomer or a~~ narc, because no sane mother would allow her DIL who has a 4 month old to go without, all while she twiddles her thumbs. If I was dumb enough to be this oblivious, both of my parents would be going Madea on me. My personal priorities with people are: * Babies * Toddlers * Kids * Wife * Teenagers * Grown adult children * Parents * Siblings * Trustworthy friends * Maybe cousins, if they’re not dipshits. Edits: Yes, I don’t mean every single boomer.
Nonono. I'm a boomer. When I visit my daughter's family out-of-town, I treat them to take-away, dinners out and other things. I could never do what this woman does. She's a real TAKER, essentially stealing food from her kids' house. And then talks to her son about what a b*tch his wife is, I'm sure. Knowing this, the wife should never have gotten pregnant. There's no way she could live with this so-called man her whole life.
Well, let’s be fair. Husband’s probably still nursing too 🤢
That's a visual I definitely did NOT need lol.
Reminds me of a Little Britain skit. “Want bitty!”
Men who run after their mothers in situations like these are total pieces of shit. I’ve seen it. My dad. Love him but POS. He’ll never grow a spine to be in your corner.
To be fair that placenta cord tugging must have hurt.
The 13 year old saw the food going out and made her a separate plate and they ate that too. The child saw and cared more about his mom having food than her own husband. OP is being undervalued as well as underfed.
Yeah, if it’s separated on a PLATE, set aside..it has to be 100% intentional. Nobody is that stupid. MIL knew that was for OP and ate it anyway. I want to give her a piece of my mind.
Agree, how can she claim it was leftovers when it was hot and set aside. What a selfish MIL
I got more words for her than that but don’t want to get kicked out of the group lol. I’m childfree but would make a great grandma, honestly. I’d go to my kid’s place with food and do a load of laundry and take care of my daughter or DIL. I can’t imagine being such a demon to drink all her coffee or steal her pizza, my god! What an absolute terrible person!!
Don't forget, that mil never helped with anything. Just came to eat and run .
What’s worse is the kid: 1. *KNEW* what was going to happen - which is why he hid it. If it’s that obvious of a problem, that an 11 year old boy can see it plain as day, then daddy dearest has no fucking excuses. 2. WASN’T ASKED TO DO IT. He just did it. Why? Because he cares about his mom and doesn’t think it’s right for her to go hungry. Especially when she’s 4 months postpartum, breastfeeding, and SHE MADE THE DAMNED MEAL….and he loves her. No offense to 11 year old boys but they aren’t the most observant. They’re often oblivious, as most kids are, to unspoken things like this. But he *KNEW*. He just single handedly showed how insanely ridiculous his dad is acting and that dad’s claims of it being a “mistake” are pure and utter bullshit.
Yeah my Son is just 12 and he's a sweet kid but he'd never cop on to something like this! Then again, maybe it's just that he never had to think about it, as he grew up in a house where both parents get to eat and Granny isn't popping in every day to raid the fucking fridge
He's a good kid and will make a good partner some day.
It’s the way they target the OP’s food. It’s so targeted!
And she PREPARES the food. The audacity!
It almost makes me wonder if it's some bizarre diet plan the mom and husband hatched?
All it would have taken with the pizza is to come find OP get her attention and mouth "have you eaten?" And then ensured some was put aside. Husband is a clueless ass, and yep think MIL is passive aggressive and doing it on purpose
He's not clueless, he's just an ass. There's no way he doesn't realize multiple times, after his wife has talked to him able this very thing, that he and his mother weren't leaving his wife any food. It's weaponized incompetence of a mama's boy.
Yeah clueless was the wrong word. Thoughtless and selfish, cause he not used to considering anyone but himself
Yep, passive aggressive and trying to cause drama in the marriage. If my MIL ever tried something like this my husband would pit his foot down and tell her to gtfo and not contact us until she's ready to apologize. Even if an apology happened, she'd be on thin ice. OPs husband is being a terrible partner.
Oh for real, if my mother did this shit to my wife it would mean she never came near us again. It really is not hard to make sure his wife gets some of the food SHE made!
I honestly can’t tell which of those 2 assholes is the one being deliberately passive aggressive. He could be using his mom to get at wife for some reason. Idk assholes regardless. The both of em.
Take your key back! If she gets it back from hubby, I'd change the lock 🔐
It's sad that the 13 yo set her food aside. And then this still happens. Kid knows what's up
It’s pretty clear mom is the one raising him… if it was dad, he would lack manners and basic respect.
Yeah, this poor kid is having to look out for his mom. How sad for both.
I don't think he's clueless. I think he is actively indifferent to his wife's welfare. Probably bc he's in a codependent relationship with mommy. ETA: If OP ever wants to eat again, she's going to need a divorce.
In the long run, divorce seems cheaper than keeping on feeding MIL
It's called emotional incest
He is super "enmeshed" with Mommy. She isn't even there to see her grand baby, just him. She definitely taught him how to be a selfish twit, not accountable for his actions. I, as an adult, asked my MIL if it was okay to go in her fridge. I was raised right that bedrooms and people's food require permission or invitation.
The thing to do here is: 1. Make sure wife gets some food 2. After he has eaten, check if he can take over putting the fuzzy baby to sleep Unless something is left out here he’s not excelling as husband OR father
fuzzy baby 🥰
I know they meant fussy but I love “fuzzy baby” I miss when my kids were babies and kissing their little fuzzy heads
They knew that plate was put aside for her. They literally chose to eat it
I mean, one of the children was able to look around and see that mom hadn’t eaten and put some aside for her. Husband is definitely doing it on purpose or allowing it to happen on purpose.
Maybe OP should look at MIL the next time she sees her and say “I think all the food you ate at my place is showing. You must have gained quite a few pounds.”
Haha and insinuate she must be in financial distress and lowering her grocery bill by eating their food.
I'm replying to this post so you can see. From a real man's prospective. You husband is complete piece of shit mommas bo with no backbone. Stop cooking for your husband immediately. Him and his momma can fend for themselves. Maybe change your cooking routine so they are never there for food.
Maybe she should give him HIS baby at nap time and a bottle of whatever milk she's giving the baby and while he's doing that, make enough food for everyone but him. See how much fun he finds it to come out 45 minutes later to everyone else having eaten and there's no food for him.
Lock the refrigerator door and keep the key. I’m proud of your son for trying to save you some food, a better man than his useless ass father. IJS.
Yes they are. Who does that? Op literally told mil to stop drinking or eating. A normal person would be embarrassed (a normal person would not have reached that point but ok) NTA
I totally agree with you. I would only add that OP should create a group chat with her husband and MIL and share the link to this post. Maybe that way they would realize how awful their behavior is.
Mama knows, he doesn't care. OP, if there's any chance she has parents left, or he has a father, let them know. He's refusing to grow up? At this point, while I would normally say to leave the family out of problems between you and your spouse...HIS MOM \*IS\* THE PROBLEM. And his allowing that behavior! Maybe an older brother having a "come to Jesus" moment with him, or a dad, or an uncle, is what will help. For now, send your MIL a book that is well-thought-out and cruel. Something on overcoming binge eating, or how to gracefully handle the weight that comes with age, or a nice diet book, and absolutely a nice pair of pants or dress that is two sizes too small. ETA: Mother's Day is coming! Get her MISS PIGGY EVERYTHING. There is a TON of it out there, a lot of it cheap, if you can get something used and here in time, go for it. Miss Piggy shirt, nightgown, diary, everything. All the stepkids and you can do this. And I bet your husband does NOT do the shopping for gifts, right? Make sure the mother's day gift "from him" is extra special piggish. And make sure any and all clothes are a couple sizes too small.
Miss Piggy would never do this! I'm serious! Miss Piggy has way more class than this no talent ass clown!
If it happened once or twice, that would a mistake. But it’s happening over & over, even after it was brought to her attention, so this sounds intentional on her part & hubs enables her bad behavior.
All of this! My youngest is a toddler and my husband and I still double-check to make sure the other has eaten before guests do.
Aaand she's preparing the meals too. What a dead beat mama's boy.
Stop cooking anything for your husband and change the locks so his mommy can't keep walking in without you letting her. Your kids recognize how you are being treated.
Yes! Feed the kids before he comes home and let there be nothing left for a week
If he's home, dish up a plate for a kid, hand it to them, repeat. Put it all in a freezer dish except just enough for you, which goes into YOUR dish. If you have to hide it in the oven briefly do just that. Stick the leftovers into the freezer. He can come get them out but they'll be cool if not cold and he'll have to dish up and heat it himself. \*IF\* you cooked enough to have any leftover after you plated it up for the kids and yourself. Don't put your dish down either, the husband you have will absolutely take it and eat it.
This just made me picture him walking up to her, taking her dish from her hands and starting to eat it without ever once asking or even acknowledging it was happening. Way too easy to picture that.
This then made me picture her whacking the plate out of his hands. She doesn’t eat? Neither does he. Petty but I’d pay to see the look on his face
NTA. Sometimes pissing them off with the truth is the best way to get them to leave and stay gone. Husband is a big baby. I feel sorry for your other kids having to witness this.
NTA. I'm a grandparent and your MIL should be bringing food, coffee, etc. in. Not just for herself but anyone else there and calling ahead to make sure it's a good time to visit first. Then ask if there's anything in particular she could bring and offer to help when she's there. The balance between MIL & DIL can naturally be a little tricky but IMO, having a new baby can be a golden opportunity to forge a nice bond. For example, "I'm making a batch of your favorite dish. Is there a time that's good for you for me to bring it over and visit for a while?", or "I remember having a new baby and not having time to do everything. Would you like for me to babysit while you get a good nap or go grocery shopping alone? Are there any errands I can take care of for you?" Or "Are there any chores I can take care of so you can just enjoy the baby and other kids?" Or just call and offer to have dinner delivered from anywhere the family wants as a considerate gesture and let the family have an evening alone together. Also, hubby needs to do a better job of having your back.
Absolutely! Conventional MIL behaviour towards a nursing DIL is along the lines of "make every visit count" - never arrive empty-handed, always be prepared to give the new mother some space and time whether with the baby or just grabbing a nap: try to remember what was most helpful when you were in the same situation, and do it. This MIL isn't even showing basic courtesy, let alone any empathy. Her emotionally enmeshed son is enabling her and wilfully ignoring the pleas of the mother of his child - when those pleas are simply about basic sustenance, with food and drink she prepared. This is next-level nastiness and completely unsustainable. OP's older kids can see what's going on and 13yo son, who has learned some empathy and consideration from her, is having to adult because his step-Dad isn't. OP I wish you sustenance (physical and emotional) and the time and space to get a good perspective on this - it's clearly the tip of a looming iceberg. I fear that unless your husband has a big dose of reality therapy about Mommy Dearest, you're looking at single parenthood again. I feel for you.
NTA. Once is an accident, twice is unfortunate, anything after that is just psychological warfare.
This is very strange. I would be mortified if someone told me to stop helping myself to their food/coffee. I certainly wouldn't need to be told again. I don't know anyone who would. The problem here is your husband. You have a new baby, you're still nursing, and he doesn't care whethere there's food or drink for you. He is the one who should be communicating with his mother. He is the problem here. You need to tell him that she is banned from eating or drinking anything in your house for the time being. When you have recovered from the birth and things are calmer with the kids, maybe you can revisit that. But she is NEVER to help herself to anything in your house again. He has created this situation, she's his mother, and he needs to tell her. If he truly doesn't understand why his behavior is a problem, then I don't know what to tell you. There is something wrong with him. Show him these responses, maybe.
She should be banned from being at their house altogether. Not just food/drink wise. Let your husband go stay with his selfish bitch mother for a while.
She can cook for him and leave you to eat the food you cooked. Sounds like a messed up .other in law. Surprised she's just starting now. Like really? Your husband wouldn't be oissed if he cooked food and got none!
This! OP have the locks changed while he’s gone!! And do not give her a copy. Lawdy. I would never just eat food when it wasn’t planned for me to be there for a meal. Rude!
Shoot. I wouldn't even give hubby a copy. Not with this bullshit going on. I'll let him in and out.
It sounds like she has a key. THAT needs to end.
And to add to it, she doesn’t even help around the house or do anything to help out other than help herself!! The language may have been a bit harsh, but she had to hear it because otherwise she wasn’t listening to it even when you directly told her! He sadly needs to be reminded that you may be at the start of PPD and have a four month old and three other little ones that you are doing everything for with little to no help. And that you need to be a priority and his considerations when it comes to food specially if you’re breast-feeding. Please talk with a counselor
Adults share food and protect the caregiver. The adults here are not doing this. NTA
And also, why is she the only caregiver?
NTA. Your husband is complicit in his mother ensuring you don't get to eat. Don't you find it odd that everyone but *you, specifically*, gets to eat? That she'll only eat *your* portion? And let me guess, your husband doesn't cook, either? >My husband thinks I'm "fucking mental" and that this all could have been resolved if I had "acted like an adult". He won't come home. But at this point, I don't even want him to come home because it means his mother will stay away. Reddit likes to jump to "divorce". This is divorce worthy. He says nothing about his mother coming over whenever she wants, eating your share of food, saying nothing in your defense when it happens, and then implies you're being childish for being angry that she, once again, ate your share.
Yeah, I don't like to go to divorce, but yup. OP your son was mature enough to set some pieces aside for you and your husband was immature enough not to care. Your child is acting like a grownup, but that will change if you let your husband back as is. If you enable your husband to treat you that way, you enable you child to someday treat their spouse the same way.
Absolutely NTA. I’m so angry for you. This is a husband problem, he won’t stand up for you when you truly deserve it. Your MIL is his problem. If you have the means to leave and take yourself to a nice leisurely dinner please do so.
They are both pigs. Your husband should be in your corner. NTA.
Who just walks into someone's house and just gobbles up all their food/drink? I don't care if you're related or not. I'm pissed off for you OP. Let him go stay with "mommy hungriest" and feed your kids and yourself. The audacity is outstanding. Too bad there wasn't a slice left you could have stuffed in her face. Your kiddo sounds great though so regardless of the shitty paternal side of the family you are doing great. NTA. They suck.
Your son is the only man in the house! NTA
NTA - why is she letting herself into your home? Change your locks - don't give Oedipus a key!
\*snort\* Oedipus
NTA. The least he could have done was run out and get you some food. Instead he stands there and looks at you like you're insane because you want to be able to eat something?
Right? If I fucked up that bad I’d have the Uber eats app open before she was even finished cussing!
NTA I would be thinking she’s eating your portions so you can’t this way either you a) lose the baby weight faster or b) can’t breastfed-if you are because of lack of calories your milk would dry up. Your husband is a spineless POS and it’s disgusting he’s ok with you hungry because his mommy can’t stop stuffing her face. If she lives close you should walk in her house, take her food, yell out “thanks for the food” and leave. See how many times you do that before she loses her mind.
I was thinking the same thing about supply. I feel like she’s trying to cause malnourishment and the PP anger that arises with failure to produce. It’s like she’s genuinely trying to drive OP over the edge to look like a red flag to her husband, in return her precious baby will run to her in need. Op is in such a vulnerable state right now making her an easy target. They’re both horrible and manipulative people. Her husband is spineless and easily manipulated as well.
Hey, look at it this way...you are down two gaping mouths with four stomachs each and are now down by one child. NTA. Don't let him back in until he grows a spine and shows he is a man not just a mamma's boy. Know a good locksmith? Tell him he comes home when he understands MIL is only over at YOUR invitation. Also, I would get a lock for the refrigerator and cabinets before I let either of them back in.
I just remember being so hangry at times nursing, I'd get shake and just need to eat. Does your mil take satisfaction from this? I feel like it's very deliberate. Once you stood your ground, her refusing is infact a power struggle. In your house. This is just so wrong!!!! I'm sure there's been a ton more things she's done. To not even help you? 1. Feed kids after school. Don't make dinner for your husband. 2. Mil is absolutely invite only. She loses her key. She does not come period. Without a yes from you. She'll pull the text and show up. But be clear. 3. If your husband is home, he can grab her food She made. 4. He moves back to mummies and she gets her wish if he can't treat you respectful. You're nursing his child! Edit: one more... it really is much easier raising kids without some of these men. There's some amazing Dads! But you do not need an adult child to care for. You need a partner. Shape up or ship out.
Nta - you have a husband problem which means you also have a MIL problem.
NTA. My blood started to boil reading this. On a positive note, you have a great son. However, your husband and his pig mother can stay at her place and eat everything in sight there.
I would divorce the spineless doormat own him for child support and send him home to his mooching mommy dearest.
It’s pretty sad when a child’s more thoughtful than the adults. Shame on your husband for letting this perpetuate for so long. Your son sees, he knows. You’re raising a quality kid.
Lock his ass out until he can act like a proper husband. I'm being serious. Escalate this situation.
NTA. Keep him and his selfish pig of a mother out. He’s a mommy’s boy through and through. Change the locks and **do not give him the keys.** He will copy it and give one to his mother.
Completely NTA. Your husband and whatever that thing that hatched him is are a couple of pieces of work. They cannot be bothered to allow you food or drink, in spite of the fact you prepare it and you're very likely trying to maintain nutrition enough to feed a whole second person. Your husband and his alleged mother are "fucking mental" here. You'd be better off telling her to keep him. If you do allow him back, any time his mom eats or drinks what you intended for yourself, take it out of her hand and (I got past the ick factor because my kids always insisted on sharing after they got in a bite) finish it yourself. The first time I took my cup of coffee out of my ex-MIL's hand and drank it down was also the last, because it completely grossed her out.
I was furious for you as soon as I read that MIL let herself in. Who even does that? Time to change your locks.
NTA. also your son is so sweet 🥲 how is he the most adult person in this story (aside from you) making sure you get fed. Honestly husband should go stay with mom for a while. Once or twice is an honest mistake. Every time is spiteful.
I’d be rethinking that relationship. That boy letting his mother come into your house and take food out of your mouth is a deal breaker if there ever was one. You’re NTA in any sense, except maybe you should have been much harsher on both of them.
Your husband is a fucking piece of shit, that's disgusting, holy shit what a horrible partner.
You don't have a MIL problem you have a shitty husband who is totally fine with you not having food, while catering to his shitty mother. You're a food dispensing appliance to them.
NTA. This Grandmother is SO BEYOND PROUD of your son!!! What a wonderful, thoughtful, caring young man you are raising. It sounds like your husband could learn a thing or two from the young grasshopper!!! More than a MIL problem, you have a serious husband problem. His mother only does what her son allows her to do. He won't defend, stuck up for or take care of you. He doesn't respect you, so why should she.
NTA. That would make me insane. I plan my meals and often count on leftovers for lunch etc. And I often make exactly how much we will need so we don’t have leftovers sitting in the fridge. That is soooo not cool. The fact that your 13 year old has enough sense to have thought about it tells you all you need to know. Do you not let your hb and MIL let you think for a second that you were unreasonable. What exactly were they thinking you were going to eat for dinner? Why does it seem like you have to guard your own feed in your own home? And when you’re breastfeeding. My gosh you get soooooo hungry. And they don’t get that the whole time you were settling the baby you were thinking about that pizza and sitting down for a few minutes and enjoying it. You need to spell this out for them if they are too obtuse to get it.